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If you didn’t think maths was fun during the years you had to take it, then you must have lots of “this-isn’t-what-I-signed-up-for” moments. For the most part, you had to tolerate the abusive relationship. But there were times when its attempts to make your life hell came to the fore, and you had absolutely no control over it.
Allow us to remind you of some of these moments:
That time during class when the teacher asked for volunteers to solve a problem and you raised your hands in the hopes that you wouldn’t be called but the insensitive teacher handed you the chalk.
Sorry master. I didn’t mean to do that.
The few times you understood the examples the teacher gave. But the classwork was something different.
Please, how did we get here? Kill me now.
You flipping the pages to the back of the book where the answers were.
Don’t blame the player. Blame the goddamn game.
The time you told the teacher you didn’t understand an explanation and you were greeted with the “which part don’t you understand?” retort.
Uhm… Never mind.
The time the maths whiz-cum-your-dependable friend got separated from you during a test.
Y’all done set me up to fail now!
The few times you got an equation right or solved a problem.
Look who’s got the best brain now!
The times you had to move from the topics you actually understood to new strange ones.
To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new installment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.
This week, a former corps member gives a brief recount of his experience as a teacher in one of Nigeria’s neglected institutions and the lessons this experience taught him.
In 2015, freshly graduated with a degree in Environmental Science from a rather pricey UK university, I returned to Nigeria for my service year. In my estimations, I had one year of rocking poorly-tailored khakis with fanny packs, community building projects and shouting ‘corper wee’ without provocation, cut out for me. My heart was brimming with excitement.
What I didn’t plan for, however, was having that excited, hearty real estate, getting overrun with disappointment, when I was posted to teach in a school so neglected by the government, its most modern amenity was coloured chalk.
If you recall, 2015 was the year the naira and the hopes of Nigerians locked fingers and took a simultaneous jump off the back of a former dictator turned president. Our currency had just crashed and it appeared the only change our president was capable of bringing was bus fare. And yet somehow, I stayed optimistic, excited even, for my return to carry out the NYSC programme.
Which is why rather than ‘runs’ my way through three weeks of camp and the entirety of the programme as was repeatedly suggested to me, I spent three weeks in matching whites — learning drills, dodging soldiers and unwinding at the mammy market, leaving my posting and the rest of my service year purely to chance. When fate struck and declared my place of primary assignment as *SunnyVille Group of Schools, located in a never before heard of part of Ogun State, I was only too happy to oblige.
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On my first trip to my PPA, I had no idea what to expect, so I let my optimism get the best of me. When the bustling, traffic-heavy landscape of Lagos gave way to the lush greens of Ogun State, I was thankful for all the fresh air I’d be taking in. When we arrived at the buka-laden community where the school was located, zero fast-food restaurants in sight, I whooped at the opportunity to eat only traditional meals for a time. But when I came face to face with what was to be my workplace for the next year, my good cheer started to glitch.
Imagine a shoe box, scaled up for humans, but just barely. Per a rusty, rundown sign outside of it, SunnyVille was a primary and secondary school, a fact I had to confirm by venturing in, without any permission.
To my surprise, this government approved school had students between the ages of 10 and 18 learning in classes divided by thin planks of wood to maximise space. Signs written in chalk announced doors leading to three classes: basics, junior and secondary schools all jumbled together. The floors were made of untiled concrete, the kind you had to water before sweeping. There were almost no windows in place, and the school was lit purely by natural light. A disconnected line outside and subsequent communication informed me that Sunnyville and its students had been without electricity for close to a year.
When I found my way to the proprietor, I asked what kind of extra-curriculars were in place for the students, to which he confusingly responded that all his pupils were hard working. He informed me that Jss 3 and SS 2 were in different terms from the rest of the school, and yet somehow didn’t think it odd that students were learning in such an unsuitable environment. To him, they had to make do with what they had.
And since 1973, the Nigerian government has been reading from the book of ‘Making Do’ — placing incompetent corps members in charge of the formative learning stages of student life. It is how I, a grossly unqualified Environmental Science degree holder came to teach civil studies and basic science to primary school students. And agriculture, geography and biology to secondary school students. The remainder of the Sunnyville teaching staff consisted of even more corps members and only four permanent staff members.
In my service year, I taught classes of students who were tickled by the thought of learning with computers. Who couldn’t help but shy away from a laptop when I brought it in to demonstrate its teaching and learning possibilities. Students who genuinely believed their requirement to clear surrounding grass with hoes and rakes in the generation of lawnmowers was a necessary part of their education. Who remarkably, showed great patience when classes had to be paused when darkened rain clouds prevented visibility.
And yet somehow, like flowers blooming through concrete, these same students amazed me with their brilliance. In the latter part of 2015 and for the majority of 2016, I had the privilege of teaching children who never failed to ask the right questions, or give the right answers. Whose eagerness to learn, in spite of stifled conditions showed a resilience beyond their years. Under my charge, there were aspiring doctors, lawyers, engineers and even a writer. Aspiring professionals whose optimism and fiery ambitions could not be put out by a government or an educational system unconcerned with their progress.
If ever I needed an indicator that success could be made in spite of Nigeria, I only had to look to the rusty sign of the Sunnyville group.
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
This week, we’re catching up with Tinuke Fashakin, a Nigerian nurse who is on the verge of living the American dream as an actress. She recently moved from Atlanta to California, and she’s giving us all the deets on juggling life as a Nigerian, a nurse and an aspiring actress in America.
Forget Palm trees and boulevards, we want inside gist. What are 3 things about California you don’t see in the movies?
First, homeless people. There are a lot of them on the streets, around supermarkets, in park benches. It’s the most interesting contradiction because there’s a lot of wealth in the state and almost as much poverty around. Then donughts.It is the most random thing but there are doughnut shops on every corner. The TV trope about policemen and doughnuts fully comes alive in California. And maybe distance. Everywhere seems so far. You could be ten miles away and it would take you an hour to get to your destination.
How long have you lived in America? Plenty long. I’ve lived here since I was 15. I’m a registered nurse now, with about 5 years experience. It’s been a hot minute.
15 is pretty young. Why did you move there? Itwas young. I left in SS2, so I was spared the worst of WAEC and JAMB, thank God! My dad got this idea that it was time for his children to receive abroad breeze on a daily and get his money’s worth for education. So he used his status as a Permanent Resident to file for us, even though he lives and works mostly in Nigeria with my mother. That’s how I found myself in the heart of Atlanta shortly before I turned16.
ATL! Okay Childish Gambino. What was it like landing there at such a young age?
LOL. It was a surreal experience. It was my first time in America, my first time away from my parents, from my boyfriend, my best friend. Just away from everyone I knew and loved. My brother and I lived in the home of our Nigerian family friends in Georgia, which was a lot different from the hot, messy, messed up country I was used to. Do you get?
Fully. What was living in Atlanta like though?
There are Nigerians everywhere! So even though it wasn’t exactly home, I was surrounded by enough Nigerian food and enough Nigerian people — even besides those I was living with, to at least get a healthy serving of Nigeria on a daily basis.
Hold up. I heard food. How easy was it to get some amala and ewedu in Paperboy’s backyard?
Man, there are Nigerian restaurants everywhere you turn, and if you were too lazy to go, somebody’s mommy was definitely throwing it down at home. Forget, once it came to food, I was always strapped.
Let’s back it up to when you went to school there. Where does a 15-year-old Nigerian immigrant start from in the US educational system?
Even though you can probably rough it in Nigeria, 15 was too young for me to get into any like tertiary institutions, so I was pulled back a year to 10, which is Nigeria’s equivalent of maybe SS 1, before being promoted two classes ahead of my year. So I went from year 9 to year 11 in about a year.
Did anyone say Nigerian excellence?
Haha. I had all As and my mom made a big deal out of it for like five years afterwards. I was just happy to be progressing if I’m being honest. It was such a different experience from what I was used to in Nigeria though. There I was, almost done with SS2 and I was thrown into a high school with people who should have been my peers and I was writing research papers for the first time, actively learning through computers for the first time, learning multiple languages for the first time. It was wild. Plus they incorporate academics with sports, a whole new experience for me, but with everything, I gra-grad my way through it.
Energy. So you’re a nurse now, what’s the process of getting that certification compared to say, a Nigerian in university looking to study nursing. I’m not too sure what nursing requirements are necessary in Nigeria. But right after high school, I got my nursing prerequisites, before attending Emory University Nursing School. Oh, but there is one thing I noticed. America allows high school students looking to go into medicine shadow doctors and nurses, something I’m pretty sure doesn’t happen in Nigeria for say secondary school students.
Interesting. Oh yeah. But back to certification, there’s this certification examination you have to write which is very make or break to get into the nursing profession. Some people never pass it. It gets intense.
Wild. So what’s life like, being a nurse?
Maaan, it is such a rush. I’m a labour anddelivery nurse and just about every day or every other day I get to witness the birth of new life into the world. I don’t know why anybody does drugs, it is such a high on its own. Funny story, right before your call came in, I had just assisted in a delivery where the patient was an Igbo woman. It has its moments where things are extremely stressful, but I enjoy it for the most parts. I’m a travel nurse now, so I get to work 8-hour shifts, for three days. Back when I was a staff nurse, it was 12-hour shift, 5 days of the week.
Let’s talk about you being a travel nurse.
So it’s this thing where nurses get the opportunity to work temporarily in establishments like hospitals. Right now I change hospitals every three months. I decided to switch nursing roles when I decided acting was something I was serious about and needed the right education to back it up. So I made a plan to move to California for acting school, from Atlanta while working in a flexible nursing role that allowed time for me to focus on attending an acting school as well as the profession. Plus, it feels great to have some control over your time, not having to ask permission for days off, not being limited to two-weeks off, it’s pretty liberating.
Wait. You’re combining nursing and acting? Is there a second head I’m missing from your pictures?
LMAO. I wish. A lot of the time, it feels like I’m working two jobs. When I’m not helping to pop out babies and check patient temperatures, I’m back at home studying scripts and movies like my life depends on it. Which, it kind of does. Right now I’m studying Shakespeare literature for class and oh boy! the work.
How’s acting class going though? You know I said nursing was a high? Well, acting has the same effects. I’m currently a student at Identity School of Acting and every time we have to rehearse and give showcases, it produces a high like you wouldn’t believe. I recently participated in and won a showcase in my school, and well, I’ll send the pictures, it was an indescribable experience.
And living in California? Well, another interesting experience. Again, it was uprooting myself from family and friends I already made in Atlanta, but maybe it’s me doing odeshi, but I quickly adjusted and it’s quite the place to live in. Everyone’s so tan and so healthy, it kind of forces you to level up. Back in Atl, I would eat all the Nigerian starch and palm-oil soups in the world, but these days I’m taking green smoothies and cauliflower rice. It’s wild,. I’m finally eating consistentlY like a nurse would. Lol.
So would you ever leave nursing for acting? Well, it’s something that will probably have to happen eventually, but I’m up for it.
Get those acting coins sis! Last question, would you ever move back to Nigeria?
Man, I’m in Nigeria just about every year anyway, so it never feels like I’m away from it too long. I’ve toyed with the idea a number of times, but I guess I’ll have to wait to see where life takes me.
To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new instalment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.
This week, a young woman recollects how weight gain in her adolescence, led to the development of an eating disorder. A dark hole she was luckily pulled out of through a mild bout of self-conceit.
At 13, I experienced the most pivotal moment of my adolescence and I was completely unaware of it. Overweight and staring at my mirrored reflection in the guest bathroom one night, I pored over every stretch mark, every neck roll and every swing my arms took from even the slightest jiggle. I had recently learnt that the fastest way to motivate weight loss was to watch yourself eat in the nude. Deciding to spare myself the indignity, I chose the after-effects instead. My protruding stomach from that night’s dinner and my now eclipsed vagina provided double servings of persuasion. Sticking two fingers down my throat, it was the first time I caused myself to throw up after a meal.
For most people, personal weight gain is this big puzzle. This “I just woke up and was 30 pounds overweight” mystery. Like some unknown enemy chose to swap bullets of lead for kilograms of bodyfat and pelt them at night. In my situation, however, I could pinpoint timelines, meals and probably even dates if I thought about it hard enough.
At eight, I was a lean, quick-witted tween, whose world view revolved a little too seriously around the philosophy: ‘you see what that man did? A woman can do it ten times better’ — a belief system taught by a proudly feminist mother and re-inforced by a yet to be shaken faith in self. Primary school academics, sports and leadership were treated with a war-like urgency against my male peers that went beyond my years. So when it came time to marking territory at home against my only two siblings — boys, I went more than a little apeshit.
I made sure pranks against me were repaid with a rather unfair measure of their pound of flesh. I refused to be excluded from physical activities, forcing my way into playing defence, offence and goalkeeping in their football matches. And when it came to those games children play with food — who could steal the most food from the kitchen? Who could take the most food from their siblings? First to finish the most food, I more than held my own.
By ten, after heaps and heaps of food had been consumed, most times in a rush — I went from participating in a multi-player culinary competition to being the sole contender, when even my older male siblings couldn’t keep up with my diet.
It was around this time I started to notice a slight hesitation in my zipper when I put my school uniform on. A new heaviness every time I attempted to stand and a never-ending hunger school lunches and contraband snacks just couldn’t satisfy. By thirteen, after I had made the leap from elementary to junior secondary school, I was clearing a packed ‘lunch’ from home for my ‘second breakfast’. The school provided lunch for an early ‘brunch’ and a purchased meal from the school canteen for my final school meal of the day, all of these supported with intermittent snacking of course.
By that age, all the cheery tones describing my rapidly multiplying waistline and dress sizes to my parents, as mere ‘growing pains’ had gone down three timbres, taking on sombre tones usually reserved for the dying.
“Watch that girl”, they said in stage whispers to whichever parent was toting me around, “she’s getting too big”. All the while pointing accusatory fingers at me, in case I had somehow managed to miss the reference.
And watch that girl I did. By JSS3, I had witnessed myself transform from an athletic, usual suspect for class captain, front and centre bubbly student — to a quiet, too scared to take up space, backbencher.
I hated my body, I hated my appetite, I hated the stares I attracted in public transportation, I hated feeling like I needed permission to exist. By 13, on a six-month extended break home following the completion of my junior WAEC, I become more concerned with my looks than any child psychologist would find healthy — I manically investigated the quickest ways to lose weight.
Reducing portions only worked for a time before I decided to reward myself with daily cheat meals. I felt too awkward exercising and turned to comfort foods when I didn’t see immediate results. Praying about my weight only made me feel pathetic.
It was only when I stumbled across the deceptively exotic-sounding names – ‘bulimia’, ‘anorexia’, eating disorders that have ended lives and ruined food consumption for many, that I realised I stood a fighting chance of losing weight.
