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Can you guys help us figure out why the price of a Toyota Corolla is now ₦4 million? If you can invite inflation for a podcast episode, we promise to dash you all the mics you want.
Becoming a millionaire’s side chic
So many people want to enter that line of business and need solid intel. Do it for the good of the community.
Speak to a male ashewo
What are the career prospects? How much do they earn? What is the work culture like? What are the barriers to entry? These are the important questions.
How to make money doing nothing
Nobody likes stress. It’ll be best if you help us figure out how to make money without doing anything, so we can live our best lives.
Sexual health
We all know people won’t stop committing sin. So, why not help us by talking about sexual health on your podcast, so we can make it to hell in good health?
How to get lucky
Some people don’t seem to have village people in this life. They stay winning, just cruising through life with ease and softness. Can’t you find them and tell them to share some secrets with the rest of the population?
How to spend ₦400k
Since podcasters love to settle every issue known to man, they should help us figure out the best way to spend ₦400k. It’s just a suggestion.
As last week’s interview showed, chaos always finds Zikoko, although she might have invited it to her doorstep this week.
Zikoko: *under breath* Finally. Welcome
Twitter NG: Hmm. Thank you, my dear.
*looks around*
You people don’t have chilled water or stout inside this your office?
Zikoko: *points at the bottle of water on the table*
Twitter NG: *picks and drops it with disgust*
I said chilled, mortuary standard. I’ve been moving up and down since o. Selling market here, settling fight there, and these you people’s sun is too hot.
*dabs sweat*
You people don’t like AC in your office?
Zikoko: Sorry. Sorry, to cut you short. But you’re Twitter?
Twitter NG: Twitter is our family name, but people call me Ngo baby, NG for short.
Zikoko: Okay, Miss NG
Twitter NG: Remove the miss
Zikoko: Mrs?
Twitter NG: See, I don’t have time for this one, ask me your questions fast.
*a notification sound comes from her bag*
Ehehn, somebody just started another “women should be submissive” conversation.
Zikoko: What is it about that?
Twitter NG: Hmm, my dear. 10 is happening, but every day you people are arguing about the same thing and acting without decorum. Una no dey rest.
Zikoko: Ah, we are not among, ma
Twitter NG: The people that fight “GenZ vs Millenial” wars on Monday. “Should you cook for your boyfriend or not?” on Wednesday. “Was your childhood traumatic or are you actually fine” on Thursday. my dream? Then the ones that come out to shout gender wars unprovoked on Saturday. Are they, not your people?
Zikoko: Not all of them
Twitter NG: It’s not like I’m angry like that o. You people are helping me meet my target. In fact, you are even helping my cousins, Eucharia of the UK and Austin bomboy of America, to meet their targets too.
You people are trying small small, but you used to act one kind…
Zikoko: The arguments?
Twitter NG: No o. As you people have refused to change, I cannot do anything about that one. It’s this one where you people will be talking about one thing, you’ll now add like five different things that don’t concern what you’re talking about because other people are talking about it.
*shakes head*
It’s bad. In fact, Elozonam Mekus…
Zikoko: You mean Elon Musk
Twitter NG: *side eye*
Zikoko: Sorry ma
Twitter NG: Is he your oga, or my oga?
Zikoko: I thought you were a family.
Twitter NG: Did he tell you that his last name is Twitter?
Zikoko: Sorry ma. You were saying?
Twitter NG: How do I want to remember what I was saying again?
Zikoko: Try ma
Twitter NG: Ehen. You people used to do one kind.
Zikoko: Which people?
Twitter NG: You people now, all of you.
Zikoko: Ma, please we don’t appreciate the generalizations.
Twitter NG: Ahn ahn. What is that your name again?
Zikoko: Zikoko ma
Twitter NG: Do you use Twitter?
Zikoko: Yes ma
Twitter NG: *pulls out a tablet from her big ass bag*
Zi-ko-ko… ehen, you’re among now. You’re one of those who start arguments.
Zikoko: Conversations ma. We start conversations
Twitter NG: See, we are talking about the same thing…
Zikoko: Ma? Madam? Twi… Twitter
Twitter NG: *jerks back to life*
Sorry. Sorry, my dear. Sometimes, I’ll just freeze, I won’t be able to move for a while.
*Her tablet starts blowing up with notifications*
Somebody cannot even have peace again.
*She starts packing her things*
Zikoko: You’re leaving already?
Twitter NG: Shebi, you too you can see it. If it’s not fight I’m settling, it’s blue tick I’m selling. If they don’t turn me to a dating site, they’ll turn me into a courtroom. I’m just one person.
Zikoko: Can we reschedule?
Twitter NG: Reschedule where? My dear, the way you people are acting…
Zikoko: *under breath* It’s not us
Twitter NG: You may never see me again
Zikoko: Ah, that won’t happen o
Twitter NG: *turns to leave*
Zikoko: Why does this keep happening to me? Miss Twitter?! Mama NG?!
Twitter NG: It’s Ngo, Ngozichukwukariri for short.
It’s exam season, and before you say anything, THINK.
I have a mirror, so I already know what I look like. Before you talk about my dark eyes and vivid collarbones, just take a step back, and think.
School is already hard enough, but everything gets ten times harder during exams. We don’t know where the questions are coming from. The topics you skipped might be the ones that come out. We’re basically just in a limbo, and it’s very frustrating. So, if you don’t know how to help this period, here are a few tips.
Give them food every day
They forget to eat, so getting bulk food might be inefficient.
Pray for them
Prayer is the key, please. How are they going to know the answers to questions they were never taught if they don’t get divine intervention?
Don’t ask too many questions
Especially questions like, “how are you?” It might lead to long talks and tears that you aren’t ready for.
Twitter NG has never been known to take things lying down, especially when that thing is a possible lie or half-truth about speaking at the United Nations. The opposing party has held six Twitter spaces to defend her honour, but the people still aren’t convinced.
As usual, the commentary that followed was hilarious.
If Yetunde Gold had taken this advice, we wouldn’t be where we are today
Controversial but- if I lie on this internet and I’m caught I will go offline and come back in 3 months wearing white and post a picture of myself on the beach with the caption
Idc idc, if my man was on twitter defending a supposed stranger (woman) this way when he’s never defended me, when I’ve been called ashawo multiple times and cussed out for dating him, I would be very sus🧍🏾♀️
— Purple Tinkerbell ⁷🧚🏾♀️🎀💜 (@Zoyablooms) May 3, 2023
But he has nothing to worry about. This person has his back
After the seemingly long and semi-productive break (L.O.L), school resumed about three weeks ago.
People are thanking Muslims for the public holiday, and I can’t relate because break where??? I have MB exams in three weeks, and lectures won’t end till next week.
How I was going to cover 400 topics in five weeks was beyond anything I could think of, but miracle no dey tire Jesus.
I want to say we move, but I don’t even want to move
As usual, I resumed with a plan; one week, one course.
Sorry for the laugh
Don’t even ask how that’s going. The more I read, the more I realise that wahala dey. If the Efikos are panicking, who am I but a pencil in the hand of the creator?
At this point, said creator needs to step in because I’m beginning to believe Nigerian lecturers enjoy being wicked. How do you move your test to two weeks before the exam and then inform us about a presentation less than a week to it? Haba.
The first time I heard path & pharm exams were the hardest, I thought it was mere talk. After all, they said the same thing about my other exams. Now with every hug, I cry. “How are you?” – tears, “I brought food” — tears, “Call me if you need something” — tears. Even the Erin Ijesha waterfall has nothing on me.
I didn’t plan for this while living the soft girl life last month.
My dwindling will to actually pursue this degree aside, I think it’s safe to safe to say I’ve finally hit broke-girl rock bottom in this school.
Just three weeks in, and all my money has disappeared – even though I’ve been making wise financial decisions. I survived…
Survive is a very strong word, but okay
…on biscuit flakes for two days, so it’s safe to say that I’m now lactose intolerant. I tried to cook.
I made Jollof spaghetti, and my concoction was inedible, but do you see that my desire to save money was obviously stronger than my desire to live?
Anyway, I now have just 1k in my account.
If you asked me how, I’d tell you that I was trying to get hot water to shower yesterday when my neighbour casually told me she sells perfumes. I didn’t know how to evade this, so I told her that she didn’t have the one I wanted, a big mistake, because she then said she was going to order it soon, and now I can confidently write a guide to thriving as a broke girl in school.
But you didn’t ask, so I won’t tell
All of that doesn’t bother me though, because money will always come.
On the bright side, it was retail therapy for me. I’m about to soak garri with my sleep-deprived eyes. Please act right if you see me with a plate in your room.
Don’t comment about my body changes during this period. “You’ve lost weight”, “your eyes are darker”, “are you even eating?”, “see your neck”, “you’ve become skinny”. Nanret, if you were in my shoes, you’d look worse. Did you offer me food that I rejected? It’s always “You’ll be fine” and never “I bought massa and plantains for you”.
With everything going on, please don’t stress me. I have assignments due in the morning and haven’t started them. In between all this, I watched Gangs of Lagos. Who’s looking to be the Obalola to my Teni?
It’s a calm and quiet day in the office, Zikoko sits in her little corner trying to get her work done when PMS struts in, looking like a bondage mistress with her tight high ponytail and 6-inch platform heels.
PMS: Let’s get this over with.
Zikoko: Ma?
PMS: . You wrote me a letter last week. surely you recognise me.
Zikoko: I do. I just don’t understand what you’re doing here. I didn’t reach out to you.
PMS: No, but since you’ve joined the rest of the world to stain my white, I’ve decided to grant you this interview to clear my name.
*sits down*
You’re welcome.
Zikoko: You want to do it now? Like right now?
PMS: Yes. Look, I’m tired of everyone saying such horrible things about me. I’m a good person.
*taps the table*
Can you please write that down? Or better still, get it on tape.
Zikoko: Tape…
PMS: Yes. You know what, it’s fine. I brought one of my assistants. Say hi to Constipation.
*points at Constipation carrying a camcorder*
He’s an expert at holding things, so he’s been recording since I walked in. When we get back, Diarrhea will send the tape out.
Zikoko: *nods slowly* Sorry, please, why are you just casually walking around with erm, Constipation?
PMS: Oh, he’s one of my assistants. I have a couple of them. He’s good at carrying shit around, so I take him everywhere.
Zikoko: Okay, I don’t understand, but let’s act like I do. You’re here to clear your name?
PMS: Yes. I’m a businesswoman trying to run a successful business, and everyone keeps trying to vilify me, especially the women. I just want to thrive at my job, and I keep getting slandered. What happened to women supporting women?
Zikoko: You’re not very supporting either.
PMS: How? I’m always there, every step of the way.
Zikoko: 2 words, Mood Swings.
PMS: Okay? I have a lot of friends, and I like to bring them with me on work trips. Sue me. Plus, I meet Mood there, it’s not my fault that we play jangilova sometimes and shit goes haywire. She’s my childhood friend.
Zikoko: Menstruation doesn’t bring her friends along.
PMS: *extra dramatic gasp* Take that back now. Why would you compare me to that lazy babe? I do all the work and people refer to me as her personal John the Baptist. I don’t appreciate that.
Zikoko: So she’s not your big aunty?
