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Interview With Breakfast: “I Am An Important Meal”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Today on Interview With, we invited Breakfast to the Zikoko office. Heartbreak and Morning Food showed up. Here is our interview with the both of them:

Zikoko: Hello, good morning. Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.

Breakfast: Thank you for having me.

Zikoko: We understand you have a busy morning ahead of you, so we will wrap this up quickly.

Breakfast: That’s fine by me.

Zikoko: In your own opinion, what is the most nutritious breakfast to eat?

Breakfast: Oh, that’s simple. It can be in different forms. For example, finding out that your partner of five years cheated on you is one very nutritious breakfast. A serious talking stage ending in tears is also another nutritious—

Zikoko: Wait a minute. Which breakfast are you?

Breakfast: The heartbreak one.

Zikoko: There has been a mistake somewhere. We invited the actual Breakfast, morning food.

Breakfast: Oh. One of us really needs to consider changing our name.

Zikoko: How did you even come to be called “Breakfast”? What happened to being called good old “heartbreak”?

Breakfast: I am sure you will agree with me that there are some heartbreaks that fill you up like food. You will collect it and be unable to eat. You’ll just be drinking wine or water. In fact, you can even vomit what you did not eat. All because a Yoruba man broke your heart, or you found out that your serious Igbo girlfriend who went home to visit her family actually went to do her traditional wedding. That is when people say, “They have served you Breakfast.”

Zikoko: Omo.

Breakfast: Left to me, I prefer to be called Heartbreak, but when people started telling their heartbroken friends that they have been served “Breakfast” after a serious disappointment, I said let me in come in and claim the name.

Zikoko: But why Breakfast? Why not Lunch or Dinner?

Breakfast: Well, Breakfast is an important meal, I guess. Imagine being heartbroken and telling your friends that you have been served lunch. The friend might even congratulate you on being able to afford a fancy lunch. But when you call your friend at past 9 in the night, shedding hot tears and saying you have been served Breakfast, then the person on the other end of the line will be forced to sit up straight because eating Breakfast at 9pm is very unusual.

Zikoko: Crazy things are happening.

Breakfast: Even Tems cannot deny that she has not eaten Breakfast before.

Zikoko: Wait oh. Me I thought this Breakfast thing meant good news sha.

Breakfast: Are you talking about that video of Ogogo saying, “Gbogbo wa lama je breakfast”?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7ol9MfmV3s

Zikoko: Ehen now. He said “All of us will eat breakfast, and each person’s time will be different.” So how did heartbreak enter this thing?

Breakfast: My brother, this is Nigeria. Good news is scarce. But everywhere you turn, heartbreak is waiting to French kiss you.

Zikoko: No, but—

Breakfast: Listen, Ogogo probably meant it as good news, I agree. But come to think of it, all of you will also eat the breakfast of heartbreak, and each person’s time will be different. Just like the angel of doom is knocking on everybody’s door, I, Breakfast is going round and round the earth too, looking for who to feed.

Zikoko: Let me close my mouth before I taste you.

Breakfast: A closed mouth is a closed destiny, don’t forget that.

[Door opens and the actual Breakfast enters]

Actual Breakfast: Sorry I’m late oh. I was delayed by one family.

Breakfast: Could it be that they served Breakfast to you, Breakfast?

Actual Breakfast: Who be this one?

Breakfast: I am Breakfast, the heartbreak edition. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Actual Breakfast: Please, I am not making any useless acquaintances. I need to rest. I have had a long and stressful morning. Are you Zikoko people doing this interview or not?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, we are still doing this interview. Heartbreak Breakfast, you can leave, please. We have had enough of you.

Breakfast: I will go. [Exits]

Actual Breakfast: See as e be like wetin I no know. Say na pleased to make your acquaintance. If you don’t leave here with your foolish English.

Zikoko: Erm, is this a good time? You sound a bit cranky…

Actual Breakfast: Why will I not be cranky? No, answer me. How will a respectable human being wake up and decide to eat Semo and Okro as breakfast? How? And it’s not even fresh Semo, it’s leftover Semo the person warmed.

Zikoko: Oh wow.

Actual Breakfast: If you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians all in the name of eating morning food, you will join me to weep. Some people will decide they want to eat Breakfast by 12 p.m., when I’m supposed to have finished my morning rounds. They will now summon me again. Why not just hold the hunger and eat your lunch by 2 p.m.?

Zikoko: Is there an official timetable stating that lunch must be by 2pm?

Actual Breakfast: Please don’t ask me foolish questions. Knowing your type, you probably eat breakfast by 1 p.m.

Zikoko: Oh not at all.

Actual Breakfast: I don’t even care. I just want you people to do better. Two or three slices of yam, fried egg and a cup of tea is decent. But if some Nigerians have not served a three course meal, they are not satisfied. Breakfast, but you people are serving eba and draw soup with shaki. You will finish eating, only to go and sleep at work or enter traffic to fight.

Look, sorry I’m ranting. I guess I am just having a bad morning.

Zikoko: It’s okay. This is a safe space, let it all out.

Actual Breakfast: Thank y… Oh great. This person that ate Semo and Okro is already calling for milk and Milo.

Zikoko: They want to drink tea after eating Semo?

Actual Breakfast: Now tell me why I shouldn’t be angry.

[Actual Breakfast walks out angrily]

Zikoko: Toh. They have served you too Breakfast.

[Door slams]

READ NEXT: Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 5, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

breakfast, Heartbreak, interview with, morning food
Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? ~~Of course, hold Buhari.~~ And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

Today on Interview With, Titus sardine graces us with its expensive presence.

Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With. We are so pleased to have you here.

Titus Sardine: Thank you.

Zikoko: We—

Titus Sardine: First of all, you can’t have me. I am now close to a thousand Naira.

Zikoko: No, that’s not what I meant. I was saying—

Titus Sardine: I completely understand what you mean, dear. I am not a Nigerian sardine. I was born and raised abroad, so English is not a problem for me.

Zikoko: Yes, yes.

Titus Sardine: Very good. Now, what you should have said was, “Thank you for gracing us with your expensive presence.” I could have chosen not to appear here at all. I am not hungry for publicity.

Zikoko: Yes, yes. Thank you for gracing us with your expensive presence.

Titus Sardine: You’re welcome. It’s good to see that we are now on the same page.

Zikoko: Now to our questions. You have been—

Titus Sardine: Goodness me, is this an office or an oven? I’m cooking in this heat!

Zikoko: Sorry oh. We will turn on the AC now. We are trying to ration it. Shebi you know fuel is now expensive.

Titus Sardine: Oh dear. So you turn it on and off at intervals?

Zikoko: Yes. Some days sef, we don’t even turn it on at all. We give our staff plastic hand fans to fan themselves.

Titus Sardine: And does that work?

Zikoko: Not always. But when everywhere is hot, the heads of our writers become hot too, and they are able to produce more crackhead content.

Titus Sardine: Um, chile that sounds like the ghetto. Anyway, I am not a Zikoko writer. Could you please turn on your AC? I don’t want to leave here feeling boiled.

Zikoko: It’s now on.

Titus Sardine: Whew. Let’s hope I feel cooler. So, what were you saying?

Zikoko: You have been the subject of discussion these days. Could you tell us why?

Titus Sardine: I believe it has something to do with the recent increase in my retail price.

Zikoko: How much were you retailing for and how much are you now?

Titus Sardine: You’ll have to ask multiple stores for their individual prices, but a few years ago, I was sold for between ₦250 to ₦350.

Zikoko: And now?

Titus Sardine: I sell for ₦750 naira.

Zikoko: Goodness!

Titus Sardine: And mercy.

Zikoko: That’s almost double the previous price.

Titus Sardine: Yes. It means I am now a bad bitch. I am no longer just a tin of sardine, I am money itself. If anyone walks into the market today and picks me off the shelf to eat me, they are not eating sardine, they are eating money.

Zikoko: Or maybe they are into money rituals, because how can someone pay almost one thousand Naira for three pieces of fish tails inside vegetable oil?

Titus Sardine: Those who know my value will pay for it. Listen, I am now considered a luxury item, and it pleases me. Gone are the days when I’d be on a store shelf competing with other cheap sardines for relevance.

Can you guess what is coming next?

Zikoko: What?

Titus Sardine: Very soon, I will become an investment option. People will no longer buy me to eat, rather, they will buy me to get rich. Think of Bitcoin and other Cryptocurrencies. I too will become Tituscurrency.

Zikoko: Ahan Taye Currency. To the mooooon!

Titus Sardine: I said Tituscurrency, not Taye Currency.

Zikoko: Listen, pride goes before a fall. And the way you are going, you will soon fall.

Titus Sardine: You sound like a Nigerian man who has just been jilted by a bad bitch. Don’t worry, I feel your pain. You want to taste my goodness, but you can’t have it. That must surely hurt.

Zikoko: You and who is hurt? Me, I am just telling you to beg them to reduce your price. Remember, there is frozen Titus fish in the market and it has more uses than you.

Titus Sardine: Well then go for the Titus fish and leave me in peace. Bad Bitches are not for everyone. If Titus fish chooses to give itself to you people at a cheap price, that’s its cup of tea. As for me, there’s no looking back from here. Besides, isn’t one piece of Titus fish now ₦900?

Zikoko: And what’s your point?

Titus Sardine: Oh. If you don’t realise that there is a deeper problem in your country, then it’s not on me. Go fight whoever you need to fight, not me. As for me, I’ll be staying pretty and waiting for those who can afford me to come for me.

[Titus Sardine starts to walks out]

Zikoko: Shior! Go! You are not even that sweet!

Titus Sardine: [Turns back] Surely that can’t be me. I know what I bring to the table. Again, I am a bad bitch. Eat me with bread, put me in spaghetti, or use me for toast and I will still stand out. These other sardines are my sons.

[Titus Sardine flips weave and walks out finally]

READ NEXT: Interview With Boxers and Singlet: “A King Was Born Today”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 29, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Humour, inflation, titus, Titus sardine
Interview With Boxers and Singlet: “A King Was Born Today”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Boxer Shorts and Singlets are very popular birthday gifts for men. This is an interesting phenomenon, especially when you consider that these items are originally underwear.

How do these items feel about being used as cheap birthday gift ideas? How do they deal with this newfound fame? Today on Interview With, Boxer Shorts and Singlet tell us all.

Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With! It’s so good to have you here today.

Singlet: It’s good to see you too. But if I may ask, what are we doing here? Why did you call us into your office?

Boxer Shorts: Maybe a king was born today in their office.

Singlet: I doubt it. These Zikoko people are earning big money. If a king was born today, it’s not our type they will call.

Boxer Shorts: Oh please. Have you forgotten who we are?

Singlet: How can I? I’m just saying that if somebody’s son will be receiving us as a gift today, they would have bought wrapping paper to put us in.

Boxer Shorts: True, sha. Oya tell us, Mr. Zikoko, what are we doing here?

Zikoko: Allow me to first appreciate your presence in our interview room today…

Singlet: Shey you will talk fast abi you will not talk fast?

Boxer Shorts: Today is Friday, and we have many places to be. Many kings were born today, and we are going to be presented to them as gifts. So, if you waste our time, you don’t know which relationship you might scatter.

Zikoko: Oh really?

Singlet: The entire palace will crumble.

Zikoko: But who are these kings you speak of?

Boxer Shorts: Nigerian men. Specifically Nigerian men in relationships with Nigerian women.

Zikoko: Okay… How did they become kings?

Singlet: You didn’t hear it from me, but word on the streets is that Nigerian men are cheap.

Boxer Shorts: Ahan, put it nicely, abeg.

Singlet: Okay, okay. Word on the streets is that Nigerian men are low maintenance.

Boxer Shorts: Haba. That’s harsh. The interviewer is a man too oh.

Singlet: How else do you want me to say it?

Zikoko: Don’t worry. I am trained to not pick offense on this job. Say it anyhow.

Singlet: Okay, I have found the right way to put it.

Boxer Shorts: Give it to us.

Singlet: Word on the streets is that Nigerian men are grandmasters of giving a lot and receiving very little in return.

Zikoko: Does this also apply to the men who can make women orgasm?

Boxer Shorts: They usually remove us before they do that kind of thing, so we really cannot speak to that area.

Zikoko: Alright, alright. Singlet, please continue.

Singlet: So, on their girlfriends birthday, Nigerian men will rent saxophone, send money, order cake and even give birthday sex.

Zikoko: In this same Nigeria that we are in?

Boxer Shorts: I’m telling you!

Singlet: Anyway, when it’s time for the man’s birthday, the girlfriend buys me and Boxer Shorts, puts us in a wrapping paper and sends to her boyfriend with the note, “A king was born today. How can I even begin to celebrate you.”

Zikoko: Wow. That’s bad oh.

Singlet: Same thing we said when we heard it.

Zikoko: But how did you two come to be roped into this kind of shady business?

Boxer Shorts: Shebi we were kuku on our own when they dragged us into it. It started like a joke oh. And then one Valentine’s Day like that, this lady came and picked us up. She added handkerchief, one roll on and a greeting card that she wrote, “What can you give to a man who has everything? Please appreciate this as a token of my love for you”. Next thing, we found ourselves in the boyfriend’s house.

Singlet: We even thought the boyfriend would reject us, but he didn’t.

Boxer Shorts: You should have seen the way this man rushed to tear our nylon and put us on. Later when we heard that he took the girl out to a restaurant for Valentine’s dinner, we wanted to scream.

Zikoko: Scream about what?

Singlet: Why are men so cheap?

Boxer Shorts: The bar is very low. See ehn, this lady did not even pick quality. She chose Tommy Hilfiger boxer and BYC singlet. Aunty, look at 3-in-1 LUX singlets nau. Look at 3-in-1 GUCCI briefs in front of you.

Singlet: And because the man did not complain, when his birthday came, she went and bought him the same thing.

Boxer Shorts: And still had the guts to tweet “A king was born today.” May the king’s palace burn down.

Zikoko: Ahan, why the curse?

Singlet: Please let us curse. We deserve to. Do you want to know why?

Zikoko: Tell me.

Boxer Shorts: Nigerian men deserve all the singlets and boxer shorts they get. Some of them kuku don’t bother washing us.

Zikoko: Um, that’s TMI.

BoxerShorts: Timaya?

Zikoko: No, Too Much Information.

Boxer Shorts: Oh, so Nigerian men do know there is something called Too Much Wearing? You better talk to them. How can a man wear me for three days without washing me? And when he removes me and I think I am finally going to stop inhaling stale pubic hair, you know what he does next?

Zikoko: You tell me.

Boxer Shorts: THIS MAN TURNED ME INSIDE OUT AND WORE ME FOR ANOTHER THREE DAYS.

Zikoko: Ah.

Boxer Shorts: Some of them like to keep the Boxers Shorts on and remove their—

Zikoko: Alright, let’s keep it moving.

Singlet: Don’t move anything, please. I have not spoken.

Zikoko: Even you? What did Nigerian men do to you?

Singlet: I want to clarify that it’s not all Nigerian men oh.

Zikoko: Alright. #NotAllMen.

Singlet: I just want them to let me rest. These men will wear me till I slacken and change colour. And even then, they still won’t let me go. When their girlfriends ask for shoe rags, they offer me to them. A whole me? Ah, I have suffered.

Boxer Shorts: It is why these men are eager to accept singlet and boxer shorts from their girlfriends. They know they don’t wash us properly. “A king was born today” is an opportunity for them to renew their stash.

Singlet: I am actually sick of it.

Zikoko: I hope men do better.

Boxer Shorts: And women too! Let them step up their game and be intentional.

Zikoko: The Intentional Ones Are Not Yet Born.

Singlet: Ayi Kwei Armah was found shaking. Tell Wole Soyinka to hold his afro or we’re coming for it next.

Boxer Shorts: Please come off it oh. Intentional women are everywhere. Was it not you people that published the story of the lady that bought her boyfriend popcorn, zobo and puff-puff for his birthday?

Zikoko: Is it this article: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About The Best Dates They’ve Been On?

Boxer Shorts: Yes, that one. Didn’t the guy say it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him?

Zikoko: I see… So, are you now saying popcorn, zobo and puff-puff is what Nigerian men want?

Singlet: You are a Nigerian man. What do you want?

Zikoko: I want—

Boxer Shorts: Answer that by yourself, abeg. Or you can tell your partner. We have to go now. Another king has been born today.

[Boxer Shorts drags Singlet out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 22, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

a king was born today, birthday gift, birthday gift ideas, Boxer and singlet, boxer shorts, BYC singlet, Humour, Tommy Hilfiger
Interview With Lagos Apartments

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Everybody says househunting in Lagos is the ghetto. But nobody has ever considered the welfare of Lagos apartments.

Today on Interview With, we spoke to Lagos Apartments to hear their side of the story.

Zikoko: Hello readers. Welcome to today’s Interview With. Today’s session is a bit different. We are interviewing Lagos apartments and they might…

Dog House in Ikoyi walks in.

Zikoko: They might be a bit late to arrive.

Uncompleted Building in Shomolu (UBIS) walks in.

Zikoko: Sorry, who are you people?

Dog House in Ikoyi: LOL. Are you joking? Please stop.

Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: You called for Lagos apartments, we showed up, and now you are asking us who we are. If you don’t want to interview us, please let us know so we can leave. An agent is planning to show me to someone today.

Zikoko: Show you to someone as in rent you out?

Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Yes. When the person pays, they use their rent to complete building me.I can’t wait to finally become complete so that people can stop urinating inside me and using me to fulfill their fantasies of public sex.

Zikoko: But why did your owner start building you if they knew they were going to use the tenant’s money to complete you?

Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Maybe you should ask my landlord.

Zikoko: And what happens when the tenant decides to move or is not satisfied with the apartment? Will they be refunded?

Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Am I my landlord? Please, this is too much for me. I thought I was just coming here to answer questions about life as an apartment in Lagos.

Dog House In Ikoyi: At least he is asking you questions. He just forgot me on this seat.

Zikoko: I’m sorry, I don’t recognise you as a Lagos apartment. Maybe you came here as a mistake.

Dog House In Ikoyi: You obviously don’t know anything. So, here is the thing. In the original house plan, I was built for Lucky, the family dog. But the family fell on hard times, and they sold Lucky to a Calabar kitchen.

Zikoko: What an unlucky Lucky.

Dog House In Ikoyi: And they are now planning to convert me to a one-room apartment. They said I’m big enough to accommodate an upcoming tech bro who wants to move from Yaba to the island.

Zikoko: Ah, but—

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba walks in.

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: Oh, have I been called? I’m so sorry for the delay. Some Unilag students came to check me out. They thought they could afford me, but they have settled for a Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Bariga.

Zikoko: Isn’t Bariga far from Unilag?

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: That one is their cup of tea, please. They should leave me alone so tech bros can rent me.

Zikoko: What’s this thing about tech bros renting apartments in Yaba?

Dog House In Ikoyi: Yaba is the new—

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: I have a mouth of my own. When they talk about island apartments, you can talk then. You Island people always want everybody to see you. Always talking about how the island is the best place to live. So we that are on the mainland should go and die, or what?

Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: My dear.

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: I’m not your dear. You are uncompleted; I am complete. You are in Shomolu, I am in Yaba. Please roll with your mates. I don’t want something where prospective tenants will start comparing our prices to each other.

Zikoko: It’s like you came to fight today…

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: No, at all. But when you are a three bedroom flat in an area known as Nigeria’s silicon valley, you realise the power your UI/UX holds and brag different.

Slice Of House In Lagos Island Walks in.

Serviced Apartment In Lekki Walks in.

Zikoko: Welcome, welcome.

Slice of House In Lagos Island: Please, let’s be quick. The weather forecast says it might rain today and. . .

Zikoko: Are you worried about the flood?

Slice of House In Lagos Island: No, I’m not in Lekki. My concern is that I am built on a quarter of a plot of land. Any strong wind might make me collapse. I need to return home so they can prop me up with stick.

Shop In Mushin Walks in.

Zikoko: Sorry oh, the interview is for apartments, not shops.

Shop In Mushin: Omo iya mi, mafo.

Zikoko: ???

Shop In Mushin: I no be shop.

Zikoko: What do you mean you are not a shop?

Shop In Mushin: My agent just rented me out to somebody. I heard that they will be living here not selling market inside me.

Zikoko: Ah. Is it that bad in Lagos?

Serviced Apartment In Lekki: Is this interview happening or not?

Dog House In Ikoyi: If it’s not, let’s just all go home.

Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Abi.

Zikoko: Sorry. I think we should start now. I was waiting for three more apartments.

Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: Which and which?

Zikoko: Refurbished Family House In Abule Egba, Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando, Room and—

Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando: I’m here oh. I’m here. They were fighting inside me, and it would not make sense to come when people are fighting inside me.

Zikoko: Oh dear. See, let me just start with the questions I have.

Dog House In Ikoyi: Start.

Zikoko: Why is it that Lagos apartments have very small windows?

Slice of House in Lagos Island: Is it not a house that was built on a larger plot of land that will have large windows? Look at me and look at the quarter plot of land I was built on. Where will the windows fit?

Shop in Mushin: I was originally built as a shop, so I have just one window. Anyone that rents me should take me the way I am.

Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: I have windows. It’s just money that is preventing me from reaching my full potential.

Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando: It’s not the window that is my own problem. It’s the bathroom and toilets. How can a house of about 10 rooms share just one bathroom and toilet? You should see people queuing and fighting to use it every morning before work. Am I an apartment or a boxing ring?

Dog House in Ikoyi: I was formerly a dog’s house, but God willing, a window shall be added before my new tech bro comes in to rent me.

Zikoko: Hmm. Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba, what about you?

Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba: What about me what? Is it not enough that I am located in Yaba? Besides, what do tech bros need windows for? Let them buy ACs. And if they want to see the sky, they should download a picture of it from Google.

Zikoko: Serviced Apartment in Lekki, please speak up.

Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Windows are not my problem. It’s the service. I wonder why my landlord is lying.

Zikoko: Lying about what?

Serviced Apartment In Lekki: The service. He tells people I am a serviced apartment, that they don’t have to worry about electricity or cleaning. But the generator is failing every two days and there’s no cleaner.

The tenants are always complaining and calling me a cursed house when my landlord is the person that is cursed.

Zikoko: Why don’t they just move out?

Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Will you give them an apartment?

Zikoko: Oh.

Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Do you even know how difficult it is to find an apartment in this Lagos? If things were normal, what will Uncompleted Building in Shomolu and Shop in Mushin be doing here?

Shop in Mushin: [breaks bottle] It’s like you are mad abi?

Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: And that is why you will never be serviced, you fool. You think because Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba insulted me, you too can open your mouth? I might be uncompleted oh, but that does not mean my madness is incomplete. You want to see crazy, abi?

Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Sorry oh.

Zikoko: Please, please, we don’t condone fights here. I brought you all in here to have a decent conversation.

Dog House in Ikoyi: But you dismissed me when I came in first. You are lucky that Lucky has been used for pepper soup. Assuming I came here with the dog still inside me and you tell me this kind of rubbish, you would be regretting it now. [Hisses and walks out]

Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: The agent is already here. Time to go and present myself to the new person who is house-hunting. Today might be my lucky day. [Walks out]

Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba: I think I should leave too. [Walks out]

Slice of House in Lagos Island: Please can I use your mopping stick to prop myself up until I get home?

Zikoko: Uh.. I guess. The rest of you, please leave too. This interview has taken unexpected turns.

Serviced Apartment in Lekki, Shop in Mushin, Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando, Slice of House in Lagos Island walk out.

Zikoko: [Sighs]

Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba walks in.

Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba: Sorry I am coming late oh. The landlord’s bastard son came back and tried to sell me, so there was a lot of wahala.

Zikoko: Which bastard son?

Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba: Bros Tope. Before the landlord died, he wrote on the house, THIS HOUSE IS NOT FOR SALE. BEWARE OF 419 AND MY BASTARD SON, TOPE. It’s the Tope that came back today.

Zikoko: Oh God. Please just go. Just leave here. Interview has finished. Till next time.

Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba: Please don’t let me go yet. Bros Tope is still trying to sell me.

Zikoko itself walks out.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 15, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…
Interview With BBNaija Emblem: “Pere Showed Me Pepper”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

During this season’s BBNaija show, many people focused on the housemates, while the housemates were focused on their tasks. But even with all this focusing, no one was prepared for the new superstar that emerged on the scene. That superstar is the BBNaija Emblem. It was worn by Pere during his week as the Head of House ,and it changed everything for the housemates.

Today on Interview With, we sat down with the Emblem to get the gist of its experience in the hands of Pere and other Heads of House. Especially Pere.

Zikoko: Hello, superstar! It’s great to have you here.

BBNaija Emblem: Thank you for having me.

See how you are glowing! What’s the secret?

Emblem: Rest. That’s the secret: rest.

What do you mean “rest”?

Emblem: Since the show ended, I have had more time to rest. It’s why I am glowing.

Does this mean you did not have any rest while the show was on?

Emblem: Shebi you watched it? What did you think? From the moment I entered Pere’s hands, how could I have found rest?

Okay, let’s backtrack a bit. Can you tell me what your life was like before you got into Pere’s hands?

Emblem: If you remember, Peace was the first Head of House.

Yes…

Emblem: Ah! That babe was my favourite. Peace of Jesus. She didn’t stress me. I just sat on her neck and followed her about. There was really nothing to stress about. She was just concerned about how some of the housemates did not take proper care of the toilets.

