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There’s a way sayings from the streets hit you when you hear them. It might be because of their humour. Or maybe it’s because they’re often relatable. However you look at it, they work.
If you’re looking for Nigerian street quotes that will keep you on your grind, these are for you.
I get am before no be property
This quote speaks to living in past glory. You need to keep hustling to stay balling.
Person wey dey find money no dey off data
It’s the internet age now, baby. 9-5’er or entrepreneur, you need an internet connection to do your job or promote business.
Na determination okada dey take overtake trailer
You’ll go past your biggest obstacles if you just go for them.
School bell wey sound like noise for assembly go sound like music for closing
What’s rough now will be smooth later.
Your Indomie quick done no mean say who dey cook beans lazy
Don’t underestimate anyone who isn’t balling right now. Your journeys aren’t the same.
No be who pay school fees dey first graduate
Another reminder that it’s not about who makes it faster, it’s who makes it later in life.
Follow who know road but hold your T-fare
Walk with problem solvers, but always have your own solutions with you.
No struggle, no success
We reject a hard life. But diamonds don’t shine without pressure.
Anywhere belle face na front
For those who believe that any way is a way, this is your mantra.
Price of bread no dey fear breadwinner
If you’re rich, nothing will be too expensive for you to get.
Since I grew up to the reality of being a Nigerian living in Nigeria, I’ve observed some fine distinctions that repeat themselves during fuel scarcity or price hikes.
It’s hard to not catch a Nigerian or two doing these things when either happens.
Spike in fuel gauge anxiety
I’m talking about the people constantly checking their fuel gauge as if they can command it to read “full” just a bit longer.
Limited movement
Don’t let people “burn” fuel for an unnecessary rendezvous, I doubt their heart will say a prayer for you.
Fuel queue shuffle
The stressful attempt of finding a filling station with the shortest queue. But you end up at a spot where breakfast and dinner time pass before it reaches your turn to buy fuel.
“I heard it was cheap yesterday”
Nigerians arguing about fuel cost and the ever-changing prices like they’re at a stock exchange.
Petrol station pit stop
People’s side assignment when they’re outside is to stop at a filling station to top up their tanks or fill one or two kegs and load them in the boot.
The facepalm moments
The moment you fill your car tank at a higher rate only for you hear that a filling station at the next junction is selling for cheap.
Government shenanigans
Fuel price hike is the government’s way of testing our patience. They use this to experiment the number of walls we can break as they they push us into more hardship.
The only worthy cause to get your ride or lovely self on the road this period should be Burning Ram. How do you explain that you heard about the biggest meat and grill festival in Lagos and unlooked? Get your ticket here now. November 11th is date. See you.
When Chimodu* (28) joined a music label in the 2010s, he thought it’d help him get his big break. It didn’t. He shares his experience navigating contract issues at the label, developing a cannabis addiction and having to go to rehab, and how he’s slowly piecing his life back together.
For anonymity, names and other identifiers have been changed.
This is Chimodu’s* story, as told to Akintomide
I was trying to adjust to the reality of life after uni when my friend, Ogbe* convinced me to apply to a Nigerian music label’s academy.
I’ve been into music since I was a teenager, and he thought the academy would help me better my craft. It made sense, so I applied.
The label’s head is a well-known Nigerian artist and, up to that point, had been one of my biggest influences as a producer. It was an opportunity to learn from my idol, and I knew I had to take it. I even told some of my guys I’d get in even before the academy picked me. I wanted it that much.
Getting selected was the validation I needed at the time. Up till then, everything I knew about music was self-taught. But being something of a nerd who wanted to understand things from every possible angle, I knew I needed more technical knowledge. The academy provided that; a chance to ask questions and hone my skills — a stepping stone.
Little did I know that this “stepping stone” would turn out to be the feet-hurting pebbles that’d steer me into a path I least expected to take.
I resumed at the music academy in 2013 for the month-long training. The first day was nerve-wracking, at least for me. I met the organisers and the other students, and we started talking about ideas and techniques immediately. I noted something odd, though. Anytime I asked a question about music production or other technical stuff, the label head would say, “Just choose better sounds”.
Besides the odd attitude to questions, it was a comprehensive training. They taught us about the music business and branding. Top producers, songwriters and industry people came to talk to us. There was even an entertainment law class, where we were taught not to work with anyone without signing a split sheet that detailed how payment would work.
But a week into the programme, the organisers began to emphasise how we needed to “do anything it takes to succeed in the game”. They asked if we’d give them the intellectual property (IP) rights to the music we’d make while in the academy. The music in question was supposed to be an academy project which seemed to be a requirement for the training, so we all said yes.
I should mention that the whole training was filmed, so they had video evidence of each student agreeing to release all IP rights. It wasn’t a red flag at the time because, in my head, the academy would be my big break. Even if they owned my music, the exposure would do me a world of good.
The project never happened, by the way.
Fast forward to the end of the training. The organisers gave us all a one-year contract to become official signees of the music company. There was a clause, though: They’d also own everything we produced under the label.
I showed my dad the contract, who in turn showed it to his lawyer best friend. The lawyer asked me not to sign it. I was pained, but I had to tell the label lawyers I couldn’t sign based on those terms. They refused to negotiate and asked me to remove all brand benefits like academy logo, social media handles and hashtag in the bio from my social media accounts. I was even subtly threatened not to “misyarn about them” or I’d be sued for causing “emotional distress”. It felt like I was stripped of an honour and taken back to square one.
I couldn’t release music immediately after the academy because I thought they’d accuse me of using the social media leverage that attending the academy had given me. I didn’t want anything to tarnish my reputation or end my career before it even started, so I stayed off social media.
While this was going on, a former mate at the label started making waves. All the hit songs on the radio had his name, and I started overthinking about money and blowing up, too. I even briefly considered contacting other guys who also attended the training, but thought against it. The lawyers would probably have told them not to talk to me or each other.
So, I kept to myself. Then one day, Ogbe* told me that the lawyers from the label were trying to reach me. They’d told Ogbe* what happened and claimed I didn’t honour an agreement. One even said she was looking for me because she was worried.
I thought, “Oh, maybe things can be ironed out.” So, I called the lawyer and said I was hoping to negotiate the contract. She called me a dumb ass who had wasted an opportunity and that I needed to apologise to the lead organiser for wasting his time.
It was like a switch flipped on in my head. I knew I wouldn’t receive that treatment if I had a hit song, or if I’d “blown”. That was my “fuck it, I must make money” moment.
Yoo! Our Burning Ram Meat Festival will be live on November 11th. Come celebrate with us the Naija culture of meat and grill. See you.
The only problem was, I didn’t know how to invest in myself to make the money. It took me four years after the label to put out music again, and when I resumed, I focused all my energy on it, believing I had a talent people would pay for. I didn’t have a job, or money to get equipment like a studio monitor, better microphone, software, things that would help me level up.
I just expected at least one of my songs to blow up because I put out music with friends every three months and I produced songs regularly for others.
I was a studio rat, but I didn’t have a direction for myself. It was only fun and pleasure. I spent all my NYSC allawee on babes and weed. Same thing after my Service and during the three years that I worked as an accountant at a private firm.
It wasn’t until I lost three years in rehab (due to my cannabis addiction since my uni days), just wasting away, that I started to take my life seriously. When I came out, two of my guys had gotten married. A couple of others had changed their cars. Guys were making moves. That was when I said, “Omo, I’m done sitting on my ass.”
I saved up and bought a MIDI controller. I had a guitar I’d never played. I’m now learning how to play. Then, I went to a software engineering boot camp. I’m working towards positioning myself for a steady income stream from my various passions, from music to game software development to drawing and making short films.
Currently, I’m a games software developer, and I run music projects on the side. After the projects I’m working on come out, hopefully this year, free work stops.
Another thing driving me to hustle now is to look at luxury cars on IG. Benzos, Lexes, Bentleys.
But all in all, I need to make these things work, even for another reason, like my parents. They’ve done their best. But also, I need to get out of their faces. My dad thinks I’m wasting time with music and my mum treats me like a child. I don’t want all that for my life.
My music career hasn’t turned out the way I expected, but I’ve accepted that this is my journey. I’m glad I didn’t sign into that label. Every other person in my set signed, but most are still on the same level as me. But I’m not going to be here for long, it’s grinding season for me.
We compiled all the ways to know if there’s trouble in paradise using these firsthand accounts and what you can do about it. Know this now and save yourself.
A strange feeling
Most of the missing genital “victims” have described what they felt as “something leaving their body.”
That sounds crazy, but it’s relatable — the next time you feel like GTB or Zenith Bank are removing money from your account, check on your penis.
Genital becomes stiff
According to one of the accusers in Abuja, the first thing one notices when the penis particularly is about to go missing is that it becomes stiff.
This might be hard to notice for the apparent reasons, so let’s just move to the next point.
Private bonfire
A woman claimed she felt a fire burning in her vagina for a long while and her body started sweating.
Please, note down o. May arson not happen to our genitals.
It plays hide-and-seek
People who’ve laid complaints about their missing private organs have generally claimed their penises were “going inside,” a.k.a. reducing.
I haven’t seen an evidence video, but who am I to dismiss others’ experiences?
Go and wee-wee
The moment you start feeling or note that your genitals have disappeared — before you shout and call everybody — rush to the toilet or find a closeted place to pee. Confirm for urine. If nothing, it might be a false alarm. Or not.
Keep hands in pockets
Maybe, just maybe if one walks around with the two hands in the pockets and stylishly clutching to one’s private organ, it won’t prise away without notice.
We’ve taken the trouble of compiling a list with some of the best festivals in Nigeria guaranteed to give you an out-of-country experience.
Cultural festivals in Nigeria
Osun Osogbo festival
If you love art, spirituality, and nature, the iconic Osun-Osogbo festival in Osun state should be on your mind. It holds in August of every year and pays homage to the river goddess Osun. The festival features elaborate processions from the Ataoja’s palace (the town’s king) to the breathtaking Osun-Osogbo sacred Grove; a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Priests and priestesses don white attires while other festival attendees can dress as they please.
Calabar festival
If you’re looking for colour, pure vibes and a culturally immersive experience, this is one of the festivals in Nigeria that should be top on your radar. It was commissioned as an official festival in 2004 by former Cross River governor, Donald Duke, whose vision was to make the state a tourism hub in Nigeria and Africa. Think of the festival as Nigeria’s biggest street party for diverse ethnic groups. The music is loud, the costumes are grand and the vibes are pure flames. It goes down in December of every year.
New Yam Festival
This festival marks the beginning of the yam harvest season, and takes place at the end of the rainy season from early August to October every year. It is celebrated by individual Igbo communities and households so you can participate in more than one. The evening before the new Yam Festival, every piece of old yam must be consumed or discarded. On the day of the festival, only dishes made out of yam are served. Without performing this festival as individuals or in groups, no full-fledged or mature man eats new yam in Igbo land.
Eyo Festival
The first Eyo Festival history can be traced back to February 1854 to honour the demise of then Oba of Lagos, Oba Akitoye. Eyo performers don white robes, colourful hats, and parade the streets, creating a mesmerising spectacle. It’s a mix of dance and flamboyant display held as the last funeral rites in honour of a departed Lagos monarch, chief or prominent individual.
The last edition was held in 2017 as part of the activities of the Lagos At 50 celebration. It was dedicated to the late Oba Yekini Adeniyi Elegushi Kusenla II (1940-2009).
Argungu festival
The Argungu festival goes down in Kebbi state in north-west Nigeria. It is an annual four-day festival that starts at the beginning of March, marking the end of centuries-old hostility between the Sokoto Caliphate and the Kebbi Kingdom. Since the region is blessed with fertile rivers, fishing became an ideal way to celebrate peace. Thousands of fishermen cast their traditional handmade nets into the river hoping to catch the largest fish. The last edition was held in 2020, with President Tinubu promising to bring the festival back in his tenure.
Durbar festival
Think of the northern version of Ojude Oba with ties to culture and religion, and you have Kano’s annual Durbar festival. It’s a massive larger-than-life equestrian festival that captures the cultural heritage of the Hausa-Fulani people. The festival marks the Islamic holidays Eid-al-Fitr and Eid-al-Adha and is celebrated around these periods. Participants and festival attendees don colourful traditional attire, with some wearing matching outfits with their horses.
Olojo festival
The Olojo festival is the Yoruba people’s way of showing gratitude to God for his creations. It is also used to celebrate the remembrance of the god of iron ‘Ogun’ in Yoruba. Olojo festival goes down for three days in October, with the Ooni of Ife stepping out on the first day after seven days of exclusion. It’s believed that the time in seclusion is spent communing with ancestors and praying for his people. It’s one of the cultural festivals in Nigeria that attracts thousands of people. Olojo festival features rich sacred and cultural displays.
Contemporary Festivals In Nigeria
Film Festivals
AFRIFF
The Africa International Film Festival (AFRIFF) showcases “new creators, emerging trends in storytelling and cinematic expression from talents in Africa and the diaspora.” The annual festival runs for eight days and showcases everything from documentaries to short films and feature films. Activities include networking, panels, and collaboration opportunities for industry professionals. The next edition will hold in November 2023.
EKOIFF
The Eko International Film Festival (EKOIFF) “promotes the appreciation of Arts and Culture through the motion picture arts and sciences and increases tourism in Nigeria.” The inaugural edition of the festival took place in Lagos in July 2010. Subsequent editions have been held in the city at Silverbird Cinemas on Victoria Island. The festival features a showcase of documentaries, short films, feature films, short documentaries and indigenous films. The next edition takes place from March 3-8, 2024.
Music Festivals
Felabration
Felabration is one of the biggest music festivals in Nigeria and it goes down annually in Lagos. The festival commemorates the life and music of the late music legend Fela Anikulakpo Kuti. Felabration features a week-long slate of activities, including debates, charity events, and a grand closing event at the Afrika Shrine in Ikeja. The 2023 edition ran from October 9-15.
Rhythm Unplugged
Rhythm Unplugged is an annual five-day music concert in Lagos. Music executive and CEO of Flytime Group, Cecil Hammond, organised the first concert in 2004. It usually features performances from local and international artists, among other interesting activities. The next edition is set to take place from December 21-25 at the EKO Convention centre.
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HomeComing Festival
This is one of the festivals in Nigeria known to bring the diaspora brothers and sisters back home. Founded by British Nigerian music executive, Grace Ladoja, in 2017, the maiden edition was headlined by Wizkid and Skepta. Homecoming celebrates everything from music to fashion and sports.
The Experience
The Experience is the biggest gospel concert in the country and is known for bringing gospel artists and worshippers together to celebrate God. Head pastor of the House on The Rocks, Paul Adefarasin, is the chief convener. The Experience is held every December at the Tafawa Balewa Square in Lagos and is free to attend for all.
Book Festivals
Ake Arts and Book Festival (AkeFest)
Source: Littafi
The Ake Arts and Book Festival is an annual event organised by Book Buzz Foundation, a non-governmental organisation The festival brings together authors, poets, filmmakers, and other creative minds to promote literacy and features book readings, panel discussions, art exhibitions, and more. The next edition will be held from November 23 -25 in Lagos State.
Kaduna Book and Arts Festival (KabaFest)
Source: The Guardian
KabaFest is an annual four-day festival that brings together writers, artists, and intellectuals to discuss and celebrate arts and literature. It is organised by the Kaduna State government in collaboration with the Book Buzz Foundation. KabaFest features booklogues, panel discussions, art exhibitions, and film screenings with poets, authors, artists, musicians, filmmakers and thinkers. The 2022 edition took place from September 14-17 in Kaduna state.
