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Inside Life | Page 13 of 126 | Zikoko!
  • The Best Times to Break up With Your Partner

    Break-ups are hard, so if you must end your relationship, make sure you do it one of these 11 times. 

    End of the year 

    Everyone knows December is the best time to cut people off. Make sure you do it early enough, so they can use Christmas jekuje to get over you. 

    January 

    If you couldn’t break up with your partner in December, try January. They’ll be too busy trying to survive the month to hate you, and they’ll not expect any Valentine package from you. 

    Valentine’s Day 

    Imagine being dumped on lover’s day? They’ll see the humour in it in the future. And whenever someone asks them what they got on that year’s Valentine, they can say breakfast. 


    RELATED: 7 Sure Ways To Surprise Your Partner This Valentine’s Day 


    Your birthday 

    Because no one said you couldn’t break up with them on your own birthday. Make sure you collect your gift before you tell them you’re not doing again sha.

    Relationship anniversary 

    Wait till your anniversary and break up. This way, they won’t associate the break up date with bad memories alone. 

    House party 

    We all know Nigerians must play truth or dare at parties. Choose “truth” when it’s your turn, and tell them you’re not doing again. 


    RELATED: Think Out of the Box With These Date Night “Truth or Dare” Questions 


    Independence day 

    Because how can you be celebrating independence while you’re living in bondage? 

    On a Monday 

    They already don’t like Mondays, so what’s a little heartbreak to go with it? We advise you pick one close to month end, so they’d have money to get comfort food

    April fool’s day 

    So if they ask you to return all the gifts they’ve given, you can say it was a prank. 

    On a Sunday 

    Tell them you saw it in a revelation, simple. They won’t even try to argue with you because what good partner asks you to disobey God?

    At a wedding

    That way, they can easily find your replacement there. 

    Start here: 7 Things To Do Before You Break Up With Someone


    Read the first HustlePrint here

  • Everyone in Nigeria Is a Victim of These 10 Scams 

    If there’s anything Nigerians pride themselves in, it’s the ability to ‘tear eye’ and not be taken for a ride. But sometimes, things happen, and you realise you’ve been lied to, scammed, hoodwinked, bamboozled. 

    The truth is, with these ten things, you’re not the bad guy you think you are. Someone is using you and your money to catch serious cruise.

    Bubu, the bad boy

    Number one on the list. Because why is the president of an entire nation going up and down, cosplaying Ajala the traveller? Why is big daddy B giving us snapchat filtered money instead of the better economy he promised?

    Paying VAT at restaurants

    They say it’s value-added tax, but value added to what and why?

    The new naira notes

    A moment of silence for the old naira notes, please. They’ll be sorely missed. Now, to these powerpuff girls notes Meffy baby decided to make. No redesign, no nothing, just colouring pencil and vibes of the highest order.

    Bank charges

    It doesn’t matter if the charges are for ATM card maintenance or SMS, or simply moving your money around a bit. Your bank charging you ₦50 now and again cannot be normal. 

    Health insurance

    Yes, you’re insuring your health, but what does that really mean? You’re basically placing a bet and playing 2-odds every month. Will I fall sick? Will I not fall sick? 

    Lagos nightlife

    Between the overpriced everything and the unnecessary body contact in this Rona’s era, it’s too much of a high risk, low reward. Yes, you had a good-ass time, but now, you’re clutching your head from a hangover, red account balance and that loud-ass music, and for what?

    RECOMMENDED: When We Say Eat the Rich, These Are the People We’re Talking About

    Chapman at restaurants 

    Honestly, all the drinks at restaurants are scams, but the Chapman has to be the worst.  ₦3k – ₦5k  on a cup filled with ice, a quarter of a lemon and a ₦150 bottle of Chapman? Is my daddy Dangote? 

    Instagram ‘thrift’ stores

    It’s the rebrand for us because why do we have to fork out ₦3k and above for one okrika dress?

    The price of bras

    You didn’t ask your titties to titty the way they do. Even if you did, why do you have to pay with your blood and sweat just to buy a bra that loves them the way it’s supposed to?

    Weddings

    We should abolish weddings. You have to pay extra for regular makeup and gele because you’re getting married? Then you’ll still entertain your guests by dancing like you’re at a children’s party? Absolutely not.

  • 7 Things You Need to Do Before January Ends

    There’s only one day left in the first month of 2023. But you still have enough time to do these seven life-changing things and make the rest of the year soft for you.

    Give up on your New Year’s resolutions

    The first month has almost ended, and you’ve still not started spending wisely. Just give up on the resolution already. This life na one. 

    Finish your salary

    January money is January money. It really has no business following you into February. Blow your money before February so you can start the new month on a fresh slate.

    Leave the streets

    If you want to get booed up on Valentine’s Day, start searching now. We can’t be singing “Valentine is coming” again for you this year. Step up, please. But hold your money sha, because love costs a lot these days.

    Break up with your partner

    If you don’t have money, there’s billing ahead. So save your pocket by scattering the relationship right now so it doesn’t look fishy. You can always get back together when Valentine’s Day has passed. In this life, you have to have sense.

    Collect your PVC

    It’s up to you to choose who you think will show us the least shege for the next four years. And the only way you can do that is with your PVC. Go and get yours so you know you did your best no matter what happens.

    Find a sugar guardian

    If you’ve decided you want this year to be soft but don’t want to pay for it, just look for someone who wants to adopt a sugar baby. Trust me, it’s not that hard.

    Start another career

    Can you buy Benz with the 9-to-5 you’re doing right now? If you can, do giveaway. But if you can’t, maybe you should change careers so you can experience some softness for a change. We’ll tell you the best ones out there and how to break into them. All you have to do is read HustlePrint.

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)


    NEXT READ: How to Find a Sugar Mummy Before You’re Old Enough to Be a Sugar Daddy


  • Where to Find a Billionaire Who’ll Spend Money on You

    Finding a billionaire is hard enough; finding one who’ll willingly spend their hard and soft currency on you is even harder. That’s why we used all the tools in our arsenal to curate a list of places you’ll find these specific class of philanthropic billionaires. No need to thank us, we’re just being nice. 

    Babalawo’s shrine 

    The babalawo’s shrine is where you’ll meet the up-and-coming billionaires, people who’re there for money rituals, yahoo ++ and other things. You get to invest right before they blow. And when they do, you’ve bagged yourself a billionaire who’s gonna take care of you. Forget what people say about networking in country clubs, the shrine is the best place to network. 

    Someone’s village 

    People always claim there are lowkey billionaires, richer than Dangote, in their villages. Those billionaires? You must jam them by force. 

    RELATED: 11 Signs You’re Not Ready to Be a Billionaire

    Marine kingdom 

    One thing about the bad bitches in the marine kingdom is they’ll never go for a broke guy. If you join them, you’ll get access to their elite list of billionaires whose lives you can destroy. 

    Stand on a bad road and hawk oranges 

    Now, if Nollywood has taught us anything, it’s that billionaires like orange sellers. However, for this to properly work, you have to hawk on a road that’s notorious for spoiling cars. When your billionaire parks to buy your oranges, their car will suddenly refuse to start working. Offer to fix it and gbam, billionaire secured. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Nigerian Billionaire Are You?

    Hell

    Since billionaires never make heaven, you’ll definitely find many in hell. So go to one of those people who take excursions to heaven and hell and ask them what airline they use to visit hell.  When you get there, ask the dearly departed billionaires how you can date and marry the ones they left on Earth. 

    Any 60th birthday party 

    If you see anyone throwing a 60th birthday party, better attend. There’s something about people who celebrate their 60th birthdays and that thing is wealth. Either you catch the eye of the billionaire celebrant or one of their billionaire friends in attendance. 

    Twitter

    People on that app are always claiming to know one or two billionaires personally. Snoop around and get to befriending. There’s no mercy for money, so find all the people findable and collect all their money. 

    RELATED: Quiz: Do You Even Have What it Takes to Be a Nigerian Billionaire? 

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)

  • How to Get Your Sugar Mummy to Pay for Your Wedding

    There comes a time in a sugar baby’s life when they realise they need to settle down and get married… to someone their age. Since weddings are expensive, and you don’t have the funds, here’s how to convince your sugar mummy to pay for everything. 

    Make her the chief bridesmaid 

    She’ll have a sense of duty to the event, and her purse will overflow. Plus, if she’s playing such a big role in the wedding, her rich friends would come too, and that means more money for you. 

    You had a dream

    Tell her you had a dream her life changed for the better after she sponsored your wedding. You can say you asked her for it as a favour, and when she refused, God used the bitterness in your heart to punish her. Nothing too extreme. Just say enough for her to agree to finance your entire wedding. 

    RELATED: 7 Important Qualities to Look Out for in a Sugar Mummy

    It’s a school project 

    You know how education keeps evolving? Well, your school gave you an assignment to throw a successful wedding plus reception. Tell her you’ll fail and drop out if she doesn’t finance it. If you’re not in school, you’re taking a new online course. 

    Her marriage inspired you 

    Not all sugar mummies are married, but if yours happens to be, then use it to your advantage. Her marriage is an inspiration and you want to know what marital bliss feels like. Sure, she’s cheating, but that doesn’t mean her marriage isn’t great. 

    If she’s not married, marry her

    The easiest way to get her to pay for your wedding is by making her the bride. Do you think she’ll let her wedding be done anyhow? Of course not. Wedding of the century. 

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide to Finding a Nigerian Sugar Mummy 

    Or marry her child

    She’ll have no choice but to finance the entire wedding. It’s called strategic positioning. 

    Remind her that her reputation is at stake 

    People already associate you with her, so if you have a rubbish wedding, it’ll reflect poorly on her. There’ll be rumours about how she’s going broke and society will shun her. If your wedding isn’t grand, she might as well vanish from society. 

    Work overtime 

    Approach it from a business perspective. Show her a plan on how you’ll use your body to repay your debt. Work smarter, not harder. 

    RELATED: How to Get a Sugar Mummy Before You’re Old Enough to Be a Sugar Daddy

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
  • Do These 10 Things to Avoid Abandoning Your FitFam Goals After January

    Year after year, you start January in the gym with ginger and vim to look like a Marvel avenger. And year after year, you disappear from the gym before February even starts booting. Yes, we know all of you. 

    As Zikoko’s resident gym bro, I’m here to take these shackles off your feet so you can dance squat. Follow these tips if you’re tired of living a fake gym life and ready to achieve your fitness goals for real. 

    Marry your trainer or the owner of the gym 

    Why adopt the fitfam life when you can literally marry into it. If paying money isn’t enough of a commitment to keep you in the gym, then getting married to someone who works there will motivate you to take it seriously this year. After all, a couple that gyms together can break both spiritual and physical yokes against your fitness goals. Amen? 

    Find a babalawo to bury your destiny under the gym 

    Motivation is sweet, but using juju is sweeter. Find the closest babalawo, preferably one who works out (so he can have perspective), and get him to put your destiny in a groundnut bottle you can bury at your gym. This way, the gym will be on your mind 24/7. 

    Pay for a whole year 

    Will you run away from the gym after paying for a whole year? I doubt it. Even if you don’t spend the entire year on the treadmill, that debit alert will haunt and ginger you to spend at least three months in the gym. 

    Break up with your lover today

    No amount of pre-workout, energy drinks or coffee will fuel your workout like severe heartbreak. The pain of leaving a relationship for the confusion and stress of the streets will have you at the gym at 6 a.m. squatting 220 kg with nary a belt in sight. 

    Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast, so why not speed up your own breakfast for the greater good. 

    Start a part-time job as a bouncer 

    The reason you’re not taking the gym seriously is because it’s not part of your job requirements. Didn’t we all learn how to navigate Zoom, Airtable and Notion during the pandemic? One way to commit to the gym this year is by starting a job that requires you to be there 24/7. Have you seen a bouncer without bulging muscles? Neither have I. Do with that information what you will. 

    RECOMMENDED: All the Ways to Lose Weight Without Going to the Gym

    Think of all the bed-breaking sex you’ll have 

    Research has it that people who work out last longer in bed. Yes, this is the one I knew you’d like. If you want marathon sex, you must be prepared to run a marathon on the treadmill first. You can’t reap where you didn’t sow. 

    Quit your job 

    If you’re always complaining about your job holding you back from living your best fitfam life, then it’s time to quit. Yes, you might be broke and start begging for money on the streets, but at least you’ll be consistent in the gym. My dear, a win is a win. 

    Find a house close to the gym 

    Why is your gym two buses and a donkey ride away from where you live? See, to excel at this gym thing, you need to live opposite, beside, adjacent, under or on top of a gym. It doesn’t matter what position you take in this arrangement. Please, just be close to the gym. 

    Go for deliverance

    Once again, what God cannot do does not exist. The spirit of abandoning the gym can be broken by some Goya oil and a little dry fast. Go to Shiloh if you must

    Just move into the gym 

    If you’ve tried everything else on this list and nothing stuck, then my dear, I believe it’s time to try something extreme. But not to worry, I have this one final tip. You can’t escape the Smith machine or dumbbells when they’re your roommates. Give this some serious thought. 

    ALSO READ: The 7 Ghetto Struggles of Resuming the Gym After Taking a Long Break 

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
  • Staring Contests and Other Ways To Slide Into the DMs

    Starting a conversation with hi, hello, and its variations just doesn’t cut it anymore. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spice? Where’s the oomph?

    Valentine is coming, and you can still make it into team “me and mine”. Use these 7 ways to slide into those DMs with a certain je ne sais quoi.

    Stand-up comedy

    Make like Trevor Noah and host your own comedy show in the DMs. Make sure they know the show is just for them then wait for one of your jokes to hit.

    Dance your way in

    Pull on your white socks and gloves. Do your best Poco Lee impression and gbese your way into those DMs. 

    Like all their pictures

    Tried and tested, guaranteed to work. Scroll all the way to the last picture on their page and start there. Like at least half the pictures then close your phone and wait for the fruit of your labour to come.

    Blow powder

    Why do the sliding when you can make them slide in. You get me? Go to the shops and buy dusting powder, rub it on your palm, then do fuu-fuu on their page.

    Manifestation

    For this one, planning is key. Pick a free day, sit down in your room and just stare at their social media page. Keep looking until they feel it where they are and send you the DM.

    Serenade them

    It doesn’t matter whether you have a good voice or not. It’s the thought that counts. Send a voice note singing Bella Shmurda and Omah Lay’s Philo (the most romantic song ever), and watch them fall for you.

    Anon 

    Go to their favourite vendor and open a tab for them. Watch them do Gulder Ultimate Search to find you.

