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The Most Chrismassy Non-Christmas Nollywood Movies Ever Made

There are movies that are about Christmas (A Naija Christmas), and then there are movies that, even though they’re about other things — scammers, weddings and evil spirits— still accurately capture the joyful Christmas feeling.

This list is perfect for those looking to try something different with the movies they watch this holiday season.

Beyoncé vs Rihanna

Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of an icon, Jesus Christ. So, it only makes sense to spend the holidays watching Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde and Nadia Buari bounce around in the crustiest wigs while playing two other icons: Beyoncé and Rihanna.

Beyoncé vs Rihanna‘s plot is unhinged, but you could at least play a drinking game and take a shot of tequila anytime Omotola or Nadia try to lip-sync or execute some weird ass dance move.

Isoken

If you plan on going on multiple dates or finding love during the holiday, watch Isoken ASAP. One of the best Nollywood romcoms of all time, Isoken is a feel-good classic about following your heart and waiting for the right person. And if, like Isoken (Dakore Egbuson), you’re looking to land a white man, December feels like the right time to step into the streets because IJGBs usually come back one or two of their colonise buddies.

Lionheart

Lionheart follows Adaeze (Genevieve Nnaji) on her quest to save her father’s company and prove to all the sexist mandem around her that she’s fit to be a leader. This is a wholesome family movie that could either trigger first daughters or make them feel seen while they navigate the stress of being second mothers this Christmas.

White Hunters

If you’re wondering why a film about women trapping white men is on a Christmas list, remember that it’s December, and IJGBs are back to throwing money like it’s nothing. Considering the fact that you earn in naira, you’d do well to snag one of them to fund your Detty December rocks, and White Hunters will teach you just how to do that.

Please don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.

Diamond Ring 2

In the sequel to Diamond Ring, Richard Mofe Damijo plays a father who’ll go to any length (including carrying a dead body) to save his thieving son, who’s haunted by a very angry Liz Benson in powdered ghost make-up.

While the film is scary AF, it truly captures the spirit of Christmas. After all, aren’t we celebrating the birth of the son God sent as a sacrifice to save his children? True fatherly love at its peak.

RECOMMENDED: 10 Types Of People You’re Likely To Meet At A Concert This December

The Wedding Party

Plenty of geles, food, fighting family members and Sola Sobowale shouting? The Wedding Party could very well be called The Christmas Party and no one would notice. Just close your eyes and imagine Banky W as Father Christmas.

The Royal Hibiscus Hotel

A chef leaves an annoying job and boss in the UK to try her hands at being a local champion chef at her dad’s hotel in Nigeria. Her plan sounds good until she realises her dad is selling the hotel to her mysterious love interest with a six-pack. Will she follow a hot man or fight for her family’s hotel?

This lowkey sounds like the plot of every Netflix Christmas movie ever made.

Kasala

Ema Edosio’s Kasala follows three friends who borrow and crash a car on the way to a party in Lagos. The film is hilarious and honest in its depiction of friendship. But for real Lagos drivers navigating chaotic traffic this December, Kasala might feel more like a documentary and less like a fictional film.

Day of Destiny

If you want to watch other people have a little adventure while you drink wine and eat chin chin, add Day of Destiny to your to-watch list this Christmas. The time-travelling comedy features Denola Adepetun and Olumide Owuru as teenagers who take a trip to the past to change their destinies after deciding that SAPA is not for them.

There’s weird CGI, cringe-acting and a cliche ending. If this doesn’t sound like a Christmas classic, then I don’t know what to say.

Sugar Rush

Three sisters have to deal with and survive the daughter of a mob king, the EFCC, a sketchy ex, a bulletproof mob boss and an invisible Lamborghini in one film. Omo, Sugar Rush has a lot happening all at once, but outside all the initial gragra, the film is truly about family and coming through for the people you love — even when hitmen are trying to unalive them.

ALSO READ: 10 Relatable Things That Signal The Arrival Of Christmas

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

December 26, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

christmas, Films, Nollywood
10 Ways You Can Escape the Trenches After Watching “Far From Home”

Get in here, guys. We’re leaving the trenches behind.

Everyone can’t stop talking about Inkblot Productions and Netflix’s new show, Far From Home, and we totally get it. The young-adult series created by Chinaza Onuzo follows Ishaya Bello, a poor boy from Isale Eko who’s down to do anything to japa from the trenches and become a superstar artist.

If just like Ishaya you’re tired of living in severe sapa, then this article is for you. Here’s a list of the easiest ways to make bastard money and escape the trenches before 2023. Take notes.

Don’t be born a Nigerian

Everyone in Nigeria is in the trenches and the last time we checked, you don’t have two heads. Your problem started the day you were born Nigerian. When next you’re choosing to be born, please and please, ask the angel to redeploy you somewhere else. Don’t choose +234 for your own good.

Be born rich

If you mistakenly end up being born into a Nigerian family, the least you can do is make sure it’s a rich one. See, if your parents are poor, today is a good day to disown them and look for new ones. No hard feelings. They’ll support your decision if they truly want the best for you.

Enter the oil and gas business

If Otedola can make money from oil and gas, what’s stopping you from becoming a billionaire too. All you need to do is start selling cooking gas and then small palm oil or vegetable oil on the side. See how simple it is? And to think everyone makes oil and gas sound like some exclusive big boys club. Don’t worry, I’ve hacked it for you.

