In a few days, Nigerians will besiege polling booths the country over, to make a decision on who gets to call themselves as “The President of Nigeria” for the next 4 years.

But before then, we thought to answer any questions you might have about the upcoming elections. Like say, what finger do I use to vote (the forefinger), and can I watch a KUWTK marathon before heading out to my polling unit? (you can, provided you take a little break to in-between to vote between the hours of 7 am and 5 pm).

Here are the answers to any other questions you might have about the 2019 elections:

When exactly are the elections?

The Nigerian general elections will hold on the 16th of February, while the Governors will get their moment to shine come March 5th, together with the candidates for the state assemblies and area councils.

What do I need to be eligible to vote?

First things first, you must be at least 18 years of age, so if the words — ‘Scrap Palace’ don’t mean anything to you, sit this one out kid. You must of course be Nigerian and must have registered for and collected your PVC.

.

Oh man, PVC! I keep forgetting to get that. Can I still get mine?

About that. February 11th is the very last day for PVC collection. So if you missed it all this while,you have a final chance, come Monday the 11th. Head to INEC Local Government Office, closest to the location you registered — then you just might stand a chance. A small one though, but try sha.

How many parties are contesting the 2019 elections?

Final figure locked, a total of 74 parties will be contesting for the post of president. Something about Nigeria’s dwindling economy and lackluster policies on education really got the candidates going.

Those are a lot of parties. Who should I be voting for?

Whoever you feel honestly and truly has the range to bring the dollar back into that 140-naira side, please dear. But really, any candidate you feel has Nigeria’s best interests at heart. Good luck finding one.

Got it! What are 3 things I absolutely have to bear in mind on voting day?

Do not forget your PVC. Make sure to have checked these INEC guidelines to know what to expect at your polling unit. And of course, leave your drip at home.

You do not want to ruin your favourite shoes if your polling unit happens to be attacked.

When can I start tweeting about Nigeria’s next official president?

The results for the presidential and senatorial elections will be released between 3 to 5 days after voting has been carried out. So mark your calendars for anywhere between the 18th and 21st of February.

When will the next leaders of Nigeria be sworn in?

Despite Democracy Day being moved to June 12th, the 29th of May will remain the valid date for the swearing-in of elected officials.

What else would you like to know about the 2019 elections? Let us know!

The 2019 general elections are a little over a week away. On the 16th of February, some 84 million registered voters, will defy the pull of Saturday morning television, to make their way to polling units scattered country-wide. They will make a choice as to who gets to most likely, but hopefully not — screw us over for the next 4 years.

As with everything in Nigeria, the electoral process for the 2019 elections, has been nothing, if not a struggle. And sure Nigerians have dissociated struggle with being well… struggle, slapping words like sacrifice on it, and extolling it as some kind of test in virtue.

But there’s only so much lipstick you can put on a pig, struggle is struggle, is struggle.

Take the PVCs for instance. These bad boys are so important, they have their own catch phrase- ‘no PVC, no vote’.

So riddle me this, for something that important, why does it appear as though INEC officials, in their little Whatsapp group, had a running bet as to who could make life the hardest for intending voters?

Despite having 4 years to plan for the elections, the majority of INEC officials were grossly under-resourced for the PVC registration process. There were centers with single (malfunctioning) laptops to cater to teeming crowds. These, among other things, produced queues long enough to test even the most ardent voting-activists. Are current fuel prices being double the cost they were in 2015, really worth attaining middle age, on a never-ending queue? Arguable, but I’m leaning towards a no.

Nigerians far and wide felt the stress of this process. Registering was hard, collecting- equally as bad.

And yet, while registering and collecting PVCs are crown struggles in their own right — no struggle is more apparent than the fact that despite shining our eyes, like all the music videos tell us to, Nigerians have been backed into 2 opposing walls emblazoned with an umbrella and broom respectively.

As it stands, Nigerians do not have the option of choosing between the devil we know and that which we don’t. We know them, their avoidance is the real issue.

This is because despite having 74 parties in the running for the presidency — when it boils down to it — the elections are really a struggle between 2 parties alone – The APC and The PDP.

These parties, with no real ideologies to begin with, are the outcome of so much in-breeding and cross-carpeting, it’s hard to tell where one ends, and the other begins.

Their front-runners are Nigeria’s current president and a former vice-president; 2 persons whose abilities in democratic governance, Nigerians are very well aware of.

