Is it the big 3-0 or the small 3-0? It doesn’t matter, but what does matter is that nothing extraordinary happens when you turn 30 (unless you work for it) – except getting older.
Now that requires no work at all.
A lot of us young people think that if we don’t achieve certain things by that age, we never will.
I say that’s total bullshit. Life is a never ending process. It’s never too late to learn or achieve anything we set our minds to — until we are dead or we give up. You know, whichever happens first. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t challenge ourselves – or just generally take advantage of our youth.
So here’s a list of things you should do before you’re 30 – since, as everyone knows, when you turn 30 you shrivel up and die…or turn into a pumpkin.
30. Google yourself
Haven’t done that already? Don’t worry, you’re not a narcissist if you do. And you might be shocked at what you might find. You do know that Big Brother is watching, right?
Yup, I Google myself all the time. Sometimes totally random shit comes up when you search your real life name. Trust me.
29. Do the thing you are most afraid of
Climb a mountain, defy gravity, swim with sharks, take up public speaking, take a selfie at the tallest building in the world — whichever floats your boat. Just do it.
28. Take a gap year, go on a road trip
To be honest, most Africans don’t do gap year. If you’re at home after secondary school, it’s because you couldn’t get into a higher institution yet. So you’re most probably chilling to try again next year. So if you’re yet to go to college, and have the funds, then by all means do it!
Are you already working? Still take a gap year, and fulfill your wanderlust- travel the world or at least one country on each of the continents. Just get a map, close your eyes, point your finger and whichever country it lands on, pack your bags and go there.
27. Start a business
Everybody has that one venture that, if they won a jackpot, would put the cash towards it. Think hard and well. What is that for you? Are there ways for you start that wouldn’t involve more capital than you already have?
26. Make wise investments
Buy land or property, invest in real estate, get stocks and shares in companies, or if you’re not one for risks just get a fixed deposit account.
Keyword here is ‘wise’ though.
25. Date Somebody
Unless you took a vow to remain single for life.
Be prepared though. Some dates go like this:
24. Get Married
Not because we said so. Only if the date(s) go well.
This is optional. Some enjoy the dating scene. Which is just as well because it can go:
Or:
23. Have a Baby
These days, it isn’t gender specific, either a guy or lady can have a child. You don’t have to be married either. You can use a surrogate or adopt. Or you can choose the cheaper alternative, be a baby daddy or baby mama.
22. Learn a Foreign Language
Or a local language that you don’t know how to speak.
21. Try foreign dishes
Don’t be that Nigerian that travels to a new place and still asks for the nearest Nigerian market. I mean, aren’t you tired of eating eba and egusi? Try new things.
Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen? Food poisoning, but will you die?
20. Read those books and watch those movies you keep lying that you have
Remember when you lied that you’d seen The Godfather or read The Great Gatsby so you wouldn’t be the odd one out in the room? Well, you might as well get to reading those books and watching those movies before you get too old or too busy for it.
19. Get a Pet
There are actually those who prefer the company of animals to humans. They’d rather have a pet than a child. Some prefer both, but then again, some prefer neither. If you’re in the last category, just take care of something else asides yourself, you selfish piece of …sorry, I got carried away.
18. Unplug
From everything. The internet, all gadgets and just communicate the old fashioned way. Try owls. They worked at Hogwarts.
17. Move Out Of Your Parents’ House
Whether or not you intend to get married, do move out of your parents’ house and rent a place of your own. Don’t have enough money? Split cost by renting with friends.
We know it’s hard but please try your best to do it.
Don’t mooch off your parent, get a pair of b$^!@.
16. Pay Your Debts
Unless you want someone to curse you and your lineage.
15. Do you hate your boss and/or your job? Quit
Please quit..like a boss. Life’s too short and ain’t nobody got time to waste. But make sure you have a plan before you do though.
14. Stop eating crap
Stop eating like a hog. Stop pretending you are 20, and take care of your health. It’s surprising what eating healthy can do to your body. You can even lose weight without the need to exercise.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t exercise either.
13. Spontaneously Cut Off All Your Hair
Just feel what it’s like. Haven’t you ever wondered how it’d feel to be able to feel the breeze on your scalp and dance in the rain whenever and wherever you wanted?
12. Sing Karaoke
Or record an actual song. Vic O or Ice JJ Fish might have a better voice than you do, but don’t let that stop you. Yours is probably better than a lot of people out there. Try to look sexy doing it though.
11. Go Hard for 24 Hours
Have you ever partied for 24 hours straight? If you haven’t, do it. Now. Party like you never have before, have a feel of what it’s like to be in The Hangover movies. You’re only this young once.
After 30, you will become that grumpy aunt or uncle who hands out curfews or punishments like giftcards.
Lies. At 30, you totally are.
10. Enjoy a One Night Stand
Spend an evening on the prowl and feel the power of knowing that you’re 100% in control and it’s pretty much a guarantee that you’re going to get lucky. So wrap it up and enjoy your time with a hot dude – or chic – you just met. Don’t ponder if he’s relationship material, or if she has a boyfriend – you’ll never see him/her again (on purpose!).
Just be safe and don’t let it turn into a regular habit! Be warned, some one night stands are downright terrifying.
09. Give Blood
…And get free food, or a drink at least. Please Do this before the one night stand, naturally.
08. Pee in a Swimming Pool
There is NEVER a good reason to pee in a swimming pool. But we cannot always be good so just do it!
But while you are peeing in the pool, don’t scrunch up your face or move away from everyone else – try to act casual while you gross everyone out and pretend to be grossed out too.
07. Get a Tattoo
…or pierce a totally inappropriate place…no need for examples, eh? Just do it now, before 30, while it still makes (no) sense. You can blame it on your youth…or your parents. Because you know, before 30, all your mistakes are their fault.
06. Lie Down On A Bridge
In the middle of the night or during rush hour — depends on how daring you are. It goes without saying that you will be a perfectly alright 30 year old if you don’t do this, except there’s fuel scarcity, then you know, we dare you!
We are not liable for any damages. Repeat, we are not liable for any damages.
05. Have A Pregnancy Scare
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, the rule is the same. You have not lived if you haven’t had a pregnancy scare. And that probably means you didn’t listen to your sex education teacher.
And when you finally do have the scare, make sure that your promises to God are worth it. You can go the Abraham way and promise to burn your legitimate child or you can promise to be celibate, either ways make the negative result count.
Or you know, have more anal.
04. Watch Porn
No, pornography does not cure cancer, you perv. Porn comes with surprising benefits: It’s healthy and hilarious (hello, no story line) and it teaches you to know when your own pizza delivery guy is available for sex. So do it now, because no pizza delivery guy will get with over 30s.
03. Spend all your Savings
Basically, deplete all your savings by being irrefutably stupid. When you’re under 30, you can get away with this because your savings aren’t worth a damn.
But of course, I save, so listen to me at your own risk.
02. Masturbate
Let me just tell say this: If you’re 30 and over and reading this and you masturbate; you’re just lonely. Buy cats or get a mail-order bride.
But if you’re under 30 and constantly rolling your own dice, flourish. *drops mic*
01. Get Arrested
Everybody needs a mugshot. But we are in Nigeria, so…make your own conclusions. Do we even have a prison jumpsuit? Ugh, prison fashion backwards.
All we are saying is, everyone needs to practice the fine art of getting arrested at least once. Before they’re 30, and old and gross.
And if this list comes off as a list of things that only middle-class white people can do, well…meh.
Images: Purefoy; Giphy (32); Memegenerator (3); Quickmeme (1); Memecenter(1)