LIPFest (Lagos International Poetry Festival)
This is the go-to festival for lovers of poetry. LIPFest has been held annually since its inaugural edition in 2015. It features poetry readings, performances, workshops, and panel discussions around curated themes. The 2023 edition was held from October 26-29.
Art festivals in Nigeria
Art X
It’s among the best festivals in Nigeria to attend if you’re an art lover or enthusiast. Art X is a paid art fair in Lagos that’s big on traditional and contemporary arts. The annual three-day event features curated works from different countries. Some of the activities include panel discussions, live painting, interactive pro art projects and more. The next edition will be held from November 2-5.
LTF
Founded by the British Council in 2013 as part of its efforts to strengthen relationships between Nigerian and British artists, the Lagos Theatre Festival (LTF) is the largest performing arts festival in Nigeria. It seeks to present and celebrate the high quality of Nigerian and British theatre. Since its inception, LTF has hosted 6 festivals. The 2023 edition was billed to take place in February but was postponed due to the general elections.
Lagos Fringe Festival
It’s an open-access multidisciplinary arts festival that welcomes all from the creative industry and provides a platform for new voices. LFF supports artistes to present a creative mix of theatre, poetry, film, spoken word, magic, cabaret shows, exhibitions, literature, dance and music etc. The next edition will be held from November 21-26, 2023.
Food festivals
Lagos Seafood Festival
The annual festival was rebranded to “Lagos Food Festival” in 2022, but you’re still sure to find interesting sea food when you attend.
Jos Food Festival
Source: Sunday Alaba
If you’ve ever been curious about what food on the Plateau tastes like, you might want to add the Jos Food Festival to your itinerary. It features indigenous food displays and local musical performances.
Burning Ram
If you think about it, meat may be every food lover’s origin story. Almost all of us passed through a stealing-meat-from-the-pot phase — don’t even deny it. Burning Ram celebrates the Nigerian culture of meat and grill, and the best part? The inaugural edition will hold on November 11, 2023. Tickets are available here.
Ofada Rice Festival
It’s a one-day event held annually at the popular Muri Okunola Park in Lagos. Just as the name suggests, it’s a celebration of the locally grown rice in Nigeria. The next edition will be held in December 2023.
Secondary school was a battle of the fittest. Seven hours a day, 13 subjects per term, and only the strongest students geniuses made it to the top three positions in class. Do you remember these types of geniuses who always made the list.
The ones who don’t need to read
You can never stand a chance with these ones. All they had to do was sit in the class or watch educational shows like Cowbellpedia, and it was sorry to you and your four hours of reading time per day.
The ones who can solve the problems in their head
These ones excel at STEM subjects all on their own. While everyone is struggling to solve equations with their pen, paper and calculators, all they need is two minutes to provide answers from their head.
The miracle workers
They spend half the term away from school for some reason, but show up on exam days and still pass with flying colours.
The ones who’ll play with you and still pass
Sorry to you if you had them as your friends. They’ll spend the entire day before an exam, playing and shining teeth with you. When the results come in, you’ll find out nothing was ever really funny.
The candle burners
They might sleep through the day and act like that test everyone is preparing for means nothing, but best believe once everyone goes to bed, their eyes become shining torchlights, and sleep becomes non-existent.
The crammers
For these ones, the end justifies the means. As long as they retain the knowledge and use it when needed, they’re fine.
The jack of all trades
These ones don’t have a favourite subject. They excel at every and anything, including the STEM (S subjects people run away from.
Cowbellpedia is back on our screens bigger and better. Catch the next set of Cowbellpedia geniuses in their element every Saturday on Africa Magic Family at 4:30 p.m., NTA at 6:00 p.m. and TVC at 7:00 p.m.
The Nigerian side of the X (FKA, Twitter) app has been hot since the news of an alleged romance scammer named Iriodalo Emmanuel Obhafuoso broke out yesterday. He allegedly goes from babe to babe and scams them of their money.
This is Iriodalo Emmanuel Obhafuoso. He is a scammer. He enters girl's dms, makes them comfortable talking to him and then proceeds to fall deathly ill. For me, he had a heart surgery. For Bolu, he had a spinal surgery. pic.twitter.com/gRLdHQoEMP
— Elsavanilla is highly favoured (@elsavanilla) October 11, 2023
Other victims have come to the open to share a similar story about their encounters with Obhafuoso, who also goes by OD. But this is Nigeria, the possibility of his getting apprehended or investigated is almost non-existent.
While the jury is still out on OD, one can assume there are others like him. And they tend to follow these steps.
Target and pattern
Scammers will likely target accounts with not so many followers. The targets are usually single too. The reason is apparent: scammers don’t want popular victims who will make noise if their schemes fail and they get exposed. Single targets also make it easy to play on emotional vulnerability, too. They want you to be as unpopular and unsuspecting as possible.
DMs
Once they spot a potential victim, social interaction launches on the timeline. Gradually, they take it to the DM to spark up conversation.
All DMs can’t be ignored or assumed to be scam, but scammers will somehow leave signs that eventually unravel their intentions. Keep reading anyway.
Build closer relationships
By this time, you’re comfortable with each other.You might have even shared personal information from a place of trust —Someone has dropped “lamba”, and it’s not you.
Depending on the dynamics (friendship or romance level), the scammer capitalises on the relationship and begins soft-launching the scam.
You’ll hear lies like they are based in the U.S., they work with Mastercard, or they’re globetrotters. They’ll even go as far as trying to impress you with expensive gifts.
Told me he had been to 12 countries just for him to send his pictures and i was like “????” i said “don’t judge a book by its cover. He’s so smart, he’s really really smart. Sent links to me and told me to pick diamonds and pearls o, i finished choosing, he said he was going to… https://t.co/qoD3Ae6niB
When they’ve properly gotten your attention , they begin to share their burdens with you. It may be a parent’s demise, an accident, health crises, or a donation to some orphanage in Agege or North Carolina.
You’ll start feeling bad and wondering why they’ve been unfortunate since you met them. The moment you become concerned or touched by these stories, you’ve unlocked a a higher level of access to steal from you.
Money and donation
Out of your kind heart, you might think, “Why not help?” TBH, nothing should stop you from being good, but you must draw firm boundaries to protect yourself too.
So what to do? Share with friends or ask if the cause looks legit. Chances are someone might recognise the scammer.
Counterattack
Or just responding to their request with your own problems. If they stop texting you because the whole thing has turned into a suffering Olympics, then you have your answer — You’re not giving what they want, or you don’t have what they’re looking for.
Oya, praise Master Jesus and pay me for giving you OT Scam 101.
There’s this general assumption in work culture that you need to be extroverted if you want job success or recognition. Every time, “Put yourself in people’s faces” or “Use office politics to your advantage.”
What happens to introverts who just want to do their work and go? We shouldn’t feel forced to have to change for capitalism’s sake, and that’s why we’re making a case for introversion at work today.
Work would be done much faster
When you aren’t thinking about eye service or how to create unnecessary email threads as evidence of your productivity, or announcing to the rest of the team on Slack that you successfully finished a task (that you’re even getting paid to do in the first place), you know what would happen? You’d actually be productive for real.
We’d hack work-life balance
If companies really want us to have a work-life balance, they wouldn’t do it by organising mental health seminars, team hangs or retreats. How’s hanging out with the same people I talk to five times weekly meant to ensure I have a life outside of work? Just give us money and call it a day, please.
No fake smiles anywhere
Because no one would feel forced to ask coworkers, “How was your weekend?” when we all know it was spent dreading the coming week.
No need for oversabi too
Since you don’t have to prove you’re actually doing the work, there’s no need to overly act like you want to spend all your waking hours at the feet of capitalism.
No one would need to pretend to have a “passion for work”
We all know we’re working because adulting doesn’t want to leave our necks. Let’s just focus on doing the work because we have to, rather than blaming it on “passion” for the points. BFR.
Or pretend like they care about their coworkers
Yes, introverts like listening. But have you ever thought it might be because other people talk too much? Why do you think we care that a cat appeared by your window at night? If everyone becomes introverted, we wouldn’t have to pretend to care anymore, plus there’ll be more peace and quiet. Win-win.
No unnecessary meetings
Because if there’s one thing introverts generally agree on, it’s that most meetings could very well just be emails. MFJPM.
Come November 11th 2023, we’ll be treating you to the biggest meat and food festival in Nigeria. Get a ticket to Burning Ram today.
A young Nigerian man, Iriodalo (Odalo) Emmanuel Obhafuoso (AKA, OD), is trending on X after a lady accused him of fraudulently obtaining cash — purportedly for medical aid — from unsuspecting lovers and friends. The call-out has seen more people coming forward with their alleged encounters with Obhafuoso.
Here’s all we know about the matter so far.
Who is Iriodalo Emmanuel Obhafuoso?
A Google search for his name returns with a string of reports highlighting the recent allegations against him.
According to information gleaned from a yearbook page, he completed his senior secondary school education in 2014. Odalo highlighted meeting people, daydreaming and taking risks as his hobbies. He also mentioned making the Forbes list in the next 10 years.
One X account allegedly linked to him, @metaphourr, has been deactivated.
Why is he trending?
On October 11, 2023, a lady identified as Elsavanilla (@elsavanilla) shared pictures of Obhafuoso and accused him of fraudulently obtaining cash from unsuspecting friends and romantic interests.
Elsavanilla claimed he’d befriend his victims, “fall deathly ill”, and proceed to seek medical financial aid.
“This is Iriodalo Emmanuel Obhafuoso. He is a scammer. He enters girls dms, makes them comfortable talking to him and then proceeds to fall deathly ill. For me, he had heart surgery. For Bolu, he had spinal surgery.”
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According to her, Obhafuoso deactivated his X account (@metaphourr), which he used to communicate with her. Elsavanilla claimed she reached out to his friends to share her plight, but “none of them wanted anything to do with the situation at hand.”
— Elsavanilla is highly favoured (@elsavanilla) October 11, 2023
A trail of a fraudulent past
Elsavanilla’s call-out thread garnered over 2000 quote tweets. Some users on the platform came forward with their alleged encounters with Obhafuoso and how he tried to dupe them.
Bolu (@adefunkebola), the lady mentioned in Elsavanilla’s tweet, shared how he’d love-bombed her and began to have a “series of calamitous issues” that almost led her to give him money.
She, however, found out that he’d allegedly scammed one of her friends.
And voila, I found out that he had scammed one of my friends. I'm ready to provide receipts if that'll help bring him to book. A scammer.
In screenshots shared by another lady, @youloveesther, Obhafuoso complained about his health with a sense of urgency. He said he’d been diagnosed with a heart problem and needed to undergo a thrombectomy surgery.
At the moment, the only X account linked to him has been deactivated.
He seems to have vanished from the internet, as there’s been no word from him.
This is a developing story.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
This week, a young girl shared a TikTok video of her parents’ reaction to her request for an iPhone 8, striking up a conversation about Nigerian parents and their preferred parenting styles that tend to border on abuse.
Angel (22) had a different Nigerian upbringing. She talks about experiencing gentle parenting with her mother and grandma, and how it’s made her a self-assured adult.
Corporal punishment is the average Nigerian parent’s default when a child misbehaves. That wasn’t the case for me. And I did misbehave— a lot.
My mother had me very young, while still schooling in the university. So, I spent most of my formative years living with my grandmother in Abuja.
I was a troublesome, extroverted child. So much so that I was already sneaking out to go play by six years old. We had only recently moved to Maraba then. My grandma thought the new environment was unsafe, so she thought it best to keep me at home with my nine-year-old uncle (whom I called “brother”) when she was away. An older uncle was supposed to watch us, but my brother and I would time him. Immediately he started washing plates, we’d run to a fence close to my house and jump over it.
One day, during our usual running escapade, I suddenly developed cold feet when I climbed the fence. I became scared of jumping down, and when my brother got tired of talking me into jumping, he left. I later jumped after a while, but instead of going to look for him, I decided to play with a neighbour’s son on a nearby farm instead.
Only, we were playing with lighters, and before you could say jack, I’d burned down the entire corn farm to ashes. Luckily, the mother of the boy I was playing with pleaded with the farm’s owner on our behalf and my grandma never knew. Even if she did, she didn’t believe in spanking.
I remember when, still at six years old, I created a dance group with about six other girls, and we were practising to show off our moves at a neighbour’s birthday party. We called our dance group “Hottie Pop Girls” and really thought we’d get to Maltina’s dance all competition.
On the day of the party, I was excited to get to the venue as soon as possible, but my grandma asked us to wait a while. That didn’t sit right with me, and I angrily threw a stone at our window louvres and broke a couple of them. She didn’t beat or shout at me. Instead, she said, “Well, now you aren’t going to the party.” I had to sit and hear all the festivities. It was painful, but as usual, she explained how actions have consequences, and how my impatience had cost me something I wanted. At that moment, I wished she’d just punish me and let me go to the party, but that wasn’t her way.
I was nine years old when I got into boarding secondary school, and that’s when I started living with my mum in Kaduna. She was pretty much on the same wavelength as my grandma when it came to discipline: calm, rational and believed in conversation.
In JSS 2, I got into a fight with a classmate who’d taken a letter from my bag to read without my permission. The fight led to me getting suspended from the hostel for two weeks because even though the other person had started it, she falsely accused me of ripping out her hair. When school authorities called my mum to inform her, she immediately defended me. She asked if a proper investigation had been carried out, knowing I wouldn’t just pick a fight for the sake of it. The school insisted, so she came to pick me up.
That day was our inter-house sports day, so she took me to the stadium and bought me snacks and a yoghurt. She allowed me to explain what happened and never once questioned me. She even bought food for my classmates at the stadium too, including the girl who’d falsely accused me. The school later did an investigation and apologised to me, but my mum never doubted me for a second. She taught me always to speak my truth, regardless of who believed me or not.
It’s not like I was a saint. I got into trouble with neighbours too, but when they came to report me, she’d defend me in their presence but then show me the error of my ways when we were alone. With her, I never had to hide anything. She made sure I could tell her even the most uncomfortable things, like when I started getting attention from boys. She never used whatever I said or did against me, and we’d always just talk and talk.
There was a time I almost burned the house down. I returned from school extremely tired and hungry, so I started cooking. I was watching TV at the same time and somehow fell asleep. By the time my mum returned home, I was still sleeping, but the kitchen was on fire, and smoke was seeping into the sitting room. She put off the fire, woke me up and took me outside. I was expecting her to shout or ask why I was so careless, but she hugged me and told me not to try to cook when I was tired. It was like, “Don’t put yourself in this kind of danger. Just buy bread when you’re tired instead. Collect it on credit if you don’t have money, and I’ll pay.” That was the kind of relationship we had.
I sat for WAEC in 2015 and passed all my subjects except Maths. Even on the exam day, I knew I’d done rubbish. So, when I came out of the hall, I put a call through to her and said I’d messed up. She encouraged me to think positively and wait for the results.
I was on holiday with my grandma when the results came out. As expected, I failed, and I was devastated. My grandma had the funniest reaction. She was like, “Why are you crying because of only one fail? Come and eat.”
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My mum saw how bad I felt and just encouraged me to focus on the GCE alternative. She got me a math tutor, and I passed— end of story.
I had a “spoilt” upbringing by Nigerian standards, seeing as I was never spoken to harshly or punished unnecessarily, but it’s made me a very self-assured adult. Even when I got into uni and would get mocked for being so skinny, I’d remember how loved I was at home, and soon the comments stopped getting to me. It was also when I got older that I realised not everyone had the privilege of growing up in a place where they were actually talked and listened to.
