When you think about Solomon Dalung, a number of things probably come to mind:

A Che Guevara enthusiast and  cosplayer.

A culturally non-binary fella.

And then, of course, Our Honourable Minister of Sports.

One thing that might not be immediately apparent, is a dark side we’ve all been mostly shielded from. Our Sports Minister might be a low-key Yahoo-boy, seeing as for the past two years, his ministry has failed to refund $130 000 erroneously sent to the Athletics Federation of Nigeria (AFN), which would you believe? He authorised to have spent!

The Beginning

It all started when, out of their obligation as the governing body of the sport of athletics, the International Association of Athletics Foundation (IAAF) pledged the sum of $20 000 for the 2017 Warri Relays and Confederation of Athletics Athletics Grand Prix which held on July 18th, 2017.

Unfortunately for the federation, they made a most dangerous mistake with Nigerians, one they are still paying for two whole years after. They erroneously forwarded $150 000 to the AFN, $130 000 more than was pledged, on March 17th, 2017. An error which Jee Isram (a Senior Manager at the IAAF) claimed had been brought to the attention of the AFN as early as March 18th, 2017 – with appeals that the excess be promptly returned.

Double unfortunate for the body, corrupt Nigerian ears tend not to work properly once money is involved, so this has more or less been the body’s reaction since appeals have been made for the sum to be returned:

What happened to the money?

According to an anonymous former board member of the AFN, the athletics federation was operating under the assumption that the IAAF had simply increased their pledge to the Warri Relays.

Because it is completely plausible that the IAAF suddenly developed a beer- belly and transformed into a benevolent Nigerian uncle, dishing out funds in excess of what was promised.

Anyway, when the money came, the AFN Secretary- Amaechi Akawo (as claimed by the anonymous source), brought $40 000 to the body, with the remainder of $110 000 being approved by the Sports Minister – Solomon Dalung to be spent on ‘certain projects’

What these projects were, well, your guess is as good mine.

Please give us back our money- IAAF

The IAAF, after promptly informing the AFN of its error back in 2017, has engaged in several measures to reclaim its money.

In November 2017, the IAAF, following several written correspondences, held a meeting with the AFN, where it was requested that the excess amount be reversed via a bank transfer, but that didn’t work.

On June 28, 2018, the AFN informed the IAAF that 50% of the amount was ready to be refunded, but again, their appeals went to voice mail.

Again, in August 2018, officials of the IAAF, while visiting Asaba, met with the Minister of Sports – Solomon Dalung and his Permanent Secretary, where the return of the funds was discussed and still, nothing happened.

Well now, they’re over it! Fully about that violent taketh by force life, the IAAF is coming with sanctions and a threat to ban Nigeria from further competitions, unless what is owed is paid promptly.

“We don’t do that here” – Solomon Dalung.

Mr. Dalung, who has only a few weeks left before he steps down and is essentially the reason for the deadline, doesn’t want to hear any of it though.

Speaking at the 2019 Okpekpe Road Race held on May 25th 2019, he was one comment shy of refusing to release the funds as reparations for colonialism. Blaming everything from the IAAF’s disorderliness to a Nigerian blackmail agenda and even the near-denial that any mistakes were made at all, he made it abundantly clear this money wasn’t coming out of any pockets in the near future.

He also somehow rationalised spending ₦ 46,800,000 on a single day’s event, declaring that: ” the money was sent for the golden relays and it was done. Are they saying there were no golden relays? ”

Right!

Here’s Why This Is A Big Ass Scam.

And it’s a really simple one too.

Imagine your big uncle – who loves you and only wants the best for you – sends you ₦ 15 000 annually. For some reason, you get an alert for ₦ 1.5 million from this same uncle, do you:

a. Immediately alert him to the increase, while obviously steering clear of spending the excess? or

b. Ball TF out, clearing the money sent before his debit alert even hits?

I want to believe your answer is ‘a’, and if not, go stand in the naughty corner with Mr. Dalung over there.

The fact that Mr. Dalung has done anything but return the money (that he okayed to have spent), despite it being grossly in excess of what was promised just goes to re-inforce that our guy knew what he was doing, and went ahead to do it anyway.

With only a little bit left before he steps down, we wait to see if he will bear the blame for Nigeria being banned from foreign sporting events, or if he’ll take steps to wash clean the ‘419’ currently etching its way across his forehead.

You ever hear some of the things perpetuated by Nigerian leaders and think: “Well, you must have been a fun head prefect to cross?”

A Nigerian leader currently re-kindling adolescent nightmares and topping 2019’s “Most Arbitrary Use of Power list” is no other than the-one-who’s-agbada-must-not be-shaken, Abdullahi Umar Ganduje. Through truly interesting cartwheels of the powers vested in him by the Constitution, he might single-handedly be responsible for the watering down of the over 200 year-old caliphate currently headed by Emir Sanusi II due to a little thing commonly known beef.

What Caused This Beef?

Now, if you had to list three things about the 14th Emir of the Sokoto Caliphate, you’d probably mention three things.

1. His preference for bow-ties.

(Or former preference before this became his casual wear)

2. His diction, which is sound enough to make any Primary school teacher proud, and

3. His affinity for telling the truth as he sees it.

Now, regarding this love for the truth. Check him out here ripping Goodluck Jonathan a new one over $20 billion that went missing from the government coffers. And here, giving a proper left to Buhari over his economic policies.

Hardly one to discriminate, the Emir also routinely let it be known that he was no fan of the Governor within whose state, his Caliphate rested. A move which we all now know is likely responsible for damaging ripple effects to the empire.

Shots Fired.

A most noteworthy cause of their friction, however, is this video released in 2017.

In it, the Emir had choice words for a Governor who went to China to collect loans of $1.5 billion for a light rail, whereas his state had a learning institution deficit, with 3-5 million students out of school, saying:

“At the end of the day, what do you benefit from it? Your citizen will ride on a train and when you ride on a train, in northern Nigeria, in a state like Kano or Katsina, where are you going to? You are not going to an industrial estate to work. You are not going to school? You are not going to the farm. You borrow money from China to invest in trains so that your citizens can ride on them and go for weddings and naming ceremonies.”

In what many perceived as a retaliation for his statement, a probe began on the Emirate Council’s finances, with interesting claims like a
₦ 37 million phone bill. This probe was however shut down through high-level interventions.

In 2019, at the peak of NextLevel campaigns, the Emir also let it be known, through thinly veiled comments, that the people should reject leaders who had only selfish interests at heart.

Ganduje was stewing in his Benjamins lined Babaringa.

The Events of May 8th, 2019.

On this day, history was made with just about the fastest law being passed in Nigeria, with the creation of 4 new Emirates. This creation was carried out on the recommendation of unknown persons to the House of Assembly to create 4 new emirates; with first class Emirs for Gaya, Rano, Karaye and Bichi .

The assembly, exhibiting a speed virtually unheard of, immediately constituted a committee, asking it to make a report by the very next day.  By Wednesday afternoon, the Assembly had passed the amendments into the Emirs (Appoints and Deposition) Act, splitting the emirate into five. By which by evening, the Governor had signed the amendments into law.

Ganduje’s Reasons.

Whatever reasons you might think lie in the creation of the additional emirates, the Governor wants you to know it has very little parts to play with having a vendetta, spelling it out clearly that the Local government Chairman, and not a whole governor deals with matters relating to the emirate.

Rather, his actions were merely vested in the best interest of the people, by granting them active participation in the traditional levels.

With a speed belying his 69 years, Ganduje also swore in
Aminu Ado Bayero of Bichi; Ibrahim Abdulkadir of Gaya; Tafida Abubakar of Rano; and Ibrahim Abubakar of Karaye, 2 days after the passage of the law, despite a court injunction restricting him from doing so.

How is Emir Sanusi Taking It?

Pretty Zen when you think about it. He recently returned from the United Kingdom to a heroes’ welcome by his supporters in Kano. He is yet to release a formal statement on the issue, but we’re in for a doozy when he does let it rip.

The story of Nigeria has produced its fair share of landmark, victorious and experiences.

In the centre of it all are its citizens, who through bated breath and wide eyes have watched the best and worst of the drama that is Nigerian life, play out.

Capturing the zeitgeist of some of Nigeria’s most notable moments, we sat down with seven Nigerians to relay their feelings and mindsets during the wake of these happenings.

Nigeria’s Independence, 1960

In the weeks leading up to the October 1 1960, I must have spat out the phrase- Independence Day at least 4 times every hour.
This wasn’t due to some special kind of patriotism, although I can argue it was in its nascent form, but due to the fact that my then 7-year old self was scheduled to march in one of the many parades of the day.
October 1st finally came through with a feeling of victory and anticipation in the air. I look back on it now and it still feels so surreal. We were all so very hopeful. – Orazulike

Nigeria gained independence from British colonialists on October 1st, 1960.

Nigeria missing out on the world cup in 1994

You know how people tell you they have days they can never forget, I’ll put Nigeria’s 1994 loss up there with the birth of my three children and wedding day, just don’t ask me to rank them. I’ll very much like to keep my marriage and family intact
On July 5th, 1994, I was seated directly infront of my friend, now late – Jerry’s televisionset in Gbagada. He was to my left, while I was flanked on the right by Rotimi my brother. I won’t get into the specifics of our emotions during the duration of the game, but I will reveal that there were three grown men, in a boys-quarters at Tunde Hassan with very wet eyes when Baggio scored the winning goal for Italy. – Babajide

1994 saw Nigeria’s first ever qualification to participate in the world cup. The Super Eagles team of 1994 lost a chance to qualify for the quarter-finals after losing 2-1 to the Italians at extra time.

General Abacha’s death – 1998

I had just turned four, so my memory of the events are a little foggy. But what I can’t ever forget is watching from the verandah of our two-story home as cars, seemingly with no destination in sight, honked with celebratory flags attached to their sides and people congratulating themselves on the end of a ‘General’, and throwing in my puerile shouts of congratulations at passers-by on the street.

I didn’t understand the import of his passing until several years later. It will always be jarring to me how much pleasure a person’s passing can have on literally millions of people. – Abimbola

General Sani Abacha served as a Nigerian dictator between 1993 and his passing in 1998. The circumstances of his passing have been the subject of a number of controversies.

The 2002 Ikeja bomb blast

When I heard the first blast go off, I was seated in the guest toilet, wondering who had the guts to slam the entrance door so loudly with both my parents in. When the sounds persisted, I rushed out to discover the root, only to see the entirety of my family, huddled together in our sitting room, wondering whether or not a drive to a safer part of the state was a smart option. We all decided against it and fearfully waited out the blasts in complete silence.

