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Dino Melaye – you must have heard of him if you’re Nigerian. Or even if you’re not, because he’s that big of a star. Still, let me give you a brief introduction. He’s a Nigerian senator, an accomplished actor and musician, as well as the ultimate baby boy. Here’s just a few of Dino’s most iconic moments.
Just look at that smize! This is the level of baby boy I aspire to.
Ajekun iya ni’oje
Ah… This one is a classic. No Dino Melaye story can be told without adding his rather iconic diss song to Kogi State governor Yahaya Bello, after it was confirmed that he is indeed, educated. The details of their battle might be fuzzy, but this song is evergreen to us.
His entire music career.
Just in case y’all didn’t know, Dino officially entered the music scene not when he performed ‘Ajekun Iya’ live, but when he appeared in the music video…of a hit song about himself! You can’t tell me nothing – he’s living his best life.
Showing up in a stretcher to court.
Moving on from music, Dino has also tried his hand at acting. This was originally his true love, and he has a few acting credits under his Gucci belt. One of his most famous and challenging roles was when he abandoned his fleet of exotic foreign cars, and pulled up to an Abuja court on a stretcher for allegedly breaking the windshield of a police vehicle and threatening to kill himself. A revolutionary.
Jean-Claude Melaye.
The action hero none of us realized we needed, Dino actually performs his own stunts. He was arrested in Abuja in connection to a murder case and other criminal activities, and apparently assumed he would be interrogated there. However, the police had a few tricks up their sleeves and started heading towards Kogi State. Terrified of what awaited him, Dino took a leap of faith out of the moving police vehicle.
The Nightcrawler.
Call me naive, but you tell me how else someone whose passport was supposedly seized could leave Nigeria and mysteriously appear in the abroad. I choose to believe he’s actually Nightcrawler because it makes no sense. Baba actually posted this picture with his chest, with the caption “Happy to be away from the joke going on in Naija today.” as his caption to really pepper Nigeria. Teach us your ways, sir.
THIS outfit!
Dino’s sense of style is just as vibrant as his personality. He is truly a style icon of our time. Dino actually broke the internet this day that he stepped out in designer, looking like the African Red Ranger.
A ladies’ man.
Although Dino has not been known for his empowerment of the Nigerian woman, he came to our defense like the knight in shining armor that he’s really not, when he went on a really shady rant on the Senate floor. Perhaps guilt-triggered by the former Edo State governor’s appeal to support more made-in-Nigeria products, Dino infamously asked Nigerians to ignore the governor, whom he said chose not to “patronise ‘made-in-Nigeria women but a foreign one”, referring to Oshiomole’s Cape Verdean wife. Yikes.
No vex, na God.
At the end of the day, you can’t even vex for Dino and his antics, because last last, na God.
If you are anything like us and you lack self-control and home training then your June salary has probably finished and you are currently going through these struggles with us.
They just paid salary last week but your account balance is confusing you.
Wait but did someone rob me?
This is you trying to calculate how you are going to feed for the month of July after looking at your account balance.
This is the perfect month to start 30 days dry fast.
You start thinking back to how you were flexing like there was no tomorrow during salary week.
Yours is now a case of had I known.
As you are trying to calculate how you’ll find money to pay your NEPA bill one family member calls you to remind you to send something for the month.
It’s a little too late for that.
You start to notice that any small thing suddenly makes you unnecessarily angry.
Your colleague will tell you good morning and you’ll ask them what’s good about the morning.
You start counting down again to salary week and wonder why the days are going by so slow.
Time moves slower when you are broke – Albert Einstein
Your taste in things will suddenly drop. You’ll start buying puff puff instead of pancakes.
You’ll start to realize that you actually like cooking and you don’t even like eating out like that. Who knew.
You’ll suddenly remember all the people that are owing you money and start hitting them up.
It’s time to collect your money back from that your colleague that needed 200 naira change for bus. Abi did he think it was dash?
You’ll start appreciating the little things like the fact there’s water dispenser in your office or your parents live an hour away so you can go and beg for food.
Isn’t the Lord good?
You also start to seriously rethink your priorities in life.
Do you really need to pay for internet this month? Shebi office WiFi is there?
Long story short, July is about to be a very difficult month but we are here to tell you that last last you won’t sha die before they pay your July salary.
