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Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
I’ve spent the last few days thinking of all the episodes of “So You Don’t Have To” I’ve written in 2021 so as to pick out my absolute best five to put on this list, and I couldn’t. Do you know why?
Because they’re all amazing.
I’m funny as hell and every episode of SYDHT I’ve put out has been groundbreaking. I truly believe that future generations will sit around campfires/classrooms and talk about me like I was Comedian Jesus.
I’m glad we had that talk.
Just because I couldn’t put all of them on this list, here are my five favourite SYDHT episodes of 2021.
In December of 2020, I was contacted by a self-proclaimed herbalist who claimed he could make me a shit ton of money in a ritual that would NOT require a human life. I was going to ignore him because I don’t do demons but figured I could get a bitching SYDHT episode out of it. And baby, I DID. Read to find out how far down the rabbit hole I went in my attempt to find out how money rituals work.
This 1998 Nollywood movie has everything. The eternally beautiful Regina Askia, Sugar Daddy RMD, old Nollywood witchcraft, necrophilia, telekinesis, trapped souls in groundnut bottles, the main antagonist turning into a dog at the end, much more shit. It also helps that the plot is batshit.
Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until they had a fight in 2017 and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.
On the 15th of October 2021, a moaning competition took place on Twitter Spaces. I took it upon myself to attend the moaning competition undercover so I could recap the event for those who couldn’t attend or were too ashamed to. I still haven’t recovered. Dollars could speed up my recovery. Send me some.
I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To
The makers of this iteration of “Nneka the Pretty Serpent” tried to solve the problem of the original movie (not having an actual plot) by giving a reason for Nneka’s murder spree. But due to the unintentionally hilarious execution and unnecessarily complex backstory, it doesn’t quite work and is confusing as hell.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be telling the story of the time I tried pre-workout and almost sent myself to the great beyond.
I made a big mistake that day. And yes, I have ragrets.
Date: 11th of November 2021
Time: 7:50 a.m.
Location: Bedroom
Activity: Thinking
I’m lying in bed thinking about my fitfam journey. Ever since I fell off the rails in 2017, it’s been a mess. I think about how I registered at a gym in April 2021 and actually did the damn thing for a few months but fell off again. Now, three months later, I haven’t gone back because I’m always tired.
But that’s about to change. You see, I’ve recently encountered something that can turn my fitness journey around. The thing doesn’t belong to me, but I’m going to get my hands on it by any means necessary.
Summer body here I come.
Time: 10:30 a.m.
Location: Kitchen
Activity: Stealing
My partner has just bought a tub of pre-workout, and I am determined to try some of it without telling them.
I have no idea why I’m keeping this is a secret. I guess being fraudulent makes me feel alive. Anyway, I mix a scoop of the pre-workout powder in water. I expect it to have the same texture as a protein shake but it doesn’t and just looks like…powder in water. I’m like, “YOLO” and down it in one gulp. The high-pitched scream that escapes my lips immediately after swallowing would’ve made Ariana Grande say “Kilode?!”
The mixture tastes like citrus-flavoured battery acid.
Time: 11:26 a.m.
Location: On my way to the gym in a cab
Activity: Vibrating with energy
It’s been almost an hour since I drank the pre-workout and I feel excellent. I get to the gym and immediately start sprinting on the treadmill.
I spend 20 minutes on the treadmill, move straight to the elliptical machine, and start riding violently. I go from that to the weights section to work on my arms. When I’m done, I put my legs to work at the squat rack. I can feel the energy from the pre-workout coursing through my body like electricity and I feel ALIVE.
This must be what eating meth feels like.
Time: 12: 49 p.m.
Location: The gym floor
Activity: Trying not to die
One moment, I’m working the hell out of a stationary bike, and the next, I’m on the floor feeling faint. The room is spinning and my chest is doing gbim gbim. I wonder what could be causing this and remember that I took the pre-workout on an empty stomach. Fuck. It’s the middle of the day so I’m alone in that section of the gym. I lie there for a few minutes, unable to get up. Then I think about what the headlines would be if I die on the top floor of Nigeria’s fastest-growing gym chain, surrounded by stationary bikes. That gives me the strength to stand.
“Lagos fat man slumps and dies while working out.”
Time: 1:15 p.m.
Location: Sandwich shop beside the gym
Activity: Wolfing down a disgustingly healthy sandwich
In the sandwich shop’s defence, selling anything but healthy food next to a gym would be plain evil. I made my way there and frantically demanded a sandwich, scaring the attendants so much, they hand me the sandwich before asking for money. As I sit there eating a sandwich filled with leaves, I remember the stock photos of white people laughing while eating salads and wonder what the fuck they’re laughing at because this shit tastes like grass.
Fuck those lying Caucasians.
Time: 1:30 p.m.
Location: Gym toilet
Activity: Virtual work meeting
Turns out a client scheduled an important meeting for that time and I totally forgot about it. Fortunately, I had enough energy to “Hmmm” and “Yah” my way through it. Capitalism is the worst.
I picked the toilet because I needed a quiet place and the gym plays loud ass music 24/7.
Time: 3: 21 p.m.
Location: Home
Activity: Realising that I could’ve fucking died that day
I’m reading the instructions on the side of the pre-workout container and it says that beginners should first try half a scoop to see how their body reacts to it. It also says that pre-workout contains the caffeine equivalent of four cups of coffee and that people with hypertension should stay away from it. Guess who has two thumbs and blood pressure that’s high as shit?
Me.
I could’ve died of a heart attack. Girl, I…
Time: 4:39 a.m.
Location: Bedroom
Activity: Screaming in frustration
It’s been over 12 hours since I got home, and I’m exhausted but can’t sleep because the pre-workout electricity is still running through me. I scream, “EliEli lama sabachthani?!” and fall to the floor in tears. My partner is stressed out and sitting in a chair, watching me display madness. I’ve refused to let them sleep because HOW DARE THEY SLEEP WHEN I’M IN DISTRESS?!
“I’M A GOOD PERSON! I DON’T DESERVE THIS!!”
Time: 7:23 a.m.
Location: Kitchen floor
Activity: FINALLY sleeping
Never again will I attempt to use performance enhancers. Nah fat I fat. I no kill person.
Today, I will be recapping the 2017 Nollywood movie, Alter Ego.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
You are going to angrily flip a table when you find out why this is the movie’s name.
Alter Ego was released in 2017. It marked Omotola’s return to the big screen after a few years away and was heavily marketed using clips from the movie’s cringe-worthy sex scenes. It didn’t click at the time but I’m willing to bet that this movie was inspired by the TV show, How To Get Away With Murder.
So you can see why.
The movie starts at a courthouse in Lagos, which is abuzz with reporters publicizing the proceedings of the high-profile sexual assault case going on inside…
…to the eager general public.
This immediately lets me know that this movie takes place in some alternate universe’s version of Nigeria where cases of any kind get this much coverage or any at all.
The case is about the sexual assault of a teenage girl by a rich and powerful man. Barrister Ada Igwe (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde), a human rights lawyer, is defending the girl. When it seems like the rich man is about to escape prison time by claiming he wasn’t in the country when the alleged assault happened, Ada stands and up screams:
She then provides receipts that he actually was in the country at the time of the assault, sending him to prison. By the time the opening credits roll, it’s been established – by the reporters repeating it every 6 seconds – that Ada Igwe is a well-known human rights lawyer who has dedicated her life to getting justice for the victims of sexual assault. It’s also shown that when the law fails, Ada is willing to do anything necessary to make sure sex offenders get their comeuppance, one way or another.
On her way home from the court, it’s revealed that Ada is a nymphomaniac when she decides to have a genital meet & greet with her driver in the back seat of her car WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
When they get to her house, she gives him a three-month salary advance and fires him. Apparently, her M.O is to sleep with her employees and then pay them to leave when she’s done. She does this with her gardener…
…and her SISTER’S HUSBAND, Daniel (Kunle Remi), who she hires to work for her law firm after he loses his job. They’re driving to work together one day when she’s like:
And so she does in the very next scene:
He catches feelings for her immediately.
[newsletter]
Ada acknowledges that this is an incredibly shitty thing she’s doing but keeps slobbing on his knob anyway. She begs him not to tell her sister, Zika.
Meanwhile, a politician named Timothy Ighodaro (Wale Ojo) takes an interest in Ada.
He befriends Ada, claiming to also be a human rights activist and even accompanies her to a few IDP camps to deliver provisions. After a while, they become close and start sucking each other faces.
One day, Ada finds out that one of the teenage girls she’s defended in court may, like her, have a sex addiction. She is horrified by this, and after taking the girl to a therapist, tearfully reveals to Timothy the reason she’s so passionate about fighting for human rights! She was molested at the age of 13 by a teacher back in secondary school, causing her to create an ALTER EGO to hide her sex addiction, which she believes was caused by the abuse. Timothy is sympathetic, and this conversation makes Ada decide to get a handle on her sex addiction. She fires Daniel so she won’t be tempted to bump genitals with him anymore.
During one of Ada’s visits to an IDP camp, she spots a girl named Aisha (Emem Inwang) who looks bruised up and deathly terrified of something/someone. Ada tries to find out what’s wrong but whenever she tries to strike up a conversation, the girl runs off screaming. Ada realises that Aisha is afraid to talk in public so she has Aisha KIDNAPPED from the camp and brought to her house.
After calming herself, Aisha explains that the reason she’s constantly terrified is that Timothy Ighodaro has been sexually assaulting her for months and has threatened to kill her if she tells anyone. Ada is sceptical, but Aisha is like:
Aisha produces receipts in the form of pictures that her brother took of all the time Timothy has come to the camp for nefarious reasons. Distraught and confused, Ada goes to get advice from her sister, Zika, about the situation. She falls asleep in Zika’s living room, which leads to Zika seeing the following texts from her husband to Ada.
Zika is fucking furious and throws Ada out of the house. Having lost the trust of her only remaining family member and confidant, she wanders the street barefoot and has the obligatory “maincharacter showers depressingly to show that their life has fallen apart” scene.
Ada confronts Timothy with the pictures and he doesn’t deny it. He says he expected she’d understand because, like her, he too was molested as a child and only rapes people as a side effect of his abuse. When she lets him know that her explanation makes no fucking sense, he threatens to out her to society as a sex addict. She doesn’t back down and takes him to court to get justice for Amina.
He makes makes good on his threat and has his attorney slut shame her in front of the court.
The attorney goes on to claim that Ada is using this court case (and by proxy, Aisha) to get back at Timothy for breaking up with her after finding out about her sex addiction. The next thing you know, Timothy’s lawyer starts bringing witnesses to the stand to defame Ada’s character. First up is Zika, who is still pissed as hell that Ada slept with her husband.
Up next is Daniel, who is still upset that Ada will no longer let him eat her hairy snail.
This goes on a WHILE and the judge just allows it until Ada is like:
She drops proof that Timothy molested Aisha and many others in the IDP camp and he gets carted off to prison for 14 years.
A few weeks after the case, Ada tracks down the teacher who molested her as a teenager. She finds him blind, bedridden from multiple illnesses and living in a swamp. She whips out a gun from her purse and goes to shoot him in the face as revenge but changes her mind, deciding that life is already kicking his ass for his sins. she emerges from her molester’s swamp to find Zika and Daniel waiting for her. They all quietly point guns at each other.
And just as the screen goes black, we hear a gunshot.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror movie, “Oracle.”
This has very little to do with the movie or this poster, but I met Charles Okafor a few weeks ago at a supermarket, and he’s still a Zaddy. I just thought y’all would like to know.
I remember watching this movie as a child in the late 90s, and the entire cast was young, somehow hip, and at the top of their game. Now, two of them have been dead for over five years and the rest aren’t even in movies anymore. Kinda makes you think about how Father Time is matching forward ruthlessly, pushing every single person – whether they want to be moved or not – towards a family grave in Ikoyi cemetery, with an ugly ass tombstone covered in tacky, overpriced bathroom tiles.
That’s it. That’s this week’s opener.
It starts with a bunch of people on a bus. They look like they’re in the middle of nowhere so my guess is that they’re travelling from one state to another. They’re chilling, doing regular people shit. Two of them look like they’re planning to fornicate, and it’s so sweet to observe.
Ominous music swells and a car shows up in the bus’ rearview mirror.
The car runs the bus off the road and armed men emerge from it. The bus’ passengers attempt to lock the doors but that doesn’t work because the robbers have associates on the bus. Even though they’re just there to steal, they whip out Famicom video game-looking guns and start shooting people at random like they’re playing Duck Hunt.
After killing a couple of people, a police squad shows up and there’s a shootout. This is the confirmation I need to know that this movie takes place in an alternate reality because when was the last time the Nigerian police actually did their job?
The police win and some of the robbers are killed. We’re never told what the fuck all that is about because the movie’s opening credits roll and there’s a 9-month time jump. The remaining members of the robbery gang, Obinna (Saint Obi), Uche (Ejike Asiegbu), and Donatus (Charles Okafor) have been assembled for one last job by some guy that’s supposed to be a caucasian American but really looks like Filipino Lionel Richie.
Obinna and Uche are all for stealing the mask of Okpakiri, but Donatus is worried that Okpakiri will fuck them up for stealing from it. The others quickly shame Donatus into going along with the plan by saying:
They go to the village and attempt to steal the mask themselves but abort the mission when they keep hearing noises in the woods. They decide to get help from two of the village’s elders. They explain their mission to the elders, Odimkpa (Pete Edochie) and Ifedi (Enebeli Elebuwa), and the elders are at first horrified by the idea of stealing from a spirit. But Obinna, Uche, and Donatus offer the elders N500,000 each, and this immediately changes their minds.
To avoid being seen by the other villagers, they all go at night to steal the mask. Odimkpa spits some Igbo incantations to conjure the mask.
When the chief priest of Okpakiri’s shrine shows up for work the next morning, he sees the mask is missing and screams:
The gang of thieves make it back to Lagos and deliver Okpakiri’s mask to Filipino Lionel Richie. Filipino Lionel Richie takes the mask into a backroom to inspect it. Then this happens:
What the fuck this interaction was about is never explained.
Filipino Lionel Richie returns from the backroom and gives the gang the money for the job (N9 million). What follows is a montage of the boys spending their money on random things. Donatus buys his fiancée a car…
…and Obinna starts building a house.
We’re never told what Uche does with his cut. I’m assuming it had a lot to do with drugs and prostitutes, and that’s why it wasn’t shown onscreen.
If you’re wondering how they’re able to do all this with N3 million each (N9 million split three ways), remember that this movie was released in 1998 and the economy wasn’t as shitty as it is now.
Unknown to our gang of thieves, Okpakiri is angry as hell that it has been robbed. To get revenge, it builds itself a physical body in the form of a naked gym bro covered in gold paint and wearing a straw bob wig.
Okpakiri sets off on a journey to Lagos to kill the thieves. He makes his first public appearance at Uche’s birthday party, killing the celebrant by spiritually choking him to death.
The gag is that Uche is the only one who sees Okpakiri so Obinne and Donatus don’t yet know that they’re now starring in their very own horror movie. The idea that they’re being haunted and killed off by Okpakiri eventually crosses Donatus’ mind so he and Obinna go ask Odimkpa what the hell is going on.
But it soon becomes clear that something is happening when Ifedi dies in a freak accident…
…and Obinna is impaled by an iron rod after falling from the top of his uncompleted building.
Donatus returns to the village, trying to find a way to escape death but is promptly killed by Okpakiri.
When Odimkpa realises that he’s the only one left, he tries to hang himself.
But Okpakiri shows up and is like:
The movie ends with a cliffhanger every old Nollywood fan is familiar with.
But that was a fucking lie because there was never a sequel.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 classic Nollywood movie, “Died Wretched.”
The wig Eucharia’s has on in this poster will haunt my dreams for eternity.
There are some Nollywood movies that, based on their titles alone, you know will be about one someone (or people) just suffering anyhow from start to finish. That’s exactly what “Died Wretched” is about. Brace yourself for the impact of onscreen poverty accompanied by a sad as hell late 90s Nollywood soundtrack.
The movie starts with a man named Lucas (Tom Njemanze) returning from work. You can tell that Lucas is going through it because he’s on a bus with his coworkers and they’re talking about how they haven’t been paid salaries in two months. Lucas gets home to find his children in various stages of despair.
You see, because he hasn’t been paid in so long, they’re dirt poor and can’t afford anything to buy food. After spending some time in his room wondering why sapa has him in a chokehold…
…he decides to offer up one of his sons as a sales boy to an old colleague of his named Mayor.
Mayor doesn’t take Lucas’ son as a sales boy because he thinks it’ll be weird, but he does give Lucas N50,000. He talks about Lucas’ billionaire nephew, Chris (Tony Umez), and asks why Lucas hasn’t asked him for money yet. Lucas says that Chris always makes promises but never delivers. Lucas goes to Chris’ house the next day but Chris isn’t home. He meets his wife, Sarah (Eucharia Anunobi) instead. Sarah calls Chris and they have a conversation that goes like this:
Sarah doesn’t send Lucas home, though, because she feels bad for him and wants Chris to help. While they’re waiting for Chris to return, Lucas reveals to Sarah that he too used to be rich as fuck but all that changed when the fire nation attacked.
I couldn’t help myself.
All that changed when Chris got arrested and Lucas had to use all his money to get Chris out of jail. He says he also paid Chris’ way through school and is super pissed that Chris is refusing to give him money to start a business. And while I get why he’s upset, his entire thing is doing my body somehow because it reeks of entitlement. Maybe it’s just me sha.
Chris gets back and finds Lucas sleeping in the living room. He goes to his and Sarah’s bedroom and gets into a fight with her for not sending Lucas home as he asked. Sarah reads him for filth, telling him to stop being a stingy bastard and help the man who sacrificed so much for his success. Chris agrees to give Lucas a house and N5 million to start a spare parts business. Lucas is excited and immediately goes to find a shop to rent. When he returns to Chris to get rent money for the shop, Chris says:
And Lucas immediately starts going:
Which makes Chris go:
To calm Lucas down, Chris gives him a wad of cash and begs him to be patient. But Lucas gets angry and storms out with the cash, screaming that he doesn’t need Chris’ help anymore because the embarrassment he has faced is too much. It’s revealed soon after that Chris is a lying piece of shit who is cheating on Sarah. We even see him buy his side chick a car.
Meanwhile, Lucas and his family get thrown out of their house for owing rent. It’s revealed here that Lucas believes that Sarah is the reason Chris doesn’t deliver on his promises. He insists that Sarah has instructed Chris to not give money to his relatives. This is insane because Sarah is the one who keeps pleading on his behalf.
Lucas’s wife, Joy (Rachel Oniga), shows up at Chris’ office one day looking distraught. Chris thinks she has come for the money he promised and writes a check but this happens:
He and Joy sit together and cry unintentionally hilarious tears.
Chris goes home to inform Sarah that Lucas is dead and she’s like:
Chris and Sarah go to the village to plan Lucas’ burial. At the meeting with their other relatives, Chris stands up and announces that he wants to give Lucas a befitting burial by spending a shit ton of money on it. One guy present is like:
Before Chris can respond, the women at the meeting start a fight with Sarah, accusing her of being the reason Chris never helped Lucas. Sarah holds her own against the women and I am AROUSED.
Six months pass and it’s finally time for the burial. Chris goes all out with the preparations. As Lucas’ casket is being lowered into the ground, the pastor halts proceedings and uses bible verses to indirectly insult the shit out of Chris. Then Lucas is buried and everyone…
Do you know what will always bother me about this movie? Certain plot threads are never tied up. Like Chris’ side chick or the fact that Chris never said a word to support Sarah when his people thought she was the reason for his stinginess.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I will be recapping the super chaotic 2008 Nollywood movie, “Beyonce & Rihanna”
Get a load of those outfits. The insane 2000s fashion energy is strong with this one.
The drugs going around Nollywood in 2008 must’ve been cheap as hell because a movie executive most likely in the middle of a three-day-long cocaine bender sat down and decided to make FOUR movies about the ‘Beyonce and Rihanna fighting over Jay Z‘ rumours. I hope that that movie executive eventually went to rehab and got the help they needed but I’m also grateful to them for creating the batshit franchise that is “Beyonce & Rihanna.”
The movie starts with Jay (Jim Iyke), a music producer auditioning two female singers in his home. His girlfriend, Bernice (Nadia Buari), shows up looking like a Mount Zion movie university cult member and throws the girls out because she believes they have plans to sleep with Jay.
Bernice is terrified that Jay is going to cheat on her with one (or all) of the many aspiring female singers who throw themselves at him for a chance at a record deal. So she decides to move into his house to keep a closer eye on him. Her father doesn’t like the idea of her going to live with a man she’s not married to and Bernice claims it’s because she needs proper space to practice for a singing competition she’s currently in. Her father has this to say about her reasons:
Bernice’s father orders her not to leave the house but she does anyway so he promptly disowns her. She drives to Jay’s house and forcefully moves in. Jay doesn’t want this but also doesn’t want Bernice’s wahala so he just lets her go in and is like:
We’re introduced to Rhyme (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde) in the next scene when she mistakenly hits Bernice with her car. When Bernice sees that it’s Rhyme that’s hit her, she has a flashback to their days in uni when she lost a singing competition to Rhyme. She also remembers that she’s up against Rhyme in the singing competition she’s currently in. Filled with rage, she angrily accuses Rhyme of trying to kill her. Rhyme explains that it was an accident but Bernice isn’t listening. She steals Rhyme’s car and drives off grand theft auto style. Rhyme is left standing at the side of the road like:
When Jay finds out what Bernice has done, he returns Rhyme’s car to her. While talking, they exchange subtle glances that seem to say:
But nothing happens and they go their separate ways. It’s established that Rhyme is the level-headed one and Bernice is insecure and noisy. For like one hour, the movie is just a montage of Bernice and Rhyme running into each other at random places and bickering. At some point, they book the same rehearsal space and get into a physical fight over it, causing Rhyme to beat Bernice’s ass.
