Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Get That Christian Brother To Propose To You”.

If you were wondering, I designed this. This is not the book’s cover. You know damn well that the people who write books like this never put much thought into their covers.

The book’s very first paragraph threw me off by claiming that every spinster’s ultimate desire is to settle down with the right man and have a peaceful and love-filled marriage. Now, that’s not a bad thing to want – no one gets married secretly hoping to spend the rest of their lives reenacting the plot of Marriage Story. But are we sure that finding a husband is EVERY spinster’s ultimate desire?

It’s 2020. Get with the times, sis.

After this, the author gets right to business by listing the 7 qualities women need to have to attract good, eligible Christian bachelors.

1) Be Decent: If you think the author used this point to slut-shame women for dressing how they want, you’re absolutely right. “Dress the way you want to be addressed”, is how he starts. “Some ladies think it’s by dressing half-naked and seducing men by wearing tight skirt, spaghetti, bomber skirt, women trouser, exposing laps, armpit, painting and makes-up. All this will do is make men want to sleep with you.”

WHO are the people going incognito just to google pictures of armpits?? I NEED ANSWERS???

2) Be Friendly To All: The author says you have to be approachable. Like a TV game show host on crack, you have to be constantly happy and excited so everyone finds it easy to get along with you. Always wear a smile so wide, the Cheshire Cat would be creeped out if he saw you.

3) Be Hardworking: If you think this is about having a hustle or something, you’re wrong. And it’s because you’ve forgotten that this book was written to give women advice. The “be hardworking” here refers to “knowing how to put your house in order; learn how to cook, knowing how to take care of your home without instruction.“

Just hope you don’t end up like the girl in this story:

Tragiqué

4) Be Respectful: The truth is that no one wants to marry a person who’s rude so I can’t even make fun of this point. Here’s a funny GIF that’s appropriate to use here.

Spinsters: “WHY HAVE WE FOUND HUSBANDS YET?! WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?!!”

Author:

*snaps fingers*

5) Have The Fear of God:

According to the author, you have to commit your entire life to God by being spiritual and making yourself available for all weekly church services and night vigils. Why? Because you never know who is secretly observing your spiritual life.

6) Be Natural: If you think this is about being yourself in – terms of behaviour – so that your potential spouse can love you just the way you are, you’re wrong. (Because point no.2 already demands that you constantly be more excited than Jimmy Fallon on laughing gas to be desirable.) This is about steering clear of artificial beauty methods (makeup, weaves, etc) because “they’re evil and unnecessary and because men prefer natural women.”

If you’re wondering what’s so evil about makeup and artificial hair, check out this recap I wrote of a book that talks about the spiritual origin of wigs & weaves.

7) Be good at communication: You have to read this one for yourselves so here’s a screenshot:

All I got from this is that to attract good men, you quite literally have to be a clown. (Entertaining people??) Also, the rumours are true. I have been fixing the author’s grammar (COMMUNICABLE?!) this entire time so you guys don’t lose your minds the way I almost did while reading it.

I don’t know about this one, you guys. While Ursula is singing “Poor Unfortunate Souls” in The Little Mermaid, she says this:

Granted, she was trying to get Ariel to give up her voice at the time. But I would much rather take dating advice from an animated half-human, half-octopus, sea witch than from the lunatic who wrote this book.

Pssssssst! If this article made you laugh (or even let out a breathy chuckle), do the Lord’s work by sharing with your friends or whoever you think is in need of a laugh (or a breathy chuckle).

If you’re wondering what’s so evil about makeup and artificial hair, check out this recap I wrote of a book that talks about the spiritual origin of wigs & weaves. It’s one hell of a batshit story.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Contraceptive: A Sin In Family Planning And Birth Control?”.

The (nameless) author starts by talking about how many of his brethren keep asking him if popular contraceptives are sinful and if so, what other good, Christian options are available so they don’t end up having an unreasonable amount of children. He goes on to say that the answer he gives always leaves them unsatisfied. This is when I realized that the question mark at the end of this book’s title is a scam.

The author reminisces about the first time a beloved brother asked him about contraceptives and how distraught the brother was when he got an answer he didn’t expect. He talks about the question the brother fought back with, “So are you saying we should give birth to dozens of kids without any planning whatsoever??” and that the conversation followed. A conversation that I hope made the brother walk away because he finally realized that he was talking to a mad person.

Author: “Is God not worthy of closing the womb of your wife instead of using contraceptive?”

Brother: “What if God delays in such answers and my wife becomes pregnant after sexual intercourse?”

Author: “My beloved that means you are faithless because he that must come unto God must believe and have faith that God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

As proof that he’s not yarning okoto, he says that he’s going to back up his side of the argument with proof gotten from years of scriptural research but immediately starts another storytime about the time he attended some church’s youth conference program. My eyes glazed over at this point and I considered giving up on the book. I’m glad I didn’t, though, because this particular story contained something I didn’t see coming.

It contained the most ambitious crossover event since Avengers: Endgame.

As the second entry in the “So You Don’t Have To“ series, I recapped a book written by a 17-year-old boy named Chijioke Onughu. In this book, Chijioke claims to have worked in the kingdom of darkness for 150 years, which means that his servitude began 137 years before he was physically born. Chijioke’s original confession happened back in 2016 at a church’s youth conference program.

That same youth conference is where the author of today’s book got this piping hot supernatural tea.

