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Imagine this: You’ve been a member of the “small yansh dey shake” WhatsApp group for as long as you’ve been alive, but you want to see what life with bigger butt cheeks feels like.
There’s only one problem: You’re scared a Brazillian Butt Lift (BBL) would take you off the heavenly race. Take a page from YouTuber, Sophia “Sophiology” Idahosa’s book and try “The Christian BBL”.
Fast and pray first
You want to touch the temple of God without seeking approval from the maker himself? Don’t be silly, dear. There’s no way God won’t be pleased with your plans if you go on 100 days of fasting and prayer as a sign of respect. It’d even reduce the fat in your body so your brand-new bumbum doesn’t look too fake. Win-win.
Make sure the surgeon is God-fearing
If “We treat, but God heals” isn’t their hospital’s motto, you should already know they serve Satan. Carry your small yansh away and go look for a hospital where they do three-hour morning devotions every day.
Sprinkle anointing oil and holy water everywhere
In the surgical theatre, on your hospital bed, on the surgical instruments, even on the doctors and nurses. Everything has to be consecrated for holy use.
Use the healing time to become even more prayerful
After the surgery, you won’t be able to sit on your butt for a while. So just use the opportunity to lie flat on your stomach and draw closer to your Father. He’ll be thrilled to hear you pray every second, believe us.
Dedicate your new body to God
Slaying with your new body takes on a new meaning when you think of it as slaying people for the kingdom. Anyone who looks at you will marvel at God’s creation and praise His holy name for His good work through his servant, the surgeon. As long as you bring more souls to the kingdom, what could go wrong?
Don’t forget to testify
Do you know how many people die on the BBL surgery table or get botched shapes? Be sure to do a whole vlog on social media thanking God for a successful procedure. Use the opportunity to tell people not to copy you just because you look good — that’d just be carnal. They should thank God for you and make sure to hear from God before doing same.
Claim your new identity as a “holy baddie”
Of course, all this isn’t complete without updating your social media bio with “A baddie for God” so everyone knows not to judge you. If they do, they’re really just judging your Father in heaven, and no one wants to see God’s wrath.
2023 came with a truckload of drama for Nigerians. Our dear fatherland witnessed things that had citizens in a perpetual state of “Wetin be this?” stirring heated discussions and emotions. As we finally countdown to the end, we take a trip down memory lane to capture the essence of events that drove the hottest conversations in 2023, reflecting the pulse of our nation through the course of the year.
The botched naira re-design
Image source: The Guardian Nigeria
Yes, there was a naira redesign exercise that ended up being pointless. Ex-CBN governor, Godwin Emefiele, with President Buhari’s backing, announced plans to revamp the naira notes to curb the circulation of counterfeits. He gave a deadline for citizens to return their old notes to their banks in exchange for new ones, which he extended to February 10, 2023. However, a shortage in the circulation of the new notes caused a cash scarcity that showed Nigerians shege in 3D for the next several months.
One woman even went viral for cursing out the CBN governor.
On behalf of Baba Alamu of LUTH road, Mushin side, & Adija Alaso in Isale Eko & so many Nigerians.
In came President Tinubu’s administration in May, and the old notes were legal tender once again. Two weeks later, Emefiele was suspended from his post as CBN governor and arrested by the DSS over allegations of fraud. The arrest sparked joy amongst Nigerians who went through hell during the cash scarcity period.
On February 25, Nigerians stepped out en masse to vote for their next president. Bola Tinubu of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Peter Obi of the Labour Party (LP) and Atiku Abubakar of the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) were the strongest candidates out of 18 who vied for the position. On May 29, Bola Ahmed Tinubu was sworn in as the 16th president of the country. This happened despite agitation from citizens, and reports from international observers like the European Union Election Observation Mission in Nigeria (EU EOM), that the elections were anything but free and fair.
Tinubu’s campaign and win further deepened tribal divides in the country. His controversial “Emi Lokan” (it is my turn) slogan touted a Yoruba-led presidency above other tribes. On election day, several cases of voter suppression against people who wanted to vote for Labour Party’s Peter Obi were reported across the country. Notable celebs like Chioma Akpotha and Falz reported cases of violence in their polling units.
On May 11, Hilda Baci set out to break the Guinness World Record for longest cooking marathon. In June, she was awarded the record for 93 hours — even though she cooked for 100. In that waiting period, Nigerians showed the GWR shege with an estimated 1500 people applying within two months. But none quite caught a buzz like Ekiti state’s Chef Dami, who got the heat for challenging Hilda’s record right after she’d completed her attempt. Chef Dami embarked on an ambitious 120-hour cook-a-thon. However, it turned out she never made an official application to the GWR team.
To make matters worse, the GWR team saw a Hilda Baci x social engagement recipe, and did they cook? She visited their London headquarters barely a week after an Irish chef, Alan Fisher, broke her record and set a new one with 119 hours of cooking and baking on November 7.
Tinubu promised to “hit the ground running”, and he didn’t disappoint. The president’s gift to Nigerians upon assuming office was the immediate removal of the controversial fuel subsidy. During his inauguration speech on May 29, he said: “Subsidy can no longer justify its ever-increasing costs in the wake of drying resources.”
The aftermath of the subsidy removal? Fuel scarcity, a litre jumping to ₦617 from ₦198 and inflation.
When you buy a $44 billion plaything, you don’t just abandon it to gather dust. Tesla billionaire, Elon Musk, knows this, and that’s why he started by rebranding “Twitter” to “X” in July 2023. And we simply can’t get used to the name change. The iconic bird logo was also replaced. However, all was forgiven when the new landlord rolled out his payout feature in August, and Nigerian users smiled to the bank.
Since Elon’s takeover, he’s introduced a range of features that have both excited users and pissed them off too. Verification is now available to anyone who subscribes to Blue, Circle is gone, no tweet character limit as a Blue subscriber and more chaos.
What’s better than one billionaire’s hostile takeover of an iconic social media app? Two billionaires competing against each other with similar social apps. While Musk navigated the murky waters of X, Meta CEO, Mark Zuckerburg, launched his rival app, Threads, in July. And he did this with an iconically humorous tweet, his first post on the platform in 11 years. The app debuted with a staggering 10 million users, and trust Nigerians to join in the great migration.
But four months later, it’s safe to say Threads isn’t exactly Threading anymore.
July got Nigerians acting a fool on TikTok when US TikToker, PinkyDoll, went viral for live streaming herself acting like a video game non-playable character (NPC). Her popular catchphrases: “Ice cream, so good”, “Geng geng” and “ You got me feeling like a cowgirl” filtered into Nigerian TikTok, and we made a mess of it.
The rise of VeryDarkBlackman
Image source: IntelRegion
The Abuja-based influencer, Martins Vincent Otse AKA VeryDarkBlackman, caught the public’s attention in July, during his epic battle with Igbinoba Jennifer, owner of the popular skincare brand, Jenny’s Glow Nigeria. He reported the brand to NAFDAC for not duly registering her range of skincare products, and the agency sealed her Abuja office. The battle, however, would extend to other skincare brands in the country who were forced to act right, thanks to him.
These days, he’s in the news for stirring controversy with his takes on trending topics.
The exit of age-long multinationals
Pharmaceutical giant, GlaxoSmithKline (GSK), announced its exit from Nigeria in August, 51 years after it set up shop in Lagos. The company cited different reasons for the decision, and the usual culprits made the list: harsh business environment, fluctuating foreign exchange. The exit led to a rocket-high increase in drug prices. Panadol moved from ₦100 to ₦400, Augmentin from ₦4k to ₦20k, and Ventolin inhaler, ₦1500 to ₦16k.
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About four months after GSK’s exit, Procter & Gamble (P&G) announced that it would stop producing in Nigeria and return to an import-only model. The company’s Chief Financial Officer, Mr. Andre Schulten, also cited the foreign exchange situation as a major driving factor for the decision. Meanwhile, in March, Fast Moving Consumer Goods company, Unilever, exited the home care and skin cleansing market in Nigeria. The company’s departure was poised to help it find a more sustainable and profitable business model. They took with them, popular brands like OMO, Sunlight and Lux.
The Nigerian tech ecosystem scored a major win in August when President Tinubu appointed CCHub’s co-founder and CEO, Bosun Tijani, as minister of communications, innovation and digital economy. Things almost went south during the screening, when senators dug up a 2021 tweet in which he called them “morons”. His response:
“The tweets online don’t represent me at all. As a young man born and bred by Yoruba parents, I tender my sincere apology. I am profusely sorry,” Tijani said.
In October, Tijani unveiled his implementation plans for the Technical Talent Training program, which will train and develop three million young Nigerians.
The naira’s downward slope
Image source: Premium Times
2023 was a bad one for the Nigerian naira (NGN) as it hit a record low that sent a wave of worry across the nation. September saw the national currency trade between ₦950 and ₦1200 to a dollar from around ₦700 at the beginning of the year. Things haven’t gotten better yet.
The 2023 presidential election packed up in February, but many electorates, including the presidential candidates of PDP and LP were dissatisfied with INEC’s result. Obi and Atiku headed to the tribunal in March to seek the nullification of the election. The drama played out for months, and an unfavourable judgement was finally delivered in September.
However, Atiku continued his fight post-tribunal, leading to an inquiry into Tinubu’s university certificate. In October, a US court ordered the Chicago State University to release the president’s academic records. Discrepancies in some of the records suggested that Tinubu’s certificate was disputable at best. The Supreme Court eventually dismissed Atiku’s suit on grounds that it couldn’t entertain evidence that wasn’t tendered before the lower court.
With the number of Nigerian doctors who’ve left the country, the last thing you want to do is get into physical fights that’ll land you in the hospital. But, make no mistake, it doesn’t mean you should be one everyone tramples upon. Let’s show you how to politely insult people and still leave your ops dead in a ditch.
How to politely insult people in English
We’ve already established that it isn’t wise to go physical and end up in the hospital. So what next? Insult your ops in sweet, subtle English language that will leave them second-guessing your true intentions.
You’re the reason God created the middle finger
It’s a slow burner. For a while, they’ll think you’re appreciating their finger before they figure it out.
With all due respect
Then go ahead to fully disrespect the person. Don’t worry, you’ll get a free pass for first establishing respect.
Did I stutter?
When you’re in no mood to repeat yourself.
You’re consistently underwhelming
Meaning sense is far from them.
You must have a lot of free time
Use this when they’re jobless and being a nuisance.
I envy anyone who’s never met you
When their stupidity is a pandemic.
I hope your day is filled with people like you
Because foolish people deserve each other.
You’re not the best, but I chose you
They’ll focus on you “choosing them” before they see the emotional damage.
How to politely insult with big words
Big-worded insults often sound like compliments until the person checks the dictionary one week later and sees that you finished them. This is a smart way to politely insult people if you don’t want an immediate reaction.
Stop being sanctimonious
They’ll think you’re likening them to Santa Claus before it hits.
You’re being uncouth
When it’s evident they don’t have home training.
You’re a bombastic element
This is old but gold.
Let’s not be obtuse
The not-so-polite version? Let’s not be stupid.
How to politely insult in Pidgin English
One good thing about insulting people in Pidgin is that your ops would’ve had a good laugh before they catch on that you’re roasting them.
You dey alright?
It’s the “I chose kindness” version of “Are you mad?”
You sure say you well so?
When you want to know if their brain is working.
You con be like better person
When you realise they’re actually trash.
Go hug transformer
When you want them to return to their creator.
This thing no too jig
When they do stupid things.
As I see your shirt from afar, I don know sey na you
When they’re due for a complete wardrobe change.
You no too bright
AKA “dullard”.
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How to politely insult someone in an email
Who says you have to endure your co-worker or client moving mad on an email thread? The key to make it stop is to find ways to insult them professionally. They won’t know what hit them.
Regards
Avoid “warm” or “kind” to deliver maximum effect.
Please, test that assumption and take note of the response
Fuck around and find out.
Your opinion is noted and will be given the attention it deserves
When they give “gba” takes.
I’d love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong
When they say rubbish but you want to choose kindness.
Can you walk me through your thought process?
When the idea is so ridiculous you want to know how they arrived at it.
I can only explain it to you. I can’t understand for you
When the junior staff isn’t justifying their paycheck enough.
I love what you’re trying to do
When they’ve done utter rubbish, but you give them an E for Effort.
No one saw the iron hand 2023 dealt Nigerians coming. From neck-breaking inflation to crazy fuel price and transport fare hikes, the poor barely gets a chance to breathe. As the year draws to a close, we deserve premium enjoyment to help us recover. We don’t want the Santa who comes with nothing but legwork and photo sessions. It’s these types or nothing.
The charity givers
Anyone who takes it upon themselves to give to the needy this holiday is the type of Santa Claus we need in this economy.
Santa Wizzy
Wizkid is in Lagos and high in Christmas spirit. On December 11, 2023, he posted on his IG story that he has ₦100m to give away this Christmas in the name of his late mum. This is how a proper Santa moves; in millions and merry.
Mint note relatives
This is a callout to all our uncles and aunties who are known to dole out crispy naira notes. Don’t let us miss you this December.
A boss who approves “13th month”
A 13th month salary or Christmas bonus would bang right now. With that, we can ball in December and still manage through the 80 days of January. Any boss that disburses the funds should be awarded Santa Claus of the Year.
Anyone in Tinubu’s government
Appointments have been flying up and down. The federal government just sponsored over 500 non-professional people to the COP28 summit in Dubai. It’s clear to see that the biggest ballers of this period are the direct beneficiaries of Tinubu’s government. Find one today and tell him how good you’ve been all year.
IJGB people
They shouldn’t even bother to change their cash to naira. Let them just come with their hard currencies and squeeze them into our hands.
Friendly police
We need policemen who won’t harass us for not giving them “something” for December.
Afrobeats remains a global top boy with the closing of 2023. But as we head into 2024, it should take some things much more seriously if it wants to stay ahead.
Giving full credit
Nobody will go hungry if everyone involved in creating a song is fully credited for their contribution. In fact, everyone eats — from producer to songwriter to graphic designer. Let’s take metadata seriously from now on, please.
Owning our narrative
Nigerians may love grass-to-grace stories, but for how long will afrobeats musicians from privileged backgrounds keep up that facade? There’s no shame in having a billionaire dad or respected family name, beloved, nor is there shame in being a trust fund kid. So own it.