While Buhari’s track record has seen him do everything from running the country perched in a sick-bay of sorts, to throwing hands and a tantrum with the laid down law. Atiku’s has seen him embroiled in corruption sagas so twisted, a US lawmaker lost his job on one occasion, and the United States had him banned from visiting their country in another.

And while yes, there is the option of voting with your heart and choosing a third force candidate to represent the country, the sad reality is, these parties just do not possess the range to compete against these super-powers.

Worse still, if PVC struggles and mirror-image candidates aren’t enough to contend with, voting day brings with it, the opportunity to play the most involuntary game of Russian Roulette yet.

Will your unit be the one to get attacked? Is someone going to run away with the ballot boxes? Perhaps your center will get shot up.

Trust the Nigerian voting process to always keep things spicy.

Like clockwork- every election suffers though some violence or other. In 2011 alone, about 800 Nigerians lost their lives to election violence that followed the victory of Goodluck Jonathan as Nigeria’s president.

And with news of arms being impounded every other day on Nigerian roads and borders, it’s hard to not view the upcoming elections with more than a little trepidation.

But that’s the repeated story of Nigeria. Why afford the people real choices and ease of life, when life can be made as difficult and unpleasurable as is possible?

Will the 2019 elections break the chain? Clearly not, but being the eternal optimists that religion and delusion have afforded us, we’ll continue to hope for better in coming years.

It isn’t exactly clear when it started. But somewhere between all the off-colour, colourism jokes, Jollof rice comparisons and pronunciation riffs, Ghana dusted their slippers from Nigeria’s side of mediocrity and are currently winning at life.

As it stands, our neighbours from the west are staring prosperity in the face, and all we can do is tight Jollof rice to our chest. Cue clown music.

For some reason, Nigerians operate under the assumption that other African countries are the abysmal fuck-ups that we are.

We’ve probably been carrying shoulder for Ghana because of that time in 1983 where we had it so good, we kicked them out of Nigeria. Or may be because of that random story that Nigeria gives Ghana electricity (it’s actually just gas), we think they’re operating on our one-day on, one-day off light antics.

Well, jokes on us because, that Ghana we’ve been using small eyes to look at, they are not our mates. At all.

They don’t have to use almighty formula to know when NEPA will bring light.

For starters, while Ghana doesn’t have 100% uninterrupted power supply, it’s still such a strange phenomenon to its people, it has its own name – Dumsor.

Some parts of Ghana, however, enjoy 24-hour power supply, which is 20 more hours than most Nigerian parts can boast of.

To burst heads further, to make sure nobody is flying to turn the gen on in the middle of Arsenal’s loss, Ghana has an actual time-table that schedules when power-cuts would be made to shed the country’s power-load.

Nigeria, can you see your mate?

Their economy is going waaay up.

While Nigeria continues to break records with her unemployment rate, and reach new-lows with her high poverty rate, Ghana is on the verge of becoming one of the world’s most promising economies.

In 2018, The New York Times cited Ghana as having one of the fastest growing economies in the world. This is because, instead of accepting oil as their Lord and master (yes, they have oil too) like Nigeria currently does, they have a reasonably diversified economy.

A key sector the country has chosen to focus on is agriculture. Agriculture makes up to 54% of Ghana’s GDP, which makes Nigeria’s 18.78% contribution in 2018, pale in comparison.

They even have tourism on lockdown.

Now this one really hurt. While Nigeria’s 2018 Detty December involved going to pretty much the same concert 5 times, with the same performers and audience; Ghana took theirs several notches higher, giving the people the rocks they deserve, and promoting their tourism sector with a single event- The Full Circle Festival.

Everyone was there, and I mean everyone. American celebrities like Boris Kodjoe, Anthony Anderson, Jackie Aina, Cynthia Bailey, Mike Hill, Naomi Campbell, Edward Enninful, Idris Elba, even my baby-daddy who is yet to know my name- Diggy Simmons was present. He was so touched, he waxed lyrical on the finer points of Ghana in an Instagram post.

Man, even Wizkid and Burna Boy look happier in Ghana?

So, improving electricity production, stellar economy and now it looks like they’re ready to have their tourism industry take center stage.

But here we are, bragging about how our pronunciation of “pastor” doesn’t sound like macaroni.

Guess who’s getting a national airline? Hint: It’s Not Nigeria.

