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We’ve already established that Nigerians love proverbs because of how they add flavour to their conversations, but did you know it’s not just a Nigerian thing? This love is also common in other African countries?
If you’ve taken notes on Igbo, Hausa and Yoruba proverbs, it’s time to take out your notepad again and get busy. This time, we virtually traversed Ghana, Kenya, Burundi and more for some African proverbs and their meanings.
Klemeðoa (Kelemeðoa) metsia ñuifi o
Translation: The person who has gone into a patch of giant grass does not complain of skin irritation.
Meaning: This Ewe proverb from Togo means you should be ready to face inconveniences while trying to achieve success in life.
Umanika agatu wicaye mu kukamanura ugahaguruka
Translation: You can hang an item from where you are seated, but when you want to get it down, you have to stand up.
Meaning: This proverb from Burundi means it’s easier to start something than to complete it.
Alagaa gaafa kolfaa fira ofi gaafa rakko
Translation: The stranger is good for laughing; the relative for trouble.
Meaning: This Ethiopian proverb stresses the importance of cherishing your family members because they’re your first option when you’re in trouble.
Mpa-tsehla ha e bolaee
Translation: A full belly doesn’t kill.
Meaning: This South African proverb means it’s important to feed yourself before worrying about other things.
Ono agoorwa nkwibakaare
Translation: The one who is praised comes forth to chant.
Meaning: This Tanzanian proverb means acknowledging success is a great way to get people to do more.
E don tey wey yansh dey for back
Translation: Buttocks have occupied the backspace for a long time.
Meaning: It’s a Nigerian pidgin proverb that means there’s nothing new under the sun.
Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu
Translation: A person is a person through other persons.
Meaning: This Zulu proverb from South Africa preaches that no man is an island. We’re all connected and will always need each other.
Urya incuti ukinovora intuntu
Translation: When you eat your relatives, you lick agony.
Meaning: Another Burundi proverb that stresses the importance of putting family first and treating them right.
A Hura ja Mmotlana, boroko
Translation: Sleep is the poor man’s luxury.
Meaning: This proverb from Botswana preaches the importance of hardwork. You can’t sleep too much if you plan to be rich.
Ðevi ka akple gã mekaa nya gã o
Translation: A child can swallow a big morsel of food but can’t swallow big matters.
Meaning: This is an Ewe proverb from Ghana. It means young people can never have the life experiences of older folks.
Owuo atwedee ne nsa
Translation: Death has a long hand.
Meaning: This is a Twi proverb from Ghana that means fate can’t be avoided, and everyone will eventually die.
Maitiro enyu anotora nhaka yenyu
Translation: Your deeds determine your heritage.
Meaning: This Zimbabwean proverb means your actions go a long way in shaping your reputation.
Ukufa kukhala bophela
Translation: Death is the last kick of the dying horse.
Meaning: It’s a Xhosa proverb from South Africa that means things get tough when you’re about to have a big win.
It might’ve rained a bit, but there’s still no light. If we’re being honest, the rain hasn’t done much to cancel our suspicion that someone is dragging this nation to hell or to replace Mercury in proximity to the sun.
In summary, it’s hot AF, but these essentials will keep you from melting.
A good rechargeable fan
The emphasis here is on “good”. What’s the point of a rechargeable fan that needs to be plugged to a power bank before it gives two hours of cool breeze? It either comes correct or not at all, please.
Nivea Deo Dry
See, this heat will make you sweat, and wearing the lightest of clothes won’t prevent that. But you don’t need to look or smell like your problem — sweat stains are so 1999. Stock up on Nivea Dry Range deodorants to stay fresh for longer.
Money
I refuse to believe the same heat flogging us mere mortals is the same heat dealing with the people in Banana Island. Okay, wait. Banana-Island-money is a stretch. Let’s focus on getting money to buy air conditioners or even something at the mall so you can enjoy mall AC small.
The prayers of your ancestors
We might think it’s a joke, but someone out there might be actually dragging this nation to the flames of hell. Start praying to your ancestors so their plan won’t work. Add some bonus prayers to touch NEPA’s heart so they do the needful too. We can’t be battling heat and no light at the same time.
Running water
Because bathing twice a day was for Harmattan. Now, you have to consider three times and above.
Pro tip: Using the Nivea Dry Range deodorants will keep you feeling dry and fresh for longer, so you won’t have to spend all your time in the bathroom.
A rich partner
Specifically, a partner who has a car with a working AC. Trust me, you DO NOT want to drag danfo buses in these perilous times. Or, even worse, having to sit beside sweaty people who haven’t discovered Nivea Dry Deo.
A freezer
In the hot season, your freezer isn’t just for freezing food items, it can also serve as a makeshift bed when the heat wants to take your life. Are we asking you to sleep in a functioning freezer? Nah. Where’s the light for that? But at least, the freezer lid will still be slightly cool without electricity. So, sleep away.
PS: If you don’t get any other thing on this list, you see that Nivea Dry Range deodorant? It shouldn’t be missing from your essentials. You’ll thank us later.
Is sapa keeping you confined to the house against your will? Do you want to have the best time with your friends without spending a dime? We know a couple of fun games to play over the phone with a friend that’ll send boredom to the ditch from whence it came.
Texting games
These are games you can play over the phone with a friend on apps like Whatsapp, Instagram, X or iMessage. For these games, you only need a willing partner and decent data connection.
Truth or Dare
Photo source: GooglePlay
It’s a WhatsApp game like texting, only that it has an interesting catch to it. Choose truth and you and your friend can take turns asking questions. When you choose to dare, you challenge each other to do something mischievous.
Emoji translation
Photo source: Pinterest
There’s no better way to test your knowledge of emojis. The rules are simple: Send an emoji or a string of them, and your friend has to try to interpret your hidden message.
Never Have I Ever
Photo source: Parade
Like Truth or Dare, this game is a great option for bonding over the phone as it helps you to learn new things about yourselves. Take turns asking each other about the deeds you’ve never done. If you’re guilty of the deed, you take a drink.
Trivia
Photo source: SnackNation
Pick a category both of you are familiar with. It could be afrobeats, Nollywood, Nigerian current affairs, fashion or anything else. Then, ask random questions from the chosen category. Each correct answer attracts a point.
Word unscramble
Photo: GooglePlay
This is one of the easiest games to play over the phone with a friend who gives strong spelling bee/scrabble energy. Pick a word, and y’all can take turns forming as many words as possible using only letters from the word.
Name That Tune
Photo Source: Tech Edvocate
If you and your friend are music heads, this game should be on your radar. Text some lyrics to your friend and whoever names the song first wins the round.
Mobile app games you can play with friends on your phone
If you need something a little more exciting than text-based games, mobile app games will come through for you. There are several multiplayer games on the Google and Apple app stores on your device.
iMessage games
This is strictly for Apple users. The iMessage feature on iPhone devices comes with several multiplayer games like pictoword, word streak with friends, X and Os, etc.
Candy Crush
Photo source: GooglePlay
You simply need to invite your friend to join the game, and y’all can crush as many candies as you like until you tire out, or run out of battery.
Ludo
Photo source: Ludo Online
If your friend was around, y’all would have pulled out a ludo board and the beat time. But who says you can’t go at it virtually? There’s a digital version that lets you play against each other or team up against another player.
Call of Duty
Photo source: AFK Gaming
You’ll love this if you’re into action games. You can shootout against each other or as a team.
8 ball pool
Photo source: Google Play
Since any physical hangout costs an arm and a leg these days, playing pool with friends at a lounge may no longer be wise. But this mobile version will more than suffice. The multiplayer game allows you to go head to head with your friend.
Asphalt 8: Airborne
Photo source: GSMArena
If you and your friends love arcade racing, you should have this on your list of multiplayer mobile games. You get to pick fancy cars and race against each other all night long.
Before you get into that relationship, confirm if they have an olubawi who can caution them when they’re moving mad or handle the checks and balances in their life like the judiciary. Here’s how to know for sure and avoid crying later.
They’re always looking for clout to chase
Launching gender wars, moving like incels and capitalising on pain and trauma for social engagement is a clear sign your partner is in this life to make trouble. The chance that a clout chaser will take caution is slimmer than Timini’s moustache.
They’re Tinubu
If your partner is Tinubu or moves like him, then their case is even worse than not having an olubawi. They don’t have their ears to the ground because they’re surrounded by yes-men.
Or they support the Agbado mandate
No disrespect to your bae’s politics, but if they laud the hard-life policies of this government, they’ve not had anyone to tell them their head is not correct.
For Food Only
If your partner has five proteins on one plate in this Tinubu era, it means they’re robbing to maintain a banquet lifestyle, or they have no one to advise them.
The night is always young
They only come alive in the nighttime like a white owl. If they’re not a security guard or nightclub owner, what are they looking for outside when they could be burning airtime to convince you to let them in your life?
They simply hate advice
Whatever anyone tells them enters one ear and evaporates through the other one. With this attitude, there’s no way they can have an olubawi. The only voice they listen to is the one in their head.
Or their “olubawi” is crazier than them
Maybe they have an olubawi but their olubawi doesn’t call their misbehaviours to order because they’re the deluxe version of them. Fruits don’t fall far from the tree, dear.
There are many reasons to have constant headaches in Nigeria right now. But do you know a group of people who have it easy? Those with super reliable USD cards that come through any time for international payments.
Let’s get into the things they enjoy and why you should be like them.
International shopping
There’s nothing as therapeutic as clearing your cart on Shein, Ali Express, Amazon, Asos, and other stores and taking delivery of all your fire fits. Of course, this dream can only turn into reality when you have a reliable USD card that won’t embarrass you.
Money from the abroad
Imagine your friends abroad wanting to send you small hard currency for these tough times, or you need to get paid for your freelance work, and you have to run helter-skelter for someone’s account. God, abeg.
Can never be anyone with a USD Chipper card. Input your card details on platforms that accept Visa direct and you’ll get that sweet dollars.
Seamless tuition and online course payments
At some point, it gets embarrassing to disturb friends and neighbours anytime you have to pay for an online course or tuition fees. But surely, this doesn’t apply to someone who has a USD card that makes it seamless to pay on platforms like Udemy, Coursera and many more.
Ease of running business
Nigerian business owners and complaints are like 5&6, but one group of people you’ll hardly catch in this mix? The ones who can easily pay for social media ads and drive more awareness for their business. Let us tell you now, their not-so-secret joy-giver is a USD card.
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Seamless subscription
People with USD cards might have their kettle of problems in Nigeria right now, but they don’t have to worry about paying for subscription services that help them escape from the shege. With a Chipper USD card, you don’t have to blink twice before your Apple Music, Canva, etc bills are sorted.
Travelling
The planning and logistics that go into travelling is stressful enough. So, the last thing anyone should struggle with is payment for plane tickets, hotel accommodations, visa fees, cab rides, etc. We’ll tell you one thing, Nigerians with USD cards can’t relate to these struggles even if they try.
USD Chipper Card
In case you’ve not gotten what the gist is about, let’s use this moment to tell you that the people who enjoy these super cool things are USD Chipper Card users.
With your USD Chipper card, you get a fast and reliable means to make international payments without breaking a sweat.
So, will you join the over one million Nigerians who’ve gotten the 411 or do you need more convincing to enjoy your life?
I’ve pictured a thousand and one ways I’d have scolded my parents if I caught them embarrassing me on social media. And let me tell you something, I’ve failed a thousand and one times.
You may be tempted to believe that I’m not the right person to dish out tips on dealing with your parents, but please, perish that thought. You know how older folks say it’s easier to discipline a stranger’s child than it is your own? Exactly. The same principle applies here.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let us explore the different ways to send your parents into shocked mute if they misbehave on Obasanjo’s internet.
Deactivate your social media
This is the first step in making sure you don’t die of embarrassment. And you must do this ASAP. This way, no one will be able to trace them to you when they ask “Whose mother or father is this?”
Activate your burner
You have only one job when you do this. Troll their ungodly video entry for whatever challenge they’re participating in. When they come running to you, give them the most parent friendly advice ever: “Mummy, daddy, delete the video.”
Tell them to “stood down”
Your parent’s willingness to join a social media challenge might be their undoing. Just tell them that this punishment that showed you shege as a kid is the new way to keep fit and exercise. They’ll hit the ground quicker than they can press “post” on Instagram. Take this as your way of disciplining them. But please, temper justice with mercy.
Report them to their Olubawi
Especially if it’s a social media challenge with extreme sexual undertones. You’ll have to call big daddy, big mummy, Iya agba, Baba agba or whoever they hold in high regard to keep their relatives in check.
Or just call a family meeting
When everyone has gathered, play the embarrassing video on the big screen. Your parents will see for themselves why it’s not a good idea to document their peak foolery for the internet to see.
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Clean up their socials
How will they see a challenge to participate in it if you’ve curated their page to only show Godly content? Block every known celebrity and gossip pages on their social media, including the ones they haven’t followed yet. This way, you can rest assured knowing they only see things that please God. Repeat this clean up monthly.
Have a heart to heart conversation
How the roles have changed, right? Anyway, use the opportunity to educate them about the dangers of oversharing on social media. Tell them sharing embarrassing content like that is like setting a table in front of their enemies.
Join them
If you notice the challenge is just a way for them to do something fun and stay happy, join them. Good thing is, you get to control what they put out and suggest social media challenges that glorify the name of the Lord.
I was curious about people who live beside cemeteries and wanted to know about their experiences when I found Ibrahim*.
In this story, Ibrahim talks about his family’s cemetery residence with its supposedly good-luck charm, the ghost rumours and the friendship heartbreaks that came with it.
As told to Adeyinka
Until I turned 12, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to my environment. I knew we lived on Lagos mainland and had lots of trees in the area. Occasionally, an influx of people showed up on random days, and they always seemed so sad. Some of them even cried. One day, I asked my mum about these strangers and why they always gathered in the compound next to us.
