Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 2022 | Zikoko!
If we learnt one thing from last year, it’s that nobody knows how to throw a dinner party like Baileys Delight, and we have receipts to prove it.
This one was a dinner party was designed for maximum delight
The dinner party was themed “12 Delight Treats” but they forgot to mention that the “enjoyment” in the theme was silent.
You had to treat your way to getting an invite
Believe it or not, to stand a chance, all followers needed to do was to let us in on their plans to indulge with Baileys Delight treats over the holidays.
Things escalated when they announced the celebrity guest
In the end, those who won the prize for overall best in foodie eventually got invited to the party for even more Baileys Delight treats.
And the view was mad
The venue was excellent—a rooftop dinner party at the Ebonylife Place in Victoria Island with a beautiful skyline view. But the skyline wasn’t the only great view at the event. Just look at the people too. All smiling and happy in the name of Baileys Delight.
Guests got photo ops with Sharon Ooja, just so they can tension everyone else after the party.
You just know the party is lit when Sharon Ooja shows up for it.
Despite all the shege 2022 showed us, pop culture kept us entertained as we tried to survive in Nigeria. Here are some of the best moments that defined this chaotic year.
Try Tems at your own risk
Source: Premium Times Nigeria
Singing with Beyoncé and Grace Jones, writing music for Rihanna, covering Bob Marley for the Black Panther: Wakanda Forever trailer and BET and Soul Train wins (Grammy nominations too)? It’s officially Tems’ world. The rest of us are just paying rent and agent fees at this point.
Tems didn’t come to play in 2022, and we couldn’t help but stan.
The shade, clapbacks and flying wigs on Real Housewives of Lagos
Considering how dramatic and shady we are as Nigerians, I can’t believe it took us this long to get our version of the Real Housewives. Serving premium chaos, Toyin Lawani, Chioma Ikokwu, Mariam Timmer, Laura Ikeji, Carolyna (sometimes, Carol and other times Caroline) Hutchings and Iyabo Ojo kept us gagged and entertained week after week.
No one captured the hearts (and controlled the legwork) of Nigerians like Ololade mi Asake. Starting with Omo Ope in February, Asake ruled the music scene in 2022 with back-to-back hits (we had to beg him to stop at some point) and an album that’s been compared to Beyoncé’s Renaissance. Capturing the current voice of the streets and blending it with the fuji sounds we grew up listening to, Asake has created a new musical lane all by himself.
Tobi Amusan, if you’re reading this, I just have one question:
In July, Tobi won the 2022 World Athletics Championships 100-metre hurdles, breaking a record that makes her the current world, Commonwealth and African champion in the 100-metre hurdles category. Talk about badass.
Eloghosa Osunde turned us all into Vagabonds!
After years of making us wait, Eloghosa Osunde finally dropped her debut novel, Vagabonds! and drove the internet into a frenzy. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was talking about this book. First of all, the book is excellent, and Eloghosa deserves all her flowers, but it also felt really good to see a book get the same energy a new Wizkid or Davido album would get.
Nollywood gave us Brotherhood — a Fast and Furious film with an actual plot
Sorry to Vin Diesel and his crew, but has he met Wale and the Ojuju Boys from Brotherhood? It’s one thing to pull a heist in the abroad, but try pulling one off while driving through Yaba, Lagos. The team behind Brotherhood succeeded in the impossible by making an action film that kept us entertained from start to finish instead of the usual Nollywood romcom. With over ₦300m at the box office, it’s clear therisk paid off, and now, we want more.
The Black Panther: Wakanda Forever premiere in Lagos
So Lupita Nyong’o and Winston Duke showed up in Nigeria and didn’t suffocate me with their thighs? It is well.
Meghan Markle has always given me Igbo babe vibes, like a Chiamaka or Obumneke, and I was on to something. 2022 was the year the Duchess of Sussex revealed she’s 43% Nigerian. Please, someone needs to check on Abike Dabiri because I haven’t seen an official tweet claiming Meghan. Abike, rise. Don’t waste Buhari’s money.
Last Last and Burna Boy at Madison Square Garden
Source: Billboard Magazine
2022 was clearly Burna Boy’s year. Our problematic African Giant turned his heartbreak into a hit song with Last Last, made history as the first Nigerian artiste to headline a show at Madison Square Garden and dropped the now Grammy-nominated Love, Damini. Not too shabby for the boy from Port Harcourt.
Ayra Starr’s mini skirts had haters mad and the rest of us gagged
Source: Ayra Starr, Instagram
Ayra Starr wasn’t playing when she said she was a Fashion Killa.
That video of Portable singing “God, abeg oh!”
Everyone, please, say thank you to Portable for asking the right questions. Because after all the shege 2022 showed us, we need to ask, “God, abeg o. Who go epp o?”
