You don’t have to live in Nigeria to be aware of how bad security currently is in the country. The US has banned us for it. The president is being asked to resign over it, even the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) is protesting against it. Now speaking of the CAN protest, Nathaniel Samuel, a self-proclaimed member of the Living Faith Church, on February 2nd, attempted to blow up a Sabon Tasha area branch of the church in Kaduna State. This attempt came one day after the start of the CAN protest.

What we know so far, about the attempted bomber.

His name is Nathaniel Samuel.

And not Mohammed, by any accident. Somebody, please return that journalist to training school.

By his admission, he is a member of the Living Faith Church.

Nathaniel Samuel also admitted to have missed being a pastor of the church, having attended its Leadership and Training School.

From reports, he was turned away from The Living Faith church a week ago.

No reason has yet been given why.

Conflicting reports explain the attempted bombing.

On one hand, it is claimed he waited in the church toilet while the IED placed in a bag was stationed in the main auditorium. Other accounts report that the IED was left in a car on the church premises.

His activity was claimed to have been caught on the Church CCTV camera.

Following which, he was arrested.

Aftermath of Nathaniel Samuel’s arrest.

Many Nigerians have spoken out against his attempt. Some noting that any religion can have a role to play in terrorism.

Organisations like the Muslim Rights Concern (MURIC) decried his act, but noted that his being Christian proved there are in fact Christian members of the Boko Haram sect. They believe his actions contradict what they believe is the impetus of the CAN protest against insecurity. Others like PDP member – Femi-Fani Kayode are adamant that Samuel is no Christian.

Nothing that, there are a few glaring questions to be answered, however:

1. Why is an Improvised Explosive Device being handled so carelessly?

Detonated or not; from all indications, this is a crudely made device. Why is it being so carelessly tossed about and showcased?

2. Why would a member of the Living Faith Church attempt to blow it up?

No reason behind his actions has been given.

3. Why hasn’t Living Faith Church responded?

Or affirmed whether or not he did in fact attend the pastoral training school?

Do you have any questions about the attempted attack?

First things first, we all know living in Nigeria is a struggle. 120 million people squashed in a country that won’t give them light, has non-existent healthcare, even transport is too hard to get right.
How we’ve made it on less than nothing is a mystery because this country?

Now if you’ve spent any time in this country, you’ve definitely faced some type of struggle, whether being stuck for hours in a bus with someone that wants all the passengers to give their lives to Christ, but not without donating a little something-something for the construction of his ultra-modern church.

Or having to do a ‘what I ordered versus what I got’ battle with your tailor every Christmas. Struggles dey.

But what’s your least favourite. We’ll go first. Here’s a list of the Nigerian struggles we can’t wait to miss from our real country, Canada:

Having to do the almighty formula to know when they’ll bring back power.

If they took it at 12 PM, that means we’ll have like 7 hours break. Maybe by 7 or 10PM latest sha.

Having to carry your own own extension cord to the office.

Before you start hearing stories that touch when you want to charge your torchlights, rechargeable fan and stabilised before they bring light at 10PM.

Wanting to tell the church beside your house to keep quiet.

But do you have the might to battle the remaining 5 down the street too?

Wanting to take a video in the car to show out on Instagram but Nigerian potholes have you like:

The slay will have to wait till you touch ground.

When you try to think of nice tourist attractions to take your friends from the abroad to.

Hmm. If we go to Idanre Hills, there are no safety harnesses, let them not say I killed Kunle for sacrifice. Is the elevator in Olumo rock still working like this? Hmm.

Having to take IELTS to prove you can speak the English you’ve been speaking since you were born.

We don’t blame you sha, Canada. If Nigeria made sense, would I be studying for oral tests at 27?

Wanting to open a website and seeing it’s unavailable in your area.

Thanks Nigeria.

What’s your least favourite Nigerian struggle?

Two-time heavyweight champion – Anthony Joshua has one of those faces/bodies/all-round existence that’s so blindingly good looking you almost can’t stare at him directly.

And if that isn’t good enough, he apparently knows how to win elderly Nigerian hearts over by showing the one thing they can almost kill over, but most times are undeserving of ⁠— respect.

Here he is, prostrating before the president and he posse of aides in London where he also presented his championship belts to the president for an appraisal? Appreciation? Who knows man.

The president is currently in London for the UK Africa summit and the meet with Anthony Joshua happened at a diaspora event for Nigerians.

Anyway, seeing as Tony (I call him Tony) is showing his respects, we found other very important Nigerian scenarios that honestly deserve a good ‘dobale‘ or seven. Here’s our list:

Respect for Ganduje’s money-saving skills.

Because it takes special skills to stuff that many dollars into such a little babaringa.

A dobale for Sanwo-Olu’s abilities in pointing things out.

Believe it or not, it actually takes some special skill to do point that much and achieve so little (based on his campaign promises).

We owe some respect to the quickest dispensation of justice in Nigeria.

Everyone remember a petition was filed against the former CJN Walter Onnoghen? It was received by the government, investigated and charges were filed against said CJN within 7 days of its receipt. Let’s give respect to whom it is due.

Some respect for the swaggiest first day at work.

This picture just called me a broke boy.

You ever seen a hospital at the beach?

Put some respek on Fayose’s name. Man just discovered a revolutionary way to spend a ‘medical trip’ abroad. Just do it at the beach instead.

Where else should Tony pay his respects?

Residents of Abule Egba had a terrifying start to the week and indeed the year when a fire broke out, the evening of January 19th, 2020. This fire is now responsible for immeasurable damage to property and the loss of a yet to be confirmed number of lives.

Before the fire broke out, a Twitter user sounded the alarm over the smell of petrol in the air.

In subsequent tweets, we see him attempt and fail to reach fire services present in the Agege area. Now, while we don’t have the most reliable emergency response services in Nigeria, the Lagos State Fire Service can be reached on 0702 833 8981 in emergencies, allowing them to mobilise whatever teams are at their disposal when informed. Also, the Lagos State emergency services can be reached on 112, in other situations. Both numbers should be saved on your phones for times of crisis.

The fire is believed to be caused by a pipeline leak, the work of vandals who are certain to be a part of Nigeria’s 55.4% unemployed numbers or the 20% that are under-employed.

In 2006, a similar pipeline explosion occurred owed to vandals, claiming the lives of around 260 people and the destruction of several homes and property in Abule-Egba.

In 2018, vandals caused another inferno, again at Abule Egba. While no lives no lost, at least 63 vehicles, 98 shops, petrol stations and others were lost.

With very little to show in efforts to reduce these numbers, 2020’s inferno may just be another one of many soon-to-come, by-products of unemployment in the country.

At its worst, this is what the fires looked like.

Thanks to the hard work of firefighters that stayed on the scene from around 9 PM when the fires started, the fires were eventually put out around 3:30 AM.

It is believed that at least three people lost their lives to this incident, including a young boy.

Please educate the room as to why I’m beefing you, for already starting off your weekend on a Thursday, while I’m here, begging the clock to ‘gbe body’ a little bit for Friday.

Haha, xri bou dah. So here’s the thing, Dubai has five working days, like the rest of the world, but because it’s an Arab nation, Friday is reserved as their holy day. But you’re one to talk. While you’re eating Sunday rice and chicken, I’m already answering and dodging emails at work. So work is Sunday to Thursday, while we have Friday and Saturday for the weekend.

😤Okay, if you insist. Now speaking of the weekend, what are things you can and cannot do on a night out in Dubai?

Uh-oh. I am the absolute worst person to ask this, I’m very devout and I never go out. But, I know some people who do and from what I gather, people do drink. So it’s easy to assume that you know, Muslim country, no alcohol,  but in places like clubs and indoor events, people have access to drink. You know, you can get a license to sell alcohol, but it won’t be like, at the front of the store.

Defs.

And besides that, if you’re buying alcohol, you have to show ID and that name better not be Muslim. So ‘Mustapha’, ‘Amina’, just take Fanta like the rest of us. Although, I’ve heard of people going to other emirates to purchase alcohol regularly.

Oh wait, one more thing.

Let’s av it!

During the holy month of Ramadan, nobody wants to know, you are absolutely not drinking or eating in public places. If you’re carrying anything edible, make sure it’s covered so people don’t know what it is. Don’t even chew gum. Alcohol is out of it.

Let me branch real quick. So you’re a devout Christian in a largely Muslim country. How easy is it to worship in Dubai?

Quite easy actually. Christians get a whole portion to set up churches and worship, but just with the request that they’re mindful of other religions. So you can’t be preaching in buses or dropping canopies outside because you want to do crusades, but fully you can worship here.

Got it. Now how about the other one, you know, greens and such?

So this one, I have no idea about. But if half a brain is chilling in your head, or even just a crumb of brain, you won’t even dream about trying such in Dubai.

Ha, asked and answered. Now Nigeria is one of those Hennything is possible kind of places, how come you left?

So I first visited Dubai in 2008 and when I tell you I was blown away by this city. Clean, organised, super safe. Well, it was super safe that time. So I just thought —

Wait, wait, wait. ‘Was’? What happened here?