My mum told me, “That’s where they bury people who have gone to heaven.” I’m not sure if I understood this, but I didn’t press further.
Then, I got into secondary school and got a true picture of how weird our accommodation was. My friends would hesitate when I invited them to visit, then come up with all sorts of excuses. I was sad when this happened because I visited them without fail.
When I was in JSS 3, another major event put things into perspective for me. It was a few weeks before the Junior WAEC exams and two of my friends and I had a lesson teacher who taught us at our homes. But the workload was too much for him, so he asked our parents if they could agree to have him teach all of us at once at one person’s house.
Our parents agreed until the question of the lesson location came up and the teacher suggested my house. To be fair, we were the only ones with a spacious backyard that could be used as a makeshift classroom.
The other parents didn’t like the idea. They didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of their kids being that close to a cemetery. The lesson was also from 4:30 to 6:30 p.m., so that timing freaked them out.
That was the first time I felt ashamed of where I lived. But this shame didn’t translate into us moving out, and I get why. The building was a family house and our rent was subsidised. It was also a pretty comfortable house. Also, my dad strongly believed the house brought us good luck and aligned with our stars. I don’t remember us having any major difficulties or setbacks in the house.
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Here’s the thing: In the 20+ years we lived there, I never had any encounters with ghosts or any of these bogus rumours about cemeteries you see in Nollywood movies. Yes, there were times we woke up in the morning and found calabashes with sacrifices at the junction, but I think this was common with places that had T-junctions. Maybe the cemetery in the area contributed to this, I honestly don’t know.
Some neighbours and older folks claimed they heard or saw things — from strange footsteps to shadows in the midnight. But neither I nor my family members did, so we treated them as what they were… rumours.
The last one I heard about before relocating was someone who said he was washing his car late at night and whistling. He heard a voice asking him to stop the noise. He didn’t answer and continued, then a ghost slapped him.
I’ll say the only thing that scared me, even till my adult years, was walking past the cemetery late at night or early in the morning. There’s an eerie calm and coldness that hangs in the air during these times. I can’t explain it, but it’s always there.
In 2022, I moved to Osogbo for NYSC and decided to stay back after my service year ended. My parents also moved out in late 2022 into a house they built.
It’s still our family house, but we’re considering renting it out. Let me say it’s not easy getting people to rent a house beside a cemetery.
Within a few weeks, the price of [redacted] noodles has doubled by over 100% in the Nigerian market. Like everyone else, Zikoko wanted to get to the root of the sudden price increase, so we invited Noodles for an interview.
[Noodles walks into the Zikoko office, looking slightly annoyed.]
Zikoko: Ah, welcome. You look good. It’s so wonderful to have you here.
[Redacted] Noodles: Please, let’s cut to the chase. I’m a very busy person these days. I only honoured your invitation so it won’t be like I’m now proud because my level has changed. Maybe you can even benefit small from my good fortune. You’ve been complaining about inflation too much. How do they say it sef? We rise by lifting others, abi?
Zikoko:
[Noodles’ phone rings.]
[Redacted] Noodles: Hello? I’ve told you; if they can’t pay ₦30k for that carton, bring it back. Their eyes will clear when the price increases to ₦50k next tomorrow. Rubbish.
Noodles hangs up the call.
[Redacted] Noodles: Ehen, you were saying?
Zikoko: I can see you’re very busy, so I’ll just ask the question on everybody’s mind. Why are you so expensive these days? You used to roll with Garri, but no one can look at your face again. What happened?
[Redacted] Noodles: Thank you very much for that question. Now, let me ask you. Don’t you like progress?
Zikoko: I don’t get.
[Redacted] Noodles: See, the thing is all of you don’t know how to value people. When I was down to the level of the common man, you people took every opportunity to insult me.
Zikoko: Insult as how? We never did that.
[Redacted] Noodles: So I’m lying? Were you not there when some people tried to give me a name that my manufacturers didn’t give me? Accusing me of causing cancer? All because I was cheap and the only thing you people could afford to eat three times a day?
Zikoko: Ahan. Are you broke-shaming us now?
[Redacted] Noodles: Don’t interrupt me, please. Or were you not there when one SAN called me “ordinary [redacted]” because some people in the government were hoarding me during the pandemic? Me, ordinary?
Zikoko: But there was context…
[Redacted] Noodles: Carry your context and throw it inside the pit your economy is in. As for me, it is my time to enjoy the recognition I deserve. I mean, why did everyone think it was okay to associate me with sapa and struggle? I’m now a meal for ballers, and you need to start putting respect on my name. At this point, I can even start competing with that fraud called Creamy Pasta.
Zikoko: From where to where? Calm down. Pride goes before a fall o.
[Redacted] Noodles: It’s you that will fall down. Did you call me here to insult me? What does Creamy Pasta have that I don’t have? Don’t worry, it will happen in front of your eyes. Lagos restaurants will soon start adding me to their menus and charging you ₦40k for a taste. I can’t wait. I’ve left the trenches and don’t intend to return there.
Zikoko: Is that why you’re increasing in price every day? Because you don’t want to return to the trenches?
[Redacted] Noodles: Why are you trying to put the blame on me? Is there no inflation in your side? Or you don’t know how much a dollar is? See, I‘m just keeping up with the times and finally charging my worth. Stop being an enemy of progress.
Zikoko: So, there’s no chance that your prices will come down at all?
[Redacted] NoodlesHad it been I know you now, I’d give you a dirty slap. You want me to go back to my days of little beginnings after God has uplifted me? If it’s a joke, stop it.
Zikoko: So you don’t care about the masses?
[Redacted] Noodles: Please, what’s my own with the masses? I’m now for the bourgeoisie, and I like it like that. Maybe you people will think twice before belittling someone again.
[Noodles’ phone rings again]
See, I really need to go. The people who can afford me are looking for me. But can I leave you with some advice?
Zikoko: Yes?
[Redacted] Noodles: See that Garri you mentioned earlier? You better start greeting her “Celeb, celeb” whenever you see her. Trusted sources tell me she’s thinking about changing her price again and charging her worth, too.
Zikoko: Ah. Why na?
[Redacted] Noodles: Be asking me JAMB question when you should be facing your government. I’m out of here, abeg. You people don’t even have light in your office.
If now is the time you want to launch into your baddie era fully, or it’s coming along in your plan, you have to do it properly. Inflation has hit town and being a baddie is more than fine makeup, captivating reels and GRWM videos.
If you use this guide like a bible, you’ll survive this inflation and have long baddie days.
Abundance sustainability mentality
If you invest in this mentality, you can shame inflation. A real baddie knows better to cut her palazzo to her size in this Agbado era. If not, a baddie will crumble in the presence of low balance and inflating prices.
You can fuck around and find out
Get more jobs
Aside the fact that money stops reduces nonsense, you need shit ton of it in the current Nigeria. And a single job hardly feeds anyone these days. The only way to not be a broke baddie in this capitalist world is to diversify like bad girl Riri.
Yesterday’s price isn’t today’s price
The naira value we have today isn’t what we had yesterday. As inflation continues to rise, ensure that your rate card rises with it. If not, you might be shortchanging yourself.
Pretty priviledge
Pretty priviledge works like magic in 2024, in case you haven’t heard, and you better start wagging your wand. Who knows who might dash you free $50k for being a pretty babe?
Keep a lit media
Whether for your eyes only or you decide to bless our timeline, keep every photo you take at Instagram standard. This is how to convince your haters that Tinubu’s Nigeria isn’t touching you.
Avoid bad energy
Don’t allow Nigeria’s inflation wahala and other depressing news suck away your time and emotion. Invest time in productive work and surround yourself with positive people to spark joy. A baddie is a happy soul.
You’re already a baddie
When push comes to shove, always remember that you’re tougher than tough times. That’s the true weapon of a baddie. Inflation can fight, but you’re a warrior.
Birthdays are pretty straightforward for most of us — they come around once a year. But what is it like for leap-year babies born on February 29 whose “birthdays” come around once every four years?
In this story, Opeyemi (28), a leap-year baby, shares how she realised she was different, the external curiosity that comes with being born on a leap year, and why she has two birth dates.
As told to Boluwatife
Image: Opeyemi
I was in JSS 1 when my parents threw me my first-ever birthday party.
The year was 2008, and it was the first time I actually realised my birthday wasn’t like everyone else’s. It was such a huge event that even my mum’s friends came. Later on, I asked my mum why that birthday was different. She said, “Because there’s a February 29 this year.”
I was born on February 29, 1996. In leap year numbers, I’m technically “six” years old now, but don’t you dare tell me I’m six.
I really disliked the age thing growing up. My friends and younger cousins never passed up an opportunity to remind me I was “just two years old.” I remember one time, during an argument with some cousins, I went the “I’m not your age mate” route, and they quickly did the calculation for me in leap years. It was an argument-ending comeback. It was beyond annoying.
But it never made sense to me. My development doesn’t happen once every four years, but most people will never let go of the age thing. I always get questions like: How do you calculate your age? How do you celebrate your birthday? How old are you really… like ideally? — What does “ideally” mean?
Well, I calculate my age every year like a normal person, but I celebrate it on February 28 so I technically still have a birthday every year.
It also means I have two official birthdays. I randomly used both February 28 and 29 interchangeably on forms and online applications for a while because the latter was easier and straight to the point. But when I had BVN issues because of that— the officer had put 29 because my birth certificate said so, but then some of my other documents had a different date — I had to swear a declaration of age in a court affidavit to have February 28 as my official birth date. So, I have a birth certificate and affidavit with different birth dates.
There are perks to being a leap-year baby, though. My parents started this tradition of throwing me big parties every leap year, and I took it to adulthood. As a kid, I always got extra attention and gifts on leap years, and now, I get to celebrate my birthday twice on leap years, too.
The first time I had a leap year birthday in the university was quite funny. It was in 2016, and everyone wished me a happy birthday on the 28th. The following day, some of my friends who knew I was born on the 29th began to wish me a happy birthday, too.
Everyone in the hostel was surprised, and the news about me being born on a leap year spread like wildfire. People kept coming to ask me how it felt to be born on a leap year. I wanted to ask, “How does it feel to be born on your own birthday?”
I get why people find it so interesting, though. I’ve only ever met three other leap-year babies. I met the first one in secondary school. He preferred to associate with March 1 as his birthday rather than claim February. The other two are my twin cousins, but they’re far younger, so we never celebrated our birthdays together.
My leap year birthdays are definitely different. I guess knowing that it only comes every few years makes it extra special. And even though I’m not one to throw parties like my parents, I like to go all out with friends when possible. This year, I plan to take pictures and visit orphanages. It’s like a full-circle birthday for me, too. I was born on a Thursday, and my birthday this year falls on a Thursday.
With all the pros and cons, I love being a leap-year baby. It’s a unique part of me that’s solely mine. I think my mum loves the fact that I’m a leap-year baby even more than me.
She’s always excited to tell everyone who cares to listen all about it. When she found out about the affidavit, she was furious. It took a whole lot of explaining for her to accept I wasn’t changing my birthday; I just wanted to make my life easier.
But if I had the opportunity to choose, I’d still choose February 29. I’ll never have a golden birthday — the one where you get to celebrate turning 29 on the 29th — but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I already know what day my next leap year birthday will fall on, and the one after that. It’s always something to look forward to.
With the way Nigeria is currently set up, you don’t need to stress too much to eat the rich; they’re all around you. The question is, are you paying attention to their odogwu spending ways?
If anyone you know effortlessly ticks one or more off this list, they’re the Eri Mus of these harsh times cosplaying as regular citizens.
They watch television
Do they have time for TV in Tinubu’s Godforsaken economy? That means they’re not as poverty-stricken as your poor self. Hold them.
And have TV subscriptions
So, not only do they spend potentially billable hours watching TV, they also pay hard-earned Nigerian naira to watch Tyler Perry pour watercolour on two adults mid-coitus? It’s giving “My money grows like grass”.
You still hear the sound of their generator
The new class of poor Nigerians removed their hands from anything petrol since Tinubu removed the fuel subsidy. So, if you still hear the sound of their generator, they’re the new class of Billionaire Onye Ji Cash.
They order private cabs
Chale, have you seen the ride estimates on private cabs these days? If your friend shows up anywhere in a rickety 2009 Toyota Camry, they’re rich AF. You better hold their trozzis.
They eat turkey
A kilo of turkey now sells for about ₦6000. For context, here’s a short list of what you can get with that amount right now: Paint bucket of garri (₦2k), half-crate of egg (₦1750), Bag of pure water (₦400), half kilo of shawa fish (₦1500), and you still get ₦350 change.
Do we still need to tell you why they’re rich AF if they eat turkey?
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They still use cooking gas
Anyone who can afford ₦7500 or ₦15k for 6kg/12kg cooking gas right now is well on their way to displacing Dangote on the Forbes list. If this person is someone you know, table your problems in front of them because they fit run am!
They can afford foreign rice
So, it’s not just that they eat the most expensive staple in Nigeria right now, they also choose to buy the foreign variety. Listen, add them to your fine bara list right now.
Like the Yorubas, tribal marks are common among the Hausas from northern Nigeria. Parents or relatives give infants these marks a few days after birth for reasons that vary depending on the family or tribe. The Gobirawa of present-day Sokoto marked their faces for easy identification in times of war.
Although tribal marks have declined in recent times thanks to civilisation and ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo’s Child Acts Law of 2003, it’s not uncommon to still find northerners with facial markings. We compiled some common Hausa tribal marks and what they mean.
Gobirci with temple marks
Photo source: Wikipedia
These marks once distinguished a group of Hausas from Gobir, an old kingdom that’s been split into Sokoto and Zamfara states in present-day Nigeria. Multiple lines lead to the corners of the mouth and more markings on the temple.
Gobirci with single “Tage”
Photo source: Daily Trust
Single peripheral marks on both cheeks. This is a simpler variation of the gobirci tribal marks, common among the younger generation.
