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Let’s face it: with most men, it takes a major health scare to get us to prioritise our well-being. At least, this is exactly what happened to these six guys who share the experiences that made them ditch public clippers and invest in their own personal grooming tools.
Ademola*
My barber wasn’t around, so I tried this new guy who just opened a spot on our street. Everything seemed brand new, making me less insistent on watching him sterilise the clipper. Two days after the cut, I started having a terrible itch on my head. Initially, I ignored it. I thought it was just a regular itch that would go away. Then, the rash started spreading and became painful to touch. Eventually, I had to go to the hospital when over-the-counter medication didn’t work. I felt embarrassed when the doctor asked if I had a personal clipper, and I said no. I bought one on my way home from the hospital.
Dayo*
I got my clipper during COVID. I went to my barber’s to cut my hair, and he got into a heated argument about how the coronavirus was propaganda and just a way for the government to embezzle money. Something about the way he argued made me doubt if he took any health and safety precautions in his salon. The next time I went to the shop, I had my clipper.
Ibrahim*
My barber’s sterilising kit fell off the table, and I helped him pick it up. In the process, the content spilt, and I found out this guy only had water and soap in the container. I was so livid and went into a long argument about how he was endangering customers’ lives. This guy didn’t seem remorseful at all. He said something along the lines of, “If you dey fear, buy your own clipper.” It was a sub, but it was also the call I needed to buy a personal clipper.
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Jerry*
I once had a deep cut while my barber was shaping my hair, and blood was all over. The barber sterilised the clipper with mentholated spirit, but it didn’t seem like it was enough. Something about getting injured by an object that had been used by so many other people was deeply unsettling. In that moment, I kept wondering how many other customers had had similar accidents and if the wishy-washy sterilising process was all the barber did. I eventually gave him money to help me buy a brand-new personal clipper.
Johnson*
I watched this HIV sensitisation programme on TV, and there was this guy who recounted how he’d gotten infected with the disease from a haircut. I realised how stupid and careless I’d been not to have a personal clipper. I didn’t have money to buy one then, so I went without a haircut until I saved up enough to buy a clipper.
Adekunle*
I went to cut my hair, and the guy before me had a terrible rash on his head. It was such a disturbing sight, and I almost walked out of the salon to come back another time. After the cut, my barber sterilised the clipper, but I wasn’t satisfied with how he did it. I told him to also use a lighter to burn the clipper blade for proper sterilisation, but he said there was no need because the spirit had done the job. After my cut that day, I knew I had to get a personal clipper.
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common sexual concern for men, especially older men prone to cardiovascular diseases and medications with side effects that affect sexual performance.
For men’s health awareness month, I spoke with five men who share what it’s like to keep their sexual lives active despite their challenges with erectile dysfunction.
Johnson*, 45
I was diagnosed with stage two hypertension after I turned 40 and have been on blood pressure medication ever since. A major side effect is erectile dysfunction. I initially stopped taking the drugs after I noticed because I couldn’t stand not enjoying sex with my wife. However, she was more concerned about my health and insisted we return to the doctor to ask if other medications could be considered. My medication has been changed a couple of times, but it’s been the same. Now that my erection isn’t like it used to be, we’ve incorporated a lot more foreplay into lovemaking. It wasn’t like we didn’t do foreplay before, but now that’s what we focus on more. On some days when the erection surprises us both, we have penetrative sex. I’ve suggested buying sex toys, but my wife wouldn’t hear of it. She’s fine with the foreplay, and I can’t complain.
Ademola*, 50
I’ve been managing erectile dysfunction for more than 15 years now. It got in the way of my sexual life in the early years because my wife and I didn’t know much outside of regular “missionary sex”. However, things changed after we attended a couples’ retreat. The retreat had a session for sex education for couples, and we were keen to attend because we both knew of my condition. It was at that retreat that we learnt more about how to spice up our sexual life outside of penetrative sex, including the use of adult toys. The strap-on toy has really helped; I don’t have to worry about a weak erection or going limp during sex.
Hassan*, 43
The sex hasn’t been the same with my wife since we were both diagnosed with cardiovascular diseases. Before I was placed on medications, I’d noticed my erection wasn’t like it used to be. Even though my wife didn’t think it was much of an issue, I was bothered. She was more concerned about our general health, and I kept reminding her that sex is also an important part of our health. I spoke with some of my friends, and I learned that some of them faced similar challenges. I guess it’s one of the downsides of ageing. Now, I use prescribed medication to control ED, but I also do lots of exercises to keep my testosterone levels up. My doctor also advised taking lots of watermelon before sex, and it helps.
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Ibrahim*, 30
I was diagnosed with bilateral hydrocele—a swelling of both scrotums—when I was 10 and had to undergo surgery. The swelling returned when I was in senior secondary school, and it affected my erection. I could barely get my penis up, and I was always in so much pain. I had another set of surgeries when I was in 100 level. After the surgery, I noticed my erection was always in the semi-solid range. I complained to the doctors and was placed on some medications, but they don’t seem to help that much. When the medications do work, and the erection is strong enough, I feel pain in my scrotum.
The whole experience made me avoid relationships for the longest time because I lived with the constant worry that I couldn’t sexually satisfy my partner. I’ve had breakups caused by my inability to satisfy sexual desires; they wanted more than foreplay and all the other sexual gimmicks. After that, I resolved to seek out someone who wasn’t so keen on sex. When my current partner mentioned she was asexual, I was more than relieved. Our sex life is perfect because we both have tailored expectations.
Ibrahim*, 32
One of the hardest parts of getting diagnosed with HBP was learning that the drugs could affect my erection. The doctor wasn’t really nice about it either. When I told him my dick wasn’t as hard as it used to be, he said, “You have to pick one between your health and your erection.” I didn’t even know what to say. The treatment was supposed to be temporary, but after some checkups, my BP wasn’t down, and the doctor said I should keep to the medication. I still take the drugs, but I always stop when I’m planning to have penetrative sex. So, if I want to have sex on Friday, I stop taking the drugs on Tuesday or Wednesday. I know this isn’t ideal, but that’s how I’ve been managing it.
I recently talked to a friend who said she got scarred after giving her boyfriend oral sex during a random quickie. According to her, “It smelled like stale urine and locust beans down there.” Now, I can’t say I know for sure what a healthy penis should smell like, but I do know what it shouldn’t smell like, and top of that list is stale urine.
After that conversation, I knew I had to cover men’s hygiene for men’s health awareness month. The boys are out here neglecting the hygiene of their reproductive organs. If you’ve got a penis and balls, here’s a guide on how to keep them in tip-top shape.
Wash up
Don’t just splash water on your phallus and jump out of the bathroom. Dedicate some time to gently washing the nooks and crannies. Get all that build-up of sweat and urine out of the way with water and mild soap.
Pat it dry after every bath
Ever pulled off your boxers after a long day and shuddered at the smell that hit your nostrils? It’s probably because you didn’t clean up properly after bathing. It’s super important you pat everywhere dry. Personally, I spread out in front of a standing fan for a few minutes before putting on underwear.
Rinse off after every pee
This is a common practice among Muslim men, but everyone should do it. After every pee, shake your junk to get all the excess urine out and rinse off with water. This is the easiest way to avoid smelling off and having urine stains on your underwear.
Shave
Listen, I’ve never known a time when it was cool to leave a clump of pubic hair hovering over your dick. Grab a tube of hair removal cream and scrape that stuff off. A low trim is preferable since hair also prevents against STIs. If you can, reach for the hair around the anus too. I hear some barbers offer this as a service.
Don’t repeat boxers
Many men are guilty of repeating underwear. That’s bad business for your odogwu and sons, bro. The ideal thing to do is wash your boxers after every use and wear a fresh pair daily.
Stick to cotton boxers
Yes, you prefer spandex boxers and hot pants because they help you hide random erections in public. But do you know they may be doing more harm than good because they trap air? Cotton underwear does a better job at keeping the air circulating down there. Basically, they let the balls breathe.
Avoid hot water
I know you’re tempted to bathe with piping hot water when it’s cold, but that’s bad business for your penis and balls. Hot water can cause irritation. Also, since the testicles need to be cooler than body temperature to function properly, hot water can overheat them and affect sperm production.
Clean the foreskin
Not all men have a foreskin, but if you’ve got one, you’ll need to raise it up and clean it properly whenever you bathe. Smegma—a thick, cheesy-looking secretion—builds up under the foreskin when left unwashed. The smell is unpleasant, and if it’s left unattended, it can also cause redness, itching, and swelling.
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Powder it up
Things get real messy down there during the hot season. Air gets trapped in your cotton underwear, and all that sweat makes it annoyingly sticky. One way out? Apply a generous dab of powder in the corners of your private parts. It keeps the moisture in check and helps you feel dry.
Always look in the mirror
Yup, you should always have routine checks where you grab a mirror and see what’s going on down there. Look out for bumps on your ball sack and groin area. If anything looks off, go to the hospital ASAP.
Self-pleasure is an important part of overall health and well-being. It can help with stress relief, improve sleep, and you’re in charge of your orgasms — what’s there not to like. But engaging in self-pleasure often raises questions, especially considering our society’s perception of it.
For men’s health awareness month, I spoke with seven married men who get candid about how it has impacted their sexual health and relationships.
Image by Freepik
Hakeem*, 39
I didn’t like masturbating before I got married. It never felt like the real thing and cleaning up after grossed me out. After my wife welcomed our first child, we couldn’t have sex for sometime because she had complications during childbirth. So, she suggested handjobs. Something about the suggestion coming from her made me willing to try it out. Initially, she helped, and then, it graduated to me doing it myself. Only thing is, I like when we are together when I go about it. It has helped our sexual relationship a lot. She doesn’t feel the pressure to give in all the time.
Chibuzor*, 41
As a devout Christian, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I do it, but only when necessary and there’s no other option. For instance, when we were trying for our first child, I ran a series of tests that needed my semen. I had to pleasure myself to do this, and it was uncomfortable. I also tried it when she was away receiving care at her mum’s place after childbirth, but I’ve realised I just don’t like it. Something about it feels sinful, and I’d rather have my desires in check.
John*, 32
I’ve been an advocate of self-pleasure for men for the longest time. There’s something about self exploration that makes it easier to communicate your desires with your partner. If you’ve explored yourself enough, you can guide your partner towards the things that’ll give you maximum pleasure. Sex is beyond foreplay and penetration, and more men need to understand this for a healthy sex life. Some men have frequent sex and are still sexually frustrated. It’s because they’ve not discovered what truly excites them.
Jinad*, 35
Since I turned 35, I’ve realised masturbation helps me sleep better. Sometimes, I’m too tired for all the foreplay and pre-stimulation that goes into sex after a long day at work. Relieving myself is easier. My wife didn’t like this at first, but she stopped bothering when she realised it took pressure off her. Now, she even suggests “beating it” when I’m having trouble falling asleep.
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Jason*, 38
I read somewhere that expelling semen as frequently as you can may reduce the risk of prostate cancer. I’m not sure if it’s true or not but I’m getting closer to my 40s and I’ve been committed to taking my health seriously. This is one aspect of it.
Ben*, 29
I don’t understand when people say masturbation affects sexual performance. I can’t remember ever taking any sexual stimulant before sex. I only need to pleasure myself a few hours before sex, and it helps me go longer during sex with my wife. Personally, I think more men should do this, especially men who have performance issues. A lot of the aphrodisiacs and sexual enhancement drugs aren’t healthy. This is a natural way to boost your performance.
Adekunle*, 35
I think it’s important to address the shame around self-pleasure. Our society presents it as something sinful or telling on a man’s ability to perform his manly duties. I don’t think it’s any of these. A lot of sexual frustrations in marriages can be solved if men embrace self-pleasure. As long as it’s done in moderation, I don’t think self-pleasure is bad.
Like many X users on Easter Monday, I woke up to the perpetual chaos that’s plagued the microblogging platform since Elon Musk took the reins. This time, a strange buzzword left me and millions of other users confused. The word? Stainless — a new coinage for “celibacy” common among Nigerian men who’ve relocated and find it hard to get laid. I was intrigued by the sheer number of people abroad who revealed that they now juggle between celibacy and self-pleasure.
I spent the next few days looking for subjects to share their experiences with forced celibacy. It was during my journo quest that I found Feranmi*.
As Told To Adeyinka
I relocated to Finland in mid-2023. It was a bittersweet move because, on the one hand, I was excited to finally escape Nigeria, but on the other hand, I was leaving everything I’d known in all my 27 years. This was scary for me. I remember my mum saying, “Will you kuku stay back?” Everyone who knows me knows I struggle to make friends or form new relationships, so a recurring question in my head was, “How will I survive?”
To make matters worse, my girlfriend said we should call it quits because she couldn’t do long distance. I tried to get her to visit for one last memorable time together before I travelled, but she didn’t come.
When I arrived in Finland, it was just like I feared. I stayed with my cousin, and in the first few weeks, he was on leave. He resumed work the second week, and that was when the loneliness kicked in. At first, I felt I could handle it because I could go days all alone at home in Nigeria. I was so wrong. There’s something different about the loneliness here. It’s that feeling of knowing you won’t get random visitors, spot someone you know or just have the assurance of familiar strangers in your street.
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I soon started to get mad horny, which was strange because I wasn’t even thinking of sex. I mean, I’d broken up, was in a new country… I’d accepted it would take a while to get laid. But I kept getting awkward erections. Since I couldn’t put the feelings off, the easiest thing to do was wank. And the thing is, I wasn’t much of a wanker in Nigeria. I had my girlfriend, and our sex life was good.
Here? I’ve beaten my meat to submission, and it doesn’t excite me anymore.
I haven’t even tried to put myself out there because where will I start? I don’t have a job yet, so I hardly meet anyone besides neighbours, shop attendants and passersby. Most of the folks around here speak Finnish and have a strong “Minding my business” aura.
The other day, I sent a DM to a Finnish lady on IG who I followed before I left Nigeria. She responded in Finnish. I had to translate on Google to respond, which made our chat stressful. We still text, but we’ve never made it past pleasantries and “Miten loydat suomen? (“How do you find Finland?”)