It was 17 years ago, but I’ll never forget sitting in a haphazard circle with my family and wincing at every blast in silence, for fear of alarming the next person. – Shalom

The 2002 Ikeja bomb blast occured on January 27, 2002 – when a fire spread into the munitions base of the military cantonment. It led to the loss of about a thousand lives and the displacement and homelessness of a thousand more.

Yar’adua’s passing – 2010

I was 16 at the time and fancied myself to be a psychic of sorts. While speculations were rife during the period, as to whether or not our president was recuperating in a hospital in Saudi Arabia or had indeed passed, I was certain it was the latter, but made sure to keep my suspicions inward.
I got the news of his passing on my way to school, a humid morning on the 5th of May 2010. A day of mourning was declared and workers were told to take the day off.

My original elatedness at missing first period of Mathematics was soon replaced by the processing that a life had been lost and sadness that a family was to have to do without its patriach from then onwards. – Tiwalade

President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua was Nigeria’s 13th president. He passed away on May 5th, 2010 after a protracted battle with acute pericarditis.

The Naira tanking in value – 2016

I don’t remember the exact day the dollar doubled in its value to the naira, but I do remember the ripple effects. In 2016, I was in my second year of a Professional Flight Management Course in the United States. Almost overnight, all of my fees had doubled. Without a worker’s permit to supplement my parent’s efforts, I decided to take a year off to take some of the load from my parents.

It’s been three years, and I currently have a thriving catering business in Lagos. While I still nurse hopes of returning to flight school, it most likely won’t happen. I’m learning to be okay with it. – Olaolu

In February of 2016, the Naira devalued from ₦ 150 to a whopping ₦ 315 to one Dollar, greatly impacting the everyday lifestyle of the average Nigerian.

Outbreak of Ebola -2016

I was in my third year of University when ebola crossed the borders Nigerian borders and struck new chords of fear into Nigerian hearts.

Like many Nigerians students at the time, I couldn’t for the life of me understand why classes were permitted to continue, especially as rumours of new outbreaks were rife at the time. In the end, I had become a class missing, physical contact avoiding, glove wearing hermit and was tearfully happy when it was announced that the outbreak had been contained. –  Ibrahim

The ebola virus was introduced to Nigeria on July 20th, 2014, when a Liberian – Patrick Sawyer flew into Lagos while infected. The virus was contained through the valiant efforts of Mrs Stella Adadevoh of the First Consultant Hospital.

Where were you when these events occurred?

On April 18th 2019, President Buhari did the damn thing and signed the 30 000 minimum wage bill into law. Nevermind that this bill is coming in 3 years too late from the earmarked review period of 2016; we have a new minimum wage — glory to the highest.

To understand what all the fuss is about, let’s have a little understanding of what constitutes a minimum wage.

The Minimum wage.

The minimum wage is the lowest remuneration an employer can pay workers, as permitted by the laws of the land.

Ideally, what this means is, every working citizen of the state, while encouraged to receive a monthly income above the stated wage, should not, by law — have a take-home salary less than the minimum wage.

As seen with Nigeria’s recent feat, It becomes necessary to review a minimum wage, as the cost of living and inflation are put into consideration. Nigeria’s minimum wage review period is every five years.

Now, while Nigerians everywhere are lauding the president on the feat of a  30,000 minimum wage, which, can we just add translates to about  1000 a day, here are a few truths you’re going to have to keep at the back of your mind.

Sorry private sector workers, this kind of doesn’t apply to you.

It’s not you, it’s the government. Despite the minimum wage experiencing exponential leaps since the very first wage fix of  125 in 1981, to ₦250 in 1989, then ₦3000 and subsequent rises, the private sector has somehow always been excluded from the wage increase narrative.

This is due to the failure of the government to impose sanctions on private businesses that fail to comply with the wage limits.

It doesn’t matter that only private sector businesses with less than 50 employees and those employed on a part-time basis being exempt from wage requirements, as stipulated by the Minimum National Wage Act of 1999, the majority of private sector workers will remain at the mercy of their employers where minimum wage comes in, unless stricter measures are put in place to govern monthly pay.

Informal workers, that means you too.

Seeing as the informal sector of Nigeria remains largely unregulated, the same goes for their pay structures.The minimum wage might, by mouth alone apply to working Nigerians, but someone must not have informed the government that bricklayers and plumbers make the cut, because their pay remains largely exempted from this pay rise.

Actually, you might want to check your state before you applaud the new minimum wage.

This is because for states that aren’t Lagos, Rivers, Akwa Ibom and maybe Anambra,  there has been widely publicised difficulty in meeting the wage requirements.

While 2011 saw the implementation of the ₦18,000 minimum wage, about 27 states have found it consistently difficult to pay the salaries. Last year alone, states like Osun, Oyo and even the National Assembly embarked on strike actions to pay salaries that translated to about ₦600 per day.

How these same states will find resources to shell out ₦30,000 to pay salaries is a mystery we’ll have to watch unfold.

But for the lucky few…

For those in states that will be able to  pay out the stated amounts, while you will not be able to live in Yahaya Bello’s mansion, or have a living room big enough to house a car like Dino Melaye, at least you will be  fulfilling the president’s wishes of living within your means. Nothing like surviving on 1000 a day, plus tithe, Zakat, feeding, clothing and housing to whittle your needs to the barest minimum.

Thanks Nigeria.

Now, this is a story all about how, Alamieyeseigha’s life got twisted and turned upside down, and I’d like you to take a moment and just sit right back, I’ll tell you how he became the cross-dressing king of Yenagoa.

Between 1999 and 2005, Diepreye Solomon Peters Alamieyeseigha served as the first  democratically elected Governor of Bayelsa State with an almost singular motivation — the thorough re-purposing of the Bayelsa state treasury into a personal checking account.

His flagrancy in looting the state blind garnered international infamy and a momentous, yet embarrassing brush with drag. The extremely unfortunate and frankly mortifying incident of Alamieyeseigha, a sitting Nigerian governor, donning the garb of a woman to avoid arrest for money laundering in 2005 is one for the books, and in our books, we’ll be examining the whole mess in four fairly parts.

Almaieyeseigha’s Tenure As Governor

The first 100 days in office are a pivotal time in a Governor’s administration. It is a period much talked about during campaigns and one filled with actions that set the pace for the entirety of their tenure in office.

For Alamieyeseigha, this first 100 days were no different. Belying increased welfare or whatever campaigning spiel was adopted in 1999, he began earnest  work on the real focus of his administration — himself. By September 21, 1999,  barely three months into his tenure, Alamieyeseigha had incorporated the eponymous Solomon & Peters Company in the British Virgin Islands — a perfectly normal sounding organisation, whose sole mission was to serve as a conduit between the state treasury and the realisation of Alamieyeseigha’s most luxurious dreams.

As though purchased with monopoly money, the Governor began the acquisition of properties as fast as state allocations and oil ministry revenue would allow.

His Loot And The First Signs of Trouble.

At the count of six years from  the start of his tenure, Alamieyeseigha’s possessions portfolio included a  house on Water Gardens in London purchased for £1.75 million in 2003; a house at Mapesbury Road, London purchased for £1.4 million in 2001; a flat in Jubilee Heights, Shoot Uphill, London, purchased for £241,000 in October 1999 weeks after Solomon & Peters was incorporated; and a property on Regent’s Park Road, London, purchased in July 2002 for the sum of £3 million.

He also had a smattering of properties in the United States, as seen in his  504 Pleasant Drive, King Farm Estate in Maryland, USA with another on Aurora Crest Drive Whither, California. Also a property in South Africa worth an estimated $1 million as at 2005, as well as a refinery in Ecuador.

His  account balances also racked up millions, with £1.9 million in a Royal Bank of Scotland account, under the name of another sham registered company – Santolina, of which he served as sole director and signatory. Another sum of $1.6 million in the Bank of America as at 2003.

By 2005, Alams, the man with immense power and now increased wealth, realised — what better way to complete the trifecta than an improvement on his  looks. Picking a centre in Germany, he underwent a tummy tuck procedure to counter the gut that threatened to stain and strain his white.

While he was having his bout with Narcissus, and the world had its sights set on Livingstone Church and the Indonesian earthquake — the British government was side-eying the Nigerian Governor, who seemed to have chosen British shores and not the state of Bayelsa, to spend the state’s federal allocations and stash his ill-gotten and bountiful wealth.

Following a raid on one of his properties in the United Kingdom, the British authorities discovered the sum of  $1.2 million in cash, which was promptly impounded, also seizing $2.7 million in a bank account at the Royal Bank of Scotland and $15 million in London real estate.

As the icing on the cake, the British authorities didn’t allow Alamieyeseigha the immediate pleasure of flouting his beach bod for all to see, as he was arrested in September 2005, at Heathrow Airport while returning from surgery in Germany, on allegations of money laundering and fraud.

The Great Escape

Preparatory to a trial to answer to the money laundering allegations; the Brtish government forgot they were dealing with a real South-South boy, and granted him bail with certain restrictions, which included the seizure of his passport. It was during this period that a plan was hatched by the Governor to explore his feminine side and capitalise on it to escape the British authorities.

Sometime in December 2005, Alamieyeseigha — using the cover of his new look brought on by weight loss, snuck out of the UK,  maybe decked in a gele, probably with a little highlight and contour on and perhaps with a blonde bob wig on; we’ll never really know, and never stop speculating about. He forfeited a £1.25 million bail bond by doing so.

While no one will say for sure how Alamieyeseigha was able to escape the eagle eye of the UK for Nigeria, word on the street has it that he may have taken a Eurostar train from London to Paris and then flown to Douala, a port city in Cameroon neighbouring Nigeria, where a speedboat took him home, possibly wearing heels.

Alamieyeseigha’s Life Post-Drag.

Following a heroic welcome to his home state, where thousands lined the street to usher him home; the Bayelsa State House of Assembly thankfully saw the wrong in allowing his continued service as Governor, impeaching him on December 2005.

Having been stripped of his immunity through impeachment, he was promptly arrested by the EFCC on December 9th, 2005, on charges of money laundering.

Two years after his arrest, he pleaded guilty before a High Court of Nigeria, to six charges of money laundering; for which he was sentenced to two years in prison each, on July 37, 2007.

However, as the sentences were to run concurrently, and time was counted from the point of his arrest in 2005, mere hours after being taken to prison, Alamieyeseigha was released due to time already served.

