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  • If You Played These 6 Street Football Games as a Kid, You Should Be Married Now

    Football is pretty big in Nigeria. Almost every child who grew up here played ball as a kid. Many of us even thought we were going to become professional footballers, but here we are sitting at our desks and writing Zikoko articles because our parents didn’t let us go out to play that one time when we were 7 (definitely not because we were trash at football).

    Anyway, if you played these six football games growing up, show us your marriage certificate.

    1. O.G.O

    Let me not lie, I can’t remember what O.G.O means anymore. I just know that before the games started, the ball had to bounce three times while everyone shouted the letters, O-G-O with each corresponding bounce. After that, it became free-for-all. No teammates. Dribble everybody. Tackle anybody. Score. And then whoever scored would be the goalkeeper until someone else scored. As chaotic as it was, I actually really liked it.

    2. Middle man

    5 Of The Famous Football-Crazy Communities In Lagos

    God, I hated this one so much. All the kids would gather in a circle and pass the ball around, making sure the kid in the middle couldn’t get their leg on the ball. In some places, once the person in the middle “touched” the ball with any part of their body except their arms, they’d won it, and the person who lost the ball had to step into the middle and strive to touch the ball too. In other places, the person in the middle had to “collect” — to win the ball completely and make a pass to another person in the circle before they were allowed to leave the middle.

    Sometimes, we couldn’t decide whose fault it was that the middleman got the ball, so two people would argue (or quarrel) because they didn’t want to be the one in the centre. That’s where people learnt to lie.

    3. Kolo beating

    This one was just pure evil. Pure, unadulterated evil. It was so evil, we decided to write an entire article about it. If you don’t know about it (or don’t remember — smh, signs of old age), read the article. But spoiler alert, it always ended like this:

    4. Monkey post

    Street football in Africa: flyovers and floating schools - in pictures | Cities | The Guardian

    Monkey post was where all the great finishers in Nigeria were created. How could a football post be so small? The point of monkey post wasn’t the goals though. It was the dribbles. The dirty, nasty dribbles that would leave you wondering why you left your house to come and be disgraced in front of everyone.

    ALSO READ: 7 Reasons Why You Are the Cause Of Your Problems

    5. One touch

    Sport and Dance – Nigeria

    This one wasn’t so competitive. Just simple one-touch passes. If you made more than one touch on the ball, you were out.

    6. Four post

    14 Slangs You'll Hear At Every Nigerian Street Football Field | Zikoko!

    There were four goalposts in a rectangle and one man to each post. Score anybody you like. Super fun. Sometimes, they added one-touch to it.

    QUIZ: Can We Guess The Football Club You Support?

    David Odunlami

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  • These 11 Hymns From “Songs of Praise” Are Guaranteed to Make Every Millennial Nostalgic

    If you went to a Nigerian primary or secondary school, there’s a high chance you were mandated to bring a tiny blue book called Songs of Praise (SOP) to assembly every morning. If you didn’t being that book, you probably chopped a few strokes of cane or served a punishment.

    Songs of Praise songs slapped differently, so on today”s episode of Nostalgia by Zikoko, we bring you your favourite SOP songs.

    1. The OG: “All things bright and beautiful…”

    We can bet you know this one from A to Z even now. It was just that jam.

    2. “There is a green hill far away…”

    Was the plan to make us sad at assemblies? Because this song about Jesus’ crucifixion was just a bit too deep.

    3. “Lead us heavenly Father, lead us.”

    Where this song hits hardest is where it goes, “Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us, for we have no help but thee!” We sang it with so much passion like we could already tell that adulthood was gonna be the ghetto.

    4. “Praise him, praise him, praise him, praise him, praise the everlastingggg king.”

    Even if you didn’t know any other part of this song, once the chorus came up, you screamed at the top of your lungs. Good times.

    5. “For his mercies they endure, ever faithful, ever pure.”

    This one sounded like a call and response. The response was for the people that didn’t bring their hymn books to assembly.

    6. “Stand up, stand up for — stand up for Jesus!”

    This one was a war cry. The boys loved it.

    7. “Rock of ages, cleft for me.”

    “Let me hiiiiiiiiide myself in thee.” 

    Till today, I don”t know what “cleft” means.

    8. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.”

    They’d ask us to sing this one after preaching salvation. Always hit the spot.

    9. “Immortal, invisible God, only wise…”

    “Most glorious, most holy, the ancient of days… almighty, victorious, thy great name we praise.”

    10. “Come, come and worship”

    Come, come and — COME AND WORSHIP, come and — COME AND WORSHIP, come and WORRRRRSHIPPPPPP!

    11. “Oh Jesus I have promised to love thee till the end”

    Do you still love Jesus?

    QUIZ: How Many Primary School Subjects Can You Handle?

    David Odunlami

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  • 6 Snacks You Ate As A Child But Would Probably Kill You Now

    Admit it. You ate some really insane snacks as a child. You got away with all that because children are God’s natural crackheads and can survive anything. But if you try eating some of those things now, your organs will shrivel up and die, causing your body to pack up. Why? Because adulthood is the ghetto and your body weakens as you get older.

    Here are six snacks from your childhood that’ll probably kill you (or at least, cause you immense pain as your body struggles to digest and process them).

    1. Baba dudu

    DIY: How to make Baba Dudu » Sony247

    Remember when you would buy one roll of baba dudu after school and just lick away your sorrows until your jaw starts to ache? Well, those memories better be enough for you, because if you eat baba dudu now, you’re getting a trip to the dentist and/or multiple trips to the toilet.

    2. Nutri C/ Eve

    ICE cream 🇳🇱 on Twitter: "This thing can give you one crate of soft drinks when you mix it 😂😂😂 https://t.co/o5IOJ4bYuj" / Twitter

    Why did our parents let us drink this? That thing could feed a party of 30 people, and we were out here pouring two sachets into our 50cl water bottles. Jesus Christ. The concentration!

    3. Goody Goody

    Image result for goody goody throwback thursday

    Honestly, Goody Goody tasted great. If I could actually find it to buy, I’d have some again. But if adult me eats as much Goody Goody as I did when I was a child, I’d end up in the ER and ICU ASAP. My body would simply disintegrate. And all that sticking to my teeth shit? Not worth it.

    4. For some reason, milk (or any dairy products)

    Milk - Wikipedia

    Sometimes, I walk up to a mirror and ask myself, “How can your weakness be milk?” It doesn’t make any sense. One moment, you’re drinking milk in your cornflakes as a child, the next, you’re cancelling plans because the yoghurt you had three days before is quite literally kicking your ass. God, please.

    5. Telephone Juice

    16 Foods From Your Nigerian Childhood You'll Probably Never See ...

    This thing tasted like they rinsed the containers of a factory that made juice and then added gutter water to it. Why did we enjoy it so much?

    6. Robo Robo

    10 Nigerian Foods And Drinks That We Kind Of Miss - Listwand

    This thing was M&M’s that never made it out of the hood. Amazing stuff, though. 10/10 would definitely recommend (to an adult trying to get cavities).

    QUIZ: If You Can Recognise 10/13 Of These Candies, You Need To See The Dentist

    David Odunlami

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  • 5 Funny Tortoise Stories Nigerian Kids Can Never Forget

    Many Nigerian kids grew up hearing folktales about the crafty tortoise and eventually came to realise that Mr Tortoise, or Ajapa as he is sometimes called, is the worst scammer in the business. Here are 5 funny tortoise stories we’ll never forget. 

    1. Tortoise in the sky

    In this story, Tortoise tapped into his inner Nigerian politician and asked for a feather from every bird so that he could make wings to follow them to a feast in the sky he wasn’t invited to. After taking advantage of their kindness, he tricked them by making them change their names for this party. He chose the name “All of you,” which led to this dirty bitch eating all the food and drinks that the party organisers offered to “All of you”. The birds got pissed, collected their feathers, and left him stranded in the clouds. This shameless animal still had the guts to beg one of the birds to bring out all the soft things in his house so he could jump from the cloud. Already over tortoise’s nonsense,the bird brought out the strongest materials in his house for the tortoise to land on. Mr Tortoise jumped and doomed his species to an eternity of cracked shells. 

    2. The Tortoise and the Wisdom gourd

    One thing about the stories starring Tortoise is how illogical it can be. In this story, Tortoise was distressed because he wanted to be the wisest person in the world. So he gathered all of the world’s wisdom into a gourd, which totally makes sense and took a long trip to the biggest tree he could find so as to hide his new treasure. When he found it, he noticed that his son had been following him. With all the knowledge he had, he didn’t know how he’d be able to climb the tree while holding the gourd. His son told him to put the gourd on his back so he could climb it. He was confused at how smart his son was since he had collected all the wisdom in the world. Realising how foolish his quest was, the tortoise smashed the gourd and went back home. 