Lekanci
Photo source: Wikimedia Commons
The Lekanci marks are common among members of the Lekayewa clan of Argungu, Kebbi state. It’s made up of ten marks on the right cheek and nine on the left.
Susa’na
Photo source: Researchgate
Four vertical lines on both faces, this tribal mark is common to the Kanuri tribe in Borno state. Susa’na identifies normal citizens who don’t belong to a traditional political class.
Mami
Photo source: Researchgate
It’s common among Kanuri people who speak the Mami dialect and claim to be descendants of the Sayfawa dynasty. Seven sets of vertical lines on both cheeks and one on the forehead.
Rijiya
Photo source: Nairaland
This Hausa tribal mark features varying numbers of horizontal marks across both cheeks, depending on family, customs or specific northern regions.
Arauci
Photo source: Daily Trust
Arauci is two marks drawn on both cheeks, from the ears to the corners of the mouth. It’s common to the people of Arawa in Argungu, Kebbi.
Seen our Valentine’s Special yet? We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved over the previous five years. Watch the second episode below:
You might think your love language is gifting the people you love, but what happens when they suddenly japa and you have to show love in other ways? Because while you may want to be intentional, the exchange rate, distance and logistics will collectively ask you:
To make it worse, it’s much easier for abroad people to send money and gifts back once they get there, making the guilt even worse. We spoke with seven Nigerians who have friends and family abroad, and they talked about the struggle to send them gifts on meaningful days.
Dora*, 21
My Canada-based brother regularly sends me money for school fees, and I hate that I can’t send him gifts to show my appreciation. He doesn’t expect anything from me, but I don’t want to be someone who just “takes” all the time.
For his last birthday, I thought of sending him foodstuff from here because he’d complained about how expensive things were in the African market over there. But when I calculated the cost of the items and shipping fee, it was running into ₦200k. I didn’t have that type of money, and I couldn’t bill him and then use the money to gift him. I had to settle with sending him prayers.
Tobore, 30
I love giving thoughtful gifts, and all my friends know. You can innocently tweet about needing something and find the item delivered to you weeks later. It’s why I’m really bummed I can’t do much for my friends who have relocated. Most of them are in the UK.
Between 2022 and 2023, I could still send £20 or £50 gift cards, or pay for birthday cakes. But I have to adjust with the current exchange rate. I mostly fund their naira accounts now, so they have something when they visit. But I feel like I’m not putting as much thought into gifting as I usually do. The exchange rate is killing my creativity.
Lizzy, 25
My best friend moved to the UK two years ago, and we don’t talk as often as we used to — a deliberate decision on my part.
Talking every day meant I kept sharing my many problems, then she’d send me random money. But I can’t send her money like she does. I can’t say I want to send ₦20k because that’s just £10. What will that buy? And it’s shameful to just be collecting.
For two years in a row, I’ve celebrated my US-based bestie’s birthday by gathering all our families and friends for a surprise conference call. I don’t even know if the element of surprise is still there. I occasionally send her $10 through our other US-based friends with naira accounts, but I feel that’s too small for a birthday gift.
I tried to get a proper gift from a US store last year — again through a mutual friend — but I was hearing $300. Omo. Conference call had to come to the rescue. At least, she loves the calls.
Anita*, 24
I feel guilty that I can’t surprise my boyfriend on special occasions. One time, I tried to send him shoes, but he realised I was planning something when I asked for his address. He insisted I send him the money so he could buy it himself and cut out the shipping fee bit.
I make up for being unable to go all out by sending money to his naira account. I can’t wait for him to visit so I can properly spoil him.
Richard*, 28
I haven’t bought my friend a birthday gift in the two years since he relocated because it’s either virtual dollar cards don’t work when it’s time to buy things online, or the exchange rate means I can only buy the barest minimum for him.
Thankfully, he understands and just tells me to send prayers. I add a dash of words of affirmation here and there.
Ola, 24
I’ve resorted to asking my Dubai-based big sister to tell me the things I can do to show my appreciation because I can’t afford to do anything else. She has an online business, and I manage it for free. It works out for both of us.
We interviewed three couples five years after we first spoke with them in 2019. How have their relationships evolved over time? Watch the final episode here:
We brought you Yoruba, Igbo and Hausa proverbs, and now, it’s time to shine the spotlight on another Nigerian language with rich wise sayings that enhance conversation.
This article focuses on Bini, one of the Edoid languages spoken in Southern Nigeria. Whether you’re a child of the soil or a language nerd looking to brush up, here are 15 Bini Nigerian proverbs and their meanings to kickstart your learning journey.
Omo na gba shi ukoko, o vha mi eseke a rhue
Translation: A child on the back doesn’t find a fortune.
Meaning: You have to leave your comfort zone to achieve success.
Erhali o ka to se omo a, o mi ewuen na
Translation: A child once scalded by fire gets scared of ashes.
Meaning: Experience is the best teacher.
Ogbe no gbe, la a mase a a na
Translation: One can only plan for a day that has come.
Meaning: Learn to make do with what you have.
A gha ye omo ku a ghi mhu gi enibie ore
Translation: After playing with a child, give them back to their parents.
Meaning: Never be hyper-fixated on what doesn’t belong to you.
Obo oguo o vha guese ache
Translation: One hand can’t cover the pot.
Meaning: Learn to seek help from others.
Ai kha me ovbie orimwin ighe oma he erha vbi iye se
Translation: You don’t tell the children of the deceased that they didn’t bury their parents properly.
Meaning: Don’t remind people who are hurt about their problems.
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A khe li omo o de e de, oli gbaga
Translation: When a child is cautioned, they should heed such.
Meaning: It’s important to heed warnings when you get them.
Ai vben ekpo mase no fien uvun
Translation: Not having a pocket is better than having one with holes.
Meaning: What’s worth doing is worth doing well.
Erokhi ma mien ebe,ele
Translation: If the chameleon doesn’t see danger, it won’t run.
Meaning: There’s a reason for everything.
Omo na gba shi ukoko, o vha yese khi ode oki o nue
Translation: A child carried on the back doesn’t realise the road to the market is far.
Meaning: Ignorance is bliss.
Okhiami o la a gbe ima ghue le
Translation: One’s stomach could be full even when they’re hungry.
Meaning: You can keep a clear mind even in chaos.
Omo o wa lewe, lo rhi okholi gbe enejo
Translation: That a child isn’t entitled to eat kolanut is why the elderly were captured on the battlefield.
Meaning: Don’t be quick to disregard the opinions of those you dim beneath you.
Agbon ghi salo
Translation: There’s not enough time to use the world.
Meaning: Tomorrow isn’t promised. Do what you want today.
Omo o kha khii le dobe tu agami aa lue, a wuon wen naali
Translation: If a child insists they can swallow an axe, simply hold it for them.
Meaning: Sometimes, let people learn from their mistakes.
Omo o ka khi le a mhuo li ogbo, a a lu o omi olimhi
Translation: A child who fails to appreciate their family is treated as an orphan.
Seen our Valentine’s Special yet? We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved over the previous five years. Watch the second episode below:
Japa is more than just the Nigerian dream these days; it’s a necessity — making visa rejections all the more heartbreaking.
The Nigerians in this story understand this all too well. While they didn’t find it funny when their visa applications were rejected, they can look back and laugh about it now because the only other option is to cry.
Emma*, 29
I don’t know who advised me, but I was feeling lucky on the day of my first US visa interview in 2017, so I wore an “I love New York” shirt to the appointment. I wanted them to see I was already “embracing” life in the US. You need to see the speed with which the consular officer rejected me.
I tried again the following year, and even fasted for 21 days before the interview. They still rejected me. I’ve left their US for them.
Jola*, 33
I was a member of a popular apron-wearing church when I went for my Schengen visa interview in 2019. I wore the apron to the interview as an act of faith and even gave testimony in advance at church. The way the officer looked at me throughout the interview, I knew it was over long before the rejection finally came.
John*, 33
I applied for a US visa in 2018 and prepared for the interview like my life depended on it. I think I paid someone about ₦60k to coach me, and I travelled down to Lagos from Warri two days before the interview because I didn’t want my village people to use bus delays to spoil my plan.
The interview day came, and the consular officer asked if I was married. I said “No”. She immediately rejected me. I was shocked. I changed mouth and started claiming I had a girlfriend at home, and we were planning marriage, but aunty was already giving me the blue slip. That’s how I began to tearfully repeat, “Why would you do this to me?” as if she knew me from anywhere.
I swore for our politicians all through the journey home. What would I be looking for in America if the country was working?
My mum got rejected while seeking US visas for the family in 2007.
We were all dressed in aso-oke and beads because my mum thought it’d mean that we were proud of our country and would come back. After they rejected us, she carried us to Mr. Biggs to eat our sorrows away. The interview was on a Tuesday morning. Imagine the weird looks we got when we pulled up to Mr Biggs dressed like we were going to an owambe.
Chisom*, 27
I don’t know who sent me to form accent during my UK visitor’s visa interview in 2021. I have a very thick Igbo accent and was trying to avoid a thing where the officer would ask me to repeat myself.
I’m not even sure which accent I was impersonating. I just wanted to sound clear. It didn’t work sha. The officer asked me, “Have you lived outside Nigeria before?” even though it was clear I hadn’t. I’m sure she must’ve been wondering where this one found accent. I don’t blame her for rejecting me sef. Who does that?
Favour*, 25
I dry fasted and prayed for three days and nights on this US visa matter. The appointment was for 6:45 a.m., coinciding with the day I was supposed to end the fast. I didn’t even sleep the previous night because I prayed all through.
Two minutes into my interview, the officer said I looked sick, and that he didn’t believe I’d return to Nigeria. To say I was shocked is an understatement.
Dami*, 28
I applied to India to study nursing in 2014. I can’t even remember the reason the interviewer gave for rejecting my visa application. I was just so angry. Like, common India? In anger, I told him, “Out of all the countries, do you think it’s India I’ll choose to migrate to?” The guy was shocked. He started saying something about reapplying, but I just carried myself away from there.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Tribal marks are a unique Yoruba tradition passed down generations. They’re face tattoos done without the consent of the carriers, often infants. In the past, people would mark their newborns so it’s easy to tell which tribe, family or town they belong to.
But they’re less popular nowadays thanks to civilisation and the Child Rights Act ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo’s government enacted in 2003: “No person shall tattoo or make a skin mark or cause any tattoo or skin mark to be made on a child”. Violations could attract a ₦5,000 fine, jail term of one month, or both.
These are some of the common ones that still exists, and what they mean.
Abaja Olowu
Image source: BBC
Three vertical lines over three horizontal lines. It’s associated with people from the Owu Kingdom.
Gombo
Image source: KnowNigeria
Also known as “Keke”, this Yoruba tribal mark is four to five perpendicular lines and three vertical lines on both cheeks. In some cases, it also features a stroke across the nose. Gombo tribal marks are prominent among people from Oyo and Egba land.
Double Abaja
Image source: BBC
The Abaja marks once distinguished the noble families of Oyo. But these days, they’ve been adopted by many Oyo-oriented groups. Abaja tribal marks come in variations of threes and fours.
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Pele
Image source: TamilahPhotography
Pele is a generic tribal mark in Yorubaland. It varies in size and number of strokes according to tribe. Some pele marks are tiny and barely noticeable, while others are long and prominent on the face.
Single Abaja
Image Source: X/@adetutu_oj
This is a single set variation of the Abaja tribal mark, common among people from Oyo state.
Soju
Image source: Facebook/MichaelTubesCreations
Soju marks are single vertical lines on both sides of the cheek. They’re common among natives of Ondo state.
Jaju
This is another tribal mark common among people from Ondo state. But unlike Soju, the lines are horizontal.
Yagba marks
Image source: Nairaland
This tribal mark style is fairly less common than the others. With three converging lines at both corners of the mouth, it’s common among the Yagbas — Yoruba people from the north.
Seen our Valentine’s Special yet? We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved over the previous five years. Watch the second episode below:
I have a hot take: There’s nothing wrong with being a gold digger now that the naira is dancing to the beat of Lagbaja’s ‘Konko Below,’ and everyone has to play survival of the fittest.
So if you really want to survive this economy that bag and are willing to frolic a little with someone that has plenty of it, then these tips will definitely help you.
Tell them why you’re with them
Times are harder than the last time we said ‘times are hard’, so tell them you’re only with them for the money. If they decide to still form heartbroken when the relationship ends, then that’s their business.
Bill them small small
Believe it or not, this economy might also be affecting your goldmine. So, while you’re asking them to move and shake things for you, do it with a conscience before they take their gold and run away from you.
Make sure they always have time for their partner
Don’t be greedy; they’re already giving you their money, so the least you could do is make sure they remember their actual partner and share the time between you and them.
Don’t post them
Always remember they might have a partner. Do you really want them to see the love of their life doing TikTok challenges and cuddling up with you on your Instagram page? We thought as much
Be thankful for your goldmine
Please, have you seen the state of our economy? The fact you found someone willing to share their money with you is a miracle. And you should be eternally thankful for them..
Find other options
What if the gold finishes? What if see finish enters? What if someone else has more money than they do? These are the questions you should o ask yourself before you decide to stick to one gold mine.
Give them good advice
This is important if they are currently in government. Advise them to do the right thing and tell their friends to act right. If you don’t, the thunder the citizens have sent their direction might mistake you for their real partner and meet you where you lay.
The way Nigeria is hot right now, there’s no point doubting if the last Nigerians who went to hellfire left the gates open. They threw that shit wild ajar and left us to cook in our bodily fluids.
But we know just how to win this battle and get your beauty sleep despite it all.
On your tiled floor
Before you say it’s giving sufferhead, think about it. What part of your house stays cool no matter how hot it is? Exactly. To really enjoy this spot, strip naked first.
On your deep freezer
If the floor doesn’t appeal to you, consider sleeping on top of your deep freezer. The metal exterior is a good conductor of heat. It’ll absorb the heat from your body and make your skin cool.