You’ll never be exposed to a crowd of people as diverse as those you’ll meet in NYSC camp. Although the living conditions are appalling these people almost make the whole experience worth it.
There are the ones who just came back from the overseas and will start stressing everybody with ‘that’s not how we did thing in the States’ and accent.
Even the ones who went to Cotonou will have British accent.
There are the ones who were only interested in getting exeat so that they could go home.
They didn’t come to suffer with you commoners.
The ones who just came to drink their destinies away at mammy market.
But on a serious note, they might have actually needed professional help.
Then there were the ones who belonged to the school of hard knacks and only came to have as much sex as they could.
It’s just three weeks, it’s that how the konji is doing you?
The ITKs that were always volunteering for everything.
They didn’t rest until they became platoon leader.
The ‘do you know who my father is’ people?
If you don’t geddifok out of here.
The ones who were somehow so excited to be in camp.
Have you seen the toilets? What’s making you happy?
We can’t leave out all those promise and fail soldiers.
The ones that’ll tell you don’t worry if you march well you’ll get posted to the capital and you ended up getting posted to a village without light.
The ones who were only there for the food.
All the food sellers at mammy market knew them.
The ones you are pretty sure were old enough to have been in the first ever batch of NYSC.
They might have even been your father’s age mate.
The ones whose life mission was to never step foot on the parade ground.
They did whatever it took and were always in the clinic.
There was the friendly soldier everyone liked.
They didn’t have any wahala.
And the one who was only interested in making people miserable.
But who offended you?
The ones who came to camp to find love.
And they found it o.
The ones who secured their exeat with doctor’s report as soon as they stepped foot into the camp.
Only you asthma, cancer, bronchitis and HIV. Take your wahala and go.
We don’t know who started them or where most of them or where they originated from but we remember that these stories gave us sleepless nights.
For those who went to boarding school you definitely remember madam koi koi the dead teacher who came back to haunt boarding school students in red heels.
We don’t know how the same teacher reached all the boarding schools in Nigeria o.
That if you beat a boy with a broom he’ll become impotent.
We don’t even know how the two are connected.
Did you ever hear the one about how drinking coconut water will make you a dullard.
We still don’t drink it sef better safe than sorry.
That if you eat fish eye too you will also become a dullard.
Remember how we used to sing oju eja lo mo je.
When you eat mango after drinking garri or coke you’ll die immediately.
Has anyone tried this one yet because we are still afraid?
When you see this bird you’ll get white crests on your fingernails.
How did we even believe this?
Anyone who sleeps with their legs on the wall is a witch.
In fact if your leg is on the wall that means you are at your weekly meeting.
If you swallow orange seed or even any fruit the plant will start growing in your stomach
We really want to know who started this one.
If you swallow chewing gum by mistake it’ll tie up your intestines.
Don’t lie you started crying the first time you swallowed chewing gum by mistake.
Snakes will come to your house when you whistle at night.
The Nigeria vs Argentina march was tough for all of us.
We can easily say these are trying times for everyone in Nigeria, feeling everything so deeply you know.
We are all handling the situation differently, but however you are dealing with it, you definitely would have passed through these stages.
If you haven’t, then don’t come to Muritala Muhammed ever.
When that second goal by Rojo entered, you were like,
“This is a joke. I want to see the replay. I want to see the ball actually enter. Is that the side netting? Why are my trying to talk and my voice is not working? What’s going on here? These boys will score, I know it. Look at Ighalo. Is it truly over?” Denial is your name my fren.
When It eventually dawned on you that this was real life and absolutely no miracle could be performed. You were heartbroken.
“Ha my chest! God please do something, please. “They’re not giving us extra time?”
And then you start to watch replays, and listen to analysis, and your blood starts to boil.
This is so stupid, infact this entire World Cup is just annoying. What nonsense?!
THIS REFEREE IS MAD. I BLAME BUHARI. GET YOUR PVC NOW.
Because you saw how much the boys tried and it hurt even more. You try to eat, but food is not entering your mouth.
Grown person like me? Cry because of ball? Wazzaldiz?
After blaming whoever you think deserves to be blamed, you come to the conclusion for the millionth time that there’s nothing you can do but live with it.
Ha! Let’s crack some jokes all over the Internet, shall we?
