Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The book that taught an entire generation of children that every biblical character was white.

“My Book Of Bible Stories” was super popular when I was a kid. In primary school, my friends and I would go through the book solemnly learning important biblical life lessons. Then we would get to the end, close the book, and go forth to sin some more. Because we were like 8 years old and didn’t really give a shit about which section of the afterlife our souls would end up when we die.

8-year-old me ceremoniously beheading a rat that did nothing to me and enjoying it.

So I recently found my old copy, and after going through it and screaming to any family member who would listen about how every single character depicted in it is white as hell, I figured I would get some “So You Don’t Have To” out of it.

Because what’s the point of experiencing anything if you can’t mine it for content?

Before we get on this incredibly nostalgic and caucasian ride, I would like to let you guys know something I just found out. “My Book Of Bible Stories” is a product of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s described on their website as a “book that gives you an idea of what the Bible is all about. It tells about people of the Bible and the things they did. It also shows the grand hope of everlasting life in a paradise earth that God has given to people.“

Ok. I’ll stop now.

The book has 116 chapters and I am not going to talk about every one of them because God forbid. So I’ll just drop commentary about the drawings instead.

Chapter 1: God Begins To Make Things

The bible (and this book) says that all of earth was submerged in water but this picture has rivers of lava and erupting volcanos. It’s like the prompt for the drawing was, “A movie adaptation of the Christian creation story directed by Micheal Bay.”

Chapter 3: The First Man and Woman

I will forever be tickled by the fact that this book depicted Adam and Eve coming into existence with such amazing hair. Look at Eve’s luscious mane. Do you know how long one would have to sit with curlers in their hair to achieve this??

Chapter 3: A Good Son, And A Bad One

My favourite thing about this is how, based on the location of Abel’s wound, Cain was so jealous of God rejecting his sacrifice and accepting Abel’s that he hit Abel in the face with a makeshift pickaxe.

Chapter 9: Noah Builds An Ark

Look at how hard those three bastards are laughing. You can tell they were laughing that hard just to piss Noah off because there is nothing in this world that’s that funny.

Chapter 11: The First Rainbow

Rumour has it that when Noah and his family saw the rainbow and were thanking God for sparing their lives, the LGBT community were in the background plotting to steal the rainbow for themselves.

Chapter 12: Men Build A Big Tower

The tower of babel or as I like to call it, the ultimate proof that God has a wicked sense of humour. Also, look at Reed Richards with his streak of grey hair.

Chapter 14: God Tests Abraham’s Faith

We’ve all acknowledged how fucked up this story is so I’m not going to get into that. What I want to discuss today is how stressed that ram must’ve been. Almost witnessing prolicide is one thing, figuring out that YOU’RE the replacement sacrifice must’ve sucked ass.

Chapter 15: Lot’s Wife Looked Back

I will never forgive my brother for making me believe that the world’s supply of table salt comes from Lot’s wife’s corpse.

Chapter 17: Twins Who Were Different

Oh look. It’s Esau practicing for the very first Hunger Games. it will forever bother me that they named this chapter like twins not being identical is a strange thing.

Chapter 20: Jacob’s Dinah Daughter

That time when Dinah went clubbing with the Canaanite bad girls and then got sexually assaulted by some bastard named Shechem.

Chapter 28: How Baby Moses Was Saved

LOOK AT HOW SICKENING PHAROAH’S DAUGHTER’S EYE MAKEUP IS!!!!!

Chapter 36: The Golden Calf

The first thing I’d do if I figure out time travel is to go back in time to this era and join this party because it looks bitching!

Chapter 89: Jesus Cleans Out The Temple

This drawing of Jesus looks like angry Bradley Cooper.

And so ends this session of “Walks Down Memory Lane With Astor.” Join me again next week to see me rip apart yet another piece of pop culture.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Suicide Mission” So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood movie, “Suicide Mission.“

So much beauty in one picture. I want both Regina Askia and RMD to be my sugar parents. They can have me for three days each and alternating Sundays. I don’t mind being shared.

The movie starts with Austin (RMD) hanging by his neck under a bridge. Because he doesn’t look excited to be there, I can tell that he didn’t put himself in this situation. While he’s squirming, someone who looks a lot like the girl who sang “Chinwe ike” pops out of the water and calls to him.

The rope suddenly cuts and he falls to his death, screaming annoyingly the entire way down. I scream along with him because what the fuck kind of Nollywood movie made in 1998 starts with a suicide?

It turns out that all this has been a nightmare. Austin wakes up screaming and his wife, Winnie, who is next to him wakes up and is like:

He tells her about the dream but doesn’t mention the light-skinned woman. Winnie mumbles something about Austin needing to be more careful and goes back to sleep, which is a really stupid thing to tell a person who just had a nightmare but whatever I guess.

The next day, Austin goes to visit a friend. While there, he meets Monique (Regina Askia-Williams) who, the second she lays eyes on him, immediately decides that she wants him to destroy her honey pot with his weapon of love.

Monique tells her friend, Tracy (the wife of the person Austin is there to visit), that she wants to jump around on Austin’s disco stick. When Tracy informs Monique that Austin is married, Monique is like:

And she wasn’t even kidding with that last line because in the very next scene, she and Tracy are in a babalawo’s shrine asking for juju that’ll make Austin marry her. This is how the conversation goes between then:

Monique goes home and serves lewks in a montage while considering her options. Just to be clear, these are her options:

• Have sex with a dead body while a pervy babalawo watches so she can marry some man she’s literally only spoken to for five seconds.

• Not have sex with a dead body, carry on with her life, and find another man to marry

However, Monique is super grossed out by the corpse the babalawo brings to life and runs away as fast as her skirt suit will let her.

But because it’s night time, she gets lost and the horny corpse catches up with and rapes her. When Austin doesn’t immediately leave his family and run away with her, Monique realises the ritual didn’t work and is furious that she slept with a zombie for nothing. Tracy takes her to another juju man who tells her that she has to perform a few rituals before she gets what she wants.

Monique is terrified that she’ll be asked to do something disgusting again so she’s like:

She calms down when the juju man says she’ll have to do a dry fast for three days…

…but gets stressed again when he says she’ll also have to throw her underwear into the ocean and go into the ocean to pick a bunch of cowries.

Monique returns to the juju man after she’s done with her tasks. He summons Austin’s spirit and tosses it into a groundnut bottle, giving her complete control of him. Austin, under Monique’s influence, tells Winnie that he’s marrying a second wife. When Winnie tries to protest, he’s like:

After Monique marries Austin and moves into his house, she spends her free time torturing his spirit.

WandaVision (2021)

Because being a second wife isn’t good enough for her, Monique steals $10,000 cash from Austin and frames Winnie for the theft, leading to Austin throwing Winnie out. Winnie wanders the streets with her luggage and it’s supposed to be sad but it makes me laugh because it reminds me of that meme of Osita Iheme dragging a giant box:

With no where to go, Winnie goes to her church to meet the pastor. The pastor, dressed in an insane bright yellow blazer, goes back to Winnie’s house to see if he can beg Austin to take her back but Austin throws both of them out.

With Winnie gone, Monique treats her kids like trash. Eventually, they steal money from Austin’s room and run away from home. Austin notices they’re gone and when he asks where they are, Monique says Winnie must’ve come for them. No one discovers what really happened until ONE MONTH LATER when Winnie comes to visit and is told by the gateman.

Meanwhile, the kids are now living in an uncompleted building, and one of them is struck by an unidentified illness.

But he dies not long after. The surviving two eventually run out of money and start selling sachet water to survive.

While out selling water one day, they run into Winnie and have a group hug in the middle of the street. They inform her that one of them is dead and they all cry. As all this is happening, I’m wondering what they did with the body and if Winnie even looked for them at all.

Meanwhile, Austin is slowly getting sick of Monique’s shit. He finds out that she’s spent N2.5 million in a month and yells at her for it. When he walks away, she’s like:

She decides to kill Austin and inherit all his money. She goes to a babalawo who gives her poison to put in Austin’s food. However, she’s told to keep the poison away from water but gets caught in the rain on her way home, causing her to run mad.

Austin finds her after three days, eating garbage and chasing people, and takes her to a psychiatric hospital. The doctor says he can’t find anything wrong with her and suggests — I shit you not — that Austin takes her to a church.

After a hot deliverance session led by a pastor played by Patrick Doyle, Monique confesses to everything she’s done. Pastor Patrick Doyle asks her to bring out the groundnut bottle with Austin’s spirit in it and she does but mistakenly drops and breaks it. As punishment for ruining all the juju, she turns into a local dog and runs away.

An angel dressed in china white comes to Winnie in a dream and tells her to go back to Austin because he’s now free from the clutches of evil. As Winnie gets to the house, Austin is about to hang himself (mirroring the events in the movie’s opening scene). Heavenly lightning strikes the rope, stopping him from dying. They all hug.

If you enjoyed this article, share it with people OR ELSE:

You’ve been warned.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Karishika” So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1996 Nollywood horror classic, Karishika.

Am I the only one who thought Karishika was Satan’s employee? Why does this say he’s in trouble?

It was the 1990s and for some strange reason, Nigerians just couldn’t get enough of Nollywood movies about fine, light-skinned women coming to earth from hell to kill, steal, and destroy men who were unlucky enough to eat their snail. Producers picked up on this and began churning them out anyhow and that’s how we got movies like Nneka the Pretty Serpent, Sakobi the Snake Girl, and, the movie I will be recapping today, Karishika.

The movie starts with a company-wide meeting in hell. You know people are gathered because you can hear their voices but you can’t properly see them because the movie’s lighting is shit. The meeting is being led by Lucifer, who is dressed in what looks like a Whore of Babylon halloween costume.

Satan is upset because hell isn’t getting enough new souls and he hates having to hang out with the same tortured souls all the time. He says he needs someone to send earth to recruit more souls. For a few seconds, all the demons unlook and I don’t blame them because who the fuck wants that kind of responsibility? Just when you think no one is going to volunteer, Karishika steps forward and is like:

So Satan transfers some of his powers to her by spiritually vomiting in her mouth…

…and sends her to earth via a portal disguised as a tomb in a graveyard.

I can’t believe an Ankara shirt and abortion belt combo was the best Hell’s wardrobe department could do.

After leaving the graveyard, she kills the first person she sees and steals his car.

Karishika goes to a church the next day, shape-shifts into a cabman, and picks up two passengers. One of them is a woman named Bianca who has been struggling to get pregnant and is telling her friend about it. The next day, Karishika shape-shifts into the friend Bianca shared a cab with and goes to Bianca’s house to tell her about a spiritualist named Daddy Jonathan who specializes in helping women looking to conceive. Bianca is initially against this idea because of her faith but Karishika is like:

Bianca suggests visiting Daddy Jonathan and her husband, Desmond, is furious. He orders her not to go and even reports her to their pastor but she goes anyway. Daddy Jonathan (with Karishika posing as his assistant but really just there to enjoy the chaos) takes her to the middle of a forest and performs a ritual during which he beats her with a crucifix…

…and slits the throat of a pigeon over head, drenching her in its blood.

I believe that this movie and the original Living in Bondage exist in the same universe. Don’t even try to convince me otherwise.

When Daddy Jonathan’s ritual doesn’t work, Karishika, who has befriended Bianca at this point, takes her to appease a river goddess with eggs in the hopes that the river goddess will give Bianca a child. Instead, the goddess says this:

Bianca screams and passes out while Karishika turns into a fish and possesses Bianca. Bianca ends up in the hospital (the movie doesn’t say how she got there) with Desmond and pastor having a hot prayer session at her bedside. Karishika leaves Bianca’s body because the prayer is too much which causes Bianca to wake up and reveal all the spiritual hijinks she’s been up to.

Because Karishika is a messy bitch who lives for chaos, she finds another woman struggling to conceive and brings her to Daddy Jonathan.

She also goes to seduce some random pastor who has nothing to do with the movie’s plot. She goes to him under the guise of having an evil spirit problem and asks him to pray for her. Presented in a series of images without commentary, this is how the prayer session goes:

And then they proceed to bump genitals.

Meanwhile, Bianca has finally gotten knocked up and gives birth to a baby boy she Igbo-ly names Divine. The other woman who Karishika took to Daddy Jonathan dies while giving birth to a baby-shaped tuber of yam.

And he left his wife’s body there.

A few years later, Bianca and Desmond’s son, Divine, has grown up to be a piece of shit, stealing and causing trouble everywhere. Bianca suggests that they take Divine for deliverance but Desmond refuses. When they both have synchronised nightmares about Divine trying to stab them to death, they decide to go to a pastor. On their way out of the house in the middle of the night, they run into the pastor in their living room. When they ask him why he’s there, he says:

And the entire time I’m just like, “DID YOU PEOPLE GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT LOCKING YOUR DOORS?!”

The pastor says he can sense evil in the house and asks to see their son. They make their way to his bedroom when they realise he’s been unconscious at a corner of the living room.

The same living room they’ve all been in this whole time.

HOW DID THEY NOT SEE HIM ON THEIR WAY OUT?!

The pastor performs an exorcism on Divine and this causes Karishika and a coupe of other demons to appear and start attacking the pastor with what looks like the choreography from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”

Lucifer, who has had a sickening costume change, is watching everything on his 32 inch TV in hell…

…when an angel descends from heaven to whoop his ass.

I REALLY need you guys to see this angel up close.

The angel tells Lucifer to stop being an evil bastard and Lucifer is like, “Fuck no.” So the angel leaves and God crushes all of hell with his giant caucasian palm.

Literally.

Bianca and her family are saved and the movie ends with what’s supposed to be a cliffhanger.

But slap my scrotum and call me Cletus if you see me watch any sequels or spinoffs because I’ve suffered enough watching this one.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Emotional Crack” So You Don’t Have To

Karishika Karishika Karishika Karishika

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the 2003 Nollywood drama, Emotional Crack, starring Ramsey Nouah, Stephenie Okereke Linus, and Dakore Egbuson-Akande.

That wig on Dakore’s head looks like a small rodent.

Long before the movie, Men in Love, Nollywood began its insane homophobic agenda with this movie. It starred Ramsey Nouah as a man trying to free his wife (Stephenie Okereke Linus) from the evil clutches of a home-wrecking lesbian (Dakore Egbuson).

The movie starts with Chudi (Ramsey Nouah) coming out of the shower in a towel. He’s wiping himself off when his wife, Crystal (Stephenie Okereke Linus) comes in and tries to initiate sex. You can tell that their marriage is a mess because Chudi is like:

Crystal sets up a candle-lit dinner so she and Chudi can celebrate his birthday when he gets back from work. What she doesn’t know is that Chudi is at the office spending time with Camilla (Dakore Egbuson-Akande), a woman whose snail he’s eating on the side.

Chudi is running late so Crytal calls to ask what’s taking him so long. Chudi, who had already promised to stay over at Camilla’s house that night because he FORGOT THAT IT WAS BIRTHDAY THAT DAY, starts to rush home when Camilla asks for a goodbye kiss. That kiss must’ve led to something else because he gets home THE NEXT MORNING looking like this:

It was either this or Beyonce’s “Partition”.

We get a deeper look into how messed up their marriage is when Crystal, understandably pissed, is like:

And Chudi responds by punching her in the face repeatedly. In typical abuser fashion, he comes back a while later to apologise, promising never to do it and feeds her breakfast like that’s supposed to change anything.

Later that day, Crystal goes to hang out with friends, wearing giant sunglasses to hide her bruises. When she takes them off, her friends scream and ask if her husband has been using her for WWE practice again. Crystal lies that the bruises are the effects of an allergy but her friends aren’t buying it.

Crystal is tired of being a housewife so she gets a job as an accountant. Because she didn’t tell him about it, Chudi beats her until she ends up in the hospital with a bandage around her head and a pack of Don Simon’s Sangria on her bedside table.

Chudi comes to the hospital with a gift and apologises for knocking her unconscious and leaving her lying in a pool of blood. He says he’s made an appointment with a pastor because he needs help.

A pastor. Lol

Chudi sees the pastor and sounds like he really does want to turn his life around but in the very next scene is shown on a date with Camilla. He tells her that he’s taking Crystal to a party he was supposed to attend with Camilla and Camilla is pissed. He walks off while she’s throwing a tantrum and she’s like:

While dancing with Crystal at the party, Chudi sees Camilla grinding on another man and goes to tell him to keep his hands off his girlfriend. As this is happening, Crystal starts dancing innocently with a random guy. Chudi sees this and speeds across the dance floor to slap her so hard the entire room — including Camilla — goes:

Men are trash.

Crystal goes to the bathroom to cry and Camilla follows to comfort her and they become friends. An unspecified amount of time later, Crystal goes to visit Camilla at her house. After eating inappropriately-sized pieces of chicken with rice, Crystal tells Camilla all the gory details about her marriage to Chudi. The entire time, Crystal is talking, Camilla looks at her like this:

When Crystal is done with her depressing monologue, Camilla gives her lingerie as a gift. Crystal is too excited about being given a gift to wonder why this person she doesn’t even really know is gifting her underwear. She eventually comes to her senses and asks why. That’s when Camilla says this:

Crystal immediately goes home and thinks about all the nice things Camilla has done for her while a generic early 2000s Nollywood soundtrack plays in the background. As she’s eating what’s supposed to be pizza but really looks like bread and egusi, Camilla calls.

Eventually, Crystal gives in and starts smooshing genitals with Camilla, and it turns out that lesbian sex was all Crystal needed to build her confidence. The next time Chudi tries to hit her, she stops him and says she won’t go down without a fight. Chudi is like:

Crystal confides in her twin sister about her affair with Camilla and it does not go down well.

And that wasn’t even all of it.

Crystal starts feeling guilty and attempts to end things with Camilla. Camilla threatens to out her, even going as far as sending a letter to Chudi’s office. Crystal goes to Camilla’s house to tell her to stop being a crazy bitch but gets seduced into one last roll in the hay. Things go south when Chudi shows up.

This is when Camilla reveals that she did all this as revenge for Chudi breaking up with her. She seduced Crystal and called Chudi to come over so he’d catch them in the throes of passion. Chudi is upset that Crystal cheated on him and throws her out of the house, which is INSANE BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER FIRST.

