The Day I Watched A Pastor’s Televised Healing Session

Alright so one day I was ironing my dad’s shirts and watching the TV. A Christian show was on. Interesting one.

A bunch of sick people were gathered in this church awaiting healing from the pastor. The place was electrified! Screams and shouts, rah. The pastor towered over them, muttering in his sweet voice. You could say the atmosphere was feeling miraculous at the time.

Bodyguards everywhere. Anticipation was crazy. I was watching with rapt attention.

Next thing: whoosh. The healing began. People were crying, laughing and screaming.

Bad ass. Pastor was wading through people and curing them like whoa. And he looked cool doing it!

…then he arrived at this woman standing at the back of the line.

“What do you want the Lord to do for you” he said, I guess. Woman said “Healing for my son.” “Where is he?”

She removed the baby from under her blouse. The only way to describe the ? is…his head had a head.

Pastor was like:

Baby was like:

I was like:

Pastor laid hands…

…sprinkled anointing oil…

…covered as much of the head’s surface area as his holy mantle could accommodate…

While this was happening, I was all like:

After a while the pastor moved on oh. Went to cure people with AIDS and blindness and cancer but as for that tumor?

The end. I burnt my father’s favorite shirt too, in case anyone wondered. SMH