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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Ejiro*, 23, and Mimi*, 22, have been dating for over a year. Today on Love Life, they talk about running away from their homes to build a life together, learning to survive on their own and what a future looks like for them.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Ejiro: It was sometime in January 2020. I was scrolling on Twitter one night when I saw her tweets. She said no one cared about her, so I reached out. I don’t know how to make friends and I didn’t know what to say to her, but somehow the conversation went fine. We talked all night and continued talking the next day.
Mimi: I won’t lie, when I saw her message, I felt weird because she said she cared about me. In my head, I was like, “You don’t know me,” but she was nice so I kept replying. Our conversation went on for days. She used to send me dry jokes via email.
Ejiro: I wanted to make her laugh. She would call me to tell me random stuff, like a car she saw driving too fast. She went out a lot more than I did and had friends to hang with, so she had lots of stories. I looked forward to her because it’s was like living vicariously through her. She has this weird laugh that made me tingle. That’s how we kept talking for a month. I felt comfortable talking to her. We told each other our dreams. I wanted to go to culinary school and she’s a writer trying to go into tech.
Aww, so how did talking every day lead to a relationship?
Mimi: She asked me out. It was strange to me because she was seeing this other babe. I was also having sex with someone else, so when Ejiro asked me to date her, I didn’t take her seriously.
Ejiro: She ghosted me for two days.
Mimi: I was like, who is this one trying to play with? I liked her, so I was scared that if I said yes, she’d hurt me. I turned off my phone for two days to think about it.
Ejiro: I had exams during that period. I usually don’t read at night class but that night I had to go because I was too distracted thinking about her.
Mimi: During this time, I told my best friend about Ejiro. I wanted to say yes but I didn’t understand Ejiro’s plans for me. When I went online, I asked about her other women. She said she was going to end things with them.
Ejiro: And I did. Then I asked her out officially via email. She said yes.
How has the relationship been so far?
Ejiro: This has been my longest relationship ever. I have only ever dated women and things never worked out between me and those women. When Mimi and I started dating, I was in Delta state and she was in Uyo. She came to see me in March 2020 when ASUU was striking. When the lockdown happened, she was with me and we went to my parents’ house together. It was risky, but there was no other option. I told my parents that she was my friend and had nowhere else to go.
Mimi: My parents thought I was stuck in school. During this time, things were great between Ejiro and me. I stayed with her family for three months before returning to Uyo.
Then what happened?
Ejiro: In August, someone outed me to my parents, and I had to run away from home. That period was hell. My mum kept calling Mimi and accused her of turning me into a lesbian. It was a lot, and Mimi was also dealing with her own stuff.
What was going on?
Mimi: In December 2020, I tried to kill myself. My dad was sexually abusive and my mum blamed me. It was on Twitter I learnt this wasn’t my fault.
That Christmas, he started bullying me because I didn’t let him have his way with me. I made sure I was busy all the time to avoid being alone with him. To escape, I tried to drink a bottle of Sniper. I ended up not doing it, but I didn’t see much of an alternative. When I told Ejiro about it, she asked me to come to her school.
Ejiro: She came in January 2021 and was supposed to spend a week. One week became two weeks. Next thing, a month passed and she just never went back.
Wow, how did both of you cope?
Ejiro: Omo! During that period, it felt like there was a dark cloud over our heads. There were days where we couldn’t eat. We were squatting in somebody else’s house because our jobs were not paying enough to be able to afford rent. It was hellish, but we got through it.
What changed?
Mimi: Somehow, we started getting more jobs and were able to save up to get an apartment in Sapele. I was used to hardship, but Ejiro wasn’t. It was difficult watching her suffer through that period, but we are better now. I remember when I made my first ₦50k from writing this year. We saved aggressively, and in October 2021, we were able to move to Lagos so Ejiro could attend culinary school. We are not where we want to be yet though.
Where do you want to be?
Mimi: I want us to make more money and be financially stable.
Ejiro: Yup, and we are working towards it.
Nice. Tell me about your biggest fight.
Ejiro: We had just rented our first apartment in Sapele and moving in was stressful. We had to carry furniture on our heads because the road was terrible and no driver agreed to drive their car on it with heavy load. I don’t like stressing Mimi, so I left her in the new house and went to get the rest of our stuff. When I came back, Mimi was angry I had left her all day. She was yelling. I had never seen her like that before.
While she was angry, I left the house. I felt bad because it was our first day at our new apartment — it was supposed to be special. When I came home, I saw that she had been crying. I gave her the food I got her and we talked about it.
Mimi: When Ejiro is stressed, she ignores me and shuts out the world. She would make plans on how to solve the issue on her own and not tell me about it. That day, she didn’t tell me where she was going. My battery was dead and I could not reach her. I was so mad. If she had at least told me where and what she was going to do, it would be easier for me. It’s also what I hated about being in a long-distance relationship with Ejiro. She would just forget about me and I didn’t like it. I don’t have any problem with constantly texting or calling, but I feel like I am the one always initiating it. She also doesn’t know how to talk.
Ejiro: The thing is I don’t know how to do long distance. Calls and texts frustrate me as opposed to being with her in person. It’s a big struggle for me but I am trying. The way we’ve planned our future, we may have to be in a long-distance relationship for about one or two years so I have to do the work if we are going to stay together.
How are you two now?
Mimi: I just joined Ejiro in our Lagos apartment and our relationship has improved. But there’s some more work to be done.
Like what?
Ejiro: The plan is to leave Nigeria soon. Mimi is studying to be a developer and after culinary school. The goal is to find jobs outside Nigeria and move.
Mimi: We also want to get married.
What’s the best part of the relationship for both of you?
Mimi: Ejiro is my best friend. We talk about any and everything. No matter what’s happening in our lives, we are still able to talk to each other, and that’s the best thing for me.
Ejiro: I call her my spine because I don’t feel fear when I’m with her. She accepts me the way I am and this is huge for me because I always felt like I had to be a different person when interacting with people.
What is your favourite thing about each other?.
Mimi: She’s funny in a dry way and I love it. She’s also a great listener. Sometimes I say something and think she hasn’t heard me but then later, she makes a joke about it. It makes me feel loved.
Ejiro: Is it selfish of me to say her eyes are my favourite thing about her?
Not at all. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10.
Ejiro: 8 because we are not where we need to be but we are getting there. I don’t want to see Mimi lack anything. I know that the way we are now is much better than how things were six months ago, so I’m hopeful. I know that getting stable jobs will definitely help our relationship.
Mimi: 10 for me because my happiness is not dependent on the state of our finances. I am happy with her in this relationship. I did something big by moving to Lagos with her and I am proud of us for that.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Queenie (23) and Omeiza (30) chatted for three months before meeting for the first time. The plan was to become friends, but they found love in the process. Today on Love Life,they discuss peace they have found in each other, and the qualities that make them perfect.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Queenie: The first time I saw Omeiza’s picture, I think I laughed a little. A friend introduced us. He sent us each other’s contact and pictures. Omeiza was sporting an Afro and had a round neck t-shirt on. But the picture was taken in a way that emphasised his “pink lips.” My first thought was, “Ahan, this shakara is too much oh.” The picture looked like something you could use as a “feeling fly” meme.
Omeiza: I met Queenie through a friend. The friend visited me after a long period of absence and we caught up on everything we had been up to. The following day, he told me he knew a beautiful lady he was sure I would like and who would like me too, so he shared her contact and I called her to say “Hello.” We became friends immediately. I don’t remember what her profile picture was, but the beauty was obvious. I remember thinking, “Ahan, such a babe.”
Why did this friend introduce you both? Was it an attempt to matchmake?
Queenie: I wouldn’t say matchmake per se. I think he did it as a means to make Omeiza and I become friends, but see us today: we are now more than friends.
Omeiza: My friend is an interesting person. During our catching up, he was very curious about who I was dating and I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone because dating had been exhausting and I needed a break. He laughed and said, “I know you won’t be able to cope considering you are a nerd.” He then said if I were to date and put myself out there more, I was bound to meet someone. In my mind, I was like, “Na so e easy?” During that conversation, he decided to introduce me to Queenie. I think he wanted us to meet first, become friends and decide if we liked each other.
So, matchmaking it is, but from a friendship angle. Nice. What were the first chats like?
Queenie: The chats were cool, I think. Omeiza was a complete nerd. He started with ‘Hi’, then he went ahead to tell me his full name, which I found funny, but I told him mine as well. We are both from Kogi state, and that made me curious and interested in getting to know him more.
Omeiza: It’s time to come clean here. My first message was “Hi, I am Omeiza. Ola gave me your number.” I am still suffering for using that line. She has never stopped taunting me after almost two years of meeting her.
As she should. Did coming from Kogi state make everything easier?
Omeiza: Omo, as much as I thought that could work to my advantage, it didn’t oh.
Queenie: We are both from Kogi state but different local government areas.
And this made things difficult… how?
Omeiza: She didn’t want to date someone from her state. Me neither, but I was quite flexible. As for her, the door of that possibility was tightly closed.
Queenie: It’s not like that, please. I am just not interested in men from Kogi state. Kogi men are aggressive. I knew quite a number of them and the aggressiveness seemed like a visible pattern in all of them. Me, I’m soft and I don’t like wahala, and so I decided to avoid them completely.
When Omeiza and I started having meaningful conversations, I saw how different and really cool he was and was like, “Hmm, nice one.” I realised my reservations were not totally true, so I let my guard down and re-examined my bias.
Ahan, look at Omeiza breaking stereotypes. Omeiza, why didn’t you want to date someone from Kogi state?
Omeiza: After visiting Kogi state three times, it seemed to me that the ladies there do not have a mind of their own. They are overly submissive, especially those who grew up in the state. It’s not that I cannot date someone from Kogi state; I am open to considering it. It just has to be someone who didn’t spend too much time in the state.
When you and Queenie chatted, what did you talk about?
Queenie: We wanted to know more about each other. He told me his occupation, I told him mine. I think we talked about our dislikes too. He preferred calls to texting, so we had long phone calls.
Omeiza: We talked for almost two or three hours every night. The chats were very formal, and that’s all on me. I should also own up to this: I also Googled her. I did a complete CIA investigation, LMAO. The more I searched, the more interested I became. So I kept asking question after question and each time, I would stare at her picture and become arrested anew by her beauty. It didn’t take long for me to switch from nerd to lover boy. Three months after our first online introduction, we met physically.
Ouu. But wait oh. Three months? Why not sooner? I thought the chemistry was off the roof?
Omeiza: Yes it was, but we were not in the same state.
Queenie: Besides that, I had some things I was occupied with too, so we had to take our time.
Fair point. Oya, download the tea for me. How was the first meeting?
Queenie: We met at Agodi Gardens in Ibadan. I chose the venue. He came late sha.
Omeiza: And you queried me, Miss Punctuality.
Queenie: LMAO. Yes, he apologised, and we got over it. Omo, he was taller than I imagined, but he was really cool, and when we hugged, he smelled so nice. This is a major turn on for me. I love it when a man smells nice.
He also brought me a book from Lagos, and I thought it was a sweet gesture from him. We strolled around the garden and talked about random things. We were really just happy to finally meet each other after a long period of calls and chats. Oh, he also found out I was scared of puppies and peacocks, and he laughed at me so much. Imagine strolling in a nature park with a tall, dark, handsome and courteous man. It was a heartwarming experience.
Omeiza: You go fear tall, dark and handsome. She chose Agodi Gardens because of her love for nature. I was very excited to meet her, but nervous as well. I underestimated Ibadan traffic and ended up keeping her waiting because I was caught in traffic.
But see ehn, I saw Queenie and was floored. She was stunning. And she had this shyness I thought was cute. When I held her hands, I felt butterflies in my tummy. I won’t even lie.
Omeiza, plis. Some of us are single, abeg.
Queenie: LMAO.
Omeiza: Two very interesting things happened on that day. The first was that she was so scared of a puppy and a peacock. I teased her a bit and we both had a good laugh. The second was that she started feeling cold, so I gave her my jacket like they do in Hollywood movies.
Queenie: The gesture was touching and sweet. When we were about to cross the road while leaving, he held my hand and I thought that was sweet too. I felt protected.
Omeiza: You kuku used the opportunity to steal one of my cardigans.
Queenie: Normal stuff. Also, I didn’t steal it. I just changed ownership. I have plans to do that for more cardigans.
LMAO. What happened after the date? Did the conversations become more romantic?
Queenie: Well, I’d say we became a lot closer. His sweetness and courteous nature had drawn me to him, and there was no denying that I liked and felt something for him. But I still needed to make up my mind about being with him, and so I became more curious and inquisitive. I wanted to know his core values, his plans, his past relationships and if he was willing to be more than a friend, before I committed myself fully.
Omeiza: Me I was trying to convince her to be my girlfriend. We talked about a lot, and it was the first time I didn’t feel the need to hide anything about myself from anyone. I felt safe enough to be vulnerable with her. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t curious about her too. I wanted to know her thought process, ideas, interests and her past relationships, etc.
In talking about these things, we opened up to each other and shared a lot. I had so many things I had bottled in that I ought to have shared but didn’t have anyone close to me to share them with. I might have even teared up at one point. She had very lovely qualities.
What qualities are these, and why do they matter?
Queenie: Omeiza is thoughtful, and he pays attention. On our first date, he brought me a book. When the weather changed and I got cold, he gave me his jacket to keep me warm. I didn’t even know he noticed I was cold. He is considerate, a good listener, and he’s very caring. He is that person who would do everything to make you comfortable around him. For me, these matter a lot. I can’t be with a man who won’t make me feel at ease.
Omeiza: Queenie is such a breath of fresh air. She is very considerate, honest, beautiful, intelligent and God-fearing. She also says things as they are and is not shy to speak out when something isn’t working for her. If she feels overwhelmed by my gestures of affection, she doesn’t hesitate to speak up. This is something I have always hoped for. I don’t like to guess how people feel. I want to know.
Aww. We have definitely entered relationship zone.
Queenie: No oh, we entered consistent communication first. Becoming closer helped us to the point where I could conclude that Omeiza was the man for me, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and so when he asked me to be his girlfriend on the first of May 2020, three months after our first hello on WhatsApp, I didn’t hesitate before saying yes.
How has the relationship been so far?
Omeiza: It has been a smooth ride. Queenie has become my companion and my happiness partner.
Queenie: It’s a dream come true, honestly. The best part is having that one person who never gets tired of listening to you, even when you no longer know what to say. Also, having that supportive partner who has your back, cares for you and looks out for you. Omeiza is all of that. I thank God that he didn’t let me over-stress myself before blessing me with Omeiza. And what’s more? He can cook. He’s a complete package.
Omeiza: I like how we cooperate in doing things. We are almost similar in how ambitious we are. We are both serious about us and the relationship, and that’s the most beautiful part. She’s in sync with me when we try to fix issues in our relationship.
Ah, issues? Tell me all about them. Have there been any fights?
Queenie: We’ve had arguments, not fights.
Omeiza: I don’t like drama. I had a lot of drama in my life before meeting her, which is why I said she is a breath of fresh air. Also, arguments are to be expected, but we’re always looking for a way forward, and that’s immensely helpful.
Queenie: One argument I remember clearly was the day I responded grumpily to him during a phone call. He got angry and said I should let him know whenever I was ready to talk. My own grumpiness turned into anger. But even then, I knew I still loved him and would never hurt him. Later in the evening when he called, he teased me, I laughed, and we moved on after we both apologised.
Omeiza: Our funniest fight would be when she started taking a lot of pictures, and I got frustrated since I am her personal photographer. I started arguing with her about the frequency. We were out for movies, and while waiting for our movie, we sat down on a bench and acted like complete strangers. It was a very weird feeling and we had to quickly end it o. We couldn’t take it anymore.
Aww. Lovebirds. What’s your method for resolving these arguments?
Queenie: Dialogue.
Omeiza: We find a way to talk it out, learn our lessons and talk about something fun: movies, books, or simply gist about random things.
Are there areas you’d love to see improvement in each other?
Queenie: Omeiza can overreact sometimes, but we’ve talked about it and I can see changes. I want him to keep improving on himself as I want him to always be the best version of himself. I’d also like for him to not always take everything to heart.
Omeiza: I can’t think of any. The way our relationship works is that we constantly learn and improve ourselves. It’s difficult to mention anything since she has improved on anything I do not like or fancy about her.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10?
Omeiza: 9.Not perfect, but close to perfection.
Queenie: 8. 10 minus 8 is 2. The 2 stands for our imperfections and flaws, and the hurdles that are stepping stones, while the 8 stands for how much effort we put in the relationship to show that we love and respect each other.
Ahan, see breakdown. Now I can see why Omeiza has chosen you as his last bus stop.
Omeiza: I no tell you?
Queenie: LMAO.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Kachi*, 31, and Sarimah*, 24, have been friends with benefits for seven months. Today on Love Life, they talk about having casual sex while living together, dating other people and what they want from a relationship in the future.
How did you two meet?
Sarimah: I met him on Twitter in December 2019. You know how you just flirt randomly with people on the internet. A lot of times you don’t think you’re actually going to fuck them. I was in Abuja and he was in Lagos so we were just flirting with no plans to see each other.
We kept texting on and off on Twitter. I would send him messages randomly. Talk about what’s going on in my life. He would do the same.
Kachi: Yup. Then after a while, our texts became sexts.
Who sent the first sext?
Sarimah: I don’t remember how that happened because it was so easy to talk to him. We exchanged nudes and videos. You know, just random risky, sexy things.
Kachi: That continued for a couple of months until we met in May 2021. She moved to Lagos in April and we planned to hang out.
What was meeting each other like?
Sarimah: There was a lot of traffic so I took a bike to his estate. I called him when I got to the gate. I was still on the phone with him trying to locate his house when I saw someone that looked like him but this person was bald. I said, “Bald?” and he said, “oh, that’s my brother.” That’s how I found his house.
Kachi: Meeting her was fun. We laughed a lot.
Sarimah: We started making out while we were gisting and then we had sex. We both liked it so after that day, we kept seeing each other. I would go to his house, spend the week and be back home by weekend.
We are friends with benefits. We sleep with each other often but we also sleep with other people.
Kachi: We use protection with other people so we can keep each other safe.
What has the relationship been like so far?
Kachi: It’s been great, to be honest. We’ve been trying a lot of things together.
Things like?
Kachi: Currently, we are exploring different ways of pleasure that don’t involve ejaculating.
Sarimah: Because we are both afraid of having kids.
Kachi: LOL. Plus she’s bisexual. I am straight but I am open to exploring anything within the confines of my sexuality. We’ve had threesomes with other women and they were nice.
And nobody has caught feelings?
Kachi: LOL. That happened recently. We had been seeing other people since we started having sex and Sarimah was fine with it. Recently, I went out on a date and she realised she wasn’t as okay as she thought she was.
What happened, Sarimah?
Sarimah: Last week, he went out on a date. He picked out his clothes days before. When I saw it, in my mind, I was like, “When it’s not a traditional wedding.” I was curious about why this date was so special.
It was funny because I went on a date with a girl some days before his date and I was really excited about it. I am embarrassed to say that I was threatened by his date and I realised that if anything happened to jeopardise the relationship we have, I would be sad.
Did you tell him this?
Kachi: She did and I wasn’t surprised. I am used to it. It’s natural because we have been with each other for a while now and we like each other. Jealousy is definitely going to pop in. I protect myself by not having any information about her sexcapades, except if it’s with a woman. She didn’t mind the details of my sex life but that date showed otherwise.
How did you deal with it?
Sarimah: Initially I didn’t want to talk to him about it but eventually I did. We decided I would come up with a hack of my own. He also said that his date and he were going to be just friends and I felt relieved, LMAO.
Kachi: Honestly, Sarimah tried for lasting this long without acting out. In previous relationships with women that looked like this, within weeks, we would have issues about the other women I was seeing. Sarimah lasted seven months. Thumbs up, babe.
Sarimah: LOL
Do you two fight?
Sarimah: Yeah, but it’s never too bad and always about petty stuff.
Kachi: One time, we were having sex. She had orgasms and went to sleep without helping me get mine. I told her this was the first strike and if she does a third time, I’m done. She didn’t like that and she got angry with me. We argued about it for a bit. I apologised and left the room. Later, she figured out that she was taking it out of proportion.
Sarimah: Yea, aside from that, we don’t fight. We just argue a bit about an issue and move on. It’s also not about who’s right and who’s wrong. We both want to understand where the other person is coming from.
The difference between us is that he is nonconfrontational while I, on the other hand, would talk about whatever upsets me as soon as it happens. That’s something that he’s planning to work on though.
Kachi: This relationship is an experiment for both of us. I’ve never lived with anyone I was having a thing with and I realize this is the sort of the thing I would like when I get married. I mean, we would have separate rooms but having sex with other people while married would be my ideal life.
Sarimah: Me too.
Nice. What’s the best part of this relationship?
Sarimah: I like that we are nice and sweet to each other. The relationship feels warm to me. Honestly, I’m having a good time. Being with him doesn’t stop me from living my life. I also like when we do things together. I am thinking of what I would choose over this and nothing is coming to mind.
Kachi: I like how easy everything is with her.
Hmm. Is it possible that Sarimah could be the one in this future?
Sarimah: Me, I’ve offered to propose to him and he said I should bring a ring. So, who knows.
Kachi: Yeah and I need to be ready for it. LOL.
What is your favourite thing about each other?
Kachi: I like how introspective she is. Whenever she has issues, she looks inward first. Another thing I like about her is that she likes to touch people. It’s not something I was used to but I have grown to like it. She’s also a spoilt child and I like to yab her. Overall, she’s a fine babe with really nice lips.
Sarimah: He’s so pretty and I like pretty boys. He is also kind. He gives me warmth that allows me to be myself. Plus I like having sex with him.
Rate this relationship on a scale of 1-10.
Sarimah: 10. I like that we both want the same thing out of the relationship and in the future.
Kachi: 10. I don’t feel any pressure to impress or pretend to be the perfect boyfriend. This is just cohabitation.
Sarimah: Yup.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
*Nduka (29) and *Bolanle (28) started out wanting to be best friends and prayer partners. Now, they’ve been dating for 3 years. Today on Love Life, they discuss how they fell in love and the pros and cons of an inter-tribal relationship.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Bolanle: He walked past me at the airport and my first thought was, “Who is this fine boy?” I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t want him to think I was tripping for him. Then, as God would have it, I was with my friend and he stopped us to ask for directions. Turned out we were at the airport for the same reason.
Nduka: We were both participants in a multinational training for West Africans. The training was in two phases: an online phase and a two-week offline phase. To make things easier, a Whatsapp group was created to share information. One day, I asked a question on the group and someone came to my DM to answer the question. That person was Bolanle, but I didn’t know her at the time, so I replied ‘Ok’ and moved on. Apparently, she got upset that I didn’t continue the conversation.
Bolanle: I wasn’t upset that you did not continue the conversation. I was upset because you didn’t say “thank you”. What kind of a person is that? I thought that was very rude.
Nduka: She said my profile picture looked like something a proud person would choose, so she decided not to talk to me if we met physically. But I talked to her at the airport and we became instant friends. It wasn’t until the next day when I called her on WhatsApp that she figured out that I was the same person. By then, of course, it was already too late.
LMAO this is giving holiday romance. What came next?
Bolanle: When I went for the training, I wasn’t sure what kind of people I was
going to meet. As soon as I discovered that Nduka and I shared similar values, I texted my best friend and told her I found a friend. And because I could call him a friend, I was intentional about keeping him in my space.
Nduka: We remained friends. Her personality made me look for chances to be with her or around her. We were in different groups for the training, so getting these chances meant a lot to me. She checked on me too, prayed for me and she’d tell me all the ladies that were liking me.
She told you all the ladies were liking you?
Nduka: Yes.
That’s actually a typical Nigerian woman toasting technique.
Bolanle: Please, please, please. Toasting who? I never even thought we would be more than friends. I just knew I could trust him.
Why?
Bolanle: He has a very beautiful heart. He’s always looking out for people and he’s very intentional about caring for them and making them feel involved. He’s also very empathetic. The bus taking us to the venue of the program got stuck in the mud, and while the other male participants were forming fresh guys, he rolled up his trousers, got into the mud, and helped them get the bus out. This took more than an hour. It was at this point I decided he was going to be my friend. He loves God too. Let me stop here. If I continue, you might fall in love with him.
God abeg oh. How did your friendship progress after the training ended?
Nduka: Black Panther came out just before the training, and in one of our conversations during training, I asked her to tell me what Marvel movies she had watched, but my good sis had no track record. I started yabbing her and she said, “Shebi you will take me to watch Black Panther”. We met up after the training and I took her to the movies for our first date.
Bolanle: I still don’t know how that came out of my mouth. Part of me wanted the friendship to end at the training.
Nduka: Really?
Bolanle: Yes. We were getting too close and I didn’t want this.
Why? Were you in a relationship outside the training?
Bolanle: I didn’t want a relationship that year. I felt the friendship we had was strictly for spiritual purposes.
Nduka: Oshey, prayer warrior.
Nduka, when the movie date happened, how did you feel about Bolanle then? Did you see her as just a friend, or did you think there was the possibility of a romantic relationship?
Nduka: We were already holding hands then which was weird because we hadn’t known each other up to a month at that point. But I felt at peace with her, even though she wanted to be my female bestie. According to her, the reason we got to know each other was so she’ll be praying for me so that ladies won’t lead me astray.
Bolanle: Well…
And look at you two today. Clearly, the prayers worked.
Nduka: After the movie date, we talked on the phone everyday. We had great banter, talked about our days and everything else we fancied. We laughed a lot. Then she started running away…
She’s a runner, she’s a track star…
Bolanle: Please o, I had to. I realised I was liking him too much. My best friend and my former mentor pointed out that I liked him a lot when I was gisting them about the training. They said it felt good to hear me talk about a guy like that and that I should go and pray about it. When my best friend agreed that I needed to pray, I knew it was time to RUN.
Nduka, did you try to pursue her?
Nduka: I spoke to her about it. I was actually not shopping for a relationship at that point. I was just recovering from a one-sided situationship. I wanted us to be friends and keep it going.
Bolanle: This man didn’t allow me to run too far. One of the things that made us very close in a short while was that we were vulnerable with each other. At first, it felt like he didn’t even know what he wanted. We talked about how we felt about each other and I told him I was not ready for a relationship even when he became sure that he wanted a relationship.
I had broken off a relationship two years before that because of genotype issues and I felt I still needed time to heal. But I stopped running when I realised the feelings were growing. I prayed about it and I realised he was someone I wanted to spend my life with. I was deeply in love with him.
How many months into the friendship was this?
Nduka: About 4 months, possibly longer. When I became very certain that I wanted her in my life, I took the bold step and asked her out. And guess what? This lady took a whole month to reply.
Bolanle: Tell them how it happened oh.
Nduka: When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she asked why, and I told her I wanted to see if we were fit to get married and she said no. She said we could only date if we had decided to get married. Something shifted in the way I saw her that day. I stopped seeing her as a ‘possible mate’ and instead saw her as my ‘soulmate.’ She wasn’t just an option, she was the full option.
Alexa, play “Normally, you be full-option, normally, you be wife material.”
Nduka: Haha. This mindset has helped us a lot. When we fight, instead of looking for reasons to break up, we’re looking for reasons to make up. When we point out each other’s faults, it’s not with the intention to lay blame but to get the other person to adjust and grow in that area.
Bolanle: We both knew that we liked each other even though I had made it clear that I didn’t want a relationship. When he eventually asked me out, I laid out the reasons I thought it wouldn’t work. Number one was tribal differences. Number two, we hadn’t known each other for that long. And number three, I didn’t want to date for dating sake. He assured me that we could make it work. It was after this I prayed about it and got my confirmations. We started dating about a month later
Nduka: I was indifferent about the tribe differences, but she was scared that my family wouldn’t like her.
How so?
Bolanle: I’m Yoruba and he’s Igbo. I wasn’t sure his family would be comfortable with him bringing me home. I didn’t want to marry into a family where they had to endure having me around. I’ve always dreamed of having a mother-in-law who I partner with to play pranks on her son. He assured me that there wouldn’t be any problem with his family.
Nduka: And there isn’t. My family loves her and the same with her family too. We’ve been together for three years.
Bolanle: Three years, four months and seven days.
Wow. How has the journey been?
Bolanle: Better than I could have imagined, more blessed than I could have prayed for.
Nduka: I feel so at home. I am at my last bus-stop, there is no further journey from this place. This is home.
What do you love most about each other?
Nduka: I love that she intentionally built relationships with all my friends, and that these relationships are not dependent on me. I also love how thoughtful and generous she is. She almost always has a gift for me every time she visits.
Bolanle: I love that he loves God, his family, and me. I also love him and his kind beautiful heart.
Are there any peculiar things about an inter-tribal relationship in your experience?
Nduka: I’m tempted to mention language differences as a con, but it’s very minor. The Igbo ladies I dated in the past barely spoke Igbo so we communicated in English. Dating someone who doesn’t speak Igbo doesn’t make much of a difference to me.
Bolanle: Except we want to tease each other, we speak English. When we are with people who speak our native language, we interpret for each other. We trust that while we are with each other, no matter the language being spoken, we are safe.
Nduka: I had to learn to be conscious of ‘respectful cultural ways to greet’ especially when I visit her family. I almost always forget to bow or bend when greeting. Chiefly because they don’t matter in my culture. For example, in my culture, you can tell an elder they are lying or challenge them when they are wrong. But in hers, ‘respect’ has to supersede those sentiments.
Bolanle: He had to learn how to greet like a Yoruba boy. Lying flat to prostrate or bowing completely and touching the ground.
How about food?
Bolanle: He likes amala and ewedu, if that’s what you want to know.
Nduka: Bolanle doesn’t know how to cook Igbo soups and that’s fine because I love to cook myself. I actually think I’m the better cook.
Bolanle: I choose not to disagree because I love eating your food. If Nduka starts a restaurant, other restaurants might have to close shop.
Do you wonder if your tribe might affect certain future decisions? E.g. the type of wedding you’d both go for, the names for the children, etc.
Nduka: I’m a proud Igbo man, but that doesn’t mean I feel superior to other tribes. It means I’m aware of my identity and open to other people regardless of their culture. I already know some of my extended family might not be in support of my marrying from another tribe and that’s their business. We discuss all decisions we make that involve both of us. And we make choices based on the right thing to do, not necessarily the cultural or tribal thing to do.
Of course, our wedding will be a Yoruba wedding. And our kids may have both Igbo and Yoruba names.
Bolanle: Our relationship is first about us before it is about any other person. Yes, we love our families. Yes, we would always think about them when making decisions, but at the end of the day, we make our decisions based on what we want and deem fit for us. We have the blessings of the most important people in our lives and we believe that they trust us enough to make the best decision for ourselves.
It’s both of us against the world so we’ll always find a balance despite our differences. We are our own tribe.
Have you both had any fights?
Nduka: Plenty.
Bolanle: I can’t even count them all.
What were these fights about?
Nduka: Most times they’re based on differences in our personality and almost always my fault.
Bolanle: Both of us have coconut heads.
Nduka: She never forgets a promise, so any promise forgotten is wahala. She’s actually quite understanding though. One thing that we agreed from the beginning is that we don’t do silent treatment. We talk to each other when we feel offended, listen and try to resolve the issue, sometimes we’ll argue and by the next day, we’ve settled.
Bolanle: Food has caused wahala too. I’m very picky with food. I can decide that I don’t like a particular food just by looking at it. This doesn’t always sit well with him especially if at that point it would be stressful to get what I want. The good thing is that I love any food made by him.
Nduka: Oh and another thing. Bolanle is very trusting and generous, often to her own detriment. One time, she literally bought items to sell and gave them out. That’s something we still fight about.
Bolanle: But to be honest, we’ve not had any fight that has made us talk about breaking up and we agreed from the start that no one is going on a break. Break-up is not an option. It’s till death do us part. We will give our best to each other without having it at the back of our minds that there is a breakup option.
Hmm. What aspects of each other would you love to see improvements in?
Nduka: I want Bolanle to worry less and believe in herself more.
Bolanle: I am improving. You’ve taught me to be better, and you still keep teaching me. From my own end, I can’t think of anything we are not working on already.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Nduka: It’s a 10 for me. I’m at peace with her and I know she’s got my back
Bolanle: God gave me more than I asked for so I might even add 1 to the 10. He is intentional about me and I’m at rest with him.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
NK*, 26, and Sarah*, 26 dated for two years. Today on Love Life, they talk about how wanting different things led to their breakup, transitioning to best friends and getting an apartment together.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
NK: In 2018, I had just come into my queerness and I was looking to meet other queer people. My friend told me about a Whatsapp group run by Sarah. She called her name like I should know her. When I said I didn’t, she told me that she was a writer. I remember thinking Sarah sounded like someone who has their shit together. I googled her and read her work. I wanted to be prepared when I reached out to her. In April, my friend got her to add me to the group and one day, Sarah and I started talking.
Sarah: You know how rowdy Whatsapp groups can get. That day, people were shooting shots at each other and someone was keeping score of the shots. That person was NK. I wasn’t online at the time it was happening, but someone else tagged me to their messages. I laughed about it and said, “Let’s talk privately.”
Ouuu. What happened next?
Sarah: We’ve been talking every day from that day till now. Our conversations were easy. Within a few days, we went from texting to sexting.
NK: LOL. Sarah sent me a picture of herself in bed and I complimented her. I don’t remember what I said but she said, “Are you trying to sext me because I will shamelessly indulge you.” I said yes and we started sexting as often as we texted. I was more flirtatious than I had ever been. It was so intense.
Meanwhile, we hadn’t met. She was in Abuja and I was in Lagos, but it felt like we had seen each other with all the conversations, pictures and calls.
In May 2018, she said she was coming to Lagos for a meeting. By this time, we had been talking for a month. Coincidentally, her meeting happened to be where I worked at the time. I was nervous because I was worried that our connection might not be as intense in person.
Well, was it?
Sarah: It was. I surprised them. I told them I was running late even though I was already outside the building. Seeing them made me smile so much my cheeks hurt. They looked so good. We kept complimenting each other for the first few minutes.
NK: We had the office to ourselves. I was caught off guard, so I didn’t have anything to offer her. I told her I was going to give her the best cup of water she had ever drunk. I turned around to fill a cup with water from the dispenser and when I handed it to her, she said she wanted to kiss me.
Sarah: It was an awkward kiss because they didn’t seem ready and also I was nervous. LOL. After that, we went on a date and ended up spending the rest of the day together. Later, we went to a bar and made out in their restroom. It was so hot. We started making plans to have sex.
How did that go?
NK: I lived with my uncle and his family and so did she. We had to book a room at a shitty hotel but gosh, the sex was worth it — it was as dirty as the hotel. We saw each other a few more times before she went back to Abuja and had more sex. The day before she went back to Abuja, we hung out at a restaurant and talked about what we were doing with each other.
Sarah: It was easy for me to decide that I wanted to date NK, but I needed time to tie up some loose ends — I had been talking to other women, and I wanted to end things with them before going into a relationship. It took about a month.
NK: In June, she sent me a card, a handwritten note and a ring, asking me to be her partner. She mailed via NIPOST, which was cheesy as fuck. It was one of the happiest moments of my life at the time. I can’t remember how I communicated that to her.
Sarah: You wrote “YES” all over the letter and sent me a picture. It was so cute.
What was dating like?
NK: Intense. Passionate. We had an in-depth understanding of each other and even when we started to have issues, we were able to resolve them because we were able to communicate. We could be logical about our differences and talk about them. That’s something that has stayed with us so far.
Sarah: We started a business together and that also deepened our bond. Our lives seemed to compliment each other. We are both creatives. I write, and they are good with their hands. They work as a project manager and I always had projects to execute. Things were great.
NK: We had a honeymoon phase that lasted over a year. The distance didn’t seem like a big deal because every three months, she either came to Lagos or I went to Abuja.
And then what happened?
NK: In the beginning, we thought we were completely alike and had the same interests, but we had to come to terms with the fact that we were different people with different goals. For example, after our first year together, I realised that I was attracted to other women and wanted to explore that.
How did that make you feel, Sarah?
Sarah: It was hard for me because, before NK, I had only been in toxic relationships where exclusivity wasn’t defined. So in my head, nonmonogamy was trouble. When they said that they were attracted to other women, I felt caught off guard even though I was too. I felt like I was not enough and shouldn’t have gotten so invested in the relationship otherwise I would have seen it coming.
NK: We opened up the relationship in December 2019 and started to fight more than we’ve ever had.
Why?
Sarah: Mostly jealousy. I saw the whole thing as a win or lose situation where NK was winning and I was losing.
I also discovered that I was polyamorous and enjoyed having multiple lovers. This made things more complicated.
How?
NK: When I first told her I wanted to explore being with other women, I felt like I had betrayed her and our relationship and that put pressure on me. There was this girl I liked we kept fighting about. Although the girl and I had been flirting, nothing ever happened and I made this clear but Sarah couldn’t trust that. She felt like I wasn’t having sex with her yet because I was planning to fall in love with her. Meanwhile, she was talking to three women and had had sex with two of them.
Sarah?
Sarah: I knew that I wanted to be with other women, but I knew it was going to be casual. I was afraid that NK would fall in love with whoever they were with and leave me. LOL.
NK: I felt like she had answered questions about herself and her sexuality that I was yet to answer for myself. I needed to explore to find those answers without feeling guilty.
Eventually, navigating an open relationship became too difficult, so we closed the relationship. This was during the lockdown in April 2020. She had just gotten a job in Lagos and I had moved out of my uncle’s house, so she moved in with me.
Sarah: Also, we stopped having sex. I am a sexual person so that period was quite difficult for me. We talked about breaking up because of it but neither of us was ready so we stayed together.
How did the break up happen?
NK: In September 2020, at our friend’s house. The friend and I were talking about sugar mummies, and I said I would like to have one. I mean, the country is hard. LMAO. It was a casual conversation, but Sarah overheard and asked me what that meant for us. We both knew I still wanted to be with other women even though we had closed the relationship. A few more minutes into the conversation, we agreed to break up. I wanted to explore other women and she wanted more sex.
Wow.
Sarah: We laughed for the first few minutes because the breakup was random. Our friend was so confused. The crying started later that night and omo, e enter.
NK: I just want to add that I didn’t want to break up at the time. She asked me a question and I answered honestly, but it didn’t mean I wanted that experience immediately.
Sarah: Awww.
What was breaking up like?
NK: We continued to live together in Lagos because of her job, but we were fighting a lot. Instead of properly addressing how the situation was both for us, we were pointing fingers. I had to carry most of the blame because she made it seem like the breakup wasn’t a mutual decision. I wished she didn’t let me carry the responsibility of our break up alone because it wasn’t just mine to bear.
Sarah: I like to think I am a good person, and being a good person in my head sometimes means not stirring trouble. I had been thinking of us breaking up, but I didn’t want it to happen. That sugar mummy conversation was me ripping off the bandage so I could stop being so scared of it. I wasn’t exactly ready either, and I’m sorry for putting the blame on you.
What was your relationship like post-breakup?
NK: In many ways, nothing changed. We continued to live together, have sex and sleep on the same bed. Still, things changed. We started seeing other people. We talk about our experiences with other people. Sometimes, I make comparisons between myself and the person she’s with and get angry or jealous as a result. We are still adjusting to the new normal. I don’t know what label to give this relationship, but we remain best friends and lovers.
I am mostly comfortable with the way we are now. Mostly because I feel guilty when I don’t share my experiences with other women with her as soon as it happens. I usually like to sit with my feelings and process them before I tell anyone else but when I do that with her, it feels like I have done something wrong. We’re still working through that.
Sarah: Yes, we are. Also, breaking up meant shedding our rules from the open relationship like not going out with people to our special spots or doing certain sexual activities with them. The first few times I had sex with other women I felt like I was cheating on NK. Talking to them about how I feel helps me through the guilt. They encourage me to be present when I’m with other people and enjoy myself. I want them to enjoy themselves too.
Whew, so where are you two now?
Sarah: I went back to Abuja in July 2021. Before I left, we had a conversation where we came to the conclusion that no matter what, we wanted to be in each other’s lives. I love NK and watching them grow has been a blessing. It could be hard but only because I’m looking at the changes from how they affect me rather than what we both need to grow. The space helped me see that I had been navigating this with a tight grip on how things should be, and that’s something I’m learning to do away with.
NK: On my part, I am re-evaluating how much responsibility I allow myself to take on in my interactions with people and how much of myself I give. With our relationship, I’m taking each day as it comes. Currently, we are trying to get an apartment in Lagos.
Together? How would that work?
NK: She has another job here and I was thinking of moving out of my apartment, so it wasn’t a farfetched idea. We enjoy each other’s company and want to share in each other’s lives. However, we would have separate rooms and live separate lives unlike before the breakup.
Sarah: I know we would fight over things like bringing people over, but I also know we are capable of sorting it out and moving past it.
NK: It would be another journey for us to learn to respect each other’s personhood. What I would find invaluable is if after all is said and done, we are still there for each other. I believe Sarah and I can handle whatever comes our way. She’s someone I trust with everything, no matter what has happened. I know her and she knows me.
Sarah: Yup. You are my person, and I believe very much in our friendship.
Does that mean you would do this all over again?
NK: Of course.
Sarah: Definitely.
Sweet! Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.
NK: 7 because though we’ve had to navigate through a lot of turmoil, I don’t see it as a hindrance to our relationship. I say 7 because it leaves space for growth in places we are lacking.
Sarah: 8 because this relationship helps me grow emotionally, and I’ve always been able to come as myself 100%. I know that we can be better to each other.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chinasa, 26, and Ugo, 30, started having sex while they were in relationships with other people. Today on Love Life, they talk about coming together only to break-up, and the ways they have grown individually and as a couple.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Chinasa: We met on Facebook. I wrote a post complaining about people’s reactions to erotic posts, and he came into my comments to agree with me. That was the first time I noticed him. I clicked on his profile and saw that he was in Bauchi, where I was serving. I was looking for friends then, and to find someone in the same state seemed nice. I sent him a message saying I was in Bauchi and would love to meet up whenever he had a chance. We fixed a date to meet, he cancelled. We fixed another, and that’s where this whole story begins.
Ah, you have told me the whole thing na. Ugo, please take the stage.
Ugo: I first saw her on Facebook. She commented on somebody’s post, something about Bauchi. I clicked her profile and saw that she was serving in Bauchi — the same state I lived in. I sent a friend request, thinking we could hang out and be friends…
Chinasa: My dear, please add that it was my bumbum you saw.
LMAO. When you finally met, what was your first impression of each other?
Chinasa: I thought he looked taller in real life. Quiet too. But the most exciting thought I had was that he looked corruptible.
Ugo: She wears glasses, so she had this quiet appeal. I didn’t think of anything else. I was busy doing my best to avoid her eyes. It wasn’t until I moved in with her shortly after that my impression of her became clearer, better formed.
We’ll address that moving in soon. Chinasa, when you say Ugo looked corruptible, what did you have in mind then?
Chinasa: I was looking for someone to be my friend with benefits. I had just moved to Bauchi where I didn’t know anyone, and I wanted to rediscover myself after a tough relationship and a traumatic incident. After four months, I knew I wanted someone. But I got scared whenever anyone came on strong. So I was kind of looking for someone who would be a friend first, and the benefits part would be at my own pace.
