It’s a few days to Valentine, and you’re still very single. Now, instead of planning a romantic Sunday, you’re considering going to church for the first time in years. While that sounds “fun”, here are six steps you can take to make your neighbor fall in love with you.

1. Play loud music in the middle of the night

If they come to knock and complain, apologise and tell them that you’re having trouble sleeping. They’ll surely stay up with you and, if you’ve ever watched porn, you know how that goes…

2. Lure them with food

Whenever you’re making something nice, bring all your fans together and try to blow the smell in the direction of their house. Food will surely lure them your way.

3. Leave your doors open

If you’re getting desperate, just leave your door open. You’ll come back and meet them standing guard, and that can spark a conversation.. If they steal your things sha, please, don’t @ us.

4. Help them pack their clothes on the line

Even if you didn’t wash, always be on the lookout for rain. You might get wet in the process but Nollywood has shown that this is a tested and trusted way to make them fall for you.

5. Man up and ask them out

You will not die if you speak up. Before someone will post that “valentine is coming” video and you breakdown in a bus because shyness didn’t let you be great.

6. Go to a Babalawo

This should always be your last resort, but love is clearly more important than safety. Do you think babalawos are fake? Just ask Astor

You can’t say we haven’t done anything nice for you.