I enrolled for my National Identity Card in 2017 at a registration centre in Ibadan. It’s 2020, and I’m still waiting for the call that may never come. Sometime in 2018, I registered for my Voter’s Card, but for some reason, I got that one. It’s somewhat curious, but I will take the win.

I digress.

As a Nigerian, you’re quick to realise that everything is a struggle, especially when the government is involved. It’s hilarious that you have to submit yourself physically to a venue to enrol or register for the littlest things. But where it begins to get real is when you realise that you won’t just waltz in and out; you will have to brace yourself for a day characterised with pushing and shoving, verbal abuse, and more. Ugh, the ghetto.

This can be quite an ordeal, but with these hacks, you might just have it easy, by Nigerian standards, anyway. Not to get ahead of myself, but you’re welcome.

Leave your house early

As a Nigerian, there are only three times when you should leave your house early for anything; your interview with an embassy, the day you’re supposed to catch your flight … and any day you plan to register for anything managed by the Government. You have to be at an enrolment/registration centre, and unfortunately, so do hundreds of people. Are you even taking this thing seriously if you leave your house at 6 A.M?

Find who is in charge

No matter how early you get to the venue, there will be a mammoth crowd before you. Now, you could join the line and wait your turn like the good Nigerian you are, or you could do yourself a lot of good and find the people that are running shit. If you’ve ever experienced civil servants in their elements, you will understand how important this is. 

Find anyone else that can help you

You know how they say that the lone wolf dies, but the pack survive; this couldn’t be truer. Find anybody that seems to have it all figured out and stick with them through it all. You can easily identify them; they control the crowd and do other class captain stuff.

Pray (Sorry,  Nigeria)

You should do this before you leave your house, actually. But you should do it at intervals when you get there. You see, only God can speak into the minds of the people in charge of the registration centre. Oh, let’s not forget that everything they need to capture your biometrics and other information can decide not to work that day too. But with prayer, all things are possible (or how do we say that stuff again?)

Forget About The Stuff Until They Call You -If they call you

So, you spent the better part of the day, but you made it to the front of the line and gave them everything they need. Congratulations, you have managed to come out of the ordeal unscathed. Now, go back home and wait until they get back to you, which in some cases is never. But at least, you did your part.

You know how the only thing sure in life are death and taxes? Well, if you’re a Nigerian walking around with dreadlocks then two things are for sure certain for you: stress and one or seven attacks from SARS.

Even though the people at the back will probably need to hear this one or seven times, leave people with dreadlocks again. Their hair is just that – hair. There’s nothing about dreadlocks that makes a person more prone to crime or smoking weed, so stop with the stereotyping!

Now in case you’re confused, here are some of the things dread heads are absolute sick and tired of hearing:

When will you cut it?

Around the same time I’ll cut you, if you keep asking dumb questions

Your hair smells great, I wasn’t expecting that.

Oh really? Save that surprise for how bad your breath is next time

Can I touch your hair?

Can I smack yah face?

Do you wash your hair?

Do you have a brain?

Do you smoke weed?

😑

Are you an activist?

What?

If you have dreadlocks, what are you absolutely sick of hearing?

Very few things events are so memorable, you remember the time of day, place and your state of being when it happened. In Nigeria we have the kidnap of the Chibok girls and perhaps Yar’adua’s passing, but nothing very few things are as tragically unforgettable as the Ikeja Cantonment Bomb Blast of 2002.

It’s been 17 years since the fire started that set off the first blasts, the evening of January 27th. In that time we’ve had the Naira lose its value, abusive senators assume office and a former dictator ascend power, and yet, the events od January 17th remain unforgettable.
We spoke with 4 Nigerians, all of whom remembered the events of the Ikeja Cantonment Bomb Blast and asked that recount their experiences of the day. Here are their stories:

Quadri – 24.

In January 2002, I was a few months shy of turning 5, but I remember everything that happened like it was only last week.

When the first blasts went off, we were wondering who was still throwing bangers this long after Christmas and why they were shooting it so close to our home. When the blasts wouldn’t stop, we knew something more serious was happening, but none of my family members wanted to alert the other.

My dad did what any dad would do, he asked us to put a movie on to distract us, while he stepped out to discuss with neighbours every other minute. It went on like this until the blasts subsided, everyone pretending to pay attention to the movie, but jerking every time another blast went off. The relief was palpable when the blasts stopped ringing out.

Ayomikun – 34.

I remember the events of January 27th, but maybe not in the way everyone does. At the time, I lived in Egbeda which was a considerable way off from the blasts, so while the majority of Lagos was in pandemonium, wondering where to turn because of the blasts. I was home with my family, first wondering what kind of thunder was ringing out, then if anyone was shooting a rifle or something of the sort around. Word eventually got round to us, but when I saw the scale of damage brought on by the blast in papers the next day, it was still so hard to believe.