When two of the judges in the singing competition both girls are in start asking the contestants to sleep with them in exchange for getting ahead in the competition (threatening the ones who turn them down with elimination)…
…Bernice and Rhyme have to work together to take them down. Rhyme thinks this means that she and Bernice will finally be on good terms, but Bernice is like:
With the evil, horny competition judges vanquished, Bernice and Rhymes make it into the semi-finals and qualify for the finals. This competition’s prize money is $100,000 so you would think that a show put together by people with that kind of money would look super fancy, yeah? Well, take a look at this:
Pictured above: The venue of a singing competition with prize money of $100,000.
Jay tries to sign Rhyme to his record label and Bernice loses her entire shit when she finds out. When Jay asks Bernice why the hell she’s so pressed by Rhyme’s existence, Bernice reveals that long before Rhyme beat her in their first competition, Rhyme stole her boyfriend. We’re shown a flashback that features both actresses in two insane wigs.
Jay tells Bernice he’s sorry that happened to her but that he’s only interested in Rhyme’s talent. Upset, Bernice goes to harass Rhymes at a place that’s supposed to be a restaurant but is clearly a corner of the dining area in someone’s house.
In the next scene, Jay just shows up at Rhyme’s house and creepily demands to watch her rehearse. Rhyme is in the middle of telling him to fuck off when he grabs her face and does this:
When he’s done sucking her face, Rhyme is like:
Then Jay leaves.
Meanwhile, Bernice has been downing dozens of energy drinks to keep up with her vigorous dance rehearsals that we never see, and it eventually takes a toll on her. She keeps passing out every few minutes like Jean in the 90s X-Men cartoon. A doctor says that the energy drinks are “weakening her nerves” and that she not only needs to stop drinking them, but she also needs to abstain from strenuous activity for the next two weeks. Bernice doesn’t listen and ends up back in the hospital again a few days later. She misses the competition’s finals and Rhyme wins the $100,000.
Jay breaks into Rhyme’s house a couple of times trying to convince her to date him but each time she says no. Eventually, she caves.
And that’s all it takes for Rhyme to change her mind.
Omo, things become even more chaotic from here. Jay and Rhyme start dating even though Bernice still lives in his house. Bernice snaps and hires boys to beat Rhyme up. For some reason, Jay throws a birthday party for Bernice and Rhyme crashes it to announce that she and Jay are getting married. Jay knows nothing about this and it causes a group fight at the party. Jay keeps entertaining both women and Rhyme is furious so she decides to move into the house to “keep her eye on her man.” The movie turns into a “The Boy Is Mine” situation with Bernice and Rhyme fighting over who gets to sleep in Jay’s bedroom. Every time they fight, Jay does nothing.
Even worse, it’s made clear that he has sex with both of them at different times through all this.
During one of their fights, Jay is hit over the head with a bottle and is knocked unconscious. Rhyme hires boys to beat up Bernice. She takes the games further by tying Bernice to a chair and dropping her in the middle of the street at night. Jay gets tired of all the fighting and kicks both girls out of the house.
Yet another singing competition comes up and the girls decide that whoever wins it gets Jay. Jay has no input in this whatsoever. This new competition has a cash prize of $200,000. Please look at the stage:
While Bernice and Rhyme are battling for Jay’s heart on stage, Jay is outside exchanging saliva with some random woman.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be reviewing the wigs in Kunle Afolayan’s Netflix movie, “Swallow.”
First of all, let me just say that the name of this movie is super misleading. Maybe it’s just me but for a movie named “Swallow,’ I expected to see a lot of swallowing…
“Swallow” is a movie made by Kunle Afolayan. It’s about a girl named Tolani (Niyola) who practically spends the entire movie GOING THROUGH IT. Jesus Christ. Tolani’s life is straight-up diarrhoea. She exists in 1985 Nigeria, is poor as hell, and works a dead-end job where she is constantly sexually harassed by her boss and gossipped about by her coworkers. After she loses her job and things get even harder, Tolani decides to join her best friend and roommate, Rose (Ijeoma Grace Agu), in smuggling drugs for some guy that looks like the offspring of John Okafor and early 2000s Hanks Anuku.
After trying and failing to SWALLOW the wraps of drugs she’s supposed to smuggle, Tolani is like, “What the fuck is this shit?” and decides to move back to her village to join her mother’s Adire business. Rose is determined to never give up and carries on with the plan but promptly dies on the CGI plane after the drug wraps burst open in her stomach.
I’m not even kidding.
Other stuff happens in the movie’s two hour run time, but what I just gisted you are the most important parts. The movie is…just fine. It’s too long in my opinion. Niyola acts her ass off in it and did amazing but the real star is Ijeoma Grace Agu who plays the tough Rose. In Kunle Afolayan fashion, the setting is perfect. He does an amazing job of bringing 1980s Lagos to life with props and fashion. The only things in this movie that stand out in a terrible way are the wigs. If you know me, you know I’m OBSSESSED with bad wigs.
You see the wigs in this movie? The wigs in this movie will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. It’s like the spirit of Tyler Perry possessed both Kunle Afolayan and the person in charge of hair on set, causing them to look at the actors in the movie and say, “LET’S FUCK THESE PEOPLE UP.” That’s why I’ve brought you all here today. To talk about the crusty ass wigs in this movie because I will never know peace if I don’t.
1) This wig on Rose’s head.
This character was onscreen a lot and even though I was living for the actress’ performance, all I could think of whenever she showed up is how this wig looks like a shower cap disguised as hair. If you need a wig that will protect your real hair underneath and still somewhat look like hair if you ever get caught in the rain or decide to shower with it because you’re having shower sex with a stranger/potential love interest and you don’t want them to see you in your true form, this is the wig for you.
2) This wig on Franca’s head.
Franca’s personality and eyebrows are off-putting enough so having to gaze upon this mess on her head whenever she showed face was a real struggle. This wig is a hat. It’s a hairy hat. It looks like it’s made out of dyed cotton. If Franca ever wanders near a fire in this cap, goodbye to her.
3) These wigs on Tolani’s nameless coworkers.
They have no lines. They’re quite literally just extras but the movie’s hair person still felt the need to put both of them in wigs that look like broccoli. I couldn’t focus on the scene because of them. They’re both serving 48-year-old civil servant energy with those wigs and personally, I think they deserved better.
4) The wig on this random person they run into the club.
Bruno Mars called. He wants his hair back.
5) These wigs.
These aren’t wigs. They’re plants. These ladies are wearing vines on their heads, and I want to know who is responsible for this. Imagine having as little screentime as these two and then the hairstylist on set destroys a potted plant and places the remains on your head.
6) These sideburns, moustache, and soul patch on Sanwo.
Honestly, I can’t tell if they’re real or fake. But looking at Deyemi Okanlawon walking around the movie looking like Super Mario stressed me out.
7) This wig on Johnny’s head.
What is this wig? This wig is a rodent. Anytime he came onscreen, I half-expected the wig to squeak and jump off his head. And that side part? What did that side part achieve? Even worse, when he turns around, you can see that this wig is clearly a squirrel skin cap sitting on top of his real hair. Take a look:
That ponytail?! SKDHFKJDHFKJ!
8) This wig on OC’s head.
This wig is a helmet. If you fall off a motorcycle going at full speed while wearing this wig, your head will be just fine. It’s the road that’ll be in trouble. This is the same wig Mechad Book’s wore in that movie “A Fall From Grace.” This wig makes him look like one of the cartoon globetrotters. This wig moonlights as a sponge for washing pots.
9) This wig on the pastor’s head.
I’m losing my mind at the fact that Kunle Afolayan couldn’t score himself a good wig for this cameo. This wig is proof that God has abandoned us. This wig is what my sleep paralysis demon has on whenever it sashays from the corner of my room to choke me.
10) This wig on Godwin’s head.
I don’t…I don’t even know what this is. What is that hairline? Why are the sides levitating off his head? The wig looks like a piece of an old rug. It looks like someone glued a shit ton of pubic hair together and called it a day. This wig is going to tear a hole in the fabric of space and time, cause a black hole, and suck the whole planet in. This wig is the reason why aliens don’t want to communicate with us. I hate this wig so much.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Yes, I attended THAT moaning competition so I could recap it.
It’s been almost 24 hours and I still feel dirty because of the things I heard.
15th of October, 2021.
The time is 10 pm. My coworker and homegirl, Martha, texts me this on WhatsApp:
I was confused as hell.
You see, I had been off Twitter all day so I had no idea a moaning competition was even happening. I go digging for backstory and find this:
The owner of the account even posted a picture of the prize vibrator.
That is…one hell of a fake penis.
I almost turn down Martha’s suggestion to recap it for “So You Don’t Have To” because I don’t think anyone would put themselves out there like that for just a vibrator. Also, I don’t think many people will attend because when a version of this took place on Clubhouse in 2020, the commentary on Twitter made it seem like being a part of such a thing, regardless of what role you play, is cringe.
Then I think to myself, “This is happening on Twitter Spaces. It won’t hurt to just pop in and observe for a bit.” I decide to not use my main account to join because Twitter informs your followers when you join a Space and I don’t want people to brand me as some kind of Igbo perv. I fire up my burner account and join the Space with that.
The number of people I meet in there, makes me go:
There are over 8000 listeners present and counting!
People are pouring in so fast, the host’s Twitter app starts hanging. She suggests moving the event to another app and after some deliberation, settles on Clubhouse. Many people don’t mind. A few people are not here for the virtual venue change.
Before I can get myself together to join on Clubhouse, the host has moved it back to Twitter Spaces. Why? Too many people joined the Clubhouse room and it kept crashing. This one guy is pissed.
Now, it’s no longer being hosted by the girl behind orgasm.ng’s Twitter account. I think all that activity destroyed her app or something. It’s some other guy’s account now. He’s the one moving proceedings along.
I’m just chilling in there with my burner like:
There are now over 10,000 listeners in the Space.
The host is having a hard time managing things because his Twitter keeps glitching. A few minutes pass and nothing happens. Some guy takes the mic and asks the host to hurry up because it’s late and he has other things to do. This kills me because no one is forcing him to be there. Another guy comes on to say that he may or may not already have his dick in his hands so he doesn’t want to hear men join the competition. This annoys me because it’s a classic case of cisgender heterosexual men thinking everything should cater to them.
As all this is happening, there are people on the timeline judging everyone that’s tuned in for the first-ever Moan Olympics. Here’s one of them concluding that a few thousand people coming together to enjoy themselves is the reason why Nigeria is falling apart.
And I’m just like:
Some girl says she wants to kick off the show with her sick moaning skills. When they give her the mic, she starts giggling and says she can’t moan. This girl clearly thinks we’re here to play so she gets kicked out immediately. Another girl officially kicks off the event with 20 seconds of moaning. You can tell that she’s doing her best but unfortunately, her moaning sounds like she’s sighing after a hard day’s work of lifting bricks at a construction site.
She gets props (and some money donated by a generous listener) for breaking the ice. Another girl comes on and moans like she’s having sex in her family house and is trying to be quiet so her entire extended family won’t hear.
This is me in my corner of the Space as she’s moaning:
There are now over 13,000 listeners in the Space.
An anonymous donor drops ₦100,000 as part of the prizes. Now that the prize is way more than a vibrator, guys are scrambling willing to come on. Like 4 guys come on and each one is more disappointing the last. There’s one guy who makes me laugh sha. He throws in Yoruba dirty talk and not even as a joke. It’s giving this:
The first girl says she used her fingers and a vibrator to elevate her moaning performance. The host asks her to explain her process in detail but she says that’ll cost them more money. I stan a smart money woman. People are rating the moans in the comments ,throwing up the 💯 emoji for the ones they enjoy. A girl named Skushies comes and starts moaning like white woman in a porn video. People are living for it.
There are now over 16,000 listeners in the Space.
Someone pities the first guy who moaned and gives him ₦5000. He’s so excited. A girl comes on to moan but starts talking about ENDSARS instead. She gets kicked out. A girl named Bunnie comes on and starts moaning intensely and you can hear vigorous slapping sounds in the background. Her moans are more like whispers and I imagine that this is what Nicole Kidman’s character in “Big Little Lies” would sound like during sex. People are LOVING it. I am too because I am getting my entire life. 10s across the board, baby!
A guy comes on and gives it his best but sounds like he’s either taking a particularly strong shit or getting head from someone using too much teeth. A girl named Lady Revulva comes on. I’m doubling over, cackling at her funny ass name when she launches into her moan-ologue and blows everyone away. She’s doing an amazing job! She’s giving dirty talk AND storyline! Wait. She just choked on something! I hear gagging! SKDHJFJKSHFKJDSHFK!
Me, during Lady Revulva’s performance.
There are now over 18,000 listeners in the Space!
I can’t get over how many people are in here. I feel stupid that I used a burner to do this because there are so many people I recognise from the TL in here, with their verified accounts and all. Prize money keeps flying about for the Moana-s. The host puts up a poll so people can vote for their favourite Moaning Queen. A guy named David donates ₦50,000 and asks Lady Revulva, Skushies, and Bunnie to moan for it. Note that this is separate from the overall challenge for ₦100,000. Here are my notes from this round:
“Revulva goes first and she is serving, hunty! She is giving the audience everything they want! Gagging, spitting, gluck-glucking. Oh, she’s taking it. Skushies goes next. She seems jealous of the attention Revulva is getting. She gets going, starts softly and throws in sound effects. I can hear wet slapping and it’s making me scared. I hear a gushing sound now??? WOW. It sounds like a busted pipe! The host had to stop her but he seems super impressed. Bunnie is up. She starts slow and builds up to a crescendo and screams loudly. What follows is a loud gushing sound and then total silence.Everyone is confused. No one knows what’s happened to Bunnie.After a few minutes, she comes back online and explains that she squirted so hard, the vagina water knocked the phone out of her, muting her mic in the process. Everyone is stunned. People are losing their minds on the TL.”
They set the poll for this round and Skushies wins. The host starts doing ads for people who’ve paid him money to advertise for them. One woman advertises her food service and I die laughing because it’s such a funny place to advertise food but also genius. Someone has the host play their song. The entire event starts giving radio show realness and I become tired. I glance at the clock and see that it’s 12:45 am. Damn. I’ve been at this for 2 hours and 45 minutes now. The host starts talking about another around and I decide right then that:
And with that, I fall asleep.
I wake up the next morning to find that more drama transpired while I slept. Skushies didn’t get some of her prize money and she was pissed.
The tweet she quoted (that has now been deleted) was by the host.
Martha gists me later that when the time came for Skushies to get some of her prize money, the host said it it was $100 and not ₦100,000. Even funnier, here’s how the story of the $100 ends:
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
If you’re wondering who won the overall challenge and left with the ₦100k and vibrator, it’s Bunnie.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be taking a look at the product placement in the Netflix series, “Smart Money Woman.”
All I can see in this picture is Toni Tones’ SNATCHED waist.
My original plan was to do a “So You Don’t Have To” recap of this but after watching three episodes, something else caught my attention. The product placement on the show.
“Product placement, also known as embedded marketing, is a marketing technique where references to specific brands or products are incorporated into another work, such as a film or television program, with specific promotional intent.“
Nollywood isn’t great at product placement. I still have nightmares about the super obvious product placement in “Namaste Wahala,” and that one scene from Rattlesnake (2020) where Norbert Young’s character talks about how Amstel Malta zero is good for his blood sugar.
The amstel Malta Advert in #rattlesnake is all shades of ridiculous
Yes, Nollywood throws subtlety out the window when it comes to product placement. But you see “Smart Money Woman”? This show hit a whole other level of not giving a shit. The characters practically stop mid-scene to do mini-informercials for different brands. It’s wild, it’s violent, and it’s fucking hilarious. That’s why I’ve decided to talk about some of them today.
This shot of Virgin Atlantic’s logo
This happened in the first few seconds of the show’s first episode. Production didn’t waste time at all.
This shot of Tami (Ini Dima Okojie) in front of Privé restaurant.
She stands here for the duration of her call with Zuri and the wide shot just looks funny. Like the restaurant’s exterior wasn’t enough, they had her hold two takeout bags with the logos on them. Get your money’s worth, Privé.
This weird Toke Makinwa product placement.
What even was this? This isn’t just a regular cameo because the characters acknowledge that she, in the show’s universe, is Toke Makinwa and then have a quick conversation about how no one should question how she makes a living because it’s none of their business. The first and only case of human product placement I’ve ever seen.
The scene where Zuri (Osas Ighodaro) talks to her account manager on the phone.
Like a radio jingle, the account manager pretty much lists out all the features of First Bank’s mobile app in a way that you know is more for the benefit of the audience than it is for the character she’s sharing a scene with. They even throw in a scroll screen of First Bank’s website.
The monologue was enough though.
The scene where Zuri and Tami are on a phone call doing their makeup.
In this scene, Zuri is sitting in front of her mirror, about to do her makeup. There’s a House of Tara makeup bag set up in front of her in a way that the audience can see it properly. She gets a call from Tami and when the camera cuts to Tami, Tami is getting her makeup done by a House of Tara makeup artist, wearing a House of Tara t-shirt.
This is product placement inception.
This one for Chloe’s Gourmet Popcorn.
You know what? This worked on me. I now want to eat this popcorn.
This scene.
Yay, Green Apron.
The scene where Zuri and Tami do skincare.
In this scene, Zuri and Tami are seated on the ground in front of a coffee table and Zuri just starts serving YouTube skincare influencer realness out of nowhere by talking about all the YouSkin products in front of them. The look Tami has on her face through all this mirrored mine.
“Girl, what is this?”
This scene where two characters just pause proceedings to discuss Business Day newspaper.
Shakespeare had nothing on this sponsored monologue.
Another one for First Bank.
This one for Polo Avenue.
Do people just sit around discussing how great a boutique is?
I’m not saying filmmakers shouldn’t do product placement oh. This movie business is expensive and I support getting your cash any way you can. But can you guys be subtle about it? Just a little bit? Please??
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will. be reviewing super chaotic Nigerian magazine covers.
Like all other aspects of Nigerian entertainment, magazine covers have gotten better over the last two decades. Sure, there’s still room for improvement, but we’ve come such a long way from when the best we could get was the covers for Hints magazine that looked like they were made in Microsoft Paint.
99% of the things reported in this magazine were lies but we still ate it up anyway because it was juicy as hell.
Yes, magazine covers have improved. But once in a while, a cover will pop up that’ll make you scratch your head in confusion and wonder if you slept and woke up in the early 2000s, back when the super chaotic cover style of City People was the norm.
Olajumoke for House of Maliq
When Olajumoke blew up, brands and fashion houses couldn’t get enough of her. She was stunning and they used her beauty to create beautiful art. That all changed when House of Maliq got their hands on her. For their April 2017 issue, they dressed Olajumoke in a pair of trousers that looked like they were made of Big Foot’s skin, a blouse reminiscent of Pennywise’s in “It”, and what I’m sure is a Golden Girls Halloween wig.
The cast of KOB 2 for This Day Style
This Day Style got Kemi Adetiba and a few members of the KOB 2 cast for a photo shoot just after the series was released. There are other spreads from this photoshoot where they’re dressed normally and look really good. But you see this one above? This is the one they used as the main cover, which is insane because they all look like they’re dressed for wildly different occasions.
Sola Sobowale is dressed like discount Marie Antoinette.
Nse Ikpe-Etim is dressed like Fiona from Shrek in a Pennywise clown wig.
Deyemi Okanlawon is dressed like nigga Shakespeare.
Kemi Adetiba is dressed like a pastor’s wife who moonlights as a bullfighter.
Illbliss is dressed like a 1950s drug lord.
Chioma Chuwkwuka Apotha for House of Maliq
They really did my homegirl dirty by putting her in a green poncho, a headgear made of vegetables, and then told her to pose like one of the toys in “Toy Story” whenever a human comes into Andy’s room. What was the theme here? Did the stylist hate their job, Chioma, or both? I guess we’ll never know.
Mercy and Ike for Media Room Hub
There’s too much going on here. I don’t know why but it bugs me that Mercy is barefoot. Then there’s Ike, who I’m very sure the stylist looked at and thought, “I’m going to fuck this nigga up” because what is going on with his hair? This one was even funnier because they clearly copied Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s cover for GQ, executed it poorly and got dragged for it.
Oge Okoye for House of Maliq
I’m guessing they couldn’t figure out a dress for her so they just stuck her in a giant duvet and called it a day? Yes. That’s definitely what happened. She did the best she could with what she was given sha and served “sultry bedroom goddess realness” so she does deserve props for that.
Kaffy for House of Maliq
These people need to be stopped at this point because what is this, and why is she holding a chicken? What was the concept for this? WHY??
Iheoma Nnadi for House of Maliq
This looks like a very Nigerian pre-wedding photoshoot gone wrong. Iheoma deserved better than this.
Tana Adelana for House of Maliq
I wonder if the person who came up with the concept for this genuinely believed they could start an apple necklace trend. I wonder if Tana felt silly doing this. I wonder who took a bite of that apple. Did they make Tana take a bite? Even worse, did they make someone else take a bit when it was already around her neck? What is that wig? I wonder…
Tania Omotoya for House of Maliq
The people at House of Maliq have to be trolling us at this point because IS THAT A FUCKING COCKROACH?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!
Whatever the fuck is going on here for House of Maliq
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Nigerian music videos are…somehow. They’ve always been somehow. And over the years, they’ve just evolved into a different kind of somehow-ness. For that reason, I’ve always wanted to include them in the “So You Don’t Have To” series, and this year, I actually did.
Here are 5 of the funniest “So You Don’t Have To” articles about Nigerian music videos I’ve written this year.
For those who don’t know, Styl Plus is an R&B/Pop group that burst onto the scene in the early 2000s with their hit single, “Olufunmi.”. They were so hot at the time that all they had to do was stand on a stage and sing and people everywhere would violently cream their jeans. In 2003, they released a song titled “Call My Name” or as I like to call it, “A Tale Of How A Bunch Of Guys Creep Out A Girl In A Restaurant Just Because She’s Sitting By Herself.” The song is an eternal bop but when you pointlessly dissect it like I’m about to, the storyline is kinda weird.