After my first try, naked, emptying the contents of my stomach, it became a daily routine. Every meal was followed by a trip to the nearest toilet. My hurls masked by loud music and running water. To hide the tears that usually followed from making yourself sick, I frequently took baths — three or four a day most times. My family never suspected a thing. You had never seen a teenager on holiday so clean.
When I started to see results from denying myself the satisfaction of digesting food, I decided to take things a notch higher. Actual starvation. Where I would take three meals, they became two and even that dwindled to one.
Days where I successfully had no meals, I would beam at my reflection with pride, taking the hunger pangs strumming away in my stomach as victory cries against obesity. Soon, I couldn’t eat a meal without feeling the need to throw up, even without needing the usual prodding of my fingers.
Within 6 months, after routinely throwing up and starving myself, I had managed to go from a soaring size 14 to a fast whittling away 8. I began my senior year of secondary school, a freak to be studied by my peers. ‘Did she have AIDS?’ ‘Maybe she got an abortion?’ ‘How is she so skinny?’
Anyone else would have hated the rumours, I was just happy to be the subject of a conversation that didn’t revolve around the potency of my farts. The fact that I was always dizzy, had come to always find myself hungry and couldn’t bear to look at food without a longing that went beyond hunger were things I chose not to dwell on. That I was essentially living a half-life at only 13 was irrelevant. I was happy to be dress sizes down and society’s idea of beautiful, and that was that.
There’s a chance I would have retained this ‘happiness’, and continued on to be forty-five-year-old taking bathroom breaks in between lunches to empty her gut, had it not been for this post from 2013 by Yagazie Emezi I stumbled on while randomly reading her blog in class in ss1. I can’t believe it’s still on the internet.
The thing about bulimia is, for all the good you might feel losing weight and fitting into envied clothes; a world of harm is being done to your body. From dental sensitivity to throat problems to mineral imbalances, the bad always, always outweighs whatever physical good is thought to be done.
For me, no bad was more unforgivable than the swollen neck glands highlighted by the article. A tell-tale sign of bulimia sufferers, the bloated glands usually result from an irritation caused by constantly having stomach acids pass through the throat.
Taking an excuse from class, I rushed to the school toilet to examine my jawline in 3D, and there it was, staring back at me, a face that was fast taking on the shape of a pufferfish!
I wish I could say something more profound put an end to my bulimia. Perhaps body positivity, or a healthy meal plan I finally decided on and stuck to, but really, I just didn’t want to be called ‘fish face’ by my peers. The fact that Bulimia sufferers have an increasingly high chance of mortality and worrying rates of suicide completely lost on me. I just didn’t want to look funny.
It has been many years since the thought of swollen glands put an end to my disorder for good and even now it is still unbelievable that vanity at such a young age pushed me to do a most unthinkable, hateful thing against my body, and just as easily pulled me out of it. Since then I have adopted a body positivity I wished I had in my youth. Never fretting when the pounds heap on, and being just as casual if they do come off. Life is a little too short to be overrun by kilograms on a scale or people asking that you ‘watch it’ before you even learn about Pythagoras Theorem.
I haven’t really sat to watch anything Big Brother since there was still a Big Brother Africa, and even then, it was only that one season with Bayo and was it Tapunwa?
Anyway, against my free will, I have somehow been in the loop for every Big Brother since then. I knew when Mwisho and Meryl got engaged in the house. When Keri Hilson came through to perform for the housemates and even that time Thin Tall Tony showed his ass to the world for some pity votes. I could probably pass a quiz on Big Brother through the years at this rate.
This year’s Big Brother is no different. Even though I still haven’t bothered to find the station showing it, I know there’s some ‘Yoruba blue blood’ in the house. Somebody’s married and someone has been doing Santana Claus for the girls that forgot to bring wigs to the house.
However, I’ve only been getting half-half gist from Twitter, so I need some of my BFFs on Zikoko to help with answering these questions that have been on my mind:
1. Who in that house jumped fence?
Is it Mike with the accent or Awolowo’s grandbaby? I would like to know.
You’re going for your cousin’s wedding in Osogbo and you need a ride, but your uncle’s car is full. You decide to use public transportation so you go to a park and enter “Osun by Car”. It’s the best you can find. Here’s a list of all the people you’ll meet on that ride.
1. The Preacher
With his loud voice, he’ll pop out of nowhere and stand outside the car to scare you about hell and the fact that anyone can die at anytime (especially on long bus rides). Then he’ll pray for you not to die. You can see that he’s bullshitting but since everyone is saying “amen” you have have to join so they won’t think you’re the devil
Oh…and what’s church without offering?
2. The Driver
Now that the bus is full, he’ll give you a form to fill with the details of your next of kin in case something bad happens. He’s smiling and gisting with his friends. He seems friendly until he starts collecting money and can’t find change. He’ll tries to kill you multiple times with his driving and when anyone complains, he’ll tell them to come and collect the steering from him since they know how to drive.
3. The Sleeper
He’ll sit by the window, and will start sleeping first with his head leaning against the window, but if you’re unlucky, on your shoulder. Once you’re out of the park, he’s gone. Till you reach your destination (or he nods himself awake, looks round and continues sleeping).
4. The Buyer
This person will buy everything they see on the road; slippers, mouse catcher, USB cable, anything. After some time, they’ll mutter the reason they’re buying it to themselves, only slightly loud enough for the person sitting beside them to hear, just to avoid judgement.
5. The Eater
This journey is a picnic for this person. He will eat such a wide range of foods, you’ll begin to wonder how healthy it is to eat all of that on the same stomach. He’ll start with LaCasera and Gala and you’ll think everything is normal until 30 minutes he whips out a cooler of amala and ewedu to eat with the snail meat he just bought from traffic.
If you smell anything foul, it’s them.
6. The Baby
He looks cute but you know the evil he can cause. Once he gets hungry or uncomfortable that’s the end of peace in that bus. Even his mother is tired. She’ll try to get you to carry him by saying something like “Aunty please help me hold your brother small let me check something from my bag”
You’ll be holding that child for the next hour.
7. The Pessimist
This person will relate every problem they see to something bigger in Nigeria. They know all the coded gist about why that billboard in the middle of nowhere is bent because the government stole all the money and plan to kill us if we talk about it.
8. The Movie Guy
He’ll whip out his android device, plug in his earphones (hopefully) and begin to watch Chinese movies. He’s a chill guy, he doesn’t disturb anybody.
9. The Caller
This guy is steady making and receiving calls. Someone is always checking on him to find out where he is and he’s always asking the driver “where we don reach?” and the other person he’s constantly talking to is a family member who is on his side of the family drama which you now know all the details of.
I became a Big Brother Naija fan in 2017, avidly following the show and live tweeting my hot takes on all the drama. It was even more interesting to me because a lover and I were watching it as a sort of shared activity, something we could always discuss and watch “together” even when we were not in the same city.
Last year, it formed an anchor in my life where all else seemed pretty shaky. This year, however, the show has failed to grab me even though I had been impatiently waiting for it to begin since last year.
Here are my hot takes as to why this is:
1. Who do 2019 housemates remind you of from previous seasons?
The housemates this year seem to have been painstakingly selected to fit certain roles created by previous housemates of the last two seasons of the show. For instance, Omashola this year fills the slot of “real and down to earth” Season 2 winner, Efe.
We even have our token married man, Mike, representing Thin Tall Tony in 2017 and Dee One in 2018. Tacha seems to be the 2019 equivalent of the controversial CeCe from last year’s edition.
I feel like if the right type of pressure is applied to these characters, the ensuing drama would generate even more publicity since the previous season was such a huge success. These similarities in personality are actually interesting resources that could work to the advantage of the viewer ratings, but alas
2. Fake evictions, surprise housemates…
An all too familiar script: The script seems too familiar, with Tacha and Seyi held in a separate room just like Bisola and Bally were fake evicted in 2017, and Khloe and Anto in 2018. “Surprise” additional housemates were brought in – Debie Rise and Bassey, Ese and Jon in 2017, and now Venita, Elozonam, Joe, Cindy and Enkay this season. What’s with the formula, guys?
3. I don’t have a problem with recycling but…
The Friday night games seem to be poorly recycled versions of themselves. In the 2nd season of the show, the Friday night games used to be exciting, competitive and engaging to watch. In the 3rd season, the games didn’t seem as interesting, but if you generally enjoyed watching the show, you would find the challenges fairly interesting to watch. This season, the games seem to carry on for very long because they lack that extra edge of an adrenaline rush.
4. It’s a small world, but that doesn’t mean the house has to be.
The house is TINY (I may be exaggerating here, but bear with me) compared to the one in South Africa that was used in the last two seasons. Let’s just say that the beds are pretty much all touching, the arena door is BESIDE THE REFRIGERATOR, and the kitchen is a colourful narrow hallway with a sink at the end.
5. I WANT MORE BROMANCE AND SOME HATERS
There do not seem to be as many organic relationship dynamics as there should be. 2017 gave us an instant gang formed by Efe, Bisola, Bally, Marvis and Thin Tall Tony as well as an interesting attraction between Miyonse and T-Boss. Last year, we were blessed with the incredibly sweet bromance between Miracle and Tobi, and the Alex-Cece rivalry. This year, none of the Khafi-Gedoni, Seyi-Nelson, Mercy-Ike connections are as remarkable as those of the past years.
6. All these Ads
The ad breaks are super long. Some of the ads also do not look like they belong on the show – more like a simple promotion on Instagram for two weeks would have sufficed.
7. One last one…
The housemates are not being pushed as much. Where are the psychology and sociology experts? The creative writers who have studied reality TV shows from all over the world? They should be watching the show and coming up with scenarios that would stimulate the behaviours of these people trapped in the same house together.
These housemates seem to be relaxed with nothing new and different challenging them.
Nothing a few strokes of cane or a lirru hardship won’t solve
Does that mean I’m gon’ stop watching it? Never
All that slander out of the way though, I love big brother; and I am still watching the show especially with Don Jazzy tweeting about it like an obsessed person. I find the idea of the show extremely interesting from a behavioural psychology angle.
Recently, I was binge-watching the second season of Workin’ Moms,a Canadian television sitcom about a group of friends dealing with the challenges of being working mothers and being women generally. In one episode, Alice Carlson, played by Sadie Munroe got her period for the first time and was aghast by the reality that women got periods every month for a long time – well until menopause. This was pretty much the look on her face.
Pretty much the look on my face when I heard it too.
She was so shocked that she believed that being a girl sucks.
It can feel that way if you have to bleed every month and still deal with negative stereotypes, gender norms and sexual harassment. It’s crazy how, every period feels like a new one: the pain feels new, the cramps feel new, the emotions feel new. And every period, a woman is aghast that she has to go through it for several more months and years before it stops on it’s own, and tells herself that it sucks to be a woman.
This made me realise that while a lot of period experiences are unique, there are some things about periods women from all over can relate to in spite of age, class and race. I decided to put some of them together for you.
1. Does Everything or Every-freaking-thing hurt?
Periods often come with cramps — headaches, stomach aches, back aches, leg aches — all the aches, you name them. This can be particularly excruciating if you have to work, attend lectures or be at a place where you’re expected to be all smiles and civil — everywhere other than your bed.
Every time I remember that there are some women out there who don’t get any kind of pain, I ask myself who did I offend.
2. Not Knowing You’re On Your Period
One of the most annoying parts about getting your period is getting it when you absolutely did not expect it. There’s an embarrassing story about a woman getting her period while having sex here. Some women get PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome, which acts like a warning) when they’re about to get periods. Others don’t. Some women have regular periods that are easily trackable. Some don’t. So it can be really annoying — like the entire world hates you and has conspired against you — if you’ve made plans and it just shows up.
Imagine being in public transport or elsewhere and your Aunt Flo just pops up like, “Surprise, Surprise!” with little or no consideration for the fact that you don’t have a sanitary pad or tampon. That little bitch.
Or waking up to your bed — a crime scene. Better clean it up before your roommate calls the police.
3. The reaction when someone asks you how you feel:
OR
4. Every woman knows it’s that time of the month when her skincare routine doesn’t work anymore.
Any time my expensive skincare routine stops working all of a sudden, or I wake up and discover a huge-ass talking-pimple on my forehead, I just know that Aunt Flo is around the corner. Worst part about these kinds of pimples is that they’re always so huge and painful.
5. Being told to be calm during your period.
Men are constantly telling women that they’re overreacting. There have been several conversations on social media where people try to whittle down the pain a woman feels during her period, or equate it with “blue balls.” I’ve got four words for you:
6. There’s nothing sacred about the words PERIOD or MENSTRUATION.
It’s always so hilarious when people feel ashamed to say “period” or “menstruation.” Periods are a natural process experienced by half the world’s population; they are a sign of life. So, why is the subject and the word(s) cloaked in secrecy and shame? Honey, it’s just a word…
7. When your period decides to play hide and seek
Because the first thing that comes to your mind is that you’re pregnant. Meanwhile, your boring-ass self hasn’t had sex in a long ass time. But when a hundred years later, your period comes just as you’re about to start getting comfortable with a period-less month, you’re torn between rejoicing and crying.
8. Not finding the right brand of tampons or sanitary pads you’ve used all your life.
This can be very frustrating, especially if it’s the same store where you always get them. It’s even worse when the store attendant tries to offer you a replacement.
9. Standing up and realising the map of Africa isn’t painted red at the back of your dress or jeans.
The rare occasion you celebrate during the excruciating five or a million days (because sometimes, it feels like it’ll never end) you get your period is likely when you’ve not gotten stained in a bit.
10. Surviving
Surviving has to be the best and most important part, because all through the period cycle, you’ll most likely feel like you’re going to die. But now that it’s over, you get to celebrate, YAY!
Even though the Nigerian government has its many, many, many downsides — what with rife corruption, nepotism and the faintest smidge of a dictatorship on the horizon — we’ll always have it to thank for powering the shove that followed the push, to birth some of the most innovative ideas that directly benefit the lives of Nigerians.
From start-ups tackling maternal mortality, to another granting credit to agricultural institutions, Nigerian founders, fed up with the government’s ineffectiveness, took their “fine, I’ll fix it” moments to the #NextLevel 😊, setting up companies to handle Nigeria’s most difficulty-riddled sectors.
In no particular order, here are some of our favourite founders, with highlights of the great work their individual companies are carrying out:
Temie-Giwa Tubosun.
Founder – LifeBank Nigeria.
With a population of 180 million, Nigeria requires at least 1.8m units of blood annually to better handle emergency cases and to build a sustainable blood bank. At just 500,000 pints yearly, the country faces a shortfall of at least 75%.
Thanks to Temi-Giwa Tubosun, the founder of LifeBank“a medical distribution company that uses data and technology to help health workers discover essential medical products like blood and oxygen”, this deficit is being corrected.
To understand the magnitude of the task she and her team at LifeBank are taking on, as of 2016, no fewer than 26,000 women lost their lives annually to blood shortages. 20,000 children under the age of five lost their lives due to lack of blood, all in a country where the rate of voluntary blood donations is at an abysmal 10%.