Okay wait, let me not say was. Like I said, Dubai is clean, organised and super safe. There are cameras on every corner and it’s fully normal for people to just get out of their cars with the engine running or with the keys inside the car.

*Local Lagosian attempts to relate.*

*Attempt unsuccessful.*

So it’s pretty much safe. But being a part of the UAE, a very serious experience rubbed me the wrong way and guess who was responsible for it? Nigerians.

Oh no. What did we do again?

So a group of Nigerians in Sharjah, another emirate in the UAE, robbed a Bureau De Change. I’ve been in the UAE three years and this was literally the first time I was hearing about a robbery. I think that just settled it for me that nowhere is exactly 100% safe.

Why always us?

Man, it was so embarrassing and honestly just sad to hear about. You never want to hear your country placed in the wrong light, even though that’s almost inevitable with Nigeria. But to have the bad news travel and be present in a whole other country, it was just … bleh.

Man…

But to happier things. Let me continue from where I veered off. In 2008, when I visited Dubai for the first time with my family, I absolutely fell in love. I wanted to come here for my bachelors, but my family decided against it. But thankfully, it was agreed that after NYSC, I’d do my masters here. Before NYSC finished, I was living on my laptop setting everything up. I came in for my masters on January 15th. Hay, I just hit my three year anniversary in Dubai. Whoop.

I’d send you a gift, but you’re pretty much living in one, manage that abeg. 

So how was schooling in Dubai? Feel free to ruin our Minister of Education’s day.

Haha. You know what, I went to school in Babcock, so it’s not like a good education was strange to me.

Hm. Muzz be naize.

But broadly, if I had to compare both systems, Dubai wins. I don’t know if it was curated that way, but we were very few in my Masters class and the lecturers gave us a level of respect I just wasn’t used to.

They spoke to us like adults, allowed rational discussions. Somehow it always felt like you were learning from your friends. I have to say, it’s almost as if these Dubai people have the education thing down to a science. Accommodation, learning environment, all of it just works. But this shouldn’t really come as a surprise.

*Blocks every memory of UNILAG’S New Hall toilet with the blood of the Lamb*

So wait, you work in Dubai now. How easy was it, getting and holding a job on an immigrant visa? 

So I came to Dubai on a student visa, and during the period of my education, I interned at a company who was gracious enough to retain me after the internship ended. As soon as my student visa expired, they sorted out my employment visa. The employment visa runs for two years, and after two years, your company will re-apply for you.

But for people looking to visit or stay a little longer, there are like three ways to apply: there’s a visiting visa, a student visa and a work visa. I don;t think Dubai does allows for a Permanent Residency. There’s another one year visa for business owners, but I’m not too sure how it works. I do know it is quite expensive, so you have to be ready to pay up.

Got it. So what’s a random thing about Dubai that blows your mind every time?

You know, now that I really think about it, Dubai is so safe! Earlier this week, an alarm went off while I was at the metro. Any other place, like just imagine I was in Nigeria and that alarm went off, no window would have been too high to hold my jump.

But here I was just squinting and looking around like, like ahan, who is disturbing the peace? I feel that secure, even with the whole stealing incident.

Fada Lud. Nigeria is waiting. 

Okay, let’s check and balance this. What’s a random bad thing you can’t stand?

What can be bad in this place actually. Let me think.

Aha, the sun! You think Nigeria sun is hot, but then you meet its senior brother that was a wicked senior in boarding school.  Between July and August, it can go as high as 50 degrees. The heat is alarming here. But thankfully, everywhere is air-conditioned, so it’s only if you’re really out and about that you’d feel it. Oh and accommodation prices, whew! Better come correct with the money.

Good, ojoro cancel ojoro just a smidge. Curious here, what do residents of Dubai think of Nigerians?

You know what, they actually really like us. They think we’re fun. They really think we’re rich…

Gee. I wonder what African Princes in Dubai made them think that?

Haha, well. They think we’re really smart, but they accept that we can be a little cunning. Even when the theft happened in Sharjah, while it reflected very negatively on us and I was a bit embarrassed to admit that I was Nigerian, people are mostly over it now. We’re still very much loved here, so that’s good.

Okay, let me take it back to work. I know I’m doing myself over here, but what’s a typical workday like for you in Dubai? Rush hour traffic in Dubai and Rush hour traffic in Lagos, which one is a woman most likely to give birth in?

It’s even good you asked this. Let me give a little context. I’ve interned in Lagos. I lived on the outskirts and worked on the island, so I had to be up at let’s say 4:45 AM every day to avoid traffic. In Dubai, because I like to get extra sleep, I have two alarms. One that goes off at 6:30 AM and the other one that slaps me from bed at 7:00 AM, max 7:05 AM. And that’s only because I take time dressing up. If I really wanted to, I leave home at 8: 10 AM. Work starts at 8:30 AM, but I am too sure it’s only going to take me twenty minutes to get to work, so I can actually wild out a little bit.

See, it’s okay. I don’t want to hear about the traffic again. Interview over.

Ah no oh, you must hear this gist. I walk from my house to the metro, that takes four minutes. Take the train, there are two stops to my office. Walk from there to my office. If both traffic lights stop me, it takes me seven minutes to walk to my office.

Now, because I am so confident in the public transport system, and so many people are as well, I don’t even know about the rush-hour traffic situation. I’ve never bothered with a driving license because these buses and the trains, the whole transport system, it has me covered fully. 

So if you want to compare with Lagos, don’t even try it. Even if you’re travelling between Emirates, it won’t take you up to two hours, it’s that good.

Okay oh. Thank you for flexing on us like that.

Are there any habits you’ve picked up since you started living in Dubai? Something you didn’t do in Nigeria?

See, I love my bed. Like it’s my best friend. If I wasn’t such a homebody, I’d probably be into yoga and more exercising. There’s always room to get into it though… but my bed you see.

I get it oh! Lazy-people cyber fist bump.

But I will say, I walk a lot more in Dubai. Like just in the evenings, casual strolls. If anyone suggested that in Lagos, I’ll just tell them to lead the way, and I’d follow them at the back in a car. Nobody got time for that!

Haha. But, but, would you ever consider coming back to live here?

I’d say, never say never, but I’ve tasted the good life here and I have to say, it’s sweet oh. Let’s see.

Chances are, the only thing you’ve heard or really care about with the 2019 Finance Bill is the VAT increase, and it’s understandable, who wouldn’t want to know how much VAT they’ll be paying on a ₦ 5,000 cocktail, Harvested in Lagos.

But there’s actually a lot more to the bill than the Value Added Tax, here are a few more imaginative ways the government will be taking your money and one interesting way it won’t:

What is the bill about?

A.K.A – its objectives.

Officially, The 2019 Finance Bill aims to set the tone for Nigeria’s fiscal policy for 2020. To promote fiscal equality, align domestic laws with best practices and support micro, small and medium-sized businesses. Much grammar. Oyibo dripping.

Put simply, this bill looks to position Nigeria’s finances in the green and to also place Nigeria’s financial practices on par with its international counterparts.

Here’s what the 2019 Finance Bill will be switching up.

Companies Income Tax.

1. Non-Resident Companies (NRC), we have news for you!

This bill will allow the taxation of NRCs with a significant economic presence in Nigeria and profit attributable to such activity.

So if your company is in the US, but is somehow benefitting from an economic presence in Nigeria, get ready for a little something like this:

It should be noted that the bill is quite vague on what a ‘significant economic presence’ means. If a Nigerian based in China runs an online store frequently patronised by Nigerians in Nigeria, will they be required to pay this tax? Questions, questions.

2. Companies without a Tax Identification Number (TIN), you won’t be able to operate a company account no mo’!

So you might want to run to your nearest IRS office to sort that out.

Insurance Companies.

A little news, you can now carry forward losses indefinitely. This is a fancy accounting term that allowed insurance companies carry losses from a previous year into the new year, to offset a profit. This allows companies to reduce future tax payment. Before the 2019 Finance Bill, this was limited to only 4 years.

Personal Income Tax.

Some new-new, the bill has removed Personal Income Tax relief that individuals enjoy on account of children and dependent adults. Now this sounds like a pretty rough thing to have to do without, but when you consider the tax relief on 4 children amounted to around ₦ 1,500 and was a pain to recover. So yah.

Customs & Excise Tariff.

If you’re importing goods into Nigeria, I hope you have a little cash stashed somewhere for the excise duties you’ll be paying on them.

Yepp! Even though excise duties are usually reserved for exports, you will now have the rare privilege of paying them on imports as well.

Value Added Tax.

Nobody:

Nigeria’s VAT rate:

The Value Added Tax of Nigeria is officially going all the way up from 5% to 7.5 %. Just letting you guys know in case you needed an extra reason to stay home and not spend money on over-priced restaurants.

Read up on all the amendments here. Now go forth and impress your friends with all this new information you have.

It’s a little hard to believe, especially because events in Lagos are equal parts overpriced tickets and shoddy performances, sprinkled with a healthy helping of tardiness to boot.

But back in the day, Lagos was home to one of the coolest festivals the country, and perhaps even the world had ever seen.

