WHY DID THE MINISTRY OF COMMUNICATIONS GET A FANCY NEW NAME?

Someone in the federal government will not rest until every single federal ministry inNigeria grows up, marries and adopts a multi-hyphenated last name — The Ministry of Industry, Trade and Development, The Ministry of Finance, Budget and National Planning etc. Newly wedded and making the rounds as a blushing bride is the Ministry of Communications and Digital Economy.

While I have long since given up on finding reasons as to why the government does its government things, the motives behind the ministry’s re-naming were offered, so I guess we have to talk about it now. Groan.

So, what’s with the new name? 

On October 23rd, President Buhari, acting on the advice of the Minister of Communications — Isa Patanmi, approved the re-naming of the nation’s Communications Ministry (I bet your last ₦500, you had no idea who the minister of communications was). This approval was communicated in a statement to that effect.

According to the statement (and I’m quoting here), Mr Patanmi will now “properly position and empower the ministry to fulfil his digital economy objectives.” Anyone else feel a little chill at that ‘his’ personalisation? Just me? Okurr.

But what even is a digital economy?

Nobody knows, but it’s provocative.

The way I see it, the digital economy is an economic activity requiring electronic/digital measures to be fulfilled. So that’s everything from Instagram vendors, to heavyweight technology companies, to perhaps even the banking sector. Did the Minister of Communications just take a huge chunk out of the Minister of Finance’s role? And y’all said he suggested this to the president? Hm.

SIMON ACHUBA, YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO LEAVE THE KOGI STATE GOVERNMENT HOUSE.

Wait, wait, make that 5. Your replacement’s already here.

Note to self: do not ever cross your boss, ever. Especially when he’s a petty MF like the Kogi State Governor — Yahaya Bello.

Before we get into the why of the impeachment of Simon Achuba, the former deputy governor of Kogi State, let’s take a look at some of the things he alleges the executive and legislative arms of Kogi State have done to him since his removal:

1. They allegedly caused policemen to mount a barricade at the entrance of his home.
2. They allegedly caused the electricity supply to be cut off from his home
3. They also allegedly disconnected and disconnected the power generating set in his home … all within hours of his impeachment as deputy-governor. Gurl!.

What could have caused this treatment to my mans?

The tidy sum of N819,709,980.

Now what exactly caused the rift between governor and deputy governor is cause for some speculation, but this figure is the amount Achaba alleged was owed to him by Governor Yahaya Bello.

The sum represents unpaid salaries, travel allowances, hotel bills, pledges and outstanding monthly impresses, all of which had been allegedly withheld from the deputy guv since 2017. (Let’s pretend we don’t notice a government official allegedly racked up almost a billion in travel allowances and salaries over the course of two years). The office of the deputy-first lady (?) had also stopped receiving payment alongside her husband. Petty what?

In July 2019, Achuba brought a legal action against Bello to enforce the payment of the sum allegedly owed to him. He also sprinkled allegations of financial misappropriation, non-performance and other crimes against the governor into the mix. He also alleged that the governor attempted to assassinate him? Man, what.. what was happening in that state house?

Gbas, meet gbos.
In August, the Kogi State House of Assembly expressed displeasure at Achuba’s conduct against the government of Kogi State. They accused him of criminal indulgence, financial misappropriation and non-performance. So they raised a petition against him, supported by a certain Governor Bello, who encouraged the house to look into the allegations against his deputy, ahead of a possible impeachment.

To decide on the petition, a seven-man panel was raised to investigate the allegations and they essentially found the Kogi deputy governor not-guilty. Guess who didn’t give AF anyway and called for his impeachment? Just guess.

Simon Achuba was officially impeached from office on October 18th. By the 21st, a new deputy was sworn in — Mr Edward David Onoja.

Just to finally burst your heads with this Kogi issue, Onoja was sworn in by the Chief Justice of Kogi State- Justice Nadir Ajana. The same guy that ordered that a panel be set up to investigate the allegations against Simon Achuba. The same panel that found Achuba not- guilty of the allegations that were laid against him.

When I tell you I’m tired…

BOY, IF YOU DON’T FIX THAT BUDGET.

On October 21st, the Senate rejected the ₦23 billion budget presented by the Minister of the Niger Delta — Godswill Akpabio. Their reason? It was designed to fail.

See, what had happened was — the proposed budget listed a ton of new projects to embark on to transform the Niger Delta or whatever, the only problem is, the big ND is littered with just as many uncompleted and abandoned projects. Also, the Senate was none too pleased that the ministry failed to contact the necessary stakeholders in the Niger Dleta before drawing up the budget.

Back to the drawing board kids.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1. More talk on the 30K minimum wage. This time, the fairytale is that the minimum wage will be disbursed come December 31st. Make we dey look.
2. Orji Uzor Kalu has a ₦7.5 billion fraud case that has been on-going for 12 years and they are just now delivering judgement? This man was made senator after the fact of this case. Hm.
3. Edo political leaders are still in a crisis. Kiss and make up already, beef gives you wrinkles.

NOT.THE.NEWS.

1. I’m going to be pretty annoying about Jollof Road until it ends #sorrynotsorry, it is just so good! Did you know Liberia has surfers? And they’re all so lithe and cute? Read about them here and binge-watch all the videos because you deserve nice things.
2. Not an article or a podcast, but I am so fascinated by the Google Lens. It transcribes texts from physical books to digital copy. It translates text, can identify plants, scan QR codes etc. Just wanted you guys to know about it. Selah.
3. Book recommendation: The Wine Lover’s Daughter by Anne Fadiman. I know fuck all about wines, but I was dropping Burgundies, Merlots and spitting about Romanee Conti like it was coke in every single conversation that let me afterwards. It is fantastically written and just an all-round enjoyable read. You’re welcome.

Did you like this?

1. WHERE ARE OUR GIRLS?

Because we are living in a country so far down the toilet, it has permanently clogged all pipes: six schoolgirls and two teachers were kidnapped from the safety of their boarding school — Engravers College in Chikun, Kaduna State on October 3rd, and the whole country hasn’t been flipped on its septic tank to find them.

History of kidnappings. 

This isn’t the first time the kidnapping of female students will make headlines. In 2014, the kidnap of 276 schoolgirls in Chibok made international and local headlines. In February 2018, 118 female students in Dapchi met the same fate. While over 100 were returned, 5 tragically lost their lives to the ordeal, with one schoolgirl — Leah Sharibu still missing.

Presidency’s response to the Kaduna kidnappings.

Either the government is completely oblivious to the happenings in its country, or it doesn’t consider kidnappings with less than three figures worthy of note. At the time of publishing this dispatch, the government had yet to put out a statement or course of action to bring back the girls.

However, the governor of Kaduna State, Nasir El Rufai after sending a delegation to commiserate with the community over the kidnap, has revealed that the kidnappers have demanded a ransom for the release of the girls. They withheld any additional information to prevent the investigation from being compromised.

One time is too many, three kidnappings are abominable. Here’s praying for their safe return.

2. WE’RE BREAKING BUDGET RECORDS OUTCHEA!

Whew, this presidency! First, it broke the record for the world’s poverty ranking. Then it made history with a record unemployment high, and now, the #Change administration currently holds the record for the highest Nigerian budget presented — ever, with a ₦10.3 trillion figure presented for the year 2020.

See breakthroughs! when does this guy leave again?

2020 budget to impress your friends with.

• First off, the proposed budget was calculated with the belief that Nigeria would earn revenue from oil sales at $57 per barrel, a figure a certain Senate Majority Leader — Eyinnaya Abaribe thinks might be a tad ambitious. Also, the budget was calculated using the proposed 7.5% VAT increase.
• Of the ₦10.3 trillion budget, ₦2.5 trillion (almost a quarter of the budget) will be used on debt servicing. Debt servicing is the amount of money used to make payments on the principal and interest on outstanding loans. Just FYI, Nigeria’s debt stood at N24.947 trillion (US$ 81.274 billion) as at March 2019. Wonderment.
• Clearly, sorting debt is more important than providing amenities for the people that voted you in, because the proposed capital expenditure comes in at a distant ₦2.14 trillion. While non-debt recurrent expenditure is covered to the tune of ₦4.88 trillion.
• The budget is also going to make it rain on government agencies, with an allocation of ₦556.7 billion for statutory transfers. Now repeat after me, statutory transfers are funds that must be compulsorily released to government agencies like the National Assembly, to ensure their independence.
• The Ministry of Works and Housing gets the highest capital proposal with ₦262 billion, then power with ₦127 billion. Spending on education comes in at ₦48 billion.

Who wants to bet President Buhari has a secret finsta, captioned #blessed that he wasn’t booed while presenting the budget like last year? If you have 42 minutes to kill listening to the sweet, sweet drone of the president presenting the budget, knock yourself out here.

3. WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS MINIMUM WAGE?

If it doesn’t work the first time, try, try and try again until it becomes embarrassingly apparent that you are wasting your time and that of the country depending on you.

Clearly, 2019 isn’t the year the Nigerian Labour Congress realises strikes aren’t the way to hit the government where it hurts, because it is still making threats of a nationwide shutdown, for the government’s inability to implement the ₦30,000 minimum wage.

Here we go again.

I don’t know how every high-ranking member of the NLC doesn’t have permanent scuff marks on their behinds from all the meetings they’ve had to sit through for this minimum wage.

