A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

8:48 a.m.

People are looking at me weird because I’m washing my hair. It’s just shampoo, leave-in conditioner, and moisturizer. My hair has horribly dried out and tangled in these couple of weeks and I’m beginning to feel like a mad person. I’m going out into the real world tomorrow, please. Let them not chase me from home. 

10:00 a.m.

I’m in church. I came here to focus on God but because I’m in OBS, now I’m dealing with technical and sound issues. Wherever I walk, work meets me. Money, see your mate?

11:30 a.m. 

I’m going back to my hostel when I pass by a hostel. I laugh. This hostel must be full of Yoruba angels. I decide to walk a bit more so I can find more hostels that are perfectly fitting for Yoruba men

Because Yoruba men are committed till the end. Every allegation you hear is a lie.

Yoruba men are honest and full of integrity. They will never break your heart. Any objections?

12:00 p.m.

These people like lying. They said every Sunday is for rest until 4 p.m. but they’re chasing us out of the hostels because the Director General of NYSC is coming to speak to us. 

Every speech I’ve heard in this place sounds like the same thing. It’s like “Yes you can copy my assignment but don’t let it be the exact same thing.” Sometimes, I predict what they’re going to say next. This man seems nice though. 

6:26 p.m. 

We’ve just finished final parades along with some long addresses. I think we did great. I remember that we’re going to have to wear those orange combat boots tomorrow and my heart starts beating fast. Oh well, tomorrow will take care of itself. Let me rush to OBS. 

7:03 p.m. 

So this is why they were telling us to rush down to OBS. We call the coordinator of OBS “Mummy” because she is such a great woman. She’s the perfect boss/mother combo. I will miss her. She bought chicken suya, beef suya and drinks for us and then we went round speaking about how nice it has been working at OBS. Someone is crying. This is giving me university ending vibes. Ugh. 

7:48 p.m.

I see the guy that got punished in my stead yesterday. I laugh as I pass him by. Maybe this is what movie villains feel like and that’s why they never stop being villains. 

Before they cancelled evening parades yesterday the military instructor asked if we enjoyed the carnival and what we wanted to make it better. From the crowd, I shouted “Alcohol!” and he looked in our direction, fished him out and punished him for wanting alcohol. 

Good times. 

10:00 p.m.

I’m finally packing my box. People are asking me why. They should not even vex me this night. Did you people not get the memo that we’re leaving tomorrow????

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 16: Are Lagos Boys Fraudsters?

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

6:30 a.m.

I don’t like all this nonsense. They said we should sleep all we want today but they are already blowing bugle. Does 6:30 sound like “Sleeping all you want”?

Anyways, I’m not even in my hostel. I’m preparing with the rest of my platoon for the carnival. If you see what other platoons are doing in their canopies, and then look at our canopy, you will just be pitying us. 

But never despise the days of little beginnings. 

9:53 a.m. 

Okay maybe our little beginning was just signs that we were not up for all this because all these things I’m seeing from other platoons as we proceed for the procession are bursting my head. These people obviously did not hear about all these things last night like we did. They are preparedddd!! I love to see it. 

12:47 p.m.

The “carnival” ends. It wasn’t fun. Maybe because my platoon didn’t win anything. But oh well, they said there’s bonfire at night. Maybe that one will be interesting. 

I see the camp commandant taking pictures with the shortest guy on camp. I join in the photos. Please, I’m short too. 

1:35 p.m.

My phone screen stops working. It just stops. It’s been acting up all day but now it’s just stopped. I know Dipo’s number so I call him with someone’s phone. I explain what’s happening and he says the screen is spoiled and I’d have to replace it. God, please. 

I take it to Nas. He says I don’t have to change it. Or at least he hopes so. He will help me bring it out and clean the panels. I really like Nas. 

4:39 p.m.

We’re cooking for the platoon. We’re all under a canopy talking and making noise. It’s fun, one of those things you miss when you leave. 

I see a chicken. No, not the one that chased me. There’s a face mask around it and it’s struggling. I want to take a picture, but my phone is still with Nas. But I pity it. It’s suffering. 

I keep talking about it and people keep telling me to forget about it, it’ll be fine. 

The quiet girl beside me says “Do you want us to go and help?” 

“Yes”

We spend the next 20 minutes chasing a chicken who thinks we’re here to kill it. Chickens are foolish. We finally catch it and help it get free. 

I wish someone recorded us. Somebody can use such a video to run for political post. 

“He cares about even the birds of the field. He will definitely care for your children. Nigeria, vote David Odunlami for president, 2031.”

6:00 p.m.

Nas gives be my phone back. It’s working fine now. I thank him. He’s such a nice guy. I give it back to him to charge. I have to get a celebratory haircut. 

6:48 p.m.

Please, dear barber, stop showing me pictures of haircuts on your phone. Cut the one on my head. He’s been on a non-stop talking frenzy trying to impress me since I told him I lived in Lagos. I can’t blame him. Maybe I pronounced “Lagos” like somebody that has money and he’s trying to secure a customer. 

I don’t really like him though. He said because I’m from Lagos I probably do fraud because Lagos boys are fraudsters. Then he started glorifying fraud just to make me feel good. 

When he tried to confirm if he was right, and I told him he was wrong, he asked,

“Is it your choice, or is it because your dad is a pastor?”

“It’s because I’m a pastor”

He was quiet for the rest of the haircut. 

He gives good haircuts though. 

8:53 p.m. 

The definition of bonfire has changed. It now means “People dancing in circles platoon by platoon with Man O’War music playing in the background without any fire involved”.

Oxford, please do well to update your dictionary.

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 15: “My Biggest Problem Is That I Can’t Talk to Women”

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

9:13 a.m. 

I thought they said there was no SAED today. Now it’s SAED competition. These people will do anything to keep us in one place for a long time. 

I’m running in the opposite direction of where people are going when two soldiers stop me. One of them is the soldier who told me to play R. Kelly for him. Yesterday, with his phone in his hand, he helped me catch a ball that was going to hit some random stranger and then lied that it was the impact of the ball that cracked his phone screen and everyone playing had to pay for it. Me I knew he was joking, but the other guys were scared. 

After some time and some laughter, he let us go on the condition that I play the same song for him on OBS. No wahala. I like him. He lets me go. I think we’re friends now. 

I tell him that I played his song yesterday, but he says he didn’t hear it. Okay. I will play it again today. 

As I leave, the other soldier shouts at me to come back. 

“So you’re doing music requests, but you didn’t give me a shout-out yesterday that was my birthday.”

“Ah… I didn’t know that.”

“Good, now you know. Play me “Toe Toe” by Tekno.”

“I shall. And I shall give you a shout-out too.” 

“Okay, you can go.”

10:36 a.m. 

I plug in my earphones to listen to the song he wants me to play on air. 

AH!

This man should go and tell whoever sent him that he didn’t meet me at home o. Because if I play this song on air, Buhari himself will come and shut down OBS. 

Please, I’m not doing. You will manage Sunny Neji’s “Happy Birthday” sir. Thanks. 

3:04 p.m. 

The loud talking in my room wakes me up and the first thing that comes to my mind is OBS. I’ve probably missed a lot of shows. I came and slept immediately after SAED, and my phone was dead so nobody could reach me. 

As I’m dressing, I listen to some of the things being said. Some guy is talking about how now that we’ve collected our alawee, girls will be telling guys to take them to Mami. It has already happened to him. 

Some other guy talks about how he can’t talk to women and that’s his biggest problem in life. He’s asking for advice. Some of the stuff he’s saying catches my attention, so I ask him if he would like to talk about it later. He says yes. 

7:00 p.m.

We’re done marching, it was great. Everyone loved it. I stayed a bit at OBS. Everyone judged me with their eyes. Jay judged me with his words. I like Jay. Me and the guy are about to have the talk. I ask him if I can write some of the stuff he says and use it for my article. 

“Why not?”

“Awesome.”

We go ahead and have an interesting conversation.

“The last time I spoke with a woman freely, I was in primary 5. She was my classmate. I used to be one of those rough kids in primary school that got all the attention, and I noticed that this girl liked me. We started talking, sharing pens and stuff like that. I have strong memories of this because it’s the only period in my life where I was genuinely happy. My brother was friends with her older brother, so I used to go to her house as well. She was basically my girlfriend. 

She had a friend that hung out with us, so I told my friend to come and join our squad so that he’d “date” her and we’d be couple friends. 

Worst idea ever. 

He was much more interesting than I was, so whenever we were at their house, he would get all the attention. I became old news. It felt like I was now living in his shadow. I eventually stopped going and started writing letters to her. 

I changed schools in secondary school. My new school was a better school in a better environment than my old school. I like to think that maybe if I went to a school where I could easily blend in with my classmates, I would have had the chance to start talking to girls again, but the only people in my class were rich kids. I didn’t feel like I belonged or that I was good enough for their attention, so I withdrew further into a shell. 

I started doing research. I can’t remember the name of the books I read about talking to women when I was in SS2. It might sound weird that at 24, I’m saying that since primary school, I haven’t had a proper conversation with a woman, but it’s true. I’d only talk to women maybe when we were in a group assignment and a direct question was thrown at me and I had to say something.  

In uni, I was a teacher in the mosque. The head teacher. My assistant was a woman. I had to hire a personal assistant just to deliver messages to her. 

Here’s the twist: when it comes to texting, I have no problem. That’s why I could write letters as a kid. In the days of 2go, I was a legend. I’d text anyone textable. But calls or a face to face conversation? Never. Even now, on WhatsApp, I can text, but I cannot meet in real life. 

The text conversations never go beyond constant exchange of pleasantries and getting to know one another on the surface level. 

If you want to see me have a panic attack or just start running, tell a woman to approach me. I will bolt. I now have the ability to know when someone I’m walking with is about to stop and greet a woman that they know. I will stop 20 metres before we get there, make a u-turn and pass another place. My friends have tried several times to set up random meetings with women for me. I don’t think they do it out of love. They just want to laugh. 

I talk to my sisters, but I’m not even comfortable doing that. I remember one time when I was waiting outside my sister’s hostel in uni. I heard my name and turned. It was a girl. A childhood friend. I just turned and walked away. She eventually found my number and texted me. We were talking and it was great. That was the first time I was having proper conversations with a woman.

Things changed when she asked that we meet in person. I wasn’t about to do that, so I told her to block me because I couldn’t proceed with that. I think she understood. We still text now. 

When I ask people for advice, they say things like, “Just do it!” and “Women don’t bite”, but they don’t realise that at this point it’s running away when I see a woman is reflex. 

It’s painful for me because I’m super attracted to women. I see them and I want to talk to them and make physical contact with them. I want to be a normal guy. So it’s not like I’m not trying. 

In my spare time, I fantasize about women and write love poems. . 

I hear classes that could help me win these battles exist. If the books I’ve read won’t work, maybe a class will. But then again, I hear that all these classes only give you ginger and confidence, nothing else. 

Maybe what I actually need is therapy.”

10:55 p.m. 

My hands hurt from beating chairs as makeshift drums in practice for the inter-platoon competition at the carnival tomorrow. 

As I drift off to sleep, I can’t help but think about how this guy must feel not being able to talk to women. It makes me sad. 

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 14: The DG Gave Us A Big, Fat Cow!