Please, fast and pray

Ishaya did everything but fast and pray. How do you want to escape the trenches when you’re not a prayer warrior? What God cannot do does not exist.

Try a lirru bit of kidnapping

Everyone knows streets aren’t safe during the ember months, so how about using that to your advantage by stepping into your kidnapping bag. With all the IJGBs everywhere, after two or three kidnapping adventures, who knows, you might be buying a house in Banana Island by January.

Become an artist

Note how I didn’t ask you to learn how to draw or paint? I said, “Become an artist” because there’s levels when it comes to this art thing — talent is one thing, while packaging is another thing. People that just draw and paint are still in the trenches like Ishaya’s father, but you see “artists”? Omo, those ones are like Essien, touring the world and cashing checks.

RECOMMENDED: 10 Vital Organs & Fluids You Can Sell To Escape Sapa

Manifest Dangote’s money into your account

Why spend all your time working for money when you can just manifest Dangote’s money into your account? This is what we mean by working smarter, not harder. Dangote has done all the work, so just go out into the rain or light candles and manifest everyday until your account balance increases.

Become a sugar baby

Falling in love is a great feeling. But you know what feels better, and could help you leave the trenches? Finding a glucose guardian that has bastard money. You might have to give some sugar here and there like Adufe on Far From Home, but at least you won’t have to choose between warming the beans from yesterday or drinking garri without milk and sugar.

Like ~~Shakespeare~~ Davido once said, “Love is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.”

Create your own currency

If CBN can use Snapchat filters to design Nigeria’s currency, who says you can’t make your own currency? All you need is ink and plenty of A4 paper. Good luck!

Plan a dinner with Jay Z

Everyone on Twitter is always talking about how dinner with Jay Z is more valuable than $1m, and they’re not wrong. You don’t need money to be bastardly rich and escape the trenches; you need little nuggets of wisdom from Beyoncé’s husband.

ALSO READ: Seyi Vibez Misses the Trenches But Doesn’t Regret Leaving

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

December 23, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

entertainment, netflix, Nollywood, Tv shows
2022 Was the Year of Streaming and These 10 Actors Drained Our Data

2022 has been an incredible year for Nollywood. From the arrival of a new streaming platform to an action film that actually had audiences by the neck, I think it’s time to admit that Nollywood ate this year.

While the jump to consume more streaming content took a lot of our data and almost made us bankrupt, some Nollywood actors and their performances made all that time and money worth our while.

Genovevah Umeh — Blood Sisters and Far From Home

Stealing the show from an ensemble cast of heavyweights like Kate Henshaw, Ramsey Nouah, Kehinde Bankole and Gabriel Afolayan is no easy feat. But that’s the heist Genovevah Umeh successfully pulled off on EbonyLife’s Blood Sisters. With eyes that said much more than any dialogue could convey, Genovevah’s performance turned what could’ve been a caricature into a fully fleshed-out human.

Genovevah is undoubtedly the breakout star of 2022.

Meg Otanwa — For Maria: Ebun Pataki

Meg Otanwa is the only actor with one film on this list, but anyone who’s seen her performance in For Maria: Ebun Pataki will tell you that one role was all she needed to end 2022 on a high. Diving deeper than any actor I’ve seen in a while, Meg’s nuanced turn as Derin, a young mother struggling with postpartum depression, had the internet talking and researching for weeks.

This was the role of a lifetime, and Meg Otanwa definitely matched it with the year’s best performance.

Odunlade Adekola — King of Thieves and Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman

Odunlade Adekola is more than just a meme king; in 2022, it’s clear he wants you to know that. As the imposing Oba Adegbite Tadenikaro in the Yoruba revenge epic, King of Thieves, Odunlade turns the humour down but still makes his character charismatic and unforgettable.

While his “Father Christmas” beard in Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman might be unnerving, it takes nothing from Odunlade’s commanding work as the film’s conflicted titular character, a performance that’s one of 2022’s best.

Bimbo Ademoye — Anikulapo, Iya Barakat Teropi Secxxion and Selina

Bimbo Ademoye is the gift that keeps on giving. Since grabbing my attention with her colourful role in 2019’s Sugar Rush, Bimbo has consistently delivered incredible performances, even when the film’s plot happens to be the weapon fashioned against her.

While Bimbo has been hailed for her comedic timing, her dramatic and seductive turn as Queen Arolake was one of the best parts of Kunle Afolayan’s confused Anikulapo. PS: If you’re here for the hilarious Bimbo, her Instagram skit turned web series, Iya Barakat Teropi Secxxion will have you spitting out your food in laughter.

Uzoamaka Aniunoh — Juju Stories and Diiche

Uzoamaka Aniunoh makes her way through each project, making choices and doing things that feel natural for whatever character she’s playing. It’s acting that’s more like being. While I’ve wondered out loud why Nigerian TV shows don’t have the same pull they had in the past, Uzoamaka’s role as Inspector Ijeoma Anene on Diiche happens to be one of the few performances that restores my faith in television.

RECOMMENDED: The Biggest 2022 International Collabs Ranked from “Flop” to “Bop”

Deyemi Okanlawon — Blood Sisters and Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman

Deyemi Okanlawon is quickly turning into the Noah Centineo of Nollywood, but I can’t be mad because the man can actually act. Marking attendance on not just one but two major Netflix releases (the third, Far From Home, drops this December) in one year is a major flex for any actor, but all the flexing Deyemi does happen on screen.

As Olunde in Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman, Deyemi is dutiful and loyal, a far cry from his terrifying and unforgivable turn as Kola in Blood Sisters.

