Back when I was little, it would have been a little hard to find anyone more excited for Christmas than me. You know how you can tell the owner of Shoprite is just obsessed with Christmas, because they always drop pre-Christmas vibes and put all their decorations up at the stroke of October? Well, that was exactly me, only with the adrenaline of a five-year old.

Christmas clothes- check.

Manipulating parents to put decorations up earlier than was reasonable- check.

Forcing everyone to watch Home Alone with me Christmas day, complete with our Christmas clothes to boot- check, check, check.

I even fought anyone that tried to open presents before Boxing Day. I never really won this one, but no one can say 5-year-old me didn’t put up a fight.

I was obsessed with Christmas, and I never asked it, but I’m pretty sure it was obsessed with me too. But then I turned 9.

Now, while I always knew Christmas was Jesus’ birthday, and there was always a family prayer come the 25th — that was the year I became all too aware that Christmas is hardly for celebration, and instead was ‘a day for sober reflection’ (direct quote from my daddy btw).

Instead of staying home and wasting time watching movies, Christmas should instead be spent at the retreat grounds, chilling with Jesus directly. What is a Home Alone?

So while Christmas mornings usually saw me wolfing down more jollof rice and chicken than a little human being should consume as a matter of health and well-being- by age 9, you could catch baby Boyin at the very front of the church auditorium, Christmas Day- firing and kabashing enemies trying to stand in the way of Common Entrance that year.

A few years down the line, my Christmas spirit had worsened and was at an all- time low. If anybody fired you banger at Deeper Life Camp Ground on Christmas day a number of years ago, sorrry! I was being very performative with my teenage angst, and wanted all the other bad kids at the campground to like me.

Don’t call the police on me, pls dear.

Anyway, after your girl had grown wings and didn’t have to spend Christmas at Church, Christmas rocks took over. And if I’m being honest, I might actually prefer the campgrounds.

These days, once I hear ‘Christmas’, my account balance does the sign of the cross and braces for impact.

Where formerly, our parents carried the full weight of Christmas on their chest, and all we had to do was exist and be cute. These days, I am all too aware of how much Christmas really costs.

Not only do we now have to buy presents for our family and friends, if you leave us in the single fold and jump in a relationship, that’s added gbese for you. Plus February 14th is just around the corner, and you know what that means.

If presents aren’t enough to run you down, the Christmas turn-ups and expenses that come with them are always unending. I’ve already sent a PSA to all my friends. I’m pulling a Daddy Boyin and using this Christmas period for sober reflection.

I still haven’t recovered from last year’s rockies, it’s not me you people will run down.

How do you spend Christmas these days? Do you miss being little and not having to cook the Christmas jollof rice everyone eats? We asked the cast of Nigerians Talk how they feel about the season and got hilarious responses. Watch all of them here:

What happens when you put a group of chatty young Nigerians, who are tired of the country together? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From living alone to dating to just not having sufficient funds in your bank account.

If you are a veteran of Zikoko, then Nigerians Talk isn’t new to you. We are sure you remember this…

…and this too.

You might have also noticed we took a bit of a break from the show. But we are back, and here’s what to look forward to;

Lots of laughs from Kofo and Hassan.

Undiluted realness from Chisom and Lola. 

New friends in Bianca and Fara. 

Your standard jaded Nigerians in Astor and Peace.  

An agony aunt who would give you actually good relationship advice in Edwin.

 

 

Adulting 101 – Moving Out

For every young Nigerian who has grown wings and thinks they are ready to move out of their parents’ house. Well, we have some good news for you, but we also have a lot of bad news.

The Single Pringle Struggle

If you are single and ready to mingle, or maybe not, this is for you. Being single in Nigeria has very unique advantages and disadvantages and you’ll find out exactly what they are here.

Adulting 102: Saving Money

You think you have this whole adulting thing figured out and then you look at your bank account and realize you don’t. How much do you save a month? Do you have retirement plans? Do you have any investments or you are spending all your money on food? Get ready to be dragged in this one.

Who Watches Nollywood?

Nollywood has come a very long way. Even though they might still release ten parts of one movie, it’s unlikely you’ll find ghosts receiving phone calls anymore. But does anyone except our parents who spend all day on AfMag watch Nollywood movies anymore? Find out in ‘Who watches Nollywood?’

The Right Way to Eat Cereal

Does the milk go before the cereal or does the cereal go before the milk? Is an unending debate that has caused several fights and ruined many friendships. Regardless of how you eat your cereal ‘The Right Way to Eat Cereal’ will have you heading to the supermarket to buy a box of Golden Morn Puffs.

A Very Merry Nigerian Christmas

The Christmas episode will awaken some of your fondest memories about Christmas. It will also bring you the startling realization that there is a word of difference between experiencing Christmas as a child and experiencing it as an adult.

There Will Be Watch Parties

Keeps your eyes glued to this page, we’ll keep you updated on where and when.

From inside gist about the cast to all the trailers and episodes, you can get all of the good stuff here. Watch with your friends and family and share on the 101 Whatsapp groups you’ve been forced to join. Don’t forget to like the videos, subscribe to our YouTube channel and let us know how you feel about the new Nigerians talk.

