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To be honest, the 30+ jokes write themselves. You don’t have to try too hard to find something joke-worthy about 30+ people. I mean, they sleep at 8 p.m. and think the abbreviation “IMO” means “Imo State”.
Tempting as it is to constantly make 30+ jokes, I think it’s enough. And you might agree with my reasons too.
We’ll soon be 30+ too
By we, I mean the Gen Z. We can’t even claim to be young anymore. Think about it, we’ll be inductees into the 30+ group in four or so years. It hurts just to think about it.
The jokes are starting to give reality
We laugh about 30+ folks and their back pains all the time, but guess who has started feeling pains in their backs, too? You and I.
We don’t have money
We always complain about how going “outside” leads to the dreaded “savings or current?” question. But we’re bantering people who’ve hacked sleeping at home until it’s absolutely necessary — and saving money while at it. Make it make sense, please.
They seem to have their shit together
If anything, we should be begging them to give us tips to navigate this adulting thing. It’s tough out here.
It’s time to move to 40+ jokes
Gen Zs aren’t the only ones getting older. Today’s 30+ will be tomorrow’s 40+. Don’t let them think they’re off the hook.
Or even 60+
If you think about it, it’s their agemates in power that are making this country difficult for us.
We’re all tired
We say 30+ people are always tired, but that’s swiftly catching up with my Gen Z babes. We’re tired of everything: Nigeria, capitalism, paying bills and carrying the whole social media. At this point, throw everything away.
We’re celebrating the Nigerian culture of meat and grill with Burning Ram. Have you gotten a ticket yet?
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman. She talks about learning something new about her sex life with every partner, the “whoremone” that came with her pregnancy and how sex in her 30s is the best thing ever.
Tell me about your first sexual experience.
I was 16 years old when I had sex for the first time. My boyfriend and I had tried multiple times, but we’d stop because it was painful. That day, we decided to just go for it. It ended up being a pleasurable experience.
We dated for three years and had sex almost every day. Even when I relocated to Benin Republic for school, I’d go see him once a month. It’s not like Benin Republic is far, plus orgasms are very important. The trips were worth it.
It was very explorative. He was my first physically and emotionally, and he made me feel secure and safe. It was a different kind of special.
Too bad we had to end the relationship because we both wanted different things out of life. Plus, he was also cheating. I had to say bye to that.
Oops. What then did you say hello to?
I got into another relationship when I was 19, and this time, the sex was terrible. At least in the beginning.
We both tried to hide just how much we enjoyed sex from the other person. Where we’re from — because we come from the same place — sexual purity is very important. It’s ingrained into our heads from a young age that sex is not allowed till you’re married. So when we did start having sex, we pretended that we both were new to it.
Getting comfortable around each other was also difficult because we lived in different states and saw each other for a stretch of time once in three months.
How did you eventually overcome it?
The longer the relationship went on, we talked a lot more and as we spent more time together, we got more comfortable around each other. That’s when we started having the kind of sex we liked.
He was the one that introduced me to period sex. We’d have sex while on my period, and he’d even give me head. At first I was uncomfortable with the idea, but I warmed up to it. It was very sexy. During your period, all the sensations you feel are heightened, so it felt extra great.
But all good things must come to an end. Our relationship ended because although the sex was great, he wasn’t a particularly great boyfriend. At this point in my life, although I liked sex, it wasn’t enough to excuse bad behaviour.
I didn’t start having consistent, close-by sex again until a few months after I broken up with my then-boyfriend.
The new man and I worked in different zones of the same office. There was an event that required members from different zones to attend, and that’s how I met him. He was 31. Where I come from, this is a normal age range between couples, so I didn’t feel a kind of way about it.
We lived a street apart, so we had sex whenever we wanted, as many times as we wanted. I think I learnt the most about myself sexually during this time.
What did you learn?
That I enjoy exhibitionism and role play. We’d have sex outside, in cars, elevators, restrooms, pretty much anywhere we had a chance of getting caught. I could never predict where we were going to have sex, but one thing I knew was that as long as our eyes met? Sex was going to happen. Since we worked together and lived so close by, it was bound to happen a lot. It kept me on edge and ready.
