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Everybody keeps asking you for job experience, but they will not hire you so you can get the experience.
You see some jobs you clearly don’t qualify for, but you apply for them anyway.
You remember saying your starting salary must be 200k and above, but you are starting to reconsider.
You used to see people walking around with this thing, and you’ve now joined them.
You have been hearing “unpaid internship” up and down, but you’re not that desperate yet.
You have even gone to meet that uncle that promised he’d help you after you graduate, but he is like:
People keep inviting you for job seminars, but you’re just here like:
You have finally resorted to sharing your CV like party pack, “you get a CV, you get a CV, EVERYBODY GETS A CV.”
Your CV is currently on almost every online job site in Nigeria.
Your email is currently filled with messages from them, but you are still jobless.
You stated the kind of jobs you wanted on the sites, but they keep sending you openings that don’t concern you.
You keep seeing job ads on the sites that literally have no details about the job.
You even went for one of the interviews they sent you, but it turned out to be a scam.
You, when they told you to pay before you could apply for the job.
You were so broke you even started considering selling your stuff.
…but then you landed on Efritin.com and saw ‘Job Vacancies’.
You saw ‘verified employers’ and accurate job descriptions.
Now you can search for a proper job without all the unnecessary wahala.
Oya! Quickly go on Efritin.com and start your wahala-free job search now!
Efritin.com, Nigeria’s No.1 marketplace for used goods! Buy and sell everything from used cars to mobile phones and computers, or search for property, jobs and more in Nigeria – for free!
If you don’t have, what will we call you?
BMB, GMB/PMB, GEJ, DAM, BRF…should I go on?
Just hope your initials don’t read like this: Olusola Desmond Elliot.
2. Find an (evil) godfather to sponsor you.
See, most people don’t know that this is the secret. You heard it here first.
3. Run for Senate.
Even if your godfather is strong enough to make you a governor straight away, run for senate after.
4. Don’t forget your glo up. Or upgrade challenge. Your choice really.
And not just in your culture.
5. Be selectively literate.
Be smart on some issues, then be totally misguided about other really important issues.
6. Always, ALWAYS make promises you cannot possibly keep.
This isn’t really your fault, Nigerians just don’t learn!
7. Get your social media wailing wailers.
These wailing wailers also serve as ‘attack lions’ against your detractors. Think of them as social media bouncers.
8. Have an arch rival.
Even if it’s the entire Nigerian Twitter like Ben Murray Bruce.
9. Switch political parties. More than once. Maybe even back and forth.
Be ready to switch allegiances at the slightest whiff of weakness or danger. Be selfish. It’s about you!
10. EFCC has to arrest you. At least once.
Fraud allegations don’t ruin you in Nigeria. They make you. In fact, that’s your initiation into the upper ranks of the national thieves.
11. Always have an illness that will carry you abroad* when you’re caught stealing.
The illness is usually undisclosed, but if your condition is critical, pick a terminal illness.
*Abroad: A country with no extradition. This is not a drill.
12. Steal. Lie. Rinse*. Repeat.
This is the crowning jewel of the Nigerian politician. Seriously. You need to master this process. Don’t steal too much; or too little. Do it just right.
1. Steal.
2. Say You Didn’t steal.
3. *Rinse: To become politically born again. Especially when you switch political parties.
4. Repeat 1 – 3.
13. Distribute the wealth to other politicians. You need accomplices.
You definitely do NOT want to go down alone. So keep meticulous records of the partakers.
There is almost always an unending rivalry between these two great countries on social media, but truthfully Nigeria and Ghana share a lot of similarities and bonds. Let us explain to you..
1. Neither of them invented Jollof rice
This may bruise some egos, but the truth is Jollof actually originated from the Yolof tribe in the Gambia area. *avoids talking about whose is better*
2. Ghanaians and Nigerians love spicy food
These two nations love to sweat when they eat. It’s amazing how these two nations love to up the spicy levels in their food and they both love their pepper-soups!
3. Communication companies
These two nations share the same huge communication companies *avoids mentioning names* and mostly complain about their services almost all the time.
4. Traffic
We hate this part! The traffic situations in these two countries are a lot similar. See, we have things in common.
5. Dance moves exportation
These two great countries have given the world some fire dance moves. The Azonto and The Shoki. We wonder why dance moves are not included in these countries major exports list.
6. They are both professional hagglers
If you ever step foot in any market in any of these countries you will realize that nobody ever settles for the prices goods are labelled. Nigeria: “How much last?”