Am I the only one that imagined a sweatshop in hell full of demon…minorities mass-producing condoms at an alarming rate?

Impotently demonize??

Satan & Co Enterprises

Before I could wrap my head around the odds of the author actually being present for Chijioke’s original confession, he came through with another crossover by quoting Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo, the woman who claims to have interned in hell for 990 years.

There’s a small bit about Onan, a minor biblical character who’s most known for being the pioneer of the pullout method. The author says his initial interpretation of Onan’s story was that God killed him for his refusing to procreate, not his use of the pullout method. However, it’s become clear to him now that God’s anger was caused by Onan’s disregard for God’s command for humans to be fruitful and multiply.

You know what? Here’s the full explanation because I don’t even understand how he arrived at his main takeaway from the story.

How did he take this to mean that God hates all forms of birth control?

He follows this up with this picture:

Like this is a thing anyone would want.

He goes on to say that because everyone who is born is part of God’s plan, intentionally stopping conception or aborting a fetus is you messing with God’s Lego city, and that is a terrible sin. Why does the author say everyone is part of God’s plan? Because of Jeremiah 1:5, where God tells Jeremiah this:

I think he was talking about Jeremiah specifically but that’s just me, I guess.

To further terrify people using the supposed spiritual dangers of birth control, here’s a story the author pulled out of his ass.

Apart from the fact that pills just don’t end up in the bloodstream whole, I know this story is a lie because I reversed image-searched the photo and it led me to a 2016 article about a Ugandan woman named Nnaalongo who died in Guangzhou, China after battling a mystery illness for 3 weeks.

If you’ve made it this far and you’re wondering if the author is implying that sex should only be had when procreation is the desired endgame by both parties involved, you’re not alone. However, he makes it clear that this is not what he’s implying by explaining Natural Family Planning, the birth control method every Christian couple must use.

I would post screenshots of his explanation but his grammar skills make the entire thing sound like gibberish. So here are screenshots of an explanation offered by the good folks at familydoctor.org.

No disrespect to the people who actually do this but this is fucking insane. Life is stressful enough. No one wants to have to study a chart and check the shape of the moon before a genital bump session. I’m just a human trying to have sex with my spouse, who is also a human. Not a werewolf.

Click here to read the recap I wrote for Chijioke Onughu’s book. It chronicles all the things he experienced serving in hell for 150 years as Satan’s right-hand man. Believe me, this is an origin story you do not want to miss.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships”.

With a cover like this, I’m no longer sure if this a book about the sinfulness of oral sex or the deliciousness of foot fetishism.

The book starts off defining oral sex as improper use of the body, which is putting it mildly but you know, whatever. It says our bodies are temples of the Lord which means that we’re not supposed to violate ours (or anyone else’s) by using body parts for what God never intended.

What follows is this list:

• Eyes for a definite purpose for sight.
• Nose for perceiving odour and breath.
• Ears for the sense of hearing.
• Hands and legs for general operations.
• Mouth specifically for eating and communication
• Tongue for the sense of taste.

At this point, I was just like:

How else would I know what my ears were for?

The book goes on to state that God carved out (ouch) the genitals for definite purposes:

• The Penis (for urination and sex)
• The Vagina (for urination, sex, and childbirth)
• The anus (for defecation)

The fact that whoever wrote this book thinks that women pee out of their vaginas is killing me. Then there’s the fact that the anus is listed as a genital.

But I don’t have all day so let’s move on.

The book uses more paragraphs than it needs to explain that God designed sex to be enjoyed the way he intended, which means that any deviation from his design falls in the realm of sexual perversion. There’s also a line about how regular penetrative sex (penis to the vagina) is sexual intercourse and literally anything else counts as a sexual act.

Then there was this:

Girl 1: “Where you going, girl?”

Girl 2; “Just over to Daquan’s house to soak some dick.”

If you’re wondering why the writer is so gung-ho about masturbation being a terrible thing, click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.

The writer goes on a long rant about how oral sex is a sin of lust, not love, and is also a gateway act to exploring other perverted forms of sexual release like (and I’m quoting the book verbatim with these examples): sex toys, vibrators, internet sex, fantasy, sex videos, masturbation, pornography etc.

You know what? Forget it.

According to this book, opening Pandora’s Box of Perverted Sexual Delights™️ in a marriage will lead to sexual bondage: a stage where a person becomes addicted to sex. Not just regular vanilla sex, but messed up nipple-clamping-anal-fisting-candle-wax-on-the-scrotum type of sex. Once one gets to this point, they get trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying sexual sessions with their partner. “Mutual love is gone and fleshy sex has taken over.”

I can’t be the only one that expected the backdoor to be the anus.

At this point, the writer implies that the real reason people don’t go about talking about their sex lives to everyone that’ll listen is that the devil convinced them not to. Here’s the devil’s reason for doing this:

Girl I…

Now, the writer is sure to explain that foreplay isn’t forbidden in Christian marriages. In a chapter named “The Art Of Romancing In Marriage”, it is explained how Christian foreplay works:

What I love the most about this book is how the writer comes off like some kind of Artificial Intelligence created by the same people that write the scripts for Mount Zion’s Cinematic Universe. After the explanation above, he says that during coitus, couples are allowed to get each other “activated” for sexual intercourse by kissing mouth to mouth (NOT MOUTH TO GENITALS) and rubbing of the body’s sensitive parts (neck and chest/breast).