Leaving Amapiano for the owners
Shout out to Nigerians for borrowing the beautiful South African sound and making memorable, chart-climbing hits out of it. But it’s time to focus on our many sons of Afrobeats. Because TBH, we’re tired of log drums.
More unique looks
Not everytime locs. Sometimes, Tuface or Portable style.
Clear samples
There’s no gain in waiting until lawyers write you, or your song is taken down from streaming platforms, to pay up for illegal sampling. Get permission and clear samples before using copyrighted material in your music.
No to fake PR
People need to stop fake dying or pulling other unnecessary promotional stunts. Maybe get a creative director to do organic, professional work with you instead.
No more comparison
Pitting artists against each other will never be cool, nor will disrespecting your colleague’s work. Artists should just stay away from fan drama. Or address them to kill the flames of stan wars.
It’s that time of December to pick a co-worker and anonymously surprise them with a gift. But if you’re unwilling to be anyone’s secret Santa, explore these alternatives instead.
Rig the game
Hustle to be in charge of the office Secret Santa and rig the selection process so someone with funds can pick your name. Don’t cry when you get a keyholder or the Olori Oko album as a gift o.
Or spoil yourself
If you’re going to spend money, it might as well be on someone whose wishlist you know well — you. Buying gifts for yourself is simply more exciting than waiting for an anonymous Santa to disappoint you.
Be Santa without the “secret”
If gifting anonymously isn’t doing it for you, this is your call to remove the “secret” and become an actual helper. Show the world the benevolent in you.
Robin Hood
Speaking of benevolence, forget secret Santa. Robin brought more anonymous cheer. So find a way to rob Nigerian politicians of their wealth and use it to feed the needy — your fellow slaves of capitalism.
Posh bambiala
Enter rich people’s DMs, send your name, account details and cap it up with “compliments of the season”. Haters will say, “The nerve of you,” but you’re only creating a multi-revenue stream. Let rich people be your Santa for a change.
X.com: @UfotUbon
Gift courier
Think about the heavy sum we’ve heard some dispatch riders rake in per month. Helping the secret Santas deliver gifts may be a better idea. At least, you’ll make money instead of losing it on someone you don’t even like. You may earn more than your actual salary, or at least, enough to survive the 80 days of January.
Sit-at-home
Don’t participate in Secret Santa, don’t send a wish list to anyone and don’t collect gifts either. Be with your boring self. Simple.
Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.
Hi, I’m Lolade. I’m a writer, editor and musician. I’m reclusive and not good with conversations because I’m socially awkward. It’s getting better now, but there was a time when it felt like people were pinching me just by talking to me. I’d choose dark elements over joy and fun. I’m like Wednesday Addams; I’ve loved her since I was a child. I love horror, but more than that, I love psycho-thrillers. I have a weird relationship with animal protein in the sense that I still eat it, but I don’t enjoy the taste or the thought that it was once alive. I’m vegan, but just lazy because it’s hard work. I was also a child genius.
Tell me about the child genius bit
I entered JSS 1 at age eight because I skipped four classes in primary school. I was good at school, so everybody assumed I’d study medicine. That must be where my social awkwardness came from. My classmates were years ahead of me, so I was always worried I’d say something stupid. I had a baby voice, and people always made sure to point that out. I was always hung up about whether what I’m about to say would make any sense.
Just because I was smart, people were like, “You have to go to science class.” But I’ve been artistic for as long as I can remember. I love to draw. As a child, I’d take all my picture storybooks, recreate them page by page and paste the pictures all over my room walls. Everyone just ignored that and said, “You’ll sha still study medicine.”
On school variety days, the social people would get to participate in dance and drama, but I had to do debates, spelling bees and math competitions. I’d win the competitions, fair, but I just wanted to dance, sing and do all those other things. But I’d always hear, “No. That’s not you.” I was sad and lonely because people had put me in a box, making me reluctant to be around others.
Was your reluctance a growing-up thing, or did it stick with you?
By university, I’d gotten used to being the strange one. I just wanted to be on my own, so I’d destroy my friendships without knowing. I’d be friends with some people for several months, and then suddenly, I’d just start acting up. It was like an out-of-body experience. I’d start doing all sorts of stupid things, and before you know it, they can’t stand me.
What did you study at uni?
Architecture, which is like medicine. You need to be passionate to study it, or you’d be sad. The late nights at the studio, drawing buildings from skeleton to roof — I still have chronic back pains from my years in architecture school. I hated it so much I had a panic attack in my first semester. Studying architecture is one of my biggest regrets in life. And to think my family thought it was a good compromise between medicine and visual art. I never practised architecture for one day.
How did you go from reclusive genius to architecture hater to musician?
I’ve always loved music.
One of my biggest issues in life is how I’m good at and interested in too many things — drawing, storytelling, singing. When I graduated from university at 19, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. But I’ve always sung in church and school. I always joined the choir, but no one paid attention to me. Because of that, I believed my voice was average, so I even started singing off-key on purpose. No one knew I could sing in school, except my roommates.
I didn’t know where to start with music until I went to Calabar for NYSC in 2016. I stayed at my mum’s friend’s house whose husband was a commissioner, and a lot of young people would just come over to hang out with them. One day, I met this woman who just opened a music school. She talked about her passion for music, and how she started as a dancer and had won several competitions. She was better at dancing, but she wanted to sing, so she started taking vocal classes. I was so excited by her story.
She gave me her number, I visited her school, and that was how I started taking vocal classes. In my very first class, she sat at her piano and just said, “Sing”. I did. She was like, “Wow. See sweet voice oh.” I was like, “Oh, me?” It was then I started to think I could actually be a professional singer. We were both dreamers. She made me feel like I could do the seemingly impossible things I dreamt of doing.
I can’t put into words how I feel just listening to music or watching someone perform. It was refreshing to meet someone who understood that. She taught me how to exercise my voice, perform with it, make it convey emotion and pass a message. When I applied these techniques, I sounded almost like the great performers I admired.
Since you now know all the techniques, do great music performances still impress you?
I won’t say I know all the techniques o. Learning never stops. But I criticise a lot more. Sometimes, I hear Mariah Carey sing, and I’m like, “This woman is straining her voice here”. But I don’t do that in public o. MC is a vocal goddess, please. But it’s also made music more achievable. The classic composers — Beethoven, Mozart, etc. — made great symphonies because they had all the time and support from the church and state, not some superior talent.
What else do you do besides being a regular hater?
I hate on things for sport. Hating what most people like is training. If you can argue against what most people argue for, it would arm you with the skill to have an argument for anything at any given time and to get out of any situation.
I’m also a good writer. But I write mostly fiction. I’ve been working on a book since 2016. I actually finished 500 pages of a first draft in 2019, but I’ve been rewriting it since then.
For what audience — millennials, young adults? Or is it for everyone?
It’s a family saga that cuts through five generations of women. So there’s a section that could be YA, but the book as a whole is an adult read. I want it to be a timeless piece.
What happened after the singing lessons in Calabar? How did your music career kick-off?
I don’t think my music career has kicked off yet, TBH. I’m still experimenting and figuring things out. The music industry is a lot.
As part of my training in Calabar, I had to make a cover video and post it on YouTube. So I did Asa’s Bibanke. As soon as I got back to Lagos, I started posting more covers on social media, and everybody was shocked to see them. My first real performance was during a church Independence Day celebration in 2016, where I sang the national anthem.
I got a lot of engagement on my covers because nobody knew I could sing — not even my extended family members, many of whom were quite disappointed I chose to pursue something “unserious”. I’ll never forget my uncle calling me over the phone to tell me I’d never succeed as a musician because I was an efiko, and I should just give up now. He said I was making a fool of myself.
What keeps you going despite the struggles?
The numbness I feel with everything else.
Meanwhile, my out-of-body experiences happen most strongly on stage. When I start performing a song I love, in front of people, there’s this joy I feel. Nothing else makes me genuinely happy like that. Regardless of whether I’m making money from it, I feel so proud of myself when I’m just singing. When I was younger, one of the happiest things that ever happened to me was when the Disney Channel came to our TVs. I remember being so amazed by the movies and shows. I’d watch them over and over just to learn the lyrics to the songs.
How did writing and editing now come in?
In secondary school, I started writing stories in notebooks just because my best friend could write and I was jealous. We both loved reading novels, so it was kind of natural. In uni, I led the student press and media team. Some months after NYSC, I started freelance writing to support myself while shooting and posting my covers, because my parents were worried I might turn into a layabout.
So your parents weren’t supportive?
They were, and still are, in their own way.
They had friends in the gospel music industry, and they’d always introduce me to them. But I remember one time, this particular friend of theirs listened to me sing, and we talked about what I could do to kickstart my career, like coming to his studio to record. I told my father about our conversation. He later said he’d talked to the man privately and he’d advised that, though I had promise, I should get a job first. So I got a job.
A few weeks later, the man called and invited me to meet with some people. I responded with, “Oh, I’m at work. Can we do it during the weekend?” He sounded really surprised. From that point on, he hasn’t invited me for anything or tried to help my career. It’s clear now that my dad lied about the man’s advice, but I stayed at the job for the next four and a half years. I got to meet many people in the entertainment industry there, and I’d always be like, “What the fuck am I doing here? Why am I meeting people who can help my career but not being able to leverage it?”
In hindsight, I know none of these people are interested in helping anyone’s career. A whole machine exists in the music industry that nobody ever tells you about. Nobody really wants to sign you or make you a star. There are way too many aspiring musicians for that, and 90% of them are extremely good. Some are even multi-skilled and know big names in the industry, but still don’t get signed.
The only thing that helps is a music executive’s perception of you and how much money they’d make immediately, or a certain storyline or criteria you fit. No one really knows what that criteria is until they see it.
I know you have a song out called “happy”. Are you working on any new music?
I have seven unreleased songs, and I’m working on more. But I don’t know when I’ll drop them. I hope “happy” will be the only song I’ll drop on my own. It was an experiment to see what it would be like to drop a song and promote it on my own, and how far it’ll go organically.
Why are you hoarding your songs?
What else will I use to pitch to potential investors? One thing about creative projects is only 20% of the budget goes into producing the art. 80% should be for promoting it. Right now, I only have enough to produce my art. I don’t want to waste it with zero-budget promotion. That’s how it’s done in K-pop. They spend $1m to produce a song and video and reserve $9m for aggressive promotion.
Is this you soft-launching yourself on the internet as a K-pop fan?
I’m lowkey trying to refrain from using Blackpink as an example.
2023 will be about getting sponsorships, which could come in many forms. There’s the record deal everyone’s striving for, there’s actual sponsorship or investment, management deals, so many options.
Which artists influence your music?
I have too many influences. I listen to all kinds of artists — new, old, legendary, underground, local, western, Asian — and they all influence my music. But to summarise, I’d start with my Nigerian love, Tiwa Savage. I love her staying power. More than everything else, I love that she started again at an advanced age and still killed it. She inspires me to keep going.
I’m fascinated by tragic icons who’ve passed, like Michael Jackson, Kurt Cobain, and my fave, Aaliyah. I also like hearing strong, sonorous vocals, people who sing with pure, bright tones. And I’m inspired by people who really get into performing their songs — choreo, acting, complex stage production. Nigerian artists don’t do that, and I get why. Nigerian fans prefer when you shout and hype and just vibe with them. They don’t send all the other oversabi.
Do you have a favourite career moment?
My favourite career moment happened recently. I attended an industry event with a lot of influential people to support my mum. She’d just completed a music business and management program because she wants to help me in this struggle.
The organiser invited her to a reserved seat right in front — of course, I tagged along. He especially recognised her in his speech, saying the industry tries hard to encourage Nigerian parents to support their children’s music careers. But my mum didn’t just show interest, she participated in the program, all the projects and was even involved in planning the event.
Once the event ended, an influential woman in the industry walked up to her and said, “It’s so good to finally meet you, Ma.” I literally froze when I saw her stand in front of me. She turned to me, greeted me and shook my hand. I was shooketh. And that’s how people kept coming to my mum, and through her, I got to meet different managers of big artists.
There was this Jamaican music exec who said to me, “You have a mum that supports and is actively involved in your career. You’ll definitely go places.” The whole night was the highest of highs for me.
How much more do you hope to do with music in the next couple of years?
Just because I’m obsessed with music, I know I’ll have an entertainment company structured just like K-pop companies.
After NYSC, I was obsessed with the idea of getting a record deal. I still want one because it does help with structure. But now, I have an artistic vision for my sound and visuals. I already know how my songs will lead up to each other, the storyline of my entire discography. I even have a Pinterest account with secret vision boards for each song. I’m on my bed every night, just scrolling through those boards, reminding myself about all the ideas and how they connect.
It’s interesting because I’m finding out now that many of these record companies want stuff like that. They won’t even sign you until they’re sure you’re marketable — and for a long time. So this is my safety net. Whenever a record label decides to approach me, I already have ten years’ worth of content to show. I’m just waiting for a platform, and while I wait, I’m working on having my own resources.
You call yourself the “Queen of Lagosians”. Why?
I come from an old Yoruba family that’s originally from Lagos. One time in 2019, I attended a family owambe, where I wore traditional lace and aso-oke with my mum’s corals. When I posted the photos on Instagram, my friends started calling me “Queen of Lagos”.
I changed it to “Queen of Lagosians” because I want to be the queen of people’s hearts, not just a location. I’m obsessed with royalty, so a while back I heard about this woman in history called Mary, Queen of Scots, who had a very sad life. And because sadness fascinates me, I’m obsessed with her too. Even though she was the sovereign queen of Scotland, she lived in France for a long time and had a French accent, so her people didn’t like her. She tried to endear herself to them by saying she was the Queen of “Scots”. Also, Princess Diana was asked in an interview whether she thinks she’d ever be the Queen of England. She said no, but that she wanted to be the queen of people’s hearts.
In my mind, I was like, I don’t want to be the Queen of Lagos. I want to be the Queen of Lagosians, queen of the people.
January has an extra 20 days, so we know you’ll have to spend wisely this December. But this doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun. If you want to have a Detty December without spending all your money in the bank and then some, we know all the places you should be at this month.
Your imagination
Your overactive imagination is already on overdrive, thinking up different ridiculous situations and making you delusional, so you might as well put it to great use this December. Let your delusion lead you to the best time of your life.
