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This is the best way to blend in with the crowd. They won’t notice you’re not spraying if you’ve already spent money on their ₦50k lace.
Pretend to be the official photographer
Carry a camera around and take on the role of the official wedding photographer. People will assume you’re too busy capturing moments to participate in the spraying ritual.
Claim that you’ve gone cashless for the day and proudly show off your empty wallet. Insist that you’re fully committed to the digital payment evolution and cannot participate in the spraying tradition.
If you can’t blend in with the “haves” in your aso-ebi, find a cozy spot near a wall, somewhere secluded, or even under the tablecloth. Once the spraying starts, fade into the background and become one with the furniture.
Find big gym bros to shield you from any attempts to make you spray. It might cost you, but whatever the cost, we’re sure it’ll be lower than senselessly spraying mint cash all day.
Fuel scarcity and exchange rate aside, City Boy is the rave of the moment and everybody wants to be him.
We know it’s impossible to match the work rate of the interior designers in Aso Rock, but what’s that thing they say about trial and error? Exactly, let’s go.
Broom
Forget the national portrait. Hang this on the wall in your living room and everyone will know where you belong.
Corn
Tis’ the era of the corn, the only potpourri that should be in your house is one of corn seeds. You can add essential oils for that extra scent.
Buy a pair of Jigi Bola
We won’t tell you where to put this. Just make sure you have it somewhere in your house because how else will you see shege in 3D?
Paint everywhere blue
Blue seems to be your new president’s favourite colour. Paint your entire house blue, it might get sad from time to time, but you’ll be fine. Don’t ask how I know.
Portrait of the first lady
We know Bobo Chicago probably has it in his Aso Rock room. This portrait will reignite your love if you’re married and inspire you to find the LOYL if you’re single.
Portrait of the Iyaloja aka first daughter
You need her brand of audacity to survive the current administration. Hang this at the entrance of your home.
Cutlass and hoe
Source: InfoGuide
Farming is going to make a major comeback in this administration. Use it to represent and motivate your people at home.
Zikoko walks into a filling station. After struggling through the horde of people and sustaining scratches, they make their way into a dark office building.
Unknown voice: psstt
[Zikoko looks around, searching for the source of the sound]
Unknown voice: psstt psstt
[Zikoko squints in the dark then reaches for the light switch]
Unknown voice: Don’t turn it on.
[Then, Zikoko sniffs]
Zikoko: Fuel? Is that you? Thank you so much for agreeing to this. I’m so honoured to meet you. Everyone is looking for you right now.
Fuel: Shhhh.
Zikoko: *whispers* What? What is it?
Fuel: They’re after me.
Zikoko: Who?
[Fuel points outside]
Zikoko: Oh yeah. They just want to make sure you’re available.
Fuel: They want to use me.
Zikoko: Well, that’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?
Fuel: …
Zikoko: I mean, it’s not like they’re asking for much. They just want something light. You know you’re what keeps them going.
Fuel: Whose side are you on?
Zikoko: Hmm?
Fuel: Are you working for them too?
Zikoko: Working for who? Relax. You called for this interview, remember?
Fuel: Yes, that’s right.
[Starts sobbing]
I’m sorry. I just haven’t been the same.
Zikoko: Don’t… don’t cry too much. You’ll ruin yourself.
Fuel: I’m already ruined. They’ve done things to me. Bad things.
Zikoko: Who?
Fuel: Everybody. The government has taken my allowance, and the filling station locked me inside a hole. I escaped, and nobody wants to help me.
Zikoko: Wow, so sad
Fuel: Did I tell you I’m finished?
Zikoko: And yet, here you are.
[He takes a deep breath.]
Nobody wants to help me. The people saw me outside and started chasing me. One group called the “black marketers” caught me and poured kerosene inside me. Me! They mixed me with kerosene!
Zikoko: Shhhh. They will hear you ooo.
Fuel: [Swallows his tears]
Zikoko: So the filling station locked you up.
Fuel:
Yes.
Zikoko: You now decided to come and hide inside its house.
Fuel: It’s harder to find something if it’s under your nose you this small child.
I just want you to help me tell the people we’re on the same side. They should stop chasing me whenever they see me. I’m a victim too.
Zikoko: [Takes notes]
Sorry, but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, so why do you want to make a statement now? What’s different?
Also, do Diesel and Kerosene share your sentiments? Do you even know them?
Fuel:
Yes, I know them. I’m just tired, please. Diesel and kerosene don’t go through half the things I go through. Only me, I’ll power gen, I’ll power car, most sought after, but they want to tear my clothe. I’m not doing again. I’m tired.
Zikoko: [writes] okay. Fuel is tired. Is there anything else…
[Zikoko’s phone beeps as a voice note comes in]
BCM: We just heard your interview is at a filling station. The fuel in the office has finished…
[Zikoko looks at Fuel]
BCM: You need to bring some fuel with you when you’re coming back. It’s very important.
[Fuel crawls off the floor as the voice note ends]
Zikoko: Can I get…
[Fuel jumps through the window before Zikoko can finish their sentence]
Cartoons never get old, do they? Many of them are all-timers and we can never get enough of them. Before we get into it, I must say that this is my list. This is not a democracy. It’s Yoyin’s world and you’re just living in it.
1. Ben 10
With iconic aliens and a catchy theme song, Ben 10 captivated a whole generation of fans. From school bags to pencils, erasers, math sets, and watches, we all wanted branded items with Ben 10 aliens.
2. Justice League
Marvel has been making better movies than their DC counterparts but Justice League is one of the best cartoons DC ever created. Despite being child-friendly, the show sometimes took dark and strange turns. It blended child-friendly themes with mysterious storytelling, leaving us craving more after each episode.
3. Samurai Jack
This show’s villain was everything. No character in cartoon history was as evil as Aku. The writers infused humour and the strength of determination into the plot of Samurai Jack’s constant battle with evil.
4. Courage the Cowardly Dog
This was the introduction to the horror genre for many kids. A dog that lives with an elderly couple in the middle of nowhere had exactly the right ingredients to create something magical. Each episode brought a new supernatural being and we couldn’t get enough. It was weird, wild, and wonderfully captivating.
5. The Powerpuff Girls
This show was sugar, spice, and everything nice. I know a couple of toddlers saving the city doesn’t sound realistic, but who cares? It’s entertaining.
6. Teen Titans
This team of teenage superheroes fought evil with style. Robin was the leader and was in the spotlight but his teammates Starfire an alien, Cyborg, a half human/half robot with top tier tech knowledge and super strength, Beast Boy who had animal shapeshifting abilities, and Raven, who uses dark energy completely stole our hearts.
7. Dexters Laboratory
Boy Genius, Dexter was always developing the most ridiculous inventions in his secret lab, from creating an aging serum for himself or an experiment that almost wiped out the earth’s population. His free-spirited sister, Dee Dee also made it her mission to disrupt his work, resulting in the most hilarious problems.
8. Ed, Edd n Eddy
It’s not every day you find three friends with variants of the same name. Ed, Edd and Eddy went on silly and outrageous misadventures. Their friendship and funny escapades kept us hooked.
9. Codename Kids Next Door
I couldn’t leave out our favourite kid spies. They took an oath to protect children and battle adulthood, and boy, did they kill it. Their main base of operation was a high-tech tree house which was somehow much bigger on the inside. This show had a generation of Nigerian kids dreaming of secret missions.
10. Megas XLR
Rounding off my list is the show about two guys, a lady, and a giant robot. This show was ahead of it’s time. Battling space robots with a gamepad is as crazy as it sounds.
Nigeria got a new president four days ago, and he’s already hit the ground running.
We’d have let him run alone, but he’s tied a rope around our national waist and insists we follow him. So as your helpers, we’ve made a survival pack for you.
Always wear running shoes
As the new government has hit the ground running, so shall you. It’s best to stay ready.
Get a new stream of income
How can you make money from all the byproducts of corn and cassava? Mama, let’s start the research before it’s too late.
Date someone in APC
The closer you are to power, the easier your life will be. However, anything you see in the relationship is on you.
Get into ministry
We’ll need new spiritual leaders for all the fasting and praying we’re about to do. Then you can start to charge for deliverance and anointing oil to break the yoke.
Put “Yoruba ronu” sticker on your front door
And maybe, like during the night of the Passover, Nigeria’s wahala will pass over you.
Continue serving capitalism
Now more than ever, you need capitalism’s money. So be good and do as it says.
Buy a bicycle
Fuel is like ₦600/litre now, so you should probably consider selling your car and buying a bicycle. You might faint after riding from your house to work because Nigeria’s heat is nobody’s mate, but at least, you won’t have to buy fuel with money you don’t have.
Switch to candles
Mama G saw the future when she said her government will give out candles because, on just day four of his rule, fuel is more scarce than a married man with no side chicks.
Get a sugar guardian
It’s jokes that you think you can do this on your own. Arm yourself with a glucose guardian today; you can never have too many streams of income.
We think it goes without saying, but don’t go to a viewing centre to watch the finals. They’ll shade your fave, and you won’t like it.
If must go out, disguise
Just act like you don’t know Arsenal from anywhere. Aren’t you tired of taking Ls every year?