Daddy Showkey (Real name: John Asiemo) is a Nigerian singer. Super famous in the 1990s, he’s a veteran performer whose style of music helped popularise the dance, Galala— or as I like to call it: That one dance that makes you look like a Victorian-era child battling cholera and polio at the same time. In 1996, he released the smash hit titled “Dyna.” The story is straightforward and cliché. It’s about a woman stripper-ly named Dyna and chronicles all the shit she puts up with trying to get pregnant. The unintentional comedy here comes from the way the events play out in the music video.
For those who don’t know, Senorita was P-Square’s first single off their debut album titled, “Last Night.” It was a smash hit and immediately catapulted them to stardom. The song is about one (or both) of the brothers mourning the death of a woman he (they?) loved.
To quote the iconic Saturday Night Live character, Stefon, the 5 minute and 28-second music video for “Senorita” has everything:
A love triangle.
Insane early 2000s fashion.
A dance break in the middle of the street.
A weird celebrity cameo you won’t see coming.
A grass to grace story with details shrouded in mystery.
A beautiful, gold-digging young woman named Vivian.
A poorly-filmed accident scene that’ll have you screaming, “How the fuck did that happen?!”
This song was everywhere. As a human living in Nigeria in the late 90s, you couldn’t avoid the song or its music video. I heard about it for the first time in Sunday school where the teacher told the class — full of children less than 10 years old — that if we listened to this song or any others like it, we were condemning ourselves to an eternity of hot girl summer in hell, right next to other people who sang secular songs, like Fela and Michael Jackson (which is insane because it would be another 12 years before Michael Jackson died). But we’re not here today to talk about my Christianity-inspired childhood trauma. We’re here to talk about the music video for “Love Me Jeje.” I wrote about the music video’s plot a while back but I will be expanding on that today.
Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until 2017 when they had a fight and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the music video for Resonance’s “Judgement Day.”
Get a load of this album cover. Things were so simple back in the early 2000s.
Resonance was a Nigerian gospel music duo that consisted of a woman named Estar and a man named Gucheano. They sang in a mix of Igbo and English, bursting onto the music scene in 2006 and blowing minds around the country with their debut album, “Chinwe Ike.” The album was super popular and people would not shut up about it. People would go about loudly playing/singing the album’s singles “Lee Lee” and “Chinwe Ike,” which, regardless of how I’m describing it, is a good thing.
The duo eventually split to work on solo projects, but like many musical duos (e.g. P-Square), the things they worked on individually never achieved the popularity or critical claim of their first and only joint body of work. Resonance’s music was amazing but their music videos on the other hand were unintentionally hilarious, due to their low budgets and them being products of their time. So I’ve brought you all here today to make fun of them. Well, not all of them. Just one. The end-time anthem, “Judgement Day.”
The video starts with the hauntingly beautiful voice of a woman doing operatic runs while a rather harsh end-time message is shown onscreen:
Estar appears onscreen for the first time. She’s dressed in a nun’s habit and, in a weird cartoony cowboy accent, repeats the exact same message that was just displayed a few seconds ago.
When she finishes, the main song starts. Estar and her reverend sister backup dancers serve Sister’s Act 1 realness. with their choreography. It’s basic but adorable and I love it.
Gucheano (LMAO I can not take this name seriously) shows up dressed as a priest to rap the first verse. I feel horrible for admitting this but all these costumes made my mind go straight to porn parodies. Anyway, he starts rapping about how humans need to stop sinning because Jesus is coming soon and is going to be pissed as hell if he finds everyone stealing, killing, and fornicating. The lyrics are fine but his flow is giving early 2000s Eedris Abdulkareem (i.e. sounding hella cringe because he’s trying and failing to sound American).
While he’s rapping, Estar and her reverend sister backup dancers don’t have anything to do so they just sway in the background.
The second verse is where things take a turn a turn for the truly chaotic by going into church drama mode. Gucheano is chilling in his living room when he gets a phone call…
…from SATAN.
Satan is fabulously dressed in a black and red cloak, a 90s T-Boz wig, and enough eyeliner to put Boy George to shame. Even funnier than Satan’s outfit is what is happening behind him. The sight of him casually making a phone call while the souls of the damned writhe in pain behind him due to hellfire is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.
Satan offers Gucheano a shit ton of money in exchange for his soul but Gucheano says:
This pisses Satan off so much that he appears in Gucheano’s living room and is like:
Satan conjures dollars out of thin to further tempt Gucheano, and when that doesn’t work, throws fame into the mix.
Gucheano reads Satan for filth and tells him to get out because his soul belongs to Master Jesus. Realising that this deal will never click, Satan rolls his eyes and is like:
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2002 Nollywood movie, “Sharon Stone.”
That tagline is killing me.
Back in the early 2000s, I imagine that a Nollywood producer saw the Hollywood movie “Basic Instinct” starring Sharon Stone and said, “You know what would make a lot of money? A Nigerian movie based on the notoriety Sharon Stone gained for her role in ‘Basic Instinct.’ The main character’s name will be Sharon, and even though her last name won’t be Stone, I’ll name the movie ‘Sharon Stone.’ What does the real Sharon Stone want to do? Sue me?Someone get Genevieve on the phone, tell her…”
So here we are 19 years later.
The movie starts with Sharon (Genevieve Nnaji) and her boyfriend, Henry, having a fight. Sharon is leaving his house angrily because he has confronted her with cheating allegations.
Henry decides that he doesn’t want to put up with Sharon’s shit anymore so he drives her home and breaks up with her, asking her to return all the things he’s bought her. In retaliation, Sharon tosses all his things on the road and very loudly calls him poor.
Sharon’s best friend and housemate, Kate (Steph-Nora Okere), hears the noise and comes out to find out what the fuck is going on. Sharon complains that she broke up with Henry because he accused her of cheating. When Kate points out that Sharon has indeed been cheating, Sharon admits but says Henry definitely has no proof because she covers her cheating tracks well. Kate is just like:
Even though Sharon has a steady boyfriend in school named Dallas (Emeka Eyiocha), she’s also bumping genitals with a rich older man named Chief Uche (Peter Bruno). One day while she’s hanging out with Dallas in front of her house…
…when Chief Uche shows up, forcing Sharon to think on her feet.
And when Chief Uche asks who the guy she was hanging out with is, she says:
Chief Uche is like:
But he ultimately buys her story. While Sharon is busy juggling men, her friend, Kate, is being cheated on. Kate goes to visit her boyfriend, Kalu and finds him in bed with another woman.
Kate returns home crying, and when Sharon finds out what has happened, she does this”
Then she explains why she operates the way she does:
Sharon gets word that the brother of an old secondary schoolmate named Tony (Kunle Coker) is now a Colonel in the army and is doing pretty well for himself so she decides to add a third man to her roster and sets her sights on him. She goes to visit the old secondary school friend and uses that as an excuse to get close to Tony.
Her plan works and not long after, they’re at a restaurant doing this:
Sharon’s exploits reach a fever pitch when she’s forced to have sex with all three of her boyfriends in one day just to keep them from finding out about each other. To avoid the boyfriends clashing, she later starts a fight with Dallas so he won’t come for her birthday party and convinces Chief Uche to travel out of the country so only Tony will attend.
Dallas eventually finds out that Sharon has been playing him and goes to her house to yell at her. Sharon attempts to shout her way out of the situation, and when that doesn’t work because Dallas is super pissed, she locks herself inside the house and calls Chief Uche to come with the police, claiming that the president of her department (a call back to her earlier lie) is trying to rape her.
This is where things become truly chaotic.
Chief Uche puts Dallas in prison for days and refuses to let him go. Sharon worries that if Dallas dies there, his blood will be on her hands. So she goes to Tony (who is a colonel in the army) and claims that Dallas is her cousin who is being detained illegally by a man (Chief Uche) trying to steal Dallas’ wife. Tony sends some soldiers to bring Chief Uche to the barracks to be beaten. During the interrogation, both Tony and Chief Uche find out that they’ve been bamboozled.
They bring Dallas in together and they all put the pieces together. They hatch a plan to screw Sharon over. Tony meets with Sharon and says he forgives her, asking for her hand in marriage so they can fly to the United States and live happily ever after. Sharon sees this as an opportunity to avoid all the other men she’s deceived so she says yes.
Fast forward to the wedding and Tony never shows up at the church. Sharon goes to his house to find out what has happened and she meets Tony, Dallas, and Chief Uche drinking beer and playing Checkers. They all turn to look at her, decked in her incredibly early 2000s wedding dress and do this:
Sharon can’t stand the humiliation and passes out. The men don’t even bother to check if she’s ok. They just go back to playing their game.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the first episode of the second season of “Assistant Madams.”
This obviously haphazardly put together poster is making me lose my mind.
“Assistant Madams” premiered on RedTv’s YouTube channel on the 15th of January 2020. The first season follows the lives of three hustling ladies, played Sophie Alakija, Osas Ighodaro, and Tana Egbo-Adelana, who are hell-bent on living their best lives at any cost, one married man at a time. Even though the plot wasn’t groundbreaking, it sounded fun, everyone flocked to watch it.
Just finished the first episode of Assistant Madams, and it’s magnificent. I’ve never seen a show get EVERYTHING wrong quite like this. A masterclass in making garbage.
The entire first season was critically panned so I assumed that would be the end. Well, file this one under life proving to me that I know nothing because the second season just premiered. I decided to see if the show had gotten better by watching the first episode and I’m disappointed to announce that it hasn’t.
It’s somehow gotten worse.
The show starts with Osas Ighodaro (who played the role of Chioma in the first season) giving us the worst voice-over narration I have ever heard. She introduces us to this season’s Assistant Madams, starting with a girl named Lulu (Dillish Matthews). In her first scene, Lulu is shown talking to her mother on the phone. Even though she states in the conversation that it’s super early in the morning and she’s only just woken up, she’s wearing a Diana Ross wig and her face is BEAT FOR THE GODS.
Things take a turn for the disgustingly horrifying when the call ends and it’s revealed that the entire time she’s been on the phone, her boyfriend named Priye (Mawuli Gavor) has been violently eating her hairy snail.
Next, we’re introduced to Cassie (Cee C), who is saddled with a fuck buddy named Tochi (Eso Dike). In her first scene, she’s just finished a genital meet & greet with Tochi and is trying to take a nap (with a full face of makeup and wig) when she opens her eyes to find him taking pictures of her. Cassie is understandably creeped out by this and is like:
It’s revealed, through exposition-laden dialogue, that they used to date but Cassie broke up with him six months and three weeks prior to the start of the series for being a clingy creep. Yes, six months and three weeks. I wasn’t joking when I said their interaction was exposition-heavy. He’s so much of a creep that when she storms off angrily, he sniffs her underwear and then takes a picture with it.
The next Assistant Madam is Amira (Salma Mumin). She’s a digital media consultant who has decided to supplement her income by dating a rich man named Chief Adeniyi (Femi Branch). Here’s what’s happening the first time we see them:
We’re later introduced to Demide (Demola Adedoyin), Chief Adeniyi’s son and Amira’s former best friend. Demide despises Amira for dating his father and never tries to hide it.
We’re shown the series’ opening sequence and it’s just a minute-long clip of the cast twirling and smiling in a poorly lit studio while their names pop up on the screen in an illegible font that looks like it was written by a stressed-out chicken. I dare you to decipher what this says without googling.
It doesn’t count if you already knew the actress’ name.
We get back to the show and it’s the morning of Lulu’s birthday. Priye gives her a diamond necklace as a birthday present, which she loves but angrily tosses in his face, saying that what she really wants for her birthday is for him to make their relationship official. Priye sweet-talks his way out of having the conversation by sucking on her lips.
Unsurprisingly, all the Assistant Madams are friends and gather for Lulu’s birthday party i.e the most unconvincingly staged party ever put on film. It’s strange because unlike a lot of Nollywood productions, the extras at this party did an amazing job. It was just weirdly filmed. Anyway, we find out at this party that Lulu’s boyfriend, Priye, is the husband of her best friend, Nana (Joselyn Dumas). Priye comes to pick Nana up from the party and he and Lulu pretend not to know each other.
Cassie is having a drink by herself at Mykonos On The Roof (come through, paid partnership!) when Tochi shows up acting normal but quickly devolves into his trademark creepiness. A guy named Osaze (Timini Egbuson) comes to her rescue and they have a flirtatious conversation that’s really only in the script to pad out the episode’s run time.
Lulu goes over to Nana’s house for a special birthday dinner where this happens:
We cut to Amira and Demide. Chief Adeniyi has given Amira a digital advertising gig for his company and she has to work with Demide on it because he’s the company’s General Manager. After a short conversation where Demide acknowledges that he misses the friendship they had before Amira started bumping genitals with his father, they start having sex and the episode ends.
There you have it, folks. If you were intrigued by this episode and you want to see more, go watch the rest yourself because I am done.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, “Full Moon.”
Long before Fox gave us the first X-Men movie, Chico Ejiro gave us “Full Moon,” a movie about a discount mutant named Lucy ( Regina Askia), who gets her powers from the full moon…because she was born under a full moon.
The movie’s opening scene is set at night and I can’t see anything because the lighting is poor as shit. I have to strain my eyes and go by sounds, and from what I can gather, a man named James and his heavily pregnant wife, Edna, are chilling in their mud house in the village when three men attack them. Edna sees James get overpowered and is like:
She jumps out of the window and tries to run but goes into stress-induced labour. Out of nowhere, a full moon that looks suspiciously like a torchlight held behind a white table cloth shows up and shines inappropriately bright rays on her as she’s screaming in pain.
Edna’s neighbour and sister-in-law, Julie (Dolly Unachukwu), hears her screaming and goes to see wetin dey sup. Julie finds Edna, kneels right next to her, and asks a very stupid question:
Girl, can’t you see she’s having a baby by herself in the middle of the bush??
Edna gives birth to a baby girl and dies, but not before she asks Julie to raise the child as her own. As soon as this happens, I’m like, “What kind of gbese is this??!” Julie is a better person that me sha because she agrees and takes the baby home to her husband, P.J (Sola Fosudo). They decide to keep her and name her Lucy. James’ brothers, Uncle (Pete Edochie), Tony (Peter Bruno), and Daniel (Kanayo O Kanayo), show up at P.J and Julie’s house to say they’ve heard the news of James and Edna’s deaths. When Julie says they should investigate (because they’re in positions of power in the village), Uncle says no. This is his reason:
And I’m like, “Negative attention from who?!”
It’s revealed after this that all the brothers jointly own an oil-rich plot of land in the village, which all of them, except James, want to sell. After James’ burial, the others sell the land to a white man and cash out. It’s also revealed that they orchestrated James’ murder so they could sell the land.
10 years later, Lucy is asleep in her room when the full moon shows face and is like:
How the moon was shining so bright in a room with no windows will forever be a mystery.
Lucy goes outside and this happens:
I take this to mean that her mutant powers have been activated, and I’m proven right in the next scene. Julie is bringing Lucy a plate of soup when she trips and falls. This causes Lucy to go into discount Jean Grey mode by suspending the plate of soup in the air, leaving Julie to fall flat on her ass.
Julie is fucking terrified so she does what old Nollywood mothers do when their child exhibits any strange behaviour. She takes Lucy for deliverance.
After the prayer, the pastor asks Lucy if she saw or felt anything during the prayer. Lucy says nothing but stares at him in a way that feels like she wants to say:
The pastor realises that there’s nothing he can do so he sends them home, convincing Julie that Lucy has been healed.
15 years later, P.J and Julie are now super rich and live in a big house that looks like it was decorated by a 53-year old Igbo man. On Lucy’s 25th birthday, they buy her a car, and she’s so excited, she ditches her birthday party to go on a joy ride with her friend. When they get back to Lucy’s house, they’re attacked at the gate by knife-wielding men who attempt to rape them in the middle of the street. At that moment, the full moon shows up and is like:
Then this happens:
The entire time the guy was being roasted, I was screaming, “Fuck him up, sis! UP FEMCO!!!”
We find out that Julie and P.J are having marital problems caused by P.J’s refusal to stop sexing up his secretary. When Julie confronts him, he says he’s eating hairy snails outside their home because she never had a child for him. When Julie says they have Lucy, P.J says:
What neither one of them knows is that Lucy is eavesdropping on their conversation.
After finding out she’s adopted, she demands to know who her real parents are and what happened to them. When she gets all the tea from Julie, she gets angry and kills Tony (one of the men who orchestrated her parents’ death) by zapping him out of existence!
Wanda Maximoff is SHAKING!
Lucy goes to Julie and says…
…and Julie convinces her that everything will be ok. But that’s not true. Because after that, someone starts trying to kill Lucy. The person locks her in the bathroom and pumps it full of smoke in an attempt to serve Nazi gas chamber realness. The next attempt happens when Lucy is driving down a lonely road at night and a bus blocks her car. Instead of her to reverse and drive in the other direction, she gets down from her car and starts running down the street.
Before Bryce Dallas Howard ran from a T-Rex in pump heels in “Jurassic World,” Regina Askia ran from a danfo in chunky heels in “Full Moon.”
Lucy goes to kill Greg, another one of her parents’ murderers, by turning him into chalk (?) I don’t know. Look at this:
After Greg’s death, the rest of the brothers realise that someone is picking them off one by one. So they go to a Babalawo dressed in the Nigerian flag and he reveals why they’re being killed and who’s doing it.
Lucy, who has no idea that her uncles now know she’s the killer, is chilling in her living room when gun men break into the house and kidnap her. She later finds out that P.J is behind the kidnapping, and when she calls him daddy, he’s like:
He reveals that he’s the one who’s been trying to kill her. He then orders the kidnappers to kill her and dump her body in a lagoon. However, the moon comes through for Lucy and she sets all of them on fire. P.J goes to a mysterious island to find out how he can successfully kill Lucy. On his way to see the “wise one,” he encounters the weirdest shit. Like a giant snake that was obviously cut out of a Nat Geo wild documentary:
And a cannibal forest tribe, who sacrifice a girl to their god: A giant brown chicken.
The wise one tells him that because he and his brothers brought this on themselves, they need
to ask for Lucy’s forgiveness. P.J hears this and promises to follow the wise one’s instructions but gets home and decides to shoot Lucy in the head instead.
Typical of a Nigerian parent. They’d rather die/commit murder than apologise to their kid.
He decides not to shoot because he doesn’t want her blood to mess up his expensive floors. Julie tries to intervene but he threatens to shoot her too. Julie knocks P.J over the head with a chair (WWE style) and she and Lucy run outside. P.J follows them and is about to shoot when the moon (who’s a fucking character and deus ex machina at this point) shows face again. Lucy harnesses the moon’s power and turns P.J into a pillar of salt.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2020 remake of the Nollywood movie, “Nneka the Pretty Serpent.”
Brooke Lynn Hytes wore this exact same outfit in the Drag Race season 11 finale for her lipsynch against Silky. If you don’t know what to do with that information, neither do I.
The makers of this iteration of “Nneka the Pretty Serpent” tried to solve the problem of the original movie (not having an actual plot) by giving a reason for Nneka’s murder spree. But due to the unintentionally hilarious execution and unnecessarily complex backstory, it doesn’t quite work and is confusing as hell.
The movie starts with little Nneka celebrating her birthday. While her father is fetching the cake, her mother tells her a story:
This is eventually revealed to be part of the movie’s backstory, which is fine. However, the story doesn’t have enough details and the writers never bother to explain more as the movie goes on. So this is where the confusion starts
Before Nnneka can even blow out her candles, a group of people that aren’t shown onscreen attack their home. Nneka’s parents seemingly know who the attackers are and help her escape through a back door. But she doesn’t run away immediately and stays back to watch the attackers murder her parents with a sword. As all this is happening, I can’t help but notice how similar this is to the 200 versions of Bruce & Martha Wayne’s death scene that DC has shown us over the years. I’m also super distracted by the child actor’s inability to properly look sad.
We then cut to a scene of a cult performing a ritual. After chanting some incantato, they set a coffin on fire and push it into the ocean. The movie’s title card pops up and we get a time jump. Nneka (Idia Aisien) is all grown up and fine as hell. She’s also broke as shit, living in a tiny apartment where her landlord hounds her everyday because she’s owing rent…
…and works as a waitress at a restaurant with a boss who hates her. In the boss’ defense, it’s established that Nneka is a pretty terrible employee so his hatred is justified. The only good thing Nneka has going for her is her friendship with her coworker named Ada (Bimbo Ademoye) and her short flirt sessions with one of the restaurant’s recurring patrons named Tony (Kenneth Okolie).
Nneka is plagued with visions and bad dreams about her parents getting killed in front of her. She has one of these visions in the restaurant one day and mistakenly throws a bowl of water at a patron, causing her boss to fire her. On her way home (which involves walking through a beach for some reason), she hears the ocean calling out to her, so she dives in and immediately gets possessed by a snake.
In a scene taken out of the movie, “The Terminator,” she returns to the shore butt-ass naked and walks up to a couple having a picnic, killing them both so she can take their clothes.
We never find out what happened to the clothes she was wearing when she jumped in.
When Nneka gets home, Queen Mother (played by the original Nneka the Pretty Serpent, Ndidi Obi) appears in a mirror and starts talking about how she used to be the queen of a kingdom until she was betrayed, had her powers stolen, killed, and cursed in death. Nneka is understandably freaked out and is like:
Queen Mother explains that she’s here to help Nneka get revenge against the people who killed her parents. She reveals that Nneka’s mother was a member of Queen Mother’s kingdom and that the people who killed her (the cult that we see pushing a burning coffin into the ocean in the opening scene) also killed Nneka’s parents. Nneka is about that revenge life so she agrees, working with Queen Mother to hunt down the members of the cult. But first, Nneka and Queen Mother link up in a spiritual realm that looks suspiciously like the ancestral plane from Black Panther.