King’s Fest
Devon King’s is throwing a party for their customers at the low low cost of zero naira. All you’ll have to do is register online and come ready to have a swell time
King’s Fest is brought to you by Devon King’s and will be happening at Ikeja City Mall on the 16th of December. There’ll be a ton of fun activities; you don’t want to miss it. What’s more? You might even make new besties or meet a potential life partner there. Before we forget, there is a chance that you win electronic items, too. However you look at it, it’s a win-win.
A children’s party
Let’s explain. If you play Santa Claus at a children’s party the heat might finish you in that suit, but you’ll have a fun time, free food and drinks, and you’ll still get paid. You’re welcome.
A stranger’s wedding
If you haven’t gotten the memo yet, everyone and their daddy are getting married this December. We suggest you wear your adult shoes, get dressed on a Saturday, find your way to the nearest event center, and gatecrash the hell out of weddings this month. Just make sure you avoid the bouncers so they don’t throw you out on your ass.
Your house
If you think about it, all you really need to have a good time is yourself, so we suggest you fight the boredom, look around your house, find all the things that’ll spark joy and do just that.
Traffic
If you love the fun and thrill of traffic drama, then that is just the place for you. Take a ride to the supermarket or something, play loud music and watch the people in your city act up and out.
Family gatherings
Yes, they might make comments you won’t like and end up pissing you off, but you’ll have a good 5-10 minutes before that starts, so make good use of it.
On the night of December 3, 2023, Nigerian military drones “mistakenly” attacked a village called Tundun Biri in Kaduna State. This horrible incident in which the Nigerian Army bombed civilians isn’t the biggest news in the country right now. But it should be, so we took it upon ourselves to compile everything to know about it.
An Eid-el-Maulud celebration
It all started when locals of Tundun Biri village came together to celebrate the birth of the Holy Prophet Muhammad. According to the National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) North-West Zonal Office, the bombing started around 9 p.m. Observers recounted that the first bomb ended over 30 lives on the spot. As people raced to help the injured and dead, a jet dropped another bomb.
Image source: X.com
The death count
As of December 5, NEMA has the official death count at 85, with 66 injured and receiving treatment at the Barau Dikko Hospital. However, an anonymous officer revealed that the army received at least 126 dead civilian bodies.
Tinubu speaks
President Bola Tinubu is currently at the COP28 Climate Summit in Dubai, but he conveyed his condolences through his spokesperson, Ajuri Ngelale, condemning the drone attack. He also called for a thorough investigation into the “bombing mishap”.
The Nigerian Army’s response
The General Officer, Commanding 1 Division of the Nigerian Army, Major-General Valentine Okoro, admitted that the attack came from the Nigerian Army. As the commander of the division that caused the mishap, Okoro gave a statement to Samuel Aruwan, Kaduna’s Commissioner of Internal Security and Home Affairs. Apparently, it was an error made while the drone operators were on a routine mission against terrorists. The Army spokesman, Brigadier General Onyema Nwachukwu, said the aerial patrol troops mistook the celebration for terrorist activities.
Image source: X.com
On December 5, the Nigerian Chief of Army Staff (COAS), Lieutenant General Taoreed Lagbaja, visited the village to commiserate with the families of the deceased and apologise to the village. He also promised to cover the hospital bills. But who will answer for the bombing of these innocent people?
CAN, Amnesty International and other NGOs
The Kaduna chapter of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), Amnesty International, Arewa Youth Consultative Forum (AYCF), among other non-govermental organisations, have condemned the military’s mishit. The chairman of the CAN Kaduna chapter, Reverend John Hayab, said they’ll continue to pray for the government, while the AYCF National President, Shettima Yerima, charged the government to launch an investigation.
Not the first bombing mishaps
In 2023, there have been three bombing mishap cases. The first happened in Niger State on January 24. The second killed over 40 herders in Nasarawa State two days later. According to research, at least 425 Nigerians have perished due to military “error” bombing between 2017 and 2023.
The Nigerian Air Force denies involvement
Although the Nigerian Air Force is behind the first two cases of bombing civilians by mistake this year, it quickly disassociated itself from the Tundun Biri incident. On Monday, December 4, the Nigerian Air Force (NAF) released a statement through its Director of Public Relations and Information, Air Commodore Edward Gabkwet. According to him, NAF had nothing to do with the attack and hadn’t operated in the state or its surroundings in a while. “The NAF is not the only organisation operating combat-armed drones in the Northwestern region of Nigeria.”
Citizens protest
On December 7, protesters marched to the National Assembly and demanded the immediate resignation of Badaru Abubakar, the Minister of Defence. In Zaria Local Government Area, Kaduna State, a group of youths took to the streets to protest the brutal bombing.
When you think about the cost of running a business in Nigeria, the financials come to mind first. But there are grave mental costs too, and Olayinka Ahmed (co-owner and manager of Citi Lounge) only realised this weeks after starting his restaurant.
He talks about building the restaurant from scratch, why he believes everyone is out to defraud him and how much the business has changed him in little time. According to him, he’s “lost his humanity”.
Nothing prepares you for the reality of running a restaurant in Nigeria, especially if you have zero business experience like me.
I was a freelance influencer and had never held a 9-5 before setting up and co-managing Citi Lounge — a restaurant and lounge on the Lagos Mainland — in November 2023. I’ve been at it for about three weeks, and my learnings could fill a book.
The first thing you need to know when setting up a similar business in Lagos is that you’ll need a lot of money. Money influenced the idea of owning a lounge in the first place. My friends, Joshua, Chidi, and I were more versed in the digital marketing space, but we saw an opportunity to make money with the lounge and thought, “Why not?”
We kicked off our plans in September 2022. Once we decided we were going forward with the idea, land was the next thing to cross off the set-up list. This is where money comes in. We found a spot in Surulere and took out a 10-year guaranteed lease.
The government approvals and building construction came next. Lagos State takes these approvals seriously, so you can expect multiple supervisions from agencies like LASEPA, a million documentation, and several accreditations if you ever consider setting up a lounge. This cost between ₦100k – ₦200k. It is a tedious but necessary process.
We eventually got approval to start building in March 2023. Of course, we had to deal with the area boys who didn’t allow us to build — even after government approval — until we met with their leaders and settled them. That cost a couple of millions. After we paid, they gave us a timeline to complete building or risk settling them again. We met the timeline and kicked off operations in November.
When running a restaurant business, it’s important you get adequate technical support and training from a kitchen and operations consultant. Things like getting the restaurant to have a uniform taste and portion size and other processes don’t just happen by chance. We knew how it worked, but we still had a few glitches during the launch.
A week before the official launch, we decided to do a friends-only opening to get feedback and tweak our processes as necessary. We planned for 100 people, but the invitees must have thought it was a bigger event because 600 people turned up.
Our waiters were overwhelmed and were all over the place, so many people left without paying. Maybe the invite should’ve specified that it wasn’t a “free” launch, but I expected people to know to pay for their drinks as a way to support a new business. Out of eight bottles of Glenfiddich we sold that day, we could only account for three payments. Each bottle sold at ₦92k. In total, we lost at least ₦5 million in unpaid bills that day.
The official launch wasn’t much better. We had extra temporary waiters, but the turnout exceeded expectations. I didn’t know we were supposed to have runners — people who assist waiters with sending and delivering food orders to the kitchen so the waiters don’t leave the main area. Since the distance between the lounge and the kitchen is quite small, we figured one person could do it. Ideally, one person can do it, but it’s a challenge during peak periods when a waiter is also trying to attend to and get other customers’ orders to the kitchen. The biggest problem here is that people can easily slip out without paying, and that’s what happened to us.
Thankfully, we’re past that now. Did I mention the tax payments? It’s a whole new world, and you’ll definitely need an accountant.
In Lagos, you must pay 12.5% tax on every revenue you make: 5% consumption tax and 7.5% VAT. No one tells you this before starting. The crazy thing is I can’t directly charge this to customers. We’re in Surulere; If someone knows a bottle of beer costs ₦1k somewhere else, why would they pay ₦125 extra for the same thing? So, we have to pay that off from whatever we make, not counting product loss or theft.
Speaking of theft, never forget that everyone — especially your staff — is out to defraud you. I hired someone who had been begging for a job four months before we started. He’d come to the site and practically do work as a labourer, so he’d be part of those we’d employ when we started operations. He was also very religious, so I thought I was lucky to find a God-fearing, hardworking man.
One week into employment, we caught him stealing a massive chunk of raw meat. We’d just installed a CCTV system, and surprise surprise, he was seen hiding the meat in the bin so he’d come back for it. What’s funnier is that another staff saw the meat and kept it aside, but he went and took it again.
Immediately after watching the video, my manager called all the staff together to beg them not to steal. She begged for nearly two hours and was close to tears before she was done. She also called out the meat thief in everyone’s presence. You won’t believe that after that talk, we caught yet another staff hiding multiple pieces of asun under pasta. You can’t even blame it on hunger because we give them lunch, and even a lion didn’t need that much asun. It’s just sad.
Vendors aren’t left out, too. The other day, we ran out of beer and called our direct contact at the breweries. They didn’t have what we needed, so I decided to buy from a retailer nearby. The retailer’s price was only ₦100 more than what my wholesale contact charged, which shouldn’t be the case since wholesale is meant to be far cheaper.
Curious, I asked the retailer how much he sold empty bottles, and he charged ₦1k per crate. This was the same thing my wholesaler sold to us for ₦5,400. We’d bought 85 crates from him, meaning he’d overcharged us by a whopping ₦4,400 per crate. I’m sure if I’d negotiated with the retailer, he’d have sold it for less than ₦1k. I emailed the breweries to complain, but I know I won’t get my money back. The best they’ll do is sack the wholesaler.
I’m a different person than I was a few weeks ago. Now, I know why it’s important to talk to people in this industry. The wholesaler could cheat us because he knew we were new to the business. It won’t happen again; I now know to seek several opinions and check several prices before buying anything.
I’ve also lost a huge part of my humanity. I can’t stand to see people hurt or turn a deaf ear to pleas, but I’ve realised that people are out to ruin the business. Remember the meat thief? I was advised to sack and arrest him, but he showed remorse, and I decided to give him another chance. A few days later, he started acting up again, threatening to leave the business, and I had to have him escorted out. He responded by rolling on the floor and begging to stay. It broke me, but I knew he wasn’t actually remorseful.
Running this business has also made me more analytical. I used to believe in the universe making things work for me, but the business will pack up in days if I wait for the universe now. I have to be on the ground, keeping an eagle eye on everything. If it’s not food theft, it’s waiters claiming some customers didn’t pay so they can keep the money. I hardly have time for my family or other work interests now, and it’ll probably be like this for the next six months. I hope by then, we’ll have established a culture and strict processes to ensure the lounge runs at minimal loss without my daily input.
It hasn’t been all terrible, though. I recently started sharing some of these experiences on Twitter, and people have been really supportive. We’ve had people visit the lounge just because they saw my posts and wanted to show support. Patronage has been up by 500%, and it’s a significant testament to the fact that while there may be many terrible people, there are equally as many good people out there. It’s what keeps me going.
Cool parties don’t just happen by chance. There are several experiences and boxes that need to be ticked — If it didn’t dey, it didn’t dey. That’s why this guide exists. If you don’t see these activities at your next campus party, feel free to head out.
But maybe there’s no need to ‘lurn’ the hard way; you can learn easily from University of Port Harcourt, University of Nigeria, Imo State University and University of Lagos students’ experience during the Sabinus campus tour that Malta Guinness refreshed recently. Nigerian Students no dey carry last, after all.
The coolest people
What’s a cool party without the cool kids? The cool kids are always down to have a good time, and you’ll always find them where the fun is.
Exciting artist line-up
The first box to tick has to be music. How else do you want to dance and forget that you have a million tests to read for and a gazillion assignments to turn in if the music performances aren’t epic?
Rap battles and dance contests
The chance to have the time of your life AND show your talent? Sign us up. Who knows if that’s where your entertainment career will take up from? Besides, there’s no easier way to become more popular on campus.
Stand-up comedian performances
Not every time, dance. Sometimes you just want to laugh till your ribs ache like the students who enjoyed the Malta Guinness X Sabinus Campus Tours. We have it in good standing that there was no dry moment. How could there be? Do you know how many stand-up comedians there were? And haven’t you watched a Sabinus video?
Drinks and mocktails
Who says you can’t have a good time without getting a headache the next day? As long as there are ice-cold cans of Malta Guinness and delightful Malta Guinness-infused mocktails for wholesome nourishment, you’re good to go.
Fire set-ups
Of course, you’d need cute backdrops for Instagrammable pictures. It’s the law.
Giveaways too
What do all campus parties have in common? Students going through one stage of sapa or the other. So they wouldn’t say no to giveaways. There were freebies and giveaways at the Sabinus Live in Concert Campus Tours sponsored by Malta Guinness. If I were you, I’d keep my eyes peeled for the next one. Just saying.
Malta Guinness remains committed to fostering a world of good, promising more vibrant experiences ahead! For further updates on how best to throw campus parties, follow Malta Guinness NG on Instagram and visit www.facebook.com/maltaguinness to learn more.
We’re in the last month of 2023, and we can barely feel the celebration in the air. Economy still is hard AF, purses are almost empty, friends and loved ones are on the japa wave. Nothing feels as they used to. Detty December doesn’t bang like it used to.
But we have one life and can’t come and kill ourselves. If you’re like us, come here and we’ll let you in on a secret; we’ve figured out some simple hacks to enjoying Detty December.
Work with the president
It’s been raining special assistants at Aso Rock. Do you see the opportunity we see? If you can convince Tinubu to make you a special assistant’s assistant, you’re all set for December. Start revamping your CV.
Work in a night club
It’s not a secret that nightclubs will be full of activities this December. Get a job there,work the bottle service and get the chance to enjoy free music and party with celebrities.
Play Santa and other mascots
If you can take up gigs where you’ll cosplay as Santa Claus or the Teletubbies, This is your time to shine. You won’t get only money payment out of it; you’ll also enjoy music and kids.. Detty December is all about music and dance, isn’t it?
Home is where the fun is is
If all else fails, sit down in your house o. Because if you step outside for one minute, 100k has gone.
If you don’t do Detty December outside this year, you’ll do it next year. Trust the vibe.
Buy unlimited data
As you already know, outside is fucking expensive. You might as well stay indoors and spend your Detty December budget on data and Netflix streaming subscriptions. You will enjoy movies and views from those outside.