Ghana: “Chale is this the best price?”
7. The movie industry
You see, the way the movie industries of these two countries are set up, it is hard to differentiate who is who. People think a lot of Ghanaian actors are Nigerian most times.
8. Complaints about the government
You go anywhere in these two countries; a beer parlor, newspaper stand, office and they all have something to say about the government and how it is not performing optimally. We can place a bet on this.
9. Noticeable accents
Truth is wherever you go your accent sticks with you like your skin. Every Nigerian and Ghanaian has their distinct accent that is recognizable anywhere in the world.
10. Police road blocks
See, I bet we are both tired of these. Law enforcement agents setting up road blocks or checkpoints. Both countries have this all the time and we are used to “dropping something” for the men.
11. Football
Everything about this unites these two countries. Nigerians and Ghanaians love football so much even though the rivalry is next to none when both national teams play and both countries boast of football stars!
Nigerians love watching TV series and dramas, almost more than movies. Though it’s been long established that our favourites are Spanish and Indian dramas, there’s a new player that is swiftly taking over. It’s Korean dramas.
Today, we’ll be talking specifically about the Korean male actors.
These are actors that we first came across when we were introduced to the world of K drama and got us addicted to it:
10. Kim Won Bin
Won Bin has involved in modelling since 2009 and made his acting debut in 2011. He’s popular for his characters in the teen drama “School 2013” with Lee Jong-suk and the trendy drama “The Heirs” with Lee Min-ho.
9. Jin Chang Wook
Ji Chang-wook was born July 5, 1987. He rose to fame in the with the drama “Smile Again”, “Warrior Baek Dong-soo”, “Empress Ki”, and “Healer”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwbwmYi0nlo
8. Jang Guen Suk
Jang Geun-seuk was born on August 4th, 1987. Apart from singing, he’s a model and singer. He is best known for his leading roles in the popular dramas: “You’re Beautiful”, “Love Rain”, “Mary Stayed out All Night”, and “Pretty Man”.
7. Gong Yoo
Gong Yoo was born on July 10, 1979. He’s appeared in “Biscuit Teacher” and “Star Candy”“School”, “My Tutor Friend”, “She’s on Duty” and “Finding Mr.Destiny”. But he’s most popular for his role in “The 1st Shop of Coffee Prince”.
6. Lee Jong-suk
Jong-suk began his acting career in 2009. He’s popular for his character reprisal in K-dramas such as “I Can Hear Your Voice”, “Doctor Stranger”, and “Pinocchio”.
5. Hyun Bin
This South Korean actor was born on the 25th of September in 1982. His first lead role was in the television drama “My name is Kim Sam-soon”. He’s popular for his character “Secret Garden” and “Hyde, Jekyll, Me”.
4. So Ji Sub
Born on November 4, 1977, he began his career as a model and rapper before switching to acting. He’s popular for his role in the television series “Delicious Proposal”, “I’m Sorry, I Love You”, “Ghost”, “Cain and Abel”, “Master’s Sun” and “Oh My Venus”.
3. Lee Seung-gi
Seung-gi is an actor, MC and singer. Born on January 13, 1987, the 28 year-old actor is popular for his characters in “Brilliant Legacy”, “My Girlfriend Is a Nine-Tailed Fox”, “Gu Family Book”, “You’re All Surrounded” and “King to Heart”.
2. Kim Soo Hyun
He’s unarguably the most popular actor in Korea due to his unmatched good looks as well as his versatilities in acting . Born in 1988, he’s been acting since 2007. He’s famous for his leading roles in “My Love from the Star”, “Moon Embracing the Sun”, “Dream High” and “The Producers”.
1. Lee Min-ho
Min-ho rose stardom for his character Gun Jun Pyo in the well-known K-drama “Boys Over Flowers” in 2009.
Since then, this handsome actor has won the hearts of worldwide fans. He has played the leading roles in some popular K-dramas such as “City Hunters”, “Personal Taste” and especially “The Heirs”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRS46xmKCi0
Do you agree with this list? Who are your favourite male K-drama actors? Share them in the comments.
If you ever attended boarding school in any part of Nigeria, there are a number of food compositions only insiders knew about and how dope these were. Here are a few popular ones along with their constituents.
1. Cabin Flakes AKA Pako Flakes
This exclusive combination of Biscuits and milk tastes like heaven. You could have it either soaked completely or still crunchy.