PMS: God, no. And I don’t appreciate being treated like an opener at her concert. She’s the background act, and I’m the star of the show.
*peeps at Zikoko’s notepad*
Did you write that?
Zikoko: *nods*
PMS: Good. Also, women like to act like I’m their worst enemy, but I’m the only one that’s always there for them. Consistency is literally my middle name.
Zikoko: I thought it was menstrual.
PMS: *criminally offensive side eye* I can see that I wasted my time coming here.
Zikoko: No …
PMS: All of you can continue thinking of me as the enemy, but I know I’m the hero in this story.
Zikoko: Please sit down. I’ll be nice.
PMS: *walks out*
Zikoko: Nicer! PMS! Pre! Post?! Syndrome! Constipation! Will you still send the recording?!
It’d been three months since I moved to Imo State. The hustle and bustle of Lagos didn’t agree with me anymore.
The closest alternatives to Lagos didn’t agree with me either: Abuja had too many familiar faces, the Port Harcourt soot would give my mother sleepless nights, and Ibadan was too close to home. So after deep deliberation and a very serious game of tumbo tumbo, it was decided; I would face the next stage of my life in Imo state and embark on a journey of self-discovery.
I’d fulfilled the journey bit by actually moving to this new state, but continued postponing my plans of self-discovery. Weekends had passed, and the only discoveries I’d made were; Okpa should be labeled as an attack against the human race, and Ofe Owerri is the GOAT soup.
This obviously wasn’t enough for my work bestie, who’d hightailed it to my house on Saturday afternoon and decided to play tour guide, even though she’d only lived here seven months longer than me and had zero sense of direction.
But still, we pulled on our boots, carried our backpacks like mini Dora, the Explorers, and embarked on what we thought was an adventure of a lifetime.
The drive started well. We sang, ate rubbish, admired the beautiful expanse of land. But after two hours on the road, we realised…
… we were lost.
There we were, in the middle of a long ass road. Google Maps was shouting “Turn right” in our ears but the only thing to our right was grass, just grass for miles and miles. So we unanimously decided to speak to an actual human being and ask for help. Screw Google Maps and that babe’s lying ass voice.
As we waited on the side of the road for a friendly face (honestly, any face would have worked) it got darker, and fewer cars sped past, so we came to another decision – restart Google Maps, and pray the babe in it would get us to our destination if we spoke to her nicely.
We were back on the road and beyond determined to get to that lake, even if we got there at midnight.
In hindsight, we should have just turned around or found a hotel for the night. Obviously, my parents didn’t warn me about the dangers of visiting a body of water at night, or maybe the stress of the day had sucked the common sense out of me. Either way, we found ourselves driving up to the lake at 8 p.m. a one-hour journey had taken us four, and at this point, all I could think was,
“That lake better be the most beautiful thing I set my eyes on.”
We got out of the car and walked towards it. I’d seen prettier sights, but for some reason, we couldn’t stop walking. It felt like it was calling us. I shut my eyes and listened closely, and I could swear I heard my name. It was only a whisper, but it was there, in that stupid Google Maps babe’s voice.
I opened my eyes, and we were at the water’s edge. Our legs dipped in, and reality snapped. The water wrapped itself around our legs and pulled us in, never to see sunlight again.
Which is why I’m writing this to you. It’s okay to be scared by the appearance of these words on paper, but take heed and let others know,
“The people of Ogbu are coming to reclaim their lands and people, nothing is as it seems, be wary of it all.”
The only way to prevent people from staining your white in this city is not to wear white at all in the first place, and we mean that both literally and figuratively.
Or dress like a ghost
Better yet, you can dress like a ghost if you must wear white. Nigerians are scared of them, and you’ll use that to get everyone to avoid you. Problem solved.
Always be on guard
Don’t go around thinking nobody will soil your clothes. There are 20 million people in Lagos, so from the moment you step out of your house, you have to remind everybody your head use to touch occasionally.
Don’t use public transportation
You can’t tell who’s who just by looking at their faces, so the next best thing to do is to make sure you’re not even seeing many people in the first place. One way to do that is to not take public transportation if you can afford to. If you can’t, and you still want to stay fresh and fine, the next point is for you.
Don’t live in Lagos
Your odds are still a lot better if you don’t live in Lagos sha, because that’s where all the madness is. Nobody will stain your white if you just go to a place that’s less rowdy and has fewer people. But the question is, will you listen?
Or just stay in your house
We’ll repeat it just so you get it. Stay in your house. Nobody can come and disturb you there.
Have baths regularly with the new Dettol 5C Cool
If you know you can’t do all these things but you still want to stay fresh all the same, you need to have your bath with the new Dettol 5C Cool soap. As it helps you stay fresh and gives up to 5 degrees cooling sensation all day without having to worry about all the hassles of living in an ever-bustling city that is constantly trying to make you unfresh. Watch this Dettol Cool 5C Cool ad to motivate you to take your hygiene seriously and stay refreshed. Now, don’t say we haven’t done anything for you.
You don’t even need so much noise to be happy. You just need a cool party with a nice ambience where everyone can relax and truly forget their problems for a while.
Look at the ambience
It’s totally giving “joy” and we’ll understand if you feel bad for not attending the event.
And they invited everyone
If you weren’t there, you truly missed. But Leadway invited everyone on the internet and people showed up for a good time.
They even had games available
You just know they’re experts at taking a breather. Parties are fun, but games make them even more fun. This party had many different games from Jenga to Table soccer and even FIFA.
There was plenty food and drinks
A good party is incomplete without food. And because food is the way to many people’s hearts, Leadway made sure to deliver.
They hosted a karaoke session
It doesn’t matter if your friends have the worst voices. Watching them fumble as they try to sing Ed Sheeran’s songs or lip sync to Asake’s lyrics would definitely make you laugh your eyes out.
There was music too
If you couldn’t sing or were too shy to risk embarrassing yourself, Leadway had you covered with a DJ that played soft music for you to jam to.
They also shared party packs
People need something to remind them that at your party, they were happy. And this is exactly what Leadway did. Nothing makes you feel happy as a kid like receiving party packs after a fun day with friends. This party just goes to show how committed Leadway has been to people’s happiness over the past few decades, and we really love to see it.
Leadway is Nigeria’s largest non-banking financial institution that offers services to businesses and individuals. Their services include Insurance, Pension, Wills & Trusts services, Health Insurance and Asset Management.
Nobody parties better than Nigerians. Back when the economy wasn’t everyone’s biggest prayer point, and they could actually afford to host legendary parties every other Friday, nobody gave the best party favors.
To prove this, I went on a long search online and compiled this list.
Trays
Source: myguide-cdn.com
After serving looks at the party, it’s only right your hosts send you off with a tray so you can never stop serving.
Plastic hand fans
Source: nairaland.com
Nigeria is hot AF, so thumbs up for the forward-thinking and practicality of this gift.
Bottle openers
Source: amazon.com
In an era of bottle caps that could break your teeth and leave you unable to function for weeks, openers were always welcomed.
Coolers
Source: images.yaoota.com
If there was one thing the party hosts didn’t joke with back then, it was coolers. Whether empty or full, one thing was for sure; you’d leave with a cooler.
Bags
Source: wetinuneed.com
They came in all shapes and sizes, but best believe they were cute, functional, and would last till you were old and grey.
Bowls
Source: zikoko.com
Bathing and kitchen bowls didn’t matter what type of bowl it was as long as they could hold water and carry your other souvenirs from the party.
Customized towels and napkins
Source: bulksuppliers.com
If you went to a party and left with either of these, your hosts were swimming in money, and chances are, you were too.
A customized notebook
Source: olist.ng
Emphasis on the customized. If the notebook didn’t state the name of the celebrant(s) like this, “join us to celebrate x”, or “x is 10”, then you didn’t attend a party.
Having your best friend move to a different city may not be the end of the world, but it could be the end of that friendship.
So instead of dealing with the stress of distance-induced friendship heartbreak, here are some things you can do:
Ask them to swear
They always say they won’t forget you but don’t take their word for it; ask them to swear on their unborn child’s edges. They’ll have no choice but to remain besties with you because they can’t risk their children walking around looking like a rat ate their baby hairs…
Send them pictures
This is perfect for people with different time zones. Send them a selfie before they wake up because your beautiful face needs to be the first thing they see before they start their day.
Disturb them with memes
They already have to live with the darkness and void that comes with being away from you, and you need to remind them that you’re the source of their happiness.
Become their personal amebo radio station
You owe it to your friend to keep them updated on the lives of everyone they’ve left behind. And what’s a better activity than gossiping giving unsolicited commentary on the drama in other people’s lives?
Try virtual movie dates
If you want the relationship to last, you must be intentional. Sacrifice a little data, and block out a time of the day to watch a movie together with your friend.
Surprise them
Take note of the days that are important to them, and do something special for them. It could be as little as a heartfelt text or as much as money. Even though there’s a high chance they have more than you, you need to remind them that you care about their special days and you’re looking out for them.
Go and meet them
You love them, but you’re okay with them living miles apart? Chelsea, come on now. You better go online to buy the next ticket to wherever they are. Don’t worry about money; your love should be the currency you pay with. And if love is not enough, you can quickly meet your Edo friend to borrow their broom.
Inem’s mother had always warned her about her strong head and greed. As a matter of fact, she’d warned her that morning just before they left the house.
She’d bent down, looked her square in the eyes, and told her, “Let them not say I didn’t warn you as a mother, stop behaving like a goat. Stop acting like I don’t feed you at home.”
Inem should have listened.
Inem walked through the market, hand in hand with her mother. They’d gone through this one time too many. She knew the routine by heart: she’d get dragged past the stalls she liked, stop at the ones her mother actually liked, spend hours at the market, ignore the unseen eyes she felt following her every move, and head home just before it got dark.
It didn’t matter if they got here at the break of dawn or just before the heat of the sun made itself known to all. Her mother never changed the routine, and she never stopped feeling like someone was watching her.
Today, however, was different.
Inem didn’t feel like she was being watched, and her mother had let her wander off once they got to the first stall, “Remember what I told you this morning oo. Don’t go too far, and meet me at Enobong’s shop!”
Inem didn’t wait to hear what else she had to say. She‘d been waiting for this chance forever, and she knew where this wind of freedom would take her.
image credit: bellanaija.com
She stood in front of the stall, looking at the hot, oily puff puff in different colors, shapes, and sizes.
For the first time since she started coming to the market, Inem looked past the round balls of dough to the person selling it.
Inem had never seen anyone so beautiful in her life. She was tall and the color of the sun. Her braids were so long Inem couldn’t see they ended. She smiled at her and stretched out her oily hands, offering her a ball of red puff puff.
“For you”, she said.
Inem took it and rushed off to find her mother. She remembered what she’d been told, she remembered the promise she’d made, and she was determined to keep it.
Inem got to Enobong’s shop with oil-stained lips and a puff-puff filled belly. She’d tried to hold off for as long as she could, but Enobong’s shop was too far, and the puff-puff was too tempting. Surely her mother would understand, right?
Inem’s mother didn’t share her sentiments. She dragged Inem home the second she saw her oil-stained lips, bathed her in holy water, and poured anointing oil down her throat.
Inem didn’t get what the fuss was, but her mother kept muttering about initiations and forbidding her from becoming a witch.