Or inside it
With PHCN’s epileptic power supply, there’s no point storing food inside your freezer. It won’t get cold enough to preserve shit. But what’s to say it cannot keep you cool? Just make sure you tell your family members where you are. That way, you’ll rest in peace without the fear of freezing to death when the light returns.
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Your balcony
You might think it’s a joke, but once you spend that first night outside, you’ll relocate your bedroom to the balcony.
The bathroom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you run there to pour water on your head when heat threatens to take your life, you might as well spend the night there.
Inside your gated compound
You already spread your mattress outside when it’s wet or you want to roast the bedbugs in it. So, it won’t be a strange occurrence when you leave it there permanently. Just wait for your neighbours to go to bed at night, and return with your blanket and cover cloth.
On the roof
Whether it’s the roof of your house or the roof of your car, that mattress will stay on it and cool breeze will cuddle you throughout the night. But please, avoid these spots if you stir in your sleep.
Even if you live under a rock, it wouldn’t stop you from feeling the biting effects of the inflation in Nigeria. According to recent data, January 2024’s food inflation stood at an alarming 35.41%. God, abeg.
It’s not surprising that fine dining restaurants that’ve always charged through the roof for their meals are moving madder than mad. If you don’t plan to spend two weeks worth of your hard earned salary on a plate of food, these alternative spots should be on your radar.
Your parents’ house
If you have a date, take them to your parents. It’s a huge step, but beloved, your pocket might not survive the effects of that creamy pasta and strawberry daiquiri. Ten minutes after your arrival, your mum or dad will ask, “So, what is your friend going to eat?” And the good thing is you’ll also get a plate.
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Your grandparents’ house
Lagos restaurants can argue all they want, but ₦14k for a plate of abula is wild. That’s a pot of soup for a week, if you think about it. Everyone knows baby boomers make the best abula anyway, so why not just visit your grandparents. You even get a wide option of paternal or maternal. Alternate between their houses, and you wouldn’t have to pay a thing for homemade local delicacies again.
Don’t forget the Mama Put on your street
If you’ve rolled your eyes at all the Mama Put spots in your area, it’s time to do better. They might bump up their prices a little, but you’ll still fix yourself a decent plate with a ₦500 – 1k budget. Some of them even throw in garnishes like red onions to help your food cosplay as a fine dining meal.
Or that friend that knows how to cook
It’s fine if they weren’t inspired to start cooking until after Hilda Baci’s cook-a-thon. Now, you can fill their ears with sweet whispers of how food is the new crude oil. If they’re scared to start a food business, offer yourself up as their first paying customer and let them cook.
Owambe
If you’re in Lagos, the weekdays have nothing on you. Search the nook and crannies of your neighbourhood and you’ll find an owambe to gatecrash. Just make sure you wear white so you can blend in no matter the theme of the day. Find a good spot and make yourself comfortable. If the food doesn’t come, find a waiter to tip.
People outside Lagos should target the weekend though.
Fast food chains
Just a reminder that you can still dine like a second-class king with a ₦3k budget when you walk into any franchise outlet near you. Swallow your pride today.
The house of God
Perish the idea that you’ll get small chops, coffee or even jollof because inflation has made that a thing of blessed memories. But remember, feeding your spirit is just as important as feeding your earthly body.
On February 15, 2024, South Africa-based Kenyan chess champion and comedian, Elsa Majimbo, responded to fans who wanted her to talk about Naomi Campbell, her presumed mentor. In a now-deleted TikTok video, Elsa revealed how she met the British supermodel, what happened between them and their current relationship.
Source: Kenyan Insight
In her usual indoor video style, sharing events in her life with her followers while slathering on shea butter like it’s going out of style, Elsa laid it all out. She went down memory lane to December 2020 — the first time the two met.
Naomi was in Nairobi for the third time since 2018, and Elsa texted her on IG to ask if they could meet. Elsa was one of many content creators who’d gone viral during the pandemic lockdown early in the year. Naomi shot her the location. Without wasting time, Elsa and her brother went there, and the supermodel offered them a getaway trip with her.
Source: Buzz Central
Elsa was eager to hang out with one of the most iconic models in the world. According to her, they had a great time together. This was likely when Naomi stayed at an exclusive resort in Malindi, Kenya, owned by her boyfriend at the time, Italian businessman, Flavio Briatore.
As seen on an episode of Naomi’s vlog, “Being Naomi”, Elsa and Naomi shopped, tried some makeup on and decorated a Christmas tree together. Later that month, Elsa was on Naomi’s “No Filter With Naomi” show to discuss her rising fame on TikTok.
One day on the beach, Naomi suggested that Elsa should make a documentary on her life in Kenya. Then she introduced Elsa to some Hollywood folks, and sometime after the vacation, Elsa hung out with members of Naomi’s team at Kempinski, a five-star luxury hotel in Nairobi. This was when one of them spilled that Naomi had told them she was behind Elsa’s success. Elsa set the record straight by explaining when and how they met.
In June 2021, Naomi celebrated Elsa’s 20th birthday with a post on her IG page. Nothing seemed wrong between them at the time.
Elsa fast forwarded to March 2022 when Naomi called to query her about her short film, Elsa — a 15-minute film about her experience with colourism, bullying and comedy, directed by Julia Jansch. Naomi thought Elsa had executed her documentary idea without her.
Busy Elsa promised to continue the conversation the following day but couldn’t due to a tight flight schedule. It took Elsa 24 hours to return Naomi’s call. By this time, Naomi told her it would be their last chat and wished her a good life. Elsa respected her decision and stayed out of her way.
But according to Elsa, “Things started going very badly for me. I thought it was because of the situation [with Naomi], but I wanted to be sure.” While this supposed negative turn in her career wasn’t visible to the public, she tried to call Naomi and sent apology texts. She got no response until Naomi texted her to stop trying to contact her. [ad][/ad]
An encounter with Edward Enninful, ex-editor-in-chief of British Vogue, made Elsa realise the gravity of the issue. So she contacted one of Naomi’s close friends to facilitate communication between them.
In January 2023, Naomi wished Elsa a happy new year.
Throughout the eight-minute-long TikTok video, Elsa never stopped creaming her body. But she ended the video acknowledging the access and credibility Naomi’s cosign gave her. Their relationship remains strained. “We’re not friends. We’re not enemies. We’re not anything.”
She returned to X on February 18, 2024, to explain her now viral TikTok video in a now deleted tweet.
Responding to a comment under the tweet, she stated that the situation even pushed her into alcoholism.
Some hours later, she put out another tweet clarifying that Naomi didn’t push her to the bottle, the situation did.
In the early hours of February 19, 2024, Elsa tweeted that even though she deleted the tweet, she stands by her words but wants to take the peace route.
In her responses to the comments under this new post, Elsa said Naomi threatened to sue her and post a screenshot of a time Elsa asked her for help against some predatory older white executives. One wonders how the second part would incriminate Elsa.
But all Elsa wants is the public’s listening ears.
Naomi Campbell hasn’t commented on the viral video and tweets as of the time of publishing.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine’s Special yet? We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved over the previous five years. Watch the first episode below:
When Nigeria took the lead against Ivory Coast during the AFCON final on Sunday night, my street erupted in a loud cheer, accompanied by the celebratory sounds of fireworks. I was indoors and couldn’t see the multicoloured fireworks die as quickly as they exploded in the night sky. But I have witnessed enough Christmases to imagine it. Just as soon as the excitement died down, my mind drifted to a memory of a dream that died as quickly.
The dream belonged to the Uber driver I met three days earlier. He loved and played football until his father took everything desirable out of him decades ago.
The whole of Africa watched the Nigeria vs Cote d’Ivoire match at the edge of their seats, but I imagined he was out driving a passenger in his Uber Go vehicle — the exact vehicle he drove me in while the Nigeria vs South Africa game was on February 7.
“Did you catch the ’89 game? Nigeria versus USSR in the FIFA U-20 World Cup?” he started with a laugh when I asked him why he wasn’t watching the match. I chuckled at his rhetorical question because I wasn’t born in 1989.
He recalled being a 21-year-old student, juggling studying for university entrance exams with watching the Under-20 World Cup game on the TV with his father. In their one-bedroom flat, his attention danced between the match played miles away in Saudi Arabia and the notes spread across his lap.
Like many Nigerians that day, his heart sank in the 46th minute when Russia took a 4-0 lead. Feeling sullen and defeated, he retreated to the bedroom to focus on studying. However, fifteen minutes later, his father’s cheers filtered through the thin wall separating both rooms. Nigeria’s midfielder, Oladimeji Lawal, had scored a goal with thirty minutes to go. Initially dismissing it inconsequential, he continued studying but was soon startled by another roar — Nigeria had scored a second goal. “I closed my books and rushed back to the living room.” Before full-time, Nigeria scored two more goals to level with the USSR. “I told myself that maybe a miracle could happen.” Coincidentally, that match is known as The Miracle of Damman, named after the Saudi Arabian stadium where the match was played. “We watched the match on one of those black and white TVs that looked pregnant from behind,” he said, trying to describe the size of this TV. I wasn’t sure why this detail was important until he described what happened next.
What the TV may have looked like
Like the Nigeria vs South Africa match on the night of February 7, the World Cup game vs the USSR decades ago also ended in a draw. So, to decide the winner, both teams had to compete in a penalty shootout.
My Uber driver at the time was a footballer, too. He started in defence and eventually played as a goalkeeper. I wanted to ask him if he played professionally, but I didn’t want to interrupt his flow. “I was very good at football,” he said.
He and his father watched the shootout with their hearts in their mouths. My Uber driver also thought simulating the match actions would help Nigeria’s chances of winning; if he kicked the imaginary ball in his living room and sent the keeper the wrong way, the Nigerian players would send the keeper the wrong way and score their penalty kicks. There was no logic to it, but he believed that’s what he had to do to help the team win.
“But while I was trying to help Nigeria score, I hit my leg hard at the TV, shattering the device and rousing a sharp pain in my foot,” he said.
Nigeria won the penalty shootout and advanced to the semis, but neither he nor his father watched it happen. Throughout that night and the following days, his father tended to his injuries, but not with care. “He massaged my leg wickedly every night.”
The aftercare was so painful that by the time the injury healed up and the pain was gone, so was his affinity for the sport.
Indifference now defines the 56-year-old’s attitude towards the sport. If my Uber is watching television and learns from his children that a match is on, he carries on with his shows like it is nothing. “I never interrupt any show I am watching just for a match. My son loves to watch football, but I send him off to the other room to use the television there.”
His son also plays football and nurses dreams of making a career out of it. My Uber Driver says he supports his interests as much as possible. “He is only 22 years old; still a young man. I won’t let my father’s actions block his dreams.”
The man now fuels his son’s football dreams with his earnings from driving cabs. Before Uber arrived in Lagos in 2014, he chauffeured the affluent in yellow taxis, a stark contrast to today’s more accessible ride-hailing scene.
When there were no ride-hailing apps, taxi drivers waited long hours for customers at the airport, bus stops, and other busy landmarks. “Those rides cost more than today’s Ubers,” he reflected, “but finding customers could be a gamble sometimes.”
Eager to embrace technology’s promise of a steady stream of customers, the then 30-something-year-old yellow-taxi taxi driver saw an opportunity to make more money. However, his tech-hesitant colleagues, particularly the older drivers, warned him against it, calling it a waste of time.
Uber offered cheaper fares to attract more customers and charged no commission from drivers. This model, replicated by subsequent ride-hailing apps like Bolt, Indrive, and Rida, aimed to gain user trust and solve the classic “chicken-and-egg” problem of attracting drivers and riders. No driver wants to use a platform that does not have a lot of riders, and no riders want to use a platform that does not have a lot of drivers. However, you need one to get the other and lower fees for both parties are often a sure way to solve the problem.
The driver’s gamble with Uber proved fruitful. “The fare is smaller per ride, but there is a regular stream of customers,” he said. “I even returned to the yellow taxi park to convince some drivers to join the Uber platform.
Now, after seven years, he has earned enough money to buy a car and more than one TV in the house he also built from his earnings, which allows him to watch shows of his choice on one while his kids watch football matches on the other.
I was surprised to learn he had a car, considering that we were sitting in an Uber Go vehicle— a Suzuki that Moove, a vehicle-financing company, give out to drivers on a hire–purchase agreement. In addition to paying commissions to Uber, drivers have to pay Moove from their earnings in fixed instalments.
“I have someone driving my car on Uber and paying me money and commission from the ride,” he explained.
Personal vehicle leasing is very common in Lagos, and car owners often sign agreements on paper to get as much as ₦25,000 weekly or ₦100,000 monthly from the drivers they rent the cars to.
It seemed lucrative, so I wondered why he was still driving with the Uber Go. The vehicle financing plan has fallen out of favour, with some drivers saying they don’t earn enough to meet the instalment payments.
“I was getting lazy,” he admitted. “With my car, I’d stop whenever I got bored or felt I’d earned enough money for the day.”
According to him, Uber requires him to be online for 10 hours daily, six days a week. They believe it’s the best way for drivers to earn enough to pay off the car and eventually own it. However, many fail to meet the quotas and lose their vehicles. So, his self-imposed discipline surprised me. But maybe he thrives under pressure as the best footballers do.
As we pulled onto my street, I broke the comfortable silence again, asking him how familiar he was with my street. His response was a hearty laugh that stretched on for a full minute. “I know this place like the back of my hand,” he said, gesturing to a long, slender palm that made it hard to believe he was approaching 60.
It made me wonder if his easy amusement was a remnant of youth, clinging on despite his father’s influence on his football dreams. Or if it was a response to the trauma he endured from his father after that night in 1989.
I learned later that Nigeria lost the final against Côte D’Ivoire, finishing second in this AFCON campaign. When I heard the news, I wondered how many heartbreaks my Uber driver had spared himself after all these years of not watching football.
On Valentine’s Day in 2014, I got the biggest surprise of my life.
