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1) Not dropping offering money so you can buy ice cream after church.
2) Your parents offering to help you “save” the money visitors dash you.
3) Keeping the change when you run an errand.
4) Greeting the visitor over and over again so they will drop money.
5) Slightly inflating the price of textbooks.
6) Volunteering to wash clothes in the hope of seeing free money inside pockets.
Lagos is full of different people, and entering a danfo with one or two or even five of them is one sure way to encounter Lagos in a small way. We came up with a list of five people you’ll probably meet when you board a danfo. Which one of them do you recognise?
Sometimes, you won’t even know they are there. Until you hear, “Let somebody shout Halleluyah!” and you realise it’s time for danfo devotion.
“Bros abeg, help me put this one for your leg. Thank you, ehn. God go bless you plenty.”
They always want to see what you’re doing on your phone. Sometimes they can tell you to wait for them to finish reading that tweet you’re reading. The audacity.
These ones are the danfo-preneurs. They sell everything from cough syrup to hair boosters to cure for ulcer and big yansh creams. All for two hundred and fifty naira.
These ones are doing God’s work, to be honest. They are the ones who will gather all the money for the driver and ensure everyone gets their change. May God bless them for us.
Easy tip so you don’t disgrace your ancestors while taking this quiz. Read this article for a little information on FESTAC ’77 first, okay?
Firstly, this is a safe place
Secondly, this was done for the sake of science
Lastly, leave your home training at the door and come in
So, the other day I was wondering (not so loudly) the cost of adult toys. With dwindling wages and increased unemployment, what’s the cost of a decent toy that will satisfy you and also not leave you bankrupt?
So, we decided to pick a price point (N10,000) and search for some of the items that can be purchased under this bracket. This is because our job at Zikoko is to make sure you enjoy your life…but on a budget. Chop life but track it on a spreadsheet
Apart from the fact that some toys are freakishly expensive, some are just plain scary. Not to bore you with the gory details of the dark web, let us begin.
1) Dear men, this is for you
After seeing this, the meaning of let’s grab a beer is no longer the same for me. At N10,000, this masturbator comes shaped like a beer bottle to deflect suspicions and it’s super easy to use (or so the manual says).
2) The home and away weapon of pleasure or pain
For N5,200, you can either employ this bad boy to spice up your sex life or use it in Lagos traffic when people are moving mad. It really just depends on your mood.
3) Ladies get in here
This is the most expensive “lipstick” I have ever seen. For a vibrator, this is very convenient and discrete. In addition, it is rechargeable which makes the price of N9,500 fair enough. It also comes with 10 different speeds of vibration so you can enjoy yourself to the fullest.
4) Living in bondage
Featuring a mask, gag, handcuff, ankle cuff, whip, rope, neck collar, and a cross belt – I can’t tell if this is for law enforcers, armed robbers, or even lovers looking to settle a score with each other in the name of kinky. Anyhow, if you have N9,000 to spare, you too can carry out your first armed robbery operation today.
5) Banana
It beats me why Banana is such a sexualized fruit. In every form, this fruit has been scandalized. If you are looking to literally eat the work of your partner then this edible lubricant is for you. With N6,500 you can eat your “work” and still have it.
6) Sweet-not-in-the-middle
A bra made out candy. Think about it. Just think about it, a sweet source of energy replenishment. You get to take in calories while simultaneously burning it. It’s simply brilliant and for N7,500 you can get all your calorie serving and burn in one place.
1) After saving for a long period of time and you finally check your balance:
2) You on your SafeLock withdrawal day:
3) Invest that gym money in mutual funds today or buy dollars
4) Stay at home
Don’t spend your time and limited funds hanging out with people you don’t even like that much. Stay at home and save your money.
5) The point
In this philosophical exercise, he ponders on the point of all your savings if you don’t chop life from time to time. This is because if you die, your next of kin will aggressively spend your hard-earned money on things like Ponzi schemes or even playing baba ijebu.
6) Choose yourself
You that you are always sending everyone money, who sends you money? From time to time buy yourself something nice. You deserve it.
7) Moving out advice
Once your parents start to complain that you are the one that has hidden harmattan, or that your perfume smells too nice for someone who doesn’t even pay rent. You know this is a sign to start putting money away for your own place because:
8) Amen
Is any Nigerian “advice” complete without a prophecy?
I haven’t seen Sugar Rush yet. I planned to in December when it dropped, but the detty haze of December rocks and 1 or 31 consecutive days of tequila prevented this in 2019.
Then January came and right as I was fixing a date to see it, the Nigerian Film and Video Censors Board (NFVSB), the same guys that allowed Parts 1 – 207 of BlackBerry Babes happen —
…pulled it.
Now depending on who you ask, Sugar Rush either got pulled because its handlers only got temporary approval to publish a trailer, release the movie on December 25th and place it in every cinema in Lagos — ever. While also embarking on a heavily covered publicity tour.
What’s not to believe here?
Then there’s that other story that the movie was pulled because of its depictions of the EFCC as an incompetent organisation. You know, same EFCC that is yet to put out a statement on 2 bullion vans sitting pretty outside a civilian’ s home on election morning.
Hmm. Who to believe here.
Let’s pretend we’re leaning towards the second guys and something as silly as a comedic representation of a government agency, could warrant the removal of a movie from cinemas in 2019 (P.S – we’re in a country where ideally free speech should be a given.)
Here are a number of other productions that should be removed from viewing since we ‘re all looking to move a little mad up in this country:
For daring to question the police’s abilities to carry out frivolous stops and searches.
A song which is more or less a callout of the EFCC, for failing to do its due diligence before carrying out an arrest.
Have your eyes been blessed with this scene yet?
Reputable policemen, not private security. Please dears.
For daring to waste precious police time on a matter as flippant as a stolen heart.
Because, I mean.
If you think about it, this song exposed a sitting governor’s propensity to hit and run a private citizen’s vehicle without any repercussions.
And taking it to international waters…
We think the NFVCB should raise its voice in getting this movie pulled for painting criminals in the worse light. Grown men couldn’t best a 10-year old boy and steal from him? An injustice to thieves everywhere!
Clearly, we’re only fooling around. But join in the fun. What production do you think the NFVCB should pull from airing?
A large majority of young adults do not enjoy what they do for a living. For many people, it is just a means to an end because the alternative can be way worse. In light of this, we decided to give tips for financial liberation from a job that doesn’t give you joy.
1) Count your “steps”
Get a smartwatch and set the daily target to one hundred thousand. This is an incentive to make sure you trek everywhere. Going to work? – trek. On official assignment? – trek. Emergency in the office? – trek. Now you can divert the money saved from transportation towards your exit strategy.
2) Save up on food spending
This is not some generic cook your food-at-home and pack to work advice. We are taking it up a notch, look for the colleague you dislike the most and constantly make their food leave its position. You will be surprised at how much money free food saves you.
3) Conceal your intentions – 48 laws of budgeting
In case no one brings food to your place of work, fret not. Another alternative is to volunteer to take everyone’s lunch order but make sure you don’t return change to anyone. Do the maths – everyday free money.
4) Learn how to disappear
Anytime you are out with your colleagues, make sure you constantly crack them up but always be on the lookout for the bill. When it’s almost time to pay, quietly excuse yourself and relocate to Togo.
5) Start a side hustle
Offer to help your boss make copies of their official documents and start a partnership with the road side food seller. The demand for certificates on the street these days is intense.
6) Sleep in the office
Start by slowly leaving some items over until you successfully relocate all of your property to the office. If anyone challenges you just say Zikoko told you to do so.
7) Don’t spend money on deodorant
Chances are that if you suffocate them enough at work with your eau de naturale, someone will be pressed enough to gift you a whole collection of body soap, cream, perfume, and deodorant. This will save you some of your running costs.
No need to thank us. We exist because of you!