Maybe her father was right. Maybe the woman’s constant worrying had driven her to insanity.
Inem’s mother finally left her to sleep. After rubbing her down with anointing oil and rubbing crosses into every corner of her room. She shut the door gently and sat in front of it, the half-empty bottle of oil pressed against her chest.
Then Inem heard the first whisper…
… then the laughter followed.
It sounded like a group of girls had found a spot right outside her window.
So she looked out the window. She just wanted to see if anyone was actually out there, but one minute she was looking out, and the next, she was actually outside, following the voices.
That was when she saw her.
“Welcome.”
Inem ran as fast as her legs could take her, but it felt like the girl had tied a rope to her legs and wouldn’t let her go. She turned around, hoping to find her way back home, but she saw the puff-puff seller, hands stretched out withthe tray of puff-puff in her hands, and a little girl crawling out from behind her.
What an elder Zikoko sees sitting down, you won’t see even if you climb a transformer. So we compiled a list of why you should cherish your talking stage for your benefit.
You get to self-reflect
Wanting to come off as interesting to the potential bae would make you search deep for appropriate answers to all their questions. After the 69th “Tell me about yourself”, you’d be forced to question who you really are.
You can be broke in peace
Everyone tells you how exciting relationships are, leaving out the staggering expenses. Whether it’s their birthday, Jesus’ or just children’s day, you must buy a thoughtful gift. But nobody expects anything from you at the talking stage because you’re not even together yet.
Go to bed early too
You don’t have to explain to anyone why you slept off during the talking stage. And if they start acting upset because you went to bed earlier than you said you would, you can just cut them off. They clearly hate you and will go after your life if the ship takes off.
And still get regular texts and calls
You get to enjoy the benefits of a relationship while escaping the bills that come with it. So you may not be “God when” goals but atleast you know you’re not a plastic spoon.
Save money on house chores
Do people who get pounded yam in talking stages have two heads? Start talking to young men and women with manners, and you’ll have one person pounding yam and another washing your curtains in no time.
You can flee if you get tired
An oloriburuku can only hide their bad character for so long, so once they show you they do usually craze, you can just pack your slippers and run. You’re not attached to them yet, so it’s that easy.
And stay mysterious
One day, you’re making “my man” tweets; the next, you’re saying “Love is for mumus”. You don’t know yet, but you’re keeping your fans on their ten toes. This can only happen if you jump in and out of talking stages instead of getting committed anyhow.
It builds character
Relationships are restrictive; you enter one and end up stuck there for life. But you get to build character when you’ve had to nurse two heartbreaks in a year from people you weren’t even in a relationship with.
Society likes to dictate what we should do, the jobs we should get, and what life skills should matter. Knowing how to drive or swim matters, but when it comes down to it, it’s more important to have the skills on our list.
Buying bread
Photo credit: guardian.ng
Have you ever bought bread that’s drier than the Sahara desert and your DMs, and had to kneel and beg it to let you eat it? If you have, you’ll understand why this skill is a must-have in life.
Frying plantain
Photo credit: mydiasporakitchen.com
The best thing since soft, fresh, hot agege bread, the perfect fried plantain takes skill to make. It has to be golden brown with the right amount of salt to spark everlasting joy in your heart.
Boiling eggs
Photo credit: omgvoice.com
As far as we’re concerned, egg boiling should be taught in schools. It’d save a lot of people from the heartbreak and disappointment that comes with wanting hard-boiled eggs and getting barely cooked yolk for drinking.
Buying juicy fruits
Photo credit: thehungryhuskyfiles.wordpress.com
If you buy dry watermelons or oranges that slap harder than a Nigerian mother on a Sunday afternoon, how would you make the juice or smoothie that’d portray you as the rich, bougie Nigerian you are?
Laying a frontal
This skill won’t just have you looking like a baddie, it’ll also have you deep in your bag. There’s a reason why people pay thousands to have their wigs looking like it came out their scalp.
Fixing lash extensions
Forget about knowing how to write or use a computer; if your hands are steady enough to glue fake lashes on, you’re one step away from becoming a doctor and your parents’ favourite child.
Making pap or custard
Photo credit: insanelygoodrecipes.com
5 out of 6 people fail woefully at mixing powder in boiling water to create pap or custard. If you’re one of the few people with multiple successes at this task, you should print “I can make pap and custard” on a shirt, and wear it everywhere.
Picking Instagram vendors
If you’ve never been swindled by an Instagram vendor before, congratulations, you’re in the one percent of the one percent. You need to share your skill and knowledge with others.
You know shit. We know you do, but sometimes, it doesn’t feel that way, and that’s fine.
Other times, you have to wear made-in-Aba clothes to fake it till you make it. That’s why we’ve brewed this concoction that’ll make your shoulders rise like garri that they soaked for three days.
Prep time: Literally zero seconds. You just need to look in your mirror and go, “I am ready”.
Ready in: 30 minutes to two years.
Instructions
STEP 1: Wash your head
The first and most important step – wash your head with one bucket of water. You’ll feel more relaxed to carry out the other steps easily.
STEP 2: A little delusion
After a quick head wash, look in the mirror and tell yourself a colourful truth.
Anything that’ll aid your delusion and have you walking around like there’s a boil under your arm should be fine. We just need you to finish this step with a little extra pep in your step.
STEP 3: Research
After deluding yourself for as long as you wish (we suggest 30 minutes to an hour), find a book or a person who actually knows more than you do and isn’t just following this recipe, and ask all the questions you need answered. Like, “Why does semo taste like pain and suffering sprinkled with burnt sugar?”
STEP 4: Wash your head again
After all the hard work you’ve put into stepping your game up, the time for that second bucket of water is now. Repeat step 1, and just remember the key to moving like you know shit is in the amount of confidence you appear to have.
This isn’t a case to justify Ju-ju with the backstabbing juju’s actions, but as you go around dragging him like Tiger gen, do it with the awareness that there’s probably a sprinkle of Judas Iscariot’s bad character in you.
He was envious
Judas was a fake friend to Jesus — as fake as ₦15k Adidas slides. He put the “j” in jealousy simply because Jesus was a better person than him. If your friend gets something you’ve always wanted, it’s okay to sit with that jealousy for a minute. But if you decide to pull a Judas, anything your eyes see, let your hands carry.
He was a traitor
Jesus carried that man from Jerusalem to Galilee, but he turned around and sold him out for 30 small pieces of silver? Well, you sell out secrets, put innocent people in a wrong light and slide into their relationships unprovoked.
Once a crime is involved though, we’re going to need you to open your mouth and traitor like you’ve never traitored before.
He was greedy AF
Look, he was in the Mo’Hits Records of his time — besties with Jesus, touring the world together. Heck, he was eating the disciples’ money too.
Judas could’ve continued enjoying that life, but they dangled a bag of precious metal in his face, told him to jump and he asked, “How high?”But let me tell you, if they serve you food in a mixing bowl and you finish everything or you eat more than two eggs at once, Judas is your daddy.
He was a liar
Judas was at the last supper when Jesus declared, “One of you will betray me.” All the disciples went around asking, “Is it me, Jesus?” and he had the guts to join them?
A lying liar. The devil was caught shaking.
You might be one too sha. A white lie is still a lie, so the next time your friend asks where you are, and you tell them, five minutes away when you’ve just stepped out the bathroom, hold your hand to your chest and say, “Judas Iscariot, is that you?”
He was a hypocrite
Judas claimed to be a disciple, a follower of Jesus, and most likely went around preaching to people. Then he turned around and did everything he and his besties preached against.
We don’t make the rules, but if you say you eat beans and refuse gbegiri, then you and the man who led Jesus to the grave might have something in common.
He was a thief
Politicians learnt their work from Judas. This man was treasurer of the disciples, but instead of thanking God every day for the opportunity and serving diligently, he treated the holy money like his personal stash. Now, if you ‘fapped’ pens in high school, if you keep that ₦50 change that rightfully belongs to your mother, if you also take small meat from her pot without permission, you and Judas just might be twinning.
He felt remorse
He wasn’t necessarily sorry he’d sold his oga and friends out, but he felt bad it led to Jesus’ death.
If you don’t feel any remorse at all for your bad behaviour, it simply means you’ve surpassed Judas’ level, and you’re now dining with principalities and powers.
On March 30, 2023, Nigerian Twitter woke up to a thread — an exposé on a decade-long chain of sexual blackmail, revenge porn and manipulation allegedly carried out by Terdoo Oluwadara Bendega on unsuspecting young women.
Please ladies, the abuser has changed his handle to @Terdoo/@0lvdara. Please be careful out there, ndi uwa a jo ka. https://t.co/MBbiKdc2iy
In a recently-hidden LinkedIn profile, Terdoo describes himself as an “experienced Sales and Marketing Manager with a background in Computer Science and a knack for Informed Decision Making through Data Analytics.”
LinkedIn searches confirm this account is no longer open to public view.
On social media, Terdoo is alleged to have gone by multiple aliases: [@Terdoh @WhoIsLere @Terdoo @0lvdara @Lereslut @YabaSlut @noirethedad @tiddiesandass @PervertedHost @lereslvt @cumical]. As of reporting this story, these accounts have been deactivated, making it difficult to get a solid grasp of his digital footprint at this time.
He is also active on Telegram — where most of the revenge porn videos is said to have been shared.
When did the allegations start?
While @TheNnma’s Twitter thread went viral on March 31st, the allegations started much earlier. On February 25, Terdoo’s ex identified as “Blacc” (@blaccnwyt) accessed one of his Twitter burner accounts to give her account of the abuse she endured at his hands.
These are some tweets from when his ex hacked one of his burner accounts on the day of the presidential elections. Again, stay TF away from that thing, it’s nothing but bad news. pic.twitter.com/OkXq0IL3As
Blacc claimed that Terdoo would “choke [her] till [she] was screaming for help” and that he “stole someone’s sex tapes off [her] phone to masturbate to.”
@TheNnma’s thread also mentions another woman (@tilolami) on Twitter who “has an account dedicated to Terdoo’s abuse”. Tweets from this woman point out that Terdoo’s pattern of gathering women’s nudes and sex tapes dates back to 2012.
Twitter users following the story later discovered that the same person runs the @tilolami and @TheNnma accounts. @TheNnma seems to confirm this in a separate thread.
A timeline of Terdoo’s alleged sexual offence
Terdoo is being accused of recording videos of his sexual partners without their consent and blackmailing his victims with same, or sharing these videos on social media.
According to @TheNnma, his mode of operation involves recording partners with a laptop, phone or camera that appears to be blank.
While most of the evidence shared by @TheNnma in the wake of the thread about Terdoo are from sources who’ve chosen to remain anonymous, more women have spoken up. Notably,
At the time of publication, there’s no indication that Terdoo has been invited for questioning by relevant authorities. However, the Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Agency (DSVA) has stated that they’re actively addressing the situation.
Thank you to everyone who tagged us in this thread.
We're actively addressing the issue and have already reached out to @TheNnma.
Terdoo’s former workplace, Omnibiz Africa, also released a statement confirming he’s no longer in their employ and imploring all affected parties to channel the allegations to the appropriate authorities.