Back in 2018, Nigerians got very excited, then swiftly unexcited, when the news that we would be getting a national carrier was quickly shut down with the news of an indefinite halt on proceedings.

This is despite consultations having been made, and a dubious logo being promoted. All of this cost us ₦1.5 billion btw. No big.

Ghana, on the other hand, is on the way to having its own national carrier. It has done the workings and has seen the need to partner with Ethiopian Airlines, by signing a Memorandum of Understanding to assist in flying the country’s national carrier.

The airline is yet to kick off but tentatively plans to begin operations in 2019.

So which arline do you think will hit airspaces first?

Wrong answer if you picked Nigeria Air.

So there you have it. Ghana is currently living life on the prosperous edge, while we get to watch it live, decked in our shitty economy, volatile safety and no-airline having positions.

If nobody else is going to say it, I will — “Ghana please come back. Or at least show us the way.” Plis dear.

Scratch that, you and I know who he offended. Insert ‘allegedly’ where necessary. Moving on…

When Ambode picked up that APC nomination form in 2015, I bet there was no way in hell, he could have conceived a reality in which he would be exiting the governorship — impeached and defeated, with just one term under his belt. Yet here we are, four years later, and our guy is staring the embarrassing record of a single, unpopular tenure and the harsh reality of impeachment in the face. Life does come at you fast when you’re waist-training.

The gist of the story is, on January 27th, the Lagos State House of Assembly put things in motion to make it really, really hard for Ambode to leave office with even a third of his dignity intact. They announced a plan to impeach the Governor for offences they stated to be gross misconduct and illegal budgetary spending.

The “gross misconduct” and “illegal budgetary spending”, is actually Ambode incurring expenses on the Lagos State 2019 budget, which has yet to be passed. Yikes!

So here’s what happened, Ambode has been trying for a little bit to present the Lagos State budget before the Lagos State House of Assembly for approval.

Back in December 2018, Ambode avoided directly presenting the budget before the house as is the custom, and instead sent a verbal communication of the ₦852,317 billion budget proposal to the house. This was followed by a formal letter, with the proposed attached and sent to the House of Assembly on the 24th and 28th respectively.

Now we can’t say for sure why he didn’t grace them with his presence, but a quick guess would be that little business last year, where the ENTIRE HOUSE went against Ambode and supported Sanwo-Olu during the APC primaries. But we can only guess.

Anyway, the House was on recess, so the budget could not be presented.

Fast forward to January 10th. The House of Assembly specified that Ambode must appear before it and present the Appropriation Bill in person, none of that proxy shit.

So he tried again. On January 21st, he attempted to present the budget before the House of Assembly. To get things rolling, he sent out a prior week’s notice to the House, to avoid any cases of had thy know.

On D-day, the pressmen had gathered outside the house, Ambode’s advance crew was also present, and it seemed like this budget was finally going to be presented you know.

Only, it didn’t happen. Officially, the House of Assembly denies being informed of the Governor’s plans to present the budget to the house. But I believe that, as much as I believe in my abilities to finish my monthly squats’ plan.

Ambode’s administration now holds the record for the longest a Lagos state governor has gone without presenting the state budget for the year. Uh-oh

With the delay in having the budget presented and passed, expenses are still being incurred by the state which the government has to offset. But the State Assembly? yeah, they don’t like that.

The House of Assembly currently wants Ambode’s head on a spike because of his spending money out of a budget that is yet to be passed or even officially presented.

So much so, 28 out of 34 members of the House want him impeached. While 6 want him to resign.

According to the speaker of the Lagos State House of Assembly – Mudashiru Obasa, “The most important thing is that we should let the people know that a budget that was yet to be approved was being spent.”

Ambode currently has a week to get his plans together and explain before the house, the reason the 2019 budget is already incurring expenses.

Will he have past next week? We wait.

He’s on the street, he’s where you eat, he’s around the corner, and on the walls of Ipaja. Coming to a square-space near you: a poster, billboard, lifesize cut-out, blimp and app (yes, even the PlayStore isn’t safe) of the Lagos State Gubernatorial candidate- Babajide Olusola Sanwo-Olu.