In the thousandth meeting for this cause, the NLC and the government had a sit-down on October 9 to attempt to decide how best to fast-track the implementation of the minimum wage. There’s also another meeting planned between both factions for October 15th for who knows what man, just pay this minimum wage already.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1. The president has inaugurated the Economic Advisory Council. Now who’s going to fill the Economic Management Team shaped hole in Osibanjo’s heart?

2.Death to anyone blocking this governor’s convoy. Sound’s reasonable, no?

3.The solution to our insecurity issues: Borno state government signs an agreement with 30 Saudi clerics to pray for peace from Boko Haram. How does one purchase an ejector seat away from Nigeria and does it come in a medium?

4. Again, how is it 2019 in democratic Nigeria and Agba Jalingo is still being detained for doing his job as a journalist?

NOT.THE.NEWS.

1. Even though Nigeria is literally centuries away from devolving into a largely merit-based society, this article on the unsavoury sides of meritocracy is an incredibly interesting read. Check out How Life Became an Endless, Terrible Competition.

2. This article on introverts handling networking taught me a little bit on something I absolutely hate to do. You might like it.

3. My homies on the Zikoko Jollof Road trip ate very risky spaghetti in Abidjan and visited a voodoo temple in Lome. These people have lost their damn minds, check out Jollofroad.com to see what other craziness they’ve gotten up to.

Re: visiting the voodoo temple

I CONTESTED THE 2019 ELECTIONS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY PETITION DISMISSAL.

On September 11th, the presidential election tribunal delivered its judgment on the petition filed by PDP presidential candidate, Atiku Abubakar, challenging President Buhari’s victory in February’s elections.

This judgment, delivered by Chairman Garba Mohammed, took about 900 hours to be given. During which time I grew 5 grey hairs, experienced 2 existential crises and listened to the new, old Blackface song on a continuous loop (ˢᵒᵐᵉᵇᵒᵈʸ ˢᵃᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ).

Eventually, Atiku’s petition was dismissed, again dashing the former VP’s chances of ever crossing ‘did the president ting’ off his bucket list. We’re stuck with Bubu for the foreseeable future guys, yay!

To get the gist of the petition judgment, you could watch the full 900-hour video here, or, keep reading for a quick breakdown of the most important rulings.
 

Chairman Mohammed’s preliminary rulings.

INEC, APC and President Buhari were the respondents while Atiku and the PDP were the petitioners. The judgement was given by 5 justices and delivered by the Chairman of the Presidential Election Petition Tribunal — Garba Mohammed.

Rulings were given on 8 preliminary applications by both sides and judgment on 5 issues raised by the PDP. Some of the preliminary matters and the decisions made were:

1. INEC’S motion filed on May 5th that the PDP’s suit be struck out for failing to include Vice-President Osibanjo as a party to the election petition. 
   Garba Mohammed: Yeah, no. The VP is an ‘appendage’ to the President and doesn’t require a separate shout out. He rises and falls with the Bubs. Way to make a guy feel special, Nigerian justice system.
2. INEC’S appeal that the PDP petition be struck out because their lead counsel wasn’t a real lawyer. 
   Garba Mohammed: Stop tripping, Livinus Uzoukwu has been practicing law since 1982.
3. The APC’s claims that Buhari’s academic qualifications are a pre-election matter and irrelevant to the 2019 election petition. 
   Garba Mohammed: Hell yeah it’s relevant to the petition. You don’t want to know if your president can solve quadratic equations?
4. On the PDP’s claims that the VP used government funds masked as Trader Moni to influence voters. 
   Garba Mohammed: You’re going to have to talk to the EFCC about this one. Or the ICPC, IDK. This one pass me.
5. On the APC’s application challenging Atiku’s Nigerian citizenship and qualification to contest the presidency.
   Garba Mohammed: This man has lived in Nigeria for over ten years. He was Vice President. What else do hittas want?

Read more on the rulings here.

On the issue of President Buhari’s qualification to contest the elections, however⁠ — it was decided that: The President was eminently qualified to contest the elections.

The PDP alleged that the president was not educated to secondary school certificate level and has no school leaving certificate to speak of. They backed their claims using a statement, presumably this, made by the Secretary, Military Board, Brig. Gen. Olajide Olaleye, in which he stated the army had no WAEC original certificate, CTC or statement of the result of the president in its possession. They also claimed he submitted an affidavit containing false personal information to INEC before the elections.

Discounting their claims, Justice Mohammed faulted the absence of Brig.Gen. Olagide as a witness to their assertions and also interpreted the statement to infer that the army had a CTC of the certificate and not the original, supposedly proving that the president did have a secondary school qualification.

Using the president’s qualification from the army, the tribunal deemed Buhari not just qualified to run for office, but ‘eminently qualified’ to do so. Go off Bubs!

The PDP also cited irregularities in the spelling of the president’s name — ‘Mohammed/Muhammadu’ as evidence that his qualifications were suspect. For failing to prove that both names didn’t belong to the same person, their claim was again thrown out.

On the third issue raised, disputing the number of votes won by either side during the elections, the tribunal held that the petitioners (PDP), had been unable to prove the existence of INEC servers, on which they based their victorious claims.

Combining the fourth and fifth matters, the petitioner’s claim that the election was marred by irregularities was faulted by the tribunal, as it was claimed that the petitioners failed to call relevant witnesses like polling agents present on the ground. Instead, they called on collation officers to prove irregularities. Read more here.

Finding faults in the key issues to be determined, victory in the 2019 presidential elections was given in favour of President Buhari.

The aftermath.

Even though most people weren’t surprised by the president’s victory at the election tribunal; it still came as a bit of a shock to the guy who just dumped a ton of money to prove he was the rightful winner. Which is why he will be challenging the decision.

His lawyer, Mr. Ozekhome SAN stated: “That we’re appealing to the Supreme Court is as certain as death.” Gee, I wonder if they’re taking this appeal seriously?

2. WHO TF THINKS WE NEED HIGHER TAXES?

Somebody, please tell the Buhari administration to slow down on this ‘living within your means’ agenda because things are getting really ridiculous. First, there’s the plan to impose a 5% charge on every internet transaction from January 2020, and now a proposed increase of VAT from 5% to 7.2% come 2020. I mean, just look at this explanation given by the FIRS Chairman, Babatunde Fowler.

The increase in VAT payments was approved by the Federal Executive Council (FEC) on September 11th.

Why are they doing this to us?

Going by what the finance minister, Zainab Ahmed explained and not what Nigerians think in their church mind, the increase is to fund the payment of the minimum wage signed into law and yet to be fully implemented in all states of the federation. She explained that the sharing formula is 85%-15 %, with 15% going to the federal government and 85% to the state and local governments.

Even though the VAT increase is not immediate — as it requires extensive consultations with the National Assembly, the Medium Term Expenditure Framework, etc, as well as an amendment of the VAT Act — the increased rate has already been factored into the government’s 2020 revenue projections, contained in the ₦10.02 trillion budget approved by the FEC.

Welp, we’re in for it now.

PRESIDENT BUHARI FINALLY HELD THAT FEC MEETING BTW.

Even though the presidency finally held the FEC meeting where the VAT increase and proposed budget were agreed on, it had been postponed … twice.

While the August 28th meeting was postponed because the president was attending the 7th Tokyo International Conference on African Development in Japan, Garba Shehu, the Special Assistant to the President on Media and Publicity explained that the second meeting which was to hold on September 4th was postponed to allow ministers familiarise themselves with and add to memos submitted by their predecessors, improving their contributions to the meeting. The postponement was also to assist in their familiarisation with the workspace — whatever that means.

Well, guess third time’s the charm because the meeting finally held on September 11th. Let’s pretend we don’t recall a certain President Buhari assured ministers in their swearing-in ceremonies that FEC meetings would be held weekly.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1.Imo State released its budget for the first time in five years. Bruh.

2.Uh-oh, a tribunal has nullified the election of Orji Uzor Kalu as a senator.

3.Make up your mind Buhari. Is Boko Haram defeated or is it downgraded?

4.This is a little old, but would I deny you the opportunity to see this Zamafara politician who defected from APC to PDP and then back again cry to be let back in? The answer is no. Don’t you just love what the APC does with its verified pages?

NOT.THE.NEWS.

Marking September 11, this Esquire piece is the most touching attempt at covering the horrors of the attack.

I just wanted you all to see what counts as humility in Nigeria these days. The bar guys? It’s disintegrated at this point.

I loved this 99% Invisible podcast on the evolution of ringtones. You will too.

Fin!

1.NOBODY WINS WHEN THE FAMILY FEUDS.

In a cycle that comes around every couple of years, South Africa is making headlines for xenophobic attacks against its African migrant population once again.

Between 2000 and 2008, at least 67 people died in attacks related to xenophobia.

In 2008 the country witnessed its bloodiest violence on immigrants when over 60 people were killed. By 2015, continued xenophobic unrest led to the creation of a makeshift refugee camp for Africans and the death of 7 immigrants. 2017 saw a widely attended anti-immigration protest, 2018 more loss of life and now in 2019, at least 5 have been killed in the attacks targeting Nigerians and other African nationals.

What sparked the 2019 attacks? 

Two reasons have been cited for the recent attacks. The first — economic.

South Africa currently has a worrying 1 in 3 person unemployment ratio, leading many citizens to surmise that its over 2.2 million immigrants, 75% of which are Africans, are responsible for overrunning the job market.

The recent attacks came one day after South African truckers began a nationwide protest against employing foreign drivers.