My boss at the big pharma where I worked called me after a meeting and told me I had to move to Kenya.
I was like, “huh?”
A few months earlier, during my end-of-the-year performance review, my boss had said that my department was evolving. I had a future there, they assured me. However, my new role could be based abroad.
Although I got this heads-up, it never occurred to me, not even for a second, that I’d be relocating. I hadn’t considered leaving the country since I was 16 when I thought of going abroad for uni, a decision my parents vetoed.
“All my kids are going to get their first degree in Nigeria,” my father had said. By the time I finished my university degree, I had no intention of returning to school. Then, I got into the workforce almost immediately.
Growing up, I had an idea of the life and family I wanted, driven by the Nigerian Dream: Live in Nigeria, go abroad for holidays and come back. The critical thing is I always have to come back. I’ll admit this: it takes privilege to believe in the Nigerian dream. And I was protected. I was privileged.
So, imagine how I felt when my boss called me aside and said: “Irene, I’ve been unsuccessful in keeping your role in Nigeria. The higher-ups in the Global office say it has to be Kenya.”
My biggest dilemma was the potential complication: I was in a serious relationship. My boyfriend, unlike me, had always wanted to Japa. He had a green card and a good job. But I always told him, “Listen, we have an opportunity to start a life here before considering relocation. Why do you want to leave now?”
Naturally, he was one of the two people I called immediately. I told him I’d say no to Kenya if he was with me. We could stay here for a bit and build a family first.
Now, listen; according to my boss, the consequence of not moving would be that I would have a vague role within the company. They could either phase me out of the business or find another Nigerian-based role. But I was happy to stay back so we could start our lives together.
Do you want to hear what this guy said? He told me, “Don’t make any decisions based on me. Whatever you decide is fine.”
That wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
In my mind, the only interpretation of what I heard was, “You’re on your own. Do what’s best for you.” I was so mad the relationship ended that day. Years later, he told me he meant he’d be okay with whatever I decided.
My father was the other person I called that morning. He thought it was a fantastic career move, but it would be difficult if I wanted to settle down. In the following days, I convinced myself that moving could be good. To be fair, I’ve always moved in the direction of an opportunity. Between 2008 and 2014, I worked in Zamfara, Rivers and Enugu states and sold healthcare products in more than 20 states in Nigeria.
It was time to be on the move again.
On April 27, 2014, I landed in Nairobi with nine bags, for which I paid ₦148k in excess luggage fees. I started work the following morning.
When you move to a new country for work, two things are paramount: Settling in at work and finding your community. When a company is paying for your keep and your work permit in a foreign country, they expect you to work harder than others, and if you don’t meet that, it causes internal dissent. Professionally, my first few months in Kenya were intense and gruelling.
But you know, I had to also find time for social connections. I’ll tell you one thing about working as an expat abroad — people treat you as temporary. They interact with you like they know you’re leaving. It’s a lonely life, and [the quality of] your relationships are its biggest manifestation.
So, in my first few months in Kenya, all I did was pretty much google “Nigerians in Kenya” to figure out how to build my community. It led me to InterNations — an expat community. I reached out to the first person, then the second, and started expanding my network one person at a time.
Two years in, I had built a semblance of a community. There was Mo, my first friend at work. She was energetic and feisty and had a lot of good vibes. Her parents loved me, too, and her home became the place I spent my Christmas holidays. There were also the friends I hosted for dinners and house parties when I fully settled in.
After two years, Kenya had started to feel like home, but it wasn’t home. The friends I made got me through a lot, but it still got lonely from time to time in the five years that followed.
Then, 2020 came with Covid. For the first time in years, there was a possibility of returning home for good. The country I left in 2014 had changed, though. Everyone I knew was desperate to get out.
I was undeterred by this for two reasons: I desperately wanted to see my family and loved ones after Covid. It didn’t help that it coincided with a tough year at work. The African business was less attractive to my organisation, so they were winding down operations in several locations. The possibility of another relocation elsewhere loomed, and I didn’t want to go through that again. At that point, I was starting to feel like I had reached a ceiling at work and wanted change or something close to it.
When people ask me why I came back, I tell them that Covid was tough and my parents were really ill. There was also an opportunity to cash out at work and return home. Both reasons were valid.
But did I intend to stay back? To be honest, I don’t know. When I moved back in March 2021, the Nigeria I returned to was difficult to recognise. For example, my parents were very comfortable when I left in 2014. In 2021, they weren’t as comfortable, and I was almost as good as the breadwinner. Also, people and businesses were leaving in droves.
So, why did I stay back? Short answer: Conviction. This is where it gets interesting.
When I sorted out business at home, nursed my parents back to health and decided to return to work, I got two offers in Kenya and another in Nigeria. The Kenya roles offered more money, but the Nigerian role drew me in. I believed so strongly in the problem they were trying to solve — a problem I’d been thinking about — that it’s hard to invest in healthcare because we don’t have the data. I loved the vision. There was no way I wouldn’t be a part of it. It was a pursuit of conviction and purpose. So, I stayed to help solve this problem.
Conviction is an exciting thing. I say this because the company eventually closed down, and when it did, I found another reason to stick around. First, the companies that made living and working in Nigeria, and by extension Africa, attractive were exiting the continent.
I work in healthcare, so let me put this in context: We saw people and businesses leave the country in the 80s and 90s. But those businesses that left paid heavily to come back. A time will come when big pharma companies will need to buy the small businesses that filled the void they left to return to Africa. It’s happened before — Neimeth Pharmaceuticals today resulted from Pfizer downsizing in the country in the 90s.
Because of that, I told myself that I’ll be here when those businesses return and, in that time, do the business that allows people to come back. The result of that is Infinity Health, a healthcare and life sciences business I started.
Infinity Health is leveraging technology to give healthcare businesses springing up now a route to the market by taking regulatory services and simplifying them for them in the way they can afford, making data available in small chunks they can afford. I intend that in five years, they will tell how someone paid billions of dollars because Infinity Health is the easiest way to access the African healthcare market.
That’s the conviction. That’s the reason I stayed.
It’s been almost three years since I made this decision, and let me not lie to you: It’s singularly the hardest thing I’ve done. I’ve paid very dearly for it, and I haven’t even won yet.
I’ve gone from being very comfortable, earning about $80k/year, to earning nothing. Last year, I didn’t make any personal income because I spent all that time building a business. But hey, I’m here already.
In that time, I’ve learned a few things, too. People want to stay in the country. It’s the country discouraging and demotivating young people. And I get it; people leave because they have nothing to aspire to. The fact that I’m still here and dreaming is because of my privilege. I’ll always acknowledge that.
I no longer speak with the same finality I spoke with in 2021. It’s getting harder to insulate myself from the challenges in this country, and by extension, I’ve lost some of the conviction and belief I had three years ago. In my head, I’m still here for the long haul. But do I also regret moving back sometimes? Absolutely.
But as long as I have my mum, dad and family, I’ll continue to find the strength to stay and do what I must. The last time I left the country, I came back to meet my sick parents. I can’t do that again.
In my heart, I know I might have to leave again if this business thing doesn’t work out. It’s now about self-preservation, not about clinging on to the remnant of the Nigerian dream. I don’t think that exists anymore.
That said, will there be winners when this dust settles? Yes, and I want to be one of them. That, my friend, is the reason I stayed back.
Since we’re still on the subject of Valentine’s Day, if you’re still out looking for the LOYL or anyone to spend the day with, draw your inspiration from these seven Nigerian meals.
Addmie is rice’s bae
Jollof rice, fried rice, coconut rice, egg fried rice, you name it. Forget the hype about plantain or beans, rice’s perfect mate is well-seasoned mixed vegetables with Addmie-seasoned protein.
Addmie weds fried eggs
Nothing speaks Naija breakfast like a plate of fried eggs or egg sauce with yam or plantain. But guess what, Addmie takes your eggs to new levels with its blend of carrot, green pepper and spring onions. Once you taste a serving made with Addmie, you’ll never go back.
Pasta on an Addmie date
Macaroni, fettuccine or creamy pasta, Addmie will enhance any pasta dish. So if you want a special date night with bae, you can bring the high-end restaurant energy to your house when you prepare your pasta with Addmie seasoning.
Addmie with Beans and Plantain
Only haters will look at beans and suggest any other partner but the deep-fried, soft and squishy dodo. But have you tried to throw Addmie into the mix. You’ll be convinced the trio inspired the term “foodgasm”.
Addmie and noodles
Cinderella and her Prince Charming, but make it food. Like how many people tried the glass shoe but it only fit Cinderella, nothing screams “Perfect!” like tasty noodles by Addmie. This combo will motivate you to find someone who’ll complement you just as well.
Stews and sauces meet Addmie
Stew is a must-make in every kitchen. Whether it’s red stew, palm oil stew or Chinese or curry sauce, Addmie is the game changer needed to complete the mix. The perfect love match made in heaven.
The final touch
We know Valentine’s Day is about love and your perfect mate. But you don’t have to settle for boring and unhappy when you can cook up the perfect combos. If you’re worried about cooking prep time, it’s because you’re forming coconut head and won’t let Addmie take your stress away.
Let Addmie give you the vegetables, protein and seasoning you need to make your MATE complete.
Zikoko hears the commotion on the other side of the hotel room door before it opens and NEPA enters.
Zikoko: Are you not hot?
Nepa: Is that how they greet your elders where you’re from?
Nepa takes the seat opposite Zikoko.
Zikoko: You’re wearing agbada and fila in this heat? The greeting can wait, Sir.
Nepa: Small heat that is outside?
Zikoko: The heat is inside, too.
Nepa: Where? My friend, blast the AC and let us hear word.
Zikoko: With which light?
Nepa: Ehn, if there’s no light you can on your gen nau. Abi, are you a JJC?
Nepa opens a bottle of champagne and pours himself a glass which he offers to Zikoko.
Nepa: You want?
Zikoko: I want us to talk about the light issue.
Nepa: There’s no issue. We’re just on a small break.
Zikoko: Ehn?
Nepa: Don’t they go on breaks in your office?
We have gone off. If you people don’t like it, go and hug a transformer.
Zikoko:
Nepa: Relax! There’s no light. Nothing will happen to you. The whole system is doing one kind because of the contract staff we hired. Give us some time, and we’ll be back.
Zikoko: Like how long?
Nepa:
Ehn, some time. It’s not like I don’t want to work o. It’s just that I’m a very busy man.
Zikoko: Even right now that you’re on a break?
Nepa: Of course.
He takes a sip of his champagne.
Nepa: I’m into import and export, supply and demand.
Zikoko: Then, supply us with electricity nau
Nepa: Come, don’t make me angry. I said we have gone on a break. When you people were going on your December break, shebi, they allowed you.
Zikoko: So you decided to go on your break in February when they’ve dragged us to sit at Satan’s right hand in hell?
Nepa: God forbid. You and who are sitting with Satan? Look, I am Nepa, I can do whatever I want. Plus, the national grid needs to rest. Shebi you people kept complaining that it was breaking down. I’ve given him a break. You’re welcome.
Zikoko: But the heat and lack of electricity is almost as bad as that Indomie and bread combo.
Zikoko pauses and looks around.
Zikoko: How does this place even have light? Is it gen?
Nepa: Generator? In my building? No o. Steady power supply.
Zikoko: If you’re giving this place electricity, then share some with the rest of the country. Do you like how they’re insulting you?
Nepa: Insulting who? They’re not insulting me o. They’re insulting “the Neps”.
Zikoko:
Sir, why did you ask me to come here?
Nepa: That’s the question you should’ve started with. You’d have saved us all this back and forth.
They hear a knock at the door.
Nepa: Ehen, he’s here. Come in.
The door opens and a man walks in with a big carton in his hand.
Zikoko: Did it get hotter in here?
Zikoko fans themselves. furiously. Nepa looks up at the man.
Nepa: You’re always doing too much. Zikoko meet Heat.
Heat:
Zikoko: Ehn? What does that even… Why is he even…
Nepa: Shebi you people are looking for who to insult? Insult him.
Nepa gets up and brings the content of the box out one by one.
Nepa: Me, I’m just selling my generator batteries.
Zikoko:
Nepa: Any type you want, I have it.
Zikoko: This… this is what you brought me here for? This is what you left your job for?
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
There’s no light, fuel is expensive, and the harmattan is confused. So, we’re left with nothing but to deal with this scary heat.
It’s so hot that everything on this list stands no chance of competing with this heat.
You
You’re so physically attractive that you make others feel insecure. But, my dear, I have some news for you: The heat in town has taken your spot. Now all you can do is cry about the Neps with all of us.
Miami Heat
If you think the American basketball team is the hottest thing ever, you don’t know ball. This is not 2013 when they had Dwayne Wade and LeBron James, and could easily win a 7 game series. The hot weather wins this round, (it doesn’t have injured players).
Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Ibadan Micra taxis
The Micra taxis in Ibadan see the sun more than everyone every day. The heat inside it is even incomparable. But the heat outside right now can melt it down to a mass of purple and yellow if it stays too long.
Dangote’s phone in 2021
The resulting hotness of Dangote’s phone from non-stop calls and messages after his ass leaked online was probably enough to make coffee. But this heat can cosplay as hell’s kitchen. The heat wins.
Samsung Note 7
Samsung Note 7 phones gained notoriety from its overheating and exploding batteries in 2016, but the heat currently combating us in Nigeria? It’ll beat out of you all the “waters” Tyla sang about. And when you lose your breath, what’s next?
That one Sheyman and Dr. Pat song
Remember the hot Sheyman’s and Dr. Pat’s song that went, “I’m hotter than fire, give me some water” in 2009? But is it hotter than anything out right now, talk more of this heat wave?
Hotter than fire una
Hell
We’ve not been to hell, but what this heat has unleashed is hotter than Gerald Johnson’s description of it. At least, Rihanna’s Umbrella plays in hell, this Nigerian heat screams, “Get right with God!”