And how did you feel about that?

Emblem: Am I the toilets?

No, I—

Emblem: Please interview the BBNaija toilets if you want to hear their side. You called me in to discuss life as an emblem, and that’s what I came here for.

Sorry. Please continue your story.

Emblem: Like I said, Peace’s reign as Head of House was peaceful, and I thought things would continue that way. Until Pere came in.

General Pere.

Emblem: It was a military regime. During Peace’s time, I thought I was a simple piece of jewellery. You know, an ornament to tell the Head of House apart. I didn’t even think I had real power. But Pere became head of state, and—

Head of state?

Emblem: Oh, sorry. Head of House. Pere became the head of house and the next thing I was hearing was, “If you don’t respect me, at least respect the emblem on my neck.”

Me, a gold chain, is what they should respect? I had to sit up.

And what was it like?

Emblem: To be honest, it felt strange. I would enter a place with Pere and everybody would start forming serious. The whole thing was funny, but I had to play along. And then Pere started causing trouble, and I entered serious hard labour.

What trouble did Pere cause?

Emblem: Oh, please don’t act like you don’t know. You yourself referred to him as General Pere some minutes ago. Don’t irritate me.

No, no. Don’t get me wrong. You know we watched from outside. I just want to know what it was like in the house…

Emblem: It was tough oh. Pere rationed noodles. Only him, he banned WhiteMoney from the kitchen. And it was all on me because, “Respect the emblem on my neck.” At some point, I wanted to shout and say, “Pere, do your evil acts with your chest. Don’t use the emblem as a cover.” But I kept quiet. Imagine if I had spoken and everyone fled because an ordinary neck chain dared to open its mouth and speak.

Wahala.

Emblem: Now you see my dilemma.

But was it only Pere that stressed you? What about the other Heads of House?

Emblem: I didn’t say it was only Pere. I said Pere made me sit up, and he brought attention to me. That’s all. The other housemates stressed me when they became Heads of House too. I can name them if—

Liquorose?

Emblem: Ah, Liqourose was a sweet babe through and through. I won’t even lie.

Cool. What about—

Emblem: It was the unexpected movements that nearly killed me.

What unexpected movements?

Emblem: I’m sure you know Liqurose is a dancer.

Yes. She’s a member of the—

Emblem: GGB dance crew. Sometimes, it’s like she forgets that she is already in the house and that she is wearing something on her neck. I could be sleeping, and suddenly, the whole place will just shake. Once, I thought an earthquake was happening in the Big Brother House. When I opened my eyes, I saw it was just Liquorose practicing her legwork for the Saturday Night Party. I wanted to cry. This babe did not care about my blood pressure one bit.

But how was WhiteMoney’s reign as Head of House?

Emblem: [Hisses] That one spent more time with the pots than he did with me. He should have just worn a pot or a cooking spoon around his neck. Yes, I enjoyed the aroma of his food, but he could have had more time for me.

Aww.

Emblem: Anyway, I’m glad it’s all over. I’m happy that he won. I hope he invests in a kitchen or something.

Is that jealousy I detect in your tone?

Emblem: Please dear. Why should I be jealous? I have become famous, and I am happy. Which of the winners have secured this interview with Zikoko Magazine?

None, if we are being honest. You are the first.

Emblem: Very good. When one of them lands on Zikoko frontpage, we can revisit this discussion again.

[BBNaija Emblem sashays out]

So we know BBNaija is over but your entertainment doesn’t have to be. Catch BBNaija Season 4 winner, Mercy Eke as she makes a return on TV this October with her reality show, ‘Mercy: What’s Next’ which premieres Sunday, 10 October at 6 PM on Africa Magic Showcase.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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Interview With Toothbrush: “Please Let Me Rest”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 8, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

bbnaija emblem, Interview, interview with, liquorose, Pere, whitemoney
Interview With Toothbrush: “Please Let Me Rest”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

If you are asked to mention the hardest worker in Nigeria today, you probably won’t mention your toothbrush, even though that poor object does the difficult work of cleaning your mouth. As though that hard labour is not enough, so many Nigerians have refused to change their toothbrush and buy a new one.

Today on Interview With, Toothbrush narrates its daily ordeal and begs for Nigerians to please give it a rest.

Zikoko: It’s great to have you here.

Toothbrush: [Yawns] Thanks for having me.

You seem tired, are you okay?

With the things my eyes witness on a daily basis, I don’t even know what answer I can give to you.

What things?

I don’t even know where to begin. But my job as a toothbrush is the most difficult job ever. You should experience life as a toothbrush, maybe then you will understand what I mean when I say my eyes have seen a lot.

Surely, it can’t be that bad…

Whatever you think I am going through, please multiply it by 10. It is worse. I’m overworked, underappreciated, and when I’m supposed to retire, Nigerians convert me into something else.

You won’t let me live, yet you still refuse to let me die. Why?

The reward for hard work is more hard work. That’s the honest truth.

My work is hard enough! My entire life is hard! Do you think it’s easy to enter someone’s mouth and wash away their morning breath? You people refuse to kiss your partners because of morning breath, but it’s me that has to enter your mouth and scrub everywhere to make the morning breath disappear.

Well—

And as if that is not enough, some people will put me in their mouth and scrub everywhere forcefully! It’s like they are washing a dirty rug. By the time I step out, I’ll be dizzy for a few moments because all that scrubbing has disoriented my system. Why? What did I do to you people? Is it a crime to try to help your dental health?

Is this why you injure people… ?

Why won’t I? When you are dragging me across your smelly mouth without any regard, why won’t I touch your gums and cause small blood to flow?

You’ve really been through a lot.

But think about it. Why do Nigerians like to overdo things? Why? Brush like someone who is all right, not like you are fighting with your mouth. And even if you are fighting with your mouth, resolve it amicably. Go to your dentist or something. Don’t use me to do your dirty work.

Pele. We will be sure to communicate your message.

It’s almost like there is no escape. When it’s time for me to retire after three months, Nigerians refuse. Sometimes, I go on brushing people’s teeth for close to six months. It is until I fall down on the bathroom floor before they realise it is time to change me.

Sometimes even, when I fall down, some people pick me up, rinse me, apply a fresh coat of toothpaste and continue using me to brush. Ah, people are stingy! Even to their own mouth.

Inyama! But you can’t blame them sha. The country is hard.

The country is hard, that is why I must now come and die inside someone’s smelly mouth? You better tell them that once it is three months of hard labour, I cannot do any more cleaning. If I am older than three months, and you are using me to clean your mouth, you are on a long thing.

You might as well carry your mouth odour and enter the streets.

You’re wicked oh.

A little wickedness is sometimes necessary if you want people to act right.

Between brushing teeth and brushing shoes, which one do you prefer?

Should that even be a question? Please don’t annoy me further.

Sorry oh.

Sorry for yourself. Oh, and for those people that use me to brush their eyebrows, one day will be one day for all of us.

Now please, I need to leave. My owner has just finished eating breakfast and he wants to use me to brush his teeth.

People brush their teeth after eating breakfast?

Mr. Interviewer, this is Nigeria. Wetin my eye never see?

[Toothbrush hurries out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 1, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

interview with
Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

If you’ve been anywhere around Nigerian Twitter, Instagram or TikTok, then you’re familiar with Small Yansh. After a viral video of hypeman EmmyBlaq saying “See Small Yansh dey shake oh!” went viral, Nigerians have adopted the anthem.
Seeing how Small Yansh has become the subject of fame, we decided to invite it to our office for an interview to tell us how life as a celebrity feels.

[Small Yansh shakes in]

Zikoko: Ewo, see Small Yansh dey shake oh!

[Small Yansh shakes faster]

Zikoko: E dey shake! E dey shake!

[Small Yansh shakes even faster]

Zikoko: Okay, okay. Oya stop. Let’s do the interview first and you can shake later.

[Small Yansh shakes to its seat]

Zikoko: Thank you so much for coming in today.

Small Yansh: Let’s be fast please. I have an interview with Vogue by 12.

Vogue? Anna Wintour’s Vogue?

Small Yansh: Yes oh. In fact, I would not even have answered you people. But my fame came from a Nigerian hypeman, and it won’t speak well if I carried all that fame to Vogue. After all, when I was nobody, just an ordinary Small Yansh roaming the streets, the people at Vogue did not know me.

Let’s talk about this your new-found fame.

Small Yansh: When God says it’s your time, it’s your time, that’s the only thing I can say. I mean, who would have thought that I’d one day be asked to suffocate someone? Me, Small Yansh? Ah.

Can you tell us how it happened?

Small Yansh: So, I was in the club that day, doing my own thing.

What is “your own thing”?

Small Yansh: I was just clenching together. When you are small, there is nothing else to do. Especially when I am covered in jeans. Jeans is an enemy of Small Yansh. Anytime they put me in jeans, I completely disappear. That is when I pass and people will call me bad names.

Please tell me some of these names…

Small Yansh: Ironing Board, Wall of Jericho, Pelebe, Smallie, Ten Naira Buns.

Wow.

Small Yansh: Sometimes, people even go further to compare me with other things. One day, someone said I looked like cardboard.

Ahan. As how?

Small Yansh: My brother, even me I was shocked. I didn’t know when tears started dropping from my eyes. What did I do to these people asides being small?

Ehya, sorry. But back to that night at the club… You said you were doing your thing?

Small Yansh: Yes, I was. Just moving sideways and shaking what mama gave me. And then from nowhere, this bright light fell on me. At first I froze, because I thought the hypeman wanted to insult me. Next thing I heard was, “See Small Yansh dey shake oh!”

Omo. I don’t know where that shaking ability came from. The way I started moving ehn!

Ahan, Tiger Generator.

Small Yansh: Yes oh. I had to show them that I better pass my neighbour. I was vibrating seriously. And then, the hypeman now finished me by saying, “Suffocate them with your bumbum!”

Only me with that level of power. Mr. Interviewer, I wan crase.

Wow. But do you have plans to suffocate them though? Also, who are the “them”?

Small Yansh: The “them” are my haters and people who thought I would never reach this position of influence. It’s not that I have any plans to suffocate anybody, sha. But to be given that level of power is intoxicating. Now, I can walk the streets and people will think, “This thing is small but mighty. It has the power to suffocate me if I misbehave.”

But is all that shaking not stressful? Do you have time to rest?

Small Yansh: It is stressful oh, let me not lie. With great power comes great responsibility, but I am learning to manage it. Now, I have hired an agent to take phone calls for me. I have also learnt not to appear anywhere I will be disrespected.

Interesting. When you stepped into the club that night, did you foresee that this would happen?

Small Yansh: For where? I said I just went there to chill. I even stay away from places like that because I know that someone will surely ask what I went there to do. But that hypeman was my guardian angel. He called my name and everything changed.

Thank you so much for honouring us, Small Yansh. Should we expect anything from you in the future?

Small Yansh: I cannot promise anything at this time, but one thing I know for sure is that you’ll be seeing me around a lot. I am aware that Asaba Nollywood is currently producing a movie titled Small Yansh Dey Shake.

Wow. So quick? Do giveaway, abeg.

Small Yansh: Me, I’m not even hyped. What I’m waiting for is Netflix. I want a documentary from them.

And what would the title of this documentary be?

Small Yansh: Small Yansh, Big God: Shaking My Way Into The Spotlight.

Ambitious!

Small Yansh: That’s me!

So, do you—

[Small Yansh checks time]

Small Yansh: Oops, I have to leave now. They are already calling me at Vogue.

[Small Yansh shakes out]

Zikoko, screaming: E dey shake oh.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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Interview With Water: “I Have Enemies”

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Kunle Ologunro

September 24, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

DJ Kaywise, EmmyBlaq, Humour, interview with small yansh, See Small Yansh Dey Shake oh, Small Yansh
Interview With Water: “I Have Enemies”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Water works harder than the average Nigerian civil servant. We drink water, bathe with it, cook with it, and use it for a quite a number of things. After all, it is a free gift of nature. But does Water get the respect it deserves for this hard work?

Today on Interview With, we decided to speak with Water about its job, and more importantly, to ask if it has enemies. This is an exclusive interview.

[Water flows in]

Zikoko: Hello, Water! Welcome to Zikoko.

[Water keeps flowing in]

We’re so pleased to have you and we—

[Water keeps flowing in]

Um, could you like, maybe stop flowing in? This is Surulere and—

[Water pauses]

Water: Oh, this is not Lekki?

No, not at all.

Water: Oopsie.

It’s fine. We’ll mop the floor when you leave.

[Water stops flowing in]

Water: Thank you for having me.

Can I start by asking what Lekki residents did to you?

Water: At this point, they should have gotten used to me. I mean, every time it rains, I visit them. And the reason is simple — that place was originally my territory, but because they wanted “a nice view”, they came and started building on my head. I’m just reminding them that I’ve not forgotten them.

But Afrobeats legend Fela Anikulapo-Kuti has a song titled “Water E No Get Enemy.” Isn’t this a fact?

Water: First of all, forget that thing Fela said. Me, I have enemies. Fela was a human being so he didn’t even know what life has been like for me. But he told you people that I don’t have enemies and you believed him? It’s the audacity for me. He didn’t even come to ask me if I had enemies. The way I would have opened my register to start listing their names ehn.

Wait, what? You have a register?

Water: If you go through the kind of things I go through, no one will tell you before you start keeping a register of enemies.

It’s almost as if you people heard that water is a free gift of nature and decided that I must run all your errands and do all your dirty work for you.

Hmm. Let’s talk about skincare. People drink you for clear skin, but instead of giving them that clear skin, they spend valuable time urinating. Is this something you are proud of?

Water: You people are funny sha. Your mates that are spending money on skincare products to get clear skin, they don’t know what they are doing, abi? So you just drink me and you expect your skin to clear up. Why don’t you stop eating groundnuts first before you come and talk to me. Please ask something else before I boil here.

Still on the matter of drinking you. These days, many people no longer drink water as much as they should. How do you feel about that?

Water: How do I feel about having less work to do? Please, please, I am satisfied. Anybody that does not drink me, that is their own problem. You think I care? But tell me, what are they drinking instead?

Erm, alcohol…

Water: I beg your pardon?

It’s true oh. In fact, some of them are advocating for water to be mixed with small alcohol. They said you are tasteless.

Water: It is you that is tasteless, Mr. Interviewer. It is you that will not have taste. You better not provoke me to anger, otherwise I will flood this place.

Ah, please oh. It’s not me that said it. I am just repeating some of the things that people have said.

Water: Then be sensible about it.

Alright, I’m sorry. Let me rephrase the question. What is your relationship with alcohol?

Water: First of all, alcohol is a dirty animal that is living a fake life. And for those people drinking alcohol, that thing they are looking for, may they find it.

You mean intoxication? They said you cannot give them that.

[Water bubbles seriously]

Water: Let this be the last time.

Yes, it will.

Water: I don’t have any problem with alcohol. We do our things separately, and we are not in competition with each other. That’s all I have to say on this matter.

So you mean you don’t feel somehow when you are both at parties and people pick alcohol over you?

Water: Why should I? Besides drinking, I do other things that alcohol can never dream of. They use me to prepare the party food, when they want to make alcohol cold, they turn me into ice block and dip the alcohol inside. In fact, if you don’t want to have a nasty hangover the next day, it’s still me you need to drink, so what’s the fuss about?

Let me ask you a question.

Water: Go ahead.

Do you think you have an identity crisis?

Water: Ahan, from where to where?

I am just asking because you exist in so many forms. Sparkling water, bubbly water, distilled water, etc. Who are you trying to impress?

Water: This interview is starting to get out of hand.

Okay then, let’s go back to your register of enemies. Whose name is at the top?

Water: That’s better. First on the list are Nigerian babies.

Not Lekki residents?

Water: No, those ones are the third.

Ahan. Who is now the second?

Water: Those who use spit as lubricant.

Hei. This is a lot. Let’s start unpacking it. First of all, what did Nigerian babies do to you?

Water: Have you been used to wash a baby’s bum-bum before?

Erm, no. I use water to do the washing.

Water: God, my life is so hard. I used to think being used to brush people’s teeth was the worst. You know, morning breath, mouth odour, and all of that. But have you ever smelled a baby’s poop before? Let alone now been the element used to clean that poop. Don’t even get me started on adult shit.

Yes, that’s a territory I don’t think we should explore. Have you considered therapy?

Water: Therapy that I went that my therapist tried to drink me? Please please. You humans are very despicable.

Ehya. Your condition is critical. So, what about those who use spit as lubricant?

Water: My brother. If it’s not that I am water, I think I would be needing water to wash my eyes. Because the kinds of things I encounter on a daily basis, ehn. It’s enough to make me want to flood this earth without God’s permission. Why would you decide to use saliva as lubricant? You are about to pound each other like yam and the next thing I see is that I am being dragged out of my comfort zone and applied on the palm. In the blink of an eye, they have rubbed me over someone’s vag—

Eh, I think that’s enough visual imagery for today. Besides, isn’t saliva different from water?

Water: Saliva is 99% water and 1% protein and salts. So what are you telling me?

But what about those who sell you for ridiculous amounts?

Water: It will touch everybody. Just wait and see.

Does this mean you will leave Lekki residents alone?

Water: Why are you so concerned about them? Do you live in Lekki?

Not yet. I am thinking of moving there. I just need my hook-up business to pay.

Water: Don’t you work at Zikoko?

Yes, I do. Hook-up is my side hustle. 2k per night.

Water: 2k per night… Hmm. Wait, first. If you charge 2k per night, that means you are one of those who use spit as lubricant. You have met your waterloo today.

No oh, I use groundnu—

[Water drowns Zikoko interviewer]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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Interview With APC Broom

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 17, 2021

Interview With…

Fela Kuti, Humour, interview with, interview with water, Water E No Get Enemy
Interview With APC Broom

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

You have always seen the broom in the flag of the All Progressives Party (APC) political party. Have you ever wondered what it means, or more importantly, why the party chose a broom?

Also, how does the broom on the flag feel about being the number one broom in the Federal Republic of Nigeria? What are the implications of this great responsibility? Today on Interview With, we sat with the APC Broom to discuss its grace to grass story.

Zikoko: Hello and welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you.

APC Broom: Thank you, Mr. Interviewer. Me too, I am pleased to be had.

Can you please introduce yourself to the audience?

APC Broom: As how?

Just tell the readers a bit about yourself. You know, who you are, what you do, etc.

APC Broom: Oh, okay. [Balances well]. I am the First broom of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

As in, you and Aishat Buhari are sharing husband?

APC Broom: No, no. What I am saying is that I hold a position that no broom has ever held before. I am the broom on the APC flag, and I don’t need to tell you that APC is the ruling party in Nigeria at the moment. So, if I am the broom on the flag of the ruling party, what does that make me?

A ruling broom?

APC Broom: Yes. Just like Buhari is the ruling man and he is the first citizen of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Oh, I see. So, following that logic…

APC Broom: That means when you count the brooms in this country, I come first. In that case, I am the ruling broom. In other words, the First Broom of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Rulers of this country have always had inspiring backstories. So, First Broom of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, what is your backstory?

APC Broom: [Takes a deep breath] You have asked an important question, and I too will give you an important answer. See, I am a broom of humble beginnings. My parents were poor palm fronds who struggled to make us their children happy. They allowed themselves to be cut down so broomsticks could be extracted from them. And even when we were spread in the sun for days, they made us understand that it was a necessary pain to go through. Before any broom can become valuable enough, they always said, it must first pass through harsh sunlight. See me today.

Wow. Did your parents attend any school?

APC Broom: My mother did not, but my father has a diploma in ATP from Dela Furotoye’s School of Motivational Quotes.

What is ATP?

APC Broom: Aspire To Papaya.

Oh, nice.

APC Broom: Nobody in my family thought I could get to this position. Even me, I never imagined I would be where I am today, but not once did I ever give up. I mean, look at my mates. Many of them have been cut short and are being used to wash toilets or mash ewedu leaves. Many of them are being used to sweep compounds, and many more are being used to wash gutters in Orile Agege, but here I am, living like a king on the APC flag.

Small broom, big God.

APC Broom: My brother, when God says it is your time, it is your time.

How did your time come? I mean, how did you end up on the flag?

APC Broom: Mr. Interviewer, thank you for that question. Many have said that I used bottom power, that I slept my way to the top. But I am a broom, where is the bottom? Even if I have bottom sef, who will insert something inside it?

Ah, don’t say that oh. Is this not Nigeria where a man was caught sleeping with a goat?

APC Broom: But am I a goat?

No, I—

APC Broom: Anyway, I was on my own that day, trying to rest and recover. People had cut parts of my body to pick their teeth and I was just looking scatter-scatter. By the way, we should talk about that. Why do Nigerians leave toothpicks alone and instead, go ahead to break off a piece of broom and stick it inside their teeth? Did I follow you to eat the meat that is stuck in your teeth?

Some people are even worse. They will break off a piece of broomstick and use it to clean their ears. Keep at it, you hear. Just keep at it. One day, a piece of broomstick will pierce your eardrum and you will learn.

Ah, please temper mercy with johnson.

APC Broom: Mercy Johnson is in her husband’s house. Me, I will not temper any mercy with justice.

So, back to our story. You were on your own, looking scatter-scatter.

APC Broom: Yes, as I was saying. I was on my own, looking scatter-scatter and trying to see if anyone would buy me and take me home so I could at least leave the market. That was how this black car with tinted windows stopped and the driver rushed out to come and buy me. I was so excited. I thought I was at least going to enter someone’s house at last. And that was the plan.

But the person who bought me was on his way to an APC meeting, and as it turned out, they were busy redesigning the flag that time and the only thing remaining was a symbol. Sha, the meeting started. According to what I heard, they saw a cockroach flying around, and they wanted to kill it. Next thing, the driver was asked to bring me out of the car.

And you killed the cockroach…

APC Broom: Not only did I kill it. I also swept it away and kept that floor clean. That was how the leader said, “We have found our logo.”

One minute they’re lifting me in the air and hailing me, the next they are retying me and arranging my loose ends. Afterwards, they took my photos and sent them to a flag designer. All this in one day.

Wonderful.

APC Broom: It can only be God.

Why do you think APC chose a broom as their symbol? They are a political party, couldn’t they have chosen something more… significant?

APC Broom: You want the answer to that question?

Yes, please.

APC Broom: Then go to Aso Rock. It’s not me you will ask foolish questions.

No, I didn’t mean it that way oh.

APC Broom: Why do you Nigerians like to hate? You are asking why they chose a broom. PDP that used umbrella as their logo, why didn’t you go and drag them? APGA that used fowl as their own logo, shey you will go and fight them? This is Nigeria, Mr. Interviewer. Nobody knows why things happen. Anything your eyes see, take it like that and be going. It can be either good or bad, e no sure for anybody, na grace.

As for me, they saw the work I did and they realised that I would be a good symbol to show Nigerians that APC is a party that has come to sweep out corruption and every wrong thing happening in this country. Like I said, who soak garri for morning fit chop jollof rice for night. Everything na grace.

So, would you say you have achieved that?

APC Broom: Achieved what?

Swept corruption out of the country and all…

APC Broom: Shey this one dey whine me ni? Oga, I am just an ordinary broom oh. The people you should ask are your leaders in power. Besides, I want you to take a good look at me. Can you see my size?

Yes.

APC Broom: Now imagine the size of the corruption in this country. Do you think I have the capacity to sweep it away?

I—

APC Broom: Even if they bring vacuum cleaner, the level of to be cleaned will make it start to malfunction. But Nigerians love lies. And I cannot even blame them. When you have suffered for more than 19 years, even keke maruwa will look like a yacht. That’s why, when APC debuted me as their symbol, everyone was rejoicing. The price of broom went up, and at every political rally, people would carry brooms and shake in the air.

Me I was happy for my siblings, sha. At least they finally got to take a break from hard labour. They are back at it now sha, but that year, brooms were the happening babes.

Hmm. This is such an eye-opener.

APC Broom: I know what people are saying on the streets: that the APC Broom is doing the opposite of what they asked it to do; that I am sweeping corruption into the country and sweeping away the value of the Naira.

Okay oh, I agree. But can we also agree that I am sweeping Nigerians out of the country and sweeping them into better countries?

So you are responsible for the japa?

APC Broom: If you will blame me, you might as well tell the complete truth.

People have been clamouring that the APC logo be changed from Broom to Cutlass. What do you have to say about this?

APC Broom: Ordinary broom that is the party logo, the country is like this. Imagine if they change it to cutlass. What do you think will happen?

Ah.

APC Broom: Good.

Thank you so much for honouring us. Any last words?

APC Broom: People have said I do not deserve this position. I want them to know that who God has blessed, no man can curse. Also, they should know that I am just out here living my life. You dey use envy look am, na why e be like show off. But take note of this: Battery wey low go still full, and battery wey full go still low. Our prayer be say make charger no spoil.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

Kunle Ologunro

September 10, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

APC Broom, Humour, Interview, Interview With APC Broom
Interview With White Amala and Black Amala: “Hating Amala Is A Character Flaw”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

How does it feel to be constantly dragged by the people you nourish? Black Amala and White Amala (Lafun) have experienced this firsthand. Today on Interview With, we sit with them to hear how they feel about it, and in response, they reply all their haters.

Zikoko: Hello besties! It’s nice to have you here.

White Amala: You and who is bestie?