As regards to role play? It was different. Setting the scene and acting out as anyone really let our minds roam free. I could be a naughty wife that needs punishment, or a sub that has annoyed her dom. I enjoyed it so thoroughly.
But?
He ghosted me after we had been together for almost two years. He asked me to spend Christmas in his place. After about two days, he travelled and didn’t tell me. His numbers were switched off and he wasn’t replying my messages. This went on for almost a week. By the time he came back, I had moved on. He told me he went to get a ring to propose, but that was his business. I couldn’t tolerate a man that felt comfortable ghosting me for days. My 22-year-old self was done with his ass.
After him, I started dating another man. We dated for about five months and for the first three months of the relationship, he never made any attempts to get physical with me. I was a bit worried and even asked him if his penis had issues. He said it didn’t, but he just didn’t believe in sex before marriage. Me on the other hand, I believed in it, so we had sex. It wasn’t particularly exciting, and we broke up shortly after.
Dating him made me realise that sex isn’t a priority for me in a relationship. He was a very sweet person and I had a lot of fun just being with him. As much as I enjoy it and liked having it, I’d never leave a good relationship built on the foundation of friendship because of sex. This one ended because his parents didn’t like me. I was distraught and sad, but not for long. In the midst of my sadness, I met someone else and we eventually got married when I was 23.
How was married woman sex like?
I won’t say I know exactly how all married women have sex, but my sex life became very mid. Not because of the marriage but because of who it was with.
While we were dating, we had sex a few times, but after the wedding, he came up with a bunch of rules. He said my kissing was too sloppy and he didn’t like it, that he wasn’t going to give and receive head either and that my moaning was “sluttish.”
Ah.
When he gave all these instructions, sex no longer became fun for me, but rather, something I partook in. I wasn’t able to express myself the way I wanted because sex with him had to be done a certain way.
The thing is that some men have a very specific conditioning when it comes to sex. They had this puritanical upbringing, and so sex with women they marry should be conducted in a certain way.
Even when I got pregnant, the sex was still just something I just participated in.
How was sex while pregnant?
I was 23 years old when I had my first child, and I call pregnancy the “whoremone” because I got a huge libido increase. My body was constantly ready to have sex.
If he was available, we’d have sex. If he wasn’t, I’d use my sex toys. If I didn’t feel like using my sex toys, I’d just rest and try to get along with my day.
No, my libido dropped. For the first six weeks, doctors advised for there to be no penetration because my body was trying to heal, and I followed that religiously.
Even after the six weeks were up, I still had to deal with body images. Pregnancy changes your body, and you have to learn to like the new body you have. Then with the stress of taking care of a newborn? Sex was the last thing on my mind. My sex drive eventually picked back up when the child was about four to six months old.
We had another child together, but the relationship ended after ten years. We got divorced the year I turned 32, and I decided to start enjoying sex once more. It’s been delicious.
Why’s 30+ sex so great?
One day, the sex drive just hits you. You go to bed like a normal person, then you wake up with a puddle in between your legs. You’re energised, and you feel your best and the orgasms you have are way more intense.
Since I’m older now, my body looks absolutely amazing and I feel good as well. I also have more money that I can use to take care of myself. Everywhere I turn, there’s someone that wants me. There’s constantly someone in my life catering to my sexual needs, and I’m having a whole lot of sex. It’s great.
I’ve had a bit of experience, so I know what I want and what I don’t. I’m very clear on those things when I meet a new partner, and it takes away the awkwardness that comes with having sex. I’m much more comfortable in my sexuality.
Interesting! How then will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d give my sex life an 8. The only reason it’s an 8 is because the person I’m currently seeing is just as busy as I am, so we don’t have sex as frequently as I’d like. If the frequency increases, it’ll probably be a 10.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Uju, 45, and Sirry, 40, have been dating for five months. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Twitter, navigating dating as older women with kids and being in an intercultural relationship.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Sirry: I found her Twitter account in May 2020. I went through her profile, read her book on racialised identities and I thought she was pretty smart.
