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  • Sunken Ships: She Cut Off All Her Hair Because of Me

    Sunken Ships: She Cut Off All Her Hair Because of Me

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    How did you meet Yinka? 

    Bimpe: She shot a friendship shot at me. In February 2022, she DMed me on Instagram that she’d been following me for a while and thought I was really cool. She ended by saying we stayed around the same place and was wondering if we could be friends. I should’ve known from the shot that she was a weirdo, but I wanted more female friends so I was excited. 

    I’m a very friendly person, and I’ve met a lot of interesting people on social media, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea. I’d travelled to Abuja, so we used the time I was away from Lagos to text each other for a bit. I wanted to know if we had anything in common before we hung out. 

    We seemed to hit it off immediately. We had so much in common it was almost unbelievable. We shared similar goals and views about the world. I thought I would finally have a friend I could do things like go to the gym and run errands with. 

    So you met up with her? 

    Bimpe: Yeah. Two weeks after we started texting. It was supposed to be a quick lunch, nothing longer than an hour, but we stayed there for hours. We exchanged stories about our lives, drank and laughed a lot. The other people in the restaurant were looking at us strangely, but I didn’t care. I thought I’d found the next best thing to happen to me. 

    We spent so much time together after. Since we lived in the same area, we’d attend events from one person’s house because it didn’t make sense to arrive separately. My parents knew her, and I knew hers too. In fact, we’d gotten so close so quickly that about two to three months after we met, we started attending each other’s family events. If she didn’t come for one, my parents would be upset. She was my best friend. 

    When did you start noticing the change?

    Bimpe: About four months into our friendship. I’m a very social person, and because Yinka was my best friend, I dragged her along with me to many places. When we’d go out, it suddenly felt like she was trying to outdo me. She’d always try to make me the butt of jokes even when it wasn’t called for. 

    Once, at a beach party, someone complimented my bikini, but she was quick to point out that my makeup really tied the look together and that she did my makeup for me. Apparently, I’d have been so ugly if I did it myself. There was no reason for the comment. She just wanted to make me feel small. Luckily for me, I’m a very confident person. And I didn’t even notice anything before this beach incident. I think some people are just weird.

    The next time we went to the beach, she was wearing the same bikini the person complimented. What kind of sick behaviour is that? 

    Ah

    Bimpe: That’s another thing she did a lot. Copy my style. If someone complimented my hair, she’d buy the same wig or do the same style. If someone complimented an outfit, she’d buy it and post pictures of herself in it. 

    One time, I went on a date to a restaurant, and the next day, she had a date in that same restaurant. She even wore a similar outfit to the one I wore for my date.  

    Coincidence? 

    Bimpe: At first, I thought so, but one day in July, she’d just gotten her hair done — knotless brown box braids, and she looked really cute in them. The next week, I did layered braids in blonde because I hadn’t made my hair in weeks. Just wigs and vibes. Tell me why two days later, she posted an Instagram story from my hairdresser’s salon. This babe went and did layered braids too but in brown. Two days after I did mine? It was giving “obsessed”. 

    Chelsea c’mon nau 

    Bimpe: I decided to set a trap for her in August when I travelled again. I wanted to really know if she was copying me.

    I removed everyone from my close friends list except her then I posted a picture of hair on the floor on my story and typed “big chop” over it. I actually got the picture from when one of my other friends cut her hair. 

    A couple of days later, Yinka had cut her hair, claiming she was starting a new journey. When I got back to Lagos from Abuja the next week, she came to pick me up from the airport with my parents and was visibly shocked when she saw my afro. I just did as if nothing happened. 

    When we got back to my place, she asked about my hair. That’s when I let her have it. I told her to get out of my house and reported her to my parents so they don’t make the mistake of reaching out to her. 

    Detective doings 

    Bimpe: It was actually scary. When I told my other friends about it, they said that whenever I travelled, she tried to talk to them or initiate hangout sessions. They agreed because she was my close friend. It was as if she wanted my life. Never again, abeg. 

    Did she ever reach out after that? 

    Bimpe: She did. She claimed she was mentally ill, but I just sent her the number of a psychiatrist and blocked her. You can’t be weaponising mental illness in 2023, especially considering she never cared how what she did could’ve affected my own mental health. RELATED: Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked

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  • Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked

    Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    In this episode of Sunken Ships, Kiki* (22) shares why she blocked her uncle and how it goes beyond supporting different candidates.

    What was your relationship with your uncle like pre-elections? 

    Kiki: Pretty normal. You know how in every Nigerian home, there are different kinds of uncles? The rich ones who always give you money, the stingy/broke ones, the one you’re convinced is a pervert, the cool one and the rest? He was one of the rest. A bit younger than my dad, but not young enough that we had things we could relate to. His children are also younger than me, so we didn’t have much to talk about. 

    However, we weren’t enemies. I spent holidays in his house, and when we had family events, we had proper conversations. He didn’t treat me like a child who didn’t know anything, but he provided support only someone older can give. He’d send me articles he read and thought I was interested in so we could talk, but he also sent those ridiculous BCs and bulk messages on Whatsapp. He was okay, and so was our relationship. 

    How did the fight start? 

    Kiki: I won’t call it a fight, but we started having issues over WhatsApp. I hardly use the app, but that day, I decided to check people’s statuses. That’s when I saw that he’d put up the poster of a particular candidate running for President. I swiped up to have a conversation with him because I couldn’t believe who he supported. I wanted to know his thought process if any. He didn’t reply immediately — probably because of work — but we eventually had a conversation. 

    The words he sent that day shocked me. I wanted to scream at him, but I maintained my peace. We had this long back and forth that ended with me blocking him. I didn’t have the strength, and he wouldn’t change his mind. 

    A week later, while I was out with my mum, she stopped by his house. When we got there, he brought up the fact that I’d blocked him to my mother. It’s one thing for him to support someone who’s incompetent, but to report me to my mother over it? I lost it. I reminded them that I’m an adult and can decide I no longer want certain people to have access to my life. My mother told me it didn’t make sense for me to fight family because of politicians. That people have a right to vote and campaign for whoever they want. I told her it’s more than that. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Explain 

    Kiki: If someone doesn’t align with my values, I can also choose to remove their access to me. 

    It’s not just about picking a different candidate. I think that’s very reductive of the issue. You can disagree on the policies of different candidates. Candidate one wants to increase tax by 5%, and candidate two wants to reduce it by 3%. Or one candidate wants to make Lagos the capital of Nigeria, while another wants to make Edo state the capital. These are differences you don’t have to cut off friends and family members over. 

    But  he’s endorsing a corrupt, terrorism-affiliated, allegation-heavy candidate whose policies might as well lead to the end of my life.  I’m upset that he supports someone who’ll most likely make millions of people suffer. I have every right to choose to no longer associate with someone who willingly chooses death and suffering. 

    It shows his beliefs and values align with said candidate. If the candidate he supports has made degrading comments about people from certain tribes, it means my uncle feels the same way. If the person is known to align with thugs and thieves, then that’s something my uncle stands for. I don’t stand for those things, so why should I keep him around? 

    What’ll happen after the elections? 

    Kiki: Nothing. He’s still blocked and will forever remain blocked. Why should he remain in my life? He’s been reporting me to family members, and they’ve called and begged, but that’s their business. I don’t know why they think my uncle and I must talk by force. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him so We Broke Up

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  • Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him, so We Broke Up

    Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him, so We Broke Up

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Lolade* (29) and Amarachi*(29) have been best friends for over a decade. Their friendship almost ended when Lolade started dating Osas*. 

    How did you and your best friend meet? 

    Lolade: We met in church 13 years ago. It was Sunday school. There was a quiz competition for teenagers. We tied for first place and have been conquering the world together every day since. 

    That’s adorable

    Lolade: She’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. When I broke my leg and had to walk around in a cast when I was 19, she called herself my personal assistant and did everything for me. Picking up my pens that fell, helping me do the dishes at home and loosening my hair. We made promises to each other early in life that we’d stand together no matter what. 

    Sure, we got into arguments a couple of times, but we always tried to resolve it despite being very stubborn. The one time it seemed like an argument would last longer than a couple of hours, our parents got involved. They sat us down and reminded us about how much we love each other. 

    How did the guy now enter into all of this? 

    Lolade: I met Osas in 2021. I had gone out to a restaurant to eat alone because Amarachi was in a meeting with an international client. As I sat alone, trying to enjoy my own company, the waiter brought me a drink I didn’t order. When I tried to explain that it was a mix-up, she informed me that someone had sent it to me. I asked her who it was because I wanted to thank him, but all she did was give me his number on a piece of paper. That he said if I wanted to thank him, I should call him. I won’t lie, I was kind of impressed. Things like that don’t happen to me every day, so I was curious to see it through. When I got home, I sent him a text thanking him for the drink. That’s how Osas and I got to talking. 

    Was it love at first text? 

    Lolade: Not really. I mean, I don’t fall in love with people that easily, so I don’t think I’ve ever had a “love at first “ anything. I did however grow to like Osas. We went on a date about a week after the drinks thing and it was the first time I was meeting him face-to-face. Amarachi went to the restaurant we were to have our date at about thirty minutes before me so she could step in if he turned out to be a creep or a weirdo. Luckily for me, he didn’t try anything on the date. He was very respectful throughout the date and he made me laugh a lot. At one point, I texted Amarachi to meet me in the bathroom and we had a mini-session where I just filled her in on how the date was going. 

    The conversation I had with him was great and I didn’t want that night to end. Amarachi and I had planned a movie night that day and that was the only thing stopping me from going home with him. It was a long time since I had a date with a man that made me feel as good as he did. 

    Then what?

    Lolade: Well, we kept talking. We’d go on dates, he’d buy me gifts and flowers, etc. He was very determined in his pursuit of me. I liked it. I’m the firstborn and apart from Amarachi, nobody really took care of me. They all just expected me to “handle it”. Having someone who was intentional about making my life easier really made me fall fast. Two months after talking, he came over to my house one day to do my dishes because I was too lazy to do any housework. I fell for this man hard. 

    We started dating three months after our first date. I became a “my man, my man, my man” kind of girl. Every opportunity I got, I was talking about him and how amazing he treated me. I was in love with him. 

    What changed? 

    Lolade: Amarachi didn’t like him so much. Throughout the talking stage, Amarachi told me she had a bad feeling about him. Now, Amarachi is more spiritual than I am so she believes in auras and reading people’s energies. Not really my type of thing, but whenever she does it, I leave her to her devices. However, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t like him. She’d always complained to me that I settle when it comes to romantic relationships, so I didn’t understand why she wasn’t excited there was a guy finally treating me the way she had always wanted for me. 

    Whenever I mentioned I was spending time with him, she’d try to change the topic as quickly as possible. If I was telling her about something nice he did for me, she’d end it with a “that’s nice” and keep it moving. It was a side of her I hardly ever saw and it made me start keeping things about him from her. I’d lie about who I was spending time with and talking to and I knew she knew I was lying, but she never pushed. It started creating a divide. 

    Damn

    Lolade: It made me start withdrawing from her a lot. We used to have brunch every Sunday and I started skipping it a few times. Our calls became shorter and since I was almost always at Osas’ house or he was at mine, we didn’t have our sleepovers anymore. Our lifetime friendship was slipping away right before my eyes and I did nothing about it. 

    Why? 

    Lolade: I got too attached to Osas. He was doing everything for me and I liked how he made me feel. For the first time, I considered marrying someone. It felt like he was my one true shot at a fairytale life and I didn’t want to let it go. 

    When I told Osas about the whole Amarachi situation, he told me she was jealous of me. That since she’s the one used to having different guys shower her with attention, she didn’t know how to react to seeing me in a loving and thriving relationship. He encouraged me to stay away from her and ice her out from a couple of things and me, the olodo that I am, I did. 

    Amarachi didn’t stop reaching out to me. She’d text, try to call, she even emailed me, but I was not answering. One day she showed up at my office and demanded to see me or else she was not leaving. I know her, and I knew it was not an empty threat, so I went to meet her. She shouted at me in front of everyone. Called me an idiot for letting a man come between us and threatened to beat sense into my head if I didn’t act right. She reminded me of when we promised each other that we’d never argue because of a man and that here I was, refusing to speak to her because a man asked me to. Honestly, I was a bit disgusted at myself for that. Truly, how? 

    That’s when I realised that all the things I was hyping this man for doing for me, Amarachi did. She’d come to my house when I have cramps, read me bedtime stories, clean and cook. When my car was bad, she drove me to work every day even though she worked from home. She bought me flowers and even flew me out of the country once because I had complained about being exhausted from work. I think the day she showed up to my office knocked sense into my head. 

    What did you do? 

    Lolade: I broke up with him. We had been dating for almost a year at this point and were even planning to move in together. But right then and there in the office, I sent him a text saying we needed to end our relationship. I knew the right guy for me will be someone my best friend will love wholeheartedly and if she didn’t, then he was not the one. I cried a lot that day but Amarachi was there, holding my hand through it all. 

    Wow. That’s a lot

    Lolade: That’s not even the end. A couple of months later, I found out that he was arrested for fraud. Amarachi was so tickled when she found out. She still rubs it in my face that she saved me from having all my assets seized. That I’d have been using my money to hire lawyers for a criminal. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me if we were dating when he got arrested. We’d have moved in together and they’d have seized my house. What would I have done? Now, I take her gut feelings more seriously than I ever did. Before a case of “hath I known” will be my portion.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke

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  • Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke

    Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke

    Yinka* (27), the subject of this week’s Sunken Ships, reduced her friend group from four to three girls, after cutting one off for constantly feeling entitled to their money and trying to garner pity by emphasising how much less than them she earned.

    Talk to me 

    Yinka: I once cut off a friend because she was broke. 

    Ah 

    Yinka: When I say it like that it sounds terrible, but it was more than that. She was very annoying because she was broke.

    Please explain 

    Yinka: So we’re a group of four babes who went to the same university. Me and Uche were roommates in 2015, so we knew each other longer. The third, Toyin, was a coursemate of mine I got close to later that year, and the fourth, Halima, we met at a party in 2016. It’s been the four of us since then. 

    We made promises to each other that we’d always stay in touch. We envisioned a life that allowed us to travel and wear expensive clothes like the girls we saw in magazines. It’s not like it was impossible. All of us came from middle class families so the plan was to build on what we already have. 

    How did that work out? 

    Yinka: Not so well in the beginning. We left school in 2017, and it was bad job after bad job for all of us. Add in some failed businesses and investments and it was a disaster. Life was hitting us back-to- back. 

    Damn 

    Yinka: Things didn’t start looking up until the middle of 2018. I got a new job and so did Halima. Uche decided that a 9-5 wasn’t for her and started her own business, and Toyin got a promotion at her job. It was great. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

    What made it so great? 

    Yinka: We could finally do some of the things we’d planned to do since we were in university. We started going to parties together and buying tables, planning vacations within Nigeria and having movie nights in our houses. It wasn’t big things, but it was great. 

    We also got to show up for each other in better ways. We’d give each other expensive bags and household items for birthdays and other important dates. I loved how our sisterhood improved when we had money. 

    But nobody sounds broke here 

    Yinka: That’s the thing. Being broke is a state of mind for some people, and Toyin was one of such people. As the years went on, we started making even more money. We really poured a lot of what we had into our work and it showed great results. However, since all fingers aren’t equal, some people earned more than others. As at 2021, Toyin earned the least. 

    We never brought up it, but she did. Constantly. We’d go out for dinner and Toyin would automatically declare that we shouldn’t expect anything from her since we’re the rich ones. It was ridiculous because someone would’ve already said the meal was on them before we even went to the restaurant. 

    Other times, it’s when we wanted to contribute money for a gift for one of us. She would start complaining that we’re giving gifts that are too expensive. She’d borrow money from us and never pay back, collect all our expensive items and never replace them. We didn’t understand what was going on. 

    What if she was struggling? 

    Yinka: We asked her about work and even offered help on many occasions, but she just acted weird about it. It almost always ended up in an argument where she hinted we were calling her poor.

    We once gifted her six months rent so she could at least save the rent money for something else. But throughout that period, she still made weird jokes about how much less she earned and stuff. I started to think she preferred that both her money and ours was spent on her alone. But it’s not how friendship works.

    Did you ever talk to her about it? 

    Yinka: I did towards the end of 2021. My other friends are very soft people. I’m the more direct one about things like this, maybe because I’m an aries. I pulled her aside once and told her the jokes were weird. It’s not like she even earned much less than we did. It was just a small margin, but she kept trying to make it as though she were dirt poor. 

    What happened next?

    Yinka: She flared up and told me I was wicked. This led to her kind of withdrawing from the group and I just stopped talking to her completely. We still talk to her as a group, buy her gifts, send her flowers and stuff, but for me to text her personally? Not at all. 

    Her attitude to earning less was the problem. We didn’t mind giving. She just seemed too entitled to it.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him

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  • Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him

    Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is Mercy* (26). She tells us how she had to suppress her bad bitch life because of her ex, Olamide* (28). He didn’t like that she was always outside and knew so many rich people.

    How did you meet? 

    Mercy: Olamide and I met in 2020 at a small New Year’s Eve party. Since the COVID restrictions weren’t completely lifted, it was an invite-only party, but we could all bring plus one’s. He was his friend’s plus one. So there was one guy who kept trying to talk to me. I just grabbed Olamide randomly, and pretended he was my boyfriend. Luckily for me, he went along with it and the other guy bought it. That’s how we started talking that night. 

    He looked harmless, so I just stayed with him. He told me about anime, tech, crypto, and all the other stuff he was interested in. I wasn’t really into any of that, but he spoke with so much passion that I listened. Plus, he was kind of funny. I had a good time. Towards the end of the party, we exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. We did. 

    And then? 

    Mercy: We texted as often as we could and even planned to meet up. What really drew me to him was how different he is from the kind of guys and girls I usually date. Because of the kind of work I do, I’m used to people who want to be as public as possible because of collaboration opportunities and other stuff. He, on the other hand, was a banker who loved to watch anime and read books. A good time for him was indoors just chilling. It was refreshing, and he quickly became a safe space for me for when outside became a little too much. 

    So what happened next?

    Mercy: The first time we went on a date was a week or so after the party. It was to a lovely restaurant I’d been to a couple of times. He said he wanted to impress me, and I thought it was cute. I got there before him because I lived closer to the place, so while I waited, the waiter told me someone bought me a bottle of wine. I’d already had about two glasses when Olamide arrived. 

    We talked a bit, ate some really good food and even drank the wine together. When the bill came and he asked why the wine wasn’t on the bill, the waiter informed him that it was paid for by someone else. He got upset that I shared a drink with him bought by another man on our date, but I apologised, and he let it go. 

    Did things like that happen often? 

    Mercy: Random people buying me stuff? Yes. I won’t say I’m the prettiest girl in Lagos, because babes dey, but I can hold my own. Plus, people with money just like to impress. I didn’t grow up rich, but I grew up around rich people, so I had a lot of connections and certain doors opened for me because of this. I’ve gotten used to being around people who flaunt their money hoping it’ll get something from whoever. But it’s usually because they have nothing else to offer. I take the money or gifts because it’ll make them feel good about themselves, and I get to spend less. Win for everybody. 

    How did Olamide feel about this? 

    Mercy: Oh, he hated it. Before we started dating in April 2021, I tried to hide it from him as much as possible. I chalked up most of the perks to being a part of my job but didn’t go into details. 

    What changed after you started dating? 

    Mercy: I couldn’t hide the real sources of the gifts any longer. It’s not like I didn’t try, but dating meant we spent a lot of time together, and he got to see what my life was really like — parties, gifts, mini and not-so-mini celebrities and a lot of other things. I tried my best to make him feel as involved as possible, but he made it very clear that it wasn’t his thing and I should just have fun. At first, it wasn’t a problem. I’d text him while I was out and sometimes call him when I get back. Sometimes, I’d go out from his place so he could watch me get ready. When I return, he’d help me take off my makeup and clothes, and we’d cuddle till I fall asleep. 

    I also stopped accepting every invitation to every event. Being with him made the world stop moving at 1.5x speed. We’d order food in and take turns watching romantic comedies and the anime and thrillers he liked. The first couple of months into the relationship were great. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    When did it stop being so great? 

    Mercy: I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but I know my birthday in September was a disaster. It wasn’t because of anything he did, but because of everything else that happened. At this point, we’d basically moved into my place together because it was bigger and closer to where he worked. 