However, Camilla says she really has fallen in love with Crystal and stalks her begging for her love. Camilla eventually loses her mind and goes to Crystal’s house with a knife.

Chudi and Crystal’s twin sister happen to show up at Crystal’s house during this attack and Camilla threatens to stab all three of them.

But in a not so shocking turn of events, she ends up stabbing herself in the stomach and dies.

I Went Through Popular Illuminati Conspiracy Theories So You Don’t Have To

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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The year is 2009. It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re using the 10MB MTN gave you after loading N100 credit to browse Facebook on your Nokia Xpress Music phone. Rick Dees is counting away the hits on the radio and the song “Judas” by that new pop girl, Lady Gaga, comes on. You’re nodding your head to the beat and singing along when you gasp and stop because you realise that you sang the line that goes:

Now you’re spiralling because according to the guy that runs the VigilantCitzen website, Lady Gaga is an industry pawn sent by Baphomet to collect souls with her music and you’ve pledged your allegiance to him by singing that line.

Life is fucking awful.

I was on Twitter the other day when I came across this video:

Jesus protect us all. pic.twitter.com/yCqrVGReCE

— mon. (@mxniquexo) January 26, 2021

For those who didn’t watch the video because they don’t have data or just don’t like hearing word, the girl in it talks about how superstar singers like Beyonce have sold their soul to the devil to attain fame. Then she proceeds to play Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” played backwards, claims that she could hear some of the following lines in the gibberish:

“Now he made it in. He wish to infest. Living scared. The world will bow to Lucifer. The world will not have fun. The world will bow to me. People’s tears fall.”

This reminded me of when a lot of Nigerians (me included) were OBSESSED with Illuminati conspiracy theories and which artists’ songs could earn you a one-way ticket to the realm of eternal hot girl summer. So I decided to take us all on a cringe-worthy trip down memory lane by listing out the most popular ones.

1) When they said this sign was a fancy way of flashing the number of the beast (666).

I remember how I would froth at the mouth with a mix of fear and excitement whenever any famous person would do this. All because the bastard that put together that wildly inaccurate conspiracy theory video series titled “The Arrivals” claimed that it was a way famous people used to show that they were down with the prince of darkness.

2) When they said we shouldn’t listen to Chris Brown’s “Fallen Angel” because it’s supposedly about Lucifer.

I’m going to leave this one up to you guys. Listen to the lyrics and tell me what you think in the comments.

This isn’t the real video btw. Just a compilation of clips from different Christ Brown videos.

3) When they accused Obama of being the Antichrist.

It was all fun and games until the conspiracy theories surrounding Obama’s citizenship status took a turn for the supernatural and he was accused of hailing from down under (and I don’t mean Australia). This was so popular that if you typed in “Is Obama…” Google would complete it with “…the antichrist” or “reincarnated Adolf Hitler.”

4) When they accused Beyonce of giving birth to the antichrist in 2012.

Blue Ivy hadn’t fully formed in her mother’s womb when some people on the internet began referring to her as the literal spawn of Satan. They cited her mother’s superstar status and the secrecy surrounding her birth as proof.

Blue Ivy is 9 years old now and I can’t wait until she kickstarts the great tribulation and enslaves mankind for 7 years.

5) When they accused Don Jazzy and the entire MAVIN crew of initiating Nigerians into a cult with their 2014 hit song, “Dorobucci.”

“Is Don Jazzy’s Dorobucci An Occultic Song?” – Pulse

I mean, the song was a jam but people using “Doro” as a prefix to everything was annoying as hell. I would totally understand if someone made up this rumour so people would leave the song alone.

6) Finally, when they accused a ton of important people around the world of being humanoid reptilian aliens.

David Icke — the man who originated this conspiracy theory — has been described by many people as a professional theorist.

I don’t have any thing to say about that. I just think it’s fucking hilarious.

Here’s some of the stuff David Icke believes:

I mean, when you take into account the fact that Queen Elizabeth has been alive for 200 years one might wonder if she isn’t secretly related to Dr Curt Connors.

Now that we’ve gotten to the end of this, it’s time for YOU to sit quietly and cringe to death as you remember all the times you tried to tell people, unprovoked, that Rihanna got impregnated by the devil in the music video for “Umbrella” or that the real Beyonce died on the set of “Crazy In Love” and was replaced by Sasha Fierce.

Goodbye.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 2003 Nollywood movie titled, “Blood Sisters” starring Genevieve Nnaji and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde.

The movie starts with Esther (Genevieve) returning home from school with her friend, Chioma. They’re talking shit about one of their teachers when Chioma implies that Esther is an olodo by complaining about how Esther keeps asking her for answers during exams. Esther, who the movie has shown us is hot-headed, is about to whoop Chioma’s ass when her sister, Gloria (Omotola), breaks up the fight.

It kills me that old Nollywood thought putting grown-ass women in pinafores and cornrows was enough to de-age them.

Pissed that her sister didn’t take her side in this fight, Esther rushes home and puts Gloria in trouble with their mother (Patience Ozokwor) by implying that Gloria went somewhere after school. Their mother decides that Gloria must’ve gone a-hoeing so this happens when Gloria gets home:

And the whole time, Esther is just sitting there like:

After Esther puts Gloria in trouble a few more times, Gloria sits Esther down to ask why exactly she’s such a lying ass bitch. Esther reveals that it’s because she’s jealous of Gloria, and, in the same breath, accuses Gloria of using bleaching cream. The conversation ends with Gloria beating the shit out of Esther.

Three years later, both Esther and Gloria are now university babes decked in insane early 2000s fashion. Gloria now has a boyfriend and Esther is super jealous because she hasn’t been able to get a man of her own. One day, Gloria’s boyfriend, Emma, comes to the house when only Esther is home. Esther serves soap opera villain realness by lying and telling Emma that Gloria went to a hotel with another man. Emma believes her and leaves a letter for Gloria to read when she gets back. What follows is this iconic scene:

pls this is acc my fav video “keep being the bad girl you are”😭😭 pic.twitter.com/79AKvZPJae

— BukiRonke (@bukironke) September 28, 2020

Distraught and confused, Gloria wants to go beg Emma but Esther threatens to tell their mother if she does. She shames Gloria for crying over a man when there are “plenty fishes in the sea.” The next day, Esther goes to Emma’s house and is like:

But he’s still hurt by Gloria’s “infidelity” so he replies with this:

A few years later, Gloria is happily married to a man named Kenneth (Tony Umez) while Esther is broke and unemployed. Esther shows up at Gloria’s house in Lagos and asks to stay there for a few months while she looks for a job. Kenneth is initially against the idea but acquiesces after Gloria begs. Esther’s reaction when Gloria informs her that she can stay reveals that she’s still the same jealous bitch she’s always been.

I don’t know about y’all but if my sibling who’s dedicated their life to ruining mine asks to come to live with me, I’d say no. But I guess the writer insisted on making Gloria an idiot.

It doesn’t take long for Esther’s jealousy to overwhelm her. So one day, after an argument between her and Gloria, this happens:

This is how Esther decides to kill Gloria. And she does so by feeding her poisoned oranges.

Kenneth comes home with their kids. While he’s parking the car, their kids enter the house and find Gloria sprawled out on the living room floor like a rag doll. Without wondering why their mother is lying on the ground, they start bitching about being hungry.

When she doesn’t move, they scream for their dad, who runs in and goes:

Kenneth takes her to the hospital but it’s too late. When Gloria is pronounced dead, the child actress playing her daughter, Adaobi, proceeds to give the best performance in the entire movie.

How did they get her to cry like this?

Esther waits for three weeks after Gloria’s funeral to start hitting on Kenneth. However, he doesn’t get the hints so she takes things up a notch by visiting him in Lagos, pretending to have a nightmare, and seducing him.

Meanwhile, Kenneth’s kids are in the village with their grandmother and can’t fucking deal because she’s dirt poor and keeps feeding them yam everyday. This is because Esther has stopped Kenneth from visiting them or sending money for their upkeep. While Kenneth and Esther are giving each other googly eyes over giant pieces of chicken and Blue Cocktail…

…the kids have started hawking oranges to survive, which I found HILARIOUS seeing as it was oranges that killed their mother.

When Kenneth’s son, Junior, falls ill, Grandma goes to Lagos to find out why Kenneth hasn’t yet come to see his kids. She gets to the house to find Esther dressed in the official Nollywood madam-of-the-house uniform and visibly pregnant with Kenneth’s child.

Super grossed out by Esther’s actions, she goes back to the village to report to her late husband’s brothers. One of them agrees to go see Kenneth along with Adaobi. When they get there, Adaobi tearfully asks her father why he’s such a deadbeat piece of shit.

Seriously, someone give this girl an Oscar.

Adaobi runs away after her award-winning monologue and is found by the police. When she’s brought back home, Esther looks her in the face and says:

Esther demands that Kenneth retrieve Junior from the village so he can come help with house chores. Grandma is reluctant to let Junior go for fear of him being maltreated so she makes Kenneth swear on Gloria’s grave that he won’t. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how supernatural elements get shoved into the third act of this long ass movie in the form of Gloria’s ghost popping up to watch over her children.

Can my fellow “Sonic Underground” fans MAKE SOME NOISE?!!!

After seeing how Esther treats the kids, Ghost Gloria is like:

And she proceeds to do that.

Ghost Gloria visits Junior and Adaobi’s teacher in her dreams and begs her to go help them. She then visits Kenneth in his dream and tells him to “bring the teacher home.” When Esther goes into labour, Gloria stops the baby from coming out so Esther has to endure labour pains for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT. Then Ghost Gloria kills the baby as soon it’s born and causes Esther to lose her sight.

After a few more weeks of being haunted by Ghost Gloria, Esther returns to the village and confesses to killing Gloria. The elders of the village decide not to kill her (WTF?!) and banish her instead. The night before she’s to be banished, Esther commits suicide by hanging herself.

Which is insane because HOW DID A BLIND PERSON MANAGE TO DO THIS?!

I Watched Kate Henshaw’s Classic Comedy, Stolen Bible, So You Don’t Have To.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

I was ogling scantily clad people on my Instagram explore page one afternoon in December 2020 when a guy whose handle I didn’t recognise followed me. Thinking it was someone I knew in real life with a handle that didn’t match their government name, I clicked to view their profile hoping it would jog my memory. Scrolling down his profile for a few seconds confirmed I had no idea who this person was so I was going to bounce when his bio got my attention.

After letting out a small high-pitched scream, I tweeted about it:

And someone suggested this:

So I followed him back, hoping I could get him to explain how he does his thing.

I don’t exactly believe in money ritual. However, in the event that I’m wrong and money ritual is possible, I believe it’ll require the most powerful mystical energy source in the universe.

A human soul.

But then, I was bored so I thought, “Why the hell not?” I followed him back, and he messaged me immediately.

I replied…

…and he ignored my question, following it up with a question that no one wants to hear from a person they’re speaking to for the very first time.

I won’t lie, this question weirded me out. But I was determined to get a “So You Don’t Have To” article out of this so I continued.

And he ignored me AGAIN.

It made me want to scream because it was rude as hell. But I didn’t want to scare him away so I replied kindly and tried to push the conversation forward.

And he replied with a super cliché line.

We had finally gotten to why I was doing all this. Time to start the information extraction.

I was hesitant about giving him my phone number. I knew I was going to block him after getting the information I needed. But I hadn’t gotten this far to turn back.

I stored his name as “Herb’ because he had the word “herbalist” in his bio.

He kept trying to find out more information about me. So I went into LIE MODE.

After telling me his name, he kept asking questions like I was being interviewed for a job. Me I sha kept lying my ass off.

The Nigerian government would be so proud of me.

He kept doing this weird thing where he’ll reply to the last message he sent with “Ok” if I don’t respond fast enough.

So damn weird.

I didn’t know what to make of this question so I went with the most eager-sounding response I could think of.

That wasn’t enough for him though because he still asked this:

Then we FINALLY got down to business.

Something about him putting his picture on his bizarre rate card made me laugh so hard. I kept pushing for the information I needed.

But he insisted on me picking one of the options on his rate card so I did.

What came next was something I couldn’t lie my way around.

Giving out a phone number (I hardly ever use) is one thing. But sending my name and full picture? That’s some old school Nollywood witchcraft shit. Your boy got scared. So for the first time in the conversation, I told the truth.

He attempted to soothe my fears…

…and did a terrible job by asking this:

The following meme best describes the reaction I had to this request.

I lied that the network where I was was bad and a video call wouldn’t work. I was tired of his reluctance to spill tea and my responses were starting to show it.

He kept trying to convince me to send my picture and I let him know I would only do so if he explained how his “magic” works. He agreed.

Then kept trying to get me to part with money.

*heavy Igbo sigh*

He was so focused on trying to get me to send money, he skipped my question and went straight to talking about the native costs.

He can make money out of thin air but he lives in Ijebu Ode. Ok oh.

I was going to keep leading him on until he said this:

And suddenly, I was like:

While I tried to figure out my next move, he kept sending messages.

Then he sent a video of someone pouring money out of a bag.

So I did the only I had left to do.

I thought that was the end of it until he popped back up like a sexually ambiguous slasher movie villain.

With another number! AH!!!

I started begging because I genuinely did not want to do again. But he refused to hear word and kept pleading. I became irritated and blocked that number too because what kind of self-respecting juju man begs customers for patronage?

Arab money family bawo.

Or is it?

Honestly, I still worry sometimes that the guy is going to find and force me to do a vegan money ritual in Ijebu Ode while dressed in Kente cloth. So if I go missing at any point, know that I did it to bring you guys fun content and AVENGE ME!!!

I Went Through Weird Sex Toy Shops So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. Due to the article’s popularity, a coworker suggested that I start doing weekly recaps of hilariously insane pieces of media (books, movies, etc) in a series that was eventually named “So You Don’t Have To.”

It’s been over a year since then and with 2020 ending (us) soon, I decided to compile a list of the most-read articles in the series.

1) I Watched The Nollywood ‘Diamond Ring’ Franchise So You Don’t Have To

This recap was brought to you by my obsession with this movie and my crush on Ghost Liz Benson. I whipped all of you in the face with nostalgia and got to see Ghost Liz Benson again in all her terrible 90s CGI glory. It was a win-win situation. Read the article here.

2) The Spiritual Origin Of (And Covenant Behind) Wigs & Weaves

This book was written by a woman named Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo. She claims to have been a high-ranking agent hell who was present when artificial hair was invented by the QUEEN OF THE COAST and MEDUSA. That isn’t even the best part. Read my recap here.

3) Witchcraft & The Idolatry Of Beyonce, According To This Insane Conspiracy Theory

A few days after the premiere of Beyonce’s “Black Is King’, a woman named Delphine “The Delphinator” Okobah posted a ten-slide carousel on her Instagram claiming that Beyonce is a witch trying to enchant the world’s youth. This article was the first time I recapped a conspiracy theory. Read it here.

4) The Queen Of The Coast’s Terrible Plan For Humans According To This Insane Book

Written in the first person and sounding like a very angry diary entry, this book outlines what the author wants us to believe are the Queen of Coast’s terrible plans for humans. Something involving 1.8 million trained female spiritual assassins, demonic cosmetics, and an incurable asshole disease. Read my recap here.

5) I Watched The Movie ‘365 Days’ So You Don’t Have To

The Polish erotic romantic drama film, ‘365 Days’ came out this year on Netflix and everyone lost their minds because of how steamy the sex scenes are and how terrible everything else about it is. People referring to it as “Fifty Shades of Grey on steroids” made me watch it. They were not wrong. Read my recap here.

6) Understanding the Mystery & Dangers Of Masturbation According To This Insane Book

In the book’s first paragrah, the authorclaims that masturbation is the act of having sexual intercourse with demons and impregnating/getting pregnant by them. The rest of the book made my head spin. Read my recap here.

7) I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Men In Love’ So You Don’t Have To

This 2010 movie was clearly made by homophobic Nigerians hoping to make other homophobic Nigerians foam at the mouth with homophobia. They succeeded but also ended up making a movie so bad — in every way — that it circled around and became unintentional comedy. Read my recap here.

8) I Watched The Nollywood Movie, ‘End of the Wicked’ So You Don’t Have To 

Many people don’t know but this insane piece of propaganda was written & produced by pastor, self-proclaimed witch hunter, and all-around threat to children everywhere, Helen Ukpabio. After witnessing the movie’s insanity, I closed my laptop and screamed, “HELEN UKPABIO MUST BE STOPPED!” Read my recap here.

9) I Went Through The Reviews Of Adamu Garba’s Crowwe App So You Don’t Have To

From complaints about it stealing personal data to displaying pornographic ads, Adamu Garba’s Crowwe app has gotten terrible reviews. I took it upon myself to go through the app’s reviews on the app store and make a compilation of the funniest ones. Read the article here.

10) The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships According To This Book

Are you a fan of eating your partner’s genitals as a form of foreplay? If so, the author of this book says that the devil has infiltrated your life and that you’re royally screwed. Read my recap of this insane book here.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, in honour of the remake coming out soon, I will be recapping the iconic horror Nollywood movie, ‘Nneka The Pretty Serpent.’

I get that this was made in 1992 but this fonts are overwhelming.

‘Nneka The Pretty Serpent’ has been on my list of potential SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO fodder for while. So with the remake coming out soon, I decided to bump it to the top of the list. For the people who want a little bit of backstory before watching the remake.

We owned a VHS tape of this movie in my house when I was a kid. The tape’s pack had the title character on it in the middle of her transformation into a cat and that shit gave me nightmares. I swore I’d never watch it again but here I am, watching it for work.

Capitalism wins again.

The movie starts with a woman holding a live chicken and screaming at a river. From her monologue lets us know she’s been ridiculed by everyone in the village because of her inability to have a kid. So she’s come to the river goddess with an offer too good to refuse.

And then tosses the chicken in the river.

RIP to that chicken.