Tis the season to pack up a couple of things and head back home to go and spend half of what you’ve earned this year. At least you’ll be doing it with family and friends, drinking palm wine and breathing fresh village air. Even though you make this same trip every year, you somehow always end up making the same mistakes. Well, here’s a friendly reminder of what those mistakes are and how you can avoid them this year.

For goodness sake don’t travel on Christmas Eve.

Every year you promise yourself that you’ll get your shit in order so you can travel early but every year you still end up leaving on the 24th (of December), knowing fully well that you’ll get stuck for hours on Ore road or that they’ll delay your flight till kingdom come.

If you didn’t make your Christmas budget in November like a serious person, you better go and make it now.

You know January is 6 months long. Don’t forget yourself and spend 6 months salary in the village. Except you are fully ready to come back and soak garri until January salary enters.

Pack with sense.

There’s no need for you to pack heaven and earth. How can you be packing garri to take to the village knowing fully well that the one there is fine like powdered milk? I know you are telling yourself it’s to save cost  (so you won’t spend too much on food in the village) but you are only deceiving yourself. You’re still going to buy fresh palm oil and yam when you get there.

If you are going to drive, we take God beg you, go get your car checked.

Yes we all know your mechanic is a thief and he’ll surely find something to use and collect money from you, just give him like that. Better safe than sorry. It’s not enough to just check the water and be going your way.

Don’t travel at night, whatever excuse you want to make for it is not worth it.

When you are a child of light and not darkness, what are you looking for on the road overnight? Except you are not Nigerian, we are sure you know how dangerous it can be.

Anything you want to buy to take home better go and buy it this weekend.

As you are just buying it this weekend you are even late, but you won’t listen. You’ll still go and buy them a day before you travel as usual

When you get home remember that it’s not everyday you’ll open your door for visitors. That’s the quickest way to rundown your account.

Because Nigerians don’t have shame, if you stay there for a week you’ll find people that’ll resume at your house for breakfast and won’t leave until they eat dinner everyday for that week.

If you are going by air and you haven’t booked your ticket, book your ticket now.

I expect any serious person to have booked it in November but if you are unserious close this page and go do it right now.

Finally, it’s not by force to go. If your spirit is telling you “yes” and your bank account is telling you “no,” you better listen to your bank account.

Don’t worry dear, cheer up. It’ll be Christmas time again before you know it. Last last, you’ll still jam everyone at the next family wedding.

With the way Nigerians talk about marriage and the importance of getting married, you’ll think that they share dollars along with your marriage certificate at the registry.

For many unmarried Nigerians, pressure from society and their parents to get married hits an all-time high once they hit the 30-year mark. Nigerian women in this demographic can especially relate to this.

These 8 women* are damning the societal consequences for one reason or the other and have chosen not to get married.

“I think I decided I didn’t want to get married when I was 19. By that age, my mum was on her third Uncle Tade. He didn’t really marry her officially but he had introduced her to his family and was considered to be his wife for over a decade. But when Uncle Tade died, the real wife came out and my mum was cast aside as an asewo who had tried to snatch someone’s husband but didn’t succeed. Ten years on my mind still hasn’t changed. I’ve been in a couple of relationships but nothing ever too serious. My dad is dead and my mum knows of my sentiments about marriage she seems fine with it maybe because she has three other married daughters and half a dozen grandkids.” – Sope, 29

“I was raised by a single mum. My dad upped and left when she got pregnant with me so she never got married. And to be honest I can’t say that she was missing out on anything. My mum is the sweetest, most wholesome woman you can ever meet who is currently living her baby girl life traveling around the world. She has 7  sisters who from every indication seem very unhappily married. Recently one left her husband’s house because unknown to the rest of the family, he had been using her as a punching bag for years. So I look at my aunts and I look at my mum and it’s just hard to convince me that marriage is sweet. I can’t say with an absolute certainty that I’ll never ever get married but right now in my life o, I don’t think so.” – Sike, 27

“To be honest ehn marriage just doesn’t seem fun for the average Nigerian woman. Every small thing the man is the head and you are the neck. So it’s my responsibility to cook, sweep, raise the kids ki ni kan ki ni kan and nobody has time for that abeg. This younger generation of Nigerian men swear they are different but I’ve had a boyfriend who said he was a feminist tell me so I can’t come and be stocking his fridge with cooked food as his girlfriend 3 months into the relationship. Imagine being with that kind of person for years. Abeg I no do it’s not by force.” – Kemi, 26

“After coming out of a 9-year relationship with someone who I thought I was going to marry and live the rest of my life with, marriage has been the furthest thing on my mind. The relationship came to an end because I realised I just wasn’t in love with him anymore and I was tired of pretending to be. So when I think about marriage I think about the fact that 9 years down the line something like this might happen and I must tell you breaking up a relationship is way easier to handle than divorces. Given my age most people’s questions for me have been if not now then when. But I’m just not programmed that way. I sha know I don’t want it now, maybe when I turn 50 and  God willing I’ll find a husband then. But even at that 50, I’m not sure.” – Ose, 33

