Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 General | Page 7 of 15 | Zikoko!
Teachers like parents also have their favourite. However, they have no time for pretence, so everyone knows who their favourite is. It looks like a bed of rose on the surface, but it goes deeper than that. Everyone who used to be one knows that, and this should help them relive memories of those days.
You couldn’t play too much because the teacher knew your name and face
You had to bury all the urge to go wild and have as much fun as your classmates do. Why would you lose yourself and be a kid like the rest when you were not mad? You always felt the eye of the particular teacher on you, daring you to misbehave.
You were the designated errand executive
You were always the teacher’s first choice when it comes to errands. At some point, you began to question the point of going to school if you were going to be dealing with another version of your parents.
Your classmates always left you out of juicy gossip
https://gph.is/g/ZyPoxkb
It was nothing personal. They just didn’t trust you not to be a snitch. And if you actually thought about it, you were low-key a snitch
You were always held responsible for something your classmates did
There was no way you could escape it. How would the teacher handle your classmates making a noise? They would single you out of the bunch and you would have to deal with something like “I’m disappointed with you.” If you also doubled as the class captain, well, that complicated things even more.
Sometimes, you got spared when you didn’t turn your assignment in
Being the teacher’s pet had its perks too, and one of them involved your teacher looking the other way when you didn’t turn your assignment in. The rest of the common people who didn’t weren’t usually so lucky.
Everyone thought you did well in tests because the teacher liked you
People with their crazy thoughts, right? You studied hard, but your classmate would never believe that you being the teacher’s favourite played no role in that.
You also got the worst punishment when you didn’t do well in a test
You just couldn’t win. When you did well, you wouldn’t hear the end of it from your classmate. When you didn’t do well, your teacher wouldn’t let it go. If others got two strokes of the cane, you got four.
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a Friday series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
Vector — “The Man With A Gun” ft. BrisB
Last week, Vector dropped the impressive Vibes Before Teslim: A Journey To Self Discovery, an EP that might just be the most cohesive project the gifted wordsmith has ever put out.
On a project that’s filled with some really solid songs, the one that really stands out is the BrisB-aided “The Man With A Gun” — a socially conscious track that’s powered by its gripping narrative
Produced by Cubix, “The Man With A Gun” finds Vector tackling the futility of life. Filled with thoughtful bars and a solid chorus by BrisB, this deep cut is a perfect example of Vector at his best.
It’s finally Christmas season. Detty December has been loading for you since April which is why you’ve got to get everything in place: money, squad and of course your awesome style team to help you slay.
Okay, get this, if you know that your style team only includes you and your tailor (the new one that has you biting your fingers in fear), then you might want to brace yourself for the inevitable excuses they will throw your way. Here are some of the most famous ones:
There’s been no light since NEPA took it weeks ago:
So even though you saw NEPA light on their street you have to believe that they are telling you the truth and didn’t change over to gen when they saw you coming.
They didn’t see the fabric you wanted in the market:
They are going to blame this one on Buhari and YOU. Really though, why did he close the border and why couldn’t you have chosen something else? They’ll conveniently forget that they recommended the fabric because it’s “in vogue”.
“If you did not tell us to put that rose on the cloth, it would have been finer.”
Because anything that goes wrong with that outfit is your fault. Not theirs at all, just you who thought they could do the job based on their say so.
“Ha oga, you have to pay for express because there are so many clothes from other customers so we would have to squeeze you in.”
Meanwhile, there’s nothing but thread and pieces of fabric in their store and they look like they really need you to patronize them.
They’ll tell you the reason your outfit is horrible is because their apprentice made it:
If they can blame it on NEPA, Buhari or your late payment, they will say that it was their apprentice that ruined it. That’s sheer wickedness right there.
They’ll ask if you recently lost weight:
This is a popular excuse in the Nigerian tailor’s manual. It is only used when they’ve sewed three times the proportions of your measurements.
Did we miss any excuse you’ve heard before? What are you doing to avoid hearing these excuses? Drop a comment, let’s know.
Nigerians are a paranoid group and our minds have been conditioned to be on high alert all the time because anything can go wrong at any time. If you are not sure you qualify as a Nigerian anymore, take a look at this list and see if they sound strange to you.
You find money on the floor and think someone is planning to turn you into a food item or an animal
You will never be caught taking a naira note you find in your path. A part of your mind is telling you what the money will do for you, but another part is screaming about how someone is lurking in the shadows, waiting for you to pick the money so you can turn into a yam or a goat. It’s actually not your fault; we blame Nollywood.
You eat in a dream and you think your village people are out to get you
As far as you’re concerned, this is a testament to the fact that your village people are working overtime to send some tribulation your way. The first thing you check is if your stomach is still in the normal circumference and if the food you ate isn’t beginning to choke you.
You never collect change from beggars
https://gph.is/2RKhF2v
You don’t collect change from beggars, not because you have the purest of minds. You don’t do this because you’re not sure what kind of money the beggar has in their bowl.
You see a black cat or bird at night and go on an emotional overdrive
For starters, you think all cats and some species of birds are evil. They are evil shapeshifters on a mission wreak havoc in people’s lives. You can barely handle the sight of them during the day. Now, if you see them at night or worse, if they find their ways into your house, something is definitely wrong and you need the blood of Jesus to fight them.
When someone brushes past you in a market and doesn’t turn back to apologise
https://gph.is/2sDvSjd
Ah, this reeks of danger if you’re a guy. The person could be on a mission to gather penises for a grand sacrifice. So you grab your crotch while the person is still in full view to confirm you haven’t lost this ‘vital’ part of yourself. You know it’s stupid but better to be safe than sorry.
The driver of the bus takes another route and you wonder if you’re being transported to a kidnapper’s den
You begin to glance furtively around the bus. You see that everyone is chilled out, but this doesn’t calm you; they are probably part of the kidnapping ring and you may very well be on your way to a den. You let Google Maps calm you down a little as you wait for the driver to make another “wrong turn” before you scream your lungs out for help.
Why didn’t they even attempt to @ each other? Why were no names mentioned? Did Jubril steal the president’s Twitter password? I smell an unromantic rat.
Unnecessary shade to the side. Buhari dey born oh! And all so good-looking too. The first family can get it!
There is no one way to introduce your partner to your very Nigerian parents. Most Nigerian parents like to delude themselves into thinking that you’re a saintly angel who knows nothing about relationships, sex, and commitment. Lol.
We’ve curated some tips that might be helpful when introducing your partner to your parents:
1) First of all decide if it’s worth doing:
Is your relationship in that place yet? You really don’t want to turn your house to a footpath for every Tom, Dick, and Harry, breakup after breakup.
The people in your neighbourhood will start counting and bring it to the attention of your parents, who will in turn rain fire and brimstone on your head.
2) Meet the friends before the parents:
Duh! Are you even in a relationship if you haven’t met with your partner’s friends? This is a crucial sign of approval.
If they are not flaunting you to their best buds then something is really wrong.
3) Keep calm:
Panicking and creating weird scenarios in your head would just worsen the situation. But try not to get caught kissing your partner within the first few hours of the MEET (keep your slippery assurances well away from the venue). Y’all will find it hard to get out of that faux pas or anything similar to it.
4) Plan and scheme:
You know your parents better than anybody. You know if they like the Mary Amaka kind of girls or are liberal enough to accept tattooed goodness.
So you might want to plan what your partner will wear, how they will talk, what jokes to crack, and how not to put their foot in their mouth. Ensure you both get your story straight so you don’t get caught in whatever tales you’ve weaved.
5) Prepare yourself for questions:
What kind of job does your partner have? What’s their family name and village address? Do they visit family during the holidays? When will you be getting married?
Oh, did you really think you were gonna avoid that? Hell nah, if you are old enough to bring someone home, you are old enough for marriage in the eye of a Nigerian parent.
6) Let your partner be themselves:
Honestly, this is the best way to get off the radar of mothers with squinty eyes at their back and fathers with razor-sharp tongues who will smile at your partner until they decree that you stop seeing them. For no reason whatsoever, except that dream they had that declared your partner as the kingpin of a wizarding kingdom.
Nigerians can make anything popular; if we all get behind a brand, that brand is made for life. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that some brands are used as a generic term for certain products or services because of how popular they’ve become.
Here’s a list of some of them:
1) NEPA:
Long before the power sector was privatized in Nigeria, it was called the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) in the 70s. However, NEPA has become a huge part of our lingo which is why everyone conveniently forgets that the name ceased to exist when it was changed to the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN).
Now, everyone in Nigeria knows that “Up NEPA” means one thing only–the low voltage and epileptic power supply is back on for everyone to use for few hours.
2) Maggi:
Due to its popularity as a longstanding brand in the cooking industry, Maggi remains the generic name for every other food seasoning.
Nowadays, vendors always ask you to specify which brand you’re referring to when you ask for Maggi.
3) Indomie:
As far as Nigerians are concerned, every noodle is Indomie.
So we disregard the fact that Indomie is a brand of noodles because nobody really cares about that distinction; just give us the noodle, let’s eat.
4) Milo:
Milo, a Nestle beverage product, has been tagged by many Nigerians as the generic name for every cocoa food drink in the country.
5) Hypo:
For a while, Jik was leading the pack but Hypo snatched its hat and has made itself the most recognized brand in the bleaching industry. The sad thing is, every other bleaching agent is now called Hypo.
6) Bagco:
Ask a market woman in Nigeria for a sack and she will correct you, saying; “Do you mean Bagco?”
7) Gala:
All hail Gala! This sausage roll brand has become the widespread name for every other sausage roll in Nigeria.
So no matter how hard other companies try to stand out with their brand name, Gala knocks them dead by staying on the lips of every consumer.
8) Dettol:
Odds are if you ask any Nigerian what their favorite antiseptic brand is, the answer would be, Dettol. This is not because it actually is, but because everyone refers to all antiseptic liquid as Dettol.
9) Macleans:
If you’re one of those people who automatically think of Macleans when someone says toothpaste, then you sure fit into the category of Nigerians who call every toothpaste Macleans.
Which brand do you think we left out? Let us know in the comments.
If you haven’t conditioned your mind to accept this, you should just go ahead and live on your own. Damn the financial consequences. You see, that space you’re in and everything in it belongs to everyone. Your expensive perfume, favourite shoes, and other stuff are for everyone’s use. Accept that and be free. You can try to have the “let-my-stuff-be-my-stuff” talk to fulfil all righteousness, but chances are that it won’t change anything.