Bisola Aiyeola — Dwindle, Flawsome and Dinner at My Place

It’s hard to fault Nollywood producers who cast former reality TV stars in films when Bisola Aiyeola continues to hit her roles out of the park. An actress with incredible range, Bisola can make her audience laugh like they’re at a stand-up show in one scene and still make them cry like they’ve been served breakfast in the next. I’m waiting for a role that fully utilises her talents because that role hasn’t been written yet.

Daniel Etim Effiong — Collision Course, Blood Sisters and Selina

What can I do when an actor I like is cast in a role I dislike that’s also the centrepiece of a movie I can’t stand? If the acting works, I have no choice but to give this actor his flowers. And yes, Daniel Etim Effiong’s acting works in the deeply upsetting police-sympathy drama, Collision Course. I just wish he wasn’t in it.

That being said, Daniel’s roles in Blood Sisters and Selina slightly make up for the Bolanle Austen-Peters blunder.

Gabriel Afolayan — For Maria: Ebun Pataki, Blood Sisters and U Turn

If we’re keeping it one hundred, Gabriel Afolayan would make any list of the best performances of the year for just about any role, and with his eyes closed. He stays committed to every character and keeps it interesting, even when the film is undeserving of his talent. Thankfully, in 2022, Gabriel got the chance to sink his teeth into a wide variety of juicy roles, and he ate everything up.

From the supportive albeit confused husband in For Maria: Ebun Pataki to the scheming and overlooked brother on Blood Sisters, Gabriel created completely different characters whose only similarity was the actor that played them.

Tina Mba — For Maria: Ebun Pataki, U-Turn and Finding Hubby 2

Very few actresses command the screen like Tina Mba, even in minor supporting roles. While it could’ve been easy to dislike her as the mother-in-law in For Maria: Ebun Pataki, Tina plays the role with such dedication that we can’t’t help but understand her character’s point of view — right or wrong.

A memorable scene I can’t get over is when she sprinkles anointing oil around her daughter-in-law’s room and then uses some on her breast to get her to lactate. It’s totally uncomfortable to watch, but it’s still the most Nigerian mother thing ever.

ALSO READ: We Checked, and These Are the Best Nollywood Films of 2022…So Far

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

December 13, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

Blood Sisters, netflix, nigerian filmmaking, Nollywood
8 Cool Things You Missed While Watching “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever is out, and I can’t keep calm about it. One of the most anticipated films of 2022, this sequel manages to be action-packed and grounded in emotion at the same time. Between the drama and fight scenes, here are some moments you might’ve missed watching Black Panther: Wakanda Forever.

Shuri and Killmonger have similar Black Panther suits

Shuri and Killmonger have a lot in common, being two people who became Black Panthers out of a desire to avenge the deaths of their loved ones. A cool move the film made to point to this similarity is seen in the design of Shuri’s suit. Just like Killmonger’s, hers has gold details, while her brother, T’Challa’s suit had silver details.

The film’s reference to Chadwick’s actual death

Chadwick Boseman’s death in 2020 was a massive surprise to his fans and most of the Black Panther cast. The actor allegedly hid his colon cancer diagnosis from everyone on set and worked through the pain. Referencing this silence in a scene between Shuri and Namor, Shuri mentions her brother “suffered in silence” and didn’t reach out to her for help until it was too late.

Ironheart and Iron Man have more in common than you think

Yes, Riri Williams is set to replace the massive iron-sized hole in our hearts after Tony Stark, a.k.a Iron Man, died in Avengers: Endgame. But did you also notice she’s a Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) student, just like Stark was, as revealed in Captain America: Civil War? Fun educational fact.

Chadwick Boseman’s real birthday makes an appearance

In a blink-and-you-’ll-miss-it moment, Wakanda Forever references Chadwick Boseman’s birthday towards the end of the film, when Okoye rescues Agent Ross. If you look closely at the plate number of the car he’s locked in, you’ll see the plate number “CB112976”, a direct reference to Chadwick’s birthday — November 19, 1976.

RECOMMENDED: 7 Must Listen Songs on the New Black Panther Soundtrack

Guess the comedian who voices Shuri’s AI, Griot?

If your money was on The Daily Show Host, Trevor Noah, you’re absolutely correct.

Namor might signal the arrival of the X-Men

While sharing the backstory of how he became the Serpent King, Namor refers to himself as a mutant, a term that isn’t common in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. But with X-Men moving into the MCU space just like Spiderman did, Namor’s statement might imply that Marvel Studios is ready to fully explore their mutant characters moving forward.

Is M’Baku a vegetarian for real?

One funny scene from the first Black Panther was when M’Baku threatened to feed Agent Ross to his children before revealing he was joking because his family are vegetarians. In Wakanda Forever, we see M’Baku eating carrots at least twice during the film, which might hint he’s actually vegetarian.

References to the upcoming Antman film

While it was cool to have actual CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper break most of the fictional news on TV in Wakanda Forever, his presence might’’ve distracted you from reading the headlines on the screen. In one scene, while announcing Queen Ramonda’s death, we can see a headline that references Scott Lang, AKA Antman, stating that the superhero is now a celebrity based on his memoir. This seems random, but since the next Marvel film is Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantomania, I doubt it’s a coincidence.