The six members of the cult are now a business collective known as The Island Project. The first person Nneka goes after is man named Udoka (played by Larry Gaaga, whose music is littered all over the movie as soundtracks). She seduces him at a bar with the promise of car sex. When they get to the car, she grows fangs like a serpent (get it? lol) and kills him.
After killing Udoka, Nneka flees the scene with a duffle bag of full of dollars he had in his car. She uses it to level up, buying the restaurant she used to work out (firing her old boss) and starts a real estate business.
Obvious fake money is obvious.
The next member of the Island Project Nneka goes after is a woman named Fatima (Shaffy Bello). Nneka corners Fatima in a public bathroom and bashes her head in with the wall.
Nneka finds time inbetween her murderous rampage to chase man. She and Tony start getting closer until she finds wedding pictures starring him and another woman. She bails on him in the middle of their date and gets attacked by her former boss, who is furious that she bought the restaurant and fired him. Already pissed from the Tony thing, she promptly snaps his neck and keeps it moving.
Up next on the list is a man named Tega (Keppy Ekpenyong). Instead of using one of her powers, Nneka breaks into his house instead like a discount Black Widow and tries to kill him with her bare hands. Unknown to her, Tega has figured out the pattern of deaths and has spiritually fortified himself for what’s coming. What comes next is a poorly-lit fight scene where Tega beats the shit out of Nneka, throwing something in her face that gives her spiritual apollo.
Nneka runs away and goes after someone else on the list. A woman named Chinonye (Chioma Chukwuka). Nneka tracks her down to a night club and throws her from VIP down to regular.
Nneka goes after the fourth member of the Island Collective, a man named Alhaji Abdullahi (Sani Mu’azu). She poses as a flight attendant on his private jet and poisons his champagne.
She makes a second attempt on Tega’s life by disguising herself as a janitor at his office. When she makes sure he’s alone, she knocks him down and rips out his intestines.
Also this:
A detective (seriously played by Bovi) who’s been trying to track down the killer figures out that it’s Nneka and goes to her house by himself to confront her. She beats the living daylight out of him and kills him too. I don’t know why but this is the funniest fight scene I’ve ever seen.
Looks like Nneka went to The Vampire Diaries School of Killing People because what is with all this neck-snapping?
The last living member of the Island Collective is named Anthony (Zack Orji), a pastor Nneka later finds out is Tony’s father. He quit the cult years ago to join the church. She’s initially reluctant to kill him because of her love for Tony but eventually decides to do it. Pastor Anthony paralyses Nneka with church incense and casts the spirit of Queen Mother out of her.
Pastor Anthony reveals that Queen Mother has been deceiving Nneka this entire time, explaining that it was actually her that killed Nneka’s parents because she knew the next Queen Mother (Nneka) would come from their lineage, and she wasn’t ready to relinquish power. The members of the Island Project were really members of the kingdom but had nothing to do with Nneka’s parents’ deaths. All they did was kill Queen Mother so they could use her powers for themselves. Pastor Anthony then stabs himself in the stomach for no reason and dies.
A lot happens from here. Queen Mother slaps Nneka across the face multiple times when Nneka tries to confront her. She’s also fucking furious that Nneka didn’t kill Pastor Anthony herself because it means the power she wants back is still in his bloodline (i.e Tony). Queen Mother insists that Nneka kill Tony and Nneka says no. So to prove that she’s not fucking around, Queen Mother burns down Nneka’s restaurant with her best friend inside, threatening to kill everyone Nneka loves if she doesn’t do the needful. Nneka knocks Tony out and takes him to a beach to kill him but changes her mind after a struggle for control with Queen Mother, convincing him to stab her with a crucifix instead. She seemingly dies and while she’s in limbo (?), she sees her mother, who says:
Nneka is distraught that she’s killed so many people and will never get the chance to make things right because she’s now dead. The movie pulls a Harry Potter and explains that the crucifix killed only Queen Mother and that Nneka gets to keep living. Nneka wakes up to find Tony stressed out because he has no idea what the fuck is happening. She explains nothing to him and they go on to live happily ever after.
Ramsey Nouah shows up at the end as his character from “Living in Bondage 2,” Richard Williams, and is like:
2020’s “Nneka the Pretty Serpent” suffers from not having a well-fleshed backstory, leaving the viewers with not enough information to keep up with the chaotic plot. It’s a shame, really. Because under all that chaos is a movie that could’ve been really good.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the music video for Peter Okoye’s song, “Look Into My Eyes.”
If you’re wondering he’s serving Nneka the Pretty Serpent with his eyes, keep reading. You’re in for a treat.
Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until 2017 when they had a fight and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.
The video starts with the following message:
If this seems familiar, it’s because it’s a slightly altered version of the message that’s displayed before the music video for Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”
Peter and a group of backup dancers are shown standing in the middle of nowhere dressed in masks like discount Mortal Kombat characters.
They suddenly jump in the air with varying energy levels…
…and the title card flashes onscreen in the same font as the title card for the “Thriller” music video.
At this point, I’d prepared myself for a shot-for-shot remake.
The song starts and the video cuts to a white mansion with an insane number of water fountains all over the compound. The house looks super familiar so I pause the video to remember where I’ve seen it before. After a few seconds, it comes to me. It’s the same house that the extravagant all-white party in “Living In Bondage 2“ takes place. Check it:
If you think I’m yarning nonsense, go watch LIB 2 on Netflix and skip to the 40th-minute mark.
We’re introduced to the occupants of the house; Nollywood actor, Mike Ezuruonye, and his girlfriend, whose real name I don’t know because I couldn’t find it. She’s packing his clothes into a box because he’s going on a trip.
As Mike Ezuruonye and Baby Oku (that’s what I’m calling her from now on) are smooching over a half-packed box, Peter and his backup dancers show up at the house, and the gate just kinda opens by itself for them. This makes me feel bad for Mike Ezuruonye and Baby Oku because you just know they spent a shit ton of money on security for their mansion only to end up getting murdered by extras from the third “The Purge” movie.
They walk around the compound REALLY SLOWLY while peter sings the first verse. It’s at this point that I realise that the song has nothing to do with the video. Here’s the first verse and the chorus:
While Peter and the backup dancers are sightseeing around the compound, Mike Ezuruonye and Baby Oku finish packing and head downstairs. Mike Ezuruonye gets into the car, bids farewell to Baby Oku, and is driven off (through them) but somehow doesn’t see Peter and his backup dancers.
Peter and his backup dancers see that Baby Oku is home alone and they perform some Michael Jackson choreography in celebration.
They go into the house and head upstairs to where Baby Oku is. Then they’re suddenly outside again because it’s time for yet another dance break.
The Jackson family needs to sue at the point cause chile…
Baby Oku is on the phone with Mike Ezuruonye and is attempting to send him a sexy selfie when she notices Peter and the backup dancers for the first time.
Baby Oku tells Mike Ezuruonye to hurry back home because there are murderous backup dancers in the house, so he’s like:
Like every character in every horror movie ever, Baby Oku trips over her own feet and falls over. She gets up and locks herself in her big-ass closet thinking she’s safe but then Peter and the backup dancers teleport into the room. And it’s like, where has this ability been this entire time? Why did they spend all that time walking into the compound and into the house?
Anyway, Peter and his backup dancers reach to grab Baby Oku when it’s revealed that all this has been the nightmare of some random girl.
We find out that the girl is Peter’s girlfriend (lol wot??) and she says, “I JUST SAW YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS IN MY DREAM!” He assures her that it’s just a dream and he hugs her. Then this happens:
And the video ends, but not before we’re threatened with text on the screen that says, “To be continued.”
I just know Michael Jackson is stressed as hell wherever he is.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the lowkey horror short film that is Styl-Plus’ 2006 hit, “Iya Basira.”
For those who don’t know Styl Plus or those who didn’t my recap of the music video for their song, ‘Call My Name,’Styl Plus is a Nigeria R&B/Pop group that burst onto the scene in the early 2000s with their hit single, ‘Olufunmi.‘ They were so hot at the time that all they had to do was stand on a stage and sing and people everywhere would violently cream their jeans. Even though they mostly sang love songs, their debut album, ‘Expressions.’ featured a track titled “Iya Basira.”
On the surface, ‘Iya Basira’ is a funny story about a woman who runs a buka with food so good, it brings all the boys to the yard and makes them go loco. But a deeper look at the storyline reveals that under all that comedy and light-heartedness is something sinister.
When you think about it well, Iya Basira is a horror movie.
The video starts with all three members of Styl Plus eating in a buka. In the background, the sound of the buka’s other patrons trying to buy food can be heard. The sets in the video are hand-drawn, giving the entire video the look and feel of a comic book come to life. I’m not sure if this was an intentional design choice or if it was born out of a lack of funds. Either way, I love it because It adds to the video’s camp.
I just got into RuPaul’s Drag Race so I’ve been using the word “camp” every chance I get.
We’re introduced to the eponymous character. She’s shown cooking a shit ton of food by herself — she has no staff — and smiling, which implies that she actually enjoys cooking. In my opinion, this should’ve been the first red flag because no actual human enjoys cooking. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar and a dirty bitch who lives a fake life.
A random guy gets the story going by describing Iya Basira’s buka and how sweet her food is. He says a lot of people think she’s lacing her food with jazz but can’t stop (won’t stop) patronising her because her food is so damn good. Iya Basira is shown onscreen again, and this time, she has a look on her face that seemingly says:
The boys show up and sing the chorus in costumes that are random as hell.
People, people make una come o Iya Basira e don jazz me o, ooo Everybody help save me o I no dey sabi chop ati my mother or my girlfriend’s place
Simply put:
Shiffi sings the first verse. He’s in a straitjacket, locked up in a padded cell, and is telling a policeman the story of how he ended up there. He says his problems started the day he went to visit his friend, Sunday. Sunday was high as shit that day but his younger brother was sober and offered to take Shiffi on a stroll. I assume they were already friendly because Shiffi goes with him and they end up at Iya Basira’s buka.
Only after eating four rounds of food did Shiffi realise that something was terribly wrong. It was too late, though. The damage had already been done.
In the second verse, Zeal says he’s also hooked on Iya Basira’s food, adding that he’s now so broke from eating there all the time that he has to steal from his roommate to fund his new addiction. Here’s a shot of Zeal going to steal from his roommate:
He talks about how he was supposed to take his girlfriend to Oceanview for her birthday but was jonesing so hard for Iya Basira’s amala that he drove past his girlfriend’s house and went to get some. It’s revealed at the end of the verse that he has also been committed to psychiatric care due to his addiction Iya Basira’s food.
The last verse is sung by Tunde and in it, he begs a police officer to go arrest Iya Basira because he believes she’s jazzing people with her vagina water. The policeman goes to interrogate Iya Basira and this is how the conversation goes:
As you’ve probably already guessed, he eats the food and falls under her spell. He says there’s no case and settles in to eat more food. Here’s a shot of Iya Basira giving him nyash while he smiles like a fucking doofus.
The people who hoped the policeman would end Iya Basira’s hold on them (and their bank accounts) are like:
That’s how the song ends, you guys, with even more people waiting to buy Iya Basira’s food…
….and Iya Basira letting the boys know that she fucking owns them now and there’s nothing they can do about it.
It’s never made clear if it’s by magic or science but it’s clear that Iya Basira has figured out mind control. Sure, her aspirations are small right now — she just wants her buka business to do well. But judging by that shot of more people buying her food, it’s only a matter of time before she starts to think big. And when she does:
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2019 Christian romantic comedy, ‘2 Weeks In Lagos.’
Contrary to what this poster says, the love story in this movie is not original, in any way.
‘2 Weeks In Lagos’ starts with Keme (Mawuli Gavor) returning from America with his friend, Charlie. They’re both investment bankers who work on Wall Street and are back to invest in Nigerian businesses.
Sure. That sounds realistic.
Charlie takes Keme to meet his family. As they’re there, about to eat Charlie’s mother’s meat pie (LMAO), Charlie’s sister, Lola (Beverly Naya), walks in. Lola is fine as hell so Keme is immediately sprung.
Keme’s attraction to Lola is clear to everyone in the room, except Lola herself. The next day, while she and her mother are in their garden trimming imaginary shrubs, her mother gives her some advice.
Lola says she’s not looking for a relationship because she wants to focus on God and her career. What follows is a series of scenes meant to let the viewers know that Keme and Lola are good people and super Christians. In one scene, Keme buys a N100 pack of plantain chips in traffic (which he doesn’t even want) and leaves the N900 change for the hawker. Lola goes to get a dress from her tailor when they see a man beating his little daughter because he believes she’s a witch and the cause of all his misfortunes in life.
Read my recap of the movie, End of the Wicked and you’ll understand why.
Lola’s tailor stops the man and takes the little girl to go live with her. The tailor is poor as hell and can’t possibly add another mouth to feed so Lola gives her money. Then there’s a scene where we see Keme and Lola reading Open Heavens Daily Devotional in their homes.
Keme comes over for dinner a few days later and Lola’s mom goes into full matchmaking mode.
Keme and Lola run into each other at a Frozen Yoghurt shop and hang out for a bit. Before they go their separate ways, he asks her out on a date, and even though she’d previously said that she only had time for work and Jesus, she agrees. Things fall apart when Keme finds out that his parents want him to marry the daughter of his father’s political running mate.
Keme respectfully tells his parents that this isn’t the 15th century and they must be mad if they think he’s going to get into an arranged marriage with some hussy they picked out. He says he’s capable of finding a beautiful Christian wife by himself and storms off.
There’s a montage of Keme and Lola going on dates and it makes me realise that the two lead actors have no chemistry whatsoever. Here’s a screenshot of them having a romantic picnic in the park but unintentionally looking like colleagues at a work retreat going through slides for a presentation.
After dating for only two weeks, Keme is like:
And Lola is like:
The fact that this happens just as they’re leaving church makes this even funnier.
Keme invites Lola to meet his parents for the first time at his father’s 60th birthday party. Unbeknown to him, his father has planned to announce the union of his son and the daughter of his political running mate at this same party. The announcement is made and Lola is heartbroken. It gets funnier when Keme’s mother calls her a whore and has security take her off the premises. Keme insists that he’s not marrying the girl they want him to so his mother takes matters into her own hands by HAVING LOLA KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED!
In some stupid way that I don’t have the energy to explain, Lola is found by Keme and it’s revealed that Keme’s parents were behind the kidnap. Keme threatens to ruin his father political ambitions by reporting them to the police and his father promptly points out that he’s a corrupt Nigerian politician who can pay his way out of anything. Lola’s mother shows up to fight Keme’s mother.
For those who don’t know, Shaffy Bello was the female vocalist in Seyi Sodimu’s 1997 hit song, ‘Love Me Jeje.’
Keme tells his mother to stop acting like a fucking Bond villain. Then he says this out of nowhere:
And that’s how the movie ends. Apologies flow around and both families come together in Lola’s hospital room to hug things out.
if it seems like nothing happened in this movie, it’s because nothing did. 80% of ‘2 Weeks In Lagos’ is comprised of filler scenes. The writing and acting are atrocious. NONE of the characters act or talk like real people. And I haven’t seen worse chemistry between two romantic leads since Fifty Shades of Grey. Then there’s the religious stuff they kept forcing into the plot. See, this movie isn’t terrible in a “so bad, it’s good” way, it’s just plain bad, which is the worst kind of bad anything can be. Save yourself (and your data) and skip this.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the 2021 Nollywood adventure movie, ‘Day of Destiny.‘
The movie starts in the year 2020. Bankole and Ifeoma (played by Norbert Young and Iretiola Doyle respectively) are a married couple telling their daughter, Helena, the story of the first time they met 20 years prior at a Democracy day party. This meet-cute is shown to the viewers in a flashback and the characters are played by younger actors.
Even though this flashback takes place in the year 2000, nothing in the scene — costumes or decor — reflects that. Well, young Ifeoma is wearing an afro wig so I guess that counts (?)
“This scene takes place in the past? Throw an afro wig on the female character’s head and keep it moving.” – this movie’s costume designer.
The story is interrupted and it’s revealed that the family is moving out of their house because they’re now poor as shit. The reason for their recent poverty is conveniently shown on their living room TV. I say “conveniently” because the TV legit just turns on by itself, shows a breaking news broadcast, and goes off.
Bankole and Ifeoma are university professors who, along with 45 of their colleagues, have been fired by the governor of Lagos State, Coker Adeniran, for reasons that are never made clear. The movie really wants you to know that Governor Coker is a piece of shit human being and uses this news broadcast to hammer that point.
Not only is Coker in the news for firing 47 lecturers and sexual harassment allegations (peep the headline at the bottom of the screen), it’s also announced that he’s also being interrogated by EFCC for corruption charges. LMAO!
In the next scene, we’re properly introduced to Bankole and Ifeoma’s teenage sons, Chidi (Olumide Oworu) and Rotimi (Denola Grey). Chidi is stubborn and is the family black sheep, while Rotimi is a nerd. You can tell Rotimi is a nerd because he’s wearing a sweater, uses reading glasses, and has asthma.
While loading boxes into the moving truck, Chidi and Rotimi find out that their parents used to be friends with Governor Coker when they discover an old picture of him and their parents at the independence day party from the opening scene. When they’re done packing and are driving to their new house, Chidi asks their parents how they ended up being broke lecturers if they used to be friends with a man who went on to be a governor. Their parents are understandably pissed and a small argument starts. In the middle of this, Chidi reveals that he has dropped out of law school to study music, causing their father to almost crash the car in shock.
They don’t actually hit anything but the car is somehow damaged and they now need a mechanic. After whooping Chidi’s ass…
…but before sending Chidi and Rotimi off to find a mechanic, their mother reveals the reason their father and Governor Coker’s friendship died: Governor Coker wanted their father to do some shady political shit back in the day but their dad said no.
But Chidi is like:
Chidi and Rotimi ask a passerby for directions to the nearest mechanic and he points them to a giant Amityville Horror-looking house. Rotimi is like:
It becomes more apparent when they walk in that this isn’t a mechanic’s shop but some kind of shrine. They meet the shrine’s occupant, a man named Babayaro (Broda Shaggi).
Babayaro tells them that he can change their destiny and Chidi decides to change their family’s destiny so they won’t be poor anymore. Rotimi is against this and just wants to leave but Chidi is stubborn as hell and gives Babayaro N5000 to start the spell. Babayaro casts the spell and tosses them into a CGI cave-like thing that I believe is supposed to be the space-time continuum.
All the people at Industrial Light & Magic were found dead.
Chidi and Rotimi land in the same spot 20 years in the past, causing the man who was in charge of the shrine at the time to hilariously die of a heart attack due to the shock of not knowing what the fuck is going on.
The boys don’t know they’ve time-travelled at this point so they run out of the building. Something is off but they can’t yet tell because they’re still disoriented.
Obvious CGI garden is obvious.
After running as far away from the shrine as they can, the boys end up at a bar/video club and eventually figure out that they’re in the year 2000 when Chidi notices the date in a newspaper. Chidi points out that the day they’re in is the 29th of May 2000 i.e the day their parents met for the first time at the party that their father turned down the shady offer from Governor (then aspiring politician) Coker. He suggests that they go to the party and convince their father to take the deal. They get to the venue of the party with the help of a cab driver named Captain C (Toyin Abraham).
The boys find out that the deal their father turned down was an offer to become Coker’s uncle’s personal lawyer, which would’ve involved hella shady dealings. Chidi notices that their father is still sceptical about the offer so he goes up to his father (claiming to be someone named Adekunle Gold) and is like:
Patting themselves on the back for a job well done, they return to the white house so Babayaro can send them back. They meet a Babayaro who is 20 years younger and inexperienced because his father, Babayaro Snr (the old man who died of a heart attack when the boys first landed in the year 2000), never finished training him in the mystic arts.
They convince him to send them back to 2020 by giving him a cellphone (without the charger so you know it’s going to die at some point) and instructing him on how to go about it based on what they saw future Babayaro do. After a series of comically disastrous tries, it works and they crash land in what looks like a teenage girl’s bedroom in 2020. They think it’s their sister’s room but then, a set of twin girls they don’t know come out of the bathroom and start screaming:
They run into their father on their way out and are relieved to see him but he has no idea who they are. They find out, via the internet, that they’ve inadvertently created an alternate 2020 timeline, in which they don’t exist because their father accepted the shady job offer and never married their mother. They were never born. The resulting fear from their precarious predicament causes the boys to hurl insults at each other.
And then they engage in an unintentionally hilarious fight.
What is going? LMAO
A fight that ends with Rotimi almost dying of an asthma attack.
In an attempt to fix things, they find Babayaro and he informs them that because they were never born in this timeline, they have only a few hours before they fade away from existence. He tells them that no one can change their destiny twice and that the only way to fix things is to find someone else who wants to change their destiny and hijack their spell. So they go find their mother.
In this timeline, their mother is an activist who spends her time protesting against corrupt politicians. She wears a beret everywhere because the movie’s costume designer heard the word “activist” and immediately dressed Iretiola Doyle up as Che Guevara.
She also never married and adopted a baby girl named Helen, who, for some reason, is played by the actress who plays Helena in the original timeline. Their relationship is fucking awful.
Helen storms out of the house after a fight with Activist Ifeoma and is approached by the boys who try to convince her to help them. She initially isn’t interested in hearing about time travel and alternate timelines but stops to listen after Rotimi shows her a picture of the family on his phone. She agrees to help them because “this seems better than going back home to fight with my mom.” And I’m just like, what if the picture was photoshopped and these are kidnappers???
They return to Babayaro, who sends them back to the year 2000, telling them to just let things play out normally so the original timeline can be restored.
So they appear at the party. Chidi is frantic now because Rotimi is starting to fade but Helen doesn’t give a shit, which is wild, seeing as she just discovered time travel for the first time.