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

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Earlier this week, I sent out a tweet asking for corp members from other states who read NYSC Diary and would like to contribute their stories to send me a DM and they’d get to write the diary for one day. 

Odufa Agba is a corp member in Dakin Gari, Kebbi state. 

Here’s her Day 14:

4:20 am

It’s not easy going to bed by 11pm and waking up by 3:40am but that’s why I have a personal alarm clock, Tope. People are still trooping to the bathroom but guess what? I’m about to sleep again. Wahala for who no get personal alarm. 

8:35 am

Nobody hummed when they played that Nigeria wake up song today, I almost burst out laughing but I didn’t want to sit on the floor. 

Who serves someone beans and pap when they’re supposed to go for a lecture? 

Wicked people no longer use bombs and guns, they now roam about in the kitchen! 

12:00 pm

One PRO North West something something lady came today. Omo you had to see protocols. Honestly, I didn’t see the need for her visit. Like you just came to gist us what we already know, it’s not fair now. The dance groups actually did well but one aunty with big head sat in front of me so I couldn’t enjoy it as much as I was meant to.

 And the girl that gave the vote of thanks was obviously her daughter because I don’t understand how she know she’s a loving mother. 

PS: We didn’t do SAED today. 

7:05 pm

I’ve not had a lot of time to myself between us preparing for the DG’s visit and me frolicking with boyfriends upandan. The DG is finally here and he’s giving a speech. I don’t know why, but I’m scared that one of the soldiers/bouncers will start shooting and the bullet will hit me because I’m at the front. 

The man sha gave us cow, One Fat Cow! Wahala for who no come life come chop meat. He also gave leader people money. Thank God I made friends with Abiodun, the dance troop leader, and Opeyemi, the parade commander.

We’re going to have to split the money somehow somehow. All my moral support and Strepsils can’t go to waste.

8:55 pm

My friend is participating in Big, Bold and Handsome that means I get to be a personal hanger, manager and PA. I’m walking around with his native wear and trying to cheer him up. Baba was initially scared but he answered his question correctly and the oil on my head is overflowing. I’m a good charm oh, ma fo . 

The Big Bold and Beautiful contestants pulled up and you had to hear the way people were shouting. 

Small asses matter too, you know. 😪

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In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 13: “I’m Kambari. My People Don’t Wear Clothes” 

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A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

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6:06 a.m. 

The camp director is angry. People have offended and broken the rules. She’s listing out the offenses and calling out the culprits. One guy had five bottles of Erujeje. He’d been caught before with a few bottles and now he’s getting caught with more. He will be expelled. Poor guy. Getting expelled because of Erujeje. It’s funny to me. 

Another girl was sitting on the slab of  hand wash basin. 

Two people were romancing and caressing each other in public. She goes on a bender with this one about how we cannot control our urges for such a short period of time. 

‘Urges’ is such a weird word. 

They will face the camp court and whatever happens will happen. 

I’m praying for them. 

9:55 a.m. 

Today, we’re learning Igbo. They couldn’t get an Igbo coordinator, so a corp member taught us igbo. I don’t think he did a great job because right now the only Igbo phrase I know is ‘otutuoma’, and I already knew it before the lecture. 

1/10. Would not recommend. 

10:41 a.m. 

The woman speaking tells us that lectures officially end tomorrow and this is the loudest cheer I’ve ever heard in this camp. I understand it. This thing is punishment. 

She then tells us that CBN, Bank of Industry and some other people would come tomorrow to tell us how to access money from our SAED skills and all of that. 

So basically, another set of lectures tomorrow. 

Women and their lies. 

2:16 p.m. 

I’ve just finished another show at OBS. I could get used to this. In the past few days, I’ve been doing the my job as a broadcaster so efficiently. Lowkey, I’m enjoying it. 

I’m go to the bole woman’s place and she’s not around. Her neighbor who sells Chicken and Chips is around. She sells for her. But as she’s approaching, she limps. I ask her what is wrong with her. 

“My brother, these people want to kill us.”

“Ma?”

“The workload is too much”

Silence. 

I try to tell her sorry. Camp will soon end. She can rest. 

“They need to let us have some assistance. But because of COVID, they won’t let us bring any apprentices in. Even my children are grown, they can assist me in this place. I’m an old woman. I have to do everything by myself; Cook, clean, wash up after, take orders from all of you, wake up early, go to the gate to pick up the items I’m trying to restock on. It’s hard. It doesn’t help that I’m the only one that sells what I sell here. Chicken and Chips, and Fish and Chips. 

I haven’t left here since I got here. They don’t let us go out because of COVID. I’m very surprised that I’m still alive and kicking. With the stress I’m going through, I expected my body to have given up by now. But I’m still here. 

If they don’t let us have assistance next time camp resumes which is next week, I’m not coming. I’ll leave here and rest. I cannot kill myself because of money.”

3:45 p.m. 

This is the time I’ve been waiting for. This is the reason I came to camp. It’s time for my platoon’s Man O’War drills. I’m the first to get there because I want to climb rope and show myself.

It goes really well. I do alllll the drills. I will not put the videos in the diary. I will just put a picture. Maybe I’ll add a picture. 

4:35 p.m. 

The female corp members are finally out of the top secret meeting with the camp coordinator and we’re ready to march. I ask a few of them what they discussed and oh my God, the replies I got; 

“What’s your business?”

“If you want to know, be a woman in your next life.”

Why so angry?

I ask one more person and apparently it was a “These men are useless and they will not marry you, so guard your hearts. They don’t have money and they don’t have sense, jazz up” type conversation.  

Now I know why I got those responses. Ugh. 

Don’t worry, you’ll all be fine. 

5:45 p.m. 

I overhear some guy talking about his experience in the camp court. I look and it’s someone I know. I couldn’t see earlier because it was dark. He’s the nicest guy on camp, no lies. 

“So why were you caressing and romancing a woman in public, my guy?” I ask him. 

“I swear, I just hugged her. It was the simplest of hugs. It wasn’t even a long hug. It was just a simple, short hug. That’s how I got into trouble.”

Eeish. 

Idea for toasting a babe: “You’re so hot, I can risk facing the camp court just to get a hug from you.”

*blushes*

6:45 p.m. 

I’m joining my roommate to argue and make noise today. Today’s topic is “Is Buhari even really alive?” I get irritated and leave the argument quickly. I don’t like arguing with people that bring emotions into argument, no matter what they believe. It makes the entire thing sound corny and stupid. 

8:28 p.m. 

I’m eating before they start the socials show for tonight. I see a girl beside me and so I ask her for her name. Mariam. She sounds Hausa, so I ask, “Are you Hausa?” 

“No”, she says. “I’m Kambari”

“Where’s that?”

“I’m from Niger. My people originated from Borno but we’ve settled in various places in Nigeria like Kebbi, Nassarawa and Niger. Our language is not Hausa, but whenever people see me, they just assume I’m Hausa. Like you did. I don’t get offended by it though, I’m just quick to tell them about my people and where I’m from. 

Here’s a fun fact: A huge number of Kambari people in the most remote places in Nigeria still don’t wear clothes. Many times, they’re naked. Other times, they wear animal skin. 

You should read about us.”

10:32 p.m. 

The “Big, Bold and Beautiful”, and “Slim, Tall and Handsome” contest was great. One platoon won the two categories. It was not my platoon. That’s bad. 

Tomorrow is the Mr. Macho contest. I just might take matters into my own hands and go for this thing. 

After today’s Man O’War drills, I should be able to win Mr. Macho, don’t you think?

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In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 12: Please I Want To Go Home

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A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

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2:49 a.m. 

I wake up and I know instantly. I’m sick. Okay, maybe “sick” is a tad dramatic. I have phlegm and it won’t stop until I use some medication. It happens to me every year during harmattan and it’s usually very frustrating. Ugh, now I will be spitting all day. Iyama. 

6:36 a.m. 

All I’m feeling is regret. Who told me to be good at this marching thing? They’ve flung out about 70% of the entire camp from marching, but I remain. Me and a few others. We’re the chosen ones for the Passing Out Parade and apparently it’s a really big event so the soldiers are making sure we do everything perfectly. There’s so, so many instructions and formations. All my body is paining me. The people that are not marching are laughing at us. I want to laugh at people too, please. 

10:55 a.m. 

This is my turn to laugh at people. We’re doing Yoruba lectures at SAED and oh my God these non-Yoruba people don’t know Yoruba. How can you be pronouncing Yoruba words like that? 

The woman teaching calls out my roommate who is Hausa to recount one to ten in Yoruba and he totally destroys it. Very good. Now I have stuff to laugh about when we get to the room. 

1:32 p.m. 

We’re doing SAED training. I’m learning so much about catfish farming. I tried to do it earlier this year but it didn’t work. The man teaching us does a good job making us interested in farming.

Someone talks about how the dignitary came yesterday didn’t give us money. 

“Wait, he shared money?”

Yes. He shared money. He was doling out bundles of cash to other groups but he came to advise us. He gave one group N100k and they shared it N2k each. But he gave us advice. 

What a way to encourage young farmers. I’m upset. 

2:44 p.m. 

I have taken a few pictures of people’s rubber shoes. Can you guess which shoes they’re impersonating? 

4:30 p.m. 

I’m proper tired now. My head is jammed with tiredness. My body hurts as hell but we have to keep marching. I’m tired. I want to scream. As we march, they tell us to be close to one another. There’s a lot of pushing. I’m marching in between two big bodied people. Every time I make contact with them, I almost fall because the impact is bad. I will keep marching, but when I leave this camp, I must eat well. 

7:19 p.m. 

I am in the clinic. I need meds for my phlegm. I cannot come and kill myself. The doctors are nice. We’re gisting. No wonder people are always in the clinic. It seems like a nice place to be. 

8:15 p.m.

I call my dad and tell him I’m tired. He says I should stop saying that. 

“If you were at war, would you be tired?”

Daddy please, we’re not at war. I’m tired. I want to go home. 

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In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 11: 6 Things That Will Wreck You In Mami Market

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A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

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9:42 a.m. 

This is the first time today I don’t feel like a robot. They’re teaching us Hausa at SAED. I’m really interested in learning Hausa. I bring out my phone and continue taking notes. I speak something I think I’ve learned to a Hausa speaking person sitting beside me and he just fully bursts into laughter. 

I’ve marked his face. 

One day, when I’ve perfected my Hausa, I will find him and speak it to him so much that he will genuinely apologise for laughing at me ten years ago. 

2:42 p.m. 

As usual, I am woken up because my roommates are making noise. I join them in their conversation. We’re talking about traffic when one of them starts complaining that sometimes Abuja traffic is bad. That he remembers one time when he spent one hour and thirty minutes in traffic and he wanted to lose his mind. 

Ha ha ha. One hour thirty minutes in Lagos is the time you use to drive out of your street sir. Please let it go. 

4:00 p.m.

I HAVE COLLECTED MY N3200. Mami Market, meet David Odunlami. I already have a list of some of the stuff I want to buy but let me not lie, it’s actually just N3200. Because of my experience in Mami Market, I already know some of the things I cannot buy because the money will finish before I can mention 

1. Noodles: A plate of three strands of noodles and small fried egg is N500. Noodles that I can go and loot from palliative warehouse? No, thanks. 