Shuri remembers M’Baku’s diss

Shuri never forgets. In a tender scene between the new Black Panther and M’Baku after her mother’s burial, Shuri reminds the towering M’Baku of the time he referred to her as a “child who scoffs at tradition”. However, things are good between them, as M’Baku advises Shuri against succumbing to her grief and thirst for revenge.

ALSO READ: “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” Is Great, But Some Things Are Off

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 15, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

Black Panther, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Easter Eggs, Marvel, Movies
15 WTF Nigerian Reality TV Moments We’ll Never Forget

Say what you want about reality TV, but as someone who lives for drama and messiness, they’re the gifts that keep giving. Whether it’s housemates fighting in the Big Brother Naija house or singers crying after being rejected from a singing show, reality TV has given some truly memorable moments.

Here are some reality TV show moments that still live rent free in our heads and either make us cringe or burst into laughter from time to time.

Rita’s debate on Koko Mansion (2009)

No one remembers Koko Mansion these days , but one popular moment that has been burnt into my memory is this clip where one of the show’s contestants gbagauning back to back like it’s no one’s business. Such an iconic throwback pop culture moment.

Viral “bunch of women” video from Judging Matters (2022)

You have to be living under a rock not to have heard at least one viral soundbite from this episode of Judging Matters. People say “men are scum” all the time, but after listening to this woman narrate all her husband put her through, I believe this man is at the top of the scum totem pole. As sad as her story was, “what a life?” and “bunch of women” quickly turned the clip into TikTok gold.

Ozo’s failed attempt to kiss Nengi on Big Brother Naija (2020)

Probably one of the most cringeworthy moments in Big Brother Naija history, Ozo’s attempt to kiss Nengi and the way she curved him lives rent free in my head. I still haven’t gotten over the secondhand embarrassment I felt that night. And let’s just say Dorathy and Vee’s reactions haven’t made it easy for me to forget either.

Cee-C vs all the other housemates on Big Brother Naija (2018)

Cee-C the troublemaker. This babe terrorised everyone while she was a contestant on Big Brother Double Wahala and I lived for every moment. Whether it was dragging Tobi daily, almost breaking Lolu’s balls or fighting Alex, Koko and Nina, Cee-C was the ultimate entertainer that year. I stan a messy queen.

Mercy’s iconic “I just want to relas and be taken kiaruf” line on Mercy and Ike (2020)

I don’t know what motivated Mercy to say this on her Big Brother spinoff show with Ike, Mercy and Ike. But as a tired Nigerian, I get it. I, too, would like to relass and be taken kairuf. Thanks.

Caroline and Laura’s fight on Real Housewives of Lagos (2022)

I just want to use this opportunity to thank the team behind The Real Housewives of Lagos for serving us premium drama in 2022. While the show had a lot of chaotic moments, nothing topped Caroline and Laura’s fight after weeks of strategic shading and premeditated violence. Someone was accused of sleeping with politicians to sell books, another person was accused of sleeping with “small small boys” and wigs were thrown all over the place — ingredients for a perfect Real Housewives showdown, if you ask me.

Alex crying like a widow because of Leo on Big Brother Naija (2018)

While Alex and Leo from the Big Brother Double Wahala season were a cute couple, nothing prepared me for just how badly she took his eviction from the show. This babe went into full Hilda Dokubo mode as if her husband had just been killed in the evil forest.

Girl, he was evicted, not murdered, why this?

Aroma, the first guy to win ₦10m on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (2009)

I can still remember talking about this episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? in class the next day, while in secondary school. Aroma winning the grand prize on the show felt like a victory for ALL Nigerians. I wonder where he is today and if that ₦10 million is still remaining small.

RECOMMENDED: 10 Types of People You’ll Find in the BBNaija House

“Oh God, why?” on Nigeria Got Talent (2014)

This is one of those reality TV show moments where you want to feel bad for a contestant, but you just can’t hold back the laughter. After failing to impress judges on Nigeria Got Talent, this contestant had an emotional, but lowkey hilarious breakdown in the corner of the stage. I really want other people to watch and laugh so I can rest well knowing I’m not the only one who won’t make heaven.

BBNaija Lockdown Reunion on Big Brother Naija (2021)

Big Brother Naija is chaotic AF by design, but shit gets ten times more insane when each set of contestants come back for the reunion show the following year. Having had time to watch clips from the main show, the contestants from the Lockdown season went ham, dragging each other for filth. Ka3na accused Praise of being a one-minute man, Vee admitted to being a witch, Kiddwaya showed up looking like Jon Snow and blowjobs in the house were blown out of proportion. Those reunion episodes had me in a chokehold for weeks.

Erica and Gordons Gin vs. Laycon on Big Brother Naija (2020)

If there’s one thing Erica’s attack on Laycon taught me, it’s to stay away from Gordons Dry Gin. Omo, that drink turned Stargirl Erica into Savage Erica and I’m still shook till today.

Caroline and Chioma’s surprise fall out on Real Housewives of Lagos (2022)

Caroline and Chioma’s fallout was one fight I didn’t see coming after weeks of watching The Real Housewives of Lagos. These women were best friend goals at the start of the show, but like Tiannah Styling said, “Loyalties do shifty sometimes.”

I’m still rooting for them, and I hope they settle their beef on or before the next season. Please my faves, make it work for Conrad.

Hilarious cover of Chris Brown’s Don’t Judge Me on Project Fame (2014)

Honestly, I don’t wanna go there either.