And if that wasn’t lucky enough, his former Deputy, the then President of Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan granted him a most undeserving state pardon in 2013, which was supposedly granted to promote peace in the Niger Delta. Right.

However, Nigerians may forgive and allow a governor convicted for money laundering, donate ₦3 million to the Akassa Foundation, but the British surely do not forget.

Which is why around  October 5th 2015, the British Government requested that Alams  be extradited to answer to the money laundering case, for which he jumped bail back in 2005, a whole ten years prior.

But would you know it, just a few days after reports of the United Kingdom requesting his extradition made rounds, Alamieyeseigha passed on to the great beyond, owed to complications from high blood pressure and diabetes.

Now a lot of aspersions were cast on the truthfulness of his death, but would anyone be so desperate for freedom, they’d we willing to try anything? Especially an action so dramatic? We’ll let you think on it.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to the Nigerian big leagues! Whether serving as a governor’s deputy or a local government chairman, no longer will anyone be able to make even a whisper of your name without the very dignified prefix of ‘Honourable’, ‘Excellency’ or ‘My Lord’ if your subjects are feeling particularly subservient.

And while yes, you will put in the requisite work and spend hour after ungodly hour deliberating and acting on processes to make lives better, at least you’ll do so with the very important perk of going home traffic-free. Do you know how well loud sirens a 16-person motorcade work against regular people stuck in third mainland traffic and its inter-state relatives? A Nigerian politician never wait, least of all in lowly traffic. Congratulations again!

Now, while you undoubtedly got read the riot act detailing the many processes and nuances of your office; one thing no one ever quite prepares you for is the incident of a disaster – whether national or in your locale. Unfortunately, Nigeria has had many run-ins with scenarios of this sort, so here is a repository of actions to guide you, dignified Nigerian politician
—  in the event that disaster striker:

House of Assembly Member

So I have maybe good news for you buddy. Despite worsening the environment with bales and bales of campaign posters and spending some time in your community during campaign season, no one really knows your name, or your role, really. So feel free to lay low at any time of national disturbance, like say a building collapses in your ward or a plane worryingly crash-lands in the area you represent; your best bet is to lay low and have the big boys i.e President and Governor send in messages of light (more on this shortly) in your stead. Aren’t you the luckiest?

Local government chairman

Like your colleague, the house of representatives member; feel free to lay low until such a time as is absolutely necessary. As it currently stands, should a local incident occur to rile up the community, like the recent spate in police killings, chances are the first stop of the people will be  the traditional ruler in the area, as opposed to you, who was supposedly popularly elected to hold office.

In the event that you do get called upon to act; simply put a statement out expressing your deepest sympathies, make no real effort at correcting the issue and wait until the whole situation blows over. Again, you’re welcome.

Governor

See, you made one too many campaign jingles and had your face pasted on too many parts of the state to not be the first point of call in a state-wide disturbance. Here’s what you do: show up to the scene in your crispest of shirts, sleeves rolled up with your most somber expression. Then be sure to have at least 3 photo-ops of you pointing into the distance at a vague, nondescript thing. Get these things right because you have just one shot at doing, seeing as you’ll probably be making only one highly publicised visit to the disaster zone in question.

Absolutely make no reforms to ensure disaster doesn’t strike a second time — like say putting measures in place to make sure buildings that collapse before completion are eradicated through appropriate safety permits are duly collected or putting welfare systems in place to make sure people don’t have to live in fire hazards hanging over water.

Nope, a little too much hard work. Just make sure to have the next shirt ironed.

President

Now, I need you to remember these four phrases, ‘thoughts and prayers’, ‘we strongly condemn’ and ‘hold you in our hearts’. You’ll be needing them the next time you have to fire out a tweet to your grieving Nigerian followers, when disaster strikes due to the abysmal conditions in the country. The next thing to do after sending those tweets out is to immediately have a committee set up, which will in turn set up a sub-committee to look into the disaster, before promptly forgetting about the whole incident altogether.

Should disaster strike when you’re in the midst of a campaign season, a separate approach will be taken. Please shut down whatever feelings gnaw at your heart, asking you to abandon 30 minutes of shaking party paraphernalia in the midst of a probably rented crowd, to personally empathise with victims in the affected region. That is of course, unless the site in question is a momentous swing state, then by all means dust your slippers and make to the affected state tout suite.

For international disasters, no disaster zone is too far, no commemorative event too distant to travel to show your concern to the victims. But make sure to pay much smaller mind to events of the same nature in your home country. Again, remember your key phrases the next time Biafra comes up and  forget the Aba Women’s Riot and its cohorts altogether, like your predecessors.

There you have it, your quick and easy guide to dealing with disaster as a Nigerian politician. Don’t thank me too much.

If you grew up with Nigerian parents, then chances are your parents held down a minimum of two jobs to make sure you had Christmas clothes and a shiny new bag to start the new term with.

Speaking life to this phenomenon was this tweet that had more than a few people revealing the different roles their parents engaged in to provide for their respective families:

I have a challenge to younger people.
What was it your parents had to do to get extra income to support the family? Can you turn that into a viable business?

My mother was an accomplished educator and school Principal trained abroad but she woke up to make moin moin to sell.

— Osaretin Victor Asemota (@asemota) March 20, 2019

It got a number of responses, like the lawyer that moonlit as a clothier.

My mom was a lawyer but she had a sewing outfit in the back where she made women’s clothes. One time when one of my dad’s companies crumbled it was that business that kept us all fed and in school.

— Ozzy (@ozzyetomi) March 20, 2019

And the clinician with the design outfit and restaurant.

This thread is gold. My mom ran a clinic, owned a fashion design outfit and a restaurant at different times. She was the quintessential entrepreneur/hustler. She built a house before my dad and harassed him to complete his. 😊

— Subomi (@subomiplumptre) March 21, 2019

Then there was the nurse that sold meat pies and drinks to supplement her income.

https://twitter.com/Etinosaseree/status/1108704395326296066?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Jumping on the bandwagon, we asked six people what kind of side-jobs their parents engaged in while holding down full time jobs. Here were their responses:

Public Servants/ Supply Shop Owners.

Both my parents served as public servants Monday through Fridays. Their schedule saw them in their respective offices by day, and manning their supply shop, situated not too far from our home in the evenings. Because of their perennial fear that they were being stolen from by their shop assistants, they spent more time than was necessary making sure their daily sales and books were in order. We always counted this as their third job. Even now, retired and surviving on their infrequent pensions, they still have that shop, and every so often stop to make sure everything is in order.

–Ayobami

Doctor/Chemist Owner.

My father is a respectable doctor, with a career spanning 27 years. He has risen through the ranks to become a consultant, this however didn’t stop him from running a small chemist/first aid/informal consultancy not too far from a little way off from our home. He was always shuffling from rounds to the chemist and back again. More often than not, he was extremely beat by the time he got home to get a little rest. Funny how it never occured to me that he was juggling two jobs at the time, one just seemed like an extension of the other, a reasonable segue really.

–Chidozie

Teacher/After-Class Tutor/Cook.

My mother is the OG hustler. Despite holding it down as a primary school teacher, she stayed behind to teach after-school classes, made take away lunches every morning to sell to other teachers and had a thriving aso-oke business back in the day.

If there was anything I picked from her holding down so many jobs, it was the being enterprising every chance I got. I currently own my own clothing store on Instagram, provide make-up services over the weekend and even weekdays whenever I can slip a free day or two from my 9-5.

–Gina

Moin-moin/Ogi Merchant/Party Cooks.

When I was little, my mother was the moin-moin plug on our street. She supported this business with an equally thriving enterprise in Ogi. She didn’t stop there, she also ran a successful Alase (party cook) business that saw her out of the house just about every other weekend and weekdays in particularly good months. She has slowed down considerably these days, but I’m going to have to burn down every banana leaf in the world before she stops selling moin-moin. I love that woman.

–Ayoka

Federal Government Workers/Fabric Importers.

My parents worked in federal government establishments – Nigeria Airways and NITEL. Concurrently, they set up a joint Guinea fabric importation business and a printing press to supplement the income for their growing family. Every day I thank the heavens for their enterprising spirits, as they had substantially lucrative businesses to fall back on when both companies fell apart.

–Aminatu

 

Hospitality/Salesman/Nurse/Babysitter.

My parents met in the hospitality business. They catered for the kitchens of some of the biggest hotels in Nigeria, causing us to switch states more than once. Eventually, they left the country in search of better opportunities abroad. That change forged an enterprising spirit that wasn’t exactly necessary in Nigeria. While my mother was a nurse taking mostly night shifts, she supplanted that with caring for an elderly man three times a week and baby sitting every other day.

My father did it all – door-to-door salesman, car wash attendant, handyman etc. It was all eventually worth it, as they were able to save up their joint earnings to start a thriving Bed and Breakfast in Florida, finally letting go of all their side jobs.

–Adaobi

In my truest form, I am a militant, bandana wielding, Fela face-tat having, protest-line leading fighter of the fucked up Nigerian system.    No political authority is too powerful, no public servant too untouchable and no worthy cause is too minor to go unrepresented.

Your boss attempting to make you work overtime without pay? I’m getting my megaphone. Lecturers insisting on an idiotic pass-fail rate for students? I’ll round up the troops. Streetlights and basic amenities unavailable in your locale? I’m starting a worthy petition.   If there’s any country that could do with a healthy dose of protests, it’s Nigeria. Hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, until some high-up’s agbada is soaked through with sweat from skirting around to meet our demands. And know who would be leading the charge? Yours truly.

In reality however, I am only a casual observer of the Nigerian institution. Voicing my disappointment and disgust behind the safety of a television screen or crafting carefully chosen words from my mobile phone, hardly daring to spell out even the slightest of criticisms for fear of facing the same fate as those too vocal against, too critical of, too anything but sycophant towards the Nigerian government.   As it currently stands, the Nigerian government has forgone its raison d’etre – the people, to become an all powerful agent, accountable primarily to itself. Magicking a turn-table, it has found a way to make itself a top, with the people being unwilling subs. The secret of its abilities? Good old suppression.

How do you prevent the people from gathering to speak against the shortcomings of your administration? Resorting to physical violence like firing live rounds on student protesters speaking against the arrest and detainment of El Zakzaky, or dispersing peaceful protesters of the BBOG movement with teargas to prevent their gathering — seems to work just fine for the Nigerian government.

As it appears, only certain kinds of protests are favoured by the powers that be — those pliant and paid for.