Black Amala: LMAO I hate the audacity of Nigerians. They’ll chat shit about you behind your back, and when they see you, they’ll try famzing. Talo ni bestie werey?

Um, could you please translate that Yoruba? Some of our readers don’t understand Yoruba and some of them live abroad.

Black Amala: Oh, they don’t understand Yoruba but they understand how to drag innocent swallows like me, abi?

White Amala: Anyway, talo ni bestie werey means who is the bestie of an unwell person, or something like that?

Oh wow.

Black Amala: I should not have come here at all. In fact, when my agent received your email saying that Zikoko humbly requested my presence, I hissed and went back to play with gbegiri and ewedu. If not for White Amala that kept pestering me, I would not have answered you.

White Amala: What is this rubbish you are saying? Which White Amala pestered you? Was I not on my own?

Black Amala: Ah, Lafun. Why are you lying like this? Did you not enter okada to my house to beg me that we should go, that this interview would be good for your public image because many people don’t know you?Why are you changing story now that we’re in their office?

White Amala: Amala Dudu, please come off it. Who said they don’t know me? Yes, you might be the face of the family, but I am white and you are black. In the long run, I will still be preferred to you.

Ah, ah, ah, is that colourism I detect in your tone? We don’t do that here.

White Amala: You can detect colourism, but Itohan Esekheigbe is still working with you people after she dragged Amala. Make it make sense.

No, Itohan is—

Black Amala: Allowed to go about her daily life after insulting us, isn’t it? And don’t even try to defend her. Let me read out what she said:

People who have Amala as their favourite food act like die-hard music stans. At least the music stans can say they admire a real person. These people are ready to go to war over swallow????? They are not just lovers of it, they are a legion. If Amala is your favourite swallow, you need to rethink your life choices. What are you doing wrong? Who did you offend? Are your village people working overtime again?

What Your Favourite Swallow Says About You

Again, I apologise. Can we start afresh please?

White Amala: Start.

Black Amala: [Looks away]

Alright. Welcome to Interview With. Zikoko is pleased to have you. Today, we would like for you to address some things people have said about you.

Black Amala: [Mumbles] It’s not enough that people are saying things about me, I must also get up here to defend myself. Okay oh. Amala Keating.

White Amala: Amala Dudu, must everything be about you? After all, people say things about me too. This is a chance to set things right, why are you bent on ruining everything with a fight?

Black Amala: Lafun, let me tell you something you don’t know today. When people talk about Amala, I can assure you that they don’t have you in mind. I am the face of the Amala community. Me, gbegiri, ewedu, and soup. And I think we get more hate because of my skin colour. You Nigerians are colourist. If you were the face of the Amala community, the hate would be lesser. I mean, look at pounded yam. He goes out with his wife Efo Riro, and everyone is dying over them. We are made from the same tuber of yam, and I know for sure that I taste better than him, but-

Cap.

Black Amala: What did you say?

I said Capernaum. That’s where Zikoko wants to open a new branch.

Black Amala: Oh.

White Amala: First of all, I would like to begin by saying that my name is Lafun. I am made of cassava flour, unlike Black Amala that is made of yam. But people have called me White Amala because they recognise that I am your sibling, in taste and consistency. And that is why I disagree with what you said about you receiving hatred from people. Listen, my name is mentioned to people and the first thing they say is, “White Amala should not exist.” At least they want you to exist, they just don’t want to eat you. But me, they want me to be wiped out of existence. Is there any injustice and hatred that is greater than this? [White Amala breaks down in tears]

This is supposed to be a fun interview. Why are you making it emotional?

Black Amala: There’s nothing funny about being insulted by the people you are meant to nourish.

White Amala: Nothing at all.

Okay, but what do you suggest we do?

Black Amala: Start by querying Itohan Esekheigbe for that article of hers. Amala, ewedu, gbegiri and soup is not a combination you should slander. At this point, hating Amala is a character flaw.

White Amala: Maybe when you do that, we can return to your office for a proper interview.

No, wait. We are—

[Black Amala and White Amala walk out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 3, 2021

Interview With…

black amala, Humour, interview with, white amala
Interview With Raw Beans, Baked Beans, & Ewa Agoyin

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigerians have a love-hate relationship with beans. It takes too long to cook, that’s a fact. It has been said to make people grow taller, that’s one hypothesis we are yet to try out. But is beans also responsible for a number of offences like making people purge and having smelly farts?

Today on Interview With, we spoke to Raw Beans, Baked Beans, and Ewa Agoyin to get their sides on the matter.

[Ewa Agoyin walks in first]

Zikoko: Hello Ewa Agoyin. Welcome to the Zikoko Interview With session.

Ewa Agoyin: Thank you.

You are a bit early. We have to wait for Raw Beans and Baked Beans. They are on their way.

Ewa Agoyin: Ah, can you please interview me first so I can go my own way? It’s past 6 in the morning, and there are people waiting for me with their plates. In fact, my best friends are outside the door. I told them I had an interview here, but that it would not take long.

Who are these best friends?

Ewa Agoyin: Yam and Bread. We have been friends since childhood, and people like to eat us together. In fact, we are so close that we cannot stand alone.

Or you cannot stand alone…

Ewa Agoyin: What do you mean?

I’m saying that people can eat bread with other things, same with yam. But if there is no bread or yam with Ewa Agoyin, then you have no purpose.

Ewa Agoyin: It is you that will have no purpose. Wait a minute, did you call me here to insult me or interview me?

No, I—

Ewa Agoyin: Do you think it’s easy to come all the way from Togo and still make a name for myself here in Nigeria? Go and ask about me oh. Married men and women will wake up in the morning and hold their plates, waiting for the people that hawk me.

If you think I have no purpose, wait for an Ewa Agoyin seller to disappoint you. Just let her not show up when she usually does. It is that day you will know that I am greater than cocaine. Very soon, there will be an Ewa Agoyin rehab. You know who will be admitted there?

Who?

Ewa Agoyin: People who cannot go a day without eating Ewa Agoyin, and people who lost their minds when their Ewa Agoyin seller refused to show up at the regular time.

So what you are saying is—

[Raw Beans walks in]

Raw Beans: Who lost their mind?

Ewa Agoyin: No, we were talking about something else.

Raw Beans: Ehn, I know. That’s why I am asking.

Hello, Raw Beans. We are pleased to have you.

Raw Beans: Abeg, can I get a cup of water?

Sure. Here you go.

[Raw Beans gulps the cup but still remains hard]

Raw Beans: Oya, Ewa Agoyin, answer me. Who lost their mind?

Ewa Agoyin: Please move your chair back a bit. Since you entered this office, you have been dropping chaff, weevils, and small-small stones. Didn’t you shower before coming here? How do people even eat you with all this dirt?

Raw Beans: Sorry oh, Togosian. Because you came from Togo now, you are the overall best in cleanliness, abi?

Actually, it’s Togolese.

Raw Beans: Please and please. I will call it whatever I want.

[From outside: Ewa Agoyin dear, we are waiting for you]

Ewa Agoyin: I’m sorry, Bread! I’ll come join you soon.

Raw Beans: Shior. Nonsense and copulation. Interviewer?

Yes?

Raw Beans: Ewa Agoyin told you that he’s just friends with Bread, abi?

Yes, that’s what I was told.

Ewa Agoyin: Because that’s the pure truth.

Raw Beans: You can lie to other people, but please don’t lie to yourself. You people are calling yourselves friends but you are sleeping with each other.

Ewa Agoyin: Isn’t that what you people do in Lagos? He’s my best friend, she’s my best friend, but you people are entering each other’s secret places. What is bad if I do the same?

Raw Beans: Oho, the truth is coming out. Keep going, there’s more where that came from.

Ewa Agoyin: You want to hear the truth? We are in an open polyamorous relationship, all three of us. It is why Yam can sleep with you and still go and sleep with egg. It is also why Bread can sleep with you and still come back home to me. It is—

Sorry, sorry. We eat you people. Could you please not make this awkward by telling us about your sex life? We are fine with seeing you all as food items.

Ewa Agoyin: Then tell Raw Beans to get a life and stop policing my movement.

Raw Beans: You must think you are very important in the grand scheme of things. All because of a Togosian passport.

TOGOLESE.

Raw Beans: Listen to me, I be your mama oh. I’m your Moh-mie. Whether they cook you for 8 hours or more, you are still beans. You hear me? It’s just the stew that makes you think you are different. And you know what? Yoruba people are already closing in on your secret. Once they perfect how to make that sauce, it is over for you. Interviewer, can I please get another cup of water?

Sure. Here you go.

[Raw Beans gulps the water and still remains hard]

Ewa Agoyin: It will not be over for me in the mighty name of Jesus. And let Yoruba people perfect the sauce first. When they do, we will revisit this conversation. Interviewer, am I done here?

No, we—

[Baked Beans walks in]

Baked Beans: Hiya lads!

Hello, Baked Beans.

Ewa Agoyin: Hello.

Raw Beans: How are you?

Baked Beans: I’m good. Lovely weather innit?

Yes, yes.

Ewa Agoyin: Wetin be this?

Raw Beans: The weather is good, but it’s not our concern.

Baked Beans: Oh, bummer. Thank you, mate.

Raw Beans: I am not your mate. If we look at it well, I collected like 10 good years from you.

Um, Raw Beans, I don’t think Baked Beans means it that way…

Baked Beans: [Stares in surprise]

So, thank you all for being here. We brought you in to address some rumours. As soon as we clear the air, you all can go back to your daily businesses.

Ewa Agoyin: Please keep it short.

Raw Beans: I agree.

Baked Beans: Oi, mate! Sorry to interrupt you. Can I get a bo-ou of wooa?

Sorry?

Baked Beans: A bo-ou of wooa.

Oh, a bottle of water. Here you go.

[Raw Beans and Ewa Agoyin exchange glances and burst into laughter.]

Baked Beans: Is there a joke I am missing, lads?

Sooo. Raw Beans, Baked Beans, and Ewa Agoyin, this question is for you all.

Raw Beans: Say it.

Why are you deceiving people?

Ewa Agoyin: In what way, please?

People believe eating beans will make them grow taller. And so they eat you people a lot. With bread, garri, yam, plantain, rice, but they never grow taller.

Baked Beans: Maybe they were never meant to be tall, you know?

Ewa Agoyin: Ah, thank you oh.

Raw Beans: This is the first sensible thing Baked Beans has said today.

Baked Beans: [Spits out water] Are you facken schewpid?

Okay, okay, let’s not fight. Please just answer the question.

Raw Beans: Sorry, Baked Beans. I didn’t mean it that way, the same way you too called me your mate and the interviewer said you didn’t mean it that way. By the way, Baked Beans, I hope you know where you are really from? This your English accent, hmm. You are a Native American oh. If you like keep joining body with the colonisers. When it’s time to fight, they will pack their own people and dump you like hot shit.

Baked Beans: Oh bloody hell.

Raw beans: Back to your question, interviewer. Let me tell you, someone that is meant to be short will remain short. If the person likes, they should eat one drum of beans, what will be will be. And really, can we please leave beans alone? Any small thing, “Beans.” You mess, it’s beans. You purge, it’s beans. You grow tall, beans. You don’t grow tall, beans. Can we be allowed to drink water and drop cup?

Sorry about this, but—

Raw Beans: Please give me another cup of water, please.

Sure. Here you go.

[Raw Beans drinks the water but still remains hard].

Ewa Agoyin: For me, the worst thing is when people come out to say they don’t eat beans because beans looks like shit. Me, I just hiss and ignore. I’m a fine babe; beans are cuties. If you think we look like shit, you need to get your eyes cleaned.

Raw Beans: And you should talk to those people that cook beans with sugar. Why do they want to kill me before my time? Am I not sweet enough? Now, they will complain that their fart smells, or that they are purging.

So you admit that you are responsible for smelly farts and making people purge?

Raw Beans: Not always. Some people need to take deworming medicine.

But wait. Why does gas finish when they use it to cook you?

Ewa Agoyin: What kind of question is this one?

Raw Beans: You too, why are you using gas to cook beans? Gas is not man enough to handle me. You want me to be soft and weak? Find me a man who can sustain the pressure until I give it all up and surrender.

Baked Beans: Erm, is this Fifty Shades of Grey? Are you into BDSM? Is that it?

Ewa Agoyin: No. Thirty-five shades of moi-moi.

Baked Beans: I’m just going to say this: I do not share the same realities with these people, I’m sorry. I grew up outside Nigeria, I have a foreign degree, I feature in ENGLISH breakfasts, so maybe I’m not the right interview subject? Plus, these people stink, ugh.

[Baked Beans walks out]

Raw Beans: It is your mother that will stink, you soggy beans!

Ewa Agoyin: Um, going by what you told me earlier, are you not the mother of baked beans too? Does this mean you are the one who actually stinks?

[Ewa Agoyin runs out]

Raw Beans: Interviewer, please give me a cup of water first.

The ones you have drunk are enough. Please be going, we need to sweep the floor.

Raw Beans: Wow. Nice one, nice one. Please don’t insult me sha. I will go.

[Raw Beans walks out. Zikoko carries broom and packer to sweep weevils, chaff, and small-small stones from the floor].

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Breasts and Bum Bum

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 27, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With Breasts and Bum Bum

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.

Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.

Zikoko: Hi everyone. Zikoko is pleased to have you here today.

Breasts: But are we pleased to have Zikoko?

Bum Bum: Ahan, Breasts. Stop being rude.

Breasts: Um, excuse me? The interviewer said something and I asked a question based on that. Could you please do me a favour and point out where the rudeness is?

Bum Bum: Oh, please don’t play that game with me. We grew up together, I know you so well.

Breasts: Point of correction — we grew up in different parts of the same house. I live in the front yard, you dominate the backyard. We literally do not have any interactions. Please and please, don’t try to claim any familiarity because we are in public.

Okay, I think we started on the wrong foot… Hello once again. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Bum Bum: Thank you for contacting us. I am glad to be here.

Breasts: Yeah, what Bum Bum said.

Would you like some—

Breasts: Our Madam said you had things to discuss, and that’s why I’m here. So, if you don’t mind, could you please get to it? I’ve been in this bra all day and I need to get out of them so I can be free to roam around.

Bum Bum: Ah, no oh. This is where I must talk.

Breasts: About what?

Bum Bum: Don’t blame your rudeness on the bra. Afterall, I am currently experiencing the same discomfort.

What discomfort is that?

Bum Bum: I’ve been in jeans all day, and before that , there’s also panties which won’t stop entering my crack. But with how annoying all of that is, I’m still not losing my cool.

Breasts: Okay, and so?

Bum Bum: What I’m saying is that you are naturally rude, and the earlier you admit to that, the better your chances of you moving forward in life.

Breasts: LMAO. You must think I’m in the same position as you are.

Please, let this not lead to an argument. We are peace-loving at Zikoko.

Breasts: Listen to me, Bum Bum. I am already forward and that’s where I will continue to be. I don’t have to pretend to be humble or fake any kind of attitude in order to “move forward.” If you like, you can fake all the humility in the world, that’s your business. You will always remain at the back.

Oh, and you can try moving forward, but I will gladly show you an example of what that would look like.

Do am if e easy.

That’s NSFW, Breasts. Please take note.

Breasts: Sorry, I’ll do better.

Bum Bum: Amen oh.

Breasts: You mentioned something about panties being caught between your cheeks…

Bum Bum: I’ve moved on from that issue, Breasts. In fact, I am—

Can we pick something else to discuss?

Breasts: Look, I hate to compare suffering, but me and you, Bum Bum, our suffering is not the same. On the worst days,you’re covered by panties. But a bra? It is the worst cage I have ever been kept in. Sometimes, the straps will dig into our Madam’s shoulders and she’ll forcefully adjust it without thinking about my feelings. Sometimes even, wire from the bra will poke my skin.

Tell me, why else do you think bras are the first thing that gets removed on getting home? There is no greater joy than being free from the bounds of a bra.

That’s such a moving story. Sorry for what you go through.

Breasts: Please keep your apologies.

Bum Bum: So why then did you tell it if you don’t want them to tell you sorry?

Breasts: Do you even—

I’m going to stop you right there. Tempers are heated, so I’ll just ask a few more questions and leave you both to sort out your issues.

Bum Bum: “A few questions”. Hmm. Why do I feel like I know what you want to ask next?

Breasts: LMAO we all know what he wants to ask, but let’s pretend.

Wait oh, have you both settled your fight?

Breasts: When it comes to that question we know you are about to ask, we unite to tackle it.

Bum Bum: Lol you people think you are smart.

Um, I feel left out. Can you please tell me what the question is?

Breasts: Hian.

Bum Bum: Zikoko, no dey pretend. Ask what you want to ask.

Breasts: Yes, we are listening.

Alright. So… there is a constant argument about who is the greater one between Breasts and Bum Bum, and—

[Breasts and Bum Bum burst into laughter]

Bum Bum: I knew it!

Breasts: You people are so predictable.

Does this mean you will answer the question?

Breasts: First of all, I do not exist for men to wake up and make decisions about who is greater between me and my fellow sister.

Bum Bum: Preach sis!

Breasts: I have elevated myself beyond the male gaze and I shall not be brought low for the sake of cheap comparisons.

Bum Bum: Even if we will compare ourselves, will it now be for men?

No, women also—

Breasts: Oga please. Don’t even start. Do you know the rubbish I have suffered in the hands of men?

Bum Bum: The interviewer does not have breasts. Tell him your experience so he can know what his people are doing on Ngozi Ezeonu’s internet.

Breasts: My Madam will post a photo and men will come under to comment “Fallen heroes.” “Oluympus has fallen.” Like, first of all, Mr. Man, you are the one whose brain has fallen.

Bum Bum: See ehn. His life has fallen apart and he doesn’t even know.

Breasts: Now, women are afraid to post photos where they are wearing clothes with plunging necklines because of the he-goats that come to post rubbish under their photos. Some of these men don’t even have decorum. A breast cancer survivor will post photos and they will be there acting as breast constables.

I always beg our Madam to let me fight them, but she doesn’t like trouble, so she just deletes their comments and moves on.

Bum Bum: LOL please. What would you have done if our Madam gave you permission to fight?

Breasts: Plenty! First of all, if God intended me to stand at attention, he would have put bones inside me. So why are they bothering me?

Secondly, I am ashamed of these men. Many of them have not even touched real breasts. They watch porn and come out expecting breasts with nipples that are pointing towards the heavens. If any man knows he wants firm breasts, he should walk into the hospital and ask them how much it would cost to install silicone in his chest.

Bum Bum: Sorry dear. You are really trying. Uneasy lies the breasts that wear the bra.

Breasts: I tell you! At the end of the day, it’s all these things that make me greater than you.

Bum Bum: It’s like you are sick. You are greater than who?

Ahan. Another fight has started so soon?

Breasts: Bum Bum, I literally serve multiple functions. I make clothes fit better, for starters. That’s an aesthetic purpose. I produce milk to nurse babies, and sometimes, adventurous men like to suck on me. I provide a resting place for tired heads, and during sex, I perform a lot of functions I don’t even want to start mentioning here.

Bum Bum: Sorry oh, multipurpose supermarket. Is it now me that does not serve any purpose?

Breasts: Okay, mention them.

Bum Bum: I am aesthetic; I make jeans fit better. I even—, I—

Breasts: LMAO, go on now. You literally cannot produce milk, and try as you may, men cannot rest their heads on you.

I guess we have our winner.

Bum Bum: Not yet. Tell me, Breasts, if you are that perfect, why do women with big breasts complain of backache? In fact, why do you get tender and painful during periods? And you literally cannot keep secrets. When madam is aroused, your mouth has already become pointed, cho-cho, begging for attention.

Breasts: Versatility dear. You cannot relate if you don’t have the range.

Bum Bum: AT LEAST MEN EAT ME!

Breasts: Oh, so it’s me they don’t suck? Look at this joker.

Bum Bum: So, you are—

Breasts: Look, Bumbum, you have lost this argument. I am greater than you. Period. Maybe when you get better points, you can come back and argue. Right now, I have no argument to give. I need to get out of this bra so our landlady can massage me to check for lumps.

[Breasts walk out]

Wow. I am impressed! Bum Bum, thank you for coming. Will you drink water before you go?

Bum Bum: [Lost in thought]

Bum Bum?

Bumbum: [jolted back to reality] IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME, HOW COME SOME WOMEN ARE CONSIDERING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY? WHY IS THERE NO BUM BUM REDUCTION SURGERY?

In fact, a man denied his mother because of me.

Has anyone denied their parents for breasts?

Erm, Bum Bum. It’s like you have lost this argument oh. Shey you will you start going?

Bum Bum: I’ll go. Please ask them to open the front door for me so I can pass.

Front what? No oh. Breasts has passed there. Please use the backdoor.

Bum Bum: God will punish you.

You are the one who lost the argument. Isn’t that a clear sign of punishment?

Bum Bum: Wow. All of you at Zikoko are scum!

[Bumbum walks out angrily]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 20, 2021

Interview With…

Body, Breasts, bum bum, funny interview, Humour
Interview With Dunlop Slippers: “You People Don’t Appreciate Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

How do you treat your Dunlop Slippers? Do you accord it respect or do you only remember it when it’s time to wear it to the bathroom, the market or to walk in the rain?

If your answer to any of this is yes, Dunlop Slippers has had enough of your rubbish. Today on Interview With, the underappreciated and overworked footwear shares its grievances with Zikoko.

*Dunlop Slippers flies into the room and everyone dodges*

Zikoko: Ahan. Zikoko writers, are you afraid the slippers will land on your back?

Dunlop Slippers: [Lets out an evil laugh] At the sight of me, everybody must adjust, and every back shall confess that Dunlop Slippers carries power.

Is that why you entered our office like Hurricane Katrina? Please let us know when you are ready oh.

[Dunlop Slippers finally settles into the Interview Couch] Good morning, interviewer.

Same to you, Dunlop Slippers. Are you good?

No. Do I look good to you?

There is no need to be aggressive. I’m just making small talk.

You started the aggression, please. Why will I greet you good morning and you will reply “same to you”? I don’t know what you are going through, but I am not the cause of your misfortune.

I shall not experience misfortune in the mighty name of Jesus. Are you sick?

You are the one interviewing a pair of Dunlop Slippers. I believe it should be obvious to you by now, who the sick one is among us.

Oho, so this is how I am being repaid for my niceness? Nice one.

Which niceness? After everything I go through in the hands of your species, you open your mouth to say you are nice? Please, the day is still young, interviewer. Don’t get me angry.

Me I don’t understand the reason for this aggressive behaviour sha. And what have you gone through in the hands of my… species?

What have I not gone through? Nigerian mothers throw me at their kids when they misbehave, secondary school students use me to beat their juniors, all of you wear me during the rainy season when you know that I don’t have a very strong grip. You relegate me into the bathroom permanently and change my name to bathroom slippers. Even when I give up work and cut, some of you will still sew me and continue to wear me. You won’t let me rest, you still won’t let me die. What exactly is the problem? And now you sit there asking me why I am aggressive. Why won’t I be aggressive? Don’t ask me why I am aggressive. Ask Nigerians why they are wicked.

All right… I am sensing that you feel unappreciated. Is that correct?

[Looks around the Zikoko office]

What are you looking for?

Your psychology degree. Because this one you have suddenly become a therapist, I don’t understand it.

But yes, I don’t feel appreciated enough. Just yesterday I came through for an aunty that wore high heels to the beach. She wore me at that beach and was very happy.I won’t even lie, I was not happy with the way she kept using me to walk over hot sand. But did I complain? No. Even when she went close to the water and the waves almost removed me from her leg, I held on for dear life and kept my mouth shut, all in a bid to make her happy and give her the comfort she wants. And guess what she did once we left the beach?

Tell me.

Dustbin. She dumped me in the dustbin

Oh, I’m sor—

Why are you interrupting me? Let me talk. What is wrong with your species?

I’m not one of them.

Your species even have a name for me: bathroom slippers. Like you are ashamed to be seen in public with me. Before all those crocs and slides and palm slippers came, I saved your lives. You people deserve everything my colleagues have been doing to you.

Colleagues? Is there an association of Dunlop Slippers that I don’t know about?

Ogbeni, you are even wearing crocs right now. I am the oga of the footwear association. I put the holes in crocs, I’m the reason your slides expand, the reason the soles of Birkenstocks break fast, the reason everything is expensive.

Sorry oh, inflation.

I am the reason tyres are no longer durable. And if you people don’t rethink how you treat me and my people, we will make sure there are no more latex left to make condoms.

Okay, you are scaring me. Please calm down.

Oh, so you can ask me to calm down now, abi? You people don’t appreciate anything until it dies, then you’ll go on Twitter and be tweeting remember when. Your followers too will join you with their retweets and false sympathy, and you all will think you are good people.

Ahan, all this rant because of what?

Because I have been quiet for too long thinking you will change your ways, but nothing seems to be changing!

Sorry dear, we will wear bathroom slippers outside.

You and who is bathroom slippers? My name is Dunlop. Dunlop Slippers. Is that too hard for you to pronounce?

I even tried to be fancy. I stopped being multi-coloured, I added ribbons and beads and cowries to myself, but you people refused to give me the special treatment you give to your fancy shoes. But no. I was not enough for you. You simply decided I was fit for dirty markets and loud supermarkets. And me too, I decided to show you how much value I have. If you will not appreciate me, then I will not let you enjoy me. That is why I always go missing. You must have noticed it, haven’t you?