My cousin also doesn’t help matters. He’s about ten years older, and we have a good relationship but not one where we freely talk about girls or relationships. He’s married and still trying to bring his wife and child over from Nigeria, so I can’t be talking about my need for sex with him.
I’ve accepted my fate. But I recently joined this Nigerian Twitter community for people in Finland, and I’m hopeful. Although I’ve heard it’s not easy to date a Naija babe here if you’re still hustling, I know they must also have intimate needs. It just takes finding the right person and letting them know you’re in it for real.
These days, I don’t bother to wank because it’s gotten boring. But I never thought about it as going “Stainless” until I saw the Twitter convo. I guess that’s what it is. The last time I wanked was in January.
Here’s a working theory: DIY fuku-faka only works the first few years after you discover the concept of self-pleasure. It’s only a matter of time before your body starts to crave skin-to-skin genital slamming. But what if we told you there are more creative ways to get around spilling your seed in another human?
Boys, grab a notepad. Class is in session.
Tickling
It’s like beating your meat, except you don’t have to touch it. For this to work, get some privacy and focus. Kumbaya/inner-peace seeking style focus. Next, gently trace your fingertips along your inner thigh, ball sack and nipple. Keep at it for about 10-15 minutes, and you’ll buss.
Rubbing
Also known as pillow-fucking, this is a completely hands-free method of getting your orgasm. How does it work? Will your Rod of Correction to attention and grind sensually against the bed. Grabbing your butt might help you get a sense of joint action and arrive at your desired destination.
Sleep
There’s only one way to make this work: Watch an obscene amount of pornography before you go to bed, and you’ll have given your spirit partner enough prompt to give you some action.
Anal massage
If you’re adventurous enough for some backdoor action, get some lubricant up your anus, slowly stick your index finger in, and try to reach your P-spot AKA prostate gland. Every man has one. You should definitely consider a P-spot toy if you’re serious about this.
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Nipple play
As a guy, you’re probably missing out on premium enjoyment if you ignore your nipples. The nipples are super sensitive, which means the right kind of touching and stroking can get you bussing in no time.
Perineum play
The perineum is the area between your odogwu and anus. It’s full of nerve endings and very sensitive. To make this work, give this area some good touching or stroking. Make sure you’re well relaxed, as this will help you find your rhythm and spill that akamu.
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Sex toys
Vibrators are mostly marketed to women, but if you’re open to exploring sex toys as a man, there’s good action to be enjoyed. Grab a male vibrator, wear it around your phallus and let it do its job. Word on the street is that those vibrations feel really good.
Edging
Whether you’re beating your meat or using any of the methods on this list, edging will help you intensify the experience. Simply bring yourself close to climax and stop just before you spill your seed. Repeat the process for as long as you can. The idea is to prolong the experience and intensify the eventual orgasm.
There are more conversations happening about how men need communities and safe spaces to thrive. And for many men, the people they know and have formed close bonds with serve this purpose. They become their tribe.
In this story, six Nigerian men talk about their tribe and how they make living a bit less lonely.
Nauteeq, 30
In June 2020, I was going through my Google Drive, and I noticed the same faces had appeared in my photos since 2014. So I thought if these people can be in my pictures every year, they must be my tribe. I was right, and I’ve been good since.
It’s tricky to quantify how much work went into building this community of people I feel safe with. But I know it wasn’t solo work, and everyone constantly put in some effort. The most challenging part for me was the amount of voluntary disclosures I had to give and receive, and that’s still ongoing. The WhatsApp chats and the Facetime calls never end, and I also walkie-talkie my friends to keep in touch.
My community is my biggest priority, and I treat them that way. I know I will always find all the love and safety I need in them. They are always there and will answer me when the need arises. As a result, there’s never been a time I was scared that I’d wake up and not see my people again.
About a year ago, I was forced offline because of a nasty power cut in my area. By the second day of the blackout, these people, at different times, stormed my house to confirm I was good. One of them burst into tears when they saw that I was alive and well.
That same evening, they dragged me out of the house, and my friend decided to dance at an event so she could win a power bank and hand it over to me: she didn’t want me to ever go off the grid again.
They’ll always have my back. Life has been fair to me because of these people. Money can’t buy that.
Dami, 28
I have two tribes, and they exist for different purposes. One is a group of three people I’ve been friends with since uni. They’re my closest friends, and it’s easy because we grew up together in a way.
The second is a group of 12 boys, and they’re there for more serious matters — the personal and intimate matters I can’t discuss without being judged. It’s interesting how this worked out because I met them recently. But I warmed up to them the more I spent time with them and saw how free everyone was with one another.
It’s great I have these two groups in my corner; having them around helps me figure stuff out. In 2018, the 3-man group helped me navigate my most serious heartbreak. They’d met my ex several times and knew how I felt about her so they could get what I was going through. They checked in multiple times, and one reached out to her to fix things. The same group came in handy for the one after that.
They’re also a solid sounding board and are the first people I tell things to when they happen. There’s no other way to say it — they are my safe space.
Ayo, 29
I’m a people person, so I have different categories of folks I consider my guys. I grew up with some and met others from school, at work, or through other friends. But in all these groups, a close bond has been formed.
I’m not going to lie; it took some work to get there, from the serious stuff like showing up for them when they needed me to everyday things like celebrating their wins. But it was all worth it because now I know they’ll always have my back. It makes living more pleasant.
I’ve been homeless twice, and I wasn’t bothered. I knew I wouldn’t sleep under a bridge; I just needed to reach out to some of my people and let them know I was in a fix. On both occasions, two of my guys took me in. The first was for free, and the second let me pay the rent at my convenience. It doesn’t get better than that.
Oluwatosin, 26
For years, I didn’t think I needed a tribe. Most people form these strong friendships or communities in uni, but I was a lone ranger the entire time I spent in school. It’s not like I didn’t have friends, but I didn’t see the need to create or nurture a community that would be my safe space.
This thinking only changed about three years ago. I’m not sure how, but I’m glad it did, and I should have given it a chance much earlier.
The first step in finding these folks was to identify what we had in common, which formed the basis of our bond. Now that I have them, they come through for me emotionally and sometimes financially. A while back, I felt the weight of family and work pressure crushing me, but these people got me through it. Also, I know who I can turn to for the urgent 2k to the significant loans. We prioritise refunds. This keeps the relationship healthy.
My tribe fills a lot of void. And I’ve learned that I can always be vulnerable with them, and they’ll make me feel safe. There’s no high-pressure situation they can’t get me out of. It’s reassuring.
David, 24
My siblings are my safe space, and they’ve always been. In secondary school, I’d hear people talk about the not-very-nice experiences they had with members of my family, and I was always like, “Wait, what? My family is so chill.”
It results from how much work my parents put in for us to become this close-knit group. The primary thing I feel with them is love, which is excellent for my quality of life because I don’t have many friends besides my girlfriend. Two of my close friends also recently left the country, so my siblings have become an even more integral part of my community. We talk every day, I’m close with their kids, and I even live with one of them. They make me feel incredibly lucky.
Mobolaji, 25
I found my people in university. We were in the same space almost every day, and we built our community from the ground up. It was also primarily organic and started with little check-ins. But these droplets snowballed into something concrete post-uni. It still is.
They give me a sense of belonging and offer fresh, valuable perspectives on things I need to figure out or decisions I need to make. I’m self-sufficient, but it helps to know I have folks who will come through for me whenever I need them. It might seem minute, but this realisation alone improves the quality of my life.
We all know once we hit the mid-20s, it’s time to prepare for the “When will you marry?” question. Besides the regular “I’m not ready,” have you thought about replying with these things?
Your babe isn’t ready
Finding someone to marry you isn’t the problem. It’s just that they might already be in a relationship with someone else — like the person asking you the Jamb question.
You’re working on it
Telling people you’re working on it is a smart way to make them drop the topic. Because why is marriage a race? You’re not in a rush; nobody should rush you.
You’re waiting for God’s time
Say you’re still praying, and when God says yes, you’ll walk down the aisle. People love it when you involve God in everything.
There’s nothing in the streets
This is your honest truth. You’re the one who’s been in the streets for a long minute, so you know what’s out there. But no cause for alarm; news will disburse once you find your soulmate.
You’re busy finding 30 billion
Let your questionnaires know that marriage is sweet, but when there’s money, it’s sweeter. You need to have $30 billion in the bank first.
Tell them to find you a partner
If they’re so concerned about your marriage life, they should stop talking and find a babe for you.
It’s not your thing
People don’t even care to know if you want to be married or not. What if staying unmarried is your life goal? People should start considering that too. Do they need to be told first?
Is it a dealbreaker whether your partner is a throat goat or not? Seven Nigerian men share their deepest, darkest opinions about sex in relationships with Zikoko.
Laser*, 38, Lagos
Does sexual experience matter to you?
I’m very open to teaching my partner from scratch. I’m patient and always excited to teach.
What’s your ideal sexual experience?
One where we have a conversation before we meet up. We’re clear about expectations and what we’re open to. Then when we meet, we build up to it, letting the tension rise. Lots of foreplay and leading each other around our bodies, the erogenous zones, exploring kinky things we’re both into. Aftercare when we’re done, proper cuddling and conversations.
How important is sexual compatibility to you?
Extremely important. No matter how much I love a person, if sexual compatibility is absent, it’s a waste of time.
Is it a dealbreaker?
No. But she must have an adventurous mindset. It’s only if she’s rigid and not open to exploring that I’ll have an issue. That’s when it would be a dealbreaker.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
My first penetrative sex felt like an audition because she was the one with all the experience. She tried to relax me — I was open about my inexperience — but that didn’t stop me from feeling pressured. I did it with the mindset of someone who had something to prove, someone who needed to put on a world class performance.
I actually lasted, but omo, I was thrusting like my life was on the line. I don’t want to imagine what I looked like with all that concentration and determination. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we parted ways soon after.
Nicholas, 27, Ibadan
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
It’s something I think about, however briefly.
Ideal sexual experience?
Having some knowledge is a big plus. If she knows her body well enough that it’s not the blind leading the blind, that’s a good lower threshold. I have my basic practices, but everybody is different, so I expect to learn on the job as well.
Is lack of experience a dealbreaker?
Is this a thinly veiled body count question? I don’t consider lack of experience a dealbreaker. Too much might be, depending on how she acquired the XP (experience).
What’s too much?
After a certain age, being “too experienced” is expected. But if you move like Zidane in ’06, but you’re Messi in ’06, question marks on what necessitated such hypersexuality in your life. Aspects of your history will require a conversation.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
Sex is important, and it’s enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, anything that contributes to it is vital… so I’d say 8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
This one time, I was working from home because my girl and I had fought. I was trying to make amends, but the work day was nearly over, and she still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the middle of a meeting, she became frisky. Having to pause mid-stroke to unmute and give an update was funny.
Sambo*, 31, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
Not really. There are other factors to consider, like shared beliefs, values and interests or money habits.
Lack of sexual experience isn’t a deal breaker?
I don’t really have any. I always consider moderation. Someone who’s experienced might have issues getting along with someone who isn’t because they’ve been exposed to a level of kink they may desire at any time. To avoid stories that touch, let inexperienced people stick with fellow inexperienced people, abeg.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
I met this person for the first time, we hung out, and the connection was there. That same day, we found ourselves at my place. We had sex, and it was so good. I didn’t expect that on a first date, but I’ll take it.
Ola, 25, Oyo
Does sexual experience matter to you?
Yes. Bring your A game, abeg.
Your ideal sexual experience?
Sex with someone who hasn’t been everywhere. Too much experience can be a dealbreaker for me because what do I want to show you again?
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
9.
That one memorable sexual experience?
My partner was so good, it felt like she wanted to take my life. The foreplay and sex were intense because we both knew what to do, perhaps, too much.
Deji, 30, Abuja
Does sexual experience matter to you?
It’s a plus, but not a prerequisite. I don’t think anything is too much or less. If it’s on the low end, there’s the opportunity to teach her what I like. If it’s on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the opportunity for me to learn new things.
Your ideal partner?
One who’s willing to try new things and explore my body to discover what I like. She doesn’t have to be a pro.
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Omo, I’ll give it an 8. However, sex isn’t everything, and I think compatibility can be worked on.
A memorable sexual experience?
I’ve had my fair share, but one that sticks is when the other person made mouth about their game then fell short. I had to shuffle between faking pleasure or hurting their feelings. I don’t know the film the babe watched, but she was biting me “there” and all over my body. She kept making animal sounds while she was doing it. I took the pain in good faith till we were done.
Sexual experience isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s nice to have someone who knows their shit. It’s also something that can be learnt, if you guys are on the same page.
Abisola, 33, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
When I was younger, it used to be at the top of my list. But now, I know you can teach your partner how to please you and vice versa.
Can you describe the ideal sexual experience?
I want to be sated at the end of every rump. And I hope to satisfy my partner too. That’s it for me.
Do you consider lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker in your relationship?
Well, not really. Whether she has too much sex or too little, there’s usually a reason for it. You don’t usually find partners with equal levels of sexual experience. The partner with more experience can teach the other who has less knowledge.
One can tell if their proposed partner has been in the streets for a long time. And frankly, that’s their business. As far as we both agree to be committed to each other, I’m good.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
6.
Juwon, 36, Sagamu
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
I don’t.
Do you consider the lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker?
It doesn’t matter to me like that. In fact, some of my relationships weren’t sexual.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
Let’s say 6.5.
Do you have an unforgettable sexual experience?
This supposed baddie I encountered freaked out after seeing my penis and decided to throw in the towel before the main event began.
To surprise a Nigerian man, you have to be meticulous in your planning. Try these tips if you’re sure you want to organise something that’ll blow your Nigerian boyfriend’s mind.
Plan a getaway
Let your man know it’s you and him for the weekend. No homeboys, no football, just hot couple enjoyment.
Surprise him on a weekend
This agbado era requires hard work around the clock, so chances are both of you would only be available on a weekend anyway. It’s also the one time he’s likely to follow along with your surprise.