Which is why the government has other measures in place to make sure the proles don’t deviate too far from the script.   Ever heard of the Cybercrime (Prohibition & Protection) Act 2015? You might want to check it out if you haven’t. This law, whose original purpose is cloaked in the “prohibition, prevention, detection and punishment of cyber crimes”, actually operates as a snare for intending and active critics of the government.

Its frightfully vague provisions impose a prison term of 3 months or a fine of up to ₦7 million to anyone causing: annoyance, inconvenience, danger, obstruction, insult, injury, criminal intimidation, enmity, hatred, ill will or needless anxiety to another.

‘Another’ here being mostly higher-ups in power .Which is why arrests based on instances of government criticism on forums like Facebook, Instagram and even Whatsapp, as are becoming more and more common place in the Nigerian political landscape.

Take the case of Johnson Musa for instance. For posting pictures of Kogi State Governor- Yahaya Bello’s Abuja residence on a Whatsapp group, he was arrested by members of the SSS. Likewise, John Danfulani, whose Facebook post criticising the Kaduna State government landed him 13 days behind bars.

Even more ludicrous is the case of Joe Chinakwe, who, after taking out the frustrations of the current administration on his canine who he personified as he-who-must-not-be-apparently named, found himself serving considerable jail time. Same with Gambo Saeed, who was awarded 9 months in prison for his efforts in calling out Aminu Masari, the Katsina state Governor on social media. Likewise Audu Makori, who, having posted a false claim that Southern Kaduna students had met their ends at the hands of Fulani herdsmen (a statement which was retracted), suffered through a lengthy detainment by the government.

These gagging measures adopted by the government, devious as they are, have proven to be effective. Which is why silence greets a country where the president takes an unscheduled medical leave abroad for 103 days, while hospitals in his home country are relegated to incessant strikes and the use of mobile phones as a light source during major surgeries. Also explains why Computer departments in the country’s universities teach Fortran in its original form – in 2019 and why members of its Senate can go home with 13 million as their monthly salary, while 61% of Nigerians live on less than $1 a day.

Contrast this with countries like Algeria, where mass protests against their ailing 81 year old president – Abdelaziz Bouteflika, prompted his decision to desist from contesting his fifth term of presidency, despite being severely ill and confined to a wheelchair since 2013. Or the gilets jaunes or Yellow Vests’ protests in Paris which successfully led to the cancellation of proposed  plans by the French government to hike fuel tax rates. Even Nicaragua — whose militant youth is currently in the process of effecting a change from authoritarian leadership through incessant protests and objections to the oppressive leadership of its President – Daniel Ortega.

Protests are effective catalysts for change, Nigeria being no exception to the fact. The protests that crippled activities and forced the reduction of Nigerian fuel prices in 2002 being a notable example. It is also why the government is doing the most to threaten the strength in our numbers.

A threat certain Nigerians like Deji Adeyanju, Oby Ezekwesili and Dr Joe Odumakin are defying for the greater good.

Even though your name and mine may be missing from this list, it’s not too late to add our voices and play a role in holding Nigeria’s leader’s accountable.

 

 

 

 

For me, it’s no longer enough to mumble my best Yoruba curses behind my phone like I previously admitted, it’s time to act. Hopefully, you’re feeling the same way too, don’t let the man win.

On March 24th, Abdullahi Ganduje was declared the winner of  the Kano State supplementary elections – you know, the elections that had to happen because the March 9th polls were declared inconclusive after Ganduje appeared likely to lose.

Anyway, while congratulatory bags stuffed with money are in order for the Governor, we’re looking beyond the victory to all the things we can learn from this incredibly hard to believe feat:

It doesn’t matter how unpopular you are, you only need 2 weeks to make thousands of people change their minds:

In the original governorship elections, Ganduje appeared to be headed for a certain loss with a 27 000  margin against the PDP’s Abba Kyari. And that was with one major polling unit unaccounted for.

 

The loss was so sure, his Deputy got arrested for attempting to em… sway votes in their favour.

 

That’s all irrelevant now however, as that gap was corrected,  with 1,033,695 million picking Ganduje over the less tainted Kabir Yusuf, who won a close 1,024,713 votes.

There’s nothing like a looming election loss to get you to do your job.

Doubt this?

 

Well how else would you explain Ganduje’s scrambling to fix all the wrongs in the Nasarawa polling unit, a major decider for victory in Kano state.

Our guy attempted to carry out 3 major projects : refuse evacuation, mass drilling of boreholes and the re-construction of roads about a week to the supplementary elections. Good thing he won though, he definitely has an incentive to finish these projects he started probably solely to sway votes in his favour — oh wait…

Don’t sweat the small stuff like multiple arrests and widespread violence during elections.

Voter attacks and routine disenfranchisement are just a small price to pay for the democracy practised in Kano state it would appear.

 

Don’t let the fact that at least 10 people were arrested and widespread violence assailed the supplementary elections should definitely not distract you from the fact that Ganduje won his elections (with a pending corruption charge on his back).

 

 

 

 

 

Now, in addition to our takeaways, we have just one question and it’s directed to the people directly responsible for Ganduje’s victory — is everything alright at home?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does re-electing a Governor that gave us  5 reasons — ON VIDEO — to not re-elect him seem like a wise idea?

 

 

 

 

How do you rationalise re-electing someone whose Deputy had to be placed at the back of a police car to stop him from tampering with already cast votes?

When you’re done answering that,  twenty marks to whoever can explain how an election that literally had to be suspended because there was so much violence and rigging on display, was eventually declared largely peaceful?

None of it makes sense, so I’ll be over here contemplating the requirements for a Schengen visa.

Nollywood caters to just about every entertainment need. Have a kinky wicked mother-in-law fetish? They have you immensely covered. Want to take your Beyonce and Rihanna fangirling to the next level? There’s a movie with professional actresses cosplaying them, just for your viewing pleasure.

Honestly, think up any scenario — any scenario at all — the more ludicrous the better, and I bet you Nollywood has some type of movie for it.

Which is why, for the life of me, I can’t understand why the industry has taken to ignoring the never-ending well of content that is the Nigerian political scene.

Forget giving us the sixth installment of Blackberry babes where they finally pivot to iPhones — where are the reality shows/movies showing us overly dramatised renditions of news that made Nigerian headlines?

Clearly, this under-representation is an oversight on Nollywood’s part. However, I can no longer sit by while this injustice continues.

The entertainment of Nigerians is of the utmost importance to me, so to speed things up, here’s a list of Nigerian political events, complete with working titles that need to be adapted for our screens, tout suite:

Salisu Buhari: The Art of The Scam.

Why isn’t there a movie on Salisu Buhari — Nigeria’s first post-democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, who scammed his way into said position with a fake age and degree from the University of Toronto, only to get found out and resign out of shame — on every single hard drive I own, so this treasure is never lost?

I’d also strongly recommend a very dedicated cast for this film. It’s going to take a lot to professionalism to shoot around a zappa beard and not laugh every 5 minutes while filming.

Umar Dikko: Unkidnappable.

The fact that Nigerians have been denied a chance to see Mr Ibu play the Nigerian diplomat who ran across the British airport tarmac to avoid trouble when Umar Dikko was discovered in a crate, is an injustice that simply cannot continue.

We need this movie, and fast.

The Real Senator of Kogi West.

This reality show will follow the man, the myth, the legend – Dino Melaye, and only him around.

I strongly suggest that no other cast member be recruited, simply because I have a running theory that Dino Melaye can make the most mundane things entertaining, all by himself.

Drinking water, driving around, updating his Instagram stories. It’ll be a hit. I can stake my PVC on that.

Alternatively, a fact-finding documentary on just what happened the day Dino Melaye went missing and had to hide in a tree from kidnappers.

Anger Management: The Chidi Lloyd Story.

I need a 360° angle shot of Honourable Chidi Lloyd, former majority leader of the Rivers House of Assembly, breaking fellow lawmaker – Michael Chinda’s head with the revered mace, and I need it yesterday!

A dramatic rendering of the events the led up to this embarrassing moment in Nigeria’s political history has been moved from ‘Want’ status to ‘Need’ by the Nigerian populace. They told me so themselves.

Obasanjo’s Storm In A Teacup.

A little something for fans of paranormal thrillers.

Now, this may or may not have happened, but who wouldn’t want to see a movie about two-time Nigerian president – Olusegun Obasanjo dodging poisoned teas through spiritually detaching tea cup bottoms?

Take all of my money!!!

Who Stole The Mace? Part 1 and 2

Part one will be a fast-paced thriller trying to uncover the events that led to the whole golden mace of Nigeria’s senate getting stolen, only to be discovered, tossed to the side of the road like yesterday’s puff-puff wrapper.

Part 2 will be ironically named, as it will trail the known Anambra House of Assembly mace mugger — Rita Maduwagu, the former speaker of the Anambra State of House of Assembly who, attempting to avoid impeachment ran away with the mace, like any self-respecting adult would. Obviously.

That there isn’t a movie about this already, is currently keeping me up at night, fix up Nollywood.

Hollywood has taken the number one spot in the entertainment industry for one too many years now. It is time for the rise of Nollywood, and what better way to be taken seriously than to make adaptations of one of the most serious social phenomenon there is – politics, using this free of charge list.

(Somebody better run us our coin if these movies end up showing at the cinema, however)

*straight from the mouth of an imaginary Nigerian politician*

You’ve seen us grace your television screens, switch political parties enough times to make you dizzy and cart away with enough stolen funds to make Abacha blush.

Most likely, you’ve castigated us for one thing or the other. But has anyone stopped to wonder how we spend our days? Or manage our not so Sudden Wealth Syndrome? No! Because you only think about yourselves.

That’s fine, however. Today, you’ll be getting an unsolicited insight into a day in the life of an upper echelon Nigerian politician. Here goes:

Morning

I start my day doing the same thing — confirming my account balance with my account manager.

Now, because of how very monied up I am, I like to keep my earnings in Swiss accounts. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that these sums are allegedly stolen — contrary to whatever you might have heard on social media — but strictly because I love my money keeping cool and enjoying abroad breeze while I’m out here hustling to add to my net income.

Plus, what better way to ruin my Swiss account manager’s day than a daily reminder that he’ll be a broke boi for life?

Anyway, this act usually reminds me there are still several illicit bags to secure, so my appetite for a scam is all excited for the day.

After confirming that I remain unshakeably in the black, it’s usually time to attend to the pressing matter of my morning meal.

A typical politician breakfast usually consists of pure beef (of the political and bovine kind).

