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Nigerians are undeniably special, and one of my favorite things about being one, is that innate way with words we all seem to have.
Everything we say almost always seems to be laced with sarcasm and casual wit. Sometimes it’s not even intentional.
So, here is a list of a couple of my favorite ‘Nigerianisms’:
THE PHRASES
1. My Friend
Usually used when a Nigerian is at their least friendly, either to caution or lure you into a stern warning.
Example: “Daddy, could I please get some money?”
“After that result you brought home? My friend, will you get out of here.”
2. They said
The thing is no one really knows who ‘They’ is, but it is the go-to pronoun for the Nigerian who doesn’t see the need to be specific.
Example: “They said you just finally got engaged, thank God, we were getting worried.”
3. Are you okay?
Do not confuse this with the ‘Are you okay?’ that typically shows concern. They are basically asking you why you are so stupid.
Example: “You borrowed my shirt and put it up on IG, are you okay?”
4. Good for you
This is Nigerian for ‘I told you so.’ Not to be confused with the ‘Good for you’ that typically means congratulations.
Example: “Didn’t I tell you not to date Yoruba men, you’re now here crying stupid tears. Well, it’s good for you.”
5. See finish
This is Nigerian for ‘familiarity breeds contempt.’ Usually used when a Nigerian gets disrespected by someone they consider to be beneath them.
Example: “Did you hear how Amaka spoke to me? I don’t blame her, na see finish cause am.”
6. From where to where?
This is Nigerian for ‘How?’ used when the word isn’t suitable enough to convey the contempt and/or sarcasm in your voice.
Example: “I think I saw Ada with a Prada bag”
“That one? From where to where?”
7. Chanced
When someone takes your spot or cuts in front of you.
Example: “See as you just chanced everybody, we that we are on the line do we have two heads?”
8. Two heads
This is a double edged Nigerian term typically laced with heavy sarcasm, it could be used to mean superior (like the example below) or stupid (like the example above).
Example: “Jolade that came first, does she have two heads?”
9. Bad Belle
This is a Nigerian term for the jealous. Whether it be constructive or not, any criticism you offer a Nigerian will probably be met with this tag.
Example: “I don’t think you should continue sleeping with that married man.”
“Bad belle. It’s because you haven’t seen your own.”
10. Come and be going
This is really just ‘leave’ but with a bit more flare. You know Nigerians never do (or in this case, say) anything half-arsed.
Example: “It’s getting late, oya come and be going.”
THE DOUBLES
These are terms that have the main word repeated for no particular reason.
11. Waka Waka
Someone who Nigerians have deemed incapable of staying in one place.
12. Bear Bear
This is Nigerian for beard. Please, don’t ask.
13. Follow Follow
This is Nigerian for ‘Yes Man.’ Someone who is easily swayed by a popular opinion.
14. Beggy Beggy
Used when you ask for something the owner has no intention of giving you. Usually targeted at kids.
15. Looku Looku
This is Nigerian for ‘Take a picture, it will last longer’ used for people that won’t stop staring.
THE VERSATILE
These are Nigerian terms that can mean a ton of things depending on the user’s inflection and hand gestures.
16. Asin
‘I don’t understand.’
‘How?’
‘Exactly.’
17. Ehen
‘Continue.’
‘And so?’
‘Oh, I get it.’
If we missed any of your favorite Nigerianisms, please sound off in the comments.
You could call Celine Dion the queen of love songs and you wouldn’t be wrong. Each of her song is perfect for whatever you happen to be feeling, in whatever stage in your relationship.
Looking for Celine Dion songs that says “I love you” this Valentine? Then here you are.
1. When you finally meet the one.
2. For when your heart will love someone to eternity.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHG2oizTlpY
3. When you need to be reminded of the power of love.
4. To show that you appreciate your better half.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypgVc9cC-Jc
5. When the person you love is still in doubt.
6. When you go the extra distance for him or her.
7. When you need to be reminded not to give up on love.
Driving in the streets of an urban area, with a ton of traffic regulation officers could be really tricky. If you have ever had to drive without the necessary documents/papers these are things you would understand.
1. When you are about to leave and you have to whisper a prayer
Father, please don’t let them stop me.
2. Driving slowly and looking around for anything in uniform
I have to be sober and be vigilant. Can’t be used as festive season money.
3. When their cars are trying to cut in front of you
Ah, please carry your wahala and go free. Infact, take the whole road.
4. When you are speeding and spot a LASTMA car on the side of the road
*heart skips several beats* Please God.
5. But you realize they aren’t even looking your way.
I serve a living God! Can’t tell me nothing.
6. When you get to a part of the road where there are bumps
This is a trap. I feel it coming. They are around the corner.
7. And you see a roadblock ahead with LASTMA or FRSC uniforms
It’s all over. This is the end.
8. And remember it is almost a festive season
What did I do to deserve this?
9. So you start getting your lies and stories ready
I have to get out of this, one way or the other.
10. And packaging your “happy holiday” with fervent prayers
If my hospital emergency lie doesn’t work these new N1000 notes will.
11. And they tell you to park like you’re a wanted criminal
Ahan calm down sir. It’s just insurance, C-Caution, fire extinguisher, tint permit, registration and plate number I don’t have.