I have to call out his full government name because this man has tried in my life. I sneeze, the Sanwo-Olu poster to my right blesses me. I eat and forget to clear the dishes, the Sanwo-Olu pop-up ad on my phone reminds me to clear up. I have seen way, way too much of this man for someone I am not having relations with. So Saturday last week— I put my foot down. Enough was actually enough. No longer would his and Hamzat’s vote-pleading, death stares trail me as I rode to work, I would simply look away, or cross my eyes until whatever campaigning gimmick employed was obscured in my vision.

And it worked! Posters lining the streets? Too bad my eyes are closed to that BS., life-size cut-out jumps at you in traffic? Great thing I’m too busy staring at my nose to take notice then. For about 2.5 days, I was Sanwo-Olu free and couldn’t have been happier. It all came to a screeching halt however, when I decided to cross the bridge to see how the other side lived. That’s when my problems started.

While driving back from post-work drinks at Bourdillon last week Tuesday, my colleagues and I started a game called: “is that a bank or someone’s actual house?”, which, If you’ve ever been on Bourdillon, you’d completely understand.

I love Ikoyi. It’s aspirational, the air smells like new Benzes and the streets look like they were paved with dollars. It’s also Sanwo-Olu central, a fact which, until it was too late, I sadly forgot.

We joked and pointed at a lot of buildings, deeming them non-residential for our own peace of mind. When it came to my turn, I attempted to get a better view of a duplex that looked like it could house a family of no less than 22 — when I made the mistake of locking eyes with one Sanwo-Olu poster. Just one. Before I knew it, I was staring transfixed at the hundreds and hundreds of hypnotising posters that lined the streetlights of Bourdillon as our car sped past.

I didn’t feel so good after that. Strange thoughts filled my head when I eventually got home. “Is his campaign really that aggressive?” “What would his voice sound like saying Igbega Eko?”.

By morning, my condition had worsened.

Where formerly, I would roll my eyes at, or just outrightly ignore the deluge of Sanwo-Olu posters on the road, I started to notice new, worrying things. Like how blue is actually his colour, or how he really should stick to the bearded look and dump the beardless one for now. How his eyes crinkled when he gave us that side-smile in the agbada campaign shot. How I couldn’t decide if the framed or frameless glasses suited him better (I’m team frameless now though). Guys, I was so lost in the weird sauce, I actually started looking out for new places he could put his posters.

My crush (?) grew even stronger when the photos of him visiting the phone repair-shop and the hair salon dropped. Instead of acknowledging them for the terrible mess of photo-ops they really were — I, and I alone deciphered the inner meanings of his actions.

Like how him tending to this lady’s hair simply meant he was ready to wash and set Lagos for better times ahead.

Or how his aggressive handling of this poor tire, simply meant this was the energy he’d adopt in solving most of Lagos’ problems.

And these squeaky clean mechanic overalls? Obviously, they implied how he’d take care of Lagos’ finances and other problems without any corruption stains on himself or Hamzat.

Lmao, I actually can’t continue writing this with a straight face. Can somebody please beg Sanwo-Olu to relax on this campaign before it turns to fight here?

Every so often, it seems as if the Nigerian government gets a little bored, lets out a loud fart and plots the most dramatic way to shake things up for Nigerians.

One time it was the god-awful decision to change UNILAG to MAULAG. Another time, the president shut down a whole city for a day just so he could commission a bus-station (that doesn’t even work btw).

But in 2012, they overstepped and messed with something Nigerians don’t play with — their fuel. And for that reason, #OccupyNigeria became necessary.

Now if you’re Nigerian, you already know fuel is pretty much a part of the family. Who’s going to make sure you don’t miss that Man U match when NEPA take light when it starts raining (and they always take light when it starts raining, it’s the law)? Who’s going to make sure the fan calms your nerves when the transformer blows and nobody is ready for the fix-up bill? Fuel, that’s who.

Here’s what happened — Nigeria produces oil, but ridiculously can’t refine it. So we export crude oil and have refined oil imported. This usually comes at a hefty price and includes crazy importer fees. The government subsidises these costs, so it won’t be like Nigerians aren’t even enjoying this oil that the Lord saw to bless us with.

However, at the start of 2012, the Nigerian government, led by President Goodluck Jonathan, realised the costs were a little too high for the government to shoulder, so it announced the removal of the fuel subsidy on New Year’s Day. Where previously, fuel prices went for ₦65/l, the new price of ₦141/l was imposed.

This led Nigerians to vex like you’ve never seen them before. It was decided that for there to be a switch-up, we had to #OccupyNigeria.