To be a university student is not an easy task. Especially when it is University of Ilorin where you can face Tanke anytime. We came up with a list of things you will perfectly relate to if you are a student or a graduate of University of Ilorin.
It’s a do or die affair.
Dangote’s pikin! Richest boss! Shey make we come collect?
The KFC of engineering students.
Extra rice, mixed with chicken, coleslaw, extra plantain and extra beef if you’re a rich kid. Otherwise just buy your mixed rice and chicken and be going.
You’re not from the Faculty of Law? Too bad.
The fear of “Dress Code” is the beginning of wisdom.
Not today, Satan.
Especially when Education students are involved.
Maybe after I collect my certificate sha.
Lee what? LEEMAO.
Doesn’t it feel like it was only yesterday you were showing the boys your ‘tesumole‘ and ‘galala‘ crossover dance, while taking your first shot of Friday night’s rocks.
Now it’s Monday morning and you’re waking up at 3 AM to surprise traffic that somehow always manages to surprise you.
We feel you and we know how just how badly Monday is kicking your ass. To prove it, here’s exactly how you’re you’re feeling this Monday in Moremi’s Nigeria:
If like most people today, you’re nursing a hangover that has defied every trick in the book you know, you’re probably hating on Kunle who is sitting at his desk, eating crackers a little too loudly for your liking.
We see you Isaac Newton.
Yes, we know you’ve thought this every week since you started working. The answer is no, think happy thoughts instead. Xri bou dah.
Who salary epp? Actually don’t answer that.
Yeah right. Call us when you’re outside 57 on Friday, okay? First shot on us.
*Stops looking at watch 12:30 PM. Waits two hours, time — 12:32 PM.
Your thoughts? 👀
Are you in an abusive relationship with your financial provider? – Do atrocities range from unwarranted debits to dubious card maintenance fees? does it also include sending N5.42k interest every month, to even just generally being unfortunate? – come along as we share the best tips on how to avoid rubbish. 2020 must obey.
1) Violently say no to friends/family members/enemies that beg you to open accounts so they can meet a target
From my experience, this never ends well. If you had to open a compulsory Nysc account you have an idea of what I am talking about.
2) If the bank name contains the letter A, brethren please run
Don’t ask us how we know this. It is known.
3) If they are active on social media, run
The only thing social media handlers know how to do is say: “We are sorry for the inconvenience, we are looking into it.” Sorry for yourself.
4) If they are not active on social media, run
Where do they expect us to lodge our complaints? They are not in touch with young people.
5) If they keep offering you a payday loan/ car loan/ study loan, pls run
On what salary for goodness sake?
6) Red flag – if they organize like a yearly festival or a show or anything outside of the banking activities
They will funnel all your hard-earned naira towards paying for these events.
7) If they don’t organize yearly festivals and shows – throw them away
Where do they expect us to meet young, fun people, and also take dope photos?
8) If one of your parents used the bank during their youth, do we still need to advise you on what to do?
Goodluck complaining to members of staff in a bank that is as old as your parents.
9) See, apart from running from banks, pack your bag and run from this country
In all honesty, this is the only chance of survival and eventually picking a stressless bank because everything here is trying to kill you.
If you are anything like me, January has gone on for 80 days already. I was listening to FireBoy’s album the other day and I thought that some lyrics make a good cry for help. Here are some that resonated with me.
1 From the song Vibration – *”Egba mi, o pari oh”
*Someone save me, it is finished.
This was my reaction while checking my balance throughout December. I kept on asking: “who spent all this money?” Somebody send help!
2) Gbas Gbos from the song Gbas Gbos
Friend: How is your bank account like?
Me: Gbas Gbos. The usual.
3) “We go go America on a midnight train” – From the song What if I say
This is a financial red flag. Firstly, we don’t have a functional railway system in Nigeria. Secondly, we don’t have trains that go to America from here. Thirdly, if you enter midnight train in Nigeria, what you see is what you get.
4) “I am just trying to survive, I just want to win” – From the song Wait and See
This was my motto all through University.
5) *”If I say I should talk, where will I start my story from?” – From the song Energy
*Ti ba ni ki soro, melo ni mo fe so gan.
This is my reaction when people ask me anything about the situation of my finances. Where do I start from exactly?
Too long since the last time you paid your priest a visit? Have something to get off your chest, but no one to tell it to? We’ll take all of it.
101 Confessions is our way of unburdening you from anything you’ve been feeling guilty about and tighting to your chest, and we mean anything. Let us have it.
Anonymous, 29.
Now, before anyone comes for me — I was young, fine as hell and very hot-blooded when what happened … happened. Blame those things, not me.
When I was in 300 Level, I had the most unbelievably gorgeous girlfriend. We had been dating for a while and I swear on anything, I was 100% faithful to her —
… For the first month.
After that, it was wilding out and about.
On the day in question, she drove to my BQ in Computer ( Bayajida), Unilag with one of her friends. She wanted to do one of those terrible, on-the-spot, ‘I miss my boyfriend‘ visits. No warning whatsoever.
Only problem is, at the time, I was in my room consummating a conquest that had taken me two months to achieve.
Thankfully, my boys were seated outside when she came through. A quick text to me and I put my phone on DND.
They convinced her I had just popped out to see a friend off and should be back soon. Taking her to the room adjacent to mine, they entertained her while I finished with my entertainment.
When I was done, I asked my em… friend, to remain in the room while I went to get us ‘food’ for the night. A quick text to my friends telling them I was headed to theirs and I was good.
I entered the room and pretended to be surprised to see her there. After explaining that my phone service had been down for the whole evening, I was able to convince her and her friend to drive us into campus to get dinner on my tab. Oh, the extra pack I bought was in case I got hungry later that night.
After making sure my girlfriend returned to her hostel and texting her a big thank you for coming through, I returned to my room to feed my dinner and eat her out too.
Eventually, my relationship ended.
We’re still cool though and from time to time, we hang out. But I will never, ever confess what happened that evening to her.
So, I was wondering. Everyone I know is broke, tired, and always complaining, yet many people seem to be able to make time for sex or some semblance of sex. Especially people that are in relationships or even married. This made me wonder: what are the financial implications of fornication on your wallet? We asked 5 people for how much it cost them and here is what they had to say:
1) Judge for yourself
2) E for Energy
3) Mad oh!
4) Wow
5) Faithful by force – a best seller
If you are reading this, it’s too late. When will you marry? You are of marriageable age for starters. If you were born in the 90’s, chances are that you were privileged to witness some of the buying power of the naira. That is before the fire nation called recession attacked and our money lost value. Here are some of the things we remember being able to buy in the good old days.
1) Goody Goody Goodness – an all-time yummy favorite
2) Two wise men – Goldspot and Limca
3) Five cones of this N10 ice cream
4) The original actual beef containing N30 gala
5) Books, well, exercise books.
6) Proper Suya – N50 suya was enjoyment central. Chop life king/queen
7) Some of these cool toys
All your life you have struggled with saving money and being financially independent? Every year, you make resolutions to improve but you give up midway and revert to your old ways. If this sounds like you worry no more, we have four not so difficult steps to guide you on the road to monetary freedom.
1. Learn to budget
If there is one thing you should include in your plans this year, it is tracking every single kobo you spend. Every single naira that goes in and out of your wallet should be audited and accounted for. No free money this year(wails in black tax). Anyone that needs money should call three months ahead so they can be included in your budget. Unplanned expenses are the single greatest source of financial disasters. Congregation, can I hear you say no impulse buying this year?
2. There is no passive income!
Any talent you can monetize, this is the year. From cooking to writing, and occasionally sleeping with other people – put a price tag on it! Seriously, think about any skill you currently offer for free and improve on it so you can make it a proper side hustle. One of the ways to achieve financial mobility is to increase your income.