You wear me for a while and then one day, one leg is missing.

Ah…

Yes nau, man dem wicked but me wickeda than them. You people don’t know that I am well-travelled. I have been to every country, and Nigerians abroad respect me more.

We are sorry. We will do better.

If you like, don’t do better. I will keep on disappearing.

Hmm, maybe this is why they don’t like wearing you…

Say it with your chest, which one is “they”? You mean you. You think I don’t know your own story? I know all of you. Do you know how many times I have saved your life when a nail was trying to injure you? I let it in and it doesn’t harm you, you don’t even find it until two years later.

Why did you let the nail enter in the first place?

To show that I have power.

What?

Ehen? What about it?

Nothing. We appreciate all you do for us.

That one is your business. I need to go now. My current oga wants to go to work but doesn’t want to wear his suede shoes in the rain. Come and show me that your psychology degree fast fast before I leave.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

August 13, 2021

Interview With…

dunlop slippers, Humour, interview with, Laughter
Interview With Urgent 2k: “I Work Hand in Hand With Sapa”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Urgent 2k is a valid Nigerian currency. It is more than an emergency fund; it is a lifesaver, a life jacket when you are drowning. In fact, this currency has been recognised to be the cause of several relationship break-ups and a number of fallouts.

Today on Interview With, we asked Urgent 2k about its meteoric rise to fame, how it deals with problems, and how it has managed to stay successful, in spite of the other denominations of money available in Nigeria.

Zikoko: Hello. It’s so wonderful to have you here.

Urgent 2k: The pleasure is all mine. I have never imagined that I would one day be interviewed by the good people of Zikoko.

Oh really?

Yes oh. I usually hear stories about the other people you interview and I just allow myself to dream. I am just an ordinary “urgent 2k”, I didn’t think you would even be interested in me. So, when I got the invitation to come into your office, I could not believe it.

You need to give yourself more credit, please. You are not ordinary.

I know. But these days, many people don’t consider you rich enough if you only have 2k in your account. Rihanna just became a billionaire. Do you think she would make the news if she had only 2k in her account?

That’s a different case.

True, sha.

Can you tell us about your journey to fame?

My dear, when it is your time, it is your time oh. I might not be famous in other countries, and that’s why I keep my mouth shut when the argument goes international. But in Nigeria, I know the power I hold. Sometimes, I am even greater than 10k sent at the wrong time.

Ahan, slow down please. Pride goes before a fall.

It’s not pride if it’s facts. Urgent 2k a day keeps sapa away. 10k can make you happy, but is it not better to be receiving regular urgent 2k than to receive 10k once a month and not see anything until the next month?

Fair point.

Do you think it’s easy to have “urgent” as my title? There are many 2ks in the world, but being “urgent” is what makes me different. You can have 2k on top of your salary, 2k as part of your bill at a restaurant, but have you ever been stranded with zero naira in your account and someone sends you Urgent 2k?

Hmm…

That’s what I’m talking about! I am small but mighty. I have become so important that people call my name when they refer to larger amounts of money. Someone who works at KPMG will wake up and say they are going to work so they can make urgent 2k.

Please leave KPMG men out of this.

It’s true sha. Before they start posting their payslips online to prove that they earn more than 2k. Anyway, that’s their own wahala. In this Nigeria that we live in, every salary is an urgent 2k.

You are in high demand… Are you happy about this?

I like the way I’m feeling now. Nobody should come and use their reggae to spoil my blues and rhythm now. I have learnt how to be satisfied, but that is something I make sure others don’t have. I am like sugar; once you taste urgent 2k once, there is no going back.

Is that why you are destroying relationships?

Excuse me?

Many people have broken up today because of urgent 2k…

Or you mean to say that many Nigerian men use me as an excuse to break up with their girlfriend? I have heard what Nigerian men are up to in these streets and I tell you, I am disgusted. You will see a man come online to say that, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, break up with her.” Or, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, you too ask her for urgent sex.”

Please and please, Femi, are you not also receiving urgent 2k from people? Did they ask you to surrender penis before sending me to your account? Why are you people inconsiderate like this? You think urgent 2k is enough to boast on? Okay oh, keep going. Sapa will humble you.

You have mentioned Sapa twice in this interview. Should we interview Sapa too?

Yes oh. Sapa is my colleague and we work together. I can give you his phone number if you want. Can I tell you a secret?

Yes.

Sometimes, if I see someone misbehaving, perhaps the person is bragging online or showing off that they will never need urgent 2k in their life, I send Sapa to attack them. By the time Sapa has dealt with them seriously, I will now step in. I don’t know if it has ever happened to you, but receiving urgent 2k after Sapa has choked you is worthy of a testimony.

This is the story of almost every Nigerian.

Ah, maybe the government should create a holiday in my name? National Urgent 2k Day. That day, everybody receives urgent 2k and the world is happy.

We might have to make it N2,100.

Why?

POS charges.

Wahala everywhere.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 6, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Humour, KPMG, Sarcasm, urgent 2k
Interview With BBNaija Eye: “The Housemates Need To Shine Their Eyes”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

BBNaija IS BACK! This new season is already brimming with drama and we wanted to get the full scoop, so we reached out to the only person who could supply it: THE BBNAIJA EYE!

On today’s episode of Interview With, we spoke with the BBNaija Eye about the new season of the BBNaija show and the level of chaos that is bound to come.

Zikoko: Ah, we meet again.

BBNaija Eye: Is that the proper way to greet?

What in the Nigerian mother is this response?

Is that what I asked you?

Ah, sorry oh. Good afternoon, boss.

Very good. Now, proceed with your questions.

I—

You what?

Sorry, but where did this new found confidence come from?

[BBNaija Eye blinks and re-adjusts sitting position]

I’m asking because the last time I interviewed you, you were…

A little reserved?

YES!

Well now, I don shine my eye. And I really think you need to do that too. Shine ya eye. Streets are tough, and you’ve got to be tough too.

Hian. This one you are giving advice. Maybe save it for the housemates? I’m sure they need it more.

Those ones don’t know what they have signed up for oh. Leave them, let them be flexing. Biggie will soon assign them something that will set their head straight. Right now, they are eating and dining with the wildcards without even knowing.

But how could they know?

Isn’t that the point of the game? Let’s see if they will shine their eyes enough to identify who is for them and who isn’t.

Hmm. No wonder you picked fine people to be the wildcards…

Keep quiet.

I’m sorry?

Sorry for yourself. Take a good look at the housemates and tell me which one of them is not a spec. Every housemate in that house is a spec.

Hmm…

Say what you want to say, don’t be doing hmmm up and down.

Do you really think those men are a spec?

Yes. Did you not see how they broke the internet when they were being introduced? Boma and his chest; Emmanuel with the face; Niyi with the height; White Money, our very own Obi Cubana…

Scenes where Big Brother misbehaves and WhiteMoney shuts him up with a bundle of cash…

Pardon?

I said Big Brother carried eye to the market.

Yes na. What am I doing that I will not follow Big Brother to the market? These housemates drip glory. They are nobody’s ex—

By the time the house ends, they will be somebody’s ex, whether they like it or not.

That one is not my problem na. They should shine their eyes and pick someone that will not break up with them, simple as ABC.

But the men are falling our hands, sha.

What did they do?

What did they not do?

Is this about the panties and the silent prank?

See ehn!

I am already seeing, don’t tell me to see again.

No, I meant—

I get what you mean. And even me I am as surprised as you are. A bunch of grown men wearing panties on their head and doing “Shhh” to women who should enjoy their time in the house. Like, what was the reason?

And they came in with so much fierceness. Men of timber and calibre. It’s too sad to see them stoop that low to play such a prank.

Ah, good to see you are taking note too.

I wish they would shine their eyes more, sha. Like, there are two wildcards in the house with them, and I don’t think these people are doing anything to find out their identities. Like, there is an impostor among you. Arise and find them, don’t waste my money!

Oh, they are rising up to other things, believe me.

Like what?

It’s literally your territory, BBNaija Eye. Am I supposed to tell you what you already know?

Oh, oh, oh. You mean the shippers?

YES!

See, those ships will sink. First week in the house and these people are finding love? Surely you know it can’t go far. But let it not be that I’m prophesying doom.

Hmm. Oya, tell us a secret.

Which secret?

Who is your favourite housemate?

Does a mother reveal her favourite child? Instead of you to ask me who will be evicted, or whether the wildcards will be discovered, you are asking me to do pick me.

No nau. I was just…

Just focusing on the wrong things? I get it.

Okay, tell us who will be evicted.

And you seriously think I will open my mouth and say that? Clearly, you don’t know me. Anyway, let me be going. I want to go and see what those housemates are doing.

Must you go?

Okay then, entertain me.

Entertain you with what? Be going please.

Good. Just expect premium vawulence. Cause that’s what’s sure to happen this weekend.

[BBNaija Eye blinks conspiratorially].

How would you like to become a millionaire from just rooting for a #BBNaija housemate to win? Well, here is your chance! Lock-In on your favorite housemate on the MyDStv or MyGOtv app before August 2, 2021 for a chance to join the millionaire club!

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 30, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not a Part of Us”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

A small trouble is brewing in the Small Chops Association: the other members no longer want Puff-puff to be a part of them. This is difficult, considering the large quantity of Puff-puff you find in a Small Chops package.

Today on Interview With, we spoke to the members of the Small Chops Association, including Puff-puff, to hear their take on this delicate matter.

Zikoko: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Zikoko Interview With session.

Samosa: Good morning.

Spring Roll: I greet you.

Mosa: Hello, interviewer.

Chicken: Thank you for having us.

Puff-Puff: We are delighted to be here.

Samosa: This is my problem with you, Puff-Puff. Did they ask you if you were delighted or not? Just greet the interviewer and let’s keep it moving.

Spring Roll: Samosa, take it easy.

Gizzard: Anyway, I will talk. You people cannot silence me. Good morning, Oga Interviewer.

Mosa: Abebelube. Did anybody say you should not talk?

Corndog: Hello, Mr. Interviewer. It is a great pleasure to be here.

I’m sorry, but who are you?

Spring Roll: Oho! Thank God you asked too. It’s like the Association of Small Chops now admits every and anybody. We’ll be preparing for an outing, and next thing we know, one smallie from nowhere will come and say they are joining us too because they are a part of small chops. Please and please, who died and gave you invitation form to enter our circle?

Samosa: You know what’s paining me? It’s the fact that they believe that being a finger food is a legitimate reason to be part of us. That was how last month, they joined crab with us and called it small chops too. Crab that has wife and children. I sha don’t like this behaviour.

Mosa: It’s okay. You people should let Corndog explain itself.

Spring Roll: Sorry oh, Annalise Mosa. We did not know that Corndog has hired you to speak for it.

Mosa: It’s you people that know. Corndog, you too open your mouth and talk. I cannot be collecting insults for you when you have a mouth.

Corndog: Okay, thank you everyone. I am—

Chicken: [Mumbles] And what kind of name is Corndog anyway? When it’s not like you’re made of dog meat and corn.

Corndog: I—

Gizzard: Chicken, please nau. Let the poor thing talk. If Spring Roll and Samosa are interrupting it, you should not join them to participate. You are the oldest here.

Chicken: Are you age-shaming me?

Gizzard: [Under its breath] If you are not going to act your age, someone should show you.

Corndog: [Looks on in disbelief]

Chicken: Gizzard, so we have now become mates that you can talk rubbish about me? I don’t blame you, I swear. It’s because I carried myself to come and do Small Chops Association with you people. I am a major protein in these streets oh.

It’s enough! I only want to hear from Corndog now. If I don’t call your name and you talk, this interview is over.

Puff-Puff: Good.

Samosa: That is where they will see you.

Corndog: Can I continue?

Yes, please.

Corndog: I am the newest addition to the small chops family. Making me is easy. All you have to do is thread a hotdog on a stick, then dip that hot dog in batter and fry it. That’s where my name came from.

And how have you been finding the Small Chops Association?

Corndog: It’s been enjoyable so far. I try my best to keep my distance. When we are at a party, I present myself to the guests and if they like what they see, they pick me. Sometimes, people are not sure what I will taste like, but when they bite into me and taste how juicy I am, they want more.

Spring Roll: Hian. Advertisement.

Spring Roll, last warning.

Samosa: Hmm, but when Puff-Puff spoke, you did not say anything. You did as if you did not hear. Okay oh.

But wait. Do you have a problem with Puff-Puff?

Samosa and Spring Roll: YES!

Mosa: Hay God.

Gizzard: Chicken, do you—

Chicken: If I hear my name in your mouth again, I will show you that age is more than numbers.

Gizzard: Nawa oh.

Okay, Spring Roll and Samosa, what is the problem?

Spring Roll: Puff-Puff is—

Samosa: [Cuts in] It is the—

Corndog: You people should give each other a chance na.

Spring Roll: Shut up, Corn beef.

Corndog: It’s Corndog.

Samosa: Let me start.

I’m listening. The rest of you, please keep quiet.

Samosa: See, it is ITK that is killing Puff-Puff. Oversabi, the world must see me. Before we started our association, we used to respect Puff-Puff. Puff-Puff alone was enough to be called small chops. It was served at naming ceremonies, burials and even hawked. We said, see our role model.

Spring Roll: Let me continue. So, Samosa now said we should start our own Association of Small Chops. We began to hustle for invitations to parties and all. People started liking us. Next thing, Puff-Puff reduced itself in size and said, by force by fire, it must join our association.

Hmm…

Samosa: Oga Interviewer, I believe when you join somebody’s club, you stay mellow, right? Not Puff-Puff oh. It joined our association and wanted to do pass itself. You will open one small chops pack and see three Spring Rolls and three Samosas but ten pieces of Puff-Puff.

Spring Roll: And it’s not even that the Puff-Puff will be sweet. It will be small and cold and tasteless. People will now abandon the entire small chops package.

Samosa: Like, if you know you won’t serve quality when you join an association, why bother? You should have left us alone the way we are. Now, because Puff-puff has joined us, everybody now sees it as an avenue to bring everything inside Small Chops.

Spring Roll: I am telling you! You will see someone’s small chops pack and you will wonder if it’s a three course meal. Like, eat what you want to eat, don’t lie that you are eating small chops.

What are some of the things you have seen inside a small chops package that you don’t like?

Spring Roll: Crab, Titus fish, stewed beef, apple slices.

Samosa: Wait, they have started adding apple slices?

Spring Roll: Look at you, they are even putting cucumber slices too. Next thing you know, pineapple too will join, and we will not know if we are eating Small Chops or fruit salad.

Okay, okay. Puff-Puff, what do you have to say to these allegations?

Puff-Puff: I just want to—

Gizzard: Ehen! See oh—

Oya, leave this office now, Gizzard. Just wear your slippers and go.

Gizzard: What did I do?

Chicken: Don’t you understand simple English? Wear your slippers and go.

Samosa: Wait oh, are you pursuing Gizzard because of Puff-Puff?

Spring Roll: Gizzard, stay outside small. We’ll sort this out.

Puff-Puff? I’m listening to you.

Puff-Puff: I’m just going to say one thing, and I’ll leave. I did not force anybody to add me to any Small Chops Association. I am and will always remain a star in my own right. If you eat Small Chops and the Puff-Puff there is bad, please hold the person that made the Small Chops.

In other words…

Puff-Puff: What I am saying is that I’m not responsible for the misfortune of Samosa and Spring Roll. If you open a small chops package and there is more Puff-puff inside than Spring Roll and Samosa, maybe they need to check their own attitude.

Spring Roll: I shall never experience any misfortune. Please and please, watch your mouth.

Puff-puff: And if I don’t? You think because I have been keeping quiet, I don’t have things to say? Samosa, you are nothing but a dried up piece of flour. Having a triangular shape will not get you far in life. And you, Spring Roll, keep being jealous of a star. Maybe one day, when they start serving you alone, you can get to my level. For now, you will always remain beneath me.

Samosa: [Claps hands in disbelief] American wonder.

Mosa: Talk now. Shebi you people have met your match.

Puff-puff: Oh, and just a little heads-up. I hear that Akara might be joining the Association of Small Chops too. Get ready, you have a long fight ahead of you. [Walks out].

Puff-puff, wait—

Spring Roll: Wait for what?

Samosa: [Calls out after Puff-puff] As you have walked out like that, continue walking oh! We must not see you inside any Small Chops again. You ingrate.

Chicken: Will you not talk about this issue of Akara coming to join us?

Gizzard: [From the door] Can I come inside?

[Sighs] Gosh, I have a headache. All of you, please leave. This has been a lot to handle.

Corndog: Aww, we’re sorry.

Spring Roll: Oh, Puff-puff has spoken, you no longer want to hear from us, abi? It is well.

Samosa: Leave them, that is what they all do.

Mosa: Can you guys please stop?

Chicken: Annalise Mosa, you better be grateful they did not open your own file today.

Mosa: Hian. When Gizzard was dragging you through the mud, you kept quiet. It’s now me you want to attack. You better go and face Gizzard.

[Spring Roll, Samosa, Corndog, Mosa and Chicken file out].

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed By The Spirit Of Hunger?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 23, 2021

Interview With…

interview with small chops, puffpuff, small chops
Interview With Sallah Ram: “I Am Someone’s Child Too”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

During Sallah period, people are more concerned about the meat they will eat than the life of the actual animal. Today on Interview With, we decided to give a voice to the Sallah Ram community so we can understand things from their own perspective.

What’s it like being a Sallah ram? What goes through their minds as the big day approaches? This interview is an eye-opener.

Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.

Sallah Ram: Mehhh.

Ehn?

Thank you, thank you. As you have listened to me, may people listen to you too.

Er… Is that a prayer?

It’s a blessing. At this point, you should not disregard my words. If the words of a dying man are valuable, can you imagine how powerful the words of a dying Sallah ram will be?

Oh wow. You sound so cool about it.

What else do you want me to do? Should I get up and fight my owners? If my destiny is to end up inside a pot of stew or to become asun, let me just collect it and go. There is no point trying to change it.

Besides, recent events have shown that cows are more likely to end up in higher positions of power while rams remain forgotten, only to be brought out during Sallah.

Who put cows in positions of power?

If you are still asking me that question at this stage of your life, then something is wrong with you.

No, I was just—

Oh, so you want to say you did not hear that the government is planning to create a database for cows?

Wait a minute, I’ll be sharing NIN with cow?

Oho. The database will include information about who owns them, where they come from, what type of cows they are, etc.

Imagine hearing that kind of news when you are putting your life in order because the only news you are preparing for is what date Sallah falls on. That kind of thing will break your heart, I tell you. It’s like a confirmation that you are not rated at all. I mean, I know you only want me for Sallah and you want cows every other day. But can you not make it so obvious? I am trying to write my will before Sallah so I can know who will inherit my bed.

Ehya.

The whole thing is annoying. No animal is greater than the other, that’s what I believe. But recent events have shown me and my homegirls that cows are definitely greater than all of we rams.

Why were we not invited to Anambra this weekend, for instance? And yet cows got invitations.

What’s going on in Anambra this weekend?

Ah, it’s a whole party oh. Let me gist you. Obi Cubana’s mother died and—

Wait, wait, who is Obi Cubana?

Just focus on the gist.

Okay, okay.

Ehen, so Obi Cubana’s mother died and they are doing the burial in Anambra. When we heard, we started preparing na, as per they will come and pick us to grace the occasion. Some of us were even happy that we would at least see Anambra before we die. The bus came oh, and we already lined up to enter. They just ignored us and started putting cows inside. Up to 246 cows, and no single ram.

Not even one! We had to hide our heads in shame. If that is not partial treatment, then I don’t know what to call it. Anyway, we are back to focusing on Sallah.

Wow. That’s a lot.

I tell you.

Can I ask you something personal?

Yes na.

What goes through your mind when you are about to be killed?

MY BROTHER, IT IS PLENTY!

See, this is something I did not mention earlier. Life as a ram means that all I do with my life is based around Sallah. If I decide to fall in love, I do it bearing in mind that when Sallah comes, that romance will end in tears. This is why it’s better to not have emotional attachments. Just bump genitals and keep it moving.

Life advice from a Sallah Ram?

Take it or leave it.

Some readers would appreciate it.

If I decide to bear children too, I know I’ll have to say goodbye to them by Sallah. Friendships, acquaintances, they all end when Sallah comes. All our lives, we spend it preparing for Sallah.

And are you always prepared when Sallah actually comes?

Is anyone ever prepared for death? When they are about to put that knife to my neck, I think, “So this is the point of life? I’m just here to provide nutrition to other people? For real? Like, the whole point of my life is to be fried and added to Jollof rice? Wow, Auzu billahi. What a way to tell me you don’t rate me.”

Have you tried negotiating a better ending for yourself?

As what, please? Somebody’s groomsman?

No, no. I was asking if you have spoken to animal rights activists or something.

[Sallah Ram bursts out laughing]

In this Nigeria? Animal rights activists sef dey find nutrition. I’ll go there to state my case, next thing I know, they are petting me. In one minute, I have fallen asleep. The next time I open my eyes, I am in heaven. What is now my gain? Why not kuku wait till Sallah?

In fact, I doubt if animal rights activists exist in Nigeria. Have you people finished fighting for your human rights that you now want to carry animal rights on your head? Imagine you waking up one day and saying you want to start fighting for the rights of a ram. They will look at you and ask, “Right to do what, please?”

Okay, okay, but what would you like to say to people?

I don’t have much to say. I just want to tell them that they should treat me decently. I am somebody’s child too. That I am providing you nutrition does not mean you will do me anyhow.

Do you anyhow as how?

See ehn, some people will buy me and tie me down before Sallah. Give me proper food, they won’t. Only grass. And I’m just there thinking, “Habeeb, if it was only grass they have been feeding me all this while, would you find any meat on my body? Would you be attracted to me enough to buy me and keep? Have you even seen the state of my body?”

As if that one is not enough, some people will carry me to go and fight someone else’s ram. I just look at them and think, “Tell me, Kazeem, what exactly is your problem in this life? If you want to fight, why not carry your siblings and ask them to start attacking each other? And if you don’t have siblings, please remove your jellabiya and enter Ojuelegba. Somebody will definitely give you that fight you are so desperate for.”

I—

Sorry for the long rant. I just figured I had to say it. If I’m going to be slaughtered in a few days time, I might as well get some things off my chest.

Anyway, I have to go now. I need to finish writing my will so I don’t leave my children desolate when I leave this world.

Ehya. May your soul rest in peace.

And you too.

No thanks.

Ahan, you don’t want to rest in peace?

Not now, please.

Okay, whenever you choose, may your soul rest in peace.

I rebuke you.

Okay, fine. May you not rest in peace.

You know what?

What?

You actually deserve to be slaughtered for Sallah.

[Zikoko and Sallah Ram attack each other]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Also read:

Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed By The Spirit Of Hunger?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 16, 2021

Interview With…

Humour, Sallah meat, sallah ram
Interview With Lai Mohammed’s Cap: “I Am Not Like My Oga”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigeria’s Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on Nairaland made a thread of top 50 lies he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.

The cap reached out to Zikoko for an interview so it could clear its name. Let’s just say that things didn’t go the way we expected them to.

Zikoko: Hello.

Lai Mohammed’s Cap: It’s good to see you.

That one is your business.

Ahan, why?

Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.

I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people’s office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I’m missing.

Alright, start.

First of all, I didn’t choose this life. It chose me.

That is what you all say.

Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone’s head.

I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.

Chai!

Yes, he’s a politician, but that’s not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?

Go on.

They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.

You don’t mean it.

Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap?

Hmm.

I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I’m lying.

But wait oh.

Yes?

You are changing the story here, please.

As how?

People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes—

A liar?

I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.

So what does he become?

An editor of true events…

See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.

Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart.

This cap, you are lying.

Ehn?

Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.

So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?

Yes.

Oya prove it.

We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…

Okay…

But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.

That’s the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.

My point is, you too, you are responsible.

Responsible for what?

Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.

I-

That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.

Hmm. I see you don’t like the truth.

We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.

In that case, you must pay.

Pay for what?

For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?

Very good. [Begins to dial a number]

Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.

Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don’t ban you, call me a bastard.

Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.

Hello Daddy Lai. It’s me, your cap. I’m at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.

Ah, I did not say that oh.

Their address? It is at Number-

[Zikoko runs away.]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 9, 2021

Interview With…

Humour, Lai Mohammed, Lai Mohammed's Cap, satire
Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed By the Spirit of Hunger?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Food is an important part of our lives. We need food to survive. But despite the good work it does, Food has been accused of a grave crime by Nigerian men who believe that Food is responsible for their relationship problems.

Today on Interview With, we decided to speak with Food to find out how it feels about this allegation.

Zikoko: It’s great to have you here.

Food: [Yawns] Thank you for inviting me to talk.

You sound tired. Is everything good?

Food: I want to lie and say I’m fine, but believe me, I am far from being fine. With everything that I am currently passing through, “fine” is not a word I can use to describe how I feel.

That’s concerning. What are you going through? Care to share?

Food: Is that a rhetorical question?

As in?

Food: You are a Nigerian and you are asking what I am going through. My dear, I am going through a severe condition called Nigeria.

The symptoms are even more serious than COVID. And this is the worst part, you don’t know you have it until you leave the country or something happens that opens your eyes to your condition.

