The NCDC confirmed the first case of the Coronavirus in Nigeria on February 27, 2020. And since then, all arms of government across all states of the federation have been on an overdrive to control the spread of the virus. President Buhari has ordered a complete lockdown of Lagos, Abuja, and Ogun for an initial period of 14 days. Also, the news coming from Oyo state suggests that the state government has ramped up its efforts to curb the spread of the virus.

The current number of confirmed cases in the state stands at seven, which includes the Chief Medical  Director of the University Teaching Hospital. 

Governor Seyi Makinde is hailed as a stand-up guy according to public opinion, and it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to lose all the public love and admiration he has garnered. In a series of tweet on March 29, he announced the commencement of a 7 PM to 6 AM curfew, suspended inter-state travels, closed the markets, and banned any gathering of more than 10 people. 

4. Also, inter-state transportation into and out of the state has been suspended from tonight, Sunday, March 29, 2020, except vehicles carrying food items, medical, pharmaceutical and petroleum products. All measures will be reviewed on a weekly basis.

— Seyi Makinde (@seyiamakinde) March 29, 2020

Also, he confirmed that the Diagnostic Centre at the University College Hospital has been approved by the NCDC and will now be used to test people for the virus.

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Meanwhile, in more Oyo State news, the task force that has been set up to enforce that these new rules are followed by the people of Oyo State was in full swing last night. And because people still think lounging around public places is a good idea, the Security and Enforcement sub-committee visited a couple of night clubs in the state capital, Ibadan, and reportedly impounded 22 vehicles belonging to people who wouldn’t stay in their houses.

The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

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For many, the outbreak of the coronavirus has felt like watching the opening of Pandora’s Box in real-time. Relaying their personal unboxing experiences are five Nigerians scattered around the world. We’re starting with Johnny, a Nigerian who lives in the original epicentre of the virus – China.

Peter, China.

At first, it felt more or less like a normal flu sickness. A doctor treated a patient in December. He suspected that this flu looked similar to SARS and told his fellow doctors of his findings. Somehow the government found out and got him arrested for spreading fake news.

(The Chinese New Year was on Saturday, 25th of January)

The biggest holiday in China is the New Year Festival. There’s a lot of movement all over China. It’s like Christmas holidays when Igbo people and others travel home from wherever they are in Nigeria. Many Chinese people work in Wuhan but are originally from different provinces and cities. 

More than 50,000 people left Wuhan. Some of them, of course, would have been infected. 

Imagine coronavirus entering Lagos before a major holiday. 

Yemi, Italy.

(Italy’s first detected case of the coronavirus was on January 29th, with two Chinese tourists. They were isolated and a state of emergency declared the next day, January 30th. By March, around 12,462 cases had been confirmed with 827 dead)

It might not seem like it with how the situation has spiralled out of control, but by February when the first case was recorded, I was still making trips around the world.

I have a graph I refer to. 

See, in February, it still looked like we were in the clear. There were a few deaths, but nothing to really warrant panic. Then the numbers started climbing. 

Up until the first week in March, things were still close to normal in Rome where I live. Lombardy was already on lockdown. I made trips to Switzerland and France, but as soon as I returned, the heat turned up.

It started with a cancelled work retreat in Prague, then my work travels for the rest of March were cancelled. By maybe March 12th, my co-workers and I received a note midday to go home and commence self-quarantine. The dates for working from home started to shift, another ‘hey guys, work from home has been extended to….’ message coming in to my workline. That’s when I realised things had really started to go downhill.

Abisola, The UK.

(Britain’s first recorded cases of the coronavirus tested positive on January 2nd. Since then, more than 4000 persons have been infected with the virus state-wide)

I work as an Adult General Nurse. What this means is that I give medicine, change wounds and dressing, insert and remove catheters — that kind of thing. For all intents and purposes, I have an idea on what to do and expect when a pandemic hits; there’s no specific training, but general knowledge kicks in. But even I didn’t appreciate the seriousness of the coronavirus, until about two weeks ago when the first patient with the coronavirus visited my hospital

The reality hit me. He had come in with other conditions so the coronavirus wasn’t immediately suspected. In that time he had interacted with nurses and caregivers. It wasn’t until his son who had tested positive for the coronavirus, informed the hospital of his diagnosis, that appropriate care was administered to the patient after which he was tested for the virus.

That was the moment I realised how easily exposure to the virus could happen, especially in my line of work. The constant fear now is treating someone with the virus without taking the appropriate extra precautions.

Anonymous, Dubai.

I’d say there were two things that made the Coronavirus very serious for me.

Early in March, I travelled to Dubai for my honeymoon and to prospect one or two business opportunities at the same time. Initially, I planned on going to Singapore but after finding that they had around 50 active cases of the Coronavirus, I switched to Dubai. So while I realised the virus was serious, I discounted the chances of its spread and how fast the world could change in just a number of weeks. Big mistake? Very.

Watching the government of the UAE address its citizens and assure them that it was ‘infinitely able to take care of all their needs’ was definitely the first red flag that I may have underestimated the threat of the virus.

The second was definitely when the Nigerian government ordered a shut down of its international airports without paying any mind to citizens that were abroad for one reason or the other. At the time, I didn’t have the chance to make the suitable arrangements to plan a return to the country. Nigeria had essentially locked me out in a country where the government was telling anyone who cared to listen how ready it was to care for its citizens.

You know what, make that three things. No airline in Dubai is even journeying down to Nigeria. On all fronts, I’m stranded in Dubai on my own pocket, until the virus is contained and movement resumes around the world.

I went to the Nigerian embassy, asking what plans or measures the government had made for its citizens abroad and I got nothing. They said, and I quote “this is a global problem, there’s nothing we can do about it.”The embassy has been locked since the last time I visited.

With three weeks left on my visa, a $1000 renewal fee, hotel and feeding bills to reckon with, not even counting the state of my business back in Nigeria which requires constant relations with China which is blacklisted, I’d say I’ve been taking the Coronavirus, it’s health and economic implications very seriously for about three weeks now.

Jane, Ghana.

(Ghana’s index case on the coronavirus was announced on March 12th, around twenty cases have been confirmed since then)

At first, news of the Coronavirus crept up on me. We all saw the news in China and heard about Wuhan, but at that time in January, I’d say it was just at the corner of my mind. I mean, I was aware of it, I just wasn’t too bothered by it.

By mid-February, that story had changed. I work in event management and my boss, who used to be a medical doctor, called us all into his office for some frank talk. He told us what to expect in the coming weeks with the rate at which the virus was spreading. When we started getting cancellations and postponement for events, because the majority of our client base is international, we were full-on primed and ready for the worst of the virus.

If the Coronavirus didn’t have my attention at the start of the year, it was all I could think about by mid-February.

When Ghana reported its first case, I expected it, but then again, nothing ever really prepares you for the shock that you might contract a virus that could possibly end your life.

Life Before Coronavirus

Yemi, Italy

I’ve come to love so much about this country. Its history — look, you’ve never been surrounded by so much well-preserved history. You basically interact with history every day. Although – I will say sometimes this has a downside – preserving history in Italy has complicated infrastructural development. 

Abisola, The UK

For seven years I’ve been a nurse. I moved to the UK last November and have enjoyed every little past time common with the English since then. I enjoy the social atmosphere, going on walks in the evening, even grocery shopping with people.

Coronavirus Goes Pandemic

(The WHO declared COVID-19 a pandemic on March 11th)

Peter, China.

By the time it spread in China, everyone was panic shopping, including me – everything got pricy. All delivery services stopped. All estates closed their gates. Checkpoints were everywhere for temperature checks. Masks became scarce. 

Busy streets became deserted.

Abisola, The UK.

The hours have definitely increased, but that’s expected when you’re trying to rein in a pandemic. I now work 12.5 hours a day, about 4-5 days a week.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had to work one day extra to make up for nurses who are beginning to fall ill. Everyone is committed to getting the UK as safe as it can be, but at the same time, nurses are genuinely scared for their lives. The biggest heroes are the ICU nurses, infection and control as well as emergency nurses. They deserve all the appreciation.

We’ve had to discharge patients to different types of homes, not just to deal with the numbers, but because it’s safer for them to be out of the hospital at this time.

We have PPEs (Personal Protective Equipment) to protect ourselves, but there’s a shortage, so we’re encouraged to use these only when necessary, that means, if we suspect we’re actually dealing with a suspected case of Covid-19. We’re just using general precautions at this time.

There isn’t a financial reward to working at this time, it’s a nurses’ dream to save lives, so that isn’t always an incentive. But it’s great that members of the NHS are being recognised for their work from neighbouring establishments. McDonald’s gave free drinks to frontline workers, Sainsbury and Tesco have given time-slots for NHS workers to shop, stress-free. The support has been very comforting.

The people of London showing their appreciation to the incredible NHS staff, who are risking themselves each day to help with the coronavirus pandemic. Incredibly moving.

🇬🇧👏 #clapforourcarers #clapforNHS

🎥 via @NatashaC pic.twitter.com/HmHrCm7C5G

— Joe Prince-Wright (@JPW_NBCSports) March 26, 2020

The People Fight Back

Yemi, Italy.