I had this roommate in my first year in uni who came from an extremely strict background. It was basically taboo for her to talk to boys. When she experienced freedom in school, she started running after every Tom, Dick and Harry. It was like she was set free and didn’t know how to handle herself. It was strange to me because I was trusted with freedom from a young age and didn’t think it was anything special. It made me grateful for my background.
I grew up with so much assurance, and it’s such that even the people I call friends now show me the same type of assurance. It’s a continuous cycle. That’s definitely what I want to pass across to my children, regardless of the Nigerian status quo.
Some Instagram girlies recently cosplayed as African mums, and people aren’t having it. They might draw unwanted attention to you or keep you waiting longer than necessary, but African mums keep their dignity intact when they are outside.
If like me, you’ve taken the time to observe your African mum, then you might relate with these points.
They serve fire looks
One thing African mums will do is make heads turn, so no mismatched colours or scruffy outfits. Makeup is always on fleek, and their burglary-style shades will rival Tems’.
Bombastic side-eye does the talking
I’ve always argued that the safest place to try your African mum is when you’re out of the house. They hardly lose their composure. Instead, the bombastic side-eye does all the talking. One look from her will stop you from opening that bottle of alcoholic wine on the table.
They get 100% in table manners
I can’t remember the number of times I’ve passed my big, tough meat to my mum at parties, because I’m too embarrassed to dig into it properly. The meat always returns in finely chopped bits, and she does it so effortlessly. This is to tell you how proper African mums can get when it comes to handling food in public.
Show up with their “twin”
The twin is either their best friend, favourite daughter or younger sibling. And God save you if you don’t extend the same bit of courtesy and warmness to this plus-one.
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Smooth operators with the food
They might feel the need to return home with jollof or Chivita packs, but they do it with class. An African mum either liaises with the organiser or waiters. If this fails, you’d hardly notice that plate-to-purse or table-to-bag transition because they’re smooth with it.
They don’t greet everybody
African mums might greet and stop to chat with everyone on their street, but surely, not at parties. Once in, they head straight to their allocated spot and wait for the celebrant to locate them. If they go looking for the celebrant, it’s to hand over an enveloped cash gift or announce their exit.
Dance with panache
They must hit the dance floor because how else will they put their mint ₦100 notes to good use? But one thing they’ll do on that dance floor is maintain class even while hitting the lowest of lows with their towering headgear.
They’re after fire photos
They might want the picture emboldened or capturing odd details, but no African mum is searching for the mango tree and yellow marigold plants to strike a pose. BFR.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
I had a good laugh over the bedbug infestation in Paris and how Nigerians battle cockroaches, on X some days ago, before I came across this tweet bemoaning a home infestation that’s lasted all too long.
Source: Getty
The post would lead me on a quest to find individuals with similar experiences. I got real-life stories punctuated by heartbreak and spiritual warfare, all engineered by bedbug infestations.
Bolanle*
Bedbugs showed me pepper.
I suddenly started seeing them in my house two years ago, and I suspect that a friend brought them. I started itching all over, leaving tiny bumps on my skin. Initially, I thought it was mosquitoes. So I used regular insecticide. But every morning, I woke up itchy, so I got really worried. I decided to search on the internet and found out about bedbugs.
What did I not use? I even called a fumigation company one midnight when I couldn’t sleep. By that time, I was already sharing my apartment with the bugs. They were crawling freely everywhere. Fumigation didn’t work, so I resorted to spreading my clothes under the sun.
I got spiritual and started praying seriously about it because I’d be walking outside and just see bedbugs crawling out of my clothes. It was one of my prayer points on the Next Level Prayer (NLP) platform. Then one day, I noticed I hadn’t felt itchy in days, and I hadn’t seen the bedbugs in a while. That was how I won the battle against them.
Anthony*
It all started when I got a bed frame as a gift. I started seeing blood spots on the bed and thought it was mosquitoes until I saw a bedbug and used Google Images to search what it was. That was how I knew I had entered wahala.
I bought different things to use. None worked. Eventually, I moved to a new place, but the bugs moved with me. I’m now trying to gather money to change my mattress, bed frame and chairs. I hardly entertain visitors, and if someone informs me they’re coming, I use one of the bug sprays on my chairs to temporarily keep them away. Imagine a babe coming to spend the night, and she sees bedbug on your bed. Mess up!
It has also really affected my sleep. I’m mostly up in the middle of the night looking to find bedbugs on the bed. It’s gotten so bad that I can identify them by smell.
Derrick*
When I was staying with my aunt, her friend’s house got flooded, so they decided to move their living room furniture to an extra room at my aunt’s place for some time. The room had good ventilation, and anytime the house was hot, I’d go there to chill.
Two weeks after the furniture was moved there, I noticed whenever I slept in that room, some things were biting me. I initially thought it was a skin reaction, but we soon found out it was bedbugs. We decided to move the furniture out, but by then, the bugs had already spread. We tried various things to get rid of them that didn’t work. Pineapple peels, sniper, kerosene, roadside pesticides… none worked. We eventually fumigated the house, but even that didn’t take care of them. At one point, we’d always leave the house because of the constant fumigation.
When I moved back home, my mum didn’t allow my belongings into our house until I’d sun dried them for hours and disinfected them.
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Ada*
My junior sister came back home from Nigerian Navy Secondary School, Ojo, during one of her holidays, and we took her box to one of the rooms in the house. For whatever reason, we didn’t open the box until a few months later, when my brother found bedbugs breeding at the bottom. At the time, he didn’t know what they were, so he didn’t tell anyone. We’d come to realise later that he saw them and “took care of them”.
A few days after he opened the box, we noticed these random insects in the house. We assumed they were cockroaches or something, so we used insecticide on them. But our problems were only beginning. They became so much and came with a distinct smell that’s worse than a dead rat. This went on for about five months until my dad’s friend heard about it and explained that they were absolutely horrible. He advised we sun dry our mattresses. Luckily, it wasn’t the rainy season, so every afternoon, we’d take the foams out of the house and bring them in later in the evening. It didn’t work, so we resorted to asking everybody we could for help.
They told us to iron everything we could, and we started doing that. Once there was light, instead of struggling to iron our clothes, we were ironing the rug or foams. Again, this solution didn’t work.
Finally, someone said the bedbugs were not in the foam but in the wood, and the only solution was to take it out and fumigate the entire house. We all went out one Sunday, and when we came back, our house was void of wooden items. My parents brought in plastic chairs, and our beds were placed on the bare floor. We got round to fumigating and repainting because the walls were filled with bedbug stains.
This worked for a while. But then, sometimes, we’d go out and see the bugs on our clothes or somewhere else. They followed us everywhere for another three years.
I remember inviting my crush to my hostel, back when I was in 200 level. I’d just gotten my off-campus apartment and was happy to finally have my privacy, without worrying about prying roommates. At the time, I couldn’t afford the mattress I wanted, so I got this 20-inch mattress from a friend who had just graduated.
About two days after I set up my room, my crush visited, and we were both on the bed catching up. I noticed a dark spot on my white bedspread and just as I tried it get it off, I felt a warm burst of liquid on my finger. I looked and saw that it was a bedbug. It threw me off, but I didn’t want my crush to notice, so I threw a pillow on the spot. Unfortunately, another had crawled up her thigh, but she was quick enough to kill it. The smell was nauseating.
Luckily, they stayed at bay for the rest of her visit, but that was the last time she visited me. I didn’t entertain any other female guests until I saved enough to buy a new mattress.
Gbemi*
I stay with my granny, and we’ve dealt with bedbugs for as long as I can remember. My granny is convinced they’re spiritual, and it’s why she has resorted to prayers. According to her, the first time she noticed them was about six years ago when she returned from Abeokuta with the kids of some distant relatives. She said she suspected their untidy Ghana-must-go bags but didn’t think much of it at the time. Weeks after the kids arrived in the house, she started noticing a foul stench from the room they slept and complained about how untidy they were. When she saw the bags with their clothes again, she got upset and gave them money to buy new travelling bags. But the deed was already done as the bugs had found a way to infiltrate the house. She sent them packing after a few months.
Since I’ve been staying with her, we’ve tried so many pesticides and insecticides, but the bugs are terribly stubborn and have just refused to go. They’re everywhere. The chairs in the living room, all the mattresses in the house and even in the wardrobes. We’ve fumigated the house at least four times in the last two years, but they keep coming back. We’ve changed mattresses and furniture, but sometimes, we also find them in holes inside our walls.
I doubted my granny at first, but I’m beginning to think the infestation is spiritual. After all, the bugs are blood.
John*
I’ve not dealt with bedbug infestation, but I once had an embarrassing encounter with a bedbug. I boarded a public bus on my way to work that morning. It was a rickety danfo that should’ve been out of service. The seats were tattered, and this annoying smell enveloped the bus.
Anyway, I got to the office safely, and out of the blue, this female colleague screamed after seeing an insect on my shirt. One of my guys reached for it and found out it was a bedbug. He made a funny comment about the state of my house if bugs are following me to the office, and the joke didn’t sit well with me. Everyone laughed it off, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that they shared similar thoughts.
Burning Ram tickets are now available. Get your personal meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival coming up on November 11th. Tickets are available here.
To be honest, the 30+ jokes write themselves. You don’t have to try too hard to find something joke-worthy about 30+ people. I mean, they sleep at 8 p.m. and think the abbreviation “IMO” means “Imo State”.
Tempting as it is to constantly make 30+ jokes, I think it’s enough. And you might agree with my reasons too.
We’ll soon be 30+ too
By we, I mean the Gen Z. We can’t even claim to be young anymore. Think about it, we’ll be inductees into the 30+ group in four or so years. It hurts just to think about it.
The jokes are starting to give reality
We laugh about 30+ folks and their back pains all the time, but guess who has started feeling pains in their backs, too? You and I.
We don’t have money
We always complain about how going “outside” leads to the dreaded “savings or current?” question. But we’re bantering people who’ve hacked sleeping at home until it’s absolutely necessary — and saving money while at it. Make it make sense, please.
They seem to have their shit together
If anything, we should be begging them to give us tips to navigate this adulting thing. It’s tough out here.
It’s time to move to 40+ jokes
Gen Zs aren’t the only ones getting older. Today’s 30+ will be tomorrow’s 40+. Don’t let them think they’re off the hook.
Or even 60+
If you think about it, it’s their agemates in power that are making this country difficult for us.
We’re all tired
We say 30+ people are always tired, but that’s swiftly catching up with my Gen Z babes. We’re tired of everything: Nigeria, capitalism, paying bills and carrying the whole social media. At this point, throw everything away.
We’re celebrating the Nigerian culture of meat and grill with Burning Ram. Have you gotten a ticket yet?
Conversations about money are typically difficult, but we must have them. The country’s current economic situation and our natural love for cash and credit alerts make them necessary.
So when @nihiinn, a user on X, asked the TL what money opinion is liable to get people in trouble, we scoured the app to find some of the weirdest entries.
Money is not Emotional, That's why most drug dealers have it. Money will not come to you because you CRY. The more nicer you become, the more money runs away from you. It goes to people with BRUTAL tenacity who grab the principle ,go for it and follow through with it. https://t.co/nye1v3YYKO
Your not obligated to give your family a dime of what you work for if you don’t want too and you shouldn’t have to justify or feel bad about it https://t.co/G0iGhLcZmw
There are people who are destined/fated never to have money— if you include or plan to include them in a deal, it will tank. If you plan to give them money from a project or give them work from a contract, you’ll never land it. https://t.co/9roOGjgae5
Femi Dapson recently went viral on X for this post.
He shared a throwback video from when he was a cleaner in 2017, which he’d made as evidence of his strong belief that he’d make it one day. It has since amassed over two million views.
It’s 2023, and he did make it. He shares his inspiring journey with Zikoko.
As told to Boluwatife
Credit: Nouvelle Films
I grew up poor.
We were so poor my family rented uncompleted buildings because we couldn’t afford anything else. It was that bad.
I was born in Agege, but we moved to Idowu Egba, a neighbourhood in Igando, when I was about four years old. The uncompleted building we lived in had no windows or roof, so we used empty rice sacks to cover the ceiling and window openings. The floor was uncemented, so we put mats over the red sand.
Despite the sorry situation we were in, I always knew it wasn’t the life I was made for. My dad was a driver, and my mum sold food. I saw them constantly struggling and would always tell myself that I’d never end up like them.
And I backed this mindset with actions.
I made a deliberate effort not to make friends on my street. We were all poor there, so what was I supposed to gain from an equally poor person?
I have a way with people, and I’d always target rich kids. I wanted to be like them. So, I’d wake up every morning, iron and wear the only shirt I had, and walk the 15-minute distance to Diamond Estate to meet with the friends I’d made from church or while helping my mum sell food in schools.
My rich friends liked my vibes. I showed and told them things and slang they’d never heard before. In return, I learned how they lived, ate their food and always stood out when I returned home. The only person I got close to in my neighbourhood was the son of a prominent general, and it was because I did everything in my power to make sure we became friends.
Growing up poor meant I also had to start hustling early. I did many menial jobs while moving from one secondary school to the other due to challenges with paying the fees. You want to clear the grass in your compound? I’m there. You need someone to paint your house? I’ll most likely do rubbish, but just pay me ₦2k.
I started my hustle proper after I dropped out of school in SS one when my parents could no longer pay my fees. There’s almost nothing I didn’t do to survive —from barman, to primary school teacher, to factory worker. One thing I made sure to do each time was to put in 110% in every job.
In 2014, we moved to yet another uncompleted building in Sango, and I got a job cleaning at a popular church’s headquarters in Ota. I got paid between ₦11k – 15k monthly to sweep portions of the church premises, chapels, and sometimes, wash cars. I did that for about two years.
One principle guides my life: “If you can read and write, you can teach yourself anything.” In 2016, while still cleaning, I started volunteering to help input evangelism converts’ data into a computer. I’d taught myself computer basics with a cousin’s computer when I was in JSS one, so while other volunteers would use all day to input the data of 100 people, I’d do it in 30 minutes.
The General Overseer’s secretary noticed and took a liking to me, and I unofficially became the assistant secretary to the G.O. Because I didn’t pass through the normal employment process, I didn’t get a raise. But it didn’t stop me from putting in my all. I helped the department make financial approval processes almost paperless before I left after six months. My reason? I was scared they’d just wake up one day and tell everyone without the right qualifications to go.
In 2017, I moved in with a cousin in Ikeja and got a cleaning job at an event centre. It paid between ₦18k – ₦21k/monthly, but damn, the workload wasn’t beans. After parties ended around 10 p.m., the whole place would be a mess, and I’d clean and clean.
But I understood the power of positive confessions. I’d always tell my guys and say to myself that I’d be great; I was born to be great. I’d watch celebrities come to parties where I worked and even pour soap to wash their hands after they used the restroom so they’d give me ₦200 tips. That was the life I wanted. To spray money freely at parties and be greeted, “Good evening, sir”, when I entered toilets, too.
I made this video in 2017 at a low point. I was down with Typhoid and had been in and out of the hospital for two weeks, but I left and returned to work while still sick because I was scared I’d be sacked for staying away that long.