2. Soak and Travel (Garri)
This was the test of how high can you rise or the garri austerity measure. Little garri in a massive amount of water left for about seven hours and then add the rest of the ingredients added after school was over; Sugar, Groundnuts oh Lord!
3. Soak and Travel (Indomie)
Necessity is the mother of invention. Legend has it that this recipe came about in hostels that prohibited boiling rings. A number of people enjoyed it some just did not have a choice.
4. “Thick soakings”
From the name “thick” you know its about to be yummy. It could be from Milo or milk so far the liquid is thick and heavy its perfect. What do you mean that’s too much milk?
5. “Imported/Fence Suya”
A large number of hostels did not allow students leave the school premises. What other way to enjoy suya than to “import” it or haul it over the “fence”. Oh come on we know that’s a good word for smuggled.
6. “Contraband”
Experienced boarding school students know anything smuggled into the hostel is always sweeter. From canned food, sardines, noodles, seasoning, geisha, caned peak milk. These were heaven on earth for boarders.
7. “Chocobombom”
This could pass on a menu as “House made chocolate bars” with Milo or Bournvita packed into paper or foil and ironed. Don’t deny it, we’ve all been there.
8. Concoction
This was usually the “midterm meal” when the hostel was relatively empty and the housemasters lenient and an access to a boiling ring, rice, pepper, oil, sardines, and any other condiments. Next to Jollof rice.
9. Toast Bread
This involved using these two items and it did make a good toast. don’t judge, where do you think the toast came from? Yes necessity is the mother of invention was the motto.
Donald Trump is one of the most controversial politicians in the world, notorious for making several eyebrow-raising comments like this:
Are these comments ridiculous? Yes
Do these comments sound strange? Let’s find out.
1. When Donald Trump mocked a journalist’s disability during a live broadcast.
People’s struggles mean nothing to Trump and this hits really close to home. How? Adams Oshiomole, former NLC leader and governor of Edo state asked a widow to “Go and die” while she knelt and begged.
2. When Trump said “Even if the world goes to hell in a hand basket, I won’t lose a penny.”
This comment is so Nigerian, we can totally relate it to the Lamido of Adamawa’s outburst during the national conference of 2014. He said he would simply move to the Cameroun end of his kingdom if Nigeria ever breaks. Not so foreign now, abi?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gnzsm-f1MFo
3. Donald Trump certainly brags like a Nigerian politician.
Actually, he brags like a leader famous among Nigerians for making films of his ‘political achievements’. Yes, he is Rochas Okorocha and his comments were “Any day you hear that PDP brought money with pick-up, tell me so that I will bring money with trailer”.
4. Donald Trump loves to fight dirty and very publicly.. just like politicians in our country.
.@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
He is so Nigerian, he knows just how perfectly to bash people on social media. Just Like PDP spokeman and renowned lawyer, Femi Fani-Kayode, who openly called former governor, Rotimi Amaechi, a little monkey among other unfriendly names.
5. When Trump blamed the victims of the Paris attack for not being armed.
Rather than take responsibility for the badly planned NIS interview of 2014, Internal affairs minister, Abba Moro, blamed the victims for the stampede that resulted in loss of lives.
6. When Donald Trump called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6QEqoYgQxw
We may not have racism but tribalism lives very well in Nigeria. Femi Fani-Kayode wrote an unapologetic, tribalist article in 2013 against the Igbos. Upon criticism of his article, he made a quick reference to his past relationship with Bianca Ojukwu.
Donald has been nominated as the most African presidential candidate in the United States.
We are sure he will represent and make for a typical Nigerian politician. We also nominate him as the most Nigerian presidential candidate of all.
Listening carefully to the Ojuelegba crooner – Wizkid, it is evident that most of his lines are answers to a lot of real life situations. Here are a few of them.
When your girlfriend is mad at you and locks you out.
Song: Scatter The Floor
When you attend an Owambe and the dance floor is popping.
Song: Pakurumo
When your friend keeps asking you how their face looks.
Song: Don’t Dull
“Are you sure you will be able to make it? I think there is traffic”.
Song: Shout Out
For those that keep saying “I think I am way too skinny”.
Song: Shout Out
When your visitors finally arrive after a long trip.
Song: Jaiye Jaiye Ft. Femi Kuti
When you get asked why your friend keeps going back to their ex.
Song: Ojuelegba
When you are trying to make it clear to someone you have been talking to what you want?