    3. Tortoise and monkey

    Turns out that the tortoise and the monkey used to be friends a long time ago, but one day, the monkey cheated Mr tortoise. Instead of taking accountability for his actions, the monkey laughed in the tortoise’s face and refused to apologize. Tortoise went home and asked his wife to prepare the sweetest bean cakes she’d ever made. When it was ready, Mr Tortoise took it to the Lion and offered some to him. Lion loved it so much, he had to know where he could get some. Tortoise lied that it was made with monkey’s faeces and to get it that sweet, he had to be severely beaten. Lion immediately dashed off to the monkey’s house and demanded that the monkey produce bean cakes. Monkey tried to explain that there must’ve been a misunderstanding but was immediately beaten to a pulp by Lion. Lion eventually realized that he had been a pawn in the tortoise game and leaves. Tortoise, who had watched the whole thing play out, came out from his hiding place to laugh at him. The jungle is tough sha.

    4. The tortoise and the princess

    In this tortoise story, there was a king with a beautiful daughter who wanted to marry her off so he organised a contest and invited all the eligible men in the land. He ordered his chefs to make the hottest pepper soup and, on the day of the contest revealed that whoever won his daughter’s hand in marriage would be someone who could drink the pepper soup without showing discomfort. All the men and animals tried to drink the pepper soup but could not hold back. When it was Tortoise’s turn, he devised a plan. He told the crowd that he was going to sing a song for the princess and that anytime he drinks from the bowl, they should all collectively hiss. The tortoise then used their loud hiss to cover up his as they enjoyed the song too much to notice. He soon finished the soup, and while the king was sad to hand his beautiful daughter to a tortoise, he had made a vow and could not go back on it. The tortoise should be in jail.

    5. Why the Tortoise has a bald head

    Turns out that tortoises used to have hair before. Long ago, Mr dog and his family were making porridge yam, like the evil spirit he is, Mr Tortoise somehow smelt and followed the aroma to the dog’s house. Instead of asking for a plate like a sensible person, Tortoise decided to lie that the king had summoned Mr dog and his family, Tortoise promised to safeguard his house while they were away. As soon as they left, he began to eat as much as he could, knowing that they would hurry back as soon as they realized that the king wasn’t even around. He heard them approaching and decided to take some porridge home for his family but he had nothing to put it in, he got the brilliant idea to stuff the porridge in his hat and wear it. Mr dog came back and was so annoyed that Tortoise had wasted his time and they argued for a bit when all the tortoise wanted to do was rush home. The pain eventually got too much for the tortoise to bear, so he removed his hat and the porridge along with his hair fell out to everyone’s dismay. That’s why Tortoises are bald. 

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Things We Miss About Children’s Day

    Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please.

    On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article just for you.

    1. The advertisement’s a week before

    Every brand that lives on God’s green earth would do what I like to call the battle of brands, dishing out heartwarming adverts so we could all beg our parents to buy us things we’d hate an hour later. How else would you know children’s day was close?

    2. The parties

    You either went to a party hosted by a television station, a bank, a restaurant, an amusement park or that one family friends mom that has plenty of money and the party? Capri-sun, those weird erasers that don’t work, surprise pack. Those were the days, with the bouncing castles and rides.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. The parades

    I was and will always be against marching for no reason but people seemed to enjoy marching at the national stadium and there were gifts there too.

    4. The party food

    The Jollof, with big pieces of chicken and hot drinks, always slapped better when we knew we were being celebrated. Some things just feel sacred

    5. The party games

    We were allowed to lose our home training only on the dance floor. Is it ridiculous to dancing Shakira’s hips don’t lie in a ball gown? Yes, but that was not the point. If you won, who gon’ check you? The dance around the chair game mostly ended in tears and the one where you’d have to bring out the person that brought you to the party to dance, take me back.

    6. The gear

    Nice shoes and clothes if your parents were about that life, wristwatches that didn’t work after that day and the sunglasses, don’t forget the sunglasses.

    7. The do-over party

    Churches and mosques would still celebrate the kids again when they went to church or the mosque. Man what a time we had during children’s day.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    Malakai Bassey

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  • Are you a Nigerian Student? Are you in a relationship with a fellow Nigerian student? If your answer to these questions is “yes”, then definitely understand these struggles stated below

    1. The roommate that does not understand privacy

    You have been telling Cynthia about how bae is coming over for some private time since the beginning of the week. The day finally arrives and that is when Cynthia remembers to start cooking beans. You try giving her signs, but this is Cynthia

    2. When all the course mates are monitoring spirits

    One day, you decided to not sit beside bae, and they are asking you if you broke up. Ogbeni, do not let the devil use you!

    3. It is worse when the lecturers are in on it too

    They ask bae a question and they cannot answer? that is where you come in. Both of you cannot answer?

    4. Spending money on dates

    The last money in your account is meant for course material, but babe has been craving pizza and shawarma for a while now.

    Course is temporary, but faaji is forever

    5. Weekend classes

    Why is it always during weekend gateaway time that Professor Azeez remembers he wants to set test, practical, and exam part 1?

    6. Class schedules

    If you and bae are not in the same department and level, seeing them might be very difficult. Some cases, both of you only run into each other shuttling classes looking like different variations of this:

    7. When the semester finally ends and everyone has to go home

    You are stressed because bae lives in Lagos and you in Edo state. Even if you lived in the same state, your mother will not allow you go out at night.

    If you struggle or have struggled with any of these, we understand your frustration, and we are putting you in our prayers

    Itohan Esekheigbe

    , ,
  • If Disney Princesses Had Nigerian Parents

    We all know that Disney princesses are not the best decision-makers, and even those who still had both parents in the picture, like Merida, or just one, like Ariel, still managed to make horrible, sometimes even life-threatening choices.

    Now, imagine they all had Nigerian parents that stopped that innate stupidity before it manifested, either through rigorous prayer sessions or the strike of an eba stick. Well, let’s just say all our favourite Disney movies would be virtually non-existent.

    1. Merida (Brave)

    Merida vehemently refused to get married, used witchcraft to turn her mother into an animal, and then nearly killed her. Granted, it was mostly accidental, but when did actual intention ever matter?

    Brave mom and daughter

    It’s safe to say that if her parents were Nigerian, Merida would either be dead or in the village with her grandmother fixing her life.

    fix it jesus

    2. Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

    Anyone with Nigerian parents would know better than to take anything, not to mention food from a stranger; much less a stranger who looks like this:

    evil queen

    I mean, a Nigerian mother would teach you that before she even starts teaching you how to speak.

    oprah side eye

    3. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

    In retrospect, King Tritan was way too soft on Ariel. How many Nigerian fathers would let their fifteen-year-old daughter sneak out with friends at night? Yeah, didn’t think so.

    Ariel out at Night

    Ariel wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to see Eric, not to talk of selling her soul so she could go on a date with him. Like, HOW?

    doing yourself

    4. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

    Maleficent, the King’s ex, actually gatecrashed Aurora’s naming ceremony to come and place a curse on her. Like, WOW!

    maleficient

    Nope. Nah. Uhn-Uhn. A Nigerian mother would have dragged her out of that Owambe by her horns, and then proceeded to stab her with them.

    you want to die

    5. Pocahontas (Pocahontas)

    Do you remember when John Smith told Pocahontas “we improve the lives of savages…” Lmao! My God!

    pocahontas

    It already takes a small army to get a Nigerian parent on board with who you like, then imagine he is a foreigner that says stupid shit like that. You can be sure that love is already invalid.

    Shut up

    6. Anna (Frozen)

    Anna, one of the most recent Disney princesses we were introduced to, sang a love song and got engaged to the first man she met, on the first day she met him.

    hans

    If any of our favourite Disney Princesses needed the classic (and thoroughly effective) Nigerian mother side-eye, it was certainly her.

    dont be silly

    NerdEfiko

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  • 23 Tweets That Prove Nigerians Were Extra Funny From 2014 To 2015

    Nigerians are still hilarious on Twitter today, but there must have been something in the air around 2014 and 2015 that made them extra funny. Here are 23 tweets from that time that prove that point.

    1. The tweet about Sugar Daddies.

    2. The tweet about Lagos traffic.

    https://twitter.com/iamsupervillain/status/650020557203881984

    3. The tweet about having an ugly bae.

    4. The tweet about NEPA.

    5. The tweet about Bella Naija weddings.

    6. The tweet about kidnappers.

    7. The tweet about the pain of childbirth.

    https://twitter.com/iamsupervillain/status/608890142762393600

    8. The tweet about puff puff.

    9. The tweet about superstitions.

    10. The tweet about Nigerian mothers.

    https://twitter.com/TheAdenike/status/560511821497761792

    11. The tweet about getting married.

    12. The tweet about wedding aso-ebi.

    13. The tweet about shopping.

    14. The tweet about Instagram chefs.

    15. The tweet about marine spirits.

    16. The tweet about bad breakups.

    17. The tweet about meat.

    18. The tweet about Nigerian customer service.

    19. The tweet about job Interviews.

    20. The tweet about soup.

    21. The tweet about the Choc boys.

    22. The tweet about candy crush.

    https://twitter.com/SirLeoBDasilva/status/646449473619668993

    23. The tweet about Nigerian driving instructors.

    NerdEfiko

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  • 5 Things That Happen When You First Join Nigerian Twitter

    Twitter is like that fun party every millenial got an invite to and one that every millenial actually wants in on. But breaking into this party is not always so easy. And did I mention that Nigerian Twitter is an extreme sport? Because it really is, complete with penalties and fatal injuries. If you’re just joining Nigerian Twitter then you will most likely experience the things on this list.

