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  • Love Life: We Broke Up, But We Couldn’t Stay Away

    Love Life: We Broke Up, But We Couldn’t Stay Away

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Broke Up, But We Couldn’t Stay Away

    Ayo*, 26, and Joke*, 22, are classmates, roommates, best friends and ultimately lovers who have been together for over three years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about balancing a relationship with many intersections and not being able to stay broken up.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Ayo: I had just moved to a new school. I remember our class organised a freshers’ event that I attended. During the event, I saw someone distributing ice cream and cake to people in the room. She gave the people around me and skipped me. 

    Joke: You make me sound evil. 

    Ayo: I was wondering, “Why this?”

    Joke: LMAO. You know why.

    Ayo: Eventually, I asked and found out that I was supposed to pay for the event like my classmates. I wasn’t aware because I had not settled into school yet — I had other engagements taking my time, so I wasn’t always around. 

    I kept thinking about how beautiful she was, and I wanted to know more about her. That was when I started paying attention to her. 

    Joke: My earliest memory is different. It was our first day at school. We were all sitting in the lecture hall, waiting for the lecturer to come in. I am a very quiet person, especially in class. That day, I kept hearing someone’s loud voice. 

    Ayo: LMAO. Are you mad?

    Joke: Mind your business. That was my first impression of her. I was just thinking, “Who is this noisemaker?” I looked back and saw her. She had locs, but she packed it like cornrows and was wearing a nice dress. She was sitting in a group with her friends making noise. In my head, I was like, “Who are all these ones?” She is a direct entry student, so we had not met before that day. I didn’t get any queer vibes from her that day. 

    Then fast forward to the freshers’ night. When I was serving the people around her, I saw the shock on her face, and I realised she wasn’t aware of the payment thing. Plus, she kept staring at me. I thought, “This is not normal staring,” so I kept passing, trying to steal glances. After I finished serving everyone, I took a cup of ice cream to her. I did not care whether she deserved it or not, but she left this part out of her story oh. 

    Ayo: LMAO.

    Do you remember when you started talking? 

    Ayo: We were grouped together for practicals and our results were completely different from the other groups’.

    The next day, she came to my room. She had texted me before, but I did not reply. I think I was reading or something. She asked what result we were going to report. I told her we should report exactly what we got. After that incident, I saved her number. 

    Joke: We were even supposed to be roommates. 

    Were? What happened? 

    Joke: When we got to school, we knew we were supposed to pick roommates. I already had my own set of friends, but they told us to group ourselves in 5s. So we were looking for two extra people to make our room complete. I knew that our classmates who were in 100 level with us were already grouped, so I wanted people from direct entry.

    That was how I got her number. Some people spoke to her and thought she was cool compared to other direct entry students. Before I could propose being roommates to her, someone told me that another person had asked her first, and she had agreed. I even saved her number as Ayo DE. 

    Ayo: LMAO. Wow. 

    LMAO. Tell me about when you both became a thing. 

    Joke: After the whole thing with our practicals, she remained on my contact list. I could see her WhatsApp status, and she could see mine, but we never talked. My partner at the time told me she got queer vibes from her. I was excited because I wanted more queer friends – people I could talk to. 

    I remember one time she came up to me while I was chilling in front of the library and asked why I was there alone. I told her I wanted to clear my head. I asked her why she was there too, and we slipped into a conversation. At some point, she asked about my partner. I asked if my partner could be a girl or a boy, and she said yes.

    That was the day I confirmed that she was queer too. Another time, she posted something about being sad on her WhatsApp status, and I reached out to her about it. I found out that she was having some issues with school, so I invited her to go get ice cream. Ice cream helps me relax. She agreed to it even though she doesn’t like ice cream. I will let her continue from here because I know she has a lot to say. 

    Ayo: So, it’s not like I don’t like ice cream. It’s just that after a few spoons, I get tired. It was nice that she suggested it, and I enjoyed myself. She eventually ate more than half of the ice cream because I was wasting it and she doesn’t like waste. Do you know during that whole friendship date, she was on her phone texting? 

    Joke: Ahn ahn. 

    Wow. Joke, I’m side-eyeing you.

    Ayo: We talked sha. It was mostly her wanting to be a good friend to me and take my mind off things. During this period, I was paying more attention to her, catching feelings on the low. Apart from this ice cream thing, anytime I texted her, she would air me for like 12 hours before replying.

    I eventually figured she was in a relationship and took a step back. But somehow we got closer. We started studying together and sitting together in class. I wanted to be friends… or maybe I didn’t. When I want something, I go after it, but I wasn’t going to intrude on her relationship, so I was being a friend. I think things took a turn when she started having issues with the person she was with at that time, and she would come to my room to talk about it. 

    Joke: Nobody else understood the whole being queer thing. 

    Ayo: Yeah. So we got closer. She would stay in my roommate’s bed and study with me. Eventually, they broke up. That night, she asked me to come to her room. I stayed on her bed, but I could see she was sad. 

    Joke: This wasn’t a romantic thing oh. 

    Ayo: On her part. On my part, I liked her, but I was respecting her relationship. She was always giving me ela whenever I brought up romance. That night, I asked if I should sleepover, and when she said no, I carried myself to my room. I don’t know when we eventually moved from friendship to romance. One day she was saying no and the next day, her tongue was in my mouth. 

    LMAO. Wait. How did it escalate like that?

    Ayo: I actually can’t remember because we were always together in my room. I think it happened randomly after we had spent so much time together and decided to stop fooling around. After we kissed, I knew we had gone beyond friends, so I asked her out, but she aired me again. 

    Na wa. Tell me how you asked her out.

    Ayo: I was on my bed texting her. LMAO. I said, “I think I love you, and I want you to be my girlfriend”. She laughed.

    Joke: LOL. She makes me sound like a bad person. It was unexpected. She told me she had something to say, but we play a lot, so I was expecting something silly. When she said it, it was a nervous laugh. She felt bad and turned towards the wall. I was trying to explain to her that I was just nervous but no.

    I feel like my grandkids are going to hear that I laughed when she asked me out. I took my time to respond because I was trying to process what happened with my ex. I wasn’t actively trying to get into another relationship. I needed space. 

    So, how did the relationship eventually start? 

    Ayo: It was around my birthday. I usually make staycation plans with myself at a hotel of my choice. This time, I asked her to come with me.

    Wawu. 

    Ayo: She wrote me a long letter which read: “You are officially not allowed to see other people”. 

    Awww. How long have you two been together now?

    Ayo: 3 years, 3 months and 4 days. After the first year, we stayed in the same room. At some point, we were even bunkmates. So, we are not just dating, we are friends, roommates, classmates and best friends.  

    Wow. Do you remember your biggest fight? 

    Ayo: LMAO.

    Joke: LOL.

    Ah! Go on…

    Ayo: In 2019, we had a lot of communication issues. We actually broke up. Other people were taking our attention. She had someone she was talking to, and I had someone I was talking to too. This caused a lot of fights between us, which lasted for months. But when you have invested so much into a relationship, especially when you are dating your best friend, it is difficult to walk away from everything.

    At that time, we had been dating for two years. In the lesbian world, that is like ten years. We are best friends, so even when we weren’t being romantic partners, we always had a friendship. We wanted to make sure we had given our all to this relationship, so we decided to try again. It’s been good since then. 

    Joke, do you remember the exact incident that led to the breakup?

    Joke: It was a lot of things, but I think at the time, school was extra difficult for both of us, and it affected our relationship. We did not get to spend as much time together because we were in different postings. It was mentally tasking, and we both didn’t do well with it.

    It was weird for us because we usually found a balance between our school life and our relationship. This left room for us to start talking to other people who were available to us at the time. Imagine coming back from work after a shitty day and taking out your anger on your partner who is sad about something else. It leads to a fight and you both are not talking to each other. It became easier to talk to someone else about what was going on at the time.

    This brought up a lot of communication issues that made things worse. Being in a relationship for two years, not having any major fights didn’t help when these things started happening.

    That sounds rough.

    Joke: Even after we broke up, we kept coming back to each other and eventually realised we couldn’t be apart. As she said, it’s hard to stay mad at your lover when they are also your best friend. I think that was what helped us get back together. We were able to understand what the other person was going through. Being apart didn’t work out so we decided to stay together. 

    How long did the breakup last? 

    Ayo: About four months, but we stayed in touch. 

    What did you learn about each other during that situation?

    Joke: The break was good for me because I learnt how to communicate better with her. One of our major issues was that I had poor communication skills. I prefer to walk away rather than talk, and she is someone that likes to talk. She also fixed her boundary issues that I was not cool with. At the point we realised we could work on these things, we decided to give it a second try.

    Ayo: I learnt that when she is going through something, she turns to distractions to take her mind off it. A distraction could be a person. I learnt to always be there for her and get her to talk even though she doesn’t want to. We have a lot of difficult conversations.

    She likes to know she has me in her corner and no one is taking her place. I am the kind of person that forms strong connections with people. When I like people, I talk to them a lot. She complained I had boundary issues and so I communicated my relationships with her. We learnt to work on things because they will always be other people, so we had to sit and sort it out.

    What is your favourite thing about each other?  

    Ayo: I love that when she sets her mind to do something, she just does it. Since we have been together, I’ve watched her start her business, chase one job or the other. She can talk about wanting something and within the next week, she has achieved it. 

    Joke: I know she is talking about life goals and determination, but I love her eyes and her smile. I have always told her this. Sometimes I am mad at her and I see those eyes and I feel calmer. She has really pretty eyes, and I like her smile, especially when she is smiling at me. 

    Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10.

    Joke: 9, the 1 is for when she is annoying me. 

    Ayo: Same. Because she can be really annoying. 

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Mariam Sule

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  • Love Life: We Kept Finding Our Way Back To Each Other

    Love Life: We Kept Finding Our Way Back To Each Other

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Kept Finding Our Way Back To Each Other

    Victor, 31, and Wendy, 29, have been married for three years, and they’ve been friends since they were kids. For today’s Love Life, they talk about finding their way back to each other amidst exes, distance and bad decisions. 

    What’s your earliest memory of your partner?

    Victor: I think I was 11 in JSS 2, and she was in primary school. We had some joint events, so I used to see her around. She was tiny, quiet and had big eyes. I thought she was cute.

    Wendy: I saw him around the school too. I was in Primary 6, and his class was a floor above the primary school at the time. 

    Do you remember the first time you interacted?

    Victor: I’m not sure when the first time was exactly, but I figure it was during one of the joint events. I know I definitely saw her at one of the Christmas parties and we spoke, or at the very least, I spoke to her sister. 

    Wendy: LMAO. It was definitely through my sister. She used to come to pick me up, so she became friends with some of the guys in the secondary school. Victor was one of them, and that’s how I knew his name. 

    LMAO. Just friends?

    Wendy: LMAO. Yeah, just friends. I think Victor had a crush on her, but she’s five years older than him. He was in JSS 2, and she had already finished secondary school. I think she just thought he was cute, and he really was.

    How did things go after you started interacting?

    Victor: The relationship was pretty much non-existent for the first few years. I used to smile and say hi whenever I saw her around, but we never really talked. I think we started properly talking when I was in university, and it was on Facebook.

    Wendy: From Facebook, we moved to Twitter. Then I came back to Nigeria during my first year of university and we hung out for the first time in the cinema. He had a girlfriend then, and I was talking to someone, so we were just hanging out as friends. 

    That didn’t stop it from being weird when his girlfriend saw us together in the cinema. To be fair, he wasn’t answering her calls. He used to be very toxic, so I think he was tired of the relationship and was trying to get her to break up with him by frustrating her.

    Victor: Wait. It’s not like I’m saying I wasn’t toxic then, but she’s definitely embellishing the story. I had originally tried to make plans with my girlfriend earlier in the day, and she had said she was unavailable. 

    I told her I’d make other plans, and I think she misread it as me being upset and then started overtalking the issue. It ended up pissing me off, so I went out with Wendy. I wasn’t even ignoring her; I was watching a movie and couldn’t answer her calls.

    I tried to text her instead, but she kept trying to call me. It was annoying. Then she came to the cinema and tried to make it a big deal that I had gone with someone else. Anyway, that relationship had run its course, and I was just reluctant to end it. 

    Ah. I’m not touching that. When did you realise feelings had been caught?

    Victor: Well…

    This is for Wendy, please. You’ve clearly been in love since.

    Victor: Omo. This is actually a big lie. I fell in love with her one week before our wedding. I didn’t know this babe. She was just sitting on the bench, waiting for her turn, and I was like, “Oya! Let’s see what you can do.”

    Wendy: LMAO. Don’t mind him. Victor definitely liked me first. While I was in Nigeria, I got into a relationship for a bit, and when I went back to England, Victor started telling me, “I fancy ya” and “I want to be with ya”. I was like, “I have a boyfriend. Fuck off.”

    The guy and I eventually broke up because the relationship was a sham. The next time I visited Nigeria, Victor was already in a relationship, but he still almost got into a fight with my ex at a barbecue. 

    Ah. Why?

    Wendy: I had stupidly told him that Victor liked me, so there was just this weird energy between them. Anyway, I don’t think I actually started liking Victor until a few years later, when I fully moved back to Nigeria after university.

    I was single and ready to mingle. So one night, I said I wanted to go clubbing and Victor said he’d come meet me at the club. We made out for the first time, and that’s when I knew I liked him too. 

    Victor: Omo. See lies. Just lies, lies and lies. 

    Wendy: LMAO. Are you mad?

    LMAO. Where did she lie now?

    Victor: See, I knew she was a fine girl, but I didn’t give it much thought because the circumstances didn’t make sense. We were rarely in the same country for any proper stretch of time, and even when we were, one or both of us were in relationships.

    I do remember telling her that I thought she was fine and cool, but it wasn’t in an “I love you” or “I want to be with you” kind of way. To be honest, we still didn’t really know ourselves like that.

    What about her ex you almost fought?

    Victor: LMAO. I was unavailable at the time, so she went to find a lite version of me — Victor lite — and that’s how she ended up in a relationship. She now went to tell him that I liked her, and even though I wasn’t trying to move to her, he was jealous.

    I actually can’t remember which barbecue she is talking about, but I was a very aggressive youth so that probably happened. Anyway, when I became single again, I finally decided to make my move because I could see a lot of men circling.