Dear All,
Our attention has been drawn to allegations against a former employee of OmniBiz, Terdoo Bendega. pic.twitter.com/6WvMGItQ8A
— OmniBiz | Digitizing B2B E-commerce (@omnibizafrica) April 3, 2023
*We are unable to clarify Terdoo’s current status as he seems to have vanished from the internet. This is a developing story.
Nigerian parents have dished out their fair share of stress to their poor Nigerian kids, and it’s only fair that you retaliate. So, we made a list of seven things you can do to stress them a little bit too. Just make sure you don’t overdo it. Except you no longer want your inheritance.
Tell them you don’t want to get married
You know fully well they have your wedding day planned out in their heads. Dish them small heartbreak by announcing you want to stay unmarried for life.
Then have a baby out of wedlock
Since they’re asking you for a spouse, go one step further and give them a grandchild out of the blue. The shock will stress them, but they’ll come around.
Get a Bible-verse tattoo
You need to get a tattoo in a way that pleases God. So take a line of scripture and have it inked on your body. When they see it, they’ll be stressed out with deciding whether you’re doomed to hell or not.
Get a piercing they didn’t give you
Pierce your tongue and send them a picture of it on WhatsApp. Then, sit back and watch your phone blow up.
Dye your hair
Don’t dye it gold or brown — those are safe. You need a colour that’ll make them think you’re suffering through a quarter-life crisis. Keep the colour on for about two weeks, and if they don’t seem stressed enough, shave your head gorimapa for dramatic effect.
Send traps to the family group
If that’s not enough, take thirst traps and send them to the family group, with the caption, “outfit of the day”. But don’t try this if your parents are hypertensive, please. We’re begging.
Go missing for a while
Go out on a random day and get lost on purpose. Let them be wondering where you are while you have the time of your life with your sneaky link.
Laugh at their WhatsApp BCs
You’ve been acknowledging their WhatsApp BCs for years. That’s why they don’t stop. The next time they send one to you, record a voice note of you mocking whatever it is they sent. If they don’t block you by themselves, come and beat us.
Give them the silent treatment
Nobody hates the silent treatment like a Nigerian parent. Air them for no reason at all, and watch how confused they get as they wonder what they did that made you suddenly hate them so much.
Living in Lagos will make you believe everything is a rush and must happen now now. Any true Lagosian walks around thinking they can’t take a break or their life would crash and everything they’ve worked for would turn to dust.
I used to believe this too. It just felt like I had 10k things to do, and if I didn’t get everything done by a particular time, my world would implode. So one day, I gave up. I legit just packed everything and went outside, because if capitalism thinks it’s found another minion in me, it has another thing coming.
Which got me thinking, nothing in this life is ever that deep.
Okay, let’s not lie, some things are actually very deep. Like if I don’t get Beyonce tickets or I get kicked out of someone’s Apple Music Family Plan in this era of Meffy and his ill-mannered decisions, I’ll have to fight somebody. But things like late deliveries, work emails that won’t stop popping up like your annoying ex, and aforementioned annoying ex? Yeah, they aren’t as deep as you think, trust me.
They might feel like they are, but I promise, the deliveries will come, an hour away from those work emails won’t kill anyone, and you can tell your annoying ex to geddifok when you’re done taking a brief break from actively participating in life.
After life and capitalism showed me shege pro max, a long ass walk, some delusional words of affirmation, and a nap were all I needed to refresh.
Because believe it or not, sometimes, you need to take a step back. Take a break from all the batshit crazy things and just exist.
You’ll be existing in the middle of the chaos. But if you shut your eyes real tight and recite the lyrics to Davido’s Unavailable…
…you’ll become like John Cena. Nobody will bring themselves and their problems around you for at least two hours, even your own problems will disappear. Try it. I did, and between the joy I got from listening to Davido’s voice and the computer village dance moves I burst out, all of life’s problems disintegrated into thin air.
It worked abi?
Call us BIG Z!!!!
Sometimes, all you have to do is unsubscribe for a while, take a walk, grab brunch, listen to music. Just take a break, and smell the roses — literal or figurative, plastic or real.
You only get one chance at life, but what good is life if you’re so stressed about everything that you aren’t actually living.
HERtitude 2023 – an event for women by women – is coming!
Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.
Hi. I’m Hamda.
I’m 25, IJN. COVID stole two years of my life, so that may or may not be my actual age. I’m very crafty and hands-on. If I were a cartoon character, I’d be Bob the Builder. I illustrate, create videos, write and make outfits. I just like making shit. I think the content I create is vibes. I play a lot. I don’t take life too seriously, and I think it translates into my content. It gives off “joy”.
You have the prettiest name. Is there a story there?
This name thing! I was named after my paternal grandmother. She’s late now, and I genuinely liked her. She was so full of life. The kind of grandma who went to parties every weekend. My government name is Oladoyin Hamdallah Odukoya. I started using Hamdallah in uni because I’ve always liked my middle name, but Nigerians always mispronounce and misspell it, so I shortened it to Hamda.
Oh, I can definitely relate to that. When did you officially begin your content creator journey?
In 2021. For me it was two things: I wanted to go out more, and I wanted to document my journey. I’d heard people say I would do well as a creator because of my personality. Plus, I used to work in an agency, and the influencers’ rate cards used to wow me. I couldn’t wrap my head around how posting one video got them one million naira. So, I sat down one day and just decided I’m going to be a creator.
You’re so real for that. Do you remember your first project?
My first collaboration project was for a hair brand. They shared a promo package with me, and I’ll always remember it fondly because I felt recognised. I did an unboxing video instead of a ‘get ready with me’ and found an engaging way to tell the story.
Does what you do tie in with what you studied in school?
Nope. My parents paid school fees for me to study architecture o! I even did a masters. Last month, my uncle still called me to explain why architecture is the truth and the light, but I know I can never return to it. I quit my architecture job in 2019 because that thing was sucking my blood. I’d gotten to the point where I was dreading going to work every day. It was just depressing. I sha took a risk and quit, but the plan was to find another Architecture job. A number of interviews later, lockdown happened, and I was stuck at home. I was applying for jobs remotely, learning new architecture software — and scrolling aimlessly through social media like the rest of us.
I found content marketing by mistake. I saw one ad for digital marketing course on Instagram. I found it interesting, and it sounded like something I could do, so I applied. That was the start of my content journey.
Why did you limit “The Lagos Tourist” to Lagos?
Omo, I’ve always been within or around Lagos. I was born in Mowe, Ogun state, but my primary school was in Lagos. We used to wake up at 4:30 a.m., and my mum would drive my siblings and I to Lagos from 6:00 everyday. Lagos is home in a way. All my friends are in Lagos. I did my NYSC in Lagos. Lagos is in my blood.
I love Lagos, but omo, this city needs help. How did you catch the traveling bug?
If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “Omo, get inside,” that was me. I think it’s one of the major reasons I’m an explorer as an adult. How did I start travelling? Depression, bro. 2019 to 2020 was the most mentally draining period of my life. I just knew I needed to get outside more. It started from taking morning and evening walks, and I saw how that uplifted my mood.
I wanted to travel, but Nigeria and sapa did not allow me to be great. So, I decided to explore locally, and I began to go to different places once or twice weekly. It was generally feel-good, and it helped with my state of mind.
What are some of the best projects you’ve worked on?
The most exciting one so far was my first trip. I think I’m very sentimental about it because it was a reassurance that my community actually sees me, the way they showed up for me. We went to Omu Resort, and it was the first time I organised an event, so I kept stressing over the tiny details. But it turned out well, and I used it as a template for future trips.
Has it been smooth sailing ever since?
I still struggle with taking risks. For every major risk I’ve taken, there was some external push. It shocks me how much people believe in my skills sometimes.
What’s the most and least you’ve charged to create content?
The least I’ve gotten paid for content was ₦30k. The most I’ve charged was ₦1m.
How do you price these things?
I have a rate card that states the cost of each content format — reels, feed post, story and in-person appearance. In the end, it all boils down to negotiation between me, my manager and the client. We agree on the content type and projected timelines. I always require creative freedom because I work best when my mind is free. We send an invoice, and alert ma wole.
Have you ever regretted taking a bet on yourself with content creation?
I never really regret anything because I tend to do things with my chest. I have a coconut head, and it comes with the package. I think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made because I make more money as a content creator than from my 9-5. But I still feel like I’m just starting out. I have some structure, with two managers — a talent manager who helps with daily content and client negotiations, and an events manager who plans my trips and experiences.
Initially, I would create content blindly, but I’m finally hacking the monetisation aspect of it and how to leverage communities. I’ve not neared my peak yet.
Why is it important for you to be managed by two people?
I used to have one manager to manage me and the event side of things. But I realised how hard it was to balance. She was really great on the client management side, but the events kept suffering.
And although I’m not a fulltime creator yet, I work like one. So the pressure was a lot. I was burning out quickly, and it was telling on my work across board.
I had to hire the events manager. Now, I handle creating the actual content — scripting, shooting, video editing. One manager helps with contract negotiation, responding to mails and generally getting brands to approach “The Lagos Tourist” brand. And the other does things like location scouting and vendor management. Sometimes, we’re intertwined. Everybody chips in on content and gives feedback.
How do you stay so relatable?
I think I’ve hacked Nigerian storytelling. We like drama, we like gist — this helps me craft my scripts properly. I’m also always on social media, so I know what’s trending in the country. It’s basically just staying abreast with cultural trends and telling that story with my brand voice.
Any longterm projects we should expect?
Yes! Just know it involves plenty of group travels. I also want to delve into podcasting, but I can’t tell you much about it now because it’s still in the development phase.
What’s something you’d have done differently now that you know better?
Three things. First, I would’ve put out content on TikTok and YouTube from day one. My Instagram page growth has been amazing, but I know if I’d just repurposed the content for TikTok and YouTube shorts, I would’ve grown my page across board. Doing it now feels like a chore. Na every time my manager dey drag me.
Another thing is, I would’ve reached out for more collaborations when I first started. I’m a generally shy person even though nobody ever believes me when I say so. It was only when other creators started reaching out for collabs that I realised the importance of it. I’m still a shy girl, but I’ve been accepting more invitations and intentionally asking people whose content I resonate with for potential collabs.
The third thing I would’ve done differently is charge enough from the start. If I had been communicating with other creators, I could’ve asked them what they charged at what point. In the creator economy, nobody really knows what anybody else charges, and when you first start out, you’re never sure if you’re overcharging or undercharging. So, yeah, I definitely would’ve asked fellow creators more questions.
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If you’re sure you don’t want the stress of them having to choose between you and football all the time, get them another partner who’s a die-hard football fan so they can stop stressing you out, and everybody wins. But if you can’t deal with your boo having another boo, keep on reading.
Original football jersey
Original football jerseys are so hard to find, so getting them one would really blow their mind and make them see that you’ll do anything for them to be happy.
A plot of land
Since they love football so much, buy them a plot of land to use a football field, so they can start their own local football club. Who knows, maybe they’ll build the next Man Utd
Ticket to watch a live game
If all the support they’ve shown for their favourite team has only been over the TV, why not buy them actual tickets to a live game so they can watch their faves in action?
A shoutout from their favourite footballer
If Odumodu could do it with Declan Rice, you can do it too. All you have to do is get into a studio somewhere and record a song titled Lionel Messi, then sit back and watch everything unfold.