Liquorose’s Saturday night dance moves on Big Brother Naija (2021)

We can’t talk about Saturday night parties in the Big Brother Naija Shine Ya Eye house without talking about Liquorose’s moves. This babe danced like she was on Maltina Danceall or Stomp the Yard every Saturday from the week she landed to the week she was evicted. C for consistency.

Seyi Shay and the singer who can never make it, on Nigerian Idol (2021)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG316o17qVc

You can’t come on a singing show and expect judges to lie to you about your performance. It’s crazy that when Seyi Shay told a contestant to quit singing and stick to writing, her statement divided Nigerians. I can confidently say that I’m #TeamSeyiShay on this. If you can’t stand the heat, go to the parlour — or whatever they say.

ALSO READ: These Chaotic Reality Shows Need to Make Their Way to Nigeria ASAP!

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 11, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

big brother naija, entertainment, Nigerian Idol, Real Housewives of Lagos, television
10 Ways to Use Your “Abobaku” Privilege From “Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman”

What would you do if you knew you’d die tomorrow, and everyone was obligated to fulfil all your wishes? This question sets the stage for Netflix’s Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman, an adaptation of Wole Soyinka’s classic play, Death and the King’s Horseman.

While the film’s title character, the Elesin, makes some big mistakes as the story unfolds, we can’t help but wonder about all the things we would do if we had the Abobaku privileges he had.

Try all the creamy pasta in Lagos

Imagine eating all the creamy pasta you can manage without emptying your bank account and your parents’ pension too? As the Elesin, you can ask all the restaurants to bring the most expensive pasta for food tasting in your house.

Have your face on the new naira notes

Word on the street is Meffy baby and the Central Bank team are launching an arts and craft department to redesign the naira notes out of boredom. Even though the naira faints every two to three days, having your face on it is a good way to be remembered. Just make sure it’s on an important note, like the ₦500 or ₦1k, because the others might go out of circulation soon.

Change your university result to a first class

It’s never too late to say you graduated from university with a first class. Do results matter in the afterlife? I highly doubt it. But who cares? You’re still a first class student and that’s on period.

Hang out with the Otedolas on their yacht

Not everyone gets to hang out with Daddy Cuppy AKA Femi Ote$. For once in your life, you’ll get to eat like, and with, a billionaire. If you ever get tired of rich people gist, you could easily bounce Otedola and invite your friends instead.

RECOMMENDED: We Won’t Rest Until Someone Turns These Iconic Nigerian Plays Into Movies

Organise a special concert with your faves

Imagine a music concert featuring Wizkid, Burna Boy, Tiwa Savage and Davido. Not only will it be free, but it’ll also be private, with the artists actually showing up on time and singing live just to honour you. This is what people mean when they say, “Celebration of life”.

Demand for the presidential candidates’ real ages

This one is not for you; it’s for the Nigerian people. How can a politician who’s been in politics since our grandparents were in primary school come out to say he’s just 70 years old? The maths is not mathing. Kindly take one for the team and force these politicians to submit their original birth certificates so we can know who’s who ahead of the elections.

Hold a pageant to choose a new spouse

Why settle for an average person when you can host a beauty pageant and select the winner as your husband or wife? You only die once, so make the best of your upcoming death.

Erect life-like statues in every state

What’s the difference between an Elesin and a national hero? Nothing. As someone who’s dying for the people, you deserve to have your statue at the entrance of every state in the country, to remind everyone of your sacrifice.

Force Elon Musk to verify your Twitter account for free

We heard Elon Musk is about to charge people on Twitter to get verified. But as an Elesin, you don’t have to pay anyone $8 for a blue tick. Just tell Elon Musk to make it happen ASAP.

Sleep

Imagine how different Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman would’ve been if the Elesin had stayed in one place and slept until it was time to die. There’s no use doing anything crazy when you’re literally going to die the next day. Just relax, eat some ice cream and sleep.

Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman is currently streaming on Netflix.

ALSO READ: Aníkúlápó: 8 Ways You Can Use Saro’s Powers to Solve Your Problems

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 10, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

netflix
We Won’t Rest Until Someone Turns These Iconic Nigerian Plays Into Movies

Nigerian playwrights have been killing it for decades. But while Nollywood has been known to adapt a couple of books, they haven’t really touched plays. But with Netflix releasing Wole Soyinka’s Elesin Oba: The King’s Horseman, I decided to bring up some other plays that need to make their way to the big screen ASAP.

Our Husband Has Gone Mad Again

Nollywood has shown time and time again that they love making comedies, so Ola Rotimi’s classic, Our Husband Has Gone Mad Again, feels like the perfect fit for the industry right now. The hilarious play follows Lejoka-Brown, a politician whose life goes to shit when his American wife comes to Nigeria and finds out he has two other locally-based wives.

The play gives serious Fuji House of Commotion vibes, and there’s no way audiences won’t fall out of their seats laughing.

Ada The Country

Written by Poet Laureate Titilope Sonuga, Ada The Country is a profoundly moving musical about different women dealing with various traumas. I saw it once in Lagos with Joke Silva, Patience Ozorkwor, Kate Henshaw, Chigurl, Lala Akindoju and Ade Laoye. Let’s say a hard guy like me was in tears by the time they were done.

For a film adaptation to slap, they must bring the original stage cast because they all knocked their roles out of the park.

The Lion and the Jewel

Wole Soyinka is the brains behind this thrilling tale of love and evolution. First performed in 1959, The Lion and the Jewel tells the story of Baroka, the titular lion who will do anything to win over the beautiful Sidi as his wife. But to get Sidi, he has to go through Lakunle, a man looking to modernise his community.