(Italy has imposed a Stay-at-home campaign that has been in force for weeks)

I’m going for a walk outside my apartment for the first time in days. It’s not because I need the exercise. It’s just – I’m starting to go stir crazy being cooped in for so long. The lockdown has been in force for weeks now. I’m only going around my block – you’ve seen the Italian mayors complaining – I’m not going any further.

"I stopped him and said, 'Look, this isn't a movie. You are not Will Smith in I Am Legend. Go home."
This is the updated compilation of Italian Mayors losing it at people violating #Covid19 quarantine. Yes, subtitles are accurate. pic.twitter.com/60V4Csuonb

— 🇵🇸 (@protectheflames) March 22, 2020

To leave my house and take a walk around the block, I have to fill out a self-declaration form. This form will contain details on the start and end of my journey. It’s to track any chances of me spreading the virus. Movements between different cities and towns are permitted only in dire cases. 

Jane, Ghana.

In Accra, we recently started social distancing and I am so proud of how obedient everyone has been towards the government’s directives. We had a ‘no market-day’ order the other day and when I tell you, not even buses were on the road to transport people. The government has seen how important this virus could potentially be to the lives of its citizens and is taking all the right steps to prevent a meltdown.

Yemi, Italy.

Since the 1.5 years I’ve been living in this neighbourhood, this is the most vibrant I have seen this street! #Covid19italia #coronavirusitalia #litaliachiamo #flashmob pic.twitter.com/bdKgV68Chu

— Yemi Adeyeye (@yemi_adeyeye) March 13, 2020

As the numbers have climbed, and the reality of just how severe this virus has hit Italy, even that has changed. There hasn’t been any cheer for the past couple of days.

Anonymous, Dubai.

 I haven’t been out a lot, but from what I’ve seen, the government and the people of Dubai aren’t taking any chances. The lockdowns are in place and people are respecting it. There aren’t unnecessary gatherings, everyone is indoors. Anything public, pools, gyms, clubs and the tourist centres have been closed. 

The only things open are supermarkets, food stores and pharmacies. I think if countries and citizens have the same goal and are on the same page, the way Dubai is, this virus will stand a chance of being contained within a reasonable time. At this rate, I’m considering just starting over and moving here.

Jane, Ghana.

(Ghana is plotting a countrywide lockdown, in addition to sensitisation efforts)

 I’ll be the first to say that there are certain things the Ghanaian government could have done differently, like closing the borders earlier and imposing a quarantine on arrivals into the country before the first case spread, but on a whole, their handling of the situation has been admirable.

There have been market sanitisations, you actually see the effort at educating people at the grassroots on what to expect with the coronavirus and measures to prevent it. There’s a website updated with information on the virus every six hours. It doesn’t matter that you already find the information in other places first, just knowing the resource exists is so fantastic. And moving away from the government. The people have been great. They have mobilised food drives and assistance to the less fortunate. More of this and I genuinely see life returning to a little bit of normalcy, come April.

Yemi, Italy.

The first thing I have to appreciate the government for is stabilising prices. There’s no supermarket or store you’ll visit, or at least I’ve visited, with a hike in prices. They’ve made sure all the stores remain stocked and there’s no shortage. It’s a laudable move.

Despite the numbers, the quarantine is also being handled very well, I mean, there will be people that will disobey the orders to stay put, but in all, the government deserves its praise.

The Future.

Peter, China.

 The last patient in my city has been discharged as at 22nd of March – our city is now virus-free. China is still recording new cases at the airport from returnees, but they tag them imported cases. We will see what will happen in the coming weeks. About numbers, I don’t think the government is hiding numbers. No country can give accurate numbers too. The number they give are only known cases. Many people might be sick but would prefer to hide or stay home. Some might even die at home. So the cases they report are only what they know based on hospital records. It’s just interesting to note that things would have been contained if the lockdown was implemented in December. The doctor (who first raised the alarm) contracted the virus from his patient and died afterwards. 

Jane, Ghana.

Right now, I’m taking things in their stride. I laugh when I remember all the places, trips and locations I was bookmarking on Instagram earlier in the year to visit and create content in. Right now I’m just thankful to have breath in me. My biggest priorities are maximising the supplies of food and tissue paper I have for the month to possibly stretch in the event that this goes on longer than planned.

Yemi, Italy.

I think the world stands a good chance at beating this thing. Human beings have been besieged by diseases in the past and we always come back victorious. The only issue right now is what and how much we would have lost before we return to normal.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.

It’s official. Going forward, life is going to be divided into pre-corona and post-corona times.

The world has never experienced and hopefully will never experience anything quite like this virus, which has so far affected around 351 000 people. Which is why we’re feeling more than a little appreciative and kind of nostalgic of all the things we took for granted before the coronavirus came and quite literally infected our world.

That said, the coronavirus will switch up earth’s game once it’s done. This is how we imagine regular Nigerian scenes will play out when the virus ends:

Praying in church/mosque

Post-Corona, everyone is going to be hyper-aware of just how much spit Bro Joseph releases when he speaks in tongues during Sunday Service. You’ll become hyper-aware of how close people sit during Jumahh. Nothing Was The Same abi how did Drake say it?

Working from the office.

Post-corona, sick-leaves and remote days will be plenty like water. You won’t even need to apply. Just make sure you cough in front of your supervisor and you’ll get an email asking you to work from home within the minute.

Should we thank corona?

Going Clubbing.

Your default stance when anybody that doesn’t show you their corona test- kit results attempts to dance with you.

No longer will random grinds be a thing. And don’t even think of whispering in anybody’s ears at 57. We’re here for a good time and a long time.

Schools.

Forget ‘Names of Noise Makers’, there will now be lists of people who sneezed or coughed without doing so in their elbows. Zikoko’s crystal ball strikes again.

Owambes

Event decorators are going to be booked and busy post-corona. Who else is going to set-up the arrangements where no more than two people can be seated on a table? Socialdistancing4lyf!

Entering danfos.

Hm. This one can’t change oh. Only God can help us here.

What do you think will change once the coronavirus is contained?

The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

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In the first-ever non-Nigerian Abroad Life, Dounard, a Liberian citizen, spent the better part of his life, growing up in Nigeria. After returning to Liberia, a country changed from the time he left it, ravaged by a civil war and the deadly ebola pandemic, his optimism at helping to re-build the country is currently put on hold, while the storm of the coronavirus is being weathered. This is his story.

So let’s play a little ‘then and now’. Is life in Liberia any different from what it was say, three weeks ago?
It depends. In some ways, it’s completely the same. If I look outside my window right now, people are walking the streets, the church close to my house still held a vigil last night, you know, things like that. But in other ways, because of the coronavirus, things are completely different. Transport for one is changed. There’s been a spike in transport prices because the government has mandated keke drivers to carry only two passengers at the back, nobody in the front seat. Taxis too. They can only carry three people at the back, where it used to be four. And that’s just transport.

Oh? What else has changed?
So when the president was addressing us on the coronavirus, he mentioned how —

Your president addressed you on the virus? Hm. Never felt that emotion, but it sounds powerful.
Haha, I’m sure your president will stop keeping malice with you soon enough … or not.

But, when George Weah was addressing the country, he placed all non-essential government staff on paid leave. Same thing with schools. Students will observe a one-week break to try to contain the spread of the virus.

The planning is great, but I’m curious – any idea what counts as a non-essential staff?
Hm. I’ll be honest, I’m not very sure. But I have a friend that works at the Central Bank and deciding who was essential and non-essential was up to the head of department. So I guess it depends on a management decision.

Got it. So the Liberian government is clearly being proactive with handling the coronavirus. Would you say this is the same treatment ebola got when it first started making rounds in 2014?
I can’t say for sure because at the time, I had spent most of my life in Nigeria. When Ebola started, I was in Babcock University, Ogun State, insulated from what was happening to an extent. But from what I’ve heard, Liberia was a little slow to act for a number of reasons. So no, I wouldn’t say the energy the coronavirus is getting now, was the same case in 2014.

We’ll get to those reasons in a little bit. But before then, how is it that you came to live most of your life in Nigeria?

So during the Liberian Civil War — wait, let me clarify. Liberia had two civil wars, one that ousted Samuel Doe, and the other that involved Charles Taylor, a lot of outsiders never realise that Liberia had two civil wars. 

Guilty outsider here
See! Well, during the Charles Taylor civil war, my parents, who are missionaries wanted to pursue their masters. Unfortunately for them, none of the schools they applied to granted them the joint admission they wanted. So when a seminary in Lagos granted them joint scholarships, we were off. We settled into our new lives fast, my parents completed their double masters and even built a church in Lagos. That’s how I came to spend 15 years in Nigeria. 

That’s fantastic! But to a less cheery subject. What reasons did you come to hear for Liberia being slow to act when ebola struck?
So you need to understand this. When ebola first came in, a large percentage of Liberians thought it was all a rumour. To them, there was no way monkeys could have caused something so terrible, this was something they had eaten regularly, their grandparents had grown up on. It was just hard to wrap their heads around some disease suddenly springing up, so they didn’t take it seriously.