Secondly, the attacks are believed to be reprisals for the death of a taxi driver who was allegedly shot by a Nigerian for confronting him against under-age dealing. There are accounts that the shooter may have been Tanzanian.

The aftermath of the attacks.

The spread of fake videos.

In the wake of the attacks, a number of reports and videos have made rounds to increase tensions. This graphic video of a man, touted to be Nigerian, being burnt alive is one. He is in fact South African, inhumanely set ablaze for stealing a handbag. There’s also this video of suspected Nigerians about to be deported. While its origins are yet to be verified, it has been on social media for over a year, making it unrelated to recent attacks.

There’s also this video of a man fleeing a burning building thought to be a xenophobic arson attack. It was actually shot in India.

Even this video of the South African Deputy Minister of Police, Bongani Mkongi, decrying immigrants taking up 80% of SA cities is actually from 2017.

These unrelated videos have been watched over 500,000 times and have sparked tensions and offensive moves.

Reprisal attacks.

In response to the attacks against Nigerians and Nigerian businesses in South Africa, Nigerians in home territory have begun misguided attacks against suspected South African businesses in the country which are in fact franchises owned by Nigerians. Shoprite and MTN most notably faced the brunt of attacks, leading MTN to shut its offices nationwide. The strikes devolved into a mindless free-for-all where looters began attacking Nigerian and suspected South African businesses alike.

Condemnations and the Nigerian government’s reaction.

The xenophobic attacks have been widely condemned from all parts of the world. Countries including Nigeria have pulled out of the World Economic Forum, which was to take place in South Africa. The South African president spoke against it, and the African Union described the attacks as ‘despicable’. Celebrities are also lending their voices against the attacks, some choosing to dishonour previously booked South African appearances.

While Nigeria’s president originally gaffed by sending a special envoy instead of visiting directly, it has since recalled the Ambassador to South Africa — Kabiru Bala, a clear sign of worsening tensions between both countries.

2.HOW TO BE A GOVERNOR IN 100 DAYS.

Don’t move too quickly Nigerians, we might be observing a creature previously thought extinct in his habitat — an actual governor blowing it out of the park with his 100-day achievements.

We knew there was something different about the Oyo State governor, Seyi Makinde when he declared his ₦48 billion assets unprovoked, unlike some people. Now, he’s distinguishing himself further with achievements made in his first 100 days in office.

What did he do baybee?

He seems to be the only Nigerian politician to actually understand the meaning of youth. He nominated 27-year-old Seun Fakorede as commissioner.

Then he banned the Nigerian Union of Road Transport Workers and declared their activities illegal for the violence the group wreaked in Oyo State. Topping himself, he declared primary and secondary schooling free in the state.

He’s done so much more, so here’s a quick rundown: partnering with FarmCrowdy to connect 50,000 farmers with agricultural solutions. His government is making moves to criminalise open grazing. Oyo state will pay a ₦500,000 bursary to its students in law school, a bump from the previously inconsistent ₦100,000 (Ogun State, run me my bursary money!) He signed a downward review of the state budget, from the previous administration’s ₦285bn, which he considered unrealistic, to a more appropriate ₦182 billion, a Nigerian miracle if I ever saw one. This budget is expected to have a whopping 10% allocated to education alone.

He has sponsored an executive bill for the creation of an Oyo State Financial Crimes Commission, for which he is prepared to waive his immunity as governor, should any issues of his corruption come before it.

BIG INTEGRITY ENERGY! Full list of achievements here.

But not everyone’s happy.

While groups like the teacher’s union of Oyo State have praised the governor’s prompt payment of salaries and pensions to serving and retired teachers, the Oyo State APC claims the state is in a “downward slide”, claiming the governor is “a man who still campaigns for an election after he has been sworn in as governor”. I’m sorry, do you stop wooing the girl after you’ve gotten her? 2011 Tumblr didn’t die for this. Bye haterz.

Click the link and watch what happens.

3. IT’S PRIMARIES SEASON.

On September 4th, political parties in Kogi and Bayelsa states selected their candidates to contest the off-cycle gubernatorial elections holding on November 16th. This will be the first time both state elections will hold on the same date.

Bayelsa State.

Following a tedious amount of back and forth, the front running political parties in the state — the APC and PDP finally decided on direct and indirect modes of primary selections respectively.

Quick refresher: Direct primaries require every card-carrying member of a political party to vote for a preferred candidate to contest a political role. While indirect primaries place the selection of a candidate in the hands of a select few members of the party called ‘delegates’.

The APC elections produced David Lyon as candidate, a suspected favourite of former governor, Timipre Silva. He went up against 6 people — a number that ideally should have been 7, if it wasn’t for pesky rules that make sure our electoral process makes sense.

Briyai Frankland resigned his role as the resident electoral commissioner of Cross River state to contest the APC primaries but was disqualified for not being a card-carrying member of the APC for at least a year. Must have hurt.

Senator Douye Diri won the PDP primaries against 19 other candidates. He is believed to be the preferred candidate of Governor Seriake Dickson.

Kogi State.

Bruh, a lot of people wanted to be governor in Kogi State. The PDP had 21 candidates contesting its primary elections, a list of which included: Gov. Yahaya Bello, Senator Dino Melaye, Wada Idris, Grace Adejoh, the least liked Teletuby (Dipsy 🖕) and two of Buhari’s favourite ghost workers.

Eventually, Governor Bello came out victorious, we await Dino’s diss track.

4. ELISHA ABBO WON SOMETHING? UNIVERSE, TF?!

Another week, another opportunity to refer to Elisha Abbo as “Inmate 120005” missed. The Adamawa State senator who in May 2019, assaulted a woman in Abuja, is once again in the news, not because he was dragged kicking and screaming to jail like I would have liked — but because he was declared the authentic winner of the Adamawa senatorial elections by the National Assembly Elections Petition Tribunal on August 29th

His victory was challenged by Binta Garba of the APC who occupied the position between 2015 and 2019. She plans to contest the tribunal’s decision at the Court of Appeal. We wait.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1.“I’m a bad b, you can’t remove me.” — The removed national chairman of Action Alliance.

2.Some family affair: Okorocha, his wife and daughter to forfeit assets to EFCC

3.Great, just what we need, another political party. Yoruba group OPC might be looking to produce your next governor.

4.The government wants to probe that $9.6bn fine. Aaand,

5. Buhari still won’t speak on minister of defence, Bashir Magashi’s $550,000 theft.

NOT.THE.NEWS.

Spent my week listening to Mali music, check out Ali Farka Toure and Toumani Diabate when you can. This one’s my fave.

Haven’t read this, but it looks like spicy political gist so I’m sold. Check out How Viktor Orban Hollowed Out Hungary’s Democracy.

Ministry is moving

LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT LIST, PART DEUX.

Ever since President Buhari submitted the ‘ministerial’ list for approval on July 23rd, some of Nigeria’s foremost officials have been participating in what has been tagged a ‘ministerial’ screening. This is despite there being no portfolios to back their supposed ‘ministerial’ appointments. Hmm.

Having watched enough footage from the ‘screenings’ and taking note of the amount of times nominees were told to ‘take a bow’, we are 99.9% certain of what this procedure really is ⁠ — group rehearsals, for when Buhari finally relocates with his cabinet to the UK, and they have to do that little bow upon meeting the queen.

So what does it mean to ‘take a bow’? 

We see you Ahmed Fenty.

As a sign of respect during the ministerial screenings, the Senate rule book exempts individuals who have served in both chambers of the National Assembly from answering questions to test their abilities. This is because they are believed capable to handle ministerial duties, having held tasking roles in the past. Instead, they are simply told to ‘take a bow’ before their peers and to leave the chamber.

During the screening, a total of 24 out of the 43 nominees were asked to take a bow. This includes Chris Ngige, George Akume, Tayo Alasoadura, Baba Shehuri and Timipre Sylva to name a few, all of whom had understandably served as senators in the past.

Confusingly however, this privilege was extended to nominees yet to serve in the National Assembly.

A look at some reasons for nominees had for taking a bow.
 

Sharon Ikeazor: for being a woman.

Ramatu Tijani: same dumbass reason as above.

Adeniyi Adebayo: former governor and respected leader of the APC

Abubakar Lawal: I wish I was making this up. Lawal was asked to take a bow for ‘being loyal’, despite having only served as deputy governor of Yobe State.

Muhammadu Bello: a former Minister of the FCT, he asked to be exempted, for being a member of the National Assembly ‘by association’.

Rotimi Amaechi: for being speaker of the Rivers State House of Assembly.

Saleh Mamaan: the senators were tired of screening Buhari’s ministerial nominees.

Are you even allowed to be tired at a 13.5m monthly salary? Genuinely asking here.

Welp, guess we’re stuck now.
 

On July 23rd, despite having no portfolio to work with, the Nigerian senate confirmed all 43 ministerial nominees. Since it’s Buhari’s world and we’re all just living in it, our president has disclosed that the portfolio of his cabinet will be made public, after their inauguration.

QUICK! WHAT DO YOU PRESCRIBE A DELUDED GOVERNMENT?

And does it come in a super shot? Because we don’t understand what Nigeria has been sipping this past week.

A look at what made the rounds:

The APC trying to blame Atiku for trying for taking over the government?

I want to give you 10 guesses why they’re making this accusation, but you’ll never get it.

It’s simply because Alhaji Atiku Abubakar, pro-instagrammer and Nigeria’s former Vice-president, dared to congratulate Boris Johnson on emerging the UK’s Prime Minister.