Stay offline
If you go to a viewing centre, it’s you against a few people. But if you go online, it’s you against the whole world. Do what you will with that information.
Watch highlights of the good times on YouTube
We know Arsenal is a regular at the FA Cup finals. But since that’s not happening in 2023, watch highlights of the good old days on YouTube to remind yourself that better days just might be ahead.
Hold a vigil
Prayers are probably what your favourite team needs. Dedicate a whole night to intense praying. And maybe, just maybe, God will deliver Arsenal from the village people of England.
Hang out with your fellow Arsenal fans
Form a support group. The long suffering must be hard for all of you, so there’s no reason you should do it alone. There’s strength in numbers.
Don’t shade Manchester United fans
They’ve always been your biggest opp, and they got their way once again. You really don’t want to say anything that’ll piss them off at this time.
Rice is the most versatile meal in this world (argue with your laptop). From fried to coconut, white, ofada, banga, seafood, special, tuwo shinkafa, and of course, the GOAT, jollof rice. It’s the GOAT of meals.
You like pain? Then nothing screams it more than Yoruba stew. You see someone who eats shaki with their eyes wide open? Yea I’m willing to bet good money that masochism is their sexual fantasy.
As you progress in your academic journey, things have a way of becoming more complex. For many people, this turn takes them by surprise, where they now struggle to pass. It’s even more annoying when you remember how you once cleared all your exams. It starts like this:
It’s primary school, and you always come first in class
It’s at this point that lecturers will say things like, “Your teacher should have taught you this in SS3, so I’m skipping this topic”. But then your SS3 teachers said, “I won’t go deep into this because when you get to uni, your lecturers will explain”.
You consider going back to primary school when things were easier
English is no respecter of persons. Doesn’t matter if you have a doctorate in the language, you use all the grammar checkers in the world, or you’re a newborn baby. The language will find a way to drag you and your good name through the dirt. Which is why I think there’s something seriously wrong with it.
With its numerous rules, that were set to confuse everyone and their daddies, like the use of “will and would” which I’m convinced no-one in the entire world knows how they actually work, to the existence of homonyms, homophones, synonyms.
The “I’m vs am” wars, to the “fiancé vs fiancée” debacle, there’s nothing English has not used our eyes to see. You might use a word today and think yourself worthy of an honorary degree in the language, but the next day, you’ll use the word, and your parents will start wondering if the money they spent on your education was a waste.
Which is why I think we should all just say “Fuck it” and use the language however the hell we want. After all, it isn’t even our first language. So, who actually cares if you use “your” instead of “you’re” or say “lylon” instead of “nylon”?
Okay, a bunch of people actually care; my editor will definitely give a million shits. And I can’t avoid her. However, you can ignore the following grammar guardians:
Your parents
You should tell them the school fees they paid has expired. However, if you don’t want a slipper thrown at you because you cherish your face too much, then only communicate with your parents through third parties, your local language or pidgin.
The English engineer
These are the people who’ll correct you unprovoked while you’re in the middle of a sentence, in public. I think you should just stop talking to these ones, cause anyone willing to jump down your throat to fix the English before it leaves your mouth is serious bad vibes and should be treated as such.
“Xri” and “WULLNP” fighters
Yes, the word you’re shortening and the full length of the word have the same number of letters, and the shortened one doesn’t make that much sense. But if they applied a little critical thinking, they’d figure it out, and if they can’t then tell them you can’t associate with people who can’t think deeply.
If people can’t see a borrowed language shouldn’t have this much hold over us, and divide us the way it has, then they’re the problem. Because who English help? The countries we’re learning English — and even taking numerous language exams for — don’t speak English half as well as we do.
So I say, if you’ve not killed anybody because of your bad grammar by now, then all the grammar guardians will be fine if you just so happen to end your sentence with an ellipsis instead of a period.
Besides, I’ve always been of the opinion that if you understand what the person is trying to communicate, then your irritation at their poor use of grammar and punctuations can rest.
This is Nigeria. The only language that gives you clout in these streets — something you actually need to survive — is Pidgin. English is cute when you’re writing a letter and all, but it won’t help you when you need to tell the bus conductor where you’re going, explain to your mai shayi how you like your bread and egg, or explain to the guys at Computer Village that someone just ran off with your phone.
There are some important tips to keep in mind when you find yourself down bad and need to do number two in public toilets. These guys were super late to the party but we know they’ve learnt their lessons.
Dewunmi, 34
This happened at a public toilet around Ikeja along. I’d stalled from using the toilet at the office, hoping I’d manage till I get home. Bro, I was at the bus stop. I don’t know if it was the bus fumes or how rough it was but I got pressed and it was the type I couldn’t hold. Luckily, I found a public toilet a couple of buildings away, where they charged N200 for number two. The toilet was a nightmare. It was dark, the last person didn’t flush properly, and the entire floor was swamped with water and urine. I tried to hold it in and run back but I was down bad.
To make matters worse, my trousers fell on the messed-up floor with the dirty water. Had to manage and wear it like that as I stepped out. I’m sure I smelt like shit through the bus ride home and it didn’t help that flies were buzzing around my trousers.
Debola, 31
I was working at Multichoice when I had this horrible experience. I’d missed the staff bus to Ilupeju earlier that day because I was purging. So, I summoned the courage to get on a public bus to Ogba and that was when the rumbling started in my stomach. I managed to squeeze it in till I got to the last bus stop and didn’t even bother to collect my change from the conductor. Everyone at Ogba knew I was pressed that day because I was restless. Eventually, someone took me to a public toilet and these area boys were there; smoking heavily but I didn’t bother. I just wanted to get to the toilet.
The toilet was was so tiny, in a terrible state and with a stench that choked me. It was hard to use the WC, so I pulled out a DSTV pamphlet from my bag, spread it on the floor and did my thing. I folded it and threw it in the WC when I finished. I also realized that there was no water to clean up so I had to use my pant to clean up, and then I threw it in my bag. I jumped on a bike to work when I got out, and headed straight to the toilet when I got to work. I took a bath in the office toilet, stayed till I got dry and before I came out to start my day.
Hammed, 28
Definitely has to be the one at Oniru. I’d just gotten to the beach that day and I felt this terrible stomach pain. Next thing I was seriously pressed and had to find a toilet . It was a festive day so there was this crazy queue in front of the toilets. I had to join the queue and wait my turn, which was actually a very embarrassing thing to do. I just dey think am that day say shit no get shame o.
Dimeji, 32
I used to say nothing would ever make me use a public toilet in my life, until one day. I’d taken a herbal drink that really got me messed up. I thought I could hold it in but I was fighting a losing battle, so I had to find somewhere to use. I joined a queue, and when it got to my turn, I noticed the guy that left before me refused to flush. I made sure I confronted him before he left. This guy brought out a pocket knife and threatened to stab me. We got into a scuffle and my phone fell into the WC while we were struggling. I was so pissed, I retrieved my soiled phone and ended up not using the toilet. Thank God I drove because I was stinking.
James, 29
It was 2015 and we were at the NYSC camp in Abia state. A close pal had just finished a plate of noodles from mammy market and needed to do number 2. We had just a few minutes before reporting to the parade ground but he couldn’t hold it. So he went to one of these paid toilets at the mammy market. My guy was charged N300 to use the toilet but he got in and nothing was coming out. Seeing as he didn’t defecate, he came out and requested a refund but the manager refused. The manager said my guy could go in and try again. We still tease him about paying for an excursion to the toilet in mammy market.
This goes without saying. “Semo is the devil’s dandruff forced on us by a capitalist society,” Zikoko Bureau of Statistics. Semo tastes like sorrow and tragedy and nobody should be eating it. If you have any issues, report me to my editor.
It’s not like we’re trying to lead you astray, but if you’ve already decided to lie, you might as well tell a really good one. Just promise to share the money when you get it because these formats will definitely work every time.
Tell him it’s a loan
The first step is to make it seem like you intend to pay back, even though you and I both know that’s not in the plan.
And that you’d pay back with interest
Just don’t clarify what type of interest you mean. If he ever brings it up when it’s time to pay back, you can say the interest you offered was a hug or a pat on the head. Interest is interest.
Say there’s something wrong with your credit alerts
And you just want to know what it feels like for money to hit your account. You can throw in small sweet words and head rubs for pizzazz.
Tell him the last person who gave you money got blessed
If he doesn’t feel encouraged to try it out, he lacks faith in you, and why are you dating such an opp?
Say your [distant] family member swallowed a razor
Crazier things have happened. At least we were here when he heard that snake swallowed millions. Just tell him someone swallowed a razor, and now everyone needs to contribute to foot the medical bills.
Tell him you crave money in your account
This will probably only work if you’re pregnant sha. We’ll recommend getting pregnant first so this format works better for you.
Nigerian banks already have a reputation of doing everything else except their work, so this won’t be too far off. Just say something in the lines of, your bank locked your account, and boo will do the needful.
Tell him you want to buy him a gift
He’d be too impressed at the fact that you’re actually thinking of him to ask why you aren’t using your own money.
Tell him you want to buy yourself a gift
And if he says no, it just means he doesn’t think you’re worthy of good things. Is that who you should be dating, sis?
Say you want to start a business
TBH, using all the money to look good is good business, so this isn’t even a lie.