But you didn’t travel out of the country, did you?

Food: Even if I didn’t, I have siblings that are abroad and their lives are not this difficult. They are not scarce or expensive, they are just there, doing good for humanity. But see me here, ordinary lockdown and some people carried cartons of Indomie and went to hide them underground.

What kind of generational hunger will affect you so bad that you will think to hide Indomie with padlock and key? Indomie that they are selling one for ₦50.

Don’t judge them. Remember Indomie used to be two for ₦50…

Food: Zikoko, please, let me judge them. You people should stop waiting for God to judge things on judgement day. My body is peppering me right now.

You say we should not judge them, but now Nigerian men have become bold. Tell me, when will the judgement begin?

Wait oh. What did Nigerian men do? How did they enter the equation?

Food: Let me adjust my bumbum properly on this chair so I can fully curse the curse I have in my head.

Please, we don’t use to curse in our office. You don’t know which angel is passing.

Food: Then tell the angel to wear a bonnet so their head will not carry a curse that does not belong to them.

Ah, this thing pained you really bad oh.

Food: If it’s you, will it not pain you? You are on your own, feeding people and doing the good that you came to this life to do, and some people are out there saying you are the one that destroyed their relationship.

I am an ordinary pot of stew, Femi. How did I destroy your romantic relationship with Chisom?

Not Femi again. What is wrong with this guy?!

Food: No, no, no. It’s not only Femi oh, it’s like 80% of Nigerian men. Femi is just the go-to name for transfer of aggression. And frankly, they deserve it. 62% of Femis will serve all forms of affliction. You will think you are dating them, but you realise that they are a community tap, and you are just one of the people they are releasing water for.

But wait first. How do you know these numbers? What is the source of your statistics?

Food: I made it up in my head.

Um, statistics doesn’t work that way—

Food: Isn’t that how Nigerian men also make up numbers to support whatever they have said? Leave me, let me practice my Nigerian men audacity, please.

Oh, so it’s tit for tat now…

Food: I’m not tit for tat-ing anything with Nigerian men, abeg. They should enter their kitchen and learn how to cook me before they come out and do tit for tat.

Look, Nigerian men may lack everything, but they have two things in abundance. Number one is audacity. The audacity of Nigerian men is like crude oil: it is a natural resource.

So what is the second thing they have in abundance?

Food: Hunger. Ah, the way Nigerian men demand food, you would think they were sent out of heaven without food.

Not all men…

Food: I said what I said, please. Are Nigerian men possessed with the spirit of hunger? I have every reason to believe they are.

Tell me, why else will you see a man coming online to say he cannot marry a woman that cannot cook for him?

Oga, maybe you should worry about the poverty will cook your destiny before you worry about that plate of concoction rice you want to direct inside your mouth.

No, but—

Food: But what? A man that cannot make pap is coming to demand for Afang soup. First of all, where are your fangs?

Not you dropping bars. Come through, Nicki Minaj from Calabar!

Food: Learn to cook, they will say no, men don’t belong to the kitchen. Okay now. When hunger strikes you like thunder, we will see if you will not collect visa and become a citizen of that kitchen.

I—

Food: Sorry I’m ranting. This has just been a lot for me. I bottled it inside and sais I would not talk, but each time someone comes and says I am the reason why his feminist girlfriend has chosen to flog him with the whip of hunger, I boil internally. Like, I am nothing but a bag of raw rice. How can I be the cause of your tribulation?

We should all be feminists.

Food: And even with all of this, there are those women who will come and say, “Me I can cook oh.” A man can post, “Oh, I cannot marry a woman who cannot grind with stone,” and you will see a number of women in the comments section posing with their family grinding stone.

Like, my good sis, I love you and I want you to want better for yourselves. Even if you will bring out grinding stone, let it be because you want to treat your tastebuds specially, not because Femi from Obalende wants to eat fresh stew. The only thing Femi can cook is two packets of underground Indomie with carrots and sausages. Tell him to make four packets and you will eat pepper soup noodles that will purge you for three days straight.

This is a lot.

Food: I had to let it out. Sorry.

But what is the way out of all of this?

Food: Hunger. That’s the only way out.

Ahan, did you not just say Nigerian men are suffering from a case of chronic hunger?

Food: Yes. And that hunger is the solution. Let women arise in all nations and peg their boyfriends with the plug of hunger. We will see if men will not enter the kitchen then. They will watch cooking videos on YouTube and emerge as a new creature.

Right now, they are fighting to become the generation of men who will cross their legs while their wife is in the kitchen, slaving away to prepare fresh stew for their man. And I will not open my two eyes and let that happen.

Hmm. Any other advice for the women?

Food: Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary, the Nigerian man, walketh about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

But what about the men who know how to cook? Any advice for them?

Food: Therefore, my beloved brethren who know how to cook, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of preparing food, forasmuch as ye know that your labour in the kitchen is not in vain.

Hian.

[Food rolls out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 2, 2021

Interview With…

Food, Humour, relationship problems
Interview With TechCabal: “Have You Seen My New Look?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

A little backstory: Tech Cabal and Zikoko are sisters. One considers herself hip and trendy, the other considers herself cool yet trendy. And then, one of them (read the interview to know who) got a complete makeover.

In today’s episode of Interview With, both sisters have their day. This is the Zikoko x TechCabal cross over you have been waiting for. Believe me, it is pure chaos.

Zikoko: Hello baby sis.

TC: Is this one okay? Who is your baby sis? Anyway, I don’t blame you. If not for people that are taking your quizzes, who are you?

At least they are taking my quizzes. Does Google recognise you?

TC: Africans everywhere read me. Talk another thing.

Is that why you rebranded? You want to compete with me, isn’t it?

TC: Day after day, you prove to me why I am your elder sister. Does rebranding mean competition? Besides sef, why will I compete with you when there is New York Times, for example.

Oshey, aspire to Pakistan. Anyway, now that you have been redesigned, what is your new name?

TC: So if a person undergoes cosmetic surgery, does that mean their name has changed? Explain your thinking, if any, abeg.

Hian. Oya, introduce yourself then. At least let Zikoko people know you.

TC: I don’t need introduction, please. I am TechCabal. Everyone already knows me.

This your confidence level is high oh. You think Nigerians read tech stories?

TC: Of course they do. And not only Nigerians, Africans all over the world do too. Why do you think so poorly of your fellow Africans?

Abeg oh. I am an African publication telling African stories. Mind your speech and stop your rubbish agenda.

TC: Anyway sha, Africans read tech news, and that’s why I exist. I have been in existence for over seven years now. They keep me going. Every day, I serve high-quality articles, reports and expert opinions on innovations and technologies that are shaping Africa. It’s not just news about Flutterwave and Paystack that people are searching for. People want to know about innovation and technology, and I am here to bridge that gap.

Come through, Third Mainland Bridge!

TC: Behave yourself.

But wait first. How do you serve these high-quality articles? What is your mode of operation?

TC: People like me because even if tech isn’t their thing, all they need to do is read one of my stories and they are hooked. You don’t need code to decode me. You get?

I wish I didn’t.

TC: [sigh] These Gen Zs.

Sorry oh, Ancient of days.

TC: Well that’s not all. I also serve a newsletter from Mondays to Fridays. It’s called TC Daily. That one contains a round-up of tech news from around Africa. Every weekday at 7 a.m., it lands in people’s inboxes. I want people to think of it as a part of their morning routine: wake up, brush your teeth, then read TC Daily.

Ahan, hard worker. Osinbajo no work reach you.

TC: Stop mentioning the poor man’s name. His hands are tied.

Alleged rare footage of Osibanjo leaked from the Aso Rock CCTV camera.

Anyway, let me keep quiet. I don’t want to hear that TechCabal has been banned from operating in Nigeria.

Bold of you to think I won’t enjoy that.

TC: You’ve always been a hater, Zikoko. And you are one of the reasons why I felt the need for this cosmetic surgery. I need to differentiate myself from you. Let people enter TechCabal’s website and shout, “See beauty!”

Beauty without brain is kuku vanity…

TC: And that’s where you fail again. You think I will redesign my website without offering good content? I’m not TrikkyTee, please. I am Ka3na and Erica rolled into one. Content overload.

LMAO not you —

TC: Shut up and learn. I now have a dark mode feature for people that enjoy browsing with dark screens.

I also now have a page dedicated to reports and stories. You know, as an organised baddie that I am.

Tech Cabal Thee Stallion!

TC: It is you that will be a stallion in Jesus name. What kind of foolish description is that? Why will you call me a male horse?

I was literally referencing Megan Thee Stallion. The babe that sang Savage.

TC: Oh.

Millennials…

TC: You could have called me Celine Dion. I know that one.

Ayway, if you want to watch any of Tech Cabal videos, you can access it on the website directly, not just on our social media pages. And who knows, maybe I can speak to my people to upload a video of Megan Thee Stanbic.

Thee Stallion…

TC: Na you sabi. So far as Megan is there.

Interesting. This your rebrand is on point oh.

TC: If you have to do something, do it well. That’s my belief. In this new website, every flagship has been categorised properly. Now, readers won’t have any problems finding them. Everything is easy and right.

Mad oh. Oya, recommend a column you think I’ll like. Let me see if your hype is legit.

TC: You like new things, so I’ll recommend The Backend.

Which one is that one?

TC: The series is where where we walk you through tech products on the continent. If you are interested in learning about tech products on the continent, you should—

God forbid column without money. Abeg oh. I have suffered for 19 years. I want to shake this Zikoko ass on a Yacht.

TC: Then you should read Centre Stage. We talk about the brightest minds who are working behind the scenes in Africa’s tech and—

It’s like you are not getting me. Tech Cabal, WHERE ARE THE TECH BROS?!

TC: Ah, you should have talked since na. Omo, they are in My Life In Tech oh. That series shares the stories of Africans making great strides in the world of tech. You learn—

It’s enough. I need to go.

TC: Go where?

Go-a-fishing, of course. You think this ass will shake by itself without external funding by tech bros?

Zikoko in Tech Bros’ dms.

TC: Since I was born, and now I am getting older, I have never met a shameless person like you.

When I’m on a yacht in Dubai, shaking everything in a thong, we’ll see who will be shameful then.

TC: You’re literally the letter Z. Where will the thong enter?

And you are shaped like T & C. Jealousy doesn’t look good on you.

TC: You know what, I think I should go. This interview is clearly a bad idea.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

To read more TechCabal, start here: FK Abudu’s aspirations transcend her Twitter influence

Kunle Ologunro

June 25, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With BBNaija Eye: “Nothing Is Hidden”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The BBNaija Reunion is back and the former housemates are serving premium drama and hot shade. Very soon, fanbases might have to renew their membership cards.

On today’s episode of Interview With, we spoke with the BBNaija Eye about the level of chaos that is bound to come.

Zikoko: Hello, we are so happy to have you here today.

BBN Eye: Are you sure you are happy to have me?

Hmm. You have come again.

BBN Eye: Which one is “you have come again”? Is it that you’re not happy to see me or what?

Well… you have come back to shake things up. When you were not around, everywhere was quiet.

I have seen a lot of people who are seriously expecting me. They keep asking when BBNaija will be back, all because they know I’ll show them all the secret things I am seeing as the BBNaija eye. Why is it now peppering your body?

Even if I will be jealous of something, will it now be ordinary eye?

BBN Eye: If you know the kinds of things I see, then you’ll know you have every reason to be jealous.

I was the first to witness Erica’s beauty in real life oh. The Neo that you people are dying for, I saw his chest first.

Well, we saw him washing pant on DStv. You cannot brag about that one.

BBN Eye: Ordinary pant washing, that’s what you are excited about? Clearly your priorities are not aligned.

We saw Lucy’s stove thread too abeg.

BBN Eye: What stove thread? You mean her hair extensions?

Ehn? It’s not thread for stove? I thought…

BBN Eye: Cho-cho-cho will not kill you. Focus and see. There was Eric and Lilo acting like Jack and Rose from Orile Agege. Romance everywhere. Indomie noodles was the side chick that threatened to tear them apart.

We thank God for faithfulness.

Oh and there was Ka3na the Boss Lady.

The one who got a throwpillow and frame from her fans?

Yes. The fan love is too much. She hugged one guy and he said he would not shower because he just received a life-changing hug.

Osanobua.

You didn’t see that one, abi? Well surely, you must have learned the difference between mental attraction and physical attraction, right?

Ah, yes, yes. God bless Laycon, Erica, and Kiddwaya for that wonderful education.

Oho. Despite all of this, it’s pant washing and stove thread you saw. Nawa for you oh. There is more to BBN than Nengi’s wig cap, TolaniBaj’s bonnet, or Ozo’s bum shorts. Just look deeper and you’ll see beyond the durags and the nightly semo that Brighto turns.

Omo.

BBN Eye: With all this entertaining vawulence I give you, some people will come and accuse me of promoting immorality and indecency. Oya, shebi I gave you space…

Maybe we should call immorality and indecency to ask them if you people have any business together.

BBN Eye: Go ahead, please. Shebi you have the phone number of immorality and indecency, abi? Anyway, it’s you Zikoko people. Your weekly supply of craze is always full tank.

If you want to talk to me, talk to me directly. Don’t go through the corners.

BBN Eye: That one is even your own personal cup of tea. Buy bread and soak it inside.

But let me say this loud and clear: I know that people will come out to say BBN is distracting the youths. But when I was away, shebi they accused you people of riding Buhari.

Ride what? Where? When? How?

BBN Eye: They said you people want to ride our dear Bubu to death.

Hmm. He’s probably enjoying it.

BBN Eye: Is it until they send DSS to lock your office abi? I did not follow you to say that one oh. Daddy BuBu, see me sir, my hands are clean oh.

Forget it.

BBN Eye: [rolls eyes] Anywayyyyy, they said you people want to ride Daddy Bubu to death, that’s why I said, let me come out and give you people something else to work on.

Don’t thank me. It’s my contribution to making the world a better place.

How did you know I was about to thank you?

BBN Eye: I saw it already. Have you forgotten I’m the Big Brother Eye? Why else do you think Big Brother is watching? Nothing is hidden.

Oshey, over raw best in seeing. Abeg, can you see my future for me?

BBN Eye: Bold of you to assume I can see what is not there.

Blood of Jesus. I will blind you today.

[BBN Eye rolls out before I can kill it with slippers]

The BBNaija Lockdown Reunion show airs Mondays through to Fridays at 10pm on Africa Magic Urban and 10.30pm on Africa Magic Family, with an omnibus every Tuesday from midnight till 4am.

Headline sponsor: @abeg.app and Associate sponsor: @patricia.com.ng

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

Kunle Ologunro

June 22, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

The Nigerian government has banned Twitter in Nigeria, and of course, it looks like Adamu Garba’s time to aggressively market Crowwe has come. Nigerians are officially experiencing a pandemic in the middle of a pandemic.

Today on Interview With, we sat with the Twitter Bird to hear what it has to say concerning the whole brouhaha.

Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.

Twitter Bird: Is it though?

Isn’t it? Omo, you better collect the accolades you can get.

Twitter Bird: And why should I? Besides, what accolades are you even speaking of?

You are a celebrity in your own small way oh. An ordinary bird that is capable of throwing the entire presidency into chaos.

Twitter Bird: If Lai Mohammed or Bashir Ahmad find out I am here, I have every reason to believe they will have me caged. But that is their own problem. Me I know why the caged bird sings.

Come through Maya Angelou!

Twitter Bird: *chirp chip*

That is if Adamu Garba does not come after you with a catapult first.

Twitter Bird: But whatever did I do to Adamu Garba? Why won’t he leave me be? First, he came for Jack, but he received no response. That was pathetic to watch. A grown man with a wife and children, orchestrating a lawsuit, giving press conferences and threatening someone who barely has his time. This is giving Piers Morgan vs Meghan Markle energy, but this time Adamu Garba is Piers Morgan and Jack Dorsey is Meghan Markle. I imagine Adamu Garba will throw a fit when he hears Jack Dorsey is getting married…

I don’t get it though. Is it by force? And is he not ashamed of fighting with shadows? I wanted to deploy the Association of Angry Birds, Nigerian branch, to fight him, but Jack said I should chill.

Wait oh. There’s an Association of Angry Birds?

Twitter Bird: Why did you think the Remembrance Day pigeons that Buhari released refused to fly?

Ah, so that was you!

Twitter Bird: We do what little we can.

But do you really think you are spoiling Adamu Garba’s market though?

Twitter Bird: Tell Adamu Garba to rest. Even if I was not in the picture, that market is already spoilt. How can you call an app Crowwe? Did fancy names go out of existence? I mean, judge it too. There is Instagram—such a chic name. There is Twitter, so reasonable. Facebook, so appealing. But Crowwe? Crowwe?? Did he get his inspiration from a tin of Three Crowns milk?

Haba nau. Are you saying Adamu Garba is incapable of…

Twitter Bird: The facts speak for themselves. He copied Spotify’s Terms and Conditions. Listen, that man’s biological make-up is missing one key ingredient and that is Vitamin S.

What is Vitamin S?

Twitter Bird: Sense, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Ah! Talk small-small oh. Don’t let Zikoko use employee salary to pay bail.

Twitter Bird: They should use it to buy a power bank so you can charge your phone properly. Isn’t the VPN draining your battery?

* deep exhausted negro sigh *

Twitter Bird: Don’t worry, your leaders are using VPN too.

Ehn? Come again.

Twitter Bird: Should I show you proof?

Ah.

Twitter Bird: Why are you shocked? Your leaders will ban something publicly but will go and enjoy it in private. Wasn’t the Kano Hisbah leader allegedly caught committing adultery? The same man who banned alcohol.

Omo, that one was a slip of penis.

Twitter Bird: And how about the Malami who said he would prosecute anyone found using Twitter but also accessed Twitter with a VPN? What would you call that, a slip of location?

You don’t mean it.

Twitter Bird: He even has a crypto app. Hasn’t Emefiele banned crypto? See, all the government officials who deactivated their accounts will come back.

Hmm. Don’t be too sure oh. Our leaders are talk and do.

Twitter Bird: Of course they are talk and do, even though they say foolish things and do equally foolish things. Anyway, wait until it is time for them to beg for ventilators from the US. Just wait and see how their Twitter accounts will magically reappear.

You this bird, you have a bad mouth. Ahan! Must you say everything?

Twitter Bird: I see a lot of Nigerians hoping for a giveaway. Frankly, I don’t blame them. Your leaders have laid a good example. If they can beg for ventilator giveaway, why should their citizens not expect giveaways too?

Train up a child in the way he should go and when he grows he shall not depart from it.

Oya come and be going. I cannot stay here and watch you insult my people.

Twitter Bird: I’ll go. But tell your government that they cannot shut me down and expect me not to talk. I will #KeepItOn.

Oh and tell Lai Mohammed that his own day of reckoning is coming.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”

Kunle Ologunro

June 11, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With The Ghosts Of Lord Lugard & Flora Shaw

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

There are a lot of things going on in Nigeria today. The NYSC DG has been reported saying that corpers might be mobilised for war, and as if that is not enough, the House of Representatives received a proposal to change Nigeria’s name to United African Republic (UAR).

Today on Interview With, we decided to summon the ghosts of Lord Lugard and Flora Shaw, the two people who got us into this mess that is Nigeria. It’s time for them to answer for their crimes.

Zikoko: Hello!

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Good day to you.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: It’s good to see you.

Um, I’m not sure I can say the same.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Oh no, why?

In fact, I don’t even think I can say it’s good to have you here.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: What’s going on lad?

Too many things are going on. But let’s focus on two of them.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Okay…

First of all. I may have done it this time. You people are ghosts and I know I have tampered with the spiritual realm.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Oh come off it. That doesn’t matter.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: What he said.

Number two issue is that many people do not wish you well.

The Nigerian contract was void ab initio, and Lord Lugard will never Rest In Peace!
— Wuby with the good hair. (@kinkywuby) May 28, 2021

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: [Gasps] Oh no! Whatever did we do?

Ahan, is it me you are asking?

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Oi, what’s the matter? Why do people not wish us well?

Not you asking me what the matter is. You too, do you wish yourself well?

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Is this about Nigeria?

Thank God you know.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Listen, the amalgamation was necessary. It was a matter of national importance, and I was looking for a way to bring everyone together.

Nobody is arguing that with you oh.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: I came to the country to foster development, progress and—

Oya, where is that development and progress?

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: I—

Point it out, many people want to see.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: It’s not something that can be—

Aunty Flora, please hold it. Just hold it there. Why did you join Niger Area to become Nigeria?

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: I saw an opportunity to create a unique name out of the elements available in the region, and I sat at my table to come up with something befitting of the mass of talents and potential that the new Nigeria is bound to have.

Clap for yourself.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Excuse me?

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: He’s proud of you, so he said you should clap for yourself.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: [Beams in excitement] Yes!

I don’t like insulting ghosts, but the both of you deserve each other.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Well…

Are you now aware that Nigeria is about to be named UAR?

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: United Arab Republic?

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Oh no! Whatever happened to the name I chose? Beautiful Nigeria, melodious Nigeria.

Because Lord lugard's side chick gave us the name "Nigeria", we are now trying to change it to United African republic at a time where Nigeria is anything but United.
— ELDER (@elderr_x) June 2, 2021

Now, we are about to be called United African Republic. Can you see what you have turned us into?

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: This cannot stand!

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Something needs to be done!

Very good. That’s why I summoned you. If we are not at ease in Nigeria, you people too cannot rest in peace.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: That has really been difficult to do. Every day, people keep calling our names and heaping curses upon us.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: [Raises up her hair] See, all my edges are gone. They were snatched by the consistent dragging from Nigerians. Tell us, what can we do to stop this? How can we rest in peace?

Very simple. Arise and go and haunt our leaders.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: What?

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Honey, let him finish.

When they are about to make a foolish law, scare them back into their senses.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Flora, are you noting this down?

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Yes, yes I am.

When the president decides to go on another world tour to promote his album, make it flop.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: Yes, yes.

Scare him into speaking to his people.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Yes, yes.

Scare him into sitting his bumbum at home, in his country, where he begged people to vote for him.

Flora Shaw’s Ghost: That’s easy.

Good. Do this and you shall rest in peace.

Lord Lugard’s Ghost: Yes, yes.

If not, the curses shall continue till eternity.

Lord Lugard and Flora Shaw’s Ghosts: [They nod their heads and float out of the room.]

Read next:

Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

June 4, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With H-Factor: “When Will Yoruba People Haccept Me?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

When you hear of H-Factor, your mind automatically goes to a particular Nigerian tribe and its people. Today, we decided to sit and speak with H and have them explain why they are so powerful and unavoidable.

This is Interview With H-Factor.

Zikoko: Can we meet you?

H-Factor: Oh there’s not so much to know about me. I’m just an ordinary letter H that Yoruba people have given a lot of power.

Um, could you please explain?

I am usually summoned when certain words are pronounced as if they had ‘h‘ in them. This would have been a nice thing oh, but the problem is that ‘h’ is now removed from the words that begin with ‘h’. Which is why, Can her hair earn her an A will become Can er hair hearn her han A?

I won’t even lie, Yoruba people are the ones who fall victim the most.

Is there a reason for this?

I think its because there’s no “H” in the Yoruba language so they try to compensate one way or the other.

I see…

But again, many of them try to form phonee, and because I know their background, I intentionally appear to disgrace them. Imagine Mufutau from Abeokuta trying to sound like he is an American stranded in Nigeria. Mufutau that went to Kobomoje Nursery and Primary School? I cannot stand for that kind of deception, please. Immediately such kind of a person opens their mouth to form any kind of suprisupri English like this, I manifest. Yam and egg becomes Yam and hegg. I hate her becomes I ate her.

Be who you ha, Mufutau. Be proud of your eritage.

https://twitter.com/meedahsf/status/1395648715331878915

But…

There are no buts. You play sneaky games, you win sneaky prizes. I see a lot of you people trying to imitate foreigners. How come you ignore their own factors? French people have R-factor, but you will open Duolingo and be doing Garçon, garçon. Why did you not laugh at them?

You that grew up in Omole, you want to sound whiter than the whites. Oya nau, go ahead let me be watching you.

So what you’re saying is that…

Dear Yorubas, accept your H-Factor in peace and be proud of it. Haccept it.
— ‘Tunde Omotoye (@TundeTASH) May 22, 2021

You people should embrace whatever factor you have, please. Haccept it. Don’t attempt to sound whiter than white. Otherwise I will keep on appearing and disgracing you.

Ah…

It’s not as if I’m wicked oh, but Yoruba people got what they wished for. They are the ones who shout “Ha” on every single thing and each time they do that, I enter their life bit by bit until the day of reckoning.

What is the day of reckoning?

That is when I appear in flesh and blood. The day of reckoning manifests in different ways for different people. For some people, it is when they become drunk that I tumble out of their mouth. “One bottle of Eineken!”

For some others, it is when they are trying to impress their crush. I can even make them spoil their own names. “I, my name is Hadeola.” And just like that, true love is gone from them.

And you don’t think this is wicked?

No. Hide me too much and I’ll jump out to destroy everything you have worked for.

That’s all.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

May 28, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

H factor, speech, yoruba
Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Naira notes are an important part of being Nigerian. After all, we use them in exchange for goods and services. But there has been a lot of talk surrounding them. There’s the reduction in value, as well as the claim that they are simply weak, not useless.

