Hey, you. With each day that passes, I’m increasingly open to the idea of setting alarms to
remind myself to eat during the day.

I’m at the stage where my eyesight starts to cloud over before I remember, “Shoot, I haven’t eaten today!”
Maybe one day, I’ll finally determine the exact colour of my problem.

[There’s a part in this story when one partner had to live with their ex,
and I just want to say, I greatly admire the other partner for believing nothing would happen
because, what?!]

Hii Itohan! I remember how excited you were when you shared how you finally found a lesbian couple for #LoveLife.

Yes, we’ve done a lot of heterosexual couples, and I wanted balance. This week’s subjects filled out my form, in which I
begged people to come and be interviewed, and that’s how this story came to life.

Love it for you. Their first kiss happening in a toilet gave me secondary school love
vibes, and it’s kinda sweet. Is that the strangest first kiss story you’ve heard?

I think their toilet first kiss was cute. Sometimes, it’s doing you like that. The person you’re seeing is so hot, your body starts to do you anyhow.
I’ve definitely heard about weirder first kisses. I just can’t remember which I’ll qualify as the weirdest.

Any other thing you found interesting?

The ex-girlfriend who refused to go. I was afraid o. You can’t tell me that babe isn’t a witch.

LMAO.

How to know your babe is about to get married, but not to you

I can confirm that refusing to get upset is a sign. Not because I’ve done it, but which
Nigerian woman likes peace? If she isn’t vexing for you, she’s vexing for someone else.

Know now, to avoid stories that touch

Steal the show at Lagos Fashion Week with these household items

Lagos Fashion Week 2022 is upon us, and we wouldn’t be the amazing people we are if
we didn’t give you tips to kill everybody with style when you attend.

Best-dressed or nothing

Ten proven ways to make bastard money

You see that British prime minister own? That’s the one I want to do. I’ll manage to stay for just over a month
then resign, so I’ll be entitled to the annual £115k allowance. Best in cash out!

Become bastardly rich

You’re a Cheapskate if You Get Up to 8/12 on This Quiz

I am cheapskate. Cheapskate is me.

Take the quiz

Hey, you. The way I’m excited for the weekend, you’d think I had any plans of leaving my house.

But hey, who knows, maybe I’d wake up on the adventurous let’s-go-out-and-eat-food-we-already-have-at-home-only-more-expensive side of the bed tomorrow. Unlikely, but a girl can dream.

In This Letter:

• 1You should know these things before dating a bad bitch
• 2Nollywood, please let these plots rest
• 3Nigerian Police PROs need to be stopped, and these tweets prove it

Hey Sheriff! I remember you saying you wanted to speak with someone who lives in China. How did you find her?

Through someone I was initially supposed to interview. I met that person through Instagram, and we exchanged numbers at some point. So, when I knew I’d be writing a story on someone from China, I just texted her. She almost ghosted me, but she eventually told me her friend who’d been there for 8 years wanted to do the interview.

I was getting into this story until I got to the part where she said the Chinese lit her hair on fire. Like what?

LMAO. That part blew my mind. There’s a lot of stuff that didn’t even make it to the final story; it’s that crazy. The most shocking part for me was when someone dragged her by the hair just because she wanted to know if it was real. Like, are you mad or something? On top of that, the person was angry when she confronted her.

Mad. The country’s orderliness aside, I don’t see China in my future. Do you?

I don’t see China in my future, please. It will remain a place I read and hear about for a very long time.

You should know these things before dating a bad bitch

So you’re lusting after a bad bitch? Get in line with the 50 other people. If you eventually turn out to be the lucky person she chooses, you’ll need to know certain things.

These are very important

Nollywood, please let these plots rest

The one that annoys me is how the prince always falls in love with the poor girl. In what world is that realistic, and how come Adenuga’s son hasn’t found me yet?

It’s enough, please

Nigerian Police PROs need to be stopped, and these tweets prove it

I don’t know what purpose these PROs are meant to fulfil, but it can’t be to present a cute image of the police. It’s not working.