Since 2016, LifeBank has moved 15,709 units of blood across hospitals and screening centers. Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, described the project saying: “If everyone had the opportunity to build something like this, then the world would be a better place.” And he couldn’t be more on the mark.
In addition to providing these services to hospitals, LifeBank also has an amazing goal to raise ₦ 100 million to provide the underprivileged with access to blood and oxygen at no cost. Make sure to donate here.
Uka Eje.
Founder – ThriveAgric
Despite agriculture being a key sector in the country’s economy, providing employment opportunities for about 30% of the nation’s population, the sector is riddled with difficulties. About 15-40% of the post-harvest output is lost to poor processing, inadequate transport systems and inefficient storage systems. These are due largely to poor education and financing.
That’s where ThriveAgric comes in. Its founder, Uka Eje, recognising that funding was a large part of the factors hindering best agricultural practices, set up a company allowing members of the public to fund farms to increase the chances of increased output.
With ThriveAgric, farmers are provided with the funds to farm as well as access to a premium market. The members of the public investing, are guaranteed returns at the end of each farming cycle. Everybody wins! We so much love it.
You can start the process and adopt your own farm, here.
Abolade Lawal, Abayomi Johnson, Maxwell Ogunfuyi.
Founders – ScholarX.
In case you didn’t know, you are looking into the faces of the very best friends of Nigerian students.
Using their Scholars platform, Lawal, Johnson and Ogunfuyi are connecting Nigerian students, home and abroad to scholarship opportunities.
Realising the very uneven playing field caused by the high cost of earning degrees, the app grants Nigerian students access to credible scholarship information, giving them all the details necessary to finding and securing the right scholarship. Since its launch, ScholarX has assisted over 10,000 Nigerian students gain access to scholarship opportunities. It has also raised over ₦ 6.5million for its Village by ScholarX project, where the tuition and school fees of Nigerian students are crowdfunded via the app.
Adeloye Olanrewaju.
Founder – SaferMom
Nigeria is the second largest contributor to under-five and infant mortality rates in the world, with about 2,300 under-five-year-olds and 145 women of childbearing age dying every.single.day.
Recognising the need to overcome this crisis, Adeloye Olanrewaju founded SaferMom, a platform to educate and support expectant and nursing mothers on the physical, psychological and social tolls of motherhood. Using an SMS platform, it broadens the reach to women without access to internet facilities, allowing them to share and connect with other experienced mothers and verified doctors, monitor and track their health, vaccination & medication reminders as well as symptoms and nutrition guides.
SaferMom uses a community of health workers, together with mobile technology to follow up on the health of mother and baby, immunization schedules and behavioural routines. The service is available in English, Hausa, Yoruba, and pidgin.
How great are these companies doing? With founders like these, who even needs an overseeing government? Joking, but not really. If you can’t wait till their long term goals are realised, say aye. What other founders are doing great work around you? Let us know in the comments.
While Nigeria toiled at the African Cup of Nations in Cairo, another team of footballers strove to do their country proud in the world’s football mecca.
AK Marvelous, the Nigerian team was minutes away from possible elimination.
Neymar Jr and Team Nigeria pose for a portrait at Red Bull Neymar Jr’s Five World Final 2019 in Praia Grande, Brazil on July 13, 2019
Under Sao Paulo’s glowering sun and in just under 20 minutes they had played two games. Their first game against Kenya ended in a 3-0 victory.
Then, they decided to watch their next opponents, Neymar Jr. Five, court-side, play ahead of their second game against them. This team was a special selection of players from different countries. A dream team if you will. But they were losing. They had gone five goals down against Brazil. The Nigerian team was confident they would defeat them. They exchanged assurances amongst themselves that the team was a walkover. They laughed as their soon-to-be opponents conceded goal after goal.
The Neymar Jr. Five defeated Nigeria 5-0.
After the defeat, the Nigerian team headed for the bleachers. At first, an argument threatened to break out amongst them. Blames were traded. The leader of the team, Teslim Ayomide immediately shut it down. He acknowledged they had taken their opponents for granted. He gathered his team in a circle. He calmly pointed out where everyone including himself had made mistakes. He asked for ideas on how they could beat their next opponent, Brazil, supposedly the best technical team in the competition. If they did not win, they would not progress to the next round.
“That was the best part of the tournament for me. The motivation. The talks. The adrenalin. We didn’t care who we were playing next. We knew we had to win,” recalled Lukman Olagoke, one of the team’s players.
Around the Nigerian team, other teams – 42 of them, from across the world – played, won, lost, strategized against opponents, screamed at each other.
Venue at Neymar Jr’s Five World Final in Praia Grande, Brazil on July 13, 2019.
The teams had travelled to Brazil for the Red Bull Neymar Jr tournament, the biggest five-a-side competition in the world, now in its fifth edition. It is held at the Instituto Projeto Neymar Jr, a football institute set up by Neymar and his family, in Praia Grande, a beachside municipality in São Paulo. Neymar is one of the biggest footballers in the world, and Red Bull, the biggest energy drink company in the world, that promises to give its drinkers “wings”. It is a fitting partnership.
The AK Marvelous team had emerged triumphant in the national stage of the tournament, beating 35 other teams in the country to represent Nigeria in Brazil. Across the world, over 100,000 players from 40 countries had competed to be at the finals.
The tournament was a very entertaining change from what the average football fan might be used to. Each game ran for only 10 minutes or ended when five goals had been scored. No goalkeeper was allowed. When a goal was scored, a player from the conceding team had ti leave the pitch. Each team had five players and was allowed two substitutes. Yet, it was clear in Sao Paulo that no matter what surface, no matter what the rules were, football inspired the same amount of emotions: a lot. Playing across a surface that would otherwise be a quarter of a regular-sized football pitch and for only ten minutes, players were as passionate, driven and hungry for victory as they would be on a bigger stage.
As such, the tournament was rich in highlights. It felt like a model United Nations of football, featuring a diverse group of teams that are not seen often in international tournaments like Georgia, Qatar, Kuwait or Mauritius. It produced refreshing David v. Goliath results that might be unlikely in professional football competitions (Panama 5 v. England 1 // Hungary 5 v. Brazil 0).
Venue at Neymar Jr’s Five World Final in Praia Grande, Brazil on July 13, 2019.
It reflected where the world is or should be going in terms of integration and diversity. Qatar’s team, for instance, was entirely made up of non-indigenes from Mali. The Japenese team had a half-Dutch player. The English team had two Nigerian players. In other cases, the make-up of the team was striking in ways that had nothing to do with dual nationalities. The Oman team, for instance, was made of family members: uncles and cousins.
The Ibadan-based Nigerian team, not to be left out, also, had a compelling story. As recent history goes, Ibadan is no longer known for producing top footballing talent in the country. Its most successful team, Shooting Stars FC last won the Nigerian Premier League in 1998. Yet the AK Marvelous team defeated better-fancied teams from Lagos and Port Harcourt. The team was created from the genius of their coach, Mr. Akeem Moshood. He registered for the competition and assembled the team through selections he made himself and word of mouth, through other footballers’ contacts.
Neymar Jr is seen during Red Bull Neymar Jr’s Five World Final 2019 in Praia Grande, Brazil on July 13, 2019
Before the Red Bull Neymar Jr competition, the seven-man strong team had never played together. The coach made champions out of them anyway. What they lacked in harmony initially, they made up for in determination
“The manager seemed like someone that wanted to help nurture young footballers. I was fasting the day I was called up to join the team. We had practise the same day. I had already trained in the morning and I needed to conserve my strength,” Olagoke recalled.
“After the call, I didn’t care, I had to leave immediately to join the team to train and play. It was not hard settling in.”
Outside of AK Marvelous, all seven men play for different amateur teams and football academies in Ibadan, staying fit and keeping ready for a golden opportunity to show their talents on the global stage. The Red Bull Neymar Jr. tournament was the perfect chance.
When it was time for the final group game against Brazil, the team was sufficiently amped up. Their game had invited considerable attention. The games in the tournament were played simultaneously across three courts but Court 2, most central was where most spectators were focused on.
Perhaps the spectators also knew about the footballing history between Nigeria and Brazil, because they soon gathered from the other courts in large numbers.
The referee blew the whistle for kick-off. The Nigerian team seemed to have decided to invite pressure from the Brazilian attack – wait for an opening and then counter-attack. The decision bore fruit after three minutes. One goal for Nigeria, one Brazilian player off.
Cheers echoed around the stands. There was apparently no love for the home team. In seven minutes, AK Marvelous scored four more unreplied goals, defeating the “best technical” team in the competition, 5-0.
Participants perform during Neymar Jr’s Five World Final in Praia Grande, Brazil on July 12, 2019
Soon after, they had to play against Kuwait in a playoff round after finishing second in their group. They lost and exited the competition. But they do not think they lost at all.
“Travelling to Brazil to represent your country is very big,” Olagoke said matter-of-factly. And it is. While there they also got to meet their football idol, Neymar; and players from other countries, bonding over the beautiful game they love. There were many opportunities to be inspired by the sheer talent on display, accomplishments, pride, the game can bring, which AK Marvelous fully took advantage of.
And that too, Olagoke reckons, is a kind of victory.
The writer was in Brazil at the invitation of tournament organizers Red Bull. All photos courtesy of Red Bull.
As the proud child of my mother, I would NEVER openly admit to being envious of another human being. Yes, I might secretly stalk their Instagram pages and have their profiles permanently positioned in my Twitter search bar, but you would never hear me confess envy out loud.
Until today. Sowing the seed of coveteousness straight inna my heart is no other than the famed Nigerian beauty and lifestyle vlogger, Dimma Umeh.
Sometime during the last week of June, while we were all dodging water puddles and stopping kidnappers with toy drones, super creator and my favourite beauty vlogger, Dimma Umeh, was getting flewed out, representing diverse content creators as a Panelist at the Cannes Lion International Festival of Creativity in France.
But is that the only reason for my envy? Absolutely not.
As one of the most authoritative voices on beauty and lifestyle in Nigeria, Dimma (who I am best friends with in my head), has a mass following with over 284k subscribers on her YouTube channel and around 13.2k on Twitter. But her social media following isn’t why I am in my current predicament either. Let’s examine a few things shall we:
First, look at the flick of that wrist.
As someone whose make-up tools consist of a stringy brow-brush I’ve had since University (I graduated three years ago), a tube of kajal I’m pretty sure gave me an eye infection and some everyday lipgloss, I would very gladly trade my cosmetic abilities (and collection) with Dimma Umeh’s. I mean, just look at that seamless blend, I can’t even apply dusting powder correctly.
Second, Consistency.
As far back as the year 2011, before every Nigerian with an expired student visa decided to start a v(b)log, Dimma was creating content specially for Nigerians with beauty interests. At the time, she was known as ThatIgboChick. Reviewing everything from make-up brands, to skincare products and even lifestyle trends.
Sis has been winning awards for her craft since the year 2012, and hasn’t fallen off once, thanks to her consistently putting out good work for the past 8 years.
*Stares at forgotten drafts from 2013.
A Multi-Talented Queen
A one-woman army, Dimma scripts, shoots and edits the majority of her productions. I still struggle with scheduling emails. This is not an exaggeration.
She gets to live here.
That’s it. That’s the line.
All The PR
Do you know what happens when you consistently put out good work? Let me know when you find out. For Miss Umeh however, a perk of her consistently putting out engaging works is a never ending deluge of free Public Relation packages. These being an opportunity for her to test, love and review products before anyone else gets to.
Other bonuses include getting flewed out, of course.
Somebody please let Ms. Umeh know I’m ready to exchange lives whenever she is. Pros include: I’m alive.
Cons: Well, I once drew my brows and got asked if I had suffered a stroke.
What happened this week? Did you finally start that diet? Did you tell your boss to stick it like you’ve been planning for the past 5 months? Did you lose a little weight?
Well, I’m sure you have positives to all of these questions and your week had a fair share of doldrum and crazy, but I bet your salary entering next week, you did not have a week quite as wild as some of the people featured in this list. Doubtful? Let’s see:
Did you purely by chance discover you had an identical twin sister lurking around your city?
So here’s what happened, 19 years ago, two different women gave birth to children in a hospital, two days apart. One delivered twins while the other a baby girl. Only, when they walked out of their hospital, they somehow left with a child from the other woman.
Fast forward to the blessed year 2019, Melon (one of the twins) attended a sport meet at Shikoti Secondary School and was bombarded by students informing her she had a sister in their school. When her teachers attended an event from Masinde Muliro University, they saw a student (Sharon) that looked exactly like her, confounnding them all as to the similarities in their looks.
The paid eventually connected over Facebook and after taking a DNA test, and news came out this week confirming that they were indeed biological twins. Crazy!
Did you try to drop your pic and go, only to be forcibly dragged back?
Growing up I didn’t see many brown skin women to look up to, we changing that narrative now ❤️👑⚔️ pic.twitter.com/mGyvQeh5CG
Tiwa Savage was having a sexy-ass day and decided to be generous to the world by sharing it. Where she may have missed a step was captioning the picture with, well that.
The thing is, Tiwa Savage lived in Nigeria until she was about 11 years old, and the country at the time was considerably filled with darker skinned role models – Joke Silva, Folake Solanke, Buchi Emecheta to name just a few.
She did not get a lot of fans for it
We should really stop Americanising our stories. This isn't true in the Nigerian context. It's just not. Sigh. https://t.co/rC9JIduoJd
I’m here just wondering how no one spoke about her hair.
Did a gorilla maybe eat more than your net worth as kibble?
This one we’re very not sure about, despite what the guys over at the Kano State Zoo will have us believe.
Does this look like the face of a thief?
The sum of ₦ 6.8 million is missing from the Kano Zoo, which can we just add has a surprising array of animals, and rather than blame it on one of the humans hanging around, some genius decided to pin on the one guy that can’t speak for himself, and also, isn’t even one of the zoos kept animals.
Anyway, they clearly have the wrong primate, leave Caesar out of it and find the real perpetrators.
Did your governor break his pinky promise to you?
Okay, this we all experienced. Despite promising us the resolution of the Apapa gridlock situation within 60 days of his administration, Sanwo-Olu decided to take us all fi idiat this week, by changing mouth and explaining that he meant only a review of the works done on the Apapa road and not a resolution of the traffic.
Somebody threaten him with a return of Sir Waist Trainer so he’ll actually do his job pleasee.
Did your team break a 20-year jinx to make it to the Women’s World Cup knock out stages?
There are very many things that don’t make sense about Nigeria and living in it. Like say how, despite being chock full of mineral resources, Nigerians still somehow straddle the bottom rung of the poverty scale. Or how despite growing up in and singing the praises of a famed neighbourhood in Nigeria, a certain Nigerian musician can miraculously develop an accent as unoriginal as the Ducci belts currently hanging loose on the stalls of Ojuelegba.