Oh no

It wasn’t just that. From doubting it existed, they graduated to ebola probably being a white man’s disease. This whole doubtful period, the disease was spreading in a way that, well, as we all saw, eventually the whole country paid for.

Man

After that, maybe because the first case of the disease in Liberia was a Guinean, people thought the virus was some type of ‘jazz’ at work. This whole time, the clock was ticking, people were dying, the virus was multiplying. It was crazy. 

There is this community called New Georgia, it has a large Muslim population. In the early days of ebola, when someone turned up dead in the community, they kept performing the usual rites – washing the bodies, worsening the spread. They kept at this until an imam actually had to intervene and plead with them to stop.

I can’t imagine what going through that must have felt like. I can’t even begin to imagine how helpless you’d have felt, receiving news about friends and family from home, when you in Nigeria. 
It was terrible, just terrible. Every week, every other day was news about this uncle, or that aunty’s son or this family being affected by the virus or dying. But that was just one part of the tragedy, there was another layer to the ebola crisis that’s mostly overlooked.

And what layer is that?
You know how there were people that died of ebola? There was another really large number of people that died because of ebola.

Wait, can you explain that?

Let me start from the beginning. When ebola hit, there were maybe 100 doctors for the whole country. 

(Reports put the number of doctors at 50 to Liberia’s 4.3 million people when ebola struck)

This was because of how the medical education system was set up. To become a Liberian doctor, you needed a first degree in something, microbiology, geology – anything, this could take anywhere from four to five years. From there, you needed another six years of medical school, the only one in the country, which, from all accounts was incredibly difficult to get in.

Oh boy

So by the time ebola blew up, there were very limited doctors to attend to ebola patients, and next to no doctors to handle anything that wasn’t ebola related. I lost a friend who had sickle cell anaemia, and was also asthmatic because the hospitals just wouldn’t take him in.

My God
There were so many cases like that. I had an aunt who had a miscarriage and because the healthcare workers were so scared of touching her blood, nobody wanted to attend to her. It took the intervention of some higher up family member to convince them to help.

Another time, a government official who had just lost his daughter to a non-ebola related illness, went on a radio program to complain about the poor treatment his daughter got at the hospital. The phone lines were flooded with everyday Liberians reminding him that it took the loss of his daughter for him to acknowledge a problem they had been suffering through and complaining about for months. It was terrible.

I can’t even begin to imagine the horror
Me too. Then there were cases of ebola patients that were routinely sprayed with chlorine. They developed all sorts of skin diseases. Experiencing all of this first hand must have felt like living in a nightmare. Back in Nigeria, I just had to deal with quite a bit of teasing from classmates.

They did not!
Ah! Right from time, I was called ‘Liberia’ in school. So when ebola started, I was singled out by default. I got a lot of: ‘I hope you didn’t visit your country recently?’. You know a parent called their child, trying to confirm that they weren’t in the same hall as me? Just random things like that.

Oh my goodness!
Then Nigeria had its first case and it was a Liberian, so you already know I entered it in school during that period. But it was just a lot of banter. What wasn’t banter was someone giving a testimony in church, saying how God loved Nigeria because there were countries like Liberia in hot soup with ebola. It was just ridiculous to suggest that Liberians weren’t prayerful or loved by God and that’s why we were being punished. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

Ridiculous! Has she seen Nigeria? So sorry you had to sit through that. 

But let’s talk about when you did eventually visit Liberia. How different was it from the country you left behind years ago?
Well, I was very young when I left, so I didn’t really have any memories. But I’ll tell you this, when I landed at the Liberian airport which, at that time was the size of a mini-flat because the old one had been destroyed in the war, a real need to be a part of re-building the country came over me and it has never left.

I get that. So from your time in Liberia, do you think the country has returned to a semblance of normal, considering all it has been through?
I’m going to have to say yes to this one. Liberians are very resilient people. They’re the first to make jokes about the ebola period and if you don’t reach out first, they’ll definitely pull you in for a hug.

That said, you can’t miss all the fixtures of buckets with taps used to wash hands placed in the front of business establishments everywhere. Even ‘Fula Shops’ – what Nigerians call mallam shops or aboki shops, have their own bucket washers. You also still need to sanitize your hands before entering an establishment. Because while there is relative calm, nobody is ready to let down their guard.

And even now, with the coronavirus? How are Liberians taking it?
So far, there have been two reactions to the coronavirus in Liberia. There are those that believe the coronavirus is real, like the management of the Providence Baptist Church, a very popular church, which you might know is where the Liberian declaration of independence was signed. They’ve barred any public services and have switched online, while the coronavirus is contained. This group has seen what a pandemic can do and nobody wants a repeat of that.

Admirable! Can someone send the minutes of meeting where this was decided, to Nigerian religious institutions, please?
Well, that’s just one group. We have others that doubt that the coronavirus is real at all. Because they believe the Liberian government is using it as a ploy to get funding. Back when ebola was raging, a considerable amount of foreign aid was given to help manage it. So there are conspiracy theorists weaving that about. But, to be fair, it’s only a very small percentage of the country that believes this.

Interesting. And how many reported cases have been made so far?
Just two. First was the head of Liberia’s Environmental Protection Agency, who refused to be quarantined when he arrived Liberia from Switzerland, eventually infecting his housekeeper – which was the second case.

You probably saw the video of his driver on social media, being chased by members of his community to go under quarantine. He ended up testing negative for the virus, but I understood his fear.

Back in 2014, if you were taken to be quarantined at the Ebola Treatment Unit, you weren’t coming back. You would die there, your body would be burnt and your family notified. It was just a given. Who would stand for that?

Christ, that’s completely understandable.

But for those who are taking it seriously, what precautions are they observing to prevent the spread of the coronavirus?

Well there’s the transport limit, where a reduced number of passengers are being carried, then schools being shut down and the one-week work leave. Beyond that, the two airlines that fly international in Liberia – Air Moroc and KLM are having their last flights in and out of the country on Friday, March 20th, 2020. Before then, anyone that has come into Liberia from a high-risk country is placed on a mandatory 14-day quarantine. I can’t speak to the standard of the quarantine centre, but for sure people returning aren’t mixing with Liberians until it is confirmed that they do not carry the virus.

Got it. And stocking up? Are there incidents of panic buying?

Hm. Panic buying? I mean, like everywhere, the costs of hand sanitizers have gone through the roof. People kept trying to get for themselves and their families. But beyond that, no, no real cases of panic buying.

The truth is, the average Liberian can’t even afford to panic buy. At this point, people probably have bought the essentials that they require and can afford, and that’s it.

Wow

This even brings another thing to attention. Liberia is very import-heavy. We import everything, rice, maybe even cooking oil. So when these countries stop supplying Liberia and when border closures are enforced, there’s a big question on how food and essential product supplies will be provided in Liberia.

I definitely hope measures will be put in place, because that’s another crisis on its own. How are you preparing to weather the worst of the coronavirus?

Well, I’m a little sulky. I had law school exams right before the virus struck, so I’d have appreciated it if it came right before, and we were given this one week break to study some more, but that’s just me being silly.

I’ve stocked on my favourite essentials, I have enough Liberian garri to last me through many storms, so that’s good.  Beyond that, I’m using this period to clear my reading list. Last week was ‘We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed by our families’ a book on the Rwandan war. Two days ago, I read ‘A Long Way Gone’ – A book written by a Sierra Leonean child soldier. Today, it’s ‘A Swamp Full of Dollars’ – on Nigeria’s oil and gas and militancy. I’ll probably read some school books to prepare for the next semester, so we’ll see.

Are you optimistic that the virus will be contained in Liberia?

I mean, it’s good to be optimistic and I respect that, but for all the efforts the government has put in place to contain the virus – rather than a containment, I wish the world could hurry on with a cure. I would feel safer.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.

Guess who’s coming to dinner, it’s the rona.

While we all say our collective ‘God forbids’, the reality is that the Coronavirus has done what imported rice cannot do ⁠— infiltrated the Nigerian border.

With the new case, the wisest thing to do is to be proactive in taking precautionary steps against the coronavirus in Nigeria. A simple step in that direction is to practice social distancing – where physical space is maintained apart from people to reduce the likelihood of a spread.

With this in mind, here are certain places and things it would be advisable to avoid, pending the time the coronavirus is contained:

Domestic flights.

While the coronavirus is being contained, it is definitely advisable to put off any visits to local destinations. However, where absolutely necessary, domestic flights should be substituted for road travel in self-driven vehicles where possible.

Public transportation.

While this might be difficult to manoeuvre, especially in the states where a genius cut down the modes of transportation; being confined in close quarters with people in your daily commute can greatly increase your chances of catching the coronavirus. Please avoid public transportation where possible.

Clubs.

If it’s easy for a stranger to spill their drink on you at the club, imagine how free-flowing an easily airborne disease would be. 0/10 would not recommend.

Weddings.