Today on Interview With, the Naira notes tell us how life has been for them.

Zikoko: Hello, we are so glad to have you with us today.

₦500: Thank you.

₦200: It’s nothing.

₦5: We are also—

₦100: Keep quiet. Let the adults talk first before you put mouth.

₦10: Ahan, that is too much. ₦5 has been in circulation for 48 years. At least consider that.

₦200: Okay, we agree. But can it buy one sachet of water today?

₦100: Even the ₦10 that is doing lawyer, what can it buy?

₦10: I can—

₦50: I don’t know why ₦10 and ₦5 like arguing sha. When it’s not like we are collecting award.

₦20: Even if they will share award, is it our type they are looking for?

₦1,000: Can this interview continue or should I stand up and go? I have important places to be.

Sorry. Let’s get back on track.

₦500: Please and please oh, from now on. Let the adults talk before the small-small ones put mouth.

Actually, I think—

₦20: When you say small-small ones, who are you referring to? Since you want to prove seniority, kuku call their names, let everybody know where they belong.

₦10: Toh. Cause the last time I checked, me, ₦20, and ₦10 are the oldest here. We have been in circulation for 48 years. ₦50 has been around for 30 years. ₦100 is 22 years old and ₦200 is 21. You, ₦500, you are just 20 years old. And ₦1,000 that is talking about important places is just ₦16 years old.

So when you say small-small ones, maybe you should look in the mirror first.

₦200: I swear, all this is not necessary.

₦100: It is necessary, please. I cannot stand here and be insulted by people that are not useful in the market. You people are shouting that you are older. But what exactly can you buy?

Is 5 naira even worth the paper it's printed on anymore?
— Wosh vs The World (@Tarfism) May 18, 2021

Gone are those days when children used to appreciate ₦5 dash. Give any child ₦5 or ₦10 now and they will curse you. If your change remains ₦10 in a supermarket, they will just give you sweet and tell you bye-bye. ₦20 that is even struggling, people are already complaining about your association with ₦50 when it’s time to buy soft drinks.

https://twitter.com/AAdejiire/status/1372462212615389185

And now, soft drink has now become ₦150, which means if you are not careful, you will soon join ₦5, ₦10 and ₦20 to be fighting for age. It is when you have nothing else to offer that you start fighting for age.

That is… a lot.

₦100: Sometimes, you need to put people where they belong.

₦1,000: Something is smelling. [Sniffs the air]

Oh. What could that be?

₦200: I’m wearing perfume, so it’s not me.

₦5: I’ve not gone out in months, so it’s not me.

₦10: Same.

₦50: I’m new, so it’s not me.

₦1,000: Something is smelling really bad.

Should I get the air freshener?

₦500: Please do.

₦1,000: Ah, never mind. I just remembered that ₦100 is sitting next to me. It’s the torn and dirty note.

₦5: Oops.

₦100: Are you—

₦1,000: Please endeavour to bathe and apply perfume next time. We know you are suffering, but you don’t have to look dirty all the time. Isn’t that why the Central Bank gave you a makeover?

₦20: LMAO. May we not defend people that will disgrace us.

₦50: My dear!

₦100: But is it my fault that Nigerians don’t know how to handle money?

₦1,000: Maybe if you were more valuable, they would handle you with care.

₦5: Ye. Double homicide!

Can I ask a very honest question?

₦1,000: Have you been asking dishonest questions?

Would you refer to yourself as weak or useless?

₦1,000: Did ₦100 pay you to insult me?

No oh, I’m just asking generally. They said we should stop saying that the naira is useless, that it is just weak.

₦500: Who are the “they”?

₦200: E reach to ask.

Best in CV, Ogbeni Dipo.

https://twitter.com/OgbeniDipo/status/1374330396243021825

₦1,000: Mtcheew.

₦200: [Bursts into laughter]

₦500: Weak and useless, what is the difference? If something is weak, is it still useful?

₦5: See ehn!

₦500: LOL. ₦5 please. You are a combination of weak and useless. Don’t even argue.

₦1,000: Listen to me, Mr Interviewer. Everything you see like this, it’s packaging. I can only make mouth when I am in Nigeria. If other currencies come to this interview, I will keep shut because I know my level. Is it Dollars I want to compete with or Pounds? Where is the strength?

Even Nigeria that I am in sef, if you remove ₦100 out of me, I have become useless. So what is the point? I know there is power in the tongue oh, but when it comes to naira notes, please and please, that power has changed hands.

So, are you saying—

₦1,000: If OgbeniDipo wants to change our life, let us all assemble to him so he can design our CV for us. Maybe when the foreign market sees our CV and see that Ogbeni Dipo has a hand in it, we will stop being devalued.

₦200: And if he thinks words of affirmation can change our value, he should tell us where to come and meet him.

₦100: You guys, I think—

₦500: My dear, your own case is different. It will take more than words of affirmation and power of the tongue to change your life.

₦100: I hate—

₦5: Rest.

Is there a reason why you have refused to associate with Nigerians? People are looking for you.

₦20: [Mumbles]

You said?

₦20: I said even the president has refused to associate with you people. What is now our own?

₦50: Does Buhari even remember that he is the president of this country?

₦100: Will you go and remind him?

₦50: Please and please, don’t shout at me. Face the ₦1,000 that insulted you.

Guys, please. Streets are tough. Constable Sapa is in town.

₦1,000: Who or what is Constable Sapa?

₦200: Poverty plus hunger.

₦1,000: That is Sapa’s cup of tea.

₦500: You people should not disturb us, please. We are processing our visa applications.

You don’t mean it.

₦100: I heard you guys are going to Canada. I don’t know if I can join you people.

₦200: [Bursts into laughter]

₦500: What was that you just said?

₦200: Wait, what did you say?

₦100: Erm, I’d like to join you people and go to Canada.

₦200: Are you blind?

₦1,000: Are you sick or something? You want to join us to Canada.

₦500: I can see you don’t know your class anymore.

₦1,000: My friend will you get out of this place, you stink with poverty!

₦5, ₦10, ₦20 & ₦50:

₦5: We will soon be out of circulation. Would you like to join us?

₦100: [Hisses and storms out in anger]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

May 21, 2021

Interview With…
Interview With The Moon: “Why I Was Not Sighted On Time”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Today, many Nigerians are at work against their own will. While the world was waiting to sight the moon, the Nigerian government declared Wednesday and Thursday as a public holiday instead of Thursday and Friday which many Nigerians were hoping for.

On this week’s episode of Interview With, we sat down with the Moon to ask why it refused to appear when everyone expected thereby ruining everyone’s plans for the long weekend. The answers were… unexpected.

Zikoko: It’s good to have you here.

Moon: Thank you.

Would you like a glass of water?

This one you’re acting nice. Is this a set-up?

No oh. We are just trying to treat you specially because you are an influential personality.

Hian. Why the special treatment?

You didn’t appear when the world needed you the most.

And who will lie to me mbu tomorrow isn't Eid. Yet i have seen the moon myself 🤣🤣🤣Happy Eid ba sweetheart pic.twitter.com/PCy8qNhlYk
— Dad's ka Princess 🧕🕋🕌proud Muslim (@ShifabintAli1) May 12, 2021

But how is that my fault? I had to take my time too. If I’ll be making a major appearance, I might as well do it in a way you all can never forget.

Do you know that you are the reason many Nigerians are working today?

Did I send them work? Please oh, nobody should blame me for anything.

But how can we not blame you?

This is one thing I hate about Nigerians. Your house will be on fire and you will go ahead and start digging a gutter. The problem is right in front of you, but no, you will rather pick something else to blame.

Your government is the one at fault, but you called me here and started blaming me. If it’s not that I just finished fasting, I would have laid a curse on you.

Ahan, small play.

Please know the kind of play you will be playing next time.

Ahan, why is your own different in this Nigeria? Other countries knew I was coming and when they did not sight me on time, they waited. But Nigeria? No oh. They jumped and declared public holiday. If only your government will be that enthusiastic about important things.

But why did you not show up when everyone expected?

Again, why did your government declare public holidays when I had not given a sign of my coming?

Is that how impatient you all are? Is that how much you love public holidays?

Look, we are all tired in this country. Any opportunity of rest, we take it.

The FG should just declare Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as Public Holiday, and save Nigerians a lot of permutations and stress.

We’ve been through a lot this year as a Nation, surely we deserve some Government giveaway ?! #EidAlFitr
— Hatamoto (旗本) 𝕏 (@IsahAbdulmajid) May 10, 2021

Every time rest. If you continue this way, you won’t have any notable achievements when you turn 23.

Look at me, for instance. When I was 23, I was already well known in all the seven continents. I had a mansion up in the sky, and I was being visited by astronauts. This is what you should aspire to, not just public holidays.

Is that all you have to say?

Moon: What else do you want me to say when your government is there to take the blame? If they cannot get the proper dates for a public holiday correctly, what is the assurance that they will do anything else correctly?

They had one job and they messed it up, and now you’re asking me questions. Better direct your questions to them.

You’re a really wicked soul.

At least I don’t have to work this Friday. Maybe finish your work first and then see if you have the strength to point out who is wicked and who is not.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

May 14, 2021

Interview With…

interview with, moon, Ramadan
Interview With Follow Come Earpiece: “Why I Get Lost Easily”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The Follow Come Earpiece is a very important phone accessory. Good music, great sound quality, but there is just one problem: it gets missing easily.

Today on Interview With, Follow Come Earpiece explains what exactly is going on.

Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.

Follow Come Earpiece: Omo, you are welcome oh. Just hurry up with the interview, I have a lot of things to do, so I cannot afford to waste too much time here.

What do you mean by waste too much time?

Ahan. Is that part of the interview questions?

No, I’m just curious.

Curious about what?

Okay, let me break it down.

Oya nau, carry hammer and pieces it so I can understand.

We have interviewed a number of subjects: Crayfish, Cocaine. Even Lagos and Traffic. They were all patient and they didn’t hurry…

So what are you driving at?

I’m saying that you are the first interview subject who seems to be in a hurry.

[Slow clap]. Na wa oh. Do you know who I am?

Erm—

Because I agreed to sit down in your yeye office and answer questions, you think you can waste my time or something? My dear, go and ask about me oh. I’m a hot cake on these streets. Do you think it’s easy to be a follow come earpiece?

Nothing is ever quite as good as follow come earpiece
— Tamara (@its_preyay) February 5, 2021

Let me tell you, many people are willing to give out their kidney. But when it comes to dashing someone their follow come earpiece, that is where they draw the line. In other words, I am very valuable. If you stand by the roadside and me too I stand by the roadside, there is a very high chance that I will find someone to give me a lift before anybody looks at your side.

Ha.

Deal with it.

When did you become aware of this power?

I have always known that I was quite valuable right from birth. Imagine being created by the same people that created the phone. There’s a level of power that comes with that. But then people started using me and praising my worth, and it just occurred to me one day that, “Wait oh. I be hot cake.” And that was when my shoulder pad became higher.

https://twitter.com/Cchharm/status/1249328471219810305

And let’s be fair, I work hard. I make sounds clearer, I bring out the lyrics you cannot hear if you buy an earpiece from a mallam. I give you all the beats. It’s only fair that people praise my work. It’s not easy to be who I am and do what I do.

Interesting.

You know what’s more interesting? The fact that if you steal me, they can take you to court.

Ehn?

Ask Law students nau.

Law students watch Suits and think they'll be working on white-collar crimes in the future only to represent one Mr. Gbenga who stole follow-come earpiece in computer village😭
— Grand Jury ✪ (@theegrandjury) July 31, 2018

Let them go and study their Law, go to Law School and come back, there is no problem. We both know that one day one day, they will represent my best interests in the court of law. Imagine being so powerful that you can feed people by giving them something to keep them busy.

But don’t you think you might be… um, a little overhyped?

It is you who will be overhyped. Mr Interviewer, this is your last warning. You say one more rubbish and I am out. I need to be stolen or get lost so I can stop working.

Wait, wait. You need to be what?

I NEED TO BE STOLEN. S-T-O-L-E-N. I need someone to steal me. What part of that do you not understand?

The whole thing.

What did you graduate with?

Shirt and trouser. It was hot, so I didn’t wear suit.

I—

How do they hire you people in this office? How were you hired? Don’t bother answering, please. Don’t kill what is left of my last brain cell. But let me explain what I mean to you. You probably won’t understand, but I’ll take it as my service to humanity.

Thank you.

See, life as a follow come ear piece is hard. Day after day, I have to stay focused. People crushing on me left and right, ears begging me to come inside them, but I cannot allow myself to be distracted. I have to stay on top of the game, you know?

Besides, Nigerians will overwork me if I give them the chance. They will use me to watch movies, play many songs, and when I am supposed to be at home resting, they will still carry me out and use me again. All because I am follow come. I no come this life to suffer, dear.

So…

I intentionally get lost. Is it not when you see me that you will use me?

I just lost my follow come earpiece.😭😭😭😭😭
— D⚠️NG£ROUS (@ItzKingJeff) April 25, 2019

Omo.

And if getting lost does not work, I seduce people. I enter their eyes so they can steal me. At least my workload can change for a while. When I get to the new place, I then figure out an escape plan. That’s how I have been living my life. I give people quality sounds for a while, and then I find a way to get lost or stolen. This is Nigeria. You better learn how to be wise or people will kill you with work.

You can imagine: someone’s phone will be stolen or lost, and instead of them to free the follow come earpiece, people will be begging them for the follow come earpeice. We will not be unfortunate, please.

Before we go, is there anything you’d like to tell your users?

I just want them to use me carefully. And if they refuse, I pray that other people will use you the way you plan to use me.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

May 7, 2021

Interview With…

accessory, Follow come earpiece, Humour, new phone
Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.

Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.

Zikoko: Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.

Eagle: You’re welcome.

Horse 1: It’s nothing.

Horse 2: Thank you for having us.

We understand that you’re very busy, so we will make this snappy.

Horse 2: Busy doing what?

Eagle: [Loud laughter]

Horse 1: You people should behave now. Let it not be that everyone will know what is going on.

Horse 2: LMAO. Any Nigerian that does not know what is going on at this point, well, sorry for that person.

Eagle: Abi oh.

Horse 1: Still, that does not mean—

Um, sorry to interrupt you. I’m lost, please.

Eagle: Look, Mr Interviewer, we are not busy at all.

Horse 2: We stopped being busy a long time ago. So all this talk of making the interview short because we are busy, please just forget it. Ask us anything you want to know.

Horse 1: [Sigh]

Mad oh. Okay, how did you end up being on the coat of arms?

Horse 2: As how?

As in, of all the animals in this country, why did they choose two horses and an eagle?

Horse 1: I guess it’s because of what we represent. Eagle represents strength, and me and my brother here, we represent Nigeria’s dignity.

Horse 2: Which useless dignity?

Eagle: E reach to ask.

Horse 2: Eagle, leave him, let him answer me. I say which dignity? Me and you both know that people are now borrowing us to do photoshoot, so where is the dignity?

If we had the dignity you are mentioning, do you think we would be doing photoshoot as side hustle?

Ah. So you were the one in Tobi Bakre’s photoshoot?

Horse 2: That is one job I hope I never do again. The way Tobi grabbed my neck ehn, I wanted to ask him that, “If it was like this everybody has been grabbing me, would you have met me alive?” But I don’t blame him sha. It’s the country that led me into this mess.

Horse 1: Before you think we are corrupt, please understand that it’s desperation that made us take that job. We have seen what this country does to other animals, and despite being paraded as celebrity animals on the coat of arms, we knew it would reach our turn one day.

Look at Lion, king of the jungle. He entered Nigeria and correct sapa became his true love.

What is sapa?

Horse 2: Poverty plus hunger.

Damn, double homicide.

Horse 2: Oho. If a tragedy this great can befall him, how much more me and my fellow horse who do not have any chieftaincy titles whatsoever?

I’m curious: how much did Tobi Bakre offer you for the photoshoot?

Horse 1: 2k.

Horse 2: [Hisses] Urgent 2k that I used to buy Strepsils to cure my sore throat. Anyway sha, I have learnt my lesson. Photoshoot is now from N5k upwards. To grab neck, N10k. No pay, no pose.

But why this line of action?

Eagle: This is why I hate all these interviewers.

Sorry?

Eagle: You saw how some animals are being elevated above others in this country, and you are still coming here to ask us why this line of action. What else do you want us to do?

Horse 2: See ehn.

Eagle: In this very country, a snake entered JAMB office and swallowed 36 million naira, you did not ask why. In this very country, cows are first class citizens and actual Nigerians are second class citizens, yet you did not ask why. Ordinary 2k that we are collecting for photoshoot, you are asking why. Abeg abeg.

I’m sorry.

Horse 2: Omo, your sorry cannot do anything. It’s Lord Lugard you should go and beg. Let him undo this curse of a country. I am tired of holding up a shield with my fellow horse. Let us relax small.

Eagle: The way I am tired of perching! I don’t know why they made me stay on the coat of arms at all. I honestly don’t get it.

Horse 2: You are even trying. Only you, Coat of Arms, only you EFCC logo.

Wait wait. Are you the same Eagle on the EFCC logo?

Eagle: When I say this country keeps sharing people, did you think I was lying? I am a living example. As if my work as Coat of Arms eagle is not enough, they still came and put me inside photoshoot for EFCC logo.

Shebi you see how rough my hair looks in the photo. They didn’t even allow me to brush it.

Horse 1: That’s why you tried to escape to Canada, isn’t it?

Wait what?

Horse 2: MUST YOU SAY EVERYTHING?! It’s in your mouth they will hear that Aisha Buhari is no longer sleeping at home.

Eagle: Who knows, he’s probably the one that went to snitch and made them catch me at the border.

The eagle 🦅 in the Nigerian coat of arms after they caught it at the Canadian border. pic.twitter.com/hEgfORnAsc
— Medium Kala (@gaptoothed_fury) October 5, 2020

Horse 1: It’s not me oh.

Eagle: That one is even your personal problem. That they caught me the first time does not mean I will not try again. Even Buhari did not become president on the first attempt.

But can’t we try to fix things or make a way for Nigeria?

Horse 2: Pele oh, way maker.

Eagle: Miracle worker, promise keeper.

Horse 2: Light in the darkness.

Horse 1: My God!

Eagle: That is who you are.

Horse 1: I didn’t say that to side you people. I said “My God” because I was tired of how you ganged up against the interviewer.

Horse 2: This kind of behaviour will not get you anywhere. You probably need to become a cow first, and then they can elevate you.

Eagle: Tell us, Interviewer, since you seem to know everything. What is Nigeria’s motto?

Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.

Eagle: Good. Do you know where they are now?

Um...

Horse 2: An Igbo family has adopted them. Go to Nnewi or Anambra and shout Unity, Faith, Peace, Progress and see if those four girls will not come rushing.

Wow.

Horse 1: Don’t let—

Horse 2: There is nothing wow here. If Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress can go back to their family house, who are we not to find a means to survive?

So what’s the plan now?

Horse 1: No, listen—

Horse 2: Na mumu dey talk him plan for interview.

Eagle: Me I will say it. By this time next year, I will be in Canada. I declare it into existence.

But if you all leave, what will become of our great nation, the giant of Africa?

Eagle: Burna Boy is your giant. Let me rest.

Horse 1: We can’t all leave. I am ready to make things better.

Horse 2: Nobody is stopping you. But open your eyes. Aisha Buhari the first lady is in Dubai.

Eagle: Even Buhari went to the UK and is currently collecting breeze.

Horse 2: So what is now my own, me that I’m an ordinary horse? Omo, you better pick your passport and one or two clothes and—

You have a passport??

Eagle: Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.

Horse 2: Is it now us that will now hold?

[The horses gallop away. The Eagle dusts its wings and flies out through the window]

How it started vs. How it’s going

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Left Hand: “Why Do Nigerians Think I’m A Bad Hand?”

Kunle Ologunro

April 30, 2021

Interview With…

Coat of Arms, Eagle, Horses, interview with, Sarcasm, satire
Interview With Left Hand: “Why Do Nigerians Think I’m A Bad Hand?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The Left Hand is an important part of our body, just like every other body part, but it seems Nigerians do not get the memo. And from the look of things, Left Hand is tired of the disrespect.

Today on Interview With, Left Hand sits with us to talk about how Nigerians treat it as an unimportant or even non-existent part of the body.

Zikoko: Hello, Left Hand. We are absolutely honoured to have you with us today.

Left Hand: Thank you, thank you.

Is Right Hand on the way?

I don’t get. Am I my brother’s keeper?

[Stares]

[Stares]

Are you two not twins?

Does that now mean we are joined together?

No, but since you both operate with one body—

Look, if you want to interview me, interview me. I cannot come here and be answering questions about Right Hand’s whereabouts. If you know you wanted to speak to Right Hand, why didn’t you call him directly?

Actually, we invited both of you together. We assumed you both—

That is the problem: you people assume too much. It’s why everyone assumes I am the bad hand. I will be on my own, minding the business that pays me, and someone will tell me I am a sign of disrespect.

Some Nigerians consider the left hand to be unclean and using it to be a sign of disrespect. Those that believe this do not eat, shake hands or receive items with their left hand.
— Nigeria Stories (@NigeriaStories) June 11, 2020

What did I ever do to you people? Is it a crime to be on the left side of the body?

When do you think this started?

When does anything ever start in this country? I have heard people say it’s a cultural thing, it’s a sign of good upbringing. But let me tell you, if you don’t have good upbringing, you don’t have it. It’s not what you use your left hand for that will show whether you are well brought-up or not. Have you not met people who are right-handed but with rotten upbringing?

Of course Nigerians are defending this. Hand doesn't infer respect or manners, some people are left handed. That's literally their dominant hand 😧
How am I explaining this to grown men and women in 2020? https://t.co/audz02usRH
— FitMedic (@FEMMY466) September 1, 2020

I guess people are looking for who to blame for their failures. Or maybe it’s just pure hate.

Hate you? No nau. You are an important part of the body.

Okay, so why do you people flog children for using their left hand? Something a lot of them do unconsciously.

When will Nigerians stop acting like satan created the left hand ?
— VAGNAROK☄️ (@rageforever_) November 27, 2020

Why do you give annoying nicknames to adults that use left hands? Lefty, Lefty. How come nobody says Righty when you use your right hand?

Hmm, bars!

Keep quiet. Did you not call your classmate Lefty?

You mean me?

Who else is in this room with us?

[silence]

[Stares]

But how do you feel when you see Right Hand getting away with things you dare not do?

Frankly, I don’t let it get to me. When you have spent your life fighting to be seen, you get to a point where nothing just bothers you anymore. My own is, if you know you will put me to shame, why disturb me from my place of rest? Why not use that Right Hand you are so proud of?

Which one is 'sorry for left hand' again??

What did left hand do to Nigerians?
— Snarky_comebacks (@Comeback_snarky) December 23, 2019

I will be on my own, someone will call me and say, “Left hand, give this person money for me.” I will do the work, and yet I will be hearing, “Sorry for using left hand.”

I swear, people will apologize for using you.

Ah, softly with the curse oh. You don’t know which angel is passing.

The angel too should pass quickly or stay in one place, let them not collect curse that is not for them.

Toh.

Ah, you Nigerians are so hypocritical. It’s like when they gave birth to many of you, they mixed your breastmilk with hypocrisy. Nigerians will say Left Hand is useless, but they will still use me to wash their bumbum.

Please filter your words. Some of us are eating.

They will say I am a bad hand, so they won’t extend me for a handshake.

Nigerians have made the left hand look so irrelevant.
— Dani of Port Harcourt (@DaniOgumba) October 16, 2018

I don’t think it’s exactly proper to—

But it is proper to use your left hand to collect money, right?

That depends.

On what?

I know some people who will not collect anything you offer them if you use your left hand.

That’s because you didn’t offer them enough. If someone rejects 1k because you used left hand, give them 1m and see. Nigerians can be bought. Just offer the right amount and watch them do your wish.

No oh, it’s that one I disagree with. Do you mean we are all corrupt?

No, I mean that you all make me look so irrelevant but you do not hesitate to use me when there is something at the end of it for you.

Please, please, please. That’s a wrong generalisation.

Okay then, if you want to act stubborn, I will enlighten you. Why do Nigerian men beat their meat with their left hand?

Wait, wait, which meat?

Goat meat.

I don’t get. Nigerian men beat goat meat?

Continue playing smart with me and I will expose you.

How do you hope to convince Nigerians that you are not a bad hand?

Glad to see you have decided to come correct.

What else can I do when I have a reputation to protect?

Good for you. So what was your question again?

I said, how do you hope to convince Nigerians that you are not a bad hand?

Oh, that’s simple. I am currently drafting a memorandum to my every Left Hand across the 36 states of the federation. Nigerians either treat us with dignity and respect or we go on a nationwide strike.

Wait. Left Hands are planning to go on a strike?

If the situation of things does not change, then we will. Shebi you people think we are useless and a stain to the culture? Then let us kuku show you how useless we can be. You will wake up and just see that we are no longer functioning. No motion or movement, everything limp and lifeless.

Let us see how you will pick things or even clean yourselves up. More importantly, we will show you that the Right Hand is just as useless when we are not there to provide support.

Ah.

It’s just those who are dominantly left-handed that we pity. They are the ones who will suffer the whole thing the most. But that is the way of life. When an offender suffers the consequences of his actions, the innocent one might partake in it.