After the opening credits, we meet Nneka (Ndidi Obi). It’s never actually stated but Nneka is the kid that the river goddess gave the woman in the opening scene. Nneka is hanging out with her friend, Nkechi (Ngozi Ezeonu), and from the way they’re dressed, you can tell that they’re the 90s version of happening babes. They’re approached by a woman named Mrs Ogbonna who tells Nneka this:

Nneka and Nkechi read Mrs Ogbonna for filth and she goes home to take matters up with her husband, Mr Ogbonna. He gaslights her by insulting her for attacking someone (Nneka) that has done nothing to her. Enraged, she calls him a:

He slaps her across the face, expecting her to be quiet but she fights back and proceeds to whoop his philandering ass.

And the entire time, I’m like:

Sadly, their maid, Uloma, separates them before things get ugly.

We’re introduced to two characters named Ify and Tony.

They’re a couple but Ify is scared that Tony might be taking her for idiat. She tells him this and to calm her mind, he takes her to his village to meet his family. When this happens, I’m like:

Taking you to meet his family doesn’t mean shit. He can still leave you barefoot and pregnant on 3rd mainland bridge at midnight when he decides to move mad.

As revenge for embarrassing her in public, Nneka goes to the Ogbonna household to force-feed their son poisoned bananas. When Uloma, their maid, is like “Who the fuck are you?” Nneka just goes:

And Uloma complies.

The next time we see Nneka, she’s chilling on an abandoned road at night in her cat form. It looks like she’s just chilling but it turns out she’s on a mission to kill Mrs Ogbonna. She stops Mrs Ogbonna’s car and stabs her to death with her long ass nails.

I don’t understand why she looks constipated sha.

After killing his wife and son, Nneka decides that she’s done with Mr Ogbonna and blocks his number…or whatever people did in the 90s to stop people from calling them. She moves on to her next victim.

Tony.

She sees Tony at a party and decides that he must be hers. She’s so determined, she tries to sex him up in front of his fiancée, Ify.

Because Tony is a banker, she lies that she uses the excuse of wanting to open a domiciliary bank account to get his phone number, get him to take her to dinner, and makes him spend the night at her house.

In the middle of the night, Nneka rings up her spiritual husband.

When Satan asks Nneka what she wants from Tony, she says this:

And she proceeds to do just that. For no fucking reason.

Because Nneka is a messy bitch who lives for drama, she goes to Tony’s house when she knows Tony isn’t home and argues with Ify. Tony returns home mid-argument and asks Nneka why she came there knowing he wasn’t home. Like a true chaotic queen, Nneka says this:

And leaves.

Tony runs after her, begging for her forgiveness. He even says this:

This is the ultimate proof that no matter the decade, MEN ARE SCUM!!!

A few days later, Ify walks into Tony’s house and finds him sucking lips with Nneka. When she asks what the fuck is going on, Tony is like:

And throws her out of his house. When Tony’s friends, C.Y and Emeka, ask him why he dumped Ify, he tells them it’s because he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with his new love, Nneka. Eneka and C.Y laugh and burst Tony’s bubble in the meanest way possible.

But he accuses them of being jealous and goes ahead to marry Nneka. In retaliation for bad-mouthing her, Nneka kills C.Y by setting his face on fire.

It doesn’t take long for Nneka to suck Tony dry. (Not literally lmao.) He loses his job at the bank and she makes him a waiter at the restaurant he opened for her back when he was loaded.

After that, Nneka goes…You know what?

I was going to recap the sequel too but I now see that this movie is 10% movie and 90% filler. It’s mostly just Nneka ruining Tony’s life and killing anyone who tries to save him. So to save time, I’m skipping to the end of the second movie.

From what I can see at end of the sequel, Ify broke Tony free from the Nneka’s shackles at some point but Nneka wormed her way back into their lives disguised as someone else. Now she wants to take Tony to the marine kingdom so she can have him to herself. First, she has Ify run over by a car because why the hell not? Then she telepathically calls Tony to join her at the beach so they can swim off into the sunset.

Tony’s friend, Emeka, and a pastor find Tony at the beach and begin a hot casting and binding session.

The prayers seemingly don’t work and Tony keeps walking to Nneka. Just when we think all hope is lost, he grabs her neck and chokes the shit out of her until she dies and turns into a CGI skeleton.

Until next week, y’all.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Men In Love’ So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I’ll be finishing what I started last week by recapping the final movie in the ‘Diamond Ring’ saga.

This tagline is awful.

If you’re coming across the SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO series for the first time or didn’t read last week’s entry, you’ll need to catch up on that. Here’s the link:

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Diamond Ring’ So You Don’t Have To

Read it then return to this. Or just read this if you like chaos and confusion.

Unlike most Nollywood movies from that era, ‘Diamond Ring 2’ doesn’t start with the scene the previous movie ended with. While the first movie ends with Ghost Liz Benson appearing in Chidi’s family house, fucking up their light bulbs, and giving them 8 days to return her ring, this movie starts a day later, with Dike, Chidi’s dad, at the joint Chidi sold the ring. A joint hilariously named The Drug Joint.

Did you think I was joking?

Dike is there to get the hotel address of Robert, the white building contractor who bought the ring from Chidi. While standing in a corner and trying not to draw attention to himself, even though he’s wearing a giant white agbada, a girl at the joint attempts to sex him up in broad daylight.

Dike is horrified by this brazen hussy and pushes her away. This pisses her off so much she grabs and squeezes his balls in retaliation.

Dike is rescued by the owner of the bar who asks for money before giving up the info. Dike and Ijeoma (Chidi’s mother) go to the hotel and are told that Robert has returned to London. Determined to save his son’s life, Dike flies to London, dressed in an agbada so insane it would make Kermit the Frog scream, “Wetin be dis??”

Who was the costume designer for this movie??

When he gets to London, it’s 5 days to the deadline Ghost Liz Benson gave them. He calls Robert but finds out Robert won’t be available for the next 2 days. When Dike does meet Robert, he tells Robert the whole story and Robert is like:

And I don’t blame him tbh. Would YOU believe such a story if you were in his shoes?

Robert empathises with Dike but informs him that he doesn’t have the ring anymore. He says he gave it to his girlfriend, Leigh, who he’s no longer with. Dike begs Robert to go get the ring from Leigh but Robert is like “Fuck no” because he’s scared of Leigh’s new husband. He eventually agrees to go as long as Dike goes with him.

When they get to Leigh’s house and explain why they’re there, she is furious.

Leigh agrees to give it back because just like all the people who benefitted in some way from the stuff stolen from Ghost Liz Benson, her life has become incredibly shitty. While she’s searching for it, her husband — who looks like discount Louis C. K — returns home from work. When he walks into the house and sees Robert, he asks:

Then he turns to Dike and adds:

That line made me go:

I get this was 1998 but still.

Discount Louis C. K beats the shit out of Dike and Robert and throws them out of the house. Leigh comes outside to accuse Robert of being a coke head one last time and angrily throws the ring into traffic.

After witnessing their story, it made me sad that Robert and Leigh never got a spin-off movie/series. I would’ve watched the hell out of that.

Dike returns to Nigeria with the ring and finds out that Chidi’s illness has worsened. Thinking their troubles are over, they summon Ghost Liz Benson to return the ring. She complains about her casket being stolen and demands to be re-buried with decency. Aunty (Chidi’s aunty who the writers legit didn’t give a name) informs Ghost Liz Benson that a different set of people stole her casket but Ghost Liz Benson is like:

She lets them know that her casket has been used to bury someone she hates in Ado Ekiti. She also tells instructs them to find her children and have them present at her new burial. She gives them only 24 HOURS to do all this and then she disappears. Dike sits in a chair and once again contemplates whooping Chidi’s ass for stressing the entire family out like this.

That’s the same question I’ve asked many times in the past.

Dike and Aunty set off to Ado Ekiti to retrieve the damn casket. With the help of Aunty’s mutant-style powers — which have conveniently evolved to include mind control — they’re able to get people to dig up the casket, toss the body inside aside like a rag doll, and transport the casket to Lagos. Here’s a rundown of the shit they go through during all this:

They get stopped by the police:

One of the truck’s tyres falls off:

The truck breaks down:

Causing them to switch trucks:

They get stuck in traffic:

Then they meet the guy in charge of Ikoyi Cemetery (where Ghost Liz Benson was buried) and he tells them a load of shit.

They solve all these problems with the power of money and Aunty’s mutant abilities. Dike and Aunty go to tell Ghost Liz Benson’s kids that she wants to see them but they all laugh and accuse Dike of being a ritualist. Aunty decides that she’s had enough of their bullshit and uses her mind control powers to get them to the cemetery. When they summon Ghost Liz Benson, she shows up and is like:

Like she wasn’t the one who didn’t sent them to do shit.

After being told that all her instructions have been carried out, Ghost Liz Benson drags EVERY SINGLE PERSON present. She drags her kids for being greedy and never caring about her, which explains why her tomb was robbed and they had no idea until Dike told them. She lets them know that she sees the shit they do, hears all the shit they say about her, and warns them to stop being ungrateful pieces of shit.

The kids are like:

She turns to Dike & Ijeoma and insults the hell out of them for being shitty parents who think throwing money at their kids substitutes for actual parenting. She restores Chidi (who hasn’t said a single word this entire movie) back to health and is like:

The End

Me after watching this:

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Diamond Ring’ So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror film “Diamond Ring.”

This poster lives in my mind rent-free because there’s no scene like this in the movie.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with ‘Diamond Ring.’ What they don’t know, however, is why that is. Seeing as I’m an adult now and nobody can beat me, I’m just going to come out and say it.

I have a huge crush on Ghost Liz Benson.

Let’s just get into the movie.

The movie starts with Ghost Liz Benson sitting in a cloud and announcing her plans to fuck up the lives of some humans because they’ve refused to let her sleep. She’s says a lot of things but here’s the gist of it.

The “junior secondary school CRK teacher wig and Tony Montana powder” combo is KILLING ME.

The movie cuts to a university dorm room and we meet the protagonist, Chidi (played by a babyfaced Teju Babyface). Chidi has a fever or some shit and his roommates are wiping his head with a wet cloth like they’re cleaning dirty furniture.

Because the school clinic can’t figure out what’s wrong with him, Chidi is sent home so his family doctor can take a crack at it. That’s when we meet his super-rich parents, Dike and Ijeoma (played by Richard Mofe-Damijo and Sola Sobowale).

I had to pause the movie here to scream because of how overwhelmed I was by the colour-scheme of RMD’s outfit.

The doctor tells them he can’t find anything wrong with Chidi. He says that it’s most likely school stress taking its toll and then says this stupid shit…

…while Chidi just lies in the corner and is like:

Months pass and Chidi doesn’t get better. Chidi’s aunty (played by the late Bukky Ajayi) returns to the house from…somewhere. She walks into the living room and greets everyone with the Igbo word:

And it occurred to me right then that the makers of this movie really cast a group of Yoruba people (Delta in RMD’s case) to unconvincingly play an Igbo family for some reason. Why not just have the family be Yoruba? WHAT WAS THE REASON??

After taking one look at Chidi, Aunty (they never even bothered to give her a name) says that the source of his illness is spiritual but refuses to say what exactly Chidi did to bring this upon himself.

Which is very convenient in this case but whatever I guess.

Dike tells her to quit playing and spill the tea but she says that if she spills before Chidi does, Chidi will drop dead. Ijeoma spends the duration of this conversation punctuating every reveal with one of these:

Which every Nigerian knows is a sign of the Yoruba jumping out.

Dike threatens to whoop Chidi’s ass for refusing to confess and then we’re hit with a flashback out of no-fucking-where. The barely-legible text on the screen just says:

Beginning of when? TIME?? This is NOT how you pull a ‘Memento’ with your movie’s timeline.

Chidi is prepping to go off to Unilag and Dike is bitching because the school requires parents to come sign an undertaking promising that their kids will behave right. On Chidi’s first night in uni, he goes for a party, meets a girl named Bimbo (played by Bimbo Akintola), and befriends a cultist named Lami, who also happens to be his roommate. Chidi and Lami have a conversation that goes like this:

Lami tells Chidi that a lecturer named Mr Bright has been sexually assaulting Bimbo. Chidi asks Bimbo about it and she denies but later confesses. When nothing changes after reporting to the VC, Chidi decides to join the cult so he can protect Bimbo. His first cult task is to wreck Mr Bright’s office and leave a message:

“YASSSS! FUCK THAT NIGGA UP!!!” – Me, watching this scene.

The plan works and Mr Bright stops being an unfortunate bastard. Chidi is informed of his next cult task offscreen and is shown telling the cult’s leader, Don, that he doesn’t want to do it because it’s gross. Don replies with this:

And Chidi is like:

We find out in the next scene that Chidi’s second task is grave-robbing. The cult breaks into a cemetery and go into the tomb of a rich dead woman played by Liz Benson. (Her name is never revealed.)

They swipe all the valuables she was buried with, including the eponymous diamond ring. Chidi is horrified by this and leaves to go wait for them outside. Not long after, they hear the sounds of people approaching, assume it’s the police, and make off with as much booty as they can.

However, it’s just another group of grave robbers who show up, see the looted tomb, and become pissed that other people beat them to it.

Even though Chidi failed his second test, he’s still initiated into the cult by Don because of how rich Chidi’s father is. Don even gives Chidi the diamond ring while sharing the things they stole from dead Liz Benson. This angers the cult’s deputy leader, Gus, and it causes chaos within the cult, leading to many of the cult’s members being killed.

This made me sad because Don was my favourite character. Don’t ask why.

Meanwhile, Chidi has sold the ring and used the money to buy a car for Bimbo. She suspects that he’s joined a cult and asks him about it but he denies. Not long after, he comes down with an unidentified illness. Then the long as hell flashback finally ends and we’re returned to the present.

If you thought ‘Inception’ was confusing, I dare you to tackle the insane timeline of ‘Diamond Ring.’

In the present, Chidi’s sack of tribulations gets heavier when he learns that Lami and Bimbo have been involved in an accident. He’s told that Lami died on the spot and Bimbo is alive but in need of N20,000 for blood. So he steals money from his dad’s home stash.

Chidi gets the money to the hospital but before the blood arrives, Bimbo dies in his arms. Almost on cue, the guy who was sent to buy the blood walks in HOLDING THE BAG IN HIS HANDS.

I’m sorry but LMFAOOOOOOOOOO!

Chidi returns home and finally confesses. Before his father can whoop his ass, his mother faints and the lights start to flicker.

And Ghost Liz Benson appears in all her glory!

Turns out she was behind everything (Chidi’s illness, Bimbo’s accident, the cult’s infighting etc). She gives them 8 days to return her diamond bling or face her wrath and then disappears. Dike asks Chidi where the ring is and Chidi reveals he sold it to a building contractor who has left the country.

The movie ends with a shot of Dike resisting the urge to tackle his sick son to the ground. Then we get this:

For now.

CLICK THE LINK TO READ MY RECAP OF THE SECOND MOVIE.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie ‘Diamond Ring 2’ So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be bringing you a few insane sex toys I found in the sex toy Internet rabbit hole I fell down last night.

I swear I can explain.

So a friend sent me this tweet yesterday:

This might be the most n*ggarest shit I seen this week.
pic.twitter.com/d8GkGlx8fF

— PhillyTheBoss.com (@PhillyTheBoss) November 21, 2020

A girl in the replies talked about how this unnecessary abomination reminds her of a home penis molding kit she once saw on sale at a sex shop. Because I found it hard believing that that’s an actual thing, I went a-googling and found it…along with many other things I’m now going to share with you all because I can’t be mentally scarred by myself.

It’s going to be a weirdly sexy ride.

The Chocolate Asshole

Do you want to get your significant other a gift but can’t think of anything? You should consider getting them a box of edible anuses.

Yes. For a small fee, you can get miniature chocolate replicas of your asshole for your significant other (or anyone else) to enjoy when they can’t be physically present to chew on your anus.

Deep Throat Oral Spray

If your pesky gag reflex is keeping you from delivering unforgettable blow jobs, this product is the thing for you. According to the description on Amazon, spraying this in your mouth numbs the back throat, allowing you, as the name suggests, to deep throat anything from your toothbrush to the penis of that person you keep hooking up with in the bathroom of Ikeja City Mall because neither one of you can host.

The Penis Molding Kit

For when only that special penis will do. If a penis you consider special happens to belong to someone you’re not dating or can’t hook up with as frequently as you want, just show up at their door and beg them to do this so you’ll never bother them again. Everybody wins.

The Fuckable Brain

This sex toy is exactly what you think it is. A squishy brain with a hole in the back you can stick your penis in on those days when your inner sapiosexual takes over. Personally, I think this toy is scary as shit. Then again, it sold out in Japan so what do I even know?

The Electroshock Stimulation Kit

For those who love a side of electrocution with their fornication. God airpus.

The Fuckable Foot

I feel like the makers of this set out to make a sex toy for people with a foot fetish but ended up making something for people who fantasise about fucking severed feet. This shit looks too much like a real foot. All the people who’ve purchased this should be on the FBI’s watchlist.

The Zombie Fleshlight/Dildo Combo

Everyone knows that there’s nothing better than a teeth-heavy blowjob. Also, it’s a known fact that people go crazy for penises that look like rotten sausage.

The Alien Sex Blow-Up Doll

I can’t prove it but I just know the three-breasted prostitute in ‘Total Recall’ inspired this.

The Tongue-tacle

How does this even work? It’s just a tangled mass of disembodied tongue. Hian.

Finally, we have The Fuckable Ear

Penises (no matter how tiny) can’t fit in ear canals and ejaculating into someone’s ear would probably leave them with a gross ear infection so I don’t even understand this.

Me after seeing all these things:

I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be going through a couple of those text message books that were super popular in the early 2000s and highlighting the most insane texts I find.

But first:

For people who were too young when these books were a thing.

Back in the early 2000s, when cellphones were new in Nigeria, some people saw Nigeria’s growing obsession with text messaging as a way to make money. So they began making these text compilation books, filled with texts they got from the internet. Because the internet wasn’t as easily accessible then as it is now, these books sold like wildfire.