After this, the writer proceeds to drop what I consider to be the funniest line I’ve come across since I started recapping books like this. He makes a statement about how one should be able to praise God in all situations and he is convinced that praising God is impossible during oral sex.

HOW?!

The book ends with a question I’m convinced will haunt me for the rest of my life.

WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX? YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX???!

The entire time I was reading this, I kept waiting for the writer to address the effects of oral sex in regular relationships but he never did. Then I remembered that this brand of Christianity doesn’t acknowledge dating.

Damn.

Anyway, here’s a shorter summary of the book using one meme:

Spot on.

Click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Mystery And Origin Of Artificial Hair And Women Attachment”.

I feel like using a picture like this as the cover of your Christian book about the origin of artificial hair is a little on the nose. Then again, the authors of the books in this series aren’t the best at subtlety.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This is the second time I’ve recapped a book written by Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo. The first recap was of the book she wrote about how the devil created football as a way to destroy humanity because he hates us so much. That same book also contains all the underworld tea she claims to have gathered while serving the devil for 990 years.

Fun Fact: Recapping that book gave birth to the entire So You Don’t Have To series. So I guess in a way, I have her to thank for all this.

She starts the book like every Alessia Cara song, by telling the reader that no matter how much makeup they wear or the quality of weaves they sew to their heads, they will never be beautiful. She also says that any woman who abuses their natural God-given beauty with artificial add-ons should be ready to “dance to God’s unquenchable fury and anger.”

What follows is this picture:

I don’t know why.

After this, Evangelist Fumilayo gets into the meat of the matter by revealing that there are demonic covenants people unknowingly get into with Satan and the Queen of the Coast whenever they use artificial hair.

She pauses proceedings at this point to tell us a story of a church she was once invited to as a guest minister. A church that, according to her, didn’t believe in modest dressing.

I will not rest until HBO adapts this story into a period movie starring Emma Thompson as the pastor’s wife, Meryl Streep as Evangelist Fumilayo, and Dolly Parton as the fashioner designer/hairstylist.

Damn.

A few months later, the pastor’s wife died, and not long after, the fashion designer had a dream. In this dream, she saw the pastor’s wife in hell, sitting in what she described as “the department of worldliness with great torture and pain.” This department contained seats with the names of the other women in the church who wore weaves.

And that’s not all. According to fashion designer lady, the pastor’s wife hair had turned to snakes that were biting her, adding to the pain of hellfire.

DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNN!

Fashion designer lady claimed the pastor’s wife spent the entire dream cussing her out for stopping Evangelist Fumilayo from preaching that day. It was in the midst of this cussing session that she woke up.

After reading this next part, try not to roll your eyes too hard lest they get lost in the back of your head.

What did the female church members use to cut off their weaves?

Evangelist Fumilayo says she was invited back to the church two years later. She says that on her way there, she spent time thinking of how she was going to shade the hell out of them using bible passages because of how they disgraced her the last time.

However, to her surprise (and disappointment, I’m sure), the women had changed their mode of dressing, leading her to ask what the hell happened. This was when they informed her that she wasn’t actually invited to preach but to witness what God had done in their lives through her.

Ok, sis.

THE ORIGIN OF (AND COVENANT BEHIND) ARTIFICIAL HAIR

Before the reader has time to poke holes in this story or complain about the grammatical errors, Evangelist Fumilayo starts reminiscing about the time she and the Queen of the Coast came together in hell’s laboratory to create hair relaxer. What led them to create this?

Because hell’s comms department received a report one year saying that 8 souls made it into heaven. 8 souls out of the millions that died that year. And to Satan, that was unacceptable.

I mean, have you ever seen both of them in the same room?

Because relaxers were exclusive to people that actually had enough hair to relax, Evangelist Fumilayo suggested to the Queen of the Coast that they needed to create something with the potential to trap every woman on the planet. This was when the Queen of the Coast realized that they needed help and proceeded to set up a meeting between Evangelist Fumilayo and Medusa.

Yes, hunny. THAT Medusa.

You know, the same Medusa who is part of Greek mythology.

At her temple (in GREECE??), Medusa agreed to help, but on one condition. That any human who used what she was going to provide and died with it, would end up looking like her (Medusa) in the afterlife, hindering them from entering heaven. As soon as Evangelist Fumilayo agreed, Medusa handed her a chemical that would become the main ingredient in making artificial hair.

Remember this when next Darling Yaki is being sewn into your hair.

I can’t believe this woman just casually dipped toes into Greek mythology. I feel like I’m in an episode of ‘Supernatural’.

Also, this:

Evangelist Fumilayo ends the books blaming women who seemingly can’t get husbands and women with failed marriages for their misfortune.

How to be free of Medusa’s curse:

Girl, bye.

Click here to read the recap I wrote for Evangelist Fumilayo’s first book. It chronicles her experiences as an intern in hell for 990 years and how football (created by the devil) will bring about humanity’s downfall.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Understanding The Mystery And Dangers Of Masturbation”.

Why does he look like he’s in so much pain? Is he using Aboniki as a lubricant? What is happening?

With no introduction whatsoever, the author just kinda hits you in the face with the book’s main ideology. In the first damn line, he tells you that masturbation is the act of having sexual intercourse with demons and getting them pregnant/getting impregnated by them.