BNXN and Ruger’s epic promotional fights
2023 may be the year BNXN and Ruger finally admit their constant fighting is a PR stunt for their careers. But until then, I can’t deny they both entertained us this year, and omo, that gist about streaming farms? I’m still shook.
EbonyLife’s Blood Sisters nearly gave us high BP
If someone told me EbonyLife would drop one of the best Nollywood projects of the year after the mess that was Chief Daddy 2, I would’ve hissed and called them a detty liar. But somehow, Mo Abudu and her team pulled it off with Blood Sisters.
The thriller — which had Nancy Isime and Ini Dima-Okojie as two friends on the run from the police and a very silent Ramsey Nouah — was a major hit for Nollywood. But outside of the acting, writing and directing, one thing that really struck me was the fashion. All the looks were giving what they needed to give.
Oxlade’s Ku Lo Sa takeover
Can anyone remember what life was like before Oxlade stepped in front of that green backdrop and started slapping imaginary bum bum because he was singing Ku Lo Sa? Because I can’t. The song, originally made for ColorsxStudios, quickly became 2022’s version of CKay’s Love Nwantiti, inspiring hilarious TikTok challenges worldwide and featuring on Rihanna’s 2022 Savage X Fenty Show.
Was your 2022 “giving”, or was the entire year a classic case of “the math ain’t mathing”? Gen Z slangs describe it best, and this quiz will let you know which one sums up your year.
2022 has been something between a horror movie and a comedy. We haven’t seen anything like it before. But just in case you’ve forgotten, here are some of the unreal things that happened this year.
ASUU went on strike, again
Everybody, including the government and their minions, thought they were kidding since they just ended a strike in December 2020. But ASUU said, “Hold my beer”.
Narrator: And so they kept holding for ten solid months.
The government banned ponmo
We know it has next to no nutrients, but did they really have to do this? Ponmo has been there for us in this economy. It hasn’t commited any offense.
Ooni of Ife took many wives
The Ooni read the biblical story of King Solomon for the first time and said, “Is this your king?” He then married six wives in two months. We stan a true family man.
They applied Snapchat filters to our beloved naira notes
When this year started, did you ever think you’d see Ahmadu Bello’s face behind a vignette filter? Well, there’s nothing the CBN cannot do.
Somebody’s daddy went naked to pray for City Boy
Upon all the shege we were shown this year, we didn’t think we’ll close out seeing someone’s daddy strip naked to pray for Tinubu, the city boy, traumatising us and the marine spirits in the process.
The dollar hit ₦800
Even after our friendly interview with the dollar, it went on a rampage and showed us it’s actually too sexy for Nigerians to afford. The betrayal!
Asake charged us ₦70k for a concert
We definitely want to meet Asake’s dealer in 2023 because this thing is getting out of hand. Ololade Mr Money decided to take his name too seriously, and yes, we’ll still pay, but that’s not the point. The audacity is loud.
We’re already in November and your enemies are mocking you because you’ve not found a romantic partner yet. However, it’s never too late to find love. Let’s help you to help yourself.
Someone’s marital home
The love of your life can be another person’s partner. Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding them.
INEC office
Whenever you go to collect your voter’s card, keep your eyes open because the love of your life could be there. At least, if you find love in INEC office, you know the person is a responsible citizen who cares about Nigeria.
The nation’s capital
If Abuja can boast of having a travel influencer President, then why not the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with? Exactly.
Traffic
You already spend all your time in it. Might as well find love there. You can distribute flyers or carry a megaphone around to announce your singlehood. Any one works.
No one knows exactly what they sell in all these big markets. So who says you can’t buy someone who’ll love you forever?
Linkedin
Not every time startup announcement. Sometimes, announce that you’re searching for someone to wear matching pyjamas with.
Z! Fest 2022
Hundreds of young, beautiful Nigerians all in one place? If you don’t find love, love will find you. Since it’s November 26th, you have one month to do talking stage —more than enough time to start dating by Christmas.
This year has particularly been a blast for the Nigerian music industry. And with so many hit singles and albums released by all our faves, we want to see how many of these lyrics can currently match to the song.
“In 2022, I want to…” Ugh. Tired of all the generic new year’s resolutions that never last beyond five business working days?
Maybe these nine not-so-common resolutions should be on your list instead.
1. Tweet more memes
Imagine if memes suddenly go extinct, and people forgot how to find the “funny” in even the most serious of things? Tragic. Keep memes alive, plis and tenks.
2. Save more urgent 2ks
It’ll shock you to learn that “insufficient funds” is no respecter of persons. May the rainy day not find you without an umbrella.
3. Not making any new year’s resolutions…
…And avoid people who ask you about your new year’s resolutions.Why? Well, January is tomorrow, don’t worry you cannot change.
4. Survive “Malaria” and it’s siblings
Every disease manifesting as malaria; Omicron and other COVID variants or whatever they call themselves better stay away from you and yours.