3. Have an incase Nigeria goes to hell funds
If you can afford to (no responsibilities or absence of black tax), you should start to have a rainy day fund. If you earn enough to afford it, you should put away some percentage of your salary as an emergency fund because life is weird. Apart from your savings or investments, this is a good way to prevent unplanned expenses from resetting you back to brokeness land (I have been there and back I can show you vouchers).
4. There is always rice at home
The difference something as little as cooking your own food makes is enormous. Packing food to work can help you track your expenses and see what you spend money on outside of food. Also, learning to say no to the extra demands of owambe will greatly improve your financial outlook. Anything that is not important should be reviewed and immediately removed (Especially that gym subscription. We all know that summer body doesn’t count in heaven).
To make all of this work, a hack is to learn to forgive yourself. If you slip, take it as a bad day, and attack your goals with renewed vigor the next day.
On January 2nd, 2020 after permitting us literally two days of peace in the new year, the US killed Iranian leader and commander – Qassim Soleimani in an airstrike.
His killing occurred in Iran. All the way over there, 5,297km away from Nigeria, so for the most part, we in West Africa felt safe. Trump isn’t giving us visas to his country anyways, we good.
So Nigerians as per usual, laughed at the Twitter memes, dropped a few of our own and said a collective, half-hearted ‘eiyahh’ at the talk of reprisal attacks by the Iranians against Americans. Until this happened:
Girl what?
If like me, you were wondering, why in the world anyone would Nigeria and Nigerian armed forces, you know – these guys
…involved in a matter surrounding the very sophisticated armed forces of the US and Iran.
The FCT protesters were part of the Shiite sect. Iran is an overwhelmingly Shiia country.
The protesters were showing solidarity with their Iranian counterparts and also used the opportunity to speak out for the release of their leader – Ibrahim El Zakzaky who has been in the custody of the Nigerian government, together with his wife, since 2015.
We understand your grouse, and we’ll let you finish, but the relative peace we’re enjoying in Nigeria would be the best thing of all time in 2020.
Growing up, there was a lot of secrecy surrounding money. Our parents spoke about money in vague terms such as: “Grow up, get married, and make money.” No one sat us down to explain how to make money, how to talk about money, or even how to multiply it. So, here we are, all grown, tired, broke, and clueless about how money works. In light of some of this frustration, we compiled some of the restrictions that seem to come up whenever money is discussed.
1. Asking friends how much they earn
See, I am just here wondering who came up with such a rule. You’ll be going to interview for the same role as your friend and you can’t ask them how much they earn because of courtesy. Many times people get underpaid for the same position as their friend all because talking about salary comes off as uncultured. I want to violently throw hands with whoever came up with this idea.
2. The love of money is the root of all evil
This blanket statement sounds like a religious marketing scheme aimed at making already poor Nigerians part with their insufficient income. The stereotype is now furthered by many Nollywood movies that exaggerate the reality of things. As a result, many of us grow up not being able to negotiate better wages or even demand pay commensurate to our skills/talents because we have been conditioned to think that asking for more money is the slippery slope to eventually becoming ritualists.
3. Spending your first salary on yourself
Well, not to sound ungrateful or anything to parents who sacrificed so much while raising us, but, if I give all my first salary to you, how am I supposed to go to work the next month? I know people say that parents return the money and all of that – but in this Daddy Bubu’s economy?- It’s too risky. Let all of us answer our father’s name. Wait, what?
4. Don’t offer people money with your left hand
I sincerely do not understand why this is a thing that exists, but it does. It is mostly seen as a thing of disrespect, especially to older people if you don’t offer them the first salary. I doubt anyone would refuse one million naira if it was offered with the left hand. With the way my bank account is set up right now, I don’t mind being disrespected with some left-handed money.
5. Inspecting the bill at a restaurant
Many people will crucify you for scrutinizing whether the meal you ate matches the bill presented. I don’t know what people have against doing this, but in such a low trust environment where we work hard for every kobo, it’s only fair to confirm.
6. Asking for the price of things
Your friend buys something amazing that you like but because of social conventions, you can’t outrightly ask them for the cost. You either ask them for the vendor’s contact, location, or price range. Why can’t I just outrightly ask: “how much e cost?”
7. Don’t pick money from the floor
Let me just come out and say this: I don’t personally know anyone who turned into a goat from picking money on the ground. Neither do I know anyone who knows anyone that it has happened to. If I see money on the floor right now, I am definitely picking it and declaring clean January for all my guys.
What are some common money taboos that you have experienced? Don’t be a stranger in the comment section.
Sis, it’s only been 8 days!
The book of revelations is a part of the bible I very much like to pretend doesn’t exist. I breathe, live and work in Nigeria and that’s more than enough horror for one person to handle. But if I had to summarise its contents, it’s a lot of doom, gloom, some demons, world wars. Also known as the first few days of 2020.
So let’s see, so far in 2020 we’ve had:
Proving once again climate change is very real and horrendously scary, the Australian fires have scorched millions of acres of land, killed at least 25 people and led to the death of a heartbreaking billion animals.
Thankfully, the wildfires have been quelled and rainfall has been experienced, bringing an end to three years of a drought. It is a truly worrying start to the new year.
On the second day of the New Year, the apocalypse said to me, the US is going to kill an Iranian leader and create a World War Three. News of reprisal attacks by the Iranian government against the US are currently making rounds. Can we please at least experience one public holiday in Nigeria this 2020 before things really start to pop off?
Residents of Puerto Rico couldn’t spend the night in their beds due to a whopping 6.4 magnitude earthquake that rocked the country, early in the morning of January 8th. Again, it’s only been 8 days.
So, we know Jos gets cold in Nigeria, but somebody please explain how it’s January and that state in Nigeria was experiencing weathers colder than London’s on January 2nd? Yes, I know there’s some scientific explanation for it, but still!
Starting the official second week of the year on a truly terrible note, a Ukranian airliner carrying 176 passengers and crew near Tehran on January 8th. At the time of writing this, no in-depth explanation has been given for the crash but it is a truly horrific loss.
2020 has so far been a truly wild ride, but we won’t bet on this marking the start of the Apocalypse. If the devil and his little demons didn’t rain terror on earth during slavery, the Jim Crow era, apartheid, the Holocaust, Hiroshima, the caste oppression in India etc, then we’re probably good. Or bad. It’s hard to decide which.
A lot of Nigerians do not know their genotype and blood group. Therefore, we decided that before you go for lab tests, we should try to guess what your genotype is. We teamed up with a team of international scientists to make this possible for free!
Anxiety is a monster, making you do absurd things sometimes. Or all the time, depending on the size of the monster living in your head. Here are 7 things anyone who’s dealt with anxiety will relate to:
1. Practicing conversations in your head before having them
You also replay those conversations in your head after you’ve had them.
2. Having panic attacks over something that is yet to happen
Triggered!
3. Wanting the ground to open up and swallow you when you have to walk past a group of people
Take me now!
4. Overanalyzing anything and everything people say
And overthink everything too.
5. Cancelling plans to hang out with friends last minute
You’re just not wired to socialise.
6. Assuming strangers are making fun of you when you hear them laugh
Even though it was something else, you swear it’s about you.
7. You’re uncomfortable eating in public for the fear of being judged
Please don’t judge me!
Can you relate? Let us know what other thing(s) anxiety makes you do!
Global smartphone brand, OPPO Mobile Nigeria is setting the pace in smartphone photography with the launch of the “OPPO Redefinition Contest.”
With a fast rising mobile photography culture in the country, the photography contest seeks to find ‘raw’ talents and empower them with cash and OPPO Reno2 smartphones to take their craft to the next level.
All semi-professional and amateur photographers above the age of 18 are allowed to participate. Those under the age of 18 must have written consent from a parent or legal guardian within Nigeria.
To participate, interested contestants are to visit https://differenceinaclick.ng/, register, read the terms & conditions, and submit their entries from previous photographs taken.
Shortlisted finalists would be given the opportunity to capture and redefine everyday moments and activities using the OPPO Reno2 devices.