Yes, Tunde Kelani has done a version of the film titled Sídí Ìlújinlẹ̀, but I’d kill to see a new interpretation of the film with Bimbo Ademoye and Lateef Adedimeji as Sídí and Lakunle. Nollywood, let’s make it happen.

The Gods Are Not To Blame

If you’re old enough to remember the Super Story version of this play with Bukky Wright, then, just like me, maybe it’s time for you to get married. The Gods Are Not To Blame is a literary classic by Ola Rotimi that tells the tragic story of Prince Odewale, who literally kills his dad and marries his mum. It’s a long story, so beg Nollywood to make it into a film if you’d like the full gist.

RECOMMENDED: 5 Nollywood Films That Capture The Chaos Of Living In Lagos

Saro: The Musical

I’m a sucker for musicals and stories about hustling, so it just makes sense to have Saro: The Musical on this list. Even outside of my personal preferences, Saro: The Musical is a hilarious and heartwarming play about four friends who decide to look for the proverbial greener pastures in Lagos.

There’s romance, crazy dance sequences and lofty dreams all set against the backdrop of Lagos traffic and wahala. Thankfully, unlike the other Saro, no one takes their wife fi eediat in this musical, so no need for revenge or anything like that.

Wedlock of the Gods

If you thought Romeo and Juliet were dramatic AF with this love thing, then you haven’t met Ogwoma and Uloko from Zulu Sofola’s Wedlock of the Gods. It’s easy to see that their relationship ended in tears just by looking at the hardback cover of the play.

There’s a lot of drama, “awws” and intrigue in Wedlock of the Gods, so I can only imagine the atmosphere in the cinema if the play ever got made into a movie.

Hangmen Also Die

Stories told through flashbacks always slap because they make us more curious about how characters ended up where they are today. Hangmen Also Die by Esiaba Irobi follows the brief histories of seven young men about to die by hanging for the murder of a prominent man in their community.

The suspense alone from Hangmen Also Die is enough to drive anyone crazy.

ALSO READ: How Damilola Orimogunje and Meg Otanwa Made “For Maria”, a Nollywood Game Changer

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 7, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop
All of You Are Right. Anime Is for Kids

Every two business days, someone drops a hot take that anime is for kids, and you know what? They’re right. Only children would want to watch a bunch of characters run around and fight people that are not fighting them. That’s peak joblessness. Here’s all the proof you need that anime is for kids.

Anime is too soft and emotional

As an adult, why are you watching something that’ll make you feel warm when news channels exist? You better call all the kids in your neighbourhood together so they can watch Grave of Fireflies or Attack on Titan. Those are the kinds of shows only kids deserve to see abi?

RELATED: QUIZ: Which Anime Character Are You According to Your State of Origin?

The main characters are kids, so only kids can relate to them

No, think about it; how can you relate to a twelve-year-old boy looking for his dad and gallivanting around with his little friend with no troubles whatsoever? What’s realistic about that? As an adult, why would you be watching Hunter X Hunter? What life lessons can you gain? Please rethink your life choices.

See, they totally agree

When characters die, it’s cute

We all know that death is not cute in real life. Indeed since anime is for kids, they’ll avoid the grimness of death, right? It’s not like they show splattered blood in Chainsaw Man or a half-eaten, Gala-looking human being in Attack on Titan. No, they just put soft flowers around the cute dead character. People don’t just explode after becoming curses because of some evil antagonist. It’s for kids, nau.

Anime has the softest themes

I mean, it’s a genre for kids; it’s totally okay for kids to watch a psychopath that kill people for fun by writing their names in a black book based on his moral high horse. It’s not like seeing Ryuk from Death Note will scar them for life or anything. Just pure wholesomeness and clear blue skies.

All they do is go on little quests to activate the power of friendship

What’s the fun in watching something like that? Only kids enjoy watching cartoons. It’s not like anime characters are known for occasionally trying to kill their friends over small things. In fact, I recommend letting kids watch Devilman Crybaby to experience true friendship at its peak.

awww besties

Hentai is age-appropriate for kids

You definitely want to interrupt your kid’s regular programming of cococmelon with possibly tentacle sex scenes in anime. I mean, sex education should be taught early, abi? So what if they show a lot of problematic stuff? A genre for kids can do no wrong.

Violence is always the answer

Now come on, that child in your life shouldn’t still be watching stuffed animals teach them life lessons that help them grow to be kind people. They need to watch anime series about a man who occasionally turns into a person with a chainsaw for a head and a chainsaw on his arms to help him fight devils. Yep. That’s something I’d definitely let a child see before they go to bed.

READ ALSO: Everyone Who Watches Anime Has Met One of These 10 Types of Anime Fans

Malakai Bassey

November 5, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

anime, kids, Pop, Sarcasm
Aníkúlápó: 8 Ways You Can Use Saro’s Powers to Solve Your Problems

Everyone is talking about Kunle Afolayan’s latest Netflix fim, Aníkúlápó and its lead character, Saro, a man who could raise people from the dead. While being able to stroll into a cemetary to summon folks like Michael Jackson in Thriller sounds cool, we can’t help but think of some more pressing Nigerian problems that could benefit from a little revival here and there.

Raise your account from the dead

This is the first thing you’ll do the moment Akalo, the mystical bird, gives you the power of resurrection. No time to waste, just an immediate japa from poverty to Dangote-level wealth. The funniest part is you probably won’t tell anybody the source of your wealth before they pour sand inside your Ijebu garri.