PS5
Yes, you’ve heard it too many times on the internet but we’ll say it again. Buy your partner a PS5 and the latest FIFA edition along with it. If they don’t shed tears of affection for you, come and fight us.
A trip to watch the premier league
Watching a live game is cute, but have you tried flying your partner all the way out to watch the entire premier league? Just try it and see how they break down in appreciation. It’s the little things that matter.
DStv subscription
Or better yet, you can pay for their DStv subscription so that when the Premier League comes back, they’ll be ready to watch it. And it won’t even cost you much because when you pay for a particular package, DStv upgrades you to the next highest package, as part of their DStv Step Up offer. Don’t say we didn’t do anything for you.
If there’s one thing Nigerians love, it’s sending wishes and greetings for everything. New month? Wishes. New week? Wishes.
We’re not saying sending greetings for a prominent event like Easter is bad, though. We’re just tired of seeing these particular ones.
Anything containing “arose/arosen”
Every Easter, the evil spirit behind typos increases its work rate and suspends everyone’s autocorrect. So for everyone’s safety, let’s just agree to stay away from the verb, “rise”.
“He has paid your debt”
If you decide to use “He” instead of “Jesus”, then my assumption that you’re referring to someone paying off my literal debt is on you. Emewiele has turned us all into money hunters. Don’t play.
“Death could not hold Christ down, so nothing will hold you down”
Please, only send this to people who’ve japa. Because plenty of things are holding us down in this Nigeria. Don’t remind us of our pain on such a joyful day.
Anything that references “Easter eggs”
Shade, did your mummy take you to Sunday school every week for you to grow up and start talking about Easter eggs? Please, keep that western nonsense out of this ethnic household. Also, bunnies are mammals, so the whole thing is definitely sus.
“Have a wonderful celebration”
Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear “celebration”, I immediately think “outside activities”. With which cash, dear?
“Wishing you renewed hope this season”
Renewed hope sounds suspiciously similar to a certain Baba Blue’s campaign slogan. It’s giving PTSD.
Anything that involves billing
Easter is a time for sober reflection, please. And no, it’s not just because there’s no money anywhere.
Who doesn’t love being alone sometimes? But being single for too long can have some hilarious consequences. From struggling to be vulnerable to not knowing how to share food, it can make dating hard for both parties.
Here are eight traits people who’ve been single for too long exhibit.
They want to do everything
Matching outfits, couple poses, couple TikToks — you name it. Every day, they’d send you something new they want you guys to try. It’s pretty cute for someone to be that excited sha. But God help you that you’re not as enthusiastic as them.
They don’t know how to share
This one is tricky because they might just be a stingy rat. But these guys have been single for so long that sharing anything, especially food, is hard for them. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to have a romantic meal together, and they’re more concerned about their own plate than spending time with you.
They still have dating apps
Someone who’s been for the streets for a long time can’t just enter a healthy relationship and leave everything behind like that. They might need it for the validation of getting matched, but e dey pain sha.
They get attached too quickly
The first date isn’t even over, and they’re already picking out aso-ebi. The moment they say, “I’ve never felt this way before. This feels different,” know it’s the five years of being single that’s talking through them.
They’re too independent
These guys will tell you their love language is acts of service but would rather die than let you do something for them.
They’ll forget you exist
They’ll forget to text to check up or ask about your day. You’d even have to keep remind them of your name. They’d go out and forget to send you their location, and you’ll just be there wondering if you’re fighting. No, dear. It’s the long-term singleness exhibiting itself.
Everything is a competition
If you try play fighting with them, they’ll nearly break your neck, because softness has been missing from their lives for a while. You want to play Whot? That’s the day the relationship will end. They’ll give you like ten “pick two”, after claiming to love you.
You’ll know more about their ex than you know yourself
From the first date, all you’ll hear is how their ex’s traits are their current deal breakers. Every two seconds, their ex’s name will come up. Dating people who’ve been single for too long isn’t for the weak.
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You know how the housemates first showed up all sexy and mysterious, and leaving everything to your imagination? That’s how you need to be with your crush. They’ll be curious about you when they’re not sure who you are, what you are, or whether or not you even have sense. The best way to do this is to not talk too much.
Flirt with them and stylishly ask if they have a partner
Not because it matters to you or because it’s going to stop you anyway. But because you need to know early on if you have competition. So flirt with them a little and start dropping lines like “I don’t want anybody to come and beat me o”.
If they do, snatch them
If they say they do, go on the offensive and snatch them. Don’t worry about the relationship they already have. That’s just collateral damage. If they don’t want to be snatched, turn the whole thing into a love triangle like Yemi did with Blue Aiva and Khosi
Become their listening ear
You need to be the person they share their deepest secrets with. So they can let you in closer and closer until they’ve let their guard down completely. Do you see the way Marvin became Yaya’s listening ear and they’re now in love even though they’re both evicted? That’s what you need to do.
Then tell them you’re related to Kiddwaya
You can get their attention by just randomly dropping it in a conversation that you’re related to Kiddwaya and you don’t really need the money.
Be a little toxic dramatic
Have someone else on the side and flirt with them in your crush’s face, so they can feel a little peppered and pay you some attention. Your side piece doesn’t even have to be in on it. Just hold their hands with your sidepiece while hugging your crush. Give them the chaotic Yoruba demon energy that’ll get them interested.
But love-bomb them with food
You already have Big Brother’s kitchen to yourself. Love-bomb them with food till they forget their sense and start following you up and down. Confusion is your primary agenda. By the time you’re done, they’ll be posting Instagram stories of food saying “eggs aren’t egging without you” like Yaya did with Marvin.
Do their laundry
Offer to wash everything they own. Yes, everything including their underwear. That way, they’re sure you’ll do anything for them. You see how Ebube and Yvonne bonded when they did their laundry together, collect all your crush’s clothes and do everything while they get carried away with the talking.
Give them your duvet
Even if they already have one, give them your duvet so they can stay warm when it’s cold. Yes, we know it’s blazing hot these days but that doesn’t matter. Cold is coming and they’ll need more than one duvet. Love is all about sacrifice.
Or just watch BBTitans on GOtv to learn all the other tips yourself
There are just too many tactics for shooting your shots and we can’t just release all of them to you like that. So, watch the BBTitans show yourself so you can learn more and have fun. It’s showing on GOtv, and you don’t want to miss it.
There’s only one week left on the show
With everything we’ve shown you here, there’s still much more to learn, and you can only do that if you watch the show itself. It’s wrapping up in a week, so hurry and watch it on GOtv so that you can step up your shot-shooting game. Also, make sure you vote for your favourite housemate this week dutring the finale. You hear us?
It’s common knowledge that if you’re born in Nigeria, life is already leading you 1 – 0. So if you somehow get to travel back in time, it’s best to just change your nationality so you don’t have to deal with all this stress to start with.
Or japa when it was still cheap
You always think “It can’t get worse than this”, until Nigeria shocks you. We’re sure there’s nobody who won’t take a chance to japa in 2012, right before this advanced level of pepper started.
Dash Lord Lugard small malaria
We’re not saying he should die o, but he should just have small malaria that’ll make him too weak to bother about forcefully amalgamating Nigeria.
Stop Meffy from becoming CBN Governor
We’d go back to the time he first got into the race for CBN governor and flog all the stupid policy ideas out of his head.
Buy many bags of rice and keep
Show us one asset that has multiplied in value more than rice has in the past few years. We’ll wait.
Buy bitcoin in 2009
Who needs a dinner with Jay Z when you can travel back to 2009 and buy like 2,000 bitcoins for less than $1. Then you come back to 2023 and retire to your village forever.
Buy dollars before it crashed
We’d be ballers by now, rolling in money that’s been rendered worthless by inflation, but ballers nonetheless.
Not study Philosophy
The country is already making you think about your life, so why would you play yourself by studying a course that’ll only make you think more? We’re sure the people who studied this course are going back to undo their mistake the first chance they get.
Use their law school fees to fund their dreams
Instead of going to law school to study to practice law in a lawless country, we’re sure some people will either eat their tuition, or use it to fund their dreams, in the hopes of becoming the next Falz.
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He’ll announce that basic bitches like us would only have access to 20 tweets per month. If you want unlimited tweets, pay for Twitter Blue. For those of us who’d finish the 20 tweets in two hours but refuse to pay, we’d finally have time to discover the cure for AIDS or come up with new creations, like a noiseless blender.
Unlimited mentions
Elon would find a way to limit the number of people you can mention in a tweet, just because he wants you to subscribe to Twitter Blue. When you see, “Tag someone who…,” you’d think twice before responding. Your new thing would be putting the person’s name instead of their @ and sending the tweet to their DMs so they can see it and reply.
Twitter Spaces
Can’t lie, I won’t mind this one because people are too quick to start spaces these days. Any small talk on the TL, and there’s a space. Let this be the problem of Blue Tick Twitter, abeg.
Quote tweets
Forget ratioing people who annoy you, because Elon would limit your ability to quote people’s tweets too. Before you know it, you’d see: “You can’t quote this tweet because you have reached your target number of quotes for the month. To quote as many tweets as you like, subscribe for Twitter Blue.”
Posting pictures
People would only be able to post one picture at a time or a certain number of pictures per month, unless they pay. Forget about monthly dumps and random screenshots of everything happening in your life.
Have followers
Yeah, that’s right. It may get to a point where people wouldn’t be able to follow you because you’ve reached the highest number of followers a free account can have. You’d wake up one day and see you’ve lost more than half your followers because our Tesla oga said we have to pay to have extra people following us.
Tweet about certain topics
I solidly stand behind this one. So that those who want to recycle the same topics every five days — who pays for dates or should women cook for men — would finally be stopped. Let them go and be a problem among the rich in Blue Tick Twitter.
Everything
The entire app would become subscription-based like Netflix or Apple Music. The way things are going, Elon will definitely ask us to pay to access the app at all. And that’s the day I’ll go back to Facebook.
It’s been years already. How do you expect God to listen to you if you haven’t moved on from the ex that showed you pepper? You’re not ready yet.
When you stop being a couch potato
Leave the house so love can finally find you. Your soulmate is on the streets, not in your kitchen.
When you stop using “am” instead of “I’m”
Learn the difference and stop putting your crush off with watery English. It’s not a good look, you know.
When you stop fighting on social media
You’re always starting arguments and getting dragged on social media. God can’t let you drag any son or daughter of his into that mess, please.
When you stop splitting the bill on dates
You keep asking people out on dates and making them pay for half of it, and you still think the problem is that God isn’t listening to you? You’re the problem, my dear.
When sapa stops being your middle name
You’re broke, and you want to find love. God is doing you a favour by making you wait. Find money first.
When you stop ghosting all the people in your DMs
What if God answered your prayers since, but you’ve just been looking in the wrong places? You need to maximise every opportunity to find love because heaven only helps those who help themselves.
When you start paying attention to your friendzone
You’ve probably met your future spouse, but you’ve kept them in your friendzone because you want to avoid distractions. If we hear “God, when?” from you one more time, we’ll fight you.
It’s about a week to Easter, and while 9-5ers everywhere are whispering a collective thank you to the god of public holidays, I’m wondering, “Why do we have to wait four months for a public holiday?”