Bruh, they were so pressed they released a statement to vent, which included such heavy statements as: “Alh. Atiku’s continuous portrayal of himself as a shadow president under our system borders on felony and makes him a patent impostor.” and “We expect Alh. Atiku to quickly address himself to the stark reality of his loss and move on.” Ouch.

Breathe APC, it is just a congratulatory message, okay?

Elisha Abbo appointed Deputy Chairman of Navy Committee?

Further proof that this government is off its rocker, the Nigerian Senator caught on tape assaulting a woman in a sex shop. Who also lost his temper at a disciplinary committee to hear the stated offence ⁠ — is somehow getting rewarded for his actions, following his appointment by the senate, to serve as deputy chairman of the Senate Committee on Navy.

But the worst part:

Boko Haram Killed 60 mourners, but the government won’t admit they’re still a problem.

Only three days after a funeral procession in Borno State was tragically attacked, killing 60 people, the presidency released a statement, signed by the presidential spokesperson, Garba Shehu.

According to the presidency, “The real Boko Haram has been defeated,” and only remnants of Boko Haram (?) and other fugitives remain.

This statement was made in a review of ten years of the insurgency. It is not the first time the government will allege that the sect has been defeated.

GOT MILK?

No seriously, do you locally produce milk? The CBN would like to know.

Following talk that the CBN will be banning the importation of milk, our Central Bank did the very millennial thing and released a tweet on their milk importation stance. According to the statement, the CBN will not be banning the importation of milk, but will instead restrict the sale of forex for the importation of milk. This is because of the CBN’s belief that Nigeria has enough resources to produce milk.

But is that all there is to it?

While the CBN would like to have you believe that, a number of Nigerians aren’t too sure of their intentions. For one thing, why the focus on milk? The CBN stated that Nigerians have for 60 years been subjected to undue spending for importing milk, and only last year, spent about $1.5 billion importing milk. But what about livestock, where ₦1.65 trillion was spent on import in 2017, despite having a comparative advantage to locally source them. Or even oil? Despite being an oil-producing state, Nigeria spent a whopping ₦2.95 trillion, importing oil in 2018.

Nigerians believe the ban on providing forex to import milk will cause the price of milk to spike, especially considering Nigerians consume an estimated 1.7 million tonnes of milk annually, and can only locally produce 34% of the required need. This will most likely cause untold hardship to the poor.

If the policy comes to stay, milk will become the 44th item to be added by the CBN to the list of commodities restricted from accessing Forex at the official rate.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

My investigative skills are slacking, so I have a reward for anyone who brings me the clip of Senator Dino Melaye asking Festus Keyamo to sing the second stanza of the national anthem.

Aregbesola is a democrat? Could have fooled me. Plans to impose higher taxes on the rich.

Remi Tinubu brazenly asked a yet-to-be appointed ministerial candidate to retain employment slots for her constituents. This is a country.

NOT.THE.NEWS.

This article on strippers that fancied themselves modern robin hoods, stealing from men and giving to themselves? Must read.

The Many Lies of Carl Beech. Incredibly chilling.

“Share me”

1. OF PORTFOLIOS AND MEN.

Congratulations are in order for members of the presidency’s newly inaugurated cabinet. Their appointments mark a new foray of sorts into the Nigerian labour market, giving each of them, one leg above 20.9m Nigerians that are currently unemployed. Over to you, newly re-appointed Minister of Labour and Productivity, Chris Ngige, where do we send the fruit baskets?

So what went down? 

On August 21st, 43 of The Bubs’ closest friends and appointees were formally inaugurated ⁠ — portfolios and all ⁠ — into various cabinets within his administration. This came 23 days after their respective confirmations, 6 months after the elections and 4 years since an even worse record was set. Consistency ⁠ — major 🗝️.

Only two days prior, however, the Federal High Court denied a lawyer’s application to stop the inauguration, on the grounds that there was no nominee from the FCT. This is important because the Nigerian cabinet requires appointments from all 36 states. But seeing as his application was late, the court said no dice, so now we’re stuck with these guys or whatever.

Now to the inauguration tea: five new ministries were created, one minister readied our minds for disappointment and an unlikely pairing was made. #Leggo.

New ministries.

Somebody must have noticed Babatunde Fashola’s back was starting to hunch from shouldering the weight of the Power, Works and Housing ministries. So now we have a new Ministry of Power, headed by Sale Mamaan, while Fashola focuses on the already established Ministries of Works and Housing.

The remaining four are Humanitarian Affairs, Disaster Management and Social Development — headed by Sadiya Umar. While the Ministry of Special Duties and International Affairs is headed by George Akume. Hadi Srika is now fully the Minister of Aviation, and Muhammadu Dingyadi heads Police Affairs as Minister.

View the full list of ministers here.

(If you’re wondering about ‘Ministers’ and ‘Ministers of State’, the simple distinction between them, is that the Minister heads the Ministry, while the Minister of State deputizes for him. A junior minister of sorts. The not-so-simple distinction is that the Minister of State is a filler/reward post for government loyalists. You hate to see it.)

An unlikely pairing.

Back in 2015, the former governor of Akwa Ibom State- Godswill Akpabio got into hot water with the EFCC for allegedly diverting over ₦100bn during his tenure. Of that 100bn, ₦1.4bn was alleged to have been gifted to a new generation bank for unknown reasons. Trés shady.

Naturally, a case was opened against him by the EFCC to investigate, a body in which a certain Festus Keyamo, SAN served as a prosecutor, but more on this shortly.

As punishment, Akpabio served as the Senate Majority leader between 2015–2018, a senator for Akwa Ibom North from 2018–2019, and is now really facing the music, as the newly inaugurated Minister of Niger Delta Affairs. Oh, we definitely showed him!

Now guess who the Minister of State for the Niger Delta is? Former EFCC lawyer, Festus Keyamo.

What’s worse is that though the EFCC claimed not to have closed the case against Akpabio in 2018, the body has been awfully quiet on its probe since then.

Aregbesola is keeping expectations real low.

As the newly inaugurated Minister of Interior, former Osun State governor, Rauf Aregbesola is leading the case study for NOT KEEPING MINISTERIAL PORTFOLIOS SECRET, LIKE THEY’RE THE COCA-COLA RECIPE!

Shortly after the inauguration as head of the interior ministry, he had this to say: “What I know about the ministry is what I read in the Newspapers,”

What that means is, the minister in charge of police matters, national security, immigration, the conduct of elections, emergency management etc, is as knowledgeable about the interior ministry, as you are.

Send help. Fast.

2. ABBA KYARI: THE WAY, THE TRUTH AND THE EXECUTIVE LIFE.

Three things to know about Abba Kyari:

1. He is the Chief of Staff to President Muhammadu Buhari
2. We’re not too sure about his age. There are two Wikipedia links to ‘Abba Kyari’, and I thought he was the one aged 81, because, well…

3. Somehow, this man and his … joints are expected to stand in between the president and his newly formed cabinet. The president said so himself.

Long touted to wield unadvisable influence over the presidency, Abba Kyari’s role as a buffer between the president and ministers looking to seek the face of the president only serves to prove that there might be a fire behind all the smoke.

While President Buhari claims the directive is to speed up the process of decision making, It is wildly unimaginable that with the security, health, education and just plain perpetual crisis rocking the country, the officials in charge of affairs, first have to jump through a geriatric hoop to keep the presidency informed. Do better Buhari.

3. THE TALE OF OBONO OBLA.

Are you familiar with the story of the chairman of the Special Presidential Investigation Panel on the Recovery of Public Property — Okoi Obono Obla? In a real ironic twist, he has been suspended from his post and is currently under investigation by the Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission (ICPC) over allegations of financial impropriety and administrative misconduct. Interesting, but that’s not all.

He is also being charged with forging his WAEC certificate, which was used to gain access to study law at the University of Jos.

He denies all allegations and even the ICPC’s powers to investigate him. He believes these charges are in retribution for his dogged anti-corruption efforts. Hm.

At this point, I’m going to need every single official of government to get on InstaLive and put all their qualifications — WAEC, B.SC, NYSC — under ultraviolet light, because dis tew much.

CAN AMBODE JUST BREATHE A LITTLE?

… and he’s just re-learning how to, after years of … training.

On August 20th, EFCC officials raided the homes of the former Governor — Akinwunmi Ambode in Epe and Ikoyi as part of an on-going investigation. The EFCC is probing the diversion of N9.9bn  into three bank accounts linked to Ambode.

Videos showed that the Operatives of the EFCC were denied entry into Ambode’s home in Epe by the youth in the area. In his home in Ikoyi however, their warrants granted them access, where they searched thoroughly.

In a statement released by his lawyers who were present during the raid, they claimed they prevented the EFCC from planting evidence, even though the phones of the lawyers were seized in the process.

In their words: “Almost six phones were forcefully taken away. IPhones inclusive.” IPhone’s inclusive? LOL, what?

Anyway, it’s been a tough year for the former governor, what with losing his job and not getting nominated for Minister as was wildly suspected. It might get a little rougher if anything comes out of this investigation. Guess we’ll see.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1. Currently accepting any recommendations to help unsee this video of the Finance Minister — Zainab Ahmed being welcomed back to office by members of the ministry expected to give her objective advice.

2. No way you missed the despicable attack on Ike Ekweremadu, but did you know IPOB has promised other governors, it’s on sight, should they dare travel abroad?