Ugo had this gentle demeanour that made me feel safe having him in my house, and I thought the gentility hid a lot more things.
So, how did the moving in together happen, and when?
Ugo: We started hanging out and talking to each other a lot. Then I started leaving my things in her place one by one. It was a disguise sha, because I knew I liked her at this point. But then I found out she had a boyfriend.
Ahan. Another revelation? Let me keep this in my left hand.
Chinasa: Well, on the very first day he came to my place, I found that he had a girlfriend and they had been together for four years. So the gentility did hide some things.
Ahhh. What’s going on here?
Chinasa: Let me rearrange it for you. We texted; I liked him. We met up for the first time, and I was doing something with his phone when I saw someone’s name saved as Obi’m. I asked him about it, and he told me that yes, he was indeed in a relationship. Since he had a girlfriend, I started talking to someone that same month and a week later, I started dating this person online.
Okay then. Ojoro cancel.
Chinasa: First of all, he did not “find out” that I had a boyfriend. I told him myself. Also, after I found out about his relationship, I told myself that we could just stay friends and if the sex came, I was down to get it. The sex was not dependent on his girlfriend. I didn’t care about that.
Ugo: My relationship with my girlfriend at the time was nearing its end. Rather unfairly, I’d checked out of the relationship mentally — it was a chaotic three-year relationship and I was exhausted — but I never made this clear to my girlfriend.
When I met Chinasa and we started vibing, I felt that deeply satisfying feeling you get when you drink a glass of chilled water after running around a football pitch for 90 minutes. She was gentle with her words and touch, the sex was fucking awesome, and she listened.
So the sex happened after all…
Chinasa: And then his girlfriend showed up at my door with her friends.
Hay God.
Chinasa: It was a Saturday, I think. Ugo was at my place when someone knocked on my door. It was weird; I didn’t know anyone who lived nearby and could come visiting. When Ugo heard her voice, he went to the door. She claimed she wanted to talk, but it seemed to me like she came ready to create a scene. Ugo led her away.
For me, I was confused. I thought he had made it clear to her that they were done. When he came back inside, I asked him what happened, and he said that she came with her friends to beg him not to break up. She thought the talk of splitting up was a phase he would get over.
Ugo: I came out straight and told my girlfriend at the time that we were done the day she came knocking on Chinasa’s door. I wanted us to become a thing, so I had to act.
Chinasa: That incident caused my first fight with Ugo. I told him to fix whatever issue they had because I didn’t want to be accused of snatching someone’s boyfriend and getting beat up on the road for something I did not do.
Ugo: I understood her fear. She was in a strange land, didn’t speak the local language and had very few friends who didn’t even live in the same area.
But Chinasa and I were never officially in a relationship until towards the end of her service year. Her boyfriend was in the picture for much of it, and she too wanted things to come to a natural end with him.
But wait first. Chinasa, how did you feel about being in a relationship with someone else and still having sex with Ugo?
Chinasa: I felt nothing. My “boyfriend” and I vibed a lot, but the sex was so terrible, it couldn’t even be remedied. Because I liked him as a person, I made the mistake of not establishing strong boundaries with him. When he started referring to me as his girlfriend, I didn’t feel alarmed; there was a long-distance between Enugu where he was and Bauchi where I was.
When I count my relationships, I don’t count him as part of it. I knew that the relationship, or whatever I was doing with this guy, was not feasible and it was a problem to be dealt with so I could face Ugo squarely.
Ugo: And I broke up with my girlfriend so I could also face you squarely too. I chose you. I will always choose you.
Chinasa: And I choose you too. But I will be honest, the girlfriend coming to the house made me very anxious.
I had no idea that they didn’t officially break up. The girl was living with someone, and I assumed she had moved on before they officially broke up. So, to see her come knocking was a bit shocking. I think it’s one of the reasons my relationship with Ugo didn’t fully take off till I finished my service and left Bauchi.
How did the take-off happen?
Chinasa: Two days before I left, I told him I wanted him to be my boyfriend.
Ugo: And I said yes and went to meet her in Enugu.
Chinasa: The Enugu meeting was a mini vacation. We spent the weekend together, and I showed him a few places. His showing up indicated that he would make the effort to make this work despite the distance.
And you were right?
Chinasa: Yes, he was solidly there. But between my master’s and his service, things became crazy. I started my master’s, and he was posted to Taraba for his NYSC service. He later relocated to Jos.
I was going through a lot of changes, and I kept him out of it because I felt he wouldn’t understand. Wrong move.
Ugo: We had to break up.
I’m sorry that happened. What led to the break-up? What changes were you going through?
Ugo: She didn’t care about my career. I started taking my writing seriously, and I wanted her to care about it as I did. I would send her my work, and it seemed like she wasn’t reading or paying the required amount of attention to it, and I felt hurt by this. I thought I could live with the hurt, but I couldn’t. And so I called her one day and asked that we break up.
Chinasa: Leaving Bauchi threw me out into the real world, and it was cold, discomfiting. Before Bauchi and in Bauchi, I had done a lot more growing up. One of the things that happened was that I quit the church, which was a large part of my identity, because religion didn’t work for me and there was a lot of hurt I was dealing with.
Also, I didn’t get a job on time after service. It felt like I was floating, and there was no landing pad of any sort.
And in all of this, you still had to read his work and give comments…
Chinasa: Butit was more than that, I’ll be honest.He had a lot of free time and was expecting more attention from me. He was used to seeing me all the time and thought it would continue like that. But I was in the east, grappling with everything, and it didn’t work. Whenever he complained that I wasn’t calling or texting, I would think, “Oh please, not now. Not now. Not with everything I am going through.”
Master’s admission came through and it was hell too. I felt like I was floating along, not understanding anything and trying my best to stay afloat. And in all of this, we were both broke.
When he called for a breakup, I felt like he was the most insensitive person. You knew I was going through this much and you chose to break up? Wow. But even with the hurt, I still felt the relief of no longer having to deal with the burden.
And you people ended up cancelling the break up.
Chinasa: After we broke up, we started talking more. He came to Enugu too, and it was easier to explain things to him without feeling judged. I owned up to my inadequacies, and I felt more equipped to name the things I was going through, more knowledgeable about what I wanted from life and how I needed him to help.
It would also be nice to mention that my master’s results came in around this time and it was all A’s. Other things started falling into place.
How’s the relationship now? Where’s your head at?
Ugo: I feel more secure now in our love than I used to be. There’s a kind of assuredness; a feeling that whatever happens, we will both always make an effort to genuinely understand each other. We are in a good place. The relationship is sort of open, if I can call it that.
How did it become open?
Chinasa: I told him I wanted an open relationship when we were long distance because I didn’t want to be sneaky about being with other people. I learnt fast that I wasn’t a monogamous person, and in the spirit of being more honest with my choices, I told him.
The first time, he rejected the idea. The second time, it felt like he was trying to please me. When I had my mental health episodes, my sex drive nosedived, but I met someone, felt a spark and told Ugo. He agreed I could pursue it.
That first stint didn’t end well because we didn’t have boundaries. We realised we had shit we were avoiding and being with other people wasn’t going to fix it. So we agreed to focus on fixing our issues after some time.
We are open again, but for me, it’s just about honesty. For over two years now, I’ve just been meh about things. I live in a remote place now and make no effort to meet people, so it’s open in the sense that we are both open if it happens. But on my side, I’m not actively looking.
Ugo: It’s the same for me really. If anything happens I’ll let her know, but I’m not actively looking.
What do you love most about each other?
Ugo: That will be her gentleness, kindness and the effort she makes to try and understand my perspective. The latter is part of the reason we’ve come this far.
Chinasa: Ugo is kind, steady and cares for me. Using care here is deliberate. I’m not good at saying what I need, but he’s patient enough to wait till I figure it out and also make things happen before I ask.
Ugo: My heart.
Chinasa: Being with him has been one of the highlights of my life. It’s the first time I’ve fully been myself without apologies in a relationship. People who know us tend to have this idea that he loves me more. I think it’s because they are not familiar with relationships that don’t fit gender stereotypes. For instance, he has moved cities more to be with me because I’m not domestic at all and usually forget to feed myself. He had to move some months ago, and it was hell for me to adjust. It still is.
But the truth is that he’s the one who truly anchors me and us. His steadiness calms down my own scatter-scatter attitude to life. And, Ugo, you are home.
What are the things you both do that you don’t like and would like to see improvement in?
Chinasa: Our biggest fights used to be about ambition. He has a really laid back approach to life that I don’t understand, especially because I’m impatient. I love the thrill of pursuing things. So sometimes, I wish he was more assertive instead of waiting for everything to align first. His process works for him, so I’ve learnt to leave him alone. Doesn’t mean it’s not annoying.
Ugo: Exactly this, but on the flip side. She sometimes forgets that not everyone is like her. There was a period I started to feel that she was on my back breathing down my neck even though I knew she meant well.
She’s already improving on this though.
How would you rate this relationship on a scale of 1-10?
Ugo: 8. Most of our issues happen when somebody isn’t being completely upfront. I want us to reach a place of honesty where it isn’t hard at all to tell each other anything; where it simply comes.
Chinasa: I’ll say a strong 8 with room to be even better. We really grew this year, worked on ourselves and are working towards more things to help us be in the best capacity for ourselves and each other. I don’t intend to get married, but we are doing this long term so I believe we should have long term plans (building our finances, achieving our life and career goals, etc) in place.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: 26 Years And We Have No Regrets
Amina, 52, and Aneru, 58 have been married for 26 years with four kids. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting on a farm, managing a long-distance relationship at a time where there were no mobile phones and growing old together.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Aneru: It was at a farm in Agenebode, Edo state where we both worked. I was the company’s project engineer — I had just been transferred from Benin to Agenebode. Amina worked in the fishery department. She had a friend, Jane, who was from my village and worked in the same department. The day I met Amina, she was with Jane when I stopped for a chat. Amina wasn’t smiling — she didn’t even pay attention to what we were saying.
Amina: The first memory I have is different. Jane and I were headed to the canteen. I saw Aneru from a distance outside the canteen, but then he left. We saw him again on our walk back to our department. Jane told me that her dad had asked her to befriend him because they came from the same village. She was too shy to talk to him, but I encouraged her to.
What were your first impressions?
Aneru: I wondered why she wasn’t smiling. I saw her again with Jane at that same location, and she wasn’t smiling as usual. After I finished talking to Jane, I asked her, “Why are you always frowning? Anytime you see me, put a smile on your face,” and then she smiled. I started thinking about her smile.
Amina: I wondered why he was after my smile.
How did you go from that to lovers?
Aneru: I started thinking about her. At the time though, I had a girlfriend, Kate, in Benin, but I didn’t think we were going to get married. She was Esan. Back then, people believed that Esan women were bad housewives. I was especially wary because my elder siblings who married Esan women had issues in their marriages. I didn’t want my marriage to be like theirs.
At the end of September 1990, Kate came visiting. And all was well until October 1st. I threw a party at my place on that day and invited my colleagues. Then I told the head of the fishery department that he must make sure all the women in the company came, especially Amina.
Amina, did you go?
Amina: Ah yes. My boss tricked me. He invited Jane and I to his house and when we got there, it was empty. We were about to leave when we saw him waving at us from the apartment opposite his. It was Aneru’s house, and he was having a party. I wanted to leave, but Jane encouraged us to stay.
Aneru: Amina and I had an in-depth conversation for the first time that day. Kate got upset. She had been cooking and serving food, but when she noticed how close Amina and I were getting, she left the house. I didn’t notice she had left till it was time to share refreshments with our guests.
Amina: I took alcohol for the first time that day and danced with Aneru. As we got closer, I noticed a girl kept coming in and out, looking at us. That was interesting.
Before I forget, Aneru kissed me while we were dancing. I was angry because I didn’t want to be kissed. But I le tit go. Eventually, my friends and I left that party for another.
So… Kate?
Aneru: Haha. When Kate returned to the house, we argued but brushed it aside because we had another party to attend. Imagine my surprise when I saw Amina there.
This time, I was determined to make my intentions clear. I made an elaborate plan to get close to Amina at that party. I was with my friends, Jolly and Officer. I asked Officer to dance with Amina and Jolly to dance with Kate so I could breeze in and take over dancing with Amina. Kate didn’t like this, but at that point, I had made up my mind that Amina was going to be my wife.
And Kate?
Aneru: Well, Kate went back to Benin and Amina, and I got closer. I encouraged her to come to my place so we could leave for work together. Kate came to visit me some weeks later and saw that Amina came around often. There was an unspoken agreement to dissolve the relationship after that visit.
Mid-October, I told Amina that I wanted her to be my wife.
Just like that? Amina, how did you feel?
Amina: He told me he had something important to say, and he wanted to meet at the only hotel in Agenebode at the time. I was on my way, on a bike when I remembered that he had kissed me without my consent. I asked the bike to turn back. We were on the way back to my house, and his bike passed mine. He sent someone to my house a few minutes later to tell me to meet him at Jonathan’s house.
There, he told me he wanted me to be his wife. I was surprised because I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t know him well enough. I asked him his age and he asked me mine. He was 27 at the time and I was 23. We exchanged childhood stories and spent the rest of the day talking about our future. I asked for time to think about it, but by the end of the day, I had made up my mind to marry him. We had spent a long time together, and he didn’t make any moves on me or talk about sex.
Aneru: After that day, I stopped at her department regularly to check on her. The following week, she asked me to meet her at Jonathan’s place. There, she told me that she wanted us to begin courtship, but on the condition that she would go to school. I had no issues with her going to school but she said she wanted to finish school before getting married. She said her elder sister’s husband made the same promise and her education stopped after marriage so I agreed. She asked for my school certificate because some people say they went to school but didn’t. LOL. I wasn’t expecting those questions.
Amina: I also told him we would both get a genotype test. He was laughing but I didn’t mind him — those things were important to me.
That night, my dad asked why I had been staying out later than usual so I told him of Aneru’s intentions to marry me. I told him I had not yet agreed, so he asked me to wait till he made enquiries about him and his family. The next day, he told me I could marry Aneru. He found out that he was the son of one of the women in his club.
What happened next?
Amina: In December 1990, Aneru saw an ad in the newspaper for a school in Jos. Within weeks, plans were made for me to move to Jos with my brother for school. I was shocked but happy.
Before I left, Aneru asked me to visit his village so he could introduce me to his mother. I was so shy. I braided my hair in a style similar to what we call Bob Marley now. We called it Raskimono. I did it to hide my face. I also wore big dark sunglasses. When I got there, she was so happy to see me. She made me seat on her lap. She gave me a name that day: “Onokpemekho”, which means, “The one I like.”
By January, I went to school.
What was long-distance like without phones?
Amina: Aneru introduced me tohis friend Lawrence when I got to Jos. He was to make sure I was okay. During my first holiday, Aneru came to Jos to visit me, and we stayed at Lawrence’s place.
We had a pattern. For long holidays, I went to Agenebode. For short holidays, Aneru visited Jos. We also wrote letters to each other. This strengthened our relationship. I was in Jos for three years.
What happened after Jos?
Amina: In 1994, I came to Benin to do my IT. Aneru had moved to Lagos during this time. Nigeria was safer then. I used to travel to Lagos during weekends to see him. One weekend, Aneru showed up at my house, where I lived with my cousin. He wanted to do a surprise introduction. I was shocked and a little angry — I wondered how my family and I were going to prepare for it, but he said he had taken care of everything. When I told my family, they were confused as well but Aneru did great with the introduction plans — he had bought everyone clothes, food, everything needed to make it happen. My dad liked him so he didn’t mind the surprise. LOL. The introduction happened on Easter, 1994. After this, I moved with him to Lagos.
Aneru: During Christmas in 1994, we travelled to Agenebode to see our family. Shortly after, Amina became pregnant and we moved to Benin, where I had been transferred to. We began wedding plans.
On the 7th of October, 1995, we got married. In January 1996, our first child was born.
What was that like?
Amina: It was such a scary experience. The pregnancy went past its due date by two months. The doctors had to do a caesarean section. Labour lasted up to 5 hours. Eventually, my baby girl arrived. She’s now a woman. LOL.
What was life like after having a child?
Aneru: It was during this period that I got my first official car. Life was rosy. We lived in a three-bedroom flat. We were happy. Watching the baby grow was a learning experience for me. She would always cry whenever I was leaving the house. Sometimes I would have to dodge. She was smart and she grew fast and beautifully. Within the space of six years, we had three more kids. Today, they are all doing well.
Nice. What’s the best part of your marriage?
Aneru: Looking back, I have no regrets about marrying Amina. She was exactly what I prayed for. I prayed for a good wife after seeing all the unsuccessful marriages around me, and God brought her to me. We have small arguments, but I can’t remember us fighting. We have so much goodwill, love and happiness. I couldn’t have had a better wife.
Amina: I’m glad we’ve not had such issues. We have disagreements over things I don’t like. For example, I didn’t like him smoking and drinking. He was wasting a lot of money buying cigarettes and drinks. When we started dating, he promised to quit. He tried to, but he kept relapsing. Those were the things that caused our major disagreements. But he’s also very quick to apologise, unlike me. I’m glad now that he has quit finally.
How did that happen?
Aneru: In September 2020, after a night of drinking and smoking, I fell ill. After running a couple of tests, the doctor said I was dehydrated and needed to take drips. It was at this point I decided I had to give up on these habits. My daughter introduced me to Mentally Aware Nigeria, and one of their counsellors helped me through the first few weeks of sobriety. I have been sober for a year now.
Congratulations! What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Aneru: Meeting Amina for me was love at first sight. I was first drawn to her beauty, but it was her personality that kept me. There is nothing I want that she doesn’t possess. The way she carries herself, her organisation, her cooking and her home management skills.
Amina: I like that he is a giver. He is so generous to the point that people have tried to take advantage of it. I think, in the beginning, we were frivolous with spending and had no investment sense. As we got older and things got tougher, I taught him how to say no.
The good thing is that he always made sure he provided for his family. When the jobs stopped coming in for him, I knew I had to step up. I started my own business and sustained the family on that as much as I could. Things are a lot better now. He is also a good listener.
How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10
Aneru: 9, because nothing is perfect, but we’ve had a great life and we’ve been happy.
Amina: 10 for me. When I think back, the positives outweigh the negatives. I look at our children and I’m glad that God helped us raised them well. They are all happy and doing well.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Our Relationship Was For Character Development
*Osas (20) and *Seyi (21) started out very in love with each other. But things went downhill when someone cheated, and they opened their relationship. Today on Love Life, they discuss their break-up and its effect on their friendship.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Seyi: We met on Twitter. We’d been mutuals for a while and then she made a tweet asking how to slide into someone’s DMs. I responded and then she slid into my DM with a cheesy line: “My name is Osas, but you can call me the love of your life.”
Osas: God, I was so sappy. But that line was smooth. Literally my best work. And you can tell that it worked because a month later, she came to Benin to see me. I was so anxious that day. Even though we spoke frequently, I kept wondering how she could decide to leave Ibadan and come to Benin just to meet me.
How did it feel to meet each other for the first time?
Seyi: I was a bit nervous. And then I saw her coming towards me and the tension eased.
Osas: I realised I had fallen in love. If I was smitten during our chats, when I saw her, I was completely gone. She looked absolutely perfect. Her smile was to die for, and her locs too. She is shorter than me, so when we hugged, she was completely enveloped in my arms. I looked at her and felt safe. I couldn’t wait to show her to everyone. She followed me to school, and I introduced her as my girlfriend to all my friends. In my head, I had found home.
Seyi: We booked a hotel room. Immediately we got into the room, she kissed me. Before then, I had never kissed a woman. It was my first queer relationship. When the kiss happened, my first thought was, “Wow. So this is what it’s supposed to feel like?” Afterwards, we went to her aunt’s place to pick up some things. She kissed me again in the dark stairway, and that kiss might be one of my favourite memories of her. We got dinner, and of course, the sex happened.
Osas: Lots of it. That was my first time having sex with a woman, and when I tell you I was wrecked. Listen, women will wreck you. We were just there, existing in each other’s space. I took a lot of pictures with her camera and laughter came easily. I was enamoured by her.
Would I be right to call this your honeymoon phase?
Osas: I think every phase was our honeymoon phase. She was so good to me. She was never not good to me. At every minute of our relationship, I was deeply in love with her and unable to take my hands off of her.
Seyi: I think our honeymoon phase started before we started dating. We used to spend hours on the phone talking every night about the most random things. Before her, I didn’t like calls and I didn’t think I could spend hours on a call with one person and not run out of things to say. But she came into my life and everything changed.
How many days did the Benin trip last?
Osas: It was just for the weekend. She left on Sunday and I cried so much. It felt like I’d known what life is like with her, and I didn’t want to go back to a life that didn’t have her physical presence in it. Did I mention that nobody asked anybody out in this relationship?
Ah, so the relationship happened naturally?
Seyi: More or less. At first, we were waiting to meet physically so we could define our relationship. But one night, she said she referred to me as her girlfriend while talking to her friends, and I was like, “So are we dating now?” She said yes and that was it.
Osas: Before Seyi came to Benin, I went to the movies with my friends and when we were talking, I told them about the girl I liked, and I kept calling her my girlfriend. When I got home that night, I told her.
Aww, see love.
Osas: LMAO. The first time I told her I loved her, she froze. She didn’t say anything on the phone. This was before we met physically, and were simply speaking over the phone. To save myself from embarrassment, I quickly added that I meant it as a friend, because I considered her to be my G. Of course, she knew what I was doing, and she told me I didn’t have to add the “like a friend” clause because it wasn’t about me; she was just not ready to say “I love you” to me yet. She eventually said it when she came to see me in Benin. She wrote a whole poem.
Seyi: I’d never really been the kind of person to talk about feelings and say things like “I love you.” Love has always been a big thing for me. I don’t want to say it without really meaning it, especially for people I’m in or planning to be in romantic relationships with. 2019 was a defining year for me though. I was opening up more. I wasn’t the kind of person to say I love you to a friend at the end of a call, but I could text it to friends under the right circumstances. I prefer to show my friends I love them rather than tell them.
Osas: I have always been a lover. I am still one. I tell my friends I love them all the time.
So, how did your relationship progress after you met for the first time?
Seyi: It was still largely a long-distance relationship, but it went well. I’m not sure we saw up to 10 times during our entire 11-month relationship.
Osas: Long distance was hard, but we tried to make up for it by speaking constantly and giving each other gifts. Seyi gave the best gifts. Random stuff, tailored stuff. I could randomly mention something and then she’d be like, “Hi, I got this for you.” Gift-giving is my love language and she aced it.
Seyi: I think gift-giving is my greatest asset.
Osas: Not just that. You’re great with your mouth too.
Seyi:[Clears throat]
Osas: I mean words. But sex with you was great. It’s one of the things I miss.
Seyi: To be honest, I feel like I wasn’t really good at sex at the start of our relationship. But as I slept with more people, I learned new tricks and started getting better.
Osas: And boy, did you get better.
Wait, you slept with more peop—?
Osas: At some point, the relationship became an open one. This was a month and a few weeks after we started dating. I didn’t want it to be open at first o, but she pointed out that I was polyamorous and it would be better for me to see more people, rather than being exclusive to her alone.
Seyi: Before we even started dating, we already discussed the potential of an open relationship. She was polyamorous, but I loved the idea of monogamy. It seemed like a deal-breaker at the time, but she eventually agreed to a closed relationship.
What prompted you to eventually open the relationship?
Osas: I kissed my friend.
Ma’am?
Osas: It meant nothing. It was just vibes.
Ma’am?
Seyi: One day, she called me crying that she’d kissed a friend of hers. I was really pissed at first, and I asked her to give me some space. I thought about it and realised I didn’t want to break up with her. And I also realised that I wasn’t as hurt about her kissing someone else. It was more like the shock of it and the hurt that she broke the defined rules of our relationship at the time. So I called her and told her okay, let’s open the relationship.
Osas: The kiss meant nothing to me. It was just kissing. But then I knew it’d make her unhappy so it made me unhappy. I cried because I knew she wouldn’t see it as that, and it would hurt her. I could have kept quiet but I couldn’t. I loved her too much, but I loved being able to be with other people. And being monogamous was driving me insane.
How was it like navigating an open relationship, especially seeing how you moved from being exclusive to being open?
Osas: It was calm from my end. It was Ms Monogamy here that was fucking half of Ibadan.
Ehn?
Seyi: It was okay. The key was honesty and communication. I told her about all the people I had things with and she did the same. Considering that it was my first queer relationship, it was nice to have the opportunity to explore a bit more. It was almost like how it was with Kat and Adena in The Bold Type.
I don’t think the transition from being exclusive to being open was actually that hard. At first, I didn’t really do anything with anyone. Then during a Truth or Dare game in a queer group I’m in, I kissed a few people and one of them asked me if I wanted to fuck. Her exact words were, “Wanna fuck?” I thought about it and was like, “What the hell, why not?” But the sex wasn’t great at all, and she was the one who opened my eyes to see that I wasn’t as good at sex as I thought. That was the start of my learning curve.
Osas: Basically, she was fucking everyone.
And how did this make you feel?
Osas: As long as she’s happy, I’m happy. That’s how it was.
Okay then, let’s talk about you. While Seyi was hooking up with new people, what were you doing?
Osas: Battling depression LMAO. Not because of her or the circumstances though. I was making friends and trying to pass classes. She was doing her own thing, and I was doing my own thing. I loved when she told me about it.
Where did the relationship go from there?
Osas: Please ask her. What me I know is that she became off. This was in the tenth month of our relationship. She said it was the distance, but it was weird. We were talking less and it seemed like she was avoiding me.
After the Christmas holidays in December, we went back to our schools. We started having some problems around January of 2020 when it felt like we stopped being each other’s first point of contact. A clear instance of this was when I was having a panic attack and she wasn’t the first person I wanted to talk to. In fact, it felt like I didn’t want to tell her anything. And then in February, about eleven months after we started dating, we broke up because I didn’t feel in love with her anymore.
She was busy all the time and hardly had time for me. I was crushed. I felt like I did something, like I was the problem.
Seyi, what would you say these problems were?
Seyi: We both met people. I met someone whom I had sex with a couple of times. She started becoming the first person I’d text about things sometimes. And we texted consistently. I’m not very great with texts — I tend to reply ridiculously late or abandon texts randomly — so when I started talking to someone without the communication breaking, it was a sign.
Osas also met someone she was speaking with a lot. My memory is shit, but I have vague memories of her always speaking with that person and telling him random things about the day before telling me.
Interestingly, we’re both dating those people now.
Oh.
Seyi: I think it was just a case of growing apart. We realised something was off at some point, and I remember us agreeing to work on it. She was going to come to Ibadan for Valentine’s and I thought seeing her would change things.
But it didn’t. A few hours after she left Ibadan, I realised I didn’t want to work on the relationship anymore. It was partly because I realised I didn’t feel in love with her anymore and partly me realising I had deep feelings for the person I’m currently dating. So, I called her and told her I didn’t think I was in love with her anymore and that we needed to break up. I cried as I broke the news to her.
Osas, how did you take this news?
Osas: I kept telling her it would be fine. But when the gravity hit me, my heart broke into a million pieces. I thought my life had shattered, and I was going to die. I didn’t want to lose her completely. I wanted to be her friend at least, but what I really wanted was to stay in her life. I never got the concept of falling out of love with someone. I thought it could be fixed.
Seyi: That’s probably because you’re polyamorous. I don’t think I have the capacity to love more than one person at a time, so if I have deep feelings for one person while in a relationship with another person, it’s because I’ve lost romantic feelings for the other person.
Osas: I would wake up at 7 a.m. and start crying. All my friends were so worried. Now, I tell people I’m still in love with her, and though it’s not enough to risk what I have with my current partner, it’s enough to still care about her.
Seyi, what did you say to her offer of remaining friends?
Seyi: I didn’t think it was possible. I felt like she would still feel angry or hurt about the breakup and that if we were going to be friends, we’d need some time apart to first heal and get used to the idea of being friends, especially since I planned on pursuing a relationship with another person, but she didn’t feel the same way.
Osas: I didn’t at all. It wasn’t the breakup that hurt; it was how you acted after. You’re a shitty friend.
“Are” or “Were”?
Seyi: I don’t think I am. I think we behave differently in friendships. Like we already established, you’re the kind of person who tells your friends you love them and speaks to them all the time. I’m the kind of person who prioritises the person I’m with romantically. I don’t tell my friends I love them and don’t even text them constantly. If I text you regularly, I’m probably in love with you. My relationship with my friends is the type where we’re there when we need each other and can go without texting at all for weeks and still pick right back up where we left.
Osas: Okay then, you were a shitty friend to me. And can I be honest? Deep down, I hoped my prayers caught up with you and you’d feel a fraction of how I felt.
Seyi: See, my main problem was the fact that you didn’t understand the new boundaries that came for me when we redefined our relationship. I remember on my birthday when you blocked me because I prioritised my girlfriend over you. You called me the night before my birthday and when it was getting close to 12 a.m., I told you I had to hang up because my girlfriend would definitely want to be the first person I cross over into the new (birthday) year with, and you got pissed and blocked me. That made no sense to me.
There was also the time you called me when you were having an anxiety attack and after you calmed down and we were just talking, my girlfriend called and I said I had to go, and you got pissed about that too.
I was wary about things like these in the first place. It’s hard to go from girlfriends to best friends when the new person I am dating is part of the reason we broke up in the first place. It didn’t make sense for me to be best friends with someone I couldn’t talk to about the person I was in love with. I still wanted to be friends with you, but I felt like we first needed some time apart.
It got worse when you told me thinking about me made you want to kill yourself sometimes, and then you were still saying you wanted to be friends with me. How could I be best friends with someone who wanted to hurt herself because of me? I couldn’t see any way being best friends would work out for me or you.
Hmmm.
Osas: I got the fact that we needed time apart. But I think you went about it the wrong way. If you had acknowledged the friendship, things would have been a lot different. Because you dismissed the friendship, it felt to me like our relationship itself meant nothing to you.
I used to think you were my friend before you were my girlfriend, then when we broke up you said we were never friends. That hurt a lot. I guess everything hurt in general but I never considered you the bad guy because you were good to me.
Seyi: I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t think we were friends before becoming girlfriends. We were in the talking stage, and I always considered you as someone I was going to get into a relationship with and treated you as such. That’s why I’d speak on the phone with you every night for hours and talk with you constantly. I don’t do that with my friends. I do that with love interests.
So, what do you think about your relationship with each other now?
Osas: Like I said, it was good. It just became weird. My energy with her will never change. I want her to be happy. I don’t consider us friends in the sense of the word. She’s just someone I fell in love with and no longer talk to. Do I still miss Seyi? Sometimes. Like when I see something I’d want to share with her or remember something about us.
I don’t regret the relationship. I’m glad it happened, and I’m glad it ended. I guess it was for character development.
Seyi: It’s the same for me. I don’t regret the relationship at all.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Maureen*, 22, and Chuka*, 27 have been dating for two years. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting in the church, breaking up with other people to be together and planning a future together.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Maureen: He was a popular choir member at my church in school. In 2018, I decided to stay back at school for the Christmas holidays. The Sunday before Christmas, I walked up to him to ask him what time the Christmas service would be. He said it was at 9 a.m. and asked if I was coming. I said yes.
Chuka: I remember waiting on Christmas day to see if she was going to come to church, but she didn’t. I won’t say I was disappointed, but I had looked forward to seeing her at the service. I wanted to see her again — her voice sounded nice the day she spoke to me.
Sis, why didn’t you go for the service?
Maureen: When I woke up that Christmas, I didn’t feel like going anywhere. My sister was around, so we decided to stay indoors and watch movies. I didn’t see Chuka until the next year. The first Sunday at school, I went to church and he was on stage. I didn’t pay much attention to him. In fact, I had even forgotten I met him.
After service, he stopped me as I was leaving and said he looked for me that day. We were about to get into a conversation, but he had a church meeting. He asked me to wait for him.
And then?
Maureen: I waited for like three hours.
WHAT?
Chuka: It wasn’t that long sha.
Maureen: That’s a lie. He was there for so long. At intervals, he would come and say he was sorry and would soon be done. I was hungry, tired and angry, but I waited out of courtesy.
It was worth it in the end sha because when he was done, we hit it off and just started talking. He told me what the meeting was about and I thought that was sweet. We walked to the bus stop, sat down and continued gisting.
Nice. What happened after?
Chuka: I still don’t think it was that long sha, but her waiting for me struck a chord in my heart. Who waits for somebody they don’t really know for that long? The people I was having the meeting with kept reminding me that a fine sister was still waiting for me. She also made me do something I would have never done — sit down with my suit at the bus stop. LOL. Church members were passing by, and I thought of how they were probably wondering what I was doing there.
Anyways, I ended up giving her a wrong number when it was time for her to go.
Maureen: OMG. Yes, he did.
Why abeg?
Chuka: It was in error. I wasn’t with my phone, so I gave her mine. In the course of doing that, she added another zero to the number.
Maureen: When I texted him later, I didn’t get any response.
Chuka: I couldn’t reach her either. LOL. I told my friends what happened and one of them knew someone that had her number. On Thursday that week, we went to chill at a restaurant and the person that had the number came around.
When I called, it was a struggle to hear each other because we were talking at the same time. After that call, she kept calling.
Maureen: He was bad at texting, so the middle ground was late-night texting or phone calls. He liked to stay up late and I did too. That’s how we talked for three nights straight. He sent me one of his favourite love songs and I think that helped us get along even more.
Everything happened fast. In less than a week, we were talking like we’d known each other for years.
The next Sunday, one of his friends told me it was Chuka’s birthday and he was having a get-together at his place after service. I didn’t plan to come, but I said I’d try. When I got to my hostel, he messaged me to say that the event would start at 2 p.m., but he wanted me to come by 5 p.m.
Why?
Chuka: I wanted to be able to spend time with her when she came. Another thing is my friend, the one who told her about my birthday, wanted both of us to be in the same space so we could connect some more. By 4:30, he helped me clear everyone out of the house.
Maureen: I didn’t get there by 5 though. I got there by 6. Before I left my hostel, I gave his number and address to all my friends and my roommates. They were all wondering why he asked me to come by 5 p.m when the event was at 2 p.m. When I got to the bus stop, I had to wait for him to come because his house was far from the junction. He kept me waiting again. I stood there for a while before he finally showed up. It was so annoying. He has a bad habit of saying “Just give me five minutes” when he actually means 30 minutes.
Chuka: I had gone to see some of my friends off when she called me that she was at the bus stop. It took a while for me to get to where she was.
What happened in the house?
Maureen: Nothing. The house was a self-con room with a bed on the floor, but it was a very comfortable space. He and his roommates were eating. I didn’t eat though. We were talking, and I noticed I was leaning on him.
Chuka: I liked that she was comfortable. My friends are quite warm. Now when we are together, you wouldn’t be able to tell whose girlfriend she is because of how cool she is with them. I was lying down and she was lying next to me. It was quite intimate. One of my friends, Tilda, called me out of the room to tell me that she thinks Maureen likes me. Tilda is one of my closest friends. She told me she had seen Maureen in her faculty and she seemed excited that Maureen liked me. It was funny because Tilda never likes anyone. When I was looking for a relationship, Tilda told me she didn’t like any of my prospects. So that was a sign for me.
Maureen: I ended up not being able to go back to school that night because it was too late, so I slept over at his place. That was my first time staying over at a man’s house without my parents’ approval. I slept with a belt on my jeans trousers and buttoned my shirt to the neck. I stayed in one position till the next morning. I didn’t even sleep. It was so bad that he kept waking up to ask if I was comfortable. I went home very early the next morning. I was so pressed, but I couldn’t use his toilet because I didn’t want him to hear me pee.
LMAO, so when did romance enter the story?
Chuka: After that day, we continued talking. She told me she loved talking to me and called all the time. It was really sweet. On Valentine’s Day, I got her a gift, which was Tilda’s idea.
Maureen: I actually liked someone else and we kinda had a thing. As Chuka and I got closer, I and the other guy started to have tiny issues. On Valentine’s day, Chuka gave me a card with the words, “You make it easy to love you.” Meanwhile, the person I was with didn’t get me anything. This is when I became sure that we could become something, but we didn’t date until July 2019.
What happened between Valentine’s day and July?
Chuka: I also liked someone else whom I thought was perfect for my career. I was a musician and she could sing. But I kept hearing in my spirit that Maureen was the one.
I noticed I stopped liking the other girl. She also started behaving weird. She said she didn’t want to be around me. She later came to apologise for saying that, but I was with Maureen by then. But Maureen wasn’t fully mine. She still liked that guy. I knew that sometimes when she left my house, she would see him before going to her hostel, but I didn’t want her to feel guilty. I wanted her to be free with me so she could tell me things. It took about six months for her to realise it was me or nothing.
Maureen: It was when the person I liked started fucking up, I realized I could be in a relationship with Chuka. Even then, I wanted to be sure it wasn’t because he got me a gift and the other guy didn’t. That took a while, and it was hard on Chuka. There were so many times I had to make it clear that we were not dating.
One time, I was just leaving his house and we saw someone on the road. The person asked where I was coming and I said a friend’s place. Chuka was angry that I said “friend”. His mood just changed. I felt bad when I told him off, but I had to. I was still seeing the other guy but enjoying spending time with Chuka. I was also scared of the title “boyfriend”.
Why?
Maureen: Calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend bestows them with responsibilities like regular calls and texts at a fixed time, and I wasn’t ready for that. The other guy I was with wasn’t my boyfriend but we knew we liked each other. Initially, that was what I wanted with Chuka but as we grew closer, that changed. In July 2019, seven months after we started talking, Chuka asked what we were. That’s when I said, okay, we are dating.
Aww. How has the relationship been so far?
Chuka: The truth is it’s not been easy.
How so?
Chuka: We are quite different people. There’s a certain way she feels like life should be and that is different from my own idea of what life should be like.
Can you give me examples?
Chuka: It’s about values. For example, I don’t want her to have so many boys as her friends. Boys tend to take advantage of women and I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. On the other hand, she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. She doesn’t see the negative side of people, especially guys. Something has to happen before she becomes sceptical, but even then, she believes whatever they have done may not be intentional.
Otherwise, everything else has been good. You know I said I wanted someone that could sing. Maureen didn’t know she could sing. We were coming from rehearsals in January this year and me, her, and my friends were singing. We were all just fooling around but when we heard her voice, we were all surprised. She was doing riffs and runs plus she sounded like me. She sang me a song that day and I recorded it. I am going to work on it one of these days.
Asides from this, there is no one I would rather do life with than her. This is still a learning curve for both of us but I am happy to be here with her. She is beautiful in every sense of the word. She makes life easy for me. She keeps me on my toes and doesn’t let me rest until I achieve my goals. She lights up any room she’s in. I think about being with her and I know that my life would turn out good just because she is with me. I could be with her and no one would know where I am. I wouldn’t even touch my phone. These days, she acts more like she’s my wife and it’s funny because she didn’t want to be called my girlfriend initially.
Maureen: It’s one question they asked you oh. For me, the relationship has been different things at different points. In the beginning, it wasn’t my picture-perfect relationship. I had my idea of what a relationship should look like before we started dating. I wanted a rich, tall Yoruba man. If he wasn’t rich himself, I wanted him to be from a rich family that would always answer to his needs. I wanted an Instagrammable boyfriend. I also wanted a spiritual boyfriend that could either sing or play an instrument. Chuka is spiritual — in fact over spiritual sef. He also sings but he is short, not tall like I wanted. Plus, he is Igbo and he is not wealthy — he is still trying to get his life together.
Initially, it was a problem because I realised everything wasn’t perfect but I have learned a lot on this journey with him. I’m not the kind of person to settle for anything. When I’m in the room, I feel like everything should move forward. So we come up with plans to help him get better. Chuka is quite optimistic, so he always thinks everything will go well. I am a realist and I always make sure we have a plan B.
One thing that kept me going was that the relationship felt real. In every relationship or situationship I have been in, I had never been myself 100%. WIth him, it was different. He knew things I couldn’t even tell anyone at an early stage in the relationship. Also, it’s not every day you meet a guy that doesn’t want to be intimate from day 1.
I remember the day we kissed.I was at his place and we were talking. He was sitting opposite me on the bed. He looked really nice so I asked if I could kiss him. He said it was okay so we kissed. He was my first kiss in probably a year. I felt weird later. I even threw up. He was so worried but I think it was just because a foreign body was intimate with me for the first time in a long time.
What was your biggest fight about and how did you resolve it?
Maureen: He always keeps me waiting and it’s one of my pet peeves. The thing is, I like to plan my time. I don’t mind waiting for an hour, but Chuka will tell me five minutes and keep me waiting for an hour. There was one evening I was at his house and we were supposed to go out, but he was recording at the studio. There was no light and he kept me waiting for so long. When he came back, I told him I was going to my hostel.
How did you resolve the issue?
Maureen: I ended up not going home so we talked about it. Our strength is communication — we talk about everything. So when we fight, we take space from each other but later, we discuss what happened and why.
Chuka: That particular day, I was recording my first song and I knew it was going to be huge because people had been begging me to record it. I was already on my way home when she got there but I stopped to say hi to a couple of my friends on my street before heading home. I thought I would be quick, but I didn’t know when time flew. I had never seen her as angry as I saw her that night. She was shouting at me. I was scared. In my head, I was like, omo I don fuck up. I had to apologise. One thing God has blessed me with her is the communication aspect. There is no issue that is so big that cannot be handled. Sometimes, she might be wrong but I wouldn’t come for her. I may even apologise and days later, she would realise she was wrong and apologise.
Aww, what are your favourite parts of each other?
Chuka: My favourite body part is her bumbum. It’s a killer. Otherwise, I love how she’s so compassionate and kind.
Maureen: My favourite body part of his is his hair. He is also very understanding to a fault. He always makes excuses for me. He understands when I’m just being edgy. Sometimes, I flare up but he is always so calm. In my head, I’ll be like, “fight me”, but he never does. He always reminds me to calm down.
I like how we compliment each other. He is just a sweet person.
Do you have future plans for each other?
Chuka: I am definitely wifing her.
Maureen: I am definitely wifing him too. LMAO.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 -10 and why.
Maureen: 8.9 because we are not perfect. There are still some things in the relationship I would like to add.
Chuka: 9 for me, because like she said, we are not perfect. We both have some maturing to do. I want us to get to a point where we both know what is right in every situation on our own.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Are Married But He Needs To Propose
When Kingsley (40) met Ada (31), he was mesmerised. But Ada did not want anything to do with a man from Rivers State. Today on Love Life, they discuss moving from enemies to friends to husband and wife, and a pending marriage proposal.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kingsley: The first time I saw Ada was at a salon where she was making her hair. A friend of mine was at the salon, so I decided to stop and say “Hi.” And then I saw Ada. She had no make-up on, her hair was combed out, and she looked completely tired. But even in that state, she was stunning. That was when I realised that stopping at the salon was the best decision I ever made.