Become a tech bro

Every three market days, some tech company comes on Aki and PawPaw’s internet to inform us they’ve raised millions of dollars in funding, and everyone starts running helter-skelter looking for tech jobs. But with Saro’s powers, you won’t have to apply for a tech job. You could just raise your own dollars yourself and replace the likes of Odunayo Eweniyi and Timi Ajiboye as the happening tech bro.

Raise the naira from the trenches

Remember when it was ₦150 to $1 and we were complaining and asking for ₦1 to $1? Omo, this is a serious case of “had I known” because the way the naira has fallen into the trenches over the past few years can give someone high BP. What’s the point of reviving your bank account if the naira is still swimming in disgrace? Better wake our national currency so that life can go back to normal for everybody.

Raise the national grid every time it collapses

Aren’t you tired of hearing that the national grid has collapsed every three Eke market days? You’ll be out here making plans and the next thing you know, the national grid will faint and leave you without power until further notice. Enough is enough. The national grid collapsing wouldn’t be a problem if you had Saro’s powers. Think about it.

We also wrote: These 7 Nigerian Legends Would Totally Slap as Superheroes

Invest in bread

If there’s one thing Nigerians must eat, it’s bread. The best thing to do the moment you realise you have Saro’s resurrection powers is to buy the first bakery you see. No jokes. Who needs ovens or yeast when you could look at flour and command it to rise just like that? Less manpower, less equipment, but plenty of profits. Do the maths, dear.

Raise your boring love life from the dead

This is for single people struggling to find romance in this tough rainy season. Imagine having the power to summon your love life from the great beyond and not using it? Just be careful so that love and romance will not land you in hot trouble like Saro sha.

Raise your bumbum

Yes, Victony and Burna Boy both told us that bumbum comes in different sizes, but there’s nothing wrong about wanting a bigger bumbum to intimidate your enemies and the internet. The power of resurrection means raising things up, so if you can raise a dead body up, why can’t you raise your bumbum too? Common sense.

Raise Nigeria from the ghetto

We don’t even have to do too much explaining when it comes to this one. The proof is in the akamu. If your Saro powers don’t work here, you can join us in putting Nigeria inside raw rice. Hopefully, we can restore our country’s factory settings together.

Kunle Afolayan’s Anikulapo is currently streaming on Netflix.

You can also read: How to Make a Badass Nollywood Action Film, According to “Brotherhood” Scriptwriter, Abdul Tijani-Ahmed

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 4, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

Anikulapo, netflix, Nollywood films
How to Survive If You Find Yourself in an Old Nollywood Horror Film

It’s Halloween season, and while a lot of people like to mock Old Nollywood for their weird CGI and crazy plot twists, I think they made some of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen.

As someone who loves the horror genre, I’ve gone back to watch some of these movies, so I can give you tips on how to survive them if by any chance you find yourself haunted by a demon baby or tempted to sacrifice your spouse for money.

Let’s go.

Diamond Ring

Diamond Ring is one of the many reasons I don’t play with dead people. The film follows Chidi, played by Teju Babyface (emphasis on the “baby face” here) and the misfortunes that follow him and his friends after they steal a diamond ring from a dead Liz Benson.

How to survive this film: Keep your hands to yourself. Even if you want to steal, is it from a dead person? What happened to having small shame?

Nneka the Pretty Serpent

While I’m not a big fan of the 2020 remake, I have to admit the original Nneka the Pretty Serpent slaps hard. The film follows two different men whose lives are turned upside down when they start cheating on their partners with Nneka, a woman who was born after a chicken was sacrificed — it’s a long story, just read this recap.

How to survive this film: Keep your penis in one place. If you don’t go cheating up and down like a harlot, there’s a high chance you’ll be fine.

Mark of the Beast

In Mark of the Beast, Satan sends his son to come fuck things up for the people on earth. But honestly, the whole wahala started because Enebeli Elebuwa lost his baby and decided to exchange it with a random baby at the hospital behind his wife’s back.

How to survive this film: Don’t take random babies from the hospital. Adoption is great, but follow the appropriate process to avoid hot tears.

Full Moon

In Full Moon, Regina Askia plays Lucy, a discount version of Storm from X-Men, who gets her power from the moon and turns her uncles into pillars of salt just like Lot’s wife. They’re not innocent, though. These men killed her parents all because they wanted the family’s oil-rich land for themselves.

How to survive this film: Don’t be the greedy fool who kills their brother because you want to sell their land to a coloniser. Blood is thicker than oil — I think.

Living in Bondage

Living in Bondage follows Andy, played by Kenneth Okonkwo, who is poor AF and deeply frustrated by his life in the trenches — this was before Buhari, by the way. To solve his problems, he joins a cult and sacrifices his loyal girlfriend, Merit, for unlimited funds. Like every other Nollywood film, Andy’s life starts turning on its own after the sacrifice is completed.

How to survive this film: Don’t marry a poor man with potential, to avoid getting used for blood sacrifice. It’s as easy as one, two, three.

RECOMMENDED: How to Avoid Being Used for Rituals, According to Nollywood

Igodo

Igodo is the male version of Egg of Life. The film follows a group of men who venture into the evil forest to get a magical cutlass that will put an end to the deaths in their village. Long story short, only one man makes it out alive.