12. But you get there and they only ask you “how weekend?”
PRAISE GOD!
13. So you have to drop something and run away fast
Chairman, abeg enjoy your weekend with this small change.
Don’t you just hate it when people in relationships make everything look all cute and mushy? Singletons on Twitter have described how the single life is treating them, in 3 words.
It’s that season again! The season of red flowers, love and lots of gifts.
Valentine’s day is here but we’re not here for the lovers. This post was written for those of you who will be alone on Valentine’s day. Thank us later.
1. Outkast – Roses Smell Like Poo
Because, you aren’t getting any roses. Need we say more?
2. Sia – Elastic Heart
You should listen to this song first thing in the morning of Valentine’s day to feel empowered and ready to conquer the day.
3. Big Sean – IDFWU
This song is just right especially if you couldn’t care less about the whole idea of Valentine’s day.
4. Chris Brown – Deuces
Listening to this song will make you throw away all the care you have in the world.
Disclaimer: We didn’t ask you to throw your home training away while at it.
5. P!nk – So What
Let out your inner rock star with this song.
6. Beyonce – Best Thing I Never Had
You may have resolved to not celebrate Valentine’s day after this year, this song will help you strengthen your resolve even more.
7. Chris Brown – Zero
This song will put you in that groovy mood you need to get through the day.
8. Justin Bieber- Where Are You Now?
When you think of the person you thought would spend Valentine’s day with you, you should listen to this number.
9. Justin Bieber- Love Yourself
Perhaps you get that “I miss you” text from an ex, play this song on and turn it up to the loudest volume.
10. JoJo – Leave Get Out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY
This is another perfect jam when you remember that ex you hate so much.
11. Ciara – I Bet
You might probably need to relax and chill. Listen to this and soothe your nerves.
12. Jhene Aiko – The Worst
For when your ex was literally the worst
13. Taylor Swift – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
And when you decide to never go down that lane ever again.
14. Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone
This is a perfect karaoke song, put yourself in a good mood with this.
15. Drake – Marvin’s Room
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwyjxsOYnys
Yo might feel like calling all the people that curved you when you tried to shoot your Valentine’s day shot. This evergreen song will set you in that mood.
16. Kanye West – Heartless
For all the wicked people that left you all by yourself on such a day.
17. Adele – Someone Like You
You might just be missing someone else’s bae during Valentine’s day or you just feel lonely.
18. Neyo – So Sick
When tweets and songs about love start to make you literally feel like vomiting, this song serves as the perfect rant.
19. P Square – Omoge Mi
Are you alone because you got dumped just before Valentine’s day? You might want to get into your feelings with this number by P square.
20. Akon – Lonely
You thought we wouldn’t leave something to remind you that you’re alone?
21. Eric Carmen – All By Myself
When the loneliness starts to sink in, listen to this song and cry yourself to sleep.
Well, at this point jogging on the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge seems to be less about keeping fit, and more about everything else.
From finding bae to lightly stalking hotties, these are 15 pictures that are too real for people who jog on that bridge:
1. When you jogged on the bridge for the first time.
Where has this bridge been all my life?
2. When you decided to only go jogging when it’s dark, so you don’t embarrass your family.
Don’t look at me.
3. When you’ve only gone halfway, but everything already hurts.
Hay God! Who sent me message?
4. When everyone’s gym clothes are better than your regular clothes.
Is there a photoshoot after, abi what?
5. When you see someone jogging in full wedding makeup.
We know your type.
6. When you start getting tired but you see a hottie approaching.
Not today, pain.
7. When you memorize the time you came out so you can run into that hottie again.
No, I’m not a stalker. This is what BellaNaija stories are made of.
8. When you’ve been jogging for months, but still haven’t found love.
Am I doing the bridge wrong?
9. When you can feel everyone judging you for taking a walk-break.
Face your front, please.
10. When you see someone jogging effortlessly.
Ode, go and do Olympics na.
11. When you see a fellow struggler.
Better person, don’t mind those ones.
12, When you see an entire family jogging together.
God, please pick my call.
13. When you just wanted a quiet jog, but everybody came out.
Go home and be fat, please.
14. When you get a muscle pull but you see your bridge-crush approaching.
Not today, Satan.
15. When you see joggers taking pictures.
You don’t even know why you’re here.
See, if you’ve never gone jogging on that bridge, you really should. It is certainly an experience.
South African Trevor Noah is the current host of The Daily Show on Comedy Central. But apart from that, he’s a seasoned television and radio host, actor and standup comedian.
These are the times he had us in stitches at his different shows.