3. For some reason. Nigeria randomly closed the Seme border.

4. Even though I’d rather refer to him as ‘Inmate 405’, Senator Eisha Abbo got ‘sick’ and couldn’t make his court date. This has stalled his trial for assaulting a woman in Abuja.

NOT.THE.NEWS.

One recommendation, HBO’S ‘Euphoria’. You’re welcome.

LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT LIST.

Not like we’re counting, but two months post-inauguration, three BBN evictions and one new Chief Justice after, President Buhari has finally decided to give Nigerians a little peek at the day ones he found cool enough, to assist him in running this country.

On July 23rd, the human embodiment of this meme:

— President Bubu, presented the list of ministerial nominees to the Senate for approval.

Heyyy, I know that name.

And that one, and that one, and … Aregbesola?

Barring a few names, the ministerial list (which ideally ought to be chock full of technocrats) read a lot like a roster call of Nigerian politicians who lost out during the 2019 elections and others who got a promotion to play in the federal leagues.

Former Bayelsa governor, Timipre Sylva and former Benue State governor turned senator, George Akume were present. Former Akwa Ibom Governor/ senator — Godswill Akpabio, who has a ₦108bn probe with the EFCC pending was also nominated. Likewise former Osun State governor, Rauf Aregbesola who really transformed the finances of the state, also made the cut.

Other ‘formers’ include a former senator, Tayo Alasoadura, former commissioners, Olamilekun Adegbite, Clement Agba etc. Former deputy governors, Pauline Tallen and Engr. Abubakar Aliu. A former speaker of the Lagos House of Assembly, Adeleke Mamora to name a few.

Re-appointed Ministers.

So good I had to nominate them twice – Buhari.

Even though Solomon Dalung (former Youth & Sports minister), Audu Ogbe (former minister of agriculture), and the remaining 16 ministers not re-appointed have probably clogged up Buhari’s DMs with ‘where did I go wrong?’ messages; Only 12 ministers will be returning to the president’s cabinet to accompany him through to the next level of his ‘Next Level’ agenda.

Some of these include Abubakar Malami, whose tenure as AGF had such highlights as allegedly approving the re-appointment and promotion of purported ₦2.7 bn pension fraudster — Abdulrasheed Maina, as well as an involvement in dubious ₦7bn legal fees for retrieving the Abacha loot.

Chris Ngige, another re-appointed minister whose tenure saw the founding of the N-power scheme, and the introduction of a new minimum wage on one hand, also had labour strikes, health worker strikes, the no-work, no-pay controversy, Nigeria’s rise in unemployment figures and the non-implementation of the prescribed minimum wage through his tenure as labour minister.

In addition to this is Rotimi Amaechi (former minister of transport) whose achievements in the railway sector were almost blighted by his under-performance in maritime transport. Babatunde Fashola (Power, Works,Housing) whose ministerial workings can be seen here and Zainab Ahmed (Finance).

Buhari also thought it’d be a good idea to throw in Hadi Srika (Minister of State for Aviation) of modest achievements and the Nigeria Air fiasco and Lai Mohammed? Who chose to mildly embody the pronunciation of his name during his tenure as Minister of Information ⁠ — giving us gems such as this, this and looters lists despite being fingered in a ₦2.5 bn fraud case.

Youth check. Women Check.

Boy, definitions sure have changed since Buhari became president. This is the only excuse I can think of, for the guy whose ministerial nominees has no one below the age of 35. You promised youth ministerial appointments Bubz, we ain’t forget.

And I know my math sucks, but 7 female candidates, out of 43 nominees does not equate to a 35% appointment rate, Mr. Prez.

This isn’t helping those WAEC result theories you know.

We are not understanding.

In total, 43 persons, spread across the 6 geo-political zones were nominated by the president for ministerial roles. Which is wild because I could have sworn Bubu said Nigeria couldn’t afford to pay 42 ministers back in 2015. The country doesn’t appear to be better than it was back then, so what gives? Did another Abacha alert enter? The people need to know.

Ministerial Screening.

Ruining the NA’s scheduled plans to go on recess at the end of July, someone had the genius idea to screen ministerial nominees without their portfolios attached, starting from July 24th, with 10 ministers.

You may have noticed that while some nominees were grilled on the state of the country’s economy and their performance in prior governmental roles, others were simply told to take a bow without being subjected to questions like Rotimi Amaechi, and Godswill Akpabio This is due to the standing convention that nominees who have served in the upper and lower legislative chambers of the national assembly, as well as the State House of Assembly, be exempted from questioning.

WTF is a ‘gender sensitive’ National Assembly?

A weird thing happened during the screening. When it was time to question ministerial nominee, Sharon Ikeazu, the lawmakers, rather than have her answer questions testing her capabilities, instead agreed unanimously to have her take a bow “in the spirit of gender sensitivity.”

What in the hell does that mean? Her tender, sensitive female brain can’t handle the rigours of answering questions before her peers? Somebody please tell the house their benevolent sexism is stinking up a storm.

THE SHIITE PROTESTS.

On July 22nd, a protest by the Islamic Movement of Nigeria (IMN) also known as Shiites, took a turn for the worst when it devolved into a bloody clash with members of the police.

This was the latest in a series of protests held against the arrest of their leader ⁠ — Ibrahim El-Zakzaky who has been in police custody since 2015.

Backstory on the continued protests.

The Shiites are an Islamic sect which came to prominence in Nigeria in the 90s under the leadership of Ibrahim El-Zakzaky. Their ideology lays in converting Nigeria to an Islamic state by rigorously adopting Islamic ideals to every aspect of Nigerian life. This ideology has made the sect and its leader, El Zakzaky primary targets for the government, both military and democratic, with their leader spending around 12 -13 years behind bars. On July 25th 2014, following a pro-Palestinian procession, soldiers shot at and killed 35 of Zakzaky’s followers, three of which were his sons. This attack was widely condemned for its inhumanity.

Things came to a head in 2015 after a procession of IMN members and the convoy of Chief of Army Staff, Lt. General Tukur Buratai clashed on Sokoto Road, Zaria. A massacre ensued where 300 shiite Muslims were killed by the Nigerian army. Following this 2015 clash, El Zakzaky was arrested, together with his wife Zeenah and kept out of public viewing for years despite a court order in 2016 demanding his release. In May 2018, El Zakzaky was charged with unlawful gathering, criminal conspiracy and the culpable homicide of Corporal Yakubu Dankaduna during the violent clash of 2015.

Several protests have since followed for his release.

The aftermath of the July 22 protest.

About 8 lives were lost, 6 of which were Shiite protesters, one Deputy Commissioner of Police — Usman Umar and Precious Owolabi, a corps member serving with Channels TV.

A truly avoidable tragedy.

ROCHAS, IS EVERYTHING OKAY G?

We’re only asking because members of the EFCC recently sealed the former governor turned Senator’s Foundation College in Imo, a secondary school belonging to his daughter — Uloma Nwosu as well as the All-in Supermarket, allegedly belonging to a member of the Rochas family.

Is this payback time for all those ugly statues? Guess we’ll find out.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

Even though he’s no longer Minister of State for Petroleum Resources, let us never forget that Ibe Kachikwu revealed on video, and in his official bio that he graduated with a first class in law, got caught lying and then attempted to deny ever stating so.

Buhari says he’s ‘on top’ of the security situation, anyone want to find out what happens if he goes under it?

Need a reason to be mad today? Check this lawmaker decrying his 8.5m salary as too small out.

NOT.THE.NEWS.

Your devices are spying on you. All of them. Read how deep it goes here.

I’m still not done, but Icarus on Netflix, a documentary on one man’s attempt to uncover doping in sports is a must-see. Just don’t @ me with spoilers, okay?

Ministry is moving

THAT’S CHIEF JUSTICE MUHAMMAD TANKO TO YOU!

After 6 months of having to remind overzealous, praise singing friends and family he was only serving in an ‘acting’ capacity (…I imagine🌚) ⁠ — Tanko Muhammad can finally get a “CJN 21 4eva” license plate commissioned, because on July 17, he was confirmed as the 21st Chief Justice of Nigeria by the Senate.

Congratulations to him! Let’s look back at how he got here. 

Let’s cast our minds back to January 2019 when the judiciary surprised Nigerians everywhere by actually working, and doing so at the blink-and-you-missed-it speed of two weeks — which was how long it took to investigate, charge and suspend former Chief Justice Walter Onnoghen for failing to declare his assets and owning five foreign bank accounts.

As the next justice in command, Muhammad Tanko was immediately elevated to the position of Acting CJN on January 25, a position that was extended in April 2019, following the lapse of the constitutionally allowed three months before he was finally confirmed on July 17th.

He has been in active legal practice since 1982 and has served as the Chief Magistrate of the High Court of the FCT, a judge at the Bauchi State Sharia Court of Appeal and a member of the Bench of the Court of Appeal since that time.

THE 48 BILLION LAWS OF POWER.

On July 15, the contents of Oyo State Governor, Seyi Makinde’s ₦48 billion assets declaration form called me a “broke boi”, demanded I “level up” and also took digs at my Twitter follower numbers.

Breakdown.

Making up said contents are cash at hand and in the bank worth N234, 742,296.01, with an additional $30,056.99 in dollar terms as at May 29, 2019. Properties worth N2, 624,800,500, existing Eurobonds worth $3, 793, 500 as well as shares, debentures and other securities valued at N120,500,000.

Get more of the breakdown here.