Yes, Nigerians have their own little peculiarities, but nothing is quite as baffling as the sudden physical disabilities Nigerians develop in situations most undeserving of them.
Take these circumstances for instance:
Do you suddenly lose the ability to look left or right when you are surrounded by beggars on the street?
Out of nowhere, you morph into Lot’s wife, suddenly unable to look anywhere but forward, for fear that some unsuspecting beggar will eye you out of that ₦50 you so desperately need.
Are you one of those people who suddenly develop a paralysis of the neck AND mysterious side-blindnesss when your risky text while driving, almost sends the driver beside you to the other side?
All of a sudden, your radio becomes and rear mirror become the most important things in this world to you. Forget the life you literally almost took because of a little risky text.
Ever notice how Nigerians become completely blind to the wrong of getting jobs courtesy nepotism, as opposed to merit once they’re involved?
Next thing you know, all talk of ‘Nigeria is corrupt’, changes to ‘Don’t question God’s blessings, plis dear’.
Can anything really beat the instant meningitis/side-blindness Nigerians suddenly develop when visiting the home of a guest who brings food for them to eat?
Their fake serious face while they pretend to not notice the steaming plate of Jollof rice and moin-moin heading their way.
You haven’t experienced peak Nigerian blindness until a Lagos bouncer opens the club gates for the G-wagon that came 20 minutes after you, while you’re still trying to bribe your way in with 3k.
Way to make a guy feel invisible!
Nigerian politicians reacting to the plight of Nigerians trying to survive on less than a Dollar a day when that third additional allowance for the month hits.
No case of selective blindness more extreme than this guys.
If you still have at least half of your salary intact from last week’s alert, then first, let me say I’m proud of you; second, let me help you stretch it.
Being Friday, you might be tempted to engage in a little of the YOLO fantasy and spend what’s left of your monthly rent contribution on a little weekend hijinks, but I’m here to tell you to calm down.
To help make sure you don’t make last month’s mistakes that saw you counting down the seconds till the next payday, here are a few money-saving steps to take:
1. Stay in your house.
The work you did day in and out this week is more than enough action. Do you really need to be up past 10pm practising your turbulent zanku after 10pm? Because your account is full today, doesn’t mean come June 14th, you won’t be regretting the 5k you spent on pepper soup and smirnoff after swallowing disappointment for the third time that week. Even the Lord rested Tunde, even the Lord rested. (Cat gif saying stop)
2. If you must, eat before you go out.
Ever noticed how your cravings get real expensive once your salary hits, well not tonight. This time, you’re going to stuff yourself with the rice and egusi at home before even thinking of smelling that Uber to the Island. Will there be temptation to order a whole fish and some Henny on the rocks, when you just levelled a half-derica of rice by yourself back home? I think not.
3. Be like this guy
Yes, this might look a little disgusting, but do you want to save money or not? Make sure not to mix drinks. We don’t want you spending money on painkillers now do we?
Extra pro-tip: attach to one of those tables with big spenders, they won’t notice if a bottle or 3 go missing. You’re welcome! 😉
4.Or, or, you could do away with clubs and stick to Isi-ewu joints that won’t gate you.
Now if you insist on heading out, may we suggest a deviation from loud and crowded clubs, to well-spaced isi-ewu joints that will feed you and even provide musicians to sing your name and praises. Best part? You won’t spend ₦ 5000 trying to get measly chicken and chips at the club or 40k on a bottle of Ciroc. With about ₦ 3000 max, you can chop like king and even feel like one, Again, you’re welcome.
5.Take your friends along.
Now, to save some money this month, I need you to make like Liverpool and never walk alone. Make sure to invite all your friends to split that Uber. A 40k bottle of Henny doesn’t seem so bad if 19 of your closest friends and family share in it. Plus, you get the added benefit of (crowded) camaraderie.
5. ‘Forget’ your wallet at home.
Now, this might not always work, just ask my now ex- friend Jolaade. Ever had that friend that magically lost their wallets soon as it came time to pay? Then never quite got round to sorting the bill for the appetizer, main meal and desert they skimped out on… well, that can be you.
Side-effects include mass unfriending you and some blocking on all social media, but hey, at least you’d have saved some money.
Which of our wonderful tips will you be adopting to save your salary this weekend?
This week I talk to a woman whose unfaithfulness ended her three-year relationship. She talks about why she did, her regrets and lessons learned.
How long were you in a relationship?
A little over three years. Three good years. Even at the very end, there was no bitterness, just sadness.
How’d you meet?
We were really close friends. I’ve known him since secondary school. He had just gotten out of a nasty relationship, I was in a ‘fuck all men’ phase. And we just started leaning on each other more. Eventually, we decided to explore the romantic angle of our ‘friendship’. So no sparks flew or anything, it was just a natural progression.
How’d the relationship go?
Oh man. It was great you know. Like really good. I don’t know if we ever had a honeymoon phase because of the way our relationship started but it was nice. The first year, we were inseparable. We were that annoying couple that turned up everywhere together even though it was only one person who was invited. Then towards the end of the second year, he had to travel for his master’s. But we wanted to be together so we tried the long distance thing.
Was it hard?
It was incredibly hard. A whole lot harder than I thought it’d be. How do you go from seeing someone every day to not at all? Our lives had become so surprisingly intertwined. I’d find myself doing activities we’d usually do together alone and it made me really sad. Even though we talked every day it felt like I had lost him.
How was he handling it?
He seemed good. Or maybe he was just focused on cheering me up because no day would pass without me whining about how much I wanted him to come back. They were more than a couple of teary FaceTime calls, with all the tears from me. But he seemed genuinely good, happy sef.
The first time you cheated?
Does it count as multiple times if it’s with the same person? It was with a mutual friend, who was more my friend than his. It didn’t happen all at once. There was an accidental kiss when he dropped me at home once. Another one when he had just moved apartments and I went to check out his place. That one somehow ended with both of us in bed.
Was that the only time?
No. No it wasn’t. I first formed, ‘this is a huge mistake’ ‘we should never do this again’ ‘I can’t believe I did this’, the usual. Well I guess it wasn’t forming because those were truly the feelings I was experiencing. But we moved in the same small circle and I saw him all the time. It just felt like what’s the point you know. It’s the same person, one time or multiple times doesn’t change the fact that it happened.
And how did it happen?
How else do these things happen, by being short-sighted and foolish? It’s funny how this was like two or three months before Daye* was supposed to come back. Apart from one December visit we had done the long distance thing for eleven months.
How’d it make you feel?
The first couple of weeks I felt nothing but excitement. It was new it was illicit, I really felt like a bad bitch juggling two ‘relationships’.
Any guilt?
It would bubble up now and then. But it was so easy to push it back down. I didn’t even try to justify it, anytime I started to think about the fact that what I was doing was wrong, I just shut those feelings out. When I was talking with Daye I was a completely different person. I was the doting, loving girlfriend and I just didn’t think of Femi*. And when I was with Femi I was this free-spirited person having fun, I wasn’t in a relationship or cheating, I was just you know, chilling. Of course one of us being a whole continent away helped.
Did Femi* know you were in a relationship?
Yeah, he did. He was my ‘confidant’ at first. I was talking to him about all my fears about my relationship not surviving the long distance thing. Ironically, we also talked about me being afraid Daye will end up cheating on me. Lol. One or two phone calls a week became every day phone calls. We worked in the same area so we’d jam after work. And well na from clap dance they start.
How long did it last?
About two months. Up until Daye came back.
How’d Daye find out?
I told him. It’s a whole lot easier to lie to someone over the phone than to their face. I had actually stopped seeing Femi about two weeks before he came back. Completely cut off contact with him even blocked his number. But when Daye came back he kept on going on and on about how something with me was off. In my head, I was just like ‘shit shit shit he knows’. I confessed in a week.
How did he handle it?
Jesus. He was devastated. The person he had dated before me also cheated and in the messiest way too. When we started dating, we’d talk about how we knew each other too well to be blindsided by that sort of thing. He didn’t break things off immediately. I begged for a second chance and he agreed. Lol, this was crying and rolling on the floor kind of begging. I think he just took pity on me. And it just really says a lot about the kind of person he is. Through his own hurt and anger, he was still thinking about me. Man, I fucked up. Anyway, we limped through another month and a half of the relationship. But it just wasn’t working. He didn’t trust me, I think a little part of him had even started to resent me. So he broke it off again so we could at least save our friendship. Which is funny because we don’t talk anymore.
Why’d you do it?
I can’t say I didn’t mean to. I knew exactly was I was doing. I was lonely. I was just really lonely and craving physical attention. I was young and stupid too.
What do you regret?
Lol, asides fucking doing it? Not ending the relationship when he travelled. I mean we were friends before we started dating. I just think if we had put a pause on it or something then we might have ended up back together. Now it’ll never happen. I don’t think he could ever trust me again and I don’t blame him.
I don’t know if you guys noticed but we have a brand new site. If you play around it a little you’ll notice all these snazzy new features like ‘Zikoko Originals’ where you can find all of our original video content. Or the ‘Recommended Stories’ section where we highlight articles we think you absolutely need to see, in case you missed it when they were published.
One of the most exciting new features we know you’d definitely love though is our Stacks.
It’s these ones though, not the image of bundles of naira and dollar notes that popped up in your head when you saw the word ‘stacks’. But these are also almost as exciting. Like, top two best things to happen to the world since the invention of Agege bread kind of exciting. And it’s not number two.
Here’s how our Z! Stacks work. We made a bunch of ‘article playlists’ based on the oh-so-many interests that unite us as Nigerians. Politics, money, nostalgia, music, being broke, the female struggle, turn up. We packed it all in. Each stack contains a number of articles tied together by one central theme that makes up the stack.
So if you like to read about Lagos and all of its excitement and misery, for instance, you’ll find a bunch of articles about it in the ‘This Is Lagos’ stack.
If you are a 90s baby who’s feeling nostalgic then you can check out that stack and find a couple of articles that’d ignite your nostalgia.
If you want to dive into short horror stories written by @grandpabbychuck that could give Stephen King a run for his money then you should check out the ‘Nigerian Horror Stories’ stack.
There is a whole bunch of them right now and we’ll continue to create more as we go. You could even suggest stacks you’d like to see on the site. Just slide into any of our DMs or shoot me an email – toketemu@bigcabal.com
Have you ever woken up to loud bangs at your door at 4 am? Ever had someone turn off your generator without permission? Then you probably live with your landlord.
It’s immensely frustrating, trust me I know. But it took you months to find this place, you spent thousands of naira on agency fees and it’s a great commute to work. You don’t want to give it up. But you know if you continue to live with your landlord, one of you is going to end up dead and it’s not going to be you.
Before you hit up your old agent to change houses, read this.
Your landlord is not your friend.
Here’s the first thing you should know – your landlord is not your friend. In the first couple of months, he’s going to seem like a really great guy. He’s going to ask about your family and friends, might even invite you over to his house. Don’t fall for it, keep your distance. Because next thing you know he’ll yell loud enough for the whole compound to hear, that you lack home training because you were raised by a single parent. Your offense could be just blocking his car with your own.
You are never home.
Even when you are home, you aren’t home. That’s the only way to deal with landlords who come knocking at your door at 2 am to ask for money to pay LAWMA. No matter how long or hard he knocks, never succumb. When you see him the next day and he complains, tell him with the most innocent look you can muster that you weren’t home.
Do your own maintenance.
Chasing your landlord to fix every spoilt bulb or tap is not worth the headache. Just do it yourself so you can live long. Here’s what happens if you wait – Either your landlord never comes through or he fixes it with materials so subpar you’d end up redoing it yourself in two days after waiting two months for him to fix it.
Ignore ignore ignore.
For the landlord who won’t stop reminding you about how much of a favour he’s doing you. You know the type. The one who keeps whining about how much of a great deal you got. Even though he has refused to fix the water pump for three months now. Even when he threatens to rent your apartment to someone else, just because you missed the last tenants’ meeting. Ignore.
Get your tenancy agreement signed in black and white.
There’s no such thing as a verbal tenancy agreement. Even though your landlord is your father’s, uncle’s best friend and you’ve known him since you were 5 years old. Get it in writing so that no one wakes up one day and tells you the terms of the agreement have changed or that the rent you paid at the beginning of the year isn’t enough for the space you are living in.
Just move.
If you find yourself staying at work for longer hours just to avoid your landlord. If your heart skips a beat every time you hear a knock at your door. If just the mere sight of your landlord triggers a panic attack, just move. A great rent price and constant light are not worth your peace of mind. And if you are a young female tenant and your landlord won’t stop telling you about how his pastor as said you should be his third wife. Move my sister and not before reading him the riot’s act.
We live in a time where a quick Google search will give you access to recipes from world-class chefs. Despite this, on the rare occasion, I find myself cooking, and on the rarer occasion, it’s not Indomie, my first port of call for guidance is my mum. Who’s always laden with (often unsolicited) tips and tricks to make a great meal, gotten from decades and decades of experience. And that’s the same case for many people I know. I asked ten people to tell me what secret tips and tricks their parents had given them for great cooking.
The secret to fire Jollof.
My mum always puts a sheet of foil over the pot when she’s cooking Jollof rice and that’s what makes it so bomb. The Jollof never gets soggy and it has this almost party Jollof taste.
The only way to make Fried rice.
When I left home and didn’t have constant access to my mum’s cooking I realized many people don’t know how to make fried rice. The secret to great fried rice is literally frying the rice after you’ve parboiled it. You can tell when people skip that step or don’t do it properly. The rice gets soggy and the spices don’t enter it well.
Never grate okro.
I used to think my mum just wanted to punish me when she made me cut okro with a knife instead of just grating it. But the difference between the two is quite clear. When you are cooking, the chopped one doesn’t soften as quickly as the grated one. So when it’s done it’s still a little hard, that’s what makes okro really nice.
Use only wooden spoons.
My mum only ever stirs her Jollof with a wooden spoon and everyone tells me that’s is just in my head but I can taste a difference. Or maybe I just think my mum makes the best Jollof in the world, which she does.
A dash of meat stock please.
Anytime my mum wants to blend tomato and pepper for stew or Efo, instead of blending it water she uses meat stock. It might seems like a waste of time since many people still add the meat stock when they are cooking but it’s quite genius.
Sweet potato Ukodo
I’m not sure this is a secret tip, it’s just different. Much to the horror of my mother’s in-laws, she prefers to make her ‘Ukodo’ with sweet potatoes. So she’s not from Delta but my dad is and he’s the one who introduced her to Ukodo. As far as he and his family are concerned it’s not Ukodo. But everyone else who has tried the one she makes prefers it to regular Ukodo.
Perfect Ogi no matter what
Anytime I make lumpy Ogi which is a lot, my mum will have me put it in the blender and blend it just a little bit to get rid of the lumps. Worked like a charm every single time. Well except the time she didn’t supervise me and I turned the Ogi, into an Ogi smoothie.
