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Inside Life | Page 12 of 126 | Zikoko!
  • A Case for Daylight Saving in Nigeria 

    Daylight saving is the practice of skipping clocks (typically by one hour) during warmer months so that darkness falls at a later time.There’s nothing Nigerians like more than extra time, and daylight saving is just the solution we all need to get more of it. Just think about it.

    Less time to spend at your job

    You’re sick of it anyway. If we were saving daylight you’d spend less hours nursing and powering through a headache. Where is the bad side, please? 

    Less time to put up with people’s rubbish

    Every time I’m outside fraternising, I’m reminded of how annoying humans are. If we save daylight, you wouldn’t have any reason to be outside calling somebody’s grandmother a witch because she insulted your short skirt. 

    Less time to worry about breakfast/dinner

    The worst thing about growing up is endlessly having to decide what to eat. If the day ends faster, you can worry less about this. 

    Less time reminding everyone you’re single 

    If you’re always asleep by 10 PM instead of wallowing in your singleness and tweeting up a storm about it, you’d find yourself in less situationships, and might finally get used to a life of loneliness. Can’t see the downside, TBH. 

    A break from fearing men

    You know how we’re like, “Fear men 24 hours a day”? You’d have more time to rest from doing that now.

    More time to spend on hobbies 

    With those extra hours on your hands, you finally get to catch up on all the neighbourhood or family gossip. Or pretend you’re actually interested in DIY.

    You’re the family disappointment for less hours in a day

    All those aunties always reporting you to your parents will do it earlier in the day so you can rest and get over it faster. A win is a win. 

  • Talking Stages Are Old-School. Here’s How to Know the Modern Nigerian Man Likes You

    Getting to know someone through a talking stage is stressful AF. Does getting good morning texts mean he’s ready to roll out wedding invitations? Is having inside jokes mean you’ll both be laughing together till old age? So many questions.

    These plenty questions will be a thing of the past when you realise men of nowadays only leave you unsure when they don’t like you. If they do, they go straight to the point with these actions. 

    He’s always craving food

    Everyone knows the road to a man’s heart is directly connected to his stomach. If he trusts you enough to tell you he craves foods like pounded yam or hand-ground pepper stew, he’s in love with you.

    “When are you coming to see me?”

    This is the go-to question of a man who adores the ground you walk on. Why do they always want you to visit, you ask? I don’t know. I just know it’s love.

    He encourages you to do all the chores

    It doesn’t matter if you have all the money in the world to outsource chores. He wants you to stay in touch with your traditional side.

    He doesn’t want you to earn more

    So you don’t get too proud and forget he’s your Lord and saviour, of course.

    …But also expects you to have money

    Because you’ll still need to bring something to the table. Men don’t marry liabilities.

    He’s interested in your prayer life

    As a wife, you’ll be in charge of praying for the full-grown man you’re married to, and the entire household. He just wants you to live a fulfilled life. #Goals.

    He trains you in school

    He sent you ₦5k for handouts and lecture notes one time, and you still have doubts about his feelings? Please, dear.

    He asks you to hand-wash his clothes

    He asks you to use your hands because he doesn’t think washing machines clean clothes well? Wow. You’ve made it, boo. This is the height of his affection for you.


    NEXT READ: The Broke Babe’s Guide to Skincare

  • TechCabal Interview With Zikoko: “New Site, Who This?”

    Written by Muktar Oladunmade of TechCabal

    I’m sure you’d have never guessed it, but Zikoko is TechCabal’s younger sister. Like all last-borns, she’s the more irreverent publication. But in a move to be more like her elder sibling who relaunched his website in 2022, Zikoko is also relaunching hers. And TechCabal wants to know why she’s copying him. 

    TechCabal: Can you introduce yourself, my dear baby sister?

    Zikoko: Who is a baby? I don’t know who’s deceiving you that you’re the older publication. Is it because you write about tech bros? For the sake of those who don’t know, Zikoko documents Nigerian youth pop culture. 

    TC: We started publishing stories before you. And why are you here?

    Z: Well, I rebranded my website. And I did it to stay fresh. It’s 2023. I want my website to reflect the new age of Nigerian youth.

    TC: What’s so fresh about your new website?

    Z: I’ve organised all my content better. My readers can now see all my categories at the top of the page. I also put trending articles on the home page, so they can see which articles are hot and get the gist faster. I know you can’t relate since you only publish boring news.

    TC: Not that I was trying to relate.

    But there are unsubstantiated rumours that you take crack to be funny. Can you shed some light on this?

    Z:  I can neither confirm nor deny the rumours. But if I was taking crack, it’d probably be the purple kind. Purple really suits me, don’t you think? 

    TC: Interesting

    Z: No comment. Say no to drug abuse. 

    TC: Too late! What else is on your new site? 

    Z: I changed how my readers can watch videos. It’s a lot easier to find my many hilarious shows now. 

    There’s a new newsletter widget too. I’m super excited about this one because instead of subscribing to all of them without knowing exactly what you’re signing up for, my readers get to choose and pick their faves.

    TC: Are you changing the type of content you offer? 

    Z: Nope. My readers can still read all their favourite flagships, like Naira Life which shares how people relate with money. And Love Currency — stories of how people in relationships interact with money. 

    TC: Is it only money you talk about? 

    Z: Why don’t you wait for me to finish. It’ll also have categories like Aluta and Chill, talking about university students and their challenges. The Pop category won’t go anywhere either; I’ll never stop talking about Nigerian pop culture. 

    TC: Do you document serious conversations at all? 

    Z: But why are you such an old millennial? So money, pop culture and relationships aren’t serious? Well, I also have a new vertical, Citizen, to talk about politics and teach young people how it affects them. I do all I can to amplify youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Nigerians all over the world.

    But I’m sure you also can’t relate to the joyful part. 

    TC: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that last part

    Z: Did I lie? 

    TC: Do you have anything else to add, please?

    Z: All these your questions are too much, abeg. I have better things to do. 

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  • Owambe Folks, These Are the Souvenirs We Really Need

    Attention owambe party planners! Times have changed, so we can’t accept jotters and napkins as souvenirs anymore. If we don’t receive these things at your next party, we’re not coming again.

    Rechargeable hand fans

    Don’t you see how heat is dealing with everyone this period? Share rechargeable hand fans at your party, and we’ll pray for you for 40 days and 40 nights.

    Naira notes

    There’s no money in the country, but we somehow still decided to attend your party. You must compensate us with new naira notes o. No jokes about this.

    Eye drops

    This country is showing us shege. Give us eye drops at your party so we can start seeing clearly again. It’s the thought that counts.

    Fuel

    Fuel scarcity happens every other weekend in Nigeria. Be intentional and give us a few kegs of fuel to take home for attending your party. It’s the little things that matter.

    Foodstuff

    Yes, we know we ate jollof rice at your party. But we still want to remember you when we get home. Give me foodstuff so you’ll forever remain in our hearts.

    Partners

    Half the time, we only come to your party to find a partner. Do the heavy lifting for us so we don’t have to attend a hundred owambes before finding our soulmates. You need to start dishing out partners at your parties.

    Food flasks

    We’re coming to eat food and steal extra anyway, so why not give us food flasks to make our lives easier? What do you think?


    NEXT READ: The Zikoko Guide To Throwing An Owambe In Lagos


  • A Nigerian’s Pros and Cons of Being An Adrenaline Junkie

    An adrenaline junkie: A person with a compulsive desire for excitement and adventure.

    An adrenaline junkie in Nigeria: A person who works extra hard to test the abilities of their village people.

    Living in Nigeria is already an adrenaline rush, but that isn’t enough for you, so we’ve compiled this list of activities to spark an even bigger rush in you.

    Bungee jumping

    Leaping from a high place with a long nylon-cased rubber band around the ankles. 

    Pro: Bungee jumping is a great way to feel the wind against your face.

    Con: They’ll tie a rubber band around your ankles. What if the rope cuts mid-air? 

    Cliff diving

    Jumping into water from the edge of a cliff.

    Pro: If you don’t have access to an Olympic size pool, the ocean can serve as one.

    Con: What if your head hits a rock? What if you open your eyes in the water and see mami water? What then?

    Swimming with the sharks

    Pro: You get to swim with sharks.

    Con: You’re swimming with something other people avoid. You’ve left land and entered into shark terrain. Do you see where this is going?

    Playing with snakes

    Holding and playing with the slithering animal that represented Lucifer in the Bible.

    Pro: It’s a new, most likely once-in-a-lifetime (just in case you get bitten)  experience.

    Con: You’ll be holding a snake. Is that not enough of a con for you?

    Base jumping in a wingsuit

    Wearing a jumpsuit that has “wings” and jumping from a high place.

    Pro: You get to cosplay and feel like a bird.

    Con: You’ll have to put your trust in an ugly-looking piece of cloth with fake laba laba wings. 

    Surfing

    Standing on a shiny piece of wood to ride a wave or crash into one.

    Pro: You get to have quality time with mami water and their cohorts.

    Con: You might eat pure water nylon. Are you ready for that? 

    Caving

    Exploring caves. Yes, it’s a thing.

    Pro: You get to feel like the cavemen of old.

    Con: The cave may or may not have been a shrine before. Also, it might close in on you. Either way, you’ll probably meet the god of your ancestors.

    Riding a bull

    Since horses aren’t enough for you, riding bulls are the next best thing.

    Pro: You’ll ride a real-life bull instead of those mechanical ones at carnivals and parks.

    Con: Bulls have seen their kinsmen die by human hands. Now, you want to climb them and put your life in their hands? Anything your eyes see, collect.

  • How Tribalism Affects Nigerians

    For this piece, we asked 9 young Nigerians.

    “I had to pay my house rent through someone” — Nnebuife

    In Delta state, your tribe was only necessary when you filled out important documents. But since 2021 when I moved to Lagos, I’ve only been able to pay my house rent through a Yoruba flatmate because the landlord is more comfortable with Yorubas, and I have Igbo names even though I’m Delta. 

    “I was accepted because of who I wasn’t” — Ehi

    I grew up in a face-me-I-face-you flat. This meant I had neighbours from different ethnic groups, but I also learnt quickly that these groups didn’t like each other.

    I was in my teens when a friend’s mum told me it was okay to be friends with their child because at least I wasn’t Igbo. I’d meet Igbo people who would express relief at me not being Yoruba. I’m Idoma, but until adulthood, not many people knew what that was or cared. They were okay with accepting me because I wasn’t someone else.

    “My neighbours said we needed to return to where we were from” — Kate

    There have always been the occasional slurs my mum gets at her shop, but this election period has been especially scary. While at my polling unit in Oshodi, one of the popular area boys threatened and rained insults on the Igbos, asking us to return to Nnewi. 

    My parents and I are currently looking for a new place because while our neighbours loudly celebrated the victory of Tinubu in the election, they added that they couldn’t wait for the Igbos to return to where they’re from. And if we refuse, they’d kill us. Note these were said in Yoruba, but I understand the language well.

    “They attended to the Yorubas first” — Emmanuel

    In 2010, my mum took me to a government hospital in Festac because I was ill. When the time came for them to attend to patients, they started with the Yorubas, not minding that we had been there before everyone else. The whole time we waited to see the doctor, I kept thinking of how I just wanted to be home playing video games. But we were among the last set of people that left that day.

    “I could only get special handouts through my Hausa friends” — Khloe*

    From my University days in Zaria, I learnt that if you weren’t from the North, West or middle belt, you’d be classified as Igbo, and that affected how you were treated.

    For instance, it was very difficult to get hostel space in my final year, even though the Hausa students in their first year were getting bigger rooms. Sometimes you may be lucky to get a space with them, and the next day, they’ve requested that their rooms be changed. 

    Telling people I was from Delta state didn’t help either. I have met people that assumed I was a prostitute or drunk because of where I’m from. A particular coursemate of mine called me “pipeline vandaliser” every day for over four years.

    “If I were his person, the outcome would be different” — Malakai  

    I had gotten admission to Unilag in 2015, but because I hadn’t turned 16 years yet — my birthday was later in October — they withdrew the admission. My mum and I met some man in the university’s senate building, and he said he’d have tried to help me if I were Yoruba. According to him, Unilag had a higher quota for its people.

    I guess that’s okay, but for the longest time, I couldn’t shake the fact that if I were his “person”, the outcome would be different. 

    “My name was a joke” — Toristeju

    I met a woman at the office where I went to buy my university entrance form, and when she saw my name, she asked, “What is this one?” After I answered that I was from Benin City, she proceeded to insult me in Igbo. I couldn’t understand it, but I knew they were making fun of my name. I got so used to hearing, “Is this one name?”, whenever I visited offices in school. They made it seem anyone different from them was beneath them. Some people even called me tortoise instead of Toristeju.

    “They referred to us as Boko Haram because of our accent” — Muktar

    During my three months training at the Immigration Training school in Imo state, I met people that referred to me and my Hausa friends as Boko Haram. Because of our accents, it was easy to identify us as northerners. 

    On a particular day, while my friend and I were on our way from Kaduna after a five-day break, we got to Owerri late and were low on cash. The bus we found asked us to pay ₦400, while we tried to bargain for ₦300. We even showed our id cards as proof that we were cadets from the training school, but the driver claimed we were serving Nigeria and he was a Biafran. When we got to Umuowa, we begged him to take us to the training school because it was just a few minutes drive, and he asked us to pay ₦3k. We got down, and he zoomed off. 

    As we waited by the road, we were also praying because the area wasn’t safe at night or on foot. Some minutes later, two Igbo guys on bikes passed by and asked if they could help us. They drove us straight to our school and refused to take any money from us. We insisted on giving them something, so they accepted kilishi. 