    So on my birthday, he wanted us to have a sit-down dinner at home. He’d cook, we’d dance to some songs from the speaker and do a marathon of movies I’ve been meaning to see. I loved the idea. I hadn’t spent my birthday indoors in about three years, so I was excited. It was a Friday, so he got home earlier than he usually does and met several boxes and bags of stuff in the house. People had gotten me a lot of gifts. Hair, money towers, expensive perfumes, clothes, etc. He didn’t say anything, but with each delivery I got, he got quieter. During dinner and after, my phone kept ringing and buzzing from notifications. I had to turn it off at some point. 

    The next day, my friends were throwing a birthday thing for me at the club, and he’d agreed to come, but he suddenly changed his mind. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable there, and I didn’t rate him as much as I did my club and party friends. I was upset he’d think that because I’d turned down so many requests to hang out on my birthday just so I could spend time with him. 

    I went to the club alone and tried to have fun, but I kept thinking of how sad he must’ve been. When I texted, he didn’t reply. I called, he didn’t pick up. I couldn’t face him, so I told him I won’t be coming home and spent the weekend at my friend’s place. 

    How did you guys move on from that? 

    Mercy: I don’t think we really did. I went back to the place on Monday and tried to cheer him up with a gift I got him. It was a sweater of one of the animes he likes, but he barely acknowledged the gift. He just said he wasn’t upset and we just continued living together. 

    I kept trying to keep things from him to prevent him from getting upset, but that backfired because it made him think I was cheating on him. 

    Were you? 

    Mercy: Not at all, but he thought everyone was a suspect. Whenever I mentioned hanging out with a girl or sleeping over at hers, he’d get pretty defensive and angry about it. He even tried to stop me from going out a couple of times, even when he knew they were work outings. 

    At a point, my friend got involved and staged an intervention for me. She told me that he knew the kind of person I was before he started dating me, and I did all I possibly could to reassure him. It wasn’t fair that I was the one making all the sacrifices and walking around eggshells because I didn’t want to upset him. She rounded it up by saying I was too much of a bad bitch for him so he either had to get with the program or get out. 

    Damn. That’s a lot

    Mercy: Yeah, she’s kind of intense. Would you believe that I didn’t even break up with him after her pep talk? It wasn’t until November ending that I found out he was cheating on me with one of his coworkers. 

    How did you find out? 

    Mercy: I needed his phone for a video I was making and she texted. I went through their replies and I was wrecked. I threw him out of my house, blocked him everywhere, and I haven’t been in contact with him since then. 

    Wow. Any regrets? 

    Mercy: That I allowed myself change so much for him. Sure, staying indoors is nice and fun, but I chose my line of work because I like to be outside. I like to shake my ass and have fun with my friends. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t like that. It’s too much of an important part of my life. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I No Longer Have Friends in Nigeria

    Brought to you by LOVE LIFE

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: I No Longer Have Friends in Nigeria

    Sunken Ships: I No Longer Have Friends in Nigeria

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is a woman who’s tired of losing her friends to the japa wave. After having four of her friends leave, Yinka* (28) feels she has no friends left in Nigeria, but she still doesn’t want to leave.

    Let’s start from the beginning

    Yinka: In 2015, Adeola, my friend from church, was my first friend to leave Nigeria. We’d been friends since we were children. Our mothers were both in the choir, so we often saw each other during practices and church programmes. 

    I’m not a very outgoing person, so making friends was difficult for me. She was about my only friend in the church even after I’d been going there for a decade. But she had a few other friends outside of me. She never for once made me feel like I wasn’t as important as her other friends. She even introduced me to them. We barely argued, and everything seemed really great. 

    She never indicated that she planned on leaving the country, or I just didn’t know because she didn’t consider us close enough. Either way, I didn’t find out until a day before she left. We were eating sugar cane when she told me her flight out of the country was the next day. I didn’t know what to do except be happy for her, so I was. 

    What do you mean by you didn’t know what to do? 

    Yinka: Well, the babe and I weren’t close enough for it to have caused me to break down into tears. However, we were close enough that I could feel her departure. For the first couple of Sundays, I unconsciously kept looking for her in church. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Lied About His Move Abroad

    Did you think the japa situation was going to become a problem later? 

    Yinka: No, I didn’t. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have many friends, but at that time, people barely spoke about leaving the country. A lot of us were just leaving school or starting new jobs, and the phrase on our lips was, “The country will get better.” There was still a lot of patriotism in the air at the time. 

    When did you realise it might be a problem? 

    Yinka: 2017, when another friend left Nigeria. Betty* and I met each other during NYSC in 2015. We were bunkmates and got along great. 

    Unlike my church friend, Betty always made it clear that her Nigeria situation was not permanent. For her, NYSC was a way to waste her time while she waited for word from the schools she’d applied to. 

    Honestly, I admired her for knowing what she wanted out of life and fighting really hard for it. However, it didn’t hurt any less when she left. I’d been carried along through the entire process, but her farewell dinner was the first time I cried. Seeing everyone talk about how much they’d miss her, I almost lost my mind. When it was my turn to say a few things about her, I just cried and hugged her. I was going to miss her so much. 

    Was keeping in touch with these people not an option? 

    Yinka: It was, but how long could we keep in touch? Maybe it’s because I’m a very out of sight person, but I find it very difficult to keep in touch with people I don’t see often. Adeola and I weren’t close enough for weekly calls, but we did try to have them once every two weeks. With time, it dwindled to just liking each other’s posts on Instagram. 

    Betty and I tried to do weekly calls, but her classes got too demanding, my job got too stressful, and with a seven-hour time difference, there was only so much we could do. We still occasionally text, but it wasn’t the same as when she could enter a cab to my office because she wanted me to buy her amala from the woman who sold it near my office. 

    Okay, I see your point 

    Yinka: I’m not saying no one can maintain a healthy long-distance friendship, but I’m not one of those people who can. My distance has to be driveable. 

    How many more times did you have a friend leave the country? 

    Yinka: Twice. The next was in 2019, and I think it caused a major problem for me. Even though it was someone I’d known for roughly a year, I’m still trying to recover from no longer being able to see her. 

    Chidera* and I were coworkers. Our company hired her almost immediately after they hired me in 2018, and we spent a lot of time together, trying to solve the problems our bosses created for us. I wasn’t expecting us to build a strong friendship, but it happened. 

    It was a couple of months after she was hired. We met at a party one of my cousins had invited me to. Since she was the only person I knew outside of my cousin, we sat together. We talked about work and life outside of work. I think that’s when we realised we had a lot in common. We exchanged social media accounts and kept in touch. It started with tweets about shows we were watching, then it progressed to texts then calls. 

    Whenever we sat together to work, we barely got anything done. Even our co-workers knew how close we were. They said arguing with one of us was like arguing with both of us. Why? Because we always had each other’s back. 

    That’s so cute 

    Yinka: She was my confidant and best friend, and I knew I was hers too. We had sleepovers at each other’s houses, talked about the men in our lives and discussed plans to live a better life. 

    During one of such discussions, she mentioned applying for new jobs. At first, I thought her search was limited to Abuja, but she mentioned jobs in Lagos and Canada. 

    I sent her every link I could find to every job opening related to what she wanted to do. At a point, if you opened my phone, all you saw were job applications. I helped her fill her forms, and when she got the job, I took her out to dinner and we drank, cried and drank some more. 

    We found buyers for her property together. I bought the ticket she used to leave the country. And because her parents are late, I was the only person who followed her to the airport. Her only sibling was waiting to receive her in Canada. 

    How did it feel watching her leave? 

    Yinka: I didn’t leave the airport premises until she sent me a message that she’d boarded her flight. I refused to drive to the airport because my chest was too tight for me to think straight. And I cried so much, my Uber driver had to ask me if someone died. 

    I took a week off work and even left our former company three months after. I couldn’t work there anymore. It wasn’t the same without her. Chidera and I still speak, at least more than I do with Adeola or Betty. We had to schedule each other into our lives. We speak on the phone every Sunday afternoon and try to get up to date with what’s going on. I still miss her so much. I was supposed to travel to see her in 2020, but with COVID-19 and the lockdown, that didn’t happen. I’m planning another trip for later in 2023, so let’s hope nothing spoils that one. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Lost My Best Friend and I Blame Nigeria

    So watching a friend leave for the fourth time…

    Yinka: It was my cousin and she left in 2022. She’d gotten married during the pandemic in 2020, and her husband left for the USA in 2021. In 2022, they finally worked all their papers and she went to join him. I didn’t follow her to the airport or even attend her farewell party. I told her congratulations, sent her some money and prayed for her. Anything more was not in my power to do. I was numb to it all by this point.

    Why? 

    Yinka: I’m exhausted. Maybe it’s japa fatigue, but I don’t know how to process watching someone leave again. Sure, it’s not like they’re dying, but what’s the point? 

    The whole situation has made it even harder for me to make friends. Almost everyone you meet now is talking about leaving the country or asking you when you plan to leave. What’s the point of making a new friend who’ll leave you in a couple of months for greener pastures? I don’t blame them because Nigeria is hard. But it’s getting harder because I have no friends to lean on. I’m extremely lonely, and there’s not much I can do about it. 

    Do you want to leave Nigeria?

    Yinka: It seems like the sensible choice, but my answer is no. I don’t want to go. I’m my parents’ only child; I don’t want to leave them alone. I also don’t like the idea of starting over. Learning a new language? A new set of customs and behaviours? I can’t do it. I just hope things change in Nigeria so moving countries doesn’t become a prayer point for me in the future. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this Sunken Ships is *Kunle (27), who tells us how he chose the elections over his friendship and why he can’t be friends with “politically irresponsible” people. 

    How did you become friends with this person?

    Kunle: I want to believe Femi* and I became friends the same day his mother started renting the shop beside my mothers. We were the same age and both spent a lot of time in the shops after school. We’d do our homework together and play football in front of the shops together. Sometimes, if my mum wants to go somewhere, she’d just leave me with Femi’s mum. I think we were even the reason our mums became friends. 

    When we were ten years old, we applied to the same secondary school and we became even closer. One of our mums will drop us off at resumption and they rotated picking us up as well as coming for our visiting days. At a point, people just assumed we were brothers. We shared many things and I knew I could always count on him and his mum and they could do the same. 

    That’s cute.

    Kunle: I won’t say cute exactly. It’s like we didn’t have any choice but to be friends. Being friends was the sensible option and it’s the one we chose. 

    So you didn’t like each other? 

    Kunle: We did o, but since with all the time we spent around each other, it was bound to happen. I just think if not for the proximity we had towards each other, it may not have happened. 

    Femi has always been a bit more outgoing and irresponsible than I have. While I was the first child, he’s the last born, so his parents were a lot more lenient with him than they were with me. Add to the fact that the age gap between him and the child immediately before him is five years, his parents and two siblings let him get away with almost anything. 

    I, on the other hand, had to deal with firstborn pressure. I’d have to look after not just myself, but my three younger siblings. There was a lot on my plate and a lot was expected from me. I tried to be that good example my siblings need. 

    So, it’s not like we didn’t like each other. I had grown to love him like a brother. It’s just that a lot of my life would have happened differently if not for him. 

    As in how? 

    Kunle: When we were 16, he got a girlfriend. That wasn’t a problem, but he felt I had to have one too, so he introduced me to her friend and we started dating. My mind wasn’t in that relationship, but I did it anyways. Femi was fun. To be friends with him, you have to be fun as well. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

    Interesting. So did you remain friends till your adulthood? 

    Kunle: Yes, we did. However, we moved houses and by extension, shops. Femi and I’s friendship had already taken a hit when we both went to different universities, but we still saw each other when we could. After the move though, there was a time I didn’t see him for almost a full year. I was 20 then. Luckily, our mothers kept in touch and we reconnected as friends. We’d go to events, drink and watch football together. Just the little things to maintain the friendship. 

    I won’t say we were as close as we used to be, but we still treated each other like brothers. When his dad died in 2015, I went to the burial and stayed with him for a while. Even helped his mother with some running around seeing as the first son was not in the country anymore. 

    You guys had been through a lot together

    Kunle: Yes, we have. He was my longest friend, ever. 

    So why exactly did you both stop being friends?

    Kunle: The problem started around 2022 when people started declaring their interest in running for President. Out of all the candidates, I think there’s only one sensible option, and I thought it was so obvious, anyone with eyes can see it. Turned out, not everyone is interested in this country finally having progress. 

    When we started discussing politics, it turned out that my friend had another candidate in mind. I was not one of those politically serious people, but this election means a lot to me. Over half of my friend group has left the country in search of greener pastures. My rent is ridiculous and my salary is just enough for the things I need. Barely enough for savings and other things. I can’t continue in a Nigeria like this. So I started discussing politics with my friends a lot more than we usually did. I encouraged them to register for their PVC and to vote as well. I carried the matter on my head. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Political gbogbo 

    Kunle: Abeg. I don’t like how this country is and I want to do my part in making sure it changes. That’s why in the usual fashion of encouraging my friends to do things, I reached out to Femi to find out his plans for the election. As we were talking, I found out he planned to vote for a different candidate than me and that’s when the fighting started. I’d question him about the reasons for his choice and he’d never give me a sensible answer. I was irritated. I’d send presidential rallies, articles and videos to try to convince him otherwise, but he didn’t budge. 

    The day I saw him actively campaigning for his candidate? I wanted to beat him up. I knew his irresponsibility was a lot, but is he not tired of how this country is? To me, it was like he was actively putting our lives in danger. I didn’t care if he was just one vote. I couldn’t look past the display of foolishness. The friendship could not continue. Before someone will associate me with his brand of nonsense. 

    That was it? 

    Kunle: That was it. I didn’t need either reason. Which other reason could I have possibly needed? Political irresponsibility is basically murder. If you’re irresponsible with your vote, your candidate and the policies you support, you’re risking people’s lives by trying to elect the worst option possible. 

    Hmm

    Kunle: I simply stopped talking to him

    and he stopped talking to me either. We’re on two opposite sides, so there’s no fence sitting that can happen here. His mother still asks after me and I occasionally call to say hello, but Femi? Never again o. When we see each other outside, we act as if we don’t know each other. Our mutual friends have picked up on it, but they haven’t asked why exactly we stopped talking. 

    Do you regret it? 

    Kunle: My future and that of Nigeria is more important to me than any friendship. I can and will end any friendship over politics.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this Sunken Ships, Alex*, talks to us about having a work wife, Shalom*, and navigating the job now that she and Alex no longer work together. 

    When did you meet this person? 

    Alex: I met Shalom in October 2020. We got hired at the same time and in our second week in the office we decided to meet in person. 

    Initially, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason, but when we met that day, she was much friendlier than I thought. 

    Was that when you got closer? 

    Alex: Not really. It wasn’t until one Friday, about a week or so after we met that she called me to get to know me. We hit it off immediately. At that point, I realised that if she had asked me to do all her work for her I would have. 

    I’m a very private person, but we followed each other on all the social media platforms. We liked the same books, I liked talking to her and I thought she was funny and brilliant. It made sense to follow each other everywhere. Over time, I started to send her funny TikToks. I never shut up about her and everyone in my life was tired of hearing about this person. I won’t lie. 

    It dawned on me that I loved her in a friend way when I made her a playlist. I don’t just make anyone playlists. There have been so many great moments in her presence and I have so much love for her that if at any point we stop being friends I’ll always root for her and I know she’ll be rooting right back. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists for People

    That’s so cute. What was working with her like?

    Alex: Well, we worked remotely, but working with her meant feeling seen. She understood what I struggled with because she was struggling with it too.  I looked forward to going to the office on the days we had to because she’d be there and I’d feel less alone. 

    She’s also more outgoing than me, so she made sure to include me in activities I’d have normally shied away from. Hell, I want to say she made me more productive. With her there, I actually wanted to get my work done. Working with her was great and she made work more fun. 

    How did you feel when she told you she was leaving?

    Alex: Conflicted. She wasn’t always very happy there and I wanted better for her but I also knew I was going to miss her. I felt so sad for the longest time because we were a team of two and I already felt alone and hidden in my office. With her gone, it’d be worse. 

    I think at first I was distant because I worried about things changing between us, but we just went right back to talking after like it didn’t happen. 

    When she left, it meant I had to do the work of two people alone and no one saw it as a problem until I pointed it out. It increased my workload and made me tired out, but that’s about it. I still have her in my life. 

    Damn. Do you miss working with her? 

    Alex: So much. She made work feel less than a job. She had the most original ideas and encouraged mine no matter how ridiculous. She also spoke up a lot in situations where other people were silent and I always admired that. Plus, she looked so fly all the time. A fine woman 100%. 

    Do you think you’re as close as you used to be? 

    Alex: I don’t think so but it’s just because we don’t work on the same office clock. I used to spend more time in my day talking to her about work and then about our personal lives. I no longer see her as often. 

    We still talk, send tweets, have long phone calls and send Tiktoks to one another. She’s my babe for life. I’d like to deliberately make time to plan a physical hang-out because she is one of the best people in my life right now. 

    Do you want her to come back?

    Alex: No honestly, but I will love to work with her again someday.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subjects of this Sunken Ships, Eno* (23) and Emem* (21), share how love wasn’t enough in their relationship. They talk to us about the situations surrounding their breakup, choosing to remain friends and thoughts on getting back together. 

    How did the two of you meet? 

    Eno: We met in person in January 2020, but we started texting in December 2019 when I responded to one of her tweets. 

    She’ had mentioned she was coming to get yarn somewhere around my office for something she was crocheting. I jokingly asked her to buy me food. She did, and I gave her the most horrible directions she never let me live down. 

    Emem: Emphasis on the horrible directions part. I don’t know how they do it, but they can make you get lost on a straight road. I decided to come see them because I was bored. Also, we had been texting a lot leading up to that time, so I just thought seeing them wouldn’t be bad. It became a thing where whenever I was anywhere close to that area, I’d try to see them. 

    Eno: If we were not physically seeing each other, we were on calls for hours on end.  I was enamored by her and everything she did. I wondered how one person could be so full of life. She was amazing.

    Emem: Was? Ah. 

    Eno: Shut up. 

    LMAO. When did feelings get involved? 

    Eno: I realised she liked me in February when she tried to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift. She said she got gifts for all her friends, but she didn’t talk to me like someone who was talking to their friend. 

    Emem: Truly, I do buy gifts for my close friends every year, or I at least try to. With Eno, I said that because I didn’t think they liked me too. 

    Eno: I knew I had feelings for her, but I also had feelings for someone else. I couldn’t reconcile liking two people at once, and it kept leading to arguments. 

    I know it hit me one day in June. It was after one of our arguments. We weren’t speaking to each other, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. With every errand I ran, I wanted to share the silly things that happened to me with her. That’s when it hit me that oh, I was actually in love with this person. 

    Emem: We started dating in the first week of July. I texted them one day and was like why don’t we do this relationship thing. 

    Eno: I wanted to ask, but she beat me to it. She always beat me to everything. Her blood is too hot. 

    Emem: If I like something, I go after it. I don’t like wasting time. 

    What was the relationship like?

    Eno: We were in love, and it felt perfect-ish, like we made sense together. The good days were really good, but the bad days were really bad. She always got me; I didn’t have to struggle to explain certain things I did or why I did them. 

    We had a messy beginning, and it took a toll on the relationship. I hated to admit it, but it did. Loving her was easy though. Unfortunately, in many ways, we kept hurting each other. One thing she used to say was, “Love is not enough” and she was right because it wasn’t. 

    Emem: I’m a broken person, and the thought that a relationship could be without drama was very new to me. I felt like problems were necessary, so when we solved them, it felt wrong. 

    The beginning was messy because they were new to relationships and wanted to go at a much slower pace than me. I think that was the main problem of our relationship; we never walked at the same pace.

    I wanted to buy them all the gifts I could buy, and show them off. But they wanted to be more intimate, to spend more time together, getting to really know each other. I felt we could figure ourselves out later on in the relationship, but they thought we should do all of that in the beginning. 

    By the time they started picking up the pace, I’d slowed down. 

    Is that why you broke up?  

    Eno: I didn’t listen enough to her physical and emotional needs, so we became incompatible somehow. I didn’t make her feel loved and wanted. 

    Emem: Instead of communicating with them how I felt, I kept letting it pile up till I just burst from frustration and annoyance. I dated them for two years, and for half of that time, we were walking on thin ice around each other. 

    Eno: She stopped getting me the way she used to. It’s like she forgot there were other parts of me than the ones she already knew. 