Not discouraging you from going outside to flex, but also see this as your chance to be the film guru in your circle.
Go to your village
If you really need to change your location this December, pity your account and go to your village. We hope you have the courage to walk away from the noise, chaos,and the bills in the city.
Organise with friends
If going to your village is not an option because you want to be with your friends, there’s one more option to explore.You guys can have fun by putting your little Detty December budgets together and having a cheerful and warm house party. Remember a wise man said, “in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things, does the heart find its morning and is refreshed.”
It’s that time of the year when the “I Just Got Backs” (AKA IJGBs or Nigerians abroad) return to the motherland to check on their family and loved ones.
They’ll bring out foreign currencies, accents will flow left and right, and these allegations will remain around their necks.
Wannabe ballers
All IJGBs do is show off the superiority of their foreign cash. And now, naira can’t even fight back.
All IJGBs are liars. If you snooze, they’ll give you cold zobo.
Na why I no dey take all these abroad or IJGB men seriously, my mum keeps asking me why I turn all of them down, it’s cos they’re liars, they always have someone over there, because why will you leave all the women there and come and be asking me that is in Nigeria out
If you live in Nigeria and you are doing well for yourself despite the critical state of the country’s economy, don’t let any IJGB intimidate you, I can bet you most likely have a better life.
It seems Jagaban has pressed pause on waxing lyrical since he became the president. And we understand, Nigeria isn’t an easy country to govern — the work choke.
However, who can “forget the aspire to maguire” quotes that trailed the president’s campaign season? Our president was in his Socrates bag, and he had the best ones for real.
An X user recently asked people to share the craziest things they’ve seen in Lagos, and the video quotes had me in complete stitches. There was one driver who attempted to take a shit and throw it at LASTMA officials. And there was the road rage video that showed two drivers completely destroying their vehicles.
I decided to find individuals who could share narrated versions of the craziest things they’ve witnessed in the Centre of Excellence.
Jide*, 25
I saw one of those viral videos of a LASTMA driver on the bonnet of a speeding car in real life. And it’s the craziest thing my eyes have seen since I relocated to Lagos from Osogbo. I was waiting for a bus, and a car zoomed by with a human being on the bonnet. I was too stunned for words. Thank God some people recorded because I just kept wondering who’d believe me if I gave them the gist without evidence.
Balikis*, Late 30s
On my way back home from work, I took a bus from Oshodi underbridge. Everything seemed normal until I noticed the conductor’s waist. This guy had several waist beads on. An old woman beside me saw it, but instead of ignoring it, she reached for his waist and tried to yank them off. The conductor didn’t appreciate the woman invading his privacy like that, so chaos ensued. There was a shouting match with a lot of cursing. The whole thing was like a movie — the male conductor who wore beads, and the overreaching granny who tried to remove them.
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Deji*, 30
One day in Mushin, I heard people chanting outside my house, and it was giving strong Koto-Aiye vibes. I know traditionalists carry out oro festivals in Lagos, but I’d never heard of them doing it in broad daylight. I went to the window to see what the drama was all about and nothing could’ve prepared me for what I saw: a long queue of old men and women in white wrapper, and nothing covering their chest region. Some had wooden staffs, calabash with fire, live chickens and birds, and so many other weird things. But they also had proper “rich people” vibes. They wore expensive-looking rings and necklaces. They walked on in a single file, chanting their thing. It gave me the chills.
Ibrahim*, 35
I visited a friend in one of these expensive estates on the island. The buildings looked nice, and my inner spirit was just screaming, “God, when?” But that was all short-lived because I got to a T-junction, and what I saw scarred me for a while: calabashes in different sizes filled with weird food combinations. It looked like a scene from a Nollywood movie. I quickly faced front and raced to my friend’s place. He laughed at me when I told him about it. Apparently, some traditionalists live in the estate.
Bolu*, 32
I was at a BRT bus stop when I saw this young man fall to the ground in a seizure. He looked well dressed, and I assumed he was coming from work. To my complete shock and surprise, nobody tried to approach him. Everyone just moved back and watched as the poor man writhed on the floor. I felt awful, but seeing everyone stay put forced me to do the same. This is Lagos, you might end up offering to help not knowing you’re setting yourself up for trouble. Some minutes later, the BRT bus arrived and everyone entered without tending to him. I watched from the window as the guy stood up and cleaned himself up. On the bus ride, the passengers talked about how they’d watched people scam unsuspecting victims with fake epilepsy episodes. In my head, I was just thinking, “What if it wasn’t fake?” “What if he really needed help?” “What if he died?” Lagos is the ghetto.
Segun*, 29
My office was on Allen Avenue, and during the day, everywhere always looked normal. I couldn’t relate to some of the stories of sex workers I’d heard in the past. But on this fateful day, we’d closed super late because it was the last day of work for the year. I left the office around 9:30 p.m., and on my way to the bus stop, I got to this hotel and saw some ladies outside looking for customers. My first instinct was to cross to the other side of the road, but I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen?” So I just kept a straight face and walked past. I got to their midst, and they started saying, “Fine boy, you won do?” “Come chop your mama ponmo,” “You won fuck toto?” some of them even tried to pull me. It was too much. I couldn’t believe I was witnessing the Nollywood portrayals in real life.
Hassan*, 40
A brand was doing product activation at the market in Ojuwoye, Mushin, and they had a dance competition. This weirdly dressed person showed up out of nowhere to scare people away. Turned out he had mental illness. The market women started making a case that the brand should just allow him to participate in the dance competition. Obviously, the brand didn’t want that, and even the other contestants weren’t comfortable. But the guy refused to leave. Eventually, they made space for him, and he started dancing. He had mad moves that made it less clear he was unwell. The market people started clapping and hailing him. It was such a weird and interesting day.
Break-ups happen. Suddenly, that person you couldn’t go a day without speaking to is grouped with the other mistakes of your past. It’s a tale as old as time.
But how do you make a clean break without relapsing and torturing yourself with memories of the good ol’ days? That’s where we come in. Follow this guide carefully.
First of all, throw “closure” away
Closure shouldn’t keep you from moving on from a broken relationship. Why do you need to go back to someone who broke your heart to ask them why they broke your heart? People will argue that it’s necessary, but all it does is make your emotions more fragile than they already are. Just accept the breakup has happened, no going back.
Allow yourself to grieve
One mistake we tend to make is to hurriedly pull ourselves together. This isn’t the Olympics, dear. They’re not catching latecomers. This was someone you imagined a future with. It’s okay to mourn the loss of that future. It’s better to grieve now than to be doing “What if?” three years later.
Don’t lie to yourself
Deep down, you know you can’t be just friends with this person, so respectfully decline if they come at you with any “We can still be friends” BS. Unless you can live with that. In that case, do you, boo.
Declutter
Removing their pictures from your social media isn’t immaturity. It’s self-preservation. What would you gain from staring at loved-up pictures from the past or re-reading those sweet texts? Throw everything away.
Don’t be shy to block
You might be tempted to stalk them on social media or read meaning into their posts. Save yourself the heartache and block or hide their profiles. And by block, I mean, don’t go sending messages to check on them either. They’ll be fine. You need to be fine too.
Do things that bring you joy
This might sound cliché, but immerse yourself in the things that you enjoy. Go out and try out that hobby that’s been on your bucket list for the longest time. The more you fill your time with things you love, the less time you’ll have to mope about your love life, and the more likely you are to find a replacement.
Talk to friends
You’ll need an accountability partner for the days when you’re tempted to risk it all and call up your ex.
Never forget the possibility of disgrace
If you skip everything else, never forget the possibility of disgrace. The person who broke your heart once can break it again if you lose guard.
A doctor lived in the same compound as I did in 2022. We just used to greet each other until we got talking — and lowkey, flirting — when I went to charge my devices in his flat one day. Two weeks later, he told me he was travelling for his wedding. I was confused — Did I imagine the flirting?
He came about a week after with his new wife, and I stopped going to his flat, but we still chatted on WhatsApp. We mostly talked about each other’s day, movies and football. I knew I’d caught feelings when I started looking forward to his messages daily. I’m not sure his wife knew about it because, sometimes, we’d chat till midnight. We even sexted one cold night but never referred to it again.
One day in December, I had a health scare, so I went to his flat to seek medical advice. His wife wasn’t home. One thing led to another, and we kissed. He apologised and avoided me after. He even stopped responding to my messages for a while, but I know he 100% wanted me too. He probably just felt guilty, so I gave him space. I moved out in January 2023 because of school, and by February, he was back in my DMs.
Deola*, 27
In 2020, this guy joined the company I used to work at. Let’s call him Dolapo. Dolapo was pretty popular in our industry as this talented creative who’d worked with some well-known people and companies in our industry, and we were all pretty excited to have him come work with us.
Then, he came and ended up being one of those diva creatives with an “artistic temperament” that’s really just laziness if you deep it. Anyway, he was fine (really tall and really dark), and I immediately started crushing on him, but we ended up clashing over work because he absolutely couldn’t meet deadlines.
At some point, I found out from his friend (a fellow co-worker) that he had commitment issues and had sworn never to get married. At first, I wondered why this guy told me this, but much later on, I found out that Dolapo liked me. Some weeks after, our company was organising an annual festival, so we had to lodge in a hotel for some days.
In the office on the day of the first night we would spend in the hotel, another co-worker basically implied (rather explicitly) that we can finally do the “deed” since we’d be spending nights in the same building. She immediately apologised, saying it just fell out of her mouth.
We did nothing during our stay, but then, he started sending me really sweet “talking stage” texts and an office fling started after the festival. Then I found out he had a girl’s photo as his Twitter profile image. It turned out he’d done his court wedding with this girl before he even joined the company, and their wedding pictures were all over the app.
Finding out he was married didn’t stop the fling. We continued making out in the office until he left the company and I left a couple months after. I knew it wouldn’t progress to anything. I wouldn’t have even wanted it to if he was unattached. I just liked how good he was at the performative romance and sex.
Now, he just writes me poems and love letters. He’s since relocated to the US, but his wife was denied visa, so she’s still in Lagos.
Deji*, 32
I work long hours in healthcare, so I’m no stranger to workplace crushes. But there’s only ever been one with a married woman — she’s even my current crush.
I was posted to my current workplace a couple of months ago, and I started working closely with this woman. We became fast friends because we have similar tastes in music and joked about the same things. She’s also really beautiful, and I soon started to fall for her.
I know she’s married, but I think she likes me too. She confides in me and hardly talks about her husband. We greet each other with hugs, and colleagues even jokingly call us “husband and wife”. She also brings me home-cooked meals regularly. I want to make a move, but I’m concerned I might just be reading too much into it, and she’d get offended. But then, what if she’s waiting for me to make a move and is disappointed I haven’t shown interest yet?
Esther*, 24
I’ve always been attracted to married men. I think it’s mostly because I’m not interested in commitment myself, so dating married men is safer. At least, you both know marriage isn’t in the works, so no one is breaking anyone’s heart.
I’ve dated two married men in my life, and I’m currently crushing on one. I know I can’t do more than crush because the person in question is my supervisor. He’s very handsome and kind, but he doesn’t seem like the type to have affairs, so my crush will most likely only ever be a crush.
My pastor is married, but I’ve had a crush on him since I joined the church two years ago. He has this powerful aura about him that’s just difficult to resist. I’m too sure I’m not the only one crushing on him in the church.
It’s a harmless crush because, of course, I’ll never do anything about it. But I’ll confess I’ve fantasised about being with him more than once. If he was the kind of pastor who dates the ladies in church, I’d have fallen since.
Manuel, 28
I had this huge crush on a fellow corps member in 2021. She was married, but I still find that surprising. Maybe there’s a way I expect married people to act, but she was loud and really free with everyone in camp, especially guys.
We were in the same platoon, and we both volunteered in the kitchen, so we spent time together regularly. She knew I liked her — I didn’t hide it — and she’d jokingly say stuff like, “My husband can fight o. Can you?”
She was so free that till now, I can’t tell if she was flirting with me or just being her free self. Nothing happened between us, and we lost touch after camp, but I still randomly remember her.
Once you get into the black tax pool, it’s hard to get out. Even when you tell yourself “Enough is enough. I can’t kill myself,” you keep giving and giving in to rampant demands.
But you can save yourself by self-motivating with these Afrobeats lyrics we curated against the black-tax movement.
“Sometimes you might see me looking dope but nothing’s in my bank account, the boy is broke”
This country is hard AF. People know that. But they also need to know you’re just as down as them. You’re just keeping up appearances and posting throwback pics to spark joy. The next lines go: “Trying to meet demand, I swear it’s hard to cope / Me sef I be human being o”. Black tax should not vex; you’re just a Human Being — word and song by M.I Abaga.
NotjustOK
“I’m at a point in my life, if you understand me or not / Misunderstand me or not, me, I’m okay”
Let these words of King Promise be your declaration as you walk another day. No one will beat you if you don’t give them a chance to tax you. Whatever anyone thinks about you is their business. Everyone will be okay. Or not.
“If I dey down now, who go lift me up? If battery low, na who go charge me up?”
These are the questions you need to ask yourself sometimes. The answer helps you move accordingly. Responsibility must’ve hit Joeboy too suddenly, he had to keep screaming the track title, “Only God can save me” throughout the song. Even the artwork shows he needs help.
“Na who born, na who born, na who born the maga?”
“Maga” means “fraud victim”. And if you’re the one people black-tax, doesn’t that make you their maga? Look into the mirror every morning and recite these lyrics to yourself. You won’t be a maga IJN.
“I’m unavailable. Dem no dey see me”
Davido knows how overwhelming it is to look after other people; man had to voice out. You don’t want anyone to use their own responsibility to kill you for the LOYL, so decide who has your number and avoid posting on WhatsApp.
“Tán bá disturb, ko pa data”
Zlatan said this on Blaqbonez’s BAD TILL ETERNITY. It’s straightforward — if anyone disturbs you in order to tax you, turn off your data connection.
“Keep your eye sharpen because e get as you go move around me wey fit end up for DND”
DND by Rema is the ultimate guide on how to manage your affairs and stand your ground in the face of entitlement and manipulative bullshit. He ended the chorus with “Even egbon dey collect DND,” meaning an uncoordinated elder can get a snub or two.
“Ki lo kan boys? Ki lo kan federal?”