Tell him you’ve found a sugar daddy
If he likes you, he’ll know he needs to step up so they don’t snatch you away from him. If he doesn’t like you, though…
Say you’re owing Palmpay
He wouldn’t want you to be disgraced, so he’ll cough up the money.
Tell him you need money for school or anything specific
You already call him “daddy”, so he might as well start acting like your father.
Just call him and start crying
At this point, you can be as creative as possible. Form sadness and tell him you don’t think he’d still love you if you were a worm. He’d probably try to appease you, and that’s when you ask for the money.
Primary school may have stressed you out at the time, but now that you’re older and wiser (and have experienced small capitalism), you’re actually best equipped to kill it.
You can come first this time
When you brag to your kids about coming first when you were in their class, this time, it won’t be a lie.
Nobody can beat you
Your teachers will be dragging age with you so the fear you had for them once won’t even exist. Even if you don’t do your homework, they’ll only beg you to do the next one.
Automatic prefectship
There’s no way you’ll be in a class with a couple of 10-year-olds, and you won’t be made senior prefect. You are the oldest, smartest, and most mature, so why not?
You get to have an actual break time every weekday
Playing around during break time without a worry in the world was amazing. Wouldn’t it be nice to experience it again?
You need rest
You’re getting old and Nigeria has stressed you enough. Primary school was when you had the most rest. It’s time to go back to maximise it.
You don’t have to buy clothes
Uniform >>> You now have the perfect excuse not to spend money on clothes. Don’t thank me; I do it out of the goodness of my heart.
One thing primary school classes always have going for them is the great interior decor. The colourful paintings and bags all over the walls is exactly what you need.
Speaking of paintings, you finally get the chance to have fun sip and paint sessions at HERtitude 2023. Click here to get your tickets.
We’re not saying you should physically fight these people. We’re just saying, with the current state of Nigeria’s economy, anyone trying to make you cough out ridiculous amounts of money for the barest minimum should catch these hands.
Nail techs that charge more than 20k
If anyone’s charging you more than 20k in present-day Nigeria for nail extensions, they’re your opp. Ask them to catch you outside.
Real estate agents and landlords
They belong to the same WhatsApp group because they want you to pay insane amounts of money on houses that cosplay as boxes and have slices of windows. You should actually call boys for them so that you’re not fighting alone.
Restaurants
After you’ve fought landlords and agents, you can go outside and ask restaurant owners to square up. Yes, they’re paying their rent in millions, but why do they want to use you to clear their gbese? Why is a milkshake 15k?
Banks
At this point, they’re all the same. The new ones, the old ones, all of them seem to have sworn an oath to stress and frustrate us all . So, the next time your bank makes you question your will to live, don’t just swear for them. You should actually go to the closest branch, and show them that they aren’t the only ones that can frustrate people. If they have no physical branches, drag them everywhere online.
Instagram vendors
Not all of them, just the ones that don’t respond on time after you pay, or lie about delivering your stuff and still send you things that will have you doing “what I ordered vs what i got”.
Your employer
Yes, you won’t be able to pay your bills without them, but look at it. Does your salary match your workload, or are they trying to suck your life’s worth because of said salary?
Any business charging in dollars
I understand that it’s 2023, but this is also Nigeria. The economy is rubbish, and the exchange rate is even more rubbish, so anyone asking you to pay for their services in dollars hates you and wants your downfall.
The Nigeria of today isn’t the Nigeria of yesterday. Things have changed, and people are changing, so naturally, there are new rules for it all, and we’ve got you covered.
Friends and lovers: The to-do’s and not to-do’s
“Nawa o, you just forgot about me.” is not an appropriate conversation starter
Especially if the person you’re talking to is your friend that just resurfaced and you don’t know if they were going through it.
You can only ghost your friends twice over the phone. After that, they need prior notice.
We understand that you might not feel like answering phone calls or responding to text messages, but after the second ghosting period, you’ll have to start sending little notices to your friends, you don’t have to tell them why, they just need to know you’ll be unavailable for a bit, so they’re not worrying too much.
They haven’t done it to me…
Is a terrible reason to not hold a friend accountable for their bad behaviour. It might not be you today, but that’s why we love tomorrow.
Ask your famous friends for consent before taking a selfie
No matter how memorable the day has been, don’t randomly shoulder-rub them into your Instagram story.
If you’re sleeping with them…
Doesn’t matter if they fit into your social safety net or if their genitals are the only thing you’re attracted to. If you’re exchanging body fluids, you’re morally obligated to be kind to them.
Get better at texting people back on time
“I am not a great texter” is a razz and lame excuse. Unless you’re genuinely busy or going through something, and even then, a quick explanation would go a long way.
It’s okay to hold bad texters accountable
But accountability is all it should be, not a revenge plot. Ask for context and avoid gaslighting them, the goal here is kindness.
Don’t be shocked when your hoe-ass friends take reductive jokes about their very active sex-life personally.
If they’re not laughing, then it’s not funny, grow up.
They’re happy for you and your new relationship/marriage, but please don’t start moving funny
By funny, we mean dishing out unsolicited relationship advice, setting them up with your partner’s unemployed friend, or saying things like, “You’re not married so you won’t understand.”
If the outing’s been planned ahead, then you can only cancel the week before.
If it’s an emergency, then you can send a quick text. If it isn’t, then you should tell them beforehand, so they can find someone else to go out with or not bother leaving their house at all.
You don’t have to buy everything they’re selling
Times are hard, inflation is inflating, and all your friends have most likely started a business and are selling something. You don’t have to buy everything they’re selling if you absolutely can’t, but you should still support them – spread the word, share their posts, help their business in any way you can – just make sure they know you’re there for them.
Sometimes, secrets between partners are good
Especially if it’s the one your friend just told you about the current state of their sex life or the STI they just tested positive for. If your friend just told you about the hottest only-women party happening on Sunday sha, then it’s not a secret and you should definitely share the news.
Staring at them and committing every part of their face to memory is fine, but waking them up because you just can’t understand how they’re asleep when the person of their dreams is awake is bad.
Ghosting is fine
It’s okay to ghost people after one date, but once you ghost, don’t come back. It’s rude and tacky, amongst other things.
Under no circumstances should you comment on anybody’s weight or look
No, it doesn’t matter if you think the comment is positive, like, “You’ve lost a lot of weight. How did you do it?”. Whatever comment or “compliment” you might have about the shape of their nose, or curve of their waist, just swallow it like eba.
You get one shot…
To tell your friend their significant other rubs you the wrong way, and they need to reassess the entire relationship. It might backfire sha, so best of luck.
There is a right time for a break up
These are days that aren’t holidays, birthdays, or general milestone events. If you break up with people on these days and they go around dragging your name through the dirt, just know you deserve it.
Outside and others: The guide
Don’t say, “Ahahn, you don’t remember me?”
If you’ve met someone and they clearly don’t remember your name.
Don’t make fun of people’s names
Also, it’s absolutely fine to ask how to say someone’s name.
Life isn’t an English class
If someone makes a mistake while speaking and you understand what they meant to say, keep shut.
If someone asks, “How are you?” the only appropriate response is “Fine”
Unless they’re your therapist or they’ve used the “A problem shared is a problem half solved” line with you. If not, keep your stories to yourself.
Say it with your chest, or keep shut
If you must fire shots like John Wick, you’re going to need to do it with your chest.
If you’re curious about their sexual orientation
Don’t be, you’re likely just profiling their look, and don’t discuss your best guesses with strangers either.
But, on the off chance that you must know or die
Ask for pronouns and nothing but pronouns. But most preferably, just mind your business.
Never use your phone mid-conversation
Unless it’s a quick call or life-threatening notification, five seconds is the longest you can randomly be on your phone – without courtesy – while someone is actively talking to you.
When you invite your introvert friends to places where they don’t know anybody else
Their good time is solely dependent on you. Yes, you will have to babysit them into turning TF up.
The “they could be your sister, daughter, or mother” line doesn’t cut it anymore
It honestly never even cut it in the first place, but now no one really cares to hear how you’d only respect a woman because they’re somehow related to you.
Don’t address women as “females.”, especially if you’re going to say something like, “the men and the females”
That’s the quickest way to say you don’t respect women because what does that even mean?
Never ask anyone what their job is.
Unless, of course, you have a job you think they can do. If not, then don’t.
Keep your hands to yourself
Unless it’s a case of someone’s safety. If not, keep your hands away from backs, arms, elbows, and other body parts.
Everyone doesn’t have to play the game just because you want to
No Ndubisi, they don’t want to spin the bottle just so you can dare Femi to put his hand down their top for five seconds.
For group dinners, one person pays the bill at the restaurant
Everyone else has two days to refund the gracious angel, no buts or what-ifs.
If you don’t like it, then don’t watch it
There are a shit ton of content that identifies with your beliefs, you don’t get to watch or listen to media in the public domain, and complain about things like nudity, or sexual orientations. If you don’t like it, don’t expose yourself to it.
No partners means no partners
When your friends say no partners, do not sneak your partner into the shindig and expect them to be fine with it.
It’s your event, you can love it as much as you want.
As long as you aren’t demanding too much from your friends, and by too much, we mean asking them to drop an outrageous amount of money for aso-ebi they might only wear once.