On that day, I was weak and frustrated. I had just finished cleaning the hall and was washing the toilets. At a point, I stopped and started self-affirming that this was just a temporary phase and I’d look back at the memory one day. I decided to document that moment, so I took my phone and recorded myself. If not for the fact that my physical look has improved since then, people would say I took the video yesterday, and I’m just lying. The confidence with which I spoke was crazy.
A large part of my confidence stemmed from the fact that I know God loves me — that’s even what my name, Oluwafemi Ifeoluwa, means. I also had a habit of sacrificially giving out the little money I had at the time — I still give a lot. I believe that the more you give, the more you receive, and I know God is too faithful to fail.
Knowing God saw my heart, I’d drop my bracelet or anything on me in faith when I didn’t have money. I even gave my toothbrush as an offering once. It wasn’t useful to anyone, but God knew that was all I had.
So, I made that video with complete confidence and kept it as evidence so that when I made my money, no one would come and say I did fraud.
And God did come through for me.
I gathered the little money I had and sat for O’Levels in 2018. Then a year later, I got an opportunity to work as a junior auditor in an auditing firm for ₦30k/month. How I got the job was even funny. When I arrived at the interview, I met guys with degrees speaking big English, but when it got to my turn and I showed the partners how I helped make that church in Ota go paperless, their minds were blown.
I had to leave the job a couple of months later because I had stayed with my cousin for too long, and it was starting to become uncomfortable for him. My next stop was Egbeda, where I moved in with a photographer friend, Perliks. We started working together, and I helped him rebrand and manage his business. He was such an amazing photographer, and I made sure he saw it, too. Many of the projects we worked on together went viral.
It wasn’t just Perliks and I in Egbeda; some other friends lived with us. One of them was an artist, and that same year, he got funding for a music video. Perliks had some directing knowledge because he had been on a similar set before, so he said he could shoot it, and I’d produce. I didn’t know anything about production, but I read up about it and said I could do it.
The first day of that production was a disaster because rain destroyed the set, but we pushed through and made the video. It cost ₦800k to shoot, and we even ran at a loss because of the rain. Another artist manager saw it, loved it, and hired us to shoot a video for one of the artists she managed. We went on to shoot three videos for three of her artists. We didn’t make any money from it — we were just trying to give our all.
Around the same time, I pitched a social media influencer and told her I’d like to manage her, and she agreed. While doing that, I met someone who organised monthly parties for a Whiskey brand. He asked me to come on as his partner to blow the brand in Lagos. We threw the littest parties, and it brought cool money. Money cool enough to buy my first car; a Toyota Avalon which cost ₦1.6m.
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In 2020, a media production company signed Perliks and me as director and producer, respectively. It’s still crazy how these professionals were absolutely loving what I did with music videos, and I was just a random boy from Egbeda.
When my contract expired the following year, I left and created my own company — Nouvelle Films — and I’ve had the privilege of working on amazing jobs. That’s what I do till date: production and the parties.
I believe everything I’ve gone through in life was specially designed to allow me to get to where I am right now. I never look down on people because someone selling Gala on the streets could be at a level you’d never imagined tomorrow.
Now, some people message me to say we grew up together; they may never have imagined I’d be where I am today. I mean, if someone had told me four years ago that I’d be driving a Mercedes Benz today, I may not have believed it.
Some advice I’d give anyone is to hold on to positive thoughts, hold God and believe in yourself. If you don’t first see IT, no one will see IT with you.
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I always leave Nigerian TikTok with a dizzying feeling. It is organised chaos from my fellow countrymen that I absolutely hate to admit I love. The haphazard transitions, ridiculous storylines, and above all, the freedom to express an unchecked level of tomfoolery — inject it, please.
I’m not the only one with this guilty pleasure, as suggested by a recent tweet on Elon Musk’s X. So I’ve taken the guilty pleasure of compiling 25 of the most ridiculous videos you’ll find on Nigerian TikTok right now.
In response to this tweet, I was on the lookout for people who actively practice non-mainstream religions when I found Chuka* (28).
He talks about growing up as a member of the Brotherhood of the Cross and Star, believing their teacher is the returned Christ and the misconceptions people have about his belief.
You know how people say they only realised they were Black when they relocated abroad? I only realised my religious beliefs were “strange” when I was seven years old.
I was returning from a Brotherhood outing with my family, when a middle-aged man sitting by the road spat in my mum’s direction and said something like, “God is patient for keeping these occult people alive.” I asked my mum the meaning of what he said when we arrived home, but she brushed it off.
It stayed with me.
I’m a member of the Brotherhood of the Cross and Star (BCS), but outsiders typically refer to us as “Olumba Olumba Obu”, which is the name of our leader. My family has been members of the Brotherhood for as long as I can remember, and we’ve faced accusations of our religion being a cover for “evil occult” practices for even longer.
Our doctrine isn’t that far off from mainstream Christianity. We teach from the Bible, emphasise practising love, eschew sin and even have well-structured “church branches” we refer to as Bethels.
We don’t view ourselves as a church, but rather as the New Kingdom of God on Earth. We also don’t believe Christ is coming back to Earth because he is already with us. Our founder and supreme father, Leader Olumba Olumba Obu, revealed his son, His Holiness Olumba Olumba Obu, to be the second coming of Christ. We call His Holiness the “King of Kings and Lord of Lords,” and we know and believe him to be the returned Christ.
This is supported by the Bible because it affirms that the second coming of Christ won’t be like the first. Plus, His Holiness wasn’t born by intimacy but by prayer.
The spitting incident isn’t the only case of intimidation I’ve experienced. In primary school, we were asked to write an essay about our holidays, and I mentioned the Brotherhood. From then till I left the school, they called me “Obu’s child”. I even had two teachers call me aside to try to “convert” me to the light, saying I’d go to hell.
By the time I was 16, my mum made us start removing our white garment immediately we left Bethel because we’d heard cases of people being stoned and drenched in water because of the regalia. We had a neighbour who always prayed loudly in the night for occultic people (AKA my family) to meet their end.
But interestingly, all that made me even prouder of my kingdom. Even the Bible says many won’t believe in the returned Christ, and people will always persecute the truth.
In uni, I stopped trying to hide and became vocal about my beliefs. Whenever people tried to argue with me, I’d tell them to visit a Bethel or listen to any of our everlasting gospels online to hear the truth. People fear what they don’t understand. We pray in Jesus’ name, sing spiritual choruses, love each other and live a peaceful life. We’re core vegetarians because we don’t believe in killing animals, and it’s even healthier.
When someone recently asked me why it’s called “Brotherhood” if it isn’t evil, I referred to our Leader’s teachings, which explain that we’re one in spirit. “Brotherhood” simply means “oneness”. It’s why we don’t kill animals; we’re all one, and love is universal.
I briefly dated someone who ended the relationship because she saw a comment I made on social media, along the lines of, “May the blessings of our father, Olumba Olumba Obu, remain with you.” It’s funny because I’d already told her that I was a member of the Brotherhood. Maybe she didn’t think I was serious. Another ex even told me to my face that “darkness has no place with light.”
Mainstream Christians are the most intolerable, and sometimes, hypocritical. In uni, one fellowship president tried to convince me that my beliefs were blasphemous and I’d be condemned if I continued. But the same person was fornicating on the low.
I still get strange stares today when people hear about my beliefs, but I largely ascribe it to the misconceptions about our Leader. I’ve heard stories about how we always use candles and other strange things to pray, but it’s not true. Some even say our Leader performed miracles by witchcraft, that he’s long dead, and his son just “took over.” If people can only look past pre-conceived notions and listen to the teachings with an open heart, they’ll come to the light of the Father.
I visited my aunt some months ago and saw my 14-year-old cousin loitering around a woodwork store a few blocks away. Naturally, I assumed he was on an errand and would join me in his house shortly.
One hour after I’d settled in, he didn’t return, and I was forced to tell my aunt I’d seen him loitering around. She laughed off my concern and told me he was at his training centre. Apparently, she’d discovered his love for woodwork from some DIY projects in school and decided to enroll him with a professional. They had an arrangement that saw him spending one to two hours at the workshop after closing from school. I was tempted to protest the idea, but I’d taken a mental note of the place earlier, and it would’ve passed for an IKEA showroom.
This reminded me of how I’d persuaded my mum to enroll me for a graphic design certification course in the second year after I’d completed secondary school without a university admission. These seven Nigerians share their own stories of how they spent life after graduating from secondary school or university.
Onyinye*, 32
I had some outstanding fees to pay after finishing 400 level, so I couldn’t graduate. Things were tough at home, so I had to take up a teaching job at a primary school to raise the remainder of my school fees. I worked for a year and about seven months. It was one of the toughest things I had to do, but no experience taught me more about patience.
Iyanu*, 33
I graduated with a third-class degree, so I wasn’t excited to be done with school. I knew my parents would want to see my results because they had friends and relatives who’d asked for my CV to be passed along once I graduated. I couldn’t let that happen, so I sought to start making money before I was posted for NYSC. That way, I’d already have something to do and they wouldn’t need to help me look for jobs when I graduated. I went to stay with a friend who promised to “Show me the way”. I’d spend most of the day watching him type letters on his system, and whenever I asked, “What’s up?” He’d tell me to observe the way he writes and responds. It didn’t take me long to figure out he was into internet fraud. I didn’t have a problem with it after watching him get paid in dollars. Twice, I tried my hands at it but failed. He was also always reading and learning how to write many different documents. And I knew I didn’t have the head for heavy reading or writing, especially when it’s to scam. So I ended up taking a factory job, and that was where I did my NYSC PPA. These days, I’m an Uber driver.
Tara* 17
I graduated from secondary school last year, and I’ve not started processing my admission because I didn’t pass all my WAEC subjects. I’m retaking the exam, but pending the time I’ll resume tutorial classes, my mum enrolled me at a makeup school. She doesn’t like the idea of leaving me at home doing nothing while everyone goes to work. I resume at 9 and close at 3 p.m. from Mondays to Fridays.
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Godfrey, 38*
I’m still mad at my parents for not making me learn something after I graduated from secondary school. I was at home for three years before I gained admission, and I spent all that time doing chores, watching movies and babysitting for aunties and uncles. If I’d learned something, I’d have been more buoyant in uni. I had coursemates who were hairdressers, barbers, electricians, shoemakers, and they were hardly ever dead broke because they had something bringing extra money. And then, there I was, relying on pocket money for the most part of my time in uni.
James 30
After graduating from uni in 2016, we had to wait for some months for clearance and NYSC. There was a lot of free time, but I didn’t want to go back home to do nothing. So this close pal, who was a first-class student, looped me in on something he was doing. I didn’t know it was a ponzi scheme at the time, I just knew it was money-doubling. Pay ₦10k, and recoup ₦20k, that sort of thing. Anyway, this friend got a lightbulb moment to run our own “honest” ponzi scheme. We formed a team of six, including a pastor who was big on “honest” ponzi. I was in charge of customer support, and we managed to build a level of trust you didn’t find with other ponzi websites at the time. We’d constantly keep people in the loop about when to expect their payment and such. But things went south when someone hacked our system and diverted the funds. We also got word from the pastor that the evil eye had been cast upon the entire project. The tipping point was when neighbours called the police on us on the hunch that we were yahoo boys. Thankfully, we’d taken an out-of-state trip at the time, and they could only get hold of my friend’s cousin. I honestly thought I was going to make my first and several millions from it. But that was the end of that episode. Months later, I went for NYSC in Lagos and resumed at a small e-commerce company as a content writer.
I studied History and couldn’t find a job after I completed NYSC. The school I served in was in the north. They offered to retain me, but I knew I didn’t want to live there, and I wasn’t really interested in teaching. It was stressful, and the salary wasn’t rewarding. After about three months of job hunting, I enrolled at a fashion design school, and that was how I became a tailor. I wonder why I went to university at all because I could’ve spent all that time at the fashion school. I’m always telling my kids to let me know if they want to learn anything. I don’t want them making the same mistakes I did.
Jumoke, 40
I baked snacks and cakes for friends during their birthdays in uni. I’d learned the basics from my mum and got better on my own. This made it easy for me to get something to do when I graduated. My parents were actually worried at some point because they thought I’d drop out or graduate with bad grades. To them, baking was a distraction. But I made 2:1, and three weeks after graduation, my parents gave me money to buy a professional mixer and industrial oven. I think they were so supportive because I took my business as seriously as my education. My kids are still young, but I know I’ll want them to have a clear path early on in life too. I’m always paying attention to their interests; my husband thinks I’m doing too much.
We’re throwing the biggest meat festival in Lagos. Grab your tickets to Burning Ram here.
The things some Nigerians did as kids have shown me that I might have let my dear mum off too easily. I was the good kid, you see, a bumbling representation of the common Nigerian sayings “He can’t eat anything harder than a banana” and “If you put water in his mouth and travel far, you’ll return to meet the water in his mouth”.
While people like me were giving our parents peace, other kids were doing the opposite. We’ve combed through X and compiled the most hilarious “dumbest thing you did as a kid” tweets.
Why are you drinking disinfectant? God, abeg
Drank disinfectant and clowned my mum hours later for panicking.
Was caught playing with a live snake.
Went to a beggar I gave money earlier to collect my money back when I did the maths and realized I was going to trek back home from school. https://t.co/6rrEjAK9lh
I stole unconsecrated communion bread from the Sacristy and it took it home. my friend told me that it’ll turn to blood and flood our home, out of fear I went to confess to my Grandfather, Sir Lawrence Alabi (Snr) who was a Eucharistic minister.
Was playing with candles in my room and fire caught the mattress, i tried to put it out but it didn’t go off. Out of fear i closed the door went to another room and slept off. The rest is history https://t.co/tReb8F56OO
It was dark,My dad asked me to bring his shaving stick from his room, i got there, and just used it to comb through the middle of my hair twice then said to myself "e no even sharp". Went outside to meet my dad, NEPA brought light my mum looked at me and shouted "ah ahn" 1/2 https://t.co/hKDsOrIclB
This thread just made me know I did nothing eventful as a child. My own was to be obedient, go to church for Bible study, Faith clinic and sing “O Sunday school on the Lord’s day”😭 https://t.co/Jy1A0ZtMDp
My mum told me that if any man touches me I will get pregnant. One guy in school kissed my hand that day. 2 days later I started vomiting. I told my friends and they told me not to worry, after school we will go to his house and make sure he takes responsibility for his baby https://t.co/G80xQhT4WZ
Mum had a miscarriage because she sat on my favorite chair to cook removed the chair when she was about to sit I can still feel the pains from my dad’s belt now https://t.co/t2kxWNcpCg
I took my dad's cheque book to school and was writing money and sharing for my classmates 🤣🤣🤣. The closer you are to me the higher your money https://t.co/99WdXIMQQG
Was jealous my sister started getting all the attention as per newborn baby, when she was sleeping I went to bite her lmfaoo Them too go finish me that day https://t.co/HHnmkCbZCc
I was 3 years old….remember in the village when i followed a herd of goat/rams stray away for almost 2hours. The whole village were looking for me. Na that Goats still later bring me come house 😂😂 https://t.co/SKM3vX2DAT
I Used to light matchstick beside the Gen house, I stopped the day my dad took me there, asked me to close my eyes, then asked what I saw, I said nothing. He said that’s how it will be when I die😭 https://t.co/ofjqqoZi8S
Soo my mom told me to prepare 3cups of rice for 4 people and it was my first time cooking rice 💀 I thought it won’t be enough, so as a supposed sharp guy I brought everybody’s plate out and put rice that’ll be enough in each plate🥺 Omo when the rice boil finish 😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/L8QNEx9zKm
Grandma had goats. One of the goats strayed and fell into a pretty deep gutter houses away. This was before Fashola started covering gutters along main roads.