Song: In My Bed
When everybody finally understands what you have been going through.
Song: Show You The Money
Getting asked “How are you doing?”.
Song: Ojuelegba
When your friends ask if you can really pay for their expenses?
Song: Jaiye Jaiye ft Femi Kuti
When you are wondering what to do when you have a lot of money.
Song: Jaiye Jaiye ft Femi Kuti
And your wife asks what you are getting her as a Christmas gift.
Christmas hampers are the ultimate tool for passive aggression. I mean, you just see the things in some hampers and you know the sender is trying to tell you to never contact them again.
So, if you get half of these in a hamper this year, you might want to stop disturbing the sender; because they don’t like you.
1. Fruitcake
Do NOT trust people that like raisins in their cake. Be wary of people that now send them as gifts.
2. Good Morning Cornflakes
Good Morning Cornflakes literally gets soggy at the mere sight of water.
3. Cowbell Milk
If they really liked you, they’d send you milk that actually gets diluted in water. Cowbell is not that milk.
4. Ajinomoto
Nah, if they hate you enough to send this, they might as well just sneak into your house at night and stab you.
5. Cabin Biscuits
See, everybody loves Cabin biscuits, but if it’s not that you’re resuming boarding school anytime soon, what’s the point?
6. Richoco
Milo or Bournvita, please. Anything else is really just rude.
7. Eva “Wine”
No really, what is non-alcoholic WINE?
8. Calendar
One question: WHY?
9. Glucose
Are you about to do inter-house sports? Tell that person to behave, please.
10. Top Tea
Really? REALLY??
11. Candles
They really just want you to burn your house down. Don’t trust them.
Statistics show that there are more women than men; and we know sharing is caring. Being a side-boyfriend can be one of the hardest and easiest jobs, depending on a lot of factors. If you have been failing or want to be better at it, this is the list for you.
1. First you have to know your position.
As a side boyfriend, set and respect your “boundaries”. No more no less. This is really important.
2. You have to be super caring.
Women love guys that are caring when their boyfriends are not doing their job.
3. You have to be this guy.
Because you will need to make her laugh when her boyfriend makes her sad.
4. No matter how boring her day was…
Always be ready to listen or pretend to listen.
5. Get rid of emotions.
Remind yourself, you are not the boyfriend. Think with your head always.
6. In case you are a very emotional person, you will need this.
Because these feelings like to creep in at unwanted or unnoticed times.
7. You have to step up your acting skills.
Just in case something goes wrong that was not planned for.
8. And when her relationship begins to have problems…
You have to be Dr. Phil and give her the best advice so she stays in the relationship.
9. And when the relationship is going too good and she forgets you.
Never forget. Just hold on.
10. You have to own one of these.
We don’t make the rules, but rumor has it that every side boyfriend has one of them.
11. You must always have one of these on standby.
For when she wants some in-house entertainment and distraction from her boyfriend.
I’m speechless too! Don’t look at me for an explanation.
5. Get one, two or fifteen shades lighter.
Ikeja underbridge is also here to help you achieve your light skin dreams.
6. Pay for whiter teeth.
“Husband/wife cant kiss or swap spit with you? LOL! Your teeth! Clean white teeth will boost your confidence more than Human hair of 35k. Get teeth whitening kits at affordable prices today at our Ikeja Underbridge shop.“
No, seriously. That’s an actual ad.
7. Penis enlargement.
Think of this as the physical manifestation of Dr. Azolibe. You cannot have been in Ikeja bridge for 2 minutes before this is shoved at you.
8. Get admission to foreign universities.
They’re the one stop shop for everything you want to do abroad. They can help you with your international exposure.
9. General cosmetic surgery – hip enlargement included.
Of course, there’s always the chance that you’re having cement injected into your hips. But beauty is pain, right? :):):)
Breast enlargement – or reduction, weight loss, hair plugs…the list goes on!
Did we miss any?
It’s three weeks to the end of 2015, and some of us have not achieved the most important thing for 2015: Seizing the Bae – or getting seized.
It’s not too late. Here are all the requirements:
1. Be Single to stupor.
Why are you seeking to be seized if you’re not single? If you’re already seized, please have several seats. If you’re looking to change baes, please look to #CommitorCommot2016 and if you’re team #SingleandReadytoleadyouonfor2or3months, please go away.
Only single to stupor members are allowed. This is a lesson in desperation.