How to survive this film: Pack your load and run when people start dying in your village. I’m sure that’s not the only village in the fictional state. Run before they nominate you to go into the evil forest.

The Oracle

The Oracle follows Old Nollywood panty-droppers, Saint Obi, Ejike Asiegbu and Charles Okafor as armed robbers. Their lives start to go downhill after they steal an old statue and sell it to a Filipino man cosplaying as white.

How to survive this film: Don’t play with spiritual statues or figurines. Why are you stealing something from a shrine at your big age?

Witches

Witches is about a woman named Princess, played by Liz Benson. After abandoning her fabulous witch coven because of a man, she ends up barren and eventually stuck with a demon baby. The film is even more iconic because of this chaotic accident scene that lives rent free in my head:

How to survive this film: If you want to survive Witches, I’d advise you to avoid men and cling to your coven. You can’t eat your cake and have it.

End of the Wicked

End of the Wicked just has a lot of wild things going on for no reason. From kids eating a man’s spinal cord, a woman conjuring a penis to rape her daughter-in-law, to a dog eating someone’s womb and Alex Osifo drinking blood like it’s jolly juice — it probably was.

How to survive this film: Omo, you’re on your own. I have absolutely no idea.

ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide To Making A Nigerian Horror Movie

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

October 30, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

Living in Bondage, Nneka the Pretty Serpent, Old Nollywood, Pop
African Animation Is on the Rise, and These 7 Shorts Prove It

First, Nollywood to the world, then — to a much more explosive degree — Afrobeats. If the sheer amount of films submitted from across Africa, for screening at the just concluded Lagos International Festival of Animation (LIFANIMA) 2022, is anything to go by, animation could be next.

Let’s just say we predict that the global takeover of African animation is only a matter of time, and we’ve gathered our proof below.

SIP

My first impression of SIP was, “No way this isn’t a Pixar film.” Made in Nigeria by Magic Carpet Studios, it’s the story of a freelance artist stuck at his home workstation, struggling with endless deadlines and a coffee addiction — if this isn’t the most relatable plotline in the 2022 we live in. The only difference is the main character decides to be a better person, stop missing deadlines and, because he’s on a roll, break up with coffee. But coffee did not gree o. It came to life to literally force itself down the poor artist’s throat, and that’s how a whole fight between a man and his coffee started. SIP runs almost completely without dialogue, but at 11 minutes, it’s short, sweet and funny in a dark way.

Malika – Warrior Queen

Adapted from a comic book series of the same name, by YouNeek Studios, this animated film is so good we had to recommend it twice. Everything slaps, from the animation and colouring to sound effects and voice acting by faves like Adesua Etomi-Wellington and Deyemi Okanlawon. But the fight scenes, in particular, were well-choreographed.

Malika – Warrior Queen showcases Northern Nigerian culture in a powerful, modern light. Queen, and military commander, Malika is a compelling lead character who reminds one of the iconic Amina of Zaria. Her demeanour, strength and courage despite how young she is, will be especially inspiring to young African girls. When the end credits start rolling out, you’ll want to join the band of people furious at EbonyLife for not ordering a full season.

Super Dad

Another no-dialogue, highly-relatable animation short from Magic Carpet Studios, the graphics and everyday humour of Super Dad is reminiscent of popular western cartoons like Gumball and Loudhouse. It’s also interesting to watch a man take care of his baby, a role some believe to be entirely for women.

RECOMMENDED: Just Imagine: We Made a K-pop Girl Group With Your Fave Nigerian Gen-Z Stars

Halima’s Vote

Adapted from a children’s book, Halima’s Vote delivers the message of “voting with a conscience” clearly. The visuals are simple but rather pleasant to watch, kinda like those Bible cartoons we watched as children. The conflict between Halima’s husband, the de facto leader (more like political thug) and the village is interesting, considering Halima is lowkey a progressive feminist. Watching her find her voice — while singing, of course — is deeply satisfying. Basement Animation Studios received funding from the MacArthur Foundation to make Halima’s Vote, but if you don’t stay for the good message, the songs in this Disney-esque musical should hold your attention.

A Kalabanda Ate My Homework

As the title implies, this is an extremely funny short film. Made in Uganda by Creatures Animation Studio, A Kalabanda Ate My Homework delivers clean and well-paced animation similar to 3D Nickelodeon cartoons like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While the story doesn’t exactly give room for context — I mean, what the heck is a “kalabanda”? — it manages to remain engaging till the end.

League of Orishas

Lovers of anime, this is for you. This animated series brings the Yoruba orishas to life, and what’s more amazing than being able to tell our ancient mythology in modern ways? League of Orishas is all about 3D orishas fighting different element-bending battles for different reasons. It reminds me of Dragonball but with less-quality graphics. Anthill Studios might have some way to go in terms of matching anime quality, but League of Orishas is an enjoyable watch still, and already has a second episode (looking at you, Malika – Warrior Queen).

AMI

From the maker of the eerie bird that raised Saro back to life in Kunle Afolayan’s Anikulapo, AMI is an animated film to watch. While the characters and world around them look like something out of Grand Theft Auto, it’s the animation of the car chases, in this action thriller set in Lagos’ political underbelly, that really impresses. AMI is a good-quality Yoruba film but fully animated. What’s not to love?

LOVED THAT? READ THIS: This Nigerian Cartoon Is So Awesome It Teaches Kids About Female Empowerment

Lolade Alaka

October 28, 2022

Movies & TV, Pop

animation, Nigerian