    “They sell at a higher price because I can’t speak Hausa” — Timi

    Even though I’ve lived in Zaria for nine years, I still have a hard time going to the market. I can’t speak Hausa, they’d want to sell to me at a higher price. It happened so frequently that I decided to boycott markets and buy directly from supermarkets. If what I want can only be found in the market, I’d get one of my Hausa-speaking friends to get it for me. 

    There’s also a bias with how students were graded. But that was more religious than tribal. Southern Christians had to fight harder for everything, from grades to opportunities. There was a lecturer that’d say, “A is for Allah, B for Balarabe and C is for the rest of you”. Whenever the results came out, the few people that got As would be Muslim students. It was the same with the law chambers. Out of the seven we had, only one was Christian dominated. And even when we wrote to the faculty, the chances of the request being approved were low. 


    RELATED: What Has the Naira Scarcity Cost Nigerians?

  • Alté Songs That Could Replace Our National Anthem

    You can’t pour new wine into an old wineskin (or something like that). If we want a new government that’s free of prejudice and corruption, we should consider changing our national anthem to fun songs that keep us young people going. I mean, I’d stand still if I ever saw the news and Crazy Tings was playing at the National Assembly. 

    Cash – Lady Donli

    If Nigerians sing this song often enough, we’d eventually manifest enough energy into the universe to make $1 equal ₦1. Cash is important, especially now that it’s scarce, and Donli knows that. Collective manifestation might just be the answer.

    Space – Tay Iwar ft. Santi and Preye

    Forget where they started talking about women and focus on, “Leave me alone. Space is all I need”. We could just chant that part for 30 minutes straight as a country, so it can sink in enough to stop Nigerians from looking into someone’s phone on a bus, t for thanks.

    Feel Alright – Show Dem Camp, Boj, Poe

    The national anthem is supposed to inspire hope, and these guys did that in Feel Alright. When they said everything is worth fighting for, they meant Nigeria. This song preaches that you’re the only one who can make a change by spreading love.

    Pull Up – Prettyboy D-O, Santi

    Nigeria jaga jaga on steroids. Imagine our 70-year-old senators learning to rap just so they can sing the anthem. Maybe they’d also find time to learn how to do their jobs?

    Point and Kill – Little Simz, Obongjayer

    A country with a national anthem called Point and Kill is not a country anyone would want to mess with. I picked this particularly for when Little Simz said, “Smooth travel never stuck in customs”. Manifesting a passport that works won’t be so bad. 

    Oshofree – YKB, s3nami

    YKB was divinely inspired when he wrote Oshofree. The next time they invite our president to an international event, and we play the “No more Oshofree… Na money be the koko” part, everybody will come correct.

    Crazy Tings – Tems

    Can the list be complete without Nigeria’s queen? Absolutely not. What’s more Nigerian than an anthem that goes, “If you need somebody’s crase, you fit chop somebody’s crase?”  Everybody is a little bit insane in this country, after all.

  • Affirmations for the Nigerian Youth

    As avid fans of the delusion propaganda, we’ve put together a couple of affirmations to help you shake off the blues.

    I don’t actually occupy this space or body

    My being might be working a 9-5, but my mind is poolside, sipping a margarita.

    My life is rich and stress-free 

    My current account balance is an illusion; my real account balance is a distinction.

    I’m a trust fund baby, so henceforth, I shall move as one

    Money doesn’t move me, I move money.

    Asake’s PBUY is my theme song

    I’m an immovable force, and Olumo Rock has nothing on me. 

    I walk around draped in diamonds and pearls 

    My haters wish they could be me, but they can’t see me.

    I’m in my yes era 

    Everything I desire, I acquire.

    Running is not for me; chasing is not for me 

    I don’t chase anything. You’re the chaser, I’m the chasee.

    My middle name is Gloria 

    I shine and glow through all three seasons.

    This is my season 

    I ride on the wave of endless enjoyment.

    My current reality is just a suggestion 

    My future reality exceeds my imagination.

  • To Japa or Not to Japa? Seven Over-30 Nigerians Reflect on Their Choices

    INEC has declared a winner of the 2023 presidential elections amidst multiple rigging allegations and outcries by citizens. This has inevitably led to social conversations on re-awakened japa dreams, even though japa money isn’t as easy to get as money for beans or dodo.

    We spoke to seven Nigerians who’ve either left the country or had the opportunity to but didn’t take it. They shared what they wish they did differently and their advice to younger Nigerians.

    “I planned to retire here, but I might go back”

    — Christiana*, 63

    I moved to the UK in the 70s with my husband and kids because his family is from there. It wasn’t the most popular decision then, and I badly missed Nigeria. It didn’t help that I separated from my husband soon after we left. I became quite successful — and I attribute it to the working system — raised my children alone and regularly sent money home, but I always wanted to return to Nigeria because of how much I missed my country. So when I retired in 2020, I decided to spend my retirement years in my fatherland. I started building a house in Lagos and eventually moved back in October 2022, but I regret it. 

    These past few weeks of cash scarcity have been tough for me. I don’t have a debit card because I put some limitations on my account so they only pay me over the counter. I did this a few years earlier after I got robbed when I visited Nigeria. So, the one time I was able to enter the bank during this period, they gave me ₦5k and asked me not to come back for cash until after ten days. My kids have been pestering me to return to the UK, and I may have to listen to them sooner or later. I’d advise any young person to leave if they have the chance. It’s better to have an option than to be stuck here.

    “I regret not leaving earlier”

    — Wole*, 52

    My wife and I have worked in pretty impressive organisations over the years — even the United Nations — so money wasn’t a problem. We had the opportunity to relocate right after we got married, but I’ve always been an advocate for “Nigeria will be great”. We’ve been married for over 20 years, and Nigeria has only gotten worse during that period.

    Now, we have three children in private universities, and I regret not relocating earlier. It’s now expensive to move everyone at the same time, whereas if we had simply moved after marriage, we’d only have each other to worry about. My wife is still trying to apply to Canada through WES, so we’ll see how it goes. For the younger generation, if you see any opportunity to leave, please, take it.

    “Nigeria is my home”

    — Leke*, 40

    I’ve had the opportunity to leave this country, but I don’t see myself ever leaving Nigeria permanently. Nigeria is my home. My businesses are here, and I can always travel and come back. People think the grass is greener abroad, but do you think it’s easy to succeed there? Especially with the many taxes and regulations. 

    Why don’t we focus all that japa hustle energy on building our country? Let foreigners want to relocate here instead.


    RELATED: 9 Young Nigerians on Why They Haven’t Left Nigeria Already


    “My children will japa on my behalf”

    — Moji*, 43

    I had the opportunity to travel to the UK as a nurse ten years ago, but I didn’t want to leave my children behind. I didn’t trust my husband not to bring another woman into the house who’d maltreat my children.

    I wouldn’t say I regret it now because I’d make the same decision if I could go back in time. My children will japa on my behalf, and I know I won’t suffer, no matter what happens in Nigeria.

    “It’s the best decision I ever made”

    — Goke*, 36

    I relocated to Canada in 2022. I’ve not spent up to six months here, but it’s easily the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m finally in a system that works. I don’t have family members here, but at least, I’m not looking over my shoulder for a policeman or “ungun known man” when I walk the streets.

    For the younger ones, I’ll say if you have to save, do it. If you have to go the educational route, do it. Do whatever it takes to leave that country. Tinubu has finally rigged his way to victory, and I predict it’ll only get worse.

    “I won’t rest till I move my family here”

    — Ify*, 42

    I moved to the US for my PhD in 2015 and became a permanent resident in 2022. I’m glad I got out, and I advise young Nigerians to try the academic route too. Even if you decide to return to Nigeria, at least you know you can leave if things get crazy.

    As for me, I won’t rest till I move my mum and dad here. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll find a way. I can’t let them remain at the mercy of evil leaders.

    “I know Nigeria will be better”

    — Segun*, 35

    I moved to London for my master’s in 2017 but didn’t try to stay back. I believe in Nigeria’s potential, so I chose to come back home and try to be the change I hope to see in this nation. Contrary to popular belief, I know Nigeria will be better with Tinubu at the helm of affairs. He has the experience and prowess, and I eagerly look forward to a new wind of change in this country.


    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.



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  • How K-Pop Fans Can Reduce the Anxiety This Election Period

    As a Nigerian, everything must feel a little too much right now, and your anxiety might be over the roof. If you’re a K-pop fan, here are seven things you can do to reduce the anxiety.

    Listen to your favourite song

    It can be an old one from when you first started stanning your faves or that one song that’s always ringing in your ear. Listen to it as many times as it’ll take for you to start dancing a little, so you know you’re getting relief. 

    Watch your favourite episodes of their reality TV shows

    Nothing gives you more joy than seeing your faves being their silliest, funniest selves. Laugh at them attempting to cook or cheating in games. Watch as many times as needed. 

    Reenact your favourite music video

    You’ve been lying to yourself for months that you’ll learn the dances anyway. Time to cross it off your bucket list. All that sweating around will have you forgetting all your problems for a while at least, and you get to learn something new

    Go on a marathon of your favourite band

    Think of it as a listening party of all your favourite songs by them. You’re helping them get more streams, and it’s sparking joy. A win is a win. 

    Cook a Korean dish

    Nothing too difficult or with ingredients that are too hard to find. Simple rice, cucumber kimchi and beef will do the trick. For bonus points, you can pretend you’re eating the meal with your faves. 

    Stalk your bias

    Be more intentional about it than normal. Make a collage of your best pictures, imagine dyeing your hair the same colour as theirs, just savour it. 

    Shop for merch

    Even if you don’t have the money to buy them yet just looking at them will fill your heart with so much happiness. But if you have money, buy something. Waiting for a package is an exciting feeling.

  • How to Keep Going as We Wait for the Election Results

    Elections are over, and we’re all antsy at the edge of our seats for the results. But it’s clear INEC will take their time with it. 

    Here are seven things to do so anxiety doesn’t finish you as we wait for the election results.

    Lie to yourself 

    The fate of the nation is being decided, but you’ve done all you can now. So, tell yourself everything is fine and nothing out of the ordinary is happening outside.

    Watch your favourite show

    Turn on your TV, and watch that show that brings you joy. Even if the joy is only temporary.

    Eat and drink your way through the day

    A distraction is a distraction. Eat and drink (not alcohol, please) your way through the wait. It might be hard to keep anything down, but it’s better than twiddling your fingers and hyperventilating.

    Read anything

    A book, a magazine, the words on a billboard — anything that isn’t Twitter or the news.

    Try to get some work done

    Adulthood sucks, but money must be made. And sadly, this is Nigeria, so nobody will give you a mental health break.  It might be hard to actually focus, but there’s no harm in trying.

    Be around other people

    It’s tempting to sort through your emotions on your own, but try to leave your room and speak to other people too. Enjoying people’s company and talking it out as its own benefits.

    Take a Nyquil and sleep

    If all else fails, take a break from the day and just sleep.

    Check here for live updates on the ongoing presidential and legislative elections

  • Election Fashion 101: How To Dress to Your Polling Unit 

    The 2023 presidential election is here. And as a responsible Nigerian citizen going out to vote, here are tips on how to dress the part. 

    Fly our Naija colours

    It’s pretty simple. If you want fellow voters to take you seriously, make sure your outfits are green-white-green. A green top, white pants and green shoes. 

    Or settle for black

    When in doubt, wear black. It won’t get stained easily, and it’s symbolic. You’re there to bury the shege of the last eight years after all.

    It has to be jeans

    This is not the time for ashawo shorts or Ayra Starr skirts. Wear comfortable clothes, so when you need to tell someone you’ll share one trouser, they’d know you mean it. 

    Or combat shorts

    You’re there to fight for your future. So make that clear. 

    You need them boots

    Too bad those red boots haven’t gotten to Nigeria yet. But your shoes still need to give a “I go match you for head” vibe.

    Have your shades handy 

    Not sunglasses, shades. They need to be large and black, like the type our mothers used to wear. So before someone thinks of starting small talk, they’ll look at your face and reconsider. 

    Face caps are a must

    This isn’t even about fashion. Forget about the on-and-off harmattan, the weather is still HOT, so you’ll need this. 

    RELATED: Three Safety Apps You Should Have on Election Day


    Zikoko Citizen, in partnership with Stears, will publish the 2023 Nigeria election results here. The 2023 Nigeria Election results are sourced directly from INEC and validated by Stears.

  • The Different People You’ll Meet at Your Polling Unit

    The most interesting Nigerians are the ones you meet on a queue. But this isn’t just any queue. Here are the seven types of people you’re sure to meet at your polling unit come February 25th.

    The one who just wants to be comfortable 

    These guys don’t care how long it’ll take, all that matters is they have their charged power banks, foldable chairs with an umbrella attached, multiple bottles of water, food and snacks. They want to vote but in the most comfortable way, and to be honest, I stan. 

    The one who came to keep space for all their family members

    They’d keep space for themselves and their entire generation unborn, if possible. And you can’t even be upset because, at least, they came to vote. 

    The pastor who prays before voting starts

    You’ll be trying to get yourself together after arriving early to see a long queue, and the next thing, you hear is, “Can we please close our eyes for prayers”. We’ll allow it sha. Maybe God will make people vote right for the good of Nigeria.

    The first-time voter

    This one is just there to stress about the process. The person at their front or back will get sick of answering questions and start ignoring them. They’ll be alright when they realise it’s not hard — just make your choice and go. 

    The political analysts

    Instead of voting and going home to their families, they find a spot to hang around and argue for hours. 