Ada: This man was greeting another babe next to me, then he asked the babe if we were together. Immediately she said no, he moved to me so he could collect my number. The moment he came to me, I thought to myself, “This one na ashawo.” But I gave him the number to save myself from plenty talk. My plan was to ignore his calls later on.
LMAO. But look at you today…
Kingsley: Omo, she was a tough nut to crack. This babe suffered me. I would call and she would not pick. And even when she did, her responses were direct, no time to joke around. She never wanted to see, and hanging out was completely out of the option. I even began to wonder if I had wronged her before.
Ada: Please, don’t paint me bad. I had my reasons for that.
Oya, tell us. We are all ears.
Ada: He would call me to come and see him only when it rained. At some point, I had to ask him if I was dry gin that brings heat.
Kingsley: But I also asked if I could come to your house, and your response was something along the lines of, “No sir, my house nor be hotel.” This woman would even read my WhatsApp messages and refuse to reply.
LMFAO. What did this man do to you?
Ada: Okay, to be fair, I did not like men from Rivers state and he fell under that demographic.
Kingsley: Oho.
Ada: And I was also seeing someone at the time.
Now, it’s adding up. What did Rivers men do to you?
Ada: Not me, specifically. I have just had people around who had bad experiences with them. For example, a friend of mine dated a man from Rivers state years ago and had no idea he was married. The day she found out, she fainted and went into a coma for a week. The man never called or checked on her till today. And this happened in 2009.
Kingsley: Wow. That’s cruel.
Ada: As for the man I was dating at the time, I was ghosted for over a year and it ended in hot breakfast and premium tears. I guess the heartbreak was what made me begin to see Kingsley in a different light.
Aww.
Kingsley: For me, I had to be patient and pray so I could understand her. In learning how to understand, I realised that she did not like people disturbing her too much. That was a major turn off. And so, whenever I checked up on her, I would tell her to let me know when she would be free, unlike before when I would call and demand to see her “now now”. And strangely, this simple understanding was the key I needed all along.
Ada: In my defense, I think the heartbreak made me let my guard down, and he took the opportunity to strike. Either way, I started to consider him as a friend, not as a lover. I had just gotten my heart broken, there’s no way I could jump into another relationship immediately.
So, you started as friends… How long did it take for this to happen?
Kingsley: A whole year of me begging her. When we became friends, we would hang out frequently and gist. We went to the movies, took walks in the park, and just vibed generally.
Ada: We were regular customers at Port Harcourt Mall. I loved the chicken and chips. Also, I think it was over a year before I said yes to his offer of friendship.
In this one year, were there other women in the story, Kingsley? I’m asking because one year is a long time to stay waiting for a babe to consider you.
Kingsley: Well… yes. There were other women.
Ada: Ashawo!
Kingsley: LMAO. I wasn’t committed to any of them though. I was just a young man enjoying himself. Ada was the goal for me and the other babes were just a distraction. My initial thought was to add her to this list of other women, but as time went on and our friendship grew, I began to see her as a wife and consider a future with her.
But did these other ladies know they were just “distractions”?
Kingsley: They knew I was not ready for anything serious. My last relationship was in 2009, and the serious pepper that entered my eye ehn. Let’s just thank God for life.
But Ada was different from the rest. She was calm and collected, and she has small skoin-skoin when provoked. The friendship proved all this to me.
Ada: And then we had sex.
Platonic friendship in the mud.
Ada: See! Anyway, I guess the sex took us from a friendship into a relationship. One day, he took me to an isi-ewu joint and said he just wanted us to talk. In my mind, I was like, “Hian. Talk wetin?”
Anyway, we got there and he started this serious talk of how he really needed me in his life, how he has had peace the few times we have been together, and all those long stories. Me I just sat there thinking, “Shey nor be the sex dey make this one dey yarn dust.”
Kingsley: See your big head. This woman just sat there rolling her eyes while I was giving my heartfelt speech.
Ada: He kuku asked me to fix a date so he could meet my parents. I did, and they met.
Wow. So you people didn’t do boyfriend/girlfriend stage. It was just friendship, mekwe and meeting parents?
Kingsley: Delay is dangerous, my guy. Time is of the essence.
Ada: When he came to meet my parents, I left him in the living room to face all the interviews alone. When they were done with him, they called me in and started advising us as a couple. The advice was so intense I had to wonder if my father had already collected my bride price.
I got the whole package: “Don’t allow a third party in your home”; “Settle your quarrels”; “Avoid harsh words.” Ah, Daddy! Mummy! Won’t you ask first ask me if I wanted to marry him?
Kingsley: They saw the spec in me, dear.
Ada: I met his own family too. His dad is late, but his mum showered me with prayers and blessings. Next thing, introduction of families and then marriage date was fixed. Both the family meeting and the introduction happened in December. By January, we had our court wedding. It was almost as if he did not want me to say I had changed my mind.
I’m screaming. Was there ever an official proposal?
Ada: Hell no. Oga, you need to propose oh. I know we are married, but please.
Kingsley: Marry me again, my love. See, my knees are bent.
Ada: Ogbeni, shift abeg.
LMAO. How has married life been?
Kingsley: Blissful.
Ada: It’s been very beautiful. We are not perfect, but we are doing good at it.
How would you say marriage has changed you both?
Kingsley: For me, not so much. But I think it has made me pay more attention to the “serious” things in life. How the world works, for example. Marriage forces you to sit up and sit right. You suddenly become responsible.
I still have my guys around, but I can no longer spend as recklessly as I used to, because now, there is a need to do one or more things for the home. Also, I’m now thinking of a future with children, and that requires planning. The end result is that I have tripled my hustle.
Ada: I totally agree with this. I don’t have that many friends, so my circle is still intact. Marriage has made me frugal with finances. When I was single, wetin concern me with planning for a child? Me that I have chicken and chips with smoothie to eat. But now, I find myself wanting to hustle more so I can maintain my old lifestyle and still afford the new one. Marriage is a lot of responsibility.
What’s the best part about being married to each other?
Ada: Kingsley cracks me up all the time. Sometimes even, it can be annoying. He is gentle, peaceful and peace-loving. An all round sweet soul. I like how fervent his love for God is. He is quite the prayerful husband. He listens to me, he respects me, and he has the purest heart.
Kingsley: Dry cleaner! Wash me, baby. Ada is a sweet girl! She is soft spoken, and she gives the best advice. And her sense of humour is unmatched.
Are there things you would love to change about each other?
Kingsley: Yes oh! When she is angry, she won’t say anything until she is calm inside and sometimes, that could take a whole day and I would be guessing what the problem is. There’s been improvement though.
Ada: My own is simple. When he is out with the boys and he says he would be back by 11 p.m., that 11 p.m. should be 11 p.m. I know beer and gist is sweet, but I also need to know if I should sleep and wake up later to open the door.
Kingsley: I’m sorry ma.
LMAO. Have you ever had any fights?
Ada: Just one major fight. And it was for the craziest reason, because na me cause the fight.
Kingsley: Oya, start confessing your sins.
Ada: It was about food. I was hungry and asked him to get some ingredients since he said he was on his way back home. I did not know uncle had not left where he was. Two hours passed, I nor see ingredients, I nor see uncle. I was so angry, I went out and got the items myself. I was already cooking when he came with the ingredients and was apologizing. Omo! My anger was already angered.
How did you resolve that?
Ada: He kept apologising, and I had no other choice to forgive him. For other issues, we are using communication as the healing balm. We try not to go to bed with pending issues.
Kingsley: And it works every time.
How would rate the relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Kingsley: It’s a 10 for me.
Ada: 10 for me too. We have made it this far, and it’s been the most beautiful thing ever.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Fell In Love Three Days After Meeting On Clubhouse
Oluwanifemi, 20, and Ayomide, 20 have been dating for five months. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Clubhouse, falling in love within three days and making a long-distance relationship work.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Oluwanifemi: I joined a queer room on Clubhouse in January. I remember hearing their voice and thinking they sound nice. So I checked their profile on Twitter. It was private so I sent a request. I wondered if they were going to accept my request or what I would DM her if they did.
Ayomide: We were actually playing a game on Clubhouse that day. We had to come up with pickup lines to use on people in the room. If they worked, we would win a prize. Each person was entitled to two pick up lines but I had three pickup lines for her LOL.
Did the pickup lines work?
Ayomide: I don’t know if they worked but I didn’t even text her to find out because I was scared. She had snapped at someone in the room on Clubhouse. Later I noticed she had requested to follow me on Twitter and I approved it.
How did you two start talking?
Oluwanifemi: There was one time one couple was fighting on Clubhouse. Ayomide was in the room with me but they had to leave to sort out something and when they tried to join again, the room was too full to accept more listeners. I was tweeting about what was going on so they DMed me to gist them what was going on in the room. Lmao, I started taking notes of the fight in my Notes app. In my head, I was asking myself, “Sis, are you really doing this because of amebo?”
Ayomide: She was so dedicated to giving me gist. After that, I quoted a tweet about a queer couple that had met on Twitter saying I wanted to recreate that. She sent me a message and we decided to go on a virtual date.
Oluwanifemi: I already had a crush on them so when I saw that tweet, I concluded that it was the universe telling me to shoot my shot.
What was the date like?
Oluwanifemi: We didn’t even have a plan. We just showed up on Facetime and talked.
Ayomide: It was 11 pm my time and 6 pm her time. We were dressed the way we would have been if we went on a physical date. She wore a crop top and I remember being so mesmerized by her.
Oluwanifemi: Me too. We had so much to talk about I remember telling them that I might have overshared and they said, “Who gets to decide what is too much or too little?” That resonated with me.
Ayomide: I can’t remember a lot of the things I said that day because I was really mesmerised by her LMAO. I know I prepared cards to help aid the conversation but we didn’t even need that because our chemistry was great.
Oluwanifemi: I was already in love with their voice from Clubhouse. I was just in awe. That night, I knew that we had the potential to date but I wasn’t sure. Regardless, I told them during the date that I wasn’t there to be friends — I was trying to sleep with them.
Aww. What happened after?
Oluwanifemi: After the date, they messaged me on Twitter to tell me they had a good time. I said it was mutual and we continued talking. Two days later, we made a playlist together on Spotify.
Ayomide: Yea, we added songs that we both liked and thought the other person should listen to. We would get on the phone and listen to the playlist together. It was so cute.
Oluwanifemi: One day, they randomly Facetimed me and we were messing around with Facetime effects as we were on the call. They typed the “I love you” on their screen and I just started laughing because it was so fast. I have been in the talking stage for like a year before. This was three days after our first date. LMAO. The next day, I sent a voice note saying I love them too. That’s how we started dating — we didn’t need to ask each other out, we just knew from then on that we were a couple.
How has the relationship been so far?
Ayomide: Long distance has been hard. I used to laugh at the sapphic stereotype of falling in love with people who lived oceans away, only to now become the stereotype. I live in Nigeria and she lives in Canada but we have been able to make it work so far.
Initially, the time difference used to drive me insane. I have a job and she’s a student so finding the perfect time to talk in between our busy schedules and sleeping hours was hell but we’ve hacked it now and we always make out time to talk to each other. We have dates as often as possible where we talk about our future together so we both know we are not fooling around in this relationship.
So far, this has been the most satisfying relationship of my life. My belly feels full of love because of her. Some days, I find myself grinning because I know I am loved by someone as beautiful as her. Sometimes, it feels like my heart is going to burst. LMAO.
Oluwanifemi: Aww. For me, I feel like I have found someone I can fully be myself with. I don’t have to hide anything about myself with them which is new for me because, in past relationships, I had to shrink myself to get my partners to like me more. I feel loved and accepted here. We are constantly checking up on each other.
We put in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. We read and share articles with each other that help us be better partners with each other. They introduced me to Bell Hooks’ All About Love and the way love is described in the book is how Ayomide loves me. They are careful with me, with words and they don’t hesitate to tell me how much they love me. They also put me on to good music.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Oluwanifemi: I love the freedom it gives me to be myself. I am able to have my own beliefs and opinions on life. There is always room for everything with us. Ayomide is always affirming me and reassuring me. This relationship was just what I needed and more. I never thought a romantic relationship would satisfy me this much. I am more particular about my friendships than relationships but with Ayomide, I know I have a friend in them. I would like to do things other couples do though like going on a sip and paint date or cuddling each other to sleep.
Ayomide: The best part of the relationship for me is that she is in it with me. I also love the way we communicate with each other. We strive for softness and kindness in our interactions. Honestly, this relationship is everything I dreamed of.
Have you ever fought? What was your biggest fight about?
Ayomide: It happened recently. I was going through stuff at work and she was also having issues with school. We hadn’t talked about it but it was affecting communication with each other. It led to us not talking for ten hours. Eventually, I reached out and we asked each other what was really going on with us.
Oluwanifemi: There isn’t much to fight about. We try to communicate as much as we can and we respect each other’s opinions. When we have differing opinions, we always remember to be kind to one another. It’s us against the problem and not us against each other. We also try to voice out anything that we don’t like so that it doesn’t grow into resentment.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Ayomide: My favourite thing about her is her lips and the laughter that comes out of them. I love hearing her laugh so much. I don’t have to know what’s making her laugh, I just laugh too.
Oluwanifemi: LMAO. It’s the same for me. Your laughter is contagious.
Do you have future plans together?
Ayomide: Yes we do. She is coming to Nigeria later this year to stay for a while and I’m planning to go to Canada next year.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10
Ayomide: 11.
Oluwanifemi: It can’t be 11 — we haven’t met yet.
Ayomide: It’s 11 because I am receiving everything I’ve ever wanted in love and I couldn’t be happier.
Oluwanifemi: Aww. It’s 9.5 for me because I feel like there’s still room for me to be better. I could be more understanding than I currently am. Sometimes I tend to forget things they told me until they remind me. I want to improve on things like that. Also, we haven’t met each other yet so I’m leaving the 0.5 till then.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Love Is Blind But Marriage Is An Eye-Opener
Olaide (29) and Yetunde (28) started out as just friends. But Olaide had plans to steal Yetunde’s heart. In today’s Love Life, they discuss intentional romance, how to steal a woman’s heart, and navigating the first year of marriage.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Yetunde: We were in the drama unit at church. Every year, the unit recruits new people through an audition process, and he was one of the people who came to audition. I was an admin in the unit. This was 2019.
Olaide: The audition was slated for 10 a.m., and I got there at 10:01. When I stepped in, she said, “Hold on, you are late.” I was too tired to argue, I just looked at her and thought, “What’s doing this one?”
Yetunde: But let’s be honest, a minute late is late, considering you were supposed to be there at least five minutes before. Punctuality was the first step. Anyway, he did his audition and was selected. The new recruits go through a number of training sessions before they become fully integrated into the unit, and as an admin, I ought to be present at these meetings. But I was staying on the Island, and the church was on the Mainland, so I missed a lot of the meetings. I was also going through a difficult time in that period, so I went off social media too. And then one morning, he called to check up on me. He said he noticed that I was offline and he wanted to know if I was okay. This small act touched me: members of the unit who had known me for longer did not even think to check up on me, but this guy who just joined was the one doing that.
Olaide: And that’s how we started. I went for her heart and I stole it.
How did you do it? Abeg share tips.
Yetunde: Abeg, abeg, abeg. After he called to check up on me, we began talking from there. He would respond to my status updates, ask about my day, and try to make me laugh. The moment all these started, I quickly assessed him and came to the conclusion that he would rot in the friendzone. Besides, I was not even thinking of dating. I was in that phase where I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I had a number of guys around me and I was feeling myself and saying, “Yes. This is my moment.” One guy would deliver lunch, another would take me on a movie date. Why commit myself when I could take my sweet time to discover my own prince charming?
I’ll give him credit: he did his own share of flattery. He also paid attention to the things I said I liked, the ones I did not. I mentioned that I wasn’t a call person, just chats, and he stuck to the chats. He would send things to my office, and I would collect them and think, “Aww, Mr. Nice Guy.” A colleague at work saw all of the things I was getting from him, and she told me to be open-minded about dating him, but for me, that path was already closed. In fact, I was looking for girlfriends for him. I wanted to be sure that he was safe with someone and that nothing could happen between us. At some point, I told him to stop sending things to my office because I did not want a situation where someone would come and attack me for collecting things from him without intending to date him. Everyone said he wasn’t being nice for niceness sake, that he wanted something more, but he insisted that he only wanted friendship, nothing else.
Olaide: That’s the first tip to stealing someone’s heart: start with friendship. When we started talking, she was not in a good place. Approaching her by saying she would be my wife would be a lot to handle, so I started as a friend. But in everything I did, there was the undertone of my affection for her. At first, she acted like she didn’t see it, and then she said I was using secondary school lines. But me, I was focused. And you know why? God had already told me she would be my wife.
Ahan, Jehovah overdo! Tell me more.
Olaide: Before I met Yetunde, I was in a serious relationship of about 5 years that was sure to lead to marriage. But then one night we were at a vigil rehearsal, preparing for the 2019 June production. When she was leading prayers, a voice said, “Open your eyes and look at her, that’s your wife.” My first thought was, “Shey you dey whine me ni?” I just laughed it off.
But then later, after I had thought about it, I told God, “If she is the one I am to marry, then do your thing.” Not long after that, my relationship hit rock-bottom, and I got into my own hoe phase. The same way Yetunde had guys bringing her things, I also had babes around me. By December of that year, I told her I was going to “clear my desk.” In other words, I was giving all the other girls in my life a red card so I could focus on her.
So, Step 2 is “Focus”. Jotting things down.
Yetunde: And he did focus on me. In fact, he became the dominant guy in my life. With him, every other guy faded into the background. I was told to pray about it, but I refused. Praying about it would mean that I was open to possibilities and I wasn’t. Maybe I had a mental picture of who I wanted my husband to be, and Olaide was not it.
First of all, I thought he was a small boy. I also wanted someone who was Tall, Dark, and Handsome, a God-lover, who would also be charming, caring, kind, romantic, and sweet. He ticked some things — the important things, as I would later find out. But at first, I thought he wasn’t tall or fine enough to fit the requirements I had in my head. But since being married to him, I have come to realise that my village people wanted to get me, because, really, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HANDSOME THIS MAN IS? Nothing can be done about the height again, sha.
Try beans and fertilizer.
Olaide: Ehn? Who do you people want to kill? Please and please, I’m fine the way I am.
He heard from God that you would be his wife. Did you hear the same thing too, or did you get any sign at all?
Yetunde: I can’t say that I did in clear terms. But I always say that God chose him for me or I would have missed it, and what a miss that would have been. Some of my reservations were based on the fact that he was still living with his uncle and wasn’t very financially stable. I’m not materialistic, but I wanted someone with some level of financial comfort. Nobody wan suffer. It seemed like with him, I would have to start from ground zero and the stories we hear about building with someone only for another person to come and hijack the building made me hold back.
Before we started dating, I had said I wanted to be pampered in my next relationship. I wanted to date someone who would spend money on me, take me out on trips, buy me expensive stuff and all of that because me sef deserve am. Others were getting it, so why not me? But with him, I noticed that he may not have so much but he was willing to spend the little he had on trying to make me happy. That, for me, was more important than someone who had the money but wasn’t even selfless or giving. At least with Olaide, I could rest assured that when he blows, my pampering is secure. And now that we are married, he’s not doing badly in that aspect.
Tell me, Olaide. Does she pamper you as much as she wants you to pamper her?
Olaide: LMAO. She tries her best. She gave me the best and most memorable birthday of my life. She also buys me gifts, takes me out for dates, and sends lunch to my office. Until she came into my life, I never knew I loved gifts, or that receiving gifts was an important love language to me.
So, when did you become sure that you had stolen her heart?
Olaide: When she told me she loved me. This was in January 2020. The moment she said it, I said, “Ah, do you mean it?”
Yetunde: LMAO. But you had always said it multiple times. What made mine different?
Olaide: I said it multiple times to ensure a soft landing. I was basically wetting the ground so that it would be easier for you to bear when I started moving like a man ready to drag you to the altar. It’s why you would say something random and I would respond with “I love you.” You were laughing, but I was clearing my path small-small.
LMAO. So, Step 3 is “Say I love you multiple times” Hmm. Still jotting things down.
Yetunde: I don’t know when his tone changed from being playful to very serious, but I looked back at our friendship one day and realised that I had become attached to him even without meaning to. He had become special to me. Valentine’s Day was approaching, and I knew he was going to do something special. I could have delayed the “I love you” till then, but I did not want it to appear like I was saying it out of gratitude for all I was getting from him. I wanted him to know it was genuine. And so in January, I said the words.
Of course, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. He went all out. Rose petals, surprise getaway, a lot of drama. It was so heartwarming. This man understands love and affection. In July, he proposed, and we got married in October.
Olaide: I would have done more, but COVID did what it did, and so a lot of the places we wanted to visit were inaccessible, and then there was the lockdown too.
How has married life been?
Yetunde: Omo. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. That’s the summary of it. Marriage has tested me in many ways. The first year is a bit tough, and I often wonder if things would be easier if we had dated for longer, but he doesn’t see it from that point of view. I have had to let go of my stubbornness. Miscommunication occurs and I try to figure things out, and it’s not even working. Sometimes, it gets so difficult that I sit down and think, “What did I get myself into?” Sometimes, I think marriage is overrated. And there are also times where I just want to get through the day and not even think about love.
There are days when we fight and make up, but always, we try to get better. It was tougher in the first few months. He was constantly annoying, but I will be honest, I don’t think I can imagine marriage with someone else. Olaide gets me. Even when we fight, I know he is still my personal person. He’s not petty, neither is he out to get me. It’s rare how we fight and he still assures me of his love. And yet, he refuses to settle in being romantic and intentional, even though we are married. Day after day, he tries to know me more. It’s as though I am an interesting book he never wants to finish reading.
Olaide: Yetunde is my peace of mind with a sprinkle of craze. She brings me so much joy and yet keeps me in check. She’s my very own Comedy Central. She’s a great cook, and her affection is endless. I feel like I am kind, but she’s kinder. She is sweet, and takes to correction, even more than I do. Being married to her pushes me to do better, be better. She is a fighter, and will not settle until she gets what she wants. I could be lackadaisical but her fighting spirit keeps me on my toes.
I’m eager to see her smile, eager to come home to her, wrap my hands around her and kiss her. She’s a vibe and a whole mood, and with her, marriage feels new and fresh, not formulaic. People come to our house and ask why I’m packing her plates and all, but I am more than pleased to do this. She’s also very eager to cover up the places where I fall short, especially financially.
These are a lot of good qualities oh. Aren’t there areas you’d love to see change?
Yetunde: I wish he’d listen more and listen better. Many times, I have to repeat myself and warn him about things because my intuition tells me something is off. But he does not listen until it falls apart and he comes to me. Sometimes, I feel frustrated about having to repeat myself on things and I have told him that one day, I would print out a shirt that says, “Listen to your wife more” and give him to wear, but I am learning how to be patient.
Kindness comes easy to him. He doesn’t hesitate to be kind to me and outsiders. It is in the little things: how he boils water for me to bathe when I’m cold; how he often remembers to buy me Vitamin C. He’s easily trusting too, and these are things I want him to work on. No, I don’t want him to change, but I would love for him to question people’s motives, and take a more critical look at situations more before plunging into them. That way, people would not take advantage of him so much, and he would not take decisions as though he were still single.
Olaide: The dangbana choko part is the part I love the most about her and the part I love the least. I wish she would temper it down a bit, so that little things wouldn’t cause fights.
How would you rate your relationship (and marriage) on a scale of 1-10?
Yetunde: 8. I love that we have a solid friendship as our base. It’s what has helped us weather through, even when it seems like the marriage is turning on its own. It doesn’t feel like marriage in the traditional sense of the word, we’re just chill. We play, gist, gossip, banter ourselves. Even when we fight, we are eager for the gist.
Olaide: It’s an 8 for me too. Each time I wake up next to Yetunde, I feel like I have been given a new lease on life.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: He Wouldn’t Go To London Without Me
Becca*, 28, and Michael*, 25 have been dating for five months. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from work besties to friends with benefits, then deciding to relocate to London together.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Michael: She doesn’t know this, but I was coming to work one day when I saw her sitting among other people probably waiting for an interview. She looked nice in her hat and suit, and I thought, “Hmm, this is a fashionable woman.”
A week later, she was back. She had been hired, and she wore the same suit.
Becca: Wow, tell everybody o. It was a nice suit sha.
Michael: It was.
Becca: The first time I saw him was the day I resumed at the office. He was in the conference room, and I thought he looked cute and quiet — I am fascinated by quiet people.
By the third day, I’d noticed he was always working on his own in one corner of the office. Aside from the fact that he was cute and quiet, I joined the company as a chief operating officer, so it was part of my job to get to know everybody in the office and how they worked. That’s how we started talking. I would sit with him now and then just to chat.
Michael: She says she sits with me like she wanted to spend time with me, but she was just trying to get away from the office noise. We had young people at the office, and you know how noisy that can get sometimes.
Becca: I also sat with him to ward off people asking him for favours. In my first month, I noticed everyone always came to him for help. They’d ask him to drive them somewhere or do some of their work, and he wouldn’t have time to do his own work. He was too nice.
Most times, he ended up leaving work late. He didn’t know how to say no.
That’s cute. When did your relationship start to change?
One day, we were working on something and I said, “It’s a hard fit”. He responded with, “That’s what she said.”
In my mind, I was like, ah, so this boy is not innocent. I was shocked he could make a dirty joke.
LOL! What happened next?
Becca: I knew he liked me because he had hinted at it a few times, but he was in a relationship and I was in my hoe phase having the time of my life. Sometime in November, we attended a wedding together. After the wedding, he dropped me off at my house. I asked if he could stay because he was drunk. We spent the rest of the night talking and that day we transitioned from work besties to friends with benefits.
How did friends with benefits enter abeg?
Becca: We were talking about my collection of men when he asked if he could kiss me. I was a bit shocked because I had ruled him off as a shy guy. We kissed and the rest is history.
Michael: Our dynamic was interesting though. She would tell me about her escapades, and I was living vicariously through her. On my own, I’m an introvert and I wouldn’t go out if it wasn’t necessary. I broke up with my ex sometime in October, which got me into a depressive phase that she helped me through. I was drinking so much at the time. My routine was drinking and spending time at her house.
Becca: That was also the period we both started feeling unsatisfied with our careers. He has a master’s degree in gaming engineering. I didn’t understand why he was working at that company with shitty pay. I am great at leaving places where I feel unsatisfied and underpaid. I wouldn’t even waste time. Within two months of working at that firm, I knew I was going to leave and asked him to leave too.
Michael: I was trying to see if she would resolve her issue with the company.
Becca: Resolve what? I analyse things quickly — if I am not earning or learning, I am out. I took a pay cut to be there and it wasn’t worth it. I had to leave. Luckily for him, he took my advice. It was a big risk for him to quit, but look at him now, thriving. In fact, we are navigating our sexually transmitted japa at the moment.
Ehn?
Becca: We are on our way to London.
Mad o. How did that happen?
Michael: In February this year, we left our jobs and I started freelancing.
Becca: I figured I had feelings for him when he told me one of the jobs he was pursuing was most likely going to pull through. I was so excited for him, then he said he would be relocated to London. I freaked out. The thought of him leaving was scary. I was excited he got the job, but I realised that I was going to miss him so much. I couldn’t picture life without him.
Michael: I could see the mix of fear and joy on her face. I watched her realise she was in love with me, and it gave me the confidence to ask her out. Within a week, she said yes.
Becca: He asked me out when he got the job, and I was like, you seem to be more excited about chasing me than you getting a job. That’s when he asked me to come with him because the company was offering to move his partner as well.
WOW! God when?
Michael: To be honest, there was no way I would’ve taken the job if she couldn’t come with me. I had my own plans around it. I knew it was possible for her to come along as a visitor, and we could figure out the other parts later. Fortunately, I told my office people I wanted to come with my partner, and they offered to move her. But when I told her, she said no.
NO?
Becca: I am a considerate person, and I don’t like to impose on people. He had not even earned the first month’s salary. I didn’t want him to be thinking of me when he was spending that money. Imagine going from a basic salary to a 1000% salary increase. Plus I had my family and friends to think of. It took my friends and Buhari moving mad to convince me to agree to travel with him. My friends convinced me to take the chance.
I researched my career opportunities in London for me. I didn’t want a situation where I wouldn’t be able to get employed. When I saw that I could get jobs, I agreed to travel with him. He got the approval he needed for his visa one month after he asked me to join him, but he told his office people he wasn’t leaving until mine was ready. They sent mine shortly after. Currently, we are in Accra, and we would be leaving for London in a week.
Sounds like a plan. Do you two fight? What was your biggest fight about and how did you resolve it?
Michael: I promised someone I would buy them an expensive gift with my first salary.
Becca: A very expensive gift — An iPhone 12 pro max. Meanwhile, he was using a broken, hand-me-down Samsung phone.
Michael: I didn’t tell her when I made the promise. I knew she was going to be upset but I knew my friend needed a new phone. When I told her about it, the next one hour was the toughest of our relationship. I had never seen her that angry; I was a bit excited to see her like that. I was meeting a part of her I had never seen before.
After that one hour, it was mostly sarcastic comments from her like: “Wonderful! You are a rich man now.” I felt at peace though, knowing I could tell her anything, and we would be okay.
Becca: My issue is that a lot of people around him sometimes are entitled to his goodwill. If Michael is left alone, he would give away his soul. I thought it was selfish for his friend to accept this gift. They didn’t even give him space to breathe before all the requests, overt and subliminal, started.
Michael: Money doesn’t mean so much to me. Having it is great, but my philosophy is as long as I am comfortable, I am okay.
Becca: Okay, go and put everything in your account in a swimming pool right now. See, I am a giver as well, but the difference between me and him is I have boundaries. That’s mostly what we fight about — when he goes too far with his selflessness. Now, we make our monthly budget together.
How has the relationship been so far?
Becca: Everything has been good. This has been the best relationship of my life. I have no reasons to complain.
Michael: Same here.
Becca: Everything they told me growing up about love was to get ready to make compromises, but our relationship is an all in one package. He is cute, kind and thoughtful. For the first few months, I was waiting for the second shoe to drop, but we’ve been good so far.
Aww, that’s sweet. What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Michael: Her energy. She does this thing where she sounds like a Disney princess. It’s so cute. I love that she can switch from being a boss ass bitch to that. She has so much energy, and I love it.
Becca: My favourite thing about him is that he can cook, and he is so fancy. Since we got to Accra, we have been hotel hopping because he wants the fanciest space.
Michael: I am not looking for the fanciest space.
Becca: You are oh. Because I told you I was comfortable at the one hotel but it wasn’t good enough for you. We are in the third hotel since we got here. I won’t be surprised if he wakes up tomorrow and we move to a penthouse.
Also, I love how smart, persistent and kind he is. It translates in his work — he is very driven and won’t stop hacking at a problem until he solves it.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10
Becca: 10. See, if this relationship gets better than this, it has to be God’s love. Sometimes I get scared that he will stop loving me because it’s unbelievable how good the relationship is right now.
Michael: 10 for me as well. I love how she drives me to be better.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: He Needed Affection I Couldn’t Give
*Arinze (25) and *Ebi (25) love each other but broke up after dating exclusively for a month. In today’s episode of Love Life, they admit to their parts in the breakup and talk about navigating their new relationship as “friends with benefits who are in an undefined open relationship and often say ‘I love you’.”
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Arinze: We met on Grindr. I messaged him first, we exchanged Instagram handles and we kept texting for weeks. And then he blocked me because he thought I wasn’t into him.
Ebi: In my defence, he was giving lacklustre energy. He would only reply me but not make conversation. Then he cancelled our plans to meet like two or three times in the name of being “busy”. I think I’m an intense person, but after waiting for a change and it didn’t happen, I decided to stop the foolishness. My solution to life is “block and move on”, so I blocked him everywhere and moved on. Normally, I would have had a conversation about his lack of energy before I blocked him, but it just felt like too much for someone I just met, so I opted not to.
Arinze, were you giving lacklustre energy?
Arinze: In retrospect, I think so. If he had asked me, I would have given him my reasons. One, I’m very guarded with personal information when talking to new people; two, his Instagram page was empty so I had only a vague idea of what he looked like from the two photos he sent me. But I was enjoying some of the topics we were discussing, and finding out that he’d blocked me was a bit confusing. My Instagram messages were not being “seen” anymore, and I couldn’t find his account. I tried calling him to figure out why I was blocked, but apparently, he’d blocked me there too. That was when I concluded none of it was my problem and moved on.
Ebi: To be fair, I know him now and can say his behaviour then is just how it is. His schedule is pretty tight too.
So who unblocked who first?
Arinze: Funny enough, he didn’t block me on Grindr. A few weeks later, I saw him online and messaged him to ask if he forgot to block me there. That’s when he explained why he blocked me.
Ebi: Yeah, I blocked him everywhere but Grindr because I wanted to keep that door open.
Arinze: I found his explanation unsatisfactory, but I was willing to meet him because I thought he was fine and wanted to know if the dick hit.
We also seemed to have similar tastes in music, tv shows, books, pop culture, etc, and I was curious to find out if that would translate in real life. He asked if I wanted to come over, I said yes.
Ebi: After I blocked him, I got into an entanglement with some dude in an open relationship, so I didn’t need to go on Grindr. When it ended, I got back to the streets and installed Grindr again. When he texted me, I was partially happy to reconnect. We talked, he teased me for blocking him and being childish, I asked him if he would love to come over, we had sex. He was hotter and more handsome in person, I must add. And he’s a very smart spec of a guy.
LMAO. Romanzzzz. So what happened next?
Arinze: We were both interested in moving forward with being “exclusive”. We arranged a date to watch A Quiet Place 2 at the cinema, but this he-goat came late and we missed the film, so we had to go all the way to IMAX in Lekki. We ordered a lot of food, and made out a lot in the dark cinema room. That was our first date.
Ebi: Oh, we got very terrible chicken wings on that date. The next day, I sent him wings with a note that said “Palate cleanse to fix the disaster we had the day before”. On our second date, I asked him out and he said yes. It was my first relationship, and he said it was his too.
Arinze: We went on more dates, invaded each other’s privacy like animals, it was very consuming. We met on a Thursday, had our first date the following Monday and then the second date on Friday. The time we met on Grindr to when we started dating was about a month and a few weeks.
How did it feel to be in a relationship for the first time?
Arinze: It was good. Commitment felt good. It was my first exclusive relationship with someone I liked. It felt different in the beginning because I’m not used to checking in on people or talking to them constantly — morning, afternoon, evening — but I got used to it because I really liked him.
Ebi: For me, it was great! Arinze is really smart, funny, and very vast in trash (my kind of trash), so our conversations were amazing. Even though it was my first relationship, I didn’t need “practice” because I have so many friends I’m very affectionate towards, and he was someone new I was sleeping with and could be deeply affectionate with. Oh, and he sent me songs very often and I put all of them in a playlist and I typically play that playlist every day.
So, the relationship was all love and light?
Arinze: Yes, it was. We had inside jokes and got excited about the same things, which was great until we broke up a month later.
I’ll leave Ebi to give you the full details.
Ebi: LMAO. Okay, okay. Arinze is a great person, but throughout the relationship, I was concerned about the level of thoughtfulness I got from him. I’m a giving and very affectionate person, and while the goal of being that way is not to always receive, it’s not wild to expect my partner to match the energy. But I did not get the impression that Arinze was trying to match that energy.
I tried to rationalise it: does he not like me in the way that I like him; does he not have the capacity to be affectionate towards me; was he apprehensive of showing too much affection because it was too early in the relationship? It was a very confusing state, but I didn’t have a conversation with him because I wanted to give him space and give it time so I wouldn’t appear too pushy early in the relationship.
Did this work?
Arinze: We ended up breaking up on our one month anniversary.
Ebi: And even then, he did something too. He knew this was our first relationship and our one month anniversary was up in a week. It was on a Sunday. I know he likes staying in on Sundays, so a week before, I texted him: Our one month anniversary is up, I know you’re kinda busy and need to be booked 5 years in advance. Want to do something on that day? He said yes. We didn’t make concrete plans; but it was a marked date.
Even till the night before, he still did not agree to make any concrete plans. And then on the day of the anniversary, he “fell sick.” Him being ill wasn’t the problem, it’s that we made no plans or had anything for this important one month milestone for each of us. Even if the relationship wasn’t important, it’s our first relationship, and it lasted one month, so I expected fireworks for reaching that milestone.
On that day, there was still some lacklustre energy and I was already just overthinking the whole relationship, so I called him and had the first conversation about why I thought he wasn’t affectionate or intentional. I told him I had thought a lot about it and that I came to the conclusion that he just wasn’t wired to show me the kind of wholesome affection that I wanted. I told him it was hard for me, and trying to change him would take too long, so it was best for us to break up.
Oh wow. So sorry this happened.
Arinze: The crux of the matter was that Ebi didn’t think I was as thoughtful as he was because he felt like he was spending more money on me than I was on him. He might not want to admit this, but I think this was why he felt conflicted about the relationship. In my defense, we lived very far apart from each other — mainland to island — and it was too expensive for me to keep coming regularly. He never even offered to come over to my house to visit. Of course, sex at my parents’ was a no-no, but we definitely could have had fun if he came over.
Ebi: Thoughtfulness is not only about money. It’s showing you care for someone and they’re your priority, and you were not giving me that in the relationship. I wouldn’t deny that the money spending wasn’t a factor; I’m just saying it was less about that and more about the rest.
Also, I didn’t know coming over to your place was an option at all. My bad, I’m sorry.
Arinze: Fundamentally, I’m not a needy person. I’m always good on my own. And so, when we got together, my mindset was, “If this relationship doesn’t work, I’m going to be okay. I have been okay before this guy and I’ll be okay after him”. I didn’t know how to be “affectionate” in a new relationship because nobody ever needed me in that way before. And so, when he said to break up, I didn’t take it too hard. I understood he needed the kind of relationship I wasn’t able to give him at the moment.
Ebi: I think we approached the relationship very differently. I’ve also always been alone since forever; I mean, this is my first relationship and I’m twenty-five, so even though I’ve always been isolated, I knew if I got in a relationship, I would give my whole self and not bits of myself.
Arinze: Fair point, but I still feel like my not spending as much money on you was a big part of why you felt neglected in a way.
Ebi: Again, no. We are in different tax brackets. It would be ridiculous to have expected that. I guess I just wanted a better semblance of your affection and I wasn’t really seeing it.
Now that we have broken up, I have freed myself from expecting anything from him. Expectations can make you miserable, and I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where I am not fully satisfied. I simply take him as he is, outside the confines of a relationship, and now, we are just friends that sleep together.
Arinze: After the break-up, we talked about staying friends. But the sex had been good, and we were both unwilling to discard that. It was weird at first but we’ve definitely settled into it well.
Ebi: Until this guy sent me a drunk voice note saying, “I love you.”
Hay God. What is this plot twist?
Ebi: I was busy minding my FWB business one day, when I got a voice note, which is uncharacteristic of him because he doesn’t send voice notes. I play it, and it starts with a big sigh like he knew he was mad at himself for what he was about to admit, and then he goes, “I love you” in the softest tone I’ve ever heard. Before I could process it, he added, “Or maybe I don’t, or maybe I do, I don’t know.” Best believe I backed that VN up on all my cloud providers.
Arinze: Now, why would you even save that VN? Are you down bad? See, I got drunk on a work afternoon because I had some vodka, and I sent him that VN with a couple of other messages about the world coming to an end and God being real.
Ebi: And here’s the most interesting thing. It was the first time he was saying that to me.
You both never said “I love you” during the relationship?
Ebi: I knew I loved him even before we broke up, but I never said and then there was the breakup. I didn’t think it would ever be said. When he sent me the VN, I didn’t say it back because he was drunk, and I needed to hear him say it to my face. But I made a playlist of songs that said “I love you” and sent it to him that evening. We met the next day, and I told him to his face after we discussed the circumstances surrounding it. The conversation felt freeing, because finally, I could interrupt him mid-sex to say I love you.
Arinze: Okay, this is melting my icy heart. I mean, I do also love you, just so you know. And I will always love you no matter what because our foundation was unconventional but also pretty solid. I feel like I have known you literally my whole life.
So what would you call what you have?
Ebi: I don’t know… Friends with benefit with a sprinkle of I love you and a side of undefined open relationship?
Arinze: Are you sure you’re sober?
LOL. So how are you navigating sleeping with other people, now that you’ve both said “I love yous”?
Ebi: Oddly, there’s nothing different, at least for me. My I love you was me letting him know I love him; I’m not sure it has changed anything in general.
Arinze: Same here.
Do you ever think you’ll get back together?
Ebi: We started the relationship knowing we were both moving to different countries, so that has always been an underlying “plan”. I think a relationship might be hard to fathom for now because of the constraint of distance, but I definitely love the affectionate man he’s becoming. If we’re in the same city, I’d definitely love to explore that.
Arinze: I really don’t know. I’m not an intuitive person or a person who likes to think about the future, but I definitely enjoy what we have now. God is unpredictable and men are trash, so I hope whatever is in the future is good.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chelle, 24, and Layide, 23 have been dating for seven months. Today on Love Life, they talk about striking a connection the moment they started talking, how their decision to stay friends changed and how long-distance affects their relationship.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Layide: She was in a car, and I was with a mutual friend of ours. We were looking at each other; we didn’t say hi.
Chelle: Mine would be touching her hair.
Wait, how did you people go from not talking to touching her hair?
Chelle: We were at a games night organised by our mutual friend. When I came, she was on the phone outside. She was on that call for a long time. Eventually, she finished and I went to say hi to her. I told her I liked her hair and asked if I could touch it. She was quite shy — she blushed at everything I said or did. We flirted and later we exchanged numbers.
Layide: She was so excited to put her number on my phone. I loved her energy and knew I wanted to spend more time with her. She came with someone else, and I didn’t know the dynamics of their relationship so I didn’t intend to be pushy. When we started texting, she made it clear that she didn’t want to be in a relationship yet. I respected that and we remained friends. I wasn’t in a hurry, so I waited for about six months.
Chelle: I had just gotten out of a relationship where I felt like I was taking care of a dead plant, so I wasn’t looking to date anyone. I wanted to learn how to be alone, and I also needed to figure things out for myself.
Things like what?
Chelle: I was supposed to graduate in 2020 but the pandemic delayed that. I also planned to start a food business while I was in school. Being at home for months destabilised my plans. I needed time to think about what I wanted to do next.
I felt depressed. I was always crying. I don’t like talking to people about my problems because I feel like no one cares, but Layide was always interested in anything I had to say. She would always video call me to ask what’s wrong and how she could help. She would also ask later on if everything was fine.
Aww, that’s sweet. How were you feeling about this, Layide?
Layide: I didn’t mind making those calls or checking on her. I liked her but I also wasn’t in a hurry to date. I was fine spending time with her. More than anything, I wanted her to know I genuinely cared for her .
As much as I wanted her to date her, it was also important to me that she was happy and in a good place by herself.
What happened next?
Chelle: One day in November, we went out together and she took pictures of me. She used to be terrible at it, but that day, she said she had gone to learn how to do it better on YouTube. That was the most thoughtful thing anyone had done for me. I cried for like five seconds when she said it. I spent the rest of the month thinking about whether or not I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I had decided to start my business while I was at home and after procrastinating for months, I did. That’s when I knew I was ready to date again.