    1. It will be soliloquy for a long time.

    Your first tweets will basically be you just talking to yourself. No likes, no comments, no retweets. Just you, yourself and your tweets chilling on your timeline like losers no one wants to hang out with.

    2. Then you post your first hot picture and you realize that people actually see your tweets.

    Zikoko-Nigerian twitter

    But they are just not interested in reading and engaging with you your smart logic, big English and 50 followers. They only want to see fine pishure.

    3. You witness your first drag fest.

    Zikoko-Nigerian twitter

    And then for the first time you have a front row seat at a twitter drag fest complete with savage punchlines, and damning screenshots. You watch as they literally skin the subject alive and even proceed to grind the bones.

    4. You collect your first savage clap back. 

    Zikoko-Nigerian twitter

    And you are like why are you people so angry and rude? Who hurt you? For some people this marks the end of their tweeting careers, for others it gives them the ginger they need.

    5. Then you hit your first popular tweet.

    Zikoko-Nigerian twitter

    The tweet that finally garners beautiful likes, sweet retweets and lovely comments. And you go back to that tweet every 5 minutes to tell yourself- Yassss, I have arrived. Until another savage clap back jams you.

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Blessing Onyelobi

    , ,
  • 6 Annoying Things About Philippine Movies

    Like Zeeworld movies, Phillipine movies also come with a method. And an annoying one too. And of course because i am a hater who always comes prepared, here’s a list of 6 annoying things about Phillipine movies to give you perspective.

    1. They are always misplacing their children.

    Case in point: Mara and Clara. The story of twins misplaced at birth who later meet somehow in the future with one twin being rich and the other being poor. Like how?

    2. Or they lost their memory.

    These people have romanticed memory loss and amnesia. Talmabout; Where am I? Who am i? You’re on earth child. You finish watching an episode and suddenly feel like after mascara the next thing you need to apply is some memory loss.

    2. There is always the rich boy poor girl dynamic.

    zikoko-phillipine movies

    Can’t two rich people fall in love? And can’t two poor people fall in love? Is love now an economic statement? Do we need to start a twitter call out fest before you people realize that poor people can fall in love too?

    3. Then someone always does a perfect plastic surgery to become someone else to confuse both the audience and characters.

    zikoko- phillipine movies

    This caption is actually your best shot at understanding what goes on there.

    4. The Lip syncing.

    zikoko- phillipine movies

    Yes, we can tell the actors are speaking in a language that is not English.

    5. The only thing everybody is always interested in is falling in love.

    zikoko- phillipine movies

    Which makes me wonder if the government sponsors their existence and pays for all the fine clothes they are always rocking.

    6. Too many plot twists.

    First he died, then he wasn’t really dead, then he started living elsewhere and fell in love afresh, then he died again, then he went back to his first love. One person o. You miss one episode and everything just falls apart.

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Blessing Onyelobi

    , , , ,
  • Here’s How To Know If You’re Addicted To Your Mobile Phone

    Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone.

    Okay, let’s not jump the gun with the addict name-calling; check this list we made about phone addicts and see if you fit the bill:

    1. Your phone is the very first thing you reach for when you wake up in the morning.

    Your Open Heavens looking at you and praying you change.

    2. You need your phone with you when you’re about to take your bath.

    Who’s going to supply your early morning gbedu otherwise?

    3. It’s in your hands when you’re all up in the toilet too.

    *Shudders at the memory of reading the Glade ingredients the last time you used the toilet without your phone*

    4. How you rush to charge your phone when the battery goes below 5%.


    Your baby side-eying you, wondering why you don’t rush to feed it like that.

    5. The way your heart beats when the moment you get a notification.

    The actual best feeling.

    6. The sadness when you leave your phone for hours and no one messages you.

    Where is the love?

    7. The way you start eyeing the new model of your phone, the minute it comes out.

    Just to touch the hem of the garment of this new iPhone.

    8. Obsessing over phone cases to give the phone.

    Nigerian struggle

    Should I do pink or black? How about pink and black?

    9. How you behave when you’re in VI and you realise you left your phone at home in Agege.


    It’s not too far, let me quickly go back. Maybe she has replied my DM.

    So, convinced you’re an addict now?

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • This Is For You If You’ve Never Celebrated Valentine’s Day

    Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table.

    1. You, when you hear that Valentine is coming.

    Image result for unbothered meme

    Because to you, February 14 is just another day in the calendar. Why kill yourself?

    2. You, when they advertise Valentine package.

    Image result for mo ya look away memes

    Mo ya look away.

    3. You, when everyone is getting excited.

    Image result for judging you memes

    What’s the unnecessary excitement for?

    4. Your face whenever some calls you unromantic.

    Image result for shut the fuck up memes

    Valentine’s Day is not just the only day to show love to your partner. It should be everyday, duh!

    5. You, when another love song comes up on the radio.

    Wozoldis, for goodness sake?

    6. You, when Valentine ends and you can go back to your normal life.

    Image result for sigh of relief

    Sigh of relief.

    Kunle Ologunro

    ,
  • 10 Common Lies Nigerians Tell

    In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told at least half of them in your lifetime. Ole ni everybody.

    1. “I’m already on the bike.”

    Liz Benson pissed off by liars

    When they’ve not even left the house.

    2. “Hello? Hello? Ah, this network is bad o.”

    Nigerians lying on the phone

    Especially when it’s time to talk about their debts.

    3. “It’s not even the stolen iPhone X that pained me. It’s my SIM card.”

    Nollywook actor Okunnu annoyed about lying

    You mean your free Glo SIM card? Abegi shut up.

    4. “Your clothes will be ready next week.”

    nigerian tailors disappointing clients

    The trademark lie of Nigerian tailors.

    5. “I’m not even pained by the break-up. I just want to know who they are dating now.”

    Just say it’s paining you. We will understand.

    6. “I used to come first back then in secondary school.”

    Nigerian parents, hello.

    7. “Oga, climb the bike. I sabi the place well-well.”

    Image result for okada riders

    Hausa bike riders when they’re about to ‘lost’ you.

    8. “We’ll just cuddle, nothing more.”

    Image result for why you lying meme

    That’s how someone I know started cuddling a pregnancy.

    9. “It will not come out in the exam.”

    Image result for nigerian lecturers

    But it’s question one and compulsory.

    10. “I am not aware of any Social Media Bill.”

    The role model we all look up to.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 5 Pictures That Perfectly Describe Saturdays In A Nigerian Household

    Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings.

    1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM.

    In which your parents can slap you for dozing, not singing out loud enough, not praying properly.

    2. After prayers come the house chores.

    In which doing the laundry ranks as number one, followed by sweeping, dusting the house, washing plates.

    3. Cleaning your room.

    Image result for scattered room

    Otherwise no breakfast for you.

    4. Pap for breakfast.

    A Saturday morning delicacy in every Nigerian household.

    5. Homework time.

    Image result for nigerian children doing homework

    There’s never time to play on a Saturday. You must focus on your books, bring home that first position, and go ahead to become a doctor.

    We made a list of annoying house chores everyone hated as a child. Have you read it?

    Kunle Ologunro

    ,
  • 6 Cadbury Breakfast Shows To Remind 90’s Babies Of Simpler Times

    Growing up, Saturdays used to be fun thanks to Cadbury Nigeria and Silverbird television. However, these days, as an adult, Saturdays are filled with unfinished work from the week before. If you are lucky, maybe a nice outing or mild to moderate fornication. Still, all these don’t fill the void the way cartoons used to as kids.

    We present, a list of shows that made growing up bearable:

    1) Freakazoid!

    I can hear the theme song playing in my head:

    Super-teen extraordinaire
    Freakazoid! Freakazoid!
    Runs around in underwear
    Freakazoid! Freakazoid!

    Freakazoid Zikoko cadbury breakfast show

    2) Family Matters:

    Oh, sweet boy Steve Urkel. Precious precious boy

    Family matters Zikoko Cadbury breakfast show

    3) Biker Mice:

    Biker mice from marssss. The intro sent enough chills that you had to beg NEPA not to take light. It was preferable to not even have light to watch it than to start and get cut off mid-way through an episode. It was that good!

    Biker mars from mars Zikoko cadbury breakfast show

    4) Animaniacs

    It’s time for Animaniacs. What struck me the most was how destructive and troublesome they were. I was always stressed to see what new trouble they could conjure. Whew. Under the Animaniacs universe, one of my favorite cartoons was the one about the chicken pretending to be human. Chicken boo?

    Animaniacs Zikoko cadbury breakfast show

    5) Tom and Jerry Kids

    Just look at how adorable they look but looks are deceiving.

    6) The KKB show

    Memory is a tricky thing and I don’t recall if this was part of the Cadbury show or just a Saturday special. Anyhow, my meat! my personal meat! will forever reign supreme in my head. After all, Kids know besssstt.

    Honorable shout out to Golden Rockerz, Last Kid Standing, Work It Out, Tales by Moonlight, Fun Time.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 14 Things You Will Understand If Your Phone Has Ever Betrayed You

    Phones might be one of the best things to have happened in recent decades, but they came with their baggage too — from software to hardware problems. Hardware issues are easier to deal with, but when your phone develops a fault and you have no idea what is wrong, things become a little complicated. If you’ve been down this road, you will relate to this.