    She stopped asking me what movies I enjoyed and just kept referring the ones I watched when I was a teenager. It felt like she was stuck on the person she met and not the one she was growing in a relationship with. 

    Emem: We should’ve broken up a long time ago, but by November 2022, I knew we couldn’t enter the New Year the way we were, so I asked that we break up. 

    Eno: Every day after the breakup was hell. I cried so much and couldn’t eat, and I was miserable. I couldn’t share jokes with her or see her, and God, I cried. I cried on the bus and the road. Everywhere. I have no idea how I got anything done. 

    I knew we were going to break up, but I hoped we wouldn’t. Even though I was prepared for the possibility of a break up, the reality knocked the wind out of me. I was rendered useless. 

    I felt alone in my sadness. I didn’t know if I meant anything or if we were important. I hated the awkwardness that came with texting her. It was like a grating noise. She called me my name one time during text instead of the nickname she gave me and I cried myself to sleep.

    Emem: I may have asked that we break up, but I cried a lot. There were days when I’d want to call and tell them about my day, but I couldn’t. The realisation would lead to more tears. It was a lot. They’d weaved themselves into every corner of my life, and I couldn’t escape them. Their birthday is my password, so every time I opened my phone I was reminded of the fact that this person was no longer in my life. They were friends with my friends and we even had to do some work together. Even the book I was reading in school was bought for me by them. I couldn’t escape. 

    I felt like I had made a huge mistake with the break up, but at the same time, I knew I did the right thing. We needed to work on ourselves away from each other.  

    Eno: I missed all the silly things that made no sense to anyone but us, her teasing me, having someone be more excited than me about my stupid interests. I missed her in her entirety. 

    I also missed her mum. I didn’t know how much of our lives had become so intertwined until the break-up. She was unavoidable. I didn’t even want to avoid her. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Been Friends Before We Dated

    Is that why you’re still friends?

    Eno: To be honest, it was hard to be friends at first. I’d blocked her everywhere because everything was too painful a reminder of the relationship, but I missed her friendship. 

    We make the best friends. The jokes and conversations we have, I love them. I eventually responded to texts, called, and we fell into a comfortable routine a month after we broke up. 

    Emem: That’s my guy forever and ever. Even though the romantic part of our relationship suffered, the friendship was always there. We showed up for each other and even after we broke up, we still show up for each other. Being friends with Eno is a special type of relationship, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    Eno: Yeah, what she said. 

    Emem: I greatly dislike you. 

    Eno: You love me.

    Emem: I really do.

    Something you learnt from the breakup? 

    Eno: I learnt that I’d somehow lost my sense of self. I didn’t know how to be soft anymore, how to enjoy my company, and I’m capable of being bold and better. Also that she’s softer than she lets me know. 

    Emem: I’ve always been a softie, but yeah, I was too hard with you. It’s unfortunate that almost everyone saw the softest version of myself but the person I was supposed to be in a relationship with. I learnt that I have problems, and I’m trying to work on them. But I’m enjoying this whole being single thing for now. 

    Do you see yourselves getting back together?

    Eno: Yes. Well, I hope so. 

    Emem: Yeah, I do, but like, not now. We have some personal things to discover. 

    Eno: And we need to make sure we won’t make the same mistakes we made the last time.

    Emem: Period, bestie. 

    What do you plan to do differently?

    Eno: If I feel more secure spending time with myself, I’d be able to show up more for her and actually listen to her and not just hear what I think. I’ll show her how much I love her at every given moment and make the silly TikTok with her. I’ll dance on the road with her and just enjoy her without asking her to be more or less than she is. 

    Emem: I’ll talk about things more. I didn’t know when I became so closed off to them, but I plan on opening up more. In fact, I’m even trying now. Abi? 

    Eno: Yes, you are. 

    Emem: Baby steps and a lot of hard work, but I try because I love the idiot.

    Eno: I might maybe love you too. 

    Emem: LMAO. You’re adorable.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Dad Ruined Our Relationship With His Work

    Sunken Ships: My Dad Ruined Our Relationship With His Work

    Ada (22) tells us about her relationship with her dad. She was a daddy’s girl growing up, but that relationship changed because her dad was more invested in his job than her. 

    So, your dad…

    Ada: When I was little, they told me I looked like my dad, that even though I was a girl, my dad loved me so much I took his face. 

    There’s nothing we didn’t do together. Whenever my mum shouted at me, I would report her to my dad, and he’d take me out for ice cream. My mum told me she’d given birth to my dad’s best friend. At a point, it felt like we were a family on our own, and my mum was the outsider. 

    How? 

    Ada: Every Sunday from the age of five till when I went to boarding school when I was ten, my dad and I spent Sundays together. 

    My mum would stay in church really late. My dad would buy me Super Yogo and sugar cane, and we’d walk back home together, leaving her. Then he’d dish food for us to eat together. When my mum comes back, my dad and I would go to the supermarket to buy groceries. He’d give me money to buy whatever it is I wanted, but he’d still buy me chocolates, ice cream and snacks. I’d end up saving the money because I wouldn’t need to spend it on anything. 

    You were a daddy’s girl 

    Ada: A big one. It was just me growing up, and my dad was very invested in taking care of me. My mum always complained that he was spoiling me, but my dad didn’t care. He’d cook for me and serve me my food, wash the socks I wore to school and carry me to my room whenever I fell asleep on the couch. 

    I don’t think I ever doubted that my dad loved me. He took care of me and encouraged me. He always expected great things from me and I was so happy whenever I hit and surpassed the goals he set for me academically. I told my dad everything and he was my best friend. We played board games together, washed the car together and watched the news together. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father for Now

    What changed? 

    Ada: When I went to boarding school at the age of ten, I saw my dad less. He hardly came for my visiting days, open days or PTA meetings. My mum did all the running around for that. My dad was busy working. Whenever I came home for the holidays though, we spent time together but it wasn’t as frequent as it was when I was younger. In fact, the more time passed, the less I saw of him. My final year in secondary school, he came only once, the day of my graduation. 

    I think his job was the major cause of distance between us. He worked every day including Saturdays and so he spent his Sundays resting. We no longer did our Sunday routines and it hurt. 

    It was our chance to catch up and talk about our week. We’d fill each other in on the people annoying us in our lives and he always gave me advice on what to do and how to do it. Not being able to do that means there was a lot of me my dad no longer knew about. He didn’t know that my dreams had changed and my life was going in a different direction. 

    I’m sorry about that 

    Ada: I was losing my best friend and it felt like there was nothing I could do to get him back. The work he did made him angrier and we fought more. He was always angry. He’d come back home and just start picking on me. If I cooked, there was always something wrong with the food. 

    When I was 17, I remember when I was watching television with them in the house. It was a funny scene and I started to laugh, but then he said I was laughing too loud and should stop. The father I grew up with wouldn’t have done that to me. My mum said he had a stressful day at work and my laughter was disturbing him. 

    I stopped staying in the living room with them and kept to myself. Whenever I knew he was coming home, I’d find an excuse to not sleep in the house because I can’t be apologising for breathing. 

    What’s your relationship like now? 

    Ada: He’s about to retire and now he’s trying to build a relationship with me. He keeps giving me money and buying me expensive things but I don’t really care for it. 

    I don’t see him anymore because we don’t live in the same state. My mum keeps begging me to try to repair the relationship, but I’m tired. Why am I the one that has to do the work of repairing it? He recently apologised to me for hurting my feelings, but he still constantly tries to make me feel like it’s all in my head. It’s not. I’m self conscious about hanging around people because I grew up with a dad that started treating me like a disturbance. The money he’s made from the work won’t change that, and neither will his apologising. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Abortion Was an Eye-Opener

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  • Sunken Ships: My Abortion Was an Eye-Opener

    Sunken Ships: My Abortion Was an Eye-Opener

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Esther* (23) talks us through what she labels the worst relationship of her life so far. He constantly tried to get her to lose weight, got her pregnant and ignored her feelings during the abortion process. 

    How did you meet? 

    Esther: Meeting Osas* was very random. It happened in April 2019 in my department while I was waiting for my class to start. He struck up a conversation with me. He had political ambition in school so he talked to a lot of people to get his name recognised when the elections rolled around. 

    During our conversation, he found out I liked to write and apparently so did he. He wasn’t completely senseless so I wanted to have more conversations with him. At that time, he fit into what I wanted in a partner physically. He was tall, had pink lips and he also dressed very well.

    We had similar interests and he looked good so when he asked, I gave him my number. 

    Did you talk often?

    Esther: Yes we did, and whenever we did, we had really long conversations. He even started coming to see me in the hostel I stayed in on campus. 

    I enjoyed the visits, but sometimes he’d make comments about my weight and how I should try to lose weight. He even offered to take me to the gym once. I found it interesting that he was always talking about my weight but he kept touching me and trying to sleep with me. 

    Eventually, after weeks of coming to my hostel, he asked when I would reciprocate and see him too. He said he wouldn’t come again until I came over and I decided to pay him a visit. 

    How did seeing him go?  

    Esther: My first red flag about how uncaring he is should have been how he treated me. I didn’t feel like a guest. He told me I could take the yoghurt if I wanted and didn’t even try to offer me water. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have left, but I was attracted to him and I enjoyed whatever attention it was he gave to me, so I stayed. 

    He was touching my breasts and kissing me, but I knew it wouldn’t go farther than that because I was 19 and hadn’t sex with anyone before. I didn’t want that time to be my first. 

    But he was 

    Esther: That visit triggered more visits and on the second visit, we had sex. All my friends were having it and I was attracted to him, so I just thought to do it. It was bland and just there because it was my first but with the way sex was discussed all the time, I expected more from it. We started having sex a lot more often and it got better along the line. I was fine with just having sex with him casually, but he kept putting the idea of a relationship in my head. 

    How was he doing that? 

    Esther: He was always talking about how we’d be as a couple, but he was hesitant to ask me out. His excuse was that he didn’t have time because as a politician, he was so busy. Mind you, this boy was 20. I found that excuse extra funny because he had time to have sex with me and call me will that time vanish if we dated? 

    One day in August, after having sex, we had a conversation about our “relationship”. He told me that being in a relationship was entirely up to me and so I guess that’s how we became a thing. 

    What was being with him like? 

    Esther: The relationship is what I would now refer to as toxic. But then I didn’t think of it as that. It was a completely sexual relationship. We barely did anything other than sex. He stayed off campus so I would visit very often and in all of those visits we just kept having sex. No real care for my feelings. He would barely call as per “I’m busy” but when he’s horny he would call. What offended me is that he could have simply told me all he wanted was sex and I most likely would have agreed and then not invest my emotions. 

    All he did in that relationship apart from have sex with me was complain about how fat I was. He complained so badly to me that I started to take slimming pills. That’s one thing I hated so much about the relationship; the way I lost myself. Normally, I’m vocal about things I don’t like but in this case I just found myself accepting everything and making excuses.

    But the relationship ended eventually. 

    Esther: He was even the one that broke up with me. We had been together for just two months and one day after we finished having sex, he broke up with me. The situation really messed with my mind because I kept wondering what was wrong with me. How do you have hot fuck with someone and even before they clean up you tell them you are breaking up? He said he was breaking up with me because he needs to focus on his life. Me that he broke up with while I was writing exams, didn’t I have life to focus on?  

    Did you get back together? 

    Esther: We didn’t, but we still had sex. It was a week or two after we had broken up and I was trying to mend my broken heart and move on when he drove to my hostel one night to see me. He wanted me to go back with him to his place and he cried, begged and pleaded with me to come with him. I felt smitten because he was begging me, but I didn’t realise it was only because he wanted to have sex with me. 

    So we didn’t get back together because he kept insisting he couldn’t handle a relationship. We stuck to being friends with benefits.  This continued till 2020. I don’t know why I decided to stick with someone who had no regard for me as a person. I had not properly moved on from the break up yet I was still with him. It got worse when I got pregnant. 

    Tell me about the pregnancy

    Esther: I found out about the pregnancy in June 2020. I was sleeping so much and had cramps for weeks. I was dizzy, had heavy breasts and hadn’t seen my period in weeks. After googling and finding out those are pregnancy symptoms, I took a test. When I saw the positive test strip, whatever remnants of feelings I had for him evaporated. The idea of being pregnant with his child scared him.

    I knew I couldn’t keep it so it was operation fetus deletus immediately after the test confirmed it. The process was eye opening because it made me clearly see that this man didn’t give a shit about me. 

    How did he treat you? 

    Esther: Well for one, on our way to the hospital he agreed to be with me but the moment we got there he changed mouth and said if we went together, the doctor would overcharge. It didn’t seem logical to me, but I agreed to talk to the doctor alone. He’s the kind of person who always thinks in “what ifs”. So he was trying to prevent a situation where a doctor will know he assisted a girl to get an abortion. There’s a level of consciousness he has that has always baffled me. He doesn’t even like tweets of people insulting banks or network providers because he believes he might need a job from them one day or that it might stand in the way of his political ambition. 

    The meeting with the doctor was only stressful because Osas was downstairs and every time I had to pay for something, I had to go downstairs to collect money from him. Even after the surgery and I was dizzy from the medication they gave to me, he was downstairs. At no point did he try to offer me physical or emotional support. 

    When I got home that day, he didn’t even call me to ask about me. The lack of care I got during the whole process was eye-opening. It was when I realised he didn’t even like me because if he did, he would not have treated me that way. 

    Was that the last time you spoke to him? 

    Esther: No, it wasn’t. We had sex again in December 2020. I went to his house to see him because he called and asked for it. I was hoping for a conversation where I could finally confront him about his behaviour, but sex happened instead. It wasn’t as great as it used to be and I think it’s because I got tired of him. 

    Do you think you can ever work out? 

    Esther: I know we can’t. I’ve moved on from him and how he made me feel. When I was with him  I was self-conscious about my body and self, he didn’t care for me how I’d liked, and I sometimes felt used. Nothing can take me back to him again.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He Kept Trying to Have Sex With Me

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  • Sunken Ships: He Kept Trying to Have Sex With Me

    Sunken Ships: He Kept Trying to Have Sex With Me

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Sarah* (23) and Timi* (24), moved from “friends of friends” to “close friends” because of their shared love for anime. But after his attempts to have sex with her didn’t work, their friendship crumbled. 

    Let’s start from the beginning

    Sarah: Timi and I started off as friends of friends. We knew the same people and would occasionally see each other at events. Our interactions were “hello” and “hi” until March 2021, the day I met him at a friend’s place. I walked into them having an anime argument and joined in. 

    Then they started talking about an anime I didn’t have. Timi offered to send it to me with his hard drive. Shey if I had known what would happen between us, I’d have found another way to watch the anime? 

    What happened? 

    Sarah: He collected my number and later that week, called to ask if he could bring the drive over. It was a Saturday. The only reason I agreed was because I needed something to spend my weekend doing. 

    After he shared the anime with me, he started asking for updates on how it turned out and my conclusion on the earlier argument.

    That’s how we got close. From ranting about anime to talking about non anime things, we became friends on our own. 

    What was the friendship like? 

    Sarah: It was pretty great. He was always there for me. I remember when he came to sit with me in my house because I had cramps and was scared of being alone. We read together, attended parties and were involved in each other’s lives. His younger sister and I kept in touch quite often. 

    We got so close in the span of four months people started making wedding and marriage jokes. It annoyed me whenever they did, but Timi always laughed and told me not to worry about it.

    He became my best friend and the marriage jokes continued. I wasn’t surprised they thought like that. He was in my house a lot. Sometimes, when people come to visit him, I’m in his house half-naked. I cook for him and bring to his house. We go out together to watch movies or beach dates. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I didn’t want to date him. 

    He didn’t fit the bill for what I wanted out of my life. I love him to death but he can be a bit irresponsible. Plus, he’s the kind of person who’s a great friend but a terrible boyfriend, and it’s caused a couple of fights between us. I didn’t want to put myself through that. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

    So when did you start having problems as friends? 

    Sarah: The first time he tried to kiss me. It was during a house party in February [2022] and he was drunk. Luckily for him, I decided I wouldn’t drink a lot, so I kept watching over him. At one point, I lost him when he said he was going to pee. When he finally resurfaced, he grabbed my face and said he missed me then he tried to kiss me. Since I was sober, I could dodge the kiss. He had a mini tantrum, talking about how he’s been wanting to have sex with me for a while now and I keep fucking everyone but him. 

    I was shocked because I barely had sex with anyone. I chalked it up to drunk hysterics and got us home. The next morning, he didn’t act like anything happened, so I dropped it. 

    The next time he tried something like that was two weeks later. I was cooking stew and he came behind me in the kitchen and started kissing my neck. I could feel his erection through his trousers. I felt weird so I pushed him off me with the excuse that I needed to use the bathroom. 

    Did you ever confront him about it? 

    Sarah: Not until the time he actually made a proper move on me in May. We were in the house together, drinking and watching a romantic movie like we do once in a while when he started rubbing my thigh. He was telling me how much he could treat me better than the men in my life, that’s why it was unfair I was sleeping with people who made me cry when he was right there. I told him to stop, but he didn’t remove his hand. 

    He kept trying to make me “see his side” — that he’s been here doing all of these things for me, why don’t I want to give him a chance? I told him I didn’t see him that way and he got angry. He shouted at me and that I didn’t deserve good things and stormed off. 

    Wow

    Sarah: Na real wow o. I called him the next day to find out what was going on, but he didn’t pick my calls. I went to his house but he didn’t open the door for me. I was heartbroken because someone I thought was my friend was only around because he wanted to sleep with me? Did all the time we spent together mean nothing to him? I was heartbroken for months. My friends really rallied around me and helped me return all his property.

    Did he ever try reaching out? 

    Sarah: Yes, he did. He texted to say he was sorry in September, but my best friend replied and told him to shove the apology up his smelling yansh. That made me laugh. He should go to hell. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

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  • Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

    Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

    Folake* and Seun* (both 25)  became fast friends after meeting at a party a year ago. Their lives revolved around having a fun time and elevating the other person’s stress, but money problems ended all that. 

    How do you become friends with someone you meet at a party? 

    Folake: The party happened in October 2019. I was there because I needed to have a fun time and life was stressful. However, for most of the party, I noticed she stood alone and looked uncomfortable. When I asked her what was wrong, she explained that she had followed her roommate, who had ditched her for a boy. I felt bad for her, so I stood there with her and tried to cheer her up. We danced, took shots, and eventually exchanged numbers. When she wanted to leave, I ordered her a ride and she texted me when she got home. 

    The following week, we met at another party and this time, I was the one who didn’t know anyone there. We had a good time together and I realised maybe we could build some sort of friendship. The next day, when I woke up with the most irritating hangover, there was already a text from her saying how much she likes partying with me and that she knows spending time with me will be fun. I thought it was fate. 

    Did you both get to hang out? 

    Folake: We did and it was the most fun I had. I met her at a point in my life when I needed new friends. Making friends as an adult is scary and I didn’t know how to do it. Most people have their cliques that have existed for years. Some of them are the ones you don’t even fit into because they’re of a different social class than you are. 

    I was down in the dumps and life wasn’t going so well. Seun seemed like the answer to my prayers. Once-a-week catch-ups became mandatory for us. There’ll be good food, alcohol and lots of gossip. We became really fast friends. 

    There was no event we attended alone. If Seun wasn’t going to be there, I wouldn’t be there and vice versa. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

    When did the problems start?

    Folake: In 2020, when the pandemic happened. They’d just announced a lockdown and companies were moving different. Seun’s job slashed her already rubbish salary in half. One minute she was paying for our brunch dates and the next, she could barely afford her rent. 

    It was a tough time for her and I noticed how much her behaviour changed. She wasn’t as lively or bubbly as she used to be. She was always tired because she had to pick up extra jobs. I tried my best to be there for her as much as possible. We couldn’t eat out because of the pandemic, but I’d sometimes get her food from the places she liked. Occasional gift deliveries to remind her that I care and love her. 

    I could afford to do all of this because I had a bit more money than she did. I always believed that in situations where one person had a more significant advantage, it is normal for that person to help and do more. It’s a rule I applied to all my friendships and romantic relationships. All of these things I mentioned are what set the tone for the actual problem.

    What was the problem? 

    Folake: I started sending her money. ₦20k and ₦50k there. It wasn’t going to do much, but at least it was something she could manage. I’ll occasionally send her money to fuel her car or get some groceries. She never asked and I just did because I could, but then entitlement set in.