The texts were always grouped into categories (Love, Friendship etc) and titled in a weird way. Like someone in the throes of a fever dream just threw words together.

“Good morning, sir. I want to buy HOT, FRESH, AND NEW POWERFUL EMOTIONAL TEXT MESSAGES.”

Even weirder was how 90% of these books had Nollywood actresses on their covers for some reason.

Can you imagine being a popping actress in the early 2000s just trying to get to the set of your 6th movie in 1 week and then you see yourself on the cover of FRIENDSHIP GSM TEXT VMOBILE MTN GLO MESSAGES VOLUME 4?

Anyway, I found a couple of these that belonged to my sister and after going through them, realised they would make a great entry in the “So You Don’t Have To” series. I’ll pick 4 texts from 4 categories. Because these are hard copies, there will be no screenshots.

Let’s get into it.

“If I hav a heart attack, den dat’s all bcuz of u. Cuz u r in my heart wit anoda heart dat is ur heart, which is striking my heart and saying I LOVE U!”

Whoever wrote this either lacks knowledge of basic human anatomy or this was their attempt at body horror. Either way, I’m bothered by it.

“I wish I cud break my ribs 2 make a pen, cut my skin 2 make a paper, take out my blood 2 make ink just 2 write I miss u. 100% love u.”

This person must’ve read King Solomon’s Mines way too many times because what the fuck is this shit? NONE of this is necessary. Jesus.

“The way u look into my eyes, it scares me, The way u say I Luv U, it scares me. The way u know just what to say, it scares me. The way U scare me, I luv it.”

This is the ideal romantic text for when you’re dating a biblically accurate angel.

“If u r in a dark room, you find blood everywhere and the walls are shaking, don’t worry, dear. U r at the safest place. U r inside my heart.”

Girl, what the fuck??

“I’m sending you 3 little hearts 2 remind u of 3 things, I’m HERE, I CARE, and I MISS U!”

Do those hearts come with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? I see you, Hannibal Lecter.

“No one is 2 young for love bcos love doesn’t cum from ur mind, which knows ur age but from ur heart, which knows no age.”

Is it just me or does this sound like pedophile propaganda?

“I’m going to write on all the bricks I MISS U and I wish that one falls on ur head, so that u know how it hurts when u miss someone special.”

You might as well just break into their house and bash their head in with a blunt object until they get it.

“I’m sick. I can’t breathe properly since u’ve gone. Coz u r not my love ur my breath. I don’t want to die, please please please, please, come back soon and save me. MISSSSSSSSSSS u a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT.”

Anyone that sends you shit like this is capable of that “If I can’t have you, no one can” shit. You in danger, girl.

“I know it’s ur birthday 2day…I am sure u’ll give me a big treat in a hotel…so I shall talk 2 you in person there, coz I want 2 express my feelings in SMS.”

Uh…WHAT?

“The museum curator called today and spoke in animated tones. He has a team of scientists who want to carbon date your bones. Happy Birthday.”

Ok. This is just fucking rude.

“Today is a day of celebration. Why? XX years ago on the same day, GOD sent my flesh and bone conscience. Wishing my friendly inner voice a very happy b-day. Hugs & Kisses.”

This is the text Pinocchio sends Jiminy on his birthday every year.

“This day, when the most beautiful female MIND was born, is my most beautiful day. Luv and Long live.”

……………………………..???

“Always start your day with a lot of SEX. S(mile) E(nergy) X(citement). So make SEX a daily habit and u’ll always B SUCSEXFUL in LIFE!”

I DEMAND A RESTRAINING ORDER, YOUR HONOUR!!!

“Last nite, I wanted u, needed u so badly dat it hurt. Wanted 2 taste u. I wanted u un me so u could work your magic on me…but I cudn’t find u…u stupid…PARACETAMOL.”

*heavy igbo sigh*

“In case of fire, read this message…I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

Ok. This one made me laugh a bit.

“Just go to hell. Yes U only! Bcos only you can change hell into heaven by ur sweetness.”

You know what? These messages are giving me whiplash. I’m done.

See you next week.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie, ‘End of the Wicked’ So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the insane 1999 Nollywood movie titled, ‘End of the Wicked.’

“End Of The Wicked is a Nigerian horror movie that tells the story of how the forces of darkness destroy good people and how they are being saved by the power of the Almighty God.”

– The film’s Wikipedia page

Whoever wrote that used so many words to say nothing. Also, that part about “gripping and suspense-packed depictions and screenplay” is a fucking lie.

I don’t know if a lot of people already know this but ‘End of the Wicked’ was written & produced by pastor, self-proclaimed witch hunter, and all-around threat to children everywhere, Helen Ukpabio. Like writing and funding this piece of insane propaganda wasn’t enough, Helen Ukpabio also cast herself in it, as the person who comes in and saves everyone from the clutches of evil.

Legend has it that she’s a huge fan of M. Night Shyamalan.

The film starts with this message:

I have a feeling that this isn’t true.

What follows are the opening credits, superimposed over a montage of witches flying to a meeting that’s taking place during the day for some reason.

I think homegirl here looked so stressed out because she was running late.

They all arrive at their meeting point in the middle of the bush. The camera pans to each one and I need you to see what they all look like.

It truly made me feel some type of way that the movie’s makeup artist thought that burn victim = witch.

Their leader, Beelzebub (Alex Usifo), shows up looking like he just got done giving head to someone on their period.

He instructs them to “change into their glorious bodies” and they all turn into different animals. After that, he gets to the main agenda of the meeting: the coven’s blood bank running low. He says that this is unacceptable and gives them 24 hours to refill the bank.

Sadly, that didn’t happen.

The movie uses night time aerial shots of Lagos as transition scenes and this kills me because there’s no light and you can’t see shit. We’re shown an older woman lying in her bedroom with her eyes wide open. When the clock strikes 1 AM, she astral-projects out of her room, causing 2 children somewhere in the house to wake up screaming.

Which makes their mother, Stella (Hilda Dokubo), rush in and be like:

They tell her they were having nightmares of “someone pressing them” (sleep paralysis demon representation matters) so she calms them down, assuring them that their father will solve the problem. Their father, Chris (Charles Okafor), calls a family meeting the next day. The astral projecting woman from the night before is present. It’s revealed that she’s Charles’ mother and lives with him and Stella. This is how the meeting goes:

Charles: “What’s this I hear about oppression and nightmares?”

Stella (hisses): “Charles. I don’t see you being serious about this issue. Your wife and children’s lives are in danger and this is all you have to say??”

Charles: “What the hell are you bitching at me for? I’m addressing the issue, aren’t I?!”

Charles’ Mother: “It’s enough, my son.”

Charles: “Shut up, mama! It is not enough! Stella refuses to let me be the man of the…”

Which didn’t even surprise me. Because why did either one of them think a family meeting would solve the problems of nightmares?

At the next coven meeting, one of the witches announces that she’s brought someone looking to join. When Beelzebub finds out the new recruit’s name is Godwin, he smirks and says, “God win indeed” and the witches laugh.

I’m like:

Because you just know that Helen Ukpabio thought she’d struck comedy gold with that line.

They make him drink blood and prove his loyalty to the coven by destroying the business of a woman named Stephanie. Stephanie is a nurse and is giving a patient a chloroquine injection when the new recruit appears in the room (in the form of an owl) and causes the patient to die.

Charles’ mother, who is a member of this coven and goes by the witch code name Lady Destroyer, tells Beelzebub that she wants to make her son suffer for — I shit you not — the crime of taking care of her every need. Beelzebub agrees and sentences Charles to spiritual life imprisonment.

Meanwhile, Charles and Stella’s daughter is about to get her very own storyline. She begs for puff puff from a random kid on the playground and then later that night, has her spirit (and the spirits of other kids who ate his puff puff) summoned by the random kid with the chant:

Yes. This is the origin of that story we all heard growing up.

He flies off with them to Beelzebub’s coven meeting, where all the witches are announcing their plans to ruin Charles’ life. It’s revealed that the puff puff kid is the head of the coven’s kid’s department. All the kids are immediately initiated.

Unfortunately for Stephanie the nurse, her son is one of the coven inductees. He tries to tell her this but she dismisses him. The next night, when her husband is asleep, the kid witches show up in a random man’s bedroom and fuck up his spine by literally eating it like rice.

Then they eat his eyes in the spiritual realm…

…making him blind in real life.

Everything in Charles’ life turns to shit (not literally) and the coven tricks him into thinking it’s Stella’s fault. Out of nowhere, he decides to go to a native doctor for help and his mother promises to take him to one she knows. He doesn’t even ask why she just happens to have a native doctor on speed dial.

When Charles’ sister, Tina, calls to let them know she’s returning to Nigeria with her new husband, their mother tells Beelzebub to remove Tina’s womb, fry it, and and hang it at the coven’s meeting. Why? Because she can’t stand to see her children happy.

I’m just like:

Oh, there’s more.

Lady Destroyer somehow takes things up a notch and asks to be bestowed with a penis so she can have sex with Stella every night. Beelzebub tells her to slap her thigh 3 times. She does and grows a huge schlong.

Things get even worse for Charles when their son dies. Up next is the family’s housemaid who dies from electrocution and this leads to the police arresting Charles like it’s his fault. The housemaid’s parents arrive and initially want justice but ask for N500,000 when the police inspector advises them to settle the case out of court. This is 1999 and Charles doesn’t have that kind of money. So this happens:

I can’t tell you how hard this made me scream.

Meanwhile, Stephanie the nurse has lost her job. Frustrated, she tells her husband that she’s sick of his shit (being blind) and announces that she’s leaving. When her husband and son beg her not to leave, she knocks her husband to the ground and tells her son this to his face before leaving:

In despair, her husband stabs himself in the stomach with a knife…right in front of their kid.

And the kid, who caused all this with the powers he got from demon daycare, just stands there and watches his father bleed to death.

Charles’ sister, Tina, arrives from…the abroad (they literally didn’t bother to name the country) with her husband, Emeka, and Lady Destroyer carries on with her plan to ruin Tina’s life. First, she destroys the engine of Emeka’s new car.

Petty.

Then uses a dog to spiritually steal Tina’s womb.

And hangs it in a tree.

It’s at this point that Pastor Priscilla is introduced, played by honorary Winchester sister, Helen Ukpabio herself. She literally shows up at their house out of nowhere and asks them to join her in prayer. Stella gives her life to Christ.

Charles and Stella’s remaining child, Mercy, starts exhibiting rebellious behaviour. Most people would say it’s because she lost her only brother and never processed the grief properly. But Pastor Priscilla declares that it’s signs of witchcraft and asks that Stella take Mercy for deliverance. (She was right but still…) Stella prepares to do this but Lady Destroyer finds out and kills Charles to throw her off.

At Charles funeral, some old guy insists that for everyone to be sure stella isn’t responsible for Charles’ death, she has to drink the water used to wash his corpse. Stella is like “Fuck no!” and the crowd starts screaming for her to drink it. Pastor Priscilla tells the crowd to shut up and promises to find Charles real killer in a couple of days.

Lady Destroyer FINALLY decides to kill Stella but unfortunately for her, Stella and Pastor Priscilla are in the middle of a hot prayer session. Lady Destroyer’s magic backfires, causing her to confess to all the shit she’s done in front of a mob, who proceed to beat the shit out of her. A dog bursts out of her stomach and she dies, looking like a wrecked pinata.

See you next week.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the controversial 2010 direct-to-video Nollywood movie titled, ‘Men In Love’.

“The film tells a story of how a couple experiencing troubles in their marriage had their situation worsened when a cursed homosexual friend visits them.” –

– The Film’s Wikipedia page

I found out about this movie for the first time in April 2020 when my babe sent me a fucking hilarious clip from it on Instagram. I scoured countless DVD shops looking for a copy so I could recap it for this series but the movie is ten years old and the DVD shop attendants either didn’t have it or didn’t know about it at all.

I felt hella stupid when it finally occurred to me to check YouTube TWO MONTHS after my search began.

Your boy is ageing. 😔

Let’s get into the movie:

The movie starts with a shot of Whitney (Tonto Dike) driving angrily in an overwhelming wig and glasses combo.

She arrives at a hotel and tells the receptionist that she’s a runs girl there to see and sleep with a man named Charles for $1000. The receptionist first denies that the hotel currently has an occupant with that name but confesses when Whitney subtly threatens to get her fired. Whitney goes up to the room, opens the door, and sees Charles (John Dumelo) about to bump genitals with another woman. That’s when it’s revealed that Charles and Whitney are a married couple.

After being caught by his wife, pants down, about to eat another woman’s snail, the first thing that comes out of Charles’ mouth is:

This understandably pissses Whitney off. She beats the shit out of Charles and stabs the secretary with a broken champagne bottle before storming out. When she confronts him for being a cheating bastard later that night, he gaslights her by saying:

When that doesn’t work, he buys a car thinking that’ll make her forget everything but it doesn’t work and she calls him out on his shitty M.O of buying her expensive shit whenever she catches him cheating. After a few days of not speaking to each other (you can tell time has passed because there’s a montage of Whitney weeping over her wedding album in different outfits), Charles has a change of heart and begs her to give him one more chance. She accepts and everything is peachy for a while.

Until Charles rekindles his friendship with an old university mate named Alex (Muna Obiekwe).

Charles first runs into Alex at work. Charles can’t remember him at first but does after Alex jogs his memory. They run into each other again while on vacation with Whitney at some nameless resort and Alex, who ends up being the manager, walks in on them about to have sex on a pool table IN A PUBLIC AREA.

On that same trip, Charles and Whitney get into a fight and she locks him out of their room in anger. Alex helps calm Whitney down and this makes them closer . While having lunch together one day, Alex reveals that he’s gay. Charles initially has no problem with it until Alex starts hitting on him.

Charles turns down Alex’s advances and Alex falls into depression while 2 of his gay friends try to make him feel better.

They tell him to stop stressing over a straight man but he says can’t stop, won’t stop because he’s loved Charles since they were in university together. He invites Charles to his birthday party, drugs him, and rapes him.

Charles wakes up the next morning and, because of the pain he feels in his butt, realises what has happened. He punches Alex in the face and leaves. One of Alex’s friends tells him that Charles might call the police but Alex confidently says that he’s taken steps to ensure that won’t happen. The friend, who we initially think is the voice of reason, says this:

They laugh about the rape some more while drinking wine.

A few days later, Charles returns to see Alex. He apologises for the punch, says the rape opened his eyes, and begs Alex to date and MOVE IN with him. He even buys Alex a freaking car! They tell Whitney that Alex’s place is being renovated so he needs a place to stay for a while. She initially isn’t fine with the idea but eventually warms up to it when she finds out Alex is a good cook.

One night, Charles and Alex are having dinner at a restaurant in matching shirts when Alex’s ex-boyfriend comes in and throws the biggest hissy fit I have ever seen.

This is my favourite scene in the entire movie. Let me tell you why. You see, when Charles and Alex walk in, holding hands and kissing LIKE THEY DON’T LIVE IN WILDLY HOMOPHOBIC NIGERIA, Whitney’s friend, Rina, is already in the restaurant. When she sees them sucking each other’s lips, she’s like:

And then when Alex’s ex-boyfriend starts making a scene, she gives us LEGENDARY reaction shots. Check them:

After the ex-boyfriend is thrown out by security, the camera pans to her one last time and she’s like:

And the entire time she’s onscreen I’m like:

STAT!

For whatever reason, Rina doesn’t want to be the one to tell Whitney what’s going on so all she does is tell her to not get comfortable having Alex around. Things escalate when Charles and Whitney throw a party and she asks that they dress in matching outfits but he refuses then shows up at the party wearing matching outfits with Alex. Seeing Whitney’s confusion, Rina reveals what she saw at the restaurant that night and Whitney passes out.

There’s a weird scene where Whitney and Alex fight over who’s going to keep cooking Charles’ food. Then Whitney goes to see Charles at his office one day and finds him having sex with Alex in a toilet.

Whatever sha.

Whitney returns home and starts packing her things so she can leave. Charles walks in not long after, belt still unbuckled from his office quickie, and attempts to say some shit but she smacks him upside the head and leaves.

She goes to a church and cries for 5 days straight at the altar before the pastor shows up to ask what the hell her problem is.

Pastor Mrs Mike says the holy spirit revealed to her that Charles is under a demonic gay spell. Whitney begs her to help so they hold hands and start speaking in tongues.

This gives Whitney the strength to get her man back. She has the police arrest Alex for homosexuality. Then she brings in Pastor Mrs Mike & her prayer squad to spiritually throw down in their house so Charles will be free from the gay spell.

Charles is at work when he suddenly goes…

…comes to his senses…

…and rushes home.

Meanwhile, their son is stuck in the middle of a violent prayer session he knows nothing about and looks confused as hell.

When Charles gets home and is told by Pastor Mrs Mike that his foray into homosexuality was the result of a spell, he says:

Then they all hug and the movie ends.

No one bothers to explain anything to their son.

Me after watching this:

I Watched Kate Henshaw’s Classic Comedy, Stolen Bible, So You Don’t Have To.

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, we’ll be going over the reviews of the app, Crowwe.

Adamu Garber is a dude best known for having the guts to threaten Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter, on Twitter. He also shamelessly tried to use the #EndSARS protests to promote his app, Crowwe. The app has been described as an instant messaging and financial transaction app that comes with an easy-to-activate digital wallet that helps you transfer and receive money while chatting with your loved ones.

You see, someone suggested that I do a review of Crowwe for fun (like we do in this series) and I thought it was a good idea. So I went to the app store to download it when I decided to check out the reviews. You guys, the reviews I saw had me like:

That is how the direction of this week’s instalment of “So You Don’t Have To” came to be about me sifting through the Croww app’s worst reviews and bringing you the funniest ones.

Let’s start with Bode, who thinks that the app’s logo looks like the logo for ISIS.

He also thinks the dashboard looks fraudulent. I laughed till I cried.

Oreoluwa calls the app a terrible knockoff of Twitter, Instagram, and WhatsApp with a picture quality so shitty that looking at it is like watching a snuff film on NTA.