Involve his friends
Let his friends know at least a week in advance. Carry them along in your plans, so they can clear their schedules and turn up for their guy’s surprise party.
Plan with his barber to give him a clean cut
Go to his barber and beg him to give your man a mad cut. You need him and his fades fine AF for you.
Tease him that all bills on you
Start teasing from home that you’re covering all the bills. He won’t think about a party but he’ll know he’s about to be spoiled.
Watch him be amazed
Make sure his friends get there earlier, and let him find himself in an ambush that turns into a party. Do this and you’ve done a fantastic job, so why won’t he be amazed?
Or just plan the whole thing in your head
It’s still the agbado era, which means you’re probably broke like the rest of us. Dreaming is free, and it’s the thought that counts.
Wingmanning doesn’t start and end with introducing your friend to potential partners. Is an art that involves planning, strategy and proper execution. We’ll teach you just how it works.
The client, in this case, is your friend. It’s difficult to draft a good strategy if you don’t know his strengths and weaknesses. Draft a list so you can plan how best to highlight his good traits and sell your friend. It’s basically a marketing gig, and you’re the head of sales, but for free.
You’re about to venture into uncharted waters that, depending on the results, could soil your reputation. If you believe in a supreme being, ask for their help.
I know you’re a spec, but please, let the brother shine. A rule of thumb is to never out dress your friend. You can’t be a wingman and look like a king who’s just been crowned.
If you can add “working in your mum’s shop” to your marketing executive CV, then you should have no problem doing this. Don’t lie; just be economical with the truth.
You’re John the Baptist. Preparing them for the coming of the messiah your friend. Your role is not to sweep them off their feet but to prepare the mattress for when he does the sweeping. Once you can see things going well, excuse them and celebrate a job well done.
On the other hand, everything could be going badly, but because your friend is so infatuated, he doesn’t even notice. Take the initiative and drag him out of there. You need to regroup to rethink the strategy.
With everything happening in Nigeria right now, from an inflated economy to a possible war with Niger, it’s possible that President Tinubu might move ahead with his popular “50 million youths recruitment into the army” statement in 2021. So, we’ve made a list of prospective military conscripts into the army.
Gym bros
With some of the weights these guys lift, there must be something they’re been preparing for that the rest of us don’t know about. If the military isn’t sure about where they should go first, iFitness is a good start.
Tall men
“African Giant” but we don’t have giants to scare enemies away. We have the next best thing sha; tall men . They’ll be the eyes of the military, and see above all our enemies.
Jobless men
Please, get the jobless men off the streets. Let idle hands become the army’s workshop.
Alpha males
“Men are protectors and providers” FC, it’s your time to shine. Traditional men too should grab their boots.
Hope the draft meets BBN housemate Pere at home, since he wanted to show soldiers how it’s done.
Short men
Short men are stubborn af. They won’t raise a white flag or accept defeat. They’d rather fight till death.
Nigerian politicians
There’s nothing to be afraid of. Let them defend the country they’ve been stealing profiting from.
Prayer warriors
To be honest, a battalion of prayer warriors can fight the battle alone. After all, the lord is their shield and has also trained their hands for war and their fingers for battle.
Nigerian men troll Nigerian women for fawning over K-Drama men too much. But who complains when women from S.A, Kenya and other countries drool over Nigerian men?
I’m here to tell you K-Drama isn’t the trash you think it is, you just need to see the light, which is exactly what we’ve brought you today.
For romance tips
Can you cleverly and tenderly catch women in your arms when they trip? There’s “romanzzz” to learn Korean shows.
Recommendation: “Boys Over Flowers”
Premium investigation
Women make up the largest part of the K-drama fan base in Nigeria. There must be a reason why. Finding out what these women see in these shows may be the self-improvement you need.
Recommendation: “Law School”
A chance to learn new language
The world evolves every day. Your L1 and L2 are no longer enough in this new wave of globalisation. If you watch and learn well, you might even open a language school and turn it into a business.
Not every time you’ll be doing like Peaky Blinder boys. Is Tommy Shelby’s trauma fun to you? Lee Min Ho and co are less problematic men to emulate.
Recommendation: “King the Land”
You and K-Drama men are more similar than you think
In “Alchemy of Souls”, the king was moving like Nigerian men. First thing he did after shifting souls with the mage was go after the mage’s wife. What kind of bastard konji is that?
Recommendation: “Alchemy of Souls”
Your babe enjoys it
You can’t dislike what your babe likes. It’s an unwritten rule.
Recommendation: “Crash Course In Romance”
Fashion sense
Watch out for the villains especially; they always eat with their fits. Life is more than skinny jeans and baggy Balenciaga shirts.
Everyone has a role to play and so do side boyfriends. To be a successful one means you’ve learnt the ropes and finessed it to your own style.
The above is simply a proverb for not getting in a relationship if you can get all the benefits while staying single. Be a side piece and enjoy these benefits today.
No more guilt
The relationship isn’t your business because there really is no relationship. Their feelings aren’t in your hands, so there’s nothing like cheating when you sleep with others. You’re just a harmless helper.
No heavy lifting
Baecations and the burden of love languages belong to her main man. You’ll do the barest minimum on anything outside sex and being a shoulder to cry sometimes.
Improve your skills
Bro, you got that role because of what you bring to the bedroom, and consistency will make you better at your job. They’ll hail you everywhere you go, king of sexual intercourse.
Free from “breakfast”
When they eventually get served breakfast, they come to you to ease the pain because a side penis is a comforter.
Nobody to checkmate you
Your partner can’t be angry if they catch you with another person. Will they even have time to monitor you when they’re busy trying not to get caught themselves?
You’ll learn contentment
Contentment is one of life’s most important values because we need less greed in this country. Playing your role as a side boyfriend, joyfully eating the crumbs you get and not trying to take the main place is an underrated level of contentment.
We lied, you’re still being played
You thought you could have any kind of relationship and get away with it? BFFR. Your main babe may also have a side piece, or you may turn out to be her side piece too.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of all forms.
A year after Olumide read Jude’s book, their friendship started. On this week’s #ZikokoMyBro, they share how their work brought them together. Now they’ve kept it together for 18 years and even co-wrote a book, despite living on different continents.
Take us to the beginning of this friendship. How long have you been friends?
Jude: I’ve known him since my first novel “Walking With Shadow” came out in 2005. But we connected in 2006.
Olumide: Yeah.
Jude: That makes it about 18 years now.
How did you guys meet?
Jude: Work. Olumide used to work with a human rights organisation that catered to the LGBTQ community. My novel tackled the presence of the LGBTQ community in Nigeria, and how it has been denied over the years.
Olumide: At the time when “Walking With Shadow” was written, anyone who did that would’ve been considered crazy. There was nobody within the writing space that would have written about a queer character and humanised them. So I read the book, and was like, “who is this crazy person that decided to write about a gay character?” It was quite good. Many of us could relate to the story — having to hide and pretend about who you’re.
A year or two later, I found out that Jude worked in the corporate sector. I thought it was interesting he had a day job, too. I was like, “this guy really has guts.”
Then I read his second book “Blackbird” to be sure he wasn’t a one-hit wonder writer. After that, I asked mutual friends to introduce us. From there, if we wanted to do anything creative at TIERs— the NGO I worked at — I reached to Jude to see if he wanted to contribute or be part of it. That’s how we started getting close.
What was your first impression of each other?
Jude: Deep respect. I found the work Olumide’s organisation was doing very important. If I wasn’t already steeped into the corporate world, I’d probably be in an NGO too.
Olumide: Before I met Jude the guy, I met the Jude the writer. At that time, I still looked at him from Blackbird’s point of view. I thought he’d be one of those queer writers who wrote about queer people but also wanted to be distant from the community. Well, I was wrong. He gave support. He gave his voice without turning himself into a frontline activist.
Away from his work as a writer, I found Jude to be very gentle. Any wahala, he doesn’t want. He creates a safe space for everyone; you can do your thing, and he can do his.
Jude: Wow, Olumide, thank you so much. I’m blushing here.
So when was the moment you bonded?
Olumide: I think this was 2014, when he left Nigeria.
What? But you’d been friends for almost a decade
Jude: We talked but hardly saw each other. I was out of Lagos every two weeks. We knew we could trust each other, which was why he was one of the people I discussed my relocation plans with.
But the bond started getting stronger around 2017. Olumide called me and told me about the birthday of one of our close friends in the UK. He wanted to surprise her and asked if I wanted to come. I was like, “sure” and jumped on a plane from Sweden to the UK.
Why did you leave Nigeria though?
Jude: I was just tired about the situation in Nigeria, and the fact that Jonathan was introducing a new law. As a public figure, especially if you don’t conform to societal ideas of what a man should be, it’s more difficult when you’re out queer and out. It was just uncomfortable for me. I went to the US first and lived there for a year before moving to Sweden, where I’m now a citizen.
How did you feel about Jude leaving Nigeria?
Olumide: At that time, we were all on the edge. Goodluck Jonathan was going to sign the SSMPA. I know staying back in a place like Nigeria that can become unsafe.
But going to start all over in another climate is also a very complex decision to make. I had that conversation with Jude about how being in a new terrain coud be difficult. But he knew he’d be okay by himself. He was a very soft guy, there wasn’t much worry.
Did it affect your friendship?
Jude: Our friendship is very difficult to categorise or put into a specific box. I don’t have to see Olumide every day to know he’s my friend.
Sometimes, we just text or call and catch up on what’s going on. To me, that’s real friendship. I’m a very private person, but if I can open up to you and talk about important things, then you know that I trust you. That’s the kind of friendship I have.
I don’t have too many friends, but friendships are special. We’re linked together, regardless of time, space or when we last saw each other and things like that. Olumide and I don’t see and chat all the time, but every time we catch up, we text or call for hours. So, that’s the only way I can describe the bonding.
Olumide: What you just said is very important because my friends know that I’m a very low-touch person. Sometimes, friends require a certain kind of performance. But not Jude and many of the people I’m very close to. I can go days without talking to Jude, but if there’s something important to do or talk about, I’d jump on the phone and have that conversation.
So, we have that understanding that there has to be space in togetherness. We have assurance in our friendship and feel very secure in it, even when we don’t see each other. We’ve even done a book together without having to see each other. It’s coming out on August 29, 2023.
How long have you guys gone without talking to each other?
Jude: My God. I think COVID-19 was the longest. I hardly spoke to people during COVID period. But the book kept us in. We’ve been running this book since 2017 or 2018.
Olumide: I think the book has actually kept us really close.
Jude: Because of that, we’ve been in each other’s lives. So yeah, we’ve been very much in contact the last five, six years.
This book must be a special one
Olumide: That doesn’t mean that we talk everyday. But it’s been one of the key things that makes our conversation very regular now. Before then, we caught up once in a while to talk.
Jude: I agree our best bonding experience was working on this book —we had a lot of ups and downs from figuring out what to put in the book and what to take out. It’s been nice.
Tell me about a time one person came through for the other?
Jude: I remember the amount of work he did to get my book “Walking with Shadows” to the screens in 2019. I thought it was almost impossible, but he came through. He was one of the hardest working producers on the project and raised the most money. He also coordinated people during the shoot of the film when the movie producer wasn’t around.
Also, he buys and recommends my books, and I get my royalties at the end of the day.
Olumide: I mean, I think it depends on how we look at times that people come through, but I remember when we invited him to Aké Festival, and he showed up. He was in Nigeria for almost a week.
Is there anything you would change about your friendship?
Olumide: It’d be great if we see more in person and talk over things that have happened in our private lives. For example, when I had my son, I wished I could talk to you about what that was like and all.
Jude: I think I was one of the first people you even told you have a kid.
Olumide: If we lived in the same city, you’d have been in the house the next day.
What’s one thing you’ve always wanted the other person to know?
Jude: I think I’ve told Olumide this already; leave Nigeria and move to London. Anyway, I love when he posts photos of his home and his outfits. That’s what I miss about Nigeria. I think we are much more adventurous with male fashion. Olumide has a good taste in clothing. So yeah, I’ve never told you that before.
Olumide: I like the way Jude disappears. I feel like he’s in control of how he engages the world. Jude isn’t on Twitter or IG all the time. He’s living and breathing. Jude is doing things. I really like that because I feel like it gives a lot of people some time to reflect and introspect. So you have enough time for yourself and I really appreciate that. One of the things I appreciate about him is his calmness and self-awareness. He carefully picks his words. He’s very grounded in himself. I appreciate somebody who is soft, but still bold.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
If you don’t send a monthly allawee to your babe, you need to fix up now. We want you to see the light, so we compiled a list of reasons you should pay your lover a monthly salary (if you don’t have money, it’s best to face your front sha).
Because why not?
You’re the lover, the partner, the banana, and the sugar.
Money speaks
Are you spending your millions right if it’s not going to your lover? You’re the bureau de change. Your money is for spending. After all, when there’s money, love is sweeter.
You’re in love
Please, if you love someone and it’s within your means, why not? Drop allawee for every breath your partner takes. In fact, the number of zeros behind what you send her signifies the lengths you’ll go for love.
Love renewal
Every good thing must surely come to an end, but that’s also where the concept of subscription comes in. Better to spend money on premium love than breakfast.
It’s a love language
Everybody knows giving someone money they didn’t have to work for in Nigeria is a love language. Your gift-giving isn’t giving unless cash is inside.
She calls you daddy
That lady calls you daddy, you must do your duties and contribute something to her treasury. Or else…
Unfriendly economy
Nothing is too small to support your babe, please. Inside this economy where petrol is ₦650 per litre and grocery (a.k.a garri) is now almost on top of the food chain?
Make it harder for her next man
Only God knows tomorrow, but if you happen to part ways later, you’d be the standard for her next man in spoiling and pleasing her.
Even if all the reasons we’ve given you aren’t convincing, you can’t deny your Nigerian DNA, we’re known for going all out to spoil women. Don’t be an exception.
