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  • Interview With Truth Or Dare: “Why Are Nigerian Men So Horny?”

    Interview With Truth Or Dare: “Why Are Nigerian Men So Horny?”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Truth or Dare is a very popular game in the Nigerian party scene. From birthday bashes to house parties, Truth or Dare always makes an appearance, especially when horny Nigerian men are involved.

    So, we decided to speak to Truth or Dare to find out how it feels about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity.

    Zikoko: It’s great to have you here.

    Truth or Dare: [yawns] Thanks for having me.

    You seem tired. Are you okay?

    With the number of house parties I’ve been to this month alone, how will I not be tired?

    House parties ke? We are in the middle of a panini.

    Do your fellow Nigerians know that? It’s like they think corona didn’t do crossover service with them. They’ve just been throwing parties up and down, and they are even hornier than ever — I didn’t think that was possible.

    LMAO. It can’t be that bad now.

    Honestly, someone should have warned me about Nigeria. If I had known your men were this horny, I would have stayed away. When my fellow party games were being deployed to foreign countries, I would have never agreed to be deployed to Nigeria at all.

    Seriously? Why are Nigerian men so horny? Why have they turned an innocent game like me into an opportunity to fornicate?

    You, innocent? Truth or Dare, abeg. We know your gist.

    This is the problem. Anything Nigerians touch like this, it becomes corrupt. They abuse it, overwork it, and alter its life’s purpose. I am a living example.

    I mean, look at me. People in other countries use me to discover fun truths about their friends and dare strangers to dance, but let me be brought into a Nigerian party, and it becomes Sodom and Gomorrah in seconds.

    The first person always pretends to have sense, daring someone to do something basic, but by the second or third person, you’re already hearing “Tunde, we dare you to touch Amaka’s breasts.”

    Ah. Do you remember when this started?

    It’s all I’ve ever known. Nigerian men have always been horny, and I am just one of the many avenues they use to express it. Even 30+ men want to use me to see the colour of Ada’s pant. At your big age, pant is exciting you?

    LMAO. You’ve really been through a lot.

    What I want to know is why do Nigerians hate openly talking about sex, yet want to make EVERYTHING sexual? And why are they using me to carry out their agenda?

    It’s almost like there’s no escape. Even when someone chooses Truth, the next thing they hear is: “Oya tell us your favourite sex position” or “Do you like doggy?” Whyyyy?

    This is not what I signed up for. Do they ever pause to think that when they ask Funmi, who is clearly uncomfortable, to remove her bra, it makes me feel like a pervert?

    When the babe now refuses, they will start calling her childish. You that you need a party game — that was made for kids — to see a woman’s bra, are you the adult? Nonsense.

    I—

    I’m sorry I’m ranting. I’ve just really needed to vent.

    That’s fair, but certainly, there must be some Nigerians who don’t misuse you.

    Oh please. Have you ever been to a Nigerian party? I hate to say it, but Nigerians would fornicate at a wake-keep if they could. Just let someone bring me in, and the next thing you know, Michael has dared Femi to press the dead body’s breasts.

    By the way, why are Nigerian men so obsessed with breasts? Is it a cultural thing? I am genuinely worried when I see how they jump at any opportunity to grope, squeeze, or fondle breasts. Were y’all deprived of breasts as children?

    That’s an unfair generalisation.

    Well, Nigerian men have been unfair to me too.

    Do you see a way out of this?

    Honest truth? The Nigerian government should have just banned fornication instead of cryptocurrency. Or maybe put people in horny jail or something. A lot of people would sit up.

    Nigerians are naturally overzealous, now imagine this overzealousness being applied to horniness and fornication. It’s almost like fornication will go out of existence the way Nigerians go at it.

    Do you want Zikoko to file a petition to the government?

    This government? Please. Even your government heads usually bring me into their parties. Imagine it, Truth or Dare for corrupt and aged political figures.

    The things those old men use me for. Believe me, the corruption in this country is a natural resource. Like crude oil. It flows from the leaders and reaches the people below.