She mentioned the picture quality twice so you know it’s really bad.

Austin is convinced that the app is lowkey being used to recruit members for terrorist organisations.

Damn.

Igy says that the app turns phones into one of those hot stones they use for massages.

Or a literal time bomb.

Fache claims the app gave him a plethora of infectious diseases.

Even the Hantavirus???

Eunice says the app’s very existence is creating holes in the ozone layer.

Shoutout to Eunice for looking out for the environment.

Olalekan says that this app is the best way to have the EFCC knocking down your door.

It sets you up AND jails you? It really do be your own app.

According to Pelumi, the app looks like it was designed by a child.

This makes me imagine a sick Victorian-era child sitting in front of a computer and I am wheezing.

Precious says the app destroyed a transformer in his area.

My prayers go out to Precious in this (literal) dark time.

Bennette is upset that the app keeps attacking people with porn ads. Kinda like that one episode of Black Mirror starring Daniel Kaluuya.

Imagine using the app in public and a very loud ad for “Backdoor Sluts 9: Brianna’s Revenge” starts playing.

Chizor says that this app is responsible for giving President Buhari arthritis and destroying his ears.

Well, that one guy did claim that the antichrist will be an artificially intelligent robot. Could this app be that?

In the sea of negative reviews, I found a few good ones. Without commentary, here are 10 good reviews I found. See if you can spot a pattern.

Well, let me be going sha.

Stay jiggy.

RECOMMENDED: I Went Through Weird Sex Toy Shops So You Don’t Have To

[donation]

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I’ll be recapping the insane article titled, “How Having Your Wife Make Erotic Images Can Bless Your Marriage and Others as Well“.

About the Source

Today’s episode of “So You Don’t Have To” was made possible by Larry Solomon, the deranged self-proclaimed marriage counsellor who has given us other batshit articles like, “How To Groom Your Young Christian Wife“ and “Career Women Are Failures In The Eyes Of God“.

---

To back his eventual point, Larry starts the article with a short story he pulled out of his ass titled:

The only rule for this annual art show was that you can look but not touch. Anyone who tried touching was immediately sent out of the exhibition and banned forever. I paused here to think about the many similarities between this fictional exhibition and a strip club. I chuckled quietly to myself and continued reading.

At the next art exhibition, all the men gathered round to see the paintings the artist had sold that year. The man who’d bought the latest painting was present but didn’t bring his painting for others to ogle. It didn’t take long for everyone to notice and ask, “Dude, what the fuck?”. The artist turned to the man and said:

And the story just ends there. I shit you not.

Larry says that because the Song of Solomon 7:1 refers to a woman’s body as a work of art, and works of art are meant to be shown off, that means women’s bodies are meant to be exhibited like art.

He goes on to shade men across religions who insist that their women cover up, calling such hoarding of beauty a travesty. He claims that the only reason a husband will hide his wife’s beauty is if he’s scared of not being able to show her off and protect her from predators at the same time. He then assures such men to stop being pussies because they should be able to do both.

Then Larry hits us with this:

Same, Bey. Same.

Because he knows that a feminist wife would rather swallow knitting needles than film a sex tape for her husband’s friends, Larry makes it clear that this article isn’t for men who have been unsuccessful in grooming their wives. He says it’s for “Christian men who are blessed with submissive wives, yet are afraid to push their wives to a greater level submission.” 

According to Larry Motherfucking Solomon, getting your wife to dress more conservatively is a piece of cake. He says that the true proof of total control over your wife is getting her to strip down for sexy pictures/videos, and be okay with those pictures/videos being shared with your friends.

As to how turning your wife into the star of a modern day peep show will improve your marriage and the lives of others, here’s what Larry has to say:

It’s interesting that accessing this special level of submission does nothing for the wives.

It’s also interesting that Larry doesn’t encourage men to vogue erotically in front of a camera so their wives and other women can watch and exercise their polyandrous nature.

There’s more!

First:

He adds that while you may take requests from other men on what positions they want to see your wife in, you can’t let her know that they are other people’s requests. Because every pose she does is for you and what you do with it is your discretion.

Second:

Because if she flirts with him, she’s relating with a man that’s not her husband (a sin). And no other man must flirt with your wife except you.

Third:

He follows it up by advising men to limit interaction with the wives whose pictures/videos they get so as to avoid flirting with them.

Right behind you, Annalise.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the book titled, “15 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Fornicate.”

The book’s super short opening reads like the author had just encountered his close friends fornicating even though he’d warned them many times about the dangers of it. So he went home and made the decision to write this book.

And you know what? I dig it. Getting straight to the meat of the matter is good.

God does instruct people at some point in the bible to not bump genitals with people they’re not married to. So fair point.

This is where it starts to get good. The author says that fornication affects the soul spiritually but doesn’t explain how. He just says that it’ll cause the fornicator to backslide, and this made me imagine a fornicator doing the moonwalk into hell. He also shades people who go straight from fornication sites (significant other’s house, clubs etc) to church. This reminded me of Shaggy’s “Church Heathen” so I took a break to listen to that.

The explanation here is that when one commits a crime, they’re arrested by the state and punished. So because the bible refers fornication as a sin against the body, God will punish you if you sin against it because the human body is the temple of the Lord.

He says something here about how sex is binding between two people and that the blood shed when a girl’s hymen breaks seals an agreement of some kind. This made me wonder what the rules are when the two people having sex are men.

The author says that fornication turns the bodies of the people who engage in it into meat suit hotels where demons will check in and never leave.

He refers to STDs here and proceeds to list out 10 names of well-known STDs. He then adds that waiting till marriage can save you from STDs and I had to pause here to laugh.

He uses this point to fuel HIV hysteria by calling it a death sentence. He then goes on a strange rant in which he shames the owners of a church he once heard of for having a high percentage of members with HIV.

It’s the way he presents this point that kills me. He talks about a man he once heard of who was in Form 6 while his son was in Form 1. The timeline in this story makes no sense but I’m not going to talk about it more because I’m tired.

He says that pregnancies resulting from fornication always end in abortions (he calls it murder).

I shit you not, the author says that instruments similar to knives and forks are used during abortions to wreck the womb and that leads to the fallopian tubes being tied.

I’m not even touching that one.

This contradicts his previous claim. But whatever I guess.

According to this nigga, every child born of fornication ends up being a menace to society.

Fornication brings slut-shaming.

The hurts and wounds resulting from slut-shaming.

He says fornication is the straw that breaks the camel’s back in unhappy marriages. And I feel like if the marriage was already unhappy, the fornication would’ve done them a favour.

The End

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping an insane article titled, “Career Women Are Failures In The Eyes Of God.”

The author starts the article explaining that when he says career women are failures in the sight of God, he doesn’t mean women who’ve been forced to work.

He then makes it very clear that he’s referring to women who planned to have a career since they were teenagers. He calls them “utter and complete failures” and says they will feel shame when they stand in front of God one day and feel shame about not fulfilling the purpose for which they were created.

He talks about a letter he received from a young woman named Shary. I paused here to laugh because what the fuck kind of name is Shary? Did her parents pick her name by blindfolding themselves and pointing at a random page of a Christopher Pike novel?

Here’s Shary’s letter:

So he gives Shary (and other women who may be in the same position) the worst advice I have ever heard. Worse than the advice from Tyler Perry’s plays. Worse than the terrible advice Toke Makinwa gave that one time (she’s given a lot). Worse than when my secondary school guidance counsellor advised me to go to science class just because I was kinda good at Integrated Science, causing me to struggle for the rest of my academic life.

He quotes Genesis 2:18 to explain why God created women.

He says that women weren’t created to have equal rights like men and pursue careers outside the home. He insists that God wants the life focus of women to be serving their husbands, children, and society. Then he quotes more scripture to support his point.

He talks about the woman referenced in Proverbs 31…

…and says that those who see the woman as biblical career woman are deceiving themselves by intentionally ignoring the command given in Titus 2:5 for women to be keepers of the home.

He pauses here to go on a rant about feminism.

He says that feminism’s biggest lie is convincing women that they can have it all and follow their dreams while also taking care of their husbands and children. He chastises modern-day churches that support feminism for not telling women what he claims is the truth.

He makes reference to women who are “without natural affection.” These women, he says, care more about themselves than anyone else. And will do whatever it takes to further their careers like dropping off their crying infants with nannies and murdering their children (by aborting them).

He ends the article with this:

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping this ABSOLUTELY BONKERS article I found named “7 Steps To Grooming Your Young Christian Wife”.

The original article in a nutshell.

So I was taking a stroll down the murky streets of Twitter a few days when a very kind reader of the”So You Don’t Have To” series sent this article to me. Going by the title alone, I assumed it was satire and the reader just thought I’d enjoy it. As I scrolled through the article, I realised, in horror, that it was no joke.

About The Source

The article “7 Steps To Grooming Your Young Christian Wife” was first published on a website named biblicalgenderroles.com. The site is run by a guy who works in IT during the day and moonlights as a deranged marriage counsellor at night. Using the pen name, Larry Solomon, he dishes out (Tyler Perry levels of) terrible marriage advice to Christian couples who write in seeking his guidance. Just like the guy named Robert who sent this in.

Me reading this:

If you thought that was bad, Larry Solomon’s reply will make your jaw drop. Let’s start with the first part of the article.

Larry starts by saying that whether Robert realises it or not, what he really needs is a tutorial on how to groom his young wife. However, he knows that the word “grooming” sets off many alarms so he proceeds to explain that even though most people associate the word with “paedophiles preying on children, sex traffickers conditioning women for prostitution, or husbands conditioning their wives to allow them to abuse them,” grooming is actually allowed in this case:

Because of Ephesians 5:25-27 where God said:

Girl…

After engaging in incredible stretching feats to “prove” that it’s every husband’s God-given right to groom his wife, he lists out 3 preconditions that must be in place before grooming can take place.

I first read that as “Beliebers” and briefly lost my mind.

I’m guessing biblicist Christian still sacrifice farm animals when they want to appease God.

Hmmmmmmmm.

You see, when a questionable process that a person claims was made by God mysteriously only works on young minds and not older people (i.e people more likely to see through bullshit), that process is in fact bullshit.

*Insert the Law & Order sound*

1) Unlearn What Your Culture Has Taught You: In this, Larry says that for this process to work, both husband and wife have to reject modern society’s adult/child paradigm (children have limited rights until they reach adulthood and then they have full autonomy) and accept the bible’s rule, where only men have full autonomy and women are under the authority of them, the church, and society at large.

2) Learn and Accept Biblical Gender Roles: Women regarding their husbands as their Lords, taking care of the home, being a nun in the streets and a freak in the sheets, etc.

3) Seek Out A Male Spiritual Mentor: Larry says this is to help the husband groom his wife better. But I know it’s so there’s another misogynistic man around to knock “sense” back into the husband if he ever decides to give his wife rights.

4) You Must Teach Your Wife Biblical Gender Roles: Because the bible says wives must learn everything from their husbands, Larry says that after a husband has learned everything about biblical gender roles, he should proceed to indoctrinate his wife.

5) Get Your Wife A Female Spiritual Mentor: To avoid wives getting advice from sensible friends telling them to pack their shit and run for the hills, Larry advises husbands to bring in older women who fully embrace and live out biblical gender roles (i.e old patriarchy princesses) to mentor their wives.

6) Mould Your Wife Into The Glorious Wife You Want Her To Be: I would narrate this point to you but I need you guys to see, for yourselves, how fucking insane it is:

7) Discipline Your Wife: Not only does Larry encourage husbands to discipline their wives, he even offers ways to do it:

Oh wait! There’s more!!

And when asked if he spanks his wife, he says:

He ends the article with this:

With some other stuff about engaging in spiritual battles with your wife if she refuses to be groomed so she’ll never control the marriage.

Me, after reading the entire thing:

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Spiritual Effects of Women Dressing Indecently On Society“

The author starts the book putting women into 2 groups, Deborahs (good Christian woman) and Delilahs (women of the world), and complains that it has gotten incredibly hard to distinguish between the two.

He buttresses his point by saying that Christian women should aim to look different from worldly women because it’s easy to tell, just by looking, the difference between a doctor and a prostitute.

As is custom with the people who write stuff like this, he proceeds to tell a story (in this case, a literal example of “them say, them say”) that ties into the subject matter of the book.

He says he heard the story of a girl named Esther who had just accepted Jesus and was so excited about the prospect of not experiencing an eternity of hot girl summer in hell. Unfortunately for Esther, she attended a church that preached the doctrine of God being more concerned with one’s heart than their appearance so she didn’t know to swap her Brazilian weaves and apple bottom jeans for a scarf and an oversize suit straight out of an Igbo visual album.

However, Esther’s friend had a problem accepting the idea of Esther being a born again Christian and proceeded to laugh at her harder than a hyena on ecstasy. Confused, Esther asked her just what she finds funny and the friend took that as an excuse to go OFF.

So Esther went home that day and “allowed the precious soul to escape from her.”

Even worse, he din’t explain and just ended the story there.

The author shades the churches who teach people the doctrine that was taught the Esther and you just know it took all his energy to not go all out and drop names. Anyways, he says that a good Christian woman serving “Deeper Life chic” with her clothing is important because:

Then he drags Jessica Rabbit.

Unprovoked.

He tells another story. This time, about a teenage boy he once counselled who was addicted to viciously beating the old sausage.

I meant masturbation. In case that wasn’t clear.

According to him, the boy developed this addiction after years of watching porn on his father’s phone. To be clear, this isn’t a case of a curious child secretly using his father’s phone to watch clips from “Nasty Nurses Revenge.” It’s a case of the father downloading “Backdoor Sluts 9: Day of Reckoning” on his phone for his own consumption and then handing said phone to his child to play with. The boy stumbled on the porn, and the rest is history documented in this god awful book.

What comes next in the story will gross even Lars von Trier out.

It’s funny how the man who literally handed porn to his teenage son is criticising his wife for getting dressed in front of said child as if both of them are not mad.

Girl I…

There’s a thing about how women should dress modestly so as not lure men into having sinful thoughts or engaging in fornication. I stopped here to laugh because since when did women dressing modestly stop men from thinking sinful thoughts?

The author ends the book with a list of ways to know if a person isn’t modestly dressed. You have to see this for yourself.

A woman showing her thighs is pure wickedness? Damn.

Chest hair is sexy, huh? Noted.

Girl, bye.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Overcome The Spiritual Dangers Of Sports Betting.”

The book begins with the worst possible definition of sports betting the author could find/put together. He defines it as “the act of consciously risking money or other stakes in the hopes of gaining at someone else’s expense.” He insists that the last part of that definition makes sports betting a sin because it breaks the 8th commandment (Thou shall not steal).

I was still putting together my argument about how it doesn’t qualify as stealing because all the parties involved know the terms and conditions when the author tackled me with the next paragraph.

Apples and Oranges.

The author says that whoever wins a bet is a thief, and whoever loses is guilty of wasting whatever it is they lost (which was given to them by God and pisses him off).

That’s just…wow.

In this chapter, the author lists and explains the things he believes pushes people into the sports betting demonic rabbit hole.

Hmmm. Points were made.

I was expecting this to say that people depressed due to unemployment turn to betting to make ends meet. But excitement? What kind of depressed person thinks gambling will bring them peace?

Whew…the accuracy of this.

Just as it looks like he’s going to end this chapter with a solid point, he goes ahead to say that only people with sinful hearts can be affected by these things.

Translation: If you’re depressed, it’s your own damn fault. You need to do something about your sinful heart.

The author uses this chapter to talk about the steps sports betting addicts need to follow if they want to quit. But first, he narrates his experiences in the betting underworld.

So at some point in his youth, the author gambled harder than a white elderly woman on vacation in Las Vegas with the other residents of her nursing home. His goal at the time was to win a $25,000 jackpot from his sports betting platform of choice, Bet9ja. Despite trying to game the system with tricks and stuff, he was never able to win shit.

Is this how sports betting works? Someone help me out here.

He says that during this time, he was surrounded by bookies who he thought were his dear friends but in hindsight, brainwashed him and kept him trapped in the betting system for their own gain. He casually mentions that most of them have “crumbled” now, which had me like:

Is…is that code for “dead”? Did they die??

He says that his discovery of the tactics used by demons (I just knew he’d involve them somehow) to trap betting addicts was what led him to seek help in the form of a church deliverance. After being freed of his addiction, he dedicated his life to preaching about the dangers of the spiritual prison that is sports betting.

This is Oscar-worthy stuff right here.

The first step to overcoming an addiction to gambling, according to the author, is this:

I gotta say, he has a point.

He says stuff about cutting off all the people in your life who have connections to the betting world and adds that he used to be addicted to English soccer premiership league games, which I thought was super specific but whatever I guess.

Why? Because “you are the first born of God creature and heir to the heavenly throne. Hence don’t assume that the devil is going to fold his hands and allowed you crossed over to that celestial city (heaven) where he was thrown out.”

Translation: Satan will use football to infiltrate and ruin your life.

Sounds exhausting tbh.

The book ends with the other steps for overcoming sports betting.

This sounds like propaganda meant to recruit people for cheap church labour.

Okay.

Welp. Good luck having any friends.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Devil’s Top Secret Weapons Against Christians”

The author starts by shaming Christians everywhere who think the devil is foolish. His point is, a being able to convince a large number of angels to join him in a quest to overthrow God is clearly super smart. He says the devil is recruiting people to fill the underworld because it’s the only way he knows to piss God off. Why doesn’t he just challenge God to a supernatural wrestling match and throw hands? This is why:

I love how specific that last line is.

According to the author, every end-time Christian has to be constantly spiritually and physically equipped with the full armour of God. Peep the full armour below.

I want to cop the Sandals of Readiness because they are fire!

Anyway, we finally get to the point of the book (glorified pamphlet, really) – the list of the devil’s top 3 weapons against Christians – and I have to say that nothing could’ve prepared me for the first thing on the list. Somehow, it felt like a personal attack. Seeing as the author’s name wasn’t in the book, I wanted to tackle the book to the floor and punch it till it stopped moving. But I didn’t, because books can’t feel pain. Do I have anger issues? Maybe. I won’t go to anger management classes though. Because I’m proud. Why am I typing all this? I’m gonna take it out before I hit publish.