“Once I finished Uni at 23, the only thing I was hearing from all my family members was marriage marriage marriage marriage. Every single day, I’ll wake up to a phone call of my mum asking me when will I marry and go to bed after a phone call from my aunt asking me so you still don’t have boyfriend. I was fed up and frankly way too young in my opinion to be dealing with it. One day it came up at an informal family meeting and I just said see ehn you people this marriage thing o me I’m not doing. Everyone laughed because they thought it was a joke, I was actually joking in the moment now that I think about it. But I gave it some thought and the whole thing just seemed very stressful. I was reading an article about cohabiting recently and I even heard that Oprah and her bobo are not even married. I think that sounds more like something I’d like to sign up for. Cohabiting sounds like two equal partners living together, marriage sounds like the woman is about to enter a life of servitude. I only serve a living God abeg.” – Amaka,29

Are you a single Nigerian woman? What are your thoughts on this? Have you already picked out your wedding dress and planned the Bella Naija photo rollout or are you indifferent about marriage? Let us know.

 

*Names have been changed because we don’t anyone to get disowned but ages are real.

So you think you are still a baby girl? You think you can count yourself amongst the youth and use words like ‘on fleek’. Well, this is an awakening call. You are no longer a baby girl, you are now a Nigerian aunty and here’s the proof.

You’ve noticed that your makeup you used to think was on fleek is no longer really what’s trending.

Baby girls have moved on to feathered brows and you are still there drawing your own like marker.

In fact you no longer know what’s trending with anything. Clothes o music o, the youths have left you behind.

What do you mean denim jackets are old school in 2018? I still have ten in my wardrobe.

People who don’t know you in public have started calling you ‘aunty’ instead of miss.

You don’t even know when it started, you just woke up one morning and suddenly you were ‘Aunty’.

You now have a hoarde of nieces, nephews and younger cousins whose parents force them to talk to you on the phone.

You’ll call your sister to give her spicy gist about your baby girl life and the next thing you’ll hear is ‘Junior come and talk to your aunty on the phone’.

You’ve even started jamming some of them in the club house that you’ve been going. Because you know you are still yuppy and young in your mind.

You won’t even know when you’ll pick up your phone to call their parents. ‘Tade you won’t believe where I saw your son at this time of the night’. Standard Nigerian Aunty moves.

You’ve noticed that when you wear certain clothes people have started asking you ‘are you sure you should be wearing that at your age?’.

Please wear your bum short like that, their fathers.

No Saturday passes without you attending a wedding. But you’ve noticed the weddings you’ve been going for are those of your younger sisters age group.

Wait o when did everyone I know marry?

You’ve come to the sudden realisation that you’ve been dulling over the years and watching African Magic is actually sweet.

You’ll go and visit your friend and her children will be begging you to change the station from African Magic.

You go and visit your friend to chill and meet them scolding their children, next thing you hear is ‘go and report yourself to Aunty Yetunde’.

I’m not understanding so what am I supposed to do after they’ve reported?

You’ve also noticed that when you go and visit your friends or siblings their children have started asking you for ‘biscuit money’.

Please please please, in this economy? When did you even stop collecting biscuit money that people have started expecting you to give it.

Even when there is no aso-ebi for an owambe you and your friends will plan and co to wear.

Everything must coordinate from the way you tied your geles to the shoes you are wearing.

Your body just starts to itch you when you notice someone way younger than you didn’t kneel down to greet you.

It’s not as if you care about that o but you changed their nappies when they were babies. So imagine the effrontery.

You can’t leave an owambe anymore without making sure that you’ve collected every single souvenir that is being shared.

After all, you paid for aso-ebi and you can never have enough bowls in your kitchen.

Now that you know you are a Nigerian Aunty remember not to let that stop you from continuing to be a baby girl living your best life.

Cheers!

When someone asks if you have a pen at the bank, and you say no, even though you just stole someone’s own five minutes ago.

So you can steal, but you don’t want them to steal from you. Got it.

When you open your wallet to give offering in church and you see like five ₦1000 notes, and one ₦500 note, if you drop the 500…

If it’s to drop ₦1000 in Ozone on Wednesday now, you’ll be making it rain oh.

We know Lagos can turn your heart to Coldstone, but if you always unlook when child beggars come to meet you, it’s not good oh.

Don’t try to act like you don’t do this.

When you’re alone with a baby and it starts crying, if you start copying its mouth and crying too, you are mean!!!

Big man like you, agbaya!

Or if you pinch a baby when it won’t stop crying, where is your heart?

Is this a thing? Did I just cast myself?

If you’ve ever balanced, called and shouted at MTN’s customer care attendants, please why?

They’re not the actual people that give your phone service. Just be spoiling Janet’s day for no good reason.

When new music comes out, and instead of buying it, you become a pirate.

My brother, this isn’t how life should be oh.

If you’ve ever quickly rushed or hidden food because you knew your friend was coming to visit, why, why, why?

Hmm, the heart of man is really wicked oh.

If you’ve ever scratched your balls, then reached out to shake somebody’s hand. I just… I don’t know where to start with you.