    How your mood changes when your phone goes off and won’t come back on

    Image result for jide kosoko meme

    What’s all this now.

    You, in denial thinking the problem will fix itself

    Reaction Whatever GIF by moodman

    Let me just leave it alone for a few hours.

    You, scouring google for what might be wrong

    I can’t be the only one this thing has happened to

    You, looking at all the confusing results

    confused issa rae GIF by Insecure on HBO

    Can you people write in English, please?

    When you find a piece of information you didn’t know about your phone

    surprised wait what GIF by Saturday Night Live

    Eh ehn? But this is not what I’m looking for at the moment.

    When you’ve tried everything but your phone is still not working

    Why are you doing this to me?

    When you realise that you have to take it to a repair centre

    I didn’t sign up for this stress, abeg

    And the money you will spend because you don’t have a warranty

    But I paid in full for you.

    When they tell you what’s wrong with your phone

    Image result for odunlade adekola memes

    All I need to know is if you can fix it

    And how much it’s going to cost you

    I think I should just buy a new phone

    When they tell you to come back after two weeks

    Image result for jide kosoko meme

    You mean I won’t have a phone for 14 days?

    You, counting down down the days

    This life is hard and I have no friends

    When you go back for your phone and it’s been fixed

    Hallelujah!

    You, looking at what you have left in your account

    Ha!

    Toheeb Lanlehin

  • All The Many Questions That Come To Mind When Starting A New Job

    “Congratulations, you got the job.” comes with its own brand of anxiety.

    That’s when imposter syndrome from your village people comes out to visit, asking questions like: “can you perform? how long before they discover that you are a fraud?”

    There are also other problems more work-related with a new 9-5, especially in Nigeria. So, what are some of these issues?

    Where do they sell food?

    See, I don’t joke with food and neither should you. It’s quite important to find out on the very first day of starting at a new job where they sell the sweetest yet affordable food. Never allow capitalism to win.

    African man eating:newjob

    How many toilets are there?

    For people like us who have shy sphincters, we need time, music, and enough privacy to do our business. You don’t want a situation where people are knocking on the door because there is only one toilet in the office. I even advise that one of the interview questions to ask is: “how many toilets do you have in the company?”

    FrankDonga: new job

    Hope they don’t owe salary?

    Affliction shall never rise again. Especially if you have experienced that kind of situation in the past. This is one of the many questions that nags at the back of your mind.

    Goodluck Jonathan: New job

    Okay, what time do we close?

    There are some 24-hour jobs disguised as 9-5. So, part of the questions on your mind is that hope this one isn’t one of those.

    Is there December bonus?

    Pls, help. Thanks and God bless.

    Buhari: new job

    What’s the cost of transportation?

    Is there holdup on my work route? Do I need 5 buses, I boat, 2 flying carpets before I get to work and how much of my salary goes to that?

    I hope they acknowledge public holidays?

    If your profession is under essential categories such as healthcare, police, banker, etc. Just don’t bother, your reward is in heaven.

    Obama thinking

    Are there boundaries? especially with food.

    I genuinely hope no one steals lunch or takes my drink without my permission. There is nothing more stressful than obnoxious colleagues.

    Can we work from home?

    Please. I can’t do traffic struggles. Please.

    boy talking into a microphone Zikoko ielts

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • 13 Things That Still Give Covenant University Graduates PTSD

    If you graduated from Covenant University, chances are you still get nightmares about the stressful place. So, as a former student myself, I’ve put together a couple of things that still trigger me, and I’m sure you feel the same way.

    1. The sight of a small white bus.

    Your brain just screams, “BUS 5”.

    2. The video game character, Mario.

    Reminds you of the pocket-sized demon that tortured us.

    3. The word “Caution”.

    You immediately feel the urge to shut up.

    4. People named Muyiwa.

    If your name is Muyiwa, can you even trust yourself?

    5. Filling forms.

    Always triggers memories of filling offence forms.

    6. Biometric devices.

    Our thumbs have suffered.

    7. Audis.

    The only other car we feared as much as Bus 5.

    8. The animated villain, Megamind.

    Reminds you of the other big-headed villain that haunted chapel.

    9. When your device starts “pairing”.

    Ah. I’m not pairing oh.

    10. The word “Papa”.

    Is there a word you hate more?

    11. When someone says “Good news”.

    You already know it never is.

    12. Whenever you see corporate clothes.

    Take that tie away from me.

    13. The entire Ogun state.

    Ogun state reminds you of Ota, which in turn reminds you of CU.

    NerdEfiko

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  • 10 Struggles Only People Who Hate Pictures Will Understand

    The camera became a thing that’s pre-installed on phones, and it changed everything. The world jumped on the wave, embraced the technology, and became photographers of sorts. However, there are some people who find pictures repulsive, especially if they are in it. If the sight of a camera makes you want to lose your shit, this is for you

    1. When a new phone comes out and everyone won’t stop talking about the camera quality

    Just negodu. So many cool features and this is what you like?

    2. You never use your phone’s flashlight as camera flash

    I’m a simple person with simple needs.

    3. You, after taking about 30 selfies and all of them come out as ugly

    Well, you can’t say I didn’t try

    4. When you try to avoid a group photo and someone asks you to join

    Why can’t you mind your business?

    5. You, when someone offers to take a photo of you

    Don’t you have more important things to do in your life?

    6. How you struggle to find a good pose

    Image result for Jonathan thinking

    But life shouldn’t be this hard.

    7. When someone has taken about three pictures of you and they’re still want to take more

    Don’t you get tired? Stop. Just stop.

    8. When someone asks to see your phone gallery

    Oh, you like staring into nothingness?

    9. You, when you have to take a passport photograph

    Just kill me.

    10. You, when you take a picture you actually like

    I’m a what? A spec.

    Toheeb Lanlehin

  • 12 Of The Most Unlikely Places To Find Love In Nigeria

    “We found love in a hopeless place” – Rihanna.

    No matter how old you are, we all agree that only love can make us whole again. It doesn’t even have to be romantic, even familial love counts. So, where are some of the most absurd yet hilarious places to find love in this country?

    1) Linkedln:

    Adding someone to your network has a different meaning depending on how you look at it. Think about it. The best part is that you people are doing professional love.

    design for ZIkoko love

    2) Market:

    It’s a hot sunny day in the market, flies are buzzing, you both reach for meat on the tray. Your hands touch and you feel a connection, the meat seller fades into the background, the market noise dims out. Your reverie is interrupted by the meat seller saying “N3,500 jale jale.” Love at first touch.

    design for love Zikoko

    3) Anatomy lab:

    You are dicing up cadavers, you both reach out to cut the same part of the body. Everything slows down, you perceive the smell of formalin mixed with her fragrance. Her hair sways in the heat of the darkroom, you have never seen anyone look more glorious. Love at first anatomy session.

    design for ZIkoko love

    4) ATM queue:

    It’s funny how a simple “I am behind you” can lead to a lifetime of being behind her. She smiles and says sure. Your heart skips a beat and you mutter under your breath “mafo.” Unbeknownst, you have fallen in love. You really found love in a hopeless place.

    design for ZIkoko love

    5) Deliverance session:

    “I am looking for heaven for the devil in me” – Florence Welch.

    You are her heaven and she’s your reformed devil. The Ying to your Yang, the Lagos state to your stress levels.

    design for ZIkoko love

    6) Trekking:

    Apart from listening to music, other fun things Lagosians can do while walking includes asking for genotype, blood group, family’s history. If all checks, you can get married by the end of the week.

    design for ZIkoko love

    7) Nairaland:

    Freak on the Nairaland streets, sweetheart in the Whatsapp sheets. Just open a “looking for love” forum on the website and you never know where it may end.

    design for ZIkoko love

    8) At your own wedding:

    Don’t let your partner stop you from finding the love of your life.

    design for ZIkoko love

    9) IELTS center:

    A couple that studies together, jaapa together. More points for you. If you know, you know.

    design for ZIkoko love

    10) Witch meeting:

    After plotting on who to destroy and whose soul to steal, you catch up with your fellow coven member for drinks. Drinks here means blood just so we are clear. It’s funny what people are outside of “work.” People really are multi-faceted, you are intrigued so you find yourself continuously thinking of them. No binding and casting fashioned against your romance can prosper.

    design for ZIkoko love

    11) Instablog Naija comments section:

    The enthusiasm with which they support Tacha is what catches your eye. Passionate is how you’d describe them to your friends. Their vulgar nature and boldness makes you hot in certain previously cold parts of your body. Love really has made you whole again.

    design for ZIkoko love

    12) Zikoko’s online dating show:

    You don’t believe us? watch the trailer below:

    Hassan Yahaya

    ,
  • All The People You Will Find At A Nigerian University Convocation Ceremony
    Convocation ceremony

    The convocation ceremony is a pretty big event for everyone involved. For the graduates, it’s the official confirmation that they’re really done with the school. For parents, it’s the perfect day to show off their children’s intelligence to their friends. Anyway, as it is with everywhere there is a gathering of Nigerians, you will find different categories of people. This is a list of everyone you can expect to see at any Nigerian convocation ceremony:

    The Unabashed Slayers

    These people will die before they miss out on the chance to add something new to their closet, so the convocation is the perfect cover they need to go on a wild shopping spree. One of the primary reasons they’re at the ceremony is to show everyone that cares how great their style is. They’re only doing it once, they might as well do it right.