    The vote watchers

    Just like the political analysts, they stay behind after voting to see who other people have voted for. They’ll interview everyone and just cause a nuisance. Ignoring them is the only way to go. 

    You

    You know what you want from your candidate. You know the future you want for yourself and everyone else. All that matters to you is casting your vote so you can go home and wait for a favourable result. Your vote counts in every way. 

  • Creator Spotlight: How Lex Ash Reimagines a Better Future for Nigerian Creatives

    Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.


    My full name is Alexander Chidiebere Ashimole.

    People tried to give me different nicknames at different points in my life, but the only one that stuck was the one I gave myself — Lex Ash. I’m a photographer, but I’m also a musician. I’m relatively good at every artistic thing I’ve tried, so I’m thankful for that gift. I’m deeply spiritual, and I don’t like anything that stresses me out. When I want to relax, I watch comedy. I’m also an amala hater. I’m a gadget person, so if I had all the money in the world, I’d probably just be buying tech gadgets for the sake of it. 

    Lex, this is not a safe space for amala hate. Also, only rich people like gadgets. Do you have Starlink?

    I’ve tried amala, and it’s not worth it. I don’t know why people put themselves through that, but Nigerians voted Buhari twice, so yeah. I’m not rich o. I spent all my money on a new place, and I’ve decided that until further notice, no big purchases. But Starlink might be somewhere in my future. I don’t just spend money like that. I have to plan and think about it. 

    All I’m hearing is wealth. I’ve added you to my list of rich people

    Where did the wealth come from, please? I started by saying I don’t have any money.

    I refuse to hear about poverty. A new place in this regime? Work must be great, then

    Work isn’t going all that great, so you people should give me work. So if you guys have an opening in Zikoko, please, let me know. I do like money, so any extra source of income is welcome. Photography can be, and I hate this part of it, seasonal. Sometimes, it’s good; other times, you get worried because you don’t know when money will come again. It’s spaced out, so I don’t get a lot of jobs too frequently. So annoying. For example, there are seasons when people get married more frequently. And I think I’m one of the more expensive brands in wedding photography. Some people come to me after some of the photographers they want have been booked, a lot of people also come to me because of my style, so I’m thankful for that.

    You make it sound like you’re second choice 

    That’s usually the case. But a lot of event planners don’t refer me because they probably don’t see a lot of my wedding photography work online. I’m trying to change that. At the same time, if I don’t get photography jobs, where will I see photography pictures? Event planners have roasters of people who cover their weddings. Most times, it’s the couple who reach out to me, and they always love my work. If you know anybody who’s getting married, or ageing up and has money as well, please tell them I’m available. 

    What’s your price range? 

    I have a base charge. I have rate cards for weddings.

    For portraits, I charge somewhere per outfit, depending on the situation. I also started creating alternative options for people with lesser budgets, we can come up with a custom price or package for you. Studio shoots are cheaper. And charging per hour doesn’t work because we Nigerians have a time problem.

    What happens when the person wears a suit, then takes off the jacket? They technically did not change the outfit

    You also get a limited amount of images per outfit. So if you’re wearing a jacket and take it off, you didn’t change the outfit, but you’re still limited to three images. I deliver three retouched images per outfit, no matter what you do to your outfits.

    How do you charge for weddings?

    I charge a day rate with extra charges for whatever service they want to add to it. If you’re going to do a pre-wedding session, an after-party, photo books and frames or if I need extra hands, those cost extra.

    Can you give me a rough estimate? What’s the highest you’ve been paid? 

    ₦4.something million for a four-day wedding. The first day was thirty minutes of work. The last day was four hours of work, but the main wedding events lasted two days.

    Wow. I didn’t know Nigerians spent money like that

    People spend as much as 200 million on weddings. Probably even more.

    Does being around all that jazz make you want to settle down?

    The weddings themselves don’t necessarily make me feel like that; there’s just the human urge to be coupled. Have you seen how stressful weddings can be? Even me, as the photographer, I know. In fact, let’s take out all the traditional wedding activities. Why do people feel the need to make sure the whole world is at their wedding, and they all have to dress up in certain weaves, aso-ebi and whatnot. I don’t like spending money like that, but if it’s my close friend, I’ll do it.

    How did you get into photography? Did you grow up with a camera?

    So remember how I said I like gadgets? I had this friend who got a camera in school. In fact, it was a camcorder, and I was just playing around with it during our science and technology week when I was randomly given the assignment to make a photography workshop happen. That was my first-ever experience in the same space with a photographer and people who are interested in photography. This is all the way back in 2011. People would see me with my friend’s camera and say, “Oh, this is nice. Take a picture of me.” And by 2013, I definitely wanted to do it for real. 

    What kind of pictures did you take at first?

    I used to do graphic design. And it was just hard to find pictures of black people to use for designs. That was my first project, manipulating, putting somebody who’s dancing in a place where there’s water flowing, for example. Or changing a person’s face to grass. Something like that, just random things.

     Do you remember your first official project?

    In 2012, my friend allowed me to borrow his camera, and we were having a trade fair in school. I was just going around taking random pictures when somebody was trying to make a decision about buying asun. So I took a picture of the asun and showed it to them, and they went, I’ll take two packs, please. The fact that the picture I took made them decide to actually buy the asun was very interesting and funny to me. Later in 2013, the pictures I took during some chapel services were used on a billboard. That was pretty cool too.

    Did they pay you for that? 

    I wasn’t even thinking of payment that time. I just made friends with the people in the Corporate Affairs Unit, and they’d let me borrow their cameras once in a while. So it was okay.

    Did that asun story prompt you to use photography to tell stories?

    Probably, but I think it was everything together. I always just loved the idea of creating images other people can connect with. From my graphic design to photography, or even when I was writing and singing in school. I always wanted people to have an emotional connection to it. But I didn’t know how that would take shape exactly. The asun incident was just one of the things I was doing to pass the time that contributed to the big idea.

    What did you study in school actually?

    I studied estate management, but that’s not what I want to be hired for. I want to be the chief marketing officer of a tech startup.

    How do you go from estate management to marketing officer?

    Estate management is about selling and evaluating landed property, and marketing is attached to it. I’ve always been big on brand building since I started doing graphic design. So all my work experience has been related to that. I worked two months in Unilever Nigeria with the internal communications team. I also worked in radio as the chair of content management. I worked in a tech company for two years before I quit in 2017 to try this photography something.

    Do you ever regret taking a bet on yourself like that?

    No, not at all. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t know when, and after I left, I was broke for a while. But I knew what was possible. This is the sixth year, and I haven’t regretted that decision one bit. I don’t miss the 9-5 life. I can’t deny that consistent income helps you plan your life and gives you something to do on a daily basis. But I don’t think I’d ever want to go back. If anything, I’d do consultancy where I choose my hours. Even now, the only reason I’m looking for a job is because my eyes have tear. I want more money. I love money. I’m trying to burn the candle from two ends. I want to get consistent money while I get photography money in a way that’s maximally efficient.

    How did you now get into music?

    I was in the choir in Covenant University. Even when I finished youth service, a church paid me to be part of their choir l. I say music was my first love. But I’m the type to double my talents like that parable from the Bible. Everyone needs an alternative source of income. At the very beginning, I had photography, but I didn’t feel like I could stand alone with it. It’s possible for you to love something, but because it’s your source of income, it becomes more stressful and challenging. So you want to find other artistic hobbies as an outlet. So I still love photography, but music started for me because my photography business had come to a point where I could explore another side of myself. 

    So with music, you want to express yourself, not earn?

    No o. I want to earn and express myself, please. Remember what I said about money and liking it? So if it can get me money, of course I’d take it. I’m looking for money. At the end of the day, please, it’s important.

    Are you earning from music yet?

    Not as much as I’d like. As much as I want to earn from it, I’m also big on doing what I love. I’m creating music, but I don’t have a label, or the financial backing is not as big as it needs to be. That’s also how my photography started, right? I was doing stuff I loved, and eventually, people came around to it. Now, people pay me a lot of money for it. Before you can make a lot of money off streaming, you need to get a million streams or something. I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

    But does photography open doors for you? 

    Yes, my photography has helped me meet some really interesting people. I’ve met Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve been able to change people’s lives. I’m thankful because I’ve mentored people who now live on their photography. I’ve been talked about in places I’ve never been because of my photography. You know, the bible says a man’s gift maketh way for him and puts him before great men. That’s my testimony.

    Hallelujah. Do you feel like you’re at the peak of your career? 

    I don’t think I’m anywhere close to up there. I think I’m, if anything, a tiny local champion — even “champion” is a strong word. I hope to be a global phenomenon, not just in photography, in everything. Photography, as much as I love it, is still a stepping stone to my bigger goals. 

    What are these goals? What does going global look like?

    I want somebody somewhere in Bangladesh to think, “I can be a great photographer” because this random guy from Nigeria did it. I want people I probably will never meet to connect with my work on a personal level. 

    I want to establish a University of the Arts in Nigeria. I don’t know how it’ll happen or how I’ll get there, but there are so many incredibly gifted people in this country who never get the opportunities they need to showcase their gifts. I hate how they may never get the chance to pursue their passion. The Grammys are big because there’s an academy of scholars who’ve studied music and the arts to the point where they’ve come together to create a conglomerate that celebrates them. The reason why we don’t have that in Nigeria is because the art world is still growing here. But also, people don’t think it’s a viable, life choice to become an artist. There are no schools people respect, like universities where you can study the arts.

    Are you doing anything to make these dreams happen yet?

    Everything I’ve done up to this point has led me here, and it’ll lead me there, if that makes sense. I don’t have a school currently, but one thing I’m trying to do in 2023 is create a mentorship program. I won’t restrict it to photographers, but they’ll be the main focus. And hopefully, this coming election will be the starting point of a new era, and we get to the point where our passports can do better, so creatives can stay or go and come as they please. 

    Here’s my final question: Why do you tell such bad dad jokes on Twitter? 

    I take offence to that. What do you mean my dad jokes are bad? First of all, I’m not a dad; it’s just a joke. Secondly, for you to call it a joke, that means it’s funny. I feel like it takes a refined mind to appreciate a good joke; bad is not a word I’d use for art. So the fact that you did not snicker at my snickers makes me doubt the bounty of your ability to imagine.

    You should stick to photography

    Who do you know that’s a better jokes person than I am?

    Honestly, if you ever do stand up? I’ll be throwing tomatoes and that shit’s expensive

    I’ll be getting vegetables, and that means I’ll be getting a balanced diet. So I don’t mind it. I’d still keep on my stand-up career.

  • How to Survive in Nigeria Without Cash or a Functioning Bank App

    Nigerians are going through it right now. Mere days to the 2023 elections and there’s fuel and cash scarcity, harmattan 2.0, and now, some bank apps are refusing to open or allow transfers. 

    After a certain Nigerian bank — that creates TV shows and organises fashion events — caused a driver to almost beat me up, I decided to ask other Nigerians how they’re hacking this financial mess. These are some of the alternatives they gave me. 

    Make card-only transactions 

    With no cash or bank app, it’s time to focus on your debit card. Everywhere you go, ask for a POS, and please, pack your slippers and run if they don’t have one. Also, connect all your cards to your Bolt or Uber accounts to avoid getting stranded because your transfer is taking longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies combined. 

    Help people make payments with your card in exchange for their cash

    Standing by the supermarket counter and offering to pay for someone’s groceries might look weird at first. But when you go home with different colours of new notes, the shame will leave your body. For this to be effective, you have to offer Black Friday sales: If someone’s bill is ₦‎9,800 ask them to give you ₦‎9,500 while you sort out the remaining ₦‎300. 

    Become active in church and collect cash offering in exchange for transfer 

    What God cannot do doesn’t exist, and the latest miracle is finding cash in the house of the Lord. The inside gist is some people with access are collecting part of your Sunday offerings and making transfers to the church’s account. If you’re an active member, now is the time to befriend the usher or pastor for blessings in the form of cash. 

    Become best friends with your nearest POS agent for insider gist 

    After President Bubu, the next most powerful person in Nigeria is that guy with a POS machine and umbrella at your junction. POS agents are the new movers and shakers, so having one on your side to either flash or call you as soon as container cash arrives might just be what you need to survive these dark times. 

    RECOMMENDED: What Nigerian Banks Should Do Since Banking Isn’t Their Calling

    Make your transfers at midnight like a witch 

    Since bank apps have refused to function during the day, some Nigerians are doing night vigils to make their transfers, and we heard it works. Write down all the account numbers you need to send money to, open your bank app at 1 a.m. while witches are having drama rehearsals, and watch at least one of your transactions cross the finish line. 

    Use digital financial apps like Opay, Carbon, etc.

    With regular bank apps disgracing and turning us into onigbeses, Nigerians are turning to other apps that offer financial services, like OPay, Carbon, Orange Money Africa and GOMoney. It might be a struggle to send money from your regular bank app to one of these apps, but it’s smooth sailing from when you manage to japa financially. 

    Break the kom kom under your bed

    Yes, I know you’ve been saving money in that wooden piggy bank since your NYSC days, but how can you keep saving when you can’t access your account to buy a bottle of water to survive? Only the living can save, dear. Get a hammer and demolish that DIY bank today. You can go back to your saving culture when life gets back to normal. 

    ALSO READ: 7 Things Anyone Who Has Used This Savings Box Will Relate To

  • Important K-World Kims You Should Know by Now 

    I’ll be first to admit I underestimated just how many Kims exist in the K-pop world. Not to be mistaken for relatives of Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea, here are all the Kims any true K-stan knows and loves.

    Kim Yujin

    If you’re a big fan of fantasy movies and saw the American TV show, Lost, growing up, then you’ve seen this actress before. She’s most popular for her role in Money Heist though.