I jumped into the gutter to push the goat out but failed. We were both crying until a passerby heard both of us. https://t.co/1wNPDVdd0T
After watching one naija movie where someone threatened another person with a gun saying “say your last prayer” so I went & carried a Knife & told my grandma to say her last prayers. Got the beating of my lufe that day https://t.co/UZoqtYq8f9
I chased a neighbour's chicken for hours till it got tired and passed out, I was so scared it had died. I didn't even know chickens could get tired😂 https://t.co/aKJLJyP5mt
I took money from my dad’s briefcase went out and enjoyed myself with the money, and he found out. On my way back home, I plucked a strand of hair from my eyelashes. Then I put it in the middle of my head, hoping my father would forget. I got home and saw my dad sitting down and… https://t.co/UqVbQptkYU
I had a huge crush on my elder sister’s friend “Aunty Fotress” she’s fine asf, her body tea & she could dance. Then I found out she was dating a married man in our area so I got jealous and went to tell his wife 😭😭 they beat shege Banza from my body when my sisters found out https://t.co/Cc8WJ4NEcg
i loosened my classmate’s new isi owu hair during break. told her i was an expert hairdresser. baby went home looking like a scarecrow. her mum came to shout the next day and i just stood there like😟 https://t.co/owohA3drid
I was on my balcony and saw 2 niggas run in my building, like 2 mins go by and 8 niggas walk up like aye you seen 2 niggas go by here? I’m like yeah they went in the building, found out later them 2 niggas got stabbed to death I was like damn that’s on me https://t.co/HcANmBTcUN
Traveled to the UK during Xmas as a kid. Came out of immigration and collected our boxes and all that. Once the sliding doors of the airport opened and the first wave of cold air hit me, I tugged my dad and said “dad how did the white people put AC outside”
So I liked this boy (he was my neighbor) I’d wear spaghetti top, very short skirt and timberland and I’d go and dance at his window. I was barely even 10💀💀 https://t.co/s9EJn6GJkF
One time I ate our dog food cos I wanted to know what it taste like since it smells good, my stomach started aching me after so i thought I was going to become a dog too. That's how I went to join our dog in the cage so that I won't bite my mummy after I turned 😔. https://t.co/WhJ4tGfhXK
It’s finally salary week. The odds are that you’re thinking about money this week, so we’ve decided to give you a rundown of some major money news and the Nigerian economy from this month.
Governor go, governor come
On September 15, 2023, President Tinubu sacked Godwin Emefiele and appointed Dr. Olayemi Cardoso as the new governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria. Cardoso assumed office on September 22 and will be the acting CBN governor till the Senate (which is presently on annual recess) confirms his appointment.
We pray that Nigerians enjoy their money during Cardoso’s time.
The dollar is so scarce now you might have to reach Yankee to get it.
Jumia’s math isn’t math-ing
Africa’s well-known e-commerce company is an unprofitable business. TechCabal exclusively revealed that in the first six months of 2023, Jumia made $94.8m in revenue. Now it’s $63.7m shorter. Every $100 they earn takes $167 from them.
This is a horror story, chale.
Tinubu at NASDAQ
In a bid to attract investors to Nigeria, President Tinubu went to pitch at the world’s second-largest stock exchange, the National Associations of Securities Dealers Automatic Quotation System (NASDAQ), New York, on September 20th.
The president spoke well of the country, calling it a “bubbling market” and urging investors to bring cash into our economy. BAT joins African leaders like Nigeria’s Goodluck Jonathan and Tanzania’s Kikwete, who have rang the NASDAQ closing bell.
“I count on you to invest in Nigeria”
Chief Marketer of the FRN tells investors at the NASDAQ U.S Chamber of Commerce🔥🔥#PBATInUNGA78
In an exclusive interview with ARISE NEWS, Wally Adeyemo, the United States Deputy Treasury Secretary, says the U.S. is ready to help Nigeria downsize its debt. He even said there’s so much money Nigeria will make as soon as the economic reforms President Tinubu talks about are made.
Good talk. But Wally speaking is speaking for whom’s interest: U.S. or motherland Nigeria?
Nigeria collects World Bank loan
Nigeria just borrowed a whopping loan of $700m from the World Bank. The FG said it’s to help educate young girls in the country. This is the third loan BAT’s government has collected since $750m (for our power sector) on June 9 and another $500m (for women’s empowerment) on June 22, 2023.
This debt is too huge o.
Yo. Here’s major Zikoko news about our upcoming Burning Ram Meat Festival; it’s coming soon! Be on a lookout.
It’s not a nice feeling to be caught in a web of dangerous or life-threatening situations. It’s even worse for it to happen in our dear country, Nigeria, where systems are often crippled to the point of slow response or all-out inactivity. Always self-prioritise and take the necessary safety measures in case of emergencies.
We’ve compiled some vital steps to take when it feels like you are in harm’s way.
Police is your friend
An important first step to take when involved in life-threatening situations is to visit and make an official report to the nearest police station in your neighbourhood. Never take matters into your own hands, especially if such problems escalate to involve violence.
The Nigerian Police Force (NPF) has a dedicated website with the official mobile numbers of each state’s PROs and another page with emergency numbers for every state. In cases where you’ve been a victim of cybercrime, they have an official website where you can file a complaint or report suspected individuals.
Use national and state emergency lines
Many Nigerians understandably have trust issues when it comes to the functionality and responsiveness of systems that have been put in place by the government. The emergency services are one such systems, but it’s not a good bet to rule them out completely.
Nigeria’s toll-free emergency number is 112. It’s an umbrella code that caters to all emergencies from fire outbreaks to road accidents or flood and even personal safety. It’s also important to get familiar with the emergency services in your state of residence. For instance, Lagos State has contact numbers for designated agencies.
Amplify your cry for help on social media
Source: SearchEngineJournal
Some social media platforms have proven to be effective in helping people get out of life-threatening situations or get the help they need. For instance, X (formerly Twitter) has become a go-to for people to get the public, and sometimes, local authorities’ attention.
Police officers like Benjamin Hundeyin and Olumuyiwa Adejobi have gained popularity for taking up requests or offering guidance to citizens on X. The NPF also has an official account on the platform, dedicated to receiving complaints about erring police officers.
In addition, several cases ranging from missing persons, fraud or abuse have been solved because they were shared on X. It’s important to follow relevant security-related accounts and reach out whenever you find yourself in life-threatening situations.
Inform trusted contacts
It’s important to let everyone around you know what is going on as silence will only embolden perpetrators of abuse, intimidation or harassment. Inform your family members and friends about what is going on.
In urgent situations where you can’t get to family and friends quickly, inform your neighbours.
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Use technology to your advantage
Apple recently released an iOS 17 feature called Check-In. The feature detects when you’ve arrived at your destination and automatically informs family and friends. Every 15 minutes during your trip, the feature also asks if you’ve gotten to your destination. If you don’t respond, it’d automatically share useful information with loved ones. It’s important to get familiar with security features on your mobile devices and set them up ahead of time.
Another useful hack is to take photos, audio and video recordings when you find yourself in distressing situations. The evidence gathered can help the police or other security agencies carry out a smooth investigation and absolve you in case of false accusations.
Many Nigerians land in avoidable situations because they don’t know their rights. It’s important to get familiar with your fundamental human rights as a Nigerian citizen to avoid being a pawn in the hands of corrupt police officers, landlords or people who want to ride on your ignorance.
This should always be the last resort. You might sustain serious injuries, get implicated and even land in jail while trying to defend yourself.
However, just as Yoruba people are commonly assumed to make empty threats, doing so could save you from potentially threatening situations and get you flagged as not-so-easy targets. Still, It’s important to always gauge the situation properly before taking the bet on self-defence.
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Nigerian fintech, PayDay, is trending on social media after a tech publication exclusively reported on Wednesday, September 21, that the company is looking to sell just six months after raising $3 million.
Here are seven facts we’ve gleaned from the situation which has since sparked mixed reactions in the tech ecosystem.
PayDay CEO: Favour Ori
PayDay raised $3 million in March 2023
The Rwanda-based neobank, which helps “Africans send and receive money globally” raised $3 million in a seed funding round led by Moniepoint. Three weeks before the raise, an earlier report revealed that the fintech company was looking to raise $1.5 million to “grow its product and engineering team, expand its operations and get the required licenses for those expansions”. Fortunately for the startup, the round was oversubscribed to the tune of an extra $1.5 million.
Moniepoint didn’t acquire PayDay
After leading its $3 million seed roundup in March 2023, an executive at Moniepoint was reported to have said the investment in PayDay was “a strategic investment and not an acquisition.”
According to TechCabal, however, Moniepoint issued a letter of intent to acquire Payday, but months later, the board was no longer keen on the deal.
Fresh talks of acquisition in September 2023
In March 2023, PayDay’s CEO, Favour Ori, admitted to turning down a $15 million acquisition offer by an African unicorn due to PayDay’s profitability.
Six months later, talks of an acquisition were revealed to be ongoing. “Active conversations are being had with people who reached out and expressed interest in buying.”
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Allegations against PayDay CEO
Former and current PayDay employees spoke out that their salary was reduced by 30-50% three months after the startup raised $3million.
A current employee was quoted to have said: “They told us that it was because the company wanted to be domiciled in Nigeria and was obligated to pay its resident employees in naira.”
Meanwhile, Ori maintained his monthly salary of $15,000 allegedly taking decisions out of the blue without carrying other members of the team along. A source was quoted to have said:
“There were instances when we would wake up to discover upcoming features through Twitter, and even the product team had no prior knowledge of these developments.”
Another said: “At times, he would suddenly take control of the company’s social media account to respond to customer complaints.”
The report of an acquisition barely six months after raising $3 million has stirred an onslaught of allegations against the startup’s CEO on social media.
Favour Ori is now planning to sell PayDay, 6 months after a $3M raise.
While withholding customer funds, slashing employee salaries, he was paying himself $15K in salary as Payday CEO while maintaining a FT job as a Github employee.
PayDay’s COO, other employees, exit after salary slash
According to TC’s report, the fintech’s Chief Operating Officer (COO), Ogechi Obike, and some other employees, exited the company amid the salary reduction debacle.
In her exit note, she cited “misalignment of goals” as the reason for leaving the company. However, a company insider painted a picture of meetings where Obike and Ori clashed. “During meetings, he provoked arguments, particularly when she proposed approaches different from his own.”
Favour Ori claims $15k salary lasted less than three months
In a Twitter thread written in response to TechCabal’s September 20 report, Ori admitted that the company faced challenges.
“The past few months have been challenging for us, but these moments serve as tests to demonstrate our commitment to fulfilling our promise of becoming the one-stop for Africans who want to transact globally.”
Ori claimed that adjustments have been made to the team structure, including remunerations for employees.
On the topic of his $15k monthly salary in the middle of a company-wide reduction, the CEO claimed he’d invested over $100k in the company and “gone months without taking a salary”.
According to him, the $15k salary lasted less than three months and was slashed afterwards.
While PayDay’s potential acquisition has stirred mixed reactions, this isn’t the first time the company’s CEO will be found wanting in public discourse.
Twitter users made reference to August 2020, when he stepped down as CEO of WeJapa, a job sourcing platform.
Favour Ori defrauded devs and designers on Facebook and with WeJapa, dipped and went Scot-free, came back after a year or so with PayDay and some OGs applauded/accepted him with open arms, even some slandered people that slandered him, lol…una go dey alright. 😂
At the time, Ori was accused of underpaying workers or not paying for work, berating people after disagreements and often exaggerating his achievements.
In an apology shared on social media, he apologised for his professional misconduct but maintained innocence concerning fraud allegations.
Source: Technext24
Source: Technext24
This is a developing story.
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Nigerian firstborns have a familiar love-hate relationship with black tax and the heavy weight of family expectations, but most may not relate to Daniel* (30), who cut his parents off to lessen the responsibility.
He talks about how seeing his mother struggle made him want to take care of his family, but how heavy expectations soon made him decide to focus on himself.
Growing up, eating any type of meat was a taboo in my family.
It wasn’t until I became a teenager that I realised the real “taboo” was poverty, and my mother just made it up to stop my inquisitive eight-year-old self from constantly asking her why we couldn’t have chicken for Christmas like our neighbours.
But we weren’t always poor. The three-bedroom apartment we lived in was built by my father when I was two years old. But he lost his shop to a fire almost immediately after and never really recovered. He started gambling and womanising, and essentially, left the breadwinning responsibility to my petty trader mother.
That wasn’t all he left her. There was also the headache of providing for six children. As the first child, I had a front-row view of all the stress and heartache my mother had to face to put us through school. By the time I was 11, I’d join her in the mornings to prepare the food she needed to hawk before changing into my school uniform. After selling all the food, she’d open her sweets and provision store right around the time when younger children would close from school.
One thing I still don’t understand is how much she tolerated my father. Even when he was gambling away every penny he got from her, she’d make sure he always had something to eat. Even when she knew he was cheating, she’d smile and pray for him to return to his senses, insisting he was still our father. I didn’t share those sentiments. I despised him for all he put her through.
It’s the major reason why I was determined to make money from the minute I got into uni in 2010. I initially didn’t even want to go. In my mind, I needed to hustle to help take care of my siblings and lift the load off of my mum, but she insisted school was the best way for me to help change their story.
There’s almost nothing I didn’t do for money in school. I worked at a photocopy shop, sold sneakers and polo shirts, wrote projects and even helped some lecturers with personal errands for the odd ₦2k. It’s what I used to pay myself through school and how I got introduced to tech.
One of the assistant lecturers saw how determined I was and helped me get into a coding camp in 2014. He even gave me his old HP laptop to practice. That changed my life.
I got an internship through the coding camp around when I graduated in 2015. It paid ₦70k and was the first time I made that much from one source. Of course, I sent most of it home and only kept what I needed for transport. I was squatting with a friend, so I didn’t have to worry about rent.
Around the time I got the job, my mum joyously informed me my dad had given his life to Christ and was now a better man. I didn’t care. He’d been dead to me for a long time.
But that was the beginning of my problem.
My company retained me the following year, and my salary increased to ₦140k, but black tax also increased. I was happy to send money to my mum and siblings, but my dad also began to make requests, which I attended to out of respect for my mother. He grew even bolder. Imagine this man once asked for ₦250k because he saw a land in the village he thought we should get. Anytime I complained to my mum, she’d say, “He’s still your father, and you have to honour him.”
No one told me before I learnt to ignore his calls. After that, I noticed my mum started asking for money more frequently. I didn’t think anything of it until my younger brother informed me the man was actually collecting the money from my mum. I didn’t confront her. In my mind, I was doing my duty to her, and she had the freedom to do whatever she wanted with the money.
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In 2018, I got a major job change that increased my salary to ₦500k/monthly. I informed my mum as usual, but she must’ve told my father because the requests tripled. I still followed my regular pattern of sending most of my salary home, sorting out my siblings’ fees and keeping some for transportation and other necessary expenses, so I had zero savings. The friend I was squatting with had to call me aside to speak sense to me. In his words, “How can you be earning this much and have nothing to show for it?”
It was like a lightbulb switched on in my head. I didn’t have a place of my own, no investments and was still jumping danfo. If I lost my job, I’d be completely broke in two weeks. I decided on a fixed amount and started sending ₦100k once monthly to my parents and ₦20k each to my five siblings.