    The Photo Enthusiasts

    Sure, convocations are important events that need to be documented, but some people take this to another level. They’re at there to take a shitload of pictures to keep for future reference – whatever that means.

    The Overly Excited Parents

    Image result for sola sobowale wedding party"

    They’ve been looking forward to this day from the moment they started paying tuition. Now that their ‘God When’ prayers have been answered, they show no restraints and would go all out to show how excited they are. Also, they know that academics is out of the way, they can now focus o

    The Grumpy Graduate

    Image result for Kanye West wearing graduation gown"

    They could care less about the convocation ceremony and what it signifies. As far as they re concerned, it’s a glorified secondary school valedictory service. The only reason they’re there is that their parents forced them to attend.

    The Efikos

    Image result for best graduating student"

    They don’t even mean to, but they make others who didn’t graduate with a high-grade wonder why they came to the ceremony at all. Their name is on the Vice-Chancellor and everyone that matters lips, and everyone wants to shake them and pat them on the back for being geniuses.

    The Tent Scouters

    convocation ceremony party

    These are still students of the school, but woe betides them if they don’t make themselves a part of the celebrations. They move in groups, making stops at different tents where the actual celebrants are, in the hopes that they will get packs of food and souvenirs. They don’t care if it’s a bad look on them; the game is the game.

    Toheeb Lanlehin

    ,
  • 7 Moments In Life When It’s Perfectly Okay To Be Half-Naked In Public

    Nudity or being half-naked is greatly frowned upon. Well, unless under certain circumstances and events. This just goes to show that almost all of life is contextual so don’t tight everything to your chest. So, when is it acceptable to be half-naked in public?

    Let’s begin:

    1) Buying jeans at Yaba market:

    I repeat: Yaba market is the only place you can casually take off your cloth and no one bats an eye. To protest against cloth removal can be dangerous self.

    jeans in Yaba market, Zikoko halfnaked

    2) Fighting in Lagos traffic:

    No one takes you seriously in Lagos if you don’t pull off your cloth to fight. The number of removed clothing items equals the level of seriousness to the cause. There is only one rule which is that there is no rule.

    Lagos traffic fight scene. Zikoko half-naked

    3) Playing football:

    Players pull off their shirts in front of hundreds of thousands of people and we all casually accept it. Okay oh.

    Balotelli celebrating during euros. Zikoko half-naked

    4) After fainting in public:

    The only first aid Nigerians know how to do for someone who loses consciousness is to remove/loosen your clothes. Next “first aid” is to ask: “did you do aboshan?”

    Fainting man. Zikoko Half-naked

    5) When you need to curse Lagos Government on your trek home:

    After walking a distance that could easily have been covered by bikes, in between pitying yourself, I implore you to loosen three buttons and call the name of the Government and state your grievances. Chances are almost everyone on the road is doing the same. So, no one is batting an eyelid or looking at you weirdly.

    Odunlade Zikoko half-naked

    6) When you are performing for your fans:

    Remove shirt – check

    Jump around the stage – double check

    D'banj and burna boy shirtless, Zikoko, half-naked

    7) Boxing match:

    The best job in the world and this is better than remote work. Working from underpants is a huge mood. Dear employer, when can we start wearing only boxers to work?

    Anthony Joshua boxing Ruiz Zikoko half-naked

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • Weird Food Combinations That Nigerians Actually Love

    Food is life, we agree. But do you know that while you’ve been playing it safe with food, some people are out there engaging in culinary BDSM? We know you don’t, and that’s why we brought you this to help you move your meal time from basic to advanced. Below is a list of weird food combinations Nigerians love to eat.

    1. Beans and eba.

    beans and eba weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    As we heard, this slaps. Harder than you can even imagine. Especially if the beans is ewa agoyin and the eba is cold.

    2. Spaghetti and beans.

    spaghetti and beans weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    Not cooked separately like they do it at a local restaurant. Cooked together, like Jollof spaghetti with beans added. Finger lickin’ good, so we heard.

    3. Bread and peppersoup.

    bread and pepper soup weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    A photo, in case you think we’re pulling your legs.

    4. Yam and peppersoup.

    yam and peppersoup weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    Some tribes eat this don’t they? They’re the woke ones.

    5. Noodles and yam.

    indomie noodles and yam weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    Or even potatoes. Just cut it small small, so you can pick it with a fork. Here’s a small secret: I have eaten it with potatoes before, and it actually banged.

    6. Noodles and bread.

    indomie and bread weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    What does bread not go with in this life sef?

    6. Yam and okro.

    yam and okro weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    Omo, I was shocked too oh. But I assume they meant pounded yam and okro, otherwise…

    7. Rice and garri.

    garri and rice weird food combinations that Nigerians love

    Not even going to lie. I ate this once.

    8. Akara and bole.

    grilled plantain boli

    I wanted to suggest peanut butter and bole, but this one eh, I don’t know.

    9. Spaghetti and bread.

    Image result for dangote spaghetti cooked"

    Yes, please. A hundred times yes. Haven’t you eaten this before?

    10. Bread and custard or bread and pap.

    Image result for custard"

    I know of bread and pap. Bread and custard on the other hand…

    11. Semovita with milk and sugar added.

    Image result for semovita"

    Yes, this bangs too. I must have tasted it once. But I didn’t like it then, sha.

    12. Amala and boiled egg.

    amala and boiled egg weird food combinations that Nigerians love


    I can easily point out a community that serves this at parties, but not today.

    Planning to visit Ibadan soon? Here’s a list of 5 Kinds Of Food You Can Get For N100 Or Less In Ibadan

    Kunle Ologunro

    , ,
  • 11 Things Everyone Who Hates the Sight of a Kitchen Knows to Be True
    A kitchen

    The kitchen is typically the one thing that stands between everyone and hunger, but a lot of people have learned to go for other food options, because they hate to step a foot in the kitchen, unless it’s absolutely necessary. This post is for you if you’re one of these people:

    When you’re house hunting and the agent tries to get you excited about the size of the kitchen

    Look at this one oh. All I’m looking at are the bedroom and bathroom, plis dear.

    You, walking into your kitchen and sighting a mountain of used dishes

    Image result for e go be meme"

    Not me and you. E go be.

    The only thing you find interesting in the kitchen is your microwave

    Microwave saving lives since 1946

    When you buy groceries even though you know you probably won’t cook any time soon

    Image result for black clown"

    I’m a clown. The clown is me.

    You, wondering if you will actually die if you eat raw food

    But really, will I die?

    How your trash looks at the end of every week because you’re always buying takeouts

    Don’t blame me. Food makes me crazy.

    When you skip a meal because you’d rather die than toil in the kitchen

    Something must kill a man.

    When you’re complaining of being broke and someone tells you there is rice at home

    But who asked you?

    You, tracking how much you spend on food

    Do I even have any sense like this?

    You, thinking if you should just move back with your parents

    Image result for Jonathan thinking"

    I only have to pass them the remote from time to time, but I will never be hungry.

    When you manage to enter the kitchen to cook and the gas finishes before you’re done

    That’s it. I’m never doing this again.

    Toheeb Lanlehin

  • 10 Very Specific Emotions Every Lagosian Without A Car Definitely Experienced Today

    If you are a Lagosian, chances are that this morning was hell. Well, unless you own a car or can afford Uber and Bolt. For the rest of us, we experienced one or more of the emotions on the list below.

    Anger:

    The first emotion I felt immediately I woke up this morning was annoyance. What sort of Government decides to leave us stranded overnight?

    Lagosian post incredible hulk

    Powerlessness:

    I was weak when I saw the crowd of people struggling for the limited means of transportation today. Is it a crime to be a Lagosian or even Nigerian?

    tired Lagosian

    Tiredness:

    God, please blow the trumpet.

    Robert Baratheon Lagosian

    Worry:

    What is going to happen to all these people who are out of a job, are they going to turn on us who are still struggling to earn a living?

    A crippling urge to go naked and curse the Government:

    My return trip home after work will determine whether this will still happen or not. Till then, stay tuned.

    Funke Akindele Nigerian actress used in Lagosian post

    Surprise:

    Lyrics to your favorite song slaps differently when it mirrors your current situation. I discovered previously unheard chords on my trekking playlist today. I really am walking away from the troubles in my life.

    Sadness:

    Seeing older, feeble citizens struggling for buses with the younger generation makes you realize that this country doesn’t care for you along the age spectrum. From young to old, we are all equally fucked.

    blackish star used in Lagosian post Zikoko

    Agbero:

    Some ITK’s will say this not an emotion. Describe the urge to fight and push people in your path to get a bus. If you find a better term, I am open to listening. You can reach me in ratatata land for any objections.

    Disgust:

    Wetin be this pls. Why am I experiencing this?

