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Kcee released the music video of his Ojapiano remix with One Republic in March 2024, but that isn’t the gist. The gist is that the Nigerian singer said he spent $150,000 (approximately ₦212 million) to bring the video to our screens.
₦212 million is not small money, so we had to watch this visual to see why it costs more than an average Richard Mille wristwatch.
Let’s get into it.
The video opens with a bull skull, which I took to mean two things: a ranch or a “danger zone”. The next scene proved my first theory because it featured a bunch of idle cowboys and cowgirls with hard faces.
The frowning cowboys and girls stare at Kcee as he drives into their area, comes out of his car and presents an old tube vintage TV set to a guy who looks like the ringleader of an upcoming cartel.
I thought I was about to see a drug deal for a moment, but instead, the guy turns on the TV and “Ojapiano remix” begins playing supernaturally. I say “supernaturally” because the TV isn’t plugged into any source of power known to man. As if that isn’t impressive enough, the old-school (AKA black and white) TV starts showing Kcee and Ryan Tedder in very bright colours.
After a few seconds, the others gather to watch, and some take dancing positions.
At this point, I’m confused. One Republic isn’t a country music band or group of cowboys, so why is Kcee meeting cowboys?
Also, the white folks watching Kcee on the TV are on one side, but the all-black women dancers remain on the other side. The reason for this segregation is unclear. But let’s move on.
In the next scene, Kcee appears in a stable. But he’s the only one there. Where are the horses? If they wanted a stable scene so badly, why didn’t they make it look finer in a “too-good-for-horses” way. I mean, they had$150,000 to spend.
The video continues with Kcee and the dancers dancing and dancing. The others watching the performance on TV did so for the remaining two minutes of the video until the music video ended abruptly.
I have so many questions, but the one that confuses me most is why Kcee presented the TV to the cowboys. What did that symbolise?
For a song about being a boss man and money spender, the “Ojapiano remix” music video feels more like a lacklustre countryside adventure. Maybe the $150k included his flight costs to America because nothing else in the visual supports that claim.
I’ll conclude by saying: “Ojapiano” should have been left as it is —a street anthem without 18 seconds of Ryan Tedder’s vocals and its overpriced music video.
I’ve wanted nothing to do with Tyler Perry since Acrimony, but after I saw Kelly Rowland rocking fire wigs and fits in the trailer for his latest work, Mea Culpa, I was sold for that reason alone.
“A criminal defence attorney takes on the case of a seductive artist accused of murdering his girlfriend, but when burning desire takes hold, things get hot and dangerous.”
— The movie’s synopsis on Netflix.
And my first question is, people didn’t know it would be bad after reading that synopsis?
Let’s get into it.
The movie opens in classic Tyler Perry fashion: A therapist talking to a couple who have no real intention of solving their problems.
Mea (Kelly Rowland) is zoned out AF from the conversation until the therapist and her husband, Kal (Sean Sagar), bring her back. We quickly learn that Kal is a mummy’s boy who also has problems setting boundaries with his childhood friend/female bestie, Jenna.
Kal gets a call then announces they have to leave for his mum’s birthday dinner. Mea shuts that down and stays back for the rest of the session. After Kal leaves, she reveals her husband is jobless AF, doesn’t want his family to know and has attachment issues with his mum because she has cancer. Chale, I was already stressed!
The movie then cuts to Mea’s arrival at Kal’s mum’s birthday dinner. She meets a colleague, Mannie, who says he’d love her to meet a popular visual artist, Zyair Malloy, who’s facing murder charges and needs a badass defence attorney. She’s hesitant but agrees to a meet-up.
Finally, we meet Mummy Kal (Kerry O’Malley) AKA Azalia and she… looks nothing like anyone who has her days on earth numbered. And if you’re wondering why she’s white with black kids, you should know the movie does nothing to answer this question.
Oh, Mummy Kal is nasty as hell because why TF did she invite Jenna to the party and have the audacity to sit her right next to Kal?
Mea spends the night playing catch-up with her friend and sister-in-law, Charlise, at the far end of the table. We barely see food on the table, but there’s enough passive aggression and performative action from the family members to fill them up.
Next, we see jobless Kal give his mum an expensive wristwatch and go: “It’s from Mea and I”.
The dinner-from-hell finally wraps, and the family members trickle out of the restaurant. Charlise wants to know why there’s paparazzi and finds out they’re here for Zyair, the artist accused of murdering his Mexican boo.
He’s also selling off Zyair’s artwork in his house.
The ride home is intense. Kal reveals he had to sell the piano to afford mummy’s lil birthday watch. At this point, we can tell Mea is over his bullshit.
After the chaotic events of the previous night, we see Mea at her workplace, where she’s one of the baddest legal bitches running things. Zyair has come to get her to take his case, but she quickly tells him she probably wouldn’t since her brother-in-law is prosecuting.
Zyair makes a case for his innocence, and Mea says she’ll consider it.
We don’t know if it’s the same day or the next, but we see Mea and Charlise taking a walk after a dance class. On the other side of the road, a group of angry white women protest the continued display of Zyair’s artwork at a gallery.
Mea uses the opportunity to tell her sister-in-law she’s taking up his case, and our good sis is completely against it.
Next, we see Mea in defense-attorney mode.
Like her sister-in-law, Kal wants her to drop the case. And the following ensues:
The movie takes us to Zyair’s studio apartment, where Mea confronts him with evidence suggesting he’s guilty AF, and she’ll only represent him as long as he tells her the truth. Classic “defence attorney of a murder suspect” move.
The entire scene plays out rather annoyingly thanks to Zyair’s raging hormones that stain every interaction with Mea unprovoked.
After a long and tiring AF day, Mea gets home to a cancer-ridden Mama Kal, who after chemotherapy, came to rescue her jobless son from “endless takeouts”. We also see the brother-in-law. So, it’s a complete gang-up cosplaying as a family dinner.
Of course, Mea was on the menu, and they ate her so bad with their demand:
It’s at this dinner that Mea finds out her brother-in-law is running for mayor and hopes to score votes by sending Zyair’s ass to jail.
Mea calls on her private investigator, Jimmy — who has feelings for her but tails her husband and reports on his activities — for her new case.
Mea and her brother-in-law battle it out in front of a judge who succumbs to the idea of close relatives on both sides of the case.
In the next scene, we see why Mea believes so much in Jimmy’s ministry. Mans dug beneath the crux of Mother Earth herself to find statements from Zyair’s exes detailing their rather gruesome sexual experiences with him.
See for yourself:
And in Zyair’s defence?
Mea to Jimmy:
The night wraps with Mea sending Jimmy off to Mexico to find out more about Zyair’s murdered lover.
After Jimmy leaves, Mea joins Zyair on the rooftop and he tries to plead his case… yet again:
Jimmy calls Mea from Mexico and says there’s hardly any information or investigation around Zyair’s murdered lover. He promises to keep digging.
After what seemed like ages, we see Kal again. And for the first time in the movie, we’re teased with a potential genital slam-a-thon that ends before it has a chance to get either party wet.
Later that day, Mea meets with her client for more questioning about the case. Before long, we see an attorney vs client Q&A session crumble into what you see below:
Mea eventually comes to her senses, asks to leave and agrees when Zyair offers to drop her home. And just when I thought we’d be treated to the over-flogged but hot AF “damsel on okada” scene, Mea sees Zyair’s power bike and:
On the train ride home, Mea’s head is flooded with images of the near-mekwe encounter with Zyair. She gets home and tries to replace the ungodly images, but Kal is disappointment personified.
The next morning, Kal shows up at Mea’s office with flowers, but she’s less than impressed. She tells him she’s got stuff to do, and right in the middle of the exchange, Zyair walks in.
He does the most passive-aggressive takeover ever, placing his hand on Mea’s waist, not minding her husband’s presence.
Kal’s response:
Kal is pressed AF but even his meanest looks don’t stop Zyair from telling his attorney they need to head back to his house where he’ll feel more comfortable to open up.
Mea protests the idea, but Zyair is out of her office quicker than she can convince him to stay the fuck back.
She does his bidding and shows up, but Zyair is far from impressed. He calls Mea out on her bullshit, claiming she’s attracted AF to him but denies it.
He says he can’t trust her any longer and doesn’t want her as his lawyer. Mea remains unfazed and tells him off.
Zyair walks Mea out of his house and ends up in an underground orgy-styled nightclub with enough ashawo lighting to blind any human being.
Mea returns home to find Kal too engrossed in a virtual shoot-out with his bestie, Jenna, to notice her presence in the room. Mea is riled up AF and retires to her home office. She gets a call from Maddie, who told her about Zyair in the first place. Maddie apologises on behalf of Zyair and begs Mea to stay on his case.
Next, we see Mea at Zyair’s, and he’s quick to apologise for his behaviour. She makes it clear that, even though her marriage has issues, she’s not some cheap slut to be seduced by an artist about to lose his career.
Tell me why this sneaky ass nigga still tries to get in Mea’s pants right after? She still turns him down.
Enters a random naked white chick.
Who proceeds to swallow the shit out of Zyair’s cock in Mea’s presence.
Mea tries to leave but not before Zyair did some shit to stall the elevator and make her witness his near-cum state.
Mea keeps the horny in check and storms out. In her car, our good ol’ investigator, Jimmy, calls to inform her that he saw her husband go into a hotel room with Jenna. Mea loses her shit, returns to Zyair and sets the motion for what’ll go down as one of the nastiest genital rogbodiyan to air on television.
She walks in on Zyair and the white babe and takes over, chewing his lips with the anger of her recent discovery.
Before things get too far, she somehow regains her senses and wants Zyair to take her home. Mea jumps on the motorbike she refused earlier, and there’s a cute “Riding with my man” moment:
They drive through the city and return right back to Zyair’s house for the messiest paint sex that could only be a desperately sex-starved person’s unlived fantasy.
Mea gets to work the next morning, and her husband and sister-in-law almost pounces on her for going MIA. She also learns that while she was getting her kpekus pounded, Kal and his other family members were at the hotel with Mama Kal, who’d asked to be moved somewhere closer to the hospital.
Mea regrets her genital rogbodiyan from the night before and realises her private investigator gave her the wrong info. She’s guilt-ridden and struggles to look Kal in the eyes.
Mea goes to Zyair’s house and tells him she wants out as his defence attorney.
She also meets Jimmy and tells him he got his info all wrong.
The scene that comes up next shows a bunch of angry white women protesting in front on the gallery. Mea comes to the gallery to meet one of Zyair’s exes, Renee Hester Welson.
Enters the ex:
Without wasting time, Renee imposes herself as the bad bitch and gives a rundown of how Zyair has played Mea.
Turns out the little paint sex stunt he pulled is an old trick he’s recycled with exes. Renee also tells Mea that the painting of herself on his ceiling has layers of all the women he’s been with underneath.
In the next sequence, Mea lets herself into Zyair’s house and marches straight to the room where he dickmatised her.
She peels off the painting of herself on the ceiling and sees the layers of other women’s paintings.
She doesn’t stop until she gets to a painting of the ex he was accused of murdering.
Zyair tries to explain, but Mea isn’t having any of his bullshit stories. She makes to leave but he refuses to start the elevator, throwing in a subtle threat that he would tell the world about their rendezvous.
Mea tells him she also plans to tell the truth about what went down between them. Seeing he’s been beat, Zyair retreats and watches Mea leave.
She gets in the elevator and screams the loudest fucking “Start the elevator” that makes it clear she’s not playing.
As if the day hasn’t been long enough, Mea and Kal arrive at his brother’s house, where other family members have gathered to spill tea. What ensues next is a messy AF tell-all where Kal’s family find out he’s been jobless for a while, and Mea tells Kal that Zyair stuck his joystick in her honeypot.
Mama Kal after Mea’s confession:
Mea only gets support from Charlise. Feeling defeated, she leaves.
After this rather chaotic night, we see Mea at a bar in Santa Domingo trying to put the past behind her. Her “Me time” is cut short when a TV announcer says Zyair, who’s been chilling in prison, has agreed to take a plea deal. Right after, she gets a call from Jimmy, who’d been worried sick about her.
Still on the island, we see Mea running. She bumps into a waiter who looks familiar AF.
She realises the girl is Zyair’s allegedly murdered ex. Enters: Hot chase.
Unsuccessful in her chase and attempt to get the police involved, Mea calls Ray to tell him what she just saw with her two korokoro eyes. Ray promises to get his investigator to accost Hydie.
Later, Mea returns from Santa Domingo and heads straight to Ray’s house, where the entire family has gathered… yet again. Mama Kal is everything but welcoming, but Ray calms her down. Mea learns Kal is on his way over, and Ray’s investigator is on his way to Santa Domingo.
Jimmy calls Mea and tells her to check her email. We don’t know what’s in the email, but it sends Mea into shock. In the kitchen, where she stands flabbergasted, she spots a door leading to a room with a red light and approaches it. Inside, Mea sees a painting she so eagerly peels off, and sees her sister-in-law’s face. Just as she exits, Mama Kal bumps into her and deliberately crushes her phone.
Everything goes downhill from here.
In the kitchen, Ray, Mama Kal and Mea’s bestie move weird. Ray tries to get Mea to down a glass of obviously poisoned wine. Mea doesn’t. She’s also wondering why Kal is yet to show up, but her bestie tells her to join in making dinner. When Mea grabs a knife to cut vegetables, Mama Kal yanks it off.
When Ray returns, Mea asks for an update and learns his investigator has found Hydie. She says they should contact a judge but he says it’s better to wait till the next day. Mea then tells Ray to check his mail. The earlier message from Jimmy was confirmation that Mama Kal isn’t a cancer patient.
In quick succession, we find out the only reason we’ve sat through yeasty paint sex scenes and this entire fuckery is because the family cooked shit up to help Ray win an election.
Make it make sense.
It’s at this moment we also learn Charlise cheated on Ray with Zyair, and he’s known the entire time, which is why he had a copy of her painting in his little red room.
Mea tells Charlise they need to get TF OUT. But what ensues is a stressfully choreographed kitchen fight that ends with Charlise getting stabbed to her untimely death, and Mea running for dear life down the streets of Amrica.
Kal FINALLY shows up, and Mea is more than relieved. She gives him a rundown of the horror she just witnessed and gets into his car.
Kal makes a phone call to the police, but unknown to Mea, he’s actually on a call with his brother.
Mea notices they’re driving back to the hellhole she just escaped from and is confused AF. She turns on the Bluetooth speaker and realises Kal is on the phone with his brother and is driving her back to her death. She tries to rile him up by hailing Zyair as the senior odogwu with more money, but this mini outburst ends quickly with a thunderous slap on her face.
Mea stays in the passenger seat, stewing in her defeat, when she sees a trailer approaching and has a lightbulb moment.
This happens next:
Ray gets arrested by the police and Zyair finally regains his freedom.
Just as the film prepares to wrap, Mea resurfaces since she tried to unalive herself, and watches in a corner as Zyair walks away a free man.
When she turns to go about her business, she gets a genital meet and slam invite cosplaying as a “thank you message” from Zyair, but she does the “I’m so over your BS” thing ever and thrashes the phone.
If you’ve been on X in the last 24 hours, you’d have seen videos of an African-American woman narrating her marital experience in a 50-part TikTok series tagged “Who TF Did I Marry?” I wasn’t interested until I caught a snippet where she called her ex:
Naturally, I wanted to ask for the day off and focus on all 50 parts, but I’m a slave to capitalism and can’t be AWOL for eight hours of a working day. So, I decided to focus on the first 10 parts.
Don’t worry, it has enough drama to make you ask “Why are men?”
Let’s get into it.
Part one opens and Reesa Teesa introduces the series which sums up her tumultuous marriage. She quickly makes it clear that names will remain anonymous, and when you see her shining teeth, it’s a coping mechanism to help her get through without breaking down. God, abeg.
Now, let’s call the man Mr A. Reesa met him before the world entered the coronavirus lockdown in 2020. They’d been texting each other online and decided to take things to the next level. Cue: Physical meet-up.
Reesa’s car chose to act up on the day the Lord had made, but what’s a true love story when the damsel is not in hot rogbodiyan?
Mr A showed up and showed out. He was the complete gentleman who fixed her car, handled the bill and still took her on the date.
Reesa was impressed, and things picked up real sweet afterwards. Sadly, coronavirus came into the picture unprovoked, forcing the world into lockdown. But even lockdown and COVID couldn’t stop their love wantintin. Reesa and Mr A decided he should move into her apartment for quarantine because he had a smaller space.
Again, Mr A picked up most of the bills in the house quicker than anyone could blink, leaving out just a few for Reesa. Our lady was impressed. She’d never been with a perfectly gentle Odogwu who’d made it his life’s assignment to spoil her silly.
Thanks to the lockdown, they spent a lot of time together and got to know each other on a deeper level. Family, life’s goals and all that shebang.
Reesa learned Mr A has five siblings. He’d always call the oldest every day and plug in the classic Yoruba demon line “Our wife is greeting you,” and Reesa would holler back.
But get this, he never gave her the phone for any direct interaction.
Still in the “Getting to know ourselves better” phase, Reesa learned Mr A came with small baggage. He had an ex-wife and two step kids whom he had a healthy relationship with. His approval ratings went up another notch because a man who’s present in his stepchildren’s lives? A keeper.
Things continued to go well between them, and in May 2020, Reesa got pregnant. They both decided to buy their own house and move in as a proper couple. Again, Mr A took the front row and did the Lord’s work in making their dreams come true.
Enters major red flag number one.
Reesa found out Mr A never carried through with the plans to get a house.
He’d shown her a $750k document confirming he’d been approved for a mortgage and would pay for the house in cash. But when it was time to pay, he’d come up with batshit confusing stories about an offshore account.
Mr A finally returned and claimed he’d made a down payment. But when Reesa called the realtor to confirm, she discovered it was all lies.
The back and forth over the payment continued for weeks until she finally learned the house Mr A claimed he paid for had been bought by someone else.
Here, Reesa admits she should have packed her things and called it quits, but she gave Mr A’s lying ass the benefit of the doubt.
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Fast forward to June, Reesa had a miscarriage that also required a medical procedure to make sure she was alright. Coincidentally, Mr A miraculously was promoted at work and was unavailable.
Reesa had to rely on friends and family to help her get through the phase. He was everything but the loving and caring guy she met months ago.
She finally forgave him and they decided to go house hunting again. This time, Reesa was involved in the entire process and found the perfect house. Mr A offered to pay $699k in cash, and Reesa was beyond flabbergasted.
When Mr A signed an offer for the house in her presence, Reesa was relieved. “He’s probably not lying this time,” She thought.
When the house sellers requested proof of funds to verify if Mr A had $699k cash for the house, the heavy lies returned, forcing both the realtor and sellers to pull out.
Again, Reesa was confused AF because didn’t he just say he had the money in cash? Also, he handled all the bills in the house without fail, so WTF was going on?
While the house-hunting shenanigan was still hanging in the air, Mr A pulled yet another trick. This time, he said he wanted to get a company car and also wanted his baby girl to get one.
Reesa, who drove an old model Nissan, was excited AF and went with him to the car dealership for a day of test driving. Listen, he had her drive everything from BMWs to Audi, Nissan Murano, Ford and Range Rovers. Eventually, she settled for an Audi.
In typical Mr A style, he said he was paying cash for the car, and also told Reesa’s family via Zoom calls that he was getting her a car.
Mr A asked the dealership if he could pay a holding fee to show commitment before he settled the rest of the fee. He later called Reesa and told her he’d paid for the Audi and gave her an expected delivery date.
Delivery day came, and Reesa was all excited to take delivery of her car within the hours of 1-3 p.m. Mr A promised.
It was finally 3 p.m. and there was no car, no calls from a delivery guy, just pin-dropping silence. Reesa called Mr A and went “It’s 3 O’clock. The car never came. Do I need to call Audi myself?”
Mr A was pissed AF, got defensive and said the delivery truck is stuck somewhere and would be delivered by the weekend. The weekend came, and there was still no car.
At this point, Reesa was tired of his BS and dragged him for filth.
Part 10 wrapped up with Reesa passing on his offer of a car, insisting she’d buy one when she could afford it.
At this point, she realised she was with a man who got his high from making promises he knew damn well he’d never fulfil.
If you’re invested in this story that is absolutely not your business, there are 40 more episodes to binge-watch when you have six hours that you’re not using.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.
The following tweet is my official intro for this article.
Let’s get into it.
The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.
After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??
The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe — one of the kids from the opening scene — now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.
TEN BANKS?!
So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.
In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:
As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:
Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.
Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”
While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.
After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.
Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:
Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.
Ayo shows up, but to no one’s surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).
The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.
Y’all. Look at this disguise.
I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since Lupin. Jesus Christ.
I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.
Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:
Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.
But Dera is like:
Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.
Zara freaks the fuck out.
She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.
Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.
Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group’s vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.
This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.
Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…
…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.
Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.
And that’s when I clock what’s happening.
The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:
The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.
Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.
Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping “A Weekend to Forget.”
“The reunion of seven friends takes a deadly turn when old tensions resurface, leading to a murder. Trust is shattered, turning friends into enemies, and they must unravel the mystery behind the murder.”
– The movie’s synopsis on Prime Video
The movie starts with a man named Chief Ajasa (Akin Lewis) stepping out of an elevator and lighting a Cuban cigar right in front of a no-smoking sign. This is so you know he’s a villain who doesn’t give a shit about rules.
The movie then cuts to another guy named Asaolu (Francis Onwochei) in a hotel room having a genital meet & greet with an unnamed girl. He’s so engrossed in his genital bump session that he doesn’t notice two enormous men dressed in all black enter the room.
By the time he notices, it’s too late. The enormous men grab him by his boobs and toss him around.
Chief Ajasa has orchestrated this. He’s pissed because Asaolu was supposed to give him a business contract but gave it to someone else. So he’s decided to retaliate by doing this:
I haven’t been more gagged by the opening of anything since Game of Thrones‘ pilot episode hit viewers with the insane combo of incest and child murder.
After a title card, we meet Chief Ajasa’s daughter, Lisa (Uche Montana), a popular vlogger (?), and her boyfriend, Bem (Neo Akpofure). Bem has come to pick Lisa up so they can go on a weekend trip with a few of their friends. Chief Ajasa is there to say goodbye to Lisa when he notices the car Bem arrived in and is like:
Chief Ajasa suggests they take his SUV since he doesn’t like the idea of his precious daughter riding in Bem’s rickety ass car. Bem and Lisa agree to this and immediately get in and drive off.
Next, we meet Tito (Stan Nze) and Nodal (Erica Nlewedim). Tito is the newest Nollywood star on the scene, and Ndali is his manager/girlfriend. When the movie introduces them, they’re at a product placement photoshoot for Lord’s dry gin, and Tito is showing more boob than a horny teenager in a low-budget slasher film.
Can my fellow Ayesha Erotica fans in the house MAKE SOME NOISE!!!
When the photoshoot is done, Tito and Ndali head out for the weekend trip.
Next we meet Shima (Daniel Etim Effiong) and Layo (Ini Dima-Okojie). They’re married, and their childlessness is an ever-present elephant in the room because Layo wants one, but Shima kinda doesn’t. In their first scene, Layo has just gotten off a phone call with her mother.
Lastly, we meet Ferdinand (Elozonam Ogbolu), Bem’s cousin and wealthy playboy who has planned this weekend trip. Ferdinand welcomes everyone to the house he’s rented for them to party in, dressed in a cunty ass bathrobe.
There’s some tension in the group when everyone finds out Bem is coming. Shima especially makes it clear that he hates Bem’s guts.
Ferdinand takes them on a tour of the house and describes it like it’s about to be Wolf ofWall Street/The Great Gatsby levels of partying up in there, but it’s just a regular Airbnb with a few bottles of alcohol on the centre table.
What follows is an almost three-minute sequence of the most boring partying I have ever seen. The way it’s filmed is even weirder, soundtracked by KCee’s Ojapiano and with enough slow motion to shock Zack Snyder. There is one excellent shot of Ferdinand drinking champagne underwater, so I’ll just post that.
Later that day, Lisa is in the kitchen getting a bottle of water when Shima walks in and asks her how she’s been. It’s revealed that Shima is a lying bastard who dated Lisa for eight months and then ghosted her…while still married to Layo. Shima tries to gaslight her by saying:
And Lisa responds by gagging him.
She then reveals that she’s pregnant by showing him a picture of a positive pregnancy test kit.
And she threatens to tell Layo.