Look, we know wedding jollof rice bangs different, but I promise you want to be alive to eat even more of it in years to come. Which is why you should avoid heavily populated weddings at this time. It would also be advisable to scale down the number of guests you have planned for your wedding during this period. Imagine how much you’d save on catering!

Church/Mosques.

There hasn’t been a better time to connect one on one with God on Fridays and Sundays. Congregating is a little risky right now. But if you’d still like to listen to sermons, online preachings should be available.

Gyms.

Think of the Coronavirus as your ‘get out of the gym free card.’ If you actually want to work out, there are plenty of workout videos and guidelines online. Practise that in the comfort of your home within a restrained crowd.

Pharmacies.

An easy place for an unsuspecting victim of the coronavirus to visit is the pharmacy. At this time, it is advisable to avoid these places, resorting to online orders where necessary. The elderly are especially encouraged to send younger people to help purchase drugs on their behalf where this won’t be possible.

Street food.

First off, you shouldn’t even be on the road, let alone consuming food sold on the road. Avoid both instances where possible until a proper handle on the virus is made.

Stay safe everyone. Remember to self-distance and hydrate.

Every Nigerian politician worth half a cup of salt knows that for all intent s and purposes, he has one of the chillest jobs on this planet.

I mean, provided you can suffer through wearing those god-awful ankara get-ups and suffering through one or seven assassination attempts during campaign season —

While greasing the right palms and kissing your preferred butt cheek, it’s really not that bad.

After victory in elections, the normal thing is to lay low and begin your career as an unofficial travel vlogger, only putting your career on hold when it’s one year to election to start another campaign.

However, during those three years, there may come a time when one or two things may require you to actually do your job (groan!). Most notably, instances of state disasters.

Now as a politician, you might freak out. ‘How exactly do they expect me to do my job?!’ you’re probably wondering. Well lucky for you, there’s a blueprint to follow. We’ll be using Governor Sanwo-Olu’s approach to handling the FESTAC Abule-Ado explosion as a case study. Here goes:

Wear your most relatable ‘man of the people baffs’ to visit the disaster site.

Tell your deputy to do the same. Leave your waist trainer at home.

Make interesting hand movements at the scene. Make sure your capture crew gets your best angles.

This is especially important if you’ve been casted for pointing by observant citizens.

Depending on how it’s doing you, send a tweet commiserating with the victims.

We are working with NEMA, NNPC and other agencies to make life easier for everyone affected in the tragic incident at Abule Ado which claimed lives and caused extensive property damage. I offer my condolences to everyone affected.

— Babajide Sanwo-Olu (@jidesanwoolu) March 16, 2020

Doesn’t matter that if you had done your job in the first place, no lives would have had to be lost.

So they won’t say you’re not busy, fly to Abuja to show the president pictures from your photoshoot at the disaster site.

Today, I met with HE President @MBuhari to brief him on the unfortunate incident at Abule Ado.

The core plan is to provide relief, rebuild the affected areas and avoid future occurrence. pic.twitter.com/1HB2jN21MB

— Babajide Sanwo-Olu (@jidesanwoolu) March 16, 2020

Does it matter that you could have easily sent it to him on the ‘APC Guvnrz Rock’ Whatsapp group where he is the admin? Not really.

For the finale, collect money from the victims of your inadequacies to pay for your inadequacies.

Here are the account details for the relief fund…

Name of Account: AbuleAdo Emergency Relief Fund
Bank Name: Polaris Bank
Acct Number: 4030017510

Name of Account: Abule Ado Emergency Relief Fund
Bank Name: Zenith Bank
Acct Number: 1017184516 pic.twitter.com/PzYX1UOwmn

— Babajide Sanwo-Olu (@jidesanwoolu) March 16, 2020

Money is money. These foreign trips won’t pay for themselves you know.

And that dears, is how best to handle disaster relief in Nigeria. Any additional tips? Let us know.

On March 16th, 2020, an explosion dangerous enough to cause the loss of several lives and valuable property occurred in Abule Ado, FESTAC town. Lagos.

Seeing as 2020 has had an unfair share of tragedies, from the Coronavirus, to the market fires, to inter-ethnic violence, yet another incident of the mass loss of lives and property is a reality anyone would have swapped at any cost possible.

Which is why everyone should be especially angry at the FESTAC pipeline explosion. Because while the exact number of victims is up for debate, whether a sand tipper which caught fire and spread to a neighbouring pipeline or simply pipeline vandals are to blame — what is 100% excused from negotiation is that this disaster, and the severity of its casualties could have easily been avoided.

As proof, here are the reasons why the FESTAC fire explosion should never have happened:

Lagos has had one too many pipeline explosions for adequate safety measures around pipelines to remain unavailable.

Abule Egba in 2020, 2019, 2018, a largely residential area in Lagos has repeatedly suffered through instances of pipeline explosions with several lives and property lost. For the fact that said areas haven’t been vacated, with the residents relocated to safer areas by the government, is very telling of the government’s interest in people’s lives. It is why the FESTAC pipeline explosion will not be the last incident of this nature Lagos faces.

Beyond being a residential area, the government approved the construction of a secondary school in an area teeming with explosives.

I guess the government is only concerned with unapproved residential areas when the residents are despondent and sitting on prime real estate.

The fact that this happened and emergency response crews weren’t immediately deployed to the area.

Hours before the explosion, a video surfaced of gas flaring #festacexplosion pic.twitter.com/lSpjnHlHJS

— Mola (@mola_akins) March 15, 2020

Emergency evacuation in the hours preceding the FESTAC explosion would have saved countless lives.

If that isn’t enough to get you riled up, check out the government’s routine response to needless loss – a tweet.

I received with sadness the news of the explosion in Lagos, which caused loss of lives and property. While the NNPC makes efforts to determine the cause of the incident, I send my deepest sympathies to the victims, their families, and the Government and people of Lagos State.

— Muhammadu Buhari (@MBuhari) March 15, 2020

Statements and more statements. No word on when they will be accompanied by decisive action.

But most heartbreaking, is how nameless and faceless the victims of the FESTAC pipeline explosion will remain.

Our thoughts, prayers and deepest condolences go to the families of the deceased, noting Rev. Sr Henrietta Alokha, who bravely lost her life while rescuing students of Bethlehem Girls College. The many still injured and the countless others stuck, trying to find a means to recover from the devastation of the pipeline explosion.

To hear most Nigerians tell it, living abroad, and we’re talking any abroad here ⁠— The UK, Italy, any part of Benin Republic ⁠— feels like living in a cross between heaven, the garden of Eden and paradise. But boy, do we have news for you today.

Yes, living abroad has its upsides, in a basic amenities, 24-hours electricity, governmental welfare programs type of way, but there are certain things Nigerians ought to be aware of before making the big leap to buy the IELTS forms for that move abroad.

Every week, we’ve spoken to Nigerians scattered across continents for Abroad Life. Here are their first-hand accounts of what it’s like to be a Nigerian abroad.

Anonymous, South Africa.

Nigerians and South Africans have had a tangled past, thanks to frequent bouts of xenophobia.

On what South Africans think about Nigeria, our anonymous feature had this to say:

“South Africans blur the lines where immigrants and foreign nationals are involved. They use ‘Nigerians’ as a blanket term.” Immigrants are blamed for everything … the lack of jobs in South Africa…”

“I’m very cautious when I tell people my name. I’ll admit there have been times where I just leave it out that I’m Nigerian because you never know who you might be speaking to, they could be violent, they could have a specific anti-Nigerian/immigrant axe to grind.”

On what life as a Nigerian immigrant in South Africa feels like.

“In trains and bus stations, they stop people (immigrants) and ask for their Identity cards.”

“Some immigrants were selling ‘counterfeit clothes’ in Central Johannesburg… Nigerians were somehow blamed for that”

Read the full story here.

Dexter, Ireland.

Dexter is a frequent flier who likes to collect stamps on his passport as a hobby. If you’re looking to start a trade President Buhari’s side-hustle as a travel vlogger, you might want to know a few things about certain countries.

If you’re looking to travel to Indonesia…

“My friends and I were planning to go to Indonesia in the summer of 2020. While I was doing some research for the group, we found that Nigerians need to get a ‘Calling visa’ that’s a special approval from the immigration boss in Indonesia’s capital – Jakarta. 

Then we also had to find a sponsor who would be an Indonesian citizen or permanent resident, who would then be required to go for their own interview too. My friends and I didn’t feel welcome, so we won’t be going there anymore.”

But, if you’re looking for the easiest place to get a visa.

 “I applied online and the (Turkey) visa was sent to my email in forty minutes.”

But before you call your Turkish visa plug, you should know one thing:

“(In) Istanbul-Turkey, you are going to find dogs on the streets, dogs on the expressway. Dogs chilling in groups, like organising their own little party and hanging out. Dogs just everywhere.”

Read the full story here.

Grace, Canada.

For many Nigerians, Canada is the far-away home they’ll finally get to visit if the embassy stops hating and grants the academic visa they’ll eventually finesse into a permanent residency. But for all its supposed glitz, Canada didn’t immediately feel like home to Grace.

