I’ve wanted nothing to do with Tyler Perry since Acrimony, but after I saw Kelly Rowland rocking fire wigs and fits in the trailer for his latest work, Mea Culpa, I was sold for that reason alone.
“A criminal defence attorney takes on the case of a seductive artist accused of murdering his girlfriend, but when burning desire takes hold, things get hot and dangerous.”
— The movie’s synopsis on Netflix.
And my first question is, people didn’t know it would be bad after reading that synopsis?
Let’s get into it.
The movie opens in classic Tyler Perry fashion: A therapist talking to a couple who have no real intention of solving their problems.
Mea (Kelly Rowland) is zoned out AF from the conversation until the therapist and her husband, Kal (Sean Sagar), bring her back. We quickly learn that Kal is a mummy’s boy who also has problems setting boundaries with his childhood friend/female bestie, Jenna.
Kal gets a call then announces they have to leave for his mum’s birthday dinner. Mea shuts that down and stays back for the rest of the session. After Kal leaves, she reveals her husband is jobless AF, doesn’t want his family to know and has attachment issues with his mum because she has cancer. Chale, I was already stressed!
The movie then cuts to Mea’s arrival at Kal’s mum’s birthday dinner. She meets a colleague, Mannie, who says he’d love her to meet a popular visual artist, Zyair Malloy, who’s facing murder charges and needs a badass defence attorney. She’s hesitant but agrees to a meet-up.
Finally, we meet Mummy Kal (Kerry O’Malley) AKA Azalia and she… looks nothing like anyone who has her days on earth numbered. And if you’re wondering why she’s white with black kids, you should know the movie does nothing to answer this question.
Oh, Mummy Kal is nasty as hell because why TF did she invite Jenna to the party and have the audacity to sit her right next to Kal?
Mea spends the night playing catch-up with her friend and sister-in-law, Charlise, at the far end of the table. We barely see food on the table, but there’s enough passive aggression and performative action from the family members to fill them up.
Next, we see jobless Kal give his mum an expensive wristwatch and go: “It’s from Mea and I”.
The dinner-from-hell finally wraps, and the family members trickle out of the restaurant. Charlise wants to know why there’s paparazzi and finds out they’re here for Zyair, the artist accused of murdering his Mexican boo.
He’s also selling off Zyair’s artwork in his house.
The ride home is intense. Kal reveals he had to sell the piano to afford mummy’s lil birthday watch. At this point, we can tell Mea is over his bullshit.
After the chaotic events of the previous night, we see Mea at her workplace, where she’s one of the baddest legal bitches running things. Zyair has come to get her to take his case, but she quickly tells him she probably wouldn’t since her brother-in-law is prosecuting.
Zyair makes a case for his innocence, and Mea says she’ll consider it.
We don’t know if it’s the same day or the next, but we see Mea and Charlise taking a walk after a dance class. On the other side of the road, a group of angry white women protest the continued display of Zyair’s artwork at a gallery.
Mea uses the opportunity to tell her sister-in-law she’s taking up his case, and our good sis is completely against it.
Next, we see Mea in defense-attorney mode.
Like her sister-in-law, Kal wants her to drop the case. And the following ensues:
The movie takes us to Zyair’s studio apartment, where Mea confronts him with evidence suggesting he’s guilty AF, and she’ll only represent him as long as he tells her the truth. Classic “defence attorney of a murder suspect” move.
The entire scene plays out rather annoyingly thanks to Zyair’s raging hormones that stain every interaction with Mea unprovoked.
After a long and tiring AF day, Mea gets home to a cancer-ridden Mama Kal, who after chemotherapy, came to rescue her jobless son from “endless takeouts”. We also see the brother-in-law. So, it’s a complete gang-up cosplaying as a family dinner.
Of course, Mea was on the menu, and they ate her so bad with their demand:
It’s at this dinner that Mea finds out her brother-in-law is running for mayor and hopes to score votes by sending Zyair’s ass to jail.
Mea calls on her private investigator, Jimmy — who has feelings for her but tails her husband and reports on his activities — for her new case.
Mea and her brother-in-law battle it out in front of a judge who succumbs to the idea of close relatives on both sides of the case.
In the next scene, we see why Mea believes so much in Jimmy’s ministry. Mans dug beneath the crux of Mother Earth herself to find statements from Zyair’s exes detailing their rather gruesome sexual experiences with him.
See for yourself:
And in Zyair’s defence?