After all is said and done, you know the Super Eagle’s tried their best and Nigeria is still behind them.
First, we’re going to win the Nations Cup, and we’re going to show them pepper in Qatar 2022.
Did I forget to mention that Senegal is still in the tournament, so we have an African country to support?
If you are about to start NYSC or you’ve even started already we know you’ve probably heard a ton about how the whole program works. But there are some things nobody will tell you, and we are here to help you out.
All the Uncles and Aunties that told you to wait for NYSC to finish before you bring your C.V. will suddenly disappear.
It’s only God that can judge them.
Don’t die on the line trying to get Lagos, have you seen Ibadan or Abeokuta?
At least there is no traffic there.
If they tell you to come at 8 a.m for anything that means you should come at 12 p.m
Don’t waste your precious time.
It’ll frustrate you like everything else in Nigeria is designed to do but it’s really not a bad experience.
If you are lucky you’ll get retained at your PPA.
If you get posted to an unfamiliar state just stay there and explore a different culture.
Are you not tired of seeing yellow buses and Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge? You want to spend your whole life in Lagos that’s why you think there are only three tribes in Nigeria.
Don’t let anyone you don’t know collect money from you to ‘work’ anything.
All those ones that’ll tell you not to go for monthly clearance that they’ll help you work it, you’ll be there looking when your mates are passing out.
Camp is a pretty great place for you to meet people that can epp your life.
Better don’t dull it.
The khaki they’ll give you is not loyal any small rough play and the thing will tear and disgrace you.
So you better sew a backup at mammy market before you leave camp.
And finally when it’s all done you’ll actually miss it a little bit.
At least you were collecting 19,800 every month instead of sitting at home.
Before I begin, if you’re a Nigerian who doesn’t know what an ATM is, please raise your hand.
Sigh, everyone, as expected.
A few days ago, someone asked a very crucial question on Quora.
We can all see that right? Okay.
Are there any ATMs in Nigeria? This question had a lot of us confused.
ATMs? What are those?
For Nigerians who might still not be aware what we’re talking about, the ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine. It’s a machine used to perform cash transactions.
Yup, those actually exist in some parts of the world.
Even though the question got a few accurate answers like this one, I’d like to really break it down to your full understanding.
This is going to be very educative, trust me.
In Nigeria, we communicate with birds. Everyone has a bird assigned to them, you train and guard your own bird.
Animals and humans are like siblings in this part of the word. No big deal.
As soon as we receive money, we give our birds to fly the money to a land called Naira Treasure Land.
This is where the bird drops the money.
Now, they don’t just dump the money there. Everyone is allowed into that land at least twice a year.
We dig up holes for our money to be stored.
So your bird has already been trained to know your money hole. It’ll now help you drop it, cover the hole, and then return back to you.
We spend many years training these our super smart birds.
So thats were we keep large amounts of money. For smaller amounts for everyday expenses we dig holes around the huts that we live in.
Smart right?
But we usually have to make sure our birds are properly skilled, so they leave no traces of our hole.
Hi guys, I’d like for us to take a minute to talk about Wizkid and Tiwa Savage. Shall we?
Yes I know, we’re all here for this
There has been a lot of controversy about these two, mainly because most people aren’t sure whether or not they’re dating.
Worry no more my friends, for I’m here to reveal the truth.
Before we proceed, let’s quickly go back to the their first collaboration. Notice how Wizkid seemed to know his limits?
Okay aunty, I should just sit beside you here ?
Now, fast forward to their next song (Ma lo). We see very clearly that Starboy has become limitless . He was steady making his fellow Yoruba demon’s proud.
Yess, That’s our boy!
Shortly after, they start travelling together, performing together, and giving each other everlasting hugs.
Small small oh.
Everyday, they surprise us with their public displays of love and affection. Actually, every minute.
Please continue oh, we are not tired.
Now as you can see, this clearly isn’t enough proof that they’re dating. Right?
Just relax, I’m getting to it.
I want you to pay close attention to this video. What do you see? It’s your favourite celebrities. What are they doing? kissing. Yes, kissing.
If you still don’t believe, then you fall under one of the categories below.
The people who will continue to be in denial because Wizkid is their designated husband.
I pity you, better go and look for soulmate.