1. When he talked about his trip to Melbourne, Australia.
2. When he imitated the voices of different airport ticket agents around the world.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xiqwkx4oujo
3. When he compared South Africa’s national rugby and soccer teams.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAlrmCfY2Zw
4. When he shared his experience travelling during the Ebola crisis.
5. When he talked about traffic lights.
6. When he relates his customer service experience with a cashier.
This weekend my cousin invited me to her place for drinks. I anticipated nothing more than a night of heavy drinking (punctuated by an increasing number of slurred proclamations starting with the words “in life…”), followed by a morning of deep regret.However, before I could get to my second drink and un-buckle my “drinking jeans”, the loud engine of a work-van parking in the guest-house garage brought my attention to the finest product of South Africa I’d ever laid my eyes on. My jaw dropped (but not my drink…never my drink) as I watched a man so gorgeous that his muddy jeans and rolled up sleeves looked like they’d accompanied him straight out of a 1970’s romance novel titled “[the afrikaans version of] The year Hans, the tractor-mechanic re-awakened my desires” (or something), walk out of the van. His piercing eyes and confusingly arousing uni-brow shot sparks through my body and I immediately decided to seduce this man even if it meant my advances would have to be lubricated by the tears of my ancestors.And in true form I found a way to muddle up the whole thing. In fact, when in the heat of the moment my words act as my enemy. I know this because not too long after I opened my mouth all the young man’s attempts to put his mud-caked hands on my nubile thighs while he recounted tales that illustrated his very heroic non-racism (is that a white mating ritual?) came to a loud halt.So for the black girls out there that are suffering from a particularly relentless bout of Dutch-fever, I present to you the 5 questions I said that ruined my first (and probably last) attempt to seduce an Afrikaner man.
1. “So you’re Afrikaner, right? Do your parents have a farm?”
To this I got a puzzled look that may have illustrated two things: my obvious ignorance and the fellow’s own obvious slow recovery from the concussion he told me got in his high school rugby days. Eventually he laughed “no.”
2. “Your drunk stories are so funny! What’s the weirdest thing you and your matric friends did when you were drunk? Did you guys ever get really drunk off klipdrift and do something crazy like steal a black village’s land?”
3. “You strike me as a family man…so tell me: if you had to choose between saving a black family and saving your favorite dog from a fire, what therapist would you take your dog to, to help it recover from the trauma of its near-death experience?”
4. “How many of your ancestors would vomit if you hooked up with me?”
5. “What’s Afrikaans for “I want to make love to you so passionately that every ancestor I’ve ever had places a 200-year-long curse on our mixed-race offspring?”
After the last statement the space between us grew exponentially throughout the evening so that by the end I was shouting drunken poetry at the wall of his house while he presumably slept off the last of any “jungle-fever” he had ever had.I suppose I’d better shove away any dreams I ever had of spending my life on a big farm and being perpetually mistaken for the maid by “well-meaning” relatives.
Written by Zikoko contributor, Siyanda Writes
Have you ever attended an owambe and felt you did not enjoy it? You probably did a couple things wrong! But don’t worry we made a list on how to boss an owambe properly and thank us later.
1. Pick your outfit two months before
You sure do not want to have to do this too late. Picking the right outfit for an owambe is a vital key. This is where you choose to go with either the aso ebi or go neutral.
2. Get your Aso-ebi and give your tailor two months before
Another synonym for undependable is nigerian tailors. Give them two months in advance and pay for express. You sure don’t want to be the odd one out on that day when everyone is dressed in the “uniform”. Don’t be the different person.
3. Make sure you arrive slightly late
Relax on your punctuality standards for this day. You want to arrive roughly sixty minutes after the event has started. Everyone has to see you make an entrance with your squad.
4. Get the attention of the praise singers
You know those talking drummers outside? Give them about N500 and make them drum behind you till you get to the entrance. What a grand entry. Now you’ve been noticed by the guests, servers and maybe celebrant.
5. Never forget your IV
You get to the entrance. Never leave your IV at home. If it’s a strictly by IV owambe you will want to put it inside your cap or your handbag two days before. What’s the point of it all if you can’t get in?
6. Choose a seat close to the middle
Research shows that, the servers are always instructed to start serving from the middle. Why? Because that is where the closest relatives are seated close to the podium and celebrant. You get served among the first people with the best food and drinks.
7. Tip one of the waiters
Once you spot a waiter that is “shining eyes”, tip one of them and this will guarantee a constant flow of food, drinks and anything that is served during the event. Everyone has a price.
8. Ensure people see you greeting the celebrant/main focus
You sure do want to appear in the official photos, and let everyone know you didn’t beg for an invite or force your way in. Make sure people see you laughing with the celebrant(s). More cool points added or photo for an Instagram post.
9. Never take malted drinks first
Number one rule: never do this. You drink a malted or carbonated drink and you get filled up with gas. It’s the caterers trick so you don’t eat too much. Drink water instead save enough space for the food.
10. Don’t take photos of your food please
Please, don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t go looking like a nuisance raising your phone to take a food photo at a party. It drops a huge chunk in cool points. Is it your first time, eh?
11. Don’t sit down when its time to dance
This is one of the fun parts at an owambe. When the Dj starts dropping those fire tunes, make sure you bring your shoki, shakiti and favorite dance steps from wherever and drop them. Tip: Have a few drinks first for maximum fun.
12. Never leave early
It is standard, the party really does start at the time when it says it will end on the IV. That is when the dance floor gets heated, the remaining food gets put out and the best drinks emerge. You don’t want to miss this part for anything!
On February 18, our brothers and sisters in Uganda will vote to choose their new leaders.
In honour of that, let’s take a look at some of the funny posters we’ve come across so far.
1. This really honest-to-a-fault man.
Who can blame him for wanting a share of the national cake?
2. She’s ready to protect her country from alien invaders!
Should we be afraid?