They would compete, based on their individual photographic strengths, using the six photography modes available in the OPPO Reno2. These are:
The top three participants will go home with the sums of N1 million, N500,000 and N200,000 along with brand new OPPO Reno2 smartphones worth N179,000 each.
Entry submissions close on the 19th of January, 2020.
For more information, follow @opponigeria (Instagram & Facebook) and @oppomobileng (Twitter)
Have you ever wondered why some men get a lot of attention and you don’t? Well, wonder no more. Part of our new year resolution is to ensure that such inconveniences are gone with the old year. Come along as we take you on this life-changing journey. If you add these four items to your wardrobe, you will become unstoppable.
“Show me your watch and I will tell you who you are”
Anonymous 2020
The first item people notice after your perfume is either your watch or your shoes and this is the basis on which they start to form their opinions about you. Therefore, it is important that you get this key part of your dressing right. Depending on your sense of style, you can either go for a leather watch, a chain watch, or a digital watch. If you are greedy like me, you can go for all. The world is your oyster.
A bracelet can be the difference between a boring outfit and one that looks interesting. It is a way to add a sense of mystery to your outfit without doing too much.
Married men in Lagos are shivering at the title of this post. I am not talking about wedding bands here, I mean fashion rings. If properly executed, a ring can be the final ingredient to complete a full course slay.
This isn’t really an accessory but if you must get one thing right to make all the other things come together, let it be your “grabbers”. This is a conversation starter, compliment getter, and all-round sexiness booster.
In a land of dust, and time of ashy skin, the fate of your social clout rests on the type of presents you get your friends…the name: thoughtfulness. Here are five thoughtful gifts to make your friends go: “who send you message?”
Cold Medicine
With all the dust in the air, everyone is either sneezing or coughing. For friends experiencing allergies, you can offer to refill their prescriptions. In addition, you could also get Vitamin C tablets as they are very helpful during this period. They help to boost immunity and prevent breakdowns that are common during this season.
Lotion
If you are a good friend like me, you certainly do not want your friend setting off any bushfire from all that ashy skin. You can go the whole mile; from lip balm, to hand lotion, to body lotion. The goal is to let my people moisturize!
Water Bottle
I do not say this lightly, this the period to drink loads of water…and also mind your business. A whole lot. All that dry weather results in dehydration and you obviously do not want your friends to gas out on you. If you want them to be alive to witness you get married, give birth to little unemployed rascals, then buy them water bottles so they can drink water to their heart content and live long.
Canada-style Clothing
Seriously, what is the difference between Harmattan and Winter? See this as preparing your friends for greatness. This is the chance to gift them something multi-purpose – useful in their interim country (here) and also in their real country(abroad). Thick clothes are vital for surviving the intense cold during this season.
Money
Let us be serious for a minute, money can keep you warm, moisturize you, hydrate you, and even revitalize you. This is the gift to end all gifts. The best part? They won’t see it coming because they have been blindsided by all the Detty December they had to do. No need to thank us, we are here to serve you.
Did we miss any gift? let us know in the comment section.
Everyone has to agree that a lot of Nigerian lecturers belong to one big elite club. This would explain why they have an almost identical modus operandi. What do you have to do to become a part of this club? We have some suggestions.
This is the first stage and probably the most important thing you have to do. See, to do this job, you have to become a god of sorts, and to become one, you have to lose everything that could be an inhibition. Once you work around this, you can have the mind to tell your students that “A belongs to God (i.e you)” but because you are benevolent, they can work towards getting a B, which they probably won’t get anyway.
As a Nigeria lecturer, you must wield every bit of the power you have. One of your favourite things to do has to be scheduling your lecture to early mornings and late evenings. If you can help it, don’t have any your lectures between the hours of 9 AM and 4 PM. Your ideal lecture times should be either 7 AM or 6 PM. And oh, for extra points, have your classes during the weekends sometimes to shake things up and make them more interesting
The number of signatures on your attendance sheets at the end of every lecture is the only valid testament to the fact of how good of a teacher you are. The logic is quite simple, really; if students find your lectures interesting, they will never miss them. However, if the numbers are not up to your liking, you can still have the laugh last. Nothing throws students into a panic the way a ‘tear a sheet of paper’ command does. Should you care about how they feel, though? No! Absolutely not!
Remember the notes your lecturer gave you about 15 years ago? Yes, that should be your material now that you are a lecturer too. Forget all that might have changed in these years, pass the exact knowledge that was passed to you.
You have to believe that technology will make your students lazier than they already are. Ensure that everything they do while taking your course is done manually. Your knowledge of technology shouldn’t go deeper than how to useWhatsApp; everything after that is not essential.
So, I’m about to Charles Anazado you. Can you tell me ‘good morning’ in Hungarian?
Hmm. Ah wait. There are like three ways to say this thing. Let me think.
Dun do this to Charles, I’ll make a Twitter thread!
Haha. I said wait now! So there’s ‘jó napot’ which is like saying ‘good day’. Then there’s ‘jo reggelt’ which is the proper ‘good morning’ and then ‘szia’ which is just a casual ‘hi’. I use szia the most here.
You try! Okay let me let you show off a little. Can you say ‘good morning’ in your native Nigerian tongue’?
Oh easy. That’s ‘ma vo’ in Urhobo.
Like my real people, the Quebecer of Canada would say, c’est magnifique! Now, how does a Nigerian find herself all the way in Hungary?
Thank you oh! That’s how they ask questions. Have you ever heard of AISEC?
I may or may not have joined my third year in uni and dodged all meetings after.
You what? Okay, listen first. About two years ago, I was fresh out of NYSC and stuck in a job that felt like, how do people say it? Hell!
Ha.
No, for real. It was so bad, I just wanted to move and change countries. Like japa-ing just came and built four duplexes in my mind. Back then I thought if you weren’t travelling for school or if you weren’t truly exceptional and an international company wanted you, there was no chance to leave. A masters was out of it for me, there was no company calling, it was just me and Lagos traffic looking at each other like. Then my brother called me one day.
Give us this tea!
So my brother had always been active in AISEC, he was a Vice-President of something, I can’t quite remember it now, but it gave him access to certain opportunities the organisation had. He told me about an internship opportunity in Hungary with one of the companies AISEC is partnered with. After the internship program, they’d provide you with a job. See, after that, if you had told me ‘good morning’, I’d have said “thank you, it’s also a good morning in my country Hungary right now.”
How now! So how crazy was the visa process?
See, nothing can be too crazy when you know at the end of the tunnel, you’ll be avoiding Sandfill traffic for good. But particularly, getting the Hungarian passport wasn’t too stressful two years ago. When you successfully apply, AISEC sends you an email detailing the process to get the visa. I remember at that time, the application made it out to be that AISEC was like this mandatory IT program you had to go through to graduate, so that really helped in hastening the process. Then there were some documents yo needed to get from your university to corroborate this, but see — all of that isn’t really relevant now because in 2019, that visa gate? They’ve used leg to close it small.
Say whet?
Hungarian immigration policies just became stricter around the time I moved. Even for people just coming in for school. I tried helping three people come in over the past year and let’s just say 2 ended in tears and one just did not work out. It’s a madness.
Uh-oh
But if you do find a way to come in through AISEC, it’s really helpful. Companies here need interns because they’re cheaper than full-time employees and they do the same work for less. There’s no worry about —
Wow, I hate slavery. Same work for less?
Well, if you’re looking for one of the easiest ways to come into the country and to become absorbed in its workforce, that’s it oh.
Hmm. Speaking of working, how does working in Budapest compare to working in Lagos?
We’re talking country, you’re bringing Lagos inside this matter!
Look, Budapest has THE BEST work commute/ transport system I have ever experienced in my whole life. Like I am one of those people that is perpetually late, it’s like a curse.
We outchea!