There’s also the people who just think Tiwa is too old for Wizkid and it’s impossible.
“When she’s not a sugar mummy”
Anyway, whatever you choose to believe it is very clear that Wizkid and Tiwa Savage are living their best lives.
And we’re behind them 100%
Before I finally go, I have one question. Wizkid and Tiwa Savage are kissing, Davido and Chioma are kissing, even Bobrisky and Tonto Dikeh are kissing. Who are you kissing?
Dear friends, a lot of us are extremely upset this morning.
I’m going to tell you why
Yesterday, Lagosians were heading home after another long day of hustling. Some in buses, some in cars and some in kekes.
But most just stuck in traffic, thinking of getting home to sleep peacefully.
Generally, a lot of commercial trucks pass the Ojuelegba bridge often, some are even parked there permanently. Last night, a truck carrying plywood was among the many other vehicles on the bridge.
It was on the line closest to the left side of the bridge.
Remember those people stuck in traffic? They’re just right below the bridge.
Next, you know, they look up and see a truck of wood falling right off the bridge and towards them.
It was about to fall on their vehicles. Some didn’t even know what was happening. It all happened so fast.
Before they knew it, the truck had fallen on 3 buses and a car. Crushing every single one of them.
Many were trapped under the truck all night, some got badly injured.
And sadly, 2 people passed away.
This gets even more saddening because a very similar incident happened in Ojuelegba sometime in 2015.
3 Nigerians passed away from that incident.
This is making a lot of Nigerians wonder when there’d really be any change, if the same mistakes are being repeated.
I mean, trucks with that amount of weight should definitely notbe on that bridge.
Our hearts truly go out to everyone affected by this incident, including their family and friends.
We truly hope Governor Akinwumi Ambode and the entire Lagos state government pay more attention to this re-ocurring issue.
This is a very tragic event that should be prevented by all means from happening again.
On Thursday, we all couldn’t wait for the day to be over, because fasting had come to an end and we were finally going to get that short holiday we deserve.
If you didn’t go home this excited, then I don’t know
There are the ones who slept from the time they got home till the day they resumed work. Almost all of us fall under this category.
Ha! This sleep will be tired of me today
The ones who didn’t get any sleep because they wanted to use enjoyment to kill themselves.
Please I just have to turn up with my guys
The ones who made plans to turn up all week but ended up spending the whole weekend at home.
Because if you stay at home, you don’t spend money.
Let’s not forget the ones who left their house to look for ramadan meat.
But realised this isn’t that season. Tragic.
This is the time we know those who can complete 15 series in one day.
” Me and this movies will die on the line today “
There’s also those people who were on their phone all weekend, watching the people who went to turn up on instagram.
“I should have just gone out oh “
The workaholics who continued to work from home.
Oga you better don’t kill yourself
The ones who just watched nothing but the World Cup every day.
What a sweet match
The ones who were just on their phones doing absolutely nothing.
” where’s my phone? oh it’s in my hand “
Finally, there’s the people who can’t relate to any one of these so far.
I’m walking home on a rather sunny evening, thinking about how I’m going to acquire my lamborghini, when I notice 2 kids who seem to be having a good time.
Okay boy’s don’t forget talk to about what aunty taught you in school today.
I decide to keep minding my business, since it seemed like a harmless gathering.
“Let me be fast before these children come and ask me 2×2 that I don’t even remember”
After increasing my pace, I had to pause when I heard one of them say “your daddy is a bombastic element”
And the next kid replies; “You mean my daddy? it’s my own father you’re calling bombastic”
I took a few steps back, and tried to ask..
..what’s going on here boys?
It’s this American dustbin that called my own father a bombastic element, my father !
Wawu this is getting serious o. But why did you say that to him?
Haa aunty this boy is a Jabajantis stupendus liar.
Meee! Ohh my life
We were just playing oh, that’s how he said my head is like watermelon. Then I abused his daddy.
Small abuse and he is now angry, rubbish
Meanwhile, their noise had attracted all the kids on the street.
Oyaa continue
This boy is just an Unflushable toilet. Can’t you see his head? Was I lying aunty?
The other kids were already shouting ‘yeeeeeee’
Since I was the only old person there, I tried to counsel them.
Everybody, just calm down, it’s not good to fight, if you fight you will go to hell fire.