    I threw my hat into the ring, and it was pretty straightforward from there. 

    Wendy: Wow. Now, who is lying? This guy ghosted me after our first makeout session in the club. He wasn’t picking up my calls or responding to my messages. I even called his roommate, but that one didn’t give him the phone. I just freed it. 

    We eventually had a conversation, and he said he was trying to get back with his ex. I was like, “Cool,” but I was obviously mad. Then about a month later, he came back and said it didn’t work with his ex. They had tried for a week, but he wasn’t into it anymore. 

    LMAO. Wow. Victor, what the hell?

    Victor: Ok. Fine. It wasn’t so straightforward. I was still hung up on my ex at the time, and I really wanted to give that relationship one more chance. I wasn’t optimistic, but I don’t think I would have been able to go into this relationship still thinking, “What if?”

    It was while I was trying to make it work with my ex that I realised how foolish I was. The issues that caused us to break up in the first place were still there, and I became more sure of what I wanted from a relationship. So, I ran back begging. I went all out. 

    Wendy: He practically asked me to marry him. 

    Victor: She is a detty liar. I sha told her I was finally ready, and I was willing to wait for her to be ready too. In her mind, it took her like three weeks to agree, but in reality, I knew I had washed her. She was in love again.

    LMAO. Wendy, how exactly did he wash you?

    Wendy: My birthday came up around that time, and he got me a huge old school iPod and put Drake’s “Own It” on it. He got me a lovely necklace that I still have, even though he always wears it now. He also got me headphones.

    So, Victor does this thing where if he buys you a gift, he makes sure you have everything to enjoy that gift. Like, if he gets you an iPhone, he’ll also get you Apple Music subscription for a year. It’s so thoughtful.

    I was also about to go to NYSC camp, so he went to Balogun Market by himself and bought every single thing I needed — from the white T-shirts to the fanny pack. I was like, “OK. Fine. You’ve won.” Once I came back from camp, we became official. 

    How was the relationship at the beginning?

    Victor: I think we were very lucky. We were at similar stages in our life in the sense that we were both still growing. We had the most fights in our relationship very early on, and we also had the most arguments. We talked about everything. 

    She was very vocal about her feminist ideals, and I didn’t always get it. I wouldn’t say I was the most toxic nigga around, but I remember us having this argument about making decisions in the household. 

    I was still very Christian then, so it didn’t make any sense to me that the man of the house would not have at least 51% of the say. Thankfully, she was very patient with me, and I was able to unlearn and grow. 

    How long did you guys date before you got married?

    Victor: We started dating end of 2013, got engaged at the beginning of 2017 and got married in December 2017. I remember us having conversations about marriage two years into the relationship, and I was concerned because I thought she was too young.

    It’s funny because she’s just two years younger than me, but I always feel old. For me, it was very important that she didn’t blindly rush into a lifetime commitment. I was already willing to die there, and thankfully, she convinced me she wanted the same thing.

    Wendy, how did getting married change the dynamic of your relationship?

    Wendy: Honestly, I think we were acting married before we got married. My friends would call me Abokoku (in Yoruba, it means someone who wants to die with their husband) and they still do. Victor always gave me that same energy.

    He made it okay for us to unapologetically simp over each other. I’m the kind of person that is happy to form for you if you’re forming for me. With Victor, he never formed. Early stages of the relationship, he was already pooping and farting in front of me. 

    We were friends first, so that kind of carried on into the relationship. The only thing that has changed is that we now live together and are on each other’s necks all the time. We’ve also become a lot more mature in terms of communication.

    So, no more fights?

    Wendy: The last time we had a shouting argument was probably 2018. We had the worst round of fights in 2017 when we were planning our wedding. Since then, we made a decision to never have those kinds of fights again.

    Now, it’s very common for us to be mad at each other, and each person will go into their room to calm down. Then we have a conversation right after. That way we don’t get to heightened levels of anger. 

    That sounds great.

    Wendy: Yeah. Then in terms of expectations for marriage, we don’t have any regarding the way a wife or husband is supposed to behave, and that has definitely helped. We also don’t have kids, and we don’t plan to have them this year or the next. 

    So, we are basically just best friends who live together and have sex.

    Victor: LMAO. That’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted my own person that I could do life with and build my family with. I’m not even talking about kids when I think of a family. I just wanted my own unit, and Wendy has given me that. 

    I think we are very good together and very good for each other.

    That’s so sweet. What do you love the most about each other?

    Wendy: I know it sounds extremely cliche, but it’s difficult to pick just one thing I love about Victor. We’ve been together for 8 years now, and I still can’t get over how kind and thoughtful he is. 

    He is extremely friendly, very funny and very beautiful. He is my big teddy bear. We also work together a lot, and I like seeing the contrast between how professional and assertive he is at work and how goofy he is with me. 

    I love that I get to experience every aspect and facet of him.

    Victor: I love that she thinks of me. A lot of times, I feel like I get so focused on doing right by everyone else that I forget to look out for myself. So, it’s reassuring to know that there’s someone always looking out for me. 

    She’s fantastic. She’s very kind, and she teaches me every day to be more empathetic. She says I’m very thoughtful, but that’s really just her rubbing off on me. I love that her inner beauty matches the very evident beauty on the outside as well.

    It’s very easy to fall in love with Wendy. You can ask all her hoes and office people. 

    I’ll take your word for it. What do you see when you think of your future together?

    Victor: When I imagine us in the future, all I see is enjoyment. I see us flourishing and thriving side by side. Do I see kids? Maybe. Maybe one. Maybe two. Maybe none. I sha see her, and that’s the most important thing. Everything else is jara. 

    Wendy: We haven’t decided if we’re gonna have kids, but if we are, it’s going to be when we leave this country. We’ll probably have two or three. . .

    Victor: THREE? From where?

    Wendy: We always say two or three now.

    Victor: Ah. I’ve been saying one or two all my life.

    Wendy: LMAO. Fine. Two. I’ll push one out and decide what is happening with the other one. 

    LMAO. You guys are killing me.

    Wendy: With or without kids, I see us living our lives as unapologetically as possible. I see us evolving together and as individuals. I also see a lot of wealth. I’m saying it now oh.

    Victor: You’re manifesting it?

    Wendy: YES! I see a lot of wealth and enjoyment. I see us continuing to live our lives in a way that is not dictated by what society says we should be doing. We did away with religion since. Thank God!

    Victor: LMAO. Thank who?

    Wendy: LMAO. That was a Freudian slip. Anyway, we did away with religion and I think we are better for it. I’d also like to note that Victor and I are not intentional about our relationship in the way that many couples are.

    Like, we don’t do quarterly assessments and all of that. It’s just vibes.

    Victor: LMAO. I mean, we are intentional about some things, like loving each other and respecting each other.

    Wendy: Yeah, the basics, but it’s mostly vibes. 

    LMAO. How would you rate this relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Wendy: 10 out of 10.

    Victor: A solid 9 out of 10. Gotta leave room for more.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    NerdEfiko

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  • Love Life: Three Doesn’t Have To Be A Crowd

    Love Life: Three Doesn’t Have To Be A Crowd

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: Three Doesn’t Have To Be A Crowd

    Damola*, 28, has been dating Robyn*, 27, and Imani*, 25, for a few months now. For today’s Love Life, they discuss navigating jealousy in a non-monogamous relationship and how honesty makes it all work.

    What’s your first memory of your partner(s)?

    Damola: Let me answer this chronologically. My first memory of Robyn was at one of the #EndSARS protests. I was chilling with my guys in my car when a friend brought her over. 

    She was looking for company because she had come alone. She sat in the car for a bit, but she didn’t say a word. To be fair, we were all talking about sex. I thought she was cute, but I didn’t pay much attention until we bumped into each other weeks later.

    My first memory of Imani was in a Clubhouse room. I saw her face and knew I had to find her Instagram. I followed her as soon as I did, and she followed me back. After a few days, we were FaceTiming. 

    Robyn: I had been going to the protests for about a week by myself, so I reached out to a friend. That’s how I ended up in Damola’s car. I remember him talking about liking bumbum, so I didn’t think he was focused. 

    I ran out of the car after two minutes.

    Imani: My first memory of Damola was on Instagram. He followed me, I checked out his profile and thought he was pretty cute. He messaged me, and things just kind of picked up from there.

    When did you realise you were into each other?

    Damola: It was definitely after the first conversation with both of them. For Robyn, it was on our first date. For Imani, it was over FaceTime. I can usually tell I like someone from how much we have to say to each other.

    I’m drawn to women who teach me things, and I learnt a lot from both of them the first time we spoke. They were very interesting conversations — the kind where you completely lose track of time. 

    Robyn: I found him intriguing after our first conversation, and as time went on, I realised how attentive and caring he was. He wasn’t like those sleazy Lagos guys who change their personality to get a babe. He was consistent.

    Imani: I can’t pinpoint exactly when I realised I was into Damola. I remember telling him I only wanted to be friends, and he was really cool about it. We continued talking, and I just found myself falling for him.

    Damola, how would you define these relationships?

    Damola: I think, primarily, they are friendships. I’m friends with both of them, and as with most friendships, there are similarities and differences. Then on top of that, there’s a sexual and romantic nature to them.

    I struggle with defining what romance is, but I know I enjoy it and am good at it. I genuinely see them as my good friends, and I also just happen to be very attracted to both of them.

    Robyn, do you agree with that definition?

    Robyn: Yeah. When we first met, I asked him what love looks like to him, and he said, “Friendship”. So, yeah, we’ve been really good friends. This will sound corny, but I think he might actually be my best friend. 

    Imani, what about you?

    Imani: Yeah. Damola’s definition is pretty accurate.

    Damola, is this kind of romantic situation new for you?

    Damola: Not really. I’ve been non-monogamous for the past two years, but what is new is feeling this level of comfort with my partners. With them, I don’t need to worry about my intentions being misunderstood.

    I mean, the fact they even agreed to this interview says it all.

    Robyn and Imani, is non-monogamy new for you?

    Robyn: Yeah. This is definitely all new to me, but it was surprisingly easy to accept. At this point in my life, I don’t want to feel caged by anyone or anything. 

    His honesty was also very refreshing. I asked him to always tell me about his other women, and he does. That made me feel comfortable with the whole thing. I never want to feel or look crazy, so I’d just rather know. 

    Imani: The concept is new to me too, but I find it freeing, non-possessive and non-controlling. That’s everything I’m running towards right now. I’m trying to stay away from relationships that make me feel trapped.

    Damola, so you told Robyn about Imani when you met?

    Damola: Not instantly. I just talk about my life in passing and things come up organically. I think I was talking to my sister about Imani, and Robyn was there. 

    For context, I’m generally paranoid about getting into relationships like these because I never know how much honesty women actually want. So when they say, “I can deal with this,” I’m usually sceptical. 

    Robyn reassured me that she was fine with hearing about it, and that made me comfortable, Since then, I’ve been pretty open about it. I talk to Robyn about Imani the same way I’d talk about any other friend.

    Robyn, is jealousy something you’ve had to navigate?

    Robyn: No, I wouldn’t say I’ve dealt with jealousy, but something new happened recently. Damola and I have been spending a lot of time together in the past couple of months, so it was odd not seeing him for a while.

    I wouldn’t call it jealousy. I was just missing my friend. 

    Damola, why didn’t you see Robyn for a while?

    Damola: There was an expectation that I would be spending a lot of time with Imani. We hadn’t met in real life before, and she flew in from Canada to see me. So, we’ve been hanging out a lot before she leaves.

    Robyn: To be fair, I was actively avoiding him too. I didn’t want him to feel weird about any of it. I’m travelling out of town for a bit, and it’s one of the reasons why. 

    I figure he won’t have to worry about spending time with me, so he can just enjoy these weeks with Imani. If I’m around, he’ll be worrying about me feeling lonely, and I don’t want that.

    That’s sweet. Imani, so you actually flew in for Damola?

    Imani: Yeah. That was like 80% of my reason. The other 20% was me needing a change of pace in the middle of this pandemic. I wanted to escape Canada for a bit. 

    Damola, how does long-distance work?

    Damola: It just does. Imani and I are typically in front of our computers for work, so we just always have each other on FaceTime — we don’t even need to be talking. That’s how we spend time together. 

    How does this differ from your relationship with Robyn?

    Damola: I don’t really think about differences between both relationships, but I’d say the most obvious way it differs is that Imani and I actually spend most of the time we’re together talking. 

    Imani: To be fair, that’s because we can’t have sex for most of it.

    Damola: LMAO. True. Anyway, I don’t feel like the distance diminishes the value of the relationship at all. But that could also be because, in my head, I know it won’t be long-distance forever.

    I plan to split my time between Lagos and Canada.

    Wait. Are you doing that for Imani?

    Damola: Nah. It’s something I’ve always planned to do.

    Oh ok. So, how do you typically manage your time?

    Damola: I’m just very good at time management. It also helps that I’m genuinely friends with the women I’m with, and as a result, they become friendly with my other friends.

    So, even when we can’t make time to hang out alone, we can all just hang out in groups. I think managing my time and relationships, both platonic and romantic, just comes naturally to me.

    As I get busier with work, I’ll probably have less time for as many people, but I don’t think that affects me being non-monogamous. It’s what anyone who has many friends will have to do at the end of the day.

    Do you think about what this looks like long term?

    Damola: I do expect the relationships to evolve, but I don’t really have conventional ideas  about relationships. For example, I don’t think about marriage. I doubt that will change.

    I don’t have any picture of the future that is fundamentally different from what we have now. The one thing I hope is that no matter what happens, we remain friends. 

    Imani: I’m not thinking too far ahead because everything in life is pretty uncertain. I don’t know what could be different down the line, but hopefully, we’ll still be good friends.

    Robyn: To think about this long term would be to ignore the very foundation this was built on. So, no, I definitely don’t sit around and think about what the future holds. 

    At any point, if either of us wants to stop with the romantic and sexual aspects, that’d be fine. We should still be able to maintain a friendship because that was the whole point of this in the first place.

    How is this relationship different from your past ones?

    Imani: Besides it being a non-monogamous situation, it’s more open and honest than any relationship I’ve ever been in. My past relationships were also very controlling, and this is nothing like that.