They’re not doing the best job

Why Are You Still in the Streets?

Since you don’t want to leave, you should at least have a good reason for it.

Take the quiz

Hey {$name}. I have this bad habit of replying to texts in my head. Like, I’ll see your message, reply in my head and forget to in real life. I’m positive I’m not alone, so if you always get accused of “forgetting” people, there’s an article in this letter for you.💜

PS: If you’re curious about how love works in polyamorous relationships, you should definitely read this week’s Love Life.

Itohan! When I read they started dating after five days of talking, I immediately said they give Itohan vibes. LOL. Why did you decide to tell their story?

Not Itohan vibes????? 😭😭The subjects are people I know, and I’ve heard chopped versions of their relationship before. So one day, I put them in a group chat and said, “Oya, start from the beginning”.

I’m not sure I have the strength for polyamory. Do you think you’d ever give it a go?

I’m actually polyamorous. So, I don’t have a choice but to have strength for it. One thing that makes heartbreak easier to deal with is having a partner who’s not only holding your hand through it but laughing with you when you tell them some foolish things about it. It’s great. Shoutout to my partner, Eli fr. The goat.

I’m singing “wow” like an ambulance. On a scale of 1-10, how much did you enjoy this interview, and why?

13. There’s a certain ease that comes with interviewing people you know. Plus, they’re like super in love with each other. Even with the small small insults they were dropping, you could tell it came with a lot of familiarity, ease and love.

8 accurate responses to “you forgot me”

There’s nothing I hate more than this guilt-tripping nonsense. Yes, I forgot you, but you didn’t reach out either. So what gives?

Use these responses

Meet Shelah, the Gordon Ramsey of book reviews

For Creator Spotlight, Shelah tells us about her brand as a bookstagrammer who writes book reviews, and how her work reflects her experiences. Side note: I may have stared at her goth aesthetic a little too much.🙈

Read her story

Your partner’s parents should be trying to impress YOU

And that’s on facts. It’s not every time, “behave well so you make a good first impression”. What if I don’t even like your child like that? Don’t I need to be convinced?

This is why they need to put in the work

Are You a Baller or a Mechanic?

You’ve been reciting the TikTok clip like a primary school pupil. It’s time to know the truth.

Take the quiz

Hey {$name}. I feel like it’s been raining for the past 84 years. Yes, I know it’s the rainy season, but I think Noah’s ark is hidden at the back of someone’s backyard, and I don’t have the gist.

Please, let me know if anyone says anything about rain destroying the world in your hood. For research purposes, of course.

[Just found out this was Tega’s first “What She Said” story, and as someone who never runs away from a good throwback, I’m bringing back the Inside Gist from that day. Enjoy!]

Hey Tega! What made you want to interview a woman in her 50s?

If you listen close enough, older people always have a story someone needs to hear. This was a random evening sitting with my mum’s friend when she got into those “When I was your age…” chats.

When did you decide you cared about her story?

I realised I was literally about to relive a semblance of her life from 1992. I was packing up to leave my home in Abuja for Lagos, and was in the “I’m going to make it big” mood as well.

What would you say is the most interesting thing about her?

Her experience as “Small Pepper” made me laugh a lot. Like, how do you have the guts to steal an elderly man’s palm wine kegs at 13?

Is Lee Min Ho still your idol? Maybe think again

I can’t even deny it — I shamelessly joined the bandwagon of teenage girls with a massive crush on Lee Min Ho in 2013. But in 2022? Uhmm…

Hear us out first

7 ways to make your home feel like yours again after a breakup

Tbh, breakfast is much worse when your ex lived with you. Since you can’t move out (with which money? LMAO), you can try these methods.

We got you, boo

Kill it at any alté party with these 10 fashion tips

Alté fashion is in, kids. So, get with the times and become the main character you were born to be with these fashion tips.

Never be caught without drip

Sorry, but Your Eye Service Is Second to None if You Score 12/17 on This Quiz

There’s a thin line between oversabi and efficiency. Where do you fall?