Be impervious to noise
Before you go down the roommate route, make sure that nothing has the power to break your will or your concentration. Nothing! How else would you manage to sleep at 2 A.M when your roommate’s terrible music is on full blast?
Be prepared for standoffs
Ha, this one. Before you can agree on whose turn it is to take the trash out or clean the bathroom or any other house chore, you will have to square up to each other. Only after that can you reach a compromise. It’s nothing serious; It’s just one of those universal laws that cannot be changed.
Get your restraint up to a solid 100
https://gph.is/g/46YebVZ
If you know your irritation wells up quickly, you have no business with having a roommate. Actually, scrap that; you can hardly control that. What you can control is how you manage every complication. There will be a lot of times when your patience will be tested, and for the sake of everyone, you need to reel everything in. Nobody needs to get a black eye or a busted lip.
Acknowledge that food will always run out
If you get along well and get to the level where you cook your meals together, ensure that you eat to your fill before you leave the house. Don’t go out and expect that you will come home to some leftovers. It will end in tears, beloved.
Know that you will always have visitors at inconvenient times
Nothing makes you more disillusioned with the idea of roommates than when you have to leave the house for them because their partner or some other lousy visitor has come to visit. But that’s exactly what you need to do. Privacy, right? If you can’t do that, get your own freaking room.
Would it be a Nigerian end of year if the government doesn’t threaten us with something sure to ruin Christman, New Years and most parts of the new year? Fuel price hikes, POS charges, social media bills …
Particularly annoying in the year of our Lord 2019 is the Social Media Bill which is as vague as it is oppressive. Promising to prevent and punish the spread of ‘falsehoods’ on social media, the bill looks to imprison for a period of 3 years or to impose a maximum fine of ₦300,000 on persons found guilty. Only thing is, these falsehoods can be any and everything the government wants them to be. See how this can be problematic?
So we decided to get away with a little something-something before it literally becomes illegal to speak against the Führer and the people within his government.
First off, we will be going in on Abacha civilian lite – Yahaya Bello.
Can somebody please tell Mr. Bello he looks gaddem ridiculous wearing aviators 24/7? I mean yes, the drip is forever but even the Lord rested Yahaya.
How about you channel all that slaying energy into something more deserving, like say paying the teachers in Kogi State their outstanding 39-month salary arrears?
Mr Pres. You know what would go fantastic with your snazzy Bottegas? Guess first.
A working economy.
Elisha Abbo. Little man, when are you getting that prison number?
We picked out your prison uniform and everything from the children’s section since July. Tick-tock.
Also, how is this satyr still speaking on the floor of the senate foggosake?
Now speaking of the Senate, we have craters with a hint of bitumen passing for roads. We have the highest number of poor people in the world, beating out India which has 5 times out population. A severely overcompensated Senate, juxtaposed with a working population unable to receive 30,000 as minimum wage.
We have a democracy that requires blood as libation. A raving mad police system where citizens feel more ease in the hands of touts, than t policemen. A crowdfunding industry for our health care ministry. A financial crimes commission too afraid to go after the real big dogs, and somehow a social media bill is winning 400m relay race to a second reading?
Hope all is well?
Now we’re not selfish, if you have anyone in government you’d like to tell a little something-something too, feel free to go off in the comments.
When the loud bang goes off and everything that uses electricity follows moments after
You’ve lived in Nigeria long enough to know what this means. But in the first moments, you hold your breath and choose to live in denial. Maybe it was a plane crash somewhere close, or a bomb had gone off. But the transformer that services your area cannot decide to develop a fault now.
And you descend into a fit of prayers
You’ve always believed in prayers, and that’s what you fall back to immediately you realise what has just happened. Before you make an effort to confirm anything, the recurring words on your tongue are “God, please.” “God, please.”
The panic you feel when the reality starts to hit you
Again, because you’ve lived in Nigeria all your life, you know how the light schedule works. It’s time for power to come back on now, but the light bulbs are not illuminated with bright orange or white light, and the blades of the fan are still. That explosion was definitely from your transformer.
And you remember how unprepared you are
You were not expecting this to happen, obviously. And this means that you’ve not ironed your clothes, or charge everything that needs to be charged. Also, you don’t have a lamp, which means you will be plunged into darkness at night.
Then you realise that water will soon run out
Well, no light, no water. That’s a universal pattern. You dash to the bathroom to fetch into buckets and anything else that can serve as a reservoir, and you see that you cannot collect more than two buckets because the other tenants have beaten you to it.
You fight the urge to meet your landlord
He’s the owner of the house; he should know what to do. But again, you think about the futility of it all. He did not spoil the transformer, and that’s exactly what he is going to tell you.
You know you’re helpless now, but you cling on to hope
The first thing that makes you a little hopeful is the fact that the whole street is affected. For all you care, this will spur them into taking action as soon as possible. A week later, and the whirring sound of generators have taken over the streets. But you keep hoping.
You’ve just done the usual monthly subscription. A few hours of texting and navigating the Instagram explore page, and three Youtube videos later, you get the dreaded text message from your ISP in the different variations they come. You are out of data, and because they are not running a charity, you’ve been cut off the internet. Because capitalism sucks, everything goes downhill from here and you are left to figure out how to get back to civilisation. But before you do, you may go through any or all of these phases:
You realise how much games suck
With boredom looming, the first thing you try to lean back on is the games you have installed on your phone. But a couple of minutes in, you realise that they can only do little for you, especially if you have the kind of games that require you to pass a level before you go to another.
By the time you are still stuck on one level after five tries, the boredom becomes full-blown. Twitter will never treat you as though you’re garbage, but the games will, and that’s why they suck.
Your gallery sends you into a fit
Not quite ready to face the truth yet, you turn to your gallery. Those fire pictures and videos you have of yourself living your best life are now a mashup of moments when you had it together – time you cannot go back to. Two things will probably happen here; you either delete some photos or you fling your phone away in exasperation.
You begin to notice the most obscure things
You are one minute close to being irritable now, but to put your mind off it and hold on to scraps of your vibrant energy, you begin to pay attention to the funniest and weirdest things; the tiny mole on one part of your cheek, the design of the chandelier hanging from the ceiling, the depressing space of the room you are in, and stuff like that.
You realise how much your life sucks
You’ve now realised that you hardly have friends when you are offline. And nobody cares about you if there is no green dot next to your name. You are not sure how it’s going to happen now, but you couldn’t continue living like that. You need to get back to your friends and how they fill the void in your heart.
You finally realise that your mother may be right after all
During this trying period of your life, you think back on what your mother likes to tell you every time she sees you on your phone “This phone will kill you.” Not that she means it, but you start to wonder if there is some truth to it because now you’re ready to risk it all so you can get back online. Like a wise woman once said, ” No leave, no transfer.”
This quiz is not for you if you were born in the 2000s. But if you feel you have the range and the indepth knowledge of characters from Nollywood TV shows and sitcoms from the early 80s to the early 2000s, then please, be our guest and take this quiz. We’ll match you with a hysterical, hilarious or controversial TV character that everyone loves.
The phase might be over, but if you are like me, sometimes, you let your heart wander to the years at secondary school and the folly of the morning assemblies. If the daily morning ritual was stressful for you, then this should dig out some memories you’ve buried deep in your subconscious:
The struggle with waking up early
Usually, class activities started at 8:30 or thereabouts, but because of some assembly, you had to be in school as early as 7:30. That meant you had to be up as early as possible, depending on where you live. What business does a teen have with waking up so early? Maybe they should have thought of that.
The hard-on the teachers had for catching latecomers
You’d been on a roll since you woke up, trying to beat all the odds so you could be in school before assembly starts, but you found a teacher already positioned at the gate by the time you arrived, on the mission to catch latecomers. It was almost as though this was the only thing they looked forward to from the moment they woke up. Like this was the only time they got some modicum of excitement. Ugh!
The praise and worship songs you had to sing
You did this all the time home, and because of morning assemblies, you had to do it at school too. All you wanted was to start class so the clock can start counting down to the moment you can go back home. You were hardly in the mood to sing, clap or dance for God.
The long lectures that followed
This was another proof that every bit of the assembly arrangement was a tiring affair. The songs you had to sing are tedious enough, the principal would still stand before the whole school in the manner of a preacher to kick off the day with lectures, admonitions, and a recap of the rules. It would have been a tad bearable if this didn’t take more than five minutes, but it rarely ever did.
The chance that you may be called out
Didn’t the school staff love to do this every chance they got? And they did this for the most mundane offences; like when you talked back to a teacher or the time your parents reported something you did at home. There were myriads of ways they could have handled it and reformed your young, impressionable mind, but they preferred to let you do a walk of shame. Now, look at the wonders that did for your social anxiety.
If you are attached to your earphones (in the different forms they come) that you have them on you all the time, only a few things come close to the despair you feel when you find out that you’ve left them at home. Usually, it’s one of the few things you check and double-check before you leave the house. But on some days, life happens. And when it does, this is some of the things you have to deal with:
You have to listen to conversations
On the surface, this might not seem like much of a big deal, but with the way Nigerians are set up, you can’t be 100 per cent sure. All you want to do is sit and mind your business, but all some guy two rows away from you has to say is something that has ‘Sanwo-Olu’ in it and the bus will explode into a hub of slightly-ridiculous, slightly-hilarious takes. And you have to listen to everything. Oh, the pain that comes with this.
A similar fate awaits you even if you opt for the ride-sharing services. The universe might decide to pair you with a driver that won’t take the cue that you would rather the car be silent, or worse, one with a terrible playlist.
You realise how loud the traffic is
Since you always have your ears plugged in, the music gets you through the mess you navigate every day, you have no idea how loud the traffic is. The mix of gruff voices and angry roars is enough to drive anyone crazy – you especially.
You rethink all your life decisions
With nothing to direct your thoughts, they go haywire, torturing you with the haunting memories of all the wrong decisions you’ve made. At the extreme, you may feel your brain exploding inside your head, except that it doesn’t, which makes it worse.
The ghetto in you jumps Out
The music is your anchor; without it, you’re lost and prone to acting on your emotions. This means you’re likely to have a spat with a conductor or give the poor Yaba guy trying to sell you a new pair of jeans the stinkest of eyes. It won’t end in tears (or something close to it) most of the time, but you don’t like to see this side of yourself.
Christmas is legit the best time of the year, particularly in Lagos where everybody seems to migrate back to the village for awhile, leaving a lot of breathing room and traffic free roads for everyone else.