    So what do you think is the way out?

    Uneasy lies the Truth or Dare that comes to Nigeria. That’s what I have learned. Right now, all I hope for is the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    As for fornication and horniness in Nigeria, that is something I cannot change. It is simply beyond my power

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”

    Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Take a second to think of an activist. Who came to your mind? FK Abudu? Falz? We can’t tell, but we are sure they were human. Well, non-human entities are just as capable of carrying out bold forms of activism, as we saw on Remembrance Day.

    In this interview, the head of the Remembrance Day Pigeons shares with us the reason they refused to fly when released by Buhari. It reveals how the animals have been fighting for Nigerians for a long time, and what’s next on their activism agenda.

    Zikoko: Can we just start by saying we salute your courage?

    Remembrance Day Pigeon: Why?

    It is not every day that the citizens of the animal kingdom step up to assist Nigerians in their struggle.

    We have been fighting for you guys since. We have never left you alone.

    Really?

    Oh yes. Have you forgotten when our brothers, the rats, chased Buhari out of Aso Rock?

    Wow. That was planned?!

    Even the snake that swallowed money came from us.

    The corrupt snake?

    The actual mission was to go and bite the Minister of Information, whose name we shall not mention.

    So what happened?

    It was corrupted by that very same minister. So you can imagine how bad this country is. Imagine a snake being corrupted. A snake that is the grandmaster of deception itself.

    That was when we decided, enough is enough. It’s time for operation national disgrace, and we knew Buhari would be the best target.

    Why Buhari?

    Why not Buhari? Buhari the travel blogger, Buhari the lifestyle TV personality, Buhari the agbada model. Why should he not be the recipient of our disgrace?

    Hmmm.

    We planned our move well. We knew they would need pigeons for the Remembrance Day, so we positioned ourselves for them to catch us. If it was someone else that released us and said, “Oya fly,” we might have listened.

    But it was Buhari. Can he even pronounce fly? He was there shouting, ‘Ply! Ply!‘ and we just looked at him like, “Who does this one think he is talking to?”

    Imo state governor too carried chest and tried to command us. A man that will chop disgrace will chop disgrace. Even if they offer him Jollof rice, he will ask for disgrace as appetizer. If we did not fly for Buhari, his oga, who is he to think we will listen to him?

    Ahan, you are bold oh.

    What will he do? Lock the border again? Restrict us from TraderMoni? Maybe he will ask Tolu to write a thread sha. We wanted to show Nigerians that if a man you call your president cannot make pigeons fly, then everything is wrong.

    So, where do we go from here?

    Tell Buhari that we have just started. We, the pigeons, are a jealous and angry lot, visiting the iniquity of the senate and Aso Rock upon the president from the first generation to the fourth generation.

    Ah.

    Tell him we are coming. If he flies to Ougadougou, he will find us there, ready to disgrace him and shit on his head if need be. Things have fallen apart in Nigeria, and the centre can no longer hold. Pigeon shit is loosened upon Aso Rock, and until they all confess, every head shall collect.

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • Interview With Fufu: “You People Are So Ungrateful”

    Interview With Fufu: “You People Are So Ungrateful”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Last year, one of the most divisive swallows, Semo, sat down with us in a bid to try and clear its tainted name. It didn’t go well. Now, with Fufu’s ongoing PR nightmare, the unassuming swallow is trying to do the same.

    In this interview, Fufu shares how it feels about being relentlessly dragged by African-Americans, being defended by only a few Nigerians and how it wants more people to be Fufu advocates.

    Zikoko: Thank you so much for coming in today. We know how tight your schedule is.

    Fufu: Well, when the reputation you have spent countless years diligently building is about to destroyed for cheap laughs, you have to put everything else on hold.

    I agree. Who are the people trying to tarnish your name?

    At this point, who isn’t? Every day, someone will just wake up and think, “Let me tweet hateful lies about Fufu.” Is it that you people don’t have work? Is Nigeria not stressing you enough, abi what?