This edible beef is sourced from cows that have been fed only corrupt words of affirmation and imported grass, to ensure my day starts off right.

Consuming my breakfast usually leaves me incredibly fagged out, so I proceed to have a quick nap that lasts around 5 hours. Let no one tell you the work of a politician is easy.

Afternoon

When I wake up, it’s usually afternoon. This gives me the chance to spin the roulette wheel conveniently stationed next to my bed labeled:’Work, Relaxation and More Relaxation’, to decide how the rest of my day would pan out.

In the unfortunate event that the arrow lands on work, either of three things may happen: I send out an unsolicited statement to the press on how the opposition parties are to blame for every single ill plaguing the state. Or I stage a photo-op doing some good for the constituents in my locality. Nothing too grand though – maybe the commissioning of a toilet or wooden bridge, you get the idea.

Alternatively, and I absolutely loathe when this happens — but there are days where I actually have to do the job I was elected to. This usually involves attending several meetings and making agendas on how to make the lives of people better. Groan.

Don’t feel too bad for me though. I usually source out a scam from these meetings. They afford me the opportunity to see where an extra zero or seven can be added to the projects we decide on.

Evenings.

By evening, I ought to have decided where to make cuts and who to call on board to make sure my illegal bag goes untampered with, then I put necessary plans in motion.

But these are few and far between, I like to keep my active work hours within a 3-hour daily limit. I am someone’s child after all.

For the rest of the day, you can find me doing absolutely nothing — just how I like it. Literally just that.

Last night, I spent the whole evening wondering what would happen if I tried to sleep with my eyes open. I accidentally fell asleep after the third hour, so I’ll try again today.

There you have it, the incredibly hard-working day of a Nigerian politician. Were you expecting any more?

The year was 1984. Contrary to Orwellian designs, society was yet to devolve into a dystopia, just teeming with human rights abuse… Or had it?

For Umar Dikko, the human being and former Nigerian minister of transport who in that very year, narrowly missed being shipped and delivered to Nigeria in a crate like ASOS cargo; the answer might have been a tad different.

Umaru Abdulrahman Dikko (31 Dec. 1936- 1 July 2014), was a Nigerian politician who won the nepotism lottery, with the emergence of his brother-in-law — Shehu Shagari as president in 1979. Under his tenure, he served as the Minister of Transport and headed a presidential task force on rice.

For most people, these would have been key roles to provide a much- needed service to the nation; overseeing the diversification and improvement of national transport systems as well as tending to the growing rice shortage in the land. But not Dikko. Unlocking his third eye; he saw the posts for what they really were — a thoroughfare to the national coffers and an invitation to transfer as much money as possible to eponymous bank accounts.

Claims made the rounds between 1979 and 1983 of his having embezzled millions and millions of dollars in oil profits. But he wasn’t the only one, if you had a relative that served in the 1979-1983 government of Shagari, then chances are, they cashed the hell out at Nigeria’s expense. Embezzlement totalling figures close to $416 billion were made known during that period. Numbers which one Major General Muhammadu Buhari (yes, same one) silently watched and tighted to his chest for the right moment.

With governmental corruption being what it was in the 80s and Nigeria’s economy remaining on a downward trajectory, a military incursion became an almost welcome palliative. Major General Buhari became head of state in a bloodless coup in 1983, and one of his first orders of business? Rounding up alleged corrupt politicians, like Umar Dikko to answer for their actions.

Now if you were a politician back them, with a ton of stolen money to spare and a Nigerian military bounty on your head, getting the hell out of dodge, to live to see another day, wouldn’t have been the most illogical step.

Which is why, very shortly after the announcement by Buhari — Dikko and a host of other Nigerian politicians, fled the country to become vocal, yet safely far-off critics of the military government. A move which didn’t sit too nicely with Buhari.

While most people would leave revenge to God, karma or just life to handle, most people aren’t Major General Muhammadu Buhari; who, allegedly so bent on flaying Dikko’s behind, had a super team of Nigerian secret service and Mossad agents from Israel assembled, all to repatriate Dikko to Nigeria by any means necessary. What followed is the stuff Hollywood wet dreams are made of.

The team sent to recover Umaru Dikko was made up of an alleged Mossad agent – Alexander Barak, Nigerian intelligence officer Major Mohammed Yusuf and Israel nationals – Felix Abitol and Dr Lec-Arie Shapiro; whose sole role was to anaesthesise Dikko, to ensure he got to Nigeria alive, sedated and hassle free.

But first, they had to find Dikko. If you think the shepherd who left 100 sheep, to go in search of a single lost one, was on to something, then you have to appreciate the effort these guys put in to find just one corrupt politician.

Following useful tips and intel, they zeroed in his location to London. Prompting the team to fly to Mommy Charles’ city and rent out two apartments to find him.

The first Nigerian team, posing as exiles, rented an apartment in London, while the Israeli team adopted the cover of anti-apartheid activists, renting a separate apartment in London to stake out the area.

A whole six months after their search began, they found him. Living la vida loca in a luxurious area of West London – Bayswater, was our main man- Umar Dikko.

It took another month of stake-outs, trailing and planning before it came time to reel the big fish in. Here was the plan: they were going to jump Dikko outside of his apartment, with Shapiro quickly administering anesthesia to knock him out. They would then drive straight to the airport, where all parties would get into crates to be shipped straight to Nigeria. What could go wrong?

The plan was scheduled for July 4th. In preparation, a Boeing 707 Nigeria Airways plane landed in London, late in the evening of July 3rd at Stanstead Airport – empty of cargo, but with Nigerian security guards on board. The pilot explained the plane’s use as being necessary to transport diplomatic baggage from the Nigerian High Commission in London to Lagos, Nigeria; while the security guards were to ensure its safe delivery.

This might seem like a harebrained idea on first listen, but here’s why it was actually brilliant — Under the Vienna diplomatic laws, the cargo of a foreign envoy tagged ‘diplomatic baggage’, was not to be subjected to searches. Which is why a plan to have a crate, loaded with whole human beings to be shipped across nations actually was a some what genius idea. As an added diplomatic perk, cargo could be requested to go unmanifested i.e loaded without any evidence of its having been transported.

So the ballsy quartet put their plan in motion. On July third, Al-Shapiro, Barak and Abithol, set out in a van driven by Yusufu to Dikko’s residence to coerce his return to Nigeria.

Upon reaching Bayswater, (Dikko’s home), they waited patiently until their target set out on a walk. Spotting him, he was quickly accosted by 2 members of the gang, dragged into the van and then drugged by Al-Shapiro, to ensure he was unproblematic and sleepy when he arrived Nigeria to face the nightmare awaiting him.

Until that point, their plan had gone mostly hitch-free, and Dikko probably would have come to Nigeria to stare into the unsmiling eyes of Buhari’s justice system; had his secretary – Elizabeth Hayes, not witnessed the full event from an upstairs window and alerted authorities.

Her call to the police greatly complicated things for the team and proved to be the wretch that ruined their devious, yet well laid out scheme. While the crew was being successfully loaded into crates — Al-Shapiro and Dikko in one, with Barak and Abithola in another — a missing person’s report for the kidnapped, a high profile Nigerian national,desperately wanted by the Nigerian government, had gotten to customs officials present in the airport, putting them on alert to any kind of suspicious activity.

Now picture this, two crates already loaded and on the airport tarmac. Just one step away from having six months of planning finally come to fruition, and the dark skylines of Lagos would receive their triumphant return.

Unfortunately for them, their happy ending never came.

With word of a high profile Nigerian diplomat being taken, on the very likely possibility of being smuggled out of the country to face the repercussions of his alleged actions; two large crates, large enough to house grown men, started looking a lot less like convoys for environmentally-problematic diplomatic documents, and a lot more like get-away pods for the assailants and the kidnapped.

The officials present at the airport tarmac where the crates were situated, were so wary, they chose to ignore the entreaties of a Nigerian diplomat- Emmanuel Edet, present. His alleged role was ensuring the smooth sailing of the plan and making sure the crates were loaded to the plane, unmanifested. The officials, bent on allaying their suspicions, used the absence of an accredited courier as well as appropriate documentation — valid legal requirements — as just cause to open the crates.

You can imagine what happened next. Still in the wide airport tarmac, just moments from being loaded onto the plane, the discovery of 3 humans, and an alarmingly shirtless and unconscious Dikko, who had a heart monitor strapped to his chest and an endotracheal tube lodged in his throat to keep him alive — were made.

As soon as the crates were opened, Edet made a run for it. Hitting a quick sprint along the tarmac, before realising no one was chasing him, at least 4.5m into his race.

The fall out of this event was far-reaching. The four parties involved, received prison sentences in the United Kingdom. The CEO of Nigeria Airways was almost arrested by the British Government at some point. And although Nigeria and Israel always denied any involvement in the matter, diplomatic relations between the West African country and the UK broke down and were only restored, two years after the event.

Despite it all, Nigeria, ever the gutsy nation, attempted to have Dikko repatriated to Nigeria via legal means, but the British; done with our drama, refused to grant the request.

Umar Dikko continued to live in the UK, and always denied the allegations made against him.

Following an invitation by the Nigerian Government, he moved back to Nigeria, but not after letting 10 years pass to soothe murky waters. He went on to hold the post of Chairman of the Disciplinary Committee of the PDP.

He passed away at the age of 78, following a series of strokes on the 1st of July, 2014 in London, UK.

If I’m being honest, they haven’t invented the metric system to quantify how very little I rate Nigeria. Just FYI, I’m female, so you can understand.

This got me wondering how different groups living in Nigeria would rate the country. So I decided to make a little game out of it.

Straight from my POV, here’s how I imagine a Nigerian man, woman, child, pastor and politician would rate Nigeria using 5 stars at their disposal:

Nigerian Man – 2.5 stars

I’d say 2 and a half stars.

First, I am constantly moving around with a metaphorical target on my back.

Nigerian policemen see me and immediately want to know if I have something for the boys. Personally, I could do with a something- supplier myself.

Then there’s that pressure to be the head of the home, whatever that means. But on the plus side, the Nigerian society allows me a wife who tends to my every need and bidding. She’s also conditioned by the Nigerian society to forgive my every indiscretion, so that’s pretty sweet.

Actually, so sweet, I’m bumping that rating to 3 stars; just fix up with the shakedowns and I’m good really.

Nigerian woman,- 0 stars

I’d give Nigeria 0 stars. If there’s a negative ranking, I’d pick that instead.

Hear me out, first of all, according to Nigeria, I have an expiry date, the day I turn 30 to be precise. And God forbid I’m not married and sprouting children at that point, it’s all over for me.