It was the year 1977 …

Buhari still had a hairline and the largest gathering of African Americans to ever travel from North America to Africa, congregated in what is now the famous home and humble beginning of 2Baba – FESTAC Town. This was the centre of the 1977 Festival of Arts and Culture.

Because Nigeria applies the concept “history is bound to repeat itself”, strictly to cancerous situations like political leaders and poor infrastructure, we probably will never get an event as momentous as FESTAC ’77.

However, we’ll do well to remember the good thing that was FESTAC with quick notes on the 1977 festival:

FESTAC was the second edition of the World Black and African Festival of Arts and Culture.

The first was held in Dakar, Senegal in 1966. This festival was to promote Afrocentrism – the appreciation of African arts and culture through contemporary art.

The festival brought hope in the face of racial tensions.

1977 was at the heart of racial inequality between black and white people. This left people of African descent with a burning need for identity and a sense of belonging. The Festival provided both.

FESTAC Stats.

The event which commenced on January 15th, 1977, lasted 17 days.

It had in attendance 17,000 participants from 55 nations across Africa, The Americas, Europe, Canada and The Islands.

Important to note, FESTAC could have happened earlier.

Preparations for the Festival kicked off in 1965, but in 1967, The Civil War broke out. After it was called off in 1970, it was again earmarked to hold in 1975, but Nigeria, Nigeria-ed.

Side-note.

Nigeria was rich-rich during this period. Remember Gowon saying “money is not our problem, but how to spend it is”. Covering the costs for the festival was no biggie at the time. We weren’t exactly the World Poverty capital back then, know what I’m saying.

Somebody carried out a coup and suspended the 1975 plans.

Brigadier Murtala Muhammed came into power in a coup that ousted General Gowon, suspending preparations for the 1975 Festival. However, when pressure from African countries mounted, he agreed to hold the festival in 1976. But before he could, Nigeria, Nigeria-ed again, and he was assassinated in a coup that brought the OG – Olusegun Obasanjo into power.

The show begins.

With General Obasanjo in power, preparations for the festival ramped up. A staggering $300 million was spent in constructing roads, expressways, revamping the urban plaza of the Tafawa Balewa Square, 5-star hotels in Kaduna and Lagos, the ultra-modern housing estate now known as FESTAC (whose cost came at $80 million) and the notable National Arts Theatre.

A lot of criticism was heaped on the spending for the project, notably from the legend Fela Kuti, but more on that shortly.

Who came through?

Before we check out the attendees, have a gander at the FESTAC National Participation Committee members. It included top shots like Hubert Ogunde, writer Wole Soyinka and filmmaker Ola Balogun. Fela was originally a member of the team, but strongly declined to continue being after what he perceived to be the misdirection of the program.

The committee was chaired by a military leader as opposed to an artist or intellectual and spending was spurious. He went on to rage against the festival and the Nigerian government during performances at his shrine, much to the chagrin and retaliation of the government.

Soyinka and Balogun also resigned from the committee.

Opening Day.

FESTAC’s opening ceremony was held in the National Stadium, right after a Parade of Nations before an audience of over 60,000 spectators.

The Guestlist.

Within the 17,000 or so guests that came through, notable amongst them were Stevie Wonder, Sun Ra Osibisa, Hugh Masekela, Gilberto Gil and Caetano Veloso and Francois Lougah. It’s important to note that while FESTAC was the main attraction, the notable figures made it a daily habit to visit the Fela Shrine as some form of alternative, authentic entertainment.

Perhaps in retaliation for stealing their shine, the government raided the shrine one week after FESTAC was completed.

FESTAC for all its shortcomings, did a world of good to African identity and brotherhood. So, of course, we never got a Part 2. Shame.

But if we’re really apportioning shame, a lot of it should go to the British who refused to transfer the sculpture of Idia, a 16th-century ivory sculpture depicting the Queen Mother of the Benin Empire. Even after Nigeria offered to buy it back for $3 million. We had to use a fake!

They claimed it was ‘too fragile’ to withstand air travel. The audacity of these ytes.

A follow up to FESTAC 1977 was to happen in 1981, but we know how that turned out. Again, shame.

Try taking this quiz to see how much FESTAC trivia you remember. No cheating!

Glory, Glory, you got a job and escaped the terror that is roaming the streets of the Nigerian Labour market, CV and a half-assed cover letter in tow.

But what was that?

Getting the job was only the beginning of the horrors and actually having to live through the job was way worse?

We asked 4 Nigerians their worst experiences working for Nigerian companies and their responses. Oh boy :

Olatunji – May or may not have been a slave.

When I was fresh out of secondary school, I was very eager to work, don’t ask me why, activity was just sweeting my body. So I found a job or well, let’s call it a job at one of the schools close to home.

My PTSD won’t let me get too into it, but let me just say I was a teacher who was collecting a ₦ 5,000 monthly salary in 2013 all to get to work at 7:15 AM and leave at past 5 PM when parents had come to collect their wards.
See, I swept classes, I mopped floors, I cleaned windows and my boss – the headmistress made a point of reminding me I was duty boud to carry these out.

One time, my boss made me go to her mother’s house to spray sniper (without any protective gear!) and soak her curtains. Another time, she asked her husband (who stuck around the school to help) to give me an envelope containing my ₦ 5,000 salary. Only it was incomplete.
Apparently, he had taken ‘a loan’ from me and didn’t feel the need to tell me until I spoke to his wife about it.

See, remembering this is getting me upset. Please respect my privacy during this tough period.

Ngozika – more or less worked in a secondary school.

I worked in one of the really big companies in Nigeria. Trust me, you know the name. When I first started work there, I was excited. I mean this was a great opportunity for me to learn and earn some money at the same time. Abi isn’t that what regular jobs are supposed to so? Hmm, brethren…

You know how when your parents wanted you to act right when you were younger, they’d treat your sibling a little better? Yeah, imagine that kind of setting in the workplace. The superiors acted like they were Vice-Principals in a secondary school and the junior staff were JSS3 students.
There was a ton of backbiting. There were very, very strict start times, if you defaulted by even a minute you could be penalised.
If the bosses felt like it, you’d work overtime. I’m saying from 9 AM- 9 PM without any prior information and without any extra pay. It was hell, I’m so happy I left.

Ebuka – just wanted his bank to do better.

I worked at one of those banks, and I won’t name any names but they just sacked a ton of people in the new year, so you already know.
Weekends? What are those. They’d make us do ATM duty and pay us ₦3,000 daily for taking our entire weekend away. Essentially making us work 7 days a week.
I’ve heard of the myth of a 9 – 5, but in that bank? Mba, no. 7 till mama calls, and this is no joke. My mom used to call all the time asking where I was. Worse still was that there was no promotion structure. You could start as a bank teller and work there for 5 years until they got tired and hired someone else for even cheaper, and the whole cycle would begin again. I’m so grateful I can work as an entrepreneur now.

Toba still needs his coins.

Lagos State where is my NYSC money? For my service year, I worked in a ministry of the government and I’ll be honest, I barely did anything. I can’t even complain. But if that’s why Lagos State thinks they won’t pay me my money, please tell them to sack like half of their workers oh. Somebody please @ambode, it’s his tight shirt I’ll hold for this money.

Nigeria is one of those countries where once anything goes up, it is never coming back down again.

Fuel prices, POS charges and my shoulders, now that I’ve learnt to do the tesumole dance (speak to my manager before you breathe around me, okay?)

So when news dropped that Nigerian companies which usually have had to pay 30% of their turnover as Companies Income Tax ⁠— an amount which can I just say, is dangerously close to 50 % …

Anyway, when news dropped that small companies would no longer have to shell out almost half of their turn over on Companies Income Tax, it was definitely something to wonder at. According to the Finance Bill of 2019, businesses with less than ₦ 25 million turnover will be exempted from paying CIT.

And we’re not making this up either. The Minister of Finance, Budget and National Planning – Zainab Ahmed confirmed it.

So here’s what you need to know:

• Turnover refers to the value of sales a business makes during a year and should not be confused with profit. Profit refers to a companies’ earnings after expenses have been taking out of sales earnings. Major key.
• Once the Finance Bill of 2019 is signed into law, companies that make a turnover of less than ₦ 25m will no longer be required to pay Companies Income Tax.
• Companies with a turnover of between ₦ 25m and ₦ 100 m however, will have to cough up 20% as CIT. A reduction from the prior 30%
• Companies earning over ₦ 100m will continue to pay 30% of their turnover as CIT because they are bigger boys and can afford to do so to a degree.

This move is to ensure that small businesses will be able to do more since they won’t have to lose sleep over the payment of Companies Income Taxes.

Don’t you just love this renewed ginger of the government towards businesses. Whoever is responsible for putting us on that Ease of Doing Business list, you try!

Now, we don’t know for sure when this bill will come into law, but if we’re to believe the Finance Minister, the National Assembly has already forwarded the bill to the president for assent, who in turn has sent a copy to the Ministries, Departments and Agencies to cross-check.

Less money to pay on tax, less problems. Amirite?

The Nigerian new year always begins with the same things: a cross over service to start the next 12 months right. A minimum of 15 resolutions for how the new year would be the healthiest, wealthiest yet. And our favourite ⁠— a number of very predictable predictions for the new year. Like that one time TB Joshua predicted Hillary Clinton would win the US elections in 2016.