Ayoola – 29.

I was in Ota, Ogun State on January 27th, 2002. Mobile phones weren’t as widespread during that period, so I and members of my family were clueless about events in Lagos at the time. I was heading to the bus stop, looking to go to You Ore from Main Ota when some bike men spoke the following words in Yoruba to me: “head to Iyana instead (believing I was headed elsewhere), the world is ending in Lagos”. It really was too.

Fisayo – 30

Somehow what I remember most of January 27th isn’t the sounds of the blasts, but the sheer number of people that were out on the streets when they started.

I lived in Iyana Ipaja at the time, back then, if gunshots rang out, nobody waited to tell the other, everyone ran. You couldn’t even be upset with the next guy for not informing you.

So when the first few blasts rang out and my family found the courage to venture out, it was surprising to see so many people just walking on the roads. Many with haphazardly packed luggage on their heads. the reality that a great majority of these people ended up in the lagoon or succumbing to some harm jars me till this day.

Around 1000 people lost their lives in the aftermath of the Ikeja blasts. We remember them today, and always.

2020 plis…

In 2020, we’ve had an earthquake, a horrifying wildfire, the threat of a third World War, a plane crash, the loss of a legend and his prodigious daughter (RIP Kobe and Gigi) and now, we have to deal with the coronavirus. It’s only been the first month.

What is a Coronavirus?

Coronaviruses refer to viruses that affect the respiratory tract of mammals, including humans. Remember SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome)? That was a coronavirus. If you heard about MERS (Middle East Respiratory Disease), that was also a coronavirus.

A coronavirus spreads like a cold virus. It can affect the nose, throat or the upper throat and isn’t always dangerous. But you see this one from China?

What do we know about the Wuhan Coronavirus?

Far as we know, the illness causing the coronavirus in Wuhan is novel i.e we never see this kind thing before.

Like other coronaviruses, it is believed to have come from animals, bats being a likely culprit. Many of those infected either worked or frequently shopped in the Huanan seafood wholesale market in the centre of the Chinese city, which also sold live and newly slaughtered animals.

So far, 80 deaths have been reported in the province where the disease first broke and 100,000 people are possibly infected. The disease is reportedly present in the US, South Korea, Japan and a suspected case may be present in Ivory Coast.

A country which, can I say, is dangerously close to Nigeria.

Symptoms of the coronavirus.

Those who have fallen ill are reported to have experienced:

• Coughs
• Fevers
• Breathing difficulties.
• In severe cases, organ failure

The virus leads to pneumonia and due to the fact that it is viral pneumonia, antibiotics are of no use. Antiviral drugs against the flu are also ineffective.

Recovery from the disease is largely dependent on how strong the immune system is, with many of the deceased already being in poor health.

The disease is believed to be passed on from person to person. However, before you start drafting your will over a cough you developed this morning — if you haven’t been in contact with any person who recently visited China or been in contact with anyone infected with the virus, your cough is probably just that, a cough.

But to make sure your cough stays that way, you should know a few things about preventing the coronavirus.

Here’s how to prevent the coronavirus.

The UN is currently advising people to do the following:

• Frequently wash your hands with an alcohol-based hand rub or warm water and soap.
• Cover your mouth and nose with a flexed elbow or tissue when sneezing or coughing.
• Avoid close contact with anyone who has a fever or cough.
• Seek early medical help if they have a fever, cough and difficulty breathing, and share their travel history with healthcare providers.
• Avoid direct, unprotected contact with live animals and surfaces in contact with animals when visiting live markets in affected areas.
• Avoid eating raw or undercooked animal products and exercise care when handling raw meat, milk or animal organs to avoid cross-contamination with uncooked foods.

Nigeria hasn’t gotten to this stage yet, but should you feel the need to wear a mask to protect yourself, pay attention to this video:

Currently, there is absolutely no cause for alarm in Nigeria over the coronavirus. Be sure to take the necessary precautions, eat healthy to boost your immunity and we’ll be sure to weather this virus out. Here’s to seeing the end of 2020.

If you wrote common entrance examinations and attended secondary school in Nigeria, then this would definitely have been you and trouble back in the day.

If you weren’t sneaking your phone into class, or stabbing classes and getting caught, you were getting into some dumb thing or the other. But what were the dumbest thing you got into trouble for?

Because my mother reads all my articles, I can safely say that I was a model student that founded a church in a school and somehow managed to win the award for ‘Most Outstanding Teacher’ as student in Js 2.

But not these guys, we convinced 4 people to tell us the dumbest things they got into trouble and their stories? oh boy.

Ademide started a ‘tabon’ book.

So back when I was in school, nobody sent me work but I appointed myself the class clown. I was always making jokes and side-comments while classes were going on, that kind of thing. Anyway, one day something whispered in my ears to start a ‘tabon book’ for teachers. And if you don’t know what that is, thank you for making me feel like I’m 72.