But if there are no means…
You can’t kill yourself. If e dey, e dey; if didn’t dey, it didn’t dey. Everywhere is hard, sef.
Growing up as a boy in Nigeria, there are some experiences you can’t escape simply because of acting your age, trends or peer pressure. Which of these things do you remember?
Super Strikas
This football comic book series was the go-to whenever boredom hits. Who is Messi when Shegs Okoro was the best baller ever? 30+ men know.
Wikipedia
Football scars
Do you remember limping because of football injuries but hiding it from mummy? When she eventually sees it, the injury is much worse than it should be, and you’d still chop cane. Especially if you’re holding or pushing her hand away while treating your wounds.
You (obviously lying): It’s not paining me again.
Mummy:
Barbing skin
As a youngster, Nigerian parents will always block your swag. You’re not an obedient or serious boy in Nigerian parents’ eyes if they can’t see the middle of your head. If only you could cash-out every time they said “fine boy” after being forced to barb gorimaps, you’d have been a millionaire since your teens.
Your sibling’s oversized clothes
From the coat your older sibling wore to a wedding no one remembers and passed down to you for your primary school graduation, to their secondary school uniform, every Nigerian child knows mummy won’t buy any new clothes when it’s not Christmas.
First crush
There’s always that one girl whose mum has a shop on your street or the one in your class that you liked so much, all your friends say you never shut up about her.
Trying to grow a beard with spirit
Once senior secondary school started, all that was on our mind was how to grow the three hair strands on our chin into a shiny black goatee we can pull while commanding juniors anyhow. We wasted all the cotton wool in the house before we realised methylated spirit is a disinfectant, not a fertiliser.
Bootcut
Before everyone argued with their moms and tailors about the trousers with thin bottoms, what was in vogue were those trousers that can easily swallow two Health 5 balls right at its bottom.
Pencil/skinny jeans
Before baggies started becoming trendy again, pencil was the star boy that took its shine. If you’re not careful, your tailor will overdo it and you’ll have to wear nylon like socks before your trousers can fit.
Sagging
Long before Naira Marley and the “100 trousers, zero belt” slogan, it was believed sagging originated from prison culture. Can you remember all the times you were beaten for letting your boxers breathe?
Running to game centers
Bro, we can’t really rate your street credibility if you never played Konami at onile’s shop (owner’s shop) while growing up as a young boy. If you’re onile’s fave, he might even let you play a free game. In fact, it probably got to a point where your mum asked the onile to always send you away whenever he sees you.
Up until the time I went to university, I was always the best at everything — schoolwork and extracurricular activities. This genuinely made me believe that God anointed my brain to pass any exam . I never had it difficult. I never needed to study too hard for anything. The only time I ever studied hard in my life was in JSS1 when my position briefly dropped from 1st to 2nd because the competition increased. I was smart like that. But that belief was quickly challenged when I got into the university.
I went to college at 15, like others do. But unlike many Nigerian kids who had set ambitions, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to work with technology, as I’d fallen in love with computers after getting my first one at 8. But that conviction wasn’t strong enough because I was also drawn to pure sciences and had a strong interest in physics. It also didn’t help that the prominent people in physics were revered as being super-smart. So I thought I could be like them.
You can imagine the look on my dad’s face when I showed him my JAMB form and he saw “Physics” on it. It was one of disgust. “Physics?” he asked. “What do you want to do with it?” I mentioned that I could work at CERN (a huge research lab somewhere in Europe) and that I just loved physics and wanted to pursue it. My man looked me in the eyes and said “Unless you want to become a teacher, I’m not paying for you to go and study this thing”.
I argued this out with him for a few days but my dad is a stubborn man. It also didn’t help that I had zero leverage in this situation. When it finally came to it, he chose a course for me. And you know what he chose? Pharmacy. He argued that getting a job is assured and I could make more money if I start my own thing.
It sounded like a good deal, so I chose it. I filled out the form, wrote the test and scored high enough to study pharmacy. That was the beginning of all my problems. Coming from a relatively comfortable school life, I was quickly introduced to running after lecturers in search of a lecture hall, sitting on the floor in overfilled classes, and extremely long hours under the sun in the name of ccomputer-based tests. In short, I suffered. But that was my first year.
In my second year, the suffering moved from physical to mental. 10-hour classes every day, with extra labs on top. That boy who never had to stress to get through school suddenly started freaking out every day. My first year dealt the first blow to my ego, but the real kicker came in my second year.
During my second year final exams, I fell sick. I was so sick that I had to be admitted in the hospital for a few days. I’d forced myself to push through three exams in my half-alive mental state, I failed those three courses. Three D’s in one semester. At first, I was confused. I had okay test scores. So how did this happen? As it turned out, I wasn’t dreaming at all. I had a D in all three of them, and in my department, that meant that I had three carryovers.
What followed was the roughest period of my life. Denial was the first phase, so I started trying to prove to myself that it wasn’t really me and that something was wrong. I worked twice as hard as I used to, and even took everything way more seriously than I ever had. But nothing worked. My grades didn’t go back to being stellar. I’d have panic attacks before exams and sometimes fall physically ill whenever a huge deadline was coming up. In the end, my grades were slightly above average at best.
This felt like an attack on who Ithought I was, and I spent the next two years nursing an identity crisis. I started searching for that validation outside of school. I learned new things and picked up new skills to prove to myself that I was still that guy. I guess it’s hard to know if I was because I didn’t have to write any exams. I got reasonably good at those things but the minute I realized that I was, I dropped it and started to pursue something else.
Over that time, I learned to code, learned to write, and dabbled in finance, among other things. They all came in handy as I started earning a lot of money before I graduated from college. I was working two remote jobs at a point, making $1000 a month. I finished the degree and even though all my toiling in school had stopped, my personal scrambling continued. But one day, after stressing so much to get a finance certification, I realized that I wasn’t enjoying most of these things. I was doing them to prove something to myself. But I didn’t need to. School was already behind me and I could just face real life now, and the good part was, there are no exams here.
To be honest, I think my life would have been so much easier if I’d cut myself some slack. I’m not that special, and there’s honestly no need to be. After coming to that realisation, I decided to take a step back from working so much to figure out what I actually enjoyed.
I realized that it was computers all along. This might sound cliche but while I’d changed so much, I’d also remained the same. I’ve always enjoyed working with them and learning about them. I had so much more clarity when I stepped back from overwork than all my years of trying to force my way through. I feel like I’ve finally figured my life out, and I just want one thing from here on out — to do what I love and make I life out of it. At the moment, I’m doing an MSc in computer science at a school in the USA and even though it’s not easy, I know I chose for myself this time.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity
Not every time pulling out a ring in the middle of a market square or proposing in NYSC camp. Spice things up with these Zikoko-approved marriage proposal ideas.
Make a Nollywood epic
Act like you’re unconscious or dead, and let your babe cry for 60 seconds before you resurrect like Undertaker and propose. Rough play, but everyone will understand once they see the ring.
Invite your partner over for lunch, treat them to yellow eba with their favourite soup and assorted meat. Then watch their face burst with joy as they dig fingers in and find the ring.
Just tell them
This involves the most minimal conversation. Ask your partner if they know what “fiancée” is, then tell them with the straightest face that it’s their new position.
Someone told me this is how Nigerian men propose and I’ve been creasing ever since! 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/r8hAIa9Gxg
Take your babe for a drive. When you get to a major highway, just pack in the middle to cause traffic. Get out of the car, and when your partner gets down to see what’s happening, take out the ring. Watch people switch from insulting your life to saying congratulations.
Organise a football match
Gather your guys for a friendly match on your local field, and beg them to allow you to score a goal. After scoring, run to celebrate with your babe. Then pull the ring out like this guy:
This is the best marriage proposal you'll ever see. I hope Nigerian girls see this to know y'all don't necessarily have to be dramatic.😒 pic.twitter.com/bbNZUgMuX9
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Toby and Shonnen became friends in 2013 through their love for games and anime. On today #ZikokoMyBro edition, these young men share their friendship story of watching anime together and playing online games to bridge the distance between them.
Over a decade of friendship
Toby: We’ve been friends for about ten years. But we were acquaintances three years before we actually became friends.
Shonnen: We’ve known each other since 2010, our first year of secondary school.
Toby: We became friends in JSS 3, when we found out we had things in common. We started hanging out to play games and then got into anime together.
He was already into anime, but I was quite new to it. I’d only watched one season of Naruto. So one day, I saw him exchanging a season of Naruto with a classmate of ours, and we got to talking about it. Then we started exchanging CDs and would talk about the episodes every chance we got.
Shonnen: Our love for anime and games brought us together. Naruto had a lot of seasons, and we couldn’t afford to buy them all, so we came up with the idea of buying different ones and swapping them. We used to swap PC games too.
Toby: Especially the role-playing ones.
Shonnen: The good old Naruto Base days. Life was so simple then.
Our first impression of each other
Toby: He was a cool kid, one of those who also wore ironed uniforms. He’s always had a crazy imagination, which drew us closer because we could concoct stories on paper and build storylines for days.
Shonnen: He was one of those loud and playful kids. I was playful too but nowhere near his level.
Toby: I became gentle later, but omo, I overplayed for a while.
Shonnen: But after we started sharing anime and playing games together, I realised he was more than just the loud classmate. I really got to know him as a person.
Toby: Over time, we both moved towards the midpoint of our extremes. I became a bit less playful, and he got a little more outspoken.
Growing up together
Shonnen: It was a lot of fun.
Toby: We always found ways to hang out, play games and have a lot of adventures together — we had crazy imaginations, so we created storylines and universes based on just words based roleplaying. We’d build a character and level it up well with nice characteristics and basically roleplay them in our imaginary world all with the words and texts we came up with.
Even after graduating from secondary school in 2015, we kept in touch online and reached out whenever we were home from uni.
Shonnen: Now, we have less time for fun with adult things to worry about. Also, I stayed back in Ibadan since I entered uni, while he frequents between IB and Osun state.
Toby: We don’t see each other as much because when I’m not in Osun state with my family, I’m on a work trip. But we keep in touch via online games and social media.
Shonnen: But distance only affects the time we spend having fun together, not our friendship itself. The connection is always intact whenever we link up.
Our friendship outside of anime and games
Shonnen: Our tastes in everything else are almost worlds apart.
Toby: Actually, they’re not completely different.
Shonnen: He’s like an Alan Walker (producer and electro pop DJ) guy, while I’m more of a Sufjan Stevens (alternative and rock/indie folk artist) guy. He listens to upbeat music generally, and I prefer calm and slow music — indie, alté and the likes.
Toby: That’s the summary. But we jam to the same music sometimes.
I’m more of a beat lover than a lyrics person. I’m more passionate about the symphony, beat and tempo of the whole song. It’s why I enjoy DJ fusions.
Shonnen: But our shared interest in anime and games, and the constant search for money, is what holds our friendship together. Hanging out once in a while just to game online or enjoy anime together is how we hold it together.
Toby: Our friendship is the type where, no matter how long it takes for us to hang out, we always pick up right where we left off. It never feels like we’ve not seen each other in a long time. We still know ourselves at the core; the things that brought us together are still very much things we are interested in.
Shonnen: And we discuss great money making ideas.
Getting used to a long-distance friendship
Toby: It gets weird sometimes. I feel like I might’ve missed a bunch of things that went on in his life, but when we get the chance to catch up, we talk about everything and get each other up to speed. It just comes naturally because we understand that we get busy. No matter how far apart we are, when we’re gaming, we feel like we’re in the same room.
Shonnen: We spent a lot of time growing up together, so a few months of not communicating is nothing.
Toby: We don’t see it as ghosting. We know we’re always a DM away. Chatting online feels almost the same as chatting in real life.
You came through for me
Toby: The first time I ever earned money, in 2020, he was the one who got me the gig.
I do crypto. There are a lot of times when it gets frustrating, like when I get hacked or lose a lot of money. He’s always there to encourage me, and sometimes, even lend me capital to start over.
Shonnen: One time in 2022, things were a little rough financially, and he put me on this arbitrage stuff — to gain from the difference in FX bank rate and black market rate — and I made enough money till things got better. We come through for each other whenever it’s needed.
What I’d change about you
Shonnen: Maybe have him make less noise, or tune his music taste to be a bit more similar to mine. I’d also change the amount of time we spend together.
Toby: I don’t want any changes. But if I had my way, things would remain the way they were when we were in secondary school. We plan hangouts every now and then, but it’s never enough. I travel a lot for work, and outside that, I split my time between Ibadan and visiting my family in Osun state. When I’m finally in Ibadan, I don’t feel like leaving home for weeks. It takes a lot of willpower to visit him.
Shonnen: We actually have a hangout planned. He should be in IB on Monday (July 17).
I want you to know
Toby: I always tell him everything I need to tell him without any sort of filter.
He doesn’t visit enough. I know your side is more active than mine, but I don’t always have to do the visiting.
Shonnen: I’ll visit more.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Unless you’re subbing us and saying we don’t usually smell nice, why this? Once or twice is enough. But it can’t become a permanent fixture, please.
PS5
You’re setting yourself up to receive less attention from him than you normally do. Do you really want that for yourself?
Scented candles
Sometimes, money is what’ll relieve our stress, not scented candles. Send us money instead.
Underwear
Unless you’re trying to send him away on purpose, don’t buy him something he can’t show off to the world. And even if he can, that’s still not in your favour. Think about it.
A shopping spree
If you take him on a shopping spree, he’ll find out you have money, and all of a sudden, your billings will start receiving more questions than they normally do.
A mobile phone
You’re just making it easier for side chics to reach him, at this point. Don’t do it.
A timepiece
If he really wants to spend forever with you, why does he need to check the time?
It’s not strange for a child to admire and want to be like his father. Apples don’t fall too far from the tree, but how many of these traits are learnt or unconsciously adopted? These Nigerian men share their stories.
“I don’t really socialise, and I suck at communicating” — Mayowa, 32, Lagos
I personally didn’t see the parallel traits, beyond the complexion of my skin, until puberty set in. I’m a mirror image of my father now. Our physical resemblance serves as an identifier within influential circles where my father is well-known. But the flip-side is it’s challenging to establish my identity when others perceive you solely as Mr. X’s son.