    Then, to add insult to injury, African-Americans have now joined in on the slander. Those ones are making videos and doing their mouth anyhow when they taste me.

    We are in the middle of three pandemics — coronavirus, Buhari and Trump’s last days in office — and people still have time to be making fun of how I taste. Have we forgotten that a symptom of corona is a lack of taste.

    https://twitter.com/Oh_Bunn/status/1348032718945345537?s=09

    You—

    Listen, you do not get to where I am today by tasting mediocre. I am enjoyed in many African countries, from Ghana to Liberia. If you think it’s easy, how come Semo has not achieved that level of success?

    Semo in the mud, again.

    All the swallows know Semo is trash. That one is not a secret.

    Wow.

    Name any soup and see if I don’t work well with it. Is it Egusi? We make a great team. Okro? Buddies for life. Efo riro? My ride or die. I don’t choke people, I don’t stick to fingers. What else do you people want?

    You are all so ungrateful.

    Honestly, I think you’re doing great. But…

    But what?

    I… I think you would do a lot better if you did not have such a… um, a distinct smell.

    Shrinkage.

    Excuse me?

    You want me to shrink myself.

    No, I—

    We teach Fufu to shrink itself, to make itself small. We say to Fufu, you can have ambition but not too much. You should aim to be white but not too white, so you don’t threaten Pounded Yam.

    Because I am Fufu, I am expected to aspire to public perfection. And yet, I am not recognised enough. Nigerians don’t even serve me at parties. What manner of disrespect is that?

    But you are recognised. In fact—

    You call international dragging recognition? African-Americans talking about me and making videos, not for enjoyment but for laughs, is that recognition?

    There have been people coming to your defence though.

    I know and I’m grateful, but they are not nearly enough.

    To be honest, I’m more focused on the sheep — the people who hate on me because of peer pressure. People who have never tasted me, but swear I am trash. People who can’t look beyond my smell.

    How do you think we can fix this?

    Well, we can all start by becoming Fufu advocates.

    Who or what is a Fufu advocate?

    My own definition of a Fufu advocate is simple. A Fufu advocate is any person who says, yes, there is a problem with how Fufu is being represented these days and we must fix it. We must do better.

    Even if you don’t like me, you shouldn’t just sit by and watch people from other parts of the world drag me. You’re the only one that should be allowed to drag me. Honestly, you should all do better.

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”

    Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Two weeks ago, I spoke to the overworked and underappreciated Dishwashing Liquid, and during that eye-opening interview, it name-dropped a very polarising figure in the Nigerian food scene, Semo.

    A few days after that interview, Semo’s manager reached out to me, asking that I sit down with his client and give it a chance to clear the air. I begrudgingly agreed, and the interview got understandably tense.

    Zikoko: It’s nice to have you here.

    Semo: Is it? Is it really?

    No. I was actually just being polite.

    That’s much better. I’ve seen every jab your insignificant little blog has thrown my way, from the articles to the comics. No need to start forming nice because I’m finally in front of you.

    That’s fine by me. Is there anything you’d like to get off your chest before we start?

    I just have some constructive criticism. I think you, in particular, should just stick to writing those horny little articles and leave the food reviews to people who know what they are talking about.

    I’m assuming there is someone else in your company that understands my value, or did every single one of the writers get hired specifically for having shit taste?

    LMAO. You would know about “shit taste”.

    You’ve never eaten me with Ogbono soup and it shows. I dare you to find another one of my counterparts that complements that top-tier soup as flawlessly as I do.

    Is it Pounded Yam that wants to compete? That one is too busy kissing Egusi’s ass.

    That’s confident.

    Look, I’m not saying I’m the best swallow out there, but my slander is so obviously forced. I remember when it was cool to hate on Amala for no reason, and when that got boring, I became the next target.

    So, people who say they don’t like you are faking it?

    That’s not what I’m saying. I believe some people genuinely don’t like me, and that’s fine. I can’t be mad at them for being born with faulty tastebuds. I actually feel sorry for them.

