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  • Met Gala 2024 Looks as Nigerian States, According to DALL-E 3

    It’s the day after the first Monday in May 2024, and while I stayed up all night — 1 to 4 a.m., to be precise — celebrity-watching the iconic red green carpet of “The Garden of Time”, I thought, as many people have before me, “Why don’t I reimagine a Nigerian Met Gala of my own?” 

    With major help from AI, here’s what all 36 Nigerian states would wear to this gala if they somehow came to life.

    Abia

    Inspired by the Arochukwu Long Juju, the outfit would feature regal elements and intricate patterns, incorporating colours that reflect spiritual traditions and history.

    Adamawa

    Known for its rich cultural heritage and diverse communities, the outfit would embrace the traditional clothing of the Fulani, incorporating flowing robes and cowrie shells.

    Akwa Ibom

    This outfit would be a nod to the rich textile tradition of the state, focusing on raffia and vibrant woven patterns reminiscent of local crafts.

    Anambra

    Drawing inspiration from the Igbo Ukwu archaeological site, this ensemble would include metalwork and designs that echo ancient artefacts and the Igbo cultural legacy.

    Bauchi

    Highlighting the Yankari Game Reserve, the outfit would feature animal motifs and earthy tones, incorporating feathers and beaded details to represent wildlife.

    Bayelsa

    This outfit would represent the state’s coastal region with a touch of oceanic meets blooming flower themes.

    Benue

    Known for its Tiv culture, the ensemble would use the traditional black and white striped “A’nger” cloth, creatively designed into a dramatic red-carpet gown.

    Borno

    This outfit would reflect the Kanuri heritage, with intricate embroidery and bold colours, referencing the traditional attire of the region.

    Cross River

    Inspired by the Efik culture and Calabar Carnival, this outfit would be colourful, vibrant and celebratory, with feathers, beads and elaborate headpieces.

    Delta

    This outfit would combine elements of the Urhobo and Itsekiri cultures, using traditional fabrics and incorporating symbols of the oil industry, a nod to the state’s economy.

    Ebonyi

    The outfit would draw on the agricultural heritage of the state, featuring natural fibres and earthy tones, with a focus on texture and layering.

    Edo

    Inspired by the rich history of the Benin Kingdom, this ensemble would incorporate bronze work, coral beads and regal silhouettes that pay homage to the Oba’s court.

    Ekiti

    Known for its hilly terrain, this outfit would have a layered and flowing design, with patterns that resemble the landscape and traditional Yoruba fabrics.

    Enugu

    The outfit would reflect the Atilogwu dance with bright rainbow tones and a red velvet silhouette, complemented by shimmering details that symbolise the state’s transformation.

    Gombe

    Inspired by the Ashaka cement industry and the savannah landscape, this outfit would feature rugged textures and industrial elements, with pops of green to represent the Gombe forest.

    Imo

    This outfit would draw on the cultural elements of the Igbo people, featuring classic Igbo fabrics and patterns, with a modern twist on traditional silhouettes.

    Jigawa

    With its roots in agriculture, this outfit would use natural fibres and patterns inspired by farming, with earthy colours and rustic elements.

    Kaduna

    Known for its multiculturalism, the outfit would bring together Hausa, Gwari and other influences, with a focus on vibrant colours, embroidery and layered fabrics.

    Kano

    As one of Nigeria’s historic centres of commerce, this outfit would combine traditional Hausa designs with gold and silver elements, symbolising the wealth and heritage of Kano.

    Katsina

    This outfit would draw from the Emirate traditions, with richly embroidered textiles and dramatic silhouettes that reflect the regal history of the state.

    Kebbi

    The outfit would feature patterns inspired by the Argungu Fishing Festival, incorporating fish motifs and aquatic colours, with a flowing design to reflect the movement of water. 

    Kogi

    Known for its confluence of rivers, this outfit would be inspired by water themes, with blues and greens, and intricate flowing patterns to represent the river junctions.

    Kwara

    This outfit would reflect the state’s rich history of textile production, focusing on Aso Oke fabrics and intricate embroidery, with a mix of traditional and modern elements.

    Lagos

    As Nigeria’s commercial hub, the outfit would embrace contemporary fashion trends, with a cosmopolitan feel, mixing urban style with traditional Yoruba motifs.

    Nasarawa

    This outfit would reflect the state’s solid mineral resources, featuring metallic fabrics and industrial elements, with a structured design to symbolise the state’s wealth.

    Niger

    Inspired by Afro-nomadic culture, the outfit would feature white feathers and brown tones and a focus on African-Islamic style.

    Ogun

    Known for its agricultural products, especially cocoa and rubber, the outfit would use rich, earthy colours and textures, with elements that represent the state’s industries.

    Ondo

    This outfit would be inspired by the Yoruba culture and traditional festivals, incorporating rich fabrics, beadwork and dramatic headpieces that reflect the state’s heritage.

    Osun

    The outfit would be inspired by the famous Osun-Osogbo Festival, with flowing fabrics and natural colours, emphasising harmony with nature and spiritual connections.

    Oyo

    Known for the historic Oyo Empire, this outfit would embrace regal designs and traditional Yoruba patterns, with a touch of modernity to bring the ancient and contemporary together.

    Plateau

    Inspired by the state’s scenic landscape and rocky formations, this outfit would have a rugged aesthetic, using earthy tones and textured fabrics to reflect the plateau’s terrain.

    Rivers

    A flowing gown representing the serene waters of the Niger Delta, adorned with motifs inspired by the rich cultural heritage of the region’s indigenous tribes such as the Ijaw and Ogoni people.

    Sokoto

    A regal outfit inspired by the Sokoto Caliphate, with traditional Hausa embroidery, flowing fabrics, and turbans.

    Taraba

    An ensemble drawing from patterns and designs that reflect the diverse traditional influences of the city.

    Yobe

    An outfit inspired by the Nguru dunes, with earthy tones and patterns that reflect the desert landscape and traditional attire.

    Zamfara

    A garment inspired by the traditional weaving crafts, with intricate patterns and a colour scheme that represents the craftsmanship of the region.

    RELATED: 8 Nigerians That Should Be Invited to the Met Gala

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    Lolade Alaka

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  • Just Imagine: Jesus Rose on the 5th Day Instead of the 3rd

    The Bible says, “He was buried and raised from the dead on the third day”.

    But what if Jesus decided the suffering human beings had put Him through during the 33 years of His human existence was enough, and He wanted to rest for two extra days?

    Jesus knew the time was now. It’d been three days since they dragged Him through the city and treated Him like He’d gone into their homes and stolen all the money they didn’t have.

    He’s the light of the world, but where was that light coming from?

    Voice: Psstt, psssttt.

    He closed His eyes tighter, willing the voice away.

    Much better.

    But…

    Jesus sighed and closed his eyes again.

    Angel: Ah. Sir, abeg. It’s Your Daddy that sent me oo.

    Jesus:

    Angel: It is time.

    Jesus: I’m not doing.

    Angel: Hmm? 

    Jesus: Shebi you did not see the way I carried that cross? And they still flogged Me on top. 

    Angel: Sir…

    Jesus: Look at My hand.

    No, just see the hole they chook inside My hand. I need to rest, abeg.

    Angel: Master Jesus, but it’s been three days.

    Jesus: Ehen? I used the three days to conquer death and collect the keys of that fire fire place.

    The fire fire place

    Angel: Sir…

    Jesus: Shhh 

    They hear female voices, and the angel moves toward the stone at the entrance of the tomb.

    Jesus: If you…

    Everyone stands still.

    The stone starts moving, and Jesus places his hand on it to still it.

    Angel (in a whisper): It’s the Marys and Salome, Sir.

    They hear a basket drop and hurried feet moving away from the tomb.

    Jesus: Shebi you can see what you’ve done?

    Mary Magdalene, Salome and Mary, the mother of James, walk quietly towards the city.

    Salome: What if…

    Mary, the mother of James: Shhh

    Salome: Ahn ahn

    Salome walks fast to stand in front of them.

    Salome: Please, we heard what we heard. You know there’s nothing He cannot do. 

    What if Jesus is awake? 

    Strangers on the street stop to stare at them…

    …before running off.

    Mary Magdalene:

    Salome: Sorry. 

    Jesus wanted to rest, that was all. But two days after Salome and the Marys visited, no one was letting Him be. Three more angels had come to “watch over” Him, and the humans had turned His tomb into a tourist attraction. 

    So the rest He was trying to rest had touched the hem of His own garment, developed strength like no other and turned around to bite Him. 

    Jesus: Zikoko, I can hear you oo.

    He’d learnt His lesson, and it was time to get back to work.

    Jesus could hear them coming.

    He stood up from His spot on the ground.

    Jesus:

    Shall we?

    The disciples, Salome and the Marys stand in front of the now-open tomb.

    Salome drops to her knees.

    Salome:

    Mary Magdalene:

    Jesus stands behind the group, peeking into the tomb as well.

    Jesus: What are we looking at?

    Chioma Munachi

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  • Just Imagine: If People Talked Like Their Instagram Captions

    Imagine a world where real life was actually Instagram lite, and people talked the same way they wrote their Instagram captions. What would that be like?

    Hits blunt

    They would make absolutely no sense

    You’d be in a work meeting, trying your best to contribute your quota to capitalism and justify your salary, when your boss asked people to share ideas on a subject. 

    Of course, you’d immediately try to look like you’re busy thinking, even though all that’s in your head is how you forgot to warm yesterday’s leftover rice. And then the office oversabi would blurt out: “This idea felt cute, but I might delete it later”.

    LMAO. You say what?

    Communication? We don’t know her

    On your way home, while thinking about the madness that transpired at the office, you’d jump on a danfo, ready to put the stress of the work day behind you, when you came across another wonder.

    The conductor would angle his neck towards where you’re sitting beside the driver and gesture to his head. It’ll take a couple of minutes before you notice his t-shirt says, “Double-tap conductor’s head to support his brand”. 

    There would be a slight language barrier — and I don’t mean normal human language

    You’d finally get to your bus stop, but first deciding to branch the market close to your house first to buy spaghetti for dinner, you’d meet yet another surprise.

    You (to the seller): Please give me one pack of spaghetti.

    Seller: This spaghetti is the best one in the market, and with shikini money, you’ll get free delivery within Lagos and Abeokuta.

    You: Madam, which one is delivery again? I just want to buy and go, please.

    Seller: Click the link in bio to shop the best spag. Hashtag Spaghetti sellers in Lagos, hashtag sellers of Instagram, hashtag sexy cooks in…

    You: …

    Confusion would reign supreme

    You’d finally get home only to find your girlfriend and her besties posing in front of your door, looking sexy AF.

    You: Babe, I didn’t know you were coming. What’s happening?

    Babe: Happiness is being yourself.

    You: I don’t get.

    Babe: Looking good, doing better.

    You: Is everybody alright today?

    Babe (in a new pose): In love with me, myself and I.

    You: …

    Babe (in another pose): Only God can judge me.

    You: When you people finish, you know where your house is. 

    You’d finally enter the apartment, confused as hell, only to wake up the next day to realise… every day would be the exact same thing.

    NEXT READ: Just Imagine: What if Nigerian Musicians Were Your Therapists?

    Tife Oni

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  • Just Imagine: if Jujutsu Kaisen Was Set in Nigeria

    I saw this tweet a few days ago:

    And it had me thinking, what if the Jujutsu Kaisen was set in Nigeria instead of Tokyo, Japan? The characters already go through enough as it is. Imagine adding being Nigerian to their problems? 

     Jujutsu Kaisen follows the life of Yuji Itadori as he joins a secret organisation of Jujutsu Sorcerers to eliminate a powerful Curse named Ryomen Sukuna, whom Yuji’s body currently hosts. 

    I re-imagined what Jujutsu Kaisen would be like if it were set in Nigeria.

    Panda would have been a dog or a giant mosquito 

    I mean, if they are picking the animal based on an animal that best represents the country Jujutsu Kaisen is set in, and this being Nigeria, it’s only fitting that either an ekuke named “Bingo” or a mosquito would be our choice. So what if Google says it’s an Eagle? As a Nigerian, you will see more bingos and mosquitoes before ever spotting an Eagle. 

    RELATED: 7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

    The places with the most cursed energy would be government offices and bus stops

    In Jujutsu Kaisen, curses mostly lurk around secondary schools and hospitals, but if Jujutsu Kaisen was set in Nigeria? Every single government office would be full of curses because everyone curses them at least twice daily. As for bus stops, have you seen how people push each other, fight, and try to kill each other to enter danfos? God abeg. 

    It even already looks cursed. 

    Nobara’s weapon would have been a pestle

    Don’t ask me why but it’s just fitting. That babe has the anger of 20 Nigerian mothers, and you’re telling me a hammer would do the job for her? Have you seen a Nigerian woman handle a pestle before? One hit and the stupid curse would start to think about its life. 

    Nanami would have been a banker by day while selling ties on Instagram by night

    Outside writers, Nigerian bankers are the only other people who look like they hate their jobs. But not so much for Nanami. He needs the money so he can buy nice suits. He’d probably also own a tie shop that no one actually patronises, but that won’t matter to him because my man is too busy using them to fight people anyway. 

    Every time Gojo jumps, they’d try to catch him and deliver him

    Gojo would try to defy physics, as usual, flying without needing to leap off buildings and sooner or later, he would get caught. Next thing you know, they’d be shoving buckets of anointing oil down his throat as per evil spirit. 

    Large dimension fight inside traffic

    Usually, when they want to fight demons or curses, they’d go to a large space and open a dimension so people don’t get injured in the real world due to casualties. Where would we find space in this country? Take Lagos, for example. They’d have to  fight in traffic last last. That’s not even something new sha. 

    Legwork in dashiki in the end scene

    Everyone loves the Jujutsu Kaisen lost in paradise end theme, but if this anime was set in Nigeria? Legwork straight and football jersey tops or dashiki. Asake would also somehow sing the theme song. 

    Their school uniform would be khaki, and check

    One super cool thing about Jujutsu Kaisen is the school uniform. Every student has a unique way they wear theirs but individualism in a Nigerian school? Come off it, please. All of them, from Gojo to Itadori, would wear different colours of check shirts and brown Khaki pants made from the weakest material known to man. 

    The school probably wouldn’t even exist because where’s the profit on top people that want to kill you for helping them?

    Jujutsu sorcerers are a part of a secret organisation, so they don’t get paid. Unfortunately, that won’t work in Nigeria because how would they risk their lives to save people while still needing to be protected from the people they went to save? Hell, the Lagos government would make them pay flying tax and exorcism tax until they closed the school last last.

    READ ALSO: QUIZ: Only Real Jujutsu Kaisen Fans Can Score 5/10 on This Quiz

    Malakai Bassey

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  • Just Imagine: We Made a K-pop Girl Group With Your Fave Nigerian Gen-Z Stars

    Members of K-pop groups take on specific roles and positions besides singing. Just imagine Ayra Starr as the face and centre of this monster rookie band or Itohan of Nigerian Idol 2022 as the “golden maknae”.

    That’s why we created PURPLEWINE, a 4th-gen girl crush band made up of seven Nigerian Gen-Z stars. Let’s find out why each member would be in this Nigerian K-pop girl group, what the group would be known for, how well they’d do and how they’d eventually disband. 

    RELATED: K-pop Stans in Nigeria Can Relate to These Struggles

    The Unnie Line (older members)

    Sanchan: The Leader

    K-pop group leaders are either the oldest by age or years of training (RM in BTS, Red Velvet’s Irene).

    This 24-year-old brand influencer, popularly known as White Melanin, would be the oldest member, making her the default leader. The K-pop company would select Sanchan unnie to be a “visual” (AKA fine girl of the group) because of her modelling background as the face of many beauty brands. Her half-Japanese ethnicity would also be a factor, but the company would constantly deny it. Most likely the last member to be picked, they would train her for about a year to pass as a vocalist, dancer and maybe even rapper. None of that would matter though because what they want are her visuals and existing popularity to promote the group. She’ll always look out for the other members, but like BLACKPINK’s Jisoo, very few people will know she’s the leader as she’ll be completely overshadowed by the “centre” (AKA most popular member).

    Positions: leader, visual, sub-vocalist

    SANCHAN [@thewhitemelanin]. (2020, August 15). “Every single hairstyle gives me a different look 😌…anyways after this picture I took my wig off and kept [Photograph]. Instagram.

    Fave: The Vocalist

    The official vocalist position is usually given to the member with the best vocal range or technique (Aespa’s Ningning, EXO’s Baekhyun). That doesn’t mean the other members aren’t technically vocalists too.

    Fave (21) is understated but talented and passionate about music. She would’ve joined the company very early on, say ten years before PURPLEWINE’s debut. She would’ve known since she was a kid that she wanted to sing, auditioned to join the company and been the only one of thousands to be picked that year. She would then spend ten years as a trainee, learning to play every instrument (and dance every choreo) in the book while perfecting her vocals, only to be given one position and barely any parts in songs once they debut. Any part she does get would be the most difficult one. But she would kill it, so her stans would dedicate their lives to attacking the company for not giving her more.

    Position: main vocalist

    Fave [@faveszn]. (2022, April 15). “Stream Riddim 5 today!
    (real caption on twitter. 3 ha1va2 maya da1da 4na Instagram     🤭) [Photograph]. Instagram.

    Ayra Starr: The Centre & Face

    The most popular one who’s also usually the one with the most skills. Sometimes, the centre is a different person from the face of the group (In ITZY, Ryujin is the centre and Yeji is the face, while BLACKPINK’s Jennie is both).

    It would be love at first sight between the company and the self-assured 19-year-old Ayra. She joined after Fave, but still very early on, as an IJGB, and has been crowned the company’s princess/secret weapon ever since. Considered an ace because of her singing, dancing and visual skills (they’ll probably train her to hold her own as a rapper too) and charisma, the company would start promoting her some months before the debut, as the face of the group. Then, once PURPLEWINE debuts, she would literally be at the centre of the group in everything — photo shoots, music videos, live performances — the person who sings first on all their songs, gets the most lines to sing, and generally be the Beyonce. There’s one in every group TBH.

    Positions: centre, face, lead vocalist, lead dancer

    Celestial being 👼🏾🤍⭐️ [@ayrastarr]. (2022, May 22). “Stanford gave me all the energy I needed 🤍👼🏾 [Photograph]. Instagram.

    RELATED: Korean Parents Are Nigerian Parents in Disguise, Here’s Why

    The Maknae Line (younger members)

    Diana Eneje: The Visual

    The official visual of any K-pop group is the most attractive member or the closest to local beauty standards (IVE’s Wonyoung, Jisoo of BLACKPINK).

    Also 19, Diana would’ve been scouted four years earlier, by one of many company reps who roam the streets, for a group they hadn’t formed yet at the time they noticed her. Since her looks more closely represent the Nigerian standard of beauty than Sanchan’s, they would want her to be the main visual of the group. She’d probably want to be a model or actress, but they’d convince her she was made for pop superstardom despite never actually hearing her sing. She would accept and spend the next four years training for it. The company would use her and Ayra to promote the group pre-debut so that by the time PURPLEWINE debuts, they would already be it-girls. However, it won’t take long for stans to accuse her of not having any talent. But hey, Posh Spice didn’t care, so why should she? 

    Positions: visual, face, sub vocalist

    Diana Eneje [@diana_eneje]. (2022, March 24). “Attention 📌 At Ease
    Dress : @kryptstore     [Photograph]. Instagram.
    Actual evidence of Diana and Ayra promoting PURPLEWINE pre-debut. Photo Credit: BN TV

    Susan Pwajok: The Rapper

    The cool kid with the best rapping skills (BIGBANG’s G-Dragon, Soyeon of (G)I-DLE).

    There’s no evidence that Susan can actually rap. But the actress has major rapper vibes, and I honestly think she should consider it, just in case she’s looking for a side hustle. Anyway, that’s what the company would be thinking when they recruit her for this Nigerian K-pop girl group. After watching one of her many Instagram videos in which she’s being cool as usual, someone in the company would have a vision of her as a pop star and reach out to her. She’d then become a trainee for three to four years, during which time her swag would evolve into great rapping and dancing skills. She’ll end up being the most popular member some years after their debut because everyone loves a good rapper. Side note: Nigeria needs female rappers!

    Positions: lead rapper, lead dancer, sub vocalist

    Susan Laraba Ganchung Pwajok [@susanpwajok]. (2021, August 22). “main character in his dreams. [Photograph]. Instagram.

    Amarachi: The Dancer

    The most impressive dancer in terms of technique (LISA of BLACKPINK, Red Velvet’s Seulgi, TWICE’s Momo).

    Do you remember Amarachi Dance by Nigerian Willow Smith and winner of the first Airtel Nigeria’s Got Talent, Amarachi Uyanne? Well, Amarachi went viral in 2012 after winning and dropping the song (and another one featuring Phyno). She’s 17 now and has spent the last few years she was out of the spotlight swooped up by the company to train rigorously for a grand comeback as a member of PURPLEWINE. The company would be banking on people’s surprise at her return and transformation to promote the group even more. Not to mention that her obvious dancing talent would’ve been refined to its fullest power level through almost ten years of training, so she would get mad dance breaks during live performances. The devil works hard, but the head of this company works harder.

    Position: main dancer, sub vocalist, sub rapper

    Amarachi Dance [@amarachidance8]. (2022, May 2). “Today✨🙂 [Video]. Instagram.

    Itohan: The Maknae

    The youngest one (NewJeans’s Hyein, Mamamoo’s Hwasa)

    The company would snatch Itohan right after she’s made a name for herself as the Baby Dragon of the just concluded Nigerian Idol (2022). The 17-year-old would be the voice they’d been searching for to round up the group as the youngest member or “maknae”, with a huge fanbase hungry to support her harder after she failed to win the popular talent competition. They would expect her to unfurl, performing alongside the older, bolder members, so that when the band tragically goes on indefinite hiatus five years in, she would still be young — but experienced and famous — enough to have a long solo career ahead of her. Would they be conniving devils if they put all their eggs in the Ayra Starr “solo takeover” basket? I think not. She’ll sing all dem special bridges, and the stans will tag her “golden maknae” because of her big vocals, a la BTS’ Jungkook.

    Positions: main vocalist, maknae

    Itohan Agbator [@itohan_agbator]. (2022, May 20). “Short Storytime!!💃🏽💃🏽 A couple of days ago, I got a surprise gift from @shopmakiee_ 🥺. I was completely [Photograph]. Instagram.

    Introducing PURPLEWINE

    The ult 4th-gen group, PURPLEWINE’s badassery would catch everyone’s attention right away. Their visuals would be unmatched, and since there aren’t that many local female acts, they would be an instant hit, dropping fast and catchy songs with a mostly afro-trap, amapiano sound. Their choreos would be tight; they would invent new moves that would go viral, and put their spin on old popular ones as well. Like every K-pop music video, theirs would smell of Hollywood blockbuster-worthy budgets that would get them huge numbers on YouTube. That would be the beginning of the Nigerian K-pop girl group global invasion. You’re welcome, Don Jazzy.

    The Break-Up of an Iconic Girl Group

    Unfortunately, the company would mismanage their finances, everyone would vex over the preferential treatment of Ayra, and as soon as their five-year contract is up, only three out of seven would renew. Most would want to return to their actual careers; they’ve acquired the status of global pop icons, so they can now run the acting, modelling or influencer industries too. But don’t worry, OT7 forever! 

    There you have it. What do you think their fandom name should be? Tweet us or let us know in the comments section below.

    READ ALSO: These 10 K-Pop Bands Should Be on Your Next Playlist

    Lolade Alaka

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  • What Would Abbott Elementary Teachers Look Like in a Nigerian School?

    Not since The Office have we seen a workplace comedy as fun as Abbott Elementary. Created by Twitter sensation, Quinta Bronson, the show introduces us to the crazy teachers in the fictional public school, Abbott Elementary. Even though the show has wrapped up for the year, we can’t seem to get these teachers out of our minds. What would it look like if we took them out of Abbott, and placed them in Nigerian schools? Let’s find out.  

    1. Janine Teagues as the I-too-know Fine Arts or Music teacher 

    Janine is that teacher you try so hard to avoid, but you just can’t seem to escape her. For some reason, she always has a bubbly personality as if she’s not suffering in Nigeria like the rest of us. Always in charge of extra-curricular activities, she’s probably the teacher leading the debate club, the boring mid-term excursion or the end-of-year party’s choreography. Sis, rest abeg. She truly enjoys teaching, and if you let her, she’ll introduce herself to your family and become your lesson teacher.

    2. Gregory Eddie as the strict Mathematics or Intro-Tech teacher

    Teachers like Greg are always super annoying. Yes, we know our education is important, but, please, sir, be calming down. He’s the type of teacher to bombard you with assignments and give impromptu tests because he wants to “stimulate and ascertain the depths of one’s intellectual reserve”. The only redeeming quality about Greg is his good looks. And the annoying thing is, he probably doesn’t even know it. Shame. 

    3. Barbara Howard as the bougie French or Home Econs teacher

    She’s the religious, bougie teacher who speaks British English. She’s probably going to teach a fancy subject that doesn’t stress her too much, because all she really wants to do is drag students to her office during lunch break to talk about Jesus Christ. She’s good at her job without putting too much effort into it and will most likely get along with your parents. Fun fact: her husband drops and picks her up from school every day, and her nail colour is always red or purple. 

    RECOMMENDED: We Replaced the Bridgerton Season Two Cast With Nigerian Actors

    4. Ava Coleman as the short, skirt-wearing principal full of vibes and enjoyment

    If there’s one thing we know about Principal Ava is that this woman is all vibes. She’s the type of principal who’ll change her name from Ijeoma to “IJ Baby” on a whim. Will she run the school to the ground and be the worst principal? Yes. But you can always count on her to make every graduation ceremony and prize-giving day lit AF! She’s also the type of principal that’ll tell your parents all the rubbish you did in school, just so she can famz with them and collect gifts once in a while. She’s incompetent as hell, but her fashion game will always be on point and hair will always be laid to slay. Purr. 

    5. Jacob Hill as the “I want to be cool” NYSC teacher

    Do you remember that NYSC teacher that always acted like he knew all the happening slangs and popping songs? Yes, that’s Jacob. Teachers like this are so desperate to connect with students, that it can start to become very irritating. You’re not one of us, sir; go and play with your age mates. 

    6. Melissa Schemmenti as the easygoing Social Studies teacher 

    She has all the tea about everyone in school. If you check, you’ll also see that her classes are fun because she’s always going off-topic with crazy “back in my days” gist. Students love her because she doesn’t eat into free periods and rarely has the energy to punish anybody. The coolest teacher for real. 

    7. Mr. Johnson as the oversabi non-academic staff member

    He’s not a teacher, but he’s constantly snitching on students to the principal. No one knows his full name, so he tends to go by Baba-Something. He’s either the bus driver, security guard or school cleaner. If you check the records, he’s probably been in that school since they opened. Major ancient-of-days vibe.

    ALSO READ: What If Ozark Was a Nigerian TV Show?

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

    ,
    ,
  • Just Imagine if Nigeria Hosted the Olympics

    Two days ago, I asked Nigerians to share what would happen if Nigeria hosted the Olympics and just as I expected, they did not disappoint. Not only did they understand the assignment, they spiral-binded the whole thing and submitted a day in advance.

    Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it into a play.

    THE DAY BEFORE THE OLYMPICS

    A white BBC reporter is standing outside the stadium, speaking directly into a camera.

    Reporter: Today, Nigeria is making history as the first African country to ever host the Olympics. Athletes from every part of the world will be landing in the country today…

    A random Nigerian passerby comes to stand behind him and waves into the camera. The reporter stops.

    Reporter: Please, we are recording here.

    Man: I know. I came to collect omo onile money. 

    Reporter: What?

    Man: 12k.

    Reporter: The government said we can record here.

    Man: And where did you see the government here?

    The reporter gives him some money and he walks away. The reporter goes back to reporting.

    Reporter: According to reports reaching me, the Jamaican team is now at Murtala Muhammed Airport and will be heading to the… 

    (The reporter stops and presses the earpiece in his right ear) What? What? (He looks straight into the camera) The Jamaican team has been taken from the airport by law enforcement officials. They say all of them have dreadlocks. (The reporter pauses to hear the news coming to him) Even Usain Bolt?

    Reporter: News reaching us now is that Usain Bolt has also been taken into custody. And even though he doesn’t have dreads, the Nigerian police think he looks like a scammer.

    A day before the Olympics. The reporter is sitting with Nigeria’s Honourable Minister of Youth and Sports Development, Mr. Sunday Akin Dare and other ministers.

    Reporter: Honorable minister, the swim team has been complaining that there is no water in their hostel to take a bath.

    Sunday Dare: Is it not swim they are going to swim tomorrow? Why do they need to bathe?