    Motivation:

    This country is trying to kill me and I must start to seek ways of escaping. The plan is to save money from trekking and divert it to writing IELTS. Lagos, Nigeria, e go be.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • 5 Bad Habits Instagram Vendors Need To Stop ASAP

    Instagram vendors are now everywhere, thanks to the internet and to the founder of Instagram. You can be in your house and buy a complete outfit, down to eyelashes that will match the outfit. And we are grateful, honestly. But Instagram vendors need to stop these things, because we are tired.

    1. Asking us to DM for price.

    Abeg talk your price. If it matches our pockets, we will buy. Don’t stress us to be entering your DM. It’s a new decade, dears.

    2. Setting your page to “Private.”

    Little Nigerian girl stressed out by Instagram vendors

    Seriously, sis? Please move away, let us see other better vendors abeg.

    3. Overcharging prospective customers.

    Y’all should learn to fear God, abeg. Do you want us to start begging?

    4. Using unrealistic models.

    Instagram vendors, plis dears. Let us know how we will look beforehand.

    5. Overposting their merchandise.

    Image result for black person pissed off"

    How can you post 42 items on your stories for goodness sake? Don’t you have conscience? How is the buyer supposed to even look at that long list?

    Instagram vendors, you have been caught, just as we caught the people of Instablog’s comment section. Change your ways.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 6 Lies People Tell About Last Borns

    There’s something last borns that gets Nigerians talking. But then again, Nigerians are the king of forming wrong impressions about everything, so but sometimes it can get to you. Especially when everything being said is false. Here is a list of wrong things Nigerians say about every last born. We think it’s time to stop.

    1. “All last borns are weaklings.”

    Nigerian actress Liz Benson disdainful look about last born comment

    Says which medical doctor, please?

    2. “If you’re a last born, then you’re the parent’s favourite.”

    Shalita Grant GIF shocked by last child comment

    Actually, no. Some parents prefer the first or second child. Sometimes, the last child can even be the one that will receive plenty beating, so what are you saying?

    3. “Last borns are the worst cooks. They can’t cook to save their own lives.”

    Grace Mugabe speech giving angry about last born comment

    Oh you think because we’re last borns, they won’t allow uS into the kitchen? Haq, you joke. We cook like every other child. We learned everything.

    4. “Last borns are always rude, they don’t have respect at all.”

    Mo'nique pissed off about wrong comment

    Abeg explain what you mean because we don’t seem to understand.

    5. “Last borns don’t have to worry about clothes; their elder ones will dash them.”

    Ramsey Nouah crossdressing used an illustration for wrong comments about last borns

    But what if we don’t like wearing other people’s clothes? Or what if our elder sibling is a different gender? What if we’re bigger than them? This logic is faulty on many grounds, to be honest.

    6. “Last borns are always stubborn.”

    Grace Mugabe angry face used as an illustration for comments on last borns

    First you say last borns are crybabies. Now you say they are stubborn. You see why we can’t take you serious?

    Here’s another thing we think you’ll love: Annoying Things People Say About Law Students

    Kunle Ologunro

  • 21 Things That Are Just Too Real For Nigerians Who Have Written IELTS

    Preparing for the IELTS exam should count as part of the risk factors for hypertension in Nigeria. People are actively trying to leave the country but the English test seems to be a major obstacle in their path.

    We present some of the super real moments for people who have had to take this exam:

    1) My face the first time I saw the cost of the exam:

    I can’t afford to fail.

    ielts nigeria Zikoko

    2) Me to my bladder on exam day:

    Don’t embarrass us, please. We don’t have enough time.

    begging ielts zikoko

    3) Anytime I miss a word in the listening test:

    Johnny, stop talking so fast. Slow down ffs.

    Mr Krabs Confused Zikoko

    4) After watching twelve E2 videos in one day:

    My data!

    Robert baratheon ielts zikoko

    5) How I felt on the day of the speaking test:

    boy talking into a microphone Zikoko ielts

    6) Looking at the time during the writing task:

    “Why are you running? Why are you running?”

    7) My heart on results day:

    God no go shame us.

    get out Zikoko ielts

    8) Trying to choose between MOD/B.C:

    issa rae ielts Zikoko

    9) When I mispronounce a word during speaking:

    Am I ready for abroad like this?

    10) My expression when I see some essay topics:

    11) Why are writing letters, please?

    Dear IELTS,

    I am writing this letter to tell you not to stress me.

    Yours faithfully,

    12) “Write a letter thanking your friend for the beans they gave you on your last visit”:

    tyler the creator confused ieltszikoko

    13) Arranging the night before the exam:

    Double-check my passport and writing materials for the hundredth time.

    14) The way I prayed against my village people on the exam day:

    praying ielts zikoko

    15) Greeting everyone at the exam venue:

    I don’t know if I will get extra 0.5 for respect, please.

    16) When I hear many people don’t pass well with B.C:

    17) Me to myself when I am on social media instead of studying:

    18) “Do you agree/disagree, to what extent do you agree/disagree, discuss both views”:

    19) When you see your boss at the exam venue:

    You too?

    20) “Discuss both views and give your opinion”:

    I don’t have an opinion, please. Just let me come to your country and live opinion-free.

    21) “You now have one minute to write down your points to be discussed in section two of the speaking test”:

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 15 Things You Absolutely Do Not Need To Remember About Medilag

    So, you finished from Medilag? and life has been good to you, so you now have selective amnesia from your time there? Alright, I am here to remind you about all the many evils God delivered you from.

    Come along as I remind you:

    1) Bed bugs:

    If I don’t start this list with the honourable owners of the school, have I even started? Chief executive terrorists. This menace forced many people to go for overnight. No matter how many times we fumigated, they just never died.

    medilag annoyed man

    2) Collabo rice:

    Let’s just thank God the dog days are over because see ehn.

    brodashaggi looking forlorn medilag

    3) Overnight – sleep:

    How many times did you follow your roommate to class only to end up battling with sleep? show of hands if this sounds like you. Sleep is usually sweetest on the night of the incourse you didn’t read for.

    sleeping black man

    4) Water scarcity:

    God bless Gtbank, Kb tank, and mosque for not putting us to shame that year in medilag.

    kegs lined up

    5) Ceedars:

    If you know this name and you bought something from the kiosk, when will you marry?

    Dangote staring in Zikoko medilag post

    6) Compssabration:

    The absolute greatest thing to ever happen in the history of the school. We need another edition because this adulting is too much.

    compssabration medilag

    7) The generator is bad:

    These words along with no fuel in the generator had enough power to ruin your week – how will we cook beans pls?

    8) Getting your age in your first incourse:

    The single most humbling moment in all of your academic life. Going up to the board and seeing 17,18,19. Over 100. Oluwa, can we have a discussion?

    tired man medilag

    9) Mama Dee’s indomie:

    Pepper roulette. It either had too much pepper or none at all. Nevertheless, it got the job done.

    10) Cold room:

    The most appropriate name is hot room. Riddle me this – where does reading stop and parole start inside cold room?

    11) “Scaries”:

    If you know, you know. Saving lives since 1980.

    12) Hostel movement:

    No human being should ever have to endure this. Somebody save me, I am in the ghetto.

    13) Vuvuzela wars:

    If final year students have not made midnight noise with whistles and vuvuzelas, did they really entire final year? I am sure some of the curses are still following the participants.

    14) Compssa week:

    The one week where enjoyment was a given throughout the whole year.

    dancing kids medilag

    15) Love stroll:

    Luth boys and let’s take a walk.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 13 Things You’ll Get If You’ve Ever Asked A Nigerian For Directions

    If you’ve ever had to ask even a single Nigerian for directions, then you already know just how stressful and confusing that situation can be. They’d rather direct you straight to hell than admit that they don’t know the way.

    1. How Nigerians look at you when you stop to ask for directions:

    Ah. No vex.

    2. When they say “Okayyyyyyy” 10 seconds after you ask.

    Stop lying, abeg. You don’t know.

    3. Google maps vs. Nigerians:

    https://twitter.com/Nurse_Chocs/status/1216962091191603200?s=20

    4. Their hands when giving directions:

    Take it easy.

    5. “Do as if you’re going towards…”

    I should “do as if”?

    6. When the second person you ask says the opposite of what the first person said.

    What is this nonsense?

    7. When you actually get proper directions.

    A major miracle.

    8. You, when a Nigerian admits that they don’t know.

    Wait. People like you exist?

    9. “You’ll just burst out…”

    You already know this one is yarning dust.

    10. When Nigerians say “it’s not that far”:

    You can rest assured that it is indeed “that far”.

    11. When you hear “Ah! You’ve passed it oh.”

    What is this life?

    12. “You’ll go down, down, down, down…”

    “Down” is not a unit of measurement, please.

    13. When the place you were going was right beside them all along.

    What. The. Fuck?

    NerdEfiko

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  • 8 Things You’ll Learn About Management From Nigerian Households

    If you grew up in a Nigerian household, then you’ll understand how to manage everything. For example, you’ll learn how to pour the remaining rice in the remaining pot of stew and warm them together to make Jollof rice. You can relate, abi? Now, here is a list of other management techniques you’ll learn in Nigerian households.