In December, one of the days we went out together, I asked her to ask me out again. She blushed and asked me if I would be her girlfriend. When I said yes, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to be in a relationship. I told her I had figured things out and was ready to be with her.
How has the relationship been so far?
Chelle: We are in a long-distance relationship and I have never been in one before. Sometimes I get angry and ask her why she let me fall in love with her, knowing we’d end up here.
Wait, long-distance?
Layide: We always knew we were going to be a long-distance couple because when we met, she was schooling in Benin but was in Lagos because of the pandemic. One of the reasons she didn’t want to date me was because of the distance. I had never been in a long-distance relationship either.
We try to see each other often though. I think the longest time we’ve spent apart is about eight weeks.
Layide: Asides from distance, our relationship has been great. I love our dynamic and how much we understand each other. She’s a talker and I’m a listener. We don’t argue unnecessarily, and we never go to bed mad at each other. We talk about everything and anything whenever we spend time together.
Chelle: Our heads work better together. We help each other solve personal problems.
Layide: Yup, plus the sex is great! I’m a sexual person and she matches my energy if not, surpasses it. Even though we are long distance, we still have a healthy sex life. Thanks to video calls.
Mad o. Oya, tell me about your fights.
Chelle: I tend to pick fights with her when I feel lonely. There was one time she was supposed to come and see me in school. We had talked about it and made plans, but when the day came, I didn’t hear from her. She didn’t talk about it, so I didn’t say anything. She eventually made the trip to Benin a few weeks later. That’s when I told her I was mad at her. She apologised and we settled it.
Layide: Like I said, we don’t argue a lot. Most times, when she’s angry, I am able to talk to her and we work through it. Even when she is angry with other people. She is the kind of person that would change it for you when you try her. Sometimes, though, I have to step in when I think she is overreacting. I try to point out that whatever happened might not be the person’s fault.
Chelle: LMAO. She has saved a lot of people with those speeches.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Chelle: I love spending time with her. It’s the best part of the relationship for me.
Layide: We are not always together, so those few moments we spend with each other are precious.
What have you learned from each other?
Layide: Patience.
Chelle: But I’m not a patient person.
Layide: I learned patience from having to be patient with you.
Chelle: LOL. She helps me not procrastinate. Whenever I decide to do something, she makes sure I commit to finishing it. She would ask me about it from time to time, and it keeps me in check. Adulting is hard, but I can deal with life better when she’s with me. She also taught me to smile more.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.
Chelle: 8.5. We haven’t gotten to where I want us to be in our relationship. I’d like to move out of Lagos and she has plans to leave Nigeria. We’re trying to see how things will work out in the long run.
Layide: 9. Our relationship is going to get better, and I don’t think I’d ever rate it a 10 because I want to leave room for more.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Found Love In A Hopeless Place
Nwando, 22, and Dave, 22, met in the strangest of places: a gutter. On today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about the sweetness of easy love, and the troubles of dating as young people.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Dave: The first thing I remember about this babe was that I met her in the gutter. Literally. I was passing and she was sitting in a dry gutter with my friend. He called my attention, introduced us, and then his attention was diverted by someone else, so I joined her in the gutter. And there we were, talking about the sky. The conversation tapered off and not long after, I stood up and left. We didn’t even exchange numbers.
Nwando: LMAO I hate how this gutter is a part of our story. But I guess we found love in a hopeless place. Anyway, my own version of the story is that we met through a mutual friend. I went visiting and Dave was around, so the friend set me up with him and left us alone. We talked about stress management, writing, stars, and some other random things I can’t remember. We talked about a whole lot, actually. In fact, we spoke about our parents too.
Dave: We did?
Nwando: How else did we know our dads were engineers? We revealed way more than just conventional strangers ought to. I should have known you had high kidnapping value at that time and cashed out.
Dave: And if I had known you would take me out of the streets, I would have renewed my vows to Lord Future on time.
LMAO. So what happened next?
Nwando: We started meeting regularly. I was taking a 400 naira bike to go visit him almost every evening. In those days, we saw ourselves as friends, nothing more. Besides, I was one year and seven months out of one yeye breakup like that.
So, with a love life rusty like zinc, I went to see man every night. Most of the time, we would talk or take walks, and afterwards, I would take a bike back home. It was fun, but let me not lie, it was the absolute ghetto.
Dave: Eheen, so you were out of a relationship for just a year and seven months? How come I didn’t know that?
Nwando: Abeg, abeg, abeg.
Were you the only one who did the visiting?
Nwando: See ehn. My friends thought I was ment. All the time, I was going to look for man. I was the Mohammed searching for a mountain. One day, the keke I was supposed to enter back to my place was robbed right in front of the one I finally entered.
After that day, I knew we had to find a balanced model for the visits.
Dave: To be honest, I knew it wasn’t fair to have her bear the major burden of the visits. We both liked each other, so mutually beneficial things like visiting had to be balanced.
Nwando: Hian. How did you know I liked you at that time, Oga?
Dave: Please dear. Would you spend that much money on transportation to visit someone for six days in a week? I knew you liked me, and I also knew you express things through your actions more, so I saw the signs clearly.
Nwando: Hard girl in the mud.
When did you both confess feelings?
Nwando: This is his favourite story, so I’ll let him tell it.
Dave: We were talking one day, I can’t quite remember what we were talking about, but I was in her presence and I felt this overpowering rush of emotions. The best way to say it was that I was head over heels. She was still talking, and I said something along the lines of “Hey, I want to tell you that I really like you.” Immediately after, I said, “Fuck it, I love you.” And she said she loved me too.
It was like my ears were hearing something else. It’s one thing for someone you like to like you back, but when you tell them you love them and they say the same, the game changes.
Did the game change for you both?
Dave: Not so much, to be honest. We were just satisfied to be loving each other. Even though we were on the same page in terms of how we felt, I didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend yet because she was working on a lot of stuff. I wanted her to have a clear head first.
So, one day we were talking after a “session” and we approached the relationship subject. We talked about our red flags, our dos and don’ts, and what we wanted in partners. It was a really lengthy conversation. We ended with the agreement that we’d take a week or two to think about it. Two weeks later, I asked if she would be my girlfriend, and the werey said, “I consent”. I was like, “Give me a meaningful answer abeg,” and she told me it meant “yes.”
Hold on one second, Nwando. What does the “session” in your answer mean, Dave?
Dave: A deliverance session. The kind that makes holy water feel like acid when they sprinkle it on you afterwards.
Ahan, mad oh. I thought you were still in the talking stage.
Nwando: My dear, it’s called testing the waters.
Dave: We were talking, but we were also walking the talk too.
LMAO, you both kill me.
Nwando: I’ll give it to this man. He’s very considerate. He did not pressure me with “when will you come and see me” or “let’s take it to the next level”. That period was really very tight for me, so even though we were friends and benefitting from each other in one way or the other, he didn’t rush me. Instead, he was in the background, cheering me and holding my hands through everything.
When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I just had to agree because he had shown to me an easy love, and he supported while I did something I always loved. At no point did he centre himself or his feelings.
What is this something you always loved?
Nwando: School politics. He was involved in his own school politics as well, but he never felt intimidated. He let me be myself while giving me full-time support.
How long have you been together?
Nwando: Two years plus.
Dave: Two years, one month, and two weeks, if my math is correct.
Have there been any fights?
Dave: Yes nau. We’ve had some fights, but never a physical fight. They usually stem from our different ways of handling issues. Nwando is a reactor; she reacts to things in the way she feels at that instant. For example, I could do something she did not like, and instead of addressing it directly, she simply reacts or does something she knows I would not like.
On the other hand, I’m the kind of person who would put aside the issue so I can explain what exactly I find annoying about it. So, when she reacts in a way I don’t like, I tell her, “Nwando, I don’t like what you did just now, and here’s why.” And then she gives the reason for her action, and this just leads into an open conversation.
Nwando: One thing I will give credit to him for is that he has never shouted at me in an argument. He’s big on negotiation, compromises and discussions, just like I am. We’ve had a few “I’m not talking to you” moments, but because this man likes me to a fault, he’ll come so we reason together and talk it out.
David: And some other times, she comes to me and I cannot keep up the hard guy act around her. Besides, after I saw you cry, I swore I would never do anything to hurt your feelings again.
Cry ke? What caused the tears?
Nwando: So, there’s this mutual friend of ours, a lady, and both of them had a thing before we met. One boring night during the lockdown period, the devil said to me, “Accuse him falsely. Tell him you heard that something happened between him and the babe and hear what he has to say.” I did as I was told.
Instead of this man to refute the claims so I could feel good and tell him I was just pulling his legs, he started apologizing. I’m not a jealous person, but when I heard that, I was moved to tears. I just sat there and thought, “Hei God. Is this how I have used my hands to do myself?”
Dave: Wait a minute. It was a false accusation?
Ah. Trouble.
Nwando: He cried and apologised too, and we sorted it. The next time — and this was a defining moment in our relationship — the devil said to me again, “Accuse him falsely.” And just like the first time, this man started apologising and saying it happened a long time ago but he didn’t bring it up because he was scared of making me cry. Me, cry for a man? Never again. There and then, I told him we had to talk. Nobody had a monopoly on moving mad.
I told him, “See what’s going to happen: we have to open this relationship. We are too young to be monogamous when there is nothing concrete binding us for now. In the future when we want to take it to another level, we will close it. But for now, let’s explore other people.”
Dave: I opposed the idea. I was not comfortable with the idea of her hooking up with someone else. But she told me I had to choose one. It’s either open on both ends or closed on both ends. In her words, “We are not going to close the door and open the windows. We either close everything or open everything.”
Have you made any new discoveries since you opened the relationship?
Nwando: Opening the relationship made us understand that what we have is beyond sex. We have good friendship, love, fraternity, and a bond that is really very strong.
Dave: And I have come to treasure this bond.
Aww. Is this where we begin the official wedding countdown?
Dave: I’m not big on marriages, but Nwando has set the standard for what I would want in a partner. I have told her I will cry on her wedding day if I am not her groom. I will cry small and then eat wedding rice.
Nwando: LMAO. We are taking the day one at a time. We have plans to marry, but we are not rushing. We are working on exploring our young adulthood, flexing life, creating our networks, building our careers and figuring out our different paths and all.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Nwando: 8. Nothing is perfect, not even with us. But he makes love easy and working towards perfection with him is realistic.
Dave: Honestly, I would give it an 8 too. I think the beauty of a relationship is in the mastery of each other. Enough for respect, love, compatibility and independence from each other to still thrive. I am happy with her, and I don’t think I could have asked for a better partner.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio : We Were Best Friends In Secondary School, Now We’re Married
Teslim*, 28, and Chibuzo*, 29 dated for four years and have been married for three. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from secondary school best friends to lovers, starting their tech careers together and how they struggled with long distances before marriage.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Chibuzo: My earliest memory of him was in secondary school. He joined our set in JSS 2, and we were seatmates. I didn’t really see him until an award ceremony our school organised. He was called up for a prize on stage, and I remember thinking, “This person is smart while I’m sitting here looking at him.” This was in 2004.
Teslim: My first memory is different. Our parents knew each other and one Sunday, we were invited to a function at her house.
Chibuzo: It was my uncle’s wedding.
Teslim: I came with my family and was in the car. When she saw me, she turned and ran in the opposite direction.
Chibuzo: Because I wasn’t dressed.
Teslim: I was shy myself, so it was funny to me. When we went back to school, I teased her about it and that’s how we started talking.
Chibuzo: He also teased me about the way I pronounce the word “purse” — he thought it was funny. We joked around a lot, and as time passed, we became closer. By SS 3, we were best friends.
Did you guys have feelings for each other by then?
Teslim: We were dating other people at the time. She was in a long term relationship that lasted almost six years, and I was also dating someone else. So there wasn’t any romantic vibe.
Chibuzo: We would have deep conversations about family, school, but a lot of it was just banter and lots of laughs at each other’s expense — mostly mine, LOL. Our connection was easy, so after high school, we stayed in touch.
Teslim: We graduated in 2009. She went to Canada for school, and I stayed back in Nigeria. We spoke to each other on and off until 2014 when we started dating.
Hollup, how did that happen?
Chibuzo: We used to chat on Facebook then we moved to BBM in 2011.
Teslim: We also sent each other a lot of emails. In the emails, we talked about school, family and stuff. I used to keep her updated on who I liked at the time and she would do the same.
Chibuzo: Phone calls were difficult because we were in different time zones, so we relied on emails. It got to a point that I looked forward to telling him about my day via email. As time passed, our energy grew romantic. In the Christmas of 2013, Teslim was going through some family stuff and we emailed through it. Slowly, we got closer and started telling each other “I love you”, but in a friendly way.
Teslim: The first time I told you I love you in a romantic way, you ended the call.
Chibuzo: No, I mistakenly dropped the phone and the call went off.
Teslim: Well, it felt like what happened in secondary school when I saw her in her house.
Chibuzo: LOL. We said “I love you” more often after that, but I wasn’t sure we were dating. We were exclusive, but we hadn’t made it official.
Teslim: I think at some point, we were at different stages of the friendship. I was about to move to the US for school and she was in Canada. In my head, I was wondering if a long-distance relationship with her would work.
Teslim: I wasn’t there yet. I didn’t understand how we were going to make it work because keeping in touch was already a hassle. Dating her meant I could lose my best friend if we didn’t work out.
Chibuzo: Meanwhile, I had told a few of my friends that I was going to marry my best friend.
Teslim: She was convinced we could make it work. I decided in January 2014 that I didn’t want to pass up on the opportunity to be with her because of distance. Besides, I was moving to the US, so the time difference was going to be better. We could visit each other as opposed to waiting for about two years to spend time together.
What happened next?
Chibuzo: I visited him in the US twice that year. I was grateful for the freedom to finally be with him in person. I was 22 at the time. We were happy to spend time together. You know how in movies on TV, couples go out on dates at fancy restaurants or a park and all that stuff. I had never experienced that before dating Teslim. 2014 was a good year for us.
Teslim: 2014 was our honeymoon year. We are both from strict homes, so it was truly a gift that we could see each other outside curfews and consistent calls from our parents. We travelled to New York together. We were over the moon.
Chibuzo: It was the year we confirmed that we were going to be with each other for a long time.We call it our confirmation year.
Teslim: Yeah, but as time went on, we realised that just because we were friends didn’t mean that we are aligned in every aspect of life. We struggled with communication for a while. We also had to figure out each other’s ideals and values and reconcile them. We had many fights and conversations because we started to see the differences in our personalities.
Chibuzo is a spontaneous person, and I am rigid. Whenever we were planning stuff together, we would often fight because we have different planning styles. Thankfully, being friends made it a bit easier to confront those hard conversations.
Chibuzo: We would often joke about the stuff we needed to talk about as opposed to blurting it out in anger. Our friendship helped us have difficult conversations.
Teslim: Also, conversations over the phone and conversations in person are different. In 2015, we were trying to tackle hard issues over the phone, and it was difficult because of the lack of nuance of body language or tone. I would say something and she wouldn’t get how I said it because a lot of nuance got lost over video calls.
Chibuzo: In our roughest patch, we argued almost every weekend. A lot of our fights came from the conversations we had about our future. It was crazy. I had just graduated and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. My parents were pressuring me to come back to Nigeria and do NYSC. Teslim told me that if I went back, our relationship would suffer.
I decided to stay and wait for a work permit.
Teslim: I was scared of what would happen to us if she went back. That Nigeria-Canada long distance was brutal, and I wasn’t about to put myself through it again. What would our conversations be like with not just distance but different time zones? I was determined to make it work.
How did you convince her to stay?
Teslim: I used part of my pocket-money to pay her rent. That was one way I would show her I was committed to us. We also had to decide as a unit what we wanted to do with our future. Chibuzo studied geology, and the oil industry wasn’t booming anymore so we weren’t sure of job prospects in that career path. During this time, I had just gotten a product design job, so I asked if she would like to study software engineering. I thought she had the mind for it. She was a bit hesitant, but I told her we’d do it together.
Chibuzo: That made learning it easier. In the beginning, we worked on a lot of stuff together as a team.
Teslim: It was also challenging because we have different working styles. I would try to hold her accountable to her learning with deadlines and some structure, but she was more like it will get done when it gets done. We even started fighting about it. But we figured it out.
So when did marriage come in?
Chibuzo: 2016. I was on track to becoming a permanent Canadian resident, and Teslim got a job at a big tech company. We had to talk about the next step.
Teslim: Before then, we had already hinted to each other that we were going to get married. We talked about what that would look like and how many kids we wanted. When we decided to get married, we started thinking of where we wanted to live. We decided that she would move to the US. We tried applying for jobs, and when that wasn’t happening fast enough, we thought, why not get married now?
Chibuzo: I knew I wanted to marry him, but I wasn’t in a hurry. However, getting married would speed up the immigration process and our relationship could stop being long-distance, so we decided to do it.
Tell me about the wedding!
Teslim: We were both the first people to get married in our families, so it was a big deal. We had to figure out how to set boundaries on the things that were important to us but also make them feel connected and part of the process. It was interesting because we were planning with our families over the phone.
Chibuzo: Left to us, we would have had a small wedding with a few family members and friends, but our families wanted a big wedding. We ended up doing both. We got married legally in Canada in 2018 then had a bigger wedding in Lagos.
Aw. What has marriage been like for you two?
Chibuzo: Being married to Teslim has been great so far! I have become a much better version of myself just from our partnership. He is a goal-oriented person and that has rubbed off on me. I see myself setting goals and smashing them. He has been consistent in how he shows up for me and for himself. This gives me the confidence to navigate the world knowing that he is there for me.
Teslim: I could say the same about her. We complement each other. I always want to make sure she gets the very best out of everything, and she makes it easy. When we disagree these days, we understand it’s not an opportunity to put one person down but to grow together as a unit. I wasn’t a good communicator before we started dating, but that changed. We are able to show up for each other every time, and that’s the best part of our relationship.
What was your biggest fight about and how did you navigate it?
Teslim: While we were setting our expectations for our marriage, one of the things we talked about was whether or not she would be keeping her last name. She wanted to keep it to maintain a sense of connection to her family. Family is important to her.
Chibuzo: Also, it is a huge part of my identity, and I didn’t want to give it up.
Teslim: I come from a traditional home, so it was a tough conversation to have initially, especially because we had agreed to the name change before the wedding and she changed her mind afterwards. It took a while for me to get to the point where I understood her perspective and how deeply coupled her name and identity are. I asked myself why I needed her to when I knew I wouldn’t change mine for anyone. When you also research the history and reasons why women change their names, it just didn’t align with the kind of values we wanted our marriage to uphold.
Deep down, the Nigerian man in me was slightly disappointed with her decision, but I got over it.
Chibuzo: At some point, he thought I was rejecting his family by not taking his last name. I asked if he was rejecting my family by not taking mine.
Teslim: One concern I had was what would we name our kids.
Chibuzo: We decided that their last name would be Teslim’s last name and their middle names would be my last name. We chose this in case we had a girl child who would want to keep her family name as well.
Nice. What have you learned from each other over the years?
Chibuzo: Teslim always follows through with what he says he will do, and that’s something I have learned from him. I had the tendency to be flaky and it’s something I am still working on.
In September 2020, I got diagnosed with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). My sister noticed that I was trying to do too many things at once and jokingly said, “Are you sure you don’t have ADHD?” I had heard about it, but after she said it, I went to do some research. Almost all the symptoms listed applied to me. I felt seen. Some days later, I went to see a doctor. The diagnosis explained a lot of my behaviours. For example, having the motivation to start something but not wanting to finish it and then I have to deal with the guilt.
Teslim also helps me be more organised. I am an impulsive person and that’s one way I complement him — I have added more spontaneity to his life, the same way he added more structure to mine. That way, we are able to cover each other’s blind spots.
Teslim: It is hard to quantify how much Chibuzo brings to my life. She is a joyful and kind person and that rubs off on me. My life is pretty stable in the sense that I don’t have peaks of joys and valleys of sadness, but she brings some color into my life. I love that our differing perspectives balance each other out. For example, Chibuzo will spend a little more money to improve our quality of life while I prefer to save every single penny. That balances out and leaves us in a healthy spot.
She is also one of the reasons why I was able to break into tech. We built my portfolio together — I would design the product and she would do the code. With time, I got my job, then we did the same for her. I don’t think I would have been able to advance as much as I have if she wasn’t in my life. It helped to have someone smarter than I am around me. She is amazing all round, to be honest.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 to 10.
Chibuzo: 9.5. I’m so happy with him. Yes, we have our differences, but we can always talk through them. I feel content with him and our relationship.
Teslim: I was going to say 5.
Chibuzo: 5? Open the door and walk out.
Teslim: LOL. It’s 9.5 for me. I’m happy with us and where we are. Maybe if you asked me when we were fighting, I might rate a 6. Right now, we are in a place where our goals are aligned and we trust each other.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Joshua, 30, and Opeyemi, 27, met each other in NYSC Camp in Taraba. On today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about battling addictions, speaking in tongues and learning each other’s love languages.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Joshua: I met Opeyemi during NYSC camp in Taraba. After I got notification of my posting, a friend of mine gave me the phone number of someone from her secondary school alumni group who had also been posted to Taraba. I arrived at camp late in the night and went to eat at mammy market. While I was eating, a guy and girl joined my table and were talking about what happened on their way to camp. From what I could make out from their conversation, a stranger had behaved rudely to them, but the girl was not bothered by the rudeness, because she believed the stranger could be going through something.
I was surprised that she had that much empathy for a stranger, and I wanted to know who this girl was. The eating area was poorly lit, so I could only make out the guy’s face, not the girl’s.
The next day, I decided to call the number my friend gave me. The voice seemed familiar, and she asked if we could meet at mammy market. Lo and behold, it was Opeyemi, and I realised it was the voice of the girl from the previous night.
Opeyemi: When we were eating that night, I noticed a guy in a hoodie sitting opposite us and thought, “Who is this mysterious guy?” The next day, I went to meet the Taraba corper my friend connected me to, and I discovered it was Joshua, the mysterious guy from the night before.
How did things progress from there?
Opeyemi: We became friends. We did everything together, went everywhere together. The more we saw of each other, the closer we became. On the parade ground, I would sneak into his line so we could gist together. Every social night, we sat next to each other, gisting.
At one point, people began to refer to us as a camp couple, and they said that the relationship would end after NYSC camp. I understand why they said that: the closeness was a lot. To them, it was a romantic relationship, but to us, it was simply a close-knit friendship.
Joshua: NYSC tried to separate this friendship sha. When we got our posting letters after camp ended, we were posted to different locations in Taraba, about six hours apart. I redeployed to Abuja, but she stayed in Jalingo.
Budding romance in the mud.
Opeyemi: I’ll be honest, when I met Joshua, I liked him and was attracted to him, but we couldn’t date because he was not a believer. During the course of our friendship though, he gave his life to Christ and became a believer, and we were on the same Bible plan. This made our friendship even tighter.
Joshua: At the time we met, I was addicted to a lot of things: cocaine, weed, porn. In camp, I didn’t know where to get cocaine or weed, and my phone spoilt too, so I could not access my porn stash. I was suffering withdrawal symptoms, but whenever I was with Opeyemi, I didn’t feel the urge. I enjoyed being with her and would often seek her out. Yes, I liked her, but I knew nothing could happen with us. She had her life together while mine was a big mess.
Talking to her revealed a lot about her relationship with God, her upbringing and how her faith shapes her outlook on things. For example, she is firmly against premarital sex. Back then, I didn’t subscribe to that, so even though we spoke a lot and were really close, we were two different people.
What changed?
Joshua: Spending time with her. I saw her life, and it was an indication of how wonderful mine could be too. I decided to give my life to Christ. I wanted the peace she had.
Opeyemi: He told me he was struggling with some things but didn’t go into details. After camp, he asked me to be his girlfriend, but I said no. Later, when he became a believer, he told me everything.
Joshua: It came as a shock to me, but I wasn’t saved then and was battling with a lot, so her refusal was really the right decision. After I got saved, I decided I wasn’t going to be in a relationship with anyone because I didn’t think anyone could love me and accept me the way Christ did.
One day, while praying, I got a vision of me and Ope starting a ministry. In that vision, we were married. But even though this vision had been shown to me and I felt something for her, I did not receive the leading to ask her out or tell her any of the things I was shown. But I was sure that we would end up together. So sure, that I informed my family and started a Pinterest board, all without even asking her out.
When did the official asking out happen?
Opeyemi: He tried again, and this time, I said yes. The first time he asked, I said no because he was not a believer. But beyond that, I was in a relationship. When he asked me out the second time, he was saved, and my previous relationship had hit the rocks. We had too many issues, and each time I prayed about it, I was left with a strong conviction to break things off with the guy.
After I ended things, I told Joshua I needed a month off talking to him so I could clear my head and focus instead of just hopping into another relationship. I also needed time to pray about it.
One day, we were chatting and he asked me if I spoke in tongues. I did not, so he said he would come visit me on my birthday to pray with me so I could begin speaking in tongues. I had read books, listened to sermons, and all, but I still could not speak in tongues. When he said that, I went to God and said, “If this guy is really my husband, when he comes visiting and we pray together, let me begin to speak in tongues. That’s the sign that I want.”
When he showed up, we went to the mountain together, took pictures and prayed together. During that prayer, I began to speak in tongues. That was the final convincing sign I needed, so I said yes to his proposal.
How long did it take you to move from friendship into a relationship?
Opeyemi: About nine months.
Joshua: And it took us a year and three months to move from a relationship into marriage. We got married the exact same month and day we met in camp.
Aww. How does it feel to be married?
Joshua: It has been very awesome. While we were dating, we tried to imagine what married life would look like and tried to set our expectations. But we’ve come to realise that we didn’t even scratch the surface of those expectations. I am grateful for the strong, premarital counselling we had. We have come to understand each other, grow in love and yes, the sex is amazing. I’m really glad we waited. Waiting helped us build what was needed for passionate sex to thrive: trust, communication and a strong irreversible publicly-proclaimed committment.
I’m glad to wake up next to Opeyemi every morning. It is a blessing to have that friend who knows me well and is in my corner. My personal person. Before we got married, I wanted to always be with her, and now that we are a couple, I am still eager to be with her. She’s like a satisfying spring of water. She refreshes me and I am content. Whenever I’m out, I’m always rushing home to be with her.
Opeyemi: I enjoy being married. There’s this glow that comes with marriage, especially when the marriage brings you peace. We were looking through our throwback photos a while back, and we could easily see how much change we’ve undergone. We look better and are better. I am particularly happy to be with Joshua everyday. It’s like living with my best friend. There’s something deeply satisfying and romantic about having someone I can talk to all the time, someone who loves me, cherishes me, someone I can cook for, someone who takes care of me. I always want to share all my experiences with him, even the most mundane experiences.
Sharing these bits of my life with him makes everything better, more interesting. Being married to him makes me think of marriage as an extension of a life-long friendship where you get to live with your best friend, have sex with them, enjoy an even deeper level of intimacy. There simply is no word to describe this bliss.
How long have you been married for?
Joshua: By November, we would have been married for three years.
Opeyemi: And we are blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
Aww. And how are you finding that?
Opeyemi: When we got married, we planned to wait for a year before having a baby. We were still trying to figure out what contraceptive worked for us and all when, about two months into the marriage, I discovered I was pregnant. I was devastated.
I wanted a baby at a later time. I was doing my masters in Jos then, and Joshua was in Abuja, and I didn’t want to have to travel with the burden of a child. I had also told all my friends that I would wait for one year, and so when it happened, I felt ashamed that my people would laugh at me for making mouth and doing the opposite.
Also, our finances weren’t where we wanted it to be. We didn’t have a car for instance There were many things that ought to be in place that weren’t, and this was a real source of concern for us. We prayed and God came through: everything we needed for a child came in its own time. One thing God told me was that it takes nine months to prepare for a child. In those nine months, we prepared ourselves, and by the time she came, we were ready. Now she’s here, we love her and have no regrets. She arrived just at the right time.
Joshua: Being parents has been a blessing. It’s stressful, but a blessing nonetheless. Children always want to end their own lives. Leave them alone one moment, and they are already exploring.
I have come to realise that a child needs balanced parenting, so I always make sure to do my part. I bathe her, feed her, dress her up. I make sure I am an active part of her life. Being parents with Ope has been a blessing. Our girl is a perfect blend of Ope and I, and I love her so much.
Opeyemi: Oh yes, it is stressful. There are times I want to sleep that I cannot, times we want to be alone but cannot because our daughter needs us. But if I had to choose between being parents and not being parents, I would choose being parents a hundred times over.
One thing I have learned is not to make her the centre of our marriage. Joshua and I try to make time for each other. One way we do this is by putting her to sleep early so that we can spend time together. We also ensure she takes a nap in the afternoon so we can get work done. Sometimes, we drop her off with family so we can spend time together, alone. In those times, we miss her.
In parenting, you don’t know if you are doing your best or not, you just do the best you can and hope it turns out well. That’s a lesson I keep learning everyday.
What do you love most about each other?
Joshua: Her bumbum.
Opeyemi: Eh God.
Joshua: LMAO I really love your butt though. Okay, let me be serious. I love how thoughtful she is. Last week, she had a cake class where she would leave home at 7 a.m. and return around 11, 12 p.m. Regardless of that, she made my favourite goat meat stew and it showed me just how much she had me in mind.
It’s beautiful to have somebody who thinks of you and thinks of ways to make life easier and more enjoyable for you.
Opeyemi: I love how committed Joshua is to loving me, and how intentional and committed he is to putting our family first. I love the little ways he expresses love to me: the random hugs, the kisses, the—
Joshua: Bumbum grabs.
Opeyemi: I didn’t say that, LMAO. I love how he’s a good father to our daughter, how he goes out of his way and constantly ensures he puts me first. He understands my love language: gifting, and he goes out of his way to make sure he speaks this language, even with the smallest gifts.
Do you ever fight?
Opeyemi: Before we got married, we had one fight. I went shopping and had extra cash left, so I spent it on clothes for both of us. He thought it could have been channelled into something else.
After that fight happened, we spoke about the misunderstanding and we had to find a system to turn misunderstandings like these into ways to further understand each other. We had to see things from each other’s perspectives and prioritise each other.
Joshua: During premarital counselling too, we had a session about creating systems for conflict resolutions. We are always determined to keep the peace and not fight. We recognise how each other might have felt during a misunderstanding and acknowledge the part we played in making that feeling happen. Instead of gaslighting, we validate each feeling, apologise and learn to do better so we don’t repeat the same mistakes.
Is there anything you would like to change about each other?
Opeyemi: I don’t like how Joshua drops his face cap anywhere he sees. I am tired of finding face caps everywhere. I want to see a change, please. Also, at first, he didn’t really take note of my love language. He didn’t buy me gifts during one of my birthdays and I didn’t like it, but I have seen progress in that regard. Right now, he’s actively planning my birthday.
Joshua: I’m changing jor. I would love Opeyemi to keep to time. It’s almost like time is a foreign concept to this woman. But I have come to understand that everything that delays her — makeup, dressing, etc. — is for the sole purpose of looking good, so who am I to stop God’s grace and beauty from shining?
Also, my primary love language is PDA and she didn’t buy into that at first. But we spoke about it, and now she’s changed and I’m grateful for that.
What’s the best thing about being married to each other?
Joshua: It would be the fact that I have someone who is actively invested in my progress. I had a difficult time last year, but she encouraged me to switch careers, and I got a lot of confidence from her. That decision and now, paying off immensely now. I like that she paid attention to me so much that she discovered something about me that I didn’t know about myself. That is the best thing.
Opeyemi: I think it would be having a best friend; someone who supports me in my business, roots for me, encourages me, cheers me on. He gives a voice to what I am feeling and properly articulates it even when I am unable to. When I am apart from him, life feels so boring and uninteresting.
How would you rate the relationship?
Opeyemi: 9. I know we have a great relationship. We are intentional about making our relationship better by having conversations, going on dates. We are going on a retreat next month, away from our daughter, so we can talk about things and build more intimacy.
Joshua: Yes, it’s a 9. We love each other and are content with our union, but there’s always room for improvement.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: I Ran Away From Home To Be With Her
Ella, 23, and Adaora, 21 have been dating for eleven months. Today on Love Life, they talk about navigating a relationship after Adaora ran away from home, learning how to set boundaries and their future plans for each other.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Adaora: My first memory was when we first met at her friend’s place. I came out of the car and saw her forming bad guy.
Ella: Mine was when I saw her on Instagram. I was just like, “This is my wife.” Her pictures were so pretty. That evening when my friend posted her picture, I followed her but was too shy to text her. This was July 2020.
She posted a funny meme, and I responded with an emoji. She did the same but I didn’t reply. I kept on checking her stories for something new until the next day when she posted something about zodiac signs. I sent her a message saying, “Try dating a Sagittarius,” and that’s how we started talking.
Adaora: We were talking a lot. She lived in Abuja and had a job in Lagos so she came around often. The plan was that the next time she was in Lagos, we would meet at her friend’s party.
What happened at the party?
Ella: I got her chocolates and wine. It was our first time seeing each other physically. The party was at my friend’s house, so we had a room to ourselves. We were so shy, we kept talking throughout the night.
Adaora: We saw each other again before she left for Abuja. Three times actually.
Ella: Yeah, at that point, it was nothing serious. She had just left a relationship and wasn’t looking to rush into anything new. Plus this was her first same-sex relationship. She needed some time to get into it.
Oh wow. What does that feel for you, Adaora?
Adaora: I have been with girls, but I have never let myself get emotionally attached to any girl before Ella. It’s a big step for me, but it wasn’t scary. I wanted to try it out and see what it felt like. I remember being heartbroken, and I told myself I was done being with men. I asked myself why I had never fallen in love with a girl even though I like girls. I think I must have unknowingly manifested this relationship.
Being with her is so different — it’s like connecting with a soul rather than a body. She understands me in a way I don’t think any man ever has. We can relate to each other. We bounce ideas off each other all the time. It’s a sweet relationship, to be honest.
Nice! So what happened between when you both met and when you started dating?
Adaora: I used to stay with my parents, and I had always planned to run away. Home was toxic for me and we talked about it. She had just gotten her own house in Abuja. She asked me to come to her house. This was in July 2020.
You ran away from home?
Adaora: Yes. My dad was physically abusive. It wasn’t healthy for me. I lied to him that I was graduating with a first class, but I had already dropped to a second class upper because I was scared of disappointing him. When I was about to graduate, I decided I wasn’t going to take any more abuse. I knew I had to leave. My mum wanted to leave him but that seemed like a long cruise, so I did what I had to do — I went to Ella’s house. At this point, we knew we liked each other and were on our way to a relationship.
Ella: I was surprised for a while when she came, though I already knew she was running away from home. I think her moving in with me is when we started dating.
Adaora: If we are being honest, we started dating from that first day we met. LOL. But during the first few weeks of living with her, it was awkward. She was a bit withdrawn. It felt like there were layers of her I hadn’t met.
As time passed, we got closer and I got to know her better. I don’t remember how long it was after I moved in when she asked me out on a date. She said, “Will you be my wife?”
Ella: At the beginning, we were trying to understand each other. There were a lot of things she wanted when she first got to my house. For example, she had issues with me for not being able to set boundaries.
Adaora: Oh yes. I felt like the people around her were taking advantage of her — her cousins, ex, and people she worked closely with. They were controlling and always wanted to take them without giving anything to her in return. She was oblivious to all of it. They would hurt her and she would say it’s cool. I had to sit her down and tell her, “Babe, you need to start setting boundaries. You need to stand up for yourself.” Because when she doesn’t set boundaries, the consequences end up hurting me as well. I am the kind of person that will tell you when I don’t like something. So far, things have been good.
What is the best part of the relationship?
Ella: I can’t choose, to be honest. I love everything and I know the best is yet to come.
Adaora: I love that we are both spiritual and can talk about anything. We are big on astrology. We talk often about how our thoughts are powerful and how we use our minds to manifest the kind of life we want.
What kind of life do you want?
Ella: Wewant to have businesses together. We want a queer country where queer people can be themselves. We want to have a family together too.
That’s sweet.
Adaora: Yeah. So we keep each other in check. When one person is down, the other person helps them out of it. We motivate each other to reach our goals.
I also like that we give each other space. We can be in the same room and still give each other space.
What was your biggest fight about and how did you navigate?
Ella: There was a time we actually fought and used our hands on each other.
Adaora: Babe, why are you saying it like this? We pushed each other. That’s about as physical as it got.
Ella: That’s what I mean. No matter what, we should never use our hands on each other. A lot was going on at that time. We were both broke and it was affecting us. I think we were supposed to go out together but couldn’t make it.
Adaora: You went out without me and came back late. I was angry.
Ella: Oh yes, and you had not eaten.
How did you resolve it?
Adaora: We talked about everything. Ella is big on resolving conflict.
Ella: I know I apologised a lot.
Adaora: Apart from apologising, you are also consistent. You are like, whether I like it or not, we will settle. I can’t remember how that particular fight ended…
Ella: Because fights that get physical are never happening again.
What is your favourite part of each other?
Adaora: Ella is so thoughtful — she is always getting me things I want. She’s so sweet even when I am being mean.
Ella: She knows how to take care of me. I don’t feel like she wants to use me. She really loves and cares about me.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10.
Ella: 7.
Adaora: 7?
Ella: Yes. We are still working on the relationship. We are not where we want to be yet. I feel like when I say she’s my wife, people think I’m joking. Until we get to that secure point where it’s official, we are not at my ideal yet.
Adaora: 11 for me because even though we are still working on it, just knowing that she’s my person is already a 10.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio:Marriage Teaches You To Fight Fair
Lanre, 30+, and Princess, 30+, have been married for six years. Months after their first child, Lanre encountered a mental health issue that lasted a year and tested their marriage. For today’s episode of Love Life, they discuss working through it as a couple and what six years of marriage has taught them.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Lanre: Princess and I met through a mutual friend in church.
Princess: We were in church, but this man couldn’t just calm down. He quickly asked for my BBM pin, and the next morning, he said we should play a game that sounded like truth or dare.
Lanre: I accept with my full chest. The first time I saw her, I really liked her persona. I wanted to know her better, but I was socially awkward and didn’t really know how to talk to people. I made up the game to get to know her. I called it the gbagaun game. Basically, you try to use really bad grammar, and the other person must be able to detect the errors. You get points for the worst grammar.
She wasn’t so enthusiastic about it, but I think she wanted to be nice, so she replied.
Princess: I thought he was weird though, so I friendzoned him.
Oh no! Not the friendzone.
Princess: The very first time I saw him, I thought he was worshipping intently, completely unconcerned about his environment or if people were looking at him. That was nice, but it made me mentally categorise him as a church bro.
And here’s my personal definition of a church bro: they are church brothers who behave like assistant Jesus. They are too serious, and all of the bible verses that they quote are never the ones that portray Jesus as a fun dude.
I wasn’t ready for that. My ideal guy was someone who is a baby boy but who also loves Jesus. A fine balance.
Lanre: And when I saw her for the first time, I thought she was a complete babe. Beauty? On point. Faith? On point too. These were the things that mattered to me then — someone who shared the same values, faith and beliefs I did.
Princess: LMAO. The spirikoko covered all the sweet boy potential you had, please. It took a while before I could see through it.
Aww.
Princess: Anyway, I grew up with five big brothers, so it wasn’t hard to add one more brother into the mix. I called him brother, he called me sister too.
Lanre: To be honest, I was not going to rush it. I was not in a hurry. From being disappointed with relationships in the past, I’d formed the opinion that no true relationship could survive without genuine friendship. And so when I found out I had been friendzoned, I was willing to wait. If nothing happened, I was comforted that we’d still have our friendship.
I ended up calling her Sister Princess, and she too referred to me as Brother Lanre.
Princess: I even tried hooking him up with a friend of mine — that I didn’t want to date him did not mean I couldn’t match him with other people. But that ship sank before it could sail. It led nowhere.
Welp. Was that why you removed him from the friendzone?
Princess: Being close friends with Lanre made me see him for who he really is. He wasn’t trying to impress me or anything because it was clear that I was not into him. He was just being Lanre around me, no performance or added effects. And this was what did it for me. I began to pay attention, and it was as though someone turned on a light bulb and illuminated a dark room. He was no longer the Brother Lanre, aka Assistant Jesus, that I knew. I saw, instead, that there were more things to him that I hadn’t noticed before.
Lanre: Aww, I’m shy.
Princess: Go away jor. That’s how you deceived me into thinking you were the shy one until we got married, and I realised that you are not an introvert! Ha, men!
LMAO. How long did it take for you to see him?
Princess: It took two years for me to see him. He was just being himself and I was being myself. In fact, he sometimes knew when guys were asking me out. I showed him I wasn’t so easy to impress. I will stress you out because I believe you can’t offer me anything that I don’t already have.
I come from a family that totally adores me and does not hesitate to shower me with financial love. What I was looking for in a romantic relationship was something extra, and our friendship gave me the opportunity to see that Lanre had that thing. Substance, integrity, dependability — these were important to me, and I wasn’t going to settle down with anyone who was all muscles and no brain.
The more I paid attention to Lanre, the clearer things became. I could see he treasured our conversations and what they were centred around. This guy is an idea powerhouse: he always has an answer when you come to him with a concern. I actually call him a living encyclopedia: very unassuming and yet a spec. My spec! During one of our conversations, it clicked that this man had the extra spice I was looking for. And so I gave him the green light.
Tell me a little about this “green light”.
Princess: I told him that it’s ok if he wants to ask me out now because I had started liking him. And so, after being friendzoned for two years plus, we began dating. Three months into the relationship, something else happened. He came to my house one day and said we should call it quits. I asked him why; he said family issues.
Lanre: LMAO. Those were the dark days, please. I went to visit her so I could tell her that our newfound love could not work out. My family didn’t think we should be together. Ethnicity issues, but also because she didn’t fit the image of the ideal “good girl”.
Princess: So the thing is, I am Igbo and he is Yoruba. Plus, I guess they were looking for someone who looks like an “omo Jesu”— one SU girl to fit him.
I don’t get…
Princess: Let me just be direct: I look like someone that will finish your money and not stay with you. I was blessed to have been surrounded by loving big brothers who sponsored my expensive lifestyle. I practically got whatever I wanted. And yes, even though I possess all the qualities of a “good girl” and have a close relationship with Jesus, it’s the “I’ll finish your money” look that everyone sees the most.
Lanre: LMAO. “Good girl” is making me laugh. Basically, she is very expressive with her fashion choices and creative with it. It was just cultural stereotypes.
Princess: I’m not even going to lie: the shock of the breakup was out of this world. No one had ever done me dirty like that. Anyway sha, we broke up, and he started dating his sister’s best friend. I wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship, so I chilled. We were still friends, but it was strained.
One evening, three months later, I received a text message from him. Something like, “You are the best woman for me, I have been thinking…”He was asking me to come back.
Ghen ghen.
Princess: This time, I was in beast mode. I said NO, I wasn’t going to date him anymore. Omo, this man started begging me.
I still liked him, but as a friend, so I told him to chill for about four months. I told him I was praying about it and would give him an answer whenever God provided it.