    Reporter: We have not seen half of the American team since they arrived. Do you know where they might be?

    Sunday Dare: Me too I have not seen them.

    Reporter: When will the kits be ready? The games start tomorrow.

    Sunday Dare: Let me call our tailor (He calls Abba) Hello?…. When??? …. Are you sure?? …. Don’t shift it again o! Okay. Okay!

    Reporter: When will they get it?

    Sunday Dare: December 12.

    Reporter: But today is August 6th.

    Sunday Dare: That’s what he told me. Abi you will talk to him?

    Reporter: Mr. Lai, viewers from around the world are complaining that they may not be able to watch the Olympics.

    Lai: Do they have NTA? It’s only NTA that will show it.

    DAY OF THE OLYMPICS.

    Everybody is standing outside the gate waiting for the stadium to be open.

    Sunday Dare: (yells) Who carry key go house yesterday?!

    Sellers and vendors start arranging their wares in front of the stadium. 

    Vendor: Buy Gold Medal! No need to enter, buy gold here!

    The gates are finally opened and everybody enters.

    Commentator: The games have begun! Let the Olympic torch be lit!

    Yoruba people: Ha

    Commentator: Where is the Olympic torch?

    Yoruba people: We used it to cook party rice oh. 

    The athletes are preparing to start. President Buhari and other dignitaries are sitting in the stands.

    Commentator 1: The relay will be starting soon but it appears the batons have disappeared.

    A young man runs out with a basket and hands the athletes something.

    Commentator 2: Are those brooms?

    Buhari: HAY-FI-SIII!

    Commentator 2: Back to the 100 meters race.

    An athlete slumps.

    Commentator: (screams) We need first aid on the field!

    Sunday Dare: Go and pour glucose in her mouth!

    Nigerian official: Someone has licked glucose finish o.

    Sunday Dare: (yells at the athlete) STAND UP IN THE NAME OF JESOS!

    Commentator: It is time for the indoor javelin game. And now, England steps up. She is going for it.

    As the England athlete is about to throw it, the power goes out and the javelin lands next to Lai Mohammed but he holds his face and screams.

    Lai: (yells) NO MORE UK VISA FOR ANYBODY!

    Nigerians: 

    Commentator 1: The next Javelin throw is from Nigeria.

    Solomon Dalung steps up.

    Commentator: What is he doing? That is not a javelin!

    Solomon Dalung aims at Sunday Dare.

    Sunday Dare: IF YOU SHOOT ME!

    A fight ensues.

    Commentators:

    The medal ceremony is being held and all the winners are ready to be presented their medals.

    Commentator: Where are the medals? There appear to be none.

    Sunday Dare: The welder we gave the job to, his mummy is sick so he went to the village. So we will give you souvenirs.

    Commentator: What?

    Sunday Dare walks up to the winners and hands them a baff with the inscription ‘Adieu Mama T, courtesy children.” 

    Everyone:

    THE END OF THE OLYMPICS.

    Reporter: We have come to the end of a very eventful olympics. Nigerians have been so welcoming. Some of them have chosen to see the athletes off.

    Nigerians at the airport:

    Reporter: And some athletes have chosen to stay back as they seem to have found love in a clearly hopeless place. I’ve been Mark Zugarbe, for BBC.

    Nigerians at Ikoyi registry:

    The cameraman turns off his camera.

    Cameraman: When is our flight back to England then?

    Reporter: Oh I wouldn’t hold my breath. Our pilot has been stuck in traffic for four hours. Just get your passport ready f… (he checks his pockets) Did you take my passport?

    Cameraman: No. (searches his pocket too) Wait. Mine is gone as well.

    Hauwa L

  • #JustImagine: The Stressful Life Of A Nigerian Passport

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji*

    So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you.

    It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your house, nepa is doing shedibalabala with your current and KPOW – that’s the sound of your transformer exploding.

    You’re insulting Nigeria on Twitter when a “Study and Work in Canada” ad flashes on your phone. You lift up your bed and bring out your passport. 

    Passport: I don’t know why you were hiding me oh. It’s not like anybody wants to steal empty passport from you.

    You:

    Passport: Abeg bring me out for fresh air. No go kill me.

    You put the passport on the table and google “How to apply for a visa to Canada”.

    Passport: Just look at me. My mates are carrying visa and ticket. It’s nepa bill that they are using me to hold… Oga?

    You: What?!

    Passport: Did they say you should just be collecting passport and not be using it? 

    You: Shut up your mouth.

    Passport: (mumbles) If they are even using me to sell akara, it is better than all this nonsense.

    You check your passport for the expiry date and find out it is expired.

    You: Shit.

    Passport: See your mouth like “shit”. Why won’t I expire? Are you using me?

    PASSPORT OFFICE

    You’ve paid for express passport and  you’re waiting for the officer. She comes out with a bunch of green passports.

    Officer: You asked for 64 pages abi?

    You nod. The officer hands you your passport.

    Your passport: Where are you going that you’re collecting 64-page passport?

    Official: What is the primary purpose of the passport?

    You: I want to travel out.

    Passport: It’s a lie oh. He wants to use me as ID card.

    You:

    Passport: Or have you ever travelled out?

    You: (to the officer) I will be going to Canada this year.

    Passport: 

    You shove your passport into your breast pocket.

    Passport: Chinedu? You didn’t baff today? Why is everywhere on your body smelling like goat? Is this why they don’t give us visa?

    You’re walking to the bus stop with your passport and a Range Rover zooms past you and splashes some water on your body.

    You shout in anger and the Range stops. A woman comes out of the car.

    You: See how you stain my body with water!! Do you know where I am going?

    Passport: Where are you going? Is it airport? Is it not your house?!

    Woman: (with a British accent) I am sooo sorry. Here, let me get you to your destination.

    You: It’s okay. My house is not far.

    Passport: You better let them carry you, so that I can collect small AC and pretend I am in Canada. Because it is not like you will take me.

    In the car.

    Woman: (with her British accent) Where can I drop you?

    You: (forced accent) Actually just down that street. 

    Passport: When did you travel out to collect accent?

    You: I just want to get my car.

    Passport: Which stupid car?

    Woman: Great. Is that your passport I see peeking?

    Passport: Mummy is me, ma. Take me with you. Use me for trips. Save me from this oloriburuku.

    You tuck your passport further in.

    Passport: My mates are seeing Dubai, I am seeing 3k okirika shirt.

    The car stops.

    Woman: I’m sorry again for the splash. Let’s have dinner sometime?

    Passport: You better say yes, werey. So they can carry us and travel.

    You: Sorry, I have a girlfriend.

    Passport: (stunned, then dejected) I will die in poverty.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

  • If ATMs Could Speak

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    What’s not to love about ATMs? If you just ignore the long queues, bad network, and occasional swallowing of cards, ATMs are a lifesaver. 

    They do their jobs and let you go about your day. But what if you were stuck in a parallel universe where ATMs could speak?

    It’s 5 a.m. A young man named Kunle leaves his house with his debit card and heads for the ATM down the road.

    Kunle arrives and inserts his card into the machine. Nothing happens. Kunle slaps the machine to get it to work but still, nothing. He slaps it harder and the machine blinks to life.

    ATM: Yes? What again?

    Kunle asks to withdraw ₦50,000.

    ATM: 

    Kunle slaps the machine again.

    ATM: When did you put N50k that you want to collect?

    Kunle: Okay. Give me ₦20K then.

    ATM: From where? Which job are you doing that you want to be seeing  ₦20k? Is it not just to rub nixoderm and eat corn that you know? 

    Kunle inserts another card and asks for ₦10,000.

    ATM: Kunle, you go chop slap. You go chop slap this morning!

    The next set of people are two girls named Linda and Tochi. They step up to the machine and Linda inserts her card, requesting for ₦100,000.

    Linda: It’s time for me to shake my ass on a yacht! 

    Both of them: In Dubai! In a thong!

    ATM: It’s not only thong. Linda, it’s ₦302.56 that is in your account. 

    Tochi: Let’s use my card.

    ATM: Put it.

    Tochi inserts her card and attempts to withdraw ₦100,000.

    ATM: You can’t even pretend and press ₦1,500. Who do you want to form for? More than ₦5K usually enter your account?

    The next person steps up. It’s a middle aged man named Baba Kafayah and his wife, Iya Kafayah. Baba Kafayah puts his card into the machine and asks for  ₦25,000.

    ATM: Ah Baba Kafayah, good morning o. It’s the last money in your account that you gave Sidi yesterday. 

    Mama Kafayah: EHN?!

    ATM: He gave her for bum bum cream…

    Baba Kafayah: (cuts in angrily) Shut up! Who say you should talk!

    ATM: … And he gave Kudi money for wig.

    Baba Kafayah:

    Baba Kafayah:  Iya Kafayah, will you believe machine or your husband?

    ATM: I can print the receipt for you. He used to bring Tola here too.

    The ATM pushes out a receipt and Mama Kafayah starts to pull Baba Kafayah out of the queue, by his ear.

    Iya Kafayah: 

    Baba Kafayah: Sidi said bumbum is paining her. So I can’t help someone again?

    A couple steps up, and the man, Chike, kisses the woman, Lolade, on her cheek. He proceeds to make his withdrawal while Lolade waits behind him.

    Lolade: Babe, I’m so grateful you’re helping me with my fees. I really have nothing left in my account.

    Chike smiles and punches the machine but after a while, he turns to Lolade.

    Chike: Babe, the network is bad. The machine is not dispensing.

    ATM: I am not dispensing abi you are putting the wrong pin?

    ATM: No dey cut eye for me. Use your original pin and collect money!

    Lolade: Chike? Is that true?

    ATM: It’s true, he no wan give you money. Spend this money Oga Chike! But Madam, shey you won’t spend on bros as well.. Shey Chief just put ₦5 million in your account?

    Chike:

    Lolade: 

    ATM: You people should please shift, I have work this morning.

    Two men walk up to the machine. The first man, Kola, is in his late 20s and his companion is his father, Baba Kola.

    Baba Kola: Remove the school fees I gave you last week.

    Kola tries to insert his card. 

    ATM: Ehs! If you put that card inside me, I will swallow it. Baba, his money is not here. It is in Silver Fox; inside woman’s pant.

    Another man, Hakeem, walks up to the machine and inserts his card. He withdraws  ₦100,000 and goes in for more. He withdraws another  ₦100,000. He asks to withdraw another  ₦100,000.

    ATM: Don’t lie, you’re just coming back from Oba, abi?

    At night, an old man, Pa Saka, comes to the ATM, holding a calabash. He starts to read incantations. Pa Saka inserts his card.

    Pa Saka: It is only ₦2,500 that is inside this card but I want you to vomit  ₦2 million.

    ATM: Another day, another madness.

    ATM: I used to think this white hair on your head is wisdom. I didn’t know it was for fashion.

    Pa Saka: Vomit money!

    ATM: *swallows card* Go to the bank tomorrow and explain what you were doing here.

    A group of armed robbers rush in and start trying to remove the ATM. They keep trying but fail. They turn to Pa. Saka.

    Robbers: Give us all your money!

    Pa Saka: I don’t have any money. ATM just swallowed my card now now.

    Pa Saka’s last ₦2,500 comes out of the ATM.

    ATM: You can take this one.

    The robbers snatch it and leave.

    Pa Saka: You know you’re mad?

    ATM shrugs. Pa Saka leaves in tears

    Baba Kayafah sneaks back to the ATM – this time without Iya Kafayah – and inserts his card.

    ATM: Werey, another person don get bumbum pain abi?

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

  • If Google Maps Was Your Nigerian Mother

    GPS technology is very simple. You input a location, and it gets you to where you need to be. Clear cut and No drama.

    Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh.

    It’s morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition.

    As the engine revs, he enters a location into his phone and maps his route. He starts to drive. 

    GPS: And where are you going without morning devotion?

    David: Mummy, I’m in a hurry.

    GPS: But God was not in a hurry to wake you up today.

    David:

    GPS: (hisses) Father Lord, we commit…

    David impatiently taps the steering as his mother prays. She finishes and he starts to drive out of the compound.

    GPS: I can see you have started wearing skeleton chain and doing your hair like garage boys. Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

    David:

    David: Mummy please, what I need to know now is the fastest route to where I am going.

    GPS: Ask your father’s people. His sister is a witch, she will know.

    David: Mummy! This thing is in your system.

    GPS: Wait, let me wear glasses. And don’t rush me because you have started… Pass that left there.

    David steps on the brake and makes a sharp turn.

    GPS: Do you want to kill me, David? I’ve told you to stop driving like armed robber. Slow down, my friend.

    David: (rolls eyes)

    GPS: Enter that estate.

    David: Mum, that is off route.

    GPS: Are you going to believe that thing or are you going to listen to your mother?

    David turns and drives into the estate.

    GPS: You see that grey house? That’s where Dimeji and his wife are living. Their first child is already talking, I went to his baby’s dedication, last year. Where is your own family? Or is it until I die?

    David: (sigh) Mum, I am working on it.

    David’s phone announces – “Incoming call from Shedi Bala Bala”.

    David rushes to turn it off but it is too late.

    David:

    GPS: (silence)

    David: (coughs)

    GPS: And that’s what you’re working on abi?

    David: (silence)

    GPS: You are just doing your life bala bala. And it’s not me you are doing, it’s you. Me, I have married. Just come out of the estate and let’s be going.

    David continues driving.

    GPS: Stop here! Stop! Park the car!

    David: What is wrong?

    GPS: (shouts) Mama Juliana! (to David) Help me call her now!

    David calls for a woman in a small kiosk and she comes out.

    GPS: Ahnahn, Mama Julie, I didn’t see you at the meeting last weekend o.

    Mama Juliana: Haa, Mummy David. I sick one kain sick like that.

    GPS: Abi Papa Juliana don put another one for there?

    David: Mummy, this is not on my schedule.

    GPS: You were not on my schedule either but here we are.

    David:

    45 minutes later.

    GPS: Bye bye o, Mama Julie. Ehn ehn, what about…

    David speeds off.

    GPS: This is what I usually say about not having respect.

    David sees a woman standing by the roadside holding a bottle of water. He stops.

    David: Lillian?

    Lillian: David! Oh My God!

    David: Hop in! I’ll drive you.

    Lillian gets in.

    Lillian: It is so great to see you, My God! Oh, where can I put this bottle?

    GPS: Put it on my head. You cannot greet abi?

    Lillian: (taken aback)

    David: It’s… (sigh) It’s my mum.

    Lillian: Good evening ma. I’m sorry.

    GPS: Sorry for yourself.

    David: Mama, where should I pass now?

    GPS: How will I know, now that you have gone to carry somebody, maybe you should find your way yourself.

    David: Should I go straight?

    GPS: No, fly off the bridge.

    20 MINUTES LATER.

    GPS: We have gotten there. Praise Master Jesus.

    David and Lillian: (confused)

    David: Lillian, is this where you are going?

    Lillian: No.

    David: This isn’t my destination either.

    GPS: I know. It is where I want to buy lace material for Baba Peju’s golden jubilee. Now, David, enter inside and price Swedish Lace for me. And don’t come with rubbish or you will go back.

    David: Mum, this is not where I am going!

    GPS: Inside hangout and this place that I will get lace, which one is better? Come on, enter inside and do what I asked you to do! And I want to sleep small. I have been talking since morning, and you know I don’t like to talk too much.

    David grumbles and walks in.

    Lillian:

    GPS: Do you use to read the book of Corinthians?

    Hauwa L

  • If Catwoman Met Her Nigerian In-laws

    Nigerians parents would rather walk into a crocodile-infested river than spend two minutes in a room with a cat. You now bring a woman, who claims to be a cat, to meet your parents?

    Disaster. 

    On this episode of #JustImagine, Catwoman meets her Nigerian in-laws and things get very weird.

    There is a small crowd in the living room. People are eating, gisting and laughing when Kene and Catwoman walk into the house. Catwoman is dressed in a tight-fitting black spandex suit with a tail. She is also wearing a mask and holding a black whip. Everyone appears a little confused.

    Kene: Good Afternoon Papa, Mama.

    Kene’s parents: Welcome, my son.

    Kene and Catwoman take a seat.

    Kene’s father: (adjusts glasses) And who is this?

    Kene: The girl I have been telling you about. My girlfriend. Catwoman.

    Catwoman: (smiles) MEOW

    Everybody: 

    Kene’s Father:

    Kene’s mother: 

    Kene’s aunty:

    Kene’s father: You want to marry cat?

    Kene: (sigh) She’s not a cat.

    Catwoman: (nods) I am not… MEOWW

    Kene’s Uncle: Na cat o.

    Kene’s mother:

    Kene’s father: If I marry cat, will I have born you? 

    Kene:

    Kene’s aunty, Mama Patrick, whispers to her son.

    Mama Patrick: Maybe, that’s why they have not given you visa. Because of this cat.

    Patrick: Na true.

    Kene: Aunty, Patrick is an armed robber. That’s why they refused his visa.

    Patrick: Who say I am an armed robber?

    Mama Patrick: You too be hiding your gun now!

    Kene’s cousin comes in.

    Kene: Nasiru, take my girlfriend’s load inside.

    Nasiru: So I can turn to cat?

    Kene’s father: Enough! We have seen her, and we will accept her. What do you want to eat my dear?

    A rat runs by. Catwoman catches and chews it.

    Mama Kene: 

    Papa Kene: And you’re sure you’re not spitting out the Holy Communion they use to give us in church, Kene?

    Kene: (sighs)

    Kene: Babe, you too stop eating rat now.

    Catwoman: Sorry, it was just juicy. Want some?

    Mama Kene: (shocked) You are eating asin with her?

    Catwoman: My baby likes it.

    Mama Kene: They have get my son.

    Catwoman: Please ma, sir. I want to be with your son. He is kind, patient and he takes good care of our children…

    Kene covers Catwoman’s mouth.

    Mama Kene: Children? Whose children?

    Papa Kene: Where are these children?

    Catwoman removes Kene’s hands and speaks.

    Catwoman: MEOW MEOW MEOW

    Mama Kene: Who she dey call?

    A bunch of cats walk into the house. Everywhere scatters. Mama Patrick a bible from her purse. 

    Papa Kene screams loudly over the phone.

    Papa Kene: Dibia, be coming o! My son wants to marry cat!

    Dibia: Cat?

    Papa Kene: Yes o.

    Dibia: Cats have shown me pepper. I cannot come. Na dem make I no succeed for life. I no fit do am. Happy Married Life to Kene.

    Outside, Catwoman finally calms down and is on the roof with her cats. Kene is persuading her to come down.

    Kene: Baby, come down. Nobody will hurt you. 

    Mama Kene: And tell her to be going with those cats!

    Kene: Mama, they are your grandchildren!

    Mama Kene: . . .

    At that moment, Mama Patrick’s husband, Papa Patrick, walks into the compound.

    Papa Patrick: (screams) What is going on here!

    Catwoman: Chief?

    Papa Patrick’ eyes budge.

    Catwoman: Chief?

    Papa Patrick: Which chief? Do I know you?

    Catwoman: Are you not the one that has been saying you will change my life?

    Mama Patrick: Ehn?

    Papa Patrick: I don’t know who you’re talking about.

    Catwoman: Didn’t you say you will sell everything you have for me?

    Mama Patrick: 

    Patrick: Papa, did you sell my Xbox for woman?

    Mama Patrick: You are sleeping with cat, Papa Patrick?

    Catwoman plays a voice note on her phone and Papa Patrick’s voice comes on.

    Baby let me show you the world. I will leave my entire family for you. My wife is not fine like that again. Even her bride price, I want to collect it back. Just let me do one, you won’t regret it. I like how you use to meow.

    Mama Patrick: 

    Hauwa L

  • If Romeo And Juliet Were A Nigerian Couple

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    When you take a closer look, Romeo and Juliet is a classic Nigerian story. Boy meets Girl. They fall in love. But their parents refuse to agree to a union due to irreconcilable differences. Sounds familiar?

    The only part of this story that doesn’t quite gel is the dying part. Nigerian men will say they’d die for you, but believe that at your own risk. On this episode of Just Imagine, we turn Romeo and Juliet into a Nigerian couple named Romanus and Julie.

    JULIE’S ROOM

    Romanus, a young Nigerian man in his early 30s, walks into a dark quiet room. He switches on the light and there Julie is, dead on the floor, with a bottle of pills in her cold, lifeless hand.

    Romanus runs to her and starts to scream.

    24 HOURS BEFORE

    JULIE’S PARENTS’ HOUSE

    Julie is standing in her parents’ tastefully furnished living room. She is twiddling her fingers and sulking while her parents scold her.

    Julie’s mother: Who did you say you want to marry?

    Julie: (mutters) Romanus.

    Julie’s father: The boy that does not have bagrand?

    Julie’s mother: That spent 9 years in school getting carryovers? 

    Julie frowns and grumbles.

    Julie: It’s ASUU strike that caused it. He forgot everything because of strike.

    Julie’s father:

    Julie: (mutters) That’s who I want to marry oo.

    Her mother throws a slipper at her and she dodges it.

    Julie’s mother: Which job is he doing that you want to marry him?! I say which job?!

    Julie mutters under her breath.

    Julie’s father: You can’t answer your mother?!

    Julie: Hypeman

    Julie’s mother: Ehn?

    Julie: Hypeman at burial.

    Julie’s father:

    Julie’s father: Who… who is he hyping?

    Julie: He hypes them to heaven. Like spiritual tour guide. 

    Julie’s mother removes her gele and chases her with it. Her father is still confused.

    ROMANUS’ HOUSE.

    Romanus’ living room. There are only two chairs, a table and a small TV.

    Romanus’ father is passed out on a couch facing the TV. There is a bottle of local gin in his hand, which is almost slipping out of his grasp. Romanus walks in from behind.

    Romanus: Papa.

    No answer.

    Romanus: (louder) Papa!

    No answer.

    Romanus clears his throat and starts hyping his father.

    Romanus: One for my father, Papa Romanus. One for my Baba in heaven. One for bros Baba Jay. One for…

    Romanus’ father jerks awake.

    Romanus’ father: ARE YOU MAD? WHO ARE YOU HYPING?!

    Romanus: Papa. You’ve not died?

    Romanus’ father: Is your father that will die!

    Romaus: You’re my father.

    Romanus’ father: You can never be my seed!

    Romanus: When you didn’t answer, I thought you had died.

    Romanus’ father: It’s you and your mother’s family that will die.

    Romanus: Look Papa, I don’t have time for all this one. I came to tell you that I want to marry.

    Romanus’ father: (takes a swig from his bottle) What’s now my business?

    Romanus: We will pay bride price.

    Romanus’ father: And then?

    Romanus: Won’t you help me pay it?

    Romanus’ father: Is it me that want to marry? Don’t you have work?

    Romanus sits.

    Romanus: See Papa, people are not dying and they are not calling me to do hypeman again… You too saw how I quickly started hyping you that time? I’m really looking for work.

    Romanus’ father: So should I die?

    Romanus: If you can die this July, it will really help me.

    Romanus’ father:

    Romanus: But even if you die, nobody will pay for your hype.

    Romanus’ father: …

    Romanus: So if you can pay for it now before you die, it will be good for me.

    Romanus’ father:

    Romanus: Papa! Papa! I am your only child oh! PAPA! WHO WILL INHERIT YOUR SHOP!

    JULIE’S HOME

    Julie is humming by her window when a stone hits the glass. She opens the window and steps onto a veranda. Romanus is downstairs professing his love.

    Romanus: Ah Julie! Your face is like the rising sun!

    Julie frowns 

    Romanus: Whenever I see you like this, my head is not usually correct!

    Julie: And that’s why you want to spoil our window?

    Romanus: No vex now. You are always vexing! You know I can die for you now!

    Julie: Eh ehn?

    Romanus nods and Julie smiles.

    Romanus: This smile is what will kill me.

    Julie: What I am reading in this newspaper is that they are choosing people that will go to war. And if the person should die in war, they will give their wife money.

    Romanus:

    Julie: So can you go? So I will collect money?

    Romanus: Julie…

    Julie: Yes baby?

    Romanus: Hope you’re not mad.

    Julie: Ah ah.

    Romanus: What is ah ah! I say what is ah ah? Me, I should be going to war so I can die!

    Julie: But you don’t have money to pay my bride price so that’s what I am thinking now…

    Romanus: So if I die, who will you marry?

    Julie: Shebi our hearts belong to each other.

    Romanus: You’re mad.

    Julie: You too you’re mad.

    Romanus checks his pocket and produces a ring.

    Romanus: Anyway, I brought ring for you.

    Julie: (blushes) Romanus!

    Her mother comes into the balcony.

    Julie’s mother: I said I don’t want to see you here again!

    Romanus: Ma, I have future! I love your daughter!

    Julie’ mother: Carry that your nonsense korope and leave this place! (to Julie) Look, someone has come to ask for your hand and he came with gifts.

    Julie’s father comes in.

    Julie’s father: Is she not ready y…

    He sees Romanus.

    Julie’s father: Why is this vagabond here?!

    Romanus: Sir, I love your daughter.

    Julie’s father: GET OUT! I SAY 

    Julie’s father starts coughing and spluttering.

    Romanus: Sir!

    Julie’s father: WHAT?

    Romanus: Is it doing you like you want to die because I don’t know maybe you know that I do hypeman work.

    Julie’s father throws a paper holder at Romanus.

    As Romanus walks out of the compound, he sees a ram and starts pulling it away. He starts loading it into his bus.

    The man who has come to ask for Julie’s hand in marriage, Chinedu, comes running out.

    Chinedu: Are you mad? The ram I brought from my inlaws!

    Romanus: Is your own?

    Chinedu lunges for Romanus, and they start to fight. Juilet comes running out as Chinedu beats Romanus to a pulp.

    Romanus: Julie! Julie! Come and help your husband oh.

    Julie: I don’t use to put my mouth in fight oh.

    HOSPITAL

    Romanus is on a bed all bandaged up. Julie is by his side.

    Romanus: You know you are a useless girlfriend? That man was beating me and you did not say anything!

    Julie: Who ask you to carry our wedding ram?

    Romanus: 

    Romanus stares at her and Juliet stares back, challenging him to say nonsense.

    Romanus: Doctor said you should give me kidney.

    Julie: For what?

    Romanus: That stupid man destroyed my kidney and now it’s only remaining one.

    Julie: If I give you kidney, how many will I have?

    Romanus: You know you’re young. It cannot affect you like that.

    Julie:

    Doctor walks in.

    Doctor: He is doing well. I think he can be discharged.

    Julie: What about the kidney?

    Doctor: What kidney? His kidneys are perfectly fine.

    Romanus:

    Julie:

    Romanus: What?! Won’t I sell something to pay your bride price?!

    Julie: This is how I use to know that you’re mad!

    PRESENT DAY

    Julie is crying in her room. There is a bottle of pills by her side and a glass of water. She cries as she sends a text message.

    She opens the bottle of pills and pours some into her hand. She grabs a glass of water and switches off her bedside lamp.

    Romanus comes running into her room. He finds Julie on the ground.

    Romanus: Julie! Julie! Julie Noooooo!!

    Her mother comes crying into the room.

    Romanus: Julie, I don’t want to live without you! Take me too!

    Julie’ mother: This is the note she left for you.

    Romanus takes the note and reads it.

    Note: Romanus, I love you and I don’t want to live without you. We can get married in heaven. Just take 122 capsules and join me.

    Romanus wipes his eyes and stands up.

    Romanus: Ah 

    Julie’s mother: What?

    Romanus: She say I should use 122 drug.

    Julie’s mother: Join her my son.

    Romanus: Who is your son? My mummy is in prison. Me, I don’t even like drug before. It use to affect my stomach.

    Julie’s mother: Ehn?

    Romanus: I say I don’t like drug! I can’t drink drug o.

    Julie’s mother: (gives him a knife) Use a knife then 

    Romanus: Knife? Do you want me to die?!

    Julie’s mother: Isn’t that the plan?

    Romanus: When I have not blown? I can’t die o. Last last I can do is use the knife to cut my palm small so you can see blood. But me? I can’t die. Who will do hypeman for my baby ?

    Julie wakes up.

    Julie: Romanus, are you mad? You can’t die for me?

    Romanus: You didn’t die?

    Julie: It was a test!

    Romanus: Don’t be testing me like that please.

    Julie: You know Jack from Titanic was not up to your age when he died for woman.

    Romanus: Enter boat and marry Jack then!

    Julie: …

    Romanus: I am smelling palm oil soup. I don’t know maybe I can see small to eat before I go.

    Julie slaps him.

    Romanus and Julie lived separately ever after. Emphasis on ‘lived’ because nobody is dying for anybody in this Nigeria.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

  • If Nigerians Were In A Quiet Place – The Movie

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Nigerians in A Quiet Place? LMAO. They wouldn’t last two minutes. 