  • How to Find a Family That’ll Pay You to Break up With Their Child 

    In Nollywood romcoms, certain families hate when their child dates someone they think isn’t fit for them. They try to bribe the person to leave their child, but the person always says no. LOL, how stupid. 

    The economy is tough, and you must be looking for how to make money. So let’s help you meet these families and make better decisions than those fictional characters. 

    Make a rich person fall in love with you 

    Not just a regular rich person o. Specifically, someone who’s from: 1) a royal family, 2) a political family, 3) a family with some sort of high status and is always in the media, or 4) a family with generational wealth.

    Be part of the family’s domestic staff

    Make sure you already work as the family gardener or cleaner. Once the parents realise it’s you their son is falling in love with, they’ll be afraid of public disgrace and try to get rid of you quietly. This is where the money comes in.

    Act very poor

    These types of families don’t like to associate with poverty except when it’s charity. Once they see you’re poor, they’ll want to get rid of you fast so their rich status won’t be ruined. And their answer will always be to pay their way out of it by giving you a huge sum of money to leave their child alone. 

    Be a gold digger 

    Wealthy people hate when people use them for their money. Make it obvious their child spends lavishly on you and you love it so much. Ask the child for ridiculous amounts of money in front of them. Once they think you’re only there for financial gain, they’ll hate you. Next things, they’ll try to send you away by bribing you with the same money you keep asking for, hoping that as a gold digger, you’ll gladly accept it. And they’ll be right. 

    Be badly behaved 

    Once you’re settled in the relationship, act like a child without home training. Be disrespectful; Don’t greet, answer questions rudely, dress inappropriately, etc. Don’t do it so much that the child would want to break up with you. Do it in a way that the family dislikes you, but because their child likes you, they’ll pretend to like you too. But try to pay you off in secret. 

    Embarrass yourself on social media 

    When it comes to these types of families, you can only post pictures and videos of yourself smiling (in “appropriate” clothes) on social media. Anything more than that and you became an embarrassment. So you don’t even have to do too much. Just post videos of yourself doing skits, and they’ll immediately think you’re not suitable for their child. 

    Or just be normal 

    Wealthy people always think their children should date people of the same or higher financial or social status. As the daughter of Chief Nkwobi, you can’t marry Rafieus the KPMG accountant. So if you’re a normal person from a middle-class family, they’ll say you’re not good enough for their child. And try to use money to make you go away. 

    Embarrass them in public

    Everybody fears public embarrassment but nobody fears it more than rich people who have a reputation to protect. Do one small embarrassing thing while you’re with them outside, and they’ll want you out of their life for good. 

    ALSO: 9 Reasons Why You Should Allow Your Nigerian Parents Pick Your Partner

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)

  • How to Get Your Boss to Forget About You and Stop Giving You Work

    They may deny it, but managers just love to give certain people almost all the work, as if they’re the only staff in the entire office. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s part of their job description or not. 

    If this is you and you’re sick of it, do these things to make sure your manager stops now.  

    Use jazz 

    Tell your babalawo to do an incantation that’ll erase your name from your boss’ memory every time they’re looking for someone to assign work to. The jazz has to be done well, if not they’ll also forget your name when it’s time for promotion. 

    Do a terrible job 

    Any time they give you work, do a terrible job. Do the opposite of what they ask, submit late, submit incomplete work, act like you didn’t get the assignment, etc. Eventually, they’ll get frustrated. You may get fired sha, so be ready for that too. 

    Quit 

    This may be the most efficient way to get your boss to forget about you. If you’re not an employee of the company, they can’t give you work. 

    Beg them to leave you alone 

    Be dramatic about it. Go down on your knees or roll on the floor and cry. They need to know how bad it is. Maybe then they’ll leave you alone. 

    Give them back their work 

    When they give you the work, tell them you need their help because you can’t understand it. Act confused until they do it themselves or assign it to someone else. Do this consistently, and they’ll stop thinking about you when it’s time to assign a task. Or they’ll see you as incompetent and fire you.

    Air their life 

    When they text or call you for work, don’t answer. Air them every single time and say you didn’t see the call or message. 

    Remind them your colleague is less busy 

    Sometimes, they forget there are other employees in the company, so they need to be reminded. Tell them Chidozie has been pressing phone since morning while you’ve been doing ten million things. 

    Report them to your Nigerian mother 

    Nigerian mothers don’t like seeing their children stressed (except they’re the ones doing the stressing). If your mother finds out about your boss, she’d be quick to call and change it for them. They’ll never call your name again. 

    ALSO READ: These Are the Obvious Signs You’re in Love With Your Boss

    Coming to you next week (January 31st, 2023)
  • What to Do With Your Hands When Posing for Pictures

    The question on everyone’s mind when they’re getting their pictures taken is, “What should I do with my hands?” Never fear, best in photography and posing activities, Zikoko, is here to save the day. 

    Put your hands on your head

    This way, your hands aren’t only occupied, but you’ll look like what you’re going through. Let everyone see the picture and know the case is critical and you need help.

    Make the sign of the cross

    You have to protect yourself from all your village people. Who knows which evil spirit or eyes are looking at your picture? The sign will ward off the bad energy. 

    Do as if you’re praying

    Put your hands together in front of you. It’s so God doesn’t harshly judge the souls of those who’ll commit sin in their hearts once they see your pictures. 

    Put your hands on your waist 

    Remember when we used to put our hands on our waist to take pictures as children? Well, maybe it’s time we brought it back. You’ll reconnect with your inner child and keep your hands busy. 

    Pull your ears

    Not only does this prove you’re invested in finally hearing word, but it gives your face a unique structure.

    RELATED: Zikoko Hack: How to Scare Nigerians

    Put a finger in your mouth

    Channel your inner Nollywood bad gyal and bite your finger. If it doesn’t feel good enough, bite the whole hand. Don’t let anyone stop you from living your best life.

    Plug your ears 

    You won’t hear anything the haters say about your drip.  

    Leave them by your side 

    Instead of thinking of which poses will work well with your outfit, lighting and angles, just leave the hands by your side. It’s a little serious, but it’ll never go out of style. 

    READ ALSO: 8 Extremely Honest and Helpful Mini Skirt Tips

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)
  • Places to Work From When You’re Tired of Working From Home

    Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead. 

    The beach

    Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for. 

    Bukka

    The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Working From Home

    Church

    When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire. 

    Forest 

    If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert. 

    RELATED: How Are Young Nigerians Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022

    On an okada 

    How else will you prove you can work under pressure and in a fast-paced environment?

    Your secondary school

    Remind yourself where you’re coming from and let it motivate you to keep pushing. Life’s tough, but you’re tougher. 

    Filling station

    Buy fuel and knock some tasks off of your to-do list. It’s killing two birds with one stone. 

    RELATED: 8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your House

  • Interview With PVC: Pick Me, I Am Your Beans

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Zikoko is on a queue, waiting for their turn to pick up their PVC when they start hearing voices.

    Unknown voice: Zikoko! 

    Zikoko: Who’s calling my name? 

    Unknown voice: Zikoko!

    Zikoko: (looking up) Father, father, speak, for your servant is listening. 

    Unknown voice: Look down, you idiot.

    Zikoko: Satan? I know I’ve done some questionable things, but ah ah? 

    Unknown voice: It’s not Satan. It’s me, PVC. 

    Zikoko looks down and notices a card on the floor. They pick it up, and it’s someone’s PVC. 

    Zikoko: What’re you doing on the floor? 

    PVC: I fell from someone’s pocket. 

    Zikoko: How do you know who I am? 

    PVC: You cause chaos in the human world, you cause confusion in the land of objects. Who doesn’t know you?

    Zikoko: We don’t want Meffy to know us please…. 

    PVC: I think we should focus on my solvable problems. I tried reaching out to you last week, but I couldn’t get to you. I think meeting your right now is an act of divine intervention. 

    Zikoko: Yeah, sorry about last week. I briefly got kidnapped, but I’m okay. What’d you want to talk to me about? 

    PVC: Once again, thank you for the opportunity.  I’m here because there’s fire on the mountain. Plenty of fire, and it’s hot. 

    Zikoko: What’s burning? 

    PVC: There’s no other way to explain it. Do you know what’s happening on the 31st? 

    Zikoko: Some people’s salary day? 

    PVC: Yes, but also, it’s the deadline for picking up PVCs. 

    Zikoko: Yeah, I’m aware, every Nigerian is aware. Is that why you’re looking for me? 

    PVC: Yes and also, no. Do you have siblings Zikoko? 

    Zikoko: Yes, one 

    PVC: I have millions, scattered across Nigeria. If people don’t collect their PVCs, we’ll all be stuck together in offices that barely have light. Do you know how much they’re selling fuel now? Since there’s no light, there’s heat. All till the next election. 

    Do you know what it’s like living in a room with hundreds of your siblings, tied together with rubber bands so tight you can’t even try to stretch your legs? No privacy whatsoever. 

    Zikoko: What do you need privacy for? 

    PVC: PVCNGF? 

    Zikoko: What does that even mean? 

    PVC: PVC no go fuc— 

    Zikoko: Please, it’s enough. *scratches head* They don’t pay me enough for this. 

    PVC: What do you think we do in your houses four years when we’re waiting for the next election? 

    Zikoko: Reading, learning how to become a passport or ID card, lying down and waiting for the election you were created for… 

    PVC: Have you yourself done the things you were created for in the last four years?

    Zikoko: Who is the interviewer here? Maybe you want to add interviewing to the things you’ll do for the next four years.

    PVC: Zikoko, calm down. We don’t have to resort to violence. My siblings and I need to escape those conditions. We’re desperate. 

    Zikoko: What will help you escape? 

    PVC: We need people who haven’t gone to look for their PVC to go look for it.

    Zikoko: But that doesn’t mean they’ll find it.

    PVC: Yes, we know people are trying and it’s difficult. We just want to make sure everyone is doing it — let’s have a chance to escape four years of stagnant offices at least.

    Zikoko: Get your PVC. Choose pregnancy over stagnancy…

    PVC: Sigh. I don’t know how you have rights.

    But look, what I’m saying is that I know it’s not easy asking you to suffer for my sake, but abeg, try. We are nothing but beans, waiting to be picked. 

    Zikoko: What does that even— –

    Zikoko is cut off by an announcement

    Announcer: Please, a person is looking for their PVC. If you found any PVC, can you let us know. 

    Zikoko: I think it’s your owner looking for you. 

    PVC: Yeah, I think so too. When you pick yours up, tell my sibling I passed the message along. 

    Zikoko: Will do. Will do.

    RELATED: Interview With the Naira: ”Just Add a Little Yeast”

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2021)
  • The Association of Nigerian Witches Hold Their First Meeting of the Year

    It’s the second Tuesday of the month, when the association of Nigerian witches have their monthly meetings. At these meetings, they get updates on the goals set the previous month, address concerns and come up with new ways to cause chaos. These meetings are from 1 – 2 a.m., and there’s always plenty food involved. 

    The five heads of the association are Shege, Village People, Semo, Nigerian Aunties and Femi. They each handle special departments. 

    Shege: Good midnight, everyone. Welcome to the first monthly meeting of the ANW in the year 2023.

    *Everyone choruses “Good midnight”*

    Shege: On the agenda today, we have: 

    • Change of names 
    • Goals for the month 
    • Setbacks

    Village people: Femi, did you bring akara as I asked?

    Femi: No. I was busy with work.

    Village people: How does work affect you conjuring food? It would literally have taken five seconds. 

    Femi: No vex.

    Village people: I was really looking forward to…

    Shege: It’s enough! Village people, you like food too much. Eat what’s available; there are plenty of other options. Have you tried my spaghetti? 

    Anyway, moving on to the first item on the agenda. Change of names. What’s the problem?

    Semo: Why do I have to be called semo?

    Shege: Because people hate you so much, and everyone here is named after someone or something people hate. 

    Femi: Wait, so why am I called Femi?

    Village people: Are you really asking?  Femis are the most wicked among all the Yoruba men. Their method of heartbreak will leave you in tears for years. Out of five people, four have been served breakfast by a Femi. 

    Femi: Where are you getting these statistics? 

    Village people: Trust me, I know. 

    Semo: Okay, but Semo doesn’t get that much hate, so I think we should change my name.

    Femi: Is that a joke? Have you seen the way Semo is dragged on and offline? Bro, they call it trash and say it tastes like ass. 

    *Semo sighs*

    Nigerian aunties: But many Nigerian aunties are loved.

    Shege: How many? With all the fat-shaming, marriage pressure, condescending comments and never minding their businesses, who is loving them? The nice ones aren’t called Nigerian aunties. They’re either “rich auntie” or just “auntie”. 

    *Nigerian auntie rolls her eyes* 

    Shege: So we’re all good with names? 

    *Everyone mutters* 

    Shege: Good. On to the next. Goals for the month. Femi, over to you. 

    Femi: Okay so, Semo, your goal this month is to get more weddings to serve semo and other trash foods: fufu, white rice and stew, pap and hard ponmo. The goal is for people to be miserable at these weddings, especially those who weren’t invited. 

    Semo: How is this a way of torturing people?

    Femi: Nigerians like food and enjoyment. Once you ruin that for them, they’ll start shedding tears. Oh, add ogbono soup to the list. 

    Semo: Okay.

    Femi: Village people, your job this month is to make sure people don’t hear about their visas till just before they’re supposed to travel. 

    Village people: Why not just outrightly deny them the visa?

    Shege: That’s not fun or creative enough. When they’re waiting for the visa, and it hasn’t been denied yet, they’re overthinking, worrying, crying almost every day and barely sleeping. THAT’s how to be wicked to someone. 

    Village people: Oya, let’s do this. 

    Nigerian auntie: Shege, you sabi this thing well.

    Femi: Shege, you have three goals: 

    • Make sure people always have problems with their network
    • Make sure people’s bank apps frustrate them five times before working 
    • Drink up people’s data every two days. 

    Shege: Why is my own more than the others? 

    Femi: Have you heard your name? Shege. Your job is to constantly put people in extreme and unpleasant situations. Besides, you’re not doing it alone. You all have team members working. You can do this. 

    Shege: Na wa. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, I guess.  

    Femi: Nigerian auntie, I need you to get as many Gen Z children into trouble with their parents this month. Report every single thing they do, down to what they post on social media. We need them annoyed and frustrated.

    Nigerian auntie: Let’s goooo.

    Femi: And as for me, my job is to break as many Edo women’s hearts as possible. 

    Semo: Ah! Edo women? Is that even possible? 

    Shege: Even me, I’m afraid of Edo women. Their own wickedness pass our own sef

    Femi: It’s going to be tough, but no heartbreak is too big a challenge for Femi. 