My mum called halfway into the month the second time I did that, saying they had nothing again. Normally, I’d have just sent money home, but this time, I insisted on finding out exactly what they needed it for. It was then she confessed that my dad had gone back to gambling.
I was so angry. There I was, playing a good child and working my behind off to take care of them without ever questioning what they used the money for, and my mum had been using my hard-earned money to cover up for a gambler.
That’s when I decided I’d had enough. I stopped taking my mum’s call entirely or sending money to her for about four years. I didn’t abandon her completely. I sent money every two months through my younger sister who lived nearby, and she got whatever they needed in the house without giving her cash.
I still called her during festive seasons to ensure they got food from my sister, but I made her understand I was done sending them money. Of course, my dad complained and even reported me to our extended family, but I needed to do it for my sanity.
The reduced responsibility meant I could buy a car and rent my own apartment in 2021. I even bought some stocks.
My dad passed away in 2022, and my sister got married and japa early this year, so I’m back to sending my mum money directly. As far as I know, she doesn’t resent me for partially cutting her off. She’s too nice for that, and I feel she was even relieved to no longer be the go-to between me and my dad. I’m now better at balancing my desire to be there for my family and making healthy financial decisions. I can comfortably spend on myself and invest without thinking about how I need to “save” someone from poverty.
If I ever get back to a point where I’m looking out for others at a detriment to myself, I won’t hesitate to cut them off. It’s something I’ll advise every firstborn to do. Don’t be afraid to cut your family off. Sometimes, embrace selfishness.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
“Kala, Daju, Ma Rerin, Wuwa Ika” were some of the hardest words in Olamide and Portable’s 2021 street banger, Zazoo Zeh. However, thanks to the recent cult slang conversation on X, I’ve come to realise there’s more meaning to these words, which loosely translate to “Be stern, show no mercy, don’t laugh and be wicked.”
Apparently, the lines are language-altered versions of slang peculiar to some cultist groups in Nigeria. For instance, “Ma Rerin” is associated with the Buccaneers Confraternity’s “No laughing on board,” lingo. This discovery led me on a quest to find more Nigerian cult slangs and their purported meanings.
Some slangs in this list have been loosely used in afrobeats songs by Davido, Shallipopi, OdumoduBlvck, among others.
General cult slangs
Sticker: a cutlass.
Talasa: To hit a person till he/she bleeds.
Manoeuvre: Steal.
Jetesin: Let go of something or an issue.
B40: Brother.
Ancho: Means to give out something.
Belle: Often used to refer to a female member of the Vikings confraternity.
Identify yourself: Members say this to unknown people, wearing colours associated with their cult.
Sangry for Sangry: “Sangre” means “blood” in Spanish. This cult lingo means “blood for blood”.
Dey gbam: Stay calm or keep still. Usually used when they’re trying to intimidate a non-cult member into mellowing down for them.
Wida you? This is cult lingo for “Who the hell are you?” The tone is harsh on non-cultists and softer on fellow cult members.
Ruff sea: Conflict or crisis.
Obembe business: A cult gathering where they share dues and allowance.
Iceland: A place where non-cult members are forbidden to enter. If you do, you’ll either be beaten or forced to join the cult.
Omila squad: Armed robbers.
Slangs peculiar to different cult groups
According to news reports, there are several cult groups in Nigeria domiciled in different regions. Some cult groups with widespread popularity have members who go on to start small chapters and sub-divisions of the mother group. Each of these cult groups have slangs peculiar to them and used by members.
Deby na Debt
Source: Skabash
Also known as the Eternal Fraternity Order of Legion Consortium, members of this group call themselves Klansmen. It was formed in 1983 at the University of Calabar. Their official symbol is the human skull, and their colours are white and black. Some of their common lingo include:
Peaceful man in a deadly mood, disagree to agree
The affairs of a klansman before any other thing in life
What concerns a klansman concerns all klansmen
Oath of secrecy abides by all members
Black Axe Confraternity
Source: Faz
Known for their bright yellow colour, this cult group members are known as Aye, Axe-men, Seven or Amigos. It was founded in 1976 at the University of Benin. Their official symbol is a black axe, and Nigerian cult slangs peculiar to them include:
The Blackman will be freed with an axe
No fuck ups
Forgiveness is a sin
Don’t betray your brother in the hood
Obey before complaining or abeyance
He who price must pay
Buccaneers confraternity
Source: Naira Diary
The Buccaneers are known for their high intellectual standards, a major requirement if you want to join the cult group. Members of the group are known as Fine boys, Alora, Bucketmen, Lords, etc., and their colours are white, yellow and black. The group’s symbol is a human skeleton with a head wrap. It was formed in 1972 at the University of Ibadan.
No price, no pay
No brothers in the wood
No laughing on board
Blood for blood
Let the devil that leads you guide you
Supreme Vikings Confraternity
Source: Skabash
Formed in 1982 by some members of the Buccaneers, this cult group was originally called De Norsemen Club of Nigeria. Members call themselves aro-mates, adventurers or vultures. The group’s symbol is two crossed axes and a boat. Some Nigerian cult slangs peculiar to the group include:
Never hang a leg
Even in the face of death
Blood on the high sea
Songs of Hojas
Pyrate Confraternity
Source: Wikipedia
Founded in 1952 by Nobel Laureate, Wole Soyinka, and his friends at the University of Ibadan, this cult group set out to revive the age of chivalry and elitism and abolish convention. It was disbanded in the 1960s to form a new group called Secret Cults. However, in 2022, Soyinka clamped down on the group over a video of members mocking Bola Tinubu. Their colours are yellow, black and red, and their symbol comprises a skull, two cross-bones and an anchor. Their slangs include:
Sitting with crossed legs was a posture connected to wealth. My family members would often make comments like “See the way you’re sitting like a rich man who owns us all”. I’d gleaned the posture from glassy-looking models on the pages of fashion magazines, who exuded an aura of sophistication I loved.
But in senior secondary school, I’d learn — in the harshest way possible — of the connections drawn between a man’s sexuality and sitting posture. Comments like “Why is this one sitting like a girl?” from female classmates, and “Seat properly” from teachers instilling their version of Nigerian etiquette, would eventually force a consciousness on me when I was about to cross my legs in public.
A recent encounter confronted me with old, unpleasant memories and led me on a short quest to learn about the experiences of other men.
Faith*
About two weeks ago, I was at the reception area of a telco experience centre when a security lady approached me. She said something about moving to the next seat, but I also heard her make a snide remark about the way I sat. For context, I wore a pair of shorts way above knee level, and crossed my legs so that a large portion of my thighs were on display. I wasn’t going to let it go, so I responded and told her cross-legging isn’t for women only. She saw that I was visibly irritated and had a quick change of tone. According to her, she didn’t mean it that way and was only worried the content of my pockets would fall off. I let it go, but that’s one of many such experiences.
Dave*
It was during NYSC on a Thursday (CDS). Our meeting was ongoing, but there I was bored and tired, so I crossed my legs. One of my colleagues said she noticed I did that a lot. She went on to say, “It’s very womanly, and the fact that you look like a girl doesn’t help you either.” I laughed and explained to her that I have a weak left knee from an accident I sustained at 13, so I can’t sit too long without wanting to place my left leg on the right to rest a bit.
Ibrahim*
I had my university education in Osun state, and the culture shock was one for the books. Prior to school, I’d lived in Lagos my whole life, and in my house, crossing your legs was in fact a sign of affluence. I remember my mum making statements like “Wo bo se cross-leg bi olowo” (see the way you crossed your legs like a rich man), and that was all there was to it. But I was in for a rude shock when I resumed school in 100 level. These Muslim sisters in my level would make side comments and laugh whenever they saw me sit with crossed legs. I didn’t think of it until one of them approached me and asked why I crossed my legs like a woman. I wasn’t sure I heard well, so I asked what she meant. This girl took her time to explain that crossing my legs makes me look feminine, especially because I also wore skinny jeans. I laughed it off and just walked away. Now that I think of it, that experience made me more conscious of crossing my legs. Sometimes, I scan the room to see if other men are crossing their legs before I do the same. That way, I won’t be singled out.
David Nkem
I cross my legs so much that I sometimes begin to wonder if I can sit without doing so. A woman once warned me to stop crossing my legs so I wouldn’t become impotent. According to her, crossing my legs brings negative energy to my balls. To date, I don’t know what she meant. My mum also used to bother, but she doesn’t care anymore. A coworker recently reported me to “the cartel” at work. They called me for a meeting to say, “Men don’t cross their legs when they sit.” But I feel comfortable and no longer give a fuck about it to be honest.
Dave*
I’ve found that in Nigeria, your sexuality will be questioned for so many flimsy reasons. From how you talk, walk and dress to how you cross your legs. People raise their eyebrows when you look eccentric or out of place. As someone whose sexuality has been questioned, I tend to be self-conscious. So, I self-check whenever I’m out in public. I don’t cross my legs. If you’re my friend, and you love crossing your legs, I might raise my eyebrows — before the Nigerian “sexuality FBI” extends their questions to me.
Gbenro*
I’m a banker. I wear suits a lot and sitting cross-legged is the best posture if you want to appear like the classic magazine models. At conferences or business meetings, once I settle into that chair, the next line of action is to cross my legs, except there’s no room to do so. At a work conference some weeks ago, I was trying to create extra room to cross my legs, and this female colleague goes, “Na wa o. You no fit sit down normally?” I didn’t even have to respond before another colleague jumped in asking how it’s her business. I knew the lady had been pining to say something about the way I sit for so long because she always made side comments. That day, I’d planned to give her a full dressing down.
James*
Nobody don question my sexuality based on leg crossing sha. I think it’s based on people’s background or environment during their formative period. It has nothing to do with sexuality or anything. Some people are just more comfortable crossing their legs while seated, either male or female. However, I have always felt weird standing akimbo. I always feel it is feminine, and I don’t know why. That’s just me digressing.
Apple may have finally lost their unholy grip on the Nigerian audience, who have a history of doing the most to cop the company’s latest offerings. The lukewarm reception that met the iPhone 15’s release is a clear testament to this. Titanium design and type C-USB port? Tim Cook needs to be for real. While the iPhone 15 might be dead on arrival, there are some cool iOS 17 features to look out for.
What’s the gist of iOS 17?
According to Apple, the new slate of iPhones comes with the latest version of its operating system, iOS 17. However, some older models can be upgraded to accommodate the new IOS which launches officially on September 18.
With iPhone 17, you don’t have to deal with static images in your Apple Music background. Apple said: “Let’s get the party started.”
Crossfade between music
Apple ate with this feature because do you know how annoying it is to transition from Asa’s “Bibanke” to Portable’s “I’m Not a Criminal”? According to Apple, this feature allows “Each song to fade in while the previous song is fading out, creating a continuous mix of your favourite music.”
A new Journal app
Journaling is gaining momentum as the new cool, and I honestly get why. It’s much cheaper than booking a session with a therapist. iOS 17 comes with an all-new, first-of-its-kind Journal app that “lets you write about your experiences, find meaningful insights, and let journaling suggestions and writing prompts help you get started.
Check-In
This feature comes in handy to help keep track of your movement, considering the rise in kidnap cases in Nigeria. According to Apple, “Check-In can detect when you’ve arrived safely and inform your loved ones automatically”. Check-In will also ask if you’ve gotten to your destination after 15 minutes or your trip duration, and if you don’t respond, it automatically shares useful info with your loved ones.
Messaging on FaceTime
FaceTime gets a facelift on iOS 17. The latest version of the app allows you to leave video or audio messages in a voicemail when someone misses your call.
Namedrop
Why does this sound like you’re about to snitch? Anyway, the latest update to Airdrop is Namedrop, a feature that allows users to place their iPhones or Apple watches side by side to swap contact info.
Contact posters
Android people had this feature centuries ago, but this isn’t info that fazes Apple stans. With iOS 17, users can now finally include contact posters that pop up during phone calls. Be warned, this feature will let people read your face to know if it’s the LOYL calling or that annoying family member.
Offline maps
This feature is Apple’s biggest middle finger to Nigerian internet service providers on our collective behalf. With iOS 17, you can download locations to use when you don’t have access to good internet.
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The Nigerian federal government is the big boy who borrows money to keep his swag alive. But how long will this go on for?
It’s probably time to sort our debts out once and for all, and we have a few ideas on how to make this happen.
Borrow from other African countries
During times like this, it’s best to get help from those close to you. We can just get other African countries to pay our debts and sort them out later. They’re our brothers and sisters, after all.
Seize the politicians’ expensive property
The Federal Government should start from the top and cut off bonuses and unnecessary expenses like lawmakers’ newspaper and wardrobe allowances. Reduce their salaries too.
Let’s use the money to pay back some of our debt. It’s a small sacrifice to make for our beloved nation.
Or let Nigerians contribute
Trust Nigerians in the goodness of their hearts to come through for the country. So seek their faces for assistance, FG. Small contributions here and there and money will complete before you know it.
Try GoFundMe
Maybe if Nigeria shouts that we’re broke and cries out to the world for help, people will come to our aid and we may sort out our debt and possibly cashout, too. It may look like a skit, but who knows where our helpers will come from?
Cry to God
For a country that’s super religious, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t let God be in charge of Naija’s finances. There’s nothing He can’t do.
Deny the debts
If all options to pay back fail, maybe all Nigeria needs to do is deny that it owes anyone money. After all, when it comes to unlooking, Nigeria is the father of invention.
Close the country and run away
If denying the debts doesn’t work, Nigeria might as well close shop and run away for a bit. When the collectors come for their money, we’ll tell them our president and the powers that be aren’t around. The citizens didn’t take out the loans, right?
If, despite your best efforts, you can’t snag someone from an old-money family, you still have a chance with new-money folks. Is it not someone to spend money on you you’re looking for?
You might need to know a few pros and cons before getting with one of them, though.
Pro: They have money, duh
Do I even need to explain this bit? Like a famous philosopher once said, “Love is sweet o. When money enter, love is sweeter.”
Con: They’ve known poverty
They’ve had to hustle to get to where they are now, so don’t be surprised if they shout at you for pressing toothpaste from the middle or not cleaning your plate. There might also be small stinginess, but it’s just because they don’t want to go back to the days of “no money”.
Pro: They spend lavishly
They have the tendency to be both stingy and to spend like they’re making up for the years of poverty.
Con: But they may go broke again
The excitement of having money, finally doing dorime in the clubs and flying everywhere like old-money folks, may result in a speedy return to sapa-land.
Pro: They’re very intentional
No unnecessary “Have you eaten?” questions here. They have the money and will spoil you with romantic gestures.
Con: They think money solves everything
Money has solved all their problems, so what do you mean a credit alert won’t make up for them accidentally sleeping with your best friend?
New money likes attention and will probably be in the news for one reason or the other. There’s nothing like admiring the LOYL on TV, knowing full well many other people have the hots for them, but they belong to you alone.
Con: Cheating might come with the package
Everybody likes good things. Sorry to you if your boo doesn’t have self-control. Just ask the partners of Nigerian artistes.
Pro: They know how to work hard
They know how hard money is to come by, and they’ll work hard to make sure they can keep you in mansions and diamonds.
Con: They’ll have no time for you
If you want someone who’ll call you seven times a day, maybe you should look front. These ones are too busy securing their future.
Pro: You may get rich just by association
They’ll encourage you to double your hustle and even give you business advice. They just want everyone around them to make it too.
Con: You will WORK
If your goal in this relationship is to be a sugar baby, just abort the mission. By the time you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad five times, no one will tell you.