    Robyn: I’m starting to sound repetitive, but it’s the honesty for me. I never used to believe guys when they swore they were being honest, but that’s not the case with Damola.

    Damola: I’m less paranoid than I usually am. I’m not expecting anyone to try and spring monogamy on me. It helps that I met both of them at a time when the last thing they wanted was for a man to try and own them.

    Damola, do you need or want the women in your lives to interact?

    Damola:  I don’t care. If they want to, that’s fine, but I don’t need them to. This interview is actually the first time they are interacting. The relationships are separate and have nothing to do with each other.

    Robyn and Imani, do you feel the need to interact with each other?

    Imani: I don’t feel the need to interact with Robyn or anyone else Damola is seeing. Not because of any ill intent towards them, but because it doesn’t affect what we have.

    Robyn: I don’t feel the need either. Not at all. 

    Are both of you currently seeing or open to seeing other people?

    Imani: I’m not currently seeing anyone else at the moment, but I’m not opposed to it. I mean, I’m not actively looking but if I met someone else that I liked, I would date them. 

    Robyn: I’m not either. If I meet someone I like, I guess I’ll just have the conversation with Damola. This situation doesn’t come with an instruction manual, so I’m winging it. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

    What do you like the most about each other?

    Damola: It’s a bunch of things. I like that they teach me things. I like that they are both risk takers. I also like that they aren’t held back by society’s expectations of them. They are also super hot — I like that a lot. 

    Imani: I like Damola’s mind and the way it works. If it didn’t work the way it did, he probably wouldn’t be as honest, open, intelligent and easy to talk to. So, yeah, it’s his mind for me. 

    Robyn: I don’t think I can pick just one thing. I like being around him, spending time with him, picking his brain and just talking for hours. I like everything about him.

    How would you rate this relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Imani: So far, it’s been 10/10. I haven’t had any issues, so I think that’s a fair rating. Awkward if it’s not the same for him.

    Damola: If you think they’re not both getting 10/10, then you must think I’m a stupid man.

    Robyn: Looks like we have 10s across the board. 

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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  • Love Life: My Father Doesn’t Want Me To Marry A Yoruba Man

    Love Life: My Father Doesn’t Want Me To Marry A Yoruba Man

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: My Father Does Not Want Me To Marry A Yoruba Man

    Tunji*, 32, and Ezinne*, 28, knew they wanted to get married a week after they met. Now, they are engaged, but Ezinne’s father refuses to give his blessing to a Yoruba man. For today’s Love Life, they discuss how their faith has helped them through it.

    What’s your first memory of meeting your partner?

    Ezinne: It was a Saturday in June 2020. I was heading to work, and I sat at the back of the bus. Before I got down, he tried to strike up a conversation. It was a very hot day, so I was wondering how anyone could still have the energy to be toasting someone.

    Anyway, we spoke for a bit, and he asked for my number. It’s not like he wowed me or anything, but I gave it to him. I honestly didn’t think it would lead anywhere.

    Tunji: I will never forget meeting Ezinne for the first time. Some might call it coincidence or chance, but I know it was God’s divine orchestration. I was meant to go for an early meeting that day, but I ended up delaying it. We wouldn’t have met if I didn’t.

    I can’t even call what we had love at first sight. It was more than that. After we exchanged numbers, we spoke non-stop; our connection was undeniable. We knew exactly where the relationship was going within a week.

    Omo. Ezinne, was it this intense for you too?

    Ezinne: At first, no. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious at the time; I just wanted to focus on God. After just a week of talking, however, I knew I wanted us to be together forever. 

    I’ve spoken to guys for months without it going anywhere, but in a few days, Tunji proved to be everything I’d been looking for. We also bonded over our Christian values, so it was very easy to go from there.

    Where exactly did you guys go from there?

    Ezinne: After that first week, the next move was telling my pastor about him. We had previously prayed about me meeting my spouse; I just didn’t know it was going to happen so soon.

    It wasn’t even about meeting our parents for us, it was about meeting the spiritual authorities in each other’s lives. Then we started praying together. We’ve been doing that every night since July, except when we have a fight. 

    Tunji: After we met each other’s pastors, we went to meet our parents. This all happened within a month of meeting each other. It was an eventful couple of weeks, but we knew we wanted the relationship to go all the way.

    How did your parents react?

    Ezinne: Meeting his parents was awesome. They were so nice, I wished they were mine. Meeting my dad, on the other hand, was horrible. Tunji would never say that because he loves my parents, but my dad was awful to him.

    He came alone for the normal “I saw a flower in your garden” visit, and my dad began to lecture this 32-year-old man that marriage is not for kids. Then when he found out Tunji is a teacher, he asked how he would be able to feed me and afford school fees.

    My dad insulted his life and destiny. He seemed offended that Tunji would even come to indicate any kind of interest. It was hell, but Tunji was cool throughout all of this. He just promised to come to see my dad again.

    Tunji: I really didn’t think his initial reaction was out of the ordinary. It’s something any father could do to protect his daughter. At some point, I thought the questions were becoming a little too personal for the first visit, but I still didn’t feel bad about it.

    I figured he wanted to know if I was ambitious enough to take care of his daughter.

    Ezinne: LMAO. Do you see? My fiancé is too nice about all of this. He is as cool as a cucumber. He’s the peace in the storm, while I am fire and brimstone. I think that’s why we fit together so well. 

    Wait. Your “fiancé”? You guys are engaged?

    Ezinne: LMAO. Yeah. We never actually dated. There was no “Will you be my girlfriend?” moment. It was more like, “I want to plan my life with you.” If you ask him, he’ll probably say he proposed to me since July, less than a month after we met.

    There was no ring at first. He didn’t see the need. He had made his intentions clear, so he didn’t think there was a point to all that extra fanfare. On my end, I had also started behaving like I was engaged.

    Then for my birthday, about three months later, he planned an official proposal with my very close friend. He went on his knees, pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him. I honestly didn’t know I needed a ring until I got one.

    Wow. Did your family think things were moving too fast?

    Ezinne: To be honest, my father has given every reason under the sun as to why Tunji isn’t the right man for me. He was still using, “You just met this guy,” even after seven months of constant visits, but the real reason is clear: he isn’t Igbo.

    Tunji: My family didn’t think it was too early. At the time, our plan was to get married between February and March of 2021, about nine months after we met, and they were in full support of that.

    Ezinne, when did you find out what your dad’s real issue was?

    Ezinne: If I remember my dad’s story correctly, he started out in one tiny room with no money. So, he was broke in the beginning — broker than my fiancé — but my mum still gave him a chance. That’s how I began suspecting money wasn’t the real issue.

    Then one day, he called me to say he is just trying to protect me. He said Yoruba people don’t like us, and he isn’t going to be responsible for what happens to me if I marry one of them. That’s when everything became clear.

    Damn. So, what about the plan to get married around March 2021?

    Ezinne: LMAO. Plan? In fact, Tunji and I just came out of a very big fight because of this date. I was really looking forward to getting married in March — I had even started sewing my dress — but it’s not happening.

    The last time Tunji went to see my dad, he ran to the bathroom. He didn’t come back out.

    Tunji: I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve gone to see Ezinne’s father. I remember he was really upset the second time I brought up marriage, so I gave him a bit of space. 

    The most receptive he’s ever been was when I went with my brother. He wasn’t feeling well that day, but he was quite accommodating. That made me optimistic that he was finally coming around. 

    Wait. Ezinne, why did you and Tunji fight over the date? 

    Ezinne: I hate remembering the fight because it’s not like we’ve settled it; I just had to move on. Tunji had promised me that even if my parents didn’t consent, we would go ahead and get married in March. 

    So, I brought it up at the start of January, and he said we would still have to wait until my parents agreed. I was like, “If you love me, you should be ready to go to court and marry me without our parents.” I mean, we are both over 18.

    He said he can’t kidnap me from my dad, and I was just there like, “KIDNAP ME, SIR!”

    Tunji: I really believe we will get their consent in due time. I have faith that we will. I don’t want it to get to that point where we get married without their approval, but Ezinne and I will make that decision if the need arises. I just don’t think it will.

    Ezinne, do you think your dad is warming up to the idea?

    Ezinne: LMAO. That’s the funny thing about all of this. It’s almost like there is demonic activity going on. For Igbo families, there’s something called “knocking on the door” — the Iku Uka — before the introduction, and Tunji already did that with his brother.

    My dad seemed very open that day. They even laughed and watched TV together. Everything seemed fine, but for whatever reason, he is back to being difficult. So, no, I don’t think I can say he is warming up to the idea. 

    Na wa. How has all of this friction affected your relationship?

    Ezinne: It’s been tough, and the fact that we are celibate isn’t making it any easier. Whenever I’m in pain and crying about this whole issue, I just want to jump on him and have sex.

    Oh? You guys are celibate?

    Tunji: Yes. It’s a decision we made together. It’s been tough, but we know it’s necessary for the kind of relationship we are trying to build. Ezinne is a beautiful woman, and I’m very attracted to her, but I know it’s going to be worth the wait. 

    Ezinne: Before Tunji and I met, I had been celibate for a little over a year, so sex was the last thing on my mind. I had just gotten closer to God, and I was no longer interested in having sex before marriage.

    Thankfully, he was on the exact same page as me regarding the whole celibacy thing. It was refreshing that I didn’t have to convince him to wait until marriage. That doesn’t mean it’s not been hard oh.

    We used to make out at first, but we started counselling in my church and one of the rules is that we cannot go over to each other’s houses. That has definitely made it easier to stay in check, but it’s still tough. 

    What are the other rules in counselling?

    Ezinne: They are pretty annoying rules to be honest. I mean, how can you tell me not to visit my man? LMAO. Basically, we are not allowed to be alone together. If we want to see, we have to go out on a date. 

    One time, I asked, “What if we don’t have money to go to a restaurant?” They were like, we should buy Coke and meat pie and sit down. Their major concern is that we avoid anything that could lead to temptation.

    We also have to pray together often and listen to our pastors. They are currently praying with us that my dad will soon give consent, so that’s great. To be honest, the only hard rule is the celibacy one. 

    LMAO. Fair enough. How is this relationship different from your past ones?

    Ezinne: It’s different in the best possible way, but I’m thankful for the past ones. All those failed relationships helped me realise what I wanted, so I wasn’t forming hard to get or being childish when Tunji came along. 

    He is also dependable and very sure of me, so I feel secure. I feel like if someone tells him that my nudes are trending on Twitter right now, he’d just shrug. I never have to question how he feels about me. It’s the best thing.

    Tunji: I can’t even compare Ezinne to any of the women from my past, but I can say how I’ve changed. I’ve gotten wiser, and I now know how to appreciate and accommodate a lot more in relationships.

    What are your plans for the future?

    Ezinne: This question is making me smile because, for the first time in years, I’m excited about the future. I look forward to us having a beautiful family, great jobs, a nice house and premium nacks. Yes. I’m ready to unleash the dragon in the bedroom.

    Tunji: LMAO. We hope to build a godly home where friendship, trust and respect are the top priority; where we can raise godly children and be of great support to those around us.

    That’s really sweet. What do you love the most about each other?

    Tunji: I love so many things about Ezinne, but let me try picking a few. For starters, she’s God-fearing — she has an unmistakable fire for the things of God. She’s also a go-getter. I just love how driven and passionate she is about her desires.

    Ezinne: He is the kindest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. This isn’t even about how good he is to me, it’s about how kind he is to those around him. He cares about helping others.

    He is also a hard worker. He is so dedicated to his students, and even though teaching isn’t the job he envisioned for himself, he still gives it his all. That’s why I know I’m marrying the right person. He doesn’t let his frustrations weigh him down.

    He is also my biggest cheerleader. Honestly, I don’t know how I got so lucky. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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  • Love Life: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

    Love Life: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

    Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people. 

    What is your earliest memory of each other? 

    Ijeoma: So, recently, my boyfriend has been attending lots of weddings and we haven’t been able to see each other as often as we used to, even though we live in the same state. 

    Wait. You have a boyfriend?

    Peter: LMAO. That’s what I said. 

    Ijeoma: Peter, please.  

    What is going on here?

    Ijeoma: See, we will gist you everything as it happened and, yes, I have a boyfriend. We were going through a “thing” when I met Peter.  

    Peter:  LMAO. A thing indeed.

    Ijeoma:  So, the first time I met Peter was at an event I attended with a mutual friend of ours. He caught my eye immediately, but I thought to myself,  “Omo! Man na man. I have one and I’m not looking for anything,” but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about him a lot. 

    Peter: Who would have thought? To be fair, I was also thinking about you. I saw her walk in, with her cute nose and that ass. I did a double take when she turned to speak to someone. 

    Ijeoma: I know, I caught you stealing glances and Sarah* told me you had asked about me. 

    So, what happened from there?

    Ijeoma:  It was good vibes from the jump, and I loved his energy. Once we went past that stranger-danger phase, it was just pure magic.

    Peter: Yes. She is funny and super easy to talk to, so we just kept at it for the rest of the event.  When it was time to leave, we got each other’s IG handles and said our goodbyes. 

    Why IG handles, not phone numbers?

    Ijeoma: It was easier. 

    Peter: Is it weird to say that phone numbers felt like too much at the time?  I mean, we vibed at the event and all, but we didn’t really know each other well enough to take it that far. Social media handles felt like a safer option. If things die there, it’s easier to forget and move on than if they have your number. You get?

    Uhm no, but okay. 

    Ijeoma: LMAO. From there, oga started DMing me on IG and it was fun. A week later, I had another event to go to, so I casually asked him if he wanted to come with me. But a couple of hours to the thing, I realised that I didn’t want to see him…

    Peter: Please, tell me, what do women want? 

    Ijeoma: I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to have to stare at your face throughout the event. How hard is that to understand? His face is distracting. 

    Peter: Anyway, we ended up agreeing that I would pick her up from the event. 

    Ijeoma: This is where things got interesting. I had about three bottles of wine in me and my body was humming with excitement.  I just knew I wanted to fuck him.  When I knew he was outside waiting for me, I literally skipped like a schoolgirl out of that building, grinning ear to ear. See ehn, wine-induced horniness is dangerous. 

    We went back to his place and talked. The room had started to sway, but I kept looking straight at him, imagining things. He was so accommodating. He had my feet in his hands and was rubbing them while we talked. I then asked if I could kiss him and from there, we ended up having sex.  

