One thing we don’t like about relationships is that you and your significant other will fight. Fighting brings out all of the annoying behaviours, such as ignoring each other, being passive-aggressive — and if you’re really petty — throwing shade. And If you’re as petty as I am and always want to win fights, this is where I can help you. Follow me.
Which partner?
If you’re single and you opened this article, I don’t know what you’re doing here. How can you fight with someone you don’t have? Shift one side.
Create a burner account and start dragging them online
Do this: While you’re dragging your partner by their edges with your burner account, you’re out there defending them with your real account. Your partner will see you as their ride-or-die and will forget whatever the fight was about. Plus, you can hold this act of kindness over their head for later.
Cry
Two things can happen here: they’ll feel sorry for you and apologise, then the fight ends, or it’ll get awkward, they’ll feel weird about you crying and just apologise.
ALSO READ: 5 Obvious Signs You Should Totally Back Out of a Fight
Buy them food
No matter how upset somebody is, food always makes them feel better. That’s why people eat when they’re upset. Buy your partner their favourite food and you’ve won.
Send them money
I believe there’s no problem in this life that money can’t solve. And that includes the problem of winning a fight. Send your partner money with the narration: “Are we still fighting?” That fight you were having will cease to exist in the universe.
Remove your clothes in front of them
They’ll be turned on so fast that they won’t even remember what you were fighting about. You can always count on horniness to come through for you.
Whyne them
Call them all sorts of sweet names. Hype your partner up like your life depends on it. Before you know it, they’ll start blushing foolishly and saying, “Stop jo,” or, “Abeg get out.”
Surprise baecation
You give your bae a chance to leave this country to go somewhere and relax, and you expect them to continue fighting with you? You’ve won future fights sef.
Call their parents
If there’s anybody that can set your partner straight, it’s their parents. And you already know parents don’t want anything that will upset their future in-law. So they’ll gladly call their child and tell them to behave.
Always bring up your ex
They’ll be so shocked at the audacity that they’ll let the fight go. Because clearly, you’re not normal.
Send them nudes while at work
Create sexual tension by sending them sexy naked pictures while they’re busy working. That’s what they’ll think about all day instead of the fight. Then they’ll rush home to you to fornicate, and gbam, the fight don end.
Act like you don’t know you’re fighting
I promise you, they’ll be confused. Your partner will begin to question whether you two are actually fighting. At some point, they’ll give in.
ALSO READ: Love Life: We Didn’t Think We’d Fight Because We Were Friends First