    1. How to manage toothpaste.

    toothpaste in a Nigerian household

    Because toothpaste is never finished until it is completely finished. Especially in a Nigerian household. And this management habit follows you to the university where you do things like this:

    Toothpaste for Nigerian hostels

    Your parents will be so proud of you.

    2. How to convert a butter plastic for your personal use.

    blue band butter in Nigerian households

    You learn how to use it as a lunch plastic if you’re a toddler. Or as a sponge case, if you’re a teenager. Or as a container for carrying stew to school or work.

    3. How to transform a custard container into a potty.

    Lady B custard powder for a Nigerian Household

    Wetin Lady B custard no go see for a Nigerian household? But all na management. After the custard inside has finished, you wash it and start using it as a potty, the one you keep under your bed in the midnight for urine. It can even be used as a storage container for raw rice, beans and garri. It depends on what you need it for.

    4. Supreme ice cream as a bowl for egusi soup.

    Supreme ice cream in a Nigerian household

    Imagine the joy when you open the fridge and see Supreme ice cream. So you rush to get a spoon. But you open the bowl and see egusi soup inside. Lewl.

    5. Shampoo plastic as container to buy kerosene.

    Topklass shampoo for Nigerian households

    This one doesn’t even take time. Once the shampoo finishes, wash the plastic, dry it in the sun. The next time you’re going to the market, carry it along and buy one bottle of kerosene inside.

    6. How to use paint plastic as a bucket.

    Prestige paint containers

    After they paint the house, all that needs to be done is to wash the paint plastic. If it looks like the paint has dried in it, apply kerosene and scrub. Once it dries, you have a bath bucket. All hail Nigerian parents.

    7. How to covert a cookie tin into a sewing kit.

    Danish cookie tin

    As soon as the cookies finish in this tin, all you need to do is wipe it with a cloth. Once it is clean, put your needles, thread, scissors, tape rule, loose buttons, etc, in it. It works.

    8. How to convert empty bottles into ice water containers.

    Empty coca cola bottles

    Just wash the bottle after you have consumed the drink. Once it dries, fill it with clean water and keep it in the fridge. By the time you’re ready to eat lunch or dinner, you’ll have cold water to go with it.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • This Is For Every Nigerian Struggling To Grow A Beard
    Image result for black beardless man chin

    Beards are a big deal, and every boy, right before they hit puberty looks forward to the life-changing moment when they will grow a beard. Unfortunately, not everyone records success in this area. If you’re one of these people, this is for you.

    You, every time you see someone with a fully-formed beard

    I Hate You Jb Smoove GIF

    God, I see what you’re doing for others.

    What you look like when you take pictures with your bearded friends

    Image result for black toddler

    It sucks to be the man-child.

    When a girl you like won’t stop gushing about men with beards

    tired

    This is how you get your heart broken.

    How people tease you because of your boy-face

    people without beard

    God! The disrespect

    You, weed and methylated spirit

    Image result for Jacob zuma fingers together

    Time to put my destiny in my hand and apply it to my chin

    When it’s #NoShaveNovember and you realise your life is about to become more miserable

    Image result for jide kosoko meme

    Time to log off social media

    When you notice the first strand of beards growing

    hip hop lol GIF by iOne Digital

    It’s happening. Hallelujah!

    Three years later and it’s hardly grown to a stubble

    beard

    What is this nonsense?

    When your barber shaves off the small beard you’re managing

    shaved my beard? are you mad

    Are you mad?

    When you finally accept that you’re stuck with your boy-face

    I cannot kill myself because of beard

    You know what? It’s fine. Dangote doesn’t even have facial hair.

    If you enjoyed reading this post, you will like this one: The Zikoko Guide To Becoming A Nigerian Barber

    Toheeb Lanlehin

  • All The Things You’ll Relate To If You’ve Lived In Ilorin

    Ilorin is the capital of Kwara state, and it has its charms. Like the slogan, State of Harmony, there is something about Ilorin that is quite relaxed. We don’t have to say much. If you know Ilorin well enough, then you’ll get everything this post says.

    1. Green and yellow taxis.

    Taxi in Ilorin

    Basic fare is often N50, unless it’s a far distance. And the way the drivers call out “Post-Challenge!” when they are going to Post Office or Challenge.

    2. The Chicken Republic at Tanke Junction.

    Chicken republic in Ilorin

    Especially the refuel combo that goes for N500 or N800.

    3. ShopRite, and every other thing that comes with it.

    Ilorin Shoprite

    A picture of ShopRite during Sallah, Christmas, New Year, or Black Friday.

    4. Beske.

    Beske Ilorin seller

    For those who don’t know, beske is made of soya beans. For Ilorin people, it is a delicacy and they can eat it with anything: rice, garri, soup, etc. They can even eat it as a snack. If you’re not an indigene, it can be a bit awkward to get used to.

    5. Captain Cook Bread.

    Captain Cook bread, Ilorin

    Captain Cook Bread is the real deal. If you know, you know. It goes with fried eggs, beans, tea, butter, even stew. And it can last for 3 days if you keep it well. ShopRite bread is cool too.

    6. Fortunate Bread.

    Fortunate bread, Ilorin

    Fortunate bread can take all our money, please. So soft and sweet and cheap too. And it can last up to 1 week, if you are a real suffer-head or a broke student.

    7. The Roadside Shops In Challenge.

    Challenge, Ilorin

    When you pass and those Igbo boys start calling you to buy jeans, slippers, tshirts, everything you probably don’t need at the time.

    7. Kwara Hotel.

    Kwara Hotel, Ilorin

    This is an entire monument. Anyone who has ever entered it can testify.

    8. Habib Yoghurt.

    Habib Yoghurt, Ilorin

    This yoghurt, doing goodness to taste buds since time immemorial.

    9. Permanent Site.

    University of Ilorin

    This is why taxi drivers always shout “PS!” And we can argue that it is one of the major contributors to Ilorin’s population. You don’t believe us? Wait until students go on a long vac and then visit Ilorin. You’ll understand what we mean.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 12 Things You’ll Relate to if You’ve Been to an Expensive Nigerian Restaurant

    A lot of Nigerian restaurants that consider themselves “fancy” always find a way to overcharge and underdeliver. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling immensely disappointed after a visit to one of these fine establishments, then this post is for you.

    1. How the waiters look at you knowing you’re about to finish your money:

    “This one is not ready”

    2. You, navigating the menu like:

    Is it only water I can afford?

    3. When the waiter “suggests” the most expensive thing on the menu.

    Please, nobody asked you.

    4. When you see the portions.

    Is that all?

    5. You, calculating all the ingredients to see how they got that price:

    This shit don’t add up.

    6. You, wondering why you didn’t just cook at home:

    Is it pasta I cannot make, abi what?

    7. Your mouth realizing the food wasn’t worth the cost.

    I’m really a broke clown.

    8. When you finally see your bill.

    This can’t be right.

    9. When you realize they charged you 7k for ambience.

    Is it AC and chair I’m paying for?

    10. When you see how much tax you have to pay.

    Is the food not expensive enough?

    11. When the manager comes by to ask if you enjoyed your meal.

    Don’t be asking me annoying questions.

    12. You, leaving with your empty account:

    Nobody sent me oh.

    NerdEfiko

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  • 10 Problems Only Tall People Can Relate To

    There literally is no easy way in life. Especially when it comes to body image. Everywhere you turn, people are always offering you unsolicited advice about your size, height, shape, even skin. And it gets really tiring. We came up with a list of the weirdest most annoying, and outrightly funny things that tall people can relate to.

    1. Everyone calls you names like Agali, Tallie, Electric Pole.

    Image result for kevin hart pissed off meme

    And they actually expect you to like it.

    2. You always stick out among your friends.

    Image result for tall nigerian guy and his girlfriend

    Sometimes, this can be a good thing sha.

    3. You are asked to do the weirdest chores.

    Image result for thin tall tony angry

    Replace the light bulb. Remove cobwebs from the ceiling. Please reach out on the tree and give me one mango.

    4. Everyone thinks you should play basketball.

    Image result for tall black basketball players

    They don’t even care if you are interested in the sports or not.

    5. Finding the right shoe size or even proper trouser length can be a stress.

    Because none of these designers ever think that there are tall people who need shoes and trousers.

    6. If you’re a guy, everyone assumes that your ahem, something, is long.

    Can’t I just be tall in peace?

    7. This is also not excluded from the list.

    Image result for tall nigerian guy and his girlfriend

    E be like this sometimes.

    8. You always have to bend before entering any place.

    Can’t you people make your entrances taller or something?

    9. Some beds can disappoint you.

    Image result for tall person bending down to enter a house

    Brrrr

    10. People always want to take a picture with you.

    Image result for tall nigerian guy and his girlfriend

    And it’s not because you’re a celebrity. Nope. They just want to see the height difference.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 7 Things That Should Be Sold In Lagos Traffic

    Lagos traffic provides us with refreshments and everyday items like handkerchiefs, plantain chips, etc. But you don’t appreciate this. Whether you believe it or not, before 2030, Lagos traffic will become a proper avenue where you can get everything you need. We are a part of this great remake of Lagos traffic, and we came up with a list of things that should be sold in Lagos traffic.

    lagos traffic

    1. Wedding gowns.

    Imagine you meet the love of your life on the bus and suddenly your body is doing you to tie the knot? You can simply call a wedding gown hawker in Lagos traffic, tell him/her your size, and they will pass you the dress through the window. C’est finis.

