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The Nigerian Police Is Recruiting: We Want These 7 Interview Questions
The Nigerian Police is currently recruiting, and we want a clean slate from the past. These questions must be asked if we are serious about integrity and professionalism in the force.
1. “Are you hopelessly addicted to 50 Naira?”
Obviously, he won’t say he is. But check his eyes, if he describes 50 Naira with so much passion and gusto, and his eyes light up with lust, that’s an incoming thief. He is high on mutilated N50 Naira. Boot him out!
2. “Who Is Kcee? Do you know his brother E-money?“
He will try to hide his admiration for Kcee (“Alhaji Bureau de Changer”) and his elder brother E-money. But pay attention to his lips, if he smirks it any suggestively then he’s somebody who will leave the force to open doors for rich people. He’s a door opener, not a police. Get that man out!
3. “Are tattoos from the Devil?”
If he says no earrings, no tattoos and no dreadlocks and anyone who has them on is suspect, that’s a SARS material. He will be a menace on the streets. Sack that man before you’ve even given him a job!
4. “Is virginity Important?”
If he says virginity is a material fact, and that he has to ask about virginity once he questions any girl, that man is going to be a benefit policeman, and a terror to our girls. Sweep him out!
5. Tell him to say “Park”
If he shouts “Parrrrrrrk!”, and the veins in his head is bulging out and his eyes are almost coming out of their socket, that’s a baby tyrant. He will stop every car and tax every driver, even more than Sanwo-Olu. Show that man the exit!
6. “Road or air travel, which do you prefer?”
If he says he “so much” likes road travel and that he likes Nigeria’s rough and rugged inter-state roads, he’s going to be an inter-state extortionist. Decline his application before he extorts all the drivers on Nigerian roads.
7. “Oga or Boss, which is correct?”
If he says he likes calling his superiors “Oga”, you’re looking at a Makanaki. He will start a bribery ring with his “Oga”, and they’ll share it 70-30. He understands how to pay tithe in the Devil’s kingdom. Sack than man, now!
Jara
Check his wrist and see if he’s wearing a wrist watch. If he’s not, he will run away from the crime scene and come back hours after the criminals have gone. He’s a scammer, that one.
But we know the Nigerian Police Force won’t ask these tough questions. That means, God safe us from this incoming batch of members of the police force who will certainly not be our friends, as always.
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#Politics101: Aisha Buhari’s Shalaye, Sanusi Visits El-Rufai, Serial Killer Re-Arrested, and More
Every Monday morning, Zikoko’s new Citizen “Politics 101” will curate the biggest news stories that made the rounds over the weekend, including the most significant news stories we’re tracking in the new week.
1. Omo, Aisha Buhari Really Went Abroad And Came Back To Tell Us Not To Go Abroad
Aisha Buhari is really trying to fumble up our bag, or at least that’s what it seems. Per a Sahara Reporters investigation, Aisha Buhari had reportedly flown out the country to Dubai, violating Covid-19 lock down regulations in the process, while using neck pain as an alibi when she actually went to purchase wedding items for her daughter’s upcoming wedding ceremony. According to SaharaReporter’s source, Aisha Buhari’s “neck doctor” is in London and not Dubai, and the travel was not an health emergency but to purchase luxury items.
Look, we’re losing track. The real gist is that the first lady came back from this medical trip and started talking a big game about funding challenges in the health sector and how healthcare providers should access the fund.
But erm, eskiss Ma, you’re the FIRST LADY OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA. Even if you had facilitated funding for just one hospital and then subsequently went ahead to treat yourself at that hospital, wouldn’t that have been patriotic and a great show of leadership by example? Ugh, I will never get it with Nigerian leaders, man. Its horrendous.
2. Sanusi Visits El-Rufai…In Kaduna
Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, remember him? The Emir of Kano dethroned in March this year for reasons more blurry than when you take a selfie with a Sagem camera (if Sagem phones ever had one). Well, he visited the Governor of Kaduna State, Mallam Nasir El-Rufai on Sunday, talmbout solidarity visit and all.
There’s really not much to take away from the meeting tbh, except that Sanusi quipped that the NBA should not have disinvited El-Rufai from its Annual General Conference and that they should have used the opportunity to hear his own side of the story. The story being the Southern Kaduna killings and the subsequent protest by many lawyers that they won’t attend the conference if El-Rufai remains billed as a guest speaker – courtesy of their opinion that he has handled the insecurity issues in the state in a very disdainful manner.
3. Wait, another Kunle Afolayan Flick? Oh Its Not
Police on Sunday rearrested Sunday Shodipe (any idea why Sunday was re-arrested on Sunday?), an alleged serial killer who had escaped police custody on August 11. Sunday Shodipe is said to have masterminded killings in Akinyele Local Government Area of Oyo State.
TL/DR: Sunday had earlier narrated how he conducted his operations of killing more than 5 people. He said he worked for an herbalist who recited some incantations on him and gave him a shovel to kill people. He said he turns his back on people and closes his eye for 5 seconds after killing them before he carries them to the herbalist. Asked if he wasn’t scared if he’ll be caught, he said the herbalist assured him that nobody will see him while doing the act.
Look, there’s way more grim stuff, and you can read them here. But my managing editor will kill me if she finds out I’m writing about herbalist-y things. This is a safe website, plis.
Fisi + Jara
IPOB clash with security forces in Enugu. Pastor Olukoya clears air on fraud allegations.
Check back every Monday morning by 10am for more #Politics101 stories.
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Ice Lolly and 4 Drinks That Made Our Sunday Afternoons
Before we all became alcoholics and life was a lot simpler, there were drinks that held us down on Sunday afternoons. Especially to douse the tension from the hot sun after that power-packed sermon and deliverance session by visiting Pastor Japhet Elijah (Power Must Change Hands).
Sample some of them:
1. Ice Lolly
Crunching blocked ice lolly with your teeth was an assignment. Can’t tell me nothing.
2. Zobo
Above is zobo that went to Harvard and did a post doctoral at MIT. Real zobo doesn’t sit in a glass cup. I lie?
3. Kunu
Kunu is a real g. End of.
4. Fan Yogo
Says a lot about the staying power of Fan Yogo if Micheal Essien was in on it. If you didn’t drink FanYogo as a kid or on Sunday afternoons, you’re a refugee from Chad. Can’t tell me nothing.
5. Soya Milk
Soy Milk is good milk. Certainly more nutritious than Jack Sparrow, John Snow and all the other creepy ‘Bitters’ we have out there.
We’ve also ranked Local Nigerian Drinks, Here.
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Pounded Yam and 4 Other Nigerian Foods That Enjoy White Privilege
Look, colorism is real. And it shows up even in the smallest things – like how we rate our foods. How, in God’s name does Amala get so much stick but Pounded Yam gets so much free press. It’s like how British tabloids won’t cut black players any slack but Maguire gets a thumbs up for a getting into brawls.
Well, we thought to tell you that these Nigerian foods have enjoyed white privilege for the longest time. But you know what they say with privilege – own it with your chest.
1. Pounded Yam
Pounded Yam is arguably the worst swallow ever, but you won’t hear pim from anyone. It leaves you heavy, is hardly digestible, and is basic. But even Steve Jobs never enjoyed press coverage like this thing does. And the process it takes to make it? If it was black it would have been mixed with cement to plaster houses and help in fixing Nigeria’s housing deficit.
But again, good old colorism – making basic things look exceptional.
2. Fufu
Fufu stinks, smells and is sticky. On top of that you can’t have it by 7pm and use the rest of of your day for anything meaningful – except of course you purposely intend to feel like someone sacrificed to the gods.
But Fufu is still being eaten by actual humans. Why? Light skin.
3. Semo
Okay the Semo slander might overflogged, but Semo as a food would have been erased from national consciousness like a George Owellian novel if it had the slightest bit of melanin. The food tastes like sorrow, and on top of it, is artificial. Imagine doing cosmetic surgery and still turning out meh.
Ah, Semo is hopeless – but it hasn’t died because of white privilege. And we care less about whatever shalaye it was doing in the interview we had with it.