Lanre: Yes, this woman made sure I paid the second time.
Princess: One day, I asked him what changed. He told me that he was ready to fight anybody for what his heart wanted. It sounded cute, but I wanted to know if he meant those words. To show he did, he started intentionally trying to make us work. We clicked again, and I said yes.
Funny thing? His mum and I eventually became best friends.
Aww. How has married life been so far?
Princess: Married life has been a learning curve. We were married one minute, and the next minute we were pregnant. Dubai hotels do magic for newlyweds. And then four months after our first baby, a year and three months into the marriage, my husband had mental health challenges.
Lanre: It was a new experience. I lost many important relationships and acted very strangely. I resigned from my jobs at the time, mostly out of anger and deep sadness. What followed were very difficult times.
Princess: This changed us a lot. We were lodging in and out of hospitals like they were hotels. I am grateful he came out of it after about a year. These days, we are busy inspiring and lifting up each other with loving words and raising adorable little humans.
Six years in, and I can say I made the right choice. We still behave like newly-weds around each other.
Lanre: Married life has not been a perfect or an entirely smooth ride. Being friends and being truly in love has really helped us stick together. Our faith in Jesus is also an important pillar in our relationship. It really helps us to stay grounded during very difficult times.
I look forward to the rest of our lives.
What did you pick up from the mental health ordeal?
Princess: The mental health challenges taught us to talk through issues and not take on too many things at a time. My husband wanted to save the world, so he took on too many projects. Now, we don’t joke with our mental health. If I feel like crying about anything, I know I have a shoulder; he won’t judge me and neither will I judge him. Funny thing, I still called him and cried on the phone to him just this evening.
So yes, it’s taught me to listen and prioritize our marriage. Now, when I see people going through mental health challenges, I don’t trivialize it or say words that will make them sink lower. My husband’s experience taught me that mental health challenges are REAL and you need loving people around you to be able to pull through.
Lanre: What I learnt really is that it’s worth prioritizing family relationships. I now understand why people say “family over everything”. It was a dark and lonely period, and could have been worse without family. And yes, listening is so crucial.
What do you love most about each other?
Lanre: I love that she’s an amalgam. A splendid mix of all the top notch qualities. She can attend a presidential dinner and dazzle them, she can enter Ojuelegba and still rapport efficiently with agberos. She does everything so passionately and she’s also got such a beautiful mind. We share the same faith in Jesus. And she’s damn hot.
Princess: I like the fact that I can trust him. Lanre’s integrity is top notch. He is very unassuming but he is a great lover! And this is the most important: he is a very present and intentional parent to our babies.
Lest I forget too, he’s my very own tech bro.
How do you resolve issues when they come up?
Lanre: When issues come up, I leave her alone for a while and then either apologize or just try to be in the same room with her or in her face so that we have no choice but to talk.
Princess: I think a difference in perception is what causes issues. But mostly, we fight to put our marriage first. If he is taking a decision that might jeopardize the peace of our nuclear family, I am always quick to call his attention to it and he does the same to me. Thankfully we have learned to always put us as a unit first over anything.
In the early years, I was always quiet and withdrawn whenever we had issues. But it eats me up and I have come to realise that I don’t function well that way, so we talk about it. If it’s a very serious issue, we involve some of our friends whose godly counsel we trust. But these days, we just apologize to each other and explain clearly the angle we are coming from.
Six years in marriage teaches you how to fight fair, how to avoid saying words that will demean the other person in your anger. Most importantly, it teaches you not to fight each other but to fight whatever it is that is the issue, together.
Are there things you don’t like about each other?
Princess: He’s always looking for what to wear to an event on the day of the event and me I don’t like it because I always plan outfits days before I need to wear them.
Lanre: I think one thing I always want her to know is that I’ll never do or say anything with bad intentions. Sometimes it’s easy to assume that your spouse has said or done something specifically to harm you or put you down. We have spoken about this and I think she’s getting comfortable with that truth by the day.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Princess: On a scale of 1-10, I’d give the relationship an 8. It can be improved upon and we must always leave room for improvement. It’s not a perfect 10, but it is a very healthy 8.
Lanre: We are two imperfect people constantly learning how to love each other perfectly.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: This Relationship Has Made Me More Conscious Of My Privilege
Bisola*, 28, and Boye*, 29 have been dating for ten months. Today on Love Life, they talk about being an interabled couple in a long-distance relationship, navigating people’s intrusive curiosity and why they’re meant for each other.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Bisola: My earliest memory of him was in primary school. He was a year ahead of me.
Boye: I don’t remember her from primary school. My earliest memory is when we met on Twitter in 2020.
How?
Bisola: So Boye has always been a wheelchair user, and that’s why I remembered him. Sometime in May 2020, he posted a video showing how he navigates his life in a wheelchair. The video went viral, and that’s how I found him — there aren’t many wheelchair users with that name. I sent a DM, asking if he went to our primary school. He said yes, and we started talking.
What happened next?
Bisola: We kept chatting. It wasn’t anything serious — occasional hellos here and there. One day, he said he was more active on Whatsapp, so we exchanged numbers. We continued talking there.
Boye: Our conversations were random and interesting. I am a big fan of Game of Thrones, and she had read the books, so we talked about that. We also talked about societal and political issues. It was nothing serious.
When did things get serious?
Boye: Whenever we chatted, I was usually on and off — I am notoriously bad at texting. I get a lot of messages because I’m in so many WhatsApp groups. This means I have a lot of unread messages. After a while, Bisola and I didn’t speak for a bit. She sent me a message, but I didn’t reply to it for weeks. She sent another message and I apologised, but it happened again. She sent a message saying, “Clearly, the fastest way to chase you away is to stay in touch.” I apologised again, and this time, I pinned her chat on WhatsApp. This meant no matter what happened, I’d always see her chat. This happened mid-September last year; we’ve talked every day since then.
Bisola: Wait, let me add more clarity to this. He wasn’t responding on WhatsApp, but we were still talking intermittently on Twitter. So now and then, he would reply my tweets and I would reply his. On his birthday, I wished him a happy birthday on Twitter, and we started chatting. At some point, he asked why we were chatting there when we had each other’s numbers. That’s when he went to WhatsApp and saw that he had missed my messages.
Boye: And I pinned her chat.
Bisola: Yeah, so we kept talking. All this time, he wasn’t in Nigeria. He came to Nigeria in December last year, and we met for the first time since primary school. It was at his house. I brought him a gift — a bunch of random things he liked. We had talked so much so it didn’t feel like we were meeting for the first time. Also, I met his mum, his two brothers, his sister and her fiancé. There was no room for any awkwardness. We saw each other almost every day after that. He was in Nigeria for about three weeks, and just before he left, he popped the question.
Boye: It was kind of obvious to us that we were going to end up dating because we got along well. We were just waiting to see each other. When I came to Lagos, we spent almost every day together. I am quite traditional, so I asked straight, “Are you my girlfriend or are you not my girlfriend?” Let’s know. She said yes.
How has the relationship been so far?
Boye: It’s been great. I come to Lagos a lot, and she comes to London a lot as well. I think every month since January, we have spent time with each other for like a week or two.
It’s been fun. We debate a lot, but we don’t argue. We don’t fight. We have shared interests. We’re both intellectual people, and we talk about social issues a lot. Just general good vibes, you know.
Sounds cool. What’s life like as an interabled couple?
Bisola: It’s been eye-opening. People with various disabilities have to navigate a world that’s not optimised for them. I’m more conscious of my privilege — I don’t worry about a lot of things he has to consider.
I’m also always expecting a reaction from people when we are together. It may not necessarily be a negative reaction, but I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I told my friends about him, I made sure to tell them that he was a wheelchair user before they met him, just so nobody’s shocked and we can maintain normalcy.
My work in this relationship is understanding disability, recognising my privilege and doing what I can, if the opportunity arises, to help other people living with disabilities or less privileged.
Boye: For me, this is all I have ever known. I’m quite independent. I don’t rely on anybody for anything and I do everything myself. The thing that stresses my relationships most is what people think or say about them. People often ask how the relationship works – they ask very intrusive questions. It’s a normal relationship to me, but to everyone else, our relationship is something inspirational. The only difference between this relationship and others is people’s attitudes towards disability. This is what governs their predisposition to what they think relationships should look like.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Bisola: Boye is an amazing person and also an amazing boyfriend. He is very kind and thoughtful. I am really lazy — all I want to do is lie in bed all day and be babied. I love how he can do that for me. I love how comfortable I am having him do that for me because while I want to lay in bed, I am also fiercely independent. With him, it’s easy.
For the longest time, we kept waiting for the worst to happen because we couldn’t believe how good it was. You know how you get into a relationship and you have to do this and do that. That doesn’t happen here — we are just two people living their lives who have chosen to live it together.
Now I’m curious about how you navigated through your biggest fight?
Boye: We haven’t had a big fight yet. I am not an aggressive person, and I don’t see the point of a fight. I believe that everything in this life can be sorted out with a conversation — either somebody changes their opinion or we agree to disagree. We can’t achieve anything like that with a fight. I am a big advocate of never apologising for how you feel because how you feel is always valid and so far we haven’t had a fight.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Bisola: I can’t lie, he makes the meanest ayamase sauce.
Boye: It’s my food I used to steal her.
She is extremely honest. She never minces her words. What she says is what she means. I appreciate clarity and honesty.
Do you have future plans for each other?
Bisola: I don’t know about him, but I want to marry him.
Boye: LOL. We will marry eventually. We’re not particularly young, so it’s pretty straightforward where we are headed. It’s not a case of let’s see where it goes. We have dated other people, so we know what we don’t like.
Rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten and why.
Boye: 11. It is everything I have always wanted, in terms of peace of mind, happiness, loyalty and friendship. We get along quite well, and our families do as well. I never feel like I have to be anyone else with her — I can always be myself.
Bisola: 11. This relationship doesn’t feel like work. It doesn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary. It is normal living with a special person.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: 2go and Mathematics Brought Us Together
Segun, 32, and Damilola, 26, met on 2go. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving from friends to lovers, and how mathematics played an important role in helping them bond.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Damilola: It was during the days of 2go. Back then, there were chatrooms for university students. We happened to be in the same chatroom, and he mistakenly sent me airtime instead of his childhood friend — apparently, our numbers looked alike. I messaged him to say he sent airtime to the wrong person, and he said that meant I was the one who needed it. I insisted on returning it, but he said I shouldn’t bother.
Segun: Omo, e don tay small oh. I was serving my father’s land back then in 2012. In the evening after work, I would go online to chat on 2go. That day, I was in a Unliag chatroom when my friend requested for airtime, but the airtime found its way into Madam’s phone. I’ve never seen that level of witchcraft before. But let’s call it God’s doing sha.
LMAO. So what did God do next?
Segun: She called me immediately, requesting to return my airtime. I was like kilo sheleyi. God buttered your bread, instead of you to be happy, you are forming. Anyway, that was how we got talking. One thing that stood out for me was her voice: so cool and soft. But look at, she has now become a hoodlum. We thank God for her life sha.
Damilola: You and who is a hoodlum? LMAO. After the airtime error, we chatted once in a while. The most fascinating thing was that he was the only person I met on 2go that lived in my area, or within reach.
Were you in the university then?
Damilola: University bawo? I was still looking for admission oh. That was the time I was actively pursuing Unilag thinking they would give me admission. The ghetto. They rubbed me in the mud, my dear. When my dad saw how Unilag was treating his precious daughter, he suggested I give FUNAAB a try, because it’s in his hometown.
Segun: And I got my BSc from FUNAAB.
Ah, the dots are connecting.
Damilola: FUNAAB too did not give me admission. In fact, my phone was stolen when I went to write my post-UTME. So when Segun and I began chatting on 2go, a lot of our conversations was just me relaying my experience to an alumni of the school.
Segun: We eventually met after I finished service. That was several months after the airtime error brought us together.
So throughout this time, were you just chatting as friends, or did you already start on the topic of dating?
Damilola: Nah, we were chatting as friends.
Segun: Dating ke? No oh. I don’t do online dating. I always like to see who I want to go for. Besides sef, I never had any intentions of dating her.
Damilola: He was in Nasarawa then, so random chats and gisting were the only things we could have done. It was such a funny thing. We would ask each other questions like, “Hi, how are you doing?”; “How’s the weather over there?”; “Just checking on you”; “How’s service year going?”
Dating just didn’t cross my mind. At that time, I had a lot of friends I met online and I didn’t see anything wrong in having more.
Segun: I had just left a relationship then, so dating didn’t cross my mind too.
What was your first meeting like?
Damilola: We saw pictures of each other before we eventually met physically, and so I went there with an idea of what he looked like physically. On my way back from work, I decided to stop by his place.
Segun: When I saw her, I thought, “So this is the big head I have been talking to. Nice one.” A friend asked how we knew each other and I explained the airtime incident to him, and we all laughed about it.
Damilola: I completely understand where the question may have come from. We were of different status: he had just finished serving and I was seeking for admission — I wasn’t on his “level”.
Segun: But now you have become Mama, and you are now doing shakara. Wonders shall never end.
How did things go after that first meeting?
Damilola: We maintained our friendship.
Segun: Yes, we continued talking, but it was better than before.
So who was the first to catch feelings?
Segun: Catch feelings ke? When it’s not fever or cold. Anyway sha, as time went by, I began to like her. She was kind, smart, honest, God-fearing and passionate about people, and these things made me like her a lot more.
But I know she was the first to catch feelings sha, because when I asked her out, she didn’t even think about it twice before giving me a reply.
Damilola: Ah.
Segun: Amazing grace.
I’m screaming.
Damilola: Look at this big baby.
Segun: Ehn, but did I lie?
Damilola: He caught feelings first abeg. He saw babe that was wise and full upstairs and decided to shoot his shot. As a wise babe that I am, I said yes to a gentleman. I mean, who says no to a mathematician?
Wait, he’s a mathematician?
Damilola: See ehn, the most important thing for me was that he studied the course I dread the most.
Segun: See this scammer.
But when did the asking out happen?
Segun: It was a very long time after our first physical meeting. Several months, if not a year.
Damilola: It took a very long time. And when he did the asking out, he went straight to the point.
Segun: Omo, no time to waste. I’m not an art student, or I would have written poetry.
Damilola: Our meetings had become slightly frequent because he stayed with his parents who lived close by. And I was trying another school then, so he was very helpful with mathematics.
Segun: Abeg abeg, how many maths I sabi?
Damilola: Humble people, that’s how they talk.
How long have you been together?
Damilola: Five years, if I’m not mistaken. Omo,, let him calculate it.
Segun: You are correct na.
Is this the part where I ask you about marriage plans?
Damilola: Please oh. I have several goals I need to achieve, several plans that need to materialise before marriage.
Segun: Say the truth. You want to travel abroad.
Damilola: Ehn, that’s also part of it.
A strategic queen. Tell me, what do you love most about each other?
Segun: I love how Damilola cares for me. It’s a blessing to know that I am loved entirely by this person who sees me just as I am. I also love how brilliant she is. She is dedicated, hardworking, and committed to enjoying her life. She ticks all the boxes. I can’t think of any reason to love her less.
Damilola: I love his entirety. He’s always there for me, he’s dedicated to me, and that level of love and support is something I do not take for granted. And yes, he is good at mathematics.
Have you ever had any issues in the five years of your relationship?
Segun: Plenty oh. Let’s just thank God for God.
Damilola: I think they are majorly issues of miscommunication.
How do you solve them?
Damilola: I don’t have energy for wahala and he doesn’t too. So when issues happen, we just keep our distance for a while, and when everything is properly sorted, we come back again.
Segun: Let me not even lie, I am the one who does the distancing. It’s why I appreciate her perseverance and patience.
Also, I have come to understand that I am a poor communicator. I always feel like I don’t want to disturb her, while she is big on talking about things. Me, I get tired of talking easily, and since that is her specialty, disagreements are bound to come up.
Damilola: I honestly just talk about it when we see physically. That’s me for you.
Segun: Oh by the way, she can be stubborn at times, and when corrected, she doesn’t adhere to it. I don’t know if she does it intentionally or accidentally. But I don’t need to change her sha. She’s responsible for her choices, and I don’t want to come off as being controlling or possessive. I do my part by telling her what I have observed and leave her to reflect on the rest.
Interesting. How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Help Each Other Grow
Femi*, 26, and Yemisi*, 25, have been dating for two years. Today on Love Life, they talk about helping each other grow and be better people and how the lockdown helped them transition into a long distance relationship.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Yemisi: In November 2018, I asked people on my Twitter timeline what they wanted before the end of the year, and this person who thinks he’s a smooth operator said lunch with me. I said, “Cool, I can make that happen.” He slid into my DM and asked if he should go straight to the point or do small talk before asking me out to lunch. He was very formal — using big grammar. LOL. I said he could go straight to the point and we settled on a date, but he didn’t get back to me.
A few weeks later, he apologised. He said he was busy with work and we should reschedule. But I was away for a conference on the island. I wasn’t planning to leave the conference venue, so I told him we could plan something when I returned to the mainland. While I was still at the conference, I tweeted that I wanted cake. Femi messaged me to ask for my address and sent a cake. I actually got two cakes. One from Femi, one from someone else.
Femi: Whose was bigger and better?
Yemisi: Lmao. I’m not going to answer that.
What happened next?
Femi: We started chatting via Twitter DMs but we still didn’t go on that date. Her office organised a monthly event that I used to go for. At these events, she was always with other men, so it felt like she wasn’t interested.
A few months after we started talking, a mutual friend organised a dinner that we both went for, and after that, we became close. She slept in my house that night.
Yemisi: The dinner happened four months after he sent me the cake in November 2018. We actually met once in early 2019 before the dinner. It was a mani-pedi date, and I brought a friend along.
Femi: A male friend who is taller than me by far.
Yemisi: LOL. I didn’t think of the mani-pedi date as a real date.
After the dinner, things naturally fell into place. We had a movie marathon the day after the dinner because I tweeted I wanted to see a movie with someone and he slid into my DMs to indicate interest.
Femi: She claims she planned the whole thing. I can’t disagree.
Yemisi: LMAO. Then we started hanging out after work regularly. He would come to my office or I would go to his house. One of the things we bonded over was Game of Thrones and getting pedicures. We found out that we had a lot in common: Our parents are pastors in the same church, we come from the same place, and have similar beliefs. In May, he invited me to his church and I went. We spent more time together before he officially asked me out.
How has the relationship been so far?
Femi: Although we have fights and sometimes over the littlest of things, it’s been good. We spent a lot of time together during the lockdown. This meant we spent a lot of time in the kitchen together and that came with some bickering. We got to know each other deeply. For instance, I found out that she doesn’t know how to open mouthwash.
During that period, we skipped the regular boyfriend-girlfriend stage and entered the comfortable married couple stage.
What was your biggest fight about?
Yemisi: We were arguing about something on Twitter. I was coming from a moral perspective, and Femi was looking at it from a legal perspective. We were in the same house, in the same bedroom, but I didn’t talk to him for like two hours, I don’t remember how it ended. At the end of the day, we kind of agreed on the same point, but it took a while to get there.
Femi: My idea of our biggest fight is different. We used to take evening walks, and one time, we were supposed to go get food. At some point on the way, she stopped to tie her shoelace. I asked her to move away from the road so she could be safe. For the rest of the walk, she kept frowning. Even when we got home, she continued frowning and wanted to be by herself. I don’t know if she remembers this.
Yemisi: I do remember it — I didn’t like his tone. I think I’m responsible for like 70% of our fights. He calls me “Fighter” because I fight about everything.
So how do you resolve fights?
Yemisi: Whenever we fight, it’s always Femi that reaches out to me. He’ll make me come out of my shell by offering food or joking. After that, we’ll have a conversation about it. I’d feel bad because he is such a kind, thoughtful person, which is annoying. Then I would now apologise properly and admit where I went wrong and he’ll do the same.
One thing he’s taught me is that more than anything, love is a choice, and even in these fights, we keep loving and caring for each other.
Femi: My strategy is mumu button. At least that’s how I de-escalate the immediate tension so that we can have conversations about the problem. We can be fighting and pause to ask each other what we want to eat or joke about something else.
What’s the best part about the relationship?
Femi: Yemisi is my sugar mummy. She spoils me. I can’t say I want anything and that’s how it ends. She always finds a way to get it for me. From clothes to gadgets. Especially now that we are apart. She is so intentional about taking care of me and she motivates me to be better.
Yemisi: We help each other grow and become the best possible versions of ourselves. Since we started the relationship, we’ve both grown simultaneously. When we started talking, I got a new job, which was a big deal for me. Shortly after, he got a new job. We helped each other prepare for the interviews and gingered each other. There’s such a stong sense of “I believe in you” in this relationship. After I got a raise, he got a raise as well. I got a promotion, and he got promoted too. That’s how we do things over here. No one gets left behind.
Although Femi isn’t expressive, he’s very kind and thoughtful. Sometimes we fight about it because I’m like, why is he doing something for this person, but he’s taught me to be a better person to the people around me.
Also, he is my sugar daddy. When my computer was bad, he vexed and got me a new one. After I moved, he got tired of the shitty video conferencing app we were using and got me an IPhone so we could FaceTime.
So you help each other grow professionally, financially and emotionally?
Yemisi: Yup. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my salary has grown 10x since we started dating. When you’re with someone who is succeeding, you’re forced to put in your best and succeed too. Similarly, when you’re with a kind person, it rubs off on you. We’ve been deliberate about learning from each other.
Femi: What she said about growing professionally and financially.
And then emotionally too. I’m usually quiet, reserved and sometimes clueless. But she’s been intentional about helping me grow and she’s been patient about it too.
Do you have any future plans together?
Femi: She’s trying to get me out of Nigeria.
Yemisi: Yup. I recently moved out of Nigeria. We both knew from the start of our relationship that this would happen. At some point in the relationship, we knew that we wanted to end up together. Our siblings know each other. This year, I met his mum, and he’s met my parents online — my dad already calls him his son. We are on the road to getting married, but one of our biggest priorities is getting him to join me abroad.
What’s long-distance like for both of you?
Femi: It’s hard tbh. But definitely not the worst thing in the world. No physical touch is the hardest thing. And sometimes, unnecessary squabbles because the nuance is missing.
Yemisi: It’s not the worst thing or the best thing. I think we’re lucky because, during the lockdown, we lived together for about eight months. We got to know each other. I think that was a defining point in our relationship. I recently told him that if I had left Nigeria before the lockdown, we might not be together. Living together helped us know each other..
We both like physical touch, and sometimes I want it, but not having it is not the worst thing.
Overall, we’ve been able to hack how we spend time together. We talk everyday and send gifts to each other a lot. We have movie night often. Long distance is good for us, but it’s not the best situation.
Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10.
Femi: 8.632.
Yemisi: LOL. What?
Femi: It’s because of the long distance. Sometimes I want to knock your head or do things I can’t say here, but it’s not possible, so yeah.
Yemisi: 9. We have been dating for two years, and we have both grown in different ways. There’s no way you’d date him, and you wouldn’t grow or date me and you wouldn’t grow. Our growth is the best part for me.
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Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice.Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the relationship questions that have been bugging you, and Ozzy Etomi gives you the best relationship advice.The column is part of our brand new category, Ships, that tackles all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones.If you’d like to send in your questions, click here.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: It Was A Perfect Matchmaking
Olufunmi, 35, and Elizabeth, 29, have been in serious relationships that led to intense heartbreaks. And then a mutual friend decided to matchmake them. Today on Love Life, they discuss getting married less than 6 months after they met.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Olufunmi: It was a phone call. My older brother’s wife was the one who did the matchmaking. She said she had a friend she would like me to meet and gave me Elizabeth’s contact number.
Elizabeth: His older brother’s wife was my childhood friend. After she gave Olufunmi my number, he called me a few times and tried to initiate a conversation, but I wasn’t matching his energy. He would leave messages for me, and I would reply the next day. I didn’t mean to be that way; I was working at an Indian company and the workload was a lot, so I barely had time to keep up conversations.
Olufunmi: After calling and texting her a few times and not getting the kind of response I wanted, I decided to give it one last shot, and if I got the same lack of energy, I would let things go. Fortunately, she responded that day, and we spoke for a pretty long time. That was what changed the trajectory of the whole relationship.
Elizabeth: He thought I was playing hard to get. Me that I was collapsing under the weight of work. Anyway, I explained my situation to him and he understood. It was easier to keep up conversations after that. We began to ask questions about each other, just basic things that friends would want to know.
So when did the physical meeting take place?
Olufunmi: We met a day after her birthday. This was one month after we began texting. It was during COVID, and all the fun places were closed, so she came over to my place. When I saw her, my first thought was, “Wow, I have seen beauty before but this is a discovery.”
Elizabeth: LMAO. The meeting was okay. I came all the way from Ibadan to Lagos, and when I saw him, I thought, “Ahan, so this man is this handsome.” I won’t even lie, when his photos were shared with me, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Hayy God, who is this old man?” But immediately I saw him, that changed to “Omo, this is the kind of man I want.”
LMAO. Does this mean you both had a spec?
Olufunmi: I wasn’t really interested in specs. All I wanted was someone divinely given to me by God to soothe me and make my life’s journey easier. And since I had already committed it to God in prayer, I decided to go with the flow. Her coming into my life was a perfect arrival of the perfect person, and I was grateful to God. She was dark, tall and shapely in all the right places.
Elizabeth: Knowing Olufunmi through my childhood friend made everything easier. But even then, I think my idea of who I wanted as my spec was loosely constructed.
Why did the matchmaking happen though?
Olufunmi: I am AS and finding a lady with an AA genotype was becoming difficult. The few women I met had their own issues: they were either AS, of a different belief system, unserious, or even unfaithful. One of them shattered my heart seriously.
She’s Yoruba, from Ondo state and a church worker, and things were smooth between us until I found out that she accepted someone’s proposal on Instagram. I didn’t see the post. It was her friend who did and asked me if we were good. I didn’t know what was happening, so I said we were good. Then the friend said she didn’t think so and forwarded the post to me. When I called my babe to ask for confirmation, her response was, “Ehn, yes, you have seen it and you have seen it na niyen. That’s it.” And she ended the call. That was the last thing we talked about till date. She never called to apologise or anything. After that happened, I just mellowed down completely. Apparently, this mellowing down was taking too long and my sister-in-law decided to step in by introducing her friend to me.
Elizabeth: I’ve had several relationships that ended in hot tears. The last one was the most painful. I had introduced the guy to my parents and was confident that it would lead to marriage. But my guy said I was taking things too fast and cut ties with me. After I got my balance back, I told myself I wanted no relationship, let me just be on my own. And then one day, my friend whom I had not spoken to in a long time texted me to ask if I was in a relationship. At first, I thought, “What kind of question is this this early in the morning?” But I told her I wasn’t, and she said okay, no problem. Later, she informed me that she had a brother-in-law who was not in a relationship but who was a good person and that she wanted to connect us. Because it was her, I said to give the person my number.
Omo. That’s a lot. I’m so sorry.
Olufunmi: Before Elizabeth and I had our first date, I asked for confirmation about her genotype. I think she went to do another test to confirm the AA and then sent the result. I also insisted that we would not meet physically until we got a go-ahead from God, so she should pray and be sure she really wanted this. What I didn’t tell her was that I had already prayed — even my mum too. I had also consulted my pastor and all the answers were good. When I knew her birthday was coming, I used it as the perfect opportunity to meet her and give her my answers. I asked what gift she wanted, and she said she just wanted my response. I told her it was positive; we were good to go.
Elizabeth: See ehn, my friend told me he was a spirikoko who was highly invested in prayers and “spiritual protocols”, so I knew I had to match up. While I was praying for the confirmation, I informed my mother and my reverend and pastors. They wanted to know what he looked like and where he worked. My pastor’s wife collected his social media handle and checked him on Facebook. Later, when we met for bible study, she said the check was done and he was black and shine but that did not mean the prayers would not continue. It was a complete prayer circle and the answers were positive all through. By the time my birthday was approaching and he asked what I wanted, I told him to just give me the answer from his end. Apparently, this man already had his answer; he just wanted to stress me.
Olufunmi: I had to be on guard, please. Before you come and crush my freshly-mended heart.
Elizabeth: LMAO go jor.
So what came next after the confirmation?
Elizabeth: The family meeting. He came to Ibadan to see my people and I also went to see his people.
Olufunmi: There was no time to waste since I already knew what I wanted and wasn’t dating for fun, but for a relationship that would end in marriage. Her people were friendly and welcoming, and that was it for me.
Was there a fancy proposal?
Olufunmi: Yes, but it was indoors, during one of those times she came visiting.
Elizabeth: I have always wanted a surprise proposal with my friends there and all of that. But this spirikoko person, he likes his things coded. His own proposal happened during one of my visits to his place. I went to get something in the kitchen and when I came back, I saw something shiny placed on top of my phone. It turned out to be the ring. Next thing, he knelt down and asked if I would marry him.
Olufunmi: I can assure you I wasn’t trying to be spiritual. There was COVID and all the cool spots were closed. If they were not, we probably would have gone to a nice restaurant, and I would have done it in the way everyone perceives to be the right way now. At that period, that was the best I could do. I didn’t want them to come and arrest us for flouting COVID rules.
How has married life been?
Olufunmi: It’s been good. I don’t have to do things or think about most things by myself anymore. There is someone to share my life with, and she is sweet, caring, fragile and very understanding. I am still learning how to love her and how to be a husband. And even now, after six months of marriage, I don’t think I have scratched the surface yet.
Elizabeth: Marriage has been sweet, and sweet is an understatement. He has been the best husband, and he makes sure I don’t lack anything. He’s supportive too, and when I tell him I am not feeling good, he cooks and does things to make life comfortable for me. He is also prayerful, caring and very gentle.
Olufunmi: For me, the best part of it all is having the rest of mind that I married a good woman. When I think about us, what I feel is immense contentment. With her, I feel like I have everything and want nothing more.
Aww. Have there been moments when things did not go smoothly?
Elizabeth: There’s been a few misunderstandings. For example, he might accuse me of something I did not do, like placing something in the wrong place. This can be annoying, but after getting angry for a short while, we settle and let it go.
Olufunmi: When she was in her first trimester, she wasn’t really audible. She would say something, and I’d ask her to speak up like 3 or 4 times before I would pick up whatever she was saying. I got frustrated one day and stopped asking her to speak up. Also, I wasn’t comfortable collecting things from non-family members and we had a misunderstanding about that too because she didn’t like the idea. Our relationship wasn’t up to six months before we got married, and these misunderstandings help us know each other better..
How do you resolve these misunderstandings?
Olufunmi: We sit down to talk until things are completely ironed out. No misunderstanding passes two hours. Communication just does it for us. I have heard couples say sex solves things for them, but I don’t think this is a practical solution for us. I mean, your hearts are far apart, so how does the sex come in? But if it works for them, well…
Elizabeth: Me I am the kind of person who likes to iron things out the moment I notice that things are wrong. Even if he is not ready to talk, I press until he gives in. We either talk this thing through or we are not going anywhere.
What is one thing you would love to change about each other?
Olufunmi: LMAO. I have noticed that she farts a lot. But I think it’s the pregnancy, so I understand. In fact, I have started accepting it. She also wasn’t audible in the early months of the pregnancy, but I have become used to that too. She is carrying a nation or two or even three inside her, and I cannot even afford to be angry at whatever she does. I have also read about how ladies can be during pregnancy, and I think she is doing well.
Elizabeth: He is fond of accusing me wrongly. Last Sunday, I carried his bad after service. I had found the bag scattered and I arranged it as I could. He is meticulous, so I knew he would come back to rearrange it the way he liked. But he came and accused me of scattering his bag without even asking me what happened. I got angry and told him to stop doing that. I keep telling him I don’t like when he does that, and he says he will change.
Olufunmi: Ahan, it’s not in my attitude nau. Even if I would judge or say something, I would ask questions. That day I thought she was the one because she was sitting next to my bag and no one else had permission to check my stuff. It turned out to be my older brother.
Elizabeth: Though I am yet to see it 100%, I believe he will change. Here’s one thing I never want him to stop though: being caring. I want him to continue being caring. I have heard of guys who transfer their love and affection to the children after they are born, and I hope that he will not be like that. Olufunmi is caring. He would get home and say, “Babe I got something for you. Check my bag.” He understands me, loves me in the way that makes me feel valued and appreciated.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10?
Olufunmi: 8. I won’t say we are perfect because we can’t know ourselves completely. Maybe when we get to that point where I can read her mind and tell her exactly what she is going to say word for word like I do when I am watching a Nigerian movie, then I will give us a 10.
Elizabeth: For me, it’s 9. When we get to that point where we know each other completely, then it will be a 10.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We’re So Aligned, It’s Unbelievable
Ore, 28, and Lekan, 30, got engaged last year after dating for about a year. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting in church as teenagers, reconnecting as adults and how they got God’s confirmation that they are meant to be.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ore: In 2006, my family and I moved to Ikorodu. We joined a church there and that’s when I met Lekan. I was 14 at the time. He was 16. We were in the same drama group. I remember texting him all the time on my flip phone.
Lekan: I was already crushing on her. She was in secondary school, and I just finished. I remember I always wanted her to be at our drama meetings. There was a time her mum was taking her to school, and she wore her boarding house wear. I texted her something about her being beautiful. Later when she came back from school, she told me her mum saw the text. I thought I was in trouble, but nothing came out of that.
Ore: LOL! I don’t even remember that.
Lekan: I even asked her out then but she gave a clever response — that she wasn’t ready for a relationship — and I respected it. Shortly after, she and her family moved.
So how did you two become a thing?
Ore: After my family moved out of Ikorodu in 2010, Lekan and I lost contact. We found each other again in 2016 when I was doing my masters in the UK. I was in church one day and his face flashed in my head. I have this habit of checking in on people or praying for them when I think of them. That day, I was wondering why I thought of him, so I went to find him on Facebook. I did, then I messaged him and we chatted. We exchanged numbers afterwards.
He would always text to check up on me and make sure I was doing okay. I wanted to see him when I moved back to Nigeria, but I didn’t want to be the one to initiate it.
Why?
Ore: Back then, I felt like our conversations were too casual to try to push for anything more. I thought he wanted us to just be text buds, and I was okay with that.
Lekan: For me, I was wondering what she was thinking. I didn’t know if she was in a relationship or married. We kept in touch from when we reconnected in 2016 till 2019 when I finally decided to let her know my feelings. I told one of my female friends about her, and she advised me to tell her. Her birthday is in June, so I got her office address and sent her gifts. I wrote her a long message asking her out but my friend advised against sending it with the gifts. So I sent her the message two weeks later.
Ore: Before he sent that message, I had felt the need to pay more attention to him in my spirit. When he asked me out. It made sense, but I was sceptical about whether I wanted to date him or not. I liked him as a friend — I liked that he often checked up on me and I loved our conversations. I told him I was going to pray about it.
In the past, I have been in relationships where I would get a red flag from God after praying but would go ahead with the relationships. I didn’t want that to happen with Lekan. I was already in a place of prayer when he asked me out, so I just added it to the things I wanted to talk to God about. On the second day of my prayers, I got a sign but I didn’t trust it because it felt like the sign came because I was already thinking about dating Lekan. I prayed some more and this time, I asked God to give me a sign that this was the right thing to do. I asked for a confirmation from someone I looked up to spiritually.
Sometimes God can be funny because he sent my confirmation through my mum. At the time, I was working at Yaba, so my mum and I used to drive to work together. One day, on our way to work, I asked her if she remembered Lekan. She did and said she knew his mum from the church in Ikorodu. I told her what he said. My mum was surprised because she was praying about the man I would bring home as my husband, and she got an idea of what the man would look like. The description she gave me was exactly like Lekan. It was scarier when she said she had gotten the message a long time ago but didn’t want to share it with me so as to not pressure me.
I still didn’t tell him yes because I have felt more for the guys that I have dated in the past than I did for Lekan at that time. I was asking myself if I could hold the relationship without a little bit of obsession. As I deliberated this, I got another message to write down the things I wanted in a man. I was surprised when I listed 25 things because it wasn’t something I had thought about. I decided that I would date Lekan for a few weeks to see how he is. After a while, I just knew he was meant to be my husband.
Lekan: That lockdown period was great because we got to spend time together. It made it easy to love her. We got engaged last year. We are looking forward to getting married later this year. You know our relationship is long-distance…
Wait, when did that happen?
Ore: It has always been a long-distance relationship. I came back and he left the country. Imagine that?
Lekan: Honestly, it doesn’t even feel like long-distance because we talk a lot — a lot of video calls and texting.
Nice! Now I am curious about how the engagement happened.
Lekan: I was in Nigeria for the holidays.
Ore: I am still beefing him sef. He didn’t kneel down. I told him that he will do it again.
Lekan: LOL! It was a lot of pressure. I even watched YouTube videos to learn the best way to propose. On Christmas Day, I told Ore I wanted to go on a date. At the restaurant, I arranged with the waiters at the buffet to bring the ring at a specific time while one of my relatives would come with a camera to take pictures. When we got there, the restaurant was full, and I became shy. I asked for the ring back and told my relative not to bother. We were sitting when I told Ore I wanted to do something but I couldn’t kneel down.
Ore: I said, “Sure, no problem.” What made it better for me was the fact that he asked. I thought it was sweet.
What is the best part of the relationship?
Ore: We are so aligned, it’s unbelievable. I always tell him he is a better person than I am. I ask him a lot of questions and he always answers. He is a safe space for me.
Lekan: For me, it’s the fact that we are quite similar. I always feel like we were meant to be.
What was your biggest fight about?
Ore: We have disagreements. One time we had an issue, and he noticed I was upset about it. He kept apologising until I snapped and asked why he was still saying sorry. We resolved that issue, but later on, we learned about apology languages and I understood why I was upset that day. Repeat apologies don’t work for me — I want to know that the person is going to change their behaviour. Understanding that has helped us navigate difficult situations.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Lekan: I love how ambitious she is.
Ore: I love how selfless he is. I remember when I told him that Uber was eating all of my money, and he said he would send me transportation money monthly. He is always willing to help without expectations.
Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.
Ore: 10. He is someone my soul loves and I think what we have is beautiful.
Lekan: 9, because I don’t want everything to seem too perfect. I love being in a relationship where you can talk about anything and know that someone is listening to you. When we have disagreements, it’s easy to navigate because we can both see the actions that have been taken. We are both willing to change for the other person.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: It Was Love At First Talk
Akintunde, 35, and ‘Depeju, 26, knew they would marry each other after speaking on the phone for the first time.For today’s Love Life, they talk about fighting for the first few months of their relationship, how they got past that and what it feels like to become parents.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
‘Depeju: I met the big head through Facebook. He slid into the DMs on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, and then he added “Sweetheart” to his message. I thought he was a jobless 30+ married man that did not really have anything to do with his life, so I let the “Sweetheart” slide.
Akintunde: I actually used the “Sweetheart” to test the ground. I wanted to see if she would be offended by that or if she would be good-natured about it. She didn’t show offense, so I was encouraged to proceed with my agenda.
‘Depeju: Normally, I wouldn’t have replied to that DM. I don’t usually reply Facebook DMs. They’re always filled with “hello angle” and the likes. But when I went through his wall, I saw that he was reasonable and had intelligent pieces of writing, so I replied him with “Thank you Sir.”
All this because of a birthday notification…
Akintunde: I can’t recall if it was the birthday notification that brought her to my attention. I just know I ended up on her wall and saw an angelic babe.
‘Depeju: I’ll remind you: You sent me a friend request because you were sending friend requests to plenty girls at random.
LMAO.
‘Depeju: After the “Sir” reply, we got talking. I really can’t remember what got us talking but I know it’s something around the fact that he sucks at dancing. The conversation became frequent real quickly and we exchanged contacts, so he called me.
We spent more than one hour on the phone. During the course of the call, he said, “I’m AS. Find out your genotype because I’m not here to play.”
After the call, I knew that I wanted to marry him. I didn’t have to doubt. It was love at first talk.
Akintunde: Omo, I didn’t come to play. But I’ll be honest: you are also very interesting to talk to. You and your spri-spri English. Before we met, I dated someone I really liked but things went south. After I broke up with the babe, the people I dated or had flings with were either not my type or something just didn’t click. They were either so boring and just wanted “Love”, or just simply subpar. I’m big on having conversations, and I was looking for that person whom I’d be able to have conversations with about anything and they’d be able to hold their own.
So, that first phone call with ‘Depeju showed clearly that yeah, na this be the one for me! I clearly liked her already and there we were talking for about three hours during the first phone conversation, something my life lacked at that point. I didn’t need any further sign to know that this was the girl I wanted to marry. It was why I asked her to quickly get her genotype checked because I didn’t want to love up and then later realise that things would not work out.
Does this mean you both were single when you found each other?
‘Depeju: Funny enough, I just ended a relationship a few weeks before then.
Akintunde: And cut your hair. Say eeettt.
‘Depeju: I really don’t like you, this man. But yeah sha, it was a terrible breakup. He was someone I liked, but we both knew that the relationship couldn’t go anywhere because of religious differences. We eventually agreed to the breakup, but it was a bit tough on me emotionally. I cut my hair, ran out of Lagos, went on a tour with a friend of mine. Along the line I celebrated my birthday, and then, this annoying man’s message came in.
Akintunde: I had to break off with different ties I had then. A couple of them took a while because they needed soft landing. I just didn’t want to be brash and make someone go and hurt herself.
Wait, wait, wait. You had multiple ties? I thought…
‘Depeju: Ah, he had multiple ties oh. Flings ni repete.
Akintunde: Like I said earlier, I was really searching for where my soul would fit with…
‘Depeju: Oshey, soul search.
Akintunde: It was the search that brought me into her DM. It was the search that led to the phone call, and that phone call did it for me. But I had to pass through many places before landing my queen. Some of these ‘ties’ were in different stages of being, and it became expedient to go and remove myself from them all.
How did you tell your ties that you wanted to end things?
‘Depeju: Don’t come and form that you did it gently o.
Akintunde: To be honest, I wasn’t really talking with these people, so it wasn’t difficult to end things. I ghosted some and found a way to scatter things with others. I’m sure some of these people are still very mad at me, but they should not vex, please.
So did you start making wedding plans after the call?
Akintunde: What plans? Someone that I later blocked.
‘Depeju: You would think since we knew we were going to marry each other, it would be all lovey-dovey. But no. A few months later, when we started getting to know each other, I told myself, “Ahhh, this is a mistake o.” I knew I had entered one chance.
Ahan, what happened?
‘Depeju: We had so many differences, especially in terms of ideologies and our outlook about life. One major problem was our age difference. Akintunde thinks like he is in his 50s. And well, not to put the whole blame on him, I was childish about some issues too. One time, we had a fight and instead of talking it out with him, I subbed him on my status. You should have seen the way he erupted.
Started talking about, “Are you a child? You have an issue with me, you should talk to me directly.” He went on and on like a father scolding his child. It was then I knew I was in a relationship with my daddy.
Akintunde: I just feel if you have issues with me and you say I am the love of your life, come and tell me. Not throw a mini pity party.
‘Depeju: And another thing: I like evening outings, but for my 50+ man, as soon as it is 6 p.m., his own day outside is over.