Also, the thought of all those half-human, half-demon spawn running around without parents makes me sad.

He goes on to say that victims of masturbation usually get into the act via the influence of a friend, erotic magazine, porn video, images, television programs, or demonic evil voice. All these terms immediately let me know that this book was written by a person who’s not in tune with modern-day slang. Like, can you imagine walking into an XXX shop and casually asking for an erotic magazine? Lol

Also, did anyone reading get the encouragement to masturbate for the first time from a disembodied demonic voice? I’m seriously asking. If you did, indicate in the comments because chile…wtf.

The author defines masturbation one more time as a way of defiling oneself, an act through which a wide variety of spiritual curses get injected into the masturbator. Oh, yes. According to this book, masturbation is the cause of a ton of human problems like stagnancy, backwardness, financial wreckage, and failure in the works of one’s hands. It also opens the destiny of the perpetrator to attacks from the spiritual realm.

Here’s an image I made that perfectly describes that last line:

He also says that the reason chronic masturbators find it difficult to stop the act is because of the Masturbation Demon, an ancient evil being who’s too legit in this sexual temptation business to quit (i.e just abandon a victim). If you’re wondering who assigned this demon this task, the author tells us. It’s none other than the QUEEN OF THE COAST!

Remember her? I once recapped a book for this series containing her terrible plans for Christians and humans in general. Click here to read that article.

The author posits that the dangers of masturbation have the following severe effects on the human body:

• Loss of memory

• Loss of focus

• Urinating sperm (wot??)

• Wet dreams

• Fatigue

• Blurry vision

• Barrenness (caused by the masturbator’s hell-assigned spiritual spouse).

HOW DOES ONE OVERCOME THE DANGERS OF MASTURBATION?

1) Convert to Christ: Locate a genuine bible-believing church and, in great detail, loudly confess your sexual immoral sins to everyone present. Get baptized and make sure it happens in a flowing river, not a swimming pool. Because a baptism in a swimming pool would just be you soaking in a lukewarm broth of your own sins.

2) Guard your eyes: Be careful what you look at. As a man, NEVER look at a woman twice. Get rid of every worldly piece of media around you. Cut off worldly friends and refrain from the pointless act of dating. Engage in church activities to occupy your mind.

3) Control your thoughts: Constantly fill your mind with God’s words, hymns, etc. And when the author says constantly, he means CONSTANTLY. Read this:

Did he just refer to wanting to get educated, married, and owning a house as pointless desires?

Girl, bye.

Click here to read all about the Queen of the Coast. Trust me when I say that this is stuff you want to know.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “A Letter From Hell To A Friend”.

I don’t know if these people are on to me and what I do here but the authors of these books have stopped putting their names. Anyway, this book starts with the following questions.

“What if you had a friend who died in SIN or without knowing Jesus as their personal saviour? What if he or she went to HELL? What if one day you received an e-mail or letter from your friends in the flames of eternal torment?”

After this, the author goes into the story.

The story begins with two high school students named Zack and Josh. The fact that the subjects are named like Nickelodeon characters let me know that this story isn’t about Nigerians. Zack and Josh are best friends. Zack is a Christian but Josh doesn’t care much for religion. The author points out that even though they’re super close, Zack keeps his relationship with Jesus private from Josh.

Then Josh dies in a drunken car crash. Not long after the funeral, Zack gets a letter…from Josh, who is now in hell.

The story says that Zach got this letter after the funeral. WHY does Josh start the letter saying he died that day? Except Josh was buried the same day he died, the timelines don’t add up and none of this makes sense.

A thing that cracks me up about stories from people who have allegedly experienced judgement in the afterlife is how they claim to not know what happens after your name isn’t found in the book of life…

…or what it means when a huge beast grabs you off the line and starts taking you somewhere else.

Hilarious.

It’s established early in the story that Zack kept his relationship with Jesus a secret from Josh and never spoke to him about it. So where is Josh coming from with this “We talked about it 3 times today”? Also, what day?? WHO THE HELL IS CYRIL?!

Why does this letter read like it was being written in real-time? Was there an audio-to-text thing going on? “Ooh NO, NO, I AM WITHOUT HOPE!” Could this be any more dramatic??

So if he’s being tortured by literal monsters and his thoughts around the clock, when did he get the time to write this hella verbose letter? WHEN?!

Jesus Christ, Josh. I get you don’t have a choice now but “must suffer FOREVER”? Cut yourself some slack. Jeez.

Ok. You know what? Fuck Josh. Yeah, I said it. Zach couldn’t have been the only Christian in his life. Why is he putting all the blame on him? Also, “I wish you are here”???

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Ten Great Reasons Why You Should Say No To Sex Before Marriage.”

The book begins with a preface in which the author talks about how sex has permeated all forms of Nigerian media (music, movies, adverts, books etc). He then posits the theory that MAYBE sex is becoming one of Nigerians’ favourite topics.

He then talks about how difficult life in society is for people who genuinely want to wait until their married to have sex due to pressure from “friends, peer groups, teachers and other adults.” This statement made my head spin because of the “teachers and adults” of it all. Like, adults pressured you to have sex when you were kids? What society was this??