    She started calling and demanding money. At first, it was small things like her card declined and she needed ₦5k to pay for something she bought, to asking me for money for her router because her bank app wasn’t working. Initially, the requests were so small I wasn’t bothered then the demands started getting more ridiculous. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Couldn’t Keep Up With Her Lifestyle

    Like what? 

    Folake: She once asked me for money for her rent. Rent she’s paying almost ₦2,000,000? How did she want me to do it? Where did she want me to see the money? Am I a thief? 

    Before then, it had been things like buying a new wig or changing her phone. She then graduated from that to asking me to borrow her money. I don’t like to borrow people money because they hardly ever pay me back, but I borrowed her anyways. Till today, I haven’t gotten a single kobo back. 

    So there’s the random money I’d send her, buying her expensive things and still borrowing her money she never paid me back. lt felt like I was going destitute. I am the last born so I never had siblings to send money to. There’s nobody I take care of except my parents and myself, but there she was. I started avoiding picking her calls because I knew she’d bill me. 

    That sounds like a lot for you

    Folake: It was. Especially when I told her no. She’d give me the silent treatment for days and start shading me on social media. Things like how people aren’t there for you on your bad days. I’d feel so bad. I’d give her what she asked for. 

    How long did this go on for?

    Folake: She got the slashed salary in July 2020. I remember sending her money till February of 2021. So, seven to eight months of her attitude. All the other friends I had told me to cut her off, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It felt like I was abandoning her at the time she needed it the most. 

    But you did eventually 

    Folake: I was scrolling through Twitter one day in March and I saw her reply to someone’s post about her getting a promotion and taking them out to dinner. I was so confused because she didn’t mention it to me. It was even more confusing when a couple of days after I saw the post, she called me to ask me for money to add to her grocery shopping money. Someone that was supposedly taking other people to dinner at this overpriced Lagos restaurants? That’s when I realised I’d been played. 

    I blocked her everywhere and cried myself to sleep. I thought of all the times I had sent her job opportunities and money, tried to be there for her when she was sad, never tried to make her feel less than because she couldn’t afford certain things. With all the kindness I tried to show to her, this was how I was repaid? 

    Did you talk to her about it? 

    Folake: No. I don’t want to hear whatever explanation she wants to give. She had so many chances to explain herself over the years but she didn’t. If you rate someone enough to constantly use them for emotional and financial labour, when things get better for you, they should at least be aware. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Became Monogamous for Him

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  • Sunken Ships: I Became Monogamous for Him

    Sunken Ships: I Became Monogamous for Him

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Abike* moved from having Kunle* as a random mutual on Twitter to dating him even though he was monogamous and she wasn’t. In this episode of Sunken Ships, she tells us how his attempt to cheat after convincing her to be monogamous made her break up with him and his disrespectful jokes prevented them from remaining friends.  

    Tell me how this ship started

    Abike: We met on Twitter. We’d been following each other for a couple of years before our first DM. Then we occasionally interacted, but nothing serious. 

    Sometime in April 2020, he tweeted that he’d delete his account if nobody texted him. Because of COVID and the lockdown, I was bored, so I texted him. If I could take it back, I would. 

    How did the relationship progress? 

    Abike: We were talking almost if not every day. He was very upfront about wanting a romantic relationship, but that wasn’t something I wanted. For one, I didn’t think I had it in me to get into one with anyone. The idea of committing to one person was stressing me out. We also lived in different states, and I didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship. Plus, we’d just started talking when he brought up dating. I can’t date someone I barely know. 

    But you eventually liked him?

    Abike: A couple of weeks after we started talking, I realised I’d fallen in love with him. He seemed genuine, and I never stood a chance. But he was always “joking” about how I’d leave him for someone else. I’m polyamorous; I’ve always liked multiple people at a time. Still, I didn’t understand why he thought I’d leave him for someone else. How can I leave you when we’re not together? 

    That’s why a month before we started dating, we stopped talking. He said it was because we wanted different things from each other, but I didn’t want to stop talking to him. The next day, he apologised and we got back to talking.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Friends Before We Dated

    All this while not dating? 

    Abike: Yes. We didn’t start dating until May 2021. We were finally in the same state, so I decided to visit him. After hanging out with him, I decided I wanted to try the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. One day, I told him, “You’re my boyfriend now,” and that’s how it began. 

    Along the line of our talking stage, I’d already blurted out I was in love with him, so it’s not like the feelings weren’t there. It’s just that it was weird. We’d stopped talking four times during the “talking stage”, all for variations of the same problem — he thought I’d leave him for someone else. 

    Did he know you were poly? 

    Abike: He did. Although before we started dating, when I told him I was also in love with someone else, he lied to my friends that he didn’t know I was polyamorous. They, of course, were not buying it because they themselves had told him. 

    But you dated anyways? 

    Abike: Yes, we did. He was a lovely person even before we started dating. To congratulate me when I got my internship in February 2021, he sent me a box with some of my favourite things from a bakeshop.

    Dating him was good when it was good. He’d make me playlists and randomly send me cute emails. One time, he even wrote a story for me just because. He’d set reminders because my memory was terrible, and he was so supportive. He wasn’t all bad I think that’s why I kept making excuses for his bad behaviour. 

    Bad behaviour? 

    Abike: The “jokes” about me leaving him. They were exhausting because I didn’t give him any reason to think I’d abandon him. He wanted me to be monogamous, so I was. One week after we started dating, he even accused me of wanting to cheating on him with one of my male friends. It gets tiring constantly having to defend yourself for a crime you didn’t commit. Whenever he made those accusations, he always talked about how cheating was such an unforgivable offence. Maybe that’s why I was shocked when it turned out he was the one who tried to cheat on me.

    What do you mean “tried to”? 

    Abike: We had two mutual friends. One day in June 2021, one of them called to tell me my boyfriend wanted her to come over and suck his dick. He said a lot of suggestive things to her, and she led him on to see how far he was willing to take it. The answer was very far. He kept trying to convince her she should come over to do it. It was so shocking because why would he even entertain the thought? 

    When I mentioned to him that she’d told me, he called so many times to explain that he only did it because he wasn’t sober. And because I’m a very foolish babe, we got back together a week or two later. I want to blame love, but omo. 

    Since you’re here, it clearly didn’t work out

    Abike: No, it didn’t. We took a break in October of 2021. I usually don’t entertain the idea of a break because it just means a breakup, but I needed one. I’d started a new school, there was work, and I was getting used to my antidepressants. I needed to rest. When he brought up taking a break, I took it. It’s funny how I could never have told him I needed a break because I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him again. 

    A week after the break, he said we should break up, that he didn’t think he could make me happy because he was sick and angry all the time. I wasn’t unhappy, but that’s how we ended things.  

    After the breakup, I started thinking about the first time we broke up. What if my friend had never told me he wanted to have sex with her? Would he have come clean? What if she’d decided to go to his house, would he have slept with her? I couldn’t deal. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    That seems so stressful 

    Abike: It was, but I still wanted to be friends with him because I cared. When we tried the friend thing, we stopped talking at least three times for different reasons. In January 2022, we were supposed to hang out, but the night before, he said he was no longer interested because I liked someone else, and I should focus on my new person. 

    When my birthday was approaching in April 2022, he asked me if he could get me a gift, and I refused. That’s when he said, “It’s a birthday gift, not an engagement ring”, trying to play it off as a joke. At that point, our relationship was already weird. Why was he trying to make me the bad guy for refusing a gift from an ex I was in a weird space with? 

    Was that the last time you spoke to him? 

    Abike: The third time we stopped being friends was in October 2022. He mentioned something about wishing I was still in love with him, and I lost my shit. He tried to play it off as a joke, but I was annoyed. I was in love with him, he disrespected me. Now, I’m currently in another relationship. Why is he doing anyhow? That’s when I realised I didn’t have any grace left for him. So we stopped being friends. I told him off on the joke and stopped talking to him. Hopefully, this time, it’s for good.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust?

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  • Sunken Ships: I Feel So Guilty Now That My Dad Is Dead

    Sunken Ships: I Feel So Guilty Now That My Dad Is Dead

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Aminat (21) grew up with a dad who adored her, but things quickly changed when he lost his job. In this week’s Sunken Ships, she talks to us about the decline of their relationship and how she bears so much guilt for the state of their relationship when he died. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    Tell me about your relationship with your dad growing up

    Aminat: My dad and I looked alike a lot. Add the fact that I was also the first child of four, I was my dad’s princess, and he adored me. He worked at Shell and travelled a lot, so I’d see him once every three months. But the time we’d spend together was so good, I’ll use it to console myself till the next time he came home. Whenever he’d come around, he’d bring toys and snacks for me from his trip and was always ready to teach me stuff. I don’t like to talk about it, but I can take apart anything electrical with the right set of tools. He was a mechanical engineer who went into electrical engineering, so he knew how a lot of things worked. 

    My dad is the reason I’m currently a writer. The first time I wrote something as a child, he decided I would get published. He started making calls and told me if I finished anything, I should bring it to him. I never finished that book. He taught me a lot of things — how to unscrew a socket, the quadratic formula and how much trust to give to men — but the most important is to be self-aware, because he wasn’t.

    When did things start getting bad? 

    Aminat: A lot of things happened to ruin our relationship, but it all started when he decided to quit his job at Shell and go out on his own as a contractor. He got a contract with the Kwara state government, so I went from seeing him once in three months to once in six. He was in Abuja while the rest of the family was in Lagos, so he wasn’t around for any of the important events of my childhood — my primary school graduation, when I got into secondary school, none of that. Throughout JSS 1 and 2, I never saw my dad. 

    As if that wasn’t bad enough, one day when I was 12, my mum told me we were moving to Abuja. I almost ran mad. I grew up in Lagos and had lived there all my life. How could they just uproot me from everything I’d ever known, to a state so far from everyone I’d known? I was livid. Apparently, he’d gotten another contract in Abuja and wanted us to be together as a family — he’d come home one day and our last born called him “uncle” instead of daddy. After twelve years, he wanted to do family man. I was annoyed. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father For Now

    How was moving to Abuja like? 

    Aminat: Horrible. I was watching our whole family dynamic scatter before my very eyes. 

    Scatter how? 

    Aminat: First of all, when I was 13 years old, he decided he wanted to be a dutiful Muslim. Shey it’s supposed to be a personal journey? But no, he roped us all into his mess. He started harping on praying five times a day and even transferred my siblings and I to Islamic schools. 

    Were you Muslims before? 

    Aminat: We were, but the calm ones. My mum was raised Christian and only converted because she married my dad, so she was lax with it. The new lifestyle was very different for me. He even banned music in the house. Me that grew up listening to Brandy, Celine Dion and Westlife? I couldn’t take it. I’d use my mum’s phone to go on YouTube and when he wasn’t around, I’d watch MTV on television. It was hard because between him and Islamic school, I felt guilty listening to music, but I loved it too much to care. 

    So sorry about that 

    Aminat: It’s okay. It’s funny because that same year, we found out Mr “best in religion” was spending money on a woman in Abuja all the while my mother was being a good wife in Lagos. 

    Ah. How did your mum react? 

    Aminat: She was livid. I don’t know how she found the woman’s name, but she made me search for her on Facebook and stole her number from my dad’s phone. While all this was going on, she didn’t once give my dad the impression that she knew. 

    Three days after she found out, she called the woman and shouted at her. The woman kept trying to justify it that, as a Muslim, my dad could marry four wives. My mother told the woman she’d kill her if she comes near her or her children. That was the last I heard about that woman.

    Did your dad find out about the call? 

    Aminat: When he came back from work that day, he asked for his food. My mum told him she doesn’t give food to cheats. Once she said that, I ushered all my siblings to their rooms. Thank God I did because my mother started to shout soon after: “I was trying to be a good person in Lagos, but look at you. Abi you think I didn’t have opportunities to cheat? Don’t you have self-control? If you want to marry, marry, but don’t expect me to sit here and take you disrespecting me.” I can never forget the sound of the slap my mother gave him after her speech. 

    That night, my dad didn’t sleep in the house, and the next day, his family members came to beg my mother. It was a whole thing because, in Abuja, we lived in an estate, so our neighbours could hear all the commotion. People kept telling her to think of the children, but she said he should’ve thought of them too before he cheated. 

    Did she leave? 

    Aminat: No, she didn’t. Initially, she acted like she would, but then, my dad fell sick, and she stayed to take care of him. He was in the hospital for two weeks before they took him to the village for a month. During this time, someone on his team stole his contract. He got frustrated and took it out on us, me most especially. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Mother Never Loved Me

    Why you? 

    Aminat: Well, because we didn’t have money, I couldn’t go to school for two years. I was a teenager full of angst stuck with a man full of anger. I’d talk back at him, and he’d beat me, sometimes, till I bled. I was thinking of killing myself at this time, so after he’d hit me for doing something, I’d do something worse. In my mind, if I couldn’t kill myself, maybe he could. Gone was the man who took me out to Shoprite so we could spend time together. 

    I’m so sorry. Did it ever get better? 

    Aminat: Not at all. For the longest time, I thought it was my fault for not being the perfect daughter he wanted, but after a lot of thinking and therapy, I realised it wasn’t me. I was a child and he was the adult. He should have known better than to punish me for things that weren’t my fault. My dad wasn’t a very good father. That’s why when he fell sick again in 2021, I wasn’t really bothered. 

    What was wrong with him? 

    Aminat: He had liver problems, but for a while, instead of going to the hospital, he’d stay at home drinking agbo. 

    I was in school when he was admitted in a hospital, and my family kept the severity of his sickness from me. I forgot they lie a lot. He died a couple of weeks after, and they didn’t tell me. 

    How did you find out? 

    Aminat: I was scrolling through WhatsApp statuses when I saw a picture of my dad. The post said, “May heaven be your abode”, and I wanted to go crazy. When I texted my uncle who’d posted it on his status, he kept telling me things like I should take it easy and be calm, God knows best. I thought he was lying, so I called my mum. When she didn’t pick my calls, it clicked. Since my dad was a Muslim, she was already preparing for his burial. 

    Why did they keep it from you? 

    Aminat: My mum didn’t want it to disturb my education. I couldn’t even attend his burial because I was writing exams. 

    I’m so sorry

    Aminat: It’s been a year since he died and it doesn’t really feel real a lot of times. I feel bad for not going to visit him in the hospital before he died. I didn’t see him for up to six months before he died, and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that. 

    In addition to this guilt, I carry around so much sadness. As much as he was terrible to me as a teenager, he was an amazing dad when I was a child. So when I mourn him, I mourn that version of him. But with all the inner healing I’m trying to do, I’m actively working to not be like him.

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: My Bestfriend Lied About His Move Abroad

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Bestfriend Lied about His Move Abroad

    Sunken Ships: My Bestfriend Lied about His Move Abroad

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this Sunken Ships is Sarah* (28), who woke up one morning to find out her best friend was no longer in the country. 

    Tell me about how you met

    Sarah: I met Kunle* in church when we were 12. It was his first time in the church, but I’d been going there since I was in my mum’s womb. I think that’s why the children’s church teacher chose me to welcome him to church. We spent a lot of time together that day. 

    We talked about ourselves, our families, and our life plans. Because they were new, his parents stayed back after the church service for prayers and all. My parents never left on time, so I was grateful to have his company. I think I knew at that moment that we’d be great friends.

    So you only saw on Sundays? 

    Sarah: Yes, we did. I didn’t have a phone then and neither did I. Plus, he’s a guy. My parents would not have been okay with me going to see him. So it was Sunday or nothing. It wasn’t enough time, but we tried to compensate for it. From the moment we see each other at the beginning of service, we’re together whispering about how our schools were, what we watched and what happened in our various houses. At one point, the teacher tried to separate us, but we always found our way back together. 

    This was our routine for the next three years I stayed in that church. When I was 15, my dad got a job in a new state, so we had to move. The week before we did, we went to church for prayers and anointing. After the service, I spoke to Kunle. I cried a lot because he made church service so much better. We promised that once we got phones, we’d keep in touch. 

    When was the next time you saw him? 

    Sarah: University. One day, while I was walking around my faculty, I saw someone that looked exactly like him. I hadn’t thought about him seriously for a couple of months after I moved. I shouted his name and lo and behold; he turned around. 

    We spent the rest of that day reconnecting. I was entering university, but he was already in his second year. He took me out to eat and we spent the entire afternoon catching up on what our lives had been like. We also exchanged numbers. 

    Meeting up at that spot became our thing. We’d meet there every afternoon after classes and since we both stayed on campus, we’d take walks in the evening. We did everything we could together, and sometimes when we dated other people, they found our friendship a problem. We were that close. 

    He graduated a year before me, but we still kept in touch. When I moved back to Lagos and was looking for a place to live, he linked me up with his agent and even gave me some money for my first year’s rent. It was essential for both of us to constantly show up for each other. We did gifts, friend dates and occasional chores. He’d pay for my house to get cleaned, and I’d take his car to the car wash. It was just our way of reminding each other we were there. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust?

    Did you notice any changes before he left? 

    Sarah: Yes. He started keeping more distance and working even harder. Kunle worked hard, but this time he was moving with a vengeance. He was barely eating and sleeping because of all the work he was doing. I’d send him meals because he’d forget to eat, and I’d even have to do his laundry. I was worried about him, and when I brought it up, he’d say the economy was hard and he wanted to be prepared. 

    Did you believe it? 

    Sarah: Not at all. I felt he was hiding something from me because he stopped telling me his plans for the day. I’d ask a question about where he went, and he’d try to manoeuvre around it. 

    What made me realise something was wrong was when he started selling off things. It started with clothes he said he no longer wanted, then appliances he didn’t use as often, like his toaster and microwave. 

    I even bought his iron because mine stopped working. When I asked why he was selling, he said the things were not so helpful, and he wanted to use the money for something useful. 

    He never even hinted at it? 

    Sarah: A week till he left the country, I was making plans with him. He told me we’d see Black Panther together when it came out. He knew he was going and chose not to tell me anything about it. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Lost My Best Friend and I Blame Nigeria

    How did you find out he had travelled? 

    Sarah: I don’t know if he did it on purpose, but his trip coincided with a work trip I had. I was in Abuja for two weeks. I couldn’t see him physically. We had video calls and texted. When I asked why his location looked different, he said he went to an Airbnb because the light in his area was terrible. 

    A week into my stay in Abuja, I saw his sister post a picture of him in a place that wasn’t Nigeria. When I replied to ask her if it was a recent picture, she told me it wasn’t. So I texted him. I think that’s when all the behaviour he’d displayed started making sense. 

    He told me he didn’t tell me because his mother’s pastor told him not to tell anyone about the trip, that evil people would stop it. 

    I couldn’t believe my ears. Kunle was hardly a religious guy, so to hear him say things and do things like this? I was confused. 

    I haven’t even had the chance to deal with the fact that my best friend is no longer in the country because I can’t stop thinking he lied to me repeatedly. 

    I’m so sorry. Do you think you’d ever forgive him? 

    Sarah: No. I don’t pick up his calls or reply his emails. Since I’m evil, he should stay away from me.

    More stories about ended relationships: Sunken Ships: My Mother Never Loved Me

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Mother Never Loved Me

    Sunken Ships: My Mother Never Loved Me

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships, Chris* (23), tells us about his relationship with his mother. How she never wanted him to be born nor showed any emotional affection towards him and what it’s like watching her start a new life without him

    Tell me about your earlier memories of your mum 

    Chris: For as long as I can remember, my mum never wanted me. She got pregnant by a man she didn’t know had a wife and child in another country. When she found out, she was devastated. I think she carried all of that resentment and hatred to me. 

    She worked in a bank and was very busy so various nannies raised me. My mum would have left before I woke up and would come back by the time I’d gone to sleep. I remember not seeing her for a whole month. It’s not like she travelled. We lived in the same house, but during weekends and holidays, she’d stay in her room and I’d stay in mine. That was my normal. 

    When did you realise it wasn’t normal? 

    Chris: School. In primary school, I interacted with other children that actually spent time with their mothers. One of my classmates even said that when he’s ill, he goes to his parents’ room and lays on their bed because it makes him feel much better. I had never been allowed to stay in my mother’s room without her permission, talk less of laying on her bed. I was in awe. 

    When I was 9 years old and a bit under the weather, I crept into her room while she was at work and slept on her bed. I just wanted to see what it was like. When she came back, she beat me so hard she removed a milk tooth. She told me never to try that again, and I didn’t. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father for Now

    I’m so sorry 

    Chris: My mother was never emotionally present, and her room felt like the only space in the house where she could forget I existed. Seeing me there must have spoilt that. 