    Peter: LMAO. It was amazing, and she’s so cute when she’s asleep.  

    WOW.  So, drunk sex started this relationship?

    Ijeoma: Yup, and it only got better. We kept meeting up and having beautiful moments together. We had sex a couple more times. I told my closest friends that I had found love outside my relationship. It all felt very magical and right. 

    Peter: I always look forward to hanging out with Ijeoma. Cooking for her is so fun because she’s not a picky eater — she enjoys unusual meals. Watching movies with her easily became the highlight of my week. Maybe it was the newness of it all. 

    Ijeoma: I guess, but then…. I found out about his girlfriend. That helped put things into perspective. 

    Oluwa, take control. What? 

    Ijeoma: Turns out his girlfriend and I run in the same circles, so we met some random day.  She was going through her phone to show me something, and I saw his photo. I was like, “Oh! You know this guy?” and she was like, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.”

    Did you feel betrayed?

    Ijeoma:  Initially, I was offended, but then I was like, “I’m doing the same thing.” Two days after the encounter, he came to pick me up and we went to his place. At some point in the evening, I told him I liked him. 

    Peter: Not gonna lie, I freaked out a bit. 

    Ijeoma: That was when I told him that I didn’t want to waste my time. I remember saying, “I met your babe, and I’m not upset because I have a boyfriend too.” Peter just looked at me like WOW. 

    Peter: Women will disgrace you oh. I wasn’t even upset she had a man. I was more relieved because she was on the exact same page as me. If I was anything less than accepting of the confession, that would make me a hypocrite.

    I have been muttering “WTF” since this interview started.

    Ijeoma: I know. It’s pretty messed up. However, the whole “confession” thing really helped us define what we have.

    Peter:  Yes, we decided to be together but keep things under wraps. 

    Ijeoma: We now have a schedule for sex. There is an understanding of how things are. I try to avoid seeing his girlfriend and I keep my boyfriend happy enough not to suspect anything.

    Do you feel guilty about doing this?

    Ijeoma: Honestly, no. 

    Peter: Nope. 

    Ijeoma: LMAO. I don’t feel guilty because, with Peter, it’s just raw lust, there’s an animosity to the sex that I don’t get with my man. The orgasms are primal and they just rip through me.

    I also believe that sex is sex and love is love. When I found out about Peter’s girlfriend, it was easy for me to put my feelings aside. I love my partner and I enjoy having sex with Peter. These things are not mutually exclusive. 

    Peter: I agree. The fact that we both easily accept having other partners yet maintaining what we have is evidence that we can separate lust from love. I love my girlfriend and all but this, for me, is just physical. 

    Aren’t you afraid of getting caught?

    Peter: We are both cautious, so the likelihood of that happening is very low. 

    Ijeoma: Exactly. We are very careful. Also, there is no PDA, no pet names and emojis, nothing mushy. We don’t talk like anything is going on, just banter and good vibes. Appointments are made via calls and DMs. It’s pretty chill. 

    OMO. You guys have this thing on lock oh. Is this your first time cheating on your partner? 

    Peter: Not really. I had something else before, but it was during a break I had with my girlfriend. 

    Ijeoma: Properly, yes?

    Wait, there is an improper way to… cheat?

    Ijeoma: LMAO. Not really. I have done one or two things with other men, but Peter is the first guy I’m being intentional with. 

    Okay. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10.

    Peter: 6/10. What we have is pretty sweet. We are such good friends with very similar interests and it makes the whole thing fun. 

    Ijeoma: Aww, simp. It’s a 5 for me. I mean, I like him and all, but I’m in love with someone else. We could stop having sex today and still be really good friends. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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  • Love Life: Everyone Told Me Not To Date Him

    Love Life: Everyone Told Me Not To Date Him

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: Everyone Told Me Not To Date Him

    *David, 27, and *Ebuka, 25, have been together for a year and a half. For today’s Love Life, they talk about living together, proving naysayers wrong and having to keep their relationship a secret.

    What’s your earliest and fondest memory of your partner?

    David: My earliest memory of Ebuka is seeing his dance videos on Facebook back in 2013. I watched and downloaded every single video he uploaded. I can’t dance to save my life, so I’m captivated by people who can. 

    Ebuka: It has to be right after we exchanged numbers in 2015. I found out that he sends “Happy Sunday” messages to all his contacts, complete with motivational quotes to help get them through the week. That level of thoughtfulness won me over. 

    I began expecting the messages every week, and whenever it didn’t come in, I would check to see if he was okay. I later found out they cost him around ₦2,000 to send every Sunday. That told me all I needed to know about his character.

    Do you remember meeting each other in person for the first time?

    David: I remember it like it was yesterday. We started properly texting in 2018, but our first meeting was totally unplanned. I was finishing up an errand, and it turned out he was visiting his cousins around the same area, so we decided to meet.

    We spoke for hours, and it was nice. I still have the pictures we took that day. I remember posting one of them on my status, and a friend said we made a cute couple. I just laughed because we weren’t even close to discussing that yet.

    Ebuka: I remember everything he wore: a pink polo, blue jeans, a face cap and a knapsack. He never goes anywhere without his knapsack. I remember thinking he was even cuter in person, and I loved the way he walked and talked. He was so graceful.

    When did you realise you had feelings for each other?

    David: It was a couple of months after we met. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I had lost my job around that time, and he kept checking up on me. He would consistently send me job listings to look through.

    Do you know the craziest thing? I was in a relationship at the time, but my boyfriend couldn’t care less about my struggles. I love buying gifts for the men I like, but I had nothing at this point. 

    Unlike my boyfriend, Ebuka cared about me for me, not what I could give him.

    Wait. David, you had a boyfriend during all of this?

    Well, officially, I was in a relationship, but it had technically ended. We were holding on to that last thread of hope, trying to see if things would get better. It never did. So, before I asked Ebuka out, I texted him to officially end things.

    In fact, my former relationship was so bad that we hadn’t texted each other in six months before the breakup. It’s like we were waiting to see who would take the step to end things. I don’t think you can call that a relationship.

    Ebuka, how did you feel about this?

    I didn’t know he was still in a relationship. I asked him if that chapter of his life was done, and he said it was. I wasn’t as upset when I found out it was still ongoing because of how distant they clearly were.

    David, how did you ask Ebuka out?

    We were getting a lot more serious, and he was coming to my place every weekend. So, I decided to give him a key to my apartment. There was also this nice ring I had, and I gave that to him too.

    Funnily enough, we still weren’t official at this point.

    LMAO. After a key and a ring? What else is left?

    David: LMAO. You have to open your mouth and ask for it to be official, biko. One night in June 2019, I finally sat him down and asked if he wanted us to be boyfriends, and he said yes. That was it.

    Ebuka: It actually wasn’t that simple. I had heard some worrying things about him, and I needed to straighten them out. That night, we had a very long conversation, and after he was able to convince me that he’d changed, I was ready to be with him.

    What worrying things?

    David: It was based on my reputation back then. I used to be everywhere, jumping from men to men, so no one thought I was relationship material. One of Ebuka’s best friends was someone I had hooked up with, so he told him I only wanted to fuck and run.

    He wasn’t the only one that told Ebuka not to date me. Even people I thought were cool with me went behind my back to warn him about me. He heard this from so many people; I guess it freaked him out.

    Ebuka: Yeah. When I told my best friend about my feelings for David, he told me not to bother because he wasn’t the committed type and whatever we had was going to be fleeting. I needed to clear things up and make sure I wasn’t wasting my time.

    Oh wow. How did he convince you?

    Ebuka: He explained he wasn’t committed to any of those guys. All of them knew what they were getting into. He never claimed to be in love with any of them; it was all about sex. 

    David: I told him my feelings for him were different. I wanted to build something real with him. So, I made a choice to be very intentional about this relationship, and thankfully, I’ve spent the past year shaming all the naysayers.

    LMAO. Mad. Do you remember your first major fight?

    Ebuka: We haven’t had any major fight yet, just little disagreements. They are mostly about me not being vocal about my opinions. I’m not exactly an open book, so I tend to keep things bottled up inside until they come out in an ugly way. 

    So, David has been teaching me to open up immediately I feel uncomfortable.

    David: Ebuka is the kind of person who won’t say anything even if the house is burning, but you will see the discomfort plastered on his face. I have to guess, and I always go with the worst-case scenarios. Thankfully, he has gotten better.

    How has this relationship been different from your past ones?

    Ebuka: In my past relationship, I was with someone much older than me. To him, that meant I had to be submissive. Anytime I tried to bring up something I didn’t like, he would gaslight me. Then I would have to apologise for “overreacting”.

    It eventually got too toxic, and I had to leave. With David, even though he is older than me, he actually cares about me sharing my thoughts and feelings. That’s all very new to me, and I’m still getting used to it. 

    I feel so comfortable with him because whenever I bring up an issue, he listens, acknowledges his faults and tries to do better. It’s an amazing quality. It’s exactly what a relationship should be like.

    David: Our relationship feels a lot different than my last two. It’s the first time I want to be intentional about not just my words but my actions as well. I don’t want to fuck this up. 

    How does living in Nigeria affect your relationship?

    Ebuka: It’s quite draining. We can’t express our love for each other out in the open. We can’t even risk holding each other’s hands. Sometimes, I feel like I’m betraying my love for him because I can’t say it out loud, but what more can we do? 

    We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we love each other.

    David: Honestly, it’s very hard. Everything seems set up to work against us. We can’t do PDA or even look at each other in a certain way in public. I especially hate that I have to introduce Ebuka as my roommate or best friend or “bro”, not my boyfriend. 

    In public, all we can do is shake hands and hug awkwardly. When we go on dates, we have to be extremely conscious of our surroundings. We can never tell if we’ll be dealing with violent homophobes or the ones that will just make snide remarks. 

    Being Nigerian is hard. Being gay in Nigeria is harder. Being an effeminate gay man in Nigeria is the hardest of them all. Honestly, the goal is to japa because it’s going to take a while for things to get better, and I don’t want us to wait that long.

    Fair enough. So, what are your plans for the future?

    David: We’ve talked about getting married and having kids, but we haven’t started making concrete plans yet. It’s definitely something I feel strongly about. I grew up in a house filled with kids, so I really love them, and I want as many as possible. 

    Before I even knew I was gay, I always planned to adopt as many kids as possible.

    Ebuka: I’ve always loved the idea of marriage, especially the dedication and responsibility that comes with that kind of commitment. David and I practically live like a married couple already, so once we leave this country, it feels inevitable.

    I also want to have kids, but only two. So David and I will have to discuss that.

    LMAO. Clearly. So, what’s it like living together?

    David: We’ve been living together for over a year now, and while it has its occasional ups and downs, it’s been fun. I get to have Ebuka with me all the time, and I’ve learnt so much about him.

    Like, I know he is a light sleeper, a terrible soup maker and a total bed hog. He sleeps in the middle of the bed, and I have to manage the edge. All in all, it’s been good, and I’d totally recommend it for other couples.

    Ebuka: LMAO. It’s been an experience. I understand him a lot better now. I know his limits and his triggers, and it’s helped our relationship.  It’s a learning process, but I also recommend it.

    What would you say is the best thing about your relationship?

    David: It’s great having someone that will always have your back no matter what, and that’s Ebuka for me. He is dependable and consistent. With him, I always feel at peace. He is truly the complete package.

    Ebuka: For me, it’s our openness and capacity to communicate. We know everything about each other — the good and the bad. We trust each other, and that is the foundation of our relationship.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: 5 Of The Most-Read Stories Of 2020

    Love Life: 5 Of The Most-Read Stories Of 2020

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Even though the series has only existed for a few months, writing Love Life has been one of the highlights of my year. From talking to couples to telling their stories, it has been nothing short of exciting.

    Every Love Life story has managed to spark conversations online and that, for me, is a win. As the year ends today, I’d like to share 5 of the most-read (and listened to) Love Life stories to date.

    1. I Still Can’t Believe He’s Gone

    derin and oke love

    Derin, 21, and Oke, 21, had been together for a little over a year before Oke’s tragic death cut their love story short. For this Love Life, Derin talks about how they went from best friends to lovers, and all the plans they had for their future together.

    Read it here.

    2. We Met On Twitter, But I Already Had A Boyfriend

    met on Twitter

    *Kola, 28, and *Cynthia, 27, have been dating for almost six years now. For this Love Life, they talk about finding each other on Twitter, navigating an already-existing relationship, and why they are still yet to have their first major fight.

    Read it here.

    3. How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us

    love life in Nigeria

    *Ginika, 25, and *Jude, 28, have known each other since 2017 and been in a relationship since 2018. For this Love Life, they talk about handling infidelity in their relationship and reaching a compromise in their disagreements.

    Read it here.

    4. His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife

    Love life in Nigeria

    *Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For this Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones. 

    Read it here.

    5. We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    *Jemimah, 26, and *Nelson, 26, have known each other since 2017, but they only started dating in 2019. For this Love Life, they talk about loving each other while being platonic friends and how scared they were of becoming a couple.

    Read it here.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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    Eris Ekanem

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  • Love Life: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife

    Love Life: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife

    *Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones. 

    Love life in Nigeria

    What’s your earliest memory of your partner? 

    Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.

    Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.

    Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though. 

    Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.

    Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating. 

    So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife? 

    Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.

    Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together. 

    Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us. 

    Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in. 

    Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them. 

    The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?

    Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him. 

    Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other. 

    Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed. 

    Do men listen? 

    Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do. 

    Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.

    Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.

    Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?

    Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.

    Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh. 

    Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy. 

    Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.

    Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time. 

    Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.” 

    Were you scared that you were a rebound?

    Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.

    Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me. 

    Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.

    Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.

    All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship. 

    So, for how long did you guys date before getting married? 

    Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what? 

    Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now. 

    Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.

    Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy. 

    Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?

    Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her. 

    Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.

    Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did? 

    Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first. 

    Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary. 

    Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance? 

    Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.

    OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?

    Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.

    Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling. 

    Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.

    Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019. 

    Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.

    Yinka: Really? Must be nice. 

    WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

    Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her. 

    Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled. 

    Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings. 

    So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?

    Yinka: Nope.

    Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her. 

    Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?

    Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.

    Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.

    Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?

    Yinka: I can be the FBI.

    Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything. 

    Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.

    It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.

    I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.

    LMAO.  This is so messy.

    Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.

    I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person. 

    Oh no, she didn’t!

    Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online. 

    Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama. 

    Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.

    What did she say in response?

    Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.

    Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?

    Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.

    Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.

    While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?

    Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer. 

    Ahhh.

    Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way. 

    When was this?

    Yinka: In April 2020, after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.

    Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there. 

    How did this affect the wedding plans? 

    Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that. 

    OMO.

    Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another. 

    Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship. 

    Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together. 

    Is it because of the conditions you laid out?

    Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.

    Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.

    About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry. 

    Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.

    Oh wow. Tell me about being married.

    Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.

    Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it. 

    Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October. 

    What does a typical day in this relationship look like?

    Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.

    Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.

    Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?

    Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out. 

    Oh wow. A celibate relationship. 

    Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench. 

    Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life. 

    Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.

    There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.

    Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us

    Love Life: How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us

    *Ginika, 25, and *Jude, 28, have known each other since 2017 and been in a relationship since 2018. For today’s Love Life, they talk about handling infidelity in their relationship and reaching a compromise in their disagreements.

    What’s your earliest memory of your partner?

    Ginika: We met for the first time in October 2017 at a weekly church service in school. He came to church without a Bible, took mine and said, “I forgot my Bible, so I’m going to use yours.” All I could think about was this man has audacity oh.

    Jude: I was just looking for trouble. Prior to that day, I had never met her before. I practically colonised her Bible. 

    Ginika: For some reason, I didn’t get angry or anything and I don’t know why. There was just something about him. 

    It seems like you were smitten. How did things progress?

    Ginika: This was his first time meeting me and he had so much guts. It definitely caught my attention.

    Jude: Funny enough, in the next service, we found ourselves sitting together again and this time, I took her phone. 

    What in the thievery is going on here, Jude? 

    It wasn’t oh. I asked and she gave me. There was consent. That particular day, we came earlier for the service, and she wanted to step out. So I collected her phone and asked her to unlock it. She did it, and I had the phone with me that entire evening.

    Ginika, did his request freak you out?

    No. I was really cool about the whole thing. I gave a complete stranger my phone and I wasn’t even bothered about it.

    Damn. So, how did you guys become a couple?

    Ginika: This is my favourite part of our story. The church was about to elect new executives. Jude got nominated, I didn’t, so I decided to travel back to Lagos for Christmas. This was in 2017. I found out he was made the music director. I love men who can sing so I quickly hit him up on Facebook to congratulate him. We started talking on the phone and chatting almost every day.

    By now, would you say you had a crush on him?

    Ginika: Sort of, yes. Although, I had joined a dating site because I didn’t think we would end up together.

    Jude: Oh, I remember this. After I got elected and she congratulated me, we became friends. One day while chatting, she asked me to follow one page like that on Instagram. I did, but when I asked her what the page was for, she refused to tell me.

    It was much later she told me it was a dating site. So, I jokingly asked if she would date me if I asked. She said she would and somehow, our conversations became deeper and more meaningful. We decided to give dating a chance when we resumed school.

    Aww, this is so cute.

    Jude: Yes, but we quarrelled a lot back then. We were so different from each other. 

    Ginika: Omo. Even just as friends, we had so many fights.

    Tell me one. 

    Ginika: Lol. You really don’t want to know.

    Please, dear, I really do.

    Ginika: Okay. One time, I called him and he didn’t pick up. 

    Jude:  When she called later and I picked, she changed it for me oh. 

    Ginika: Yes oh. I started shouting and we weren’t even dating officially then.

    Ginika, Why this?

    Ginika: I don’t even know. I was just very angry at him.

    So, most of your major fights happened in 2017, before you officially started dating?

    Jude: We agreed to date in school during the Christmas holidays. When she resumed in January, we spent a lot of time together and I asked her out on the 22nd of January, 2018. 

    Ginika: He came to my house and asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop the fighting.

    Tell me about your first notable relationship fight.

    Ginika: Let Jude use his mouth and tell you what happened. 

    Jude: LMAO. There was this other girl I got close to. As music director in the school chapel, there were lots of girls who wanted to get close to me. However, one got really close to the point that things got out of hand. I personally found it difficult to control the situation. Ginika and I had a fight over it, but I am happy we got over it.

    Oh? This tea is too vague. I need details.

    Jude: LMAO.

    Ginika: I will take over from here. So, there was this girl that came to church and next thing, it was as if I was sharing my man. I know Jude tried hard to control things but for some reason, she got closer to him. I did something I didn’t think I could ever do. I went to her house to meet her and guess what she said to me.

    OMG. What did she say?

    Ginika: She said, “Maybe there’s something I am doing that you’re not.” My eyes became red from all the tears I cried.

    Did you tell Jude?

    Ginika: I did, and he took her side. I left his house angrily after he said she had a hold over him. He didn’t see anything wrong in what was happening.

    HE SAID THAT?

    Ginika: No, but he said some mean things sha. He didn’t have any argument, but I remember him saying something about her being the side chick. Jesus, my heart broke that day.

    Wait, what?

    Ginika: Yes. I remember one time she called at night and heard my voice. Jude told her I was his neighbour.

    Hold up. So, while you guys were in a relationship, he had a side thing?

    Ginika: Sort of.

    Jude, please, say something. Anything. 

    Jude: I think I gave her so much of me.

    Ginika: Yes. A whole lot of you if we are being honest. The weird thing is, the babe has the same surname as myself and her birthday is a day before mine.

    Jude: It was so bad. At some point, she started blackmailing me and I knew I had to do something about it.  

    Giniki: It was because she started blackmailing him that I found out a lot of things. 

    Jude: The girl was aware that as a music director, I had so much to lose.

    How did she blackmail you?

    Jude: She wanted me to choose. It was either her or nothing. She even threatened me with our chats. That she had all of it saved. 

    Ginika: She had intentions to report him to the church. 

    Jude: She kept hammering on exposing our chats. Although she said she was just joking and wanted to see my reaction, I didn’t want to take any chances so I got her phone and erased our chats and texts. 

    Ginika: I helped him.

    You did what now?

    Jude: Yes. Ginika was instrumental in all this. She got my assistant involved and that one’s head is hot. My assistant and Ginika confronted the girl and warned her to stay clear of me.

    Ginika: I tried getting her phone just to make sure there was no evidence. I didn’t want any scandal attached to him because of how much I loved him.

    Wow. How did you guys get through that?

    Jude: I apologised and promised that nothing like that would never happen again.

    Ginika: It was a rough period for both of us. I didn’t even believe we would make it through but yes, I forgave him. I can’t explain how we moved past it but I know I prayed for a lot of healing.

    Jude: It wasn’t easy looking at her every day and knowing that I had hurt her. She made it easy for me because where do I begin to atone for what I did to her?

    So, what has the progression of your love life been since then?

    Jude: We  really showed progress after school. To an extent, when we were in school, I didn’t see a future with her, I thought it was just a school thing.

    Ginika: Same. After school, things became easier. We were more committed to each other and I changed cities for him. I moved from Lagos to Port Harcourt for us be closer. I don’t believe in long-distance relationships.

    Do you guys live together?

    Ginika: No, we don’t. It’s just easier to be in the same state with him.

    How often do you guys see each other?

    Jude:  Virtually every weekend. 

    Ginika: Yes. We attend the same church.

    Are your families aware of this relationship? 

    Ginika: Very aware. I met his family first and then he met my dad in December 2019 when he came to my hometown. Things went pretty well considering that they initially didn’t think we were serious about each other.

    Why not?

    Jude: I think they wanted to know how committed we were to the relationship. We had just finished school then so they thought it was a school affair. 

    Ginika: I think they didn’t know me too well.

    So, y’all getting engaged soon?

    Jude: Yeah, but I don’t want to say too much on this so I don’t reveal my plans to her.

    Ginika: LMAO.

    Is there something that is still a problem in this relationship?

    Ginika: I worry a lot and I’m impatient. Jude might have other answers.

    Jude: I am very strict when it comes to spending and she’s not, but she has gotten better. I find also that our priorities have changed. We argue over them sometimes, but we always try to reach an agreement.

    Ginika: Like my love for short dresses.

    Jude: I don’t like dresses that are too short.

    So, what’s the compromise?

    Ginika: I can wear short dresses but not too short.

    Okay, guys. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10

    Ginika: I’d rate it a 9. It’s been great.  We have our little fights here and there, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. In my next life I would still pick him. I look forward to forever with him.

    Jude: I’d rate it a 9. Our relationship has been amazing and I have never felt this way about anyone before. I want to spend every day with her and I look forward to a future with her in it.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: She’s Polyamorous, But I’m Not

    Love Life: She’s Polyamorous, But I’m Not

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: She Is Polyamorous, But I’m Not

    Tobi*, 21, and Elizabeth*, 19, have known each other for eleven months and dated for five. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being queer, managing a relationship where only one person is polyamorous, and leaving their exes for each other. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Elizabeth: My earliest memory of Tobi was when they called me on the phone. They told me I sound like MTN customer care because I pick my calls with “Yello,” and that made me laugh so hard. It was the funniest thing I had heard all day. They’re not funny, but sometimes they try.

    Tobi: I’m funny, stop spreading fake news. Mine was actually the first time we met. I was doing my internship at the time, and I randomly mentioned to her that I was hungry. She showed up at my office with food. 

    I remember this particular day because I accidentally gave her the wrong directions and she looked so mad when she finally got there. I will not be forgetting that soon. 

    Elizabeth: Knowing Tobi now, I now understand that they have no sense of direction, but they’re adorable. I mean, I got to their workplace all mad but I saw them and I was like, “How can I be mad at this one?”

    Elizabeth, you keep using they/them pronouns. Is that intentional?

    Elizabeth: Yes. Tobi is non-binary — a gender identity that is neither exclusively masculine or feminine. Gender is not as binary as the world views it. There are men, women, and people who genuinely do not conform. Tobi can explain better.

    Tobi: I think gender is a capitalist concept created to sell more blue and pink clothes. I personally prefer purple. Also, asking me about my gender and pronouns is a terrible idea because I’ll just say I’m stardust and I don’t exist and keep things moving. 

    Forgive my naivety, but if they are non-binary and you are a woman, what is the proper term for your relationship? 

    Tobi: Proper term?

    Elizabeth: Babe, do you know what I just hacked? We’re straight. I mean, we are both dating opposite genders. OMG! Are we straight?

    Tobi: Ew, please. 

    LMAO. What is going on here?

    Elizabeth: A bisexual woman and a pansexual non-binary person decided to date. That’s legit it.

    Tobi: Yup, we’re partners. 

    About being partners, what does a day in this relationship look like?

    Elizabeth: Omo. There’s no dynamic, just vibes and InshaAllah.

    Tobi: Oh shut up. That’s how we started being a thing. She said, “I just want to vibe oh. Nothing more.” But here we are. I’m not complaining though.

    Elizabeth: Ah. You had a girlfriend abi woman of interest. What was I supposed to do? I had a girlfriend too and I didn’t plan on falling in love, but you were so sweet. You kept texting and calling me; it was only natural that I caught feelings. 

    Elizabeth, you caught feelings first?

    Well, I told them I love them first, but as a friend. I was like, “I love you” and they went silent as hell, so I tacked on “…as a friend.”

    LMAO. Good save. 

    Tobi: Lizzy, this is not how I remember things oh. ‘

    Elizabeth: Are you calling me a liar? 

    Tobi: I would just like to say that I’ve never been that confused in my life. She said, “I love you, but like I love all my friends.”

    Elizabeth: But, don’t I? 

    Tobi: Well, during the early stage, you kept texting me. Babe, we literally had a 9-hour phone call.

    Elizabeth: But you were the one that called na. Talking about how you needed me to keep you company until you got home.

    9 HOURS? Are y’all rich-rich? 

    Tobi: Please, dear, it was a WhatsApp call. 

    Elizabeth: Honestly, that day you used me. 

    Tobi: I don’t regret it.

    Elizabeth: Omo.

    Wait. Do either of you currently have other partners right now? 

    Tobi: Not yet. 

    Elizabeth: Yet? You have someone you have your eyes on? Pray tell, is their ass fat? Tobi will swear that I’m sleeping with half of Lagos and quarter of Benin city, but they’re the real hoe. 

    Tobi: But, aren’t you?

    Elizabeth: I plead the fifth. 

    How long have you guys been together?

    Elizabeth: Five months, but we were “talking” for seven months. We met on Twitter in December 2019. Tobi had a woman and I had a girlfriend. So, we were just friends. Then my ex broke up with me and the spirit of hoeing took over. I went over to their place for four days and then we kept… talking. 

    Tobi: Talking?

    Elizabeth:  Want us to say what really happened when I was at yours? It’s love life not sex life, dear.

    LMAO. Wait, all this happened when Tobi still had a girl?

    Elizabeth: Yes. We confessed to having feelings for each other and they said they still loved that woman.

    So, when you guys started dating, was “that woman” still in the picture? 

    Tobi:  Nah, she wasn’t.

    Elizabeth: So, she didn’t even know we were dating until like two weeks after we’d started. Tobi was scared to hurt her feelings.

    Tobi: Which was silly because she was never really open about what she wanted from me. 

    Elizabeth: You didn’t know how mean she was to you. You really loved her. I’m really sorry it had to end.

    Tobi, I thought “that woman” was your girlfriend.

    Tobi: Not to my knowledge, no. 

    Elizabeth: She wasn’t their girlfriend. They were a thing. It’s complicated. 

    Ah. Should we have invited her here? 

    Elizabeth: That one is a separate love life interview. Now that I think about it, the first few weeks of our relationship was kinda weird. They loved her and I didn’t mind. So, they felt guilty for still loving her, but I got it. I got that people can love more than one person at a time.

    Are you both polyamorous? 

    Tobi: No.

    Elizabeth: I am the only polyamorous one in this relationship (the practice of engaging in multiple sexual and romantic relationships with the consent of all the people involved).

    Tobi: Yep. She’s poly and I’m obviously not as monogamous as I thought.

    Elizabeth: LMAO. I’ve broken you.

    How does Tobi feel about this?

    Elizabeth: They’re learning to adjust. I come to talk to them about people I like. They are my gossip buddy. If I like a woman or I want to suck dick or fuck a man, Tobi is the first person to know.