2. Soda: Every bottle of soda here is sold at twice the price. I have kuku now taken a liking to kunu. Healthy living as I save my money.

3. Fruits: The guy selling fruits here doesn’t know that we have only seven days left and that on the seventh day, we will leave and he will remain here with his fruits. The wicked cannot rule forever. 

4. Fried eggs: How can two fried eggs be N300. POLICE!

5. Face masks: You know that surgical face mask? Here it’s N200. Why?

6. Slim fitting: Slim fitting that is N200 outside camp? Please hold your N1500 as you’re going to slim fit your clothes, thanks.

Maybe I will just buy chicken suya and eat it with french fries. 

7. Water

8:23 p.m.

I was on my own, arranging gadgets for the talent show when these people came to tell me I was the DJ for the night. Now I’m sitting on the stage, getting overwhelmed my people’s requests. I’m definitely playing more recent music than any other DJ has. People have been complaining. Today, they’re not. They’re vibing. They’re telling me I’m

doing a great job. They think it’s me. They don’t know that I’m just using a playlist I found on Deezer. 

Haq Haq Haq. 

10:24 p.m.

I just finished eating dinner. N500 suya and garri. Maybe tomorrow is the day I will shut down Mami. Today, I sleep.

---

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary Day 10 – A Mother Hen Showed Me Pepper

---

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

6:00 a.m. 

My alarm wakes me up and I get up and out of my bed. I need to be at OBS by 6:30 a.m. Who sent me work. I joined OBS to avoid marching and working, yet all I do in this place is march and work. I see my roommates and they’re all deep in sleep. It’s as if I should bring out a speaker and start playing heavy metal rock. When I’m sleeping, they will be arguing about meat. Now they are sleeping. There should be no peace for the wicked. I dress as noisily as I can. Somebody must wake up. Nobody does. 

6:32 a.m. 

Now I’m changing out of my mufti to wear my prisoner white on white. Today is Sunday, I’m meant to be able to wear normal clothes until 2:00pm, but I’ve just received a call to remind me that my platoon is on camp duty. It means that today, I’d have to either do camp sanitation, help in the kitchen, or do security duties. No more OBS. 

As I step out, I hear a sound beside me. I look down and I see that same chicken that attacked that woman last night charging towards me. Omo. I just begin to run like it’s two mad people and three lions holding guns that are chasing me. My phone falls out of my pocket and onto the ground. I look back. The chicken is still chasing me. How can you leave your children behind and be chasing me. Are you mad? At this point, I’ve run almost 30 meters (I measured it afterwards) and she’s still chasing me, looking angry as hell. I swear I didn’t do anything. I come to a sudden halt. My pouch is open and I spot my lip balm so I bring it out and try to stone her. She stops, looks at me for a few seconds and goes back to meet her chicks. I follow at a safe distance to pick my phone. The screen is a bit cracked. I look around. Nobody witnessed the events that took place. 

In fact, what events? What chicken? 

We move. 

7:00 a.m. 

They’ve just told us to choose where we want to work. I chose security. I chose security because nobody else was choosing it and I wanted to end the awkwardness, besides who will protect the people? 

Now they’ve given us red armbands and the DSP is telling us about our roles and duties and he’s basically saying that now that we’ve chosen security, we are part of security forever so even if we see anything wrong on other days, we should call him and snitch. 

Me I should snitch. Emi Don Corleone. 

Never. 

10:00

I’m considering calling my sister and asking if I was adopted. See how people are bringing food for their siblings and children as if food is finishing in the world and they have to quickly eat. The things I’ve seen at this security post. One girl even stopped to give us drinks and puff puff and buns while complaining that the food they brought for her was too much. Another girl gave us some expensive rich people’s chocolates. 

Security work isn’t so hard especially in a place with military strong protection from the outside. All we’re doing is checking people’s temperatures and making sure people wear face masks. When you throw in the occasional free food and the joys of bossing people around and creating a barricade between them and their loved ones (They’re not allowed near the gate. We search and then deliver whatever anyone brings for them), it’s actually a great job. 

2:00pm

I’m going to grab a drink. The weather is hot. I see my assailant casually hanging around. She’s eating with her kids. Nobody is walking with me so I decide to take a longer route. I’m not getting younger. There’s no point taking chances with my heart.

3:17 p.m. 

It’s getting boring now. I move closer to the policeman and we start gisting. Obviously I move the conversation towards #EndSARS to know what he thinks. It’s either he’s a really great guy, or he’s afraid of me, because he’s giving me FK Abudu vibes. He’s spitting facts and he’s super happy that the protests happened. He says he hopes it keeps progressing from #EndSARS to #EndBadGovernance. 

I like him. 

7:30 p.m.

Today is the first time that there’s no social activity. I go to see my OBS Platoon 6 Hausa Teacher friend. She’s been admitted to the clinic. She was sick but she’s better now. She’s playing the guitar and singing and everyone is loving it so I tell her to teach me a few tricks. She does and I get it quickly. People are impressed. 

I’m leaving NYSC camp as a certified musician and security personnel. My price has gone up. 

9:30 p.m.

I’m fetching water outside when I look up on the roof of the building beside me. I see a few chickens. ON THE ROOF OF A HOUSE. HOW DID THEY GET THERE?

This is all the proof I need that the chickens here are all cultists. 

So yes, in the morning, I wasn’t running from a chicken. I was running from the powers of darkness. It all makes sense now. 

[donation]

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

---

5:45 a.m. 

I’ve just finished leading the entire camp in prayers. Pastor David. As I’m walking back to my platoon, the woman who addresses us every morning calls me back.  I go to meet her. 

“Nice prayers,” she says. “God will give you more strength.” I’m smiling. I say amen. 

“But…”

Hay God!

“You were saying a lot of ‘uhm’. How can you be saying ‘uhm’ while praying. Everyone will just think you’re unserious. Learn to pray without saying ‘uhm’.”

I tell her thank you and I leave. She’s nice. I will stop saying ‘uhm’ when I’m praying. 

2:14 p.m. 

It’s a mostly uneventful day, so I go to get lunch. Bole and pomo. It used to be bole and fish, but please, fish is expensive. Me and the woman are gisting. We’re friends now. She starts talking about her life so I ask her if I can record her and write some stuff. 

Here’s some stuff I found interesting:

“I came to Abuja from Benue in 2000. My dad died when I was four, so I came  to live with my aunt. She put me through to get my O-Levels before she passed away. In 2008, a friend found out about selling food in Mami Market and told me to try it out. I wasn’t interested, but somehow, she convinced me, so I came here, registered and started business. 

It was terrible. There were already about five women here selling fish, and I started with low capital, so when they would be roasting a lot of fish, I would have only three on my pan. Nobody bought from me. The corp members would come out and troop to all those other women and nobody would buy from me. I was getting depressed. 

I’m Catholic, so I decided pray about the situation. I did a novena (prayer and fasting for nine days). On the ninth day, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He told me that instead of roasting only three pieces of fish, I should buy a whole carton and roast it all at once. I didn’t even consider disobeying once. I just did it. The first time I did it, I sold out in minutes. And that’s how business success started for me. 

In the next few years, I transitioned between roasting fish and selling drinks. We used to sell alcohol on this camp until a few years ago when we got a new administration. After about three years, I started selling actual food. My restaurant is called “Winners”. I’m not selling food this time because of COVID. The administration only wanted a few food sellers so I decided not to do food. In fact, this is my first time of selling bole. 

I’ll be honest, I really don’t like the the roasting job. The heat is unreal. Even when you’re asleep, after a long day and a bath, you can still feel the heat inside you. And there’s no getting used to it, you feel the same thing everyday. I can’t wait for COVID to go away so I can get back to selling my food. I’m tired of selling bole.”

9:00 p.m. 

I’ve always said it. The chickens in this place are not normal. They are angry. This chicken with new chicks just started chasing this woman unprovoked. She had to drop her bags and run. Lowkey, I’m a terrible person because I couldn’t control my laughter. The chicken stopped chasing the woman when I brought out my phone to record though. 

Another opportunity to have a viral video on the internet, gone.

---

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 8: I’m Now A Bad Boy

---

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

---

5:30 a.m. 

Yesterday, I decided that I was going to stay in the hostel when everyone else was going for parades. I am a man of my words. I’m the only one in the room. Everyone has gone out for parades. I never realized it was this easy to skip early morning parades. Just stay in your bed when everyone is going out, finish. They’re probably shouting “Left, Right” and doing Slow March fifty times. But I’m here, lying in bed and thinking about the best position to continue my sleep in. 

I’m a bad boy. Nobody can control me. I’ve grown wings. 

7:49 a.m. 

I wake up and look at the time. I begin to panic. Why are they not back by this time? Normally we’d be back in hostel by 7:05-ish so what marching are they doing that they’re almost one hour late. 

Abi the passing out parade is already happening ni? 

I call someone at the parade grounds. He picks and whispers, “We dey march, We dey march.” I calm down. I go back to sleep. 

8:05 a.m

I’m doing some stuff in the hostel when I hear some guy announces that he wants to sell his soccer boots. I’m interested. We have our football match today, my platoon. I’ve been training and I’m playing. I tell him to bring them and let me see. They’re my perfect size. They’re rubber boots, those cheap ones. They’re new and obviously haven’t been worn before. He tells me the story about how he’s just bought them and he decided not to play for his platoon again so he wanted to sell. 

All that one is okoto meow meow skrr. My game face is on. 

“How much?”

“N1500”

“Hahaha… N1000.” I feel some guilt. The shoes are actually like N1500

“Bro I actually bought it 1500. I just want to -“

“N1300”

He agrees. I tell him to send his account number to me on WhatsApp. 

Chima that sells sneakers in Yaba did not survive my bargaining skills. Who are you? 

I said I’m now a bad boy. 

9:16 a.m. 

I’m just leaving the hostel. My roommates have insulted me a lot today. They said I had all the time in the world alone in the hostel but they all got dressed even before I had my bath. That’s their own problem. The hostel leader who’s in my room gives me they keys. I must lock the hostel when I finally leave. 

As I’m about to leave, some man walks into the hostel. He wants to fix a toilet. He says I have to wait. I have no problems with that. I go back to my room and chill. He’s done now and we’re leaving together. 

As we step out, I see a group of people getting punished for being late. The soldiers call me to join the punishment. I tell them I had to wait behind with the toilet repair guy. They let me go. 

Yo, today is going to be a great day. I feel like a secondary school prefect. 

9:40 a.m

I’m at OBS. Everyone else is doing SAED lectures but I stay behind to “do some work.” 

I start feeling guilty so I leave and go to SAED to join them. 

I’m not a bad boy inside inside. 

11:38 a.m.

I’m actually getting invested in this agro-allied SAED I chose. This man has talked about rabbit farming very well. Now I want to start my own farm. I start calculating how much it will cost to start a rabbit farm when I’m back in Lagos. 

Will I or will I not go through with it?

I know the answer. Smh David. 

1:37 a.m.

As I lie on my bed, all I’m thinking is “God bless Muslims.” It is because of Jumat we closed early from SAED. Now I’m drifting off to sleep. At this point, with the enjoyment I’ve enjoyed today, am I even a corper? If I was at home sef, someone would have asked me to wash plates or sweep the floor. 

I could get used to this. 

4:37 p.m.