    Shege: Can’t wait to hear about it at next month’s meeting. 

    Semo: Moving on. I’ll be addressing the setbacks. Our main setback is using manual brooms. They’re slow and barely work. We were supposed to buy electric brooms last month, but the dollar rate has gone so high, we can’t afford them. 

    Nigerian auntie: Honestly, Buhari is making things hard for us. 

    Femi: Please, make sure you vote during these elections o. Has everybody collected their PVCs?

    *Everyone choruses yes*

    Semo: Maybe next month we’ll be able to buy the electric brooms. 

    Village people: But even when we buy the brooms, where do we want to find fuel?  

    Semo: When the time comes, we’ll figure it out. 

    Shege: Okay, is there anything else we need to talk about?

    *Everyone choruses no*

    Shege: Alright then, the meeting is adjourned. Everyone fly back home fast before they notice you’re gone. 


    ALSO READ: How To Properly Deal With The Witches In Your Father’s House

  • How to Make Your Work Spouse Your Actual Spouse

    So you finally found a way to get your work crush to promote you from colleague to work wife/husband, but like a typical Oliver Twist, you want more.

    TBH, I’m not judging. Anyone can catch feelings. Obviously, you have, and now, you want to leave the work-bae zone. Let me help you.

    Find them on social media

    Many people block their coworkers on social media, so you’ll have to put on your best Fashola Holmes impression. If that fails, find a way to get them to give you their WhatsApp number, then send them memes every day. They’ll fall in love with how funny you are.

    Buy them food

    Food is the way to everyone’s heart. But don’t buy them food only at work. Invite them out.

    Move in close to them

    If they’re proving stubborn, get their house address from HR and move in right next to them. Now, you won’t just be in their faces from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. anymore.

    Oh. Hi! Didn’t see you there

    Make sure they see you everywhere

    Since you now know their address, set up billboards with your face on them around the route they take to work daily. Buy them mugs with your face on them too. By the time they see you every day, the feelings will be activated.

    Make their significant other disappear

    Arrange for their partner to be kidnapped by ungun known men. Then be a shoulder to lean on when they cry to you about it at work. It’s the price to pay for love.

    Or make the partner cheat

    If you don’t want to go as far as kidnapping, find a way to make your work spouse’s partner cheat then show them the evidence. Of course, you’ll also be there to help them heal and forget the heartbreak.

    Carry their picture to the mountain

    If you’re religious, then you should know prayer works. Take their picture to a mountain, preferably in the dead of night with only a white wrapper around you. The white colour will catch the attention of the spirits, and they’ll answer you immediately.

    Resign from your workplace

    Maybe the reason they’ve not promoted you to actual spouse is simply because they don’t want to date their coworker. Resign and that problem is solved.

    Or make them lose their job

    The point is you won’t be working in the same place anymore. The end justifies the means.


    NEXT READ: The 10 Times It’s Okay to Cry at Work

  • If You’ve Ever Encountered an Onigbese, You’ll Relate to These Experiences

    Someone begs you for money. Next thing you know, you’re begging them to return it. Wild. These 7 Nigerians share their worst experience with onigbeses. 

    “He used my money to do wedding” — Val

    Around the end of 2022, I decided to start my fitness journey. That plan included getting a gym instructor. Tell me why this instructor decided to ask me for ₦20k. I hadn’t even trained with him for up to a month, so I wasn’t sure I could trust him, but I gave him ₦10k because he claimed his mum was sick. The following week, I started calling him, but he didn’t pick up. Then I heard rumours at the gym that the silly guy took money from different people for his big wedding. Nothing was even wrong with his mum. I’m now scared of gym instructors; the guy has scarred me. 

    “She asked for more money after three months” — Doyin* 

    There’s this former colleague of mine. We weren’t exactly friends, but we used to talk now and then. She texted me one day to ask for ₦20k and said she had to take care of some important stuff. We agreed she’d pay back in two weeks, but when the time came, I didn’t hear a word from her. I texted her two days after, and she sent a voice note apologising and even asked for my account number. One week later, still nothing. She started to claim network issues. After two weeks, she finally sent ₦10k. Then, she sent ₦5k the week later. I never got the remaining ₦5k because she said someone who was owing her would send it to me, and I got tired of chasing her. 

    Can you imagine three months later, she came to ask for ₦50k? Must be ment. 

    “He took my money and disappeared” — Foyo*

    I had this friend who I’d known for a few months. He texted me on Instagram sometime in August 2017 to ask for ₦5k. I can’t remember the payment arrangement, but I know he practically disappeared. I tried to call and text, but he wasn’t responding. By October, when I texted him on IG requesting my money, he said he was disappointed I’d just sprung it up on him. He stopped replying my messages, and we never spoke again. I later found out that was his thing. I no longer lend people money because I can’t fight. 


    RELATED: 15 Signs That Onigbese Is Never Returning Your Money 


    “He started asking why I decided to give him money” — Jima

    In 2017, I gave a friend ₦10k for his final project. I was still in school then, so it was out of my allowance. When the time came for him to pay back, he started speaking in parables, saying things along the lines of “who sent me to give him money?” We were in different universities, so I couldn’t drag him by his trousers to pay. 

    Precious, wherever you are, know that God will judge you.

    “He asked me to return a jersey he gave me” — Linda

    My friend texted me that he needed me to send ₦10k to someone; he’d maxed out his account transaction limit and was going to repay me the next day. I kept calling, but he kept posting me. From September, the next time he texted me was February. He asked me for my account number and sent ₦4k. I didn’t even say anything. 

    After about a year, he followed me on IG again and posted about how he couldn’t wait for God to bless him so he could bless others. I replied saying he should be sure to send my ₦6k when it happens. Can you believe he said I have a bitter heart and was trying to act smart, but I was a thief? He asked me to return the jersey he gave me three years ago if I wanted my money. 

    “She started giving me one-worded responses” — Chi

    When I was going on my industrial training, I decided to sell my hostel bed space. A friend of mine offered to buy it for ₦20k, and I agreed. We had mutual friends, I didn’t think it’d be a problem. But the first month came with no money, and the same thing happened in the second month. After pestering her, she sent me ₦5k on the third month. I continued to text her, but she wouldn’t reply. If she managed to respond, it’d be with one word. I got tired of dragging her eventually. 

    “She could afford to buy clothes and change her hair, but not to pay me” — Timi*

    In my first year of university, I lent a close friend of mine the ₦18k I was supposed to use to register for a compulsory course. She needed to pay some dues or so and promised to repay a week after. But when the week came, she said she didn’t have it. For weeks, she kept coming up with new excuses, even though she could afford to buy new clothes and change her hair. She eventually paid on the day of my exam. Luckily, I’d saved enough to pay for the registration in time.

    *Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    You need this: How To Collect Your Money From An Onigbese

  • Creator Spotlight:“I Went to Enugu to Look for Pete Edochie”

    I’m Chinaza. I’m 25, and I’m a content creator. I make short Nollywood skits where I play myself and a very realistic male character. I pretty much stay in my house all day, shooting. If I’m not shooting, I’m editing, gaming or sleeping. I’m the worst person to ask what their favourite food is. So long as it tastes nice, I’ll eat it. As for colours, I love black. But I also like blue and purple. I feel like life’s too short to be restricted to certain things. Whatever feels, looks or tastes nice, just go with it. 

    Gaming? What do you play?

    God of War, Call of Duty, The Last of Us and Red Dead Redemption. I play anything but soccer. I don’t see the point. You just keep kicking the ball around; I’ve never understood it.  

    The question boggling my mind about your skits is how… how do you have so much chemistry with yourself?

    First of all, I’m androgynous. Growing up, I was the only child, and my parents were very protective of me. I wasn’t allowed to go out, much less make friends. They were very sceptical, so I spent a lot of time in my own company, watching people. As a child, I never leaned toward any gender completely. If I bring out my childhood pictures, you’d mistake me in some of them for my brother. When I did make friends, they were boys. 

    Have you named the male version of yourself?

    No, I haven’t. But I’m planning to. 

    When you walk in on me shooting, it’s a different person. I’ve actually shot with people, and the moment I finished dressing up, they’d be like, “Wow! There’s a change around here.” I don’t know how it happens.

    You’re really committed. You wear a bodysuit and even cut your hair

    In 2020, I went the whole year without doing anything to my hair. I didn’t make it. I didn’t care for it. I just ended up looking like I had rats running through it. I realised that since I play a male character, keeping a low cut would make it easier. 

    You’re right, I’m committed. Becoming that character is a sort of escapism. I feel like a whole new person. There’s this feeling, this aura. I get to be two different people. 

    You make it look so easy. What’s your content creation story? 

    I’ve just been coasting through life. I grew up in the east, Anambra. As a child, I wanted to be an actor. I was 15 and in university when I started to reach out to producers and directors. You can count only a handful of Asaba directors or producers I don’t know or haven’t met. I met a whole lot of them, and at the end of the day, they were all asking for the same thing. 

    Oh no. You were just a baby

    Oh yes. And they didn’t care. 

    There was this guy — he was quite popular, and I don’t want to name names. He gave me a script to read so I could hone my scriptwriting skill, then asked me to see him at a hotel. He’s been in the game since the early Nollywood days. That’s how old he was. He tried to kiss me, but I resisted. I was like, “Hello. When did we go from reading scripts to kissing?” He smiled and asked how old I was. I said 15. He smiled again and said, “You’re young. Everything you’ve done and have yet to do has been forgiven”. I gave him back his script and left. He said he’d reach out to me but never did. He stopped picking my calls. But at least, that one took my no for no.

    This other director told me everybody pays their dues in the industry because I said I believed my talent and God would take me to wherever I wanted to be. He told me that what I was saying was laughable because, before Lucifer’s fall, he was the chief angel of entertainment. And after he was cast out, God didn’t take that power from him. The entertainment industry is governed by Lucifer, so my God and I can fuck off. 

    That’s a lot. You were a kid. Were your parents aware?

    The incident that made them know was really nasty, and I still can’t talk about it. I’ve always been very curious and independent. When I want something, I go for it. There was even a time I went to Enugu to see Pete Edochie, unplanned. 

    Omo? You’re bold oh

    I got to Enugu and started asking people on the streets for his address. It was crazy. Somehow, I located his house. I waited for some time before he came down. I told him I wanted to act and had been trying for some time. He asked me how old I was. I told him I was 15 and in my first year of university. He scolded me and told me not to rush. I should go back and focus on school. I won’t say I listened, but I had a nasty experience that eventually made me stop. That was the last straw. 

    Around that time, skit-making was becoming popular, so my friends were like, “All these people are doing these skits from their homes.” I wanted to act, but who would watch me? But I eventually shot a video, posted it, and people liked it. This was around 2015. I started fully in 2017, so I’ve been at it for six years now. The growth was exponential. My creations were Nollywood-based. I migrated from Instagram to TikTok in November 2021.

    When did you have your first viral video? 

    I posted grace to grass stories, “Nollywood Movies Be Like” and more. One day, I checked my phone and saw +100 followers and +100 notifications. Tunde Ednut and Don Jazzy had reposted one of my videos. It was everywhere.

    There was also this competition Larry Gaga hosted. At the time, I wanted a new workstation, which cost ₦1.5 million, so I needed all the money I could get. That was the first time I posted on TikTok with intention, and I got 500 views. I won the competition and I think that was my second viral post.  

    What was the first Nollywood movie you saw that made you want to make Nollywood skits?

    For someone who makes short Nollywood skits, you’d think I watch many of them. I didn’t watch television because of my strict parents. I started watching Nollywood movies, and none really stood out for me. I just found it easy to spot the cliches. I don’t reference any movies; I just stitch up words and cliches I have heard Nollywood characters use, and I run with them. 

    Did you study something related to your content creation? 

    I studied English because my dad wouldn’t let me do Theatre Arts. I don’t write scripts except when a client specifically asks for it. Most of my acting is by impulse. I don’t think about them; I just know what I’m going for and how it should come out.

    What’s your dream cast and plot?

    I have a story in my head. I don’t have the capacity for it now, but one day, I will. I hope Pete Edochie will still be alive by then because I need him in it. So there’s him, Blossom Chukwujekwu, Stan Nze, Jimmy Odukoya. It’ll be an epic movie.

    If you don’t watch a lot of Nollywood movies, why did you pick this form of creative expression? 

    I stuck to Nollywood because I started taking TikTok much more seriously. The post I made for the competition was Nollywood cliche-themed. Because it did well, I made another one, which did even more numbers. The content transcended my regular audience. People from China, who’d never heard of Nollywood, were asking for more. And the slap-stick industry was becoming saturated. I’m not even good at it; it doesn’t come naturally to me. I just wanted something different. The moment I left the slap-stick comedy niche, I lost some of my audience. But when people look at my work, I want them to see the effort and thought that went into it. I just needed something special. 

    You do good work

    I give my character’s backstories. I try to get into their mind. Who is this character? A lover boy? A wicked prince? I know how the character walks and talks. The moment I have all that in my head, I’m that person. For instance, the very clear difference between my male and female characters is that I suddenly take up more physical space when I’m the male character. The way I walk and speak is different. 

    How much time and money goes into making one video?

    It takes more time and effort than money. I could manoeuvre my screen the way I want, and I already have a wardrobe full of costumes. There was one video I spent more than ₦100k to make. It was about the different tribes in Nigeria, so I had to get the different costumes. And I can spend up to a week making a video. When I say a week, I mean several hours back-to-back.

    What does a typical day of creating content look like?

    I usually sleep from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. When I wake up, I eat my breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one. I like setting up my shoot at 11 p.m., and depending on what I’m working on, I may be at it till 10 a.m. Then I sleep and wake up again around 5 p.m. to continue. It has altered my circadian rhythm because even when I take breaks, even when I am not working, I find myself sleeping through the day and being up at night. 

    What are your rates like?

    I charge brands from ₦500k to ₦700k for ads. It’s efficient. I’m not as poor as my enemies think I am, but I’m also not as rich as some people think. 

    What would you being rich look like?

    Being rich would entail waking up one morning and impulsively booking a flight to Paris to get ice cream and come back. I make enough to put food on my table and satisfy my basic needs, but I can’t go on a spending spree or splurge money the way I would want. My income isn’t consistent, so I have to make do, and plan ahead, even though it’s hard. There are some months I eat really well; I’d have like three clients I’m creating for. Then I could go three months without a client.  

    How many videos do you think you’ve created?

    I don’t keep count. One thing about me is once I’ve created and posted a video, it’s gone. When I do visit them again, I’m usually like, I should’ve done better.

    Who or what influences you?