Akintunde: You sef. Why do you want to start going to the cinema by 10 p.m.? Nigeria is dangerous, please.
‘Depeju: Oh, and once, we had a big fight one afternoon. That’s how my dude blocked me. He doesn’t like me to call him ‘dude’ by the way. We once had a fight about that too. He wanted to know why I would refer to him as ‘dude’.
Akintunde: Call me by my name when we are fighting. Call me baby in peacetime.
But really though, what was the blocking about?
‘Depeju: Honestly, I can’t remember all the details again. I just know he left me a long list of messages ranting about how he couldn’t take it anymore, how I’m not giving him peace.
Babe, do you still remember?
Akintunde: I think you subbed me on your status after a fight and wrote, “People change”. And I took it personally. Like, won’t this one stop subbing me on her status?
How long did the block last?
Akintunde: I think it was up to 4 days or so.
‘Depeju: After he blocked me, I reached out to a mutual friend of ours and told her we had ended things. The first thing she asked was, “Did you two end it formally?” I said no, that he left a long ass message for me and blocked me. She said I should call him to make things formal, so that one party would not assume that we are done while the other party thinks it’s just a break. I agreed to call him so I could end things officially. The moment I heard his voice, I started crying.
At first, he was forming. He said, “Ehn, it’s not as if I wanted to block you, it’s because I am tired of the way you’re behaving blah blah blah.” That day, we ended up talking for like 4 hours. After that, everything changed. We started making compromises, stopped fighting and started talking about things.
Akintunde: So, technically, the real romance began after “The Second Phone Call.”
How long were you together before you decided to make it official and forever?
Akintunde: 2 years.
‘Depeju: Oh, by the way, this man never popped the actual, “Will you be my girlfriend?” or “Will you marry me?” question. He just told me, “I want to date you and not just date you, I’m here for marriage.” And when it was time, he simply went to meet my mother with his family and decided on a wedding date in my absence. Man was a real 50+ man with enough ego to power Nigeria’s electricity. I’d ask him and he’d say, “Will I now kneel down and be asking will you marry me? Shebi we know we want to marry each other already?”
Akintunde: You won’t let this matter die a natural death. I have said I will propose during one of our anniversaries.
But if it counts for anything, I called her one New Year’s Day and said, “Let’s get married this year na.” At that point, I was completely convinced we had to get our asses married.
The second phone call played a large part in this. Like I said, that was the beginning of the real romance. And seeing as we both seemed very sure of each other and were doing this lovey-dovey thing very well and dealing with issues between us with more understanding and sense, there wasn’t really anything further to check.
‘Depeju: And me too, I was completely and irrevocably in love with him. So even though I already had my ideal proposal in mind, when he called me to say, “Let’s get married na,” I said, “Yeah, let’s do it.”
How has married life been?
‘Depeju: Omo. I have no words, because awesome does not even describe it properly. If there’s something more than awesome, that’s the word I’ll use.
Akintunde: It has been really really really good, to be very honest. Let’s not deny God’s goodness. I’ve enjoyed the different phases and moments, and day after day, I am glad I saw that picture of her and was bold enough to send her a DM.
‘Depeju: And I’m glad I didn’t air you because you looked jobless.
What’s the best part about being married to each other?
‘Depeju: Ah, on this, I could write an epistle o. Because there’s no single best part. From the way he’s intentional about loving me, to the awesome communication, funny moments and all. If I’m to really pick a single best part, then I think it’s the fact that I get to wake up every morning and see the love of my life beside me.
Akintunde: For me, it’s knowing I have this woman in my life. There’s this feeling like it’s a piece of something that found its place/niche. Think of a dovetail joint. Fitting so neatly and cleanly. Without fuss. And this makes every other thing we do or experience so beautiful.
‘Depeju: And yeah, he’s the writer in the family so he tends to describe things better than me. Show off oshi. But for real, I am grateful for the love Akintunde has brought into my life. It’s incomparable and beyond measure. And I am grateful for our child too. We are now parents.
Aww. Tell me about that.
Akintunde: I have come to realise that I’m the cool dad and she’s the mean mom.
‘Depeju: About this, AK said I’ve embraced motherhood more than ‘wifehood’. Also, I’m not mean, he’s just the happy-go-lucky dad. He wiill let that minion get away with murder if he can.
LMAO. How’s romance like with a child in it?
‘Depeju: We have been compromising. We are not allowing the baby to ruin our romantic life completely. After I had the baby, we’d take walks, drive somewhere and just park there and be with each other for hours. We also picked a day of the week to have to ourselves only.
It’s not as easy as it was before, but we’re taking it a day at a time and making deliberate efforts not to let go of our life for the baby. We had my mum with us for a month, and after that, we got a nanny.
Akintunde: A few months ago, we had this getaway planned. The baby with her nanny would go spend the weekend with my parents. Babe and I would get out of the house and go spend the weekend somewhere else. Have a good time. Go pick them up after two days.
First thing babe said after I told her we’d be taking the baby somewhere else away from us, “What will I now be doing?”
Ogbeni, you will be doing me!
I’m screaming. Tell me, what do you love the most about each other?
Akintunde: ‘Depeju is perfection. She has a way to make everything in your life be in their right or appropriate place.
‘Depeju: I love Akin’s kindness. I’ve always thought that my mum was the kindest person I knew until I met Akin. He’s always being kind and a blessing to everyone around him. There was a time he was supposed to send me money for something. But this was back when we used to have our fights, and we were in the middle of a fight. Obviously, we were not talking to each other, so I didn’t expect anything.
He sent this money and told me we’re still not talking but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t do what he’s supposed to do. When he did that, I made up my mind that even when we’re fighting, we can still be kind to each other.
How do you both resolve conflicts when they come up now?
‘Depeju: We talk.
Akintunde: Yes, we talk. We have this saying: “Conversation is our superpower”, and so, no matter what happens, we have decided we’ll always leave the door for conversations open.
‘Depeju: We can spend hours resolving little fights because we talk about everything and anything. We also make decisions together. If I tell you no, and you go behind me and ask him, the answer will still be no because there’s every probability that we’ve talked about it.
Akintunde: Also, we look out for each other. We see parenthood as a shared responsibility, and this has been really helpful to us as parents. That way, no part of the journey wears one or both of us out.
‘Depeju: To be honest, we have just started the parenting journey, so we can’t say we’ve made parenting work until the child turns out not to be a crackhead.
Akintunde: My child will not become a crackhead, please.
‘Depeju: No nau. Just a weirdo, like you.
Is there anything you’d love to change about each other?
‘Depeju: I wish Akintunde will arrange his things in a more orderly manner. One shoe might be in Kaduna, the other in Kano.
Akintunde: At least they are both “K”. Me, I wish ‘Depeju would have a less sharp mouth. Ah.
‘Depeju: LMAO. But I don’t insult people nau.
Akintunde: Not to their faces. It’s me that will hear everything.
‘Depeju: You’re not serious.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
‘Depeju: Omo! O ja scale.
Akintunde: It’s just how my madam has said it. This love is too big to measure on a scale.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Opening Our Relationship Was A Practical Decision
Paul*, 23, and Keside*, 32, have been dating for four years. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about meeting online, transitioning to a long-distance relationship and eventually deciding to open up their relationship.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Paul: We met on Grindr in 2017. I remember I was on a study break when I decided to check the app. I was in a sapiosexual phase, so I had said I was looking for intelligent people to be friends with. He responded to it, so we started talking. We kept chatting until I had to go to school. I couldn’t stop thinking about how smart he was.
Keside: I remember the day I collected his number. Not to sound judgemental or anything, but a lot of Nigerian gay men are only on Grindr for hookups. There is a lot of posturing and pretence and sometimes people don’t even show up for hookups. I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t exactly looking for hookups on Grindr — I was looking for some other kind of connection. So when we met, I wasn’t even trying to look at pictures of him. This sounds crazy, but I didn’t know what he looked like until the day before we met physically.
I thought he was someone I could have intelligent conversations with, so when I decided to uninstall Grindr, I asked him for his number. We moved to WhatsApp and kept texting. I was going through something deeply personal at the time. I didn’t tell a lot of people. My boyfriend at the time had done something silly so I broke up with him. I was talking to someone else while I was talking to Paul but that person was blowing hot and cold. I found Paul interesting so the day he asked that we meet, I agreed. I asked for his pictures and I know this is cliche, but it was love at first sight. After exchanging pictures, we agreed to meet the next day.
This is the part Paul may not know but as much as I was taken by him, I had also planned that our meeting would simply be a hookup. This is because he had not given me any indication that he wanted more.
Did you two hook up the next day?
Paul: We were supposed to meet at his house. He came to get me from the junction, and I was like, “WOW”. He has this regal elegance about him that I instantly fell in love with. I was blown away by his beauty. He told me that we were now going to his friend’s house instead. At his friend’s, we talked for hours. We talked about everything. Afterwards, we had tea. I often tease Keside that in his past life, he must have been an old white woman because of how much he loves tea.
Later, we had sex and it was great. When we finished, he asked me if I watched Scandal. He told me about the scene where the president tells Olivia Pope that he wants to give her Vermont, which signifies a nice, quiet place just for two of them. He said he wanted that for us. He had the most tender yet serious look on his face. I told him I was going to think about it. Actually, there was nothing to think about because he was everything I knew I wanted and even more.
We finished and went back to his house. When we got there, he introduced me to his siblings who are some of the nicest people I have ever met. He was working an evening shift at the time so he left for work. We rode in the same cab before going our separate ways. While I was still on my way home, I sent him a message, “I won’t lie, I want you.” That’s how we started dating.
How has the relationship been?
Paul: I will be honest and say it hasn’t been easy, but this doesn’t mean it hasn’t been good. I remember when we just started dating and I wanted to see him every day, but I had my overbearing parents to deal with. We have come a long way. One of our biggest priorities is communication. We always try to talk about everything. There are times when communication isn’t good, but when we resolve it, I feel even more committed to him.
Although, we are now in an open relationship and sometimes that feels weird. I am still getting used to having sex with other men. Sometimes, I feel weird touching them. I have had an instance where I didn’t want to talk to the other person afterwards. I know it’s not fair but that’s how I felt.
I try to reserve certain things for him though. For example, I try not to have emotional ties with anyone else. With him, there’s a kind of ease I feel that I don’t feel with anyone else.
Keside: I agree with most of what he said. Coming to the decision to open the relationship was a practical one but it was also hard. It felt unfair and disingenuous to ask two adults who had a healthy sex life to stop having sex because of distance. Initially, we had agreed to not talk about other people we have sex with because it would hurt too much, but it hasn’t happened that way. Paul often tells me when he has hooked up with someone else and urges me to hook up with other men. When I had a threesome while I was away, he was the first person I told about it. It’s not the best arrangement for us but it’s what’s readily available. I have had sex with a number of people so far, but I haven’t formed any emotional attachment towards any of them. Sometimes, when I am with someone else, I could be thinking about him, which I feel is unfair.
Wait, why did you open the relationship?
Paul: So after we started dating, I spent a lot of time at his apartment. In fact, I was practically living with him for about four months before he had to travel for a professional exam in October. Shortly after he returned, he got confirmation that he had passed the exams and had to move out of Nigeria. The period before he left was really hard on me. He left in March 2019. We didn’t open the relationship until July, after a conversation we had about our sex life now that we were apart.
What was that conversation like?
Keside: It was hard for me, to be honest, but I knew it was the right thing to do. While I was still in Nigeria, there were times that we wouldn’t be able to have sex for some reason and Paul would get a bit cranky, so I knew it was unfair to ask him to wait for me. I remember that evening, I found it difficult to tell him, “I think we should have an open relationship.” He agreed with me, and we had a conversation about what our relationship would look like going forward. We decided not to share sexual experiences with other people but because of how much we share with each other, it was hard not to. I am happy with where we are now.
What’s your favourite part of the relationship?
Keside: Have you seen this man? He is sexy and gorgeous. There is this thing he does with his eyes and fiam, my pants are off. But my favourite part is that he brings me peace.
Paul: I love how much he tries to make me feel comfortable. There’s a considerable age gap between us, but he never makes me feel like I am younger than him. He is more experienced than me, and it always comes in handy when I need advice (even though I have a tendency to do what I want anyway). I also love how honest he is with me. He is very committed to me and intentional about being with me.
What’s been the biggest fight?
Paul: I don’t think we fight. We have disagreements when we have intense conversations, but we usually come out of it with some realisation about ourselves and how we can make the relationship better.
Keside: I know him and love him and I can forgive him, but I don’t think the people reading this would be as understanding, and so I’d rather not share. We generally like to keep things civil so we can make progress.
Do you have future plans together?
Paul: We want to live together and the plan is for me to join him after I am done with all the things I have to handle here. Within a year, this should be possible.
Keside; My problem is this one is editing the truth. I have asked him to marry me at least twice. He said, “Yes, but he needs to get through school.”
What about family?
Keside: My siblings know him and know we are together. My sister-in-law is actually quite fond of him and often asks after him.
He’s met my mom once, but she doesn’t know that we are together.
Paul: He hasn’t met my folks yet, but my siblings know about him. My sister once said, “He is good for you.”
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10
Paul: 10. It’s easily the best relationship I’ve ever been in. There is room for us to keep growing together
Keside: It’s a 10 for me too. Because of how successful this relationship has been, we are thinking of opening other branches, Abuja and London because why not? LMAO.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: He Ghosted Me For three Months
*Godwin, 20, and *Tope, 19, dated for three months after which Godwin ghosted Tope for three months. Today on Love Life, they talk about what went wrong in the relationship and what they could have done better.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Godwin: I met Tope last year, during the lockdown. I rarely use Facebook, but because of the pandemic and boredom, I got on it. There was a post where someone was asking people to comment with their Twitter handles. Tope was the one who posted it. I followed her, and she followed back, and that’s how our conversation began. From there, we exchanged WhatsApp numbers and took the chats online.
Tope: I asked him how he got his followers. I don’t use Twitter frequently, and so to see someone excel at it was quite fascinating.
What was your first impression of each other?
Godwin: To be honest, I have a thing for dark-skinned girls, and fuck— sorry for the f-word— she had the complexion. I just couldn’t resist. I didn’t let her know my impression though. I stayed lowkey. Until we began talking.
Tope: You used the f-word.
Godwin: I apologised.
Tope: I can’t really remember my first impression of Godwin, but when we started chatting he was cool and sounded like he was going to be smart. Also yes, he was my spec. To be honest, if he wasn’t, we wouldn’t even talk.
So, when you both connected online, what did you talk about?
Tope: We talked about a lot of things. One of them was that he wanted me to come to his school, but I couldn’t. I’m in Ghana and he’s in Nigeria. The trip wasn’t very feasible, especially with the lockdown. We also spoke about his exes — it was part of our many conversation threads; we spoke about anything that caught our fancy.
Godwin: We talked about lockdown experiences: how it was going in Nigeria versus Ghana. We talked about school life too. And the talk about my ex: you know that moment when you’re chatting with someone and they begin to ask you questions like, “So how’s your boo/babe?”
That was what prompted the talk. Our conversation was already becoming interesting and I told her about my past relationships and exes. I also told her I was done with love, but I guess she pitied me and gave me some sort of assurance about finding love. Even when the chats stopped being intense, it was this assurance that brought me back to her. This plus the fact that she’s my spec.
The chats stopped being intense?
Tope: Yes. We moved to WhatsApp and the conversation died. But then one day he responded to my WhatsApp status.
Godwin: Lockdown was getting lonely and I kept seeing her status updates even though we weren’t talking as much. One day, I replied to a status update that she posted, and we picked up our conversation again.
Tope: And then, a few weeks after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Oh?
Godwin: Her WhatsApp updates have a large part to play in this. Yes, she’s my spec and our conversations had stopped for a while, but seeing the updates again, the desire came afresh and I just did it.
Tope: I cleared him straight up. I told him I wanted something that would last long, a relationship that I saw a future in.
Interesting. What was your reaction to this, Godwin?
Godwin: I understood what she meant, so I assured her of my love in what little way I could. But despite all I said, she was bent on a long-term relationship.
I had never been in a long-term relationship before, but because she wanted one and she sounded convincing, I was willing to give it a try.
You’re in Nigeria and she’s in Ghana. How did you plan to make it work?
Tope: We thought we could, but the distance was a major issue.
Godwin: She was supposed to come to Lagos after the lockdown, but the government didn’t do things the way we expected.
Tope: We weren’t allowed to fly or travel by road. When they finally opened the Nigerian border, Ghana’s border was still closed. We were hoping we could see each other by the end of the year, but because it took too long for the lockdown to be lifted, it never happened.
And how did this affect your love life?
Godwin: We were feeling each other for the first few weeks, but things soon got a little bit tedious. She was attention-demanding, and because it was a lockdown, I understood how she must have felt and I tried to give her the attention to an extent. But we soon had minor fights that became quarrels.
Tope: He was always busy, and because it was a lockdown, I understood. But he wouldn’t pick my calls sometimes and he wouldn’t call back too. And then later, I’d see him post pictures on his status while my messages were still unread.
So how did you resolve this?
Godwin: I ghosted her.
Come again?
Godwin: Look, I don’t like facing quarrels or confrontation. Everyone I have dated knows this. So when I sense that something is coming up which would lead to a dispute, I suddenly ghost the person for a few days as a means to run away from the fight. I’m a very chilled and calm person. I hate stress.
With Tope, I didn’t really want to ghost, but Tope was so blunt.
Tope: Tope is still very blunt.
Godwin: I can’t remember her last insult to me, but that was it. I ghosted her for three months.
How old was the relationship by then?
Tope: Three months, but frankly, I wasn’t feeling his vibe anymore. I wasn’t as interested in him as I was in the beginning, and there was also the fact that we hadn’t seen each other. Plus, he was always talking about going to visit one girl or the other.
Godwin: It was a guy.
Tope: No, it was a girl. I saw the pictures you posted.
Godwin: But each time I told you I was going to visit a girl, it was actually a guy I was going to see.
Wait. So you went to see a guy but you told her it was a girl?
Tope: Please ask him.
Godwin: I lied to make her jealous. She was constantly seeking attention and we were already having one of our fights then. It was just once or twice, and at the end, I’d tell her what I did. But the picture she’s talking about, I went to see my best friend, a guy, and we went together to see a lady.
I think Tope takes things too personally and too seriously. The lockdown was a lot on everyone, but sometimes, it felt like she was taking out the frustration on me. So one day, I told her that she complains a lot and maybe she should try praying that the lockdown would be lifted. The next thing I got was an insult. This was why I ghosted her. I’d already reached my limit.
How were the three months of the relationship?
Tope: Stressful. Yes, it was nice at the beginning — it’s always nice at the beginning.
Godwin: For me, it was beautiful. All the things I experienced, I consider as the normal things that happen in a relationship, so I used them as an opportunity to work on myself.
How did the relationship end?
Tope: We just stopped talking.
Godwin: I ghosted her. We dated for three months and I ghosted her for another three months after which I reached out to apologise.
Why did you feel the need to do that?
Godwin: I do it to people I ghost. The main reason why I ghost is to avoid confrontation or insults. When I feel like the dust has settled, I return and apologise for ghosting.
I reached out to Tope because I still wanted her around, if not as a lover, but as a friend. I still miss her. When we got back to talking after I reached out to her, I told her I wished we were back together, but she said I was not someone who seemed serious.
What do you love most about each other?
Tope: I love how Godwin doesn’t argue. He keeps a calm head, no matter the situation.
Godwin: I love Tope because I think she’s wife material.
Tope: What the — ? Clearly you have jonzed.
What do you mean, “wife material”?
Godwin: She knows what she wants, and puts God first, and I love her for that. She’s also very encouraging, and she prays for me. I’m not a religious person — I’m a bad guy — but frankly, I don’t think there’s anything better for a man than a praying woman.
Yeah, she’s blunt. But I fuck with that too, at least to an extent.
What would you say you’ve learned from the relationship?
Godwin: Patience. Dating Tope taught me to see things from other people’s point of view. It also helped me value communication more. I also don’t think I’ll ghost anyone ever again.
Tope: Patience for me too. Dating Godwin taught me to be calm in situations. While we were together, I wasn’t exactly patient. If anything went wrong, I used to take it to the next level. But it wasn’t really worth it because that was one of the things that destroyed our relationship.
Now, I have learned not to lose my cool.
Do you think there’s a chance of you both getting back together?
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Talking About Our Breakup Helped Us Find Closure
Abeni*, 22, and Ifunanya*, 26, met on Twitter and dated for six months. Today on Love Life, they talk about their relationship and why it ended abruptly even though it was the best one they had both been in.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ifunanya: One day, I was scrolling on Twitter and Abeni posted a screenshot of her Instagram page. She said she was rebranding and we should follow her there. Before then, I didn’t know how I followed her on Twitter. I went to her Instagram and followed her there as well.
Abeni: I saw a picture of her on Twitter and was like, “Who is this person with this bold energy?” Her picture was giving me life. I think that’s how I followed her on Twitter.
How did you two go from being followers to friends?
Abeni: It was during the lockdown.I tweeted about yoga and she sent a message that she would like to try it. We decided to do a session together. That night, we got on a FaceTime call. It was supposed to be about yoga, but we ended talking about everything else. That long call became something we did every other day.
Ifunanya: She’s lying. It was every other hour. We were always talking to each other. I had three crazy jobs at the time, but I still made time to talk to her. At some point, we both knew that we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. On my end, I was asking myself if I was ready to date again. My last relationship had ended so badly I didn’t want to rush into another. I took some time to process my feelings and one day, as soon as I woke up, I texted her, “I am ready”. She didn’t get it. I had to remind her while we were on the phone that I said I was ready. That’s when she realised and we became official.
What was dating like?
Abeni: Before we became official, we were already in a serious relationship in my head. But soon after, distance started to tell on us.
Ifunanya: It was hard. Some days, I would want to talk to my person, but the network would be so bad we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation. We tried regular phone calls, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her face. One time, she fell sick and I was scared it was COVID-19. Communication during that period was hard because she was too tired to call, and I couldn’t travel to see her. I was crying all the time. Another time, I broke down because I was overwhelmed at work and she wasn’t able to comfort me how I would have liked because she lived in a different city.
Abeni: I think the lack of physical intimacy and consistent communication sort of made our emotional bond stronger for me. After the travel ban was lifted, she visited me twice before we broke up.
Why did you two break up?
Abeni: It started with the level of communication on my part. Being in a relationship as intense as what we had was new for me. I felt like I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I always wanted to make her happy. Looking back, I realise that I should have shared what I wanted as well. Instead of communicating what I needed, I would tell myself what I was receiving was okay. For example, I was uncomfortable about how much she talked about her ex. I felt like there were some things about the relationship I needed to know, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know everything. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t like it. It was as if we were living in different worlds. One day, she called me out on my lack of communication and that’s how the relationship ended.
How so?
Ifunanya: Honestly, I didn’t know she was not telling me certain things until the second time I went to see her. She was acting strange. I could tell she wasn’t saying something to me. When I returned home, I asked her what was going on and she reassured me that nothing was wrong. I remember texting my friend about it and she said, “Things can’t be smooth all the time.” I agreed, but in my head, I just knew we were over.
I got tired of waiting for her to say something other than “I’m fine”, and I called her. I explained how her behaviour in the past week had been affecting me and asked her to please tell me what was wrong. She apologised for not being able to communicate better, then said she had grown tired of the relationship and didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I understood being tired, but I didn’t understand why. I tried to talk more about it, but she wasn’t saying much. That period was frustrating for me.
After three months post-breakup, we talked about it. We didn’t blame each other for our breakup. That conversation made us realise that we both did things along the way that led to our end. We understood that both of us were just trying to represent ourselves. She wanted to be heard as much as I wanted to be heard.
Abeni: That conversation was a breakthrough for us. I was in a good place, and so I was able to take responsibility for my actions. Initially, I was defensive. The conversation made me feel lighter.
Ifunanya: Same. I felt like it was the first time you really talked to me. I had so much anger towards the breakup, but after that conversation, I was able to let it go. I knew she wouldn’t deliberately hurt me, but at some point, she had to choose herself and that meant hurting me. I just needed her to tell me that. I remember feeling like I was floating for the rest of the day. It was a good place compared to all the pain I had in my heart before.
What’s the relationship between you two like now?
Abeni: Last time we had this conversation, we decided we weren’t friends, but we are getting there. Sometimes we are fine having a conversation, but then I see her tweets about her being sexual with other people and I feel a rush of emotions. Ifunanya is someone I carry in my soul. I know she’ll be there, and we can work out a friendship or something in the future. But I love where we are right now.
Ifunanya: I still can’t follow her on social media. It’s just too much.
Abeni: LOL. Ifunanya is quite risqué on social media. Funny enough, we send each other funny tweets or Instagram pictures, but I think we will follow each other when we are ready.
What was the best part about your relationship?
Abeni: I had never felt love like that before. There were no doubts. It was all softness. Sometimes it felt like it was too good to be true. It was intense yet sweet. I learned a lot about myself being with Ifunanya. She always hyped me and made me feel great. My feelings were validated. She was like my twin, but one I was attracted to. LMAO.
Ifunanya: LMAO. I actually get it. Our synergy as a team was great. We both work in the creative sector. Both of us understood what creating good content takes. While we were together, we both had shitty jobs that took a lot of our time, but we helped each other with it. She would research ideas for my strategy plans. Whenever we created content calendars for the brands we worked for, we would share them with each other so we could recycle the content. I would edit her emails and anything else she wrote. The best part was that when we were physically together, nobody was hounding anybody for staying too long on their phone. We both understood and respected each other’s work.
What was your favourite thing about each other?
Ifunanya: I love the gap between her front teeth. I hate mine, but I think hers is sexy. I love her face too. She’s a gorgeous person. Abeni, you are a spec.
Abeni: Thank you. I think everything about your physical appearance is beautiful. Apart from that, there’s a way she carries the people she loves, and I love that about her. I also admire her strength.
Would you do it again?
Abeni: To be honest, yes, but I would do certain things differently.
Ifunanya: Same, but I think we need to be in different places in our lives for it to happen again.
Rate the relationship you both had on a scale of 1 to 10
Ifunanya: 6. This is the best relationship I have had in my adult life. For me, I feel like there was some growing we should have done before being in a relationship with each other.
Abeni: 7, because the relationship was great and it’s one I’d never forget, but certain things could have been done differently. It sucks how things ended.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chika, 30, and Esther, 28, started off as platonic friends. Nine years into their friendship, Esther realised she had fallen in love, but Chika hadn’t. Today on Love Life, they discuss moving from friends to best friends, and now a married couple who are “joined at the hip”.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Esther: That would be at a send forth for a church member. I’m pretty sure we met before then, but nobody seems to remember. If I’m not mistaken, I was 16 and Chika was probably 18 or 19.
Chika: It was at a send forth organised for a church member who was about to japa. I can’t remember a specific date, but I know it wasn’t the first time I was seeing her. I’d met her before then, but at that send-forth, we danced and it sparked something.
Esther: It did not spark anything jor. You were just one of the fine boys in the neighbouring congregations. Nothing serious, at least for me.
I noticed him in the church, we danced together, and somehow we became friends. I wasn’t interested in anything else. I was too busy crushing on the brother of the lady whose send forth we were there for.
LMAO. How did things progress?
Chika: We became friends. We didn’t live too far apart, so I would visit her. I think she visited once, while I was in my mom’s shop helping her sell. But I did most of the visiting. We were young — I can’t remember how old — so it was all very platonic.
Esther: A lot of our meetings happened at the shop. It was at his mum’s shop that he introduced me to poetry. I remember that day. He said, “Let me show you something I wrote.”
I fell in love with his poetry.
His poetry and not him?
Esther: LMAO no, not him. He was still just my very cute best friend.
Chika: And I still saw her as a friend too. But I guess I must have been crushing on her slightly because while her house was close, it wasn’t that close. To make the journey as frequently as I did in those days, there must have been something more than friendship driving me.
Esther: Oh yes, my house wasn’t close at all.
Chika: I think I also had a love interest in those days, so Esther wasn’t in the picture in terms of romance.
Esther: Oh you definitely had a love interest. And you were always talking about her.
He even said we had to meet.
Well, you also said you had a crush on someone else…
Esther: LMAO actually I had even moved from my crush on the brother of the person being sent forth. In fact, I think I was moving from one crush to another. We were teenagers, so that explains a lot.
So when did you two become aware that you had feelings for each other?
Chika: 9 years later.
Esther: 9 years for me, a bit later for him.
Chika: SMH. Oya 9 years and 6 months for me.
How did that happen?
Esther: Well, I was the first to realise I was in love and I didn’t waste any time letting him know how I felt. I mean, I had always loved him as a friend, and now I had fallen in love with him. It seemed so perfect and so I wanted more. But Oga wasn’t there yet and kept saying he probably wasn’t going to get there because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
Chika: I have no comments.
Is this code for “there was someone else in the picture”?
Esther: *coughs*
Chika: LMAO okay, okay. I had just gotten out of a relationship. Also, I didn’t think I was relationship material and I wasn’t ready to lose my best friend in the process of trying.
Did I mention that we were living together at this point?
Sorry?
Chika: Yes. She had just finished NYSC. By then, we had moved from friends to best friends and we dated other people.
But we always kept in touch. Phone calls, messages, and we also tried to see each other when we could. It was rare though, and it required deliberate effort. You know, being in different universities and all of that.
Esther: He was the first person I would see whenever I entered Lagos. Even before seeing anybody else.
Chika: As per bestie. Then after youth service, she came back to Lagos and would visit often. But then she got a job on the island. I lived close to the job location, so we ended up staying together.
Tell me, Esther, how did you feel staying in the same apartment with someone you had feelings for but who didn’t feel the same about you?
Esther: It was tough, especially because he was extra kind to me and I just couldn’t see us not being together. He would call me all day at work and we would chat in between. Though he wouldn’t admit this, he checked up on me more than he ordinarily. And then when I pointed out that his behaviour towards me was different, in a good way, he’d say that it wasn’t as a result of feelings.
That pissed me off a lot. And then there was the phase where he wasn’t exactly over his ex. So she would come around and I’d have to leave. It was so annoying.
Chika: In my defense, I wasn’t sure and I wanted to be sure. We were living together and I knew it was inevitable, but I was also scared of it not being a conscious choice.
So when did you become sure?
Chika: I travelled to Kaduna for a festival, and it struck me how much sleeping on a bed she wasn’t in was not something I wanted to do. So I came back and asked her to be my girlfriend.
I told her what I had come to realise during my trip and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She felt it was too much of a roundabout turn and was asking questions like what changed? I tried to answer. She said she would think about it.
Esther: I’d just decided that I’d roll with his lack of feelings until he was ready and if I could move on, I would.
And then all of a sudden, this uncle comes back from Kaduna and starts saying nonsense about how he can’t live without me.
Chika: After I told her, her response was that she would think about it. She thought about it for all of 30 minutes.
Esther: Well there wasn’t much to think about. My feelings were pretty clear from the onset. You were the confused one. Although a part of me felt like torturing him a bit. Just saying no for the fun of it and making him sweat small. But of course, the whole torture lasted just 30 minutes.
In our next lives, I will show him pepper.
Ah, small small plis.
Chika: After that, it was smooth sailing. I think a part of me knew the girlfriend part was just to go through the proper route. That this was the person I wanted to marry. I can’t say “spend the rest of my life with”, because even without marriage, we are joined at the hip forever. So yeah, we dated, and six or seven months later, we decided to get married.
We got a hotel next to the Ikoyi registry. It almost felt like we were over-prepared for the wedding and the marriage. I had never been surer of anything in my life. I just felt lucky to be marrying my best friend.
Esther: We had two weddings: court and traditional, but the court wedding was it for me. Maybe because it was everything we wanted. No family intervention, no religion involved. And then there was the photoshoot after, it was amazing. Chika looked absolutely handsome. I was smitten.
Aww. How has married life been?
Chika: It’s very hard to explain, but e sweet die. For me, I like the fact the ordinary things of life become more enjoyable when I do them with her. Seeing a movie, eating food, lying down, gisting about the day, gossiping about people — everything just takes on a new colour with her.
Oh and we are also forming our own traditions: shawarma night, movie night, anniversaries, birthdays. A collection of small holidays designed specially for us and by us.
Esther:Married life has been beautiful. There’s something about waking up every day next to the love of your life and knowing that you get to do life with them and that you have a long time to experience life together. That’s a special kind of beautiful, and I am so glad to live in it.
What’s the best part about being married to each other?
Chika: Just knowing that I am home with my person. That’s the best part of it for me.
Esther: Honestly? I don’t know what the best part is. There are too many parts that feel like the best. Just when I think I have unlocked one layer, there is another layer waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.
Being with Chika is like being with another version of myself. We’re different, yet so alike in many ways. We have the same ideologies. We’re both somewhat introverted, so on a good day we’ll pick staying indoors and seeing a movie over going out. I’m not a very social person, so just having Chika around to do everything with is great.
What do you love most about each other?
Chika: For me, it’s her kindness, genuineness, and how she cares for me. I am certain of how she feels, and that certainty is like an anchor.
Esther: His heart. Chika is so kind to me. He regularly checks up on me, and on days when I’m extremely busy at work, he makes me breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serves me at my table. During exams, he buys me snacks that I can chew on when reading, chases the cats away so they don’t disturb me, and this support goes a long way to make the studying process easier. He pays attention to my mood too and shows up with ice cream when I’m sad. It’s little, but it goes a long way.
And this kindness is not restricted to me alone. Chika goes out of his way to help people. He’s always willing to help ease whatever is bothering my friends; when he is with his friends, I watch him and I am awed by how he always comes through for them. Daily, I am astonished by how easily kindness comes to him. I’m usually amazed because I’m not sure I can be that kind. Honestly. I am always ready to tear shirt oh, don’t mind him.
Are there things you don’t like about each other?
Chika: She likes saying I told you so.
Esther: LMAO but I am always right, and you don’t listen.
Chika: If my wife tells you something and you don’t do it and it now happens as she said it, she will not leave it oh.
Esther: But it almost always happens as I say it, no?
Chika: Anyway, I think our arguments and fights always lead to a deeper understanding for me.
Esther: See ehn, I think I’d like him to listen more. Chika get coconut head. E no dey hear word. But to tell the truth, even when he’s being a goat, my mind still tells me, “But you love this goat.”
Do you have any approach to de-escalating arguments and fights?
Chika: In the early days, I would get angry and throw words meant to hurt. But she has taught me that we are not fighting each other or we shouldn’t be. So these days, I focus on listening to her when disagreements occur and focus on mending things. I have also learned to listen and change even when I don’t agree immediately. I have had to learn this from her.
Esther: I also used to throw words too and would flare up easily, but I’ve had to learn to take a breather and then come back to discuss the issue when I’m calm. Another thing I’ve learned is to not expect immediate change. Before, I used to expect that he’d just conform to whatever I said, but now I have# learned to give it time and look out for the greys because change isn’t always from black to white. I look out for the little ways that he’s trying to improve and focus on that.
How would you rate the relationship?
Chika: Sweet die.
Esther: Ugh, this man. I don’t think we’re on the scale though LMAO. Over time, we have learned that we can’t rate our relationship. We can only rate moments. And right now I’d say we’re operating at a 10.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Becoming Best Friends Helped Us Stay Together
Jennifer, 28 and Emem, 26, have been dating for eight months. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about navigating a lesbian relationship in Nigeria and learning to work together as business partners.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Jennifer: I was walking back from the gate after seeing my friend off. I saw her from a distance. It was dark, but she looked lovely. She was smiling so much that I knew she was going to speak to me, and she did.
Emem: That day, as I saw her walking towards me, I was like OMG! Who be this fine babe? My friends and I were at a party within the neighbourhood. The party was fizzling out, so my friends and I sat outside beside a car. I spoke to her when she came close and invited her in, but she said she had friends waiting for her and had to let them know where she was going.
I saw her again when the party ended as I was walking home. She was standing by herself, so I sharply asked for her number. I told her she better respond to me when I message her. She wondered why I thought she wouldn’t respond to me, and I said I know fine girls don’t talk to people. She promised she’d respond, and we parted ways. The next day by 6 a.m., I texted her and guess what? She didn’t reply. I had to keep bothering her.
Jennifer: LMAO. I remember the next day when I woke up, and saw her text on WhatsApp at 6 a.m. I was like, who messages anybody at 6 a.m.? I don’t like people disturbing me in the morning, so I thought this girl will be a nuisance.
She called me later that day; I picked by mistake, so I had to talk to her. We spoke, and I liked her, but it was awkward I kept thinking, a tomboy is asking me out. I kept the conversation short and ended the call fast. I didn’t talk to her for a few days, even though she was texting me.
One day, I was at the salon fixing my nails when her messages kept buzzing my phone. Again, I mistakenly opened it, and had to reply because I didn’t want to be rude. I saw that they were long messages, so I sent her a video of the technician fixing my nails and told her I would text her when I was done. She said we should hang out. That’s how she seized me. That day we hung out is the day we started dating.
Emem: When we saw, I just said, you know you are my girlfriend now, right? It was so easy, LOL.
Emem: The relationship has been amazing. We’ve had ups and downs, especially because we are both girls. I let her have way every time because I am the man in the relationship. I hate it, but it’s more peaceful when I do. I prefer it that way because I don’t want to lose her. One day, I will catch her, and everything will go my way. Jennifer is a fucking handful, but she does everything for me, so that part is great.
Jennifer: It’s been challenging because of how people perceive us when they see us. Emem is masculine-presenting, so it’s easy to tell that we are a couple in public. We either get admiration or judgemental stares from people.
Emem: Yup, they look at us like we are supposed to be afraid of them. I challenge them in my head like come and beat us now. But at the beginning of our relationship, it wasn’t easy for Jennifer. I have always accepted myself as I am, and everyone around me, including my family, knows it. For Jennifer, it was new.
There are times where Jennifer would be cranky and upset, but she can’t tell me what’s wrong because she didn’t want me to feel like she doesn’t want the relationship anymore. She eventually told me how she had to battle with her family and her friends. She knew she would lose people because she is dating me. But she wanted to be with me, and that’s also why I stayed. I could have left because there are other girls, I didn’t want to be with someone who would be unhappy, and I would blame myself for it. She got over it, though.
Jennifer: It was terrible because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I met her. What started as a joke started getting serious, and I was scared. I was thinking of how my parents, siblings, friends, and cousins would take it. I’m from a very strict home, and I didn’t want to ‘shame’ the family. So there were days I spent just crying, unable to do anything else. I was thinking, why do I have to explain my love to anybody? Emem would sit beside me helplessly. I felt terrible for making her feel bad, but I think I had to go through all that to get here. Also, I think the fact that we became each other’s best friends helped us stay together. We would fight over the littlest and silliest things but also laugh over those things. That helped our bond and helped us overcome the societal pressure of being in the relationship.
So how are things now?
Jennifer: Sofar, my siblings are in love with Emem. Funny enough, they already knew who I was before I told them. In secondary school, I always had pictures of studs on my phone. I would make them my wallpaper, but I didn’t think much of it. So when I told my sisters, they were not surprised. My mum knows Emem as my friend. She comes to my house often, and they exchange pleasantries. My family is always pointing out how we look alike.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Emem: Food! She cooks for me every time.
Even if I’m hungry at 12, Jennifer would get up to cook for me. It blows my mind how much she cares about me. With her, I’m free — I could be anything with Jennifer. I love that she trusts me, and no matter what anyone says, she would talk to me first. It’s that bond for me.
Jennifer: The best part for me is having the best friend I can be intimate with.
Emem: We run businesses together. There was this time we fought for two weeks straight because we couldn’t understand each other. We are two different people, so it took a while to navigate. I am pretty stubborn so getting me to be on the same page with her was difficult. She was so angry at how I was handling things. I thought we would break up, but eventually, we got through it.
Jennifer: I didn’t think we were going to make it too. I broke up with her twice during that period. I don’t think we sat down to resolve it. It just passed. Emem found a way to let me do things the way I wanted. When I do, and it doesn’t work, then we can talk about it. These fights were about decision making in our business. Emem is slow and steady; I’m not that patient. Also, we figured that we never came up with solutions when we fought.
Emem: Yeah! So we decided that we must talk about every fight. She tells me, hey, I’m upset, and I promise not to do it again. Jennifer’s head is very hot, so you have to let her have her way.
What is your favourite thing about each other?
Jennifer: She’s kind. That’s one of the things that pulled me to her. You would never hear Emem say anything bad about another person. She is tough on the outside, but she does that to shield her softness. My favourite thing is that I am the only one who gets to see that part of her— she can be mean to everybody and nice to me.
Emem: She knows how to love. She makes everything easy for me. She reminds me every day that she is on my side. On Saturday, I went to play soccer, and I won a medal. Jennifer hangs it beside her bed so she can look at it every day. I don’t deserve her love, but I’m grateful. She is interested in my well-being. She’s the sweetest woman ever.
Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10
Emem: 10!
Jennifer: Yes, 10! I am so here for this love. We have regular relationship issues, but most times, we’re goofy.
Emem: Plus, we wake up beside each other every day, and it’s just so beautiful.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Love Life: Our Parents Are Worried We’ll Divorce
Gbemi, 25, and Ruoyu, 26, are a Nigerian and Chinese couple who really want to get married. For today’s Love Life, they talk about how being a Nigerian and Chinese couple living in America is holding them back from saying “I Do”.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Gbemi: That will be 2018, our final year of university. We took a course together, and what I remember most was how Ruoyu always went out of his way to make sure I was comfortable.
Ruoyu: Gbemi and I were assigned to the same project group. That’s how we started talking to each other. She was a very happy girl. She always had a smile for me and was willing to listen to everything I had to say. We talked a lot. The more we talked, the more we got familiar.
What did you both talk about?
Gbemi: I think the very first thing was movies, because he asked me to go watch a movie with him. Afterwards, we went to eat. I felt totally relaxed around him. I had my natural hair out and no make-up. Even when we went to eat, I was so comfortable that I ate with my hands.
Ruoyu: We spoke about things that were popular at the time. I remember that Black Panther had just premiered, so it was one of the things we spoke about too. Because we were always talking, we quickly found a big common ground for both of us — our love for food.
We both love Asian food, Chinese, Korean, Japanese (maybe not Japanese for Gbemi). I learned that Nigerian and Chinese food are similar to an extent.
They are?
Ruoyu: Yes. Both have spicy tastes, they use beef/lamb/goat for many different dishes, and we all appreciate good fried rice.
Gbemi: Their fish dishes are so good too. There’s fish stew, fish pepper soup, fried fish, etc. There’s also suya, but with skewers. Also, Chinese people use just as many spices as Nigerians.
Interesting.
Ruoyu: Haha. Also, the first time we went out together, we had Korean spicy chicken. We both used our hands and made a mess, so it was not only Gbemi.
When did you shift from being friends to a serious relationship?
Gbemi: That was a week after we went out to eat. The whole thing happened pretty quickly. I guess that’s how it is when you are certain of how you feel about the other person. I was certain of my feelings for Ruoyu. I knew I liked him, but we didn’t have enough time. It was our last semester, and he had accepted a job offer in Washington. Since he would be moving, I was worried he would not ask me out and that our friendship would die before it had a chance to blossom into a romantic relationship.