3. This politician begging on his knees.
That must mean that he’s humble. Please give him the position.
4. This woman is ready for business with her big briefcase.
We wonder what is inside.
5. Is Nabukenya Joan afraid to show the world her real face?
Plus she took Rihanna’s picture without permission! She must not be a good politician.
6. This lady is all for the women.
And her name is Desire! See pose! Some might argue that it isn’t very politician-like.
A great option for protecting your hair from breakage while transitioning.
2. Faux locs
Don’t want to be stressed and want to know if you’ll look good with real locs without the commitment? Then try the faux locs. They’re quite easy to install. Just make sure you go to a quality salon to have them done.
3. Jumbo twists
You can have your hair in twists, then tuck them into a neat, simple style.
4. Twistouts
https://www.instagram.com/p/BBh5aK6saRf/
Take down your twists to get these bouncy curls or coils!
5. Braidouts
https://www.instagram.com/p/d-CNyEQ1kt/
During the transitioning phase, Black hair has two different textures, the processed part and the natural part. Braidouts are great for blending your two textures. You can have them in cornrows or do single braids. Leave them in overnight (on damp or dry hair) for the best results. To keep strands from frizzing, protect your braids at night by wearing a silk scarf or bonnet.
6. Afro Wig
https://www.instagram.com/p/BBgxXWfnQSM/
Yes. This right here is a wig. You can purchase it at online or have it custom-made by Ifeyinwa of Nazuri Curls or Esther Otomi of Game of ‘Fros.
This hairstyle is great for days when you want to keep it really simple. A hair band, comb, brush, hair gel and silk or satin scarf will help you achieve this look.
8. Goddess braid
If you’re worried about “work appropriate hair”, this is for you. And it’s fast and easy to do too.
9. Turban
https://www.instagram.com/p/BAgje0_y86L/
In a hurry? Can’t be bothered with styling or just feeling lazy? Just throw on your scarf and go. Watch tutorials here.
10. Bantu knots
This style isn’t for everybody obviously. If you like to make fashion statements, like Ri Ri, then this is for you!
Registration for NYSC 2016 Batch A is now open! If you are planning on joining this batch, then you’ll need to register within the next couple weeks (by February 28th to be exact).
The whole thing can be overwhelming. We’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirts. Literally. You know these NYSC t-shirts?
Anyhow, you’re here because we are going to show you how to register as painlessly as possible. Okay, we can’t promise it will entirely be without pain. But this should make things a lot easier. Here’s our our guide to the NYSC registration process.
0. Super Mega Important Public Service Announcement
Before we start, let’s talk. If you are hoping to get posted to particular states such as Lagos or Abuja, know one thing –
No one gets posted to Lagos or Abuja by accident
If you don’t know you are going to Lagos before the postings even come out, then you’re not serving in Lagos. If you don’t know what we’re talking about, ask one of your older siblings or aunties/uncles who live in Nigeria.
With that out of the way, let’s get on with it.
1. Get your documents ready
These are the things you will need to have handy and get ready before you start registration.
International Passport — data page
International Passport — page showing date of first departure from Nigeria
International Passport — page showing date of return to NigeriaVisa for stay abroad
High School Diploma / IGCSE Certificate
First University Degree Diploma
First University Degree TranscriptPassport-sized photographMeasurements for your clothes (Small, Medium, Large, XLarge)
Scan of your signature
You will also need a valid Nigerian mobile telephone number
2. Create your NYSC account
First, you’ll need to visit the NYSC’s main site.
Warning. There are many NYSC websites, and obviously lots of them are fake. Double check to ensure that you are on the right one. The right URL in your browser should be nysc.org.ng.
Now you are there, look towards the lower right quadrant of your page. Under “quick links”, there is a link to “prospective corps member online registration”.
To create an account, click “Apply for Relocation” under “Registration for Mobilization Batch A, 2016”. Under Registration Options popup, click, “Fresh Registration”. You will be redirected to a page to create your account.
If you want to be able to receive information via SMS and print your call-up letter when it is ready, you will need to make a payment online of N3,000. Although not exactly necessary, we highly recommend it because otherwise, you will have to get your call up letter at camp, and that is one more potential complication you don’t really need.
You will need a Nigerian bank account with online banking to do this.
4. Biometrics
Once you have made your payment, the first thing you will be prompted to do is to upload your biometric data. That page looks like this.
You don’t have to do it right away though. You can skip it till you have completed the main application. It will pop again during application review. Don’t worry, we’ll show you how when you get there.
5. Online Application
The online application process is completed in 5 steps.
Step 1 — Your general/personal information
Step 2 — Your education historyStep 3 — Your documents uploadStep 4— Application review
Here you review your application as well as select the top 3 states you wish to be deployed to. The options you can choose change depending on the choices you make. You cannot pick all three states within the same region. So, for example, if you pick Lagos as your first state, you will not be able to pick any other South-West states. So choose carefully!
Step 5 — Biometrics
The thumbprint registration process requires special hardware, so we advise that you go to a cyber cafe. A cyber cafe in Nigeria.