But it’s not just our physical appearances. We’re both pragmatic and introverted, which has its drawbacks. Asking for help, networking and socialising don’t come naturally to individuals like me. I make a conscious effort to introduce spontaneity into my life. I recently put a permanent reminder on my calendar, labelled “Call Dad” — a gentle nudge to prioritise regular communication.
“We both go on a rampage when we’re angry” — Bright, 21, Lagos
When I was about nine years old, I noticed my dad had anger issues. He has a short temper and gets furious very quickly. Growing up, I’ve noticed I do things to the extreme when I’m angry too. Like one time in 2021, I was in a heated argument with my sister because of something she did, and it got to the point where I smashed her phone on the floor. But I’m working on controlling my emotions now. I try not to react immediately to anything; I’m learning to be more patient with people. And when I have the opportunity, therapy is something that’s prominent in my mind because I’ve seen my dad’s attitude to his anger issues — he’s not phased by it all but we’ve kind of grown to live with it.
“We overlook things a lot” — Femi, 29, Lagos
My behaviour and mannerisms are closely linked to how my father handles things. He hardly takes offense. During NYSC in 2018, I met different types of people who’d annoy me a lot, but I had an impressive level of restraint. I kept thinking this is what my dad would do. Ironically, he gets inflamed by what you’d consider petty; like slippers scattered around, little dirt unpacked. No one else in my family is like that. Just him and I.
“We can’t ask for help” — Anonymous, 26, Osogbo
I can’t seem to ask for help from people, no matter how dire the situation. I found this out pretty early and chucked it up to my introversion until I was 15. That’s when I noticed my father is like that too. At a time we went through some rough patch at home, I saw him grind through it alone and quietly. I don’t think it’s a pride thing; I’d attribute it to over-independence.
I was surprised when I noticed our similarities because I always thought we were totally different. I think weighing the costs of this “over-independence” every time I need to ask for help goes a long way towards navigating it. When I think about the people who could be affected, I tend to ease up and speak up.
“We both have retentive memories” — Stephen, 59, Oyo
My father (of blessed memory) liked to sing or recite the Oriki of everyone who passed through the front of our house. My father knew the Oriki of every Yoruba names and towns; l’m also good at that. I noticed these traits in me when l was young. I even released an album in 2023. Just like me now, he also dressed well and abhorred dirt.
“I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth” — Babatunde, 26, Akure
I never thought much about it until I was 22 years old in 2019. The country’s economy was struggling, but things were harder at home. I felt like why were my siblings and I even born if our parents wouldn’t take care of us like they should. I always thought with the number of important people my father had as contacts on his phone, there was no way we’d go through hard times.
Fast forward to 2022, I quit my first job and started looking for fresh opportunities, but nothing came. Everything was choking me. Then, a random check-in on a friend turned into an extensive conversation, and I had to come clean that I was jobless. We came up with a solution that helped for a while, but then, I thought to myself, “This is the same thing I correct daddy about. I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth.”
“I don’t want to make mistakes around people” — Micah, 35, Anambra
I’m always trying to be on people’s good sides, especially within the family. I don’t want to make mistakes around anyone or offend them. Whether I’m the wronged person in a situation or not, it’s like I just want you to love me. I’m still trying to figure out what type of hell I’ve found myself in, but this is a major trait I share with my dad, and I think about it every hour of the day.
No matter how old you are, Nigerian parents never stop seeing you as a child. If you like, let your beard be fuller than Chewbacca’s. They remain strict and if you still live at home, your curfew still stands. So, if they still won’t give you your deserved respect, you have to take it by force, try these things.
Drink with your dad
Start going bar hopping with your dad. Nothing bonds two people faster more than conversations while drinking. or you can try drinking together at home and bantering like agemates while getting shit-faced. They’re bound to start showing you some respect when they see that you can hold your liquor.
Or pick up his mannerisms
The earlier your parents start seeing themselves in you, the quicker they realise you’re grown up too. Real recognise real.
Bring your partner home for a sleepover
Just introducing your partner to them will never be enough. Bring them to your parent’s house to spend the night. You need to start doing things that’ll make your parents wonder where you got your audacity from.
You’re the man of your own house now. They probably already want you out of their house sef.
Become a father
When people start calling you “Baba Kunle” or “Mama Nkechi” the same way they’re your parents since they had you. You can finally have some respect on your name.
Bribe them
Something has to give. If they won’t dance to your tune, give them money. Everyone likes money.
Be a disappointment
Nigerian parents become disappointed in you when you start making your decisions they don’t like. Get that tattoo, be okay with being a disappointment and live a happy life.
“Can you come over?” is an innocent four-word question people have reinterpreted to mean “booty call”.
While it won’t be easy to change the public’s view, Nigerian men don’t always mean it that way. They might actually want these things instead.
Your presence as a present
Out of sight is out of mind. They want to prevent that.
To make you fall in love
When Nigerian men really like you, they’ll dedicate all their free time to getting to know you better. A sleepover gives them all the time in the world to look dreamily into your eyes and ignite that spark in you too.
Loyalty tactic
This is a move they’ve devised to show your chasers that you’re taken and not for the streets.
To be treated like babies
Nigerian men crave the baby boy treatment. They want to be able to lay their head on your chest throughout the night. Their exterior may say “hard guy”, but deep down:
A cautionary survey
They want to know your sleeping habits. Do you snore like a frog, ramble in your sleep or sleepwalk? They don’t write these things on the forehead, you know.
To check if you’re a prayer warrior
Another reason why Nigerian men love sleepovers so much is because they get to do night vigils with you, spend the weekend together and end up in church on Sunday. Is it not our elders that say couples who pray together, stay together? We talk to God in this house, dear.
Nothing at all
They just need someone they like around them, but if you offer them the other thing, they’d still appreciate it and proceed to eat it like grocery.
The odds of hearing about a cis Nigerian man curling his toes from prostate pleasure is minimal. But we all know homophobia is the reason the “male g-spot” doesn’t rank high for many cis men, but it’s a hit if you’re adventurous enough to try it.
I’m not trying to impose, but this might just be the new level of sexual pleasure you want to unlock.
First off, what’s the “male g-spot”?
It’s also called the p-spot (prostate spot), but how are cis men to be convinced this is another way to get mind-blowing orgasms if we don’t borrow the “g-spot” from the female sexual design? As the name implies, it’s a sexually sensitive walnut-sized gland that’s just located below the bladder.
The sweet spot
The prostate can be found approximately two inches inside the rectum. It can be stimulated in two different ways, it all balls down to your comfort. You can stimulate externally by rubbing the perineum (a sensitive, erogenous zone between the testicles and anus). Or internally through the rectum, the most direct way.
You might not believe this, but the prostate has almost the same level of sensitivity that the clitoris does. It’s a full-body orgasm ting, bro.
Are you with me?
Eunuch aren’t left out
Demasculinization is the removal of testicles and suppression of male hormones, which is what eunuchs have to do to be, you know, eunuchs. But even they aren’t left out of prostate enjoyment.
Has nothing to do with your sexuality
The male g-spot doesn’t have jack to do with your sexual orientation. Defeat the toxic masculinity, and talk to your partner about it. What’s a hot sex life without explorations?
Set the mood
You want to be fully relaxed and aroused to enjoy the utmost prostate pleasure. It’s totally up to you, but things like a hot shower, foreplay, sensual massages will keep the balls jiggling.
Always be prepared
Once you’ve made up for it, your safety and comfort are next. Clean fingers, short nails, lube. Don’t do anything without water-based lube (the best) or lube shooter (if that’s preferred) — solo or with a partner.
Baby steps
Start slowly. Gently rub and stroke your perineum, try different speeds for different sensations. Iskelebebetiolebebe.
Try a prostate massager
If you’re comfortable enough, why not? Prostate massagers are more available than you think. Do your research, homeboy.
Fear of bowel movement?
It’s a valid question, especially for a first-time explorer. Shit happens, sometimes. Have wipes nearby, just in case.
Breathe and enjoy
Your body’s natural reaction to a prostate massage will probably be to hold in a bit of tension. Try relaxing the body and muscles. Don’t hold your breath, slowly inhale and exhale. Don’t unalive yourself before your time.
Let’s talk about what men do when their significant others aren’t home, shall we? Seven Nigerian men open up to us about how they spend their time when they’re home alone.
“Everything annoys me when my wife’s gone for too long” — Kabir, 28, Lagos
We’ve been married for 11 months. My wife hasn’t travelled since we got married, but I do , once in a while, because I’m a civil engineer. If she travels for a few days , I’ll probably appreciate the freedom of being alone because we’re always in the same space. Audio and video calls will be constant sha. But anything wey pass one week, I’ll start missing her. I don’t even see a situation where we’re apart for more than a week. If it somehow happens, I’ll spend my time hanging out with my friends, but knowing myself, I’ll just start getting angry because I miss her.
“I’m constantly in touch through calls and messages” — Ayo, 34, Chicago
Just having someone you love around is special. But one can’t have her around all the time because of work. My woman is only around for less than 30% of the time. When she isn’t around, there’s more time with the boys, work and TV. But I’m also constantly in touch through calls and text, to manage the lack of presence.
“I read or write and compose music” — Feyi, 40, Akure
If my wife takes a trip with her work colleagues, I get a bit jealous. If she travels alone, I have anxiety because of safety concerns. I love her so much, if possible, she’d be with me all the time. When she has to travel for a long time, video calls help a lot. Alternatively, I stay at home (I’m an introvert) and read or write and compose music.
“I bury myself in work and use music as therapy” — Ife, 29, Lagos
There’s a whole lot of difference when she’s not around. Omo, I dey miss her die. Her touch, presence, food. My wife is the owner and manager of our house, so it’s not the same without her. But I’m never jealous because I know she’s coming back. So in the meantime, I’m home alone, and it’s mostly fast food while I bury myself in work and use music as therapy.
“I take care of the kids with the nanny” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
Having someone to gossip and share moments with, her cooking, kisses and warm hugs — I miss all that. My kids feel it when she’s not around, but I think it affects me the most. I focus on tending to the kids, with the help of the nanny, and I listen to lots of music.
“I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook.” — Demola, 30, Lagos
When you’ve been with someone for so long, there’s an uneasiness you feel when they’re not around — especially for long periods. Luckily, my wife and I are homebodies, so even when we have to go out, we’re both thinking of the quickest possible way to return home. We hardly sleep out or keep late nights.
When she’s around, there’s this unexplained ease I feel just knowing there’s someone I can occasionally snuggle and strike the most random conversations with, hug when I need her or get her to distract me when the pressure from work is mounting. Think of the sudden emptiness you feel when PHCN takes the light; it’s what I feel when she’s not around. I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook. In fact, just some days ago, she mentioned how reassuring it is to know that she can always return home from an outing and I’ll be there.
“Things are boring when she’s not around” — Adeola, 31, Ogbomoso
We’ve been running a business together for a few years now, so we used to stay in the office together, always in each other’s face. We even got on each other’s nerves sometimes. But we recently had to expand, and she’s started managing our new branch. It’s quite difficult adjusting to her not being with me at our old branch, so I sometimes make her skip work because things are boring when she’s not around.
It creates a vacuum at home too; the house gets bigger, and I get angry because everything seems boring. I try to watch a movie, but I still feel her absence because she’s the type to always ask questions, so the silence feels awkward. I don’t cook or eat in the house when my wife’s not around because we always eat from the same plate, and I don’t feel comfortable eating alone anymore. The only thing that keeps my mind distracted from her absence is comedy skits from my favourite comedians on social media. I prefer when we go out, have fun and see places together.
In the thick of fuel subsidy frustrations and criminal price hike on everything, Nigerian men still found ways to be hilarious, especially on Twitter. Here’re some of them:
Napoli just splurged €100 million on its striker, Nigerian footballer, Victor Osimehn and the guy been in Lagos for a few weeks, going around and chilling. In this current Nigeria?
11. The second Lagos
Finally visited Peckham and all I can say is no way you’re living there and be home sick.
First thing I saw was jedi spot, then Amala spot, then the next shop was playing pasuma.
Life Hack : If You don’t have money for food, just buy something to eat. If you don’t have money to buy something, just eat the food You currently have.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Nine and Mudi’s friendship started in 2019 with a similar taste for certain types of music. With over three years of friendship, they talk to #ZikokoMyBro about ditching classes for their interests in crypto and tech, which has improved their standard of living.
Nine and Mudi
How long have you been friends?
Mudi: Four years. That was probably around 2019.
Nine: June, 2019 actually.
How did you meet?
Mudi: It was in uni. We stayed on the same hostel block.
Nine: And we’re both engineering students. We’ve seen each other in class and hostel.
What was the first connection?
Nine: It was our matric day. Both of us stayed back in the hostel (laughs).
Mudi: Yeah, I didn’t want to go for the matric. I woke up late and I saw somebody who also didn’t feel like going. I approached him and asked, “how far, you no go matric?” He said he’d go most likely later. Did he go? Find out next year.
Nine: (Laughs) Bro, that was like our first interaction. The whole matric vibe was dead. So we stayed back.
That was the only connection?
Mudi: When Post Malone’s Hollywood’s Bleeding album came out, I didn’t have a music player to jam it. But someone constantly played the music out loud on my hostel floor. I always wondered who it was because I really fuck with Posty’s music, then I went to check who the DJ was and turned out it was Nine.
Nine: So from there, we started talking about music and school.
Mudi: We skipped classes a lot too (laughs).
Nine: Sometimes I’d be in class, he’d be nowhere to be found. When I wake up sometimes, I often discover I’m not the only one sitting back in the hostel, Mudi is around too. We began spending time together.
Mudi: One time, a math test was coming up, so we went to the class. We didn’t understand a single thing the lecturer taught. We eventually left and did our first night class together to read for the course. That made us closer. My fellow unserious nigga.
