Work meetings are mostly unnecessary. Why do we need a 30-minute meeting to discuss the number of meetings we have in a week? Why do we need to do daily standups to talk about what we’re doing that day? Why do we need to meet to discuss my performance over the past six months? All these things can easily be said in emails.
If you want to ensure nobody invites you to meetings anymore, do these things.
Note: You might get fired. But at least, you won’t have meetings when you’re unemployed, so win-win.
Interrupt and talk over others
Don’t let anyone complete a sentence without butting in to say something off-topic. Once you do this five times in 30-minute meetings for one month straight, nobody will invite you to meetings again. This one is tried and tested.
Unmute your mic and share nasty office gist in the background
Don’t forget to shout, “Oh my God. I was unmuted?” after someone brings to your attention that you’ve just told the entire team the CEO has been sleeping with interns.
Use porn as your video background
If it’s an online meeting, and they insist everyone has to put their videos on, just use porn as your video background and say you don’t know how to change it. Nobody is inviting you to meeting again.
Make up words and use them repeatedly
When they eventually ask you the meaning of the word, insist that it’s industrial jargon. The fact that they don’t know it means they’re not up to date on industry standards.
Eat noisily during the meeting
If it’s an in-person meeting, fufu and efo riro is perfect. If it’s a video call, messily eat shawarma. But whatever you eat, eat loudly.
Bring a pet and treat it as a “co-worker” participating in the meeting
When you’re done speaking, look to your dog and say, “So Jack, anything for us?” Then laugh for like one minute straight. Nobody will call you to a meeting again, walahi.
Randomly share personal information
When it’s your turn to speak about your weekend, go into detail about how it was a bad weekend because you couldn’t last more than three minutes in bed even though your therapist said you should think about your dead grandma while having sex. That’ll be a great way to start the meeting.
Use a voice changer
Imagine you’re at your appraisal and you sound like one of the chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sounds fun, no?
Share your screen and open a video that’s loud and inappropriate
May we suggest sites where you can find these?
Speak in a poorly-done accent throughout the meeting
How’s your Russian accent? Work calls are a great time to practice.
Put your camera on then leave the room
Let your coworkers speak to a chair.