From organising street protests, human barricades, petrol station shut-downs and a social media shitstorm of epic proportions, Nigerians everywhere- locally and in the diaspora, showed their power and had the Nigerian government shitting bricks.

The #OccupyNigeria protests lasted a week and 5 days, between January 2nd-14th, 2012, eventually succeeding in pressuring the government to reduce prices from the earlier ₦141 per litre to ₦97 per litre.

It’s been a wild 7 years since the #OccupyNigeria protests. We thought it’d be nice to play catch-up with some of its most active participants and see how they’ve been doing since then:

Mohammadu Buhari

Oh you didn’t know your President was down with the man? Back in 2012, not only was Buhari against the subsidy removal, he took it a step further and argued there was no subsidy in place to begin with.

We stan a leader who can pull nothing out of something, because back in 2016, this same subsidy that “didn’t exist” — his government removed it.

Tolu Ogunlesi

If you had Googled “anti-subsidy removal voltron number 1 of Nigeria’s Twitterverse” back in 2012, Ogunlesi’s face would probably have popped up, or it should have anyway.

But would you look at God, 7-years down the line and not only is our guy working for the government as an aide, his heart has softened and he now believes subsidy removal isn’t all bad after all. Ain’t God good?

Dino Melaye

Say what you want about his other flaws and you’d probably be right, but back in 2012, Melaye was staunchly against the removal of the subsidy. He wasn’t just against it, he was fully ready to lead the charge in protest if it wasn’t removed. These days, our guy isn’t doing so well though. He’s currently in hospital for stunting a little too hard for the gram, and giving himself a high blood pressure that so conveniently keeps him away from POLICE QUESTIONING?

#Ddonthurtyourself.

Fela Durotoye

Way back in 2012, Durotoye was looking to fight for the rights of the common man. He was actually one of the frontline crusaders against the removal of the fuel subsidy. We’re not sure if we have the protest to thank, but these days, he is fully about carrying the welfare of Nigerians on his head. So much so, it’s the crux of his presidential campaign.

Banky W

You know what, maybe there was actually something in the air back in 2012. Banky W, lending his sweet, sweet, voice to the cry against the subsidy removal- was also front and center at the #OccupyNigeria protests.

These days, he’s taking his responsiblity to the masses a step further and is running for the House of Representatives in Lagos.

Ruggedman

Now I’m pretty convinced someone sprayed something in the air during the protests. Ruggedman lived up to his name and dragged the government for filth during the #OccupyNigeria protests, our guy just wasn’t having it, and for that, we’re pretty grateful.

A couple of years down the line and he’s just as involved with the people’s welfare. He was very vocal against the SARS brutality in 2018 and continues to lend his voice where needed.

We don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everything is now cost. A bag of rice has entered 10k, the good Gala betrayed us and now goes for ₦100, even shayo makers have doubled their hustle, you probably can’t find good Henny for less than ₦12,000 these days.

Now, while prices were competing for how high they could go, Nigerian salaries stared and stayed put like that planking challenge from ’09. Boys were really not smiling. So when we needed them the most, the NLC decided, enough is actually enough.

While this definitely isn’t the lasting solution the Nigerian economy needs- the NLC decided that an increase in the minimum wage was just what the doctor ordered for Nigerian pockets, struggling to keep up with rising prices. They decided ₦50 0000 would be ideal, with one candidate even promising ₦100,000 if he’s elected. Nigerians were just there looking like:

To set things in motion, a National Minimum Wage Committee was set up in November 2017, in the belief that by August/September 2018, Nigerians would be rolling in well… some extra thousands of minimum wage naira. Chris Ngige- the Minister of Labour and Productivity even promised (and failed, big surprise!!!) that by September, everything would be set.

But trust your guys, once September started drawing close, their mouths did a whole 360. Ngige pretty much told the NLC in September: “You know what, let’s adjourn this wage-committee INDEFINITELY, while the government figures some shit out”. Unluckily for the government, the NLC had time for their madness.

You know what happened next, the NLC declared an indefinite warning strike on the 27th of September, then called it off on the 30th of September, when the government promised to re-visit the minimum wage issue. They didn’t, of course. So we had that weird almost-strike thing in November- where the NLC announced a strike for November 6th, then called it off right when everybody had agreed to not iron their clothes for work the next day (apparently a wage had finally been agreed to). Which brings me to one of my biggest issues with this NLC.