Take the quiz

Hey {$name}. I act like I’m okay but deep down, I just want to be a sugar baby. Just take a look at this #AWeekInTheLife subject who’s living the best of both worlds as a manager and a rich man’s sugar girl.

I really want to meet her and ask how it feels to be the money god’s favourite.

[My favourite part was where she said, “He who’s without sin should cast a stone. If e sure for you, stone me”. LMAO. Apparently, she also lives just five minutes away from her workplace. No one can convince me she didn’t bribe an angel for this kind of luck.]

---

The subject of this “A Week in the Life” is a manager at a cosmetic store. When she’s not making sure her office doesn’t burn, she’s also a sugar girl. She tells us about how money challenges morals, the benefits of her job, and why she cherishes her independence.

Interview with Curtain: “I’m not allergic to water”

Say the truth, when last did your curtain touch water? Don’t even answer that. We know the truth. We sat down with Curtain, and omo, she has seen things.

Read the interview

Zikoko’s guide to freelancing like a pro

Because the price of bread doesn’t look like it’s affected by gravity, and money has to be made. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Get that schmoney

Nigeria should adopt these election laws from around the world

Let’s not copy only accents or mac and cheese. At least, automatic voter registration will put an end to the armageddon-like queues for PVC registration every election season.

You’ll def agree with these

Will You Make It to the Top 5 in the BBNaija House?

Will you even smell the ₦100 million?

Take the quiz

Hey, you. This song has lived in my head rent-free for the past three days. Please, what is a “munch”, and why’s she calling the guy one? Why does it have Instagram Reels in a chokehold? And, most importantly, am I losing touch with my Gen Z side?

My existential crisis aside, I really think you should read this week’s #NairaLife. I’ve plugged it in this letter. 💜

[David decided to nap on company time, so I’m gisting with myself again. No one seemed to mind the last time.]

I read this lady’s story, and I was torn between blaming the brother for not being more appreciative of her efforts and wondering how much the other employees earned if the managing editor/head of operations/HR lead was paid ₦50k.

Like?! My heart went out to her. Imagine sticking around even when you’re not happy because of family, and then, the decision comes around to bite you in the ass.

What part got you the most emotional?

The part where she said she feels she would’ve had better friendships and relationships, and even gotten married, if she had switched jobs. I can’t imagine what it’s like to watch the years pass by from one spot, and feel alone professionally, financially and emotionally, as she did.

Asake dropped another snippet, and TwitterNG is losing it

Asake really said, “I’ll choke you people with fire beats,” and we don’t even mind. As usual, Twitter NG has hilarious things to say. I’m still screaming.

See for yourself

How to write a Nigerian job description in 7 steps

The key is to include the craziest job responsibilities you can find and conclude with no mention of salary. Because who wants to work for money and not passion?

Learn the Nigerian way

#BBNaijaS7 Week 8: What is Biggie really doing?

The only thing I got from last week’s BBN was that Biggie is giving confused. What’s with the two-day level and tail-of-house thing?

Catch the recap

Does Your Partner Really Love You if You Can’t Score Up to 10 on This Quiz?

Pro tip: Show your partner the results, and don’t say anything.

Take the quiz

Hey, you. I think these NEPA/PHCN guys are really scared of my lawsuit threat. Since they fixed my light, they’ve been bringing and taking it a suspiciously high number of times.

Not that I’m complaining o, but since I started writing this letter, they’ve brought the light like five times. I’m not even kidding. Guys, I know you’re working. Relax, it’s enough.

Halimat* and Aisha* (both 21) live in the same estate, are from the same state and once shared the same interests. So they were bound to be friends. But after four years, distance strained the relationship, and an act of mistrust caused it to end.

---

What changed?

The first problem was I’d become a lot more lax with Islam. I stopped covering my hair and was very vocal about never doing that again. She, on the other hand, was still very modest. We still had the same interests, so I could let some of her comments about me not covering my hair slide.

But then, she told my mum about something I trusted her with, and it all went downhill from there.