No more spills
My mum hates cooking even more than me so I have nothing for you there. But my grandma taught me that if you put a wooden spoon across the top of the pot when making stew it’ll never boil over. I’ve actually never tried it but I’ve met a couple of people who swear by it too.
P. S. No fathers could be found during the conduct of this survey.
Not to destination shame you, but how many states in Nigeria have you had the pleasure of visiting since you were thrust into Mama Charlie’s former colonial stomping ground?
If somehow you scaled this and have visited at least 8 of Nigeria’s 36 states, then let’s take things up a notch with how many festivals you’ve graced with your presence. (The Eat Drink Festival doesn’t count for right now btw)
For some reason, Nigerians will cross continents to don pretend hippie-garb while listening to really loud music at international festivals, or regale you with tales of that one summer at the Notting Hill festival, but ask about the Opobo Regatta Festival or last year’s Durbar and you’d probably draw a blank.
Now, das not good. Nigerian festivals are made of good enough stuff, your bucket list would be sorely lacking without an attendance of at least five of its most notable. To make sure of this, we’ll be highlighting some of Nigeria’s most well-known festivals, without which, no life adventure is complete:
Opobo Regatta
Held new year’s eve every year, the Opobo Regatta is held in Bonny Island, Rivers State. Competitions are held between enthusiastic men , rowing to get the first position. Masquerades come out in full display to regal spectators and the culture of the land is put on blast. What’s not to love?
Eyo Festival
If as a Lagosian, born and bred yet to attend the Eyo Festival, then WYD babes? The festival runs for 24 days, to pay homage to the Oba of Lagos as well as marking memorable events and funeral ceremonies of notable personalities. In your defence however, this festival, owed to its precarious nature doesn’t hold annually, be sure to look out for the next one though.
Oshun-Oshogbo Festival
Held between July and August anually, this year can finally be your chance to partake in the worship of the Osun River. The festival takes place for about two weeks and signifies the celebration and spiritual cleansing of of the land, known as Iwopopo. Look at all the happy worshippers.
Argungu Fishing Festival
someone high up in Kebbi state needs a good smack up their heads because this formerly annual festival has been on hold for a number of years. Celebrated in recognition of the unity, it is usually marked with mass fishing activities, with the hauler of the biggest fish during the festival going home with thousands of dollars as the cash prize. At its peak, it attracted visitors from all over the world, achieving critical acclaim as a lust see festival the world over. Chances are, it might be making a comeback, so keep your calendar open for February (its celebration month) next year.
Sango Festival
Any one say Naija to the world? This festival is observed in about 40 other countries the world over, and it includes such places as Cuba, Brazil and Benin Republic. A pilgrimage of sorts, just about every Nigerian ought to make the trip to Osun-Oshogbo between July and August to have a feel for this experience honouring the warrior and third king of the Oyo Empire –Sango.
Carniriv Festival
Looking to attend a festival that brings you close to your Nigerian roots, but throws in some Caribbean booty shaking to the mix? Look no further than Port Harcourt’s Carniriv Festival. Held once every year, the Carnival stands out as the state’s biggest tourism export. Looking for the best way to spend a week in December? Pencil in a trip to Port- Harcourt the second you’re done reading this.
If you had to explain Nigerian parenting styles, chances are the descriptions around civilian dictators, passive-aggression champions and flogging samurais would probably make the cut.
Now I can’t think of any one scenario where these features would be ideal, least of all when young and highly impressionable children are thrown into the mix, but somehow, these have been part and parcel of the Nigerian parenting handbook for years and years
Perhaps because Nigerian children have always turned out okay, or okay to the extent where we aren’t publicly losing our shit in public on a daily; but it just might appear that these styles work… or do they?
To know where hearts stand in the matter of Nigerian parenting styles, we asked five people if they would continue where their parents left off in raising children of their own.
“I have to say the strongest, most non-negotiable no” – Femi
I don’t want to outrightly say God forbid because there is a chance my parents get wind of this and call a family meeting on my head, but I have to say the strongest, most non-negotiable ‘no’ there is to that question.
Growing up, the minute my father came in through the door, in fact, the second we heard the double-beep honk that marked his arrival home, my siblings and I would use all of .2 seconds to turn off the television, clean up every sign that we were in the living room and make our way to our rooms. The fear was so real, I don’t recall ever sitting down with him to chat, beyond asking for school fees here and some additional money for expenses there. Mind you, these requests only happened when my mother absolutely refused to be the conduit between children and father. Of course, as I’ve gotten older, attempts have been made to forcibly create a relationship, but it’s too little, too late. I’m overly polite at best and completely uninterested in the conversation most times.
When I have children, best believe my primary goal is being their best friend, someone they can confide in and laugh with. Not someone who takes pride in children being unable to look him in the eye for the smallest requests.
“I would ask my parents to write a book” – Dorothy
I grew up in the most unconventional Nigerian home there ever was. This may have had a part to play with my mother being half-Sierra Leonian but it was the most loving, nurturing home there ever was. Rather than leaving the raising of their children to schools and parental hands alone, our home was always filled with trusted family and friends. We were always encouraged to ask questions, speak up against anything we considered wrong and were granted social and freedom at relatively young ages. If possible, I would ask my parents to write a book on how they managed to be so liberal as patients while somehow raising the most well rounded children, if I do say so myself.
“There are actually a number of places my parents got it wrong.” -Nsikan
The only thing I would take away from the way my parents raised me was how strict they were with religion. You would think they were on the left and right hands of Jesus while he was on the cross. No songs, clothings, television programs or events not sanctioned holy in their heads were allowed while I was growing up. And if you were the one responsible for somehow bringing the devil into the home, oh boy, you might actually prefer death. Honestly, I don’t like remembering those days too much.
There are actually a number of places my parents got it wrong, but this religion thing, definitely the first place I’d note.
“My mom has the whole thing down to a science” – Husseinah
I grew up with my mom, who can I add is an absolute rockstar. She single handedly raised strong headed twin girls, with only the barest of outside help. She taught us to cook, change tyres, haul a jerry can of petrol, man, if anyone needs some training on self-sufficiency, look no further than my mother. If there was something I could change about her parenting style, I can’t think of it. She has the whole thing down to a science, I’ll forever be indebted to her. – Victor
“I won’t be making their mistakes” – Victor
I didn’t grow up with my parents. I was one of those children that attended primary and secondary boarding schools. They’ve been relative strangers my whole life. Though this had more to do with them living in a different state from where my schools were. It has made it virtually impossible to have any relationship short of perfunctory checking in and birthday wishes.
I have a child now, perfectly precious and just learning to walk. I’m considering homeschooling him, I want to spend every waking moment with him. My obsession with my child makes things a little hard from their perspective, but I guess things happen like that sometimes. I won’t be making their mistakes however.
Who lives in an open truck on Lagos’ streets? L-A-S-T-M-A.
Forget Freddy Kruger, these are the real nightmares on Toyin Street. Garbed in purple and yellow, no car is too rickety and no stop sign is too poorly advertised to prevent these guys from ruining at least ten minutes of your day.
Chances are, you’ve encountered some of Lagos’s finest Traffic Management agents if you’ve ever had reason to ply Lagos’ roads. Their preferences are completely ignoring real hazards on the road, like reckless tanker drivers and untethered trailers, for a chance to inform you of how your the non-existent red light you ran qualifies you for a psych eval or how your recently expired license is a sure sign of impending doom for the other hapless motorists on the roads of Lagos.
Yeah, just about everyone has a story or seven to tell about their encounters with LASTMA. Take these guys and their experiences for instance:
Fu’ad’s Law.
For me, the summation of my dealings with the agency can be summarised into simple a simple equation: “The absence of a traffic sign is equal to the presence of LASTMA.”
Case in point, I was driving my friends car around Mile 12 one day, doing the mental math of how many years it would take for me to afford the front half of a car, when literally a swarm of people LASTMA officials began trying their hardest to gain entry into the car. From their excitement, I could glean that there was some sign prohibiting a U-turn I must have missed.
But, unless this sign was underground, or hung up on a tree somewhere, I was certain I hadn’t missed anything. Anyway, after 15 minutes of back and forth on whether or not there was indeed a sign, if I was maybe blind and if the officials were indeed liars, the good agents decided to let me off easy, but only if I paid 10 000 for all their effort. So, that’s the story of how I spent 6k I didn’t have on an imaginary sign.
Uncle Segun “No nonsense”.
I’ve had one-thousand and one run-ins with LASTMA, but my favourite one was the time they stopped my uncle and I while driving around Eko Bidge. Now, I don’t know if it was something in the air, but my uncle just wasn’t having it that day. When the officials gathered our car and demanded we drive to their office, my uncle pleaded with them not to enter the car or risk never coming out. I knew we were in for it when the most aggressive of the bunch worked his way into the car and my uncle immediately activated the central lock. Officer Latunji, my insincere apologies again for taking you on a joy ride across Lagos, hope it wasn’t too hard finding your way back from Sangotedo?
The Getting of Ginikachi.
I was in my way to see some random movie around Ikeja City Mall, where there’s this turning with a really easy to miss stop sign. While I was driving, congratulating my friend on how early we made it to see our movie, a LASTMA official popped out of no where to stand infront of my car. No literally, they may have transported there. Next thing, five officials surrounded my car, telling me how I was going to pay a fine of 50 000 and undergo a psych evaluation for endangering so many lives with my driving.
Mind you, they had an office just a walking distance from where we were. From 50 I was able to beat it down to 15 000. Unfortunately for me, I had no cash and as this happened before mobile transfers became popular, I had to visit two ATMs on different ends of the road before they got their money. I still do a low waka whenever I pass a LASTMA official.
Toketemu’s student woes
If you attended UNILAG, then you already know that that turning close to the car wash is LASTMA Central. This one time I was in the car with my friend and we were making the bend. We were stopped for about ten minutes, during which time they scrutinised every single paper, every window, every footmat looking to find something incriminating. Luckily we were fully clean, still remember the day with disappointment however.
Nora’s Moment
You know that picture of a LASTMA guy spread across a car?
Wellll, swap that SUV for a Honda Civic and I could have been me the viral sensation.
I was coming back from work one evening and I wasn’t in the mood for anybody’s shit. This was around Fatai Atere leading to Ilupeju when one LASTMA official tried to stop me. At that moment, I don’t even know what came over me, I knew I hadn’t missed any signs, there were no traffic lights so I did the universal what’s wrong hand gesture. When my guy still insisted I park, I didn’t waste time, hit the accelerator and brushed the man still insisting. Nobody got time for that.
What has been your most memorable encounter with LASTMA?
On Saturday, while everyone else was eating the spoils of Owambe party rice, I was carrying out my preferred weekend activity – frying out whatever brain cells survived the week’s grind on Nigerian social media.
A few annoying GOT spoilers and some unsolicited Endgame reviews after, I came across an interesting tweet.
In quick succession, three more tweets trickled in with the word ‘Loom’ present. It appeared someone had unleashed the SEO floodgates ‘pon my timeline. So, being the eternal busybody that I am, I decided to go in search of whatever this ‘loom’ phenomenon was, and wow Nigerians, just wow. I hail.
In case you have no idea what Loom is, I’ll explain using the questions that plagued my mind as I carried out my research on what is a thinly veiled MMM plus.
What is Loom?
First off, when the name of a scheme literally translates to ‘something vague and threatening’, you already know not a lot of good can come out of it.
The premise of Loom lies in a peer-to-peer pyramid scheme that sees an individual putting in a sum of money and earning eight times the amount he put. Nothing unrealistic or too-good-to-be-true sounding about that. No Sir.
So if you invest 1000, you’re ideally entitled to a pay out of 13 000, 104 000 if the amount invested is 13 000, these amounts being the stipulated amounts to be a part of the Loom . Sound simple enough correct? Well, this leads to the next question I had
How does it work?
Because we are currently in the millenial age with our kitschy gadgets our social media, the loom scheme can be carried wherever you go, via WhatsApp.
To begin, a group is set up by an individual, he becomes the center. The more people recruited, the closer he is to getting his payout. Once this group reaches the 8 mark, he collects his pay and leaves the group, but not without first re-investing a portion of his earnings into the group.
The remainder of the group is then divided into 2, with 4 members each. They are encouraged to invite more people in to hasten their chances of reaching the sacred 8 mark, where the next center cashes out. Rinse and repeat.
What do the colours mean?
For some reason, weird colours were thrown into the mix.
The colours Purple, blue, orange and red represent the levels in the Loom, with Red representing the center. The others represent how close an individual is to get to the center.
But you know what else has those colours? This guy.
Which is what you’re going to be, should you choose to participate in this scheme.
Is it Safe?
Well, it’s safe in the way babies playing with a naked flame is safe. Like picking your teeth with a discarded needle is perfectly harmless or jumping off of a moving okada is good fun. If you missed it, it’s not safe.
Yes, there’s a high chance you cash out should you join the group in its early stages, but for this scheme to be plausible, an endless flow of people are required and it is simply unsustainable. Someone always loses in the end. Don’t let that be you
Should I put my money in?
No, absolutely not. Not only is it too good to be true, but it’s also illegal, seeing as it is a financial organisation without the required regulatory approvals. Please, I take God beg you, don’t disgrace us outside.
In the world of creatives, there is such a thing as artistic license, where artists bend the rules of fact, grammar or language to produce artistic results.
Over in Nigeria however, we take things several notches ahead, bending the rules until they break, burst into flames and disintegrate, perfectly ensuring they make no sense whatsoever to the audience intended.
From the nation that bore and housed a man that wondrously found a way to rhyme ‘yam pottage’ with ‘oil spillage’. Together with the lady who I’m assuming was within the 5 minute daily madness limit, when she wrote a song that mentioned Johnny about a thousand times in one verse; here are 8 other song lyrics we’re still looking to the Lord to offer explanation:
Take Banana – D’Prince
http://www.youtube.ng/watch?v=6tqvMXBLFTs
Whenever I am having a particularly bad day, I like to sit and imagine the process that brought this song to be. Did D’Prince put pen to paper, writing out Take Banana 489 times? Did he simply write ‘Take banana X 592’? Perhaps he was in the booth, had a bad case of whatever Davido had here … and then proceeded to mumble Take Banana in comfort?
We’ll probably never know. But that won’t stop us from demanding an explanation regardless.
2. Every Eedris Abdulkareem song from the 2000s
How Eedris Abdulkareem got audiences to sing along to his lyrics in the early aughts is a thesis topic worth exploring and you know it!
Defying the laws of grammar, tact and common sense, Eedris did whatever the hell he pleased when it came to putting pen to paper to call up song lyrics.
What is a rhyme scheme or puns, when you can simply gargle and spit the outcome in a booth somewhere?
That said, most of the songs went hard and were Nigerian favourites for the longest times. Are Nigerians our own worst enemies?
(wackawickee MCs)
3. Give it to me – D’prince
We love a repeat offender.