Correct! So, to get to work, I need to take like two means of transportation. Like a bus and a tram, so while it’s not exactly a big distance, it is a distance. I can leave my house at say 8:30 AM, looking to get to work for 9:00 AM, and I promise you, I’ll still have like five minutes to spare.
*Stares at Ikeja Bus Terminal. Ikeja Bus Terminal stares back*
Haha. Like the timing of everything is so efficient. My dad has lived in the UK for about ten years, even he had to speak on the efficiency. Budapest has a 24-hour working transport system. Like there is no time of the day for you to be a stranded babe. Some transport system will be working. Like it’s so crazy how much thought they put into it like a bus can drop you somewhere, and to spare you the hassle of having to walk to the next bus station, there is a tram on the ready just waiting to take you there. The best part? The majority of their transport system is electric, the buses, trams, trolleys, it’s crazy.
Diz tew much!
During my orientation week at work, the supervisors were complaining about traffic in the city. In my mind, I was just thinking, you merely adopted the five-minute traffic, I was born into the third mainland traffic. But if I had to say something else about working in Budapest, it’s that hmm — the pay?… Not too, too great.
And I oop. People googling ‘how to join AISEC’ just froze rai now.
Haha. Okay, let me explain. Hungary is in Europe right? But its currency is the Hungarian Forint (HUF). To get an idea of the exchange rate, just know ₦30,000 is like 25,000 HUF. A high portion of the country lives on less than €20,000 a year. But while you might think that’s not a lot of money, with the exchange rate, it earns you a decent living in Budapest. Let me give you a little example.
Let’s hear it.
So from my salary, I can do a bunch of things, I can’t do many things, but we’re pushing it. I can pay my rent. I can you know, shop in Fashion Nova. I can send money back home. You know savings are a little shaky, but there’s money left over for extras. Like take my phone for example.
Okay, we see you iPhone Ten Xmas!
Haha. But you see this phone, funny story behind it. So when I first moved to Budapest, I didn’t have a phone for like the first 4 months because of something weird here. Infinix phones do not work in Budapest! They just don’t! When I came here, I found out my phone just did not work with my Hungarian sim card. Me that I was already happy to leave +234 gang on WhatsApp. It only worked when it was connected to wi-fi at home, it took me a little while to figure out the phone maker was the issue. Anyway, after four months of steady pay, I was able to change my phone and a little while after, I could change it again, so there’s that.
Got it! Now speaking of rent, how expensive is it living in Budapest?
I’ll be honest. Accommodation here favours the Hungarians. If you’re an immigrant or a foreigner, there’s a chance you’ll be scammed just a smidge. So if you’re looking for accommodation and you have a friend/work colleague who speaks the language, best to go with them. It was why I had to switch accommodation after my first couple of months there. My landlord, who I thought had you know, small conscience, brought like the most ridiculous electricity bill for myself and my other two flatmates. Like 100,000 HUF in an apartment that was supposed to cost 300 HUF monthly, as an all-inclusive rent. I left after the second month he brought that kind of bill. I don’t play with demons.
Facts, facts. So off the top of your head, what are three things that make Budapest a great place to live?
Well let’s see.
Haha. Oh no!
Then two, well I’ve already talked about the traffic. Three has to be how many nationalities you can run into in this country. Because there are so many multinational companies in Hungary, you can find Nigerians, Brazilians, Camerounians, Mexicans, just all the cans walking by you on the street. And just for good measure, let me just drop the transport system again, it’s that good. Oh and so many tourist attractions, it is insane.
Buhari is shaking. Tell us three not so nice things about living in Hungary so he feels good about the jollof rice at home.
The language barrier! Hungary isn’t my final real country so I haven’t bothered learning the language, and it is the absolute ghetto. I have to pay extra attention in buses that don’t translate instructions in English, communicating with people is hard, but because I don’t particularly need it in my everyday life, my job has a number of English speakers, we’re just pushing it. Then there’s the weather. It doesn’t match up to Canada, those people ar eliving in the ice age and they don’t even know, but it gets pretty cold, like -6° on some days. But that’s where any bad stops oh. Great place, 8/10 would recommend.
So imagine this, I’m a Nigerian bragging to you about the one thing we have going for us – jollof rice. What is the Hungarian equivalent and does it match up?
Hmm. I don’t know how to say this without sounding somehow… Let me just say it. Hungarians cook like… Well, their food tastes as if… The thing is, Hungarians cook as somebody always mistakenly pours half the salt container inside the food, every time!
Haha. What in the world?
No seriously. One time I felt like I was just going to die and I’d have had to explain in heaven that it was a lack of spicy food that killed me.
I.AM.DECEASED. Okay, last question. If you could tell Nigeria one thing now, what would it be?
I don’t mean to sound ridiculous. I could see a flag, I wouldn’t know what that is. Sorry to that country.
Somebody please hide this interview from GMB!
Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
Being an unofficial ambassador for African hair can be quite appealing, especially when you wow people with your kinky afro and cute hairstyles.
But everything has a downside to it, and the struggle and pain associated with maintaining natural hair is something you wish you didn’t have to deal with.
Here are 10 struggles you’ll relate with if you’re a naturalista:
Haircare day is always torture for because you know you can’t just pat your hair and be going like you’ve been doing for a couple of weeks.
So you wield that brush like a battle-ax and prepare yourself to cry while combing, which will leave your scalp feeling raw because of how coarse your hair is. And to make matters worse, your hair cuts too!
If only they knew how expensive it is to maintain your natural hair. You had a few hair products when your hair was relaxed, but now you have a truckload and you keep buying more.
The general agreement is that you look unkempt when you wear your hair naturally, so they never stop asking when you’re gonna have your hair done.
Who is this person that thinks you’re a puppy that loves being stroked by everybody without your consent?
You were deluded enough to think you’ll have an afro as big as Erykah Badu’s…
…alas, that’s not the case because hair shrinkage is a real struggle for you.
Even if you pour a barrel of oil and moisturizer on your hair, it refuses to shine. Let’s not forget how yucky it feels when the oil starts dripping onto your face.
Because you’re just tired of the whole naturalista thing sef.
You used to pop into any salon before your naturalista days, but now you can’t because the hairstylists in most of the salons don’t know how to give your natural hair the TLC it needs.
You end up going back home with ruined edges and a sore head if you choose the wrong hairstylist.
You didn’t even know this was a thing until you went natural, and now it’s all so confusing. Err, you’re not sure if your hair is a type 4a, 4b or 4c, you just know its natural.
There are so many natural hairstyles out there you don’t know which one to choose. You eventually end up packing it in a bun and maybe tie a scarf to make it look cute.
Social media is a crazy street where everyone gets to showcase their talent and trigger their imaginations in the best (or worst) way possible while garnering followers. Sometimes this leads to new and useful innovations, other times it gets one asking WTF?
Some of these WTF moments involve slangs and phrases no one understands, we don’t even know where most originated from. Here’s a list of slang we think should die off at the end of the year:
This is supposed to depict exclamation, shock or laughter but have you ever tried saying this phrase in front of a Nigerian parent? Die you shall, after they’ve beaten negative confessions (that will take you to an early grave) out of you.
You probably got tired of seeing this South African phrase on Twitter this year. Visiting the app was such a chore when this started trending, especially when it wouldn’t stop!
I wouldn’t even call this a trend, it was a movement and I loved it because it encouraged people to speak their truth and have good mental health by doing so. But truth be told, it got old really fast, especially when Nigerians joined the bandwagon to say what was eating at them. You know we love to do things EXTRA
Everybody used this as an excuse to spew rubbish on their timeline. Can I just say that nobody asked for your opinion so why are you giving it? Please let this culture die in 2019 abeg.
This phrase took over on Twitter when o je wa eng went on a midterm break. At a point, it seemed like everyone was clamouring to say what was bothering them.
At first, I thought this was a bad spelling of stand until I realized it was a thing. Alas, using this word was a way to pay your respects to anybody/anything you loved on social media.