Young Ifeoma is sexually harassed by Coker’s creepy uncle (Jide Kosoko) when she goes to collect the donation he promised her for the orphanage she runs. Rotimi starts to lose colour so Chidi decides to speed up events. He gets Young Bankole to go outside while Helen goes to get young Ifeoma. Helen finds Young Ifeoma crying because of her experience with Coker’s uncle and convinces her to go fuck him for being a creep.
A lot happens from here. Chidi convinces Young Bankole to turn down the offer. Young Bankole and Young Ifeoma meet and everything goes as planned. Babayaro sends the boys back to 2020 and the timeline is restored. Except that now, original timeline Helena remembers everything that happened in the other timeline. How? No one knows. Look, this movie stressed me out. I’m done.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, Witches.
Zack Orji and Liz Benson: The dream sugar daddy and sugar mummy combo.
The movie starts at the meeting of a witch coven. A little girl named Princess is laid out on a mat and looks weirdly chill for someone who is surrounded by fire, water, and giant owambe pots she can fit in if the witches decide to cook her.
Before we go on, we need to discuss the witches at this meeting. You can tell that they’re fashionable but broke as hell because they’re rocking potato sack dresses and the cheapest wigs I have ever seen. Here are the witches we’re shown on screen.
Emeka Ani looks like he’s wondering what turn his career took that led to him dressed in a potato sack maternity gown, pearl necklace, and a Diana Ross wig.
As the witches are sashaying about and chanting nonsensical spells, Princess stands up and looks around at all of them like:
From the conversation that takes place, I gather that this Princess is the daughter of one of the coven’s members named Agnes, and she’s being prepared to become the coven’s weapon of mass destruction in their fight against God/heaven. They offer her something to drink in a calabash and she’s like…
…before drinking it and realising that she’s been scammed.
When they’re done with the ritual, Agnes takes Princess into the world to go cause commotion. Their first victim is a guy who Agnes intentionally annoys so she can fuck him up. She parks in front of his gate, preventing him from driving in. When the guy yells at her to move, she says:
And proceeds to do just that. When the guy goes into his house, he’s flogged to death by a floating koboko.
In the next scene, some other child that lives in the same compound as Agnes hits Princess too hard during playtime. Princess vexes and turns the child into a chicken.
Agnes is going about her regular life one day when she runs into a friend. After exchanging pleasantries with the friend, she somehow gets run over by TWO CARS and ONE BUS in the most implausible and chaotic accident scene in the history of film. Check it:
This makes me die laughing because how are you a witch who ends up getting killed in a car accident??
The witches get together to mourn Agnes’ death and transfer all her powers to Princess. Twenty years pass and Princess is now an adult who owns her own boutique. As she’s at work one day, a man named Desmond walks in. It’s established that they’re old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time. Out of nowhere, Desmond asks Princess to marry him. This is insane for three reasons:
They hadn’t seen each other in years.
There was no mention of them ever being romantically involved at any point in their past.
Desmond had no idea he was going to run into her that day. He didn’t know she owned the boutique.
Princess actually considers the proposal because it turns out she has feelings for him. She informs the coven during the next meeting about her plans to say yes to Desmond but they all laugh in her face, telling her this:
Princess gets upset and storms out of the coven’s meeting place, which is unintentionally hilarious because they’re in the middle of the bush. She abandons the coven and marries Desmond, an act that pisses the witches of so much, they steal her ovaries to ensure she never conceives a child.
After two years of marriage and no baby, Desmond’s mother takes matters into her own hands. She goes to a Babalawo to find out why Princess’ womb is giving what it’s supposed to give. The Babalawo reveals that Princess’ womb isn’t cooperating because of her ties to the coven. She tells Desmond what the Babalawo told her and when Desmond doesn’t believe her, she concludes that Princess must be using juju on him.
Desmond and Princess later decide to try adoption. The coven, who are still on a mission to ruin Princess’ life, get wind of the adoption plans and swing into action, They conjure a baby out of thin air and drop it at a garbage dump site.
A reverend sister finds the child and takes it to an orphanage lazily named MOTHERLESS BABIES HOME.
Desmond and Princess come to this orphanage and end up adopting the demon baby. Things are peachy for a while until the baby starts falling sick every two days, stressing Desmond and Princess out. Meanwhile, the witches have decided that on the yearly anniversary of Agnes’ death, a fatal accident will happen on the very spot she died. Here’s one of the accidents:
That’s right. A bus full of people was thrown off the road by a giant, flying cat.
For the next thirty minutes of the movie, nothing important to the story happens. It’s just a long montage of the coven members killing people who have nothing to do with the movie’s main storyline. There’s a scene where Desmond and Princess’ adopted demon baby turns into this in the middle of the night…
…and fucks up the engine of their car.
That’s it. That’s all he does.
Desmond decides that it’s time to get a pastor involved so they call one who, of course, ends up being played by Patrick Doyle. The pastor knows demonic treachery is afoot but can’t put his finger on it until the baby changes into a rat right in front of him. The pastor is like:
Desmond and Princess don’t see the brief transformation though, so he tells them to secretly watch the baby at midnight to see what happens. They catch the baby mid-transformation and take him to the pastor for a hot deliverance session. During the prayer, the baby transforms into the different members of the coven.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the 1999 Nollywood movie, ‘Oganigwe.’
Somebody needs to get this lady on the TV show, Botched, because chile…
All you need to know before we begin is that this movie is a Cinderella story on steroids.
Oganigwe is a Nollywood epic, which means all the actresses in it are dressed in Ankara tube top and mini skirt combos. The movie starts with a girl carrying an insanely enormous bundle of firewood on her head. We learn two things in this first scene.
The freakishly strong girl’s name is Olamma
And her stepmother is a huge bitch.
We know her stepmother is a huge bitch because she runs in from the side of the screen like a WWE wrestler and tackles Olamma to the ground. She then literally adds insult to injury by yelling at Olamma for not returning on time from fetching firewood to string her beads. That’s not a euphemism for some hilarious sexual act. She really does want Olamma to string some beads. She then lists a shit ton of chores for Olamma to do.
Olamma is crying the entire time but also looks like she’s thinking:
Olamma’s life is shit. When she was a child, her father married a second wife, a woman so openly evil, she might as well have been a Disney villain. He had two children with his second wife, Ada and Ikem (remember these names). The second wife killed Olamma’s mother out of jealousy and Olamma’s father died not long after, leaving Olamma at the mercy of her evil stepmother.
Ikem is the only one in the family who is nice to Olamma but is very creepy about it. He walks over to Olamma as she’s doing her chores and says:
But he’s a child and Olamma doesn’t want to be mean so she’s just like:
We’re introduced to the village’s royal family. They’re hanging out in their palace (a blinged-out hut) demanding to know why the prince hasn’t chosen a bride, even though there was a maiden dance recently where all the girls in the village twerked around the market square so he could pick one to marry. The prince says he fancied none of them so the king organises another dance so the prince has another chance to pick.
Even though Olamma isn’t allowed to attend the dance because her stepmother has her up to her tits in chores, she sneaks to the market square to watch. Ada has almost gotten the prince’s attention with her sick dance skills…
…when the prince spots Olamma in the crowd and demands that she dance for him.
Olamma impresses the prince and he picks her to be his bride.
Olamma’s stepmother is distraught that the prince didn’t choose Ada. She plots with her secret lover and member of the king’s court, Obasi, to spread the rumour that Olamma used juju on the prince. Obasi somehow sets Olamma up to be caught in a compromising position with one of the palace guards so the king will have her executed. This almost works but the prince begs to spare her life. He says he believes that his wife was set up but asks that she prove her innocence to the king and the royal court by swearing by Oganigwe, the god of the village. Obasi tries to object but the prince is like:
Olamma goes to swear an oath at the shrine of Oganigwe the next day but stops at the last minute because the chief priest twists the words of the oath to get her to agree to something she didn’t do. It’s revealed that Obasi went to see the priest the day before to get him to screw her over. The chief priest decides that Olamma’s hesitation is a sign of guilt and banishes her from the village. The prince has no choice but to accept the decision.
Olamma wanders around the forest for THREE WEEKS before she encounters a guy who’s about to commit suicide because he’s a chronic onigbese. She convinces him not to hang himself and he takes her to his village to live with him and his family. Not long after, the guy’s son mysteriously dies. The guy decides that it’s Olamma’s bad luck that has brought death to his family so he kicks her OUT OF THE VILLAGE.
Meanwhile, the prince has married Ada due to family pressure and it’s clear that he doesn’t give a shit about her.
From this point, things get super chaotic. Ada tries to use juju to get the prince to like her but it backfires and he slaps the shit out of her. Ikem is murdered for some reason. Olamma settles in another village and moves in with a kind family but is kicked out after a member of the family mysteriously dies. After seeing this happen two times in a row, Olamma is convinced that she may indeed be bad vibes and leaves to wander the forest by herself again.
After being quiet for years, Oganigwe finally decides to do right by Olamma by punishing all the people who did her dirty. For being a wicked bitch, he gives Olamma’s stepmother the worst boob job I’ve ever seen.
Then he punishes Obasi by enlarging his penis.
A lot of men would kill for this tbh.
There’s an unintentionally hilarious scene where Olanna’s stepmother is brought to the palace with her giant boobs on an equally giant wooden tray.
Both Obasi and Olamma’s stepmother confess and somebody guesses that the only way to stop Oganigwe’s wrath from wrecking the entire village is to bring Olamma back. The prince goes into the forest and finds her super fast, which makes me wonder just how small the forest is.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re six months into 2021 and I have no idea where the time went or what exactly I spent it doing. Friends and family say I’ve been walking around and functioning so my guess is that I dissociated one time just to see how it felt, enjoyed it, and then made it my default, leading to me being on autopilot the entire time.
10/10. Would definitely recommend. Unless you enjoy raw-dogging life, in which case, you can keep experiencing reality as it is or whatever.
Anyway, I’m here today to put together a list of the 5 most-read entries in the SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO series. Because I worked hard on them (family and friends told me this) and would very much like you to read them again. Or you could just share them with other people you think would enjoy this. That also works. Because if you don’t share:
What do you get when you throw self-proclaimed witch hunter; Helen Ukpabio, prolific director; Teco Benson, and goddess of beauty; Regina Askia into an idea pot? You get “Highway To The Grave,” a movie about a beautiful witch who goes about destroying the lives of men unlucky enough to eat her snail. I’ll never know why the honorary Winchester sister, Helen Ukpabio, decided that the world needed this movie (when there are dozens of others like it), but her decision gave us another chance to gaze upon Regina Askia’s beauty so I can’t complain.
Contrary to what the name will have you believe, White Hunters is not about women hunting white men for sport in a Hunger Games-style arena. It’s a Nollywood franchise consisting of FOUR MOVIES about a group of women who have decided to exclusively date white men as a way to lift themselves out of poverty and elevate their status in society. The movies chronicles all the insane things these women do just to bag rich white niggas.
The plot is straightforward and cliché. It’s about a woman stripperly named Dyna and chronicles all the shit she puts up with trying to get pregnant. The unintentional comedy here comes from the way the events play out in the music video.
My heart swelled with anger as I watched ‘War Room’ for the first time back in 2016. Not just because I’d been catfished by the title — I assumed it was about a family trapped in a war-torn country but it’s really about a woman convinced by Christianity that her husband’s shortcomings are kinda her fault — but because it was problematic as hell and just plain bad. I had forgotten all about it until that whole Derrick Jaxn cheating scandal happened.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the BBNaija Lockdown reunion episode featuring Ka3na’s bizarre friendship demands and the Lucy and Kaisha fight.
As the episode starts, we see that the lineup has changed again and that everyone has had an outfit change. Ebuka says this episode will address all the drama that’s happened since they left the house. He calls on Ka3na, saying that post-BBN drama can’t be discussed without her. At this point, I’m thinking it’s going to be a short segment for her because she was only in the house for two weeks and can’t have that much beef.
Wrong.
Ebuka reveals that Ka3na unfollowed all of the housemates on social media except for Prince, Dorathy, and Kiddwaya. When Ebuka asks to know why, Ka3na says it’s because those three are the only people she bonded with during her short stay in the house, and who didn’t say shit about her when she was evicted. Tolanibaj announces that the reason she suspects Ka3na unfollowed all the other housemates is because they attended Nengi’s birthday party. Ka3na tries to deny this but Praise jumps in to say that Ka3na’s problem is that she lives by the Inherited Beef code.
Ka3na agrees and defends herself by saying:
Even though I already know what a frenemy is, I look it up anyway because I suspect she used it wrong.
I was right.
Ka3na says she needs to able to comfortably confide in her friends, so she can’t be friends with you if you’re friends with someone she hates. She lets everyone know that she doesn’t have a lot of friends because of this and that she’s a mother and businesswoman. Because that’s her entire personality at this point.
No one:
Ka3na: "I'M A BOSS LADY! I HAVE A BUSINESS!! I HAVE A CHILD!!! RESPOND TO ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!"
The last line of this tweet will make sense in a bit.
Wathoni joins in and says that the reason she believes Ka3na went on an unfollowing spree is that the other housemates weren’t replying to her comments on their posts. Ka3na claims this isn’t true but in the same breath, says she unfollowed Laycon because he wasn’t liking the congratulatory comments she left on his posts when he won. Laycon is like:
Laycon apologises to her sha.
Ebuka asks Ka3na about her close friendship with Lucy. Ka3na explains that she and Lucy were best friends in the house but things went sour a few weeks after Lucy got evicted. When Ebuka asks her what exactly killed the friendship, Ka3na says what she and Lucy had was more than friendship. Then adds this:
Lucy is like:
Amidst tears, Ka3na expresses that she wanted a commitment and loyalty from Lucy. Lucy is understandably perplexed and screams:
And Ka3na is like:
Lucy demands to know why Ka3na is demanding commitment from her like they’re a romantic couple. Ka3na insists that this is about platonic friendship and that a lack of communication from Lucy’s end is why the friendship ended. Lucy recounts the story of how she woke up one day to find out that Ka3na had unfollowed her for no reason. As Lucy is talking, Vee is seated next to her with a look that clearly says:
After trying (and failing) to explain her point to everyone, Ka3na walks off the set to have a mini-breakdown.
She returns a few minutes later to continue the argument. Even though she said earlier that her being upset with Lucy had nothing to do with Lucy’s friendship with anyone, she admits that it’s because Lucy became friends with Nengi again — after Lucy and Negi fought in the house — and didn’t tell her. Here’s what I imagine the other housemates were thinking during all this:
The argument ends without a resolution. Ebuka shifts the episode’s proceedings to the convoluted beef involving Kaisha and Ka3na. From what I gather, they were at a post-BBN party that also had Kaisha’s sister and mother in attendance. Kaisha’s mother wanted to take a picture with Ka3na so Ka3na asked Kaisha’s mother to come over to where she was sitting to take the pictures. Kaisha saw this as disrespect and, in retaliation, angrily flicked Ka3na’s forehead in front of everyone. After arguing for a while, Kaisha decides that she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, warning everyone to keep her mother’s name out of their mouths. Lucy mentions Kaisha’s mother a few seconds later and Kaisha hurls a throw pillow at her because of it. Lucy immediately goes into she-hulk mode and whoops Kaisha’s ass. The episode cuts to commercial just before the first slap lands but pictures of the fight leaked.
Gaze upon Miss Lucy in all her glory:
These photos need to be framed and put up in the Louvre because baby, THIS IS ART!
The episode ends with a 10-minute long screaming match between Ka3na and Tochi. Tochi tries to let Ka3na know that cutting people off for random reasons like Edward Scissorhands isn’t a good way for a human to live. Ka3na refuses to hear word and claims that Tochi is just bitter because he’s craving the social media clout their old interactions on the timeline gave him. This is how the argument ends:
Read the rest of our BBNaija Lockdown reunion recaps here.
If you thought this reunion couldn’t get messier than the fight from Tolanibaj and Vee’s episode, I present to you the focus of last night’s episode: Dorathy’s gluck gluck activity with Brighto AND Praise’s 5-second midnight genital meet & greet with Katrina. Let’s start with the former.
At the start of this episode, we see that the lineup has been altered a bit. After destroying Tolanibaj in their insult match the previous night, she’s gone and has been replaced by Laycon, and Erica STILL isn’t here. Brighto hasn’t said a word the entire reunion and Lucy is still serving discount dominatrix/old school Nollywood female cultist realness in a black bra, purple mosquito net skirt, and Dark Betty fringe bob wig.
Lucy my babe 😭 Awon ti purple skirt and black bra. Oluaye fringe weave 🔥
Trickytee starts the episode talking about interactions he observed between other housemates, confirming my theory that he spent his entire time on the show being a supporting character in everyone else’s storylines. Wathoni mumbles something about possibly seeing Dorathy give Brighto a blowjob — a blowjob with an aftermath so messy, Wathoni had to change the sheets. She probably expected Dorathy to be ashamed but was shocked when Dorathy owned it with her entire bossom.
Dorathy goes on to say that she might as well have given Dracula that blowjob because Brighto was cold as hell the next morning. Didn’t even say “good morning” or “thank you for all that good neck you threw last night.” Brighto says that he didn’t have anything to say and insists that he didn’t do anything wrong, making Dorathy reach into her bra and throw money at him for some reason. This made me wonder: Did Dorathy come with money in her bra hoping she’d get a chance to angrily make it rain on someone?
Why does Dorathy have exactly N85 in her bra oh God
We moved on to the next big issue of the night: Praise and Katrina’s genital bump session in the house.
Katrina says she heard Praise say to someone in the house that he would never have anything to do with her because of his fiancé on the outside. Katrina says she took this as a challenge for some reason and decided to dance on Praise’s disco stick by any means necessary. She claims that she had sex with Praise that night (to prove a point?) but got less than she bargained for when Praise only lasted 5 seconds. She also kept screaming about how it happened in her bed like that’s supposed to change anything.
Here’s the video of Katrina narrating the story in her own words — and accent that sounds like she always has hot yam in her mouth.
The reactions from everyone in the room were meme-worthy. Lucy (the queen of chaos) had to hide her face behind a pillow. Kiddwaya finally took off his winter jacket. Then there was Nengi, who sat terrifyingly still the entire episode and didn’t say a word.
I'm scared by how Nengi isn't reacting to anything happening around her. Is she even really there? Is that a hologram?? #BBNaijaLockdownReunion
Katrina adds that when Praise was evicted, he called her up, asking for another chance to do a better job in the bedroom. she says that after constant calls from Praise, she hooked up with him again. Just like their first go at it, he lasted only 5 seconds, bringing their total sex time to 10 seconds. Praise tries to defend his honour but does a horrible job at it. Someone drags Lucy into the mix by asking her how she felt about this, seeing as she had already expressed romantic interest in Prince. That’s where the episode ends, and we’re promised even more chaos with a short clip from the next episode.
Now that you’ve gotten to the end of this, take this quiz to find out which of the messy BBNaija Lockdown housemates you are.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, “The President’s Daughter.”
If you’re wondering if it’s intentional that I’m recapping the fourth Regina Askia movie in the “So You Don’t Have To” series, the answer is yes. Yes, it is. Why? Because she’s fine as hell and I’m obsessed with her. Now that we’ve addressed that:
The movie starts with Vanessa, the president’s daughter (played by the goddess Regina Askia) returning to Nigeria from America. She’s dressed like every old Nollywood bad girl you’ve ever seen: scantily clad in a bandana tube top, chunky jewellery, unreasonably long acrylic nails, and a wig that looks like it was stolen from Halle Berry’s trailer on the set of X-Men (2000).
Vanessa has returned to Nigeria because she’s was kicked out of medical school for “drug abuse and reckless lifestyle,” according to her parents. Vanessa’s mother is weirdly chill about her daughter being a drug addict and her father is bothered but for the wrong reason.
As Vanessa returns home from the airport, her parents call her into the living room to have a talk with her. The way she walks in is truly the funniest caricature of an IJGB I’ve ever seen.
This entire movie is just Regina Askia doing her best impression of Hanks Anuku in every movie he’s ever been in and I’m living for it.
Vanessa’s father says that as punishment for being thrown out of school abroad, she has to attend Unilag to complete her education. Vanessa laments like attending a Nigerian school is the worst possible thing that could happen to her. And honestly, I feel her pain because have you been to a Nigerian university lately? As a way to ensure she doesn’t get in trouble, her father orders one of his bodyguards named Roger to be with her at all times. Right in front of her father, Vanessa sexually propositions Roger.
When Vanessa finds out that she’ll have to spend four years in Unilag, she’s like:
And the Vice Chancellor is like:
Meanwhile, Vanessa hasn’t had any cocaine since she’s been back in Nigeria because Roger the bodyguard follows her everywhere. While at a bar one night, she plots with her friend, Achika (Susan Patrick), to distract Roger so she can go eat a few handfuls of drugs with some random guy in the bathroom of the bar.
The plan works and Vanessa is able to inhale some coke before Roger finds her and takes her home. What comes next is this iconic scene:
I’d always wondered what the point of this scene was and it turns out there isn’t one. Vanessa walks in with Achika, tells the store attendant to “charrap,” and demands that everyone else in the store leave so she can shop. She then buys three of the exact same top…
…and pays with a shit ton of cash, a jarring reminder that in the year this movie was made, online banking in Nigeria wasn’t a thing yet.
Vanessa is jonesing for some coke again so she and Achika escape from Roger under the guise of going to rent video tapes.
They go see a drug dealer who carries around a giant cross for some reason.
As they’re all snorting lumps of cocaine in unison…
…random gunmen burst in and shoot the cross-wielding guy in the face. As the gunmen are about to shoot Vanessa and Achika, Roger rushes in and kills them both. He then takes the girls home.
Vanessa, Achika, and a few gentlemen friends of theirs go to a club the very next night. After an exhausting 15-minute dance montage set to Jennifer Lopez’ “If You Had My Love,” they all go outside to do cocaine. As they’re all hitting cloud nine, they get caught by the police.