Here are some cyber cafes you can go to. We’ll continue to update this list with places and cities as we find them –
Lagos
Shop 68B, Falomo Roundabout, Ikoyi (Google Maps)
Thugoth Cafe, 5 Onikoyi street, Aguda, Surulere (07087741199 / Google Maps)
Okikola and Company Cybercafe, 5 Adenuga Street, Babs Animashaun Road, Surulere (09092413778 / Google Maps)
Want to do the biometric upload yourself/from abroad?
If for some reason, you are still stuck abroad and are afraid that time is running short, in theory, you could accomplish this part by yourself. It could be tricky if you aren’t very good around computers. But all you really need to make this work is an $86 fingerprint scanner. As far as we know, the only kind that will work is this type. See this Nairaland thread for instructions. Good luck!
6. After Registration
Important: Once you have submitted your application, you will not be able to edit any information in the application. However, you can still upload/change the documents.
You will receive a text saying that your registration was completed.
If there are any problems with the application or documents, you will receive a text message about that. Once everything is accepted, you will receive your call-up number within a couple of days.
If you have any questions or need more help, send your tweets to @ijgbnetwork. Good luck, and…
On Saturday Beyoncé dropped a new video/song called Formation and literally slayed everyone’s life!!
Beyon-SLAY!
Beyoncé made a massive social and political statement and only featured black people in the video.
Because #BlackLivesMatter, obvs!
But what we really love is the diversity of black women and black hairstyles shown in the video! Here are a few that you should definitely try:
1. The grown woman ‘fro
Beyoncé’s dancers rocked these curly afro wigs so effortlessly! No need to go natural if you don’t want to. Just buy your own curly ‘fro and twirl on them haters.
2. The adorable baby ‘fro
Hay God! Even 4 year old Blue Ivy is slaying with her afro! As Beyonce said in the song .. “I like my baby hair with baby hair and afros”.
3. The thread hairstyle
One of Beyonce’s main dancers gave props to this common African hairstyle. Lagos hipsters, this one’s for you!
4. The crown braid
Just in case you somehow forgot that she is the QUEEN.
5. The double-sided ponytail braid A.K.A cornrows
We dare you not to slay with this hairstyle! Impossible.
6. The micro braids
So. Damn. Beautiful.
7. The messy updo
A.K.A The ‘I woke up like this’ hairstyle. If you have natural curly hair, just shake it a little and go on with your life.
8. The blow out
If you have big natural hair or even a weave, you can rock this hairstyle. All you need is a blow dryer, water and conditioner.
9. The tight bun
Only Beyoncé can make a hair net have so much swag.
Watch the full video for Formation below and go forth and slay with these hairstyles:
Because you just might be a black Bill Gates in the making! ? ?
From running away from Islamiyya to having a completely random Christmas day, these are 11 of the things Nigerian Muslims experienced while growing up.
1. When your parents make you go to Islamiyya (Ile kewu) every other day of the week.
Hay God! All those default knocks and slaps.
2. How the Mallam slaps you when your recitation goes wrong.
Again!!!
3. Pinching and making faces at your friends in the mosque while the older ones pray.
I see you, my guy!
4. Having to fast till 3pm during Ramadan because you were too small to fast till 7.
Yass!
5. When you secretly swallow water when making ablution during Ramadan.
I can’t come and die please.
6. When they say “close your eyes for prayer” in school and you shine your eyes like…
I’m just observing.
7. When people ask for your English name after you told them your Muslim name.
I just told you my name, wyd?
8. When you say “Aamin” instead of Amen and everyone around is like..
What are you saying please?
9. Turning up on Eid day in your hottest baffs with the squad.
What’s an Eid outfit without these coloured sunshades?
10. When you receive Sallah money from your generous uncles.
And you plan how to spend your several 20 naira notes.
11. You, when all your mates are talking about Father Christmas.
Because we are not partial, and we also love the ladies. We decided to make this list with some really great items, for the guys who want to surprise their girlfriends.
1. Makeup
Guys, makeup is really important, if your girl likes it. One way to make her day is to give her a bunch of it. From MAC or Colorpop lipsticks, eye shadow, bronzers, eye liners, concealers etc. If you need assistance you could ask her friends.
2. Items in her shopping cart
This is one foolproof amazing idea. Most times ladies love some items on the internet, and don’t close the tabs of what they want to buy. Go in, and pay for what’s in her shopping cart. You’re welcome.
3. Personalized jewellery
Nothing says I love you, as well as a piece of personalized quality necklace, bracelet, earring, or ring. This along with something else and a beautiful note, will go a long way in making her happy.
4. Natural hair products
If your girlfriend is #teamnatural, you have your job cut out for you. Get her a bunch of natural hair products, bonnets, shea butter, coconut oil, natural conditioners. There are uncountable things to get. Don’t pass up on the opportunity.
5. Gadgets
Some ladies love their gadgets, ipads, apple watches, fitbits and the like. Think about a gadget she has always talked about and choose which to get, according to your budget.
6. Bundles and wigs
Bundles, hair, weave runs everything. Make your girlfriend happy and get her a couple of bundles of good quality weave or a nice wig for days when she hasn’t made her hair and needs to be on fleek. Thank us later.
7. A spa date
Sometimes the economy, traffic, work and every single thing stresses your girlfriend out and she may get really cranky. Get a spa date for both of you. Full body massages, facials, manicure and pedicure, nails and spend some quality time with her all through it. Wining both ways!