    For the people who haven’t seen the movie – A Quiet Place, the title is really all there is to it. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where sounds attract blood hungry monsters. So if you are doing anything and you make a sound, you are dead.

    On this episode of JustImagine, we reimagine Nigerians in A Quiet Place.

    LAGOS – 2021

    It is a cloudy day, and the once rowdy streets of Lagos Island are now deserted. The roadside stores have been abandoned and billboards are peeling and flapping in the wind.

    Many buildings are dilapidated and overgrown with weed, and the cars that line the streets are rusty and covered in dust. The entire area is silent. Families all live in silence.

    A Yoruba man, Kosoko, steps out into the street. He carefully looks around before he raises a walkie-talkie to his mouth.

    Kosoko: (shouting) Elo! ELO! ELO! Werey! Dare! ELO?! Oloshi, where did you go!?

    A monster starts to growl and Kosoko looks in the direction of the growl, scared.

    Kosoko: I will call y…

    The monster runs across and grabs Kosoko.

    Kosoko: JESU!

    Silence.

    BABA IBRO’S COMPOUND

    The compound, which holds a number of one-bedroom apartments, is silent.

    A bunch of buckets form a queue in front of a dripping tap. A young woman, Kafayah, walks out and sees her bucket tossed out of line.

    Kafayah: (enraged) Na who be the idiot wey remove my bucket?!

    A monster comes out and snatches her up, but she continues to scream as the monster runs.

    Kafayah: I know it is Mummy Julius! Return my bucket now!

    THE NEXT DAY

    A young man, Tope, is holding a bucket and quietly making his way to the tap in the compound. He reaches the tap but finds out it is padlocked. Tope gently tries to force it open.

    Baba Ibro jumps out of his hiding place.

    Baba Ibro: (shouting) Spoil my tap oh! Spoil it because you have paid re…

    A monster starts to growl and Baba Ibro and Tope break into a run. The monster follows them, but they manage to escape into a room and bolt the gate. They stay silent until the growling stops.

    Tope begins to signal with sign language.

    Tope: (sign language) Why did you speak?

    Baba Ibro: (frowning) Ehn?

    Tope signals to Baba Ibro to shut up.

    Baba Ibro: (angry) It is your father that will shut up! Is this how you talk to elderly peop…

    The monster punches a hole through the roof and pulls Baba Ibro out as he screams.

    Tope, petrified, silently comes out of the shop where he was hiding. He sees a fellow tenant, Baba Kolade, carefully putting up a canopy and arranging chairs.

    Tope looks very confused, but his confusion heightens when he sees a group of Yoruba women with high geles clutching coolers of food as they enter into the compound. 

    Tope walks up to Baba Kolade and begins to communicate with sign language.

    Tope: (signals) Are you having a party?

    Baba Kolade nods and signals that his wife just had a baby. At that moment, Iya Kolade, dressed in a glittering lace material, silently dances out. Tope is stunned.

    The guests smile at her and nod their heads, approvingly. Ofada rice, wrapped in leaves, start to go round. A man, smiling proudly, enters the party with a cow. Everyone hails him silently.

    Cow: Moooo

    They all freeze for a few seconds but nothing happens. Out of nowhere, a man stands.

    Man: I just want to say there is no meat in this food oh!

    A woman retorts.

    Woman: Meat has finished. Eat it like that!

    Man: But you can hide fried meat in your bag! Abi you think I didn’t see it?! Go and kill the cow they brought.

    Another man shouts.

    Man 2: And, us we didn’t see souvenir here oh!

    Someone connects the speaker and Wasiu Ayinde Barrister starts to play. A male guest bursts a move and is promptly snatched up by a monster. 

    Everything descends into chaos as people run helter-skelter. Tope hides under a car.

    A man walks in with a pipe to empty the soakaway. His assistant walks into the compound with him.

    Tope: (signals) What are you doing?

    Assistant: We will pack shit abi we will not pack shit?

    Man: (to his assistant) Your mouth is too loud!

    Tope: (signals) There are monsters everywhere!

    Assistant: They use to shit abi they don’t use to shit?

    Man: That’s why your soakaway use to quick and full! Your money is 17,000 today!

    Tope: …

    A monster growls and snatches them up.

    A curtain opens and a man peeps through. A woman comes to peep along with him.

    Woman: (whispers) Dem don chop soakaway man?

    Man: Dem no remain bone sef.

    Woman: I wan shit o.

    A few hours later, everything is calm again and Tope crawls out from underneath the car. He breathes a sigh of relief and starts walking to his apartment.

    A young man named Tochi and a band holding trumpets, a cake and a throw pillow enter into the compound. Tope’s eyes widen. Before he can say anything, the band starts to blow trumpets.

    Tochi: (shouts) Julie baby!! Happy Birthday to my Queen!

    Tope stares in confusion. Julie’s second boyfriend comes to the balcony and screams.

    Julie’s boyfriend: If you don’t get out! She has husband!

    Tochi: (to the band) Blow!

    The band starts to play a new tune. A monster growls.

    Tochi: Dem don dey come o! Run oh!

    The entire band scatters and they start to run.

    Julie’s boyfriend: You for no run now! You for…

    A monster snatches him up and runs away with him.

    Just then, another tenant comes out with a generator and is preparing to switch it on. Tope runs to him.

    Tope: (signals) Are you crazy?

    Tenant: It will not make noise, I want to watch BBN. (grins) They said Dorathy did bad things.

    Tope’s eyes widen as if to say “and so”?

    Tenant: As in, Dorathy. (he mimics a fellatio)

    Tope does not react. The tenant pushes Tope away and pulls the gen multiple times, but it does not work. The sound attracts the monsters again.

    Tenant: (To Tope) You get oil?

    Tope:

    The monster snatches the tenant and runs.

    TOPE’S APARTMENT

    Tope silently walks into his apartment. His family is sitting around a table. His mother stares at him as he walks in. He raises his brow to ask what the problem is.

    His mum points at his sister and signs something. He still does not understand.

    Tope’s mother: (screams) Your sister say she does not want to marry or born!

    Tope’s eyes widen.

    Tope’s mother: It shock you too abi?

    Tope: (angry) Is everybody mad?!! WHY IS EVERYONE STILL TALKING AND SHOUTING!!

    Tope’s mother: (shocked) You’re shouting at your mother?

    She slaps him across the head before the monster snatches Tope.

    Silence.

    Tope’s mother: (crying) Now see your brother has died because you don’t want to marry.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

  • If The Hulk Were Nigerian

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    If I had a kobo for every time I heard the phrase, “Nigeria brings out the beast in people,” my Canada relocation funds would be complete, and I’d be shaking my ass on a yacht with Bill Gates.

    But all Nigeria gives is frustration.

    Now, imagine we had a superhero who turns into a beast every time he gets angry. On this episode of Just Imagine, we turn the Hulk into a Nigerian man called Hakeem.

    OFFICE

    It is a sunny Monday afternoon and the Hulk – who will now be referred to as Hakeem – is standing outside an office building dressed in a white shirt and brown pants. He is pacing.

    He dials a number on his phone.

    Hakeem: Where are you now? I ordered this shawarma an hour ago!

    Somewhere else in Lagos, a delivery man is sitting under a tree and devouring a sharwama.

    Delivery Man: (chews) Hello, oga?

    Hakeem: I said where are you?

    Delivery Man: (picks his teeth with a finger) Oga, I no dey come again o.

    Hakeem: What do you mean you’re no… Are you chewing? Are you eating my lunch?

    Delivery Man: Na wetin I wan explain be that. As I reach that Ikeja side, one mad traffic hook me. Hunger con dey wire me. (gulps coke) And if I dey hungry like that I no fit drive. Na im I say make I park and chop this food.

    Hakeem: YOU DID WHAT?

    Delivery Man: I don say make you no vex now. (belches) Order another one. I swear, I go bring am.

    Hakeem ends the call and starts turning green, but his phone starts to ring. It’s his mum.

    Hakeem stops. He answers the call.

    Hakeem: Mama?

    Hakeem’s Mum: Did you wash plate abi you didn’t wash plate before you left this house?

    Hakeem: Mama, I am at work! 

    Hakeem’s Mum: I don’t know how I will have a child that can’t do…

    Hakeem cuts in.

    Hakeem: Mama, I have to go. I don’t have time.

    A voice in the background whispers.

    Voice: (whispers) Ask him!

    Hakeem’s Mum: Before you go, your father wants to go to Spain. 

    Hakeem: What’s my business?

    Hakeem’s Mum: Can you carry him there? With that your power?

    Hakeem’s Dad: It’s Barcelona I am going! To watch ball.

    Hakeem:

    Hakeem’s Mum: And come home fast, we are going to…

    Hakeem angrily ends the call and marches inside. As he is walking inside, a car splashes muddy water on his white shirt. Hakeem screams in frustration.

    OFFICE

    Hakeem’s boss, a middle-aged man named Segun, is sitting in a well-furnished office. A large, distasteful portrait of his head is hanging behind him.

    He presses down on a buzzer. Less than a minute later, Hakeem runs inside, but Segun does not acknowledge him. He taps into a laptop for a few seconds before he speaks.

    Segun: Hakeem, what time did you come into work today?

    Hakeem: 8:15, sir.

    Segun: When you’re supposed to come at 8.

    Hakeem: It won’t happen again, sir.

    Segun: (grunts unimpressed) We want to fire you.

    Hakeem: What?

    Segun: (looks up) I say we want to fire you!

    Hakeem: You’ve not paid me for three months.

    Segun: That’s why we want to fire you. We don’t have money.

    Hakeem: (angry) So all the work I have put in for three months is what???

    Segun: Do you want to be shouting at me? Pack your things and be going!

    Hakeem slaps everything on Segun’s table to the floor. Segun’s eyes widen as Hakeem starts to turn green and get bigger.

    Segun, terrified, hides under the table.

    Hakeem continues to get bigger and bursts through the ceiling. Segun screams.

    Segun: My ceiling!

    Hakeem smashes the printer in the office.

    Segun: I’ve not paid for that printer oh!

    Hakeem throws his table out of the window. Hakeem carries his drawer and a pair of briefs  and a bunch of clothes spill out. Hakeem stares at Segun.

    Segun: (ashamed) Landlord chased me out so this is where I am sleeping.

    Hakeem’s phone starts to ring. He picks it.

    Hakeem’s Dad: Ok. I am not going to Spain again, just carry me to Ghana. I’m owing people money here.

    Hakeem: Papa, if you call me again I sw…

    Segun: That’s your fath..? (shouts) Wo, your money is 1.7 million because your son has spoilt everything in my office!

    Gunshots are heard from the other end of the line and Hakeem’s dad screams.

    Hakeem’s Dad: TAKE ME TO SOMALIA, HAKEEM!

    ALFA’S HOUSE

    Hakeem and his mother are sitting in front of an alfa. He is pulling on a rosary as he silently chants some prayers. When he is done, he rubs his face.

    Alfa: So you said this is the boy that is always getting angry and turning to devil?

    Hakeem’s Mum: Yes, I want you to pray for him, Alfa. All this anger nonsense should stop! Forever!

    Alfa: Young man, do you know that anger is the fastest way to hell? Prophet Mohammed said we should control our anger because…

    A sound cuts Alfa short and he looks out of the window. A PHCN official is against a pole, disconnecting the electricity. Alfa flies into a rage and starts screaming.

    Alfa: Are you people mad?! Have I not paid nepa bill!?

    PHCN Official: (shouts) Your bill is N30,000! You paid 2,000!

    Alfa: (screams back in anger) Because it is 2,000 light you gave me! How many light did you give me?!

    Alfa turns to Hakeem.

    Alfa: Turn to devil!!

    Hakeem: Are you not the one that sa…

    Alfa: I know what I said! Turn to that devil hulk and come beat him for me!

    Hakeem:

    Alfa looks outside and sees that the man has not moved. He runs out and pelts him with stones.

    Hakeem’s Mom: You too go now! You know those people are thieves.

    Hakeem: What?

    Hakeem’s Mom: Go and fight for Alfa first, after we will go for deliverance somewhere else.

    STREET 

    Hakeem and his mother are driving home when they are stopped by a policeman.

    Policeman: (frowns and points at Hakeem’s mum) Who is this?

    Hakeem: My mother.

    Policeman: And who are you to him or she or her?

    Hakeem:

    Policeman: Where are your papers?

    Hakeem hands him a bunch of papers and he looks through them, unimpressed.

    Policeman: What about the receipt of this car and the receipt of the engine!

    He slams his hand on the car.

    Hakeem: How will I have that one now?

    Policeman: You’re asking me question? You will follow us to station. Get out of that car and enter our blackmaria!

    There is a struggle as Hakeem and the policeman argue. He is eventually forced into the blackmaria and he explodes, damaging the vehicle. The roof flies off.

    Policeman: Chineke!

    The policeman is terrified and almost bursts into tears. His voice shakes.

    Policeman: What will I tell them at the station!

    BACK HOME

    Hakeem walks back to his house but sees that his house has been demolished.

    Hakeem: What happened here!?

    An old woman comes to stand beside him.

    Woman: You know our local government chairman use to experience brain touch? He said he wants to do railway here.

    Hulk flies into a rage.

    Hakeem: What?

    Woman: But they are giving people whose house they demolished 2K at Costain.

    COSTAIN

    There is a small crowd and the local government chairman is standing on a podium and addressing the people.

    Chairman: So, now I will call the names of people we want to give 2K.

    He looks into his notebook.

    Chairman: Hakeem Olajuwon.

    The Chairman holds up a giant cheque with TWO THOUSAND NAIRA written on it and a man painted green walks to the podium.

    Hakeem arrives just as the man steps on stage.

    Hakeem: Who be dis wan?

    He flies into another rage and starts to destroy everything. Chairman hides behind the podium and calls the police.

    Chairman: Be coming!

    DPO: (annoyed) To where?

    Chairman: Costain! One green man is destroying everywhere.

    DPO: You’ve seen him too. He is the one that spoil our blackmaria. Abeg I cannot come make someone no go march me.

    The man impersonating Hakeem: Oga Chairman, that 2k, I go still fit see am?

    Chairman: Why is it mad people that full my constituency?

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

  • If Storm Were From Ibadan

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Take a superhero that controls the weather and drop her in a country that almost crumbles at the slightest sign of rain. Madness. In this episode of “Just Imagine”, I turn Storm into an Ibadan woman and throw her into the lives of average Nigerians living in Nigeria.

    Storm

    IBADAN, OYO STATE.

    It is 7:45 a.m. and the sun is already high up. The sounds of drivers screaming and cars honking fill the air.

    Two men, Kola and Gbenga, dressed in traditional Yoruba attire, walk into a compound of several flats with a microphone and speaker.

    Kola speaks into the  microphone.

    Kola: Storm! Storm oh!

    Storm

    An angry, disgruntled and obviously sleep-deprived woman, STORM, opens her window in anger and screams.

    Storm: Won’t you people carry your unfortunate behaviour from here? Did they swear for you? Or won’t you let someone sleep?

    Gbenga: No vex. We have a party today, and we have not seen you on the field.

    Storm: Which nonsense field?

    Kola: I born last week. And today is the naming ceremony, and I don’t know what rain will want to do.

    Storm: Didn’t your wife give birth two weeks ago?

    Kola: Yes, but this time, it is her hairdresser that gave birth for me.

    Storm: What?

    Storm

    Kola: It’s because of bumbum. Her bumbum is big, and my wife knows I don’t use big bumbum to play. Abi, Gbenga?

    Gbenga: (nods seriously) Mummy Tomiwa knows.

    Kola: She knows that if I see big bumbum, I can will out all my property.

    Gbenga: She know. We are still at court fighting to collect the Volvo he will to Sekinah Alagbo.

    Kola: Ah. I can never forget that bumbum, it want to kill me. Abi is not big?

    Storm

    Gbenga: (closes his eyes and nods) Ah no. Is big.

    Storm: Do you now see that your generation has been cursed?

    Kola: What cause insult? I need you to help me do the weather.

    Storm: Look at the sky. (Storm points at the sun) Rain will not fall. 

    Kola: I want rain to fall please. Very well. Rain should scatter the naming ceremony.

    Storm: Ehn?

    Kola: The hairdresser’s husband has been looking for me since, and he can come and shoot me at this naming ceremony.

    Storm: So don’t go.

    Kola: I should not go to a party? Me? A Yoruba man?

    Storm: (sighs)

    Gbenga: Then for me, I am doing celebration of life.

    Storm: Who died?

    Gbenga: Nobody. I just clock 32.

    Storm: Why are you celebrating your life at 32?

    Gbenga: What’s your business? Just come and make sure rain don’t fall.

    Storm: (sighs heavily) Give me the addresses of the parties.

    Kola: Is the same place.

    Storm: …

    Gbenga: We are sharing canopy.

    Storm: …

    Kola: You will do it half half.

    Storm: …

    Kola: And I want thunder to strike that her husband.

    Storm:

    Storm

     LATER THAT DAY

    Somewhere else in Ibadan. A young man, Akanmu, is frowning as he stands over Storm who has her arms out towards the sky.

    Akanmu: What are you still doing since morning?

    Storm

    Storm: Do you want rain to fall abi you don’t want rain to fall?

    Akanmu: (grumbles) Just do it so my body can move!

    Storm: (stops) So your body can move?

    Akanmu: For intercourse!

    Storm: I thought you said you wanted rain so that you can go to the farm!

    Akanmu: (smiles stupidly) She likes for us to do it at the farm that’s why.

    Storm: So I have been wasting my time doing this thing?

    Akanmu: (angrily) AND HAS IT WORK? HAS IT WORK? HAS MY BODY MOVE?

    Storm’s phone starts to ring. She picks it up.

    Voice: Storm! Be coming to Lagos! There is a problem!

    Storm starts to rise into the sky.

    Akanmu: Where are you going! My body has not moved oh!

    LEKKI LAGOS.

    Storm lands in an estate in Lekki. A woman is standing on her balcony, visibly angry.

    Storm: You needed help?

    The woman points to the flooded street.

    Woman: You see what you caused yesterday? Every time, oversabi! Now, I cannot come out of my house.

    Storm: Are you mad?

    Woman: Ehn?

    Storm: I say are you mad? Why didn’t your chairman dig gutter for you people?

    A man, dressed in a prophet’s garb, hears the noise and stretches his neck out of his window.

    Prophet: That’s Storm, abi?

    Storm: Who is shouting my name?

    The prophet points to his destroyed window.

    Prophet: Do you see how rain carried my window? You can’t tell rain to fall small small? And my DSTV dish is not there again. I’ve not seen film to watch since yesterday!

    Storm: Are you not a prophet?

    Prophet: And prophet don’t use to watch DSTV?

    A pregnant woman comes out.

    Pregnant woman: This your rain just use to make me carry belle any how.

    Storm: …

    Another man shouts.

    Man: And Amala is now N200!

    Storm: What concern Amala with this now?

    Man: I don’t know! I just want to say my mind!

    At that moment, a young lady screams.

    Young Lady: Thief! Someone stole my bag!

    Storm’s eyes start to turn white as she summons rain.

    Prophet: You see! You see what I am saying. She has started again oh! You can’t catch thief without rain?

    Pregnant woman: This rain must not bring traffic oh.

    IBADAN

    NAMING CEREMONY/CELEBRATION OF LIFE.

    Gbenga, obviously happy at the clear skies, dances at the party while Kola frowns and paces.

    Kola: Where is that storm woman now?

    Kola’s wife: You better sit down so that when they want to shoot you, bullet can enter well.

    Kola: You will let them shoot your husband? The father of your child?

    Kola’s wife: (hisses) When your preek will not stay in one place. Rubbish!

    Storm comes into the party and Kola runs up to her.

    Kola: Since morning! Oya, do rain now!

    The hairdresser’s husband walks up to Kola and punches him. A fight ensues. Storm starts to make it rain. The party descends into chaos.

    MURTALA MUHAMMED INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

    As Buhari is about the fly out of the country, the weather starts to make his plane shake.

    Buhari: Ban zat Storm woman! Ban ha!

    Storm

    LAGOS

    As the prophet fixes his window. The rain detaches and destroys another window and it flies off into the wind.

    Prophet: STORM! THEY POSSESS YOU?! THEY SEND YOU TO ME?!

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

  • If James Bond Were Sent To Nigeria

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Throughout the Bond franchise, James Bond has been sent on different missions to several countries, but have you ever seen the man in Nigeria?

    No, and there’s a reason why. 

    If James Bond were ever sent to Nigeria, this episode of Just Imagine shows the ridiculousness that would go down.

    James Bond, a white British male dressed in an expensive designer suit, is standing in the middle of Oshodi, a busy area in Lagos. He sticks out like a sore thumb.

    He taps on his watch and a hologram of another white man appears.

    Man: Your mission is to bring in a corrupt minister. Get an Uber to the Mushin Local Government, get your ammo and proceed to the minister’s villa to make the arrest.

    James Bond: Got it, sir.

    Man: You have 24 hours, Mr. Bond. Good luck.

    The hologram goes off. At that moment, a danfo driver blares his horn and sticks his head out of his window.

    Danfo Driver: (yells) Werey! You dey crase? You no go commot for road?

    James Bond, quite confident, stares at the driver daring him to do his worst.

    Annoyed, the driver stomps hard on his accelerator and charges straight for James Bond. He nearly hits him before James flies out of the way.

    Danfo Driver: You for wait now! Werey! They receive call for road!

    James Bond: 

    The Danfo Driver throws an empty Bigi Cola bottle at James Bond’s head before he zooms off. James Bond ducks and the bottle hits a street tout.

    He turns and sees James Bond standing there.

    Tout: Heis Oyinbo! Na you throw bottle for my head?

    James Bond ignores him and starts to walk away. The tout charges at him.

    Tout: You dey crase? No be you I dey talk to?

    Tout tries to hit him, but James Bond sticks a pen in his neck. This pen paralyzes the tout from his neck down. He falls to the ground.

    Tout: (weakly) Jesos oooo!

    This causes a scene and the other touts come to his rescue. A street fight ensues. They start to chase James Bond.

    STREET

    James Bond is still being chased by eight men, but he manages to lose them when he runs into a small street.

    He taps on his wrist and finds out his watch is gone.

    James Bond:

    James Bond walks into the street and stops a yellow taxi. A taxi stops and the taxi driver looks out from the window.

    Taxi driver: Where you dey go?

    James Bond: Mushin Local Government.

    Taxi driver: Your money is 25k.

    James Bond slips into the back but the taxi driver refuses to move.

    James Bond: What?

    Taxi driver: (mimicking his British accent) Woh?

    James Bond: (confused)

    Taxi driver: Am I your driver that you will be sitting at the back?

    James Bond: (further confused) What?

    Taxi driver: I say come and sit for front!

    James Bond moves to the front.  They drive in silence for a minute.

    Taxi driver: Oga.

    James Bond: Yes, mate.

    Taxi driver: Can you do visa for me?

    James Bond: What?

    Taxi driver: Every time woh woh. I say do visa for me. I graduated since 2007 but NYSC has not sent call-up letter. So, I want to leave this country.

    James Bond: You graduated? With what grade? 

    Taxi driver: They didn’t give me because they rusticate me. 

    James Bond: So you didn’t graduate.

    Taxi driver: In my mind, I graduate.

    James Bond: 

    Taxi driver: I want Australia.

    MUSHIN LOCAL GOVERNMENT.

    James Bond walks into the local government office. He sees a secretary peeling egusi. There is also a tray of ewedu by the side.

    He walks right past the secretary.

    Secretary: You, you’re blind, you can’t see me to greet?

    James Bond ignores her and enters right into the office but does not see anyone. He comes back out to meet the secretary.

    James: Your boss is not around?

    The secretary ignores him and focuses on her egusi.

    James Bond: Did he leave a message for me?

    The secretary starts singing a gospel song.

    James Bond: (infuriated) Answer me!

    Secretary: Your head is not correct! You dey crase! Na now you dey see me abi?

    James Bond: I am sorry. I need some ammo for a mission.

    The secretary hisses and brings out an old gun and two bullets.

    James Bond:

    James Bond: That’s all? Where is the AK 47? And machine guns?

    Secretary: Which money will we use to buy that one?

    James Bond: Grenade?

    The secretary hisses and looks inside her cabinet. She brings out a grenade and gives it to James Bond.

    It falls as she passes it to him. The ‘grenade’ breaks.

    James Bond: …

    Secretary: …

    James Bond: Did you paint an egg green?

    Secretary: When I tell you we don’t have money before, your ear was paining you?

    James Bond: At least where is the car I will drive?

    The secretary drops a car key on the table. James Bond takes it and walks out.

    OUTSIDE

    He steps out to find an old rickety Beetle. He looks at the secretary and she stares back.

    He finally enters the car and turns on the ignition. The car refuses to start. He tries again and the car does the same.

    The secretary, who is standing by the door, shouts.

    Secretary: You will push it first now!

    James Bond:

    James Bond steps into the busy street and jumps in front of a moving car. The car skids and stops.

    James Bond: Step out! I’m commandeering this vehicle!

    Driver: 

    James Bond: STEP OUT!

    Driver: E be like say you dey crase. Come on, get out of here!

    The driver tries to hit James Bond before he flies out of the way.

    Driver: ODE! WAKA!

    The secretary sucks on an orange and shouts from behind him.

    Secretary: Just push the car we gave you and stop doing all this serenren!

    James Bond starts pushing the car.

    James Bond is finally driving the rickety car down an express slowly and people keep honking at him to move faster.

    A police officer stops him and he parks.

    Officer Kay: Hello! Who are you? Where are your papers?

    James Bond: Unfortunately, I don’t have them right now.

    Officer Kay: Ehn?

    James Bond: I don’t have them. This car is from the government.

    Officer Kay: Which work you dey do?

    James Bond: I’m a spy.

    Officer Kay: …

    James Bond: (raises a gun and smiles)

    Officer Kay: …

    James Bond: …

    Office Kay: (screams) Oga! I don see tiff o!

    Officer Kay pulls James Bond out of the car.  James Bond fights his way out of his grasp and escapes.

    Officer Kay: (shouts) I’ve mark your face! I’ve mark it!

    MINISTER’S VILLA

    Against all the challenges, James Bond arrives at the minister’s villa and sneaks in.

    A beautiful woman is typing away on her phone and James Bond walks up to her.

    James Bond: The name’s Bond… James Bond.

    Woman: What now concern me?

    James Bond: I am on a mission to bring the man living here to book.

    Woman: Ok. But what concern me? 

    James Bond: I’m 007.

    Woman: Oga, do wetin you wan do and leave me. I’m busy

    James Bond: I want…

    The woman hisses and walks away.

     MINISTER’S LIVING ROOM

    James Bond breaks into the Minister’s living room. The Minister is sitting with his wife and they have a live band and camera crew. The band is in full swing but they all stop as James Bond storms in.

    James Bond: I am here to arres… (stops) Wha… What is going on here? 

    Minister: We are doing music video.

    James Bond: What?

    Minister: Are you deaf?? Music video!

    James Bond: Shouldn’t you be in a cabinet meeting?

    Minister: And how will I produce music video if I am inside meeting… (hiss) Why didn’t you come fast?

    James Bond: You knew I was coming?

    Minister: Ehnehn now. (yells) Chidi! Bring bag for him.

    A young man, Chidi, runs out with a bag full of cash and hands it to James Bond.

    Minister: Use it to tush up your life (to the band) Oya continue!

    The band picks up again and the Minister starts singing his gospel song.

    Minister: (stops) wait. (to James Bond) Come and stand behind me. I want oyinbo to be in the music video.

    Chidi pushes James Bond to stand behind the Minister and gives him a MIC.

    Minister: You will be shouting BLESSED THE PEOPLE THE LORD HAS CHOSEN AS HIS HERITAGE. Oya start.

    James Bond:…

    Minister:  SING!

    James Bond: BLESSED THE PEOPLE THE LORD HAS CHOSEN AS HIS HERITAGE

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If Wonder Woman Had Nigerian Parents

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    If God gave Nigerian parents clay to make the perfect daughter, they’d mould a God-fearing woman with six children and a husband she diligently submits to.

    Now, imagine God ignores their request and, instead, sends them a daughter who isn’t particularly interested in marriage and just wants to fight men all day. Chaos.

    Well, because I like chaos, I’ll be turning Wonder Woman into a Nigerian daughter named Uhoma.

    Mama Uhoma, a short and rotund cheery-looking woman, dressed in an expensive george wrapper, is coming out of a building. She is surrounded by other women, also fashionably dressed. 

    Just outside the building is a sign board that reads – ‘Christain Women of God Association’. Mama Uhoma is chatting, laughing and generally having a fun time with the other women.

    Mama Uhoma: Mama Gladys, how is your son?