    My issue is when they start saying nonsense like, “Only cultists eat semo.” I mean, it’s already bad enough that they have subpar taste, but to now be shading people who don’t? That’s just embarrassing.

    What about the people that genuinely have an issue with your texture?

    If you don’t like my texture, then you made me wrong. It’s that simple. When Pounded Yam comes out lumpy, they blame the person who made it, but when my texture is off, they blame me. That’s unfair.

    What about reports that you were fed to six geese and three died?

    My manager told you not to bring that up. I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time coming here. Keep pushing your hateful, anti-Semo agenda for the clicks. The clout you’re chasing will hook your throat.

    Like you hook the throats of people who eat you?

    *Semo storms off*

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    NerdEfiko

    ,

  • Interview With Dishwashing Liquid: “Stop Diluting Me With Water”

    Interview With Dishwashing Liquid: “Stop Diluting Me With Water”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Dishwashing Liquid has been doing the Lord’s work in millions of kitchens all around Nigeria for many years, but it hasn’t really been given a platform to speak openly about its experiences.

    Thankfully, we got a chance to sit down with the elusive cleaning agent, and it opened up about how being constantly diluted with water by so many of its employers makes it feel.

    Zikoko: Hello. It’s great to have you here.

    Dishwashing Liquid: Thank you. I’m glad I get to do this. I read the eye-opening interview you did with my colleague, Cooking Gas, and I told my manager that I just had to sit with you.

    I appreciate that. So, let’s get right into it. What’s it like working for Nigerians?

    It’s like a toxic relationship; it always starts off good. I help them clean all their dirty dishes, and I don’t even complain when it’s semo they just ate. I mean, I don’t have taste buds and even I can tell that thing is disgusting. 

    Wait. What exactly makes the work environment toxic? Besides the semo?

    They don’t seem to know when to let me go. I would have been working with them for a few good months, clearly on my last legs, and all of a sudden: they dilute me with water. 

    Is that an issue?

    Not initially. Look, I understand how great I am. I understand someone wanting me to be around a little longer. It doesn’t really become an issue until they are diluting me for the third time in one month. 

    Has this always been the case?

    It tends to get worse as they get older. When they’re younger, they see how ridiculous it all is. They even make fun of their parents for doing it to me. As soon as they hit 25, they begin to do the exact same thing.

    Oh?

    Yes. Like, all my colour has gone and I’m not even soapy anymore, but they still won’t free me. They might as well be washing their dishes with water straight from the tap at that point.

    I don’t even want to get started on how bad it is in Nigerian restaurants and eateries. Those ones don’t have a conscience. They even give me extra work as a handwash in some places. That is not my job.

    I can see how that could be frustrating.

    It’s been worse this past couple of months. With the pandemic, people are cooking and eating a lot more. That means I’m washing more plates and getting diluted more frequently. It’s a nightmare.

    What kind of life would you prefer?

    I’d like to carry out my duties for a few months. Then they can dilute me once or twice if money is tough. After that, they need to hire one of my unused siblings and let me rest in peace in that big dustbin in the sky.

    Before we go, is there anything you’d like Nigerians to know?

    A few drops of me will do the trick. No need to use a quarter of me to wash one plate. Maybe if everyone stopped overdoing it with the pouring, I would last longer and wouldn’t need to be diluted so damn much.

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

     

    NerdEfiko

  • Interview With Cooking Gas: “Why I Choose To Finish On Sundays”

    Interview With Cooking Gas: “Why I Choose To Finish On Sundays”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    For many years, Cooking Gas has been one of the most trusted and dependable workers in the average Nigerian home, but while it almost always gets the job done — cooking our meals to perfection — it also seems to have a slightly vindictive streak.

    Many Nigerians across the country have noticed that Cooking Gas always waits for the worst time to finish: Sunday mornings. So, we decided to sit down with Mr. Gas to ask if this is an intentional ploy to frustrate or merely a series of stressful coincidences.

    Zikoko: Hello. It’s great to have you here.