My tabon book had all the you know, grammatical mistakes teachers make in class: “when did she left?”, “who is around when it happened”, you get.

So, one day, after my book was like half-way full, a teacher caught me writing in it and the beating I took? I still don’t know I can walk till today.

Omotoke fired banger inside the school premises.

Nobody should ask me why I did it. It was something to be done, so there. Shout out to the girls in my set sha. I threw that banger around 9 PM when everyone was in their dorm and it was super quiet. Our headmistress called everybody in my dorm to her house and we all served punishment until like 1 AM, nobody snitched. I didn’t try it again after though.

Victor … existed in school?

See, you’ll ask some people what they got into trouble for and you’ll definitely get answers like they cheated in a test or they stabbed class or they broke chemistry sets. In my school, just be alive, punishment is waiting for you.

I attended a military school and soldiers would just find the dumbest things to punish us for when they were bored. True story too. One day I wasn’t walking fast enough for a soldier’s liking, so they I had to roll laps on the grass to teach me a lesson. God forbid oppression like that for my children.

Tomisin wrote a love letter

… To a teacher’s daughter.

In my defence, she was so fine! I think her mom was upset because I mentioned ‘love’, but I was like thirteen when I wrote it, what did I know?

You would think a love letter is a small thing, but no oh I was resuming inside her mom’s staff room every day to serve punishment. Block me back Demidun!

On January 21st, without much warning, unless you call an hour’s notice to vacate your home, the community you grew up in, raised children through, started a life in — sufficient notification, members of the Tarkwa Bay Community of Lagos State found themselves playing a role nothing could have prepared then for.

Homeless, overlooked inhabitants of an uncaring state.

Their exit was a production of the Nigerian Armed Forces on the direction of the state government. Background music was provided by bullet rounds.

Depending on who you’re asking, the people of Tarkwa Bay were removed for their illegal occupation of the property. This is despite their occupation being decades-long, and legally sanctioned, per the law that long possession of a property amounts to adverse ownership of property.
Ditto the fact that for “illegal occupants”, the government somehow in every election year, made sure to allocate polling units to waterfront community.

If you ask others, others who are aware of the fact that since December 24th, 2019, almost 24 communities namely Abagbo, Abule Elepa, Kopiamy, Okun Babakiti, Sankin, Sapo Otun and others have been evacuated in similar fashion. The same others who saw what happened to Otondo Gbame, they’ll tell you the Bay’s evacuation is a property play by developers looking to erect high-end properties, the likes of which the pooled income from 7 lifetimes of the average Tarkwa Bay resident can only dream to afford.

In addition to being illegal occupants, the government claims that Tarkwa’s inhabitants (numbering around 10,000), were vandalising pipelines situated around the beach and pumping illegally. Perhaps angry at this, the Lagos State leadership decided a sufficient punishment would be leaving them to their devices. Let them figure out alternative housing and community within a moment’s notice. That’ll teach them.

Contrast this with the actions of the Oyo State Government, headed by Seyi Makinde. He ensured reduced rent and alternative space for roadside traders were made available in his state by December 2019, before they were removed from the streets.

By the evening of January 21, CMS Jetty on Lagos Island was filled with desolate families of Tarkwa Bay, heaping around the only things the government permitted they leave with — their lives, more property than their arms, the only homes they owned could carry and just a whiff of the remnants of their dignity.

The government is yet to release a statement. Yet to acknowledge their loss. Yet to recognise their humanity.

So, Lassa fever is back. Again. All the warnings sound like big big grammar, so we are going to try to simplify it.

So, what does this mean?

Lassa fever is a viral illness caused by rats. It is usually found in parts of West Africa including Liberia, Guinea, and Nigeria. The animal in charge of spreading it is called a multimammate rat.

Okay. What are the symptoms?

Not everyone infected by the virus has symptoms. When it occurs, it comes with fever, weakness, vomiting, headache. Less common symptoms include bleeding from the mouth or eye. Also, deafness has been reported.

Hmmm. How do people get infected?

It can be spread by eating food contaminated by faeces and urine of the rat that spreads it. If you come in contact with clothing soiled by the rat’s faeces you can also get infected. Exposure to air contaminated by rat faeces is another risk factor. ie sweeping areas where the excrements are found. This is my new excuse to ditch house chores – E go be.

Ah. Okay. How does this concern me?

Like any illness, getting affected by it will greatly stress the quality of your life and your wallet. Not to scare you but there’s also the increased risk of death associated with this illness.

So, what can I do?

Till we get an all-clear from relevant health authorities, you should try to ensure regular hand washing with clean water and soap as many times as possible. Also, if you can avoid eating at mama put during this period, do so. Proper food storage – if you steal meat from the pot, ensure you cover it well afterwards. Store foodstuff in plastic containers. Furthermore, proper hygiene should be practised to discourage rodent population. Regular cleaning and emptying of trash can help achieve this.