These rhetorical lyrics from Asake’s Joha translate to, “Why should boys care? Why should the federal (government) care?” Be the black sheep of the family. Be careless like the Nigerian government. 👀💀
“Do me, I do you. God no go vex, true religion”
If the people taxing you have done you bad or worse before, I guess it’s payback time. I didn’t write this good gospel, Ghost of Show Dem Camp did on WYW.
“Is this the motherfucking thanks I get for making my people proud?”
Say whatever you like about Burna Boy’s entitlement on his song Thank You, but it’s how you truly feel when people aren’t appreciative of what you do for them.
Hosting a global event like the World Cup is a logistics nightmare. We’re talking millions of football enthusiasts storming the host country to celebrate their favourite sport.
The question is, could Nigeria ever? We attempted something similar with the U-17 FIFA World Cup in 2009, but the World Cup is an entirely different game. Nigerians know this too. That’s why they’ve had the most hilarious responses to an X user’s simple question: “What if Nigeria hosts a World Cup?”
We compiled the most hilarious responses that’ll have you going from “God, abeg” to “Wetin be this?”
After decades of being the poster boy for smoking and weed, Snoop Dogg recently implied he’s done with that life.
If Snoop Dogg can give up smoke, Nigerians should have no problem giving up these 10 things. We can do it.
Saying, “I’m coming” when we’re actually going
I’m not sure how this started, but I promise, no one will die if you actually go, “I’m stepping out for a bit and will be back in X minutes.”
Calling women “ashawo”
It’s not like I expect misogyny to disappear, but at least, let’s be creative with the insults. “Ashawo” is so 2007. We can do better as a people.
Using people’s downfall to give testimonies
It’s such a Nigerian thing to witness a fatal bus accident and go, “Thank God my eye twitched, and a spirit told me not to enter that bus,” or “Fifty people died, but only me survived.” Why?
Dry Gen Z jabs
Dear millennials, please, give up the urge to classify Gen Z as people who only know how to say “purr” and reject work. It isn’t attractive anymore. We aren’t the reason fuel is now ₦650.
Truth or Dare
If I hear one more, “Let’s play truth or dare” at a Lagos party, I’ll throw hands. If you want to do x-rated things, do it with your full chest. Don’t disguise.
Claiming to be the “Giants of Africa”
Read the room, people. We haven’t been anyone’s giant since 2015.
The urge to mind other people’s business
If it’s not marriage-watching, it’s body count-watching and womb-watching. You might argue that amebo is already a part of us, but if Snoop Dogg can do it, we can too.
BBN fandoms
I’m not saying it’s bad to stan your favourite Big Brother Naija housemate, but when you start changing your username to “Housemate XX’s left breast” and contributing your last kobo to someone who doesn’t need it, something is wrong somewhere.
“Mogbo moya”
Both of us know you weren’t invited to that party. There’s nothing sweeter than owambe rice, but is it until they disgrace you before you stop showing up at things you weren’t invited to?
Entitlement
The fact that you choose to carry all your three children in a keke napep doesn’t mean anyone else has to help you “lap” them. Same applies to friends [or even strangers] you feel have more money than you. It’s no one’s responsibility to “do giveaway” for you. Know that and know peace.
To promote music and keep it alive, artists devise the most interesting stunts. While some create campaigns that build a great relationship between them and the audience, others push controversial, offensive and even morbid narratives.
We look at some Afrobeats artists who took their PR Stunts to the extreme.
Skiibii
On August 14, 2015, Skiibii Mayana was pronounced dead in a now-deleted IG post by his former manager, Soso Soberekon. Wizkid, Davido and other celebrities sent their tributes and condolences, but less than 24 hours later, Skiibii’s former record label, Five Star Music debunked the news, stating that their artist was hale and hearty.
Although Skiibii initially claimed he had a medical issue that made him blackout, he later revealed that the promotional stunt was Soso’s doing. This threw the once sympathetic public into a rage. Even Falz snuck him a diss on Soft Work: “You fit fake your own death, you still fit no blow”.
Image Source: GoldMyne TV
Kogbagidi
Kogbagidi is the show promoter credited for discovering Portable. In 2018, he faked coming out of the closet after Snapchat videos of him and Bobrisky getting cozy together circulated online. Later, he revealed in an interview that it was a stunt to promote Whine 4 Me by Kadex — one of his artists. He laughed the tasteless joke off as a “normal thing”.
Adokiye
When the Chibok kidnapping and #BringBackOurGirls campaign was hot and at the top of every news story in 2014, a singer and self-acclaimed virgin called Adokiye offered to give her virginity to the Boko Haram terrorists in exchange for the kidnapped girls. Although her statement went viral, she didn’t enjoy much attention as a person. Neither did her music.
KCee
In April 2017, KCee shared a photo of banded $100 bills on his IG page and claimed he made all the money in a day. Unfortunately, a guy in America called him out for stealing his photo — which he’d posted two months before KCee — and lying to the public. In an interview, KCee stated that it was all part of the PR plan he cooked with his manager to promote his new song, Desire. Apparently, he’d reached out to the American guy for permission to use the image but got no response.
Hmmm, Mr. Ojapiano.
Image Source: GoldMyne TV
Teni Makanaki
On November 14, 2023, a tracklist for Teni’s sophomore album set to drop on November 17 went viral due to the lineup of heavy hitters like Bruno Mars, Burna Boy, Justin Bieber. Apparently, it was a fake concocted by overzealous fans. But neither Teni nor her team has addressed the situation so far. Instead, they’ve rode the wave to build anticipation for the album.
Good or bad PR may still be PR, but when the album finally drops, will it be worth the hype?
Fave
Later that November 14, Fave also became the talk of the internet. On November 9, she announced a $2000 competition, inciting graphic designers in her audience to create the artwork for her next single. She announced a winner, but the public, who were disappointed with her choice, became convinced that the competition was just a stunt to create a buzz around her upcoming song.
Ladipoe
In June 2023, a “Where Is Ladipoe?” hashtag popped up on X and IG before taking to the actual street. Some “loyal fans” protested and marched to the MAVIN Records Lagos headquarters to demand for Poe’s whereabouts. Next thing we saw, Layi Wasabi had abducted the rapper. Guy Man dropped a few days later.
I wonder how much the fake protesters were paid.
this thing is getting outta hand
ladipoe's loyal fans “Lifelines of Life” (L.O.L) marched to MAVIN HQ demanding new music
If you’ve been on Elon Musk’s X in the last 48 hours, you’d have seen the viral “Guiding 101” tweet and some important life hacks Nigerians shared on it.
Many people have shared streetwise OTs across love, relationships, money and even careers. I’m not gonna lie, they’re spitting for real.
We’ve compiled some of the most useful ones below.
Money
Use these hacks to avoid billing, defeat sapa and stay on top of your money game.
For every time an investment looks 100% sure, also have it in mind that it can also go the other way round. Never go all in with all your savings. https://t.co/y4oTbSFlxK
Don't help anyone hold their bags or luggage at the airport. You can help watch over it from a distance, or let them go to the security, but never hold it or take a position that suggest it's yours. https://t.co/mMOo69uc7u
If you move into a new neighborhood in Yoruba land, locate where the Egbon adugbos usually station at. One day when you’re passing there, drop some change for them without them asking. Make sure it’s not much, just enough for drinks. Tell them you’re just appreciating them. https://t.co/uI1jxE4BCZ
1. You are not "omo oba" so act deaf when they summon you with street names. Na who answer fvck up. 2. Walking with confidence and purpose. 3. When you are approached, remember nothing is funny, so no go smile. 4. Knowing alternate routes and transportation options in an area in… https://t.co/dYC5y4vir8
1. Any drink that wasn’t poured in your front isn’t for you. 2. No is a complete sentence. 3. As long as you’re sexually active, get tested regularly. 4. If you can afford it, get health insurance. 5. The only apology worth accepting is changed behavior https://t.co/xiJZbQ6PyW
Anytime you go out to chill, do not sit with your back facing the entrance. Always find a spot where you can be seeing the entrance door or gate https://t.co/ZChRO3zuux
When you start a new course, your first priority should be getting an accountability partner or someone you can share knowledge with https://t.co/keQaIvh3e4
– Go on LinkedIn, search for “I’m hiring for” or “we’re hiring for” and insert your desired role. It’ll pop up with a ton of posts from hiring managers & recruiters, Many you won’t likely see on job sections /platforms
Obviously, we were at our own Burning Ram, so we got an exclusive interview with the star of the day, our raffle draw prize, Chibuzor Ramsey Thee Ram.
Zikoko: Ramsey!
Ramsey:
Zikoko: My idolo!
After you, na you. There’s no counterfeit. My goat.
Ramsey:
Ram.
Zikoko: Sir?
Ramsey: My name is Chibuzor Ramsey Thee Ram. Did you hear “goat” in my name?
Zikoko:
Okay, sorry. Our bad. Do you have some sort of beef with go…
Ramsey:
If you’re going to disrespect me, you better move from my front. People want pictures with me.
Zikoko: Don’t be angry. We just wanted to find out if you and “that one” had issues. We won’t lie, you guys look like you share the same daddy.
Ramsey: Are you calling me ugly?
Zikoko: Never!
Ramsey: Take it back. Take it back before I ram into you. Look at me, take a good look at me, then go and look at that ugly, smelling thing. Do we look alike? I have horns, do goats have horns?
Zikoko: Well, ye…
Ramsey: Please, we’re not the same. I’m a hard worker, I’m tough, my people give limited edition suya, for God’s sake.
Zikoko: That’s true. Ram suya does taste really nice.
(Someone comes to take a video of Ramsey, and he turns to Zikoko.)
Ramsey: Shift.
Zikoko: Hmm?
Ramsey: Can you leave my video? Leave my video, please. Thank you.
(Zikoko steps to the side.)
Zikoko: How does it feel to be popular?
Ramsey: Great.
(He turns to Zikoko.)
I’m finally stepping into my glory. This is what I was born to do, to be a star.
Zikoko: Fame looks good on you.
Ramsey: You can see it too, right? Imagine if it was a goat?
Zikoko: So, what’s next for you? Do you have any plans?
Ramsey: I should be asking you that question.
When I’m done here, what’s next? You people will put me in a hotel until #BurningRam2024, right?
Zikoko:
Ramsey: I know the economy is moving funny right now. But you people need to make the money move and put me in the presidential suite of Eko Hotel, nothing less.
Zikoko:
Ramsey: I’d also need an assistant and a manager. Free tickets to all Zikoko events are a must. I want a spa day after this too because you people’s sun wants to burn me frfr.
(Ramsey looks up and sees Zikoko in the distance.)
Ramsey: Zikoko! Did you hear all I said?! I have needs, and you need to meet them! Zikoko: When you meet your new bestie, you can tell them all your needs!
It was a sunny Saturday on November 11, 2023. The premises of La Madison Place, Lagos, was buzzing with meat and party lovers who came together to experience the first ever Burning Ram by Zikoko.
In case you missed it, or you knew about it and thought it was all hype — people hyped it because they trust Zikoko to deliver — everyone had fun. We didn’t want to go home. Just ask DJ Kiss, who played for us.
These are the things you missed and how to fix up in 2024.
Games
People got into ludo, chess, jenga, table football, mini basketball and more.
The vendor stands had people enjoy suya and barbeque of all kinds, asun meat pie (and burger), nkwobi, small chops and a whole range of cocktails. The atmosphere was all delicious meat aroma and smoke.
While people took pictures and made videos, patronised vendors and ate good food, others sat in a chilled tent and watched Avatar: The Way of Water, courtesy of FilmHouse Cinema and FilmOne Nigeria.
We made friends, exchanged compliments, contacts and IG handles, and could finally put faces to some of our online friends and internet neighbours. We met popular jingos like Joey Akan, Fu’ad Lawal, Emeneks, Dammy B, Hauwa L, Dwin the Stoic, Renike, Chigozie and many more.
It was a golden moment when Adeyinka paraded Ramsey, Burning Ram’s prized ram, as Blossom and Dammy (AKA the Dorime Sisters) followed, raising Jack Daniel’s bottles in the air.
It wasn’t a play-play thing when we announced that one lucky guest will win a live ram. The big grill drum of raffle tickets was spun, and Chioma Katherine won our Ramsey. Imagine the joy of coming to Burning Ram and returning home with a ram. It’s equivalent to J Hus’ “came in a black Benz, left in a white one” lyrics.
Fire breathers
You might’ve seen fire dancers many times or even been one yourself, but have you seen fire dancers perform while tossing and spinning actual fire? These guys at Burning Ram danced all the legwork known and unknown while spitting flames out of their mouths. It was like Daenerys was in one corner whispering, “dracarys”.
When it was time to see who really brought an appetite to Burning Ram, fine guys and babes nominated themselves. With bowls of jollof rice and plenty meat before them, and a large, vocal audience around, they sat and devoured their plates. Others ate hot chicken wings while singing the Nigerian national anthem. Winners emerged and received stuffed bags of Burning Ram souvenirs.
DJ Kiss’ set buzzed loudly and N.A.T.E (Nathan Good luck) hyped us into party mode with a mix of afrobeats hits, classics like Konko Below and American pop that took us back to our younger years. We moved our bodies, jumped, screamed out lyrics and had maximum fun.
Zikoko is alive on all social media platforms. Follow us and click the notification buttons to get all the updates. Subscribe to our newsletter, join our WhatsApp community, just be our best friends, and you’ll be first to know about our events as they roll out.
Get your tickets ASAP
Secure your ticket before people rush it. You know how the saying goes; you snooze, you lose.
Image Source: Prince Mazani
Leave home on time
You’ve followed us, gotten the gist about our next event and your tickets as soon as they drop, don’t wait till it’s ten minutes to party time before you leave the house on the day of the event. Well, except you like attending parties when they’re over or you’ve missed the major activities.
Burning Ram is over, but this meaty playlist can still keep you going this week:
As all roads lead to Burning Ram, the biggest meat cookout and grill festival in Lagos, on Saturday, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to curate the perfect vibe to pre-game to.
Jam to these ten songs while planning for or heading to Burning Ram 2023. But get your ticket here first.
Goat Chop Lion – PayBac iBoro
The song and album, West African Goat, both suggest where rapper, PayBac iBoro’s head is at as he overcomes stronger forces to become the best rapper this side of Africa. On the 2023 track, he maintains competition but gives props to his colleagues, OdumoduBlvck, Reeplay and the rest of the Anti-World Gangsta crew in Abuja.