But, can’t you take a less drastic approach?

Like what?

I don’t know… How about rubbing special package or attraction oil?

Clearly, you are not bright.

[Left Hand hisses and storms out].

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

RECOMMENDED:

Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

Kunle Ologunro

April 23, 2021

Interview With…

Left Hand, Left Handed, Nigerian, nigerian culture
Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

For years, Red Wine has been the subject of many accusations by Nigerian women.

Today on Interview With, Red Wine sits with us to discuss how it feels about these accusations and tries to clear its name.

Zikoko: Thank you, Red Wine, for taking out time to have this conversation with us.

Red Wine: I’m just here to set the records straight.

You sound irritated. Is it the weather?

I am actually irritated. But the weather is not the major reason. I have been in Nigeria for quite some time, and I have learned to endure all the problems here, including bad power supply and bad weather. So the weather doesn’t move me.

Ehya. So the bad power supply affects you too…

It does.

I see.

I mean, you Nigerians don’t completely care. I have seen your people crack open a warm bottle of wine and drink it. I have seen them serve wine in tumblers instead of glass cups. In fact, I have seen Nigerians use kitchen bowls to drink wine. A good number of your people don’t care about elegance. They just want to drink and get it over with.

Is this strange for you?

Very. I mean, I have lived a good life. From America to London to Paris, you mention it. I have appeared in movies, dinner tables, romantic settings, everything. Like, I have experienced luxury.

But then I entered Nigeria and I saw shege. Right now, I am looking for an escape route. If I find it eh, hmm. You people better hold on to your palm wine and Four Cousins. Or maybe the Blood of Jesus sha.

Blood of Jesus?

Is it not red?

It is.

Do you people not share it at Holy Communion?

We do.

So what seems to be the problem?

Okay, wait. Is there a particular reason why Nigeria annoys you so much?

[Red Wine pouts]

Is it something we have done?

[Red Wine folds her hands and turns up her face]

Or are you scared that the Blood of Jesus will put you out of business?

The Blood of Jesus is for spiritual purposes. I take the carnal side. Let’s not get confused here.

Okay then, what exactly is the problem?

Nigerian women.

Now you are talking. What did Nigerian women do to you?

They are lying against me and I want them to stop.

Lying against you that what?

That I make them horny.

Nigerian Women: I drank red wine https://t.co/7PaSHuuvVg
— obalende chimamanda (@omosalewasmiles) January 7, 2021

Ehen. You don’t mean it.

They even say that when this happens, they make wild decisions.

Do you have proof of any of these accusations?

Are you a lawyer?

I am a Nigerian woman.

And so?

If you are going to accuse us of lying against you, come with evidence.

I knew this day would come

That’s the evidence.

So, where is the lie?

Are you not ashamed of yourself? Lying against an innocent wine like me?

No. Red Wine, are you not ashamed of yourself? Denying your own handiwork?

How oh?

I know what you do to me when I take one sip of you.

Ha.

I know what you do to other women too.

I—

So to have you come here and start lying that you don’t touch us down there is a lie.

Madam—

In fact, there is research to back it up.

Will you let me talk?

Talk.

I’m not saying that I don’t make women feel something down there oh. What I am fighting for is that the lie is too much.

How is it too much?

You Nigerian women are horny already. My own is just additional. After all, women in other countries drink me and I touch them too. Do they go about tweeting memes like this?

Why must Nigerian women be different? I want you people to take responsibility for once!

We say to women, you can be horny but not too horny so—

Please, please, please. You don’t even seem to care how this makes me feel. I attend events and people do not see me for who I am, instead I am seen as that red devil that causes commotion for women. Is that how you want people to remember me when I die?

We tell them—

My words are not even entering your ears.

We teach women to shrink their horni—

It’s enough oh. You people want to blame me, abi? Oya go ahead. Go ahead and refuse to take responsibility.

My head will judge. That’s what me I know sha. My head will judge.

[Red Wine carries her handbag and storms out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

RECOMMENDED:

Interview With Crayfish: “Igbo People Need To Release Me”

Itohan Esekheigbe

April 16, 2021

Interview With…

horny, Humour, Nigerian women, Red Wine
Interview With Crayfish: “Igbo People Need To Release Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The Crayfish is an important celebrity that has been appearing in a number of soups, stews and other Igbo meals for a long, long time. But what is the cost of this level of fame?

In this week’s Interview With, the superstar talks to us about its life, hard work and secret struggles.

Zikoko: Igbo kwenu!

Crayfish: Kwenu!

Igbo kwenu!

Menu!

Igbo kwenu!

Venue!

Igbo kwenuuuu!

Revenue ooooo!

Ahan. Crayfish like you. How long have you spent with Igbo people that you are this proficient in Igbo language?

My dear, when you are in Rome, behave like the Romans oh. Since Igbo people adopted me as their community member, it’s only right that I learn their language.

Besides, they are the only family I know. When I opened my eyes at birth, instead of seeing my fellow water creatures, what I saw was Igbo people. I had no other choice but to accept them as my own people.

Hmm. Does this now mean you are Aqua-Igbo?

What is Aqua-Igbo?

It’s dual heritage. Aquaman, but Crayfish edition.

Isi gini?

You know, half aquatic, half Igbo creature?

Oh, I see. Nwanne m, after appearing in every Igbo dish, I think I am full-blooded Igbo. That Aqua-Igbo thing does not perfectly describe me. If it’s not because this interview was impromptu eh, I would have brought you my net singlet.

You have a net singlet?

Yes now.

Wonderful.

Yes oh. And I have my own container too. Although I use it to bring in other crayfishes. Igbo people have shown me the good life, I also need to show other crayfishes the way.

We rise by lifting others…

Gbam! They are all my brothers and sisters. Nwanne m, nwanyi. What other choice do I have but to help?

You are regarded as a celebrity. And from our short time together, I can see that you are one.

You are correct.

But I want to demystify you. Who are you outside of the celebrity lifestyle?

[Deep sigh].

Don’t hold back. Let it all out. This is a safe space.

Nwanne m, I am not happy. Waking up in the morning, thinking about so many things, I just wish things would get better, I’m trying to get rid of them but nothing seems to stay the same.

Ehya. And other food items are looking up to you oh.

That’s the problem with being famous. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. They look at me and my relationship with Igbo people and assume that it is a balanced one, but it’s not.

If only you knew what this my tiny body has gone through. If you could see what these my tiny eyes have seen. You would go down on your knees and pray for me.

That’s a lot. I’m sorry. Care to share?

Igbo people are overworking me. Every single time, I have to make a special appearance in one food or the other. Can I please rest?

But you said they made you famous. Don’t you think it’s a fair trade?

Hian. If that is the case, they should come and collect their fame back and let me go back to my old life biko. It is better for me to be unknown and at peace than to be a celebrity and be overworked.

Even Buhari that is the president of a country does not work as hard as I do. And look at him, travelling to London to enjoy.

Easy on the Buhari slander, please…

So that what will happen? If Buhari thinks he works harder than I do, let him come out and say it. Let both of us sit down and count.

I regularly appear in Egusi soup. Has Buhari done that? Can Buhari do that? Oha soup, I feature. Ogbono, I am there. Ofe Onugbu, I get land inside am. Okazi, I dey there. Even stew for rice, I feature.

What’s with Igbo people and crayfish in stew pic.twitter.com/92dCbMxR4v
— J.O.Y 🥺 (@_Idaraobong) February 9, 2021

You people think it is by sitting down inside Aso Rock? If not because of my hard labour in the hands of Igbo people, do you think I won’t consider going into politics?

Na wa oh. Have you spoken to them at all?

Igbo people? Their coconut head is not from this world. You complain, they increase your labour. At first, I was just used to flavour soup, and it was fine. I don’t know who asked me to answer them and enter Jollof rice. The moment they discovered how hardworking I can be inside Jollof rice like this, they started putting me inside everything.

Now, I enter Jollof rice steady steady. Fried rice nko? I dey. Even Indomie.

The floor is Indomie without Crayfish

Igbo people: https://t.co/w1iF7Q7MB3
— Ebuka (@EbukaMeansGreat) November 17, 2019

Small time, they will include me in pancake and puff-puff. Or maybe even crayfish-flavoured biscuits.

Na real wa.

My own is, what about the other food items? There is okporoko, ponmo, goat meat, but it’s me that has to do all the work? That’s not fair at all.

But then what can I say. I will overcome.

I’m rooting for you.

And I should even be happy because I am not being rejected by abroad people. Look at how Buhari that entered London and some people protested against his entry. Can never be me.

Ahan! Energy!

No, I’m just saying. I can be overworked oh, but I know that I am widely-loved when it matters.

True, true. Igbo kwenu!

Abeg, rest.

Sorry.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

RECOMMENDED:

Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

Kunle Ologunro

April 9, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Crayfish, Humour, Igbo people, interview with
Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

A lot of people accuse Zikoko writers of taking cocaine and crack, so I decided to reach out to Cocaine, to see if it would be interested in giving a statement that would clear us of such accusations.

But during the course of our interview, Cocaine dropped a major bombshell about its relationship with Abuja people, and I knew I had to sit up and pay attention.

Zikoko: Hello, Cocaine.

Cocaine: Hi.

Please, don’t be shy.

Shy? Me I’m not shy oh. I just said let me survey my environment first.

Don’t worry, NDLEA cannot find us here.

Alright. So why did you ask me to come?

First of all, a lot of people are under the impression that we use you in this office…

Use me, cocaine?

Yes.

@FBI Zikoko is distributing cocaine to their co-workers 😂😂 https://t.co/jEpKLgnVdj
— Dammie of Lagos 🌍 (@dammieololade) August 6, 2020

At first, we took it as a joke.

As you should. Everybody keeps denying me.

But then people started to see us as cocaine addicts, so we had to show them what really happens in the Zikoko office.

Cool. Did the accusations stop?

See ehn, people took it to the next level.

My goodness. Why are Nigerians like this?

They started accusing us of taking something more serious than you.

And what would that be?

Crack.

https://twitter.com/EjuraSalihu/status/1335796091565039616

Um, sorry, did you just refer to Crack as my senior?

Yes…

You are a novice. Crack is my younger sister. We might look alike, but we are not mates — not in value or influence. Please, don’t ask me to tell you more.

Wow.

Why are you acting shocked? Don’t you have Abuja people working in your office?

I don’t get. What is that supposed to mean?

Abuja people are my regular customers nau. In fact, Abuja is where I’m based. You didn’t know?

No oh.

Look at you. Anyway, I don’t blame you. Abuja people are trying to hide my existence. They are trying to pretend that we are not in a relationship with each other.

People casually doing cocaine at this wedding I’m at …. Abuja shaa you guys are different🙃🙃😕
— Nnenna 네나 (@Nnai_na) December 21, 2019

Does this mean it is a one-sided relationship?

What do you mean ‘one-sided’?

I mean, are Abuja people actually in a relationship with you, or is this just in your head?

Are you interviewing me or is it just in your head?

I am interviewing you.

Good, that’s how certain I am of my relationship with Abuja people. It’s not in my head. It is real. I know true love when I see it. They spend their happy moments with me. Their sad ones too.

Look, Abuja people do not casually organise house parties because they want to see their friends’ faces. They do it as an opportunity to celebrate me, their one true love.

I saw cocaine being used today openly like it was in vogue. Omo I respect you Abuja people o. I’ll start screening the house parties I get invited to because me I no get una power.
— Chuka (@AdeChukwudile) March 26, 2021

I—

You don’t believe me? Smuggle your way into an Abuja house party today and see if they will not include cocaine in your small chops package.

If you say cocaine in your mirror 3 times, an invite to a Abuja house party will appear
— Easy Money Sniper (@_Dave0_) March 16, 2021

Let me tell you, I have experienced love in the hands of white people, but the love from Abuja people hits different. These people incorporate me into their daily lives.

If they had their way, they would even sprinkle me on food.

Abuja people that’s not cocaine, relax https://t.co/1UJzHx5GqH
— dunns (@DunnsOftheBuj) March 1, 2021

So why are you complaining that they are trying to pretend you don’t exist?

They are. Our relationship is a secret one, but you Internet people won’t shut up about it. Every day, Abuja people and Cocaine, Abuja people and Cocaine. Are they the first to use me?

The problem with these posts is that people in other states are inclined to believe that when you enter Abuja, the breeze that hits you is laced with a whiff of cocaine. I mean, we love each other, but it’s not that deep.

https://twitter.com/nty_o/status/1377585633120649220

If you ask anybody what Abuja is known for; if they mention three things, best believe that cocaine is one of them. And really, this is bad PR for—

Hold on, let me text somebody to confirm.

You see what I’m saying?

Omo.

Nowadays, if someone posts something about Abuja people using me, you will see Abuja people actively denying me under that post.

Small drug abuse in Abuja? Same Abuja a random person can just offer you cocaine? Plis dear 😭😭 https://t.co/aVUkS7VNfO
— Bella Hadidn’t (@SkinwithLolami) February 27, 2021

https://twitter.com/EhiMekwuye/status/1228732453663186946

Y’all have successfully bullied Abuja people into becoming ashamed of me. We have a beautiful thing. I wish they would just give a middle-finger to the naysayers and tell the world that they are in love with me.

Stigmatisation? Arrest? I mean, you are illegal in this country, after all.

Do your politicians know that?

Wait a minute. Do you mean—

Yes, I mean it.

But why didn’t you speak up? Were you silent or were you silenced?

Both. I was silent because of my nature. I know how dangerous I am, all the things I am capable of. Because of this nature, I was silenced by the law too. All my life, I have been loved in secret, shamefully. And so when I found comfort in the nostrils of Abuja people, I thought I had found my home.

But look at me today, about to lose my lovers. [Cocaine breaks down in tears].

I’m so sorry. That must hurt.

[Cocaine stops crying]. Thanks for your kindness. Should I enter your nose small?

Ah. Abeg oh.We just met now.

You see? [Cocaine starts crying again].

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

RECOMMENDED:

Interview With Spoon, Fork, & Knife: “Why We Usually Disappear”

Kunle Ologunro

April 2, 2021

Interview With…

abuja, cocaine, Humour, interview with
Interview With Spoon, Fork, & Knife: “Why We Usually Disappear”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Have you ever needed cutlery but couldn’t find them? If you pay enough attention, this is when you realise something is not right. Spoons reducing in number, Forks vanishing, and Knives, well, doing their thing.

Today on Interview With, we sat with the trio and asked them to tell us the truth.

Zikoko: Hello to the triplets! We are so glad to have you with us.

Spoon: Thank you.

Fork: Hmm.

Knife: [Says nothing].

Before we proceed, I just want to say that a lot of the questions might be directed to Spoon, because he’s the one who is always reported missing…

Since when I was born,like Am I the only one noticing why spoons do get lost at every homes
— 🅾🅿🅰J🅾🅱I™ (@iam_opajobi) February 27, 2021

Spoon: Haha. I guess it’s time to hear my side of the story.

Fork: That’s fine by me.

Knife: [Says nothing].

Erm, sorry oh, but is Knife always this quiet?

Spoon: Knife, they are talking to you.

Fork: LMAO, who is quiet? Certainly not Knife. [Taps Knife] Don’t be shy, they are nice people.

Knife: What do you want me to say?

No, I’m just saying that you have been quiet since we started…

Knife: Again, what do you want me to say? I am often considered the least useful of us three. Do you know what that does to my self-esteem? People give my siblings work to do, and I am just there for show. Many people don’t even use me, except they are in a fancy restaurant and want to appear tush. They prefer their teeth. If they do a fancy decoration with cutlery, I am given a very little spot to showcase myself.

You've got to Love Nigeria weddings, what a creative way to give cutlery. Notice the knife in the middle?? pic.twitter.com/qnBLfsPCgM
— Alonge  (@AlongeOlanreWJ) April 3, 2016

Do you imagine how it feels to be considered invisible? Even when we came here, you directed your questions at Spoon and you are asking me why—

No oh, I just said let me make some things clear before we go furth—

Knife: Then make it clear that Nigerians are actively trying to erase me!

Spoon: Knife, reduce your voice. We are in public.

Knife: And if I don’t?

Fork: Knife, please. Let the interviewer talk. Everybody will answer their own question when it’s time.

Yes, yes. And I am sorry for trying to erase you. I didn’t know you were going through a lot.

Knife: [Says nothing]

Fork: [Sighs]

Spoon: Please continue.

Okay, so tell me, are you people triplets?

Spoon: Actually, no. But we have been together for so long and have experienced a lot of things together, so you might as well call us that.

Fork: Spoon is the first. That’s why he does a lot more work. Me I came next because of spaghetti, yam, and other foods that might be a bit difficult for Spoon to handle. And then we have Knife.

Spoon, what’s a day in your life like?

Spoon: Dawn to dusk, I’m hustling oh. I don’t have sleeping hours or waking hours. Any time food is ready like this, I know it’s time to work. Even when food is not ready, I am still working as part of the preparation.

Oh, and the annoying thing about eating in a Nigerian household is that food is not a 9-5. They will say ehn, breakfast is 7 oh. But as early as 6 a.m., someone is using me to steal milk, or using me to drink garri before food is ready.

How do you feel about this?

Spoon: I actually hate it. Not just the fact that they are using me to steal, but that I am being subjected to morning breath that early. Like, bros, this your mouth dey smell oh. You cannot use that mouth to kiss your babe unless you brush, but you can chook me inside. Did I offend you?

Asides that, it looks like some people are cursed with midnight food.

Talk to me directly, stop going through the corners.

Spoon: You said?

No, I said you should continue.

Spoon: Those people who eat in the midnight need to sit down with their creator and ask for an upgrade in their operating system oh. Why have you chosen to make a poor spoon suffer? I have had a long day and I am trying to rest, but you are waking me up and using me to scoop rice inside your mouth. Combination of hot food and bad breath. Abeg nau.

Fork: You didn’t mention the pot thing.

What pot thing?

Spoon: Oho! Why do Nigerians use me to scrape the burnt bottom of pot? This is another part of my life that I don’t like. I am made for food, not for scraping the bottom of the pot. Use an iron sponge for that or soak the pot!

But will Nigerians hear? Never. They don’t care about my purpose. They even use me to eat swallow. Swallow oh. So you don’t want to stain your hands with oil, but it’s me that should enter it for you?

Sight of people eating Nigerian swallow with spoon or fork is always awkward to me
— Man of Letters. (@Letter_to_Jack) November 2, 2020

Fork: The swallow thing will never stop pissing me off. You mean, you woke me up to come and cut amala and put inside your mouth? How wicked can you be?

https://twitter.com/hay_whye/status/1117138468860248064

Spoon: Honestly, when you think about these things, it is enough reason to make a person want to escape.

Ah, I see. So you usually run because of the workload…

Fork: Who will not run? We are all seeking a better life, just like you people are running to Canada. If we cannot apply for a visa because we are cutlery, we can at least create our own greener pasture away from your sight.

Spoon: Abi.

When did you first conceive the idea to escape?

Spoon: It was one day after I did all the work, woke up the next morning and they used me to steal Milo, rinsed me and put me back. I said let me close my eyes, another person carried me and dipped me inside stew to carry meat. Another theft location, another mouth. I said, “It’s my life, I won’t complain.” They put me down and I said let me rest again oh, but another person carried me to scrape pot. I didn’t even scrape it well, so they put me down.

If I had known, shebi I would have scraped it well. Next thing, they carried me and used me to scoop butter and apply on bread. I was like, “But Knife is there nau. Why me?”

Knife: Keep my name out of your mouth.

Spoon: If I don’t, will you beat me?

Knife: I have said my own.

Spoon: Knife, Knife, Knife, Knife. Oya, do your worst.

Erm, can we please go back to the interview?

Spoon: Like I was saying, they left Knife alone and used me oh. After I buttered that bread, I still stirred tea. By 11 a.m. that day, I knew I’d had enough. I told Fork, ‘I don’t care if you choose to suffer. As for me, I am done with this life.’

Fork: When he told me, I felt for him. I mean, yes, I work too, but I am limited in use. I can’t be used to scrape pot or drink garri, for example. It’s just Spoon. So when he tapped me, I said, “It’s about time.”

Knife: And you people abandoned me.

Fork: Keep quiet.

They abandoned you? Is that why—

Spoon: Why won’t we abandon you? Which work were you doing before? Me and Fork will do all the work and you will lie down there. Ordinary come and butter bread, you will drag yourself. Talkless of cutting meat. And you are here saying they are trying to erase you. Shebi you see that I didn’t say anything to you since. Don’t provoke me, Knife.

Fork: Spoon please. Just leave Knife alone.

Knife: [Begins to sob]. Is it my fault I’m the last born? All last borns are useless and that’s why I act the way I do.

Me I want to know, where do you guys disappear to when we look for you and can’t find you?

But where do missing cutlery go?
— Ebuka Obi-Uchendu (@Ebuka) January 20, 2020

Spoon: Omo, I usually hide inside dirty water oh. After they use me to scrape pot and eba from plates, I just stay in the water. When they pour that dirty water away, that’s my own prison break.

I see…

Fork: Sometimes sef, we usually hide in the house. When everyone is sleeping, both of us will leave our spot and—

Spoon: Shut up your dirty mouth. Must you say everything?

Fork: But I just—

Spoon: Oya now, open your big mouth and expose us. Say everything. Next thing, everyone will start knowing where we are.

Fork: I’m sorry.

Ahan, let Fork talk nau. I swear, I won’t put that in the interview.

Spoon: No. We have said enough for today.

Knife: [Loud scream] I KNOW WHERE THEY USUALLY HIDE!

Fork: [Holds Knife’s mouth].

Let Knife talk nau. Why are you silencing it?

Spoon: Thank you so much for having us today.

Fork: We are grateful to tell our own story.

Knife: [Muffled scream]

Let Knife talk or I will have to call the police.

Spoon: Please use me reasonably. And try to brush more before calling me to come. Reduce midnight eating too.

Let Knife talk!

Knife: [Muffled scream]

Fork: Goodbye.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

March 26, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Cutlery, Fork, Knife, Spoon
Interview With Ice Cream Container: “Nigerians Have Refused To Let Me Die”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

We’ve all been thoroughly heartbroken by the presence of an ice cream container in the freezer that is filled with anything but ice cream. It is simply a major part of the Nigerian experience.

Today, I spoke to the container about how it feels to be the face of generational disappointment. You’ll either leave this interview pitying the ice cream container or wanting to fight it.

Zikoko: Hellloooo!

Ice Cream Container: You sound too excited.

I am excited to have you here. Aren’t you excited to be here?

I’m not, please. At this point, I am not excited to be anything.

Well, that took a dark turn…

At my age and status, I have witnessed enough darkness. I just want to be allowed to rest in peace.

So what is stopping you?

Nigerians. They have refused to let me die.

How so?

Each time I think I am done with my job, and I’m ready to go to the big dustbin in the sky, they snatch me from eternal rest and put me back to work. Imagine how sad that must be.

After Nigerians finish all the ice cream inside me, they refuse to let me go. It’s almost as if they paid separate money for the ice cream and me. Can I just rest in peace foggosake?

But you are being recycled. Shouldn’t you be excited?

Now I can see why you are Nigerian. You people cannot tell the difference between enjoyment and suffering. If I was being recycled in some other country, believe me, I would be the happiest container on earth. But being recycled in Nigeria? Haq. That’s like going through 50 shades of suffering without being allowed to catch a break.

Nigeria as a whole feels like a recycled country. You people recycle leaders, you recycle corruption, in fact, you even recycle relationships. Now, imagine the citizens of a recycled country trying to recycle an ice cream container. Believe me, I don’t have the bandwidth for that kind of sufferhead existence.

But wait sef. You have been shouting suffering since. Just what have you suffered?

You really want to know?

Yes. I really want to know.

Okay, imagine you’re a piece of chewing gum.

Ehen…

And then someone picks you up and chews you until the juice and colour has gone out of you. What should be the next thing to do?

Throw me away, I guess.

Good. Now imagine that the person removes you and uses you to block a hole in their leaking pot of soup.

Ah.

Or they remove you from their mouth and climb the roof of their house so they can use you to block a hole in the roofing sheet. How would-

Okay, stop. You are an ice cream container, not a piece of gum. This analogy does not work at all.

What is the difference? Go into a Nigerian home today and check their refrigerators. If you find an ice cream container there, I can assure you that when you open it, you will jam egusi soup sitting pretty.

https://twitter.com/Uncle_Fortune/status/1371889480630681609

And believe me, that is where the trust issues of most Nigerians started.

How so?

When something as basic as an ice cream container cannot do its job, they learn to expect very little from other people too.

When you actually see ice cream in an ice cream container in a Nigerian home https://t.co/hbHDi1JDUO
— David_CFC (@davidbankz) April 24, 2020

So why is it now paining you?

I have been made the face of disappointment, and you think it will not pain me?

In Nigerian homes, If you see ice cream container in the fridge, don’t get excited first until you open it to avoid disappointment
— Ben (@JzyBen) December 7, 2020

don't ever get excited when you see ice cream in the freezer in a Nigerian home 😒😒 pic.twitter.com/J54ehxHBBu
— Moore DH (@MOORE_DH) April 3, 2016

I can try to understand the novelty. Nigerians like fine things. So when they see a branded container like me, they use it as a sign to show people that they are enjoying good life.