We’re still marching but my mind is on the football match that’s slated for after the marching. I have made too much mouth about my abilities not to score ten goals in this game. May God not shame me. 

6:55p.m. 

They beat us ooo!!! They beat us. 2-1. Let me not lie, I played very well in this game. I might have been one of the best players of the game, I’m not even lying. The two goals they scored, it’s because my teammates were doing as if they’ve not eaten. Extremely frustrating. 

But the goal we scored came from one of the best passes I’ve seen since people started playing football in this camp. Ronaldo, in all his majesty cannot pass a ball like that. 

If everyone had been giving the ball to the guy who made that pass all game, we would have won, but they would rather try a shot from 40 yards out first. Well, the one goal we scored was the last kick of the game. I’m sure they learnt their lesson. 

Oh, and yes. It was I who gave the beautiful pass to assist the goal. Even the opponents were applauding the brilliance. 

Only if my teammates knew early enough. 

7:22 p.m

I’m just finished going round the entire camp checking the places where the OBS sounds reach and the places where they don’t. Our coordinator sees my report and says it’s a great job. I think she likes me. Maybe I remind her of her son. 

8:28 p.m. 

I’m definitely the last person going for this social night thing. After my OBS work, I stayed behind to buy some dinner at Mami market. I wasn’t scared. All I had to do was show any soldier my OBS pass. I’d be allowed to pass. 

“Self deceit is a terrible thing”, I think to myself  as the soldier shouts at me to bounce higher as I stand on one foot and suspend the other in the air. I am in great pain. My OBS scam didn’t work. I hate this man. Does he know who I am?

9:33 p.m.

As I enter my room, it freshly dawns on me that we have rearranged the room to accommodate a few more bunk beds so that the corpers resuming camp tomorrow can stay. They were corpers from the last batch that had to leave because of COVID but now they have to come back to finish their camp experience. 

Imagine leaving NYSC camp and staying at home for ten months only for someone to tell you to go back. 

Somebody say God forbid. 

---

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 7: Which Nigerian Tribe Eats The Most?

---

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

---

4:00 a.m. 

I wake up and look at my phone. 4 on the dot. Perfect.  I slept early last night so I definitely feel much better this morning. I pick up my bucket to go and fetch some water to take a bath. My roommates are not awake. Who asked them to be sleeping late?

As my bucket is getting filled up, I open my WhatsApp. I scroll through messages to see who I’ll reply first and then I see that someone sent me two voice notes by 3 a.m. I met her when I was searching for people to talk to for Abroad Life, we talked and I published her story. A lot of people read and loved it. And then we became friends. But it was still strange that she would send me a two voice notes by 3:a.m. 

I press play. Omo I just dey smile like fool. She was telling me about how she just binge read NYSC diaries and how much she loved all the stories. 

We text until my bucket becomes full. I put my phone back on Airplane Mode. The day is about to start. 

5:16 a.m. 

I’m one of the first people to get to the parade ground. See what good sleep can do for someone? I see the dumbbells that are meant for the soldiers. They warn us everyday not to try to lift them without supervision. I have coconut head. I lift them and I’m impressed with myself. I check my muscles if they’ve gotten bigger since my 5-minutes of workout. They have. I will do this everyday and come out of here looking like Hulk Hogan. 

6:05 a.m. 

At the devotion grounds, this woman begs us that if we’re sick, we should go home. She keeps saying it so much, it becomes suspicious. Why is she trying to get us to go home? I will not fall sick and go home. I want to see what they’ll share to the people that decide to stay. Nobody can cheat me. 

10:49 a.m

I’m in OBS while the normal people (read: peasants)  have been in SAED since 9 a.m. I love this job. I’m just chilling, charging my phone and texting. This is the most time I’ve had with my phone since I got here. I like OBS. 

11:00 a.m.

I’m on the phone with my dad. We’re having a 20-minute conversation about my NYSC diary. He’s my biggest fan. He texts me everyday and we talk about the story of that day. Today we talk about it on a call. Nice stuff. 

2:45 p.m. 

I don’t hate them o, but it’s God that will judge my roommates. I’m here trying to sleep and they are arguing about which Nigerian tribe eats meat more. I want to stand up and fight but I’m also trying to close my eyes and sleep. 

There was no light, so I couldn’t do my show at OBS that was meant to start by 2. I came to hostel to sleep and five minutes after I started sleeping they started this argument. 

It goes on for ages, this particular topic. Yoruba people win. Because the guy representing has lived in Ibadan for a few years and he sees how people order one wrap of amala with seven meats at Amala Sky. Everyone is amazed. Another Yoruba roommate says one time he and 6 family members conquered 48 pieces of meat one time at a bukka. 

I’m lost for words. But at this point, I make up my mind that whenever I see these people sleeping, I will disturb them. 

I am a man of war. 

8:06 p.m. 

The sponsors of the daily social nights we have are addressing us again. They address us everyday. I try to listen but I swear I can never understand what they’re trying to say. It’s like they’re saying something different everyday. 

Today the man tells us that they’re ready to give us jobs. We don’t need qualifications and we don’t need to apply. We just need our personal information and voters card. 

Come off it my dear. We’ve watched Oloture. 

Look at their flyer sef.

---

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 6: I Will Shut Down Mami Market With My N3200 Bicycle Allowance

---

 

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

---

4:33 a.m 

My roommates wake me up. They’re such nice people. They actually try to wake me up every morning and tell me it’s time to prepare for the day. God bless them. I can feel it in my bones, I’m getting tired. I don’t hate any of the activities or anything, but because the days start so early and end so late, I’m using a lot of my energy.

7:56 a.m. 

I just finished taking a bath and now I’m dressing up. We have to go for SAED lectures A.K.A. “The five hour torture NYSC gives you daily for merely existing and being on their premises.” I don’t like thinking about SAED. I hate SAED. I about to put on my rubber shoes when I remember that I haven’t seen my actual Nike shoes that I wore to camp a few days ago. I hardly ever lose stuff- even if I don’t know where my stuff is, I know where it could be. But at this point, I’m sure that my shoes have been stolen. I decide to check anyways. I check my locker, my bed surroundings and even inside my box. Nothing. They have stolen my shoes, won ti ji mi ni bata. Almost everyone is in the room, so I make an announcement but everyone denies seeing any shoes. I trust them, so I believe them. I decide to wait for night time so that I’ll ask everyone.

9:10 a.m. 

I go to drop my power bank for charging with Nas. He’s my friend. He knew my name since the first time we did business together and he’s been nice to me ever since. Sometimes he doesn’t collect money from me. As I’m leaving, I turn back and ask him if he can get me one of those fake iPhone earphones that use bluetooth, so I can listen to music and not die. He says he can. I tell him to get it for me. “Na N2000.” I swallow hard. Who asked me to use phone that doesn’t have earphones jack. I tell him to buy it though. It’s the price I have to pay.  Besides, I will soon collect my bicycle allowance. N3200. On God, when I collect that money, Mami Market will know that David Odunlami is around.  I will spoil everybody. But N2000 has gone now. Let me see what I can do with N1200. 

12:37 p.m.

I have stepped out of the SAED hall. These people will not kill me. How can you be teaching people that are obviously not listening to you? May God forgive these people. 

I see a group of people talking. They look cool. I do that thing where you want to join a conversation but you don’t want to join immediately so you just hang around until they talk about something you’re interested in and then you make eye contact with one of them so you act like they forced you to join. Now we’re talking about animals. Everyone is saying the name of the animals they’re scared of. I tell them mine. Guinea fowls. I’m terrified of guinea fowls. 

The girl beside me says the only animals she’s not afraid of are cats and horses. Weirdo. I ask her if she ever plans to own a horse and she says “Oh, the only reason I can stand horses is because we had a lot of them growing up. I’m from a royal family and we used to go horse riding, fencing and all of that.”

Ah! How can you say that so casually? Horse riding and fencing? That just smells like wealth. 

Anyways, do you have marriage that you’re not using? It won’t be bad to marry into a royal family and be riding horses. (I hope my girlfriend doesn’t read this part. Focus David, focus).

1:00 p.m.

This is my cue to leave. I have an OBS program by 2 p.m. It’s global music countdown. I leave with my friend who is in my platoon as well as in OBS. She’s really cool, I think we’re going to be friends. A soldier stops us and delays us for about 15 minutes with boring jokes and unnecessary interrogation. Then he lets us go and tells us that when we get to OBS, we should open the window and wave at him so that he can confirm that that’s where we are going. We get there and wave, but he’s not looking. 

1:36 p.m.

I’m discussing my program with my co-hosts when the soldier arrives. He asks why we  didn’t follow his instructions. We tell him we did. He says we should have waved until he looked. We apologize. He’s not taking it. Now we have to stand in front of him, wave and shout “Bros! We don reach OBS o!” at the top of our voices. This goes on for about five minutes because he claims he cannot hear anything. He’s sitting about one meter from us and we’re shouting at the top of our voices and waving like mad people. After some time he says he can’t see us and begins to look elsewhere so we have to start running towards wherever he looks so we can be in his direct line of sight. Then after requesting that I play a song on OBS for him, he let’s us go. 

Number One, by R.Kelly. 

R.Kelly. 

*Shivers*

3:05 p.m. 

I’m done with my show now. The Billboard Top Ten songs are not interesting as the Nigerian songs Magma handpicked for me. Today was for global countdown. People told me they liked the show. I didn’t like it. I want to do Nigerian songs again. I’m eating pounded yam. I have collected my OBS pass so now I’m technically invisible. I must celebrate. 

5:49 p.m

I FaceTime my best friend. He twote a tweet a few days ago about meeting a new guy on camp that was cool and that I should be afraid because he might replace me. I needed to check up on him. They were at the parade grounds in Lagos camp. He looked like he had lost weight and he was really tired. That’s good. If your new best friend cannot feed you and make you look fresh even while marching, then he cannot replace me. I’m not afraid. 

6:55 p.m. 

I collect my new earphones from Nas. They work well. Nice. I use this opportunity to  practice my “Good evening”, “How are you” and “Thank you”. I’m learning Hausa. My new friend is teaching me. Nas corrects everything I say. Maybe I’m a slow learner. But one day, I’ll get there. 

I like Nas’ apprentice’s jeans. 

7:04 p.m. 

I’m going to my hostel. I’m too tired to function. I just finished practicing for the football match on Friday. I played well. I choose to eat fruit tonight. Banana and groundnuts. This fruit guy is not nice. One bunch of bananas is N700. Did he put gold inside? My friend helps me price it down to 300 for half of the bunch. Good business. 

8:57 p.m. 

I have never been this tired in my life. I keep falling asleep in public. I want to scream. But I’m out here watching people act their drama. They’ll release us soon though. God save me. 

9:10 p.m. 

We’re back in the room. I make the announcement for my shoes again. Nothing. It will go to the soldiers first thing in the morning, my room leader says. 

A few minutes later though, he remembers that the only shoes in his wardrobe that don’t belong to him are for our roommate who is in the sick bay.

“Let me see them”

They are my shoes. We bless God.

 I go to bed. 

---

In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 5: Why Are People Sniffing Lizard Poop?

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And if you want to leave camp before it ends, here’s how to do it:

How To Leave NYSC Camp: Tips and Procedures

---

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

---

3:58 a.m. 