Well, I’m here to preach the gospel of monthly public holidays to boost productivity, and these seven reasons will convince you too.
We see too much shege
Nigerians living in Nigeria are exposed to a unique brand of shege every month. If it’s not electricity issues, it’s using more money to buy your own money, or chopping disgrace at the hands of Nigerian banks. The point is, we don’t just go through a lot, we’re always in a lot. How can we get any work done when our heads are always hot?
We’ll need more money
More public holidays equal more time and money spent on fun, outside activities. We’ll go broke faster and need to work even more to get more money to spend again. Vicious cycle, but at least, it works for capitalism.
Less time spent dreaming of public holidays
Listen, every 9-5er dreams about the next public holiday, at least once every week, and that translates to precious man hours wasted. If we knew the next holiday was coming soon, we wouldn’t dream about it too much.
Weekends are a joke
How does working for five days and “resting” for two make sense to anyone? It’s giving slavery, and our ancestors already went through that. Plus, no one actually gets to rest fully on the weekends. If you want us to work, allow us to recharge properly.
We’d tell fewer lies
Not that I have any experience in this, but some people take “sick” leave just to stay away from work for a bit. If we had more holidays, we’d spend less time looking for creative lies to tell just to rest.
We might actually look forward to working
Who knows, maybe knowing a holiday is just around the corner is the push some of us need to do more than open two emails every day.
Even generators need servicing
You wouldn’t leave your generator on for three months without stopping to service it, would you? Then, why do it to human beings? Is it a crime to be an adult in this country?
You need someone to bring along who’ll remind you about all the stress you ran away from. That way, you won’t be eager to come back. You’re here for soft life only.
Clear your schedule
If you check your schedule well, it’s screaming stress. Drop some things off so you can see clearly and plan a proper getaway.
Quit your job
If your schedule can’t be cleared, your employer is most likely to blame. You need to call and tell them, “E go be”. Kill your employment before it kills you.
Go on Instagram one last time
If you need motivation for your getaway, go on social media and see how everyone on your timeline is travelling and living their best life. That should give you enough morale to take yours seriously.
Then get off social media
Now that you’re motivated, get off social media and face the getaway squarely. Your weekend is about to be soft. Don’t let Twitter gist ruin it for you.
Find a hotel to stay
You need a soft place to stay. Somewhere that makes it easy for you to forget everything you’re running away from. And we hear Aura by Transcorp Hotels is the right platform for this. The upgraded bookings platform makes it easy for you to book hotels, homes and experiences, and soon make flexible payments.
Book a flight
You can’t start the special weekend caught up in traffic. It’s off-brand for the kind of softness you need. Book a flight instead so you can move from comfort to even more comfort.
If you’re like me, you’ve been in a K-drama slump since 2022 K-dramas decided to break our collective hearts. So we had to do some digging, and we discovered nine 2023 K-dramas worth watching that’ll fix that slump. If they don’t, come and fight us.
“Agency”
A woman who loves money works her way up to becoming the first female executive in a major advertising agency. Agency is perfect for fans of movies with strong and ambitious female leads, like Search WWW.
“Poong, the Joseon Psychiatrist” Season 2
It’s a lighthearted series about medical practitioners in the Joseon era. This is the second season, and they’re finally focusing on the blossoming romance between Se-poong and Eun-woo. Watch this for a good laugh.
“Crash Course in Romance”
Secret Sunshine’s Jeon Do-yeon and Hospital Playlist’s Jung Kyung-ho star in this drama about two people who are like oil and water. She’s a cheerful former pro athlete who now runs a small store selling side dishes. He’s a celebrity maths teacher who’s always grumpy. Somehow, their lives get tangled up. Their love story will have you hooked.
“Can We Be Strangers?”
A legal drama that marks Kang So-ra’s comeback from Warm and Cozy as a legendary divorce lawyer who happens to be a divorcee herself. She meets her lawyer ex-husband again when they become colleagues at the same law firm. What could go wrong? Everything.
“Kokdu: Season of Deity”
Kim Jung-hyun and Im Soo-hyang team up for a fantasy romance about a man who was turned into a grim reaper as punishment for his sins. Now, he possesses a human who looks just like him every 99 years. It’s sweet, it’s fantasy, and it’s romantic.
“Love to Hate You”
A comedy about two people who don’t believe in love. One’s an entertainment lawyer, and the other is an A-list actor. Add a dating contract agreement and the chaotic celebrity life, and it’s every romcom lover’s dream series.
“The Heavenly Idol”
A fantastical tale that involves body swapping and devil fighting. Kim Min-kyu plays a high priest with divine powers who wakes up in the body of an unpopular idol from the band, Wild Animals.
“Taxi Driver 2”
For fans of action-packed drama, Taxi Driver 2 is about a former special force captain who acts as an ace for a secret vigilante service. Who doesn’t love a good vigilante drama?
We used to think village people were the problem, and for a period, they might have been. But now, it’s artificial intelligence (AI). While you’re crying and fighting PHCN, shitty internet providers and all the many weapons Nigeria has fashioned against you, your employer is asking ChatGPT to write a draft of your termination letter.
So instead of dragging a job with AI, why don’t you just find something it can’t steal?
So as AI is coming for our jobs, what we doing next guys?
Even if you don’t agree, your Nigerian parents have you as their retirement plan. So maybe it’s time to consider having kids who’ll send you monthly allowances for bringing them to life. The only thing AI will get from Nigerians is unending requests because hospitals don’t have enough space for women’s antenatal, talkless of AI’s.
Pro: You’ll reap the fruits of your labour literally.
Do you know how much people make from selling akara? Sure AI can write a 1500-word article from a single prompt, but you see that roadside akara recipe? It can only be passed down through generations. So get a small space in front of your house, and people will come and beg you to take their money in exchange for hot oily akara.
Pro: You’ll only have to work mornings and evenings, and people will pay you in cash.
If we’ve seen anything these past few months, it’s that POS people are the real ballers. They don’t just make you beg them to take your money, they’re also quick to change it for you if you try nonsense. So while AI can tell you where the money is, only POS people possess the power needed to actually dispense the cash.
Pro: Everybody will be rushing you
Con: You may have to sleep overnight at the bank to get cash
Become a bridesmaid or groomsman for hire
With the number of owambes in Nigeria, this cash cow is waiting to be discovered. Even if you don’t want a wedding, try burial ceremonies; at least you’ll finally be able to put all your tears to good use. The best part is AI will even give you ideas on how to land new clients, because that’s its job.
Whether you want to be a politician or an agbero aid, it doesn’t matter. Just have a structure, and you’re good to go. You think AI can compete with the photoshopping, church tours, snatching of ballot boxes or any of the craziness that goes on in Nigerian politics? Lol, AI is all about living the soft life inside behind a screen so it’ll leave all that drama for you to deal with.
Pro: You don’t even have to do any work
Con: They’ll constantly drag you online
Become a babalawo
This job requires little capital; just get a red cloth, black eyeliner, white chalk,a mirror and throw in some cowries for a little razzle-dazzle. We’d like to see an AI attempt to turn someone into a tuber of yam or harvest the left testicle of a mosquito to use for money rituals.
Pro: You can punish all your haters Con: You’re always a step away from madness
Until I started writing this article, I didn’t realise just how much Korean K-drama has taught me. This is your cue to watch your next K-drama without subtitles. Your brain secretly understands what they’re saying, we promise. This mini-dictionary is for non-fans.
Saguek
A Korean historical drama, usually set in the Joseon era.
Oppa
Younger women use this word as a cute way to refer to their older brothers or boyfriends.
Chaebol
Dirty, “will buy your family’s silence”, stinky rich businessmen who are also always the bad guys or the ones paying the bad guys.
Second lead syndrome
When the second male lead has more chemistry with the female lead than the main male lead, so you start rooting for him instead. It always ends in tears.
Makjang
You know those dramas with unnecessarily exaggerated or weird plot twists? This is how we describe them. *Coughs The Penthouse: War In Life series.
Hallyu
Nollywood is Nigeria what Hallyu is to Koreans. Or better still, popular Korean culture.
Kimchi slap
Back in the good old K-drama days, you couldn’t watch a K-drama without someone getting slapped with a kimchi covered hand.
Noona
Term of endearment for older sisters. Or a younger man can use it to refer to his older girlfriend.
Ahjumma
It means “older woman”, but is mostly used to describe those nosey-ass older female characters in K-drama.
OST
Everyone knows OST means the “original soundtrack” of a drama. But it’s particularly popular in K-drama because it usually features popular K-pop artists.
Saranghae
This means “I love you” in Korean. It’s usually followed by a finger heart or those big full-body ones.
Soju
The principality and powers in alcohol form Koreans drink like water in K-drama.
PPL
Product placement in a drama. If you’re a K-drama fan who uses a Samsung, I’m not saying it’s years of conditioning, but hmm. PPL is basically that shameless but craftily hidden brand promo in a K-drama.
Jjimjilbang
This is a Korean bathhouse. Characters go there to relax, wearing matching sets provided by the establishment. Fights or love at first sight usually start here.
Ajusshi
This is how Koreans refer to older men. These characters are usually ill-tempered or very nice and wise. No inbetween.
Yeobo
This is the Korean version of “Honey”, the popular married couple endearment.
Hanbok
This is the traditional Korean clothing often seen in historical K-dramas.
Geunyang
This means “Just because”. Sometimes, things happen just because, and you don’t want to have to explain it, so you say, “Geunyang”. Mostly used by K-drama mums when their pissed with their kids.
Aigoo
Characters use this to express regret, disappointment or annoyance. It translates to “Oh my goodness”.
Pabo
You know how we call foolish people “Ode”? Well this is the Korean equivalent.
Daebak
This is basically the Korean version of “Ehen”. Depending on your tone, it can be an exclamation of excitement, amazement or disbelief.
PaliPali
This just means “hurry up”. Especially when the character in question is being rushed so all their books can fall out of their bag just so they can meet the love of their life.
Melo
Short for “melodrama”. When K-drama fans watch a really emotional drama, they refer to it as a melo.
Umbrella scene
It’s not a romantic K-drama without the scene where the male lead protects the female lead from the rain by giving her his umbrella. Bonus point if it’s yellow.
Healing drama
A drama that brings you so much comfort you just know you’ll end up rewatching it for years to come. A lot of 2022 dramas had that energy.
“Fighting!”
Usually pronounced “Hwiting!” This is how characters encourage each other. It can mean “I believe in you” or “You can do this”. It’s always so emotional to hear them say this.
Nigerian parents like to say, “You can tell me anything”, then turn around and use what you say against you. In case you’re new to their game, this also applies to the people you introduce to them.
You might think you’re just being a good child, but introduce these seven people to your parents at your own risk.
Your employer
Sure, it’s just introducing the person who gives you your daily bread to the people who brought you into this world. But answer this: what happens when you run crying to your parents about your boss, and they decide to call or visit them to hash things out? How will you explain yourself at the office?
Your partner who isn’t really your partner
Your sneaky link, your fling, that person you’ve been following around town who has refused to label things because they’re shy. Take them to your parent’s house, and prepare for the hounding to come. Every time your parents see you, they’ll ask about “what’s their face”, and you’ll have to hide your face.