The word stanning brings to mind Stannis Baratheon, and we all know how mad that man became under the control of the Red Priestess. Enuff said I reserve my comments.
Yet another phrase intended to express respect or amazement, but why couldn’t it have been something more positive like rich o.
Why do we love craziness on this side of the world? Must have been the reason why Kolomental was such a hit years ago.
This phrase looks like it was inspired by a cat, just think of it for a minute. At the same time though, it seems like it’s pronounced as moi-moi. I’m not even going to address the first word because what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who comes up with these things sef?
Why is this such a thing? I have no idea, everyone is going with the flow. Some people add ‘skrr’ to theirs, which reminds of Cardi’s okuuurr. Meanwhile, some people add more salt and pepper, so it becomes ‘okoto meow kututu meow skrr.’ Meaning? Rubbish talk.
Okay, I’ve gotten tired of seeing this, can it just die already? This phrase is often used to show dissatisfaction with one’s circumstances, especially when they see something better.
But did y’all notice that most of the ‘god whening’ comments are usually made under posts of couples and cute babies? And new houses, and new offices? Okay, I agree, it’s EVERYWHERE.
Did I leave any social media phrase out? Let me know in the comments.
Arguably, football takes prominence in the Nigerian sports scene. The love runs so deep, and it has been like that for decades. To maximise the experience, Nigerians have turned to the glamorous viewing centres that have become hugely popular in recent years. These centres are made up of colourful people and here is a list of six groups of people you will likely meet in one of these hubs of entertainment:
These people are everything but plastic fans. Everything they do ooze their love for the clubs they support. You will find them at the centre clad in their club’s jersey 30 minutes before kick-off, sitting comfortably in a vantage point. They don’t like to miss any moment.
These are the football equivalent of ITKs. They think they know more than the managers who are actually getting paid for running the show and selecting the teams and tactics. They get off on criticising the manager’s decision and generally think they can do a better job.
You will find these people with rolls of bet tickets, nervous and anxious. The only reasons they come to watch these matches is to keep track of the matches on their bet slips. As a result, they hardly enjoy these matches as all of their thoughts are on the teams on their betslips, thinking about the stakes and praying for these teams to come through for them. They hardly leave the viewing centre feeling happy.
These people have been following the game for many years and have gained a lot of football knowledge and enough confidence to let people know how deep the knowledge runs. They also fact-check everything everyone says in the viewing centre. They would be the cool people if they didn’t like to talk so much.
To these people, football is all fun and games; they hardly take it seriously. They come to the viewing centre to have as many laughs as they can, to the chagrin of fans of the losing team. They make jokes at their expense and have a swell time teasing the fans of the losing team about how inept their players and managers are.
These people have little joy, and the little they have will fly out of the window the moment it’s confirmed that the team they are supporting will take the L. No thanks to the banter aimed at them, they become insufferable and gawk at everyone, daring them to make more jokes or laugh in their faces.
Looking like your parents isn’t a big deal for you, especially if you really don’t see it. So while everyone else scrambles above themselves to compare every habit and utterance of yours to your parents’ you just want them to get over it.
On the other hand, it can be fun and you get a kick over people’s reaction to your resemblance, particularly when it dawns on you that some members of your family can’t tell you (or your voice) apart from your mother or father.
Here are some of the things you will relate to if you look like your parent:
People will call you by their name more times than you can count and look shocked when it turns out to be you.
This is a statement you encounter at least once a month and have gotten tired of hearing.
They probably thought you were exaggerating your likeness and rolled their eyes before making that expected statement, “Everyone looks like their parents joor.”
Wait until they see how much you look like yours.
This is where they ask if you are siblings or twins. No oh, we are triplets.
It’s hard for people to come to terms with the fact that you had no say in the matter of your looks–it’s just genes people.
Even their pose in it is a direct copy of your favorite pose.
Self-proclaimed experts will use your parents as a reference on how you’ll look when you get older. Like you didn’t know that already.
Surely, you must all be mirror images of your parents if you look the way you do.
So, you woke up knowing something is wrong with your body. You made your way to your mother, but the first thing she will likely ask is if you’re doing that to get out of going to school. Of course, before she can take you seriously, you have to convince them beyond a reasonable doubt that you’re really sick. You have to develop a temperature, and if you want premium attention, you need to vomit.
Now that your mother is convinced that her child is about to die, the first line of action is to turn into a spiritual leader and pray against all the weapons of darkness that have decided to mess with her family. A bottle of anointing oil will play an integral role in this.
After that is done and over with, she will feel your forehead and declare that you have malaria and the drug you need is paracetamol. Until new symptoms come up, forget about going to the hospital; she will be the doctor and pharmacist.
In all the chaos and confusion that is brewing, your dad will be the chilliest. It doesn’t matter the number of symptoms you exhibit; he simply won’t get the fuss. You can’t blame him though; he has more things to worry about.
Your sickness means that your bit of house chores would be reassigned to your siblings and they will hate you for it.
As weird as this may sound, being down with an illness might be one of the best things that could happen to you as a child in a Nigerian home. You get all the care and love from your parents you didn’t think they could give. It would be a bad idea to get comfortable, though, because the longest this streak can last for is a few days. After that, you are expected to resume your normal routine.
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a Friday series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
Earlier in the year, Ghanaian star, Darkovibes soared on BOJ’s criminally underrated banger, “Awolowo”. Then, he teamed up with Runtown for the solid “Mike Tyson”. Now, he’s enlisted Mr Eazi for his latest single, “Come My Way”
Produced by KillBeatz — the Ghanaian beatsmith behind some of R2Bees’ biggest hits — “Come My Way” is an instantly infectious banger that finds both stars giving an open invitation to women that are stuck in unsatisfying relationships.
As for Mr Eazi, who has been a faultless addition to just about every song he’s been featured on this year, he continues his winning streak with a killer hook. With “Come My Way”, Darkovibes certainly rounds up 2019 in grand style.
Christmas as an adult is less fun than as a kid. Although the emotions are similar, every adult knows that the difference is they are responsible for how everything turns out to be.
This makes Christmas a daunting season for many because of the expectations and family drama associated with it. Furthermore, while a child always expects to receive gifts at this time an adult is required to give instead. Here are some things that make Christmas a different experience altogether:
Being a child comes with the assurance that Christmas dishes will always be available because someone provides them. Now, however, you’re not so sure if you’ll be able to have the good old Christmas rice and chicken available on the D-day, so you’re working double-time to ensure that you don’t end up drinking only water on Christmas day.
When you were a kid it was all about wearing new clothes and having your hair done for Christmas so you could attend your friend’s party, you also had to present at your school’s Christmas carol, church carol and drama presentations.
Nowadays though, things have changed for you, now you have to think about the monetary aspects of these. The number of church groups you’re in determines the monetary contributions you’ll make, there are concert tickets to think of, you also need to buy drink vouchers at that ticket-free event. And let’s not forget the family reunion that has you buying more clothes, shoes, and foodstuff than you need
Let’s be honest, all you were really bothered about when you were younger was if you were gonna get that video game you really wanted or if your mother would let you go on the slide and bouncy castle while you eat cotton candy. Christmas clothes were the last things on your mind because you knew you’d always have something new to wear.
But now you have grown and you have to buy all those stuff yourself. And it’s more than usual because there are even more places that require your presence. Some are themed parties that require specific clothes you’ll never wear again after the event.
Remember those times you anticipated visits from your aunts and uncles because of the presents you’d receive? Haha, now you are the aunt/uncle and you have to buy presents for those cute babies your siblings and cousins wouldn’t stop birthing. Think of when you have your own kids too–no excuses then either.
Travelling is no longer an excuse for an excursion, you don’t even get excited by the sights. You’ve been disillusioned by adulthood so much you only see potholes and experience road rage.
You also think of the double fees you are gonna have to cough up for that flight ticket because you know everything gets more expensive during Christmas (why do merchants complain of being broke in January too?).