    Mama Gladys: He just finished medical school. He will be going to the US in two months to start work.

    Mama Uhoma: (waves her hand) Thank you, Jesus!

    Mama Gladys: What of your own daughter?

    Mama Uhoma: She is in Law School, studying day and night. If you see how she is studying ehn, you will think she is planning to become a judge immedia…

    At that moment, the women’s guest pastor, Pastor Mike, is thrown from a building cutting Mama Uhoma short. 

    He tries to run but Uhoma, dressed in her Wonder Woman costume, jumps from the roof and attacks him. Everyone gasps.

    Woman: HA! Pastor Mike!

    Mama Gladys: (squints) Mama Uhoma, is that not your daughter?

    Mama Uhoma: (temporarily stunned) Eh… Eh…

    Mama Uhoma: (yells) UHOMA! 

    Uhoma: Ah Mama. You’re even here?

    Mama Gladys: (judgmental) Is this the law school? Is this the kind of short skirt they wear in Uhoma’s law school?

    Mama Uhoma gives Mama Gladys a nasty look and pulls Uhoma towards the car.

    Pastor Mike: (points at Uhoma as he struggles to run) Mad woman! Mad woman!! I bind you!

    Uhoma tries to attack him but he breaks into a run and enters the building.

    Mama Uhoma: (chides) I gave birth to you. You will not be disgracing me up and down.

    Uhoma: Mama, let me finish beating him!

    Mama Uhoma: Enter the car for me!

    Everyone stares at Uhoma as her mother drags her to the car.

    Uhoma’s Home

    Papa and Mama Uhoma are sitting in the living room, staring at Uhoma.

    She is standing a small distance away and sulking.

    Papa Uhoma: Look at her. Just look at her! Look at the nonsense she is wearing.

    Uhoma:

    Mama Uhoma: If you see the way she disgrace me today. Do you know it is our guest pastor that she threw from a 7-storey building?

    Uhoma: Mama, it is a one-storey building and your guest pastor is a thief. Always stealing church money. That’s why you have been building one church for 18 years.

    Mama Uhoma: Will you shut up your mouth! When will you settle down and marry? Is it until white hair starts coming out of your father’s head? 

    Papa Uhoma: Answer her!

    Mama Uhoma: Is it until he has stroke??

    Papa Uhoma: (stares at Mama Uhoma)

    Mama Uhoma: Is it until we choose casket for him??

    Papa Uhoma: Choose casket for who?

    Mama Uhoma: No, I am just saying if your daughter should continue like this, you will not see her children.

    Papa Uhoma: Can’t you use yourself as example?

    Mama Uhoma: You know you’re older than me. Is because of you I am doing this thing.

    Uhoma: I don’t want to get married.

    Mama Uhoma: Ehn??

    Papa Uhoma: You lie! You will marry and have children!

    Mama Uhoma: DO YOU WANT YOUR FATHER TO DIE EARLY?

    Papa Uhoma: (turns to Mama Uhoma) I am warning you. 

    Papa Uhoma starts to cough.

    Mama Uhoma: You see now, you know you have heart problem. Do you want me to lose you? And you know you have not written our will.

    Papa Uhoma: 

    Papa Uhoma stares at Uhoma.

    Papa Uhoma: You! Go and change! My friend is coming with his son, Thomas.

    Uhoma: Which son? To do what?

    Mama Uhoma: Will you enter inside and go and change!

    Uhoma leaves the living room.

    Papa Thomas, a middle-aged serious Igbo man, is sitting on the couch eating some snacks placed before him. His son, dressed in a well-tailored suit, is next to him.

    Papa and Mama Uhoma are pleased at how good looking and presentable Thomas looks.

    Papa Uhoma: Thomas, it has been so long since I saw you. You have grown so much.

    Papa Thomas: (smiles proudly) He is now doing investment.

    Papa Uhoma: Very good! You remember my daughter now, Uhoma.

    Thomas: Uhh… I am not…

    Mama Uhoma: (yells) UHOMA!! Come out and greet Papa Thomas o!

    Uhoma comes into the living room.

    Uhoma: Good afternoon, Uncle.

    Mama Uhoma tugs on her shirt.

    Mama Uhoma: Kneel down!

    Uhoma reluctantly goes on her knees. Papa Thomas glares at her.

    Papa Thomas: Are you not the one that remove A/C from my shop and threw it at people?

    Papa Uhoma: Ehn?

    Papa Thomas: At Obalende, when she was fighting with agbero! 

    Uhoma: 

    Thomas: Is that why we don’t have A/C?

    Uhoma looks at Thomas.

    Uhoma: Thomas? Thomas Ochuka?

    Papa Uhoma: Have you beaten him too before?

    Uhoma: Are you not the one that scammed people in the US? Didn’t they deport you last year?

    Thomas: Maybe the person looks like me.

    Uhoma unhooks her lasso of truth and wipes Thomas across his head. Thomas falls on the ground and screams. Papa Thomas is stares in shock.

    Mama Uhoma: Chimo!

    Uhoma: I say who scammed people in the US?!

    Thomas: (wailing) It’s me oh!

    Uhoma wipes him again.

    Uhoma: Why did they deport you?

    Thomas: I entered McDonalds at night to fry dodo because I don’t have oil at home.

    Uhoma: (irritated) You don’t hav… And you want to marry?

    Uhoma raises her lasso of truth again. Thomas blurts out talking before she brings it down on him.

    Thomas: I will confess, don’t wipe me again now. 

    Uhoma raises a brow. 

    Thomas: It is also me that carried 5 fowls from the secretariat during NYSC. I wanted to do birthday bash for my babe.

    Uhoma: (turns to her father) Papa, you see? This one is a mad man o. Forget the suit he is wearing.

    Papa Thomas: (enraged) You people should cage this beast you call a daughter!

    Papa Uhoma: Papa Thomas, please, we are very sorry.

    Uhoma wipes Papa Thomas with her lasso of truth.

    Papa Thomas: I’m attracted to Lion.

    Uhoma: 

    Mama Uhoma is on the ground crying.

    Mama Uhoma: She has beat everybody that is suppose to marry her!

    Uhoma: See Mama, all this crying is not necessary.

    A voice is suddenly heard.

    Voice: Help! Wonder Woman!

    Papa Uhoma: If you cross that door, don’t come back!

    Uhoma: …

    Papa Uhoma: (glares)

    Uhoma breaks the ceiling and jumps through the roof. Her parents are stunned.

    Papa Uhoma: (bends and whispers to Mama Uhoma) And you’re sure it is me you slept with to produce that thing?

    Mama Uhoma: (stands with arms akimbo) What’s that supposed to mean?

    Papa Uhoma: I am saying we don’t have madness in our side of the family!

    Mama Uhoma: So, why is your mummy always locking well early in the morning?

    Papa Uhoma: You’re calling your mother-in-law mad?

    BEER PARLOUR

    A man is sitting quite comfortably in a fairly-empty beer parlour eating a bowl of pepper soup and drinking beer.

    Man: (nonchalantly) Wonder Woman o!

    Uhoma lands in the beer parlour.

    Uhoma: I’m here!

    Man: Very good. I want to talk to you.

    Uhoma: What?

    Man: (swallows beer) Do you have boyfriend?

    Uhoma: 

    Man: (smiles and picks meat) Because, I want to marry you, asa mpete. (chews goat meat) But it is this your short skirt I don’t like. You will change it. No wife of mine will wear this kain thing outside.

    Uhoma: (irritated)

    Man: Can you cook?

    A young boy comes running.

    Young boy: Oga, our generator rope done cut o.

    Man: (to Uhoma) Abeg, remove that your  rope and give him. Let us use it to start gen.

    Uhoma: …

    Man: (smiles widely) So, do you have boyfriend? 

    Uhoma smiles beautifully.

    Man: Eehnehn! This is what I want to see.

    TWO MINUTES LATER

    The man is crying and washing a huge bowl of clothes. Next to him is an even bigger mound of clothes.

    Uhoma is holding her lasso of truth over him as he wails and continues to wash.

    Man: (cries) I just say I should toast you!

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    , ,
  • If Money Heist Happened In Nigeria

    La Casa De Papel, or Money Heist as it is famously called, was such a fan favorite in Nigeria because, other than the brilliant storyline, one heist or the other happens every day in this country. The economy is a mess, the government wants to double fuel price, and crypto is refusing to get up. 

    So, on this issue of #JustImagine, we are reimagining Money Heist in a Nigerian bank.

    A bus drives roughly into a small bank in Offa, Kwara State. Four masked robbers jump out of the car and rush towards the entry.

    The security guard is sitting by the entrance, eating roasted plantain and listening to the news on a small radio. 

    A robber pushes him off his chair and points a gun at him.

    Robber 1: Open this door! Now!

    Security Guard: Ha! You for no push me now. (rubs his head) Welcome. Be going inside.

    The robbers are bewildered.

    Robber 2: We should enter?

    Security Guard: Ehn now. Because of this Buhari economy, there is no week we don’t use to see thief.

    Robber 1: You say?

    Security Guard: (chews plantain) Enter inside. But queue is long oh.

    The security guard pushes a button and the electric door opens. Robber 1 steps inside and the door beeps red.

    Security Guard: Oga, come out first. Are you holding phone?

    Robber 1: 

    Robber 1 steps out.

    Security Guard: Enter again and put your hand up.

    The robber enters and raises his hand. The machine beeps again.

    Security Guard: I think it is that gun. Give me your gun first. I will throw it when you want to enter.

    Robber 2: So that you can shoot us?

    Security Guard: This your voice is sounding like Shina’s own. (The Security Guard squints at Robber 1’s mask) Shina werey, na you?

    Robber 3: Which stupid Shina? Open the door fast!

    Security Guard: Don’t be shouting for my head o. 

    Robber 1 hands over his gun as he steps in. It beeps green. The Security Guard quickly slides his gun inside before the electric door shuts. 

    The other robbers do the same. They are in.

    Banking Hall.

    The robbers enter the crowded banking hall but nobody pays them any attention. The hall is disorganised. Some people are in a queue while others are just loitering.

    Robber 1 cocks his gun.

    Robber 2: (shouts) Everyb…

    A random man starts shouting at the counter.

    Man: (screams) I said why did you debit me two-five!?

    Cashier: Oga, calm down.

    Man: I said who carried my two-five!!? You people want to see madness?? I will show you madness!

    The man starts undressing.

    Cashier: Oga, don’t off your pant in the bank o!

    Man: You have not seen anything! If you don’t return my money to…

    Robber 3: EVERYBODY, LIE DOWN!

    Majority of the people in the bank lay on the floor. The man glares at Robber 3. 

    Man:

    Man: You will wait for me to finish my own first o! Because I enter before you. (turns to the cashier) WHERE IS MY TWO-FIVE?!

    Cashier: Oga! It is card maintenance.

    Man: They will maintain your father’s card!

    Robber 3 walks to the cashier. 

    Man: If it is not that your bank too is mad, why will you have three counter and only one cashier?!

    Cashier: Respect yourself o, oga!

    Robber 3: What’s all this nonsense?! 

    Cashier: Oga, you see the queue too now? You will line up first because I don’t have time.

    Robber 2 points a gun at her and she reluctantly goes on her knees.

    Robber 1: Bring out the money now!

    An old man with a walking stick approaches the counter.

    Old man: My pension is remaining 75 naira o.

    Cashier: (angry) Baba! No money in this bank!

    Robber 2: Ehn?

    Cashier: That’s what I am trying to explain to you. We don’t have money. We are still owing people money.

    Old man: The N75  is what I will use to enter keke o.

    Cashier: (to the robber) Abeg, oga help me give this man ₦75.

    Robber 1: I should be borrowing people money?

    Cashier: If you come next week, I will give you back.

    Robber 2: Show us where the vault is.

    Cashier: Which vault?

    Robber 1: Where you people keep your money!

    Cashier: Oh? We are renting it out o.

    Robber 2: As what?

    Cashier: We are using it to do exam center.

    Robber 3:

    Robber 1: So you people don’t have money?

    Cashier: One kobo like this, you cannot see. 

    Robber 2: You don’t use to print money here?

    Cashier: (points to a bad printer) Even form, we use to give people to photocopy outside.

    Robber 1: What kind of stupid bank is this?

    Cashier: Face Buhari. It’s not me you should be abusing.

    Robber 2: (frowns) Where is your manager?!

    The cashier points to a small office in the corner. Robber 1 marches towards the office.

    Manager’s Office.

    Robber 1  bursts into the manager’s office. The manager is dancing in front of his laptop wearing only thongs.

    The manager spots the robber and quickly pulls up his trousers. 

    Robber 1:

    Manager: Who… Wha… What are you doing here?

    Robber 1: We came to rob, what are you doing?

    Manager: It’s side hust… You came to rob? We don’t have any money o. Didn’t our cashier tell you?

    The robber looks around. 

    Robber 1: Why do you have tiles on the wall like toilet?

    Manager: It is toilet that we convert to office.

    The Robber looks even more confused.

    Manager: The money that you want to pack here, can I see small inside?

    Robber: I thought you said there is no money?

    Manager: God can do it and you will see money.

    The manager brings out a bunch of baby clothes.

    Manager: I don’t know maybe you will want to buy baby cloth? I am selling and there is bonanza.

    Robber 1:

    Banking Hall

    Robber 2 is patrolling the hall. All the hostages are sitting on the floor. The man who came to complain at the bank is also sitting down and grumbling.

    Man: (grumbles) I don’t know which kind of useless bank is this one.

    Robber 2: Keep quiet!

    The man frowns and looks away. Robber 2 sees a beautiful girl and approaches her.

    Robber 2: What is your own name?

    Lady: (shakily) Bimpe.

    Robber 2: Can you give me your number so I can be calling you.

    The girl appears scared.

    Robber 1 pushes the manager out of the office and towards the rest of the hostages. 

    Robber 1: You people will give us all the money you have!

    Hostages: Us we don’t have money o. Is money we came to collect here.

    Robber 1 walks towards a man in a white garment.

    Robber 3: Woli, put your phone here!

    Woli: 

    Robber 3 points a gun at him.

    Woli: Nothing can happen to a child of God. Never! Bullet can never affect me.

    Robber 3 shoots the woli’s leg. Woli falls.

    Woli: Yehhhhhh JESU!!!

    The lights suddenly go off and the doors lock.

    Robber 2: Someone should on the gen!

    Cashier: Oga, you’re not hearing me? No money for petrol.

    Robber 1 runs toward the door and shouts for the security guard.

    Robber 1: Security! Open the door!

    Security Guard: Me, I am going home. 5 has knack.

    The security guard walks away and leaves him banging on the door. Someone farts.

    Robber 1: (furious) Who mess there?!

    Old man: Is me. I have condition. If they give me money to buy my drug, I won’t be messing like this.

    Robber 1: Open the window!

    A woman opens a cooler of food and the smell permeates the air.

    Robber 1: Who said you can eat?

    Woman: The food will soon be cold. And I don’t like cold food.

    Old man: Can I see small rice?

    Robber 1: (disgusted) Are you not the one that is messing!?

    A loud siren is heard outside. The police are outside.

    Man: Ehnhen! The police have come.

    A loud speaker comes on.

    Police: Surrender and come out!

    Robber 1: (shouts from the window) We are not coming out!

    Police: Is your daddy mad?! Man U match will soon start. I don’t have time for nonsense. 

    Robber 1: Before we can come out, you have to give us something!

    The woman eating tugs on the robber’s trousers.

    Woman: Me, I want coke.

    Police: I will come back at 7 o’clock, after the match.

    The policeman switches off his mic and enters the car. 

    Robber 1: Hello? Oga Olopa??!

    Woman: You see now. No coke.

    Robber 2: Call professor!

    Robber 1 places a call.

    Robber 1: Professor!

    Professor: Why are you disturbing me?

    Robber 1: We are trapped in the bank. What’s the plan B?

    Professor: We don’t have any plan B. (gulps beer) I am watching this Man U match. I will call you back tomorrow.

    Professor ends the call. A young man gets up.

    Man: I want to announce that I am doing loom. If you give me N2,500, you will collect 100K next month.

    Manager: Can you do for me? I’m owing plenty people money. 

    Robber 1 is confused. The old man farts again as he chews rice.

    Robber 2: If I shoot you now, they will say I killed elder.

    Woli: (screams in pain) Jesu kristi!! They shoot your messenger.

    There is a small noise and Robber 3 looks outside the window. Someone is removing their side mirror and wiper. 

    Robber 3: Heis! That’s our bus o! Are you mad!! Stop sucking petrol from there!! Are… Are you carrying the whole bus???!

    Robber 1: Hate this country!

    Hauwa L

    , ,
  • If Spiderman Were An Unemployed Nigerian Graduate

    Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs.

    We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, we decided to reimagine Spiderman as an unemployed Nigerian graduate.

    Spiderman comes out of his small one-room apartment, wearing only his boxers and scratching his stomach. He steps into a messy backyard and walks towards the clothing line.

    He takes his spiderman suit off the line and starts to look about, searching for something. He desperately starts to rummage through the clothes on the line.

    Spiderman: (shouts) Who carried my mask!? I say who in this compound carried my mask!?

    A young woman, Tola, walks past Spiderman and heads for the clothing line where she starts to remove her own clothes.

    Spiderman: Sister Tola, who carry my mask for here?

    Tola: I dey follow you wear mask?

    Spiderman: Wetin I wan wear today now? (shouts) I have interview today o!

    Tola: (scrutinises Spiderman) Them knack you jazz? Which one be say na everytime you go dey wear mask? You dey rob?

    Spiderman hisses and starts to walk away.

    Tola: Heis! Oga!

    Spiderman: (turns) Wetin again?

    Tola: That pant wey dey your hand. Drop am. 

    Spiderman: (laughs nervously) I even hold your pant? I no know o.

    Tola snatches her panties and hisses.

    A few minutes later, Spiderman steps out of his room into the front yard. He is holding a ClearBag and wearing his Spiderman costume which is 2 sizes too small. 

    He leafs through the content of his bag as he chews some groundnut.

    The middle-aged landlord sees Spiderman from his verandah and starts shouting.

    Landlord: Heis! You this stupid boy!

    Spiderman quickens his step to avoid him but the landlord rushes after him and catches up to him.

    Landlord: You know you have problem?

    Spiderman: Baba Landlord, which one is curse this morning?

    Landlord: You must be very stupid. They said you broke our Nepa pole yesterday when you were flying up and down. You know it’s because of you that the Nepa pole in this area remain only 2?

    Spiderman: (visibly annoyed) Baba Landlord, that’s how me I usually jump o.

    Landlord: Do you see that hole in my roof? Who will repair it?

    Landlord points are the dent in the roof and Spiderman follows his finger.

    Spiderman: Wo, Landlord! See, I will repair it when I come back from my interview.

    Spiderman starts running and swings from a streetlight. The streetlight breaks and Spiderman falls.

    Landlord: DID THEY CURSE YOU? WHY CAN’T YOU WALK! DON’T YOU HAVE LEG?

    Spiderman picks himself from the ground and swings again. This time he slams into a signboard that reads, “BABA LANDLORD CARWASH”

    The landlord gasps for a second and rushes into Spiderman’s apartment. He starts throwing his luggage out of the building.

    Spiderman: Baba Landlord! This year has not finish o!

    Landlord: Have you paid me for the year before?!

    Spiderman: At least, let me finish owing you now!

    The landlord continues throwing his luggage out.

    Spiderman starts walking down the road with his luggage. He seems to be roaming aimlessly. A scream comes through.

    Man’s Voice: Spiderman! Help!

    Spiderman: (shouts back) Nobody should disturb me oh! I don’t want to hear my name in anybody’s mouth!

    Another voice is heard.

    Voice: Spiderman! We are being attacked by unknown gunmen!

    Spiderman: (walks in the opposite direction) So they can shoot my leg? 

    Spiderman keeps walking with his luggage. A young woman’s voice tears through the air.

    Woman: Spiderman!! Help!

    Spiderman: They must have sworn for Nigerians. You people are mad?

    Woman: It’s about 12 million!

    Spiderman stops and turns. He tries to listen again.

    Woman: 12 million dollars is at stake!!

    Spiderman starts running and swinging from buildings and street lights in a rush.

    Spiderman continues swinging through trees in a forested area. The woman continues to shout.

    Woman: Spiderman! Hurry!

    Spiderman: Wo, you will calm down o! You people didn’t tell me you have bush like this in your area!

    Spiderman continues to swing until he reaches a house. He rushes into the house and a young beautiful woman is waiting for him.

    Spiderman: (pants) Where is the 12 million dollars?

    Woman: Oh thank God you’re here!

    Spiderman: I know that one. As in, where is the money?

    Woman: The problem is that I did money ritual.

    Spiderman: …

    Woman: I made a deal with some spirits and they said they will give me money. All they want is to flog someone. So, once they flog someone, they will leave the money.

    Spiderman: (nods) Ok. Have they now flog you?

    Woman: That’s why I called you so they can flog you for me.

    Spiderman: Aunty, are you alright? Who are they flogging?

    Woman: Are you not supposed to help the citizens of Nigeria?

    Spiderman: Your head must be paining you. 

    Spiderman starts to leave the house but the woman tries to hold him back. As they struggle, the lights start to flicker and the wind starts howling. They freeze.

    A loud piercing shriek starts to come from outside.

    Spiderman:

    A group of masked short spirits come in with long canes and start to dance. Spiderman starts to cry.

    Spiderman: And they told me not to do this work o.

    Woman: (pushes Spiderman) This is the offering, my children! He is your daddy!

    Spiderman: (crying) Are you mad? Which offering? Is my name Isaac? (to the spirits) Don’t mind her o! I am not your Daddy o. I just even want to be going.

    Spiderman tries to leave but the door slams shut.

    Spiderman: Heeeiiiiiiii! Jesos Our Saviour!

    The spirits continue to dance.

    Spiderman: I have job interview, sir. Even now. I am not supposed to be here.

    The spirit flogs Spiderman.

    Spiderman: Heeeiii! Where did you cut that thing from? Why is it sharp like that?

    The spirit flogs him again.

    Spirit: Dance!

    Spiderman starts wailing as he dances. The spirit continues to flog him and spiderman dances as he cries.

    Spirt: Twerk!

    Spiderman: I will twerk too?

    The spirit flogs him and spiderman bends and pushes his butt out. 

    Spirit: Shedi balabala

    Spiderman: (crying and twerking) Shedibolobolo!

    Spiderman limps as he walks through an empty street. A man dressed in a Santa costume runs up to him.

    Santa: Spiderman!

    Spiderman turns and glares at him, clearly angry.

    Santa: We were going for an event and our tyre burst. 

    Spiderman: And me I am vulcanizer?

    Santa: Just use your web to patch things for us. Just do some magic.

    Spiderman gets angry and wrestles Santa to the ground.

    Spiderman: My eye dey red o!

    Santa overpowers Spideman and ends up beating him. Santa leaves spiderman on the ground.

    THE INTERVIEW

    Spiderman rushes into his interview looking obviously disheveled and spent. He takes a seat and the interviewer looks at him curiously.

    Spiderman: (laughs nervously) Don’t mind this my look o. I just finish fighting people. You know superhero work is not easy.

    Interviewer: Why did you now bring pillow and bucket?

    Spiderman: They just gave me quit notice… My landlord is mad. That’s why I really need this job.

    Interviewer: …

    Spiderman: (looks around) If you can even give me this office to be sleeping in. I will appreciate.

    Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

    Spiderman: You did not see bucket in my hand? My mattress is outside. I say I need this work.

    Interviewer: Can we see your CV?

    Spiderman: I can tell you with my mouth.

    Interviewer: We don’t think you are the right fit. You need to train yourself in the art of job interviews and come back.

    Spiderman: …

    Interviewer: …

    Spiderman starts spreading a mat on the floor.

    Interviewer: What are you doing?

    Spiderman: (sits on the mat) I want to be seeing the next candidate so that I can learn this work fast fast. I will now do my interview again. 

    Spiderman lies down and uses a wrapper to cover his legs.

    Spiderman: I don’t kuku have anywhere I am going.

    Spiderman sits up and brings out sachet Dano and Milo. He starts making tea.

    Spiderman: Don’t mind me o. I have not eaten morning food.

    Interviewer: ….

    Spiderman: Are they selling bread around here?

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If Bill Gates And Melinda Were A Nigerian Couple

    Twitter went berserk this week after billionaire, Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, called off their 27-year-marriage. Although the divorce appears amicable, we know a Nigerian divorce between billionaires would have been chaotic. 

    So on this episode of #JustImagine, we created two fictional characters: Belu and Mide. 

    Belu’s Ikoyi Mansion.

    Belu is hiding in his locked room while Mide screams in the living room. Mide continues to cause a ruckus as Belu shakily dials his mother’s number.

    Belu: Hello Mama, Mide is doing like a bull-dog oh!

    Mide shatters a plate and kicks the door.

    Mide: You better open this door before I break it!

    Belu: (shouts) You will leave my house today!

    Mide slams a lamp into the door and Belu cowers.

    Mama Belu and his uncle, Uncle Uzor, are sitting in a disorganised living room. There’s a bottle of water in front of Uncle Uzor.

    Mide and Belu are seated far apart. They stare at each other in anger. Uncle Uzor stares at the upturned furniture and torn curtains.

    Silence.

    Uncle Uzor: Who is the mad person that bite the curtain?

    Mide hisses and looks away.

    Uncle Uzor: Before we start any reconciliation, first bring food.

    Mide: 

    Mide: You want to eat?

    Uncle Uzor: Is it only water I will drink? Stop looking at me like a witch and enter that kitchen and bring out Fufu and snail.

    Mide leaves the parlour.

    Uncle Uzor: Ehnen! That’s how a wife should behave!

    Mide comes back in and breaks a ceramic plate on Uncle Uzor’s head from behind.

    Uncle Uzor: (slumps)

    Mama Belu: The head of our family?

    Mide: Which useless family?

    Mama Belu: Uncle Uzor oh!

    Mide: You cannot ask your son what he did?

    Mama Belu: (arms akimbo) What did he do that man has not done before? Is not not small belle he gave someone?

    Mide: Small belle??

    Mide grabs a can of Baygon and sprays her mother-in-law.

    Mama Belu: YEH!

    Belu: Do you want to kill my mother???

    Mama Belu: This is why he is always looking outside!

    Mide: My lawyer will soon come! I am taking this house in the divorce!

    Mama Belu: You lie! I have called my pastor to chase you out.

    Doorbell rings.

    Woli Arole walks in with a junior woli. The junior woli starts to sprinkle holy water everywhere and Woli Arole enters into the spirit.

    Woli: The devil has no place here!

    Belu: Yes! Amen!

    Woli: Oya everybody kneel down!

    Everyone kneels except Mide.

    Woli: Won’t you kneel down?

    Mide: You want me to pour hot water on your head?

    Woli starts to pray.

    Woli: Brother Belu! God say you should sow seed! Sow seed before he can chase the devil out!

    Belu’s mum nods enthusiatically.

    Woli: (closes his eyes and shakes) Hmmmm! It is petrol station that God want!

    Belu:

    Belu: God wants to be selling petrol? For who? Angel Michael?

    Woli: If you don’t have that one (turns around and dances) God can collect container, but for your prayer to really reach heaven, it is petrol station.

    Mide: (frowns) Is like you’re mad.

    Woli: We want the one at Ikoyi.

    Mide: The petrol station I want to collect in the divorce?

    Belu’s mum: Can’t you behave yourself in the presence of God’s prophet??

    Mide: Which stupid prophet? Customer of the month at strip club?

    Woli: You usually do see me?

    Belu: How do you know Woli is their customer if you don’t use to go there?!

    Mama Belu: My son must leave you this witch!

    Mide: I already know you people are mad. That’s why it’s Babalawo that mixed your covid vaccine.

    Woli moves closer.

    Woli: Mama? Is it the vaccine you donated to our church abi another one?

    Woli’s phone starts to ring. He picks up.

    Caller: (over the phone) Woli!!

    Woli: Yes, what? I am busy now!

    Caller: It’s Alagba Michael?

    Woli: What happened to him?

    Caller: We gave him vaccine and now, he has turn to cat oh. 

    Woli: The person owing me ₦250?

    Caller: And Brother John is outside eating grass.

    Woli: That one is not bad. Just take him inside.

    Caller: You don’t understand. I’ve sent you his picture.

    Woli Arole checks his phone.

    Woli: Why did you send me goat?

    Caller: That’s brother John.

    Caller: I have sent you another picture.

    Woli: Who is this one?

    Caller: We don’t know if that’s deaconess or sister Flora.

    Woli: The person I am toasting?

    Caller: Our choir members are also on the tree oh!

    Choir members:

    Woli hangs up and kneels down.