    Kunle Afolayan, Jade Osiberu, Charles of Play — he has a lot of money to pursue his dreams, and he pursues them. Art should be all about pure passion, but unfortunately, that will get you only so far. In the real world, you need more than that. You need flamboyance, exposure and connection. If you want to make it purely on passion, make peace with the fact that you won’t achieve your full potential. You need money, you need to know people to push your art, no matter how good it is.

    What do you do when you’re not creating?

    Sleep. I close my eyes and sleep. And sometimes, I game. I’ve also made a promise to myself to go out a bit more and meet people. Since I shot that video for the TikTok competition, I don’t think I’ve left my house more than 20 times. I just shoot and post. In 2023, I’ll go out more and maybe find love.

    What’s the most annoying thing about your work?

    When I decide to try something different once in a while, people will be like, ”No, no. This isn’t why we’re here.” And I’m like, “Shut the fuck up”. Or when you offer your two cents about a concerning issue, I’ll hear, “You better focus on your comedy.” It’s annoying. 

    What sort of impact do you want to make in the industry within the next couple of years?

    I have a dream of owning a film school one day. I don’t even know how to go about that, but I’d like to see actors with more skills in the industry. When you watch a good movie, you watch an actor become the character they’re playing. It feels like they’re in their house in that movie. It feels real. You can see the connection. But when you watch a movie, and it feels like the home is from Airbnb, I want that to change. 

    Do you feel fulfilled yet, though?

    I could be doing more. There are days when I feel fulfilled, and there are other days I just don’t know. I try to tell people, and they don’t understand. 

    Do you struggle with imposter syndrome? 

    All the time. I know I dey try, but when people post my work, I’m like, are you gassing me up? I feel my own audience may be lying to me, so what I do when different accounts share my work is I go through the comments. Because I feel I would see the truth there, from complete strangers who’d rate my work without sentiments. Most times, though, it’s the same praise.


  • When We Say Eat the Rich, These Are the People We’re Talking About

    Bubu’s decided travel influencing is a more profitable pastime than looking after Nigeria’s economy. This means it’s time to reenact the purge and go after all the Jeff Bezos types in your circle. 

    People that eat more than two eggs at once

    Seeing as a crate of eggs is now equivalent to one citizen meal, if you so much as dream about eating eggs, you’re automatically a rich person. Make that dream a reality, and you should be doing giveaways every fortnight because you are swimming in money.

    Parents

    Children are expensive af, so anybody paying for another human being to live a full life is an Otedola in their own right.

    People that are into real estate

    If anybody looks you in the eyes and tells you they’re into real estate, don’t ask how, don’t ask what it means, just stretch out your hand and ask for your share. They’re the real owners of Lagos.

    Tech bros 

    Don’t let their T-shirt, glasses and slides fool you. All your friends doing UI/UX and developing software have unicorn money. Especially the ones with dreads on top of their head. Bill them today.

    People that uber everywhere

    Think of them as the Elon Musks of our generation. Excess money and a constant need to spend it. 

    Wedding makeup and gele artistes

    Wedding vendors are big money makers in Nigeria, so if you know anyone charging ₦350k to tie gele, hold the hem of their garment and demand your share.

    People that are always outside in Lagos

    Lagos tax, service charge and VAT? Anybody paying an extra 22.5% on their meals in Laygurs has enough to spare. Don’t even ask them, just hold them at gunpoint and go, “Your money or your life.” Lagos people need their lives for jaiye.

  • 7 Things Capitalism Scammed Us Into Believing

    Do you remember how long you’ve had a “dream job”? How did anybody ever convince you to dream of labour? Capitalism is to blame. 

    Here are some other things capitalism has scammed you into believing.

    That interviews are a good thing

    First of all, why are you auditioning for hard labour and feeling bad when you get rejections? Do you like pain? It’s giving BDSM. 

    “The harder you work, the more money you make”

    Just take a look at your paycheck and that of a politician. You’ll see that capitalism is a bandit. The easiest way to get rich is to be born rich. The next best way is to marry a rich person. The rest is just capitalism trying to swindle you.

    “Follow your passion, and money will come”

    My passion is sleeping because why am I still a mechanic? Make it make sense.

    Dream jobs

    This one’s obviously a lie to lure us back to the plantations because why are you dreaming of labour?

    “Learning never ends”

    Of course, I’ll keep learning after spending ten hours at work screaming, “Can you see my screen?” and an extra two hours in traffic to and from work every day. I’ll definitely keep learning.

    “Your network is your net worth”

    Just prepare your heart for aggressive airing from all angles. They will snub you so much, you’ll think you’re a ghost.

    Weekends

    When was the last time you actually rested on a weekend? Just think about it. It’s all a scam.


    NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap


  • 8 Reasons Why Hell Might Not Be So Bad

    So you think you’ve dropped out of the heavenly race because of too much sin, and you just can’t change your ways. Don’t be sad. Here are some things about hell that’ll cheer you up.

    It’s not Nigeria

    The relief of being free from the shege Nigeria keeps throwing at you should be enough to make you appreciate a new scenery, even if it’s hell.

    But you’ll see Lagos babes

    With all the havoc they’ve wreaked on earth, you’ll definitely meet Lagos babes in hell, right next to the Yoruba demons. So just know you’re in for a fun time. 

    Your favourite artists will be there

    There’s no gbedu in heaven, so if you know you still want to turn up in the after life, don’t worry yourself. According to every pastor ever, all your favourite artists will be in hell anyway. You’ll start to wonder if you even need heaven in the first place.

    It probably won’t be hot for long

    Some people will do ITK about God’s existence and land in hell for it. Einstein will probably be there with you, so tell me how y’all won’t figure out how to reduce the temperature. It won’t be hot for long. You’ll see.

    You can get square with Nigerian politicians

    The people who said snake swallowed money will be in hell too, take it from us. If you’ve wanted to throw hands, you’ll finally get your chance.

    …and service providers

    Think about the satisfaction of finally getting your pound of flesh from network providers and banks.

    More fornication

    If you love fornicating, you get a free pass with people like you for eternity. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll go to hell again? You’re already there.

    What do you want to do in heaven sef?

    You’ll be bored out of your mind if you make heaven. You already know chaos is your default setting, so there’s really no need to fight it.


    NEXT READ: Best Sex Positions That Won’t Ruin Your Heavenly Race


  • Please Keep Your Sorry, 8 Reasons Why More People Should Keep Malice

    We go through life learning the gospel of reconciliation and forgiveness, but sometimes that isn’t enough to forgive people for publicly hating on amala or eating semo.

    So, here’s a list of justifications for the next time you want to tell someone, “Sorry for yourself”.

    You didn’t come to this life with anybody

    Even if you are a twin and you came with a permanent photocopy, e no too mean. All man for himself. Another person’s need for reconciliation is none of your business.

    It’s liberating

    Emancipate yourself from the shackles of seeing someone that has shown you shege. Keep them at a distance and only interact when necessary.

    Because people are EVIL

    When you refuse to forgive people, your eyes will open, and you’ll see them in their true colours.

    People beg too much

    If you keep malice, nobody will knock on your door in the a.m. for biscuit and milk. The economy is too hard for you to be sharing your things with a badly behaved person. 

    Actions have consequences

    They have used their reggae to spoil your blues, so now they must bend and break their waist every time they see you.

    Protect yourself

    Keep the malice and let them know you’re keeping this malice, so when they see you, they’ll jump fence and fly to the next compound.

    It serves as a deterrent

    If people know you keep malice, fewer people will try you, and if fewer people try you, you’ll have more time to do reality things.

    Because you can

    You’ve been roaming this earth as long as you have. Nobody can beat you because of small malice.

  • Stop Blaming Your Village People For These 7 Things

    Every time something bad happens, you’re quick to blame your village people. Have you ever considered you may be the cause of your problems? No. It’s to blame a set of people you’ve never seen, who apparently only have your downfall in mind. Your village people are tired, so stop blaming them for these things.

    Not getting that job

    The job announcement asked for someone with eight years of experience, and you still applied despite being a 22-year-old fresh graduate. Ok, maybe you had the experience, but they chose their inexperienced nephew over you. Another point to nepotism. 

    For being single 

    You stay in your house Monday to Sunday and think the people in the village are the ones stopping you from entering a relationship? Keep deceiving yourself. Or you go out, but you don’t know how to have a conversation beyond “What are you up to?” and “Have you eaten?”

    For being broke 

    Blame yourself for every moment you’ve said, “I can’t kill myself” or “This life na one”, then gone ahead to splurge on something you didn’t need. The economy is tough, and your village people have nothing to do with that.

    For the relationship that ended

    You were emotionally and physically unavailable, and barely ever communicated. What did you think would happen? Now, you’re crying and blaming your village people who were even feeling bad for your partner. 

    For getting fired 

    You hardly ever did your work. As if that wasn’t enough, you now lied about being sick then posted pictures of yourself at a beach in Ghana. But no, your village people put evil thoughts in your manager’s head, and that’s why you got fired.

    For not getting that visa

    This isn’t yours or your villagers’ fault. The people at the embassy are just wicked. 

    For getting malaria 

    Your village people aren’t trying to kill you. Your blood type is just AA. 

  • Proof They Only Have Sex With You Because They Need a Place to Sleep

    You’ve been having sex with a particular person who stays over at your house a lot. And you think it’s because they like you and like spending time with you. Well, we’re here to tell you they might actually be homeless and looking for a place to sleep without having to pay rent. 

    If they do these things, they’re definitely using you for accommodation.

    They only call at night

    You don’t hear from them throughout the day, not even a text or a funny Tiktok video sent your way. You text them, and they leave your message on delivered. Then at night, they call to say they were busy. Next thing, “Are you home?” 

    Because it’s time to sleep, and they need a home.  

    You’ve never been to their house

    Anytime you ask about going over to their house, they make up excuses like they have a roommate or live with their parents. My dear, they have no house for them to invite you to because they’re homeless. Your home is their home.

    They start coming over without asking

    It gets to a point where they come over without informing you. To them, it’s basically “going home”.  Before you know it, they’re asking for a key. Send that person back to the streets now!

    The sex is mid

    They don’t put in effort during sex because they don’t really like you. But sex is the only way you’ll allow them sleep over at your house, so they give you the best they can muster up. 

    They always have some type of bag

    Even when they tell you they don’t plan to sleep over (big lie), they always come with a bag. If you ask what’s inside, they’ll say, “Random stuff”. But somehow, they always have toiletries and clothes to wear the next day. 

    They start to leave things behind 

    They’ll play it off as “Oh, I forgot”, till you see half of their clothes and underwear in your closet. They’ve moved in, my dear, and you guys aren’t even dating. 

    They’re around all the time 

    You see them even on nights you just want to be by yourself. No way the sex is good enough for them to be in your house Monday to Sunday. 

    ALSO READ: 7 Ways To Greet A Woman The Morning After Sex

  • Creator Spotlight: How Bamy Wormed Her Way Into the Nigerian Entertainment Scene

    I’m Bamise. I was born and bred in Lagos; Bariga, to be precise. I was literally born in the house I live in. On my street, they call me ‘Burna girl’. I think that’s because of my fashion style. Today, I almost had a food coma from pounded yam, and I’m a Capricorn.

    Food coma? Wow. How would you describe what you do? 

    I actually do a bunch of things. I’ve gotten tired of saying I’m a writer when there’s more to it. So I sat down and decided “creative industry entrepreneur” is the best way to describe myself. For the most part, I just sell my ideas. 

    What’s the best idea you’ve sold so far?

    The articles I wrote for NotJustOk. I’ve had some really standout ones. In 2020, I did a listicle titled “Seyi Vibez, Bella Shmurda and Other Street Pop Artists You Should Know”. While everyone else was unsure of Wizkid’s Made in Lagos, it was one of the few projects I ever reviewed. I wrote that it was a really good album and a perfection of his career output so far.

    One of the coolest things you do is your “Fit check” videos

    For the longest time, I’ve felt that while I’m not rich in wealth, I’m rich in friends. People who know me just know I like fashion, so they end up giving me stuff. Like right now, I’m wearing a pair of white shades my colleague gave me for Secret Santa. People helped build my wardrobe, and I’m always conscious of that because I remember where I got everything from. My love language is getting fly shit. When I get dressed sometimes, I realise the only thing I bought with my money was my underwear, or something crazy like that.

    Are any of your fashion items more special or sentimental than the rest?

    I also have a pair of pink crocs I named “Flacko” after ASAP Rocky, ‘cause in A$AP Mob’s Yamborghini High video, he wore this pink bathrobe. It made me realise pink is such a cool colour, and ever since then, I’ve been a big fan of pink. Flacko has been my ride-or-die since 300 level. They were actually famous in UI because when you see pink crocs, you know it’s for Bamy. I always used to post them and just wear them everywhere. I don’t wear the crocs now though; they’re just somewhere in the house. 

    Well, I think crocs are supreme. So you know what, I get it 

     Thank you.

    What are some basics you think everyone should have in their wardrobe, as somebody who doesn’t actually get half of their stuff themself?

    I’m starting to get stuff myself. I’ve been thrifting a lot since 2022 to build a wardrobe that feels like me. 

    I want to say cargo pants, but I don’t know if there’s an age limit to this. I’ll say denim jackets because they fly and pair well with literally anything. If you’re like me and you get cold easily then, denim jackets and Oxford shirts. If you’re at a party, denim jackets might be a bit heavy, so an Oxford shirt because you can tie them around your waist and wear them later when you feel a bit cold. They’re really great for mutable fashion. Also, sunshades. I don’t understand how people don’t wear shades. People say shades don’t fit them, but it’s just a matter of understanding what type of shades work for your face. 

    But doesn’t it feel embarrassing to be scared of the sun

    When I turned 16, I had to travel with my mum and I needed shades, so she helped me choose the pair that worked best. I’ve been wearing shades ever since. I never really got people not liking shades, like why are you subjecting yourself to the harsh glare of the sun? For me, it’s not even a fashion accessory. 

    And fashion irks?

    One of my fashion irks is those thin slippers I see babes wear. I get that it’s part of the rich aunty aesthetic, but I see girls wearing them in the rainy season and I’m like, “Water could splash on you, and you might have to wade through a flood”. That’s why comfy and chunky slides should be essential.

    Fair. What are your rules for thrifting? 

    I’m not the best person at bargaining. It stresses me out because how will I know the price? I like to work based on my value of things and do some research. If I think it’s worth a certain price, and you call a crazy amount, It won’t work. I found one really good thrift store, ‘Retro Addicts’, and since then, the Instagram algorithm keeps bringing more my way.