Toeing the line of some of your faves, we decided a healthy dose of very real, not generic 2020 predictions, courtesy our crystal ball, to be just what the doctor ordered this fine day. Here’s our stab at it:

Nigerian politics and life.

In 2020, Elisha Abbo is going to win the: “I’m Trying To Get People To Forget I Hit A Woman In A Store In Abuja In 2019, So I Sponsored And Won This Award” Award.

And he’ll win it too.

Nigeria will be hit with many natural disasters.

And our natural disasters go by: ‘Excellency’, ‘Senator’, ‘Minister’ etc, but disasters they will be.

In a never before seen turn of events, Nigerians will face a number of hardships – traffic, flooding, kidnappings, police harassment, etc.

Even worse, very little will be done to prevent these. Much surprise.

More Nigerian life.

We predict that by January 17th, your “new year, new me” plans would have entered a gutter on a side street.

Don’t blame us, blame our crystal ball.

We have also seen that between the months of June, July, August, September maybe October too, there will be rain.

Somebody please tell the government, they seem to not know this happens every year and never take any flooding/traffic preventative measures.

Hmm. We tried to ask our crystal ball if this would be the year you found love and it turned black.

Not sure what this means, but hope you’ve booked your solo trip for Valentine’s Day?

Nigerian music.

2020 will be the year of beef.

M.I Vs Wizkid: The Little Wars. 2Face V 2 Baba: The face-off.

This will also be the year of the complicated dance step.

And you thought tesumole was hard. We’re predicting a dance that is exclusively 3 minutes of frog jump, a one-minute plank and 30 squats in quick succession. Pepper them!

Other stuff.

Surprise! A new iPhone will be released in 2020.

Who would have guessed? Our crystal ball just informed us the iPhone 11s or 12 will come out. There’s harmattan, so the fog didn’t let us see it clearly. Keep this news to yourself, okay?

2020 will be the year this pose dies by fire.

Amen and amen.

And that pose women do with the downward gaze and hand on hip. You know the one.

Dun do it again, okay?

What are your predictions for the new year?

Twenty minutes before hopping on this Abroad Life interview, I knew Liberia was in West Africa, was aware George Weah was president and was also certain the nation’s capital was Freetown (Liberia, liberty, Freetown, it made sense in my head). Thankfully Google did a hard reset on that very wrong piece of knowledge (it’s actually Monrovia) and I learnt a little bit more along the way. Who better to show off my new knowledge with, than today’s subject – Edet, who spent eleven years in Liberia and is currently working towards a degree in China.

You don’t know what you’ve entered with this interview. Tear out a sheet of paper. What is the capital of Liberia? Who is the current president and what language is spoken the most in the country?

An ambush! Well, Monrovia is the city capital. George Weah is the current president and the most commonly spoken language is Koloqua. Just think broken English.

Okay, you try small. Can you speak Koloqua and are there any other native Liberian languages you can speak?

You know, I actually can’t speak any other language and even Koloqua — I struggle with it a little bit. They keep adding more and more words to it, a girl is confused!

Is that a fact? Okay tell me something in Koloqua.

Let’s see. Liberia jollof ress swee pass Nigeria own. Hehe.

Wait, I understand that! Blasphemy!! Well since you’ve brought Nigeria into this matter, when was the last time you visited?

So here’s the thing. My dad is Nigerian, from Akwa Ibom and my mom is Liberian. But other than that —

Okay great. I need you help me translate something in your language  — “Nigerian Jollof is infinitely superior to whatever y’all Niggas have in Liberia.  Equally divine is the culinary masterpiece – semo and efo-riro which surprisingly doesn’t get the love it deserves. Boyin out!”

Well about that. I haven’t had too much to do in the country. I visited just once when I was a lot younger and that’s been it really. The most Nigerian thing about me is my name – Edet, everyone calls me Eno in Liberia.

Nevermind. Points have been made. Facts have been spoken. So your name must stick out in Liberia. How do they feel about Nigerians over there.

Oh you know, they love them. They don’t trust them.

Wait what?

It’s just this thing and it’s one of the reasons I love Liberia so much, they are incredibly loving and incredibly accommodating. So by default, they welcome Nigerians, they love them. But when it comes to business, it’s a different matter, they just do not trust Nigerians enough to want to deal with them. I’ve never really understood why.

Hm. When will our good reputation from war? So do you have dual citizenship in Liberia and Nigeria then?

No, just Liberia. Even though I’ve been in and out of the country for eleven years. I actually schooled in Ghana from Primary 3 to JSS 1 and then started JSS 3 in Guinea. Most of my memories of that time are tied around school.

Oh wow. Look at you crossing borders and visiting West African countries before puberty even hit, and I haven’t even used style to enter Togo. Must be nice.

Haha. My family moved around a bit, but yeah, it was nice. I mean, minus all the flogging in school. 

You can’t see me, but I’m raising my fist in solidarity.

Haha. Well, I particularly remember Ghana being a very solid foundation for my schooling. It was a great and easy environment to grow up in, Guinea not so much.

This tea? Give me to drink it right now.

Haha. It wasn’t anything serious. Just, the native languages in Guinea are French, Susu, Fula or Mandigo. Guess which one of them I could speak.

French maybe?

If only. I couldn’t speak a single language there so it was quite tough in the beginning. I attended a Sierra Leonian school in Guinea, and because the country is French-speaking, my school usually had students take national examinations in Sierra Leone. But I wasn’t used to their curriculum yet. When it was time to write the JSS 3 examinations, it was decided I had to take the Basic Education Certificate Examination (BECE), which is like taking common entrance in JSS 3.

Shet men.

Shet indeed. My mom threw a fuss at first, but eventually, I took the exam. Now you didn’t hear this from me, but if I had to pick between Ghana and Guinea, Ghana wins easily, only thing is, Guinea is cheaper.

🤐 Who would I tell? Now all this talk about West Africa is reminding me about Jollof Road … You did follow Jollof Road, yes?

I mean a little… well …

Tear another sheet of paper. Who was the white man Monrovia was named after?

Chey. Interview not BECE, please, please.

Haha. Only cause I’m nice, but make sure to go binge on jollofroad.com after this interview.

To very serious issues, Liberia is a country that has been ravaged by a civil war and more recently, ebola. On the civil war, has it affected how citizens relate with each other?

The war is still very fresh in people’s minds, especially now that there is some tension in the country. It’s surprising because, even though so many lives and so much evil happened during that period, there’s no holiday, hardly any commemorative events to mark it. It’s actually quite sad, it just festers.

Terrible. And ebola? How did you survive the worst of it?

I’ll be honest, it was an incredibly traumatising period in my life. I lost people close to me – a very close friend from work. People who lived life in close proximity to me –  someone who worked in the same building as my office. You can’t imagine the horror.

Christ.

Right before their passings, I had interacted with the both of them, but never close enough to touch or to get infected with the virus. During the ebola scare, it was almost easy to forget what human touch felt like. I never really touched people during that period and no one could take it personally, everyone was aware of the dos and don’ts of the crisis.

With everyone being scared to touch and interact, were there any social activities?

From where I was standing, there weren’t any. Everyone stayed home during the day, schools were closed. And even if there were usual late activities, my mom never allowed me go out at night, so going out wasn’t even an option to begin with. 

My social quota was filled with volunteering at a great non-profit to bring awareness to the virus in neighbouring communities. 

Oh wow. And how was life after Liberia was declared virus-free?

It was great, everyone was so relieved, but there was still a lot of hesitation. Social activities were still pegged, we still had directives to observe all the safety measures of the crisis and things stayed that way for around six months after the country was declared virus-free. Tests were still being carried out to confirm the country was truly ebola free during that period.

Can’t be too careful.

Exactly. You’ll still find hand sanitizers outside buildings even now. There are still screenings at the airport, you’ll still get your temperature checked, you’re still required to wash your hands before entering the airport. None of that has changed.

Got it. And politically? How’s the country holding up?

Well, it’s the typical African country politically. It’s lacking. We had Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the people wanted change and a young person came. George Weah came, promised that change was imminent and yet nothing happened. Do you know how it feels to have change promised, only to be disappointed over and over again?

I might have an idea. *Stares directly into camera*

Funny, I wasn’t too disappointed. Two years into his tenure and I almost expected his under-performance. He was formerly in the senate and his impact wasn’t profound, so it was just a foreshadowing of his presidency really. Things are even worse now. Every time I call my mom back in Liberia, it’s one complaint after the other about the country. Protests like we’ve never had in Liberia are happening now, everyone just feels like the government has failed.

Did the government have anything to do with you moving to China?

Not really. I moved to China simply for school. I’m getting a Masters.

Oh word. How easy was it getting a Chinese visa from Liberia?

It was so easy getting it here. So I have a number of Nigerian friends and they were telling me how hard it is getting one from over there. But mine took maybe five days to come together. Once you have a good reason, mine was education, that’s enough.

A thousand Nigerians just googled flight ticket prices to Liberia. But speaking of China, why did I have to download WeChat before this interview could happen?