Yes, the first thing on the list is food, accompanied by the following picture:

Just fucking @ me next time.

The author claims that many Christians find it difficult to pray after eating insane amounts of…you know what? I want you guys to read this in the author’s own words.

I just…why…what??

He follows this by saying that its impossible to overcome trials and temptations without sacrificing food and sleep.

Ok.

He spends this entire point shitting on people who’ve never read the whole bible because they find it boring but would rather read a magazine full of “love stories”. I wonder if he was referring to Hints & Hearts. This is accompanied by this stock photo:

Do they have to finish it in a year?

Yep. Turns out that all those tweets and memes were eerily prescient and enjoyment is, in fact, going to kill you.

There’s shade hidden somewhere in this mess of a paragraph and we’ll get to that soon. But how do you judge people for missing mid-week church activities because they have to be at work? If they get fired, will you pay their bills?

SHADE!

Shaming people for giving to the needy? Girl, I…

The book ends with this:

Might as well just move into the church, I guess.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “HOW TO IDENTIFY FAKE CHURCHES”

The book starts with the author telling the reader to be cautious and spiritually sensitive in whatever church they’re in now because the evil ones constantly train and deploy pastors to different churches meant to intentionally lead people astray. He also says that ignorance is no excuse before God so, in the event that you are led astray by one of these decoy pastors, you’re going to hell.

When I got to this part, I was like:

Because it sounded like the author was about spill tea and throw shade of biblical proportions. I pursed my lips, crossed my legs, and prepared myself for the chaos I believed was coming.

• It Doesn’t Matter International Church

• Come As You Are International Ministries.

• We Are No Longer Under The Law Christian Church.

• Judge Not Mission Church.

• Dress As You Like International Gospel Mission.

• Ones Saves Is Forever Saved Mission.

• Merciful God Don’t Sent Anyone To Hell International Ministries.

• God Only Looks At The Heart Chapel.

• Liquid Fire And Miracle Center Ministries.

• Prosperity Without Effort Gospel Mission.

This list left me like:

This author thinks he has jokes, huh?

He follows up the list up with this:

It means your church is officially being led by a demon-trained pastor and you need to do something about it or kiss your chance at heaven goodbye. The book doesn’t say what exactly you’re supposed to do but I assume it’ll involve a pentagram, a ring of salt, and a DVD of the first season of “Supernatural”.

The author further explains how these decoy pastors function:

The author ends the book with 12 things to watch out for when identifying fake churches:

Even those ones that have pictures of cute animals with bible verses that have nothing to do with the picture itself.

If your church has ever thrown a thanksgiving or bazar party, you’re screwed.

So only Mountain of Fire and Deeper Life members are safe? Damn. Also, if you’re wondering why they this author thinks makeup and weaves are from hell, read this:

RECOMMENDED: The Spiritual Origin Of (And Covenant Behind) Wigs & Weaves

Why would an evil pastor have such a room on the church premises? Why not just have it someplace where prying eyes will never see it?

There is NO WAY this particular “clue” isn’t steeped in misogyny. No fucking way.

Enough said about this.

Same thing as the previous point.

This is clearly shade thrown at Catholicism.

Well, any fan of Mount Zion movies already knows this.

They’ve made this point twice already.

Wow. So pastors can’t even like bling?

I knew it!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the conspiracy theory video made Joseph Okechukwu titled, “BB NAIJA: UNVEILING THE BEAST”.

Insane conspiracy theory aside, this is a cool ass image.

ABOUT THE MAKER

This guy.

Joseph Okechukwu describes himself as an actor who has starred in over 150 Nollywood movies. However, when you google him, the first set of things that come up are videos from his YouTube channel where he posts videos of himself spewing conspiracy theories left and right. That should tell you something. Anyway, let’s jump in.

---

Joseph starts the video shitting on Nigerian Christians for not speaking up about the evil of BBNaija and even paying to have it “beamed into their homes”. Just like Reverend Chris Okotie, he says that the real reason churches were forced to close and BBNaija was allowed to go on is because the Nigerian government is part of a Satanic agenda to control the minds of everyone on earth so we can serve the antichrist, ancient city style.

He shows clips from BBNaija’s current season and asks why the housemates aren’t wearing masks or social distancing like the rest of us have been instructed to.

Also, isn’t the BBNaija house the perfect example of isolating? A group of people in a house who never go out?

He refers to the eye in the BBNaija logo as the Eye of Lucifer/Horus and puts up an image of the current logo alongside last year’s version to make an insane point.

The addition of a camera lens in the center of the eye.

According to him, the camera lens was added in 2020 – the year COVID-19 hit – to let people know that the antichrist is about to make his debut and will be a being controlled by Artificial Intelligence.

He insists that this is why the BBNaija was created; to get everyone used to being monitored all the time, just like the totalitarian society described in the dystopian novel, 1984.

He claims that the addition of the camera lens to the BBNaija logo is proof that the antichrist is going to monitor and control everyone using our devices (phones, laptops, etc). He says that the vaccine being developed to fight COVID-19 is going to alter the DNA of anyone who takes it, leaving them with an embedded microchip (i.e. mark of the beast), which will be used by the BEAST COMPUTER to control them.

Look at this:

There’s a joke to be made about a guy who’s worried about being monitored but casually lounging in front of devices he could easily be monitored with. There’s a joke to be made about that but I’m not going to make it.

Do you have children who are stubborn as shit and just will not behave no matter what you do to discipline them? Joseph says it’s your fucking fault. According to him, your children watched BBNaija (after YOU paid to have it shown in your homes) and now it has turned them into delinquents bound to spend the majority of their lives in prison. He proceeds to shade the hell out of modern-day pastors for campaigning for tithes instead of joining forces to get BBNaija cancelled.

He ends the video by yelling at everyone to stop watching BBNaija because it indirectly funds the evil plans of the beings in the BEAST KINGDOM and pollutes the spiritual atmosphere wherever its shown.

The End.

---

Me, the entire time I was watching this video:

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the conspiracy theory titled, “WITCHCRAFT, DARK MUSIC & THE IDOLATRY OF BEYONCÉ” by Delphine Okobah.

Look at the queen serving Baphomet realness.

So, Beyoncé’s highly anticipated visual album, Black Is King, is finally out. In it, she reimagines the story of The Lion King using music, dance, poetry, woven in beautiful African imagery and culture. This is exactly how I knew that as soon as the musical film was released, conspiracy theorists would be on it like white on rice.

I just know this image from #BlackIsKing is making Illuminati conspiracy Twitter foam at the mouth. pic.twitter.com/PI14yVLlK5

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) July 31, 2020

And I was right.

Not long after I tweeted that, someone sent me a post on Instagram containing an insane conspiracy theory about Beyoncé made by a woman named Delphine Okobah. The Delphinator’s (that’s what she calls herself) bio says that her account is dedicated to “amplifying stories that save.” After reading all TEN SLIDES, I figured this was something y’all needed to see.

The idea of someone sitting down to design this cover using the silhouette of the stereotypical depiction of a witch cracks me up so bad. All I can imagine when I look at this is Beyoncé flying her broomstick to the set of Black Is King every day in a cloak, mini-dress, 3-inch heels, and the sorting hat from Harry Potter on her head.

Sounding like the opening narration of a dystopian movie, Delphine starts with the claim that there has been an increase in demon activity recently. According to her, the line between both realms have been blurred (I think Robin Thicke predicted this) and everyone’s going to have to pick a side because a war is coming and “casual Christians will become casualties.” That last line made my mind go:

When are we getting the rap album, Delphine??!

She says that witchcraft is becoming more mainstream, citing the witches who came out in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and the Nigerian women who sell/use the popular love charm, Kayan Mata, as proof. There’s also something about the gentrification of witchcraft.

She finally gets to the matter of interest by calling Beyoncé the queen of witchcraft in music. She claims that Beyoncé has been trying to let people know – using her music – that she’s about that witch life but people have refused to hear word. Delphine presents the poem, Denial, from Beyoncé’s 2016 album, Lemonade, as an example.

“How does one levitate downwards?” – Delphine

“She did all that to meet Satan!” – Delphine

“She thinks the bible and everything it stands for is trash!” – Delphine

She brings up lyrics from Beyoncé’s 2020 single, Black Parade, as another example.

“This aunty is telling you people where she gets her powers from but a lot of you are just excited that she’s making references to Africa!” – Delphine

“THIS IS A COMMON WITCHCRAFT RITUAL USED TO PROGRAM INTENTIONS INTO GEMSTONES!!! “ – Delphine

She alleges that the reason the Beyhive stans her so hard is because she has used juju on them. She also says that Beyoncé has been guest-starring in her dreams for the past 2 years.

RECOMMENDED: How BBNaija Is Preparing Nigerians For The Coming Of The Antichrist

There’s this:

I’d never heard of this so I went a-googling and it turns out that it’s true!

I’m a Beyist now.

Delphine claims that Black Is King has been released with a dark potent spell that will put a heavy veil on the hearts of young people everywhere. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, Beyoncé does not have our best interests at heart. She says that the supposed aim of the visual album – to celebrate black ancestry and African tradition using a modern twist and universal language – is a fucking lie because:

“With music generally, protect your entry gates (ears) and guard your heart!” – Delphine

Delphine’s final message is this:

“Stop worshipping stars (celebrities) and worship the STAR (Jesus) who birthed the other stars!” – Delphine

Till next week, y’all.

RECOMMENDED: How BBNaija Is Preparing Nigerians For The Coming Of The Antichrist

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Different Ways People Get Into Evil Blood Covenants”

This picture looks like the poster of a cheap horror movie you just know will spawn 11 sequels.

The book starts with the author explaining what covenants are and how Satan has tricked countless people into (consciously or unconsciously) entering evil covenants with him so he can steal their souls.

These 2 paragraphs literally could’ve been 2 lines. But whatever I guess.

He says that there 5 things needed to make an evil covenant:

• People
• Words
• Reason
• Place
• Blessing (for keeping the covenant) and Punishment (for breaking it)

The rest of the book is the author listing and explaining the different ways people get into evil covenants with the devil. This is my favourite part of the whole thing. Why?

1) Sex Outside Marriage: He used this point to shade the hell of fornicators. He says that bumping genitals with everyone you come across –like you’re gunning for the Whore of Babylon’s spot – puts you at risk of having things transferred to you. E.g. body fluids, diseases, and DEMONS.

This is the way he explains it:

Like I once pointed out in an old article, this is an insane example because if If I come across a person harbouring 100 demons in their body, I’ll be able to tell. Because I’ve seen every season of Supernatural.

I took that last sentence to mean that if you eschewed having sex for the first time in a fancy hotel room with scented candles and mood lighting so you could lose your virginity in the cramped backseat of a Kia to a stranger you met 30 mins prior on a dating app, then you’re going to hell.

2) Pictures: Here’s the author’s super specific example:

I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. Maybe the author was promised marriage and then jilted? That’s a story for another day.

This reminds me of a tweet that pointed out how less willing people would be to post pictures of themselves online if they could see how many random people save those pictures to use for whatever. I thought the worst that could happen was someone sticking my picture to the face of a sex doll and pretending it’s me. This book has let me know that things could be much worse.

3) Blood: This one was a lot:

Who are the people doing this? Isn’t this a red flag? If you get romantically involved with a person who insists on you two mixing and drinking each other’s blood like you’re in The Vampire Diaries universe, won’t you run?

Then I remembered that there are people who derive pleasure from having hot candle wax poured on their naughty parts, and I moved on.

4) Counterfeit Religion:

Is it just me or did that feel like a subtle jab at Catholicism? Whoever this author is must have gone to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ School Of Throwing Thinly-Veiled Shade At Other Churches.

5) Occultic Covenants:

If only Nnamdi Okeke (Living in Bondage: Breaking Free) had known this.

6) Food & Drinks:

Btw, it’s your fault if this happens to your kid(s). The agents of darkness caught you slipping and took advantage. You should have had your kid(s) watch the Nigerian horror classic, After School Hours, as soon as they could talk.

7) Demonic Fashion:

Click here to read a detailed breakdown of demonic fashion. Thank me later.

Here’s how to find out!

Giving birth?? Chile…

Then the book ends with the usual “give your life to Christ and join a good church.”

Till next week, you guys. ✌️

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping Reverend Chris Okotie’s video, “The COVID-19 Mystery”.

So Lady Rona has been touring the known world for a little over 6 months now. And since then, there have been many conspiracy theories, spouted by prominent Nigerians who, prior to this, we all thought would know better. So far, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome has been leading the charge, but Reverend Chris Okotie joined the “movement” a few days ago. And to be honest, it did not surprise me at all.

He’s totally the type of person who would buy into shit like this.

Like a YouTuber telling his version of events in a feud, the former singer, current Reverend, and hair gel enthusiast dropped a 1 hour and 20-minute long video online addressing the COVID-19 pandemic. A co-worker sent the video to me so I figured I’d watch and recap it SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

Let’s get into it.

The video begins with a 30-second long opening sequence. I’m confused by this because an opening sequence means a lot of planning went into the video’s production. But not enough to make the video not have the quality of a snuff film on NTA?

Rev Chris appears onscreen and introduces himself as the shepherd superintendent of his church. This (and the fact that he’s talking really slow) lets me know that we’re in for an insufferable display of vocabulary. What he says next, proves me right.

“What does it betoken? What is the spiritual purport? What does it prognosticate? What are the ramifications of the things we’ve had to deal with in terms of the isolation? Something I’d like to call selective anti-socialism.”

After promising to pass information in an easily understandable way but continuing to whack viewers over the head with a thesaurus, he says some stuff about God hiding messages in the bible using numerology. He also explains that contrary to what some people believe (i.e. other conspiracy theorists), everything happening in the world right now isn’t connected to the mark of the beast (666) but a precursor to that.

What follows this is an absolutely bonkers attempt to explain, using biblical events, why the number 10 is special.

According to Rev Chris, the phrase, “God commanded” appears in the creation process 10 times because God wanted to establish his supremacy over Earth in the presence of Satan. He says that the number of toes Adam was created with (10) signifies the authorisation God gave Adam as the god of the earth (a position that was soon taken over by Satan). He also said that that authority was the reason Jesus’ feet were nailed together by one nail (as opposed to his hands which were separated), while suspended in the air. Because Jesus couldn’t receive the sins of the world with his 10 toes touching the earth or the entire planet would explode.

One of us is overthinking this and I’m not sure it’s me.

If you’ve been wondering why 2020 has been a colossal shit show, Rev Chris claims it’s because this is the year Satan has chosen to throw hands with God, a fight that will prepare the earth for the coming of the antichrist.

For this fight to happen, Satan needed a human pawn to create a pandemic.

And that pawn is Bill Gates. Rev Chris says the reason Bill was chosen is that he has a “pattern” and then makes a super long reach by claiming that the things below mean anything:

For this to make any sense, remember these: 10 (bad number), 4 (number of creation), 8 (number of new beginnings).

Let me break down the board so it’s easier to read:

I looked at these things for so long, hoping that Josh2Funny would pop up and reveal that this video was just an elaborate skit. But alas, that didn’t happen.

Rev Chris claims that church gatherings being banned and people being asked to stay home – a thing that was done to reduce the spread of the disease – is important to Satan. The reason is that not going to church denies “him who he is as God” and forces us to stay in our homes (where Satan reigns supreme).

He also drags the conduction of religious activities online by saying that it’s impossible to worship God as a church without gathering physically.

“Because for you to be in church, you have to be ecclesia, which is translated from the Greek word, ec, which is out, and the word caleo, called out. You cannot gather unto God until you are called out. That’s why Israel was called out of the world. So, this thing, this phenomenon that we are talking about, the Internet and cyber churches, is totally unscriptural.“

But whatever I guess.

At this point, he pauses and says, “If you’re still here, say ‘Uh huh, uh huh’” so I’m like:

And he carried on.

He goes on a rant about how Satan, using Bill Gates, is attempting to feed everyone demon communion.

This communion will get everyone into a blood pact with him, a pact that will turn everyone into beings that require blood to live (i.e. VAMPIRES). This, according to him, is why there are so many movies about vampires. Because Hollywood is full of satanic prophets.

I shit you not.

Like turning everyone on the planet into members of the Cullen family isn’t enough, Rev Chris claims that the vaccine Bill Gates is working on will contain drugs that will open the doors in our souls that were shut by God after Adam ate the forbidden fruit. This is so we’ll be easy to control.

There’s also a bit where he says that the reason modern-day women are obsessed with surgically enhancing their asses is so, like Lot’s wife, they’ll keep looking back at things that don’t matter.

In the same breath, he says that these women shaking their asses (twerking) will help bring about the second coming of Sodom and Gomorrah, which is what the antichrist wants the earth to be before he arrives. He says some stuff that doesn’t really mean anything and the video ends.

Me after watching this:

RECOMMENDED: I Spoke To A Money Ritual Juju Man So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Breaking The Yoke And Curse Of Alcoholism In The Life Of Christian”.

The author starts with throwing the line, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”, at the reader, which I imagine would be super depressing for a recovering alcoholic looking through this book for help. He also says that the real reason people with drinking problems struggle with it their whole lives is because of EVIL SPIRITS.

i DiD nOt SeE tHaT cOmInG!

According to the author, your consumption of alcohol (and that of your ancestors) prepares a studio apartment in your soul for the many demons on their way to set up camp.

Translation: Because alcohol problems are a result of evil spirits, attempting sobriety without a full-on deliverance session as elaborate as the Broadway production of Phantom Of The Opera will end with the person falling further down the demonic rabbit hole of alcoholism.

Um…chile…anyway, let’s move on to the next chapter.

“If you see any person or people smoking cigarettes or marijuana or hemp or cocaine, any kind of thing smokable — usually, it’s not their fault, it is the witches who are the cause of such evil works.“

That’s the line that starts this chapter.