    2. Canadian visa.

    Have you ever been stuck in traffic where you become tired of Nigeria? You have? Good! Now, instead of going to shed tears or pray for visa, you can just call the visa hawker and buy a Canadian visa. When the bus drops you, you’ll simply enter the plane to Canada and live your abroad life.

    3. Life partners.

    Imagine if you could buy the love of your life in traffic? Anytime your parents shout and tell you to not come back into the house without a life partner, you can just vex and tell them, “Let me get to Oshodi, I will buy my life partner with my own money!”

    4. A house.

    Just imagine purchasing your house in traffic. Easier than online shopping o. What you see is what you get. You just call that man hawking a self-contain, and as the bus moves slowly, you discuss price. We’re yet to figure out how the logistics of this will work, but don’t worry, our developers are working on a tight idea.

    5. University certificates.

    You’re a busy person who needs a degree or do you just hate going to school? Imagine if you could buy your certificate while you’re in a bus heading to Maryland or Iju Ishaga? You’ll just beckon on the hawker and ask, “You dey sell certificate for Agriculture?” and the hawker will answer, “Yes, I get. I even get certificate for Law if you wan buy. Shey na first class you want abi second class upper?”

    6. Spare parents.

    What if you could buy a new set of parents if your old ones are stressing you out? Just imagine it. You’ll have the power, and if your mother or father talks bad to you, you can always tell them, “If you’re not careful, I will buy another father when I go out today.” They will keep shut immediately.

    7. Common sense.

    The best part of this is that you can actually buy as a gift for someone who needs it. So when the person starts talking sense, you can proudly say, “This common sense I bought for you is working, can you see?”

    Sanwo-Olu in Lagos Traffic

    Don’t doubt us, dears. Even Sanwo-Olu is amazed at our brilliant ideas. He will soon point at us, you’ll see.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 10 Types Of Nigerian Workers During Salary Week

    If you are employed in Nigeria and your employer is reasonable, chances are this is salary week. This week always reveals the different types of workers in any organization. From the employees who beg and cry, to the silently distressed, to the calm ones. Before we start on the different types of workers, let’s take a quote from our sponsors:

    “Long work hours may break my bone but salary week excites me.” – Anonymous, 2020.

    1) Can you borrow me money:

    They always need to borrow N2,800 until Friday when they get paid. This never changes month in and out. If there is one thing they are consistent with, it’s not learning how to properly manage their money.

    borrow workers

    2) The calm/indifferent employees:

    Chances are high that they are number one on this list. They are wildly responsible with their finances and life in general. Never to be caught un-rich. They probably have 5 years of salary saved up so they are never worried about getting paid or not.

    indifferent workers

    3) Grace to grass employees:

    Their major tell-tale sign is they stop ordering expensive food. These sets of people start to eat only one gala and small coke for lunch which is a step down from their usual expensive meals and lavish living. This is a perfect example of what their struggle looks like.

    grass to grace workers

    4) Already broke crew:

    Their motto before payday is “I am already broke”, their running expense is two times their income. These workers never seem to have money at any point in time. Like never!

    broke workers

    5) Constantly checking for alert gang:

    On the agreed salary day, you can catch them constantly checking their phone every 5 minutes. At every interval, they are logging in to their bank app, calling their banks customer care or running to the atm to check their balance. Our theory is they used their last cash to come to work that day and if no show, they have to trek home.

    checking phone workers

    6) Rumor has it:

    “I heard Gtbank has network issues so we can’t get paid today.” “They want to pay us minimum wage so there will be a delay.” Any kind of speculation surrounding payment, they are behind it. They are prophets of salary doom.

    rumor has it workers

    7) You must save ministry:

    They always remind everyone about the office contributory scheme or ajo. They send not so subtle reminders like ” Hello everyone. This is salary week. Make sure you pay your own contribution. 🙂” The passive-aggressive smiley is a subtle way of telling you that they will and can cut you if you don’t pay up. You definitely don’t want to mess with them.

    ministry workers

    8) Marketers:

    Always encouraging you to buy multiple items on credit because they will soon pay you. They literally force some of their goods into your face and if that doesn’t work, they employ guilt to serve their agenda. They are the enemies of progress where progress = savings goal.

    marketers workers

    9) Business people:

    They always have a business that can give you three times your income around when you get paid. From MMM to GNLD to bringing three people, that’s their specialty. They are actually agents of the devil sent to suck your hard-earned naira.

    business workers

    10) Complainers:

    They complain about why the salary isn’t paid per week instead. How the work doesn’t even tally with the salary. They also complain about how they can’t come to work tomorrow if they don’t get alert today.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • If You’re The Funny Friend, Then You’ll Relate To This

    There’s always that one funny friend in the group. There is never a dull moment whenever they are around because they always seem to know the right thing to say and can lighten up every dark moment. If you’re the funny friend, you’ll understand the good side (and the bad side) of being the funny friend.

    The Good Side

    1. Everyone loves your company.

    Funny friend

    Your friends look at you as the life of the party. They always want you with them, because with you there is no dull moment whatsoever. Just fun and even more fun.

    2. They always want to hear what you have to say.

    Funny Friend

    Because they know it will be funny, as usual. And so they are ready to hear you, the same way they are ready to laugh the moment you utter two words.

    3. You can insult everyone and get away with it.

    Funny friend

    Because it’s you, you’re allowed to be irreverent. So you can call them mad, or stupid, or insane, and they will just laugh it off.

    The Bad Side

    4. Nobody takes you seriously.

    Funny friend

    And this can hurt a lot, especially when you’re really serious about what you want to say.

    5. You always have an obligation to say something funny.

    Funny friend

    The show must go on. Even when you’re sad.

    3. They find it hard to believe you’re unhappy.

    Funny friend

    So you cry in your room and come out to make them laugh away their own sorrow.

    Always check on your funny friends, please.

    Kunle Ologunro

  • All The Things That Can Happen When Your Family Follows You On Social Media

    The worst thing that can happen to anyone is having their family follow them on social media. It’s like being caged. We came up with a list of things that can happen if your uncles, aunts, grandparents, parents, second cousins twice removed, etc. follow you on social media. Which one can you relate to the most?

    1. How you think twice before posting.

    jordan peele thinking GIF by The Paley Center for Media

    Before they come at you with full force.

    2. You, when your family members post unrelated comments on your post.

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is best-girl-1.jpg

    What is this, o God?

    3. Your extended family members looking at your profile for any signs of suspicious activity.

    peeping tom karlheinz bhm GIF

    Suspicious activity e.g., relationship status, pictures showing too much skin, etc

    4. Your family members when you finally enter their trap.

    Come and see o!

    5. How they organise a family meeting because of you.

    Use your mouth to tell this gathering that you changed your Facebook username to Sugar Baby. Are you now a runs girl?

    Kunle Ologunro

  • How To Talk About Sex Like A Nigerian Parent

    Let’s play a game. We want you to imagine yourself as a Nigerian parent for two minutes. Now imagine that your son or daughter comes to you for advice on sex. As a Nigerian parent, how would you react? What would you say? We came up with some tips to help you out in this game.

    1. Shout at the child.

    Image result for sola sobowale memes

    You want to know about what, sex? Ah, it is finished. It is finished ooo. My child wants to know about sex. Neighbours, help me!

    2. After shouting, start threatening the child.

    Image result for nigerian parents

    Say things like, “If you engage in sex, you will go to hell fire. Don’t you know that sex causes your soul to be tied to another person? Don’t you know that they can collect your destiny through sex? What if you carry HIV? Sex will kill you. That’s all you need to know.”

    3. After that, begin to monitor the child.

    Image result for patience ozokwor memes

    Spy on them. Peep into their phones. Look at their reaction when someone of the opposite sex is passing. Scrutinise their faces when a sex scene or a kissing scene comes up on TV. If they do so much as shake, then you’ll get your proof that your beloved child is already eating the forbidden fruit.

    4. Now you can go into full fire and brimstone mode. It’s okay, even Patience Ozokwor will understand.

    Image result for patience ozokwor memes

    Clap your hands. Shout. Remove your head gear and fling it away. Grab the child’s cloth. Say, “You’re already having sex! Eh, my child has become of the world. You must kill me today.”

    5. The neighbours will come in to separate you, of course.

    Allow them to separate you, please. You don’t want your child to pounce on you in anger, do you? A child that is already having sex, who knows what other evils that kind of child is capable of?

    5. Bide your time. One day one day, you will be justified.

    One day will be one day, your son will confess that he has impregnated the neighbour’s daughter. Or your daughter will start sleeping in the afternoons. And then you’ll know you have caught them red-handed. Oh that’s going to be too shameful? Well then this is what you should do: the next time your child comes to you for any sex-related advice, be calm enough to hear them out and tell them what they need to know.

    You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble that way.

    Kunle Ologunro

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