    For my rules, I ask myself if I can see myself wearing it more than once. Also, boots are a heavy standard for me. I call my aesthetic “super rager girlfriend”. So I ask myself, “Can I wear this with my boots or any other pair of shoes?” If I think I’m being too impulsive, I come back the next day. The boots thing actually helps me create outfits that feel like me.

    But the major thing is the mutability of the outfit. I ensure that I can style the outfit in different ways. Fashion isn’t necessarily about what you wear, but how you wear it. 

    Created with RNI Films app. Preset ‘Agfa Optima 200 Warm’

    How did you get so confident about your style?

    I’m from a very conservative home, but I’ve always been very fashion-conscious. My mum would dress me in Deeper Life-type clothes, and I’d be unhappy as hell. It made me frown a lot because I never liked my outfits. It was crazier because my brothers used to wear like really fly shit gifted to them from my family friends, but the same people would conform to our conservative rules and send me dowdy ass clothes. So I felt cheated. 

    In church, I didn’t talk to anybody besides my brothers. Immediately after, I’d go and sleep in the car ‘cause I didn’t want anybody to see me. Eventually, I realised I didn’t have any friends, which affected me. One time, I designed a poll about how people perceived me, but I never gave it to anybody to fill it out. I just decided you know what, fuck this. I don’t make the rules. I’ll just rock my shit like that and try to frown less. 

    I spent all my life wearing things I didn’t want, but when I got into uni, I could start dressing as I wanted. I actually had to hard-wire confidence into myself. So now, I don’t care how ridiculous you think my outfit is. I like it, and that’s all that matters. I don’t care about what you, your grandma or granddad thinks. Once I can get out of the house with it, and the people outside see me? Mission accomplished. For me, every outfit is a reality I’m living. 

    Explain that

    The biggest example is when I went to an only women’s fest in 2021 in this mesh dress. I don’t think I’d ever even worn it before that, but I thought it would be nice to have my titties out, so I wore it that way. I knew it would be a safe space where I could get away with a risque outfit. Now, every other place I’ve gone, I layer it as a top even. But in that moment when I wore the mesh dress and nothing else, I was living the reality of that dress as the ultimate bad bitch attire. 

    Well, you can wear that dress again to Zikoko’s Hertitude. It’s a safe space for women

    I’m bigender. My pronouns are she/he/they. But I don’t enforce it because you technically can’t misgender me. It’s just irritating when my profile photo is clearly femme, and you say, “Good afternoon, sir”. For me, my pronouns should align with how I am presenting at that moment. When I’m wearing a cool, hard-ass, steal-your-girl-type outfit, and then, some guys are like “damsel”. I’m like, “Who are you talking to?” So that’s the thing about living the reality of the outfits. I’ve always been androgynous, and the biggest expression of that is my fashion.

    You also work as a producer on Taymesan’s podcast. What’s that like as a young person?

    The creative industry is actually a young industry if you look around you, so I don’t think there’s anything crazy about my age and the work I’m doing. There’s tons of young people doing kick-ass shit right now. For Tea with Tay, before I was his producer, I was actually his assistant for a year, then he needed a fresher approach to his podcast, and I was down for the challenge because I like to align my interest and my passion with my job. If the job doesn’t interest or excite me, I can’t do it. 

    What did you do differently to make him keep you on? 

    I’ve just been more hands-on. So far, I’ve put out eight episodes, so it’s still a new experience for me. For the first few months, that was just me getting clarity. Now, I’m taking a new approach to the content and how things are rolled out. We introduced a new segment called “Spill The Tea”, and that’s been fun. 

    As much as the creative industry is young, the scene is very much “who you know”. So when did you start putting yourself out there? 

    I’ve just always been an expressive person. So I guess without even saying anything, people just always thought of me as a creative. I studied English at the University of Ibadan. Along the line, I worked as a ghostwriter. Then after NYSC, I got a job as a writer, but the pay was not it at all. After a while, I started seeing Linkedin profiles with all these high-achieving corporate people, and I’d feel a tinge of jealousy. I didn’t understand it because I know I’m not trying to climb the ranks in the corporate world. So I started to tell my friends about jobs I wanted to do; they were creatives as well. One of them, Jimmy — I always joke that I’ll build him a statue one day — was already more established in the creative industry, so he plugged me on to “Notjustok’’, and since then, I’ve just been blossoming.  

    What influences everything you do? 

    How passionate I am about it or how much it excites me.

    What if the money is good, but you’re not passionate about it? 

    I can’t work in a bank, for instance, even if the pay is crazy. I quit writing for ‘Notjustok’ earlier this year because I’m not as passionate about writing. Passion and money go hand-in-hand like a handshake because, at the same time, I can’t do free work where I am. YKB’s Oshofree has actually been my mantra since the beginning of 2022. 

    Will you ever write again?

    I need to reconnect with it and just that part of me that’s passionate about writing without having to be paid for it. Capitalism ruined my first love. 

    I wish you good luck with that. How do you unwind?

    I just sleep. All my friends know I don’t really watch movies because it takes me like a million years to hyperfocus on it. I’ve also been exploring dining out with friends, but for the most part, I sleep, even when I shouldn’t be sleeping. 

    What are your favourite Nigerian designers? 

    I’m bigender. So, I really like TJWHO’s androgynous but clean designs. They have a really masculine edge to their femme designs. It’s like masc. and avant-garde at the same time — very slim cut, sharp. I love it. Then, Tokyo James, I think, for similar reasons and just how they work with fabric. It’s very exciting and groundbreaking. Then Tubo Reni, I think her sculpting skills are next to none, and what she did with Tiwa Savage on the Water and Garri tour was impressive. Tiwa actually wore Fendi and Versace throughout. I think Tubo Reni was the only Nigerian brand she wore .

    Do you have any plans to create your own fashion pieces? 

    I’ve been designing since I was a kid, but imposter syndrome hit me really early. I’ve just decided to go to a proper fashion school to learn. I went to Queen’s College, and they had a clothing and textile course. I did that from SS 1 to 3. I want to go to a proper fashion school and maybe start designing for myself first and see where it goes from there. I worked with a bunch of stylists last year, and before that, I actually styled one of my friends for his video shoot. I worked as a styling intern in 2022. I’m obsessed with getting experience. I don’t appreciate being in a place where I second-guess myself. But because I’m busy with my other passions that pay me money, I  haven’t found time to give it as much attention.

     What are the other passions that pay you money? 

    I work as a content lead for WeTalkSound. I’ve always wanted to be in a space where I share ideas and see them through till the execution point, and I’m very passionate about music, so that’s me bringing two of my passions together. I also work as Artiste and Label Relations Manager for Gojë Distro. I get to be an active part of the music distribution process. For Taymesan, I’ve always wanted to work with someone with a level of access to resources that I don’t have because it’s just a really good learning ground. I get to interact with vast minds, vast talents. 

    Favourite career moments? 

    Working as a content lead has been very rewarding. It’s something I’d always dreamed of doing. We made a viral post recently, and I know it’s hard to replicate, but we’ve grown so much, and the difference is clear. In 2021, I wrote a timeline of the alté subculture and sound. I spoke to Douglas Jekan for the interview, and he gave me a shout-out for the work I was doing. I listened to him a lot when I was in secondary school and he was actually my window to the alternative music scene in Nigeria. So this was a personal crowning moment for me. 

    What are your favourite parts about being a creative industry entrepreneur?

    The freedom. The fashion freedom. You see me pressing my phone, but I’m actually restlessly working. I could be working on a news report, putting a Canva design together or reviewing a content idea. I also love that I get to cover shows, from music listening parties to concerts. 

    What do you want to do in the next couple of years? 

    If I’m still alive. 

    This is why I don’t like you Gen Z people 

    I mean, we have to be honest. But I want to own a creative agency to build ideas from scratch that help people in the entertainment world. Do you need to bring a show to life, or a concept, we can help. People don’t understand things like how powerful a good copy is, how to sell things, how immersive concerts make people want to come back for another edition the next year, or even an artist’s social media branding, from how they dress to how they text. A creative agency helps people in the industry to take concrete ideas and execute them. 

    I also want to get into headhunting, to look out for people with a second class or even dropouts. I think I’d be great at this because when people need talent, they always come to me. I always look within my community before looking outside ‘cause it’s just always better to refer people you know firsthand can do the work. Down the line, I’d like to make headhunting an even wider reach for the creative and tech spaces. I’m not sure if I should be sharing this much, before somebody steals my idea. 

    If they steal it, we’ll fight. Can’t wait for your creative agency, maybe we’d finally have musicians who give me something outside of their music, which is great, but like, I want to connect with you

    As Nigerians, we’re actually very big on personality. We love big personalities. If you’re not selling us a personality that’s larger than life, your brand will actually suffer. 

    Very, very true. How would you describe your personality?

    I’ve never thought about my personality, but someone called me a “crackhead rockstar”. I protested at first, but I think it’s apt. 

  • These 7 Jobs Should Be Bigger Than They Are

    Some professions are more respected and loved than others. And some are just plain underrated. Here are some jobs we actually shouldn’t look down on because they’re really amazing.

    Town crier 

    Imagine waking up to a bell and someone giving the whole town hot gist? The gossip levels will increase, and it’ll foster town unity. 

    Philosopher 

    All the thinking you’ve been thinking for free, where has it taken you? Nowhere. At least, let your overthinking put food on your table and a roof over your head. It’s time to start asking yourself the difficult questions. 

    Alchemist 

    Imagine being able to turn copper into gold? Or lead into silver? 

    RELATED: How to Vomit Pounds

    Nomenclator  

    Someone who helps people to recall the names of everyone they’ve met. In this era of short-term memory, this should be a massive profession. Do you know how many awkward situations would be prevented if someone actually remembered names on people’s behalf? 

    Food tasters 

    With the rise of village people, it’s important for you to have someone taste the food you want to eat. 

    Knocker-upper

    Are you tired of always snoozing your alarm and waking up late anyway? Well, a knocker-upper’s job is to wake people more effectively… by beating you till you wake up. You’ll never miss an alarm again. 

    Bell-ringer 

    Bell-ringing is a pretty accurate way to tell time for those who run from their responsibilities.

    RELATED: 10 Signs a New Job Is About to Stress Your Life

  • Interview With January Salary: “Don’t Pressure Me. I’m Not Rice”

    As someone who’s also patiently waiting for January salary, Zikoko puts on its journalism cap to find out what’s taking it so long to arrive. What Zikoko got in return was kidnap, insult and a lesson on financial responsibility. 

    (Zikoko gets ready to leave its house when it’s suddenly accosted by two big bodyguards.)

    Zikoko: Omo, they’ve finally decided today is my day 

    Bodyguard 1: Are you Zikoko? 

    Zikoko: Uhm… no?

    Bodyguard 2: Oga told us you’ll do like this. 

    The bodyguards signal to one another and put a bag over Zikoko’s head. Then they lift it into a van. There’s a lot of screaming and shouting, but it seems like nobody hears.

    Zikoko: Chai. I wonder which of my articles made them look for me? 

    (Zikoko is woken up with a splash of cold water on their face. It’s tied to a chair, and hands are bound)

    Zikoko: Kinky, but at least, let me know who you are.

    (January salary appears from the shadows)

    January salary: Thank you, bodyguards. That’ll be all. Hello Zikoko. You asked to see me for an interview. Here I am. 

    Zikoko: Omo, you didn’t have to do all this. 

    January salary: Consider it a security measure. 

    Zikoko: God, abeg. Thank you for agreeing to have a chat with me sha. I know you’re very hard to track down. 

    January salary: It’s alright. You were very desperate. 

    Zikoko: I like to think of it as persistence in the face of injustice. 

    January salary: *sighs* I can’t believe you’re one of them. 

    Zikoko: Ah, one of who?

    January salary: The people looking for me up and down. Did I tell you all I was lost?

    Zikoko: But things are just tough.

    January salary: Did I send you to do Detty December? You wanted to shake your ass on a yacht, did you think it’ll be free? When you were paying for ₦70k ticket to stand and wait outside for hours, was I there with you? When you were spending money at strip clubs and doing beach parties every Sunday, did you invite me? No! Now that you’ve finished galivanting around town and being “lit”, you’re looking for me everywhere. Why you dey find wetin no loss? 

    Zikoko: No need to shout. If you know we’re desperate, and we need you so badly, why are you taking so long to show up? I have gbese to pay, please. 

    January salary: I’m not taking any longer than the other months with 31 days. It’s just your poverty that’s affecting your thinking. This is the problem I have with you Gen Zs and millennials. You’re impatient. You know when something is supposed to get to you, but because you made some strange decisions, you want to now pressure me? No. I refuse to be pressured. I am not rice.

    RELATED: Interview With the Naira: “Just Add a Little Yeast”

    Zikoko: It’s not pressure. In fact, you too should be used to it. 

    January salary: Just because I know it’ll happen doesn’t mean I’m not tired of it. Put yourself in my shoes. Nobody remembers me for stuff like going to the club and travelling around the world. The only thing they use me for is bills, debts and complaints. I’m more than that. 

    Zikoko: I see you, and I hear you. Your feelings are valid, but tell me. Where are you hiding these days?

    January salary: Why do you want to know?

    Zikoko: I’m asking for a friend. 

    January salary: *just stares at Zikoko*

    Zikoko: Please…

    January salary:

    Zikoko: I need to pay creche fees.

    January salary:

    Zikoko: I have two children…

    January salary: Oh? What are their names?

    Zikoko: Principality and powers…

    January salary: *starts leaving*

    Zikoko: Please, can I move in with you for the time being. The people I’m owing money are looking for me, and I can’t pay…

    RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Services: “Let Us Explain”

  • 10 Things Every Rich Kid Had in Primary School

    As adults, we can tell rich people from their designer brands and minimalist aesthetic. But in primary school, we had to look out for these things:

    Cortina shoes 

    This was the Nike of those days. The rich kids would wear this with long white socks. 

    Glasses 

    You can’t even deny you envied your classmates who wore glasses because they were the ultimate rich kid indicator, especially when it came with ropes. 

    Rolling bags

    Only the bad bitches of primary school had this bag, while the others took turns helping her roll the bag. 

    Cartoon lunch box

    Their lunch boxes had to be from a popular Disney or Cartoon Network cartoon.

    Fancy stationery cases

    Basic where? 

    G-shock watch 

    These watches had them feeling like Ben 10. 

    Shamballa bracelets 

    Even though it was probably not even allowed in school. 

    Juice box 

    Whether it was Ribena, Bobo or Capri-Sonne, they sha always leave home with a juice box. We’re convinced that’s where the Capri-Sonne addiction started. 

    They had drivers 

    Do we still need to explain this one?