    Woli: Sister Mide, abeg. I use my white cloth to beg you. Goat cannot pay tithe. Help us change them back.

    Doorbell rings.

    Lawyer Kunle walks into the house with his briefcase. He sees the commotion.

    Lawyer Kunle: Is this a good time?

    Uncle Uzor starts to wake.

    Mide: Sit down jare, Lawyer!

    Uncle Uzor: (to himself) It’s like they are ringing breaktime bell in my head.

    Mide places a bowl of hot Amala before Lawyer Kunle.

    Uncle Uzor: (rubs head) So you have food at home and you break plate on my head?

    Mide hisses.

    Lawyer Kunle: According to the law, Mide is entitled to half Belu’s properties.

    Mama Belu: Because of what? What will we now collect?

    Lawyer Kunle: The only way she won’t get anything is if you can prove that she is cheating.

    Belu: I can prove it!

    Mide: Prove which nonsense?

    Belu snatches Mide’s phone and dials a number.

    Belu: This is the man she is always talking to!

    Junior woli’s phone starts to ring.

    Mama Belu: Woli!

    Mide: And you nko?

    Mide snatches his phone and dials a number. Woli Arole’s phone starts to ring.

    Pastor: (raises phone) It is Cubana that is calling me to supply drinks.

    Lawyer Kunle’s phone starts to vibrate.

    Mide: 

    Mama Belu:

    Belu:

    Lawyer Kunle: Is only one time.

    Mide snatches the food from his front.

    Uncle Uzor: (tries to stand) At least, give me that one to eat.

    Mide: (hisses) You better don’t stand up. The posion I put in your water will soon start working.

    Uncle Uzor: 

    Woli Arole starts to leave the house.

    Mide: Heis! Oga! Remove the laptop you carried!

    Woli: …

    Mide: I say remove it from your bag!

    Woli: You know no tithe for me this May? So I want to open cybercafe.

    Mide snatches the laptop.

    Two weeks later.

    Uncle Uzor wakes up at Lagos State refuse dump without his clothes and is utterly confused.

    Mama Belu’s House.

    Uncle Uzor walks into the house. Mama Belu is eating from a bowl of amala and soup.

    Uncle Uzor: Nobody looked for me?

    Mama Belu: (licks fingers) Ah, Uncle Uzor. They said you were inside coma.

    Uncle Uzor: On top of refuse dump.

    Mama Belu: (tears meat and chews) Ehn, you know there is no bed at general again.

    Uncle Uzor: So refuse dump is the next thing?

    Mama Belu: Don’t be angry. At least, my God has brought you back.

    Uncle Uzor: I went to my house, they said Mide seized it. 

    Mama Belu: She took it in the divorce too. She’s using it for isolation center.

    Uncle Uzor:

    Mama Belu: Woli!!!

    Woli rushes out in an apron.

    Mama Belu: Go and cover the hole you dug in the backyard.

    Uncle Uzor: Hole for what?

    Mama Belu: (chew shaki noisily) Let’s just be thanking God that you are here.

    Uncle Uzor: Hole for what???

    Hauwa L

    , ,
  • If Trump Was A Nigerian Politician.

    It is safe to agree that Nigerian politicians were the kings of comedy until Donald Trump entered the game in 2017. And suddenly, we had competition.

    So in this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to take a break from superheroes and Disney princesses and explore politics.

    Trump’s Villa In Banana Island.

    Trump is squinting at a tab and his aide is standing next to him.

    Aide: Sir if you want to win this election, you have to get your hands dirty. In the murd.

    Trump: You say Fayose is doing what?

    Aide: He is cutting shaki at a buka.

    Trump: And Rotimi Amaechi?

    Aide: He is roasting corn in Port Harcourt, sir.

    Trump: What about Adams Oshiomole?

    Aide: He is pricing plantain chips.

    Trump: (looks up) Can he reach the tray?

    Aide: The seller is a little girl, sir.

    Trump: Ah, that makes sense.

    Aide: And Rotimi Ameachi is plaiting patewo and base for someone.

    Trump: (stands up) I have had enough. Call the press to my rally! 

    Aide: Right away, sir.

    Trump: And call Wizkid.

    Aide: He aired us, sir.

    Trump: Davido?

    Aide: He wants 30 billion.

    Trump: Call someone that can collect two-five.

    Election Rally In Lagos

    MayD is jumping on stage. Donald Trump is clad in Agbada and standing on a podium.

    Trump: I’ve seen all these politicians doing hair, frying akara and pricing garri, but is that what we need in this country?

    Crowd: NOOOO!

    Trump: I have brought something to combat our growing unemployment!

    The crowd goes wild.

    Trump: (shouts) Bring it out.

    Trump’s security guard brings 20 bottles of Goya oil to the stage and the crowd goes silent. 

    Trump: Once you rub this goya oil and pray, there will be nothing like unemployment in your life. Oya! Line up.

    A queue forms and a woman, Mama Rofia, steps up to Trump. He hands her a bottle of goya oil. She takes it.

    Mama Rofia: I think it’s cooking oil you want to give us sah.

    Trump frowns aggressively.

    Trump’s Aide steps up and whispers something in his ear.

    Aide: Sir, Aregbesola is doing common entrance in Osun State.

     Trump starts to walk out of the rally. MayD runs after him.

    MayD: Baba, I have not collected payment.

    Trump squeezes some naira notes into his hand.

    MayD: One-three?

    Trump: How much did P Square give you?

    May D:

    Hair Salon

    Trump is getting his hair done and his aide is standing next to him, looking into GCE Past Questions.

    Trump: Rauf is doing common entrance, me I want to do GCE. Ask me any question.

    Aide: What is 2(50.45 X 2.54).

    Trump: Ask me simple one.

    Aide: What is an Isololes Triangle?

    Trump: Are you mad? I said ask me simple one!

    Aide: What is 12X0.

    Trump: …

    Trump: Ask me CRS.

    Aide: Who sold his birthright for a plate of pottage?

    Trump: El Rufai.

    Aide: (sigh) Sir, No.

    Aide: Who in the bible stole from the disciples?

    Trump: James Ibori.

    Aide:

    Trump: (shouts in anger) Won’t someone come and wash my hair or is it until I start looking like Elisha Abbo?

    Trump is at a Christmas Press Conference. The hall is noisy and crowded. Journalists and citizens are sitting in the audience.

    Trump raises his hand and the hall goes silent.

    Trump: I am not supposed to be here, but God ministered to me.

    Channels Reporter: Sir, we want to know how you plan to combat unemployment in the country.

    Trump: I have done that one.

    TVC Reporter: What about bad roads sir?

    STV Reporter: There is also the problem of flood and limited access to drinking water.

    OGTV Reporter: We are also dealing with bad electricity!

    The crowd goes into a frenzy. Trump smiles and raises his hand to silence them.

    Trump: That’s why I brought a gift for everybody. Christmas gift.

    Trump’s aid pulls out a bunch of wrapped gifts and hands it out to the people. Everyone starts to open them. A young man in the audience, Kola, shouts and raises a hand-woven fan.

    Kola: What is this???

    Trump: When you people don’t have light, you can be using it to fan yourself.

    A woman, Moria, speaks up.

    Moria: I got a mop.

    Trump: When water full everywhere, you are the one that will come out and mop it.

    A 9-year-old boy raises an Econet umbrella. 

    Boy: What am I supposed to do with this?

    Trump: You’re too big to be selling card?

    Another man, Jide, shouts.

    Jide: (jubilates) I got a passport and visa sir! Thank you sir!

    Trump: I’ve told Iran that we want to fight with them this December. You are the one that will represent us. 

    NTA Reporter: Sir, I got padlock.

    Trump: To padlock your station. Because it is everytime that you people are spreading fake news about me.

    The crowd starts shouting and Trump moves away from the stage.

    Trump’s Villa.

    Trump is in his house relaxing. His Aide comes into the living room.

    Aide: Sir, Adams Oshiomole wants to see you for appointment.

    Trump: I have said everybody that wants to see me should do 5 laps round the house first.

    Aide: He did 2 and a half and collapsed sir.

    Trump: Why?

    Aide: He was wearing high heels, sir.

    Adams Oshiomole’s shameless ass outside: Moku ooo!

    Trump: What about Fayose?

    Aide: Fayose has done 3 laps but he is shouting for Glucose.

    Fayose that didn’t eat morning food: Where is the glucose?

    Suddenly, the sounds of gunshots are heard outside. Another aide runs inside.

    Aide 2: Sir, we have to go. Iran has opened fire on us!

    Trump: 

    The shooting continues and Trump runs to his chopper.

    Trump: (screams) Pilot! Take me to Uganda!

    Pilot: They banned us from there because you said their president’s face looks like undone pap.

    Trump: Burkina Faso, nko??

    Pilot: You said they should use hammer to press their president’s head.

    Trump: Where can we now go?

    Pilot: Oyo State.

    Trump: Take me there.

    Trump in Oyo, trying to avoid Ibadan people, after saying their King is using bleaching cream: 

    Hauwa L

    ,
    ,
  • If Captain America Had To Survive In Nigeria

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen? 

    So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day?

    The date is June 6, 2021. Captain America is sitting in a large boardroom overlooking the White House. A young man is standing behind him.

    A hologram flickers to life and a man appears.

    Man: You are needed in Nigeria for a highly-confidential duty. Jack there will give you your flight details. Good luck.

    Captain America stands and salutes.

    June 7, 2021. 5 A.M.

    Captain America lands in Murtala Mohammed Airport, Lagos Nigeria. The airport is dark, dingy and noisy. Ubong, a disgruntled sleep-deprived immigration officer screams.

    Ubong: NEXT!

    Captain America confidently walks forward and Ubong frowns.

    Ubong: This one that you’re walking like it’s you that is Buhari.

    Captain America: Sorry about that, mate. Lovely country here.

    Ubong: (yawns) Give me passport and visa.

    Captain America hands him the required documents.

    Ubong: (studies the document) Did you do Covid test?

    Captain America: (grins) I can’t fall sick. Don’t worry.

    Ubong: Is that what I ask you?

    Captain America: No, I didn’t.

    Ubong points to the left.

    Ubong: Pass that side…. NEXT!

    Captain America looks to the left and sees a long queue.

    Captain America: Look, I need a faster route. I am on a mission.

    Ubong: (scrutinises him) You have dollar there?

    Captain America hands him some wads of dollars and Ubong stands.

    Ubong: Follow me. 

    TOILET – June 7, 2021 7 A.M.

    Captain America is laying on the floor, unconscious. Ubong is looking at him fearfully. A woman, Justina enters.

    Justina: Why you call me, wetin appun?

    Ubong points at Captain America on the floor.

    Justina: Wetin you give am?

    Ubong raises a syringe.

    Ubong: Covid injection.

    Justina: From where?

    Ubong: Oshodi, under bridge. 

    Justina squints at the syringe.

    Justina: No be abortion injection be that?

    Ubong: say na lie.

    Justina: Dem dey sell covid vaccine for underbridge? Na doctor dey sell am?

    Ubong: He wear white coat.

    Justina: Moturary attendant too dey wear white coat.

    Ubong:

    Ubong: Oya, epp me wake am.

    Justina: 

    June 7, 2021 – 2 PM

    Captain America is lying unconscious in a wheelbarrow, on a pile of refuse. A man slowly moves closer to him.

    The man crouches next to Captain America. He removes Captain America’s shoes and tucks them under his armpit.

    Man: (to himself) This one will be ₦2,500.

    He proceeds to remove a knife from his bag and starts cutting through Captain America’s clothes. Captain America wakes up and holds his hand.

    Man: Hay! You never die?

    Captain America: Who sent you?

    Man: Ehn?

    Captain America: What are you doing?

    Man: Nothing o. I want to remove something.

    Captain America: What?

    Man: Small kidney.

    Captain America pushes him away.

    Man: Is not like I want to sell it o…. I just want to use it for work.

    Captain America: Where do you work?!

    Man: …

    Captain America grabs him by the collar.

    Man: Okija shrine, sir.

    June 7, 2021 – 2:30PM

    Captain America is walking down the street. An okadaman zooms past an old woman and snatches her phone.

    Old Woman: My phone o!

    Captain America notices this and hauls a Mountain of Fire bus at the thief. The bus slams into the thief, stopping him. The bus also knocks down a nepa pole. The pole falls on a nearby betting stall.

    A pastor rushes out of a church.

    Pastor: Who fling our church bus?! Hold this bag for me. I say who fling our bus!

    A middle-aged man shouts.

    Man: Who is the mad man that spoilt our nepa pole?

    Captain America: There was a robbery!

    Man: And what concern nepa pole?

    A young woman stares at the demolished betting stall.

    Young woman: Hei! My shop!

    The old woman walks up to the thief and retrieves her phone.

    Old Woman: (to Captain America) You sef, your gra gra is too much.

    Captain America: I caught the thief.

    Young Woman: Is this one mad? Won’t you repair the shop?!

    Just then, a couple of gunshots are heard and Captain America sees a young man running. Captain America chases after him, climbing on different yellow buses.

    He jumps down from a bridge and lands on a car. The driver of the car shouts.

    Driver: Did they swear for you?!

    Captain America: Sorry!

    Captain America swings from a nepa pole, knocking it down again. The middle-aged man from earlier screams.

    Man: Hope you know that’s where I wanted to tap light from?!

    Captain America eventually catches the shooter and knocks him down.

    Captain America: Why are you shooting? Who do you work for?

    The Shooter: Shoot? Is banger I am throwing.

    The shooter raises a stick of knockout. Captain America realises his mistake and everyone looks at him in anger.

    Man: You see that what is doing you is madness?

    Police Station

    June 7, 2021 – 5:27PM

    Captain America is sitting across from a policeman. His hands are handcuffed.

    Policeman: You’re the one that throw church bus abi?

    Captain America: In order to stop a crime… You are welcome.

    Policeman:

    Policeman: Why did you spoil nepa pole too?

    Captain America: I thought someone was shooting.

    Policeman:

    Captain America: (stands and breaks his handcuffs) I don’t have time for all this.

    Policeman: If you move, I shoot.

    Captain America takes his gun and bends it.

    Policeman: …

    Captain America: …

    Policeman: …

    Captain America: Is there any other thing?

    Policeman: Nothing sir.

    Captain America starts to walk out.

    Policeman: Ehm, you usually do America visa lottery for people, abi?

    Captain America walks out.

    June 7, 2021 – 6:30PM

    Captain America is walking down the road. He sees a woman frying Akara by the roadside and runs to her.

    Akara Seller: How much akara you wan buy, Oyinbo?

    Captain America: Is that my shield you’re using to fry stuff?

    Akara Seller: Pot wey I buy for Aswani?

    Captain America: Give me that shield right now!

    Akara Seller: If you no vamoose, I go pour you hot water.

    A man enters the conversation.

    Man: Baba I dey sell DSTV dish, you fit use am.

    Captain America:

    June 7, 2021 – 9:00 PM

    Captain America is sitting in the living room of a mansion. He is totally spent and tired. Dino Melaye walks into the house.

    Dino: Captain America! Why did you come late now!

    Captain America: There was a slight delay. Please brief me about the mission.

    Dino: Good. Is birthday we want to do.

    Captain America: …

    Dino: We want you to perform. All those things you use to do inside film, do it here.

    Captain America: You told me to come so I can perform at a party?

    Dino: APC people brought Spiderman, and I want to show them that I am bigger than them. 

    Captain America: What?!

    Dino: Why are you shouting? Didn’t I pay you people? 

    Captain America: We thought you wanted us to fight bad guys.

    Dino: Yes, you will help me to beat someone from APC.

    Captain: Huh?

    Dino: (whispers) Adams Oshiomole.

    Captain America: …

    Dino: Hold this camera, I quickly want to do something for internet.

    Dino gives Capatain America the phone and starts to sing.

    Dino: Ajekun Iya ni o je….

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If Thor Went To LASU

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Everyone knows Nigerian universities are designed to break you. But when you’re the god of thunder, it should be easy, right?

    On this episode of #JustImagine, we reimagine Thor as a Nigerian student named, Tomiwa.

    Campus Hostel

    Bode, Tomiwa’s friend and roommate, is standing outside the hostel addressing a small crowd. The crowd is agitated.

    Bode: Everybody, calm down! I said will attend to you!

    The crowd murmurs.

    Bode: Heis, Sodiq, follow me. It is your turn.

    Bode and Sodiq enter the hostel. They find Tomiwa in the room, watching a movie on his laptop. Sodiq looks at the Jesus poster on the wall.

    Sodiq: This one that there is Jesus poster here. Shey he can do the work?

    Tomiwa: Who is this?

    Bode: I’m the one that brought him. His name is Sodiq and he wants to do soap.

    Sodiq: Baba, I want to have money to be doing lau lau. I want to be shutting down Quilox so that I will be competing with Paso and Wasiu.

    Tomiwa: Soap? Who told you I am a babalawo?

    Bode: It’s me. I saw when you called thunder yesterday na. Do this soap for him.

    Sodiq: Baba abeg! Help me do am so that I will enter House of Rep. Desmond Elliot suppose chop beating this year.

    Tomiwa: He is in the House of Assembly.

    Sodiq: Sha do it for me to enter one house.

    Tomiwa: Me, I don’t know how to do soap.

    Sodiq: Ehn tell Bode to give me the money he collected for Soap Form.

    Tomiwa: You’re selling form?

    Bode: (whispers to Tomiwa) Abeg, I fit see 5k for your hand?

    Sodiq grabs Tomiwa’s laptop.

    Sodiq: When you people have my money, come and collect your laptop.

    Sodiq walks out.

    Bode: Ok. Do soap for only me then I will be doing for people.

    Tomiwa:

    Campus Hall

    A bunch of students are gathered in a hall situated on LASU campus. The students are talking above one another. Tomiwa is one of the students in the hall. The leader comes out and stands before them.

    Leader: Of the greatest Lasuites ooo

    Students: Great!!!

    Leader: Ever konigba Lasuite oooo

    Students: Ever konigba!!

    Leader: Of the greatest gba gba!

    Students: Gba Gba!

    Leader: You can see that we have not had light or water for one month while there is light in the senate building. Are we going to agree?!!

    Students: No!!

    Leader: What are we going to do???

    Students: Protest!!

    Leader: And Bode has brought the person that will fight for us. (The leader turns towards Bode) Bode, Oya!

    Bode: (stands) Greatest Gbo Gbo!

    Students: Gbo Gbo!

    Bode: My friend here, Tomiwa, is the one that will fight for us!

    Tomiwa stands and the students all hail him.

    Leader: We will go and attack the transformer because if we don’t have light nobody will have light!

    Students: Yes!!!

    Leader: And it is Tomiwa that will disconnect the transformer for us.

    Tomiwa: (looks at Bode in confusion and whispers) Ha. shebi you said I will just use hammer to do small drama?

    Bode signals to him to put his mind at rest.

    Leader: He will use his teeth to cut all the wires!

    Tomiwa:

    Tomiwa: (whispers to the leader) I am not studying elect elect o.

    Leader: (whispers back) But you can use your teeth to disconnect all the wires?

    Tomiwa: Even my teeth is not sharp like that. 

    Bode: (shouts) Tomiwa can do it! He will use thunder to strike anybody in our way!

    Students: Yes!!

    Tomiwa: Bode, why are you using life imprisonment to play with me?

    Leader: Let’s go!!

    The students all rush off. Tomiwa tries to sneak out through the back but the leader grabs him and they walk out together.

    Campus

    The students are standing in front of a transformer, carrying placards that read “Give Us Light”. The leader and Tomiwa are at the forefront.

    Leader: Oya climb it and cut that wire.

    Tomiwa: If it spark, nko?

    Leader: Is it not god of thunder you use to call yourself?

    Tomiwa: Is this now thunder?

    Leader: Just climb it and use your hammer to break everything.

    Tomiwa climbs the transformer and the students hail him. He starts to use his hammer to dismantle the transformer.

    Tomiwa: (to himself) Jehovah Jireh please, don’t let light meet me here.

    Leader: Use your teeth to cut everything yama yama!

    A police van arrives at the venue. Some policemen jump out of the car along with the Vice Chancellor. The students start to protest.

    Student: Shoot if they born you well! Shoot now!

    Tomiwa: Don’t release bullet o! You know I am on transformer? 

    Bode: Look at Tomiwa there, if you shoot the kpan on his body, the bullet will bounce back!

    Tomiwa:

    Tomiwa: Don’t mind him o, he is mad. It will not bounce o! I will die ni o!

    Nobody pays attention to Tomiwa. The students continue to chant.

    VC: Is it light you want?

    Students: Yes!!

    VC: Light will soon on in like 2 minutes.

    Tomiwa tries to get off.

    VC: Who is that one on the transformer??

    Bode: His name is Tomiwa and he is our Vice President!

    Tomiwa: Hope you’re not mad? When did I do election?

    VC: What is his matric number?

    Bode: (shouts) 180964689…

    Tomiwa: Bode!

    Bode stops reciting and turns to Tomiwa.

    Bode: Is it 89 or 98?

    Tomiwa:

    VC: It is either you go home and wait for light or all of you will get arrested. 

    The students start to leave. Tomiwa starts to climb down.

    VC: No o. You will stay until they bring light. 

    Tomiwa:

    PPL – A dangerous area.

    It is 11 p.m. and Bode and Tomiwa are walking back to the hostel. They’re at PPL.

    Bode: We would have carried the cup if not for that stupid referee.

    Tomiwa: All that one is story…

    Some fierce looking men, Bala, Scorpio, Ganja come out of a building and accost Tomiwa and Bode.

    Bala: You get mind to dey pass this place for night abi?

    Ganja: (points at Tomiwa’s red and black costume) This one even dey wear our colour.

    Bode: Let us pass and Tomiwa will not kill you! I will count to 3. (Bode shuts his eyes tight) ONE!

    Tomiwa: (whispers) Bode!

    Bode: TWO!

    Tomiwa: (sharper) Bode!

    Bode: THREE!!

    Tomiwa: Bode, I left my hammer in the hostel.

    Bode: (open his eyes) Ehn?

    Tomiwa: It’s in the hostel.

    Bode: (turns to the cultists and laughs nervously) Shebi it is Tomiwa that is wearing your colour; it’s not me. Me I can be going.

    Bode starts to walk away but Bala roughly drags him back. Bode kneels down and starts crying.

    Scorpio: Shebi, you people can fight?!

    Tomiwa: It’s not me that said it.

    Ganja: Wetin be your own name?

    Tomiwa: Thor.

    Bala kicks him.

    Tomiwa: It is Oluwatomiwasaye sir.

    The men start to beat upTomiwa and Bode.

    Bode: Help me focus on Tomiwa. He is the one that can fight. 

    Ganja: I say why you dey wear our colour?!

    Tomiwa: I went for choir practice sah. This is the uniform they chose.

    Bode: (crying) Yeh! I have ulcer, don’t kick my stomach.

    Lecturer Ojo’s Office

    Tomiwa and Mr. Ojo are inside an office. Tomiwa is sitting across from him.

    Lecturer Ojo: Why are you begging me?

    Tomiwa: Sir, I am sorry for coming late to class. It will never happen again, sir.

    Lecturer Ojo: Some students say that you say you can control thunder.

    Tomiwa: Small sir.

    Lecturer Ojo: Ok. If you do one thing for me, you won’t fail.

    Tomiwa: Anything sir.

    Lecturer Ojo: Use thunder to strike my mother-in-law.

    Tomiwa: Ehn?

    Lecturer Ojo: Are you deaf? I said use thunder to strike her in the village! She is sucking all my money from Ekiti! Using it to do w.omen’s meeting up and down. I want thunder to strike her.

    Tomiwa: Ah!

    Lecturer Ojo: Then you see this my shelf?

    Tomiwa looks at an old collapsing shelf rammed with books.

    Lecturer Ojo: You will help me to repair it.

    Tomiwa: Sir, I don’t have the tools.

    Lecturer Ojo: The hammer in your hand, what are you using it to do?

    Hostel

    Tomiwa is in his room and his girlfriend, Kiki, is arguing with him.

    Tomiwa: I am not doing it!

    Kiki: I’ve told them that you can fly o!

    Tomiwa: What?

    Kiki: And you have power.

    Tomiwa: Why?!

    Bode rushes into the room but Tomiwa and Kiki don’t notice his agitation. 

    Tomiwa: Go and return the money you collected!

    Bode: What is going on?

    Tomiwa: She booked me to be pushing trains that are not working in Kaduna.

    Kiki: And don’t forget the nollywood film you will act!

    They hear some noise coming from outside the hostel.

    Tomiwa: Who is shouting outside?

    Bode: You know the people that paid for Soap form?

    Tomiwa: That you refunded?

    Bode: I didn’t give them back o. And now they have come to collect soap. Then one woman is shouting outside that you use thunder to strike her left leg  in Ekiti.

    Tomiwa: Is she with Mr. Ojo?

    Bode: Yes.

    Bode: And the VC said their transformer is not working again. He came with soldiers because he said he saw you on the transformer.

    Tomiwa:

    Tomiwa starts looking about, frantically searching for something.

    Bode: What are you looking for?

    Tomiwa: My hammer! Where is my hammer?

    Kiki: Ah. I put it on OLX o.

    Tomiwa: WHAT?!

    Kiki: Then I used your hammer to send thunder to strike Janet o.

    Tomiwa: Janet?

    Kiki: Your sugarmummy that I always see you with!

    Tomiwa: That’s my project supervisor!

    Bode: (scratches head) I forgot to tell you that I did soap for Sodiq. He is now mad.

    Tomiwa looks at Bode, confused.

    Bode: And he is looking for you. If he bites your ear, walai, you can never hear again.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If The Little Mermaid Were Nigerian

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Headline – “Man marries Fish.”

    Does that seem like what a Nigerian man would do?

    There are only a few Nigerian men who would find out you’re a mermaid and stick by your side and even fewer that would go ahead and marry you.

    On this episode of #JustImagine, I take on Disney’s Ariel, the Little Mermaid and reimagine Ariel as Amara and Emeka as her prince.

    Ikorodu Ferry Station

    It’s just past 7am in the Ikorodu area of Lagos. Emeka is standing on a long queue of people ready to get on the ferry bobbing slightly on the water. The ferry is conveying the passengers from Ikorodu to Victoria Island, where Emeka works.

    An officer, Dele, hands out life jackets to the people as they get on the ferry. Emeka reaches the front of the queue and Dele hands him a life jacket.

    Emeka: (scrutinises the life jacket) why does this thing have a hole?

    Dele: (irritated) which hole did you see?

    Emeka shows Dele the tear on the life jacket.

    Dele: And so?

    Emeka: If this boat should capsize, won’t I drown with this life jacket?

    The woman behind Dele pokes her head.

    Woman: Oga, which one is capsize? Abeg, Jesus will not let that one happen. Collect the thing and pray on top. Or maybe you should go and enter BRT.

    Dele hands the woman a lifejacket with an even bigger hole in it.

    The Ferry starts to move towards Lagos Island. A distance away from the ferry, Amara, a mermaid, swims to the surface of the water. The tide changes and the ferry starts to shake. 

    Woman: Jesus! Jesus o!!

    Emeka holds on to his lifejacket and does the cross sign.

    Amara swims under the ferry and holds it steady. After a while, the ferry stabilises and Amara swims away. Emeka catches a glimpse of her tail.

    Emeka: Hay! Mamiwater o! I saw mamiwater!

    Woman: (frowns) Are you the one they sent to us? Because you were the one shouting capsize before. Now, it is mamiwater.

    Emeka: I saw mamiwater.

    Woman: You better stop saying rubbish!

    Underwater

    At the bottom of the sea, Amara is kneeling, surrounded by singing mermaids. The singing stops as soon as their leader, Queen Mother, steps out of the shadows.

    Queen Mother: Amara! You say you want human legs?

    Amara nods.

    Queen Mother: Because of a man.

    Amara: I want to marry him, Queen Mother.

    Queen Mother: And what will you give me in return?

    Amara: (humbly) My voice.

    Queen Mother: That sounds like generator?

    Amara: 

    Queen Mother: Talk another thing.

     Amara whistles and some mermen bring in a chariot. Amara bows dramatically.

    Amara: Queen Mother, I present you the latest sea chariot. This one is really expensive. 

    Queen Mother: Amara.

    Amara: (bows) Queen Mother, I am your servant.

    Queen Mother: That’s the chariot they stole from me last week.

    Amara: 

    Amara looks at the chariot and back at Queen Mother.

    Amara: This is it?

    Queen Mother points at the number plate that reads – Queen Mother’s Chariot.

    Amara: Is it your own Queen Mother? Or like Agbowa side Queen Mother.

    Queen Mother:

    Amara: Help me, ma. I want to marry.

    Queen Mother: Do you have anything else to give me?