5. Delete all your dating apps
It’s not like we’re shading you oh, but since you’ve had those apps, did you find the love of your life? Delete, delete, delete.
6. Own things with your chest
You want to wear your clothes inside out? Own that shit with your full chest. Nobody will beat you. Periodddd.
7. Have one of your tweets go viral
You’ll know you’ve made it in 2022 if at least one of your tweets goes VIRAL, overnight. Make it happen.
8. Be someone’s new year’s resolution
Ehen nau. First off, you are not a potato. So surely, someone somewhere must have you on their wishlist for 2022.
9. Find a bag of money by the roadside
Whether Baco bag or Ghana-must-go, bag is bag. The goal is to find money you didn’t work for. It might seem impossible just like other new year’s resolutions, but the Lord is your strength.
Don’t forget to share this with someone who hates new year’s resolutions.
Let’s start with the background gist: On Twitter, someone asked people to tell everyone their 2021 wins. There was the usual replies of getting a job and falling in love, etc etc. But then someone tweeted that they increased their salary 23x times.
This was all of us when we saw that tweet:
YOUR SALARY INCREASED 23 TIMES?? Are you sure it’s not 2 or 3 times you meant to type, sir? But we got over our shock and decided to improve ourselves too. And after an intense session of thinking about our lives and careers in this life of sin, we have finally come up with ways to increase our salary 23 times, and more than that.
Come along with us on this journey to financial liberation.
1. First of all, know that it is impossible.
If you’re with a Nigerian employer, increasing your salary times 23x can never ever happen. It’s not like we are cursing you oh, but shebi you know how things happen in these streets.
2. Quit your job.
If you don’t quit the job that is paying you small money, how do you hope to get a better one? Before you secure the bag, you must learn to let one bag go so you can make room for another.
3. And if you don’t want to quit your job, use your boss for money rituals.
If they won’t pay you what you want want, you better be ready to use them to get it. Remember the saying, “Use what you have to get what you want.” In this case, your boss is what you have and that’s who you will use to get it.
4. Start typing HTML everyday.
One day, that HTML will turn to money. It’s the coding bitcoin law of financial eth and javascript ifenile kponkwem. 🙏🏾
5. Buy attraction oil and divine favour soap.
After you collect your competitive salary, use the money to invest in attraction oil and divine favour soap. It is this purchase of yours that will attract the 23X salary to you. If you don’t believe us, ask those who have been using the oil. Do you think they work 9-5? Please. They are attracting tingsss.
6. Seduce Dangote.
This is one way to seal your salary. Once you buy the attraction oil and divine favour soap, just secure a meeting with Dangote at a Benz dealership and seduce him. 50X salary loading.
7. Open an OnlyFans account.
Start free, and when you have amassed a large following, you will increase prices. If they like your nakedness, they will stay. What this means is that you have to put in the work oh. This is not ideal if you don’t like hardwork.
8. Start doing whocup.
If you don’t want the internet to see your nakedness, you can just do a door-to-delivery. That one even pays more, especially if you deliver it hot and spicy, with a dash of street flavour.
9. If these things don’t work, start selling akara.
10. And if akara selling doesn’t fit your destiny, invest in these 9 things.
We have carefully curated the investment options for you, and they are sure to bring you profit. Imagine investing in Titus sardine. Tituscurrency! Buy the dip and hodl. We must 100x our salary in this 2020.
2022 is here, and the days are already counting. Here are a couple of things to normalise if we don’t want to seem crazy.
1. Not scrolling when someone shows you a picture on their phone
Why are you now looking for something you did not keep, ehn? It should be simple: view and give the phone back. If they wanted you to go through their gallery, they would have said so.
2. Snatching people’s partners
Snatch anyone entering your eye today. If it’s a woman, you can make her see reasons why she shouldn’t be with a “boyfriend’ when you could be her husband.
3. Getting pets to do some work around the house
Why should they live in your house without contributing anything? Hand your dog a brush and tell it to get scrubbing.
4. Eating bread with icing
With the rising inflation, buying your favourite spread will create a hole in your pocket. So, watch out for those celebrating birthdays and store as much icing as possible. Don’t say Zikoko told you, though.
5. Not airing job applicants
Was their application received and/or rejected? Kindly indicate. The anxiety and self-doubt from a hiring manager’s silence can make people swear for them.
6. Shopping with crypto tokens
Why use cash when you can pay online with crypto? Wondering how that works? Simply buy Floki, a meme coin currently making waves in the crypto market.
Thanks to a partnership with CryptoCart, you can comfortably use the Floki token to purchase items at over 1,700 stores worldwide, including Amazon, eBay, Uber, Apple, and PlayStation via the CryptoCart platform. You probably don’t like to leave your house anyway, so it’s perfect!