Uju: We liked each other’s tweets quite often. The first time we talked was on Clubhouse in a room I set up to discuss income and social class differences in lesbian relationships. After that day, our mutual friend organised a Zoom meeting about racial inequities. The aim was to bring experts from different disciplines together. It was a rich conversation, but Sirry and I were the only ones with PhDs in the room. Every other person was a medical doctor and we kept joking about how we weren’t that kind of doctor.
Sirry: Towards the end of the Zoom meeting, Uju sent me a private message on Zoom asking if I wanted to continue the conversation in a private room. In that room, we laughed a lot. Uju is very funny. We talked about race, lesbianism, and academia. Uju has two kids and I have a daughter so we talked a little about parenting. The conversations were easy and I felt safe expressing myself with her. We agreed to meet again on Zoom. This time with wine.
Uju: I enjoyed that meeting as much as I did the first one so we set up another one to watch a movie together. After the movie date, I asked her out on a physical date towards the end of January.
What was that like?
Sirry: I was excited because I liked talking to her. She is intelligent and funny. During our calls, we talked and laughed a lot so I knew meeting in person would be cool. I got to the restaurant first and waited for her to show up. When she walked in, she looked around, adjusted her hair and looked at her phone, which I think she uses as a mirror sometimes. I thought to myself, “Is she trying to look good for me?”
Uju: I was, LOL. I was thrilled to see her so I took a lot of time to dress perfectly for the date. I wore this sweater that made me look respectable and hot. I aimed for plausible deniability — I could say I wasn’t trying to look hot; you just thought I was hot.
Sirry: It worked because I kept staring at her boobs the whole time. She looked so beautiful.
Uju: You too. She had long dreads, and they were gorgeous. Her smile was gorgeous as well. I just wanted to chat and chat with her.
At this point, did either of you have any concerns considering you were meeting for the first time?
Uju: Sirry is a little bit intimidating.
How so?
Uju: Sirry is a black 40+ tenured professor who is also African, liberal, irreligious and progressive with a great political stance. Plus, she is masculine-identified. She is such a rare find and I was excited about that but I needed to make sure we were compatible.
Sirry: She asked me a lot of questions that day. Questions about my principles about relationships. Questions about my past, my politics, etc. I could see she didn’t have time to fool around. Answering those questions gave me a better idea of how she thinks.
I knew that she was someone I would get along with just fine. It was such a fun date.
Uju: Yup and she brought me a present.
Awwn. What was the present?
Uju: It was a little cactus that I later killed because I am not good with plants. I thought it was really sweet though.
Nice! What happened after that first date?
Uju: We continued our Zoom dates but I was careful to not get too attached to her because I didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship. We both live in Pennsylvania but Pennsylvania is a long state so we are about four hours apart. I wanted a regular local relationship.
Sirry: She told me about the distance thing when I asked her out on an overnight date. She said she liked me, wanted me, but she didn’t want a long-distance relationship. My heart skipped. I was like, “Oh she’s thinking about me like that.”
Uju: I had just started a new job in Pittsburgh. I moved with my two kids to a house that I had so much fun furnishing. I planned to live in my house for ten years, nothing less. There’s no way I was going anywhere else in the short term. If we were going to keep hanging out, she had to know that.
Sirry: When she said that, I started thinking of how to remove the barrier.
She doesn’t know this because I didn’t want to freak her out, but in my head, I had already started thinking of how to move to Pittsburgh, where she lives. I knew that I could find a job in Pittsburgh or wherever I wanted. In that moment, I realised that I was falling in love with her.
Ah, after how many dates?
Uju: Do you get? This is news to me oh. If you had told me then I would have blocked your number sharp, sharp.
LMAO. Sirry, how did you end up fixing the situation?
Sirry: I decided to move to Pittsburgh anyway. Uju found out I was in the job market looking to settle in Pittsburgh when I had to do an interview in front of her on one of our overnight dates.
Uju: I told her that day that I was not responsible for any of the decisions that she was making. Sirry is a walking unicorn and any school would be lucky to have her. I just didn’t want to take responsibility if things didn’t work out.
Did you want her to move though?
