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Even though science has explained my sleep paralysis demon as my brain malfunctioning and projecting my worst nightmares into the real world, that hasn’t stopped the little bastard from sitting on my chest on random nights and choking me like an out-of-work dominatrix trying to relive her glory days.
Honestly, the whole thing is getting old and I’m sick of it. So. in the hopes that the universe is listening, here’s a list of things I’d rather have choke me than some bushbaby wannabe.
They won’t do it, though, Because they’re afraid of “almost killing me again.”
The whole reason I got a side piece in the first place and even they refuse to do it. For God’s sake, if I regained consciousness once, I can do it again.
“CHOKE ME! CHOKE ME, DAD –”
Choking that’s both delicious AND healthy.
“DON’T STOP!”
“CRUSH MY WINDPIPE!”
“SQUEEZE MY LARYNX!”
“ADNCBJSKdvjkBDJKBvkjd!”
OK, universe. Time to put my sleep paralysis demon to good use. Having said that, y’all should take this quiz to see who you’ll sleep with next. Hopefully, it’s not an incubus/succubus.