People say, “If you’re not making money, keep your opinions to yourself, blah blah blah”. But where’s the evidence that rich people have or give the best advice?
Sometimes, you can tell they don’t “know ball” in the manner they ask you to pay attention to the following:
Work for passion, not money
No lies, if you enjoy the work you do, it won’t feel like work. But think about it; will you survive on the passion you’ll eat during these agbado times?
Swing at big risks
Most risks will hurt you more than they will help you. What’s hilarious is that your wealthy advisor has a big cushion to fall on if everything scatters. But you, that has only “God abeg” to fall back on will see shege that’s mixed with pepper.
Reduce spending
There’s really not much to reduce in this current Nigeria if you think about it. Also, the rich won’t spend less than what they want or think is necessary.
Don’t leave Nigeria
When the wealthy tell you “japa isn’t patriotic”, tell them to use their money to fix the country.
If Nigeria isn’t working for you, it’s not by force to stay.
Save for retirement
This sounds good. But for a struggling Nigerian, retirement isn’t necessarily about financial security, it’s just an age.
Also, inflation is dragging your money with you. Expensive food prices and fuel won’t let you rest. You’re not even sure you won’t touch and finish your savings before 2023 ends?
We don’t advise you to not plan for retirement sha.
Avoid your comfort zone
See, you shouldn’t let someone that’s comfortably seated on their couch tell you to get out of your comfort zone. It’s good advice, but you shouldn’t kill yourself. After all, Nigeria isn’t comfortable for anyone right now.
Nigerian old-money folks will never let their genes mix with anyone outside their class. But not if you follow these cracked codes.
First, kickstart an “old-money-ish” career
Social media influencing or UI design might pay more than medicine or law right now, but it’s not just about the money for “generational wealth” families; it’s the prestige. So, better don that periwig and carry stethoscope if you want to impress your boo’s family.
Make sure your surname is also old-money-ish
Braithwaite, Vaughan, Coker, Vivour. Can’t you hear the money?
Make sure to sprinkle in small stories of how your great-grandfather was part of the people who built the early Nigerian rail system. Bonus points if you take an important-sounding compound name. Avoid names like Adeleke, Indimi or Dangote because they’re traceable, and you WILL be caught.
Have no social media presence
You might love dragging people and dropping hot takes on Twitter, but you have to learn to live a quiet life if you want to marry old money. Plus, did you forget you used a fake name? Do you want them to find you?
Dabble into a little gold-digging here and there
You can’t go to your potential in-law’s mansion with your ₦4k Van Cleef or ₦10k wine. You will be found out. However, no one would suspect your poverty if you offer to take them out to a high-end restaurant to celebrate their dog’s fifth birthday and pay all the bills. How can you afford that? Get a glucose guardian on the side. Think of it as an investment.
You will do small fraud
Of course, you can’t tell your in-laws you attended Kwara State University, so feel free to go international. Before attempting this, make sure to know all the schools every family member went to, so you don’t say “Chicago State University” and they go, “Wow, me too. What was your favourite library?”
I know the chicken only hits when you crush all the bones, but trying that at your in-law’s place will have you outside the door faster than you can say, “Up NEPA!” Remember, it’s an investment. No pain, no gain.
Have no shame
You’re not perfect, so you might make a mistake. But no matter how condescending anyone gets, don’t look at their face. Look at your in-laws like you’re looking poverty in the eye.
Don’t be too available
Sleeping over so you can help them sweep or wash cars twice a week doesn’t apply to old money. In fact, they’ll ask your boo if you don’t have anything better to do with your time. Only show face during elaborate family dinners or parties. They’ll be too busy with other guests to ask you deep questions.
Go spiritual
If all these don’t work and the family still doesn’t accept you, feel free to go spiritual. And I don’t mean casting a love spell on your boo. Cast the spell on his family. They’re the most important part of this union, and your boo will do whatever they say or risk losing their inheritance. You’re welcome.
Some months ago, I asked my WhatsApp contacts if they’d consider sending their kids to boarding school, and one of them said “No” because of the Madam Koi Koi and Bush Baby stories he’d heard. As someone who spent six years of my life in boarding school, I rolled my eyes so hard and had a good laugh.
While his concerns for safety hold water, they are nowhere near the scary things boarding school students experience in real life. I recently spoke with eight of my childhood friends who also attended boarding schools, and these are their stories.
“We were sure a wolf had invaded our school” — Biodun*, Lagos State Model College, Badore
One time, we were all convinced a wolf had gotten into the boys’ hostel. Our school wasn’t far from the Lekki Conservation Centre, and Ajah wasn’t fully developed then. We were surrounded by thick forests. We’d wake up in the morning to find footprints at the entrance to our hostel. It didn’t look like a cat or dog’s footprints. No one had a dog in school — not the academic staff or the non-academic staff. We knew we couldn’t catch it, but we were all determined to at least see the wolf. For about a week, we’d stay up late into the night and watch from the window, hoping to see the wolf. I never saw it, but some people swore it was white. One thing was sure though, we’d wake up the next morning and see the footprints.
“Two men in white tried to take me with them” — Tunji*, Lagos State Model College, Badore
Three days after I resumed as a JSS 1 student, a senior who was my family friend invited me over to her class during night prep. She gave me a good pep talk on how to survive in school. On my way back to my class, two strange people appeared to me, all in white. I didn’t see them approach; they just appeared. They told me to follow them to the toilet, but I insisted I wasn’t pressed. They tried to coerce me until I saw one of the teachers standing far away. I screamed, and they just disappeared. When I told my friends at the time, they didn’t take me serious.
“We saw a bush baby one night” — Tanwa*, Babcock University High School
While other classes had left for the long holiday after third term exams, us JSS 2 students had to stay back to prepare for our junior WAEC. Around midnight, my friend and I were gisting and laughing when we heard the sound of a child crying and pushing something that sounded like a cart behind our room window. The window faced a thick bush path that led to the general refuse pit. we sat in shock as the crying and pushing continued. The following morning, we found out everyone who was awake around that time also heard the strange cries. We all believed it was a bush baby we saw that night.
“I saw a growing shadow on the wall” — Lase*, Lagos State Model College, Igbogbo
I woke up one night in JSS 1 and wanted to take a shit. There was no light in the hostel, but to make it worse, none of my friends wanted to follow me to the toilet. We usually moved around in groups during the day. I grabbed my touch light and braced up. But just as I was about to get to the door, I saw this huge shadow on the wall moving weirdly and making a rickety sound. My first thought was to scream and run, but I calmed myself and started to tiptoe. The shadow got smaller as I got closer to the bunk. When I finally got to it, I saw it was two guys having sex. Up until that moment, I’d never heard of gay sex. They must’ve seen my torch because they stopped, and I just went about my business. However, the entire image — the big shadow, rickety sound and general darkness — manifested into a scary memory in my head. It haunted me until I got older and had a better understanding of sex and sexuality.
“A ghost that touched girls at night” — Anita*, Lagos State Model College, Badore
I can’t forget the two weeks of horror we once experienced in the girls’ hostel. First, it was strange sounds in the ceiling every midnight, but it didn’t stop at that. Some female students started to complain that someone kept touching them in the middle of the night, but no one ever saw the person behind the mischievous acts. In fact, we were convinced it was a ghost since we couldn’t catch anyone no matter how hard we tried to keep watch. Female students were so scared to go to bed, we started arming ourselves with sticks and “legelege” (cutlass). Eventually, some teachers and male students decided to set a trap for the perpetrator. The exact details are fuzzy now, but we found out it was a male kitchen staff who’d been sacked but was still hanging around the school premises.
“A dark figure inside our room” — Temi*, Babcock University High School
My bunkmate and I had just gotten back to the hostel after we were discharged from the school’s hospital. That night, a man in an all-black outfit and a black hat entered the girls’ hostel. For whatever reason, my bunk was his target. I remember seeing a tall figure in front of me. He smelt like an animal with a mix of grass and shit. I wanted to throw up, but there was no light, and I was too scared to leave my bed. The man pulled off his hat, dropped it beside my face and bent down to touch my bunkmate. By reflex, I vomited inside his hat, and this woke my bunkmate and some of my roommates up. My bunkmate screamed after seeing a dark figure bent over her, and he fled with his vomit-filled hat. Everyone woke up and started screaming too. The noise drew the attention of other rooms, and the whole hostel was in pandemonium, with people running to the courtyard. Some girls saw him try to escape from the hostel, some claimed to have met him on their way to the courtyard, but till I left the school, the person was never caught.
“The hall scatters itself overnight” — Gbemi* Mayflower School
When I was in JSS 1, my hostel was in front of the girls’ hall where the senior students had their night prep and other extra lessons. My window was quite close to this hall, and I was on the top bunk. After prep class, they clean the hall and lock it. But what I found strange was that around 1 a.m., the hall would start scattering itself. The benches and tables would smash against each other as though someone was there. It continued till I became a senior. We’d lock the hall, and the next morning everywhere would be scattered without any explanation.
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In my quest to find answers to the question, “How do you know what to do with your life?” I found Kemi* (27), but like most people I talked to, she’s still searching for an answer to that question. The only difference is, she’s switched careers thrice already, to find it.
She’s gone from wanting to become a doctor to discovering a passion for teaching, then health and safety, before choosing a career in social media management. According to her, she’s just winging it at this point.
At ten years old, I decided I’d be a neurosurgeon.
To be fair, almost everyone who read Ben Carson’s “Gifted Hands” as a child — AND has Nigerian parents — is bound to have a medicine-fuelled future ambition.
It also helped that I was book-smart in primary and junior secondary school. It wasn’t like I knew how to study. I’m not even sure how I always topped my class. Of course, my grades meant that “science class” was my only option when I moved to senior secondary school at 12 years old.
But that’s when my book-smartness façade started to fall off.
Physics and chemistry looked and sounded like gibberish. I never understood how to balance a chemical equation or even distinguish an unbalanced one. The formulas were too complicated for my brain, and if not for Mr Rotimi’s* solid teaching and patient explanations, I’d have been lost.
When it became time to write JAMB in 2010, my neurosurgery dreams were already extremely shaky. I’d barely passed the core subjects at O’ levels, and I knew it wasn’t good enough for medicine, so I decided I could also change lives in physiotherapy. I applied for it, passed and got admission the following year.
By the second semester of my first year, I knew I’d made a mistake. I couldn’t understand most of my courses, and even before the results came in, I suspected I’d have carry overs. I had six.
A lecturer advised me to consider changing departments because I’d likely be asked to withdraw by the end of second year. I took his advice and transferred to biology education. I knew I couldn’t survive a course like biochemistry or microbiology, so I rationalised that education would help me be a Mr Rotimi to students like me who struggled to study. We can’t all be doctors and physiotherapists just because we’re in the sciences.
Career change one.
I did infinitely better in education, and by the time I graduated in 2016, I was sure teaching was my passion. But Nigeria soon taught me passion doesn’t count for much in these streets.
I taught in the North during my NYSC year, and it was a terrible experience. If students didn’t come to school bare-footed, they stopped coming at all because they were married off or needed to work for money. I once made the mistake of laughing when a nine-year-old student told me that a religious leader told them, “School is a sin.” He looked at me coldly, and in broken English, warned me never to try it again.
I moved back to the South-West after my service year in 2017 and got a job in a private school, but while I no longer had disappearing students or thinly veiled threats to my life, it was a wake-up call to just how bad the education system is nationally. Students and teachers were nonchalant. The school only cared about collecting money from parents and making sure students got good grades on paper, even if it involved “dashing” them marks. At ₦18k/month, my salary wasn’t exactly the best motivator either.
By 2018, I’d seen enough and could no longer imagine teaching for the rest of my life. I started hunting for random jobs. I even applied for a restaurant supervisor position, and when the interviewer asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I went blank. Does anyone really know the answer to that question?
I soon found a job opening for a health, safety and environment (HSE) officer. While I didn’t have the certifications they required and couldn’t apply for it, the job description seemed straightforward enough. Plus, the proposed pay was ₦90k/month. I was immediately interested.
I started researching the field, and I liked what I saw. I could work almost anywhere, even outside the country, and I thought I only had to take some short courses to become a professional. I even started to dream about working in FMCG multinationals. HSE looked like my final bus stop.
Career change two.
I resigned from my teaching job and started my certification journey with a couple of free courses on a popular online safety and health training platform. I then moved on to an HSE level 1 certification, which cost about ₦35k. Fortunately, I got a six-month HSE intern position at ₦30k/month shortly after. In my head, all I needed to do was impress my employers so they’d consider retaining me after the internship.
I finished my internship in mid-2019, and when I asked about the possibility of retainment, they said it wasn’t possible. It turned out I still had a ton of certifications and professional memberships needed to be a confirmed safety professional in Nigeria — certifications I couldn’t afford. Some industries even require a master’s degree.
I decided to push my luck and apply for other HSE jobs, but by 2020, I knew my safety professional dream wasn’t realistic anymore; I had no money or reasonable experience. All this, combined with the uncertainties of the pandemic, pushed me into a depressive state. I was unemployed with no sense of direction or plan for my career. There was no pressure from my family, but I felt like I wasn’t living up to their expectations.
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I tried to pull myself out of that mental state by watching career-related motivational and self-help videos on YouTube, but it somehow made it worse. They kept saying, “Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life,” but I didn’t know what I loved doing anymore. They also talked about the importance of deliberate “career planning”. While it all sounded good, I was just as confused as ever.
Then in 2021, a friend told me to try social media management. She offered to take me through the basics as she was a social media manager herself. She also told me stories about people earning in dollars just by managing social media accounts. She was earning about ₦100k/month from managing three accounts, but at least, she didn’t have to leave her house. It seemed simple enough, and with the whole world going remote, it was a sensible career path. So, I decided I’d be a social media manager.
Career change three.
I opened new Instagram and Twitter accounts and started applying everything my friend taught me. I even started to enjoy it and grew my accounts quickly by taking part in trends and using reels. I also started cold-emailing potential clients. I got about two or three short-term clients, but my big break came in 2022 when I got a job as a community manager. I’m still at it, and my salary has remained ₦150k/month.
My job is great, but I know I can’t do it long-term. Who would want to hire a 30 or 40-year-old social media manager? Even now, some companies would rather hire a content marketer who’d handle social media with their other tasks rather than hire both a content marketer and a social media manager. What happens to me then?
It’s funny how I’ve made so many career changes, but I still don’t know what to do with my life. I attend many career webinars, but these “career coaches” really need to know that not everyone can afford to “follow their passion”. When I speak to senior colleagues and friends about my confusion, they mostly advise me to pick my most lucrative skill and make a career out of it. But the problem is, I’m not sure I have specific skills. I just know how to perform well on whatever task is in front of me at any given time.
If you ask where I see myself in the next couple of years, I’d probably say “Content marketing” because it’s the next reasonable step from social media management. But if I get a job as an operations executive tomorrow, my future ambition would likely change to “Operations management”.
I’m honestly just winging it in life, so don’t ask me what will happen tomorrow.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Japa season is here again, with young and middle-aged Nigerians uprooting themselves from all they hold dear to start life afresh in the U.K. Some have had to pay through their noses for expensive master’s courses that, in all honesty, they don’t even need.
But do you know you can catch a flight to Papa Charles’ U.K. for free and still get coins for it? Here’s all you should know about a new japa pathway for those who love teaching.
What is it?
The U.K. government has announced the International Relocation Payment (IRP), a one-time payment of £10k to non-UK teachers of language-related subjects and physics. The payment covers visa fees, immigration health surcharge and other relocation expenses.