They get arrested and the news is splashed all over newspapers the next day.
This is killing me because you can tell this “newspaper” was made in Microsoft word and printed out with no colour.
At the police station, Vanessa bitches about being the president’s daughter and hurls threats at the police men.
But their oga is like:
This line delivery is so unintentionally funny that one of the actors present in the scene looks straight into the camera and almost breaks character:
Vanessa thinks her father will pull strings to get her out but is shocked as hell when he lets the case go to court.
Vanessa’s drug scandal jeopardises her father’s plans to get re-elected as president. In a fit of rage, he blames his wife for how Vanessa has turned out, but his wife refuses to take shit and reads him for filth.
“YASSSSSS! UP FEMCO!!!!” – Me, while watching this scene.
Vanessa’s father has to choose between pulling strings to get her released OR letting the law run its course so the people’s faith in him can be restored. He chooses the former, leading to Vanessa getting sentenced to fifteen years imprisonment. His plan works and he wins the re-election.
I’m not even kidding that’s where the movie ends. This is truly the most chaotic Nollywood movie I have ever seen.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
The week, I’ll be recapping the music video for Raqie’s “Ati Ready.”
Rasqie was second in the short assembly line of Usher lookalikes/unintentional tribute brands that came out of nowhere in the early 2000s. (The p-square brothers were the first.) Alongside artists like Azadus, The Remedies, and Plantashun Boiz, Rasqie was signed to then juggernaut record label, Kennis Music, and rocked the airwaves with his debut single both named “Soji,” He returned a few years with the song, “Ati Ready.”
“Ati Ready” was (and still is) a bop, but something about the music video has always bothered me. Specifically, how random and chaotic it is. As I do every week in this series, I’m going to deconstruct the video to show you exactly what I mean.
The video starts with one of these:
Which made me freak out because I thought I was having a stroke. The video starts for real with two different shots of a sunset and one shot of the full moon, unintentionally making the video look like a horror vampire film from the 1990s.
It goes from this to a shot of a casino/club so poorly-lit that I first thought it was a sex dungeon.
As the extras dressed in insane early 2000s outfits are gambling, Rasqie walks in, dressed in a tie & dye ensemble and with an enormous guitar perched on his shoulder.
All the people there turn to look at him the moment he enters, probably wondering he has shown up to a club/casino/sex dungeon with a guitar. Even more confusing is that after his entrance, the guitar vanishes and is never shown again. So it’s like, what was even the point?
Anyway, the song starts and all the people in the club proceed to lose their fucking minds.
Movie musical style.
It’s when the camera starts moving around the club that the most interesting things in this video become apparent: The extras. It seems like they were given no direction in regards to dress code so they all showed dressed like they were going for different events.
This lady is serving “Christ Embassy member attending mid-week service” realness with her top and hairstyle:
These girls are twinning in what looks like Las Vegas showgirl costumes:
“Alexa. Play ‘Best Friend’ by Saweetie.”
These girls look like every happening 100 level babe in every old Nollywood movie:
This lady looks like a mother who’s left her kids at home with her husband because she needs a night out on the town.
“You better live your life, sis! YAS!!!“
This guy looks like an intro tech teacher who clearly comes here every Friday night to blow off steam because he hates his job and students.
This guy looks like a 16-year old who somehow made it into the club and is now trying to see if he can convince an older woman to have sex with him in the club’s unisex bathroom.
And then there’s the song’s female vocalist, who came to the club dressed in native, complete with gele.
She has an outfit change later in the video that I can’t take seriously because an early Destiny’s Child Kelly Rowland wig is involved.
The video goes on like this for 4 mins and 56 seconds, with all the people at the club super hyper for no apparent reason. I watch it till the end, knowing that a party like this can only end one way.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the music video for Seyi Sodimu’s hit song, “Love Me Jeje.”
Seyi Sodimu is a Nigerian singer-songwriter who rose to fame in 1997 when he released his smash hit single, “Love Me Jeje.“ It featured vocals from singer and actress, Shaffy THEE Bello.
This song was everywhere. As a human living in Nigeria in the late 90s, you couldn’t avoid the song or its music video. I heard about it for the first time in Sunday school where the teacher told the class — full of children less than 10 years old — that if we listened to this song or any others like it, we were condemning ourselves to an eternity of hot girl summer in hell, right next to other people who sang secular songs, like Fela and Michael Jackson (which is insane because it would be another 12 years before Michael Jackson died).
Sunday school in the 90s was brutal.
But we’re not here today to talk about my Christianity-inspired childhood trauma. We’re here to talk about the music video for “Love Me Jeje.” I wrote about the music video’s plot a while back but I will be expanding on that today.
The video starts with Seyi Sodimu himself walking into a bar with two bodyguards flanking him. It’s clearly daytime and the bar is PACKED. I take this to mean that everybody in the bar has a serious drinking problem that will consume (or has already consumed) them in due time.
As Seyi’s bodyguards are trying to find a place for him to sit, the video cuts to Shaffy Bello seated at the bar. She spots Seyi and is like:
Then we see her doing her makeup in front of the ocean for some reason.
This video is like 70% green screen. My theory is that the director got access to the technology and lost his mind with it.
Sang by Shaffy Bello, the chorus goes, “Every day I think of you. Every night I think of you” which is weird seeing as she’s seeing him for the first time. But whatever, I guess. Seyi starts the first verse by singing…
…which supports my theory that everyone present is battling alcoholism. Because why is he in a bar if he’s clean and sober?? He sees Shaffy sitting at the bar and approaches her with a look on his face that says:
He asks Shaffy her name but as she answers, a sassy broad in an incredibly 90s two-piece outfit and a synthetic wig comes and steals Seyi away. Shaffy is left sitting at the bar like:
Shaffy refuses to back down and decides to fight back. The problem is that the scene where she does this was probably left on the cutting room floor. I say this because the video just cuts from a shot of the sassy broad bringing Seyi to the yard with her milkshake…
…to him dancing after Shaffy as she sashays down the dance floor.
We stan a strong, independent woman who goes after what she wants. UP FEMCO!!!
The video’s plot is chaotic because as he’s singing to Shaffy and hyping her up, he’ll randomly go rock other women.
Men were scum in the 90s too.
My favourite thing about this video is the group of extras they used, who seemingly received no direction whatsoever on what to do or how to dress so they just shuffled about in the background at different energy levels, while dressed for completely different occasions. Like this guy:
This guy:
This guy:
This guy:
This guy:
This guy who is clearly sick of the whole thing:
This woman, who bravely wears a pantsuit out on an afternoon out to pick up men.
And the bar’s DJ, who just looks happy to be included.
I leave you with this awkward GIF of extras being forced to dance while the others watch:
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2020 romantic comedy Nollywood movie, “Namaste Wahala.”
When “Namaste Wahala” was announced in February 2020, Nigerian Twitter collectively lost its shit. Everyone expected it to be an explosion of both cultures, culminating in a film that would be described as “The Wedding Party meetsKabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham.” But most of the reviews I saw after the movie was released a year later summed it up as being “meh.” (And those were the good ones.)
Here’s the reaction I had after finally watching it this past week:
I finally watched Namaste Wahala today and LMFAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
The movie starts with a montage of the two protagonists, Didi (Ini Dima-Okojie) and Rajesh (Ruslaan Mumtaz), starting their day in their individual homes. They wake up, get into workout clothes, and go for a run. What bugs me about this scene is that Didi wakes up and goes running in a wig, which made me wonder if an alien wrote this movie’s script. Because what human woman sleeps in or goes running in a wig?
Also, she puts her hair in a ponytail before leaving her house and it’s still in a ponytail in this shot. However, in the next shot, which is of her and Rajesh running into each other (even though there’s no one else around them), her hair is suddenly let down.
Even though it’s clear from the screenshot above that Rajesh sees her early enough to stop, their cliché rom-com meet-cute has to happen somehow so they still bump into each other. They give each other googly eyes for a few seconds before going their separate ways. Rajesh exhibits serial killer behaviour by saying this:
Didi goes home to have the most insane family breakfast I’ve ever seen. Seriously, they’re only 4 at the table but look at how much food there is.
And this is just a regular meal!
At breakfast, we’re introduced to Didi’s mom (Joke Silva) and dad (Richard Mofe-Damijo). It’s made clear that Didi’s dad is a piece of shit human when he shades Didi for leaving the family’s law firm to go work at an NGO and refers to her job as a hobby. Later on, Didi takes her friend, Angie, to a fundraising event organised by the NGO Didi works for. Even though the event is to raise money for women who have been victims of abuse, Angie is just there to look for man.
Rajesh is also at this event because Leila, the CEO of the NGO, is his cousin. I pause the movie here to laugh because the director/writer/producer of the movie (Hamisha Daryani Ahuja) cast herself as Leila.
Even funnier, her acting isn’t great.
Anyway, Rajesh and Didi run into each other again and this happens:
Then they start dating and the first 3 months of their relationship is condensed into a 4-minute song and (poorly choreographed) dance number.
Something funny that happens during this montage is that whenever they’re on a date somewhere, there are never people in the background. At some point, it felt like I was watching a rom-com set against the backdrop of the rapture. Check it:
The director said, “Fuck realism and production value.”
Rajesh asks to meet Didi’s parents, and even though she’s worried about how her dad will react, she organises a meeting. Earlier in the movie, Didi’s father says he wants her to get married so he can pass on his law firm to her husband. The problematic nature of this desire aside, you’d think he’d be happy that she’s found someone but he’s not, and dramatically spits out his drink in disapproval.
Didi goes to Rajesh’s house to apologise for the way her dad reacted but Rajesh is upset that Didi didn’t inform her parents of his nationality. They have a stupid fight about it that gets interrupted by a phone call from Rajesh’s overbearing mother.
The introduction between Rajesh’s mum and Didi goes terribly. Didi, on her best behaviour is like:
But Rajesh’s mom is like:
Honestly, the whole thing was giving me incest vibes.
Then came the storyline that effectively stops this movie from being a comedy and turns it into a sad drama. Didi decides to represent a hotel worker who was physically assaulted by some rich guy. Didi’s dad finds out about the case and blows a gasket because the defendant in the case is the son of his firm’s biggest client (meaning that he’ll be the one going against her). Didi explains that she’s just trying to help the victim get justice but her father is more concerned about pissing off his client.
Depressed from everything in their lives suddenly going to shit, Rajesh and Didi sit together in his house while dressed in insane Ankara prints.
Their friends, Angie and Emma, convince them to go on a bar crawl. The movie’s makers used this as an opportunity to work in the most violent product placement I’ve seen since Krispy Kreme in 2017’s Power Rangers. Check it:
Because it’s very common for young adults looking to drink their problems away to order COCA-COLA and nothing else.
While they’re teaching Rajesh outdated Nigerian dance moves in a pointlessly drawn out montage…
…M.I just happens to show up. Because why the fuck not?
Didi shows up to the first hearing of the assault case and says she’s hungover, even though all they had the previous night were coca-colas and mocktails. She’s somehow blinded when the physical assaulter’s legal team provides evidence to counter her claim. The “evidence” is literally just screenshots taken from surveillance footage arranged to fit their narrative. Somehow, she falls for it.
The idea of surveillance footage doesn’t even occur to Didi until her she’s had her ass kicked in court. She goes to the hotel and finds out that someone from her father’s firm took the footage and destroyed it. Didi goes back to yell at her father for being such a despicable bastard and he pretty much confirms to her that he did it. Upset, Didi decides to move out of her parents’ house. Her mother is like:
Didi goes to stay with Rajesh. They spend a few days cuddling and watching Zee World (I shit you not) until his mum returns and reads her for filth. Didi wants to leave but Rajesh begs her to stay. What follows is a series of stupid events where Didi and Rajesh’s mum compete for his attention. It’s poorly done and doesn’t pack the comedic punch it could’ve. Didi’s mum comes to take her home but gets into an insult match with Rajesh’s mum.
Didi and Rajesh fight each other because of their mums’ fight and kinda break up (?) I don’t know. We’re shown a montage of Rajesh at the beach by himself looking sad and Didi ugly crying herself to sleep in a bob wig.
After a few weeks of grieving her 3-month-old relationship, Didi goes back to work. She’s able to get the surveillance footage she needs from the hotel’s owner who is an Indian man that’s friends with Rajesh and Leila. Yes, all the Indian characters in this movie somehow know each other.
Didi takes the footage to court and wins the case. Only when this happens does her dad have a change of heart. He apologises and says she’s earned his respect. She forgives him, which is stupid because if she had lost, he never would’ve never apologised. But whatever I guess.
Leila goes to speak to Rajesh’s mother on Didi’s behalf and this is how the conversation goes:
Now convinced that Didi is good enough for her son, she and Rajesh go have dinner with Didi and her family. During this, Rajesh’s mother insults the hell out of Didi’s father.
They all forgive each other and hug it out. The movie ends with a cheap-looking Nigerian/Indian fusion wedding with inconsistent costumes and not enough extras.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Continuing the trend of tackling Nigerian music video, today I’ll be recapping the music video for Daddy Showkey’s “Dyna.”
For those who don’t know (I’m looking at you Gen Zs), Daddy Showkey (Real name: John Asiemo) is a Nigerian singer. Super famous in the 1990s, he’s a veteran performer whose style of music helped popularise the dance, Galala— or as I like to call it: That one dance that makes you look like a Victorian-era child battling cholera and polio at the same time. In 1996, he released the smash hit titled “Dyna.” The story is straightforward and cliché. It’s about a woman stripperly named Dyna and chronicles all the shit she puts up with trying to get pregnant. The unintentional comedy here comes from the way the events play out in the music video.
The song starts with the title character sitting on the stairs in front of her house, crying struggle tears.
The camera pans out to reveal Daddy Showkey standing next to her. With his hand on her shoulder, he’s consoling her by saying stuff like:
As he’s saying all this, I notice that she’s not acknowledging him. Turns out that Daddy Showkey exists outside the music video’s narrative as some kind of in-universe narrator no one sees who’s just there to observe and spill tea. The chorus comes next and makes things clearer.
If you see my mama (Hosanna!)
Tell am say oh (Hosanna!)
I dey for ghetto (Hosanna!)
I no get problem (Hosanna!)
This chorus has nothing to do with the song. But because I’m determined to find meaning in it, I’ve interpreted it to mean that Daddy Showkey left his mother’s house to go to the hood searching for hot tea because he’s a messy bitch who lives for drama.
Dyna — yep, it’s Dyna not Diana — is a beautiful woman whose womb has refused to bear fruit after 9 years of marriage. Even though her husband doesn’t care and is kind, Dyna is super bummed out. This is why she has chosen to sit in front of her house and weep. Before we go on, I need you to see how the video shows that Dyna’s husband is caring. He feeds her water and sucks on her cheek:
Sucks her forehead while sitting up:
And sucks her forehead while sitting down.
Dyna and her husband are chilling in their Mount Zion-style living room when her husband’s mother kicks down the door like a wrestler and is like:
This bugs me because while I understand a mother being upset about her daughter-in-law not getting pregnant (even though it’s fucking stupid), why did the whole village come with her?
And why are they all barefoot??
They try to convince Dyna’s husband to throw Dyna out and when he refuses, they proceed to do so themselves. They’ve brought a very strong midget with them who they instruct to go in and pack Dyna’s belongings. The weirdly strong midget goes into the room and returns almost immediately with one Ghana Must Go bag already packed, which I think is super convenient.
When Dyna’s husband tries to stop them, they whoop his ass.
It’s revealed that Dyna’s husband’s mother has brought a girl from the village for him to marry. The girl doesn’t look like she’s into the whole thing tbh.
Dyna’s husband is disgusted by all this and is like:
After making some more angry village noises, they leave. By the next verse, Daddy Showkey is telling everyone to give a round of applause for Dyna because she is finally with child.
And the entire time I’m just like, “Can you let her announce her own pregnancy? Jesus.” He proceeds to throw shade at some “bad people” who I assume are people who didn’t want Dyna to get pregnant. However, it’s never made clear if he’s referring to random haters or members of her husband’s family. They cut to this woman who looks PRESSED.
When Dyna goes into labour, she’s driven to the hospital in a HEARSE.
And for some reason, the entire neighbourhood has come to watch her give birth.
Peep the people there just watching.
Dyna gives birth to a boy and at his naming ceremony, she just sits there quietly next to her mother-in-law who is carrying the baby. It seems like they’re on good terms now but the look on Dyna’s face makes it look like she’s thinking this:
This had me wishing that the video took a different turn and Dyna did poison all the food at this party, killing everyone. Then she would have a costume change and dance around the bodies like Lady Gaga and Beyonce in the video for “Telephone.” But sadly, that doesn’t happen. The video ends with Daddy Showkey dancing away, probably to go write another hit song about someone else’s life falling apart.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2021 “Mortal Kombat”reboot.
To be clear, “Mortal Kombat” isn’t awful. If you’re only interested in seeing your favourite characters from the game perform their special moves in fun choreographed fight scenes with cool CGI, then go for it. However, in terms of acting, writing, characterization, and plot development “Mortal Kombat” doesn’t hold up. Simply put, it suffers from the video game movie curse.
The movie starts in 17th-century Japan. Hanzo Hasashi is doing chores with his family, and you can tell that they’re really happy and in love because Hanzo hugs his wife and tells her this:
I’m thoroughly disgusted by how adorable all this is. But then I remember that when everything is super chill and rosy like this in a movie, it means things are about to go to shit. I’m proven right when Hanzo steps away to fetch water and a man with ice powers named Bi-Han shows up and murders Hanzo’s wife and son.
Hanzo returns to find his wife and son frozen and impaled with a shard of ice.
Enraged, Hanzo kills all Bi-Han’s men in what I think is the coolest fight scene in the movie. When the time comes to face Bi-Han, they have a small conversation that gets lost in translation because Bi-Han only speaks Chinese and Hanzo only speaks Japanese.
Because good can’t triumph over evil in the first 15 minutes of the movie, Hanzo loses the fight and is stabbed to death (with his own knife) by Bi-Han. Before he dies, however, Hanzo is like:
Hanzo does in fact go to hell. His body turns into fire and gets sucked into the underworld.
We never get a reason why.
As soon as Bi-han leaves, Raiden, God of Thunder and protector of the Earthrealm, shows up.
Turns out that Hanzo’s wife hid their newborn daughter from Bi-Han and Raiden has come to take her. This makes me angry because Raiden showing up right then means that he watched the carnage happen and did nothing to stop it.
The following text shows onscreen.
Centuries pass and Shang Tsung, the soul-sucking sorcerer in a bitchin’ bone straight wig, summons Bi-Han to talk about their strategy to win the upcoming tournament. Bi-Han (who shows up in a mask and calls himself “Sub Zero” now) says their victory is certain because he killed Hanzo Hasashi’s entire family. Shang Tsung orders Bi-Han to go kill all the Earthrealm champions so the tournament never happens.
We’re introduced to a guy named Cole Young, a former professional MMA fighter who now sucks at fighting and basically loses cage fights for a living.
An original character created as a stand-in for the audience, he has nothing going on and is boring as hell so the writers gave him a wife and teenage daughter.
Cole and his family are having dinner outside a cafe one evening when Sub Zero shows up and tries to murder them with a hailstorm. They’re saved by a man named Jax, who explains that a mark Cole has…
The Mortal Kombot logo. Lmao
…is the mark of Earthrealm’s champions. Jax has one too and decides to stay back and fight Sub Zero. He instructs Cole to go find a woman named Sonya Blade to get more information. If you’re wondering what happens when a guy with a gun tries to fight an ice demon, here’s your answer:
Cole drops his family off at a motel and goes to find Sonya. Sonya vomits exposition all over Cole. Here’s the gist:
Mortal Kombat is a tournament between the realms (Earthrealm and Outworld)
The Outworld has won nine times and if they win a tenth time, they’ll take over the Earthrealm.
The mark is an invitation to fight in the tournament.
Some people are born with the mark (like Cole) while others acquire it (like Jax, who killed someone who had it and had it transferred to him).
We’re introduced to the assassin Kano, a potty-mouthed discount Hugh Jackman Wolverine. Sonya is holding Kano hostage because he has the mark (he got it from killing someone who had it). They’re attacked by a humanoid reptile named Reptile and Kano rips its heart out, Klaus Mickaelson style. Sonya suggests they all go looking for Raiden’s temple and offers Kano money to help them find it.
During their journey through the desert on foot, it’s revealed that Sonya doesn’t even have the mark and Kano mercilessly clowns her for it. They run into Liu Kang wandering around the desert. I say “wandering” because he wasn’t even out looking for them. He was just out doing random desert shit. Anyway, he takes them to Raiden’s castle
Fun Fact: Ludi Lin, the actor who played Liu Kang, was also the Black Ranger in 2017’s “Power Rangers.” He needs to fire his agent.
Also, Jax is at the temple. Turns out he didn’t die after Sub Zero ripped his arms off. Liu Kang found him, brought him to the temple, and gave him useless robot chicken arms.
Kinda makes you wonder how they pulled this off, seeing as Raiden’s temple barely had technology anywhere.
Shang Tsung storms Raiden’s castle with his army of evil video game characters but Raiden puts up a wall of lightning (?) to protect his people while they train and find their arcana, a superpower every Mortal Kombat champion has to find within. Kano is the first to find his while screaming Asian slurs at Liu Kang’s cousin, Kung Lao, during dinner.
After some more training, Raiden sends Cole home because he still hasn’t found his arcana, but not before telling him about his lineage. Turns out that Cole is a descendant of Hanzo Hashasi and that’s why he has the mark. Cole returns to his family, forgetting that the reason he left them in the first place is that his presence was putting them in danger. Shang Tsung sends the four-armed, half human/half dragon, Goro, to kill Cole. Goro almost succeeds but Cole conveniently finds his arcana right then and uses it to kill Goro by stabbing him in the eye.
His arcana is basically Plot Armour.
While all this is happening, Kabal, one of Shang Tsung’s men, tries to get Kano to double cross the good guys. It doesn’t take much.