I’m back from the bathroom, I just took a bath. Or at least that’s what I’ll tell my roommates. In reality, I went in there fully dressed, washed my face and then stayed for a bit let time pass. 

But I’m back now and nobody can come and inspect my body to see if I really took a bath. Nobody is awake anyways and I cannot let cold kill me for my mother. I read my bible, pray and go back to sleep fully dressed. The point is to sleep until everyone is leaving the room so I can get maximum sleeping time. 

I am wise. 

5:50 a.m. 

We’re being addressed at the parade ground after our morning exercise drills. We’ve had different people come and speak to us. This woman says “We thank God for the gift of life”, and the guy beside me says “Gift of life? Gift of life when sleep dey worry person!”

I laugh, bring out my phone and type it out in my notes. It’s definitely going in today’s diary. 

6:22 a.m. 

The man from NDLEA is speaking to us about the ways people abuse drugs and he mentions that people sniff lizard poop as hard drugs. I am confused; Some people are seeing lizards in their compounds and going “Oh my precious one, I can’t just wait for excreta to come out of your body so I can get find it, harvest it, and get high.”

Another woman speaks about patriotism. She says leaving Nigeria is not the best thing to do because if you migrate, you’ll be called an alien or an immigrant. 

Me I know that I have never seen someone fall on the floor and die just because someone called them “immigrant”. 

You cannot confuse me ma. I know where I belong. 🇨🇦

7:07 a.m

I finally take an okay picture of the mountain in our view. 

Be afraid, nature photographers. I’m coming for your throne. 

7:33 a.m

I’m disappointed in myself. I wanted to try masa for the first time but I’m here eating terrible and overpriced rice and stew. It’s the woman’s fault, somehow. She didn’t attend to me fast enough so I had time to convince myself to try it another day. Also, a friend on camp was passing and she said she was going to eat rice or yam and I just took that as a cue to leave. Maybe tomorrow, I will try the masa. 

8:37 a.m. 

I go to submit my bank account opening form so that nobody will give me excuses at the end of the month. The woman is not around. Nobody should play with me and my money. 

As I pass a deserted looking room, I get the urge to look into it through a window. What could be here? I check. Gold. 

People can be so humble. Look at these kitchen workers walking around like they don’t possess something so precious. 

12:00 p.m 

I’m tired of these SAED lectures. I won’t write about them a lot because writing about them will stress me out mentally. At some point, I tried to go out and then they called me to come and hold banner for some guy. Ugh. There’s a picture of me sleeping but I will not share it. 

A hen attacks me. 

I’m leaving in 30 minutes, I decide. I have an OBS show by 2pm and I need to prepare at OBS *wink wink*

12:40 p.m.

OBS is a powerful name. All the soldiers and camp officials let me pass and now I’m here. I really don’t have any more preparations to do. I’m just here to sleep. 

3:45 p.m.

I’m done with OBS. Keke and I did a top ten Nigerian music count down. It felt like Ranked. I enjoyed doing it. At first, I thought it was not great but the woman in charge told me it was fantastic. Now I’m walking on the streets and people are hailing me and saying they enjoyed it. I feel like a god. 

Apparently, my Arsenal fan roommate/friend was going round telling people that it was me who was on the speakers. The music we played was also really good. 

I will not lie, I am happy. 

9:54 p.m.

I’m ready to sleep. The rest of the day went by as a sad blur. I’m physically tired. Maybe all the times where I fell down publicly and became an object of ridicule while trying to play football have added to this tiredness. I also really hate that they forced us to go and watch all the boring dramas. As I try to block myself out of the entire thing, my external earphone jack spoils. I need Airpods and I’m getting frustrated. 

I take an actual bath before so sleep. I’m not a pig.

Someone just told me they liked my broadcast again. 

🙈

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In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 4: I Just Want To Sleep

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A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

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Today was a good day. I know because I’m lying in bed completing this, and I’m happy. I don’t know what I’m happy about in particular. I’m just happy

4:38 a.m. 

I hear my name and then I realise someone has been calling it for some time. So I wake up. The first feeling I get is surprise. I’m surprised that someone actually has to wake me up. I must have been really tired, I think to myself. I immediately jump out of my bed and rush to fetch water. 

5:22 a.m. 

We’re on the parade ground and the weather is really cold but I’m not joining everyone to act like they’re cold. These people don’t know that God is preparing them for Canada. If you cannot chest Abuja harmattan cold, how can you chest Victoria cold or Ontario cold. 

God, look at me. I can chest the cold. I’m ready.  

We continue our drills and then do the final preparations for our swearing in ceremony. Our swearing in ceremony is in a few hours. This is what we’ve been waiting for. 

7:30 a.m. 

The days fly by so slowly here. I have only been here for about three days and it feels like I’ve been here since forever. Right now, as we prepare for the swearing in ceremony, I’m in the hostel store. My combat shoes didn’t come with laces. Is this a sign oh Lord? Do you want me to leave this camp?

I’m begging the woman who controls the store to give me new laces. She says I can live my life without laces. I can’t. I stay there for about thirty minutes begging her. She gives me laces. 

Life lesson: If you stay at someone’s gate and keep shouting for them to give you something, at some point, they’ll get tired and just give you. 

Who has Dangote’s address?

8:58 a.m.

We are on the parade grounds. I’m low-key psyched. I hate the fact that I’m getting my head into this thing for real. I came here to do “Aloof Big Boy Who Watches Everything and Everyone Condescendingly And Laughs At People Who Take It Seriously Because NYSC Is A Joke”, but here I am, first on the line, urging people to join up. 

Clown. 

11:11 a.m

We’re done with the swearing in ceremony. I’m looking at everyone with a new sense of respect now. We all did so well. I want to group hug all 850 of us and the soldiers too. We should all be friends.

I almost forgot! There was a tug of war at the parade. Two teams, one with big bodied women, and another with small bodied men. The big bodied women represented the minister and when they won, the man representing them called one of them and gave them his 17-karat gold wrist watch. 

Now I want to be a big bodied woman. 

Back to real life though, I’m dying of pain. I’m about 79% sure that when I take off these shoes, the aroma of grilled meat will attract everyone to me. My feet are burning. These shoes were sent by the devil to give a preview of hell. Hell, hell isn’t as hot as the insides of those shoes were. 

2:43 p.m.

I wake up and force myself to leave the hostel. They’ll call us again by 4pm to come and do something. I have three things to do. Eat, so that I will not die, charge my power bank, and submit my day’s recap to OBS to see if they’ll accept me as a good enough writer. I leave hostel and get lunch from mami market. Fries and fried eggs. N500. Overpriced. I forget to take pictures. I’m really hungry. 

But who sent me? I could have bought garri and poured it inside water. Shebi it’s me that wants to have coconut head and eat fries? Well I realise that I have just N500 left in my existence. 

God please, now would be a good time for this bicycle allowance. Help me. 

4:00 p.m.

I’ve just finished recording a sports show on OBS. Me, starboy. The entire camp is hearing my voice. And I didn’t even plan it. 

Everyone in OBS is cool and chill. Even our coordinator is really chill. This was probably my best moment in camp so far. I made videos of myself speaking. If anyone ever tells me that Mass Communication degree is useless, I’ll show them this. 

As I head to the parade ground, I wonder what we’re going to be doing seeing as we already sworn in. 

6:30 p.m

We learnt new marching drills and I absolutely enjoyed them. Oluwa wetin dey occur??

A whole lot of the drills came naturally to me because we did all of that stuff in Junior Secondary school. I’m wondering, as I walk back to my hotel, “All these people that don’t know anything about marching, didnt they go to secondary school?”

8:44 p.m.

I just finished frog jumps because I came out of the hostel late. I won’t lie, I’m getting really tired now. Is it by force to watch these cringy dramas? I just want to sleep.

9:48 p.m.

I forget to take a picture of my food again. I’m really tired. 

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In case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 3: “NYSC Destroyed My Relationship”

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A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

7:58 a.m 

Everybody is talking about jollof rice. That’s what we’re having for lunch. Jollof rice and chicken. I’m lowkey excited but I’m not showing it. I don’t want to get my expectations up and then get eba and egusi. I don’t like eba and egusi.

Breakfast is bread and tea though. 

10:45 a.m 

I’ve made so much progress today. I’ve charged my phone and my power bank, I’ve eaten breakfast, I’ve dropped my khaki for dry-cleaning and I’ve played football. 

Now I’m doing some laundry with my roommate, Abdul. We start talking about relationships. He had a lot to say, and some interesting stories. 

I decide that that’s what I’ll write about today. 

Abdul, 26

“If anyone told me the relationship before this one was ever going to end, I would laugh, look at them straight in the eye and tell them to go back to the circus they came from. Maybe I was the one in the circus. The relationship ended because it was long-distance. 

When I started dating Aisha, I had plans to marry her, but I wasn’t putting all my eggs in her basket. We met through a friend three years ago. I’d just gotten back into Nigeria after completing my medical degree. I liked her immediately, we got talking and somehow, we started dating. Here’s the thing though: For the two years that our relationship lasted, it was long-distance. She was in school in Ilorin and I was doing my housemanship in Lagos.  I would occasionally go and see her and we’d get a hotel room and chill. 

At some point, she started having bad grades. As we talked about it, she somehow mentioned that she and her roommate had started going out a lot and keeping late nights. I advised her to stop and maybe hang out with another of her friends who I knew was doing great in school. She threw a fit. She didn’t want me to try to control her. We barely talked for three months. We started talking again when she realised that she had a carry over and both her friends had left her in school. I was there for her throughout the time when she had to be in school to re-do the course. She went to a private school so they let them re-do the exam over the summer. 

Things started getting better when she was done with the exam. She came and told me that she was going to become a better person and listen to my advice more. Awesome. 

In 2019, she went for NYSC. She got posted to Benue. I stayed in Benue all my life, from when I was born, until when I left Nigeria. She got an apartment and she made a friend. I don’t have a problem with her making friends. But this new friend was a heavy drinker and smoker. She was also a lesbian but I don’t even know if that’s necessary for this story. 

Aisha started going out, drinking and smoking a lot. You see, if that’s the person I signed up to date, I probably wouldn’t have had a problem with all of that. But this was a complete switch up. She totally and completely changed. She stopped staying in her own apartment and started living with her friend. At some point, the both of them left their apartments and started living with some guy because he had DSTV and they wanted to watch Big Brother. 

I obviously expressed my feelings, fears and concerns, but nothing changed. I offered to subscribe for her to watch Big Brother from her phone. She said she needed company to watch it. She was going to be lonely, she said. I didn’t want her to be lonely so I let her be. 

Then came the lies. I wasn’t stalking her or anything but somehow I had intel on where she was. She would lie and say she wasn’t there and then apologize later. She was living the craziest life and lying to me. One time, she mistakenly picked my call and what I heard made me want to throw up. The lies and apologies continued but I was just hoping that something would she change. 

But my last straw was when I saw a snap of her out without a hijab. I couldn’t take that. She disrespected religion and still lied about it. We just decided to break up. I hope she’s doing okay.”

7pm

I join OBS. I hear that people in OBS don’t do all this ghetto shit. I tell the woman I meet there that I can write and also present on radio. In a surprisingly impressive soundproof room with nice equipment, she gives me a piece of paper to read out some jingle into a microphone. I think she likes my voice. Who doesn’t?