8. Shoes
Shoes bro! They have a special place in their hearts. Get her a special pair of shoes she really wants. Tip: If you don’t want to splurge a huge amount on just one pair, split it into three and get her three different shoes, give her at random times during the day. She will thank you later.
9. Take her shopping
This one is pretty overlooked by a lot of guys. Incase you don’t know what to get her, take her shopping, galleria, palms, the mall anywhere you think you can afford. Be smart about it too!
10. Engagement
Oh yeah! We went there. Don’t you think it will be nice to propose to her over dinner on Valentine’s day. That will make it a day to remember. Go get that ring and live happily ever after.
Public service announcement on behalf of the guys: it is time to stop the underwear sets, the white shirts, the polos. It is time to get creative with your gifts. Are you confused on what to get your boyfriend? We made this just in time. Grab a pen and paper.
1. A Timepiece
Truth is you will hardly find a guy that doesn’t own one. A beautiful (original please) watch, will really go a long way in making him happy. (Tip: put a corny joke about time and your relationship e.g. the time is always right with you).
2. Gaming CDs or Consoles
Depending on your budget, either would work. Have you ever heard him talking to his friends about a game CD he wants to get? Yeah, perfect opportunity, go get him that one! He won’t have time to cheat on you while playing it.
3. Perfume or cologne
You sure do want your man smelling good. Invest some money and get him a really good perfume. And no not Active man or 212 men. Get a Versace or a Polo or an Oud depending on your budget. Something to cherish.
4. Take him out on Valentine’s day
Probably did not see that coming. Take your boyfriend to a nice restaurant somewhere and pay for it. Try beat him to his plans for you, and turn the tables that day. He will never forget it.
5. Give him an attire
There are uncountable tailors and fashion designers that can make the perfect agbada or kaftan without measuring you. Check his shirt sizes and pant sizes and get him that “designer agbada” or “designer kaftan”.
6. Alcohol hamper
If you have a boyfriend that likes or loves to drink, wines, spirits, whiskey, rum or even orijin. Get an arrangement of his favorite drinks get about four or five according to your budget and watch him light up.
Why is this here? Is your boyfriend a hungry bachelor, or too busy and always eats out? Great, there are chefs that can make bowls of food, packaged and ready that could last for three weeks. Upsides, he will keep thinking of you each time he eats.
8. Sports jerseys
This is a really good idea. Your boyfriend probably supports Manchester United or Arsenal. If he doesn’t have a jersey you should get him one with his name and favorite number on it. Make it grand give him a home and away jersey. One in the morning the other in the evening and go, another one.
9. A pair of shoes
You sure do want your man to look and dress good, he probably has a photo of a pair of shoes he really wants somewhere on his phone. Surprise him and get him those exact ones. monk shoes, brogues, desert boots these are really perfect or work out shoes if he is fit fam.
So if you didn’t find anything on this list, you can settle for this. There are stores that make customised accessory sets, from pens, belts, wallets, shoes, cufflinks, lapel pins, tie clips and a number of these. Get him about two or three good accessories and he will thank you later.
You ever see some news reports and go “LMAO!”, “what the hell?” or think in your head “what is all this?”.
Look at these Nigerian news headlines and let your jaw drop!
1. When you literally can’t do without fish
We guess it is better to just die when there isn’t fish to eat.
2. Sometimes you take the law into your hands… or into your mouth
Only God “nose” what happened here…
3. When life throws marriage at you really unexpectedly
In all ramifications this was totally wrong.
4. When the elections were getting really serious and confusing
In the words of the famous Justin Bieber.. “What do you mean?”.
5. And it really got more suspicious and hilarious
SAY WHAT NOW?
6. When your shoe game was dope on earth and you have to tell Angel Gabriel too
Shoe game on fleek on earth and will be in heaven.
7. When the wrong spirit is moving you
Forever blaming the Holy Spirit for everything.
8. When you give the gift meant for the side chick to the wife
To think it is a day to share love oh!
9. When you can’t help but say “What the hell?”
Hmmmoooohhhmyyygawwwdddd…. why you lying!
10. When you realize judgement day is near
When you realize its all over.
11. It was a serious plea
You can’t help but wonder…
12. Even your boo get a boo
What is life?
13. When you realize deodorant can save marriages
Ordinary body odor, is it that deep?
14. When you’re being delivered but they say the containers are landing soon
Man cannot miss business abeg.
15. They don’t want you to have dinner
Now we understand DJ Khaled. They don’t want you to eat early.
Are you always wondering “What the hell is this ‘I Was In My House And Trailer Came To Jam Me’ thing everyone is always talking about?!”
We introduced this hilarious hashtag to you sometime ago.#IWasInMyHouseAndTrailerCameToJamMe is a Twitter series and comes in episodes.
How does it work?
Somebody sits innocently in their house and makes a comment or puts up a tweet, and someone comes from nowhere (a trailer) to jam this person.
Got it?