So he destroys the amulet keeping Raiden’s wall of lightning up and brings the bad guys into the temple.
It’s funny sha that Kano’s motivations here are swayed by money. Because he already knows that the Outworld has turned every realm they’ve invaded into a wasteland. What would money do for him in a post-apocalyptic earth??
A fight ensues and the good guys get their asses severely kicked. Some cool stuff happens sha, like when some evil flying chick named Nitara tries to attack Kung Lao so he does this:
And when Jax finally finds his arcana:
Which begs the question: Would Jax never have found his arcana if he didn’t have his hands ripped off?
Kung Lao is killed when he has his soul sucked out by Shang Tsung (LMAO) and Raiden teleports all the good guys to a place called The Void, a place he says the bad guys can’t follow them to. I pause the movie here to scream because WHY DIDN’T HE JUST BRING THEM HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
When Jax asks Raiden why he didn’t help save Kung Lao, Raiden says it’s because Gods aren’t allowed to interfere with tournament. This is stupid because Shang Tsung is a God who has been interfering all over the place. Hell, Raiden himself interfered when he stopped Shang Tsung from killing them in the temple earlier. Cole suggests that they attack the bad guys one by one and they do.
Jax kills Reiko by bashing his head in:
Sonya kills Kano by stabbing him in the eye:
Transferring his mark to her.
Liu Kang kills Kabal by turning into a giant fire dragon and eating him:
And Sonya returns to help Cole kill Mileena.
Sub Zero kidnaps Cole’s family and Cole has to go fight for them. Cole is losing when Hanzo Hasashi FINALLY returns from hell to help. Also, he’s Scorpion now for some reason and clearly took English classes in hell because he says this line in English:
Recalling the dialogue from the beginning of the movie, Hanzo says this in Japanese:
And Sub Zero is like:
After fighting together to defeat Sub Zero, Hanzo says to Cole in Japanese:
Then he disappears. Cole is like:
Shang Tsung shows up, says he’ll be back with a bigger army next time, and disappears. Raiden tells the good guys that it’s now their job to gather the rest of the Earthrealm’s champions. The movie ends with Cole saying he’s going to Hollywood to look for one of Earthrealm’s champions. The camera pans to this movie poster:
Three guesses who Cole is going to look for.
I have so many questions:
Why did Hanzo Hasashi waste so much time before returning to Earth to help?
How did he learn English?
Why did Sonya throw her life away to do all this? She wouldn’t even have been able to compete in the tournament if it happened because she didn’t have the mark.
Would Jax have never found his arcana if he didn’t have his arms ripped off?
If the champions didn’t set out to find Raiden’s temple by themselves, would’ve he ever have gone looking for them? I mean, he all-seeing so he he definitely knew that they were being hunted and killed.
Why didn’t Raiden just bring them to The Void in the first place?
Why didn’t the writers just have Cole become Scorpion instead of bringing Hanzo back?
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the music video for P-Square’s “Senorita,” the hit single of the now-defunct musical duo consisting of Peter and Paul Okoye.
The early 2000s energy in this cover art is overwhelming and I love it so much
For those who don’t know, Senorita was P-Square’s first single of their debut album titled, “Last Night.” It was a smash hit and immediately catapulted them to stardom. The song is about one (or both) of the brothers mourning the death of a woman he (they?) loved.
To quote the iconic Saturday Night Live character, Stefon, the 5 minute and 28-second music video for “Senorita” has everything:
A love triangle.
Insane early 2000s fashion.
A dance break in the middle of the street.
A weird celebrity cameo you won’t see coming.
A grass to grace story with details shrouded in mystery.
A beautiful, gold-digging young woman named Vivian.
A poorly-filmed accident scene that’ll have you screaming, “How the fuck did that happen?!”
Let’s get into it.
The video starts with Paul Okoye on an okada. He gets to his destination and argues with the okada driver for a bit about how much the ride cost, which is weird because people usually agree on okada prices before the ride starts. This small argument also lets the viewers that Paul is poor as shit.
As Paul is arguing with the bike man, we’re introduced to Vivian, the video’s vixen. She’s dressed in a black chiffon top and has braids on her head that look mad heavy.
Paul is there to see Vivian, and for a moment it looks like she’s out to see him but then DJ Jimmy Jatt pulls up in a Mercedes.
It’s been 18 years and I still haven’t gotten over the randomness of this cameo.
As Paul tries to hug Vivian, she pushes him aside with a facial expression that clearly says:
She gets into DJ Jimmy Jatt’s car, kisses him, and they drive off, leaving Paul standing stupidly by the side of the road.
The music starts and we see Paul walking in slow motion through a graveyard. He gets to a random grave and starts singing to the tombstone. My favourite thing about this scene is how it was shot at a real cemetery but because they weren’t able to get rid of other people who happened to be there on the day they filmed, we got random shots like this:
Can you imagine being at a cemetery trying to bury your loved only to turn around and see a guy dressed like discount Neo lip-synching for his life next to a tombstone?
Anyway, the gist of the song’s plot is that in the past, Paul tried to get Vivian to be his girlfriend but Vivian repeatedly told him no because he was a broke ass nigga. Now, Paul and his brother, Peter, have hammered and become rich niggas who can afford to drive around in convertible vehicles with their entourage who just sit in the back and wave their arms like wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men.
While out on a date with DJ Jimmy Jatt, Vivian sees the brothers driving by…
… and without missing a beat, attempts to go famz Paul.
But Paul isn’t having it and is like:
Angry at the recent turn of events, DJ Jimmy Jatt drags Vivian away from Paul and forces her into his car. As he’s driving off, he gives Paul the middle finger, which is supposed to be badass but just ends up being unintentionally hilarious.
Paul decides that being told “fuck you” is an insult he just can’t ignore so he gets brother and crew together to chase after DJ Jimmy Jatt. Meanwhile, DJ Jimmy Jatt and Vivian are having a heated argument…
….when Paul, Peter, and their entourage suddenly appear in front of their car, causing DJ Jimmy Jatt to swerve off the road way more dramatically than he needs to.
Because of the (almost) accident, there’s smoke everywhere and when it clears, Paul, Peter, and their crew perform a choreographed dance that I personally think both Usher and Michael Jackson should’ve sued them for.
I’m convinced that P-Square started off as Michael Jackson/Usher cover bandjust never evolved from there.
After the dance break, Paul and Peter drive off, leaving DJ Jimmy Jatt humiliated and Vivian horny as hell.
With her gold-digging powers fully activated, Vivian runs after Paul and Peter’s car. To do what exactly? I have no fucking idea. DJ Jimmy Jatt tries to stop her but she’s like:
And then this happens:
Which makes no fucking sense because Paul and Peter drove AWAY from DJ Jimmy Jatt and Vivian. This accident implies that she ran after them and somehow overtook their car???
I guess the super soldier serum has nothing on the power of gold-digging.
Anyway, Vivian dies and this is when it’s revealed that the whole song is a tribute to her, and that it’s her tombstone Paul has been singing to this entire time. Or is it? Because when Peter comes to get Paul from the cemetery…
….the camera pans to show the tombstone in its entirety for the first time and we see this:
Who the fuck is Senor White?? Why establish the girl’s name as Vivian and then use a tombstone that doesn’t have her name on it? Why was Paul so sad that this fucking awful girl died when all she did was treat him like shit? Why was DJ Jimmy Jatt playing himself in this? Why were they all dressed like that in Nigeria’s hot ass weather?
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Nigerian music videos are…somehow. They’ve always been somehow. And over the years, they’ve just evolved into a different kind of somehow-ness. For that reason, I’ve always wanted to include them in the “So You Don’t Have To” series. Well, the time has come. And what better music video to start with than Styl Plus’ “Call My Name,” or as I like to call it, “A Tale Of How A Bunch Of Guys Creep Out A Girl In A Restaurant Just Because She’s Sitting By Herself.”
For those who don’t know, Styl Plus is an R&B/Pop group that burst on to the scene in the early 2000s with their hit single, “Olufunmi.”. They were so hot at the time that all they had to do was stand on a stage and sing and people everywhere would violently cream their jeans. In 2003, they released a song titled “Call My Name.” The song is an eternal bop but when you pointlessly dissect it like I’m about to, the storyline is kinda weird.
The video starts with a girl walking into a restaurant, dressed in a way that lets you know that this is the early 2000s.
It’s been 18 years and I still wonder if the light show going on behind that glass is lightning or faulty fluorescent lighting.
All three members of Styl Plus (Tunde, Shiffi, and Zeal) are seated on a couch in the restaurant, ogling the hell out of this girl as she walks in.
Styl Plus’ managers and production team at the time make a cameo in the video and ask the audience a question.
The first verse starts. Shiffi sings about how he has seen the girl — who is sitting at a table for two and has ordered two glasses of champagne — whisper something to the waiter so that MUST mean she’s asking the waiter to call him.
Chorus:
Ooh babe, ooh babe, Can I pour your wine ooh babe I heard a whisper of my name (whisper of my name} Did you call my name Say baby did you call my name
All three Styl Plus members are singing from the POV of one person, which they do in all their songs. Because they make mostly love songs, I always imagine them in a foursome with whichever girl they’re singing about.
Tunde picks up in the second verse, and in it, wonders why the waiter hasn’t called him yet even though it’s been twenty minutes since the girl spoke to the waiter. After a while, he decides to go up to the girl and whisper in her ear.
Zeal sings the third verse and takes the weirdness up a 100 notches when he leans in tosmell her hair.
While he’s dancing and sniffing her like a weirdo, this happens:
I expect the boyfriend to whoop Zeal’s ass for trying to move in on his girl but he doesn’t. In fact, neither the girl nor her boyfriend acknowledge him. They just say hi to each other, hug, and leave the restaurant, leaving Zeal standing there looking stupid.
It seems like all hope is lost until the waiter approaches Zeal and gives him a piece of paper…
…with the girl’s number on it.
Notice that the girl’s name is Funmi. THE Olufunmi from the song “Olufunmi.” We love an extended music video universe!
Zeal and his friends throw their fists in the air and the video ends.
So now I’m like, yeah, things worked out well because the girl ended up being down with the shit. But can you imagine how creepy the concept for this video would be if she wasn’t and a man did all that just because he thought he heard her whisper his name to a waiter in a noisy restaurant?
Think about it. Or don’t. Everything in this article is just banter I’ve had with my other personalities.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror movie, ‘Highway To The grave,’ starring Regina Askia.
I’m screaming at how fucking extra this poster is. Regina Askia’s character never turns into discount Medusa at any point in the movie so why this??
What do you get when you throw self-proclaimed witch hunter; Helen Ukpabio, prolific director; Teco Benson, and goddess of beauty; Regina Askia into an idea pot? You get “Highway To The Grave,” a movie about a beautiful witch who goes about destroying the lives of men unlucky enough to eat her snail. It’s a tale as old as Nollywood itself, with this exact plot recycled many times in movies like Nneka the Pretty Serpent, Karishika, etc.
We’ll never know why honorary Winchester sister, Helen Ukpabio, thought we needed yet another entry in this weird genre. But her decision to do so gave us another chance to gaze upon Regina Askia’s beauty so I can’t complain.
The movie starts with a woman running in the bush.
I’m confused as to why she went exercising in buba and iro but after a few seconds, it’s made clear that she’s running from something. And the thing she’s running from is a poorly-done CGI ball of fire.
The CGI ball of fire catches up to her, but before it can burn her to a crisp, she wakes up screaming.
It was just a nightmare.
She gets up and goes to her daughter’s room. As she’s watching her daughter sleep, we’re shown a flashback.
It turns out that an unspecified number of years prior, the woman struggled with getting pregnant. So she went to her neighbourhood Babalawo to find out why her womb wasn’t cooperating. After consulting the oracle using a calabash full of boiled eggs…
And a lone chicken feather as garnishing.
…the Babalwo informs the woman that her barrenness was a result of her husband’s village people playing Suwe with her womb. To help her get pregnant, he took her to a river to appease the spirits by swinging a goat over her head a few times and tossing it into the river.
I was gooped.
Not since the first Living in Bondage movie have I seen a real animal so casually murdered onscreen.
We return to the present day and the woman’s daughter — the baby given to her by the river spirits — is all grown up. Her name is Sonia (Regina Askia) and she’s standing at the side of the road looking confused. A man named Patrick stops his car and asks to give her a ride and she agrees. During the ride, Patrick starts to hit on her.
At first, Sonia seems like she’s into it. But then when Patrick attempts to get frisky by rubbing her thigh, this happens:
Fucking horrified, Patrick abandons his car and runs away. After serving Usain Bolt realness for a while, he runs into a friend of his who asks:
When Patrick explains what happened, his friend says this:
This is insane because this isn’t even a common occurrence. How the hell is he so sure of what he’s saying?
Patrick says he doesn’t know any Babalawos and his friend promises to hook him up with one. I pause the movie here to think of how common it is in Nollywood movies for characters to never bat an eye when someone they know just happens to have a Babalawo on speed dial.
Patrick’s friend takes him to a Babalawo who’s dressed like an ashewo nun.
The Babalawo tells Patrick that Sonia and her home girls in the marine kingdom have latched on to him. He says that the the only way to be free is for Patrick to walk around a market square naked at midnight.
Patrick completes this task and is ready to return to his life when Sonia appears in his living room like:
Patrick is so shocked by this, he falls over, hits his head on a wooden stool, and dies. Sonia returns to the marine kingdom and is given a promotion for completing her mission.
Her next assignment is to destroy the life of a man named Tony (Segun Arinze). She gets his attention by playing damsel-in-with-a-flat-tyre. When he’s done helping her, he asks her to go on a date with him later that night. She asks to go out the next day instead but he insists on it being that night because he’s getting MARRIED THE NEXT DAY.
At this point, I find myself rooting for Sonia because the men she’s met so far are just fucking awful.
They meet up later that night and and as they’re about to bump genitals, Sonia pulls her signature trick.
Tony passes out and misses his wedding. His fiancée is distraught.
Tony returns and attempts to apologise to his fiancée but she beats his ass with a shoe, causing him to leave the house they both share. As he’s wandering about, he gets run over by a Peugeot 504 and dies.
Obvious mannequin is terribly obvious.
At this point, I realise that this movie is just a super long montage of Sonia stressing men out until they die. I’m tempted to abandon the movie but I’m already halfway through so I proceed to finish it.
Sonia actually has sex with the next guy she seduces, taking his ability to have erections with her when she leaves. He goes to a doctor for help who then directs the guy to a Babalawo.
The Babalawo informs the man that the only way to get his erections back is to bring his mother’s head for rituals. The man is like:
He starts yelling at the Babalawo, who, in anger, makes the man run mad. At this point, the only thought I have about the movie is this:
Sonia’s next target is a pastor played by Tony Umez so it’s clear that he’s going to fall for her “fuck me eyes.”
And I was right.
He chokes to death on his tongue immediately after. The next guy is a chief played by Jide Kosoko. He attempts to have sex with her in his office and almost has a heart attack when she turns into a coffin.
LMFAO! Sonia is giving Loki a run for his money.
Chief finds out from a Babalawo — I’ve lost count of the number of them in this movie — that the only way to save himself from death is to move out of his house with his family and take nothing with him. Chief doesn’t have any other house so the Babalawo offers him a hut to stay in. There’s an unintentionally hilarious nightmare sequence of Sonia chasing Chief around with a machete.
It turns out that Sonia and her marine home girls are in cahoots with the Babalawo and the thing about Chief abandoning all his possessions was a lie. Chief’s wife, played by Helen Ukpabio herself in a very Shyamalan-esque cameo, goes to a pastor to complain. The pastor instructs her to bring Chief for deliverance but Chief tells her:
Sonia gets wind of Chief’s wife’s plans and goes to seduce the pastor in what has to be the skimpiest outfit of 1998.
But she fails because the pastor calls on Jesus and activates his pastorly powers.
The pastor goes to chief’s house to spiritually whoop the Babalawo’s ass. He prays for chief and his wife, and the movie ends.
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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the insane anti-feminist book titled, ‘We Should All Be Feminists Male and Female.’
A quote from Candace Owens on the cover is all the proof you need to know that a book is going to be hot garbage.
About the Author
“Feminism a concept of falsehood coupled together as emancipation, propagated as equality, sold to women as a means to empower but it is ruse for enslavement!”
– His bio on Twitter
I couldn’t find much about Bakma Daniel Garta. All I gathered from his Twitter account is that he has seemingly dedicated his life to fighting feminism:
— Odugbesan Ifeoluwa aka Jesus Baby (@hadassah112) January 24, 2021
I was happy to do it but didn’t want to spend money on or be caught purchasing such garbage, so I waited and hoped someone would send it to me. And that’s exactly what happened. Shoutout to Twitter user @linaxabdul for hooking me up!
Because this book has no structure whatsoever (it’s not even divided into chapters), I’ll just be dropping all the insane shit I found in it.
Remember that music trend in the 2000s when a singer would release a song about the opposite gender and then a singer of the opposite gender would release a response? Well, ‘We Should All Be Feminists Male and Female‘ is Bakma Daniel Garta’s response to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s book, “We Should All Be Feminists.’
He starts off the book calling CNA ‘Ngozi’ because he clearly has no fucking respect. He says that feminism is breeding a generation of Jezebelic rebels intent on destroying the bedrock of society (family). He also talks about what he believes is the origin of feminism.
He accuses feminists of being in cahoots with the mainstream media to push for abortion to be made legal so they can have group sex under the influence of alcohol without consequences. He says that women shouldn’t be given all the rights they want because some of those rights are bound to destroy the world.
In an attempt to further discredit the need for feminism, he pulls out this dumb ass argument:
According to Bakma Daniel Garta, this is how and why lesbians are made:
He then tells a totally true story about a couple he knows whose marriage was torn apart by the feminism monster.
He follows that up with what he says is the only weapon that can defeat feminism.
Inevitably, he drags the rest of the LGBTQ community into it.
Who the fuck is Louis?
He says this shit at some point:.
Now we know where men get the audacity from.
While using an entire page to argue in favour of patriarchy, he makes this argument:
Conveniently ignoring the fact that for most of existence, knowledgeable women have been persecuted and wiped from history books.
Oh. Get a load of this bullshit.
He backs this up by saying that women demanding for equality is reminiscent of Lucifer demanding equality from God and getting thrown out of heaven for it. According to him, because Lucifer was never able to get what he wanted, he is using feminists to get it.
What comes next confuses me.
Do all women who go to school and get jobs end up sleeping with the Satan at some point?Because that’s what this paragraph implies.
The protagonist of Buchi Emecheta’s ‘The Joys of Motherhood’ would violently disagree with this.
He pauses for a bit to give horrible advice to men.
More lies:
LMAO!
Whew. The Kardashians just can’t catch a break.
He ends the book patting himself on the back for a job well done.
And adds this:
Me after reading this 60-page book that really should’ve been a 3-page pamphletcif the author didn’t repeat himself so much:
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I’ll be recapping the 2000 Nollywood horror movie, ‘Last Burial’.
The movie starts with the main character, Ogbuefi (Clem Ohameze), being initiated into the Brotherhood of Knights in the catholic church he attends. After the ceremony, two of his fellow knights come outside to congratulate him. They’re all dressed like the dancing Ghanaian pallbearers so I really can’t take anything they’re saying seriously.
For those who don’t know, “Astronomia” is the name of the song the pallbearers dance to in the meme. You’re welcome.
In the next scene, Ogbuefi is saying night prayers with his family. When they’re done, he kisses them all before bed. All this makes me think that Ogbuefi is a nice, God-fearing man. But I’m proven wrong when, as soon as his family turns in for the night, two barefoot men dressed like Christ Embassy choristers on Valentine’s day appear in his living room to tell him that his time is up.
This is where we find out that Ogbuefi is in a cult and he do usually do money ritual. The conversation he has with these men (other members of his cult) lets us know that he sold his soul for riches and was given a specific number of years to live.
The next day, Ogbuefi goes about putting his affairs in order. He goes to his village and gives the village reverend father ₦400,000 cash in a cardboard box.
Remember that this is the year 2000. ₦500 and ₦1000 notes didn’t exist yet so there’s no fucking way ₦400,000 naira fit in that small box. Also, does that mean he drove from Lagos to the village with a box of money sitting in the passenger’s seat?? So many questions.
He then visits the village chief to donate ₦500,000 to the village’s borehole fund:
Notice how he gave the chief a cheque but gave the priest a carton of cash instead? WHAT WAS THE REASON??
After this, he attends his cult’s next meeting to ask for more time but they tell him no because the patron demon of their cult, Shankiki, doesn’t do life extension policies. As soon as the name, Shankiki, is mentioned, I die laughing because it brings this character to mind:
All my “Martin” fans in the house make some noise!
Ogbuefi instructs his wife, Susan, (Eucharia Anunobi Eku), to withdraw all the money in their account and take it to a pastor to pray on it. When Susan, who doesn’t know about the source of Ogbuefi’s wealth, asks why, he refuses to tell. She screams at him for an explanation and in an attempt to scream back, he has a heart attack and dies.
Wahala starts when the time comes to bury Ogbuefi’s body. Ogbuefi’s brother, Nnado, who is also a member of the cult, reveals Ogbuefi’s occult activities to Susan. Susan is still reeling from this revelation when he drops another bombshell on her.
But because she’s always dreamed of giving her husband a Christian burial or whatever, Susan is like:
And so begins the battle between Susan (backed by the church) and the Shankiki cult for Ogbuefi’s body. On the way to bury the body at the church in the village, one of the cult members pours supernatural glue on the road so the pallbearers carrying Ogbuefi’s body can’t move.
🎵If it’s up, then it’s up, then it’s up, then it’s stuck🎵
The priest tries to undo the spell with priestly magic but it backfires and he gets knocked on his ass. He instructs Susan to take Ogbuefi’s body back home. This is what they want so the cult members are happy.