    Kim Bum

    Probably one of the most underrated South Korean actors, he’s also a singer, dancer and model. You may know him from Boys Over Flower, Tale of the Nine-Tailed, Ghost Doctor or 18 Again.

    Kim Taeri 

    Our baby-faced fave is the actress who had a breakout role in the award-winning movie, The Handmaiden, and the heart-breaking 2022 high school drama, Twenty-five Twenty-one.

    Kim Go Eun

    The queen of tears. Are you even a K-drama fan if you don’t know Go Eun from Cheese in the Trap, Goblin, and, more recently, Little Women?

    Kim Seokjin

    He’s the oldest member and lead vocalist of BTS, currently serving in the South Korean army.

    Kim Jongin

    Probably one of the best dancers in K-pop, EXO-Ls will never forget him in his iconic red suit from that Love Shot fam cam. The rapper and model is a member of the 3rd-gen group, EXO.

    Kim Jisoo

    She’s the lead vocalist of the global girl group, BLACKPINK, who made her debut as an actress in the romantic K-drama, Snowdrop. She’s also the group’s “visual”; BLINKs call her “Miss Korea” for perfectly meeting the Korean beauty standard.

    Kim Namjoon 

    If you don’t know who this is, we should actually fight you. Popularly known as RM (Rap Monster), Namjoon is the leader and main rapper of BTS.

    Kim Min Kyu

    Everyone’s current fave, the South Korean actor, went viral for his role as the second male lead in Business Proposal. Rumour has it that he was a former trainee set to debut with SEVENTEEN, but we still get to see his idol side in his new drama, The Heavenly Idol. 

    Kim Jennie

    The other piece of the BLACKPINK Kim duo, Jennie is the main rapper of the global girl group. But like most K-pop idols, her acting career is brewing as she’s set to star in The Weeknd’s drama series, The Idol.

    Kim Doyoung

    The main vocalist of NCT 127 who sang the OSTs for popular dramas like Soundtrack#1, Tale of Nokdu, Yumi’s Cells and School 2017. He also starred as the lead in To X Who Doesn’t Love Me

    Kim Taehyung

    Popularly known as V, Kim Taehyung is a member of BTS. With his unique baritone voice and pretty face, he’s managed to steal all our hearts. He also starred in the popular K-drama, Hwarang.

    Kim Mingyu

    One of the good K-pop rappers, he’s also a model (best in taking boyfriend pictures) and can cook pretty well. This SEVENTEEN member is multitalented.

    Kim Chaewon

    She’s the leader of the viral 4th-gen girl group, LE SSERAFIM, but OG K-pop stans know her from her days in IZ*ONE and the talent survival show, Produce 48.

    Kim Seungmin 

    You know him as the lead vocalist of the boy group, Stray Kids, but Stays know he’s secretly the lead rapper. You’ve probably seen him in some of your favourite K-dramas too. 

  • Relocating? Bet You Didn’t Know You Could Sell These Items

    Your japa dreams have finally come to pass, and it’s time to leave Nigeria. It’s also time to sell all your properties for extra cash.

    When I say “property”, you might be thinking cars and family land. No, that’s for bastardly-rich people. For ordinary citizens like you and me, these items are the sellable property. 

    Plastic “takeaway” plates

    We all still have a giant pile of takeaway plates dating back since 2005. Some people call it hoarding, I say it’s saving the environment from plastic pollution. So what if they now look like a fair Igbo babe? They still work, right? Sell them.

    Plastic bags

    Why throw away what you’ve spent years accumulating, when you can just pass on the tradition to someone else for a fee? If you think no one will buy because they have their own stash of plastic bags, just try it first. There’s no such thing as too many plastic bags.

    Power bank

    There’s no NEPA where you’re going, so you might as well sell your power bank to those who still need it.

    Hand fans

    Sure, the sun is everywhere, but the one abroad sun-kisses people. 

    Cash

    Specifically, the new naira notes. It’s now worth more than dollars in Nigeria, so you’ll be smiling to the bank.

    Body parts

    Wherever you’re relocating to, the odds are their medical system is better than Nigeria’s. I’m sure they can keep you alive even without a heart or liver.

    Wi-Fi devices and data

    You can even throw in your sim cards as a bonus. Considering how much these internet service providers have disgraced us, I say it’s good riddance to bad rubbish.

    Your glucose guardian

    Unless they’ll be sending you funds in foreign currency, sell them. What do you need naira for when you’re already in a new dispensation?


    NEXT READ: Everyone in Nigeria Is a Victim of These 10 Scams 

  • 7 Types of People You’ll Meet in a Hot Twitter Conversation

    From the people with valid points to the ones who are angry for no reason, here are the different types you’ll see in a Twitter conversation. Know the ones you’re dealing with so you can avoid trouble.

    The instigators

    The ones who tweet clearly stupid or controversial things just for engagement. They always disappear when the chaos starts, so beware of their trap.

    The fire stokers

    The devil has many advocates and most are on Twitter. The best place to find them is in the comment section of the instigators.

    The market sellers

    These ones don’t care about anything. They just want to use all the trending topics to sell their market. So if you see a tweet that ends with words that make no sense together — “Buhari, Oshodi, BBNaija” — just know they’re trying to sell something.

    The attention-seeking contrarians

    If everyone is arguing about whether or not two plus two is equal to four, you can be sure to find someone who’ll mention how numbers are a capitalist invention. They’re the ITKs of Twitter.

    The commentators

    These ones actually want to have a conversation. They’ll lay down points that’ll make you feel sorry for them for talking sense in a wild place like Nigerian Twitter.

    The jokers

    It’s never that deep with these people. They’ll come at any hot take with a slam dunk that makes everybody forget why they were angry in the first place.

    The angry ones

    For these ones, every conversation is a threat of violence. They just want to insult anybody with a different opinion. No matter how calm you feel, once you engage them, heat will start catching you. They might even curse your father for no reason at all.


    NEXT READ: The Zikoko Guide To Being A Nigerian Twitter Influencer


  • K-Drama High School Parents Make Nigerian Parents Look Like Saints

    I’ve been watching Crash Course in Romance, and it shows the extreme lengths Korean parents go to when it comes to their kid’s academics. This comes up in every K-drama that focuses on high schoolers. 

    Like Koreans, Nigerians value education and often have high expectations for their children’s academic achievements, but here’s how Nigerian parents enforce it differently.

    They’ll never stalk your lesson teacher

    Sorry to Korean parents, but Nigerian parents aren’t jobless. They won’t even remember your lesson teacher’s name unless you fail after they’ve wasted their money. Why would they waste their fuel or transport like that? The mum in Crash Course In Romance stalked her daughter’s after-school teacher, with her child in the car, like it’s normal. And she later hired a detective to do the same thing.  

    RELATED: The Horrible Practices in High School K-drama that Nigerians Can Relate To


    What’s their business with what you do after school?

    In K-drama, the parents are always pressed about what their kids do with their time after school. But if Nigerian parents think for a second that you’re playing too much, they’ll just lock you in boarding school. Someone will give them your gist without them making effort anyway.

    How you pass is up to you. Just pass

    Nigerian parents expect you to pass by divine understanding and a few low-budget lesson teachers. Korean parents enrol their children in private academies called “hagwons“, after school or on weekends, to supplement their regular education. Korean mums stand in long queues to make sure their kids get the best seats in front of the board, pay an arm and a leg to get their kids into top tutorial centres and might even kill if need be.

    They won’t bully the person who does better than you

    In Crash Course in Romance, a mum made sure a child got kicked out of a program just because she did better than her daughter. Nigerian parents will be proud of your competition and ask you if they have two heads. Your beef is not their beef.

    Limiting your social activities

    As a Nigerian kid, what even is a social life? If you want one, wait till you’re a doctor with three children. This is probably the one thing both parents have in common. But Korean parents go the extra mile by tracking their kids’ phones or picking you up from school themselves. 

    They won’t move just to be close to better schools

    No, no. Nigerian parents don’t inconvenience themselves for you. You better get used to that four-hour-a-day commute because they’ll send you to that good school, but move closer to it? Never.

    Or relocate to a different country 

    My brother in Christ, your best bet as a Nigerian kid is to learn how to take care of yourself because you’ll relocate alright, but alone. In Our Blues, a dad who was struggling to provide for his family moved abroad for his child’s golfing career and education. And the child still wanted to quit after everything. Imagine trying that with a Nigerian dad.

    You must take responsibility for your bad test scores

    Nigerian parents only intervene with prayer, shouting, flogging, and when they’re sure your head is actually just a basket, they get a lesson teacher. In high school K-drama, parents will blame themselves for not waking their kids up or taking them to school on time, or having enough money to pay for tutorials. Culture shock for real. 

    I can’t even tell which is worse, the ones who stress you out and make you forget you’re a kid or the ones who don’t stress you out but still keep you from enjoying your childhood. Sha, we move. 

    READ ALSO: Korean Parents Are Nigerian Parents in Disguise, Here’s Why

  • What to Do With Your Old Naira Notes

    With the naira redesign and ensuing shortage of cash, many are now stuck with old notes. If you’re one of such people looking for what to do with your old notes, we’ve got some ideas for you. 

    Give El-Rufai 

    He’s still saying people should keep using the old notes, so just give them all to him. Let him change it for you. 

    Trade with an akara seller 

    Food has cost, and times are tough. Old notes are the new old newspapers, so why not try swapping them for some akara? At least, if you can’t buy food with them, you can use them to collect food. 

    Rag 

    Harmattan is kuku back so there’s more dust. CBN saw this coming and introduced the naira redesign just so you can use your old notes to dust your clothes and shoes. 

    RELATED: The Real Reason Why Harmattan Is Back

    Handkerchief 

    When you can’t put on your AC because there’s no fuel, use the old notes to clean your sweat and tears. 

    Sew cloth 

    If you can’t afford the ₦25,999 Adedoyin dress those money launderers fashion designers sell on Instagram, use your old naira notes as fabric for new clothes. 

    Make a wig 

    Is it in this economy you want to be spending ₦150k on bone straight bob? Better tear your money and get to wigging. 

    RELATED: Why Wigs Are so Damn Expensive — According to Amaka

    Wrap your notebooks 

    Brown paper is hard to find these days, so use your old naira notes as an alternative.

    Keep for your children and grandchildren 

    Let them rate you as the parent or grandparent who cares about teaching them Nigerian history. You sef, don’t you want to tell someone, “Back in my day”? 

    RELATED: What Nigerian Banks Should Do Since Banking Isn’t Their Calling

  • The Real Reason Why Harmattan Is Back 

    Some people might attribute the return of harmattan to global warming. But what do they know? Do they know more than us? We’re here to tell you the REAL reason why harmattan decided to stage a comeback in the middle of February. 

    Elections are coming 

    Do you really want to vote in extreme heat? No, you don’t.

    You complained 

    Every two to three business days, there was a Tweet complaining about how hot the country is. Now, your prayers have been answered. Someone shout glory! 

    The last person to go to hell closed the gate 

    We’ve been this hot because people always leave the gate open when they get to hell. And the heat from the fiery pit finds its way to Nigeria, their Earthly branch. Now that the last person to go closed the gate, we can enjoy a country that isn’t trying to use heat to kill us. 

    RELATED: 8 Reasons Why Hell Might not Be so Bad

    Skin was getting too ashy

    People were using the heat as an excuse to stop rubbing cream. Mother nature  took offense and decided to get involved. Now, if you don’t take care of your skin, you’ll look like a goblin. She’s giving us tough motherly love. 

    Valentine’s Day is over

    Harmattan started after Valentine’s Day because it didn’t want to give people an even bigger excuse to commit sin. In the scorching heat, some people stayed away from all appearances of evil. 

    Fuel is scarce 

    You can’t put on your fans and ACs anymore, so harmattan came back to relieve some of the stress. Now, you won’t have a heat stroke during the day. 

    The sun is tired 

    The sun has been putting in the work these past couple of weeks. It has burned tirelessly, and now, it needs a break. That’s why it invited harmattan over for some support.

    RELATED: Interview With Harmattan:”I Come Like a Thief in the Night”

  • Older Sibling Struggles No One Talks About

    If you have an older sibling, you don’t know how lucky you are. You have someone to give you advice and clothes, someone who’ll always stand up for you when your parents are moving mad. But they struggle with things too. Their lives aren’t as perfect as it seems.

    Having all the best things

    As the older sibling, they bear the pressure of having all the nicest things. They need to get the coolest clothes and shoes for their younger siblings to steal. Must be rough. 

    RELATED: What if the Days of the Week Were Siblings?

    Becoming a parent too soon

    It all starts with them I spending their childhood babysitting kids. Then by the ripe age of 25, they’re asking their siblings questions like, “Who’s that boy you’re talking to?” or “Is that the shirt you’re wearing to follow me outside?” They’ve been so close to your parents for so long, they start to act like them. What a shame. 

    Dealing with unhappy staff siblings

    When the younger siblings were born, they thought they could breathe because their parents had given them unpaid house staff. But instead of the younger siblings to be happy to help, all they do is complain. 

    Being the favourite child

    Not everyone can handle being their parents’ favourite. Which happens naturally to them because they stress them out the least by being perfect. As a reward, they have to willingly listen to all their parents’ stories ten times. 

    Watching your siblings grow old

    As the older sibling, they get to watch their younger ones grow from screaming diaper-wearing infants to adults who drink their coffee black. They’re the only ones who remember in detail all the versions they’ve outgrown over the years. 

    Being poor because they spend all their money on bribes 

    They should be rich since they’ve been alive the longest, but alas, that’s not the case. Why? Because their siblings find tiny ways to bill them. They’ve bribed them to get out of trouble more times than any Nigerian politician trying to win an election. 