Did I really just type that? No, I was joking; there’s never a time that Lagos is traffic free; and what with the many concerts, market trips and parties cramped into the few weeks of December, there’s little to enjoy in Lagos during Christmas except you stay at home or you’re a martyr who gets off on stress.
However, there are some things that one can do to make a Christmas in Lagos worthwhile, fulfilling and enjoyable. This is where members of the Christmas on The Streets NGO are getting it right; by including everyone in the Christmas cheer, right on the streets of Lagos. Here are some ways they’ve been doing that:
1) Volunteering
What’s more fulfilling than helping to put a smile on peoples face? Doing it during Christmas is even more fun because that’s when people have enough time to gather together and think up the best ways to impact their community.
2) Visiting Local Communities
The best way to be impactful is to visit places that need your impact; sharing a meal with the kids at Makoko Village in Lagos or visiting an orphanage and giving out donations is one way to do that.
Throwing a street party also gives a give reason for a cheer, particularly when there’s music, food and an array of nonstop entertainment and room to run around; that’s why outdoor parties are the best.
3) Helping People Improve Their Health
Health is really better than wealth, but there are people in various communities that can’t afford to go for the occasional medical checkups or buy the right medications. Which is why some people result to unorthodox means of medications, trying to maintain good health; but, putting their life at risk because of it.
Creating an avenue for free health checkups and medications can be one the best presents one can give someone in need of it.
4) Giving Out Food:
There’s love in sharing and the COTS team has been proving that since 2012 by going to the streets of Lagos and giving out food during the festive season; not a belly goes to sleep hungry during Christmas.
5) Throwing A Street Party:
…and bringing out all the decorations. When everyone has gotten clothes, food and some gifts, the next thing is? A PARTY. Everyone gets to dance their hearts out with no discrimination. Oh, and throw in a Christmas tree made by everyone from recycled paper and you’ve got yourself a lit parrrty.
COTS has been giving a lot of people in less privileged communities a reason to look forward to Christmas every year since 2012; you can join their team if you’d like to be one more reason why someone is smiling and happy this Christmas.
Politics in Nigeria is so dramatic so we decided to pick out from the pool of mayhem and shenanigans that happened throughout the decade to bring y’all the award winning performance of the nation’s politicking sagas.
Trust me, it was pretty hard trying to figure out which of the many dramas that occurred throughout the 2010s should make this list, but here are some of the more interesting ones:
1) Dino Melaye On The Dimeji Bankole Impeachment Saga (2010):
Although we are not giving any prizes, Dino Melaye is our favorite and most entertaining politician of the decade; he’s been a trouble maker and a trendsetter in politics for as long as he’s been a politician.
Going as far back as when Dimeji Bankole was the Speaker of the House of Representatives in 2010, Dino was one of the reps that caused quite a raucous at the house when a motion was raised to impeach Bankole, who was seated calmly, watching chaos unfold right in front of him.
2) Pandemonium In Rivers State Assembly (2013):
Rivers state has always been a hot region but the intensity of the heat was brought to the attention of Nigerians when a free-for-all pandemonium ensued in the state’s senate that left a man’s head and jaw broken and the place in an uproar.
3) Senators Showing Off Their Climbing Skills (2014):
Somehow, senators made the police force stationed in the 7th National Assembly so mad, they got locked out of the Senate house and had to climb a gate to get through; after hours of agitated discussions, persuasions and pleading.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SRsvk5vbkA
4) GEJ & iPhone 5 Legbegbe (2014):
Former president, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, threw a lavish wedding ceremony for his daughter but many Nigerians couldn’t get over the fact that the alleged iPhone 5 souvenirs were quite extravagant, especially given the fact that Nigeria was still reeling from the shock of Chibok girls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram.
5) Oluremi Tinubu vs Dino Melaye (2016):
Dino is everything nobody really likes even though he makes up for it with his singing and theatrics. He proved himself to be a misogynist when he told Senator Remi Tinubu that he would “beat up and impregnate her on the Senate floor and nothing would be done about it”.
This was as a result of a series of clashes and altercations between them, mostly because of his (and Bukola Saraki’s) defection to PDP from APC at the time. Watch Dino trying to defend himself for something so inexcusable:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaf3sxgvn6c
6) Senators Soliciting Prostitutes In America (2016):
Three Nigerian senators embarrassed the life out of us by their scandalous habits, wandering hands and indecent proposals. Samuel Ikon, Mohammed Gololo and Mark Gbillah went on a business trip ( the International Visitor Leadership Program) to Cleveland, USA, with their meandering ways and got called out for harassing their hotel housekeeper and looking for prostitutes.
Just look at their mugshot.
7) Lothario Buka Abbah Sex Scandal (2017):
Former Nigerian Senator Buka Abbah Ibrahim was caught with his pants down, literally and nobody found it palatable at all.
8) Senator Omo-Agege Kidnapping The Mace (2018):
Former Senator Ovie Omo-Agege, now Deputy Senate President, walked into a senate session with thugs to get away with the mace, disrupting activities in the senate on that fateful day. His actions left many aghast, and even more so when he became the Deputy President of the 9th Senate.
Oh you really thought Dino Melaye was the only drama king in Nigerian politics? Nah, of course not. The former governor of Ekiti state, Peter Fayose, pulled a close second to that role while he was in office. Just take a look at the video below, where Fayose complained of his broken neck–while turning it–to see what I mean.
10) That time when Senator Abbo assaulted a woman in a sex shop (2019):
Let’s take a moment to forget the fact that Senator Elisha Abbo was spotted in a sex toy shop and totally focus on the fact that he was cocky enough to slap a woman there, thinking he would get away with it. And that’s something we will never forget.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH2Rj4j7Mq0
Honorable Mention– Dino The Musician (2016):
Dino again? Recall when I stated that he was a trendsetter? Let’s focus on his famous musical videos that got everyone talking for a longtime.
I wonder what Yahaya Bello would have to say now if he re-watches the diss video Dino Melaye made for him.
https://youtu.be/pA6DhStBFPY
If we missed out any messy scandal you think should’ve made this list, add it in the comments! 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇
Are you subscribed to our political newsletter Game of Votes? You should be subscribed to our political newsletter, Game of Votes. Here’s a link to subscribe if you’re not.
We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.
We got an expert mixologist to help us bring one of our sponsored VRSUS videos to life by mixing varieties of chapman. Little did we know she was also a chef until we got in a conversation with her, while sipping our sublime drinks; no they were not spiked.
Apparently, Yetunde Anikulapo Kuti, professionally known as Chef Yeide, is not just a mixologist, she is also a chef and what we would call a versatile creative; how else can we describe the fact that she can sing, dance, mix great drinks and cook mouth-watering dishes?
What began as a passion for cooking creative and tasty dishes at age 12, under the guidance of her late grandmother led her to open her new restaurant-Kuti’s Bistro- which caters Intercontinental and West African cuisines in a contemporary and fine dining atmosphere
Chef Yeide studied Music at MUSON Center, Lagos in 2009, becoming a backup singer and dancer with Seun Kuti and Eypt 80 before she thought to pursue a culinary career, going back to her first love for cooking. This was why she went on to learn cake making and cookery at Yetkem Institute of Catering and Hotel Management in 2010. Her zest for more culinary knowledge had her making French and Senegal cuisines in a French restaurant when she moved to Paris in 2013.
Being widely traveled and bagging a degree in Culinary Arts, an Advanced Diploma in Food Preparation and Cookery, and a Higher International Diploma from Westminster Kingsway College Centre, England, United Kingdom prepared her for the role of an Executive Chef at Barrel Lounge and Restaurant, Ikeja, Lagos in 2018, where she worked for more than a year before establishing Kuti’s Bistro.
Our advice? You should try the chef’s special when you go to Kuti’s Bistro; signature dishes like the Seafood Ofada, the SK (a fish special), the multi-coloured sauce special, they taste superb. Kuti’s Bistro is at located at 9, Ogundana Street, Ikeja, Lagos.
If you grew up in a Yoruba home, you know for sure that your parents do not have exclusive parenting rights on you; there are other people, possessing a hold over you, especially how you behave and stuff. High up on this list are Yoruba aunties. We know you’re rising to that status too, so we thought to do a post on how to be the ultimate Yoruba aunty
Always Show Up Unannounced
If you are really serious about this gig, you can’t let anybody know when you are knocking on their door. How else would you meet your nieces and nephews when their guards are down if they knew your movement? And if anybody tries to turn it into a big deal, just dismiss their protests and justify your movement with an excuse like “I was in the area and decided to say hello.”
Impeccable Supervising Skills
This is a survival skill you need to have, especially for family events – you know the kind where everybody connected by the last name shows up for. In the chaos that usually characterises these events, you must be at the forefront of it, barking orders and making sure everyone follows them. Your eyes have to as sharp as an eagle hovering in the sky and looking for a next meal. More importantly – and pay attention because it is critical – make sure no one steals anything. If that happens, you have failed.
An Unrelenting Gossiping Spirit
To qualify for this role, you must have an innate ability to sniff for news and gossips, even those that many would argue doesn’t concern you. You have to be a sponge, soaking everything in. Of course, you have to spread all these intel you like gathering to anyone who cares to listen, and those who don’t.
Strong Hate For Any Form Of Disrespect
Nothing should disgust you more than any show of disrespect from anyone younger than you, especially your nephews and nieces. If one of those little wankers curtsy the wrong way and you don’t use that opportunity to give them a much-needed lecture about how rotten they are and how things were much different back in your day, I’m sorry, the role is not yours yet. Also, make sure everybody you can make do things call you ‘mummy’.
Develop A Liking To Loud Conversations
Please, note this. The louder your voice is, the more confident you are in your role. It has to be awkward for you if any other person’s voice rises above yours. In fact, it is something you need to remedy immediately – nip it in the bud before anybody starts to question your status.
Offer To Play Host
Now, you have nephews and nieces, many of whom you’d like to spend more time with. So, you need to be as magnanimous as much as you can and offer to host them during the holidays. Most of them won’t accept the invitation, but it doesn’t matter; you’re just doing your job.
Nigerians are yet to come to terms with the fact that cats can be pets but now have to deal with the fact that someone thinks a lion is tame enough to have as a security guard. Reports now confirm that a two-year-old lion was discovered in a residential building in the Victoria Island area of Lagos State.
The whole thing is so ridiculous, it makes me question the rationale of the Indian man who must have thought it too cliche to have a dog, so he decided to get a lion instead; training it to keep visitors out.
Which brings me to these questions:
How was the owner able to get the wild animal into his home without anyone knowing?