2. Have sufficient money.
It is not enough to be single. You also have to have money. If you have money and all other requirements, but your account balance regularly laughs at your shopping cart, you may not be ready to be seized. Your debit card and your shopping cart need to be in sync.
3. Ensure your face is on fleek.
For guys, I’m talking about a beard. Not a goatee, or some hairs scattered on your chin. I’m talking about a full, luscious, CONNECTED beard (look at the above picture for inspiration). I think they said coconut oil and Rogain can help, ask around.
Tweet a picture of you in all your bearded glory with the hashtag #whogontakecareofmybeard and watch yourself get seized.
For girls, eyebrows, eyelashes, human hair on fleek. Your human hair has to be from an -ian place – Malaysian, Brazilian, Colombian etc.
I’m sorry, I wish I didn’t have to do this. But being yellow is a requirement. And if we are saying it, you know it must be law.
Dark-skinned people don’t seize or get seized*. Just taken. This is science.
*We don’t make rules. We just follow Twitter logic.
5. But your light-skin needs International Exposure.
Oh and for the light-skinned people already rejoicing, your light-skin must come with international exposure**.
**International exposure: Your light-skin should have seen outside Africa at least once.
6. Be a member of the fitfam.
Abs. Abs. Abs.
7. Be of the right height.
Sadly, the height requirement is not compromised even if you have all of the other requirements (Yes, i knew you were going to ask.)
For guys, It’s a non negotiable 5’11” and above.
And for girls, portability passes.
8. Know your levels.
Seize within your requirements range. How do I make this clearer?
I don’t know, I can’t.
Going into traffic could be a really risky idea, especially when you have a stomach that is a bottomless pit. Getting hungry in traffic is something many of us have experience and will understand these situation.
1. When you are about to head out and notice a slight hold up.
Good Lord, not today again.
2. So you start to look for the faster lanes.
Can this thing please move quickly?
3. But every other driver is trying to get ahead of you.
Why can’t these people just be kind for once.
4. And the traffic has plans for you.
It seems we are going to sleep here.
5. And your stomach also has other plans for you.
Why do I have to be hungry at this time and place.
6. So you start searching for food vendors.
In this whole Lagos not one seller, where are all these people?
7. And you find one in your line of sight coming towards you.
What a time to be alive! Finally!
8. But they all stop 10 cars short of your own.
*groans in dashed hopes, dreams and aspirations*.
9. So you have to obey your stomach and do what needs to be done.
HAYYYYYSS GALA, LACASERA!! Because it is better to be ashamed than die of hunger.
10. But first you have to make sure it is good food.
Is it fresh? Is it “today’s own?’ Is it not 200 Naira for seven again?
11. When you make your purchase with N1000 but you don’t want to be swindled.
I have budgeted this money for three days traffic food.
12. And the vendor is wasting time as traffic eases up.
It’s not my time you are wasting. When you are ready bring the change.
They haven’t been covered much in the foreign mainstream media butBoko Haram have been terrorising Africans with devastating, widespread and long-lasting consequences.
Boko Haram promotes a version of Islam which makes it “haram”, or forbidden, for Muslims to take part in any political or social activity associated with Western society.
This includes voting in elections, wearing shirts and trousers or receiving a secular education.
Boko Haram regards the Nigerian state as being run by non-believers, even when the country had a Muslim president – and it has extended its military campaign by targeting neighbouring states.
This is probably one of the top 5 most frustrating emails to get at anytime of the day. Majority of us have gotten one or two daily emails from Dr. Azolibe and his cohorts. Tiring! Annoying! It is a scam!
When you see “1 new email” and it is Dr. Azolibe’s “How to last longer in bed”.
What is all this rubbish for God’s sake?
Someone unfortunately picks your phone and you did not close the email page.
See, don’t act like that. It’s not what it looks like, I can explain.
So you begin to think.
Who gave these people my email address?
And you feel it is one of your exes.
Wow, so just because we broke up badly, you’re doing me dirty.
Hey! Its not your ex. It is a spam service. Don’t curse him/her yet.
It’s a scam website that got your email address from the Internet.
1. First thing to do “Mark as Spam”.
This will ensure all subsequent emails go to the spam folder directly.
2. Look for every other account that sends those emails and do the same.
Dr. Azolibe, Dee Obinna, Engineer Obi all of you must go today. No I don’t want a Samsung and my girlfriend is not complaining!
3. Put them all on a spam reporting website.
They must all rot in there! Mad People.