About that. I don’t think any social media platforms, that’s WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter, etc works without using a VPN over here. They’re kind of deliberate with shutting themselves from the rest of the world. You can’t even Google anything here. They just want to have control over how information is passed. In my understanding.

Hm. That’s interesting. What’s are three things the Chinese do that would have any West African doing the sign of the cross?

Well, when you put it like that. There’s hardly any religion over here. They are full-on atheists. And this leads to the second thing, which is that the government tells the people what to do, supposedly in their best interest and the people follow it.

That’s Interesting Part 2.

Lastly, they don’t practice a democracy here. It’s more complicated and very different from what African countries say they practice.

Got it. This is random, when was the last time you held money in China?

I’ve been here since June 2019 and I can count how many times I’ve had to physically handle money. Remember WeChat? Well, that’s pretty much the way the money works here and also how the government tries to control the economy. Once money is deposited to your bank account and the money in your account is linked to your WeChat, your phone essentially becomes your money.

Oh yeah?

You can scan a QR code with the app at a store to pay for your purchases. You can send money instantly, you can borrow and pay it back from WeCaht. You can pay your fees through WeChat, anything really. You never have to worry about carrying any cash around, just have your phone charged.

One acronym, two words. NEPA. Network failure. Must be nice anyway. What are the hardest parts about living in China?

Food! I have no issues with Chinese food and I respect people who eat it, but it’s not for me. To get African food, I have to order online or go to a restaurant and it’s not very ideal.

Sigh, Where’s Nigerian Jollof when you need it?

Haha. That and the language barrier. It even linked to my food issue. One night I was returning from a trip to another city and I was hungry. My phone battery was low and I had no cash on me but I wanted to go to a restaurant. The taxi I was in heard my destination wrongly and was taking me to some other place. 1 AM, no phone, no cash, headed to the wrong direction. Luckily, I saw a Congolese man coming out of a store in front of us, I literally shouted and he came. I explained to him what happened, he was gracious enough to pay the driver for me and to let me charge my phone in the store.

That’s too kind. Are there many black people in China?

Not at all. I mean, my class in university is full of them, I’m in an international college that teaches in English, so that’s a good thing. But everywhere else, zero. The Chinese are constantly asking me for a picture or being hostile or trying to touch my hair. It gets beyond annoying. Funny thing is, a lot of the time I’m wearing braids and extensions made in China and here I am, with Chinese people shocked at the appearance of it.  I am constantly fending them off.

What? I am so sorry, can’t even imagine that. What else sucks in the country? Let’s drag them.

Hm. Not that much, I’ll be honest. Their transport is so efficient, I can’t even get into it. It’s not a bad place to live. I’ll admit that.

And the social life?

Well, I’m on campus, so I get to hang with friends a lot. We’re constantly visiting cities. That’s one thing about the Chinese, they travel a lot. The train stations are always full, people just ready to explore. There’s a nightlife too and these people drink beer. A ton of it, almost a worrying amount.

Jaiye X 2. Would you live there though?

I mean, getting a place to live and work after school shouldn’t be too hard. All I need is a valid visa and a resident permit. But no, Liberia is my first love, I’ll always go back.

Great. How do you say “God has delivered me from this long interview” in Chinese?

Haha. Ask back in a couple of months after I’ve taken more  Chinese classes.

About Eno.

Eno Inwang is a Co-Founder of Lift Initiative. She holds a BA in Sociology from the United Methodist University.

She served as the head of the Liberian delegate to the 2016 Study of the U.S Institute for Women’s Leadership (SUSI) at the University of Delaware in Newark, Delaware where she obtains a certificate in Women’s Leadership. She also holds a certificate in Campaign Planning and Leadership form the Young Political Leadership School in Monrovia.
She is very passionate about issues that affect women and girls. She also passionate about early childhood education and development, national leadership and sustainable peace. She has over seven years of volunteer experience working with various advocacy issues including peace and security, education, as well as issues among and out of school youth.

Eno is looking forward to the establishment of a vibrant network of young women leaders from around the world, especially young women who are championing the cause for promoting development. She has dedicated her time working with less fortunate children in slum communities and diverse populations.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.

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Have you ever been stuck in a relationship with a person you loved or at least believed in, and they just never passed up a chance to show that they did not give one crumb about your existence?

Birthdays – maybe a flash. Valentine’s Day – radio silence. Anniversaries – LOL.

If you can relate to this, then maybe you can get a tiny sense of the hell Nigerians have been through in the hands of the government, this blessed year.

To prove we aren’t just making things up, here are ten times the government showed how little they rated the citizens of this country in the year, 2019.

Adewura Bello.

In May 2019, Adewura Bello tragically lost her life when, in the peak of the rainy season (which the government never fails to be unprepared for) — she fell down an uncovered manhole.

Manhole theft has been a danger to motorists and pedestrians alike for years and years. Perhaps as a late reaction to her passing, the government declared in September, that it would begin using manhole covers made from heavier materials. These covers would require machines for removal. Solid plan, no? Only, this same promise was made in January 2018 and yet, manholes remain literal deathtraps. Tragic.

Increased kidnappings.

Nigeria is currently in the throes of a kidnapping crisis and absolutely no one is safe. Where previously, kidnap victims were largely restricted to oil workers who could afford the ransom payment; the new crop of victims range anywhere from high-income earners to everyday people on the street. In the first quarter of 2019, at least 685 kidnappings occurred nationwide.

Gee, wonder if this increase has anything to do with Nigeria being the poverty capital of the world with a rapidly increasing unemployment rate. Hmm.

Abuja police raids.

In April 2019, men of the Nigerian Police Force and officials of the Abuja Environmental Protection Board (agencies of the government) thought it’d be a wise idea to arrest unsuspecting women simply existing in clubs, strolling by roadsides, some even just walking to their cars ⁠— and subject them to arrest and other inhumane treatment which sometimes involved rape.

The border closure.

Your favourite government in this same 2019, thought it’d be fantastic to close its land borders without fair warning to the people who eke out a living from trading along the routes. Much caring. Super nice.

Keke Napep ban in Abuja.

In November 2019, the Federal Capital Territory Administration began arresting Keke Napep riders who failed to comply with their ban on major roads. The ban would restrict 40,000 drivers to the villages and estates in Abuja taking a big bite out of their daily earnings.

Did the government think to plot out alternative sources of income for the drivers? Nope, super caring. Crazy nice.

Traffic is still off the hook.

Which means we still majorly depend on road for our transport which means alternative means of transport have yet to be developed which means the government doesn’t really care about us.

The hate speech bill.

We’re living in a country with a National Assembly that thinks a super vague Hate Speech bill in the midst of a security, health, economic, education and just about every sector of this country would be a good idea.

Even worse, this bill would have demanded the death penalty for citizens who went against it. That’s been scrapped now, but still!

The social media bill.

Clearly someone/everyone in government intends to continue doing a piss-poor job at their roles and will go through any means to prevent complaints. It is why the equally vague social media pill is currently leaping through readings at the Senate and may eventually pass. Which way Nigeria?

Increased levies.

Increased VAT, ₦ 50 POS Charges, charges on withdrawals and deposits of ₦ 500,000, do we need to remind this government that the majority of its citizens are in fact, broke?

Moradeun Balogun.

Moradeun lost her life in one of the most traumatising indicators of the government’s nonchalance. On December 3rd, Moradeun became a victim of the insecurity that is now rife in the country, when she was heartbreakingly stabbed on her return from work. Even worse, the broken healthcare system in this country, which ridiculously requires a police report in the event that a victim is maimed in a robbery attack, saw to it that she was not attended to, when urgent care may have been the difference between her life and death.

Man, things happened in Nigeria this year of our Lord, 2019. Pastors turned auditoriums to makeshift UFC fighting rings and the first lady wants you all to know about her lack of table talk.

(Here’s proof of the UFC thing btw)

But that’s the small stuff, here are 10 reasons we will be needing the Nigerian government to fund nationwide therapy:

Dino Melaye telling us what goes down in the other room.

Senator, songwriter, Instagram queen and apparent stud. Is there nothing he can’t do?

Abacha still making it rain in 2019.

General Sani Abacha has been dead since 1998. How is it 2019 and our guy is still making Nigeria’s phone vibrate with recovered loot credit alerts?

And speaking of recovered Abacha loot, who were the ‘poor’ people that received it?

We need an answer and we need it yesterday!

2 irritating names, one irritating person: Elisha Abbo.

This man is still in the senate and still supporting hateful social media bills. What gives?

The Chief Justice of Nigeria getting sacked weeks before the elections.

Our guy was suspended (read removed) from his post without a 2/3 majority of the Senate, without contravening the Codes of Conduct and while being of sound mind and body. Make it make sense.

Ganduje getting re-elected.

The Kano State governor was caught on camera stuffing dollars into his babariga. His deputy governor was arrested during the collation of election results for attempting to disrupt the count. How are we still referring to him as ‘Your Excellency’ again?

Ganduje creating four additional emirates in Kano State.

For no real reason except supreme pettiness against the Emir of Kano – Sanusi Lamido, his excellency got the National Assembly of Kano State to pass a bill creating four additional emirates in the state. Wonderful.