Where are our nosy neighbours when you need them?
Does anyone know how expensive it is to feed a Lion in Buhari’s Nigeria?
Because I’m really wondering.
The police force was quick to deploy officers to the residential area but remains slow to take action against the rampant insecurities in Nigeria?
Twisted priorities much?
Authorities took the Lion to the Lekki zoo yesterday; can they show us videos of how they did that?
I’m pretty sure it will give me lots of lol moments.
Do the authorities know that whatever zoo they plan to take this poor animal to in this country is dilapidated?
Who visits zoos these days?
But wait o, imagine if someone who’s scared of dogs goes visiting and sees a lion?
DEAD
Apparently, the Indian may be prosecuted if he can’t come up with a good reason why the lion is in his home. But, I don’t think that’s good enough.
Surely, if LASPARK can sanction someone for cutting down trees then the Lagos State Environmental Sanitation and Special Offences Unit SHOULD definitely prosecute someone who knowingly jeopardized people’s safety; no maybe about it. What if the lion had killed someone?
Travelling the Jollof Road has helped us uncover many interesting facts about West Africa and its people. While there are similarities that bind us, there are also differences that make each country stand out. You get the whole picture when you’re immersed in the culture and lifestyle. Here are some things we noticed about Ghana:
1. Ghanaians are patient drivers
Unlike Nigeria where everyone suffers a bout of road-rage, drivers in Ghana are pretty chill.
2. Having constant electricity is the norm
In Ghana, you don’t have to worry about a possible power outage while you’re watching your favourite show.
3.There’s a strong sense of community
The people of Ghana are the warmest people you’ll ever meet. It’s evident in the way they relate to one another, and even to strangers.
Martell’s Sunday night party was all shades of fun and MAD! We mean that; because how else can one describe the recent Martell at Dusk (M.A.D) which held at Freedom Way, Lekki Phase 1?
The premium cognac brand hosted several people to an evening of laid-back fun and razzmatazz. Here are some major highlights of the event:
Kelechi Amadi-Obi’s Photo Booth
Photographer extraordinaire, Kelechi Amadi-Obi, put out all the stops, as usual, capturing all the fashionable folks and entertaining scenes in the coolest environment – his photo booth.
Nonstop music:
Gbedu and drinks are a great combo, which is why we were really feeling DJ Smallz’ skills on the beat.
Celeb sightings:
From musicians to media personalities, OAP’s and influencers. We can say with our chest that we spotted Ycee, Koko by Khloe, Moet, Isilomo, Sophia Alakija, Becca and of course, the ever energetic and ace hypeman, Shodi–who hosted the event. Err, we might have taken a few selfies with them-because vanity.
Nonstop drinks:
Going to a Martell party and not drinking Martell? That can’t happen. We had more than enough and then some.
Squads:
Because why would you attend a cool outdoor event without your personal persons? Everyone came out with someone, or got someone at this event.
We surely can’t wait to attend another, if only for awesome pictures by a god of photography and of course, some fine Martell.
This is Zikoko’s Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch. We share the most important things that happen in Nigeria every week. 5pm Thursdays. Stay woke.
Be Careful What You Say.
Did you say freedom of speech? SHH, the Nigerian government might have no idea what that means and might not want to hear what you have to say about it. How do I know? Well, the Senate has proposed a bill to kill anybody who speaks hatefully. Damn son, I’ve got bars. But seriously.
What time is it?
Time to check yourself before you say ANYTHING that will be frowned upon because it’s still not clear what hate speech means under the bill; don’t like the border closure? SHH. Curious about the salaries of your senators? SHH. Our government doesn’t like noise; it grinds their gears and they’ll be grinding yours if you are convicted of a hate speech crime.
Whose brilliant idea was this anyway?
Deputy Senate Whip, Sabi Abdullahi, representing Niger North Senatorial district. Apparently, he woke up to this bright idea one morning in 2018 when he was in the 8th assembly, and thought it would be awesome to introduce the bill to the floor because he was uncomfortable with how freely Nigerians in a democratic society spoke. Although it didn’t get the immediate results he wanted, the bill recently reared its ugly head again, had its first reading and many Nigerians arenot likingthis new development at all.
GUESS WHO GOT SACKED.
I’m someone, I’m the chairman of a local party but my members just suspended me. Who am I? Let me give you a clue. My wife’s name is Eve and I’m the first man. Alright, you can stop guessing, it was none other than Adams Oshiomole. News reaching us is that the Edo state chapter of the All Progressives Congress (APC) has suspended him.
Now Why Would They Do Something Like That?
Oshiomole was suspended for his alleged role in the crisis rocking the state chapter of the party. This comes as APC governors give him an ultimatum to resign — As chairman of the All Progressives Congress (APC), he has been asked to convene a National Executive Council (NEC) meeting to address the party’s challenges or resign from his position.
Trouble in Oshiomhole Paradise or Trouble in APC paradise?
Both. Members of the APC have allegedly been protesting against the following: Poor reward system in the party; Abandonment of founding fathers; Neglect of the entire party structure; Failure to convene a quarterly meeting of the National Executive Committee (NEC) – the decision making organ of the party amongst other things.
Particularly in Edo State, the battle between Obaseki and Oshiomole may have escalated to a fist fight. Ahead of the 2020 governorship election in the state, it is alleged that Oshiomole was shopping to replace Obaseki who is the current governor.
As if that was not enough, the Edo chapter of the APC also suspended this same Governor Obasekifor allegedly perfecting plans to defect to the opposition People’s Democratic Party (PDP) ahead of next year’s election.
Is This A Suspension Party?
Here’s the fun part. It just might be a party you and I were not invited to. The man who led the suspension of Oshiomhole — Anslem Ojezua — has also been suspended in acontroversial manner.
DSS DOES NOT GIVE AF ABOUT COURT ORDERS.
Despite countless court rulings to let Sowore go, the DSS is pig-headed about doing that and are simply pissing on the bail conditions that Sowore has met. Their excuse? Nobody came toreceivehim on the D-day, not even his lawyers who fought so hard to. And what happened to the people who dared to protest against this injustice? They got shot atby the DSS.
Meanwhile, the Washington Post is weighing in on this issue of national embarrassment while the State Security Service continues to give reasons why Sowore is still in jail.
DID YOU MISS THIS?
This is for everyone who loves Keke Napeps and maybe lives in Abuja: well, they’ve been bannedin your city.
The Nigerian children will be so glad that DJ Cuppy threw an exclusive party for her 27th birthday since they’ll soon get a share of the N5.1 billion that was raised on their behalf. Right? Right?
Nigerians came for Babatunde Raji Fashola when he dared to claim that the roads in Nigeria were not bad and citizens were just being delusional. We hear you, Mr Minister, we hear you.
NOT.THE.NEWS.
Did you know you need a ferry to get to Senegal from The Gambia? No? Neither did I until I read this. The Jollof Road team is presently in Senegal and they have all the info. Follow them on their trip around West Africa here.
Ministry is moving
The dispatch is growing. If you enjoyed reading this, share this with someone, you hear? Z!KOKO
Are you subscribed to our political newsletter Game of Votes? You should be subscribed to our political newsletter, Game of Votes. Here’s a link to subscribe if you’re not.
We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.
Today’s Abroad Life is about Alafia Olutimehin (Aly), a 24-year-old consultant living in America. She went to uni in North Carolina with the belief she’d return to Lagos to work after school. Nigeria changed, she changed and one lunch granted her access to working in corporate America. Here’s how it happened:
When did you move to America?
I moved here seven years ago in the summer of 2012 for undergrad. Before then, I lived in Lagos. When I finished undergrad, I got admission into grad school and started working afterwards. I’ve been working for about two and a half years in America.
Yooo. Slow down. In seven years, you went from being a student to being a member of the working class in a foreign country?
Hahaha. I know, it’s ridiculous how quick time flies. I can’t believe it’s been seven years already!
So was this always the plan? Leave Nigeria for America, start with school and then go on to get a job?
When I was leaving, I definitely didn’t think or know I was going to stay long term. I was 17 when I moved and in my head, I was going to return to Nigeria. But Nigeria just kept breaking my heart day by day. Midway through undergrad, I started to ask myself, “Where am I really going back to?” I realised that I definitely wanted to work in America where the job market seemed very promising. So I started looking for internships here. By the time I graduated, I had made up my mind about not moving back. I was like, “It’s not me and them, I’m not doing.” And as each day goes by, I’m less likely to move back home. Not until I have the option of coming back when I want to.
I see you sis. That’s like the plan of every other lazy Nigerian yoot living in Nigeria or that has gone abroad. The Nigerian dream is to japa. What was it like leaving for America at such a young age?
I was excited to leave home. It didn’t dawn on me until a semester after that I was in a fucking different country. I didn’t realise what I was getting into. After my first semester, I went back home for the Christmas break and I was around for about three weeks. When I was returning, I was like hay, I’m going back to the cold.
Other than just wanting to leave, the move was easy for me because my sister was an alumnus. So I didn’t really have the international student experience at my school, a small private school in North Carolina — I had the answers to all my questions through my sister.
It however got difficult when I realised how alone I still was. My school was also not very diverse.
Ooh. So like no fellow Nigerians? Africans? Black people?
I was actually the only international student from Nigeria in my school. From Africa, we were like five or six. The larger population of international students were from Asia — about 200 of them. I think there were 5% black students across the whole school out of about 5000 students. My first year at the school marked 50 years since since the school got integrated. Which is wild considering these numbers.
So was racism an issue?
It’s crazy but before I moved to America, I was very ignorant about racial relations in America. I was one of those people who thought racism was just a thing in people’s heads. But going to school in the south helped me to see differently because I also became a minority. I thought I was an international student from Nigeria, but when people saw me, they saw that black student in their class. There were occasional stupid remarks; the microaggression you had to deal with every now and then, nothing major. I had a good experience there.
Do you still live in North Carolina?
Yes, but in Charlotte which is a bigger city. It is a lot more diverse than uni.
So you applied for internships and got them when you were in uni. How did that even happen? Tell us your secrets please.
So interesting story: I wasn’t into accounting or anything related when I was in school. When I moved here for undergrad, I got a very random email from a random woman from the business school saying, “Hey, if you want to learn about the different majors we have, I’d like to get lunch with you and talk.” I was like NOPE, thank you, I’m good please. The plan was to major in chemistry or ECON. But she persisted, so I went to lunch with her. She told me about the business school and the different majors. From there, I met the company that I currently work for. A bunch of different interactions encouraged me to try out accounting.