    Having all the best advice

    As an older sibling, they have to deal with the constant headache of using their brain too much. They spend all their time acquiring experience with bad friends and horrible partners to advise their siblings in their time of need. It’s a thankless service they take for granted.  

    READ ALSO: Yes, the Sibling Code Exists. How Many Do You Know?

  • People Who’ve Japa Need to Stop Doing These 10 Annoying Things 

    Nigerians in the diaspora can be annoying sometimes. It’s like they all got the same memo: Japa and begin to find ways to annoy all the Nigerians you left behind. I need japa connoisseurs to please stop doing these 10 things.  

    Recording videos in the snow 

    One thing japa warriors have in common is recording all their videos outside in the snow. Does the snow emphasise that they’re abroad, or does it show the hardship they’re really going through? Either way, they need to stop. 

    Telling us how cold it is 

    At least 100 new Ontarians have told us how cold it is. We’ve heard. But it won’t stop us from coming. 

    Reminding us that it’s not easy 

    Every five seconds, they must remind us that living abroad isn’t easy, like they’re not enjoying the perks of a functional society and economy. Come back to Nigeria then, if abroad is so tough. Nowhere is completely easy, except you’re rich.

    Telling us to stay back 

    I hate when they make statements like, “Don’t come to the UK. The people here aren’t friendly”,  or “Don’t come to Japan. The sun doesn’t shine”. Other nationalities are finding ways to bring in more of their people, but Nigerians are telling theirs not to come. 

    Telling us how lonely it is 

    They don’t even mean they miss their families or struggle to make genuine friends. All they care about is how hard it is to find a sex partner. Then they tell us to find partners we can bring abroad with us. 

    Telling us to japa 

    They japa and immediately forget the struggles they faced when they were leaving the country. Now, every time something bad happens in Nigeria, we get variations of “Better japa fast if you like yourself”, “Japa o. Nigeria is horrible”.  Will you give me the money?

    Acting like they don’t know how bad Nigeria is 

    All of a sudden, they’ve forgotten that NEPA takes light and the background sound they hear over the phone is generator noise. I once complained about working late at a former bank job, to a friend abroad, and he asked me to quit since they aren’t paying overtime. You say, what? 

    Telling us how much stuff in their new country costs in naira

    “Can’t believe I just paid ₦13k to barb my hair.” No, sir. You paid $30. They’re not earning in naira, so I don’t get why they’re always crying about the naira equivalent of things. Are they looking for pity?

    ALSO READ: 7 Telltale Signs Your Coworker Is About to Japa

  • 8 Korean Actors Who Are More Versatile Than Rice

    Most Korean actors are versatile. They try their best to switch it up from time to time. But some have taken it to such great lengths that it’s like they have a split personality on screen. Here are some actors who’ve played both Patience Ozokwor and Chioma Chukwuka-like roles. 

    Ok Taec-yeon

    His role as the naive intern who turned out to be the evil mastermind in Vincenzo still has me shook nearly two years after, mostly because I’d never seen him play a role like that. He’s usually the charming male lead who acts gruff but has a soft heart, like in Dream High, Bring It On Ghost or his super cheerful character in Secret Royal Inspector Joy. All I know is I’ll be looking extra hard at whatever character he chooses to play next. 

    korean actors versatile

    RELATED: 10 Actors Only Real K-Drama Fans Know


    Kim Da Mi

    If she’s not one of your favourite Korean actresses right now, you don’t like good things. Kim Da Mi knows how to switch things up. She can be a super feisty genius sociopath, like in Itaewon Class, or a fearless evil spirit (or whatever that was) in The Witch: Part 1. The Subversion, who murders her rival, Choi Woo-shik (her romantic love interest in Our Beloved Summer). Whew, can’t she do it all?

    korean actors versatile

    Park Bo Geum

    Based on his cute face alone, there are some roles you won’t expect to see Bo Geum play, but I laugh in “original ekun egbere”. If you’re like me, you fell in love with him after watching him play Taek, an internationally renowned genius Baduk player, in Reply 1988. He was the quietest of all his friends and the baby of the group. Then I watched him play the cunning and emotionless serial killer who was also a lawyer in Hello Monster. I couldn’t believe my eyes, but he’ll always be cute Taek to me sha. 

    korean actors versatile

    Lee Dong Wook

    When he plays evil Patience Ozokwor characters, I expect it; he looks evil. But when he’s nice, my chest starts to pain me. For a grim reaper in Goblin, he was super adorable, and I was even rooting for him. Then I saw him in Strangers From Hell, where he plays a dentist who was a little too friendly. He turned out to be a psychopathic murderer, and my heart actually rested because it made sense. Have you ever met a nice dentist? Don’t watch Strangers From Hell if you have a weak heart o.

    korean actors versatile

    Uhm Ki Joon

    When this man plays a villain, you’ll find yourself praying to God for all the people who find his trouble. But when he’s the victim, he’s so cute and sweet. One of his sweeter roles was as Kang Oh-Hyuk, a teacher who believed in all his students, in Dream High. He fought for them even though they nearly gave him a heart attack and made him lose his job. So when you meet his character in Penthouse — a super convincing psychopathic businessman who’ll stop at nothing to get what he wants — you’ll wonder if it’s the same person. 

    korean actors versatile

    Lee Seung-gi

    I wouldn’t usually list Lee Seung-gi as someone with range because most of his characters feel the same. He’s usually funny, light-hearted and doesn’t take things too seriously, even when he’s on the brink of death — watch My Girlfriend Is a Gumiho, King 2 Hearts Gu Family Book and A Korean Odyssey. That changed in Mouse, where he played a police officer who turned out to be a psychopathic serial killer. It doesn’t help that it was based on a true story (I still have shivers thinking about it). 

    korean actors versatile

    Ji Sung

    Ji Sung is the king of versatility. In Kill Me Heal Me, he played Cha Do Hyun, a character with seven alter egos, including a teenage girl. He has the funniest facial expressions that keep you laughing even in serious scenes, but he can also switch it up. In Devil Judge, he was so unsympathetic, I wanted to slap him through my screen. That’s how you know an actor is good at his job. 

    korean actors versatile

    Jo Jung Suk

    If you were introduced to Jo Jung Suk in Hospital Playlist, you’ll assume he’s the sweetest and funniest actor. He was a great, super-friendly dad who made silly jokes. But in Hit-And-Run Squad, he played a stinky rich and arrogant race car driver. Like a rich Nigerian, his character assumes he’s above the law. I’ve since chosen to unsee that character, but I’m proud of his range still. 

    korean actors versatile

    Kim Go Eun

    When you see Kim Go Eun in a movie, you expect tears. But in Monster, she played an aggressive and weird character who wanted nothing more than revenge for her sister’s death. And she deserved a standing ovation for her role in Pretty Women because, wow. What a deceit. I can’t wait to see her play a proper villain though.

    korean actors versatile

    Kim Hyun Joo

    My queen, the original IT girl, Kim Hyun Joo, has spent years showing us what versatility looks like. She makes you forget any character she’s played before the one on your screen. In I Have A Lover, she played twin sisters separated at birth. One was a super cold and apathetic lawyer, and the other, a sweet and funny pregnant woman. In the Watcher, she’s a ruthless and manipulative lawyer who doesn’t understand team spirit at all. If she’s not winning, what’s the point? Then you see her play a terminally ill woman in Fantastic and wonder if she’s Chioma Chukuwka’s twin because, why are you crying buckets of tears every second?

    korean actors versatile

    READ ALSO: Korean Actresses That Made Us Obsessed With K-drama

  • The Absolute Best Places to Meet Your Future Partner

    You’ve probably heard the saying, “God only gives you time and place. The rest is in your hands”. If you meet your future partner in any of these seven places, just know it’s a sign your relationship will be sweet.

    ATM booth

    What better place to meet your future partner than at an ATM queue? Falling in love over money is basically good vibes for your love life.

    Filling station

    This is how you know your partner has the hustling spirit everyone needs to survive. They’ll do all the struggling while you settle into that soft life.

    Police station

    Your partner will at least try to fight for your right when anything happens in life. Whether or not they’ll be able to get you justice is another issue entirely.

    Owambe

    You can tell right off the bat that they love enjoyment, and your relationship will be filled with fun. They might still show you pepper, but you’ll sha enjoy.

    Airport

    You need to start hanging around airports, and be on the lookout for people with blue passports. What’s better than a love that can take you to greener pastures?

    The beach

    You’ll only find the soft and peaceful type who won’t stress your life.   

    Someone’s marital home

    Who says the love of your life can’t be another person’s partner? Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding love.


    NEXT READ: 13 Places to Meet a Rich Bobo in Lagos


    Brought to you by LOVE LIFE
  • If You’re Single on Valentine’s Day, Rewatch These Iconic K-Drama Episodes

    We’re confident about two things, according to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics. The first is Valentine’s Day can be hard when you’re single. The second? Rewatching these iconic K-drama episodes will soften it. Just trust us.

    The King: Eternal Monarch: Ep. 11/12

    I mean, it’s a movie starring Lee Min-ho as Emperor Lee Gon. Every scene is romantic, but especially that one scene where he gathers all his guards, police, helicopters and citizens of his fictional country, Corea, to save his queen. That might not be your current reality, but watching it will keep your heart racing like it’s happening to you. 


    READ ALSO: QUIZ: Can You Guess the K-drama From Its Iconic Line?


    Our Beloved Summer: Ep. 16

    From the first episode to the last, this show will have you cheesing, especially if you keep thinking about your ex. But the final episode is one of the very best. Ung returns to Korea to surprise Yeon-su and finally tells her he loves her. You also get to see how all the other sub plots end,what more could you want?

    Hospital Playlist 2: Ep. 12

    Everyone and their dads can see how badly Ik-jun wanted to be with Chae Song-Hwa in Hospital Playlist 2. He’d already confessed his feelings to her in the first season, and if you have all day, you can rewatch the whole thing from the first season. Or you could go to episode 12 in season 2 and experience how it felt to hear Song-hwa finally confess to him while having coffee in the car in the pouring rain — like they always do. Infact, I’m going to rewatch too. 

    Vincenzo: Ep. 20

    Vincenzo isn’t romance-focused, no one can deny the chemistry between Vincenzo and Hong Cha-young. After all the back-and-forth finally paid off in the finale, when they meet again, he says the iconic line, “See you in Malta”, revealing his location to her. Go and watch it ASAP. What do you need love for when you have K-drama?

    Crash Landing on You: Ep. 16 

    This whole show is like candy for your aching heart. But you see that scene where Se-ri and Captain Ri finally reunite in South Korea? It’s the least heartbreaking. You’ll enjoy the slow motion and soft smiles.

    Hometown Cha Cha Cha: Ep. 12

    The bucket list episode where Hye-in and Du-sik try to experience everything she’d ever wanted with a romantic partner. It’s cute and silly and so heartwarming, you’ll forget all your problems.

    Vagabond: Ep. 13

    More thriller than romance, but I live for that one hospital scene where Dal-gun and Hae-ri start to fall in love. He carries her up, and she puts her feet on top of him, almost like they’re dancing. God, when? 

    Hotel Del Luna: Ep. 16

    Who doesn’t love a good “star crossed lovers” drama? Chan-sung and Man-wol went through a lot for a love that could never happen, but at least, they got to share that kiss under the stars in episode 13.


    RELATED: How to Write the Perfect Romantic K-drama Series

  • Creator Spotlight: I Wrote “Chemical” in My Third Month of Celibacy – Layzee Ella

    Hi, I’m Layzee Ella.

    I’m a musician. I’m also an overthinker, constantly analysing things and forming smart or deep. I used to like reading a lot, but that’s changed because I can’t focus on anything for more than five seconds. I must have undiagnosed ADHD. I blame TikTok for reducing my attention span, but will I stop using the app? No.

    Will you ever get a proper diagnosis?

    I hate going to the hospital and taking drugs, so I won’t get one. I like to give my immune system a chance to fight since that’s what it’s there for. My friend has been trying to get me to get checked for a while now, but I’m just waiting it out and eating vegetables. I don’t want meds to ruin my life. That’s what I do, run away from hospitals and make music. I was in medical lab science. Then I got bored in my finals and had a panic attack, so I quit.  

    Wait, rewind. How? What did you tell your parents?

    They didn’t bring me up. Of course, I lived in their house, but they didn’t have any time for me. I was the last, and I think they were tired of raising kids. They never really made any decision for me. 

    I created rules and laws for my life. And I always paid the price on my own. One time, I got into big trouble with the police, and I called my dad. He was like, “I didn’t send you there”. It’s messed up sometimes, but I live through it. When you know nobody will be there for you when you fall, you’ll be more careful with your decisions.

    I guess their opinion wasn’t necessary when you went into music either?

    Nope. It was just me and my best friend, Teddy. He learnt how to produce music and we made my first song together just like that. I was 14 at the time. We later got into uni together at 16. I was in medical lab science, and he was in medicine. We made covers, saved up for studio equipment, rented a room and created a studio in school.

    How does a 16-year-old save up for studio equipment?

    I had to start making money fast because my pocket money was ₦5k a month. If not, there was only death by starvation at the end of the light. I’ve always been smart and calculative. My dad made sure I understood math, which helped me with money. I also used to do side jobs, like getting paid by real estate agents to broadcast their hostels around school, and I was very popular in school.  

    What made you popular?

    I was popular for being an idiot. Many people liked talking to me because I never took anything too serious. I never had enemies, and I was small and fine, so there was no reason to hate me. I was already loved before I dropped my first cover, so my second cover went viral. It was a cover of Burna Boy’s On the Low in 2018. 