Please- I take God beg you, don’t visit this website again until you change. Ahan!

If you always block people from entering your lane, especially in this country where people drive like they’re mad, where your heart really dey?

Asking genuinely here.

If you’ve ever typed “LMAOOOOOOOOO, I’M DEADDDD”, when really your face looked like this:

Do you think your friend deserves that kind of treatment?

That Nigerian superpower of knowing exactly when NEPA takes light?

Like all the lights and the TV can be off, but you’ll just know.

The origin story for why Danfo drivers speak the way they do, I’d be so grateful.

Because someone needs to explain how they can say ‘alaye’without using the ‘y’ or ‘e’

How you can be in traffic for 40 minutes and when you get to the front, only the Holy Spirit is there?

Explanation please.

Does this thing happen where you’re in a noisy room and it suddenly gets quiet, like one angel entered?

Please who entered? I have to know.

That unexplainable heat once they once they take light? Even if your AC/fan wasn’t on?

This thing has always bursted my head.

That thing that guys do where they say ‘wozup pretty’ to any girl that passes them on the road. What do they expect will happen?

Do they expect the girl to stop, talk about her day and then get married to them? I gats to know.

If somebody can help me show workings why the meat you go back to steal from the pot is always sweeter, it won’t be bad.

Or I lie?

That Nigerian mommy superpower, where they just magically find things that we spend 2 hours looking for?

You’ll now chop beating for not having their powers.

This one is respectful asking pls, pls. But how come Nigerian witches only want to cause accidents and prevent people from gaining uni admission?

Like you have universal visa? Why aren’t you touring the world? Again, respectfully I ask.

It has been 6 years since  Candy Crush was created. While we couldn’t get enough of it in 2014, in 2018 a lot of people seem to have pretty much gotten over it. But some people still haven’t been released from the clutches of Candy Crush. To those people I say, you are not alone and I understand.

Anytime someone sees you playing Candy Crush they go ‘Ahan you are still playing this game?’

See at this point it’s only deliverance that can save me from it.

And it’s not just the original Candy Crush game you have o, you have all the variations they’ve released after.

Asides Candy Crush Saga you have Candy Crush Soda, Candy Crush Jelly and Candy Crush Friends Saga.

You’ve even moved from the Candy Crush games to all the other games King – the developers – have to offer.

You are a real King OG if you have Pet Rescue Saga, Diamond Digger, Papa Bear Saga, Bubble Witch Saga etc

As the lives on one of your games is running out you are moving to the next one. Before that one runs out you’ve already opened another one.

And that’s how you spend your whole day in a constant loop of playing games. Then you’ll wonder why your life is not progressing.

It’s the very first thing you open on your phone when you wake up in the morning.

Instead of you to wake up and pray about your addiction.

Your friends have seriously considered staging an intervention for you, to save you from your addiction.

Some of them have already even met you to offer their emotional support.

In a rare show of strength you’ve even deleted all the apps before.

And you downloaded all of them back the very next day.

You keep telling yourself that your problem is not that bad. But you almost had a mental break down when you couldn’t pass level 1820.

But you still don’t think you need help?

Deep down you know you need help but you just can’t help yourself.

Whether it’s spiritual or psychological help you need you are not sure yet.

This is how you listen to people talk about being on levels like 809 or 902.

When you are on level 3200.

You’ve played Candy Crush to the extent that you ran out of new levels to play. Like you got to the very end.

Your body was just scratching you as you waited for the developers to create more levels.

You’ve even spent your hard earned money buying boosters so you can pass certain levels.

In this economy. Later you’ll be crying that you are broke.

This is you trying your best not to buy any other booster even though you’ve been stuck on the same level for three weeks.

Let me just buy one lollipop that’s all or 5 extra moves. After that, I’ll never spend money on Candy Crush again.

You feel an inexplicable kind of sadness when you keep failing a level.

You didn’t even feel that bad when you got your first carry over in school.

You friends on Facebook will soon block you because you keep sending them request to give you more lives.

And you get upset when they don’t.

You get very upset when you run out of lives to play.

Now now 5 lives have gone, how come?

But if you are a real Candy Crush OG, then you know about that date changing hack that can get you extra lives.

Even though sometimes you regret knowing it as you waste your day away on Candy Crush.

You have to carry a power bank anywhere you go, because the game keeps draining your battery.

If you are going to be out for a long time you’ll even carry two power banks and your charger.

You get a little bit jealous when you meet someone who has passed your level on Candy Crush.

You thought you were the greatest abi?

You’ve even forgotten how to network in public because you are always glued to your phone.

Candy Crush is my only friend now.

Getting married is a beautiful experience. And getting ready to live the rest of your life with the one you love is exhilarating. But because we Nigerians are the way we are getting married here is a pretty unique experience compared with the rest of the world.

You’ll find that everyone from your security guard to your oga at work has some advice to give you on married life.

Trust us there’s nothing you won’t hear in your first year of marriage.

Your single friends will stop inviting you for rocks the way the used to before.

I got married I didn’t get sent to jail now.

If you get married to a foreigner just brace yourself for all the jokes about you marrying for green card.