You people can’t be promising and failing like this. You can’t threaten me with the good time of an indefinite strike, then call it off after only 3 days. Can’t you remember 2003? 5 days, still chilling. Those were strikes. This toss P striking is not done. It’s not done.

Anyway, after they called off the last strike, we were led to believe a ₦30 000 minimum wage had been agreed on. Some people even said Buhari had agreed to it. Ushers were ready to collect that new-new tithe, boys had already separated December rocks money in their heads; we were just chilling for alert to enter, but then there was… nothing.

But really, since the strike was called off, not a lot has been said about the minimum wage. I mean, a little talk here and some gist there, but it doesn’t look like anything really concrete is in the works.

Now this is where my frustration sets in. The government is clearly banking on the ‘we move still’ attitude of Nigerians to play hooky with this minimum wage. This belief is why workers in Zamfara state have been managing a minimum wage for years that is one-third of the measly ₦18,000 workers in other states currently collect. So while we’ve been complaining of that amount being inadequate, workers in Zamfara have had to manage ₦6,000 MONTHLY, to cater to the needs of their families.

And while the excuse for failing to implement the minimum wage, is there being no money, there are myriad places in this government that excesses can be cut. Take the National Assembly for instance, where lawmakers make about 14 million monthly. That one lawmaker’s salary, can cover the ₦30 000 monthly wage of about 466 Nigeria workers with change. So miss me with that no money talk, when clearly there’s a gold mine not being tapped into, right before our eyes.

Well, we’ll be looking out to see how this minimum wage saga plays out in the government. Until then, who can suggest anything else the NLC can do to get the government’s attention? It’s looking like this strike no too tap for the government again.

Keeping with the tradition of doing the most to ruin Christmas, don’t expect Nigeria to give you light to watch Home Alone for the 15th year running. This is because the money that was meant to literally power us through till 2019, well, it has finished.

So the gist is, the government back in 2017 granted the sum of 701.9 billion naira to the Nigerian power generating companies (GENCOs) so we would allow our generators rest a little bit and have NEPA take over once in a while. This money was meant to coast us up until 2019, so we wouldn’t have to worry about light for a little bit.

Side-note, do you know how mad it is that 701.9 billion naira was spent on electricity and we still don’t have light 24/7?

Anyway, the money that was meant to last us up until 2019, has started showing red light. The Executive Secretary of the Association of Power Generation Companies (APGC) Dr. Joy Ogaji, speaking at the Power Safety Summit, warned that the money was fast depleting and would probably not last past December 2018, not to speak of 2019.

It has gotten so bad, they’ve actually started cutting NEPA’s light. Well, not exactly- but companies responsible for generating power like Alaoji NIPP have been cut off from gas supply by Shell. Others like First Independent Power Limited have gotten letters, warning that they would be cut off shortly.

If the situation isn’t bad enough, the one authority that can actually help- The Nigerian Government, has refused to pick up their phones. Dr Ogaji has complained that representatives to the Federal Government have been unreachable to communicate how very dire the situation is.

See, I almost understand where the government is coming from. If someone was trying to reach me to borrow another couple billions of Naira, I’ll block them on WhatsApp too. But, this is the fate of Nigerians on the line here, please pick up your phones!!!

So guys, as it’s looking now, light to watch Home Alone or find out what happens at the end Iron Rose isn’t looking very likely. Charge all your power banks, get that Better Pass Your Neighbour and have a very Merry Christmas guys.

I don’t understand this thing. We don’t have water, there’s no light, but somehow I can’t bring myself to cancel this country completely.

Is this not a problem like this?

For instance, is this your reaction if you’re complaining about this country to your American friend in Chicago, and they start agreeing and adding extra to it

Hello, your work is to listen. Nobody sent you this one.

Or when you go to cool your nerves in the abroad and in the midst of all the oyibos, you hear an Igbo voice on the bus saying “ndi conainers rutere?”

Lie that you won’t run to sit with them.

No matter how annoying Nigeria is, you will always see Nigerian parents going the hardest in lace and gele for their children’s graduations abroad.

Just be giving them Nigerian ancestral swag left and right.

Look at these guys, they can be complaining about Nigeria all morning, but just mistakenly whisper: “Ghana jollof is better than Nigeria jollof” in their middle. Try it first.

Let us know what happens okay.

See, Rwandans can be telling us how they have light and their economy is going through a boom and we’ll still be asking if they have Wizkid.