So this is how the witches do their thing. If a person they want to destroy is too spiritually strong for them, they attack by tempting the person with drugs to smoke à la weed, crack, crystal meth etc. When the person gives in, the witches will literally stuff the prosperity of the individual’s life in the joints, leading to the destruction of the person’s life. Also, smoking leads to this:

I was going to give the author props for being right about smoking causing illnesses but he went on to say that all those illnesses (lung cancer, heart disease, etc) are caused by witches so I just kept quiet .

Ladies and gentlemen, the 4 spirits listed above, according to this book, are the evil spirits who check into the soul of any human who consumes alcohol. I would describe how they work but this is a thing y’all have to read for yourselves.

To ensure that a person stops hearing word, the author says that witches stuff a person’s ears with “thick cotton wool soaked in palm oil”. This is why he insists a deliverance session is needed to attain sobriety.

This is followed by a list of bible verses that are supposed to be reasons why people shouldn’t drink alcohol but I mentally checked out of the book because Jesus turned water into wine that one time at a wedding.

So…

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Build A Successful Marriage With The Power Of The Tongue.”

Let me just say now that the title of this book is wildly deceiving. I saw it and got excited because I thought it was about how the practices of cunnilingus and analingus are out here saving marriages. So imagine my disappointment when I opened it and found out it was written by a misogynistic man spouting marriage advice that puts the task of maintaining marriages on women.

That being said, it’s still garbage, and I like garbage. So I read it (super short book) and I decided to recap it because there are 2 stories in it you absolutely have to hear.

A husband and wife, who have always been #couplegoals, start having problems. Their church elders sit them down and ask why their union has gone bad like neglected egusi soup, and the husband promptly blames the wife. He says that when there’s any misunderstanding between them, his wife talks back to him, a thing he claims has caused him to lose interest in her.

The author takes a break to quote Proverbs 14: 1.

I know you can already tell how this story ends, but please indulge me.

The husband goes on to claim that his wife’s behaviour has led him down the rabbit holes of alcoholism and adultery, even going as far as having sex with random women in their bed WITH HIS WIFE LYING RIGHT THERE.

After the “investigation”, the elders decide that the wife’s inability to hold her tongue is the reason her husband has become an alcoholic philanderer. They tell her to shut the fuck up forever and in time, the man stops being a drunken harlot.

You know, that story was super one-sided. We literally never hear from the wife except when she’s asked to confirm that her husband has indeed been bumping genitals with different women in their house. If you think this story teaches a terrible lesson, keep reading.

A woman rushes into a reverend father’s office and complains that her husband beats her. The reverend father asks her to sit.

When she returns home later that day, her husband starts beating her again. She puts some of the water in her mouth and doesn’t spill or swallow until the beating is over. Over time, the beatings reduce (not stop) so she returns to the reverend father to thank him for the holy water. The reverend father laughs and asks her if she knows why her husband used to beat her so much.

Translation: If you want a successful marriage as a woman, shut the fuck up and never speak again.

After reading those last 2 paragraphs, I was like:

Like I said at the beginning, this book is super short. The kind of thing that people make and share in public. Can you imagine how many impressionable young girls who’ve gotten their hands on this garbage life manual??

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I decided to shake things up by recapping a movie instead. For the first movie in the series, I picked the infamous Polish erotic romantic drama film, ‘365 Days’.

This movie was actually released back in February 2020 but didn’t pick up steam until it hit Netflix in June, 4 months later. Then no one allowed me to hear word on the internet because of it. Everywhere I turned, there were people fantasizing about being kidnapped while on vacation by an Italian hunk named Massimo. I was going to ignore it but then I heard that the movie is complete garbage, and my interest was piqued.

The movie starts with a conversation between the leader of an Italian Mafia family and a group of guys looking to sell teenage girls into sex slavery.

Mafia leader’s son, Massimo, is spying on a woman on the beach. Mafia Leader tells his son to stop being a harlot and focus because the business will be his one day. Then they both get shot by someone (some people?) and Mafia leader dies.

5 years pass and we’re introduced to the female protagonist named Laura. Laura comes home after a hard day at work and attempts to bump genitals with her boyfriend, Martin, (who looks like a discount Michael Chiklis) but he rebuffs her advances, citing her weak heart as his reason. She goes to her bedroom and masturbates. At the same time, Massimo is receiving the most dramatic blow job I have ever seen from an air hostess on his private jet. Both scenes are shown to us at the same time.

The reason for this sequence is still unknown.

To celebrate her birthday, Laura goes on vacation to Italy with her asshole boyfriend, Martin, and her friend, Olga. At some point, she runs into Massimo, who asks her if she’s lost and then vanishes. Laura’s asshole boyfriend ignores her and hangs out with his buddies the whole time because he’s an asshole so she confronts him, storms off by herself, and is promptly kidnapped.

She wakes up in a fancy house and comes across a giant painting of her…

…after which Massimo appears in the room and repeats what he said to her the first time they met.

She recognizes him and faints. She wakes up later to find him shoving a block of ice in her mouth to suck on because her heart condition made her body react negatively to the sedative used during the kidnapping.

Whatever, I guess.

He proceeds to tell her how he decided to kidnap her after seeing her at the airport when she landed in Italy. He reveals she’s the woman he was checking out on the beach right before he and his father got shot 5 years prior, and he wants her to be his, giving her 365 days to fall in love with him. He tells her that he won’t touch her without her permission and THEN PROCEEDS TO GRAB HER BOOB in a moment of passion and chokes her whenever she talks back to him. Laura tries to escape while screaming about how she has a boyfriend and Massimo informs her that he’s sent her boyfriend a staged breakup note from her. When she’s like “WTF?!”, he shows her proof of her boyfriend’s infidelity (super clear photos of him sleeping with another woman) and threatens to murder her entire family if she tries to escape again.

All this made me ask:

After this, we’re treated to a montage of Massimo taking Laura shopping. This goes on for like 5 minutes and it’s set to a song obviously performed by Michele Morrone, the actor that plays Massimo.

A lot of nothing happens for a while. She gets the bright idea to start seducing him any chance she gets.

And with anything she gets.

She does this until he snaps and forces her to watch another woman give him head.

This turns her on so much that she seems ready to put out right there and then. But he just tells her to get dressed and get out. They go to a club where Massimo is meeting with a few colleagues to discuss Mafia business stuff but he gets pissed because Laura is wearing a super-revealing dress, which is insane because he’s the one that insisted she come. In an attempt to piss Massimo off even more (a thing she clearly enjoys doing at this point), she flirts and dirty dances with a random guy in the club who turns out to be a member of a rival Mafia family. The guy tries to force himself on Laura and this makes Massimo whip out two guns from his extremely spacious crotch and threaten to shoot up the place. Laura wakes up on a yacht and overhears Mario, Massimi’s adviser, telling him that something wicked this way comes because he shot a guy. She apologizes for what she did and asks if the guy Massimo shot was the guy who groped her the previous night. He says ‘yes’ and she’s horrified but he doesn’t notice because he’s too busy blaming her for shooting the guy’s hands off, RoboCop style.

They get into a huge fight during which Massimo accidentally (and hilariously) knocks her into the water. He jumps in and rescues her. While all this is happening, Massimo’s adviser, who he was having a conversation with before Laura interrupted, just stands there looking like:

Mario didn’t give a shit. LMAO

When she wakes up, she is shocked to hear that Massimo saved her. Massimo thanks God he was nearby to save her before she drowned, even though HE WAS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED HER OFF THE YACHT. Touched by his “act of kindness,” she offers to eat his penis…

…after which they proceed to have sex ALL OVER the yacht.

I chose this screenshot because I know y’all can’t see shit in it.

After bumping genitals, Massimo says he’s taking Laura to a ball and she freaks out because she has nothing to wear. Massimo solves this problem by summoning two fashion gays to dress her.

You know they’re gay because of the flowery/leopard print suits, limp wrists, and insane amounts of eyeliner.

At the ball, they run into a woman named Anna. It’s revealed that Anna was one of Massimo’s booty calls during the years he spent searching for Laura. After trying and failing to get him to date her officially, she swore to kill the person responsible for his inability to reciprocate her feelings. Laura leaves and Massimo chases after to apologize. He promises to never let anyone hurt her and then they have sex in the PUBLIC BATHROOM.

Did somebody say DISGUSTING?!

As soon as they’re done, he tells her that she has to go visit her family in Poland. She starts to protest but remembers that she has no say whatsoever in this disgusting ass relationship and keeps quiet. He proclaims his love for her and promises to join her in Poland soon, leaving her sitting on the sink of a public bathroom.

In this shot, she’s probably wondering why her life is suddenly a discount ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

Laura returns to Poland and weeks pass. She reunites with her friend, Olga and explains everything. Olga tells her to stay away from Massimo but Laura says ‘no’ so Olga gives up and suggests they both go to a spa and a night club. Laura runs into her ex-boyfriend, Martin, at the club. Martin follows her home, begging her to take him back. She finds Massimo in her apartment and slaps him for abandoning her for so long. They proceed to have sex in front of a giant open window.

He proposes to her and she accepts on the condition that he doesn’t tell her parents what he does for a living. Laura reveals to Olga that she’s pregnant and Olga tells her not to inform Massimo. Mario (Massimo’s adviser) gets a tip that the rival family (whose member Massimo killed for groping Laura) plans to kill Laura. At that moment, the car Laura is in is shown entering a tunnel but doesn’t come out of the other side. Police cars show up. Massimo finds out what happened from Mario and screams to the sky, even though Laura can’t be dead because the source material for this garbage is a trilogy of books.

But whatever, I guess.

The End

After watching ‘365 Days’, I have to agree with the people who described it as ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on steroids. Everything about this movie (acting, writing, plot etc) is fucking terrible. It legit took me a week to get through it. That’s how bad it is. If you haven’t seen this movie already, SAVE YOURSELF!!!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Confessions Of A Former Church Of Satan Member.”

This guy.

This book tells the story of a Ghanaian man named Kofi Steven. On the 24th of June 2012, Steven made a confession in which he claimed to have been a member of the church of Satan. He swore to have met Satan in person, sold his soul to him, and drank a baby’s blood to seal the deal.

Seeing this synopsis got me excited because this is exactly the kind of nonsense I live for. Then the wave of excitement passed and I asked myself this question:

Why exactly do I like garbage?

Then I proceeded to read the book. The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.

The book begins with Kofi talking about how he got entangled in the devil’s web. You see, in his final year at the University of Ghana, Kofi became broke as shit. After failing to get financial aid from his parents, he turned to a friend for help. Kofi was sure this friend would come through because he’d helped Kofi financially in the past. So imagine the disappointment Kofi felt when his friend said this:

If Kofi had seen literally any Nollywood movie about a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult, he would’ve known that at that moment, he was a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult. But I guess he wasn’t a Nollywood fan because his friend initiated him into the church of Satan not long after.

Like the protagonist in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free (the movie the above image is from), Kofi expressed no shock whatsoever when he found out his friend was in a cult. If he did, he didn’t include it in his confession.

Kofi claims that even though he joined the church of Satan in Ghana, his proper initiation took place in the United States. He says that during a meeting with Satan (a meeting during which he drank baby blood), he asked for 3 things:

• To be rich
• To be famous
• To live long.

Then this happened:

After this, his mother saw a vision and figured what he was up to. She confronted him by saying, “My son, please don’t join a cult,” but he replied with something along the lines of, “Fuck you, mother” and proceeded to go deeper into the cult life by somehow joining MORE cults.

OCCULT LIFE FOREVER!

But like every story involving a naïve, broke guy getting into a cult, tragedy struck!

Damn.

In this chapter, Kofi reveals that he sacrificed his penis (i.e. his ability to have kids) when he joined the cult. He also reveals that after breaking Satan’s rules by eating his mother’s pie (lol), he was given only 49 days to live.

I was like:

But, you know. Whatever.

As further punishment for eating his mother’s pie (lmao), all his businesses began to crumble. His house burned down and he got arrested by the police on suspicion of drug trafficking. Simply put, his life became straight-up diarrhoea.

Seems like there’s no dearth of humour in hell.

Then this happened:

But because he didn’t involve himself in the church’s activities and left before the service ended, the holy spirit returned to whoop his ass, instructing him to return to the church again. And he did, on the day this program was taking place:

After finding out the theme of the program (Time To Recover All), Kofi decided that this was his chance to recover his penis and all the other things Satan took from him.

He pauses the story at this point to drop a warning:

To throw shade:

And to let us know that he’s been watching those New World Order conspiracy theory videos on YouTube:

He also says this:

Then the book ends.

We’re never told if he did die after 49 days or if he ever got his penis back. The book just ends. Honestly, reading this left me as confused and upset as I was after watching the series finale of LOST.

Me, after reading this.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Spiritual Dangers Of Women Wearing Trousers”.

“And that’s on period!” – The author of this book

The author starts with throwing shade at modern preachers who (so as to not lose church members) tell women that they’re allowed to wear whatever they want. He says that by encouraging women to wear trousers (i.e. the official attire of harlots), they are luring good men into partaking in the sin of lust. According to him, women starting to wear trousers in the 1950s somehow led to nudity in the 1960s and millions of unwanted pregnancies and abortions in the 1970s.

To that I say:

He follows this up with a psychological fact: That what a person wears affects how they think and behave.

Excerpt from lifehack.org

But proceeds to grossly misinterpret that by implying that a woman wearing something as revealing as a spaghetti top will eventually lead to her becoming the Whore of Babylon. This made me stop reading and ask out loud:

Because LMAO!

Another thing the author keeps mentioning is the bible verse that says women shouldn’t wear garments meant for men and vice versa because it’s an abomination (Deuteronomy 22:5). And this reminded me of a Quartzy article from 2019 titled, A Brief History of Women in Pants. Here’s a quote about that verse in the article from Gayle Fischer, an associate professor of history at Salem State University.

Points were made.

The author starts this chapter blaming feminism for the prevalence of lesbianism in today’s society. He also makes a long-ass reach by attempting to make a connection between feminism, homosexuality, and abortions.

See, I hate when people are just wrong for no reason. There are queer fashion designers all over the world dictating our standards of clothing. Not just in France.

He mentions something about women not wearing sexy blue jeans (are black jeans ok?) and then rambles for an entire paragraph describing, in graphic detail, how women in trousers lure men into sin.

Just look at how the he describes men. Like animals with no self control.

According to the author, the reason why old-timey women were amazing and beautiful wives is that they wore long, baggy, double dresses that hid their “upholstered buttocks” and stopped their private parts from being exposed by sunlight.

What follows this is an unintentionally hilarious paragraph that heavily implies that any woman who subscribes to feminist ideologies will end up sad, divorced, alone, and grieving the side effects of an abortion gone wrong while wearing tight trousers and drinking beer.

Also, if you’re a woman who wears trousers, the author blames YOU for men who cheat and the destruction of their marriages. He also says that because you wear men’s clothing, you will eventually become a serial killer.

The book ends with a few praises any “pick me” woman would kill to hear from a man:

Until next week!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Dangers of Not Paying Tithe and Offering.”

*Monseigneur Claude Frollo just entered the chat.*

The chapter starts of saying that tithing is mandatory for any Christian who:

• Wants to experience a divine financial breakthrough in their life.
• Doesn’t want to experience an eternity of hot girl summer in hell when they die.

Before you’ve even settled in, the book hits you with an excerpt from the confession of some guy named Jonas (not one of the Jonas brothers), an ex-Satanist and current pastor. In the excerpt, Jonas talks about the roster Lucifer and his squad follow when it comes to causing havoc in churches.

I got excited when I read this paragraph because there’s nothing I love more than piping hot underworld tea.

Did they just blame Satan for Monday Blues?

According to the book, It is Akiel (the poverty demon who works from 12 AM to 1 PM on Sundays) that influences people to not give offerings and tithes, ensuring that they remain in poverty. Why? Because poverty drives people away from God and towards Lucifer. Also, it’s easy to become a sorcerer when you’re poor.

That last line isn’t even me trying to be funny. It’s right there in the book.

Chile, that is a topic for another day.

This chapter starts with the story of a guy named James. James’ life is straight-up diarrhoea, which means that absolutely nothing in his is going right. This causes James to seek deliverance prayers from a pastor. After the deliverance, James feels like a new man and is happy that all his troubles are finally over. A few hours later, he receives what he considers to be proof of the potency of his deliverance session: a salary alert of N120,000 with an additional N35,000 as an end of year bonus. But in a horrifying plot twist, he gets home and is informed that his daughter fell off a balcony and requires treatment that costs N200,000.

I’m serious. That’s the end of the story.

The moral lesson of this story is:

In order words:

There’s also this bit that’s absolutely bonkers:

Girl, I…

In this chapter, the author claims to have (and promises to reveal) concrete proof that none payment of tithe/offering sends people to hell. But before doing that, he proceeds to explain what tithing means using TWO PARAGRAPHS.

This feels like something that should’ve come earlier in the book – like at the beginning – but whatever. At least now we get the proof we were promised.

Wait. What?

• Sister Laura Wanma – Testimony of Heaven and Hell:

• Choo Thomas – Heaven is So Real:

• The 7 Colombian Youths – Divine Revelation Hell:

• Ricardo Cid – 8 Hours in Heaven Testimony:

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the author’s concrete proof. Stories from Christians who claim to have gone on tours of heaven and hell with Jesus Christ Superstar as their guide.

This is the “proof” that I endured three chapters for.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Dealing With The Witchcraft In Your Father’s House”.

Pretty much the same thing self-proclaimed witch hunter and honourary Winchester-sister, Helen Ukpabio, promised to to do with this program.

The author starts the book saying that there is a strong umbilical cord attaching everyone in existence to their ancestors. He also says that the deeds of your father’s house (i.e wicked acts stemming from witchcraft) shape your destiny and that your lack of this knowledge is what causes you to suffer.

Translation: Japa’ing to another country won’t fix your problems because your problems are tethered to you.

Your problems confronting you after you’ve moved to Canada.

Ancestral Household Wickedness And Influence

This chapter tells the story of a guy named Kayode. The story starts with the line, “Even though Kayode knows the definition of peace, he has never in his life experienced it”. A line that, I can’t explain why, made me laugh like crazy. Kayode is brilliant and hopes to become a doctor someday but the chances of that happening are slim as hell because he’s written and failed both WAEC and NECO five times.