    When she sent me to boarding school when I was 11 years old, it was the happiest she’d been. She never came for my visiting days or PTA meetings. I made a friend whose parents basically adopted me as their own. They tried to make me feel less alone and I appreciated it. 

    I wish my mum were more involved, but I realised she needed to provide for us. I just wish she showed me a bit more emotion. Do you know she only told me she loved me once? 

    Can you explain? 

    Chris: I was 18 years old and had just graduated from secondary school. When the ceremony was over, she hugged me and told me she was proud of me and loved me. She’d never mentioned it again since then. 

    Do you love her? 

    Chris: I do. The older I got, the more I realised that she’d never love me, but it didn’t stop me from loving her. Now I love her out of fear and I no longer try to do things to please her. If I have to decide between something that’ll make me happy or something that’ll make her happy, I’ll choose myself. 

    She never failed to remind me that the only reason she worked so hard to provide me with all the chances life has to offer was so nobody could ever use it to insult her. She provided and cared for me, so asking for love was too much. I got the memo, but I wish it didn’t take so long. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    How did her words make you feel? 

    Chris: It made me aware of my place in her life. As I said, my love for her changed the more she told me those things. I also felt bad for her. Imagine having this much hate in your heart for someone who never did you anything wrong. It must be difficult. 

    What’s your relationship with her like now? 

    Chris: I moved out of her house in 2020. So, we hardly see each other. She also remarried in 2021 and I had no idea till the wedding day. 

    How come you didn’t know? 

    Chris:  She never bothered to reach out to me except she needed something, and she didn’t feel like including me in her new life. The only reason I knew about the wedding was that I saw it on her WhatsApp status. I knew she was dating the guy, but I didn’t know anything else. 

    God abeg. I’m so sorry.

    Chris: It’s okay. I’m pretty happy with where I am now. She’s making a conscious effort to have a child with this new man she married and I hope it works out. Maybe she’d treat this one differently than me. At least she’d finally have a child she wanted. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Homophobia Made Us Go From Best Friends to Strangers

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: Homophobia Made Us Go From Best Friends to Strangers

    Sunken Ships: Homophobia Made Us Go From Best Friends to Strangers

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is Arike* (26), who tells us how her mum was her best friend until she came out to her as bisexual. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    Tell me about your mum

    Arike: When I was three years old, my dad died. It was just my mum, my two older brothers and I from the moment he passed. And they were hit harder than I was. I barely knew the man and was too young to understand the loss. 

    My mum tried so hard to compensate for my dad’s death. She worked so hard to put the three of us through school, and she still put in the effort to be there for us emotionally. She came for every PTA meeting, open day, visiting day, Christmas carol, etc. She always found a way to just be there for us. 

    The older we got, the fewer responsibilities she had to bear alone. She relaxed a bit when my brothers grew older and started caring for themselves and me. 

    Whenever people told my mum to remarry, she would say it wasn’t something she was interested in. She told them we had a system and adding someone to our lives meant we’d disrupt this system we spent so much time perfecting. 

    What was the system like?  

    Arike: If anything was wrong with the home’s generator, fridge, television or any other electrical appliance, my oldest brother handled it. He had a knack for separating things and trying to put them together again. 

    My second brother handled the cleanup. He’s very tidy and obsessed over which cleaning products to use for which part of the house. He took great pride in having the place spotless. 

    My mum and I handled feeding. She’d started teaching us all how to cook by the time we turned eight, but my two brothers were disasters in the kitchen. That’s how my mum and I became very close. We’d spend time cooking and just talking. About each other’s day, school and life. 

    Our bond grew with each meal we made, and when it was time for me to go to secondary school at 11, I didn’t want to leave her. After my first year, I begged her to remove me from the boarding house and make me a day student. The thought of her spending so much time alone because all her children were in school? I didn’t like it. I think she didn’t like it too because she agreed without fighting. 

    Was it only cooking you bonded over? 

    Arike: No. When  I was the only child at home, we did everything together. I basically moved into her room because I thought actively living in two different rooms gave me more places to clean. 

    We’d run errands, watch movies and go to the spa. All my mum’s friends called me her handbag because she never went anywhere without me. We’d even go on international trips together. She was my best friend, and I was grateful to have her in my life. She was there for all my significant milestones, from my first period to my first heartbreak. There was nothing about myself I couldn’t tell my mum, but all that changed. 

    Why did it change? 

    Arike: Valentine’s Day of 2011. I was 14 and was waiting around school with a friend who was a day student as well. School had closed, but we stayed back in class to finish some assignments. 

    After a while, we gave up on the assignments and started talking. That’s when she gave me a note for Valentine’s Day. I always knew I treated her differently than I did a lot of people, but I thought it was because we were very close friends. 

    After I read the note, we hugged. Then she kissed me. I was shocked, and my initial reaction was to pull away, but then, I relaxed a bit and actually liked it. From then on, something changed in how I spoke to my mum. I started keeping secrets from her. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father for Now

    Why secrets? 

    Arike: After that kiss, I kissed many more girls, either at parties or in empty classrooms. I liked it a lot. I knew I’d always want to do it, but I wasn’t sure how to define myself. I still liked men, but I wasn’t sure how my realised attraction to women fit in. 

    I liked to read, so I Googled a lot of questions like, “Is it possible to like men and women?” That’s when I figured out bisexuality. 

    I couldn’t tell anyone. As much as I liked kissing girls, I also realised it wasn’t something society encouraged. I remember church services in which they’d preach against homosexuality and my mum’s comments about queer Western couples we saw in the media. I’d heard stories of how being queer had scattered families, and I didn’t want to lose my mum’s love and friendship. 

    But you eventually told her?

    Arike: Yeah, I did somewhat recently. My brothers had found out about it. They followed me on social media and saw some of my comments and posts, so they asked me one day if I was gay. I told them I’m bisexual and they took it pretty well. They asked if I would tell our mother, but I said I was looking for the right time. 

    That time came when I visited my mum for a couple of days. I had moved out when I was 23 and occasionally came to spend time with her when I could tell she was missing me. 

    The night before I left on that particular visit, I stayed in her room like I used to and told her I had something to say. I told her about my first kiss with a woman, liking women and how I’ve even dated some in the past. 

    She listened to me without saying a word, and although it made me scared to talk about it, I had to. I knew it’d significantly reduce my anxiety, so I powered through. When I was done, she said she was going to bed. I went back to my room and slept too. 

    The following day, she didn’t leave her room. I don’t know what she was doing inside, but I knew she wouldn’t come out until after I left. I won’t lie; it hurt — a lot.

    I considered my mum my closest confidant, but she couldn’t even look at me when I told her I was bisexual. It took a month before we spoke again. She told me being bisexual meant men were still an option and I should choose it. That’s when it dawned on me that she wouldn’t get it. I couldn’t decide who I would fall in love with, and if she couldn’t accept that, then we’d have problems. 

    What was the worst part of not being able to talk to her? 

    Arike: The fact that I couldn’t tell her anything anymore. I couldn’t tell her about my girlfriend or all the new queer friends I’d made. I couldn’t tell her about funny relationship drama or when I got my heart broken. I couldn’t go to her house and have her make me amala and ewedu while we gist in the kitchen.

    However, I still tried to keep her up to date with my life. I’d send her gifts like I usually do, texts about what’s going on in my life and why. She hardly ever replied, and if she did, it was with an emoji or “ok”. My mum has always been chatty, so it wasn’t because she didn’t know what to say.

    Did she ever come around? 

    Arike: Yes, she did. My brothers were talking to her. They asked if she would choose homophobia over speaking to her only daughter again. I think that made her realise if she continued ignoring me because of my sexuality, I’d stop making an effort too. I was already reducing my texts and gifts. Slowly, I was removing myself from her life. 

    Now, she’s making baby steps. She still occasionally prays for me to find a good husband, but when my girlfriend and I broke up, I told her about it. She listened and sent me some cookies she baked to cheer me up. 

    I know she’s trying her best, but our old relationship is gone, and I don’t think it’ll ever come back.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust?

    Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust?

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Halimat* and Aisha* (both 21) live in the same estate, are from the same state and once shared the same interests. So they were bound to be friends. But after four years, distance strained the relationship and an act of mistrust caused it to end. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    How did you meet? 

    Halimat: My aunt had a shop in the estate where I lived. I occasionally helped her out, and it allowed me to meet a lot of people in the estate. Aisha was one of them. She was my age, and we were from the same state, so we kind of gravitated towards each other. We eventually got pretty close.

    How close and why?

    Halimat: Apart from the age and state thing, we had other things in common. We both went to Islamic schools, and our love for American music and YA novels made us outcasts there. Plus, we lived two minutes apart. We were able to see each other whenever we wanted. 

    We’d run errands together, listen to our favourite songs and talk about books. It was nice to have someone to share these things with since most of the other girls my age didn’t want to talk about things like that. There was a time we trekked the whole estate together because we were bored. I loved us doing silly things like that, and she felt like a sister. 

    That sounds great, but you’re here so something must have happened

    Halimat: When it was time for us to enter universities, I got admission, but she didn’t. So I had to travel for school while she stayed back at home to do her A levels. One of my biggest flaws is once I can’t see you, I don’t care about you. Out of sight, out of mind.

    She was also really busy with her A levels and the first year of university, studying Biology, was after my life. It was a new environment with very stressful courses. Whatever time I wasn’t using to study and attend classes, I was trying to rest. 

    The few times we did have a conversation, it was confusing. She’d reference people she met during her A levels, and I’d talk about people in school; we were out of the loop in each other’s lives. We went from seeing each other every day to barely speaking at all.

    When ASUU went on strike, I thought that would remedy the situation, and I’d get my friend back.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Lost My Best Friend and I Blame Nigeria

    Why didn’t it?

    Halimat: The first problem was I’d become a lot less lax with Islam. I stopped covering my hair and was very vocal about never doing that again. She, on the other hand, was still very modest. We still had the same interests so I could let some of her comments about me not covering my hair slide. 

    When I got back home, she came to my house, and we spent some time in the living room catching up. I told her about all the things that happened that session, and I included travelling to another state to see my friend. To put things into perspective, the trip cost me ₦1k, and I did it because there was a writing workshop in that state and my friend offered to house me. 

    When I told Aisha this, she blew up in my face, shouting at me for being careless and things like that. I was so confused because she was the same girl who travelled to see her boyfriend. What gave her the authority to speak to me in that manner? But I brushed it off and went to the kitchen to cook. 

    What happened next? 

    Halimat: Ten minutes after the conversation, my mum called me to the living room and started shouting at me, telling me the roads weren’t safe and I was putting my life at risk. I was confused at first, then angry. I’d taken those same “unsafe” roads for my grandma’s burial she wanted me to attend. So why was this different? 

    I didn’t say anything to her because of how angry I was. Afterwards, Aishat told me she only told my mum because she “cared”, but I wasn’t buying it. I told her something because I trusted her, not so she could tell my mum my business. 

    So you didn’t speak to her again?

    Halimat: I did, but not by choice. A couple of days after the incident, my mother forced me to go to Aishat’s house to talk to her. Aishat had apparently been talking to her own mother about how I’ve refused to speak to her. 

    When I got to the house, her mother tried to remind us we were more than just friends, but I wasn’t interested in what they were selling. I spent very little time there and got back home. I told my other best friend about the situation, and he went to confront her. She got very angry because I was talking to other people about what she did, but I didn’t care for her anger. 

    What did you do? 

    Halimat: Nothing. I wouldn’t apologise because she’d betrayed my trust, and as a result, had forfeited any right she had over me. 

    Fair. Did she ever apologise? 

    Halimat: Once they called off the strike a couple of months later, she texted me that she doesn’t beg people who are angry with her, but she was putting her pride aside because she rates me. I told her congratulations and blocked her. That was such a half-assed apology; it annoyed me even more.

    Did you talk again after then? 

    Halimat: Three years later, when my dad died, she came to my house for a condolence visit. It felt like she was trying to rekindle something, but I wasn’t interested. Not just because of what happened, but because I’d gotten tired of all the condolence visits. She stayed for 30 minutes, and it was awkward for everyone involved. 

    Do you think you’d ever be friends again? 

    Halimat: I don’t think so. I find it hard to trust people completely, but I trusted her and look what she did. I’ve forgiven her, but I’d never forget. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Dad Wanted a Christian Not a Daughter

    Sunken Ships: My Dad Wanted a Christian Not a Daughter

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Angela* was her father’s favourite child, and he made it obvious. They did everything together, but all that changed when she decided she no longer wanted to be a Christian.

    Describe your relationship with your dad

    Angela: My dad and I were close. I’m the second child f four, so it’s not like I have any unique title like “last child” or “only girl”, but there was something about my relationship with my dad that felt different. 

    While all my family members were doing their thing in the evenings, I’d stay with my dad to watch television and discuss politics. We supported the same football club, had the same favourite food and the same bad temper. My siblings knew my dad had a soft spot for me, so whenever they wanted his permission for something, they’d always make me ask. I don’t think he maltreated them; he just never hid how much he liked me.

    I went to boarding school like my other siblings and went to university in a different state as they did too. The only thing I believe I did differently was not being in a hurry to move out of the house. 

    Why? 

    Angela: I didn’t want to. I had a job close to the house, I owned a car, and I got to spend time with my parents. 

    I grew up in that house, and it’s comfortable. I’d help around the house, pay for a couple of things and keep them company. My parents never said they wanted me gone. They were getting old, and I didn’t like the idea of older people staying in a house alone. Staying with them meant that in an emergency, someone would find them. 

    That makes sense. So how did it affect your relationship with your dad? 

    Angela: Initially? It didn’t. We watched sports, the news and played ayo together. We even became closer because I was older and understood some things better. He’d give me family gist, and we’d gossip about my mum. 

    All was well and good until I decided I wanted to stop attending church. My parents raised us as Christians. We were in various groups in the same church we’d attended since I was born. They took going to church very seriously, and I did too until I started losing whatever attachment I had to religion.

    I was working late, so I’d skip mid-week services and feign sickness to skip Sunday sermons. Faking it got harder each week because finding new excuses to stay out of church got more complicated. I knew I had to tell my parents, but I didn’t know how.

    Did you figure it out? 

    Angela: Yeah. One Saturday, while my parents were in the living room, I told them about my decision to stop attending church because I wasn’t a Christian anymore. My mum kept asking me questions, but my dad was dead silent. When I’d finished answering my mum, my dad just said to me, “Service is by 8 a.m. tomorrow,” and he stood up and left. 

    I knew he would be difficult, but I didn’t expect him to take it as severely as he did. We were supposed to watch the 10 o’clock news together that day, but he didn’t come out of his room. 

    The next day was church, and I refused to wake up on time. At around 7:30 a.m., my mum knocked on my room door to tell me it was time to leave. I ignored her. She came two more times until my dad showed up. He was so angry, he kept screaming at me, and I shouted back. We’d never been like that before. Our temper was usually reserved for other people, but that day? We let each other have it. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    That sounds stressful

    Angela: It was. After we finished shouting at each other, he told me he didn’t want to see me in his house when he returned from church, and that his house won’t be a den for immoral people. 

    I’d lived in that house for 25 years, and he suddenly kicked me out because I didn’t want to attend church. A part of me didn’t want to leave because, at first, I thought he was bluffing. But nobody knew my dad better than me, so I knew he was dead serious. 

    So you left? 

    Angela: Before they came back from church, I’d packed whatever belongings I felt mattered into my car and driven to my friend’s house. I dropped their key for them. My mum called me a lot that day. When I refused to answer, she started calling my siblings. They told me I shouldn’t have left and begged me to return. But my dad didn’t call, and I didn’t either. 

    Even though I was annoyed by their decision, I got them a cleaner who’d stay in the house 24/7 because I still didn’t want them to live alone.

    Wow. Did he ever reach out? 

    Angela: No. I’d call my mum and speak to the cleaner, but he never talked to me. Initially, I would ask them to put him on the call, but he never agreed. Then, I stopped asking. One day, my mum called me to say he’d been rushed to the hospital, that he woke up and wasn’t breathing correctly. He’d had COVID the year before, and apparently, it did some significant damage to his lungs. 

    My other siblings were out of the country, so I was the only one keeping shifts in the clinic. I’d sleep on an uncomfortable chair and cry every day because, even though I hated his guts for throwing me out, he was still my dad. When he eventually got better, he still refused to talk to me directly. I was so annoyed because he didn’t even say he was sorry or tell me thank you. 

    I think that was when I realised I’d lost my dad. My mum says he misses me, but is proud, but I don’t care anymore. If he’d rather have a Christian than a daughter, then so be it. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father For Now

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: I Ghosted Because I Was Scared

    Sunken Ships: I Ghosted Because I Was Scared

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    This week’s Sunken Ships subject, Angela*, talks about how her relationship with Tito* was built on arbitrary decisions. Throw in their age difference, recklessness, Angela’s fear of breaking Tito’s heart, and some ghosting; we have a Sunken Ship. 

    How did the both of you meet? 

    Angela: I’ve known Tito for exactly one year. We met on a random evening when my roommate and I were trying to buy some food for dinner. At the shop, we saw a friend with someone I’d never met before. So, we got introduced. 

    When we all got what we needed, I followed Tito and my friend back to their house. Rain was falling, but my roommate and I had drank a little, so I was feeling impulsive. Plus, their street wasn’t too far from where I lived, so if I changed my mind halfway, I could go back home with minimal effort. 

    The major reason I followed them home was because I wanted to talk to Tito. She looked so cool with her piercings and partly shaved head. She seemed like someone I’d get along great with, and it wasn’t a complete lie. By the time I was leaving their place though, she’d barely said a single word to me. 

    That sucks 

    Angela: The only time Tito spoke to me was when she asked for my snap. So every day since I left their place, she kept sending me snaps. Low-key, I was annoyed because, why didn’t she talk to me? What was I using her snaps to do? I eventually started replying out of boredom, and we got a snap streak going. 

    The next time we met was about two weeks after. It was at a party, and she was walking around with my friend because she’d drunk a lot and needed someone to watch over her. I think she was actually fine but thought my friend was attractive. Knowing Tito now, that’s the kind of stunt she’d pull. 

    Anyways, my friend and I ended up watching over Tito, and as the night went on, we danced together a bunch of times. Then, we kissed. There had been no discussion beforehand, but I blamed the alcohol, music and my loneliness. I shouldn’t have done it because we didn’t know each other, and we were in public, but I did it anyway. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists For People 

    What happened after the kiss? 

    Angela: We both went to our separate houses. It’s not like I’d fall in love with someone because of one kiss. We’d barely spoken more than three sentences to each other. She was just a mutual friend I kept a snap streak with. 

    Then? 

    Angela: Another two weeks later, she sent me a message that they were around where I stayed and wanted to say hi. I was bored and needed some company, so I agreed. 

    We talked alone for hours about everything from life to exes, school, work, money, etc. Having her alone made me realise how fun she is, and we didn’t realise it was getting late. They were about to lock my gate, so in the spirit of randomness, I asked her to stay. She did. She never left. 

    What d’you mean she never left? 

    Angela: Okay, she did leave and I’m being a bit dramatic, but she only left to shower and change clothes. It became a thing. She’d come to my room every night, we’d go on a long walk together, and she’d sleep over. Then, I got her a sponge, amongst other things, and she brought some of her clothes. That’s how she moved in with me. 

    You’re joking. Very Abuja-man behaviour

    Angela: Everything about Tito and I’s friendship was random. Us sleeping together and with the same people, us living together, etc., was just a combination of random decisions and love. 

    Love? 

    Angela: Our falling in love was bound to happen. None of our friends were surprised when we told them. She’s kind, sweet, funny, caring, protective and reckless. A stellar combination that’d knock the socks off of any woman, and I realised how lucky I was to have her.

    I don’t take care of myself a lot. Instead, I focus all that energy on caring for other people, but Tito brought me back to myself. She helped me be selfish and cared for me when I was too tired to take care of myself. She loved me and worshipped the ground I walked on. I was in my princess era with her. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    But? 

    Angela: She’s a year and some months younger than me. Now, it’s not illegal because we met when I was 20, and she was 18, but the age difference bothered me a lot. A whole lot. 

    It seemed like we were at completely different stages in life. I was rounding up university, and she was in her second year. I had a job, and she did a bunch of not completely legal things like dabbling in fraud and helping people move drugs around. 

    I’d say some things to her, and she wouldn’t get it, and it’ll make me realise how different we were. It didn’t allow me to take her seriously a lot of times. I’d only ever been with women older than me. This was different and not entirely in a good way. 