As if that’s not a valid reason for someone to marry. But it’s not us that told you.

The day after your wedding day everyone is going to start asking you when the kids will come.

As if children automatically come with marriage certificate.

You’ll spend a significant amount of your first year of marriage apologizing to people that didn’t get invited to the wedding when you run into them.

You’ll still apologize again when you have your first kid and don’t invite them for naming ceremony.

Living with the one you love will take some getting used to. And you’ll get annoyed very many times.

Imagine finding out that the person you are married to is one of those people that don’t know how to share duvet.

This is how you react when people expect you to start doing ‘couple’ things right of the bat.

An usher in church will come and ask you and your partner if everything is ok at home because you guys didn’t wear and co to church.

You’ll be so confused the very first time your partner has to leave you alone for a couple of days.

5 days will feel like 5 years.

You can’t understand why people keep telling you that you guys are in a honeymoon phase and that it won’t last.

Do you mean us well ni?

When you gain a little weight because of marriage enjoyment and everyone starts assuming you are pregnant.

It’s not pregnancy o married life is just sweet.

If you make the mistake of going anywhere alone everyone will ask you where is Oga or Madam.

Please, we are not conjoined twins. Behave.

You’ll hate sharing a bathroom with your partner as much as you love them.

If someone isn’t leaving hair and makeup everywhere, someone else will keep leaving the toilet seat up.

Nothing beats coming home to a warm body to cuddle with after a long day of work.

Anyone who tells you marriage is not sweet is lying to you.

Some of your in-laws will get on your nerves it’s unavoidable.

But you won’t die.

Some people will never let you forget you are married. They’ll even tell you that you are not acting married enough.

First of all my name is not Mrs. And how does one even act married?

It’s the 2nd of December and Christmas lovers all over the world have begun counting down to Christmas Day. Although if you are a true Christmas lover we are pretty sure you’ve been counting down since the beginning of the year. This one is for everyone who is just as excited as we are for Christmas.

First of all, you can’t understand why the holiday doesn’t start from December 1st.

As far as you are concerned the whole month should be dedicated to Christmas, not just the 25th.

You still get as excited as you used to when you were a kid, when you see Christmas decorations anywhere.

Even though you now know that those decorations can cost more than your salary.

This is you anticipating the arrival of all your friends and loved ones who always come back for Christmas.

Your Christmas just can’t be complete without them.

You spend an unreasonable amount of time searching for Christmas deals and sales so you can enjoy your Christmas to the fullest.

Because it’s Christmas season doesn’t mean you are not still broke.

This is going to be you in January because you know your December rocks budget is going to ruin your bank account.

You’ve already accepted your fate, it’s not as if you’ll die.

Hearing people say Christmas as an adult is boring but you can’t relate because you fully intend to turn up.

Boring where, please?

You buying yourself Christmas gifts because this is how your friends reacted when you asked for Christmas gift.

You’ll sha buy yourself gift.

You have Christmas parties lined up for every weekend till the end of January.

In fact, the parties will be every day once your office should close.

You also celebrate Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Because people need to realize that Christmas is not just on the 25th.

When you realize that you don’t really have money for Christmas decorations.

But will that stop you from buying Christmas tree? No it won’t.

When your boss at work tries to ask you to work on Christmas day.

Or even any day that week.

When you hear people saying they only remembered it was Christmas season when they started seeing the decorations.

What sort of disrespect is that?

When you are telling you friends about the Christmas clothes you got and they tell you “At your big age you are still buying Christmas cloth”.

Christmas cloth doesn’t have age limit. Plis dear.

This is you judging people who are just putting their Christmas playlist together.

Your own Christmas playlist has been ready since July.

When you come to the realization that your bank account won’t really let you enjoy Christmas the way you want to.

You’ll still sha manage. After all, garri cake is still cake.

Back in Uni, if you weren’t a club boy, what really were you?

No seriously, before G-boys ruined everything, Club boys were the business.

Can you remember how it felt when, after hearing about club boys, the biggest ones in school came to invite you to join them?

Lowkey, you were scared they wanted you to join a cult though.

Then they mentioned all the 20k you’ll be dropping for house, club , school and even church party and your head started spinning.

Can we respect our allowances, please dear?

Five minutes after you finally agreed, your Twitter, Facebook and birth certificate name changed to ‘Yinka InXcess’

Back of jersey too. If you don’t give them, how will they take it?

Did you ever see a club boy meeting? Forget CEOs, these guys were making serious power moves

No jokes, these guys were making power moves.

If you don’t believe us, every club boy had a position. There was The Chiefo, 1st co, 2co, treasurer and freshers

The hierarchy was solid, forget!

One of the best things about being a club boy was when it was time to do event publicity and they had to go to all the hostels in branded t-shirts

They swore this was what they looked like this though

If your friends didn’t try to hustle you to allow 10 of them enter your club event for ₦2 500, you had really good friends

Seriously, boys were not smiling that year.

If you think you know disappointment, then let club boys tell you about how girls, drivers and venues cancelled on the day of their events

And it was never the week or day before. Always that very day!