One year, Kayode refuses to register for either exam because he’s sick of failing. But in a fucking hilarious turn of events, he still receives F9 parallel results from both WAEC and NECO, even though he didn’t write the exams.

The next year, he registers for his WAEC at a “special centre” and finally passes. That doesn’t stop an F9 parallel result from coming alongside his actual result though.

If you think this made Kayode wonder if the people at WAEC and NECO were messing with him, it didn’t.

Kayode goes to university and has an even shittier time than he did in secondary school. (Missing exam scripts cause him to spend eight years in uni.). Failure to get a job after graduation leads to him returning to his village to work on his aunty’s farm. And just when you think his life can’t get any shittier, this happens:

Oh, it gets worse.

I haven’t seen a more unfortunate series of events since that Mexican telenovela, Maria La Del Barrio.

However, the man who almost turned Kayode into roadkill is a super Christian or something and has a Raven Baxter-style vision containing the reason why Kayode’s life has been straight up diarrhoea. It turns out that the day Kayode was born, his “glory” was stolen and “hung up on a tree in the world of darkness by the person who bathed him for the first time.”

The same aunty whose farm he worked on? Did she wreck his glory (hole) because she wanted free labour? Damn.

Girl, I…

Dealing With The Evil Powers And Witchcraft Of Your Father’s House

There’s something to be said about how the author talks about pepper sellers and gatemen but I’m not going to say it.

This is followed by a super depressing paragraph about how the richest places on the planet are cemeteries because of “the millions of unused glories” left behind the dead. There’s also something about not entrusting your child’s care to just anyone because they may be Satanists looking to steal and/or destroy glories.

The battle line has been drawn?

The book finally delivers on its promise by revealing the secret to overcoming ancestral curses. The secret is…you guessed it…giving your life to Christ and submitting yourself to a super dramatic deliverance session.

There’s also a paragraph about sprinkling your children with the blood of Jesus if you don’t want their glories destroyed. And it’s like, I get what he’s saying but it also sounds hella creepy because he used the word “sprinkle”, making the instruction sound literal. The chapter ends with classic mother shaming.

Has The Ancestral Household Wickedness Manipulated Your Glory

This chapter lists out 20 ways the evil ones could be holding your glory (hole) hostage. Also, take this as the apology for the glory hole jokes I scattered around this article.

Why is no. 4 so specific?

People are out here stealing foreskins now??

The author lists no. 12 like he’s damn sure there’s a marine agent disguised as nurse/doctor at everyone’s birth.

Does no. 16 imply that people offer their glories as payment to sex workers?

The book ends with the prayer to be recited if you feel like your glory (hole) has been compromised.

Rod of fire. Lol

Until next week. ✌️

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Overcome The Deadly Sin Of Lust”.

Meme aside, I want to know if this guy made it and what he did to piss the hippo off so much.

The book starts with insisting that the deadliest disease in the world is LUST. Not Ebola. Not AIDS. Not cancer. LUST. Seeing such a wild declaration so early in the book let me know the kind of wild ride I was in for.

THE DEADLY SIN OF LUST

The author starts this chapter proclaiming that a lot of people on earth are just living corpses because they’ve all allowed themselves to be engrossed by the things of the world. He specifically goes out of his way to chastise people for judging others based on looks. Maybe the object of the author’s desire once judged him based on looks and he never got over it. Who knows?

The author goes on to say that God sees everything and won’t let anyone with LUST in their hearts into heaven. He also says that the sin of LUST originated in the garden of Eden when Eve, thanks to the snake, LUSTED after knowledge by eating the fruit. He then goes on define LUST in approximately 2000 words.

YAS, KING! SERVE US VERBOSE REALNESS!

THE MULTIPLE BIRTHS OF LUST

The chapter starts with the author listing out the many evils that have been birthed by the spirit of LUST, and all this brought to mind was that one scene in Game of Thrones where Melissandre gives birth to the shadow demon who promptly proceeds to kill some guy. There are 61 evils and this asshole doesn’t even put them in list form. He just separates them with commas, turning it into the world’s longest, most annoying sentence.

My secondary school English teacher is rolling in his…tiny ass apartment.

What follows is a list of things humans LUST after (another long-ass list) and a description of the spirit of LUST that made it sound like The Nothing from “The Never Ending Story”.

I do love that he goes after prosperity preachers sha.

That super-rich American pastor with the mega-church who refused to open his doors to the survivors of Hurricane Harvey until the world blasted him is SHAKING RIGHT NOW!

HOW CAN WE OVERCOME THE DEADLY SIN OF LUST?

Even though the author has previously pointed out that the spirit of LUST and its modes of transportation (media) are the problems, he starts this chapter by saying this:

Hmmm. Smells like victim blaming to me.

1) REALIZE: This point says for you to realize that LUST is the deadliest disease to have ever existed and that harbouring the spirit of LUST in your heart will affect the futures of you and your descendants.

2) TOTALLY STOP: Stop watching television and shit.

3) DISCIPLINE: Be disciplined enough to stay away from porn on the internet.

4) TOTALLY DISCHARGE: I don’t know what the hell that title was about but this point says for you to destroy anything capable of sparking LUST in your heart. E.g. the object of your affection, all worldly music, magazines, and movies. That includes that VCD of the porn classic, Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge, you have stashed away in the back of your wardrobe. Instead, channel all that porn money into buying church pamphlets.

5) OBSERVE: “Monitor what your children watch on television. Restrict them to educational and soul-building programs only.” JESUS CHRIST

6) SEMINARS: “Be very careful of the kinds of seminars you attend or social gathering. Most of the seminars and motivational speeches offered around will breed lust.” What kind of seminars has this author been attending?

7) REJECT RECREATION OR LEISURE TIME: “Spend all your free time studying God’s word, reading or listening to soul-saving messages.” HIAN. NO free time? EVER?

Until next week. ✌️

Preaching in buses

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Factors To Consider When Preaching The Gospel In Public Transport”.

I desperately need you guys to know that any grammatical errors you spot while I’m quoting the book are the fault of the author.

The book starts with this gem:

Professor X: “So what’s your mutant power?”

Bus Preacher Guy: “I can decipher the spiritual atmospheric condition in any bus.”

Professor X: “I…I don’t understand what that means or how it can help anyone in a fight.”

Bus Preacher: “If we could just find a bus to get on it, I could show…”

Professor X: “Get out of my office.”

It follows that with this:

See, this is the one rule a lot of them don’t follow because I’ve encountered many bus preachers who were super condescending and needlessly violent with their sermons. Also, the line “…your dogmas will lead to strife and may God help if you escape unhurt” reminds me of this fucking hilarious article I found:

Because people keep saying to not talk shit about “men of God”, this was me after reading this article:

I’m digressing. Let’s move on.

This is where the author really dives into the step-by-step manual on how to verbal harass commuters with your religion.

The book says for the preacher to take authority over the passengers and cast any spirit of distraction or hatred into hell. And then after, scream “PRAISE THE LORD!” to draw attention. The author is self-aware and acknowledges that only a few passengers will respond. He even says that some of the people on the bus will leave to board another bus.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why they always wait till the bus leaves the park before they start preaching. So no one can escape.

Translation: If the people on the bus give a lacklustre response, plead with them to listen.

And if pleading doesn’t work, THREATEN THEM.

The author assures the reader that after these thinly-veiled threats, the response you’ll get the next time you scream “PRAISE THE LORD” will raise the roof. As you’ve “rekindled their rotten mindset”, you can then proceed to lead them in a renowned worship song.

This girl looks like she’s completely over whatever the preacher is saying.

This chapter covers what to preach about…

…and a set of instructions on how to structure your message while preaching.

When you’ve lured them into a false sense of safety, that’s when you scream “If you fall into the following categories of sins you must repent and accept Jesus Christ!” and then proceed to list out a variety of sins. Like:

Preaching in buses

1) Women wearing trousers: “why can’t we present trouser as a gift to our grandmothers in the village. Why did our grandmothers abhor women trouser and hated young women that wore it? Where did women trouser originated? Why do men always lust after women in trousers?”

2) Make Up: “If your dark complexion daughter in nature gain admission to study in the university; after few years she returns as a white lady in light complexion. How would you feels as a mother?”

3) Drinking & Smoking: “How many Bible have you ever behold in bar or beer parlor? How many people have you behold smoking in streets with Bible on their hands? The spirit of God that dwells in us will never permit them to exhibit such ungodliness without fear of God because they knew it is sinful to miss alcohol with the Holy Bible.”

4) Polygamous Marriages: “How many people did God creates in the beginning? Perhaps God created Adam and consequently formed 4 wives from his ribs. Therefore, if not so, what are you doing with those 2-4 wives? Please marriage is between a man and a woman and in marriage there is not divorcement because marriage is honorable before God.”

5) Jewellery: “When you were born God graciously pierced two holes in your eyes for sight and nose for smell; did he pierce any hole in your ear for earrings? Don’t you know that putting on those jewelries on your body signifies idolatry because you cherished it so much as your gods? Please cast off those earrings, wedding rings and jewelries and be natural the way God has formed you.”

6) Hair Attachment: “When you were born God miraculously cover your head with natural sparkling hair but you deliberately put attachment on your head. That is reason why you always have sex in dream, ate in dream, swimming and giving birth in dream and also afflicted with moving object in your body, marital failure, stagnancy and barrenness.”

After horrifying the innocent commuters by explaining in graphic detail how hellfire is going to sear the flesh of their bones if they’re guilty of any of the sins you just listed out, gently ask them to repent and accept Jesus. Then kindly pray (as opposed to being a bitch about it) and encourage them to be prayerful.

The book ends with this:

Because encouraging them to visit any church is not enough. They absolutely have to come to yours or one of its branches.

I wish you guys could’ve seen how hard I was laughing while reading this. My entire life, I’ve thought these guys went about doing stuff at random. So to find out that they have a whole ass manual had me like:

Preaching in buses Preaching in buses

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “My Trip To Heaven And Hell” By Sister Gift Jonathan Ezeke.

If the name Jonathan Ekeze sounds familiar, it’s because he’s the author of the book I recapped last week in which he claimed he (along with his family) lived in a haunted house and fought demons with his bare hands. Gift is his daughter and she claims that she’s been to heaven…twice.

Before I start, I just have to say that Gift (the author of today’s book) was 7 YEARS OLD when the events in this books supposedly took place. I need you to remember this as you read.

CHAPTER 1: HER FIRST JOURNEY TO HEAVEN

This chapter starts with Gift introducing herself in a monologue that sounds like the opening narration of every Hollywood movie. She states her name, age, and the year she visited heaven for the first time (2012). She says that she was asleep on that fateful night at their (haunted) house in Calabar when she suddenly found herself in paradise surrounded by “our fathers of old.”

These people didn’t have name tags nor did they speak to her. How did she know who they were? Not every old guy with a beard in heaven is a prophet from the old testament. It could just be a regular old guy with a beard.

While she’s gawking at old people, an angel brings her a chair made out of gold and asks her to sit. She refuses because she thinks she’s unworthy to sit in a chair fit for Jesus but the angel tells her as calmly as he can to sit the hell down. The same thing happens when he brings her food.

In a place where beings don’t need to eat and things can materialize out of thin air, why is there is a kitchen?

“I am not going anywhere?” Look, I know that Gift was 7 years old at the time, but these angels had to have looked like adult humans and there was no way she would’ve mouthed of like this to an adult human. So, wtf, Gift?

CHAPTER 2: HER SECOND JOURNEY TO HEAVEN

At midnight on the 9th of September 2013, Gift discovers two beings in her room. The first is an angel who has the words “ANGEL GABRIEL SENT FOR GIFT” tattooed across his chest for some reason that is never revealed. Next to the angel is a beast who has the head of a lion but the…everything else of a human.

Note how different her description of heaven is from the description she gave before. Also, why does she seemed surprised by heaven’s beauty (making reference to only hearing about it in church) if she’s been here before?

Jesus welcomes Gift and immediately hands her the book of life to go through. Gift sees her mother and younger brother’s names but stops when she sees the name of the general overseer of her church. The following conversation takes place between Gift and Jesus:

Gift: “Wait please. Is this not my General Overseer’s name?”

Jesus: “Yes, this is your pastor.”

Gift: “So our pastor is also in the book of life?”

Jesus: “Yes. Your pastor, Lazarus Mouka, is the last day messenger sent by my father to warn man for the world will come to an end very soon.”

This is officially the worst product placement I’ve seen since Krispy Kreme’s in 2018’s ‘Power Rangers.’

It occurs to Gift at this point that she hasn’t seen the names of her other family members in the book of life. She asks Jesus why this is and with a shrug, he says, “Idk” and sends her to hell to check the book of death.

CHAPTER 3: HER VISIT TO HELL

Gift is shocked as hell to find her two sisters’ names in the book of death. Her sister, Grace, is in for the sin of “lying and using abusive words” while her other sister, Emanuella, is in for having a wicked heart.

Gift also gets to see the portion of hell dedicated exclusively to children.

If you think this is sick, peep what happens next.

News reaching me right now from Hollywood says that Ruggero Deodato and Eli Roth have quit making horror movies forever because they know they’ll never live up to Gift.

Gift ends the book talking about she’s dedicated her life to warning children everywhere about kiddie hell and that because of this, she’s been experiencing attacks from Satan. Here’s her account of one these attacks:

My problem with this is that this car accident supposedly happened on the 6th of September 2013, three days before her second field trip to heaven and hell (9th of September 2013) and three days before she begins her crusade to save children everywhere from ending up in kiddie hell.

So it’s like, why is the timeline of events such a mess? Why entrust such important information to a 7-year-old? Why am I paying so much attention to the details of what was obviously a little girl’s fever dream?

Bye y’all.

Click here to read my recap of the adventures of Gift’s family in a haunted house in Calabar.

Share this article if it made you laugh or let out a breathy chuckle.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “My Encounter With Demon Attacks” written by Jonathan Ezeke.

CHAPTER 1: His Encounter With The Kingdom of Darkness

This insane story starts on the 5th of March 2011. Jonathan, a minister in The Lord’s Chosen, returns home to Calabar after a business trip to Lagos. He finds out about a 20-year-old Togolese girl named Veronica who’s just moved into their compound. For some reason, Veronica tells the entire compound that she and all her people back home belong to the marine kingdom. She goes on to tell them that her mother sent her to Nigeria like an African Fresh Prince so the marine kingdom wouldn’t dig their claws deeper in her.

For plot convenience, I believe.

Strange things begin to happen in the compound after Veronica’s arrival. Jonathan believes this is because of Veronica and his suspicions are confirmed when a neighbour catches her summoning demons outside her house at 2 AM. Veronica is taken to a church for prayers by Jonathan and after an hour of flopping about on the floor like a fish and vomiting three spiritual birds, she’s delivered.

This deliverance is what starts the battle between Jonathan and the marine kingdom.

CHAPTER 2: The Plan To Kill His Wife

Jonathan and his wife pull an Angelina Jolie by adopting Veronica and brings her to love with them. Not long after, the marine kingdom fires its first shot. His wife’s business crumbles and all her savings disappear from her room. Veronica – who probably hadn’t been kicked out of the marine kingdom’s Slack channel at this point – informs Jonathan that her former bosses are responsible for the sudden fuckery and that they won’t relent until they get her back. Why? Because she was their queen.

Home girl must’ve been pissed.

Out of nowhere, Veronica gets impregnated by some guy so they send her to live with the boy’s mother for the duration of the pregnancy. By the time she returns, she’s been repossessed by the marine kingdom and is now super dedicated to the cause of fucking Jonathan’s wife up.

So, did they just let her keep living with them while all this was happening?

What in the Poltergeist (1982) is going on here??

If you think this is bad, check out what happens in the next chapter.

CHAPTER 3: Household Enemies

Jonathan stages a deliverance prayer session and in the middle of it, discovers something that leaves him asking when the hell he’s going to catch a fucking break.

According to the second daughter, the marine kingdom placed a tiny old woman in her stomach…..You know what? I don’t even know how to report this. Read it yourself.

Girl, wtf?

CHAPTER 4: The Manifestation Of Demons

Immediately after the deliverance session, Jonathan claims that the Lord opened their spiritual eyes. This led them to see hundreds of demons lounging around their house. Think Dean Koontz’ “Odd Thomas” but with demons instead of ghosts. Jonathan and his family have demons as their housemates for a month until a severe prayer session renders his (ogboni) landlord crippled one day and dead the next. The demons leave. Jonathan thinks everything is over.

CHAPTER 5: The Battle Gets Tougher

In April 2013, the demons return with a vengeance in the form of an old woman. Jonathan’s second daughter is the first to see her and freaks the fuck out. The very next day, the demons strike again in the form of an old man.

I tried to put what happened next in my own words but it’s too batshit to explain so here’s a screenshot:

These descriptions. Girl I…

Anyway, holy ghost fire comes down and kills some of the cat demons. The others who aren’t killed escape. They proceed to give praise to God for the victory when this happens:

This isn’t even the most insane part. Keep reading…

Grace is giving Heimdall (the Norse god) a run for his money because all these things she’s seeing sha. LMAO

When Jonathan’s wife returns home from her shop, he and the kids tell her about the exciting day they had wrestling with demons but she doesn’t believe them and calls Jonathan’s family to tell them that he’s lost his damn mind.

A few days later, Jonathan goes to Lagos for a conference and during this time, his wife dreams a dream about demons whining about architecture.

She replies them with a variation of this, “Piss off! We’re not leaving this house until we decide to!”. She wakes up feeling pretty confident until she looks out of her window and sees a person casting a spell in her direction.

I’m not kidding. That’s how the book ends.

This book is basically a mash-up of every horror movie featuring a family living in a haunted house, which makes it annoying that it’s so fucking bad.

Me after reading this.

Pssssssst! If this article made you laugh (or even let out a breathy chuckle), do the Lord’s work by sharing with your friends or whoever you think is in need of a laugh (or a breathy chuckle).

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