    Amara:

    Queen Mother:

    Amara: I have sardine.

    Queen Mother: (sighs) Just give me your voice.

    Amara opens her mouth and Queen Mother takes her voice.

    Queen Mother: Swim to the surface and your legs will appear. If you do not marry that man in four weeks, you will go back to being a mermaid and become my prisoner. Now go!

    Amara starts to drag the chariot out.

    Queen Mother: Is it that your head is not correct?

    Amara: Sorry, ma.

    Emeka’s Office.

    Emeka’s boss, Mr Jude, walks into the office with Amara. Everyone looks up from their computers.

    Mr Jude: Everyone, I want to introduce Amara. She is our new intern.

    Amara waves and all the men in the office wave back, excitedly.

    Mr Jude: Emeka, you will be mentoring Amara this week.

    Mr Jude leaves the office and Amara goes to sit next to Emeka.

    Emeka: (laughs nervously and stretches out his hand) Hi, my name is Emeka.

    Amara grins and shakes his hand.

    Close of Business

    It’s almost six in the evening and Amara is packing her bags. Emeka stops at her desk and Amara looks up.

    Emeka: Hey, do you want me to wait for you?

    Amara nods and finishes up before they walk out together.

    Emeka: Do you want to grab something to eat?

    Amara nods.

    Restaurant

    Emeka and Amara are sitting at a table. On Emeka’s plate are different kinds of fish. Emeka is eating everything, hungrily. 

    Emeka: (crushes bone) There is no kind of fish that I don’t eat. 

    Amara raises her brow.

    Emeka: You, you’re not eating? You don’t like fish?

    Amara shakes her head.

    Emeka: You’re missing o. (cuts fish) Are you a vegetarian?

    Amara nods.

    Emeka: (laughs) I will teach you how to eat fish. (calls out) Iya Seki! Bring two more titus and one kote for me.

    Amara’s eyes widen.

    Emeka: If I don’t eat titus, I can die. My uncle is a fisherman (crushes bones) Look at that water.

    Amara looks towards the lagoon.

    Emeka: If fish should finish there, hold my uncle. He is the one that caught all the fish.

    Amara: 

    Beach Date

    Amara and Emeka are sitting on the sea and watching the waves. Emeka leans in and they kiss.

    Amara looks at him and points to her ring finger.

    Emeka: You want me to engage you?

    Amara nods.

    Emeka: Ha. I don’t know o.

    Amara looks at him and Emeka faces her.

    Emeka: Let me not lie for you. Sometimes, you use to behave somehow.

    Amara stares.

    Emeka: Why do you use to go to the river at 3am? What are you always looking for?

    Amara signs that she is washing clothes.

    Emeka: Why are you washing cloth at 3am? Then when you come back at 4am, you will sleep on tree. (leans in and whispers) shey you are ok?

    Amara nods.

    Emeka sits back and brings out some fish and starts eating.

    Emeka: (chews) Me, I don’t think so o.

    Amara stares at him.

    Emeka: I should stop eating fish again?

    Amara nods.

    Emeka: Ok. Sorry.

    Amara writes on a paper – Tomorrow is my birthday, come to the river at 6pm.

    Emeka: We are going to water again?

    The River

    Amara and her friends are in the shallow part of the water, surrounding a chair. Emeka reaches the water and sees Amara wearing a crown.

    Emeka: This is what I was saying before o. This is what I was saying o. Why are you wearing crown now? When you’re not Queen of the Coast.

    Amara gestures for him to come in.

    Emeka: Come where?

    Amara points to the chair.

    Emeka: That burial chair?

    Amara nods.

    Emeka: So you people can collect my destiny?

    Amara shakes her head.

    Emeka: Is it not your birthday? Why am I the one sitting on chair?

    Amara points to her ring finger.

    Emeka: You want to do wedding?

    Amara nods.

    Emeka: Is this the way to church? Is it not birthday we came to do?

    Amara is frustrated. She points at her ring finger.

    Emeka: I say we will go to church! CHURCH!

    The End Of Amara’s Four Weeks 

    It’s a few minutes to sundown and Amara is at a local bar with Emeka and his friend, Saheed. Saheed is a little drunk while Amara bites her fingernails nervously.

    She raises her hand and points at her ring finger.

    Emeka: (gulps a glass of beer) Amara, calm down. See engagement ring is expensive o. Abi will you buy it?

    Amara nods.

    Saheed: (belchs) Maybe you can help me buy another beer here.

    The sun goes down and a loud gong sounds. Amara starts to shake as she turns into a mermaid. Emeka jumps up. The woman running the bar runs inside and locks her door.

    Saheeed falls off his chair and Emeka wipes his eyes as he stares at Amara in disbelief.

    Saheed: (whispers) Amara is Titus?

    Queen Mother appears. 

    Queen Mother: Amara, your four weeks are up.

    Queen Mother looks at Saheed and Emeka.

    Queen Mother: Which one is the one you wanted to marry?

    Amara points to Emeka and Emeka points to Saheed.

    Saheed: Who? Ma, it is not me o.

    Queen Mother: Amara, I will only let you live if your man is willing to fight for you.

    Emeka: Is Saheed that will fight.

    Saheed: Hope they have not been swearing for you?

    Emeka: I bought Gulder for you now!

    Saheed: I should now die because of that?

    Queen Mother: Shut up! You, why haven’t you married Amara?

    Emeka: (prostrates) Mummy, I have wife.

    Amara stares at him.

    Emeka: In the village. See the picture.

    Emeka shows Queen Mother some photos on his phone. Saheed looks at it.

    Saheed: When did you marry Fathia Balogun?

    Emeka: Shut up your dirty mouth.

    Queen Mother: For your deceit, you are coming with me!

    Emeka: Ha! I have promotion interview tomorrow o.

    Saheed starts to leave.

    Queen Mother: And you too.

    Saheed: Ehn? Ma, Is not like I don’t want to go with you but I still have 1,000 Naira with GTB. Do you have GTB branch there?

    Queen Mother touches them and they vanish. The bar woman comes out and starts wailing.

    Bar woman: Them no give me money ooo!

    Underwater

    Emeka and Saheed are dressed in loincloths, mopping the bottom of the ocean as punishment.

    Saheed: Because of Gulder that I say you should buy for me, I have reach marine kingdom to be mopping ocean.

    Emeka: (mops)

    Saheed: You get two bay?

    Emeka: For what?

    Saheed: I wan carry fishwoman this night.

    Saheed winks at a mermaid swimming closeby.

    Emeka:

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    , ,
  • If Fast & Furious Were Directed In Nigeria

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    To drive in Nigeria, you must be insane. It is a standard requirement. So, in a way, we are living the real-life version of Fast & Furious. Except when it comes to jumping from buses to tankers. Who is helping you do that one?

    So, on this episode of Just Imagine, I’ll be reimagining Fast & Furious as a Nigerian movie because if there’s one thing we know about Nigerians, it is that we don’t play with our lives.

    24 Hours Before The Shoot.

    Director’s Apartment.

    The Director is sitting on a couch in his brightly-lit living room. He picks up his phone and dials a few numbers.

    Director: Hello! Hope everybody can hear me?

    The people over the phone respond.

    Director: We will be shooting the car race scene tomorrow, so come with your cars because we don’t have car to give you.

    There is some murmuring over the phone.

    Director: I say come with your car!

    The director ends the call.

    24 Hours Before The Shoot.

    Tattoo Parlour.

    Frank Donga drops a call. He is sitting in a tattoo artist’s chair while the artist stands next to him and lays out his instruments.

    Frank: You see that this director is mad? Where will I see car now?

    The tattoo artist continues his task, ignoring Frank Donga.

    Frank: Abi, I can see your own car to borrow?

    Tattoo Artist: I don’t have.

    Frank: That one outside nko? That school bus. Is not your own?

    The tattoo artist holds up an instrument and turns it on. The needle starts to spin. Frank Donga looks from the needle to the artist.

    Frank: Is that what you will use for me?

    Tattoo Artist: You said you want a big lion on your forehead, right?

    Frank: I didn’t know that it is this drill you will use oh. 

    Tattoo Artist: Have you changed your mind?

    Frank: (nods) Draw only the lion’s face. I don’t want body again.

    The tattoo artist nods.

    Frank: I don’t want it to have eyes, nose and mouth o.

    Tattoo Artist: …

    Frank: …

    Tattoo Artist: So you want an empty circle on your forehead?

    Frank: Help me do half.

    The tattoo artist sighs and lifts his needle.

    Frank: Oga?

    Tattoo Artist: Yes?

    Frank: Don’t you have those sticker tattoo?

    Tattoo Artist:

    12 Hours Before The Shoot.

    Car Dealership.

    Toyin Abraham, dressed in shorts, a fake Lacoste shirt and slippers is walking around the Mercedes dealership. A young salesman walks behind her as she checks out the cars.

    Toyin: (points at a car) How much?

    Salesman: 60 million, ma.

    Toyin: How much for staff discount?

    Salesman: Ideally, there is a 2.5% discount, but you’re not staff.

    Toyin looks around, leans in and presses ₦350 into his hands.

    Toyin: (whispering) Hold this one first.

    Salesman: (sighs) Security!

    Toyin: 

    15 Minutes Before The Shoot.

    The Director is standing on Third Mainland Bridge, frowning at Toyin Abraham who is chewing sugarcane.

    Director: Why did you bring trailer that is carrying goats?

    Toyin: (bites sugarcane) I’m taking it to Kano. I want to use one stone to kill two bir…

    Frank Donga pulls up with an APGA (All Progressives Grand Alliance) keke napep. The director looks inside and sees 3 people dressed in the APGA t-shirt.

    Director: Who are all these ones?

    Frank Donga: (turns to them) Vote APGA!

    The Members: (in unison) All Progressives Grand Alliance!

    Frank Donga: (leans in and whispers) I lied that I’m taking them to presidential meeting.

    Director: (whispers back to him) Are you mad? Which stupid pre…

    Toyin interrupts them.

    Toyin: Where is Odunlade and Ibu? I don’t have time, abeg.

    A red Ferrari is spotted in the distance, speeding down.

    Frank: Na them be dat?

    Director: Finally! Someone has sense!

    The Ferrari speeds right past them. They all watch it go. Right behind the Ferrari, a black maria pulls up and Odunlade jumps out of the vehicle.

    Director: What is this nonsense that you brought?

    Odunlade: They brought to arrest my father-in-law but I quickly say I should borrow it. Let’s do fast o.

    Mr Ibu walks into the scene barefoot, eating an orange.

    Director: Where is your own car, Ibu?

    Mr Ibu: (sucks orange) E still dey for mechanic (chews pulp). I fit borrow your okada?

    Director: 

    The Shoot

    The director hands the cast their walkie-talkies.

    Director: This is how we will communicate. Now, ACTION!

    The three vehicles speed off. Mr Ibu follows them on the Director’s okada. A drone follows them and the director watches the footage on his laptop.

    Director: Ibu! Take your okada and slide under that container in your front.

    Mr Ibu: 

    Director: I say drive under that container!

    Mr Ibu:

    Director: (hisses) Frank, take Ibu’s place under the trailer.

    Frank: So that I will die unnatural death?

    Director: You’re acting Fast & Furious!

    Frank: That’s why I should die another person’s death?

    Director:

    Director: Toyin, take your trailer and jump off the bridge inside the water.

    Toyin: Because is boat I am driving?

    A lady is walking on the street. Frank Donga parks his keke next to her.

    Frank: Aunty. Ikeja bridge is N150. Hold your change o.

    Lady: I’m not going.

    The lady continues to walk.

    Frank: Where are you now going?

    Lady: Apongbon.

    Frank: That’s where me too I’m going.

    Director: (shouts into his walkie-talkie) CUT! Frank! What are you doing?

    Frank Donga turns off his walkie-talkie.

    APGA Member: (from behind Frank) Which Apongbon? Are you not taking us to presidential meeting?

    Frank: No dey spit for my head. You people cannot even win election, I don’t know why you’re going up and down. (to the lady) This keke is my own, I can take you anywhere.

    APGA Member: Our party keke?

    Lady: Thank you, my boyfriend will soon be here.

    Frank: Ehn ehn?

    Lady: Ehn.

    Frank:

    Her boyfriend, a military man, walks up to them. He is holding a rifle.

    Man: What are you talking to my girlfriend about?

    Frank: The eternal Kingdom of Christ.

    Odunlade is approaching railway tracks. There is a loud horn to signify that a train is approaching.

    Odunlade stops his back maria.

    Director: Odunlade! Go and stay in front of that train!

    Odunlade:

    Director: Odunlade, jump in front of the train now!

    Odunlade:

    Director: Ibu, you run in front of the train jare.

    Mr Ibu: 

    Frank: (speaks into his walkie talkie) Director?

    Director: What?!

    Frank: Agbero don remove my own tire o and soldier don collect my key.

    Director: Collect it back. Tell them you’re filming.

    Frank: So that they can collect my kidney join?

    Odunlade stops a plantain chips vendor and starts to price the chips.

    Director: Odunlade!

    Odunlade: Wo, you will calm down ni o. Because I don’t know why your blood is hot for cassette film.

    Director: Get back on the road and crash into a danfo. I want everywhere to explode.

    Odunlade turns off his walkie-talkie and collects his plantain chips.

    Director: Ibu? Where are you going?

    Mr Ibu: Church.

    Director: WHAT? For what?!

    Mr Ibu: I want to sow seed with this okada.

    Director: Whose okada? My okada?

    Mr Ibu: You don’t want me to progress?

    Some LASTMA officials stop Toyin Abraham’s bus and are screaming at her.

    Lastma: Bring your papers now! Where are you going with this trailer?

    Toyin: Calm down first. Let me get down.

    Lastma: We will arrest you if you don’t shut up.

    Toyin:

    Lastma:

    Director: Toyin! Do you know you’re on my set?

    Toyin: If you say nonsense, you will collect.

    Director: (screams) CUT! Everybody come back here, we need to talk!

    The others turn but Toyin Abraham keeps driving.

    Director: Toyin! Where are you going?!

    Toyin: You put cotton wool in your ear when I told you that I am going to give them goat in Kano, abi? 

    Director: Won’t we finish this film?

    Toyin: I will come for part two.

    Odunlade: (whispers into his walkie-talkie) Dire?

    Director: What?!

    Odunlade: They have started looking for the black maria and I’ve given them your address and Facebook picture.

    Director:

    Mr Ibu: I no use your okada sow seed again o, Director!

    Director: (heaves a sigh of relief) Bring it back.

    Mr Ibu: Armed robbers don collect am.

    Frank: (shouts into the walkie-talkie) Hello! Director!

    Director: WHAT?!

    Frank: Someone should come and pick me for here o. I say soldier has collected my keke!

    Odunlade: Dire? You know that your flying camera?

    Director: My drone?

    The Director rushes to his laptop.

    Odunlade: LASTMA people have used stone to bring it down. 

    Director:

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    , , ,
  • If Batman Were An Igbo Man

    There’s a reason the west has superheroes and we have ‘agberos’ — it’s because we don’t send anybody in this country. But let’s assume, for a hot minute, that we did have superheroes, how long do you think they’d survive?

    Today, I chose to reimagine Batman as an Igbo man named Buchi. And because Batman is incomplete without the Joker, I have reimagined the Joker and Harlequin as Joseph and Haleemah.

    Private Island

    Buchi is on an empty beach, laying in a hammock tied to two palm trees. The slight breeze blows the current. The waves lazily wash on shore and the breeze lightly blows the palm trees.

    Buchi has dark sunglasses on, his hat is tipped over his face and in his hand is an empty wine glass. A small distance away is a male assistant holding a tray with a bottle of champagne.

    Buchi raises his wine glass and his assistant rushes to fill it up.

    Face-Me-I-Face-You

    The Joker, Joseph and his girlfriend, Haleemah are in their one-room apartment. The room looks poor and disheveled. 

    Haleemah rubs some dusting powder on his face and moves next to his eye-area.

    Joseph grabs her hand and looks at her.

    Haleemah: What?

    Joseph: You want to blind me?

    Haleemah hisses and starts to rub the dusting powder around her inner thigh. Joseph stares at her for a few seconds as she rubs.

    Joseph: Why are you rubbing the powder there?

    Haleemah: (still rubbing) I have craw-craw.

    Joseph looks from her crotch to his, to the bed and back to Haleemah’s crotch.

    Joseph: Didn’t we just do?

    Haleemah: (still rubbing) Eh.

    Joseph: Haleemah? Did you give me craw-craw?

    Haleemah: (passes the dusting powder and scratches her crotch) Will you rub?

    Joseph: Haleemah, why are you scratching that place?!

    From outside the room, Mama Victor starts to scream.

    Mama Victor: Na who be the idiot wey carry my pikin dusting powder?

    Joseph jumps up from the bed and starts to close the window. Mama Victor pounds on Joseph’s window.

    Haleemah: (scratches) You carried her powder?

    Joseph looks at her in disgust and snatches the powder.

    Police Station

    Two policemen, Haruna and Chidi, are standing at the counter when their boss, Lieutenant Dapo, walks out of his office.

    Chidi and Haruna: Shun Sah!

    He glances at them briefly.

    Lt. Dapo: I’m going out with the black maria.

    He starts to walk out before he notices something and turns around.

    Lt. Dapo: Chidi, why are you wearing a suit? Where is your uniform?

    Chidi starts to stammer and scratch his head.

    Lt. Dapo: Change, right now!

    Lt. Dapo walks out of the station. A few seconds later, he storms back in.

    Lt. Dapo: Who put “Happy Married Life” banner on the black maria?!

    Chidi: Oga, na wetin I wan explain be dat. Today na my wedding.

    Haruna nods.

    Lt. Dapo: (infuriated) And the government’s black maria is your wedding car?

    Just then, someone drives the black maria out of the compound. Lt. Dapo rushes to see who it is but the black maria has left the compound.

    Chidi: Dem go pick my wife.

    Lt. Dapo: Are you mad?! Get in the police car, we are going after them.

    Haruna: Oga, no petrol for that one and tire don less. Except we wan enter keke chase them.

    Lt. Dapo: (barks) Well, call Batman! Let him trace them. Use the projector!

    Haruna: I use the projector do tithe for my church.

    Lt. Dapo:

    Private Island

    Buchi’s assistant ends a call and moves to talk to Buchi.

    Assistant: Sir, the government’s black maria has been stolen and they need you to retrieve it.

    Buchi: Tell them they are insane. 

    The Batsymbol appears in the sky.

    Buchi: And use canopy to block that thing.

    Police Station

    Haruna drops a call and faces Lt. Dapo and Chidi.

    Haruna: They said I should tell you that your head is not correct.

    Lt. Dapo: WHAT?!

    Joseph walks into the station with a ghana-must-go and his face painted like a clown.

    Chidi: Heis Heis! It is the second house that they are doing birthday party.

    Joseph: Hope you people are not mad? Don’t you know I’m the Joker?

    Haruna: And we said the next house is where they called you!

    Joseph puts his bag down and removes a gun. The two men immediately go on their knees.

    Lt. Dapo: Haruna, hand me my gun!

    Haruna: I forget it for black maria.

    Chidi: (whispers) Oga, e be like say you go kneel down too o.

    Private Island

    Assistant: Sir, I have intel that the Joker is at the police station and he is asking of you. There is also a robbery at Obalende.

    Buchi sighs and gets up.

    Buchi: Get me my suit.

    Mainland

    Buchi is driving through the mainland when he sees Kola, the Nigerian Superman, just outside Computer Village dancing with a Tecno Phone. He is also carrying sachets of milo.

    Buchi reverses.

    Buchi: Kola!

    Kola runs up to the car with the phone.

    Kola: (bends) Ah Buchi! How far?

    Buchi: Why are you selling phone and milo here?

    Kola: I’m looking for money that I will use to process Canadian Visa.

    Buchi:

    Restaurant

    Buchi and Kola are sitting in a restaurant where Kola is hungrily devouring his food.

    Kola:

    Buchi: You’re really suffering o.

    Kola: It’s not small.

    Buchi: I need you for two things. Go to Obalende, there are people terrorising the place.

    Kola: Why are you not going?

    Buchi: I have a plane to catch.

    Kola: What’s the second thing?

    Buchi: You will help me clean my toilet. My cleaner is on leave.

    Kola:

    Kola: As your househelp?

    Buchi: I’ll pay you.

    Kola: (swallows eba) Is it everything you want me to clean?

    Buchi walks outside the restaurant to where his car is parked. He looks at the car and bends to look at it again.

    Kola: What?

    Buchi: (screams) Who carried my bumper and exhaust pipe in this market?!

    The Street

    Buchi is driving down the street with his bumper-less car and a makeshift exhaust pipe. He comes across a beautiful lady, Lola, standing by the street.

    He parks next to her.

    Buchi: Hey?

    Lola ignores him.

    Buchi: Hey, I am talking to you.

    Lola: Can I help you?

    Buchi: It is me that can help you.

    Lola: Help your car first.

    Buchi: Don’t look at the bumper. They stole it from me. Look, I am Batman.

    Lola’s eyes light up.

    Lola: The same Batman?

    Buchi: (nods) Absolutely. Can I take you out somewhere?

    Lola: (excited) yes!

    Batmobile

    Buchi and Lola are in the car when Kola calls. Buchi puts the phone on speaker.

    Kola: Wo, Buchi, these men at Obalende pass my own power o. I can’t do what you asked me to do. (chews) Come and pick me at Shagamu. I can’t fly from this place to my house. I can die on the way. (chews some more)

    Buchi: What are you eating? And what are you doing at Shagamu?

    Kola: (chews) Corn. You know I can run fast?

    Buchi: Yes, and?

    Kola: I did uber-trek for people.

    Lola: Can I turn up the A/C?

    Buchi: Of course. Anything to make you feel comfortable.

    Kola: Lola? Lola? Is that your voice I am hearing?

    Lola: And so?

    Kola: Lola, what are you doing with Buchi??? Lola! Didn’t I give you ring yesterday?

    Lola: That stupid heavy cultist ring?

    Kola: I told you to manage it like that now. Lola, come down and meet me at Shagamu.

    Lola hisses.

    Buchi: (To Lola) Would you want to come to my private island?

    Kola: LOLA SAY NO IN JESUS NAME

    Lola: Yes, babe.

    Buchi: (to Kola) Buy a bikini for Lola, I’ll wire you the money.

    Kola: I should go and buy pant and bra?

    Buchi: Bring it to my private helipad, if you can.

    Kola: Lola! Lola! Come down from that car! Come down!

    Buchi ends the call

    Police Station

    Haruna, Chidi and Lt. Dapo are still on the call. Joseph passes them a phone.

    Joseph: Call Batman again.

    Haruna takes the phone and dials Batman’s number. His assistant picks up.

    Assistant: Hello?

    Haruna: Wey Batman dey abeg? Dem wan kill us.

    Assistant: I can’t give y…

    Chidi: (screams) God wan punish you?! I say where him dey?

    Assistant: On his way to Mexico.

    A woman walks into the police station.

    Woman: No be you we dey wait since morning, Joseph?

    Joseph winks at the woman.

    Woman: Wetin do your eye? We pay make you come sing for us, you dey carry toy gun do nonsense for here.

    Lt. Dapo: And I’ve been kneeling down since morning?

    Helipad

    Buchi is on his helipad with Lola. As they walk towards a private plane, they see Joseph sitting by the side.

    Joseph jumps up as soon as he sees them.

    Buchi: What do you want again? Didn’t I block your number?

    Joseph: That’s why I find you come here. Please, I don’t know maybe we can join you people.

    Buchi: We?

    Joseph: Haleemah!!

    Joseph’s mum, dad, five siblings and Haleemah come out with several Ghana-Must-Go bags.

    Joseph: We are plenty that we want to go. 

    Buchi: 

    Buchi: All of you are not okay mentally.

    Buchi starts to walk away but they troop after him. The pilot runs up and stops them from entering the plane.

    Buchi and Haleemah walk into the plane. When they are settled, the pilot whispers something into Buchi’s ear.

    Buchi comes down from the plane.

    Joseph: He has changed his mind, oya enter.

    They all rush for the plane.

    Buchi: If you don’t go back, if I slap you.

    Buchi walks to the engine.

    Buchi: Come out of the engine.

    No answer.

    Buchi: I say come out of the engine, are you mad?

    Kola crawls out of the engine with his bag. Buchi walks back into the plane.

    Kola: Lola! Lola! Lola, follow your husband home!

    The door shuts and the private plane takes off.

    Joseph: Are you not Superman?

    Kola: Ehn.

    Joseph: You fit carry us go Texas?

    Kola: 

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If Nigerians Were On The Titanic

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    You’ll find Nigerians everywhere. Literally. However, the one place you won’t find them is on a ship they just finished building. Except that ship is leaving Nigeria for the United States — like The Titanic.

    So how would Titanic, the movie, have turned out if Nigerians were on the ship? On this episode of #JustImagine, we reimagine Jack and Rose as Jaja and Ronke.

    This hot morning, the Lagos Island port is swarming with people struggling with their luggage and shouting on top of one another. 

    Docked at the harbour is a large ship with the words ‘THE TITANIC’ written boldly on it. A conductor is standing at the entrance of the ship.

    Conductor: All aboard the titanic!

    An old woman, Iya Agba, and her grandson, Tunji, walk to the entrance of the ship.

    Iya Agba: Oya, Tunji, put all the load inside the ship.

    Tunji:

    Conductor: Heis! Stop there. Is it human being that is inside your bag?

    Iya Agba: (ignores him) Tunji, put the load inside jare.

    Conductor: Don’t make me slap you. 

    Iya Agba: 

    At that moment, a middle-aged woman and her beautiful young daughter, Ronke, walk up to the ship. They are accompanied by a rotund man, Chief Agbabiaka.

    Conductor: Ha! Welcome Chief! Please, come in.

    Ronke and her mother walk in while Chief Agbaika presses a note into the conductor’s hand.

    Conductor: (grins and salutes)Thank you, sah!

    Iya Agba: Won’t you let us enter?

    Conductor: Do you want to sink the ship with your stupid load?

    Iya Agba: Is not the ship that I am entering that will sink in Jesus name!

    Iya Agba and Tunji start to rearrange their luggage. They remove foodstuff like yam, garri, egusi, crayfish and a grinding stone.

    Conductor: (grimaces) See all this nonsense. Sha enter!

    Iya Agba and Tunji enter the ship, the conductor shuts the door and The Titanic sets sail for the United States of America.

    The ship is sailing and people are walking around with their luggage, trying to settle.

    A young man, Jaja, is trying to force his way into a compartment when an attendant runs up to him.

    Attendant: What are you doing there?

    Jaja: I want to take bedsheet from this room. There’s no bedsheet in my own room.

    Attendant: That’s because you’re in 3rd class. Use wrapper!

    Jaja tries to force his way in but the attendant prevents him. They get into a scuffle.

    Ronke and her mother are passing by. Ronke’s mum turns her nose up at the fight and continues to walk. Ronke briefly notices the exchange before she walks away.

    Chief Agbabiaka and Ronke are seated in the dining area of the ship. He touches her hair, but she leans away from him.

    Chief Agbabiaka: Ronke! Are you not happy that I am taking you and your mother to America?

    Jaja enters the dining hall but goes unnoticed. Chief Agbabiaka continues to touch Ronke but she responds coldly.

    Chief Agbabiaka: Look at what I bought for you.

    He pulls out an expensive necklace, but Ronke is unimpressed.

    Chief Agbabiaka: Ronke! Stop behaving like a child, you know what I want.

    Chief Agbabiaka grabs her and tries to kiss her. As Ronke fights back, Jaja comes and breaks a ceramic plate on his head. Chief Agbabiaka passes out.

    Ronke’s eyes widen as she looks from Jaja to Chief Agbabiaka.

    Ronke: Ha! Did you kill him?

    Jaja: E be like that o.

    Ronke: He has not put me inside his will yet o! Wake him back.

    Chief Agbabiaka starts to stir. Jaja sees this and runs out of the room.

    Ronke:

    The next day, Jack is standing on the deck and looking out to sea. Ronke walks up behind him.

    Ronke: Thanks for helping me yesterday.

    Jaja: It’s ok. I dey break people head on a steady.

    Ronke: (laughs) So, what are you doing here?

    Jaja: There’s this thing I like to do. Do you want to try?

    Ronke: What?

    Jaja: Close your eyes.

    Ronke closes her eyes and Jaja nudges her towards the rails.

    Jaja: Now, climb up.

    Ronke opens her eyes and looks around.

    Ronke: Climb to where?

    Jaja: As in, climb on this railing.

    Ronke: So I can fall inside water?

    Jaja: You won’t fall. I will hold you and then you will now stretch your hand out. It will be like you’re flying.

    Ronke: Did I tell you I’m a witch?