    Omo. Tobi, How do you handle jealousy? 

    Tobi:  That’s how I realised that I love her. She started to really like this one person and omo, my brain shifted. I was actually losing my mind. But now, we don’t know that jealousy person anymore, I think I manage that better than I used to. 

    Elizabeth: I remember that person. I couldn’t even bring her up without Tobi shutting down. Funny thing is, I don’t even talk to them anymore. 

    Tobi: So, there’s no way to feel about it, I love her. I want her to have everything, including men if she so wishes, but I hope not.

    Elizabeth: I hope not too. I can’t imagine dating a man. Unless it’s that man. 

    What man?

    Elizabeth: Our man. 

    Tobi: Hmm. God really does create bright and beautiful things.

    Elizabeth: There’s a man we both consider beautiful and he has hit on both of us on separate occasions. That was before we started dating though. I think we should pay him a visit soon.

    Elizabeth, if you decide to get into another relationship, how do you decide which one to give priority?

    Elizabeth: I love all my partners in different ways. There isn’t really a scale of preference as much as it is different units of measurement for each person. For some, it’s the laughter and vibes, for others, it’s purely sexual. With Tobi, it’s more intense and intentional. 

    Ah. Lizzy nuggets.

    Elizabeth: LMAO. I tell Tobi that I accidentally fell in love with them, but I choose to stay in love. It’s like I didn’t have a choice when I fell but the ground feels comfy, so I’m staying for as long as they’d have me. We die here. 

    Tobi: I agree. 

    What does ‘long term’ look like for both of you?

    Elizabeth: A nice apartment, two dogs, three cats, one rabbit, one snake, an aquarium, one parrot and 11 children. 

    Tobi: One cat. 

    Am I getting punk’d?

    Elizabeth: Tobi wants 11 kids.

    Tobi: I wanted 10 but 11 works, I guess. 

    WHOSE UTERUS?

    Elizabeth: I don’t want any biological children so we can adopt. The thought of having kids with Tobi seems very nice. 

    Better have money-money. Kids are not cheap.

    Elizabeth: Capitalism is a social construct and money is a useless thing. We’ll have a farm and I’ll make fresh bread and jam. 

    Tobi: The plan is to have money. 

    Elizabeth: Babe, you want to have money-money? 

    Tobi: Yes na. Do you want those kids to suffer? 

    Elizabeth: What happened to our “eat the rich” plan? Babe, you know the idea of wealth stresses me out.

    Tobi: I know, I know.

     So, you want to be poor and have 11 kids?

    Elizabeth: Not poor. In a functional society, you can afford 11 kids. I want to live in a society that makes it easy for me to have 11 kids. 

    So, Disney?

    Tobi: Basically not Nigeria. 

    Elizabeth: Yes. plus, we have 6-10 years for these plans, so we still have time. 

    Tobi: We do, babes.

    This is so cute. Do y’all even fight?

    Elizabeth: We do, but it’s mostly misunderstandings. 

    Tobi:  Miscommunication, more like. 

    Elizabeth: Yeah. So we try to communicate our feelings more, and then give room to feel upset and sad. We talk a lot of stuff out. However, an issue we haven’t been able to move on from is the fact that they eat semo. Can you imagine my life with a human who eats semo? 

    OMG. Gross. Are you okay?

    Elizabeth: God, it’s irritating. Their one flaw. 

    Tobi: Babe, you eat plantain and pancakes with sardine.

    Elizabeth: Tobi is very picky with food.

    Tobi: No. I have a refined palate. 

    Elizabeth: Yes. Sureeee. Let’s call it that. 

    Tobi: We have such different tastes in food and music. 

    YOU THINK? 

    Tobi: LMAO. I told her to listen to Queen and she said they make her fall asleep.

    Elizabeth: Babe, Lil Kesh >>>> Freddie Mercury.

    Tobi: Wow. Fuck you. 

    Elizabeth: Okay, but when though?

    OKAY! Is this the only relationship problem you have?

    Elizabeth: My problem is, I asked them to spit in my mouth and they hesitated. 

    I- 

    Elizabeth: LMAO. What’s the issue?

    Tobi, blink twice if you need Zikoko to intervene. 

    I’m blinking oh. Send the help. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    Love Life: We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    *Jemimah, 26, and *Nelson, 26, have known each other since 2017, but they only started dating in 2019. For today’s Love Life, they talk about loving each other while being platonic friends and how scared they were of becoming a couple.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Jemimah: I remember seeing his tweets on my TL, but the first time we met in person was on a Wednesday evening in December 2017. 

    Nelson: My earliest memory of Jemimah is a selfie on my timeline. You see, she’s quite the dresser, even when she’s not trying. I can never forget how cool I thought she looked.

    Is this what made you shoot your shot?

    Jemimah: As surprising as it may seem, I actually sent him a DM first. On the 23rd of November, 2017, I sent a text saying, “Hey! How are you?” and his exact words were, “Wow! I must be dreaming because I can’t believe you’re in my DMs.” He can’t deny his excitement. I have screenshots.

    Wow. A queen with her receipts. 

    Nelson: I was just so happy to get that DM from her. She has always been so cool even on the TL. I’m just there and it was such a pleasant surprise to have someone I fancied from a distance DM me. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. I liked him, and I just wanted to be friends. We’ve been talking every day since then. 

    If you just wanted to be friends, how did dating get into the picture?

    Jemimah: He made quite an impression the first day we hung out. I could tell that he really put in the effort to look good for the date, and it was so sweet. Plus, I liked how he walked and smiled.

    Nelson: I was just there, eager to please her while she was sizing me up. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. We actually stayed friends for two years before we started dating. 

    Omo. 

    Jemimah: Even with all the sexual tension and the fact that we knew we both liked each other, we still kept things strictly platonic.

    Nelson: The bants were epic. We would have long, seemingly endless conversations about everything and anything. Everything she did was so cool to me and still is. 

    Jemimah: Omo! This man is in love oh.

    So, how did the relationship finally become romantic?

    Jemimah: New year’s eve, 2018. Nelson was in church when he sent me a message saying that he was grateful I was in his life and he wants to keep it that way for the new year. So, I thought to myself, this guy likes me and I really like him, but I don’t want to be just friends anymore. 

    Maybe, it’s time to test the water and see if there is something here for us. I waited a while before speaking to a friend. She is not a fan of wasting time, so she encouraged me to get on with it so I could know if he also wanted more or not. 

    Nelson: Simp.

    Jemimah: LMAO. When I asked you if there could be more between us, I could sense your hesitation.

    Nelson: Babe, I really liked you, but I had to be sure it wasn’t something you’d move on from because it wasn’t what you really wanted.

    Jemimah: I get that you were still finding yourself and getting used to the fact that I liked you. I remember your answer being, “I don’t know about right now.” So, I moved on and, thankfully, it didn’t affect me much. 

    Nelson, why exactly did you hesitate?

    Nelson: All my hesitation was from me reeling from my last breakup. You know how you tell yourself that you want to be alone for a while, and then somebody comes along and stretches that resolve to the max.

    Jemimah: Funny thing is, I didn’t feel rejected because I enjoyed the conversations and it was enough to keep us going. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone else, so I didn’t have any hoes to return to. This happened in early 2018.

    Honestly, Jemimah’s lack of hoes is why this relationship exists.

    Nelson: LMAO. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. The whole relationship thing kept creeping into our conversations from time to time. It would make us point out our feelings and the mushy moments would linger, making us unsure, but then we would go right back to just everyday friendly conversations. However, I brought up a few more times in a jokey manner and we would laugh about it. 

    What was the hardest part about all of this?

    Nelson: The sexual tension was thicker than Ogbono. You could hack it with an axe. Throughout the entire friendship, we kept things platonic.

    Jemimah: Not once did we cross the line 

    Not even a kiss?

    Nelson: Nope. I didn’t want to get lost in the sauce.

    Jemimah: We were such Jesus babies.  

    So, when did you start dating officially?

    Jemimah: July 28th, 2019. 

    Nelson:  It was strategic planning. 

    Jemimah: He had just moved into a new place, and I was supposed to come see it. The night before, I decided that we were probably only ever going to be just friends. Got to his the next day, and we talked and talked. Kissed for the first time. It was so tender and nice. Then we just sat there hugging each other.

    Nelson: We hugged for like 5 minutes. 

     Jemimah: Ended up having sex. Amazing stuff. 20/10.

    This is literally the omoest omo. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. I stayed over that night. The next day, we went out for ice cream. We kept smiling at each other from across the table. We came back to his, and started watching a movie. He paused it, turned to me and said, “We’ve known each other for so long, we care about each other very much. I think we want to make each other happy. I think we should date.”

    Nelson: I figured out that she’s the only person who could ever make me happy in a relationship, and I promised to make her happy if she gave me the chance. She did.

    My eyes are raining. This is so cute. 

    Jemimah: Prior to this, he had invited me as his ‘plus one’ to an office resort. He held on to my thighs on the trip there, so you can imagine that I almost died.

    Nelson: Not to brag or anything, but we looked so cute together at the retreat. My colleague took pictures of us and they came out so great. I think my favourite photo of us was from that retreat.  

    Damn. Two years of buildup?

    Nelson: Yes. In this period, Jemimah became my best friend.

    Jemimah:  Patient woman that I am.

    Nelson: It feels like we squeezed decades of friendship into two years. It’s so important to date your friend, so you can have a lot in common asides romance. That’s what I have here.

    What would you say is the best part of this relationship?

    Jemimah: My butt.

    Nelson: I agree.

    Wait, what?

    Nelson: This relationship has helped Jemimah reach full butt potential.

    Jemimah:  Literally. 

    Nelson:  We thank God for growth. 

    Haha. You guys are something else. 

     Jemimah: Another great part of dating Nelson is how goofy we’ve become with each other. I literally have a time-lapse of him drawing a penis on my inner thighs. 

    Nelson: Fake news. 

    Jemimah: Okay, Nigerian Army. 

    Nelson: LMAO. We spent the whole of this year’s lockdown together. A feat I’m sure neither of us thought we could pull off when we were single. It felt so nice. Waking up late cause we slept late. Cooking in the mornings, playing in the afternoon and ordering pizza to watch a movie in the evening.  

    This sounds so beautiful. Do you guys ever fight?

    Jemimah: We do actually. It always ends up affecting us as individuals because it feels like we are getting something wrong. 

    Nelson: The worst thing about our fights is how I go about after with a knot in my throat.

    What is the most common thing you fight about?

    Jemimah: Well, I’m clinically depressed. And when I have really bad episodes, I’m poor at communicating how much I need him. So, he’s unaware, but then I go and act like he’s supposed to know. And we have a breakdown in communication.

    Nelson: I wouldn’t say you’re poor. I should be the one listening in those cases, and I haven’t always done a good job of it.

    Jemimah: I hate when we fight because I want us to get it right. Our biggest fight so far was as a result of smaller fights we had. It was an exceptionally difficult time for my mental health and he also happened to be having an annoying week at work. So, everything clashed.

    Nelson: I ended up having a meltdown. It was terrible. Terrible because the fight became the centre of attention, when I should have been making my partner’s life easier.

    Jemimah: It was painful, but we got through it. We usually spend time trying to find the exact premise of an issue, so that we never return to it.

    Glad you worked things out. What is something that people won’t believe about your relationship?

    Jemimah: That he’s the more tender one. Also, because we’re very seemingly active and talkative people, I think people might not believe just how much we really like our silence and are much like an old couple. Ohh, and that I did the legwork for 2 years. 

    Nelson: Fake news. 

    Jemimah: Sanwo Eko, Please. 

    LMAO.

    Nelson: If you know me online or in person, you won’t believe that she is the more assertive one and she almost beat up a keke man on one of our early dates. I was turned on (don’t print that).

    I am definitely printing that. Jemimah, what happened?

    The man was upset because I mindlessly tried to collect my change with my left hand and I wasn’t having that. I was actually embarrassed that I’d lost my temper in front of Nelson. Those were early days sha.

    Wow. You are so… proper. 

    Nelson: She is. When I mean she’s cool, I mean she’s very measured. You can see the gears in her head spinning. Babe, you’re harsh. She’s harsh unless it comes to babies. Oh, we love babies so much, but we might never have them.

    Ohhh. Why? Are you guys like… *checks dictionary for the politically correct word, settles on impotent* …impotent?

    Jemimah: LMAO. Oh goodness.

    Nelson: LMAO. Oh I don’t know. Just that Jemimah doesn’t want babies and I’m not sure I want to bring any into this world too. 

    Jemimah: We’re yet to test the potency of both our gonads, but we’re not interested in having them because they’re stressful. Biologically and economically. Honestly, I worry about bringing a child into a world that I don’t want to live in on most days. 

    I also worry about my capacity to be a lifetime caregiver and nurturer for another person. There’s no telling if I’ll be bad at it. And unfortunately, you can’t return babies when you can’t cope with them. I also worry about how my body will take it. I don’t think pregnancy is an easy feat. I’m just as afraid of childbirth as I’m afraid of kidney surgery.

    Have you considered adoption? 

    Jemimah: Not opposed to the idea at all.

    Nelson: I agree with all she has to say, except the bit about being a good caregiver. Jemimah has many amazing traits, but the reason why I love her most — and I’ve told her many times — is how kind she is. Deep down, she’s golden. 

    We were in traffic the other day and a man’s car was on fire. The man was doing a good job of putting it out, but my girlfriend was frantically trying to open the door to help out. That’s how she is, reflexively. So I know she’ll be a gift to any kid if she has one. But yeah, the world might not need more babies.

    Jemimah: Wow. I- 

    Girl, same. I need a moment to appreciate how beautiful your relationship is. 

    Jemimah: I think I need a moment to appreciate it some more too. 

    Nelson: Babe, I’ve learnt a lot from you on how to approach important decisions and I love you, deeply. I just want to impregnate you and run away.

    Ahhh. Like run away from the baby and her?

    Nelson: Forget about those insignificant details. 

    Jemimah: Omo. Men. 

    LMAO. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10

    Jemimah: For me, 10. Never had it this good. Very happy here, will not recommend because it’s for only me.

    Nelson: A 9 for me, because I feel I can still do better to make her even happier.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    QUIZ: What’s Your Love Language?