People like to talk about taking charge, but the Nala Feminist Collective (AKA Nalafem) is putting their money where their mouth is. Since 2020, the Pan-African group of 17 feminists — including the youngest senior official in the history of the African Union, Aya Chebbi, Nobel Peace Prize nominee Jaha Dukureh, and Miss Universe 2019, Zozibini Tunzi — has had a mission to foster, enable and mobilise young women in Africa, guided by the Africa Young Women Beijing+25 Manifesto.
In line with this, the group is offering a “Take the Lead” course by the Ivy League school, Cornell University, for free to 20,000 women under 40 years old from Nigeria and Kenya.
While this course focuses on leadership, it also teaches entrepreneurship, time management and career exploration. Because the only way to get to the things you want is by constantly improving yourself.
The “Take the Lead” course gives young women the opportunity to cultivate leadership skills that are essential for both personal and professional advancement. If you think this opportunity is too good to be true, don’t just take our word for it. Women from both Nigeria and Kenya who’ve enrolled and finished the course, have nothing but good things to say about it.
“It has helped me clarify my vision and mission for my career and personal life,” Nigerian course taker, Joy Indekhwa, shared. With that clarity comes understanding better the necessary steps to take to get to your goal, and how to handle difficult scenarios.
You’ll gain new skills, insight and strategies on how to be an influential leader at work and in your day-to-day activities. Are you really a leader if you can’t carefully map out where you want to go from where you currently are?
According to Valerie Kwena from Kenya, “The emphasis on real-world applications allowed me to immediately implement new tactics in my professional role, leading to noticeable positive changes in both my approach and outcomes.”
The “Take the Lead” course offers content tailored to prepare you for personal, educational and career advancement, and Nalafem presents its students with an achievement certificate upon completion.
All you have to do is register before February 15, 2024, have steady internet access, a digital device and get ready to devote 20 hours of your time to the course. It really is that easy to get an Ivy League certificate now.
Are you looking to add some flavour to your conversations with Nigerian elders? Do you want to get them to pay rapt attention at all times? Proverbs are where the magic’s at.
Whether you’re conversing in Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa or any other indigenous Nigerian language, there’s a rich tapestry of proverbs that will elevate your everyday interactions. So we compiled a comprehensive list of some Nigerian proverbs and their meanings to get you started on your learning journey.
A gha ye omo ku a ghi mhu gi enibie ore
Translation: After playing with a child, you give the child back to its parents.
Meaning: This Bini proverb preaches contentment. You should never be hyper fixated on what doesn’t belong to you.
Onen yo ba a te oju m‘ojuto a p‘eja
Translation: A person who stares at the gutter for a long time will kill fish.
Meaning: This Ondo proverb touches on patience. If you go at something long enough, you’ll be successful at it.
Mmiri ga eruo onye ogolo nga onye oruru onye nkenke
Translation: Rain will reach the tall person where it reaches the short person.
Meaning: This Igbo wise saying means you’ll always get what is destined to be yours.
Eteki oru gerevwe evwei rhie
Translation: The enemy of a strong man is the person within themselves.
Meaning: This is an Urhobo proverb that highlights the importance of having self-belief and inner strength to overcome one’s limitations.
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Ibon o sai dede dun gbola, etu lo ti i ni itikuti
Translation: The gun didn’t just make a loud bang by itself; it’s the gunpowder that pushed it out.
Meaning: It’s a Yoruba proverb that urges one to look beyond the obvious. Everyone has a purpose.
Ozi-oweyi oku avo eri ver’osa doni
Translation: When a child says thank you for past favour, he’ll surely get another.
Meaning: It’s an Ebira proverb that stresses the importance of gratitude. It’s a recipe for getting more favours.
Nyịn edi akebo eka inua isọñ isọñ, eka aboanye kpon di ke ayaadikịt
Translation: The piglet asked the mother why they dig the ground, and the mother replied, “You’ill know when you grow up?”
Meaning: This Ibibio proverb highlights how the knowledge and wisdom of old age are important to understanding life.
Si neddo fiyii howru banndum fuu, nyoofa howru mum
Translation: He who hits his neighbour’s knee curls up his own legs.
Meaning: It’s a Fulfulde saying that hints at how you risk hurting yourself when you do harm onto others.
One to ba olu jiyan, we ka kpe ni dakun
Translation: The person who argues with the lord or king will plead for a long time.
Meaning: This is an Itsekiri proverb that stresses the importance of owning up and apologising when at fault.
Kworria ta bi kworria, en ta bi akoshi sai ta mutu
Translation: The calabash follows the calabash. When it follows the wooden basin, it gets broken.
Meaning: This Hausa proverb simply means you should never do what’s past your capability.
Wa ze u ri nyaa son’ u ba ko uma bwan zenku ma yi ku
Translation: Your enemy will not praise you even if you kill a lion him.
Meaning: This is a Jukun proverb that says you should never strive to impress those who are constantly against you.
Angereke nga cihin tembe ga
Translation: A gossip is always afraid of being exposed.
Meaning: This Tiv proverb means dishonest people always live in fear and worry of being caught.
Ochi enkpo ge ya ipu no
Translation: A tree can’t make a forest.
Meaning: It’s an Idoma proverb that highlights the importance of community and seeking help when in need.
Vwel de ya ke neken me ye reni murom vey re pye e lo me
Translation: It’s only the goat that’s tired of life that will invite a lion to dinner.
Meaning: This Berom proverb stresses the importance of treading carefully and protecting what you cherish.
Omo isama ghi oro aghe
Translation: A child who’s carried on the back does not know how far the journey is.
Meaning: This Ijaw proverb means ignorance is bliss.
I saw this tweet and immediately knew Idris “Big 4 4-star general” Ayinde’s story had to be shared. How does one grow up in some of the worst parts of Bariga and end up working in one of Europe’s largest financial hubs?
This is Idris’ story, as told to Boluwatife
Image source: Idris Ayinde
“Manage to finish secondary school and make quick cash,” was the general mindset of the people I grew up with in Bariga. No ambition or long-term plans — the goal was just to survive.
Bariga is known for its gangs, notoriety and terrible living conditions. If you’re familiar with the area, you know it’s divided into two parts. The part that’s close to Akoka is much saner. Then there’s the inner part, close to Gbagada, with streets like Ososa, Pemu Otunubi and Oyekunle that housed the notorious individuals Bariga is known for. That was the neighbourhood I grew up in.
We didn’t have much money growing up. My dad’s job as a non-academic staff member at the University of Lagos (UNILAG) came with a meagre salary, and my mum once had a shop on the island she lost to government demolition. One period, my mum had to sell her jewellery for us to eat, and both of us had to hawk ogi to supplement the income.
I must’ve been in SS 1 then. We didn’t want people to know how bad it’d gotten, so I’d put all the ogi wraps in a bag and go some distance away from my street before I arranged it on a tray to hawk. I think the most I earned daily was ₦500.
A neighbour saw me hawking once, and I had to beg him not to tell anyone. I was ashamed. After a couple of months, my mum got a small shop to sell from.
But sometimes, we still had little to zero money. We couldn’t afford to move somewhere else even though the room we lived in was always flooded during the rainy season and we’d spend all day packing water whenever it rained. The streets were worse off. When the gutters overflowed with rainwater — which was often — everyone took off their shoes and walked gingerly to avoid slipping and falling into it. Of course, without the shoes, we risked getting injured by whatever was in the water. But we had no choice.
Like most children in my neighbourhood, I attended a government secondary school where there wasn’t much of a reading culture. It was just: go to school, return home and do anything you like. But my dad regularly brought assignments from work for my siblings and I to solve after school. It meant I rarely had time to go outside after school to mingle with the other kids.
My attitude towards education changed in SS 2, when I joined the Muslim Students Society of Nigeria (MSSN) faction in my school. I met someone in the society who taught me how to read. I moved from someone who only read a day before an exam to getting textbooks and having a study routine. By the time I left secondary school in 2007, I was an efiko.
With 2008 came JAMB, and since I couldn’t afford to pay for a tutorial centre, I put all my energy into preparing on my own. I chose to study accounting because it was my favourite subject in school, but that also meant I had to study further mathematics to take JAMB mathematics. I was a commercial student who’d never taken further math before.
So, I bought Dele Ashade’s “A-Z of JAMB”, got as many past questions as possible and made arrangements with someone who had a tutorial centre. He taught me further math and economics; in return, I taught some of his secondary school students. My efforts paid off. I had 297 in JAMB, passed post-UTME and got admitted into UNILAG in 2008.
I found out about the admission on a Saturday morning. I was outside, brushing my teeth, when someone reading a newspaper in the only good duplex in my street came to say he saw my name on the list of admitted students for UNILAG.
It was the best news of my life. I was the first person among my peers on my street to get a university admission!
But I couldn’t afford a hostel close to school — even paying the ₦20k school fees required financial help from a relative abroad — so I moved in with an uncle who lived in the part of Bariga that was closer to Akoka. I still had to wake up early to queue for the campus shuttle buses and navigate the daily traffic between Pako bus stop and UNILAG gate. Almost all through my first year, I trekked for almost 30 minutes every morning from Pako to the school gate and to my lecture hall around UNILAG’s Distance Learning Institute (DLI). I also often stayed in school till late at night because there was no light in my uncle’s place to read.
I didn’t immediately start chasing a first class. I just thought I needed to do my best and graduate well. But I also joined MSSN in uni and once attended a program called “Scholars Roundtable”. First-class graduates attended, and they all shared their stories of how they achieved the feat. That was all the inspiration I needed. If they could do it, I could do it too.
I forged relationships with people ahead of me in the department so they could give me their materials at the end of a session. I’d use them to prepare ahead of the new level. I started teaching secondary students during the 2009 ASUU strike so I could go without asking my parents for money. I taught math, economics and accounting and was supposed to get paid ₦200 per hour. I say “supposed” because the school’s owner hardly paid me, but when she did, it was something.
I had to stop in my third year because of increased responsibilities. I’d contested in my department’s association elections and emerged as vice president. I was also the financial secretary at MSSN. I supplemented the occasional ₦1k I got from home by tutoring my classmates. Some of them were quite generous and would show their appreciation by buying me lunch. Others (mostly non-classmates) randomly paid a small fee for private tutoring. Thinking about it now, I don’t know how I survived in school.
I graduated in 2012 with a 4.63 CGPA. That was a feat because my final year must’ve been my busiest. I retained my office in MSSN, became president of my department’s association and handled several tutorial classes. My various activities in school helped me build a good network, so landing an internship after school only involved an email to someone who owned an accounting firm.
My parents moved out of Bariga to their own home in Badagry in the same year. They’ve had the land for years, but at the point they moved, the house was still incomplete. I interned at the firm for about four months on a ₦20k/month salary and left for NYSC in Bayelsa in March 2013.
The plan was to work at one of the Big Four accounting firms, and I knew I needed to become chartered with ICAN to boost my chances. Others started the ICAN exams in uni, but I had no money. Plus, I’d heard ICAN offered the opportunity for first-class graduates to apply for scholarships. So, my service year was dedicated to ICAN preparation.
I requested to be posted to a university for my NYSC Place of Primary Assignment (PPA), and this request may not have been accepted if not for my first class result. I was posted to a university in Amassoma, Bayelsa State, so while there was no light in the city, I took advantage of the university’s power supply to study. I got the ICAN scholarship and used part of my NYSC allowance to pay for ICAN tutorials. I also made some money organising tutorials for uni students. But I think the most each student paid was ₦100.
In November 2013, I wrote and passed all four papers for the first level (PE 1) ICAN certification and emerged as the third-best candidate in January 2014. That came with a ₦25k bonus, and I automatically got another scholarship to write the final-level exams — Accounting graduates from ICAN-accredited universities get to write only two exam levels. ICAN also gave me a ₦60k bonus to attend tutorials.
I’d started applying to the Big Four firms around this time. I wanted to have a job immediately after NYSC, so I applied to one and was so confident I’d get in that I didn’t even try to pursue others. You guessed it — I didn’t get in.
I finished NYSC in February 2014 and returned to my uncle’s house in Lagos without a job. I applied to a few random firms and got some job offers; one with a ₦100k/month salary. But when the offers came, I gave it a second thought and decided to stick to my goal of Big Four and nothing else. I decided to rely on the little savings I had from NYSC to survive and focus on passing the final ICAN exams to boost my Big Four chances. It was a gamble, but I don’t regret turning down those jobs.
I wrote the final ICAN exams in May 2014, and thanks to my network, found out about an internship opportunity at PwC. I applied and got it. It paid ₦80k/month, less than the other offers I’d gotten. But I wanted the Big Four experience.
I moved out of my uncle’s house to a place between Bariga and Oworo that was easier to navigate to the Island, where the office was located. But I wasn’t out of the “trenches” yet.
I also started contributing to the completion of my parents’ Badagry house. It’s now a four-bedroom house with additional flats for tenants, and I must’ve contributed about 70% of the total cost over time.
The ICAN results came out in July. Again, I was the best qualifying candidate for that diet as well as for the year 2014 — I only got to know this in January 2015. ICAN gave me about ₦250k in prize money.
Interestingly, I had a written test for an associate role with Deloitte the day after the results came out. It wasn’t supposed to be a panel interview, but I dressed in a suit and tie all the same. That test turned out to be an interview when they found out I was chartered, and I got the job on the spot.
By 2017, the japa wave had started to gain ground, and a number of people had discovered the Canada route. I’d worked at Deloitte for three years and had just rejoined PwC as a Senior Associate, but I wanted to leave Nigeria too. In the accounting world, most of the big things happen in London. Specifically, Canary Wharf, where the International Accounting Standards Board (IASB) is situated. It’s one of the major financial hubs in the entire Europe, like Silicon Valley for us finance people. Canary Wharf was where the big boys were, and I wanted to be there too.