Beef – M.I Abaga
M.I Abaga released MI2: The Movie at the peak of his beef with Kelly Handsome in 2010, with its sixth track, Beef, taking direct shots at Kelly, “Kelechukwu, clap for yourself, well-done.” M.I poked him further, “Kpomo, you no chop. Fish, you no chop. Goat, you chop. You say you want beef.” Kelly replied with Finish You Boy in January 2011, but the world had moved on by then.
BBQ & Shayo – The Lost & Found
BBQ & Shayo is the funky lead single off of Face Off, a 2016 album by rappers Boogey and PayBac iBoro, and music producer, Charlie Xtreme (FKA Charlie X), under their collective, The Lost & Found. Singer, Rexx, performed the chorus in Igbo and English, celebrating in anticipation of a good time.
And exactly like he sang, tomorrow at Burning Ram, “The party go make sense o. You can bring your girlfriend o, for some barbecue and shayo.”
Kako Bi Chicken – Reminisce
The intro on this song is a hall of famer. Reminisce said, “I have moved to greatness,” and indeed Kako Bi Chicken became his breakout song in 2012. Produced by Sarz, this jam keeps the party pumping.
Chicken Curry – Mr Eazi
When Mr Eazi was still making Banku music and finding his way from Lagos to London, Chicken Curry featuring U.K artist, Sneakbo, appeared on his 2018 album. On it, Eazi sang that his “thing” tastes like chicken curry. Weird but the song is a jam.
Chicken, Spice & Curry – Joeboy
Joeboy featured Ludacris on this 2023 song on his latest album, Body & Soul. Just like Eazi’s Chicken Curry, Joeboy’s Chicken, Spice & Curry is about love and relationships. And you can drop a waist-whine to every rhyme as they roll out.
Turkey Nla – Wande Coal
The title refers to a thick lady, and this fast-paced afro-pop jam produced by Dapiano was the ultimate party starter when it came out in 2017. Six years later, Turkey Nla still raises the roof.
Turkey Nla (Remix) – King Perry
First off, this is not a remix of Wande Coal’s song mentioned above. This Turkey Nla (Remix) is a song on King Perry’s Continental Playlist EP of February 2023. But it does stress the same message WC had on his version.
G.O.A.T – Seyi Vibez
Seyi Vibez released G.O.A.T off his Memory Card EP early in 2023. The song samples old Apala artist, Fatai Olowonyo’s Elewue Wole Medley — a diss track aimed at Ayinla Omowura. But Seyi Vibez flipped it and made his own song about seeking divine guidance and having satisfaction in life.
The Goat – Monaky
Monaky released The Goat in 2023, a braggadocious single about his vices and lifestyle. At the time it dropped, many people still compared him to Burna Boy due to their similar vocal texture and music styles. Monaky might’ve been influenced by Burna, but he’s a unique act in his own lane.
We’re throwing the biggest meat festival in Lagos, and there’s a big chance you’ll win a living, bleating ram if you attend and enter the raffle draw.
Instead of leaving the movement logistics to you, we’ve come up with some ways to help you take Ramsey the Ram home to the family.
Carry it on your neck
Image credit – flickr
If you know how much rams cost in this economy, you’d put your ram on your neck like it’s an icy neckpiece and flaunt that ram for the whole world to see.
Put it in an envelope
Image credit – tenor
In life, you have options, and when you win the ram at Burning Ram, you get the option to either leave with the actual ram or the money equivalent,
Walk it home
Image credit – tenor
But if you don’t want that, think of it as good exercise for yourself and your new ram. You might have to grab it by the horn and drag it though, anything to get your prized ram home.
How do you want to get the prized ram if you don’t get your Burning Ram tickets?!
Or the back seat or trunk. We suggest you weigh the safest option and stuff your brand new ram there.
Get a truck
Image credit – tenor
Rent a pick-up truck for the day and bring it to Burning Ram with you. So when you win Ramsey, all you’ll have to do is load it in there and head on home.
Ghana must go
Image credit – oyibosonline
If you want to sneak your ram into your home, a Ghana must go is the way to go. Put your ram in the bag and drag it all the way. You might have to shout anytime it bleats, but no one would witness Ramsey’s entrance.
Beg the ram
Image credit – memes.zikoko
Ram’s can be tough and stubborn, so before you even think about leaving the venue. Go on your knees and beg it to behave itself as you embark on your journey.
Rent a keke
Image credit – dailytrust
Think about it, there’s more space for your new ram baby to be comfortable. Tie your ram in the back seat and take the wheel.
Days after comedian, Brain Jotter, helped a hawker named Eniola with ₦400k to leave the streets and launch her business, allegations have surfaced that she crossdressed to scam unsuspecting victims.
Here’s what we know about the situation so far.
What happened?
On Monday, November 6, 2023, Brain Jotter shared a video of his encounter with a female hawker on his way to a shoot. He saw her hawking bottled water on the streets of Lagos and was moved to help her.
During his interaction with the lady — identified as Eniola — Brain Jotter discovered that she was also a makeup artist. She provided her Instagram handle for the skit maker to verify her claims. Eniola also revealed that she moved to Lagos from Osun state in search of greener pastures.
Touched by her story, Brain Jotter asked what she needed to get off the streets and start her makeup business. After their conversation, he transferred ₦400k to her.
Brain Jotter also said he’d share Eniola’s account details with anyone willing to assist her.
Davido, Governor Adeleke, other Nigerians show support
Eniola’s story soon went viral on social media, with prominent Osun state indigenes, Davido and governor of the state, Ademola Adeleke, offering to help her.
“Thanks for sharing the video. Eniola’s dedication to making an honest living is inspiring. She embodies the qualities that represent Osun. I’ve directed my office to get in touch with her & explore possibilities to assist in advancing her education or improving her makeup skills,” Governor Ademola wrote on X.
Thanks for sharing the video, Eniola's dedication to making an honest living is inspiring. She embodies the qualities that represent Osun. I've directed my office to get in touch with her & explore possibilities to assist in advancing her education or improving her makeup skills.
When preparedness meets opportunities. @brainjotter__ did well. What I love about this video is her poise, ability to grab at opportunity, articulate, have a business that just needs support. She kept mentioning her Instagram handle, and wasn't shy to state how much she needs. ❤️ https://t.co/DeJJ6aV9iY
On Wednesday, November 8, anonymous blogger, Gistlover, reported that Eniola is a young man who’s been cross-dressing to allegedly scam unsuspecting victims. The blogger claimed Eniola also goes by Sultan and has been offered financial assistance numerous times in the past.
According to Gistlover, a group of individuals came together to assist him in 2022 by renting him an apartment in Ketu, Lagos, and buying some materials to kick off his makeup business. However, Eniola returned to the streets and continued hawking.
[ad]
Photos shared showed Eniola as a young man schooling in Osun state.
Source: Gistloverblog_mediahouse
Corroborating the blogger’s report, an Instagram user @cakesbyife recounted how she and a fellow baker, @auntyonicake, raised ₦600k and got an apartment for him earlier in 2023.
Source: Instagram/@cakesbyife
@auntyonicake shared a video on April 16, 2023, in which Eniola extended appreciation to everyone who contributed to helping him get a new home and tools to start his makeup business.
@auntyonicake also extended gratitude to everyone who came together to support Eniola.
“We would like to say a very big thank you to everybody who supported ENIOLA in one way or the other, you all have the hearts of Angels. The journey that began in anger and outrage ended up as a blessing for our dear Eniola because of you all.
“We cannot thank you enough for the special prayers, encouragement and hard-earned money. In this economy, we rose together and gave, for some, it was even your last card but from the bottom of your heart you gave joyfully just to take her out of the streets.”
Brain Jotter, Davido, back out
Shortly after Gistlover’s report, Brain Jotter deleted Eniola’s video from his Instagram page and expressed disappointment in an InstaStory post.
“If I tell you say I no tire, I dey lie. Just negodu, bro deceived us all. Some people have helped him before with over ₦600k. He lied. He is a man.”
Davido also called on his uncle to abort any plans to help Eniola.
Eniola’s story has stirred mixed reactions from Nigerians with some people noting that his choice to crossdress shouldn’t stop willing individuals from assisting him.
An individual who tackled Davido for calling on his uncle to “abort the mission” said:
“@davido Na Man, does that change anything tho? He is from Osun, he is challenged and d!sabled, he needs all the help he can get, he deserves a good life too!! He needs help!! Unless you and your uncle are clout chasers!!! The boy needs help!!!”
I don’t get why Nigerians are mad at Eniola. Why does it matter if he’s a girl or guy??
He wasn’t even begging in that video, he was selling his water jejely. And literally asked you all to patronize his business. Sooooooooooo what was wrong ?
In case you haven’t heard, Zikoko is throwing a festival on Saturday, November 11, and meat is the celebrant. Think of all meat’s family members — suya, grilled turkey, asun, barbecue, dambu nama — they’ll all be present.
The question is, will you be there to bear witness?
If your answer is yes, the next step to premium enjoyment is to have these things because you’ll need them at the venue.
Tickets
Yes, you’ll need tickets to experience the true magic we’ve created, and if you don’t already have one, you’re wrong. But don’t worry, you can still fix up and grab one for you and your clan here.
Fire outfits
It’s a food festival, but if you know just one thing about Zikoko parties, you’d know the boys and girlies come through with the fashion. Bonus point: Go for stain-resistant colours.
Umbrella or raincoat
Lagos weather has been giving rainy season vibes and it has a thing for weekends.
Bring sunscreen
Burning Ram is an outdoor event, and since we’re begging the sun to come out to play, we might as well come prepared for it. Plus, have you seen all the outside activities we have lined up?
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A wild appetite
We can’t stress this enough, but believe us when we say there’ll be lots to eat and drink at Burning Ram.
Gather your coins
You’ll be attending the mecca of meat on Saturday, and you know what they say about good soup and quality money? Exactly. Our vendors will have the tastiest grills, juiciest burgers and wickedest cocktails, so you better prepare to spend that money.
Content creation kit
Everyone is a content creator. It’s just a question of “When will you blow?” But how will you blow if you don’t come to the biggest meat festival with your phone, power bank and selfie stick? Prepare to flood social media with all your hard work using the official hashtag #BurningRam2023.
Still haven’t gotten your Burning Ram tickets? Help us to help you by clicking this link.
Temi Otedola has had us in varying degrees of “God, when?” and “God, abeg” since we caught her “A day in my life” videos. Even though we have to do hard labour for God knows how long to get there, at least, we now know how to act like a billionaire, thanks to her.
We compiled some of her TikTok videos to give you the tutorial, and to be honest, you’ll need a jotter to take notes.
Temi Otedola said one of her favourite things to do is to open her packages from Amazon, and I screamed in abandoned carts and delivery charges. God, abeg.
Temi Otedola, who changes her hairstyle every three to four days, said her toxic trait is never liking her hair after she makes it. It really be things with rich people, but I’ll get it someday (when I’m rich!).
Plan a visit to grandma on your billionaire daddy’s birthday
There’s zero to no stress at rich people owambes, and that’s why Temi and her sisters could still head out to a restaurant after, instead of going home to crash till Monday morning.
There’s a thin line between motivating your employees to do the work and casually giving modern slave owner vibes. On behalf of employees everywhere, we don’t subscribe to the latter, so unless you want us to leave so you can do the work yourself, avoid saying these things to your employees.
“We take pride in our work, rather than compensation”
Newsflash, most people don’t dream of spending all their waking hours slaving at the feet of capitalism. People work because they expect to be compensated for their efforts. We already know we can work, show us the money, please.
“We have to do more with less”
In other words, “You will be overworked”. Granted, it makes sense to do what we can with scarce resources. It shouldn’t be the norm, though. At the end of the day, employees are still humans. You can’t give one person three people’s jobs or inadequate work tools and expect them to be productive or do “more with less”. Let’s all be reasonable.
“We’ll hire slow and fire fast”
So, you’re creating a culture of fear and job insecurity? That’s our cue to start job hunting.
“We’ll do more in-person meetings”
Meetings were already unnecessarily time-consuming. You now want to add the commuting stress to it? Is the price of fuel a joke to you?
“You’ll be stretched to your limits”
Doing hard work is fine, but that sentence is incomplete without adding “but you’ll be compensated accordingly.” What do you think this is? Hellfire?
“You must give 100% at all times”
But the take-home salary you’re giving me isn’t taking me home, and I need a side gig to afford food. Be for real.
You’ve finally escaped your village people and arrived in Papa Charlie’s London, but nothing is giving as you imagined because cold wants to finish you.
Don’t worry, it’s just the winter. Prepare to relate to these things.
The cold hits once you step outside the airport
Your Yaba winter jacket was found shivering.
Bed cold as ice
Prepare to “microwave” everything before you sleep, so you don’t end up like Jack in Titanic.
The weather playing hide and seek
It’s the most difficult period to predict the weather. It could be sunny and warm today, and the next day looks like a scene from Winterfell.
4 p.m. looking like Naija 9 p.m.
But everyone else sees it as normal, so you have to pretend you don’t think the world is coming to an end.
Random love for tea
By fire or by force or by “this cold won kill me”.
Mood swings you don’t understand
Don’t worry, it’s not you. It’s the cold threatening to freeze your brain from inside out.
Outside is not calling your name
All the “I’ve arrived pictures” and “hang out” plans will have to wait because na who dey alive dey breathe.
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No more outdoor parties
This one will remind you of Nigerian parlour parties.
Dressing like Nollywood’s version of a mad person
Winter you do this one. But you’ll feel better when you see everyone else dress like you.
Skin like ashes
This one will make you remember Nigeria’s Harmattan.
Laundry takes days to dry
On top of this, you’ll have to deal with all the haunting flashbacks of your wash-and-wear days in Nigeria.
The heating costs
You’ll now have the sweetest memories of PHCN killing you with heat at no extra cost.
Winter festivals
Especially Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. Should you choose life or freezing enjoyment?
The days are shorter
The Nigerian in you will ask, “Ahn ahn. When did 5 p.m. knack?”
Flu is after your life
You’ll start reading the news to be sure it is the catarrh you know and not another variant of COVID. God, abeg.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
Contrary to Asaba Nollywood opinions, the cemetery should be a place of love and connection with your dead loved ones. And what better time to practice this than on Halloween?