The Minister of Interior admitting he had no idea what he was getting into.

He said and I quote about his job as Minister of Interior “My relationship with the ministry is distant. What I know about the ministry is what I read in the newspapers.” Confidence on 100!

The border closure.

Anybody have some of that imported rice crack?

Sowore re-arrest.

Re-watching this video and it is still hard to believe this happened in a democracy in 2019.

What were your unbelievable moments of 2019?

Existing as a Nigerian in Nigeria requires the acceptance that we are all living on a prayer in a country currently condemned to hell.
The police is everything but your friend. Your continued health could quite literally, be in your hands and those of kind strangers on the internet with banking apps. Your business is one government regulation away from being shut down. Your most basic rights are 100% negotiable. Court orders are for suckers. This government makes sure of it.

It is why in a ‘democracy’, Nigeria can have something as hateful as a hate speech bill. A proposed legislation as misanthropic as a social media bill and why, with a SAN as vice-president, this government can support the continued detention of a citizen – Omoyele Sowore, in spite of court orders mandating his release. 

It is why on December 6th, the SSS, a government security agency operating within this administration, could break the very laws establishing it — using force to interfere with the execution of judicial powers. 

Even for the most complacent Nigerians, this was one step too far. We all got our twitter fingers up, lent our voices out and loudly decried it.

But with the onslaught of egg kebabs, Waakye sponsored diarrhoea and riveting Instagram inquiries into sources of wealth — this gross infringement of human rights was on the path to be forgotten in the annals of Nigerian memory. Then The PUNCH did a thing. 

While our fingers were getting tired, The PUNCH balled its many publications (including its famed daily paper) into a fist and gave the Nigerian government a much-needed jab of the truth. Rather than resorting to name-calling or euphemisms like most Nigerians would, it kept things simple, labelling this administration for what it really is ⁠— a dictatorship.

They drew lines between the 1984 and 2019 regimes of Muhammadu Buhari.

They made links between the presidency and state government’s use of security agents for tyrannical purposes.

They even left a lifeline for the President to amend his ways.

You can read the full article here.

To say this move is ballsy is putting things mildly. This is a country where the SA to the president is trying to make fantasy the alternate opium to the masses. Just look at this:

Beyond affecting their bottom line, a factor enough to sway anyone’s idea of right and wrong ⁠— this move could very easily put an end to The PUNCH as a business entirely.

We can’t thank The PUNCH enough for throwing their neck out for a country whose deservedness of sacrifice is still in debate. To support the PUNCH, read their articles, click on Google Ads in their online media and share their stories.

Now is the moment to make your SS1 government teacher proud!

For all the tweens who had no idea 2baba was once 2face and in a three-man musical group, the subject of today’s article — Orji Uzor Kalu was Governor of Abia State between 1999 and 2007.

If we’re to believe the EFCC (and there’s no reason not to) within that period, Orji Kalu did what many a hot-blooded, greedy Nigerian governor has done in the past and made an Instagram flex, savings, pension and emergency fund of the Abia State government treasury.

Orji Kalu, Slok Nigeria Limited (a company owned by Kalu) and Udeh Udeogu, a former director of finance and accounts in Abia were accused of diverting ₦ 7.65 billion from the purse of the state government.

Kalu was also accused of illegally taking ₦ 460 million from Abia’s treasury. It took the EFCC 12 years to convict him.

In that time, Orji Uzor Kalu, a man everyone knew to have a criminal case with the EFCC, went on to contest the Abia North Senate Seat in 2011. He lost.

Between 2016 and 2019, while this man still had a case with the EFCC, he was out and about switching parties and campaigning for the future second-term presidency of Muhammadu Buhari. Look how happy they look here:

Now remember kids, don’t let something small like a corruption case the size of a small country, stop you from pursuing your dreams. Orji Kalu didn’t, and in 2019, he was rewarded for his persistence with the Senate seat for Abia North. He was even appointed Chief Whip by the All Progressives Congress.

I said, this man with a ₦ 7.6 billion corruption case with the EFCC was contesting and winning elections and campaigning for the presidency with – 0 fucks to give.

Anyway, after years of dodging court appearances and flouting bail conditions that mandated he not travel, a federal High Court in Lagos State, presided by Mohammad Idris sentenced the former governor to 12 years in prison. Victory against corruption right? Guess again.

Without a doubt, Senator Kalu will appeal the court’s decision and for however long it takes to reach a final judgement on the matter, he will receive all salaries and entitlements as prescribed by the Senate, the Senate President – Ahmed Lawan actually said so. His seat will also not be made vacant. Who’s winning this corruption war again?

Another day, another chance to catch up with Nigerians who aren’t under a president whose real-life nickname is ‘Daddy Bubu’. Today, we’re hanging with Gracemeda (@trussmidaddy on Twitter) who lives and works in Ontario, Canada. She talks about the very real challenges of moving to Ontario from University, Canadian niceness and Nigerian men.

So Miss *checks notes* Trussmidaddy? Give me three hundred reasons in Canadian Dollars, why I shouldn’t send your username to your favourite aunt right now!

Hahaa. How now?!!

I kid, I kid 🌚. Now speaking about family, do you have any with you over there?

I do have family actually! But family in the, all your mom’s friends from NYSC sense. So while I don’t have family in the nuclear sense of the word, I am surrounded by quite a lot of family.

Got it. So I’m going to play a little game, tell me how long you’ve lived in Canada and I’ll use that, plus pictures to guess how old you are.

Well, I moved to Canada about five years ago. That was when I —

What? You moved when you were 12? 

Crying! As if! I was actually 17 when I made the move to Canada. I was still in my second year in the American University of Nigeria when boom,  I made the move to Canada. It was actually like film trick.

I don’t think there are many Nigerians in Canada that would describe their two-time Canadian visa denials with ‘boom’ and ‘film trick’. Give us this tea.

Well, like I said, I was still in uni when out of the blue one day, my dad called to ask if my passport was still valid. At the time it wasn’t, so I went to renew it and told him like the good child I am. What I didn’t know was that he had applied for a Canadian permanent residency for me. Another day he called me to tell me he had gotten me a Canadian visa and I was to leave school.

Wait. These are the kinds of surprises your dad gives you? Is there room for one more pikin perchance?

Haha. It is oh. He had discussed the move with my mother, and pretty much everyone but me. The plan was for me to leave school in the first semester of my second year, but I eventually finished both semesters before leaving.

So how does a 17-year-old inform friends and family that she’s moving countries? Did you create a group chat, send a BC to your friends and then exit the group? Did you have a going-away party? Spill!

Funny thing is. When I was leaving for Canada, I genuinely thought I’d do a couple years in school, graduate and return to Nigeria to continue turning garri in my father’s house or whatever. So that was the energy I and all of my friends carried when I was leaving, there was no need for a big blow out to mark leaving the country. But then, I had my PR, I could work here, it started to look like there was no real rush to return to Nigeria. 

Hm. They used 24-hours light and a fine Prime Minister to confuse my good sis.

Haha, please don’t kill me! The funny thing about this is, I’ve always felt like I’m being held hostage in this country with its better standard of living and constant light and promise of a better life.

Pahdin?

Okay, let me explain. I was 17 when I moved here and contrary to the dream everyone has about moving to Canada, I was just honestly and truly miserable. I mean, even though this wasn’t my first time away from home — I had attended boarding school and my university was in a different state. The loneliness just hits different when you’re in a whole other continent, living alone. It was hard as fuck adjusting to a new life in the beginning. I just wanted to be with my family and friends.

Oh wow. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hype of moving abroad, it’s just as easy to forget you really are moving abroad, away from everything familiar you’ve ever known. So sorry you went through that.

Yeah, it was pretty tough. I did fall into a depression for a little bit, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t really decide on remaining in Canada until this year, five years after I made the move.

Completely understandable.

But thankfully, my best friend, who also attended ABTI (American University of Nigeria) with me, moved to Canada and also made it to York University. Slowly and surely, things started looking better and Canada finally started to feel like home.

Yay to work-in-progress, happy endings. Now speaking of university, how frustrating was it though, having to switch schools right after you were making some headway in University in Nigeria?

Funny you should ask that. It really wasn’t. I think some Universities in Nigeria might have this option, but because I attended ABTI and it had some connections with York University where I eventually attended. I was able to transfer most of my credits. So rather than having to start from scratch, I was able to continue from my second year and I just made up the credits I couldn’t transfer.  

That is so great!

It was, especially because I was able to switch courses from environmental science to something I really wanted to do, which was psychology and still continue from my second year. The only thing is, it took me a while to get into the right mindset for school because I was just so depressed. Thankfully, I was able to eventually adjust.

I really did a wiper here when you said you eventually adjusted. 

Haha. I mean, it was challenging, but hey! Now I have a whole tribe here, so it’s great.

Whoop! Now think fast! ABTI and York University get into a school fight, who’s winning?

Oh, York easily. I mean, ABTI had smaller classes, but somehow York had better teachers, better learning materials. It was just better really.

Oop. Let’s hide this from Atiku.