Mea to Jimmy:
The night wraps with Mea sending Jimmy off to Mexico to find out more about Zyair’s murdered lover.
After Jimmy leaves, Mea joins Zyair on the rooftop and he tries to plead his case… yet again:
Jimmy calls Mea from Mexico and says there’s hardly any information or investigation around Zyair’s murdered lover. He promises to keep digging.
After what seemed like ages, we see Kal again. And for the first time in the movie, we’re teased with a potential genital slam-a-thon that ends before it has a chance to get either party wet.
Later that day, Mea meets with her client for more questioning about the case. Before long, we see an attorney vs client Q&A session crumble into what you see below:
Mea eventually comes to her senses, asks to leave and agrees when Zyair offers to drop her home. And just when I thought we’d be treated to the over-flogged but hot AF “damsel on okada” scene, Mea sees Zyair’s power bike and:
On the train ride home, Mea’s head is flooded with images of the near-mekwe encounter with Zyair. She gets home and tries to replace the ungodly images, but Kal is disappointment personified.
The next morning, Kal shows up at Mea’s office with flowers, but she’s less than impressed. She tells him she’s got stuff to do, and right in the middle of the exchange, Zyair walks in.
He does the most passive-aggressive takeover ever, placing his hand on Mea’s waist, not minding her husband’s presence.
Kal’s response:
Kal is pressed AF but even his meanest looks don’t stop Zyair from telling his attorney they need to head back to his house where he’ll feel more comfortable to open up.
Mea protests the idea, but Zyair is out of her office quicker than she can convince him to stay the fuck back.
She does his bidding and shows up, but Zyair is far from impressed. He calls Mea out on her bullshit, claiming she’s attracted AF to him but denies it.
He says he can’t trust her any longer and doesn’t want her as his lawyer. Mea remains unfazed and tells him off.
Zyair walks Mea out of his house and ends up in an underground orgy-styled nightclub with enough ashawo lighting to blind any human being.
Mea returns home to find Kal too engrossed in a virtual shoot-out with his bestie, Jenna, to notice her presence in the room. Mea is riled up AF and retires to her home office. She gets a call from Maddie, who told her about Zyair in the first place. Maddie apologises on behalf of Zyair and begs Mea to stay on his case.
Next, we see Mea at Zyair’s, and he’s quick to apologise for his behaviour. She makes it clear that, even though her marriage has issues, she’s not some cheap slut to be seduced by an artist about to lose his career.
Tell me why this sneaky ass nigga still tries to get in Mea’s pants right after? She still turns him down.
Enters a random naked white chick.
Who proceeds to swallow the shit out of Zyair’s cock in Mea’s presence.
Mea tries to leave but not before Zyair did some shit to stall the elevator and make her witness his near-cum state.
Mea keeps the horny in check and storms out. In her car, our good ol’ investigator, Jimmy, calls to inform her that he saw her husband go into a hotel room with Jenna. Mea loses her shit, returns to Zyair and sets the motion for what’ll go down as one of the nastiest genital rogbodiyan to air on television.
She walks in on Zyair and the white babe and takes over, chewing his lips with the anger of her recent discovery.
Before things get too far, she somehow regains her senses and wants Zyair to take her home. Mea jumps on the motorbike she refused earlier, and there’s a cute “Riding with my man” moment:
They drive through the city and return right back to Zyair’s house for the messiest paint sex that could only be a desperately sex-starved person’s unlived fantasy.
Mea gets to work the next morning, and her husband and sister-in-law almost pounces on her for going MIA. She also learns that while she was getting her kpekus pounded, Kal and his other family members were at the hotel with Mama Kal, who’d asked to be moved somewhere closer to the hospital.
Mea regrets her genital rogbodiyan from the night before and realises her private investigator gave her the wrong info. She’s guilt-ridden and struggles to look Kal in the eyes.
Mea goes to Zyair’s house and tells him she wants out as his defence attorney.
She also meets Jimmy and tells him he got his info all wrong.
The scene that comes up next shows a bunch of angry white women protesting in front on the gallery. Mea comes to the gallery to meet one of Zyair’s exes, Renee Hester Welson.
Enters the ex:
Without wasting time, Renee imposes herself as the bad bitch and gives a rundown of how Zyair has played Mea.
Turns out the little paint sex stunt he pulled is an old trick he’s recycled with exes. Renee also tells Mea that the painting of herself on his ceiling has layers of all the women he’s been with underneath.