Convinced?
Here’s how to do this right:
Dress up
This goes without saying, but what’s Halloween or a special trip to visit an dead old relative without a special costume? The scarier or more “dead inside” looking the better. This is your best opportunity to confuse your village people a little.
Source: BBC
Visit on a special day
What day is more special to visit a burial ground than a day set aside to remember the dead? Public cemeteries like Atan Cemetery in Yaba, are open every day, so there are no restrictions on when you can visit. Just make sure to visit during the day and with people.
Better safe than sorry
Talk to the dead
Talking to a physical symbol of your dead’s existence can reduce the feeling of separation. At the gravesite, tell them how much you miss them, share what’s happening in your daily life, reflect on the past and talk about your future plans. It may be difficult at first, but it can become happy and reflective over time.
Clean up the grave
If cleaning helps you to de-stress, you can clear the overgrown weeds or sweep leaves and garbage away from your loved ones’ graves. If the grave marker is dirty or has lost its shine over the years, clean it with water, a mild detergent and a soft, lint-free cloth.
Source: YouTube
Or decorate
But if gardening is what helps you de-stress, then go a step further by planting their favourite or a symbolic flower around the site. Or just leave a floral arrangement or wreath on the ledge stone.
Source: Benin Vaults and Garden, Edo State
Take a walk/tour
Did you know a section of Atan Cemetery is reserved for the British Government and maintained by the Commonwealth Office for Nigerian soldiers who died in service of the British Crown? Or that some of Lagos’ biggest historical figures are buried close to the entrance of Ikoyi Cemetery? Not every time Google. This Halloween, take a tour of your local cemetery for some real genealogical research.
Source: Memedroid
Take photos
Cemetery photography is a thing. The combination of headstones, monuments, grave decorations and the cemetery grounds can be aesthetically pleasing, particularly in the older, more private sections of our cemeteries.
Source: Adobe Stock
Some consider it an invasion of privacy to take photos of headstones not associated with you. But if they allow it, observe the following etiquette: hide the names and details inscribed on the headstones when uploading to the internet, and don’t take photos of funeral services, mourners and other visitors.
Pay respect to fallen heroes
Atan Cemetery also holds the most World War II graves in Nigeria — 411 graves. The fenced and barricaded site is a notable landmark in Yaba that most people don’t know about. Pay your respects at the grave sites of fallen soldiers, and leave a coin — a military tradition — as a sign to the family members that their loved one isn’t forgotten.
Commonwealth War Graves, Yaba, Lagos State. Photo credit: Daily Trust
Tip the caretakers
Like most low-ranked Nigerian government workers, cemetery caretakers earn minimum wage. They’re also often harassed and overshadowed by street thugs. Remember, you’ll be gone for another year or so. Having someone who’ll look after your dead while you’re away is not a bad idea.
Source: Peace FM
Make it a tradition
The perfect way to keep your dead loved ones fresh in your memory is to visit their grave site every Halloween. This way, you can make sure someone doesn’t just exhume the grave and sell the site to another person after some years.
I’m heavily invested in you enjoying on a budget at Burning Ram, and that’s why I’m reminding you that we’ll stop selling early bird tickets tomorrow, October 31.
There’s no time o
Meaning, you have just about 24 hours to secure your spot at Nigeria’s biggest meat festival at the lowest cost possible.
At Burning Ram, you’ll get to sample different types of meat for free, engage in fun competitions and activities, and meet fellow food enthusiasts from across Nigeria.
It’s happening at La Madison Place Lekki, Lagos on November 11, and a little birdie told me you’d even get a 20% discount when you use LagRide as your transportation mode to Burning Ram.
Two weeks ago, I watched a hilarious video that showed a group of Kenyan bridesmaids filing out of a room saying, “I’m not the bride” until the last person made her grand appearance and introduced herself as “the bride”.
The video went viral on Nigerian social media as many people found it funny. What I didn’t see coming was a challenge that has now seen more than a thousand entries from Nigerian TikTok users.
I’ve taken the pleasure to compile 17 of the most ridiculously hilarious “I’m not the bride” videos.
😂😂😂 they caught him stealing and did this challenge 😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #funnyvideos#funny#trending#fypシ#fyp#foryou @GossipMillNaija @KRAKS HEADQUARTERS @YabaLeftOnline Media @yabaleftonlinemedia @KraksTV
Burning Ram tickets are now available. Get your personal meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival coming up on November 11th. Tickets are available here.
Around 8 p.m. on October 20, 2023, X users saw posts that followed the pattern of dissatisfied customers calling out an erring vendor. This time, it was Adeola Akinmola (@ade_authority) calling out Wunmi Odunmorayo, the CEO of Naija Hair Factory, for allegedly insulting her after a business transaction went wrong.
Naijahairfactory girl called me now calling me a “stupid fvcking fat bitch with hugly face and husband”
However, by the evening of October 25, 2023, things had taken a different turn. X users found out that Akinmola had been detained by the police following a report by Odunmorayo. Several posts were made asking for Akinmola’s release.
What happened?
On Thursday, October 12, 2023, Akinmola direct messaged Naija Hair Factory’s Instagram page to enquire about their wig revamping services.
“I sent an Instagram DM explaining that I wanted to revamp three wigs, with all the details they needed to know for each hair, “Akinmola explains. “I also asked about the price and duration of the process, but instead, they [presumably someone from customer service] collected my address to come pick up the hair and requested that the conversation be moved to WhatsApp. They didn’t reach out to me on WhatsApp.”
Akinmola confirms that the wigs were picked up the next day [on Friday], but there was no confirmation from them till she sent them an Instagram message on Tuesday, October 17, 2023, to complain that no one had reached out to her on WhatsApp.
“They sent a WhatsApp message hours later asking me to confirm the hair they received. At this point, I was furious. If they were just asking me to confirm something that had been sent since Friday last week, it meant the hair hadn’t been revamped yet. On top of that, the pictures they sent for confirmation had my hair looking like something from a dumpster. These were wigs that were still fairly new”.
Akinmola went on to ask when she’d get the wigs revamped, and was told she’d receive them by Wednesday, October 25, 2023. “This meant the wigs would’ve been with them for three weeks, and I couldn’t wait. So instead, I said I’d send my dispatch rider down to pick up the wigs and pay for the pickup they did, which was ₦3k. On hearing that, they tried to reach a compromise. I explained that I needed the hair by Friday afternoon at the latest, as I had an event on Saturday. They said they’d be able to meet up.”
But Friday [October 20] came, and the story changed. Delivery was moved to the next day.
“At that point, I just asked to send my rider instead. They agreed, and I informed them when I sent the rider around 4 p.m., but they were no longer responsive. They then responded on Instagram at 5 p.m. that they’d closed for the day and I should check back tomorrow. The rider I sent eventually cancelled the trip and left.
I lashed out, and soon after, they reached out on Instagram, asking me to send another rider because they’d dropped my hair with security. They sent me account details to pay the ₦18k bill — ₦3k each for pickup and delivery, and ₦12k for the service. I paid ₦15k because I was paying for delivery myself. Immediately after I sent evidence of payment, I was blocked on Instagram and couldn’t view the account anymore.”
Akinmola went on WhatsApp to complain that she hadn’t received her hair before being blocked, but there was no response. Frustrated, she then went on X and posted, “Naija Hair Factory just blocked me even before delivering my hair”. But she deleted the post almost immediately.
“I didn’t want to get involved in drama. I eventually arranged for another rider to pick it up, but because it was quite late, I didn’t get the hair that day.”
The confrontation with Wunmi Odunmorayo
A few hours after the deleted post, Akinmola received a call from someone who turned out to be Wunmi Odunmorayo, the CEO of Naija Hair Factory.
“She introduced herself and promptly started calling me names like “idiot”, “bitch” and “shameless”. She also called my husband names. The call was unexpected, so I couldn’t immediately record the call. My husband was with me, and I told him to record, but she ended the call. She then proceeded to send me messages and make calls to me via WhatsApp. I recorded it all. I even asked why she’d bring my family into this.”
It was at that point that Akinmola posted about her ordeal on X. What followed was a text message from Odunmorayo who later picked up negative feedback on Akinmola’s business (@corporateewa) from X to defend herself on Instagram story.
When did the police get involved?
On Saturday, October 21, Akinmola received a call from one Mr Jide at State Criminal Investigation Department, Panti, who informed her that Wunmi Odunmorayo had filed a petition against her.
“I immediately informed my lawyer and asked the policeman to continue the conversation with him. All this while, I was still receiving random calls from Odunmorayo. On Monday, she called me to take down the thread I made of the ordeal on X. I said I’d do it on the condition that she apologised to me. She refused and said, “You will see.” The call is recorded.”
By 4 p.m. on that Monday, four police officers visited Akinmola’s Surulere office and asked to see her. She wasn’t around, so they dropped a message inviting her to a Bariga station the next morning.
“I expected the questioning to happen in Surulere, where I was based, so I informed my lawyer. We went to the Surulere station to make a report on Tuesday and told the Bariga policemen we’d show up on Wednesday. I even had an accident that Tuesday evening, which required me to fix my car on Wednesday morning. But I arrived at the Bariga station with my husband and lawyer for what was supposed to be a simple dialogue.”
What happened at the police station, as recounted by Akinmola and her husband
We waited for Odunmorayo to show up at the station for over an hour. She finally arrived with a man. They were holding hands and seemed close, even exchanging quiet remarks.
Two other policemen (Nosa and Kenny) joined us, and we all sat under a tree in the compound. We were soon made to understand that the man who came in with Odunmorayo was the S.O (station officer).
She told her side of the story, twisting it completely. The S.O kept taking random calls with friends in between my turn to speak. When I was done, he simply told Nosa to take us to write statements. Then he left the station.
Odunmorayo wrote hers first, and they didn’t read it. But when I wrote mine, Kenny read it out and went through my phone to look at the tweets. They also told me to write in the statement that I posted her personal number, but I refused because the number was introduced to me as a business line. He said I didn’t have a case, so I mentioned I had recordings on my husband’s phone to prove she had been threatening me via calls and messages. The phone’s battery was dead at the time, so Kenny took the phone to charge, but when he returned it, he didn’t bother to check the recordings.
Instead, he asked Odunmorayo to show him the threats she had been receiving on her phone. He supposedly checked it but never showed me anything. I never sent any threat.
At that point, I noticed Odunmorayo call her parents to call the DPO (Divisional Police Officer). In a matter of minutes, the DPO called the police officers and asked them to charge me with cyberstalking, cyberbullying and intent to cause problems. I was detained immediately.
The DPO wasn’t even there, he hadn’t examined the statements, my recordings or done any investigations. Odunmorayo was right there when they announced that I’d be detained. My lawyer tried to disagree, but they threatened to send him out. My earrings, slippers and other personal effects were removed. I even told them I was on my period, but I got no audience. Odunmorayo left soon after.
The lawyer and my husband tried to seek bail, but they claimed the DPO wasn’t around. The officers refused to drop the DPO’s number, and it also wasn’t written down anywhere in the station.
We eventually got the number via X, but the DPO didn’t pick up. We had to wait till around 10 p.m. when the DPO finally showed up. Apparently, the S.O was the DPO.
I was taken into his office, and he said in Yoruba, “You these influencers think you can get away with everybody.” At that point, I hadn’t changed my tampon or eaten anything. I was tired. I asked if I could sit on one of the chairs in his office as I was on my period, and he said, “Does this place look like a period place?”
Nosa and Kenny were there too, so I tried to explain to the DPO that my evidence wasn’t examined and I wasn’t given a fair hearing. Those officers lied through their noses and said they checked everything.
I was taken back to detention while my husband continued seeking bail. He wasn’t allowed to stand in as surety because they said they wanted someone from Bariga, so we had to call a friend. My husband tried to see the DPO again to address the situation, but he was told he wasn’t available, even though he could see him watching TV through the window at the back.
Around 11 p.m., the DPO walked out and drove off even though they knew someone was coming to process the bail. The friend came and placed a call to the DPO. The DPO directed him to Nosa (who was the Investigating Police Officer – IPO) to help, but Nosa said, “Why are you coming at this time? Who will process bail at this time?” We tried to call the DPO again several times, but he didn’t pick up.
We were delayed till around 9 a.m. on Thursday before the bail was processed, and I was released. We were told to return on Monday, October 30, at 10 a.m.
What next?
“We aren’t sure what the next step is now, but we’ll continue to do everything legally,” Akinmola says.
Odunmorayo released a statement on Instagram on Thursday, October 26, insisting that her personal number was posted and the police report was due to being “deeply troubled by the harassment and threats”. She also stated that by the time she left the station, Akinmola wasn’t detained.
This is a developing story.
We’re celebrating the Nigerian culture of meat and barbecue with Burning Ram on November 11. Get tickets here.
It’s just two weeks to Burning Ram, Nigeria’s biggest meat festival, but you haven’t gotten a ticket yet. Early bird tickets are ending soon, and prices increase from November 1. You probably like taking risks, but you shouldn’t leave this one to chance o.
You’re at risk of missing out on the experience of a lifetime. You won’t just have the opportunity to taste different meat for free; you’ll also get a chill space to hang out with friends, meet food enthusiasts from across Nigeria and experience exciting performances.
If you still have questions about Burning Ram, these answers will help:
What do I get by purchasing a ticket?
Your ticket grants you entry to the festival, where you will experience a variety of activities such as suya-making tutorials, grilling masterclasses, meat-tasting sessions, eating contests and meat-inspired arts and crafts.
Am I eating for free?
Your ticket grants you access to samples during meat-tasting sessions, competitions and workshops. However, full meals from vendors, exclusive dishes or drinks are not covered by the entry fee.
What if I don’t eat meat?
We got you. We’re working on getting some vendors who will offer vegetarian and vegan food options, so look out for those.
I’m not a trust fund baby, but I can relate a little too much to some of the “rich man pikin” jokes flying around on Elon Musk’s X. At some point in my early life, I thought local African sponge was a bird nest that fell off a tree.
Anyway, I’ve compiled 20 of the funniest ones, and if you also find yourself nodding in agreement a little too much, there may be hope that you’re not a full-blooded trenches-ist.
Let’s go.
You mean this isn’t a bunch of final year students preparing for exams?
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
One of the worst things you can experience as a Nigerian is trying to access the funds of a relative who died without a legal will.
