How To Be The ‘Perfect’ Nigerian Child

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1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

Why else do you think you were born?

2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

Use your talents to entertain us around the house.

3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

All your parents want to see are those As.

4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

In that order. The lower you go, the more disappointing you are.

5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

…even when it isn’t, just accept the beating.

6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

Wake yourself up, dress yourself up and drive yourself to school.

7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

No one cares how you do it, just make it happen.

8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

You’re a child, you have no opinions.

9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

Okay?

10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

That’s a good boy!

11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

This is it!

12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

Just so you know.