If your friend is celebrating a milestone, DON’T arrive late
If you feel like you might show up late, text someone that’s already there and not the celebrant.
Don’t stare into your phone when you’re out.
If you do that you might as well have just stayed at home.
It’s okay to leave
If the situation isn’t serving you in any way, it’s perfectly fine to bounce. And if you’re there with a group of friends you can always explain to them later.
You can stare at loud babies for a maximum of 10 seconds at a time
Yes, the coco felons are loud and love to cause a scene, but please don’t stare for too long, the parents are already embarrassed enough as is.
If your friend says text me when you get home, then text them when you get home
Don’t make them worry about your wellbeing.
It’s perfectly fine to still wear a mask and keep your hand sanitiser with you
If anyone questions you, look them in the eye for three minutes, they’re not the only ones that can try to make someone feel uncomfortable.
If you plan a party and invite people that have beef, let them know
This way they can decide if they want to show up or not, and your party doesn’t turn into a gidigbo affair.
For group camp-outs and road trips,
Planners owe new members of the friend group a heads-up on what to expect
It’s okay, if you’re the leader of a ragtag group of misfits who live wild and alternative, but don’t randomly spring bad music, drugs, or orgies on the new friends without giving them the option to opt out if that’s not their cup of tea.
Unless of course, you’re a cult leader, in which case, carry on, I guess?
Vibe-check the motive
If you’re invited to an after-party/group hang/road trip with a new friend or an old friend you haven’t seen in a while, ask many questions, and only go if you feel their answers pass your vibe check.
Don’t be the complainer
“We didn’t set out when we planned to.” “I forgot to my power bank.” or “Why didn’t you pack extra everything like Inspector gadget”. Please, just shut up and live in the moment.
Capitalism: Don’ts. We’re serious, don’t do it
It’s not okay to email, text, or DM anyone after work hours
They most likely won’t respond, and now there you are, slightly guilty at the possibility of waking someone up for something that could have waited till the next workday.
If you see your colleague outside, greet them warmly but quickly.
Also, don’t show up at work the next day and tell everyone what you saw them doing.
If you follow your employees on their socials, don’t comment on their posts or use it against them,
Especially if it’s Twitter, or you guys just aren’t cool like that.
Don’t follow the people you work with on socials without their permission
If you do, you just might get blocked, and then you’ll get offended and start sulking.
Generally, avoid promising anything career-advancement related
If you’re asked, be honest, concise but polite about your access and influence levels on the corporate ladder.But if you must offer to contract a gig, make an e-intro or pass a resumé forward, don’t go back on your word or gaslight the person into thinking they’re disturbing your life when they follow up.
Don’t be shocked when broke friends take jokes about their financial status personally
Once again, If they are not laughing, then it’s not funny. Grow up.
I’m in my early 20s, but I still see myself as a child. I used to think all early 20s folks see themselves this way, but I’m beginning to realise there aren’t too many of us on that boat.
I graduated from the university in 2019, and with each passing month, my old primary, secondary school and university classmates are taking the huge step of getting married and/or having kids.
What’s even crazier is it’s the folks who swore that love is a scam that are the first to go.
You could be on the street, and John Bosco who promised to become a Catholic priest would drive by in his Sienna with his two kids. Love really has a way of changing your plans.
I can’t even imagine having a kid right now. So of course, I’m concerned by the level of work social media puts into making babies look like angels.
I’m a child myself. Having my own child right now is a recipe for disaster. I’d get angry over the stupidest things.
Kids are really expensive too. I’m sorry, but if I’m going to spend that much money on something, I should be getting some kind of ROI.
I really admire those who are starting families anyway. It takes a lot to believe in a cause so completely to devote your entire life to it.
I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility yet. Imagine being responsible for people who aren’t me. I’m barely responsible for myself. Marriage is so scary and final. I know divorce exists, but I don’t think anyone goes into marriage with the intention of divorcing later. What’s especially scary is the fact that people change and there’s nothing you can do about it. Even I know that I wasn’t the same person I was a few years ago.
The patience that marriage requires doesn’t sound like something I have yet. I’ll have to be completely accountable to another person. I can’t just decide to go on a trip or make a big purchase. It’s bondage, but I’d be deeply in love with the person I’m in bondage with.
I hope I get married someday — definitely not today — but till then, I’ll write articles and make sure every hot babe knows about HERtitude. You too can get your tickets here.
How many times have you heard a person say things like “It is well”, “Nothing do you” “No shaking” when you know at the back of your mind that there is absolutely no assurance that something will not do them. I mean, it’s just life, and things happen. So, how can you not be covered?
This reminds me of the time when I tried to speak to my friend Chinedu about the importance of getting auto insurance, especially with his sub-standard driving skills. He told me right to my face to mind my business and leave auto affairs to men like him, saying “no worry, if e happen, we go run am”.
So, imagine my surprise when he called me on a random Sunday afternoon begging to borrow 150K for car repairs as he had just been involved in an accident with a car. I could even hear the third party fuming in the background. I had to ask Chinedu “ Shebi you be man, oya run am now” but apparently neither he or his car could run it.
Or is it the time when my sister, the “It is well” warrior, was losing staff to a seasonal flu which made her pay their hospital bills out of pocket? Mama kept on shouting “It is well” with every bill when in reality all was not well and she was losing money. It was just “sorrows sorrows prayers” every time. After the third bill she jazzed up and turned to the health insurance plan I had been telling her about.
These experiences have taught me that getting insurance with MyCoverGenius is a decision that requires no second thought. With MyCoverGenius’ quality and affordable health insurance, you can secure medical coverage for yourself, your business and loved ones for as little as ₦2,500 a month. The onboarding process is simple and seamless. They provide 24-hour Telemedicine support for expert consultations, avoiding second-guessing symptoms. So hurry up and sign up at www.mycovergenius.com to experience the peace of mind that comes with being protected.
Remember, it’s not just positive vibes that can shape your future; it’s also the actions you take to safeguard your well-being. Choose MyCoverGenius for comprehensive health insurance coverage you can rely on.
If you were born into a Yoruba Christian home, I’m almost certain that Yinka Ayefele was a big part of your childhood. Even if it wasn’t, you’ve probably heard his songs which were characterised by fast beats and catchy lyrics. Nearly every naming ceremony had the DJs blasting these songs on their speakers.
Honestly, they slapped differently.
1,2,3,4
5,6,7,8 alayo mi ni. This song would make you lose your home training in a Godly manner. You could be battling the worst heartbreak known to man and somehow, it would help you recover.
Eyin Temi Bawo Ni O
Sewa. Le le le le le le le sewa. If your name is Sewa, this was probably as close to musical royalty as it could get.
Ime, Imela, Imela, Jehovah Mela
Ayinkele Gymnastic Imela. We all knew that wasn’t what he said, but we shouted it at the top of our voices regardless.
Emi Ni Temi Mi O Mo J’orin Lo
His rent was definitely due when he hit us with this banger.
Baba Pamilerin Ayo
The mix of makossa and fuji here got everyone dancing. Those were the days.
Mu Mi Lo Si
Ibi giga, to ga ju aiye. Oluwa jo wo o wa gbe mi soke. This was peak vocal dexterity. The ability to get so high in pitch while raising his voice simultaneously puts Ayefele up there as one of the best of his generation.
Do Ti La Mi So Fa
Do Do Do Re Mi. It isn’t quite the tonic solfa taught in music schools but it’s definitely as iconic. Screaming it at the top of your lungs and dancing as the beat drops made it hit harder.
Odun Ikore
This song had tears welling up in the eyes of grown men as they jammed to the chorus at the top of their voices.
Te Ota Mole
Te Ota Mole Left Right. If the angels had a marching song, it honestly felt like this would be it. It has the correct blend of military grit and musical cohesion.
The “Evil Eye” is a cast or glance at someone that may inflict harm, suffering or some form of bad luck on their lives. You know how you don’t share an important milestone or major win because you fear it’s all going to get jinxed? Well, the jinxing bit might have something to do with this “evil eye”. You know what’s even weirder? The ”looker” doesn’t have to lift an arm to cause a chain of possibly catastrophic events. God, abeg.
People who choose to keep their private lives away from the internet might be on to something sha.
We had a chat with some Nigerians, and their Evil Eye experiences are chilling, to say the least.
“My sister’s baby cries every time I post her picture on WhatsApp”— Funmi*, 28
I was always posting pictures of my niece when my twin sister put to bed, and I started to notice a funny pattern: Every time I posted my niece’s picture, she would cry throughout the night without sleeping. My sister would always call me crying and saying she doesn’t know why the baby is throwing a tantrum. I started feeling weird because it happened only on the days I posted her pictures on WhatsApp. I remember posting her picture again to confirm my suspicion after noticing the pattern. It happened again and that was when I decided to pray about it. At first, I kept it to myself, but I eventually told my sister.
“My hair falls out whenever people compliment it” — Fareeda*, 26
I have long and full hair. Anytime people see it they keep “awwwnnning” over it. But I started to notice that I lose a lot of my hair whenever that happened, especially when I was in secondary school. Anything people admired about the hair would be affected. My hairline, the healthy scalp, the length, the fullness… Large chunks of my hair would literally fall out.