But, if you enjoy being cat-called and dragged everytime you take a trip to the clothes market, then by all means, Nigeria is for you.

Same if you’d love your growing years to be one long tirade on how you should act in your husband’s house.

Personally, it’s a no for me, I would not recommend. Escape while you can.

Politician- 5 stars

Look, Nigeria is a wonderful country to live in. Ask my daughter who is completing her university education in the UK and she’ll tell you. Same thing with my wife who is currently on a Euro-tour because she got a little bored at home. And even yours truly. Soon as I’m done getting my bi-weekly temperature checked and teeth-cleaned in my favourite Swiss hospital, I’ll be back in Nigeria to live my best life.

Pastor – 5 stars

I don’t know what the fuss is about, Nigeria makes for a great business, sorry I meant country. I’d give it 5 stars. 10/10 would strongly recommend.

Churches pay no tax, I get to fly private without too many questions asked, least of all from my largely middle-class congregation and people don’t look too closely at the actors you bring on stage. What’s not to love? Unless you have a better market for me, then let me hear it, plis and thanks.

Child – 2 stars

Even though my vocabulary is stunted and I have only the most rudimentary understanding of numbers, I’d say 2 stars. And that’s only because Nigerian aunties are pretty doting when you’re still cute. But my mates get beaten up by teachers if parents fail to pay fees, and a lot of my mates still get classes under trees with slates as writing materials.

Terrible!

How many stars would you give Nigeria?

The 2019 elections will be remembered for many things. Its postponement, all the trash talking, the very many candidates… but for the important role they, the following things didn’t get as much attention.

So here are some of the most overlooked, yet key bits of the 2019 elections, that kept things interesting:

The metaphorical fashion

If the future doesn’t have Buhari in it, I don’t want to see it.

Wear my face on your sleeve, so I know it’s real.

Nigerians displaying an … interesting kind of love.

Who knew we were into objectophilia.

Get this, this thinking human being wanted Atiku to win so bad, he climbed this billboard to emotionally blackmail him to win. Wild.

Then we had this… attack in Lagos.

Is it ever, ever that deep?

On land,in the air, maybe even underground — no where is safe.

Wait what?

https://t.co/pE3ImdTLfv

Nothing like a little inappropriate analogy to win elections, am I right?

The campaign season also birthed a new kind of fanaticism.

Oh! to be loved like a father, full government name and all.

I mean

Meanwhile … Our Sanwo-Olu babes are here with a specially dedicated song to Alhaji @atiku 😂😂
(Atiku is the shoemaker, the whole world is aware, He will polish Buhari's shoes) 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Q7x5gD2F8f

— Jubril A. Gawat (@Mr_JAGs) February 14, 2019

Oh you don’t regularly forgive people’s sins for de-camping? Couldn’t be Oshiomole.

Then we had a truly ugly part of the campaigns. The hustling spirit it produced.

For a product that is rightly free, some INEC officials took to charging ₦1000 to well-intending Nigerians, just wishing for the opportunity to vote. A shame.

Then we had the case of the peeping Tom

Talk about trust issues.

And to cap it off, we had a very interesting take on gang-signs this part of the world.

#APC4Life

Blown up, in case you missed it.

What was your favourite part about the 2019 election campaign?

I haven’t been sick since I was seven. It’s a point of pride and a conversation opener for me. While most people brag about starting families and increased investment options, you can find me on the other side — pretending to not know anti-malarias and anti-biotics apart, for how little a role they play in my life.

But living just adjacent to my pride, is a debilitating fear that this good health will one day be taken away from me. That I would, some time in the future, be confined to a hospital bed. And not just any hospital — a poorly funded, severely under-resourced and most likely striking Nigerian hospital, whose sheer out-of-depthness would require that I be flown out of Nigeria, to exchange Naira for whatever foreign currency in search of proper medical care.

And being a part of Nigeria’s middle class — whose standing is just one minor economic misstep away from being a step below, it terrifies me.

“You’re one health emergency away from going bankrupt in Nigeria”, is a repeated refrain whose message rings true where the annual salary of the average Nigeria, which ranges between ₦658 324 and ₦5 000 0000 is considered.

Consider the math where an ailment like Chronic Kidney Disease, which affects 17,000 Nigerians annually is concerned. At least 180,000 Naira is required to cover its mandatory weekly dialysis sessions. And a further 6.5 million Naira to cover the requisite kidney transplant. The earnings don’t even come close.

Even more terrifying is the spate of Cancer, which currently affects over 100 000 Nigerians – 80 000 of which pass on from the disease, annually. To fund the treatment of this disease, which includes: regular screening, clinical assessment and chemotherapy, the average Nigerian can be faced with a medical bill going upwards of 20 million Naira.

With diseases like this, it is fairly common place for individuals to first attempt self-care, wholeheartedly willing the disease to go away with agbos and other merely palliative measures. This escalates to self-funding, before turning to friends and family for assistance.

And that is where the reality of the Nigerian health sector pops up — one big crowd-funding project.

With Nigerian families being people of pride, most problems are usually kept in-house. So you can be assured of every penny being scraped, and every last Naira sourced from familial pockets, before the stark reality of incomes — communal or no — just not holding up to the magnitude of bills major illnesses accumulate.

And then comes the painful part, shedding this pride and looking to outside help, seeking assistance from friends, acquaintances and foes alike. Which is why Nigerian social media these days has taken the form of a GoFundMe extension, for every ailment from various cancers to kidney diseases, to even cleft palates. Funding for varying medications for sustenance can are not left out.

Heartbreaking images of emaciated children, grown persons with body parts over-run with cancer, others with needs ranging from aid for diabetes to appeals for assitance with amputations, assail Nigerian feeds on a daily or even hourly basis.

To add maybe authenticity to the appeals, heart-rending videos and pictures of the indisposed in their most private, most vulnerable states are put on display. Using their last vestiges of energy, in varying stages of obvious discomfort — they beckon the public, completely by-passing the government who receives taxes and aid for this very reason, to give them a renewed chance at life through financial aid.

And for those yet to be privy to the power of social media, street-soliciting and car-to-car appeals in traffic by a relative, close associate or even the ailing party themselves, are an all too common phenomenon.

And if that isn’t enough to demoralise healthcare seekers — state-run health institutions are usually plagued with strike actions. Disgruntled practitioners, fed up with the piss-poor treatment they are subjected to — where one too many instances of doctors performing surgeries with illumination provided from the torches of their mobile phones; or having to make do with makeshift incubators, composed of cardboard boxes, with a bulb and hot water bottle in the 21st century. These are problems that are sure to persist, with a government that dedicates less than 15% of its annual budget to the health sector, with 5.95% being the highest dedication, back in 2012.

And while the government’s efforts, through the NHIS holds its own for providing basic care, it remains elusive to most Nigerians, with less than 7 million of Nigeria’s 180 million being covered under the scheme. Where a majority of its enrollees are federal government workers.

Added to this is the fact that most healthcare providers under the scheme shy away from providing treatment for chronic illnesses; and where it does provide for treatment, only the initial stages of care are covered.

Presently, I guard my health with manic earnestness. You can find me religiously avoiding re-heating food in plastic containers, randomly checking my heart rate to make sure it never veers away from the 120/80 mark. Indulging in whatever indigenous concoction my mother whips to cleanse my system and rid me of bad dreams or engaging in more exercise than my lazy twenty-something body would prefer in the mornings.

While these are almost laudable for a person looking to make the most of their well-being, doing so out of fear that the health care system of my country is certain to fail me, should things hit the fan, is certainly is not the way to go.

How is it, that a relatively unknown candidate with two first names – Felix Nicholas, bested the could-have-been formiddable third force of Nigeria’s presidential candidates, to rack up the third highest votes in the whole of Nigeria?

Through the sacred art of finesse, that’s how.

There is very little actual information about Felix Nicholas on the World Wide Web, beyond his being the unexpected third-place winner of Nigeria’s elections. But we do know at least 3 things for sure.

He is 37 years old and the pastor-founder of the Miracle Center International Inc, New York — a state he resides in, and his preferred hidey-hole while other candidates painted houses and distributed bags of rice, during Nigeria’s campaign season.

He is from Edo State and has carried out at least one notable philanthropic activity there.

Most interestingly, he was formerly the 2019 presidential candidate of the interestingly named All Blended Party (who came 35th in the elections). But something must have happened, or Felix saw the finessing light, because by December 2018, they were fielding another candidate – Moses Shipi, while Nicholas had hopped on to the People’s Coalition Party. Interesting.

And speaking of the PCP, you know how they say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery? Well, they might have taken it a little overboard, going beyond flattery, to an almost crazed fan, with how worrying their similarities to the PDP are.

Foe one thing, they changed their party logo to better reflect a more PDP-aesthetic, see for yourself:

https://t.co/E74bLb2cU2

The thing about the PCP is, it is one letter short of the PDP, one of 2 most powerful Nigerian parties. its logo is a simple circle, partitioned into 3 parts, with the letters, P C P, written across them, while again, taking from the PDP, to adopt it’s primary colours of green, white and red.

To make things even more interesting, the PCP stuck with a middle ‘c’, a middle letter that comes before the PDP’s ‘D’, to make sure Nigeria’s unsuspecting, short-sighted and astigmatism affected citizens, looking to cast their ballot for the PDP are sufficiently hoodwinked.

And it worked too. Nicholas Felix only had to sit back, relax and enjoy Manhattan clam chowder while his master plan worked for him.

0n February 23rd, while many scrolled through the ballot paper, looking to find their preferred PDP logo, they happened first on that of the PCP, in all of its likeness with the PDP, robbing Atiku of who knows how many genuine votes. They raked in a total of 110 196 votes.

Not bad for a party with just a little over five-hundred likes on Facebook.

Felix has since thanked the good people of Nigeria for recognising his effectiveness as a leader, (ha!), while in this same America he is apparently loathe to leave. Same with the PCP’s party Chairman, whose identity I was convinced was entirely made up, but no, Don Harmattan is real and must be just as grateful to Nigerians for believing in the party’s vision.

Politics in Nigeria, how can you not love this game?

Remember how one of the first things they tell you in driving school is to treat every other driver on the road like they’re insane?

You probably laughed it off that day, and proceeded to try your hands at the evils of parallel parking, but you see those driving instructors — they might have been on to something.

Every day, and that’s every single day; some type of madness is unleashed on Nigerian roads, regardless of the time of day.