So in my sophomore year, I took accounting and I fell in love with it. From there, I got an internship with the company I work for now. I got another internship for the summer, another internship for the winter… and then after grad school, they gave me a full time offer.
I’m just wondering how this story would’ve been different if you never responded to that email, or ignored that woman’s persistence.
I actually always wonder about this. Because I’ve realised that my experience is very different from the experiences of several international students. If I had studied ECON, I’d probably be back in Lagos. It would have been difficult to find jobs that would be willing to help me figure out the immigration process especially with the current process and given what’s happening now with the current president. It’s my company that’s helping me with the immigration process. I think it was a combination of luck and responding to the email from that woman.
What’s work for you?
I work in consulting. When I started, work was scary because I didn’t know what I was doing, I felt like I was messing everything up. But I’m learning and gaining new experiences everyday. The coolest thing is looking back at my projects and seeing how much I’ve grown. I’ve been lucky to have a good mix of local and international projects. I like my coworkers and It’s a good working environment. They’re compensating properly, but they could really step it up. Hahaha.
I know you said that it’s very very unlikely that you’ll move back to Lagos, but I’m just wondering is there something that can provoke you to want to move back?
The cold is so uncomfortable. It’s currently got very cold. Thankfully, my current project is pretty flexible, so I can work from home. I only need to go in when I absolutely need to. If you see me outside once it reaches 50°F, then something must be wrong. I really don’t like it. Seasonal depression is real.
Secondly, no matter how comfortable life here is — I mean, I’m not dealing with the incompetence of Nigeria all the time — it’s not home. Your entire life in a different country sometimes feels like you’re not your complete self: You have to adapt to the environment that you’re in. I have to adapt to be the best version of Aly that can work in corporate America. When I’m working with my coworkers, I can’t talk the way I’m talking right now.
I really look forward to being back home every year, even though I know that I’ll complain two weeks in about the traffic in Lagos. But I know that in Lagos, there is no filter.
That makes me wonder about the Nigerian community in Charlotte.
You know how Nigerians are everywhere? Yeah, they are here, but very few, so the Nigerian community is almost nonexistent. It’s not prominent in the way it is in Atlanta and Houston where you can basically build your life around other Nigerians. We don’t have this thriving big community. The only time I’ve seen a lot of Nigerians at once was when I went to Redeemed church.
So you want to eat Jollof rice or pounded yam now, where do you go?
Mehn, I’m suffering in this city. Anytime I’m in DC, Houston, that’s when I get to eat Nigerian food. I mean there are a few places here, but they’re not that good. The other alternative is to go to the store, get my ingredients and cook for myself. I’m really suffering.
So how do you cope in Charlotte? No good Jollof rice lurking in the nearest restaurant; no community; December when you’ll return to Traffic land is still far away. How do you have fun?
When I want fun, or community or food — if I can afford to, I park my load and I’m off to DC or Houston. Charlotte is a good city if you’re working in finance. It’s a good career city. It’s not very expensive. You can live very comfortably here. But it’s not the place you’re coming to for excitement except you’re white.
Honestly sha, I am tired of having to buy a ticket anytime I want to have a good time.
Are you open to moving?
I’m very open to moving elsewhere. I’m still in my 20s, I should enjoy myself a little.
Speaking of moving, when you first decided to stay back in America, what were your parent’s thoughts? I mean you were pretty young.
My parents don’t force down their opinions on me or my siblings. Initially, they wanted me to work in America for a couple of years and then return. But seeing how Nigeria is going, they are less likely to push for that. In fact, If I say I’m coming back to Nigeria today, they’ll come and check if I’m okay.
Hahaha. Hilarious, but true. The life of the average Nigerian girl is quite linear in the eyes of their parents: finish uni, do NYSC, get married, have kids. Are there any expectations from your parents?
Definitely not my parents. If they’re thinking about it, then they are not telling me. Maybe family members who joke about the fact that they were married around my age. Remember that Redeemed church I said I went to?
Yeah?
I met a Nigerian woman who considered all my accomplishments and said the next step was marriage. Seriously?
Nigerians Eh. Smh.
My parents are pretty conservative and my family is pretty traditional, but I don’t get a lot of that. Maybe it’s because I have older unmarried cousins they’re still bothering, so my time has not come yet. And I’m grateful for that. Please I have not enjoyed my life yet. So I’m not settling down soon.
Dating scene in Charlotte?
Nonexistent for me tbh. Tears.
What’s your advice for Nigerians in American schools right now, or about to start?
Pick a field/major that have companies filing for their international employees. Like finance or accounting. It’s key because if you don’t, staying back in America would likely not work out. You’re allowed to stay only a year after your degree and the only way to stay in America is through employment.
What’s the future like for you?
I think I’m definitely going to be here for the next couple of years. When I get my green card, which is soon, thanks to my company, I can be pretty flexible with where I want to live. So I’m not leaving until I get my green card and even then, I still need to maintain residency in America for a bit. And man, I need a second passport in my life. The Nigerian passport will disgrace you.
AH LMAO. What’s the worst thing that has happened to you because you have the Nigerian passport?
I had to renew my passport in the embassy recently, and let me just tell you; all of them are mad. First they were out of booklets. Booklets o. As if it’s natural resources that are scarce Next thing, the printer was not working and they were calling Abuja. And I was like what the hell is Abuja supposed to do? I’m tired of the disrespect.
But that’s not even the experience. I’m supposed to go to Thailand for a wedding. It’s super easy to get a visa if you’re from any other country. But if you’re Nigerian, you have to get a clearance from NDLEA. So me that I’m gainfully employed with proof of that, I’m a drug dealer abi? I sha somehow got it, thanks to my parents. But that’s not all, you’re also supposed to take that clearance to the ministry of foreign affairs to get it authenticated. Then you’ll take it to the Thai embassy in Abuja, before flying that paper to America. For what? I told my friend about the process and she was shocked. I was like you dunno my life, sis.
We are rooting for you Aly. Get that green card, and live your best life!
Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
So you live in Lagos, or somewhere in Nigeria and you feel like you need a break from the stress of being Nigerian or living in Nigeria, you don’t have to look far out when you’re thinking of places to run to and hide for a few days or weeks.
The Jollof road team has been travelling through West Africa for the past 55 days. They’ve been telling a lot of deep stories about what it means to be West African in West Africa today, meeting people from Marlians to foreigners who can zanku better than the average Nigerians. But importantly, they’ve been chronicling some of the places you should go to for your next vacation. If beaches are your thing, then this article will recommend five beaches you should consider putting on your travel wishlist.
You spent a lot of your childhood and early teen years moping about how much your parents suck and whatnot. All you could think about was moving out and becoming your own boss. When you eventually got into adulthood and got emancipated, you realised that life was hell-bent on sucking you dry, such that, events like this make you leap for joy:
Finding money inside your pockets
Only a handful of things come close to the feeling you get when you turn out your pockets as the regular prerequisite to doing your laundry and you whip out some cash. Or you are going through your wallet or purse, looking for something else and there are some naira notes in a corner, waiting for you to find them. It doesn’t really matter how much the money is; it will be enough to lift your mood for a limited time. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen often, but it bangs really hard every time it does.
Hot Homemade food
You probably turned your nose up at your mum’s cooking sometime during your childhood. Now that you’ve moved out, you’ve realised how much those meals did for you. If you could stop anything, it would be to stop spending so much on food, but what can you do? This is why it is such an emotional affair for you whenever someone offers you food and you wouldn’t have to pay for it. Or you finally find time to go home and are greeted by your mother’s cooking. That stuff is a hit.
The Freaking Weekends
Remember those years ago when school was the escape for you and you hate the sight of the weekend? The situation’s changed now. You look forward to the next weekend before the current weekend is over. You just can’t get enough of it.
Public Holidays
Because the weekends are never enough, the next best thing to getting some much-needed free days are public holidays. The country has an absurd number of public holidays, but hell, are they enough for you? Nahhh!
More free days, damnit
The public holidays are hardly enough too, and now, the only time you can catch a break is when you go on leave (if you go on leave). You wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but you spend an embarrassing amount of time thinking about these (usually) two weeks you will get away from work.
Your Payday
I mean, It’s one of the few days (and they are very few) in a month that makes every bit of the struggle you deal with worth something; one of the few days you feel completely alive.
Splitting a bill with friends or colleagues is super cost-effective when you’re hanging out with them. It puts your mind at rest that everyone is going to have a good time without worrying about money and who will pay for what. But that’s only when everyone behaves themselves without trying to argue their way out of their share of lying that they forgot their wallet in la-la land.
Sometimes it’s not even deliberate, sometimes life happens and you have to pay the bills you intended to split. Here are a few scenarios you might run into problems when trying to split the bill:
1. When you share a cab with friends but the fare turns out higher than the estimate:
So y’all hailed a cab and calculated the estimated charge. But you are the last person to drop off, which is how you know that the final fare surpasses the money you and your friends gathered; now you’re stuck with paying for more than you planned.
2. When you order in and the delivery man comes before everybody else:
You’re having a mini get together. You and your friends decide to order in some food and split the cost, but the delivery guy comes earlier than you estimated and some people are still on their way to your house with cash. This means you might have to bear the cost all by yourself — until they get to your house at least.
3. When you go clubbing with colleagues and suddenly can’t find everyone when it’s time to pay:
You want to celebrate TGIF on a grand scale with friends so you choose to go out with colleagues after work. Sharing the bills with them saves you the mild heart attack you may have the next morning, so you’re not worried. But when it’s time to pay the bills, you can’t find a few of them in the crowd in the club. So you start panicking.
4. When you’re having drinks with friends but they don’t have enough cash to pay for their drinks:
Having a drink after work with friends is a great way to wind down from your workload. But when it’s time to pay, somebody’s card isn’t working and someone doesn’t have cash, so you, the only person that can transfer has to pay. Then you start thinking about how to collect your money from them without being this aggressive.
5. Eating at a restaurant and the bill is combined so you have to start dividing the cost manually:
Sometimes. it’s best when you share a meal in a restaurant instead of just ordering in all the time. But then, the waiter combines the bill and you have to start doing the math of figuring out how much Tolu is going to pay, how much food Tony ate, etc.
Sometimes, it can be really stressful trying to split the bill with friends. Especially when you’re doing it manually. However, that is no longer a problem. The new GoMoney app eliminates all that stress by making it easy to split bills and receive money from anybody, even at midnight on a Friday! So no more excuses from your friends and colleagues and no more overthinking how you’ll ask for your money back because GoMoney has your back!