Tomorrow is our swearing in ceremony. She tells me to write a breakdown of my day tomorrow and bring it along. 

If only she read NYSC Diary.

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Here’s Day 2, in case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 2: Wahala For Who No Disguise

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A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So, everyday by 1:30PM for the next 21 days, one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences.

3:48 a.m

I finally wake up. I’ve been trying to force myself back to sleep, for about 10 minutes but it just wasn’t working. I check the time and begin to wonder if this is my life now. Who wakes up by 3:48? Well first of all, I realise that the reason I was uncomfortable at first was because of my mosquito net. I didn’t take whatever right steps I needed to before I set it up and now my face was on fire, reacting to the chemicals. But it’s an all too familiar feeling. I went to boarding house. This has happened to me a few times. 

Also it doesn’t help that all my roommates are awake and gisting like men who just returned from the after party of a war victory. Loud. Opening these metal lockers like there’s a “Who Can Disturb David The Most” competition. I like them though, all nine of them. 

I’m sha awake. I read my bible and pray and then  I take a bath and dress. Now I’m waiting to hear the famous bugle for the first time. 

5:18 a.m

The bugle didn’t sound until 4:55 a.m. Everyone lied. These soldiers are pretty chill. They love us and want us to get some extra sleep. Anyways, we’re on the parade ground. I don’t know why I came. I could have worn my mufti and given the excuse that I hadn’t fully registered so there was no way I could have joined. But I’m happy I came. This isn’t a parade, we’re just dancing and singing and I’m having the time of my life. There’s a mountain behind us. I’m shuffling between recording myself dancing and trying to revive my nature photography career. Nobody is disturbing me for using my phone. I love it. 

6:19 a.m

Parade preparations have started o. This isn’t what I want. Send help. I want to dance.  We’re doing the same drills over and again. I am ruining the NYSC anthem and messing up the drills. I’m a fast learner though, I’ll catch up pretty easily. 

We’re saying the National pledge and the guy beside me says “I pledge to Nigeria my country, to be successful, loyal and honest…”

I think it was a mistake, but I don’t care. I have to stan a success driven king. 

8:30 a.m. 

I’m tired. We stood for what felt like days. Now I’m starting the on-camp registration I couldn’t do yesterday. The woman doing the NYSC registration walks in and rudely tells me get out of her hall because I had the audacity to wear all white before registering. I have to “de-kit”, she says. I don’t like her. 

She turns out to be a nice person though. I’m doing my registration now and she’s honestly not that bad. Anyways, I try to take all my time. I hear there’s a lecture that happens between 9 a.m and 1 p.m and I want none of that. 

12:17 p.m

I’m done with my registration. I’m very hungry. The last real thing I ate was my sister’s spaghetti stir fry more than 24-hours ago. I already promised the boli and fish woman that I was going to buy from her, so I head straight to her shop. I’m a man of my words. Her food is great. Or maybe I’m just hungry. We go again tomorrow. 

I run into someone I met yesterday when I’m leaving and we start gisting. I tell her that I’m not going for the evening parade. My excuse would be that I’m not done with my registration. It wouldn’t be a lie because I’ve not submitted my bank account opening form. She likes the idea and she’ll do the same. 

Wahala for who no disguise. 

3:30 p.m

I wake up. This was good sleep. I was super super tired, but this helped. Parade is by 4 p.m. I’m not going. I have to find somewhere to hide. 

4:12 p.m

“Left, Right!” “At ease!” I, with my own hands, dressed, and came for the parade. I decided that I preferred the suffering the parade brought to the mental stress hiding from soldiers who are trained to find people who are hiding would bring. 

6:57 p.m

We’re out of camp and in Mami Market. There’s a new suya guy. Kamal. My arsenal fan friend and I are in front of him waiting for our suya on the fire and suddenly, we become comedians. We’re basically putting on a show. People are laughing and a crowd is building up. Kamal is getting drowned by orders because of us. We tell him we can do this for him every night, as long as we’ll get free suya. He’s not biting.

Also, people eat grilled chicken feet?

Some girls on the laughing on the suya queue leave and decide to buy fish and chips. They invite us to join them because they “like our vibe.” The fish and chips, mad. 

Wahala for who no funny. 

8:20 p.m

I’m being punished. My crime: I didn’t go for the 8pm party early enough. I was sitting at a table and talking about life with my  Arsenal fan friend. Is it by force to go for a party? They answer is yes. Enjoyment is by force. We’re about twenty who get punished. They let us go. 

9:30 p.m

The party was boring before but these guys wearing KKK looking costumes for their drama definitely have my attention. 

Then the dancing part comes. People come out to dance to represent their geopolitical zones. It didn’t start great because people were shy, but it picked up pretty fast. 

My best performers are the South East people. They put on a really good show. But also noteworthy are the North West and North East people. When they called them out, I thought “Ah Alhajas, cute. I wonder what type of dance they’ll do?” 

The things my eyes saw. Ah! Hm! Arewa Twitter must not even hear of this. 

South South people just came to do a twerking competition. 

Wahala for who no sabi twerk.

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Here’s the entry for DAY 1, in case you missed it:

NYSC Diary DAY 1: Abuja People Don’t Know How To Drive

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[donation]

A few months ago we began the NYSC Diaries, which covered inside life stories of NYSC in Nigeria. Stories like things NYSC corps members can relate to or what to do when you’re posted to a faraway place, like Borno.

A new NYSC batch has been called in for camp. So in the next few weeks, we’re excited to announce that one of our writers will be sharing his day-to-day camp experiences, which you can find here at 1:30 p.m. every day.

What to expect.

1. Expect pictures, lots of pictures. 

We will take you on a visual tour. Literally.

2. How does Nigeria plan to keep corp members safe during this COVID-19 period?

The Coronavirus is still wreaking havoc in countries, but Nigeria is running on vibes. How will the government keep the people safe this period? We’ll find out. 

3. Inside stories of Abuja corpers and corpers in general.

Is there any particular gist you want us to find? Tell us here.

As the conveyor of culture and experiences, we got your back.

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[donation]

The Director-General has approved Thursday, 15th of October as the date for the Passing Out Parade (POP) for the 2019 Batch C, Stream 1 corps members.

In a circular released by the body, the approved order of activities goes thus:

1. Monday, 12th of October, 2020:

a. Release of passing out corps members by employers

b. Registration/Clearing out of corps members by Local Government Inspectors (LGI)

2. Tuesday, 13th of October, 2020:

a. Signing of final clearance by Zonal Inspectors

b. Administration of Questionnaire (Form 4B) on 30% of the corps members who are passing out.

3. Wednesday, 14th of October, 2020:

a. Signing of final clearance by Zonal Inspectors

4. Thursday, 15th of October, 2020:

a. Distribution of certificates to deserving corps members at local government level.

View the circular here: NYSC POP ACTIVITIES.

We wish all NYSC Batch C, Stream 1 passing out corps members the best.

Here’s our earlier post on the NYSC Batch C, Stream 1 Passing Out Parade (POP):

Everything You Should Know About NYSC Batch C, Stream 1 POP

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Other NYSC posts you’ll enjoy: 16 Ways To Make Money During Your NYSC Year

And this one about CDS: 16 NYSC CDS Groups And Their Functions

Edit

Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

One year ago, we left Nigeria for an 80-day adventure across West Africa. Something is coming. Unshared stories. New perspectives. Limited series. 10 episodes.

Visit jollofroad.com now to join us  🥳

NYSC service year is that one year you have to yourself before life comes at you with full force and you have to make major decisions. Before your one year of serving your country ends, please try to do these things. You’ll thank yourself for it.

1. Explore.

See new places, travel, go on fun trips. Don’t just remain in your Ibarapa local government and expect to have fun stories when service year ends.

2. Make new friends.

Some people are introverts and we understand. But no matter how much you like your own company, try making a friend or two. One can’t exist in isolation. And who knows where a good connection might lead?

3. Learn something new.

Learn a new language, how to prepare a new dish, how to do something outside your comfort zone. It’s going to help you. Really.

4. Try new dishes.

This one should be a given.

5. Take time to plan the next phase of your life.

See ehn, life comes at you really fast. One minute, you are this peng ting doing NYSC and happy. The next thing you know, your people are calling to ask you when you will marry and where you plan to settle. Best to come up with your own plans before they mess it up for you.

6. Journal.

This is therapeutic. And it also helps your writing muscles, to put it that way.

7. Fall in love.

And if you get your heart broken, take it as part of character development. You need it. It won’t always end in tears anyway. You can meet the love of your life and get married. This love thing is a mystery.

8. Volunteer.

Apply yourself to something meaningful. NYSC allowance is sweet, yes, but the sweetest thing is doing your own little part to touch lives.

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This one is for parents and family members: Corps Members Want You To Stop Asking Them These Questions

Being a corps member is hard. Everybody presumes to know more than you do about your own life and more often than not, they ask questions and offer advice that can be quite stressful. Here are some of those questions:

1. “What state are you planning to live after NYSC?”

This question is important, yes. But corps members are stressed and anxious and this might not be the right time to increase their anxiety. Give them time to take things slowly and get their lives and affairs in order.

2. “Now that NYSC is about to end, how much have you saved?”

This is a look that actually means, “You don’t know what is going on.” You see that issue of saving money during NYSC? Let’s just give God the glory.

3. “So, how far with wedding plans na?”

Honestly, corps members want you all to calm down. Marriage is not running away. Besides, is it not somebody who is balance that will decide to get married? Let these corps members find their balance, please.

4. “Did you even serve at all? After all, they stopped you people from going to the PPA.”

This is what they have in mind whenever you ask that kind of question. For real.

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Have you read this? 7 Types Of People You’ll Meet At NYSC CDS

When people talk about NYSC, most times it’s a story of horror. But for real, NYSC has its own benefits, and here’s is a list of some of them.

1. The opportunity to travel to states you probably won’t ever travel to.

This one is for those posted to really far places: Katsina, Zamfara, Akwa Ibom, Calabar, Yobe, etc. Tell me, would you have carried yourself willingly and decided to travel there? I doubt it too. So, even though many people end up redeploying, they can still claim to have been to these places, courtesy of NYSC.

2. Opportunity to meet new people.

Well, some people keep to themselves in NYSC camp and during their service year. But if you are the kind who likes to make friends and meet new people, then NYSC is a gold mine for you. A lot of people have made life-changing connections. This could be you too, dear.

3. Respect.

See ehn, people respect anyone they see in NYSC khaki. There’s the shout of “Ajuwaya!” whenever you pass and some people do the “Otondo!” call. But whatever it is, there is an extra layer of respect given to you when you wear your khaki. Why else do you think your parents want you to take pictures with it and send it home for them to frame?

4. Free money.

It’s not exactly free, seeing as you’re working for it. But corps members serving during this Coronavirus pandemic cannot tell me otherwise. What you people are collecting is free money, dears.

5. It’s possible to meet the love of your life.

With God all things are possible. In camp, people look small in their white on white, but don’t despair. Let them wear jeans for the carnival or even dress up in their NYSC khaki and you will realize that God dey create.