Nine: We didn’t want to fail. We knew who sent us to school. Even though we’ve never liked school, we still wanted to try our best with it. And that’s how it has been until now. I think that’s a bond for us too.
Mudi: Thankfully we’re almost done. Just a year left.
What was your first impression of each other?
Mudi: He seemed cool, but I wasn’t sure until he interacted during the matric. He was a calm guy and he minded his business. The music too, no one was listening to Post Malone on the hostel floor that time.
Nine: Other guys would bash our taste.
Mudi: Na Naira Marley boys dey play for speaker. I’ve nothing against that, but I was happy immediately when I heard Post Malone from him. I was happy I wasn’t alone; like thank God o, make e no go be like na me be the only foreigner for this entire place.
Nine: It was just cool. The vibes were just right. Having someone that likes the same things as you, almost the same way you do, I couldn’t ask for more.
Apart from stabbing classes?
Mudi: We actually went through sapa together too.
Nine: Ah. Fuck. We don suffer before we begin soft. Now, things are better than good.
Mudi: We don dey soft small, I’ll not lie. ‘Cause previously, it was sick man. We’d be cooking spaghetti when it’s past 12 a.m because that was when we had money. Just two of us. It wasn’t funny, man.
Nine: It’s plenty o, but there was another mad phase in 100 level. We stayed away from parties because we couldn’t afford tickets. Other guys were there, not us.
Mudi: We no get 1k for ticket, even though we always dress nice. But there was no money. We’d tell each other about parties that were happening but we’d discourage each other from going.
Nine: We’d decide not to go. When people asked we just told them it’d be a boring party and kept it moving.
Mudi: When we stroll past the party venues, we’d just shake our heads. Because of 1k. The only parties we went to happened because I was part of the organisers and I quickly pocketed some tickets. Looking back at it now, it’s crazy. Now, we’re the ones hosting parties and running things.
What was your situation after 100 level?
Nine: Things got a bit better. We began staying together from 200 level till now. We went from hostel floormates to flatmates off campus. I moved out and he moved in with me.
Mudi: Aside from the music and truancy, we decided to grow together. It was like, this is what I’m doing at this point, what are you doing? Let’s make each other’s lives better. It was still rough, but way better than how we used to be.
How did you guys go from being broke to renting out an apartment off campus?
Mudi: Na bull run o. It saved our lives. That period, the prices of tokens were generally rising. There was more inflow of cash to the crypto market and that in turn yielded more profits on investments.
Nine: It was the bull run, man. We thank God.
Mudi: Nine actually introduced me to crypto. In fact, he had been eating good from it before I got into it. It was around the lockdown period. There was distance between us. I was in Lagos but we got talking and he gradually introduced me to it. And we started working hand-in-hand. Little money here and there served us.
Nine: We did stuff together to make money. We’re like the real life crypto bros. There’s also tech stuff. Mudi is a game developer. Got into tech before me. He taught me basic things I needed at that time. Supplied me tutorial materials and made sure I didn’t miss anything. I do UI/UX now.
Mudi: Omo, let me not lie, it’s hard sometimes. Trading coins, buying and selling NFTs, creating and running crypto projects, etc. Dem dey chop our eyes, we dey chop their eyes too sha. It’s wins and losses; steady wins, major losses. I remember how hard it was starting from the ground up a couple times. Same as getting back up from a couple of bad investments. The space is very unkind to whoever gives up and we just pull through with knowledge and experience.
Nine: It’s what has kept us not only afloat but majorly above what we should be running at this level. Nobody wants to hire an undergraduate for doing something they don’t know entirely and man has to feed, look good and still chest billings. I think we’ve been trying sha; learning, working and taking care of self. It’s been better.
How do you hold yourselves accountable?
Mudi: Hmm.. by being vocal. I don’t mind if disagreements probably come from it (we’d settle in few hours). Long as I let you know you’re know when you fuck up and need to do better. He knows me.
Nine: You know I’m the same way too, bro. In doing that and getting things off our chests, we also make sure no one has any pent up resentments or anger. Air out the grievances and make the other party knows how we can do better moving forward.
Mudi: Also, it’s harder than it seems most times because we regularly have to show up for both aspects of our lives (school and our individual career paths). The solution I put forward for us is to regularly have checks about school work outside our friendship. It helps us know what’s happening regarding school. For each other, we develop a reading schedule close to exams and tests and we get stuff done at least.
What holds your friendship together?
Mudi: We always stay in contact, whether we’re in the same area or not. We like to know what’s going on with each other, so there’s no information that’s lost between us at any point.
Nine: We don’t have major friends outside of each other. We’re secluded from school right now. Another thing, we don’t hide anything from each other. Nobody does something without telling the other person what they are up to. Just like the crypto and the tech thing. That’s how it is.
Mudi: I also think the drive for our friendship is fueled by our ability to be there for each other at any point; heartbreaks, finances, even school (laughs). As long as I know I have his back and he has mine, I’m good to go.
Any particular time the other person came through for you?
Mudi: There are countless times, but after we moved from the hostel to an apartment outside school, things were a bit slow for me because I’d just started getting into the crypto space. Nine helped me with funds, taking me through the baby steps, ensuring I was always in the know about what was happening, and helped me even when I needed help with cash.
Nine: There’s been a lot but there was a time I was sick and had to go home. We had a test in school, he took my test for me and submitted.
Mudi: Other things done for each other probably includes being wingmen for each other when it comes to getting women (laughs). Also basic house stuff like cooking and making sure the other person has something to eat when they get back from somewhere.
What would you change about each other and your friendship?
Nine: It’s the money sha. If we were richer, we’d be doing crazy things together.
Mudi: There are many things we’ve been dreaming of doing together. We’ve banging ideas but funds are necessary. Nothing happens when the money is low. I just hope we’ll work harder than we’re now, so that we can get to where we want to be.
Nine: There was a time we got supplies for clothing and made these custom lightning pants but we couldn’t continue with the mass production even though the final product was really nice. It’s little things like this that spark our desire to upgrade to better positions.
So it’s not just crypto and tech?
Mudi: No. We’ve a small fashion startup.
I create custom made fits and I also paint on clothes. The lightning pants were for my fashion brand. Nine handles the creative direction for the brand and also in general. It launched during the lockdown. I made a couple of products, particularly painted trousers for a few people and demos and we got good reviews.
Where do you see yourselves together in five years?
Mudi: Personally, I see myself managing Nine’s music career. Honestly I’d be content with that. He should blow up and I’ll manage his music. Funny thing, I didn’t even know he made music until later I heard some songs he did. I listened and loved them. Since then I’ve been telling him we’ve to push his music.
Nine: I see us making more money together, travelling the world and just achieving.
Music is just what I do when I am alone, tbh. It’s not really a major thing for me. That was why I hardly say anything about it. Most people still don’t know I make music. But I’ll work on being more visible.
What have you always wanted to tell each other?
Nine: Hmmm, it’s the usual sweet stuff we’ve always said na (laughs). Mudi is awesome, nice, cool and great. He knows I have his back anytime, though.
Mudi: Na macho man, he no dey do emotions.
As for me, what I always wanted to let him know is that I like how he works hard towards everything he gets his hands on. His attitude towards life is what I admire too. Although we can change and switch things up, for now this is it. Also, I want to thank him particularly for stuff he’s done for me in the past. I wouldn’t be here without him.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Nigerian men getting accolades from foreign women isn’t new but it’s getting more popular than before. Video clips of women from other countries, hailing them for their skills in romance and sexual prowess are all over the internet.
Nigerian men are like the biblical prophets that aren’t loved in their own land, but somewhere else.
Agenda or not, we investigated and these are probably the reasons why Nigerian men’s stocks have been skyrocketing abroad and the women there are rushing to buy.
Most persistent
Give it up for Nigerian men’s persistence. Tell them you’re engaged or use your husband’s pic as your DP, Nigerian men still won’t be deterred. They want what they want. Other men sit tight when they hear Nigerian men.
They’re good actors
If these men aren’t acting out scripts for these foreign women that love them, why do Nigerian women drag them even if it’s 3 AM?
Someone said Nigerian men are forming saints because of strict laws abroads.
Because y’all treat abroad women better. There is a system in place to fuck you up when you maltreatment a woman abroad! But in Nigeria, y’all give the bottom barrel behavior to nigerian women. https://t.co/sQoYb9Qux2
— 🧚♀️Oluwadamilolatikiitan🧚♀️ (@princess_shewah) June 18, 2023
Billionaire onye ji cash
Nigerian men strongly believe in the power of money to keep relationships. They’re well-known big spenders that spare nothing when it comes to spoiling women. Isn’t that valid enough reason to become intercontinental darlings?
Intense penising must be Nigerian men’s default feature. If not, foreign women won’t jump at any chance to affirm that the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Another proof all the way from Asia.
What Nigerian men have done to the international community is not good ooo 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/DMCpBlOUG5
When you start buying too much into your own hype, you get less in touch with reality. How can it not be a delusion if Nigerian women don’t agree with their foreign counterparts?
Nigerian men’s PR is soo bad 😭😭because how is my dad sitting me down to tell me nigerian men are bad for me and i should stay clear of them
Because Nigerian men typically treat foreign women with more care than they do Nigerian women. Nigerian women are expected to jump through hoops to be chosen & they are also expected to live with way too many shortcomings that is not expected of foreign women. https://t.co/di5BTz7Gnm
Maybe it’s just some heavy, organisedPR we’re seeing lately.
But two truths can coexist, right?
Let’s go argue it out.
When Nigerian women say “Nigerian men treat foreign women better” the important context that’s always missing is that foreign women “treat Nigerian men better too” Different expectations + experiences = different outcomes.
Nigerian men have audacity. That “I’ve to see it through, my boy” type of audacity. But at the sudden mention of blind dates, they lose sight of the endgame.
They may argue that it’s not a popular concept in Nigeria and say they’re not desperate for love, but we know actual reasons why they avoid it.
They like making their own decisions
If you like, know Nigerian men best, know what satisfies them and what turns them on and off, they’ll twist it and say you don’t think they’re decisive. To them, that’s putting their eggs in someone else’s basket in their book. Best to leave them to their ultimate search for love.
They’re on all the dating apps
Blind dates aren’t Nigerian men’s cup of tea. Everything is easier now, they can just hop on RCCG’s ConnectNow and swipe till they find their spec.
Likely to meet an ex
Men that have slept with the whole Nigeria. Especially Abuja and Lagos men. They won’t go on blind dates because the chances that it’s a babe they’ve ghosted is high.
Everywhere is hard
Where’s the money? In these agbado times? The cost of living is too high to risk it. They’re blind to blind dates.
Nigerian men think of themselves as odogwu and king of boys, but they can’t handle rejection. Ego gets bruised and they start asking if they’re not good-looking enough and start showing banks accounts. These same men on blind dates?
Avoid becoming Twitter gist
Nothing sends cold shivers down a man’s spine more than scenes where his date goes on Twitter to sew threads about the experience. The fear of dragging is the beginning of wisdom.
Forming hard guy
Blind dates are for hopeless romantics. Small heartbreak, Nigerian men can’t take. The way they say “is it love we’ll eat?”, “money over everything,” you’ll realise 24 hours isn’t enough time for them to think about money. But the truth is, they’re just running from heartbreak.
Artistes are stepping up and sharing personal experiences about mental health, which is bringing the topic into the spotlight and inspiring others to open up too.
June is men’s mental health month and though it may come as news to some men, we hope it becomes a normalised culture that won’t need reminder at its time. Here are a few deep-cut songs,with themes around mental health that men should listen to.
Trigger Warning: there are mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
Duade — Show Dem Camp ft. Cina Soul
In 2019, SDC released its classic album, Clone Wars IV: These Buhari Times; an audio-documentary of the Nigerian political, cultural and mental ecosystem. The fourth track, Duade, (featuring Ghanaian singer-songwriter Cina Soul,) explores the topic of masculinity and depression. Tec opens the song with a message about how men in this part of the world don’t have an outlet to talk and often grow up thinking it’s wrong to express themselves emotionally or be vulnerable.
A Self Evaluation of Yxng Dxnzl — M.I Abaga ft. Niyola
This song starts with a voice note of M.I’s mum telling him to always do the right things and not forget where he comes from and. But all M.I wants to do is “drink, fuck, smoke, chill, party all day still,” with an admission that he’s been battling a deep depression and can be the worst guy sometimes.
This song comes from his most vulnerable piece of art, Yxng Dxnzl (A Study on Self Evaluation). Across the ten-track album, listeners experience the rapper at his most human and honest form, tying mental health awareness with his personal journey, insecurities and short samples of his therapy sessions at the end of each song.
Wetin We Gain — Victor AD
Wetin We Gain was of the biggest hits of 2018. Apart from its catchy chorus and relatability, different meanings (like quick wealth and internet scams) have been attached to the song, in opposition to its actual message; a cry to the heavens for a breakthrough. But it’s even deeper. The most memorable lines of the song expresses the daily fear of average Nigerian men, who feel pressure to be the breadwinners of their families.
I’m A Mess — Omah Lay
After his latest release, Boy Alone Deluxe, we can all agree Omah Lay is the current Nigerian poster boy for vulnerability and emotional travails. On I’m A Mess, he deeply expresses his broken heart, sadness, and finding escape in liquor. Baring age and gender, everyone can relate to this song due simplicity, both in production and lyricism.
It’s Okay To Cry — Yinka Bernie ft. Joyce Olong
Nigerian multidisciplinary artist Yinka Bernie accurately describes the feeling of being stuck; an experience that a lot people today can relate to, on Joyce Olong-assisted It’s Okay To Cry. Inspired by personal experiences which made Bernie doubt his music career; he soothes listeners with an encouraging message of hope and the acceptance of vulnerability “it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel lost inside.” This song feels like reassurance in audio form.