To get early access to the app and win up to 75,000 Naira, join the GoMoney waitlist at gomoney.global and share your referral link with your friends. Referrals get you points that determine your place on the leaderboard; the more friends you refer, the more points you earn, which bumps you up higher on the leaderboard. If you’re part of the top 10, you stand a chance of winning 75,000 Naira.
LAGOS, NIGERIA – On November 13th, award-winning journalist Eromo Egbejule’s directorial debut Jesse: The Funeral That Never Ended premieres at the Africa International Film Festival (AFRIFF) in Lagos. The documentary film is the previously untold and emotionally gripping story of another community in the oil-rich Niger Delta whose gift became a curse.
Twenty-one years ago, a massive leak pipeline passing through the community, connecting the south and north of Nigeria, triggered an explosion that ultimately resulted in the death of at least one thousand people, with hundreds more undocumented and tens of survivors with ghastly scars. Jesse: The Funeral That Never Ended, the rehashing of that tragic story as it happened in 1998, is produced by Arit Okpo, the host of CNN African Voices Changemakers.
“The documentary is the resurrection of an impeccably tragic story of a people who were hemmed in all sides by what should have been a blessing for them”, says Egbejule. “With all the stories coming from the Niger Delta, it was important for us to tell this one lest they stay forgotten and become drops in the ocean.”
It captures the crucial moments before and after the pipeline exploded, through the eyewitness accounts of survivors of the long-lasting inferno, relatives of the dead, first responders at the scene and community leaders. Narrated by Singto Saro-Wiwa whose father, the playwright and environmental activist Ken Saro-Wiwa was hanged this month in 1995 by the Sani Abacha regime for his fervent criticism of the region’s exploitation, it also includes interviews with Nnimmo Bassey and the late Oronto Douglas, two contemporaries of the elder Saro-Wiwa.
The film threads the environmental degradation of the Niger Delta, the evolution of its people into collateral damage to continue the conversation on the region’s bittersweet relationship with crude oil. In Okpo’s words, “the story of Jesse is the story of the Niger-Delta; a people for whom a gift has become a tragedy, a story of lives changed forever and of scars that exist long after the rest of the world has moved on.”
PRODUCER
Arit Okpo is a TV presenter, documentary filmmaker, and voice-over talent. She is the Host of CNN African Voices Changmakers, where she tells the stories of Changemakers across the African continent. She is also the host of Untold Facts, a web talk show exploring the perspectives and experiences of LGBT people in Nigeria.
Arit produced and presented the current affairs show The Crunch and Nigerian politics show Naija Politics for Ebonylife TV. She was Producer and Interviewer for a mini-documentary on Grammy nominee Seun Kuti as part of the United Nations African Allies Series. She has also produced mini-documentaries showing the work of the Obudu Conservation Centre and the British Council’s CreativeEnterprise Program.
DIRECTOR
Eromo Egbejule is a journalist who covers mostly conflict, politics, culture and human identity with a historical lens across West and Central Africa. His writing and photography have appeared everywhere including The Guardian (UK), Al-Jazeera, Washington Post, Telegraph, Financial Times, Times of London, The Atlantic, The Africa Report, Thomson Reuters Foundation, and others.
He has covered among other things the Boko Haram insurgency in northeastern Nigeria, gender violence and flooding in Sierra Leone, immigration in Guinea, the Anglophone crisis in Cameroon, Ebola epidemic in Liberia, landslides in Sierra Leone, pastoralist crisis across the Sahel, Sino-African investment in Djibouti as well as sustainability in the Peruvian Amazon. A 2016 CNN Multichoice Journalism Awards nominee, he is currently a Dag Hammarskjöld Fellow at the UN HQ in New York. In 2017, Egbejule was a visiting lecturer and researcher at Malmö University, Sweden. Jesse: The Funeral That Never Ended is his debut film.
Black Friday deals are the best; you get to buy goods, gadgets and household items at the lowest prices. Although there have been many controversies about the origin of the term, Black Friday, many people are willing to overlook it in their quest to acquire quality items at the cheapest rate. Who doesn’t like awoof?
In Nigeria however, Black Friday deals are never straightforward because the discounted and flash sales by eCommerce companies in Nigeria are designed to frustrate everyone’s efforts.
Here are some of the antics that online retail stores make to avoid selling customers items at ridiculously low prices, totally negating their advertisements and promises to that end:
Hiked fees weeks before:
So you think you’re really smart by waiting until November before buying anything from that eCommerce store?
Well, you have another think coming because they are always one step ahead, which is why they increase the prices of all their items weeks before Black Friday, then plummet it back to the normal price for “discounted sales” and you’re there chopping that ela like no man’s business.
Treasure hunts that lead nowhere:
When you are told that the only way to get that IPhone X you’ve been lusting after is to canvass through lots of irrelevant items that you don’t want. So begins the merry go round of actually finding NOTHING or clicking on an item that gives a different result:
Remember when I said everything is designed to frustrate your efforts? You should have taken that literally because the websites and mobile apps of these eCommerce companies only get temperamental when its Black Friday.
So you’re there trying to login but it’s taking forever and you think it’s your bad network that’s causing it? Nah. You’re gonna miss the 6pm flash sale deadline because the company wants you to.
Tik-tok clock that runs faster than Usian Bolt:
Don’t forget the fact that you are trying to beat the 30 minutes clock of the flash sales while trying to actually get that preferred fridge–all to no avail, because everything is designed to work against you. Losing sleep is simply not worth it.
Sold out items within nanoseconds:
Yes, we know everyone is scrambling to buy every discounted item and the fastest finger wins but, isn’t it weird that some items are tagged as “sold out” and “out of stock” a minute after they were put on display? I smell a rat and its rotten.
Price slash for irrelevant products:
The most ridiculous thing is when you log on to an online store and see that all the items with a price slash are things you are not interested in buying because their original price isn’t that expensive sef and you can buy them at anytime–Black Friday or not.
When you can’t checkout your cart:
Yay! You scaled through and were able to prove everyone that ever said “Black Friday in Nigeria is a scam” wrong. Awesome. Err, have you been able to check out your cart? Ha, maybe you should refresh the website. What? The website has crashed? SORRY O.
Today’s Abroad Life is about a place and a thing I know next to nothing about – Germany and Software developing. Who better to help straighten things out that Segun Famisa, a software developer who has spent the past two years kicking butt and taking names in software development all the way in Germany.
Before this call started, I made the mistake of googling how much a developer earns and Google told me personally, that developers earn an average salary of about $106,000. Facts or nah?
Well, I live in Germany and these figures usually vary from city to city. A developer can earn more in London and earn less in New York. Or they could be balling in San Francisco. There’s no real global average. In Germany, it can go from €40,000 all the way to €100,000. It depends on certain factors like cost of living, city, company, experience level, etc.
Hold on, let me bring my calculator out real quick. Okay oh.
I see. So one Euro makes ₦400. We will now be taking a break from Abroad Life to have a special cross-over event. Abroad life meets Naira Life meets a masterclass to make Boyin a developer in two days.
Haha. Oh really?
Really really. This bag won’t make itself. What’s the first thing I have to know to become a developer?
Probably just how computers work you know how the internet works. Like, what happens you type a tweet?
You hit send?
LOL, well yes that. But also, what makes it tick and the software behind that.
Got it! All I have to do is learn the software behind the entire internet before Sunday.
Ah, you’ll do what? I’ll say this though. Software development has one of the lowest barriers to entry. Like you could go from novice to a reasonable point in about 6 months. Getting from 0 – 1 is the hardest part, 1 – n is a lot easier.
Okay. I’ve stored that in my basket of knowledge. What made you want to become a developer? I could be wrong, but I don’t see Nigerian universities offering that as a course.
Oh, they do. I finished from OAU, and there was a Computer Science and Engineering program. Others have maybe software engineering programs. I mean you don’t need formal education to become a developer but the option is there in Nigeria.
Uh-oh. ASUU 1, Boyin 0.
So you asked about becoming a developer and I’ll say I stumbled into it. My first encounter with making things work on computers was in secondary school when a corper taught us basic computer programming, you know Q Basic etc.
*Pretends to know what Q basic is*
From there, my interest in computers was piqued. So when I attended Obafemi Awolowo University, I took some courses, like Fortran 77.
Oh ofcourse! Fortan 77. *No idea what that is*
Haha. It’s a programming language. So in my second year of Uni, OAU went on strike.
Pretends to be shocked.
Because students are stubborn, nobody went home. There was a program co-sponsored by Nokia and MIT that happened during that period. It was called EPROM. Entrepreneurial Programming and Management. There we learnt how to program Nokia Phones, S40 and S60 phones.
Wait, wait, wait. You’re talking a lot of nerd here!
LOL. Okay, so pretty much we learnt how the operating systems on Nokia phones like the N-Series and the E-Series worked, and how to build apps. All of this was during the strike oh.
So how did you go from being an undergrad tinkering with an N75, to becoming a Google developer expert for android?
So there was a person involved with the Nokia program in OAU called Fowe that started an IT program for mentees, which I joined. He pointed the members of the group in the right directions and pushed me to learn how to develop android apps. I graduated and started working in different companies associated with the craft. After that, I became very, very active in the developer community in OAU and Lagos — doing presentations on new, cool products, writing articles, giving talks, attending seminars etc. These are some of the things that kind of get you some notice.
*Furiously takes down notes*
I was also super active in the Google developer group in Lagos, used to attend and speak at events. That was where I guess I was noticed by the developer ecosystem managers at Google, first by someone here and someone in Kenya. They recommended me to the Google Developer Expert Program (GDE) and well, here I am now.
Noted and noted. So you’re currently cooling your heels in Germany. That visa, how boys dey run am?
First off, I’m actually literally cooling my heels here. It is very cold! But the visa, hmm. It was quite easy getting it when I did.
When was that?
Back in 2017. All I needed was to have the checklist of documents they prescribed and there was pretty much no stress to apply for a work visa. But these days I heard it’s war oh! I heard it can take up to ten months, just to get an appointment to apply for the visa.
Ten months? Who did we offend?
Ajuju!
LOL. So, the closest I’ve ever been to Germany is maybe riding in a BMW, how does a Yoruba from … where are you from again?
Osun State.
Ehen. How does a Yoruba boy from Osun State go from ekaaro ara-ile (good morning people of the house) to guten morgen schönen Tag (good morning, lovely day)?
