1. Gathering every document the night before into ‘my clear bag’ or this:

2. Keeping everything to yourself.

3. Rehearsing your answers before the D-Day.

4. Selecting your outfit:

5. Interview Morning: The Prayer Session.

6. “Oga do you have passport? Come its just N2000 for three.”

7. “Come let me help you cross check your documents.”

8. Oh! The loooong queue.

9. Waiting for your turn and you’re number 233C and they are on number 31A.

10. That person sitting by you constantly asking stupid questions.

11. When you can see people fumbling but you try not to laugh.

12. Realizing one consular is mean and has denied everyone since 7am.

13. …and he is the one to interview you.

14. When they ask you “what is the purpose of your trip?”

15. …and you explain like it’s your project defense.

16. That long wait as they type everything in their computer.

17. “We have reviewed your application…”

18. “…and you do not qualify for this visa at this time.”

19. The humility, pain, sadness, and anger as you walk out.

20. …and you remember you won’t be changing your BBM and Twitter location.

Nigerian parents are usually the best, but in some cases where they either wanted you to do something or stop complaining, these were 15 effective lies they used more than once.

And we fell for them every single time.

1. “Let me hold the money for you.”

…and you never see it again.

2. “Just tell me the truth, I won’t beat you.”

…and you leave in a wheelchair.

3. “I’ll buy it for you if you come first in class.”

It never happens.

4. “I’ll buy it for you on your birthday.”

Birthday comes and goes. Still nothing.

5. “Don’t worry, we’ll soon leave.”

An extra 5 hours go by.

6. “I’ll think about it.”

…and it never come up again.

7. “You’ll grow into it.”

You’re an adult now and it is still not you size.

8. “Go and wear your shoes, I’ll wait.”

…they don’t.

9. “I don’t have a favorite child.”

…they do.

10. “I didn’t do all this boyfriend-girlfriend till I married.”

…but you’ve seen the pictures.

11. “I don’t have money.”

…but you’ve seen the wallet.

12. “I always came first in class.”

…but you’ve seen their results.

13. “My parents never got angry with me.”

…but that’s not what grandma said.

14. “Eat the beans so you’ll grow tall.”

…but that’s not what your Science teacher said.

15. “Lend me, I’ll give you back.”

…and it is gone forever.

We still love them, though.

It’s almost like there is some training school all Nigerian parents go to that make them all talk and behave alike.

So, if you grew up with Nigerian parents, these sentences should ring a bell.

1. “…when you’re always pressing your phone.”

For when they were looking for something to blame your stupidity on.

2. “If I hear pim.”

For when your voice was the last thing they wanted to hear.

3. “My friend”

For when they were at their least friendly.

4. “You’re doing yourself.”

For when they left you to your stupidity.

5. “Clap for yourself.”

For when they wanted to highlight your stupidity.

6. “How many times have they visited you?”

For when you wanted to go visit a friend.

7. “NO!”

For when you asked for ANYTHING that wasn’t directly related to school.

8. “…read your book.”

For when they needed you to stop having fun.

9. “Sorry for yourself.”

For when they couldn’t care less about your apology.

10. “…do they have two heads?”

For when someone else did better than you.

11. “…how many times did I call your name?”

For when they were about to beat your ass.

12. “Put it on my head.”

For whenever you asked “where should I put it?”

13. “I don’t blame you.”

For when they totally blamed you.

14. “Do you think I’m your mate?”

For when you tried ‘adulting’ in their presence.

15. “Enter the TV.”

For when you’re too close to the TV.

16. “…you want to fight me.”

For whenever you tried to defend yourself or dodge a slap.

17. “Come and eat me.”

For when you told them you were hungry.

So, did we miss anything?

1. When you have to slow down when words that start with vowels are coming up.

2. When it slips out during a conversation and you have to get your bearings before continuing.

3. You totally understand this tweet.

4. When you’re forming phonee and it sneaks out and exposes you.

5. When you’re not sure whether to use “a” or “an” in a sentence.

6. When you meet someone whose own is stronger than yours.

7. When you see people that spell their names with h-factor

8. When even the voice in your head has it too.

9. When it occasionally slips into your writing.

10. When “hour” and “honest” are your favorite words, because they are naturally h-factored.

11. When you’re trying to sing and it comes and scatters the lyrics.

12. When you’re drunk and trying to control it.

13. When you mean one thing but your h-factor turns into something else.

14. When you’re not even Yoruba but you still have it.

15. This double standard:

1. They won’t have the sex talk with you, but will expect you to be a virgin when you marry.

2. They say “well done” when they see you doing nonsense.

3. They praise you in front of their friends, but insult you at home.

4. They say one thing with their mouth and the total opposite with their eyes.

5. They take you to their best friend’s house, then vex when you accept food.

6. They see you dodging a slap as a call to war.

7. They don’t care about you passing in school, they care about you passing everyone else.

8. They’ll beat you and then vex when you start crying.

9. They don’t feel guilty when they “help you keep” your money and never return it.

10. Turning 21 doesn’t make you an adult to them, you have to bring a spouse first.

11. They don’t care that you’re now an “adult” they will still slap you when you do anyhow.

12. They don’t apologize, this is the closest you’ll get:

13. They love you, but you’ll probably never hear them say it.

14. They only know Medicine, Law, and Engineering when it’s time for you to fill JAMB form.

15. They really really LOVE shouting.