In the next scene, Lisa notices a giant butterfly tramp stamp on Tito’s lower back. She immediately recognises him as Jay Rocker, a famous pornstar from Xvideos, and even says she has one of his videos saved on her phone. Tito denies this with all the energy of Michael Jackson denying the plastic surgery allegations and storms off. He informs Ndali that he’s about to be exposed, and she promises to handle it.
She threatens Lisa with a defamation suit, and their interaction goes like this.
Not long after this, this happens:
Sizwe Bansi Lisa is dead. Layo, who is a doctor, checks the body and says it’s murder. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in a classic whodunit.
Things get messy as hell from here.
Tito decides to leave because he can’t have his rising star extinguished by being involved in such a scandal. Bem locks the doors and screams that none of them can leave until they figure out who murdered Lisa because he will not be suffering the wrath of Chief Ajasa by himself.
Remember Chief Ajasa? It seemed like he would be a big part of this movie, huh?
Anyway, Tito tries to fight Bem for the keys but gives up when Bem retaliates by slashing Tito’s arm with a knife.
While Layo helps treat Tito’s wound, Ndali steals Lisa’s phone so she can delete Tito’s videos.
Let’s talk about this pornstar subplot for a bit.
If Lisa didn’t recognise Tito’s face when she met him for the first time and used the butterfly tattoo to clock him, that means Tito doesn’t show his face in any of the porn videos he made. This also means that Lisa’s death lets him off the hook because she was the only one who knew.
Another thing is Lisa stated she downloaded the video from XVideos, which means that all Titos videos are pretty much on every free porn site already.
So why is Ndali still trying to delete the video?
Shima is looking for bandages to help with Tito’s wound when he finds a positive pregnancy test kit in Layo’s box. He assumes it’s the one Lisa showed him a picture of and that Layo knows of his affair. So he goes to the living room and confesses to her in front of everyone. It turns out that Layo had no idea, and the pregnancy test is hers. She was going to surprise him with the news later. She’s pregnant, which is cool, but she also just found out her husband be cheating, so damn.
Bem sees this as a motive for Shima to have murdered Lisa, but Shima insists he was in his room with Layo, and she backs him up. Ferdinand asks Bem to relax, and Bem replies by throwing accusations Ferdinand’s way. Ferdinand asks what his motive is, and Bem says:
Ferdinand is like:
And he’s right. Bem throws his accusation as if Lisa knew about it and was going to expose Ferdinand. But we never know if she did because the movie never establishes this.
Shima, Tito, and Ferdinand are plotting to pin the murder on Bem when an alarm on Lisa’s phone goes off, and the phone is found in Tito’s pocket. Bem brandishes his knife at Tito, demanding to know why Tito has Lisa’s phone, so Tito confesses that he used to do porn before he became famous. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Bem unlocks Lisa’s phone, and the first thing that pops up is the porn video. Bem somehow recognises Tito in the video — even though no one’s face is showing — and recoils in horror.
Because how does he know it’s Tito if he’s not a fan?
Knowing that he looks guilty as hell, Tito tries to pin the murder on Ndali. And boy, is she pissed when she finds out.
Layo and Ndali later find the murder weapon in Bem’s closet.
After a quick fight to subdue Bem, who kicks all of their asses, Ndali knocks Bem out with a vase. They all decide to pin the murder on him and toss him in the pool to die for some reason. Bem wakes up after landing in the pool, but all the guys hold him under until he drowns in the worst death scene since Talia Al Ghul’s in The Dark Knight Rises.
They place Bem and Lisa in the driver and passenger seats, respectively and roll the car into a ditch, making it look like they both died in an accident. They then clean the house and leave the following day, promising each other never to speak of the weekend’s events. Ndali also breaks up with Tito and drops him as her client.
When Shima and Layo get home, Shima finds a necklace with an L-shaped pendant in his car. He remembers giving it to Lisa while they were dating and suspects Layo is the killer. He confronts her when they’re both in the house, and she’s like:
Layo explains that she didn’t plan the murder but was driven to madness after confronting Lisa and finding out about the pregnancy. Shima can’t expose Layo because she’s now carrying his child. So the movie ends just like Gone Girl did.
Chief Ajasa sashays back into the movie’s plot and has his men find the car containing Bem and Lisa’s bodies. Then we get this:
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
“The reason one of the taglines for “Saltburn” is “We’re all about to lose our minds” is because that’s exactly what happened to me when I watched these sex scenes from the movie.”
– Me (2023)
If you haven’t seen “Saltburn”, you probably already know what it’s about. Oliver Quick (Barry Keoghan), a student at Oxford on a scholarship, becomes obsessed with Felix Catton (Jacob Elordi), a wealthy and charismatic classmate of his, and proceeds to infiltrate his life, a task that becomes easier for Oliver when Felix invites him to spend the summer at his family’s sprawling estate named Saltburn.
Oliver eventually succeeds by engaging in insane levels of lying and scheming. He also does some things that can only be described as fucking unhinged. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the things I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve seen posts on social media about them. Those scenes are what we’ll be going over today.
The One With The Cum-Flavoured Bathwater
So we’re like forty minutes into the movie at this point, and out of pity, Felix has invited Oliver to spend the summer holiday with him and his family at their estate. Felix and Oliver are staying in adjoining rooms and share a bathroom. One night, Oliver peeps through the bathroom door on his end and finds Felix beating the shit out of his meat in the bathtub.
Oliver finds this hot as hell.
So after Felix sprays his man seed in the bathwater and leaves the bathroom, Oliver has an idea.
He climbs into the bathtub and rubs his face in Felix’s cum-flavoured bathwater.
Just when you think the scene is over, Oliver takes it up a notch by sticking his tongue down the bathtub drain and slurping up what’s left of the cum-flavoured bathwater.
The One With Period Blood
As soon as Oliver arrives at Felix’s family’s estate, Venetia (Alison Oliver), Felix’s sister, takes a weird liking to him. She parades the estate grounds in a see-through nightgown in view of Oliver’s room window, hoping to get his attention, and she does. He comes down to meet her, and after a sexually charged conversation, he says he wants to eat her hairy snail. Venetia isn’t against it but points out that she’s on her period. This doesn’t deter Oliver at all. He looks at her and says…
And proceeds to eat her out, looking like Beelzebub from “End of the Wicked” in the process.
Oliver also feeds her the period blood in what I assume is a kinky display of their power dynamic, but I won’t show you that because I hope to make heaven someday.
The One With The Non-Consensual Genital Meet & Greet
Farleigh (Archie Madekwe), Fexlix’s cousin and classmate at Oxford, is super suspicious of Oliver when Fexlis starts hanging out with him. Farleigh also lives at Felix’s family’s estate and hates that Oliver will be spending the summer there, so he keeps doing things to prove Oliver is a creep, including reporting Oliver to Felix for eating Venetia’s ponmo. Oliver doesn’t like this, so he sneaks into Farleigh’s room one night and straddles him.
Farleigh tries to move, but Oliver holds him with his thighs. He tells Farleigh he doesn’t like how Farleigh’s been acting, asking him to behave. Farleigh responds by saying no twice but says yes the third time. Then Oliver does this…
…and pleasures Farleigh either by handjob or anal sex. The scene is shot in a way that doesn’t make it clear.
The One With Graveyard Sex
This one has a kind of a long setup, but stay with me.
Throughout the movie, Oliver tells Felix (and the Catton family) details about his home life. He says both his parents are poor drug addicts and that his father recently died of an overdose. Felix’s pity for Oliver is why he invites Oliver to stay at his family’s estate over the summer. On Oliver’s birthday, Felix surprises Oliver by driving him to see his mom. What Felix meets is not what he expected: Oliver’s father is alive, his parents are not drug dealers, and they live in a respectable middle-class suburb. Felix is horrified by Oliver’s lies, telling him to fuck off. Felix is found dead the following day.
After Felix’s funeral, Oliver goes to Felix’s grave, lies on it, and cries. This goes on for a while, and you start to feel bad for him until he…
…and starts dry-humping the fresh soil on the grave!
All this happens in the rain, by the way.
Bonus Entry: The Finale
It’s not a sex scene but involves nudity, so I’m throwing it in here. By the movie’s end, Oliver is now the sole owner of Saltburn and the Catton family fortune. How did he do this? By all that lying and scheming I mentioned earlier. Let’s go over it.
He orchestrated the incident that led to him and Felix meeting and poisoned Felix’s drink to avoid being exposed for his lies to the rest of the Catton family. He set Farleigh up for theft, causing the Catton family to kick him out of the house. He orchestrates Venetia’s suicide by suggesting it to her while she’s in the bathtub and leaves razors nearby. Felix’s father, James (Richard E. Grant), dies of a broken heart not long after Venetia’s death, so Felix’s mother, Elspeth (Rosamund Pike), who has taken a liking to Oliver, asks him to live with her permanently.
Elspeth becomes fatally ill a few months later. As she’s on her deathbed, after putting Oliver as the sole heir to the Catton fortune, he reveals to her his role in the series of unfortunate events that have happened to her family. He turns off her ventilator and watches her die. Then he proceeds to do cocaine and dance naked around the mansion — swinging his actual penis, not a prosthetic — to Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s “Murder on the Dancefloor.”
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
“Timi, a gifted clergyman, turns into an old lonely curmudgeon when his family is tragically taken from him. Until Elijah, a humble man with big dreams of becoming a priest, comes into his life. Through Elijah, Timi learns to live again and realises the purpose for all his gifts and wealth.”
– The movie’s synopsis from Prime Video
The movie starts with a CGI scene set in the year 2060. We see an older man in a wheelchair and a woman behind him at a graveyard, staring at a group of holographic tombstones.
I’m excited because I think the movie is set in the future. My excitement disappears when the film takes us back to 1953 and begins a round of narration so fucking long it would give the Cinema Sins guy several heart attacks.
I’m not even kidding. I thought the narrator was there to set the scene and then leave, but he’s a major presence in the movie for at least ONE HOUR.
The narration covers a shit ton of back story for a man named Timi — who the narrator refers to as his father — so I’ll do my best to speed through it.
Timi (Ademola Adedoyin) is an exceptional young Nigerian who is smart and can fluently speak 16 languages. He also has what I can only describe as mutant lungs and can stay underwater without coming up for long periods. The longest amount of time he’s done this for is 57 minutes.
The fact that the American government doesn’t kidnap and run tests on him after this feat is further proof that this movie is taking place in a whole other timeline.
Timi becomes a reverend and marries a woman named Bridget (Eku Edewor).
If you can’t tell, I have an enormous crush on Eku Edewor.
Tragedy strikes when Timi and his daughter are at a carnival and witness a murder committed by a notorious thug hilariously named Baby Fire. Baby Fire is inexplicably wearing the worst-looking civil servant wig you’ve ever seen. Gaze upon it.
Timi agrees to snitch on Baby Fire in court, hoping they can finally put him in jail, but Baby Fire has some powerful white friends and is acquitted. Baby Fire, eager to show Timi that snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, gets back at Timi by kidnapping Timi’s wife and daughter and setting them on fire right in front of him.
After grieving for nine straight days without moving from the spot where his wife and daughter were barbecued, Timi decides to take matters into his own hands since God won’t. He kills Baby Fire and sets Baby Fire’s house on fire to cover his tracks. He then abandons the clergy life, closes down the church, and tries to kill himself in many ways — including drinking a jumbo-sized tub of bleach.
None of the suicide attempts work because God doesn’t want him dead yet (?) Anyway, decades pass, and Timi has aged into a whole other actor.
For those who don’t know, “The Legend of Gatuso” is an unintentionally hilarious and terribly made Nollywood rip-off “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” How THEE Wale Ojo ended up in it will always be one of life’s greatest mysteries. Here’s the movie’s poster.
Look at him posing! Sjdjdhfsjkhfdjhs!
Let’s get back to “Breath of Life.”
Timi has become a grumpy, impatient recluse who’s looking to hire a house manager but can’t stop, won’t stop shooting at the applicants when they annoy him.
Elijah (Chimezie Imo), the movie’s narrator and fresh-eyed Jesus baby, sashays into the movie’s plot. Elijah is here to apply for the position of House Manager and wanders into the house without knocking. Timi asks who the hell Elijah is, triggering Elijah’s asthma.
After a Looney Tunes-style sequence where Timi hires Elijah on the spot and proceeds to make Elijah fry eggs a hundred times until he gets it the way Timi likes, Elijah decides to start a weekly bible study group at the old abandoned church. He knows Timi hates everything related to God and religion, so he holds the bible study during Timi’s siesta times. While sharing flyers at the local hospital to raise awareness for the bible study, he spots a volunteer nurse named Anna (Geneveva Umeh). You can guess what happens next.
Eager to get Anna’s attention but knowing he has no rizz, Elijah emotionally manipulates the hospital’s patients into getting Anna to attend bible study. It works, and Anna shows up at the church after one of the meetings to talk to him. When he tries to reply to her, this happens.
He has his inhaler with him, though, so all’s good. They bond as he walks her home, and they pretty much start dating. Months pass, and they’re at the point where they’re doing this during bible study meetings:
Things are going well until Timi finds out Elijah has been having bible studies behind his back.
Timi threatens to fire Elijah. Elijah begs, and Timi changes his mind. A lot of nothing happens. There’s a touching scene where Timi watches old home movies starring his now-dead wife and daughter. Things take a turn for the unintentionally hilarious when young Timi shows up in a frame of the home movie he’s watching, holding the camera that’s supposed to be recording the film.
At some point, Timi and Elijah bond over reading.
Meanwhile, Anna decides that she MUST meet Timi for some reason. Against Elijah’s wishes, Anna shows up at Timi’s house. Timi has no idea who she is and is like:
Anna refuses to take no for an answer and knocks again. This time, Timi comes out with a gun, causing her to fall like a horror movie final girl and cut her leg. He takes pity on her and brings her in to treat her wound. Elijah returns from a grocery run to see this and dramatically drops a crate of eggs. Anna begins coming to the house more, and Timi is first upset by it.
Then just doesn’t give a shit.
Anna invites Elijah to meet her RICH ASS parents. Her mother, Mrs Okonkwo (Ashionye Michelle-Raccah), is sweet and welcoming but becomes uncomfortable when she finds out that Elijah is the one running the town bible study. We soon find out why when Anna’s father, Mr Okonkwo (Sam Dede), comes in and turns out to be a guy who wants to buy the church to tear it down and build a hotel. Mr Okonkwo asks Elijah to get out of his house. Elijah discovers that to save the church, he has to come up with N49 million.
Yes, this movie has suddenly become a “we have to raise money to save the rec centre” type of thing. Anna tries to get Mr Timi to pay the money in the most entitled way possible.
Timi comes up with a way for them to save the church. It has something to do with colonial land rights. I don’t know. You think the movie is about to end when Elijah has another asthma attack, just as he and Anna are about to bump genitals.
Elijah is taken to the hospital, and it’s revealed that what he thought was asthma was actually his lungs failing. To survive, he’ll need lung transplants. Timi and Anna sit over a plate of unseasoned eggs to cry.
Then Timi decides to legally adopt Elijah, also willing his fortune and donating his mutant lungs to him. He decides that this is the reason God didn’t let him die from his suicide attempts.
The lung transplant is successful, and this happens:
Elijah reopens the church and marries Anna. And the movie ends with him taking his new lungs for a spin.
In my opinion, Big Brother Naija Season 4, AKA Pepper Dem 2019, was the most dramatic of them all.
At the peak of the chaos, Tacha and Omashola had their famous fight in Biggie’s house, and viral music producer and content creator, Lord Sky, flipped the video clip to audio, laid it on an Ogene beat and turned into a banging mp3.
In 2020, Omashola, Tacha and Lord Sky brought some more housemates and friends together to do a music video for what Lord Sky had made. Money that could’ve been spent on COVID-19 palliatives for the poor was lavished on an abuse fest movie.
Lord Sky owned the song; Omashola and Tacha were just sample characters on the beat. So how did it get credited asOmashola’s song featuring others?
P.S: “Chiwawa” is the song title and it’s just Nigerian for “Chihuahua”.
Anyway.
If you didn’t already know you shouldn’t take this song seriously, you’d know from the beginning of the video.
Do I even need to say why?
I can’t tell if this is a high court or a circus. But they’re in a court of law. Are the balls on the judge’s table there to signify that “the ball is in his court” regardless of who’s actually guilty?
Don’t even get me started on the fake Navy officer who can’t tell a court setting from the air force. Or this restless court clerk.
Then comes Lord Sky. We know he was the producer, but why is he cooking in a court? He even brought his piano and Yamaha H8 studio monitors along. Why?
The song finally starts playing as Omashola and Tacha take their oaths. And we see that the video casts Nasty Black as a lawyer, only he’s holding a goat.
I’m not really surprised to see a goat in court because only stubborn people get dragged there anyway.
Next, someone strolls a Chihuahua dog to the front. Confusion gets me for two seconds, then it becomes clear. Remember the animals Omashola and Tacha called each other during their classic fight back then? They’re about to have a refight through an actual goat AKA Lil Sholzy, and Chihuahua AKA Little P Bites.
Little P Bites can fight.
The court audience is shouting, but it’s not clear if they’re rooting for any of these fighters.
Tacha, a defendant in the dock, is quietly thinking what in the fooling is going on. Omashola, a co-defendant obviously not conforming to court rules, is the one taking centre stage and causing drama.
Screams of “Barking dog, Chihuahua, nkiti, nzobu and anofia” mix smoothly with Lord Sky’s beat banging in the background.
A human fight breaks out finally as lawyer Nasty Black puts his finger in the presiding judge’s eyes while his client, Lil Sholzy, sprays documents in the air.
Tacha’s calmness ends, and “She-goat, Chihuahua, anofia” is thrown left and right.
Some of the audience are only there for the entertainment and are getting what they come for. While others focus on their female counterparts, ignoring the foolery around them.
In the midst of the chaos, a dance talent show breaks out. Three guys in shine-shine clothing do a funny routine. Nasty Black and the reigning face of misogyny, Seyi Awolowo, join in.
Female dancers aren’t left out.
The judge joins the circus.
Lord Skye knows the abuse fest won’t end until he calls his guys to set-up to entertain with music.
When Lord Skye begins playing, the spirit of unity falls on everybody. Fight ceases, and they all become cordial.
Lil Sholzy finally escapes and Nasty Black runs after it.
Tacha and Omashola give each other a hi-five and become best friends forever.
The video ends with a message on the screen as Omashola admonishes Little P Bites to stop tensioning Lil Sholzy.
I want to use this medium to thank Lord Skye for being an incredible pacifier, even though he cooked the video clips into a viral hit in the first place.
Thanks to the fighters, Tacha and Omashola, too. Finally, the two adults can rest from calling the names of animals in English and local tongues.
It’s hard to watch movies for leisure these days. But the internet people’s noise over Jagun Jagun couldn’t be ignored. If I didn’t leave X (FKA Twitter) and run to press play, the memes would’ve ruined the experience for me.
Anyway, let’s get into it.
Once I heard the traditional drums and chants, and saw the wide drone shot of a thick forest, I knew I was in for an interesting one. Next thing, there’s a strangely artistic mud house sitting on a rock.
The narrator describes a powerful warrior and jazzman called Ogundiji (Femi Adebayo), and we see him swagger to his throne in a dark fur garment that drags after him. A king looks at him like he’s glaring at God. According to the narrator, Ogundiji is “the messenger of the powerful people.” But this king, who’s supposed to be a powerful client, looks more like an Ogundiji groupie.
An unnamed warrior (Odunlade Adekola) raids a kingdom called Keto, holds the royal family hostage, kills the prince and steals the crown. He draws his sword in the air one last time, but before he can take the king’s head, a weapon comes of from nowhere and butchers his hand off. Blood springs everywhere, Quentin Tarantino style.
Everyone’s shook, including the new amputee himself. It’s Ogundiji in the building. Bully pass bully.
Far away from all the chaos, a young man walks through the forest when he’s suddenly waylaid by a huge tree. He composes himself and talks to the fallen tree, commanding it to let him pass. Lo and behold, the tree stands and gives him the way.
Thankfully, there’s a narrator to read this tree commander’s profile, so I didn’t have to wonder who he is. Gbotija (meaning “Only answer to fights”) is the son of Lagbayi, from a long line of wood carvers. So naturally, he has the power to talk to trees. He’s on his way to enroll in Ogundiji’s School of Warriors, to learn the art of war.
After some training, the time finally comes for the student warriors to go on their first mission — to wage war on a small settlement called Ota Efon. If you’re looking for dark magic that turns day into night and produces cannons of fire, you find it here. You’ll get flying kicks, sword fights and acrobatic moves too. Despite it all, Ogundiji’s trained warriors are met with resistance.
While the war is ongoing, and Ogundiji’s men are suffering defeat, his top generals make merry somewhere in the bush, waiting for their juniors to finish business and come back to them. Ogundiji’s deities notify him of this at home. Sharp-sharp, he goes into his control room to command his killing machine, the demon assassin, Agemo, to win the war for him.
Agemo appears on the battle ground and puts everyone on pause. Then breezes through the warriors to slice and murder the soldiers on the other side. After the war, Ogundiji throws the merry-making generals into prison.
Night falls, and it’s time for dinner — akara and pap. But Gbotija, the tree commander, isn’t having it. Rightfully. After trekking to another town to fight war, and trekking back, why should two people share one akara and pap? Even the agbado era isn’t this heartless (but who knows? God, abeg).
Iroyinogunkitan (meaning “News of war never ends”), Ogundiji’s daughter, makes a scapegoat of Gbotija. They tie him to a tree and beat him black and blue like the Inter Milan jersey. The man has the pain bandwidth of Kunta Kinte, because why did they beat him to a pulp of paper maché, and he still won’t keep his mouth shut?
After the cruel show of supremacy, Iroyinogunkitan asks him to be her friend, giving him these “come and fuck me” eyes.
While Ogundiji’s wife (Fathia Balogun) begs him to forgive the imprisoned generals, one of the junior soldiers, Weyinwo, is busy passing akara and pap to them inside the prison.
Ogundiji catches them red-handed but spares the generals and sentences the junior soldier to burn on a stake. Then he sends his burnt corpse back to his town.
On one side, the kings of the surrounding villages gather to plan their contribution to Ogundiji’s upcoming party. They troll each other about their undeserved thrones, a scene that felt too much like watching Nigerian politicians merry over the national cake.
On the other side, the burnt soldier’s girlfriend seeks a spiritual eye-for-an-eye by sending three ghost gunmen to kill Ogundiji’s wife. Gbotija talks to the dane guns made of wood and the gunmen eventually disappear.
Gbogunmi (meaning “Swallow war”), an alumnus of Ogundiji’s war school, comes to tell Ogundiji he can’t carry out an evil assignment to raid his own wife’s town. Angered, Ogundiji promises to punish him.
Everyone has heard that Gbotija saved Ogundiji’s wife. Gbogunmi befriends him and promises to gift him some charms. As Gbotija’s popularity rises, so does Ogundiji’s hatred for his student. He gives Gbotija a death sentence disguised as promotion tests. First, he tells him to fight Gbogunmi to the death.
Gbotija is victorious and qualifies for the second stage of the test — a seven-day dry fast while locked in a coffin.
Kitan and Gbotija bump genitals in preparation. After seven days, and even though Ogundiji ordered for the coffin to be thrown into a river — in a scene that gave the movie’s CGI budget a run for its money — Gbotija survives. Of course, the coffin is made of wood, and he’s a wood whisperer.
For his last test, Ogundiji sends him to annihilate a town during a Yemoja festival. Gbotija ends up turning their white clothes to blood red.
On his way back to the war school, Agemo attacks him. But why is Ogundiji trying to kill his own apprentice? After asking these questions and playing hide-and-seek in the trees with Agemo, the latter falls hard on a tree branch. Gbotija takes off the demon’s mask, and it’s his babe, Iroyinogunkitan.
As she dies, she reveals how she’s just a kid Ogundiji stole from a village he came to raid. Devastated, Gbojita enters Ogundiji’s compound with her corpse and reveals the cause of her death to Ogundiji’s wife. Their back and forth further reveals that Ogundiji has a son with a regent king in another town. Omo, there’s no greater betrayal than this. But the bombshell is that Ogundiji’s wife actually sacrificed her womb for him to gain powers.