But really, do they have Wizkid?

Have you seen where they’re using corruption to brag? Tell a Nigerian how your country government is stealing money and they’ll tell you to send them to Nigeria to learn work.

Only in Nigeria!

But forget, Nigerians love themselves more than they love Nigeria. We can have no light at home, no fuel in the gen, be owing 5 months gbese and still find energy for TGIF.

Nigerians are the definition of I can’t kill myself.

All this one is story though. Again, if you see Canada visa, please just start running with it.

Forget solidarity in this matter!

Meanwhile, let’s give you more reasons to love Nigeria. Subscribe to our #GameofVotes newsletter today. We’ll be telling you all the most important things that happen in politics up until the 2019 general elections.

Follow the link here so it won’t turn to fight.

When I hear people complaining about this country, I always laugh. If only they knew what this country was really trying to achieve

Nobody looks at the bigger picture.

Take light for instance. You think NEPA doesn’t know that if they don’t take light, you won’t stop watching TV and finally start the work you’re meant to

They just want to make sure you get your work done.

You’ll say our hospitals are bad and doctors are always on strike. Have you ever thought the government just wants you to work hard so you can fly out for treatment like our president?

No? Well, lucky we’re here to tell you

Okay yes, government didn’t supply water to your house but – would you have known how to use one bucket of water to cook, bathe and wash 5 shirts?

See, Nigeria just wants you to know how to manage resources, that’s the truth.

You’re complaining that Police cut the phone when you called to say robbers were attacking. Do you know why they had to do that?

They just want you to finally join that gym you’ve been saying. So you can protect yourself and stop disturbing, abi calling them.

And some might say the price of food is too high. I laugh, Nigeria is honestly too caring!

Of course prices are high, the Nigerian government just wants you to finally start that diet you’ve been talking about for years. Say thank you Nigeria!

Same with fuel scarcity. The ONLY reason we have fuel scarcity is because the government wants you to lose a little weight by walking everywhere

Quote me anywhere, that’s why we have it every year.

Traffic this, traffic that. But have you thought maybe Nigeria just wants you to learn time consciousness?

Oh yes. If traffic from mainland to island will start at 5am, leave your house at 2am, surprise the traffic.

Some might say they’re always at home because there’s no money to go anywhere. Don’t you know Nigeria just wants you to enjoy your rent?

But you spent a lot of money on the house, government just wants you to enjoy it.

Before somebody beats us on the road, it’s joke we’re joking oh!

Does anybody have Canada visa plug? Seriously?

Bananas are a little too mainstream for monkeys around here, if it’s not hard currency, please forget it!

When 70 million Naira belonging to the Northern Senators Forum went missing from the farm of its chairman- Senator Abdullahi Adamu, the most logical culprit had to be blamed – a monkey that had been ravaging the Senator’s farm.

We kid you not!

Next time you see a snake in Nigeria, before attempting to run or kill it, sharply ask if it has any 1 million it’s not using, they’re balling these days

With a whopping 36 million naira missing from the vault of the Joint Admission and Matriculation Board, a clerk working there searched her church mind and admitted that a really hungry snake decided to have a taste of that naira, 36 million of it to be precise.

If you spent time studying overnight for WAEC, cramming formulas, sorry for you oh! Who knew you could be a whole president without even suffering through junior WAEC?

As we all know, our president has been unable to produce his WAEC certificate because the military he conscripted to in 1961, remains in possession of his credentials.

Maybe he did so well, they decided to keep it for good luck. No? well…

Imagine The Avengers agreed to pick a member to fight Thanos , then every member got upset that they weren’t chosen and went on to fight him anyway. This is the story of PACT

To contest the 2019 presidential elections, a number of political aspirants banded together to form PACT to pick a consensus candidate.

When results were announced, the defeated members realised nope, they weren’t doing again and returned to their independent parties to contest the presidential elections.

True story!

When he’s not erecting statues, you can find the Imo State Governor running his state the best way he knows how — like a family business!

FYI, the Governor’s sister is currently responsible for ensuring the citizens of Imo state are happy and fulfilled.

His wife has been charged with overseeing 4 ministries in the past and he has also endorsed his son-in-law for Governor following the end of his tenure.

Also, the Imo State Governor is so invested in Lagos Sate, he had the office of Special Assistant on Lagos Affairs created in 2011 for his tenure

Serving in this very, very serious role was no other than Nollywood sweetheart- Nkiru Sylvanus, who sadly lost the role in 2012.