4. Stop clicking ads online.
No, don’t be deceived nobody is trying to meet you in your area.
5. Stop putting your email address on untrusted and unpopular websites.
They are not going to email you any offers. That is Dr. Azolibe and his family members.
Ah! Lagos-Ibadan expressway. The important road connecting 2 very special Nigerian cities. Everybody that has travelled in or out of Lagos by road must have journeyed along this wonderful expressway. Do people live there? Well, Yes.
And if you are one of those people, you’ve probably experienced everything on this list!
1. When people invite you to the island.
Like Lekki folks, we don’t do bridges! It’s not as fine as Lekki or Ikoyi, I know but I’m not coming please.
2. Getting to Berger and beginning the one-hour journey out of Lagos.
I’m at the end of Lagos and home is still far away.
3. When there’s traffic on the road and you start preparing to spend the night.
Where is my blanket please?
4. Finding out all the church camps have conventions/revivals and the conductor says “Ketu-Ojota, 500 naira”.
Can I sleep at home today please?
5. When you keep missing out on awesome events because..distance.
Then you watch your social life dying slowly.
6. Leaving your house at 4am so you can get to ordinary mainland before 8.
Sleep is for the weak.
7. When you try to take a cab by accident and you hear the price.
Sorry, whet?
8. When you start forming coo keed because you hang out at ICM a lot.
Well that’s the only cool place in Lagos you can hang.
9. When Lagosians treat you like an outcast.
Don’t hate, you can’t even get to Ibadan from Lagos in one hour like us.
When your Nigerian mum says “Let’s go to the store or market” we know how that feels and the reactions that follow. Here are a few ways you can survive a shopping trip with your mum.
1. Be prepared! Brace yourself!
Because it’s about to be a tough long experience.
2. Pack every single thing you need.
Water, toiletries, snacks, a sleeping bag also.
3. Prepare your muscles and get your energy up.
Because you are about to be a bag carrier for the rest of that day.
4. Prepare your secret shopping list.
Who knows you may get lucky.
5. Tell her how much you love her on the way to the shop.
Of course you’re the best mum in Nigeria! You always surprise me with the best things!
6. Prepare to be disappointed.
Because you will most likely not get anything you want.
7. Be ready to agree to every and anything.
Because nobody wants any problems.
8. Get ready to be interviewed for every thing you pick.
That is if you are allowed to get anything.
9. Get ready to be wowed by her bargaining skills.
When she is haggling a price from N13,000 to N1,300.
10. Get your patience levels to 110%.
When she mistakenly spots the choir mistress in the crowd of people.
11. Unfold your mat, sleeping bag or chair and relax.
Someone said that, as soon as human beings found out they could represent what they saw in pictures, they started drawing naked bodies.
And now with mobile phone cameras and the internet, we can send these pictures to almost anyone in the universe. What could go wrong?
We’re not going to tell you whether or not you should send nudes.What we can tell you is how to send them like a pro and not end up like a certain celebrity.
Before you continue, answer these:
If you answered ‘yes’ to all the questions above, then proceed.
Some of you that chose ‘no’ will still continue.
Smh.
Anyway, here are a few things you should do:
1. Choose the appropriate location.
Background is everything. Don’t take a pic by an unflushed toilet or a dirty pile of clothes. Nobody wants to see that.
2. Never show your face.
Unless absolutely necessary, take pictures from the neck downwards only.
3. If you have any obvious and unique body art or tattoos, covering your face might not be enough.
You have to be ready to drop the the most unrelated things — from bible verses to famous quotes to your own little tiny nuggets of “wisdom” on that cleavage picture.
2. A Lot of Outfits
https://www.instagram.com/p/-tKQuvI83q/
No, seriously you’ll need A LOT of designer clothes, which you’ll have to hash-tag mercilessly. The only item of clothing you’ll be allowed to repeat are shoes (and even that one is small small). Once you’ve Instagrammed it, it can never show up again.
3. A Ton of Followers
Your follower count has to make sense. You can’t just be following everybody that follows you, I don’t care if it’s your sister. See, if it’s to buy followers, no one will judge you, but be ready to buy the corresponding number of likes too (10k followers and 50 likes doesn’t make sense).
Now to the appropriate number of likes. Every picture on your page must be sitting above 1000 likes (I don’t care if it is a selfie or a picture of your breakfast). If you post a picture that doesn’t meet that goal, you must pretend like it never happened and delete it immediately.