A lot weird stuff happens after they take Ogbuefi’s body to his house. One of Ogbuefi’s relatives (played by Chinwetel Agu) tries to stop the Shankiki cult from coming in with a shot gun but they neutralise him and the gun with a red handkerchief.
Then some jazz man with leaves ties around his head shows up from nowhere and challenges the cult to a spiritual fight so they get upset and turn him into a midget.
The entire thing is super chaotic and slightly out of pocket but I AM LIVING FOR IT.
It turns out that to successfully bury one of their own, the cult members have to eat the deceased’s heart or they will all die. However, the person has to hand over their heart themself so they have to briefly resurrect Ogbuefi to achieve this. In the middle of the ritual, the priest runs in and is like…
…when he see this:
The priest tries to fight them using a crucifix but it doesn’t work because they’re not vampires. They proceed to spiritually whoop his ass.
It’s not until he’s almost dead that his priestly powers kick in. He screams…
…and the power of God throws the entire cult into disarray.
After the supernatural throwdown, the priest leaves the house and starts going home. When Susan asks what they’re going to do about Ogbuefi’s corpse, which is now sitting upright in his coffin in the middle of his living room, the priest says:
Several weeks pass and Ogbuefi’s corpse is still sitting upright in his coffin because his soul is trapped between life and death. No one agrees to go near him because his eyes are wide open and it’s creepy. No one agrees to touch him because even though he’s awake, he’s technically still a corpse and it’s gross. Since the spiritual fight that took place at what was supposed to be the burial, the village church has decided to exclude itself from the narrative.
Meanwhile, the cult has decided that since they can’t have Ogbuefi’s heart, his son’s own will suffice. They try to attack the boy several times but are never able to harm him because he has an angel inside him.
Eventually, the church agrees to help. The priest has a rematch with the cult members and defeats them quickly this time because his confidence has grown or whatever. Ogbuefi’s body finally lies down to nap for eternity.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2015 Christian movie tilted, ‘War Room.‘
“Tony and Elizabeth Jordan, seemingly have it all – great jobs, a beautiful daughter, their dream home. But appearances can be deceiving. In reality, the Jordan’s home has become a war zone and their daughter is collateral damage.”
– The movie’s plot synopsis
My heart swelled with anger as I watched ‘War Room’ for the first time back in 2016. Not just because I’d been catfished by the title — I assumed it was about a family trapped in a war-torn country but it’s really about a woman convinced by Christianity that her husband’s shortcomings are kinda her fault — but because it was problematic as hell and just plain bad. I had forgotten all about it until this Derrick Jaxn mess came up.
The movie really had the main character thinking her husband was fucking around because she wasn't praying hard enough about their marriage. GOD ABEG https://t.co/ZVEaGcPK3V
Derrick and his wife, Da’Naia, in her helmet of salvation.
For those who haven’t heard about Derrick Jaxn, here’s a brief summary of his tea. He’s an internet relationship “guru” who was recently exposed as a serial cheater even though he’s made a living dishing out relationship advice. He made an apology video alongside his wife, Da’Naia, in which she looked like she was in distress. When people pointed this out, she posted another video saying this in regards to her marital problems:
“This is a spiritual warfare.I did not come here to play games and to play dress-up, I came here in my battle suit. I came here on the battlegroundcovered in the blood of Jesusto spill the blood of the enemy.”
Just like the protagonist in ‘War Room,’ fighting an imaginary battle with the devil instead of addressing the real issue: her bastard husband.
Before I vex.
Right from the jump, you can tell that Tony and Elizabeth’s marriage is a mess and that Tony is the reason why. In the first scene, he comes home from his job as a pharmaceutical salesman and before their daughter, Danielle, can show him her report card, he starts a fight with Elizabeth.
He disrespects his family in all kinds of ways, like not telling them when he’s traveling for business, not showing any interest in his daughter’s life, and checking out other women in front of Elizabeth.
To make this worse, this happened at CHURCH.
Elizabeth complains to her coworkers about how difficult it is to submit to her husband when he keeps being shitty and one of them says:
And I’m like:
Elizabeth is a real estate agent and she gets the task of selling the house of an elderly widowed woman named Ms Clara. Ms Clara is friendly in an uncomfortable way. She talks non-stop, revealing weirdly personal details about her life. And the whole time, Elizabeth is just like…
…because she doesn’t want to fumble a bag. Elizabeth gathers all the information she needs about the house and is on her way out when, out of nowhere, asks:
Ms Clara says she’ll reveal her favourite room the next time they meet. I’m disgusted by this because it’s clear this forced dialogue only exists to awkwardly push the plot along.
Meanwhile, Tony is busy setting up a booty call.
The next time Elizabeth and Ms Clara meet, it’s to discuss potential asking prices for the house but Ms Clara has other things on her mind she wants to ask.
A real-life person would’ve asked Ms Clara why the fuck she’s being so damn nosey. But Elizabeth is a character in a poorly written piece of propaganda so she answers all Ms Clara’s questions, also talking about the fights she and Tony have been having. Ms Clara says the reason Elizabeth has been losing fights with Tony is that she’s been fighting the wrong way. Ms Clara offers to show Elizabeth her favourite room in the house.
Roll Credits!
The war room is a tiny closet with a light bulb, a chair, and pieces of paper stuck on the wall with bible scripture scribbled on them. Ms Clara explains that whenever her husband would misbehave, she would come to her War Room and fight the right way — by praying for her husband and against Satan — until her husband started acting right. She encourages Elizabeth to do the same.
Elizabeth isn’t enthusiastic about spending time praying in a tiny closet like a discount ‘Carrie‘ so she says she’ll think about it. She eventually decides to do it when she overhears a conversation between Danielle and a friend.
A few days later, Ms Clara and Elizabeth are hanging out when a guy with a pen knife tries to rob them.
Elizabeth is ready to give up her valuables when Ms Clara suddenly goes:
And the guy actually puts the knife down and walks away.
Almost being stabbed to death by a Teletubby on crack makes Elizabeth take her own war room more seriously. As she’s posting pieces of bible scripture on the walls, she finds out from a friend that Tony is about to cheat on her with a white woman.
So she does her best Kerry Washington cry face and prays to Jesus to cockblock Tony.
And in an attempt to drive Satan out of her house, delivers the worst monologue I’ve ever heard.
Thanks to Elizabeth’s prayer, black Jesus strikes Tony with food poisoning, discouraging him from being an adulterous bastard.
When Tony gets back home, he gets fired from his job. Turns out he wasn’t only an abusive, adulterous piece of shit but was also engaging in illegal sales at work. Hitting rock bottom makes him realize how much of his daughter’s life he’s been missing. He also finds Elizabeth’s war room and sees her prayer points, which include wanting him to stop being a fucking douche and love her again.
He cries stupidly and begs for Elizabeth’s forgiveness, giving his life to Christ in the process. Later, he gets a job at the neighbourhood community centre. He tells Elizabeth about the job and how it pays less than his former job and she replies with this:
Me after watching this:
One more thing before I go: Ladies, don’t let people or movies peddling messages like this deceive you. If a man is being bastard, it’s HIM that’s doing it, not the devil. No amount of praying and crying in a cupboard under the stairs can change a man who doesn’t want to be changed.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I’ll be recapping the insanely problematic 2010 Nollywood franchise, White Hunters.
Among the popular fashion trends that have come and gone in women’s fashion, the abortion belt was the fucking worst.
Contrary to what the name will have you believe, White Hunters is not about women hunting white men for sport in a Hunger Games-style arena. It’s a Nollywood franchise consisting of FOUR MOVIES about a group of women who have decided to exclusively date white men as a way to lift themselves out of poverty and elevate their status in society.
The movies chronicles all the insane things these women do just to bag rich white niggas. They also kick-started my trust issues because we were promised Caucasians but were given light-skinned Lebanese dudes who could barely speak English.
Let’s get into the movie.
The movie starts with Tabitha (Ini Edo) having a conversation with her boyfriend about how she can no longer fucking deal with his poverty. She shames him for earning ₦150,000 a month and tells him to go find greener pastures on another continent. Her boyfriend points out that it’s the year 2010 and ₦150,000 a month is still a huge deal but she’s completely over it.
As they’re talking, Tabitha’s white side piece, Ballack shows up. She sends her boyfriend to buy her ice cream and runs off with Ballack the second her boyfriend leaves. If you think one white nigga is enough for Tabitha, think again because, in the very next scene, Tabitha is getting her snail eaten by another white guy named O’Brian in the front seat of his car, while her friend, Pamela (Mercy Johnson), just sits there in the back.
Unknown to Tabitha, Ballack is friends with O’Brian and is approaching the car to say hi. When they spot Balak, Tabitha jumps out of a car into a bush. When Pamela later asks Tabitha why she’s such a white man’s whore, Tabitha explains that deep-throating every white man she encounters is her ticket to the good life. Pamela is like:
While on a date a few days later, Ballack informs Tabitha that he’s being transferred to Germany for work and wants her to come with him. Tabitha is not pleased by this and promptly tells him:
She convinces him to relocate to France instead and he agrees on the condition that she becomes his wife. She agrees but keeps the marriage lowkey so she can keep scamming white men.
Meanwhile, Pamela has a Nigerian fiancé named Ben, who has travelled to the UK to do some wedding shopping. When he gets back, Pamela picks him up from the airport and drives him home so she can check out all the wedding stuff. As she’s excitedly trying on the wedding dress, some random woman comes in and introduces herself as Ben’s fiancée.
Shocked by this revelation, Pamela passes out, halfway into trying the wedding dress she thought was hers. This experience is Pamela’s villain origin story. The next time we see her, a year has passed and she has become a happening babe, teaching her friend from the village, Elsie, how to get white men.
We’re introduced to a new character named Peggy (Funke Akindele) who’s an old friend of Tabitha. Peggy has been taken home by her boyfriend to meet his parents because he wants to her marry her but they kick her out when they find out she’s an illiterate secondary school dropout who can’t read. Determined to better herself, she forces her way into Tabitha’s life.
Tabitha informs Pamela that she’s throwing a party for her husband who’s returning from France. Pamela attends the party expecting to see Ballack and is shocked as hell when Tabitha introduces ANOTHER white man named Andre as her husband.
Tabitha explains that Andre is her second husband, and that neither one of her husbands knows about the other. Pamela gives Tabitha three gbosa and goes back to the party to find her own white man. They later fight when Pamela is unsuccessful with her quest and Tabitha refuses to hook her up with white men.
Peggy is also at the party hunting for white men when her Nigerian boyfriend (who was also there trying to pick up girls) sees and breaks up with her, throwing her out of his house in the process. She tries to move in with Tabitha but gets a swift:
So she worms her way into living with Pamela.
Pamela goes to her usual salon to make her hair and is told that the salon no longer caters to spinsters. She’s told that the salon will now be catering solely to the wives of white men, a decision made by a group of women who call themselves THE WHITE MEN’S WIVES LEAGUE.
I paused the movie at this point because I had to:
This infuriates Pamela so much, she resorts to chatting with white men online in a cybercafe in an attempt to bag a white man. She starts chatting with a man named Carter Walsh, gets engaged to him without knowing what he looks like, and gets super excited when he says he’s flying to Nigeria to see her.
Carter Walsh ends up being a 72-year-old man who sounds like Dracula with a sore throat and Pamela is disgusted.
After shaming Carter for being hella old, Pamela is about to leave when Carter makes her an insane offer.
She turns down his offer at first but later accepts after a run-in with Tabitha makes her super desperate. She takes him home to introduce him to her parents and while her dad is screaming in confusion about his daughter wanting to marry the crypt keeper, Carter has a heart attack and fucking DIES IN THEIR LIVING ROOM.
Peggy meets an Indian man at a supermarket who she hilariously refers to as Indiana Jones and invites him for lunch at her place. Knowing that Pamela won’t approve — because she’s still staying at Pamela’s house — Peggy convinces Elsie to slip a sleeping drug into Pamela’s food. The movie just glosses over this like it’s not a fucking horrible thing to do to a person.
Indiana Jones shows up, smelling like he fell into vat of liquid garlic, which makes Elsie and Peggy quietly go:
Peggy is still desperate for a white husband so she keeps seeing Indiana Jones. She goes to his house to bump genitals but can’t go through with it because his bedroom stinks.
She decides that a life of garlic stench is not worth it and leaves.
Things take a turn for the supernatural IN THE FOURTH FUCKING MOVIE when a close friend of Tabitha named Phina reveals to Peggy and Pamela that Tabitha has used jazz to steal all their spiritual destinies. Phina takes them to a babalawo she claims can help. To free their destinies and also acquire the power to entice any white man they choose, the babalawo instructs Peggy to sleep in a cemetery for three days straight without eating or showering, and tells Pamela to bury a three-month old baby alive.
He also gives Pamela special makeup (powder and lipstick), telling her not to let anyone else use it. In typical Nollywood fashion, Elsie comes into Pamela’s room one day looking for powder and uses the special one. Elsie starts getting propositioned by random white men on the road and Pamela gets the hilarious side effect of being SUPER MEGA HORNY ALL THE TIME.
They go back to the babalawo to reverse the horniness and he’s says the only way to do that is to sleep with a man. Pamela is relieved because that seems easy enough but then babalawo adds that the man she sleeps with has to be the only person she sleeps with for the next seven years. The consequence of straying is death.
Meanwhile, Elsie has taken advantage of her new found white man attraction powers and has moved in with O’Brian, the white man Pamela was seeing before all this happened. Pamela begs Elsie to leave O’Brian for her but Elsie is like:
Pamela proceeds to spend her days harassing men on the street to have sex with her.
Peggy’s own jazz backfires too and her left leg turns into a block of wood covered in sores (?)
If you’re wondering what happens to Tabitha, her first husband, Ballack, returns to the country unannounced and catches her with her second husband.
They both storm out, leaving her in a puddle of tears.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
No shade, but Ian Fleming, the author of the James Bond series, has been real quiet since this movie was released.Some would say it’s because he died 40 years before “State of Emergency” was released but I say it’s because he knew he’d never write anything better.
The movie starts with a team of FBI officers storming a house whose occupants they believe are in danger of being killed. In typical Nigerian fashion, they get there late, and the victim, the teenage daughter of the commissioner of health, is already dead as hell.
Detective officer Smith (Saint Obi) — that’s what the character introduces himself as — is pissed that they didn’t get there in time and yells at his superior, the leader of the team, because of this. They proceed to have a dick measuring contest.
At the scene of another murder, Smith notices a sign drawn on the floor in blood.
Because it’s an omega sign, I wonder if Darkseid (from the DC universe) is behind the killings. The movie proves me wrong when Smith leaves the crime scene without permission and goes home to stare at an old photograph.
While Smith’s superiors are yelling at him for leaving the crime scene without telling anyone, the killers go to the house of the state governor and fill his daughter’s chest with bullet holes. When the police team get to the governor’s house, the governor is like:
And even though the FBI are sympathetic, one of them has a look on his face like he’s itching to say:
Smith sees the omega sign again and informs his superior of his findings, adding that the same bullets used to kill the governor’s daughter (bullets only used by the military) are the same as the bullets used to kill the other victim.
As Smith is talking, I wonder what alternate reality this movie takes place in because, in my almost 3 decades alive, I’ve never met a Nigerian law enforcement agent so good at their job. When Smith is done talking, his superior looks at him for a few seconds and goes:
And I was like, “Yes. This is the level of incompetence I’m accustomed to.”
Smith goes to talk to a former soldier he served in the military with and tells this person that he believes an old military squad named Omega 12 are in town murdering people. He says that his superiors don’t believe him, which is insane because at NO POINT did he tell his superiors this. The retired soldier (whose name is never mentioned) yarns a lot of okoto that basically boils down to this:
Officer Smith gets word that an event which will be attended by a bunch of politicians is set to hold at the National Arts Theatre.
National Arts Theatre?? REALLY??!
Smith finds out an old friend of his named Kevin is the head of the SSS team in charge of security at the event. Smith tries to convince Kevin to shut down the event because he believes Omega 12 are on their way there. After looking him up and down, Kevin says:
Kevin points out that he doesn’t have the power to call off the event because it was organised by the president. He also says something about Smith putting him in trouble in the past but I can’t remember what exactly because the characters in this movie have too much unnecessary backstory. The event starts and when the camera pans out to show everyone present…
…I once again ask myself why they’re having this event here, seated on a long table on a stage like the family of the couple at a wedding, and not at Aso Rock or some other fancy place.
Just as Smith predicted, the Omega 12 team shows up at the event. They cut off the air conditioner from the main hall and then POORLY disguise themselves as electricians there to fix it.
They totally look like terrorists and not one of these security agents clocked them! They weren’t even searched!
When all members of the squad are in, they whip out a shit load of guns and shoot up the place. Kevin, who is inside the building when this happens, is able to subdue a member of the squad close to the door.
Charles (J.T Tom West), the leader of the squad, is like:
So Kevin runs out and tells his men to fall back. While all this is happening, we’re shown the FBI control room and it’s literally just an early 2000s music recording studio, complete with speakers and a control board.
THEY DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO CHANGE IT UP! LMAO!
To make things worse, the FBI guy asks the control room agents to patch him into National Arts Theatre communications system so he can speak to the terrorists. So they hand him a MICROPHONE!
When the terrorists don’t respond, they remember that Smith mentioned something about a terrorist attack so they send for him. He shows up and gets Charles to talk.
Charles demands to speak to the president and when Smith says no, he shoots another hostage. When the hostage falls over dead, there’s a huge hole in the crotch areas of his trousers.
This movie’s budget was really N10,000 sha.
It turns out that Omega 12 was a super secret division of the military used by the Nigerian government to do horrible things in war-torn countries around Africa. At some point, they were abandoned behind enemy lines in Angola and left for dead. The government denied their existence and moved on. Now the team is back for revenge or something. Smith used to be one of them and that’s how he knows Charles.
The FBI attempts to send a bunch of military men through a tunnel to break into the National Arts Theatre (Lol) to ambush the terrorists but half of them get blown up because the terrorists had the good mind to rig the tunnel with explosives. As all this is happening, members of the press are standing RIGHT THERE getting all the tea.
This entire movie is just filled with insane scenarios.
Honestly, not much happens in this movie. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Kevin offers Smith a cup of coffee and Smith is like:
It’s so pointlessly dramatic because either you want the coffee or you don’t. Jesus.
A whole lot of nothing happens. There’s a terrible CGI shoot out. A bomb scare at a hospital, and the terrorists are captured. Charles tries to escape with a hostage but gets shot in the head by Smith and the movie ends. I need you guys to see the way Charles falls when he’s shot.
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Facebook really is the Pandora’s box of social media websites.
First of all, I want to say thank you to all the awesome people on Twitter who like “So You Don’t Have To” enough to send me potential series fodder. You guys help me keep this insane series running and I would french-kiss every single one of you in gratitude if I could.
Me, vacuuming your tonsils with my tongue, one by one.
So my homeboy and resident Zikoko mad person, Kunle, put me on to this tweet.
And because I like hot garbage, I figured I’d get in my 007 bag and join the group to bring you guys their gist. I thought the group would be private so I had already crafted the persona I would use to get in using my burner Facebook account.
Yes. I have a burner Facebook account.
This was going to be my message to the page’s admin.
“Good afternoon, ma. My name is Jonathan. I’m a man looking to rid myself of the demon who makes me beat my meat every chance I get. I thought getting rid of all my lube would help but that just made me jerk off dry. The friction almost started a fire and now my dick looks like raw meat. Please let me into this group!”
However, turns out the page is open. So I just strolled in and got the info I needed.
The group was created in 2014 by a group of Christian mothers with the aim of making the world a better place for their children.
Imagine being a 5-year-old asking your mum to read you a bedtime story and then she whips out her bible to read you the story of how God struck a man dead for refusing to impregnate his dead brother’s wife.
Even weirder than their mission is the way they spread their message. In attempt to connect with their target audience (the youth), they post weird memes that they think support their cause but really don’t. It makes it seem like the admins of the page are trying to do this:
I scrolled down their page and compiled a list of their (unintentionally) funny posts. You’re welcome.
This gem.
This tweet was made by a famous American Twitter comedian. I’m blown away that that fact didn’t let the admins of this page know that this was a joke.
This isn’t even true.
If this was a ladder — like in the famous Agnes Iro song, “Follow The Ladder” — needing both your hands would make sense. What’s in this picture is a flight of stairs. You only need your legs.
Danny is going through it.
In what decade did teenagers talk like this??
This is more about the dangers of meth than anything else really.
To be engulfed in the throes of masturbation while still having the strength to fight off 15 people is enough reason for the police to have recruited him.
The more you know.
If you have sex with women and the devil has never appeared in the corner of your room mid-coitus, that means you don’t know where the clit is. And to that I say, LMAO.
OH COME ON!
This was the post that made me think that the admins are trolling people. “We can beat it together”?! Could a joke be more obvious??
Kings. Don’t forget to ask the important questions before wifing her.
Don’t just ask if she knows how to do the gluck gluck 3000. Also, ask if she’s ever gone spelunking in her sin cave.
SDSHGDHGSJDJKHFJKSDHKJSHJ!
AMEN(?)!
Did they have to use nuns to illustrate this??
The people who run this page believe unnecessary ejaculation is a sin and is tantamount to abortion. I guess that episode of Family Guy where Stewie meets his unborn brother, Bertram, in Peter’s testicles was scientifically accurate.
This image is going to haunt my dreams forever.
Why is the guy wanking on the beach in broad daylight? Why is he right in front of the ocean like he’s trying to flash passing mermaids? The look on that drawing of God’s face. LMAO.
Last but not the least, I present to you, the group’s profile picture.
You guys. I need to go lie down. This entire thing has made me dizzy.
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![[video-to-gif output image]](https://im.ezgif.com/tmp/ezgif-1-108191e84cf6.gif)
![VIDEO] BBNaija Reunion 2021: 'How I Got Entangled With Brighto'](https://tbzjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/dorathy-brighto.jpg)
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