4. Pupuru
I have to admit Pupuru is good people. A dope chow, Pupuru is that very fair chick that sits at the back of the class, doesn’t talk much and is generally reverred as an OG. Not a very popular dish, but if you know you know.
But imagine if pupuru was dark skinned – ah, the slander. People will spit on it and say one thing one thing. Moral: we need new Bey music for black skin foods. Featuring LAX?
5. Tuwo Shinkafa
Tuwo Shinkafa is proper bro, ngl. But imagine if it was black. It probably would have been called ‘Tuwo Blackafa’ – symbolising black strength, grit, and all of those black stereotypes that just needs to die.
Imagine if it Tuwo Shinkafa now had a nappy hair. That’s the part people will be spitting out. You’ll hear: “I don’t eat that black hair part of Tuwo Shinkafa, walahi”.
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Banter Republic of Nigeria: WAEC-Gate, CBN’s Passion For Agric, And More
Every Friday, Zikoko rounds up the funniest news stories of the week, including some of the funniest reactions to them.
1. WAEC-Gate
What leaks better than a basket? You guessed right: WAEC (Sorry WASSCE) questions.
On Monday, news filtered in via social media that the WAEC Mathematics questions for the day had already been leaked since the weekend. The Chemistry Practical questions for the Tuesday exams also appears to have leaked, too. But WAEC came out on both occasions to staunchly deny the claims, stating that any student who relies on the leaks was well – sleeping on a Harley Davidson Bicycle.
Except that, just yesterday, WAEC has arrrested “errant supervisors” who leaked the questions. So it turns out leaks have, of course, been going on.
Are we surprised? Hell No. Should parents still listen to their wards when they say they are the leaders of tomorrow? They actually should. They must just add: “What kind of leader will you be, Imabong?”.
2. The Passion For Agric
A pivotal job of any Central Bank is to reduce and handle inflation, i.e the price of goods. Nigeria’s inflation rate as at last count is at 12.8% – the highest figure in over 2 years. But the CBN is back with another scintillating package for cotton farmers – and Nigerians ARE NOT HAVING IT.
What can we say? Long live King Meffy.
3. Promises Made, Promises Delivered
Minister of State for Petroleum, Timipre Sylva, while inspecting a hydro-skimming private modular Refinery in Yenagoa, Bayelsa State, stated that the Buhari led administration will end the importation of petroleum products in the country.
But the “will” conditioned in that statement makes us go “wiun”. When, how, why, who, whose, which, in short – When WILL fuel importation end in Nigeria? I’ll give my inheritance to anyone who knows. Just don’t ask me what my inheritance is.
Check back every weekday by 10am for more Citizen stories.
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It Is Clear The Government Does Not Care About Nigerian Students
Political campaigns are going on. Elections have been scheduled. Religious worship houses have resumed. Airports are open. Markets are open. But the average Nigerian kid is still rolling tires and has not been in a classroom at least since March. There’s no sort of plan by the government for the resumption of their education, and we are wondering who exactly students offended in this politically charged country?
When will students learn actively again? Any ideas?
Rolling Tyres is the new PHE for many Nigerian kids On August 20, the Ministry of of Education released yet another set of guidelines to schools before and when when they reopen, including the training of teachers and other personnel on safety and hygiene measures, establishment of a Covid-19 referral system, availability of ambulance services to testing/isolation/treatment centres including the state government facilities, etc. Many conditions that the average mom and pop schools won’t even meet.
But schools physically reopening is not even the bigger issue here. Look, we will all be fine if kids are at home but they aren’t spreading or getting any virus. But that is if they are also learning at home. But Nigeria has no infrastructure whatsoever for kids to learn online, or from home. So most students are stuck at the same point since March – learning nothing. Just vibes and Insha Allah.
At this point we need to ask what is really going on. Where is the plan for our students to resume learning again? Does the government have any?
Check back every Morning by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen stories.
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5 Ways To Handle Street Food, According To Nigerian Politicians
Nigerian politicians are not normal, everyone knows. How do you even eat two pieces of roasted corn at the same time, one on each hand. How? Are you showing us how you’ll multitask when elected?
Here’s how to handle street food according to Nigerian politicians:
5. First, Fry Plantain And Potato With The Seller
For the culture. Omo Yoruba ni mi, Swagger. 4. Roast Corn For The Seller, With A Baby In Hand
For the culture. Babies make everything better. 3. Keep Calm and Buy Bole
It’s the Buba, Sokoto and security escort for me. 2. Rebrand Agege Bread
LMFAO. The ghetto, sorry the Agege. 1. Two Corns At A Time
Two corns at a time, maximum satisfaction. Try it sometime this century. For your next read: 15 meals online vendors should consider selling.
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What Is Happening With Nigerian Traders In Ghana?
Nigerian traders in Ghana have being complaining of unfair treatment and the forceful closure of their shops in the country.
The video above, recorded by a Nigerian trader in Ghana is a good place to begin. For the past few days, Nigerian traders have been appealing to the Nigerian government, claiming that their shops are being locked up by Ghanaian authorities, and that the latter are hell bent on forcefully closing up their business, despite evidence of company registration, tax payment and legal business dealings.
$1 Million Foreign Equity and 31,500 Cedis Registration Fee
But that appears not to be all of the story. Chukwueka Nnaji, President of the Nigerian Traders Union in Ghana had said shops belonging to Nigerians were locked by an Inter-Ministerial Task Force which went round on August 10, requesting their registration of business taxes, resident permit, standard control and the GIPC (Ghana Investment Promotion Council) Registration.
Nnaji explained that Nigerian traders could not afford the requirements of the registration which they were given two weeks to pay. The GIPC (Ghana Investment Promotion Council) Law allows for general trading of people who are not members of GUTA ( Ghana Union of Traders Association), but with a requirement of $1 million cash or foreign equity and registration fee of 31,500 Cedis.
Nnaji further added the law requires Nigerian trader’s to employ a minimum of 25 skilled Ghanaian workers and they must not trade in commodities that Nigerian traders have applied in.
Boakye Boateng
But Boakye Boateng, Head of Communications in Ghana’s Trade Ministry has defended the regularisation exercise, stating that it would be unfair of Nigerian traders to complain of insensitivity by the Ghanaian government.
He added that Nigerian traders had been served notice for over a year, and we’re pardoned in December following the intervention of President Nana Akufo-Addo. He added that the security officials in the ‘regularisation exercise’ only went to inspect shops, and that they were given 14 days to ensure that all their necessary documentations were complete.
Future of African Trade
It is clear there are still a lot of challenges with Intra-African trade, especially due to Xenophobia and related reasons. African governments must work together to facilitate trade and migration amongst different countries. We’ll keep hearing stories of this nature until that is fixed.
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Bishop Oyedepo Says A New Law Is Targeting Churches
On Sunday, Bishop David Oyedepo, the President of Living Faith Church Worldwide, while preaching , kicked against the application of a section of the recently passed into law Companies and Allied Matters Act 2020 (“CAMA”), stating that such a section of the law was due to the jealousy of the government to the growth of churches.
Specifically, the Bishop contends with Section 839 (1) of the Act which declares that the “Commission may by order suspend the trustees of an association and appoint an interim manager or managers the affairs of an association where it reasonably believes that there is or has been any misconduct or mismanagement in the administration of the association”, and for other reasons. Note that churches and religious bodies are included in “an association”.
Essentially, Oyedepo is worried about ‘Trustees’ encroaching into ‘church territory’. But, a media aide to the President, Luaretta Onochie has also replied Oyedepo, stating that he will have to go ahead to “manufacture his own country” if he does not want to obey Nigerian laws.
There are other opinions by Nigerians too, including this one:
But this new development is bouncing off a wave of Nigerian Pastors and their resistance to any form of state regulation. Just recently, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome of the Believers Loveworld Incorporated condemned the lockdown of churches and religious organisations so as to stem the spread of the coronavirus, stating that “We can serve God as he wants us to, not as somebody says we should”.
So, what do you think? Are you in support of this new clause? Are churches in Nigeria getting a free pass or they should be strictly regulated? Try not to “touch the annointed” as you collect your thoughts, plis dear.
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4 Things To Do With White Rice When You Don’t Have Stew
There’s always Rice at home, but is there always stew? No. We profile 4 things you can do with white rice when you don’t have stew or whatever you eat your rice with.
1. Throw It Away
Look, just throw it away man. It’s not useful.
2. Add Rat Poison and Feed It To Rats
Mix it with poison and feed it to rats. That’s not animal cruelty, is it?
3. Use It To Break Your ‘White’ Fast
If you attend Celestial Church, this works even better. Life na sense.
4. Eat It Like That And Blame Buhari/Osinbajo
If people don’t brush their teeth in the morning nowadays, they blame Buhari and Osinbajo. You sef eat your white rice in peace and blame the APC government. Nothing spoil.
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7 Lines You Will Definitely Hear In A Nigerian Church
If you have not heard any of these lines in a Nigerian church before then you have not been attending Nigerian churches. Say the truth and confess where you go to every Sunday.
1. “Brethren praisssssssseeeee the Lord”.
The usual opening statement. And don’t just say it, yell it. Scream it.
2. “That hallelujah cant be for my master Jesus”.
From the office of the designated assistant Jesus.
3. “Open your mouth and begin to pray”.
We don’t do prayers in the heart here. Open that mouth and shout out those prayer points fam.
4. “My testimony goes like this…”
And then you sit back to sit through 30 mins of an account of said testimony.
5. “If you are in the ushering department please wait after service”.
There’s always a meeting after service that will keep you hovering at the church premises for hours after service.
6. “Shout hallelujah 20 times.”
Don’t miss a single one, and make sure it’s exactly 20.
7. “Ha ha hallelujahhhhhhhh! Pra pra praise the Lord”. X 4
To be screamed please.
Read this: 6 Types Of People At Prayer Sessions In Nigerian Churches.
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10-Year Old Jamilu Aliyu Was Chained With Goats For Two Years. WTF
On Tuesday, news broke that 10-year old Jamilu Aliyu was chained with goats and forced to eat animal feed for two years, soon after his mother died. He was rescued after neighbours discovered the gory sight and spread the video footage. The boy was rescued by the Kebbi State government, due largely to the intervention of the International Federation of Women Lawyers and the National Human Rights Commission.
What is particularly important here is that Nigeria has a notorious history of child abuse, child maltreatment, child violence, child marriage, child sexual violence and/or child prostitution. UNICEF Nigeria estimates that 6 out of every Nigerian child experience some sort of child violence. 1 in 4 Nigerian girl child experiences sexual violence while 23 million Nigerian children are married off as illegal brides yearly – the largest such number in Africa.
It is clear that there is a pervasive case of child abuse in Nigeria, rooted in social norms and the use of violence in not whatever form.
WHAT MUST BE DONE?
The Child Rights Act was passed into law by the National Assembly in 2003, but has not been domesticated into law by, at 11 states – Bauchi, Yobe, Sokoto, Adamawa, Borno, Zamfara, Gombe, Katsina, Kebbi, Jigawa and Kano. A situation which makes the law ineffective on a national level. Therefore, we propose that the National Ministry of Women Affairs must begin immediate advocacy of the passage of this law in the eleven Northern states. Until this is done, we can’t even begin the discussion about child abuse in Nigeria.
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11 Tweets About Nigerian Lecturers That Will Leave You Laughing Out Loud
We know you people have a lot to say about your lecturers or events inspired by them, so we scoured the bird app. Here are some of the funniest tweets we found.
1. I-
2. Not today
3. Ain’t no better time for an impromptu test
4. LMAO.
5. This is so disrespectful
6 . This one about exam questions
7. Omo
8. Excuse me, sir, where do you think you’re going?
9. When the hunter gets hunted
10. Oh, it’s on
11. Not sure if this is a prayer, but oh well
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6 Ways To Know Your House Is Haunted
A haunted house is never fun when you live in one. The idea of ghosts sharing your toothbrush and watching you shower and have sex is something you might want to consider. Here is a list of ways to check if your house is haunted.
1. Doors open and close randomly
If doors and windows randomly fly open and shut down at will, you live in a haunted house. Obviously, the ghost needs you to know that they may not pay rent but they co-own the house. You might want to attribute this to the breeze but how come you never feel the breeze on your body? Fink about it.
2. You sometimes hear your name
You are alone in the house and you know it but you can hear someone calling your name. Sometimes, it’s so loud that you answer before realising “oh wait, I live alone.” Scientist says it’s a sign of a healthy mind but I say it’s the house spirits just letting you know that you are never alone.
3. Your clothes start to take shape in the dark
If your pile of clothes ever start to look like anything other than clothes, it’s not your schizophrenia kicking in. It’s the house spirits. If they take the extra step of making the clothes move in any way, you might want to perform an exorcism.
4. You have experienced sleep paralysis
If you’ve ever felt a pressing weight on your chest as voices hum incoherently while you mentally struggle to move but find yourself stuck, congratulation, the house spirits want you dead.
5. Things are never where you keep them
When you forget where your keys, phone, or anything is, it’s not a sign of budding dementia it’s the house spirits playing mind tricks on you. Your house is obviously haunted. The stove, pressing iron, and other fire-starting appliances being left on isn’t your doing. Know this and know peace.
6. You feel a presence
There are times you sit and suddenly, you feel there is someone else in the room. No, this isn’t a mental disorder, it’s isn’t because you haven’t taken your meds, it’s the house spirit. Your house is haunted and they want you to know.
If you like spooky stories, check out our Nigerian Horror Story
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5 Painful Ways A Spoilt Laptop Will Ruin Your Day
There are very few things that have the power to single-handedly ruin an entire workday for you. An annoying colleague comes close but a spoilt laptop totally kills it. Here are 4 ways how:
1. It will first of all render the entire day automatically unproductive.
Just consider your ambitious to-do list canceled. You’re back at the beginning fam.
2. Mess up with your deadlines.
If you’re freelancing or liaising directly with clients it hits harder because they just assume you are lying.
3. Give you more future work
Because the work you skipped today will be waiting for your tomorrow when you should have been chilling. So while you are not working now, you are still extremely and unjustly stressed because you are thinking of all the work you should have been doing.
4. Turns your entire schedule upside down.
Everything just goes to flames because you can’t work and you inevitably miss deadlines.
5. Digs another hole in your pocket.
Because at the end of the day it’s money you’ll bring out to fix it. So while you can’t work with the laptop, you still have to find some way to work for money to fix the laptop.
Don’t miss out on reading this exclusive guide to nailing the perfect Nigerian marriage proposal. Thank us later.
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Top Six Emerge in International Breweries Plc’s Trophy Stout Live Band ONLINE Battle
The final ONLINE contest of the on-going Trophy Extra Special Band Battle witnessed a night of rhythmic and musical artistry over the weekend, as six contestants slugged it out for the top spot.
Trophy Extra Special Stout Live Band Battle competition is an initiative of International Breweries Plc, makers of NEW Trophy Stout, made with extra special roasted malted barley.
The musical contest is aimed at recognizing and showcasing the wonderful sounds of live bands in Nigeria even in these times. The CoVID-19 pandemic, which necessitated lockdowns and restriction of movement in most parts of the world, including Nigeria, has forced the halt of social gatherings where live bands usually perform, posing a risk to the continuity of these creative business. To inspire and reward live band musicians, the Trophy extra special live band battle was born, an online contest to showcase these talent and reward top performers.
The stiff contest received over 200 entries online with Bands and hopeful giving their best rendition of Tubaba’s hit. An initial 15 bands proceeded to the next round which led to a voting stage online where 5 bands emerged got the nod of online viewers based on vocal prowess, entertainment value, and votes garnered, TuBaba picked the 6th band through a wild card option.
The top six finalists are Yoyi Ovi, Black Tunes Band, All Time Band, Genial Sound, The Band Hitz, and Sound Minds.
They will be rewarded with cash gifts and other exciting prizes; the eventual winner of the competition will receive a cash prize of N350,000 and an opportunity to perform at various Trophy Extra Special Stout Brand’s functions when social gatherings restart safely.
The first runner-up will get N250,000 and the second runner-up will go away with N150,000. The last three contenders will receive cash consolation prizes.
Comedian, Funny Bone and actor, Annie Idibia will host the top six’ live performance while TuBaba and internationally-acclaimed comedian, Basketmouth will serve as the live studio judges.
Marketing Manager, Trophy, Bamise Oyegbami expressed satisfaction at the quality of musical talents the competition has unearthed so far. He reiterated Trophy Stout’s resolve to continue to support and celebrate extra special occasions and moments with its teeming consumers.
In line with its commitment to building great brands that stand the test of time, global beverage company, International Breweries Plc has been at the forefront of shedding the spotlight on musical bands in the country.”
For now, it’s up to the viewers to get behind their favourites and choose their winning acts through a voting process that will see a band emerge as the Trophy Extra Special Band. The finale will be streamed live on Friday, July 3rd at 7 pm on @TrophyStout & MTVBase Youtube pages as well as TuBaba & MTVBase Instagram pages while the live voting will be on @TrophyStout Instagram page. Repeat broadcasts will air on TV stations like MTVbase TVC, STV among others afterwards.
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THE DIGITAL ENTREPRENEURSHIP PROGRAM
In 2002, Jack Ma stood before a group of young entrepreneurs and investors and told them that the future of the world is digital. They thought he had lost his mind as the .com bubble had just burst and many across the globe were seeking refuge from the internet and everything related to it.
As young Jack looked his skeptical audience in the face, he was faced with two choices – accept what they had said and take his 3-year old business offline or stand his ground and his belief in the future of the internet. Mr. Ma chose the latter, thereby placing a huge bet on the future of the internet and his business, Alibaba.
His friends who stood with him in that room bet against the internet and retreated to the safety of the offline world, a decision that proved to be a huge mistake in retrospect.
As of this writing, Alibaba Group of Companies is worth $480 Billion (USD) and Jack Ma is worth $47.6 Billion (USD) all from his ability to correctly see the future of the internet and online businesses.
Another defining moment is before us and this time, the world is looking to Africa. Numerous financial experts have called Africa the New Frontier and have said that Africa is very capable of becoming a hugely successful region if we adequately utilize what we have.
What we currently have are the active minds of our youths who are seeking answers to questions placed by their parents. What we have is a population of over 200 million young people. What we have is over 200 million able-bodied young people who are eager to make a change in their lives and continent. What we have is more than enough to make the change Africa needs.
This change will only happen when these young people are aware of the importance of digital entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship is well embraced here, but more digital entrepreneurs to make the change we desire. The digital world and the opportunities they bring is to every entrepreneur what the hammer is to Thor – power, ability, success.
Someone once said that the best time to plant a tree was 100 years ago, the second best time is now. Allow me rephrase that: “the best time to go into digital entrepreneurship was 30 years ago, the second best time is now.”
With a passion to digitally empower young people across Africa with the skills and knowledge they need to succeed, Global Wissen Consult was born. We researched and found the African youths have embraced entrepreneurship much more than their parents did, but many of these businesses are lacking the advantage of the digital world. This means that many of them are delving into entrepreneurship, but a far smaller number of them are enabling their businesses with the digital world and tools, hence crippling their businesses with the limitations of the offline
world. Take Covid-19 as an example, the businesses that thrive during this pandemic are the businesses that leverage on the internet.
In a response to enabling digital entrepreneurs across Africa, Global Wissen Consult has launched a Digital Entrepreneurship Program for young people in Africa. This program is self-paced and it is for aspiring entrepreneurs as well as already existing entrepreneurs who seek to grow their businesses, increase their customer base, learn how a digital business works, and in turn, boost their revenue and cash flow.
We teamed up with successful digital entrepreneurs from across Africa to make this program comprehensive enough so that everyone who takes this program will benefit from it. Some of the digital entrepreneurs you would find in this program are: Joke Silva, Steve Harris, Kehinde Balogun, Blessing Abeng, Uwem Uwemakpan, Nancy Nnadi etc.
The DE Program is broken into 3 chapters made up of 26 modules. In this program, we cover topics like:
- · To create a compelling brand story
- · Find your competitive advantage
- · How to maximize your sales and profit
- · To influence your customers
- · To perform digital market research
- · Create a digital business plan and digital elevator pitch
- · Create a successful digital marketing promotion.
- · The necessary skills for a digital business
- · Some profitable digital business ideas
- · How to position your market offering
And so much more…
Allow me paint an illustration on the necessity of digital entrepreneurship. This illustration isn’t far fetched, but something that happened these past weeks as the impact of Covid-19:
Solake and Yemisi are make-up artists based in Lagos. Prior to Covid-19, Solake made a lot of money offering her services to to-be-brides in Lagos, while Yemisi made just a fraction of Solake’s weekly revenue, but Yemisis has leveraged on the internet to open her skill to a wider
range of customers. Solake never bothered with the internet and she would often say: “My customers know where to find me, They know my studio address.”
Covid-19 hit and globally, businesses were paralyzed, but Yemisi had an edge because she had capitalized on the digital space. She seamlessly moved her services completely online and began to host online classes for budding make-up artists.
Solake on the other hand was badly squeezed by the pandemic as brides-to-be didn’t have any use for her services. Soon, no one came to her studio and she had no income. Subsequently, her business closed down, but Yemisi’s business strengthened.
This is one of the effects of the pandemic to businesses around the world, and only the well-positioned businesses thrived. This is what Africa needs now – digitally-enabled businesses that would thrive in spite of the circumstances.
The time is now and the cause is urgent. What will Africa give to the world?
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#UnionRiseChallenge – Doubt Your Doubt! You too Can Rise!
The buzz has heightened as The Union Rise Challenge enters its fourth (and final) week! Inspiring stories have continued to pour in through various social media channels, with many Nigerians showcasing their creativity, innovation, and impact, even in the face of the challenging times caused by the global Covid-19 pandemic.
So far, 30 winning entries have emerged since the Challenge kicked off on the first of June, with the top ten entries announced each Saturday.
One of the winning entries from last weekend’s announcement was from Babatunde Onakoya, convener of Chess in Slums, an initiative that focuses on teaching children from underserved communities the game of chess to promote their intellectual development. Working with volunteers and donors, the group was able to raise funds during the pandemic to procure iPads so the kids could continue learning remotely. The group also organised a food outreach in the Majidun/Ogolonto area of Lagos State.
Another entry which won the hearts of many was received from Madaki Adang who has worked fastidiously to provide over 16,000 people with Covid-19 health tips via his Facebook page. Madaki also collaborated with other medical practitioners to deliver free virtual consultations through ‘My Virtual Doc’ App, thereby decongesting crowded hospital waiting rooms.
All of these go to show the amazingly irrepressible spirit that Nigerians continue to exhibit, even in the face of tremendous difficulty. Thanks to Union Bank, each of the winning entries is receiving N250,000 to support their work! Doubt your Doubt, this could be you!
What are you waiting for? The UnionRise Challenge is open to individuals, groups and small businesses who are RISING and making a difference in their communities. So, if you are being innovative, charitable, creative, and resourceful, then we want to hear your story:
- Take a short video (no longer than 60 seconds) or post a picture with a detailed caption of your story Tell us how you have discovered new passions and impacted lives during this time.
- Post it on your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter feed with #UnionRiseChallenge. Tag @unionbankng and your friends.
- To learn more visit https://www.unionbankng.com/therisechallenge/
So, come on and send in your entry. Click here to find out more! You can also follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.
This #UnionRiseChallenge is open to all Union Bank customers who have active accounts at the time of submitting their entries. Terms and conditions apply.
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19 Thoughts In The Mind Of A Student Dealing With An Assignment
Schools are pretty much all about lectures, tests, exams, and assignments. Of course, students have a love-hate (mostly) relationships with all of them. Let’s talk about assignments, we will come to the others later. When students have to deal with a new assignment, their thoughts go something like this:
1. This lecturer own is too much sef. Another assignment?
2. Anyway, the deadline is in 2 weeks. There is still time.
3. My mind is telling me to start the research, but what’s the rush?
4. Hm, don’t let me play myself. Let me ask my classmates if they’ve started theirs.
5. Nobody has started. I worry too much.
6. This school likes to stress someone sha. Classes, tests, exams, assignments. On top wetin?
7. Bruh! It’s only a few days to the deadline, and I haven’t written a word.
8. WHERE DID TIME GO?
9. This class rep should ask for an extension oh.
10. Ah, no extension. This lecturer is definitely an enemy of progress
11. Let me check in on my classmates again
12. How are some people writing their conclusion already? Nigerians will always disappoint you
13. How am I going to write a 4000 word paper in two days?
14. Well, I die
15. Why didn’t start this assignment sooner?
16. Ah!!! I hate school!
17. Omo, na copy and paste go do this one oh.
18. Chile, I managed to turn this thing in. Now, I deserve to sleep for a week
19. For real, though, this will be the last time I leave any school work until the last minute
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Thinking About A Medical Degree In Ukraine? Read This First
You know, for people who have the hardest time permitting their children to attend sleepovers, inter-state excursions and any program not designed for the church or mosque, Nigerian parents are awfully trusting when their children decide an education abroad is what they want to spend a few years of their lives pursuing.
And when it comes to the holy trinity of Nigerian parent dreams for their children’s futures – engineers, lawyers and doctors, you can be sure The US, The UK and Ukraine will get no objections from Daddy Junior when those international school brochures start landing in the mail. Which brings us round to Ukraine.
If you’re Nigerian, you may have noticed an interesting uptick in your younger peers and family members, uploading pictures to their socials with an abroad-looking sky (you know what I mean), and a location tag that says ‘Ukraine’. More often than not, this peer is usually in the Ukraine to study medicine, contributing to the country’s notoriety as a medical education destination.
But should you spend your coins investing in a medical education in Ukraine? We investigated. But first, a little about Ukraine.
What exactly is Ukraine’s gist?
Ukraine is a large country in Eastern Europe, with a population of over 41 million people. Interestingly, the Ukranian population has experienced a steady dip. In 2013, their number were a little above 44 million, but high emigration and death rates, with a confounding low birth rate have contributed to its steady decline.
The people of Ukraine speak Ukranian as a first language, while some native speakers know Russian as a second language. So if you’re planning on moving there, now is not the time to ignore DuoLingo’s very manipulative practice prompts.The country is fairly young, knowing independence for just 29 years and it is bordered by 7 countries – Russia, Belarus, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania and Moldovia.
Now that you know a little Ukranian trivia, let’s hop on to the question any aspiring medical student would want to know
Why should I spend my coins on a Ukranian medical education?
Let’s make this simple. You already know the exchange rates of the Naira to the Dollar and Pound, so no need to rehash horror stories. The Ukranian Hryvnia however, goes for an interesting ₴1 to 14 Naira. Now look at these stats.
Average medical tuition fees in the US: $37,556 (public, in-state) to $62,194 (public, out-of-state)
Average medical tuition fees UK: £20,590 per year for the first two years, then over £40,000 for years 3, 4 and 5 for non-EU students i.e you.
Average medical tuition fees Ukraine: around $4000 – $4500 for studying in English and even cheaper in Russian or Ukranian (again, double up on DuoLingo hustle).
Put simply, with a Ukranian medical degree, you enjoy the benefits of being able to apply for a medical job anywhere in the world, for a sizable fraction of the cost.
Also important is the fact that admission into Ukranian medical schools does not require entrance examinations, a big deal when you consider that foreign counterparts like the US require the MCAT (Medical College Admission Test), likewise the UK’s UKCAT (United Kingdom Clinical Aptitude Test).
Not so shabby, no? We’ll see.
What else is great about Ukraine?
Its cost of living
Ukraine is a relatively cheap place to live, emphasis on the relative. To get a decent accommodation, fully furnished in places other than its capital Kiev like Chenrnihiv, Lviv, Rivne, can set you back around $250-$400 per month. While housing in its capital- Kiev can cost around $400-$600 per month.
This relative low cost stretches to its services, like haircuts, tailoring, manicures, shoe repairs.
The Ukranian transport system
Ukraine is navigable via trolleybus, tram, bus and in some parts, metros. These costs are also relatively low with a bus, metro or trolleybus ride within the city averaging around 8 UAH or ₦112.
The Ukranian Instagram flex is unmatched
Ukraine is full of historical sites which in millenial speak translates to hella Instagrammable spots.
Ukraine is home to 7 UNESCO world heritage sites, gorgeous cathedrals like Saint Sophia’s in Kiev. Museums, a dolphinarium and plenty historical buildings.
What’s not so great about Ukraine?
First off, Eastern Ukraine has spent the better part of the last six-years embroiled in a crisis. As of April 2020, the UN estimated that 3.4 million Ukranians were in need of humanitarian assistance. This means that a large portion of the country is displaced and in the middle of cripplng conflict.
I don’t know how else to put this but, racism and xenophobia are so entrenched in the Ukranian culture, it has its own Wikipedia page.
A quick scan through Nairaland, discussions with past inhabitiants of Ukraine and a simple Google search will reveal some overt and covert instances of racism in the country.
From locals giving non-locals a wide berth in public transportation, to targeted police attacks on immigrants. Worthy of note is that the Ukranian police is also notoriously corrupt and prone to asking and recieving bribes It is unrelenting and a scary situation to be in.
What Should I know about studying in Ukraine?
If you are undeterred by the bad,and wish to pursue an education in Ukraine, you should know:
Admission is gotten courtesy agents or contractors
As mentioned earlier, no admission examinations are required for medicine or engineering courses. However, a small business, based off of cheating aspiring students of their money, with no admission to show for it is brewing. Extra care should be taken to source admission from only well known agents.
There are English-speaking schools in the region
Learning Ukranian or Russian isn’t a prerequisite, as teaching programs allow for English language learning. However, a quick ask around revealed that some of the University tutors may not be entirely proficient in the English language, leading many students to source for translations to academic teachings on their own.
Visa requirements
You’re going to need to meet the following requirements before a Ukranian visa can be granted to you: an admission letter, valid passport, birth certificate, passport photograph, sponsorship letter, sponsor’s ID, sponsor’s bank statement, visa fee payment receipt, travel insurance, flight reservation, school leaving certificate and medical certificate.
Verdict?
Ukraine is a great, relatively priced country to gain quality education. However, this experience can be marred by the social and poltical challenges the country is currently grappling with. The choice is yours to determine if these circumstances will serve as a deterrent or no.
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The Zikoko Guide To Living Your Best Life While Single
People like to think of single people as eternally lonely, perpetually bored, and desperately (and diligently) hunting for attention. Well, that is propaganda. In real life single people are balling. If you’re single and you’re not balling then get a pen and paper because you’re about to get an education.
Here’s 6 steps to living your very best life as a single pringle.
1. Date yourself.
Remember all the ways you go above and beyond when you’re in a relationship? Do it again. But this time, do it for yourself. You are now the bae and the boo so spoil yourself and put yourself first.
2. Get to know yourself.
You think you do, but you really don’t. The thing with being in relationships is that you can very easily be eclipsed by what you both want as opposed to what you want. You spend so much time and energy meeting your partner halfway that you forget what way you would have taken if left on your own. So use this single time to discover yourself.
3. Learn a new skill.
Because the hustle continues and now you have time to pay attention to it and get better at it. Now is the time to focus on making yourself better. Being single clears up your schedule so well. You don’t have to meet up with anybody or stay online for anybody or run an errand for anybody or stalk anybody online to see if they are cheating. You can devote all that free time to learning a skill.
4. Spend time doing the things you enjoy
Do the things you enjoy doing. The things other people don’t get. The things that give you joy. Do all of them.
5. Hang out with your friends.
Both male and female friends, have more group hangouts with them. Go to all your favorite places and gist the night away over drinks and good food.
6. Enjoy your freedom
Because you are free my dear.
What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
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Things We’re Glad We Don’t Have To Worry About During Lockdown
We’re all for silver linings. The world could be burning and we’d somehow find a way to spin it into a happy story about bread taking less time to toast.
Which is why in the midst of the gloom and doom of a global pandemic, we’ve somehow found the good in things. Nothing more notably than in the things we thankfully, don’t need to stress about while we’re locked up at home:
Traffic
We’ll take a break, almost any break to not have to spend hours of our days behind the wheels of a car, praying for a miracle to get us home within two hours.
Waxing
There’s no need to wax. You’re locked down at home with no one to see it. #freethebush
Shaving
If you had to go to work and answer your supervisor complaining about the length of your the every five minutes, you wouldn’t have the chance to attempt to see if growing your beard would finally let it connect. Use this period wisely son!
Looking for outfits everyday
Now all you have to worry about are changing your boxers/wrappers regularly. You are changing your boxers/wrappers regularly, yes?
Styling your wig
Girl, if you don’t let your one month old all back flourish? Who’s looking at you during lockdown?
Combing your hair
Is this the period you discover how good you’ll look with baby dreadlocks? Try it out and see.
What are you grateful for in quarantine?
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If Your Love Language Is Physical Touch, How Are You Holding Up In Lockdown?
They say you can’t miss what you never had. (Un) Fortunately for us single pringles, while everyone is collectively worrying about issues like oil prices, practising safe social distancing and lockdown etiquette, we’re excused from worrying about another matter. One of the heart — being apart from your significant other while the coronavirus is contained.
If you’re one with an extreme case of gum-bodying, where physical touch is a primary love language, your case is definitely worse. While everyone is on the look out for Coronavirus symptoms, you’re proudly exhibiting traits of the IMMBD – I Miss My Baby disease.
We caught up with three people who shared their experiences being away from their significant others:
Layomi and Olanrewaju
We live on different continents, I’m in America, he’s in Nigeria, so we’ve been doing this long distance thing for a minute now. It doesn’t help that I’m such a physical person, I’ve had really down episodes where one of us has had to fly in to see the other one short notice because it gets very hard being apart.
With this virus though, that option is just gone. It’s a little harder not knowing the next time I’ll get to see him. We’re trying to remedy this with one of those pillows where if the other sleeps on it, the other would feel it on their end when they lay on it as well. But no one’s shipping to Nigeria and there’s no where he can get it from around him.
The overwheliming feeling is loneliness, no matter how many facetime conversations or movies you watch at the same, it’s just not the same.
Eric and Naajatu
I think my love language is more acts of service, but Naaj is so big on actual contact. Before the virus, she always insisted that we see twice during the week and spend weekends together.
We decided to quarantine apart because one, her parents would never allow her spend all that time with a man she wasn’t married to. And two, I start to feel very smothered when I’m around one person for toov long in the same space. That’s not to say I’m not in love, I just need my space.
So while I don’t mind this lockdown apart, I try to make it up to her by ordering food to her place and having online dinner with her. We have movie nights and we’re currently reading ‘Sapiens’ together. I like how things are currently, and honestly, I’m okay with whatever is decided on lifting or holding the lockdown.
Tiwalola and Gideon
When I say I am stressed. Before the lockdown, my boyfriend was my ride to and from work. He lives in VI, I’m in Lekki Phase one but our different offices are on the third round about. He would pick me from home and drop me off at the end of everyday. We were seeing each other just about every day of the week, and spending weekends together. Do you understand that?
Now I’ve seen him maybe three times during the lockdown. I’m worried about him journeying down here and I don’t want to put him at any risk. He’ll never let me come to meet him. So we’re just over dosing on video calls, Netflix Party and sending each other daily emails. It’s not a suitable substitute for physically being with him, but it’s better than nothing.
How are you holding up during the lockdown?
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#BumpThis: Brymo’s “Strippers + White Lines”
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a Friday series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
Brymo — “Strippers + White Lines”
Brymo, one of Nigeria’s most acclaimed singer-songwriters, just released his seventh studio album, Yellow, and “Strippers + White Lines” is its astounding lead single.
On the Mikkyme Joses-produced track, Brymo sings about his struggles with depression, his unhealthy coping mechanisms and fighting to find the light amidst all the darkness.
While it’s one of the more muted songs on the eclectic new album, “Strippers + White Lines” still beautifully continues Brymo’s tradition of being raw and unflinching with his music.
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5 Weird Reasons Why Yoruba People Throw Parties
Yoruba people are the kings of parties. Undisputed. They are the kind of people who will throw a party to celebrate the success of a previous party. And they ALWAYS go all out. Always. Aso ebi in place, excess food; most times, they even hire a live band. This list will show you a list of other things Yoruba people can throw a party for.
1. To celebrate a new transformer.
Ever been to a street where Yoruba people live? Ah, parte after parte every Saturday. Now imagine what will happen when such a street buys a transformer after a long period of darkness? Trust them to go all out.
2. When their child gains university admission.
In 100 level, this family cooked Jollof rice and invited people for their daughter’s matriculation ceremony. I can’t make this up. They came with their boot full of Jollof rice coolers. E shock me oh.
3. To remember their great grandparents who died thirty years ago.
There’s an expression for it: they want to turn the dead body to another side, in case the side that the body is lying on has begun to ache.
4. When they marry a second wife.
Celebrating the addition of a new member to the family.
5. When their child passes junior WAEC and is promoted to JSS1. Or when the child passes out of secondary school.
A friend’s family printed jotters and picked aso-ebi to celebrate their son’s great’s success. That was when I feared the people of my tribe.
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This Woman Just Completed A Solo Trip Around Nigeria And We’re Officially Stans!
We know the rona is currently standing in the way of many, many travel plans this year of our lord 2020; but if your name is Fatoki Omotoke and you started a mission to go round Nigeria, with its relative virus safety in 2019, you wouldn’t let that stop you.
So when she completed her journey around Nigeria on the 8th of March, after jumping buses, taxis and high tailing it on bikes in sometimes dangerous, but always exciting situation, we just had to give her the shout out she deserved.
We have our group trip – Jollof road, but for the solo traveller, keen on making amazing journies, here are Omotoke’s adventures.
At the Sultan of Sokoto’s Palace.
High tailing it at the German Bridge, Akwa Ibom.
Conquerous at Brass Island, Bayelsa State.
Kicking it in Kogi State.At the Emir’s Palace, Kano State.
Guys, look at Ado Awaye in Ibadan!
Out and about in Ijebu-Ode.
We loved following her travels! Make sure to follow her at @thattokelady to keep up with more of her adventures.
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Ultimate Love Day 12 Recap: New Love Guests And Some Friday Night Parte
Welcome to the daily Ultimate Love recap. Ultimate Love is the hottest reality show in town, and we’ll be giving you a recap of all the drama, the awwns and the ehyas. Stick around!
Before I get into the real gist of the day:
A counselor and matchmaking expert was in the house to talk to the Love Guests about conflict resolution and more about relationships. I guess the Love Guests enjoyed it because couples had some heart to heart discussion after he left.
Then three new Love Guests were brought to the love pad:
Aunty brought 3 new Love Guests to the house, I believe for Chris, Sylvia, and Jerry. Sylvia and Jerry wasted no time in approaching and getting to know the new guests, but Chris? I give up!
Seriously, Chris, what is you doing? Everyone was excited when new people entered, especially because of Chris. With the help of Jay and Nkechi, Chris discussed briefly with Chris Ville. She’s probably not used to chasing men, but we’ll need to hurry.
Parte after parte:
There was a Friday night party for the love guests and it was really fun oh. Omo, never knew these people could boogie like this.
Presh David gave us left right centre.
PreshDavid was the life of the party! They danced fire and hooked some cool moves in our veins. We deserve it!
Rosie sweetie, sorry your heart got broken but we needed this PreshDavid duo! Jerry didn’t let go of his new babe oh,
The moment Meriton – the new female guest was done meeting the old Love Guests, my guy Jerry, started moving to her bumper to bumper, to avoid another “I thy know” situation.
How you dance, when you finally meet the bae you’ve been searching for. Meanwhile, the new girl doesn’t send Jerry as much. It’s Jay she likes. Sorry, Jerry, it seems like looks are not everything.
Sylvia was not left out:
This one came off too strong, as usual. My girl tried to hook this new Love Guest – Chidi Bankz, with her premium whines at the party and that worked until he started getting slightly irritated.
Relax Sylvia, you can die on his matter without looking desperate, I promise.
New pairings and swapping
The people who are interested in swapping will have the opportunity to do so later today, and new pairs will be formed.
Come back tomorrow for more tea on that!
Every day at 5 pm, we’ll publish a new update on this show – complete with the drama, the awwns and the ehyas. You can read old updates, predictions and analysis here. Stick around!
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Ultimate Love Day 12 Recap: This Show Needs Boyfriend And Girlfriend Snatchers ASAP
Welcome to the daily Ultimate Love recap. Ultimate Love is the hottest reality show in town, and we’ll be giving you a recap of all the drama, the awwns and the ehyas. Stick around!
Let’s start with the men. Hmm.
During the chat with Aunty, all the men except Arnold and Jerry said they were happy with their partners. But I don’t trust these men. I know that David, Jay, Louis, and Kachi are putting in effort to know their partners and connect with them beyond the house. But you see others? Lewl.
Men cannot be trusted, yo. Arnold, you came all the way to settle?
Arnold did nothing but complain about Bolanle’s attitude throughout his session, but still insisted on not swapping. He’s not interested in swapping because he’s thinking of votes. Votes that we still won’t give him. Boy, bye.
Arnold, so you want to settle for someone you’re not physically attracted to just because of votes from viewers? Are we a joke to you? 
Jerry wants to swap, but Aunty is dulling him
Jerry isn’t happy with his choice of partner, he admitted to picking her because he didn’t want to go home after spending just two nights in the love pad (he joined the game late, remember?) he would have loved to be paired with any of his top choices – Nkechi, Rosie, and Presh, but they all seem to content with their current partners.
At this point, Aunty might need to legalize boyfriend/girlfriend snatching, since they’ve refused to swap. We need more drama infused into this show, that’s why we’re even here.
Aunty, please encourage boyfriend and girlfriend
Will Aunty ever stop encouraging those who aren’t pleased with their partners to continue to stay in relationships with them? Please, this people should not let ordinary pairing stop them from finding the loves of their life.
Who is open to swapping?
Bolanle and Jerry are open to swapping; I hope Aunty sorts them out soon. Can’t come all the way to be on live TV, only to settle for someone you don’t like. Issa no!
Bolar won the Games night
There was a gele tying contest at the Love Pad, and Chris was the judge. The guys had 30 mins to tie gele (headtie) for their partners.
Great, maybe men will finally get why it takes us like forever to get ready. This task definitely ended in headache for some of the girls,
Bolar (Bolanle and Arnold) won this task, and they got rewarded with private time in the love nest.
Dear Aunty, please free these people
Aunty said couples aren’t allowed to share beds, they kuku now turned the lounge area to their bedroom. MiCherry and Iykeresa spent the night on the couch and floor respectively so they can be close to their partners. I go love!
More drama, is that you?
Aunty is coming through with more drama, but you’ll have to come back for all the tomorrow.
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5 Things That Will Happen Now That Valentine’s Day Is Over
You know that our prophecies never fail. All through Valentine’s Day, our prophets were on the mountain, praying for divine revelation. Now they have brought it back. Are you ready for this tea?
1. A lot of true identities will be discovered.
“Dear Gloria. I never knew you were a harlot, but thankful to know the truth at last.”
2. Because true identities have been unmasked, a lot of people will find themselves single.
Why did I even spell coconut with my waist? Why did I ask my wife to use a butt plug on me and spank me? Why did I ask him to choke me?
3. Joro’s inbox will overflow with messages.
Dear Joro, I found a dildo in my husband’s bag. Dear Joro, my girlfriend is not satisfied with six rounds. Dear Joro, is it okay to let my husband urinate in my mouth?
4. A lot of bank accounts will be in Intensive Care Unit by now.
Debit after debit…
5. A lot of people will go on dates today.
And while eating, they will discover that they are actually the side piece and not the true love, because why didn’t this date happen yesterday?
And then in 2 seconds, everything go burst…
Did you read our prophecies about the new NYSC allowance? 10 Things That Will Happen Now That NYSC allowance is now 33k
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5 Fashion Items That Have Suffered In The Hands Of Nigerians
Do you want a fashion trend to blow up? Bring it to Nigeria. Do you want a fashion trend to suffer? Bring it to Nigeria. Here’s a list of fashion items Nigerians have worn to death.
1. Lemon green Balenciaga and the accompanying shorts.
The whole of Balenciaga has suffered in the hands of Nigerians, if we are to be honest.
2. Anything that has MARLIANS written on it.
It’s scary how these hideous things have flooded the market. All the more annoying because they’re obviously fake. Everything from jeans to hoodies to track pants now has Marlians written on it. Must be tragic to be a Marlian at this time.
3. Off-White clothes and sneakers.
We don’t want to mention names, but we’ve seen some people wearing OF-WHTIE, OFF-WIHTE, OFFF-WHIIT. Plis dears, we are tired.
4. THIS belt.
That’s it. That’s the message. This belt needs to go.
5. These slides.
Even Rihanna must be shocked.
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Quiz: Which Olamide Song Are You?
Olamide is one of the most consistent hit-making stars in the Nigerian music industry. Since his 2011 breakout album, Rapsodi, the Lagos-born rapper has worked hard to remain on top of the food chain.
To celebrate the release of his new project ‘999’, we have created this quiz to decide which one of his hit songs suits your personality.
Shall we?
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Valentine’s Day Through The Ages.
Valentine’s day is coming. But rather than ask where your boy/girlfriend is or how lonely you’ll be, we’re going to remind you of simpler times. When Valentine’s day was less roses and chocolates and more another day in February or a casual slump in your monthly allowance.
Here’s how Valentine’s day has transitioned for Nigerians from years before up until now:
In primary 3, wondering why your least favourite English teacher was rocking red and white clothes in February.
Really appropriating Santa’s culture like it was nothing.
When you learnt about St. Valentine in JSS 2 and wondered why anyone would celebrate someone’s death like that.
Y’all are really getting nasty on a death anniversary?
When you lose a little weight in SS 2 because you were saving your lunch money to buy your boyfriend something nice.
Too bad you eventually caught him at the back os the senior block with his ‘female bestie’.
Was a valentine’s day gift even anything without a card to go with it?
The cringier, the better.
In university, when you learnt the art of breaking up with your girlfriend before Valentine’s to save money.
You did what you had to. (Doesn’t mean you don’t suck)
By Year 3, when your talent for hiking up fees and book prices is completed to cover Valentine’s Day.
It be like that sometimes.
Learning the important tool of unlooking as a corper, when social media blows up on social media.
You and who has money to buy a car as a gift for Instagram?
Pretending to want to go out on Valentine’s Day after a hard day of work and traffic.
When really, sleep is calling your full government name.
How has Valentine’s day changed for you growing up?
While you’re thinking on that, calm your nerves with our blind date trailer. The first episode comes out on Valentine’s Day, 2020.
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10 Common Lies Nigerians Tell
In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told at least half of them in your lifetime. Ole ni everybody.
1. “I’m already on the bike.”
When they’ve not even left the house.
2. “Hello? Hello? Ah, this network is bad o.”
Especially when it’s time to talk about their debts.
3. “It’s not even the stolen iPhone X that pained me. It’s my SIM card.”
You mean your free Glo SIM card? Abegi shut up.
4. “Your clothes will be ready next week.”
The trademark lie of Nigerian tailors.
5. “I’m not even pained by the break-up. I just want to know who they are dating now.”
Just say it’s paining you. We will understand.
6. “I used to come first back then in secondary school.”
Nigerian parents, hello.
7. “Oga, climb the bike. I sabi the place well-well.”
Hausa bike riders when they’re about to ‘lost’ you.
8. “We’ll just cuddle, nothing more.”
That’s how someone I know started cuddling a pregnancy.
9. “It will not come out in the exam.”
But it’s question one and compulsory.
10. “I am not aware of any Social Media Bill.”
The role model we all look up to.
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5 Pictures That Perfectly Describe Saturdays In A Nigerian Household
Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings.
1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM.
In which your parents can slap you for dozing, not singing out loud enough, not praying properly.
2. After prayers come the house chores.
In which doing the laundry ranks as number one, followed by sweeping, dusting the house, washing plates.
3. Cleaning your room.
Otherwise no breakfast for you.
4. Pap for breakfast.
A Saturday morning delicacy in every Nigerian household.
5. Homework time.
There’s never time to play on a Saturday. You must focus on your books, bring home that first position, and go ahead to become a doctor.
We made a list of annoying house chores everyone hated as a child. Have you read it?
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All The Many Questions That Come To Mind When Starting A New Job
“Congratulations, you got the job.” comes with its own brand of anxiety.
That’s when imposter syndrome from your village people comes out to visit, asking questions like: “can you perform? how long before they discover that you are a fraud?”
There are also other problems more work-related with a new 9-5, especially in Nigeria. So, what are some of these issues?
Where do they sell food?
See, I don’t joke with food and neither should you. It’s quite important to find out on the very first day of starting at a new job where they sell the sweetest yet affordable food. Never allow capitalism to win.
How many toilets are there?
For people like us who have shy sphincters, we need time, music, and enough privacy to do our business. You don’t want a situation where people are knocking on the door because there is only one toilet in the office. I even advise that one of the interview questions to ask is: “how many toilets do you have in the company?”
Hope they don’t owe salary?
Affliction shall never rise again. Especially if you have experienced that kind of situation in the past. This is one of the many questions that nags at the back of your mind.
Okay, what time do we close?
There are some 24-hour jobs disguised as 9-5. So, part of the questions on your mind is that hope this one isn’t one of those.
Is there December bonus?
Pls, help. Thanks and God bless.
What’s the cost of transportation?
Is there holdup on my work route? Do I need 5 buses, I boat, 2 flying carpets before I get to work and how much of my salary goes to that?
I hope they acknowledge public holidays?
If your profession is under essential categories such as healthcare, police, banker, etc. Just don’t bother, your reward is in heaven.
Are there boundaries? especially with food.
I genuinely hope no one steals lunch or takes my drink without my permission. There is nothing more stressful than obnoxious colleagues.
Can we work from home?
Please. I can’t do traffic struggles. Please.
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5 Things Every Woman Struggling To Grow Her Hair Can Relate With.
There are very few things as triggering for women as the topic of hair. Whether its weaves, weave length, wigs, the great frontal V closure debate; there’s always something to talk about.
Now if extensions are topic enough to get women riled up about hair, wait till you get to the topic of the very hair that grows off the scalp. Worse if you have short hair.
Here are 5 things you absolutely can relate to if you’re a woman going through the struggle of growing your hair:
When you’re hard at work in front of your computer, but you’re really watching Youtube hair tutorials.
When you catch people looking at your hair and you start explaining (unprovoked) how you had long hair in Nursery 3.
The envy in your heart when notice your friends that did the big chop three months ago, are already sporting big afros.
Your hair when it notices you want to put another rose water and river sheen mixture on it.
If you’re natural, when the frustration wants to finish you and you start looking at relaxer like:
Ladies, what’s the most frustrating thing about growing your hair out?
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‘I Already Made Plans This Weekend’ And Other Lies Homebodies Tell.
In no particular order, the top three feelings in the world are:
Receiving credit alerts
Having a test cancelled that you didn’t prepare for
Staying home the whole weekend after cancelling plans with the 7 friends and two family members you swore you’d hang out with.
Now money in undefeated and that test thing is also fire; but you see that last one?
There’s no one that likes cancelled plans like homebodies. They know every trick in the book to get out of planned trips, events, hell even Bible study. Here are some OG lies homebodies have told to get out of plans:
I have a date that weekend.
Meanwhile, third-year singledom anniversary is next week.
Sorry, I have to teach my brother his hundred, tens and units.
I thought your brother was in SS3?
You said Sunday? I might be sick that day oh!
Forecasted sicknesses are a thing, look them up!
I have choir practice.
Wait, I thought you were Muslim.
I have to service my Blackberry.
Oh, you didn’t know that was a thing? It fully is.
What’s the worst lie you’ve told to get out of plans?
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We Made A List Of All The Reasons Nigeria Is Sucking In 2020.
I know it’s only been 36 days, but man. Nigeria is going through it this 2020.
From bans to a level of insecurity that makes you want to tape your eyes open at night; here are some of the worst things about living in Nigeria in 2020 so far:
Insecurity.
Nigeria’s insecurity is spiking at an alarming rate, and with very few measures in place to curb it; the only place for this level of insecurity to go is up. We’re witnessing everything from kidnappings, robberies and murders. January 8th saw the kidnap of four seminarians from a seminary in Kaduna State; one of whom – Michael Nnadi was recently killed as a result. He was only 18 years old.
Leah Sharibu’s abandonment.
You’ll remember Leah as the Dapchi schoolgirl kidnapped in 2018, whose refusal to renounce Christianity in captivity, prevented her release. You’ll remember, but perhaps the government has forgotten.
In January 2020, news of her conversion to Christianity, marriage to a Boko Haram commander and the birth of a child made the rounds. She is only 16 years old.
Lagos State okada ban.
As if our problems weren’t enough, the Lagos State went Dj Khaled on us, dropping another one, by banning kekes and motorcycles from plying major roads starting February 2020.
Market Fires.
We’ve had the Balogun fire, Idumota fire, Amu market fire to name a few in just the first two months of 2020. This is going to be a long year.
Coronaviruses and self-quarantines.
How does Nigeria handle a deadly communicable virus, yet to find a cure or vaccine? By telling its citizens returning from China and other exposed countries to practice self-quarantine. We couldn’t make this up if we tried.
Nigeria’s visa bans.
Uninterested in receiving Nigeria’s bad vibes, the United States was first to place a ban on certain visas for Nigerians in on February 1st; while China has followed suit, using the containment of the coronavirus as reason for stopping the issuance of visas.
Tarkwa Bay eviction.
If you needed additional proof that the government is completely unfeeling towards the plight of its citizens, look no further than the residents of Tarkwa Bay who, early in the year were evicted from the only home they’ve known for decades without any compensation or alternative shelter provided.
We still don’t have light.
It’s 2020 and Nigeria still can’t hack 24-hour light or the maintenance of its National grid. The national grid has so far collapsed twice in the year 2020. Again, we’re just 36 days in friends.
We have this … individual as senator.
Honourable Ado Doguwa, the majority leader in the House of Representatives, doing probably the only thing we’ll remember him for in his tenure, ladies and gentlemen.
The social media ban denial.
Should we be thankful that the country is at least scared of the international backlash of a social media bill; or should we be angry that Nigerian anger isn’t enough to make the government act right?
Here’s our Minister of Information denying something he very clearly denying the social media ban he personally affirmed in December.
Elisha Abbo is still a senator.
Why? Right answers only from the Nigerian government.
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7 Moments In Life When It’s Perfectly Okay To Be Half-Naked In Public
Nudity or being half-naked is greatly frowned upon. Well, unless under certain circumstances and events. This just goes to show that almost all of life is contextual so don’t tight everything to your chest. So, when is it acceptable to be half-naked in public?
Let’s begin:
1) Buying jeans at Yaba market:
I repeat: Yaba market is the only place you can casually take off your cloth and no one bats an eye. To protest against cloth removal can be dangerous self.
2) Fighting in Lagos traffic:
No one takes you seriously in Lagos if you don’t pull off your cloth to fight. The number of removed clothing items equals the level of seriousness to the cause. There is only one rule which is that there is no rule.
3) Playing football:
Players pull off their shirts in front of hundreds of thousands of people and we all casually accept it. Okay oh.
4) After fainting in public:
The only first aid Nigerians know how to do for someone who loses consciousness is to remove/loosen your clothes. Next “first aid” is to ask: “did you do aboshan?”
5) When you need to curse Lagos Government on your trek home:
After walking a distance that could easily have been covered by bikes, in between pitying yourself, I implore you to loosen three buttons and call the name of the Government and state your grievances. Chances are almost everyone on the road is doing the same. So, no one is batting an eyelid or looking at you weirdly.
6) When you are performing for your fans:
Remove shirt – check
Jump around the stage – double check
7) Boxing match:
The best job in the world and this is better than remote work. Working from underpants is a huge mood. Dear employer, when can we start wearing only boxers to work?