Now, for a sustained baby girl glow, what’s the process for working and getting continuous dollars through a permanent residency?

Hmm, there’s no real process. The only thing is, with a Permanent Residency visa, I didn’t have to apply for a work permit which is something you’d have to do with a student or a temporary visa.

Got it! So what do you do?

I work as an ABA therapist.

Now, before I do a very Nigerian thing and ask for a discount without even knowing what ABA therapy is, what does it entail?

Hahaa. Well, first off, ABA means Applied Behaviour Analysis. As an ABA therapist, I work with autistic children and I teach them skills. Everything from behavioural to social skills. Sometimes the children are non-verbal, so we just try to reinforce positive attitudes and try to minimize any negativity the child can be prone to expressing.

That’s fantastic! Do you know if this sort of therapy is present in Nigeria?

I’ll be honest oh. I’m not too sure, but I’ve seen first hand that special needs are catered to in Nigeria. So I grew up in Calabar and I live there when I’m not in Canada. My primary school had provisions for children with special needs and mental challenges, so the children never went without.

Impressive! Now let’s talk about regular life in Ontario. There’s this stereotype that Canadians are the nicest people, I don’t buy it. Am I just being a hater?

Hmm, you might be oh.

Wow, so #

No seriously, I’ve had so many kind encounters with Canadians, I can’t even start to remember most of them.

Oh so this one time, I had just started schooling at York University and was living in student accommodation. You can imagine how that goes – loud music at 1 AM, people laughing in the streets etc. Well, this one day, it was around 2 AM and this group of people were making the loudest noise outside our rooms. Next thing, I just heard someone shout: “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK up?!’ at the guys outside. You know they actually did shut up and the guy said ‘thank you’ right after. It was the most Canadian thing.

Oh these Canadians are … different.

Look! And then there was this other really sweet day. I was out and it was one of those really cold days that starts off looking normal, so I wasn’t dressed to give the cold a little gbas-gbos. It was actually almost funny, I was at the side of a street, just shivering and wondering who sent me message when some lady came over and gave me a spare hairnet to put over my shoes so I’d be able to walk over the ice. Then some guy came over to offer me cigarettes to stay warm. I don’t smoke, so I didn’t collect it, but it was so sweet though.

Aww. These people are nice oh. Now to spoil this rep. Let’s even the scales a little, can you remember anytime a Canadian was particularly mean to you?

See, I worked retail for two years and after that, I worked customer service for another two years. I.have.seen.things. These people can get nasty. I can’t really think of anything right now, maybe it’s PTSD, but I had my fair share of ‘you’re pretty for a black girl’ and other really dumb sounding things like that.

So, so sorry you had to go through that.  It’s almost enough to discourage anyone from moving to Canada, but in reality, some people are probably reading this article with a pen, paper and anointing oil on their foreheads. Now for people looking to move to Ontario, Canada what are some things they should know about life in Canada. 

Let’s see. Rent! Yo, rent is so expensive here. When I moved out of student accommodation to get a place of my own with friends, the prices were giving me, what do they call it? Chest pain.

Oh dear!

You can get a place for about 1500 CAD a month which can be almost half of your monthly paycheck. I currently share an apartment with two other people and we pay 850 CAD a month and when we tell people it sounds like we hit the lottery. And we did actually, other prices are just crazy.

Oh?

And if that isn’t enough, taxes are waiting to take whatever is left. It is actually ridiculous. But let me move from all the negatives. For anyone who moves to Ontario, I know where you can get the best jollof rice in the whole province.

Drop that name it like it’s hot!

Afro Spice! See, in my life I haven’t had jollof rice that sweet, It is so good, 10/10 would highly recommend.

Now speaking of moving to Ontario, is deportation as widespread in Canada as it is in other countries like say The US and The UK?

Not at all. I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone being deported in Canada and I’m around a lot of Nigerians, so you already know that kind of news would spread anyhow. The only thing anyone can really get deported for is crime, and well, that’s because it’s crime. Other than that, you’re good.

If you needed the 4000th reason to move to Canada, dazzit. Let’s talk social life. Nigeria V Canada, who’s winning on a Friday night out?

Okay, I’ll be honest here. I am the biggest homebody, going out isn’t my thing at all. Back home in Calabar, I was hardly into the going out and clubbing scene and I’ve brought that behaviour here as well. But, I will say this. There is always a party in Ontario. Some friends want to hang, some Nigerian or Caribbean is throwing a party, some house party is popping, there’s always something. I go out like once every three months, that’s when I get to see all of this.

I hear you, lazy social butterflies unite! Now, for those of us that do usually lonely, what are the best places to meet significant others in Ontario?

Sis, I’m going to tell anybody to go electronic. Twitter is where it’s at. The coolest Nigerians in Canada are on it, and you’ll get a chance to read their tweets and gauge if they have sense beforehand. Again, 10/10 I’d recommend.

Got it.  Taking things a step further for my sisters in the Single Army, Three Years Plus regiment. Nigerian men V Canadian men V Nigerian men in Canada. Who’s winning?

Nigerian men in Canada, no doubt. Now Nigerian men in Nigeria are just another breed, we all know. But for these Nigerian men living in Canada, there’s just something about the breeze of international exposure, doesn’t mean they’ll have sense oh. But there’s a little sophistication in the mix, if you can call it that.

Say no more! Nigerian men in Canada for the win. Random, but what’s the best city to live in Canada, and do you plan to ever live there?

Definitely Ontario, which thankfully is where I live. It has everything, it’s a trip.

You have all the luck! So five years from now, where can daddy be trussin you to be?
Hmm, probably doing more of what I love, more work with ABA therapy. But who really knows?

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.

Nobody sent us work, but we took it upon ourselves to be the unofficial mouthpieces of the Nigerian people.

Truth be told, we’re using you people to hide, these questions have been in our church minds since so we’ll be needing some answers real quick:

When are you people going to increase the fuel prices, let’s ready our minds

Scratch that, when is the fuel scarcity going to start before we have to worry about the fuel prices?

This one is for the NLC. When should we start expecting ‘no going back on strike’? December 25th or 26th, let’s know how we’ll plan our church vigils this year, plis dear.

So, are you saying this might be the last year I can tweet ‘Buhari unhand my Christmas chicken’ before getting thrown in jail for it?

Meanwhile, how far that ₦30,000 minimum wage? 2020 has reached oh.

Speaking of the new year, that vision 2020 they were shouting that year, is it the same 2020 that is in a few weeks, because we are not understanding.

Are we really going to finish December without finding out what the Senate committee decided on Elisha Abbo?

Before the year ends, may we please know the poor that benefited from Abacha’s loot? We do usually confused about these things.

If someone asked me to describe Lagos traffic in one word, I would tell that person they’ve clearly never been in Lagos traffic because one word can never be enough to describe the travesty that is congestion in Lagos’ commercial capital.

A mess, wrapped inside faeces, lodged firmly in the underfoot of a rabid dog and maybe we can begin to mildly illustrate the traffic situation in Lagos.

But don’t take our word for it we asked 4 people to tell us their worst traffic experiences in Lagos and here’s what they had to say:

Ope – 4 hours from Berger to Gbagada.

So my traffic story isn’t just Lagos, I’m going to drag Oyo State inside because the evil both states did to me was enough.

I popped into Oyo State one weekend to for a wedding. I didn’t even spend up top two hours there and I dipped, maybe the head of the celebrants caught me and I should actually have stayed longer because it took me four whole hours to get to Lagos from Oyo State. 

But that wasn’t enough, Lagos was just getting started with me. I entered Lagos around 5 and somehow didn’t get home until 9. Nobody ask me how I used the toilet that day, please and thanks.

Aanu – Two hours from Obanikoro to Oregun.

I spent two hours in traffic and while many of you might laugh and say that was beginner level, I just want you to know this was on a Sunday and it was very early in the morning. I was headed to Oregun from Obanikoro and my Uber asked if I’d like to pass through Ketuinstead of Maryland to get there. I agreed and decided to pass the Alternative route, that’s where the problem started. Apparently CAC was having its anniversary and the geniuses that attend the church thought it best to block the roads in celebration.

I think the most annoying thing that happened wasn’t even the traffic, but getting to the point where the traffic started and seeing one woman serving rice from the boot of her car. Who does that?

Boyin- 5 hours on Eko Bridge.

My 2019 December is going to be so squeaky clean, you’ll be able to eat off of it and I have Eko Bridge to thank. December last year, I was coming back from rockies, early even, it was just past 11 PM and I was headed home. Maybe the forces that be were upset with how many cocktails I had that night, perhaps they wanted out of my suya. Anyway, I didn’t get off the bridge until past 4 in the morning. I will be declining all night-time invitations this year, thanks for usual co-operation.

Ann – 4 Hours from Ikoyi to Orile.

I spent 4 hours trying to get from Ikoyi to Orile last week. I saw things I still can’t talk about. Respect my privacy in these trying times.

What are your horror stories in Lagos traffic, let us know!

And it’s not the gyrating, shouting nursery rhymes and snap chatting kind. 

… to understand that it is seeking approval from the senate to borrow $30 billion dollars to develop infrastructure in the country. This loan, if approved will:

Almost rival the country’s proposed 2020 budget, which stands at $34 billion.