It could be in the morning where; energised from a quick snack, the Nigerian road rage monster that lives in us all, is just up and roaring to go.

At this time, it isn’t uncommon to find a well dressed Nigerian man, patiently beckoning to another in morning traffic to roll down his windows, only to pass the universal “it’s like you’re mad and have no one to tell you sign’ across.

Or even a Nigerian mother, patiently chiding her child to remain in the car, while she continues the business of wrapping her hands around another man’s neck for recklessly scratching her car in morning traffic.

What is this Road Rage Monster you might ask? Well, it’s that thing that makes myriad Nigerians keep a horsewhip on their dashboards, in the event that another human being might require an animal’s thrashing.

It’s the thing that makes Nigerians keep less than a centimetre of space between the car in front of them, so no other opportunist vehicle can rightfully make their way into a lane.

And of course, it’s the same monster that makes it perfectly okay for grown men, in broad daylight to engage in maniacal road-races, after being cut off while driving.

As mentioned earlier; this road rage is no respecter of hours.

Afternoons are its choicest period. The road-rage monster is hot and starved, he just wants to get his lunch, but unruly Nigerian drivers won’t let him be.

This is why Nigeria has witnessed one too many scenes of grown men sitting on the bonnets of their cars, playing a vehicular variation of Uncle — looking to see who would move for whom first at an intersection.

Or why scenes like these aren’t too uncommon if the monster is having a particularly bad afternoon.

Night time produces another kind of Road-Rage Monster, the ‘tired, and angry with your boss kind”.

He just wants to get home in time to watch the news and surrender to bed. What that means is, he’s going to toot his horn aggressively for every microsecond a driver wastes at a freshly green traffic light. He’ll make a melody out of it if necessary.

The monster is also going to do his best to make sure no car cuts in front of him, regardless of how rightful it is. That’s going to add another 10 hours to his commute, like most Nigerians reason, so we can’t have that.

And if the monster is no respecter of time of day, you should know the day of the week is equally as irrelevant.

Nigerian drivers will cuss you out on Monday and give you the finger for driving too slowly on Friday.

Decked in geles and agbadas, the many weekend road rage monsters are more than ready to dash you waka for doing normal things like observing a red light or waiting for a pedestrian to make their way through a zebra crossing. There’s an owambe with rapidly finishing small chops to get to, they won’t let you be unfortunate for them.

But if it’s any comfort, Nigerians aren’t the only ones suffering through the road rage plague.

Other countries actually have to deal with serious cases of murder over road rage.

What’s the worst thing your Road Rage Monster has made you do?

After two days of suffering through hours and hours of the soporific reeling out of election results, Muhammadu Buhari finally emerged victorious as Nigeria’s president.

This means he now has four years to make strides in education, power generation, corruption, the economy and pretty much every sector of the Nigerian state that needs help i.e all of them.

But that’s for him. What are your next moves as a Nigerian now that Buhari has won the elections? Try these on for size:

As a lawyer, now is the time to brush up on your Civil Litigation, it’s election petition season!!!

If you aren’t already one, now is the time to tight any SAN you know to your chest, don’t say we don’t give you the best advice.

If you were an opposition politician, I’m going to need you to put on your most subservient smile, and pucker up because you’re about to kiss a lot of behinds, it’s cross-carpeting time!!!

And it doesn’t matter if you called the President names or insulted the party you’re about to join. You should know all sins are forgiven soon as you join the APC.

Now, not to alarm you or anything, but if you have any naira you’ve been hiding under your bed, now is the time to change it to Dollars.

That’s because it is very likely the Naira falls to ₦400 against the Dollar, by the end of 2019 when investors retreat from emerging and frontier markets.

So get to stepping.

Please and please, if you’re excited Buhari won, or still fuming that your candidate didn’t, don’t do anything rash like naming your dog after him.

Remember what happened to the last guy that did that? Don’t let that be your story.

Best to love/hate from outside the club, than inside Kiri-Kiri.

And remember, if you want to know how the economy is doing, or how the country is faring generally, Google it.

Don’t expect any addresses from the President. There’s no election to put on a show for anymore, so that’s that.

Watch the past addresses if you start to miss his Northern lilt.

Also, if the President’s many travels upset you before, just ready your mind to unlook anything that he takes our eyes to see this year, okay?

You think it’s beans he has gone months without a long stretch in the abroad? Sometimes your country gives you bad vibes and you have to escape it.

You understand, don’t you?

It be like that sometimes.

And remember, if you were used to wilding out and eating 2 pieces of meat before, cut that down if you know what’s best for you.

This administration is bent on having people live within their means. And what’s better than living within your means? surviving below it.

I’ll let you decide.

Lest I forget, your wisest move with Buhari emerging president is to get — and I can’t stress this enough — your Canadian visa on lock.

Doesn’t even have a lot to do with the Presidency, I just want to see your skin flourishing in a country that actually works. Plus, the weather’s decent.

Buhari

He’s probably plotting his fourth televised speech of the day, to break the record for “most unnecessary consecutive televised addresses”.

His speechwriter and human teleprompter are whimpering in a corner, signaling Osinbajo to make it stop.

Atiku

You can find him currently in a serious meeting with his campaign advisors, debating the pros, cons and logistics of dropping a photo shoot in front of JFK Airport and returning to Nigeria in time to vote.

“If I lose this thing because people don’t think I can enter America, it’s on you oh” he fumes.

Dino

Melaye, who is contesting for the Kogi West Senatorial position, is home, scrolling through his Instagram, while reclined in the front seat of his rotating Cadillac, Fuji garbage blaring from the speakers.

Something comes to mind and he beckons his assistant to the car.

“Am I healthy in the media right now, or should I be walking around with a brace?”

She assures him of his health, but reminds him to brace up, a week before his court date.

He smiles, produces his handy tripod and camera from underneath the car seat, and begins the Harlem Shake. His next Instagram post is about to be explosive.

Oby

Mrs Ezekwesili just blocked the last member of the ACPN hounding her for campaign spending details.

She added all of them to a groupchat, dropped the link to her website, where all campaign spending details are present and simply exited the group.

She’s currently waiting to see what presidential candidates will RSVP to her coalition party, later tonight.

Eunice

Mrs Atuejide just parked in front of Atiku’s campaign headquarters, fruit basket in hand.

Since she has pulled out of the race, best believe she’s going to cheer her preferred candidate to victory come February 23rd.

Yele

Sowore is currently shooing off red-eyed party supporters, hanging around his residence, reminding him of his promise to legalise weed.

He’s planning his final town hall meeting, which he has been most consistent with since the start of the campaigns.

Durotoye

Mr Durotoye has three laptop screens open before him, and is feverishly refreshing his social media accounts.

If he crosses a collective 1 million mark, he’ll take it as a good sign of victory, if not…

Moghalu

Moghalu has shouted ‘ONE TRILLION NAIRA INVESTMENT FUND’ at every single mirror he can find, this election eve.

He’s incredibly pumped for the elections and can barely wait for the results to be out.

In only a matter of days, Nigerians everywhere will make the decision, from a pool of options, as to who gets to call the shots in the country for the next 4 years.

But how do they feel about this? Are they excited, will they be voting with their chests, or are completely resigned to the thought?

We decided to find out how they felt, here’s what they had to say:

Elections?

Nope, never have, never will.

It’s not worth the stress. I actually almost contemplated getting my PVC, but when I saw the queues and heard all the stories on Twitter, I fully hung my towel. It’s just not for me.

–Adebanji

INEC, Release me.

I won’t be voting in the elections, but hear me out. INEC has refused to release my PVC.

See, I actually considered taking this matter to Allah in prayer, in fact, I did. I went to their office three times, and three times they sent me back.

The last time was the most annoying. I was told to return after the elections to collect it.

So you see, it’s not by my power at this point.

–Sly

Come the 23rd, catch me outside at my polling unit.

By the grace of the almighty God, on the 23rd, or whatever date they push it to, count me in.

If they like, they should fix it for next year, one day it will hold, and that day, I will be front and center, with my thumb inked.

– Adaobi

It’s a no from me.

I won’t be voting in the elections, and there’s no real reason to it, I just don’t want to.

We asked if she thought her vote wouldn’t count, this was her response:

I think votes do count. Otherwise, politicians wouldn’t be dying on the line trying to buy them with tin-tomato and bags of rice or whatever. I just really can’t be bothered about it.

I’m only a casual observer of Nigeria at this point.

–Daniella.

My church and I will be at the polling units.

I’m so bent on voting, I made a Whatsapp group for my church members, to make sure every single youth got their PVC and will be coming out to vote.

Except they postpone the elections indefinitely, myself and my church will be coming out to vote.

Can I add you to the groupchat?

– Emmanuel Jnr

I even fought on top of this voting matter.

I will be voting, you can count on that.

In fact, as I’m talking to you now, I’m fighting with my wife because she wants me to vote for somebody, whose name I don’t even like saying.

But that’s in her pocket, we’ll make up after the elections, but I’m voting oh.

–Adesegun.

Election day that I’ve booked for sleep.

Voting? It could never be me.

I didn’t even pretend to get my PVC. But people should vote though, I just won’t be one of them. I’ve already booked sleep for the election days. We should have this thing every 3 weeks, far as me and my sleep are concerned.

–Asmau

Depends on how I wake up.

You know what? I have my PVC, I have all the facts, I just don’t know if I’ll be voting.

For one thing, I’m not completely sold on my candidate of choice. Plus, what if it’s my side looters decide to attack? I have a bad knee, I can’t be running race with anybody.

Anyway, depends on how I wake up election day, you just might catch me at a polling unit.

– Oladapo.

No! On behalf of my family and myself.

I will not be, same with my family.

It’s so deep,my family and I don’t even want to be around for the elections. This weekend, we’re going to be in Benin Republic.

Last week, it was Togo. If they move it again, I don’t know, maybe Senegal.

But come election day, and maybe the week after, you won’t smell me in this country.

–Mumuni

I will be voting.

There are no ifs, buts or maybes about it. Provided I’m alive come the 23rd, nothing can stop me from bringing this election home for my candidate.

–Jonathan.

Historically, I’ve been known to be optimistic, almost to the point of idiocy. That text asking to forward my BVN and secret pin to an unknown number? Probably legit. Instagram Green tea promising dangerously instantaneous weight loss written in pig latin? What could possibly go wrong? But when it comes to Nigeria and her politics? I pull a Beyonce and push all of my optimism to the left, favouring a long, hard stroll through Realist Avenue instead.