    Was it just the age? 

    Angela: It felt like she didn’t take life as seriously as I did. It’s okay to have a little fun once in a while, but it seemed like she always wanted to have fun. There were situations you’d expect her to be serious, but she never was. It was exasperating, and I constantly felt like a terrible person for reminding her she had to take things seriously. 

    I’d battle the guilt, we’d argue, have fantastic sex, and we’d try to move on. But the same issue will come up again. I was tired, and I didn’t realise how much until school closed because of the strike in February. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness 

    What happened when school closed? 

    Angela: We don’t see each other anymore because we live in different states. She called a lot, but I started finding the calls annoying. I got a job, and she’d be calling me in the middle of a meeting or while I’m trying to cook or do some housework.

    I found myself avoiding her calls a lot, which led to me ignoring her in general. I wasn’t replying messages or keeping in touch. She started dating someone, and her girlfriend tried to reach out to me. We were all friends so it wasn’t shocking, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t start ignoring her on purpose. 

    I’ve never broken anyone’s heart before, and I’ve never wanted to because I don’t like when I get my own heart broken. But I realised not talking to her meant I was breaking her heart. Yet I don’t know what to say to her or how to say it. 

    Would you ever talk to her again? 

    Angela: Yes, but I plan to put it off for as long as possible. I’ve not figured out the words or how to say. She loves me a lot, and it’ll hurt to tell her all these things. I’m low-key hoping she’d read this and get some closure. I’m a coward who does terribly with confrontation. 

    What about when school resumes? 

    Angela: It’ll be very awkward. I don’t even want to think about that, but I’ll try my hardest to avoid her. She has a key to my room and can take her stuff when I’m not there. So it’ll be easier for her to move on if she hates me. I’m okay with that. 

    Do you still love her?

    Angela: Yes, I do. But love isn’t enough. I need security, assurance and someone who takes life as seriously as I do. I can’t get that from her, and that’s okay.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Ran Away and I Never Got Over It

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Ran Away, and I Never Got Over It

    Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Ran Away, and I Never Got Over It

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    For some people, the saying “dog is man’s best friend” holds no water. For Miliscent, it meant everything. In this week’s Sunken Ships, she talks to us about having a dog as a best friend, how she owes her ability to move her right hand to him, and how her Uncle’s carelessness made her lose him. 

    Let’s start from the beginning

    Miliscent: You know how some people have pets and then a child? That was my case. When I was brought into this world, I met a dog waiting for me. He was a German Shephard called Doughlas.  We grew up together. There’s this story my mum likes to tell me about how she knew the dog and I would be inseparable. 

    When I was born, the nurse in charge of my delivery was careless and broke my right hand. Two weeks later, people told my parents they had to go to a bonesetter to fix it, but my parents didn’t agree since the process would be too painful for an infant to endure. That’s when they started to pray. 

    One day, while they were singing a song, the dog joined in. My mum said he was crying as they sang, and suddenly, my right hand moved for the first time. They could hear the bones cracking. As they all continued singing, the bone straightened. 

    That’s pretty intense

    Miliscent: It does sound intense. As I grew older, I didn’t have a lot of friends and my only sibling was pretty young, but I had Douglas. Whenever I returned from school, he’d be waiting at the gate so he could jump on me. 

    That’s so cute

    Miliscent: He was very protective of me too. Whenever we had people over, especially strangers, he wouldn’t let them touch me unnecessarily. He’d stand in front of me if anyone got close and would either bite or bark at them depending on how uncomfortable I was. 

    When I was seven years old, he even saved my life. One of my uncles left the gate open and I ran outside in excitement. I didn’t know a car was coming but before it got close, Douglas pushed me out of the way. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists For People

    But what happened to Douglas? 

    Miliscent: When I was eight years old, he ran away. My uncles were talking, and because they got distracted, they left the gate open. The next thing we knew, he went under their legs and ran non-stop. I cried for a week straight and forced my grandpa to organise a search party for him. Everyone from our neighbours to estate security helped me search for him, but it was fruitless. We never found him. 

    I sat in front of the gate each day after school for over a week, hoping he’d come out ready to play fetch with me again, but he never did. I’d lost my best friend. I try so hard not to hate my uncles for leaving the gate open, but sometimes, the thoughts seep through. 

    Do you ever wonder what could’ve happened to him? 

    Miliscent: All the time. My thoughts fluctuate between someone capturing him to eat and training him to keep. I don’t know, and I wish it’s something I never had to think about. 

    I’m sorry. How did you cope? 

    Miliscent: I didn’t. Over time, I just tried to get used to a life without Douglas. 

    Have you had another pet since then? 

    Miliscent: Yes, I have. But it’s a pretty recent development. In August 2021, my aunt got me a German Shepherd. 

    He looks like Douglas a lot, probably because they’re the same breed of dog. But they definitely don’t act alike in any way. Sure, Max is also protective of me, but he’s more hyper than Douglas was. He’s always interfering in my business and can get very aggressive. He once bit my aunt. The same one who gave him to me. 

    Plus, he never leaves my property in one piece. My slippers have suffered in his hands, and I’m tired. 

    But do you love him?

    Miliscent: I do. He can never be Douglas, but he’s helping fill the hole he left in my heart. I smile more. I love my dog with everything in me.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • I Lost My Best Friend, and I Blame Nigeria

    I Lost My Best Friend, and I Blame Nigeria

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Chioma* and Blessing* have been friends for seven years. They met in university and remained by each other’s side long after. However, in 2020, Blessing became obsessed with leaving the country, and she eventually succeeded in 2021. Now, Chioma feels the distance has strained her relationship with her soulmate. Here’s her story:

    Chioma: Blessing* and I have been friends for at least seven years. We were roommates in our third year in 2015 and for the first couple of weeks didn’t speak to each other besides the occasional hi or hello. Then one day, after her class, she came to the room and saw me crying because one foolish boy broke my heart. That day, she got lunch for the two of us and listened to me as I shouted different variations of “God will punish this boy”. 

    She held me, and I used tears and catarrh to stain her shirt, but she never complained. That was such a big act of kindness for me. When I eventually slept, she fetched the water I’d use to have my bath the next day and even gave me painkillers for my headache. From that moment, I knew I’d found someone I’d never leave alone. 

    We started doing everything together. We’d bathe, cook, study and party together. People joked that anywhere they saw her, they saw me. Some even thought we were a couple because of how close we were. 

    What was it like after university?

    Chioma: After we both graduated in 2017, my dad helped us work out NYSC so we both served in Lagos state. It would’ve been easier to live together, but we wanted to avoid see finish. Plus, we wanted an excuse to miss each other. 

    That’s when we started our weekly hangout sessions. We’d either do them in person or over the phone, but we made sure to catch up once a week. During these sessions, we’d talk about how we’d eventually buy houses in the same estate so our children can grow up around each other and be best friends too. 

    Things got even better when after NYSC we both got good-paying jobs and started earning some big girl money. We could really spoil each other, and we did. 

    How did you spoil each other? 

    Chioma: Well, there were times she’d randomly send food to my office because I mentioned I’d skipped breakfast and was stuck in meetings. Or she’d drive to my office during her lunch break and demand I take mine to eat.

    Then we’d buy each other random gifts because we could — jewellery, shoes, wigs, etc. She’d quote a dress with “I want”, on social media, and I’d buy it for her. I knew her shoe and dress size, and we’d been friends for so long, I could see something and know she’d like it. 

    She’d gift me spa vouchers, and I’d book her massage appointments. The friendship was great before, but with money? It was even greater. We even went  on trips to other African countries together. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Couldn’t Keep Up With Her Lifestyle

    What about romantic relationships? 

    Chioma: We told any guy who was remotely interested in either of us that we’re a package deal. You date her, you date me and vice versa. We were stuck at the hip. Maybe it’s because a failed relationship brought us together, but we always tried to never let relationships affect us. 

    There was a time I had a boyfriend who told me I was spending too much time with her. I broke up with him. Sure, there were other issues, but that was what tipped me over the edge. She’s my soulmate, and I told that to every single guy. 

    What changed? 

    Chioma: Nigeria. We’d talked about leaving the country to eventually settle somewhere, but we weren’t in a hurry. We kept sending each other links to jobs and scholarships, but genuinely, our heart was in this country. We didn’t want to go anywhere. 

    Then October 2020 happened, and we watched people lose their lives protesting for police reform. It broke something in her. She became obsessed with leaving the country. She was learning new courses and collecting certificates like Thanos with his rings. I tried my best to keep up with her but my funds got a bit tied up because my mother fell sick. 

    In 2021, she informed me she’d gotten a job that offered her residence in Canada. I was happy for her. Ecstatic, even. I knew how much she wanted it, but at the same time, I was scared of what it would mean for our friendship. She assured me we’d find time to keep in touch and continue our weekly catch-up sessions, but I was skeptical.

    Were you right? 

    Chioma: For the first few weeks she was in Canada, she FaceTimed me about everything. The food she was eating, where she was eating it, the people she met, and sometimes, she’d even call me at work and we’d be each other’s background noise. 

    But when there’s a five-hour difference between you and your favourite person, calls like that become more and more difficult to have. By the time she wakes up in the morning and wants to call me while on her morning run, I’m already stuck in a meeting. When my meeting is done and I’m trying to reach her, she’s on her way to work. She tries to call me while I’m at work but I’m either driving somewhere or stuck in another meeting. When work closes and I try to call her, she has a meeting or is doing focused work. 

    By the time she eventually closes from work, it’s already night over her, and I’m getting ready to sleep and prepare for my commute to work again. 

    There was barely any time for us to just sit and talk. We were both so busy, it was unreal. 

    RELATED: How to Maintain a Long-Distance Relationship

    I’m so sorry 

    Chioma: It’s alright. It started to get really bad when the few times we did find a chance to have a conversation, there were so many things she’d say I didn’t understand. I was out of the loop of my best friend’s life and it was devastating. 

    We couldn’t go to parties together or just hangout. We tried Netflix watch parties and online dates, but they got fewer and fewer because she was spending time with the friends she made there. Or I was hanging out with my other friends in Nigeria. 

    What’s your relationship like now? 

    Chioma: Honestly, I don’t know. If you ask me what it is she’s doing, I won’t have an answer for you. We’ve not texted in three days now, and it’s so strange looking at the chat icon, knowing I won’t get a reply anytime soon. 

    I miss my best friend and the closeness we were able to maintain while we lived in the same state and time zone. It was easier to show up for one another when we could do it physically. 

    Do you have any plans to leave the country? 

    Chioma: Yes, I do. I keep trying to find jobs in Canada and some places have gotten back to me. But with the way this country keeps stressing me out, I just might take any country that’s willing to have me. I hate that my best friend and I may never be as close as we once were, and I blame Nigeria a hundred percent. 

    I miss her so much. I remember when, during one of the few times we spoke, she told me she hadn’t eaten. I cried a bit after because I realised I couldn’t just drop by her office and dump the lunch on her table. I couldn’t surprise her with soups during the weekend, and we couldn’t have our cute friendship dates. I miss her more than anything because I know it’ll never be the same way again. Even if I find a way for us to be in the same state in Canada, we might not be able to make up for the strain in our relationship. I just wish we could go back to the way things were before.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Cousin Thought I Only Needed Him for Money

    Sunken Ships: My Cousin Thought I Only Needed Him for Money

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Debo* was Bola’s* older cousin and closest friend. When Debo’s mum — Bola’s favourite aunt — died, they both had different responses to the loss, and their relationship never recovered from it. Here’s Bola’s story:

    Bola: I’ve known my cousin, *Debo, all my life. He was 13 when I was born but was somehow the closest cousin to my age. I think that’s what made us so close. 

    He was the one the adults put in charge of me and my younger siblings. I spent a lot of my childhood at his house, and he was basically my senior brother. As the firstborn, I had to take care of my siblings, but having someone look out for me felt nice.

    He’d be the one to pick me up from boarding school, and because most of the seniors had a crush on him, they never punished or bullied me if it wasn’t a general punishment. He was an advocate for my enjoyment, and I loved every moment I spent with him.

    What Changed?

    Bola: When I was 14, his mother died. She was my favourite aunt and the whole family took a big hit. I tried to talk to him about it because nobody else really understood how I felt, but he wouldn’t pick my calls or talk to me. Now, I realise he was dealing with it in his own way, but I wish we’d had a conversation first. 

    The next time the family got together after my aunt’s death was when I was 16. I was done with secondary school and had developed quite an attitude. I felt like I was better than everyone. I stopped hanging out with Debo because he smoked marijuana, drank and was unserious with his life, and I didn’t want to turn out like him. I was extremely judgmental. 

    How did that affect the relationship?

    Bola: Eventually, I got over myself, and Debo and I started talking again. Not like we used to, but for a while, things were better than they were right after my aunt died. That’s why I was shocked when one day, he video-called wearing a hoodie and there was snow all around him. 

    And that was how he told us he’d travelled abroad. I get that we can be superstitious as Nigerians, but he wasn’t that kind of person. I thought he would’ve at least let me know before he moved continents. That didn’t stop me from being happy for him though. He seemed excited, and by extension, we all were too. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    That sounds good?

    Bola: For the first year or two of him being out of the country, we were fine. We’d talk over the phone, he’d comment on my WhatsApp status, like my pictures on Instagram; we were good. In fact, during one of his calls, he told me he heard I needed a new phone and sent me some money to complete what I’d saved for it. 

    But from that moment on, when I call, he’d start hinting I wanted to ask him for something, and it was very off-putting. Then he got married even though he had already three daughters in Nigeria, and that annoyed me even more. So, I blocked him everywhere. We haven’t spoken since. 

    How long has it been since you spoke?

    Bola: Five years. He still calls my parents and siblings, but he never asks to speak with me. So, I don’t think he wants to. 

    Do you want to speak with him? 

    Bola: I don’t know. Last year, I unblocked him because I thought I would send him a message, but I never did. I also wanted to see if he would reach out, but he never did. He also didn’t act like he noticed I’d unblocked him. 

    Have you tried to reach out?

    Bola: No. I’m still hurt because of everything that happened. I’m annoyed he left his three daughters here to marry another person and start a life with them. It’s not like he doesn’t take care of his children, but they’re just going to grow up without having him around. 

    I’m hurt he didn’t reach out to me before he travelled because I wish he had. 

    I’m also hurt he implied I only spoke to him because I wanted something from him. I’ve never asked him for anything before, even when we were younger. He’s the last born in his own family and was the one telling us who to beg for things. I don’t understand why he was projecting on me.

    What about your aunt’s death? Did you ever bring it up? 

    Bola: I never did. So many years had passed since the death; bringing up the hurt I felt about him not talking to me during that period would’ve just opened up old wounds. My aunt meant so much to me. She was basically my second mum. I thought he’d get it and understand my own pain. He was older, and I needed my big brother, but it felt like I could no longer have that. 

    Plus, it put a huge strain on our relationship. We don’t talk to each other the way we used to, so there was really no way to mention it after. 

    Do you think you might’ve had a hand in the relationship crumbling? 

    Bola: We both had a hand in it. I could’ve been a bit more understanding and he could’ve been better at communicating how he felt.

    Don’t you think it’s a bit selfish to have expected that from him when he was probably grieving too?

    Bola: I’m older now, so I know people deal with grief differently. I shouldn’t have expected him to try to heal with me. I was a child and a lot more immature than most kids my age, so of course, I was hurt. Maybe it was selfish that I wanted him to be there for, but it’s what I wanted. 

    I never told him or made him feel bad about it. I just felt that way in my heart. Now I know I should’ve given him space to take as much time as he needed, but our relationship is still damaged. A lot has happened without him, there’s so much physical distance between us and only so much opening we’re willing to do.

    Will you ever reach out to him again? 

    Bola: I will. Maybe when I learn to be the bigger person, but I’m currently not. So we’ll see. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father For Now

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  • Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists for People

    Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists for People

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    *Disclaimer: Alex* is gender nonbinary and uses they/he pronouns. Thank you*

    Alex* had bumped into Femi* at every summer lesson they attended. So, it was natural they became friends. From friends, they started dating. Now, they haven’t spoken in years. Here’s Alex’s story: 

    How did you meet him? 

    Alex: I don’t remember the exact way we met, but I do remember we kept meeting at various summer lessons when we were in primary and junior secondary school. When I got to SS1 in 2012, I stopped attending them. So that put a halt to our conversations. 

    Then, I graduated and didn’t get into uni immediately, so it was back to summer classes by 2015. Guess who was right there? If you meet someone that many times, you’re bound to be friends or at least talk to them. So, we became friends.

    What was the friendship like? 

    Alex: Being friends with him was pretty easy. We could talk about anything from our parents to depression and even our crushes. It helped that he liked the kind of things I did. We liked the same music and books, things people constantly thought I was weird for enjoying. 

    He was also extremely protective of me. Yeah, he spent a lot of time trying to scare me by convincing me to watch horror movies, but no other person was allowed to. He teased me in a way similar to how you acted with a younger sibling, and I found it funny because I was a year older than him. 

    How did the dynamic change?

    Alex: He was a great friend, and I didn’t want to ruin it. That’s why I didn’t tell him about my crush on him. I listened to him talk about the people he liked and the ones who liked him while seething with jealousy. 

    In 2016, we both entered uni, and I got into a relationship with another guy who broke up with me a day before Christmas. I don’t know if that’s what made him confess he’d always liked me, but he did. He even made me a playlist, which is how I started making playlists for people. 

    Any reservations? 

    Alex: Yeah, but I thought it’d be messy. I thought dating would suck, and if we broke up, I’d lose my friend. I agreed anyway because I liked him. We started dating properly in the new year.

    What was dating him like?

    Alex: Soft. He always wanted to make me happy. We would always go on dates even though we were broke 100-level students. 

    He was very intentional about showing up for me. His school was far from mine, but he still came to see me every weekend. He thought I was brilliant, and everything I said was genius. I almost believed him. 

    Sounds amazing so far

    It’s just he was a very sad boy. Sometimes, he’d just close up without telling me what was wrong. And whenever he went silent like that, I knew something bad had happened. But all I could do was worry and expect the worst. 

    He was passively suicidal, so his silence could’ve meant death. But we’d never gone off for longer than a week before. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way 

    So, what happened? 

    Alex: Three months into our relationship, he did the disappearing thing again. A couple of days passed, then a week, and suddenly it’d been three weeks, and I hadn’t heard from him. 

    He didn’t use social media, and he had only one friend. Whenever I called the friend, he’d refuse to tell me what was happening. I couldn’t even leave my house because my parents wouldn’t let me leave the house.

    While worrying about Femi and trying to understand why he’d disappeared for so long, I met this guy who told me everything I wanted to hear: how I deserve someone who won’t treat me that way. He was writing me poetry and all that. So one day, I kissed him. 

    When Femi eventually reached out to me, I told him I kissed someone else. I broke up with him. It felt too much like cheating. 

    How did you feel after the breakup?

    Alex: I don’t know. I didn’t feel as different as I thought I’d feel. While talking to this new guy, I was already subconsciously letting go of the relationship with Femi. It wasn’t until the relationship with the other guy scattered that it hit. It became two in one. I thought I was going to die. 

    Did you ever reach out to Femi again? 

    Alex: No. I couldn’t. We haven’t spoken in years now, but I don’t think I want any form of romantic relationship with him still. I’ve currently changed as a person, and I don’t want to be hate crimed by someone I used to love. I want the memories I have of him to remain good forever.  

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Any regrets? 

    Alex: I regret losing my friend. I wish I could still talk to him about certain shows because we have history, and he’d understand why things make me feel the way they do. I wish I could tell him I watch horror movies now and send him some theories about my favourite musicians, but I can’t. I don’t miss our romantic relationship; I just missed our friendship. 

    I genuinely wish I never crossed the line from friend to lover with him. He truly was one of the best people I had in my life. He made it easy for me to live every day. I really regret losing my friend. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Been Friends Before We Dated

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  • Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father For Now

    Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father For Now

    Tobi* loved their dad. They were the best of friends and did everything together. But things changed and they started to fight too much, until Tobi felt the only solution was to put as much distance between them as possible. 

    How would you describe your relationship with your dad growing up? 

    Tobi: My dad and I were super close when I was younger. We used to wear “and co” and read the books he liked as a child. We always had something to talk about. Everyone around us knew how close we were. If anyone did anything to me, I’d go report to my dad. I trusted him a lot. 

    What changed? 