    Words of affirmation or quality time? Take this quiz.

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  • Love Life: We Fell In Love Without Ever Meeting

    Love Life: We Fell In Love Without Ever Meeting

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Fell In Love Without Ever Meeting

    *Klaus, 28, and Lilian, 24, have been in a romantic relationship for about a year without ever meeting each other. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their love and how they cope with a long-distance relationship. 

    long distance relationship

    What’s the relationship here?

    Lilian: Klaus and I are dating. 

    Klaus: Lilian is the love of my life. 

    How did you meet?

    Lilian: In December 2018, we met in a school fellowship group chat.

    Klaus:  There was a send-off party organised for her academic class and after the party, they posted some pictures in the group and that was how I saw her picture. My first reaction was, “Wow! This girl has an incredible smile.” So, I sent her a private message. 

    Lilian: Really? I didn’t even know this.

    Adorable. At what point did you fall for each other? 

    Klaus: After talking for a while, we built a rapport. Although she was a little sceptical, the conversations we had were pretty decent. 

    Lilian: For me, it wasn’t immediate. It was January or February 2019 when we would talk for 30 – 45 minutes on the phone. We had similar interests. He knew how to sew and I was just learning.

    At some point, I realised that I was always looking forward to telling him about my day. That was when it hit me like, “Come oh, you like this guy.”

    How soon after did you start dating?

    Lilian:  This is a bit complex because I remember he told me he was going back to our school to get something, and then he casually mentioned he was going to see his girlfriend.

    Omo, I felt like I was just there catching feelings no one was throwing at me. I started withdrawing because I didn’t want intense conversations anymore. I decided to bury my feelings.

    Klaus: What? Really?

    Lilian: Yes na. At some point, he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, but I wasn’t convinced. Then when I went to NYSC camp in November 2019, we resumed talking for hours on the phone. My friends even started teasing me. The emotions I thought I had pushed aside came flooding back. 

    Ahhh. I thought we buried those.

    Lilian: Same oh. But when he travelled and I couldn’t reach him for several weeks, I started acting weird, snapping at people. Thoughts of him filled my head and it was so invasive.

    I tried to deny those feelings because I knew we had not defined things. It was annoying because our story wasn’t a typical boy-meets-girl-and-goes-on-dates-with-her. I was mad at myself because I felt all these emotions without ever meeting him.

    Deep down, I knew I was in love with him, but I didn’t want to be the first person to say it. Then on Christmas Day last year, I was about to sleep when he texted me, “I love you.” I called him back immediately and that’s how it started. 

    Klaus: I think timing is everything. By the time I asked her out, she was in a better place to accept my request. That night was something else for me. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t call because I was lost for words.

    How do you manage the distance? Do you fight often? 

    Klaus: What? Makers of peace like us?

    Lilian: Haha. I wouldn’t call what we have ‘fights’; they are more of disagreements. On my end, I am very reserved and like to keep to myself a lot. Sometimes, I tend to unplug from things and it affects the relationship.

    We had an argument and that was when I realised that this relationship is different. Most times, I ghost completely after an argument and that’s the end, but in this case, I love how he makes me feel, so we end up sorting things out.

    Klaus: I understand that you are very introverted and all but sometimes, I require more. You come through but only with a lot of cajoling on my end. 

    Lilian: It’s not all the time na. It’s rare. 

    Klaus: Mami, I never really register those things as serious issues. It was just the time when you had serious issues with expressing yourself and it put most of the communication on me. It wasn’t easy. I just think you need to put in a little more effort.

    Have you guys ever tried to meet in person? 

    Lilian:  We made plans but then Corona hit, so now, we are making new arrangements. 

    Klaus: I have it all planned out. Problem is, I have a few work commitments so I just can’t go to see my baby girl yet. 

    What’s the hardest part about long-distance dating?

    Lilian: Not being able to have the simplest conversations with him physically present. I can’t wait till we see because if just talking to him makes me feel this way, then being with him physically should be explosive. 

    Klaus: There is a special feeling that comes with being physically present with a lover. The heightened senses, prolonged moments of intimacy and longer periods of communication without uttering a single word. I just want to spend physical time with my love. 

    This is just beautiful. How do you guys deal with the urge to…yunno?

    Lillian: Yunno what?

    Yunno…

    Klaus: We recite by heart the book of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob until the urge to…yunno…dies a premature death. 

    LMAO. Killing the spirit of horniness with the good book. Love it. 

    Klaus: I like to fantasize for a bit without dwelling too much on it, seeing as nothing can be done about that. Sometimes, I call her and we talk for a while. That’s as good as it gets.

    Lilian: Haha. I’m actually speechless by the way but yes. The urge comes and goes. I know I won’t look great as a pregnant corper so that quickly kills the urge anyway. I’m just paranoid, that’s it. 

    Wait, is this a celibate relationship? 

    Lilian: Yes. 

    Klaus: I don’t think so. We are too far apart to define that aspect of our relationship right now. 

    Are you worried the chemistry won’t be there in person? 

    Klaus: Well, we do a lot of video calls, so I don’t think that’ll be the case.

    Lilian: Oh, I’m sure I’m going to like him in person. 

    Klaus: You’re making me shy. Haha. My fear is that the time we might get to spend with each other might not be enough for me. 

    What do you want the first meeting to look like? 

    Klaus: I would prefer the initial moments of our first encounter to be private, so that if there are any bits of excitement, it would be for our sole consumption. Then by the time we’ve exhausted all that excitement, we can look for a public space. I think we might spend a lot of time indoors. 

    Lilian: I don’t want it too planned out because there’s already anxiety and nerves. I just want something fun. 

    Is this your first time in a long-distance relationship?

    Klaus: Yes, it is. Compared to my previous relationships, this feels better too. We have such a strong emotional and intellectual connection. She is the smartest woman, so it feels better.

     Lilian: This is also my first time in this kind of relationship. It still surprises me how I’m able to adapt so much. I usually call him my uncharted territory.

    You know how you don’t realise how thirsty you are until you take cool water. That’s how this relationship feels to me. I didn’t know what I was missing until I had it. Bliss. 

    What would you consider your biggest fear in this relationship?

    Klaus: Not making the best out of the relationship. Caving in to the pressure and expectations people have of us.

    Lilian: I fear that in the long run, we will start to yearn for more physical proximity, and the fact that we aren’t in the same city will affect that. 

    Would you be willing to change cities to be with each other? 

    Klaus: Without hesitation.

    Lilian: You’re going to make me cry. Changing cities for me is a huge thing just because I have my family to consider. If work can move me there, then fine. That’s the concrete reason I want to raise with my mum when having that conversation. 

    What do you love the most about each other? 

    Lilian:  I love that we have things in common so that when we are talking, he doesn’t get lost. I love how much he pays attention to details. Most importantly, I love how he loves me. I love you, baby boy. 

    Klaus: I’m glad I got to meet someone like my chubbylove. It’s rare to find someone so special. My introverted sugar and spice mami. She is truly irreplaceable in my life. 

    Lilian: Awwn, babe!

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: I Still Can’t Believe He’s Gone

    Love Life: I Still Can’t Believe He’s Gone

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: I Still Can’t Believe He’s Gone

    Derin, 21, and Oke, 21, had been together for a little over a year before Oke’s tragic death cut their love story short. For today’s Love Life, Derin talks about how they went from best friends to lovers, and all the plans they had for their future together.

    derin and oke love

    What was your first memory of meeting Oke?

    I met him in school in February 2018. I went to study for exams with a friend, and I saw him on her bed, pressing his laptop. My first thought was, “Who is this fine boy?” The moment we spoke, it was clear that he wasn’t like the other guys in my school. 

    I initiated our first conversation because he was really shy. I remember he was watching Grown-ish, and I gave him my laptop to send it to me. We didn’t immediately exchange numbers, but we followed each other on Twitter.

    What happened next?

    We talked on Twitter for a bit, then we moved to WhatsApp and basically became best friends. 

    Ah. Best friends?

    LMAO. Yeah. We were best friends for a while. I liked him as a friend, but I didn’t see him as a potential lover. He always talked about how stressful it was that he was so obviously into me, and I was there forming best friends. 

    The thing is, we would talk every single day. I found him really cool and smart, but in my head, I just couldn’t picture myself dating a guy my age; I’ve always had a thing for older guys. Oke was so deep in my friend zone, I would even tell him about other guys I liked. 

    LMAO. Ouch. Did he ever tell you how he felt?

    Yeah, he did. He actually asked me out around February last year, but I turned him down. He made it clear that even though I didn’t feel the same way, he was still happy being friends and getting to spend time with me.

    I promised him that if my feelings ever changed, I would let him know.

    When did you realise your feelings had changed?

    A few months later. In June 2019, he moved into the same building as me so we could be closer in our final year. I was in Room 9 and he was in Room 20, so we were basically roommates. We did everything together and got even closer.

    By July, I realised I had fallen in love with him. I remember writing it in my Notes app.

    derin and oke love
    Derin’s note about falling for Oke.

    Did you tell him as you promised?

    LMAO. I dropped a few hints. He figured it out, and we started dating on August 15.

    What was the transition from best friends to partners like?

    I know it’s supposed to be easy, but it really wasn’t. Even though we knew so much about each other, it still felt like we didn’t know enough. I definitely found the transition a lot harder than Oke did. 

    I not only had to unlearn my age bias, but I also had to let my guard down in a whole new way, and that was difficult for me. I eventually got the hang of it, but the first three months were tough. We argued too often.

    What did you guys argue about?

    It was always about the most trivial things, and I hated it so much. He was still my best friend, so I couldn’t stand when we weren’t talking. To be fair, the fights were mostly my fault because he was such a gentle person.

    Honestly, he was perfect. 

    What’s the longest you went without talking?

    Our longest fight lasted about a week and a half. I was going through a lot at the time, and I sent him a text about needing to speak to him. He told me to leave a message because he couldn’t talk at the moment. I didn’t because I was mentally exhausted. 

    Later that night, he hit me up so we could talk, but I told him I wasn’t in the best mental state to have the conversation anymore. He got angry, then I got angry and it became this big fight. For over a week, we didn’t talk — only texted to check up on each other. 

    We eventually apologised, and that’s when he sent me that email I shared on Twitter. Emails were how we typically resolved our major issues, and we also used them to randomly send each other mushy messages.

    derin and oke love
    derin and oke love
    One of Oke’s many “mushy” emails to Derin.

    That’s so sweet. Had you dated anyone before him?

    Yeah. Two other people, but my relationship with Oke was very different. It was calming and full of love. We did everything together, and he always looked out for me. He taught me how to love wholly and without fear. That was his style.

    Was that what you loved the most about him?

    It was one of the many things, but what I loved the most was his perspective. Oke always thought outside the box. If you ask me, I think he lived a full life on earth before coming back a second time. How else could someone so young have been so brilliant?

    How did your relationship with him change you?

    It made me a better…everything. A better listener, communicator and lover. Since his death, I’ve been thinking about just how much he changed me. He was a very empathetic person, and that rubbed off on me. He taught me how to look out for others. 

    Did you guys ever talk about the future?

    All the time. We had plans of settling down in about two or three years. We talked about everything, from what our rings would look like, to how our wedding would be. For both of us, we were each other’s final bus stop.

    Would you call him your soulmate then?

    I don’t really believe in the idea of soulmates, but Oke and I complemented each other in the best ways. We were very different, but we were always in sync. On most days, it definitely felt like we were made for each other. 

    Derin and Oke

    Are you fine with talking about the day he passed?

    Yeah, I am.

    Can you walk me through that day?

    Oke and I were always busy during the day, but we would make out time to talk on the phone at around 11:00 p.m. every night. We did the same thing the night before he died. After talking and working together, I went to bed at around 2:00 a.m.

    The next morning, he texted me about how hard it was to calm his hypertensive mother because of the shootings going on in his area. I continued to check up on him, then he told me they’d set his mum’s cars on fire. 

    The last message he read from me said, “We’ll get through the day.”

    How did you find out what had happened?

    I went on Twitter, and I saw someone tweet that they had gunned down their cousin at Mafoluku. I sent him the tweet on WhatsApp, but it didn’t deliver. That’s how my heart started beating fast.

    I sent him another message asking him to keep me in the loop, but that didn’t deliver either. So, I decided to call him. No one answered. At that point, I just assumed that he and his family were trying to get to safety. 

    I waited for about five minutes and called again, and this time, his brother answered. He said that someone had been stabbed, and I should find a way to get an ambulance. So, I immediately tweeted it out. I still had no idea it was Oke. 

    What did you think was happening?

    I assumed he couldn’t answer the phone because he was being his normal empathetic self and helping the person who had been stabbed. After trying and failing to reach him again, I started getting tense, so I searched “Mafoluku Oshodi” on Twitter.

    I saw a couple of tweets that said the area was now calm, but I kept scrolling and that’s when I saw Oke’s picture on the TL. He was lying on the floor, lifeless, with blood coming out from his neck. I screamed. 

    All my neighbours ran to my house. My sisters and I were already on the floor, wailing. I eventually calmed myself down with the hope that they were able to get him to the hospital before he died. 

    How did you get an update?

    I was able to finally reach his brother. One of my neighbours collected my phone and started communicating on my behalf. His brother eventually told my neighbour that Oke didn’t make it. When my neighbour broke the news to me, I went numb. 

    I felt like my whole world had come crashing down.

    I’m so sorry. How were the following days for you?

    For the rest of the week, I could barely eat or sleep. It was the toughest week of my life. Even my sisters were down. He came around a lot, so he was like a brother to them. They loved him so much.

    I’m really sorry, Derin. How are you holding up now?

    It’s tough. I randomly find myself wondering why it had to be Oke. I can’t believe I haven’t spoken to him in weeks. Almost every day, I read through our chats, listen to his voice notes and go through our pictures. 

    I still can’t believe he’s gone.

    What’s something you’ll always remember about your relationship?

    I’ll always remember how intentional we were about making it work. We put in so much effort into our relationship and were always open about what we liked and what we didn’t.

    I’ll also remember how he would just randomly tell me, “OMG! You’re so cute.”

    If you knew what you know now, would you have done anything differently?

    If I knew my relationship would be cut short, I would have made sure we didn’t postpone so many things. We moved a lot of our plans to 2021 because we thought we had so much time. 