Ok here are 10 hilarious tweets put together by @TrailerJamShow
1. Kylie Jenner tweeted this in 2013. Did she predict the future?
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
2. This girl’s ex-boyfriend put her on blast on Twitter!
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
3. Kanye’s fans weren’t going to let this insult go unpunished.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
4. Not every time jam, sometimes put someone in his place.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
5. The complete guide to obtaining a sugar daddy. LMAO!
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
6. This trailer came armed with missiles ready to fire!
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
7. This trailer attack on someone’s IQ level.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
8. Some people are going to school, others are using Twitter as textbook. Smh!
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Exhibit D
9. This well-deserved trailer jam. Nobody talks badly about the first lady of slay!
Most people say “it’s so hard to understand women”. Truth is we have the cheat codes and will tell you. Ever tried to talk to a Nigerian girl and she’s been turning you down? This list will help you.
Disclaimer: This does not relate to ALL Nigerian girls. Read in peace!
1. Money
Money makes the world go round and makes everything move. It also makes the hearts of some Nigerian girls flutter and melt. Better still if it is a foreign currency.
2. Perfume
This is really a very dope way to impress. You hear it all the time “I love men that smell good”. Go buy that perfume bottle today.
3. Car keys
This is a very important key, literally. Just have the car keys, and place them strategically during a conversation and open doors for yourself. Where will you get keys? We don’t know.
4. Cars
This is a step up from just having the keys, have the car. Make it a very good one. 2010 models and above. Thank us later.
5. Culinary skills
Nigerian girls like or love guys that can cook. Go learn how to cook, post the food photos online and you’ll have your way into their hearts.
6. Sweet-talking abilities
Generally, ladies love to be wooed, but Nigerian girls are a special breed. You need to up your toasting game to be able to get any of them.
7. Oil and Gas job
Ladies love guys with an ambition or stable job. They don’t like anything still in the ‘pipeline’ or works. Except your job has to do with pipelines then you are winning.
8. VIP or VVIP
Tagline: “Do you want to go see a show with me? I have two VIP tickets”. This will work. Just find the money to keep on getting VIP or VVIP tickets. Thank us later.
9. Wedding rings
We heard this is one way to some Nigerian girls hearts. Guys look a little attractive with the wedding bands. Or on another note guys in relationships. We think they took #SeizeTheBae too far.
10. Beards
Last but not the least. This could easily be the top of this list. Nigerian babes love guys with the full connecting beard. Note full and connecting, please don’t embarrass yourself with the “bear-bear”.
There are only a few people in Lagos who will claim to never have been to a ‘buka’ or ‘mama put’ place. For those that are regulars and those that want to try them out, we made a list of top places to try out. Thank us later.
1. White House – Sabo Yaba
This place serves the whole of the Yaba area and beyond, people are addicted to it. Wives come to buy meals for their husbands and the home here. Convinced yet?
2. Ajisafe – Ikeja
https://www.instagram.com/p/u-i3-zqTbH/
They have this rice and stew combination that will make you keep going back for more. They have a variety of options and it is usually very hard to stay fully awake after you eat here. Satisfying.
3. Ghana High – Lagos Island
https://www.instagram.com/p/uvkvgQR0XH/
This place gives the island people a very good alternative to going all the way to the mainland for buka food. Ghana high is usually filled with white shirt and suit clad workers hustling to get their favorite dishes.
4. Olaiya – Surulere
https://www.instagram.com/p/6zYeoHqTej/
When it is time for lunch, it’s pretty much a struggle to get a parking space anywhere around here. The amala and gbegiri with ewedu here tastes like whatever the inventors made.
5. Amala Yahoo – Ogudu
Food here is so good they named it after food. This is the place to go to if you have an addiction or craving for Amala and you want to satisfy it properly.
6. Saudi Food Palace – Bariga
This place crawls with sweet and enjoyable dishes. It’s a little hard to stay away from Saudi once you go there. If it is very close to you, you would probably not want to cook for yourself ever again.
Looking for designer rice? Or stew to blow your mind away? This is your place. It’s been tried and trusted, the lines there at lunch time will convince you.
8. Defence Car Park Canteen/First Bank Amala – Marina
It’s fondly called First Bank amala. People don’t bother about the name just the food that comes out of the kitchens and the hot, steaming amala. It’s a struggle to eat here and keep your clothes clean. Food so good you want to stay at the canteen till they close.
9. Belgium – Mile 2
Some people just call this place Amala Belgium. Amala so good they had to name it after a foreign country. The food here tastes better than anything you may have had. Of course, they have their signature taste.
On January 27th 2016, an epic trailer fight occurred between Kanye West, Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose.
It all started when Wiz made some ‘innocent comments’ that included the letters ‘KK’ which turned kanye into the next Meek Mill.
Kanye then tried to come for Amber. But Amber Rose is the queen of all clapbacks!
But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the hilarious memes and tweets that the internet has created. Here are 13 of our favourite:
1. This one about Kim’s reaction to Amber Rose’s clap back.
Just look at Kanye’s face.
2. After playing with Kanye’s booty, Amber Rose be like…
If you have a Facebook or Twitter account, you may have seen a brilliant meme that has been going around the internet over the past few days. Now we have created a version specifically for Nigerians!