What is a mission Impossible to a Nigerian senator? Faced between a rock and a hard place, Dino Melaye is here to let you know there’s always an option

While being carted away to answer for allegations made against him, Dino Melaye, sensing the vehicle was changing destinations did what any normal person would do in that circumstance, jump down and threaten to kill himself.

Do the Nigerians want good roads, affordable access to healthcare and education or do they want senators that dance for them?

Dancing senators obviously! Never one to shy away from a two-step, Nigerians were blessed with a senator who knows a thing or two about breaking it down on the dance floor.

Thankfully, 2018 isn’t done with us yet! Stay tuned for a little more drama straight from Nigeria

“Naija, how far?”

Nigerians have been asking for better leaders for as long as we can remember – from street protests to social media. But judging by the state of things, we can’t say we’ve achieved much. Perhaps, it’s time to learn from people who have actually pulled it off quite well, like Nigerian musicians.

When they’re throwing all sorts of accusations at Amaka, or praying for money, our artists know how to take their pain to the people in power, and most times, they get reactions. Don’t believe us? Let’s take you on a short trip down memory lane.

“Zombie” – Fela Kuti

Who better to emulate than a man who went for the jugular and likened soldiers to zombies as people with no mind of their own? Whether Fela’s message of military oppression got across is not in doubt. The song hurt so much that weeks later, they executed the infamous raid on his home, Kalakuta Republic. On second thought, don’t try this at home.

“Mr President” – African China

This is how to convey so much agony that you oppressors may be moved to pity you. An open letter signed, sealed and delivered with pain. You will be hard pressed to find a protest song as detailed and realistic as African China’s magnum opus, yet there was no arrogance in this song. African China was simply begging because like all of us, he was actually tired-“lead us well, no let this nation to fall inside well.”

“Which Way Nigeria” – Sunny Okosun

Back when he was on his pan-African vibe, Sonny Okosun literally asked, Where exactly are we going to? He called Nigeria an agbaya ruined by indiscipline and corruption and pointed fingers at the government and regular people. This is how to do it if you want to hold everyone accountable.

“For Instance” – 2baba

Instead of going the regular route, 2face chose to imagine himself as one of the people in power. In three minutes, he outlined what we’ve come to expect from our leaders, the lives we’ve resigned ourselves to and what they could do differently. If only our leaders could imagine themselves as better people.

“Jaga Jaga – Eedris Abdulkareem”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO4qhDthUAU

Sometimes, presenting alternatives is too nice. Sometimes, you just want to say how you feel and get it over with. I imagine that’s how Eedris felt when he described Nigeria as jaga-jaga, a word that describes disarray like nothing can. The sad thing is many people still feel it’s the right term to describe Nigeria with, so maybe Eedris’ template is the way to go.

“E Wa Fun Mi Ni Visa” – Bembe Aladisa

56 years after independence, after all the protesting, it often feels like we’ve made no progress. So no-one could blame this guy when he showed up on our screens begging the international community aka ‘eyin oyinbo’ for a visa. We hear he eventually got the visa, but not without getting into trouble with, you guessed it, the Nigerian government.

“I Go Yarn” – Eldee

But even when it gets tiring, we must continue to demand more as Eldee does in this classic. He sounds tired, as we all do when we ask for a better Nigeria, but in doing so, he makes it clear that it won’t get better if we go quietly. A manual from someone who believes in his country. Side-note: The funny thing is that the video for this song is no longer available for watching in Nigeria. Ordinary complain, you can’t even complain in peace.

The former minister and tireless campaigner for the abducted Chibok girls, Obiageli Ezekwesili, is a fountain of insight and wisdom, so it’s only right that we turned some of our favorite tweets from her into motivational posters.
Why? Well, because everything looks better (and more insightful) that way.

1. The tweet about dignity.

2. The tweet about learning.

3. The tweet about the path to greatness.

4. The tweet about arrogant ignorance.

5. The tweet about the path to mediocrity.

6. The tweet about sacrifice.

7. The tweet about children.

8. The tweet about wisdom.

9. The tweet about mischievous ignorance.

---

 

Are you not motivated? For more gems go follow her on Twitter @ObyEzekwesili.

Images by Zikoko contributor, Kolapo Oladapo (@kpmy_).