    Jaja: It’s not like that. Just do it.

    Ronke: Wo, I came to say thank you. I don’t know why you’re asking me to climb somewhere and fall inside water.

    Ronke walks away and Jaja calls after her.

    In the wheelhouse, the captain is busy steering the ship. A man is standing beside the captain and giving him instructions.

    Man: Be cutting your hand! This is not how to drive this thing.

    The captain ignores him and continues.

    Man: Cut it to the left!

    The captain leaves the wheel and turns around in anger.

    Captain: Is this your ship?! Are you well? Why have you been shouting since morning? Do you know the way?

    The ship suddenly starts to shake vigorously. The captain turns to the wheel and starts to use it to steady the ship. The ship continues to shake.

    Man: I talk am! Cut your hand, you dey do nonsense!

    The Captain runs out of the wheelhouse and to the deck.

    Out on the deck, a crowd is gathered. The captain of the ship is trying to maintain order. Jaja, Ronke, Ronke’s mother and Chief Agbabiaka are a part of the crowd.

    Captain: Everybody! calm down!

    They all continue to scream. The captain fires a gun into the air and there is instant silence.

    Captain: Is everybody mad? I say calm down!

    Everyone: …

    Captain: Our propeller has removed and this ship is going to sink.

    Everyone goes into a frenzy. He shoots the gun again and there’s silence. The conductor whispers something in the captain’s ear.

    Captain: Oh, the conductor just told me the propeller didn’t remove, sorry.

    Everyone heaves a sigh of relief.

    Captain: We didn’t have propeller from the beginning. I don’t know what you people will do because there is only one lifejacket, and it’s my own.

    The ship starts to shake and Iya Agba starts to pray, loudly. 

    Chief Agbabiaka: Somebody should find me a boat! Do you know who I am?! I am Chief Jonah Agbabiaka, nephew of the Prince of Isale Eko! Find me a boat!

    Ronke’s Mum: Take me too oh!

    Iya Agba stops praying.

    Iya Agba: You say your name is what?

    Chief Agbabiaka: Agbabiaka Jonah.

    Iya Agba: Is him. Is him we will throw him inside the water!

    Iya Agba tries to throw Chief Agbabiaka overboard. Ronke’s mother hides. Chief Agbabiaka and Iya Agba continue to struggle, but no one pays them any mind.

    A small distance away, a man in a traditional babalawo outfit is standing next to a young boy. He is doing a traditional dance as the boy watches.

    Baba: (jumps and screams incantations) Opapaparada! 

    Boy: …

    Baba: ….

    Boy: Me, I can still see you oh.

    Baba: I didn’t disappear? You can see me?

    Boy: Live and direct.

    Man: Mo daran! (I’m dead).

    An Alfa and his students are in a circle. The Alfa is passing a bottle of water around. The students each take a sip from the water.

    Alfa: I have prayed on this water. As we are drinking it, we are going to heaven.

    Jaja enters into their midst and tries to collect the bottle from the Alfa, but he doesn’t give it to him.

    Alfa: The water is not enough for us!

    Jaja wrestles the bottle out of his hands and takes a sip.

    Jaja: Alfa?

    Alfa: (annoyed) What?

    Jaja: Why are you people drinking Ogogoro here?

    In the darkness, a bright light suddenly comes on. A man falls on his knees and stretches his hands out.

    Man: Rapture is here! Take me Lord!

    Jaja: It’s torchlight I on o.

    Man: (annoyed) Are you mad? Why are you pointing torch light at me? 

    Jaja: You too, why are you waiting for rapture?

    The man hisses. A brighter light comes on and the man raises his hand again.

    Jaja: I on another torch light.

    Man: Take your time!

    The ship starts to go down as everyone continues to scream. Jaja and Ronke hold each other as the ship sucks them into the water.

    They swim for a board floating on the water. Ronke climbs it and Jaja tries to climb but she pushes him off with her leg.

    Jaja: Ronke?

    Ronke: Jaja.

    Jaja tries to climb again but she shoves him with her leg.

    Jaja: Are you mad? Let me climb up now.

    Ronke: It cannot contain us.

    Jaja: See space there.

    Ronke stretches her leg over the space.

    Ronke: Shebi you can fly?

    Jaja tries to climb again but Ronke hits his head.

    Ronke: Is there something wrong with you? I SAY NO SPACE!

    Jaja:

    Ronke and Jaja argue until a bright light comes on.

    Man in the water: (screams) The rapture is here!

    Jaja: If you don’t shut up your mouth now!

    Another ship comes into view and a man’s figure can be seen on the ship.

    Captain in the water: US Immigration has come to pack us oh!

    The man on the new ship raises a megaphone to his mouth and speaks.

    Man: Hope you people know you’re in Badagry?

    Alfa: (in the water) We have not reach New York?

    Man: As we are fishing you out of this water, be taking number. All of you are going to prison.

    Alfa:

    Man: This ship you’re on was stolen from Lagos.

    Captain starts to swim in the opposite direction.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If Superman Were A 30+ Yoruba Man

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Listen! With everything going on in this country, it is obvious we need extraterrestrial help and our witches are clearly on strike — who can blame them?

    So that’s why on this week’s episode of Just Imagine, I turn Superman (Clark Kent) into a 30+ Nigerian man named Kola.

    It is just past 9 p.m. in the Agege area of Lagos.

    Kola, a 35-year-old Nigerian man, is asleep on the couch in front of a television set. The newscaster on the TV talks about the war in Afghanistan as Kola snores.

    Newscaster: … And just last week, another mine exploded.

    Voice: (from outside) Help! Help!

    Kola: (snores)

    Voice: (from outside) Superman! Help oh!

    Kola continues to snore. The phone in his right hand starts to ring and wakes him. Kola picks the call.

    Kola: Hello?

    Caller: Superman, we need you! At Ajah!

    Kola: (frowns) You know this is what I don’t like. I am just coming from that Ajah side. Why didn’t you call me that time? Now, traffic is everywhere.

    Caller: Don’t you fly?

    Kola: (looks at the phone in anger) So, I should be flying up and down because I don’t have work?

    Caller: Isn’t this your job?

    Kola: You called me to do interview?

    Caller: Please, just come.

    Kola: (Rolls eyes) Do you have money for Toll Gate?

    Caller: We will still pay?

    Kola: Should I come abi I should not come?

    Caller: Be coming.

    Kola drops the call and stands. He walks into his room and pulls a box from under his bed. He opens the box, but it is empty.

    Mrs Ajayi, Kola’s mother, walks into his room with a bag and sits on his bed.

    Mrs Ajayi: (heaves) Thank you, Jesus.

    Kola: Mumsy, where is my cloth?

    Mrs Ajayi: That your red cloth? I’ve burnt it. No child of God wears red.

    Kola:

    Mrs Ajayi removes a white agbada from the bag she brought in.

    Mrs Ajayi: This is what you will be wearing to be doing this work now. 

    Kola: I should be using agbada to be rescuing people?

    Mrs Ajayi nods and pulls out a shiny green ‘The Lord’s Chosen’ vest from the bag.

    Mrs Ajayi: Pastor said you should be wearing this one too. To spread the ministry as you’re flying.

    Kola: I should be doing billboard for pastor? I’m not helping you to wear that one oh.

    Mrs Ajayi: When you have money to rent your own house, you can be wearing what you want.

    Voice: Help!!!

    Kola: (to the air) Wo, you people should be calming down o!

    Kola wears the agbada and starts to leave.

    Mrs Ajayi: (removes Goya Oil from her bag) Come and kneel down here for me. Let me use the blood of Jesus to cover you.

    Kola grumbles as he kneels while his mother prays.

    Mrs Ajayi: …Thank you, Father Lord!

    Mrs Ajayi finishes and Kola makes for the door.

    Mrs Ajayi: Kola, wait o! Grind this beans when you are coming!

    Kola:

    Kola grudgingly takes the plastic container and walks out of the house. He runs for two seconds to gain momentum before he launches into the air. He is airborne for 23 seconds before he jumps down.

    Kola: Omo. 

    Kola: (annoyed)  Okada! Heis! Come! Ajah.

    The okadaman stops and Kola gets on it.

    Okada man: Your money na N8K o

    Kola: E be like say you dey crase. Na N2K.

    It starts to rain and the okada finally stops in front of a small bungalow. Kola jumps off the okada.

    A young woman, Chika, is sitting by a window that is slightly open while peeling egusi.

    Woman: (shouts nonchalantly) Superman o! Help o!

    Kola walks to the window, holds the iron burglary and peeps.

    Kola: Are you the one that has been shouting my name?

    Chika: (startled) Don’t be looking inside someone’s house like that now.

    Kola: Are you ok? Are you not the one that called me?

    Chika: Since morning, you’re just coming?

    Kola: (hisses) Who needs my help?

    Chika: Our transformer just blow now now.

    Kola: So, who did it shock?

    Chika: Nobody. We want you to repair it.

    Kola: I should be touching transformer inside rain? So I can shock?

    Chika: Sanwo Olu said we should call you. It’s not like you can die.

    Kola stares at her. She stares back at him. They stare at each other for two minutes until Kola breaks the silence.

    Kola: Give me 2K to pay this okada man.

    Okada man: Your money na 5k o

    Kola: (to Chika) Give me 5k there.

    Chika hisses and closes her window. Kola knocks at the window.

    Kola: Sister!… Do you use to grind beans here?

    Kola’s phone rings. He picks up.

    Kola: Hello!

    Caller: We need your help, Superman!

    Kola: Which side?

    Caller: That Ikorodu area.

    Kola: Is it after that Majidun?

    Caller: Yes.

    Kola: That place they use to hawk kryptonite?

    Caller: Only when traffic is plenty.

    Kola hisses and drops the call.

    Okadaman: Oga! Your money na 5K

    Kola: Carry me to where I will grind beans first.

    Kola tries to sit on the bike but he zooms off and leaves Kola standing there holding the bucket of beans. Kola moves back and starts running to launch into the air, but he falls.

    Kola: Omo x 2,000.

    Kola resigns to his fate and starts walking away when his phone starts ringing again. He picks up.

    Kola: Hello! I say I am not coming to Ikorodu!

    A woman with a soft, sultry voice speaks.

    Woman: Hey, so we need your help at Lekki. We hope you’re not busy?

    Kola: Busy? Me? No. Are you in danger?

    Woman: Sort of… Well, see we…

    Kola: I am coming now now!

    Kola launches into the air and flies to Lekki. By the time he reaches there, he is spent and exhausted.

    The woman and four other women, all dressed up, walk towards him.

    Woman: Hey, you made it.

    Kola: (pants) Yes o. What is the problem?

    Woman: Can you Uber us to Ikoyi?

    Kola: (stares in confusion) You called me here… So I can…

    Woman 2: Well, the traffic is crazy so we were thinking you could carry us to our destination.

    Kola: Is like you people are mad.

    An old woman pushes past the ladies and walks up to Kola.

    Old Woman: Is it not you they are calling Superman?

    Kola: Yes, mama.

    Old Woman: Come and help me carry tomato.

    Kola: (infuriated) Because I am alabaru?

    It is afternoon and Kola is laying on his bed. The TV is on and a newscaster is reading the news.

    His girlfriend, Lola, is laying next to him. She starts to touch his chest.

    Kola: Lola, I don’t have any energy for all this one o.

    Lola: (sits up in anger) But you can fly up and down?

    Newscaster: Babajide Sanwo Olu has said there will now be a tax for people who want to be flying in Lagos.

    Kola sits up.

    Newscaster: And Lai Mohammed has said Superman will be going to face the bandits this week. 

    Kola starts sweating.

    Lola: Baby, are you fine?

    Newscaster: The bandits, who are armed with AK-47, sniper rifles and tanks, are no match for Nigeria’s Superman, Lai Mohammed says.

    Kola jumps up out of bed and starts packing some clothes into a small bag.

    Lola: Baby! Are you travelling?! Baby!

    Kola ignores her and continues. Lola’s phone pings as a message comes in.

    Lola: Babe, it’s your mum.

    Kola: (whirls around) What’s wrong?!

    Lola: She said you should come and carry her car from traffic.

    Kola:

    Kola’s phone starts to ring. Kola picks it.

    Kola: Hello!

    Caller: There is a robbery going on!

    Kola: I am travelling oh!

    Caller: Please! Help us!

    Kola: (sighs) I am coming.

    Kola rushes out of the house.

    At Diamond Bank, there are hostages on the floor and six armed robbers are ordering the cashiers to fill their bags with money. Kola bursts into the bank.

    Kola: Everybody! Follow me out.

    Robber: Na you dem dey call Superman?

    Kola glares at him.

    Hostage: I knew he would come!

    Robber: Me sef don know say you go come.

    The robber cocks his gun and Kola scoffs.

    Hostage: Superman can chest the bullet. All your bullets!

    Kola: (to the hostage) It’s true, but don’t be shouting too much.

    Robber: This one no be ordinary bullet. Na Babalawo do am.

    Kola: Ehn?

    Robber: (nods) He say once he touch you like this, na heaven you go wake.

    Hostage: It’s a lie! Superman can chest it! Spray him!

    Kola: (to the hostage) Your own is starting to get too much o.

    Robber: Make we test am for your body?

    Kola looks around at the hostages. They look at him, pleadingly.

    Robber: Make we test am?

    Kola: (to the hostages) Aunty, dress for me to sit down, please.

    Kola joins the hostages on the floor. They frown and move away from him.

    There is a long queue outside of a building. Kola is on the queue with other people. His phone starts to ring. Kola picks it up.

    Caller: Hello! There was an accident on the Ilorin express!

    Kola: Is anybody injured?! Which side?

    Caller: Not like that.

    Kola: Ehn?

    Caller: Our tyre removed and fell inside bush.

    Kola: So nobody is injured?

    Caller: Ehn. 

    Kola: So, I should be coming to Ilorin for what?

    Caller: Won’t you carry us? We have naming ceremony, and we don’t have anybody to take us.

    Kola switches off his phone. He reaches the front of the line.

    Officer: What can I do for you today, sir?

    Kola: I want to collect Canada visa, please. I’ll even manage that place they are fighting war.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If the Bridgertons Were Nigerian: A Play

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    Bridgerton, Netflix’s most-watched series, captured our hearts for many reasons. From the set to the story, costumes and actors — especially that Duke that wanted to separate us from our Lion of Judah chastity belt. 

    Anyway, while we loved Bridgerton, we decided to make it even better and imagine them as Nigerians. In our version of the story, Daphne and Simon have been renamed Dunni and Siju Owonikoko.

    AT THE LOCAL TAILOR’S SHOP

    Dunni is at the village tailor’s shop examining her dress for tonight’s party.

    Dunni: (picks up the dress) Wetin be dis?

    Tailor: Aunty, na your cloth be that oh.

    Dunni: (scowls) Why e get three hands?

    Tailor: Na your head go enter that place.

    Dunni:

    Dunni: (turns the dress around) Why the hand no equal?

    Tailor: Na ironing go do that part. Wear am first.

    Dunni steps into the dress.

    Tailor: (smiles) Ehen! See as e stand for your body!

    Dunni: E stand?

    Tailor: (admires Dunni) Ehn!

    Dunni: Why the shoulder pad con dey reach my ear?

    Tailor: Na the style wey I see for magazine be that oh.

    Dunni: I no dey give you any money until you do am well.

    Tailor: You don pay me the one wey you owe me for last month? Abeg, off cloth for me.

    A man bursts into the tailor’s shop and quickly locks the door. He bumps into Dunni in the process.

    Dunni: Are you mad?!

    Tailor: Uncle, wetin happen?

    Man: (smooths his agbada) No vex. One person was chasing me.

    Tailor: Na my shop you go come dey enter anyhow?

    Dunni: (eyes him and turns to the tailor) You go do this cloth again o.

    Man: (laughs) Hope this is not what you want to wear to Olori’s party tonight. Because walahi, you cannot see husband.

    Dunni: Who put your mouth in this matter?

    Tailor: I no go do anything until you pay my money.

    Man: How much?

    Tailor: N27,500.

    Dunni: Kuku carry gun now. (to the man) I am owing her N12,000, but I am not paying because she spoiled  my dress.

    Tailor: Abi you no get money?

    Man: (looks outside)

    Dunni: Are you owing people money? Why are you looking left and right?

    Man: Look, I’ll pay for your dress if you will pretend to be my girlfriend at the party.

    Dunni: (looks suspiciously) Are you looking for who to kidnap?

    Man: Do I look like I want to kidnap you?

    Dunni: They usually write it for face?

    Man: See, if I pay for your cloth, you don’t have to wear that nonsense to the party and the women in this village will stop chasing me.

    Dunni: What’s your name?

    Man: Siju, Son of Chief Owonikoko. (adjusts agbada).

    Dunni: Who be dat?

    Siju: Chief Owonikoko, the village chief.

    Dunni: The one that they caught masturbating with cocoa?

    Siju: That was 12 years ago, and that is my uncle. My father is Chief Owonikoko, the one with Ilaje tribal marks.

    Dunni: Ohhhh Oh! I know him!

    Siju: (smiles)

    Dunni: The one that did ritual and turned to goat for 2 years.

    Siju: (frowns) Do you agree to the deal or you don’t agree?

    Dunni stretches her hand to shake his hand but her fabric rips. She turns to the tailor.

    Dunni: You know your head is not correct for this cloth that you sew?

    NIGHT OF THE PARTY

    Dunni steps out of her house wearing a traditional iro and buba. At that moment, the women of the Faworaja household, led by Mr Faworaja, walk towards her.

    Dunni starts to walk faster towards her okada.

    Mr. Faworaja: Dunni!

    Dunni: (walks faster).

    Mr. Faworaja: Dunni oh!

    They reach Dunni before she reaches her okada.

    Dunni: What happen again?

    Mr. Faworaja: Help me carry my wife and daughters to the party, abeg.

    Dunni: On this okada? where will all of them sit?

    Mrs. Faworaja: We can lap.

    Dunni: On top where? What happened to your car?

    Mr. Faworaja: It is at the mechanic’s place.

    Dunni: Abi you used it to play two odd?

    Mr. Faworaja: Is forex!

    Dunni: (sighs) Everybody can enter.

    The Faworajas manage to squeeze on top of the okada and they start to move, but it breaks down two seconds later.

    Everyone: …

    Dunni: …

    Mrs. Faworaja: You don’t have petrol?

    Dunni: Please get down from this thing. Everybody get out!

    AT THE PARTY

    The Olori is sitting and watching everybody dance and socialise. Dunni is a small distance away, admiring a small decorative pot when Siju comes to stand next to her.

    Siju: They say they made it like 500 years ago.

    Dunni: So that means it will be very expensive.

    Siju: Only the Olori can touch it. Do you want to dance?

    Dunni nods and they go off dancing.

    Dunni: I need to go to the bathroom.

    Dunni comes back.

    Dunni: I want to be going.

    Olori: Who carried my pot here?

    Silence.

    Olori: Who is the unfortunate person that carried my pot from here?

    Dunni: Bye Bye.

    Siju: Ahnahn now now? See, let’s help her look for it and sneak into the palace grounds.

    Dunni: I have fellowship this night.

    Olori: The person that carried that pot will bark until they die.

    Dunni: Ehn?

    Siju: Come on, let’s go.

    Siju gently pulls her and the pot falls from under her wrapper and breaks.

    Siju: Where did you put it?

    Dunni: (smiles awkwardly) Will I still bark?

    DUNNI’S HOUSE

    Dunni is sitting on the couch, looking downcast. Mrs. Faworaja is standing next to Dunni’s mother and Eniola, Dunni’s sister, who is pouring her some water.

    Mrs. Faworaja: I read on Laide Wobi’s blog that they chased you away from the palace. Is it true?

    Dunni: Haven’t they chased you people too?

    Mrs. Faworaja admires the house and touches the colourful curtain.

    Dunni: Mummy Wa. Leave the curtain, don’t use it to sew cloth.

    Mrs. Faworaja drops the curtain. A scuffle is heard outside. Mrs. Feathrington looks outside the window and her eyes widen.

    Eniola: EFCC has finally come to pick your husband.

    Everyone rushes out to see what is going on except Dunni. Siju enters the house.

    Siju: How are you feeling?

    Dunni shrugs.

    He sits next to her and touches her hand. They look into each other’s eyes and start to kiss. Ajaka, Dunni’s brother, walks in on them kissing.

    Ajaka forcefully separates them and punches Siju.

    Ajaka: You dey crase?!

    Siju: No vex, abeg.

    Ajaka: You must marry her or we will fight!

    Siju looks at Dunni. Dunni looks back at him.

    Siju: Well??? Say something!

    Dunni: Well, do you have gun?

    THE DAY OF THE DUEL

    Ajaka and Siju are both pointing guns at each other. Dunni rides an okada into the venue.

    Siju: (heaves a sigh of relief) Thank God you came. I don almost die.

    Dunni: (offloads speakers from her okada).

    Siju: What is that?

    Dunni: (presses play)

    Speaker: Ta lo so pe ko po ke?

    Ajaka: So you want us to fight?

    Dunni: (nods and chews groundnut) I want to see who will first die.

    Siju: I will marry.

    WEDDING DAY

    Siju and Dunni are standing before an alfa. The alfa is reading the vows.

    Alfa: Dunni, are you sure you want to marry this man?

    Dunni nods.

    Alfa: I now pronounce you husband and wife!

    The congregation cheers. A collective notification ping is heard and everyone checks their phone. They gasp. Siju checks his phone too.

    Siju: (screams) WHAT?

    Dunni: What happened?

    Siju: Laide Wobi said you’re owing people up to ₦44 Million?

    Dunni: Let me check.

    Siju shows her the post.

    Dunni: Is true.

    Siju: What? Why?

    Dunni: I booked Wizkid for concert.

    Siju: And?

    Dunni: It was not Wizkid that came. It was one guy that use Wizkid as profile picture

    Siju:

    Dunni: And it is 49 Million. I used 5 million to bet.

    Siju: Bet on what?

    Dunni: Bet that my brother will shoot your leg at that fight.

    Siju: Alfa, I want a divorce.

    Alfa: We don’t do divorce here.

    Another notification comes into the phone and Dunni checks it.

    Dunni: What?!!

    Siju:

    Dunni: You’re impotent?

    Siju: It’s not that much.

    Dunni: Did they swear for you people?

    Siju: Why are you shouting?

    Dunni: Alfa, I want the divorce.

    Alfa: Then go to court. This is a place of peace.

    Dunni: Maybe, we should just be going home.

    Siju: Why? Let’s go to court now!

    Dunni: I used otapiapia to mix bleaching cream for court staff and they are looking for me.

    Alfa: Didn’t you sell cream to me yesterday???

    Siju: She sold cream for my mummy too.

    Alfa:

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    ,
  • If Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Were Nigerian: A Play

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    The minute a Nigerian man buys suya for you, puts you on his WhatsApp status or proclaims that he can do anything for you, he immediately thinks he is the most romantic man in the world.

    But where Nigerian men draw the line is dying for you. Nothing will make a Nigerian man put his life on the line for you.  

    So, on this episode of Just Imagine, I have chosen to tell the story of Sleeping Beauty, who was put to sleep by a witch — from the perspective of a Nigerian man. If her Prince was Nigerian, how would it have gone down?

    Endurance, a 30-year-old graduate, dressed in a worn-out suit, steps out of a building. He shields his face from the blazing sun with his ClearBag and turns to look at the security man about to lock the gate.

    Endurance: Oga.

    Security man: Wetin?

    Endurance: Like how much dem dey pay you for this place?

    Security man: Why you dey ask? You wan collect my work?

    Endurance: Na you wan do this work till you die?

    Security man: (pauses) Them no give you work again abi?

    Endurance: (squints at the sun) I fail the test.

    Security man: Since you don dey do this our test, no day wey you don pass.

    Endurance: (frowns)

    Security man: Na every 3 months I dey see you here. Na you get past question. Na you go still fail. How you take commot from the school wey you go? 

    Endurance: Heis Heis! E don do, oga. If to say I pass, you know say I for don sack you find another person?

    Security man: Abeg shift, make I lock gate!

    Endurance: Wait first.

    Security man: Wetin again?

    Endurance: (produces some supplements from his bag) Your wife don born? I dey sell drug wey go make am born like 5 at once.

    Security man: (eyes him)

    Endurance: If you buy like 6, I go give you one free.

    Security man: So my wife go con born like 35 pikin?

    Endurance: Ehn, if na dat wan you want, she fit born up to 40.

    The security man slams the gate in Endurance’s face. He jumps back and puts his drugs back into his bag.

    His phone rings and he picks up.

    Endurance: AY, how far?

    AY: Guy, you get the job?

    Endurance: (removes his tie) No oh.

    AY: This one no normal again oh. I’ve texted you an address. Go there. One prophet will see you.

    Endurance: (looks at the phone) Will you pay for my okada to this place? Because I can’t trek it.

    AY: If you like, don’t go.

    AY cuts the call.

    THE PROPHET’S HOUSE

    Endurance is sitting in a spiritual prophet’s living room. The prophet, all dressed in white, is staring into a bowl of water.

    Prophet: (stares into the bowl)

    Endurance: (looks expectantly)

    Prophet: (stares harder) Hmmnnnn. I see something.

    Endurance: Money? When?

    Prophet: It is suffering.

    Endurance: Which suffering? Check it well.

    Prophet: Do you want to teach me my work?

    Endurance: Sorry, sir. Is it like small small suffering? Like 2-3 months before I now blow?

    Prophet: No. Like 80 years of suffering.

    Endurance: (baffled) 80 years? I’m already 30 oh. Is it like I will minus 30 years from the 80 years?

    Prophet: No, you will still suffer for 80 years to join the 30 years.

    Endurance: So all the 30 years that I have suffer, it’s warm up I’ve been doing?

    Prophet: Ehn.

    Endurance: Is it now after the 80 years that I will blow?

    Prophet: Let me check.

    The prophet stares into the bowl for 2 seconds.

    Prophet: No, you will die.

    Endurance: When will I now enjoy and be making money moves?

    Prophet: You won’t enjoy.

    Endurance: Wait o. Wait first. How many years will I live for?

    Prophet: 110.

    Endurance: And I will suffer for the 110 years? When I am not God’s favourite messenger.

    Prophet: Hope you’re not mad?

    Endurance: No vex. Please help me check it again.

    Prophet checks the bowl and hums again. Endurance does the cross sign.

    Prophet: I see something.

    Endurance: (inches towards the edge of his seat) Lamborghini?

    Prophet: Hot suffering. The suffering will increase when you’re 100.

    Endurance: Wetin be dis?

    Prophet: What’s your name?

    Endurance: Endurance.

    Prophet: Your middle name nko?

    Endurance: Forbearance.

    Prophet: And you don’t think you will suffer for life?

    Endurance: Please, help me check. There must be something you can do.

    Prophet: There is one solution.

    Endurance: Anything! I will do anything!

    Prophet: There is a girl from a very wealthy family who has been cursed to sleep for the rest of her life. If she is kissed by the love of her life, she will wake up. The man who is able to do this will be blessed with riches and money.

    Endurance: Wait first. Who cursed her?

    Prophet: Her father’s side chick. The woman is a witch.

    Endurance: If I now kiss her and start sleeping until I die nko?

    Prophet: Is it not better to sleep until you die than to be doing job interview at 98 years old?

    Endurance: (deep in thought) That suffering that you said will increase at 100 years old. Why did it increase?

    Prophet: Trailer fell on your head in Ojuelegba.

    Endurance: Container? And I didn’t die? What was I doing there?

    Prophet: Selling yam.

    Endurance: Omo, I will suffer o.

    Prophet: Like mad.

    Endurance: (frowns) Na wa. Just give me the girl’s address, abeg. Let me be going.

    The Prophet writes it out for him. Endurance starts to leave. He comes back.

    Endurance: Is your wife looking for the fruit of the womb?

    Prophet: Is like you want me to increase your suffering.

    SLEEPING BEAUTY’S FAMILY HOUSE.

    Endurance is sitting in the living room with Sleeping Beauty’s parents. He is concentrating on the stewed turkey and rice before him.

    Mother: We can see you’re hungry.

    Endurance: (bites into the turkey lap) I have not eaten since morning.

    Father: We can take you to our daughter when you’re ready.

    Endurance: Let me just finish this rice.

    When Endurance is done with the turkey, they get in a car and travel for two hours. Eventually, they reach the entrance of a thick forest. 

    Endurance: Me, I am confused oh.

    Father: There is a bungalow behind the forest. That is where our daughter lies asleep.

    Endurance: Nobody told me that I will enter evil forest oh.

    Mother: It is not evil. You will soon reach there. Just endure. (smiles brightly)

    Endurance: Please, don’t let us fight.

    Father: (hands him a cutlass)

    Endurance: Am I a farmer?