While I was being a saviour, one of the kids said ” this aunty is a nonsense and ingredient konkorbility, who put her mouth? “
wait, but, what? what did I do?
They all started laughing at me, and then I realised I had overstayed my welcome.
I took a long miserable walk of shame back home.
I wondered if they were alright, but realised even I wasn’t alright for not minding my business.
Let’s ask ourselves one question. Was this game a fair one? No, it was not! Before I proceed with my analysis, If you aren’t good at math, you have to follow my calculations step by step.
The Nigerian Jersey is perhaps the best Jersey the World Cup ever saw! I said it, shoot me!
Therefore,
Nigerian Jersey 1- England Jersey 0
Nigeria’s Supporters Club remain undefeated with their energy, no arguments. England fans couldn’t even try!
Nigeria 1 – England 0
Honestly, the Pepsi ad could make Nigeria pass for the new Wakanda ( going too far?)
When England produces their video, I’d give them a point. But for now,
Nigeria 1 – England 0
Not one England player can dribble the way our legendary Victor Moses ridiculed Harry Kane, his name is Moses for a reason.
Nigeria 1 – England 0
This is hard to admit but I have to say Nigeria took a big L when the commentator said “Nigeria today is not as bright as their jersey”.
I felt it in my soul. It hurt, it really did.
So, Nigeria 0 – England 1
Anyway, Nigerians made a customised keke. A whole hand painted keke (a.k.a tricycle). I bet England doesn’t even have a customised bicycle
Nigerian Creativity 1 – England Creativity 0
If I don’t add the scores from the match itself, they will say I’m biased, but do I really have to?
Okay okay okay if you insist.
Nigeria 1- England 2
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “this modelling will fit me o,” then this is for you. But before you rush into it, let me prepare you for the different types of people you’ll meet in the industry once you’re ready. Pay attention.
Beware of the ones who stand in front of everyone by force
Heyyy designer, i’m the one you want
For they usually don’t get picked.
“Oh no it’s fine, seriously I’m not angry, it’s fine”
There are also the proud one’s who have a history of constantly getting picked
“Okay congratulations but do you have to rub it in our faces? HA!”
Meanwhile we have the one’s who happen to be there by mistake but somehow got picked
Who me? Excuse me sister, what’s happening here?
Congratulations to everyone who’d be walking the show
if you were not picked, please kindly exit the building, see you next year.
Today is the day! Models..
Are you readyyy?!?
This is where we know who the real models are.
I mean the one’s who were truly born for this. The category most people believe they fall into.
Those who bragged about their walk all week and got to the runway to surprise everyone.
“See when I walk, everywhere will scatter”
But it really was catastrophic!
There’s also those ones who won’t let anything get in their way
This girl thinks she can stop my shine, God forbid bad thing
These ones literally put the run in runway.
No one is chasing you aunty, slow down
Those who give up as soon as they get backstage
“I can’t do this anymore, please tell my fans i’d miss them”
You know those people who start to narrate and exaggerate how people were staring at them?
Even if it wasn’t that bad? yeah we have those too
And finally, the designer’s pets who feel the need to form a clique backstage
While everyone hates on them
And next year, we do it all over again
I’m sure by now you’re more than convinced modelling is for you, so go for it!!!
Let’s not deceive ourselves. When a person leaves their house to come and celebrate at a party, they’re also expecting that you will fill their stomach in return. Let us now look at all the drinks you’ll find at a Nigerian party, and why they aren’t bringing the drinks you want to your table.
Cocktail.
This is the only drink you need a visa to get in some parties. You literally have to have cards, special cards. You know you’re blown when people are hustling cards to get a cup of cocktail and it’s casually brought to your table! VIP wayyy.
Hennessy, Moet & Ciroc Gang.
The Unshakable Table, aka The Gentlemen’s Club. Full stop.
Velveta, Eva, Don Simon, Andre, and friends
You’re welcome, grab a seat and join us.
Star, Heineken, Goldberg, it’s all beer!
and they love it.
Got Juice?
Which one sir? Chivita or 5 Alive?
Excuse me, Can I have a can of Malt?
Okay do you want Maltina or Malta Guinness? We also have Maltex and Amstel Malta, I also have malt liquor and…
JUST GIVE ME MALTINA ABEG!