Even my siblings didn’t know about my japa plans

This story took every Nigerian’s unwritten agreement to be careful of village people to a whole other level. I can’t imagine my siblings not knowing I’m trying to leave the country. Why did she do it?

Read why she did it

These cartoon intros will help you relive your childhood

The fact that I shamelessly belted out the intro themes to these cartoons reinforces my belief that adulting is definitely not for me.

Let’s take you back to the good days

What I ordered vs what I got: BBNaija edition

Make me understand how Sheggz said he’d never be caught fighting, but oga has fought with everyone in the house. I also thought he’d have sense because he’s fine, but alas.

These people deceived us

Plan the Perfect Weekend, and We’ll Suggest the Best Anime for You

Don’t stress about what to watch. We gat you.

Take the quiz

Hey, you. I’m back like I never left. I’m thinking of spamming Memi with love emojis so she doesn’t remember I owe her dollars. Think it’ll work?

Also, I came back and saw that Itohan wrote a fitting drag ranking of Nigerian internet service providers, and I totally recommend because MTN has been the weapon fashioned against my health and productivity this past week.

In This Letter:

• 1Ranked: Nigerian internet service providers
• 2POV: You’re the girlfriend of someone who parties for a living
• 3How bad is your browser history?

Hmm. Have you greeted me today, Tife? Is this how we do now? You didn’t ask for my account number too. Why are we living like this? Me, I’ll sha ask how your health is.
But the semo part caught me off guard, let me not lie. Why will they smile when they’re eating semo up and down?

What was your favourite thing about the interview?

The subject was very friendly. Plus, the number of times he cried, lol.

Why won’t someone cry after everything he had to go through?

Ranked: Nigerian internet service providers

Typically, a ranking rates something from best to worst, but it isn’t possible with Nigerian internet service providers. So, this is basically a compilation of rubbish. Because they’re all rubbish.

How rubbish is your service provider?

POV: You’re the girlfriend of someone who parties for a living

Imagine being the girlfriend of the King of Lagos nightlife. I’m asking you because my bed-loving self could never. We spoke to Naomi, Chiby’s girlfriend, and it’s not always as fun as you may have imagined.

What’s it like?

How Nigeria’s previous republics fell

The only thing we’re missing is dragons because Nigeria’s history might just give Game of Thrones a run for its money. Chile, the drama!

Grab your popcorn for this

How Bad Is Your Browser History?

In one line – 🎶Badder than bad, yunno🎶

Take the quiz

Hey, you. I want to sue NEPA/PHCN (or is it NERC? I can’t keep track). Anyways, they disconnected my light illegally because they assumed I wasn’t paying my bills (I use a prepaid meter) and didn’t bother to come in to check before carting the wires away.

I need a lawyer, please. This may just be how I blow and finally get freedom from capitalism.

The subject of this Sex Life is a 30-year-old queer woman who, after agreeing to an open marriage, realised she is primarily attracted to women. She talks about coming out to her husband and embracing her new reality.

---

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 13, and it was with my best friend. We were in JSS 3. One day, we were talking about boy problems, and we just started kissing. From then on, we met in the same spot almost every day to make out. The crazy thing is: we never actually acknowledged it.

People actually use these weird things as contraceptives

I can only assume that the people who recommended the “climb stairs” method expect people to jump up immediately after sex and look for the nearest duplex.

Operation avoid pregnancy

How to survive a job you hate

I know you can relate. So, instead of grumbling every day, use these life hacks brought to you by Zikoko, the overraw best in giving life advice.

Take notes

Stop beating police officers, said the Inspector-General

Not to condone assault of any kind, but my first thought reading this was, “so you guys now know how it feels, yeah?”

They said you people shouldn’t fight

Plan a First Date, and We’ll Guess Your Future Partner’s Initials

So you’ll have something to work with when you go to Shiloh.

Take the quiz

Hey, you. I’m calling my bosses out because they thought it was cool to raise my hopes about World Garri Day. They did a whole tweet, but who’s working today? Every darn person at Zikoko!