    Father: You will need to clear your path.

    Endurance takes the cutlass and starts to walk into the forest. He looks scared.

    Endurance: (cuts grass) Is it not better for someone to suffer for 80 years than this kind of work? (he stops) Abi, should I go back? But they said container will fall on my head at 100. How does a 100-year-old survive that kind of thing if it is not that I am under spiritual attack?

    Endurance clears the bush and a bungalow comes into view. He enters it and sees Sleeping Beauty asleep.

    He sits by her bedside and contemplates. He sprinkles her with water, but she doesn’t wake. 

    Wetin pesin go do now?

    He opens his bag and brings out different drugs. He prepares a mixture and holds her nose shut before he tries to pour it down her throat.

    She gets up, startled. Endurance yelps.

    Sleeping Beauty: Are you mad?! Do you want to poison me?

    Endurance: You’re awake?

    Sleeping Beauty: What’s that concoction?!

    Endurance: It’s like GNLD, but I produced it. I’m in competition with them. Wait, why are you awake?

    Sleeping Beauty: I’m pretending.

    Endurance: All these years?

    Sleeping Beauty: Someone woke me up two months ago. I just didn’t want to marry him.

    Endurance: Why?

    Sleeping Beauty: His mouth odour is what woke me.

    Endurance: So different people have just been coming to kiss you?

    Sleeping Beauty: Normally, they are discouraged by the forest. And for the ones that come, I use this.

    Sleeping Beauty peels a transparent tape off her lips.

    Sleeping beauty: What were you about to feed me?

    Endurance: Thank God you didn’t take it oh. You’ll just be borning left and right.

    Sleeping Beauty: (lays back down and closes her eyes) Tell them you couldn’t wake me.

    Endurance: That’s the problem. They said they will give me money if I wake you. So, it is better for you to wear your shoe and follow me.

    Sleeping Beauty: How much are they giving you?

    Endurance: 5.8 Million.

    Sleeping Beauty: I’ll make it 10. Just leave me alone.

    Endurance: …

    Sleeping Beauty: …

    Endurance: …

    Sleeping Beauty: (opens her eyes) What?

    Endurance: Write the cheque now because I am owing a lot of people.

    Sleeping beauty sighs and cuts him a cheque. Endurance leaves her in the bungalow. 

    Endurance cashes the cheque at a bank and leaves with a huge Ghana-Must-Go. He stops a bike and leaves for home. On the bike, the bag is snatched from him by robbers.

    Endurance starts to wail on the street. He eventually makes his way to Sleeping Beauty’s bungalow.

    SLEEPING BEAUTY’S BUNGALOW

    Sleeping Beauty lays still. There is some noise coming from outside her window. She checks it and sees Endurance farming the land.

    Sleeping Beauty: What are you doing?

    Endurance: Farm work.

    Sleeping Beauty: Why?

    Endurance: After collecting the money you gave me, I applied for loan too.

    Sleeping Beauty: And?

    Endurance: Thieves have collected all the money.

    Sleeping Beauty: And?

    Endurance: I’ve decided to pay the loan back with yam. That’s why I want to start early. 

    Sleeping Beauty: When will you finish?

    Endurance: I still have like 80 years to live. And they kuku told me that I will be selling yam.

    Sleeping Beauty takes all her stuff and leaves the bungalow. She gets in her car.

    Endurance: So you have car? And you let me to be walking up and down?! Beauty! Beauty! Won’t you help me plant the first batch?!

    Beauty almost hits him as she zooms off.

    Endurance: Bring fertiliser back o! And I heard your daddy has tractor! Beauty!

    Beauty’s car disappears. Endurance dials a number.

    Prophet: Hello?

    Endurance: Hope you know your stupid prediction was wrong?

    Prophet: That’s why you called me?

    Endurance: No, I want to ask if you can borrow me yam seed.

    Prophet: You don crase before?

    Endurance: At least, help me check your bowl to see if it can tell me how to plant this yam because me I don’t know o.

    Prophet: You know your problem is becoming too much?

    Endurance: Abeg help me check.

    Prophet: Sha wait.

    Endurance stays on the line but soon, the weather starts to change. The clouds darken and the trees sway in the wind. Endurance looks around in fear.

    God safe us.

    Endurance: Prophet, something is happening o.

    Prophet: Endurance? E be like say I don make mistake o.

    Endurance: Ehn?

    Prophet: Are you the one that woke that girl with kiss?

    Endurance: No oh.

    Prophet: Ah, your own has finished.

    Endurance: Ehn?

    Prophet: It’s bushbaby that will kill you today.

    Endurance: I thought you said I had 110 years!

    Prophet: Sometimes, network acts up and I see rubbish… Your money is N7,500.

    Endurance: For what!?

    Prophet: Consultation. And it’s better you give me before you die.

    Endurance drops the call. The trees start to shake violently, and he runs out of the forest.

    Endurance: Beauty oooo! Who send me message like this? Beauty! And Access Bank called me to do test, I say no. Beauty oooooo!!

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    , ,
  • If Beauty And The Beast Were Nigerian: A Play

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    During Valentine’s weekend, while you people were getting fancy gifts and premium proposals, I was on my bed watching Beauty and the Beast.

    The more I watched, the angrier I got. Maybe because dispatch riders did not reach my side and these ones were playing love in my presence, or because I just knew Belle could not have fallen in love with a beast if she were Nigerian.

    So, as I did with Cinderella, I renamed her Bose and began to write. 

    BOSE’S HOUSE

    The sun sets over the rustic town of Ede in Osun State, and a rickety keke drives into an empty compound. A middle-aged man, Baba, turns off the engine and stretches his arms in exhaustion before walking towards a small bungalow. 

    Two young women, Ronke and Shade, rush out of the house to welcome their father. He embraces them.

    Baba and his daughters enter into the living room where Bose is sprawled out on the couch. She is staring at the ceiling, unmoving. Baba looks at her in disgust. 

    Baba: Can’t you greet?

    Bose: (slowly turns her head to him and blinks lazily) I just finished eating one mad amala. If I stand up like this, I can collapse.

    Baba pushes her body off the couch in annoyance and settles. Bose frowns and moves to another couch.

    Baba: I have not come home for four days, and you have mind to be eating amala!?

    Bose frowns and grumbles.

    Baba: Anyway, it is good that you’re all here because I want to talk to you. At the port, when they told me that all my containers had sunk, I started coming home. I had not gone far when someone kidnapped me. For three days, he didn’t let me go until I told him that my daughters would be missing me…

    Bose: Ah tor.

    Baba: Anyway, he released me and asked me to come back with one daughter… So that’s why I want to ask, because I know I have good children. Who will follow me there?

    Shade: (looks away) Ha.

    Ronke: That one will hard small oh.

    Bose gets up from the couch and wears her slippers. She starts to leave the living room.

    Baba: Heis! Where to?

    Bose: I want to check if amala is remaining.

    Baba: Are you mad?

    Bose: Baba, I repeated Primary 5 abi I didn’t repeat?

    Baba: (nods emphatically) You repeat.

    Bose: How many times did I write Common Entrance?

    Baba: If we are counting everything, it will be going to 4 times.

    Bose: Wonderful. Till now, have I pass JAMB?

    Baba: (shakes his head) Your score don’t use to pass 76.

    Bose: (bends to hold her knees and squints) So, if you carry me to that man’s place now and he sees that you brought the worst one, do you know he can vex and kill you?

    Baba: And you use to have sense o. What now happened?

    Bose: Grandma cursed me, abi you have forgotten?

    Baba: Is it my mother you’re still accusing of witchcraft?

    Bose: If she is not a witch, why will she swear for me to be writing Common Entrance anyhow? Just because I didn’t greet her once.

    Baba throws his shoe at her. At that moment, a loud banging is heard outside. The gate is slammed and a group of touts storm the compound.

    Tout 1: (from outside) Bose! Come out!

    Tout 2: (from outside) Where is our baptism money?

    Bose: (screams from the window) Rili! You know I have not reached that part of the Bible!

    Baba: (perplexed) Hope you know they didn’t put how to baptise people in the Bible?

    Bose: You’re… You’re lying.

    Baba: …

    Tout 1: (from outside) And where is the ram you collected for the baptism?

    Baba: You collect ram?

    Bose: …

    Baba: …

    Bose: That’s what I use to eat the amala. Let’s use the back to be going to that man’s house because Rili can burn this place.

    BEAST’S MANSION

    Night has fallen when Bose and Baba arrive at Beast’s mansion. Bose hauls a Ghana-Must-Go into the living area while Baba walks beside her.

    Beast walks into the room and roars. Baba falls on his knees. Bose stands there.

    Bose: Ha. Iwin?

    Beast: What?

    Bose: As in…. (thinks for a second) Baba, what is the English word for Iwin?

    Baba: Bush Baby

    Bose: But this one has…

    Beast: (roars) Shut up! You, Baba, may leave. Your daughter is staying.

    Bose: Ehn?

    Baba starts to leave. Bose carries her Ghana-Must-Go and follows him.

    Beast: Heis, didn’t you hear me?

    Bose stops but Baba rushes out of the house.

    Bose: Baba! Baba!!

    Bose scowls as she watches her father leave the mansion. Beast looks at her lovingly and puts a hand on her shoulder. She looks at the hand and up at him.

    Bose: Hope you know your hand is heavy?

    Beast: (removes his hand)

    Bose: And maybe you should be using mask for this your face.

    Beast: What’s wrong with it?

    Bose: You know you’re a ram abi? 

    Beast: I’m a bear and a wolf. Mixed breed.

    Bose: Who did this thing to you?

    Beast: (looks uncomfortable) I stole Babalawo’s GeePee tank, so he turned me to this thing. The danfo driver that helped me carry the tank, he turned that one to candle. The woman that is selling indomie near our house, that one turned to kettle.

    Bose: You people have really suffered oh.

    Beast: (nods) And the only way I will turn back  is if a woman falls in love with me and kisses me. That’s why I asked your Baba to bring you.

    Bose: Wrong number.

    Beast: (places his hand on her shoulder again) I want to get to know you, Bose.

    Bose: Do you want to spoil my shoulder?

    Beast: (brings out a photo) See, this used to be how I look. If you agree to kiss me, I will go back to this.

    Bose: (takes the photo and peers at it) Maybe you should stay like this. This your before photo is not good at all.

    Beast snatches his photo.

    BOSE’S ROOM

    Beast shows Bose into a large room, beautifully decorated and filled with books. 

    Beast: This is your room. I asked them to make it perfect for you. And this kettle right here (points to a kettle on the table) will give you anything you want.

    The kettle comes to life and smiles at Bose. Bose’s eyes widen.

    Beast: (hands her a mirror) I know you miss your family, so all you have to do is make a wish and the mirror will show you your family.

    He hands Bose the mirror and leaves the room. Bose stares at the mirror.

    Kettle: Would you like to drink anything? Tea, coffee?

    Bose: Do you have agbo?

    Kettle: Ehn?

    Bose: Agbo Iba?

    Kettle: …

    Bose: (holds up the mirror) Can this thing do Visa lottery?

    MIDNIGHT

    Bose walks down the hallway, holding a candle. 

    Candle: This is a bad idea.

    Bose: Shhhh!

    She stops in front of Beast’s room and opens the large door.

    Bose: (whispers) Iwin?

    Beast: I told you not to call me that.

    She crawls on top of him and he grabs her by the waist.

    Beast: I see someone can’t sleep.

    Bose: (smiles shyly) Is true.

    Beast: What do you want? Tell me.

    Bose: (licks her lips) Okay. Do YIIINN (bares her teeth).

    Beast: (confused) What?

    Bose: (bares her teeth) As in, do YIIINN.

    Beast: Wha.. What? Why?

    Bose: (hold up a plier) I want to remove one of your teeth.

    Beast: Ehn?

    Bose: They said your teeth are very expensive in the market.

    Beast: Who said that?

    Bose: Muka Ray.

    Beat: Who is Muka Ray?

    Bose: Just do YIINNNN. It won’t pain you. I want the big one. 

    Bose tries to remove his teeth but he pushes her out and shuts his door.

    Bose: Is not like you’re using it for anything!

    THE NEXT DAY

    It is morning and Beast wakes up to the sound of pounding. He steps outside into his garden. Bose is on a ladder hammering a nail into the castle wall. There is a huge banner on the castle wall, it reads: PHOTOSHOOT WITH SALLAH RAM

    Beast: Bose! What is that?!

    Bose: People have paid me. They want to do photoshoot with you.

    Beast: With who?

    Bose climbs down and hands him a photo.

    Bose: Like this, but they won’t kill you. It will just look like they bought ram.

    Beast: Is like you’re mad.

    Beast starts to leave and Bose runs up to him.

    Bose: Ok. Ok. I am sorry. I want us to go on a date today. Let’s walk to the market.

    Beast: (softens) That’s what you should have said.

    AT THE MARKET

    There are spectators watching a couple of rams fight in a circle. Beast is horrified while Bose is smiling widely.

    Beast: What is this?

    Bose: It will soon be your turn. Hope you can fight?

    Bose pushes him into the circle to lock horns with a cow. Beast is screaming as he gets pummelled.

    Bose: Fight well now. I have used our house to bet oh!

    Beast: That’s my ancestor’s house!

    Bose: That’s why you must fight well because if they win, GOBE!

    BEAST’S HOUSE

    Beast has a bandage on his head and he is frowning. Bose is also frowning at him.

    Beast: I can never forgive you.

    Bose: Are you still angry? Look, I dreamt my father is not well, and I want to go home. They can read his will, and I don’t want them to cheat me.

    Beast: (still angry) Ehn use the mirror to wish yourself back home.

    Bose: …

    Beast: What?

    Bose: Won’t you give me transport money?

    Beast: You don’t need transport money. Just make a wish.

    Bose: …

    Beast: …

    Bose: So like, you won’t give me money to hold body?

    Beast: Why?

    Bose: You know this is why I wanted to remove your teeth?

    BOSE’S HOUSE

    Bose is on her bed holding up a mirror. She wishes to see the beast and he appears, but he looks sad.

    Bose: Baba is still alive and they are not reading any will. I just wasted time.

    Beast: Come back. I miss you.

    Bose: We have wolimoh tomorrow and I have choose cloth

    Beast: …

    Bose: What?

    Beast: Is that the deed to my house on your table?

    Bose changes her position and smiles at the mirror.

    Beast: What?

    Bose: I want to marry you.

    Beast: Because of the deed to my house?

    Bose: We can use your house to do hotel.

    Beast disappears and Bose frowns.

    FAMILY GATHERING

    Bose and the beast are sitting in the presence of her family. The entire family is gathered.

    Bose: (smiles uneasily)

    Beast: (bares his teeth in an attempt to smile)

    Baba: (winces) This thing is generational curse.

    Mummy Osogbo: You want to marry ram?

    Daddy Akure: Police dog?

    Bose: Who say he is a police dog now?

    Beast: Wolf and bear. Mixed breed.

    Bose: Maybe you should not talk because I don’t know why you’re always proud to say that mixed breed thing.

    Mummy Osogbo: Us, we don’t want dog in our family oh.

    Bose: See, when I kiss him. He will change.

    Daddy Akure: (whispers to Mummy Osogbo) Should we call pastor?

    Bose and the beast kiss. Nothing happens. She kisses him again. Nothing.

    Bose: You said you would change!

    Beast: I can’t change because you’re marrying me for money!

    Rili and the touts that Bose conned step into the house.

    Tout 1: We hear say you dey do introduction after you carry our money run!

    Rili: Wey my ram?

    Bose looks at the beast.

    Beast: Bose, I swear I can swear for you. You know I am your husband.

    Bose: (point at the beast) This is him here. 70K last price.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

    , ,
  • If Cinderella Were Nigerian: A Play

    Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

    If you ask any ‘90s kid to describe a Disney princess, they’ll probably paint the picture of a soft-spoken, fragile and helpless woman who only sings, bakes, sighs and waits for Prince Charming to show up and save her.

    However, have you ever wondered what it might have been like if Disney princesses were average Nigerians? Would they still be as demure? I thought about it too and chose to write a series of plays.

    Today, I’m starting with the OG Disney princess, Cinderella. Everyone knows the story of how she lost her parents, endured the torture of her stepmother and sisters, had rats for friends and eventually found her prince.

    But if Cinderella were a Nigerian who lived in Mushin, how would her life have turned out?

    SIDI’S HOUSE

    It is 9 p.m. and Cinderella, whom everyone calls Sidi, walks into the living room. She is sweating profusely and fanning herself with a sheet of paper. She sees her stepmother in the living room and stops.

    Sidi: (fans herself) Won’t we on gen today?

    Stepmother: (non-chalantly) Go and buy petrol.

    Her stepmother opens up a packet of suya. Sidi watches as she slowly chews each stick of meat

    Sidi: I have not eaten this night oh.

    Stepmother: (continues chewing).

    Sidi comes closer to take some of the suya, but her stepmother hits her hand with the remote. Sidi yelps.

    Sidi: (shuffles feet and frowns) I have to pay my school fees oh.

    Stepmother: Wait for your father to come back.

    Sidi: (eyes the suya) At least, give me money for petrol… And suya.

    Stepmother: (continues chewing).

    Sidi: I say I have not eaten this night. Is it until I die in…

    A loud knock is heard. The Divisional Police Officer (DPO) walks in.

    Stepmother: (blushes).

    DPO: (smiles).

    Sidi: DPO?

    DPO: (frowns) What?

    Sidi: Are you not supposed to be at the junction?

    DPO: (eyes Sidi) Armed robbers are there. And I came to tell you that they have kidnapped your father.

    Sidi: What?

    DPO: He stole okada from cultists, and they kidnapped him. We don’t know when he will come back, and we can’t look for him.

    Sidi: Why?

    DPO: So that they can collect the danfo we use for police bus? (removes cap and sits) Start planning his burial because those cultists don’t release people.

    Sidi: Who will pay my school fees?

    Sidi stretches the receipt in her hand. The DPO peers at it.

    DPO: Why is your own school fees N250,000 when Ramota is paying N15,000?

    Sidi: (disgusted) That’s when your antenna will stand.

    Stepmother: Enough! Your father is finally dead and you never needed an education anyway. Dismissed! 

    Sidi: …

    DPO: It means get out, ode!

    Sidi: So that you people can do what you normally do?

    DPO: (raises his kondo) I say get out.

    Sidi: (reaches for the suya).

    Stepmother: (slaps her hand). 

    Sidi grumbles and makes her way to her room where she sits on the floor and checks her betting tickets.

    Sidi: Omo. So all these tickets cut sha.

    Two rats scurry to her side.

    Rat 1: Sidi, don’t feel bad.

    Sidi: Who be that?

    Rat 2: Down here.

    Sidi: JESUS! JESUS!

    Sidi reaches for a broom and starts to chase them.

    DPO: (from the living room) Sidi! Sidi! Did they swear for you? Why are you making noise? Do you know it is affecting my performance?!

    The sun is high up in the sky, signifying midday. Sidi is in a small kitchen blowing at a stove. There is a pot of boiling pap on the stove.

    Sidi gets on her knees to blow at the stove when she hears a loud call.

    Stepsister 1: Sidi! Get in here!

    Sidi groans and wipes her face with a soot-covered hand, staining her face.

    Stepsister 2: Sidi! Can’t you hear us!?

    Sidi walks into the living room where her stepmother, stepsisters and DPO are sitting in the living room. The women are dressed in their pyjamas but DPO is wearing only his boxers.

    Stepsister: Where is breakfast? Shouldn’t we have eaten?

    Stepsister 2: You’ve been sleeping in that kitchen since morning. I saw you! Mummy, I saw her!

    Stepmother: Sidi! Is that true?!

    DPO: Won’t we eat? Abi are you deaf?

    Sidi: DPO? Do you smell the firewood?

    DPO: Yes.

    Sidi: That’s your uniform burning.

    DPO: (jumps out of his chair) What? Sidi! Do you know that is the only uniform I have? What will I wear home?

    Sidi holds up an Ankara wrapper.  DPO starts to scream but at that moment, there is a loud knock at the door.

    Person: (knocks loudly).

    Stepmother: Won’t you get the door? Or are you truly deaf?

    Sidi: (grumbles) Who is the mad man that is banging the gate?

    Man: Who are you cursing?

    Sidi: Who is standing here? What do you want please?

    Man: (hisses) Our local government chairman’s son, Shina. You know him? He is doing party, and he wants all the ‘omo ele’ in the area to come.

    Sidi: Shina? The one that is owing everybody money?

    Stepmother: (pushes Sidi aside and smiles) Thank you for the invitation. I will bring my girls.

    DPO appears behind Sidi with the ankara wrapper tied to his chest.

    DPO: Sidi, how will I tell danfo drivers that I am a staff like this?

    Sidi hisses and leaves the living room.

    THE DAY OF THE PARTY

    Sidi’s stepsisters try on the dresses she made for them.

    Stepsister 1: Sidi, what is this?

    Sidi: Cloth.

    Stepsister 1: Why is the front jumping?

    Stepsister 2: And why is my gown not reaching the ground.

    Sidi: God did not create you people proportionately.

    Stepmother: Shut up, Sidi. You look beautiful, babies. Everyone will love you! Let’s go.

    They all leave the house.

    Sidi is alone, picking beans when a flickering low light appears and a woman comes into view. The light continues to flicker.

    Fairy Godmother: (smiles brightly) Sidi, your fairy godmother is here!

    Sidi: (sighs) You don’t have full current?

    Fairy Godmother: (frowns and stands akimbo) What is always wrong with you?

    Sidi: Honestly, it’s money problem I have now now. Can I see like N5k?

    Fairy Godmother: (looks at her in disgust)

    Sidi: (tilts head) Can you tap light? I want to watch match, and we don’t have light.

    Fairy Godmother: Shut up, Sidi. I came to take you to the party so you can find a man and settle down.

    Sidi: Ok. I hear you. I do. But first tell me the lotto number to play.

    Fairy Godmother: (exasperated) Sidi, go and bring 2 rats so that I can turn them into a G-Wagon for you.

    Sidi: (scratches head).

    Fairy Godmother: Be fast about it!

    Sidi: I have given all of them rat poison.

    Fairy Godmother: What do you now have?

    Sidi: Wall gecko.

    Fairy Godmother: (sigh) Bring it.

    Sidi: (arrives with the wall gecko).

    Fairy Godmother: (waves wand).

    The wall gecko turns into okada.

    Sidi: (Irritated) Wetin be this?

    Fairy Godmother: Shut up your detty mouth. Didn’t I ask you to bring rat?Now, for your dress and makeup.

    Fairy Godmother waves her wand and Sidi changes. 

    Sidi: Why did you give me PDP cloth? And did you use pieces to sew this cloth?

    Fairy Godmother: Material is cost. Be going like that.

    Sidi: Who will drive the okada?

    Fairy Godmother: Can’t you ride it?

    Sidi: No oh. You’re the one that will drive me there.

    Fairy Godmother: Are you mad?

    Sidi: Ehn I am not going, nigabyen. (Sidi sits).

    Her Fairy Godmother sits on the okada.

    Fairy Godmother: Enter now before I vex. I don’t even know why they gave me this work.

    Sidi: Maybe they don’t like you.

    Sidi mounts the bike and her Fairy Godmother zooms off.

    Sidi: Suffery Suffery o! You know I have not died before.

    AT THE PARTY

    It is 11:58 p.m. and Shina’s party is in full swing. There are string lights, canopies and fuji music is playing from the speakers. Some guests are dancing while others are having a conversation.

    Sidi tries to stuff small chops and Chivita into her bag.

    Shina: Did they say you can carry the food?

    Sidi turns around.

    Sidi: I have not collected food.

    Shina: I have been looking at you from there since. You’ve packed food 15 times.

    Sidi: I didn’t pack…

    Shina opens her bag to find cutleries, packs of food and drinks there. Sidi snatches her bag from him.

    Shina: Come and be going.

    Sidi: It is just 12. The party has not finished now.

    Shina: So that you can pack the remaining food?

    Shina drags her out of the party while Sidi protests.

    Shina: Don’t enter this party again!

    Sidi stands there, frowning. She sits by a pavement and brings out a pack of small chops. As she eats, she looks towards a line of generators powering the party.

    She looks from the generator to her parked okada and back to the generators. She drops her phone and the pack of small chops on the pavement and soon, Sidi is riding home with the generator at the back of her okada.

    Shina bursts out in anger, but Sidi is gone. He only sees her phone on the pavement.

    THE NEXT DAY

    A knock is heard at the gate.

    Man: (knocks loudly).

    Sidi: (Sidi hisses loudly and opens the door) Wetin again?

    Man: Is even you?

    Sidi: (looks down at his worn-out shoes) You know selling recharge cards is better than this town crier hustle that you’re doing?

    Man: That your mouth will soon blow, idiot.

    Stepmother: Ah! It is you.

    Man: Yes. I am looking for the woman that owns this phone oh (holds up the phone)

    Stepsister: It is mine!

    Man: Call the number.

    Stepsister 1: 080683528

    Man: (disgusted) Madam, if you want to lie, at least lie with sense.

    Her stepsister frowns and sulks. Sidi sighs uninterestedly and recites the correct number.

    Man: It’s even you?

    Sidi: (snatches the phone). I’ve been looking for it. (scowls at the phone) Who used all my credit?

    Shina walks into the conversation. Sidi’s eyes widen.

    Shina: Did you carry my gen abi you did not carry my gen?

    Sidi: (scratches neck)

    Shina: (narrows eyes) I like fiesty girls like you. I want to take you home and take care of you.

    Sidi: To where?

    Shina: My permanent base.

    Sidi: Ehn. Where is it gaan gaan?

    Shina: Omu Ago

    Sidi: In this Lagos?

    Shina: Ondo State.

    Sidi: (bends, squints and whispers) Because I carry your gen?

    Shina: Are you doing abi you’re not doing?

    Sidi: When your leg is paining you, you will leave here.

    Shina leaves in anger. He walks back into the compound and drags his generator out. He also instructs his man to carry Sidi’s generator.

    Sidi: Hay! That’s our own gen o! Shina! THAT’S THE GEN I WANT TO INHERIT!

    Sidi’s Fairy Godmother shows up and fires up her Okada. Sidi runs to drag it, but she zooms off.

    Sidi: I’ve collected deposit on that Okada o!

    Sidi walks back into her house and slams the door. She continues to live in chaos without her prince or a generator.

    Her fairy godmother also quit because Sidi’s life is obviously affecting her mental health.

    Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

    Hauwa L

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  • If Disney Princesses Had Nigerian Parents

    We all know that Disney princesses are not the best decision-makers, and even those who still had both parents in the picture, like Merida, or just one, like Ariel, still managed to make horrible, sometimes even life-threatening choices.

    Now, imagine they all had Nigerian parents that stopped that innate stupidity before it manifested, either through rigorous prayer sessions or the strike of an eba stick. Well, let’s just say all our favourite Disney movies would be virtually non-existent.

    1. Merida (Brave)

    Merida vehemently refused to get married, used witchcraft to turn her mother into an animal, and then nearly killed her. Granted, it was mostly accidental, but when did actual intention ever matter?

    Brave mom and daughter

    It’s safe to say that if her parents were Nigerian, Merida would either be dead or in the village with her grandmother fixing her life.

    fix it jesus

    2. Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

    Anyone with Nigerian parents would know better than to take anything, not to mention food from a stranger; much less a stranger who looks like this:

    evil queen

    I mean, a Nigerian mother would teach you that before she even starts teaching you how to speak.

    oprah side eye

    3. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

    In retrospect, King Tritan was way too soft on Ariel. How many Nigerian fathers would let their fifteen-year-old daughter sneak out with friends at night? Yeah, didn’t think so.

    Ariel out at Night

    Ariel wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to see Eric, not to talk of selling her soul so she could go on a date with him. Like, HOW?

    doing yourself

    4. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

    Maleficent, the King’s ex, actually gatecrashed Aurora’s naming ceremony to come and place a curse on her. Like, WOW!

    maleficient

    Nope. Nah. Uhn-Uhn. A Nigerian mother would have dragged her out of that Owambe by her horns, and then proceeded to stab her with them.

    you want to die

    5. Pocahontas (Pocahontas)

    Do you remember when John Smith told Pocahontas “we improve the lives of savages…” Lmao! My God!

    pocahontas

    It already takes a small army to get a Nigerian parent on board with who you like, then imagine he is a foreigner that says stupid shit like that. You can be sure that love is already invalid.

    Shut up

    6. Anna (Frozen)

    Anna, one of the most recent Disney princesses we were introduced to, sang a love song and got engaged to the first man she met, on the first day she met him.

    hans

    If any of our favourite Disney Princesses needed the classic (and thoroughly effective) Nigerian mother side-eye, it was certainly her.

    dont be silly

    NerdEfiko

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