4. In My bed- Wizkid
FIrst off, I’m a little worried at Wizkid’s choice of words in this song. Why does he want ‘her body’ sleeping in his bed? Why can’t he be like his wealthy counterpart and stick to ‘Alive girls’?
That said, I’m utterly miffed Wizkid went through all that trouble to announce how much he really wants a maybe corpse in his bed, before having a complete change of heart to hail Fashola, himself and Jimi Agbaje? Is everything okay at home Wizkid? Is your pet baby goat still okay?
5. The Truth – Vector
Giving a lifetime supply of ammo to Mode 9 in this diss song, Vector thought it’d be a good idea to pen the words ‘like three broke in Yoruba, I metaphor’.
Finding understanding to these lines might be a job too big for the Nigerian police, so I will be calling upon the Lord for clarity.
6. Iyanya – Kukere
If something is giving me a headache, everyone else must suffer through it as wel. Sorry not sorry.
As the source of my pain, here is a screen shot of the first few verses of Iyanya’s banger – Kukere. I’ll let you ponder on this for the rest of the day
7. Masterkraft – Indomie ft Davido, CDQ and Olamide
I can’t with my full chest drag this song because of my antics in the club when it first dropped, but man oh man, was a lot going on in this.
Personally, I would very much appreciate Davido to give a nuanced explanation for the following lyrics if he can:
It has now officially been a few days since this video surfaced, letting us know that Dangote, like most regular people, needs the reassurance of $10 million in cash sometimes, to get a good night’s rest.
Coincidentally, it has also been a few days since I began deep research into the possibilities of a grown-ass woman like myself, currently staring her late 20s in the face — being involuntary adopted by a billionaire Nigerian.
So far, I’ve been able to find only one plausible scheme for my adoption goal, courtesy my new hero and the current troll King of my heart – Stanley Thornton.
But since this scheme is as likely to hold up as that Dino Melaye’s stuck in a tree for 11 hours story, I will continue to put in work for myself and the doubtless hundreds of people looking to follow in my footsteps.
Now, why a young gal like myself and other upwardly mobile Nigerians would be interested in calling Africa’s richest man ‘Father’, is a question literally no one should be asking in these trying times, but I’ll provide a couple of answers regardless:
1. He’s worth 10 BILLION Dollars.
Even though a lot of our finest politicians might look at this figure with this face on —
Dangote’s money is largely legal, and us — his adopted little ones won’t have to live in fear that EFCC will break down our doors one unsuspecting night.
2. He doesn’t think in Naira.
If that doesn’t make you want to jump in a pram and park in front of Dangote’s house, with a handwritten adoption note addressed to him, I don’t know what will.
3. He teaches important life lessons.
Like humility. Choosing to drive yourself home, as opposed to ruining your driver’s year and whole life, after deciding to personally withdraw $10 million in cash from your preferred bank of the moment, and taking it home, is definitely a lesson I’d love to be taught personally by Dan-G himself.
4. Re: life lessons.
He also teaches the importance of travelling light. Like say, not burdening your pockets with any cash, when your face can open just about any bank safe in the world.
5. He’s Dangote.
That is an explanation all in itself. That is all.
Every so often, Nigeria’s social media space takes a break from being a festering cesspit, churning out a never-ending deluge of tired comedians in poorly executed drag. Or media platforms with recycled content and commenters racing to out-stupid the other.
Yes, sometimes, you stumble on accounts that make you pleasantly surprised and incredibly grateful to find the Nigerian flag hoisted up in their bios, or the slightest mention that they believe Nigerian Jollof to be the way, the truth and the culinary life.
Kanso, the brain behind TheSmilingHat has ‘motion designer, illustrator, filmmaker and creator’ in his bio and our boy does not disappoint in any of those fields.You may have seen some of his motion designing works without realising the badass behind them, like say the new Big Brother ad out
This name you may have heard, but his account is so cool,it’s worth another mention. Putting a ton of thought into his craft, Ditweni has a rhyme and a reason for everything this side of the world. I mean! Did you watch this cockroach skit?
The brains behind the cool food art you see around Instagram, was recently given a pretty cool shout out on their page. Haneefah Adam has one of the coolest visual art pages this side of the world.
This brand makes quirky phone cases using the zeitgeist of Lagos living as inspiration. Looking for a new case to hide the new crack you swore you weren’t going to allow on that iPhone, check them out. Looking for a little Lagos themed inspiration, they have you covered as well.
Abraham Ogundele is a truly gifted artist, using Instagram as his personal, ever ready exhibition. His page offers mood board, colour vibes if you’re looking to add a little drama to your flat-tummy tea infested feed.
Titilope is a poet, writer and performer. Now, she doesn’t always post her performances, but she more than makes up for it by dropping more than enough travel and lifestyle goals on her feed. If you’re looking to be one of the firsts to get a peek at her posted performances, be sure to give her a follow.
Don’t tell anyone, but this page might be the reason the office wi-fi is constantly being re-loaded while I contain giggles in between breaks. Most likely, you;’ve come across this page on your social media sojourn, but by the miracle that you haven’t, make sure to give him a follow.
While I legitimately consider shuttling between the mainland and island to be a journey in its own right, Amarachi is putting me and a number of Nigerians to shame, getting stamps on her visa and racking up frequent flier miles. Visiting everywhere from Egypt to Obudu Cattle ranch and posting pictures that whisper ‘empty your bank account’ with every scroll, Amarachi’s page is definitely one of our favourite Instagram pages to visit.
Ideally, this should be at the very top of the list, but we don’t want people to say we’re carrying shoulders too high. If you have been sleeping on the best thing since sliced bread and Chicken Republic’s Refuel combo, then so xri bou dah. Be sure to make amends and follow this page STAT. Here’s a little of the hijinks we get up to to get you titillated.
For many Nigerians, the only thing worth looking forward to at the start of the week is when the clock strikes 12 after Thursday and the end of the work week finally arrives.
All of a sudden, 8 hours of pretending to like colleagues, alternating between Torrent tabs on laptops and extended lunch breaks don’t seem so bad — it’s finally the weekend, time to get loose.
For other Nigerians, Fridays are just Monday lite. There remains a ton of work from the week to be done, with the only perks laying in being able to work through the night, without feeling the need to curse their alarm clocks when they go off at 6am.
Different Nigerians have different attitudes towards Fridays, so being the all-observant, all-knowing busybodies that we are, here’s a ranking of Nigerians based on how they feel towards Friday:
The ones that are already sad because Monday is here.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have built a room and parlor on this table right here. Whatever happiness I might have towards it being the end of the week is usually overshadowed with the knowledge that before I blink and take two shots of tequila by the end of Friday night, Monday is going to be right there shaking its head and judging me for thinking I had a right to have fun over the weekend.
What is this life?
Those ones that set timers on their phone as soon as they get into the office Friday morning.
You know those people that spend the whole day Friday looking at their watches and exclaiming : “ahan, it’s only two o’clock” every five minutes? Yeah, those are the ones that carry Friday firmly on their heads.
Look out for them, they’re the ones that pack their bags and use style to ‘check’ what’s happening downstairs, at the carpark, where their car is located very conveniently close to the gate, once it 4: 45pm.
Those people that don’t joke with their Friday plans and have a lie planned every weekend just for it.
Shoutout to the people still living with their parents, and have had to have a weekend ‘work conference’ and ‘Bible seminar’ every weekend for the past 5 months, just so they could hang out on Fridays nights. We salute you and appreciate the seriousness with which you take your Fridays.
The ones that aren’t about that Friday night stress and just want to sleep.
Then we have those people that cannot be bothered if Mo’hits is planning a free concert, that will include a P-Square re-union and Plantashun Boiz standoff, they just want to spend Friday sleeping and watching all the shows they used the office wi-fi to download over the weekend.
Those ones that spend the whole week gingering their friends to hangout, then pray their phones don’t ring, come Friday.
Look, there’s nothing like a 5-day work week, sprinkled with two-hour work commute to remind you that you must have been mad to think going out on Friday night was a good idea.
If you’ve never had to turn off your phone after assuring your friends you’re five minutes away from the club while laying in bed on a Friday night, then please show us your adulting ways.
For private university students, hitting 24 spots on a Friday night signifies a slow start to a weekend.
If you think you love Fridays, please take several seats and let a Private university student show you how it’s done.
Seeing as leaving school for the weekend is a freedom not always granted to the students, they are more than ready to go HAM when the opportunity presents itself. Clubs, bars, the beach, a financial workshop, any opportunity a Friday night brings, they’re ready to take it.
Beloved, if you know the name of the person that opened the gates of hell and faced it in Nigeria’s direction, please let us know, we’d like to have a chat with them – because we don’t know who to beg again. The heat wave having its way with Nigerians is currently leaving us dripping in everything but swag.
While waking up in sweat puddles big enough to have you worrying you’ve returned to your bed- wetting past is one of the least sexy consequences of this heat wave, there are actual health consequences to living day in and out, in temperatures dancing around the 30s and almost 40° mark. Serious ones too like dehydration, heat exhaustion and heat strokes.
Living in Nigeria is hard enough without throwing these into the mix, short of recommending the gospel according to Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’, here are a couple of tips to make sure you stay well hydrated and ailment free while we ride out this heat wave:
Take warm showers.
Admittedly this might sound like we’re trying to tenderise you for a cannibal feast, but overly cold showers might actually cause your body to trap in heat. Lukewarm baths will instead keep you cool and calm your nerves, make sure to take these as often.
Avoid the sun.
This is a no-brainer. During this heat wave, make sure to avoid the sun like you’ve been owing it money and you saw it crossing the road to meet you.
However, if you absolutely must go out, be sure to stay strapped with sun screen, hats and glasses.
Keep windows closed during the day.
This might sound a little wild, but if you have light curtains and your room just so happens to be cooler than outside, then keeping the shades closed might be a better option than allowing heat from outside ruin things. Be sure to open them once you notice a breeze picks up, however.
Drink a lot of water.
Because it’s hot Brenda.For real, try not to get thirsty. The first sign of dehydration is thirst. While the sun is doing it’s thing and showing off excessively, your body will be losing more water than usual. To make sure the heat doesn’t win, be sure to consume a lot of water, while avoiding caffeinated drinks and alcohol.
Spritz water on your face.
Because sometimes, cooling from within is just not enough. To stave off heat, be sure to spritz water on your face from time to time. If you’re really about this life, a handy spritz bottle to spray water on your body while the heat rages would be a sure way to keep cool.
Find the nearest AC/fan and make it your best friend.
Give it your last name if you can. Just be sure to be as closely situated to a cooling unit while the heat plays these terrible mind games with us.
Observing these while we wait for the wave to pass will be a sure bet to keeping rashes, heat strokes and dehydration as far away from you as is possible.
If you’ve happened to breathe air in Nigeria, or stepped within a square inch outside of your Nigerian home, then chances are, you have faced some type of police harassment.
Infact, it’s a certainty. And I’m willing to stake anything on the claim.
Whether it’s their quotidian ‘anything for the boys?’, or the more brash – ‘open your boot’ or ‘stop and search’ without any real grounds for suspicion, their wantonness in exerting powers is something that has gone on for so long, it now serves as routine and the butt of many a joke.
Their deviousness however goes beyond these almost petty annoyances to more worrying traits — arbitrary arrests, grievous bodily harm accorded to obtain information or even routinely substituting wanted suspects for their blameless relatives where said subject is missing are just some of the wiles adopted by the police.
The SARS Menace
From 1992 however, the face of the NPF’s harassment took on a new form, in its Special Anti-Robbery Squad. Originally mandated to fight the spate of robberies laying siege on Nigerian highways and streets, their gazes shifted from genuine robbers and marauders, who may have been a little too mainstream, and went instead for confoundingly smaller fish — the everyday, regular Nigerian.
What started as tiny grumbles on social media — a disgruntled student complaining about being stopped and searched here, another narrating how he was obtained by SARS there; soon graduated to more severe grievances.
Whispers of plain clothed policemen in unmarked cars, laying seige on unsuspecting motorists and pedestrians first made the rounds. Then it escalated to loud grumbles of routine roundups in the most unlikely places — sport bars after working hours, betting centres; before culminating in a thunderous shout, heard on social media platforms the world over in 2017, the message was resonant — ‘The Nigerian police had to be stopped.’
Stories ranged from the absurd
I remember back in 2015 during election campaign at Bariga, exactly a month before I went to serve, @phazehop and I were coming back from the ATM at palm groove and these SARS guys stopped us and accused us of planning to kill Jimi Agbaje. We paid 15k that day.
Hundreds and hundreds of stories similar to these plagued the internet for weeks on end, under the #EndSARS tag. Just about every conceivable evil that can be meted out to a man, had been carried out or attempted by officials of the Nigerian SARS.
Most chilling is the dubbing of Nigerian police stations in Lagos and Abuja as ‘abbattoirs’. Police stations with their spattering of ‘Police is your friend’ and ‘bail is free’ posters, became widely accepted as points of no return for a fraction of the citizens that happened to fall victim to arrest.
Serving and protecting the citizens held no real meaning for the majority of the police force, so they proceeded to do anything but, so the government had to act.
Better concerned with saving face and putting an end to the outcry; the very inadequate solution of disbanding the SARS Unit of the NPF was ordered.
Rather than taking the time out to understand the circumstances that could lead a purportedly trained officer to shoot and kill an unarmed citizen for a fraction of ₦100 or what could spur the transformation of his duty post into an illicit income source and the sort of discontent that could drive him to surmise anyone using a reasonably priced phone must be engaged in some sort of fraud — rather than doing anything but providing a quick fix; the easier path was chosen, and by August 2018, ‘SARS’ came to be no more.
The Aftermath Of SARS
For those assumed the scrapping of SARS would bring with it automatic calm where the police were concerned, then they got only a short-lived reprieve
They remained the public’s number one enemy, flouting police checkpoints as illegal toll points and harassing unsuspecting victims. Before long, word began to spread again of SARS officials maiming citizens, and by March 31st 2019, another life- Kolade Johnson had been claimed at the hands of policemen, this time members of the Special Anti-Cultism Squad; who thought it a reasonable thing to shoot live rounds in the air to disperse a crowd, while innocent passersby where about.
Their original mission was the capture of a man whose dreadlocks, ridiculously served as a marker that he was into something untoward.
In no time, calls to #EndSARS and cries against the police made trends around social media, and it appears that the 2017 cycle is likely to be rinsed and repeated; with maybe the Anti-Cultism Squad facing the axe this time round.
Without proper appraisals, these tragic incidents are only bound to repeat themselves, with more heart-wrenching stories as time passes. It is not enough to clip a fingernail where the whole appendage is infected, the police force requires urgent reform, and they need it this minute.
They will remain unapproachable, merciless, unrepentant menaces to the public until some real action that sparks a change in their orientation comes to be.
We can only hope that this reform comes to be, before more lives are needlessly lost.