Man, let me tell you, it is no joke. Let me give an example. You see this word – Adoflstraße? That ‘ß’ is pronounced as a double ‘s’, so if you’re pronouncing it, you would ay ‘Adolfstrasse’. One day, I spent like an hour asking people for directions to ‘Adolfstrabe’.
Oh no!
Another time, I had a package and because it was boxed, it had to go through customs. Customs means paperwork, paperwork means everything is in German and I have to carry my colleague with me to their office like he’s my daddy to help translate.
Wait, you didn’t learn the language before coming?
Look, before I came to work in Germany, I was working in Andela with a partner company in Seattle, so I was up from 1 PM to like 10 PM. Got my job in July, moved here in October, there was just no time for it. I mean I tried DuoLingo before coming, but it didn’t reach anywhere.
Before!
Now, I have an A2.1 certification in the German language which is like an advanced beginner, but when I first came, little things like grocery shopping confused. So you see these Germans, they have like 50 different kinds of salt?
Who needs 50 different kinds of salt?
See, that’s how they ask questions oh! I went to the grocers to get Kartoffeln and Salz which are potatoes and salt. Please tell me why I saw garlic salt, sea salts etc all marked ‘salz’. And the thing with the packaging here is, they’re sealed at the top so I couldn’t open to confirm what kind of salt it was. Went home and found that I had bought something like stone, had to grind the salt just to be able to use it.
Uh-oh. So is language the most difficult thing about living in Germany?
I mean, if you’re talking about difficult. I used to live in Ajah and I had to work in Yaba. I faced like two-hour traffic going and coming every single day, so that was something. If I travel two hours from where I live in Düsseldorf, I’d probably land in Dortmund. So yeah, language is small. The cold, now that’s difficult.
How bad is it?
It gets pretty cold, but it’s just to wear jacket and shake it off you’ll be fine. Now the people of Germany, that’s an interesting topic.
Ah, what did they do?
Nobody greets here. And it’s not in the dobale or kneel down way. Like if you enter an elevator everyone just averts their eyes to avoid looking at you. They can lead very isolated lives. Like I’ve had my neighbour for two years and I think I’ve only seen him once. Maybe he has a baby? I saw a stroller outside his house one time.
What.Can.This.Mean?
It’s a cold place out here oh. Literally and figuratively. Some Germans can be chatty, but the majority aren’t. And it spreads to even immigrants, everyone is just eyes front on the streets. But before I enter that, there’s something I didn’t add about the language.
What’s that?
They have like 12 different ways of saying ’the’
Huh?
So it depends on if the is a subject or object, you’ll use a different ‘the’. If you’re referring to a masculine object, you use one type of the, if it’s the subject, you use another the.
Then prepositions matter too. There’s a whole thing with cases in German – Dativ, Akkusativ, Nominativ, Genutiv. All these things affect the type of ‘the’ used.
A2.1 Certification is showing!
That’s us! Apart from that, there’s this thing where you have to capitalise all proper nouns in German, even if it’s in the middle of a sentence. So say you want to write, ‘I think that table is far’, in German, the ‘Table’ must be capitalised. The language is interesting sha.
It really is. So how does a German developer like you spend his day?
Doing normal developer things. There’s this trope that developers don’t need human interaction, but they really do. So most of the day, you can spend it writing code. But you need to interact with other developers because the developer spectrum is too wide to know everything. Then you talk to key stakeholders, like CEOs of the product you’re helping to build. So it’s about the same thing in Germany and everywhere else.
Got it. And if you want to unwind? What would you do? What would you eat? What do they eat over in Germany actually?
Haha, funny you should ask about food. I love the food here, but it might be because I’m open to trying new things. It’s a lot of sausages and pork and vegetables. My favourite thing to eat is maybe the Schnitzel mit Pommes, which is like chicken breasts, breaded and flat. Then there’s a lot of street food with sausage, like Bratwurst, Currywurst. The food actually bangs here.
Amala and ewedu who?
Haha. There are African stores you can get all the produce and things, but like I said, I like trying new things. Now to unwinding in Germany…
Yep?
There are clubs with Afrobeats and you see a lot of immigrants and black people there. Which is a notable thing, there are a lot of Ghanaians or people of Ghanaian ancestry here. Then Eritreans, not that many Nigerians. Sha, everyone goes to these clubs and while you know, the German way has infected everyone and no one is as chummy, there’s always the friendly nod, so that’s good. Oh another thing about,nobody really drives in Düsseldorf where I live.
Even with their BMWs?
Yes oh. The transport system is so efficient that you don’t need to own one. Only families that go on maybe road trips and do a lot of cross-country travel actually bother with them. Because you’d have to pay tax on the car and find parking and these Germans do not like that kind of stress, so that’s their way.
An efficient transport system. God when? Now speaking of the German people, you’re from a country and you’re now living in a country with a terrible track record of human genocide essentially. Is there a difference in how both countries treat their history?
Well, for one thing, World War 2 is taught in schools here. Nigeria doesn’t even have history in her curriculum to begin with, so that’s one way knowledge of the Civil War is kept shuttered. But over here, there’s a whole sense of shame about it and just a deliberate attempt to make sure history never repeats itself.
What kind of attempts?
Well, in Berlin, you can see people from one section of society, putting out racist posters in public spaces, you know just trying to start some drama and hate. But these same Germans, from another section of society will place other posters on top of those, just spreading positivity and making it abundantly clear, there’s no tolerance for that kind of hate. That’s not to say
I don’t experience racism every now and then — sometimes overt, other times micro-aggressions.
Terrible. Any chance you’ll be telling Germans to carry their country and go anytime soon?
Well, I’m still young so I’m open to the idea of moving to other places and exploring the world, so we’ll see.
Energy! Meanwhile, I’ll tell you how becoming a developer by Sunday works for me.
Haha. Sure thing!
Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
Henkel Nigeria, the makers of WAW Detergent and Bar Soap, has unveiled and signed on Funke Akindele-Bello as its brand ambassador.
L-R: Olumide Aniyikaiye (Head of Marketing, Henkel Nigeria, Rajat Kapur (Henkel Nigeria’s Chairman and Managing Director), Funke Akindele-Bello(WAW Brand A, and Yinka Adebayo (Executive Director, OMG WeCa)
The event, which held on the 1st of November 2019 was a great way to start the month, according to Funke Akindele-Bello.
WAW Detergent, with its mantra ‘Washes A Lot, Saves A Lot,’ aims to create more awareness about the brand and its amazing features, one of which is through the brand ambassador.
Speaking about the ambassadorial role, Funke says she is excited to be joining the WAW family and can’t wait to get to work.
Let’s throw it back to when life was somewhat easier. At the time, Instant Messaging wasn’t exactly as mainstream as it is now, with limited options available.
2go came in and became a hit. For starters, it ran on Java phones, which was what most people were using at the time. WhatsApp was available already, but it was running on OS lots of people didn’t have access to at the time – Symbian, Blackberry, and Android.
The struggle to buy GoCredits
2go was free for the most part, but you need the credits to get some additional fun features and in-app purchases. You probably starved yourself at some point to buy the airtime you converted to the coveted credits.
The group chats with your classmates and friends
Before WhatsApp groups became the thing, there were the group chats you can belong to with your friends. It was the littlest thing ever. Lots of gist and gossip to go around.
And the lit chat rooms
There was a lot of them, spanning across different topics and interests. Lots of people to meet and lots of noise to make.
And the ridiculous display names
Nigerians had always been creative sets of people. Oh, by the way, if you ever sent airtime or GoCredits to “Sexydiva2001”, chances are that you fell to a “romance scam”
Let’s not forget 2Go Trivia and 2Go words
http://gph.is/1pFBRiZ
These are by far the best parts of 2Go. The trivia and anagram games were the bombs. You wanted to win as many rounds as you could, so you had to bring your A-Game on.
Ha, the race to reach Ultimate
2go operated a star system – some sort of hierarchy determined by how much time you spent on the app. You start from novice and climb up to the summit – ultimate. If you got past Professional, you need to be proud of yourself.
But then, WhatsApp and BBM became the trends
http://gph.is/2cRN8tw
As they say, every good thing must come to an end. The popularity of WhatsApp and the now-defunct BBM became the death of 2go. Anyway, it was good while it lasted.
It’s been established that Nigerian mothers are a rare breed. On top of the things that irritate them the most is your relationship with your phone. It’s even crazy to think about it, but it almost feels like they have a serious case of Fear Of Missing Out. And to live with that, they find creative ways to plug themselves in and give you grief for daring to “love” something else more than you love them.
If you have a Nigerian mother, these are some of the times your phone has had to take the fall for something you did or something that happened to you.
The Time You Forgot The Details On An Errand She Sent You
https://gph.is/g/46gDyBq
So many things could have happened here, but they don’t matter to your mum. As far as she is concerned, you are forgetful only because you spend too much time on your phone. That’s not all, depending on how old you’re, you might have to deal with the pain of her locking your ears.
The Time Your Grades Slipped
Few things make Nigerian parents go on a meltdown than when you make them think you’re wasting the fortune they’re spending on you. Of course, one of the first things they blame is your phone. The perfect retort would be “If I didn’t have my phone, I still wouldn’t study”, but you might need to find new sponsors if you let these words out.
The Time You Didn’t Do A Chore Up To Her Standards
First, you need to understand that no matter how hard you try, you can never sweep the floor as clean as your mother would want, iron her clothes to a crisp, or do anything she will be impressed with. She blames this on your low concentration level, which you have because you’re always pressing your phone.
The Time You Had A Headache
https://gph.is/2VZt6BP
Ha! This is a classic. Why won’t you have a headache when you won’t let your brain rest since you are always on your phone?
The Time You Made A Mistake Or Had An Accident
http://gph.is/1uvLjpp
You could slip because the tiled floor had just been cleaned, and the blame would go to your phone. No connection there, but your mother simply doesn’t care. And oh, make sure you don’t add to much salt to the soup if you don’t want to endure a tirade about how your phone is ruining your life.
For all the grief they give you about how much time you spend on your phone, you would think they would be happy every time you missed their calls, but no. If you want to see the undiluted wrath of your mother, don’t be with your phone whenever she calls you.
http://gph.is/2iwMaEM
And hey, let’s not forget that you are their go-to person every time they need to fix their “WhatZup” or buy data.
It’s the year 2004. Usher has just dropped ‘Burn’ and you’re trying to get this song on your Nokia 3310, so your tears can have background music after Nnena in JSS2 ticked ‘No’ when you asked if she liked you.