That disappointment is even small, club rivalries were the realest. Imagine literally no one showing up to your club event because another club picked the same day to throw a party

And you thought they knew how to fight on Game of Thrones.

If you think club boys just liked to party, guess again. These guys were cashing out!

Think of it, 3 000 for regular, 5 000 for VIP. Table fees, couple fees, these things usually added up!

Were you a club boy? did all your parties bang? Let us know!!!

Have you ever invited your friend to play Fifa 18, only for them to beat you 5-0 in your own home?

Just throw the whole friendship away dear.

Or when you balanced to eat suya you bought, saved the biggest piece for the grand finale, only for your friend to swoop in and take it?

Wars have started for less, no lies.

Have you felt pain if your friend didn’t post the picture where everyone was fine, but you forgot to suck belle on Instagram?

No really, have you?

That’s how you’d have agreed to start Game of Thrones with your best friend. Next thing, they’re telling you after one week how season 4 wasn’t as nice as 3

What a betrayed!

The worst one is when you’ve agreed to do formation for exam with your ‘friend’, only for them to pretend they can’t hear you asking for number 1-20 in obj

This life is a pot of beans indeed.

This one is even for family members. If your sister hasn’t stolen the clothes you were saving for fire rocks, and posted them on Instagram first, count yourself lucky!

This means war.

The worst one is when your friend uses force to invite you for a party and disappears as soon as both of you get there

They’ll now start asking if you enjoyed the party when you’re heading home.

When you’re about to drive out and your best friend and boyfriend are using eye to fight for who will sit in front

My sister, just leave the car for them.

Any friend that can let you do this to yourself, please re-consider the friendship oh

Seriously. Friendship over!

There’s nothing, quite literally, that hasn’t been said about the state of Nigeria’s universities and the education system, at large.

You’ve heard it all. Nigerian universities are understaffed, underfunded and overcrowded. Their curriculums are as old as the lecturers’ degrees.

Gangs begin to scout you from the very first day like a Barcelona prospect. Lectures happen by the special grace of God and nothing else.

All of this paints the picture of a Nigerian university as a sufferhead training school.

And no-one knows this to be true more than the sufferheads-in-training themselves; students.

If they understand the problems, it only makes sense that they’d have a few ideas on how to fix things.

We asked 5 Nigerian undergrads what they would do to fix their universities.

Here’s what they said.

Oriafo Fehintola – The University of Benin.

“Students should be admitted strictly to study the courses they choose, as opposed to instances where they get admitted for a vague course as consolation.  Lecturers should teach students with enthusiasm and stop looking at them as avenues to make extra money.”

“Things would be better if we had genuine teacher-student relationships, coupled with innovative ways of teaching that don’t involve needless dictation and long rambling.”

Babalola Oyinlola Jane – Adeniran Ogunsanya College of Education.

“A good place to start would be for the Federal Government to increase the funds provided for the educational sector and ensure it’s effectively spent (because, corruption.)”

“And why don’t we have internet access on Nigerian university campuses in 2018, please? That – and basic amenities like well-equipped libraries and laboratories – so we can do what we actually came to school for.”

Olumuyiwa Aguda – University of Ilorin, Ilorin, Kwara State.

“We need to create a more practical structure. We should set up exchange programs with universities outside Nigeria and Africa. And learning is not just about long lectures and bored students – extracurricular activities and skill acquisition will help nurture talents and so on.”

“And finally, we should show existing lecturers that they won’t die if they use tech and the internet to be better at their jobs, and hire more hands.”

Oluwasindara Dada – National Open University Of Nigeria.

“It would be unrealistic to claim the hero and want to turn things around for my entire school but there’s one thing I did and can do, its self-tutoring.”

“Students coming together to study something they’ve learned individually, together is one way to balance this entire issue. And that’s what I did.”

Avan-Nomayo Osasenaga. University of Lagos.

“Going to a Nigerian University is more like a survival course than getting an actual education. Whoever decides the teaching outline needs to learn what the internet is. It’s 2018, not 1982.”

“Let’s do a refresher course and introduce these old geezers to the world today. The delivery method needs to change. If you can’t get familiar with new teaching methods and tools, you shouldn’t be lecturing. Simple. We’re paying school fees please, don’t stress me.”

There you have it, folks. If there’s one thing that stands out here, it’s that Nigerian students have little faith in the capacity of the people who teach and train them.

For instance, Naga, who describes himself as “a very concerned and pained student that can’t wait to finish school and breathe easy” goes on to say “A Doctorate isn’t any proof that you can teach or should be teaching.”

“It doesn’t make sense when people with no imagination are put in charge of lecturing young individuals with dreams and aspirations.”

So is there any hope, you ask?

Things may look pretty gloomy, but not all hope is lost–we can fix Nigerian universities.

Our biggest obstacle is that education is expensive, and as things are, our country is too broke to afford the quality that it’s young people need.

There are some ways to overcome this–A wise man has suggested working with private employers to design the curriculum (and hopefully provide some funding). But that’s long-term stuff.

Going by what our undergrads think, introducing some senior citizens to the internet as quickly as possible might be a good place to start.