    Tobi: Entering JS 1 in 2009. Growing up, I was never made to do things like wash my own clothes and sweep. Being thrown into boarding school was hard. He could tell I was going through a lot, but he didn’t want to do anything about it. It seemed like a very wicked choice to me. 

    With the amount of time I spent around my classmates, we would share experiences of our family lives. I soon realised there were some things my dad did I casually dismissed because they seemed normal. It wasn’t always like that, but something changed once I entered secondary school. 

    He would passive-aggressively preach about me. He always complained I was too quiet, and he took my quietness as anger. Every time we prayed in the house, he kept trying to “deliver” me from anger. Then, there were the strange punishments — he would tell me to kneel in a wardrobe knowing fully well I hate the dark, or fast compulsorily, or lock me in my room. 

    During holidays, I’d try to avoid everyone by spending a lot of time in my room, hiding. If I wasn’t in my room, there’d be something he’d berate or punish me for. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    How was it like when you finally graduated from secondary school? 

    Tobi: It got worse. I didn’t get admission to the university because I was too young, so I spent some time doing tutorials for exams. In the lessons I attended, there were these boys from our church who I occasionally hung out with. Once that started, my dad complained about people seeing me talk to boys. It escalated to the point of him slapping me because they walked me home. It was tiring because he never treated any of my younger siblings like this. I was the bearer of everyone’s mistakes, and I took all his anger. 

    How did he treat your siblings?

    Tobi: As the eldest child, whatever they did was somehow my fault. Even if I wasn’t present or aware. Plus, he was always kinder in the way he spoke to them. Sure, he hit them, but he always hit me harder. 

    That’s why when I got into university in 2017, the one thing I pushed for was my own place off-campus. Living in the hostel meant you’d have to go home once school closes. I put a lot of distance between us, and it helped that he didn’t try to force me back. He never looked for or tried to see me in school. The few times he called, I’d tune him out. His voice became white noise. 

    That sounds better 

    Tobi: It was. Everything was going great until the pandemic started in 2020. With the lockdown, there was already a lot of mental strain we were going through as a society. It broke my spirit, and I didn’t know what else to do, so I tried to talk to my dad about my mental health and how I felt depressed. His response was to pray it away. 

    It felt like he was trying to use God to punish me. Whenever I did something he didn’t like, he’d try to pray or fast the problem away. It was ridiculous. Then, he tried to convince me that locing my hair was somehow responsible for why my life is the way it is, that God was angry with me. It really affected my relationship with God. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    I’m so sorry 

    Tobi: After he got tired of shouting at me, he started to hit me. It made me realise I’d never have a proper relationship with my dad. He’s destroyed everything that could’ve been used as a bridge. 

    As the lockdown restrictions eased, I got a remote job that allowed me to still pursue my degree. I moved to live with a friend and didn’t step foot in the house for a year. Then, on the 30th of December (2020), I went to pick up some clothes and left the house for another year. 

    What about now? 

    Tobi: I’ve been spending more time at home now. I haven’t moved out yet because I can’t afford to, but I do try to leave the house whenever I can. Currently, I haven’t stepped foot there in two months. It’s from friend’s house to friend’s house. Finishing school and getting a job reduced the amount of control he had over me. So there’s not much I need him for. 

    What about your mum and siblings? Do you miss them? 

    Tobi: I do miss them, but there’s no amount of missing them that’ll make up for how terrible I’d feel if I lived with them. I’m choosing myself. My siblings have a better relationship with him than I do, so they’re fine. I check in on them regularly. 

    Have you ever tried to talk to him about how you feel? 

    Tobi: Recently, I asked him if he knew he was harder on me than any of his other children, and he said he did know. He felt I was going to spoil, so he had to prevent it. Funny because I still spoil las las, but that’s his own. I didn’t want to hear anything else he had to say.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

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  • Sunken Ships: I Couldn’t Keep Up With Her Lifestyle

    Sunken Ships: I Couldn’t Keep Up With Her Lifestyle

    Amaka* and Sade* were bunkmates, best friends and, to some people, sisters. Throughout their secondary school years, they took care of one another, but their friendship took a turn after graduation when Amaka* realised just how rich her friend was. 

    How did the both of you meet? 

    Amaka: We met in secondary school. It was a federal government secondary boarding school, and we were bunkmates. She transferred to our school in SS1, and even though she was a year older than me, she was very kind and asked me to explain stuff about school to her. She was assigned the top bunk, and I offered to switch with her because she’d never slept on a bunk bed before. 

    I think because we shared a bunk — and I was the one she came to whenever she didn’t understand anything about hostel living — we became so close, we were inseparable. We did everything together, and unlike those bunkmates who fought every hour, we never did. People would joke that in our past lives, we were twins, and we’d laugh it off. 

    And as the years progressed…? 

    Amaka: At this point, I think friendship is a feeble way to describe what the two of us had. It was a sisterhood. As time went on and she became more familiar with the school, she took me as a younger sister. I’m the first-born in my house, so I’m used to caring for my two siblings, so it was nice to be taken care of for a change. 

    She had a key to my cupboard and other belongings because I was a bit clumsy, and I trusted her more than anyone else in school. Plus, she never had enough space for her things, so she kept some of them with me. She’d restock my cupboard whenever my provisions were about to finish and I was left with nothing but garri and sugar. 

    The first time she did this, it was a Saturday, and I was extremely hungry. As I opened my cupboard to drink what was left of my garri, I saw cereal, milk, beverage and even bread. She left me a note letting me know she kept them for me. I didn’t touch them till she came back to the room. She told me she had more than enough, and she couldn’t bear me managing garri. I think I started becoming aware of just how much she had. 

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    Was she rich? 

    Amaka: Extremely, but I didn’t know how much at the time. The car they dropped her off in was nothing above average, and she hardly spoke about her family, but if you paid close attention, you could catch it. The snacks and provisions she brought to school were usually of the imported variety, and there were some things people spoke about that she never could relate to. But I didn’t realise the degree of her wealth until we were graduating from secondary school. 

    On our graduation day, she came with police escort, and I’d never seen our school have so much security. It was like film. She called me to meet her parents, and I felt so small. They looked and smelt like money. Serious one. Her dad is a former military man turned politician, and her mum is into some serious business I can’t recall. Either way, my friend was set for life. 

    Omo. How did that make you feel?

    Amaka: At the time, I couldn’t even correctly process it. It’s not like my parents are poor. We live a comfortable life; they provide the things I need, but they’re not as rich as hers. I still remember her dad gave me ₦150k as a graduation gift and her mum put about $100 in an envelope for being a nice bunkmate. My parents could never do something like that. Not for me or anyone. 

    But Sade* was still my friend, money or no money, until we had to be friends outside of secondary school. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

    What was the difference? 

    Amaka: Well, in secondary school, we were bunkmates, but outside? We belonged to two very different social classes. While we did things like secondary school clearance and waiting for WAEC results to come out, we spent much more time together. She’d invite me for sleepovers at her house and invite me to concerts and the rest. She had VIP tickets to every event because some of her friends knew people who knew other people in the entertainment industry. I was her +1 to most of these events because she told me she didn’t like going alone. Her driver would take us there, and when we felt like we couldn’t go back home because it’s late at night, she’d suggest lodging at some ridiculously priced hotel. 

    It was fun to see how the other side lived for the first couple of weeks, but it was also very intimidating. How was I supposed to reciprocate the gifts and the money spent? When my birthday rolled around, she bought me an iPhone 11 because I’d told her I wanted one. With every outing and gift, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I know she wasn’t expecting me to repay her for anything, but I couldn’t keep up. Also, the money I spent on transportation to her place and the cost of new clothes to attend all the events created a massive dent in the little money I got from random jobs and family members.  

    When I spoke to her about it, she started sending me money and buying me clothes. The height was when she told me she was getting ready to go to London for school. I was still battling ASUU strike and she wanted to resume school in London. She wanted me to follow her so we could settle in. Her dad didn’t mind and thought it’d be nice for her to have a familiar face around for a while. I was home because of the ASUU strike and had nothing to do, but I refused. I told her I had a family emergency, and I stayed at home. 

    Why’d you do that? 

    Amaka: I felt that one day all of it would blow up in my face. Who just offers to bring someone to a new country because they could? That’s not what people do. Now, she’s in London, and we hardly speak. There’s the occasional IG comment and snap, but it wasn’t like before. 

    I lost my bunkmate, best friend and sister, but it would never have worked. I’ve tried to bring it up with her so she’d understand I didn’t abandon her, but it’s hard. How do I explain to her that we can’t be close friends anymore because I can’t keep up with her lifestyle? It was best to end things this way.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Been Friends Before We Dated

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  • Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

    Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Omotola* and Tunde* dated for four years. It was her first relationship and she considered him the love of her life. In this article, she talks about their relationship, how they transitioned to friends and why she can never talk to him again now. Here’s her story:

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    Tell me how you started dating

    Omotola: Looking back at it now, it wasn’t the best or healthiest relationship. I met him in 2011, when I was in my first year in university and he was in his final year. He had a girlfriend at the time and everyone loved them. They were couple goals. Then there was me, the 16-year-old who didn’t understand why he was talking to me. 

    After he graduated the next year, we kept in touch, and sometime during the next semester, when I was 17, we started dating. I was really excited about being in a relationship with an older guy who’s smart and ambitious. He had so many ideas, and I kept imagining a life where he’d be super rich and we’d get married. It was nice to have someone buy me gifts and give me advice. He was my older brother, sugar daddy and mentor. 

    And how did the relationship go? 

    Omotola: I had a terrible relationship with my dad at the time, so I want to believe that’s one of the reasons I was with Tunde. He was so mature and intelligent. Another thing was, with him, I could act my age. I had to be mature with my friends, but with him, I could be young, playful and giggly. I was living a teenage dream. 

    I got this high from having someone who’d already graduated come back to school just to see me. Plus, he was pretty popular, and that made me kinda popular by association. When he asked me to help with things like his transcript or advice his sister who was considering attending the school, I got off on it. 

    So what changed? 

    Omotola: After I graduated in 2015, I started to feel like he wasn’t interested in dating this little girl anymore. I don’t know if it was just my insecurity talking, but it’s like it dawned on me just how much more mature he was. He’d been working and all that, and I felt like I wasn’t enough for him.

    Then he made a big decision. When it came to furthering his education, he had two options. His parents wanted him to get a Master’s degree in Engineering in Glasgow, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to study business, but to do that, he’d have to put himself through school, which meant attending Lagos Business School. 

    When he asked my opinion, I told him to choose the MBA. A part of me wanted it because he lived in Abuja and studying business meant we’d finally be in the same state. But also, he hated Engineering and really wanted to do business. The MBA would’ve made him happier. He agreed with me and came to Lagos just as it became time for my NYSC.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    You were finally together in Lagos. That must’ve been great

    Omotola: Well, he wanted me to serve in Lagos. But ever since I knew what NYSC was, I’d wanted to serve in Calabar because I was intrigued by the state’s history and cultural diversity, and I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. I didn’t plan on changing that. So, I kept it from him till I travelled. He was so upset and kept telling me how he didn’t go to the UK because of me, only for me to turn around and leave anyway. I already felt insecure in our relationship, so the strain of this decision only made it worse. I called him one day and ask for us to break up.

    Honestly, I hoped he’d reassure me and ask that we stay together, but he didn’t. He listened to everything I had to say about the relationship and was very calm about it. He agreed we did, in fact, need time apart, and that’s how we broke up. 

    And after the breakup? 

    Omotola: We didn’t talk for a long time. I came back to Lagos in 2016, after passing out of NYSC. The next year, he randomly called to ask how I was. And just like that, we were friends, acting like nothing ever happened. It hurt like hell. I was dying inside because I was still in love with him. 

    He was a good friend who helped me out a lot when it came to advice. I would talk to him about things he didn’t even understand, and he would still listen and give me some guidance. The friendship was long-distance just like when we dated because after his MBA, he returned to Abuja. I could tell he had moved on, but I hadn’t really. 

    So how did you move from being friends to never speaking again?  

    Omotola: In 2018, he called to tell me he was in Lagos and he wanted us to hang out. We had dinner and talked. It was a nice friendly date, but shortly after, he went back to Abuja, in time for his birthday that same week. 

    At around 8 p.m. a few weeks later, I got a message from a mutual friend, asking me if it was true Tunde was dead. I laughed. Of course, it wasn’t true. But I made a couple of calls to confirm, and I found out it was true. He died a few days after his birthday. I was crushed. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Been Friends Before We Dated

    I’m so sorry 

    Omotola: I felt lost when I found out he was dead. Not only was I lost, I was in denial. For the longest time, I thought my friends were messing with me. I was so confused. 

    Do you know the crazy part? I never found out how exactly he died. His parents were very secretive about it because it involved a shooting. Even the funeral was private, and I didn’t get a chance to attend. I mean, why would I? I was just the ex from two years ago. While we were friends, we weren’t close enough that I’d be informed about things like that. The only thing I attended was the memorial service our alumni organised. 

    Last year, I was in a terrible place and stumbled upon the Facebook messages we sent each other when we were still dating, and I wept. I had to call my best friend and cry to her over the phone because I didn’t believe the person I could talk to about every and anything was no longer on Earth. I’m sad, not just for the friendship we had, but because of the person he could’ve been. I believed in him so much, and the greatness he had to offer. 

    Do you have any regrets? 

    Omotola: No. Well, I wish we were closer before he died. It’s been four years since, and I don’t think I’ve gotten any closure because I don’t know how it happened. Only that he was in a coma in some hospital for days before he died. I wish I knew the exact details. 

    I can’t say I wish we were still dating because we broke up for a reason. In hindsight, the romantic relationship wasn’t healthy. I was a child for most of it. But sometimes, I find myself wondering what would’ve changed about us if I served in Lagos. 

    What do you think your relationship would’ve been like if he hadn’t passed? 

    Omotola: I think, at the very least, we would’ve been good friends. Tunde was the kind of guy who wouldn’t just let a friendship go like that. But if you’d asked any of my friends, they’d probably say we’d have gotten back together. 

    Before he died, my bestie was still talking about how sure she was about that. But when he came to Lagos, and we had that dinner, it was obvious we’d both moved past that time in our lives. I try so hard to not think of what could’ve been. What I do know is I still love him. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

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  • Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Adaeze* and Billie* have been friends for a year and five months. In this episode of Zikoko Sunken Ships, they discuss falling in love, pursuing a romantic connection, failing at that and why they’re choosing to be just friends even though they’re still in love with each other. Here’s their story: 

    How did the two of you meet? 

    Billie: We met on Tinder. I swiped right because I thought she was pretty. Honestly, I don’t know why she swiped right for me. I had a Kermit the frog picture on my profile. Adaeze, do you have a Kermit fetish? 

    Adaeze: Of course, I don’t. I swiped right for two reasons. The first is they have a hot name. I’ve not met a single unattractive person that has that name. Secondly, I thought they were someone I already knew, so I swiped for laughs. It turns out they were a stranger. So, when we matched, I went into it with the idea of friendship. 

    Billie: Oh, you just wanted to be my friend? I didn’t know that. I mean, it’s not like I swiped with the idea that we’d automatically become romantic interests, but I was open to it. I had downloaded the app maybe two days before meeting her, so I didn’t have a lot of expectations. 

    Adaeze: God put Tobi there to find me. That’s the theory I’m working with. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

    So, when did we start catching feelings? 

    Billie: Almost immediately. The first time we met was a month and some weeks after we started talking. And it was the day we had our first kiss. I was so shy.

    Adaeze: They were so nervous and kept moving around, flailing their arms and talking. I had to start the kiss, and I believe it was a really great first kiss. It really broke the ice. 

    Billie: I could have done better.

    Adaeze: Yes, you could have stopped shaking. 

    Billie: Apologies, ma’am.

    Would you like to be interviewed for Sunken Ships?

    Yes, Interview me!

    Adaeze: We were actually supposed to see the next day, which was a Saturday, but because I really wanted to see them, we moved it to Friday night. I didn’t even realise I had caught proper feelings for them until the next day. 

    We spent the entire day in a hotel, and I had cramps so they held me while I slept. We watched Midsommar, and they closed my ears when the scary parts happened because I hate gore. That’s when it hit me that, wait o, I might actually have feelings for this person. I don’t even think they remember doing all of that. 

    Billie: Rate me small, please. I remember, and I’d still do the same for her. I’d do the same thing for any of my friends. 

    Adaeze: But here I was thinking it was a not-so-friendly action. I’ve come to realise that both of us have different ways we approach friendship and romantic relationships. 

    There are some things I’ve reserved for my friends and some for people I’m romantically involved with. It’s just that what I think is strictly reserved for people I am in a romantic relationship with, oga does for their friends. 

    Like that day when they held and fed me because I had cramps, I wouldn’t have done that for a friend. Sure, I could have fed the friend, but I don’t like physical touch enough to hold them. But I would for someone I’m in love with. 

    Billie, does that mean you didn’t have romantic feelings towards Adaeze? 

    Billie: I did. That Saturday, when she told me she had feelings for me, I told her I felt the same way. It’s just that I have some issues with commitment. I’m a dickhead and will ruin things eventually. Plus, I’m not ready for the kind of commitment a relationship will bring. I don’t like putting labels on things. Labels are too constrictive.

    Adaeze: Billie is a hippie. They don’t want a girlfriend, so we decided to see where things went. 

    Friend is fine, but girlfriend is too much? 

    Billie: I guess she’s my girlfriend then. 

    Adaeze: This is not how you ask a peng babe like me out. 

    Billie: Wait, I mean, she’s a friend that’s a girl. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    I’m sorry, that statement is giving primary four, and it just had to be said 

    Adaeze: Oho! The thing is, I feel like I’d have been fine, but then I found out that Tobi was seeing other people, and I lost it. 

    Billie: So I removed sex from the equation. I wasn’t going to stop seeing other people. She wanted more than I could give, so I’d rather just be her friend. 

    Adaeze: I wanted exclusivity and commitment. They make me feel safe and not stupid. I wanted to go out and scream that I was their girlfriend and we were together. I wanted to feel secure about it and just be with them. 

    I think it’s good they withdrew those things so I wouldn’t keep getting my feelings hurt. 

    So, what does your current friendship look like? 

    Adaeze: It’s still a bit weird, and I wish I could change that, but I’m trying to get used to our relationship without the romance. I was afraid that they’d stop liking me because they had removed those things from the table.

    Billie: Maybe if we had made it strictly platonic from the start, I wouldn’t have hurt her in this way. 

    Adaeze: Even if you’d have made it platonic, I’d have still tripped and fallen in love with you, unfortunately. 

    I think our friendship works because they’re so honest and plain. We have a lot in common, and our differences sometimes complement each other. Talking to them can be easy. 

    An ideal friendship is one where I don’t feel weird talking to them. The dynamics and boundaries have been properly set, and they finally stop complaining when I take all their clothes. We’re the same size fgs. Is it not a sign? 

    Billie: Please stop stealing my clothes; I have nothing to wear anymore. But yeah, she’s so easy to talk to. I never feel weird with her or that I’m being judged. Plus, she always has gist for me. I just wish what we had happened in a way that nobody gets hurt. 

    Are you both still in love with each other? 

    Adaeze: I love them a lot, but love isn’t enough. I recognise that, but it’s a hard pill to swallow. 

    Billie: I don’t think anything will change how I feel about her. We’d have been together if I wasn’t so scared of commitment. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

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  • Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

    Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Mary* and Joseph* are exes who dated for less than a year. In this episode of Zikoko Sunken Ships, they discuss how they should’ve been friends before jumping headfirst into a relationship, and how their friends influenced their breakup. Here’s their story:

    Mary and Joseph met at the birthday party of a mutual friend. They got to talking and realised they liked each other. 

    Mary was tired of being calculative whenever it came to relationships, and that’s why when Joseph asked her out, she agreed. 

    Endless fights and a couple of realisations later, they decide to end their romantic relationship and pursue a new one as friends. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    Why exactly did you break up? 

    Mary: We are both very stubborn, so our fights were endless. We didn’t argue or shout at each other, but we’d refuse to communicate. I’m not a confrontational person, so instead of talking about what’s wrong, I’d go quiet. Unfortunately, he was like that too. That’s why I broke up with him.

    At one point, I also thought he was cheating on me. I saw a video on his phone, and the body language between him and the girl in the video was very fishy. There was even a suggestive kiss, but it wasn’t on the lips. 