Is it…Is it….treatable?

Good news is that it is treatable, but you must present early to a proper hospital. Not a roadside chemist but a well-equipped hospital with actual certified doctors. Certified healthcare providers are the only ones capable of properly taking care of an infected person.

Please, give us a summary. Like cool tweetable points 🙄 :

• Lassa fever is named after the town in Nigeria where it was first discovered.

• It is spread by rodents.

• The symptoms include headache, fever, weakness.

• It is treatable as long as you present on time to a qualified healthcare professional.

• Proper hygiene is one of the best ways to prevent this illness.

If you found this helpful, let us know in the comments section.

Using the ATM can be a frustrating or enjoyable experience, depending on the network service sometimes, or the kinds of people you encounter on the queue. Here’s a list of the types of characters you’ll likely meet at an ATM.

1. The ones who came to withdraw all the cash.

They will come with 5 ATM cards and keep withdrawing until you lose your patience.

2. The ones who came to jump the queue.

They’ll say they are behind you, but in two minutes they have withdrawn money while you’re still standing and they don’t even feel remorseful about it.

3. The ones who don’t understand how the ATM works.

And they will still not ask for help!

4. Those who came to ‘chance’ you with old age.

This grey hair on my head means I’m old, so leave there let me withdraw.

5. The ones who have no intention of doing anything.

These ones will pass their card to you like, “Please help me withdraw. My pin is 0000.”

Nigeria’s many problems are a number of things that require you to sit down, off-shirt and have a chilled bottle of water on stand-by before discussing. Because really, where you wan start from?

There’s quite literally, no aspect of Nigerian life that just works seamlessly. No check it, even basic things,

Is it water? Who doesn’t have a self-built borehole at home.

Air? Port-Harcourt has been in the midst of a pollution disaster for years now. Quality of life in Nigeria is so trash, it might as well be okrika, and not the good kind either.

Because this nonsense has gone on for so long, it’s very easy for Nigerians to take our sub-par treatment as the regular way things are done, but that is so far from the truth, you could make a bush path through it.

As proof, here are 7 very Nigerian issues taken for granted, but which are anything but:

Electricity.

Do you realise that there are generations and generations of Nigerians that have said these two words: ‘up NEPA’ in actual excitement when power is restored? How is it that for decades and decades, Nigeria’s electricity crisis (because a crisis is what it is) has defied a solution? How?

2. Transport.

Can you suggest a cross-country trip, by road, to your friends without them looking at you like this:

The roads are terrible, infrastructure in the states are terrible and if that isn’t enough to send you away, there’s no guarantee of your security. Who did we offend?

3. Welfare.

If you counted on your fingers, how many homeless people you passed on your way to work or school, you’ll probably need four additional sets of limbs to complete the count.

Nigeria has a system called ‘Almajiri’ children’, and for the life of me, I can’t understand how it is still in place. This practice leaves children of all ages, destitute and abandoned on the roads in the name of following tradition. How can this continue?

4. The Police.

You know something’s wrong when the people have to appoint a hero to save them from the police. Nigeria’s police force is under-funded, under-resourced and underpaid. The SARS division has been a repeated source of strife in the lives of the citizens and the police barracks looks like it’s one strong wind away from collapse.

But has anything been done to truly find a lasting solution?

5. Politics and elections.

Every four years in the electoral cycle, Nigeria holds elections. These elections are from political parties and for political posts that are largely exclusive of the average man. Exorbitant costs to participate and campaign in elections guarantee this.

Just again, every four years, the Independent National Electoral Commission fails to provide seamless ways to ensure the majority of Nigerians aren’t disenfranchised. Needlessly complicated processes to participate in the elections guarantee this. Violence in elections seals the deal. And the officeholders that eventually win? Hm.

Every four years, without fail, rinse and repeat.

6. Healthcare.

A.K.A the largely crowdfunded enterprise Nigerians everywhere have been forced to engage in. Every time I hear people say one health scare can be the difference between having a savings and living through bankruptcy, the reality of the Nigerian situation just hits again.

Let’s not get started on the irony of a president who deems it fit to announce he’ll be living his country and his electorate to visit doctors abroad. His son as well for good measure.

Hospitals operating without blood, oxygen, electricity. Hospitals refusing stab, gunshot wound victims without police reports, what did we do to deserve these?

7. Security of life.

Nigeria is so precariously unsafe, it’s a wonder anyone remains in this country. Kidnappings, robberies, stabbings, tribal clashes, the yet to be defeated Boko Haram scourge. The insecurity of your home when it floods after rain. Poor vehicle inspections and road-worthiness guarantees, causing tankers to collapse on persons and property alike. The list goes on and on.

It’s not normal, none of it is.