Meet Femi. Femi is the perfect human being. Here are 7 reason you should be like Femi:
1. Femi is not a Yoruba Demon
2. Femi lives the FitFam life
3. Femi does not share his whole life on Facebook
4. Femi is not a trailer that jams people unnecessarily on Twitter
5. Femi supports her friends on social media. Femi is not a hater
6. Femi isn’t selfish. Femi knows how to filter selfies on Instagram
7. Femi knows how to play Candy Crush like a grown up
We know you want to be like Femi. Head to http://zikoko.com/be-like/
Add your name, gender and country of origin.
Go forth and share your results!
Sometimes, you may not be in the best moods to entertain visitors. To make matters worse, they come and start misbehaving. You are just there praying to God to hold your mouth and hands. If you have ever been in this situation you will understand these.
1. When someone comes visiting with a travelling bag
Hello, excuse me what’s all this? Visit not vacation!
2. When they come and start asking for the most random things
It seems something is wrong with you today.
3. “Why didn’t you arrange your house”
Is it your house? Is it your arrange? Leave me please.
4. When they start making food demands like asking for pounded yam
Because this is your family restaurant?
5. Guests that only show up when they know you are cooking
You are such an unfortunate fellow but you won’t hear it from my mouth.
6. When a guest changes the DSTV channel to Africa Magic Yoruba
Are you okay at all? On my own money for subscription.
7. And then proceed to state they prefer fresh fish
The people that are doing you are dead.
8. When visitors want to scold you or encourage your parents to scold you
Oshey minister of scolding, carry your wahala and go. Oversabi.
9. And they expect you to cater to their needs and entertain them
What do you think I look like?
10. When a visitor says”can I have that drink you gave me the other time”
Ths one wants to turn me to bar man. Can you please not.
11. When a guest boldly says “won’t you turn on the gen?”
As costly as fuel is? Not today Satan.
12. When guests start thinking being a guest = special rights
So you want me to serve you and clear the plates and wash them? Please use your brain.
13. When guests begin to feel too comfortable and at home
Excuse me sir, I pay the rent here.
14. Or someone starts heading to your fridge or cupboard
Where do you think you are going?
15. When a guest starts invading your room and closet
Heyss don’t be stupid my friend respect yourself.
16. When they want takeaway because the food was sweet
If you don’t get out from here before I open my eyes.
17. And sometimes when they begin to overstay their welcome
See, we have burial in the village come and be going please.
1. Be proactive. Once someone important gets engaged or gives birth, start sniffing out your invitation.
There’s no time to waste. Before the hall they booked gets full and you descend into the full extent of ‘Mogbo Moya’.
2. If you can’t get an invitation, then invite yourself.
Drastic situations call for drastic measures.
3. Dress like you were actually invited.
Wear the Agbada like you’re a friend of the celebrant, or wear that gown and almost upstage the bride. It’s your day too.
4. Make sure you appear in all the pictures.
If your picture doesn’t make it to Linda Ikeji, Aso Ebi Bella or Instablognaija, were you really there?
5. Live Snapchat from the event, because further proof. The longer the better.
Don’t forget the aim here is to confirm to everyone that you really belong.
6. Find your ladder.
Pick a struggle ladder. Your ladder might be weddings, music videos, music concerts, tweeting at celebs like you’re buddies etc.
7. Be a loyalist to the people at the top of that ladder.
Be their groupie till you’re their mate. Fake it till you make it.
8. Be unduly active on every social network.
The frequency of you posting across all social networks should be at least once every 30 minutes. You wouldn’t want the followers you bought to forget or underrate your presence and importance.
9. Name drop anywhere and anyhow.
Friend: I have four kids.
Prospective social climber: The Ooni of Ife also likes the number 4. I heard him telling Wizkid and Lil Kesh about this.
OR
Friend: Could you pass the salt?
Prospective social climber: Davido likes salt too, Sina Rambo told me.
Frankly, it doesn’t have to make sense.
10. Have a fellow social climber friend or relative.
You need someone to hold the ladder for you. You should do it all together. Two heads are regularly better than one.
Friend zone aka the “you will never be bae zone” should have a lot of warning signs for would-be occupants of the zone. See, we are the good guys and know just how painful it is to be cast into that zone.
So here are 12 signs that indicate that a girl has friend-zoned you completely.
1. When she tells you she isn’t ready for a relationship then goes on to date someone else two weeks later.
Smh!
2. If she says “God forbid” and makes this face whenever the topic of both of you being in a relationship comes up.
Yup! She is highly disgusted by the idea of dating you.
3. When you suddenly become her brother or any member of her family.
Sorry, bro!
4. Are you helping her pick dresses for dates with other guys?
As per chief stylist.
5. Or has she called you her “best bestie in the whole world”.
But….
6. When she replies “Awww” after you just sent her a 3-paged epistle on how beautiful she is.
Eh yaa!
7. When she starts tell you of a guy that she likes and that guy isn’t you.
So much evils.
8. Or she tells you she wishes to find a guy like you.
But still refuses to make you her bae.
9. When she tweets “I am single to stupor” and you guys have been talking for almost a year.
Very tragic!
10. And she feels really comfortable telling you all the gross things like how bloody her period feels like.
Dis tew much. Forreal.
11. When she starts asking you for relationship advice.
Because, you are Dr Phil and bestie rolled in one.
12. And when she refers to you as the guy she could have kids with if she happens to be unmarried at 40.