Seyi Makinde is so very monied up, he’s wealthier than most states in Nigeria, even his home state — Oyo, which brings in about ₦4 billion a month.

Do you know how incredibly secured your bag must be, you’re actually richer than entire states? I mean, of course, you don’t, Tinubu does, but that’s another story.

“So how is he so gaddem rich?”

– Asks just about every member of the APC.

If we had to guess, we’d start with three words — ‘Oil and gas’. With a background in engineering, Makinde founded his first private oil and gas company — Makon Engineering and Technical Services (METS) in 1997 at the age of 29. This has since been spread out to The Makon Group (which btw, he owns) with interests in power, construction and engineering. Together with interests in real estate, it isn’t too hard to see just where his many zeros come from.

However, don’t get it twisted like most people; he doesn’t have ₦48 billion chilling in some overflowing bank account somewhere. The amount signifies the value of his assets spread out in assets, companies and cash.

THE ADULTS ARE FIGHTING AGAIN.

Something is brewing in Edo State and it is not freshly made Omisagwe.

Currently slow-cooking in the state is a rift between two sons of da soil: APC Chairman — Adams Oshiomole and his protege, the current governor Godwin Obaseki.

We love our beef well-done. Here’s what’s happening.

Now, we’re not exactly sure when this beef started, but sometime between when Oshiomole picked out the perfect tones for 2019’s second-quarter safari suits, and Obaseki settled on navy blue as the sartorial shade of the year, something went really sour between the previously chummy besties.

The first sign of trouble came in June, when Edo APC Chieftain — Charles Idahosa demanded Oshiomole’s resignation as APC Chieftain for allegedly fuelling division within the party.

Then there was that really weird inauguration drama. So nine out of the 24 members of the Edo State lawmakers thought it’d be a great idea to have a secret meeting to inaugurate the House of Assembly AND elect a new speaker of the house. This happened close to midnight, June 17th. This was allegedly to ensure the governor’s speaker of choice — Frank Okiye was chosen, and not the choice of the 19 pro-Oshiomole lawmakers — Hon. Victor Edoror.

The most recent indication of the beef was the sacking of 8 commissioners by Governor Obaseki. Just guess who those commissioners owe allegiance to. No really, guess.

One day, one day, we’ll get a governor that actually stays gone at the end of his tenure. Until then, let’s see how this plays out.

Speaking of adults fighting…

The heat is still on in the petition filed to determine the true winner of the February 2019 Presidential election. On July 17th, a witness for Atiku, who served as a PDP agent in the 2019 elections broke down in tears during cross-examination when he recanted the alleged loss of two lives when violence broke out in his ward.

Please, please take one minute of your day to read the defence lawyer’s response.

At least Atiku is still putting up a fight, hear that People’s Democratic Movement?

A SERIES OF HEARTBREAKING NIGERIAN EVENTS.

In this week alone, Nigerians got word of the tragic murder of Mrs Funke Olakunri, the daughter of Afenifere leader — Reuben Fasoranti at the hands of suspected herdsmen along the Ore-Shagamu Expressway. Then there was the kidnap of two others and Madam Beauty Siasia, the mother of former Super Eagles Striker — Samson Siasia; a harrowing second kidnap in four years.

There was also the tragic loss of Senator Elisha Abbo’s uncle and the kidnap of Rifqatu, his stepmother, This isn’t counting the doubtless scores of lives, not known enough to get nationwide attention.

When is the state of Nigeria’s security, going to receive the attention it deserves?

DID YOU MISS THIS?

The economy is tanking, our security is a joke, but at least the President has a new pretty portrait to look at.
Can I call a truce on Adeleke’s behalf? Dis tew much Governor Oyetola.

NOT.THE.NEWS.

I learnt there are levels to this scamming game. Check out ‘Sour Grapes’ on Netflix, to find out how one ballsy con-artist swindled Hollywood producers and thousands of wine lovers of millions of dollars by selling counterfeit wines. Let me know how broke you feel after, okay?

Re-visited this article from one of my favourite writers, Lena Dunham on her first love.

This podcast on a reporter rapidly growing blind and the development of designs for the visually impaired? Listen, right now!

Smell you later, alligatorz!

PIN THE TAIL ON THE ASSAULTERS.

In the last 7 days, while many Nigerians were making headlines, populating the Forbes under 30 list, an unrelated group of Nigerians appeared to be rather uninterested in achieving such seemingly mundane things.

See, they were a lot more interested in shattering the Nigerian laws of gravity, by sinking to a record low absolutely no one thought possible

Here are the named assaulters:

          

Elisha Abbo. 

You’re going to want to remember this name, not just for the senatorial recall process, but because he may have started something fr, fr.

Breaking a time honoured tradition of Sudden Party Blindness (SPB) at the mention of a member’s vagrant actions (case in point, this video, and its ensuing reactions) — Abbo mucked up so badly, his party, the PDP had no choice but to leave him out to dry.

On May 11th, 2019, Nigeria’s youngest senator, perhaps looking to replace his pump — made his way into an adult toy shop in the company of three ladies. Following a ridiculous exchange with the store owner, in which he alleged to have been called drunk, he physically assaulted a woman in the shop who dared ask that he ‘take it easy’ in handling the situation.

Upon the release of the CCTV footage on July 1, Abbo attempted to diffuse the situation by coming up with a most ridiculous tale which involved shopping for jeans with his sister and his being slapped three times by a Bible-wielding assailant. When that ploy obviously failed, he gave a robotic press release in apology, where he attempted to purchase some sympathy with tears, before immediately appearing to THINK better of it.

However, in the event that those tears were real, I will be needing about 750 CCs super shot into my veins, STAT!

Biodun Fatoyinbo.

In light of the fact that this matter is yet to be decided upon by a court of law, here’s an omnipresent ‘allegedly’ to prevent repetition and allow for easier reading.

In a video streamed 121 000 times, Busola Dakolo, professional photographer narrated how, at 16, she was groomed, preyed upon and raped twice in the space of one week by Biodun Fatoyinbo, Senior Pastor OF COZA.

This sparked a social media hailstorm that saw the birthing of protests staged at the 2 branches of his church in Lagos and Abuja. The pastor, who has time and time again, been the subject of sexual assault claims, has since stepped down.

However, pertinent on everyone’s minds is whether or not he will face prosecution. According to the police, they require a formal complaint before any criminal actions can be taken against him. It is unclear whether or not Mrs Dakolo will be issuing one.

Habeebulah Abdulrahman.

This Islamic cleric admitted to raping a 16 year old girl, and then claimed to be married to her to avoid arrest, seeing as Nigeria’s Criminal laws, in 2019⁠ — do not recognise the very real possibility of marital rape.

Turns out there was no marriage to begin with, and she was merely a pupil under his tutelage at an Islamic school in Eye, Osun State.

More of his victims of his have turned up since this story made waves on social media. He is currently in police custody.

It is important to note that, in light of these gruesome acts of sexual violence against women, Nigeria’s Criminal Code (S218), bars a minor below the age of 13 from instituting an action against her assaulter, where 2 months have elapsed from the date of the assault.

For context, had Mrs. Dakolo been raped at 12, and just now in 2019, found the courage to tell her story ⁠ — she would be statutorily barred from bringing a criminal action against Biodun Fatoyinbo.

NIGERIA AGREES TO SIGN THE AfCTA.

On July 2nd, President Buhari announced that Nigeria will be signing the African Continental Free Trade Agreement, at the next summit of African Union (AU), holding in Niamey from July 7.

Sounds great! Now if only we knew what that was ?

Well, as Google informed me 10 minutes ago, the AfCTA is an agreement to create the world’s largest trading blocs since the World Trade Organisation, by leveraging the 1.2 billion people that make up the member states of the AU into a single market.

The agreement seeks to promote intra-Africa trade by removing obstacles to transactions such as high tariffs, to allow access to commodities and services across the continent. As part of the agreement, countries have committed to removing tariffs on 90% of their goods. The AfCTA went into force on May 30th, 2019.

Why Is Nigeria Signing Now?

Although Nigeria was one of the initial backers of the trade agreement at its nascent stages in 2002 — the country changed courses on supporting the AfCTA when a draft deal was signed last year. This was amidst fears that Nigeria’s efforts at promoting local manufacturing and farming would be thwarted through an influx of low-priced goods from neighbouring countries. However, following an impact assessment of the trade agreement in June (um, why wasn’t this just done earlier?), the fears were allayed and our President will be signing the agreement in Niamey.

…Unless of course, he just doesn’t show up. You know how he sometimes tends to do that.

BYE RUGA! WE HARDLY KNEW YE?

Even though the FG has stated the rural grazing area project is only suspended, I’m going to go on a hunch supported by the Curious Case of Nigeria Air, and say suspensions are really the place proposed plans go to die. This may be — probably will be — the last we’ll hear of RUGA. Well, going under that name at least.

To refresh, the FG, on the face of it, appeared to seek a solution to the herdsmen-farmer crisis by proposing settlements for persons involved in animal husbandry, in every state of the federation. This idea was met with obvious resistance, as many were opposed to rewarding a private enterprise associated with the murder and looting of communities around Nigeria, with free, amenities abundant land.

The fact that the project adjusted to suit interested states only, and curiously Benue, which opposed it — was overlooked, as continued calls on social media for its scrap persisted. On July 3rd, the outcries proved effective and the project was treated to a jumbo-sized number 8.

Yes, where do I sign up for the NASS care package?