Using way more lines than needed, he goes on to explain the sacred nature of sex, describing it as a powerful intense force inside us that God designed for a loving committed marriage relationship. (Yep, marriage relationship.) He then compares casual sex to placing your best lace on the floor of a chicken house and letting the chickens shit and walk all over it, following it up with this image:

Lace? What generation was this written for?

Let’s just go into the actual book, abeg. He divided the ten reasons into ten chapters.

CHAPTER 1: Say no because God says NO to sex outside or before marriage.

My favourite thing about this chapter is how the author acknowledges that a lack of sex makes people miserable by starting with the line, “He does not say NO to make us miserable.”

He attempts to scare readers with the threat that sex outside marriage brings nothing but pain and heartache (because it’s designed to be between married people) but doesn’t provide any data to back this up.

CHAPTER 2: Say NO because you will save yourself from the guilt, shame, and sadness that sex outside marriage brings.

This was when I realized that this book was a product of the patriarchy and was targeted at girls only. The chapter talks about how a moment’s pleasure can lead to life-long embarrassment due to being regarded in society as a slut.

The author then slyly compares people who don’t wait until marriage for sex to animals with no self-respect, self-respect, and self-control.

CHAPTER 3: Say NO because you will spare yourself the pain and grief of finding out that you were being used rather than being loved and accepted.

The author rants about how sex and love aren’t the same things and how finding out you were being used for sex brings major heartbreak. I stopped here and asked, out loud, what happens when you (the reader) are the one using people for sex. Seeing as I was alone, I didn’t get a response.

I kept on reading.

CHAPTER 4: Say NO because every time you have sex, you run the risk of making a baby.

The author spends the bulk of this chapter shitting on pregnancies and contraceptives. He talks about getting pregnant like it’s the same as getting ebola and describes contraceptives as ineffective. He put a drawing of a heavily pregnant girl sitting in a chair and looking sad as shit. Beneath this image is the following text:

“Girls, if you become pregnant, you will have to tell those you love in your extended family that you are understage. They will be disappointed and hurt too.”

CHAPTER 5: Say NO because (girls), if you get pregnant, that makes you a mother responsible to care for the baby.

Even though the title talks about babies like their gremlins or some shit, the main chapter is about how if you (a girl) gets knocked up, the father will take off, leaving you with a pregnancy you can’t afford. This will lead you to consider abortion and eventually getting one, destroying your womb and your chances of getting into heaven in one fell swoop.

CHAPTER 6: Say NO because of the dangers of catching STDs.

You know, I knew STDs were bound to come up at some point. What I did not see coming was how it was going to be explained. After spouting some seriously outdated info about STDs (people who get HIV die within 2-10 years after infection), He then goes on to talk about Spiritually Transmitted Demons. His (fucking bonkers) logic is this:

“If you half sex with a person that possesses 2000 demons, half of that person’s demons are now yours.”

I’ve seen The Exorcist, for God’s sake.

Chapter 7: Say NO because you will destroy your plans.

Translation: Because babies are demon crackheads, they will make you drop out of school, destroying your chances of ever getting a well-paid job or succeeding in life.

Chapter 8: Say NO because you want to fully enjoy sex in a relationship of genuine.

According to the author, this feels better than casual sex.

Chapter 9: Say NO because you will be able to choose to marry the special person God has planned for you.

Because in the society the author lives, there is a rule against marrying any woman who has a kid, implying that they are destined to die alone.

Chapter 10: Say NO because the people who love you expect you to say no.

The people: Your parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, pastor, people in your church, your future spouse, and Jesus (who died to give you the power to say NO).

With the exception of Bros J, all those other people are on their own.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Divine Experience of a Nigerian Soldier In The Land of The Dead”.

I like today’s book a lot because it’s a period piece (lol). It’s the story of a guy who was killed during the Nigerian civil war and his experiences in the afterlife. The book never mentions his name, only that he waited over 30 years to tell his story for some reason. And that when he did, it was at a Deeper Life Christian Church revival program in 2002.

At some point during the civil war, our protagonist had just enlisted in the Nigerian army and wanted nothing more than to be on the battlefield taking out the enemies like a fun game of Call Of Duty. However, after his training, he was made a Quarter Master (i.e. the guy in charge of issuing uniforms and ammunition to soldiers). He was pissed.

Not long after, he got his wish and was sent to the war front. He was shot and killed three months later. He said he had no idea when the bullet hit. All he noticed was that he was suddenly enveloped by thick darkness. He kept running through it, though, because he somehow had no idea he had died.

This monologue is killing me.

While trying to get out of the darkness, he saw a light ahead. He ran straight for it until he encountered a fork in the road. As he stood, wondering which way to go, he heard a loud booming voice ask:

“Where are you coming from?”

And he replied:

“I’m coming from the world.”

He says the booming voice then proceeded to ask him how long he’d spent in the world and to reveal all the things he had done, which he did.

Basically, they had a long-ass conversation.

Did the darkness keep morphing and stretching to make enough room for him to run through? A fork in the road? Did that mean there were now two lights ahead? Remember that at this point, he still didn’t know he had died. So why did he answer the booming voice’s question the way he did? Why am I doing this??

After confessing all his deeds, he began crying because there was more bad than good. He said that immediately after this, a giant book appeared before him containing all the sins he had just confessed.

At this point, the booming voice suddenly said, “look to your left and go in there“ and before our protagonist could react, he found himself on a conveyor belt being taken to a hot ass place from which emerged terrified voices shouting and crying for help.