On loneliness in Canada. 

“I’ve always felt like I’m being held hostage in this country with its better standard of living and constant light and promise of a better life … I was 17 when I moved here and contrary to the dream everyone has about moving to Canada, I was just honestly and truly miserable.”

“It was hard as fuck adjusting to a new life in the beginning. I just wanted to be with my family and friends.”

On accommodation in Canada.

“Yo, rent is so expensive here. When I moved out of student accommodation to get a place of my own with friends, the prices were giving me, what do they call it? Chest pain.”

But it’s not all bad, not even close. On Canadian kindness:

“I was at the side of a street, just shivering and wondering who sent me message when some lady came over and gave me a spare hairnet to put over my shoes so I’d be able to walk over the ice.”

Read her full story here.

Segun, Germany.

If Germany is your dream location, you might want to listen to a couple of the pointers you’ll need to cope, courtesy Google developer expert for android – Segun Famisa.

On getting a German visa.

“ These days … I hear it can take up to ten months, just to get an appointment to apply for the (German) visa.”

On the German language turning his whole head upside down.

“You see this word – Adoflstraße? That ‘ß’ is pronounced as a double ‘s’, so if you’re pronouncing it, you would ay ‘Adolfstrasse’. One day, I spent like an hour asking people for directions to ‘Adolfstrabe’.”

On German peculiarities.

“They (Germans) can lead very isolated lives. Like I’ve had my neighbour for two years and I think I’ve only seen him once. Maybe he has a baby? I say a stroller outside his house one time.”

Read his full article here

Tolu, London.

The UK completes the holy trifecta of countries Nigerians are setting special prayer alarms to move to. For Tolu, a chance at a stellar education led her to Charlie’s mom’s city. Here’s what she has to say:

On an alternative way to get the visa to the UK.

“I applied for this PTDF scholarship, the government allows you to pick a school of your choice, any school at all and they fund it. (The government) paid for a priority visa, after 5 working days I got it, the next day I was on my way to the UK.”

On the nicest thing a Londoner has done for her.

“In London, when I first arrived and was lugging my suitcase about, I was going up and downstairs, carrying load, just sweating and trying to find my boundaries. A very kind, kind Muslim man who couldn’t speak English and only told me ‘Bismillah’, helped me carry my load own the stairs. I almost cried, I was so thankful.”

Read her full story here.

Nigerian experiences are colourful and varied across the world. To have personalised accounts of individual Nigerian experiences across countries like China, Italy, Hungary, The US etc, keep reading.

Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.

Psst. I need your help making Abroad Life the very best series it can be, can you take half a minute, okay maybe two minutes, to fill this form? You’re the best!

Are we dreaming? Is Nigeria, a country that can barely power a brick game really looking to ban generators?

I mean, first they took our chicken, we didn’t talk – meat dey. Then they took our kekes and okadas, we talked a little, but we moved still. But now, they want to take away the one thing that made this no-light having, border closing, keke kidnapping, government tolerable? Who’s in charge of this simulation, we want to see your boss!

Who Thought Nigeria Banning Generators Was A Good Idea?

The bill to ban the importation, sale and purchase of generator sets – Generating Set (Prohibition/Ban) Bill 2020 was sponsored by no other than Senator Muhammad Enagi Bima (APC) of Niger South.

We don’t know if his automatic generating sets or perhaps his solar-powered home has confused him into thinking, like him, most Nigerians enjoy 24-hour electricity, but somebody please tell him this isn’t the case.

Also, if you have Senator Bima’s voodoo doll by any chance, please tickle him aggressively on his back where his hands can’t reach? The punishment might not fit the crime, but it’s a start.

Why is the Nigerian Senate proposing a generator ban?

See, if you can answer this, we’ll give you 7,500 pounded yam.

Officially, the ban is to help curb the environmental pollution Nigeria is guilty of. This would make sense if :

a. Nigeria had constant power, so people wouldn’t need generator sets in the first place.

b. Nigeria didn’t impose strict fees on environmentally-friendly electricity alternatives like solar power.

c. Nigeria wasn’t complacent AF with curbing real and constant environmental menaces like gas flaring.

So for the real answer, you’ll have to wait for it to reveal itself, because …

Will Nigeria’s generator ban affect everyone?

Yes, it will. The proposed Nigeria generator ban is targeted towards every citizen, and ‘all persons are hereby directed to stop the use of electricity generating sets which run on diesel, petrol and kerosene of all capacities with immediate effect.

Hold up, the generator ban affects everyone, everyone? Hospitals too?

Well, the bill has provided some exceptions, and this includes people that provide essential services. So we have hospitals, universities, that kind of thing.

However, it allows for an application to be excluded from the ban. This exclusion application must be made to the Minister of Power who must tender exclusions before the Federal Executive Council quarterly.

Gee, I sure do hope people with access to the government don’t abuse this exclusion clause

Anyway, there you have it. The Nigerian senate doesn’t think Nigerians have it hard enough, and are doing their darndest to make things even worse. What was that you said?

Do you understand what kind of bored generation, this generation is? Made up stories and scenarios don’t cut it anymore; real people with real lives and expectations have to be dangled in front of us, to guarantee that real-life, reality TV entertainment. We’re somehow oh.

We’re not knocking on reality shows, far from it We may or may not be a little addicted to Ultimate Love and you better know how much we love us some Big Brother, which is why we have come to our message for today.

Reality TV is great, but reality TV specifically catering to the actual realities of Nigerian life, somebody make it happen!

Luckily we’ve tweaked the shows and provided an updated synopsis. Don’t forget to run us our cheques:

Ultimate Love … For Generators.

Here’s what we’ll do. Keep Nigerians locked in a home for 100 days. No generators. All tasks will be geared to win a chance to sleep in the part of the house powered by generators. Imagine the chaos.

Pros – will save diesel money. Cons – viewers probably won’t see anything in the regular, non-generator powered house after 7 PM.
Tell your people to call our people.

Big Brother… Watches Everything You Post Online.

An intimate look at all the people behind your mobile phone screens, (almost literally), watching whether you’ll be the next to go to prison for naming your dog after a Nigerian president.

Ultimate Search … For An Area With More Than 7 Hours Light Daily.

Imagine this, a camera crew following may be 7 Nigerians around a state, interviewing landlords, neighbours egg. The person that successfully finds (and can afford) a place with more than 7 hours of light wins.

Maltina Family Dance .. All The Way To The Canadian Embassy.

This might seem a tad harsh, but a cheque and a North American visa are at stake here. Two families pitted against each other for a chance to dance their way to a Canadian visa. Okay fine, we’ll throw in a Permanent Residency too.

Love is blind … When You Can’t See Your Significant Other Without Electricity.

Honourable abroad reality tv show mention.

Forget pods. Imagine Love is Blind but the contestants can only speak to the other cast members when there’s no light. They say a man’s true character comes out when he can’t watch his favourite TV show at will.
Watch chaos happen at night time.

The Apprentice… Learns How To Give Excuses For Uncompleted Clothes.

We just follow a bunch of Nigerian apprentice tailors as they attempt to outdo their bosses in lies about why the fabrics given months ago, haven’t been taking out of their nylons. Extra points for creativity. We’re raising the next generation here.

Nigeria’s Got Talent … For All Kinds Of Illegal Things.

Pipeline vandals, militants and cult boys audition to give viewers a wholesome look into their activities.
The more impressive the ways their talents, the better their chances of making it to the finals.
Who won’t want to watch a pipeline vandal carry out his activities in real-time, on a real pipeline in the season finale? Whomst?

The Voice… That No One Listens To.

Literally a mash up of regular Nigerian citizens, political pundits and experts sharing how they advised the government against certain policies, only for the government to completely ignore them. Just think of it as 30 minutes of undiluted, continuous ‘I told you sos’.

Who wants to be a ‘Yahoo’ millionaire?

Yahoo boys attempting to recruit girls to speak to clients on their behalfs. Training schools on how to press laptops. Masterclasses on how to fake a Texan accent, a season finale where they all get carried off like sardine by the EFCC – who wouldn’t want to watch that?

What would you like to see made into a reality TV show?

On March 9th, the country with enough drama for a dedicated channel on DSTV brought you something new – the Kano State Emir – Emir Sanusi was banished following his dethronement over insurbodination.

In the hours that have passed since the Am it’s banishment and dethronement, a number of things have happened. But first, a refresher course:

Why was Emir Sanusi banished?

So here’s the thing. Emir Sanusi Lamido Sanusi was banished to Loko, Nasarawa State, to remain under house arrest at the pleasure of the Kano state government.

Why was the emir banished and not say relegated to live in his regular, probably fancy civilian house in Kano State?
Well, that’s because the Kano State government is popping and can do whatever it wants.

No really. Emir Sanusi was dethroned for insurbodination and contravening the provisions of Part 3, Section 3 of the Kano State Emirate Law, 2018, as well as his insubordination.
But the powers of banishment, akin to some Chinua Achebe book, we’re not too sure where the government got such powers.

Is Emir Sanusi’s banishment legal?