Let us know what you’d do to fix things in the comments. Don’t be shy.

Is it just me, or do Nigerian artistes have a very bad habit?

No please, help us gauge.

They drop a song, make a video and do the work nobody sent them, they add “to be continued” at the end

Please, who sent you people work?

In the history of seeing ‘to be continued’ in Nigerian music videos, maybe only Eedris Abdulkareem actually kept his word

Lowkey, we’re still waiting for Mr Lecturer Part 5-10 to drop

So, if any of these people are your friends, let them know we’re still waiting for concluding gist on these streets:

Maye Hunter, who really gave Ekaete that belle?

How many years now, was it you? was it your friend? We need answers

OBO, don’t think because you’ve been dropping hits left and center, we’ve forgotten that girl stole your jewellery in “All of you”

Did you catch her? Is someone else rocking your chains? Tell us!

Wande Coal, you did us dirty with this Super Woman video!

So what happened to the super woman? Did she survive? The boy nko? Is oyibo police nicer than SARS? let us know!

David, this your bad habit has to stop. See Gobe oh, literally

So did you survive? Who gets the girl in the end? These are important questions David

P-Square, it’s not done. You can’t drop hot moves like that and not give us the end of the gist

To make matters worse, you’ve broken up so we’ll probably never know what happened.

MC-Galaxy, you can not start sweet work and not finish it

So did you remain a palm-wine tapper? what about the king, did he end up liking you? We await part 2!

You’re finally in University! So what if they gave you Yoruba education when you wanted Medicine? school is school!

Or did we lie?

You probably were a little confused when you got to your hostel. Is this a guard room? Were they robbed?

Surely there must be a mistake!

Only there’s no mistake, this is your life for the next 4-7 years. Let’s see what ASUU decides sha.

Brace yourself!

On a normal level, forget 4 man-rooms in Nigerian hostels. Multiply 4 by 5 and we can start talking

8 on the beds and 14 lying down is actually one of the good rooms oh!

If that’s bad, squatters can start dragging bed space with you. You’ can even hear “sorry, I didn’t know you wanted to sleep this night”

You snooze, you lose in a boys hostel. Facts only!

In the mornings, what better way to wake up than to the sweet sound of your hostel mate screaming for you to be born again?

He’s just trying to save your soul, pls pls.

Spiderman, okada and shot-put, If you don’t know what these mean, we can’t help you

If you know, you know.

If you ever dropped the soap when taking your bath, that’s the floor’s soap now

In fact, if you fell when taking your bath, just leave yourself for the floor.

When you were taking your bath and someone suddenly wanted to help you rub soap where you missed

Hello, hope all is well?

Did anyone else know a guy that didn’t even have admission, but somehow got bed space in Uni?

Ask what they’re doing and they’ll say they’re waiting for one or two things to click.

Those nights when NEPA takes light and boys can’t sleep, that’s when community therapy starts

That’s when you’ll start hearing boys complaining how they’re on their extra, extra, extra year.

If you didn’t suddenly realise you could cook when you were at your brokest, did you even go to Uni?

There is such a thing as water soup and it’s not as bad as it sounds.

When the atmosphere of relaxation is too much and boys suddenly produce drums and start playing from room to room

Those parties were actually the littest

The cruise in boy’s hostels was actually too much. What were your best moments in hostel?

Your time in university is one of the most fun periods in your life – to start with, you finally leave home.

In the four or five years there, you will make new friends and do things on your own terms for the first time in your life.

But nothing prepares you for the switch-up that happens when you get to final year.

All of a sudden, nobody wants to flex anymore. Even your most playful friends are suddenly serious. It just feels like life increased the difficulty level to “Very Hard”.

Take it from someone who knows. Your final year in University is the first year of the rest of your life.

After years of evading it, you finally have to confront the thought of what comes after school. Getting through university is no longer the focus, you now have to decide what comes next and what you intend with the rest of your life. Congratulations, shit just got real.

Everyone expects you to have a plan for your future.

Every single person in your life, from the OPC guy at the end of your street to the Ibadan uncle who has no intention of helping you, will ask you questions like ‘Where do you want to work?’ ‘Do you want to do your masters?’ Nobody cares if you’re still thinking. This life is really just a pressure-cooker and guess what? Someone just turned the power on and poured jollof rice ingredients on your head.

It’s when all your hens come home to roost.

It’s one long year of living with all the decisions you’ve made through the last three or four years. Remember that time you skipped a test to go on a road trip? That’s why your CGPA looks like it needs a blood transfusion. In the immortal words of J.Cole, “choose wisely”.

You will work your ass off in final year.

From projects and trying to boost your CGPA, to trying to maintain and build important relationships for the world outside, your finals will be pure, undiluted stressss. Be prepared.

If your parents are like mine, final year is when they’ll first tease you with independence.

You may first notice it when you ask for 10,000 naira and they send you 8,000 because life is hard and it just is what it is. If you think that’s cruel, wait till you start collecting allawee.

Final year is where friendships go to die.

As you begin to figure things out in the final months, you’ll notice that you and some friends drift apart and you don’t know why. Most times, it’s because you have your eyes set on different paths and it’s difficult to focus on anything else. And that’s fine. Make new friends, figure your path.