The Senate President, his deputy, together with the Speaker and Deputy Speakers of the House of Representatives and 465 other lawmakers, will reportedly be the recipients of a ₦32.83 billion welcome package, starting July the 8th.

While the specific sum each lawmaker is to receive is unclear, there are indications that each can go home with at least ₦70 million worth of care.

Read more here.

Because this seems to be above human understanding, I will now be requiring divine help to understand just why these lawmakers are paid so much.

Are You Ready For Strike Number 3000?

What do you do when your government is determined to take you fi idiat? If you ask the Nigerian Labour Congress, they’ll tell you the same thing they do just about every quarter of the year: threaten to embark on a strike action!

It has been three months since the ₦ 30,000 minimum wage was signed into law, and three months since, the account balances of Nigerian workers have failed to reflect that amount. To protest, the NLC is threatening a strike action to cripple commercial activities around the country. The Senate President, Ahmed Lawan, a recipient of a welcome package, bountiful enough to pay the salaries of at least 2333 workers, has appealed to the body that they hold off proposed plans to revolt against the non-implementation of the new wage.

Can somebody please hit the hard-reset button on Nigeria?

DID YOU MISS THIS?

Gbajamiabila doesn’t rate the NASS. It really do be your own speaker.

Nigeria’s dad will not be pleased with her ‘women in politics’ score.

NOT THE NEWS?

Because everything sucks and our National Assembly is living large off of our backs, here’s one of my favourite episodes of People Watching, on the one self-help group we’d actually join.

Before the DMs, there was the letterbox, here’s one of the most skillful slide-ins I’ve ever read.

Long watch, but here’s a history of Nigeria if you happen to have never seen it.

Well, now you’ve seen what I do with Canva in my spare time.

WELCOME TO THE BAD BOYS CLUB

You are cordially invited to witness the unfurling of the Bad Boys Club: Ex-governor’s edition. Please be informed that membership into this most ignominious assembly requires a looting threshold of at least a billion naira.

At its upper echelon, we have former Zamfara State Governor, Abdulaziz Yari, whose administration awarded a contract of ₦27.5 billion — twice to a single corporation for borehole projects.

There is also distinguished Senator Rochas Okorocha, the former Imo State Governor, whose administration is alleged to have made away with ₦50 billion worth of Imo State property.

In the lower ranks, we have former Bauchi Governor — Mohammed Abubakar, whose alleged loot comes in at a robust 1.2 billion, or ₦2.3bn, depending on who you’re asking.

All parties, it should be noted, have a combined bounty big enough to wipe out a sizeable chunk of the country’s current domestic debt. And these are only the former leaders that have been allegedly caught.

Now, in an entirely different bunker of his own, is former Ogun State Governor, Ibikunle Amosun, whose alleged stockpile of 1000 AK47 rifles and 4 million bullets, is the envy of guerilla combatants everywhere.

Let’s examine their antics, shall we:

Abdul’Aziz Yari With The Billion Naira Boreholes. 

Governor Yari served as Governor of Zamfara State between 2011 and 2018, during which time he was no stranger to allegations. At the peak of insecurity in the state (for which he notably resigned as Chief Security Officer), it was alleged that he moved to Abuja to safely govern the State while his people languished.

Between 2014–2018, he was also alleged to have breached the Public Procurement Act by doing business with companies not registered with the CAC. Granting contracts to at least 37 unregistered companies, some of which lacked even registered names. He is also alleged to have built a hotel with the $3 million Paris club refund.

At the end of his tenure, further allegations sprung up, that he had left behind a staggering debt profile of over ₦251.9 billion in his wake.

Keeping the ball rolling, Yari is currently facing allegations of awarding in 2018 ⁠ — a bloated contract to the tune of ₦27.5 bn to the company — China Zhonghao Nigeria Limited. This commission was for all things, the construction and drilling of 84 solar powered boreholes in the 14 LGAs of Zamfara State.

Only, for a 2018 commission, this contract is giving us a weird feeling of deja vu that just won’t go away. Because we could have sworn it was first awarded in 2013.

Oh that’s right, it just might have been.

Documents have allegedly surfaced, confirming that a contract of the same scope and cost was awarded back in 2013; with the added kicker that the project was initially valued at ₦19.3 bn, only to be marked up to ₦27.5 bn at the point of its award to the China Zhonghao company.

Can we just add that Zamfara currently holds stead as the poorest state in Nigeria? Yari denies the allegations, but giving Nigeria’s track record, this whole debacle is about to be forgotten in 5, 4, 3 …

Mohammed Abubakar Who Spent 1.2 billion On Bauchi Burials.

“I just wanted my people to look fresh to death.”

On June 24th, it was reported that the former Bauchi State Governor, you know, the same one that allegedly tried to spend 11 billion naira in 11 hours, expended a whopping ₦2.3 billion on funeral expenses in the state.

If this gives you a headache, then you are not alone, Bauchi has a largely Islamic population, whose tenets prescribe modesty in internment. So unless the governor planned on covering the funeral costs of the state in perpetuity, something does just does not add up.

In his defence, the former governor claims to have been following laid down precedents of past administrations, countering the two billion naira claim for a reduced ₦1.2 billion in funeral expenses, like a billion naira on funerals would somehow be more understandable.

Wah is really going on?

Rochas Okorocha In The 50 bn Gang.

According to the Committee on Recovery of Imo State Property (why was this originally set up?👀) about ₦50 billion worth of Imo State chattel has gone missing with the Rochas Okorocha administration. Much to my chagrin, the missing property in question is not, in fact, a portable, mobile statue, but boring stuff like 66 utility vehicles and furniture belonging to the state.

ATIKU ISN’T GETTING A PEEK AT THOSE SERVERS YET.

On June 24th, the election petition tribunal figuratively smacked Atiku’s hands away from sneaking a peek into INEC servers. His request to compel INEC to allow access to their ‘non-existent’ 2019 servers was rejected.

Their reason lay in the request being premature, as the tribunal is currently in the interlocutory stage, attempting to decide on whether or not servers were in existence.

The PDP presidential aspirant isn’t too bothered by any of it however, he might be laughing last yet.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

Dalung’s … interview.

NYSC Certificate, who needs it? Definitely not you, future governor of whatever state.

It’s 4/20 everyday, for 10 million Nigerians at least.

Nigeria is the shittiest place to live. Literally.

Shocker: Nigerian senator charged with corruption

Those drones actually weren’t for a kidnapping themed music video? Colour me surprised.

So What Else Has She Been Up To?

Gaining international clout! Last week, Mrs Ezekwesili held an interview with Christiane Amanpour of CNN to decry the failings of previous Nigerian governments and state the reasons for her running for president.

Her candidacy was also endorsed by the former president of Malawi- Mrs Joyce Banda who extolled Oby for giving her sound advice that made the running of a transparent government, possible.

So we have what she’s running for and why she plans on doing so, we’re just not sure of the how. Where is the detailed plan for Nigeria? We wait.

Kpa Du Kpa, 2019 Election Debates Are A Go?

Forget your Literary and Debating Society gimmicks, the Nigerian political elite is about to show you a thing or two about getting owned in debates. Mark your calendars and cancel all rocks, The Nigerian Election Debate Group (who else didn’t know we had one?) and The Broadcasting Organisations of Nigeria have announced that the vice-presidential debates will hold on December 14, while the presidential debates will take place on January 19, 2019.

Hit this

MY WATCH IS OVER.
And that’s about as wide as my GOT vocabulary stretches.
Now that my Sundays have freed up, please feel free to shoot me an email on boyin@bigcabal.com. Let me know what you think we should try out, over here at Zikoko. This is purely for work, and definitely not to keep me company now that I have -0 things to keep me occupied over the weekend.
Honest.

HELLO GUV’NOR.

On March 9th, 29 of Nigeria’s 36 states headed to polling units to make their choice from candidates contesting the gubernatorial elections. The 7 states left out — Anambra, Bayelsa, Edo, Ekiti, Kogi, Ondo, Osun had the whole day to get crunk and disorderly, owing to their elections being carried out before-hand or off-season.
The FCT is also excluded from the gubernatorial election narrative, being governed by a minister appointed by the President. Lucky them.
Uncharacteristically excluded from the elections however, was Rivers State. The widespread electoral violence plaguing the area caused INEC to suspend polling indefinitely. Yikes.
Meanwhile, House of Assembly elections held in all states, with Area Council elections carried out in the FCT.

So Who Won?

A number of incumbent governors like Alhaji Muhammad Badaru of Jigawa State, Udom Emmanuel of Akwa Ibom, Benedict Ayade of Cross Rivers, Okezie Ikpeazu of Abia State. Abubakar Bello of Niger State and Nasir El Rufai of kaduna State, were notable winners in the gubernatorial elections.

Newcomers however include: Abdulrahman Abdulrazak of Kwara APC, who defeated his PDP counterpart — Abdulrazak Atunwa. Seyi Makinde of the PDP also won the Oyo governorship seat, likewise Dapo Abiodun of the APC who won the Ogun State governorship election. Babajide Sanwo-Olu also emerged victorious in the Lagos State gubernatorial elections. Commemorating with him was no other than the outgoing governor of the state – Akinwunmi Ambode, who put out a statement to that effect. While that was awfully big of him, let it be known — we ain’t forget.