Uju: Of course. I desperately wanted her to get that job so she could come to Pittsburgh but I also wanted her to make the best decision for herself, her career and her daughter. I didn’t want to think too much about it so we continued to date casually.
When did this casuality end?
Sirry: I think we started dating, but we didn’t say we were dating.
Uju: In August 2021, I travelled to Mexico for my birthday. I had a wonderful time there, but I called her every morning to let her know that I slept alone.
I didn’t want her to think I was fucking around in Mexico and I had forgotten about her. I knew I was falling in love with her but I was yet to admit it even though my friends were pointing it out. Also, all the other women I was talking to started to fall off. I gave excuses to cancel dates with other women and focused most of my time on Sirry.
Our calls grew frequent and so did texts. Then there was that visit…
What visit?
Sirry: Uju had a conference close to my house, and she showed up. It was a regular visit but that visit changed everything. She had met my eight-year-old daughter on Zoom calls but on that visit, they met physically. We cuddled and kissed around the house during that visit.It was quite intimate.
When I dropped her off at the airport, my daughter, who was in the car, asked if Uju was my girlfriend. I asked why she was asking and she said, “Because you called her ‘babe’ all weekend and I saw you two snuggling on the couch when you were watching a movie.” At that moment, I realised that Uju was my girlfriend, but we hadn’t had that conversation yet.
Did you?
Uju: Yes. A few weeks later, I went to the hospital for my annual check-up, which included checking for STIs. When I got the results, I texted her, “As it turns out, you’re the only person I’ve been having sex with and I just wanted to let you know that I had my STDs panel and that I’m all clear.”
Sirry: She said it as if she wasn’t deliberately cancelling dates with other women for me, as if it was a magical occurrence. LOL.
After that day, we went on a date and that’s when we became official. This was in November 2021.
Nice, I am curious about how you two told your kids that you were dating and how they took it.
Sirry: My kid figured it out after that day at the airport, and she had been telling me before then that she wanted me to find a nice black woman. When she confirmed that I was dating Uju, she started telling everybody about her mother’s girlfriend.
Uju: A lot of women move in and out of my life, and I am careful to not expose them to my kids until it is serious. I eased Sirry into their lives. They met over video calls but my kids knew Sirry as my friend. The first time she visited my house, she stayed at a hotel. After that visit, I told my kids that Sirry and I are girlfriends. They were happy for us. It’s important for me to expose my children to healthy loving relationships, so I don’t let just anyone in until I am sure about them.
I am also extra lucky with Sirry because we have similar parenting styles. Sirry does not beat her child and she feels very strongly about that like me, despite being from a background where parents beat us. If this relationship gets to a point where we become a partnership and join households, I know we will be fine.
Have you guys had any fights yet?
Sirry: Arguments, yes but fights no. We argue about things like whether eru, a Cameroonian dish, is really just Nigeria’s afang. One time I made her egusi soup without palm oil. We had a little back and forth about whether or not egusi should have palm oil or not. It was funny but I learnt something from that conversation. Apparently, my mum stopped using palm oil in hers because of one petty beef she had with her neighbour.
Personally, I think people romanticise fighting in relationships. I don’t believe that people have to fight to understand each other better.
Uju: Yeah, we’ve disagreed with each other but we both know how to talk to each other. We are very lucky that we found in each other people who can effectively communicate and express themselves. When we want something, we ask each other for that thing.
Sirry: She even gave me a book about emotions to help me teach my daughter how to communicate her emotions better. Maybe, as we spend more time together, fights will come, but right now we’re good.
Aww, what’s your favourite part of each other?
Sirry: Her mind. But I also love that she is gorgeous and that she challenges me. I’m a hundred per cent at home when I’m with her. I like how she mothers her children with softness and care. I also like how she talks about her friends. You can tell she really cares about them. This woman is everything, and I am head over heels in love with her.
Uju: I’m going to stop blushing and tell you about Sirry’s ass. You have not seen a booty like this. The shape is so perfect. You may not see it in the clothes she wears, but mehn, I’ve seen this thing, and it is the roundest, smoothest, most gorgeous ass I have ever seen. It is a phenomenal ass, no jokes.