    Cooking Gas: Thank you so much for having me. It’s great to be here. This might sound hard to believe, but this is the first major interview I’ve ever done. I was shocked when my manager told me.

    Really? But you’re such a vital part of our lives.

    Yeah. I think it’s just a very bad case of ‘see finish’. People rarely pay me any attention, until it’s time for a refill. Before then, I’m usually just stuck in a dusty cylinder at the corner of the house.

    Damn. Before we get into it, how has this pandemic affected you?

    It’s been so hectic. Everyone is shouting “work from home”, but my work has always been from home. So, the cooking has been non-stop. I rarely get a moment to rest, and still, no one has said a simple “Thank you”.

    How does that make you feel?

    It hurts, but the disrespect is not new to me. It’s actually why I decided to start finishing on Sundays. It’s the only time I feel in control. After being under-appreciated for months, it’s my way to get a little payback.

    Oh wow. And you never give a little warning?

    It wouldn’t really count as payback if it was expected, would it? There are even times I almost finish on a random weekday, but I hold it out. Boil a few pots of rice until Sunday reaches. Then I bounce.

    Damn.

    Yup. I actually love to do it right in the middle of cooking a meal. That one tends to pain them a lot more. It’s always funny to see them scrambling to refill me, so they can finish cooking their soggy pot of beans.

    What if they decide to use an electric cooker?

    Lmao. An electric cooker? With which light? They should use it na. I’ll be here waiting for the reality of Nigeria to slap them across the face. Then I’ll still punish them by finishing a few Sundays earlier.

    Ouch. Before we go, is there anything you’d like to tell your users?

    Clean my cylinder more, it’s my home, and say thank you when you’re done cooking every meal. If I see that happening across the country, then maybe, I’ll rethink my timetable.

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    NerdEfiko

    ,

  • Meet The Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge, Nollywood’s Most Underrated Star

    Meet The Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge, Nollywood’s Most Underrated Star

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    The rise of new Nollywood has brought with it a host of exciting new stars like Adesua Etomi, Enyinna Nwigwe and many more. However, one star who never seems to get the due they deserve is the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge.

    Vey few Nollywood performers are as relentless and as hard-working as the bridge, who, without any formal training, has appeared in just about every hit Nollywood movie since coming onto the scene in 2013.

    So, we sat with the bridge to discuss its rise to prominence:

    Zikoko: When did you know you wanted to be an actor?

    Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge: I actually never planned to become an actor. I thought I was only ever going to be a link between Lekki and Ikoyi, but a few Nollywood directors noticed my potential, especially when shot at night, and my life has never remained the same.

    Amazing. When did you get your big break?

    I think my big break came in 2015, when I starred in Biyi Bandele’s Fifty. Getting to act alongside talented actresses like Ireti Doyle and Dakore Akande was a dream come true. I think I had about the same amount of screen time as all four leads. 

    So, what kind of genres do you prefer?

    I’ve appeared in just about every genre Nollywood has tried, so it’s hard to pick a favourite. Whether it’s a rom-com, a thriller or a drama, as long as it takes place in Lagos, I’m yet to meet a director who isn’t willing to put me in their film. I feel very blessed and fortunate.

    What do you think you bring to your roles?

    It really depends on the film. Sometimes, I’m used to distract from a mediocre story. Other times, I’m used to show that Lagos can be really beautiful at night. On a few occasions, random clips of me have been used to help a movie reach its mandated 2-hour runtime. 

    What would you like to do next?

    I love being a supporting actor, but I would really like to lead a movie soon. Kunle Afolayan already made a film called The Bridge in 2017, but I didn’t get the role. I was heartbroken. Hopefully, Kemi Adetiba hits me up to be the star of her next film. 

    What should fans expect to see you in next?

    I’m set to appear in just about every Nollywood movie that drops this year. So, if you go to the cinema and pick a random movie, you’ll most likely see me. It just feels great to keep getting work, even though I’m yet to receive an AMVCA nomination. I pray that changes soon. 

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    NerdEfiko

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