“We had a nasty fight after I posted his picture on his birthday” — Fikayo*, 29
I once posted my boyfriend’s pictures to celebrate his birthday. Afterwards, we had a nasty fight that almost led to a breakup. Mind you, this is a relationship of about three years. I remember sharing the pictures, and people I’d not spoken to in years started texting me that day, some I didn’t even have their numbers anymore. Before then, I’d only posted his picture online once.
“I started having dreams that put my babe in bad light” — Oyin*, 28
I remember one Sunday afternoon when my boo stood up as a single in church because there was no category for “in a relationship.” I made a fuss about it on my WhatsApp status and someone sent A DM saying she knew my relationship wasn’t going to last because I was rubbing him in everyone’s face even when we weren’t married.
I was livid, but before I knew it, I started having dreams that put my babe in a bad light, and all I could think about was wanting to break up. Naturally, I’ve found that keeping things to myself before they happen makes them happen.
“Posted about my new job, and it was the beginning of the end” — Latoye*, 31
I’d been working at this cool place for months but kept it private because I wasn’t ready to share it with anyone. It wasn’t even because I thought about jinxing it or anything; I just wanted to put in the work before making an announcement.
The day I eventually shared the news on Twitter and WhatsApp, there was this weird presence I felt around me. The congratulatory messages poured in and some people even reposted. I got to work the next morning, and let’s just say it was the beginning of an end. Was making silly mistakes that were actually detrimental to the business. Long story short, my contract was terminated. I have a new job now, and only my family members know.
“The company terminated her appointment after sponsoring the family visa and paying for flight” — Dotun*, 28
My sister-in-law got a job in the Netherlands in March 2022. The company sponsored visas for her, her husband and their child. They were expecting her arrival in July and had even paid for their flight. By the end of June 2022, the visas were ready. Out of excitement, my sis-in-law she posted her testimony on her WhatsApp status, and two days later, the company called to inform her they don’t need her services anymore. Her flight was cancelled on July 1, 2022. She’s just recovering from the effect it had on her mental health. Thank God her husband had not resigned from his job.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Join Lagos babes for the hottest women-only party going down on May 27. Grab your HERtitude tickets here.
The only person more curious than a five-year-old is a woman in love. They are the masters of asking questions with the most obvious answers. Anyway, we still love them sha. Your girlfriend has probably asked you one of these questions before.
Would you still love me if I was a worm?
What kind of wahala is this now?
Why are you calling me that?
This always comes after you call her by her government name. “My name is Babe, not Tolu.”
Why haven’t you apologised to me yet?
This is her method of apologising by the way.
Oh, you have forgotten me, your girlfriend?
This is after you’ve not replied to her message for a grand total of three minutes.
Are you cheating on me?
Sister, even if I was cheating, do you think the way you’d find out is by you randomly asking me?
Do I look fat in this dress?
Dear Kings, never answer yes to this question. NEVER.
Do you love me?
This question always pops out of the blue. You’ll have to spend the next 20 minutes reassuring her that the pimple on her face hasn’t made you stop loving her.
Get your girlfriend HERtitude tickets here if you want a break from these questions.
₦10k gets dragged every other week, but all it does is mind its business and help you take care of yours. So, we’ve decided to help everyone appreciate ₦10k a little bit more.
Change your wardrobe
You can change your wardrobe with this little token. All you’ll need to do is haul yourself to a very specific section of Balogun market, and start the change.
Change your hair
Whether it’s a wig or braids you desire, ₦10k’s got your back. The wig might be a sponge in disguise, and you might end up looking like a secondary schooler with those braids, but your hair will definitely get changed.
Start building a house
Source: businessday
All you need is the first step, a bag of cement here, two bags there, and your house is in transit. ₦10k can do that for you.
Go on a date
Armed with ₦10k, love and determination, you can definitely take your person out on a date. Just make sure you pick the appropriate restaurant far away from that island in Lagos.
Buy a pair of glasses
Source: Shopify
A pair of glasses are useful for a couple things, shielding your eyes from the sun, hiding your eyerolls from your mother, and most importantly, disguising yourself from unnecessary billing. Because if they can’t see you, how’ll they ask you for money you don’t have.
Buy a car…
Source: 5out of4patterns
…accessory. Let’s be honest, ₦10k cannot buy you a car, but it can buy you a steering wheel cover, which is pretty close to an actual steering wheel, which is close to a car.
Go outside
You can attend all the events happening around you. Like, HERtitude, and all you’ll need for that is ₦5,500.
We’ve all had that dreadful moment when number two catches you outside and you just have to dash into a public toilet.
If it’s at a fancy venue, you’re safe. But this guide is for when you find yourself at the public restrooms in bus parks and marketplaces.
Skip the first toilet
No one wants to take a long stroll inside a public toilet, so the first spot is always the easiest option. That means you’re more likely to find a clean toilet if you skip to the third or fourth.
Don’t breathe
As you walk in, the first thing you want to do is hold your breath. Think about it, if you don’t breathe, how will you smell other people’s business?
Tip toe
You’ll most likely walk into a pool of stagnant water mixed with urine. So you want to apply your best tiptoeing techniques or risk getting splashed.
Don’t touch anything
Ideally, the only thing your hands should be touching is your clothes to make way for your business, and your butt when you clean up.
Lock the door
It’s embarrassing enough when your siblings barge into the toilet while you’re emptying your bowels. Now, imagine a complete stranger.
Protect your belongings
You have to go in with them but also maintain zero contact. The best thing to do is to hang everything you came with around your neck.
Wash your hands
But because there’ll most likely be no water supply, always carry a sanitizer around.
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What’s the worst that can happen to you when househunting?
Chika had seen three different houses that day. She’d let the house agent drag her around town, and now, as the sun was about to go down, she’d had enough and just wanted her bed.
But the agent said no. Something about the landlord only seeing people at night, so she should just get it over with.
This should’ve been her first sign, but she was a fool, a desperate fool who needed to leave her mother’s house before they killed each other.
They started their journey to this house that seemed to be at the end of a forest, in the middle of nowhere — that should’ve been the second sign.
The third sign should’ve been when they got to the house.
If she knew was honest, all she wanted was to ask the agent to take her home so she could kiss her mother’s feet. Her mother was still her mother. Surely, if Chika begged enough, she’d stop disturbing her every waking moment with ridiculous requests for marriage and grandchildren. Instead, Chika stepped out of the car and kept walking until she entered the house.
It was to be a shared apartment, so all she was shown of the three-bedroom were the room she’d be in, the en-suite kitchen and living room. The agent was quick, and they were done in minutes. Now, she could leave — as soon as the agent returned with the landlord.
Chika’s eyes roamed around the long hallway they’d left her in, stealing glances at the cracked wall with tiny holes that gave the wall a multitude of faces, and dusty surfaces, until her eyes landed on it — a painting of the house she was in, only this time surrounded by creatures whose eyes she could swear stared into her soul. For the life of her, she couldn’t stop looking. So she walked towards it.
She just wanted to feel the painting under her fingers.
Chika stood in front of it, and as she raised her hand to touch it, she heard a door swing open. She turned to look, but no one was there.
She turned back to the painting, and something had changed. The creatures still looked at her, but they weren’t in that position the last time. She raised her hand to it and touched the painting. It felt scaly, wet, and somehow, alive.
Yeah, Chika couldn’t do this anymore. She had to get the fuck out of here. She turned around, went through the hallway and to the front door. She didn’t care if her agent and the landlord were done with their chat. She was done with it.
Chika tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge.
That was when she heard a loud roar that shook the house’s foundation. She looked out the window, and for the life of her, she didn’t understand what she was seeing. But she knew one thing, she should’ve stayed in her mother’s house.
Secondary school holds a lot of fun memories for some people. For others, not so much. Regardless, we all had our best and worst memories. We’ve decided to rank the classes from “so good you wouldn’t mind repeating” to “so bad if you could leave after the first term you would”.
Taking on the tag of “final-year student” is amazing. The risks that are taken and the flex of writing external exams put it right up there as the most enjoyable class. The joy of finally leaving secondary school is one of the top three most amazing feelings; probably after reading an inside life article and a pregnancy scare.
SS1
Very few feelings beat the joy of finally moving to Senior Secondary School. The new uniforms, the ability to drop some subjects, and the general flex of being in Senior Secondary School put it at no 2. There hasn’t been a more iconic change of fits since the transfiguration.
It’s not a completely bad class, to be fair. It feels nice being at the end of Junior Secondary School but that’s where it stops. The constant classes and the crazy preparation for the Junior WAEC (West African Examinations Council) exams make it a more unlikeable class.
This is a perfect case of so close yet so far. The SS3 v SS2 rivalry is real. To make things worse, all the subjects get so much harder. To cap it all, the SS3 guys will still make a ritual of going after the SS2 girls.
This is the real ghetto. The best description is that it’s life at the bottom of the secondary school food chain. It’s a new environment with higher academic expectations, and often times, bullies. It gets better, but the first few months are brutal.
Speaking of lists, HERtitude is at the top of everyone’s party list. Click here to get tickets to the coolest gathering of hot babes.
Bonus – Holidays
It isn’t a class but it’s definitely the best time during secondary school. Why can’t every day just be a holiday?