I speak from experience.
My aunt passed away in 2020, and we’re still struggling to access her pension. It’s one reason I now advise anyone going for even the smallest medical procedure to get a probate-stamped document from a high court so someone else can access your money, at the very least.
But back to our struggle.
My aunt first became ill in 2017. She’d had a medical procedure which led to complications, leaving her bedridden and unable to feed without a stomach tube. She basically lived in the hospital for the three years that she was ill. And the bills? They ran into ₦1.2m weekly.
The illness took her job at a government parastatal, where she’d worked for 16 years. The government didn’t pay her hospital bills, and they made her resign after the first year. When the parastatal’s medical team visited and saw her condition, they decided they couldn’t keep paying someone who couldn’t work. The salary in question was just a little over ₦100k/month.
At my aunt’s place of work, you don’t just resign and go home. You have to submit clearance documents at several offices to update your employment status. I helped her husband with this clearance process — which took months. I thought that was stressful, until the real stress came.
When she passed away in 2020, we assumed accessing her pension of almost ₦6m would be straightforward. She and her husband kept no secrets; that’s how we knew about the pension in the first place. He also knew her passwords, and they even had joint properties. But there was no will, and that was the problem. Although he was the next of kin, he couldn’t access the funds unless a court gave him a document called a Letter of Administration. That was the first hurdle.
Getting a Letter of Administration in Nigeria can take as much as five years. You’ll need to hire a lawyer, pay them 10% of whatever property you want to claim, and then try to survive the many court delays.
You’ll also need two administrators for court approval: a spouse and another family member.
So, I stood in with her husband, as they didn’t have children. Fortunately, we had a well-known lawyer who fast-tracked the process, and we got the Letter of Administration after one year.
The next step was getting cleared to receive pension benefits from the government parastatal where my aunt worked. We had to provide pay slips, show evidence that she didn’t owe anything and meet several other requirements. At one point, we heard that the place where they kept some documents we needed for clearance got burnt. Again, we had people on the inside who helped fast-track the process, but even with that, it took another year to complete the clearance.
The bank runs came next.
The deceased’s account had to be changed to an estate account, so the administrators (her husband and I) would be signatories and be able to access the funds in it. This was the account where the pension fund would go. It took another couple of weeks to update the account.
With that done, we could now move to the pension fund administrator (PFA). But there was one thing standing in our way: The Nigerian government.
For individuals who work with private organisations, pension payment is straightforward. Your employer deducts the monthly pension from your salary and remits it to the PFA. For government workers, however, the pension is deducted from the salary but isn’t remitted to the PFA for years. So, you could have a pension account with a PFA, but there wouldn’t be money inside.
That was what happened to my aunty. When we arrived at the PFA in March 2023, they told us that PENCOM, the regulatory body for pensions in Nigeria, hadn’t remitted any pension fund to her account for the entire number of years she’d worked. The money was essentially in the air.
The only thing the PFA could do was write PENCOM, requesting the funds so they could pay us. They also told us that the payment could take as much as three years to come in. Apparently, PENCOM gives preference to retirees over the family of deceased pensioners.
At this point, we can only keep disturbing the PFA to send reminders to PENCOM. We’ve spent so much money and time on this in the last three years, and it looks like we have one or two more years to go. I’m tired and have accepted the possibility that it might even take longer.
I’ll say it again: Please go to any high court and get a probate-stamped document, indicating who you want your money to go to if something happens to you. The last I checked, it cost about ₦10k. Save your family the stress.
We’re celebrating the Nigerian culture of meat and barbecue with Burning Ram on November 11. Get tickets here.
A few days ago, I saw this heartwarming post on X where media girl, Gbemi O, reminisced about a 2007-2008 paid gig where a dad asked her to record his daughter’s school notes into audio books.
The post sent me down memory lane, and I thought about all the times I saw my mum go above and beyond to see me thrive and make life a little more enjoyable. But I didn’t stop at relishing my own memories, I also spoke with people who had warm stories to share about their Nigerian parents.
Nkechi, Early 30s
I just had a baby, and I’ve been experiencing baby blues/postpartum depression.
I’ve also been dealing with constipation and having issues doing number 2. I always feel the poo at the tip but pushing it out is extremely painful.
My mum showed up out of the blue one day to check on me and that was the relief I didn’t know I needed. I slept throughout the night she arrived as she used formula for my baby. Now to the pooing part, my mum noticed how I struggled to use the toilet, so she did the unexpected. She put her fingers between that space between the anus and vaginal opening, and pressed it. The idea is for the strong poo to compress so it comes out softer and easier. It was a painful experience but it worked and the poo came out in one loud thud.
I don’t know how she knew I was in a dark place but her presence helped me a lot.
Idris, 42
As a married man with three kids, people are surprised whenever I tell them I still receive a monthly allowance from my dad. To be honest, it’s not a lot of money, but I appreciate the thought behind it. I’m blessed with a kind dad, and it inspires me to be a better dad for my kids.
My four siblings and I make occasional jokes on the family group chat about receiving credit alerts from daddy. Once, we tried to talk him out of it. We argued that we’re all doing fine and he could instead use the money to enjoy himself, but daddy wasn’t having it. I think it gives him joy and we’ve all come to love him even more. It’s unspoken, but my siblings and I know daddy will always be that safety net we can run to.
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Yejide, Early 30s
When my dad started his church in Akute, Ogun state in 2002, we had to join him. As a pastor’s child, people often criticise everything you do. They expect perfection from you because “na your papa dey close to God pass.”
Our landlady — an elderly woman who attended one of the popular orthodox churches — was always criticising us whenever she saw me and my sisters in trousers. One day, she reported us to my dad, thinking he would ban us from wearing trousers. But my dad told her he wasn’t against women wearing trousers, and wouldn’t stop us from doing so. That was how the woman collected ela o!
This singular act proved to me that I didn’t have to hide from my parents. While I saw other pastors’ kids wear outfits they couldn’t wear at home in school, I was free to dress how I want, albeit, modestly.
Amina, 28
I lost my mum a few months before I got pregnant. It was a very depressing period —we had a close relationship and we joked a lot about how she’d spoil me silly when I welcomed my first child. I was sad and depressed for most of my pregnancy because I’d have to deal with my mother-in-law coming to help with the baby.
A day after my baby’s naming ceremony, my stepmother showed up at the house with her bags. She said she knew I needed the help even if I’d not asked. It was a shocking and pleasant surprise. I always had a decent relationship with her but didn’t think it was that strong to invite her to help with my baby. She stayed for two months, and it changed the course of our relationship. My son is three now, and he calls her granny anytime she shows up.
Jibola, 38
Growing up, I was a sick child. It was always one hospital trip to another. I watched my parents shape their lives around my needs. I couldn’t be left alone on weekends and they had to attend every hospital appointment even if it was on a Monday morning when they should both be on their way to work. It was hard watching them stretch for me, and I almost hated myself for it.
Thankfully, things got better as I got older and I was happy to see them go about their lives without living in constant worry of my health.
Sadly, the sickness struck again when I was in senior secondary school. It felt like it came back with a vengeance for all the years that it let me be. Unfortunately, my mum had been transferred to Abuja. My dad and siblings tried, but with my mum away in Abuja, I didn’t feel like I had all the care I needed. I also didn’t want to be a big baby and request her presence so I just carried on. She came home a few weeks after I fell sick and even though I didn’t say it, she could see how much I needed her. For six months, my mum traveled down to Lagos every weekend just to be with me. If it took a toll on her, she never complained or showed.
Rasheedat, 50
My dad was a disciplinarian, but I guess it’s true what they say about old age softening people up. Since he retired, he’s been coming down from Abeokuta to Lagos every month to visit his three children every month. So a weekend is dedicated to each sibling. And he comes bearing gifts (mostly farm produce) every time.
Initially, it felt like it was too much because the visits were awkward. We hardly talked — He was either watching the TV, reading a newspaper or making small talk and he’d be ready to leave.
These days, I don’t even stress about buying things like palm oil, garri or elubo because I know daddy is coming at the end of the month. This has gone on for about three years now, and I think it has made me appreciate him more. He’s 78 years old, and sometimes, I worry about the stress he deals with driving from Abeokuta to Lagos every weekend, but I think it’s a discomfort he takes delight in.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
Nigerian pidgin proverbs are unhinged for real, but I have to admit that I’ve latched on to a few on the days I needed some self-induced motivation.
You can’t hear “Eye wey dey cry dey see road” and won’t be tempted to sneak in a laugh in the middle of hot shege.
Anyway, I’ve taken the trouble (or delight to be honest) to compile a comprehensive list of pidgin proverbs and what they mean.
Funny Nigerian Pidgin Proverbs
These pidginNigerian proverbs will crack you up and teach you one or two important lessons. Talk about being multifaceted.
Custard na pap wey jand:
Looks can be deceiving. Stay sharp.
Man wey naked no dey put hand for pocket:
Stop capping. Be honest about your true situation.
Who dey purge no dey select toilet:
Basically, beggars can’t be choosers.
Cunny man die, cunny man bury am:
Takes a thief to catch another.
E don tey wey yansh dey for back:
There’s nothing new under the sun.
Better soup, na money kill arm:
The good things in life don’t come cheap.
Rice wey dey bottom pot today go dey on top cooler tomorrow:
No condition is permanent.
Lion no dey born goat:
Like father, like son.
One day breeze go blow, fowl yansh go open:
Nothing stays hidden forever.
Pikin wey say mama no go sleep, him eye no go touch sleep:
If you cause problems, you’ll see problems.
Leave mata for Mathias and Sabi for Sabinus:
Mind your business and let sleeping dogs lie.
Ikebe no dey heavy the owner:
You can’t run away from your problems.
Na see finish make “good morning” turn “how far”:
Set boundaries.
One day bush meat go catch the hunter:
Everyday for the thief, one day for the owner
Who borrow cloth nor dey too dance for party:
Tread carefully.
Lean on me, no be press me die:
Don’t overstretch your helpers.
Woman wey never see problem na him dey hold breast run:
When you face problems, every other thing won’t matter.
Woman wey dey find bele no dey wear pant sleep:
No dey disguise, be honest with your problems.
Na from clap dance dey start:
A little drop forms an ocean. Start somewhere
To piss no hard but fowl no fit:
Run am if e easy.
No matter how your anger hot reach, e nor fit boil beans:
Baby, calm down.
Person wey tey for party go follow dem wash plate:
Always know when to leave.
Cassava today fit be Garri tomorrow:
No condition is permanent; keep hope alive.
You no need cutlery to chop slap:
If you fuck around, you’ll find out.
Na condition make crayfish bend:
Sapa will humble you.
Nearly no dey kill bird:
If e didn’t dey, e didn’t dey.
Cow wey dey in a hurry to go America go come back as corn beef:
Don’t rush, calm down.
Every mallam with him own kettle:
All man for himself.
Because Lizard dey nod no mean say everything dey okay:
Looks can be deceiving.
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Motivational pidgin proverbs
If you’re in the mood for some aspire-to-perspire lessons, these pidgin proverbs pack a punch.
Today’s newspaper na tomorrow’s suya paper:
Nothing lasts forever.
I get am before no be property:
Hustle. Move past old glory.
Chicken wey run way from Borno go Ibadan go still end up inside pot of soup:
You can’t run away from your destiny.
Lizard wey fall from tall iroko tree, if nobody hail am!! é go hail himself:
Believe in yourself. Hype yourself TF up!
Na for afternoon dem dey find black goat:
Make hay while the sun shines.
Fowl wey dem carry for head no dey know say to waka na work:
A dependent person doesn’t know the value of what they’re enjoying.
Akara and moin moin get the same parent na wetin dey pass tru make dem different:
How you start doesn’t matter, what does is how you finish.
No matter how dark room wan be, man go still locate woman breast:
There is always a way where there’s will.
Person wey chop belle full, no know wetin hungry man dey see:
Privilege blinds you to the pain of others.
Yansh no get teeth but e dey cut shit:
Small things can do big things.
My thing and our thing no be the same oh:
Hustle o.
Better name better pass gold and silver:
Protect your integrity.
Na small world no mean say you fit trek from Naija go London:
It’s not easy because it appears easy.
Student wey read na him serious, but na who pass sabi book:
The end justifies the means.
Rolling stone, na person push am:
There is always a reason for something.
Pikin wey use agbada take stat guy go talk wetin e go wear wen e old:
Slow and steady wins the race.
Fly wey no get special adviser na im dey folow dead bodi enta grave:
Don’t be ignorant; stay woke.
If life dey show you pepper, my guy make pepper soup:
Make something good out of a bad experience
Water wey dem use take make eba no fit come back:
Don’t cry over spilt milk.
No matter how lizard dey do press up e no go get chest like alligator:
Be proud of who you are.
Wetin old woman siddon for ground see, pikin wey stand on top tree no fit see am:
Wisdom comes with old age.
Bring suya, bring suya….na cow body dey suffer am:
Actions have consequences.
Self-explanatory pidgin proverbs
Egg roll wey no get egg na puff puff
Show evidence. Always.
No be everything wey touch your hand you go put for mouth.
Everything that glitters isn’t gold.
Pikin no sabi fire unless he touch am:
Experience is the best teacher.
Poor man no dey siddon for front bench for village meeting:
With wealth comes confidence.
Na same water wey make egg hard dey make potato soft:
Life comes at everyone in a different way.
Table no dey turn, na who get sense dey change chair:
Take charge of your destiny.
If trust dey, water for no boil fish:
Trust no one.
Na strong head make February no complete:
Try dey hear word.
Water and ogogoro na the same colour, no mean say na the same:
Things don’t always seem as they appear.
Na wetin happen before, make strong man quiet:
Experience is the best teacher.
Person no dey learn to use left hand for old age:
Old dogs can’t learn new tricks.
Who dey argue na him dey tey for knee down:
Be quick to apologise when guilty.
I hear no mean say I gree:
Consent is consent.
Head wey no wan think, go carry load:
Respect who get, but fear who never collect:
Be slow to dismiss people.
Pikin wey like party rice no suppose fear to dance:
If you want it, work for it.
Even dirty water dey quench fire:
Be slow to underestimate.
Dem no dey slim fit borrowed clothes:
Don’t overstretch your helper.
Epp me watch my pikin no mean kill am for me:
Critise but be kind with your words.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.