“We only have minerals.”
Please, just drink your Coke or Fanta or Schweppes or Parle Soda, eat your food, and be going.
Nestle Life, Eva, Aquafina. Let me drink my water and be happy.
At least I’m not destroying my liver.
“See bros please just give me any Bottled Water you have”
1. It’s a cold night, I’m walking back and forth my parents room, wondering how to make this one request.
I wanted to go to a party! Not a birthday party or a family party or even a school party. I wanted to go to a club.
2. And that’s not the mad part,
I was 13.
3. The girls in school had been talking all week long about it, and when they invited me nko?
Waawu. First of all, I want to thank you all for this opportunity to mingle.
4. I eventually got the courage to ask my parents about going for my friend’s birthday, and they were like,
Waiiit, whatt?
5. I spent the entire night trying on clothes and dancing to Wizkid’s Superstar album
I’m ready to die on the line.
6. Fast forward to next day, what I planned to look like,
All hail the Queen.
7. After a long night, this is what I actually looked like
Yep. I showed up looking like a Rainbow.
8. I sat and watched as people danced, drank and smoked like
Wawu. All these people are going to Hell Fire.
9. And then I realised my friends probably abandoned me because I was boring.
Do I look like a clown? Am I crossing my leg too much? Am I smelling like soak-away?
Damn you insecurity! Damn you!
10. I was like, you know what?
I’m out please.
11. Went out to get a cab and after waiting for a maximum of 5 seconds, I can say God strategically placed my parents passing by at the exact same time.
This is the day I died guys. This very day.
12. It was a silent ride home, and I was looking out the window like
Wow wow wow, is this how my life will end?
13. As we reached home, before I could fully understand anything, the first cane landed on my back
Kuku kill me dad. Kuku kill me.
14. Then suddenly suddenly, I fainted.
Come and see how everywhere scattered.
15. Bruh, I was just pretending
Everybody was praying and just pouring water unneccessarily.
16. That’s how they rushed me to hospital.
“My daughter stay with me!”
17. Next thing, what did my father tell the doctor, “Do pregnancy test.”
Waaaait, what?!
18. That’s how my fainting finished o
Like, daddy how did we go from fainting to pregnancy? How can I even get pregnant today today?
19. Last last, that beating that day is why I still don’t don’t enter clubs
Something about PTSD. Can’t be letting “Holler at your boy” trigger “I will kill you today.”
I wonder what else I don’t like because of the beating I received growing up.
20. So tell me, what’s that thing your parents beat out of you, and you still can’t do till date?
People were in too many feelings over the weekend when Falz dropped “This is Nigeria”. It’s not just another music video, it’s a remake of Childish Gambino’s own video. Like “This is America”, it focused on crucial issues happening, and how we generally respond to them.
We were fascinated by peoples reactions, for example;
Falz the Copycat!
A ton of people attacked Falz, saying he copied Childish Gambino.. I mean it’s a parody. That’s the point of a parody, right?
Childish Gabino’s Concept, Falz issa Copy 🐱 ….Love it though 😁😁
— DA’ CLAIRVOYANT 💧 (@williamsoracle) May 25, 2018
OMG Falz is buff?
Female fans couldn’t help but notice Falz is actually built to their standards, as our guy was shirtless through the entire video! Would he get more affection now?
Falz just wanted to show us his tight body. 😀 But jokes aside this is a brilliant video — so well executed and so timely. Let’s make this video trend! Watch it. Share it!
This is God speaking to me, I will change Nigeria!
Falz clearly inspired Nigerian youths, by speaking about these issues.
So much that some of us are thinking of running for president! Nothing is impossible sha
‘falz has inspired me to run for presidency 😭😭’ @falzthebahdguy
This would really bang as our national anthem right? think about it.. I know you’re thinking about it now.. okay lets start *this is Nigeriaaaa*
no? okay no!
Henceforth, we the people of Nigeria adopt #ThisIsNigeria by falz as our national anthem.
“What if Sarz sees this and gets angry and comes for falz? omg we need to protect falz!” Helppppp!!!
Wouldn’t be surprised if Falz’s #ThisIsNigeria gets banned. Wouldn’t be surprised if the government should send their dogs EFCC, DSS, Police, SARS or even the Military after Falz. These issues are long over due to be voiced, and the government’s insensitivity is simply amazing!