As a child, it was guaranteed that you only had to give your friends, parents, and siblings gifts but now you have to think about a whole village when buying presents.
Not only will you be visiting the orphanage, giving to the less privileged, giving your family and giving church donations, you will also be giving your boss and colleagues Christmas presents, even those you hate and no, nobody appreciates handcrafted gifts anymore, please.
Because you know how they will look at you if you don’t throw an office party and you don’t give them their bags of rice and bonuses.
They don’t want to hear about how prices of things have skyrocketed during Buhari’s tenure, just give them their groundnut oil abeg.
Attending family events as a kid was such fun because you got to run around and play, eat lots of food, get many presents and attention from your older relations.
However, the adult version can be horrific, because this is a time you have to show what you’ve been doing all year and you don’t want your IJGB cousin stealing away your spotlight. You also don’t want that other cousin who couldn’t look you in the eyes a few years ago monopolizing the conversation now that he has a chieftaincy title.
Being the last child in a family comes with its perks and frustrations. And it also comes with a lot of condescending statements from people who try to define the life of the last child even though they have no idea how it is.
Here are some of the things every last born in the family has heard more times than they can count and they are sick of hearing:
From your baby crib to your last phone and even your university admission
You’re likely to hear that they were smarter and better behaved than you. A teacher would surely say, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?’
Even when you turn 70 and have grandkids, your older relations will always regard you as the baby of the house.
The belief that you’re always needy and subservient to your siblings, financially, is so inherent in Nigeria it’s a wonder that last borns are yet to hold a mass protest against it.
This usually happens in families where there’s a huge age gap between siblings. Everyone feels they know more about your life than you because they’ve lived longer.
And then you’re considered weak and soft because of this.
Every last child heard this statement at least once in their life when they were a kid.
Because you have nothing better to do with your life than to be a tattletale and all you really care about is becoming a monitoring spirit.
This is the ‘get out of jail free’ card that society has given to you. It excuses all your wrongdoings in their eyes.
It’s the festive period and you want to have as much fun as you can handle. That pepper dem song should have had your name on it but no worries, you plan to create a new song for yourself while you’re having a lit December.
But the only blip on your radar at the moment is limited funds, truth is your income is not as big as your spending goals. So you’re thinking of the best way to manage your funds and still have the best time of your life. Well, we’ve got some tips for you:
There are so many events that will clamour for your attention this month, from concerts to mini get-together’s, festivals, office parties, family hangouts and so much more.
The key to getting the best experience is to know which one would be the most fun for you to attend, as well as being cost-effective. This is where the scale of preference you learned in secondary school comes in, choose wisely. Do you really want to go to yet another dinner and award when you could be rocking it at a concert with your favourite artistes? That’s up to you to decide.
Early birds get the best worm. You don’t want to be biting your finger in regret when you hear that you could have gotten a ticket at 50% off if only you had bought it the week it came out. Don’t let your procrastination have you coughing up more funds than you can afford.
This is a smart move if you’re on the precipice of being broke. Aside from the fact that you get to hang out with people you love, you also get comfortable fessing up to your homies that sharing the bills is the best thing for you at the moment. So, carpool, share a meal, buy group tickets, do group funding. This way, you won’t end up broke AF in January.
Instead of lying in your bed wondering why brokeness has made you this way host a party at home and invite your friends. This will reduce the cost of a venue and you can tell everyone to chip in with their option of snacks, foods, and drinks if those are limited too.
Don’t forget to get a boom box blasting with your favorite songs and encourage your friends to bring someone new to the fold, you just might meet a new bestie this way.
So you want to buy new clothes at the boutique but do you remember that fab outfit you bought months ago which you refused to wear because the moment wasn’t right? Now is the time to wear it.
You could also get new accessories to go with those cute jeans and tee that haven’t seen sunlight in eons.
This is one way to have fun if carnivals are up your alley. Find out what’s going on in your area, which artiste will be performing and what date and time the carnival will kick-off. You might want to check up on the security levels and go with trusted friends if you choose to attend.
Have backup cash that remains untouched, come hell or high waters. You can party to your heart’s content when you know that you’ll still have something left to survive on afterward.
Imagine what fun it’ll be for you grinning like a Cheshire cat when everyone complains of how broke they are in January and you can say with your chest that you took a wise move during the holidays and saved up something for later.
The faster the days go, the closer Christmas gets. And while everyone is stoked about how dirty their Decembers will be, we are sort of anxious about our favorite part (and in our opinion, the most important part) — getting Christmas gifts. I mean, who doesn’t love a good Christmas gift?
One of the best things about not giving up during a hectic year is the chance to put your feet up and get rewarded for your tolerance (man what a hard year it’s been), especially when they come from brands you’ve been faithful to. I mean, you didn’t patronise them for nothing, did you?
As exciting as gift giving is, some people give the weirdest gifts. By weird, we mean, gifts that aren’t quite thought out. We asked a few friends what some of the weirdest gifts they’ve received from brands during Christmas, and here’s what we got.
This one we found quite hilarious. Because air conditioners and electric fans are no longer enough, one bright chap sitting behind a desk got a eureka moment and decided to bless his loyal customers with plastic hand fans. In this age of portable battery-powered fans who does that? Not only are hand fans archaic, you probably already have a lot of them at home. What makes it worse is that the heat in Nigeria is crazy.
Why do companies think giving out notebooks is the next best thing? If it isn’t fancy and customised with your name and photo on it, then no, thank you. We really do not fancy the idea of becoming unofficial brand ambassadors for said companies by brandishing their logo every time we want to jot down something.
These always come in itchy fabric and unflattering sizes that leave one looking plain. And in a typical fashion, they lose colour after one wash.
This would have been nice if every brand didn’t do it at one point. Give me a concert ticket and I would choose it over airtime, at any time.
These usually come in the brightest colours with a scratchy quality that is water-resistant, doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to. For some reason, the companies that gift this item think nobody has face towels and they are the first to gift it. Sometimes, the face towel ends up being used as a dishrag, if used at all.
We thought we had heard it all until someone said they’d been given a football once and no, it was not signed by say Lionel Messi, neither was it previously owned by the G.O.A.T of the year. Why would anyone think that gifting a football was an awesome generic present? Beats me.
Who irons these days when there are dry cleaners that can take the stress and heat off your hands? Is there even light for you to use the iron? So many brands have given irons that they’re all gathering dust and rusting away somewhere in your wardrobe.
Wouldn’t it be better if these companies could just consider our feelings and needs by asking us what we wanted for Christmas instead? That would be a lot better, right? That’s why TECNO has gone a step ahead to make your wish their command.
Starting from December 4 to 20, 2019, TECNO will be fulfilling the Christmas wishes of Nigerians in its Christmas campaign themed “TECNO Gratitude Xmas”. Just upload a post on social media featuring your family-related Christmas wishes, tag TECNO’s social media pages and you just might get your wish fulfilled at the end of the week. Isn’t that wonderful? We cannot keep calm.
So the month you’ve been looking forward to the whole year is finally here and you get to enjoy every minute of it. Eating, sleeping and partying with no excuses or the disturbance of an alarm because it’s the festive season.
But if you live in Lagos with no plans of going anywhere else for the holidays you know that your stress level will increase, and you’ve probably been wondering how to make the best of Christmas in the city before the countdown to December 2020 begins. Here are some tips of places to avoid if you don’t like stress:
They are usually packed with lots of people whose ultimate goal is to make it a substitute for Dubai. These people have no intention whatsoever to visit any store or buy anything at all, it’s just a photo-op for them.
They move in packs and are sure to frustrate your life when you choose to go grocery shopping.
Try to get all your shopping done in November, or maybe October, because navigating the streets and madness of Lagos markets at Christmas time can twist you into a pretzel and have you tearing your hair.