But he did. And I said yes. I didn’t have to think about it twice. What I felt for him was genuine enough to take risks on.
Ruoyu: The risk, in this case, was my move to Washington, and what it would mean for the both of us. But I’m glad I asked her to be my girlfriend, and I am glad that she said yes.
Do you remember the exact way this happened?
Gbemi: Oh my God yes. He said, “Would you be my girlfriend?” in English, and then he said something else in Chinese that I didn’t understand. But it was so powerful and heartfelt that it moved me to tears.
Ruoyu: I looked at her and told her that I love her big eyes and beautiful cheeks. And then I said, “Can you be my girlfriend?” in Chinese and in English.
你能做我的女朋友吗?
Ni neng zuo wo de nv peng you ma?
After she said yes I said, “Wo ai ni.” I love you.
Gbemi: The whole thing was so emotional. I was happy that he asked, happy that he meant it. I didn’t think about anything else, just the fact that he asked. It was after everything that I started thinking about moving to Washington to be with him. I didn’t even know what job offer he got or what the job would be.
LMAO ah. What plan did you come up with?
Gbemi: I had a job plan for me to work in the DC area, and there were a few job options open for me. My plan was to work a bit — perhaps one or two years — and then go back to school. But after he asked me to be his girlfriend, we started making plans to go to Washington together and I had to convince my parents to let me go.
Trust me, it wasn’t easy. I had to say I got a job opening in Washington. My dad objected; he wanted to know why I didn’t look for jobs in Maryland, but my mom knew the truth. I don’t lie to her. She wasn’t very open to the idea of me moving in with him. You know, Nigerian parents will always do their thing. I told her, “I’m in love with this guy, he’s worth it, and I’m willing to see whatever happens. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll come back home and cry.” She had no choice but to agree. She told me I had to be responsible for the outcome of whatever decision I was making, and Ruoyu had to swear with his life that I would not regret coming with him.
Wait a minute. Your mum knew about Ruoyu?
Ruoyu: Yes, I met with her mum during our graduation. We spent a few days together. The first time I met with her dad was when we attended her sister’s graduation. I was introduced as Gbemi’s boyfriend and I was so nervous. I didn’t say too much. We had a group lunch together with many other guests. A Chinese-American buffet. Gbemi’s family is very welcoming, and they really treat me as one of their own.
Gbemi: LMAO. Ruoyu even talks to my sister behind my back. I have met his mum too. I went to China with him in 2019. It was really lovely. His mum made a lot of dishes for us. And that was where I tasted my first Chinese fried fish.
But I’m very curious oh. Don’t you both experience cultural differences? How are you bridging them?
Ruoyu: Yes, there certainly are some cultural differences. The first time I heard Gbemi talking to her sister on the phone, I was shocked. I thought they were having a bad fight. It was loud and a lot of talking over each other. I was driving the car. I stopped and told her that I don’t like fierce fighting, especially with family. What’s wrong? Then I learned it was just two Nigerians having a normal chat.
Gbemi: Oh my goodness. You know how Nigerians — actually, let me not generalise. You know how Yorubas can get really loud and go, “is it me you’re talking to like that?” So, I was on the phone with my sister and we were talking, laughing really loud and exchanging words. The next thing I knew, Ruoyu parked the car.
Ruoyu: I think our major difference would be our characteristics. For example, Gbemi’s family likes to make phone calls to check on each other. And they call each other very frequently. At first, I didn’t get used to calling her family to say hi or to be called for that kind of thing. I gradually learned that this was one way they’re showing love.
My family don’t call frequently. But when we do call each other, it lasts for 2+ hours.
Gbemi: Religion is also one area of difference. It’s a big part of the Nigerian identity, but in China, it isn’t. Also, me being Christian and defending Muslims. Ruoyu didn’t get it.
Ruoyu: Gbemi also has to cope with the difference from my side. I sometimes say something and expect her to understand what it implies (even if it means the opposite). For example, she said she wanted a cat as a pet. I didn’t agree or disagree, just gave a neutral answer. But when it came to the time she was really going to have one, I had to tell her that I’m allergic to cats. She was upset that I hid this information from her. On the other hand, I thought that by not agreeing, I had shown my disagreement. That’s a very Chinese thing to do.
Gbemi: I was actually shocked, honestly. An allergy is something you tell your partner from the beginning. But talking helps us bridge the differences. Living together has helped too.
If one of us does something the other does not like, we speak up. If the tone is a bit harsh, we let each other know. If we feel like one of us is being scolded, we speak. At first, he wanted space to ease out issues, but I refused. We are going to talk it out and not let it pass that day. And now, we are used to that method. We talk to each other, think about what has been said and take responsibility. And over the years, we’ve evolved to become more compatible partners.
Ruoyu: we’ve both realised our differences and become very clear on what the other person is thinking. By the way, we now have a dog.
What’s the best part of the relationship for you?
Gbemi: I like how he is dedicated to making life easier for me. Back when we just met, I would say I’m hungry and before I knew it, he’d be at my door with food. Or I’d be on the Metro, coming back from church or something, and I’ll be talking about how tired I am. When I get to the Metro, he’d be there, waiting to pick me up. He did the littlest and biggest things for me without me asking.
There are other instances where I’d text and he’d be like, “What are you doing and what are you planning to do?” I’d say my plans and he’d be like, oh, let’s go do it. He is very active and I appreciate that.
Ruoyu: I like that she’s understanding and always true. That we get to spend time with each other, enjoying every moment. We travel together, cook, go to concerts, shop, take our dog to the vet, explore new restaurants. What we do doesn’t matter that much, as long as we’re together.
Are there any “bad” parts?
Gbemi: We have improved a lot now, but at first, the bad part was resolving arguments. One person wants to get over it, the other person wants to crack it down and figure out what went wrong. But the moment we realised that we are all we’ve got, everything else just flowed. Once you realise you have no exit in a relationship, no Plan B, you are committed to making it work. And that’s it for the both of us. We are each other’s priority, and we are committed to making it work. That’s what makes all the difference.
Ruoyu: When we argue, I always stay quiet afterwards rather than express any of my feelings. Gbemi is a very genuine person, and she doesn’t like me being so unresponsive. She helped me get out of this bad habit. She is 7 hours away from her family and I am 10,000 miles away from mine. We are the family we have here, and families shouldn’t set barriers to each other. Communication is the key. That’s what has helped us so far.
Aww. At this point, I’m going to beg you both to invite me to the wedding.
Ruoyu: The wedding is a little complicated.
Ehn?
Ruoyu: We have been working on it. But there have been some setbacks from my family. But we believe that they will be resolved eventually.
Gbemi: So yes, like Ruoyu said, the wedding is complicated because of cultural differences, and we are still working on it. My parents are loving and accepting, however his side is not so much.
Could you please explain?
Gbemi: I’m American, Ruoyu is Chinese. Both countries have a history of competing against each other. And when Trump was president, he worsened things. This is why our parents are concerned about the dynamics of us raising our children in that kind of environment. You know, issues about identity and stuff like that. Ruoyu told his family that we were in control of it and they were cool with it. This was when I went to China to meet his family and his mother prepared a lot of dishes for us.
Ruoyu: Our original plan was to get the whole marriage thing over without family interference or the complications of ceremony, getting friends over and all of that. We just wanted something small and personal. After that, we’ll then do the traditional ones to fulfill all obligations. But then COVID happened, so the wedding we planned for ourselves was delayed. And because of that delay, our family decided to take the “serious approach.”
Ugh, not COVID.
Gbemi: You know how, in Nigeria, you have to let the bride’s side have control and all? That’s where the issue is. Now, both families have taken the ceremony out of our control and we have to do it according to their way: officially and traditionally.
So, Ruoyu went to Maryland to ask for my hand in marriage. My father agreed and I asked what the next step would be since I don’t really know what’s going to happen. After waiting a while — guess they wanted to ascertain how serious we were with each other — my mother told me how the Nigerian marriage culture is, and how it relates to Ruoyu in terms of informing his family and bringing stuff. I told him about that, but I made it clear that he wasn’t buying me; he was just fulfilling tradition.
Ruoyu: I also wanted a traditional Chinese wedding, but my parents refused.
Wow. What reason did they give?
Ruoyu: Not enough guests. In China, it’s not good to have a wedding and not have enough people attend. It’ll show that you don’t have friends.
Gbemi: Ruoyu insisted that he would have one, even without his parents being a part of it. I know how much it meant to him, so I asked if he wanted to incorporate some Chinese culture into the Yoruba wedding, but he refused. While we were planning and trying to figure everything out, Ruoyu’s parents said they would do everything my parents wanted concerning the wedding, but on one condition: the court wedding would have to be in China.
Omo.
Gbemi: So my dad goes, “Why would you want to do everything here in America but take the most important and the legal part to China? That’s a huge red flag.” I tried to convince him that Ruoyu’s parents just needed to feel a bit of control, but my dad refused. According to him, my family’s in America, I met Ruoyu in America, so it’s only natural for the wedding to be in America too. He even went ahead to research the implications of an American getting married to a Chinese in a court in China.
And that’s really where the wahala is. Ruoyu’s parents are saying that they have allowed my family to take control of everything, why not give them the one thing they want, which is the legal one? And honestly, I see their point, but the truth is that each family is just trying to protect their own child.
Ruoyu: I am Gbemi’s family and Gbemi is my family, but to our parents, we are separate entities. That’s why they are trying to do what’s best for their child. No matter how much we tell them we are in love and convince them that we are good, they don’t believe us. They are worried about what will happen if we divorce. Who gets the children? Will America give them to Gbemi?
Gbemi: Very recently, my father called me. I explained to him that Ruoyu and I are both sad and depressed, and one family needs to give in. My father considered it and he’s willing to have another conversation with Ruoyu’s family. My mother said the conversation would exclude me and Ruoyu, just a meeting of both families.
So, Ruoyu put in a lot of effort to convince his parents, set up a Skype meeting and all. Two days before the meeting, his parents said they would no longer be joining the call.
Oh no. What happened again?
Ruoyu: They said I love Gbemi too much and might trick my family into agreeing with everything her parents say.
Gbemi: My dad told me, “Look, it’s not that I don’t want you to marry Ruoyu, but look at how the family is pushing back. They don’t see you as a precious commodity. Doesn’t that raise flags for you? Can’t you see that they are only more concerned about their son?”
Ruoyu: My parents actually said Gbemi should fight for the legal wedding in China with her family too. Honestly, if COVID didn’t happen, we would have done the wedding, Right now, we see each other as married. We just need the seal of the law and tradition to make it binding.
I’m willing to get married without my parents. If they don’t want to support us, I’m cool with it. I have Gbemi’s family, and I am satisfied with having her parents as my parents, her siblings as my siblings. I am gaining a family. But her parents are not completely okay with me disregarding my family to fulfill their own requirements. According to them, “Family will always be family. You can’t throw them away.”
Gbemi: My parents love Ruoyu. A lot. And I love him too. Love is a choice. We have decided to stick together, despite all that happens. I want to share my family with Ruoyu. But in my family, you have to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. So, if I decide to do the wedding in China now, whatever happens, good or bad, I have to take responsibility because they warned me about it. If I do what my parents say, they are responsible for the outcome.
Wow. That’s a lot. So, what’s the situation of things now?
Gbemi: We’re stuck. There’s no going forward or turning backwards. We are both depressed, but we have each other and I think that’s enough comfort to wade through this cold sea. My mother keeps calling to check up on us, especially Ruoyu. Even my father who is playing the hard man, calls often to ask how Ruoyu is faring emotionally.
Ruoyu and I have decided to pray and fast. Ruoyu is not a religious person; when we first met, he didn’t even believe in God. But now, he prays with me. Sometimes when I don’t feel the urge to pray, he takes the lead and tells me, “You know God loves you.” And honestly, I love him more for that.
What other things do you love about each other?
Gbemi: For me, loving Ruoyu is like breathing. I can’t stop it or control it, it just happens. Even now when our present situation gives me so many reasons not to love him, I still love him.
I like who he is. I like the marks on his hands, I like his smile, his nails. I like that he allows me to do his hair, paint his nails, that he loves my food and is open to try new things, learn more about me and teach me stuff.
I’m dealing with anxieties, and i think it might be difficult to love someone like me, but I see him continuously choose to love me. You know how we say, “I love God because God loves me?” Ruoyu loves me so much that I have no other option but to love him too. And in loving him, I love myself even more.
Ruoyu: I love how full of life Gbemi is. She makes living beautiful. Her smile adds colour to my days, and each time I see her, I feel a sense of gratitude that she is in my life and that we are committed to being together.
How would you rate this relationship on a scale of 1-10?
Ruoyu: I wouldn’t rate my family. But if I had the chance to start all over again, from that small college town where we had nothing, I’d still ask Gbemi to be my girlfriend.
Gbemi: It is the best I ever had and the last by God’s grace.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Love Life: I Moved To Nigeria To Be With Her
Bibi, 33, and Kelly, 27, have been dating for about four years. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about how they met online and transitioned from a long-distance relationship to a live-in couple.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kelly: I think mine is the first time we had drinks at a hotel in Dubai. I can’t forget it. Babe opened the champagne as we looked at each other. I was thinking, “OMG, we are actually here right now.”
Bibi: I feel bad because her answer is cute and mine is not so much. I got to Dubai before her, so I had to pick her up from the airport. When she saw me, she was so nervous and excited that her bag dropped from her hand. It was embarrassing.
So how did you two meet? What was before the Dubai trip?
Kelly: We met on Instagram in 2017. Someone made a pussy challenge post and Babe commented on it. I thought that even if she wasn’t into girls, she wouldn’t be homophobic.
Bibi: After the comment, I noticed that someone was liking my pictures. I checked the notifications and saw her picture. She looked nice, so I went through the rest of her page. I didn’t really understand how social media worked then because I went to watch her story, and I didn’t know she could see that I had viewed it. I posted a story a few days after that, she commented on it and that’s how we started talking.
Kelly: It’s not everybody you meet for the first time you start asking personal questions, but we clicked. She told me things about herself, and I told her things about me too. We couldn’t stop talking. It was when she had to go to work, that we realised how long we had been talking. She lived in Canada then and I was in Nigeria, so it was past noon when she had to go. We continued chatting and became really close friends even before the subject of dating came up.
Who made the move to go from friends to lovers?
Bibi: I was going through a bad breakup at the time and she was too. One day in the middle of our conversation, I told her I was going to marry her, that I felt like she’s the one. She said, “I bet you tell all the other girls that.”
Before that, I was trying to find out if she was into girls or not, so I asked if she had a boyfriend. She said no and asked me the same thing. Then I asked if she had a girlfriend and she paused — I could see her online, but she didn’t reply for a few minutes.
Kelly: You know how Nigeria is — you can’t just go telling everyone that you’re a lesbian.
Bibi: At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my ex. We had been dragging it out for months, and at that point, we had decided to let things go. But being who I am, I wanted to do it in person. I arranged for the two of us to meet in Dubai.
I told Kelly about it and she was sad, but I assured her that I was going to keep her in the loop. We couldn’t even stop talking. Throughout the Dubai trip, I was on the phone with her. After I ended things with my ex, we continued talking and everything just seemed great. It was obvious we liked each other and connected deeply, but I am the type of person that you have to ask out, so it wasn’t official yet.
In May 2018, I arranged for another trip in Dubai for me and Kelly to meet. It was a nice trip for both of us. I remember us watching the royal wedding and feeling so emotional that we started crying. As we were crying, Kelly looked at me and asked me to be her girlfriend.
What happened afterwards?
Kelly: After two weeks, I returned to Lagos and she returned to Canada. It was very sad for both of us because we realised that we were in a long-distance relationship. Every three months, Babe would visit Nigeria, spend a few weeks, then go back. One time in 2019, she spent two months and when it was time to go, it was really tough. It took about six or seven months before we saw each other again.
I knew I wanted to be with her, so we struggled together through it. Sometimes we would have fights and decide to break up because of the distance. It was hard, but we are here now. We’ve been living together for about seven months now.
How did that happen?
Bibi: Last year, I decided to come to Nigeria for Kelly’s birthday because we had never celebrated any birthdays together. I was supposed to visit again in December 2019, but I stayed back to work so I could raise enough money for a nice time together. Then COVID hit. I got an email from the flight company that my flight was cancelled and they didn’t know when they would be flying again. Shortly after, the lockdown happened and everything started crumbling.
Our fights got worse, and we weren’t sure if we were going to see each other again. When flights resumed, I got COVID and it was terrible. Babe couldn’t get to me and I couldn’t get to her. We started talking about what would happen if I passed on. I had COVID for about eight weeks, and even after I got a negative result, I was still down with post-COVID symptoms, so I couldn’t fly.
After I got cleared, I wanted to come to Nigeria, but Nigeria had banned international flights. There was a flight going to Cotonou but when you got there, you had to use a bike to get to the border. I booked it. I also found another flight going to a South African country; I booked that as well. I booked a lot of flights because I was desperate. I was getting ready for the Cotonou trip when I got an email that they had updated their travel rules — I would have to get tested in Cotonou and spend up to a week there before leaving for anywhere else.
How did you feel about that?
I was born and bred in Canada — I have never lived anywhere else, so I was really scared. Babe couldn’t come to Cotonou because of the travel restrictions in Nigeria. She was crying, worried about me going to Cotonou, but I was like, “Babe, we are going to do this.” Two days before the flight, I got an email that there was an emergency flight leaving from Canada and going straight to Lagos. In those moments, looking for flights, I realised that the most important thing to me was my relationship with babe. I decided I wasn’t even coming to visit anymore — I was coming to stay.
Right away, I bought containers and started throwing my belongings in it, but because I had been booking flights, I was low on cash so I couldn’t send my stuff to Nigeria. I was worried about it for a while but one day, on my way back from buying another container for my stuff, my neighbour saw me and asked if I was sending it to Nigeria. He said he was sending a bus to Nigeria and it was empty. He asked to ship my containers with his bus at no cost at all. I jumped on it even though Babe was skeptical.
I carried our dog, Coco with me and jumped on that emergency flight within a week. There was a lot of news about flights getting cancelled so I was really anxious about the plane actually moving. When the pilot announced that we were ready to take off, I was on video call with Kelly and just started crying.
I am claustrophobic. I get bad panic attacks I take medication for on flights, but that day, I didn’t care.
I remember coming out of the airport and seeing this beautiful, amazing person holding a bouquet of roses. In that moment, I didn’t even care that I was in Nigeria and people are homophobic; I ran to her and started kissing her. Everyone was looking at us. Some people even shouted. That’s how I moved here. I didn’t even tell people at my office I was moving. After two months they asked when I was coming back, and I was like, you’re never gonna see me again. LOL.
Was there any pushback from your family when you moved?
Bibi: My family knew about Kelly already. My brothers are her biggest fans. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it when I was planning my trip because flights kept getting canceled, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster.
After I boarded, I called my brothers and told them I’m going to Nigeria. They asked if I was going to be safe, and when I said yes, they said they understood and they loved us. When I got to Nigeria, I called my mom and the first question she asked was, “Where is Kelly?” I handed Kelly the phone. When she confirmed I was safe, she said alright, bye. They knew I was in good hands.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Kelly: I have a friend. I know it sounds silly. I was telling her this morning that I never had someone I could be this open and honest with. We’ve been in a relationship for four years, and I’ve grown so much that it’s not just about us being partners, it’s about our friendship. Every morning I wake up and I’m excited to hang out with my friend.
Bibi: Aww. I have always been in relationships where I put everything in and didn’t get anything back. The best part of this is the matched energy. When we started talking, I told her every single thing about myself, even the embarrassing stuff. She was like my diary — I could go to her and pour everything that I feel without filters. Even when I do something wrong, I am able to tell her honestly how I fucked up and that’s very special to me.
What was your worst fight like?
Bibi: We’ve been in a relationship for so long but in reality, we haven’t because we haven’t been in the same space for a long time. Long distance relationships are perfect because conversations happen over the phone. I could call her when I’m upset and she would cheer me up, but she doesn’t get to see me on days I’m overwhelmed. When we started living together, we would have fights because we didn’t know certain things about each other. We got to a point where we believed that we were not compatible and decided to break up. I was going to move back to Canada and we were asking who was going to get the dog among both of us. It was a big deal, but she went on a walk and when she came back, we started crying.
After a while, we talked about why we were crying. It turned out we both really wanted to be the relationship. We accepted that we didn’t have to be the exact same person we were over the phone — we could evolve, and we had to put in the work for the relationship to work.
Do you remember what caused the fight?
Kelly: On my way to the gym, I was using my phone. I recently started driving and Bibi always tells me to leave my phone alone. That day, I hit someone with the car. It made a small dent.
Bibi: Don’t add small or big o. Just tell the story.
Kelly: I tell Babe everything, but I knew that one would make her upset. One day, she saw the dent and asked me what happened. I told her I didn’t know how to say it because she would be upset. She said I didn’t know her. I didn’t understand. I thought it was about the dent, which was a small thing to me.
Bibi: Driving distracted is huge to me because my brother died from an accident. When that happened, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t about the dent. I was worried that Kelly had something that she couldn’t tell me. I didn’t understand that she didn’t want to let me down. I didn’t see it from that angle — I was more concerned she kept it a secret. She was like, “It’s a car, I’ll fix it,” and I said it wasn’t about the dent. That’s how we started talking about how we don’t know each other.
What is your favourite thing about your relationship?
Kelly: I love how she makes my food. Babe is obsessed with how she serves her food. With her, it’s not just rice; she would have other things on the side like eggs, plantain in cute shapes that make it more interesting. Those little details are my favorite thing about being with her.
Bibi: I have been through so much in my life. There are stories I don’t tell people, but since the first day I met this person, she has never judged me. I would tell her something shocking and wait for her reaction. Instead of judging me, she would say it’s okay. She would never bring it up again. She would assure me that I am a human being and I am allowed to live. If someone else brings it up around her, she would defend me.
Another thing is that I live with a mental health issue. Anytime I have episodes, she would cry and ask God to put it on her. When I had COVID, she wanted to get it too because she didn’t want me to be alone in it. I told her you’re going to die o. Her getting it wouldn’t have done anything for me, but the fact that she didn’t want me to walk through it alone was everything.
Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.
Kelly: 10. It’s not like we’re perfect, but we are us.
Bibi: When it comes to relationships, a lot of people try to portray perfection, but queer relationships are so different. I was taught how to behave in a man’s house, but now I’m in a woman’s house and those rules don’t apply.
I rate it a 10 because it’s not perfect, but I don’t want it to be because I feel like perfect is fake. Those hiccups we face helps me understand her more.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Love Life: We Have Decided To Let Each Other Go
Angel*, 29, and Akin*, 37, are deeply in love, but they are trying to go their separate ways. For today’s Love Life, they talk about getting back together after their first breakup and finally choosing to “decouple” due to their religious beliefs.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Akin: We met at a conference in 2019. She was one of the brains behind the event, and I was there as an attendee. Throughout the conference, I had my eyes on her. I loved the way she looked and spoke. I wanted to know her better. After it was done, I walked up to her, acting like I had a work-related question.
Angel: When he said he wanted to hang out, I thought, “Join the queue, mister.” After the conference, he came to the DMs. He was interested in me and wanted me to know. I liked the consistency and intentionality, so I gave him a chance. We had dinner.
How did that go?
Akin: There was good food and there was great conversation. I wanted to get to know her, but at that dinner, it felt like we had been friends forever. We talked about everything. Even when the weather changed and everything became cold, we moved to another spot at the restaurant with blankets and kept on talking. Everything felt right.
Angel: He told me he was going to marry me, and I found it funny. On our way back to the car, it began to rain. We sat together in the car, and he brought out a CD he’d made for me. I thought the dinner was incredible, but listening to the CD felt like we had unlocked another level of being intentionally loved.
Was that the “official” start of your relationship?
Akin: She had to travel a few days after the dinner. Honestly, I didn’t want her to go. I wanted to spend more time with her. So when there was a problem with her visa and the travelling had to be pushed back a few days, I whisked her off to the beach.
Angel: LMAO. The beach trip was what sealed it for me. I had all my answers that he was the one for me. After that trip, we talked all the time. It was intense. We couldn’t get enough of each other’s company.
I came back from the trip, and he sent his driver to come pick me up. He made special arrangements for my comfort. All the little things he did to make me comfortable really warmed my heart.
But it didn’t last long.
Ehn?
Angel: The intensity reduced oh. Gone was the man who had my time, the man who always wanted to talk and be in my company. He just didn’t have my time anymore. It didn’t feel like he was into me as much as before.
Akin: In my defence, I had just gotten a new job, and it was demanding. But she didn’t get it. After a few weeks of awkwardness, she decided to be upfront. She laid out all the problems and asked, “Do you want to break up?”
What did you say?
Akin: I said, “Yes.”
Angel: You can imagine. The relationship was only three months old.
Akin: As I said, I just got a new job and it was killing me. When I met Angel, I was still in the onboarding stage, so I had time to be myself and love her with complete dedication. A few weeks down the line, I was done with onboarding, and they threw the real work at me. I was anxious about failing, and I was fighting so hard to strike a balance.
She would DM me randomly, “Let’s do lunch.” In Lagos. On a workday. Who does that? The pressure was mad. I live on the mainland, she lives on the island. I would struggle to meet up. But I wasn’t giving her half as much as I had, and she could sense it.
Angel: But you didn’t tell me this, so there was no way I could know. It just seemed like 100 to 0 real quick. My first thought was, “Oh, so you have caught fish now, and there is no need to be intentional anymore, abi?” Saying that work was killing him didn’t seem like a very valid excuse too. It just seemed like a way out.
How so?
Akin: Angel has a unique work schedule, and she gauged everything else by it. Work didn’t interfere with her life as much as it did with mine. So she couldn’t connect with the reality of not being able to text her throughout the day.
I would read her body language and feel guilty, sometimes, irritated. I understood where she was coming from: she had seen better days in the relationship, and she wanted those days back.
I wanted to give her those better days too, but I couldn’t. The relationship that used to be a comfort for me now became a source of stress. So when she gave me the option of breaking up, I took it. I believe we were two right people who met at the wrong time.
Angel: You know what was most annoying? After he agreed to break up, he now said, “If I’m in a better place and still single, would you give me a chance?” I was pissed off. Like, you didn’t succeed in this round, and you are booking space for another round. Are you okay?
Not going to lie, I was deeply hurt. I had told him my experience with people and yet, he was going the same way too.
I’m so sorry about that.
Akin: I kept trying to make amends. We had agreed to let each other go, but I knew it came from a place of deep hurt and resentment, and I didn’t want her to go into the world holding on to that.
But this one? She held on tight to it. I’d call her and she’d be like, “Ehen, what do you want?” Or I’d say, “I miss us,” and she’d go, “Okay, what am I supposed to do with that information?”
Angel: Oh, the attempts at making amends were the worst. I was taking time out to heal, and each time he reached out, it felt like the wound was being ripped open again.
Akin: One time, I called her by her oriki and she fired back, “DON’T EVER TRY THAT AGAIN!”
Angel: LMAO. You that I was trying to get away from, you’re now using such tender language on me. Did my village people send you?
Akin: I wasn’t ready to give up. No matter how short-lived what we had was, it was a perfect reminder that the kind of person I wanted and the kind of love I desired exists. And I wanted her to see this too.
Angel: Ah, I remember the gift too. LMAO.
What gift?
Akin: We exchanged gifts with each other’s names on them. And then one day, madam called me and said she wanted to give me back my own, so she could get hers back.
Angel: That gift was another reminder I wanted to erase. I was looking at it on my table one afternoon and I said, “Nah, the devil is a liar.” You know the funniest thing? A few days or so after I collected that gift back, mine broke. It seemed very symbolic. Almost like it was a breakage of all the memories the both of us had made together.
Akin: But then I found your slippers.
Angel: LMAO. This man called me months after we had broken up to say he found the slippers I left behind. I honestly didn’t believe him. Slippers, after how many months? But he sent me a photo of them, and so I had to go get it. I asked him to send it by dispatch, but he said he wanted us to meet.
Akin: Say the truth, you needed someone to talk to. Because, to be honest, I didn’t even think she would come. Anyway, we went out to get dinner, and it was like we were back to the beginning all over again.
That familiarity came back. Yes, it’s a case of once bitten, twice shy, but even in that shyness, I felt like I was home again. We caught up on old gist, told each other what we’d been up to, everything.
Angel: And then he said we should hang out that Sunday. At the beach. The beach oh. When he mentioned it, I was like, “The beach, AGAIN?” But of course, I went. And after we clarified where we were in our lives, Part 2 of our relationship began.
So that was Part 1… Okay, what happened in Part 2?
Akin: I wanted to try again. Angel knows how to love me. She gets it. She sees me beyond how I see myself. It’s almost like we’ve lived a lifetime together before and we understand each other so well. So I asked her if she would be willing to.
Angel: Honestly? My heart said a big yes.
Akin: This is the most beautiful love I have ever had. This woman is incredible.
Angel: You are incredible. I must have done something good in another life to be loved by you, the way that you love me.
Akin: Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for always being so intentional and gracious. I believe in healthy, kind love because of you.
Angel: You know how you always affirm me and gently point out how I could be better when I am falling short? Even difficult conversations are easy with you. I will forever be grateful to have met you.
So, are there wedding bells coming soon?
Akin: Why do good things have to have comma? [Sad sigh]
Angel: I am Christian, and he’s Muslim. His faith does not forbid him from marrying me, but mine does. I also know that the practicality of a Christian woman getting married to a Muslim man are not black and white, especially in our blessed country. Then there’s a part of me that worries I won’t get the blessings of my parents if I go ahead with the marriage.
Wow.
Akin: I think we saw it coming. We talk about it a lot, even till now. There is so much love and our lives are so intertwined, but it doesn’t erase the other responsibilities that we have. We respect each other’s beliefs. Yes, we have found a common ground despite our religious differences, but that’s just the two of us. What happens when the children come? We are responsible to them, after all. And faith is a vital part of that responsibility.
Angel: I want my children to be Christian, and from his family, they believe it’s a given that his kids would follow his faith and be Muslims. My faith is at the base of a lot that I do, so how do I remove that when raising kids? Will they be confused? So many questions.
Yes, you can give children what to believe in, but you can’t predict how they will turn out. But there is a bedrock I am supposed to be responsible for.
He’s perfect the way he is. I have no intentions of changing or converting him.
Akin: I have met her parents, and they love me. And she has met some of my family members too.
Angel: Funny story. After my mother met him just as a close friend, she called me and asked, “What’s going on between you and Akin?” I know what she meant, so I answered and said, “Ah ah, mummy, you know he’s Muslim, right?” I was vague and kept one ear open to see how she would react.
And she said, “Good. Let’s not get carried away.”
Omo.
Akin: It is tough. My family thinks we are not serious. They love us together, and they expect that she should just surrender for peace to reign. These are some of the practicalities she’s concerned about.
Angel: This is one of the things I’m worried about too: the community I am likely to lose once I marry out of my faith. What a Muslim-Christian marriage union would mean, going forward in a society like ours.
Why isn’t converting an option for either of you?
Akin: Neither of us cares to convert. We love each other, and we respect the faiths we profess.
Angel: He’s perfect the way he is. I have no intentions of changing or converting him.
So what next?
Akin: After an incredible relationship (especially Part 2), we have decided to let each other go. It’s tough, but I think it’s necessary pain. We call it “decoupling.”
Decoupling? That’s new…
Angel: We have decided to detach from each other slowly, rather than abruptly. An abrupt and total break-up cannot work. We are too interconnected to try that forceful method of detachment.
Akin: Think of it as trying to erase something gradually. We try to carry on with our lives separately, attempting to undo everything. We have tried seeing other people, for instance.
How has that worked out?
Angel: I’ll be honest. It doesn’t feel right. I find myself unconsciously holding other men up to his standard. Talk about physical attraction or intellectual connection, he is like the blueprint.
Akin: I have gone on dates, but I never follow up. Angel is the standard for me. She checks all the boxes. Even her hugs are different.
Angel: Yours too. I mean, they’re friendly hugs, because we’re trying to decouple, but the hugs feel different. And yes, I also admit that I get slightly jealous when I hear that he’s with other people.
Akin: Slightly?
Angel:Please.
Akin: One time, we were supposed to meet up, and I kept her waiting for like two hours because I had a female guest who refused to leave on time. She is a purely platonic friend, but she would not go home on time. When I eventually got to Angel and told her, you need to see the way she raked for me.
LMAO.
Angel: In my defense, he didn’t call me to inform me that he would be late. I was worried about him not knowing that our friend here was with a woman. Thank God I didn’t drive to his place to check up on him. I would have been so hurt.
Akin: In all, we have each other’s back. I know it’s cliché, but she’s the yin to my yang. She completes me.
Angel: Perhaps one day I’ll grow older and realise that the things I consider so important do not matter. Or perhaps we’ll find other people that are right for us and know how to love us the way we want. Everything will work together for our good and that’s what I keep holding out hope for.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Were Made For Each Other
Uwem, 33, and Blessing, 27, have been together since 2010. For today’s Love Life, they talk about transitioning from being close friends to lovers and eventually getting married.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Blessing: Well, Uwem was annoying when we first met.
Uwem: Geez!
Blessing: Oya, tell me what you remember.
Uwem: The first time I saw her, we were at rehearsals. We were in the same dance group at Covenant University. You know Covenant University has many rules and breaking any of them is trouble. In our dance group, there was this gist of a girl that reported an issue that got another lady punished. I took the person’s side, because obviously, I had not met Blessing.
Blessing: Can you stop telling this story like this? I did not snitch.
Uwem: People were talking about it, and I wanted to know who they were talking about. Someone pointed her out to me as the person. That was my first memory of her, but then her ex introduced her to me because we used to be in the same dance group. I used to be everyone’s daddy — someone people felt comfortable talking to about anything. That’s what I remember.
Blessing: Hewasn’t my school daddy for the record. He was just a daddy to everybody. Let me explain that story to you. I was the floor rep which means I had to monitor the activities of people living on my floor. The lady was on my floor, and she broke one of the rules. Her roommate reported her to the school authorities, but somehow I got accused because I was the floor rep. The whole thing was weird because the girl and I are cool.
When Uwem heard that gist, he didn’t know me, so it was easy for him to believe it but when we finally met, he realised I wasn’t that person.
The guy Uwem was talking about wasn’t my boyfriend yet, but he wanted to date me. He was also from the opposite dance group. He came to tell Uwem, our dance group daddy, that there was this girl he liked and wanted to talk to, which was me. That was how we all started talking — me, him, Uwem. Uwem’s ex-girlfriend was also there. He found out that I was cool, smart, interesting, fun…
Uwem: Hype yourself oh.
Blessing: Yup. After that day, every time we saw each other, we would just hang out and gist. We became each other’s confidant. He would tell me about the problems he was experiencing in his relationship at the time, and I would tell him about mine.
We moved to Yahoo Messenger and began chatting. His girlfriend broke up with him, we kept chatting. My boyfriend broke up with me, we kept chatting. He went back to his girlfriend, we kept chatting. We tried hooking each other up with other people, didn’t work out, but we kept chatting. We chatted for a really long time sha.
And during all this time, you people were not dating?
Blessing: It’s difficult to believe, but we were friends and never had any romantic feelings for each other. We just thought, “This person gets me.”
Uwem: My guy…
Blessing: Yeah. This was something most of my guy friends in school, even outside school called me. It annoyed me because I am a babe, but they were comfortable having “guy” conversations with me.
Uwem: You need to add that you had very few female friends.
Blessing: Thatdoesn’t give you people the right to guy-zone me. I knew it was easy to talk to me. We could talk about football, Naruto and actual rubbish. They would share their problems with me, and I would give them advice. That’s how Uwem and I were. We were so close that our partners were always freaking out about our closeness.
How did you people make the transition from being just guys to being in a romantic relationship?
Uwem: It was awkward at first because when you involve emotions in friendships, little things that used to be overlooked become issues, whether or not it’s a problem.
Blessing: You are such a philosopher. How did you start liking me?
Uwem: I’m getting there. The shift happened at a dinner. It was 2016, and I was leading the Tony Elumelu Entrepreneurship Programme. The CEO then, Parminder Vir, invited me to a dinner and asked me to bring my significant other. Nobody in my office knew Blessing then. It was a top-notch event with important people. Sometime during the dinner, a conversation about Africa’s business development started and Blessing was just sharing her two cents with these people. These were people I revered, but Blessing was engaging them and it was fun.
That night when we got home, I asked myself, “What exactly is your plan with Blessing?” She is a rare combination of many things — she’s beautiful, street-smart and book-smart. That night, I asked her out. I thought she said yes because a big part of me wanted it to be yes but this naughty girl said she was going to think about it — I didn’t hear her. For a whole month, I thought I was dating her, meanwhile, I was dating myself. After one month, I sent her a happy anniversary message and this babe said, “Oh, we are dating?” LOL.
How did you guys move from dating to getting married?
Uwem: We dated about three years. I’m the kind of person that likes to build relationships that have end goals. My goal was to build a family made of me and her, build an empire and all that with her. One day I was like, “Why am I wasting my time when I can just propose to this babe?” During this time, Blessing was saying she didn’t want to get married. She wanted a partnership but not a marriage. She told everyone I was her partner, but I wanted something more deliberate.
So I spent about a month planning to propose to her. It was July 2018, I got us a private cinema and lied to her that we were planning a company retreat at my office and I wanted her opinion of the cinema experience. I made a short video of all the good times we’ve had together — like our trips to a number of countries and good times we’ve had together.
I invited some of our closest friends and her sister. We were just eight because I knew Blessing would like something small. Blessing was particularly difficult that evening. She wanted to wear shorts and slippers because we were supposed to be going to see a movie. Her friends were telling her to wear makeup and she asked if they were going for the Grammys. LOL. It was as if the devil was pushing her that day. Eventually, she wore something nice but still casual. At the cinema and just before the movie, she was surprised to see me on screen talking about how much I loved her, and when she turned to ask me what was going on, I knelt down and asked her to marry me. I felt like if I didn’t hold her, she would have run out of the cinema, but she said yes.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Uwem: The fact that we can talk to each other.
Blessing: Yes, it’s the friendship for me. When I moved to Lagos, he was the only person I was comfortable talking to about my plans. I talk a lot, but I’m not great at sharing the important stuff. So when we started dating, I was worried that we would lose the friendship. We didn’t exactly know how to navigate that. We had to have a conversation about whether we were going to continue as friends or as lovers.
Uwem: Because our first fight happened when we started dating.
Blessing: Yup, so we decided that no matter what, we would keep the friendship. So far, I think we’ve done a good job.
Uwem: Even though you are annoying.
Blessing: You are the most annoying person in the world but I choose you. We recently agreed on a pact that no matter what, we would cuddle through the night. This is because when I’m annoyed with someone, I can’t stand being around them. I could be in the same room with them, but I can’t talk to them. I feel like that would be pretending we are fine but I also suck at malice. So when he is calling me baby, I’m like, who is your baby? But now, we’ve decided to cuddle it out even when it’s uncomfortable. I think it has helped our fights because after cuddling, we might as well just talk about it.
What was your biggest fight about?
Uwem: It has to be the couch.
Blessing: After Uwem proposed, we decided to move in together, so we got a house. We were doing marriage counselling at this time. Before counselling, we thought we were great at communicating with each other, but counselling helped us see that we weren’t finishing our conversations, which means we both leave conversations with assumptions.
A good example was the couch. We both wanted a sectional couch as the centrepiece of the living room, but nobody was specific about what kind of sectional they wanted. So when it was time to buy it, I showed him a minimalist couch that you can’t lie on because I really didn’t want people lying down on my couch, but Uwem wanted a thick sectional couch that was comfortable enough for sleeping. We eventually convinced each other that the other person’s couch might be a better choice. By the time, it was time to buy it, we had reversed roles — Uwem wanted the minimalist couch and I wanted the thick one. That started another round of arguments.
We also had these artisans who were working on the house. I don’t know how to pretend something is okay when it isn’t, so when these artisans make something off my specifications, I won’t manage it and I would deduct money for what I’m supposed to pay. Uwem will be like, don’t worry, we can manage it, but after a while, he will start complaining about the same thing.
There was a lot of tension around moving in, and at some point, I said I’m not doing again. Now, it sounds trivial, but then it felt like he wasn’t sensitive to how I was feeling and I wasn’t sensitive to him as well. We thought maybe we would have worked better if we were just friends. We went to tell our counsellor, and he laughed at us. He explained that we’re not finishing our conversations. He advised at the end of any conversation, we should ask each other what decisions we have made based on the conversation and the next steps to be taken.
He also helped us realise that we were reflecting our love languages on each other. I like acts of service and Uwem likes quality time, so he would be spending time with me when that’s not what I want. I don’t want you to sit down with me in the kitchen — I want you to relieve some of the burden by washing plates while I’m cooking so I will finish faster. It was a learning moment for both of us and Uwem is so supportive, gosh! I love it.
What is your favourite thing about each other?
Uwem: I love that Blessing questions the norm. I am a non-confrontational person, so it can be annoying when she gets contrarian, but it’s something I really like about her. I also think she has a good heart. An example is one time, we bought some electric products from a shop. When we got home, Blessing realised that we were undercharged and she made sure we went back to pay for the product. I remember thinking we had spent all our money buying these things and maybe this was God’s gift to us, but Blessing pushed until we went back and paid for it. That made me like her more. Plus, she’s good company.
Blessing: My favourite thing about Uwem is his quest for knowledge. He always wants to know what’s happening. There’s barely anything you ask him about that he doesn’t know at least one thing about it. Even when he doesn’t know, he’s always trying to research and find out.
I also like how he treats people. He respects people before he even knows them. In all, I love how he treats me. It sounds selfish, but he treats me really well. When he tries to be defensive, he always comes back to me to say, “Babe, it’s both of us in this relationship, both of us against the fight or whatever challenge we’re having.” That friendship is priceless.
What are your future plans together?
Blessing: We are trying to build assets. We have my money, his money and our money. We have the same structure for our savings, our investments and asset building. We’re focused on building assets as a couple and improving our relationship with each other.
Uwem: And having more experiences together.
Rate your relationship on a scale of one to 10 and why?
Uwem: 10!We joke about this when we are cuddling sometimes. I feel like she was made for me. We are not perfect because I have my issues and she has hers, but when we come together, everything works out. Sometimes I wonder why I am with this troublesome person, but at the end of the day, she’s the best person for me. I said this in my vows — she makes me a better person.
Blessing: Same for me. I like that we are not trying to force each other to be something else. We take each other as we are.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Opening Our Marriage Felt Natural
Charles*, 31, and Rukky*, 30, have been together for a little over a decade. For today’s Love Life, they talk about opening their marriage, dating other people as a unit and why communication is the most important thing.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Rukky: This was around 2009. We were in the same faculty and had mutual friends, so we always ran into each other. The day I noticed that I liked him, however, was when I tagged along with a friend to his place.
We talked for a bit about a bunch of different topics, and I just found him interesting.
Charles: One of my friends invited me to a birthday party, and Rukky came with another of our friends. We started talking then, but apparently, she don dey eye me since. This is the story I’m sticking to.
Wait. These are two different scenarios.