Falz’ fans are taking this too far.. the rest of twitter believes! we’re just going to grab a bowl of popcorn and watch this wonderful fight till it ends.. *currently whistling ‘this is Nigeria’ *
Y’all gotta chill at times and slow down. You can’t compare parody/remix with the real version.
Falz wouldn’t have come up with the concept if Gambino didn’t invent it. They both passed the msg so rest! https://t.co/yi2Uz0Czju
Yes, yes, but he deserves some credit for the effort. Perhaps, this should push other people to want to create socially conscious work and uplift the conversation.=
What do you guys think? Watch the full video here.
It might sound like Gerard, but no, it’s not somebody’s name.
2. Subject-Verb Agreement aka Concord
If you don’t remember this, you should really hide your head in shame. This topic caused so much heartache in English Language exams. The struggle to understand concord and its many rules was real.
3. Monophthong, Diphthong and Triphthong
Probably the only “thongs” you remember now are the ones they wear abi? SMH! Shame! Shame on you! Monophthong, Diphthong and Triphthongs are the three different ways of producing vowel sounds. Remember now?
4. Phrases
Noun phrases, verb phrases, adjectival phrases; back then it seemed like every thing was a phrase.
5. Clauses
Clauses made us feel almost the same way phrases made us feel and were just as, if not more confusing than them.
6. Punctuation Marks
Judging by the nonsense way people write on Facebook and Twitter, I’m pretty sure punctuation was the first thing y’all forgot as soon as WAEC was over. Shebi?
7. Prepositions
When to use “in” and “on”, “under” and “beneath”; prepositions were hard to understand even when we were being taught, talk less of now.
8. Verbs and Adverbs
A verb is an action word or a doing wordAs learned in every Nigerian primary school
If this was you defining a verb in primary school, do like this:
9. Nouns and Pronouns
Name, name, name, name; this game helped us to remember what a noun is. But I’m pretty sure y’all have forgotten.
10. Comparative and Superlative
Just add “-er” or “-est” in some cases. In others, “more” and “most”. But do you even remember which goes when?
You’ll think of the farthest hospital from your house you can go to for the test.
So no one will see you. If you live in Isolo, go to a hospital in Ikorodu.
You’ll wonder if the nurse attending to you thinks you’re a giant whore.
Don’t judge me please.
You’ll wonder if the other people in the waiting area also think you’re a giant whore.
All of you should mind your business.
As the nurse draws your blood and takes it to the lab, you’ll wonder what your life will be like if the results come back positive.
Everything will scatter.
How your family will react.
How your friends will react.
You’ll think of how you’ll possibly be able to afford the drugs.
You’re broke.
At this point, it’s been 30 mins. You’ll see the nurse coming back with the envelope and you’ll wonder why she has that sad look on her face.
Jesus!
She’ll call you to a corner and you’ll wonder why the hell she’s stressing you out like this.
God please let this be over already.
She’ll hand you the envelope and watch you open it with your hands shaking and you’ll think
She’s here to give me counseling. IT IS FINISHED!!!
The result says negative. You’ll look at the nurse in disbelief and think
WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT DRAMA ABOUT?!
Like she can read your mind, she’ll lean in and whisper quietly in your ear
Go out and whore no more.
She’ll hand you a handkerchief to wipe your sweat with.
It turns out that the nurse’s name is Hannah and she has monogrammed handkerchiefs that she hands out because she does this kind of thing all the time.
This will be you the moment you leave the hospital.
YASSSS GAWWWWDD!!!
Unless of course your story ends differently, in which case……
Enjoyed this? Read this next article to find out 11 crazy and common myths about HIV/AIDS.
Especially when they’re abusing you and smiling at you at the same time!! Like, WHY?!!
But you will hear some Hausa insults that will make you do like this:
It will hit you DEEP in your soul.
And don’t even let us get started on Warri people and “YOUR PAPA!”,
But what would you expect? Warri people NO DEY CARRY LAST before!
It’s quite obvious really. Every Nigerian language has some pretty strong insults in their vocabulary that’ll make you go:
WHY DO YOU HATE ME LIKE THIS?!
So we want to know, what are the craziest insults in your language?