Avoid places like Balogun market, Yaba market, and the almighty Oshodi market, etc if you like yourself. Asides from prizes spiking up you’ll be sure to experience the frenzy and shoving of other Christmas shoppers.
Oh gosh, thinking of the insects; people who don’t know what a trash can is for, people who walk on the grass instead of the pavement, the wailing kids, the loudspeakers blasting different songs and the crowd of people taking pictures at every turn like they are at Disney land is stressful enough.
What with Hollywood and even Nollywood movies premiering in December, A LOT of people decide that taking their family– nuclear and extended– to the cinema for the holidays is the cutest thing ever.
So you might want to stock up on home videos and Netflix subscription if you want to avoid all the crazies, whom you’ll be sure to encounter at the cinemas.
For some reason, Lagosians think that going to the beach is the coolest thing to do during the holidays. So if you’re thinking of doing so yourself just know that about 15 million other Lagosians are too.
The beach is gonna be parked af. Think of the sweat, pee water (yuck) and inappropriate clothing that is an eyesore (how will someone wear agbada to the beach nitori olorun?)
Shucks, I’m pretty sure every 90s child in Nigeria experienced this at one time or the other especially when Mr. Biggs, Big Treat, and Mama Cass were the bomb.
It’s guaranteed that most people on a low budget are gonna be turning up at existing eateries trying to show themselves. Best advice? Leave them be.
Hehehe. I know, I know. Who doesn’t love a good concert? But not when you get sandwiched between two louts who didn’t bother to use deodorant or when standing gets tiring because the main artiste has kept everyone waiting for 3 HOURS (y’ all should learn from Cardi B though).
Let’s not forget trying to find the right parking space or praying that your 100th attempt at booking an Uber ride works because it seems like everyone decides to hail one at the very moment you choose to leave.
Traveling out of Lagos after December 18 is probably the worst thing ever. News flash: everyone else is too! Most people will be scrambling to get out of the city so fast you’ll wonder why they even stay here in the first place.
Meanwhile, something worth an honorable mention is the numerous church camps and revivals that happen during the early part of December. You know the ones, those ones that have everyone moving out on Fridays, leading to a frustrating gridlock that will have you weeping and swearing if the heat and noise don’t kill you first.
80 days, 14 countries, 19,000 miles, 36 passport stamps, a truckload of Jollof rice and newfound knowledge sums up the Jollof Road experience.
With no idea of what they were getting themselves into, five gutsy people set out on the trippiest trip of their lives in September 2019.
As it all comes to an end, we look back on our experiences, from posing with snakes to finding friends in the strangest of places.
1. Visited the largest West African open-air market in Benin
We plunged ourselves into the Cotonou experience with a visit to
2. Learnt the difference between Voodoo and Witchcraft in Togo
Although voodoo and witchcraft are used interchangeably, they’re not the same. While voodoo is a religion, witchcraft is what you see in nollywood films.
3. Partied with strangers in Ghana
What’s better than free food + booze + good music? Absolutely nothing. A lovely Ghanaian hosted a Nigerian Independence day party to welcome us. Shoutout to you, Sharifah!
4. Discovered Jesus’ 13th disciple in Ivory Coast
We visited The Basilica of Our Lady of Peace while in Yamoussoukro and learnt that on a stained glass window, Félix Houphouët-Boigny – the first Ivorian president, had himself painted at the feet of Jesus.
5. Met the coolest surfer kids in Liberia
They are dreamers who want to put Robertsport, their town, on the map through their amazing surf skills.
6. Tried some Jollof-looking Fried Rice in Sierra Leone
Sierra leoneans make a different kind of Fried Rice. The kind that looks exactly like Jollof rice, but the difference is in the taste. We were literally transported to heaven after one fork in.
7. Got sick in Guinea
After 38 days of being adventurous with food, our T cells couldn’t handle it anymore, so we got sick and had to be admitted in a hospital.
8. To get to Guinea Bissau, our bus was ferried across a river
If only you saw the shock in our faces when we were told that we had to be ferried across a river in order to get into Guinea Bissau.
9. Made new crawly friends at the Kachally Crocodile Pond in the Gambia
Imagine Toke pretending to not be frightened!
10. Visited Saint-Louis in Senegal, the birthplace of Jollof Rice
Jollof Road would be incomplete if we didn’t try Senegalese Jollof Rice. And oh my goodness! It’s the best tasting Jollof in the world, hands down! If you need a masterclass on the history of Jollof Rice, head over to Zikoko to get schooled.
11. Sailed down the River Niger in Mali
We took an idyllic sail down the river alongside our lovely host, Issam.
12. Bought souvenirs at the artisanal market in Burkina Faso
We planned to spend one hour at the market but ended up spending three because there was so much fabric art, woodwork and paintings to see.
13. Got a strong sense of deja vu in Niger
Niger felt all too familiar. It reminded us of Northern Nigeria.
In between working or studying and whatever you do to make ends meet, taking a break is super important. When you combine fun and relaxation, what you get is a great party — the break everyone needs.
Do you know what made 2019 relaxing and fun for us? Attending some of the best parties hosted by Johnnie Walker. You might think, “It’s just a party, what’s the big deal?” But it’s never just a party — certainly not when Johnnie Walker is involved. Let’s give you a quick example of what we’re talking about, so you have a good idea and know not to ever miss a JW party we invite you to.
Short answer? Got Our Groove On With Johnnie Walker At Capital Block Party.
Who doesn’t love a good turn up? Nobody. Not us at least. That’s why we not only got our groove back, but we got it on with Johnnie Walker at Capital Block Party. It was a lot of fun if you ask me. From quality Johnnie Walker cocktails to music performed by our faves, we couldn’t get enough.
Capital Block Party held at the BMT Gardens in Abuja and was sponsored by Johnnie Walker. Here’s a quick recap:
I think the most interesting part of this party outside of the great vibe, cocktails, and music, was the dance-off between Lagos party lovers and Abuja party lovers. Everyone knows how Lagos and Abuja people like to bicker at each other when it comes to everything and anything, so, Johnnie Walker decided to put this to test in the party context — “Who parties better, Lagos or Abuja?”
To bring this argument to life, Johnnie Walker treated 10 Lagosians to a trip of a lifetime by flying them in to party with the Abuja crew.
Turns out at the end of the day that it didn’t matter. Regardless of the location, a Johnnie Walker party is always lit irrespective of where the people partying are from. You heard?
You know how the NYSC anthem goes “under the sun and in the rain”? Well, this Johnnie Walker party was ultimate proof that Nigerians know how to get it down despite the weather. The turnout was mad. Get this: NO ONE CARED THAT IT WAS RAINING. We were having so much fun, it didn’t matter. Over 1500 guests just having the time of their life in a party is a total vibe that we are here for.
Once you have a Johnnie Walker cocktail, there’s no turning back. Johnnie Walker showed us they meant business with the affordable yet quality cocktails.
We couldn’t get enough; I mean who could ever say no to sweet and spunky drinks especially when they look so good? Certainly not us.
It was the perfect blend of artistes giving us the best sounds to show off our dancing skills: From Falz to Small Doctor to DRB, Ajebutter, and so much more, we were star struck.
Apart from having Bollylomo as the electrifying host of the party, there were some amazing new musical acts that we got introduced to. Johnnie Walker doesn’t only have good cocktail taste, they have good music taste. We stan.
In the middle of all the fun, games and dancing, a dance competition began. It was spearheaded by Poco Lee and Picture Kodak representing the Lagos crew against some of Abuja’s best dancers. There was zanku, splitting, shoki and every dance you can mention.
There’s no stopping Johnnie Walker. Looking for what to add to your Detty December list? Then get early tickets to the Island Block Party–Festival of Lights, headlined by Major Lazer and sponsored by Johnnie Walker. Visit www.mainlandblockparty.com to get your tickets and keep December 15 blocked on your calendar. Don’t say we didn’t do anything for you.