You probably either downloaded the polyphonic ringtone, or attempted and failed to make the ringtone by yourself. See struggle!
But that’s just one of the struggles we had to go through to get music on our phones. Do any of these struggles to listen to music sound familiar?
1. Recording songs from television or radio just to have your favourite song on your phone.
Beyonce will be singing ‘Halo’ and you’ll be hearing kra-kra from the television static as the back-up singer.
2. Receiving struggle ringtone-songs via infrared.
If you didn’t join your phone with another phone like it was their wedding day, just to be able to have small gbedu to dance to, did you even live?
3. One time for this legend.
We must give honour to whom it is due!
4. I mean, look at what people had to go through to listen to music at the gym!
Who needs weights when you had walkmans waiting and ready for you?
5. If your love for music didn’t have you carrying gadgets about like you were a part-time salesboy in Computer Village, then just know:
From iPods to mp3 players, to walkmans, to cassette players. See, we really tried.
6. Has this ever been you when they try to pass the aux cord in the car?
Not because you don’t have music, but because you don’t want to expose all the illegal places you download your music from. We have your type at home!
Thankfully, all these struggles aren’t your portion anymore and you have MTN’s Music Time App to thank. If you have an android phone, all you have to do is download the Music Time application from the Play Store here, and get all the songs you’ve always wanted to listen to, stress-free literally at the palm of your hand.
You always hear white people say it, but for real, for real, Christmas is a time for giving and not receiving.
Knowing this, there is no better way to spend Christmas this year, than to take a little focus off of yourself, and instead share the good cheer and love of the season with others. So you won’t have to think too much (thinking causes wrinkles), we thought up four wholesome ways you can let others feel the love this Christmas. Before you ask, this is just one of our good deeds for the season.
Bringing good tidings to children.
Here’s the thing about children, the majority of them are so low-maintenance, it’s almost laughable. You don’t need the biggest bouncy castles or the most elaborate gifts to make their day. Some quality time here, a little Jollof rice and chicken there, perhaps throw a few games into the mix and watch their Christmas and faces take on a glow like you have never seen. I mean look at these cuties!
2. Sharing a meal or two to with people who might not have a lot.
Absolutely no one should have to go without, least of all on Christmas. So this year, take some time out to hand out food, offer any assistance and to show a lot of love to those who aren’t in the best place to do so for themselves.
3. Playing a part in making sure everyone gets to drip for Christmas!
There’s a recipe for a great Christmas and it involves ingredients like food, great music and Christmas clothes. Here’s how you can make up 1/3 of the trifecta. Give out clothes to the less fortunate. And not just any clothes, clothes they will appreciate. Just to be clear, your clothing gifts shouldn’t be in the holes and run-down territory.
4. Providing financial aid to communities.
We’ll admit, we can all do with a little extra cash at any point in time, but there’s something about Christmas that makes those expenses just hit different.
So, as a part of your end of year good deeds, reach, and by reach, we mean really dig into your pockets and give someone less fortunate a thousand or maybe even a million reasons to smile.
What’s best is, you can do all four of these things without working alone. Christmas on The Streets is working to put a smile on the faces of a lot of people this year 2019. Since 2012, the CoTS team has been working to put smiles on numerous faces over Christmas and during the year.
If you’d like to be a part of the project, all you have to do is follow this link and sign up to partner with them. Have a very Merry Christmas!
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a Friday series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
Bella Alubo — “Kolombi” ft. Mr Eazi
Last Friday, the versatile Bella Alubo dropped her star-studded EP, Summer’s Over. While the entire project is overflowing with impressively written and confidently performed bops, it’s the Mr Eazi-assisted “Kolombi” that stands out the most.
On the sultry, GuiltyBeatz-produced banger, Bella shines, singing about a partner she has immense sexual chemistry with. Mr Eazi is expectedly fantastic on the track, delivering what might just be his strongest guest work this year.
Larry Gaaga — “Lekwa” ft. Reekado Banks
One of the most unexpected hitmakers of the past two years, Larry Gaaga just dropped the soundtrack album for Living In Bondage: Breaking Free, and the catchiest track off the project is easily the Reekado Banks-aided “Lekwa”
Larry Gaaga is known for bringing out the best in the artists he collaborates with, and “Lekwa” is certainly no different. Reekado Banks, who sings about how much he loves his woman, sounds absolutely incredible on the heartwarming banger.
Mr Eazi, King Promise — “Call Waiting” ft. Joey B
Mr Eazi has been on a hot streak all year, both as a solo and a featured act. For his latest effort, “Call Waiting”, he teams up with two Ghanaian heavyweights, King Promise and Joey B, and the result is another infectious gem from the banku star.
On the track, which is all about being in love, King Promise definitely emerges as the MVP. Granted, Mr Eazi is very impressive on the song, but King Promise elevates the entire thing. The only negative is that the talented Joey B isn’t given enough to do.
For the average Nigerian, getting from point A to B involves four transport options; walking, motorcycle rides, tricycles and buses. Of the four, most people tend to use motorcycles when they’re in a hurry or over short distances. You can see how this is a recipe for problems; most regular commercial bike riders treat their bikes like weapons of mass destruction. Luckily they aren’t the only options available. Keep your eyes open for these important bits and you can tell the difference between a safe ride and one that’ll end in the giant gutter near your street.
Is There Even Any Safety Gear In Sight?
The most important of these is the helmet, although if you asked a random bike rider, the more stylish option is a face cap. Most see helmets as an inconvenience, so all you need to get on a ride is to come as you are. Obviously, it doesn’t always end well.
Does The Motorcycle Look Like Something From Mad Max?
Simply put: is the motorcycle in good condition? Walking through any random Nigerian city, you’ll definitely see bikes with pieces of metal or wire held together by tape, or looking like an exhaust pipe for a second engine. That’s not talking about those ones with no working dials on their dashboards. You don’t need to take that kind of risk with your life.
null
Is There Any Respect For Traffic Rules?
Most bike riders swear they’re revolutionaries and the rules don’t apply to them. Bet you had no idea that motorcycles are supposed to stick to the right side of the road. Now think about how many times you’ve been on one fighting for space with a PathFinder on the left side of Third Mainland. God safe us, but first, let’s save ourselves.
Trained Or Nah?
Would you trust your life to a 14-year old driver whose only experience is video games and driving around in his estate? So why do you do the same with motorcycle riders? We hardly think about it but training can be everything, and trust me, you’ll recognise training when you see it,
The Rider’s Knowledge
Ask a random commercial bike rider if he knows the direction to your destination and odds are he’ll say yes before you even mention the place. Sad thing is, very few of them really do. Before you board a bike, you want to be sure that the rider knows the direction or, in the worst case scenario, he has some help i.e maps.
In a city like Lagos, or any other Nigerian city for that matter, getting on the right motorcycle can make all the difference. That’s why Gokada has made sure to equip their riders with the very best motorcycles, technical support and weeks of training.
Don’t want to end up praying for your life while going 240 on Lekki-Epe? Download the Gokada app now and ride through your city in the safest possible way, with trained drivers who will get you to your destination in one, unscratched piece.
Fuji House of Commotion was one of the biggest hits of the 90s and early 2000s. It was hilarious, had some of the best actors in Nollywood and full of so much drama. We decided to throw it back all the way today and find out just how much of a Nollywood/Fuji House of Commotion stan are you.
If you’ve not been living under a rock you’ve probably heard a lot about the longstanding feud about whose jollof rice is better–Nigeria’s or Ghana’s?
While the jollof rice war is a friendly debate that keeps the harmony going between some West African countries, such as Senegal, Ghana, Nigeria, Gambia, Sierra Leone, Liberia and Cameroon, it can really get tiresome for people who don’t even CARE about the argument.
Here are 7 things you’ll find relatable if you roll your eyes every time you see yet another; “who has the best jollof rice?”
You wonder who exactly started the argument in the first place
Aren’t there better things to do than argue about food?
What’s the big deal about the rice sef?
As long as you can eat something, you are fine.
You don’t even like rice
You can totally survive without it.
Surely, there are more important things to talk about?
Like, “can the Nigerian government do a census so we know what the population really is?”
Why exactly is jollof rice considered a “national treasure”?
Can the Spanish get on this jollof war? Because they have one too.
What’s the prize for the winner of this jollof rice debate?
Abeg what’s the end game?
Will there be feud’s about other meals?
Or is it just this rice sha?
Meanwhile, while everyone else is clamoring for jollof rice supremacy, making short films, getting people enraged by their oopsies; our Jollof Road team is currently touring West Africa to discover what the fuss is really about. They are sampling different foods along the way, understanding different cultures and interacting with different people, but they’re really just spying on the jollof rice recipes of other countries so they can come back with the results and end the friendly feud.
If you are an introvert who would rather exist in isolation if you can help it, you know things get real for you a lot of time. But only a few things come close to when you have to start a new job and go into an unfamiliar territory. Do the following scenarios sound familiar to you?
The dread you feel the on the day before your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXx7nna
You like the promise your new job holds, but that also means a new space and new people to get used to. The anxiousness that starts on the eve of your first day can really be overwhelming.
You try to avoid everybody on your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXYpnRA
You’re the new kid on the block, so naturally, everyone wants to be nice to you. But all you want to do is to be as invisible as much as you can, so you try to avoid all contact and just bury yourself in the work.
You run off to the toilet every time you need a break
http://gph.is/2HDe9OJ
No one is really bothering you, but you feel their gazes on you. The clicking sound of keyboards and overlapping conversations is getting too much for you too, so you bolt to the bathroom to get your shit together. It really doesn’t work, but you have to try.
The horror you feel when you have to introduce yourself to your new co-workers
http://gph.is/1J5WLNK
New kid on the block duties means you have to let your new colleagues know who you are. You can manage if you have to do it on an inter-personal basis, but the amount of mental energy that goes into preparing for this if you have to stand in the middle of the office and introduce yourself is really exhausting.
You try your best to fit in ASAP so they wouldn’t think you are fake
You feel like they are giving you or your existence much thought, and you would really hate to the guy everyone thinks is the proud, fake co-worker, so you put on your best act to be as natural as much as possible, which is pretty exhausting and futile. You fit in eventually, but it’s a slow, agonising process.
You overthink every word you say every time you have to speak
Collaboration matters a lot in a workspace. You would prefer to be the resident mute, but you have to talk to people sometimes. You think about every single word you utter moments before you say them, and you think about them hours later, hoping they came out in the way you’d hoped.