    When did you start making your own music, and how was it received? 

    My first song was Sober. I dropped it in January 2020. Back then, I didn’t even have money for the promo, but it did really well. I’d been rapping on my IG for a while, so nobody knew I could sing when I dropped it. People were shocked by my voice. I got a lot of love and support. 

    How did you come up with your name?

    It was a nickname from secondary school. We had five Ellas in my class. There was tomboy Ella, tall Ella, short Ella, and I was the one who created a space in the roof to hide and avoid work. But I wasn’t lazy. I just didn’t like physical work.

    How did you get signed?

    I got picked by Kimani, the CEO of my company, and it just happened. She was obsessed with my song, Body On Me. Before we started any business talk or whatever, she really just wanted to tell me how much she loved my music. It felt so good.

    When I made it, I didn’t like it that much. It was the last song I made on When the Lights Go Off. I made it without a beat, inspired by Burna Boy. Then I gave it to Teddy, and his beat made it so sick. It worked well because Teddy and I are usually in the same headspace. But now, he’s focused on finishing school.  

    Which of your songs do you actually like?

    Deep Into You from my last project, Chemical and Put It On Me. I prefer my music when I’m going extra hard. So if it sounds like anything I might’ve heard before, I don’t feel special listening to it.

    Does the company make you create certain types of songs?

    Because of the way I was brought up, I don’t handle being controlled well. So it helps that my CEO and I trust each other’s work. We’re always sharing ideas, and we take each other seriously. But sometimes, when they play a beat, you never really know what you’re creating until it’s done and you listen to it again.

    I’m still amused a 14-year-old woke up one day and said, “Yeah, let’s do music”. At 14, I was sleeping during night prep

    I was in the choir as a child. I’d been into music since I was four or five. My brother would make me try to hit some notes and sing Beyonce’s songs. That boy was 13 to my five, but if I sang the wrong note, he’d slap me. So I picked up rapping instead because I knew he couldn’t rap.

    Who were your rap influences? 

    There was DeJ Loaf, Eminem, Baby Keem and Young Thug. I loved Young Thug. His flows are fire. He’s funny, and I imagine him on Afrobeats sometimes. Outside rap, there’s Koffee, Harry Styles recently and Post Malone.

    How about Nigerians? Anyone you want to work with?

    Fireboy. We’ve collaborated before, and that was one of my favourite sessions ever. I want a song with Rema. I’m curious how we would sound, but it’s not really my priority to work with anyone. I don’t give a fuck about anything but the listeners and numbers because, obviously, that’s how you know people care about your craft.

    It must feel good to have people support your music

    Of course I does. I created something, so I like knowing it touched people. I don’t even care if I get awarded for it. I love it when I get texts from my listeners telling me they love my music or they’re thinking of me. I know how I feel when I listen to an artist I love; it’s almost like I’m connected to the artist. So for somebody to fall in love with whatever I created in the past; it always feels so fucking good.

     

    What’s your creative process? 

    It changes all the time. I’ve been going through this creative block for the past three months. It’s gone now, and I know I’ve become a new person, but I’m still too lazy to record. 

    I wrote my first song, Sober, without a beat. I was in love then, so the person was giving me rhythm. For the second one, I locked myself up for about a month or two, creating with Teddy. I heard the inspiration for the beat of Chemical by mistake and wrote it in 20 minutes. It was like God gave it to me. 

    God? Chemical that sounds like sexual tension itself? What were you going through?

    That’s crazy because I was in my third month of celibacy when I wrote Chemical. I wanted to put all my pent-up sexual passion in a song. I’m a very sexual person, so if I’m not having sex, the sexual energy has to go somewhere else. If you listen to Put It On Me, you’d hear the sexual tension too.

    Interesting. Has anyone ever told you they added Chemical to their sex playlist?

    I see titles like “Spread them Cheeks”, “Mine” and “Contraband” on my Spotify for Artists. Just looking through now, I can see its on about 44 playlist on Spotify alone. It’s funny because we were trying to push Hypnotise, but Chemical just sold on its own. My friend, Steph, kept hyping it then people started making videos, and that gave me the ginger to promote it. 

    Are you currently making money from music?

    Well, I’m signed, so I get paid for every project I drop. It’s in thousands of dollars, that’s all I can say.

    But what’s the least you’ve made since you started?

    I only made about $300 – 400 from Sober. You get paid a certain amount per stream, and Sober did about 100k streams.

    How about performing? Do you make any money from it?

    I almost never perform. I’ve performed on stage thrice. I don’t really rate it because they’ve not started paying me big money for it yet. 

    What’s your favourite song to perform?

    Right now, Chemical, but before, it was Somebody. They both have a bounce that keeps your waist moving. 

    Has anyone ever thrown something at you while you were performing?

    Jesus, no. I would just cry.

    I mean things like their shirts  

    No, not yet. But I’m performing at Blaqbonez’s show today, so let’s see if someone throws their bra at me when I perform Chemical

    Do you think you’re at the peak of your career?

    At all. Sometimes, when you create and don’t get the energy you want, it kills your ginger. But there’s more to come. I’m already thinking of my follow up so people know I’m not a one-hit wonder. It’s all about the rollout. I’m creating content around this song while working on the next because the next song is done already. It’s a different vibe but still as sexy as Chemical. I almost never make the same type of song twice except one is an upgraded version of the other.

    And your plan for the coming years? 

    I don’t know. I’ll let God and the world decide because you can make plans but you can never tell what the results would be. There are plans for some features and joint projects with big producers, but the results of those are all in the hands of God.

  • Valentine’s Day Should Be Cancelled: Here’s Why

    We already know you have coconut head, and that’s why you chose to fall in love after all our warnings. But still forget about celebrating Valentine for any of these valid reasons.

    You’re broke

    Do you know how much a single rose is? Have you seen the price tags on those Valentine packages? Even boxers and singlets are now expensive. If you know what’s good for you, cancel your plans.

    No cash 

    Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So except you don’t mind trekking to the date venue or washing plates when your bank’s network disappears again, better cancel everything and sleep. 

    No fuel 

    If you manage to get cash, you’ll spend most of it on transport for you or the gift you want to send. 

    Love is wicked 

    Brick and Lace warned you, but you didn’t hear. Burna Boy predicted it’d end in breakfast, nothing. Even Omah Lay broke commandments for love that still ended in tears. Carry your slippers and run.

    It’s just overrated

    Every February 14, the same thing. Flowers, babalawo red and fornication. Aren’t you tired? 

    Your partner is cheating

    Your partner didn’t fall asleep last night because they were with their actual partner. So please, why are you planning a surprise for them? Don’t be surprised when they make up an excuse to spend Valentine with their real partner.

    Election is coming 

    Elections are just a few weeks away, and you’re thinking about love? Do you even have your PVC? SMH.


    READ NEXT: Be a Vacuum. Air People This Valentine  

  • 7 Superhuman Instincts Nigeria Forced You to Develop

    You can’t be a Nigerian and have only six senses; you’ll see shege. Here are some superhuman instincts we’ve all had to develop by force.

    Detecting an ATM that’ll swallow your card

    Inserting your card in any random ATM is an extreme sport because it may very well be the last time you’ll see it. So knowing when an ATM is about to act funny is an instinct you must develop as a Nigerian.

    Anticipating mad people while driving

    You’re most likely mad, so while driving on Nigerian roads, it’s only natural to expect that you’re with fellow mad people. You’re just one gbas-gbos away from cussing out someone’s mother on a good Friday morning.

    Spotting sweet cherry

    Haters will say there’s no such thing as sweet cherry. But hardcore Nigerians know they lie. There’s a way the cherry will look at you and you’ll know it can’t wait to be enjoyed.

    Safeguarding your phone in public

    You’ll be walking down the streets of Idumota market looking normal, but deep down, you’re holding on to your phone like your life depends on it.

    And your privates

    For men, stolen penises are a big worry, especially in public places. To protect your privates from being stolen in broad daylight, you learn to walk a certain way, so you can always sense its presence in the right place.

    Knowing who you can and cannot change it for

    In Nigeria, having sense is everything. That’s why the question, “Do you know who I am?” is important. It may be all that stands between you and the beating of a lifetime. 

    Calculating electricity

    If you’ve been in Nigeria long enough, you’ll know too much electricity is a bad omen. Imagine having electricity for 16 hours a day on a regular basis. You have to start calculating what to do with it because you know, once it goes off, you won’t see it again for a while.


    NEXT READ: 10 Superpowers Every Nigerian Parent Has


  • Warning Signs You’re Dating an Upcoming TikToker

    Dating an upcoming musician is hell, but you can live with it if they use a stage name. But an upcoming tiktoker? Their face is their brand, so how will you hide your shame? Imagine thinking you’re dating a human being then mid argument, they start dancing and whining their waist? Here are signs to look out for to avoid stories that touch.

    They start saying “POV” before sentences

    You can ask, “What do you want to do this weekend?” and they’d say, “POV: We go to the club”. Block that person, please. You’re single now. 

    They take screenshots of “cute” texts between you guys

    Do they care that some apps announce screenshots? Absolutely not. Next thing you know, your ex who said you’d never find love is using the screenshot of your current partner telling you, “You sometimes look like the inside of a calabash, but they love you” to do, “This you?”

    They’re always trying to teach you a new dance 

    Do they care that you’re 23 with the bones of a 72-year-old who jumped buses for 50 years? Nope, all they want from you is the validation of those 30 likes, 45 views and one comment. 

    Or dancing in the middle of an argument

    If you had to think about this twice, it’s too late for you. 

    They do the randomest things to get your reaction

    You too deep it. She bought you a post-Valentine’s Day gift? And you think you’re safe?

    They share their password with you

    No, they don’t trust you. They just don’t have time to cheat. All they want is for you to easily unlock the phone and record their little dancey dance on the main road at a moment’s notice.

    Their phone is always charged

    Have you ever met a Tiktoker with low phone battery? Exactly. If your partner is always charging their phone, or walking around with those giant power banks, it’s because they’re secretly recording TikTok content. Break up now before it’s too late. 

    They have two phones 

    How can anybody afford two phones in this economy? It’s because they need it to record all those “I just woke up” videos. Next thing you know, they’re waking you up every morning by six a.m. to film them. 

    You’re always getting pranked

    At first, it was small things like recording you looking for your follow-come charger. Next thing, it’s you reacting to them cutting the 2k you you paid 500 to withdraw. Then, this upcoming tiktoker is “jokingly” using your certificate to wrap akara. 

    You don’t remember what hot food tastes like

    Why? Because by the time they’ve finished recording videos of the food from all angles, like a poorly made Indian movie, all it tastes like is the money plus 17% tax you spent on it. 

    They buy a big ring light

    Not those cute ones they can just attach to the phone and use at owambes. No, those gigantic ones photographers use to take pictures. If you don’t run, you’ll be the one carrying it around town last last. 

    They unbox things you know are not new

    Before God and man, you know that hair product they just unboxed is empty and has been so for two months. Why would you want to date a liar, aka an upcoming tiktoker on purpose? 


    READ ALSO: 11 Reasons Why You Should Never Date A Creative

  • Just Imagine: These Nigerian Artists As University Lecturers

    No one gives us as much drama as Nigerian artistes and university lecturers. But what would it be like if they switched places and your favourite artists became university lecturers?

    Wizkid

    TThe dean of the faculty. You only get to see him him once in a while, and when you do, he won’t stop raving about how he taught your favourite lecturers when they were in school.

    Image credit: Premium Times

    Burna Boy

    If you’re an olodo, just avoid his class. If you must attend, you better not sit in front. Just make sure you study the course months in advance first. Because if he calls on you and you can’t answer, he’ll return your school fees and send you away.

    Image credit: PM News

    Teni 

    The former student activist who got tired of shouting “Solidarity forever!” all the time. Now, she just wants to collect her salary and be left alone.

    Image credit: Vogue

    Asake

    You’re not actually sure if he’s a lecturer or a student disguising because he gets along with everybody, and his classes are always full. He’ll probably charge you money to attend sha. Nothing concerns him with your school fees.

    Image credit: The Guardian

    Tiwa Savage

    You can tell she’s not living on her lecturer salary because she’s so unbothered. In fact, she’ll probably just be waiting for the next strike to happen so she can go on another vacation.

    Image credit: Glamour South Africa

    Simi

    She’s simply everyone’s sweetheart, lecturers and students alike. Her only problem is that we don’t get to see enough of her.

    Image credit: TrendyBeatz

    Davido

    He gives off student union president vibes. The kind you can rely on to show up when students need to fight the school authorities.

    Image credit: The Guardian

    Fireboy

    He’s the oversabi professor who’ll ask you what he didn’t teach you in an exam.

    Image credit: Billboard

    CKay

    He won a huge award decades ago and still scores points for it even though nobody attends his class anymore.

    Image credit: BellaNaija

    QUIZ: Which Nigerian Artist Is Your Alter Ego?


  • How to Bag a POS Attendant Partner in 8 Steps

    In these stressful times, you need to do whatever it takes to find cash. Even if that means seducing a POS agent. Follow these steps to date one and have your cash problems solved today.

    Break up with your current partner

    Does your current partner have cash? If they don’t, what are you people doing together? Break up with them and look for someone who can add value to your life.

    Spend all your cash

    You can’t take this seriously if you’re not truly motivated. Spend that last ₦500 in your hand so you know you have no choice but to find cash somewhere else.

    Find a POS attendant with plenty cash

    Don’t waste your time on a POS attendant who doesn’t have cash. You must stay focused on the goal at all times. What’s the use of a POS attendant who doesn’t have plenty cash?  