As a recently involuntarily retired teen (ignore what my birth certificate says), it pains me to no end that my excitable parents refused to wait a year or ten before deciding they needed an extra bundle of joy in 1993.
This is because teens of nowadays, those lucky bastards that didn’t have to suffer the indignities of triple-tapping their phones in the middle of Economics class to produce one letter, or having to wait a turn on the family computer, only spend 30 minutes on the WorldWideWeb before getting bounced — well, they’re living the life us geriatrics were very rudely deprived of.
My fellow oldies might be unaware of just how well these guys have it, so I decided to do the Lord’s work and put my jealousy on display. For your viewing pleasure and disdain, here’s a list of all the ways Nigerian teenagers have it so much better than their older forebears:
This isn’t a Nigerian home staple anymore.
Teenagers are getting punished with time-outs and rational discussions on the consequences of their actions. If I wasn’t so impressed with the emotional progress Nigerian parents are making, I would throw arms with whoever didn’t think to educate Nigerian parents in the early aughts, on the goodness of being rational.
They don’t need lesson teachers anymore.
While I had to grapple with the fact that three times a week, my relaxed afternoons of K-Time and Mr Biggs ads would be ruined with the appearance of my perpetually upset lesson teacher, these children don’t necessarily have to go through the same injustice.
Why? Because they have Google and Alexa to ask questions, just look at this child:
Together with step by step Youtube tutorials on everything from Pythagoras Theorem to how to get the perfect woodwork boxes. Where were these tools when I was paying a carpenter to do my intro-tech assignments?
They can check their JAMB score in peace.
Do these children know how good they have it? They won’t have to hide their shame when the cyber-cafe attendant shouts their double digit JAMB score in a crowded room, just imagine.
Now, they can battle with their God and the HB pencil they blessed at mass, in the comfort of their bedrooms when checking their scores.
Must be nice.
Many of these children didn’t get the bicep cardio that came with rewinding video-tapes and it shows.
These days they have Netflix and Hulu to keep them company. I’m not salty, you are.
They probably don’t know what Starcomms is.
Can you imagine a world where you don’t have to wait till 6pm Saturdays and Sundays to give your friends all the gist you’ll repeat on Monday morning anyway?
You don’t have to think too far, these bratty teens with their Whatsapp and their Google Docs give each other head-prefects gist in real time, what is this life?
They don’t know why this was absolutely necessary:
While the game of yesteryear needed a little spittle to get things going, these lucky children don’t even need cartridges, CDs and now even game consoles to get their game fixes. If there’s any justice in the world, us older adults have been severally denied it.
Ask them what this is, and they’ll probably say an illuminated lime or something just as rude.
A whole Patron Saint of the young Nigerian pirate. Our most reliable fix to the elusive world of Anime and HBO that year. These days, these children have dime a dozen torrent sites and Hulu to keep them satisfied. But the true veterans know the stress we went through to know how Naruto went on his quest to be Hokage.
They have Ubers and Taxify. They have options.
These spoilt children will never experience the terror of Nigerian parents dropping them far off from home and having them maneuver their way with public transportation.
Try that and they can just order an Uber or Taxify to take them home safely. Plus, if your parents never did this, please consider yourself lucky, and if they did, I can send my online therapist’s number. 20% discount for the first 3 months.
If you were a Nigerian artiste in the 90s, then hats off to you, you earned it.
Back then, there were no Soundclouds or strategic tweets you could send out, mentioning your favourite artist with a link to your music, a la Mayorkun. You just had to make the decision to blow and stick with it, come rain or sunshine.
Which is what most of them did. Bury their heads in work and hope one day, it would pay off.
But there was just one problem, that was everyone’s strategy. To really stand out, you had to do resort to something gimmicky enough to catch on and get you noticed, which is what these guys do:
Baba Fryo and his eyepatch
First off, I just want to say Baba Fryo had the right idea. Our guy kept one eye closed to the bullshit and had the other at alert for opportunities.
Also, his choice of a star, as opposed to your regular-degular pirate eye-patch, just goes to show what he envisioned for himself, and rightfylly so.
The eye-patch was a known definer, one we’ve come to miss on our screens.
Azeezat and those hairstyles
Show me someone more dedicated to their craft in the 90s and I’d eat my head. Not really, but I’d seriously consider it though.
Azeezat gave us everything from soulful songs and interestingly crafted outfits, to most importantly — second-hand scalp pain. Because those hairstyles must have hurt.
Need any lessons on standing out? Azeezat is your guy.
Zaaki and his torchlight.
Do you know how badly you must want to stand out to carry and your own spotlight with you at all times?
Our good bro Zaaki Azzay and his handy torchlight did not give AF about any opinions back in the 90s and did what needed to be done to stand out.
But did we stan regardless? You bet it. Act like you didn’t do the torch and leg dance back in the 90s.
Lagbaja and the mask.
Lagbaja owned the signature look, before it was even a thing to be owned and it made us go wild for him.
With his trusty sax and exposed eyes, Lagbaja’s anonymity-preference, actually went beyond hating random hugs from strangers like I always assumed, to actually representing something symbolic – a voice for the unknown and voiceless in society. Who knew?
D’banj and his harmonica.
You might not remember it, but back in the day, Dbanj was really about his harmonica. So much so, he defied his very own lyrics, and went on to play it after promising to sing acapella in ‘Why Me’.
Also, if we’re keeping it a buck, Dbanj’s sunglasses get honourable mention here as well. It goes so deep, he morphs into a whole other person without them, just peep it.
Wizkid and those red sunglasses.
Oh the days of little beginnings.
Before Wizkid was throwing money round on porches and expensive watches, he had one ride or die fashion item — his trusty red Ray-bans.
Those glasses actually saw life: videos, interviews, concerts, everyday life, they were one with Wizkid.
They deserve a shout out, the next time he receives an award if we’re being honest.
Terry G and that darned bell.
Well, walking around with a bell can only be expected from an artist whose defining song was called ‘Free Madness’.
Back then, see Terry G, see his bell.
Say what you want about it, but this was an Easy A for originality. Nigerian Father Christmases were shaking.
GT Da Guitarman
You have to admire GT Da Guitarman’s dedication to his name, and also — his upper body strength.
Come rain, come sunshine, you could be sure to find his tiny frame lugging around his beloved guitar everywhere he went.
To celebrate #InternationalWomensDay, Cafe One got together 33 female entrepreneurs doing phenomenal stuff; contributing to the narrative of a balanced world. Thank you, ladies, for reminding us that #SheCan. 🙅 #BalanceForBetter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iImzuH7cSZY
To learn more about the amazing women featured, you can look them up on social media. These are their Instagram handles:
1 ) Molade Adeniyi – Co-Founder, Serving With Love (@swlorg)
The Tetmosol campaign #TetmosolheartsYou was launched on the 11th of February with a post on Tetmosol Nigeria’s page, asking fans to tag/nominate the person they wanted Tetmosol to reward; and say why they wanted the person to be rewarded. It was a campaign to share the love of Valentine’s season, let followers appreciate people close to their hearts, and let fans know that Tetmosol hearts them. The fans that entered for the campaign were asked to get people to like their entry comments and also get people to follow the Tetmosol page.
The fans with the highest likes and highest followers were narrowed down and selected across their Facebook and Instagram pages, and four winners were later announced on the 18th of February. Here’s a video of one of the winners:
Meet Chisom, one of the Giveaway winners.
She was nominated by her friend @chinkobaby and was surprised at her house in Ogba with gifts from Tetmosol. Because every day should be a day to love and be loved, Tetmosol is spreading the love this season and giving you another chance to share the love.
To enter the competition:
Tag the friends you love in the comment section on @tetmosol_ng on Instagram using the hashtag #UseTetmosol and #TetmosolHeartsMe
Do this and stand a chance to win amazing prizes from Tetmosol.
Every week, Zikoko will take you through the moments that defined Nigerian pop culture or signalled a shift from the status quo or the birth of a new approach. Let’s take you through the WATERSHED–moments from which things were never the same.
As the hottest name in the alté-verse, Odunsi had quite a few doubters to silence in 2017 when “Desire” was released.
It was understandable. Why, for instance, was a 19-year old who had only been making music for a year heralded as the future? One of the more common questions was whether Odunsi and his fellow ‘SoundCloud artists’ could deliver on their potential. Other more worrying questions and suggestions followed. Do they plan to be successful? Why are they lighting marijuana blunts with candles? Are they cultists?
February 19, 2019 marked the second anniversary of Desire–there are fewer doubters now. In that time, the song has turned out to be an answer to many of those questions. One thing particularly stands out–the issue of what exactly alté
is all about. Nothing is the same anymore.
Every culture obsesses over its own history, and rightly so. From music to language, we’ve never been able to explain how art evolves. All we have are benchmarks or better still, “moments”–flashes of innovation that change how we see everything.
Nigerian hip-hop has collectives like Swatroot and Trybesmen. Afropop has albums like “Grass 2 Grace” and “The Entertainer”. The English Premier League has Cantona’s arrival and Aguero’s last-ditch winner at QPR in 2012.
Moments.
Odunsi’s Desire, released on the hip of a bubble created by events like Idris King’s 90s Baby Pop Off and Minz’s first steps towards pop success, is one.
For starters, Desire is still one of Odunsi’s most streamed songs. It’s remarkable given that it came at a time when ‘alté’ referred to a class of rich hobos who were on an exercise of hope.
Much like the LOS’ night in the stars at Federal Palace Hotel in 2012, or Tay Iwar’s “Passport“, Desire marked the beginning of an era.
Lifting The Veil
Before its release, the community that birthed the alté movement had grown into a loose group of diverse creatives. Today’s alté artistes are mostly second-generation creatives. Like Odunsi’s mum who ran a culture club and played the music that formed his tastes, they were shaped by free-thinkers around them, in family, friends and on the TV.
Over time, they would take their inspirations from everywhere. In some cases, those influences are as close to home as Nigerian disco music and Nigerian home videos. Others looked to the distant and unlikely, like Japanese anime, grime and dubstep.
Most outsiders, however, saw only the taste for the unusual. In a sense, it was a veil of sorts that covered the alté scene. In the period since DRB released “Marry You” as an email blast in 2008, many explained the DIY culture and innovation that connected the scene as a rich kid’s fad.
It’s common with certain sub-cultures. But in the case of the alté scene, when Desire dropped, a lifting of that veil was long overdue.
“Desire was more radio-friendly and got more people to get accustomed to me.”, Odunsi would tell Pulse Nigeria‘s Ehis Ohunyon in 2018, weeks before his first tour of the UK.
It’s easy to see why. The biggest songs from the alté scene at the time were more quirky than anything else. Take the instant classic, “Gangsta Fear“, for instance.
Odunsi’s verse is one for the history books. I’ve seen fans rage to the line “I’m only 19, but shawty, I can change your night” for two years and counting. But on either side of that verse is the hyper-melodic mumbling that the mysterious Santi has become known for. For his tribe, it was true to form; for first-time listeners though, it often proved difficult to absorb.
Desire is as familiar as an R&B song about impassioned love could be. It’s done in the typical verse-hook-verse format, held together by a breezy instrumental that screams secluded nights with a love interest. And as if to let you know where he’s coming from, the song is built around a sample of “Gum Body” by Nigerian reggae/dancehall veteran, Baba Dee.
In the weeks that followed its release, this familiarity spurred new interest in the artiste and the scene that birthed it.
More than anything, Desire created a point of reference for a new set of ears to understand alté.
In 2018, as the anticipation for his album heightened, Joey Akan and I interviewed Odunsi for our “No Ketchup” podcast. By the time we got talking about the community he represents, I tried to stop Joey from using the term ‘Alté’. Odunsi didn’t mind. He had embraced it; he was an alté artist if it meant people understood him more.
To be alté in 2019 means to be part of a community of creatives that are documenting influences in a manner that is at once subversive and stylish.
Take Santi, for instance. OzzyB’s evolution into the mystery that is Santino is almost parallel to the culture he stewards. On Friday, as fans awaited the next chapter before his album’s release, the dreadlocked singer, producer and director released a trailer of the music video for the unreleased “Sparky”.
And after years of missing the point, critics and spectators finally recognised the movies that raised us in Santi’s visual style.
Welcome To Shalté.
That lifting of the veil has also helped to widen the umbrella of what this sonic movement is. For the longest time, the slightest sprinkling of 80s pop or a disregard for formats, almost natural for a post-Kanye West creative, was all it took to be alté. But those lines in the sand have been cleaned out.
The murky place where those two classes meet is now home to an interesting class of musicians. Some describe them as shalté–from the words ‘shepeteri’ and alté.
There’s Teni the Entertainer, a multi-hyphenate who freestyles eventual hit songs on a whim and has fans across the board. Ears are perking up to the sound of Barry Jhay, a vocal powerhouse who writes preachy pop songs inspired by his father, Fuji pioneer, Chief Sikiru Ayinde Barrister. Oxlade, a playful R&B fan who makes infectious Afropop currently has one of the hottest songs in the country. GoodGirl LA, a sultry singer/songwriter who feels as at home across genres is racking up buzz. Olamide recently introduced us to Fireboy DML whose turn on songs like “Jealous” has us excited for what’s next.
The best example of Desire’s impact is perhaps Odunsi himself. Months after he released Desire, Odunsi created another watershed moment with “Alté Cruise“. It is a song that seemed to capture the movement’s energy so much that Spotify named an entire playlist after it.
Notable performances at NATIVELand and Homecoming followed. Then, in 2018, he released “Divine” with Davido, proof that the mainstream was being won over. ‘rare‘, his debut album was released to favourable reviews. He’s kicked off 2019 with an appearance on Apple’s Beats 1 and a single with UK singer, Raye.
This Tuesday, Odunsi tweeted to mark the anniversary of the project that really kicked off his career.
“thank you @TayIwar @Funbimusic & @HigoMusic for creating this classic with me. & thank you @_Falomo_ for bringing my vision to life.” he wrote.
Hours later, Tay Iwar debuted a scenic music video for “Space” available only on Tidal. Days before, Lady Donli had shared snippets and photos from her sessions with Jamaican producer Diplo and singer Mr Eazi in South Africa.
Everything Is Alternative Till It Becomes Pop.
And Desire was the first step on the road to bringing a somewhat-hostile audience to understand that. It wouldn’t have been possible without the doubtless gifts of Funbi and Tay Iwar, two talented acts in a league of their own who are racking up their own benchmarks. The man who produced Desire, GMK, is now known for crafting, alongside BankyondBeatz, the sound of the alté scene. They must feel like proud fathers.
It’s impossible to ignore the influence of alte on the mainstream in the years since “Desire”.
“Rendezvous”, MI Abaga’s first release of 2018, was basically a showcase of the scene’s finest talents. The veteran has repeatedly told of how he surrendered artistic direction on the year’s second release, ” Yxng Dxnzl: A Study On Self Worth” to Odunsi and GMK. Lady Donli, who appeared on the album, has featured on some of the most popular projects in the last year as well.