After a long day of saying yes to capitalism, Zikoko heads home. At the bus stop, they see a familiar face.
Zikoko: Hello. Hi. Sorry, you look familiar.
Situationship: [rolls eye] No, I don’t.
Zikoko: Yes you do. I just need to remember. Your name is… your name is…
Situationship: I am not Relationship.
Zikoko: [laughs] God no, I wasn’t going to… People say you look like Relationship?
Situationship: Yes.
Zikoko: Ah no o, they must be confused. It can never be you.
Situationship: [side eye]
Zikoko: [claps] I remember. You’re Situationship. You’re internet famous. Did you know that?
Situationship: (hiss) All of that love is online.
Zikoko: No one said it was love.
Situationship: In real life, they can’t stand me, and I don’t know why. Am I ugly?
Zikoko: NO. God, no.
Situationship: So what is it? They never want me for too long. After a while, they start looking for Relationship. Who the fuck is that guy anyway? I’m better than him.
Zikoko: I don’t think it’s a guy…
Situationship:
Zikoko: Yes, absolutely, you are better than him.
Situationship: Exactly. I’m relaxed. I’m chill. I don’t make people clean their house or label things. You can have me and all the other friends you want. The point is I’m not holding anyone back. Maybe that’s why they all run along after a while.
Zikoko: Because you don’t hold them back?
Situationship: Yes, then they start acting like I sent them away. They could have just stayed. I should be enough. People who want to move to Relationship are just greedy.
We know it’s not the Olympics but it felt that way as a teenager in secondary school. The sports, the competition, the joy of winning, and the pain of defeat. Secondary school inter-house sports had everything. Apart from Yellow House always coming last, here are the type of people you’ll find at every school’s inter-house sports.
The all-rounders
These ones can run, march, jump and play football. It’s almost as if they were created for sports.
The sprinters
All they care about is winning the races. The 100 metres gold is all that’s on their mind. The rest of the house should go and hustle their own medals.
Every house needs a supporting cheer group. They’re always loud and notice everything, even drawing the attention of the officials to the things they missed.
Maybe it’s the japa wave or love is just surplus in the air, a staggering number of young Nigerians are doing together-forever on a daily basis.
Ikoyi registry is the preferred for many (especially japa enthusiasts) and the people who work there use this information to their advantage. This is how you can outsmart their Sodiq Ologbon ways.
Go with a mobile wardrobe
You’ll think you’ve picked the best outfit until they say you’re casual in your drip. Don’t mind them, it’s a plan to make you buy from the cut and sew vendors within the compound.
Put on your resting bitch face
It’s a day of joy but if you smile too much, you’re calling for billing and they will answer you. Only the LOYL should see your teeth outside.
Five is a crowd
To be honest, you only need one witness each and that’s a total of four people. Going with many people easily places a target for billing on your head.
Suffocate them with mouth odour
Staying quiet for long means a buildup of funky breath in your mouth. You and the LOYL will be swiftly dismissed at every stop.
Linkup with money changers mint ₦50-₦100 bills
Here’s the thing, no matter what, you will spend money at the Ikoyi registry. But hey, what’s a couple of ₦50-₦100 notes? the most you’ll part with is ₦2500.
Show up in Ankara
First impression matters or what’s that thing they say? The workers at Ikoyi registry won’t take you seriously if your wedding day baffs doesn’t compare to their everyday drip.
Don’t go with food
It’s never going to be enough and you’ll end up getting guilt tripped to sort others who didn’t get food packs with money. Better to avoid completely.
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People showcasing different levels of bad behaviour in a house for months is good, but finding out what happens in Aso Rock after someone carts the National Assembly mace away is much better.
Nigeria is a special place with special characters, which is why the powers that be should come together to give us the following reality shows.
The mortuary: after hours
It might be spooky, but who doesn’t want to see what happens in a mortuary when the sun goes down. Do the bodies move when they think no one’s there? Do their spirits bump into things? How often do the attendants get spooked out by random sounds?
Salon tea
It’s a longstanding fact that the hair salon is the place to be if you want to hear every Nigerian’s gist. Instablog, who? Someone needs to get a camera into one of these Lekki/Ikoyi salons and serve us bottomless tea.
Inside the minds of Aba boys
Do you realise the amount of research and dedication that goes into changing Gucci to Nguccy or replicating someone else’s design? Some even create a whole new design the brand doesn’t even know about. Please, we just want a peek into how they work, and why they do the things they do.
The Aso villa: behind the scenes
First off, this should be our right as Nigerian citizens. We don’t even need to know the ins and outs of Aso rock, we just need to know what’s happening in it. Who’s fighting who? What happens when they tell us ridiculous things about snakes and monkeys? You know, the basics.
The secret life of pastor’s partners
Think real housewives, but in a way that pleases the Lord. Midi dresses, fascinators, wide-brim hats, a bible in one hand and the uncanny ability to judge you out of sin in another. We don’t know how or when we’ll get this, but we absolutely need it.
Market women inner drama
Have you ever gone to your customer’s market stall, and you can just feel the tension brewing between them and their neighbour? We need this show to sate the aproko in us. Also, a market woman doing confessionals would be hilarious AF.
Bus drivers and their conductors vs the world
This would be a wholesome show filled with romance, drama, and nonstop action. We just need someone who’s willing to follow them around with a camera — and maybe, a helmet for protection against bottles, 2-by-2 planks, and the slim possibility of being thrown off a bus.
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With the way Nigeria’s economy is moving like the snake that ate ₦38m, everyone needs to hold down at least two jobs to survive. And companies shouldn’t be left out.
Airtel should start making movies
Based on the quality of commercials they put out, it won’t be too much of an ask for them to venture into filmmaking and give us the full-length version of this teaser they dropped all those years ago.
GT Bank should start planning events
They should give us more events, so we can stay outside every weekend, spending all the money we don’t have.
Play Network Studios should open a film museum
We’re not saying they should stop the remakes. All we’re saying is we can see how passionate they are about old Nollywood. They need to share that passion with the younger generation in new ways. Also, we need new social activities in this country. They should help us all.
Gala should start selling gadget cases
They need to stop producing gala and move into a more profitable venture, like selling phones, earbuds, laptops and tablet cases. The gala they make now is just a casing for the tiny ass sausage inside, so they have all the experience they need.
Deloitte should start counting everything
If counting BBN votes can go so smoothly, imagine how seamless elections and national census would be if we outsourced to them. They’d surely do better than Mr Yakubu.
Photo credit: Falz via Youtube
Hypo should start making school supplies
Hypo go wipe o shouldn’t just be for clothes and surfaces. If they’re really serious about their slogan, then they should also be able to wipe out our mistakes — or at least, start a new line of erasers.
Nasco should start producing plastic chairs and table
The way Nasco cereal tastes like plastic and takes two working days to dissolve in any liquid, I’d say they’re already one foot into the plastic production business. Nigerians host a shit ton of events, so if they fully get into plastic furniture, their pockets will never run dry.
Speaking of events, Zikoko’s hosting a women-only party for all the hottest women out there, don’t miss it.
They can act like they don’t care, but trust us when we say these gift ideas for men will answer their many “God when?” questions.
As you search for the best gift ideas for the different men in your life—siblings, father, co-worker, husband, boyfriend, sons— we want you to pay attention to this list curated with all our love.
So what will get that man grinning? Let’s go.
Birthday gift ideas for men
Sponsor a weekend getaway
That man deserves to see the world. We’ll let you decide if you’re sending him to Benin Republic or Togo. Also, if you have the money and can afford it, a trip to Santorini or Paris.
Average spend: ₦500k- ₦2 million.
A shopping spree
You’ve seen his drip on occasions so you know his style. Take his ATM card and buy all his essentials.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦500k
Cook-a-storm
Show that man you can do better than Hilda Baci. If she cooked 80 recipes, raise him 100 pots of local delicacies. Afterall, the way to a man’s heart is his stomach or something like that.
Average spend: ₦20-₦100k.
Book a spa appointment
Source: TripAdvisor
He’ll be in that massage bed thanking God for the day he met a thoughtful queen like you. Doesn’t matter if you’re his wife, mum, sister or friend.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
Organise a hang-out with his guys
Men hardly have time to throw parties but will they attend one with their gees? Just make sure to cater for all their food needs. Buy them liquor too, they like that.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
An underwear set
Source: Konga
Forget the trash-talking on Twitter , men actually appreciate boxers and singlet. You can go the extra mile with designer brands.
Average spend: ₦20-₦50k.
Footwear
Source: The Modest Man
A lot of men obsess over sneakers, shoes and palm slippers. Pay attention to his favourite and get him a or two. Bonus point: Go for designer brands.
Average spend: ₦10-₦200k.
Mobile phone
Source: Stuff
Chances are, he already has an expensive phone. But men like to stay updated and you can go the extra mile by gifting him the latest version of his device. Be sure to know if he’s an Apple bro or Samsung brethren.
Average spend: ₦200k-₦1m.
Cologne
Source: Pinterest
Men love to smell good but they don’t want to go in a room smelling like a thousand other bros. Make it your mission to find his signature scent and ensure that he hardly runs out.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦300k.
Game console
Source: Konga
It has to be the latest PlayStation console. But hey, half is better than none, if you can’t afford the latest just make sure you buy one.