Your best friend’s parents
You might think it’s cute to get both parents to know each other. Lies. They’ll only join forces and tag team you and your best friend. We’re not saying you should deprive your parents of a great friendship in their old age. We’re saying, prepare yourself.
Your plug
Your parents already have their plug for everything in life, but the second you introduce them to yours, it’s over for you. Their plug will suddenly stop existing, and yours will become the best thing since gizdodo. Worse yet, your plug will dump you entirely for them because they know who has the deeper pocket. Fun fact: it’s not you.
That friend
You know the one with the tattoos and piercings even your elder ones with tattoos and piercings would look twice at? Yeah, it’s best to keep them away from your parents for your sanity.
Some colleagues shouldn’t know your house. Not because they’re horrible people, but because they hold secrets in their back pockets, like where you go after work or what you do during your lunch break. If you work at Zikoko, it could be because your colleagues are batshit crazy.
Your neighbour
So you’ve moved out of your parent’s house, and they decided to come see you at your new place. We have one piece of advice for you: keep your neighbours away, especially the overly friendly ones. One second, they’re greeting your mother. The next, they’re exchanging contacts, and she’s calling them every time she can’t reach you. Now, everyone in your neighbourhood calls you mummy’s baby.
As a single person, my brain isn’t clouded by love. I can think clearly, which is why I know all you relationship people are not okay. Because how do these 10 sayings make y’all fall in love?
I’m stuck with you
You’ll never be stuck with me IJN. Please, when it’s not like we’re twins. If somebody richer than you comes around, we will become unstuck. Don’t worry.
Your body is a temple, and I want to worship you
When there’s an RCCG branch one minute away from your house? Your priorities aren’t straight, I see.
I can’t live without you
Please, try harder. How were you living before we met? Does your mother know you’re telling people things like this? Does Jesus know?
Eat for me
Or what? Will you faint? I don’t understand, do you live in my stomach? Answer me fast.
Let me take care of you
I can take care of myself, please. Do I give broke vibes because why did you think it was okay to say that?
You’re the apple of my eye
I’ve never seen an apple inside any eye before o. Quite frankly, if you have an apple in your eye you should see an optician.
I want to marry you
No Jide, you just met me. You don’t want to marry me, you just have mummy issues.
I want to put a baby in you
This is a threat and should be reported to the nearest police. Where will you find the baby? Are you into kidnapping? Double arrest.
I want to eat you work
Eh? Cannibalism? EFCC, INEC, NAFDAC, arrest this person, please. Maybe if you had actual work to do, you won’t be looking for work to eat.
I love you
We don’t have proof yet, but love is a chemical imbalance of the brain. Somebody doesn’t text you for one second and you can’t eat? Is that one normal? Abeg, talk another thing. Have you tried finding a hobby? It gives the same dopamine , I promise.
Everyone wants to sound agreeable, even when it’s not how they really feel. Even your most-used email sign-offs aren’t safe from the eye service drama.
But what do they say about you? Let’s get into it.
Yours sincerely
Grandma, is that you? Anyone who still ends emails with this is probably stuck in the middle ages AND is part of the WhatsApp group of people who believe any time rain falls on a sunny day, a lion is giving birth.
Best regards
You’re just working because you have a thing against living under the bridge. You’re also tired of capitalism, but you’ve gotten to the age when you’ve learnt to accept it as the necessary evil it is.
Regards
You think every meeting should’ve been an email, but when they become emails, you don’t reply unless you absolutely have to. I respect it.
Cheers
You lowkey don’t like your coworkers or even the idea of work, but you have to look alive for the culture. You also tend to exhibit Nigerian-parent “put it on my head” behaviour.
Thanks in advance
You’ve spent far too much time applying for jobs. It’s giving “I look forward to hearing from you”, but hey, your Nigerian mother would love that you’re so respectful at work.
Enjoy the rest of your day
You’re either a really nice person who genuinely cares about people, or you work in customer service, and you honestly don’t give a damn about anybody.
Best
You have zero patience. Your mantra is probably, “Try me and see”. Chances are you’re also a firstborn.
Please, accept the assurance of my highest regards
Are you contesting for a political post, or what’s happening here? I’ve only ever seen this sign-off in emails from government ministries. If you use it, I’m tempted to say you’re a corrupt detty liar.
[Your name]
It’s giving “main character”. Why waste time using sign-offs when they only need to know the name behind the greatness they just read?
Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.
I’m a person of many names. Some know me as Sasha, Nosa, Saz or Zemi/Zemee, and I might add another one to spice things up a bit. But I haven’t really thought it through yet. I’m a filmmaker, writer, digital collager, photographer, explorer and lover of food and films.
Oh, I do. The first ones that come to mind are anything by Celine Sciamma. She’s a French filmmaker. She made Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Tom Boy and Girlhood. I like Persona by Ingmar Bergman, one of my newer favourite movies. I love Jennifer’s Body and Kajillionaire.
Dying because I only know three of those. How did you fall in love with films?
I was surrounded by books because my mum loved reading. She was an English professor. We were also surrounded by movies in the same way. My siblings and I were also raised by an older relative, and she liked films. We used to go across the street to rent them. I remember borrowing Little Mermaid, Sound of Music and many others.
Films became an escape for me, and I think, for my siblings too. Because we moved around a lot, it became our one constant thing. Wherever you go, you see the same thing on TV. It was nice to have that locus of control. My siblings and I used to critique movies a lot. We’d talk about how their accents were too forced, things they could’ve done differently and all. But I didn’t really know it was something I’d make. There was even a time I wanted to be an actress, something I’m still hoping to explore in the future.
I saw your cameo in your movie, Ixora. Was that your acting debut?
That wasn’t supposed to happen. We needed more extras, and my co-director, Nengi, was like, “Go in there, Saz.” My best friend, Lotanna, gave me clothes, and I was just like, “You know what? Maybe it’s meant to be”. I did a little dancing in the club scene. And that was it.
Did you study something related to what you’re doing now?
I studied sociology in school, and I was planning to be a lawyer. I honestly think everything I’ve studied and experienced helps me to be a filmmaker. Sometimes when I go through certain things, I’m like, you know what? It’s good for the cinematic experience. So yeah, sociology helped me understand how human beings create structures, what these structures mean to them, how it affects them, and how they control the structures. And with film, it’s kind of the same thing, because you are trying to replicate different structures, and just experimenting with what these structures can do. It was definitely helpful.
What was your first moviemaking experience like?
My first film was for a cultural club I was part of in university. I was the communications coordinator, and we needed to promote an event. So I decided to make a series of three short films. It didn’t require money. It was just my phone, my friends and then uploading on social media.
The first planned film I made and released is Anwuli, which means “joy”. That was when I really started to realise that making films is not a solitary experience. You need to reach out to people and push boundaries. I used to do everything myself: record, direct, sound. But then I just realised I needed other people. Someone showed me how I could connect with people on Facebook.
For instance, a director wants to make a movie but doesn’t know how to write, and a writer doesn’t know how to direct but wants to be involved in making movies. Everybody just tries to work together to create something and grow their careers. It’s a community of people who just want to create work with little to no money involved. So the budget for my first film was maybe $300. I was working a 9-5 around that time. I just asked my friends to act, and I worked with a community of people just looking to make work.
Afterwards, I was like, “I had to pay people”, so I decided to increase my budget a bit. The more I create things, the more I realise filmmaking is very expensive. Financing is the hardest part of filmmaking.
In Ixora’s end credits, I noticed you were the writer, co-director and co-producer. Was it exhausting?
I like writing. I like being able to bring to life the vision I have when I’m writing, so directing comes naturally. While I’m writing, I’m already thinking about who would fit which role. Even if it’s hard, I don’t consider giving up filmmaking. It doesn’t feel like it’s taking anything away from me. It feels like an extension of me.
Some of the cast and crew of Ixora
You’re a writer who likes to write? Wow
Of all three — writing, producing and directing — writing can be the hardest. I’ve come to understand my process, so that makes it look easy. I can do it, but it’s not easy. When someone hears you’re a writer, they feel you can just wake up one morning and write a book. I wish I could do that. But it requires a process. And the process is not just writing; it’s everything from experience to reading to watching things. Playing is part of the process. All of them are the ingredients that produce writing.
Does writing your own movies make it easy for you to bring your vision to life?
Definitely. I’ve directed other people’s work before, and it’s harder because you’re not in that person’s head. Yet when I produce what I direct and wrote, it doesn’t come out 100% the way I want it because I still have actors who can bring a different (sometimes better) vision.
This happened in Ixora. I had a vision of what I wanted out of the characters, but our main character, played by Dafna, brought a different quality to Izi’s character. It felt like she was reintroducing me to this character I made up. So yes, it’s easier to direct my own work, but it doesn’t necessarily mean my vision will come out the way I want it. It’s like, this is what you want, but keep an open mind that I might come out differently, better even.
How many films have you created so far?
I’d say roughly 10, including music videos. I’m still writing new ones and some are in production.
Do you have any favourites?
My first film, Anwuli, is a fave. It’s so beautiful. The production process was easy. The only thing I don’t like about it is the sound quality. I wish the volume was a bit lower, and some of the audio parts were crisper. But I love the music. It was an original composition by a Ukrainian composer I met online — Myroslav Melymuk.
Carmilla is another favourite. It was just a fun thing to make. Another one I really like is Baby, This Is How You Break Open. When I feel down sometimes, I go back to watch it. If I want to process an experience or emotion, an efficient way for me to do it is to make a film.
Oh, it shows. Ixora had me in my feelings. What was the process like?
It was shot in two days, but it was supposed to be three. If you come with that “It will work” mentality, sometimes, it means giving yourself extra room for surplus. If we had another day, there was a scene I wish we could’ve added, but we were constricted for time.
My friend wanted us to make a film, so I brought a draft, but they did not feel it. It wasn’t clear enough. I wrote another one two months later, based on a conversation I had with myself about women’s bodies and how they present them. I wanted answers, and somehow, I translated this dialogue into characters That was it.
The next thing was casting. I already knew who would play the two main characters. Next was financing. We tried to apply for grants. But we didn’t get any, so we put filming off for a bit. Later, we were just like, “Let’s do what we can with what we have”. Me alongside my co-proucer and friend contributed money, and everyone else was briefed on how much we were working with. We practised a lot. Shout out to everybody for putting in the work.
And are you getting paid to make films yet?
I’m getting paid now.
When I made Ixora, I wasn’t. Baby, This is How You Break Open costs zero naira to make. We didn’t spend much on Carmilla. We had to pay for a ₦3k location and bought a few costumes like the dress and scarf — it only had one character after all. I think we spent under ₦5k. Although we paid to host it on a website at one time, but it wasn’t expensive. Ixora is the most expensive movie my friends and I funded. I don’t remember how much it was.
How much are your movies making now?
They haven’t made any money yet. When Ixora gets on a streaming platform, the team will benefit. But for now, it hasn’t made money. That’s another misconception people have about filmmakers. They assume you’re balling. Depending on your background, filmmaking requires a lot of work that might not be financially reciprocated, and you have to be patient with that.
Do you think you’ll ever do a mainstream movie?
Yes, it’s something I’d like to do. I’m working on two documentaries now. I’ve written romance and done music videos. I’m openminded when it comes to filmmaking and storytelling. The content interests me even more than the genre.