What does it mean to be an alté artiste in 2019? To be unafraid and intent on reflecting your influences, in your own voice, with no eyes for limitations. That’s the only thing that ever mattered anyway. We just understand it more now.
While you’re here, let me tell you about the Zikoko Pop Newsletter.
It’s called Poppin’ – everything you should know happening in pop culture, plus recommendations, our fire playlists, info on all the best parties and freebies you won’t get anywhere else. Do the right thing and sign up, my gee.
Between 2016 and 2017, 12 Nigerian aritsts under the auspices of the Invisible Borders Trans-African Photography Organisation — set out on 2 road trips to find out what it truly means to be Nigerian.
Their journey, which took them around Nigeria, spanned a total of 81 days; during which they documented and shared their experiences into prose, images and film.
These experiences, which involved an examination of Nigeria’s past, and an inquiry into her present and future, have been very carefully curated into an exhibition titled: “Re-Imagining Futures: A Trans-Nigerian Conversation.”
Here’s all you need to know about it:
First off, the exhibition is being made possible by an Apex Art curatorial grant awarded to Invisible
Border’s administrator and artist, Innocent Ekejiuba and Yinka Elujoba.
The exhibition is multi-form and will include images, prose and film created as a result of these exhaustive trips across the country.
Mark your calendars for February 9, 2019 because that’s when the exhibition will begin. You can find the works at the Old Engine Test House, Railway Corporation Yard, Ebutte-metta, Yaba, from 4:00pm till 7:00pm.
The exhibition will run from then on till March 9, 2019 at the Old Engine Test House, Railway Corporation Yard, Ebutte-metta,Yaba from 10:00am till 6:00pm daily.
On February 12 and 13, there will be two public programs at the Museum of Contemporary Art, Lagos located at 2 Idowu Ajao St, Anthony Village, Lagos. On each day, the programs will begin at 3:00pm.
The programs tagged Re-Imaging Futures: Legacy and Re-Imaging Futures: Future Images, will have contemporary Nigerian photographers and artists discussing the history of photography in Nigeria and imaging as a function of identity in current times.
The first public discourse and panel is tagged “Re-Imaging Futures: Legacy” and panelists are: Kelechi Amadi-Obi, Emeka Okereke, Zaynab Odunsi, Uche James-Iroha and Amaize Ojiekere, all members of the first photography collective in Nigeria, Depth Of Field.
The second public discourse and panel is tagged “Re-Imaging Futures: Future Images” and panelists are: Uche Okpa-Iroha, Adenrele Sonariwo, Prof. Jerry Buhari, Mike Asukwo, Rahima Gambo and Folakunle Oshun.
And the best part, both programs are absolutely FREE. So bring your friend, her sister and your favourite neighbour along to experience this truly remarkable exhibition.
If you have any inquiries, please contact Kay on 08110377831 or send an email to Marie-Laure via ml.kamatali@invisible-borders.com.
Moi-Moi lovers the world over swear Leaf Moi-Moi is the best and anything else is a counterfeit. So we thought we’d have a little fun with this week’s VRSUS and get a couple of Moi-Moi enthusiasts come in and try to tell the difference between Leaf Moi-Moi and the ones made in those little plastic bowls. Here’s how it went.
CREW
Toketemu Ohwovoriole, Director Kayode Idowu, Video Producer Adeboyin Plumptre, Associate Video Producer Temitope Odutola, Graphic design Stephan Nedregaard, Website design Joe Tamunotonye, Website design
In this episode of VRSUS, history was made. For the first time ever instead of having @Toketemu eat and judge other people’s food, she and two other people got their signature yam pottage recipes judged. She wasn’t happy with the result.
CREW Toketemu Ohwovoriole, Director Kayode Idowu, Video Producer Adeboyin Plumptre, Associate Video Producer Temitope Odutola, Graphic design Stephan Nedregaard, Website design Joe Tamunotonye, Website design
If there are any two things Nigerians are most proud of it’ll be beating Brazil in 96 and our Jollof rice. On this episode Toketemu searches for that signature party Jollof taste in White House and Olaiya’s Jollof rice.
CREW
Toketemu Ohwovoriole, Director Kayode Idowu, Video Producer Adeboyin Plumptre, Associate Video Producer Temitope Odutola, Graphic design Stephan Nedregaard, Website design Joe Tamunotonye, Website design
I’m not sure where I learned it. I suspect, romcoms released in the early 2000s. But whenever my crush aired my texts or I had just received a talk down for not washing plates I was supposed to indulge in a huge tub of ice-cream, that I’d finish alone.
But being a Nigerian living in Nigeria I always hit a couple of roadblocks with that plan. The first was what I’d think is a bowl of Fanice in the freezer would turn out to be egusi. The second was that even if there was ice cream it was reserved for special occasions. Which meant that on the rare occasion that there was ice cream in the fridge and I indulged my mum would give me ten more reasons to need ice cream by the time she found out.
So what did I do when I found out my crush actually liked another girl, or that I wasn’t going to be going on a field trip which all my friends would be going on? I indulged in a huge plate of Starch and Owo with a dash of Okporoko on the side. Two swallows in and no matter what was wrong in the world my body will start to feel alright.
I’m Urhobo so my love for Owo and Starch comes as no surprise to most people. But I never had it until I turned 13.
On a two week holiday in Ughelli with an over-indulgent aunt, I discovered Starch and Owo.
For many people, Starch is an acquired taste. For me it was love at first swallow. Maybe it was in my genes and I was bound to love it. Or that I spent the two weeks sharing huge bowls of Starch and Owo with family I had never known. And immersing in culture I had never felt a connection with.
But I think what sealed it for me was the fact that the first swallow ignited taste buds I didn’t know existed. At 13 even though I wasn’t sexually active, I was pretty sure it was what sex felt like. At 23 with a couple of lovers notched on my belt I can tell you for certain that it comes pretty damn close.
Ice-cream bowls full of stew isn’t my reality alone. So I talked to a couple of friends and tried to find out what comfort food meant to them. Some of the butty ones actually got to indulge in ice cream #cantrelate. Others talked about their grandmother’s okra soup or jollof rice from an Iya Bas they’ve been going to for several years.
For my friend Boyin, plantain is all she needs for everything to be right in her world. Not just any plantain, the kind that is fried several days after it has become overripe. After her first breakup instead of a tub of ice-cream, I showed up at her house with hugs and a bowl full of plantain.
As time passed comfort food for me evolved. In my later years in boarding school, it was a meat and vegetable based snack the sellers liked to call samosa (but was most definitely not) from Queen’s College’s tuck shop (QCOGs if you know, you know). Getting samosa meant cutting out of class early and battling hundreds of hungry girls to get mine before they ran out. And it was worth every elbow jab to the face, and getting punished by a senior I cut in front of. But only after I had eaten my samosa.
In University it was jollof rice from Shop 10 in UNILAG which I ate almost every single day for 5 years straight. It came in especially handy when I got my first E in Criminal Law. That day I must have eaten a thousand naira worth of Shop 10’s Jollof.
You might never have given it a lot of thought, but we all have our comfort food, and it usually looks nothing like what the movies sold us. You’ve probably never thought of it as comfort food. Just that meal that made you stop crying when you are just gotten the shit beaten out of you. Or the first thing you eat when you get news that you just lost a job you loved.
Honestly this year, it almost feels like I opened and closed my eyes and all of a sudden, we were in December.But well, they do say time flies by when you’re having fun.And there’s a long list of things that have been super fun and entertaining this year:
Some are downright unbelievable
Hi, my name is Diablo and I swallowed 36 million naira in the Jamb Office.
Some, unexpected
I fell pregnant.
Some, simply hilarious
There was no caught and so I am not a gay.
Some, a little disappointing
But we’re still so proud of our Super Eagles!
And for some, we just couldn’t find what to feel
A whole president!
We’re saying adios to 2018 soon but not without bringing you a list of some of the things that made 2018, 2018. Relax, it’s going to be a long ride.
1. Big Brother Naija
Let’s start at the top of the list. BBN started in January and refused to stop for the rest of the year.Where do we even want to start recounting the whole thing from? Is it Cee C’s annoying attitude to everyone.Or Nina not been able to decide who to please between Bob Risky and Toyin Lawani.
Or Tobi’s leaked nude picture with Alex.
The whole thing was just crazy because there was always some gossip spilling, and who doesn’t like gossip?
2. Black Panther
Wakanda forever!
This movie made a lot of noise and understandably so because Black Panther is the first superhero of African descent in mainstream American comics. The wakanda salute was pretty much all everyone could do for months.You can trust Africans to own this moment. Everyone undoubtedly became prouder of their African-ness during this period. My favorite part of the whole thing was the dance challenge that came with it.
Omunye! This video never gets old.
But we all knew it was time to move on when Chadwick Boseman who played the role of T’Challa in the movie got tired of doing the Wakanda salute.
Wakan’t do this forever.
3. Chioma Assurance
So not only did Davido buy his babe, Chioma, a 45 million naira Porsche as a birthday gift/collateral for assurance, he also sang a song to confirm he wasn’t joking. This might have been an innocent move but he actually put 3 sets of people in trouble. The first set is the slay queens that dumped their current boyfriends and went to do a makeover so they could find a new boyfriend to give them assurance.
But they will later come to regret their decisions.
The second set is all of Davido’s baby mamas that had already assured everyone that they were getting back with him very soon. And now, all their village people are laughing at them.
Aa ti get e
The third set is all the guys that lost their girlfriends to sugar daddies that could give them assurance. Now, all they can do is drop hateful comments on Davido’s posts for putting them in a ‘single’ position.If you didn’t find your assurance like Chioma did this year, don’t worry. Have faith and try again next year.
4. The Royal Wedding
The whole world sure paused for this. It might have been just a day but it had most Nigerians rethinking their whole existence. I won’t even be surprised if some people went to google “How to Become A Part of The Royal Family”.
Dream big but not too big.
This wedding was so beautiful and for a lot of people, it was empowering because it showed that you don’t have to have a perfect past to find true love. Meghan had gone through a trying marriage and a divorce and still found love in a Prince.
5. The ‘In My Feelings’ Challenge
Trap Money Benny…
There were various types of people in this season. There were those who went to beg to borrow a car just so they could do the dance the same way everyone else was doing it.There were those that did it and thought they’ll blow from there.
Sorry, but the universe had other plans.
There were those that tagged Drake like no tomorrow but still did not show in the official music video.And most of all, there were those that searched the hashtag every day just to sit behind their phone screen and judge others.
You, can you do half of what they’re doing?
All in all, this period was really interesting. Like Drake said, ‘’the whole world did the dance and they wouldn’t stop”. Well that’s because it kept us entertained Drake, thanks to you.
6. Zanku Legwork
Come and see what Zlatan Ibile caused oo. This move is just tap dance that went to CMS Grammar School.But still, everyone seems to be obsessed. I can actually sit back and watch someone do this dance all day; that is, someone that knows how to do the dance. I’ve seen way too many people embarrass themselves on top this dance biko.
It’s not by force to dance naa…sometimes, watch
I also love that Zanku and Able God is like garri and groundnut. Unbeatable combo!Can I hear someone say “no more insufficient funds”
7. Mr. Spellz
So this man, who is now popularly known as Mr. Spellz, was asked to spell Buhari and his response was so hilarious that Paul Clever Lee made a jam out of it and we’re not going anywhere till we sing it. Buhari!
Buhari buru B-O ehen? E-O ehen? Enu-I ehen?
N-R ehen? R-I ehen? N-U ehen?
E-O ehen? N-I ehen? N-R ehen?
R-I ehen? N-U ehen? E-O! Eeeh!
This endless spelling of Buhari’s name is actually a perfect description of how long we’ve been waiting for the promised change in Buhari’s administration.
Mr. Spellz must have gotten inspiration from above.
8. S.T.E.W
Starboy and Tiwa Everywhere!
There was just stew everywhere in November. So much so that we didn’t know what to do with it. If you knew right from the start that this whole Fever was just a publicity stunt, please raise your hands.
We are the smart ones.
And that’s how there was probably nothing going on between this two but we still allowed the conversations to take our time and brain space.Fever became the most searched song on Google in Nigeria and we all had stew without rice for a long time. So Wizkid, I guess you won.Are there any other things you think happened this year that made it memorable? Let us know in the comment section.
We would like to remember those who passed away in the tanker explosion on Otedola bridge earlier this year. May their souls rest in perfect peace.
About two weeks ago, I was caught up in traffic for five hours on Eko bridge. It’s not that I went to a couple of places that day, and spent a cumulative of five hours in traffic — no.
What happened was, I decided to take part in you people’s Detty December rocks, and because I didn’t invite Uncle Ambode to Quilox with me, I was punished with 5 back to back hours on Lagos’ shakiest, most trailer-laden bridge.
See my frustration in this tweet, and this was only the first hour oh, LOL for myself.
By the third hour, I had cursed everybody responsible for Lagos’ government. So if you or your daddy have been dropping non-stop and embarrassingly loud farts in public spaces, just know that’s my work.
I couldn’t for the life of me understand what I was still doing in Lagos, so I started doing the Math towards moving to Ibadan, finding my 200k, 5-bedroom mansion and starting a new, traffic-free life there. I was finally cancelling Lagos, and that was that.
To be honest, there is every reason to feel this way. We are just not living right in this state. If you’re doubtful, here are some of the reasons you should be considering checking out too:
Have you seen where you’d be on your own and a whole trailer would be speeding and dragging road with you like it’s a Picanto? Catch that live in Lagos. The humility I always use to beg whoever’s driving me to steer clear of those mad people is not from here. I can even hands up in the car. It’s not me you’ll kill for my mother.
See Lagos, see dirt. I don’t know about you, but I am tayad of seeeing dirt on the roads and in gutters. If we don’t take time, as we’re dropping the first leg once we wake up, it would land in a pile of rubbish. I am here to tell you brethren, that this is no way to live.
Anyway, by hour 4.5 in that mad traffic, my friend who had been keeping me company the whole time- told me about this mad rocks happening in VI the very next day, followed by a boat cruise later that weekend. And would you believe it, just like that, Lagos started looking fine to me again. Miracle wonda!
Next thing you know, I started thinking – is the traffic really that bad? Won’t it clear one day? If dirt is blocking my way, is it not to push it one side? If the trailer stays on its lane and I on mine, God no go vex abi?
See, for all its faults, there’s no place that can kill you with enjoyment like Lagos. You can try, but you won’t find. Plus Lagos has beaches and Ibadan has… Shoprite. So that my mansion, it might have to wait for now.
Anyway, that’s my love-hate story on this loca Lagos state. To hear what other, way more fun people think about living in Lagos, make sure to check out this episode of “Nigerian’s Talk” , where the cast share their feelings on what they hate about Lagos and how they use their insufficient funds to handle all of its rocks.