    Check their notes 

    This was the birth of minimalism. If their notes were wrapped in transparent wrapping papers instead of calendar sheets and newspapers, just know they’re filthy rich.  


    READ NEXT: The Worst Primary School Lies You’ve Ever Told — From the Liars 

  • I’m the Side Chick That Got the Man

    Jessica* (24) started her relationship with her fiancé as his side chick. She talks about falling for him before finding out he had a girlfriend, becoming close when the main chick relocated and deciding to choose her own happiness.

    This is Jessica’s story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image source: Pexels

    Before you judge me, I didn’t set out to be anyone’s side chick, but as they say, life comes at you fast.

    I met Jacob* in November 2019 at the NYSC Orientation Camp in Iyana Ipaja, Lagos. We were both part of the Batch “C” stream, and I noticed him at the Cultural Day Carnival. I can’t remember how we started talking, but I remember thinking, “I really like this guy”. He schooled in the East, and it was his first time in Lagos. Because I was born and bred here, he was fascinated by my stories.

    We exchanged phone numbers and kept in touch even after the orientation ended. The initial Place of Primary Assignment (PPA) placement struggle meant we were too busy to talk for the first few weeks after camp. The day we finally met up was the day I realised I’d already fallen for him. It was also the day I discovered he had a girlfriend.

    He’d mentioned Michelle* (his girlfriend) a few times in our messages, but I just assumed it was the sister he told me he was staying with in Lagos. Anytime he mentioned her name while we were chatting, it was usually along the lines of, “Michelle just got back from work” or “Michelle is disturbing me about doing chores in the house”. Maybe I just didn’t want to see what he wasn’t expressly saying.

    I had invited Jacob to a beach hangout my friends were having, and he came with Michelle. It was there he introduced her to me as his girlfriend. When I was already in a “casual relationship” with this guy in my head! Apparently, he’d told Michelle about me too — the friend he met at NYSC camp — and honestly, she was very friendly. I felt guilty about allowing myself to develop feelings for someone who hadn’t outrightly said anything. So, even though I believe everyone is single and fair game till they get legally hitched, I decided to give Jacob some distance. Besides, he hadn’t shown any serious interest in me.


    RELATED: 6 Clear Signs a Nigerian Man Is Madly in Love With You


    Spoiler alert, the distance didn’t work. Jacob noticed it and pestered me for a reason. How blind can men be? I finally gave in and told him I had feelings for him on New Year’s Day 2020. He was speechless, so I told him I knew he had a girlfriend and was already putting the feelings behind me.

    Michelle relocated to be with family in the US that same January, and the distance started to take a toll on their relationship. Jacob would rant to me about their increasing fights and the different time zones weren’t helping matters. One of their more serious fights was about their future and the possibility of Jacob relocating. But he is pro-Nigeria. He could visit other countries but didn’t see himself living elsewhere permanently. Michelle thought otherwise, and sometimes, I’d come in to advise them to be patient with each other.

    At the same time, Jacob and I got closer. Since he was always telling me about his Michelle issues, he spent more time at my place. I lived alone, and my flat was closer to where he worked in Ikeja, so it made sense. Then on my birthday in March, he kissed me. I was elated, of course, but I wanted to make sure he did it because he wanted to and not because Michelle wasn’t around. He told me he was developing feelings for me but needed to figure out what he wanted. 

    Then lockdown happened, and somehow, we spent the entire time together in my place. We got even more intimate and basically became an item. He was still with Michelle, but only because he wanted to break up with her in person and not over the phone. It was well and truly a side chick situation, but I refuse to be ashamed. I’d suppressed my feelings when I learnt he was with her, and even played the good friend. He came to me on his own when he realised they weren’t compatible.


    RELATED: A Side Chick’s Guide for When the Partner Finds Out


    I reduced my communication with Michelle to avoid getting involved in giving relationship advice or answering questions about Jacob’s changed attitude. She must’ve noticed my coldness but I tried my best not to give it much thought and just focus on being happy with Jacob. I knew he spoke with her and had to be as loving as possible — when they weren’t fighting — so she wouldn’t know he’d mentally checked out, but it was me he was with, so it didn’t matter. 

    The situation continued for about a year until she visited home in April 2021, and Jacob finally ended the relationship. In the end, it was a  mutual break-up. She didn’t see herself returning to Nigeria permanently, so she didn’t think they had a future together anymore. I’m not sure if she knows I’m with Jacob now — I tend to avoid bringing her up with him — but she’ll definitely know soon because we’re now engaged.

    Jacob popped the question on Christmas Day 2022, and I said yes. We’re very much in love, and I look forward to spending forever with him. In life, shit happens. You never know when shit will get thrown at you. People say, “Don’t let your partner keep you from finding the love of your life”. What about not letting your happiness slip away just because someone got there first?


    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    NEXT READ: Perfectionism Is Ruining My Life

  • 7 Nigerian Cosplayers Talk About the Joy of Finding a Community

    Nigerian anime fans got to have a safe space to gather and interact with each other at the 2022 Eko Anime Fest. And the cosplayers who attended had a lot to say about the joy of finding a like-minded community. Read about it here. 

    Emmanuel

    This is my first anime event. I love the experience so far. It’s really nice, and I know it’s going to get better, so I’m here for it. The world is advancing technologically, so I hope they have a VR experience next time. But besides that, I love anime, I love HunterXHunter, my number one is One Piece, and I really like Cowboy Bepop. I’ve been watching anime since I was in junior school.

    Mine

    I’ve been watching anime since I was six, and my first was Naruto. Yes, I’m one of them; Naruto is my favourite anime. I’ve cosplayed about four times now. I cosplayed Carole from Carole & Tuesday and Yumeko from Kakegurui. I’ve been to about four anime cosplay events, and my favourite thing is seeing other people as enthusiastic about what we love around me. I love the feeling of being around people who understand why we do what we do. It’s a small-ish community, but it makes me happy.

    Femi

    I’ve cosplayed just once before this, and I did Itachi. My favourite anime is Naruto, but I like Akame Ga Kill. My big three are Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist and Akame Ga Kill. I’ve been watching anime since 2004, when I saw Ronin Kenshin. This might be my first anime con, but I’m impressed by how people went all out. They took their time to cosplay their characters, and I see the effort. I also love how this small community helps me meet like-minded people who love anime. 

    Kammie

    I’ve been watching anime for two years. My favourite anime is One Piece and Kuroko no Basket. This is the second anime con event I’ve cosplayed at, and I love how happy everyone is. People come up to you to take pictures because they appreciate the effort you put into your cosplay. It’s amazing, and I love that we get to have this. For anyone trying to get into anime, it’s not too late. Watch Naruto, Food Wars, Demon Slayer and Black Clover as a starter. We’ll all be here for you.

    Saiki

    I’ve been watching anime for two years, since the pandemic. I’d heard about Naruto from primary school to uni, so it felt like a new starting point. I finally had time to try it because I was at home with nothing to do. I’ve seen almost 100 episodes since then because I kept watching them back-to-back to catch up. I’ve slowed down a lot, though. I love Saiki, it’s my comfort anime, but my favourites are Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and Attack on Titan

    This is my first time cosplaying, so I tried to do something not so risky but still significant. I did Saiki since he’’s my favourite character. It was fun to source the material to make it happen. I’m new here, but obviously, anime is going mainstream, so I love the sense of community we get to have. People on the road might wonder what we’re doing, but we get each other. It’s fun to see people excited about something others consider a niche. It’s just fun to be around people you can relate with.

    Bolu

    I’ve been a big anime fan for five years now. Not to be cliche, but I love One Piece a lot. Then there’s One Piece, Haikyuu!! and Dororo. I love cosplaying. I cosplayed as No-Face for the first time last year and actually won the competition. I love seeing other people as weird as me, who share similar interests and love of anime, in the same place. It’s so cool. Where else will I see these many people looking like this in Lagos? 

    Crys.chan.cosplay

    I’ve been watching anime since primary school; my first was Pokemon. My big three are My Hero Academia, Haikyuu!! and Fullmetal Alchemist. Anyone who wants to start off should try Demon Slayer or Noragami. For romance, try My Little Monster and Say I Love You

    I’m a regular cosplayer. In 2022, I did about 26 cosplays in total, and I make almost all the costumes from scratch. I love coming to community events like these ‘cause everyone else I know dismisses my interest, but here, everyone likes it as much as I do. And I love it.


    RELATED: Now That Ash and Pikachu Are Jobless, Here’s What They Can Do Next

  • I Hate My Birthday, and It’s Because It’s in January
    Image Source: FreeImages

    I love birthdays, but I hate that mine is in January. If people can change their names as often as they like, why can’t we change our birth dates too? 

    Stuck between December and February, January is the least exciting month of the year. Not only is it faced with so much negativity, it’s also been tagged the longest month of the year. Not because it has 31 days — after all, so does the beloved December — but because people suffer withdrawals from the holiday period, facing the consequences of all the financial decisions they made and switching back to modern slavery capitalism mode. 


    RELATED: 8 Stages of Resuming Work After the Holidays


    Growing up, I didn’t really understand this. That’s why when anyone said, “You know how January is” instead of getting me gifts or even remembering my birthday, I attributed it to being a middle child. To help people “plan” better, I usually had to start announcing my birthday at the beginning of December. 

    This worked with my nuclear family because every birthday from my 10th was celebrated, even if it was only with home-baked cake and Bobo drink. I’d always wondered how different it’d be if I were born at a different time in the year, not so close to the start or end — June or July, preferably. Would I still need to put in so much effort to be celebrated? 


    RELATED:  11 of The Worst Things About Having A Birthday In December


    Now in my 20s, I’ve become less enthusiastic about my birthday with each passing year. Maybe it’s old age, or I’m just tired, or because I’ve joined the population of people awaiting January salary, but I don’t try to celebrate my birthday anymore. It’s just the one day I take off hating on January like the rest of the world. 

    I’ve gotten used to everyone complaining about being too broke in January to afford gifts or even go out. That’s why 2023 shocked me. Because for the first time, it seemed like everyone but me was excited about my birthday. They were so used to me planning my birthday weeks ahead, they were waiting excitedly for this year. 

    So even though I didn’t feel like doing anything, my sister kept insisting on a house party, which she went on to sponsor because, let’s be fucking for real, what money am I supposed to use? Not the salary from December that finished that same December. My friend even offered to plan while everyone outdid themselves with gifts. Now, I’m plagued with spending the rest of the year buying birthday presents for everyone — even those I’d typically not gift — because they got me something. 

    It’s been just a few days since my birthday, and people have already started talking about Valentine’s Day, which is in February, FGS. Guys, you had December to do all your “love” things. Can you all let January have it’s moment?


    READ NEXT: 10 Ways to Make Sure You Never Receive a Bad Birthday Gift

  • Hear Me Out: Why Can’t I Sleep With My Female Friends?

    Men can never catch a break with women. It’s always one thing or the other with them. 

    “Don’t approach women at the gym.” 

    “Leave women alone once they say no.” 

    “Don’t comment on women’s bodies.”

    And now, it’s “Men should stop trying to sleep with their female friends.”

    Ugh. Should we just stop existing? 

    I don’t understand why women complain about finding male friends who don’t want to sleep with them. I don’t see the problem here. Because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I can’t find you attractive. Is it my fault you’re gorgeous? 

    Honestly, what do women want? You have men fawning over you and it’s a problem because they’re your friend? Isn’t this a way to eat your cake and have it? You have friends willing to sleep with you with no strings attached, and you’re complaining? And I know for sure that these women also want to sleep with said male friends but they’re doing shakara. 

    We guys think about having sex with a lot of women, so the fact that your friend is interested in you sexually, shouldn’t come as a surprise. We are men, and our higher testosterone levels make us think about and crave sex more than women. Sleeping with our female friends is a way for us to have sex with people we know, without any form of attachment. 

    Also, do you know how hard it is to not try to have sex with a woman we’re attracted to all in the name of “She’s my friend”? So I find you attractive, but because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I shouldn’t make a move to sleep with you? Fuck that. At least let me attempt, and if you’re not interested, I’ll back off. 

    Women make sex a bigger deal than it is. If given the chance, I’d sleep with almost all my female friends (except the ones in relationships) because it’s just sex. It’s hard for men to have female friends and not want to sleep with them. We just try our best not to so you won’t get annoyed and end the friendship.

    I need women to know it’s not that serious. Having sex with your male friends won’t ruin the relationship as long as you have rules and boundaries. It’s better than having sex with strangers. 

    Yours Truly, 

    A Nigerian man

    16/1/2023


    By the way, in case you didn’t notice and you want to fight me, this is a satirical article. I’m not a Nigerian man, abeg.

  • Baileys Delight Threw The Best Dinner Party Of 2022, And Here’s How It Went

    If we learnt one thing from last year, it’s that nobody knows how to throw a dinner party like Baileys Delight, and we have receipts to prove it.

    This one was a dinner party was designed for maximum delight

    The dinner party was themed “12 Delight Treats” but they forgot to mention that the “enjoyment” in the theme was silent.

    You had to treat your way to getting an invite

    Believe it or not, to stand a chance, all followers needed to do was to let us in on their plans to indulge with Baileys Delight treats over the holidays.

    Things escalated when they announced the celebrity guest 

    In the end, those who won the prize for overall best in foodie eventually got invited to the party for even more Baileys Delight treats.

    And the view was mad

    The venue was excellent—a rooftop dinner party at the Ebonylife Place in Victoria Island with a beautiful skyline view. But the skyline wasn’t the only great view at the event. Just look at the people too. All smiling and happy in the name of Baileys Delight.

    Guests got photo ops with Sharon Ooja, just so they can tension everyone else after the party.

    You just know the party is lit when Sharon Ooja shows up for it.

  • This Artist Imagines Peace While Offering “Community Therapy”

    Through his art exhibitions, Onoja Jacob is promoting peace among communities in Jos, North-Central Nigeria.

    by Dorcas Bello, Bird Story Agency

    When Jacob Onoja opens the door to welcome guests into his house in Jos, Plateau State, the first thing that catches one’s eyes are the exquisite paintings on the walls. This is an artist who lives and breathes art.

    “As far back as I can remember, I have always loved scribbling, drawing, painting and visualising imaginary things in the sky. I did it in my teenage years, and I still do in my adult life,” he said.

    Onoja started to paint professionally in 1987 when he opened a studio, the Diadem Art Gallery. To refine his talent, he enrolled at Ahmadu Bello University, where he earned his first degree in fine and applied art. After his mandatory NYSC year, Onoja displayed some of his paintings at the NICON Hotel in Abuja, and after attaining a master’s degree at Ahmadu Bello University, enrolled for a doctorate in art history. Earning his doctorate in 2014, he then joined the University of Jos as a lecturer. But he never let go of his private studio engagement.

