If you’re feeling the end-of-the-year burnout, you’re not alone. But you have to keep working for the next few weeks so you can have enough money to spoil yourself this Christmas, right? Wrong.
You can show up at work, but with these tips, your boss will leave you to watch Netflix all day every day.
Date them
If your boss is calling you daddy or mummy, tell me if they can use that same mouth to give you work. Never. This is why we encourage unethical workplace dating. Do it. Nobody will beat you, and you’ll benefit from it.
Come up with a new lie every day
Say you’re sick, your mum died or something. Just lie. You think your boss doesn’t lie too? You think they have that many meetings? They’re out playing golf with their rich friends. If Elon Musk can be on Twitter 24/7 while running some of the biggest companies in the world, then you have no reason to give your job your all. Flex.
Work hard and become their boss
There’s nothing like a sweet grass-to-grace story, but this one might require some time and extra work. Imagine sending your line manager to buy amala and then asking them to wash the oily plastic plates when you’re done eating. If you don’t have any other reason to be diligent in life, this one is enough.
Be bad at your job
Just be… terrible. Let them understand that sending you work is equivalent to delayed deadlines and poor work they’ll have to end up doing themselves. It works every time. They might fire you, but at least, you’ll collect salary for a few months of doing nonsense.
Be unemployed
Nobody can send you any work if you don’t have a job. Think outside the box.
Work at a local government office
Is it the oga who’s never on seat that wants to send you on errands? Please, come off it.
Be wicked
It’s good to have a reputation for being wicked and unreasonable. If you can even publicly be a witch, that would be good. Who wants to send you on errands when it means they won’t see the next day?
Look busy all the time
Schedule fake meetings, walk fast, use big words. Just make it look like you’re working your ass off. They’ll be proud of you.
You need a party, and we have a party for you. Get your Z! Fest tickets here and leave the rest to us.