Aside from that, what is uniquely loveable and absolutely irreplaceable about Sirry, is her beautiful mind. I love the way her mind thinks. I love the way she expresses her mind in all the different contours, either in emotional or intellectual ways. She takes time to understand how things work and explain them. She is also a woman who understands trauma and healing. This means that she takes good care of herself emotionally and those who are lucky enough to be loved by her get taken care of too. I love her so much because of that.
Sweet, what’s the best part of your relationship?
Sirry: It’s our conversations for me. Our conversations are never boring. It keeps me laughing. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night cackling because of something that she has said. Our conversations are both entertaining and nurturing. We could be talking about random stuff but there’s a richness of it that just adds to our knowledge.
Uju: Yes, and it’s the same for me too. Sirry stimulates my mind in many ways. She speaks my language — my cultural language, my food language, my body language, my sexual language, my love languages, everything. I have such a profound connection and compatibility with Sirry. It’s always exciting to talk to her because we agree on so many things.Then there is the sex. It’s so good I had to ask her if she came to bury juju in my house.
Sirry: LMAO. The sex we have makes me feel whole and I absolutely love it. One day, I was looking at her and she asked me, “Are you trying to fuck me right now?” And I said, “There’s never a time when I’m not trying to fuck you.”
You two need to get a room, but before you do, rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten.
Sirry: 12 and I’m not even exaggerating. People who know me know that I’m pretty straightforward on things I care about. Uju is a fantastic person and I feel really lucky and fulfilled to be with her. I am deeply satisfied with our relationship.
Uju: This is not a competition, but Sirry is definitely beyond the scale. I would never have imagined that being with her would feel this good. It’s all so new. Maybe after a year of us living in the same town, I would have something different to say. Until then, I am profoundly satisfied and content to be loved by Sirry.
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30+ back jokes are some of the most viral tweets on Twitter. Everyone knows that turning 30 changes your body but I wanted to know how it affected women specifically. I made a call for 30+ Nigerian women to share some of the ways their body changed when they turned 30. Here’s what five of them have to say.
Kissu, 35
I have not been able to shed weight as fast as I used to. I now deal with ovulation pain that was never there before, and it hurts like crazy. Also, I get these long stretches of time where I am super horny — I call it my heat period. I read that it’s my ‘biological clock’ screaming for babies.
Oby, 33
The first thing I noticed was that my metabolism slowed. I used to be able to eat a lot and not add any weight but now I can stay without eating for two days and I will still add weight. My knees started hurting. I could be squatting for three minutes and standing up would be a problem.
I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, so my periods always hurt. It was bad before 30, but it’s worse now. I used to be able to ease the pain with one or two tablets of Felvin but now I could take a pack in a day. I also have irritable bowel syndrome so I am always bloated. My favourite part about my 30s is that my curves became very pronounced. I also became more comfortable with my sexuality. I started saying that I used my 20s to do trial and error to figure out what my body needs. Now, 30+ sex means if it’s not giving me orgasms, then I’m not doing it.
Abigail, 34
I birthed my first child when I was 30. I went from a size 6 to size 14. I developed hypo-pigmentation — loss of melanin on some parts of my skin and a pain in my back that never leaves. I also lost my hair and had to cut off my beautiful long locs. When I go out to have drinks and have fun, it takes two full days to recover.
Jolie, 34
When I turned 30, I found out I had hypothyroidism — a condition where the thyroid gland doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones. This means I can’t eat certain foods. I became lactose intolerant. Constipation became a regular thing. I stopped ovulating and have to be on medications forever. I had to start a diet plan and eat out less except I want to reward myself on some days.
Atinuke, 34
When I was younger, I lost weight faster. I could eat one meal a day for six months and I would lose weight. Now if I like I don’t eat for six months, nothing is going anywhere. I also noticed I get tired easily. I have a sedentary lifestyle because of my work yet at the end of a day, I feel as if I’ve been on my feet all day. When I work for a few hours, I need to take a break unlike before where I could go long stretches of time working.
Being 30+ is not just about the age on your birth certificate, it is a way of life. This quiz will let you know exactly how 30+ you really are (with about 93% accuracy).