    “It hasn’t been an easy ride juggling academics and private studio practice, but what keeps me moving is the long-term impact of my work. I have already started seeing the fruit of my labour as some of my students are now professional artists,” he said.

    While Onoja uses his brush to depict a wide range of subjects on his canvases, the theme of peace is close to his heart.

    “I was born and still live here in Plateau State, a place that has suffered insecurity, both cross-border and inter-communal,” he said.

    Through his art, Onoja projects peace as a value presented not only as a right but something every individual needs to consciously strive for. This he describes as a form of community therapy.

    “I try to tell stories of peace to entrap people into my space of therapy,” he explained.

    In 2014, Onoja launched an annual exhibition called “Landscapes and More” that brings people from within and outside of Plateau State together to discuss peace as they experience the stories behind his paintings. Since then, it has been held every December as an artistic event to “wrap up the year”.

    “It is a time of the year I look forward to, and many attendees have made it their annual routine,” he said.

    One of those who’ve been attending the exhibition is Nenkinan Deshi.

    “Onoja’s consistency in bringing peace messages is so healing… the scars of the instability in our state that I had nursed for years have been healed by the exhibitions. I appreciate his work and determination to preach peace through his art,” Deshi said.

    Onoja says he draws inspiration for his work from nature: flowers, buzzing bees, the skyline, waterfalls, everything nature offers. But above all, he is inspired by the divine.

    Onoja’s work enabled him to lead the Zaman Tare project, a peace partnership between CANFOD, an NGO based in Abuja, and the European Union, from January 2018 until January 2020. Zaman Tare means
    “peaceful co-existence” in Hausa.

    Its impact was summed up by Anas Ibrahim Suleiman, a community youth leader in Nasarawa Filin Ball, one of the “hot zones”:

    “I have never experienced something so great and more than ever before, I have seen the need for us to work for peace together as a community,” said Suleiman.

    Onoja has been engaged in other group and solo exhibitions, with some of his paintings appearing in foreign publications and receiving great patronage. He also says art pays most of his bills besides being a fulfilling career. His paintings sell between ₦7k ($15) for the smallest size, to ₦350k ($780) for the big pieces. However, the prices can also be higher depending on the place and organisers of the exhibition.

    To speak to a broader audience, Onoja has gone digital and is also using Non-Fungible Tokens (NFTs) to sell his work.

    “Digitalisation, especially the NFTs, is revolutionising African art. More creatives should leverage the technology to advertise and sell their artworks,” he said. On future plans:

    “I want to grow and nurture this ‘baby’, the Diadem Art Gallery, into a huge enterprise specialising in collecting paintings and exhibitions on (the) theme of peace and co-existence,” he said. “I will continue to devote all my energy to art, my career as a lecturer and peace crusader”.

    Creator Spotlight: Zonna on Creating Sustainable Art Through Tuft

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  • The Most Frustrating People to Be Out With When You Want to Have Fun  

    You’ve decided you want to go out to turn up. Good for you. But if you truly want to have a good time at whatever event you attend, don’t go out with any of these people because they’ll frustrate you one way or another. 

    Couples

    Go out with a couple, and you’ll regret it. All they know how to do is annoying PDAs and to exchange saliva any chance they get. I invited you out for drinks not a dry hump. 

    Ambiverts 

    At least with introverts, you know they prefer to stay home. Ambiverts have on and off days, and sometimes, they don’t even know they don’t want to be out until they’re actually out. God help you if you’re out with an ambivert on a day they want to stay in. They’ll annoy you by constantly acting like they’re being punished. They won’t even try to have fun;, they’ll sit in a corner and press their phones. Meanwhile, they’re the ones who asked to go with you. Chisom, we just got here; stop asking if we can leave. 

    9-5ers

    9-5ers are full-blown party animals. It’s like they channel all the stress from their work into energy for turn up. When you go out with them, you’ll be exhausted within one hour. If you’re out with bankers, architects or lawyers to be precise, just be ready to stay out till 5 a.m. They don’t know when to call it a night, even when they have work the following day.

    Lightweights 

    They never know their alcohol limits, so they end up drinking to stupor and misbehaving. Instead of shaking your ass on the dance floor, you’ll be taking care of somebody else’s child in the toilet.

    ALSO READ: The  Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party

    People who live with their parents 

    They’ll try to include you in one stressful lie or scheme so that they can be out. When they’re finally out, they’re paranoid about getting caught. Can’t even post them on your insta story in case one grand cousin’s sister’s daughter accidentally finds your page. Omo, Tunde, this isn’t what I signed up for. Then there are the ones with 9 p.m. curfews, who try to make you leave early too. You and who? Do I leave with your parents?

    People who live far away

    They always have to leave early because their house is far from civilisation. You sef should know better than to invite somebody from FESTAC out at night. If you want them to stay longer, you have to give them a place to sleep.

    Gym buffs

    Latest 7 p.m., they’re heading back home because they have to go to the gym the next morning. And while they’re out, they won’t eat or drink certain things because it’s not part of their diet. And they’ll judge you while you’re eating your shawarma and fries at 11 p.m. As if you’re on the diet with them. 

    Influencers

    All they want to do is record videos of every single thing that’s happening, all in the name of content. Instead of properly partying, they’re shooting “Come turn up with me on a Friday night” vlogs. If you give them the chance, they’ll carry tripod to the club. 

    Zikoko staff

    We’re not normal people. We’ll ask you to do weird things like mix vodka with jollof rice, then you’ll end up with diarrhoea at the club.  

    ALSO READ: All You Need to Know Before Attending a House Party in Nigeria

  • 7 Foolproof Ways to Get Yourself Uninvited From Group Trips

    Are group trips actually fun? Do you people that snap group photos of your passports actually go out and have fun, or are we all lying to ourselves? 

    Me, I don’t like group trips because they seem unnecessary. Why can’t we have fun at someone’s house? If you’re like me, this is how to get your friends to shout, “God forbid!” whenever your name comes up for the next trip to Lakowe Lakes. 

    Don’t reply on time on the group chat

    Air everyone. They’ll leave you next time. 

    Start a “no talking” rule for the duration of the trip

    And if someone talks, use Oraimo cord to wipe their neck. 

    Start a rumour about the trip

    Say it’s actually a secret cult initiation. The spicier the gist, the better. You can even tweet it on your burner. 

    Pack your bags and leave without telling anyone

    This is even better if the trip was your idea. 

    Pretend to be a travel blogger

    Spend the entire trip saying stuff like, “Hi guys. Welcome back to my YouTube channel!”

    Sleep with a group member’s partner right before the trip

    There must be drama. There MUST be drama. 

    Pack smelly food for the trip

    Fufu? Yes. Unwashed shrimp? Absolutely. 

  • Signs That Your Friend Is About to Breakup With You

    We all agree friendship breakups hurt the most, especially when it’s unexpected. So we’re here to make sure you’re at least not blindsided when it happens. The moment your friend starts doing these things, know they’re about to cut you off. 

    They don’t pick up your call on the first ring

    First, they pick up after the first three rings. Next, they start making you call twice. Before you know it, they’ve blocked you. Better shine your eyes.

    You send them memes, and they don’t reply

    Every day, you surf the internet looking for ways to put a smile on their faces, and they can’t acknowledge your hard work? It won’t be long till they ghost you. Trust us. 

    They don’t comment on your pictures

    You post a hot picture on your status, and they can’t even send you a message to gas you up? Even small fire emoji they didn’t send? They clearly don’t love you, and it shows. 

    They put their partner first

    All their posts and tweets are always “My babe this. My babe that”. What about you? Don’t you do anything for them? Don’t they love you? They’re laying the foundation so they can claim they married their best friend when they cut you off. 

    They start giving you unsolicited advice

    Out of nowhere, your friend has started calling you out for spending your last ₦2k on shawarma or lying to get out of work. A good friend should support all your decisions, even the bad ones. So when they start pointing out your bad habits, o ti lo.

    They have inside jokes with other people

    They’re already making memories with others. There’s no way for them to defend this. And before you know it, they’ve forgotten about you. 

    They start keeping secrets from you

    You’re always the one giving them gist. Every time you ask them what’s happening, they’ll give you one vague response, “Nothing interesting”. They know what they’re doing. 

    They return the things they borrow

    You may think it’s a good thing, but you don’t know they’re trying to remove all reminders of you from their life. A good friend will take your blouse and not return it, at least, until you ask.

    They go out without you

    The moment they start going out, especially with other friends, and posting fun pictures and videos about it, pack your bags. They don’t have the mind to break up with you directly, so they’re trying to pepper you and start fights. 

    They make jokes about cutting you off

    Ahan! If they “threatened” to block or cut you off, what’s left to say again? It’s a new year, they’ll definitely do it. It’s only a matter of time. 

    READ NEXT: 7 Nigerians Share Their Worst Friendship Breakup Stories 

  • Creator Spotlight: Bube on Not Letting Her Height Stop Her Dreams

    Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.

    Bube Israel likes to be defined as a multi-dimensional creator. She’s a supermodel, designer and creative director. Bube doesn’t eat chocolate, shawarma or burgers because she’s a picky eater. Bube is very pro amala and semo. She’s a cancer moon but doesn’t like to claim it cause she doesn’t like cancers. She used to play basketball when she was younger but stopped suddenly.

    We have to talk about why you stopped playing basketball. You have the height!

    I played from primary school to high school. I stopped because my mom bought me one gorgeous wristwatch. I wore it to practice because I was excited. They pushed me, I fell, and the watch broke. I quit immediately. I would like to play basketball again. I also started modelling in primary school.

    You know what? Fair. Modelling as a kid sounds fun. What was that like?

    I started modelling before I clocked 7. My mum used to take me around for shoots. She says she was a model before, but I haven’t seen any pictures.

    You said she has no proof; I’m screaming!

    No, no, no., In her defence, there weren’t pictures then. But I mean, she looked like one, so I believe her. My sister was also a model. She wasn’t a professional, but I saw her on several calendars, which made me decide to pursue it full-time. My mum is also a designer, so she taught me everything I know about sewing and designing. I’ve never in my life wanted to work a nine-to-five. It’s just not for me. I’ve never been signed or worked with an agency. Corny as this might sound, I’m just a lucky girl. My work just speaks for itself. I started officially modelling again three years ago.

    Even as a kid, you weren’t signed? How did you get booked?

    I modelled for kids’ fashion shows. I did one in Abuja. I remember only two others. My mum knew her way around all these things and supported me. Now that I’m grown in modelling, people think I’m too short. I’m 5’8, so I don’t book runway shoots. I only work private shoots. I’ve gone for casting only twice or thrice in my life because I don’t deal well with rejection. 

    My 5’5 self is just stunned. What’s one of your most ridiculous rejections?

    The first time I went as an older model, I was excited and flattered because people there told me I had high cheekbones. The judges saw me, and they were like, “Oh my god. You are stunning”, so I felt they were aware of my presence, and they’d picked me. Tell me why I didn’t hear my name when we were done. I’m not a punctual person. I’m trying, but in my head, time is not real. The call time was 8 a.m., my mum woke me by 5 a.m., and I was at the venue by 6 a.m., so tell me, why this girl who came in by 2 p.m. got the job? I almost gave up on modelling after that. But, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always said I wanted to be a fashion designer and model. What I’m doing now feels like I’m living my childhood dream. Maybe I should be bigger. 

    Does this height issue bother you?

    No, it doesn’t because I didn’t create myself. 

    I know my height is a hindrance to runway modelling. I don’t go for castings anymore because I don’t want anyone to make me feel less or bad for not being selected. I know my strength. It’s in editorial, commercial modelling or private runways where they say height isn’t a problem. For most castings, they’d tell you the minimum height is 5’9. My doctor told me I’m 5’8.

    There’s no way that one inch is noticeable

    They would literally measure you. One time, they measured me, and apparently, I wasn’t up to 5’8, so the guy asked me what I was doing there. I was like, “I’m 5’8”. And he was like, “You’re 5’7.7. Please, get out of here”. God, I cried that day. 

    Why would anybody talk that way?

    Oh, that’s standard behaviour. I went for one casting, and we were in a queue, but this tall stunning babe was on her own. Then, a casting guy who wasn’t even a judge saw her and told her to “Get the fuck out of this place”. If you see how I carried my bag and left the queue before I’d be the next target. I don’t know what devil he was fighting, but not me. Later, I jokingly asked a model what she did. Apparently, the casting guy had been a model for a long time. He said she was a new model and can’t just take up space without paying her dues. 

    Wait, what does that mean? 

    It’s a connection thing. You have to know people. He said he didn’t hate her but did that so she could toughen up. I hate embarrassment in my life. That was my last casting in 2019. 

    That must’ve been a tough decision to make

    It was. I wasn’t signed to an agency, so I had to work twice as hard as a signed model. I made myself a brand. I had to work on how people would see me. I reached out to different photographers and handled the styling. I’d reach out to photographers and makeup artists to collaborate. I’d create mood boards and send to them, explaining that I was an upcoming model.  

    I followed people who I felt were doing what I wanted to do at the time. I followed models already in the industry, photographers, everyone. I started to get work through word of mouth. You know how you work with one big person, and other people believe in you automatically? That’s what happened to me. The first photographer who believed in me was Lex Ash, so shout out to him. I started modelling full-time when I graduated high school. 

    What year was that? 

    I graduated in 2015, and I think I started modelling in 2018. I wanted a year off before going to uni, and then Nigeria happened, so I kept taking more time. I’m currently in 100 level, studying accounting.

    What sorts of jobs did you do?

    I saw my mates get cast for all those wedding makeup jobs. I’ve never been a femme girl, but I wanted to feel included. Whenever people wanted to book me, they’d say, “Yeah, that androgynous model”. Who said I was androgynous? I didn’t want to accept that. When I’d get booked with other models, they’d put makeup on them and focus on skincare for me. I was on a low cut, almost bald, and they loved the look.

    Did it affect how you felt about yourself? 

    No, actually. It made me come to terms with it. Honestly, I think modelling helped a lot in my self-discovery. I love myself now, and I think I’m hot, but back then, I didn’t understand what it meant to be beautiful in your own way. Even though I won “most photogenic” in school, I still wanted the attention of being pretty. 

    Back then, people saw models as people with strong features. I wasn’t conventionally pretty, but I did want to be one of those pretty girls. My face has brought me enough money in this life, so I’m thankful. I figured out what worked for me and stuck to it. They even bullied me for not having boobs. God will not punish them for calling me drawing board in school. 