THIS was when he realized that he had died.

As our protagonist was about to be thrown headfirst into the lake of fire.

This lake of fire:

He heard yet another disembodied voice that told him all his sins have been forgiven and that he should go back the way he came and make things right. He said that he ran back the way he came…

…and the next thing he knew, he felt his spirit re-enter his body…

…just as it was about to be buried!

Conveniently, the book doesn’t specify how much time passed between when he died and when his spirit returned. Hours? Days??

The discrepancies in this timeline of events are fucking with me.

He then goes on to explain the concept of eternity in 4 paragraphs using like 70 different analogies.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “The Danger Of Fornication And It Consequences”.

The author (whoever that is, the book doesn’t say) starts the book with a definition of fornication, defining it as “a sexual relationship that exists between an unmarried man and woman.” Accompanying this shaky definition is a stock image that made me spit water all over my laptop in a failed attempt to not laugh.

A classic case of a guy bragging about his ‘skills’ pre-coitus – raising the girl’s hopes – and then only lasting 40 seconds during the actual deed.

The book personifies Fornication and describes it as a slave master that ensures the bondage of anyone who engages it. It also warns anyone who encounters Fornication to run (as opposed to staying to fight) because Fornication is a bad bitch who wins all her fights.

At this point, I paused to imagine Fornication in human form as a bad bitch. What I imagined, looked something like this:

I also imagined her holding a bullwhip instead of a gun, but that’s a personal preference I’d rather not talk about.

What follows this is my favourite chapter in the whole book. A chapter titled:

This chapter claims to reveal the foundational root and cause of sexual immorality in humans. It starts with men.

Before I had time to question why the author made the elephant/lizard connection, they go on to list two muscles…

…and I legit fell off my chair like…

…because girl, what the hell? Lmao.

The author goes on to explain that these two muscles are greater than all other organs and have disgraced many men and paralysed the destinies of countless others throughout history.

He then explains the root of sexual immorality in women.

Girl I –

There will never be a grosser nickname for vagina than “Hole Muscle”.

This chapter also says that every woman has a tiny guardian angel who acts as a gateman to her womb. And that terrible things will befall any woman who gets rid of her guardian angel gateman and uses her vagina anyhow.

The next chapter starts with a personal story from the author. He says that he once attended a program at a church headed by a friend of his. That friend showed him a really tall uncompleted building and revealed that a girl died there a few months prior. How the woman died, however, is the stuff after school specials are made off.

Apparently, the girl had been chatting with a guy on Facebook (where else?) for a while. They eventually made plans to meet, the man insisting that they meet at the top of the super tall uncompleted building. The book says that the girl – not being suspicious at all about the rendezvous point – went to meet the guy dressed in sinful and ungodly clothes.

Here’s the story’s conclusion:

I feel like he implied that sexting was what killed her but you know what?

Here’s what the next chapter had to say about pornography and the people who watch it.

The author takes his time to explain that fornication opens you up to diseases (both physical and spiritual). According to him, fornication leads to demon transfer i.e (and this is his example btw) if a man or woman possesses 2000 demons within and you bump genitals with them, you automatically get half of those demons transferred to you.

I’ve seen The Exorcist for God’s sake.

The last chapter, titled: Sexual Boundaries, talks about how sexual immorality is spreading so fast, even children are doing it. The author complains that staying sexually pure in this age of free porn is a Herculean task. He goes on to say that the number one reason people fall into sexual temptation is that they get too comfortable around the opposite sex believing that they have control over their urges, while in reality, control is A LIE.

This is the author’s idea of how two members of the opposite sex should interact so as to avoid getting the urge to bump squishy parts:

What base is this?!

The book ends with these warnings:

Is it ever that deep?

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “4 Hour Interview in Hell.”

Is it just me or does that look like Chris Brown?

The book starts with the setting for the story – a teacher’s training college in 1974. A man named Dare Martins is visited by his friend, Allen Bamgbose. After chatting for a while, they’re joined by two other guys named Kunle and Taiwo. For some reason, they begin talking about the most horrifying things they’ve ever experienced – you know, like normal friends do when they get together. Dare’s story was about witnessing some shit during the civil war. Taiwo’s story was about a plane crash that claimed seven lives. Kunle’s story was about the one time he experienced an earthquake during his time abroad.

Things take a turn for the “Nigga, what?” when Allen’s story ends up being about the time he got a journalist VIP pass to hell and got to walk around, interviewing some of its residents – in a dream.

You just know that at least one person in that room was like:

But they’d already told their stories and were bound by the law of niceness to listen to his. So, they let him narrate the following story to them.

CHAPTER 1

Allen is taking a nap on a hot afternoon in 1967 when he’s suddenly snatched up out of his room and placed on a path leading to the pearly gates of heaven.

As his excitement grows about getting into the good place – even though he has no idea when exactly he died – a tall Yoruba-speaking angel stops him in his tracks and gives him the official Mount Zion movie angel speech. You know, this speech:

“You can’t die now because you still have unfinished business with God. You have a message to pass across. Come and see, why you must go back and spread our message more passionately.”

Then this happens:

CHAPTER 2

After walking for seven minutes, they get to their destination.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUN!