Yet, this OG Yoruba demon has the audacity to ask what she’ll do about it. Ogundiji goes on to brag about his evil powers, and all the towns he’s conquered, when Gbotija realises he destroyed his own town. Ogundiji is the reason why his father had to sacrifice himself for Gbotija to live.
After realising he’s been fighting and killing for his father’s killer, he calls for support. The army divides into two, choosing sides to fight one last battle. During the ensuing chaos, Ogundiji’s wife stabs her husband with Agemo’s knife, demystifying his jazz and allowing Gbotija to finish him off.
It turns out “Jagun Jagun” isn’t about war, but love, betrayal and unchecked power. Gbotija only became a warrior to avenge his father’s death. Ogundiji didn’t value his wife or soldiers, all of whom sacrificed greatly for him.
But it didn’t really end there. Ogundiji’s son (Ibrahim Chatta) hears the bad news and comes running home.
Now that Ogundiji is dead, will his son inherit his fine fur capes and hats, or will they collect dust on a hanger somewhere?
My initial plan was to wait till the weekend, get cozy and enjoy Ijakumo: The Born Again Stripper, a movie that’s brought out the vicious critics in its viewers. But I had zero self-control and bowed to internet pressure. I’d rather have nothing to watch on the weekend than have the whole experience spoiled by Twitter comments. So I ran to Netflix and hit play.
The movie starts with drums and the voices of a group of Ifá women dressed in white, with beads to match, singing in remembrance of a late fellow Ifá initiate.
Enters someone with dreads so long, she has a person packing it for her. I start to ask who this Damien Marley wannabe is. Turns out it’s just Asabi (Toyin Abraham). She sits and the Ifá women welcome her. I’m quite surprised these Nigerian mamas didn’t even comment her hair isn’t part of their culture. Also, I’ve never seen a rasta with Yoruba tribal marks before. This is a discovery.
She enters a room and stands in front of a calendar that tells you it’s a funeral. She stares at it and leaves. On a day she’s allowed to be vulnerable, she chose stoicism.
Next, she’s at what appears to be her mother’s tombstone. She puts one 2006-ass rubber flower on it. No one’s mad at it sha. The dead can’t touch flowers, and real flowers will wither anyways.
The title card quickly comes and goes. Asabi is now on a mountain, touching the rock and having flashbacks of her younger self lying on the same mountain, in pain and covered in blood.
I still don’t understand what’s going on, but she’s now in her house, looking at data of different babes. I’m thinking two things:
She’s a pimp
She’s into women
It turns out she’s neither. But she has her eyes on one of the girls — a Sharon from Uganda. And even though Asabi’s workers urged her to pick another babe, Sharon is her choice for an extraction mission. This is a stressful scene. But Asabi money has to waste, why not hire from Uganda?
Next scene is in a church. Singing and dancing, everywhere. Then the pastor, Olujide (Kunle Remi), comes to the altar to scam believers of their dollars.
After service, Mary (Lolade Okusanya), the church’s chorister, comes to seek financial help, but Pastor Olajide turns her to God for support. Mo’fucker wants to eat all the dollars alone. Smh.
Then, we find out that Jide is a pastor by day, crime syndicate member by night. And… the syndicate is his church’s investor.
What’s this world coming to?
He faces the syndicate.
He’s spending their money, buying properties, but he explains he’s not stealing. They aren’t having it.
The syndicate boss (act by Bimbo Akintola) vexes, reminds Jide she’s his god and blasphemy won’t be allowed. But what’s the effect of her Scorpion-from-Mortal-Kombat-ass voice? Not even Jide in her presence is afraid. Lol.
Pastor Jide, angry at the elders still talking to him like he hasn’t leveled up from the Jide that came from Abeokuta, heads straight to the strip club to calm his nerves. He sees Sharon with a big bum bum — yes, the same Sharon that Asabi (from the beginning) chose — and he’ll do anything to get her.
Jide starts to force himself on her, and when she won’t let him have his way, he removes her masks but mistakes her for Mary, his church choir mistress. The creep pastor frightens the babe off. He heads home with that horniness and delivers a hot fok to Mummy G.O.
Another day, another morning, another direction. In typical Nigerian man fashion, he starts being nice to Mary.
Still confusing her for Sharon.
Next, we find out what Asabi and Sharon are up to. The mission is to get Sharon close to Jide and steal a thumb drive from him.
While Jide keeps drowning in lust for Sharon, Asabi remembers her late herbalist father and how he fortified her before he died at the beginning of the film — remember the Ifa ceremony? She also flashes back to the nice romance she shared with Jide before his pastor days, how he left her after tasting small money.
Jide’s at the strip club with Sharon again, but this time, Sharon will do anything to get his thumb drive. She did it. I don’t know how, but the thought I hold is they’ve been inside each other, so why can’t she be inside his pockets? Anyways, she presented the drive to Asabi, and it turned out to be the wrong one.
Jide a.k.a. always on the road, is already at the syndicate’s meeting house. Warmer temperament from their last meeting. Money is rolling in; everyone’s happy.
Surprisingly, Sharon calls Jide that afternoon for hot knacks and insists it must be in his house. Though he’s a married man, the mf is not the type to turn down sex.
After rounds of satisfying coital meet-and-greet, Sharon shares a bit of her life trajectory. Jide Jendo recollects his history with Asabi; he broke her heart, poisoned her and even left her for dead… isn’t he insane?
His syndicate boss’ call snaps him out of his memory lane. He rushes out, leaving Sharon alone at his home. She finally gets what she came for; the real thumb drive.
Been a long time coming.
Asabi discovers billions of dollars in Jide’s thumb drive and turns Robin Hood, distributing the money to people Jide and the syndicate have duped. Sharon gets paid and plans to return to Uganda. But only an unserious person will think they’ll escape unscathed.
Burning with anger, Asabi remembers her dad once more, and he tells her she’s destined to have only one child. Because she wasted her one child on Jide, she vows revenge.
In other words, the thumb drive isn’t the end of the fight. She confronts Jide at the funeral of one of his syndicate members.
He insults her and reminds her that her face looks like she fought a lion. Asabi’s response was that she’s proud of her tribal marks (she should’ve stopped here), culture, heritage and Nigeria. I’m lost. How did this become a patriots and custodian matter?
The statements Asabi made that she’s behind Jide’s successes haunt him in his sleep. He wakes up just in time his boss calls to tell him the syndicate has been exposed, and she’s fleeing.
Without caring to wake his wife who’s sleeping beside him, Jide speeds to his backyard and escapes police arrest on a boat.
Jide still thinks Mary is Sharon, so he and the syndicate kidnap and torture the poor church girl for the stolen drive. He’s about to shoot her when Wale, Jide’s younger brother, calls to tell him he has the real culprit.
While in the booth of Wale’s car, on the way to Jide’s location, Sharon miraculously manages to untie herself and texts Asabi that she’s been held hostage. Wale didn’t collect her phone? Didn’t tie her hands tightly? This movie plot keeps losing me.
At the kidnapping lair, Mary meets Sharon, the troublemaker that has complicated her life. Then it gets quickly confusing for the viewers. What’s this sudden family reunion? How did these ladies become blood sisters? What’s that Ugandan accent? Writers of this movie, how?
I was still thinking how that’s possible when Asabi’s men burst the door open with a grenade. BOOM!
Gunfight ensues; men flying up and down, left and right.
See Jide and Wale in action. Jide is many things: a pastor, whore, murderer, crime syndicate member and fighter too.
Finally it’s time, Jide and Asabi meet for their last face-off. He isn’t here for long talk, so he shoots her straight. But odeshi. Asabi controls the bullets and turns them back to paralyse him, eventually causing his death. E be juju, e be things.
But the display I find the maddest, that bursts my head is when she sends Wale floating in the air then tears him into cosmic dust.
Unfortunately, the innocent Mary dies at the scene.
The movie ends with Asabi and her bodyguard on her favourite mountain top. And honestly, it’s giving budget Eniola Salami and Ade Tiger. Now that her enemies are destroyed, is Asabi satisfied or is there another conquest coming?
Hmm.. some questions you should be asking too.
Why’s there “born again stripper” in the movie title?
Any reason Asabi has dada that’s longer than wire for drying clothes?
She’s always riding in black SUV and handing out crisp naira notes. What’s her actual job aside from being an ex-babalawo’s daughter?
Is her hair stylist in Lagos?
Does the syndicate have spiritual powers? Their meetings have people carrying calabashes and give shrine vibes, so how come they didn’t go spiritual when their members started dying? What was the “disease” sef?
Not exactly a question, but Sharon’s overacting when she eventually found the thumb drive killed my brain.
How did Asabi’s bodyguard know with just one look that the thumb drive he got was empty?
This may just be me, but Jide is supposedly the pastor of a mega church. How come he doesn’t even try to preserve his reputation? Guy whipped off his mask because he saw his church member. What if she decided to leak his secret? What kind of fake pastor talks explicitly so casually over the phone?
Why did Asabi sacrifice her men in the last fight when aunty knows she has odeshi?
ATTENTION.
We’re looking forward to receiving your contribution.
Once again, my coworkers have shown normalcy is beyond far from us. Our resident Christopher Columbus, Dami, said something about Nollywood YouTube titles being the stuff from a fever dream.
So today, I went down a rabbit hole on Youtube and found all the wild AF titles for your viewing pleasure.
These titles should make me pissed, but they’re just so fucking stupid
Yes, it is by force
No, the titles and covers have absolutely nothing to do with either film. But whoever put them together must have obviously thought himself a marketing genius.
It’s giving destiny
Can she please send me the number she dialed? I want to check something.
I just want to know if it worked out for this billionaire man person
The amount of “She didn’t know he’s a bilionaire pretending to be a poor (insert menial job)” on youtube is ridiculous, and while I’m all in support of delusion, this one is delusion’s older sister, Imagination. Imagination wan finish everybody.
Stranger danger has left the chat
I’m just going to IGNORE the horrible Photoshop job and the lack of self-care and awareness in both the title and poster.
God when?!!!!
If this is how billionaires are just roaming the streets looking for whose life to change, please, I’m available and ready.
Will something shocking actually happen?
In Nollywood, good must always prevail. They need to start letting the evil step-sister take the man and keep him. Actually shock us for once.
*Plays Brick and Lace – Love is wicked*
If she’s already ended his life, who’s telling us this story?
Cinderella takes Nnewi
ANOTHER Nigerian version of Cinderella? I’m here for it.
Master Jesus in action!!
The title is giving testimony time, overcomers time, and if the running time of the film is any indication, she’ll definitely need like 30 minutes to tell her story.
Hybrids deserve love too
I just want to know what his other half is because it could be anything from a fish to a werewolf from this poster.
Mummy, I too want to be a Fuman juice
I need all the maidens to take several seats because it can never be worth it.
What is love without money?
I completely understand where she’s coming from. How am I supposed to know your love for me is true if you haven’t dropped a stack and bought me a Tesla?
Wisdom is profitable to direct
I’m on the side of the village wife, forward ever, backward never.
Ever since Tiwa Savage came out and told us Somebody’s Son is a gospel song, I haven’t listened to any of her songs without thinking long and hard about what they might actually mean. So when the video for Stamina dropped, a light bulb went off in my head, and I finally knew this was what the song was REALLY about.
The beginning of the video looks like what you’ll see while trying to pick your Mortal Kombat character.
“She’s a runner, she’s a track star”
The song starts, and it might feel like Tiwa Savage is going on about someone needing stamina and asking them to come closer, so she can know they’ve got her.
But just take a look at her,
Her eyes are shining like that because she’s trying to use her hypnotic powers on her enemies
She’s actually telling them they’ll have to be really strong to fight her, and she can deal with them, but she won’t do it without their permission. Which is why she says, “oya raga mo mi now”.
The god of strength,Young Jonn, responds to her, but instead of addressing the issue at hand – Tiwa asking to beat the shege out of him – he tells her to clap for herself, because all her threats sound like goody-goody to his ears.
Now, I don’t know if he’s being serious or calling her bluff. Either way, I just need to know, when will the gidigbo I came for actually start?
I want to see Tiwa sending thunder to strike somebody while Ayra Starr runs circles around another person, but at this point, I’ll take them arm wrestling. Someone sha needs to make an actual attempt to squash this beef.
Like me, Ayra Starr is tired of dancing around the matter on ground and starts her verse by making it very clear; she’s been checking her calendar and can’t wait forever. They should jiggy jagga, engage in gidigbo, have a 1-on-1, anyhow they want to put it, let the fighting start.
But she doesn’t stop there. She’s been waiting ages for this fight, so when she starts mentioning all the fighting techniques she has in her arsenal, like the sexy Kung Fu and the tango for two, I can see where she’s coming from.
Young Jonn sings the chorus again, but this time he’s in Hades mode and now I fully understand it.
Remember how he was dressed in white the first time, and was trying to flirt his way out of a war?
Honestly, I too would succumb to similar tactics if Tiwa Savage AND Ayra Starr threatened to drag my ass to war.
Well now it’s his turn to threaten the two goddesses as per, don’t think because I’m smiling with you, I don’t have strength, things can turn left real quick.
The video ends with Tiwa Savage in the Garden of Eden.
They look like flamingos
Please, don’t let this confuse you. Just know she’s showing off her army to her enemies and reminding them one last time that although she’s a soft-life goddess, if they make her leave her garden, they will see the back of their heads.
I’d like to start this by giving a big shout-out to myself for constantly stumbling on questionable things on Judas Iscariot’s internet.
After me na me
Today, I’ll be recapping the music video of Mr P’s Paloma.
What in the robocop is going on here? I’m not even going to address this.
Back when PSquare were just two separate Ps, and we were begging them to go back to being one, Peter Okoye – Mr P – released this music video about all the dumb ways people behave when they’re in love.
And as a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, I had to click on it faster than you can say, Jack Robinson.
This is a serious inquiry.
The video starts with Mr P and Tolu Bally, whom I shall now refer to as little miss shine shine baby, getting ready for a night out in the town.
The look and feel of this entire thing is giving, “kasala is about to burst at 2:30, hang around only if you have that dog in you.”.
The song starts, and Mr P waxes lyrical about his Paloma, who I’m beginning to suspect is little miss shine shine baby.
It’s giving primary school rhymes
A car pulls up to a restaurant, and Kunle Remi – who shall be addressed as hot man Kunle, henceforth – steps out of the car like a billionaire from an early 2000s Nollywood movie.
Little miss shine shine baby is clearly going to go through it in this video
If I say hot man Kunle was followed by little miss shine shine baby (gosh, that is such a long name), thunder might actually strike me because he leaves her in the car and walks away on his own.
Little miss shine shine baby walks into the restaurant, again on her own, trips on thin air and the strap of her heel breaks.
Mr P is acting acting. I’m convinced it was this video that got him the role of Femi Fernandez in Shanty Town. Justice for little miss shine shine baby
Who needs enemies when you’re wining and dining with your biggest hater? I’m just going to take everything that man does and press it to my chest because what did my shine shine baby do to deserve such a treatment.
Their date ends horribly, maybe it’s because he can’t see past his average-sized nose, or because they just sat there arguing and drinking gin for most of the night, or it could be because of all the incredibly obvious ads.
Like this one …
… and this one.
The date is sha over, everyone can return to their places of residence…
… and shine shine baby can conveniently forget her phone at the restaurant, so Mr P has a reason to seek her out in the next scene.
Who is little miss shine shine baby in the face of such a fate? She comes to the mechanic shop where he works to get her phone, and all the men who’ve been following Mr P up and down like they’re all glued together spot her.
Thus begins their ajepako/ajebutter love story.
They share a drink…
He’s on a strict budget; cut him some slack
He loses all his senses and leaves an interview to help fix her car…
What is a paying job in the face of love?
Then retire to her house for a light game of pillow fighting.
Please bear in mind that one of these people just abandoned an interview for a job that would’ve definitely paid better than the two jobs he’s currently holding down.
As expected, the video ends with hot man Kunle, catching them in their affair.
After what little miss shine shine baby went through in this video, I hope she finally leaves men and focuses on herself, before they give her high blood pressure.
My brain does this weird thing where it forms silly attachments to memes and videos I’ve seen once and just runs with it.
Which is why today I’ll be recapping one of my favourite Nollywood movies, Abuja Connection.
No, I have never watched this movie, but I have seen the one meme from it:
And my brain has decided we love it.
The movie starts with a dick-measuring contest between the self-acclaimed baddest bitches of Lagos, Jennifer (Clarion Chukwurah) and Sophia (Eucharia Anunobi). Sophia accuses Jennifer of talking shit about her to a client.
Sophia and Jennifer threaten to give everyone a show and turn the expressway into a WWE viewing centre.
Sophia decides publicly disgracing herself like that isn’t worth it and walks away. But Jennifer, not the one to let anything go, calls the police and has them arrest Sophia’s entourage of musclemen, and she just stands by and watches it happen.
Sophia and Jennifer meet again at Princess’s (Ngozi Ezeonu) house, and the battle of bad bitches picks up from where they left off.
But Princess, the head of whatever clique they’re cliquing, isn’t having any of it.
She tries to talk to them, but like two Nigerian women in love with the same broke man, they ignore her and continue fighting each other.
Carol (Oby Edozie), Jennifer’s right-hand woman, jumps in to defend her babe and starts making all the mouth in all the seven seas about her juju and its ability to do and undo.
But apparently, all of that was false advertising.
After the fight, she goes to her Babalawo, tail tucked between her legs, in search of a better charm to give her rich men instead of the broke ones she keeps having genital meet and greets with, and he does.
Until now, I was kind of rooting for Carol, don’t ask me why.
She bragged about the potency of her charms, then went to fortify herself to make sure the charms actually work well.
All great ideas until I found out her final master plan was simply to walk up to men driving big cars and use her juju on them.
What if the men she walks up to borrowed the car???I retract my previous statement.
Carol’s new charm works exceptionally well, and Oliver, her new man friend, gets her a boutique.
Not Princess and her colleague showing up like Tems at the grammys
Meanwhile, in the who-is-the-baddest-bitch contest of early 2000s Lagos, Sophia and Jennifer fight over yet another contract.
Now, I think they should just start playing rock, paper, scissors. Whoever wins gets whatever new human trafficking contract they are vying for. All this fight and drama is not needed.
Actually, I take it back. They should continue fighting like mint leaves in a glass of Lagos mojito.
They must have heard me.
Jennifer blackmails Sophia with her drug-dealing past, and Sophia drops the contract faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
After Jennifer carries out the contract, Sophia decides she’s done playing Jennifer’s game.
I tried ignoring it, but what in the Beyonce bad haircuts is this fringe??Now, I know where my queen got her inspiration from
I love a queen that means what she says and is about the action. Sophia goes to a native doctor in search of money and power.
Ma’am, you JUST refused to cut your life short.
Washing my hands off Sophia, because she’s now doing too much.
I can’t with this ritual. So, she pounds the … I don’t know what it is, it looks like soil and dirt, and then the native doctor pours what looks like piss into it and strains it into a bowl. It’s giving the tea I used to make with dirt as a child.
On the other side of town, Jennifer gets two visitors:
The Abuja connection she’s been yammering on aboutThe fine ass fiance nobody knew about
Both of whom know nothing about each other.
.
In this house we support women rights AND wrongs.
While Jennifer was being a two-timer, Sophia was using her time to do other things …
Sorry to Jennifer, Sophia has ELEVATED
… like venture deeper into ritualism.
The man under that clothe, left his wife and daughter to answer Sophia’s booty call. He should collect anything he sees.
She turned him into money.
I blame Princess for all of this, if she had taught Sophia and Jennifer better, or had told them more often that they were big fools, none of this would have happened.
Anyway, Sophia packs her money into a travel bag, and rolls out of the room.
They just turned somebody’s daddy into crisp 500 naira notes!!!
I can’t wait to watch part 2, because Sophia has gone and brought a gun to a knife fight, and Jennifer is going to be blindsided. But I trust the baddest bitches of Lagos, they’ll give me a good fight.
I want to be mysterious and act like I turned over every part of the internet until I found this music video, like I had to last week, but that’d be a lie. And I might be many things, but a liar isn’t one of them.
Today, I’ll be recapping a childhood classic of mine. The somewhat genius, somewhat insane music video and call to action that is Patience Ozokwor’s National Moi-Moi.
For those who don’t know, Patience Ozokwor, AKA Mama G, AKA G for General, is a veteran actress and musician, the patron saint of the chop life gang nationwide.
Chop life crew, jaiye x2
So, it’s only fitting she has a song where she cosplays as a Nigerian politician, promising to divide the national cake and give her constituents their share. Because who fakes promises and chops life more than the Nigerian government?
The video starts with a two-car motorcade followed by some news: There’s a new governor in town, and she’s Mama G baybay.
Do we know how she became governor? Absolutely not. The TV broadcast gives us nothing but a brief line about the OG governor being impeached, and Mama G being put in charge.
Journalism? ZERO.
The unseating of the OG governor could mean one of two things, either money changed hands and the powers that be brought Mama G in from her mansion, or she was deputy governor. Either way, she couldn’t possibly have been the best person for the job because the plans she has for her electorates?
It’s bad, it’s very very bad
After 78 seconds of listening to them announce her as the new governor (yes, I counted). The beat finally drops, and the song which is basically an acceptance speech and seven-point agenda, starts. Personally, I think we should all come together to agree that anyone who gets elected to any political office must turn their acceptance speech into a song and serenade the entire nation.
That being said, look at the new state governor and her crew. It’s giving “you’ll enjoy now, but you might suffer later”.
This government’s first agenda is something about an open-door policy. She proceeds to tell everyone, “If you don’t like it? The corridor awaits you”.
Nobody knows what the corridor means, but it’s provocative.
Mama G’s next agenda is strictly for enjoyment. She’s promising to turn refineries into breweries.
See how she’s shining teeth like a true politician after withholding pension
As an avid liquor fan, this is an agenda I can get behind. But if she can also make plans for stable electricity, that’ll be great because if I have to ingest hot liquor, I can, and I will storm her government house.
This administration’s dedication to enjoyment is serious AF. The next thing we see is borrowed dancers from a P-Square music video and gyrating around the state house…
…and Mama G making Fridays a public holiday.
Not Tonto in her video vixen bag
Then the chorus starts with more promises to make everybody happy…
…by sharing the national moi-moi…
… and dividing the national cake.
MA’AM!!!
I need to look into my lack of trust towards older Nigerians because she kinda comes through on her promises. Here she is, throwing Ghana must go bags of money at people.
I need her to pass one of those bags my way
All I can say is her agendas are agending. I can understand her open-door policies, the breweries, heck, $1 to ₦1 promise, and please, make Fridays a public holiday! But now, Her Excellency, Mama G for General, wants to import goats and make isi ewu cheap?
Can she let me rest????
Before we fully digest that, she’s promising to tackle “NEPA and their wahala” by providing the general populace with… you can’t make this up … candles.
Mama G for Good life then promises to dash the men in her constituency wives.
Babes, you’re losing me now
Some bits have me in hives, but look how cute Mama G and her cohorts are.
This is why Nigeria is like this
The song ends in classic 2000s style, with the beat running on. Her Excellency and her dancers decide to reenact what looks like a ritual proceeding during this time (don’t ask me how I know what that looks like).
Because I believe strongly in women’s rights and wrongs, I have no further comment on this.
After years of fleeing from anything government and law related, I finally decided it’s time to get familiar with Nigerian politics and its wahala.
For the past week, I’ve been hearing how the Shehu Shagari elections of 1979 were dramatic AF. Everywhere I turn, someone is comparing the ongoing 2023 elections drama to it. So I decided it was time to put on my amebo gear and get to work.
Luckily (or unluckily) for me, I stumbled on The 1979 Elections, a 212-page book on the subject.
According to this book, in 1960, everything was all well and good for a country that’d just emancipated itself from the clutches of colonisers. Nigerians were enjoying independence. They actually had cash to spend.
Yes, Meffy baby, it’s you I’m looking at.
And they’d just conducted their first elections. But somehow, they were already talking about the domination of Northern Nigerians in government.
The southern political parties weren’t the happiest about this, but they picked their sandals off the ground, dusted themselves and decided to try again four years later.
Except, as usual, Nigeria said…
General market, go round the block one more time.
In came Nigeria’s first military government led by General Aguiyi Ironsi in 1966.
General Aguiyi Ironsi
Which led to a ten-year military rule, featuring Yakubu Gowon, Murtala Mohammed and one of the owners of Nigeria’s internet, Olusegun Obasanjo.
Who sent these people this military rule message?