Feel free. Don’t hold back. Let’s know what insults are lurking deep in the recesses of your mother tongue. Tell us the craziest insults in your language, (along with an English translation of the meaning as well as the tribe) and if it’s a really good one, we’ll feature it on our next Zikoko Readers’ Choice post!
We’ve all told lies at one point or the other in our lives.
Big lies. Little white lies. (Why do the little lies have to be ‘white’ though? Can’t black people tell little lies? Can’t it be little black lies? So much white privilege even in lying too? Where my protesters at!!) Okay, maybe we’ll put the protest on hold for now and get back to the story.
The fact is though, regardless of whatever size of the lie, some people are really good at lying while others simply suck. This is a story of how I sucked at lying to my mother and how that shit backfired.
One beautiful Saturday morning when I was in primary 3, I found a one naira coin under our living room couch.
Old Herb was looking at me like, “Pick me! Pick me!” So I did and showed it to my mother.
Mother instantly gave me the eye.
As per, the first step of action according to the Mothering Handbook.
Then she was like, “Is it your own?”
And then she told me to put it back. But of course I didn’t listen.
The next Monday, I took Old Herb to school.
After school, I stopped by the little kiosk outside the school gate and bought one stick of robot bubble gum.
…because that was all the one naira could afford back then.
But I was very happy with my purchase.
I was never given money to bring to school because I always brought food for lunch and home was a stone’s throw away. So I was very excited about being able to buy something on my own.
I chewed my robot gum with pride and skipped all the way back home.
Immediately my mother saw me, she looked at me like:
“What are you eating?”
At first, I feigned ignorance.
But my mother was like:
So I told her I was chewing gum.
I could not even try to lie.
Things escalated pretty quickly from there.
“Gum? Where did you get it? Who gave you? So you’ve started collecting things anyhow from people abi? Are you not supposed to show me first before you eat it?”
All the shouting started to make my head turn and ruined my focus.
Before I knew it, I told her I hadn’t collected the gum from anybody.
Then her face went like this:
Oho? So where did you get it then?
At this moment, I knew I was in too deep and there was no going back.
When I told her I bought the gum from the kiosk in school, she looked at me like:
“Really? With which money?” Which was really a trick question because she knew I didn’t have any money.
I knew I was in trouble when she started to laugh like this:
“Oho! You used that one naira I told you to return abi? You’ve turned to a thief now abi?”
I jejely carried myself to face the wall for my beating.
She made me put the gum on the floor and look at it as she beat me.
I wasn’t even sure which one she was more upset about; the trying to lie thing or the taking the money after she said not to thing.
I just knew that after that day, I could never look at another stick of robot bubble gum the same way again.
I was a learner when it comes to lying, but ever had a classmate that just likes lying anyhow?
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The journey began normal. We left on time, I had my earphones on, my jamz on repeat, even the air conditioner was blasting cool breeze on my face; it was shaping up to be a perfect trip.
Then, halfway through the journey everything changed and my perfect trip was ruined
Hay God! What is this now?
It started slowly, I barely even noticed it
Wh…wha…what’s happening?
Suddenly, one rumble…
Oh my God, was that my stomach or the car entering a pothole?
Then another rumble…
Father Lord this cannot be happening…
My face when the volcano erupted
Everybody else’s face
And then…
But the mess did not stop there.
I started thinking of how to find toilet on time before the full thing dropped
Me when I couldn’t take it anymore
I begged the driver to stop in the middle of the road
Bent down and did my business behind a bush
Contributing to nature
For the rest of the journey everybody was looking at me like…
There are over 7 billion people in the world. And if you are not careful, you might not know how to relate whenever you come in contact with them. so that you both have a nice life. To make things easier for you, we came up with this list that will help you understand people. We hope that by the time you’re done reading, you’ll have a deeper understanding of people–and of yourself too.
1. People who brush their teeth like they’re washing jeans skirt.
You’ve never seen a film with a plot as simple as this. Natural and straightforward, RAHMAN follows the story of 2 young Hausa boys who fall in love with their Sallah ram. Trouble comes when their older cousin loses the ram in a silly bet. What will they tell their blind father at home? And more importantly, what meat will the family use to celebrate Sallah?
RAHMAN is directed by Seun Opabisi (Loups Garous) and produced by Kewa Oni.
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