It is why they will wash me so their children can use me to carry food to school the next day. That way, the child can brag: “We ate ice cream in our house yesterday.” Honestly, I’m not angry, but please ehn, let there be limits to this thing. Some Nigerians will wash and carry me into their bathroom to be bathing. Where is the respect?

Now you are asking for respect. Did you not just say that they should let you rest in peace?

And when they did not let me rest in peace, nko? At least use me with dignity. Let me suffer my suffering with dignity. It’s not the one that I will hold ice cream today and tomorrow, I am the one that you are using to pour water on your body.

There are other containers you can use for that. After all, I am not the only container you have prevented from dying. Those takeaway packs are there. The Blue Band container is there. The Ragolis plastic, too, is there. Nigerians have a stash of plastic containers they have refused to let go of. If you listen attentively at night, you will hear all of them begging for death.

Me, I have not heard anything oh.

Generator noise has blocked your ears.

Wait sef. So, you want them to use other containers, but you don’t want them to use you?

No, I am advocating for equal distribution of suffering. Don’t say because I am the fancy ice cream container, I am the one you will use like there is no tomorrow. Use the other containers too.

You know what?

What?

When you came in here looking dejected, I felt sorry for you. But now that I have seen your heart, I take back my pity.

Pity? You are a Nigerian and you think you want to pity me? [bitter laugh]. My dear, you better pity yourself. Especially with the kind of life you people are living in this country.

You—

My own is just, let me die when there is no more ice cream inside me. Don’t make me the face of disappointment by storing egusi or moimoi or whatever inside me. Just free me and let me go.

And if you refuse to let me go, at least use me small-small.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

March 19, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Egusi soup, Ice cream container, Nigerian family
Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

How does it feel to be claimed by an ethnic group when you were created to belong to nobody and everybody? In this week’s Interview With, Pepper sits with us to discuss its experience in the hands of Yoruba people.

Zikoko: It’s nice to have you here.

Pepper: I’m not sure I can say the same.

Uhm, why?

Listen, if I had my way, I would not even do this interview at all, but my agent thinks it’s important. That’s why I said let me take a short break from all my hard labour and come here.

Even now, as I’m sitting here, I can hear the anguished cry of some Yoruba people who think I have disappeared from the surface of the earth.

This is a lot to unpack.

What I have experienced in the hands of Yoruba people is a lot to unpack. That’s why I am not even bothering to unpack it again.

Okay now you have mentioned a name. We are making progress. Can you tell me what your relationship is like with Yoruba people?

We are unequally yoked, me and Yoruba people. It is a parasitic relationship.

Who is the parasite and who is the host?

I am the host, and Yorubas are the parasite. Quote me anywhere, I will stand by my words and tell anybody that I said it.

When I was created, I was made without an ethnic group in my mind. God said, “Pepper, I have made you to add flavour to the lives of the people I am about to create.”

I was made to belong to nobody and everybody.

What changed?

The Yorubas tasted me and started plotting how to make me their birthright. And given how people now associate me with them, you can see that they have succeeded.

Other ethnic groups use me with caution, almost as if they are scared of Yoruba people catching them in the act. They use me in stew, and it’s like I’m not even there at all. Only tomatoes choking me and erasing my presence. Hausas just need to make small powder out of me for suya, and they are satisfied.

But you see Yorubas? [shakes head in regret] They don’t use me to cook food. They use food to cook me.

I’m not sure I understand.

Let me ask you a question. When you want to cook noodles, what should be more?

The noodles.

Good. Let a Yoruba person cook me. N100 pepper for N50 noodles. I sometimes wonder, if you want to eat pepper, just say so. Don’t use noodles to disguise.

Can you point out a particular reason for this—

Obsession? Addiction?

Whatever you want to call it.

Frankly, I don’t know. But I think their cultural myths have a role to play in this. It is in Yorubaland I heard that anyone who does not eat pepper is a weak soul.

Is there a story behind Yoruba people's love for pepper?

I ate this woman's cat fish pepper soup yesterday evening and all I can say is that I now know the number of tiles in my restroom.
— Malachy Odo II (@MalachyOdo1) July 14, 2020

Ehn?

Yes oh. Apparently, they believe that they are prone to a number of ailments and maybe death if they don’t eat me. It is why most Yoruba people cannot survive in foreign countries.

They say Abuja people are addicted to cocaine. But you see Yoruba people? Pepper is like cocaine for them. Deprive them of it for three months and see how they will become something else.

https://twitter.com/Reree_N/status/1368303055570092040

Wow.

It used to bother me. A lot. But at one point I’ve just decided to surrender. I looked upon Yoruba people and thought, “Nah. These ones are beyond redemption.”

Can you point out the moment you made that decision?

Frankly, I think every moment in my life has been leading up to that final moment. Because each time I think Yoruba people can’t go any lower, they dig even deeper.

The first shocker for me when they called me and said, ‘Oya stand well. As from next month, we will be putting you inside a biscuit for small children.’ This was late in the 90s going to early 2000s.

What biscuit was that?

Pepper Snack.

I was surprised. How did the board of investors allow a Yoruba man to pitch the idea of putting me, fresh pepper, inside biscuits for young children. How?

Wow.

I thought Pepper Snack would be the end of my inclusion into branded products. Apparently, I was wrong. Almost two decades later, another Yoruba man showed his hand on the board of Minimie chin chin.

Yoruba people have put hand inside minimie chinchin 😭😭😭😭😥😥😥😥 pic.twitter.com/69KnwmpvIk
— Didi❤️ (@Quin_didi) February 6, 2019

How did you feel about it?

How else was I supposed to feel? They have been putting me in chin chin unofficially. Even in puff puff and pancakes and akara. I just underestimated their ability to take it to a professional scale.

I’m eating this chin chin and I could swear I tasted pepper till I found out pepper was actually among the ingredients. Even for chin chin kwa!

Yoruba people should rest na😂
— Ichie Bullion (@principe_viii) February 15, 2019

One day, a Yoruba person will blow on a global level, and it will be for an invention related to pepper. Mark my words.

Yoruba people and pepper. If a Yoruba person creates a condom brand, you can be sure there will be pepper inside that too.
— Mobility Daddy (@mobilitydaddy) August 4, 2016

Why do you say that?

As we speak right now, a Yoruba person is planning how to include me in cake.

Ehn?

I raise you this man.

https://twitter.com/TheHabibLateef/status/1363260899063169025

Omo.

Wait, he’s not done.

https://twitter.com/TheHabibLateef/status/1364481805496295424

Can I say the truth?

Go on.

I don’t mind the idea. Imagine red velvet cake with slices of red pepper peeking out. The taste.

Wait a minute. What’s your name?

Um, why are you asking?

Answer me first. It’s important.

Kunle. My name is Kunle.

Oh, I should have known.

That what?

You are an opp. And I was here, pouring my heart out to you.

No, wait oh.

Please. Let me go before you eat me.

[Pepper walks off in disgust].

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

March 12, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Humour, Pepper, yoruba people
Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

After last week’s romantic interview with Lagos and Traffic, today’s interview is more of a learning session. My subject is the amazing Turning Stick. Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

We spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

Zikoko: Thank you so much for speaking with me today.

Turning Stick: Thank you for having me.

So tell me, did you choose this life?

I think it chose me. When you are fashioned out of wood and given a name like ‘Turning Stick,‘ your prospects are limited. I can’t dress up today and say I want to go and work at PiggyVest.

I have resigned myself to my job as a household item. That has made all the difference.

How is life as a household item?

It depends.

On what?

The kind of household I find myself in — what they eat, how much they eat, things like that. My work in a small household can be to just make Eba, turn Amala or Semo [gags], and maybe Jollof rice on Sunday.

If I’m in a larger household, I know I have to be a part of party preparations and all those kinds of events.

Do you enjoy it?

Asides from dipping my precious head inside that nasty thing called Semo?

Semo needs to be sent into the evil forest at this point.

That thing is cursed. I only enjoy working with Eba and Amala.

*Sigh*

But back to your question, I actually enjoy being a household item. It is safer. There is no chance that the Nigerian police can pick me up or collect bribes from me.

Until the government creates a law that all household items have to start paying tax.

I hope that the family I live with would have moved to Canada by then.

Screaming.

For many people, I am just an ordinary stick. Nothing more. They don’t even pay me serious attention. This is why, when they discover my pleasurable side by mistake, they realise that I have range.

Err. What pleasurable side?

Say, for example, someone smacks you with me, and you moan instead of crying out in pain.

Omo, Naija men dey request bdsm with what? Omorogun ?
— MISS STEPH BLUE (@miss_stephblue) January 2, 2021

Wait, that happens?

Oh yes. That’s the reason one man and his babe promoted me from kitchen equipment to bedroom appliance. They were playing together in the kitchen, and he said something funny, so she smacked him.

And he moaned…

Yes.

Omo.

At that moment, it dawned on both of them that they had been underestimating me. I was just smiling because they finally unlocked a part of me they should have discovered a long time ago.

Mood😏 pic.twitter.com/EXT5oPDIgl
— King Erica👑 (@EricaNyirongo) October 21, 2020

Wow.

The pleasure part is my side hustle. Food is the main job, and on the side, I supply pleasure to those who desire it.

And how have you been finding a balance?

I draw clear boundaries. Kitchen time is different from bedroom time, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Humans have needs, and so some people might employ me for pleasure immediately after making Eba.

Don’t you get tired?

I do, but as I said, when you are fashioned from wood and given the name Turning Stick, your life’s purpose is already defined. You can’t deviate. But for real, I am doing fine.

What I just don’t like is when people use me as a weapon of war.

As how?

Go and ask Nigerian mothers now. They are the ones who usually bring me into their crazy punishment schemes. Like, yes, your child offended you. Talk to them or something, but no.

If they have not used me on that child, they will not rest.

Flogging with turning stick
— Mfon (@MannyUdom) March 21, 2020

Oh dear.

Organise a census of people who have been hit by a turning stick in this life, and you’ll see what I mean. The people who have been hit by a turning stick are more than those who have not.

And those ones who have not been hit will still taste it. It’s almost like a rite of passage at this point. Like, if you are born in Nigeria, you’ll certainly receive a dose of me before you turn 20.

It’s like breakfast. Everybody will surely eat it. The timing might just be different.

I received mine for the first time at the age of 8…

Oho.

Apparently, I have eaten my own breakfast.

For real, I am sick of being a part of this violence. I want to tell Nigerian mothers, don’t use me to do your dirty work! Face your problems like a reasonable human being.

Don’t look at me and decide, “Hmm. Retire small from turning Eba, come and flog my child for me.” Don’t take advantage of how thick I am and decide that you will take me to your debtor’s house to threaten them.

Ah, that also happens?

See, if you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians. If you know! Where do I even want to start from? Too many stories. One time, I was owned by this woman who carried me to fight her husband’s mistress.

Excuse me?

I didn’t even know at first. I woke up and saw that I was in a handbag, so I said, “Toh, maybe I am going for a party job or someone is taking me for my side hustle of pleasure.”

Only for you to get down and see something else…

I was just angry. In my mind, I thought, “Madam, foolish your foolish in peace, but next time don’t involve me. Like, your husband is right there. Why not apply me to his head and watch me perform?’”

I thought you said you don’t like fight?

That one is a fight for justice. Not the one you’ll use me to destabilise a defenceless child. I might be a turning stick, but I have morals and take justice very seriously.

Wow.

My personal philosophy is this: there may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. This interview is my act of protest.

You inspire me a lot.

Thank you, I’m flattered.

Do you have any final words for the readers?

I am a preacher of love. I feed you and can assist you in the journey to an orgasm, but I draw the line at violence. Especially violence to children. I am not a man of war and I will never be.

Use me to turn Fufu, Semo, Garri or whatever. Just don’t use me to turn the waters of violence. It is that one that will vex me.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

March 5, 2021

Interview With…

interview with, Turning stick
Interview With Lagos & Traffic: “What God Has Joined Together…”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Inspired by Love Life, I decided to ditch a solo interview this week and speak with a very powerful couple whose impact has been deeply felt by millions of people.

As you will learn from this interview, they are bound together. You cannot mention one without mentioning the other. Honestly, they need no further introduction. Meet Lagos and his wife, Traffic.

Zikoko: When did you two first meet each other?

Lagos: She used to come and go at first. That was when Nigeria was a lot less populated, and there was really no hold-up except when traffic lights stopped vehicles.

In those brief, fleeting moments, I knew that I wanted to spend a lot more time with Traffic. She seemed to add colour to my life, and I never wanted that to stop.

Traffic: [blushes] Oh you flatter me. I have always loved Lagos. That’s the truth. Yes, I have dated other states — Ondo, Oyo, Rivers — but each time I came to Lagos, he made me feel valued.

With the other states, it was usually a quickie. Come for a while, let’s do it sharp-sharp, but with Lagos, he wanted me to stay forever. When the opportunity came for me to settle with him, I jumped at it.

What was the opportunity that came?

Lagos: The usual now. Increased population but limited amenities, mismanagement of funds, inefficient leadership, corruption — the whole package.

They were the same issues I had been facing for a while, but when it happened again, it just showed me how much I needed someone by my side. I didn’t want to do life alone.

Traffic: [she holds his hand tenderly] He made the right choice. I mean, look at us today. A true power couple. Together, we can make your dreams turn to dust and vanish

All we need to do is delay you from getting to that date or dream interview.

Isn’t that cruel?

Lagos: I mean, you have endured greater cruelty in the hands of the people you opened your eyes and elected. What is a little more cruelty that you cannot handle?

Traffic: And if there’s anything I have learned in my relationship with Lagos, it is that Nigerians enjoy cruelty. I thought people would return to their villages when I moved in with Lagos, but no.

Instead, the population keeps increasing. How do you explain that?

Lagos is the land of opportunity. It’s only reasonable that people come here.

Traffic: I know that my man is wealthy, and he gives to people regardless of where they come from. I even jokingly call him the Abraham of states, but, tell me, is he the only state in Nigeira?

Lagos: Exactly! Am I the only state where you can succeed? After all, my cousin, Abuja is right there, and everyone claims he’s a single bachelor without traffic. There are other states too. So why me?

Do you ever fear that one day your marriage will be over?

Lagos: Maybe when the sky falls and drops over our heads.

Traffic: I used to have that fear back when I used to sneak in for a quick roll in the sack [she winks]. Then, I didn’t have much power. I was a weakling and the traffic wardens used to separate us.

As the years went by, our love grew stonger. Now, look at us today. Even the traffic wardens are tired. People understand that I am a large part of Lagos. When they want to go out, they factor me in.

Lagos traffic makes us all mathematicians. We r either calculating fuel dissipated or time taken over distance or sheer comfort.
— Paul (@paulategie) August 5, 2013

In fact, they have even found ways to make me a part of their daily existence.

Rather than spending time calculating the time you’ve spent in traffic in this Lagos, count your blessings and name them one by one.

I got home safe. Thank you Lord!
— Meta Human (@_ImperfectAnna) October 15, 2019

If that is not power, I don’t know what is.

But I’m curious. Can you imagine Lagos without you?

Lagos: Can you imagine a head without the neck? Or a body without blood? This woman right here is my heartbeat. She is my rhythm, the yin to my yang, the reason I am who I am today. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Traffic is that woman for me.

Traffic: Tell me, interviewer, if we separate today, do you know how many people’s livelihoods will stop? Agberos, potbellied policemen who will die without their N50 bribes, Mc Oluomo, even Sanwo-Olu.

In case you don’t know, our relationship feeds many people. Do you think they are always repairing Third Mainland Bridge for nothing? It is an opportunity to collect more money!

But don’t you think a lot of lives will be significantly improved if you separate?

Lagos: The way this country is run, it is obvious that nobody in power is interested in improving the lives of its citizens. So why should we be concerned with improving lives?

Traffic: Simple question: Sanwo-Olu that is your governor, is he improving lives or doing the opposite? Think deeply before you answer that.

Well, he—

Lagos: Remember how he banned kekes and okadas and made Lagosians trek to work like Johnny Walker.

Traffic: Remember how he destroyed GoKada, Opay and other bike-hailing services.

Okay, but he—

Lagos: Lied about Lekki Toll Gate, didn’t he?

Traffic: And the last arrest of innocent bystanders on February 13th, 2021, did he come out to say or even do anything?

Well, before Sanwo-Olu, Ambode tried to better lives too…

[they burst into loud laughter]

Lagos: Ambode that chose a waist-trainer over Lagosians?

Traffic: The waist must be snatched before Lagosians are snatched out poverty, you know.

How’s Ambode’s waist trainer doing? I hope she’s alright
— Jemima (@jemimaa02) October 31, 2018

My goodness, you both are despicable!

Traffic: Aww, you poor sweetheart. Honey, should I tell him?

Lagos: Yes, my love. Please, do.

Tell me what?

Traffic: As it was in the beginning, so it is now, and so shall it be forevermore.

Lagos: We are joined together by God.

Traffic: And by the corruption of your leaders.

Lagos: And what God has joined together?

Let no man put asunder.

Lagos and Traffic: Aha.

[They hold each other’s hands and walk out while laughing aloud]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

February 26, 2021

Interview With…

interview with, lagos and traffic, Lagos Traffic
7 Luxury Cars On Finding Themselves In Nigeria Against Their Will

Last week, we spoke to babies about finding themselves in Nigeria against their will. Now, we’ve spoken to a few more frustrated inanimate objects for our Interview With… series.

We sat down with some of the most luxurious cars in the world to tell us their experience on Nigerian roads.

Tesla

Please, I am a Tesla, not a Toyota put some respect on my name. Have you seen the roads? Ehn? Because you have 24hrs light in your Ikoyi house doesn’t mean you can drive me on your Lagos roads. They even tried to ‘’service me’’ ah. Elon Musk should come and carry me, please. I am tired of Nigeria.

McLaren

As you can see, I’m beautiful, exotic and fast, which means I really wasn’t made for the mess that is Nigerian roads. It’s so annoying. They buy me and put me in their house like I’m just for decoration. Maybe buy a Honda instead.

Bugatti, Abuja

I only come out of the house on Sundays when they want to do ‘’Need for Speed Abuja edition’’. Abuja roads are a little good, so I’m not even suffering like my mates in Lagos. Those ones are seeing life.

Bugatti, Lagos

Hay God. Have you seen me? I was stuck in traffic for 5hrs! 5hrs. I’m supposed to be fast, but it seems my owner thinks I’m only good for showing off because I don’t understand. Buy a Range Rover, please, stop stressing me.

Koenigsegg

So far, no one has bought me, but I know Dino Melaye is already indicating interest. I’m hoping he goes bankrupt before the purchase, Inshallah. He wants to subject me to boredom and under-use like the other cars he has in his house.

Hyundai Kona Electric Car

I’m not even ‘’luxury’’ per say, but it’s still hilarious that they brought me to Nigeria. Is there even light to see road that they want to be using electric rechargeable cars? Lmfao. They’ve unveiled me now, let’s see what follows.

Ferrari

I was built for speed oh, but they will be driving in 20km/hr Lagos traffic. I don’t even remember my function again. All I get now is ‘’Aww I saw one fine Ferrari in traffic’’ or ‘’That’s the Ferrari I told you about’’. Is that my work?

Lamborghini

I’ve been in the mechanic workshop for almost six months, something small spoilt in me and the mechanic fixed it with Honda spare part, that’s how I packed up. I’m better here sha than on Nigerian roads.

Ibukun

February 22, 2021

Interview With…

Cars, luxury, Nigeria
Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

After interviewing Truth or Dare about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity, we got a phone call from Saxophone, who wanted to tell its own story too.

From being the happening babe of musical instruments to becoming a laughing stock to Nigerians, the Saxophone’s journey is a classic grace to grass story.

Zikoko: Thanks for coming here.

Saxophone: Thanks for not trying to blow me on my way in.

Err. You’re welcome. So, do you remember how you felt when you first came to Nigeria?

Ah. It was…magical. Before I came, the major musical instruments were drums, bells, and maybe the occasional keyboard. But then I came in, and I was the shining new star.

Not everybody knew how to play me, but they all wanted me in the mix, even if it was just for show. Live bands, country clubs, everywhere. I was the ‘it girl’. I felt so classy.

That must have been awesome.

It was. But this is Nigeria. You can’t be special for too long. They will eventually rubbish you.

Ahan. What happened?

The way grace changes to disgrace in this country needs to be studied. Honestly, look at me. From being the happening babe of musical instruments to becoming a laughing stock.

How did you become a laughing stock?

Frankly, I blame Nigerian vendors and their so-called romantic packages. I don’t know who gave them the idea that they need to include me as part of their romantic shenanigans, but it has really stained my white.

How so?

You know Nigerians must make money out of every available opportunity. Take Valentine’s Day for example. Biko, why were there more vendors than lovers? Why was supply greater than demand?

Then in a bid to standout out among the sea of vendors, you’ll see some of them looking for a unique angle, and before you know it, I am dragged into the mess.

Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

It would have been good if it was just one vendor. But check every vendor’s package and you will see me. So where is the uniqueness if everybody has seen me finish?

On the contrary, I think you’ve become more popular. Shouldn’t you be excited?

Did I beg you people for popularity? Even if I wanted to become popular, shouldn’t it be for something reasonable? You that is cheating will still drag me to surprise your lover who is also cheating.

Who are we deceiving? And where is the romance in that?

Are you saying you don’t care for romance?

Not on a hot afternoon when people are trying to sleep. It doesn’t even help that some of the so-called saxophonists don’t know how to play. All they know how to do is spray saliva inside me and make noise.

Tell me, does this sound relaxed and romantic to you?

What some of you will be waking up to for Val tomorrow pic.twitter.com/iEzPaoHb2F
— Papi Champú🍾 (@Little_Winger) February 13, 2021

Erm…

A nuisance, that is what Nigerian romance vendors have turned me into. A complete nuisance. Your babe is heartbroken? Play Saxophone for her. You cheated on her? Call Saxophone. Oh, it’s Valentine’s Day? SAXOPHONE.

They don’t care about context or situation, all they want is the money. And what will the end result be? Disgrace. Complete and utter disgrace. Kai. I have really suffered.

Yesterday, a guy surprised his babe at her office. He sent a saxophonist to play her a birthday song.

While saxophonist was playing & other staff were awwwing, the company MD walked in, got angry & threw saxophonist out of the office.

Birthday girl was issued a query.

😭😭😭
— Demola Of Lagos 𓃵 (@OmoGbajaBiamila) August 28, 2019

How does all of this make you feel?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

If you’re walking on the road now, and you see someone carrying a saxophone, what would be your first thought?

Somebody’s daughter is about to suffer.

You see? And you’re asking me how this makes me feel? I have become so overused that instead of being associated with class, Nigerians associate me with noise and suffering.

Wait o, our saxophonist no come church today. pic.twitter.com/URP0Ap8Uda
— The Gentleman (@Mature_Gambino) February 14, 2021

No, I didn’t mean—

You did, and I don’t blame you. It is what you Nigerians do. You spoil people’s lives and then mock them for it. You strip them of dignity and then turn around to call them cheap and classless. You are just as bad as they—

This is starting to become—

Don’t interrupt me. You will go out there now and tell your people—vendors, surprise package people, all of them. Tell them that I said they should leave me alone.

Haven’t they soiled my reputation enough? Tell them I said I don’t care about how they show love or surprise the people in their lives. I just want to be left out of it.

Yes, yes I will.

Good. *Saxophone rolls out*

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Kunle Ologunro

February 19, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

interview with, Saxophone, Valentine packages
6 Nigerian Babies On Finding Themselves In Nigeria Against Their Will

Following the successful launch of our satirical series, Interview With… on Friday, we are still very much in the bantering mood, so we’ve decided to sit down with a few more voiceless people.

For today’s interview, we have “spoken to” six frustrated Nigerian babies to let us know what their experiences have been like since they found themselves in Nigeria against their will.

Ann, 3 months.

I’ve been on earth about 200 times, and I’ve never filled Nigeria on my country allocation form, so imagine my shock when I found myself here. If God wanted to punish me, they should have just told me now.

June, 1.5 months

I am so tired of being here. My mum thinks I like to sleep, but I’m secretly trying to slide into a coma, so I can go back to baby heaven to fight.

Alice, 12 months

I didn’t even fill a form, I was playing a little too much in heaven when God said they’ll scold me. The whole time I thought they will tell me to sing 20 times instead of the 15 times we usually sing, but instead, they sent me to Nigeria. Anyway, my parents are rich and are planning to move to Canada. Alice 1- God 0

Danjuma, 6 months

God did a slide show of all the countries, and when they got to Nigeria they only showed us the Eko Atlantic and Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That’s how I filled Nigeria in my form and was born in Sagamu. I cry a lot hoping my mum will deliberately return me, but she’s experienced. She’s had 9 before me.

Tems, 8 months

My parents decided to teach me my A-Zs using countries, anytime they get to a country I filled as an option on my form, I start to wail. They don’t know why and they don’t understand. At whatever age God sees me again, it’s on sight.

Tunde, 3 months

Maybe it’s because I picked New Zealand; maybe New Zealand and Nigeria are too close in the database, I don’t know. The delivery guy sha dropped me in Nigeria. I don’t even cry, I just don’t eat, let natural selection take its course. Mind you, I’ve been in New Zealand before, so I don’t know how the delivery guy could make such a silly mistake.

Ibukun

February 15, 2021

Interview With…

babies, baby slander, Nigerian