They stop in front of hell’s gate so the angel can deliver a whole ass monologue shading modern-day pastors for preaching about materialism as opposed to salvation and godliness. They then walk into the underworld and spend a minute taking in its vast awfulness. Allen is fucking horrified by what he’s seeing and is still trying to wrap his head around things when the angel says, “This is why you must go back and tell everybody to repent. Whatever is revealed to you here, take it, go back to the world and tell it!” and vanishes, leaving Allen alone.

What follows is a hauntingly beautiful description of the first demon Allen sees after he’s left alone.

After ogling the hell out of the demon, Allen begins his series of interviews, starting with a woman he happens to have attended secondary school with named Rita.

LMAO! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

I would gist you about the short conversation he claims they had but you NEED to read it for yourself.

Before he could ask her more stuff, she was swallowed by fire and never seen again.

Damn.

CHAPTER 3

Not long after talking to Rita, Allen encounters a teenage girl who says she’s been there since 1932. When asked about the sin that landed her an eternity of hot girl summer, she responds with this:

A recurring theme in this series.

After leaving Sabrina the teenage witch, Allen runs into yet another person he knew when they were alive. (WHAT ARE THE OD –) A woman named Mrs Emily Adeyombo, who also happened to be a deaconess. Mrs Emily informs Allen that what did her in was the sin of unforgiveness. She had beef with the choirmaster at their church and didn’t squash it before she died because she was older and expected him to apologize.

Someone should warn that choirmaster.

CHAPTER 4

I’ve been recapping these books for a couple of weeks now and a thing they all have in common is how they all contain thinly-veiled threats of how terrible things will happen to you if you doubt them. I’d been waiting for this book’s threat and it finally came in this chapter, in the form of a guy Allen comes across. This guy’s torture is more extreme than anything Allen has seen in his time there. Here’s the conversation they have:

Wait. So he got to heaven’s gate, got accused of sinning his entire life, and his reply was “FAKE NEWS?!” Lmao! What?!

Who steals a walkie-talkie??

Before Allen can ask more questions, Michael is swallowed up by hellfire, a thing that – based on the way it’s been ending conversations at hella dramatic moments – I’m starting to believe is sentient.

CHAPTER 5

Allen’s next interviewee is a Canadian medical practitioner named Joyce, who, according to Allen, actually introduces herself as “Joyce from Canada.” A weird way to introduce yourself in a place where your name doesn’t matter, much less your country of origin.

Joyce’s sin is that she was pro-choice in life and helped a ton of women have abortions. She says that a medical student once preached to her about abortion being murder but she ignored him because she believed in science or whatever. Sentient fire takes her away before she can say anything else so Allen moves on to his next interviewee, a pastor in hell for stealing church funds.

CHAPTER 6

Tea, anyone?

That’s the last thing Allen remembers before waking up.

Me, after reading this entire thing:

See you next week, y’all.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s piece is an excerpt from the book, Another Warning.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This guy.

From what I could find out, Ubani Kingsley is a man who has had so many personal encounters with God that even Moses would’ve been like “Kilode?”. He claims to have dedicated his life to preaching salvation and bringing deliverance to his people, the members of Fountain of Salvation Ministries International, a church he founded. The book promises that reading brother Ubani’s experiences in his own words will forever change your life.

According to brother Ubani, it was the 21st of June, 2012. He had woken up at 2:10 am to have his quiet time when he felt a presence in his room. He didn’t bother to check, though, because he was sure he’d properly locked his doors before turning in so he kept on doing his thing until he heard someone call his name at 2:57 am. He turned around and saw three men standing there, dressed in white. Two of them had wings and swords. The third man was the son of God, Jesus Christ, Superstar.

This also means that Jesus appeared in Ubani’s room and waited for 47 MINUTES before announcing his presence. WHY?

Brother Ubani says he was terrified until Jesus asked him to quit freaking out and confirmed that he was only there to congratulate him for him being such a good messenger in the past. As a token of appreciation, Jesus gave brother Ubani super-secret gist.

Immediately after this groundbreaking tea, brother Ubani says that Jesus asked him why his house smelled like garbage. Ubani, super embarrassed, began looking for any forgotten pile of dirt that could be causing this but one of the angels was like, “The stench is coming from there,” gesturing to the corner of Ubani’s room containing his DVD. The other angel walked over to the CD collection and brought out a couple of movies that included the following titles: Clash of The Titans, Vs the Bagdad, Cruel War, The Delta Force, Okochi (Igbo film) Wrestling Films and also, some Christians Music.

I don’t know what those other things are so all I got from that last part was the casual Clash of the Titans slander thrown in. Ubani says all this happened in June 2012, just three months after the release of Wrath of the Titans (sequel to the 2010 Clash of the Titans remake) was released. So it’s safe to assume that the copy Ubani owned was of the 2010 remake, which means that the angels weren’t wrong to say it stank because that movie actually SUCKED ASS.

I see what they did there.

This happened next:

Ubani says that hearing this from Jesus deeply terrified him. Implying that unlike the rest of us, Ubani somehow never got caught up in the Illuminati/Hollywood collabo conspiracy YouTube attacked everyone with during the late 2000s/ early 2010s.

Interesting.

According to Ubani, Jesus said this next:

All this made me imagine is Satan and a few demons jamming hard to Heavy Metal whenever hell gets word that yet another Christian has bought a pair of low waist, skinny jeans.