Notable winners of the House of Assembly elections include Desmond Elliot of the Surulere Constituency, who returns to the Lagos State House of Assembly. Tragically, Mr Ezekiel Afon, a lawmaker representing Penganca Constituency of Plateau State, lost his life to a brief illness, after winning the re-election to the State House of Assembly.

Fantastic Victories And Where To Find Them.

March 9th’s elections also recorded victories that sounded so good to be true, they just might have been. The APC for instance, recorded a 100% victory in the Lagos State House of Assembly elections, giving all representative positions and the Speaker of the House seat, to the APC.
House opposition? Where?

Toeing the same line is the Niger State Governor- Abubakar Bello of the PDP — whose supposed popularity saw him winning 25/25 of the Local Government Areas in his state. Leaving his challenger — Umar Nasko’s campaigning ego — considerably bruised.

Much Interesting. Not suspicious at all.

NIGERIA’S ELECTORATE IS PUTTING THE ‘PAT’ IN ‘VOTER APATHY’

Now, this may be up for debate  but there is definitely something wrong somewhere, when a country’s citizens appear to be more concerned voting for a BBN finalist, than they are choosing leaders to govern their actual lives for the next couple of years.
A paltry 34.75% of the registered voters turned out to vote in the presidential elections, bringing the figures to the lowest turn-out the country has witnessed in the last twenty years. And if that isn’t worrying enough, these figures dipped even further in the gubernatorial elections, leaving a worrying foreshadowing for elections to come.
But what caused this consecutive dip in voter turn-out? Did the mindless violence and obvious rigging of the presidential elections have a part to play? Perhaps Saraki’s point of military presence deterring voters, holds sway? It could just be many caught wind of the sinister activities of the day and chose to stay put. And who can blame them? Imo State recorded the killing of a party agent and the destruction of ballot papers by its youth on March 9th.
Six INEC staff were kidnapped and then released in Kogi State. While Ogbomosho was raided by thugs who stole printed ballot papers and boxes to name a few.

As it currently stands, this apathy might be here to stay, unless INEC can somehow find a way to incorporate diary sessions or a shower-hour into the electoral process. I’d sincerely suggest a more efficient process, sure to encourage faith in the voting process before anything desperate is considered, however.

If Only Atiku Won A State For Every Candidate That Tried To Convince Him To Accept The Results…

The Forum of Presidential Candidates and Political Parties for Good Governance (try saying FPCPPGG three times) — a forum that is apparently legit  and was not made up last week, like I wrongly assumed — has through its 36 candidates, beckoned Atiku Abubakar to accept defeat and resist contesting the election results in a court of law.

Giving no real reason for their appeal in a statement read by its chairman, Mr. Shittu Kabir — they simply stated that Abubakar was capable of promoting peace in the nation, without having to hold any political office.

Then they went further to age-shame him; saying: “at his age, he should avoid any action… to fan the embers of discord.” Shady.

But Atiku has bigger fish to fry than this group with its impossible to remember acronym. His lawyer — Tanimu Turaki (who heads his challenge of the election results) was on March 4th detained by the EFCC after being invited to sign a bail document for his son-in-law  —  Babalade Abdullahi, who had also been arrested 3 weeks prior. They have since been released, but their arrests can be interpreted as attempts to intimidate Abubakar into dropping any case against the election results. Tactics which have no place in a democracy we supposedly practice.

Yobe PDP And The Case of Post-Loss Clarity.

In an unsurprising, yet embarrassing moment of post-loss clarity — some supporters and officials of the People’s Democratic Party, Yobe State, on March 5th defected to the APC and announced their regret in voting Atiku for the presidency.

Why exactly they regret their choice is unclear, ditto the virtues of the APC that spurred their defection t. But hey, none of that matters right? They’re in the ruling party, and all sins are forgiven.

Bonus news: to crown off Atiku’s not very nice week, the candidate of the National Rescue Movement — Mr Usman Ibrahim Alhaji, is dragging Atiku’s wealthy self, together with Buhari, to court for spending over ₦ 1 billion in the elections. Wonder what gave it away?

Remi Tinubu, WYD Babes?

On March 9th, Mrs. Tinubu was outed as a casual purveyor of tribalism. This information didn’t come courtesy a leaked tape, or a grainy recording, but from the senator herself.

In full view of a press team, a whole Senator of the FRN, let it be known that she didn’t trust Igbo people.

While addressing a crowd gathered outside of her home and polling unit, Mrs. Tinubu, as seen in this video, approached a handicapped man, but not without first derisively asking if he was Igbo. She then proceeded to ask the very personal question of his choice in the presidential election, before surmising that Igbo people couldn’t be trusted when he gave her the answer she was looking to hear.

Her flippancy in stoking the fires of tribalism that have had nightmarish repercussions on our nation’s history is unbecoming, to say the least, and worryingly inciting at most. Do better.

Another Tragedy

The life of Honourable Temitope Olatoye AKA Sugar, was cut short by unknown assailants while returning from casting his vote in the gubernatorial elections.

He was a member of the Federal House of Representatives, although he lost his seat in the February 23 elections.

He is yet another precious life lost to the violence that mars Nigerian elections, year in and out.

IF YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM, INVALIDATE THEM.

Abdullahi Ganduje has bought himself, maybe a few more months of diplomatic immunity from prosecution for this embarrassing affair, as the gubernatorial elections held in Kano State have been declared inconclusive by INEC. The reason? A high number of invalidated votes in different parts of the state.

This doesn’t sit right for a number of VERY OBVIOUS reasons:

1. Ganduje was very clearly going to lose this thing. Of the 44 local governments in Kano State, he was trailing behind his opponent — Abba Kabir- Yusuf, who had 1,014,353 votes, to Ganduje’s 987,819 from 43 LGAS.
2. His Deputy was well aware of this and attempted to disrupt collation in the last LGA — Nasarawa. This led to him being placed under arrest, because only a lock and key could have kept his itchy fingers from rigging apparently. Side-note: these guys take DIY to new levels. Collecting bribes, disrupting a collation process, they do it all, and without a lot of outside help too.
3. And if that wasn’t enough drama, the result sheet of the Nasarawa election was torn by “suspected thugs”. Sure.

Also invalidated were the elections held in Adamawa, Bauchi, Benue, Kano, Plateau and Sokoto States. And as a little FYI, an election is only invalidated when the number of canceled votes, can affect the outcome of the elections. Like say 100 votes were canceled and the vote margin/difference between the 2 leading parties is 99; then the results have to be invalidated, as all the canceled votes could maybe have been in favour of the losing party, giving him the upper hand.

The supplementary elections are expected to be carried out within 21 days of the initial March 9th polls.

Yay! You made it to the end, fr fr.

IT’S 10 DAYS TO THE GOVERNORSHIP ELECTIONS.
And you’re getting this dispatch late because I kept waiting for the final results to be announced, but our stone-age collating system made sure it took three days to do so. Hate the player and the game.

BUHARI CAME UP TOP, BUT…

After making Nigerians suffer through hours and hours of this, our incumbent president — Muhammadu ‘ToldyouIwasgoingtowin’ Buhari, has finally emerged victorious against the former VP —  Atiku Abubakar to win the 2019 presidential elections. The PDP isn’t having it though, Atiku too.

Now Atiku held his own, coming out victorious in states like Abuja (ouch Bubs!), Benue, Oyo, Anambra and his home state of Adamawa, but Buhari floored him with downright disrespectful numbers in other areas.

So disrespectful in fact, I decided to play a little game of…

This.Don’t.Add.Up.

Now first things first, the Chairman of INEC himself – Mahmood Yakubu,  has admitted discrepancies between the number of accredited voters and the total number of votes cast, a.ka, they don’t add up. He has played it down to the difference being less than 2% and insignificant, but for an election as dicey as this, not good enough.
Then we have Borno state. What doesn’t make sense isn’t the fact that 955 205 Borno citizens came out to vote, despite suffering through multiple bombings only the morning of the elections — they displayed the same tenacity in the 2015 elections, at the height of the Boko Haram attacks.
Nope. What’s odd is fact that 836 496, freshly attacked voters, picked the same guy that assured them the Boko Haram scourge had been defeated.
And then there was this mess. I tried to make sense of this — officials were trying to make it in time to watch Barcelona’s match? The guy voting thinks he has the cutest prints and was selfishly hoarding the ballot from everyone else??  See it here also. It just doesn’t add up.
 

Here Are Your Other Winners.

Congratulations Nigeria, here are some of the notable names that will be charged with the running of state affairs for the next four years:
Ibrahim Oloriegbe — the APC Senatorial candidate, now charged with representation of Kwara Central in the National Assembly. He defeats Senator Bukola Saraki, the erstwhile President of the Senate to assume this role.
Rochas Okorocha: the statue-happy Governor can now swap the ‘Excellency’ title for the next level ‘Honourable’ tag. He has been announced the winner of the Imo West Senatorial seat.
Shina Peller: someone is going to be adding another feather to his magical hat, because Mr. Peller has been declared winner of the Iseyin federal constituency seat.
Other winners include Remi Tinubu who continues business as usual with the Lagos Central Senatorial Seat. Stella Oduah of the ₦255m BMW fame that year, also won the Anambra North Senatorial seat. Likewise Orji Uzor Kalu — the winner of the Abia North Senate seat.
Patrick Obahiagbon, our favourite sesquipedalian (he taught me that word), has lost the Edo South Senatorial seat to Matthew Urhoghide, leaving only Dino Melaye, who won his senatorial seat  — with the very serious task of entertaining us, over at the National Assembly.