Alpha Ojini’s Tears Are Salty For A Reason EP is filled with deep cuts tracks of vulnerability, but Odeshi explores masculinity and mental health profoundly. Ogranya lays a chorus that expresses bottling up tears and other emotions, and Alpha details struggling with mom’s demise and the ‘manly’ approach his tough dad gave him to deal with the long-time grief. All of this is coupled with the mental stress of surviving Nigeria and an ex serving him breakfast. Ogranya ends the song with “I go still commit” which translates to taking one’s own life; an expression of the last resort if the darkness doesn’t stop hovering over him. It’s a powerful record that reminds one why mental health is important and issues shouldn’t be bottled.
A Song About Suicide (Mr. Babalawo Reprise) — PayBac iBoro
Nigerian rapper PayBac iBoro has been a big advocate of mental health since he made an official entry into the Nigeria music industry in 2015. On his 2018 album, The Biggest Tree (his present to all depressed West African kids), is A Song About Suicide. PayBac expresses strong suicidal thoughts and his final wishes after he’s gone, over a dark fusion of Afrobeats, African percussion, trumpets sounds — all instruments you’d find at interments. Overall, the song is based on his fight to hold tightly to life and his beloved family and friends.
Dance In The Rain — 2face Idibia
This is one of 2Baba’s greatest recordings. A record that pushes a message of deep appreciation for life and enjoying it, taking every breath of air, being present in the moment and staying open to possibilities. In a period like this, this song is a good refresher and great reminder to chin up and stay positive.
How Bad Could It Be — Burna Boy
Off of Burna Boy’s 2022 album Love, Damini, this song opens with the voices of U.K singer Jorja Smith, Nigerian boxer Kamaru Usman, dropping statements about self-control; and making rational decisions during intense situations. Burna Boy glides on the guitar and laid-back beat that accompanies it, singing about the punctures of anxiety and dreadful feeling of searching for answers in the wrong places.
take a break — Odunsi (The Engine)
Odunsi talks about his mom’s constant complaints about his absence from home. But she needs to understand he’s been busy working hard to achieve success and make her proud. If he’s not making things happen for himself, who else will? These are some of the mentally-challenging situations inspired by his personal experience, the song encourages resting and recharging to avoid burnout.
Don’t let your 9-5 or business make you miss out on the softest parenting experience. If you’re considering being a stay-at-home dad, and you need convincing, this is the right place.
PS: Points work best when your wife is a millionaire.
Overcome patriarchy
When you become a stay-at-home dad, you can stop crying about being the breadwinner. Slowly, you’ll break-free from the shackles of societal expectations of men.
Let your woman breathe
Take the role, and let her finally have time to focus on her dream job or having several girls night outs.
No more paying bills
No more school fees, housing or feeding bills resting on your shoulders. Let your breadwinner wife worry about those things.
If you’re so damn good at your stay-at-home dad role, you might never worry about working for capitalism again. You get to work for your family instead, and what’s more fulfilling than that?
You won’t miss milestone moments
Work trip on kids’ birthdays? No more. Meetings during family events? Bye-bye.
You’ll be present now and can finally stop complaining about how you miss important events because you’re grinding for what they’ll eat.
Learn basic life skills
You never know when actually knowing how to cook can make you a world record holder. You also have all the time in the world to learn how to clean up after yourself and other people, nurture a child and sing/produce nursery rhymes.
Become a full-time video-gamer
You get to play your video games during school time. And you could even make some money and recognition on the side. Win-win.
Fill a special content creation gap
Use your rich wife’s money to buy a mic, camera, ring-light and everything else vloggers use these days to create TikTok and YouTube shows. Then wake other men up to this new life with your stay-at-home chronicles.
…eight Nigerian men share how they marked the special day.
“I spent time gisting with him (my father)” — Ayodeji, 27, Lagos
I visited my dad with fruits and spent time gisting with him — he always gives me the tea around stuff going on in the family, life advice and just general gist. I also spent a good part of the day on Twitter and Instagram, where I saw some people’s negative and positive experiences with their fathers. Reading the stories made me appreciate mine more and cherish the moments spent with him.
“I celebrated at home” — Feyisayo, 40, Akure
I’m an introvert, so I was indoors with my family after Sunday service. In the morning, my wife and children presented a gift to me and told me how much they appreciate me. That’s perfect for me.
“My wife spoilt me with food” — Opeyemi, 32, Lagos
I went to church. Then, my wife took me to get a burger. At home, she made white rice and turkey stew for me. Even though I thought I was just doing my thing, my family and friends said I’ve been killing it, and the kind words got me emotional.
“I spent the day at work” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
I was at work, where I posted my kids’ pictures on socials, like I do every Father’s Day. I got some lovely messages from friends and family too, and it felt awesome.
“I spoke to my kid and had some wine” — Imoh Umoren, 40, Lagos
I video-called my kid; I work in Nigeria, and he’s in the U.S. He wished me Happy Father’s Day. Then, I opened a bottle of wine because it’s not easy. My father died when I was a teenager, so I had no chance to buy him anything. The day made me a bit sober as I contemplated the efforts I’ve put into fatherhood.
“It was a reassuring day of love for me” — Vikky, late 30s, Lagos
Unfortunately, my wife and daughter travelled on the day, but we spent the whole time before the flight taking memorable pictures. My wife’s passion and vibe mean so much to me. She made sure to tell me she appreciates my effort, reassuring me of how much she loves and cares for me. It was awesome, special, and I felt like a baby.
“I was in class for most of the day” — Femi, 29, Lagos
I had to attend my postgraduate lectures that day. But there was a huge outpouring of love for my dad in the family group chat. It felt warm, and I’m glad. I think I might’ve underrated how much I love my dad.
“I enjoy fatherhood now” — Nath, 26, Ogbomoso
I tried to run away from fatherhood — I had my kid when I was still a child myself, and it was strange for me — but it’s a thing of joy now. There was little or no time for us because I just started uni. Now, we spend more time together, and I’m happy about it. We didn’t do anything special this Father’s Day, but seeing fathers get their annual flowers was great.
Debowale*, a 28-year-old Nigerian entrepreneur, was diagnosed with hypertension (AKA high blood pressure) in late 2022. He witnessed a sharp decline in his erection after he was placed on anti-hypertensive medication and isn’t as enthusiastic about sex anymore.
“I always had this mad anxiety whenever I had to check my blood pressure. The doctors would wave it off as white-coat syndrome. But after I turned 28, I knew I had to take my health seriously because I started hearing about young people slumping and dying. On a routine hospital visit, I insisted on seeing a senior doctor. He noticed a spike in my blood pressure reading. I made like three more appointments within two weeks, and that was when I was diagnosed. The week I started taking an anti-hypertensive drug, I noticed I couldn’t always get a strong erection anymore. I got worried and mentioned it to my doctor. He said it’s one of the side effects of anti-hypertensive drugs. We’re trying to find one with less side effects, but I don’t look forward to sex like I used to; I’m finding more pleasure in foreplay these days.”
Zikoko caught up with Dr Solomon Ofeimun, a medical professional, and he had some answers for men like Debowale who are fighting silent battles.
Are men at a higher risk of hypertension?
Medical statistics show there’s a balance between men and women now. Back in the day, more men were involved in physical activities and providing for their families. Now, all genders go through the same level of stress, but men still tend to get diagnosed later. Pregnancy, menstruation, and other factors that only affect women often drive them to the hospital where doctors can detect irregularities quickly. Many men don’t make hospital trips until sickness takes some form of physical manifestation.
Hypertension wasn’t common among younger folks before 2021. What’s happening?
A rise in pre-employment medical screening is helping us diagnose the condition in a lot of young folks. The trend of diagnoses is most common among youths in urban areas. Those in rural areas aren’t subjected to tests like these, and therefore, don’t get early diagnoses.
As a guy, what happens to your sexual life after diagnosis?
It depends on the stage. There’s the pre-hypertensive stage, hypertensive stage and hypertensive crisis. If anyone has a blood pressure reading of 140/100 or 140/90, with medication, you can still have a pretty regular sexual life. Sex is just like any cardiovascular activity — jogging, walking, etc. It’s good for the heart.
Some people take sexual activities too far, while others don’t get enough of it. I think having daily sex puts too much stress on yourself. But will you say exercising daily is stressing yourself? Moderation is key. If you have sex at an average of ten minutes daily, there should be no worry, compared to someone going for more than one hour.
So how can men who’ve been diagnosed enjoy sex?
Just make sure you take your medications as prescribed and report to your doctor if you notice any side effects. It’s also important for such men to see a licensed cardiologist and not just general practitioners. You can still have orgasms every day if that’s what you want. Just make sure you don’t push your limits. Whatever you need to do to orgasm with your partner within five to ten minutes is fine. When you start aiming for multiple orgasms or trying to impress by going at it for long, then you’ll be stressing your heart.
Anti-hypertensive drugs affect erection in some men. Is it advisable to take sexual enhancement drugs too?
Diagnosed with high blood pressure or not, you shouldn’t take sexual boosters anyhow. As a man, you should consult your urologist first. It’s important to also discuss your sexual worries with a sex therapist. Sometimes, mental or emotional stress can affect your sexual life, in which case, you need to see a psychologist. Sexual boosters should only be taken when prescribed.
But are there anti-hypertensive drugs that don’t interfere with a man’s erection?
Yes, we have some with less side effects. Just discuss your concerns with your cardiologist, and they’ll know what suits your situation best. They know how to modify medications, and sometimes, prescribe a singular tablet that combines everything you need.
Are the rumours about watermelon, tiger nuts and bitter kola true? Do they really help your sex life?
One of the things that helps with a strong erection is sustained blood circulation to the muscles of the penis. That’s what makes it turgid. The fruits you mentioned are good anti-oxidants; they cleanse your body system for proper blood circulation. It’s not just about having stronger erections; it’s about cleansing the system. And of course, once your system is better, your penis will benefit from it.
Can the sexual side effects of these drugs be reversed once you stop the medication?
Reducing the dosage or frequency of usage will not automatically take you to where you’re coming from. As long as your blood pressure is within the normal range, you should be fine. Remember, a lot of factors affect sexual motivation and pleasure, other than blood circulation or hypertension.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Dubem and Felix have been friends for over 20 years, even though they didn’t speak to each other for almost a decade. In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, they talk about starting a rap group as teenagers, falling for the same girl in university and the tragic loss that reunited them again in 2020.
Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?
Dubem: We attended the same secondary school back in 1997. Felix was my older brother’s school son. It was a boarding school, my first time away from home, and my brother introduced us because he wanted someone to look out for me.
Felix: You were supposed to be my school son even though I was in JSS 2. But I knew you’d give me plenty wahala from the moment we met.
What were your first impressions of each other?
Dubem: Felix was a busybody. I come from a strict home, so being in boarding school was my first taste of freedom. I was among the most popular boys in JSS 1, skipping class and attending every social night. However, Felix was always there to tattletale on visiting days. He’d come over to my family and play the tape of all I’d been doing. I couldn’t stand him.
Felix: I thought he was a spoiled brat. I come from a family where we didn’t have much, so I understood responsibility early on. He was wasting his time gallivanting around instead of focusing on school. In hindsight, that freedom to be himself away from home must’ve been an enormous relief. I admit that I took my school father thing a little too seriously.
It wasn’t until I got into SS 1 that we finally connected and became friends.
How did you guys connect?
Felix: Rap music.
Come again?
Felix: Yes, rap music o. This was the 1990s, and rap music was the biggest thing. Everyone thought they could be MCs, and I used to write bars and freestyle in private.
Dubem: I didn’t think he was cool until I heard him rapping DMX’s Get at Me Dog one day. I’ll never forget because DMX had just dropped Its Dark and Hell is Hot, and I was still learning his flow. This guy already knew everything word for word. I told him I was a DMX fan, and we started talking about rap.
Felix: I was shocked. I thought he’d be into the white pop music stuff, but this boy knew his shit when it came to rap, talking about Big Pun, Busta, Ice Cube and Dr Dre. We got so deep into the conversation that I did something I’d never done with anyone before, I shared some of my rap songs with him.
Dubem: I was blown away by how personal and tight they were. I gave him some of my mediocre bars, and we decided to start a rap group that day. We called ourselves Redemption Crew.
Like Rihanna fans say every day, “Where is the album?”
Felix: We didn’t put one out. Now that I think about it, our name sounds like that of a hip Pentecostal church choir. But it was hot back then, sha. We really thought we’d become big-time rappers.
Dubem: It’s not too late. We can resign and chase our dreams. Abi, what do you think?
Felix: That’s a hard pass for me, please. LOL.
So what happened to the Redemption Crew?
Dubem: We both went to UNILAG, fell in love with the same girl and everything scattered.
Back up. It’s a lie.
Felix: Unfortunately for all our potential fans, he’s telling the truth. We had a few popular songs in secondary school because we kept performing at social nights and parties. I eventually left for UNILAG in 2002, and Dubem came in a year later. University was different. The stakes were higher, and school was intense. Despite this, we still worked on the low and had plans to chase the rap thing once we were done.
Dubem: That was until I met Ebele. My first girlfriend in university and the first girl I ever loved. She was in her first year, just like me, and we had an elective course together. It was love at first sight for me, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to go out with me. We started dating, and my life was perfect.
Felix: I met Ebele through Dubem and didn’t think too much of her. They shared an elective, but she was in my department, so I saw her more often. We only started talking because of Dubem, and it was surface-level. However, when they started having problems, she came to me, and the conversations changed.
Dubem: Our problems started about a year into our relationship. I got involved with some weird guys and started struggling with school work. Instead of finding a solution, I took it out on her by being distant. I’d stay with these guys and disappear for weeks. It was my fault. I was also distant from Felix. I pushed you guys towards each other.
Felix: My friendship with Ebele started from our mutual complaints about Dubem. It helped that we both had someone to share the stress this man was putting us through. He eventually got his shit together, but it was too late because she was over it. I’m his friend, so I was still there.
Felix, how did your relationship with Ebele become romantic?
Felix: It started in 2005 when I was in my final year, and almost two years after they were together. Ebele and I had gotten closer, but I didn’t even know how much I liked her until she kissed me while I was tutoring her. We both felt guilty about that kiss, but our feelings had become undeniable. I couldn’t lie to myself or my friend. Dubem had to know.