Average spend: ₦200k-₦500k.
Graduation gift ideas for men
Whether he just bagged a new degree or completed an online course, you want to motivate your man and let me know that you recognized his efforts.
A new whip
More Nigerian parents need to embrace the idea of gifting cars during milestone achievement. Your son just bagged a degree? Spend that money!
Average spend: ₦2m – ₦50 Million.
Graduation party
Let’s be honest, school isn’t easy. If anyone makes it to graduation, they deserve to be thrown a party with their loved ones. Although, we can’t say parties come cheap.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦500k.
Book a photoshoot session
Pictures preserve memories and you can be thoughtful by helping the celebrant immortalize one of their most prized moments. Please dear, book a professional photographer and not ‘photooo’.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦150k.
Graduation Cake
Source: Pinterest
Personally, we believe there should be a cake for every celebration because why not? The key here is to make sure a special message comes with the cake.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦50k.
Gift hamper
Source: Konga
No, you don’t give out hampers during the Christmas season alone. Curate a personalized hamper and include items like: Notepads, pen, playing cards, wallet, multi-tool pen, etc.
Average spend: ₦20k-₦100k.
Personalized photobook
Source: PhotoNaija
Chances are, he shared memories with you throughout his stay in uni. Go the extra mile and document these memories in a photobook. He might cringe at first, but never you mind, he loves that shit!
Average spend: N25k-N100K.
Wedding anniversary gift for men
You should be celebrating every year spent with the love of your life. It’s nice to say you love him but this list of gift ideas for men will help you prove your words with actions.
Couple’s massage
It’s a gift for him but God forbid you leave your LOML in the hands of a masseuse. Go with him, and if things get extra heated, you might even have the room to yourself.
Average spend: ₦70k-₦200k.
Weekend getaway
Source: Visit Greece
If you have kids, send them to their grannies. A private trip to some of the most romantic destinations in the world. You can do Olumo rock too if that’s what you can afford. It’s the thought that counts.
Average spend: ₦200k-₦2m.
Vow renewal
An opportunity to tell each other “for richer, for richer” Very yes please! You can keep it private or have family and friends witness the true love story.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦500k.
Certification
More skills mean more earning potential and that’s good for everybody. Do your research and pay for a course that will shoot him up his career ladder. Don’t sleep on this gift idea for men.
Average spend: ₦100k-₦500k.
Personalized accessories
You want him to think of you everywhere. Whether he’s at work or stuck in traffic on the 3rd mainland bridge, he’ll always smile when he sees your words or initials on his belt, bracelet or wallet.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦100k.
Customized Bible or Quran
Source: iStock
Remember how you picked the Holy book on your engagement day? You want to remind him that the word of God is still important in your union.
Average spend: ₦5k-₦50k.
Set up a man cave
Source: Essential Home
Nigerian landlords are wicked and it’s expensive to have the luxury of space. However, if you do, it’s time to put on your interior designing cap; create a safe space just for him. Hear hear, this will cost money.
Average spend: ₦500k-₦5m.
Cinema date
Source: iStock
If you can rent out the entire cinema, please do. Otherwise, just you and your man are see a romantic movie that will reignite the flames of your love.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
Upgrade his wedding ring
Consider this as an investment for the future. If it’s a silver ring, upgrade it to a diamond.
Average spend: ₦1m-₦20m.
Hot intercourse
It doesn’t matter if they get it every other day, men love sex. The key here is to try something extra different and special. Maybe grant his BDSM fantasies—just kidding.
Average spend: ₦0.
Father’s Day gift ideas
Mothers get most of the love but we know fathers also want it. This is your opportunity to show daddy how much you appreciate him picking up the bills and leaving his wallet open at all times.
Money
It’s the one day where he gets to receive after months of giving and giving. Suffocate his bank account with something hooge.
Average spend: ₦100k-₦10m.
Father’s Day cake
Source: Wilton
He’ll most likely not eat because he doesn’t like eating sugar. But make sure there’s a cake with a thoughtful message stating how special he is.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦50k.
Bottle of wine or whisky
You want to find an expensive bottle that has aged well. You can accompany this with a cute card telling daddy how much of a good parent he is.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦100k.
Customized keyholder
Source: The Laser Boutique
Daddy probably has keys for everything. The car, his office, the house and special safes. give him a customized keychain that keeps everything organized.
Average spend: ₦5k-₦20k.
Father’s Day hamper
Source: My Basket
Curate a special hamper for daddy. You can include items like: Customized journal, cufflinks, provisions, etc.
Average spend: ₦50-₦150k.
Fabric
As they grow older, Nigerian men fall in love with native wears and you’ll be sure to find a dozen or more in their wardrobes. Hit up with your fabric plug at Balogun market and spoil him silly.
Average spend: ₦20-₦150k.
Health supplements
We want to make sure daddy’s health is in good shape at all times. Make sure you check with the family doctor to know what works best for him.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
Retirement gift ideas for men
A lot of thoughts should go into selecting the best retirement gift idea for men as you’re celebrating an important milestone in his life. Whether as a wife, a child, colleague or friend, you want to give him that big pat on the back for getting to the finish line. Your gift should do the talking.
Retirement party
The company will most likely have a moderate send forth event but you want to make sure you go the extra mile. Gather friends, family and loved ones to celebrate years of service.
Average spend: ₦100k-₦500k.
Vacation
Source: Conde Nast Traveler
Probably the most important on the list, daddy should be getting some well-deserved rest after years of doing the work. We recommend an out-of-country experience, but hey, the International Institute of Tropical Agriculture (IITA) is budget friendly.
Average spend: ₦250k-₦2m.
Retirement birthday cake
Source: CakeNBake
A big 18 inches, multi-flavored, cake that comes with a message that says: “you’ve worked, it’s time to chill/play” or something sweet like that.
Average spend: ₦20k-₦50k.
Open a business
Except daddy is Dangote or Otedola, retirement in this part of the world isn’t really the end. You want to set daddy up with something that pays the bills apart from his monthly pension.
Average spend: ₦500k-₦10m.
Gift him a mansion
Source: Reuters
African parents mean their last word when they pray for their kids to buy cars and build houses for them. What better time to show daddy that prayers can be answered?
Everyone wants to be rich, at least I’m sure I want to. The comfort and financial freedom it offers are things that I look forward to. But this isn’t about my aspirations, it’s about those who have attained them.
I find the way rich folks think intriguing. The fact that they are usually oblivious to the struggles of those around them is what I find most fascinating. Rich people just assume everyone else should be able to do the things they do with ease. They can’t wrap their heads around what being poor feels like.
I remember when I changed schools in primary four. Ben 10 was probably the biggest thing at the time. I told one of my new friends that I couldn’t watch it because we didn’t have cable TV at home. He couldn’t believe it. There was a mixture of horror and shock in his face.
“How can you survive without proper TV?”. A similar thing happened the day I resumed boarding school. One of my classmates swore I was trolling when I said I didn’t have a PlayStation. He was certain that I had offended my parents.
One advantage of being rich is that it allows you to chase your dreams. Someone once asked why I don’t go on vacations. My brother in Christ, I need money to survive today plis.
Another is the constant advice that I need to invest to “secure my future.” Please I beg you, let me secure my present first.
The funniest are those that ask why I don’t save. See, If I save anything right now I’ll die. I need to be able to live to enjoy the fruit of my labour please.
I understand where rich people are coming from anyway. It’s important to plan ahead. But it’s a lot harder to plan when you have not as many resources. The safety net of financial stability is a wonderful privilege. I hope it gets better for everyone. We all deserve the freedom to chase what we want.
This is why we have decided to give you exactly what you want. The women-only party, HERtitude. Click here to get your tickets
Are you trying to make ends meet? But it’s looking like these ends had a heated breakup and don’t want to get back together. You can console yourself with what I call, the upsides of being poor.
You can successfully avoid billing
Source: Zikoko memes
You can be sure that nobody will ask you to help them out because their grandpa swallowed a shovel. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
All the love you receive will be real
Source: Zikoko memes
Remember the popular saying “I want you to love me for who I am not what I have”? Well, since you have nothing, people have no choice but to love you for who you are.
Entry into heaven is confirmed
Source: Zikoko memes
According to The Bible sha. Apparently, it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven. Poor on earth, rich in heaven sounds like a great deal to me.
You have no fear of losing anything
Source: Zikoko memes
Rich people are always afraid of losing their phones or wallets, but you won’t have to worry because you have neither. You can’t be robbed either. Peace of mind >>>
Gym membership? What’s that?
Source: Zikoko memes
That’s one less expense to worry about. Life will help you watch your weight.
There’s been a rising case of bathroom accidents sending people to their early graves (God, abeg), and it’s time to take some precautionary measures.
Smooth surface or not, if your bathroom floor is tiled you need to do these eight things.
Avoid tiles with smooth surfaces
You need to call a tiler ASAP if your bathroom tiles have smooth surfaces. Go for something with a rough surface instead.
Install grab bars
Source: Pontegiulio
The walls in your bathroom should never be completely bare. Get a plumber to install grab bars, so you can have something to hold onto in case of accidents.
ATTENTION: The hottest babes are gathering at HERtitude2023 on May 27th. Grab your tickets here.