5. “For bookings”
Once you have reached your likes and follower goals, then you can put up the truest mark of an Instagram model on your bio: “For bookings…” It will be your phone number or email address that comes after it, obviously; remember you are an IG model, you do not have an agent.
You can’t just wake up and decide to take a selfie anyhow. Everything has to come together before that happens, if you’re indoors you have to avoid those cheap nonsense bulbs; and if you’re outdoors, you have to be sure the sun’s angle is agreeing with your complexion. If not, just dead that selfie, abeg.
For every 5 pictures you post, 3 of them should have your cleavage clearly on display (but don’t make it too obvious, you’re not a runs girl, biko). See, don’t ask me why, just go and buy as many push-up bras as you can currently afford.
Whenever you find yourself in a hotel room for whatever reason (Hey! We don’t judge) you have to show us every single inch of your room and it’s view too (this is the most important). It’s like an unwritten Instagram model rule; well, I just wrote it, so there you have it.
P.S: You get extra points if it’s in Dubai.
It’s not enough that you have the latest iPhone, you also have to constantly remind us you do. I mean, if no one knows you have it, does it really exist. So, this is where the occasional mirror selfie comes in; 2 a week should be sufficient. But never in your house, it has to be in club bathrooms or random hotel rooms. You’re welcome.
10. Rich Friends
With Instagram modelling, the life hack of surrounding yourself with skreps so you look hotter doesn’t apply. You need your friends to look just as good as you. In fact the friends that show up in your pictures should be your fellow instagram models and Lagos big boys.
11. Famous Acquaintances
You’ll need celebrity “friends”, preferably musicians. Shaking bum bum in their music videos will most likely be your most constant modelling gig. Remember to constantly take pictures and name drop them every chance you get.
It doesn’t matter if it’s fitness tea or waist trainers you choose, you really should be selling something. Waiting for your “modelling career” to bring in cash might not be the best idea. Think about it, how many times will they want you to go and shake bum bum in a music video? You see? Now get to selling.
Could it be? Maybe it is? Maybe he is…? There are so many perceptions about ladies being friend-zoned, here are some clear signs that will show you you are being drafted in that zone.
1. When your crush finally says “we should hang out”.
Making you feel he’s about to propose.
2. And while at it he says “You’re so nice”.
Nice? Do you mean nice enough to be your girlfriend?
3. Then he keeps inviting you to social gatherings… With his friends.
But you never go out alone together.
4. When he tries to introduce you as his new best friend.
Brother…this was not the perception or plan.
5. So you start throwing heavy hints.
I just thought to make you breakfast as your friend.
6. But he is acting “brand new”.
Please open your eyes.
7. When he tells you his girl problems.
Wait so I am not the only one?
8. And goes on to give you dating advice.
What are you doing?
9. So you push further with the hints.
Just thought to get you a gift.
10. And he says “I am not ready for commitment”.
Oh no. What have I done?
11. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”
*cries in salt poured on an open wound*
12. So things get awkward super fast.
Everything has been ruined.
13. And the texts are now like…
Wow, what is life? Must be bad network.
14. And you start getting “Let me call you right back”.
Why is this happening to me?
15. And finally you understand.
That you have been awarded a seat, in the Friend-zone.
Ever watched the Netflix hit show, Jessica Jones?
Ever thought.. “there is something eerily similar between the Yoruba demons frequently described by Zikoko and the villain Kilgrave”?
Yup! We feel the exact same way and we have all the evidence that Kilgrave is just like your evil ex boyfriend who just won’t let somebody prosper in peace!
When he tried to come between your friendships like…
And your friends never had anything good to say about your relationship.
Because he often said things like…
And had you hit rock bottom so hard.
That on some days you just wanted to end it all.
But when you tried to walk away he hit you with reverse psychology.
But you knew he was the mad one because all his victims had a support group.
So you gathered all your strength and left.
And all your friends and family were relieved.
You were finally free… for two weeks before he returned like..
And tried to pile the love on thick.
Then tried to scare away your new bae.
And all you could think was… #EppMePlix!
Because he was relentless in trying to get you back.
Till you started to think maybe you could change him.
So you told your friend you were thinking of going back.
And he quickly started to show his true colours again…
And even his father had to warn you…
Because really, his plan was simple.
But he didn’t know you’d finally toughened up.
Guess who’s in charge now, bruh?
Because life is really too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy.
Written by Zikoko contributor, Adebola Rayo.