Nigeria is currently days away from making the decision as to who gets to be head huncho of its affairs, and then some — for the next four years. This date, as we all know was pushed by a week. While many bemoaned the inconvenience — my dour, realist self took it to be just one of many Nigerian sponsored – ‘disappointed but not surprised’ episodes.

What really should keep our attention and fan our worries is the fact that it is about to be someone’s job to hopefully take the economy from the toilet it is currently languishing in, and move our education from the cesspit of pre-civilisation it is teasingly slipping and sliding into. And let’s not forget, they’re about to be in charge of Nigeria’s insecurity problem that just won’t go away — no matter how much anyone wants to pretend it has been taken care of. Can your candidate handle this?

And not speaking from an ‘if you believe it, you can achieve it’ perspective. Do they have the tenacity required to push marauding herdsmen from the orbit of the everyday farmer just trying to get by? Do their policies, as advertised, have what it takes to keep Nigerians from risking it all for a Canadian visa, just for a shot at a better life? And godfathers? Is there a chance that their tenure will be marred by powers from above dictating the shots ? Can you beat your chest that your prospective candidate and his cabinet won’t turn Nigeria’s foreign reserves and earnings into a stylized shoulder bag, quick and easy to reach into for every personal expense? Will they abide by a government that awards corrupt politicians with added appointments and increased societal mettle? What about sparing Nigerians international disgrace and actually keep the laws of the country whose job their’s is, to preserve and uphold? With candidates for the 2019 elections crawling out of every crevice like little woodland creatures, it’s important to look beyond more Nigerians taking the time to be concerned about politics and ask the important questions. Does your guy sabi the work? Or are you voting simply to fulfill all righteousness?

Buhari Actually Running.

I mean, this was more disappointing than surprising, but as someone who takes promises with the reverence of a holy house, I’d say it was still pretty annoying.

After playing it out to read like he wouldn’t need a second term after winning because of how severely he would F shit up, our dear president did a 360 and went on to run. It is well sha.

73 People Contesting The Presidency.

We don’t know who vexed Nigerians, okay we do, but last year, eyes turned red. Popping out of every crevice and woodwork was a person who thought they could do a better job at president-ing than the man currently at the helm of affairs. So much so, we ended up with a grand total of 73 people running for the for the post of president.

Sowore The Plug.

Running for presdient and educating NIgerians one bud at a time, Yele Sowore let us know where to hit up should we ever need the loudest herb in Nigeria – and it’s on Ekiti state apparently.

He let us know the export potential of this commodity and how his government would capitalise on its potency.

Can somebody please remind him, we’re a largely pretentious and conservative society? Thanks dear.

Father Oshiomole.

While welcoming the newly defected members of the APC, an event which got press coverage by the way, Oshiomole made his secret life as a Nigerian political priest known, when he sanctioned the new life of APC members; informing them that “all sins were forgiven” once they joined the APC.

Must be nice to have a clean slate, anyone know if he can make GPAs start afresh? Asking for the newly not striking Uni students, who have probably forgotten everything but their matriculation numbers.

Buhari’s… Incidents.

Buhari had a bit of a wild ride this election cycle.

He raised the wrong hands, pretended to write down questions and actually named someone else president.

Plus, he’s staring octogenarian life, square in the face should he win the elections.

The more we think about it, what wasn’t wild about Buhari’s campaign for the 2019 elections?

Ambode Continuing His Speech Even When The Rally Was Getting Shot Up.

Not sure if we should have counted this as a cry for help, but Ambode continuing to read out his prepared speech at a rally where someone was literally getting stabbed, with gunshots were blaring and police coming to ransack the place, was definitely top 10 of the wildest things that happened during the election campaign season.

But it’s almost understandable. After all, he was speaking at a rally for the people of Lagos to vote in the guy to replace him as governor. Someone he once called a junkie, incompetent candidate, in fewer words of course.

Osibanjo Getting Into A Helicopter Crash And Powering Through Like Nothing Happened?

Thinking about this still does my head in.

While heading to a campaign rally in Kogi, the helicopter parading our dear vice-president crash-landed, but luckily experienced no fatalities.

But if the vice-president escaping a near-fatal crash wasn’t wild enough — he picked up and carried on campaigning like he had merely survived a tiny bout of car sickness.

What is this unmatched APC zeal to win the elections?

Donald Duke And All The Drama.

Looking for who had the most dramatic campaign season? Cast your eyes to Donald Duke, who — after having won the primaries for the SDP fair and square, Duke had his candidacy revoked on a technicality. He then got his candidacy re-instated, only to have his party dump him for the current president of Nigeria.

We wouldn’t wish this emotional roller-coaster on the lady that consistently supplies our office with hard ponmo at lunch.

Atiku Stunting On The Gram With His Visa.

Fulfilling the dreams of many Nigerians before him, Atiku finally got to visit America after about 13 years away.

This was newsworthy because corruption charges against him in the US, could have had him feeling cuffs around his wrist before having the chance to take a first selfie in the abroad.

But what is really wild is, that special visa? It just might have been a temporary waiver to enter the US. Hope he got all his shopping done. Welp.

PVC Struggles.

Some people are having a super unhealthy attachment to this election of a thing, so much so; they’re ready to have PVCs and INEC offices burnt, rather than lose the elections.

It is never that deep guy. Please stop turning the PVCs into barbeque, plastic really doesn’t taste good.

El Rufai’s Threats.

For some reason, El Rufai thought it would be a good idea to threaten countries with army bases, actually equipped for wars – clothing and artillery included.

While speaking on election interference from the US, UK and The EU, he threatened to have the bodies of any smack-talkers from the afore mentioned nations returned to their home countries.

Please don’t put us in trouble oh, nobody sent you this wor. Please dear.

A Whole Party Got Disqualified.

The APC section of the APC is filled with a lot of messy drama. So much so, INEC had every one of its members running for office disqualified.

SO that’s anyone from the APC running for governor, Senate, local government, everything disqualified.

Life is tough oh.

Besides Osibanjo and the lucky charm that went on to become president — Atiku Abubakar is one of the only Nigerian vice-presidents we don’t have to catch an aneurism to actually remember. Argue with someone born before 1996, please, please.

As someone who has tried for about 26 years to become the president, Atiku gives new meaning to perseverance. And it might finally be paying off. Currently, he is the strongest contender against Buhari for the number one spot in the country.

But besides internalising the very essence of perseverance, here are some of the other things Atiku has had to do to get to the posititon of having an actual shot at this presidency thing:

He became an Instagram hunny.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpZQBAeB5jN/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_medium=loading

As the child of much younger parents, still struggling with understanding WhatsApp reply quotes, I appreciate that this was no easy feat. All his #smile captions have landed him with 245k followers, so not too shabby.

He became super active on Twitter.

https://t.co/G7wDLoQ3IJ

Way before they even started selling nomination forms for the elections, Atiku was already sowing the seeds of popularity with the young folk. There wasn’t a trending topic he didn’t give his grown-up 2 cents on, he even learnt to dab.

Man, I really hope the youth vote is worth all this stress.

Speaking of nomination forms, Atiku has bought 4 of those. Can you imagine the bastard money he has spent?

My head doesn’t even want to process it, so I won’t even try.

He has changed political parties so many times, it’s giving me whiplash to think about it.

What is a party loyalty when the presidency is calling your name with an Ibibio accent?

He went toe-to-toe with someone who — rumour has it — once caused the bottom of a tea-cup to fall when he felt there was a sprinkle of jazz in his tea.

Long story short, Atiku wanted a chance to run for president and Obasanjo was interested in a third term, they butted heads and things went south.

Anyway, with this news, it’s quite clear the only thing Atiku fears is not becoming president one day.

Then he made up with this same Obj when it came time for the 2019 elections.

Even though love doesn’t win elections, it definitely plays a small, but mighty part.

See, he even risked American prison to prove he could tie Buhari for this travelling abroad thing, should he win the presidency.

Especially as he only got a temporary waiver to enter the US. Just goes to show, he isn’t playing around.

And if that wasn’t enough, he left the abroad breeze he was enjoying to rush to Nigeria for the presidential debates.

He might as well have stayed behind though, because the debate he rushed for, he didn’t attend it.

He came up with the ‘Atikulate’ slogan, and actually… stuck with it?

Look, if that doesn’t prove he’ll try anything to win this election, I don’t know what will.

For most Nigerians, the years 2018-2019 have been one big endeavour to avoid the over-exposure from candidates contesting the 2019 elections.

Not very far from the most over-exposed and over-publicised candidates, is no other than our very own President Muhamadu Bubucakes.

Having put us through everything from lazy-shaming Nigerian youth, to almost crowning some other guy with the presidency of this great state, here are 12 of the most memorable Buhari moments in the race to the 2019 elections.

When he was playing mind -games with whether or not he would run for the presidency.

We’re all for a good guessing game, but toying with our feelings with the hope that he wouldn’t be seeking a second term, that was a lot.

When he finally ruined some days and made others, with the announcement that he would in fact, be running.

You win some, you lose some.

That time that crazy rumour started that the President wasn’t our beloved Bubu, but was some random from Sudan.

But you know what they say, where there’s smoke there’s usually fire. Could it be….

That time he had to set everyone straight that he was the real OG, no fakes.

Imagine there were actually two Buharis running around Nigeria. Just imagine.

His special non-appearance at the 2019 presidential debates.

I especially loved all the points he didn’t raise, and those answers he didn’t give to prove he was worth a second term.

When he sent that subliminal message that he was tired of president-ing, and tried to pass it off to this next guy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsvypjCgxD1/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_medium=loading

As you lay your bed, so you lie on it buddy.

When he got it all wrong with this other guy.

Is everything okay with Bubs though?

When he proved that sometimes, you really are as old as you feel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0GVN3TTXNY

He’s 76 though, these things happen.

That time the Buhari-mania was so crazy in Jos, they didn’t even let him get through his campaign.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxzip4PRG4E

Who said money can’t buy you love?

When he showed us there was a humourous side to his sometimes mean-mug, with this little quip:

I am sometimes surprised when people call Buhari a Tyrant.

Take a listen to why he will NEVER write a book. Too funny and honest.

😀😀😀😀😀 pic.twitter.com/uoK8xTtGx3

— Banqie (@AdeBanqie) February 5, 2019

People that actually still get on his bad side after 1984, you have mind oh.

Can we stan a multi-culture appropriating candidate please?

A for effort!

But perhaps the most memorable thing about Buhari’s campaign is how he stuck to his anti-corruption stance from 2015. Here’s the photo to prove it:

Don’t you just love politics?!