Dubem: I knew about their friendship and thought it was cool, but kissing? I lost my shit when he told me. He didn’t date anyone all the time he was in school, and now that he finally decided to see someone, he chose my ex? I was livid. I started replaying scenarios in my head. Had he been playing me from the start? Did he always want my babe?
Felix: I explained how our feelings grew as best as I could, and just sat there and let him have a go at me. I deserved it. What I’d done was horrible, but I was tired of running away from how I felt.
How did you guys figure it out?
Dubem: I stopped talking to both of them. I couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t owe it to them to pretend that I was okay with it. I’d lost my best friend and a girl that was special to me, all at the same time. It was hard. And then I heard Felix moved abroad, which sealed it for me. We were done. RIP Redemption Crew.
Felix: Lagos, scratch that; Nigeria, wasn’t big enough for us after what I did. I felt so embarrassed. I’d become that guy who breaks bro code and gets with his friend’s ex. I had to move far away from those who knew us, so I pursued my master’s in America. Ebele came to join me, and we got married in 2008.
Dubem: I heard about their wedding from his cousin, which reopened the wound. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be in the same room with him again. We didn’t see or talk again for 13 years until I got a call from Ebele after the lockdown in 2020.
What was the call about?
Dubem: She called to tell me that they’d lost their son in the height of the pandemic, my friend was a wreck, and they were moving back to Nigeria. I was shocked when I realised who I was speaking to. The Ebele I knew was soft-spoken, but this Ebele was direct and uncompromising. She didn’t beg me to show up for my friend; she told me to.
Felix: That’s Ebele for you. She’s always in control. But yes, that loss took me to a dark place. I had built a life in Texas, but I knew it was time to come back to the life I knew here. Losing my son in a place where my support system was shallow changed my perspective on coming home. I knew it was time, but I immediately started feeling anxious about Dubem, and I think my wife sensed that.
She eventually told me she’d spoken to him and set up a meeting for when we returned to Lagos.
How did this meeting go?
Dubem: I’m not ashamed to say there was a lot of crying. I’m a dad too, so I could connect to what they were both going through. These two people still matter to me regardless of what happened in university. Seeing Felix like that, I wanted to be there for him.
Felix: I was sweating a lot the day he came over to our place. Seeing him again brought back all the memories of writing lyrics in our notebooks and planning our lives together. It felt like I was in boarding school again. I didn’t know how much I’d missed him until I saw him.
Regardless of how I felt, I knew it was important to talk about what happened if we were going to move on from it.
Dubem: I think he wanted to be sure I wouldn’t randomly stab him one day . LOL. The talk was necessary sha. He apologised again and spoke for hours. But honestly, I’d moved on. I loved Ebele, but we were never meant to be, and that’s fine. I’m married to the love of my life. I’ve never been happier.
So how’s your relationship now?
Felix: We’re in a great place. We were intentional about not rushing into anything or overwhelming each other. We had the occasional family Sunday dinners and slowly graduated to hanging out alone and doing things together. I was scared we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other when we were alone, but we still had much in common. And most importantly, we still love each other.
Dubem: We always have something to talk about, Felix. We’re still the same guys who loved DMX in school, it’s just that you have some grey hairs, which makes you old, and you also think Pusha T is a better rapper than Kendrick Lamar.
Felix: But he is.
Dubem: I think that’s what our kids call a red flag.
With so much history between you two, would you change anything about your friendship?
Dubem: The time we spent apart. I wish we’d spent it getting to know each other better as we got older. We were apart for most of our 30s, and that’s time we’ll never get back again.
Felix: True. I would’ve loved to meet Dubem, the first-time dad.
Dubem: No, please. That was a crazy time. That girl wouldn’t stop crying and shouting everywhere we went. I always looked like a madman.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Dubem: I know a part of you still carries some guilt because of what happened in school, but I want you to know that I forgive you. I meant it when I said it in 2020, and I mean it now. I’m so happy to have you back in my life. I can see us in our 80s arguing about rap music over glasses of scotch. You’re my man, and I’ll always have your back.
Felix: Thank you, Dubby. You’ve made moving back home such a seamless process; there’s no way it would’ve worked without you. I love you, and I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. Your authenticity has been consistent since the day we met, and it’s one of the few things I can always count on, no matter what.
No, I’m not crying.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
African dads are known to put on a tough exterior but things can get overwhelming for those who are widowed especially on special occasions like Father’s Day in Nigeria.
It’s a day that can quickly bring up mixed emotions, and we don’t want that especially if daddy has been nothing short of sweet and amazing. So, let’s talk about these heartwarming ways to celebrate your widowed dad on Father’s Day.
Spend quality time
If you’re looking to make the best of Father’s Day in Nigeria for your widowed dad, quality time should be at the top of your list. You’ll be surprised that daddy doesn’t even want fancy gifts or ‘paranra players’. Just show up and remind him that he’s not alone.
Cook up something he loves
Daddy has most likely missed the taste of your late mum’s food but you know who has the closest chance of teasing his taste buds again? You, yes you. Think of what he enjoys the most and stock his freezer with it. It could be afang soup, egusi or ewa adalu.
Handmade cards
It’s time to get creative with some DIY projects especially if daddy has grandkids. Enlist the help of the little ones to make customized cards and write personalized messages to him. This will for sure bring smiles to his face and remind him that he’s loved.
Remind him that you love him
If there’s a right time for him to be reminded about this vital piece of information, Father’s Day is just perfect. Either by text or calls, remind daddy that he’s the absolute love of your life. You’ll probably get a “thank you” or “you’re blessed” in response, sha.
Plan a date
Depending on if daddy is open to finding romantic love again, you can play the matchmaker. It makes him comfortable and clears the feeling of guilt he might have about being with someone else. However, we recommend keeping him in the loop.
Create a customised playlist
Music is powerful and helps people get through tough times. If you don’t already know, here’s another thoughtful way to celebrate your widowed dad during Father’s Day in Nigeria. If the loss is fairly recent, curate a list of songs he and your late mum loved. It will evoke a feeling of comfort and lift him whenever he listens to it.
Go outside
Outside is therapeutic and what better day to hit the streets with your old man than Father’s Day? Take daddy to your favourite spot, or his favourite spot. Could be Fela’s Shrine or a strip club, or even church fellowship. As long as he likes it there.
Father’s Day comes once a year. To celebrate 2023’s edition, seven Nigerian men talk to Zikoko about their ideal Father’s Day celebration.
“All I do is put up pictures of my kids on socials” — Ifeanyi, 37, Benin
Celebrating Father’s Day has always been something my wife and kids do for me rather than me doing anything for myself. They wish me Happy Father’s Day, and sometimes, get me gifts. All I really do is celebrate fatherhood by putting up pictures of my kids on some socials. That’s the ideal Father’s Day for me. It’s worth noting and celebrating the life of a father or man with responsibilities, and I appreciate it.
“I’d likely be a father myself before I celebrate one” — Yinka, 30, Lagos
I’ve never really cared about Father’s Day or how it’s celebrated. I was raised by a single mum; my dad wasn’t present at all. So it’s a normal day for me, especially since it doesn’t get a lot of buzz like Mother’s Day and special celebrations for women. If I ever consider celebrating, maybe I’d be a father myself first. But right now, it’s just another day for me.
“Sometimes, I don’t want to be a father at all” — Vick, 23, Ilorin
Let me begin by saying fathers are not celebrated well enough. Everybody knows, but we never complain. Just check how many songs we have for mothers and match it to the ones for fathers.
I don’t have anything planned for my father on this less anticipated day. But God knows I’m trying my best to make it big and give this man the best life. He has dream cars, houses etc., but he prioritises my demands and works hard to meet my needs. I pray to God to spare his life so he can reap the fruit of his good labour. I think of him and cry sometimes. Being the head of a family isn’t always joyful. Sometimes, I don’t even want to be a father at all. It’s a lot.
“It’s a mellow day for me” — Juwon, 34, Sagamu
Oh, I miss my dad. It’ll be a mellow day as usual. I’ll write a song as I’ve done in the last three years, call his wife and relive great moments. God bless his soul.
“Fathers shouldn’t be neglected in their old age” — Folasayo, 59, Ogbomoso
A father should celebrate having kids and his ability to train them to be better people. It’s an important day, and it should be spent with family, love and gifts. Especially older fathers, they shouldn’t feel neglected in their old age.
“I’d love to surprise my dad with a visit to the spa” — Maleek, 27, Ilorin
I don’t really have anything planned, but here’s how my ideal father’s Day would look.
My dad works really hard. Even when you tell him to take a day off, he’d start fixing broken stuff around the house. On Father’s Day, I’d love to surprise him with a visit to the spa. We’d both get a full body massage, relax in one of those hot rooms with thick, white towels around our waist, get haircuts and some facial treatments and get our feet and nails cleaned too.
Next up, we’d go for a medical consultation. He’ll get the best recommendations on natural supplements to boost his immunity and overall health. Then, we’ll go and buy some expensive native clothes. I know he likes lace materials a lot. We’ll get those and go over to the tailor’s shop. Finally, we’ll buy all sorts of chops and drinks to be enjoyed at home with everyone.
I’m one of four boys, so I know I might not have him for a full day. But that’s how I would love to spend Father’s Day with my dad.
“If possible, I’d get him a gift” — Abisola, 32, Lagos
We no really send Father’s Day, but I like the fact that we have a day that celebrates men who’re fathers. I think it makes a lot of sense. Regardless of the hard guy thing, I think we all want to be celebrated. Well, I’ll call my dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, post him on all socials and make him feel good about himself. If possible, I’d get him a gift.
You’re the groom’s right hand man on his wedding day and everything that leads up to it. But do you know you fit the role only for these reasons?
To be the bodyguard
The groom knows that in the event of a disruption, you can throw hands. Before they get to him and stain him and his bride’s white, you’d be there to defend them.
Zikoko Meme
You’re the perfect hypeman
You’re not the MC, but your energy is unmatched. How will the wedding party be the talk of the town without you, the life of the party? The bride and groom can’t be too tired to turn up for their wedding day; your duty is to ginger them.
Zikoko Meme
Your managerial skills
Yes, there’s a wedding planner, but this is still a Nigerian wedding. While making sure the planner makes sure the DJ arrives early, you’re helping the groom vibe check the venue’s setup and ensuring all your friends are comfortably fed. Nobody will make sure of these things better than you.
Zikoko Meme
The groom needs a getaway driver
Like those Hollywood movies from the 1980s, your best friend and his bride will be in the backseat while you race them away from those who want to delay their wedding night.
Zikoko Meme
ATTENTION
Zikoko
You’re the responsible one
The groom is excited about his big day, but he can’t have too much to drink or act irresponsibly. So he knew he had to do the right thing and have you behind him every step of the way.
Zikoko Meme
Single pringle
They called on you to be the best man because everyone else is already married. Take it as practice for your own wedding.
Atunbi
You have the most experience
You’ve been the best man for five friends and more than three relatives. At this point, one would think you do it for a living. Your experience is well sought out for.
Let’s find out why +40 Nigerian men receive gbas gbos every now and then.
No patience
It’s like they’ve exhausted the last strand of their patience in their 30s. They tell a woman they like her now, then expect her to process and be their babe five minutes after.
Too unbothered
Their unofficial name is “silent treatment”. If you think you have a masterclass in ignoring people, please, come and try a 40+ Nigerian man first.
Agbaya behaviour
They kiss a babe in her 20s/30s then suddenly remember she’s not their mate when they’re not on the same page. Did you forget you said she should call you by your given name and pull your beard?
Pot belly
This is the official age-group when men fully develop their potbellies. Immediately they start seeing money, the next thing is big stomach. Maybe we need to ban poundo and beer.
Hey there, catch the crazy dating stories of our 40+ anonymous writer. First story drops today.
Forming busy
40+ men after 15 seconds of hugging are already shouting, “Please, get up. I have a lot of work to do.” Workaholic, chill o.
Flirting is stressful
Aside from telling women to drop “mister” and just call you your name, do you have anything exciting to offer?
Sleeping early
After dinner, they’re always tired. Can’t watch a movie without dozing off. It’s just 9 p.m., and they’re already snoring in bed. You’re a man, FFS. Can’t you fight nature?
Unaware of trends
Can’t even blame them for this one. They don’t have Twitter accounts; you can only catch them on Facebook and WhatsApp.
Bloody liar
One of their favourite quotes is “Young woman, I’ll take care of you.” Telling these big lies all over town while your wife and three kids are at home praying for your safe return? Hmm..
Double wahala
Women suddenly realize 40+ men are worse than those in their youth.
Men realising they’ll always be dragged like Tiger gen.
It’s time to look into some things Nigerian men need to put less vim into. Zero deniability for them on these ones; Nigerian men need to chill.
Over staring
Understandable that your eyes have never seen a type of beauty, but also understand you make people uncomfortable when you pin your eyeballs on them. You need to learn to look and waka pass.
Zikoko Memes
Wack pick-up lines
Nigerian men are so funny, they’ll tickle you without touching you. But do they know you’re actually laughing at them because of their funny pick-up lines? Just say “hi”, bro.
Zikoko Memes
Calling people “boss”
Ask for their names. Their parents didn’t name them “boss” or “my g”, FFS.
Zikoko Memes
Receiving cheap gifts
Singlets and boxers were bad enough. But slippers? How did the bar go to the bottom? Can you slow down on accepting the barest minimum, please?
Have Nigerian men checked Twitter today? They’re dragging them for chasing women above their earning bracket. Not broke-shaming o, but omo, better face your front.
Zikoko Memes
Blaming the pads for your game loss
The gamepad is to help you to control your players however you like, but you can’t help but slap it on your thigh when you lose a game. The pad is not the problem here. Why are you blaming it for your incompetence?
Quickmemes
Niceness ≠ romantic feelings
Hopeless romantic, why are you always catching feelings off basic compliments? Slow down and stop playing yourself, chief.
Zikoko Memes
Overchasing
You should know when you’re doing too much just to be with people who don’t want you. If it’s not money, why do you want to die there?