By 1979, the military government had basically handed over.
Like those Iya arugbos who share souvenirs at burials, they put everything in place for the elections and eventual civil rule.
Election day comes, and Nigerians head to the polls to vote for the person they want to lead them. My people just wanted to do what’s best for themselves after years of early bedtimes and being parented by the Nigerian military.
Five days later, at 12:40 PM, FEDECO, the 1900’s INEC, released the election results.
This result might be the only straightforward thing in this book.
Shehu Shagari, with a total of 568,857 votes, won the presidential elections and was announced president-elect. But as it turns out the people chasing Nigeria right now have been at it since colonisation, because why did FEDECO release results if they weren’t ready?
This is why you should be straightforward in all you do, BECAUSE LOOK AT FEDECO CAUSING ISSUES FOR AN ENTIRE NATION.
This caused kasala in 1979 Nigeria. Which was really the fault of the lawmakers, because, if they made the law easy and simple to understand, old men with grandchildren in the university won’t banter words with each other in public because of elections.
I don’t care if the conversation fits, I shall now be using legal howler in my daily interactions.
Less than 24 hours after the commotion and brouhaha, FEDECO stuck to their koboko, and named Alhaji Shehu Sahagari the winner of the 1979 elections.
The New Nigeria newspaper – a publication that clearly had it out for Shagari and refused to remove their leg from his trousers – started peddling the accusation that Obasanjo of the internet, the transitioning head of state, was in ACTIVE support of Shehu Shagari’s presidency.
After the president-elect was announced, most Nigerians didn’t know how to feel.
Again, let it be known that I do not tell lies. Do you see that they’re also complaining about the words used in the constitution and how it can lead to multiple interpretations?
Why is politics filled with theatrics and drama? Isn’t there an easier way to do it? Maybe, come out like it’s testimony time, and tell us the plans you have for Nigeria, instead of putting us through all the drama.
“Hi guys, these are the things I want to do for Nigeria. These are my credentials; this is my family lineage.”
And then the newspapers started fighting each other on behalf of the candidates.
I love a good media tussle
After a while, everyone started noticing that the matter, like the current governor of Lagos state, had ironed gators into its jeans. Things were getting too hot. So, Chief Fani Kayode, like a pokenosing neighbour, carried his legs from nowhere, and went to beg the spiritual leaders.
Why is New Nigerian always trying to start up shit?
The top three presidential contenders, Awolowo, Azikiwe and Waziri, were clearly listening, which is why they held a press conference, rejecting Shehu Shagari as the president-elect.
I mean, if you believe in something, then you believe in it, right?
But as the Nigerian electoral body that they were, FEDECO told the three musketeers:
But Awolowo decided to take the matter to the distinguished court by himself. He filed a petition at the electoral tribunal, stating that Shehu Shagari wasn’t duly elected.
One week after, Shehu Shagari finally decided he also had a mouth and could speak.
Long and short, Shagari looked Awolowo in the eye and went:
The case spent less than a month in court, and the tribunal finally gave their judgment: Shehu Shagari for president. If you don’t like it, kneel down and face the wall.
But surely, someone who dragged Shehu Shagari through the Nigerian media and judiciary system wouldn’t suddenly stop because the electoral tribunal said no?
Awolowo dragged Shagari to the supreme court on the exact same basis as before, Shehu Shagari wasn’t duly elected. But the court wasnt having it and basically told him and his appeal to get out.
The court decreed Awolowo had no case or foot to stand on, and Shehu Shagari was the winner of the 1979 election.
This was the most confusing piece of literature, I’ve ever read.
THIS IS WHY I HATED GOVERNMENT IN SCHOOL. Wetin be this😩😩
My name is Chioma, and I’m a hopeless romantic in love with messy love stories. This is why today, I’ll be going against all the voices in my head to review the 2023 Nollywood drama, A Sunday Affair.
I want to say A Sunday Affair is a love story, but really, it’s about the selfishness of human beings.
The movie starts with two best friends, Toyin and Uche, growing up together. Here, they are as 12-year-olds in 1999:
Then in 2009, with their mama-dash-me, hunchback wigs…
And now, in 2023…
For my sanity, I won’t even bother trying to figure out their age or iron sponge wigs
Toyin (Dakore Egbuson) and Uche (Nse Ikpe-Etim) are at a wedding. Uche is clearly not here for the pastor’s lovey-dovey speech because she’s more focused on snatching some eye candy for fornication. Honestly, twinsies, because the only things of note at weddings are the liquor, food and eye candy.
Uche finally sets her sight on a hot gentleman — Sunday Akin Oyeyemi (Oris Ehruero) — but as fate would have it, he’s married with a child. Does that stop her? Absolutely not.
The main ceremony ends, and Toyin and Uche head to the bathroom to have the weirdest conversation about Uche’s wandering eye and how Toyin is supposed to be her voice of reason at this wedding.
The next scene consists of what I can only describe as weird “older people” foreplay. Because why is Uche spraying money at the happy couple while looking at Sunday like she’s trying to see into his future?
But, what in the Disney villain is going on with her hair?
And why is Sunday dancing like a five-year-old at a birthday party?
It was obviously choreographed because why did they both hump the air for five seconds then turn away from each other?
After all the dancing, another lady tries to talk to the same Mr Hotness, but his wife (Eku Edewor) isn’t it.
See, after this line, I should’ve known Mr Hotness would show me shege. But I still continued.
After the little scene between husband and wife, Uche walks up to him, does some seductive telepathy with her eyes, and boom, Mr Hotness follows her for a quick round of adultery.
Yes. Yes, she is.
Oblivious of the quickie session, Toyin goes around searching for Uche and hoping to God her quick bathroom break hasn’t driven her best friend into the arms of another man.
Intense sex done and dusted, and it turns out Sunday and Uche are in-laws.
Just as Uche invites Sunday to an event at her art gallery, Toyin interrupts their conversation, ever ready to rescue Uche from her insatiable thirst for cheating men, and I think Uche can sense my doubt of her possible age. In a bid to keep up a young appearance, she calls Toyin her BFF, and I just want to know who they’re trying to fool, because it isn’t me.
At the art gallery event, Uche’s classless sugar daddy barges into her office, corners her and starts to yell. And now, I need a break because if you’re not my actual daddy, why are you yelling at me?
After a lot of back and forth, and the timely intervention of her assistant, Uche manages to return to the party for her speech (if we’re keeping it a buck, it looked and sounded like she was reading story time to a bunch of nursery school kids).
Clearly, there’s no party or public gathering big enough to hold whoever this Sammie fellow is. He interrupts her “Art is the 10th wonder of the world” speech to seek recognition for investing in her gallery. And this is why you should select your sugar daddies carefully. If Sam was a sugar daddy with shame, he wouldn’t be at that party looking for who to publicly disgrace.
Meanwhile, Toyin baby is on her way to Ibadan for some light research on how to make babies without the stress of a man when Mr. Hotness sits right beside her with his own wahala. He tries to flirt but goes all Sheldon Cooper on her with an “I’m glad you like trains” line. He actually gets her to like him in the cutest way ever.
Ready to return to Lagos after her trip to the fertility clinic, she goes back to the train station. But Nigeria happened, and there are bandits on the train tracks, so the trains aren’t moving. Sunday starts questioning the young man at the gate, which makes no sense because what do you want him to do? Fight the bandits?
Long story short, Toyin and Sunday have to spend the night in Ibadan. So they get dinner together, and she finds out he’s getting a divorce based on “cultural differences”. Once I heard this, I just knew the small pepper he’d shown me so far was only but the beginning. There’s no way those cultural differences weren’t his wife wanting him to keep away from other women and Sunday’s vehement refusal to end his philandering ways.
They leave the restaurant and get into the elevator. It’s nice, it looks cosy, and it’s giving confined space, so they have to touch at some point.
God, abeg
While walking Toyin to her room, Sunday gets a call from his wife, and praise be to whoever instilled shame into Toyin, because baby girl shuts him out and leaves him in the cold. Toyin returns to Lagos and gets into it with the most aproko babes Lagos has ever seen. Why did they enter a conversation nobody invited them to? After that craziness, we somehow end up at Uche’s family home at a family dinner Uche’s mother decided to attend wearing a gele.
Yes, I actually think it’s best to always stay prepared
The family dinner ends, and Femi sternly warns Sunday off Uche. That’s actually fair because why are you trying to ruin the boy’s new marriage by giving fuck me eyes to his wife’s sister over the dinner table?
Uche invites Sunday out for drinks, and this man they just warned to stay away from her, accepts the invitation?
Uche asks Sunday to invest in her gallery, even though it’s as useless as the Nigerian government and brings in zero profit. But does Sam refuse? No. Why?
They leave the restaurant and have sex in Sunday’s tiny ass, bright yellow sports car. No, I can’t believe we’ve already gotten here, approximately 15.4 million people in Lagos, and these babes want to die for a man named Sunday.
Toyin calls him right after and invites him to dinner. Of course, he accepts. And perhaps because we need to hear what Sunday really feels about what he’s doing with his life, he goes out with Femi, who tells him:
Like a good older brother, Sunday goes to end things with Uche and ends up participating in a TikTok challenge.
Sunday definitely did not have a conversation with Uche
Sunday promises Femi he’ll break up with Toyin, and at this point, I really think Femi should take everything Sunday says with a pinch of salt because this fellow and his beard goes out with Toyin, and instead of breaking up with her, proceeds to enter her pant.
Halfway through this movie and the hottest babes in Lagos, Toyin and Uche, are yet to change the hair on their heads. I’m getting concerned.
Gingered to give the breakups another try, Sunday goes to Uche’s house (honestly, he should’ve just written her a note and slipped it under her door). He breaks up with her by bringing up Sam and insinuating she’d slept with him for his investment in the art gallery.
Sunday returns to Femi, and their discussions are beginning to feel like they’re planning a heist or something. Sunday decides he can no longer deal with the consequences of his actions and breaking up with Uche was too hard, so he’ll just ghost Toyin — like she doesn’t know his family members and where they all live.
When Toyin drops in on him at Femi’s house, Sunday breaks up with her properly. Because the EbonyLife multiverse wants to show this babe pepper, she gets home and finds out she has cancer.
Then she goes to the club because, what better way to sort through your feelings than a night out in Lagos. Meanwhile, Daddy Sunday is at home thinking about his life and the drama his penis has caused:
Does Femi realise the man he’s treating like a child is somebody’s daddy?
His thoughts are cut short by a call from Uche who’s lost Toyin at the club. He gets there, and for some reason, believes it’s the best time to confess his feelings to Uche.
He sends her home with Femi and then continues the search for Toyin on his own. He finally finds her at the beach. He thinks he’s the cause of her spiral, but Toyin quickly tells him to geddifok, because…
Sunday decides to forget the words he just told Uche and stay with Toyin instead. The babe already has cancer, is he really going to add a heartbreak to that?
We return to Uche and her big-for-nothing gallery, and everything from here happens pretty quickly. Toyin tells Uche she has cervical cancer, but that’s fine because she’s got Sunday by her side now. Their relationship continues, and Uche becomes their permanent third wheel.
Uche and Sunday continue circling each other until they finally find what they’re looking for.
Then Uche realises right after, “Wow, sleeping with my best friend’s man (who used to be my man) is a bad thing to do o”.
There’s 25 minutes left in this mess, and now, Toyin’s announced a pregnancy, swearing to bring the baby into this world by any means necessary.
I have an important question about this decision: who’s she leaving this baby with? Because she has cancer, and there’s a chance she won’t make it. I mean, how does one handle labour with stage 3 cervical cancer.
Clearly, I’m the only one willing to ask the right questions. Uche and Sunday just sit there, staring at her like she’s about to ruin their lives.
The pregnancy grows, and a heavily pregnant Toyin randomly suggests a trip to South Africa. Sunday just nods along.
Meanwhile, Uche’s gallery is closing down, but Vance Packard (the fakest name I’ve ever heard) is here to save the day with his $250,000 painting budget
(God, abeg. I don’t want to be a mechanic).
But Toyin goes into labour and refuses to birth her child until Uche arrives at the hospital. She finally gets to the hospital, and Toyin gives birth to a baby girl but dies during the labour.
Toyin, aka the real Vance Packard reveals in a note that she’s always known about Uche and Sunday, and she was the real selfish one here. But that’s fine because Uche, Sunday and Toyin’s daughter get to live happily ever after.
I think Toyin, Uche and Sunday needed to realise that shame is free, and they were too old for the nonsense behaviours they exhibited in this movie.
But if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find out how much hypnotherapy costs so I can wipe this movie out of my brain.
Based on how Game of Thrones ended, I honestly went into its new prequel show, House of the Dragon, with my expectations in the poteaux-poteaux. I heard it was showing on Showmax, so I gave it a go and let’s just say these dragon people have me in a chokehold.
Even though I’m tempted to recap the eight seasons of Game of Thrones, I’ve chosen peace of mind today and focused on the first two episodes of the House of the Dragon.
House of the Dragon starts by reminding us this is a prequel, so we need to dead any hopes of seeing Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister or Daenerys Targaryen. There’s also a brief history lesson on how powerful the Targaryens are as the rulers of Westeros because of their big-ass dragons and perfectly laid blonde wigs.
The opening scene shows that Westeros is not that different from the real world when the Lords decide they’d rather choke than allow a woman rule them. Even though Princess Rhaenys Velaryon has a more valid claim to the throne (and a hot husband), they vote for Viserys I Targaryen to take over.
Feminism in the mud for real
Years later, we meet discount Daenerys, aka Rhaenyra.
Seeing her ride a dragon is giving me PTSD from the time Dany turned half of Kings Landing into suya in season eight of Game of Thrones. Anyway, Rhaenyra, who I’ll refer to as Riri Baby from now on, is King Viserys I’s only child. And while her pregnant mother reminds her she was born to pop out babies, Riri Baby is on her Arya Stark P and would rather do “manly” activities like go to war and decapitate men.
YASS QUEEN!
Meanwhile, in the king’s August meeting chambers, we hear him talk about how confident he is that his next child will be a boy and the heir to his throne.
The universe:
MEANWHILE
As the council makes plans for fun festivities, Lord Corlys, aka Westerosi Idris Elba, reminds them that the city’s ships are being captured by someone known as the Crab Feeder.
But the council is like:
We later meet the king’s younger brother, Daemon Targaryen, who looks like an older version of Orlando Bloom from The Lord of the Rings.
Daemon gives serious Jim Iyke bad boy vibes with a heavy dose of big dick energy. Just one look at him, and I know he’s going to cause chaos. But in the meantime, him and Riri Baby speak in tongues for a bit before he gives her an ugly necklace that means something sha.
The king visits his pregnant wife, who tells him this is the last time she’s pushing out a baby from her coochie just because he’s desperate for a male heir.
On the day the queen goes into labour, a violent tournament is held to celebrate the baby’s birth. People stab each other up and down, and the audience keeps cheering like it’s the UEFA Champions League.
Random man in pain:
Audience:
The king is summoned to the labour room and asked to choose between his wife and son. In a move that reminds us never to trust men, he picks the son he doesn’t even know and the midwives cut open his wife like a Christmas chicken. The queen dies, and because karma’s a bad bitch, the baby coughs once and signs out too.
Disclaimer: Alcohol was needed to digest this scene because WTF??
So much for having a new heir.
With the baby gone, Daemon decides to do a little dorime in honour of the fact that he’s back to being the sole heir to the throne because no one would give it to Riri Baby, a girl.
Daemon:
The king hears of Daemon’s party and is visibly pissed by the dead baby slander.
The first episode ends with the king making Riri Baby the heir to his throne just to spite him.
EPISODE 2
Episode two kicks off with Daemon holding one of the castles hostage, and Riri Baby back to doing bartender work despite being named the heir to the throne.
Westerosi Idris Elba is still on the council’s neck to go after the Crab Feeder.
But the council refuses to be bothered or stressed.
When Riri Baby suggests that the king sends her and a couple of dragons to flex on the enemy, the Hand of the King, Lord Otto Hightower, is like:
Lord Hightower has plans of his own, by the way. This man has been sending his teenage daughter, Riri’s BFF, to the king’s chamber to seduce him. Ewwwwww. But we’ll come back to that.
Westerosi Idris Elba is also married to Princess Rhaenys, the king’s cousin who would’ve been on the throne if not for small sexism. They try to convince the king to marry their daughter, his second cousin. Once again, eww.
Nothing prepared me for the daughter in question.
Child marriage apart, I’m really stressed by this sponge on her head.
Meanwhile, Lord Hightower goes to see Daemon with an army to retrieve the dragon egg he stole.
But before Daemon can turn Hightower and his men into asun, Riri Baby steps in, speaks some weird ass language with him again, and he walks away, giving her the egg.
Over at Kings Landing, the king finally announces who he wants to marry and shocks everyone by picking Lord Hightower’s daughter, Alicent, who’s literally his teenage daughter’s age and bestie. Ewwwww overload.
Westerosi Idris Elba is pissed his infant daughter didn’t become a child bride, and Riri Baby is pissed her BFF is about to become her stepmother.
I would’ve yelled, “Worldstar!” if I was there.
Looking for revenge, Westerosi Idris Elba decides to join forces with Daemon, to defeat the Crab Feeder and take the throne.
This episode ends with a glimpse of the Crab Feeder, and we know he’s a villain because he’s disfigured like the bad guys from Nightmare on Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Also, he literally feeds his victims to crabs.
The end.
House of the Dragon is streaming on Showmax with new episodes every Monday, same time it drops in the US
Sign up for Showmax on www.Showmax.com to watch House of the Dragon and other HBO series. If you are an MTN subscriber, you can sign up for Showmax using your airtime by dialling *447*2*2# and following the prompts.
Once upon a time, Astor recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made him turn his recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where he finds batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recaps them for your pleasure.
Hi, my name is Conrad, and I’m a Real Housewives of Lagos addict. I’ve decided to take on the responsibility of recapping all the messy and unhinged content that comes our way at Zikoko. Will I survive this task? Check back next week.
Let’s get into it.
After an explosive finale that had us all shook, our favourite Lagos housewives came back to give us some more drama with a reunion to end all reunions.
Considering the heated fight between besties, Chioma and Caroline, and the social media back and forth between Caroline and Toyin, we were all gagging to see how the reunion would play out. Will people throw hands? Will wigs come flying off? With the Real Housewives of Lagos, anything is possible.
We first see the housewives pulling up with their glam squad because why not? The reunion host Uti Nwachukwu goes round to greet each housewife in their rooms, reminding them to bring the drama.
He also reminds Chioma not to pull that lateness bullshit she’s known for because no one has the time.
With all the housewives seated (minus a noticeably absent Caro/Carolyna/Caroline), Uti gets ready to stir some shit and milk every drop of drama he can get from these women. We stan a chaotic king because last last someone has to pour kerosine on the many fires of this show.
Uti asks each of the housewives about their experience on the show, and Iyabo tries to convince us that no part of the show was scripted. Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday.
Bringing up the elephant not in the room, Uti asks the ladies if they think Caroline will show up and it’s obvious these women don’t give a shit since she’s fought with literally every cast member at this point. Mariam is so unbothered she basically says:
After a montage of all the good times the women had on the show, Uti wears his chaotic gele and starts the drama by bringing up the fight that started the season, Chioma and Laura’s “friendship”. Laura admits she overreacted to Chioma saying they weren’t friends and that Chioma is right, because honestly, they’re not really friends. But this doesn’t stop Laura from attacking Chioma for not having her back against Caroline at the boho party in episode three.
Leaving that fake friendship unresolved, Uti asks Laura who told her that the other housewives were shading her at the beach house in episode two. At this point, the housewives start acting confused like the whole show doesn’t run on gossip and rumours.
Laura tries to act like no one told her anything, but as usual, the show’s resident FBI agent Iyabo Ojo pulls out the receipts, telling everyone that Laura had mentioned to her that Toyin was the NTA reporter that gave her the hot gist.
But Laura takes out time to let everyone know that she hated Caroline from the beginning and the slap she promised her was based on that hatred, not the beach house gist. She also goes ahead to accuse Toyin of being the one that actually threw the most shade at the beach house. This doesn’t sit well with Toyin who was consulting with Ifa at the time.
Stepping in like a ghost, Caroline finally arrived 19 minutes into the show. Once again, the ladies don’t care for her because Toyin is basically like:
Uti brings up Chioma’s lateness and Laura’s love for mess and drama. While Chioma owns her latecomer title, Laura pretends like she doesn’t know SHE’S THE DRAMA!
Mariam’s infamous dinner comes up and Laura blames the alcohol for her behaviour that night, but Iyabo isn’t having it.
This eventually leads to Laura vs. Caroline + the mysterious governor. Caroline maintains that Laura used to do whokup for money and Laura maintains her innocence. Ladies, sex work is real work. No one cares.
The main drama starts with Caroline vs. Toyin. Their friendship comes up and Caroline can’t seem to pinpoint when or for how long they were friends. She also tries to convince us that she was 23 in 2013 and no one is believing that shit.
The two women go ahead to slut shame one another. Toyin accuses Caroline of cheating on her husband and being a wife of Solomon. While Caroline calls Toyin a hooker who’s slept with half of Lagos and maybe Ogun state. Once again, sex work is real work.
The episode eventually ends with both Caroline and Toyin shouting to the delight of the other women. Going by the preview for next week, we can’t wait for the fight between Toyin and Chioma. Yes, we love drama.
Today, I will be recapping the fight between Chioma and Carolyna in this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Lagos.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Brethren, we all know what we’re here. So I’m going to skip through the episode and only talk about the parts that tie into this fight.
Okay? Okay.
Let’s start by giving props to the editing team at Livespot360 (the production team responsible for the show) for beginning the episode with a montage of Chioma and Carolyna hanging out and having fun, foreshadowing the later events of the episode. There’s a clip of them buying jewellery:
A clip of them hailing each other at Toyin’s traditional party thing from two episodes prior.
And a clip from the previous episode where Chioma says this to Carolyna:
I stan shady video editing.
At some point in between the events of this episode, Iyabo and Carolyna get into an altercation that almost leads to Iyabo beating the shit out of Carolyna. This fight isn’t shown onscreen, so the way it comes up is quite jarring. After a scene of the ladies hanging out on a yacht, we return from a commercial break to see Chioma, Mariam, and Laura talking about the fight on phone calls with other people. (Chioma, with her sister; Mariam, with her sister; and Laura, with her friend.)
From what I can gather, Carolyna was rude to Iyabo after the party on the yacht the previous night, accusing her of being insensitive and doing way too much all time, everywhere at once. Carolyna tops this off by telling Iyabo to stop acting like her mother because she’s not. Understandably pissed, Iyabo is like:
Iyabo serves She-Hulk realness by running at and attempting to wreck Carolyn’s face with her fists. Chioma intercepts this impending face pounding by running into Iyabo’s path, but Iyabo picks her up like a ragdoll and tosses her into the bedroom mirror. Judging by the fact that Carolyna’s face isn’t dented the next morning, I’m guessing the other housewives were successful at stopping Iyabo.
Does that sound gloriously messy? Yes. Will we ever see the footage? Probably not.
I hate that I had to piece this together from clips of the housewives talking about it in their confessionals. What was production doing when this fight took place? Are they telling me that no cameras were rolling? Where is the footage?? WHY WAS THE THIS FIGHT HIDDEN FROM US?!
#ReleaseTheIyaboAndCarolynaFootage
Fast forward to later in the episode, the ladies are hanging out by the pool when Chioma references the Iyabo/Carolyna fight. Carolyna tries to change the topic by bringing up Laura but Chioma checks her immediately.
Chioma tries to explain to Carolyna how bad Carolyna’s behaviour was, pointing out Carolyna’s refusal to apologise to Iyabo until Chioma forced her to. Carolyna says this is a lie, and that’s how their fight starts, ladies and gentlemen. With Chioma screaming:
As the argument slowly escalates, I notice that Carolyn’s M.O is throwing out random accusations and hoping that one sticks. In the span of a few minutes, she claims that Chioma is accusing her of not being remorseful for her behaviour because Chioma wants:
A favour from Iyabo.
To join Iyabos clique.
To get back at her for making fun of Chioma’s boyfriend.
Carolyna realises that she’s not winning the argument and attempts to ruin Chioma’s reputation in the eyes of the other ladies, telling them that Chioma believed they were razz when they all met for the first time. This doesn’t work because Chioma owns up to it and says that her opinion of them has changed now that she knows them better. We get a few more minutes of this:
Some of the other ladies are lowkey enjoying the chaos.