    Cook food for them

    The way to any human being’s heart is through their stomach — even though it’s their pocket you’re trying to get to. Even spirits at the T-junction accept food as payment for good fortune. 

    Or get them fuel

    Even if they have cash, fuel scarcity is still stressing them out. Bringing them fuel is the most romantic thing you can do for a POS attendant in a time like this. 

    Call them sweet names

    There’s no need to ask anybody out. There are more pressing matters at hand. Just start calling them “baby” every day and showing up at their place with food or fuel. Boom, you’re in a relationship.

    Start dropping hints

    Send them random photos of new naira notes captioned “Thinking about you”. You can also ask them silly questions like, “If you were a naira note, which one would you be?” Anything to hint that you didn’t come here to play; you’re here for business.

    If nothing works, carry gun

    If they’re forming ignorance, negotiate with them at gunpoint so they know this is a purely transactional relationship and they can’t be hiding cash. Desperate times require desperate measures.


    NEXT READ: What Happens When You Can’t Withdraw Cash for Two Weeks Straight?


  • K-World Amebo Spot: January Edition

    Barely two months into the year, and the K-pop industry is already counting wins. Here’s a rundown of every exciting record-breaking thing that’s happened so far. What did we miss?

    BLACKPINK is the first Asian act to headline Coachella

    BLACKPINK made history in 2019 as the festival’s first female K-pop performers, an indication that a tide was shifting and interest in K-pop was skyrocketing in the west. Now, they’ve been welcomed back. This time, as headliners.  

    7 out of the 10 bestselling albums in the US

    According to a year-end analysis released by Luminate and Billboard last week, seven out of the 10 best-selling CD albums in the United States in 2022 were by K-pop artists — BTS, Tomorrow X Together, Stray Kids, TWICE, Stray Kids, Enhypen and NCT 127. BTS’s Proof was number one, of course.

    Pachinko wins critics choice award for best foreign language series

    Apple TV+’s Korean drama series Pachinko bagged the best foreign language series award at the Critics Choice Awards 2023. It was nominated alongside strong shows like Extraordinary Attorney Woo, 1899, Borgen, Garcia!, The Kingdom Exodus, Kleo, My Brilliant Friend and Tehran.  

    Late actor, Kang’s final movie tops Netflix’s global film charts

    Jung E starring the late actress, Kang Soo-yeon in her final performance, topped Netflix’s global list for four days in a row.

    TWICE is the first Korean winner of Billboard Women in Music Award 

    TWICE, a K-pop girl group, is the first Korean act to receive a Billboard Women in Music Award. The awards recognise the most influential female musicians, creators, producers and executives in the music business in a particular year. TWICE was named Breakthrough Artist on January 30.

    BIGBANG’s Taeyang and BTS’s Jimin’s new digital single

    VIBE was released on the 13th of January by singers from two different generations of K-pop. Any true stan will know how much of a big deal this is.

    TXT announces ACT: SWEET MIRAGE world tour

    A comeback and a tour; TXT is keeping their fans fed this year. On Tuesday (January 17), BIGHIT announced the countries they’ll tour in the first leg. Africa wasn’t included, but “more to come” was, so maybe there’s hope?

    Lee Young Ji wins Show Me The Money

    Yongi is the first woman to win the contest and went home with over ₩100 million ($80k or ₦36.5 million). Former winners of the show are Punchnello, Bobby of iKON and LOCO.


  • How to Collect the Soap Tems Is Using

    Since she gained popularity in 2019 with her song, Try Me, Tems has been unstoppable. We’ve deduced that not only is she talented and hardworking, but her soap is also STRONG. So if you want to be unstoppable like Tems, here’s how you can collect her soap. 

    Disguise as her soap case 

    Witchcraft has come a long way. Once upon a time, you could only poison people. Now, you can be anything you want. So join a coven, perfect the tricks of the craft, disguise yourself as Tems’ soap case and just swallow the soap. 

    Appear to her in a dream 

    Sync your sleep with Tems’, so you can move from your dream to hers. When you get there, tell her how you’ve come from many dreams ago just to tell her to give you her soap.

    Tell her you had a dream

    If you can’t enter her own dream, you can have yours. Tell her something revealed to you that she has to give you the soap she’s using or else crazy things will truly start happening.

    RELATED: QUIZ: If You Fail This Simple Tems’ Quiz You Have Poor Music Taste

    Pay her for the soap

    It’s not like you have Temilade money, but you can try. 

    Trade by barter

    Offer her fuel and new naira notes. If she doesn’t collect, you can give us. We’ll help you beg her. 

    Beg

    Humble yourself and calmly ask for the soap. The highest she can say is no. Well, actually, the highest she can get you arrested, but prison can be a positive thing. 

    RELATED: 8 Upcoming Albums That’ll make 2023 Bang Like Today’s Bread

    Tell Beyoncé to help you ask her

    Since Tems might not give you directly, maybe you can go through her friend, Beyoncé. How you’ll do that one is really not our problem, but good luck.

    Carry signboard the next time she’s performing

    Pay for a front-row ticket to her next performance, and carry a signboard asking for the soap. She just might give you because she’s in high-performing spirits. 

    Become her pet

    Your village people who turn into cats have been preparing you for this moment. The moment you transform into her favourite animal, just stay in front of her house. Trust us. 

    RELATED: 10 Times Tems Reminded Us She’s That Girl

  • Africa’s Pay-TV Wars: The Fight for Viewers

    Aggressive production of local content, lower subscription rates, all to increase African pay-TV viewer numbers in a competitive market.

    by Conrad Onyango, Bird Story Agency

    Africa’s pay television industry is projected to add 16 million new viewers over the next five years as top players step up the battle for compelling and affordable local content.

    Between 2022 and 2028, the continent’s pay-TV subscribers are projected to rise by 38% to 57 million, according to a new report by research firm, Digital TV research. Revenue growth, however, will be much lower.

    Pay-TV revenues on the continent are forecast to reach US$6.44 billion by 2028, up by 29 per cent from US$4.99 billion in 2022, signalling that consumers are likely to benefit from falling monthly subscription rates.

    South African Pan-African pay-TV giant MultiChoice (with 21 million viewers), China’s StarTimes (19 million) and France’s Canal+ (11 million) account for 89 per cent of all Africa’s pay-TV subscribers and are tipped to lead the fight for viewer numbers.

    The market is also unlikely to see any new major entries.

    “No new major players will start. Instead, these three operators will battle for supremacy – often by cutting prices,” said Principal Analyst at Digital TV Research, Simon Murray.

    MultiChoice, in half-year results released November 2022, showed that its linear pay-TV subscriber base – measured on a 90-day active basis – rose by 1.0m (5%) to reach 22.1m viewers on the back of aggressive investment in local content production.

    In 2022, the operator added two local channels and increased annual hours of local content in its library by 15 per cent to 73,000 hours. MultiChoice’s new local offering includes a new season of Big Brother Naija in Nigeria and two co-productions (Blood Psalms and Girl, Taken) in South Africa, with more in the pipeline.

    “The group is currently producing the epic original drama series, Shaka Ilembe, which will be broadcast during 2023 and is already receiving significant international interest,” said MultiChoice in a statement.

    Last year it also rolled out regional adaptations of popular telenovelas. For example, 1Magic’s The River was adapted for Kenya (as Kina) and Angola (O Rio). It said another seven local productions are in the pipeline.

    In South Africa, MultiChoice has 9.1 million subscribers, with the rest of Africa sharing the remaining 13 million viewers.

    StarTimes has also pushed local programming, with a commitment to collaborate with local content owners and producers across the continent, focusing mostly on the Kenya and Nigeria markets.

    In December, it launched a 100-episode drama series, KIU, on its local content channel Rembo TV. Rembo, with a footprint that covers Kenya, Tanzania and Uganda, has a language policy requiring 60% of content to be in Kiswahili, 30% in English and 10% in vernacular languages.

    “It is our commitment to continue supporting Kenya’s creative industry through commissioning more original productions as we seek to enrich our subscriber’s television viewing experience,” said StarTimes Chief Executive Officer Hanson Wang.

    KIU production adds to StarTimes’ growing array of exclusive local content production and is advertised as featuring Kenya’s top casts, directors and scripts. Other exclusive programmes launched by StarTimes in 2022 include Kupatana and NIA.

    The Canal+ strategy to boost local content has been through aggressive acquisition of major local film production studios and co-production agreements – or raising ownership stakes, including with its closest rival, MultiChoice.

    In August 2022, Canal+ completed the acquisition of Rwanda’s first digital streaming platform, ZACU TV, culminating in the launch of a channel that airs 100% Kinyarwanda content. The French operator also bought out Nigeria’s most famous Nollywood movies producer Rok Studios, in 2019 and, from 2020, has been upping its shares at MultiChoice in tranches-growing it to a current 26%.

    Industry analysts reckon operators will prioritise innovative ways of meeting dynamic viewer demands – simplicity, flexibility, customization, and convenience – to attract more eyeballs.

    Secretary General of the Consumer Federation of Kenya, Stephen Mutoro, told bird in an interview that content, ease of access and affordability would drive more subscriptions.

    “Competition would be welcome. Its not really competitive now. But content is king. MultiChoice enjoys the edge on exclusive popular content like EPL football. But then there are other consumers who enjoy non-football content offered by StarTimes and others,” said Mutoro.

    These sentiments are also shared by analysts at Oxford Economics and Accenture in their joint survey covering Africa, which highlights local programming as a key differentiator in the industry across the globe.

    “Research from Oxford Economics and Accenture finds that consumers value personalization and simplicity in their media experiences – and companies that innovate along these lines should emerge as winners,” said Oxford Economics Senior Research Manager, Thought Leadership, Sundus Alfi.

    Pay-TV providers are not the only pan-Africa operators following these guidelines, however. Nascent video streaming services on the continent are tightening the competition for subscriber viewer numbers.

    Dataxis, a global business intelligence and media company, projects that Africa’s video streaming market will have more than 15 million subscribers by 2026.

    As in pay-TV, MultiChoice-run Showmax commands the largest number of African subscribers, at close to 2 million, followed closely by international player Netflix, with 1.5 million users. These players, too, are investing significantly in local content production.

    The resulting stiff competition is expected to enhance the quality and exclusivity of content as well as tariff structures, to the benefit of viewers – with Mutoro singling out pay-TV players as having the upper edge on both access and reliability, over streaming counterparts.

    “Pay-TV platforms use gadgets with reliable power supply. Streaming use narrow screens, such as phones, that are susceptible to running out of power. In the peri-urban and rural areas, access to streaming is impossible, over unreliable and expensive data bundles,” Mutoro explained.

  • Be a Vacuum. Air People This Valentine

    Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Everybody and their daddy will want to bask in the spirit of love and try to share their me and mines energy with you… a single pringle. 

    Let’s show you how to ignore the love in the air and the cupid ninjas 

    Fight everybody

    You have one week to channel your inner Patience Ozokwor and show everybody serious wickedness so they can clear from your front before saxophonists’ day arrives.

    Wear cele uniform and post a picture near the water

    Or just join the church. It doesn’t matter. As long as everyone thinks you see visions and commune with Angel Uriel, you’re good to go.

    Hide in your father’s house

    Bonus points if your daddy has a dog. If that annoying ex tries to make plans with you, invite them to your daddy’s house and let nature take it’s course.  

    Hide from your mother

    While in your father’s house, hide from your mother. She won’t ask you where your partner is, but she will point out your age and ask about marriage.

    Change your network provider

    Any of them would work at this point, but just so this works perfectly, subscribe to the green network for a day, and become completely unavailable.

    Take Panadol Night

    Take the day off work, put your phone on, do not disturb and sleep through everything.

    Do it with your chest

    They say you should face things head-on. If your sneaky link or that ex that won’t stop disturbing you sends you a message, turn on your read receipt, open the message and ignore it.

    Don’t let anybody stress you and your single status on this completely random day. Put yourself first and dodge all the people doing couple goals and share their love with you.

  • What Nigerian Banks Should Do Since Banking Isn’t Their Calling

    From having no money in ATMs, to failed transactions and double debits, we think the banking sector in Nigeria should just close up. They’ve had a good run. But to avoid a rise in unemployment, the banks should consider these other business paths. 

    Apartment complexes 

    Nigeria has a housing crisis so they should be useful and turn their buildings into apartment complexes. With the amount of branches in several locations, these banks have the power to solve the housing problem for good. 

    Selling akara 

    Sources reaching us is that the akara business is very lucrative. If banks don’t want to be useful, they can at least provide nourishment to people. Let them shame the enemies that say they’re completely useless.

    RELATED: 10 Places to Make Over 30k Per Day Selling Akara 

    Loan sharks 

    Since they take forever to reverse transactions and unlawful debits, they should learn what it’s like to pursue someone that’s owing them money. 

    Fashion houses 

    With all the things tailors and fashion designers have put Nigerians through, the banks should feel right at home. They can move from giving us one shege to another less important shege.  

    RELATED: 8 Things We Secretly Wish Nigerian Banks Will Do

    Event venues  

    Some banks forgot people don’t care for aesthetics when it comes to their money. Their buildings are so spacious and bright, it’s like they didn’t know what they line of business they were in. But with all the weddings happening every other day, they’ll cash out. 

    Community centres

    We don’t have a lot of community centres where children and young people can just hang out, pick up new skills and make friends. Imagine if the banks became community centres? 

    Restaurants 

    Nigerians will never get tired of restaurants. There can be 15 on a street, and they’ll all be booked and busy. If all the banks in Nigeria became restaurants, they won’t lack customers. 