6. Opportunity to reevaluate your life.

NYSC is the only gap year you have before Nigerian parents start rushing you to marry and give them grandchildren and monthly allowance. In that one year, many people have rediscovered new passions, new abilities and some others have, well, let’s just give God the glory.

7. And finally, free khaki.

They kuku don’t use to sell it in Aswani market.

Corps members serving in 2020 might as well be the ‘luckiest’ set. CDS has been suspended for months now and it doesn’t look like schools might reopen anytime soon. But this does not mean that the FG cannot still misbehave. And this is why prayers are necessary.

1. For the monthly allowance to continue, undisturbed.

Abeg biko.

2. For NYSC to not try any funny drama like extending service year.

May we not be unfortunate.

All The Ways In Which Corpers Serving In 2020 Might Be Lucky

3. For schools to remain closed or at least for corps members to be left undisturbed.

Not all of us are kuku qualified teachers.

4. For the months to speed by quickly.

Angel Gabriel, fast forward it small na.

5. For Coronavirus to end.

God abeg.

7 Types Of Corpers When They Hear That CDS Has Been Suspended Indefinitely

6. For POP to happen without any hinderance.

Give us our certificate and release us.

Everything Anyone Who Has Passed Out From NYSC Will Relate To

7. For everybody to return to their family house without wahala.

Only then can we say it was nice doing business with NYSC.

Here’s something that will remind you of CDS: 7 Types Of People You’ll Meet At NYSC CDS

It’s 3 days to the end of June 2020 and NYSC has not yet shown up with the June payment. What in the N33,000 is occuring? Well, we have an update:

It’s good news: NYSC will pay the June allowance. There’s been rumours about the payment being postponed so that NYSC will pay the June and July salary together. Well, NYSC has debunked this rumour with an update posted on their Facebook page that confirms that allowance will be paid for the month of June, 2020.

In other words, NYSC June 2020 payment is on its way.

Here’s a line from the release:

For the avoidance of doubt, all qualified Corps Members shall be paid allowance for the month of June, while in addition, those passing out from Service in July shall receive July stipend, as well as transport allowance.

We hope they make good this promise. You can read the full update on the NYSC Facebook page: Official NYSC

If you would like ideas on how to make extra money during your NYSC year, here is something you should read: 16 Ways To Make Money During Your NYSC Year

And if you miss NYSC CDS as much as we do, here is something else to cheer you up: 7 Types Of People You’ll Meet At NYSC CDS

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

In March, the 2020 Batch ‘A’ Stream One NYSC Orientation Camp was suspended only one week after it began. It was a precautionary move to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.

Recently, NYSC submitted a proposal to reopen NYSC orientation camps nationwide. The proposal was said to be a part of the NYSC plans on how prepared they were to carry on their activities post-COVID-19.

The Coronavirus pandemic has altered the NYSC scheme. Those in the orientation camps were sent back home, Batch B corps members had a low-key passing out parade with full adherence to the COVID-19 reform protocols, and the present Batch C corps members are no longer working due to the lockdown and shutdown of schools and other organizations.

So, what happens with this submitted proposal? Well, if approved by the Presidential Task Force (PTF), the Batch A stream one corps members who were sent back home would have to return to NYSC camp to complete the orientation activities. And then, perhaps other NYSC activities might return to normal, but with strict adherence to COVID-19 prevention tips.

But there is one wahala. Vice President Yemi Osinbajo has called on the government to consider suspending the whole NYSC scheme for 2 years.

The Vice President is the head of the Economic Sustainability Committee (ESC) which was set up to help work out a sustainability plan for the economy post-COVID. In their report to President Buhari, the committee stated that their immediate focus was on the Education sector, so they could address the disruptions caused by Corona. Here’s a bit of the report:

“Practical steps will be taken to minimise disruption to learning, utilising technology as appropriate. Specifically, virtual learning will be implemented (either online or through broadcast), virtual convocation ceremonies or issuance of certificates (with postponed ceremonies) should be implemented to continue educational progression.”

What then happens to NYSC camp? They recommended that it be suspended for 24 months. This does not mean that NYSC will be stopped fully. Corpers will be posted to their PPA and they will continue their service year. Only the 21 days orientation camp will be suspended until the situation of the economy improves and the corps members are called back.

Good news or nah?

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

NYSC Passing Out Parade (POP) is a moment every corps member waits for. It is that final day when your one year of service officially ends and you are handed your certificate. For this post, I spoke to some corps members about their one year of NYSC — the joys, the moments, and what comes next.

ADEDAYO ⁠— “NYSC was fantastic but tiring.”

For me, NYSC was fantastic but tiring. I served in Oyo state, with the Nigerian Eagle Flour Mill. Work was full of drama, but I guess that is to be expected. Making new friends is not my thing, so it was hard making friends at first and also settling down generally. It got better when I became the President of the Press and Publicity Unit at the Local Government, and I had to do my job. This time, I spoke with people and they laughed all through because they never thought I could be humorous.

NYSC was quite a ride. I made new friends, and this is something that will stay with me for a long time. I fell in love and fell out of it, I documented my camp experience for the OBS. It was a fantastic, but tiring year.

On the morning of my POP, I walked into my kitchen, and made Jollof rice for my brother and friends around. We were going to throw a small party, play games and laugh. But we could not, so we just ate and laughed. After I collected my certificate later that afternoon, I hugged a few friends and almost started to cry. It hit me that some of these people are never going to meet me again. Everyone had a road before them, and even though this road was certain or not, we were all bound to take it anyway. NYSC POP felt like we were all dispersing into our separate roads, every one of us walking into our individual futures. And it made me feel something I could not define. Right now, grad school is next. While I wait, I hope to get a job on a media team.

ZAINAB ⁠— “I loved everything about NYSC.”

I enjoyed NYSC. I loved everything about it: the idea of serving my country, the anthem, the Khaki, CDS, everything. I am happy that I had the opportunity to be part of it. Perhaps my best experience was in camp. I had fun doing all the activities, especially the parade which was my favourite. It was amazing to see young people like me come together. I loved the idea that in that moment, we were a representative of Nigeria (regions, religions etc)

I served in FCT, at at Planned Parenthood Federation of Nigeria (an NGO that focuses on Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights information and services). I am really glad this happened. The experience I had led me to discover my passion for sexual and reproductive health and rights. Now that I’m done, I see opportunities and not just jobs. I can pursue my MSc., I can do anything I want to do at this moment, without feeling pressured to get a job next month, for example. My plan is to intern for the organization I served at, while I count down the months leading to my post graduate academic year. I also plan to start a YouTube channel on Sexual and Reproductive health this June. The future holds a lot of exciting things for me and I cannot wait to explore them all.

All The Ways In Which Corpers Serving In 2020 Might Be Lucky

NDUKA ⁠— “NYSC was uneventful for me.”

I had a pretty uneventful service year. Yes, was really nice, but there wasn’t any stand-out moment. I’m glad it is over. Now, I can focus on the next chapter of my life. I am hopeful about all that is coming next. I served at an advertising agency, and I have been retained there. I am going to continue working for them for the forseeable future.

EMEKA ⁠— “NYSC gave me a clearer idea on how free I can be if I let myself try.”

I served in Plateau state. My PPA was a secondary school in NAMU, Qua’an-Pan LGA. At first I thought I would not enjoy the place because there was no power, but after a while, it became home for me. The warmth and love and relatively cheap food drew me in.

I think I learned about myself more. NYSC was a time of self-reflection for me. Although I won’t say I had this eureka moment when I knew what my life was about and what to do next, I would say NYSC gave me a clearer idea of how free I can be if I let myself try.

I remember how I resented the idea of spending a year away from my family. But looking back now, I think it was worth it. I met different people from different tribes and I made amazing friends and memories. I remember this time I asked my SS2 students to write a love letter to themselves. They wrote personal confessions, dreams and struggles, and it was touching to see them openly talk about their future and fears and hopes. It felt good to know that these kids, even with their poorly written pieces, had dreams and were willing to make sacrifices for those dreams. It is a memory I will forever hold on to.

Right now, I feel good that it is over — NYSC Passing Out Parade and everything. I feel happy, fulfilled. The main question now is ‘What Next’, but the honest answer is that I have no idea. People plan these things, but me, I don’t know. I’m sort of like flotsam right now. Wherever the water leads me, I’ll go. Not like I know where it will lead, yet I hope it takes me to a good place.

Everything Anyone Who Has Passed Out From NYSC Will Relate To

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

For corps members who passed out of service and those still in service, 2020 might be considered a very good year to serve Nigeria. From an increase in allowance to the suspension of major activities like CDS, 2020 corpers are definitely ballers.

1. Monthly allowance was increased to N33,000 this year.

The government probably increased the allowance with hopes that corps members will work like there is no tomorrow. You know, slave labour, but cover it with NYSC khaki. Only for Miss Corona to start her visitation and turn the whole plan around.

2. This same year, CDS was suspended.

This calls for thanksgiving and testimony, sha. Never have I witnessed anything more stressful like CDS. Tell me you didn’t rejoice when your LGI said you should stay at home. You probably travelled sef, lmao.

7 Types Of Corpers When They Hear That CDS Has Been Suspended Indefinitely

3. A lot of PPA have been closed, so corpers don’t have to go to work.

This has to be the best part, tbh. Waking up to know that your time and life are yours to waste. Nothing feels more exciting.

4. Still, allowance gets paid every month.

No clearance, but cash out dey happen steady steady. If you know any corps members, please bill them. They are eating the national moi-moi on a steady. They are even picking teeth. Small time now, some of them will debut Benz.

Everything You Should Know About NYSC Allowance For April 2020

5. No need for NYSC khaki.

https://twitter.com/deeejat_/status/1268491980256022531

A lot of corpers probably don’t know where they kept theirs. Cap is in Abule Egba, jacket in Amuwo Odofin, crested vest in Plateau and trouser in Rivers. As for the boots? To your tents, o Israel.

6. POP is now free of stress. No parades, no wahala.

This is probably the first time in the history of NYSC when corpers don’t have to enter wahala because of POP. This year, they asked corps members to come to their LG with the required documents and get their certificates. No removing headdress, no long speech about how it is time to change Nigeria. Just collect your certificate and be going with your wahala.

This set of corpers are surely doing juju. There’s no other way to explain it.

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

The NYSC Passing Out Parade (POP) is one of the most important things every corps member looks forward to. To put simply, it is graduation after 12 months of gruesome labour. How does it feel to finally have your freedom? This post tells it all.

1. The joy of knowing that you don’t have to wear your NYSC khaki again

It’s now time to unleash the inner slay that NYSC khaki has kept hidden for long.

2. The relief of leaving your PPA for good

The evil you have done is enough. It’s now time for me to live my best life.

5 Corps Members Tell Us The Worst Treatment They’ve Received At Their PPA

3. You, exiting the plenty NYSC group chats

Bye bye to jati jati.

4. How you return to bed when you realise you don’t have CDS

Hakuna matata, darlings!

5. But then real life begins

Life dawns on you and you start to think that maybe NYSC was a shield from reality, because now…

6. No more monthly allowee

No state government payment, no PPA salary. Shit is getting real.

So, You’ve Finished NYSC…Now What?

7. You’re now fully in the labour market

I didn’t sign up for this. I swear, I didn’t.