Meanwhile, Laura hears the fight happening and is happy because she assumes this vindicates her in her fight with Carolyna earlier in the season. I have bad news for her because:
Things get hotter when Carolyna insults Chioma’s entire family by calling them bastards. Chioma flares up and attacks her.
I just wish she didn’t knock Iyabo down in the process sha.
The episode ends with both Chioma and Carolyna stating in their confessionals that their friendship is over.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
If you’re an avid reader of Zikoko, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.
We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.
This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”
Alas, no one said sike.
Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.
Mama, let’s research.
I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.
This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.
I just gagged…and not in a good way.
IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!
You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.
Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.
Nope.
Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.
I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.
God, abeg.
This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.
If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.
Today, I will be reviewing the most insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
The things I saw while researching this article have scarred me for life. If you see me on the road, squeeze $16,000 into my palms.
I have the best job in the world. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I came across this tweet yesterday:
And immediately decided that this week’s “So You Don’t Have To” would be about insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet. My job allowed me — nay, required me — to go through dozens of pages of porn. You wish you had my job.
Also, if you see me on the road, give me a hug and rub my head. I’ve seen horrible things.
I Care A Lot (2020), starring Rosamund Pike.
To be clear, the protagonist of this film would hang around a building full of blind guys, knowing that they would immediately get lost when trying to go anywhere and pretend to help but would direct them to an uncompleted building next door to have sex? I stan a scheming queen.
It’s giving Ralia the Sugar Girl all grown up and looking to provide some sugar.
Where is this local bathroom that she just stumbled into the evil forest from Igodo while looking for it? And why is she naked?
You know what? These are trying times, and if Nigerians use role-play to cope with Daddy Bubu’s terrible presidency, so be it.
How To Get Away With Fornication
This story has more plot twists than the 2019 Nigerian crime thriller film, The Set-Up. Inject it.
Maybe this can be the plot of the inevitable Nneka the Pretty Serpent sequel Charles of Play is planning.
I love that the marine kingdom is evolving with the times and now accepts all other forms of payment. Shout out to the current reigning Queen Mother for all her hard work and innovation.
I’m thoroughly confused by this. Did she not know she was naked? And she was sitting on the village local public pussy champion? Why is “local” in this twice? Step grandma??
Temptation Everywhere All At Once (2022)
I wonder if this is what it was like for the people that angels were coming down from heaven to bump genitals with back in Noah’s time.
Today, I will be recapping the incredibly messy 8th episode of Real Housewives Of Lagos.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
I know you’re here for the DRAMA, but let’s do a quick recap of the show for those who don’t watch or do watch but need a refresher.
Real Housewives of Lagos is a reality show that was produced by Livespot360 and premiered on Showmax in April 2022. A spin-off of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise, Showmax describes the show as “a peek into the lives into the opulent and oh-so-extra lifestyle of some of the most affluent women in Lagos, living theirbest Eko-Miami lives. Plus, all the drama and gbas gbos you can expect from The Real Housewives franchise.”
The main cast (from L to R) includes:
Toyin Lawani (aka Tiannah Styling): Serial entrepreneur and unhinged fashion designer.
Chioma Ikoku (aka Chioma Goodhair): Lawyer, Co-founder of Goodhair LTD, and goddess of beauty.
Mariam Trimmer: PR expert and instigator of fun.
Carolyna Hutchings: Actress and self-proclaimed oil and gas mogul.
Iyabo Ojo: Actress and good vibes queen.
Laura Ikeji:Social media influencer and fashion blogger.
The show follows the same format as the other instalments. In every episode, one of the housewives throws a party as an excuse to gather the cast together in one place, with the production team hoping that drama of some kind will happen. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the messy fight that went down in this week’s episode.
In the last episode, Mariam invited the girls over to her house for a fancy lunch, which ended up becoming a late dinner because Carolyna and Chioma showed up like six hours late. Laura was clearly upset about the tardy duo keeping everyone waiting but said nothing, choosing instead to grumble over everything else (the food, the entertainment, etc) and attacking Chioma and Carolyna the next day in their WhatsApp group. Here’s the message she sent:
Chioma stayed silent through the whole thing but Carolyna was giving it back to Laura hot hot. The episode ended with Carolyn accusing Laura of being a runs girl who gets pimped out to Nigerian politicians for money.
Let’s get into the juicy part of the week’s episode
Stressed out by the tension stemming from the events of the last episode, Iyabo invites all the housewives to a meeting to squash the beef, but the exact opposite happens. Before we talk about the fights, let’s hold hands and gaze upon Toyin living her “Pennywise the dancing clown” fantasy.
Round 1: Iyabo Vs Laura
Iyabo starts the meeting by addressing everyone. Laura is in the corner looking smug because she thinks this meeting is for tackling Chioma and Carolyn’s late coming. She is shocked when Iyabo turns to her and is like:
Laura loudly asks to know why the girls are always on her ass about one thing or another, and Iyabo explains that it’s that Laura never verbally expresses when something is bothering her. She just channels all that energy into being a Debby Downer bringing down the vibe. The conversation perfectly segues into the next round.
Round 2: Toyin Vs Laura
Iyabo points out that Laura went into Super Saiyan Debber Downer mode at Mariam’s dinner and was rude to Toyin, even though Toyin was just trying to make sure Laura was ok. Toyin agrees and starts to talk about how Laura’s “You’re doing too much” comment made her feel when Laura takes the conversation in a different direction by accusing Toyin of being a terrible friend.
Toyin tries to explain that just because they’re friends doesn’t mean she has to support Laura’s bad behaviour, but Laura isn’t having it. They engage in a screaming match for like half a minute while Chioma and Iyabo loudly cackle in the corner.
When her gaslighting doesn’t work, Laura quickly apologises to Toyin, stating in her confessional that the only reason she apologised is so the other housewives won’t make fun of her for fighting with her only “real” friend.
Round 3: Carolyna Vs Laura
Laura tries to defend her anger that night by pointing out that Chioma and Carolyna must’ve planned to come for Mariam’s event later because they dressed in dinner clothes while the rest dressed for lunch. Carolyna, who has been quiet this whole time, comes alive and is like:
Laura ignores the comment and seemingly starts backtracking, claiming that the message she sent to the group chat — the one that started this whole thing — wasn’t directed at anybody in particular, which is insane because the message had Carolyna and Chioma’s names in it. Iyabo points this out, and Laura adds that she wasn’t even angry when she sent the message. Let’s read that message again.
The other housewives are like:
Carolyn accuses Laura of always wanting to start drama with her and Chioma because she wants more followers on social media. The reaction shot that follows this should be made into a painting.
Laura says this doesn’t make sense because she has more followers than Chioma and Carolyna combined. And she’s right.
They keep going back and forth while the others watch. Things get heated when Laura threatens to beat up Carolyna’s ass if she ever mentions her sister’s name (Linda). Carolyna is like:
And Laura goes to attack her, but the others hold her back. Carolyn keeps going by accusing Laura of being pimped to a Nigerian politician back in 2017. Laura denies it and jumps at Carolyna, but Mariam, like a rugby player, intercepts her, mistakenly losing her entire blouse and exposing her boobs in the process. (We don’t see it, but Toyin mentions it later.) Carolyn throws a cup of water into Laura’s face, Shangela style, which causes Laura to dash at Carolyna again but is held back by Chioma this time. Mariam is on the floor, clutching what’s left of her blouse to her chest. Some production crew members have to intervene, and it seems like things are calming down. Laura suddenly goes she-hulk on everyone and goes for Carolyna AGAIN. It takes the entire production crew to hold her down this time.
Round 4: Toyin Vs Laura (The Sequel)
Laura composes herself off-camera and announces that she’s leaving. Toyin walks with her to the elevator to make sure she’s ok, but she starts to cry, screaming about how Toyin didn’t stand up for her and claiming that if the roles were reversed, she would’ve done the needful. The episode ends with Laura declaring in her confessional that her friendship with Toyin is over.
Today, I will be reviewing the most insane mobile game ads I have ever seen.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
You know what?
I get it
The mobile game ecosystem is harsh. It’s hard to get noticed when thousands of developers worldwide are trying to make the next Among Us or Candy Crush. Even those games I just mentioned aren’t as popular as they used to be. They were hot for like a year or two and eventually went to join once-legendary games like Angry Birds and Subway Surfers in the mobile game afterlife in the recesses of our minds. The need to stand out is also why mobile game developers started lying about their games’ appearance in their ads.
The lies started small. And because I understood their plight, I was willing to overlook these cute little untruths. However, the lies have gotten out of hand. Mobile game developers have started lying about what the hell their games are about. They attack us on every website and social media with ads featuring the wildest plots this side of a Tyler Perry Productions and Wattpad crossover. So, today:
Because I can’t take it anymore.
Here are the most insane mobile game ads I’ve come across.
Let’s get into it
Merge Mansion.
In this video, a sad woman in a wedding dress gets down from a cab. Her dress is drenched, and her mascara is smudged, so it’s clear that this poor lady has been through it. When you think it can’t get worse, Sad Bride Lady (this is what I’m calling her now) turns around to see that her house has burned to the ground. Sad Bride Lady starts bawling her eyes out but is interrupted by a call from her grandma. Grandma gives Sad Bride Lady a house on the condition that Sad Bride Lady renovates the house herself. Sad Bride Lady gets to work and is having a blast serving Bob the Builder realness when Grandma suddenly gets arrested. As she’s being driven away in the police car, Grandma gives an evil smile and sticks her palm to the glass to show Sad Bride Lady a message: He’s still alive.
Who’s still alive?? Sad Bride Lady’s fiancé who left her at the altar? I assumed that he ran off with some other girl. But could Grandma be the reason he never showed up? None of these questions are answered when you play the game because it has no story whatsoever. The entire game play is just Sad Bride Lady cleaning an enormous house.
It’s like The Sims, but for people who like to clean.
If anyone knows the name of this game, please drop it in the comments because WTF??
In this hilariously horrifying clip, a red-haired, heavily pregnant woman is walking down the street when she spots her boyfriend crossing the street hand in hand with another heavily pregnant woman. Before red-haired, heavily pregnant woman can process the fact that her boyfriend has shared his seed with another woman, she gets hit square in the stomach by a football that comes out of nowhere. She falls to the ground crying as her water breaks and forms a pool around her.
Again, WTF?
Project Makeover
Two hot girls are working out at the gym. I’m describing it as working out, but all that’s happening is that one girl is releasing incredibly toxic farts (the fumes are green) into the other girl’s face. Before you have a chance to ask whatever the fuck is going on, the camera pans out to reveal that they’re being watched by an unkempt girl who seems to also has a fart fetish. She longs to join them but knows she can’t until she gets a makeover. So she showers and attempts to look presentable but doesn’t do a great job. She approaches the farting ladies but is told to fuck off with more vitriol than Benita Nzeribe used to tell Rita Dominic that she stinks with poverty in that one old Nollywood clip.
The moral of this story: Always be down for a makeover so you’ll never be turned away from an orgy for being too ugly.
Whispers
These screenshots tell the whole story. The guy in red flannel loves his wife but can’t resist the sheer hotness of his suit-clad boss. After thinking it through for a few seconds, and because body no be firewood, he gives in to the carnal pleasures of the flesh and lets his boss give him a hand job.
It’s a tale as old as time, really.
Tasty Makeovers
This one is just like the ad where a pregnant lady gets hit in the stomach by a football. A pregnant woman, who looks a lot like Britney Spears returns from the grocery store, complete with a baguette and celery sticking out of the brown paper bag, to find her husband doing some Kamasutra sex shit with another woman. The husband is spread out on the dining table while the mistress hangs from the ceiling with Christmas lights on some Cirque du Soleil shit and vacuums his tonsils with her tongue. Pregnant lady has two options: endure or leave, and she leaves and delivers her baby alone in a building with no roof in the middle of a snowstorm.
Let’s end this one that took meta to a whole other level.
Girl, I’m done.
The End
To the developers putting out these insane mobile game ads, maybe your games would do well if you put as much effort into the actual gameplay as you do the fraudulent ads.
Today, I will be reviewing the 1999 Nollywood horror- adventure movie, Igodo.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Let’s get into it
The movie starts with a woman giving birth. She’s dressed in potato sack couture and is clearly not having a good time.
As soon as the baby is out of her, her husband runs into the hut, snatches up the bloodied up baby, and runs out!
After brandishing the baby for the rest of the villagers to see…
…he spends all day running up a mountain to dedicate the baby to Amadioha, while the villagers bow and exalt.
The title card and opening credits roll, and when those are done, we’re at a funeral.
As I’m trying to find out if the person being buried is relevant to the plot, something strange happens. Someone else who is not present at this funeral dies, and the movie immediately cuts to that person’s death scene to reveal that the same women who were crying at the funeral at the start of the film are also here, in the same clothes.
I decide here that it’s either one of two things:
These women are professional mourners hired to cry at funerals and have a uniform.
They are regular people who return from the funeral of a loved one to discover yet another freshly dead loved one.
Sadly, the second option is the correct one. We find out that a shit ton of people have been dying around the village recently, and no one knows why or who’s next. The village king gathers his elders in his palace to figure out what the fuck is going on.
They’re no closer to solving the mystery after engaging in a circle jerk of proverbs. So they bring in the village Dibia to help them ask Amadioha what’s happening. Amadioha airs the Dibia’s message, so he suggests they bring in a man he thinks would know the origin of the curse wreaking havoc across the village. A man named Igodo.
This guy.
Igodo arrives and begins telling his story, which happened 50 years before the start of the film and is shown to us in an extended flashback. I’ll be narrating Igodo’s story in the present tense.
Igodo’s story begins
The child born and dedicated to Amadioha in the opening scene is named Ihekwumere and is destined to become the Igwe. A group of adults who are jealous of the child decide to kill him and his entire family. They succeed in killing his parents, but he escapes into the evil forest. After several days, a hunter finds Ihekwumere and takes him in as his son. Ihekwmere becomes a rich and handsome nigga who draws all the babes, but this doesn’t sit well with the seven agbaya elders in the town. They have him killed by burying him alive, and he curses the village with his dying breath.
An enormous magic tree grows at the place of his death and becomes the source of the village’s problems. The Dibia figures out what the tree is doing and assembles a team of seven men who are tasked with going through the evil forest to the hills of Amadioha to retrieve the only object capable of cutting down the magic tree: a magic knife. Here are the seven people chosen for this mission.
Now we know why Igodo has all the tea. Also, I get why the hunter, the wrestler, and the warrior are in this lineup, but why are the rest here? The movie never explains.
The Dibia gathers the men — without giving them a choice btw — and gives them a set of rules for when they’re confronted by literally anything in the evil forest.
The men — I’ll refer to as The Fellowship of the Knife — gear up and set off on their task. Their wives, accompanied by the other women in the village, march with them, crying because they believe their husbands are going on a suicide mission.
The fellowship of the knife have just taken a few steps into the evil forest when this happens:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s why….
The next few scenes are just of the fellowship running into different entities in the forest that try to kill them. While crossing a river, the thicc and juicy river idol tries to drown Izu (the farmer).
But Nwoke (the drummer) saves him. Up next, they come across:
Igodo informs everyone that the only way to avoid the wahala of Ejima is to keep going without looking back or talking. Okonta (the climber) gets spooked and lets out a high-pitched scream, causing Ejima to start firing CGI balls of light into his body. You know what? Just watch what happens.
Shoutout to Egbunna, the hunter for saving Okonta’s life.
They get to a small stream called the river of temptation. As they cross it, Izu hears his father’s voice calling out to him. He turns around, and this happens:
The evil forest is like:
During their first night in the forest, Egbunna (the hunter) hears something moving around their camp and blindly fires at it, thinking it’s a wild animal.
But he shoots Okonta (the climber) by mistake, instantly killing him. The evil forest:
A tribe of flesh-eating forest people attack the fellowship and manage to kill Nwoke (the drummer). The tribe is like:
The evil forest is like:
Meanwhile, people back home are still dying left and right so the people decide to take things into their own hands by attacking the evil magic tree with machetes and shit. As they strike the first blow, the tree starts to bleed.
To their horror, the people find out that the tree binds itself to every sitting king of the village. Any harm that comes to the tree also happens to the king.
They get to a river named the river of silence, a river that they’re supposed to remain silent while crossing. Ikenna (the wrestle) talks for some reason, falls into the river and is immediately eaten by crocodiles. The evil forest is like:
Only Igodo, Agwu (the warrior), and Egbunna (the hunter) are left. They’ve barely made it over the river of silence when they’re attacked by what I can only describe as a human-sized blue and yellow chicken.
After running for a while, they finally arrive at the cave containing the magical knife they seek. The lighting inside this cave is piss poor, and for most of this scene, I can’t see shit. Agwu tries to grab the knife from its resting place but is spiritually electrocuted. A creepy older man steps out of the darkness and introduces himself as the guardian of the knife. He informs the fellowship that one of them has to sacrifice himself to get the knife. After a brief argument, Egbunna volunteers to do it. He steps into a hole in the wall and lets out an agonising scream.
Then silence.
When the sacrifice is made, Igodo and Agwu grab the knife and run away as fast as their animal skin skirts will let them. They run out of water, and Agwu is about to pass out from thirst when his wife sashays out from behind a tree.
Agwu is too delirious to think straight, but Igodo sees this for what it is: the evil forest messing with their minds.
Agwu goes to hug his wife, and this happens:
Igodo returns to the village by himself with the magical knife.
The long ass flashback ends, and we return to the present day where old man Igodo is telling the story.
This part confuses me. Young Igodo returns with the knife, which makes me assume that he went straight to cut the evil magic tree. But in the present, old Igodo tells them to cut the tree if they want their problems to end. Why didn’t they cut the tree back then? Did the killings stop? Anyway, the movie ends with the villagers coming together to cut down the tree.
I will be recapping the 2022 Nigerian Netflix original series, Blood Sisters.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Listen
In total honesty, I went into Blood Sisters on Netflix thinking it would suck. Contrary to what some people believe, I’m not a hater. It’s just that Nollywood has done us dirty so many times that I’ve become disenchanted. I’ve trained myself not to expect good products to avoid having my hopes dashed. So when I started this limited series, I expected more of the same thing they’ve done for years.
Ladies and gentlemen, within a few minutes, I was hooked.
I’m blown away by how good Blood Sisters is. It actually has me on the edge of my seat.
The show had me in such a chokehold that I binged it all in one sitting. I laughed, cried, and gagged all through. I was screaming at my laptop like that one annoying person in the cinema who reacts to everything happening onscreen. Annoyance would’ve driven them to murder me if I were watching this with people. It would’ve been like that scene in Scary Movie where Regina Hall’s character is noisy during a screening of Shakespeare in Love, so the other cinema patrons — led by Gandhi and Mother Theresa — band together to stab her to death.
Don’t ask how this happened. Just enjoy it.
To be clear, I’m not saying that Blood Sisters is perfect. If you pay close attention, a few things are off here and there. But it gets so much right that I can’t bring myself to tackle it the way I do the other movies in this series. So we’re going to do something different today. When I watch a movie to recap for this series, I take notes (random thoughts and questions) about it as I go along. I’m going to put out the random thoughts I had about the first two episodes of Blood Sisters while watching it. If you have any musings about the show, add them in the comments.
Episode 1
The first scene is of two women hiding a body? It’sgiving How To Get Away With Murder tease, and I’m here for it.
Did Kola spend his entire business meeting working on the drawing of Sarah? That’s low-key rude. If I were one of the other people in that meeting, I’d be pissed.
Nancy Isime in a bob wig? “What’s your name B.O.B? So they calling you BOB?!”
Femi (Gabriel Afolayan) and Yinka’s (Kehinde Bankole) dynamic is giving discount “Andre and Anika Lyon from Empire” vibes.
A small part of me was terrified that this would be a remake of old Nollywood’s Blood Sisters, and I am so happy this it’s not that.
I’m happy that Daniel Etim Effiong is in this. I like seeing his face.
This assassin is awful at his job. He’s not even trying to blend in.
Uche Jumbo is playing Ini-Dima Okojie’s mother? Uche is only 11 years older than Ini-Dima. Why not just cast someone older?
Wow. Uduak (Kate Henshaw) just dey squeeze face like monkey wey lick lime. Who shit in her oatmeal?
Why does Uduak keep french-kissing her son, Kola? Why is no one else reacting to it?
Whew. These outfits are giving ELEGANZA EXTRAVAGANZA. Give the costume designer for this movie all the awards.
Kola left his business meeting, saying he didn’t want to be late for his wedding. This event is an engagement.
I am also living for these wigs. Throw in some awards, too, for whoever handled hair.
Ramsey Nouah is in this. Someone should ask him why he spells his last name that way. It’s so confusing, and I have to google every time.
Timeyin (Genoveva Umeh) just showed up, and I already stan her.
This assassin could’ve at least worn a native attire. Now Kola has spotted him.
Lmao. Kola is whooping this assassin’s ass.
Kola just let the assassin go?!
Uche Jumbo is acting the house down, but even this pussycat wig isn’t enough to properly age her.
Uduak is not even pretending to be excited by this engagement.
The shoulders of Uduak’s wedding attire are giving Voltron realness.
Kemi (Nancy Isime) chopped that head clean off. She’s hardcore. I want to hang out with her.
Where did Sarah and Kemi get housekeeping uniforms?
It’s funny that the security man who stops the girls as they’re moving Kola’s body says that the bride looks seems like a woman that emasculates men for fun but can’t even recognise her. Nawa.
Why was the photographer hanging out in the parking lot?
They decided to bury Kola in the middle of a construction site?! GIRL!
Episode 2
Not Uduak throwing Sarah out of the house! Skshsksndk
Uduak never passes up a chance to call people poor. I love it.
Why is Timeyin always dressed like…this?
Sarah hasn’t stopped sweating since the murder happened. I feel so bad for her.
Timeyin giving it to Femi hot hot and I love it.
The way I laughed when Uduak called Timeyin a useless addict who will always find her way to drugs has definitely earned me a one way ticket to hell.
I love that Kemi is finding the time to serve lewks in the middle of all this.
What is the point of this sex scene between Femi and Yinka?
What in the world is going on with Inspector Slo’s (Wale Ojo) accent?
Yinka trying to bribe Timeyin with a buffet of drugs is truly the most evil thing I have ever seen.
Uduak’s outfits are becoming more unhinged as the show goes on, and hunty, I am living.
The suit that Kemi wears to go ask Ibrahim (Eso Dike Okolocha) for a gun is so fucking fabulous.
While we’re kinda on his matter, why does Ibrahim sound like Jennifer Tilly?
You know what? I, too, would run over the photographer. He’s annoying as shit, and I don’t feel bad for him.
I don’t understand why Kenny is still doing gun body for Sarah. Something tells me he’ll get in trouble for not staying away.
Another Femi and Yinka sex scene?!
Now that Kola’s body has been found, how is Femi going to explain that he was lying when he said he’d been hearing from Kola?
I must be a horrible person because the scream of despair Uduak lets out after finding out about Kola’s death made me giggle.
The scene where Inspector Slo talks about working with the Chicago PD for twenty years is funny but it still doesn’t explain why his accent is inconsistent.
Everybody needs a friend like Kemi tbh. She’s so resourceful and street smart.
I need a friend like Kemi. I would not last two seconds in a scenario like this.
Uncle B (Ramsey Nouah) still hasn’t said a word.
This scene where Kemi and Sarah plan to run away together is so damn touching. Nancy Isime and Ini-Dima Okojie are acting the house down.
The car Uncle B drives is cool and all but the whole idea of tailing someone is to be inconspicuous. Not only is his car so unique, but it’s also now light blue. Sksnzkdndk!
The End
Blood Sisters isn’t perfect but it’s a damn fun ride and upgrade from most of the stuff Nollywood has served us recently. It’s on Netflix. Go check it out.
Today, I will be recapping the 2022 erotic thriller, 365 Days: This Day.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
This wildly imperfect cinema masterpiece is the sequel to the equally awful 2020 film, 365 Days. If you haven’t seen that, click here to read my recap of it before you start reading this. Or read this first and experience everything in reverse. Don’t let me tell you what to do.
Before we start, let’s all join hands and gaze upon this movie’s Rotten Tomato rating.
TRULY ICONIQUE!