I decided a visa sponsorship job route made the most sense for me, so I started applying for UK jobs. There was a lot of trial and error. The UK had a “22,000 skilled workers” visa limit per year, which affected the number of international employees each organisation could bring into their country. They also had to do a resident labour market test. So before they employed any foreigner, they had to advertise and interview for a month after a successful interview to make sure no one in the UK could do the job.
This long process meant that even though I got an Assistant Manager offer from KPMG UK in February 2018, I didn’t get the visa until December. I left for the UK in January 2019, almost a year after.
In 2021, I moved to EY because I wanted to expand my experience — making it the fourth of the Big Four firms I’ve worked with in my professional career. I’m a manager now, and I only know one or two people who’ve worked in all four firms; it’s that rare. I recently tweeted a thread on X, detailing all I’ve learnt from working at all four firms.
Big 4- “4 Star General” – My 10 Lessons from working at all the Big 4 firms. The Big 4 is popularly referred to, the four largest professional services networks in the world, ie., Deloitte, Ernst & Young (EY), KPMG, and PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC).
The journey hasn’t been all smooth. I failed two different levels of the CFA exam the first time I attempted them in 2017, losing thousands of dollars in the process. At first, I didn’t know how to handle going from winning national awards to failing, but I picked myself right back up and tried again.
I’ve learnt a lot too. From the importance of delaying gratification — especially when I had to forgo a ₦100k job for something smaller but more profitable in the long run — to having a solid network, and of course, staying prepared for anything. Education isn’t a scam. It was the starting point of all I’ve achieved. If I didn’t have a first-class, I wouldn’t have gotten the ICAN scholarship or won the prize money. I also had access to recruitment opportunities reserved for only first-class graduates.
Everything in life tends to add up. And now, I can pay it forward by caring for my siblings. My mum comes to London as much as she wants. Sadly, I recently lost my dad, but I was able to do the little I could before he passed.
Sometimes, I sit and reflect on where I came from. The boy from Bariga defied all odds and made it to Canary Wharf. It’s not something I take for granted.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Being the single friend sucks. If you’re not constantly feeling like the third wheel, you’re having to listen to your friend rant about their boo, knowing fully well they’ll never take any advice you give.
Valentine is coming, and if you’re the relationship friend, know that it’ll be the most third-wheel type of day ever for your single friend. But you can help make it better.
Get them a gift
Send them money, finally take their advice or buy them something they need; the gift options are endless. The point is to remind them of your love and make sure they don’t feel left out.
Now’s not the time to match-make them
I know you want the best for them, but talking stages are stressful as hell. So give them a break on Valentine’s Day. They can continue answering what their favourite colour is in March.
Break up with your partner
Hear me out. Nothing screams sacrifice like sacrificing your own relationship so your bestie doesn’t feel alone. At least, then you can spend the day together, discussing how the other gender is scum.
Or just abandon them for a day
You can also just ghost your partner to spend time with your friend on Valentine’s Day. You know how people say, “Every day should be Valentine with the right person”? Well, if they’re Mr/Miss Right, they wouldn’t mind picking any of the other days in the calendar to do Valentine things.
Get them to set their priorities straight
Not every time love matter. Are they keeping to their New Year resolutions? Or have they forgotten them? Those are more important than plastic flowers and Nigerian-made teddy bears, if you ask me. It doesn’t matter that you yourself are doing love things with your own partner. The focus is your friend.
Join them to make fun of other people’s gifts
There’s always more than enough cringe-worthy content on Valentine’s Day and who better to join in judging people than your bestie? They might judge your gifts too, but TBH, someone has to do it. With you being blind from love and all.
Allow them enter your relationship
Don’t you want your bestie to enjoy happiness too? Your partner might still cheat one day. But this way, you get to see and approve who they cheat with.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Nigerians have more faith in the Super Eagles to deliver than they have in the federal government. Football is major to us, and our African Giant ego simply won’t let us see other African countries overshadow us. If the Super Eagles emerge as the winners of the 2023 African Cup of Nations (AFCON) come February 11th, you can expect these behaviours.
Main character syndrome
Nigeria hasn’t won yet, but we’re already the loudest when it comes to fan support on X and IG. If we win, you’ll see brags like, “Only two countries in Africa, Nigeria and the rest.”
Claim amapiano boss
After the embarrassment we faced at the Grammy Awards 2023, Naija fans plan to use our AFCON match against South Africa this evening as a metric for who actually owns Amapiano. If we beat Bafana Bafana and go on to win the Cup, Nigerians will make hits about it on Amapiano beats.
Our Valentine Special is here. We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Federal government eye service
The moment the final whistle blows and Nigeria lifts the AFCON cup, trust the federal government to be all up in our faces with “Well done, boys.”
That’s their incoming bullshit
Ugly trad wear
It’s unclear whether the Nigerian Football Federal (NFF) is working with a small budget or they just have a high taste for ugly traditional wear. But we’re sure the Super Eagles’ final celebration aso-ebi will be more disappointing than the trad they wore at the beginning of the tournament.
Rest in peace to steeze
Peak fooling continua
We’ll use the much-needed win to fool ourselves into forgetting we have a government that needs asskicking.
Guilt-tripping
But there will always be those people who’ll guilt trip others for celebrating the win and remind them about the Nigerian problems we’re trying to escape.
Football kit hike
If we win this tournament, the Nigerian jersey will turn to gold, and vendors will make a fortune off it. Get yours now if you plan to, or these Tinubu prices will surprise you.
Imagine saying “Petit à petit, l’oiseau fait son nid” (little by little, the bird builds its nest) to your friend mid-convo, there will be no arguing your way out that you don’t understand the French language.
As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, it’s probably the only international language you’ll come close to learning. If you’re tired of Duolingo streaks or struggled with French classes in school, you should probably turn to proverbs. They’re fully formed sentences that can improve your knowledge of the language.
We took the trouble of compiling 15 French proverbs and their meanings.
On n’est jamais mieux servi que par soi-même
Translation: You are never served better than by yourself.
Meaning: No one handles your situation better than yourself.
On ne change pas une équipe qui gagne
Translation: One does not change a winning team.
Meaning: There’s no need to fix what isn’t broken.
Il vaut mieux prévenir que guérir
Translation: It is better to prevent than to heal.
Meaning: Better to take precautions than unnecessary risks.
Les chiens ne font pas des chats
Translation: Dogs don’t breed cats.
Meaning: Kids are mostly like their parents.
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Il n’y a que celui qui ne fait rien qui ne se trompe jamais
Translation: Only those who do nothing never fail.
Meaning: Success comes with a lot of failures.
Chat échaudé craint l’eau froide.
Translation: A scalded cat fears cold water.
Meaning: Experience is the best teacher.
Après la pluie, le beau temps
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Translation: After the rain, the good weather.
Meaning: Bad times don’t last; things will eventually get better.
La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid
Translation: Revenge is a dish best-served cold.
Meaning: Don’t plan vengeance in the heat of anger or hurt.
Where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
Il n’y a que la vérité qui blesse
Translation: Only the truth hurts.
Meaning: You’ll only feel hurt if what’s been said is true.
A cheval donné, on ne regarde pas les dents
Translation: When given a horse, don’t look at its teeth.
Meaning: Never refuse an offer or gift given out to you with goodwill.
Vouloir, c’est pouvoir
Translation: To want is to be able to.
Meaning: If you want something bad enough, you’ll do everything possible to get it.
Quand le vin est tiré, il faut le boire
Translation: When the wine is drawn, it must be drunk.
Meaning: There’s no going back after you’ve made a decision.
Il n’y a pas de fumée sans feu
Translation: There is no smoke without fire.
Meaning: There’s always an explanation for everything.
Tout vient à point à qui sait attendre
Translation: All comes on time to the one who knows how to wait.
Meaning: Basically, be patient. Your time will come.
En tout pays, il y a une lieue de mauvais chemin
Translation: In every country, there is an area of bad roads.
Meaning: Even the best things in life come with their challenges.
The race is on. It’s operation “Find love before Valentine’s Day”. Whether you intend to do that by entering someone else’s relationship isn’t the focus today. The focus is making sure your Valentine is a corporate girlie for these key reasons.
You won’t need to go over the top
She’ll be at work on Valentine’s Day, so no need to worry about spending the day at a resort or any crazy thing like that. What about after work, you ask? Traffic and the stress of capitalism will mean all she wants to do is sleep. Same applies to the weekend. Just get her a gift box and call it a day.
Or break the bank
She’ll appreciate anything you give her because she’s working class; she knows what it means to collect salary today and go broke the next.
You can easily be intentional with your gifts
Why buy a corporate girlie flowers when you can gift her a keg of fuel or bag of rice, and she’ll love you forever?
Behold our Valentine Special
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
You’ll get a gift too
One thing about corporate girlies is they aren’t stingy. Even if it’s singlet and boxers they can afford, best believe you’ll get something.
You can cheat in peace
Another good thing about her having to work on Valentine’s Day is you’ll have the time to take your other babes out. The “C” in corporate girlie stands for “considerate”. They just want to see other babes win too.
They won’t have time to cheat
The fact that she even has time to date you with all she has going on is commendable. If she ever gets tired of your cheating ass, she won’t even bother to do you back. She’ll just leave.
You’ll level up by force
How would you be with a corporate girlie and you aren’t killing it in your own field too? They aren’t about the mediocre life. So beyond Valentine’s Day, you’ll definitely level up or go home.
Valentine’s Day will come and go. But you can have an anti-Valentine’s Day, and have a better time than all the lovey-doves out there, with these tips.
Swear off love songs
No space for love songs here. Start by sticking to Omah Lay and Passenger to set the tone.
All-black everything
Be the black sheep of the season while everyone obsesses over red and white. We’re talking all-black everything from your head to your toes. It’s not your concern who thinks you look dangerous; you’re a threat to love.
Behold, our Valentine Special
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
Embrace the single life
No better time to ride harder for singledom than on Valentine’s Day. Opt to work from home and spend the whole day indoors with yourself.
Birds of the same feather
Hit up your fellow Valentine’s Day haters. Miserable loves company, trust me.
Throw a singles-only party
Then all of you should throw the liveliest party to rival whatever the relationship people have going on with their ₦350k flowers.
Stay off the internet
Disconnect for a day so nobody can oppress you.
Go on a solo trip
Channel your inner Pelumi Nubi and create your own adventure.
Forget waxing lyrical in love letters, if you want your sweet and sappy words to send butterflies into the tummy of the LOYL, rom-com speak is where it’s at.
That’s why we combed through the most popular ones for rom-com quotes that’ll have your Valentine weak in the knees. The lines are obviously tested and trusted.
“I burn for you” Daphne, Bridgerton
It’s a simple, straight to the point confession that you’re willing to walk through hellfire for them.
“You’re perfect. Everything about you is perfect” — Isoken, Isoken
If you’re a person of few words, this line packs a punch. Simple, you only have eyes for them in this lifetime and the one beyond.
“Your love is like the wind. I can’t see it but I can feel it.” — Lola, A Million Tears
With this, they’ll know that after God, you’re the only one capable of giving them agape love.
Behold our Valentine Special. We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode
“I’ve come here with no expectations, only to profess now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is, and always will be, yours.” — Mr Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
They shouldn’t have to be in doubt that your heart 100% belongs to them. This quote is just about showing proof.
“I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope and every dream I’ve ever had.” — Noah, The Notebook
In other words, there’s no you without them.
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“I would rather have had one breath of your hair, one kiss from your mouth, one touch of your hand, than eternity without it.” — Nicholas Cage, City of Angels
Another message that tells them life is a vast ocean of nothingness if you’re not the one setting their soul on fire.
“I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.” — Rose, Titanic
Replace Jack with their name, and this message tells them that there’s no principality or weapon fashioned against y’all’s relationship that’ll prosper.
“I’m not a tree; I’m a forest.” — Aminu, The Men’s Club
This is a reminder that you have an endless supply of yourself to give to them.
“You jump, I jump.” — Rose, Titanic
You go where they go. Even to the afterlife…
“When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want that moment to start as soon as possible.” — Harry, When Harry Met Sally
It’s the perfect message to send when you suddenly realise they’re the missing puzzle in your life.
My life changed forever on the night of March 11, 2012. That was the night my dad died while trying to cross the road, unaware that he was walking directly into the path of an okada with no headlights. My housemistress told me the news the next day at school. I was 13, and I was shattered.
I was a proper daddy’s girl. Of my parents’ two girls, I was the one who looked most like him. I was also the only child for the first ten years of my life. There are stories of how, as a toddler, I’d follow my dad everywhere, even to the toilet. I rarely let my mum pick me up. It was always “my daddy”.
I think my mum started to resent how close I was to him. As I grew older, I began to call my dad “my love” because that’s what he called me too. My mum would make offhand remarks about how I was ganging up with her husband against her or how I came to steal her husband, and my dad would laugh over it.
Most times, the remarks had a tense undertone. Especially when she tried to flog me whenever I was naughty, and I’d run to my dad for help. He preferred to punish by taking away my toys and talking things over. To my mum, he was just spoiling me, and they clashed over it regularly.
Maybe he did spoil me, but I preferred hanging out with him. I even used to run away from the sitting room once I heard my mum returning home from her shop because she always seemed angry. When she gave birth to my sister, it was like they divided the children among themselves. I was daddy’s girl, and my sister was mummy’s girl. So, it all worked out.
Then my dad died, and it felt like my person had left. I didn’t really have a relationship with my mother, so I couldn’t process my grief with her. I’m not even sure how she processed hers. She just cried for a few days and kept to herself. When the relatives and mourners finally left our house after the burial, all that was left was empty silence. My sister was three years old and didn’t really understand what was happening.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to navigate the silence for long because I returned to boarding school. But whenever I was home, the silence was there. When we weren’t silent, she was scolding me for one thing or the other. I either didn’t sweep well enough or didn’t mop the way she would have.
I finished secondary school in 2014 and returned home to pursue a university admission. 2014 was also the year my mum remarried. Two months before the wedding, she called me and my little sister to the sitting room and told us we’d have a new daddy soon. I’m not sure I felt anything about it.