    Internet service providers 

    Maybe if the two combine their rubbish behaviour, we can get one decent product out of them. Plus, internet service providers do a bit better and are harder to do with out. 

    RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain” 

  • Creator Spotlight: Tega Ethan on Why Music Should Be Free

    My name is Tega. I’m a musician who recently starred in the Netflix drama, All Na Vibes. I moved to Ibadan when I was nine. I moved around a lot because my parents were clergy people. And yes, I turned out the way you’d expect a pastor’s kid to: free, happy and living with nature. I like eating, playing games and watching squirrels walk around.

    Mobolaji Johnson 2022

    When did you start making music?

    I started early. As a kid, I used to make choruses for my brother for fun. I was a big fan of Eminem and used to rap all his lyrics, even the ones I couldn’t hear. Back then, the only way to get lyrics was to wait ten minutes for the A-Z lyrics to load, or you listen, pause and write down each line on paper. The second process subconsciously helped me understand the way lyrics are put together, the syntax of a song. 

    Down the line, I tried to be a petroleum engineer then a computer scientist because I wanted to make money. You know you just want to make money when you’re a kid.

    Isn’t Nigeria just catching up on the money-making side of computer science?

    Yeah, that’s the cool thing. I got in early. I really liked computers and programming. At 15, I’d already imagined having my own tech company. I had this book where I drew and designed the uniforms my company staff would wear. I was also a big fan of Steve Jobs. 

    But then?

    You know music. It comes out and tells you to say goodbye to all your other dreams. I started singing covers and posting on social media when I was in secondary school. Then I quit university in 2017. I was 17 and attending Federal University of Petroleum Resources, Delta State. I only stayed there two weeks before I left for Ibadan to stay with my brother who was at the UI, studying theatre and performing arts. I applied there and got admitted, but I didn’t accept the admission because I wanted to focus on music. 

    It was around that time I got a gig to play at Freedom Park, Lagos. Someone had gone through my Instagram and loved my covers. I was 18. It made me realise I really wanted to make a name for myself doing music on the road like the artists I admired. Fun fact: the road is bad; it’s full of traffic and potholes. 

    What did you do while you were at UI though?

    I started performing. I even busked in public places for voluntary donations. People gathered, and some said I sounded so well. My best experience was playing my guitar somewhere around the student union building, when an old lady, one of the cooks, came out and was like, “I thought it was the radio.” 

    Were your parents okay with you quitting school?

    When I quit the first time, it was to enrol in UI, so my parents were kinda cool with it. When I didn’t end up attending UI, it was strange because I thought they’d say no. In fact, I was willing to fight them. I already had my speech planned. But they just asked, “Is that what you want to do?” I said yes. They said, ok. I was a bit pissed by their response. It was almost like they didn’t give a fuck.

    Now, I’m doing a music diploma, a songwriting thing in London. I’ll be back in Nigeria in September and probably get more juicy gigs.

    In All Na Vibes, your character said he didn’t want to make dance music, but music his parents would be proud of. Can you relate to that?

    Oh, that was just the director and the producer. It felt weird when they brought up that line because I don’t actually care about that. But I made it sound convincing. 

    Since you started making music full time, what has the journey been like?

    It’s been insane. It started with that gig in Lagos. Mind you, I wasn’t even paid for it. I was young, so I didn’t really care. I thought it was just one of many, and that others would pay. But the industry doesn’t work that way. If you keep dishing out free gigs, you’ll keep getting free gigs. The older I got, the more I started to feel insane like I was wasting my time. The industry is fraught with people who want to take advantage of you, trying to get you to sign shitty contracts. I never did sign anything. I even got into a big fight with a guy who wanted to be my manager. I went from a scared, stressed-out kid to realising the industry is hectic, but it’s business. 

    But I did many things on the way, like starting a doughnut business with my brother in 2019. Before Krispy Kreme came to Nigeria, we attempted something like It in Ibadan, which I’m very proud of. I left the business because my music started doing fine.

    Sounds like the industry showed you shege

    There were moments when I felt like I’m almost there, I’m about to blow, like when I opened for Johnny Drille in 2019. That was the biggest crowd I’d ever played for. I thought all the hard work was just about to pay off, but the moment passed. That was when I understood I needed to have a plan and just stick to it, not caring when the big break would come but just enjoying the process. 

    I’m building something, and everything I do adds to the things I’ve already done. I’ve also since realised people love sincerity. People like to feel seen and heard when they listen to music, which is what I’ve been trying to do with mine. You’re telling people stories, so the least you can do is tell people what matters.

    What does “blowing” mean to you?

    I used to say I wanted to be famous, but now, I don’t even know. What a lot of artists struggle with when they become famous is maintaining a connection with fans on a personal level. Even a little fame would make you unable to respond to most of the feedback you get from fans. For me, blowing up is a long-run thing. It’s not about making one viral song. It’s about building something that inspires and outlives you, a legacy. 

    How did you go from putting all your eggs in your music career to being the lead character in All Na Vibes?

    It was random. Remember I mentioned my brother studied theatre arts? He started a theatre group with a vision to change the industry. I cameoed as a random musician in one of the group director’s movies in Ibadan. He called me later, during COVID, and asked if I’d like to be in a movie. I wasn’t doing anything besides learning to produce music, so I said, let’s do this. I thought it’d just be a Youtube thing. I really don’t know what gave them the idea that I’d be good, but they trusted me with their project. Now, I’m a Netflix actor. 

    Will you continue acting, or is it a one-time thing?

    I can’t really say. I’m not sure. I’m so nervous that I haven’t even seen All Na Vibes. I tried to watch the movie the night it came out, but as soon as I saw my face, I shut down the computer. First of all, I go very hard on myself, which I think I need to do less because, you know, everyone is allowed to grow. There’s that, and there’s the thing about other actors confirming that they also feel uncomfortable watching themselves in movies.

    How alike are you and Abiola, the character you played?

    He believes in a lot of conspiracy theories, and I wouldn’t say I believe them too, but I like asking many questions. You’ll find me in a wormhole of books, Wikipedia pages and Youtube, researching one topic because I want to know the truth. We’re quite alike in a lot of other things. We both make music. We’re chill people. He doesn’t have my charm, but he’s calmer. We’re different creatures at the core.

    In the spirit of talking about conspiracies, do you have a super controversial take on music?

    I feel like music you can download and play on your phone could and should be free. People should pay if they want to, but it should be available at zero cost. Many of the songs that inspired me when I was a kid, I don’t remember how I got them. They came to my phone by the power of the almighty. People shouldn’t be denied the chance to listen to music because they can’t pay for it. Digital music should be free. 

    Then how would you get paid as a musician? 

    You perform. There are a lot of other ways to make money from your music. If you go to my website, all my songs are there and downloadable for free. It’s how it’s always going to be unless I get signed to a label that controls everything, which I don’t want to do. Music should be free.

    Mobolaji Johnson 2022

    Interesting. Who do you make music for?

    I write for people who are going through it, people who sometimes sit down to evaluate their life then feel grateful or pissed off about it. Basically, people who are aware of their humanity. 

    When I’m going through something, I make music to explain myself to myself. The emotions get so heavy that the only way to get them off my chest would be to write about them. For some people, when they feel something, they go punch a wall. For me, I just write, even if I never release the music. I might eventually make money from it, and people may feel so connected that they’d be willing to pay for it, but in the beginning, I write to explain myself.

    Do you have a favourite song you’ve written?

    I have many. But one of my favourites is To Be Missed, a song I did for All Na Vibes. The whole concept is me realising in 2018 or 2019 that we’re all designed to want to be remembered, especially when we’re not in a place anymore. It’s okay to feel a bit lost, or like someone who wanted you before doesn’t anymore. It’s human nature to feel that way.

    It sounds like a heartbreak song. How many have you written when you were heartbroken?

    Between 2018 and 2020, almost all the songs I wrote were about heartbreak, and I wrote many good songs then. Most musicians would agree that some of the best songs have come from heartbreak. 

    What are your fave heartbreak songs you didn’t write?

    Sunburn by Ed Sheeran. I wish I was the one who wrote it. I likeLast Last. That’s a proper sad song. And you can make it even sadder if you sing it acoustically. But it’s a vibe. You know Nigerians will always make it a vibe, even if it’s sad.

    Who or what influences your music?

    Two of my biggest influences are Ed Sheeran and Passenger. But in recent times, it’s been places. The more time I spend in Ibadan, the more I fall in love with the place. I interact with it in a way that it starts to feel like a person and begins to inspire me. Nigeria inspired me to make angry songs like Gossip, from my old EP.

    What does it feel like performing on stage to an audience holding on to every word? 

    No matter how many times it happens — though it doesn’t happen many times — it makes me feel like the world should just end. It’s just so consuming, it kind of makes you feel small. Or maybe it’s just me wanting to feel small in that moment. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s beautiful. I just want to embrace the moment and live in it in a way that’s not intrusive, and I can’t get too used to it so that it continues to feel special every time.

    What’s the least or most you’ve been paid, whether in music or acting? 

    Today’s prices are not really like 2022’s. Last year it was in six digits. And I may not play in any show until September, when I’m back in Nigeria.

    How fulfilled do you feel?

    Very fulfilled. I’ve learnt to abide in everything I do, however great or small. I used to compare myself with others, but I have learnt that it doesn’t matter. Right now, I feel very fulfilled, doing exactly what I want and how I want it. I write and perform music, get paid for it, and I have songs people listen to. My 16-year-old self would be mindblown. I think that’s enough fulfilment for me.

    What sort of legacy do you want to create?

    Make albums of the highest quality. Do concept projects. I have onee coming out that I’ve been working on for a long time now. It’ll be out when I return to Nigeria. I don’t want it to be a collection of random stuff. There are stories behind it, and everything just works together to create this really cool, sweetcake album. 

    I also want to work on the performance scene in Lagos and Ibadan. One of my dreams is to have it more structured and easier for artists coming after me to find places to perform. Right now, I’m focused on putting out quality projects and collaborating with artists. When I return, I want to work with more people even outside my space. 

    Which Nigerian artists would you like to work with?

    Lagbaja. Asa — she’s been at the top of my list since I was a kid. 2Baba, interestingly. His music isn’t the same again, but I plan to tap into 2Face of the 2000s. I want to work with Obongjayar too. 

    What are the struggles you face as an artist?

    Making music regularly while always being online. It’s a lot to juggle as an artist.

    What are you currently working on?

    An EP, which will be out soon. Expect a minimum of four songs.

    Mobolaji Johnson 2022

  • 10 Surefire Ways to Be Mysterious 

    The only thing that comes out of being predictable is see-finish. This is your sign to start doing things that’ll shock people, and these ten things are a good place to start. 

    Throw your phone away 

    How can you be mysterious when you go on social media to tweet or post pictures? 

    Wear your clothes backwards 

    People might call you weird or think you’re strange, but that’s part of the mystery. 

    Speak in riddles

    If you don’t know any riddles, you can make up words. Just channel your inner Chiwetalu Agu. 

    Them: Where are you going? 

    You: Ekwensu eh romance mamiwater.

    Run

    Whenever you’re walking with someone, break into a sprint and leave them guessing. 

    Never use your real name

    David where? Better look for a name in a language nobody has heard before. And make sure you change it every month. 

    Be unavailable 

    Go offline, stay indoors, leave your employer guessing then show up on the fifth day and blame it on your alter ego. You may lose your job, but at least, you’ll have more time to be mysterious.

    Sleep with your eyes open 

    If you really want to leave people guessing, make sure you’re lying face up. Are you asleep? Are you awake? Are you a cultist? No one knows.

    Challenge people to staring contests 

    Walk up to random people and say nothing. Just open your eyes wide and stare at them. Even if they ask you questions, don’t answer. They’ll either fight you or run away. Either way, mystery wins. 

    Get a scar

    How you want to get this is entirely left to you, TBH. Just make sure it’s somewhere people can see and ask about it.

    Ask all the questions

    Whenever someone asks you a question, eye them and walk away. We’re not sure how you’ll do your next job interview sha.


    Test yourself: Score 12/16 on This Quiz to Prove You’re Mysterious 

  • Everything That Goes Down in a Christian Couples WhatsApp Group

    If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in a Christian couples group chat, wonder no more. I’m only too happy to share. As the only member of the married geng at Zikoko, this was bound to happen sooner or later.

    These are eight things you’ll typically find in these group chats.

    Stories, many stories

    I don’t know who’s in charge of making up stories about other people’s relationships to use as case studies on these groups, but I have to say, they’re very creative. Of course, the stories are either forwarded or end with “copied”.

    Relationship advice

    It wouldn’t be a Christian couples group if someone didn’t send unsolicited advice — even confusing ones.

    Forwarded videos

    In case you didn’t take the time to read the stories and relationship advice, you might as well finish your data on the videos that say the exact same thing.

    The occasional shade throwing

    How do you acknowledge the sometimes problematic nature of the other gender in a somewhat respectful, church-approved way? You throw shade.

    BCs from all walks of life

    Did you think it’s only marriage matters they’d talk about there? LOL. And there I was thinking my Nigerian mother sends too many unrelated broadcast messages.

    Wedding anniversaries and birthdays

    I can’t share screenshots for obvious reasons, but best believe there’s someone celebrating something every other day.

    Daily prayers

    Because the devil walks around like a roaring lion, and prayer is needed to keep him at bay. And with how Nigeria is going, if there’s any time we need God’s intervention, it’s now. 

    Sweet gist

    I can’t even lie. The group chat is almost always popping with gist and funny Q/A sessions. Because if there’s one thing married people love, it’s gist. 


    NEXT READ: How to Find a Family That’ll Pay You to Break Up With Their Child