Let’s get into it
Surprise! Even though it looked like she died at the end of the last movie in a Princess Diana style assassination attempt orchestrated by Massimo’s enemies, Laura is alive and well. How? The film doesn’t care about explaining, so I don’t care either. The movie starts with what looks like Massimo and Laura’s wedding. Massimo is wearing a black tuxedo, and Laura is in a wedding dress and the most unconvincing wig I’ve ever seen.
It’s all love and fun as we’re shown a close-up montage of the love birds kissing and hugging. Then out of nowhere, Massimo hoists up Laura’s wedding dress and they start furiously bumping genitals.
Now, I’m well aware of what goes on in this franchise so I expected more sex scenes than Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. What I did not expect, though, was to see them having sex on their wedding day in front of their friends and family. So I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clutching my non-existent pearls like:
When a woman suddenly screams. I know it’s not Laura screaming in ecstacy because they haven’t even been fucking for long. The camera pans out to reveal that Massimo and Laura have been alone this entire time. It’s their wedding rehearsal dinner, and the scream we just heard is from Laura’s best friend and maid of honour, Olga, who’s just mistakenly walked in on them while innocently bringing Laura a variety of potential wedding night lingerie.
Massimo and Laura get married for real in the next scene, surrounded by their friends (?) and family (??), and it’s all super cute. When they get home that night, Massimo looks deep into Laura’s eyes and says:
But Laura is like:
She ties him to a chair and proceeds to masturbate in front of him.
As I’m wondering if Massimo had something more erotic planned and is probably disappointed by this, the camera cuts to a closeup of his face, and I stop wondering because he’s clearly having the time of his life.
When he can’t take it anymore, he breaks free from the chair, tackles Laura to the bed, and they both engage in a genital meet & greet.
And so begins their honeymoon, which mostly consists of them having sex every minute of every day. Here they are having sex the next morning:
Here they are about to have sex on a golf course:
Here they having sex in a jacuzzi:
And here they are having sex in the pool:
When the honeymoon ends, they return to the real world, and Laura soon realises that Massimo hasn’t changed. He’s overprotective and refuses to let her go anywhere or do anything without bodyguards. To avoid her nagging, Massimo sends her and Olga on a vacation. While they’re there, Laura says something about feeling bad for Massimo because he’s always working (i.e. doing mafia stuff) and all she does is eat his money. Olga is like:
You know what Laura decides to give him?
You guessed it. SEX.
Money, clothes, fast cars, and vacations aren’t enough to quell Laura’s desire for independence. She once again asks Massimo to:
And Massimo is like:
Because she almost died in a car bombing, he must make sure that she’s always safe. Laura gives up and lounges in her enormous garden when a hot ass gardener sashays into the movie’s plot. He introduces himself as Nacho — I die laughing because NACHO?! — and is sexy as hell. Seriously, his introduction montage has strong photoshoot-before-the-porn-scene energy. He flirts heavily with her…
…and she caves immediately because Nacho is a stunner.
Christmas comes along, and Massimo admits that he was wrong for being overprotective. He gives Laura a clothing line because he knows she likes fashion, and Laura is over the moon. She says she’ll give him something he’ll never forget as a thank you. If you’ve been paying attention, you already know what that is.
A few weeks later, Laura is at a party with Massimo when he suddenly disappears. She goes looking for him and catches him having a quickie with his ex-girlfriend, Anna.
Laura is distraught. She runs out of the party and comes across Nacho, asking that he get her out of there. After driving the whole night (the party is happening at night and it’s morning by the time they stop driving), Laura says she wants to leave Massimo and never come back. Nacho seizes the opportunity and is like:
You would think that after being kidnapped in the first movie, Laura would know not to go off with strange men. But she’s like:
While Massimo is sad that Laura has gone MIA, she’s busy living it up on a beach with Nacho.
As all this happening, I’m wondering how a gardener is able to afford a beach house. I mean, look at this:
It’s randomly revealed that the person we saw having sex with Anna at the party wasn’t Massimo, but MASSIMO’S TWIN BROTHER, ADRIANO! Adriano has been working with Massimo’s ex-girlfriend, Anna. They planned to get Laura on her own that night and kidnap her, but Nacho just happened to show up (?) Anyway, Adriano is doing all this because he’s jealous that their father left the family’s empire to Massimo and not him.
Shonda Rhimes was found dead on the set of “How To Get Away With Murder.”
Laura is starting to catch feelings for Nacho. As she’s having a sex dream about him one night, someone breaks into the house, but Nacho knocks the person out. When Laura asks how he can afford a beach house on a gardener’s salary, Nacho mumbles something about a wealthy father and distracts her with his hotness. He later reveals that he’s the son of a mafia family that’s the rival of Massimo’s. Laura is pissed.
Nacho reveals that he worked for Massimo as a gardener so he could kidnap her for his father. His father plans to use her as a bargaining chip to get Massimo to step down as the leader of his mafia family.
See ehn, I’m as confused as you are by all this.
Nacho’s father summons Massimo to tell him all this, and in the middle of the meeting, they all realise that Laura, who Nacho brought with him and handed to his father’s bodyguards, is somehow missing. Massimo and Nacho go looking and find Laura with Adriano and Anna. After spitting exposition everywhere, we get the funniest Mexican standoff in the history of film. Anna shoots Laura in the stomach.
So Nacho shoots Anna square in the boobs.
Adriano attempts to shoot Massimo but Massimo pumps bullets into Adriano’s shoulders.
Nacho briefly considers shooting Massimo in the face but decides against it and leaves. And so the movie ends, with a crane shot of Massimo crying with Laura in his arms.
Here’s the thing, though. I know Laura isn’t dead. How do I know this? Because the third movie in the franchise is coming in a few years. Yes, we’re getting another one!
Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood movie, The Man of God.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Based on screen time, one of the people on this poster shouldn’t be here. By the end of this, you’ll be able to tell who.
The movie starts at an unspecific point in history, during a church service. Josiah Obalolu (Jude Chukwuma), a pastor, is preaching in front of his congregation, and it looks like everyone in the audience is feeling the holy spirit.
Well, not everyone, sha. The pastor’s son, Samuel, isn’t moved by all the things going on around him.
At some point, Samuel goes outside to play with his homies. When his father notices Samuel’s absence, he goes looking for him, finds him outside playing, and is pissed.
It’s made clear that the pastor is physically and verbally abusive towards Samuel and that these beatings are frequent. After one of such beatings, Samuel reveals to his mother that one day, he’s going to leave them and never return, also promising to leave religion behind. Years later, Samuel (Akah Nnani) has seemingly done this. He has gone off to university and is now the quintessential Nollywood bad boy, who does shady things like sell drugs for money. He also moonlights as discount Fela Kuti in his free time.
After his performance, Samuel meets his friend, Teju (Osas Ighodaro), who he’s known since childhood. She’s come to give him the handout for a lecture he missed, and it’s through her we find out that Samuel has a ton of carryovers because he dedicates all his time to his musical gigs. At some point in the conversation, Teju says, “You owe me 30 bucks for that printout,” and this makes my head jam. Because look at the printout she’s referring to:
That’s a lot of pages for N30. This immediately has me wondering when exactly this movie is taking place. A bulky handout like that could only be N30 in the 2000s, but nothing about what they (or the extras in the back) are wearing indicates that. I’m confused as shit, so I put out this message on Instagram and keep watching.
Actual photo of me watching the movie on the 18th of April 2022.
Samuel receives a letter from his mother begging him to come home but he ignores it. Teju is a church girl and has been trying to get Samuel to come to her fellowship for years. So they come to an agreement that if she attends one of his shows, he’ll go for her fellowship. She attends his next show with her friend from church, Joy (Atlanta Bridget Johnson), who Samuel is immediately smitten with.
But she’s like:
Before Samuel can say more, his girlfriend, backup singer, and fellow drug dealer, Rekya (Dorcas Shola Fapson), notices what’s going on and forces them to leave. Samuel becomes obsessed with Joy and tries to get Teju to give him her room number — not her phone number oh, room number — but this pisses Teju off for some reason, causing her to storm off. While driving one day, he sees Joy taking a stroll and is like:
Can my fellow Barbie Girl fans in the house make some FUCKING NOISE?!!
After driving around for a while and actually clicking, Samuel expresses that he has feelings for her but she doesn’t give an answer. When he notices how uncomfortable she is, he says they can start off as friends, and she agrees. They start hanging out more and he joins her fellowship, which makes her fall for him hard.
Inappropriate because he has a girlfriend he’s cheating on.
It’s revealed that Teju has harboured a secret crush on Samuel for years and is heartbroken by his and Joy’s union, so she vanishes from their lives and the plot of the movie.
Meanwhile, members of Joy’s fellowship don’t like that she’s hanging out and possibly bumping genitals with a bad boy. So they send one of their own, Pastor BJ (Prince Enwerem) to tell her that:
Pastor BJ also reveals that Samuel is the son of the now famous Prophet Josiah Obalolu, which, for some reason, upsets Joy so much that she breaks up with Samuel for not telling her about who he really is. Samuel is distraught. He follows her around campus like a lost dog for days and keeps leaving letters under her door until she caves and starts dating him again. They reunite in front of the school’s library.
Rekya informs Samuel that she has dropped out of school and bought a house in town with all the money from her recent drug deals. She also drops this bombshell:
Let’s pause for a second.
Rekya mentions earlier in the movie that the drug deal she’s embarking on will make her at least N1 million. This brings me back to the question of what time period this movie takes place. Tell me how she was able to buy a house with N1 million. In what economy???
My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022.
Here’s the TV I’m talking about:
Again I ask, WHERE IN TIME IS THIS MOVIE HAPPENING?!
Rekya japas and disappears from the movie’s plot. A few weeks later, Samuel starts to sense a disconnect between him and Joy. He talks to her about it but she says it’s because she’s been studying for their final exams, something he isn’t doing because he knows he’s going to have an extra year. She assures him that nothing will ever come between them. But at Joy’s graduation party, Pastor BJ introduces her to a fine ass guest pastor named Zach (Mawuli Gavor) and Samuel can tell that something is off.
And he’s right. Immediately after Joy graduates, Samuel stops hearing from her. After four months of trying to find out what happened, Pastor BJ informs Samuel that Joy is now married to — wait for it — PASTOR ZACH. Samuel understandably loses his shit and falls into a deep depression. With both Rekya and Joy gone from the movie, Teju sashays back into the plot and nurses Samuel back to health.
An unspecified number of years later, Samuel and Teju are married and workers at a church headed by Pastor and Mrs Asuquo (Patrick Doyle and Eucharia Anunobi). Samuel hates working at the church because Pastor Mrs is always on his neck about one thing or the other. Pastor Mrs calls for a worker’s meeting after church one day and says that she’s heard rumours of him sleeping with random young girls in the church. Samuel denies it but Teju doesn’t believe him and is like:
Samuel says that if she, his wife, can’t trust him, then their marriage is a mistake. Teju, who doesn’t want to lose the man she’s always wanted, breaks down and begs for forgiveness. She later finds out that Samuel did get a girl in the church pregnant when the girl sends the abortion receipts (?) to their house (and later dies). Teju says and does nothing.
Rekya returns to the movie. She’s rich as fuck now because she’s upped her game from smuggling drugs to something else she refuses to talk about. She encourages Samuel to start a church because church business is big business, and he takes her advice, lying to Teju that God ordered him to start a church.
In no time, they too become rich AF Daddy and Mummy GO. Their church grows so big that ZACH and JOY attend one day, not knowing that Samuel is the pastor. Samuel takes this opportunity to be petty as hell.
Samuel also tries to convince Joy to get back with him.
Samuel’s younger brother, a character who has never been mentioned or shown until now, shows up at Samuel’s house one day to read him for filth because their mother has died of a broken heart.
The insult from his brother makes Samuel decide that he wants to escape to Canada to start a new life. He invests in Rekya’s mystery business so he can cash out and japa, leaving Teju behind. Teju finds out and confronts him which leads to him saying something along the lines of:
Teju is fucking livid.
And she proceeds to do just that.
Samuel gets a phone from the police saying that Rekya is dead (they don’t specify how) and that the mystery business she was involved in is organ trafficking, with his name coming up as one of her contacts. He denies that he’s spoken to her recently, but Teju glams up just to go expose him to the police. He gets arrested, and after an unspecified number of years, returns from prison to his father’s church wearing the most unconvincing head and beard wig combo I’ve ever seen.
My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022, when I was done watching the movie.
If you expected this to be a story about a guy going out into the world and working through the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father as a child but got served a weird prodigal’s son tale instead, join the club. We’ve got biscuits and tea in the back.
I have questions
Are we not just going to address his father’s abuse?
Why is Mawuli Gavor on the movie’s poster? He’s literally in only three scenes and each one is like 10 seconds long.
What time period is the movie set in?
What happened to Teju? She knew about Samuel’s shady dealings and did nothing, which kinda makes her an accomplice.
How did Rekya die?
Did Joy meet and marry Zach in the space of 4 months?
Why did Joy do Samuel dirty like that?
What time period is the movie set in?
Where was Samuel’s younger brother the entire time?
At some point in the movie, Samuel’s mother says she’s going to Lagos to look for him. Did she ever go?
What was the point of having the girl Samuel impregnated die after the botched abortion?
What was the point of having the impregnated girl’s sister go to the police?
What time period is the movie set in?
Why didn’t Rekya care that Samuel was publicly cheating on her with Joy?
How long was Samuel in prison that his brother and father still looked the same when he got out?
Today, I will be recapping the 2006 Nollywood crime heist (?) movie, Girl’s Cot.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
I know that this was 2006 but these Darling Yaki wigs are sending me!
Before we begin, I need you all to know that the director of Girl’s Cot, Afam Okereke, is also responsible for Beyonce & Rihanna and White Hunters. Do whatever you want with that information.
The movie starts with a thrilling car chase on the traffic-free roads of Abuja. Four girls dressed in shake & go wigs and insane early 2000s fashions are in an SUV being pursued by the police.
The girls drive into the compound of a lavish-looking mansion and lock the gate before the police can catch up to them. When the police van gets to the house, the detective present orders the policemen to storm the house and arrest the girls but the men are like, “Lol. No.” The detective asks:
And the men are like:
As the policemen are discussing where on the bad bitch scale the girls are, the girls emerge from the house to taunt the policemen…
…before going back in. The policemen are just there like:
I find all this incredibly amusing but I’m also confused as to what the hell is going on. As if on cue, the movie cuts to a flashback to explain how this group of girls came to be. Alicia (Rita Dominic) is a university student who is poor as shit. She gets into sex work but keeps getting screwed over by customers (literally and figuratively) who fuck and run without paying.
Alicia is chilling on her street corner one night when she meets Eve (Ini Edo). Eve gives Alicia some money and invites Alicia to come to live with her in her dorm room. Alicia gets to Eve’s dorm room and meets Eve’s roommate, Bella (Uche Jombo Rodriguez), who immediately expresses intense dislike for Alicia.
Alicia’s determination to become a happening babe on campus is what gives us what has become the most iconic Nollywood scene of all time. A group of popular campus babes are going to a party. Alicia sees them as they’re on their way and asks if she can go with them. You know what? You need to watch this scene yourself if you haven’t already.
The popular girls storm off and Alicia is left standing there like:
Eve, Alicia, and Bella are in their dorm room one day when a girl named Queen (Genevieve Nnaji) sashays in and says she was assigned to that room by the school. Bella tries to tell her off because they’re already three in the room but Queen subtly tells Bella to fuck off to hell.
Queen says that her father is the vice president of Nigeria but begs the girls not to tell anyone so she doesn’t draw unnecessary attention. When they ask the obvious question:
Queen says that she wants to feel what it’s like to live like the common man. Eve welcomes Queen with open arms and later tries to steal her shoes.
But gets caught in the act by Queen.
Eve is terrified that Queen will expose her but for some reason, Queen has no problems with being robbed. She even gives Eve a few of her shoes. Eve has no idea what to make of this behaviour but is happy to not be exposed as a thief.
Alicia and Bella are by themselves in the room one afternoon when Alicia catches Bella doing this:
After a few minutes of heavy flirting, Alicia reveals that she too is about that life and is like:
Since they’re both alone in the room, they proceed to bump genitals.
This storyline is weird and came out of nowhere but let’s see where they’ll go with it sha.
A few days later, Queen invites the girls to a party that’ll be attended by the top politicians in the country. The girls are about to turn down the invitation because they have nothing fancy to wear when Queen offers to buy clothes for all of them. They excitedly accept her offer and have the time of their lives at the party. At school the next day, they’re all bragging about the money they made from the men they met when Queen is like:
The girls are gagged and not in a good way. They start to argue but Queen shuts them up with the reminder that she spent a lot so they could attend the party. She also points out that her connections helped them make all that money and if they don’t give her what she’s asking, they’ll never have access to those rich men again. Defeated, the girls acquiesce to her demands, and she officially becomes their pimp.
Queen is walking across campus one day when a random student runs up to her and says this:
Queen is confused as to why the cultists would do this when the guy informs her that it’s because her secret is out. The whole school now knows that her father is the Vice President. Queen quickly moves out of the hostel and into a lavish-looking mansion in town; the same one the girls drive into in the movie’s opening scene. She invites the other girls to move in with her and they happily agree.
After going on a ₦1.6 million shopping spree, Queen gathers the girls and says:
Queen proposes that they become professional blackmailers for a living. The rest of the girls are apprehensive about doing this, probably because they’ve seen the 1996 action thriller, Set It Off,and don’t like how that movie ended for the protagonists, but Queen points out the skills they possess that’ll ensure their success.
After the pep talk from Queen, the girls agree.
Their jobs are simple. Queen and Eve bring the rich and powerful men they’re dating to the house.
Alicia comes in and seduces them.
The girls secretly make a video of the sexual encounter and then blackmail the men with it.
This movie clearly takes place in an alternate universe where a Nigerian politician’s career can actually be affected by something like a sex tape. Let’s just go along with it.
When a few of the politicians they’ve blackmailed report them to the police, they get Bella to sleep with the Inspector General of Police and blackmail him so he’ll make sure they’re untouchable.
And with this, the long-ass flashback ends and we end up where the movie began. Queen and the girls had just stolen a shit ton of pure gold from one of their victims and that’s why they were being chased by the police. They’re a menace. All of Abuja knows about their antics but no one can do anything about it.
Meanwhile, Alicia and Bella are having relationship drama. Alicia suggested that they elope to another country so they can get married and live openly but Bella is like, “Fuck no” because she wants to marry a man and have kids. Alicia feels like she’s been deceived and is constantly pissed but can’t explain to Queen or Eve why because her and Bella’s relationship is still a secret.
The movie gets super messy from here. Alicia finds out that Bella has a secret fiancé and sleeps with him to get back at her. Bella is pissed by this and moves out of the house. It’s revealed that Queen has a serious boyfriend who she genuinely loves. It’s also revealed that he’s been cheating on her with Eve.
The Inspector-General wants to do the right thing but doesn’t want his life ruined so he quits his job and flees. All the girls are arrested. The Vice President FINALLY shows up and reveals that Queen is indeed his daughter but from an illegitimate relationship. Queen accepts that she’s going to prison for life for her crimes but not before releasing an audio clip of the Vice President threatening to kill her and get rid of her body. Things end badly for everybody.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be reviewing the insane wigs on the Netflix reality show, Young, Famous & African.
To quote the iconic SNL character, Stefan, Netflix’s new reality series, Young, Famous & African, has EVERYTHING.
Attractive people
Hot mess
Insane outfits
Boss ladies
Pointless drama
Themed-parties
Extravagant displays of affluence
An incredibly disturbing relationship that the producers decided to make the main storyline of the show because they knew it would get people talking.
But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. If you want to experience these things for yourself, go watch the show. It’s streaming on Netflix. Get your entire life.
What we’re here to discuss today are the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad wigs on the show. Specifically, the wigs that made an appearance on the head of cast member, Khanyi Mbau.
Now, I love Khanyi. She’s my favourite member of the cast because she gave everything a reality show start is supposed to give.But you you know what she gave that we didn’t want? Thise wigs. It’s clear that her hair and makeup people hate and don’t mean her well. You want proof? Keep reading.
This wig isn’t awful but it does look like a hairy beret, and that bothers me.
This wig looks like it tried to be Angela Bassett’s wig from Black Panther but failed.
This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 3: The Last Stand.
This wig is a small forest rodent. That’s why it was trying to flee her head in this scene.
Another X-Men wig?! THIS is Famke Janssen’s lace front from X-Men 3: The Last Stand!
This wig is a hat.
Last and the absolute worst
This one greatly upset me and my homegirls because not only was she sitting in the midst of friends and behind-the-scenes crew members of the show, she was also sitting next to her boyfriend, and NONE of them could tao her and say, “Hunty, your wig is trying to escape. Please, hold it down.”
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
If you’re here for the backstory as to why the slap happened, you’ve missed road.I’m here to tell my version of events.
17th of March, 2022.
The time is 11 am and because Nigeria is hell, I don’t have power. I’m hard at work pretending to like my neighbour so she can let me charge her devices in her house, after a lot of small talk, I succeed. As I settle down to work, I see it; the tweet that’s going to send me down the rabbit hole.
It’s a hot summer’s (?) day. Chukwuma Soludo’s inauguration as the new governor of Anambra state is ongoing, and it’s as boring as you can imagine. A bunch of old people take turns at a podium reading speeches even they don’t give a shit about. All the people present are praying for the event to end so they can get back to whatever it is Nigerian politicians do when Ebelechukwu Obiano, the wife of the outgoing governor of Anambra (Wille Obiano) spots her archnemesis, Bianca Ojukwu, sitting across from her and decides to inject some much-needed excitement into the event’s proceedings.
This lady
Ebelechuckwu gets up from her seat and swings her arms dramatically as she sashays across the inauguration venue towards Bianca Ojukwu, wife of the late Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu. With the insane sleeves of her pink frilly dress billowing in the wind, Ebelechukwu isn’t moving with the body language of a person with violence on her mind so what happens next shocks everyone.
And with that, Bianca gracefully stands up and slaps Ebelechuckwu across the face so hard, it shifts Ebelechuckwu’s wig to the middle of her head.
The slap is thunderous. Legend has it that if you listen hard enough, you can still hear the innocent onlookers scream:
Ebelechukwu tries to retaliate with a slap of her own but doesn’t get the chance. Security agents have already gotten in between them. When Ebelechukwu thinks about how she has brought about her own embarrassment on national TV, creating a shameful moment that will live on the internet forever — a moment that wouldn’t have happened if she had just sat down and eaten her food, she is FUCKING FURIOUS. What she does next is probably all she can think of to save face. Across the sea of people between them, she looks at Bianca and yells:
Lol.
The cast of the Real Housewives of Lagos better be taking notes. This is the type of chaos we expect from them.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be putting together a list of the worst International Women’s Day 2022 celebratory messages from Nigerian brands.
It’s that time of year again, when we as Nigerians on the internet put our differences aside and come together to drag all the Nigerians brands who put out unintentionally hilarious and mildly offensive International Women’s Day messages in failed attempts to be witty. Without foda ado, let’s…Fisayo Fosudo’s lawyers just broke down my door and are waving a cease & desist! skdhsjkhdjkhfk…!
ALAT
On the morning of International Women’s Day 2022, ALAT hit us with this; a video of a WhatsApp chat going on between two people. An unnamed person texts someone named Chris and after exchanging rushed pleasantries, the unnamed person asks Chris for a literal urgent 2k, adding, “Expecting something hooge soon.” Because this is totally how real people talk in private conversations and not a brand trying to pander to potential customers using currently popular slang. Chris is like, “Ugh. Whatever. Send your details” and then the camera pans up to reveal Chris’ full name.
Christie.
Because she’s a girl, and this entire thing has been a conversation between two girls (?) I don’t even know at this point.
The video ends with a shot of this message:
Do you get it? Because I sure as hell don’t. Please explain in the comments if you do.
First Bank
Everything that could go wrong with this message went wrong. First of all, they somehow found a way to put men front and center on International Women’s Day. Then there’s the #He4She hashtag, which reads like a dated insult probably directed Bobrisky that you’d find in the comment section of a gossip blog on Instagram. Then there’s the guy in the last picture, who was clearly about to hit a mean gbese just as his picture was taken.
My favourite part of First Bank’s message, though, is this reply that the social media manager tried to hide but only succeeded in drawing more attention to:
If you’re the person behind that Twitter account and you’re reading this, please DM me and tell me why you think this. Please tell me so I can find peace.