Jesus even told Ubani to be wary of some Christian music, as Satan has found a way to influence some of them to initially sound Christian but later fill your mind with filth when you’re less spiritually alert.

They never tell us how to tell the difference.

According to Ubani, Jesus goes on to say that anyone claiming to be a gospel artiste but releases tracks in any genre that worldly people would consider “popping” is a dirty liar and a fake bitch who lives a dirty life.

Check out this bit of information which registers as shade thrown at 80% of Nigerian churches:

The whole thing ends with this message:

And after what I guess were the parting words of “Ngwa bye!” and a quick wave, Jesus & the angels left.

And this just left me with more questions than answers. Like, do they really have to make stops at every country in the WOLRD containing Christians? What’s the point of being the son of God if you can’t just sit on your blinged-out throne and send out a mass telepathic message? You know, like Professor X does with Cerebro?

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “The Assignment Of The Queen Of Coast Against Christians”

And there she is. Serving occultic pageant queen realness.

I usually start these things with a small paragraph about the author but this book legit has no author. It just…starts. The very first line is written in the third person. After that, everything else is written in the first person and reads like a particularly angry entry from the diary of the Queen of the Coast herself. It’s the kind of thing that could totally become a hilarious/menacing voiceover monologue delivered by Jane Lynch in her Sue Sylvester voice.

Asides from letting you know that the Queen of the Coast is all kinds of pissed, the book’s opening hits you with some kingdom of darkness statistics:

Am I surprised that the Queen of the Coast is a slave driver? Of course not. That’s completely on-brand with everything she stands for. However, I feel like losing 50 out of 1.2 billion souls is a loss even Jeff Bezos would be fine with.

She informs them that Lucifer is depressed about the stats and just can’t bring himself to even anymore, which means that they have to step their game up before things get worse. She tells the people she’s talking to that she’s sending them into the world and that they better return with a good report in six months or consider themselves dead. The book then introduces the reader to the people she’s been yelling at this whole time using the following image.

Her minions i.e LITERAL slay kings & queens.

She then points to a SCREEN and lists three categories of humans on it.

• The first category of humans are walking around naked. She tells her minions that the naked ones are the people yet to accept Jesus into their lives. “They are the ones whose flesh we’ll eat and then use their blood to make cosmetics for women!” It’s good to know that the underworld is also against waste.

• The second category of humans have shiny white clothes on. These ones are Christians who should be attacked ASAP because they still have the strong potential to backslide.

• The third category are also dressed in shiny white clothes but are shielded with fire. These are prayerful Christians and this is how the Queen of the Coast describes them: “When we say Yes, they say No when we build, they destroy if we close they open when we bind they lose, they are mad people and they are the one disturbing our kingdom, once any of them fall into your trap, KILL THEM QUICKLY.”

It tickled me immensely to find out that the Queen of the Coast’s grand plan to destroy the lives of Christians everywhere is SEX. Sex in church! Sex in schools! Sex in offices! Sex in markets! Sex on the internet! SEX IN THE STREETS!

You guys, her manifesto reads like the bridge of Tony Matterhorn’s “Dutty Wine.”

She then hurls the weirdest threat I have ever heard at her minions:

It’s hard not to feel bad Jikaya, Kakadika, and Aguanna.

She tells them that they have all the powers they need in the form of cosmetics. She reveals that makeup and cosmetics are so powerful because they’re made of the ashes of demons who failed in their tasks. At this point, I stopped reading and remembered Stromboli (from 1940’s Pinocchio), the puppet master who owned Pinocchio for a while. He had a horrifying ritual of chopping up old puppets who could no longer perform and using them for firewood. Do old demons with weak hips get crushed into powder and made into Fenty eye shadow?

Do demons age?

Things calm down a bit as the Queen of the Coast settles in for storytime. She tells us about how she once took down a powerful evangelist named Bayonle, with the help of one of her best agents, Titi.

According to this story, Titi just walked up to Evangelist Bayonle one day and claimed that she had a dream of them evangelising together. Bayonle agreed and they started hanging out a lot, which led to him developing feelings for her. Not long after, they got married. How Titi got Bayonle to marry her so fast is explained in two paragraphs you just have to read for yourself:

After the wedding, the Queen of the Coast swooped in with her orders, wonderfully illustrated in this image:

I don’t know about you but if I was carrying out orders given to me by the kingdom of darkness, I would also do it while wearing a fabulous church hat.

Titi succeeded, and Evangelist Bayonle died.

The book doesn’t even give you enough time to wrap your head around this story or mentally pour one out for our fallen brother, Bayonle, when Queen Mother Coast goes into a rant about how much she hates the Christians in Nigeria for being so strong and prayerful. She says that because Nigeria is becoming the evangelical overseer of Africa, 1.8 million trained female spiritual assassins have been sent to destroy Christians here.

She insults Christians for using prayers to thwart her plan to destroy the country with ebola and brags about how she’s about to launch a new disease into the country. This disease will be contractable from toilets and will only be cured by drugs (made in the kingdom of darkness) which will automatically brand whoever takes it with the mark of the beast.

In other words, our two options are to walk around with an inflamed asshole or get the mark of the beast.

My favourite part of the whole thing is how it ends. The Queen of the Coast’s closing speech reads like she’s doing an impression of a female rapper reminding everyone at the end of a concert that she’s the baddest bitch.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Can’t you just imagine Nicki Minaj rapping this?! LMAO

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