Increase the country’s debt portfolio which stood at $24.947 billion in March.

Likely take up almost 80% of government’s revenue on debt servicing 

(Debt servicing being the amount of money spent on repaying the principal and interest on a loan for a period of time)

Piss members of the 8th Senate off.

The previous members of the Senate rejected the proposed loan way back in 2016, allegedly because it would have increased our external debt to over $52 billion.

Will this loan actually help or is someone about to get even richer?

And we can’t say for sure on which. 

I mean, this is the same country where 60% of a $1 billion loan from the Chinese government for rail projects was allegedly diverted. Then again, look at all the good roads, working public transportation system and representative healthcare available all around you! We really can’t tell.

Who moves to a whole other country, a whole other city on a Saturday and immediately starts work Monday? The subject of today’s Abroad Life, that’s who.

Yomi Eluwande is a developer who recently made the move to Germany to work for the women’s health company – Clue. We caught up with him to learn how his first week in the abroad went.

So we’re going to start with a little Expectation V Reality. What were three things you were expecting and how did Germany tell you ‘Cross the arrivals gate for a surprise’?

Let’s see. First has to be the usual suspect – the cold. So when I was coming, people told me to expect better otutu (cold), so I thought carrying a winter jacket on the plane would be enough. I was wrong.

Uh-oh.

The worst part is, this is just autumn. Winter is coming.

Free advice, no matter how much you’ve been cranking your AC for abroad-cold training, carry gloves along on the plane if you’re planning on moving to Germany around this time.

So part one of the Moving to Germany Starter Pack: winter clothes, have your gloves on lock. Got it. How else did Germany surprise you?

Okay. I moved to Germany last week Saturday and I went to work Monday. Guess how many black people I saw from the time I left the airport, until I got to work Monday?

One jillion?

Remove the jillion.

One?!

Yepp. I don’t know where everyone was hiding, but I didn’t see another black person until I got to work on Monday. 

What in the ‘Get Out‘?

Thankfully, I’ve seen more black people since then — on the train, on the bus. But it was really weird those first few days. For the last surprise, I’ll have to say the food. Sometime last week, I was feeling a little nostalgic so I went to buy a shawarma. Two minutes in and I was looking around to ask if they had closed the border in Berlin too. No chicken, just bread and vegetables. It was rough!

Wow, we demand shawarma justice. Okay, random question. Who was the most famous German you knew before moving?

I’ll have to say Chancellor Merkel.

And now? Say,who’s the biggest in music over there?

Ah, this one is tough oh. I just know they play a lot of techno music. I haven’t started learning any names just yet. I still listen to my Burna Boy and Naira Marley over here.

Abayomi rise, don’t let this international exposure waste!

Hahaa.

So before we get into your first week, why even are you in Germany?

Work oh. These Euros won’t make themselves. I had two friends that moved abroad very early this year. One to London, the other to Dubai. So I did what any reasonable person would.

Which is?

I opened a big spreadsheet, put in all the foreign companies I wanted to work for and began sending emails. I sent about 62 emails and got only one response. That’s the company I currently work for as a developer.

I stan a determined japa.

I started working remote for my current company – Clue, in May. But I got the job offer in February. That same February, I applied to the German embassy for a visa application appointment and I didn’t get a response until October. This was just for the appointment oh.

Wow, wow. Really tighting their country to their chest. That’s a whole appointment baby.

I know! After the appointment, it took another three weeks before the visa was issued. As soon as I got it, I booked my ticket. No time. My employers had been really patient so I wasn’t about to spend more time in Nigeria.

Let’s talk about when you first got to Berlin-Tegel. Did you clap when the plane landed? This is a safe space.

Haha, no now. But I won’t lie, in my head I was like finally oh.!

So another quick versus. Murtala Muhammed and Berlin Tegel, who’s winning?

So funny thing, Murtala Muhammed might actually be finer. The thing with Germans is, they have a crazy maintenance culture because that airport is very old. This doesn’t mean it’s not well maintained though. I don’t know sha, I had a stopover at Istanbul, so maybe that’s what I’m using to compare.

Wait oh, it’s MM2 inside this race.

Okay wait, maybe I made a mistyek! Don’t let anybody come after me abeg. My bias might be showing because I didn’t have the very best experience at the airport. So, when you get to immigration at Berlin-Tegel, you’ll notice two lines. One for members of the EU and the other for well, others.

Oh?

Yepp. But at the time, I didn’t know what the lines were for, and I wasn’t about to enter any line that would take my enemy back to Nigeria, so I tried asking one of the female workers present, if you see the eye she gave me!

Wow wow.

Then she started speaking German, and if you’ve ever heard the language, you know the kind of muscle they use to speak. Sha, I ended up asking another person of colour that was on the plane with me and they explained what the lines were for. It was a minor incident but it kind of soured my arrival experience. But only a little.

Where is the love? 

So after making it through immigration, what were your next steps being new and unfamiliar with the country?

Remember how I said I had already started working for my company way back in February? Well, my colleagues and I had already gotten pretty cool, so they arranged to pick me from the airport and I didn’t have to worry about finding my way. Now speaking of pick up, let me burst your head small.

*Awaits scalp decimation*

You know how in Nigerian airports you’ll have all these guys shouting ‘taxi’, ‘taxi’ or highest you can get an Uber out? Well these people have taken it to another level. My colleagues drove me out of the airport in a car they rented through an app. Like there was no driver, no key. The app – WeShare, just directed them to an available, empty car at the airport. They unlocked it there and then with the app, pushed to start the car and we drove out in it.

*Stares in third world*

And it’s normal for them. Apparently they have spots you can return these cars or you can just drop them at the side of any road for the next person to find with the app. 

Ikeja-Under bridge could never. So you had your transportation sorted, how about accommodation?

See, even though that visa delay was annoying as hell, it gave me enough time to plan like I was preparing for Senior WAEC. So I had already looked through enough Airbnbs before coming to Berlin, and I finally settled on one for 703 Euros a month in Neukolln. It was already sorted before I came.

Curious. How much is average rent in Berlin?

Hmm, well it depends. If you’re sharing a space, you could probably spend between €500- €600. But if you want your own place, get ready to cough out anything between €800 – €1000. Plus, depends on where it is, get an apartment somewhere like Charlottenburg, which is like say the Lekki of Berlin, then it could go way higher.

Must.not.convert.Euros.to.Naira. And hidden charges? No agency fees ready to charge at your wallet?

Oh, oh, they have this thing here! So there’s ‘cold’ and ‘warm’ rent. Say a place costs €800, that’s the cold rent. But once you start adding utilities like water and heating, the price goes up. That’s called ‘warm rent’, pretty much a service charge. With that, your rent can go up from €800 to like €1000 a month.

Accidentally converted that to Naira in my head. So are you sure you don’t want to sharply buy black Friday ticket to Nigeria because this tew much?

Yeaaah, I’m good luv. Enjoy.

Haha. So earlier you said you got to Berlin Saturday and were at work by Monday. How is the commute and how did your first week go?

So, like I said, I came very prepared. By Sunday, I did a quick test run from my apartment to where work is. Two trains and one bus and I’m at work in 21 minutes. Already paid €81 for a monthly transport pass for the bus and the train so I’m fully strapped for this month. The painful part is, since I’ve been entering the trains and buses, no one has checked for my pass. I could have been entering for free. Sigh.

What a betrayed!

Now to my colleagues, just look at how they welcomed me on my first day. Just see. Absolute best guys!

Because I was already familiar with them, it was just finally meeting in person and the workweek went by pretty calmly. Just picked up where I left off in Nigeria, so it was nothing new.

And is communicating with your colleagues easy? With them speaking a whole other language?

Well, my office is pretty diverse. And there are English and German speakers scattered about, so it really hasn’t been the most difficult experience. My German is very limited, so I’m thankful for the diversity.

So accommodation ✓. Transport ✓. Work ✓. Now to the most important thing you should have secured in your first week – the jollof.

Man, by the end of the week I had taken enough falafels and burgers. I needed jollof rice inside me. So I went to the African shops to get ingredients. One is called Afro Shop and the other is Alpha and Omega and they’re both owned by Ghanaians. 

And these guys don’t just stock food. They have everything, wigs, clothes, Malta Guinness. Name it.

What has been the worst experience in Germany so far?

Hmm, white people staring in the streets. It is so weird, like they can’t help it. I’ve started doing my own back sha, everybody has eyes.

Then opening a bank account. So to do that, you have to verify your identity, scan your passport, that kind of thing. I wrote Yomi instead of Abayomi when registering and this mistake took days to correct. Like, I was just wondering, if it’s a tech problem, is it not this same tech we’re all doing? I just couldn’t understand the reason for the delay, it’s all sorted now sha. But still.

So I know you’ve been in Germany only one week, but how is a future there looking?

 Do you know you have to renounce your original citizenship before you can become a German national? And to renounce your Nigerian citizenship, the president has to sign? Omo!

Wow, wow. My guy you’ve been here one week, you’re already looking to become a citizen?

Ah, be waiting.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.