Charles: LMAO. Yes. She had come to my house a day or two before the birthday party, but I didn’t really notice her. You know this thing where you see your guy with a chick, but you don’t really see her? Like, she’s just another bro? Yeah.
When did you stop seeing her as “just another bro”?
Rukky: When he gave me penis. LOL.
Charles: LMAO. One day, I saw her outside, and she looked so hot. Her legs just kept going and going and going — they seemed to go on forever. I spent about 30 seconds gawking at her, and that’s when I stopped seeing her as a bro.
I knew I wanted to be all up in her guts.
LMAO. What happened next?
Charles: I had to make sure we were on the same page. Thankfully, she was feeling the boy already. The next thing I did was to talk to the guy I met her with. I didn’t want it to seem like I snatched his babe, so I went to him as a man.
He said they were just friends, and it was fine for me to toast; something I had already started doing.
Rukky: Since we always ran into each other, I never made concrete plans to see him; I just knew I would. Then we started chatting on Facebook regularly and hanging out at events. We just kept spending more and more time together.
When were feelings caught?
Charles: I’m not sure. We both came into this not wanting anything serious; it was just meant to be fun. Once her neighbours in the hostel knew my name, we knew it was getting serious.
We were spending more time together than apart. She said she loved me for the first time while we were having sex, but I ignored it. You can’t trust anything a woman says while getting pipe.
Well, it turns out she was serious. It took me a bit longer to get there despite having the same feelings. Moving away from the “We’re just having fun” mindset into an “I love you” one was hard.
Rukky: I didn’t plan to put any expectations on him, but I also needed him to know that my feelings were getting strong; I could see that his were too. So, I wanted to know if it was what I thought or if I’d need to begin curbing my feelings.
Even if he didn’t feel the same, I was ready to remain friends. I just needed to know.
When did it become official?
Charles: The minute I said, “I love you.” You don’t say that kind of thing and then act like you’re not dating. I sort of feel bad I never asked her out officially. I feel like we let many of our relationship milestones happen organically.
No big “Be my girlfriend” or “Be my wife” speech. She is against big shows.
Rukky: That’s why I love our relationship. Everything has been effortless.
How long did you date before you got married?
Charles: For about six years. We moved in together very early though.
What was dating like?
Rukky: It was like hanging out with my best friend all the time. We had so much fun, and even the not-so-fun times were spent together. We helped each other through everything, and we were always there for each other.
Sometimes, I don’t blame our families for the way they reacted to us.
How did they react?
Rukky: I think they felt we were too intense. They still feel that way. We were in our little bubble, and they felt left out. I see how that kind of dynamic could go very wrong, but in our case, it went right.
Charles: Yeah. I mean, try introducing a woman to your mother for the first time with the line: “This one is going to be my wife.” It was shock and one million questions about tribe and all of that. I’m a stubborn goat, so I shut that down really early.
Our parents say we’re not really married, we’re just friends living together.
Rukky: LMAO. We still do everything together — the same way we did as boyfriend and girlfriend. I get why it worried them. It’s like giving birth and 25 years later, you somehow see your single kid as a conjoined twin.
It might be why we find it easy to handle more people. We are essentially one unit.
Charles: Wow. I never thought about it like that. You see why I married you, smarty pants.
Wait. What do you mean by “handle more people”?
Rukky: Our marriage is open, so handling more people in our relationship.
Oh? What’s that like?
Charles: It’s not open in the way most people immediately think. Yes, you can sleep with other people, but you have to have a conversation about the person first. The other partner has to be completely fine with it for it to happen.
Interesting. When did you decide to open your relationship?
Charles: Hard to say. As with most things in our relationship, it happened organically. It developed from honest conversations about the people we fancied and our confidence in our relationship.
Rukky: It was probably within the first few years. Around that time, I was owning my bisexuality, and he was willing to follow me on that journey. It kind of evolved from that into an open relationship.
Rukky, tell me about the journey of owning your bisexuality?
Rukky: So, I’ve always known I like men and women, but I thought I had to choose one. I chose men. I still felt the attraction to women, but I thought I couldn’t pursue that. With Charles, I found that I could.
I started letting myself appreciate the bodies of women. I would beg Charles to gist with women I found attractive so he could find out if they swung that way. Sometimes they agreed, sometimes they didn’t.
It took me a while to get comfortable with sleeping with women. The first woman I ever slept with was with Charles in a threesome. I’ve grown since then, and I’ve had different kinds of relationships with women, but they’re usually with Charles.
Charles: Yeah. Threesomes made the option of opening our marriage palatable. They were a way for us to understand the dynamic. Funnily enough, I think we’re both lowkey still in love with the first babe we had a threesome with.
LMAO. Really?
Charles: Yeah. We’re friends. We hang out whenever we can, but it’s not a relationship.
So, there have been relationships with other people?
Rukky: Yeah. We are dating someone right now — it’s lasted for over a year.
Charles: The plan was just to have a threesome oh, and we ended up in a relationship. LMAO. This is becoming a thing in my life. I start off wanting to just get laid and end up in a long-term relationship.
How does having a third partner in the marriage work?
Charles: It’s definitely different. You know, it’s one more person. We have to make her feel like an active member of the relationship, even though we don’t see her as much as we’d like — she lives in a different city.
So, it’s about communication, lots of communication. All the time.
Rukky: It’s been really good though.
Have you dated anyone else?
Rukky:Not really. This has been our longest and most intentional relationship.
Charles: Yeah. The others didn’t really count as dating.
Do you always sleep with other people as a unit?
Charles: Not always, but that’s mostly the case. The preference is sleeping with people together, but once in a while, I meet a woman that’s as straight as an arrow. Then I have to decide whether I want to sleep with her alone or not at all.
The answer is usually not at all, but there have been exceptions.
Rukky: I prefer when we do it as a unit. It’s easier, and to be honest, more enjoyable.
What’s the hardest thing about being open?
Charles: In the beginning, it was jealousy for sure. Talking to your partner about sleeping with another person is not easy. There was some initial awkwardness on my part.
Even with some of those bumps in the road, one thing that remained constant was communication. I truly believe that once the communication is steady, you can work through anything.
Rukky: Yeah. We took it one step at a time. We talked at every stage and constantly checked in with each other. Plus, we remain accountable to ourselves and each other. That has helped a lot.
How has this dynamic affected your marriage?
Charles: It has made the relationship more loving and honest. We can separate sex with other people from the relationship we have. What’s important is our marriage and that it stands the test of time.
Rukky: Communication is so much more important to us, and that’s helped us become closer, which I didn’t think was possible. We understand each other a lot better, and I hope we continue understanding each other.
What about fights? Have there been any?
Charles: It’s mostly about Rukky feeling excluded. I’m more hands-on with our women, so it often feels like I have a better relationship with them — like, we have a deeper bond that is independent of her. It’s not something I agree with, but I understand it.
Rukky isn’t really about social media, and that’s how you keep in touch with people these days. So, I tend to communicate with our women more often, which contributes to how those relationships evolve.
To make her feel more included, we ensure we discuss everything.
Rukky: Exactly.Whenever there is an issue, we discuss it. If anyone does something the other doesn’t like, we talk about it. We rarely fight because we endeavour to be honest, and it’s usually easier to sort things out when the truth is on the table.
I deal with feeling excluded on a case by case basis, but mostly, I talk to him about it and trust in what we have.
What do you love the most about each other?
Charles: If I say she has a fat ass now, you’ll say I’m being silly. But seriously, she is a great human being. She sees the world with child-like wonder, admiration and hope. Her mere presence makes the worst days so much better.
Rukky: I love everything about him, but if I had to pick one thing, it would be his open-mindedness. I wasn’t sure I’d find anyone, besides my family, that was truly open-minded. Then I found him, and now, we are family.
He also has the ability to further open your mind. Being with him is like visiting a new city.
That’s so sweet. How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Rukky: If I say 100, this man will call me an illiterate, so I’ll say 9 on the bad days and 10 on the good.
Charles: I’ll give it a9 because, as a Nigerian professor would say, 10 is for God. And also, you need to have something to aim for.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Fell In Love While Cheating With Each Other
Farida*, 27, and Favour*, 28, have been together for one year. For today’s Love Life, they talk about cheating on their ex-partners with each other as a form of self-care and eventually falling in love.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Favour: My partner at the time told me about a queer person on her timeline, so I checked out her Twitter page. She was wearing this blue dress and had a big afro.
Farida: LOL.
Favour: I remember na. That your big afro.
Farida, what was your earliest memory of Favour?
Farida: Ironically, my partner also mentioned her to me. I saw her tweet and followed it to her page. I liked her tweets and display picture. She was wearing a black T-shirt and black jeans.
She had this boss babe vibe, but I didn’t have any attraction towards her then. I was just trying to find more queer women around me at that time, so it was nice to find her.
Do you remember your first conversation?
Favour: Our mutual friend introduced us to each other. She gave her my number and gave me hers. Farida texted me a few days later. I don’t even remember what she said.
Weren’t both of you in relationships? Why was your friend linking you up?
Favour: I was in a particularly miserable relationship, and I decided to step out for self-care. I wanted to do stuff with other people, so I reached out to my friend, Tomi* and I was like, “Sis, I want to cheat.”
Tomi said she was going to spread the word. That was how she went to Farida.
Farida: When Tomi came to me, she asked if I knew any single babe that would like to be a side chick. A week before that conversation, I found out my partner was cheating on me. She was texting like three people. I was devastated. I didn’t know how to react.
I thought our relationship was perfect, and we were going to end up together. For the first time in my life, I considered staying with a cheating partner, even though I planned to do my own back.
So when Tomi came to me, I was like, “Me too, I am looking for side chick.” That was how I texted her, “Hey, I’m here oh.”
Oh wow.
Favour: We even had a name for it — cheating as self-care. LMAO.
Farida: We just wanted to cheat and return to our lives. I didn’t think I would be able to start over with someone new.
How did you now end up in a relationship?
Favour: We played ourselves to be honest. The idea was that we would have sex and keep it pushing, but the problem started when we kept texting each other for two months before meeting physically.
Farida: It was during the lockdown, so we couldn’t see each other for a while.
Favour: Yeah. After the first hookup, we went back to our individual lives, but we discovered that we lived close to each other. So, we started hanging out — not to have sex, just vibe. She would come to my place, and we would watch movies.
We would talk about our partners being bastards and laugh. We love laughing. It helped us stay sane, but we were supposed to be cheating. Why are you coming to chill in someone’s house you were only supposed to be having sex with?
We even celebrated a monthiversary.
Farida: Who celebrates a monthiversary? LMAO. It was elaborate. I got a customised card with our pictures on it.
Favour: I am grand as fuck. I did a whole presentation. No jokes. It had pictures and music.
Are you sure you weren’t already in a relationship by this time?
Farida: LOL. Nope. We were celebrating a month of finally meeting up physically and having sex.
Favour: LOL. It was a grand event. The smart TV was playing the presentation with music. There were balloons too. I set up the lighting. It was a good production.
For two people who were supposed to be cheating, you can see that we don’t really have sense. Anyways, around that time, we went on a date. I’ll let Farida tell you about the caveat.
Farida: Our first hangout was at a hotel because we had only talked about having sex. We spent the evening laughing at our silly jokes. We only had sex at the end to fulfil all righteousness. It was good sex, but it wasn’t our best.
The next time we saw, she asked me to come over to the island where she had a project she was working on. She wanted us to have a proper date. LOL. We were planning dates. I don’t know who thinks like that.
I got to the restaurant — it was a nice space with a beautiful view of the ocean. After that, she decided to take us on a boat cruise. We did a little shopping at the supermarket before the trip. We bought champagne and food, ready for a nice time.
Favour: The boat cruise was really nice.
Farida: It was awesome. She rented the boat for two hours. It was just us on the boat. When we got to Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge, we told the driver to stop so we could take a kissing picture in front of the bridge. It was cool.
Afterwards, we started to hang out more, but it was like we had forgotten the sex part of our deal. We enjoyed each other’s company a lot. I don’t think we had sex again until we started dating.
That’s interesting.
Favour: She even took me to my first protest.
Farida: Yes. There was this protest against sexual violence. She told me she had never been to a protest.
Favour: Because things can go south.
Farida: I live for protests. I was surprised that she had never been to one. We live in this Nigeria, in this world, where everything is crazy. So I took her to the first one.
Wait. Where were your partners at this point?
Favour: Two months into my thing with Farida, I broke up with my partner. Farida was still in a relationship, but I asked her to come with me on a getaway. So, we went to a beach house for a weekend. It was a wonderful experience for us.
We ended up spending about 4 days there. We talked about everything. That was when I told her that I wanted to be with her. We had deep conversations. I told her about my fears, the things I was going through and what I wanted. She told me hers as well.
We stayed away from everything else, everyone else. It’s one of my favourite memories of us. We had so much fun. We swam. We were almost in a music video. LMAO. Then I rented out a cinema, so we could watch a movie together.
Na wa oh.
Favour: I know right. At this point, she was lying that she was not falling in love oh. Lori Iro. Iro Kpo.
Farida: Don’t mind this woman, please. I am a principled person, so I was like, “We started this thing to cheat, why are we falling in love?” When she invited me on the getaway, I was happy because I needed to clear my head too.
My relationship wasn’t getting any better. I couldn’t move on from the cheating thing with my partner. So the beach house was a chance to talk about these things. At some point, we were crying. It was a healing experience to be honest.
If we remembered the world, it was probably because of work. I think that’s when I began to love her.
Favour: Please, say it again, let them hear.
Farida: LMAO. She asked me to be her partner, but I wasn’t in that space yet. I was trying to work things out with my partner, who I had been with for one year. I had lived my life around this person.
I was used to doing stuff like picking her up — I would leave the mainland to Ikoyi to pick her up from work. I had a routine. I felt like I had planned my life enough for it not to go down the drain just like that. I wasn’t so quick to leave my ex for Favour.
Then someone reported us to our partners, and they came for us with guns blazing.
WAIT. WHAT?
Favour: We had been seeing each other for four months when this bastard reported us.
Farida: The Lagos queer community is so small — everybody knows everybody. This person was Favour’s friend but also a friend of my partner at the time.
Somehow, the friend found out that we were seeing each other and she immediately went to tell my partner to pay more attention to me because it looks like I was cheating on her. It opened a can of worms, but I denied it sha.
Favour: That period was crazy. They wanted us dead. LMAO.
Farida: After a while, I realised I was holding onto rubbish and that’s how we started dating.
What’s the best part of your relationship?
Favour: There are so many beautiful parts of our relationship. One of my favorites is that we are good friends. We are also kind to each other. I particularly like how she genuinely cares about me.
I do a lot of work every day — I wake up by my laptop at 7 am and remain there till about 10 pm. She asks if I’m okay. She brings me juice to help me relax. She does cute things like that even when we are fighting. Another thing I love about us is our cat.
Farida: I love that she said it already. I love that we are friends and that we are really supportive of each other. When I’m going through anything, I know I can come to her to be loved and reassured. It’s something I wanted in a relationship, and it’s nice to have it. She’s a softy. It’s refreshing being with her.
Aww. What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Farida: I like how she makes people feel. She could come into a room full of strangers and while everybody is keeping to themselves because they are strangers, she would go round the room to make everyone feel good.
One encounter with her can make you feel like you’ve known her for ages. She would know that you have two kids or that you have a sick mom. She lights up every room she enters. It’s amazing to watch.
Favour: Myfavourite thing about her is that she’s a voltron. If you have enemies, call her. She will fight them for you. I really like how fierce she is about me, about us. I’ve never felt that way before, like nobody is that concerned about me.
I have always been the saviour in my past relationships. I’ve never had someone that could take bullets for me. Sometimes it gives me courage. I legit say, I’ll tell my partner for you, when someone annoys me. I like how she’s focused is on her goals.
She goes out of her way to help even when it has nothing to do with her. There was a point when I was feeling like I wasn’t doing my best work, she came up with helpful solutions. It kind of helped me get my head back in the game.
That’s so sweet. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Favour: A solid 10. It’s the kindest relationship I’ve been in. She doesn’t make me less than I am or try to take advantage of me. 10/10, I recommend.
Farida: 10 because this is the most attentive partner I have been with. I had a major exam that took a toll on me, and she was so supportive. She would leave work and bring food for me. It was so sweet because I don’t have a lot of friends.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: When You Know, You Just Know
Chuba, 32, and Mohini, 27, have been together for over five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about realising they were perfect for each other, coming back from multiple breakups and navigating long distance.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Mohini: It was in 2014. Chuba had written this brilliant, demystifying series about Economics. In my IGCSE, that was the only subject I got a C in, so it was mind-blowing that someone could write about the subject, and I’d enjoy reading it.
I tweeted at him, praising his work, and he responded. We didn’t really talk properly until a year later.
Chuba: I remember getting that notification and thinking she had such a beautiful smile.
Then why did it take a year for you guys to start talking?
Mohini: I wasn’t thinking about anything romantic at that time. I followed him on Twitter and read more of his work. For me, that was it. He was also dating someone at the time.
Chuba: LMAO. Yeah, I was kind of in a relationship, so there was no romantic inclination. I was just glad to see someone openly grateful for something I had written.
So, what made you guys start talking properly?
Chuba: My mum was speaking at an event in 2015, so I showed up to see her. At the entrance, I spotted Mohini — I immediately recognised her smile. I went over to say hi and complimented her beautiful smile.
Mohini: I wasn’t even meant to be at that event. My housemate, who’s a photographer, had gone to shoot it, but he forgot his flash at home. He called me to bring it for him, and while I was annoyed about having to go from Yaba to VI, I did it.
I ended up shooting with him as well. I was doing that when Chuba walked up to me. I remember him complimenting my smile because it made me smile even more. After that, we all went into the hall for the event.
Chuba: The entire time, I knew I wanted to talk to her some more. At this point, I was single, so after the event, I walked right up to her and asked, “Are you single or in a relationship?” I’d never done anything like that before, but it was a gut instinct.
Ah. That’s bold. How did she react?
Chuba: LMAO. She just smiled, but she was clearly surprised by the question. So, I took out my business card, handed it to her and said, “You don’t have to tell me now. Just call or text whenever you have an answer.” I didn’t even ask for her number.
Mohini: I was in this circle of guys when Chuba came up to me, and I even had a crush on one of the guys. Imagine the irony. Anyway, the question left me speechless — it was so bold and direct. That was the moment the seed was planted.
Chuba: Well, she didn’t actually call or text. She swears she was going to, but to be fair, we ran into each other at another event two days later. She walked over to talk to me, and we had such a great conversation. That was when she told me she was single.
By the end of the night, I had introduced her to all my friends as my “bae-in-faith”. My mum was also speaking at that event, and when she was done, I introduced her to my mum as well. I had never done that before; I just knew she was the one.
Wow. That’s so cute. Mohini, how did you feel about all of this?
Mohini: I don’t remember what we talked about that night, but I remember laughing like an idiot. I didn’t take the whole “bae-in-faith” thing seriously until he introduced me to his mum. I was wowed.
His mum even corroborated his statement that he had never introduced anyone to her like that. Then she gave me such a warm hug in her motherly bosom, and the rest is history.
I’m totally stealing “bae-in-faith”. So, when were feelings caught?
Chuba: For me, it was from the beginning. Then the conversation we had the second time we met was so smooth — it felt like we’d known each other for the longest time. That evening, she sent me a WhatsApp message, and we texted until 3 a.m.
Mohini: On my end, I think feelings were beginning to be caught the second time we met. What’s funny is that we became official seven days after that. As they say, when you know, you know.
LMAO. What? How did it become official?
Mohini: We attended the EatDrinkLagos festival together, and one of Chuba’s friends, who was a vendor there, asked if I was his girlfriend. He turned to me and asked, “Are you my girlfriend?” I said, “Yes now.” That was it. We wasted no time.
Chuba: Before the festival, she had asked me to go for a walk with her on the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge. I love walks, so I was excited that she had suggested it before even knowing that about me. That was when it dawned on me that there was something here.
Mo, you didn’t mention that you broke up with me a week after it became official.
EXCUSE ME?
Mohini: LOL.
Chuba: LMAO. We’ve had multiple breakups oh. That was just the first.
Mohini, speak oh.
Mohini: Oh dear. Chuba, help me. LOL. Why did I even break up with him the first time? I think it just felt like a lot. For context, this is my first real relationship. He was very upfront with his intentions, and I think that scared me a little.
Our breakups never lasted though. Chuba, do you remember the longest one?
Chuba: Less than a week.
Wait. How many breakups have there been and what were the reasons?
Mohini: Somewhere between 5 and 10. Probably closer to 5 though.
Chuba: I think the breakups revolved around one particular reason: my faith. Around that time, I was still on my self-discovery path, trying to figure out what I believed in, or if I even believed in anything at all.
You know, when you’re dealing with Nigerian women who have been socialised to want a God-fearing man, finding out their guy is still figuring that stuff out is the last thing they want to hear.
I think her main worry was that we wouldn’t be spiritually aligned. Over the years, that has changed. We’re now more spiritually aligned than ever.
Wait. Does this mean you’re now more God-fearing or Mohini is less?
Mohini: LOL.
Chuba: LMAO.I’m more God-loving. I don’t subscribe to fear.
I need that on a shirt. Mohini, do you think you’d have stayed if Chuba’s relationship with God didn’t change?
Mohini. Hmm. I’ve never thought about that.I feel like the thing that kept me coming back, aside from Chuba being an amazing, brilliant, loving and kind individual, is the fact that he just always challenges himself to grow.
Still, I think I had already committed before I even knew he would evolve. Maybe I subconsciously knew it was in his DNA to change, but I was committed before the change happened. I don’t think I would have uncommitted.
I remember one of our early hangouts at Freedom Park. We were having a conversation, and I told him, “I think I may have met my husband.” This was after he had told me where he stood, so, yeah, I doubt I’d have gone anywhere.
That being said, I’m glad we now share a common spiritual language.
Was there a moment that made you realise you had fully fallen in love?
Mohini: I can’t point to a specific moment. It was all the different little pieces clicking into place.
Chuba: Man, I feel like I was already gone since our second meeting, but if there’s any moment that truly stands out to me, it would be when she tried to propose to me. I was like, “This person is 100% different.”
Sorry. What? Mohini, please, you have the floor.
Mohini. LOL. I definitely tried to propose. I bought bracelets, one was a compass and the other was an anchor, and they were meant to symbolise the roles we play in each other’s lives.
At the time, I thought I was ready, and I knew it would be a “Yes” from him. Duh. Anyway, I ended up losing my nerve and didn’t go through with it. I’ll let Chuba tell the rest of that story.
Chuba: LMAO. I remember coming out of the shower and seeing Mo standing in the middle of my room, crying. Then she told me she was planning to propose because she thought she was ready, and I just burst out laughing.
I thought it was sweet and funny. I didn’t see it coming at all. She is usually the one that alternates between certainty and uncertainty, and I’m the one that has been sure since day one. So, that she even considered it was a big deal to me.
I actually didn’t think she was ready at the time, so I was fine with her deciding not to.
So, who ended up proposing?
Chuba: I did in 2019.
Mohini: He did it on our anniversary.
Chuba: Yeah. This was about two years after her attempt. I know that sounds like a long time, but I wanted to make sure we were ready. We were both transitioning in our careers, and I wanted us to be more focused when it happened.
A lot of men propose to women without considering whether they are at the right place in their lives to take on something as serious as marriage, especially when you consider that it changes a whole lot more for women than men.
So, I just wanted to make sure Mohini was stable before proposing.
That’s thoughtful. How has this relationship been so far?
Mohini: Life-changing is the word, and that’s not an understatement. Chuba is my partner in all things. He has a twin, so he knows what it feels like to have someone in your corner at all times. That’s who he is for me — my number one cheerleader.
We’ve both had to grow, in terms of emotional intelligence, temperament, consideration, empathy and love. We’ve basically been catalysts for change for each other. I’m a shy person, but he challenges me to go for what I want. I call him my partner in progress.
As great as it’s been, there have also been downs as well. There are times we’ve let our tempers get the best of us, especially in the early days. Thankfully, Chuba and his twin brother came up with a framework that helps us get through arguments a lot faster.
Chuba, what’s this magical framework? Let’s save some relationships.
Chuba: We call it the framework of intention. My brother and I designed it during the lockdown. We were gardening a lot, and we learned some lessons from nature. Those lessons became the framework, and it has just three steps.
The first step is “slow down”. You have to slow down when communicating so your reaction isn’t a knee jerk one. The second step is to “give gratitude”. For me, I ask myself, “What am I grateful for about this person?” It helps with balance.
Then the last step is “take responsibility”. Before pointing out what your partner hasn’t done right, take responsibility for the part you played in that disagreement, be vocal about it, and do better. We’ve found that these three steps have been instrumental in reducing the level of conflicts we have.
I love that. So, when you think about your future, what do you see?
Chuba: I see so much fun in our future. Mo and I know how to have fun anywhere. We enjoy each other’s company even if we’re just watching Netflix. I remember one of our Valentine’s Days was spent in the car, listening to music and vibing.
I’m really excited for us to go on trips together. I imagine that will be even more fun.
Mohini: For me, I seeAfrocentric jungle vibes. LOL. Let me explain. Chuba and I are creatives, and we are both in love with nature. So, in terms of the actual visuals, I see both of us half-naked in the forest — I would probably be wearing some leafy bikini.
Chuba: That leafy bikini though…
Mohini: LOL! Jokes aside, I imagine us doing most of what we currently do a lot more comfortably. So, instead of all the long-distance, we actually live together — have dinner together, do date nights and work at the dining table together.
I’m just looking forward to a lot more togetherness.
Oh? How much of this relationship has been long distance?
Chuba: Like half of it. I alternate between Abuja and Lagos.
Mohini: Our first year was together. Then he did about a year at Yale. Then he came back and moved to Abuja with his family, but he currently flies back and forth. So, for instance, since March last year, we’ve only seen each other for about 2 weeks.
That should change once we get married. We’re already looking for our own place.
Nice. What do you love the most about each other?
Chuba: Her energy. It’s the first thing I noticed about her. Mohini just has the most brilliant energy — it’s so bright and giving. A message from her always makes me happy. Hearing her talk makes me happy. Her energy is just great.
Mohini: I lovehis growth mindset and how responsive he is to me. He is so attentive and caring. He is also intentional about showing how much he cares. I love how he strives to grow and be better, which also inspires me.
I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t want more for themselves and the people around them — not in a greedy way, but in a “greater good” way. I also love how soft he is.
How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Chuba: A 9 because we are not yet married. Once we are married, it’s a 10. Maybe 11 even.
Mohini: I really want to give it a 10, and it’s not even to say that it’s perfect. I just like where we are, and I wouldn’t change anything about our journey. The only thing I would change is the long-distance, and even at that, it’s still solid.
So, maybe a 9. No, a 10. I don’t know. LOL.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Opening Up Our Relationship Helped Save It
Frank*, 27, and Gabriel*, 30, have been together for five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about navigating an open relationship, dealing with homophobia and their future plans.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Frank: LMAO.I remember he introduced me to the pop band, London Grammar. We first met on the yellow dating app — if you know, you know. We were chatting there for a while, then we moved to BBM.
Wait. How long have you two been together?
Frank: September will make it five years.
Wow. Gabriel, what was your earliest memory of Frank?
Gabriel: We had been chatting for a while, and we decided to meet up at the mall where I worked. That day, I saw this guy walking around the mall. He was backing me so I couldn’t see his face. I remember he was wearing a shirt and really short shorts.
I noticed him and thought, “Hmmm, this person looks good.”
Frank: Just say you wanted to grab my butt…
Gabriel: LMAO. Well, I was thinking, “This is a hot person.” Then I realised he was the one. I had no expectation of what he would look like. I didn’t know he would be as tall as I am, so I was pleasantly surprised.
Awww. Do you remember how you two started dating?
Frank: It’s a bit complicated. One day, during the talking stage, he came to my office and stumbled on my WhatsApp chat with someone I slept with. It didn’t occur to me then that it was someone he also knew and had slept with.
I noticed his mood change, but I didn’t know what happened until he got home and asked me if I slept with the person. I said yes, and I remember him being bothered. He asked, “Okay so, are we going too fast with this or…”
LOL. Gabriel, why are you being shy all of a sudden?
Gabriel: LOL. Nothing, I am just remembering what happened.
Frank: So that was it. It affected us a bit but eventually, we were able to move past that.
Gabriel, how did you feel during that time?
Gabriel: We were trying to set up our relationship and that happened, so I was confused. It bothered me. I was asking myself what is happening here.
Do you remember what you saw?
Gabriel: I can’t remember. The thing is we have access to each other’s phones, so it wasn’t like I was snooping around. It just happened. We had conversations about it and we decided to have an open relationship.
How does that work?
Gabriel: Basically, we are free to see other people and have sex with them. The rule is to always be honest with each other. I didn’t mind it at all, as long as both of us are happy. Things have been great since then.
NICE! Do you remember your biggest fight?
Gabriel: Hmm, there was a threat to our relationship.
How?
Gabriel: So, he slept with a very close friend of ours. I wasn’t expecting it at that time. LMAO.
Frank: I-
Gabriel: Just shut up. LOL. I felt betrayed because I expected him to know better. I mean, you could have anybody else. Why did you have to go for someone so close to home? That bothered me a lot. We moved past it as well.
The great thing about our relationship is that we talk a lot. There is nothing we can’t tell each other. We are always expressing our feelings every step of the way, even when it involves experiencing something new.
We always communicate our needs so the other party doesn’t feel blindsided. That is our greatest strength. Like, there is nothing we haven’t talked about, including people we want to sleep with.
Frank: Like when you told me that there was someone at that Christmas party you wanted to make out with?
Gabriel: YES!
How do you feel when your partner tells you he wants to hook up with someone else?
Frank: Honestly, at this point in our relationship, we have made peace with the fact that we have each other, whether there are other people or not. When he pointed that guy out to me at the party, I thought, “Oh fun!”
As a matter of fact, I think we made out with the same person that night.
LMAO!
Gabriel: LOL. It happens. I don’t feel jealous when he is making out or having sex with someone else. The basis of our relationship is that we understand each other and we are very secure in each other.
We are also willing to compromise and meet the other person in the middle.
Aww, do you two live together?
Frank: No, we don’t.
How often do you spend time with each other?
Frank: At the earliest part of the relationship, we were seeing each other almost every day. I would go to his workplace from my office, hang around until he was done. We would head to our respective homes from there.
Eventually, it changed to every weekend, but since corona happened, the visits have kinda dropped. We make up for that with WhatsApp messages and calls. Also, he occasionally tries to drag me to the beach.
Gabriel: We make time for each other. I try to see him at least once a week. I have changed jobs and houses since we first met, so the distance is more than it used to be. During the weekends, we go out or hang out with our friends.
What’s your favourite thing about the relationship?
Frank: For me, it is the freedom… not freedom to cheat oh…
LOL.
Frank: Not that kind of freedom. Before we started dating, I was always wondering if I was good enough for anyone. With him, it was different. He would encourage me to open up to him and be my freest self. Before him, I don’t remember the last time I went to the beach.
Aww. Gabriel, what about you?
Gabriel: My favourite thing is that I get to be myself. I can get goofy and very handsy. LOL. I love PDA, and he likes me like that.
Frank: I remember when we were still in the talking stage, and he just randomly asked me how I feel about PDA. I was like “Uhm, I don’t mind”. It was weird to me because, normally, when I put my arm around someone I am seeing, they go, “Ew, no”.
So when I told Gabriel I don’t mind, he started holding my hand in public.
Gabriel: I love PDA. If we were not in this country, I would kiss him on the streets.
Frank: I mean you kissed me at the beach.
Have you ever experienced negativity because you were being intimate in public?
Gabriel: *Sigh* Yes.
Frank: One day, we were both free from work, so we went to Tarkwa Bay. We had the beach to ourselves because it was a weekday. We were having fun playing in the water. I was struggling not to drown and he was holding me when I noticed two army men watching us.
When we came out of the water, one of them called me to come. I went over and he started asking personal questions like “Where do you stay?” and “Who is that guy to you?”
I said he’s my friend, and the man said, “Are you sure you don’t mean boyfriend?”. Then some kids there started making silly comments like, “Make una dey careful o, that one go burst your yansh o”.
Wow. Kids?
Frank: It’s not like it’s something we are not used to. We are fine.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Is this something that happens often?
Gabriel: Not really or maybe I don’t notice sha. I am not really concerned about them. It’s not like I overdo it. I just feel like if you can hug a straight man in public, then what’s different from hugging a gay man in public?
These are regular gestures, yet, queer people find them hard to do in public. I don’t care though.
Frank: I am usually the one that points these things to him.
Gabriel: Yeah
I am glad that you both are able to stay soft regardless. Do you have any future plans for your relationship?
Frank: Ah, there is a long list.
LMAO. Tell me about some things on the list.
Frank: Moving in together is the first step. I wouldn’t mind a different country either.
Gabriel: In a different country, I would marry him.
Frank: That one is already a given, like from the beginning.
Aww!
Gabriel: We are going to get cats and dogs.
Frank: I don’t mind kids either but Gabriel would rather be an uncle so, yes, pets.
Gabriel: Maybe relocate to abroad.
Frank: Maybe ke?
LMAO. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Frank: Go first. You know me, I will be extreme.
Gabriel: LOL. Realistically, 9.5 over 10.
Why?
Gabriel: I don’t have any issues with the relationship. I just removed that 0.5 because of human error.
LMAO. Frank, you?
Frank: That’s actually why I asked him to go first because I would easily say 10. Human error aside, being with him is the happiest I have ever been with anybody.
Gabriel: AWW!
God, when?
Frank: LOL. It’s true. I enjoy his company. I love that we can always talk about anything anytime. Sharing those little moments is basically all I live for. The other things are bonus especially if we were living in a different country.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We’re No Longer Together, But We’re Life Partners
Mezie*, 32, and Oge*, 31, went from friends to lovers to friends who occasionally have sex. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being life partners even though they know they can never get back together.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Mezie: It was at the national finals of a university competition. I was waiting to take the elevator in the hotel lobby, and when the doors opened, I saw her with her teammates. I noticed her because of her striking striped pants.
Oge: This was in 2009. I was repping my school, and he was repping his. A couple of us were going to get drinks at the end of the first day, and we somehow ended up in his room. According to him, I jumped on his bed and said, “Hi! How are you?”
I don’t remember doing that, but I don’t have an earlier memory, so let’s go with that.
What were your first impressions?
Oge: I can’t say he formed an impression that stuck at the competition, but we got to be Facebook friends after, and we just did not stop chatting. He is so intelligent, so we talked about everything, from philosophy to Igbo culture.
Mezie: Wow. Oge, so you’re saying when my team was beating yours, you weren’t looking at me? This was even before you came to my room. You were literally cutting me eye. Anyway, let’s leave that story.
For my first impression, I thought she was a bit too much. She was fun and bubbly, but it felt like she was trying to be the centre of attention. Then there was this other guy she was all over.
Oge: What? I wasn’t cutting you eyes, I was cutting eyes at the other Mezie — the one that looks like you. Then when I was looking for him on Facebook, I friended you instead. By the time I realised it was the wrong Mezie, we were already cool.
Mezie: Wow. This is the first time I’m hearing this. This interview is already bringing out the truth.
LMAO. Oops. So, when were feelings caught?
Oge: Somewhere in the middle of our Facebook conversations. I think people knew that we liked each other before we admitted it to ourselves. I was always commenting on his page, and he’d do the same.
Mezie: She used to comment on everything I did on Facebook, and that’s how I figured she liked me. I already knew that I liked her, but I didn’t know how to handle romantic situations at the time.
Oge: He still doesn’t.
Mezie: Ouch.
Who admitted to having feelings first?
Oge: He is going to say it’s him, but it’s a lie. It was around 2011. He moved to the north for NYSC, and I went to visit him. We made out a lot when I got there. As far as I’m concerned, that was me going, “Yo! I’m willing to risk my life just to see you.”
After that, he sent me an email that went, “I love you, and I hope it terrifies you as much as it terrifies me.”
Okay, poet.
Mezie: Wait! I sent that email or you sent that email? I’m actually confused now. Anyway, when she made that trip to see me, that’s when I knew she was a real one. I was sure I wanted us to be part of each other’s lives in a more concrete way.
That’s sweet and all, but who sent that email, abeg?
Oge: He sent it oh! Then he gave me the silent treatment until I called him.
Mezie: I’ll accept.
Oge: Which one is “I’ll accept”? Don’t make me pull out screenshots.
Mezie: LMAO. Fine. It’s true. I remember now. I actually thought I had the most amazing lines that year.
LMAO. So, what happened after the grand proclamation?
Mezie: As she said, she didn’t reply to it for a while, so I decided to lean back.
Oge: Love is a word that typically makes me run in the opposite direction, so I needed a few days to process it. Then I called him, and after explaining how the email had freaked me out, I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes.
Nice. So, how was it after things became official?
Mezie: It was great and exciting. We were already friends, and there was all that build-up to the actual relationship. So, when it started, I couldn’t get enough of talking to her. I was also hoping for time to get to see her and spend time with her.
Oge: Yeah. It was a long-distance relationship — he was in Abuja, and I was in Lagos. There were a lot of calls. It wasn’t a drastic shift from what our friendship was like. I was just happy to finally be dating someone I’d liked for so long.
Did the distance affect the relationship?
Oge: Short answer: Yes. At that point, I hadn’t started having sex, but physical touch is very important to me, and I hated that I couldn’t make out with him. Then we both started getting busier with work and would be too tired to talk after.
It wasn’t the main reason we broke up, but it played a part.
Mezie: It definitely played a part, but it’s actually when I moved to Lagos in 2013 that the relationship went to shit.
What? How?
Oge: The expectation on my end, probably unspoken at the time, was that if he was moving to Lagos, we would finally spend more time together. Then he moved, but it still felt like he was in Abuja. I wouldn’t see him for weeks.
To be fair, he lived pretty far from me and didn’t have a car, but it was still so frustrating that we now lived in the same city and I barely got to see him. Then whenever we did make plans, he would either be late or traffic would be hell.
I can never forget our last Valentine’s Day together. We made dinner plans, but even though I’d been in Lagos for a while, I didn’t know about the legendary Valentine’s Day traffic. By the time we got there, we were both pissed as fuck — me more than him.
Damn. So, who ended things?
Oge: I did. I messaged him and said it wasn’t working for me anymore.
Mezie: At the time, I felt like work was the immediate priority. No, that sounds wrong. I didn’t know how to show her that she was also a priority. I mean, we were both broke, so it was just a struggle.
We had some good moments in Lagos, but I guess that Valentine’s Day was the straw that broke the camel’s back for her. It only went downhill from there. Then there were some niggas circling at her workplace, and I think she got distracted by the attention.
I honestly didn’t expect her to end things. I mean, the day we became official was the pin code to my ATM card. I just couldn’t fathom that someone I had integrated into my life so deeply, granted the quality of the relationship had dropped, would just leave.
Oge: It was other things too. Like you being such a good catholic boy and getting angry with me for not going to church. Or the fact that you wanted to get married and have kids, but I didn’t.
Mezie: I actually had the hope that you would eventually see the light on some of the fundamental things we disagreed on.
Not to take you guys back, but Oge, what did Mezie mean when he said you got “distracted by the attention”?
Oge: Right. We’ve never actually addressed the office guy. After Mezie, I ended up dating someone from the office. Yes, he had been circling, and I had started liking him while I was still with Mezie. He was just right there, giving me attention.
I started dating him about a week after I broke up with Mezie.
Mezie: Women are scum. So that time I came to your office to surprise you, and you were going crazy, my competition was right there. Wow.
Oge: LMAO. You’re not serious.
What was your relationship like after the breakup?
Oge: I blanked him for a while, but he didn’t let it stick. He eventually reached out, and we’ve been friends ever since. We also started having sex with each other.
Mezie: Her philosophy is to cut people off, and she tried to do that with me, but I knew she was missing me. I knew I still liked her, and we were still running in the same circles, so immediately I got the chance, I reached out.
This was about a year after we’d broken up. She was still in a relationship with Office Guy.
Wait. Oge, were you still with Office Guy when you and Mezie started having sex?
Mezie: Oge?
Oge: Why are you calling my name?
Mezie: Daniel is asking you a question now.
Oge: LMAO. Yeah, I was still with him. A friend of Mezie and I was getting married in Ibadan, and we went together. The plan was to get separate rooms, but we went clubbing that night. I got really drunk, so he slept on the floor to look after me.
When I woke up the next morning, well, you know how it goes.
Did it happen more than once?
Oge: The next time was after that relationship, I think. That’s how I’m choosing to remember it.
LMAO. Whatever you say.
Oge: Now, we’re both single, so no issues there. Once in a while, we hookup. I could go to his house and just chill, but sometimes, I show up and we both know we’re going for a sex date.
Mezie: For me, sex is just sort of in the background of our current thing.
How would you define your current thing?
Oge: He is my friend. He’s seen me grow up, and I’ve seen him go from a good catholic boy to the hedonist he is now. I’ve even called him my life partner because I think we’ll always be a significant part of each other’s lives.
Mezie: I’ve been in other relationships that didn’t work out, but Oge’s always been a constant. Around 2016, I actually considered shooting my shot again, but that’s when it became clear that we have too many fundamental differences to ever work.
Since then, I’ve decided to focus on our friendship. As she said, we are life partners, just without the romance.
So, you guys really don’t think you’ll ever try romance again?
Oge: Nah. Never. The reasons we broke up are still very much present. He’s grown a lot, but deep down, he’s still a very traditional Igbo man. I think at the base of it, we’re just too different, and if we try to go there again, we’ll ruin what we have.
Mezie: LMAO. I’ve written that option off.
Do you still have feelings for each other though?
Oge: Ah.It comes in waves. There are times I think, “Maybe we should give this one more shot because we are such good friends”, but then I remember why that’s a bad idea. Knowing it’s a bad idea, however, doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally consider it.
Mezie: Me, I will not lie, I’m still very attracted to her. Does that count as feelings? I think the love I feel is just an appreciation of her presence in my life.
Beyond that, it’s her booty and her face and her eyes. I really like your eyes, Oge.
Oge: Aww. Thank you. I love you, b.
Mezie: Love you too.
Considering sex is involved, how does this dynamic work when you’re seeing other people?
Oge: Ah. You’ll face your relationship oh. Whenever one of us is dating, we remove sex from the equation and just focus on being friends. It’s never been an issue. We even give each other advice when necessary.
Mezie: Yeah. I mean, most of my relationships have been short-lived — I’ve actually been in more situationships — but I don’t think any of the women I’ve dated seriously has been threatened by her presence.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Mezie: Her personality. Her laugh. She is very carefree in a good way. She is also very open-minded, and I think that might be my favourite thing about her. It makes her the best person to turn to for advice.
Oge: Ugh. I was going to say your laugh, now I have to change it.
Mezie: Better say it.
Oge: LMAO. His laugh is like a chortle, and then his tummy starts going up and down. It’s so funny. He is also able to calm me down a lot of the time. I especially love that I can be 100% myself around him.
How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Oge: 8.5. 10 is for God.
Mezie: 8. Had everything except alignment of world views.
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