You’ve mentioned a French director. Are there other people or things that influence you?
Life itself influences me a lot. I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences, and that alone makes creating fun and easier. I like exploring films in different genres because they open my mind to questions I want to answer, and I can answer them in my own work. One of my latest unreleased films is a response to Persona by Ingmar Bergman. I’m influenced by music, quotes from poetry books, experiences, experiences, experiences.
Most filmmakers have a signature thing they do in their movies. Do you have that yet?
According to people, yes. I like to have pidgin in my work. And I like a level of playfulness. I don’t do this intentionally, but there’s always some emotion that’s highlighted when you watch something I make, whether it’s happiness, empathy or curiosity.
I’m not even sure I want a pattern. The films I make are a reflection of where or who I am, and people evolve. What I make will also evolve.
What fun things do you do when you’re not busy making films in your head and in real life?
I really like to experience where I am. When I’m in Lagos, I like to experience Lagos. Recently, a friend of mine wanted to visit someone in a convent, and because I’d never been to one, I went with him. I just like to experience different aspects of life. I like eating, watching films and digital collaging — putting together fragments of images to create something different.
Are there some skills you feel filmmakers and writers should have to be able to create quality work?
Emotional intelligence is very important. Being able to tell a story in a way that’s respectful to characters and the people they represent. Patience is important, but a lack of patience is also important. It’s okay to wait for something, but sometimes, you have to actively go after it too. For methods? I’m not a stickler. I enjoy seeing different methods at work. Compatibility is also important in filmmaking.
You make the process sound like smooth sailing. Have you never had a clash with people you work with?
I haven’t had issues on set. Communication is important. As sets get bigger, you get to deal with more complications. You just have to figure it out. It’s good to work with people you’re compatible with on set.
Do you have any favourite career moments so far?
I like hearing people tell me they like my work, explaining perspectives even I who wrote it never saw. The story has gone beyond me. It’s out there, and other people are sharing it. In terms of milestones, it was nice to have Ixora and Carmilla show at S16, and just see people connect with it and talk about it. It was nice to see everybody involved getting celebrated. Having my films shown at several festivals last year was nice.
Are there projects you’re working on that we should be expecting?
The next project I’ll release is an experimental film. Beside that, I made a music video for an artist, it’ll be out soon. Longterm, I want to make feature films. I’d love to work with Celine Sciamma, Love and Basketball star, Sanaa Lathan, and Genevieve Nnaji. There are some people I want to work with but I also don’t want to work with them because I just want to watch them. In a way that I appreciate filmmakers’ capacity to create and my ability to experience their creations.
At some point, my goal was to create films with an optimistic narrative for queer people, and I still want to do that, but I also want to tell stories that experiment with what can be. This involves a level of absurdism. I want to continue to create things that make people feel something.
Have you watched any film and wished you were the one who made it?
Love and Basketball I was 13 or 14 when I watched it. I still think with film it’s not impossible. I don’t think it’s an industry where you can only wish you could create something. You always have the space to do that. I can decide to make a film based on Love and Basketball. My character could be queer and find love. I’m not sure if what she had with Quincy was love or not; I would explore her relationship with Gabrielle Union’s character or Sidra instead of him.
I’d have liked to make Nneka, the Pretty Serpent and Suicide Mission. I’d have made them more playful but scary still.
If you have any sort of street credibility or are even a bit familiar with the streets of Nigerian Twitter, chances are your sentences are peppered with Nigerian slangs.
But do you know the meaning of some of them? Are you saying them right? That’s what we’re about to find out.
Trabaye
You might think to “trabaye” means to “shayo or enjoy your life”. It kinda does, but it mostly means to “misbehave or get intoxicated as a result of taking hard drugs”. It got popularised by Portable’s hit, Zazuu.
Gbemi de be
Translated into English, it says, “Take me there”, but it has a similar meaning to “trabaye” — to get high on drugs — so you might not want to repeat it in front of your Nigerian mother.
Let him cook
Don’t lie. You probably saw this on Twitter and concluded it means to drag someone. It does, but an important difference is, the dragger is the person “cooking” (usually with insults or mocking words) the “draggee”. You can also say the draggee is being “cooked”.
Rizz
This one is still new with the Gen Z community, so if you see it, don’t get confused. It’s culled from “charisma” and refers to one’s skill in charming a potential romantic partner.
This one became popular because of Tinubu, and now, most people just use it to refer to him. It’s not his nickname, though. Translated into English, it means “It’s my turn”, so feel free to use it when you want to fight for your right. Preferably not on social media sha, because someone will no-doubt “cook” you.
[Insert name] snapped
According to people who invented English, to snap means to get angry, so I don’t blame you if you think that too. But according to the rules of slang, it means you did a great job or you “killed” an outfit. Similar to: “You ate and left no crumbs”.
Ajé (Pronounced Ahh-Jay)
This is typically used in “Ajé, you dey motivate me”, and for the longest time, I wondered why. For context, “Ajé” is Yoruba for “money/wealth”, but in this slang, it means “Honestly” or “I swear”. It came from how Yorubas use the word to swear and prove their honesty.
Pepper don set
I can’t be the only one who thought this slang meant something like: “the gossip is ready”. Apparently, it means “money is here in abundance”, and it’s time to party.
Bonus: Trenches
You should already know this, but “trenches” is a slang term for the ghetto or tough situations. You could say you came from the trenches if you came from a poor background.
The risks are just too many. They might shade you, air you or even post your DMs for a few likes and retweets. Just save yourself the stress and focus on real life. But if you must do it by-fire-by-force, continue reading.
Do your research
Do your research so you know what you’re getting into. Don’t just slide into their DMs or make a confession based on how you feel? It’s the fastest way to shed hot tears. Are they loud on the internet? Do they have a circle? Do they get dragged every Thursday? Do they normally move mad? These are the important questions.
Check their “media” section
This one has to be separate so you get the point. Check their media to know if they’re boo’ed up or not. You don’t want to be confessing your feelings to somebody’s partner. Unless you’re sure you can trigger their release clause sha, then carry on.
Don’t be a creep
This one should be pretty self-explanatory, but if they don’t like you or want to talk to you, move on. You won’t die, I promise.
Do it from a burner account
So that when your shot shooting starts to look embarrassing, you can always disappear into thin air. It would look like you never existed.
If it goes well, come back and tell us
You can’t bag your Twitter crush and not come back a year later to do, “How it started vs How it’s going”. There are rules to these things.
Pray to God
Whether or not you follow all these rules, there’s a chance your shots will fail dramatically. As they say on the streets, “Ticket wey go cut, go cut”. Just pray the universe aligns with the shots you’re shooting, or else, you’ll see shege.
So if you must go to the club, here’s what you should do there.
Take selfies
Instead of jumping up and down in the name of dancing, how about you do something more productive, like find your perfect angle? Or even learn how to take a proper selfie?
Photograph your woman
How do you want to take unaware pictures and videos of your partner if you get carried away having fun?
Pray
If Daniel could pray in the lion’s den, what’s small amapiano that it’d stop you. Get on your knees and thank God for rain, joy and sunshine.
Make up stories
The only thing Nigerian men like more than eating free food is telling lies. So top up your reservoir of lies because practice makes perfect.
Get on social media
You have to be on guard to make sure your babe doesn’t post anything that can cause issues between you and your girlfriend.
Build your network
You have to surround yourself with like-minded people. So instead of popping bottles and partying, walk up to other interesting men and strike up a conversation. Talk about your purpose, business or God even.
Talk about football
Find a group of guys and ask them, “Messi vs Ronaldo?”
Share hoe-stories
Dancing may be fun, but sharing personal sex stories is even more fun. Try it and see.
Do a squat-off
While the women are twerking, their men should show off their own leg strength by seeing who can do the most squats in a row.
Fornicate
Go to a corner of the room to have your quiet time. But This should be the last resort, after you’ve tried everything else.
Since Derin was a child, he’d heard things about the shadows. He’d heard that people lived in them, that your shadow is actually alive. He’d also heard that the gust of wind you sometimes felt on your neck, the one that made all the hairs on your skin stand and made you pause for a second to look around, was a shadow person passing by.
If he was being honest, he thought that was all ridiculous. But the most ridiculous of them all was the one his grandmother kept talking about. She’d lean on her cane, bend to his height, all traces of her gummy smile gone with nothing but fear in her teary eyes when she whispers, “My child, your shadow is alive. Protect yourself. Don’t let him eat you alive.”
Derin never took her seriously. Especially not after he’d heard his mother recount her death, something about her violently shaking in his grandfather’s arms, crying blood and dying on him. His mother always told the story with gratitude laced in her words. But nothing about his grandmother’s violent death and subsequent resurrection inspired gratitude in Derin’s heart. It actually made him think they were a little bit loony. But God forbid he told the women the truth.
Derin had gotten off work really late at night, wishing for capitalism to crumble and a glucose guardian to have pity on him. He’d just gotten past his estate gate and was taking the short way home when he felt it, the gust of wind, except it wasn’t really a gust, more like a whisper. It felt like someone was breathing down his neck with one nostril.
Now, Derin’s never been the type to stay and wait for danger, so he did the only reasonable thing. He shook his head and walked, fast. But there’s a saying:
It felt like the whisper of wind was following him, moving from one side of his neck to the other. He picked up his steps and walked into the nearest light cast by a lone lamppost at the end of the street. That was when he saw him. The man under the hood, his entire being hidden in black. He walked by quickly, turning to look at Derin with a wide-ass grin on his face.
Derin had never run so fast in his life.
He ran all the way home and locked his doors and windows. He brought out the rosary tucked underneath his pillow, saying a quick prayer. But he couldn’t get the man’s grin out of his head; how much it looked like his grandmother’s. He remembered the story of his grandmother’s death and resurrection, her shaky voice warning him of what lies in the shadows.
Now that Derin thought about it, he couldn’t get the man’s lack of a shadow out of his head, or the feeling that he wasn’t really alone in his bedroom. But tomorrow’s a new day, and he still had to go to work to answer, “Yes sir” as he’s been paid to, so he turned on the lamp on the right side of his bed, laid facing it and went to sleep.
One by one, they stepped out of the shadows, a sickening grin similar to the hooded man’s on their faces. And that was when the severing started. The hooded man stepped out of the darkness and stood behind Derin, staring at his shadow.
First, it was the fingers, and then the shadow moved his hand while Derin lay still in bed. Then the legs gave way. The left half of Derin’s shadow moved away from his body and lay flat on his bed for a second. Then it rushed back into him and the vibrations started. Derin tossed and turned all over the bed, shaking rigorously. Finally, he laid flat, his back on the bed, and the bleeding started. Derin lay there, bleeding out from his eyes and nose, as the shadow men returned to the darkness.
Derin had gotten off work really late. He’d just skipped past his estate gate and was taking the short way home when he heard it, the howl in the wind. It made him excited and giddy.
He walked past the lone lamppost at the end of the street, and that was when he saw him. The man under the hood, his entire being hidden in black. He walked by slowly, taking his time, like he was counting every single step, and then, he turned to look at Derin with a wide-ass grin stuck on his face. Only this time, Derin responded with a matching grin, turned around and walked into the night, his shadow nonexistent.