    Joseph: She didn’t add that she broke up with me more than once during our relationship. It was at least three times, and all for different reasons. The first time, it was because my friends and her friends got into some drama. The second and third were because we fought, and both gave each other the silent treatment. 

    The video she’s talking about was probably an old one from before we even got together. Even the “suggestive” kiss, what’s that? If she didn’t kiss me on the lips, how was it suggestive? 

    Mary: I don’t know how to explain it. It was sha a suggestive kiss. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    So about this friend drama…

    Mary: His friends drank and partied a lot in a very unhealthy way. They were also very loud and always involved in girl drama. It’s like that lifestyle excited them, and it was a stark contrast to my bookish friends who kept to themselves a lot. 

    They thought he wasn’t good enough for me and our characters clashed. It may have aided why I broke up with him, but it wasn’t the main reason. 

    Joseph: I found the whole concept of her friends thinking I was not good enough ridiculous. At some point, both our friend groups were very close. Close enough that one of her friends almost dated one of mine. Everything was good with the world, but we started dating, and suddenly, her friends had a problem with mine. 

    And Mary liked the lifestyle. Maybe not the whole package, but she enjoyed the outings and partied moderately. So, what’s the problem? 

    Mary: I didn’t say I broke up with you because of the lifestyle. It was just a reason on top of the many other reasons, such as our inability to have difficult conversations. We didn’t handle fights healthily, and that needed to end. 

    Joseph: That’s fair. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    So, how did the transition from ex to friends go? 

    Mary: It was pretty easy. After we broke up, we stopped talking for about a month. Then, we just started talking about anything and everything. 

    Plus, I had no expectations of him, so some of his actions and reactions didn’t bother me as much as they would have. 

    We bantered easily, which was one of the easiest parts of our romantic relationship. 

    It also helped that we were both on the same page regarding the relationship ending. Nobody was secretly in love with the other and trying to get them back. We are both adults who recognised that one type of relationship didn’t work out and switched to another. 

    Joseph: I didn’t try to fight it. I knew what we had romantically had run its course. 

    Mary: Funny how it took us breaking up to be good friends finally. My relationship with him is now full of banter and trust. We talk to each other about people we’re seeing, and I can have difficult conversations with him. 

    We also did a lot of work on ourselves as individuals. I can have difficult conversations with him as friends, and sometimes, these are conversations I can’t have with anyone else. 

    Joseph: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She’s one of the best people in my life. We went about having a relationship through the wrong route. We should have been friends instead.

    RELATED: So You Want to Be Friends With Your Ex?

    What’s something you both wish you’d have done differently in your romantic relationship? 

    Mary: Talk more. If we had spoken about a lot more things before we started to date, we’d have realised we needed to work on our friendship as the foundation of whatever we wanted to build romantically. 

    Joseph: Yeah, we definitely should have talked more. 

    Do you think the breakup was a good decision? 

    Joseph: Absolutely. It was good for both of us, but our friendship has been excellent. It’s so good that I don’t even refer to her as my ex to people who don’t know we dated. I tell them she’s my friend. 

    Mary: Yes. Our friendship has been nice, and I don’t think I’d have preferred it any other way. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

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  • Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Anita* and Cynthia* are cousins with a four-year age difference. They spent a lot of their free time together as children, but one incident changed the trajectory of their relationship. Now, it’s been over a decade since they spoke. Here’s *Anita’s story: 

    I’ve known Cynthia all my life. That’s the good thing about family. You don’t have to find them; they’re already there. 

    Cynthia and I were close in age, unlike many of our other cousins, so we spent a lot of time together. Easter, birthdays, Christmas, name it. If there was a reason to go over to her house for the holidays, I’d take it with joy. 

    Until one day, I was at her house and she ignored me. That’s when I decided I’d never go back. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    What happened?

    The short story is that she chose her friends over me. The long story is that her parents were throwing a party for their children and their children’s friends. I was around two days before because I’m family and I just spent a lot of my free time at her place. 

    That day, she had promised me we’d play some games together, and I was very excited. Then, the guests started arriving, mostly girls from her boarding school. When it was time for us to play our game, I reminded her about it, and she said she didn’t have time, that she was busy. It turned out she was “busy” watching television with her friends. For the whole day, she ignored me completely. I went home the next day as planned, and never went back to her house again. 

    Why didn’t you go back? 

    I was hurt. I felt abandoned by the only friend I had. Making friends was a tough thing for me to do because a lot of people only wanted to talk to me because their parents told them to. I was one of those “smart” children parents wanted their children to associate with. At the time, she saw me as a person not just a way to improve her intelligence. 

    Plus, the situation brought insecurities I didn’t even realise I had. I started to withdraw and stopped being the happy and cheerful person I once was. From then on, I began to see myself as less than everyone else. Self-esteem issues are a bitch, and I can tie mine to that one scenario. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    But you’re family, how did you not talk to her for over a decade? 

    I just avoided her. She might be family, but it doesn’t mean we have to talk to each other all the time. I went to boarding school too, and for some reason, our calendars never synched. We were hardly on holiday simultaneously, so not seeing her was easy. Whenever her mum asked me to come over to her place, I’d make up an excuse. 

    We didn’t even go to Universities in the same country, so dodging her wasn’t a challenging feat. We only ever saw during Christmas because we gather at our grandma’s place for the holidays. Even then, there are a lot of cousins and many rooms to hide in. I just talk to someone else, and if I can’t, I hide. 

    Did you ever bring it up with her? 

    No. I wonder if things would have been different if I had just told her, but the situation was so embarrassing. Even saying it right now is embarrassing. 

    Also, I was hoping she’d bring it up herself. I wanted her to approach me and ask why we weren’t talking anymore, but she never did. One of our cousins did though. She asked me why I didn’t speak to Cynthia anymore, and I asked her, “why doesn’t Cynthia talk to me?” It’s not like she made an effort to reach out and I refused to speak to her. I talk to her mum, who is an absolute sweetheart, so if Cynthia talked to me, I’d probably talk back. 

    The conclusion I’ve reached is that she doesn’t like me. Maybe she never really did.

    Do you think you’d ever tell her? 

    Maybe. It took me years to work through a lot of the issues I developed based on that experience — the years of battling insecurities, questioning my self-worth and other things. I’m still figuring it out, but it’s a lot less now. In a way, I’m thankful to her for teaching me early that people will leave you for other people. It’s not a reflection of your worth; it’s just how it is. 

    If we see at Christmas this year, maybe I’ll bring it up. I can’t keep dragging something that happened years ago. I’m an adult now, and so is she. Plus, it would be nice to actually hear what she has to say. It might have been a big misunderstanding, and I’m overreacting. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Do you miss her? 

    Sometimes. I’m not close to many of my family members because a lot of them are much older. She was one of the few people who was actually around my age. I miss what we had and what we could have had. 

    Do you hate her for how she made you feel? 

    I used to, but not anymore. One thing I realised a little too late is that she grew up. She may have been around my age, but she still had four years on me. She also had friends outside of me. Sure, she could have handled that situation better, but I’m not the only friend in her life. I tend to be very intense when I care about someone, and I usually expect that intensity in return. However, not everyone can give it, and that’s fine because it means I just have to find people who can. 

    I’ve grown up as well. I’ve been the older cousin who’s had to entertain the younger ones, so I get how she feels, but I just wish things happened differently.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

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  • Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

    Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    *Amina and *Fatima had been friends for thirteen years. But one fight was enough to reveal the many times Fatima had tried to sabotage Amina, and now, the friendship is no more. 

    Fatima and I had known each other since we were in secondary school. She was a couple of years my junior, so we never had a reason to strike up a conversation. Almost a decade later, I started dating her cousin, and we started talking. I eventually married her cousin, so we moved from being friends to family. 

    Fatima always came across as someone who was lost. She’s the only child of parents who never married, so the family never really took her in as one of their own. They treated her like an outcast. I thought she was a lovely person who was judged based on other people’s prejudice. I took our relationship as family very seriously. 

    Since I was older, our friendship started off as me guiding her through life. I was answering her questions and helping with decisions she had to make. I shared intimate parts of my life with her. Even when her cousin and I separated, she was still in my life as a friend. She’d call multiple times a day, and we’d make out time to hang out.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    What changed? 

    Our first fight. One day in April (2022), she texted me to ask for my ex-boyfriend’s number. The ex was a guy I had dated after her cousin. I told her that I wondered why she was asking when she spoke to him regularly, and that’s when she started cursing me out. She said there was nothing special about my relationship with him, and if she wanted to sleep with him or take him away from me, she could. 

    I was completely shocked because my accusation that she was still talking to my ex was unfounded. I had no proof but just threw it out there because I noticed my ex had a lot more information about my life than I gave him. He knew about the new jobs I was working on, the people I was working with and other things I didn’t share with him. 

    There are three people I knew could have been responsible; a mutual friend of the ex and I who frankly doesn’t have our time, another friend of mine who doesn’t even respond to his messages, and Fatima. I thought if I brought it up, she’d deny it, but instead, it made her snap. That’s when a lot of things started to make sense; why she was always asking me extremely personal questions, and why my spirit was no longer in tune with hers. She was obsessed with my ex and our relationship.

    Did she ever show signs of this obsession? 

    I remember when she went out with my ex and I. Immediately she got home, she called her own boyfriend and broke up with him. She told me she saw the way my ex treated me, and it occurred to her that she could do better than what she currently had. It was weird because she didn’t acknowledge how much work I put into the relationship to get that kind of treatment. If you want more then you invest more time, energy, money and emotion. She based a life-changing situation on a one-day interaction. Who does that? I tried to not look too deeply into that situation because nobody wants to settle for less. I loved her too much to deep it like that. 

    So, she’d never done anything to hurt you before? 

    In 2018, we went to a club and met a guy and his friend. The friend happened to be a celebrity, but I was more interested in doing business with the guy. We all exchanged numbers, and she told me the guy was asking her out but she’d rather date the celebrity.

    The guy and I got really serious about work. He kept mentioning I shouldn’t bring up details of the contract with anybody. Secrecy is a big deal in the industry I work, so I didn’t think too much about it. Unfortunately, he just sent me a message telling me he had to terminate the contract. Money is not my biggest problem, so I took the loss and kept pushing. 

    February of 2022, we met at a work conference. After exchanging pleasantries, I brought up the fact that he terminated our contract. That’s when he told me he only did it because my “sister”, Fatima, had told him that if he was serious about her, he’d have to stop working so closely with me. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    That’s a lot. Did you confront her about it when he told you? 

    I didn’t. I just thought he was saying it to get into my good graces after terminating the contract. I wouldn’t just believe what a stranger has to say about her. Especially since I didn’t even know they were dating. 

    It was during the fight that she brought it up. She told me a friend of ours said I was sleeping with him. But when she confronted him, he showed chats as evidence that it was only work we discussed. Then, she told him to block off the contract if it truly was only work. 

    It’s funny how there were so many things she did to me, and I just kept disbelieving them because I didn’t believe my friend of 13 years would try things like that. 

    What else did she do? 

    She also insisted that I sent a spy to her house to keep tabs on her. The spy in question was my former assistant who I told Fatima I wanted to rehire in March. By January, Fatima had hired her. She told me that since I didn’t need the assistant during that period, she wanted to hire the babe. I agreed. Then, she asked the girl to move in with her to lessen her commute. I didn’t orchestrate the hiring or the meeting, so how was she my spy? 

    When Fatima fired the assistant based on the spy allegations, she told the babe it was because I convinced her to fire her. That I said she was a prostitute. The whole concept is bizarre to me because why will I randomly call my former assistant a prostitute? I never had that conversation with Fatima. Now, the babe thinks I was gossiping about her. 

    Our former friend also stopped talking to me for the same reason. There are a bunch of people who feel comfortable slandering me because of Fatima’s actions. 

    Why do you think she did all of this? 

    Obsession? Jealousy? Both? She’s actively trying to ruin my life, and I don’t understand why. I’ve never done anything to her or anyone she holds dear, so I don’t know why she’s doing all of these things. 

    Do you think you’d ever forgive her? 

    I’ve already forgiven her. I try not to hold negative things in my heart against anyone, but one thing I’ve learnt is to not allow just anyone in my personal space. I let this person have enough access to me and she felt comfortable disrespecting me like this. You can call someone your friend, but they end up being a wicked person who’s simply planning your downfall.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

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  • Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    To *Yinka, *Chioma was the closest friend she had in university, until she asked her to make a choice: Jesus or their friendship.   

    Chioma approached me in school after a workshop my department organised, and as we walked to the bus stop together, we talked about everything, from the classes we shared to the lessons we learnt. The next day, we both actively searched for the other person in class and walked home together after. Thus began our friendship. 

    We had exchanged numbers, so once we both went our separate ways, we picked up our conversation over the phone. Although we lived at opposite ends of campus, we’d walk each other to and fro, eventually choosing a middle point to depart. We were inseparable. 

    I would go over to Chioma’s house just so she could braid my hair. We’d also bake cupcakes and fry eggs with crayfish and noodles. Sometimes, we’d ditch classes to do these things, just so we could spend more time in each other’s company. 

    Since we took whatever chance we could to spend time with each other, I started going to her church. Not because I felt drawn to God, but because she was there, and religion made her happy, so I was going to suck it up. Unfortunately, that’s where the problems started. 

    The closer we got to one another, the more obvious how different we were became. Before, the snide comments she made about feminists were only met with eye rolls from me, but then it started causing little fights that would make us not speak to each other for hours. The fights never lasted longer than a couple of hours though. We’d rush back to apologise to one another, promising to never let it happen again, but it would happen again. In fact, it happened a lot of times. And the fights started moving from arguing about feminism to religion. 

    The longer I spent in the church, the more miserable I became. Sometimes, I’d snap at her about Christianity, and it would lead to more fights. When I started talking more about being bisexual, she said I could pray it away, and then, that led to even more fights. 

    One day during the holidays, she made a statement on her WhatsApp status about how homosexuality is wrong, and I texted to ask if it was directed at me. We had a long conversation that made me realise, nobody is going to come back begging this time. We had two different stances we weren’t going to budge on, so we just stopped talking. Maybe we were waiting for the other to apologise. 

    School resumed, and we still didn’t talk to each other. When Chioma did try to reach out, I asked her if she finally saw me as a human being. She told me I was asking her to make a choice, Jesus or me. I told her that if that’s how she saw it, then she should make the choice. I wasn’t the answer she chose. She said she’d always choose Jesus, and we’ve barely said more than three words to each other since then.  

    You were so different. How didn’t you know the relationship was going to end? 

    We were both lonely people, and I think we bonded over that loneliness. Unfortunately, we didn’t have much other than an insane love for one another. Love wouldn’t always be enough, and I learnt that the hard way. You have to understand each other. Make allowance for one another and communicate greatly and compromise. 

    The thing is, I love her so much. I was willing to forgive everything she’d ever do. It’s just the day we had that conversation on WhatsApp, I had hoped she’d pick my side. Me, the person she claimed she loved more than anything. 

    She told me she loved me but hated what I did. I tried so hard to explain to her that what I did was me. It’s not something I had a choice in just as much as she didn’t have a choice when she was breathing, but she didn’t listen to me. That’s why I asked her if she was choosing Jesus over me. She told me it wasn’t a choice, and that Jesus will always be number 1. That statement hurt more than it should have, but it finally gave me the push I needed to leave. We should have stopped being friends after the fights about feminism and Christianity, but I forgave her every single time. 

    We were never a good fit, and that’s okay. Her faith is important to her. I respect that, but my sexuality is important to me just as much. Before, I thought we could have had a middle ground. Now? Not really. 

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    How did you feel after you stopped talking? 

    A mess. Do you know how hard it is to break a routine? I had to physically stop myself from texting or calling her. I no longer knew what she was doing every time of the day. I’d see things we’d usually make inside jokes about, but I wasn’t able to share them with her. 

    When school resumed, I was still waking up early so I could go to her house before class. On occasion, I’d take walks close to her house because I was tempted to knock and ask her if she missed me the way I missed her. 

    What was the hardest part about seeing her in school? 

    Not being able to say hi. I felt like if I talk to her even once, I’d forget all the pain her statements caused me, and I’d move on. I couldn’t go back to being friends with someone who’s made it clear she doesn’t like a serious part of me. 

    How long has it been since the fight? 

    About three years. Almost four. We’ve had situations where we’ve had to talk because of assignments, but it wasn’t like how it was before, and I don’t think we’d ever get there again. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    What if she apologised? 

    I don’t know. I’d have to be sure there’s actual changed behaviour. We’ve apologised to each other a lot of times in the past, and still gone back to doing the things we didn’t like. I’d have to know she’s changed, and if she has? I’d probably cry. I’ve missed her and her smile. 

    Have you considered apologising? 

    Yes, the first few weeks I spent without her was miserable, but if I didn’t apologise then, I wouldn’t now. She stood her ground and made her choice. I did the same. I won’t apologise to someone for their own homophobia. 

    Do you think anything good came out of the ship sinking?

    I definitely do. Cutting her off was what I needed to help me figure myself out, in a space with no judgement and condescension. I’m a queer woman, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s also definitely not something I’d stop being because someone doesn’t like it. I’ll be queer till the day I die, and that’s just how it is. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

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  • Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    For *James, *Annabelle was his soulmate. Two years ago, he ruined his chance to keep her in his life forever, but blames his self-destructive behaviour for the loss of their relationship. Here is his story:

    In 2020, I complained to one of my best female friends that I needed a tall babe to come and scatter my life. She introduced me to Annabelle. 

    Annabelle and I didn’t start talking immediately, but we followed each other on Twitter and interacted on the TL once or twice. After one of those interactions, I sent her a DM to continue the discussion, and we just hit it off from there. The friendship progressed fast because she made it easy. Plus she was a lot, in a good way. She had so many layers, and I knew discovering them all would keep me busy for a long time. I liked that. 

    My mind always has about fifty tabs open at once, and sometimes, I’d just randomly throw conversations at her about the strangest things. She’d reply every single time. It’s not easy to find someone who’ll match your energy like that. 

    It’s funny how the whole point of us being introduced was to eventually date, but she wasn’t interested in that. At a point, I was, but I realised we were just going to be good friends. We’ve never met in person because our school schedules meant one of us was always in school, but online was fine. We’d call every day, and as life happened to me, Annabelle would be the first person I’d call to tell everything. I introduced her to all my friends online because she was someone I was proud to know and associate with. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sunken Ships

    When did everything change? 

    When the pandemic hit and lockdown happened, it was the first time both of us would spend an extended period with our individual families. I had a terrible relationship with my family, and I refused to acknowledge that she was going through things as well.

    We didn’t talk as much anymore. I neglected that she also had shit she was dealing with. She had more bad days than good, and she didn’t really have the time to talk to me as much. I felt ignored and acted out like a child. 

    I took my frustrations out on her and decided to end the friendship with the same impulse I started it with. 

    What exactly did you do? 

    I told her she wasn’t the same person I fell in love with and that wasn’t the kind of friendship I wanted. 

    Well, that’s the short version of it, because I sent her a very long message. Once she read it, she was just done.

    She was the only person who could keep me in check. I don’t really listen to anyone because I get coconut head, so most times when people try to talk to me, it’s like pouring water on a rock. But with her, I always listened. She tried to make sure I wasn’t unintentionally being a bad person, and it made me want to be better.

    She’d call me out on my bad behaviour and self-sabotaging ways, but she was tired of constantly doing that because I couldn’t do it myself. She doesn’t really forgive people after multiple strikes. Fuck up once and you’re done. 

    Did you regret the message? 

    Immediately I sent it, I realised it was a poorly phrased cry for help, but it was already too late. The damage had been done, and I had ruined one of the best things to ever happen to me. I had also ruined her birthday because I sent the message two days before it. It just spoiled her entire mood. 

    I’ve been regretting that message from that day till now. I should never have sent it, but I did, and I can’t take it back. 

    Did you reach out to her again? 

    It took me two years to finally reach out. I was thinking about the situation. I didn’t want to trigger her by coming back into her life, and I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. But then I realised that living without her wasn’t much of a life, so I spoke to her. 

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    Did she forgive you? 

    She did. She forgave me, but she told me that we’re different people than we were two years ago, and she’s not interested in whatever relationship I was offering.

    I know she’s no longer mad at me, but I want her back in my life too. I think of her every day, some days more than others, but she’s always on my mind. 

    What did you learn from all of this? 

    I don’t really like myself, and so I can’t treat people the way I treat myself. My friends and people I care about, I have to treat them much better than anyone else.

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    Itohan Esekheigbe

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