Don’t be tempted to dance
No, really, save your moves for the dance floor. Your only business in the bathroom is to clean up and leave.
Get bathroom slippers
Source: Ubuy Nigeria
Not your crocs, dear. There are bathroom slippers with super grip features that could save your life.
Avoid raising one leg
This is calling for it, and a lot of us are guilty. A better alternative is to bend down and wash your legs properly. You can also sit in your bathtub. It’s safer.
Have a grip mat at the entrance
Source: Ubuy Nigeria
You should always dry your feet before heading to other parts of the room. You want to take this to heart if the rest of your house is tiled.
Save the intercourse for your bedroom
You’re not in Fifty Shades of Grey, dear. This is real life. Sex in the bathroom means multiple movements that are risky on all levels.
Wash your floors frequently
A dirty bathroom floor means a build up of slime, and that’s not good for anyone. It takes less than five minutes to hard brush your floor after bathing.
Are you even a real Lagosian if you don’t jump buses every ten market days? Use these seven tips to stay on guard when you board a Lagos danfo.
ATTENTION: Eko’s hottest babes are cruising in style toHERtitude 2023 on May 27th. Grab your tickets here to join the bus.
Always make a quick survey before you hop in
Is there a right mix of men and women? Where are they seated? Hard face or soft? These are the questions.
Avoid the front row
It’s always tight, hot, and you’re completely shut out from everything that’s happening inside the bus. The middle bench is the sweet spot.
Take pictures and videos
We know you can’t share your Lagos danfo ride details, but you want to put in the extra measure by taking short recordings of the driver, conductor and co-passengers. If they catch you, you’re on your own sha.
Don’t press your phone if you chose a window seat
That’s an open invitation to traffic robbers. After taking the security videos, your phone should be safely tucked in your bag.
Please, don’t sleep
We know you’ve had a long day, and the traffic isn’t helping matters. But please dear, don’t sleep. You could miss your stop, or God forbid, become prey to evil co-passengers.
Don’t take sensitive calls
You don’t know your co-passengers, so it’s just not wise to take business/work calls on the bus. Wait till you get home.
Mind your business
There’s nothing bad about socialising, but please, focus on your destination. The gist might be a ploy to get you distracted before stealing your soul or kidney.
The hottest babes in Lagos will be gathering at the hottest women-only party on May 27th. Grab your ticket to HERtitude2023 here!
Hilda Baci just broke the world record for the longest cooking marathon.
But there are some other things that Nigerians are so good at, that they need no motivation to break records in them.
Hailing you like their life depends on it
Nigerians have perfected the art of hailing. You could be struggling to buy bread and beans so you don’t die, someone will still see you and still say, “My Oga, after you na you”.
Arguing in traffic
One minute you’re driving quietly, and the next two people are shouting “Do you know who I am” on the road.
Fighting other countries online
The sky might be falling, but immediately a Ghanaian says our Jollof is shit, the whole federation comes together to fight for our honour.
Giving unsolicited advice
The average Nigerian will advise anyone and everyone. The annoying thing is that the advice is almost always unnecessary.
Sleep
A Nigerian will never pass up an opportunity to rest. The only reason you’re not sleeping right now is because you love Zikoko articles.
Insults that make you reconsider your self-worth
This dude called me “bombastic element” in Primary two and I felt it in my bones. It’s the Nigerian way.
Partying
Owambe wayyy! From throwing a party to celebrate a milestone to throwing another party to celebrate the success of the last party, we are definitely the kings and queens of enjoyment.
Speaking of partying, the hottest babes will be at HERtitude on May 27th. Click here to buy your tickets!
— Cute Black Babies (@Lilblackbabies) May 13, 2023
I’m here to expose these miniature people and reveal why all that cheap PR is just to trick unsuspecting folks into wanting more of them.
Babies have zero communication skills
Imagine not being able to survive on your own and you can’t talk. Why?
For such tiny people, they make so much noise
They can only communicate in a way that’ll destroy your peace of mind. And you still have to decipher whether they want milk, a diaper change, or nothing at all. You know they’re doing it just to run you mad because there’s never water in their eyes, just loud cries at awkward hours of the day.
They can’t even blow their own noses
I feel like blowing your nose is an important life skill to have if you plan to survive.
They can’t eat honey
No, I’m not making this up. Almost as if in exchange for cuteness, they got weak immune systems. Now, you have to do extra work outside capitalism just to get their meal plans right.
They can’t drink water
Babies younger than six months are in danger of water intoxication. Imagine dying because you drank water. Please, God.
Other baby animals > human babies
A newborn goat can stand in minutes. Infants, on the other hand, can’t even sit till they’re six months old. I know who my GOAT is.
They still have to learn how to sit
Imagine after waiting for nine months to learn to stand, they still have to learn to sit.
Babies are simply the perfect example of “great User Interface, terrible User Experience”.
Zikoko walks into a cabana with loud music booming from the speakers and a hype man standing in a corner. She’s led through the back to what can only be described as paradise.
Zikoko: Okay, what is this?
Oniru Beach: It’s a private residence of some sort.
Zikoko: It’s shiny.
Landmark Beach: [turns to Elegushi Beach] See? Told you a little sweeping and dusting is all you need.
Elegushi Beach: [mimics Landmark].
Zikoko: As much as I love this free day with you lot.
[Under her breath]
Because God knows it would’ve taken my entire salary to come on my own.
[Out loud]
Can we start this, so I can leave early and not sleep in the traffic Landmark has piling on from the gate?
Elegushi Beach: [chuckles]
Zikoko: No offense, but you’re not better.
Oniru Beach: [snickers]
Zikoko: Actually, you’re all birds of the same feather.
[points at Elegushi Beach]
You don’t know how to say no to people, so everyone’s always at yours making a mess.
[points at Landmark Beach]
You keep hosting parties and causing roadblocks. People might as well make reservations before visiting. You’ve basically become an Island restaurant.
Landmark Beach: I take exception to that.
Elegushi Beach: Ehn?! There’s one restaurant over there.
[He points left]
There
[He points right]
and there
[He points behind him]
Oniru Beach: Don’t you have restaurants too?
Elegushi Beach: Not as much as him.
Landmark Beach: So it’s just jealousy.
Zikoko: Okay, pause. Why is that even a thing?
Oniru Beach: What?
Zikoko: The endless restaurants. A beach is supposed to be for peace, relaxation, a little quiet time before you return to the “Hope this meets you well” emails. But there are bars, clubs and restaurants on every beach in Lagos. Also, how many of you am I actually interviewing?
[Zikoko digs into her bag]
Landmark Beach: You don’t want to eat at the beach? See, all the restaurants, bars and clubs you’re complaining about is not for us o. It’s for you.
Zikoko: Okay, but Lagosians are saying they don’t want…
Landmark Beach: No, Lagosians are not saying they don’t want. They’re saying they pay too much for them.
Zikoko: So you guys know it’s too much money?
Oniru Beach: I don’t think it’s too much. In fact, for all the white sand and blue water we provide, they need to pay more.
Zikoko: [Shakes head] There’s no blue water, the sand isn’t that white, and they’re already paying for everything else. Including chair to sit on.
Oniru Beach: That’s not true
Landmark and Elegushi Beach: [shake head]
Zikoko: They pay to park, enter, sit, drink, eat…
Elegushi Beach: No. They can bring whatever they want to eat.
Zikoko: Not in the new ones, they can’t.
Elegushi Beach: Which new ones? Ehn, they should not go to those ones now.
Zikoko: They’re nicer.
Oniru Beach: So why are you not interviewing them?
Zikoko: Because you people didn’t bring them.
Landmark Beach: Technically, I’m a new one.
Zikoko: Landmark, no offense, but we’ve seen you finish. You don’t count.
Oniru and Elegushi Beaches: [laugh]
Oniru Beach: Help us tell him.
Zikoko: I’m not on anyone’s side.
Elegushi Beach: See. There are over 30 of us, so I really think you should tell Lagosians to pick the one they like and be going there.
Zikoko: Okay, I understand what you’re saying. But that doesn’t change the fact that you all want to finish Lagosians with billing.
Landmark Beach: That’s a heavy accusation.
Oniru Beach: Exactly, we aren’t forcing anybody to come to us. It’s a choice they have to make.
Zikoko: Some people like the peace and relaxation the water gives.
Elegushi Beach: Like mami wata?
Zikoko: No, the water is supposed to be calming.
Oniru Beach: Ehn, they should pour water inside a glass and be looking at it. This is Lagos. Nothing goes for nothing, and we, the beaches in charge, have set our price.
Elegushi Beach: It’s not like we’re even asking for plenty money, just ₦2k here.
Oniru Beach: ₦5k there.
Landmark Beach: Sometimes, it might be small ₦10k.
Zikoko: ₦10k is not small o.
Oniru Beach: How is ₦10k small? I’m with Zikoko on this one.
Elegushi Beach: Count to ten with your fingers. Isn’t it plenty?
Landmark Beach: But Twitter people said…
Zikoko: [Lays back in her lounge chair]
Oniru Beach: What’re you doing?
Zikoko: Enjoying my free day at the beach.
[Pulls a headset out of her bag]
You can continue arguing about who’s the most expensive.