Let’s see what the constitution has to say.
Chapter 2 of the Nigerian Constitution provides for the fundamental rights of its citizens. And know what’s front and centre in those rights? The freedom of movement and the right to fair hearing.

We’re not sure, but it’s really hard to wrap our heads around a court that would okay imprisoning a person within a residence, especially for insubordination.
That, and a court that would approve the removal of a titled member of Nigeria’s royalty after one day of inquiries into his acts of ‘insubordination’

Buy hey, that’s just us.

Then again, this country did remove its Chief Justice on an ex parte order, so anything goes really.

Nasir Ado Bayero Crowned Emir.

A few hours following the dethronement and banishing of the former Emir of Kano State – Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Nasir Ado Bayero was appointed as Emir.
Back in 2014, he lost the chance to take over the throne from his late father – Alhaji Ado Bayero.
He is now officially, the 15th Emir of Kano State.

What do you think of the legality of Emir Sanusi’s banishment and dethronement?

Emir Sanusi got dethroned from office? By the guy we ALL saw on video, doing magic tricks and making dollar bills disappear into his bubu pockets?

Okay. Pretend for two minutes that we live in a sane country where a senator caught on tape assaulting a woman, would 100% go to prison for his transgressions.

Who’s your pick to lose office: a governor who shot a full movie in 360p — stuffing his babariga with corrupt dollars. Or, an outspoken former CBN governor turned Emir, accused of — of all things –  insubordination?

Well, hope you’re sitting down because we don’t live there. On March 3rd, in real life – Emir Sanusi Lamido Sanusi got dethroned by Mr. Detty Dollars himself (allegedly) – Abdullahi Ganduje.

What Caused The Feud Between Sanusi and Ganduje That Led To The Emir’s Dethronement?

Just so you know, the beef between Emir Sanusi and the Governor of Kano State – Abdullahi Ganduje has been slow-cooking for a minute.

During gubernatorial campaign season in 2019, Sanusi told everybody and their step-sister, how low his confidence in Ganduje was, on account of his ‘money for hand, contract for ground’ policy of governing (alleged).

Ganduje? Yeah, he didn’t like that. 

Why Was Emir Sanusi Lamido Sanusi Dethroned?

Following a miraculous (read: allegedly rigged) victory at the polls, Ganduje decided it was payback time. First, he broke down the Emir’s reach, reducing his powers by breaking the Kano Emirate into five, giving Sanusi only one to preside over.

Then, there were allegations of a ₦ 6 bn misappropriation by the Emir, finishing off the elaborate gbas gbos with a little dash of Emir Sanusi’s dethronement.

And they said not to scorn women.

The official reasons given for the Emir’s dethronement include his persistent refusal to attend official meetings and programmes organised by the Government without any lawful justification which amount to insubordination. Also, the Emir allegedly refused to abide by instructions given by the state government, so our guy had to go.

The decision was unanimously reached by the Kano State Executive Council on March 9th, 2020.

Emir Dethronement? Knew I had heard that one before.

If you’re a member of the Sanusi family, dethronements are probably so 57 years ago for you. Back in 1963, Alhaji Sir Muhammadu Sanusi, the Emir of Kano was removed by the Northern premier – Ahmadu Bello. 

*we bring it back again, P-square voice*

What happens after Emir Sanusi’s dethronement? Is he really banished?

Yepp. It would appear we are back in the middle ages. Publications like The Sun and The Nigerian tribune are reporting that the deposed Emir Sanusi has been banished to Nasarawa State.

Following his removal and possible banishment, a new Emir will be appointed in his place. Congratulations Alhaji Aminu Ado Bayero, son of the former Emir of Kano, Alhaji Ado Bayero, make sure to never publicly denounce the governor or point out any wrongs or mention any dollar notes that might slip out of his little robe. Na from clap dethronement dey start.

Don’t you just love it when you ignore the corruption allegations laid against you to face another person’s matter? Have to love this country.

If we were measuring good and bad on a scale of 1 – 10, many Nigerians politicians would rank around -20 and so would you, reader — no matter how much you want to deny it.

Now before you start weaving and doing odeshi, if you’ve done more than 5 of the things on this list, please just go and buy your nomination form for Local Government chairman because the work will fit you die.

Stolen extra meat from the pot.

Na from clap dance dey start. Meat today, Abacha’s rival tomorrow.

Used tithe and offering money to flex with zobo and Gala on Sundays.

That’s how they graduate to the big leagues.

Are you one of those greedy people that form three lanes on a two-lane road?

PDP or APC?

If you regularly switch football teams depending on who’s leading. Again we ask:

What’ll it be?

If you’ve taken money that doesn’t belong to you to flex on Instagram, I don’t know how to break it to you but-

You’re a Nigerian politician.

If during faculty president campaigns, you promised Wizkid would come for the final year party and Beyonce would do back-up vocals.

You know what you are.

If during five-a-side, you pick your friend’s first before picking the best men for the team-

That’s how star politicians do.

Food prefects that used to steal extra moin-moin for themselves and their friends, leaving students to eat rice and tears.

I hope you win the primaries.

How many of you are starting your campaign trail next year?

Not to go all armageddon on everybody, but there’s a reason that verse about the violent taking the kingdom of God by force is one of the most popular Nigerian Bible verses of all time!

For many of us who have spent more than ten minutes in Nigeria, you already know this country is not living up to its potential (much like how you could have finished with a 2:1 if you weren’t on Twitter all day, but story for another day)

Anyway, this country could be so much more. It’s 2020 and our legs haven’t even reached the estate gate, let alone the building that houses the top 20 economies in the world in the year 2020. Nigerian political leaders, isn’t this a shame?

Because we are done with Nigeria being stuck in 1948, here’s our advice on what Nigerians can adopt and normalise to get good governance by force:

Literally sit in your house if you feel the candidates are repetitive and unqualified during an election.

Imagine if every single Nigerian, or at least the majority of Nigerians did this when they say familiar names they knew weren’t up to the task on the ballot boxes. The power we have is actually unreal.

Can you imagine half of a state, say Port Harcourt, blocking the governor’s office daily, until the soot problem is resolved?

Imagine it, Lagosians block the governor’s office daily until viable alternatives are found for the traffic problem. Citizens of Zamfara protesting directly to the governor until sustainable poverty alleviation mechanisms are inputed. They would be forced to work.

Barricading the airports every time we got wind of an international health pilgrimage.

If the hospitals are good enough for the citizens, they better be good enough for you.

Or if we could even make it mandatory that politicians send their children to schools in Nigeria.

Again, if the standard is good enough for the everyday Nigerian child, it better be good enough for their children.

No more official cars, no police escorts. None of it.

Take public transportation like the majority of Nigerians. Let’s see if transportation won’t improve in record time.

Mandating bi-weekly meetings with citizens and the heads of local governments. Monthly meetings with representatives at the State Assemblies.

Monthly meetings with the state governors. At least one update a month from the president. Why isn’t this a thing?

Imagine an embargo on repeat political aspirants!

No other office for you if you failed to fulfil at least half of your campaign promises. Imagine that!

Now would it be so bad if we banned political leaders from owning generators or alternative power sources?

Suffer in the heat and darkness until real solutions are provided. Let’s see how fast they can work.

What do you think Nigerians should normalise?

Whoever tattooed ‘adapt or die’ into the hearts of every Nigerian finished work abeg. We give it to them.

How else can we explain Nigerians always finding new ways to survive through just about everything? Nothing has surprised us more than these 7 however. This adaptation thing is like jazz:

Do you know how mad it is that Nigerians still do not have steady electricity?

In this age of multiple electricity sources and environmentally friendly cars, we’re still dragging I better pass my neighbour with the next guy? How?

Universal healthcare is still a dream man.

For the fact that people would self-medicate and squeeze mouth at 7 different agbos before deciding to spend money at a Nigerian hospital, the Nigerian suffering is 100% ridiculous.

How wild is it that Nigerian policemen are still allowed to walk around with guns in broad daylight and rip people for their cash every other time?

Somebody actually needs to answer this.

Do you realise that we’ve taken it as normal that robbers and SARS officers in the NPF are pretty much one and the same thing?

No, you actually have to think about it. This has been happening for years and we’ve been talking about it but it’s a Nigerian normal. Who’s responsible for it.

For the fact that if you’re building a house in Nigeria, you must make room for your own borehole services?

How come the government doesn’t send us thank you cards for doing its job at this rate?

If you worked for the government all your life, why isn’t it a sure thing that your pension will come in when it’s due monthly?

And you might literally die on the line trying to recover said pension? No, the government needs to drop its jazz man plug right this minute. How is this real?

Nigerian hostels have looked like this for years and years and no one has thought to cut funding for the next unnecessary campus structure to look into this?

Are we in hell?

Routinely having to replace the shock observers in your cars while government officials meant to fix the roads cruise around in SUVs that move through potholes like Moses and the Red Sea.

We actually need to square up with these guys.

Having to choose between the same set of people like we’re in a monarchy?

When that one start and why hasn’t it ended?