MeristemNG
Girl, what even is this supposed to mean? “A lion is as productive as she is fierce. Like a woman”? I feel like whoever came up with this has watched a little too much America’s Next Top Model or RuPaul’s Drag Race, because all the elements in this (the airbrushing, the lipstick art, the confusing message) make it look a challenge from either one of those shows gone terribly wrong.
Hypo
This one kills me because Hypo did not need to do this. They didn’t need to do anything at all. Have you ever heard anyone go, “Hmmm. Why didn’t Hypo put out an International Women’s Day message?” No, you haven’t. Because they constantly fly under the radar. That’s why it’s so funny that they chose this day of all days to pull an Icarus and fly headfirst into the sun. Wo for what? Wonderful.
REDWOI.F
LMAO. I’m not even touching this one.
Wema
This image looks innocent enough, right? Well, when you zoom in on the card in her hand, you see this:
The name on the card says Emeka Ibrahim Adekunle.
Many people understandably took this to mean that the folks at Wema think that ‘women breaking the bias’ means having men foot the bill for everything so intense dragging commenced. A few hours later, Wema responded to the controversy with this:
The public’s reaction to this can summed up with the following GIF:
And I get it. Because shalaye’ing like this just makes things worse.
Honestly, I think more brands should learn from Sterling Bank, who decided to keep it short and cute by posting this:
The folks at Sterling said, “Alexa. Play ‘No More Drama’ by Mary J. Blige.”
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be recapping the old Nollywood movie, The President Must Not Die.
The movie starts with the most incredibly early 2000s party I’ve ever seen. The party spot is dimly lit, and that can be seen are the outlines of bodies furiously grinding against each other along to jams by long-forgotten one-hit wonders.
All I can think about when watching this is how hot the space must be, and I’m proven right when a woman named Rachel, dressed in a tube top and bell-bottom jeans, emerges from the party looking exhausted and sweaty as hell.
Rachel is about to get in her car when she gets verbally harassed by two men. One of them says something about how offended he is that he tried to dance with her at the party but she turned him down. He starts to insult her when she counters his insult with a dirty slap.
The guys get angry and make to physically attack her but she beats the shit out of them using Nollywood style kung fu.
The men run away after getting their asses kicked. The movie cuts to a news broadcast discussing a longstanding beef between the president and vice president, which is insane but this is also Nigeria and weirder things have happened. The president is shown giving a speech at an event in the ugliest agbada I’ve ever seen.
When he’s done with this speech and tries to leave, a man wearing a giant jacket grabs the president. The president’s security is set to attack when the man in the giant jacket tells everyone to lower their weapons because he has a bomb strapped to his chest and will blow everyone to smithereens if they try shit. He opens his giant jacket and reveals what is supposed to be a bomb but really looks like eight sausages inserted into a utility belt.
Two hours after the president gets kidnapped, the kidnappers haven’t reached out with their demands. The vice president is shook and gathers the country’s top security heads in a conference room so he can yell at them.
The president’s wife storms into the office in a million braid wig and immediately starts screaming at the vice president to return her husband. You see, she believes the vice president has something to do with her husband’s abduction because of the beef he and her husband have.
The man in the giant jacket calls the president’s wife from a disconnected landline and says:
He gives her 24 hours to come up with the money before hanging up. The man in the giant jacket does his best to intimidate the president…
…but the president legit doesn’t give a damn…
…and asks to speak to his wife on the phone. Meanwhile, the president’s wife is losing her shit and calls a retired army general for help. The general is confused but she insists that her husband told her that if anything ever happened to him, she was to call the general. The man in the giant jacket calls again and the general attempts to track the location of the caller with a Windows 95 suite.
Tracking the origin of the phone call doesn’t work, and the general suddenly decides that rescuing the president is a job for his secret elite squad of perpetually angry female agents.
Discount Charlie’s Angels, if you will.
Kemi
Lisa
And Rachel (the kung fu lady from the movie’s opening scene).
The general gathers the three ladies to brief them on their mission when the man in the giant jacket calls again to inform the president’s wife of the drop-off point. All three actions ladies (this is what I’m calling them from now on) go with the president’s wife to the drop-off point, which causes an unintentionally hilarious shootout.
After like a minute of this, the kidnappers escape in their car but not before the action ladies manage to fire a tracking device onto their car. Take a look at what we’re shown when they fire the tracking device and tell me this wasn’t taken straight out of James Bond 007: From Russia with Love on PS2.
The man in the giant jacket and his accomplices get back to their base only to find out that the bag is full of blank papers. Fucking furious, he slams the president against a wall and raises the ransom money to $120 million as punishment for them attempting to fuck with him.
At that moment, a mysterious figure sashays into the hideout and is revealed to be one of the president’s top security chiefs. It turns out that this security chief hired the man in the giant jacket to orchestrate all this. However, the top security chief is mad because the man in the giant jacket is going against the original plans of just kidnapping and killing the president.
But the man in the giant jacket is like:
The president witnesses this interaction and realises that the man in the giant jacket was never going to let him live.
While all this is happening, the actions ladies find the kidnapper’s hideout and take out all the guards in cheesy ways, like this:
The action ladies storm the warehouse and a shootout ensues. Here’s an action sequence that takes place during the shootout:
Homegirl in the pink jumpsuit is lucky she didn’t get hit by a stray bullet while doing all that.
After a few more minutes of unintentionally hilarious kung fu hijinks (including a scene where one of the action ladies gets punched square in the right boob), it comes down to a fistfight between Rachel — the head action girl — and the man in the giant jacket. Rachel kicks his ass and kills him by impaling him on a rusty ass spike.
Just when you think the movie’s about to end, the man in the giant jacket somehow un-impales himself quietly, picks up two swords(?) and attempts to kill the president.
So the president and all the action ladies fill him up with bullets.
And all is well in Aso Rock.
Well, except for the top security agent who hired the man in the giant jacket to do all this. He realises that he’ll be going to prison for the rest of his life when it’s revealed that he was behind it. So he climbs into his car and shoots himself in the face.
Today, I will be recapping the 1996 Nollywood drama, Domitilla.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
The movie starts with a group of sex workers — Judith (Sandra Achums), Anita (Ada Ameh), and Jenny (Kate Henshaw) — manning their street corner. You can tell that the night is just starting and these fabulous mistresses of the night are getting ready for customers to come to buy their work. The movie’s protagonist, Domitilla (Ann Njemanze) arrives. Her friends are excited to see her and express this exactly how you’d expect late 90s Nollywood prostitutes to.
In the 1990s, these outfits must’ve been scandalous enough to get one branded with a scarlet A and stoned to death in the market square. Now, this is just Christ Embassy choir couture.
They stand around for a while, complaining about a scarcity of customers when a guy that looks a lot like Grace Jones shows up looking for a fun time. After sizing up the ladies with his eyes, he settles on Anita, and the following conversation takes place between them:
Ok. That part was all me. Here’s what they really said:
And just like that, discount Grace Jones takes Anita home for the night. Not long after, Domitilla gets a client and is also whisked away. It’s revealed in the next scene that Domitilla is the only one out of the group who has a day job. Due to her overnight commitments, she gets to work late the next morning, causing her boss, discount Papa Ajasco, to yell at her.
Domitilla meets a hot and rich guy named John (Charles Okafor). One day, John comes to visit her at the tiny ass apartment that she shares with the other girls. While they’re chilling in the living room, Anita runs in barefoot and is barely clothed. She’s clearly just got back from servicing a client and is about to blab about it but Domitilla doesn’t want John to know about their true profession because she really likes him. So this happens:
Domitilla and John are out one night having a drink…
…when they run into one of John’s friends. The friend pulls John to a private corner of the bar they’re in and says:
John is already falling for Domitilla so he’s in denial for a bit but the friend is like:
John returns to the table and the following conversation takes place.
At her day job the next day, Domitilla complains to her colleague, Pat, about how all her money goes into taking care of her sick father. Pat feels bad for Domitilla and invites her to a party her uncle is throwing later that night, claiming that there will be many rich men who will probably be willing to give Domitilla free money. This is weird because Pat doesn’t even know that Domitilla moonlights as a sex worker. Domitilla attends the party flanked by her homegirls, and it doesn’t take long before she meets an older man named Dr Lawson (Enebeli Elebuwa) who decides to become her sugar daddy.
Domitilla, Jenny, and Judith are working their corner one night when a Peugeot 504 pulls up with two good-looking men in it, who say that they’re looking for a good group time. All the girls jump at the opportunity to chill with these obviously rich big boys willing to pay double their usual fee, so they get in the car with them. Things take a horrifying turn when the men drive to a dimly lit uncompleted building and bundle the girls in. The girls try to escape but Jenny is caught, choked, beheaded, and has her organs harvested.
Jenny’s death causes all the girls to spiral. There’s a heartbreaking scene where they all come together to grieve their fallen sister while complaining about the hard lives that fate has given them. The scene is effective but goes on for too long and quickly becomes annoying. Domitilla returns to the house one afternoon to find Anita packing her things. When she asks wtf is going on, Anita is like:
Anita informs Domitilla that she’s leaving their shared apartment to move in with discount Grace Jones, her client from the opening scene because he’s fallen in love with her and asked her to move in with him. Domitilla is truly happy for Anita but breaks down in tears, screaming, “GOD WHEN?!” Anita comforts her with this:
Just as Anita is about to leave, she turns to Domitilla and says:
But Domitilla is like:
And she does just that.
She doesn’t give up Dr Lawson, though. After telling him about Jenny’s death, he moves her into a hotel and foots the bill for her to live there permanently so he can sneak in for quickies whenever he wants without his wife finding out.
Dressed in a fancy wig and skirt suit combo so you know she has levelled up, Domitilla returns to her old apartment to visit Judith, the only remaining member of their group who still walks the street at night. Judith is distraught about the others leaving her alone for better lives.
Domitilla consoles her and gives her some money to start a proper business. Judith is over the moon.
Things go well for Domitilla until Dr Lawson’s wife, Mrs Lawson (Maureen Ihua), finds out about the affair. And as you expect, she’s fucking furious.
And she proceeds to do just that.
After taking her teenage daughter to Domitilla’s house so they can beat the shit out of Domitilla together (the daughter is horrified, says no, and asks to be taken home), Mrs Lawson decides to kill Domitilla, Disney villain style. She pays the manager of the hotel Domitilla is staying at to poison the next drink Domitilla orders. Unfortunately, the next time Domitilla orders a drink is when Dr Lawson is in the room with her. He unknowingly drinks from the poisoned glass and immediately dies.
Domitilla is arrested for the death of Dr Lawson and taken to court. Judith (who now runs a successful plastic business) joins forces with Anita to hire a good lawyer for Domitilla. Mrs Lawson plays the grieving window role perfectly and it looks like Domitilla might be found guilty. That’s until Dr Lawson’s teenage daughter takes the stand and reveals the truth.
Distraught that her own flesh and blood has exposed her like this, Mrs Lawson screams and passes out.
Domitilla’s friends and family run to hug her in celebration. Just as the judge is about to read the verdict, we get this:
I’m sorry but this first part was almost two hours long. There’s no way in hell I’m watching a sequel that’s obviously going to be another two hours of courtroom drama.
Hey! It’s Steffi O. and I’m captaining the So You Don’t Have To ship yet again because the gorgeous, gorgeous Astor is relishing this time away from you. Such betrayal, I know. But it’s forgivable because this week, I’ll be recapping the deeply infuriating British true-crime documentary film, Tinder Swindler.
Tinder Swindler documents the failed attempt at the love of three British women that left Nigerian women shouting “God forbid.” The documentary premiered on Netflix on the 2nd February 2022, sparking a much-needed discussion on hypergamy; the whimsical belief that Cinderella’s story isn’t just a fictional story. The main theme is based on the delusional belief that people like Jeff Bezos casually sign up on Tinder with the hope of finding love in the sea of hopeless romantics.
The doc starts with what seems like an ad for love, listing all the reasons you should find it on Tinder. Like an all-you-can-eat buffet, the first two love-struck women, Cecilie Fjellhøy and Ayleen Charlotte and the best friend, Pernilla Sjoholm, describe the different types of weird men you can find roaming these Tinder streets. I’ll give it to Tinder’s legal team on this one, though. It was a smart way to let us know that, regardless of the documentary’s title, the shit that went down in the film has absolutely nothing to do with the app.
What they really meant
As they continue to spew lies from the pit of hell, the women swipe through profiles of people that look relatively normal. But of course, normal is never enough. We finally get to the swindler’s profile, a man named Simon Leviev, and a tag that says billionaire’s son as his name is typed in on google.
After Pernilla proceeds to throw in a clause on googling names before saying yes to a date, she swipes right for a match on Simon’s profile and heads to destruction with her co- victim, Cecilie Fjellhøy. Next, a subtle confession from Pernilla on the reason she swiped on Simon Levieve’s page, a short segment of the shit that goes down with the fake billionaire playboy from Israel.
Probably sis
Ominous music plays and in the next scene, the women recap their initially magical relationship with the billionaire son who’s really a fraudulent pauper.
Cecilie is up first and continues with her slightly irritating explainer on love as she recalls the fairytale from Disney classic, Beauty and the beast. She goes on about the similarities between her and Belle, as she tries to connect dots between real life and a movie about sentient kitchenware. Anyway, like Belle, she’s waiting for her charming prince. Let’s just note that Cecilie has been on Tinder for 7 years in two different countries and has connected with 1024 men. Talk about a stellar record for chasing men online.
Cecilie describes her prince charming as a handsome beach lover looking for long-term love. She quotes Marilyn Monroe’s famous line from the movie, Gentlemen Like Blondes, as a less than subtle hint that her dream man has to have a shit ton of wealth. And because of that, Cecilia decides that Simon Lieve is the Beast to her Belle and swipes right on his profile.
Once she swipes right on his profile, Simon immediately texts for them to link up at the four seasons, which should’ve been the first red flag tbh. Cecilie arrives and waits nervously at the hotel reception, the elevator door finally opens and Simon Leviev walks out, introducing himself to Cecilie as the CEO of LLD Diamonds, son of the billionaire, Lev Leviev, The Prince of Diamonds. Cecilie is immediately caught up in his web of lies.
Is Google non-existent in Europe? Or am I missing something?
Simon blows Cecilie’s mind by flying her to Bulgaria on his private jet. Cecilie explicitly said she’d be stupid to pass on the offer. Only one part of that sentence made any sense, but we won’t get into that. She messages her surprisingly sane friends who tell her it’s shady stuff but she types YOLO.
Things progress and like every playboy, Simon balances out the lies with hints of truths. Why? To make Cecilie feel comfortable. The plan works. Even after confessing about the dangerous men that are out to kill him, she decides to stick by him. He even confesses to being an ex-convict in Israel, but Cecilie sees it as a chance to prove her love to him by saving him, which is exactly what he wants her to think.
He continues to woo her in the following weeks, sending her flowers and flying to Oslo by 1 a.m. to spend time with her at her parents place. Please remember that this is a man dangerous men are already after. Cecilie also gives him a cute book on how to date a Norwegian girl and 11 things she lovesabout him. Cute stuff right?
After a few months, Cecilie finally begins to question why a billionaire’s son is randomly on Tinder and could possibly be a player. She doesn’t think as far as him being a fraud yet, but at least she’s thinking now. She goes online to check his Tinder profile and finds out he’s been active in a different country. When she confronts him, he denies everything and basically tells her she’s blind and has no clue what she’s talking about.
Next up is Pernilla Sjoholm
Pernilla Sjoholm is based in Stockholm and swipes right on Simon’s profile as soon as she sees it. He texts immediately and asks her out to dinner. They meet up and spend the evening doing a shit ton of expensive shit. (Insert picture of Simon and Pernilla painting the town red)
By the end of the evening, she lets us know he was too short to be her type and wanted to just be friends.
Again, lies.
By the next day, she sends an “I miss you” text to Simon and slowly falls for the short guy she wanted to simply befriend. Immediately after this, Simon asks her to come on a trip to Amsterdam with him and she sends her passport details for him to book the ticket.
Like I said last week, there’s some kind of epidemic going on abroad
As Simon jets between cities and his two ladies, the plans he has starts going into full gear. First, he sends a picture to Celilie with him and his bodyguard beaten up and bruised at the hospital. Celilie panics and he uses this staged tragedy to conveniently ask for her a credit card he can use that won’t be tracked by the people trying to kill him.As the Belle of this sad love story, Celilie doesn’t hesitate to save the love of her life. She orders a platinum American Express credit card and ships it off to Simon that evening.
In a few days, the credit card is maxed out and he sends a receipt with a credit of $2250 that never gets to her account. He then asks her to get on a plane to Amsterdam and bring $25,000 cash because it’ll be untraceable. Blinded by love, Celilie uses the hands that could have easily typed “How is Lev Liviev’s son broke” to search “How to get a quick loan.” Again, God forbid.
She gets the cash and her biggest fear is getting caught by airport security. When she gets to Simon, he tells her how grateful he is for his little Belle keeping him safe. Next, his bodyguard, Peter, informs him of a security breach and Simon decides to delete his Instagram account for safety. He also asks Cecilie to make her account private so his enemies can’t get him through her.
Peter calls again later that evening and asks Simon to turn off the lights in the apartment and get on the plane outside. Cecilie is distraught as her prince charming is whisked away to Stockholm for safety. All this danger and the prince leaves his princess in the apartment that’s under attack.
Anyway, when Simon arrives in Stockholm, he texts Pernilla for a very spontaneous rendezvous that makes her feel special. They end up at a nightclub with an ocean of women rubbing up against Simon. Simon is going hard with the girls and blowing Cecilie’s loan for the night. Pernilla is not impressed (maybe jealous) and decides to leave and link up the next day.
By the next day, our sexy Israeli playboy is in Sweden with a maxed out credit card. He calls Cecilie and asks her to call Cecilie to fix the issue and get the credit limit up. To do this, she needed to be employed to show credibility to the back. So Simon signs her up as an employee at LLD Diamond and asks Cecilie for her passport details to complete the profile. Honestly, at this point I wanted the film to end, but I stayed for you.
The plan works and Cecilie is on the LLD Diamond payroll earning $94,263 per month. Successfully pulling off the charade, Simon is back to the spontaneous trips around Europe. Only this time, he takes his Belle, Cecilie and his bestie, Pernilla.
A crime-filled threesome for Valentine’s Day anyone?
Simon credits the account with $250,000 but the money doesn’t drop immediately and Cecilie bankrolls the whole trip. She takes out loans to pay for business class tickets, expensive meals, and luxurious trips. They fly from Mykonos to Paris, Vienna, Switzerland, and Rome. Cecilie is basically taking out $20,000 every two days. Please note that the $250,000 never got to her account.
She still believes it’s her life’s mission to save Simon and he plays right into it. He sends a voice note while he’s in Amsterdam and lets her know that everything they’re going through together is for life. Wasn’t that her cue to run? By the end of the trip, Cecilie is in debt for $250,000 and she’s slowly getting agitated.
Simon asks her to fly to Amsterdam to pick up a check worth more than he owes to prove he’s still the “Prince of Diamonds.” Of course the check bounces and at this point, she breaks down as she recounts the experience on the documentary.
Next, she decides to be with her mum in Oslo and blocks Simon. I just wondered whether she had amnesia. This is a man that had her credit card details, passport and parents’ address. So blocking him on Whatsapp was useless.
When she gets to Oslo, there’s a message on her mother’s landline waiting for her. It’s Simon. He drops a weird cryptic message: “To action, there’s a reaction.” Our swindler was quoting Newton’s law.
Once he knew it was over with Cecilie, he moved to Pernilla. He pulls out the same pictures he sent to Cecilie about being attacked by dangerous men and asks for $30,000.
Unsuspecting Pernilla was in a tight spot, but she decides to also take out a loan for her billionaire friend. Cecilie, on the other hand, is drowning in debt from nine loan companies and checks herself into a psychiatric ward. She’s now on a mission to expose Simon.
It turns out his real name is Shimon Hiyut and articles pop up on his fraudulent activities with three women in Finland three years ago. It turns out that his ex-wife was one of the victims that testified against him. So why was she going on trips with him after being released? At this point, Cecilie is infuriated and is ready to expose her charming prince.
When love clears from your eyes
So she contacts a Norwegian newspaper agency and shares her Whatsapp conversation with the journalists who agree to run the story. They do more investigations and contact an Israeli journalist, Uri Blau, and he finds Shimon’s last address in a shantytown in Israel.
They meet his mother and she claims she has had no contact with Shimon since he turned 18. The mother denies everything like a hard criminal and storms into her apartment.
Reaching another dead end, the journalists decide to speak to the police officers that confirm Simon Liviev and Shimon Yehuda Hayut were the same people. Turns out the guy had been a fraud since his late teens; stealing from former employers and forging papers. He had been wanted by the police but he was able to flee the country. With all this information, Simon was still missing and Pernilla was the key.
Erlend Arntsen, one of the Norwegian journalists, reached out to Pernilla on Facebook. At this point, she had already loaned him $40,000, so when she saw the text, she’s losing her shit.
Everything continues to unfold, they finally see that he’s a bloody liar using love-struck women to fund his lifestyle. At this point Pernilla is enraged and decides to lead them to Simon on a trip they planned to Munich. The journalists trace Pernilla to a hotel and hide across the street taking pictures. Things go left from there because they need to take lessons from John Wick. Simon notices the camera man and he shoves Pernilla in a car as he zooms off.
Luckily, Pernilla’s cover isn’t blown and they’re able to keep tabs on Simon.
In the next scene Pernilla confronts him about being a fraud and he loses his shit over the phone. Simon denies everything and let’s Pernilla know there will be a price if she crosses him. Like any normal human being, she’s frightened because no sane person signs up to be with a conman.
For her protection, she decides to make it public and most of the internet questions her sanity. I believe most of those people were angry Nigerians.
Eventually, the post about the Tinder Swindler gets to a Dutch woman (money bag), Ayleen, also dating Simon. She immediately sends it to him on Whatsapp and confronts him. I don’t know why these women kept expecting him to admit he was a criminal. Why?
Of course Simon denies everything and she recaps the same story we’ve heard Cecilie and Pernilla narrate about falling in love with a billionaire’s son and ending up in tears.
Along the way, Ayleen let’s us know that a scorned woman is the deadliest enemy. She decides to play the players game and keeps up with her role of the love-struck girlfriend. She had a plan. Ayleen keeps up with sending him texts, calling Cecilie and Pernilla bitches and gold diggers, telling him she trusts him wholeheartedly and other irritating things lovers do.
Ayleen’s plan is to sell everything Simon owns and cash out on some of the money he lost. An entrepreneurial queen. Simon eventually catches up, but it’s a little too late. At this point, the “Prince of Diamonds” changed his name to the “Homeless king.” They still couldn’t arrest him, but at least he was losing his shit.
After weeks of grovelling at Ayleen’s feet, Simon decides to change his name and leave Amsterdam for Prague. With his luck run out, Ayleen catches up on his plans and leaks his travel details and fake name, David Sharon, to Interpol.
Simon was arrested at the airport and the first person he texts to help is Ayleen. They finally won! At least for fifteen months.
Our dear swindler was released and is still living his baby boy lifestyle. Only this time, he has a business page where he gives business advice for $311. It’s the audacity for me. Anyway, Simon is back on Tinder while Cecilie, Pernilla, and Ayeesha are still paying off their debt almost six years later.
If there was ever a definition of life is a pot of beans, this is it. I suggest you denounce everything and anything that has to do with love, but don’t allow my bitterness spoil your Valentine’s Day plans. Jus
Once upon a time, Astor recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made him turn his recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where he finds batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recaps them for your pleasure.
Hey! My name is Steffi, and I’ll be captaining the So You Don’t Have To ship this week because the gorgeous, gorgeous Astor is taking a well-deserved break. To shake things up, I’ve decided to serve some American pop culture content sprinkled with Nigerian madness for flavour. This week, I will be recapping the super chaotic TLC reality show, 90 Day Fiancé.
Specifically, a recap of the Nigerian storylines on show. Because everyone knows those are the wildest.
For those who don’t know, 90 Day Fiancé and its spin-off shows follow the lives of Americans with nothing better to do with their time and money than to chase love in strange places. They throw caution and their ATM cards to the wind for a chance at love. Here’s a breakdown of the Nigerian-flavoured mess on the show so far.