We met the man that week, and he seemed nice enough. The only thing on my mind was gaining admission and leaving them to it.
But admission didn’t come easy. I failed JAMB and had to wait an extra year at home. While I waited, I attended tutorial classes from morning to evening, and by the time I returned home at 6 p.m., it was usually just me and my mum’s husband. That was when he’d return from work, too, while my mum stayed at her shop till around 9 p.m. My sister’s school bus would drop her at the shop, so they always came home together.
The arrangement worked at first. I’d return home, cook dinner and serve her husband before going to my room for the rest of the night. But he started dropping comments like, “Why are you running to your room? Come and spend time with me.” Other times, he’d encourage me to greet him with hugs since “I’m like your dad.” I found the whole thing weird and just kept my distance.
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I finally gained admission in 2015. A week before I had to resume at the university, this man tried to rape me. That day, when he returned home from work, he tried to get me to hug him as usual, but I politely laughed it off and returned to my room.
A few minutes later, he called out to me to pick something from his room. I actually thought he was outside, but I entered the room, and he suddenly appeared from behind the door. It’s still a bit triggering to think about how he tried to pin me down and cover my screams with his lips and whispers of “Don’t be a baby, now.”
I’m not sure how I managed to escape. I must’ve kicked him because, one minute, he was on top of me, and the next, he was on the ground. I ran out of the house to our street junction to wait for my mum.
When I eventually saw her, I ran to her and narrated the whole thing. She was visibly shocked and even started crying. She led me back home and confronted her husband. The man denied the whole thing and claimed I ran out of the house because he caught me with a boy. He swore up and down that he’d never try such and I was just making things up.
My mum believed him. There was nothing she didn’t say to me that night. How I didn’t want her to enjoy her home. How I’d never been in support of her marriage. How I’d grown to be a liar and prostitute.
To this day, I don’t know if she truly believed I was capable of such a lie, or was simply choosing to make herself believe what she desperately wanted to be true.
I decided to avoid her husband as best as I could while I counted the days before I could leave for uni. The plan was to stay out all evening till my mum returned at night. But the first day I did that, he reported me to my mum, saying I didn’t cook his dinner. She warned me to never let that repeat itself, and that’s when I knew I had to find a way out.
Behold our Valentine Special. We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode.
The next day, after they’d gone out, I took some clothes, my school documents and the ₦68k my mum hid somewhere and travelled to the state my university was located. It was about three days to resumption, and I didn’t have a plan or anywhere to stay.
But I got to the university in the evening and met some fellowship people on campus who were trying to mobilise fresh students. I told them I didn’t have anywhere to stay. They let me sleep in the fellowship hall for two days before their other members resumed, and I went to stay with one of them at their hostel.
My mum called me the day I left, screaming and calling me a thief. That went on for about two minutes before I ended the call. She didn’t even bother to ask where I was, and she never called back. Maybe she thinks I followed my imaginary boyfriend.
I haven’t seen or spoken to her since 2015. I survived the years at school with the fellowship’s help and the little money I made from making people’s hair, a skill I learnt in boarding school.
I found my sister by chance on Facebook in 2023, and reached out. Our first call was so awkward because we had almost nothing to say. I wasn’t surprised to hear that my mum had fed her with stories of how I stole her money and ran away to destroy my life. We chat occasionally.
At least, I know my mum is still alive and married to that man. But she’s dead to me. I’m not sure if we’ll ever unpack everything that went wrong between us or if I’ll ever be willing to do so.
I don’t even know how to ask my sister if he ever tried to abuse her too. I feel like I abandoned her, but I also know there wasn’t much I could do but save myself. I consciously try to push the whole experience to the back of my mind. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to work through it.
We’ve established that Nigerian kids were crackheads growing up, because how else do you explain setting the house on fire and going to bed?
Now that these problem kids of yesterday have grown into the adults of today, the only question that comes to mind is: What dumb shit are they doing now?
We have the answers.
Someone needs to check on this brother
For food only
A finished man
Welcome to Spiderman
At your big age?
You don’t fear for your life
You like prison???
E really won wound you
Have you seen our Valentine’s Day special??! We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
Are you single due to no fault of your own (village people) or due to a fault of your own (madness, bad behaviour, selfishness, gaslighting, girl bossing, gatekeeping, inability to be someone’s peace, inability to piss one place make e foam — i.e. cheating) and will therefore spend this Valentine’s day alone snarling at couples in real life and online out of intense levels of jealousy unseen since Cain killed Abel?
If your answer to all that was yes, here are five ways to change your miserable fate.
Go to therapy.
The reason you’ve been unable to get anyone to love you could be because you have issues that can only be solved with the help of a mental health professional. Use the 14 days you have left between the time this article is being written and Valentine’s Day to find a therapist (or two, depending on the severity of your issues) and get to work. You don’t have time to ease into it, so you should be ready to vomit all your trauma onto that therapist’s floor during your first session.
If you’re lucky, someone will notice that you’ve changed and pick — you, choose you, love — you to do “my view, their view” with this year.
Try church.
Churches are full of people trying to better themselves, so you’ll fit right in. Just be sure not to drop the problems you showed up with and leave with someone else’s. For example, say you’re there to shake off the spiritual spouse you didn’t know tethered itself to you the time you gave your celebrity crush gluck-gluck sloppy-toppy 3000 in a dream. Don’t leave there with another demon that has no interest in you or your genitals and just wants to cause chaos.
It’s time to shine your spiritual eye.
Do juju.
Don’t make that face, ok? Deep down, you always knew it would come to this. You’re gonna find a way to get a lock of hair from your crush and take it to a Babalawo so they can jazz the person into liking you back. Contrary to popular belief, Babalawos are no longer hard to find. Hell, half the time, they’ll do the hard work by seeking you out.
Hijack someone’s proposal.
People have gotten engaged so much since November last year that I wondered if the rapture was coming and single people would be left behind. My point is that it shouldn’t be hard to find a proposal taking place. Find one, threaten one of them at gunpoint to leave and never return. Then take their place. Simple. Use the gun to get the other person to stay with you until Valentine’s Day.
Join a throuple.
If using violence or juju isn’t your thing, find a relationship that’s already in full gear and convince them to take you in by reciting Nicki Minaj’s second verse in the song Hey Mama. If it’s good enough for the white gays, it’s good enough for you.
Have you seen Elsa Majimbo’s glow lately? The melanin is popping, her Kenyan meets American accent has fans in a chokehold, and our girl be out here narrating her life like a telenovela, all while slathering on shea butter like it’s going out of style. She’s showing us how to give our skin some much-needed TLC.
If you’re still conflicted about how to give your melanin skin the glow it deserves, you should take notes.
Show some skin
Even though you’re doing it for you, people of the world have to witness the result of all the hard work you put into looking this good. Spaghetti tops, off-shoulder cuts, crop tops and mini skirts should be your go-to fits.
Use shea butter
Our forefathers were on to something when they coined the iconic “Black and Shine” term. But Elsa knows the shine doesn’t happen by accident. It happens by deliberately slathering shea butter everywhere. Your neck, shoulders, arms, belly, armpit, EVERYWHERE.
When people see your picture and drop comments like, “Even if you’re plantain”, you know you’ve done a good job.
And top with Vaseline for extra shine
You don’t stop at shea butter. You have to go in with a generous scoop of petroleum jelly everywhere, to make up for spots you might’ve missed when you applied shea butter.
Don’t forget the body oil
In case you’re not paying attention, “too much shine” isn’t a concept in Elsa’s books. It’s the only reason why body oil is a must in a lineup that already has shea butter and petroleum jelly.
Throw in some glossy lip finish
You’ll never catch Elsa with a no-shine, non-glossy lip finish. So, leave that matte. You don’t want to have em lips looking ashy while rocking the shiny body of a black goddess.
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The body mists
You don’t want to be the black and shine that walks into a room smelling like day-old akara oil. Instead, you want compliments that go from “You’re glowing” to “You smell so nice”. That right there is the power of layering. So, on top of all that butter and oil, throw in a generous razzle dazzle of body mist.
And some perfume too
Surely, you know Elsa doesn’t leave her business in only one capable hand. If the duo of shea butter and vaseline for shine weren’t enough, why should body mists for scent be? Exactly. Layer that shit up with some perfume that leaves you smelling like money itself.
Contrary to what the internet will have you believe, you don’t have to break the bank before you can afford intentional and thoughtful gifts. We’ll help you figure out some ideas for the categories of people in your life.
Nine-to-fiver
If the recipient is a guy with a 9-5 corporate shirts, ties, shoes, belts, cufflinks, socks will do. For babes, work clothes, a pair of cute slippers, notepads or journals are intentional gifts. Every time they wear and use these things, they’ll think of you.
What a belt!
Content creator
If they create content, buy them studio props and decors and book an aesthetic studio for them to shoot their content.
You can also consider giving them a gimbal, phone vlog video kit, ring light, lapel mic, tripod, drone and 99 other equipment options.
Additionally, paying the subscriptions for the work apps they use like CapCut, PremierePro, Da Vinci Resolve e.t.c. is such an intentional move.
Entrepreneur
If you’re looking to excite an entrepreneur with gifts, acquire a business registration form from CAC to surprise them (if they don’t have it). You can also make their business logo, fliers, business card or pay for their business merch. Branding and sponsored ads are great gifts that’ll boost their business too. They’ll love it.
Reader
A Kindle book is to a reader what a laptop is to a tech-bro. It’s a wireless, electronic reading device with access to more than three million books. As the saying goes, a reader is a leader. Invest in making your loved one a better leader today.
Gym rat
Get them gym wear, running shoes, dumbbells, etc. For more privacy, set up a home gym. Now they can work out any time they like.
Additionally, leave a 12-month down payment at their favourite fruits store or seller to cover their fruit supplies. Do this and you and their smoothie will be their favourites.
Valentine’s Day is a few weeks away, and if you’re conflicted about the gifts that’ll have the recipient grinning from mouth to ear, we’ve got you covered. You won’t find a more comprehensive list.
Valentine’s Day Gifts for Men
Men can act like they don’t care, but trust us when we say these gift ideas for men will answer their many “God when?” questions.
An underwear set
Forget all the bashing on social media, men appreciate underwear. Just go the extra mile by getting the best quality and designer brands.
Hard currency
With a dollar selling for ₦1500 at the parallel market? See, that man will love you forever. You just made offsetting some of his bills easier.
Cook-a-storm
There’s something they say about men and the way to their hearts. If Hilda Baci cooked for 100 hours, double the number up and fill his refrigerator with all sorts of local and intercontinental delicacies.
A spa appointment
Nigerian men are seeing shege seven days of the week in Tinubu’s era. A fully paid spa session will show him how thoughtful you are.
A customized jersey
If he loves football, the only other way to his heart apart from food might be his club’s original jersey that comes with his name on it.
Valentine’s Day Gifts for Women
If you don’t know, Nigerian women are tired of plastic flowers and all the other low-effort gifts that show zero intentionality. Consider these Valentine’s gift ideas for women in Tinubu’s Nigeria and the flames of their love will burn hotter than an agbado grill.
A pasta date
Nigerian women love their pasta. Whether it’s creamy, bolognese, stir fry or village, just make sure pasta is on the restaurant menu as you plan to make that dinner reservation for two.
Hair
Nigerian women are tired of the long hours required at hair salons, hence the love for wigs. So, add another quality wig to her collection; she can never have too much of it.
A romantic getaway
Your woman deserves to see the world and who best to make it happen? It doesn’t even have to be Santorini or The Maldives, she’ll take a trip to Benin Republic or Ghana, as long as it’s well thought out.
Jewellery
When you think of jewellery as an investment option for your woman, you’ll be open to spending millions on their collection. And she’ll appreciate you for giving her a safety net. For starters, consider VanCleef.
A year’s worth supply of sanitary pad
Sanitary pads have joined the inflation race. For an essential need that needs to be replaced every month, you’ll be taking a huge burden off her finances.
Valentine’s Day Gift for Friends
We’ve already established that Valentine’s Day isn’t just about couples. Your platonic relationships should also enjoy some attention and there’s no better way than surprising your friends with a Valentine’s Day gift. If you’re conflicted on what to buy, these suggestions should get you started.
A photoshoot session
We need to normalize friends hitting the studio for professionally shot portraits. Not every time couples and birthday celebrants. Friends have memories that must be preserved too.
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A personalised hamper
Hampers don’t have to go out during the Christmas season alone. Curate a personalised hamper and include items that show you know your friends better than the lines on your palm.
Or a personalised photobook
After your family members and lover, you most likely have the most shared memories with your friends. Show them just how much these moments mean to you by documenting them in a photobook. They might cringe at first, but don’t worry, it’ll be one of those things they’ll cling to when japa comes between y’all.
A weekend getaway
A day or two to do batshit crazy things with friends? Yes, please. Tell them to pack their bags and join you in a short-let apartment you’ve paid for. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen on Valentine’s Day, especially if it falls on a work day. You could push for the weekend right after.
Valentine’s Day Gift for Family
So you want to make it an extra special celebration of love by including your family members? So sweet. Consider these Valentine’s Day gift ideas.
A family portrait
If y’all don’t already have one, now’s the perfect time to drag everybody to a studio. By everybody we mean the grandparents, the parents, siblings, grandkids and great-grandkids. Send a personal framed copy to all the adults on Valentine’s Day.
Family house makeover
If you and your siblings have moved out of your parent’s home, that place becomes your family house. Surprise your parents and siblings by giving the house a proper makeover that’ll make it a cute spot for when y’all are around.
Or a land to build one
Especially if your parents stay in a rented apartment. Join hands with your siblings and make it the family project that tightens the bond between y’all.
Personalised gift box
Imagine the joy you’ll spark in each of your family members when a dispatch rider calls them on Valentine’s Day to deliver the special box from you. You can go the extra mile by including a handwritten note in each box.