What terrible things do you think Nigerians have gotten too used to?

It has finally happened. The devil has seen how much Nigerians have been downloading with office wi-fi and just what they’re downloading (rhymes with corn) and has decided to give us a little testing-testing of hell.

But will we let him win? Not today?

We’re not too sure how these will hold up, but if you’re looking for ways to stay cool outside the mainstream fans and air conditioning (lame), we have 7 tricks up our sleeves.

Do the Nigerian thing and proclaim that you are not hot but cold.

Hey, we do this for every other thing.

Hug a Nigerian politician right before bed.

Their icy hearts should keep you cool for a night or two.

Literally catch the Coronavirus because at least a fever will keep you cool.

Or not, please don’t.

Stand next to Nigeria’s foreign reserves.

Let the breeze from the emptiness keep you a little cool.

Move houses into any empty government building abandoned when a new administration came into power. The breeze do usually mad there.

Now choose wisely because there are a ton of those around.

You could always hug a transformer and let its metal keep you cool.

There’s no light anyway, so no need to worry about any dangers.

Has there ever been a perfect time to become a 24-hour nudist?

P.S., whatever happens between you and HR after this, we don’t want to know.

What are you doing to stay cool during this heat wave?

On Thursday, 27 of February, 2020, the first case of Coronavirus was reported in Nigeria. While it seems like Nigeria is taking it like a champ, we all need to take some precautions and stay safe. These are the necessary steps prescribed by the World Health Organisation to prevent the spread of coronavirus:

1. Wash your hands frequently and regularly

Don’t just put your hands in water and bring it out. Nope. Use soap and water to thoroughly scrub your hands. In fact, make sure you sing Naira Marley’s Soapy from the start to the end to time your washing.

2. Use Alcohol-based hand sanitizers:

Regularly use hand sanitizers. Nigerians have been complaining that some pharmacies and supermarkets/companies are inflating the prices of hand sanitizers or that they’re constantly sold out. Buhari epp pls.

People are sharing hand sanitizers, handwashes, masks, gloves for free in other countries but we are hiking prizes of same thing by more than a thousand %. This is beyond poverty mentality, its the height of being evil and inhumane.

— Zaynab U (@ZaynabU1) February 28, 2020

3. Maintain a social distance

The World Health Organisation recommends that you maintain at least a 3 feet distance between yourself and anyone who is coughing or sneezing.

When someone coughs or sneezes they spray small liquid droplets from their nose or mouth which may contain virus. If you are too close, you can breathe in the droplets, including the COVID-19 virus if the person coughing has the disease.

4. No hugs or handshakes if you know what is good for you.

There’s no need. You can seal the deal by nodding your heads, or say hi by waving. Better safe than sorry.

5. If you’re sick, stay at home.

Don’t just stay home and try to self medicate. If you’re showing symptoms of coronavirus, call NCDC toll number 0800-970000-10 or call your doctor. Don’t think that you can “pray” it away. Do the right thing and prevent the spread of coronavirus in Nigeria.

6. Avoid touching eyes, nose and mouth

Hands touch many surfaces and can pick up viruses. Once contaminated, hands can transfer the virus to your eyes, nose or mouth. From there, the virus can enter your body and can make you sick.

7. Cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze and cough

With a tissue please. Then dispose of the used tissue immediately. Then wash your hands immediately after.

8. Do not panic

Don’t spread rumours or send fake broadcast messages. Watch the news to get regular updates and stay calm. We can prevent the spread of coronavirus in Nigeria.

Now share this with that Nigerian mum or dad saying the cure to coronavirus is using “sea salt” to take a bath and follow this steps too!

If you think about it, Nigerian travel destinations are like that child in secondary school that had all the promise in the world but somehow got mixed up with drugs and now sleeps on the side of the street begging for alms from anyone kind enough.

The only thing is, this child didn’t do anything wrong. Rather, his parents locked him in a room filled with drugs, forgot him there and then got surprised that this somehow ruined his life.

That’s pretty much the story of Nigerian travel destinations. While holding serious promise, the majority have been neglected like yesterday’s pap, by a government that really doesn’t care too much about it.

Here are 6 Nigerian travel destinations that need immediate government attention before they become condemned beyond repair:

Tinapa, Calabar, which was previously a prime Nigerian travel destination.

Back in the day, Tinapa, Calabar was a resort where an artificial lake, a water park and a hotel were located. Fast forward a few years and political administrations and this sire has fallen into disrepair. The terrible conditions of the roads leading to it, discourage many patrons from making the journey down. This project cost a total of ₦ 60 bn to build and could easily earn the Calabar government a match in revenue should the government invest enough resources in it.

Idanre Hills Ondo State: the Nigerian travel destination that never quite kicked off.

Idanre Hills in Ondo State has all the trappings of a great tourist destination. An ancient backstory, check. Relics from the past present on its site, check. Breathtaking views – triple check.

And yet, it sorely lacks input from the state. The missionary outpost at the top of the hill is in a terrible state. The primary school built in 1896 on top the hill is filled with graffiti and visitors to the very high hills aren’t provided any protective gear.

Kwa waterfalls, Cross River: a Nigerian travel destination in need of love.

Famed for having 234 steps to reach its scenic views, these same steps and the area surrounding the Kwa Waterfalls are in a state of neglect by the state government and require urgent attention.

The Nigerian National Museum, a Nigerian travel destination in need of dusting.

The Nigerian National Museum Onikan is 73 years old and looks every bit of it. On the inside at least. While the outside wears new coats of paint, its 47,000 artefacts are in varying degrees of questionable conditions, made even more suspect by a real need to be dusted.
Do better!

Ngwo Pine Forest, Enugu needs quick attention.

Ngwo Pine Forest is one of Nigeria’s most idyllic travel destinations. Containing a pine forest that could easily be a dream destination for a park.

Ngwo is made more dreamy by the fact that it leads to a cave which also leads to a waterfall. But for all its promise, the Ngwo village is a hassle to reach as it has terrible road structures and a yet to be developed structure to place it as one of Nigeria’s foremost travel destinations.

Ezeagu Warm Springs, Enugu: a Nigerian travel destination in need of signs.

Ezeagu houses a cave, a waterfall and warm springs; which is plenty to make the journey down worthwhile, only, good luck actually finding the place.
There are hardly any signs pointing to the site and its development and structures do not position it as the must-read travel destination it really is.

What Nigerian travel destinations do you think require government attention?

The Nigerian Constitution is the most important book in Nigeria. It is the source of all of our laws, and the highest law if any issues come up regarding the lawfulness of a subject.

Which is why, unless you’re an eager-to-please law student/lawyer, you probably have no idea what this book looks like. Who law actually epp in Nigeria?

But since you have a little understanding of the Constitution, it’s easy to see why amendments need to be made every now and again to capture important changes in the country.

Because of that, we jumped and passed some people that don’t really care about us (our lawmakers), to speak directly to the Constitution — man to book.

Here are some amendments to the Nigerian Constitution we think would be great in improving matters of national importance/security:

Can the amended Nigerian Constitution state how many pieces of suya you’re allowed to take when your friend leaves the newspaper open?

We’re thinking start with 5 if it’s ₦ 200 suya and work our way up from there.

The equitable way to deal with Yoruba demons without going to prison deserves a schedule or two in the Nigerian Constitution. Who’s with me?

Might also need to take this matter to the Criminal Code at this point.

An amendment to the 7 PM official time for turning generators on in Nigerian homes.

A lot of us have Ultimate Love to watch after work closes at 5 you know.

If the Nigerian Constitution could get a paragraph or two mandating that Nigerian artists stop the use of ‘baka’ to rhyme with ‘Amaka’ in their lyrics.

It’s an emergency at this point.

We need a maximum number of stories to be posted on Instagram while attending a concert ASAPLY, Constitution.

Five is the magic number, in case anyone was wondering.

We humbly appeal that the Nigerian Constitution intervene in getting Nigerian DJs to stop playing ‘All of me’ at weddings.

The force that saved us from Tosin Martins’ ‘Olo mi’ will save us from John Legend.

Nigerian Constitution please, we’re calling on you! A whole section banning any more talk on who should cook on Nigerian Twitter.

We’re going to need 15 sub-sections listing out punishments for those who disobey. Please @the Criminal Code when you’re through.

Can an amendment be made in the Nigerian Constitution mandating government officials to use only public transportation?

Let them trek, let them see how great danfos are. Absolutely no private jets. Make it happen sis.

If the Nigerian Constitution would kindly find a way to remove the words ‘strongly criticise’ from every Nigerian politician’s mouth.

Especially where they do very little to help make sure the criticised issue isn’t repeated.

But seriously, wouldn’t it be great if the Nigerian Constitution had like a three-strike rule for political leaders?

Like, say if you don’t make substantial progress towards 25% of your campaign policies within 200 days in office, the length of your tenure gets reduced by 25% and so on. It kind of makes sense. You sef think am.

What would you like to have amended in the Nigerian Constitution?

For too long, Zikoko has looked on while the true heroes of Nigerian lifestyle have failed to receive the recognition they truly deserve. Well not anymore.