If you see Ruka and Dwin outside, tell them Tife sent you to tell them it’s on sight.

In This Letter:

• 19 unmistakable signs your daddy is someone’s sugar daddy
• 2Our long-distance friendship brought us closer
• 3You might want to remove Northern Cyprus from your japa list

[Since I already chose violence today, I’m calling David out too. Please, help me beg him to stop throwing me VNs when I try to do amebo with him.]

David, it’s a good thing you’re my fave. Or else. Anyways, how do you feel about this week’s Abroad Life?

Sorryyy. About the story, I really enjoyed the interview. If you notice, it’s longer than recent Abroad Life episodes and that’s because this subject told me at the beginning of the interview that she loves talking. She even apologised for it but it was great because it was such an enjoyable conversation.

Also, she’s now on my #EatTheRich list because I can’t imagine my father buying me a 5-bedroom house in Canada because I got pregnant. If I get pregnant, my father would simply disown me and not re-own me back.

LMAO. But this loneliness everybody is talking about, I’m pretty confident I’ll survive. You couldn’t pay me to go out, most days.

See, I just found that Canada is the second largest country in the world and the population is just twice that of Lagos. The weather is another huge factor in this loneliness thing. I promise you, when the cold enters your body, you’ll look for company.

9 unmistakable signs your daddy is someone’s sugar daddy

Once your Nigerian father starts chewing through Gen Z slangs like chewing gum or using emojis correctly, just know you’ve lost him to a child of the world.

Watch out for these signs

Our long-distance friendship brought us closer

I have a hard time managing same-city friendships but Caleb and Mofe have done (and are still doing!) it from different timezones for the last eight years. Goals.

Read about Caleb and Mofe

You might want to remove Northern Cyprus from your japa list

If you’re like me who’s in love with the idea of leaving Nigeria, you may want to be very sure of the places you SHOULDN’T escape to. Northern Cyprus, for instance.

But why?

Can You Unscramble These Level-Up Housemates’ Names in 1 Minute?

I tried it, and let’s just say my answer to this question is negative.

Take the quiz

Hey, you. I’m happy to announce that World Garri Day is happening, and I’m making sure Zikoko leads by example and gives us a day off.

In other breaking news, it’s officially one day to Game of Votes. It’s the newsletter designed to help you navigate the Nigeria that’s apparently been fashioned against you. Click the image to subscribe and share with those on your blocked list (because they need to hear this gospel too).

Hii Itohan. I’m curious, whose parents did you hijack for this story?

LMAO. They’re actually my partner’s parents, and they’re the absolute cutest.

Ohh okay. But I’m still trying to wrap my head around how they managed long-distance in a no-phones era.

Do you get?! The only reason long-distance relationships make sense is because of all the ways we can communicate now. Imagine doing lockdown without phones?

I can’t even imagine it. I have a feeling you were also “God when-ing” during this interview.

Yes, I was. And it was a different type of “God when”. They’ve been together for 23 years, but they still sound so in love with each other. My heart was tight.

The ultimate “God when”.

My weirdest gig: I worked on a client’s profile

Amaka’s client must’ve been a Tinder Swindler wannabe because what in the inappropriate work request is going on here?

You have to read this

Nigerian women, we know what’s in your BDSM kits

What’s spanking without omorogun? Oh, you were thinking of fancy whips? Don’t bring that European nonsense into this ethnic household.

We know how to spice things up

Blessing is creating safe communities for girls through skating

For Creator Spotlight, Blessing talks about how she started Dencity as a community for girls who love doing what some people call a “masculine sport”.

Read her story

How Much Would You Be Worth As a Footballer?

This quiz said I’ll be used to do giveaway, and I’m not even offended. At least, I know who created the quiz. 👿

Take the quiz

At least, that’s what everyone kept saying in this video.

Today, everyone is clicking on:

For the Love of God, Don’t Wear Any of These Things to a First Date

If you don’t take any other thing from this list, please take that Oud perfume one seriously. Please.

🚀 Read it here

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