In 2018, Michael Ilesanmi joined the second season as the first Nigerian, with his American sweetheart, Angela Deem. The show chronicled their love story and engagement through the third and seventh seasons. After getting married in 2020, the producers cast them on the fifth and sixth season of the spin-off shows, 90 Days Fiance: Happily Ever After?
The second Nigerian to come on was Usman Umar. Usman came in on the fourth season, but his love with his American sweetheart, Lisa Hamme, didn’t last long enough for them to be a part of the spin-off like Michael and Angela did.
So what happened within this chaotic timeline for Michael and Usman?
Let’s begin with Michael Ilesanmi, a 30-year-old car dealer living in Lagos, who manages to get a 52 year old American woman named Angela Deem to fall in love with him on Facebook. A few months after being wooed by her “sexy Nigerian man,” (as she called him at the time), Angela packs her bags and heads to Lagos. Why? To put a ring on the man she likes. Beyoncè be praised.
A match made in heaven, wouldn’t you say?
As soon as Angela arrives at the Lagos airport in episode one, she runs into Michael’s arms and does something that’s supposed to be a kiss but looks more like her vacuuming his tonsils with her tongue. Many Nigerians aren’t used to PDA so the innocent bystanders that have to witness this face-sucking are visibly shook and disgusted. Between the airport and checking in at the hotel, Angela sucks her “sexy Nigerian man’s” face about twenty times.
I saw it and you have to see it too.
The clerk at the hotel knew exactly what was playing out in front of him.
The best (and most jarring) part of the episode is hearing Angela talk about how hard she’s going to “trump” (bump genitals with) Michael that night. It makes me want to gag, but I’m impressed by how she uses Trump as a sexy verb. The next morning, Angela wakes up a satisfied granny. Michael, on the other hand, not so much.
I wonder if Nigerians can start using Bubu’s name as an euphemism for knacks.
Michael spends the rest of the season trying to turn Angela into an African queen. There’s a hilarious episode where he takes her to the market to price goat meat, which leads to her almost passing out on the market floor after seeing a severed goat head chilling on a table.
Later on, Michael’s mother and aunt pay a visit to discuss grandchildren, which is funny as hell because Angela is 52 years old. Things take an even crazier turn when they start talking about Angela being a submissive wife. Let’s just say that Angela isn’t too thrilled by this idea.
Angela’s response: “Just because you have to be submissive to your husband doesn’t mean I should. I’m an American.”
The sex must’ve been spectacular sha because even after all the madness with Micheal’s family, Angela still proposes to him at the end of the season, making her Mrs Angela Ilesanmi.
This purple suit is giving Willy Wonka.
It looks like Michael’s village people are working overtime, though, because his K-1 visa gets denied. There’s no confirmation on why he hasn’t been able to get the visa throughout the show. All we know is that Michael is on an agenda to fertilize Angela’s eggs by all means. When she’s back to the States, he offers to ship his sperm to her for an IVF procedure, but Angela is not having it because she doesn’t want him wanking into a tube in front of some doctor without her being present.
Without her sexy Nigerian man close, Angela starts feeling insecure about being old and wants to lose some weight. She uses the money she’d saved up for the IVF procedure on a gastric bypass for weight loss. Angela returns in the spin-off show, Happily Ever After, as the hottest grandma you’ve ever seen. Michael, however, doesn’t approve of her smaller boobs but doesn’t have the balls to tell her during their steamy, phone sex session in episode 12.
By the end of the season, it’s revealed that Angela might’ve had a fling with the gorgeous doctor who performed her surgery. Michael loses his shit and things get pretty heated between he and Angela at the reunion episode (90 Days Reunion: Couples Tell All) and she storms off the set, but not before flashing her new boobs at the camera.
I’m not sure where their relationship stands but I feel so sorry for Michael. Three years of this insane rollercoaster and our guy still hasn’t fulfilled his mission that we’re hinting at right now but won’t explicitly state to avoid wahala. Sorry, Mikey.
Up next is, Usman Umar; a Kano-based Nigerian rapper popularly known as Sojaboy. Sojaboy is introduced in the fourth season, along with his American sugar mama, Lisa Hamme. He even made a song for her titled, I love you. It’s truly the worst thing I’ve ever heard, and you need to listen to it.
When the show starts, Lisa seems like a calmer version of Angela. The only thing they have in common is that they both like a good genital meet & greet.
Usman tries to ride the wave of being a popular artist and takes Lisa for a performance at a nightclub. The club girls scream and flock around the self-proclaimed superstar as he walks in, and Lisa is obviously pissed. She spends most of the season being jealous and trying to frustrate Usman’s music career, but he doesn’t falter and remains focused on his goal that we’re hinting at right now but won’t explicitly state to avoid wahala.
His family initially doesn’t support his relationship with Lisa but they come around after he assures them, in Hausa of course, about the certainty of moving to America. Usman marries Lisa but things don’t end well for them. The couple didn’t spill the full tea in the reunion episode (90 Days Fiance: Tell All) but in interviews, Usman hinted at him feeling controlled in the marriage. In 2020, he filed for divorce.
Don’t worry about Usman, sha. He’s back on the show with another American milf on the current season.
There’s clearly some kind of epidemic in America that needs to be studied
Usman the Sojaboy is onto the next mission-filled adevnture with his new catch, Kimberly Menzies. After Kimberly slidesinto his DM as a super fan of the show, Usman takes the opportunity to get closer to her, and thus begins their relationship. So far, she’s flown to Tanzania to support him with a music video, bought him a Play Station 5, and a Macbook.
Usman seems to have hit the jackpot this time, but he’s been friendzonning Kimberly. He refuses to have sex with her, but she’s adamant about getting him in bed. We’ll keep watching and see how it goes for Usman and his horny horny mamaon the season of the show currently airing.
Today, I will be recapping the music video for Eedris Abdulkareem’s 2003 hit song, Live in Yankee.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
The video starts with a visibly-distraught girl sitting on the bed of what is obviously a hotel room but is supposed to be her bedroom. I say this is because there’s a landline on the bedside table (only hotels do that shit), and the bedsheets and curtains are serving low budget guest house realness. Homegirl — whose name we never find out — is making a call, and as soon as it goes through, sings this:
Eedris, you promise sey you go marry me
See me you hurt me so badly
Remember na garri wey we dey wack eh
You don go yankee, you com forget me totally
Because I’m a messy bitch who lives for chaos, this is what I imagine she sings:
Eedris conveniently ignores the bit about him abandoning her and says that he actually set out to travel to Guinea but somehow ended up in America. If you’re hoping for an explanation of how the fuck that happened, don’t hold your breath because he doesn’t give one. He goes on to explain that while roaming the streets of New York looking for a record deal…
…he randomly came across P. Diddy…
…who immediately gave him a record deal…
…and billboard placements at Times Square (?)
You see, neither Diddy nor Eedris can rap so it makes perfect sense that one would sign the other.
Hearing about all the success Eedris has found without her, homegirl becomes even more distraught than she was when the conversation started and sings the chorus again, this time clutching a sad little stuffed sheep.
Eedris once again dismisses the obvious distress homegirl is in by saying:
And that makes me go:
Eedris talks about how P.Diddy gave him money to go shopping…
…and an obviously rented Lexus jeep.
This makes me wonder if P.Diddy took Eedris on as his artist or sugar baby.
A thing that happens all through the song that I LOVE is that whenever Eedris talks about a wild/amazing thing he’s done in America, homegirl interjects with adlibs that properly express the distress she feels from being abandoned. For example, Eedris sings about attending a party where Diddy gives him TWENTY Puerto Rican mummies to bump genitals with…
…and homegirl immediately screams:
Following it up with a gentle:
Probably because she can see the chances of Eedris returning for her slowly disappear with every story he tells.
The song goes on for a while and it’s just Eedris bragging about all women he’s slept with in the two years since he left. Just when you think all hope is lost for Homegirl, Eedris returns from America with a half bottle of champagne and two wine glasses to ask for her hand in marriage.
If you think Homegirl is going to slap him across the face and turn him down for abandoning her, you’re wrong. She puts on the ugliest wedding gown in existence…
…and runs up a comically long flight of stairs…
…to jump into his arms. And then they get married (?) I’m not sure tbh. Because as soon as they hug, the screen goes all wobbly like it does in movies when someone is daydreaming. The video ends with a shot of Homegirl angrily ripping a poster of Eedris off the wall of her room, and this insane shot of Eedris chilling with Ronald McDonald for some reason.
Today, I’ll be recapping the late 1990s Nollywood horror movie, Mark of the Beast.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
You can tell, based on her facial expression, that Genevieve was serving premium sass in whatever scene that screenshot was taken from.
I watched this movie for the first time when I was 8-years-old and spent the next few years blocking it out because it was too terrifying. The only memory I had of it until recently was the scene of a pastor being yelled at by a rotund and particularly rude serving of pounded yam; a memory I most likely held on to because it’s funny as shit. Anyway, I was at my birthday dinner on the 18th of January 2022 when I encountered this tweet:
And just like that, all the horrifying parts of the movie I’d worked so hard to forget came rushing back, causing me to scream and fall to my knees in the toilet of the restaurant where my birthday dinner was taking place. After the mini-breakdown, I figured that this film would make a good “So You Don’t Have To” entry, so here we are.
The movie starts with a woman in the hospital giving birth. After struggling for a bit, the baby is born. The doctor (Segun Arinze) says, “Congratulations. You’ve delivered a bouncing baby boy,” and hands the still bloody baby to the mother. When the mother opens her eyes, she sees the doctor as this…
The love child of King Kong and Calibos (from the original Clash of the Titans)
Homegirl is understandably horrified by all this and proceeds to die of shock.
As this is happening, a man named Chief Modupe (Enebeli Elebuwa), flanked on both sides of his head by a pair of incredibly unsettling sideburns, is sitting in his living room and watching TV. A breaking news broadcast comes on, anchored by a woman wearing what appears to be a Golden Girls Halloween wig.
The lights in Chief Modupe’s house flicker, causing his heavily pregnant wife, Mrs Modupe (Ngozi Ezeonu), to slip and fall in the bathroom. After getting her to the hospital, Chief Modupe learns from the doctor — the same one that delivered the baby in the opening scene — that Mrs Modupe’s fall SOMEHOW ruptured her uterus, killed the baby in her belly, and destroyed her womb. The prognosis is that she’ll never again be able to conceive.
Chief Modupe is distraught and about to ugly cry when the Doctor suggests that Chief Modupe adopt the baby born in the opening scene and pass it off to his wife as the one that was in her belly.
Chief Modupe takes the child and names him, Chris.
Ten years later, Chris has grown to be a creepy precocious child. Mrs Modupe walks into his bedroom one night and finds some scary drawings he’s made.
She’s about to dismiss it as something he probably picked up from a movie or video game until she looks at his face and sees this:
We later see Chris having a Zoom meeting with Lucifer in his room. It’s revealed that the reason Chris looked like a demon piglet at the time of his birth is that he’s the literal spawn of Satan. Satan tattoos Chris’ forehead with the mark of the beast (666) and sends him into the world to win souls for hell.
Because of what she saw in Chris’ room, Mrs Modupe becomes terrified of Chris. Chris picks up on this and proceeds to fuck with her mind by infiltrating her dreams and turning them into nightmares. Like this one:
Any time Mrs Modupe tries to tell her husband what’s happening, Chris wipes her memory with magic. After months of torture, Chris kills her by making her stab herself in the chest with a long-ass kitchen knife.
Twenty years pass. Chris has taken over his father’s vague business is now being played by a man that looks like a Christ Embassy youth pastor.
Actor: Charles Sadiq-Waran
And it’s revealed that the doctor who helped deliver Chris as a baby and convinced the Modupes the adopt him knows about Chris’ origin and is a soldier of Satan.
OVER ONE HOUR INTO THE MOVIE, a pair of siblings named Mike (Joe Nwodo) and Nene (Genevieve Nnaji) sashay into the story. The first time we see them, they’re at a hospital visiting their chronically ill mother, who’s going in for surgery and is not sure she’s going to survive.
And she’s right. She dies during surgery and the children are emotionally wrecked. Mike decides that God has called him to fight the anti-christ so he quits his job and starts a church. He and Nene are driving down a road one day when they witness a group of armed robbers attempt to rob Chris. Chris steps out of his car and does this:
Which makes the armed robbers go:
When the robbers flee, Mike and Nene go to check if Chris is ok. Even though he’s acting like you’d expect the anti-christ in an old Nollywood movie to act (weird and rude), they insist on being friends with him and invite him to their church. He agrees to attend and makes the decision to start messing with them like he did his mother.
Mike is in bed one night, wearing the pyjamas Nene bought him and reading the bible when the spirit of konji rears its head. He starts rubbing his penis and gets the disgusting idea to go have sex with his Nene, HIS SISTER. So he sneaks into her room and proceeds to grab her boob…
…but comes to his senses before actually doing anything. Meanwhile, Chris finds out that Nene is a virgin and spiritually sexes her up in a dream. She starts hanging out with Chris more and acting out until Mike notices something is not right with her and initiates a surprise deliverance session.
We find out that the night Chris was born, so were six others around the world; one for each continent. Their job is to get as many souls as possible for hell from their respective continents. Satan gathers all seven of them for an all-hands meeting to track their progress. Here’s a picture of all of them.
It tickles me greatly to see that they’re all light-skinned.
Chris reveals that he’s been using his business to recruit more souls by infusing the following things with soul-binding dark magic:
Makeup
Video games
Music
Movies
Fast food
Second hand clothes (remeber this one)
Toys
Candy
THE FREAKING INTERNET (keep in mind this movie was made in the late 1990s and the internet wasn’t mainstream in Nigeria yet so there were still conspiracy theories surroudning it)
Mike is getting ready for bed another night when he puts on the pyjamas Nene bought him and gets the urge to bump genitals with her again. Somehow coming to the conclusion that the pyjamas are the problem (sure, he’s right but that was an insane mental leap he took), he takes it off and burns it. He then goes to his sister and is like:
Chris amps up his attempts to fuck up Mike and Nene’s lives. And that’s what leads us to the iconic talking pounded yam scene. Nene makes pounded yam for dinner one night and as Mike blesses the food, the pounded yam goes:
Mike and Nene join forces to vanquish the demonic pounded yam. This experience makes them organise a night vigil at their church, which Chris attends for some reason. When a priest (don’t ask why a catholic priest is at a pentecostal night vigil) starts throwing holy water over all the people present, a drop of it touches Chris and this comes out of Chris’ body:
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I will be making a list of the most insane Mummy GO videos.
Funmilayo Adebayo, famously known as Mummy GO, is an evangelist who has gone viral for the video clips in which she claims that anybody who likes any aspect of existence that makes life bearable is going to hell. When her videos began to surface in late 2021/early 2022, she seemed super familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember where I’d seen her before. It wasn’t until Kunle tagged me to a tweet containing pictures of some of her books that it hit me.
Mummy GO is the woman who wrote the very first thing I ever recapped for the “So You Don’t Have To” series; a book titled The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football).
Like the name of the book implies, Mummy GO rants for a few dozen pages about football being an evil sport created in the underworld by hell’s management as part of their never-ending attempts to destroy humanity. She further claims that the reason she knows all this is because she served as an intern in hell, working closely with the prince of darkness himself for 990 years.
Here’s an excerpt from that article:
“The author’s bio describes Fumilayo Adebayo as a seasoned evangelist and gifted writer with an uncommon passion for soul-winning. This is exactly how Pennywise (the demon clown from the movie IT) would be described if he ever took a break from eating children to write a book. Using bible verses and thinly-veiled threats, she tells us that we have to believe everything she says unless we’ll die a terrible death and go to hell. I carried on reading because I like trash.“
If you want to read that iconic article, click here.
Mummy GO has a shit load of videos floating around, and all of them are fucking hilarious. But because I’m a messy bitch who lives drama, I’ve gone through all of the ones I could find and compiled the most insane ones. Don’t thank me. Just pay for my therapy.
Let’s start with a wild one. The one where she talks about how God restored her virginity.
As you can see, this woman is basically standing in front of her congregation and bragging about being so tight that it takes her husband half an hour to penetrate her during sex. The wildest thing here isn’t even the smug tone she uses to talk about her TAP (tight ass pussy), it’s the fact that no one in the audience is trying to suppress laughter. They just sit there and take it.
Here’s a video where she talks about the Walt Disney Company and what she thinks its logo represents.
In this, Mummy GO pulls a trick straight out of the 2009 edition of the Conspiracy Theorists YouTuber’s Handbook and claims that Disney is dedicated to imprinting the mark of the beast (666) in the minds of children. Aided by a PowerPoint presentation, she says that the number 666 is hidden in the trademark Disney font. Walt Disney’s frozen head must be rolling in its cryogenic chamber.
Here’s the one where she bashes the art of comedy and insists that anyone who engages in it has a one-way ticket to hell.
I don’t know if Mummy GO went for a stand-up comedy show and was bored or she watched a couple of skits from Nigerian Instagram comedians and didn’t enjoy them, but she really REALLY hates comedians and hopes we all burn. Damn. We just want to make people laugh, lady.
She also hates haircuts for some reason.
She just points at some guy with a shaved head in the congregation and says, “Do you people know that this hairstyle is a sin?!” She carries on by saying that any haircut that shows even the tiniest bit of a man’s scalp is a sin. Now, I’m sitting here thinking, “What about bald people? What the fuck are they supposed to do??“
If you’re looking for a reason to not celebrate valentine’s day this year, Mummy GO has given you one.
You’re welcome.
If you’re a man with swagger of any kind, Mummy GO says you’re a devil worshipper.
This tickles me immensely because it shows how removed she is from modern-day pop culture. When was the last time you saw a man pack his crotch and wave his wrists while screaming, “Ayo man”? Seems like she’s still stuck in the 1990s/early 2000s, and it’s killing me.
Let’s not forget when she told tales of her bad bitch era.
By that description, you just know she was out in these streets built like an Instagram baddie, snatching up people’s boyfriends and husbands. Yas Gawd! I do love that whatever took her beauty left her with the gap in her front teeth, though. A way for her to relive her past glory. That was very nice of…it.
You heard it here first: There’s nothing Satan likes more than a hot fok.
I wonder what Rihanna and Lady GHANA have to say about these accusations. Does this also mean that Tom Holland is married to Satan? He did dance spectacularly to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” on Lipsync Battle. Who else is Satan married to? How do they share him? Someone has to ask the important questions, and that person is me.
You know who else Mummy GO hates? Michael Jackson. Here’s what she has to say about his style of dancing.
Old gal believes that Michael Jackson invented break dancing and that he learned the dance style from SKELETONS. Probably from these guys:
She also added that because it’s a skeleton dance, break dancing is for the dead, which means that if you do it, you’re indirectly telling God that you’re dead and shouldn’t complain when the Grim Reaper comes to collect.
Lastly, here’s the BBC interview where she denies saying all of the things above, claiming that the videos were doctored.
At this point, I’m not even sure what her deal is anymore.
If you want a deeper look into Mummy GO’s psyche, read my recap of one of her books.
Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood comedy, Chief Daddy 2.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Chief Daddy 2 came out on Netflix on the 1st of January, 2022 and was immediately followed by overwhelmingly negative reviews from both critics and viewers. I’ve spent hours since the day it premiered scouring the interwebs for a positive review and found none. It’s just been waves of anger and disgust. The bad reviews have even started a conversation on social media about the poor quality of recent Nollywood movies.
Here’s a hilariously named Twitter Spaces that took place on the 6th of January 2022.
Even funnier than the title, one of Chief Daddy 2’s producers was present and lurking in the shadows until she couldn’t bear the bashing anymore and took the mic to rant. LMAO!
The conversations about the movie piqued my interest so I decided to watch it. Now that I’ve seen it, I can say with my entire bosom that the critics aren’t wrong.
WARNING: Make sure you’ve seen the first movie and remember all the plot points and characters from it because I will not be jogging your memory.
The movie starts where the last one ended; with Laila (Rahama Sadau) showing up at the Beecroft family mansion and staring at it like she’s fighting the urge to burn it down.
Laila is revealed to be yet another illegitimate child of Chief Daddy who is fucking pissed because she grew up with his fatherly love and was excluded from his will. She has shown up from nowhere (seriously, we’re never told where she’s from or how she suddenly has all this power) to wreck the Beecroft family’s plans. She is somehow now the majority shareholder in Beecroft company and insists on not giving any of the family members the money Chief Daddy willed to them.
The family, who had almost gotten to Kumbaya status by the end of the last movie, are thrown into chaos again. They gather around the comically large dining table in the Beecroft family mansion to figure out what they’re going to do about this flimsy excuse for a sequel new threat to their funds.
Someone says they have to get rid of Laila. Femzy (Falz) thinks this is code for “murder” and starts thinking up ways to kill her. Lady Kay (Joke Silva) wakes up the next morning and is worried about not being able to throw a lavish 62nd birthday party for herself because she’s now a broke madam.
This is weird because her husband died like two weeks ago and she should be distraught. Then again, if I found out that a man I was married to for decades spent our entire marriage impregnating people around Nigeria like some kind of rabbit, I too wouldn’t give a shit about him dying.
She throws the party anyway but all the guests run for their lives when they realise that the party is giving…poverty. Femzy isn’t present for his mother’s disaster birthday party because he’s in the studio recording a song. He gets kicked out of the studio due to his inability to pay the studio fees.
Dammy (Mawuli Gavor), Chief Daddy’s eldest son and world-famous football player, is in London hanging out with some in-universe famous actress. She keeps giving him “fuck me” eyes but he doesn’t reciprocate because he’s now engaged to Adaora (Beverly Naya). When he gets up to leave, she goes in for a goodbye hug but plants a sneak attack kiss on his lips. Paparazzi get footage of this.
Dammy returns to Lagos and refuses to admit that he’s engaged during an interview because his manager insists that it’s better for his public image to be seen as a reckless bachelor than to be engaged to the daughter of a maid. Adaora is furious and demands to know if he takes their relationship seriously. He assures her that he does and as they’re about to makeup, the video of the famous actress kissing him goes viral. Adaora is fucking furious now and storms off to hang out seductively by the pool. Dammy approaches her and explains how the kiss happened.
They then engage in what I can only describe as the kissing equivalent of dry-humping in jeans.
Femzy has taken it upon himself to get his family’s fortune back from Laila. He first attempts to get close to her by getting a job at the company. It’s never made clear what role he’s going for, though, because he just walks into her office and demands that the company create an entertainment section for him. This doesn’t work so he comes up with the dumbest plan in movie history.
All Femzy needs to carry out his plan is money but he has none. Sisi Ice Cream (Linda Ejiofor) somehow comes up with the money needed and they both travel to Dubai. The moment they land, they run into a noisy ass cab driver named Omar (Brodda Shaggi).
Due to unintentionally unfunny hijinks, Femzy and Sisi Ice Cream run out of money before they can find a big music exec willing to invest in Femzy’s music. They decide to return home but Omar reignites Femzy’s passion by taking him to the Coca-Cola Arena (?)
This is strange because I’m pretty sure the thing they lack is money, not passion. Sisi Ice Cream would be great at writing “So You Don’t Have To” because she immediately points this out. Omar offers to let them stay at his place for a few weeks while he helps them search for a music exec he knows. Femzy calls Dammy to ask for some money so Dammy flies to Dubai with the money instead of just sending it to him. Dammy reveals that Omar doesn’t actually know any music exec and Femzy is angry as hell. These are Omar’s excuses for lying:
WHAT?!
Then Sisi Ice Cream goes:
WHAT IS GOING ON?!
In a last attempt to save his relationship with them, Omar suggests that Femzy perform at an open mic night somewhere in the city. Femzy does it and it goes kinda well (?) Honestly, I can’t tell. After that, Sisi Ice Cream suggests Femzy shoot his music video there so they all just go out in the weirdly empty streets and start filming.
And the music video goes viral. Because why the hell not?
They all return to Nigeria.
Dammy video calls Laila and convinces her to stop being so fucking bitter.
Dammy invites Laila to he and Adaora’s wedding. Laila gives a speech explaining that she’s no longer a villain. The entire family dances to Falz’ latest single.
Just so you know, Chief Daddy 2 is way more chaotic than this. I did my best to tie it all into a somewhat coherent narrative. I left out the subplot of Tinu and Teni (Funke Akindele and Kate Henshaw, respectively) courting the same man all through the movie and then deciding to both become his wives at the end because it grossed me out and made no sense.
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