    Still, I’m grateful for all we could do together while he was here. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    NerdEfiko

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  • Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio – Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    *Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted. 

    What’s the relationship here?

    Caroline:  We used to date.

    Somto:  She’s my ex. 

    How long did you guys date for?

    Somto:  We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.

    Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th. 

    Tell me about your relationship.

    Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship.. 

    Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.

    Somto, do you think you’re easily persuaded to do things you don’t want to? 

    I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. 

    Interesting. How did the relationship end?

    Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt. 

    Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up. 

    Yikes. Somto, are you with your ex now?

    No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.

    Caroline mentioned fights. What exactly were you guys fighting about?

    Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.

    Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong. 

    Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself. 

    Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.

    Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.

    What did you guys hate about the relationship?

    Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship. 

    Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together. 

    What was your sex life like?

    Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.

    Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.

    What did you pick up from the relationship?

    Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her. 

    Caroline:  His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed. 

    Are you guys still attracted to each other? 

    Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him. 

    Somto:  I would assume so. Probably. 

    How did you guys get over the break up? 

    Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me. 

    Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.

    The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived. 

    Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you. 

    Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad. 

    Somto: Did I? Did I really? 

    Caroline:  You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.

    If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.

    Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.

    When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.

    Somto, would you say you dated her out of pity? 

    Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex. 

    Caroline: Wow.

    So, she was a rebound?

    Somto:  💀

    Caroline:  It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this. 

    Is there a chance of getting back together at all?

    Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.

    Somto: I don’t think so. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: We Hate Having To Hide Our Love

    Love Life: We Hate Having To Hide Our Love

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: Love Life – We Hate Having To Hide Our Love

    *Dorcas, 22, and *Lara, 18, have been dating for 9 months now. For today’s Love Life, they talk about hiding their long-distance relationship from their religious families, all while trying to plan a future together.

    What’s your earliest memory of your partner?

    Dorcas: Swiping right on Tinder. She didn’t even have a profile picture, but I thought her name was interesting. We matched. . She wasn’t very active on Tinder, so we took things to WhatsApp. Then she asked me out. 

    Lara: Funny thing is, I remember her asking me out with a song. I think the song is “Suited” by Shekinah.

    Dorcas: I told her that I was done dating for the year and just wanted to have fun, but she kept shooting her shot. After a month of chatting, I realised that I actually loved her. 

    What do you love the most about her?

    Dorcas: Her smile. I had no idea that people with gap-tooth could be so beautiful when they smiled. Every single time she smiles, I’m like, ‘Oh my God. She is so beautiful’.

    Lara: Dorcas gives the best advice. I cannot make a decision without letting her know. She knows what to say at any given situation and she is so supportive. 

    Speaking of support, how is your family handling your relationship? 

     Lara: They are not aware. My parents are conservative and religious. They do not accept our kind of relationship, so, right now, only my close friends know. 

    Dorcas: Right now, only my brother is aware.  He found out because he kept probing, but he is super cool about it. I can’t tell my mum because I don’t think she’s ready. I have been dropping hints about not bringing home a husband. I’m always like, “Don’t be too disappointed if I don’t get married”.

    So, marriage is not in the plan?

    Dorcas: It is, but marriage isn’t an endpoint. Tags are not my thing, but I want us to always be together in a committed relationship. If that ends up being a marriage, then sure. 

    Lara: Dorcas and I have spoken about it and yes, it’s something we’d like to do. My biggest worry about marriage is disappointing my family, but I can’t help it. I am not going to live an unhappy life to make them feel better. If things get to a point where they cut me off, then I’ll learn to accept it. 

    Dorcas: I grew up in a very religious family. I think my mum might die if she finds out.  She’s slowly accepting the fact that I don’t have or want a boyfriend, but she made me promise not to join the ‘LGBT+ clique’. She said it like it was a cult or something. I have sha been preparing her for the worst. 

    Speaking of which, do you plan to have kids?

    Lara:  YES. I want children, so we are definitely having kids.

    Dorcas: I am not really a baby person. They are cute and I love my nieces and nephews, but I am not freaked out by the baby thing Lara wants them though, so, yes, we are having them.

    Nice. Do you feel heterosexual relationships are different in any way from what you share?

    Lara: I haven’t been in a heterosexual relationship so I’m not sure how it works, but I’ll say that in a lesbian relationship, both parties are getting more pleasure from the sex because they understand their bodies. 

    Dorcas: Yes. The sex is definitely longer and more thrilling. There are no defined roles, no head-neck thing here, just two women loving each other. Although, she tends to take the lead during sex, showing me what she wants me to do and I just follow through. She’s actually my first. 

    Awww, so cute. Asides homophobes and the Nigerian government, what has been the biggest threat to your relationship? 

    Dorcas: Like most relationships, we have misunderstandings. For me, it’s that Lara doesn’t like to step out of her comfort zone. I find myself making most of the moves to see her and I want her to do more. Another thing is having to hide.

    My love language is spending quality time, and I hate the fact that I can’t love her openly and freely. The other day, she came to see me and everyone kept calling her my friend. I introduced her as my baby and they said they know, but I don’t think they do. 

    Lara: It’s the distance for me — we hardly get to see each other. We once had this fight about this online couple contest. We were supposed to send our pictures in for the contest.

    I agreed at first but after asking a few questions, I wasn’t comfortable with it anymore. It caused a disagreement because Dorcas had already sent in the pictures and wasn’t sure how to tell them we weren’t participating anymore. Plus, Dorcas can get really mean, haha. 

    One thing you both have in common is coming from a religious family. How do you reconcile your faith with your sexuality?

    Dorcas: At first, I used to be very churchy. My relationship with God involved a lot of praying for answers about who I am, but I soon realised that God doesn’t make mistakes. I am a masterpiece.

    I know that God loves me and that’s enough for me. For people who like to threaten gay people with bible quotes, I’ll say this: there was a time when the bible was used to endorse slavery. Now, times have changed and a lot of things have to be revised. 

    Lara: It’s really difficult, but I still have to hold on to God. My parents are super religious and they carry all of us along so I’d say my faith is pretty strong. Although, I have found myself wondering what would happen if I wasn’t a lesbian. I didn’t choose to be like this. I like this life. I like loving my woman. 

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • Love Life: We Met on Twitter, But I Already Had a Boyfriend

    Love Life: We Met on Twitter, But I Already Had a Boyfriend

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Met On Twitter, But I Already Had A Boyfriend

    *Kola, 28, and *Cynthia, 27, have been dating for almost six years now. For today’s Love Life, they talk about finding each other on Twitter, navigating an already-existing relationship, and why they are still yet to have their first major fight.

    What’s your first memory of your partner?

    Cynthia: It was 2014; the day before my birthday. Since it was going to fall on a Wednesday, I jokingly tweeted that people use me as their #WomanCrushWednesday. He replied with “Sure” and immediately DMed to ask for my picture. 

    Kola: The first thing I noticed was her beauty, let me not lie. Then as we got to know each other, her personality drew me in. We didn’t always have the same views, but that didn’t stop us from talking non-stop.   

    Do you remember meeting each other in person for the first time?

    Cynthia: I remember him walking over to me at a social event and introducing himself with his Twitter handle. He was clearly shy, but I found that cute.

    Kola: I remember being wowed by her confidence. Whenever she walks into a room, people stare, but it never fazes her. She’s very comfortable in her own skin. 

    When did you know you were into each other?

    Kola: I was interested in her from the first day I DMed her. I just never did anything. 

    Cynthia: For me, it was about two months after we met. We became good friends, and I got to know him better. I was actually in a relationship at the time, but he challenged me in ways that my then-boyfriend didn’t. 

    I knew he liked me, but he never said anything. He was very respectful of my relationship. I loved that he never came on too strong. That restraint was just one of the reasons I fell for him.

    Kola, were you waiting for the relationship to end?

    I honestly wasn’t. I’m not a very perceptive person, so I didn’t even clock that she liked me. At that time, I was just happy to have someone I could talk to about anything and everything. I was actually expecting the whole situation to end in tears for me.

    Cynthia, how did you go from that relationship to this one?

    That relationship was falling apart, but I wasn’t ready to give up on it. I wanted to try and make it work. I even went as far as getting relationship advice from Kola. Still, nothing seemed to be working. We had serious communication issues. 

    I eventually ended things, but it wasn’t because of Kola. It just wasn’t working anymore. So, sometime after the break-up, I finally asked him what he wanted from me. He opened up, and we’ve been together ever since.

    Kola, would you have made a move if she didn’t?

    This is a question I ask myself all the time. As she said, I’m a very shy person, but I think I would have eventually made a move. I would have probably just waited a little longer for the coast to be clear. 

    I never wanted her to get the impression that I was waiting around for things to end with him. 

    Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

    Cynthia: I know you won’t believe me, but it’s been almost six years, and I’m still waiting for our first major fight. We have a couple of rules set in place that have helped prevent that from happening. 

    Kola: Yeah. More than anything, we are both committed to making this relationship work. So, we never let anything fester. If she complains about something, I know it’s not coming from a bad place. I simply listen and adjust. 

    Cynthia, what are the rules?

    Firstly, we never raise our voices when we disagree. Secondly, we never hang up on each other. Lastly, we never go to bed mad. These rules have allowed us to respectfully voice our opinions. 

    When did you know you had fallen in love?

    Kola: It was two months after we started dating. I worked close to her house, and I used to visit her three times a week at the start of our relationship. By the second month, my day felt incomplete if I hadn’t seen her. That was when it hit me.

    Cynthia: It was within the first month for me. We were texting, and I randomly brought up the fact that I was craving Big Treat’s coconut bread — the bakery was right across the road from the office I was in. 

    We continued texting for a bit, and I eventually decided to go get the bread. I got to Big Treat and there he was. The first thing he said was, “They’re out of coconut bread.” At that moment, I couldn’t care less about the bread. I was just wowed by the gesture.

    The second one happened two weeks later, and it’s also food-related — don’t judge, it’s the way to my heart. I was staying with a friend and I told him I was craving Nutella. That’s how he showed up with two huge jars. 

    met on Twitter

    How has this relationship been different from your past ones?

    Kola: First of all, it’s been the longest. My longest relationship before this was about six months. It’s also the first time I’m receiving the love I’m putting out. In my other relationships, I was seen as too intense, but with her, my kind of love is appreciated.

    Cynthia: It’s also been my longest. Before this, my longest relationship was two years. It’s definitely been my most challenging so far because I put in the work every day. We both do. And most importantly, he appreciates me in ways that none of my exes ever did.

    What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

    Kola: I think the most unconventional thing about us is that we have reviews. From time to time, we sit down and break down where we are in our relationship. It’s our way of ensuring that our interests still align.

    It can feel both technical and romantic at the same time. It’s not entirely planned out, but we have it often. We discuss things we’ve noticed about each other since the last review.

    It allows us to bring up the areas we think we can both improve. At the end of the day, we are both human, and we drop the ball sometimes. So, we have these meetings to address those instances. 

    How has the relationship changed you?

    Cynthia: I’m a social butterfly, and he’s the exact opposite. So, I’ve had to ensure that he never feels uncomfortable or overwhelmed when we go out. This has taught me to be a lot more considerate.

    Kola: I’ve learnt to relax and be more outgoing. I’m also a lot bolder. I never used to be the most confident person, but that’s not the case anymore. I’m a little braver and it’s all because of her. 

    What has been the biggest step you’ve made in your relationship?

    Cynthia: Moving in together.

    What has that been like?

    Kola: It’s been a few months, and the experience has been better than I could have imagined. We haven’t discovered any strange habits yet, but to be fair, we used to spend a lot of time together before the move.

    Where do you see your relationship in five years?

    Cynthia: Happier and closer. Definitely married with a kid or two. 

    Kola: As she said, married with a kid or two — we haven’t decided yet. Also, we should be living in a country that’s actually fit to raise children. If that’s Nigeria in five years, then so be it. 

    Cynthia: Nigeria? You and who?

    LMAO. How have you guys kept the passion alive for this long?

    Kola and Cynthia: Love, respect and commitment.

    What’s the best thing about dating each other?

    Kola: The consistency and energy. I’m never in doubt of how she feels about me. I never have to beg for attention or consideration. Honestly, nothing compares to having your energy reciprocated. 

    Cynthia: There are so many things to pick from. I love that he shows up every fucking day with the same energy. I can’t believe I landed the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful man I’ve ever met. He makes me feel appreciated every damn day.

    If you had to give the relationship a grade?

    Kola: A+. Once we get married, it will move to A++.

    Cynthia: A+ too. I’m really grateful for the broken roads that led me to him.

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    NerdEfiko

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  • Love Life: The New Zikoko Series That’ll Have You Asking, “God When?”

    Love Life: The New Zikoko Series That’ll Have You Asking, “God When?”

    Ope Adedeji and I came up with the idea for Sex Life almost a year ago, and it quickly became one of Zikoko’s most successful flagship series. So, we decided to see if we could make magic happen again, and that’s how we decided on Love Life. 

    What is Love Life?

    If it’s not already painfully obvious from the name — we are lazy, sue us — Love Life will focus on the highs and lows of romantic relationships, ranging from decade-long marriages to complicated entanglements.

    We can’t take all the credit for this series though. Every time we’ve conducted a survey around the interests of you guys, our wonderful audience, a relationship series has been one of your biggest asks. After a lot of internal debates, you’re finally getting it.

    What will the series look like?

    While the average Sex Life story follows a subject’s sexual journey from as early as childhood, Love Life stories will pick up from the moment the couple in question first met each other. It will also be the first Zikoko flagship series to interview two (or maybe more) people at once.

    That being said, the series will have one major thing in common with Sex Life: Inclusivity. We will be talking to queer couples, couples in open marriages, polyamorous partners and more. Every kind of relationship will be explored. 

    There will also be audio recordings of each Love Life story at the top of the article, with voice actors reading the parts of the couple we interview. It’s our first time doing something like this, and we couldn’t think of a better series to try out this format with.

    When should you expect Love Life stories?

    Starting tomorrow, the 29th of October, 2020, a new Love Life story will be available every Thursday by 9 AM.

    How can you share your story?

    If you would like you and your partner to be interviewed for Love Life, all you have to do is fill this form.

    https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1321499682766467072?s=20

    NerdEfiko

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