If you’re planning a surprise proposal — like everyone else in the world, apparently — we wrote this for you. 

Oh, so you’ve decided to propose

In this economy? Where are you people seeing this money? Were we not singing “Adulthood na scam” together a few days ago? Now, everywhere you turn, it’s pictures of Ikoyi registry. 

And it’s even a cheesy surprise proposal

I thought we were all laughing at Instagram surprise proposals together.

All your hard guy in the mud, it seems

Next thing now, you’ll say you want to be loyal. What kind of rubbish is this? 

This is your last chance to know that na mumu dey love

Come back to the streets. We miss you.

If you still want to proceed, consider hiding the ring in their food 

Trust me, I’m a pro. I have an entire article about places you should hide your proposal ring. Spice things up, come on. 

And don’t tell any of these people

If you decide to tell these people and your plan fails, that’s on you. 

Your partner’s younger sibling 

As a general rule, never trust your younger sibling with any information — proposals, hiding a body, telling them where daddy kept his will.

Your friend who’s a drunk

One can of Bullet, and this one will spill all the tea. Your partner will be waiting for you at the proposal venue with their own camera crew. 

Your partner’s mother

No mother wants their child to be unprepared for such a big day. They’ll sit them down and tell them everything that’ll happen in intricate detail. 

Don’t bother telling their beautician 

Nobody:

The beautician, while painting their nails: Are you sure this colour will match the ring’s stone? 

Or anyone around you below the age of 15

Children can never shut the fuck up. 

Your side piece

Proposals are meant to be peaceful, please. You don’t want anyone to show up and pour hot water on your fiancé’s face. 

Your mother

She’s a witch, and she’s bad vibes. 

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