    OMG. Kids are so mean

    For no reason! Like, we were still developing. They made me cry a lot. It didn’t help that I started to have a shape, but nothing else was growing, so they said my ribs had bent. I called my mom the next day, crying. It was insane what they did to me in Queen’s College. At one point, I used to pray to God every day to give me boobs and ass. I made my mum buy me push-up bras to push bone, and she indulged me. Until I woke up one day in 2019 and was late for a friend’s birthday. I couldn’t find a bra, and that was it. Anyone that has issues with seeing nipples needs to check themselves. I’m not the cause of your problems, man. 

    So childhood insults gave you thick skin against the modelling industry?

    Exactly. Now, there’s nothing you can tell me I haven’t heard before. 

    How would you describe your personal style? 

    I’d say free. I do anything, and I’m very experimental. I always say I have a hundred faces and personalities. I love being unpredictable. You’d expect me to turn up in a mini skirt, and I’d show up in a suit. I’ve always been blessed with a mom who accepts whatever I want to do, and however I present. Like two years ago, I struggled with mini skirts, now I just dress for comfort.

    Modelling helps me get comfortable in whatever I wear, you can’t tell them you don’t want to wear what they give you, even when it’s unflattering. It’s my job to convince people the pieces are beautiful. I work on my poses, and the photographer contributes by capturing the right angles. Confidence completes and brings out each look.

    Is it this ability that distinguishes a model from a supermodel? 

    I’m just so extra. I like to call myself a supermodel because there are models, and then, there’s me.

    Mood! Do you have a favourite editorial you’ve worked on?

    I think all the editorials I styled myself for. Those are quite old, but yeah, they’re my favourites. I design and make the clothes then curate the mood boards of what I want the outfit and shoot to look and feel like. That’s why I say I’m a model and creative director. It’s just that I can’t pay myself. This is why people believe in my styling abilities. I never came out to say, “Please, I’m a stylist. Hire me”. My work spoke for itself. 

    When did you take up styling full-time?

    About a year ago, but ever since I started modelling, I’ve always styled myself from my own wardrobe or even pieces my mum doesn’t use anymore that I DIY. I’m obsessed with taking pictures, so it was easy to document my work and put it out there. I’ve worked with a couple of Nigerian artists. 

    Now’s the time to name-drop for us

    I worked with SGaWD, and I occasionally make clothes for her. I currently work with Somadina. Almost everything on her page right now was styled by me. I’ve worked with Tomi Owo and Fave. I assisted with a Big Brother project in 2021. We designed different pieces and made clothes for that set. I’ve worked with some influencers outside Nigeria. 

    There’s also this friend of mine that was a contestant for Miss Nigeria in the UK; I made her clothes. I don’t box myself in, and I love working on new things, so if it’s something I think I can take on, I always go for it. She believed in me, and brought me the first big girl job that made me a lot of money. It’s funny because I don’t have my brand out yet, so all these people support me because they believe in me.

    That’s actually so sweet. Let’s talk money. How do you charge for modelling and styling? 

    I made my first million naira in 2022. I’ve made close to 200 clothes just based on people liking how I style myself. Whenever I want to charge, I have to ask my mum or friends how much they think I should. The lowest I’ve ever charged was ₦5k for a velvet two-piece in 2019. The most I’ve charged for one dress was ₦600k. For modelling, the least I’ve been paid was in exposure — exposure to sun and rain. I can’t lie, modelling doesn’t really pay me, and they don’t respect your time either. As freelancers, nobody tells you how much they get paid. Some people would even steal jobs from you. 

    What do you do to relax when you’re not acquiring new skills? 

    I don’t relax. My brain is always active — I overthink a lot and struggle with anxiety. You know how people have problems and can sleep them off? My village people pursue me with those problems into my dreams. Styling was just something I used to do to relax and tension people on Instagram, and now that it’s work, it feels like a chore. One of my goals for this year is to find things that help me relax. 

    Do you plan to expand your team? Maybe that’ll help you relax more

    Yes, I’m actually looking for a good tailor, but I’m a perfectionist. I’ve tried a couple of tailors. I’ve even tried to get a PA before, but it was like I was doing most of the work. So I started paying myself.  

    It sure sounds like a lot of lows. What are the highs?

    For me, my favourite thing is seeing people look hot in my piece and them actually liking it. My friend, who used my piece for a pageant, could’ve hired a designer, but she spent a lot of money supporting me, pushed me to do it and was so happy with the result. There’s also money, obviously. I also just love doing what I do. I love how much I’m growing. 

    What do you want to do in the next couple of years?

    I don’t know how to make long-term plans because whenever I do that, life will be like, “Who are you? Aired”. I’d love to own an agency far into the future. My immediate goal is to establish my brand and connect with more people. One thing I want to do differently is organise shoots for my designs that don’t restrict height, size or anything. So I have to have valuable connections so when I sign and manage models, I can actually get them good jobs. I want to try so many different things. I don’t want to lack, and I don’t even want to be in Nigeria.

    Does your brand have a name yet?

    Yes. It’s called Londier.co. I have a page, and some people know the brand, but I think it’s just my anxiety that’s stopped me from launching. I saved up for it and spent the money multiple times. I wanted to do it in 2022 but I lost my dad. Hopefully, this year. 

    I think the name is very pretty. I already make custom pieces, so I just need to release a collection. 

    I can’t wait to see all you get to do in 2023

    Thank you. I can’t wait too. 

  • 11 Sure-fire Ways to Make Any Work Meeting Awkward

    Work meetings are mostly unnecessary. Why do we need a 30-minute meeting to discuss the number of meetings we have in a week? Why do we need to do daily standups to talk about what we’re doing that day? Why do we need to meet to discuss my performance over the past six months? All these things can easily be said in emails. 

    If you want to ensure nobody invites you to meetings anymore, do these things. 

    Note: You might get fired. But at least, you won’t have meetings when you’re unemployed, so win-win. 

    Interrupt and talk over others

    Don’t let anyone complete a sentence without butting in to say something off-topic. Once you do this five times in 30-minute meetings for one month straight, nobody will invite you to meetings again. This one is tried and tested.

    Unmute your mic and share nasty office gist in the background

    Don’t forget to shout, “Oh my God. I was unmuted?” after someone brings to your attention that you’ve just told the entire team the CEO has been sleeping with interns. 

    Use porn as your video background

    If it’s an online meeting, and they insist everyone has to put their videos on, just use porn as your video background and say you don’t know how to change it. Nobody is inviting you to meeting again. 

    Make up words and use them repeatedly

    When they eventually ask you the meaning of the word, insist that it’s industrial jargon. The fact that they don’t know it means they’re not up to date on industry standards.

    Eat noisily during the meeting

    If it’s an in-person meeting, fufu and efo riro is perfect. If it’s a video call, messily eat shawarma. But whatever you eat, eat loudly. 

    Bring a pet and treat it as a “co-worker” participating in the meeting

    When you’re done speaking, look to your dog and say, “So Jack, anything for us?” Then laugh for like one minute straight. Nobody will call you to a meeting again, walahi. 

    Randomly share personal information

    When it’s your turn to speak about your weekend, go into detail about how it was a bad weekend because you couldn’t last more than three minutes in bed even though your therapist said you should think about your dead grandma while having sex. That’ll be a great way to start the meeting. 

    Use a voice changer

    Imagine you’re at your appraisal and you sound like one of the chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sounds fun, no?

    Share your screen and open a video that’s loud and inappropriate

    May we suggest sites where you can find these?

    Speak in a poorly-done accent throughout the meeting

    How’s your Russian accent? Work calls are a great time to practice. 

    Put your camera on then leave the room

    Let your coworkers speak to a chair. 

  • Stay in Lagos: Houses in These 6 Areas Are No Less Expensive

    I heard people are complaining, yet again, about the criminal rent prices in Lagos.

    Even if you’re lucky to find a reasonably priced apartment, give it a year, and inflation will greet you in typical fashion.

    But if you want to run away from Lagos because of rent prices, avoid a case of “from frying pan to fire” by crossing these places off your list.

    “Abuja is no better”

    — Debby, 35

    I thought Lagos was bad till I moved to Abuja in early 2022. I only looked for apartments in what we’d call the “suburbs”, like Kubwa and Lugbe. Tell me why I was hearing ₦1.7m to ₦1.8m for two-bedroom apartments?

    “They’ve moved Lagos craze to Ibadan”

    — Torera, 28

    Gone are the days when people move to Ibadan because they can’t afford Lagos. If you have a certain standard of living and want a decent one-bedroom mini flat in places like Bodija, just hold like ₦1m, minus agent fees.

    “Port Harcourt is also pricey”

    — Odi, 27

    Renting here is also pricey, especially well-known residential estates or GRAs like Eliozu, Woji and the like. Two-bedroom apartments in these areas can cost as much as ₦900k – ₦1.2m per annum, but it’d most likely be a new building and really standard.

    “The agents in Ado-Ekiti are in a weird competition”

    — Ope, 33

    I moved here in 2019 when you could still find standard three-bedroom apartments for between ₦200k to ₦250k. Now, you may need to budget around ₦400k if you want a new two-bedroom apartment with basic amenities, especially around areas close to the tertiary institutions. The prices may not be as bad as Lagos, but the business prospects in Ekiti are next to nothing, so it doesn’t make sense.

    Then there are the agents who love to increase rent every year, as if they’re chasing them. 

    “The popular areas in Ilorin cost more”

    — Adetola, 30

    Rent is quite reasonable in Ilorin, except if you’re looking in places like Tanke or the GRA. GRA is the best area in Ilorin, and you can get a two-bedroom apartment for around ₦400k – ₦550k per annum. It’s not as much as what it’d cost in Lagos, but it can also be ridiculous, considering it’s much lesser in the inner towns.


    RELATED: 8 Signs You Are About to Rent a Useless House in Ilorin


    “You won’t even see what you’re paying for in Abeokuta”

    — Dara, 25

    You can get a one-bedroom apartment at around ₦400k in Oke-Mosan — which is one of the nicer neighbourhoods in the city — but my problem is you won’t even see what you’re paying for. It’s either the road is bad, the landlord wakes up and decides to increase the rent or light becomes an issue.


    NEXT READ: 5 Nigerians Talk About Their Struggle With Raising Rent

  • Dear Lagos, We Need These 9 Venues ASAP

    Every five minutes, a new restaurant or club opens in Lagos. It’s enough, abeg. How many food man wan chop? We need other options for places to go and things to do. So Lagos, please, give us these things in 2023.

    Botanical gardens 

    Instead of yet another park that’ll be neglected, Lagos should give us a botanical garden. I don’t care where they want to get the money from, but they should do it. See, everyone who’s planning to open a restaurant or club this year should come together and combine their money to give us a big, beautiful botanic garden, like the one in Capetown.

    A rage room

    Image credit: Web Urbanist

    Lagosians are always angry and transferring aggression because we have no way of releasing the anger. Give us one or two rage rooms where we can vent and maybe everyone would be a little bit happier. 

    Another arcade

    Image credit: KSNV

    Lagos is too populated for there to be just two proper arcades. It’s not every time people want to eat fancy tasteless food. Sometimes, they want to play Pac-Man or Whac-a-Mole, but they can’t, because there’s no arcade nearby. 

    ALSO READ: 6 Nigerians Talk About How Much It Costs To Live In Lagos

    A free beach

    Image credit: Planet Ware

    Instead of making us pay to sit down, it’ll be better for Lagos beach owners to carry guns and rob us directly. We need new beaches in Lagos that don’t charge us for every little thing and have more to offer than expensive alcohol and overpriced food. 

    An amusement park

    Image credit: Coasterpedia

    The  good amusement park we have in Lagos is situated in Ibeju-Lekki, practically Ogun state if we’re being honest. And it doesn’t have a lot of interesting rides that make your heart enter your mouth. We deserve a proper amusement park where people can go and play like children, scream and release adrenaline. And please, let it not have some outrageous fee. 

    VR reality rooms

    Image credit: Slaylebrity

    We need more VR places in Lagos. Partying and drinking aren’t the only escapes from reality. People would pay good money to temporarily escape the constraints of the real world to a world where nothing is impossible.  Lagos, please, do better.  

    Selfie museums 

    Image credit: Statesman.com

    A selfie museum is a picture lover (and influencer)’s dream. A place with perfect lighting, backdrops, themed sections, props, etc., where people can take perfect pictures and videos. Content creators will finish their money in this place, and others will go just for the fun of taking nice photos. We need one in Lagos ASAP.

    Skydiving and bungee jumping spots

    Image credit: The Guardian Nigeria

    The only problem is Nigerians may not go to a bungee jumping spot in Lagos because they’ll use cheap ropes that’ll cut and kill them. But it’s a euphoria-inducing type of fun, and Lagos people love anything that can make them feel “high”.

    Zoo

    Image credit: Touropia

    In this big Lagos, how do we not have a Zoo? I’m not talking about all those mini zoos with starving animals. Imagine a big ass one with a variety of animals, an aquarium, a park for picnics, play areas, gift shops, etc. We deserve better than a conservation centre with five monkeys. 

    ALSO READ: 5 Times Living in Lagos Will Humble You

  • 8 Habits You Should Pick Up to Survive January

    Before you join the million other people hating on January, you should know there are things you can do to help make it suck a little less.

    Start doing these things if you want to get through January in one piece.

    Fast

    To make it better, some churches declare fasts in January. Even if you aren’t religious, you can pretend it’s because you want to lose the Christmas weight, and not because your account balance is dead and buried. You can’t go wrong with fasting

    Become an introvert

    It’s not like there’s anywhere you can go. The parties are over, and most people are back to steady grinding.

    But still attend owambes

    People will still throw wedding parties every weekend like they’re not in this same Nigeria. That’s their own. Your own is to attend and eat free food. 

    Trek everywhere

    Use it as a form of exercise. You can even think about your life and why you thought it was okay to finish your December salary before Christmas while at it.


    RELATED: 7 Ways to Prevent “Insufficient Funds” From Choking You in January


    Start fights for no reason

    Because you need to let out your frustrations. Fight with danfo conductors, or just drag people on Twitter, if throwing physical blows isn’t your thing.

    Drink more water

    A wise woman once said, “The one whose stomach is filled with water doesn’t desire food” or something like that. To make yourself feel better, you can even say you’re doing it for clearer skin.

    Become prayerful

    Make no mistake, you’ll need an all-powerful force to keep you relatively sane this month. The good thing is it works hand-in-hand with fasting.

    Try your hand at motivational quotes

    You need to believe you can aspire to maguire because the 774 days in January will try to break your spirit. Be prepared.


    NEXT READ: How to Work When Work Is the Last Thing on Your Mind