8. You, when your parents ask about your marriage plans

Because in the divine mathematics done by Nigerian parents, marriage comes immediately after NYSC Passing Out Parade.

9. But in the end, you just look at everything and laugh

If you can survive higher institution and NYSC, what can you not possibly deal with?

Happy Passing Out Parade!

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If you are a corps member, we would like you to please fill this form. We want to know what you like best, what stories you’d love to see, and how we can tell your story too.

Here’s the form: NYSC SURVEY

Thank you!

Corps members hardly get to share the experience they get at their PPA (Place of Primary Assignment). Given the allowance they get, a lot of people seem to think they have it all rosy. This is not always the case. 5 corpers tell us their own side of the story.

Aminat, corper in Kogi state.

My PPA is a school, and the man in charge is a Christian. I am the only Muslim. The first time I went to the school, he said I can’t be draping my scarf around my head. It’s either I tie it up or I come without it or I won’t be accepted at the school. I started tying it up. Every morning, we have to do morning devotion and he mandates that I must be present there. One day I came just came back from class and I was eating, and it was devotion time. The man just appeared from nowhere and started questioning me. “Why aren’t you at devotion? Are you trying to bring your religious difference here? We are open in this place o. It’s not as if they are cursing people there, it’s just for you to go and you say you cannot go.”

I went there, stood at the back and was pressing my phone. He still came to ask me why I was pressing my phone in the presence of God.

Mercy, corper in Abuja.

I wash plates everyday. My PPA is an insurance company and the MD eats in her office because she doesn’t want visitors in her house. When she receives visitors in the office, we serve them like they are at home. After they leave, I have to wash all the plates.

We Asked 6 Corpers How They Are Surviving During The COVID-19 Pandemic

Osuolale, corper at Ogun state.

My PPA is a federal government commission. I was posted to the Accounts Department. After getting to know the people in my department, I asked to be added to the WhatsApp group so I can receive necessary information and updates. The response I got was that they have talked about it in the department and they feel it’s not necessary to add me, and if there’s anything I need to know, I will be informed. Till date, I haven’t been added yet.

Veronica, corper in Akwa Ibom

I work in a hotel, and I hate that I have to wear white shirt on black trousers with black shoes for 24 hours. Everyday I resume 8am and close 8am the next day. No weekends, and that’s another thing I hate. Each work day, I take orders to the kitchen and serve guests when it is ready. That kind of thing can be tiring. I would rather have weekends, wear a nice office wear and a work shift that does not span the entire 24 hours.

Zulaikah, corper in Niger state

I don’t know if this counts, but let me share my PPA experience. I’m serving at a private school in Niger state. After spending weeks there, I realized the school has been established for over 15 years. In all these years, the school does not have a school anthem. Being the good girl that I am, I decided to compose one for them even though nobody asked me to. I sacrificed my sleep and composed two anthems, and the way they should be sung. You can imagine the level of hard work.

When I got to school, I showed my fellow corps members and the head teacher. They picked the one that includes the motto of the school, the colour of the uniform and all that is related to the school. Since corps members hardly get to relate with the school owner, it was the head teacher who took the poem to the school owner.

Only for the school owner to tell him that the poem is trash. Honestly, I was heartbroken. But I don’t blame her. After all, she didn’t ask for it. One thing I know for sure is that I’m never doing something like that again. Let their school continue without anthem. They will be alright.

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If you are a corps member, we would like you to please fill this form. We want to know what you like best, what stories you’d love to see, and how we can tell your story too.

Here’s the form: NYSC SURVEY

Thank you!

Thinking of how to make money during NYSC? Honestly, we can relate. We understand how the money struggles can be, especially now that things are quite tight and money finishes quickly. That’s why we collated this list of side hustles you can do to get extra coins in your NYSC year.

1. Freelancing.

There are many reasons why this is very beneficial. To begin with, as a freelancer, you are not committed to any organisation or employer per se. You simply get work assigned to you and a deadline. Once you meet your deadline, you get paid and move on. A major place to begin is Fiverr or Upwork. You can also Google freelance websites to get started.

2. Starting a catering service.

Do you know how to bake? How to make dishes? Well, there are a lot of people who need your service and all you need to do is put yourself out there. Word of mouth is one way through which people know you; you can also upload pictures of your work and get people to refer you.

3. Sewing.

This is for those who have taken time to acquire the skill before coming for NYSC. Just take your sewing machine with you and you are one step ahead.

4, Buying and selling.

There are lot of things you can buy and sell: clothes, underwear, footwear, hair, etc. All you need to do is look around and try to discover what you feel that people in that area are in need of. When you fin out, you then try to meet that need.

5. Writing / Editing.

This can also be classified under freelancing. You can write for people, edit their works and a lot of other things. It fetches you money.

6. Graphic designing.

This one also requires you to know something in the area. Nobody wants to give work to an amateur. Have a mastery of the work, at least to a certain level.

7. Hairdressing/Barbing.

This one is self-explanatory. It is how a lot of people make money during NYSC.

8. Private lesson.

You can offer to teach students privately. You get paid per hour or per whatever way you choose to charge.

9. Part-time teacher.

A lot of schools need a teacher to chip in and teach a subject for a particular period of time. You can work your timetable to suit this arrangement.

10. Agricultural business.

How to make money during NYSC? You can start a poultry business, for instance. This might be for people with background in Agriculture or something related.

11. Blogging.

Blogging is also a way to make money. It might take a bit of time for this to happen, but consistency and dedication matters.

12. Small scale business.

Can you make popcorn? Can you sell snacks? How about a data retailing business? The options are limitless. You just need to open up your mind to the possibilities.

13. Handy work.

If you can repair stuff like phones, electric appliances, faulty wiring, etc, then this is for you.

14. Bulk SMS.

Bulk SMS is another way to make money during your NYSC year. This is not my area of expertise, but a lot of people are into this service, and it fetches extra coins to keep body and soul together.

15. Viewing centres.

This one needs a bit of capital to buy generator, TV, set up a place and stuff. But if you are up to it, then you can always give it a try.

16. Dry cleaning.

This one is for people who enjoy doing laundry and can afford to take other people’s laundry off their hands. If you fix your prices well, there are high chances of a patronage and decent profits too.

Still on money matters, 10 Corpers Tell Us How They Spend Their NYSC Allowance. Their stories will open your eyes.

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

The full meaning of SAED is Skill Acquisition and Entrepreneurship Development.

It is an important part of the NYSC orientation activities. The government understands that there are a lot of unemployed youths, and that with each graduation, this number rises. Hence, the role of SAED as a means to equip youth with skills that will make them employable and also fit to employ others.

The SAED department in NYSC is made up of two divisons:

1. Skills Acquisition Division

2. Entrepreneurship and Empowerment Division

According to what is written on the NYSC page, the functions of SAED is to:

1. Sensitise young graduates in skill acquisition and entrepreneurship development so as to make them self-reliant instead of depending on the government.

2. Make corps members realise the importance of acquiring a skill.

3. Connect corps members with other people who are experts in their chosen field in order to train them.

4. Provide funding opportunities for corps members. That is, they make it easy for you to get loans. And believe me, a lot of people get loans from SAED in NYSC camp.

5. Create room for partnerships that can benefit you and the skill you have acquired. They can also link you up with companies and organisations that will move you forward. And if you are good at what you do, you might be retained/recruited by NYSC to come train other corps members.

Back in camp, I was a part of the Food Processing group. Our trainer was a corps member. Batch A, while we were in Batch C. A lot of the trainers were corps members. I hope you know that they will be paid by NYSC.

So if you have a skill before going for NYSC camp, it might be nice to talk to the people in charge of SAED. Let them know your skill and see how you might train others. Secure the bag and get your coins.

A lot of us slept during the SAED lectures and the skill acquisition classes in camp. There’s no lie here. I blame it on their method of teaching, and maybe the fact that we were almost always too stressed before SAED classes. And then again, breakfast choices were sometimes odd. How can you serve us beans and pap and expect us not to sleep in a boring class? A class that is not conducive to begin with. See ehn, NYSC needs to do better.

But I have since realised how important it is to pay attention during SAED. If you are a prospective corps member, it might be helpful to follow my advice. Who knows, SAED could be the way you’ll become the next Dangote.

List of skills in the SAED curriculum:

1. Agro-allied.

2. Automobile.

3. Cosmetology.

4. Beadmaking.

5. Make-up.

6. Food processing.

7. Cosmetology.

8. Paint making.

9. Plumbing.

10. Garment making.

11. Shoe and bag making.

There are more, I think. Also, these skills vary from state to state.

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

Please don’t fall asleep. We all know that was what you did during SAED lectures in NYSC camp. This is a list of all the things that will annoy you about SAED in NYSC camp.

1. When they blow the bugle just after breakfast and you have to go back to the parade ground.

Shebi I just finished eating pap and akara. Why must you blow this rubbish thing now?

2. Your face when they promise to teach you how to make heaven and earth in just three weeks of camp.

So you mean that at the end of this 3 weeks training, I’ll be able to sew wedding gown, make paint, biuld a shower and start my own catering business?

3. When they ask you to keep your SAED cards because you’ll need it after camp.

Card wey I don lost? Sorry oh.

4. How half the camp rushes to join the Catering group.

Because of course, there will be food.

5. You, looking at other training groups closing their classes before 12pm.

And your suffferhead trainer does not want to release you until 2pm.

6. You, preparing to sleep when it’s time for joint SAED lectures.

It’s not kuku like I will gain anything.

7. Corps members pretending to take notes so they will not be called out.

But you know it’s a lie because the teachers are not even carrying everyone along.

8. How you all listen when they talk about allowance.

This is what I came for, dears. Give it me raw.

9. Your face when someone asks questions so they can be considered serious.

Shior. Dey deceive yourself. Do what you want, they still will not give you prize for best SAED student.

10. How the woman in the SAED Association group always looks.

A bit of traditional slay and a bit of disgust because all of you are small-small children who don’t know what is going on. That’s why they created SAED to help you sha.

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

This is a small update about NYSC allowance for the month of April. It is what we have been able to find out after asking questions.

If you are a corps member, then you must have seen this on your dashboard. And it’s quite natural to be worried. We all know how things can go from 0 to 100 in this Nigeria. One minute you’re making your budget based on the assurance that you’ll be paid, the next minute you can hear that for reasons pertaining to COVID-19 and the prices of oil, there will be no allowance. This is Nigeria, anything can happen.

But from what we heard, corps members will be paid for this month of April. Here’s what the Director-General of NYSC, Brigadier-General Shuaibu Ibrahim, said in a statement released by the Director of Public Affairs, Mrs. Adenike Adeyemi.

“As we earnestly look up to the Almighty God for help, management wishes to reassure all corps members once more that allowances for the months of March and April shall be paid to everyone, without recourse to the monthly clearance exercise.

“You are all enjoined to stay calm, stay safe, observe safety precautions given from time to time by the National Centre for Disease Control (NCDC) and always stay tuned to our traditional and new media platforms.”

The Director-General of NYSC, Brigadier General Shuaib Ibrahim.

We are waiting for the NYSC April allowance, sir. Corps members need money.

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Remember that day when NYSC increased the allowance to 33k? Ah, what a glorious day. We made a list of prophecies about that money. Click here to read it: 10 Things That Will Happen Now That NYSC allowance is now 33k

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Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx