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General | Page 14 of 15 | Zikoko!
  • Horror Story: That Time I Lost My Mom’s Money In The Market

    Horror Story: That Time I Lost My Mom’s Money In The Market

    There I was jejely playing with my toys o.

    And having a fantastic time with my friends.

    That’s how my mom said she was going to the market and I jumped up to do follow follow.

    When she told me to ‘go and wear your shoe’, I was like:

    Long story short, I followed her to the market o.

    When we finished parading the length and breadth of the market, we finally got better trader.

    She calculated our goods and it was time for us to pay, when my mom asked “Where’s the money?”

    By this time my heart was already beating very fast, but I managed to ask ‘erm, what money ma?’

    Apparently she had knotted the money in my scarf.

    And me I just saw one yamma yamma knot and loosened it on the way to the market.

    My mom was so mad, she was actually shaking!

    People were now begging her not to beat me in the market.

    When we got home, she beat…… let’s not talk about that one here.

    Later, a neighbor and friend was now gisting me about how people were picking someone’s missing money on the road in front of her house.

  • The Worst Beating I Ever Got in Secondary School

    The Worst Beating I Ever Got in Secondary School

    So I was the funny guy in my crew, ladies loved me, it was my gift you know.

    My problem started one day I was doing my usual funny guy work oh: I don’t even like remembering this story.

    So I set biro for somebody… in my military school.

    Soldiers were now passing on my corridor when he started shouting anyhow!

    Jesus! There was no beg I didn’t beg this guy to keep quiet o!

    For where? As soon as they entered my class, my guy just increased the volume.

    The soldiers sharply decoded and looked at each other like:

    If you’ve never been beaten by soldiers, please thank your God oh!

    Brethren, they beat me like a thief in Idumota!

    Me, after they battered my small body finish.

    People that saw me after started asking if I was involved in an accident.

    If you have your secondary school beating stories, please share!!!

  • That Time My Secondary School Senior Tried To Toast Me

    1. So I went for a party a few weeks ago.

    Fun times!

    2. To catch some fun and dance away my sorrows.

    It’s necessary oh!

    3. I had just bumped into my ex boyfriend a few days earlier.

    Wretched guy!

    4. And not only was he looking happy and relaxed, he even had a new girlfriend.

    Imagine!

    5. Needless to say, I was in need of cheering up!

    As a matter of necessity!

    6. Anyway, the party was grooving.

    Nice one!

    7. The music was popping.

    The DJ must have studied DJ-ism!

    8. The drinks were flowing.

    9. My make up was on fleek!

    I was too hot to handle!

    10. All of a sudden a sexy voice said in my ear “hello you look nice”.

    Could this be the start of something new?

    11. I almost shivered and died of excitement but I had to compose myself.

    I immediately had to form big babe!

    12. I said “thank you” in my “fine boy is talking to you, you better compose” voice.

    Very sweet voice!

    13. We danced to a few songs.

    Obviously this man wants me to have his children!

    14. And whispered and giggled to each other all night.

    Sweet love is in the air!

    15. Then I realised the time was far spent and I had to go!

    Wow!  Is this where it all ends?

    16. So he offered to walk me outside to my taxi so he could get my number!

    Thank God!

    17. As soon as we got outside and the light hit him, I froze!

    AH!

    18. No it couldn’t be!

    Say it isn’t so!

    19. Ah! yes it was!

    Ye it is oh!

    20. I just shouted “Senior Emeka so it’s you”.

    Can you imagine?

    21. This almost romantic encounter of mine used to be my senior in secondary school!

    Look at life!

    22. He would send my friends and I to fetch his bathing water and wash his clothes.

    Imagine all that stress!

    23. He even used to take our meat and plantain sometimes during lunch and dinner!

    That’s why some of us are so short! No protein!

    24. Now he was asking when he could see me again.

    See who?

    25. Before he realised what was going on I pulled his lips and knocked his fat head.

    Foolish fellow!

    26. That was for all the suffering he put me through in secondary school!

    He deserved worse sef!

    27. Then I hopped into my taxi and left while he was wondering what exactly had just happened.

    Bye bye!

    28. See you again in your dreams, Senior Emeka!

    Because every day for the thief, one day for the owner!
  • The Worst Job Interview In The World

    The Worst Job Interview In The World

    1. So I had been job hunting for over a year.

    Walking up and down my state!

    2. I had become a prayer warrior.

    Going to church 4 times a week.

    3. My mother had been running from pillar to post trying to help me get a job.

    Like a headless chicken!

    4. All those uncles that said “call me when you graduate” were nowhere to be found.

    They had all disappeared. Professionals in the art of promise and fail!

    5. I applied everywhere, to places I was qualified and otherwise.

    Something will fall in place!

    6. I even ran for election.

    And lost, woefully!

    7. That’s how all of a sudden I got a phone call inviting me for an interview.

    PRAIIISEEEE GOD!

    8. I first did my special celebration dance.

    As a Michael Jackson apprentice!

    9. Then I started preparing for my interview.

    Fail to plan is plan to fail!

    10. I first spent 30 minutes ironing just the collar of my shirt.

    Carefully!

    11. Then another one hour ironing the remaining part.

    I must shine.

    12. I went over my CV and cover letter again.

    Cannot miss anything before they think I’m a fraud!

    13. Then went to sleep early so that I can be refreshed and renewed for my interview the next day.

    Beautiful sleep for a beautiful me!

    14. The next day I woke up early and made plans to to the office 2 hours before my interview.

    The early bird gets the worm!

    15. Before I left my mother made me a nice cup of tea and prayed for me.

    Sweet mother!

    16. After waiting for about an hour I was invited in for my interview.

    Finally!

    17. That was the beginning of my trouble.

    Na wa oh!

    18. Everything was going well for the first few minutes of the interview.

    This job is mine!

    19. Then all of a sudden, my stomach started making one funny noise.

    Ah! God don’t let my enemies disgrace me.

    20. The interviewer was looking at me like:

    “What is this one?”

    21. Before I could answer another question, one funny noise came from my stomach, followed by a strong smell.

    Ahhhh!

    22. My interviewer looked like he was about to pass out.

    God oh!

    23. I didnt know if I should pretend I had no idea of what was happening or start begging.

    What should I do?

    24. After struggling for another minute, my stomach made another sudden sound followed by an even worse smell.

    Wow! So this is how my enemies set leg for me?

    25. At that point my interviewer quickly ended the interview and opened his windows.

    See disgrace!

    26. I ran out of the office full of shame and embarrassment.

    Is this my life?

    27. When I got home and told my mum, she said “ah maybe it’s because of the detox tea I gave you before you left”.

    What?

    28. Needless to say I didn’t get the job.

    Shame!

    29. And I no longer trust anything my mother gives me to eat or drink before I need to go somewhere important!

    No thanks!
  • My Horrible Rub And Shine Experience In Secondary School

    1. So after forming bad guy for me, my secondary school crush finally talked to me.

    Finally!

    2. I was watching him play deliciously on the basketball field and the ball got thrown towards me.

    Freshest boy in school.

    3. His voice when he said ‘please throw the ball here’ was so full of promises.

    My heart!

    4. So I decided that night I’d package myself well for the next day.

    Taking it to the next level.

    5. But first, I had to get 4 buckets of bath water for that extra shine.

    Because I have to look popping.

    6. But when I got to the tap, I met like 100 other people.

    What is this one?

    7. I now spotted many wicked seniors who must have been slave traders in their past lives.

    Very wicked people!

    8. As I turned to run, one of them saw me. Brethren it was a sad day.

    Why are these seniors unfortunate like this?

    9. After I had carried plenty buckets for the senior, I managed to get one bucket of water that I could jejely manage.

    This life!

    10. I padlocked the water under my bed and had my beauty sleep for my crush.

    Let me prepare myself for slay.

    11. I now woke up late because I was dreaming of this boy! I pulled out my bucket to bath and it was…empty!

    My enemies are at work o!

    12. I now had to start begging for one bowl of water from my friends to bathe.

    Help my situation, abeg.

    13. As it was almost time for breakfast, I ran outside to sharply have my bath.

    Before house mistress brings her wahala.

    14. You see, it was harmattan season, so the water was basically iced water!

    Unfortunate weather.

    15. After shaking for like 50 mins, I finally started doing my rub and shine. That’s how I saw the house mistress coming.

    I’m finished today.

    16. See, I don’t even remember how I flew inside the hostel with soap on my body.

    Who wants to be expelled?

    17. And me, I will never use that dirty place they called a bathroom.

    God forbid!

    18. Long story short, I had to wipe my soapy body with towel like that o!

    A shameful experience, indeed.

    19. As I was wearing my uniform they started shouting ‘Out of the hostel!’.

    I’m in soup o!

    20. I couldn’t even use my vaseline and ended up looking like:

    No  more slay.
  • That Time I Disgraced Myself At A Fashion Boutique

    That Time I Disgraced Myself At A Fashion Boutique

    So a few days after I got paid I was feeling like a boss.

    Biggest babe!

    And I decided that I was going to treat myself to a shopping spree.

    Because I’ve got money!

    So I walked into a store that I had admired from afar with confidence and pride.

    Swaggiest baby girl in the nation!

    I looked at the prices of one or two things and realised that I could really go on a spree.

    YESSSS!!

    So I picked up about 12 items and then went to the dressing room to do my own personal fashion show.

    I was looking too fabulous.

    Because I’m such a hottie almost all the clothes fit me really well.

    I mean what did you expect.

    When I came out I caught 2 of the sales girl giving me a side eye.

    Ahn ahn?

    I started to get the vibe that they felt their shop was too good for me.

    Ok. Very what? Very good

    I knew I was going to show them.

    Because shame to bad people!

    So I carried my items with me and cat-walked again to the till.

    Because I’m that chick!

    The sales girl started checking out the clothes and that’s where my problem started.

    Sigh!

    All of a sudden I started seeing big big numbers on the till.

    Eh!

    Apparently the first outfit I had picked was from the 70% off sales rack.

    Ah!

    As I figured this out the number on the till was still rising.

    Oh my God!

    So I started forming like there were things I didn’t notice about the clothes.

    Yes oh!

    First I said I wanted to know if they had one dress in a different colour.

    “Maybe aquamarine fondant yellow or burnt iced red.”

    Then I said one suit had an odd fit.

    “The trousers are a bit too snug around my hips.”

    Then I said one skirt was too short.

    “I just don’t want to be indecent.”

    Meanwhile the other sales girls were looking at me like:

    What a shame!

    I ignored them and continued my nonsense till I had reduced my items to two..

    Yup!

    And the only reason I didn’t go down to one was so I wouldn’t be such a blatant cheapskate.

    Before those sales girls start laughing at me.

    So I happily handed over my card only for it to be declined!

    Hay God!

    They tried again, and the same thing happened.

    Why me?

    I just had to mumble excuses and run out of there with whatever shame I had left.

    Very fast!

    And till date I have not been able to go back into that store!

    Because once bitten, twice shy.
  • That Time I Disgraced Myself At The Gym

    That Time I Disgraced Myself At The Gym

    So a few months after my boyfriend broke up with me, I bumped into him at a restaurant!

    Oh no!

    He was with one hot babe, looking happy and satisfied!

    Can you imagine?

    Meanwhile I had been crying day and night.

    As if somebody died!

    Eating every and anything edible.

    Kai!

    And generally behaving like the world had come to an end.

    What is this world without love?

    After seeing him looking so happy and satisfied I decided to change.

    If he can move on, so can I!

    So the first thing I decided to do was join a gym.

    And become the hottest babe in Nigeria!

    When I got there I saw so many men looking delicious.

    Hunks everywhere!

    I decided I must impress them by force, by fire.

    Yes oh!

    So first I spent some time stretching.

    Before muscle pull would come and finish me on one machine.

    Right after that, I got on a treadmill.

    To run from my problems.

    After a leisurely 3 minute stroll, I decided to increase the speed and incline.

    Because I’m the baddest babe.

    After 2 minutes and 11 second, I was like:

    Hayyy I have entered one chance.

    After 2 minutes and 53 seconds I was like:

    Somebody please help me.

    By the time I got to 3 minutes and 5 seconds I knew I had to stop:

    It’s all over oh!

    People of God that is how I fell on the treadmill oh!

    See shame oh!

    All of a sudden I was surrounded by a few of the gym hunks, who had rushed over to see if I was okay.

    Hmm could this be my silver lining?

    One of them said “you should really take it easy if you haven’t done this before”.

    Uncle is that what we are talking about now?

    I even heard a few laughing.

    Will this shame never end?

    When I finally stood up, I saw my ex staring right at me!

    HAYYYYYYYY!What is this one doing here?

    Before I could collapse from shame all over again I hobbled out of that place.

    Na wa oh!

    I have never gone back to that gym.

    So that they can point and laugh at me abi?

    And I blame it on that my useless ex boyfriend.

    Wretched guy!
  • How A Bank Cashier Was Trying To Toast Me

    How A Bank Cashier Was Trying To Toast Me

    So one onigbese finally returned my money after all these days and I went to the bank to deposit it.

    Yassss! Pay day!!!

    But we know Nigerian banks are stressful, with their halls that are always looking like this…

    ‘No money’ ‘no money’, but you people will not stay in your house abi?

    I just jejely joined a queue as long as River Niger.

    I’m not liking this wahala at all o!

    After forever, it was finally my turn.

    Praise the Lord!

    That’s how one man just came from no where thinking he can chance me.

    Who is this unku please? Because you carry big money? Abeg join queue jare!

    The male cashier started answering him and just ignored me!

    Diaris God o!

    How the cashier looked at me when I gave him my 3k deposit…

    ‘What’s all this nonsense?’

    But money is money in this economy, so me sef I was like…

    Ehen? Kiloshele?!

    After giving me ela earlier, he now wanted to start forming conversation with me.

    After wasting my whole day? Oga just calculate my money lemme gerrarahia.

    How I smiled at him when I saw that he was a fine guy sha…

    See fresh fish!

    When I realized he wrote his phone number on my receipt…

    Ahn ahn, brother, because of ordinary smile?

    And I even saw a ring on that finger.

    Don’t kobalize me please.

    I just threw his number away and went to my house.

    Lemme go and sleep.
  • How My Primary School Boyfriend Broke My Heart

    How My Primary School Boyfriend Broke My Heart

    So when I was in primary 2 I was in love.

    Best boy!

    I fell in love with one small rascal in my class, Ladi.

    My boo!

    Ladi was the class sweetheart. All the girls in our class were chasing him like:

    Greedy girls oh! All of them!

    But I was the smartest, cutest, most beautiful, amazing little girl in primary 2.

    Most fabulous!

    So I told him he was my boyfriend by force and he agreed.

    “We must be together!”

    We used to share our snacks during break time.

    Every single day!

    When it was time to play games we would partner with each other.

    Of course, before another girl will start playing with him oh!

    And we used to sit beside each other during art class.

    Picasso and Van Gogh!

    We were very happy.

    Very very happy!

    But then I was sick and had to stay at home for a few days.

    A serious case of cough and cold.

    When I came back from my sick bed I was in for a shock!

    Hmm! You people come and see something!

    Ladi my true love, was sharing his ribena and biscuit with my best friend Ireti!

    Betrayers!

    I couldn’t focus when we were doing multiplication.

    Who can multiply when their heart is broken?

    When we were doing comprehension and composition I was still in shock.

    How could they do that to me?

    For 3 days I could not watch cartoons or play outside.

    I was just thinking about my life!

    But then two Saturdays after, at a birthday party, I won the dancing competition and Ireti was crying because she lost so I was happy!

    I am still the queen!
  • The Time Fashion Failed Me Woefully

    The Time Fashion Failed Me Woefully

    So I had a party to attend one day.

    Gbedu!!

    And I heard some of my enemies would be in attendance.

    Yes oh! All those bad belle people!

    So I decided I would show them that I am chopping life and living well!

    Enemies will never win!

    That’s how I squeezed myself inside one dress and did my make up

    Looking like take away!

    When I got there I was ready to show myself.

    Baddest

    So I entered the dance floor with style.

    With all pomp & pageantry!

    And started breaking it down.

    Hot stepper!

    I was giving them “notice me moves”.

    Yes. Look at me!

    I even did some of my Michael Jackson moves.

    Kimmon!

    Everybody loved it. They even started clapping for me!

    “Wow! See moves! Ahn ahn!”

    Then I spotted my enemies from across the room looking at me with envy.

    I see you looking at me!

    So I decided to go and say “hello”.

    “So how are you bad belle people this fine day?”

    As I was walking towards them, one of my heels broke!

    Enemies at work oh!

    And before I knew it I was on the floor.

    AH! Somebody look at these people’s handwork!

    From the floor I could hear my enemies laughing!

    After all my planning look at life oh!

    To reduce my shame I pretended to faint and waited till an ambulance came to carry me away.

    Yes oh! So I should stand up in front of all those people abi?

    Since that time whenever I see any of those enemies they look at me like:

    Laughing like hyenas.

    I don’t even know what was funny I almost died oh!

    But for the grace of God go I!

    But I will still show them sha!

    Because I am badder than!
  • You Need To Adopt These Baby Elephants Right Now

    You Need To Adopt These Baby Elephants Right Now

    This is Ambo

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BIKo2WhB5B_/

    And these are Roi and Ndotto

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BH5zCzmBUhE

    Ah, you must also meet this fella who’s in a awful hurry

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BHDi36Gh1CJ/

    These guys are Mbegu, Kauro and Kamok

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BIWX3_ShkoC/

    They, with all the other baby elephants, live at the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, in Nairobi, Kenya

    Such adorable creatures

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BG4d6xfAUN3/

    We have a special thing, you and me

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BHud4NQB3XY/

    Just look at that

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BHImhb3hvvr/

    These are the cutest baby elephants you have ever seen

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BFc-F9pgUIQ/

    But they have a really important story that more people should hear about

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BGYLA8kgUFN/

    Tens of thousands of elephants are killed each year by poachers, who hunt them for ivory. According to research, up to 100,000 African elephants were killed between 2011 and 2014 alone

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BHPpBBkBqzW/

    Elephant tusks do not grow out properly until they get older, so poachers generally ignore the calves. But once their tusks (which are really modified inscisors in the upper jaw) become noticeable, they become targets for poachers

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BIjJK_EBsZo/

    It’s really grotesque, what these poachers do

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BGyIxgAAUNu/

    As if killing mature elephants for ivory wasn’t bad enough, their deaths mean that the young elephants are left to fend for themselves. Baby elephants need their mother’s milk exclusively for two years, and partially till they are four. If they aren’t rescued, they almost certainly die

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BFkhN2XgULL/

    Conservation organisations like the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust rescue these orphan elephants and raise them till they are old enough to live independently

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BHGUOvmhpFw/

    Many of them have been re-released into the wild

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BHLQ7V7BzSh/

    And re-united with their families

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BGj4zaZAUBy/

    And these guys, the anti-poaching rangers, do everything they can to make sure that poachers don’t get to them

    It’s very good but very hard work. Elephant conservation organisations like the DSWT need your help. Donations go a long way

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BIC9yu4BWrU/

    You can also help by educating the people around you about elephant conservation and the dangers of poaching

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BH-KViuhb4D/
    Find out more about elephant poaching, and how you can help preserve these magnificent creatures. And don’t forget to share.
  • My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date

    My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date

    My parents are quite strict, so when I got to University I decided to really enjoy myself!

    Time to let loose!

    Going out late.

    Fun times.

    Eating what I liked when I liked.

    Sweet food!

    One day, one fine 300 level guy I had become friendly with asked me out.

    Fine boy!

    Me, on the outside:

    Cool. Calm. Collected.

    Me, on the inside:

    OMG! OMG! OMG!

    The day of the date I was so excited.

    So excited!

    I wore my favourite dress, highest shoes and looked like a bad ass.

    Really feeling myself!

    Everything was going great; the conversation, the ambience.

    This is excellent!

    After a while the waiter started walking towards us with our food.

    Finally!

    Out of nowhere, this man tripped!

    HAYYYY!!

    And I was covered in a shower of rice and stew, plantain and chapman.

    I was wearing what I was supposed to eat.

    My date had a blank stare on his face for about 3 seconds.

    “What just happened?”

    Then he started laughing!

    Oh my God!

    I was so embarrassed! And I think 2 grains of rice were stuck in my false eyelashes

    Let the floor swallow me please. Its better!

    I almost started crying but I had to hold it all in.

    As per form big girl.

    I didn’t even get a kiss goodbye from my date!

    So I will stain his outfit with stew abi? No way oh!

    Me whenever my friends suggest we go back to that restaurant:

    So my shame can be complete abi? Useless people
  • How My Nigerian Parents Met My Boyfriend

    How My Nigerian Parents Met My Boyfriend

    So l had been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year.

    Sweet and juicy love!

    And so he said it was a good time for him to meet my parents.

    Ehn?

    And because I have crazy Nigerian parents, we planned and plotted for almost 2 weeks so nothing would go wrong.

    Its not easy like that oh!

    I even prayed and fasted just in case.

    One week dry fasting so even heaven knows that I’m serious.

    The great day arrived and I was so nervous and stressed.

    What am I doing for goodness sake?

    Unfortunately (or fortunately), after all my planning my parents were stuck in traffic.

    So I have to do another prayer again?

    So after waiting for 3 hours, my boyfriend and I gave up on waiting.

    Abeg we cannot come and die oh!

    I escorted him to the car and kissed him goodbye (a bit too passionately but that is young sweet love).

    Sweetest love!

    Lo and behold, I turned around and saw my parents standing in front of the gate, looking at the both of us.

    HAYYYY!

    My mother was like:

    Shame on you!

    My father was like:

    “This girl has spoilt oh!”

    My boyfriend was like:

    He could not even talk. Mumu!

    I was like:

    Why always me oh? Why always me?

    That’s how I started stammering and trying to introduce this man that was licking my mouth and holding my waist.

    “P-P-Please allow me explain”

    Before I could even explain properly my mother was like:

    Ah! Yes ma! Sorry ma!

    My father was like:

    Ewo!

    My father even chased him away.

    It was so embarrassing!

    It took me a while to explain and explain that they “caught us at a bad time” and he’s a really great person.

    Please you people come and see my life outside oh.

    And they even finally agreed to meet him properly.

    Ayyyyy finally!

    BUT they still refer to him as “that one that was biting your mouth outside our gate abi?”

    Can you imagine?
  • My (Almost) Sugar Daddy And Me

    My (Almost) Sugar Daddy And Me

    I had just been promoted at work, so I went to have lunch somewhere very nice to congratulate myself.

    Yass!

    I really enjoyed myself oh, eating and overeating sef.

    Is it your promotion? Allow me jere!

    When it was time to pay, the waiter told me my bill had been taken care of and a “really nice man” wanted to appreciate me.

    Oh?

    What I was hoping to see:

    Yes sir, Anything you want sir.

    What I saw:

    Ah! Maybe not.

    This big daddy waddled to me and without any wasting of time, told me he is ready to take care of me.

    You mean am?

    I told him “no thank you” and tried to pay him back the money.

    Baba carry your wahala and go oh!

    He refused oh and started promising to fly me all around the world, buy me things and show me a good time.

    Ahn ahn! Is it by force?

    Me:

    Oga go and fry this your dodo elsewhere!

    Before I could even say anything again I just heard one booming voice “EHEN CLETUS SO THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE?”

    EWO!

    My almost sugar daddy’s wife had come to fight him oh!

    Kasala don burst!

    Before I could run away she had carried water and poured on me and started calling me “husband snatcher”.

    Which kind of problem is this?

    Ah! Before she carried food to add and pour on me I ran out of the place with speed and alacrity!

    Somebody help me!

    That’s how I had to go back to the office looking like shame and regret.

    This is not the life I was promised!

    Since that day this is me when any older looking man smiles at me:

    It’s not me you people will kill!
  • The Struggles Of Being Romantic In Lagos

    The Struggles Of Being Romantic In Lagos

    So that’s how one Lagos boy just finished watching a nollywood romance movie and started feeling inspired

    It’s time to move to the next level.

    So he does more “research” and plots and plans like a real Lagos boy

    It’s a serious matter!

    He first takes one babe for a picnic in the park

    Eat. Love. Nature…. “romantic sometings”.

    But then all the insects in Lagos decide to join them

    Na wa for Lagos nature oh.

    On to the next babe… because he has many.

    Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

    He decides to take the next babe on a long drive

    Love in the time of potholes.

    But then they enter one deadly traffic

    Mo daran!

    Then he decides to up his game and write her a “not so anonymous” anonymous letter

    Shakespeare abeg shift, the real writers are here!

    Only for her to complain that one idiot wrote her an anonymous letter talking rubbish

    Can you imagine? After all his hard work oh.

    Then he battles another traffic just to play romantic music outside her window

    This one must click.

    Only to get to her gate and hear “ah madam said I should say she is not around oh”

    You say what?

    Then finally he tries to do a real romance and kiss in the rain

    Come on baby!

    Only for her to start shouting that he ruined her hair and now she has cattarh

    Aunty you will not kill someone sha!

    So he decides to give up and goes back to his normal level of late night call, credit and shawarma

    Son of man cannot come and go and die. Not everything is for everybody abeg!

    Moral of the story; not everytime copy-cata, sometimes face your front

    Leave romance for nollywood, biko.
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  • Is Doctor Ounce right about avocado oil

    You are going to detect these characteristics in your essay authors. Here are the factors for one to really take a look at as nicely as make your final judgment about the skilled article writers British. While all essay writers must face the correct steps of composing an essay in the course of time, merely a learn understands the way to do them economically. There are essay writers for hire today, but they’re not equally great. That’s the reason it’s vital to earn a correct selection, when trying to find writing aid. (more…)

  • My Unfortunate Lagos Catcall Experience

    My Unfortunate Lagos Catcall Experience
    If I start talking about my catcall story and how much I’ve suffered in the hands of Lagos men, you wouldn’t believe it.

    When I moved to Lagos as a slaying hijabi, I just assumed people would have sense in Lagos.. I was wrong.

    One evening, I was jejely going home after a typical stressful Lagos day…

    I was trying to board a keke when some annoying boys started whistling at me like…

    I never hexperred it, my reaction was just:

    When their wahala started getting too much, I quickly went to take the fastest Okada to my house.

    We got to a traffic light and that’s how one small conductor boy started winking at me like…

    See my life, is this one mad?

    To God be the glory, I got to Yaba busstop safely after raining curses on the conductor. But it didn’t end there…

    The traders at Yaba were waiting there like…

    But as a sharp girl, I tried to form street…

    But my bad guy face didn’t move boys, one of them tried to grab my waist like…

    The first thing I said was…

    Instead of him to leave me alone, he started calling me bend-bend leg…

    On top my own body again…

    He insulted me till I walked out of the street…

    Some of these Lagos men don’t have sense sha. Please go and find your home training!

  • The Day I Watched A Pastor’s Televised Healing Session

    The Day I Watched A Pastor’s Televised Healing Session

    Alright so one day I was ironing my dad’s shirts and watching the TV. A Christian show was on. Interesting one.

    A bunch of sick people were gathered in this church awaiting healing from the pastor. The place was electrified! Screams and shouts, rah. The pastor towered over them, muttering in his sweet voice. You could say the atmosphere was feeling miraculous at the time.

    Bodyguards everywhere. Anticipation was crazy. I was watching with rapt attention.

    Next thing: whoosh. The healing began. People were crying, laughing and screaming.

    Bad ass. Pastor was wading through people and curing them like whoa. And he looked cool doing it!

    …then he arrived at this woman standing at the back of the line.

    “What do you want the Lord to do for you” he said, I guess. Woman said “Healing for my son.” “Where is he?”

    She removed the baby from under her blouse. The only way to describe the ? is…his head had a head.

    Pastor was like:

    Baby was like:

    I was like:

    Pastor laid hands…

    …sprinkled anointing oil…

    …covered as much of the head’s surface area as his holy mantle could accommodate…

    While this was happening, I was all like:

    After a while the pastor moved on oh. Went to cure people with AIDS and blindness and cancer but as for that tumor?

    The end. I burnt my father’s favorite shirt too, in case anyone wondered. SMH
  • Zikoko Podcast Episode 3: Nigerian Police And Their Bad Behaviour

    Zikoko Podcast Episode 3: Nigerian Police And Their Bad Behaviour

    This week has been a tough one! The murders of two black men by police officers in America have got everyone talking.

    And we have some things to say about them too:

    But American police officers are not the only ones that behave unlawfully, our own Nigerian police are lacking serious home training too:

    Have you had a bad experience with police officers in Nigeria or abroad? Share them below in our comments section.
  • Zikoko Podcast Episode 2: Nigerian Tailors and “Yes ma, I can sew it”

    Zikoko Podcast Episode 2: Nigerian Tailors and “Yes ma, I can sew it”
    Another day, another Zikoko podcast! This week we delve into 4 topics:

    1. The tragic Orlando Massacre and America’s love for guns.

    On June 12 2016, Omar Mateen took the lives of 49 innocent people and injured 53 others in a mass shooting at an LGBT club in Orlando, Florida. Yet many Americans are against gun control, believing everyone has the right to keep and own a gun based on their 2nd amendment right.

    2. Americans and their attempt at the ‘African accent’ in Hollywood movies etc.

    Zikoko writers have discussed this topic extensively. We wrote about Will Smith’s accent in the movie Concussion (based on Nigerian Dr. Bennet Omalu) and recently wrote a post on K.Michelle’s ‘speaking Nigerian‘. But it seems we have to keep talking about it because Hollywood won’t hear word.

    3. Nigerian Tailors and “Yes ma, I can sew it”.

    This doesn’t need much introduction, Nigerian tailors are the real enemies of progress. Just say you can’t sew the cloth. Stop destroying people’s dreams and aspirations please.

    4. And finally, how tired of adulthood are you?

    Being an adult is hard enough, but being an adult in Nigeria? Bruhhhhh…

    Anyway, enough explanation. Listen to the podcast here and be blessed!:

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  • Rules of Standard Informative Notions by James Botkin – what In Case You Know?

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    The expression “inspiring instruction” have been presented within the academic set by Us professor David Botkin close to 20 years to come back and found different and very questionable reaction. (more…)

  • Explanation Classes and Classes

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  • Terms Disorders from Infancy by Teenage years – exactly what can Come to pass?

    Terms Disorders from Infancy by Teenage years – exactly what can Come to pass?

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  • 18 Things You Are Used To If You Aren’t A Morning Person (Number 15 is the worst)

    18 Things You Are Used To If You Aren’t A Morning Person (Number 15 is the worst)

    1. When you make plans to go to bed early

    Thinking you will get up refreshed and happy the next day

    2. But then there is an interesting movie on Afmag Yoruba

    Let me watch just half of it then go to bed.

    3. 2 hours later and you are watching part two

    Okay, this is the last I won’t stay up after this.

    4. When you finally get in bed at 1:25 AM

    Finally, I can sleep.

    5. But there is serious activity on your timeline

    Let me go and look at gist and not carry last.

    6. You check the time and it’s 4AM

    Where is the time running to now?

    7. Two minutes of sleep later and your alarm goes off – it is 7AM

    Oh God!

    8. And the first thing you say is a curse word

    ARRGHHHH!

    9. But you’re still lying on your bed hoping it is all a dream

    Nah, they are probably ringing a bell in this dream.

    10. When it takes you approximately 20 minutes to get out of bed

    Not leaving this bed today.

    11. But then you remember you have work or class to go to

    Why do we have all these responsibilities again?

    12. When you think of faking your death to avoid work or class

    But you realize you have to explain how you resurrected when it is time for salary.

    13. So you have to drag yourself up and start your day

    This doesn’t look like a good day ahead.

    14. Then you remember you have to deal with annoying human beings

    Can I just avoid everybody today please?

    15. But no, everybody wants to talk to you that morning

    PLEASEE LEAVE ME ALONE!!

    16. And one particular person is way too happy with their good morning greetings

    Can you please save it??

    17. Or keeps asking you stupid questions

    Father hold my lips and my hands.

    18. So you spend your whole day thinking about your bed

    I love you. I miss you. I will spend more time with you later tonight.
  • The Hilarious Life Of A Nigerian Stammerer

    The Hilarious Life Of A Nigerian Stammerer

    I sha knew I was special when people used to laugh when I spoke…

    …abi tried to speak.

    My sister would do everything to annoy me at home.

    She was the devil.

    Whenever it was now time to report her, I would basically turn into a DJ.

    Kai! My life!

    Me in school, avoiding being asked to answer questions or read out loud.

    Forever dodging, but still passing.

    It sha worked until my primary 3 teacher assumed passing in class meant I could do debate.

    What’s doing this teacher?

    Oya debate day, time to introduce myself and trust me to get stuck on my own name.

    Ti-Ti-Ti-Ti-Titilope

    Everyone sha had a good laugh, me sef I laughed because…

    Abi?

    Me, looking for a new word mid-sentence because I know that word I’m attempting is not coming out.

    The struggle.

    How people react when I jump from one unrelated word to another:

    No vex, English teacher.

    Whenever I stop talking halfway and someone tries to complete my sentence for me.

    Abeg hold it.

    Me, trying to express myself when I get angry.

    The struggle to get the words out

    Then I had that aunty who would always tell me to “talk slowly” as if that was all it took.

    Like seriously?

    Whenever I hear a Nigerian comedian cracking a joke about stammerers.

    Ya not funny oh!!!

    Whenever I meet someone who prefers talking on the phone to texting.

    Enemy of progress!

    When my sister now said I should be enrolled in a school for special kids.

    I already told you she was the devil.

    Whenever I misbehaved at home and my parents asked me to explain myself.

    Just punish me abeg.

    The one that sha pained me the most was when my crush finally said “hello”

    Finally!

    My throat now decided that I must stay single and I was just there like “he..he..he..”

    God! Why me?

    See my crush looking at me like:

    “Is this one ok?”

    I’ve sha learnt to accept the stammerer life like that, proudly sef.

    Stammerers unite!

    Because me I know in heaven my voice will be free…

    Praise The Lord!

    Free to finally report that it was Sade who closed the window in primary 2, not me.

    Yup! I’m petty like that. Co-written by Zikoko contributor @DelphiicOracle.
  • As A Burn Survivor, This Young Lady Shows Us That Her Scars Don’t Define Her

    As A Burn Survivor, This Young Lady Shows Us That Her Scars Don’t Define Her
    Some people believe that beauty is skin deep, while some believe that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But how about a lady that has both kinds of beauty?

    Shalom Nchom does.

    The 20-year old Nigerian was burnt all over her body when hot oil fell on her and her little sister at her mum’s store. She was 9-years old when it happened.

    Shalom had burns on her face, ears, head and shoulders. She also lost most of her hair.

    After this happened, things were not the same for her. She became a sort of pariah. Her friends ran away from her and she began to have suicidal thoughts.

    Shalom’s aunt who lived in America was able to get her and her family visas to America, so she could have reconstructive surgery.

    It was when she met other burn victims with cases worse than hers that she began to see things differently.

    She began using makeup at the age of thirteen as a way to cover up her scars.

    She used it as her way of dealing with the bullying she faced in school, because of her looks. But despite using makeup, she says that it isn’t the reason why she’s happy. She’s happy because she loves herself.

    Shalom Nchom is now a freelance makeup artist and Youtube vlogger.

    Shalom began doing makeup for her friends and classmates who admired her work. Her Youtube channel is a medium through which she inspires other burn victims.

    Shalom believes that we should all love ourselves, makeup or no makeup.

    Watch her video.

  • Foreign language Ailments from Infancy with Adolescence – the best way to Get rid of Them?

    Foreign language Ailments from Infancy with Adolescence – the best way to Get rid of Them?

    Dialog structure is probably the fundamental properties of entire continuing development of student. (more…)

  • 11 Things You Should Know About Nigerian Filmmaker Abba Makama

    11 Things You Should Know About Nigerian Filmmaker Abba Makama

    1. Abba T. Makama is mostly known as a filmmaker and founder of Osiris; a creative group that creates magical ideas for digital and traditional media.

    But personally he considers himself an artist and prefers the label ‘creator’. Born and raised in Jos Plateau State. He went to Hillcrest School Jos and St. Joseph’s College before graduating from SUNY Fredonia N.Y. He also studied film at N.Y.U. Ventures Africa listed him as one of the 15 African creatives to watch for in 2016.

    2. While growing up in Jos he attend Hillcrest school and was classmates with Tejumola Komolafe (NaijaBoyz).

    They were both the best art students in their class and also best friends. Teju left Nigeria in the early 90’s. The two reconnected in 2006 via Myspace and discovered they both where on the path to becoming filmmakers.

    3. His company Osiris has worked with numerous brands.

    Directing commercials, digital marketing skits and documentaries for companies like Google, Blackberry, Gtbank Nigerian Breweries etc.

    4. In 2010, he and friend/colleague Bolaji Kekere Ekun ( 37th State) created AMEBO at FOUR.

    AMEBO at FOUR is a hilarious comedy NEWS skit.

    5. In 2010 he wrote, produced and directed the comedy satire on the Nigerian film industry called Direc-toh.

    Direc-toh screened at Eko International Film Festival 2010 and won Best Actor at InShort Film Festival 2010.

    6. In 2012 he collaborated with fashion designer and close friend Niyi Okuboyejo, to create Party of Minister.

    Party of Minister is a satire short film about corrupt African dictators. It screened at the 2016 Black Star Film Festival in Philadelphia. That same year he also directed a fashion film for acclaimed fashion designer Maki Oh.

    7. In 2013 he released QUACKS a sequel to Party of Ministers.

    Party of Minister and Quacks were selected for the first Iroko TV online short film festival.

    8. In 2014 he was commissioned by Al Jazeera to direct a documentary on the Nigeria Film Industry.

    It aired in July 2015 on Al Jazeera world and was well received by key figures in the industry.

    9. In 2015 he released a comedy reality TV show, CITY BISHOP, about a journalist from the village of Isoko who explores Lagos city life.

    Season 1 aired on SilverBird TV.

    10. 2016 will be the release of his first feature length film ‘Green White Green’.

     Green White Green is a comedy satire and coming of age story about 3 young boys from the 3 major ethnic group on an adventure to shoot a short film inspired by Nigeria’s history.

    11. Abba Makama the painter.

    His first solo art exhibition is on February 28th 2016 at the IAMSIGO showroom. Waking hallucinations and sleep paralysis are the inspiration behind the art show.
  • Poll: Let’s Answer The Question Of ‘Who Pays On A Date?’ Once And For All

    Poll: Let’s Answer The Question Of ‘Who Pays On A Date?’ Once And For All


    Today, Nigerian twitter is lit with this discussion. Again. Who should pay on a date? But we can all agree that circumstances can be different right? So we thought of 3 instances:

    1. If you invite someone out on a date, who should pay?

    I may be wrong, but if you set a date up with someone who would otherwise be undisturbed in their house – and not spending money – shouldn’t you pay for whatever activity you both indulge in? Isn’t that just common courtesy? Social etiquette dictates that the person extending the invitation should be the one who pays for the meal. I know some people disagree but come on!

    2. When you invite someone out, and they bring their friends, should you pay for the friends too?

    Again, I may be wrong, but if someone invites you out on a date, isn’t it just wrong to bring your friends? Asides from the financial implications, the person wanted to spend time with you and you brought a convoy. Then, the person should pay for them too? Really? Come on guys, these issues are not that hard if you just respect the other party. Seriously.

    https://twitter.com/SabreNoir/status/653482183944970240

    3. When someone organizes a birthday hangout, how should the bills be handled?

    See, this is double edged. But let’s try. It’s your friends birthday, they’re inviting you to hangout. Wouldn’t you have thought of giving the person something for their birthday? As a friend, you shouldn’t go and rack up bills for another person that you don’t intend to pay a part of. I mean, who are you?

    https://twitter.com/MakiSpoke/status/653316188236349444

    I don’t disagree with this tweet. Contribute oh! And don’t show up to a party empty-handed. That’s just rude. Guys, it’s just decency and respect. That’s all. If you have those, then you would probably do the right things.

    Now to the big question.

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  • A Day in the Life of a Nigerian Twitter Influencer

    Twitter influencers are everywhere, working hard and giving us powerful tweets to influence our lives. And this is not an easy task, you know. But you are ungrateful and you don’t appreciate them enough. By the time you are done reading this, you should be full of appreciation for the hard work they do.

    Every morning, a Twitter influencer wakes up and checks their Twitter.

    in bed phone GIF by Molly Soda

    Have I been dragged? Has Dangote noticed me? Has Rihanna confessed that she has a crush on me? Does Cardi B miss me?

    If all of the above hasn’t happened, they think of something influencing to tweet.

    but who cares deep thoughts GIF

    A rare photo of a Twitter influencer in a moment of deep, intense thinking.

    relaxing hanna barbera GIF by Warner Archive

    How do I break the internet today? Should I tell them that I died and woke up again? Should I tweet that Tiwa Savage forgot her bra in my house?

    And then…

    the daily show lol GIF by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

    Their brain gives them the right answer!

    So they go online and post a life-changing tweet. Like this:

    Or this:

    https://twitter.com/mjjuniormodel/status/1213425488355627009

    And all of their followers start retweeting and liking and engaging. Their lord and saviour has dropped rhema. Glory, hallelujah!

    Sometimes, a Twitter influencer decides to do a giveaway. Kings must be generous to their subjects, after all. Usually, they can give an iPhone. Or their bathroom slippers. After all, it was worn by someone of high influence. Imagine Buhari dashing you his underwear.

    happy jonah hill GIF

    Ah, the joy!

    Sometimes, a Twitter influencer battles the temptation of posting their nudes on Twitter. Or even their sex tape. But they must not yield to this temptation. And this a tough thing to do. So in moments of serious temptation like this, a Twitter influencer goes on their knees in prayer.

    prayer GIF

    Or they can troll other celebrities to take the heat off themselves.

    Image

    Or they can leak someone’s sex tape. It’s kuku not their own. And their followers will understand. They need to learn new sex positions to conquer this decade. Why not use someone else’s home-made amateur porn as a guide?

    students GIF

    So you now see how hard a Twitter influencer’s life is. Anytime you see a Twitter influencer post tweets of power and influence like this:

    https://twitter.com/Alvin_Nani/status/1215679264789553153


    Or this:

    My dear, please like and retweet. In fact, applaud them. Pray for them. You cannot possibly guess how much of influential thinking they had to do before posting such an influencingly influential tweet.

  • These ‘What I Ordered’ vs. ‘What I Got’ Photos Will Make You Laugh So Hard

    These ‘What I Ordered’ vs. ‘What I Got’ Photos Will Make You Laugh So Hard

    Before, the general warning was that you should fear Nigerian tailors. You ask for a puffy-sleeved gown and they can move mad and sew a puff-puff sleeved blouse for you. So, everybody started moving to online vendors. Online vendors after all have more finesse and they understand the needs of the customers.

    But from the pictures we have seen so far, perhaps it is safe to say that both online vendors and offline tailors are in the same group chat.

    See for yourself:

    1. These high-waist pants that really should be called The Most High

    https://twitter.com/Liz_khalifar/status/1358811631459987459

    Talk about choker pants 😭

    2. This Little Black Dress that isn’t so little

    https://twitter.com/__Oluwatobi/status/1358806160913104897

    3. At least she was surprised

  • Fear Not, Kredi Is Here to Arm You With Money

    The problem of bank apps deducting exorbitant fees as “bank charges” is one that’s all too familiar for Nigerians. 

    Sometime in 2018, when I was an undergraduate, I galloped happily to an ATM to withdraw my last  ₦‎1k. On getting there, I got the most disappointing message a broke man could ever get: “insufficient funds”. My bank had deducted the routine ₦‎50 back charges, leaving me with ₦‎950. So I walked back home in disappointment, feeling betrayed by my own bank. 

    But in 2023, the days of bank charges are a thing of the past, thanks to innovative digital banks offering revolutionary financial experiences. One of the banks leading this charge is Kredi, and they’re committed to simplifying banking for all their customers. What exactly differentiates this digital bank from the banking old guard?

    Safety is supreme

    The delicate nature of money makes banking a business that is highly dependent on trust. The average Nigerian is skeptical about money; where their money is going and if it’s safe where it is. The advent of digital banking and making bank transfers initially met a lot of resistance from older Nigerians. Safety is probably the biggest fear with keeping money in these banks but Kredi immediately quenches that before the spark is even able to catch fire. You open the Kredi website and you’re immediately ushered in by the promise of safety.

    Kredi is also licensed by the Central Bank of Nigeria and insured by the NDIC. 

    Digital banks today

    In the early parts of 2023, the Central Bank of Nigeria’s Naira redesign policy forced many people to adopt a different method of paying for goods and services. While it was by no means an easy period for anyone it highlights the importance of not completely relying on physical cash. 

    Kredi, in its characteristic customer-first approach, has been actively adjusting its processes to suit the everyday customer. Kredi offers a comprehensive range of banking services, such as savings accounts, investments, and loans, and carefully caters to both individuals and businesses.  In recognition of the importance of keeping the customer at the centre of the product, every new feature results in a more convenient banking experience. 

    What makes Kredi different?

    While most banks just help you save, Kredi helps you get richer while saving. The Kredi Savings Plan offers up to 20% interest per annum. Your money makes you money. This is a far cry from the trend with traditional banks. The charges are so many, it will leave you shocked. Now that’s where Kredi pot and Kredi vault come in.


    Kredi Vault offers the option to lock away funds and resist the temptation to access those funds prematurely while Kredi Pot caters to specific financial goals. In saving for a goal, you also save faster as you accrue more interest. There’s never been a better win-win situation to exist.

    Okay, there’s one more win. When you request a Kredi Mastercard, you also get a Kredi Merchandise Package with a custom tote bag, shirt, and pen. The only other time you receive a gift and card on the same day is on your birthday. 

    With the high-interest rate, freebies, and absolutely no maintenance fees, it feels too good to be true. It’s truly inKREDIble.

    Click here to join the Kredi train today