But it’s not all savagery and work.

You’re in the top echelon of the school now and with that comes a special form of respect. Freshmen will look up to you like a young Pete Edochie, someone who has arrived at the final stage of an experience they’re just getting into. You have great power in your hands. Use responsibly.

Odds are you are around that time in your life and need help, like I did.

If you are, you should fill this form. No promises, but we’re here to help you figure things out.

As we all know, there has been a long standing battle between ajebutters and ajepakos

Now, while the jury is still out on just what makes you butter or pako; like where exactly do you belong if anointing oil doubles as your body cream, or which place do we put you if you see a crocodile and immediately think — “Lacoste!”?

One thing we can agree on is that whether butter or pako, razzness is at an all time high!

It isn’t even derogatory at this point. It’s a way of life many have chosen. I for one have embraced my razz calling and it didn’t even have to call me, I flashed it twice!

If like me you are now one with the razzness, the following are a number of things you might have experienced:

If you know this dance, and are intimately familiar with it — back arched, tongue out and all; we appreciate your efforts in moving our razz agenda, we’re proud of you!

If you see your friends and greetings like “werey”, “oloshi” and “washere” are not far from your mouth, then we hail you and washere to you too!

Is this how you struggle to hold yourself when Legbe gbe comes on and you haven’t given them the reverse shaku with rotating handkerchief combo?

What is a spoon and fork when meat is staring at you with confidence? If Dangote likes, he should be in front of you, this is how you handle any obstacle

If you and your friends have done group-shoki in the club, we love you. Let’s sit down and discuss dance moves sometime

This one isn’t really razz oh, but if this has ever been your face when you’ve heard people discussing entering Ubers, but you know in your heart of hearts, you can enter bike from Ikeja to Awoyaya, we’re giving you honourary razz membership. Just take it like that!

Nigerian Politics is the gift that just keeps giving. Just when you thought Dino Melaye had proved himself worthy of his skits and questionable dress sense, Aisha Jummai Al-Hassan, known to most as Mama Taraba, showed up this week to serve us with real petty goals.

For those who don’t know her, Mrs Alhassan first came to the spotlight when she lost the race to be governor of Taraba State to Darius Ishiaku of the PDP. For her troubles, she was made Minister of Women Affairs in 2015. Here’s where it gets interesting.

This year. The APC screened her out of the race for the governorship ticket. So our mother in pettiness left the party. Fair enough right? Except on Thursday, her ‘boys’ showed up at the APC secretariat to relieve them of all the things she had donated to the party.

She packed it all, people of God. From computers and office furniture to rugs and air conditioners.

If I move, my property moves – Mama Taraba

Imagine it. One minute, you’re sitting in your new office, the next, someone asks you to stand up because the owner wants to collect her chair and table back.

Hate it or love it, Mama Taraba has set a new standard in showing people you’re actually in charge. Which reminds of us of a few circumstances where we’ve seen these before.

These are the classes of Nigerian politicians Mama Taraba reminds us of.

Those people who want to see how low you can go because they’re already lower.

One day, Dino Melaye will release a full mixtape with Vic-O as his campaign material, just so you know it’s real.

Those people who are sure you can’t create as much trouble as them

Fayose is what pettiness would be if it came from Ekiti, enjoyed frying akara with market women and had ambitions to become a DJ and President at the same damn time.

The class of politicians who will do anything to see their dreams come true

Some of these people have changed parties more times than we’ve eaten in the last three days. But who’s counting right?

Then there are the godfathers that will promote their nephew to firstborn because the first son is misbehaving.

Flogging a bad child, according to Jagaban.

Those people who will bring out your black file the moment you stop being friends

You can go from being the saviour of the world to being a complete nuisance in two days.

Did we leave anyone out? If there are other petty icons, let us know in the comments.

Hauwa Liman, a Nigerian midwife with the International Community of the Red Cross, has passed. She was 24.

The 24-year-old was executed by a faction of the terrorist group, Boko Haram on Monday, October 15 after months in captivity.

Nigerians are outraged. They’ve criticised the government’s reaction to Boko Haram’s threats to kill her over a week ago.

In this time of mourning, we want her to be remembered not for the pain that followed her demise, but for her selflessness.

Hauwa became a midwife at an early age and was “truly dedicated to her work helping vulnerable women in her family’s home area” in Nigeria’s troubled North-East.

Her devotion to her work led Hauwa to Rann, a town in Kala/Balge LG in Borno State. It’s the easternmost LGA in Nigeria, on the edge of Sambisa forest.

The area has been a hotbed of the insurgency for years. The young aid worker was abducted there when Boko Haram attacked the town on March 1, 2018.

You could say Hauwa knew what she was signing up for but she cared enough to do it anyway.

Her selflessness endeared her to colleagues and friends. They knew and loved her as a sociable, dynamic and enthusiastic woman.

While she was in captivity, there were numerous calls for her release, from home and abroad.

Hauwa Liman made the ultimate sacrifice to bring hope to a land covered in despair.

That’s how we must remember her.