How does it work?
The scheme covers three categories of individuals: fee-paying trainees, salaried trainees and teachers.
Fee-paying trainees
This category caters to individuals who have secured a fee-paying place in a teacher training course in the U.K. The course must lead to a qualified teacher status for the 2323/2024 academic year. People in this category don’t need to apply for the IRP. The training provider will inform them if their chosen course qualifies for IRP and pay the IRP directly to their accounts.
Salaried trainees and teachers
This category of applicants have either started a teaching job in the U.K. or secured their place in a salaried teacher training course. These applicants can directly apply for the IRP from the Get Into Teaching website.
When to apply
Applications opened on September 4 and runs until October 31, 2023. After that, applications will reopen in January 2024.
When will the £10,000 be paid?
Eligible applicants will be credited by January 31, 2024.
What are the general criteria for applicants?
Teachers
To be eligible for the IRP, non-UK/international teachers must have secured employment in the U.K. from an English state secondary school. The teaching contract must be valid for at least one year from September 1, 2023, to August 31, 2024.
You must also be:
a physics teacher
a general or combined science teacher – you must teach the physics element of these subjects
a language teacher – any language is eligible except English
Fee-paying and salaried trainees
Non-UK/international trainee teachers must’ve secured a place in a U.K. teacher training course from a trainer accredited by the U.K. government. Applicants must be training to teach the following subjects:
Physics
Any language(s) except English language. This includes courses combining language(s) with another subject, as long as language(s) make up at least 50% of the course content
Any language(s), including courses combining language(s) with English language, as long as the non-English language(s) make up at least 50% of the course content.
What are the general visa types issued under the scheme?
Applying gel polish to your nails is simple: buff the nails and cuticles, then apply a gel-like solution that hardens to form the polish. After the nails are polished and shaped to perfection, the session is finished off by drying the nails in a UV lamp.
This lamp
[Source: Javier Sánchez Mingorance]
Seems simple and safe, right? Not really. It turns out that the UV (or ultraviolet) lamp produces UV radiation — the same type that the sun produces — and repeated exposure to it can damage your skin and even lead to skin cancer.
Does that mean you should abandon gel polish forever? You can, but you can also use it safely instead. These tips will help.
Avoid the UV light entirely
Use a non-UV gel polish that doesn’t require the lamp to dry off. If this isn’t available, you can also dip your freshly painted nails in an ice bath for about five minutes, then let them air dry. Another option is to use a quick-drying nail polish spray.
Or reduce the amount of time spent in it
The shorter your exposure to UV rays, the less risky the exposure. Try to stick to 5-10 minutes under the lamps. This also depends on the particular lamp brand and the level of radiation it gives off. You can ask your manicurist to be sure.
Don’t be shy to pack up and leave when necessary.
Invest in UV-absorbing gloves
These are dark gloves that only expose the fingertips. With them, you can ensure your skin is safe from radiation while doing as many gel polishes as your heart desires.
Image: Manisafe
Wear sunscreen
Using a broad-spectrum sunscreen, with an SPF of 15 or higher, on your hands before every nail session will significantly reduce your exposure to the lamps’ UV rays.
Image: Greatist
Only soak your fingertips
When taking your nails off, you’ll need to use a remover solution, and it contains acetone. Repeated contact can cause your skin to become dry, irritated and cracked. You want to make sure only the fingertips with gel get in contact with this chemical, to prevent long-term skin damage.
Rehydrate your nails
Be intentional about moisturising your nails and cuticles several times daily. This will minimise brittleness and help prevent nail damage.
Let your nails breathe
Sometimes, swap your beloved gel polish for traditional nail polish to give your fingernails time to breathe. You know what they say about too much of everything being bad for everyone.
While more Nigerians are willing to talk about sexual health in recent days, it’s still a topic shrouded in secrecy and judgment. We still live in a world where people are scared of buying condoms, so it’s not obvious they’re “doing it”.
In a bid to throw more light on the importance of sexual health, six Nigerians talk about their experience with sexually transmitted diseases and how they managed it.
“Condoms didn’t protect me from getting herpes” — Jane*, 27
I don’t think people talk enough about how STDs and STIs can be gotten even without penetrative sex. I religiously use condoms, but I noticed painful sores close to my vagina about a year ago. I did a couple of tests, and it turned out to be herpes. That’s when I learnt you can also get it by kissing an infected person or via oral sex. It’s incurable, but I manage it with medication to prevent an outbreak — which means a reappearance of symptoms like sores.
“I didn’t even know I had one” — Dave*, 31
I use condoms with sexual partners but not in serious relationships. I also did an HIV test once in 2019, and it was negative, so I thought all was fine. It wasn’t until 2021, when I had to do medicals for travel, that I realised I had an STD. I didn’t even know I had one — there were no symptoms. Thankfully, it was treatable, so it’s long gone.
“I thought it was just a vaginal infection” — Lola*, 22
I’ve had at least three yeast infections since I was a teenager. So when I noticed some foul-smelling discharge two years ago, I thought it was just a simple infection. I tried to treat it with over-the-counter medication used to treat yeast, but it got worse and progressed to random bleeding. I didn’t want to visit a hospital near where I lived to prevent gossip, so I waited until I returned to school to do a test. It was an STD. I started treatment and informed my now-ex-boyfriend — we broke up because we kept accusing each other of infecting the other.
“I think it’ll come back” — Mike*, 29
I first tested positive for gonorrhoea in 2017 after I noticed severe pain in my genitals. The nurse said it was treatable, and I was prescribed a ton of medication. Even though the symptoms subsided, I still felt pain, so I took another test two months later out of curiousity. I still had gonorrhoea. I treated it again and finally stopped having symptoms, but a part of me still thinks it’ll come back. I haven’t tested for it again.
“I think I got it through a sex toy” — Rachel*, 20
I got an STD last year, and I think I got it through a sex toy. I have a roommate, and she has a couple of sex toys. One day, I was really horny, and I used one of hers without her knowledge. I cleaned it after, though.
A couple of weeks later, I started having pelvic pain and discharge, and Google told me it might be an STD. I got a home test kit, which confirmed my suspicion. I think it was the toy because I wasn’t sexually active at the time, and sources online confirm that STDs can be transmitted via sex toys, too. I treated it but didn’t tell my roommate. How would I say I used her sex toy?
“I’m not sure how I got it” — Jem*, 26
I found out I had an STD in 2021 when my partner insisted we got tested before becoming exclusive. It’s not treatable, and I’m not sure how I got it because I practice safe sex most of the time. I’m glad I know now because I now pay more attention to my health. I’m still with my partner, and we practice safe sex all the time.
Although ₦33k could do a lot more in 2022 than it can do now, the NYSC allowance still remains ₦33k. Considering different plans or situations, we advise these wise ways to spend your allawee in the year of balablu.
Blow it on food
Feed your stomach. Even if you perish, you won’t be the first. Or do you really need us to remind you that food is king?
Spend on your boo
You have no business singing songs like Ego Oyibo by Chike, Spending by Johnny Drille or Olamide’s Jinja if your babe doesn’t eat from your money. A lover that’ll blow salary on their babe, it’s from their allawee will find out. This isn’t an option for the singles, but your crushes aren’t exempt.
Keep some for detty December
No matter how stifling the agbado plantation gets, there will always be a way and time for some end-of-the-year enjoyment. There’s life, why won’t you chop it?
Do community project
You don’t have to wait until God touches your heart before you decide to build a school or dig a borehole for the place hosting you. See it as a way of immortalising yourself.
Get your travelling visa
You’re already tired of Naija and you’re only doing NYSC so daddy and mummy can let you rest. Our advice? Save the money Nigeria’s giving you to get out of Nigeria.
Save till service ends
God that created children has provided what children will eat and drink. ₦396,000 (minus the ₦2k state government pays) isn’t small cash to sponsor your wishlist. Just keep your account fixed till the end of your service year. Travel, club, invest, dash, donate.. do whatever you like, my G.
Considering the amount of time you spend at work compared to anywhere else, your boss might as well be your soul mate, and your co-workers could very well be your partners in one big happy polyamory.
So, no, the fact that these phrases work both during sex and in a corporate setting isn’t weird at all.
“We need to really drill down to get this to work”
Sometimes, good results require intense “drilling”, and for everyone to be willing to put their backs into the task, literally and figuratively.
“Let’s take this offline”
Because some things need privacy, whether it’s calling out a teammate or taking the business off the spicy texts.
“I want to take a deep dive into this”
For when you really want understand a task… or find someone’s g-spot.
“Let’s circle back”
Sometimes, you want to return to a conversation later or get into a particular position that’s one number before 70.
“You always come on time”
There’s only one situation where this is a compliment, honestly.
“Hit me with your best shot”
Sometimes, you need to remind people to give their all. Let’s not waste each other’s time, please.
“You’re so flexible”
Everyone loves the person who can bend over backwards to make sure the work is done.
“Let’s stop to talk about this pain point”
This one is important because why go through something that’s affecting the “business” negatively?
“Teamwork leaves everyone satisfied”
Both in the board room and the other room.
“I’d like to bounce these off you”
For when you want to bounce ideas around. Also works with certain body parts.
“I need you to be more hands-on”
It’s all hands on deck, dear. Again, both literally and figuratively.
“There are so many balls in the air right now”
Corporate people say this when too many things are happening at the same time. But too much of everything is bad, even if it does involve literal balls in the air.
“Let’s leave this on the back burner”
This works in two ways. Either you don’t want to follow through with a suggestion, or you’re feeling a little adventurous.
“You’ll need to increase my salary if you want me to do this”
Like a wise person once said, “Money for hand, back for ground.”
“You’re so experienced”
The only kind of feedback both an employee and sneaky link want to hear.
Growing up, we heard money myths and peddled them at home, school, and everywhere else. Some were weird and funny, some were scary, but we ran with them until we found out they were all lies or funny tricks.
Do you remember any of these?
Don’t pick money on the floor
While dressing up for school, your parents probably hammered one thing in your head. They’d tell you to quickly walk past any money notes you saw on the floor. To drive home this point, they’d add that if you picked money on the ground, you might turn to yam or orange or a tanko football.
May we not become a kidnapper’s item.
Or pee on it before taking it
We heard urine was a jazz neutraliser — if it touched the money on the ground, you’d have one-upped the jazzman.
All that drama over free money.
Parents promising and failing to return your money
Nigerian parents, especially mums, would “borrow” money from you and say they wanted to keep it safe for you. But no one got their money back.
We’ll find out why this happened when we become parents too.
Two notes make bigger money
This is one of the wickedest tricks older siblings used on their younger ones. How the hell did we believe those scammers that two ₦10 notes were worth more than one ₦50 note?
Original and fake naira note
We don’t know where this theory crawled out from, but we were convinced if you squeezed an original note, it’d unfold itself — the fake one would just lay there.
Non-electronic money transfer
Some people believe that you could cash out money you didn’t work for by spending a charmed note to buy something from a vendor. When the money got inside their big bag or container of money, everything would disappear and come into your own pocket. How, abeg?
The content creator left her mum in an emotional wreck after surprising her with a pricey new whip. According to Ashmusy, her mum has had an eye for the car for a while, so she decided to make her dreams come true.
The singer unveiled her second pregnancy during her SuperBowl half-time show in February. Although they haven’t officially announced it, reports claim the couple’s child arrived on August 3.
Odogwu finally released his seventh studio album, and the outsiders are eating good. On the seventh track, Thanks, he puts Nigerians on blast for not giving him his flowers despite all he’s done to put the country on the global map. God, abeg.
On Monday, August 21, the president administered the oath of office to 45 new ministers who will constitute the Federal Executive Council (FEC). The ministers were sworn in in batches but were all inaugurated on Monday.
On Thursday, August 24, World Champion Tobi Amusan finished sixth in the final at the ongoing World Athletics Championship in Budapest. She lost the title to Jamaican Danielle Williams.
The National Obstetric Fistula Centre, Abakaliki, released an internal memo on August 22, 2023, urging members of the hospital community to embrace safe social distancing practices. “Sore throat that resembles strep throat, and of course, is more virulent and with a higher mortality rate. It takes less time to go to extremes. Sometimes without symptoms. Be more careful,” the memo read.
According to Freeze, he can only reach the kids by calling their mother. His revelation comes as a shock, with some Nigerians accusing him of being in other people’s business when his affairs aren’t in order.
The new FCT minister isn’t going easy on the poor in Abuja, especially the roadside agbado sellers. According to Wike, they’re contributing to insecurity in the FCT.
The former US president has made history as the first former American president to have his mugshot taken and released. Trump’s mug shot was released by the Fulton County Sheriff’s Office after he was booked as an inmate over charges that he illegally schemed to overturn his 2020 election loss in Georgia.
Days after early detection of a new COVID strain in the UK, the deadly virus may have found its way to Nigeria again.
An internal memo from the National Obstetric Fistula Centre, Abakaliki, dated August 22, 2023, urged members of the hospital community to embrace safe social distancing practices. “Sore throat that resembles strep throat, and of course, is more virulent and with a higher mortality rate. It takes less time to go to extremes. Sometimes without symptoms. Be more careful,” the memo read.
While we await official directions from the Nigeria Centre For Disease Control and Prevention (NCDC), here are a few things we should do in the case of a pandemic or another lockdown.
Make the test centres affordable
Getting tested in the heat of the 2020 coronavirus pandemic was pure chaos. Apart from the limited test centres, the prices weren’t encouraging for the average Nigerian. As of January 2022, the Lagos State govt announced a reduction of test fees from ₦50,400 to ₦45,250, but most people can still not afford the test. The consequence is infected people moving around with no diagnosis, dismissing their symptoms as common cases of flu.
Jail term for palliative hoarders
People are dying and starving, but Nigerian politicians would rather hoard Indomie in secret warehouses and gift them as owambe souvenir? God, abeg. We know Bubu gave zero shits, but Jagaban needs to liaise with the relevant authorities and push a law that mandates jail term for erring politicians.
Price control on pandemic essentials
I remember painfully handing out my last ₦1k to a hawker who inflated the prices of her nose masks simply because she was the only seller available. Other pandemic essentials like hand sanitisers, anti-bacterial wipes and toilet rolls were inflated just for the sake of it. We need Jagaban and the relevant authorities to take proactive measures against the capitalists looking to profit from general suffering.
Make public handwashing permanent
Pandemic or not, handwashing should be a common practice because Nigeria is dirty. Our public hygiene is appaling, to say the least. And while handwashing was mandated during the pandemic, the practice has since been shelved. Banks and other public spaces have packed up or just abandoned the makeshift wash-hand basins stationed at their entrances.
Include condoms in palliative care packages
We already have enough people in Nigeria and don’t need couples bumping up the populace with more pandemic babies. The ministry in charge of palliatives should please include sufficient packs of condoms. You can mekwe, but let the babies stay in heaven with God in these sensitive times.
Designers should step up
Imagine showing up in your wardrobe’s best and having to ruin your drip because of the surgical face masks. This was the case for many people in 2020. Now that COVID is raring its ugly head again, we need the Mai Atafos and Ugo Monyes to get creative. You can prevent yourself from catching the virus and still look fly AF. Two truths can co-exist, or how do they say it?
Prepare to blow
The 2020 COVID lockdown blessed us with a new wave of celebs like Omah Lay, Enioluwa, Khaby Lame and hundreds other influencers who were completely unknown before then. Do you see where I’m going with this? Now is the time to perfect all your content ideas so that opportunity can meet you prepared.