From food staples that make sure our last ₦50 goes the extra mile. To electronic sets that make sure sleeping in darkness isn’t an only option; we present, our favourite unsung Nigerian heroes:

Garri.

Friend of boarding school students, saviour to undergraduates. You can soak it or heat it up, garri always has you covered.

Little generators.

From I-better-pass-my-neighbours to those key to start ones, what Nigerian household is complete without a generator?

Big generators.

For the big shots and companies everywhere in Nigeria. a life-saver if ever there was one.

Okada.

No matter how annoying these are, you can’t deny how great it is to dodge traffic behind one of these. We miss you, come back soon to Lagos!

Handheld rechargeable fans.

Nigerian brides thank you. Visitors to open-air festivals appreciate you, and those of us too broke to buy big size rechargeable fans pray for you, little handheld rechargeable fan.

Powerbanks.

For making sure we stay strapped on nights out and whenever our generators act a fool, you deserve many accolades.

What product deserves to be on the Nigerian Naira note?

Okay everyone, we’re going to hold hands in a circle and PRAY that the brand of HP desktop computers that cost one million Naira each in Gombe State, comes out and reveals itself, because…

This is according to TrakaNG, a project initiated by the pro-transparency group, BudgIT, to track the performance and execution of government budgets.

N100m was allocated in the 2019 budget for the supply of 100 computers in Filya, Gombe state. We tracked, and report the computers has been delivered. #GetInvolved pic.twitter.com/hZZJnRjJNg

— Tracka (@TrackaNG) February 17, 2020

Why did Gombe State spend ₦ 100m on 100 computers?

So what had happened was, ₦ 100m was allocated in the 2019 budget to supply 100 computers in Filiya, Gombe State.

Who these computers are for and what they’ll be used to achieve hasn’t been revealed just yet, but this million Naira computer better be able to solve world hunger, or else…

What’s the official response to the 100m computers in Gombe State?

Before we get to that, how did none of the grown folk over at the Gombe State Assembly miss the fact a single computer desktop cost one million Naira?

Going by this, can you imagine how many multi-millionaires these Gombe representatives must be raising? Their children probably scam them of a ₦100,000 for each textbook, per semester in uni. Can you blame them?

So far, the spokesman to the governor – Ismaila Misilli, is yet to give a response to the inquiries. However, noting that Gombe State came fourth in a ranking of Nigeria’s State poverty indices, we expect an investigation at the very least and lost jobs at the max.

In perhaps the worst case we’ve ever seen of somebody using their sand-sand to spoil another’s garri, the Bayelsa State Governor-Elect – APC’s David Lyon, just had his victory nullified. It’s all thanks to the efforts of deputy-governor elect, Biobarakuma Degi-Eremienyo.

FYI, this nullification happened just one day to the Bayelsa State inauguration.

We promise this whole thing wouldn’t even be funny, except for the fact that this same guy – David Lyon, already won a ‘Best Governor of the year 2019‘ award without even being sworn in. Majik.

https://twitter.com/BrianJDennis/status/1227943517093289985

We know you probably have a number of questions as to what happened, so we’ve listed them out with answers to go.

Why did David Lyon lose the Bayelsa Governor-Elect post?

About that. It would appear that his running mate – Biobarakuma Degi-Eremienyo — many, many years ago, decided he didn’t have the gaddem energy to shade his long names into those little boxes they make you fill for the GCE. Almost understandable. He allegedly took a short-cut and got fake certifications instead.

Fast forward a few years and our guy allegedly submitted educational certificates with different names to INEC. This led a Federal high court to disqualify Biobarakuma from contesting the elections in November 2019. However, an Appeal Court allowed his qualification in December 2019, permitting him to contest the Bayelsa elections as Lyon’s running mate.

But maybe they shouldn’t have, because the Supreme Court finally decided that he wasn’t qualified to be deputy governor on February 13th, 2020. Welp.

Why does the Bayelsa Deputy-Governor’s disqualification affect the Governor’s?

Glad you asked. It would appear that because it was a joint ticket, what happens to the GCE- deficient goose, affects the qualified gander. In other words, it was a tainted joint ticket and his Deputy’s sins affected David Lyon’s gubernatorial fate. Womp womp.

What happens after the Bayelsa State disqualification.

Well, you would expect that a re-run election would be carried out to enable the Bayelsa people pick a candidate that suits their wishes. However, things don’t work like that over here in Nigeria.

Instead, the Court has directed INEC to issue the certificate of return (i.e. the governorship seat more or less) to the candidate with the next highest number of votes – PDP’s Diri Duoye. He is expected to be inaugurated in Lyon’s stead.

You just know this is how Lyon is looked at his deputy when the news of the nullification came in.

Biobarakuma Degi-Eremienyo now joins the ranks of Kemi Adeosun and Salisu Buhari who lost their posts to forged certificates. This is Nigeria!

Today, we’ll be observing the Nigerian politician in his natural habitat ⁠— an overpriced state house whose renovation, running into the millions of dollars is probably on the books for the state’s annual budget.

If you’ve never known what to look out for with a Nigerian politician, you’re in luck, we made a whole list of things to look out for:

How to spot a Nigerian politician by his leadership abilities.

Has a 16-year itch or perhaps a 5-year itch, depending on the political party they belong to.

Trust a Nigerian politician to heap blame at everyone but himself when his office faces shortcomings. Can’t fix a simple road? Blame the guys that had the job 16 years ago. No longer in power? Blame the guys that currently have the job for any drawbacks.

You might find the Nigerian politician unknowledgeable in the position they hold.

But don’t fret. The fate of millions/thousands isn’t such a serious affair that it can’t be learnt on the job. Get that stick out of your derriere.

If you’re a woman in Nigerian politics, excluding senatorial/ representative roles, you’ll probably be placed in a token position.

Women leader, deputy governor, chair lady of some committee etc. Options, options.

Physical features.

Will most likely have a potbelly. 

That’s what happens when you skip the daily cardio chasing the poor public transportation systems the citizens in your ward/state have to face. Being chauffeured everywhere will do that to you.

Any attempts at physical fitness will be televised.

It’s in the politician’s handbook.

You might spot them in ankara fabrics.

But that’s only during campaign szn.

That’s not to say they don’t kill it in local attire.

But they’ll probably switch it up for the gram and dress in westernised clothing abroad.

Health conditions.

The Nigerian politician suffers from so many conditions, we’re almost worried:

Suffers from a condition that causes him to go into a slumber after every election, only to be awakened by the smell of ankara fabrics with imprinted faces on them, 4 years after.

It’s a real medical condition, he will only awaken right before election season. Seek help early if this is you.

The politician is also prone to a serious fit of laughter whenever the president is near.

91 million Nigerians living in poverty must be hilarious.

If you think that’s bad, you should know about the case of arbitrariness most Nigerian politicians suffer from.

It’s what causes politicians to cast hardworking citizens out of their homes with little notice, and why the dissembling of markets if fair game to them as well.

But perhaps the worst is the yearly dementia Nigerian politicians face.

This is what prevents him from planing ahead for cyclical issues affecting his state/local government like say flooding, erosion, collapsed buildings, fires etc.

What did we miss? Let us know.

Two things in life are certain: death and the fact that Nigerian and Lagos State will take you fi idiat.

Well not anymore, on Saturday – February 8th, 2020, we protest!

What is the #OccupyLagos protest?

The #OccupyLagos protest is organised, not by any corporate bodies or influencer shrews, but by everyday Lagosians who are simply concerned about how rapidly things are declining in the ‘megacity’ that they live in. They’ve decided to put their foot down.

Why is the #OccupyLagos protest happening?

The #OccupyLagos protest is against the recent, poorly thought out ban on okadas and keke-napeps; the popular motorcycles and tricycles used as means of transport in Lagos State.

The ban was made without recourse to the thousands or more accurately, millions who rely on these vehicles to eke out a living and those whose livelihoods are heavily dependent on being able to move swiftly with the ease of a keke-napep or an okada.

That said, if you need additional reasons to participate in this protest; we’ve got you covered.

Why the #OccupyLagos protest has to happen.

In case you’re unaware, Lagosians are living in a megacity that is yet to:

1. Find a sustainable solution to uncovered manholes which have been known to cause the death of at least one person – Adewura Bello.
2. Develop a sustainable transport system
3. Be self-sustaining in generating electricity for its inhabitants.
4. Have working streetlights statewide.
5. Develop its waterways for transportation.
6. Have qualitative education for students in government-owned schools.
7. Find a solution to its drainage crisis.
8. Manage its waste problem.
9. Solve its housing deficit
10. Find sustainable homes and welfare systems for its homeless.

If you are done pretending to be okay with this sham of a megacity, the protest will hold again, on February 8th, in Surulere for those residing in the Lagos mainland, and Eko Atlantic City, for those on the Island.

Come in comfortable/sporty clothing, and your funniest, wittiest, angriest placards; but note that it is strictly a peaceful protest, use your words only. Defaulters will be handed to security agents. That said, let’s give them a Lagos protest they’ll never forget.