In the next sequence, Mea lets herself into Zyair’s house and marches straight to the room where he dickmatised her.
She peels off the painting of herself on the ceiling and sees the layers of other women’s paintings.
She doesn’t stop until she gets to a painting of the ex he was accused of murdering.
Zyair tries to explain, but Mea isn’t having any of his bullshit stories. She makes to leave but he refuses to start the elevator, throwing in a subtle threat that he would tell the world about their rendezvous.
Mea tells him she also plans to tell the truth about what went down between them. Seeing he’s been beat, Zyair retreats and watches Mea leave.
She gets in the elevator and screams the loudest fucking “Start the elevator” that makes it clear she’s not playing.
As if the day hasn’t been long enough, Mea and Kal arrive at his brother’s house, where other family members have gathered to spill tea. What ensues next is a messy AF tell-all where Kal’s family find out he’s been jobless for a while, and Mea tells Kal that Zyair stuck his joystick in her honeypot.
Mama Kal after Mea’s confession:
Mea only gets support from Charlise. Feeling defeated, she leaves.
After this rather chaotic night, we see Mea at a bar in Santa Domingo trying to put the past behind her. Her “Me time” is cut short when a TV announcer says Zyair, who’s been chilling in prison, has agreed to take a plea deal. Right after, she gets a call from Jimmy, who’d been worried sick about her.
Still on the island, we see Mea running. She bumps into a waiter who looks familiar AF.
She realises the girl is Zyair’s allegedly murdered ex. Enters: Hot chase.
Unsuccessful in her chase and attempt to get the police involved, Mea calls Ray to tell him what she just saw with her two korokoro eyes. Ray promises to get his investigator to accost Hydie.
Later, Mea returns from Santa Domingo and heads straight to Ray’s house, where the entire family has gathered… yet again. Mama Kal is everything but welcoming, but Ray calms her down. Mea learns Kal is on his way over, and Ray’s investigator is on his way to Santa Domingo.
Jimmy calls Mea and tells her to check her email. We don’t know what’s in the email, but it sends Mea into shock. In the kitchen, where she stands flabbergasted, she spots a door leading to a room with a red light and approaches it. Inside, Mea sees a painting she so eagerly peels off, and sees her sister-in-law’s face. Just as she exits, Mama Kal bumps into her and deliberately crushes her phone.
Everything goes downhill from here.
In the kitchen, Ray, Mama Kal and Mea’s bestie move weird. Ray tries to get Mea to down a glass of obviously poisoned wine. Mea doesn’t. She’s also wondering why Kal is yet to show up, but her bestie tells her to join in making dinner. When Mea grabs a knife to cut vegetables, Mama Kal yanks it off.
When Ray returns, Mea asks for an update and learns his investigator has found Hydie. She says they should contact a judge but he says it’s better to wait till the next day. Mea then tells Ray to check his mail. The earlier message from Jimmy was confirmation that Mama Kal isn’t a cancer patient.
In quick succession, we find out the only reason we’ve sat through yeasty paint sex scenes and this entire fuckery is because the family cooked shit up to help Ray win an election.
Make it make sense.
It’s at this moment we also learn Charlise cheated on Ray with Zyair, and he’s known the entire time, which is why he had a copy of her painting in his little red room.
Mea tells Charlise they need to get TF OUT. But what ensues is a stressfully choreographed kitchen fight that ends with Charlise getting stabbed to her untimely death, and Mea running for dear life down the streets of Amrica.
Kal FINALLY shows up, and Mea is more than relieved. She gives him a rundown of the horror she just witnessed and gets into his car.
Kal makes a phone call to the police, but unknown to Mea, he’s actually on a call with his brother.
Mea notices they’re driving back to the hellhole she just escaped from and is confused AF. She turns on the Bluetooth speaker and realises Kal is on the phone with his brother and is driving her back to her death. She tries to rile him up by hailing Zyair as the senior odogwu with more money, but this mini outburst ends quickly with a thunderous slap on her face.
Mea stays in the passenger seat, stewing in her defeat, when she sees a trailer approaching and has a lightbulb moment.
This happens next:
Ray gets arrested by the police and Zyair finally regains his freedom.
Just as the film prepares to wrap, Mea resurfaces since she tried to unalive herself, and watches in a corner as Zyair walks away a free man.
When she turns to go about her business, she gets a genital meet and slam invite cosplaying as a “thank you message” from Zyair, but she does the “I’m so over your BS” thing ever and thrashes the phone.
The END.
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